#Breaking someone's heart again

[laurrelise]

my card declined in therapy so they reminded me that delores probably has qualities of each of five’s siblings because he imagined her entire personality out of desperation for human contact and all he ever knew before he disappeared was the academy

delores has luther’s loyalty. she absolutely has diego’s stubbornness. she’s definitely got allison’s determination and klaus’ spontaneity. she has ben’s kind-heartedness and viktor’s passion.

i can’t imagine seeing each of his siblings again and being reminded of the only soul he had through the hardest part of his life in each and every way they act.

[s30620]

Chapter 113: Wreck 'Em

I loved seeing all the memories flooding Okarun's mind as Momo got swiped and disappeared. So many sweet, silly, heart-pounding moments they have shared together 🥹

I also loved that Momo's observance and recall to what she learned previously helped her know exactly what to do. The theory that Momo is an alien or some special being is making more sense every day. I wonder what other dimensions Momo can reach?

[lostreverb]

SOME RANDOM THOUGHTS / HEADCANONS ABOUT MAX COOPERMAN

just realized that aside from jake, most of max's relationships with people were either superficial or transactional which he probably just thought was normal growing up as a rich kid who was a "loser" learning that ppl only liked him when he had something to give them.

of course, when he was younger everyone loved to go to his birthday parties b/c his parents were loaded and they always planned something extravagant to try and make up for the fact they were never really around but, as he got older his parents stopped really caring to put on those parties. after that, no one bothered to give max any attention or befriend him unless they saw his wealth as something useful, or just brought him around so he could be the butt of the joke. and the second they got what they wanted from him they discarded him. being the kind-hearted and naive boy he is, he doesn't really fully grasp it until after ryan beats him to a pulp. he brushes off what happens but it honestly profoundly affects him from then on.

he thought ryan was a friend but turns out he was just being taken advantage of, his parents didn't care to come see him in the hospital despite how serious his condition was, and jake, the only genuine friend he ever had, ends up leaving (prolly bc college) and max later refers to him in passing as "a guy i brought up back in the day" which hints that they likely don't talk anymore.

so college starts. a fresh slate. max guards himself with this macho (with a very small hint of being an asshole) persona. he's got a leadership position as the RA of his floor, got two nerdy "friends" that are very reminiscent of ryan and his guys (remember when they snicker along with him at mike?), and a semi-famous reputation online. he loses weight the summer before college and decides to stop fighting (probably caused by the trauma from ryan) but we see he uses hand grips so even he definitely wants to keep himself strong for his physique and to protect himself. though max is still fairly lean which is likely an insecurity for him. the last thing he ever wants to be seen as is a dork.

let's not even talk about how being conditioned like this affects his views on women and relationships. first off in highschool he only gets attention from baja's friends b/c of his association with jake, then in college he gets all this attention because he's "attractive" now and has this cool car, dorm and fame due to the fighting videos + promotions. he's (mostly) only ever made out with drunk women at parties or events that just throw themselves at him but it never goes further than that.

he likely has made himself believe that he should think of women as prizes (again as awful as ryan was max kind of molds his new self with his influences subconsciously. he had the kind of attention, the girls, the intimidation factor max aspires to have), but if a girl were to ever genuinely like him it would fry his brain. he wouldn't understand the idea of someone wanting to spend time with him, even if he wasn't really doing anything. to intently listen to him and partake in his interests. or how much happier you'd look after just going on a walk around campus with him vs. when he bought you jewelry or flowers.

it left him with a feeling he only experienced once before when jake saved him, and went after ryan.

it just clicks for him like-

oh. this is how it feels to be genuinely cared for.

it's not soon after he realizes that you tell him you love him for the first time, while cuddling in bed (he's sure his mother used to say it to him when he was younger but he honestly can't really remember anymore-- the most communication he has with his parents now is the deposits into his bank account).

once the door closes, and you've left for your classes.. he feels the lingering heat of your lips, your words echoing in his head and the way you looked at him...

and he cries.

[aq2003]

like the important thing you must keep in mind about ten when you see him do literally anything is that he's soooooooooo so so so bad at actually isolating himself from other people. so TERMINALLY bad at it. he thinks to himself "i don't need human connection because everything i do causes pain and destruction to those around me :(" but then he experiences a crumb of human connection and his heart starts to spill out of his chest

[5a-alf]

I fear Kevin Day is the type of person whose struggle always came second. He funcioned enough that while everyone knew he wasn't alright, it was also nobody's problem, as someone else was actively having a harder time and they took precedence. He internalises all his problems and keeps going and going but he is fueled by alchool and sheer desperation a 100% of the time. If he were to stop for even a second he wouldn't know how to start again.

Did he ever, at somepoint in his life -away from the ex foxes, a pro player, married to Thea- wish he had it worse, just so that maybe it would have been his turn being saved? Being first? How badly would he feel, just one second after thinking it, because he knows damn well he has enough trauma to fill a stadium and he isn't actually jealous of his friends that had it worse, he isn't . That's a fucked up thing to think, stop it, stop it.

Would he still drink himself into a stupor to shoote the ache, to banish the thought? That's the help he got, when he was at his worst, a drink, and then two, and then a thousand. And it worked, it made him go, it picked him up when he was down, and now he can't get down without crashing.

Did he wish to be saved? Did he hope somebody, anybody, took the time and put in the effort to help him, just because they saw him down, not because he begged, but because they noticed he could use a hand. Or two, actually. Was it torment, to always be under the spotlight, yet never been seen? Did he run toward fame hoping the more eyes on him meant it would be easier to be noticed?

[queenerdloser]

i just finished dark heir

[marshmellowtea]

i'm a jonathan apologist in a "he was absolutely an asshole during ppgw but tbf hearing another guy say he's in love with your girlfriend live onstage in front of an audience who are also seeing you get constantly humiliated and injured would be kind of a lot so i get it and i don't think he's that bad most of the time" way. he absolutely deserved that slap from sandra though <3

[starlight-artbby]

"Sugah... I-Ican't feel you"

[the-meme-monarch]

something i see a lot in books is like. capitalizing a word where it really doesn’t need to be? like for an example in Who Censored Roger Rabbit they spell toons as Toons. and i understand it’s probably supposed to make it clear that this is a deliberate Word For Something That The Author Kinda Made Up but like. to me it stands out too much. humans are just humans. a cat would still be a cat and a dog a dog. but toons are Toons. idk i think it just feels unnatural and unnecessary. if toons are natural to the world here why do you need to capitalize the T

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

sometimes i remember that gojo wanted to tell geto “we’ll meet again, right?” just before he died but forced himself not to knowing it would have cursed him and then i start thinking about how kind and thoughtful gojo is as a character and how he hasn’t been able to lean on another human being since geto defected and then i want to . Scream

[mamamittens]

Idk if it's just that time for me but I had a thought.

What if Ace was like, a little more well adjusted? Like, emotionally level even if it's not in a way that would have a licensed therapist nodding their head like "No note, you can scrap our next session!"

What if he didn't quite live in his father's shadow as he did in the show?

What if the death of his parents weighed on him differently?

What if he was more upset at their passing and the future that was stolen from him than anything else.

(dead ass had more thoughts but roomie put clothes in the dryer and it's fucking screeching like a dog whistle it is ALMOST ELEVEN AT NIGHT WOMAN I THOUGHT WE ALL AGREED IT WAS A BAD IDEA TO DO LAUNDRY AFTER NINE ITS SO FUCKING LOUD!?!)

Anyway, what I was really wondering was what if Ace genuinely just wanted to see what Whitebeard was like and had no interest in joining his crew. And eventually after being pestered to shit about it, Ace explains that he can't bring himself to form an attachment with someone who clearly doesn't expect to live another five years.

That he's lost enough and couldn't handle finally having a good parental figure just to have them die on him again. Only this time he could watch it happen and remember for the rest of his life instead of just knowing.

That he can't put his heart in the hands of someone who's actively drinking themselves to death. How can he trust someone to care for him and support him if they can't even care enough to do everything in their power to stay.

That a ship full of possible siblings did not sweeten the pot because that was just a ship full of people who saw nothing wrong with someone in such a dangerous line of work actively making it worse (or not doing anything productive about it). He couldn't stay with Shanks, same issue only Shanks intends to drink himself to death for at least a couple more decades.

Ace expresses that he can't possibly join because he's already seen how badly loss wrecked people he loves and can't imagine signing up for that knowingly.

It's kind of juvenile.

It's awfully, heartbreakingly mature.

It's not born out of anger but sheer empathy for what they all must know on some level. And Ace is acknowledging that.

"Losing him is going to hurt you all. And I can't handle being hurt on top of seeing that too."

How do you convince someone to join your crew after that?

Could Whitebeard even bring himself to try? Or would he look at his precious booze and ask himself (perhaps not for the first time) of his vice was worth it.

I like to imagine Ace is dropped off with his crew shortly after with very long, teary hugs from several members.

I like to imagine even more that not long after that, Whitebeard starts refusing to drink. Not all at once. But slowly it goes from every meal and while relaxing to once before bed. To once a week. After a long week. A long month.

Until one day he's been sober for a whole year and his nurses and children are sobbing as his medications are finally working fully as intended. No more side effects from drinking.

And then they meet Ace again and Whitebeard asks if he would reconsider his answer. If Whitebeard could have the honor of calling him 'son'?

And Ace... Oh, Ace's heart aches. Leaving hurt so bad because he could tell it would be a good, if short, live on the Moby with such a large family. He wanted it so bad with every step he took that day as he left.

But more than anything, he wanted just one thing.

Someone that chooses to stay.

So many people left him, for reasons within and outside their control. And they died. One by one. All gone and leaving him alone with a desperate boy who'd rather die than be alone. Just like Ace would rather die than choose to blindly trust nothing bad would ever happen again.

And finally.

Someone chooses to stay.

And now Ace can too.

[eueclid]

arthur morgan....

[bendoodle]

If one more man in my workplace tries to ask me out i will set the whole place on fire, i don't care anymore. I can't keep doing this over and over. These fucking idiots want to get into the pants of a fucking NPC, the person they work with isn't REAL! THAT'S A MIRROR MADE TO BOUNCE BACK WHATEVER YOU THROW AT IT IN HOPE TO END THE INTERACTION SWIFTLY AND WITHOUT ANY ISSUE. THAT SIMULACRUM OF ME IS THERE TO MAKE MONEY AND THAT'S ALL! NO friendship! NO relationship! You DON'T get to know anything about me! you get a COWORKER! and that's IT!

[hellaverse-critical-confessions]

(from this video)