#BUT I DO WORRY I WANNA BE GOOD AND NICE
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okay time to get ready for work, I will get through this and be as helpful today as I can possibly be!!!!!!!!! ☝️
#do NOT want to repeat my mistake of last sunday lol#and i don't want to make my coworkers worry again. they know about my bad habit of worrying about any and all mistakes#i always feel so bad when they try to calm me down. like. they don't need to..... but they still do. telling me not to worry so much#BUT I DO WORRY I WANNA BE GOOD AND NICE#but sometimes i'm a little stupid and careless... ach...
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Some usopp hcs
#one piece#god usopp#hi. sorry for not posting anything good in here for a while now. Idk when I'll go back to my prime but I'm kinda tired now#Probably because my assigments (?) are aligning with this thing I'm crafting that'll take me a while bc we're going on a small trip tmr so#can't finish it today and I think im so worried to finish this already (since it's a gift)#so it's been kinda hard to do something good. And when I'm able to do it it's always for other fandoms and I wanna do something cool & Nice#for One Piece too yk with colors and all#one piece headcanons#one piece hcs
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EEEEEEEEEEE GETTING A STARDEW TATTOO IN A WEEK⭐️⭐️⭐️
this poll will end in the wee hours of the morning before i get it, reblogs are appreciated !!! ;P
#st0neddew-valley#stardew valley#sdv#stardew valley tattoo#i don’t wanna spoil anything about it but it’s not original at all lmao#that’s ok though#i’m so excited#i sent the sketch outline thing to my artist today and they’re down to do it#gonna blast my inner elbow :’)#jk i’m using numbing cream#bc FUCK being super uncomfortable during a tattoo#ramble:#i used numbing cream on my last tattoo (sternum) and i shit you not i didn’t feel a thing for 3 hours#it was so fucking nice folks#highly recommend if you are super duper nervous about needles#or honestly if you’re worried about it being too painful#PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE ASK YOUR ARTIST BEFORE USING ANY NUMBING CREAM#THEY MAY NOT LIKE TO WORK WITH THE SKIN WHEN ITS EFFECTED (read it makes the skin tighter ???? idk)#they also might have really good recommendations#mine sure fucking did :)#ramble: done
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there’s so much i wanna do this week/month/etc but i’m just too sick, i have no energy, i can’t sleep, i’m constantly nauseous and headachey and on the verge of a migraine, i’m stressed and irritable and impatient and panicky…….how tf did i survive nearly 5 years of high school untreated if i can’t even manage this when i don’t have any major obligations rn
#at least i finally got my meds so hopefully i feel a little better soon#although i’m now on 20 pills per day which is Just Great#whenever i’m in remission it’s nice to just. forget sometimes that this can happen at any time#kinda wish i had the typical kinda chronic illness that people talk about with ‘flares’#or at least triggers that i can plan around#the other times have all had an easily identifiable stressor tho tbf. idk what caused this one#the first time was whooping cough and the next few were all very major life stressors like my cat dying right after i started uni#and i think also towards the end of my honours thesis?#but this…….there’s no major stress right now. nothing wildly beyond normal#i’m a little concerned about my joints tho. they’ve been so much worse than normal the last few months#so i’m kinda worried i’m developing rheumatoid arthritis (also an autoimmune disease and it runs in the family specifically)#so if that’s happening then it could set my thyroid off? probably should get to the doctor at some point#obv i’m seeing my endo for thyroid stuff. but i should see my gp and get her to run all the autoimmune blood tests again#i’ve done that before but it’s been a few years and my ankles and knees are so painful i can’t even walk properly a lot of the time#BUT I JUST WANNA DO THINGS I ENJOY AND I CANT AND I WILL CONTINUE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT#‘oh you’re so lucky you don’t have as many obligations because you’re chronically ill’ ha ha ha please swap lives with me immediately#personal#but seriously. i wasn’t diagnosed until i was nearly 17 and we can trace it back to whooping cough when i was 12#so it was the last half of year 6 and then all of years 7-10 and the start of year 11 of just being. uh. ‘very lazy and complaining a lot’#and TEACHERS joking about me and my sister (who was dealing with an arguably more severe undiagnosed disease) missing so many classes#wow so funny pdhpe teacher who’s supposed to be teaching is about health#and the thing with being a mentally ill teenager is that hyperthyroidism can just look like a very severe anxiety disorder#so i didn’t go to the dr until i was too sick to go to school at all. and luckily had a good dr who did a blood test#i’m just rambling now because i can’t sleep and i don’t wanna lie here doing nothing#might go play pvz or something. that’s been keeping me entertained
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good grief i have really gotten myself into a tizzy this evening. guy who post cancelled i can't even put it into words. horse ebooks everything happens to much <- not even big things happening i'm just autism styling (bad) my life today
#who would like to beam the perfect oversized/boxy cotton short sleeved shirt into my consciousness and solve one of my problems <3#things i'm stressed about:#family gathering tomorrow with young kids (high possibility that they'll be sick) and noone masks except me -> I can leave though.#someone borrowing my car aka worrying that i'll get sick if they're sick and i drive it but i don't wanna wear a mask in my car#-> literally just wear a mask it's fine. also i'll probably get it back with time to air it before i drive it#don't have nice things to wear so i don't feel good and it's hard to find anything -> well i'll just have to look. no good fix for this one#just gotta do it.#too late and i've fixated on stuff instead of chilling -> can't wind back time babey you made your bed unforch!#just one of those days where everything feels like so much! and it's all surmountable i just dont want to surmount it. i want it to be nice#in the first place :P ALAS! THE REAL WORLD!#you knowwww it is past 9pm that's 'don't trust how you feel about your life' time for real!!!!
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love music so much, i'm gonna make some noises about it !!
#just me hi#WOUGH..#sounds sounds sounds !!#i've also had sweet tea n that has caffeine so this might be hyperness from that but OUGH#i wanna talk my head off about something but i do not know what. hmmmmm#there is a very large variety of things to pick..........#//oh i'm wearing one of my favorite shirts today :D !#i like the pattern and it's kinda soft#though sometimes it feels itchy.. dunno why that is !#also favorite pants#'you shouldn't wear corduroy when it's hot' well it is ever so nicely cooler outside so :33#still wore it during the summer...#in my defense these pants Are baggy. and comfortable hkfhv#//mnmnm also been thinking about worrying about Not worrying#cuz you know when you've got a pretty good feeling nothing bad is going to happen? i get that a lot so i'm usually coasting#but i Should be worrying. cuz i think that's what most people do here pfshv#but i'm here like 'well :) the Vibes aren't bad so' but what if they Are and i just don't know for some reason loll#it makes zero sense to worry about not worrying. things happen or don't happen n that's just how it is#and besides - i'm not going to get interrogated about 'why aren't you more concerned?' because that's a bit weird#but i dunno. it Does feel like that sometimes too lmfhsvh#cuz i think sometimes 'if i talk about this and don't seem worried enough- or if i mention it offhandedly w/o the gravity people would#associate with it- Could that look concerning?' and goouhhhhhhhhhghgh#it's a weird loop of thought lmfsvhhg#i'll figure it out at some point. i think for nooooow though.. :3#//i'm gonna draw later !! maybe do some redraws ? cuz i've been thinkin about them and ooouh they're calling me#OH also thinking about changing my banner + pfp but i dunno... i get attached hfbvhs#but YE. i'm gonna go get more tea and finish my Tasks :33#tooooooodles 🎉
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NEW USERNAME STEPCHILD????
Yeahhhh !! Not the best circumstances but I’m being brave and it feels fitting because it’s named after one of the wholesome little small joys of my life :) I also feel like it’s fitting to the energy I’m going for right now since trying to get rid of that constant feeling of underlying guilt in favour of like. Not feeling that lol. It’s been going pretty well I got my shit together most of the time :3
#Yeah trigger warning but uhhhh#Someone I was friends with a while back that I haven’t texted in like 6 months (was acc gonna block her bc I don’t get on with her like I#used to and talking to her didn’t make me feel good anymore. wish I did now tbh) made a post saying she’ll be dead in a few hours and then#made a comment tagging me :/// so it destroyed the whole nice vibe for me really#Sorry I know ppl probably don’t wanna hear it. Neither do I really but like I need to get it off my damn chest cause like who even does tha#As much as I’m worried for her and I hope she’s okay that was shitty. That was really damn shitty and I can’t see any other purpose than to#Make me feel like shit#It’s worked!
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nah its weird being in your early 20s, being surrounded by friends going thru some sort of early adulthood crises and "holy fuck im never gonna amount to anything im already 21, im never gonna be making money im never gonna be famous" -thoughts when like. all of the media you consume is by people who are well into their 30s and often, 40s
like i feel like im so chill about this partly because i feel like if this random mid class guy who got famous for the first time off of a podcast he started at 35 after working restaurant and retail jobs ........ anythin can happen u can do new shit after 27 girl
#idk#rant#tw existential crisis#tw existential dread#tw existentialism#of COURSE not to say retail or restaurant jobs arent important#in anticipation of the comments im prolly gonna get cause this is tumblr#but like i know those are the jobs 95% of people HAVE to work and dont like and ppl get worried theyll get stuck-#-in jobs they dont like#idk man.#so many of my favourite artists have only started to BEGUN pursuing their art after theyve turned like. 31#a bit chunk of the critical role cast was like. almost 40 when they STARTED!! the show!!!#not that they are now but that they started#granted all of them were sorta famous already ig but thats not the point bcs cr is what theyre known for and they started it later#justin mcelroy was a married 30-something at the beginning of mbmbam#like. idk its weird i sometimes wanna just like take my friends by the shoulders and go Hey.#u were a teenager Yesterday. give yourself some slack and enjoy your life#no matter what it looks like#and not to say that having crises and shit isnt valid god it is i do it all the time#but its good to keep urself grounded yk. remember that everything Will be okay even if youre not a lawyer by 23#or if you dont know where youre going at age 23#i just think its given me so much perspective and chillness to this whole. life is long thing. to have these “”“role models”“”“-#that are older than me#idk reminds me that literally Nobody. literally nobody achieves that influencer lifestyle at 19 life#its nice. anyway#rant over#vent
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getting into doing volunteer work but IDK WHERE TO VOLUNTEER AND IT IS STRESSING ME OUT 😭 i really wanna do environmental services (like clean up or planting) or help people in need but there are so many places to choose from and idk how to make the right choice 😭 STRESSING!!!
#I think i may try this one place where they teach elementary students about the beauties of farming :)#CUTE!!! :)#and they teach them the importance of eating veggies!#but also i wonder if there is a cleaning service i can do#like cleaning trashed parks lakes grassy areas etc#i do that already#because it’s a good and kind thing to do#but it would be nice to get some volunteer hours for it#that’s another thing I’m worried about#i’m so so nervous that places are gonna be like “wow you just want volunteer hours for school 😐😒“ NOOOO!!!!#I WANNA HELP OUT CAUSE I LIKE HELPING PEOPLE AND GIVING BACK TO THE WORLD :((((#but it’s also good to get hours for school 😭
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oksies hi starting a new thread of get to know you
haii I'm moth and also thea you may call me any nickname as well <3
I love musicals so so much (niche and popular!! basic-shaming is lame)
I am superhero obsessed (augh pied piper)
doctor who is my autism (yay river sonf!!!!)
good omens heoughhhhhhhh
super excited to meet you <3333333
Hi moth!! You can call me tetra. Don't worry that's not my real name or anything tho. I took it from the concept of tetrachords in music.
If we're generous about what we call superheroes, then maybe most of the things I like are superhero based. I mean obviously there's marvel and dc, but then there's stuff like dpxdc, sonic the hedgehog (idk if I've ever heard him called a superhero but he kinda is), if we count magical girls then like. Sailor moon and madoka magica
I haven't seen any episodes of good omens, but I read a really good fanfic of Crowley going to therapy a while back, and a couple funny ones with like yelp reviews of Aziraphale's bookstore. Plus I love the good omens analysis posts on here. I feel like maybe I half know some of what's happened in the show but also probably haven't scratched the surface. I'm kinda bad at watching TV shows, so there's a lot of stuff that I know from fandom but haven't seen. For another example of that, I've only watched one or two episodes of Sonic Prime. I reblog posts for it and it sounds good but idk. Just bad at it.
I'm a much more casual fan of musicals, I think for the same thing as above where I just struggle to sit and watch something on purpose. But I listen to the music from them sometimes, I've read transcripts online of a couple, and i swoon whenever I see a post analyzing the meaning of a musical song, especially when they go beyond lyrics and start going into the music theory in the tune. I don't have the skills or knowledge to do that myself but I love it so much
(when the singer changes their technique to enhance the meaning,, when this or that chord is a step outside the key to symbolize change or isolation or anything,,, using instruments as symbols for this or that character,,, tbh it doesn't have to be a musical even shout out to that youtube video by Scruffy on how fnaf's audio and sound effects make it scarier)
Lately I've been bouncing back and forth between Sonic and DPxDC. With hints of Slay The Princess in there bc I saw part of a playthrough of that awhile ago and loved the concept. I reblog madoka magica stuff whenever I see it (except magia record bc I know next to nothing about it) because that stuff makes me lose my mind. The love the pain the hope the despair!! Homura is probably like my ultimate blorbo but I love all the five girls they're so cool. I actually read the manga instead of watching the show though so I'm not as familiar with all the music. Plus I think the show had some extra scenes. Although it's a little confusing bc I think some of the extra scenes I see are magia record so idk.
Also I'm a fan of arts and crafts and will reblog that kind of thing once in a while, along with cute cat stuff.
Super excited to meet you too!
#sorry about the late response. got nervous and then put it off for awhile#hopefully it's a good one though?#it's unedited bc if i think stop and think harder/worry more now i'll never escape the think stage and i will post nothing#and i don't wanna do that#if there's anything you wanna know just ask#actually maybe i should think of some questions for you#oh like who's pied piper? i haven't heard of a superhero with that name just the child-stealing legend#unless you consider that guy a hero which like. i guess you could interpret it like that? teaching the value of not exploiting your workers#and i've read at least one story based on the legend where he takes the children somewhere nice#i feel like stealing children is not the ideal solution to that issue but it is a bit iconic if you think about it right#maybe he couldve taken some crops instead tho like thats the village income. it'd be more similar to money than kids.#i mean i guess in those days kids were also workers. and somewhat exploited generally.#so i guess i could see it as the guy getting exploited and then grabbing all the other exploited workers in town#i'm not really a history buff am i off base with this theory completely#i know kids used to have to work to help their families and that there are child labor laws for a reason#but also. not like there was a ton of free entertainment in the olden times.#i mean the parents almost definitely didnt pay kids money but chores aren't exploitation#maybe i should leave this up to interpretation#or just say it depends on situation and some kids probably were exploited while others weren't#hmm. this whole thing is probably just bs. i don't know what i'm talking about#oh well i hope you didn't mind it
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i wanna draw oso but splatoween drawing is calling out to me
#im not gonna go too crazy on it bc i miss ososan lol#might do frye sans papyrus skeletor and uhh that gal from monster high group thingy maybe#and i wanna have fun while drawing it. ppl love my art nonetheless and that makes me feel better#like worrying abt if it’s good or not. someone will always find it very very nice#when ppl say it looks good and stuff or just give it a like is enough to me#like okay! thank u ^u^!!!#ppl view my art differently than i do and that’s a blessing in disguise#in a great way
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YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEE PRICELESS IS SO GOOD RIGHT... LOVE THE ENDING FOR THAT... and very much anticipating First Penguin's... which I am DETERMINED to continued today... I feel bad for falling behind because I ended up binging a whole anime yesterday since the secondary protagonist was based on Tsutsumi and lost track of Fucking Everything 😭😭😭he is so cute though😚
OH BUT YEAH I played DQXI's demo [the first ten hours of the game or so]... yeaaahhhh... definitely that kind of game for me too... but I hope whenever you get back to it you have a good time! I may not know a thing about Metroid but I am also happy to hear it was an enjoyable experience overall :] I enjoy the tag rambles very much :]
REGARDLESS... EPIC... I HOPE YOU ENJOY SP... OR AT THE VERY LEAST I HOPE YOU CAN STICK WITH IT UNTIL IT BECOMES ENJOYABLE...
AND YOU'RE JUST NOT GOING TO DROP THE TITLE so mean telling me about all these interesting things to watch and not sharin the title (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)
TEN HOURS FOR THE DEMO ??? long as hell demo... OH BUT NO i love the games a lot !! ive followed the series for a while since. i do have that dragon ball/toriyama fanatic in me unfortunately even if i dont like toriyama himself ☠️☠️ i only really got to actually start one of the games last year when my bro got DQXI for me and ive been loving it so far (*￣▽￣*)ミ|Ю
i've BEEN enjoying it so far !! i'm just about to start episode four tho i AM gonna lose my mind if this hospital arc goes on one more episode bro this half the series already ☠️
#snap chats#joking of course.... haha unless--#if this is the chara you mean then he seems like a nice fellow :) i trust his vibes already..... he seems like a chara i'd like...#OH BUT PRICELESS WAS SOOOO GOOD AND SO LOVELY TYSM AGAIN FOR RECCING IT... i hope you enjoy the rest of first penguin !!!!!#NO WORRIES BOUT RUSHIN IT fair nuff theres no deadline !!!! id rather you take your time and enjoy it on your own terms anyhow :)#but SPEEEAAKING of DQ im actually playing it rn LMAO. i only stopped last year cause i just had an awful exp with a boss#and then i got busy with Life but itd been bothering me that i just stopped so i finally decide to get back into it#the boss wasnt even that hard this time around... tho i think thats just cause i went in Prepared this time ☠️#i dont remember why my bro got me DQXI.. i think he was just using some gamestop deal he had and got himself something too..#NOOO UGH i dont know if its in the demo but the boss was arachtagon and he's who i thought of while making that ichi and masato comic LMAO#of course i couldnt reference that fight since.... that wasnt the DQ game of the time... but still we get the point i think...#nono i love dragon quest and playing it's something i'm happy i finally get to do#it definitely requires you to think a lot more and be more careful with what you do#i mean itd PRRROOBBBABLY be easier if i did sidequests but i have a terrible tendency to wanna finish the game first...#in any case. i am playing it while watching SP because i was thinking of the next part of the game and was stuck on it#and when i looked up where to go i was like 'no i already checked that spot' and i was just gonna leave it at that but now i cant stop#but i ALSO really wanted to watch SP today but fortunately i can multitask#not like i need to pay a LOT of attention to dq rn.. im just grinding. cause im broke ☠️#oh but im glad you enjoy the tag rambles :) i have too many thoughts for my own good#like how when i was at the game store i saw DQ treasures AND metroid dread AND the megaman battlenetwork collection..#i was fighting real demons that day not to empty my wallet....#luckily my bro was with me so i felt like him being there was a way to keep me in check. even if he prob wouldnt have opposed (￣▽￣;;)#IN ANY CASE. i have multiple medias to consume lest i let The Thoughts take over my brain again for even a second ٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶#inoue's chara is so funny like He's Super Human um doc... i think he's just autistic lowkey..... he still a baller regardless tho
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Having the strong urge to just go into the wilderness and dissociate and forget I'm alive for a bit
#luka.txt#vent#I'm just so caught up in different aspects of life it would be nice to just enjoy nature for a bit and forget everything#I never feel like I can just do anything though#it's majority just me putting this mindset on myself but like I never feel like I can just do stuff when my parents are home#idk how to explain it#and also this idea in particular comes with fears#fear of people - the constant paranoia of what if I get attacked or kidnapped whenever I'm alone xd#and fear of wilderness - what if bear attacka#or like I lay in the grass and a bug crawls into my ear#I think I would die#genuinely I can't remember the last time I just fully 100% felt safe#it's ridiculous because I'm in a very loving and supportive (mostly) home#shit is hard to explain idk#but this the type of shit I'm worried about it's kinda why I wanna just escape for a bit#I'm leaving vent posts up idgaf I feel guilty whenever I vent to ppl and this feels like the only way I can articulate my thoughts anymore#I can't wait 2 weeks to illustrate every little thing on my mind and journaling takes too long#even though it's good to slow the brain down when I'm spiraling but also it feels like if I don't get my thoughts down now then I'll never#be able to#agh#whatever#things are getting kinda bad again#I feel like I'm dead weight because of all my baggage and that I'm just an inconvenience to ppl 🥲#urgh I need to just stop talking man I'm gonna spiral#but this has been on my mind like constantly lately I feel like garbage 👍
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🙌🙌🙌
New chapter is finished. Now needs to be edited and then hopefully posted (either today or Tuesday as I have work early tomorrow)
It is 6.7k and idk if I should add or take away from it. Either way the ball is rolling for the fic which is good.
My work schedule is looking good, I am looking forward to just relaxing and enjoying writing and drawing now I have finally moved into my new place and have started my new job. Hopefully I can just enjoy creating and relaxing in my own time now there is nothing pressing to do.
I have several new and old fic idea I wanna explore and I want to pick up on where I left off on some of my older fics. I also wanna play more video games and hand out with some old friends more often.
This is going to be my year of being productive and having fun! Ima going to have fun with my writing and my art and goinb to work towards producing more of it!
#think I might update on Tuesday rather than tonight#I wanna cook some tacos tonight and don’t wanna run out of time because I was editing#I am going to enjoy myself now I don’t have much to worry about since everything is done now#I have a house and I have a job and I don’t need to do anyting#other than work#which is fine because my new ward is nice#and the work is rather simple nursing work so taht is all god#I am happy and in a good place
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looks like im gonna start speaking in riddles
or blow up a building
#i actually love the fashion in psi a lot#i kinda wanna draw lou in the different fits#perhaps one day but also knowing me i wont get to it before i get distracted by something else sob#im glad i have a good amount of outfits unlocked from the past#good job past me#i really do need to make more fanart again#but yea we r getting screenshots of this game until i finish psi#that will last like a week or 2 depending on how fast i read#welcome to this new arc#i wanna read other books (2 specifically) but ill take a break and find something else to do for a bit and then switch back#so dont worry the anime boys will be back ijiqsjq#i read a lot of VNs and play a lot of sim games.... i just like fictional romance (the wholesome and the horror) a lot#i feel very passionate about it rn ig#uk whats funny#this game also kinda does hit on the 'dress up game' love i have#obviously no where near something like time pr1ncess or nikki#but like it does a bit which is a nice bonus!#i like to dress up my characters and i like having a wide variety of stuff to pick from#it sparks joy#romance club
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THIS IS NOT FUNNY GUYS how to become hot enough to justify being so so selfish how to not die AHGHHH AGHGGHHH I HATE HOMOSEXUALITY I HATE GAY PEOPLE AGGHHGGH literally my only weakness. can u imagine my power if i werent gay. i would die meaningless and alone but at least id know id been perfect by everyone else. i was not built for this i was built to be worshipped and yet here i am GROVELING like a PATHETIC FAGGOT because im WANTING SOMETHING which lends myself to VULNERABILITY AND GIVES THE POWER TO DESTROY ME TO SOMEONE ELSE. and WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO. KILL MYSELF?1?1!1??1? maybe the problem is having self esteem. id say maybe its ok to be this pathetic as long as it makes them love me but it DOESNT EVEN. ITS ANNOYING AND BURDENSOME. i have to suppress myself if i want any of them at all. FUCK MY BAKA LIFE.and im GRATEFUL for this much but i cant help wanting more to the point the need and denial is interfering with my ability to enjoy anything. maybe buddha was right.........
holy shit i just reached the tag limit. anyways im gonna go take a fat shit and pray to god for a system reset soon plzplzplzplz i neeeed it i neeeed to reforge my identity from a depersonalized perspective chat come on its BEEN SO LONG what do i need to do.. ITS NOT MY FAULT NO ONES BEEN TRAUMATIZING ME LATELY come on now:/ i guess thats a good thing but i didnt know i was gonna turn into such a pissbaby afterward 😭 i hate the concept of regression how about im on top of it forever how about i never feel my emotions and never act my age THIS IS TOO SCARY IM SO BAD AT IT AHGHHHHH i will persevere. i just pictured a locked in chad face as a representation of myself and all my mortal complications have been quelled. Get back to work everypony crash out OVER. 😐🧏
#globs #♡
#I DONT EVEN WANNA BE PATHETIC#I DONT WANT TO BE LIKE THIS#ITS NOT ENJOYABLE#i hate being like this#maybe if they wanted me more or if i wanted them less itd be more balanced but either is impossible#i wonder if they at all enjoy it being like this#despite the responsibility and the annoying parts#im doing all i can do contain it and yet.#its my problem#i keep being too scared to even admit i feel like this for fear of it leading to thoughts of breaking up or losing love#so i need to keep reminding myself that this is nothing in the long run and conflicts are normal.#we've had a pretty much perfect relationship so im not used to any problems but normal relationships have them all the time#as long as we stick together itll be ok and i dont need to worry about all that#this is just like sadistic beauty side story b (nobody search this up)(the yaoi might be too toxic w this one..)#like when the top ruins everything by caring and wanting to be loved back when thats simply not possible when hes already taking so much#i need to learn his lesson and just give up bro 😭😭 its ok that im giving everything but holding it back only when they want and not getting#the same back bc how i love is already wrong its alr my fault and theyre being nice enough bearing the burdens and tolerating it#and i wont find anything more than what theyve given me and even then i dont want it if its not them#BUT ITS SO HARD#I dont want to say i cant#its just hard to keep up after a while#i get tired too#but i always need to pick myself up#the worst part is theyre so insistent on giving me hope. theyd prolly want me to talk this out w them and theyd say theyre sorry and theyll#try harder but i dont want that. theyll try and it wont work and itll strain them. i dont want it to be an active effort to love me. id#rather just not have as much for the sake of the longevity of it.#despite knowing that i still keep wanting because theres always that chance that theyre offering me by being too kind.#and i have the gall to get upset at tgem about it sometimes.. i know its only momentary unreasonability but it does build subconsciously#and i despise that the most. i never nevr never want to hate them because theyve already given me everything i could ever ask for#and theyre such a good person with such good intentions and i adore them and theres nothing else out there for me
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