#Atsushi: you mean its really possible-

[with-my-calamitous-love]

I CHOOSE YOU AND ME, RELIGIOUSLY

osamu dazai x reader

thoughts about how dazai would treat you

same premise as the chuuya + atsushi ver

inspired by guilty as sin

osamu dazai, who doesn’t really know how to love. you confuse him and challenge the equations in his head. who is a mystery to everyone, even himself. who is sure that nothing will fill his heart. who is easy to approach, but hard to love.

osamu dazai, who wonders if he’s allowed to cry. if he’s allowed to show any real emotion behind the walls and bandages he’s put up. who wonders if he- an absolute vile monster of a man- is allowed to love you. who wonders if he deserves anything more than death for what he’s done, for the demon he still thinks he is.

osamu dazai, who still tries to be a good man. who takes the words of his former friend to heart. who wonders when he’ll deserve to love. who wonders when he’s considered good enough to love you. who is usually so smart, so calculated, and so thoughtful, and who is at an embarrassing loss for words when it comes to you.

osamu dazai, who decides he’ll bet against the universe once again. who throws his life to the wolves and the ocean rocks if it means getting to hold you. who treats you like gold, whispering words into your ear he would never dare to speak to anyone else. “you’re not my first kiss, my first time, or even my first ‘i love you’ but you are the first person who made living seem possible for me.”

osamu dazai, who prefers to be alone. who knows thats what makes you different, because for the first time ever, he craves your presence. he wants you in his lap while he reads, who actively pulls you towards him when he sleeps, who kisses your knuckles before leaving for a mission, who returns to engulf you in his embrace when he steps into a home. who actually thinks of his apartment as a home when you’re in it.

osamu dazai, who everyone thinks is a womanizer, but is secretly a gentlemen. who knows chivalry like its his first language. who always opens to the door for you, slips his hand around your waist like a puzzle piece, who zips up all your clothes for you, who presses kisses underneath your ear while he’s at it, who reads you poetry, who teases you because he can’t help but love the way you turn pink, who somehow manages to keep the flowers he buys for you alive for longer, who knows everything about you, and who lets you decode his soul.

osamu dazai, who wants you to know him as well as he knows you. who tells you about his past, about his wrongdoings, about odasaku. who swears that the most human he has ever felt was when he was looking at you. who can’t fathom how you’re real. who lets you see whats under his bandages. how his heart swells when you kiss each one.

osamu dazai, who makes chuuya promise him to protect you should anything ever happen to him. who can’t stand the thought of you leaving, even though death was such a common feeling for him in his life. who tells chuuya you’re his everything, and trusts him to look after you. who can’t imagine another man ever loving you, but knows that chuuya is a man of promises, and will not let anyone touch a hair on your head once he’s gone.

osamu dazai, who thinks of you as way to die. who takes one look at you and recalls things that haven’t even happened yet. late nights, messy kisses, promises, families, embraces, heaven, sin, unraveling, scars, loving not despite but because. who’s heart is so full of you he can barely call it his own anymore.

osamu dazai, who thinks that even if its all make belief, and if he’s simply made you up, he’ll uphold his vows anyway. he’ll still come home to you with a kiss to your forehead. he’ll still always give you his jacket when you even slightly shiver. he’ll still read to you his favourite poetry, tell you his secrets and watch how you love him anyway. he thinks that even if you aren’t real, he’ll love you like his favourite storybook.

osamu dazai, who knows the world will crucify him anyway. who knows he’ll likely pay for what he’s done at some point. who knows the universe will catch up to him soon, even though he’s trying to be better. who thinks its okay if he gets what he deserves, even if its death, because he’s already seen heaven just by kissing you. who thinks that way you hold him is spiritually holy, who lets you haunt him stunningly. he vows to find you in another life, one where he can deserve you. a life where he an love you with no limits. who knows he’ll choose you, always.

[nyxi-pixie]

okayyyy ive been meaning to talk about this moment forever because i think the way i see it differs from a lot of general fandom opinion.

for context, this is from the dhc section of the dead apple manga. skk are talking about an executive who just died and dazai makes a joke about it, prompting chuuya to deck him in the face and say nobody could believe dazais human. (believe, very importantly. not that he Isnt, just that its unbelievable).

humanity is a key theme to all of bsd, but its Very explicitly central to the skk dynamic. chuuya is an intensely human character in the way that he acts and thinks, and yet! between his ability and ofc the history in the lab, it still gets called into question.

(its pretty solid that our chuuyas the real one, but thats not the point here. sb being an exploration of what it means to be human and whether Actually Being One is all that important to what you are and do, through a Distinctly human character- Thats the point. How you are being more important than what you are.)

then we have dazai on the other hand, where what he is doesnt come into question at all. Even his ability, despite its name, isnt dehumanising to an outside eye, compared to chuuyas corruption or atsushis tiger for example that can take away from their control of themselves. its the how he is, in contrast to chuuya, that comes into question with dazai. he very consistently holds himself outside of humanity both implicitly (through self isolation - shipping container being an extreme example) and explicitly (dead apple dazai talking about humanity as an Outside Observer. he is Not including himself as one of them).

When we are encouraged to doubt his humanity, its dazai Telling us to. he deliberately poses himself as inhuman because he FEELS it. and the dhc moment to me has always felt like chuuya seeing through it and calling his bullshit. Dazais making light of a death to be a dick, to push chuuyas buttons, but also because hes got this constant need to present the worst possible version of himself.

actually if you look at the panels of him when hes talking about the guy being dead, just before he gets dramatic ridiculous exaggerated dazai about it, he doesnt seem to think of it so lightly

(smthn smthn dazai imposter syndrome. the need to deny any of his more human qualities because he feels they dont Fit him. and the links w his questions to atsushi at the beginning and end, his bs 'do i really seem like the type of guy to do x thing'.)

chuuya says hes acting inhuman, that his humanity isnt something people will believe because of the way he ACTS. and then chuuya does an example of his own Chuuya Humanity Act, an act of service for the people he cares about in the form of going to solve the situation himself. AND. ultimately, dazai ends up planning around this later to lead chuuya straight to him so the two of them can deal with it together.

skk pretty consistently ground eo to humanity. dazai through nullification/corruption, but outside of their abilities too (its the thought of dazai - more specifically, not thinking like him - that stops chuuya from killing N in stormbringer and denying verlaines assertion that he shouldnt have been born). and on the flipside, chuuya is part of the reason dazai doesnt khs during or after fifteen. dazais protecting people thing really starts out with chuuya. and again, chuuya makes it his business to call dazai on his shit. (even right the way back in chapter 31 of the main manga, we have that interaction over Q, with dazai saying he spared them only for self serving logical reasons, and chuuya saying he doesnt buy it).

this to me has always felt like part of that. its not 'youre not human', its 'the way you act makes it unbelievable that you are'. its an invitation to prove he is by doing something Real, something worth more than sleeping there til he dies.

and dazai does.

[prettyrainsstuff]

A little something for not posting anything for ages💗 (Happy Birthday to Nikolai btw!)

-Various BSD characters x Male reader-

Summary- What, Nikolai, Akutagawa, Atsushi, and Kunikida would be like in a relationship (in my opinion)

Warnings: none!

-‪♡NIKOLAI GOGOL

•ok uh..

•where do I even start with this dude😭

•The Decay of angels are VERY surprised how you deal with his energy

•bonus points if you match his energy

•but if you don’t he’ll still act the same

•He’s like a toddler that clings onto you half of the time

•the only time he’s not clinging onto you, is during meetings and etc

•but times other than that you’re gonna need a whole army to peel him off of you

•Especially when you wake up he will NOT let go of you.

•When you guys cuddle he honestly doesn’t care which spoon he is

•You wanna be the big spoon? He loves that.

•You wanna be the small spoon? He loves that too.

•Even before you guys got into a relationship he would “jokingly” flirt with you..A lot..

-‪♡AKUTAGAWA RYŪNOSUKE

•Oh my god..

•this poor boy has never been in a relationship before..

•PLEASE go easy on him😭😭

•Akutagawa feels vulnerable without his coat on but I think with you he’d definitely take it off

•It doesn’t matter what you do he will always be so flustered.

•Go on tea dates and go to antique shops.

•Now the cuddling situation..

•When you first cuddled or just slept together he stayed as far away from you as possible

•not that he hates you its just he doesn’t think he deserves you or his affection

•After you reassure him he’ll slowly start to cuddle with you more.

•I see Akutagawa as a little spoon. He likes the feeling of being held.

-‪♡ DOPPO KUNIKIDA

•What happened to your ideal woman huh Kunikida?

•Sorry but you can’t control who you fall in love with kunikida😓

•He’s def very protective of you.

•Always asking you if you’ve eaten today and have been drinking enough water.

•Now when it comes to the cuddling situation he’s definitely a big spoon.

•because he needs to “protect you if something happens”

•He says he still needs to follow his strict schedule

•Hopefully your okay with waking up at 5 in the morning and being dragged to work

•If you cling to him in bed you’ll make him angry because your gonna “mess up” his schedule.

-‪♡ ATUSHI NAKAJIMA

•Bruh..

•Poor dude😓

•He’s REALLY awkward..

•BUT PLEASE DONT BE MEAN TO HIM😭

•He’s trying his best ok?

•He’s the sweetest boy ever but if someone were to ever say something or do something to they better wish that they never met you guys

•I can’t decide whether this were-tiger is a little spoon or a big spoon

•But I think he’s definitely a small spoon

•I need more little spoons in my life.

•Like Akutagawa, he’ll definitely start out awkward but he gets a bit more comfortable he won’t be as awkward.

[imahinatjon]

How it feels to be ignored PT2

Dazai x Reader 💗⛈️

The plan was never to get back with Dazai, but since no one wants to break up with him, there are two versions 😙

No chuuya in this one unfortunately 😔 couldn't think of how to do it.

Part 1

No one could read his reaction when he opened and read your letter. His face blank, entirely void of any emotion. It was a little unnerving, and Atsushi was hesitant to ask what was wrong - what had happened.

He didn't say anything, but his eyes found two certain individuals who ovbiously knew what this was about.

He brushed Atsushi off saying nothing has happened and left the office, in spite of kunikida's protests.

He walked aimlessly for a while, thinking on where he could have possibly gone wrong, what had happened. He really wished he could see you right now, that you'd just appear infront of him so he could ask you what he had done to make you leave him.

But... when had he last seen you? He remembered a walk, and a goodbye kiss on your doorstep- which at the time you didn't seem all that interested in, and he had originally put it down to you just being tired. That had been... how long ago now? A few days? A week? No, two weeks. He had messaged you twice during those two weeks between then and now.

He sends you a message asking if you can talk. But 5 minutes later he's already lost his patience and is anxiously dialing your number, waiting for you to pick up the phone. Maybe you'll tell him its all a joke. But dazai is a realistic guy and knows that's not happening.

---------------------------------------------------

BAD ending - you don't get back together

A week later and he's at your door, he gets there just as you leave - he stands behind you as you lock your door, announcing himself quietly so he doesn't startle you too much.

You don't startle at all, but you also pay him very little notice, simply greeting him with a quiet hello and moving to go on about your day

"Can we at least talk about this?" He asks. It pains you how desperate he sounds, but...

"What is there to talk about? You've clearly moved on with your life since the Mafia, leaving your past behind - a past that I wad part of... It's time I move on too"

He doesn't... get it. He's moved on from the Mafia... he didn't mean to move on from you too

"What do you- why?"

"Weeks Dazai. Sometimes, it takes weeks for you to remember I'm even there. Everywhere we go, everything we do - I initiate it, I invite you in... sometimes you came, sometimes you didn't. Usually you were far too busy to remember that I was always there, waiting"

He tries to remember the last time he asked YOU on a date, and took YOU out... it had been a while indeed, and he was starting to recognise his mistakes, you could see the gears turning as he realised he'd been so caught up in his new life, that he'd forgotten he dragged you along with him.

"No more Dazai. I'm moving on, so you can move on too"

-------

He doesn't. He doesn't move on, a year later and he still thinks over your last conversation. Occasionally he asks Yosano how your doing, knowing she kept in touch with you.

You have a new boyfriend - that's what she told him. You moved on, found someone who always has time for you. Someone who helped you out after the breakup. She won't say who, but he has an inkling. And honestly? He's glad.

He sees you occasionally too - you look happy again, the happiest he'd ever seen you infact. Perhaps it was for the best that you left him, that he hadn't kept holding on and stringing you along with him.

Your new boyfriend is someone he knows, someone he never thought you'd go for. Someone he'd never expected to chase after you. But he did, and that makes him hard for dazai to look at. But he'll manage. He always does.

---------------------------------------------------

GOOD ending - you get back together

He was outside your door within a week, knocking frantically - it was unusual for him, but he was desperate. He needed you back.

You were on the otherside of the door getting ready to go out, slightly panicked by the frantic banging on your door.

You were hesitant but opened it slowly, until you saw who it was, where you then straightened up and opened the door fully.

"What?"

"Not even a hello?" He tried to play it cool.

But you know better.

"Get on with it? What do you have to say?" Being cold to him hurt. But it's the only way you'd get through this without throwing yourself into his arms full of tears.

He takes a deep breath.

"Look, I'm... I don't want to break up with you. I don't want you to leave me..."

"Okay? And?" You could feel your defences slip when he flinched ever so slightly - the briefest show of vulnerability only you ever saw.

"I get it. Why you want to leave. I've been... distracted. Caught up with other things - a whole new life. And I forgot, I brought you into this with me. I put you in danger, wether or not you know it, and proceeded to act as though you weren't there. I... understand if you want to leave me-"

"I did leave you"

"Let me finish" he takes another breath. "I don't want you to leave. Maybe it's selfish, but I don't care, I just can't let you go. After everything"

"But you can't just keep me around here waiting for when you finally decide you want to show up! I can't wait for you forever Osamu"

"I know that..."

"We rarely spend time together, and when we do it's only because I asked and you remembered I exist. I can't deal with it, it just feels like... your leaving me behind too, like the Mafia"

He didn't know what to say, for once, he was speechless, but he knew he had to come up with something, anything to get you to stay.

"I... love you, please..."

You could feel the tears in your eyes, spilling over. You had to hold it in, but couldn't.

"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I promise, just give me a chance and I'll make it better, I'll see you more, I'll pay more attention, anything you want, just tell me, and I'll be there"

Forming words was hard, all you could do was nod and move in to hug him. You loved this man with your whole heart, and you truly believed he loves you too. Even if he slipped up, you don't think those feelings ever did leave.

For that reason alone, you were happy to give him another chance.

-----

He did improve, of course he did. After your... tearful conversation, you let him into your apartment, anabdoning your previous plans.

And it got better. He spent more time with you, and a year later you moved in together.

_________________________________________

Never thought I was one for writing happy endings. Oh well

@biromanticboba

[kyouka-supremacy]

I was asked why I like Beast and why I prefer it over the main universe, so obviously I ended up with a 2k+ words essay on why Beast is great. Now I feel like it diverges too much from what the original ask was actually asking for, so I'm leaving it to its own post. Enjoy.

Why do you like Beast? So, first of all you MUST know that this is a question that could keep me talking for days to no end. I'm not kidding. Here there will be some disorganized rambles but trust me, if I had time to actually do so I'd keep going on forever.

Alternative universes are cool I love Beast. I think it starts off at a point when the bsd author was more experienced from having already worked with the main series for many years, and ultimately ended up making an alternative version of the work that is more mature and refined, while still maintaining bsd's core themes (and conservative worldviews at that lmao). Starting off, the “what if” concept is endlessly fascinating, pretty much the entire fandom culture is based on it. It IS unfailingly cool to see what could have happened if Akutagawa sided with the ada and Atsushi with the pm, it is extremely interesting to see what changes out of their personalities and on the other hand what stays the same, what is intrinsically them. About sskk, I find it really compelling how Beast tackles intimate aspects of their lives, pasts and traumas. The café scene is genuinely brilliant in the way it shows, completely unexpectedly and to the reader's full disbelief, them getting along in normal circumstances. Who could have predicted that! Of all things, Akutagawa and Atsushi getting along. But it happened, and nothing before had ever shown to that extent how similar they are, how much on the same page they are, how much they're meant to be– like yeah obviously I mean romantically, but even if you're not particularly into that, it displayed just how deeply connected they are. I'm forever grateful for that scene.

Beast Akutagawa is great But I think… More in general, I just really like Beast Akutagawa and Beast Atsushi, even better than their canon counterparts 😅 Again I do think at the point when they wrote Beast the author had already gathered a lot of experience from serializing bsd for at least five years, and ended up making characters that are more solid and compelling (although please don't get me wrong, I LOVE canon sskk and I believe canon Akutagawa's character arc in particular is amazing. It's just that at least to me Beast sskk is everything I could ever ask for.) I love Beast Akutagawa! It was so so capturing to see him grow outside of the pm. And especially it was infinitely interesting to see Akutagawa grow outside of Dazai. And don't get me wrong, I love the influence Dazai has on canon Akutagawa, I wouldn't have it any other way: it made Akutagawa who he is, and I love reading about his character. But I also found it wonderful and pleasantly refreshing to see how he would be if he had never undergone Dazai's training; I like this Akutagawa who's possibly even more immature and impulsive, wild and untamed than his canon counterpart. Beast is also the universe where Akutagawa gets his chance at being a good person - which is something he desperately strived for but never got to have in the main universe -, and in the end I am a little attached to Akutagawa, so I'm happy for him! His relationship with Oda and the whole ada are wonderful, I like getting to experience a universe where Akutagawa is loved and supported, unapologetically, for who he is.

Beast Atsushi is great Beast Atsushi is AMAZING. Like. Character molded appositely to my liking ahah. He's so cool! He's so tormented! He's sweet and cruel and utterly unstable! I love him so much. He truly is Atsushi at his full potential. I love this Atsushi who's biggest fear isn't the world, but rather himself. He's beautiful and horrible and deathly and kind. He killed his abuser to stop him from haunting his nightmares, but ended up turning those nightmares into his life. He takes his coffee with three sugars. He loves his little sister and would risk the safety of his organization and the boss he's endlessly loyal to for her. The only person who ever understood him is his most loathed enemy. He's one with death and indistinguishable from darkness. His laughter stops rain. He lives in perpetual physical pain due to a choker constantly piercing around his neck and yet even that is nothing compared to the damage of his psyche. He's so, so fucked up. He deserves the world. I LOVE HIM.

Beast Dazai is great Also, I really like Beast Dazai!!! He's always Dazai, but I think his character works out a lot better in Beast for the role he covers. In canon Dazai is this omniscient, all knowing figure, but he's also a protagonist, and him being so perfectly flawless doesn't go well in the long run. You've seen it in the last season 5 episode, it just gets boring after a while– it would be nice to see him face actual challenges and high stakes for once, but he's so overpowered, that never happens. In Beast, it's pretty much the same deal (author really loves Dazai lmao), but the fact that he isn't the protagonist and instead the main villain? I feel like from a storytelling standpoint, it works so much better!! I mean, his being omniscient works a lot better– he's not the one who the reader expects facing challenges and high stakes, the protagonist is. In addition, in Beast Dazai has almost universal knowledge due to his link to the Book, so that makes his being omniscient and even god-like a lot more feasible and easy to contemplate! I think that plot-wise it just works a lot better, there's an actual reason he's so overpowered, and that reason is explained, it's in the text. Oh and I LOVE his utter devotion to Oda. I know it's the same in canon, but still… There in Beast you can see it concretely, you can see it everywhere. That very universe exists how it is because of Dazai's love for Oda, because there's nothing he wouldn't do for him, because in the whole universe, in the whole multiverse, Oda's happiness is the only thing that matters to him. I think such strong feelings of love being put so explicitly is something simply wonderful to read, and makes Dazai infinitely more sympathetic than what he may be in canon. “But I do have one regret, Odasaku— I won't be able to read the novel you'll complete one day.” LIKE YEAH, SURE, ALRIGHT, JUST SHOOT ME TO THE HEAD ALREADY. That line alone is worth the whole novel, honestly. Oh and the thing about Oda harshly repudiating Dazai, the man who literally did everything for him, who dedicated his whole life for him… Man!!! That REALLY made me sympathize with Dazai in a way canon will never be able to. All those factors only contribute making Dazai's suicide in the end all the more emotional– which I believe works really well in the story, he is an enemy and he is a god and he had to die, but still makes for an extremely emotionally charged scene and a wonderful story climax. Imo Beast Dazai had to die so that canon Dazai could live (and, hopefully, find a reason to live!), and it's as bitter as it is beautiful.

The Beast ada dynamics are great And I love the ada in Beast!!! They feel infinitely more of a family than they do in canon. Kenji, Kunikida, Tanizaki, they all seem to love Akutagawa in a way that's hard to be found towards Atsushi in canon? The way they didn't falter to rescue Akutagawa even as he went, against all their advices and pleas, to a suicidal rampage was wonderful and heartwarming. They make it sound unbelievable that when Atsushi was (mind you, unwillingly) kidnapped their first response would be that it was an hassle and that he should have dealt with it on his own (this time I truly believe it was the author learning from their own mistakes, because seriously, who does that. It makes everyone instantly feel a thousand times less sympathetic). As people have said, the ada alone makes Beast feel like the “right” universe on the basis that in it they actually care about their members. All things considered, the ada treats Akutagawa as this kind of rabid murderous gremlin they just adopted who's going to bite everyone but that they still love no matter what, and it's super cute. Beast ada really is the bsd found family if there ever was one.

A cool plot The Beast storyline is just very compelling in general? The introduction chapter is amazing, I mean, The Heartless Cur is amazing. Again, Beast Akutagawa is such a great character, and the description of his struggle to find his own humanity, although in my opinion does fall weak in some points and has flaws, still treats a concept that's very interesting to ponder over nonetheless. I like how there's a series of more light-hearted chapters in the first half, it helps solidify the characters, and those chapters are really nice to read; not to mention having lighter chapters alternated with the strikingly more gloomy and violent pm Atsushi scenes makes the latter feel all the more frightening and disturbing, it's a great narrative choice. And the big crescendo of Akutagawa storming in the pm headquarters! His fight of physics and morals against Atsushi! Them telling each other they're nothing like the other when the reader knows the exact opposite is true! It's all very good, and again, Dazai's suicide makes for a perfect climax to the story.

Sometimes being a seinen can be good I like how Beast is a seinen way more than the main story is? Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with shounen manga - which bsd seems to lean towards more often than not, with only occasionally tackling more adult concepts -, but at this specific time in my life those darker themes are just something I find more entertaining to read about. I feel like the gritty and often gruesome depictions, although maybe a little overused in the manga, really help emphasize the dark atmosphere of the manga and overall effectively convey the whole “beast” imaginary as wild / violent / unpleasant / animalistic.

It's got sskk in it And in general it's just… Compared to canon, Beast is very very sskk centered. It's significantly shorter than the canon manga, and in a way that helped focus on sskk specifically, because it only had space to narrate one story, which is sskk's. And I don't know what to tell you, I'm here for the sskk. Of course I like Beast best.

Beast Atsushi is great (cont.) Back to Beast Atsushi because he's everything, really. I love how when I went into Beast I was like “I mean, whatever Dazai is making of Atsushi under the pm, if can't possibly be any worse than the constant abuse Akutagawa had to experience 😊” AND I WAS PROVED WRONG. I mean, I think the fact alone that the author could come up with something worse is remarkable. Dazai's emotional manipulation and psychological torment is, I believe, the darkest facet of Dazai we ever witnessed, and it's extremely well executed. Beast Atsushi is so so unstable, so on the brim of mental breakdown and psychosis at every second. Him being made unable to let go of the past makes him live in a perpetual nightmare. And I feel like the way his character story is unwrapped is truly masterful, storytelling wise!!!! On the reader's first encounter with him, it's evident how deeply scarred and disturbed he is, but the reader can't tell why. That adds to the mystery and feeling of unsettling surrounding the character: his story is wrapped up by darkness and it's impossible to predict, just like he is– and it's deliciously unsettling, scary, to be unable to tell anything about what made him like he is except from guessing that it must have been something really bad. And yet even then /nothing/ could have prepared the reader to what his backstory really is? And when the traumatic event is finally unveiled, it's worse then any guess the reader could have made. Atsushi's back to the orphanage flashback passage is terrifying! He didn't undergo any harm, like it would have been easy to guess; on the contrary, his torment stems from having killed his abuser. But he did so at a point when he didn't represent a threat for him anymore, when he was proud of him, when he got close to resemble a father to his eyes; and all of this he realized too late; and now he lives in constant regret, constant terror of himself. It's great, really! And even then, Atsushi carries on with being. super cool lmao. Like yeah he's unstable and everything, he's wild and violent, but he's also still very kind. He's timid and blushes easily. He also feels a lot more mature than he does in canon, and it's nice to see. He's more confident and serious, and that's nice too. He REALLY is my favorite character.

Some pretty cool scenes are in it Moving on, Beast has some truly amazing scenes. The Heartless Cur is amazing and builds up such an awesome character, Atsushi's introduction is petrifying, the Kenji / Akutagawa conversation is as deeply moving as it is cathartic. I won't be talking about the sskk café scene. Akutagawa's whole assault to the pm headquarters is rich of emotional scenes. I already talked about Atsushi's flashback and Dazai's suicide being wonderful passages both from technical and emotional standpoints. And the manga ending is just so good!!!!!!! Like it truly is the perfect ending– the way it ties up with the main story! How it feels like ada Akutagawa's story has just begun, a conclusion but also hope for what's to come. The “out behind our company's building there are some people of low character hanging about”– I can't stress enough how emotional this line, a final and definite tie to the main story, makes me, how meaningful it is in its quality of being both an ending, and a beginning. The last page showing Akutagawa at the center of the ada, it just moves me so deeply to see him being the protagonist, surrounded by a crowd of people who love and support him, getting his own chance at a life in the light 😭😭😭 “I'm going to live as an agency member. I'll solve cases, rescue the weak, and prove that I'm not evil.” Crying my eyes out 😭😭😭😭😭😭 And don't get me started on when Akutagawa and Atsushi's voices mix up to speak as one; I could never hope to be able to express what that makes me feel.

Siblings dynamics are my jam I also love Beast because one of the main aspects that drives the plot is Ryuunosuke and Gin's relationship, and I /love/ siblings relationships, and I //love// Ryuunosuke and Gin's relationship. I don't think Gin's character was written well at all (because the author literally can't write female characters for the life of theirs), but eh, at least it reinforced the concept that Ryuunosuke loves Gin terribly and would be able to do anything for her. Atsushi and Kyouka's relationship, too, is to die for.

The designs and manga art style slay Besides, the character designs are beautiful???? Akutagawa's Beast outfit is my second favorite out of the whole franchise, it's just such a look™. I love in general how rabid and messy Akutagawa looks in Beast, he feels so much more free? And like, good for him. In my head Beast Atsushi is the most handsome man in the entire franchise and I don't think I can take criticism on this. I find cutting off his longer bang such a witty way to represent not only how this Atsushi is different from the one we know (after all, that's the most remarkable and eye-catching feature of his appearance!), but also to symbolize how the cut with his past at the orphanage was harsh and violent. Characters designs aside, Hoshikawa's art style is GORGEUS. It's hard and rough and messy, it's dark and unpolished and violent and beautiful and exactly everything Beast is. It's PERFECT for the story, it's like it was made to portray it.

Sskk is always great And that's just talking about the canon content but like. Beast means a Beast sskk. Which is basically new and improved sskk. And I like sskk. And I like every version of sskk but especially this version where they're even more violent and fucked up and madly in love with each other and evidently meant to be. So yeah.

And this is like, just the very tip of the iceberg of what I love about Beast. Humbling offering you this Beast love letter in hope we can all give this novel the appreciation it deserves (๑˃‌ᴗ˂‌)۶

[caldera1000-7]

Upcoming looong post about analyzing Akutagawa's character song (even though it was made around over 7 years ago I will incorporate things into the arcs after then by a bit but not entirely since his mindset back then was different too but its interesting either way.) Here I will just send a few images that seem to fit with the song.

Somehow Kensho Ono (Akutagawa's Japanese Voice Actor) managed to make the song sound dark, but also strangely...peaceful? But also throughout the song somehow powerful aswell, I think it fits Akutagawa's willpower and how he finds something to drive him forward no matter what, despite his illness, despite his "weakness", he always will push through for a goal, to give meaning to his life, or even to die in peace knowing he's received the words he worked and suffered years just to hear from someone who betrayed/escaped the very organisation he brought Akutagawa to, while possibly seeing himself back then in the PM in Akutagawa and still leaving him there without a word and without even fulfilling the promise of helping him to have a meaningful life or even giving him the words he hoped to hear. Now it makes sense and all later on or after that how Dazai keeps him at an arms length while Dazai is at the ADA and using both Akutagawa and Atsushi in his plans and to make them develop off of each other and some people had the view Akutagawa would just kill himself after Dazai gave him recognition saying its the reason Akutagawa lives but I don't think so.... More like if he were to die he'd die in peace, and probably latch onto something else to work toward as he tries to understand life and the people in it. In the song he mentions a longing as strong as a reason to live it doesn't show or say that Dazais recognition/praise IS his reason to live but its a desire so strong of his that has just been fueled with Dazai calling Atsushi better than him that it might aswell be.

People tend to forget Akutagawa quite hated (Probably still does or dislikes him for things) and wanted to first kill everyone close to him for being a traitor then kill Dazai with physical force if you remember what was all said in this scene thats often overlooked for Akutagawa snapping at Dazai calling his new boy better than him and causing Akutagawa to actually fixate on Atsushi or being better than him and getting strong enough to get what Atsushi gets from Dazai with minimal effort which Akutagawa spend his whole life working for.

And how Akutagawa even after Dazai once said he's gotten "stronger" still couldn't "move forward" until he kills Atsushi. This weak boy who was seemingly just granted everything, a different outcome of the same harmed boy in a way. And a flipped mirror image of Akutagawa. Which is why Akutagawa understanding Atsushi and others really would shape his view on the world, and theres a post I look forward to making in the future talking about how Akutagawas views on Atsushi would also impact his own views on himself. If he still considered himself weak and after learning to value the life of the weak he learned have no place in the world or right to breathe (he was threatened to be sent back to the slums whenever he didn't do things the way they were supposed to be done.)

I'll never get over Atsushi's assumptions as well as many other characters' assumptions of him... But it is true he kills whomever is in front of him if they're in his way. I guess its part of him discovering true strength isn't through his ability but has to be through his heart aswell.

Anyways those are a few images and some things I felt like saying before finishing and posting the very long Analysis. I have many ideas and things to talk about with Akutagawa even after that....

[lightreader1]

Fanfic idea  - Yokai au

Prompt: Atsushi is the pretty princess in distress

Actual idea- So essentially this is an au where the world is filled with mystical creatures fighting for land, power, and status. Think of a more magical edo Japan where life kinda sucks to be a human and yokai try to fight/claim territory so they can have humans give them tributes so they won’t destroy them. Some yokai want booze, others jewels, and others humans (sometimes to eat, marry, or just keep around as servant). 

Atsushi is of course the odd one out of his village because of his eyes and hair. People in general treat him like crap because they believe he has some demonic heritage so of course they think to use him as a sacrifice for the yokai that rules their land. (AKA: they are jealous and believe his hair and eyes are some sort of witchcraft.)

(Maybe Atsushi has some rare demon heritage maybe not. Personally I just love the idea of Atsushi just being a super pretty feminine dude who people refuse to believe is human cause of his looks.) Anyways the villagers offer up Atsushi to get slaughtered or possibly enslaved by the demon in charge of their region but instead of getting sacrificed to the yokai  Dazai (a nine tailed fox demon because of course) tricks the villagers and snatches Atsushi away instead. I imagine Dazai just transforms to look like the boss demon and takes Atsushi.

And honestly I have so many thoughts on what could be the reason why Dazai does this. 

Perhaps Dazai thought Atsushi was just a really pretty lady?

Perhaps he just wanted to piss the boss demon off?

Perhaps Atsushi gained his favor at some-point in life and decided that villagers deserved to be destroyed after abusing his favorite little human?

Honestly so many possibilities. 

In any case Dazai basically plays a huge game of keep away with Atsushi as the prize and they travel all around Japan while the Boss demon hunts after them because their pride demands they get Atsushi back.

I like to go on these lines of thoughts while also imagining who the Boss demon could be.

Like if its Shibusawa (who is a Dragon of course) was the boss demon that could make a great story cause he’s such a great antagonist.  

But personally I find the idea of Chuuya (who is an Oni) being the boss demon, because that would be more hilarious. 

I’m just imagining how Chuuya was supposed to get Atsushi and thus tries to hunt Dazai and kick his ass because his pride demands it. Because while he would have originally preferred booze as his tribute he just can’t let that bastard of a fox steal from him!

And then Chuuya actually see’s Atsushi and wants him even more.

Because by demon standards Atsushi is like a stupidly rare basically impossible to find Shiny Pokemon, he looks like demon but is human WTF!!!!

Both Dazai and Chuuya know it but Atsushi is just tired of their bullshit.

I mean I could imagine the interaction between the three going something like this: 

 Chuuya: Oi you shitty bastard what do you think your doing! That human is mine! 

(Dazai smirks and drapes himself over a confused and kinda scared Atsushi) 

Dazai: Ah but I got Atsushi-kun first, you shouldn’t have been so slow to claim your tributes slug.

(Dazai nuzzles his cheek against Atsushi's like an overly affectionate cat before giving Chuuya a malicious smile)

Dazai: He’s mine now. 

(Chuuya who looks sufficiently pissed stomps forward and looks up at that stupid fox)

Chuuya: Oh screw you, you fish eyes towl rag! The human is mine so I’m taking him where he belongs! 

(Chuuya tries to grab Atsushi's wrist but one of Dazai's tails stop him)

Dazai: Oh I’d love to see you try you child sized ogre! 

(Dazai pushes Atsushi behind him, and poor Atsushi looks nervous but also a little annoyed)

Atsushi: Do I get a say in this? 

Dazai & Chuuya: No! And poor Atsushi is just watching these two powerful creatures fight over him like starving animals wanting a meal. So he takes a deep breath and leaves to the nearest village to take a break from their bullshit.

[starlostlix]

BSD 121.5 SPOILERS BELOW!!

So I want to talk about the new chapter because what the actual fuck.

So first of all.... THIS

Atsushi doing this callback with that gaze is insane, and akutagawa's reaction shows he's losing the idgaf war. They're finally realising how much they mean to one another and it's so important, but MORE IMPORTANTLY...

AKUTAGAWA'S EYES ARE FULL OF LIGHT

HIS. EYES. ARE. ALIGHT.

It's not just a bit of light. ITS FULLY LIGHT!!!

This is so important for Akutagawa ong. I don't want to take up too much time with this though because there's a LOT to talk about.

First, the design of ameno-gozen's realm, the fourth dimension. I LOVE IT! It's so mysterious and looks kind of glitchy which is perfect for this vibe. Dazai explains that most people can't see anything here so Atsushi's limited visibility with this art style works well.

So basically this dimension is where the past present and future intersect 'orthogonally' (I had to search this up, it means 'at right angles') and all of time is 'folded upon itself'. Atsushi now, as the only one who can see anything in this dimension, is now able to technically access parts of the past and future at once (my theory is that Byakko has some relation to the fourth dimension, perhaps being created within or being something similar to Gozen). Also note that in the 3rd image 'Dazai' is able to hear Atsushi's thoughts (strengthening the idea id seen of this being Byakko speaking through a visual hallucination of Dazai, especially when this dazai insinuates that it is not him that knows these things but Atsushi himself). Interesting what 'dazai' says about the speed of sound in this dimension basically means it's a lot slower here. Also apparently the mission is to find the 'core' of the divine being here and (i assume) destroy it? No clue how that SSKK fight from the end of the anime is supposed to play out like that but I will see how this goes.

So interestingly everyone else who has been struck by the Amenogozen sword has become stuck in this dimension unaware of what/where they are, and don't have the awareness that Atsushi has (main character moment). Essentially the infinite past and future versions of themselves are 'folding' onto one another (I don't quite know what this specifically means, but I imagine it like Jayce, Ekko and Heimerdinger in the hexcore room in Arcane s2 ep3). But now, since Atsushi is conscious, Atsushi has access to the past and future in this space (leading to the possibility of a lore dump to end all lore dumps next chapter, hopefully about Fyodor's backstory/plan) and he has to choose which way to go to find the information he needs. 'Dazai' tells him to 'feel strongly' as 'that's what you do when you want to experience the past' - and I feel that is such an interesting way of thinking about it in this series. Atsushi himself has suffered from PTSD (as have many characters) and often strong feelings can link to the traumas they possess, but it's not just negative feelings. A lot of characters also have positive memories from strong feelings, including their strong feelings about protecting others as Yokohama's defenders of sorts, and forming bonds with others in that process created the ADA as we know it. I don't really know how else to talk about it but I think it's a really interesting thematic line. Asagiri has some really cool writing.

Honestly this chapter is so cool and I can't wait to see where the series goes with this! My personal theory for next chapter is Atsushi finding the way to the past and we get essentially a lore dump. I think it will be Fyodor's backstory wherein Atsushi's view is spliced with comatose Sigma going through the information he got from his ability and stumbling upon the same information/memories as Atsushi is (also perhaps to cement the parallels between the two like Dazai talked about!).

[3spurrrr]

Okay I rewatched bsd, here are my thoughts :)

- I had read the manga too but that was a while ago. I still love how the anime adapts the manga and how it doesn't completely go off doing its own thing etc. I also feel like the anime increases the og pacing of the manga and I find that cunt!

- I have to say that the intelligence aspect of the characters is so outlandishly written. It's incredibly illogical and even for manga anime world, unrealistic. It makes sense for them to be smart but it doesn't make sense how they do what they do. It's not really explained at all. With the hunting dogs its at least somewhat explained why they are so OP, but with fyodor or dazai, we get zero Intel on their thought process.

A perfect example of a really well written realistic intelligent character would be L and light from death note. Their strategy is always somewhat or outright clear and it makes it fun for the viewer because they feel like a part of the team and not some third wheel. We can somewhat "relate" and sympathize etc.

Here. I wouldn't care about their beef if it didn't directly affect the ADA.

But im not sure how believable the author wants the story to be in the first place.. after all... he IS a kafka fan and you can expect a lot of fundamental vagueness disguised in a slew of allegedly meaningful metaphors from those guys.

I'm starting to believe that dazai and fyodor are actually so incredibly stupid it paradoxes into intelligence... I mean... fyodor definitely is morally demented but dazai is just... bro idk what the fuck he is and I don't care to be honest. All he wanted to do was die and somehow ended up in the mafia. But his suicidalness and how it's handeled and how it functions or dysfunctions in the plot, is a topic for a different conversation.

All I can say is: never make your characters OP in too many things. The plot is predictable and by now I just anticipate both of them to constantly outsmart each other and you know what? It happens all the fucking time.

I wouldn't be surprised if dazai ended up victorious or fyodor or if they both died or lived. Anything is possible with them and that is not good writing. You want the reader to believe that there is only one or two outcomes and then BOOM you smack them across the face with a really nice plot twist. All of the plot twists concerning the two are predictable in a way where you know one is coming but now how exactly it will happen.

Sooo unfortunate since they are the main people who move the plot forward. It's sad that the writer chose to go with the lame trope of "I have a backup plan for my backup plan for my backup plan" or "I knew that you knew that I knew that you knew that I knew"

The only thing keeping me going is the art style, the odd charm and i just have an enormous crush on fyodor and a soft spot for sigma and atsushi.

[akutasoda]

hiii!! Have you heard of the song ‘Dial Drunk’? It’s becoming my comfort song so-

reader who uses alcohol to cope and will just randomly call them crying asking to be taken back? Even if they’re still in a relationship? I’d say it’s because reader might see them as someone from a past relationship cause reader can’t get over them yet?

(with Dazai, chuuya, atsushi, Fyodor, and kunikida? + anyone you want!)

-🌀Anon!

blank memories

synopsis - feelings are strange and often become more prominent in certain circumstances

includes - atsushi, dazai, kunikida, chuuya, fyodor

warnings - gn!reader, angst, slight comfort, quite heavy, alcohol, mention of underage drinking, fyodor being horrible with emotions, wc - 720

atsushi nakajima ★↷

as someone who only wants the best for his partner, would be absolutely so sad to see you in such a state. but seeing the fact that you're with him would probably mean your close to his age - so that would be even worse for him to see.

and getting any kind of phone call from you and seeing you so upset would mean he's dropping everything he was doing and going straight to you to comfort you.

would want nothing more than to help you and maybe get you out of using alcohol to cope, telling you that he would always be there to help and support you in whatever way you wanted

no matter the reason he would try his absolute hardest to help you. afterall he believes you deserve everything and seeing you like that breaks his heart.

osamu dazai ★↷

a man who personally and very id very much ashamed of it, but had turned to the bottle a couple of times when feeling particularly low. but that all changed when he had met you, you finally gave him a reason to attempt to crawl out of his bad habits.

but throughout the relationship he could tell something was slightly off but respected your privacy and wouldn't pry.

but when he found out about your habit it pained him deeply as he knew all to painfully what you were feeling. to receive a phone call from the one of the only people who bring him happiness sounding so distraught made his heart ache.

he would want nothing to comfort you in times of need but unfortunately he was never all too good eith his own feelings, let alone another persons. but he'd be damned if he didn't try and help you in the ways you've helped him. whatever the reason for you to turn to the bottle he would try his best to help you.

doppo kunikida ★↷

would only ever touch a bottle of alcohol in celebration or, very rarely, in times of desperation. although he heavily strays from the second as he knows how bad it is and wants to avoid it at all costs.

receiving that drunken call from you did nothing but break his heart even if you two were still together. would try and comfort you in whatever way possible and whatever the reason that you told him he would still offer nothing but support.

wouldn't openly tell you how much he hated your way of coping but would try and slowly gett you to stop and find another way around, with your consent of course.

chuuya nakahara ★↷

yet another who is no stranger to turning to the bottle in his darkest times. sure he does openly drink but it is never in serious amounts unless its really rough. and he knows, and he's not proud of it.

so receiving that phone call from you in the middle if the night, he couldn't help but feel himself be nearly brought to tears at your drunken, distraught cry to be taken back despite nothing between you two being off. what made it even more painful for him was knowing exactly how you felt.

now he knew he wasn't one to criticise your habits but maybe you two could figure it out, get both if you off the habit and do nothing but be there for each other. whatever the reason for your habit he would listen and offer his most heartfelt advice.

fyodor dostoevsky ★↷

someone who would rarely even think about touching a bottle of alcohol. not only does he just hate the idea but he hasn't really got a healthy body. so alcohol normally is out of the question for him.

but that's mainly because he isn't a fan of it, so seeing you resort to something like that msde him feel something he didn't want to feel. and receiving that phone call definitely didn't help. wouldn't immediately comfort you because he's kind of hopeless in that area.

but would talk about it with you later, once you sobered up and agreed to talk about it. would try to support you, again he's not that good with emotions but tries his hardest for you and hates to see you resort to alcohol and really wants to get you to find a new way if coping. a better one.

[starlightshadowsworld]

In the manga (as far as I have read) it shows Fukuchi only fighting Were-Wolves.

No other Were-Creature in sight or heard off besides Atsushi being a Were-Tiger.

Do you ever wonder what Fukuchi’s thought were when he first heard about the tiger? Like do you think he went ‘did those scientists try and create a were-zoo?!’ Or ‘did I forget to kill one and it turned into a tiger!?’

Like what are you ideas?

PS where did the idea of Were-creature come from or was that just a translation error?

So I went back and checked.

In the subbed anime (season 5 episode 2) they say he fought werecreature experiments. But in the manga (chapter 82) they say he fought ‘skill based “werewolf” test subjects.’

It could be a translation error but the double quotes could suggest they were like werewolves but weren’t actually werewolves hence werecreatures.

But I’m not sure.

Regardless the implications are huge. Atsushi is the only weretiger, hell werecreature in general we ever hear about.

I’ve often thought that maybe the reason Fukuchi knew so much about Atsushi’s ability during their conversation on the boat prior to fighting him.

Was because Fukuchi had fought beings like him before. Though there could be other explanations for that.

The idea of it being solely werewolves and Atsushi is thus an enigma and a creature that Fukuchi has encountered. Is not one I’ve considered but that’s really interesting.

I mean we know Atsushi’s ability is rather unique. He’s called the antithesis of all special abilities and is connected to the book.

Could be a Deadpool situation where others tried to replicate the tigers ability through their own experiments which resulted in these werewolves or other werecreatures.

Though I now have the image of silly goofy Fukuchi getting absolutely plastered the evening of the massacre and waking up one morning like..I think I got them? Yeah yeah I got em I pfft I’m Fukuchi Ouchi I know I got them.

And then learns about the weretiger joining the Agency and is just like…FUCK!

And that’s even if Atsushi is connected to these experiments to begin with. Because we really don’t know.

I mean we’re told Atsushi’s parents abused him so bad that the headmaster considered his methods not even counting as abuse. And well experimenting on a child from infancy…yeah that’d do it.

There’s a lot of paths this could take.

Also begs the question why Fukuchi was sent to another country (Republic of Kenya) to kill hundreds of thousands of experiments in the first place.

Why is this man the one we send out for dealing with supernatural threats? First the vampires now this.

Oh who am I kidding its because of that fucking sword isn’t it?

The special abilities division did know about the book. Perhaps in an event to keep it hidden they tried to eliminate these experiments to stop people from going after it.

Which if we’re going solely by werewolves only does make the concept of oh fuck it was a tiger so much funnier.

And it is never explicitly said that Fukuchi killed them all, just that he killed a lot.

And Fukuchi’s fucking old so like who knows when that massacre took place. Like Atsushi could’ve come about a lot later. Fukuchi’s just busting down the doors like now they’ve made a zoo?!

It does make me wonder that if the tiger had been known to be an ability user to the public if Fukuchi would’ve been deployed to Yokohama to take out Atsushi.

The Agency are known for taking cases the police can’t handle so even with a seemingly normal tiger things were difficult.

Maybe that’s why no one considered it was an ability user because no one had ever heard of a weretiger before.

I could go on about this all day there’s so many possibilities.

[doctorweebmd]

Hello! First of all you are insanely talented and your writing lives for free in my head and has probs rewired my brain on some level. Like it's that good tasty soul destroying gut wrenching all encompassing art that physically hurts that it's just concepts and not something you can like squeeze to pieces in your arms, how is it possible to feel all these emotions, ouch in the very best way art (I hope this makes sense lol) Secondly, I wanted to ask what your process is for ideating longer stories from start to finish? Cause they're always so layered and impressive like how do you keep track of everything. How do you weave it all together like that. It's so satisfying to see as a reader but what's it like inside your mind, can you give us a little peek (as a treat)? Thank you for your service❤️

Oh anon you are too kind i could cry seriously seriously seriously it means a lot to me. like, i dont even have words. thank you for taking the time to send this and make me feel like a human being that exists and that those words matter, even a little!

I've actually been thinking about how to answer this question for a hot minute, so apologies for how long this ends up being...

Anyway, click below for an exclusive look at ~*~my twisted mind~*~

I joke, of course. (ish.)

Regarding writing my longer fics... over the years, they HAVE become much more clean and organized and I have tried to at least keep to a central theme, so here is my sincere answer...

Think Yes, AND. All writing is improv. To me.

You come up with an idea. Think about how that idea can work, or how it can be possible within canon. Then explain that idea. Then explain THAT idea. A very bare-bones outline can help with predicting length and help you arrange ideas to assist with telling the story you want to tell.

For example:

First, we start with an idea. The overarching idea that you want to explore in a story. For Zero-Sum it was 'what if when Deku left UA and never came back and Katsuki went a little crazy looking for him?' For tptp it was 'what if Akutagawa got abducted and Atsushi went to rescue him?'

From there, extrapolate, extrapolate, extrapolate!

For me, I make incredibly vague outlines. It helps get an idea of what I want to accomplish in between 'core' parts or scenes. And when I say vague i mean, like, vague. Just put ideas down. Quotes you like. Potential events. Nothing is set in stone. Like, this is a copy of one of the earlier iterations of TPTP -

This part is where worldbuilding and thus the story really starts to develop. The nice part about writing fanfic is you're working in a defined framework, so there's many jumping off points. A particularly fun one is trying to explain canon and filling the plot-holes that are so so ardently bothering you. Researching anything and everything behind the canon itself, how it relates to the real world, how you can make sense of it always spurs ideas.

ANYWAY here are some thoughts that have kept me writing when I want to rip all my hair out and throw myself into a bottomless pit because, well, the only thing worse than writing is not writing. and also the horrors.

1.) If you build it, they will come - wow, it definitely feels super discouraging when you're writing a long fic and no one seems to be reading it. But, remember, you are writing the story YOU want to write. Many readers don't read incomplete works. Others only comment on last chapters. Others are just silent but love it anyway. Long-fics require a lot of internal motivation and love but it is always always worth it!

2.) Kill your darlings - oftentimes, if you're stuck making a chapter/passage work and you just can't, its the passage's fault. a lot of the times just deleting it can help gain some clarity of mind.

2.5.) Save your darlings - When I delete things, I usually either add them to the end of the fic or a whole new document. This is relatively new advice that I've started following and its definitely helpful!

3.) trust the process - goddamn it. you can't force it. you really can't. sometimes you have to sleep on it. think about things in your car. reread it and want to rip your hair out. the solution will come to you. IT ALWAYS DOES. trust yourself. this is your story. sometimes you just need to give it time.

4.) I will not explain my art to the stupidest people alive - there are always always ALWAYS going to be people that misunderstand you. no matter what you write, draw, create, how you speak, how you present yourself, there is someone who will misinterpret and shit all over it and there's nothing you can do about it. and when its something as vulnerable as writing, it might be compelling to overexplain yourself. DONT. do not dumb yourself down to appeal to people who dont give a shit about your art anyway. its not worth the effort.

5.) better done than perfect - one of the reasons i now post on ao3 as i'm writing. if you're a perfectionist like me, no matter how many times you edit something, it will never ever ever EVER meet ideal standards. it won't ever sound like you didn't write it. the nice thing is, this is fanfiction. you can write whatever the fuck you want, be it with too many adverbs and run on sentences or whatever. it doesn't NEED to be pristine. it doesn't NEED to be clean. this ain't the new york times bestseller or a world-wide tv show waiting to be critiqued. you will lose nothing by not making it an ideal. what it DOES need to be is DONE.

...

thank you again and i am sorry and hello :)

[zukkaoru]

aku sibs + "i wish i'd gotten to tell you"

tachigin + "i really am sorry"

gincott + "wait, please just listen"

smiles so sweetly. here's your order of angst i hope u enjoy <3

“I wish I’d gotten to tell you,” Gin whispers, voice so soft it’s lost even on their own ears in the bitter winter wind. It’s not as if Ryuunosuke could offer a response regardless, and they’re not sure they believe his spirit is still around to listen.

They reach out a hand, fingers numb from the cold, to brush the snow from his gravestone. They trace the characters carved into it, spelling out his name, and beneath it, the birthday he gave himself when their friends in the slums asked. It’s followed by the day he died, the second time, at the hands of Ame-no-gozen.

Gin is grateful they were unaware of his resurrection until after he was already gone again. Losing him once was hard enough; they’re not sure they would have survived it a second time. It’s been three months now, and they still miss him so much they get sick with it. Their apartment is so empty without him, and there’s a vacant space left in the Mafia without him there, and with each new thing that happens in Gin’s life, they find themself turning to tell someone who is no longer there.

After encouragement from Higuchi and Atsushi, they finally started testosterone today.

They never even got a chance to come out to Ryuunosuke.

And they know—he would want them to carry on without him. He wouldn’t want them to stop their growth just to keep themself as the girl he left behind, just to keep themself recognizable to him, just in case there is an afterlife and they’ll get to see each other again someday. But…

This, too, feels like a second death of sorts. The death of the Gin that Ryuunosuke knew.

They’ll bury that girl here next to him, and hope it brings him peace wherever he is. If he’s anywhere at all.

They hope that will be enough comfort—for the both of them.

-

“I really am sorry,” Tachihara says, as if that means anything now. As if a simple sorry could make up for four years of lies. Gin doesn’t trust people often, and Tachihara knows that. He knows he was one of the few who they let see beneath the mask—who they let in completely, only for him to betray that trust in every way possible.

Gin says nothing. He doesn’t deserve their voice anymore.

“Gin—”

In a flash, they have a knife drawn and pressing against his throat. He stops talking immediately. It was too easy. He has a goddamn metal manipulation ability; why is he letting a blade so close to him? Surely he doesn’t need to be able to see in order to sense a knife, or a bullet, or anything metal that could kill him. He’d be useless if that’s the case.

They want to ask—Do you want to die?

But they already swore to remain silent, and…

they’re afraid the answer will be yes.

-

“Wait,” Louisa begs, “please just listen—”

But Gin has already turned on their heel and begun to walk away. Louisa knew she should have said something sooner, but when she realized Gin was entirely unaware of her affiliation with the Guild, it was just— It seemed too good to be true. Louisa wanted to exist somewhere where she could just be a normal girl, for once, and she had that with Gin, until—

She really screwed everything up.

It could have been fine, probably, if they were just casual acquaintances. It’s not as if Gin told Louisa they were part of the Port Mafia straight off the bat. But then they got closer, and Gin did come clean, and they invited her over to their apartment and introduced her to their brother and kissed her like they were starved for it. And Louisa just couldn’t risk losing that.

She watches Gin disappear into the crowd. She could chase after them but…

Who is she kidding? Gin made it clear that they’re done with her.

Just like with Lucy, just like with Margaret, Louisa’s fear wrapped its hands around her and cost her someone she just wanted to stay.

Maybe this is just her fate.

She waits, for a moment, half-hoping Gin will come back. But deep down, she knows that won’t be the case. She knows Gin made their choice, and it was one they had every right to make.

Louisa just isn’t the sort of person who is worth looking back for.

[truly-a-snitch]

May i request headcanons with ranpo and dazai with a s/o who has heterochromia and is insecure about it? Could be hurt/comfort or just straight up fluff :)

-🧛

ofc ofc !!! ty for the request ^_^

WARNINGS: none :3 this is straight up fluff ! i do hc these two as nd (dazai is autistic, ranpo is audhd) !!

---

dazai and ranpo with an s/o who has heterochromia and is insecure about it

dazai

dazai to me has always seemed like the type to not really care about appearances if he's looking for an actual relationship

like i know he's always like "i want to die with a beautiful woman" but if he's planning to LIVE with/for someone, the thing that gets him is their brain, so having heterochromia doesn't matter to him

(however comma he actually thinks its really pretty and makes sure to tell you at EVERY possible moment even if ur not feeling too bad abt it at the moment)

he definitely does some sappy ass bullshit like staring into your eyes whenever he can

i hc him as autistic but like the type that makes way too much eye contact so he sees your eyes a LOT

once he finds out that youre insecure about it he amps up how often he compliments your eyes like. tenfold

like to the point you would think he's making fun of you if he wasn't so genuinely sincere about it

"the way the light catches your eyes is simply gorgeous, darling" or some bullshit like that. homeboy is so silly

if you two live together, he makes so many passing comments about how happy he is that your eyes are the first thing he sees when he wakes up

(look at you, seducing him into healthier sleeping patterns with your eyes)

at the end of the day, dazai doesnt care about your appearance (though the fact that he thinks you are the most graceful creature to ever walk this earth certainly helped when he asked you out)

he makes sure to remind you at every opportunity that the things you perceive as 'flaws'- your eyes, notably- are beautiful to him ^_^

a pretty solid experience all in all ! this man is such a hopeless romantic emphasis on hopeless he will bust out the sappy poetry to make u laugh and cheer u up

ranpo

again, a man who i don't think cares about appearance all that much if only because he can read everybody so easily that appearances sort of become obsolete

i hc him as the kind of audhd that hates eye contact with a burning passion so he isnt into the whole 'staring into your eyes' thing the way dazai is

however comma he likes to hold stuff up to your face and compare it to your eyes if its the same color

(if you have blue in your eyes he holds up his ramune marbles but he makes do regardless of color)

i also hc him as having heterochromia (one eye green one eye brown) so if u have complete heterochromia hes like omg we match !!

he isnt insecure about his appearance because he isnt big about appearances i mean he walks around with that tie that clashes with his ENTIRE outfit he truly does not care. no fucks given. we love u king. anyway the point is hanging out with him and dating him is going to lead to a confidence spike on ur part bc hes so casual abt his own heterochromia

if he notices youre having a bad day- which he will lets be honest- he makes a passing comment about how pretty your eyes look to cheer you up and then goes back to his psp. might let u beat him at whatever hes playing to make u feel better too

since appearances arent super important to him he doesnt really comment on it that much unless he knows ur feeling particularly upset about it

when u feel down abt it tho he is lowk ur BIGGEST hype man like "look how cool my s/o is u guys"

bro even shares his snacks with you if youre feeling insecure (about anything tbh but especially abt ur appearance bc ur literally so cool ??)

if you have sectoral heterochromia he says u and atsushi r twinning frfr (forget armed detective agency this is the fucking. heterochromia detective agency) and if u have central heterochromia hes like oh hell yea we collected the whole set

all in all id say since i hc him as having heterochromia its a solid experience !! vvv supportive

[strawberry-skies-xx]

13, 20, & 22 for the fic asks! fic i choose for 22, of course, that fucked up girl <3 and the mori dazai fic w the matcha tea....both fics have me by. CHOKEHOLD

*walks in 2 days late w iced coffee* that reblog spree on your blog is bc i couldn't find the og post btw and i had the (naive) hope you didn't reblog shit at the speed i did

13. Do you prefer writing multi-chapter fics or single-part fics? Do you prefer reading multi-chapter fics or single-part fics?

i prefer reading AND writing multi-chapter fics, bc its so much fun to explore stuff. however. The Horrors. i can dream about writing a multi-chapter fic all i want but it doesnt mean ill ever finish it (rest in piece my fleabag fyozai fic that's infamous on my bsd server bc i never shut up about it. also the fyozai betrayal AU fic. pensive emoji.)

20. Which fic have you put the most work into? Which fic have you put the least work into?

you make miette search through 84 published works for this...

the fic i'd say i've done the most research on is this one (mafia Dazai training Akutagawa) but the fic i've put the most work into being really good and me liking it has to be this one. its not BSD, but its a character study of a guy from another fandom and his interest in death and passive suicidality. i spent 3 days postponing every single other obligation other than food and just sat in bed writing this. 4th day i did nothing but chores and then i didnt write anything else for a week lol

least work is hard bc i have a philosophy that i can do whatever i want forever so i Will just write something in an hour and post it with no research, all pure self-indulgence. but i'll use a fic i should have done research on: this one. i really should've planned that out better. idk if anyone still follows me for httyd or has read that fic of mine but i do plan on rewriting it someday

22. Have you used any symbolism in [insert fic]? What does it represent?

OH boy.

so. fucked-up girl fic actually doesn't Have much real symbolism, only a couple remarks on my headcanons for various things.

today he had to eat an apple whole because he could not pick up a knife-

this one is easy, referencing dazai's suicidality and the fact he is trying. just a slight reference to him actively changing/being unable to do something, and also his issues with food.

He starts targeting.

Dazai is very, very still.

Atsushi backtracks so fast that he stumbles over his words, forgetting entirely Dazai’s contradictory explanations,

little things about dazai's manipulation in everything. boy can't admit shit. he's very roundabout with admitting anything close to himself (why i hc fyodor is so good for him, because they can trade those vague references back and forth and understand each other) and a trait i assign to him is saying vulnerable things in as few words as possible. he doesn't explain stuff.

Dazai’s body aches, and he turns, walks over to his desk, sits down. His clothes constrict.

gender issues but also, as mentioned in my comment on your fic, i hc dazai just hates his body. he has to shower with the lights off sometimes, can get dressed without looking at himself once. he very much dislikes perceiving the fact he has a body.

The ADA thinks that they’re dating. Him and Yosano. 

not symbolism or a hc but this was the premise of the entire fic. the agency thinking dazai and yosano were dating when really dazai just had severe gender envy

“Zai.”

little hc! yosano specifically uses this nickname for dazai when affectionate. atsushi and kunikida don't use any actual nicknames derived from his name; chuuya uses this nickname sometimes; ranpo uses this nickname somewhere between chuuya and yosano bc ranpo is putting in the least effort to get his attention lol

The conclusion is obvious. Dazai should explain that’s not what he means, but he can’t get his mouth to work to speak honestly. 

this whole conversation was the biggest indicator of dazai being unable to elaborate/saying things in as few words as possible. he's not a pathological liar, i just think sometimes it is physically painful to have to elaborate vulnerable things verbally for him. e.g. "it's because you're a woman" and yosano having to debate the fact dazai could be going after her, dazai Knowing what kind of conclusion she'd jump to immediately As a woman, and yet he just cannot explain it further because it is vulnerability. HENCE why i like him and fyodor, because fyodor can make those kinds of connections as quick as dazai can.

"Women are really pretty~”

not a hc or symbolism but. Boy why do you talk about women so much and yet date none of them. almost actively make yourself undesirable to them. Sir. My guy. i know what you are

“There’s a word for it?”

special lil hc i have. the mafia is very open and accepting because they simply have bigger priorities than who's kissing who. mori simply does not give a shit if his agents are consorting or if his lead agent goes from a girl to a guy. he won't provide monetary support and unless it's physically disabling he won't make exceptions to rules, but if he's told that someone's pronouns have changed or whatever he'll go "cool" and change the name/pronouns in all of the system, start using them, and be done with it. his only concern is performance and as far as he cares, sex and gender are irrelevant. (on that note, harrassment isn't tolerated because why are you harrassing them for being gay when you can harrass them for the multiple enemies they didn't kill last mission. cmon now.)

this also comes with the caveat that the kids raised in the mafia aren't really educated on it. they're taught normal class subjects, e.g. math, english, etc. and they're taught mafia protocol, and they're allowed to get their own reading material, but the mafia puts in as much effort to teach them about queer people as they do to teach them about heterosexual people. (they do get sex ed tho, which is basic as ever, and which dazai is a whole menace during)

and dazai, obviously, would not really be that interested in either to read about. being brought in so young, i think he was never really taught bias against queer people, so when he had the revelation that he liked chuuya he was just kinda. oh ok. and when he has the feelings about his body that he doesn't like it, he has much bigger priorities (namely the quickest way to die) than figuring out whatever the hell that is.

so it ends up that dazai just kinda is queer and has no idea what it is. he knows he hates his body and he knows he likes chuuya, probably has some surface level knowledge of gay/bi/lesbian/etc. but otherwise no, he's never sought out specifically to figure out the terms for what he's feeling. he actually really hates perceiving himself in any way lol

He still looks like himself,

this little bit: he hates perceiving himself in any way, but he still wants to be him. he doesn't want to change his name or his reputation or whatever else, he doesn't want to be a different person. he just wants to be a dazai that he likes.

It would look wrong be inconvenient for him, and take so much effort. Just… so much. So much that he can’t handle. Managing himself is hard regularly - adding on this, whatever it is, would be biting off more than he could chew. 

there's a river called de nile-

dazai is denying the fact he thinks being a woman would look wrong because of his years of being in a masculine body like he is, hence the calluses mention. but he also is right, that he wouldn't be able to upkeep it. he has to be in a better spot/it has to be something very slow and gradual for him to be able to keep it up long enough to maintain a desirable appearance. he's sorta using it as an excuse to not do it but also he just doesn't want to put in that much effort into it.

now for the matcha fic!

Very big hc and symbolism for this fic: Dazai's ability.

it is an ability nullifier, and i stand by the idea that abilities have some kind of effect on their user and are somewhat sentient. Atsushi's tiger, for one, is not only a transformation but the shape of the ability inside him, and Kyouka's Demon Snow is a whole being as the ability itself.

so for Dazai, he described it once as an "anti-ability." which. what the hell. whump beams him.

i have the hc that Dazai's ability makes him cold because most ability users can feel their ability hummign beneath their skin. most abilities are warm, alive, and it's like a constant low electric current or adrenaline rushing through them, as omnipresent as a heartbeat or breath. just a fact of being alive is that feeling. so then: when Dazai nullifies other people's ability, they can Feel the absence of it, they can feel very empty and very cold. when Dazai is the host of that nullification ability, it's just that electric warmth reversed. an icy cold, all the time, because NLH is a black hole as opposed to a sun. (all my metaphors relate NLH more to an icy lake, but that's the dichotomy)

i don't ascribe Dazai's emptiness entirely to NLH, but i do think it contributes and that he has a complex about the relationship between his own issues with emotion, empathy, and the fact NLH lives inside him.

and that cold gets much worse whenever Dazai actually does nullify an ability depending on how strong it is/how much is being used at the time, therefore the remark about him making a science on how bad it'll affect him, and that scene about him being overwhelmed by nullifying Chuuya's ability; he miscalculated, and was caught off guard by NLH activating so strongly, esp given his injuries and physical weakness already in that moment

and another little HC: Dazai's hinted to have been in an even worse place before Mori and abilities are said to be activated from trauma. so i like to hc Dazai's ability as activating from the result of being tortured with abilities, from a deep desire to stop the torture, also in some kind of lab setting. and from there, Dazai escaped, and Mori got this very damaged child.

so then, through the matcha fic, Dazai latches onto it because the warmth of the tea chases away the cold of NLH.

another thread through this fic: Mori and Dazai's relationship. i think Mori was trying to keep Dazai alive as an asset to the mafia, and that he never... regretted? bringing him in as much as wished Dazai had never shown up at his doorstep in the first place, because Mori sees the value of his skills way too much to regret using them. but Mori also knows kids aren't supposed to do what Dazai is doing. and he also sees the emptiness in Dazai and all his general issues. so it's this very messy tangle of like. Mori can't care for him like a father because, yknow, mafia boss and Mori himself also has manipulation and control issues, but also he's much fonder of him than most others, even Chuuya. no one else would have been able to get away with all the shenanigans Dazai inflicts on him (that kid bullies mori so hard. it's very comical). Mori is simultaneously training him and raising him in a life-or-death environment for them both and it's so messy.

“I’ll make us all some hot tea!” Atsushi raises an eyebrow, skeptical. “Are you sure you won’t… burn the Agency down, Dazai?”

little note here: i think dazai curates an image of incompetency specifically because of his competency in the mafia. obviously everyone there knows he's actually competent, but he hides just how competent he is. partially to get up to his own shenanigans hiding his mafia connections and whatever else, but also partially because he doesn't want to be known as something like the demon prodigy again.

when it's serious, they know he can hold his own (prison arc) but otherwise. he is faking so much incompetency.

“I’ll make a deal - if you manage to make matcha tea as well as I do, I can get you your own expensive set for the holidays~”

ok listen. listen. the slap that dazai gave atsushi lives rent free in my mind because of the moment of hesitation just before it. everyone villainizes dazai for slapping atsushi while entirely ignoring the brief hesitation just before it.

dazai was both trained (as an agent) and raised (as a teenager) by mori. and oda was not a very good dad either. he doesn't have the best role model, for one. but he's also very self-aware when he's older and i think he can separate "father" mori and "mafia boss" mori in his actions. he knows when mori was trying to raise him and he knows when mori was trying to train him.

now. now guess what dazai is to atsushi. a trainer. and dazai is still taking the place of someone older and more experienced teaching atsushi not only combat skills but also life skills/growing-up skills. and we all saw how dazai got with akutagawa; that was an environment conducive to that kind of treatment, where that was being encouraged.

now the agency doesn't condone physical violence and dazai knows that. and he is very clearly trying to be a good person like oda asked him to. so, with that moment of hesitation, he clearly did not want to slap atsushi. but someone else's post words this better: he got complacent at the agency, forgot mori's ruthlessness, and with the threat against atsushi and release of Q he remembered he couldn't be so complacent and began to slip back into the old mafia thinking as a way to survive.

and with atsushi breaking down and not listening to him, the agency threatened by mori and Q, a threat that made even dazai flinch, i hc he got overwhelmed, knew there was one method that got guaranteed results, knew the agency didn't condone it, but was overwhelmed enough that he just. lashed out in a way he knew guaranteed would work, and would get atsushi to listen to him.

so . very long rant just to say that i think dazai is fighting, a bit, to balance his experience of being trained-and-raised, with him training-and-raising atsushi, but he knows the difference clearly between the two and so he'll cherrypick actions like the deal mori made with the matcha tea.

deep breath. it's been like an hour and a half. jfc. anyway there's your answers hsfdbhsdf i have many many thoughts on dazai

ty for asking!

[kyouka-supremacy]

hey girl i am SO brainrotted on sskk rn and i was wondering if youve ever posted like random hcs of them. if not i was wondering if youve ever posted could make some..😖😖 but like its completely fine if not lol

Sskk are really so easy to get brainrotted on, right? You start reading this apparently normal enemies to lovers manga and before you've realized it...

I made a directory of my sskk headcanons here some time ago, if it's something you'd like to check out! Also my sleepy headcanons that people seemed to like a lot pfftt. Your sskk headcanon of the day is:

Something I've been thinking about a lot in the past days is sskk's relationship with food, that is very special to me... I believe food would be a very meaningful node of connection for them (it already is, if you consider the Beast café exchange), because starvation is a shared experience for them, and thus contributes to bringing them closer; but also, differently from their other shared experiences, it's not something that puts them one against the other, but rather drives them to feel sympathy for the other. Especially for Akutagawa, who's ever inclined to being as harsh as possible in judging Atsushi, the experience of growing up without food is something that he can't help but be sympathetic of Atsushi in spite of himself: because he's seen it on so many children he cared for, and he knows Atsushi was just like them, and thus can't help but to feel sorry for him. And I'm soft thinking about all the little gestures of their post-getting-together that would reflect that, which is also something that is so them, it wouldn't have the same meaning or even register at all to other people; but that's why they're so special to each other, that's why they need each other like no one else. I'm thinking about Atsushi really caring that Akutagawa eats well, I'm thinking about them getting into fights when either of them skips a meal. I'm thinking about Atsushi eating food gone bad because the idea of throwing away food is far more sickening than having a stomach ache. I'm thinking about them delicately molding onigiris side by side, in silence, and I'm thinking about Atsushi always going out of his way to cook or buy Akutagawa breakfast when it's a special day. I'm thinking about restaurant dates having a special meaning for them, and I'm thinking about both of them disliking the idea of takeaway because it feels too rich and entitled in a way they don't feel like they deserve. I'm thinking about Akutagawa using a knife to cut fruit, and how stupidly meaningful it is for them, that he gives it to Atsushi and doesn't eat it himself.