#Because I didnt live in that town
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What do I have to do to get out of here? Who do I have to beg on my knees to so I can leave?
Get me out of my house
P@yPal: twitchyjayson
Current Goal: $55/$800
#twitchy talks#commissions#donations#emergency commissions#I'm broke now with my main savings that was seperated from this#Main savings was for food and bills and essentials and since I just paid my phone bill Im now broke#Every month now that this goes on I might have to pull money towards moving out just so I can keep living here#Which sucks ass and I refuse to do but have no choice#Im so tired man I'm sorry#Didnt mean to vent in the tags#Also within this and the last post I was rejected another job#It was FOR people on the spectrum who struggle with jobs and you know why I didnt qualify?#Because I didnt live in that town#Which they didnt say that when applying#I had a whole interview and it took maybe a month before they got back to me because of two emails asking to tell me no#Devastating#Theyll at least keep me on record in case closer locations are added but????#how long would that me for even a chance of it being in my town? years?#I dont have years to wait sorry
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Aaah. So it's neverending huh.
#my dad had been bugging me about getting a raise for months#it took me a while to actually find who to email to ask and how to go about it too.#but i did it! and i went from 19$ to 20.72$#and i was happy with that#and originally i wasnt going to tell my dad but he wasnt letting up about it and when i told him the numbers#he was dissappointed.he told me he spoke to people working from another company and they make 25#this was while i was stuck out on the supposed to be a hike but was actually hunting trip#now i just feel bad about it again. and i cant get my good feeling back goddamnit#i know its out of love/concern because hes very financially very successful and its tough seeing your kids work so hard and still be poor#but hey im now technically making 40 cents less than your daughter whos a doctor.#you graduated during a time where universities had skip days and they were less focused on proper essay formats#you also had living accommodations where apparently you could make your whole rent in a week of work#you also didnt need to pay for internet the way we do#you also had rrsp matching and Christmas bonuses and health insurance and company retirement funds#you had days off. you ask if i get a certain holiday off. like i havent worked full days christmas eve and boxing day the previous 5 years#also gas probably wasnt 80$/week just to go to and from work#and thats if you work and live in town#we had a phone call and he brought up my wage again this morning
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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Parents will treat you like expensive vermin that theyre keeping around due to being mercyful but the moment you wanna kill yourself it's suddenly bad
#NOBODY!!! WANTS!!!ME!!!!!#my mother thinks im soulless or something and always want to hurt them#my stepfather and i hate each other thats fair i hate him too#my grandmother lied that her and her partner are attending a funeral in a different town on my graduation day#(my mother called the cemetary. there were no funerals that day)#my father and his girlfriend claim to want me around but theyve got a baby now and lmao he didnt want me as a kid either#and they were like. noo sorry cant come to your graduation we'll be out selling karate merch at an event#mfers are doing this self employed. like damn who is going to fire you of youre not both there..........#i just moved out from the dorm im still going back for exams but after that i'll no longer live there#i'll probably drift apart with the roommates i had for 3 years sooner or later. i feel like i cant prevent that#maybe just my abandonment issues though#then theres the guy who just started introducting me to his family as his gf. i love him but i cannot rely on this guy with my emotions#not because of him but because im not throwing my baggage at people out of nowhere like it's a basketball it's a cruel thing to do#thats everyone in my life rn i have two other friends but theyve been out of the picture for about half a year due doing young adult stuff#tw suicide joke
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i wish trying to do things with groups of people was not the most horrible time wasting activity on earth
#just went to local palestine action group meeting because i wanted to figure out if i could carpool to protest this weekend and the answer#was yes but then i spent the next hour and 15 minutes standing in a circle with people repeating the same things back to each other#like ok we are all here because we know it's bad. can we not talk endlessly in circles PLEASE#they did have other things planned but their speaker couldn't make it or whatever but like a bunch of people turned up anyway and i feel#like we could have accomplished something besides talking about how bad genocide is and what documentary they're wanting to show later#i should have known better and just emailed but whatever.....i did connect with someone i can get a ride with who lives in my town but then#they did not offer me a ride back when they left and i wasnt sure if it was socially acceptable to ask so i didnt so then i had to walk 20#minutes to the bus stop and supposedly the bus is coming in a couple minutes but of course. it won't#i'm so annoyed lmao i'm not going to get home until almost 9 and its going to be pitch black and there are no streetlights and i already#barely know where i'm going#not usually one to experience hanger but i definitely have barely eaten anything today and am angry but maybe for separate reasons#i can't even decide what i want for dinner!!!! goddammit#if i didn't have tomorrow off i might get lost in the ocean fr#me
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#yknow i tried therapy once#didnt really work on the first session since the psychiatrist asked me to bring my fucking mom next time#wanna try again but i started to think that plenty of my problems are external#and it can only be permanently solved with a change in my life that seems impossible#like transitioning and living with someone else and going into a career i actually love and living without the threat of#climate change and wars and everything else. and also i have religious trauma while most psych doctors here are religious#like im sure they can help me work through the effects of parental neglect and maybe even give me adderall but#i dont think the hassle of trying to find a queer and non-religious therapist is worth it for the moment#especially with since i cant just find therapists willy nilly because the psychiatrists in this town i can access with my national insurance#is like... only a handful of people#textposts
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im watching atla with my grandma and it is very much up her alley which is very cute. i think her favorite part is whenever momo does something funny because she smiles the most.
#i did have the passing thought#that maybe the show depicting chinese-inspired villages being invaded by a japanese-inspired army might be. not the greatest choice for us.#but honestly it wouldnt bother her shes a veeeeeeery tough and easygoing person#it did make me upset again at the remake though#because the original show feels like everyone else matters too#they meet so many refugees on the run and towns that are occupied and villages being menaced#the war isnt just a good backdrop for cool fights between the heroes and villains. its a blight on the lives of everyone who lives in this#world.#and the remake seems to be very much “everyone not in the main cast is an npc” (see: watching the genocide of the air nomads happen in the#first twenty minutes of the first episode)#and that feels. personal now.#bc my grandma hid from japanese soldiers. my great grandma risked her life transporting materials for explosives so she#could feed her family#they are people with personhood and individuality who didnt fight in wwii but their stories still matter#and atla feels like its validating that because it says that war affects everyone and the people who suffer from it the most are the ones#who need to have their voices heard#not just the people with the biggest capacity to cause change#so the remake throwing that away just to have more cool action scenes. leaves a bad taste in my mouth.#atla#atla remake salt#atla live action salt#atla salt
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I seasoned some wings and I have doritos and leftover guac and sour cream, ted lasso night is looking lit
#And its a municipal holiday tomorrow which i didnt know until this morning#Because i work in a different town than i live#whole day free for insanity#So I better have a reason to go insane#Dude im serious ted and rebecca look alive im begging#personal
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getting emotional over a character that was only supposed to appear for one side comic and then never get mentioned again
#SIIIIIGH. BUT I HAD TO TIE STORY THINGS TOGETHER DIDNT I. going back in time to tell myself dont kill synths mom you'll like her too much#absolute dogshit life... lived in inaccessible work until you die town for her whole life#and then her son ran away and she couldnt mourn it because she died an hour later. I FUCKING HATE IT HEREEEEE I HATE WRITING#ughhghhhhhgh and he ran away for a reason she couldnt work anymore in WORK UNTIL YOU DIE TOWN. love and guilt I HATE LOVE AND GUILT!!!#only time ill yell about things i didnt explicitly cover yet i dont like doing that but UUUUUUUUGH. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH.
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people will tell me it doesn't matter what people think about me and then turn around and go home/online to the people that love and care about them unconditionally
#bro have you ever even been kicked out of you house at 8. 13. 14. 15. because you either fought back or expressed yourself too openly#and ur mum was just in a bad mood that day? have you never been abandoned on the side of the road half way across town?#have you never had anything on the floor or our of place on your desk or shelf thrown out because it pissed her off?#have you never been ostracized every day at school from KINDERGARDEN TO GRADE 5? have you never had someone you thoight#was a close friend laugh in your face for talking to them on front on their other firneds?#like dude. it matters a lot what other people think about me. that it comes off like i dont is not a fucking compliment for me 😭#UNFORCH. AND I STILL CONSIDER MYSELF LUCKY. :) COULD HABE BEEN WORSE!!!! XOXO#i dont care what people think about something indo until someoen goes wow i love how you do x like no ones looking#and then i will never do x again ever even in the privacy of my own bedroom 2 years removed from my mother being alive.#like. idk man.#i had people that did not like children OR ME ON A PERSONAL LEVEL telling my mother to be nicer to me.#its. idk man idk how to explain that its engrained in my fucking dna and idk hownto escapenit.#sad. oh well#vent#neg#like. dude i have had people drop me for being too interested in their lived and for not being interested enough.#i have in fact been locked out of the house at night b4 without a key and only been let back in bcus the neighbours called the cops. lol.#lmao. lmfao. even. like idk! idk!!#if i was quiet if i was good if i sat and listened to her and asked the right questions and provided myself as the pwrson she wanted#me to be thst day than i didnt get ostrasized! i wish i had had. any adult. growing up. thst i felt unconditional love and safety from#id say thst person was my grandmother. and it was. she just wasnt there for me in practice? idk man. maybe#she just didnt want me in the house w my grandfather. maybe she just didnt want the family stress that would come#from taking me from my mother. but regardless. she died before i turned 16. so. doesnt matterm#death m#abuse m#oh man we are spiralling oopsm
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my favorite part about west coast culture is the lack of eye contact
#misc#you can all speak for yourselves but me personally i was exhausted living in a small town in the midwest where eye contact and mutual#greetings were required by law with threat of execution if you didnt say hi to everyone you passed on the street#the forced interaction just felt very disingenuine and exhausting to me while if i do end up having an interaction with a stranger where i#live now it feels far more authentic and kindhearted#and not like. im saying hi because everyone here says hi but im saying hi because i actually would like to speak to you#also sometimes i got places to be big dawg or i dont wanna look everyone in the eye. damn. sometimes i just wanna buy my lettuce in peace
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man
#i fucking hate my college i hate the town i hate being here i hate all the people here#everyone who goes here is fucking mean and unwilling to make friends so im never going to make any friends it’s been like two years#and when you don’t have friends to room with you cant get an apartment and you arent allowed to live off campus so im#never fucking getting an apartment and will have to live alone in a dorm where i just sit and cry every day after class because im so lonely#no wonder so many people who go here kill themselves#👍#vent#personal#and the only reason i go here is ebcause my parents forced me to go to college even when i begged to take a gap year because#covid fucking ruined my mental and physical health and they refused so im twice as miserable as i would have been#and i didnt want to pick a school so i just picked this one because i also grew up here and ive fucking hated living here this entire time#i dont know what to do#and i was going to transfer this semester but now i’m in the film program and it’s a top film tv school in the country so i feel like#id be making a worse choice career wise if i were to transfer but im so miserable im so fucking miserable man i cant do it anymore
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Wynns thoughts after school:
I want to die
Why did i have to fall asleep on the bus
Why didnt the bus driver notice i didnt get off on my stop even though i got on the bus
Why do i feel like shit
Why cant i have enough monies to buy pokemon scarlet/violet? :(
#wynns thoughts#yeah i fell asleep on the bus and didnt get off at either of my potential stops and the bus driver somehow thought i did#then he started angrily yelling at me questioning why i didnt get off#i was in tears because yelling like that is a bit triggering and i could barely let out a yelp of 'sleep'#:(#also i really just want pkmn sc/vi rn#just because pokemon is one of my fav things#i would buy it if i had the money#but no monies :(#ive got like $2 and some change in total#i would do some work for it#but idk anyone in my neighborhood who isnt senile and angry and doesnt want help from 'youngsters'#bc i live in a retirement town lol#but uj yeah#those have been#wynns afterschool thoughts
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feeling so so very tired these days
#sorry for inactivity most of it was spent playing the sims#but also i just. im not doing well#something something i started learning it hasnt gotten worse its never been great#im tired and stuck and i feel like im progressively more and more isolated and i know its mostly my fault but i cant stop now#insert joke about how this is just like ctubbo believing hes gonna die soon because ppl are leaving him#once everyone leaves me theres not going to be anyone to live for. i dont know if i can count myself as a person at this point#i dont feel like one#anyways. i dont know. feel free to ask about the sims if you want. but its nearly 6am and i doubt anyone is listening#i doubt itd matter what time im posting though hah. ghost town either way#wow this is just like ctubbo before the finale that didnt happen etc etc. i dont know.#not suicidal not really itchin to stay alive either though#just.. tired.#of everything. everyone. of myself#i wish i could be a different person#sorry for venting. this is probably gonna be my last one#mask mews#personal#negative
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overwhelmed with such a deep intense homesickness for the little town i used to live in
#i miss you [redacted] i miss you SO bad#if u see me posting small town ontario pics later today mind ur own business#good god i need to go back esp in the summer so all the fields will be growing and the trees will be lush#<- we didnt have a whole lot else lol#god. i only lived there part time for like 5 ish years and didnt even have that good of a time and yet#<- i had a bad time only because i was a miserable child not anything to do with the town#but like i hardly ever romanticize anything else in my childhood so#well! this calls for my home playlist. its titled after toronto but really its more than just here
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I have this problem that’s like the opposite of nostalgia or something where some things I remember liking a lot as a child I look back and only remember the bad times.
This is specifically about Animal Crossing, loved that game as a kid, but I have literally no idea why, cuz it was just pure hell for me from what I can remember.
#also blues clues but less severe. I like blues clues. but my only childhood memories are when I was scared of it#YES I WAS SCARED OF BLUES CLUES. I HAD A HUGE FEAR OF MYSTERIES. IDK HOW OR WHY. ALSO MY MEGALOPHOBIA DIDNT LIKE THE CLOSE UP PAWPRINTS#the Halloween episode also scared me on several occasions. yes I was a baby. still kind of am.#but like I still have positive feelings about blues clues but ANIMAL CROSSING. ohhh man.#first of all that megalophobia I mentioned uh yeah not a big fan of seeing those big fish.#I was terrified of the rumor that you could see a GINORMOUS fish in the ocean. and I’ve been hearing it was REAL? worst thing ever.#but like. I couldn’t even take care of my irl self so you KNOW my village was totally trashed.#so I had to play while constantly getting told ‘everyone HATES living in this town’ and trying my best to fix it but it’s out of control and#I can’t bring myself to clean (I did it once. it was the happiest I’d been finally getting told positive things.)#my house always full of roaches too lol foreshadowing my life as an adult#ALSO THOSE FREAKING DANGEROUS BUGS WOULD GET ME ALL THE TIME I was always playing at night and getting terrified#I never had a ‘favorite villager’ in the traditional sense cuz none of them ever stayed long. they hated my town.#my fave was actually stitches but I never saw him. maybe I saw him once and he IMMEDIATELY moved out. that was my life.#I can’t name a single villager I ever had in my village cuz they always moved out. I learned not to form attachments even tho I wanted to.#and don’t even get me STARTED on Resetti. if you are a Resetti lover then WE ARE NOT MEANT TO INTERACT 😭#I’m joking I won’t judge you as a person if you like him but at the same time I genuinely on god hate him#opening up the game was a nightmare cuz I knew without fail every time I would have to see him.#‘just save’? it wasn’t ever ME that was doing it. it was my little siblings. and NO I couldn’t stop them. they were like GODS at stealing#not to mention parents would always side with them and make us share the games. they liked to delete saves and were gods at that too#but anyways so I was always stuck with Resetti cuz my siblings couldn’t leave my game alone and also couldn’t bring themselves to save befor#stopping. so every day it would be Resetti. I dreaded it so much because he is like SUPER reminiscent of my abusive step father at the time.#I often cried while just desperately trying to get thru his lectures. they were SO. LONG. and OH MY GOD the time he made me repeat something#I legitimately don’t know what it was but like I kept failing it. I know I was rlly bad with copying things as a kid#there was a time where I made the painful decision to quit in the middle of his rant. knowing that it would be worse next time but I was#simply unable to take it at that point in time. HOW EFFED UP IS THAT. THAT I JUST WANT TO PLAY A DAMN GAME BUT I CANT CUZ OF THE TRAUMA.#I hate Resetti I hate Resetti I hate him so much ‘oh he’s just a character’ THATS WHY IM FREE TO HATE HIM BABY!!! IT MAKES IT WORSE THAT PPL#DELIBERATELY CREATED A CHARACTER LIKE THAT HONESTLY! WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT TO POOR INNOCENT ME!!!#anyways yeah literally everything about animal crossing is so distressing to me and yet I remember loving it. no idea why.#my memories of it have like a dramatic and eerie vignette#and that newer one that came out and everyone was so excited. I can’t handle it cuz of the FISH AGAIN!!! MEGALOPHOBIA BE LIKE!!!!!!!
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