#At this point I'm just screaming into the void

[miss0atae]

Random Thoughts about The Heart Killers (EP 1 – 6) : An interesting Rom-Com with morally grey characters.

The long awaited post I've wanted to make, but always failed to do properly. Since we are not getting an episode today (which is a damn crime because the wait is killing me!), I've decided to feed my poor soul with some writing about the series. I won't add anything that haven't already been said on here, so I won't feel sad if you don't pay attention to this post. It's just me screaming in the void of internet to try thinking about something else. I knew I would like this series (I like the actors, the directors, the plot… everything has been set according to my own taste), but I try to reason with me. You shouldn't put too many expectations on a series, otherwise you're at a risk of being disappointed. I also give better advice that I never really follow, so yes I had expectations and until now they have been fulfilled. I would be lying if I didn't say that at one point or another I was really annoyed by the characters' actions. I tend to forget that the series is 12 episodes and I'm looking forward to seeing the sweet scenes between the main couples (real ones with no lying). I was promised a rom-com, so don't be mad at me for being a little fool here. I'm a bit impatient as you can see. However, I know that I shouldn't react in the heat of the moment so I waited until now to write something about The Heart Killers.

Usually, in a rom-com you get characters that are archetypes usually found in this type of story. In the Heart Killers, most of the characters are neither good neither totally evil (except maybe Mother, but she may also have a good side, who knows). All characters have their strengths and weaknesses and they may appear on different sides, but they all have a strong, justifiable reason for doing what they are doing. I've making this grid for a while now. I may have forgotten some information, but it's just my own perception of the series so far. Things may change in the coming episodes.

So why was I annoyed by the characters at one point or another? I guess one part of the reason is that I forgot the structure of a rom-com because of the unique setting the screenwriters and the director put our main characters in. Any rom-com follows a certain structure in three times I would say.

• The first part is the presentation of the setting, the characters and their unfulfilled needs.

• The second part is when you have the meet-cute (or not so cute) between the characters. It is followed by the honeymoon stage until obstacles arise at the midpoint and the relationship is in jeopardy (that's where we are right now in the story). Usually, it's when the couple break up or start to have doubts.

• The third and final part is the moment of realization where the characters can view themselves outside the relationship and decide what are their new desire and goals. It leads everyone to the final of the story that usually ends on a happy note or at least give the viewers some hope for the characters if they don't end up together (my personal choice would be a happy ending for everyone, but I like to be surprised).

We've seen the first part already and have moved on the second part. I believe in the Heart Killers the break-up part could be different. Will the characters really break-up now that they think they have understood the needs of the others?! I don't think so. I believe they are all going to pretend to be together to try to outmatch the other ones and to learn the truth. They believe they are in opposite sides, but the truth is their main enemy who is working against their desire/happy ending remains Mother and to a lesser extent Keen (until Mother works against him and he may become an ally to the main leads). We could probably add the Captain too.

So, even knowing that, the question remains: why was I annoyed by the characters, despite loving everything else?! It's because I viewed them through my own sets of value while forgetting who they are and the setting of the series. To be fair, I'm used to rom-com characters who usually are not morally wrong. Here, in this story, none of them is really right or wrong. After all, they are on different standpoints and the perspectives they can reach are not the same. They represent different sides with different views (sorry I'm rambling here). I would say, Style may be the only characters who didn't have a criminal past and his worst fault is that he didn't flirt (at first) with Fadel for love, but for greed to possess Kant's car. The other characters, Kant, Bison and Fadel, all are or were a criminal at one point. Does it mean that criminals can't fall in love because what they are doing is morally wrong? The story doesn't agree with this point, as all of them were dragged to this because of something external. Kant needed money to take care of his brothers and Fadel and Bison were forced into this line of work by their “guardian” Mother who pretends to make them go after other “criminals” because the justice system isn't doing the right wrong. In some way, she isn't wrong, as the only “justice” figure we meet in the story is Captain Christ. He isn't a nice guy too as he is threatening Kant to force him to do his work in exchange for freedom from his past.

The idea of writing morally grey characters is interesting as it maintain the suspense, both in the relationship between the main leads, but also in the core structure of the story. The characters had needs at the beginning of the story, but their desire slowly changed by interacting with their lovers and other characters. It is also good for viewers as they have the opportunity to prefer one side over the other one. I changed my mind a lot during those six episodes. I was feeling terribly sorry for Bison when I saw Kant's playing with his heart, but in the last two episodes, I understood how hard it must be for him to keep pretending while also falling in love, despite knowing the truth. I was amused by Style's aggressive flirting with Fadel, but also felt annoyed on behalf of Fadel as I noticed how his "secret life" was putting a toll on his mental health. Choosing to have morally grey characters work better with the setting of the story. Otherwise, who would root for hitmen to fall in love? The fact we care so much about the actions of the main characters and what impact it will have on their romantic relationship, confuse us and make us anticipate the next move they may make. It also allows the true villains of the story to actively continue working against our main leads' happiness. The ones who really gain from the new feud between the main couples are the Captain and Mother. They may believe they are in their rights, but they use the main characters as chest pieces, without regard for the toll it can have on their well-being.

Mother is using the maternal figure she has set to control Fadel and Bison's action. She is pretending to care about them. She willfully taught them how to be hitmen to supposedly kill other criminals. The reason may appears good, but the actions are not valid. You can't Pay Evil unto Evil. She pushed our characters in this place by using the death of their parents as an example of failed justice. She knows much buttons to push to keep them in the place she wants them to be. Mother pretends to understand that they are tired of being hitmen and that this job will be the last one, but will it really be the last one? She also purposely and actively works against their happiness, by keeping them lonely. Bison and Fadel may think they are in controls, but the viewers can see, they don't really have a say in their actions or life. They never settled before and they don't really know how to. They find a different way to cope with this, but deep down they are still prisoners of what Mother has made of their life. As for Kant, he is also being controlled by the Captain who knows about his desire to protect and care about his younger brother. He uses his criminal past to make him an informant. Unlike Mother who pretends to act as a true mother to the brothers, he doesn't lie about his real view of Kant. However, just like her, he knows much buttons to push to keep Kant working for him.

As for me now, I can’t wait for Bison, Kant, Fadel and Style to overcome the lying part and the feeling of betrayal they will have regarding their relationship, so they can all be on the same side and fight against their real enemies.

[glassgulls]

OK! So now I've read and digested the chapter I just wanted to point out some things that made me cry and scream.

Amy was shaking in the bathroom, unable to control the emotions that were flooding her. She couldn’t face the mirror and turned away, feeling the tears begin to fall. They had been relentless the last six weeks. And after she had been faced with three positive pregnancy tests and then been pushed away again by Lucas, that huge, gaping hole in her gut had grown exponentially. It was overpowering her now, rendering her broken. 

I love how visceral you are able to convey characters feelings, the sheer panic and despair that Amy must feel mixed with the joy I can't even imagine what that would do to you mental and physically. Especially with the heightened emotion of hormones in the mix. I can feel the empty feeling in her gut, that feeling of rejection from the one person you had that finally saw you as you and accepted everything the good and bad. Then to have that ripped away from you, to have the one person walk away seemingly not wanting to fight for you? And when you are at your most vulnerable? I would just fall apart then and there.

Even her dreams reflected her deep longing for him, and the emptiness that was dragging her down, pulling her into a black sea of nothingness. Upon waking she would remember shards of her dreams in which she was calling for him, crying out, begging. And when she woke, she would feel tears clinging to her cheeks. 

Even in dreams the torment Amy feels is so heartbreaking. You always feel like when you sleep you're finally able to retreat from the world and your pain. I feel I'm there with her, lying there feeling like my world is being swept away. The description of the black sea of emptiness dragging her down hit me so much and her remembering that she was calling out to Lucas, crying and begging him but there's only that void. I honestly just want to hug her, Amy seems to think that she's not strong but to go through that, to feel that complete heartache but keep going she's so resilient. The sense of building pressure of despair you craft with Amy's thoughts and feelings both emotional and physical are so perfect. Ugh my heart just bleeds for her so much I want to just hold her hand and comfort her. I hope one day I can create such a real and relatable character like with Amy.

A tightness was growing in Amy’s chest now, that sensation which had been a friend of hers since Lucas left her life. She woke up with it every morning now, sometimes accompanied with a tension headache and a sense of dread at facing a new day. 

The way you describe that feeling of dread at facing a new day was such a gut punch to me. I think we all can admit to ourselves that we have felt like that. I love the description of that tightness in her chest, again you build the sense of anxiousness, that stress and pressure that's simmering in her. Uuuuugh it's so beautifully angsty!

“I know, and I’ve told him that. By your parents and Lucas protecting you, they’re suffocating you. We’ve all got to make our own way in life sooner or later. I’ve made enough of my own choices in life, some good and some bad. I know full well that this job comes with risk to those you love. I lost someone I loved through it.”

This, this right here is why we all need a Ros. I absolutely LOVE her dynamic with Amy. She's the only one who actually makes Amy decide what AMY wants to do. To encourage Amy to make her own decisions, to give her advice but not pressure Amy one way or another. Sharing that wisdom Ros has learned about the job and life that comes with it but be realistic, not sugar coat or doom say it. I think with Ros gentle guidance Amy can finally see herself as the world does a powerful and capable woman.

Then Amy heard it: the first actual sound of her baby’s heartbeat. Amy smiled, staring at the screen, looking at the moving mass. Sharon held Amy’s hand, watching her daughter’s face as it lit up for the first time in six weeks since being home in Coventry. 

I love the perspective of Sharon here, holding her daughters hand and seeing her come back to life again hearing the baby's heartbeat. I can see the way Amy is looking in my head with the way you describe it there's always such cinematic quality to it. I can see it on the screen so clearly. I can see Amy's first smile in weeks as she looks at the screen, that little bit of hope in Amy with that smile.

Would Lucas want to know the sex of their child? He should have been here, but Amy couldn’t stand the idea of him being half in and half out, having to see him at scans but not being able to go home with him. Everything at the moment was a mixture of emotion, and it was confusing. One minute she was sad, the next angry. The grief of an ended relationship, and the anger of Lucas making the decision he had, alternated frequently, like a whirlwind. 

In the car and Amy sat in the passenger seat, her thumb trailing the curve of the baby’s head. “Should I send a copy to Lucas?” she asked absently. 

“I still think it’s best he has no part in this,” Sharon hissed. “We’ll all pull together as a family, we always do.” 

Ok I think this is such a brilliant mix of emotion! The way you convey such realness at the confusion at excitement and mourning. The frustration that the decision had been made for Amy yet again without her say so. Sharon's lack of understanding of what Amy actually wants. And I do love that Sharon's attitude, even though it could be perceived as meanness, it's purely done out of love and wanting to protect her child and grandchild. It's done out of what Sharon thinks will keep Amy and the baby safe. But it's at this point we can see that Amy isn't a child anymore. Yes Amy might want advice but Amy needs to spread her own wings and at some point just like Amy is now you start to create your own little family outside of the parental unit. I think Sharon is brilliant complex character, she's not this villain trying to intentionally hurt Amy by keeping her apart from Lucas but this desperate mother fighting off any potential threat of harm.

Over a hundred miles away, in London, Lucas sat at the dining room table. He stared at the wall, the lifeless atmosphere of the place seeping into every fibre of his being. Three and a half months now he had lived by himself, haunted by Amy. Every inch of the place reminded him of her. After all, it was her flat originally. Living with her had been bliss; he would kiss her on his way out of the door, or at the main door to their office as they travelled in, pining for the end of the day when he would see her again. 

I know I keep saying this but I love the way you can describe a scene so clearly without overselling it. I can see Lucas sitting there bleakly in that flat the colour of life drained out of him with the contrast to him reliving his life filled in memory with light. You've created this atmosphere of him sitting here alone feels so cold and devoid of any warmth.

He thought of Amy, imagining her sitting in the garden, holding a baby on her lap, reading her old battered copy of The Hobbit, with a warm sun high in the sky. He had given her the ultimate gift, the one thing she had wanted for a while now, but he couldn’t enjoy it with her. Lucas knew she would be an amazing mother; doting, kind, eager to play and re-live her own childhood through their little one. 

I see the little nod with the book madam! It's so heartbreaking to see the process of him totally breaking down and giving up. To see him torment himself with the life that he's always wanted but feels he's not allowed.

Work seemed to be the only thing that got Lucas through each day, making him soldier on in this empty existence. It felt like being back in prison. Rather than being locked in a cell, he was locked in loneliness within his own mind. Memories of Amy were all around him. Would he ever be able to let go? The more he pondered on that fact, the more he knew the answer. The years Lucas had spent with Elizabeta had revolved around their work as operatives, and upon his return to the UK from Russia, their temporary ties were still work-based, her being his handler. The months with Sarah were, again, work-based. Everything revolved around MI5. Amy was so different. Their relationship had been built away from work, despite work being the thing that was constantly pushing them toward breaking point. Their love for each other was almost innocent, pure. It didn’t revolve around necessity. 

Again this was so wonderfully descriptive of Lucas's life being so cold and grey without Amy. Going through the motions of routine to get through the day. It's so heartrending to see him turn in on himself, it's interesting to see how the way his past relationships contrast so sharply with his and Amy's. I love the way you let us see underneath Lucas's MI5 mask. For us to see him compare and coming to realise what it was that he actually wanted in a relationship. That with Amy she saw him as the man outside of MI5. That all she wanted was him the man, not what she could get out of him with MI5 and had no ulterior motives.

Lucas even made himself feel the pain of showers, turning on the fast jet of water so he could be taken back to his days of torture in Lushanka. Re-live the waterboarding, where ice cold water was thrown over him as he begged for mercy and tried desperately to hold onto the information the Russians so badly wanted. He deserved the pain and the anguish. Beneath the water he shivered and wept, waiting and wishing for everything to end. Then maybe upon his deathbed, he could at least see her one last time in his moments of euphoria. 

That night and he sat on the edge of the bed, downing whiskey from the bottle. He rubbed his stubbled chin and stared aimlessly through the gloom. 

Tears trickled down Lucas’ cheek as he picked up his phone, and for the first time in months, he sent a single message to Amy. The alcohol had worn his inhibitions right down. 

I love you. 

Ok this section was so utterly bleak and my heart was bleeding for Lucas. Him showering to essentially self harm was so gut wrenching. You delivered his complete falling apart with such a brilliant punch. There's no heavy handedness and brash it's a deliberate careful trickle to this crescendo of how far he has fallen into despair to the image of him sitting on the bed drunk and at the end of his tether. The ultimate broken man, with the only thing in his head to just reach out to Amy. Those three words are so simple but they packed such a kick it was brilliantly written.

A short time later and Amy was staring at a letter she had left on her parents’ dining table. She had explained that she needed to go back to London and was taking the next available train out to London Euston. Amy knew her parents would go absolutely ballistic, especially her mum. But there was no way she could let Lucas remain alone and suffer. 

He deserved peace; after all, he put his life on the line daily to protect the UK public. Of course he deserved some peace. She wanted to embrace him, comfort him, just be there and hold him during his dark hours. 

This was such a huge turning point for me seeing Amy's character development. Amy taking that stand to do what she thought was the right thing to do by her family. That fear of what her Mum would say but still taking that brave plunge to be there for Lucas. And the way you are able to show Amy's pure love for Lucas. To reinforce the fact that Amy just wants to see him safe, to see him happy. Before we have seen Lucas taking charge or the relationship and being the protector but Amy does it with quiet grace and strength it's beautiful.

It was her original flat keys; two of them held together on a ring. One got her through the front door into the lobby area, and the other got her into the flat itself. Why had she kept them all this time? Was it because she always knew she would one day be going back? 

HELLO FATE! Showing up and giving a little nudge!

For a second, she placed her hand on her bump and smiled. 

We’re going to see your daddy. 

I was smiling ear to ear at this bit, head in hands grinning like a big idiot cheering Amy on.

The last time she had been in London and it had been cold, but now it was mild, a sure sign of spring. It was just after six in the evening when she made it to her old building and looked at the familiar sight. Sadness rose in her chest and she thought back on the day she had moved in, nervous at the prospect of a new beginning. Now she had another new beginning on the horizon, one that involved a new person, a new life. 

I thought this was such a beautiful sense of the passing of time, again it's so cinematic. That sense of the seasons changing around them as they go through the ups and downs (and shooting and kidnapping!) I loved the contrast of the new beginnings for Amy, it was so bittersweet but that hope you build into it. It's a new start in a phase of her life I thought it was so poignant that Amy returning with this new sense of discovery about herself in that she is out to take that new horizon and shape it for herself and her new family.

Amy let herself into the main front entrance of the building, and then walked down the corridor to flat number three. With a deep breath, she knocked, waiting for a response. 

THE. CLIFFHANGER. MADAM! I BLOODY took a deep breath at this as she knocked on the door! Damn, I fucking love the pace you've created in this and the journey your showed Amy and Lucas going through. Both with the utter heartbreak and despair at losing each other. Amy with the rejection and confusion that Lucas is not seeming to fight for her and the utter terror that she is alone. But bloody Hell she keeps going, and pushing herself forward despite not knowing what direction to go in. But with Ros's little nudge Amy's is standing up and fighting for what SHE wants. AMY is making that decision! Taking that chance which must be terrifying. And MAN it's so satisfying and exciting to see her on that journey.

And Lucas we see him completely falling apart and it was so interesting to see him (through Amy's eyes) as the strong confident person of MI5 actually just as vulnerable and desperate. And I know Amy wants someone to fight for her and maybe that person is also herself that need to do that fighting for herself if that makes sense? The character development and to see her grow as a person has been such a wonderful rollercoaster. It's felt so natural with the pacing. And we see that Lucas is now in desperate need for someone to fight for him and Amy is that strength and has always been with her selfless love and dedication to him and his happiness. With Lucas you can see that with his past relationships did they really see him as the Lucas North the man not Lucas North MI5? Amy did. I love the contrast between them from the beginning and now. Amy standing on her own two feet scared but not backing down and facing her life head while Lucas from the confident MI5 agent to Lucas the man lost in wanting the one thing he feels he shouldn't be allowed to have, a family and life.

I hope what I've written makes sense I just wanted to share my thoughts and how much joy and heartache it's been watching their journey together. I'm so hyped and nervous about where you are going to take them next @fizzyxcustard!

Covert Eyes (25)

Prologue| Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6| Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18 | Chapter 19 | Chapter 20 | Chapter 21 | Chapter 22 | Chapter 23 | Chapter 24

Masterlist of fan fiction

Fandom: Spooks

Pairings: Lucas North x OC (Amy Holland)

Warnings: Stalking behaviour, anxiety, language, sexual references, angst, smut, heartbreak, gunshot wounds and recovery, abduction, hostage situation, PTSD, torture mention.

Summary: Lucas takes notice of a young woman, Amy, but his obsession and want to get to know her begin to spiral out of control. Amy is now working for MI-5, after being recruited by Ros. But will her involvement with Lucas cause even more problems and heartbreak?

When Amy's parents get involved, how will things pan out for Amy and Lucas?

Official soundtrack list:  here

Comments/Notes: If you wish to be tagged in any of my tag lists for fics or characters, please let me know, and stipulate what you want to be tagged in. People who don't engage are gradually being removed from my tag list.

This fic does have an ending in sight...finally. :)

Feedback, comments and suggestions are always very valuable. My messages and ask box (including anons!) are open.

Thank you so much to those of you who have remained with me through this journey writing this story, and while we are very close to the end of this story, it's not the end of Lucas and Amy! ;)

Morning sickness began, or at least got stronger; Amy couldn’t quite tell. Most mornings that Amy had got up in the last month and she had felt nauseous, probably due to her anxiety spikes, and not just the hormones beginning to surge.  

On the day that Amy was due to meet with Ros and she could barely keep any food in her stomach. Two rounds of toast had been immediately thrown back up. Three days later would be Amy’s booking appointment, where she would speak to a doctor or midwife face to face and begin the process of booking her first scan.

Amy was shaking in the bathroom, unable to control the emotions that were flooding her. She couldn’t face the mirror and turned away, feeling the tears begin to fall. They had been relentless the last six weeks. And after she had been faced with three positive pregnancy tests and then been pushed away again by Lucas, that huge, gaping hole in her gut had grown exponentially. It was overpowering her now, rendering her broken. 

Nights were the worst. Amy was left alone with nothing but her thoughts, and she would always think of Lucas. She replayed the memories of when he tickled her under the bedclothes, when he would come behind her in the kitchen and wind his arms around her, the feel of his hand in hers, the smell of his cologne, the sound of his voice. Every night and she prayed he would contact her, but he didn’t. Her texts and WhatsApp remained empty of any new messages from Lucas North. 

Even her dreams reflected her deep longing for him, and the emptiness that was dragging her down, pulling her into a black sea of nothingness. Upon waking she would remember shards of her dreams in which she was calling for him, crying out, begging. And when she woke, she would feel tears clinging to her cheeks. 

Ros waited for Amy in a Costa, which was in the city centre of Coventry. She slipped away towards the back of the shop and waited. It wasn’t long before she saw Amy’s familiar figure step into the building. 

Amy stopped, scanned the sea of heads and then nodded as she caught Ros’ gaze. 

“What would you like? I’ll get it,” Ros offered with a faint smile. 

“Just a cup of tea, please. I need to keep it a little more bland. I’ve been really sick the last day or two,” Amy said. 

Ros didn’t answer, but instead walked to the counter and placed her order. 

Amy sat down, being temporarily taken back to the café she frequented with Lucas. The place where it all began just over a year ago. It would be their one year anniversary the following week if they had still remained together. The night when Amy had fully let him in, the beginning of their rocky relationship.

Amy watched Ros order their drinks. Why did these people sacrifice everything in their lives just for the sake of a job? What was it about MI5 that was so special? They had given up their normal lives, friends, family, for this job. Lucas thought he could have a normal life, but that had all turned out to be false. No one had a normal life. The long list of casualties on the job proved that. Amy had heard about many of them. Surveillance operatives who had found themselves in deeper shit than they could have ever imagined. 

A tightness was growing in Amy’s chest now, that sensation which had been a friend of hers since Lucas left her life. She woke up with it every morning now, sometimes accompanied with a tension headache and a sense of dread at facing a new day. 

“What should I do?” Amy asked simply, as Ros placed the drinks down on the table. “Lucas is adamant that my parents are right, and has told me he’ll come to the scans and birth but won’t be with me. How can I get through to him?” 

Ros sighed and began opening a sachet of sugar. “Lucas is stubborn at the best of times. But if you want to be together enough then you’ll do it. Lucas wants you safe, and neither of us can argue with that.” 

“I’m not worth the fight for him.” 

“No, it’s not that at all,” Ros said, shaking her head for emphasis. “I’ve known him about three years now, and never saw him as content as when he was with you. He finally seemed at peace with himself. You really bring out the best in him, and he adores you. Never think anything less than that. Lucas never does anything by half measure, especially when it comes to you.” 

Amy looked down into her lap and felt the tears come again. “I wish he would let me make up my own mind. He’s always making decisions for me.” 

“I know, and I’ve told him that. By your parents and Lucas protecting you, they’re suffocating you. We’ve all got to make our own way in life sooner or later. I’ve made enough of my own choices in life, some good and some bad. I know full well that this job comes with risk to those you love. I lost someone I loved through it.” 

“I’m so sorry, Ros. I had no idea,” Amy replied. 

Ros smiled at Amy. “You didn’t know him, but you’ve probably heard his name mentioned. Adam Carter. Things wouldn’t have worked out between us. I always knew that. The job kept us apart, but he died on the job, same as his wife, Fiona. MI5 will either make or break you, Amy. But either way, once you’re in, you don’t leave. You and Lucas are truly devoted to each other, and you deserve happiness.” 

***

“You’re approximately twelve weeks,” the midwife told Amy. “Baby is growing well. Seems quite active.” 

Then Amy heard it: the first actual sound of her baby’s heartbeat. Amy smiled, staring at the screen, looking at the moving mass. Sharon held Amy’s hand, watching her daughter’s face as it lit up for the first time in six weeks since being home in Coventry. 

“I estimate your due date approximately the last week of August.” The midwife wiped the gel from Amy’s stomach and paused the image on the screen, printing the scan. “I’ll book you for your next scan, and hopefully then we can determine the sex of the baby, if you want to know.” 

Amy smiled. “I’d love to know. I always had it planned out in my head that if I had children, I’d want to know. It helps me get to know them better.” 

The midwife, a middle-aged lady with short greying hair and glasses, smiled. “That’s nice,” she said simply. 

Amy looked away and sighed. Of course the midwife wouldn’t be as interested; she saw dozens of pregnant women every day, and no doubt they all sounded like a broken record to her. 

Would Lucas want to know the sex of their child? He should have been here, but Amy couldn’t stand the idea of him being half in and half out, having to see him at scans but not being able to go home with him. Everything at the moment was a mixture of emotion, and it was confusing. One minute she was sad, the next angry. The grief of an ended relationship, and the anger of Lucas making the decision he had, alternated frequently, like a whirlwind. 

In the car and Amy sat in the passenger seat, her thumb trailing the curve of the baby’s head. “Should I send a copy to Lucas?” she asked absently. 

“I still think it’s best he has no part in this,” Sharon hissed. “We’ll all pull together as a family, we always do.” 

***

Time passed, weeks turning into months. 

Amy felt the tension and anxiety lessen, as the nausea got worse by her fifth month, and then eased again. The fluttering sensations began, something she knew was inevitable as the baby grew. Her stomach was becoming harder and more prominent, resting a little heavier on the waist of her trousers. 

Ros still remained in touch, having formally put Amy on early maternity leave after two months of sick leave. She had done all she could to keep the position open for Amy and also enable money to continue coming in, so she at least had something to live off. 

Lucas was silent. Sometimes his deafening silence brought her to tears in the middle of the night as she lay on her back, staring at the ceiling, praying he would be back beside her one day. She tried to imagine what the baby would look like, giving it Lucas’ grey blue eyes. But thinking on the baby’s appearance, always caused her to break down again. 

***

Over a hundred miles away, in London, Lucas sat at the dining room table. He stared at the wall, the lifeless atmosphere of the place seeping into every fibre of his being. Three and a half months now he had lived by himself, haunted by Amy. Every inch of the place reminded him of her. After all, it was her flat originally. Living with her had been bliss; he would kiss her on his way out of the door, or at the main door to their office as they travelled in, pining for the end of the day when he would see her again. 

Lucas walked slowly into the kitchen and looked out of the window, into the communal garden. It was growing dusk, with longer days moving in as the weeks passed quickly through spring. He thought of Amy, imagining her sitting in the garden, holding a baby on her lap, reading her old battered copy of The Hobbit, with a warm sun high in the sky. He had given her the ultimate gift, the one thing she had wanted for a while now, but he couldn’t enjoy it with her. Lucas knew she would be an amazing mother; doting, kind, eager to play and re-live her own childhood through their little one. 

Work seemed to be the only thing that got Lucas through each day, making him soldier on in this empty existence. It felt like being back in prison. Rather than being locked in a cell, he was locked in loneliness within his own mind. Memories of Amy were all around him. Would he ever be able to let go? The more he pondered on that fact, the more he knew the answer. The years Lucas had spent with Elizabeta had revolved around their work as operatives, and upon his return to the UK from Russia, their temporary ties were still work-based, her being his handler. The months with Sarah were, again, work-based. Everything revolved around MI5. Amy was so different. Their relationship had been built away from work, despite work being the thing that was constantly pushing them toward breaking point. Their love for each other was almost innocent, pure. It didn’t revolve around necessity. 

One way to numb the pain was alcohol. In the last few weeks and Lucas had welcomed whiskey and vodka into his life on a more permanent basis. The bedside table housed half empty bottles. 

Lucas even made himself feel the pain of showers, turning on the fast jet of water so he could be taken back to his days of torture in Lushanka. Re-live the waterboarding, where ice cold water was thrown over him as he begged for mercy and tried desperately to hold onto the information the Russians so badly wanted. He deserved the pain and the anguish. Beneath the water he shivered and wept, waiting and wishing for everything to end. Then maybe upon his deathbed, he could at least see her one last time in his moments of euphoria. 

That night and he sat on the edge of the bed, downing whiskey from the bottle. He rubbed his stubbled chin and stared aimlessly through the gloom. 

Amy was so ready to fight for you and you just let her go. 

But she needs to be protected. Her and the baby. 

You want her and she wants you. Fuck what her parents think. 

The arguments raged. Back and forth the voices went, turning into whispers the more that Lucas drank from the bottle. 

Tears trickled down Lucas’ cheek as he picked up his phone, and for the first time in months, he sent a single message to Amy. The alcohol had worn his inhibitions right down. 

I love you. 

***

Amy stared at the message, unable to comprehend that Lucas had actually sent her something. He’d been silent now for months, so she had taken this as her sign to leave him be and go through her pregnancy alone. The timestamp on the message was 2:04am. Messages in the dead of night were always a cry for help in some way. She whispered his name, still feeling stunned and not sure what to do. 

A few hours passed and Amy still wondered what on earth to do with the message from Lucas. She’d looked back at the message multiple times, making sure that she wasn’t imagining it all. But it was still there. Three simple, desperate words. 

An incoming call came from Ros. 

“Hi, Ros. Is everything okay?” Amy asked, trying to force a cheerful tone. 

“I wish I could say it was,” she replied. “Lucas didn’t turn up for work this morning, and has been coming in smelling of drink. Amy, he’s not doing well. He needs you.” 

Amy sighed and swallowed hard. “He’s stubborn, Ros. No matter what I say and do, he won’t let me come back. You know he won’t.” 

“Something tells me not this time.” 

A short time later and Amy was staring at a letter she had left on her parents’ dining table. She had explained that she needed to go back to London and was taking the next available train out to London Euston. Amy knew her parents would go absolutely ballistic, especially her mum. But there was no way she could let Lucas remain alone and suffer. 

Lucas had suffered enough in his life and all Amy wanted was to see him find peace, wherever and whoever he found that with. He deserved peace; after all, he put his life on the line daily to protect the UK public. Of course he deserved some peace. She wanted to embrace him, comfort him, just be there and hold him during his dark hours. 

On the train an hour later and Amy flicked through her purse, checking that she had enough cash to get her across London to her old flat. But as she rummaged in the coin compartment, she felt something long against her fingers. It was her original flat keys; two of them held together on a ring. One got her through the front door into the lobby area, and the other got her into the flat itself. Why had she kept them all this time? Was it because she always knew she would one day be going back? 

The flashing of buildings and landscape somehow soothed her, while a teenage girl of around sixteen years of age sat next to Amy, flicking through Instagram, and occasionally posing in her front facing camera. 

The closer she got to London and the more she could feel the fluttering in her belly, which was now showing. 

For a second, she placed her hand on her bump and smiled. 

We’re going to see your daddy. 

Apprehension and excitement both rose inside Amy. She had missed Lucas more than she could ever express, and while on the underground and then walking the street, getting closer to the flat, she could feel her anxiety taking hold. 

The last time she had been in London and it had been cold, but now it was mild, a sure sign of spring. It was just after six in the evening when she made it to her old building and looked at the familiar sight. Sadness rose in her chest and she thought back on the day she had moved in, nervous at the prospect of a new beginning. Now she had another new beginning on the horizon, one that involved a new person, a new life. 

Amy let herself into the main front entrance of the building, and then walked down the corridor to flat number three. With a deep breath, she knocked, waiting for a response. 

***

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[minai28]

At this point I'm tempted to write an essay on spirituality and gender just to SHUT MY MOM UP.Ma'am idk what you thought you raised but it wasn't a daughter, so please stop referring to me as such!

We were visiting my father's grave, well the tree his ashes were buried under, he doesn't have tradition headstone. My mom being my mom talked to him, as if the ashes feeding the tree could talk back. And she kept referring to me as his daughter. Ugh. I'm not even sure if she remembers me being trans or if she suppressed that conversation so hard she completely forgot but it's getting on my nerves.

[nocek]

Do you want to hear a funny story?

So you know that I was drawing spiderverse comics lately. Because they are fun to do. And I think people like them. I mean the most popular one has like 4K notes? That's lot for me when I usually dwell in tiny fandoms made out of like 3 people and their dog. So it's nice, everybody is having fun and I'm grateful.

but

BUT

I just found out that somebody took few of that comics. Cut them up and run the text through ai reading voice and posted it as reels on fucking youtube.

And it's not even that I'm stumped why even turn 4 pictures into video. First time I see such a time wasting thing but ok. People do like different things.

And even lke some effort was done to erase text from speech bubbles so it appears as the ai spews it aloud but it's not even about it

I had pictures taken and posted somewhere else. Usually without credit. At least this time it was credited? I guess I should be grateful.

What fucking gets me is that those comics have several hundred thousand views and few hundred comments each.

Like fucking seriously.

I don't know what's the point

I don;t know what should I feel about this

I mean unless you can make money on youtube reels? Then I can at least be pissed about it. Nice clean feeling?

Because what gets me is that most of those comments are nice so I should be happy about it? I guess? But I feel like a pathetic peeping tom looking for appreciation that wasn't given to me actually eve if I did the thing

ugh

I'm just tired

this day was already shitty so i guess it's time to give up and take a nap

next comic will be delayed

[samijey]

why are they always like this.......

bonus Jey responding with some serious "i love you // i know" energy:

[notsodailycake]

I'm having thoughts about "Httyd: The Hidden World" and how incredibly disappointed I feel about it, and how I hate that.

Specifically, how I hate the fact I can't simply enjoy it. I feel envious every time I see someone praise the movie and show genuine love for it, meanwhile I sit here looking at it with utter disappointment and finding it hard to think it as canon.

And I tried to enjoy it, I really did.

I only watched it much recently, not when it came out, with not much memory of the 2 previous movies, and yet I sat there confused and in utter shock of the plot. I can't just sit here and ignore all the worldbuilding it broke, all the morals they fought for in the previous movies that got completely thrown out of the window. And this isn't even including the series (which I am now also watching bc I never got the chance to finish them), the more episodes I watched, the more the 3rd movie just became worse to me with how many things it just threw away.

But again, without the series, it still just doesn't sit right with me.

And I'm not gonna go on a rant about why, bc I think that deserves to be it's own post, or else this one would be way too long for me to type out coherently, I dont wanna focus on that rn (feel free to ask tho I guess).

I watched it with my dad, who was the one who introduced httyd to me (or well, it was one of the random movies that came out at the time that he had us watch since he knew me and my sis liked animated stuff), and he has no recollection of the older movies, and even HE felt put off by it. It just felt so....empty?

Idk

People can enjoy it, I dont wanna take that away from them, but it just sucks. I hate how this movie is the canon for it, how I'll have to sit here and accept that this is how it ended, (imma ignore the future series thank u very much), that not everyone will agree with me that this movie isn't canon and that we can move past it, which they shouldn't, people deserve to have their own opinions ofc. But that I, out of my own stupid will and stubbornness of not being able to move past it, will just sit here in this deep and dark hole of disappointment and no matter how much I claw my fingers on it's walls I wont ever escape to the top of the light.

There are stuff I genuinely enjoy about this movie tho, how they introduced hiccstrid kids, the cute chemistry between them and the lovely flashbacks between Hiccup and his dad. There were some moments I genuinely luaghed at and still do. But it's all attached to a bigger and broken plotline with such disappointing conclusions (take a sip every time I say disappointing).

And yes, there is the "ignore canon choose fanon" line, in which I do follow alot. But here, for some reason, I have such a hard time doing so :(

So yeah, I hate that I can't enjoy the 3rd movie. I hate that I live in constant disappointment for it and there wont be anything I can do about it bc that's how it is, how it ended, the canon.

I'm not here for an argument tho. If you like the movie, than great! Go enjoy it! I'm not stopping you, I'm not trying to invalidate that and sorry if I did come off that way. I personally just have alot of gripes with it and feel kinda alone about it

Just block and move on if this bothers you, I dont wanna upset anyone with this, just need a let out of my frustrations

[zo1nkss]

s3 opens with Stede walking into he and Ed's shared bedroom. Izzy's half-transparent ghost is sitting at the desk with his legs propped up.

"Christ didn't you die?!"

"I did," Izzy smirks. "Can't get rid of me that easily, Bonnet."

[mintytrifecta]

I've gotten to the point of social media posting where I don't even register to do it for recognition I haven't checked my notes in like over two months

[hekateinhell]

You know what else drives me insane about Lestat, Louis, and Armand?

Aside from Gabrielle, Armand is the only one alive today who has known Lestat the longest.

Aside from Lestat, Armand is also the only one alive today who has known Louis the longest.

Maybe it's something, maybe it's nothing, but I lose it every time I remember how deeply all three of their histories and arcs intertwine throughout the entirety of TVC. Like, whether Louis knew it or not, the ball started rolling for him when Armand and Lestat first met in 1781.

[iguessitsjustme]

I swear to god I'm gonna start rewriting MDL summaries for shows. None of them are good. This is why I rarely read summaries before watching anything and prefer to go in blind. Because it's better than being tonally lied to. Like MDL will have a summary that leads me to believe a show is just a lighthearted fun show and then 10 minutes into the show I'll be like "Oh, oh no. This is gonna be traumatic." But by that point I'm invested

[tardis--dreams]

You know what? I give up on this paper once and for all. I'm not even ashamed anymore

[zhouxiangs]

this is a story about hate. this is a story about love. this is a story about a war. this is a story about a promise. this is a story about two souls reliving their tragedy time and again, carving it into the world like talons on flesh; they will always find each other, and they will always fall in love, and it will always end with them dying.

or maybe this isn't a story at all. maybe this is just a broken record, and maybe it's time to lift the needle.

(moulin rouge, baz luhrmann & craig pearce / deathless, catherynne m. valente / the letter, amy lowell / my heart, ibn hazm (translated by ammiel alcalay) / you too can have a body like mine, alexandra kleeman / a birthday, aleister crowley / wasted days, oscar wilde / symmetrical companion, may swenson / sonnet of the garland of roses, federico garcía lorca (translated by john k. walsh and francisco aragón) / deathless, catherynne m. valente / moulin rouge, baz luhrmann & craig pearce)

[femmeleatherface]

no context spoilers for the phantom of manhattan

this book is fucking TERRIBLE

[dandunn]

'don't ship that, ship THIS'

'why are people focused on THAT when they could look at THIS'

'bad media literacy nuance reading comprehension-'

'why is NO-ONE writing fic about-'

[commandermeg]

.

[randomingoftherandomness]

.