#BUT THOSE ARE THE INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS i hope

[sugar-grigri]

CSM 182 : snow or the power of forgetting

the snow, eaten by CSM recently, forgotten

the snow, the illusion that lulled Aki in his last moments

the snow, chapter 182, where you finally put the pieces together

what does snow mean ?

What if I told you that Denji's reaction to Yoru's ambivalence was the wrong one ?

I'm not talking from a moral point of view, but purely from a narrative one.

What does Yoru actually do by threatening and kissing him ?

It leads to ambivalence, to a striking contrast that is unbearable.

But life is nothing other than this same diluted contrast, this mixture of negative and positive constantly associated.

When Denji says he can't master these two facets, these dirty tricks and all the problems he has to face, that's precisely what has become his worry.

splitting himself, splitting his surroundings, seeing obstacles as ultimatums.

All this may seem off-the-wall and crazy, or like an analysis to justify Yoru's behaviour.

It isn't.

Don't see his kiss as a kiss, but as a narrative perch for Denji to finally face up to himself

Why ?

Dirty things are what he's always hoped for, they seemed in essence extremely positive, they were the way out of his misfortunes

For Denji, doing dirty things inevitably led to happiness.

Denji gradually realises, thanks to several female characters, that these dirty things are not all positive.

You might think that Denji really took his time to realise this...

But it's far from easy for him; for him, life was a deep unhappiness, always, with no prospect of happiness

Or rather, he couldn't see happiness

Because his conception of happiness was restricted to those dirty things

Pochita, Aki, Power, Nayuta, Denji realised his own unhappiness after their disappearance, he only realised the presence of happiness through his loss

Because he hadn't done anything dirty until now!

Until the end of part 1, Denji is trying to rethink his vision of happiness and is trying to break away from normality, to raise his standards higher: eating steak, 10 girlfriends.

Even though he has come close to happiness, Denji doesn't realise it, because since that happiness wasn't eternal, it wasn't happiness.

Happiness remains a way out for him.

Tasting his definition of happiness, being kissed by Yoru, makes him realise that happiness has lost its meaning.

With each kiss, Denji realises that it won't bring him happiness, because it doesn't make him happy.

Little by little, Denji tries to get closer to something for the long term, not the moment.

That's why, he asks if "Asa" loves him.

Can he finally taste that unchanging happiness? Never taste unhappiness again ?

Asa is his downside, her intrusive thoughts, her internal panics, her reflections are preventing her from living in the moment.

And she doesn't want to live in the moment, because she doesn't trust her instincts (when for Denji they are a way out).

Her instincts led her to save a cat, causing the sacrifice of her mother.

But it was Chainsaw Man who made her realise that life can be excruciatingly bitter and sometimes sweet.

Inhabited by Denji, who is as lost.

How could Denji say something as right as that crap burger if he's lost too ? Life is disgusting, it's tiring and yet we keep eating this burger, thinking of dogs, cats and ice cream.

Because Denji didn't do it.

It's Denji perfectly fused with Pochita.

CHAINSAW MAN.

A double being, symbolically realising the ambivalence of life.

Denji was Pochita's happiness, hence her sacrifice.

Pochita was Denji's happiness, hence his unhappiness.

The constant association of happiness with unhappiness - after all, that's all Denji and Pochita's meeting is about.

Except that at that moment, Denji had come to the wrong conclusion, talking about sex, hence the feeling of unease, and a sense of rupture in his speech. The hope of supreme happiness makes us eat this crap burger, it's true. But it won't make us happy.

What Yoru shows, even though he's part of Asa, is that the concept of happiness and unhappiness make no sense to a devil ; they instrumentalizes them, doesn't understand them.

So she gets hit by Asa because, damn it, this concept of happiness and unhappiness belongs to men.

So Asa takes over and says she hasn't recovered from her mother's death because this event will always seem so unacceptable and horrible to her. Bad things don't disappear.

What changes is the memories we want to bring to the fore.

Snow.

Symbolising Denji's supreme misfortune of having killed his brother to the point of vomiting with guilt.

Symbolically, it is this same vomiting that spits out the snow.

The snow is not just a trauma.

Aki was obsessed by the memory of the tragedy of his family, who were also killed in snowy weather.

And when Aki decides to visit his family's graves, to pay his respects tragically at his family's graves

He can't do it

Because two idiots divert his attention.

Forcing Aki to look away from the unhappiness of the past

To face the happiness right in front of him.

What Aki realised just before his death was that he had never seen happiness, or rather he had chosen not to.

Because happiness isn't there to be found, it's there, it's just there to be looked at, plunged in a pile of shit but it's sometimes there, but we refuse to consider that this thing is happiness, we can hope for more, can't we?

You have to eat this crappy hamburger, even if it means throwing up.

This is the taste of happiness.

Back to the snow

Which you associate with Denji's sadness and Aki's death

Yet this snow fight is Aki's last happiness

Seeing that snow again, associated with that fateful day when he lost his family

Holding that snow in his hands, and playing with his little brother, a little brother he has found again

What if this scene wasn't something he had to endure, but a choice? Aki's choice not to see, the gun held to his eyes, the choice to lull himself into one last sweet illusion, one last bandage, one last cigarette, to escape from this reality that he had always stubbornly tried to face, to escape from it.

But Denji is crying at this point.

Happiness cannot be total happiness, it melts, like snow.

Unhappiness will always be diametrically opposed.

The fact remains that snow is this temporary oblivion, this misfortune that we take in our hands to make snowballs, this moment of fun condemned to melt, snow determines what we do with our misfortune and our happiness.

Snow represents what we decide to see.

It is the forgetting, or rather the silencing of painful memories.

To realize that the snow is cold is to realize the end of happiness, because you're not playing anymore.

I don't like playing snowball: I don't like pretending to be happy anyway.

These memories will not disappear, but we can choose not to see them too much

The snow will remain cold, it will be condemned to melt, it is this moment, what we do with this moment.

Because if it didn't melt, no life would develop

If happiness and unhappiness were not this constant ambivalence, this intermingling of happy and painful moments, if this ephemeral aspect did not exist

Then no life would exist.

When Denji vomits snow, it's because he realises once again the association between happiness and unhappiness that snow represents.

Disgusted by this sad reality too, of not seeing unchanging happiness, of seeing life not as a burger, but as a shit burger.

But the snow is beautiful and it won't stay.

Like these two.

[certifiedsexed]

I'm the anon who was asking about viewing pregnancy as sexual a while ago. Yeah, it's the second case, it's more like an intrusive thought. It's not really a kink thing, in a sexual context, I'm generally indifferent to it (it's honestly completely inoffensive, and i'm not the type to be offended by unusual sex anyway), but in nonsexual contexts, I can't help but think about it as if it's a sexual thing I'm seeing. I know it's wrong logically, but intrusive thoughts are just like that. Though I don't think I can afford to go see a therapist for that, it's not, like, fucking my life up or anything. I'd just like to know some general thinking patterns to dissuade that kind of "ugh i know it's a common sex fetish so i can't stop thinking about it" thinking. If you're able to help, of course.

Oh, see that makes sense! I deal frequently with intrusive thoughts and that's a common type.

My first suggestion is always give those thoughts a name, separate them from yourself. [I used to call some of my worst thoughts "Bitch", lol.] And when they appear, don't freak out [you're doing great on that front, by the sounds of it], just go "Oh fuck off, [insert name]," or "that's not true, [insert name], shut up".

Also genuinely sitting down and talking yourself through why these thoughts are not based in reality can be helpful in shrugging them off. Sometimes I write, sometimes I just talk myself through it aloud. I dunno why, but it helps.

But also, keep in mind you are not your thoughts. It can take awhile to change intrusive thought patterns and some never go away! That doesn't make you a bad person or anything like that.

I don't know how much this helps but I hope it does, even a little. Let me know if you have any other questions! <3

[angelicaexists]

I'M SORRY (spoilers for the new windblume event btw)

ARE WE JUST NOT GONNA TALK ABOUT THIS SCENE?!

NOBODY HAS ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT???

[yaralulu]

I do think it’s funny how little he cared about her being dumped in the blood rite and was wayyyy too comfortable with doing nothing.“Oh sorry cassian there are rules even l can’t break 🙁” babe you’re the high lord of the night court I think you’re allowed to break some rules to save your brother’s mate and your mate’s sister who was just wrongfully thrown into what’s basically the hunger games.

[bonefall]

something that I feel like is ignored by everyone in the fandom is how lionblaze didn’t even mean to kill russetfur. he was trying to get her of off firestar, who she was killing, and she wouldn’t let go so he pulled harder and she broke. i haven’t read the books in a good few years but I remember that he was horrified. yeah, battling is their whole culture, and cats inevitably die from it, but everyone saw him as a monster for something he didn’t even mean to do. honestly, I feel like he would’ve been justified in scratching flametail up a bit when he walked over the border and started taunting him. medicine cats must also follow the warrior code, which means no trespassing

another thing is that everyone gives him crap for like. imagining himself killing heathertail even though they were definitely intrusive thoughts and he was clearly upset about them. as someone with intrusive thoughts myself it’s pretty disheartening to see people talk about how that makes him an obviously bad person (cat?)

i want people to acknowledge that he’s scared by his own strength, that he’s scared he’ll hurt those he cares about, and that he was very much struggling after accidentally killing russetfur. yes, he’s really not that good of a character, but he still has internal conflicts and a personal story, and after a certain point he just sees himself as a war machine, something to be used for the good of the clan, no matter how he feels about it

ShadowClan's hypocrisy in that battle always frustrated me in general. At various points in TNP, Po3, AND OotS, ShadowClan openly and flagrantly disrespects the code and attacks over this border constantly. Then the minute ThunderClan retaliates at all, suddenly they have to hand-wring about how sad it is that it came down to this

Russetfur can kill whoever she wants but Lionblaze defending his leader? That's just too far I guess. Like what happened to the goddamn Battle Culture? These pansies would never survive a battle for Sunningrocks.

I remember being a kid and wanting this battle for SEVERAL books, and then getting to this battle and... honestly I can't really remember much after it. It probably actually made me ragequit lmao. I definitely did not get to Flametail's death.

Bonefall Lionblaze

Anyway I spoke about the fight from a Bonefall Rewrite lens a couple days ago if you'd like to see that, including how I want Lionblaze to take away how he feels like Bramblestar used him as a war machine, Dovepaw thinks it's ironic he resents the very thing he's doing to her, and also what the political ramifications will be in ThunderClan (mixed but neutral).

In addition this battle is now going to actually be something that Bramblestar could have avoided. Firestar is dead by the end of Po3, so there's no need for false signs anymore. Bramble just throws his weight around; ShadowClan doesn't act like the hypocrites they are in-canon either.

As for Lionblaze, he is getting a full character arc in Po3! The climax of it is during the reworked Tribe Visit, where the Clan cats help to remove Flick's rogues. Lionblaze learns a lesson too well; that the point of strength is to use it to protect others, and the mindset causes him to shove his daughters Ivypool and Dovewing into harm's way.

Though I'm also working out how much of Lionblaze being terrified of his powers is staying, and what it will look like. I think a problem with canon is that so much of it really gets lost... because he DOES become a short-fused, impulsive war machine after OotS.

In-canon he almost mauls Heathertail, DOES maul Crowfeather, kills Russetfur, takes a life from Harestar, and infamously threatens Shadowsight... and only one of these actions was accidental.

In my rewrite I'm actually MASSIVELY mitigating this by removing the mauling and giving that to Hollyleaf... and I'm considering what sort of person he's going to be post-OotS as well, if threatening what is now his GRANDSON (father of dovewing) is actually something Bonefall Lionblaze would do.

But... I do try to hold close to canon. So the question comes down to;

Keep the earlier material where he is grappling with intrusive thoughts, and write a less violent character in future arcs

Eliminate the intrusive thoughts so that his later, current canonical personality isn't bad rep.

I am leaning more heavily towards eliminating the intrusive thoughts, in this situation. I value my portrayals of neurodivergency and I am feeling that the way I plan to write this character (pro-war, assertive, being feared by other Clans) would make for really bad implications if he was also dealing with intrusive thoughts, and not just standard legitimate "oh god i cant control my own strength" thoughts.

I'm still unsure though. Let me know what you think I should do in this situation. I can elaborate if more context is needed.

Canon Lionblaze and bad mental health rep

in-canon, the problem is Lionblaze doesn't just have intrusive thoughts that terrify him and he desperately avoids- he has violent, impulsive actions to match and is a legitimate danger to the people who anger him, before and after losing his powers.

(the 'after' is important because this is not only a result of magic powers)

Squirrel it away under canon's horrible representation of mental illness; the only character that has ever had intrusive thoughts in canon is "holding back impulses" he acts on with increasing frequency. It is a very problematic concept to begin with.

For those who don't know; Intrusive thoughts are unwanted by definition.

An intrusive thought is the worst possible thing your mind can conjure up in that moment and are very upsetting to experience. Whims are not intrusive thoughts. They're common with anxiety, depression, OCD, and PTSD; and it is extremely rare (and a sign of a BIG problem) that they are ever acted on.

To be clear though... Lionblaze has not had an intrusive thought that we know of since OotS. After worrying that he would hurt Cinderheart, but then cat-marrying her... it seems like they've just gone away.

It could be that we aren't in his POV anymore, or, it could be that they've abandoned this aspect of the character. Considering that TBC Lionblaze has ended up changing into a character that is a lot more violent and impulsive, it seems to be the second option.

[therianimal]

Recently I've been talking a bit about how my last psychotic episode had a massive effect on my identity and self image.

I often use Picrew to show how I see myself moreso than how I really look - they're essentially self portaits. I noticed a pattern today when looking through old ones, and decided to compile some for this post. The first image is a compilation I made a couple years ago; the second I made today using pics from a few months ago (during psychosis); the third shows a Picrew maker that I coincidentally used two separate times, once before the episode and once during.

My self image now looks very much like the "before" pics. Now that I'm both out of the episode and medicated I have essentially reverted to who I was before (with slight differences, plus some trauma from the episode itself). This is not meant to represent what psychosis "is" - psychotic people aren't dark or evil, but I thought I was and everything felt so frightening in the moment.

[cherrysnax]

[caffeinatedopossum]

I think many people who refer to intrusive thoughts incorrectly as being like "oo I dyed my hair! My intrusive thoughts won today teehee" are actually thinking of *impulsive thoughts* which, while not always normal, are still distinct from intrusive thoughts

[that-jack-kline-bestie]

Sometimes I have this thing where random thoughts just pop into my head and I have no idea where they come from. Usually they’re the average paranoia and intrusive thought type of things, but it’s not “I should break his leg. Wait what” or “oh my god someone’s watching” it’s more like a thought that’s literally not mine.

Like intrusive thoughts are things you wouldn’t think normally, but they feel like you’re the one who thought them. This is like if a random person came up to you and said “they’re killing you” with no explanation. There’s no idea behind the thought it’s just a phrase popping into my head

Is this a common thing? It’s pretty new for me, like the past month or two

[uncanny-tranny]

I thinka helpful way to look at stigmatized mental health issues is to remember that for many, behaviours and desires can look like an exaggerated version of emotions we all have and behaviours we all do. This isn't a good or bad thing, but I think it can be a helpful frame of reference for those of us who don't have that experience.

For example, a person with BPD might appear to others like they are doing something extreme (a good example of this is that I saw somebody express that they used to have intrusive thoughts telling them to break their arm so they would get attention from their loved ones), but this is an exaggeration of what so many of us experience. That example I included? We all, to some extent, need attention. We need to have that baseline met, and when it isn't, we all have to do something to remedy that need.

I think this frame can be useful to those of us who don't have these types of mental health experiences because it reminds us that this isn't an isolated experience for people to have - that people with these conditions have real human needs. We must remember to not dehumanize the needs of these people.

[lightblueminecraftorchid]

.

[du-hjarta-skulblaka]

Thinking tonight about Sunny and the whole contradiction of their nature being a fine-tuned bundle of survival imstincts wrapped around a profound death wish, and how they're currently dating a necromancer who in our current rp saved their life after an accidental overdose by literally swapping hearts with them after they did im fact did for a minute or so. And how they're now hooked on death magic and how that's just a more literal application of their already very much present if shoved to the back of their mind suicidal impulses. Something something love and life and death being far more deeply intertwined than can adequately be described.

[blackthorn-legion-irl]

STOP BEING SO FUCKING KIND TO ME I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE

I SENT A CORPSE TO A CHILD

...

You're too kind for your own good.

Fuck.

//Hello!! Rwat anon mod!! You're doing great lol no need to be nervous about interacting- if anything I was because I got accused of being- a not so great person yesterday and I was worried people were going to think that this character or that person was me ooc. Anyways, about rwat. They have severe intrusive thoughts constantly, and were in a manic state while sending threats and shit to paris which peaked with that package to sprite- but has now dipped down and they're more reasonable, though still unstable

i'll tell you one thing that i've never told anyone on here before. i know that this will make it publically known. but i think telling you will help.

i've done worse.

i don't know what - i've repressed most of that memory. but i was a stupid kid. i'm still a stupid adult sometimes. i probably snapped. my point is - if i can come back from that, so can you.

if you don't want to talk for now - or at all - i understand. i'll work on finding a good therapist near you who doesn't work with the cops - not sure if that's a worry you had, but easing it anyway. cops suck but if you'd like i will absolutely support you, okay? i can't go too extreme without drawing attention, but through... slight money laundering through my dude in johto i can make sure you have at least stable housing and supplies so you don't have to worry about those.

just remember. small steppy better than no steppy. and two steps forward one step back is still a net gain.

[roseverdict]

do you ever just have a horrific thought about the way the future could go

[rouge-wall-enthusiast]

God the urge to self harm is so fucking annoying babe I’m just trying to look at tumblr you don’t gotta do anything.

[maukuja]

mmmmm yeah okay brain is really being a hater today