#At some point during the pandemic when me and my mum were both working from home

[movietonight]

The fact that Shawn canonically enjoys Magnum PI like of course he does. First of all he grew up in the 80s. Second of all Thomas Magnum is running around Hawai'i in booty shorts and half buttoned up hawaiian shirts, flirting with anything that moves, hanging out with his besties and solving cases by throwing lemons at people.

[world-of-wales]

Wait what’s the story with the covid vaccine center? Is it completely fabricated or is there a vaccine center the sussexes are taking credit for?

So during the second wave of covid in Mid 2021, the situation was very-very bad, I live in Delhi and my parents in Bombay and these cities were very badly it. The whole country was. I'm sure you saw news reports about it all.

Delhi was the worst hit. I think during that time as for the estimates by various journalists etc, every household in the city lost at least one member to Covid and related complications. My mum also lost her aunt because of complications after covid during this wave.

So at the time a lot of celebrities were jumping on to the train of trying to establish fundraisers etc to help. A lot of them never panned out or were ever mentioned it again because they got new bandwagons to jump on.

Now it was said that AW was collaborating with this organization which I don't remember the name of now to establish some community relief Center kind of a situation in Bombay. But the thing was that the press release or the articles along with the press release also mentioned that the same establishment would also serve as a covid vaccine center.

Now, community relief Center, that works. There were a lot of them during that time here, before that also and even now. But as for the vaccine center when the vaccine production started and when the inoculation of people started for covid, the government created a whole different kind of a setup which only allowed government government health centers, hospitals etc to be the one giving the vaccine to people. The reason for that was to make sure no dose goes to waste and everybody in the population gets at least the two doses which they needed to get.

They were monitoring how many doses were given to people at a particular centre, how many doses were left with the particular center in stock, how many doses were needed how many do how many people got the first dose, how many people got both the doses etc etc. There was separate app/website created to make sure that there was a record for every person's inoculation. It mentioned everything, the date they got inoculated etc. They were issuing a govt certificate to everyone through that too which stated how many doses one person got.

For a long time not even private hospitals in the contry were given the permission to give vaccines to people. This was the middle of the pandemic. Vaccine shortage was a big-big problem and the government needed to make sure nothing went into the black market market or if anybody with means try to take away doses for their own away from the people having a low income. ETC.

Thus the whole idea of them creating a vaccine inoculation center in collaboration with another charity in the middle of the city does not work. Only government health-centres and much-much later private hospitals were given the option to inoculate people.

The sux never mentioned it again, the center. No peep, nothing. But the thing is their fans try to always point to this thing that they established the vaccine centre in the country. they're the reason the reason people here got the vaccines. Newsflash they aren't. It just pisses me the hell off the way certain celebrities try to extract good PR and a better profile when it comes to such tragedies. Not even the Indian pm has been spared for his use of the covid situation as an election campaign and rightfully so. So ofc some other celebrity won't also.

So that's the whole thing in short.

[clbenvs3000f24]

❀Unit 1: my relationship with nature❀

One afternoon after I had gotten home from high school I remember sifting through some old childhood photos with my mum and she commented on how I was either barefoot in the grass, climbing trees and rocks, or accompanied by an animal in most of them. She had a point. Most of my childhood memories consisted of entire days spent outside playing with my sister until the golden hours of dusk crept in and our parents called us for dinner. My relationship with nature has always felt very playful, natural, and healing. Taking in the sights, smells, sounds, and textures of the planet feels sacred and spiritual on all levels for my mind, body, and soul.

[Long Island, NY. My happy place ♡]

My mum told me a story from when I was a toddler: one day we were walking through a park somewhere in Orillia with my grandpa and I stopped to hug every. single. tree. along the pathway. Not only that, but I also whispered “I love you” to each tree so none of them would feel left out. She admitted she never thought they’d make it back to the parking lot.

[Here is a photo of me admiring my x-mas tree.]

During recess in grades 1-2 I used to walk through the gardens and make little fairy houses out of sticks and leaves I carefully gathered while admiring all the flowers and buggies. I truly still believe that nature is utterly magical. My dad and I used to sit out on our back porch which, at the time, looked straight onto these giant hedges that were home to dozens of fireflies. My dad told me they were fairies and, thus, sparked my newfound obsession with exploring nature and watching the whimsy around me.

[My “magical” fairy garden. I was standing in front of my pumpkin patch I insisted on (inspired by Cinderella.) My dad still lets me pick out the garden vegetables every year.]

My love for nature and wildlife has led me into a lifestyle and field of work where I am constantly surrounded by animals and plants. I remember purchasing my first houseplant in 2020 during the pandemic. His name is Hubert and he’s sitting on my dresser right now. Winter was creeping in and I thought it could be a new hobby… little did I know where it would lead me. My bedroom could debatably be considered a mini jungle at this point.

This was Hubert 4 years ago when I first got him ♡

I’m not going to lie, it really stumped me when prompted with the question of who offered me a “sense of place.” I feel like I can’t attribute it to just one person or thing. I grew up listening to stories of my father travelling the world for work and my mother backpacking around South-east Asia, Australia, and Europe. They inspired me from the day I was born to explore.

[Jardin des Tuileries]

I also discovered a lot on my own and I give myself credit for that. The lessons of love, strength, and resilience that both plants and little creatures of the earth have shown me are a reminder every day to not take life for granted. I’ve spent hours in my hometown cemetery journaling, observing, and encountering wildlife. It’s times like these when I feel the most grounded, the most me. When I’m surrounded by nature I can’t help but feel completely at home.

[itsallyscorner]

Baby Mix → Baby Holland

The sequel to Baby Mix

Pairing: Little Mix member!reader x Tom Holland

Summary: The youngest member of Little Mix has something to reveal after not seeing the girls for months.

A/n: Set in Corona times, I know London lifted their lockdown restrictions for a while then initiated them again after. But anyway, this is set around that time when lockdown rules were lifted. I had so much fun writing this! I hope you all enjoy it🥰

You felt a rush of excitement and nervousness through your veins as you walked around your home, making sure every corner was clean. You entered the dining room and double checked each plate, checking to see if they all had the essential utensils, a napkin, and a wine glass. You trusted Tom to set up the table, but today was a big day and you wanted to make sure everything was perfect.

“Darling, you don’t need to triple check everything in the house. Nothing’s moved since the last you’ve looked at it.” Tom teases you as he enters the dining room from the kitchen. He wore a tight black shirt, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, with dark blue jeans. During the time in lockdown, his hair has grown out and he’s been working on his facial hair. You smiled at the 5 o’clock shadow that graced his face; it’s been known that he took forever to grow out facial hair, so to see that there was some light stubble on his face made him really happy. He was very proud of it.

“You look extremely hot right now.” You comment, meeting him in the middle of the room. His hands instantly place themselves at your waist, before one hand moves to rest on your growing stomach and the other on the small of your back.

“Is that the hormones talking?” He squints his eyes playfully at you. You gently shove him, only for him to pull you back closer into his chest. “No? I mean you always look good in whatever you wear. But it could possibly be the hormones?” You ramble.

Tom chuckles, his eyes gazing at you like you’re the only woman in the world. Well technically, you are the only woman in his world; besides his mum and grandma of course. But you were it for him, he wanted nobody else but you. Sure, you guys weren’t married, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t committed to you. The baby might’ve came before the wedding, but he will marry you one day.

“How are you feeling?” He asks you, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. Ever since the two of you have discovered you were pregnant, the morning sicknesses have gotten worse and worse. You were really hoping you’d be one of those lucky mothers who wouldn’t experience morning sickness, but with your luck it never happened. This morning you stumbled out the bed and into the toilet; today’s puke was probably the most horrible one this week, as gross as that sounds. Tom was behind you in an instant, tying your hair into a ponytail and rubbing soothing circles onto your back. It pained him to see you like this, he couldn’t do anything but hold your hair back, help you get your puke out, and whisper comforting things into your ear. He considered on canceling today’s event after you cleaned yourself up in the bathroom and snuggled back into the sheets, eyes red and puffy. Though when he mentioned on canceling, you declined immediately. You had both been anticipating today and you weren’t going to let some morning sickness postpone such a special event.

He looked at you concerned, scanning your face for any discomfort. Your lips quirk up to a fond smile as you kiss the worry away from him, “I’m doing much better than this morning, we’re both doing good.”

“That’s great, that’s all that matters to me right now.” He responds, pulling you into a hug. One thing you’ve noticed about Tom and your pregnancy was that he was very touchy and protective. Though he was already like that, it seemed like the pregnancy intensified his protectiveness, or just him in general. He was very alert of his surroundings, making sure everything was clean, that you were always comfortable, and that you weren’t experiencing any pain from the pregnancy. He was dedicated to making sure you were treated like a princess, you and your baby.

“You’ve got everything handled just in case they all come early right? I’m gonna head up and get dressed.” You pull away to look at him.

He nods at you, ensuring that he had everything under control, “Yeah, I’ve got it.” He pecks your lips before you pull away and head for the stairs. He watches your figure go up the stairs, just in case you trip or something, he would be there to catch you. When he sees you round the corner safely he yells, “Just give me a shout when you need something!”

He hears a faint “I know!” from upstairs and the sound of a door closing. He took that as his sign to get back in the kitchen and continue cooking. With the help from Sam, over FaceTime, Tom was able to get around the kitchen and make some proper food for your guests

~⏰~

You take one last look at yourself in the mirror. You wore leggings and an oversized knitted sweater that hid your small bump. You had light make up on, not bothering to put much since it was just the girls and you were all just having a casual lunch. You could already hear the commotion downstairs, Jesy’s contagious laughter, hints of Perrie and Jade’s voices, and Leigh-Anne gushing over some decorative piece in your house. You take a deep breath, preparing yourself to give them all the good news. In fact, they’re one of the first ones that will get to know about your and Tom’s secret. Your family and Tom’s being the first to find out the moment you both left the doctor’s office. The girls deserved to be part of the group who found out first, they were like your older sisters and have always been there for you since you’ve known them. They’re basically family.

You giddily head down the stairs with delight as the girls finally come onto view. Perrie screams, throwing herself off the couch and pulling you into a hug. You were stunned by the sudden force, though you tightly wrapped your arms around her, careful to not press your stomach against her.

“Oh! I’ve missed you so so much! It’s been so long, I hate being away from you all for months.” Perrie cried, pressing kisses onto your face. You laughed trying to dodger her.

“Let me smother you with love, I haven’t seen you in so long!” Perrie objected, hugging you one more time. “I miss you too, Pez.” You giggled kissing her cheek.

Jesy comes from behind Perrie and detaches her from you, “Babe, you look beautiful! You’re glowing, look at you!” Jesy cupped your cheeks then wrapped her arms around you.

“Oh my goodness, let me tell you, I didn’t even realize that was Tom.” She said when you both broke the hug. You burst out laughing, placing a hand on her arm.

“No seriously! I didn’t even know he can grow facial hair? I was expecting to see a boy answer the door not a man!” Jesy admits making you laugh even more at her genuinely shocked face.

“Are you still on about Tom and his beard?” Jade asks as she approaches you, Leigh-Anne right behind her.

“Isn’t it a shocker? I live with a man now.” You joke, wrapping your arms around Jade. She squeals, swaying the two of you side to side.

“Babe, your house is stunning!” Leigh-Anne compliments, hugging you and kissing your cheek. You wave her off, “You literally have a whole mansion. I still don’t understand how we have the same paycheck.”

You all settle in the living room for now, waiting for Tom to call for lunch. You could smell the delicious aroma of whatever Tom was cooking in the kitchen and your stomach couldn’t help but growl. Jesy eyes your stomach, “What’ve you got in your stomach? That sounded like an animal.” For a moment you were caught off guard at the mention of your stomach. You eyes widen for a second as you glance down at where your sweater was bunched up.

“Uh—I’m just really hungry.” You brush off her comment, face getting flustered. Jade playfully shakes her head glancing at the kitchen, “Has Thomas not been feeding you right?”

“No—he’s been absolutely amazing! Spending lockdown with him was a dream.” You answer chuckling. Perrie crosses her arms, “Lucky, I had lockdown with a football player. Do you know how difficult it is to live with one?”

“It couldn’t have been that bad?” Leigh-Anne chimed in, sipping on a glass of wine. Perrie huffs leaning forward in her seat, “I felt like a bloody housewife the whole time. I had to keep restocking my fridge every week because he eats everything—like seriously, our food never lasted till the weekend. Alex kept on eating my snacks that I had to start hiding them from him.”

“Are we not going to talk about how Jade found love during a worldwide pandemic?” Jesy mentions pointing at Jade, who has a teasing smile on her face.

She waves her finger at Jesy, “Nuh uh, we aren’t talking about that yet.” You gasp, “And why not?”

“We’re still getting to know each other, I don’t want to rush into things, ya know?” Jade’s face contorts in thought. “Like we’ve done a virtual date on Zoom and have been texting each other back and forth, we’ll see where it goes.”

“You’ll be fine and you’re taking things slow, you should be familiar with each other first before fully committing.” Leigh-Anne assured her. All eyes fell on Leigh-Anne then down to her left hand.

“HOLD ON—LET ME SEE THE RING IN PERSON!” You yell jumping off the couch to where Leigh-Anne was sitting. You sit beside her and take her left hand admiring the giant diamond on her ring finger.

“I can’t believe you’re engaged, I’m so happy for you Lee.” You gush pulling her into a side hug. She nudges your shoulder, gesturing to Tom, “You might be next.” She winked.

“You know, I think Perrie’s gonna be the next one actually.” You smirk at the blonde who rolls her eyes. “Like what Jade said, we’ll see.” She hums shrugging. Your stomach growls again making Leigh-Anne glance at your stomach.

“Oh my goodness” she laughs, moving to look for Tom. “Tom, is lunch ready yet? Your girlfriend’s stomach keeps growling!” You hear something clang in the kitchen before Tom pops his head out, “Lunch’s ready, I was just waiting for you ladies to wrap up the chit chat.”

You all move to the dining room where Tom had laid out the food. He’s made pasta, with some steak, Caprese salad, and garlic bread. Jesy makes a content sound as she scans the food on the table before taking a seat.

“I must say Tom, I’m quite impressed with the food.” Jesy compliments Tom. A proud smile forms on Tom’s face, his eyes switching between you and Jesy. “You heard that darling? Jesy just complimented me.”

“I know, I heard her Tom.” You laugh patting his chest. He pulls your seat out for you, then sits in the chair on your right side while Jesy was on your left. Across from you three were Perrie, Jade, and Leigh-Anne.

“We could eat now right?” Jade asks while reaching out for the pasta’s serving fork.

“Yeah, yeah, go ahead.” Tom nods his head at the food. You hear a whine behind you distracting you from the delicious food Tom made. Behind your chair was Tessa who tried to nuzzle herself between your and Tom’s chairs. Not only had Tom grown even more protective of you, but so has Tessa. The sweetheart trailed after you everywhere you go, she stayed in the same room you were in and would lay beside your feet. Though Tom was her rightful owner, she would bark at him whenever he got a little too close to you or your stomach. Tom wasn’t going to lie, he did feel upset and envious that his precious princess barely paid him any mind anymore. But to know that she was only doing it to protect you and her future sibling warmed his heart, so he got over it in an instant.

“Tess, no.” Tom softly scolded the dog trying to shoo her away from the table. She only let out more whines making your heart break. You placed a hand on Tom’s, “Just let her stay, she won’t bother anyone.” Tom nods and pats Tessa’s head.

Lunch goes by splendidly, it was full of laughs and catching up with each other’s lives. It was nice to finally be surrounded by your favorite people in the world after months being apart. Everyone enjoyed the food, complimenting Tom on his excellent work and not burning the kitchen down. Wine and drinks were passed around except for you, who stuck with a water and a small amount of soda. Usually you would also be drinking, clinking glasses with Jade as you down your drinks, but thankfully no one had caught on yet.

“Sorry, we’ve all been rambling about our experiences during the lockdown, what about you two? (Y/n)? Tom? You’ve both been quiet about your experience together.” Leigh-Anne apologized shifting the conversation to you and Tom.

“You could leave the shagging parts out, we already know what went down in this poor house.” Jade poked at you, sending an over exaggerated wink your way. You shake your head and turn back to Tom. The two of you share a look, the look, and make a silent agreement that it was time to announce the big news.

“Well we’ve been busy. You know, we’ve both been doing lots of promo. I’ve been promoting my new film and (y/n)‘s promoting the album with you guys.” Tom started, making normal conversation.

“Most of the time was spent resting, we took advantage of the free time before we have to go on tour and he has to go away for filming.” You continue. The girls nod understanding the situation.

“What did you guys do on the daily though?”

“Lots of puzzles!” Tom answers. “We had the typical move nights and shit.”

“We did lots of baking too!” You add glancing at Tom, who nods along with you. “We’ve actually got a bun in the oven right now!” You say, emphasizing your words. Leigh-Anne and Jesy share a look instantly catching on. Jade’s mouth gapes, her hand holding the wine glass going limp.

“After all this time! Thomas, it’s probably burning by now, shouldn’t you go and check on it?” Perrie scolds, turning back to the kitchen to catch a peek at the oven. She looks excitedly at you two, “What kind of bun have you guys made?”

Jesy’s eyes pan over to Perrie in disbelief, it was like the salad in the box situation all over again. Leigh-Anne holds her palm up to her mouth as the news sinks in. Jade swats Perrie’s arm, “A human one!”

Perrie’s eyes widen in fear, “A human bun? Like cannibalism?” Tom made a sound of confusion, his brows furrowing at her. You stifle a laugh behind your hand as you wait for Perrie to realize.

“They’re having a baby, Pez!” Jesy yelled making Perrie’s eyes grow in shock. The gears move in her head, “OH! Bun in the oven—BUN IN THE OVEN? You’re pregnant?” She screams shooting out of her chair.

You laugh hiding behind your hands. Jesy grabs onto your wrist, pulling it down, and holding your hand. “Wait, are you actually pregnant? You’re not tricking us?”

You shake you head, a giant smile gracing your lips, eyes getting glossy. “I wouldn’t lie to you guys, you guys are gonna be aunts.” You confirm squeezing Jesy’s hand. She gasps pulling you into a hug. Behind you she reaches a hand and playfully shoves Tom, “As if turning her into you wasn’t enough, you just had to insert yourself into her and make another one of you?”

Tom shrugs, though a smile was also on his face, “Hey, to be fair, you might like this one more than me.” Jesy gets up from her seat and approaches Tom.

“Give me a hug, you div.” She ruffles his hair like an older sister would and wraps her arms around him. Tom chuckles hugging her back.

“I know I give you a lot of shit, but I’m so happy that she ended up with you and not some dickhead. Congrats Tom.” She mutters into his ear, before pulling away from the hug and patting his back. Tom looks at her teary eyed, “Thank you Jes.”

“Wait—no! You’re our baby, you can’t have a baby yet. Stop growing!” Perrie cries coming around the table to engulf you in her arms. This time she was actually crying, tears of joy streaming down her face.

“But Pez, I’m already growing.” You giggle, pulling away from her to lift you knitted sweater up to reveal your small baby bump. The girls gasp, while you and Tom stare proudly at your stomach. Jade and Leigh-Anne join Perrie to hover over your stomach. Jesy looks from over your shoulder, staring at the top of your stomach.

“Can we please touch it?” Leigh-Anne asks quietly, looking up at you and Tom for permission.

“Go ahead.” You assure them. Jesy squeezes your arms, resting her chin on your shoulder. Leigh-Anne, Perrie, and Jade’s hands delicately come into contact with your stretched skin, fascinated by your little bump. Jade pouts as she strokes your belly with her thumb, “Oh, you’re so precious.” She coos.

Perrie rests her palm against your belly, “How far along are you?” You look at Tom over your shoulder, who’s been watching the special moment unfold between you and the girls.

“Four months.” Tom answers, the grin on his face feeling permanent as he talked about his little bean.

“Four months?” Jesy shrieked whipping her head to look at you and Tom.

“Yup, we wanted to tell you guys as soon as we found out but we decided to keep it a little secret for as long as we can.” You explain. “But then my stomach began growing and it’d be obvious, so we decided to tell you guys now since it’s still early.”

“Does anyone else know?” Leigh-Anne asks, hand still resting on your belly.

“Our families know, along with his best mates. But you guys are part of the first few people who know about it.” You reply. Perrie hums softly, cupping your cheek and pressing a kiss onto it.

“You’re the first people I’ve told who aren’t my immediate family.” You laugh. The girls began tearing up again.

“I can’t believe you guys told us.” Jade wipes her eye with the pads of her fingers.

“Why wouldn’t I? You guys are important to me and I love you all so much! You all deserve to know about it before everyone else.” The girls “aww” at you and pull you into a group hug, one of their hands still resting on you belly.

“I can’t believe you’re pregnant, oh my god.” Leigh-Anne expressed, her hand still on your bump.

“It’s hilarious how we were saying you were gonna be the first one to start a family. All of a sudden little missy over here gets knocked up.” Jesy points at Leigh-Anne before giving Tom the stink eye.

“Did they not teach you how to use protection in school?” She playfully teases Tom, back to her usual picking on him. “Or is your pull out game just that weak?” Perrie gasps, covering your belly with both her hands, “Jes! There’s a baby!”

Tom’s mouth drops, his face feigning shock, “You know, I really thought we were having a great moment here, Jes.”

Jesy scoffs, “Moment’s over—have you never heard of ‘Don’t be silly, protect your Willie’?” Everyone pauses before bursting out laughing at Jesy’s comment.

The night ended with the girls making plans of who would be the fun aunt and who would spoil Baby Holland the most. Jesy and Jade debated over being the fun aunt while Perrie and Leigh-Anne tried to outdo each other on who would spoil the baby with the most toys and clothes. Your belly was the main star of the night; the girls occasionally stroking your belly or pressing light little kisses onto it. As you both listened to the girls argue about who would be the baby’s favorite, you and Tom knew that your little baby would be in good hands with four amazing aunts to watch over them.

🦋tags:

*tags with a cross don’t work*

@waxingmoonwrites @slutforsebstan @starslazyandcosy @xkonpinkx @dummiesshort @gypsystuf @kielemarie @wroetospidey @thatgirlangelb @have-aheart @adayasgeorgia @xeniarocks @sarcasticallywitty15 @agustdowney

[astormyjet]

Winter of 2018 - Summer of 2021 TIME FILES WHEN YOU’RE IN YOUR 20s!!!!

OH BOY. It’s been three years (or more) since I updated this. “Time is a weird soup!” to quote a fave. I guess I quit tumblr around the time there was a purge of content and creators and a smack down on a lot of the fandom communities. Tumblr has always been something of a crapshow though so I’ve been more productive with my time than I was in some ways, but I’ve also found other ways to waste my time. *cough twitter/netflix/youtube/MTGArena cough*.

General Life Achievements since 2018 -JLPT N3 GET in 2019! -Blackbelt GET in 2018! -TESOL 120 Hour and BE 50 Hour Cert from online provider GET in 2021 -STUDENT LOAN BANISHED (Thank you grandparents) -Survived Apartment flooding in early 2020. -Mystery anxiety related illness and chronic pain in my left leg from early 2020 - Present. -A mythical 6th and 7th year on the JET Programme. -Started posting on Instagram a lot more about my wanderings around Matsuyama/Uwajima. Mainly old buildings and stray cats. @astormyknight -Surviving so far in Japan with old rona-chan.

2018 was rough. I was given an additional school in the first semester (March to July) as we had someone find a better job. I enjoyed it, but it was a bit of a rough go especially when I was transferred that August after three fantastic years at Tsubaki JHS and ES and only a semester there. I legit went through the five stages of grief - which I think is another reason I stopped blogging. I was given my current base school along with four other schools. Going from 2(3) to 5 schools was a bit of an adjustment. I still feel a bit spread out.

That said, I keep running into teachers and students who were at the Tsubaki’s. The teachers shuffle around every April, so it's always a lottery with which new faces are going to be old friends (or enemies…). A couple of kids moved and transferred into my current schools from Tsubaki too. So I have one kid I can say I've been teaching for 6 out of the 7 years I've been here!

One of the kids who was in JHS 3rd grade when I first got here (in 2015!) hangs out around one of my favorite cafes, so I got chatting with him recently. He's in his second year of nursing school - his class nearly broke me in the first year, it was really a trial by fire with those kids. I was 22 then, and he’s 20 now, so it was interesting chatting to him about that first year of teaching. His younger sister was one of my favorite students too, she was in the group of kids that graduated in the March of 2018, the year group that went through Tsubaki JHS with me - they’re newly minted University students now!

This Thursday morning when I was cycling in to work, a kid who was 2nd year JHS when I left  (so 2nd or 3rd year JHS now) pulled up with their Mum in a van and got their mamachari out of the back to bike to school. The franticness of it all was hilarious. Their Mum legit sat on the horn until I pulled over. I was so happy to run into this kid, even at social distance and both of us late to work/school - because we both remembered each other and as they were going around the corners they were yelling each time they turned and humming the old elementary school directions chant and pelting me with questions about what I’ve been up to.

I've had so many students and schools now, that everything is kind of running into a blur. I remember flashes of kids faces and voices, random memories of in class or out of class shenanigans out of the blue. Also, I now, more than ever, have issues remembering kids' names, but I still know their faces (even with their masks), whose homeroom class they were in, who their friends were and which club they were in. I get random flashbacks to past conversations with them when I see them on the street or we run into each other. I feel bad because the first thing former students ask is ‘Do you remember my name?’ and I always have to be like, ‘Honestly, no, but I remember you did this on x day, x month in x classroom’.

Socially in 2018 -2019 - a few of our friends went home and things shook up a little. Our DnD group changed a bit - one of our players stepped into the role forever DM (THANK YOU RALPH). From memory the newbies were great - some of them just went home at the start of last month and it’s weird not seeing them around (JESS DO YOUR BEST!). I think we only have one or two people left from that rotation. There’s no 6th year ALTs, and only two 5th years.

Aug 2018 - Aug 2019 was the year of Hiura - my mountain school. Dang man, they were so cool. The students of the JHS and the ES combined barely hit 30, so each class was between 3-10 students depending on the grade. It was easier to get to know the kids, their abilities and their goals than it has been for me at other schools. I miss it so bad, being in nature once a week did my country-kid heart so good! The bugs! The frogs! The river! The mountain! The monkeys! The lizards! The dilapidated houses and hidden shrines!!!! The random crabs in the English room...I forgot that there was such a thing as freshwater crabs, and being right next to a river, the invasion wasn’t as out of place as I first thought...  

The area is so picturesque and calming. Every week up there was a small adventure (after getting over my motion sickness from the bus ride up). The kids were constantly pranking either myself or the main English teacher. There was always some new weird bug or lizard in a tank to be educated about. There were chickens on the way to the JHS that used to escape from their cardboard box prisons to run riot on the gardens. There were old people to freak out with my youth and foreignness! The kids also got to do a lot of extra classes, sumiyakai (making charcoal the traditional way), planting and maintaining rice paddies, setting up vegetable gardens, raising fireflies, conserving a special breed of fire lily (only found in this particular mountain valley) and another rare flower, wilderness training ect.

I wish I could have stayed there a lot longer but SOMEONE (read...the BoE) decided that schools had to be shuffled again(thank goodness the dude who has it now was able to keep it from the 2021 shuffle, he's the best fit for the school). I had so many good memories from there, I wish I had been more consistent in writing it down. I do have a bunch of photos and videos from there though, so that's nice. The only thing I don’t miss is the bus trip up and down - not only was it motion sickness, there was a healthy dose of fear each ride as the driver brought us perilously close to the edge of the mountain drop…

2019 - 2020 was interesting. With the school I got given instead of the Hirua’s I was roped into more demonstration lessons which was a lot of pressure because I was also involved quite heavily with the JHS observation and training lessons too. They were somewhat rewarding, the third graders are now super smart 5th graders, but the teachers  who need to embrace the new curriculum and ways of teaching really haven’t taken on anything from the lessons....

Outside of work as well, I was given the chance, thanks to an ALT buddy of mine, to join in with the local festival. It's been one of the biggest highlights of my time here, and I am gutted it’s been cancelled for the last two years, but I understand the reason…. I was able to travel to Okinawa too during that summer for an international Karate seminar with the Dojo I train with. I met the head of the style I currently practice and a bunch of people from around the world. I also got to see Shuri castle before it burned down. So that was a stroke of luck. One of the places I want to go when/if we get out of this pandemic is Okinawa. I want to see more of those Islands so bad. Just before the whole pandemic thing too - I managed to see the Rugby World Cup, a Canada vs NZ match, I even ran into Tana Umanga in Oita city!!!

2019 - 2020 was supposed to be my last year on JET, so I was frantically Job hunting. I went to the Career Fair in Osaka in early Feb/Late January 2020. I applied and got interviewed for a position in Sendai in early Jan 2020. In the end though - the Rona hit. We started hearing whispers of it around the end of 2019, then the cruise boats happened, and then Japan refused to cancel the Olympics...every holiday season there is a new wave of infections, my nurse friends in Tokyo are struggling....my teacher friends in more populous areas of Japan are struggling…

JET couldn't get new ALTs for 2020-2021, I took the extra year when it was eventually offered, as the one job I had managed to get a serious offer for was hesitating because with the rona setting in, things were uncertain. There was a lot of time spent adjusting to the new rules surrounding what we could do in class with the kids as well as textbook change. Schools shut on and off during the spring months. 

I also got a reminder of my mortality mid May with an unrelated illness which is still smacking me around a bit - stress/age, it does things to the human body it has no right to. It's only been in the last three months I’ve been able to exercise like I used to, I’ve put on a bunch of weight I can't shrug off (one part medication, another part diet) My relationship with food needs to change, and I really need a kitchen that allows me for more than one pan meals. I also need to figure out what to do with a left leg that is in constant pain from the knee down and a heart that misses beats when stressed out (mentally and physically…). 

My apartment also got flooded by the guy upstairs at one point, I spent most of late February/early March living in a hotel while my walls and floor got redone - I think this was one of the things that really stressed me out and kicked my anxiety right up a notch, it was right when things were getting REALLY bad with rona-chan in Hokkaido and schools were shutting down here as it was filtering into the prefecture and so Japan closed schools for the first time…

Classes in covid times have been weird. We’ve been wearing facemasks full time since the early stages of the pandemic (March 2020) - so I admit that I get a bit pissed off seeing both Americans and New Zealanders back home bitching about just having to start wearing them full time in public. I have asthma and have been suffering with the things on during the 30*C plus with high 90s humidity summers. Teachers were offered vaccines late July 2021, just days before the Olympics were open - and I finished my two shots in the middle of August. But the overall distribution and take up of the jab has been slow.  As mentioned above, we can't play a lot of the games we used to play with kids in classes anymore, and a lot of the activities outlined in the textbook curriculum need to be adjusted too, so we’ve had to be creative. We use hand sanitizer a lot more too. One of the things I miss the most though, is eating lunch with the kids.

Socially from summer 2020 - now 2021 we played a lot of DnD and board games, both online and in person when we could. There were no new ALTs again for the 2021-2022 JET year, and those of us who were in 6th year were offered a 7th. Four out of six of us took it. As a whole we’re down from a peak of 38 ALTs for Junior High and Elementary school to 22 for now. We hopefully will get a new person at the end of September, and 4 more in November. Which will bring us to 27. This has led to ANOTHER round of school shuffles.

Summer vacation has been weird the last two years. With rona-chan, we haven’t really been able to travel. All the summer festivals (all the Autumn and Winter ones too!) have been cancelled, so the changing of seasons just feels, wrong. I dunno. There is so much we all miss from pre-rona-chan, and so much that doesn’t happen that makes this just feel like one long long unending year of sadness, coldness, raininess, unbearable heat and repeat. I’m tired. Time is going so fast, but so.dang.slow.

I lost my favorite school (AGAIN GDI!!!) and gained the school I taught a semester at in 2019....I had my first day there on Wednesday. Schools actually started back on September 1st so there was some drama as the BoE didn’t communicate fast enough about our school changes. We legit got told on the 27th of August (on a Friday) our schools were changing effective September 1st, but somehow some of our schools found out on the Monday 30th August. In July we were told we would be changing schools at the end of September, so.a lot of ALTs and schools were left short changed, not having opportunities to say goodbye to co-workers or students/having their planning for the semester more or less thrown out the window too. I love my job. I really dislike the way the BoE treats us, the Japanese assistant language teachers and our schools.

The new school I have is used to having an ALT there twice a week, who plans all the lessons and executes them. I’m at three elementary schools. I'm only at each once a week, I want to plan, but being that I miss an entire lesson in between visits, it's going to be difficult to do so. Not impossible, but being that I'm already doing it for two other schools, who are at two different places in the textbook ah…….. From what I have talked to my new supervisor about though, it sounds like the teachers have taken on more of the lesson planning and I'll be able to contribute ideas when I'm there. I just want to and wish I could do more without being confused all the time. (This is all usually done in my second language too, not in English so extra levels of confusion and miscommunication abound).

 I feel like this at my JHS too a lot of the time. I want to contribute more, but even with constant communication with my main in school supervisor (who is a badass and pretty much on the same page about everything with me) I still feel about as useful as tits on a bull. Especially now that classes have been cancelled and or shortened, there's less time to do stuff. Any game or activity I plan is usually cut in favor of making up time in the textbook. When I'm in class, I'm back to being a tape recorder, the fun police and general nuisance.　

Also in the last week...my two of my schools were  shut due to students testing positive for the rona. This is the second time my schools have had a scare in the last 8 months. And by shut, I mean the students were all at home, but the teachers  all had to come into the office. Because why not I guess….. I mean,  the cases increasing is really not unexpected with the amount of people who were travelling over obon and the increase of cases due to the Olympics/Japan being slow on vaccinating/delta being the dominant strain/Japan's leaders doing relatively little except asking shops and restaurants to limit people coming in at one time and closing before 8pm. I know my schools weren't the only one shut either - but still High Schools were having their sports days this week. I kept on seeing groups of kids hanging in the park after, so that was a little bit nerve wracking.

It's just frustrating - we’ve been on half days to “minimize the risk of infection” for kids and teachers, as if only being at school from 8am through to 1pm is going to reduce the risk.  My schools have only just started testing out Microsoft teams and Zoom lesson equipment. Thankfully our school’s run in this time was contained real quick, the family was super good about informing us when they got their results back, and the fact they needed to be tested. The homeroom teacher and the students from the same class were the only ones tested, and they all came back clear, which was nice. But the information came back so SLOW. 

I’m a little irritated because I found out on Wednesday night what was going on, and even if I am vaccinated, I am super worried that I will end up being the covid monkey due to being at different schools three days out of five. I think other than being worried that I will catch it myself and get real sick, my biggest fear is that I will be protected from bad symptoms from the vaccine, but still be able to pass it onto some of my more vulnerable friends and students. The whole thing is a mess.  

Other than Covid and BoE drama, life is good. I’ve had a couple of other big changes - both fantastic and not so great, but yeah.  I have my health (and health insurance!) for now. I have a job, for now. I have a sense of existential dread for the next 12 months, but we’ll see where we end up. Life post JET is going to be way less cushy and I am TERRIFIED. I mean, I have a BA in Eng/Ling and no idea what to do with it…..because I am NOT suited for academia.

TLDR: Love my job. Don’t like the system. What is life? Future scary. 

[eroticcannibal]

Common myths and misconceptions about home education

So in case anyone has somehow missed it, I have recently become a Big supporter of home education in a very lefty way, which has meant I have had to challenge a lot of views I have previously held about home education and that I know a lot of other lefties hold too. I am of the opinion that embracing home education, not as a last resort, but as the primary form of education for as many children as possible, is a vital part of achieving the required shifts in society needed to meet the goals of most leftists. So I am taking it on myself to convince you all that it is a very good thing, and also to clear up some misconceptions people have about home education that may make them feel they are unable to do it.

(A note, I am from the UK and shall be using UK terminology and specifics regarding law, policy and other such things will be from a UK perspective. I shall be using the term home education, as that is the legal term in the UK and is distinct from home schooling, which is the term for what school children have been doing during the pandemic.)

And I would also like to extend a quick thanks to Education Otherwise and the mods at Home education and your local authority for teaching me A LOT.

Have any questions about anything I’ve not covered here? Just let me know!

1. “Home education is illegal.”

- Sadly, home education is illegal or restricted to the point of inaccessibility in most of the world. From the research I have done, it seems that only the US and the UK have reasonable laws around home education (if I am using a very broad definition of reasonable, it is still not great). I do hope I can change this section soon, and I would *heavily* encourage people to campaign for the right to home educate post pandemic, perhaps cite any benefits learning at home has provided to children, perhaps???

2. “Home education is a tool used by religious fundamentalists to brainwash children!”

- This is a view many hold, and for good reason. For many of us, when we think of home education, we think of christian fundamentalists in the deep south of America, pulling their children out of school to avoid the liberal agenda. The truth is, anything can be used as a tool of indoctrination. This can happen in home education, and it can happen and has happened in schools too. In my own communities we have had instances of schools being a site of religious radicalization of children. The reality is this is far too complex and deep an issue to be solved by deeming any particular form of education as “bad”. I am not an expert on how best to deal with such issues, but I do feel that things like outreach and building a healthy community with otherwise more isolated religious groups would be a better way to address these issues.

3. “You need to have x qualification to home educate.”

- Again, a reasonable view to hold, given that state run and private education does require educators to hold certain qualifications, but in practice it quickly becomes evident the same does not necessarily have to apply with home education. Educational qualifications are very much focused on delivering an education in a classroom, which is a far cry from home education. During our home education of our child, my partner, who is a qualified SEN TA, has struggled far more than I have with educating our SEN child, despite the fact I hold no qualifications.

We live in amazing times when it comes to education. There are many things that parents and communities have to teach a child, and there are many things a child can teach to themself if given the tools to do so. You can even learn together! Their are endless resources available, books and games and documentaries, and even home education groups and private tutors if you feel that is the right fit for your child. You don’t need a piece of paper for your child to spend a day with their nose buried in a book, or to help the neighbor with his vegetable patch, or to cuddle up on the sofa while watching Planet Earth.

4. “You are required to follow the national curriculum.”

- This does vary by country (that allows home education). As a general rule, the stricter a country is about who can home educate, the stricter they are about what must be taught. In the UK, you are not required to follow the national curriculum. Education must be “efficient” and suited to the child’s “age, aptitude and ability”, and LAs do require that english and maths are covered. Other than that, you are allowed to tailor the content of education to the child and their interests. We have recently dropped geography for now and are only just picking up history again. It has also given us the freedom to focus on areas our child needs that would not be covered in mainstream education, such as anxiety management, trauma processing, self care and hygiene.

5. “Home education looks like school/is just filling out workbooks/etc”

- The thing you will always hear from experienced home educators when you begin home education is “home education doesn’t need to be school at home”. Much like you can tailor the content of the learning to the child, you can also tailor the delivery to the child. Some child need structure, timetable, instructions. Some need freedom and to bounce between topics. Some need to have an hour learning maths and only maths, some need to go dig up your garden “for science”. Some want to learn every day, some will need extended breaks.

Learning happens all the time, from the moment they wake to the moment they sleep. As an example, at home we have some workbooks, as both me and my child have ADHD and need someone to go “ok learn this” rather than us having to work out for ourselves what we need to cover for core subjects like english and maths. For the rest of most days my child is left to their own devices to binge youtube and netflix and work on their art. We try and go for a woodland walk every few days, where we have Deep Discussions about all kinds of topics, and we are also working on growing edible plants and baking cakes from around the world. We are more hands-off at the moment, due to the current bout of anxiety, but when that settles again we will get back to history themed crafts and STEM activities. Post-pandemic, we will be signing our kid up for swimming classes and “after school” clubs, and looking at sending them down to my mum for the home ed groups where she lives, like the forest school. A lot of home education outside of a pandemic is in groups and community based, or will make use of libraries and museums and other public learning opportunities. Frequently very little will happen at home.

In fact many home educators will advise new families to “deschool” for a while before jumping in to learning. This is a period where you “get school out of your system”, and just exist. Learning does not have to be intentional, you will be surprised how much you can achieve by just having fun.

6. “Home education is expensive.”

- It can be, ask my bank account. However, it is perfectly possible to deliver a quality education with little to no money. I’m not saying it’s easy, but it’s doable. Their are many online resources for free (check out oak academy), and libraries have plenty available too. Even paid resources can be very cheap if you know where to look. (psst, if your kid thrives with worksheets and powerpoints, get yourself a twinkl subscription, download everything you need for a year then cancel it.)

(This does not apply to exams. Get saving!)

7. “Home educated children are not properly socialised.”

- This is only really true during the pandemic. The rest of the time, home educated children are free to socialise whenever they want, with whoever they want, in whatever setting they choose. Socialisation while home educating is in the opinions of many of a higher quality, as they are not limited to groups of a similar age and background. Many home educating families form groups for their children to socialise together too. For ND children especially, socialising while home educated can be far less stressful and far more fulfilling than in school.

8. “Home educated children won’t get qualifications.”

- Just plain not true. Arranging qualifications can be costly and time consuming, but it is possible and regularly done. Some children may return to school or college to access exams for free, and I have heard of a handful of cases where individuals were able to secure prestigious university places without any qualifications. Home education also allows for more freedom with how exams and qualifications are approached, for example, many home educated children will pick one GCSE to focus on at a time, rather than covering numerous topics over 2 years and having exams for all of them at once like children in school will.

9. “Home education is a safeguarding risk/is used to cover up abuse/home educated children are not seen.”

- In the UK at least, home education is not considered a safeguarding risk, no matter what authorities may tell you, nor are home educated “not seen”. They still visit medical professionals, they still engage with their communities.

Now I shall add the relevant paper here should I find it again, but the idea that home education is used to cover up abuse to a statistically significant degree, or that home educated children are at more risk of abuse, is false. Home educating families do face a significantly higher risk of social services involvement than other families, but far less abuse is found in comparison to other families. It is also worth considering, when talking about social services involvement, that many families pursue home education due to failures by schools regarding a child’s vulnerabilities. In most cases, especially the Big Ones, where a home educated child is abused, the child was already known to authorities as a victim of abuse, therefore home educating did nothing to hide said abuse.

Children are also routinely abused in schools, which is another common reason for home educating.

10. “Home education has to be monitored or approved.”

- Depends on the country, I know in Japan home education is monitored by schools, however in the UK, monitoring is not lawful. Local authorities may make informal enquiries to ensure a suitable education is being facilitated (keep EVERYTHING in writing and please go straight to “home education and your local authority” group on FB for advice, you WILL need it!). In England, if your child is in mainstream education, you can deregister at will, from a special school will require LA approval. In Scotland deregistering requires LA approval. (Again, head to the aforementioned group for advice).

11. “You can’t work/get an education while home educating”

- It is hard to balance work, education and educating your child, but it is possible, people do it every day. Obviously, having at least one parent free to educate unhindered at all times is an ideal situation, but in the real world it often does not work that way. Parents may have to home educate regardless of their other commitments if a child truly needs to escape the school system. Many parents work or learn from home, and sometimes it is even possible to combine these activities with home education. Professional artists and crafters can pass down their skills while working, distance learners can invite their children to sit in on lectures. The really great thing about home education is it is flexible. Do you have a whole day of meetings? Let the kid play minecraft all day! Going to be in the office all day? Drop the kid off at the local forest school or something else they can do all day. Drop them with the grandparents to help with the gardening!

12. “Home educated are behind/achieve less than school children.”

- Their is no evidence that home education is of a lower quality than school education. Many children are home educated specifically because the school environment was detrimental to their education, and thrive with home education. Plenty of children are able to learn more simply by having 1-to-1 attention, without the distraction of an entire class. And others may well be “behind”, and are educated at home because of their specific needs that mean they will never thrive in an academic setting, so they are allowed to focus on learning skills that will allow them to live independently.

[ukrfeminism]

A new mother with a six-week-old baby said she will take her newborn to breastfeed while she does jury service in protest over “ludicrous rules” that prevent her deferring her duty.

Kirsty Keating told The Independent she will do this even though she fears it could harm her baby boy’s well-being as she condemned rules forcing her to do jury duty while breastfeeding.

The 38-year-old said she had tried to defer her jury service for a later date when she is not breastfeeding but her request has been refused.

She added: “Obviously it is much better for his development and well-being to be home. His dad is here. It is the environment he is used to and comfortable in. He sits on play mats with noises, colours, and shapes.

“It is much more preferable to spending time talking about potentially damaging things. I could be called in for a rape or murder case. He is very little but you don’t know how much they absorb.

“I doubt there is going to be colour and shapes supporting his developmental needs in the court room. The rules put you between a rock and a hard place. No woman should be forced away from her newborn for such a long length of time.”

Ms Keating, who works communications, said having the request to defer jury duty refused has made her feel “really stressed” - adding that she had an email explicitly confirming her jury service this week after asking to appeal the decision.

“I would be devastated to have to leave him at home or take him with me to court,” she added. “The idea you should take a baby to court is ludicrous. Not only is that unfair on baby. It is not fair for everyone else. I would do it to make a point but I’d hate to do it.”

The mother-of-one argued it is “hypocritical” for the government to recommend breastfeeding for six months yet demand new mothers come into jury service while they are breastfeeding.

She said she is not sleeping properly and is “completely exhausted” - adding that if a woman does not have her new child with her she is likely to be worrying whether they are okay.

She added: “The government is incredibly old fashioned. It needs a massive shakeup. They need to look at departments and see where there are sexist or hypocritical policies. I’m pretty sure these policies were made by middle-aged men decades ago.”

She argued many mothers of new babies are “completely overwhelmed” so having to challenge a request to do jury service could be “terrifying” for them.

“Not everyone has that in them in a time like this,” she added. “I am so busy. There are some days when I don’t have breakfast or don’t have lunch until 3 or 4pm. And that is with my husband working at home. We are slammed between the two of us.”

Requesting to defer jury service would be “really daunting” for a woman who does not have strong written English skills, she added.

Ms Keating explained she had been forced to defer the jury service she was supposed to do last August due to her mother being terminally ill and being told she only had a year to live. She also asked to defer because she was due to start a new job a day after the jury service started.

She said: “My mum died a week after I got letter confirming it was deferred. Both requests to defer are linked to literal life and death issues. Last time was because my mum was dying. Now I have a new life to look after. If that is not important enough what is.”

Ms Keating said there is an inquest into her mother’s death in the next few weeks as she warned the treatment she received was not up to scratch due to health professionals “pushing routine things like cancer to the side” during the pandemic.

The ordeal comes after another new mother hit out at “nightmare” rules that forced her to do jury service, in an interview withThe Independent back in April. Zoe Stacey said the saga had left her highly anxious.

But after The Independent contacted the Ministry of Justice, Ms Stacey was told she would in fact be excused.

Ros Bragg, director of Maternity Action, said breastfeeding women are not in a position to take part in jury duty.

She added: “It is extremely unreasonable to ask breastfeeding mothers to take part in jury service. Babies will keep them up at night. Babies need to be comforted when distressed. This is wholly incompatible with jury services. It seems obvious to us that government should make a special exemption for breastfeeding mothers.

“Parents of very young babies who have taken leave from work to care for their babies should also be exempt. It is also not realistic to expect parents to simultaneously care for their children and take part in court proceedings.”

Ellie Reeves, the shadow solicitor general, previously called for the justice secretary to ensure mothers of newborn babies are exempt from jury service. She condemned the government for not having proper mechanisms to stop mothers on maternity leave from being called to jury service.

The Ministry of Justice has been approached for comment.

[jaffacakerebellion]

I posted this on Saturday but I really need people to hear this

There was a protest in my city today, by a group called ‘white rose’. They were protesting lockdowns, masks and vaccinations. They’d stuck up stickers all over a certain area, outside a library, near a university campus, and around a park. It scared the shit out of me, seeing the people in town, with about 10 police officers keeping the 25-50 protesters in a tiny (and incovenient tbh) space, not too far from where they’d put up the stickers. As I was walking home, I found some of the stickers, and tore down as many as I could see.

Some of the stickers were obviously theirs- meme templates from reddit, claiming the government was lying about the pandemic to stop people from ‘living their lives’, saying ‘the media is the real virus’ and ‘if you tell a lie enough times it becomes the truth’ and all sorts of shit. Some other stickers were much more inconspicuous- little round ones with a pair of hands tenderly holding a blue dove. Around the edge they said ‘I do not consent to another lockdown’ and ‘I do not consent to get vaccinated’. This was very similar to some of the banners they were holding, and some were wearing ‘FREE HUGS’ t-shirts.

The one sticker which stuck out to me most is one which said something like ‘how do you think the German people felt when the Nazis were taking over, with no power to stop them?’ This is the same rationale the Nazi Party used at the time to gain ‘support’- convince people there is no other way, that their system is the strongest, the right system, how will you disprove us? They scared people into their system, turning vulnerable people into fascists. The White Rose is employing Neo-Nazi thinking. To be honest, it was fucking terrifying.

After they were presumably done, they started coming back to the park where they’d already posted plenty of stickers. It’s a hot Saturday afternoon, so lots of people are in the park, families, children, and I’m busy ripping these stickers (most of them about half the size of a bumper sticker) off bins and signposts. Now, at this point I’ve already been confronted by:

- a woman with red hair (dyed red) in a black suit. She asks me what I’m doing. I tell her that some people have been spreading misinformation, and she recalls the demo in town. She agrees ‘yeah, that did look kinda like misinformation. huh. well, cool, okay’. She may just be bad at interacting with people, but there was something pointed, and I don’t think that she could pluck up the courage to tell me to look them up and find out jus how wrong I am. She didn’t look much like the other supporters.

- a woman in a ‘FREE HUGS’ t-shirt. When she asked me ‘why are you taking those down’, I already had a headache and didn’t fancy an argument, so I said ‘they’re the wrong ones.’ She couldn’t hear me, because so many people were walking past. She yelled ‘what?!’ so I repeated ‘THEY’RE THE WRONG ONES’, nodded affirmatively, and walked in the opposite direction. This, of course, was nonsense, but it left her looking incredibly fucking confused, and she eventually just walked away, which I was thoroughly delighted about, as I wanted to return and take more stickers down. I later realised that the men walking past and making so much noise was probably most of the others at the protest, like 25 men and me and her in an underpass. If they’d have seen me taking the stickers down, who knows what would’ve happened. (yes I know I made some bad decisions today and it would’ve been my fault but fuck it, when a dog shits on the pavement someone’s got to clean it up)

-Two bald middle aged white men, both holding pints. One of them yelled ‘what are you taking them down for? Read what’s on them, you might actually learn something!’ I just said nothing and stared at him as he walked away, whilst continuing to crumple one up, which I’d just taken off a railling.

- Some old Scottish guy and his family. I pretended to be taking them down bc the QR codes didn’t work and the sticker had to be replaced. He asked me why I had a mask on, I lied and said my mum wouldn’t let me out of the house without it and took it off. He told me what to go and tell my mum, whilst standing way too close, with his family gathered around him (like 6 people in total, including 2 kids). He was the reason I took a COVID test when I got home, alongside the blaring headache.

-Another family, this time the patriarch was a skinhead in a black polo shirt and jeans, same height as me (kinda short). Just like the others I was confronted by, his regional accent was very strong. Again, I said the QR code didn’t work. I started to walk away this time, kinda scared, and all his family walked up into the park, but he left his teenage daughter behind for a bit to make sure I didn’t come back (how brave). I came back anyway, but they wanted to go into the park and have fun.

But the last pair is what got me. One of them claimed to have done a biomedical science degree at the local university back in 2005. He was the only non-white person involved, and the only one who had anything scientifically based to say. However, the more I asked him about the degree he said he had, the more he started backing physically away from the conversation, claiming he had to go. The discussion I had with him lasted maybe 20 minutes, during which he confessed a belief that big pharma was dishonest and covered up heinous activity, which I agreed was absolutely right, but these ideas came to the total wrong conclusion.

I’m not explaining this very well anymore, it’s late and I’ve still got a headache, but his strong short white skinhead friend kept walking away then coming back, even at one point claiming that he was going to go and get someone. When I asked the first if he agreed with the non-scientific way the first man’s ‘friends’ were talking, and the fact that he is coming at this argument from such a different angle, he just changed the subject. It was around that time that I noticed that he wasn’t blinking, and that he was wearing a ‘Guardians 300′ t-shirt. I’ve since looked them up. They’re a cult. Nobody’s talking about it. He tried explaining the science to me, and I said that I don’t know enough about science to understand what he was saying, but tried to change the subject away from science- it just clearly wasn’t about that for any of the protesters except him.

Anyway, after he was done talking to me and claimed he had to go (right after I claimed to know a few lecturers in the university (I don’t but it was worth a try to see if he was bluffing) and started questioning him on who he knew), I turned around and just kept on taking off those fucking stupid stickers, including two which the skinhead had stuck on while we were chatting. They saw me doing this. I wanted them to see it, but now I’m not so sure. It was a dangerous move.

When people feel certain of something, you have to listen to them to let them air their uncertainties and change their mind. They were aware of this. I was aware of this. Neither of us listened much to each other. I was, to be honest, freaking out all the way home. What the fuck? I’d only seen people say this online, usually Americans, I’d heard about them on the news too. Suddenly I was getting looks from strangers, whilst taking down these stickers, and honestly had no idea who was who, or what they thought of me. And anyway, I’m trans, and have the fear of being looked at funny for that compounded with the fear of what a member of this group could do, it was terrifying.

I think there are very few things which stand between a person coming to a logical conclusion about what’s going on and a less logical conclusion and getting sucked into dangerous territory, although in this day and age there aren’t many logical things left. I’ve experienced the Dunning-Kruger effect at school, but some may never have experienced that, to feel like their understanding of something can only ever go so far.  I’m alright with saying ‘I don’t know’ and admitting that I’m not an expert, but I feel like all these people feel like they do have to know everything, and their genuine, valid fears have turned them to these crazy ideas because they’re nicer than the truth. I got told by a lot of people to ‘do your research’, but I didn’t say that to them, because they may well do their own research, but not necessarily using reputable sources. 

This is how Fascism works. If I had the same beliefs as them, I know I’d probably be doing the exact same things- trying to spread awareness. They genuinely think that they’re making a positive difference when they ‘change people’s minds’. Either that or those stickers were put up to get ripped down, to show their followers that ‘everyone is out to get you’. I was definitely scared most, however, by how close we all are in this day and age, to being them. I’ve attended protests, argued online, sent people links, spread my views. Most of my friends and I share the same views, we share each others’ information, when something’s wrong we blame ‘them’, or ‘the government’. These radicalised people were people I’d probably passed in the street before, who I’ve bought bread next to or admired their dog in the park. I met the next Nazis today, and they looked just like everyone else.

[thisismymidnightwonderland]

Family dinner gone wrong Part 2

“It’s Charlie’s birthday next week.” Ada sipped her tea. 

“I know.”

“Are you going?”

You shrugged your shoulders in response. 

Ever since that night you’d moved in with Ada, all it took was one call from Tommy’s house and she had come straight away to get you. It was peaceful at her house, never any shouting even when Karl was naughty. A small part of you longed for the manic and crazy atmosphere of your old house. Waking up to Polly shouting at John, arguing with Finn over the last slice of toast, Tommy stood in the corner smiling at his crazy family. 

He hadn’t been smiling much lately according to Finn. Out of everyone, Finn and Ada were the only two you’d spoken to in months. They’d both encouraged you to ring or go and visit but you were too stubborn. You didn’t want to be the one to make the first move. You’d got as far as picking up the phone but had eventually put it back down without even dialling the number. You sometimes wondered if any of them ever did the same. Maybe one night when Tommy had stayed late in his office, cigarette hanging from his lip and a glass of whiskey in one hand. He’d stare at the phone before eventually sighing and picking it up. Tucks it between his ear and shoulder and dials the number, holds his breath and hopes you pick up. 

It never happened. 

“You can't shut them out forever Y/N, they are your family.” Ada’s voice pulled you out of your daydream.

“You’ve shut them out.” 

“And I’ve let them back in. It’s a lonely life without family.”

When you didn’t reply, Ada sighed and stood from the table. “I’ll be going with Karl, if you want to come then you’re welcome to.”

“This doesn’t feel right.” You muttered to Ada as you walked up the steps to Tommy’s door. She had Karl in her arms and Charlie’s birthday present lay in yours.

“You’re fine, it’s just because it’s been a while.” She pressed the doorbell and swapped Karl to her other hip.

“Hello Mary.”

“Hello Miss Ada and-” Mary’s voice trailed off when she saw you. “Miss Y/N, how good to see you. Would you like me to take that present?”

“Please.” Your voice was quiet, if this was the reaction of someone that just worked for Tommy then what would his reaction be?

“Would you like me to inform Mr Shelby that you’re here?”

“No need Mary, I’ll do it. I always look forward to seeing Thomas Shelby speechless.” Ada marched on into the house in search of the family. 

“It’s good to see you again Miss.” Mary said again. “He hasn’t been right since you left, none of them have.”

Your stomach dropped and all you could do was nod in response.

You followed the loud noises coming out of one down the hallway and stood in the doorway watching what was happening. Ada had put Karl down and he was busy playing with his cousins. She was going round the room saying hello to everyone, Arthur was standing with Linda and Tommy, Tommy had Charlie in his arms. Esme was sat on one of the many sofas holding a baby and John was next to her holding a drink. Isaiah, Finn and Michael sat in a corner far away from everyone smoking and talking about God knows what. You swallowed a hard lump in the back of your throat and blinked away the tears that threatened to fall. Without realising, you’d had a hole in your heart since you’d left. A feeling of longing for the family that you missed so much. 

It was Charlie that saw you first. He squirmed in Tommy’s arms towards the doorway where you stood. It was only when he started to cry did everyone turn to see what had caught his attention. 

“Oh my God.” The sherry glass that Polly held, slipped and shattered against the floor. 

Tommy had turned a sickly shade and looked as though he might faint. He staggered slightly and Ada quickly took Charlie out of his arms and passed him to you. He immediately settled down and went back to making happy noises. 

Arthur cleared his throat, “He missed you.”

You nodded back.

John stood up, his eyes were bloodshot and he looked like he’d barely slept. “Where the bloody hell have you been?”

“With me John so give it a rest.” Ada snapped back. “If you’d bothered to pick up the phone when I rang you’d have known that.”

“You came back.” Tommy gaped.

“I wanted to see Charlie. I’ve never missed his birthday.” You answered. 

Finn walked over and wrapped his arms around you, even though he’d been speaking to you on the phone he’d missed you greatly. You’d been attached at the hip since you were born and had never spent much time apart. Spending time apart from you had made him feel like he’d lost one of his limbs and it nearly killed him. It was a bond the rest of the family could never understand, the two of you were just different. 

“Well I think everyone needs a refill on their drinks.” Michael stood up and put his hand on Polly’s arm, she was still staring at you like you were a ghost. “Mum?”

“Yes another drink. Y/N what do you want?” She finally snapped out of her shock and started to move. 

“Actually I’m just going to step outside for some air. Excuse me.” You handed Charlie to Finn and nearly ran out of the room. Your head pounded and your chest hurt. This was the familiarity you’d longed for but now that you had it, it was overwhelming. Everyone in that room wanted things to go back to normal but you weren’t sure it could. They’d hidden things from you, important matters that had concerned you and your future and it was a worry in the back of your mind it would happen again. 

You made it outside and leaned your head back against the wall, the cold air felt good on your face but the knowledge that you would need to go back inside at some point and face everyone  sat heavily on your shoulders.

“Y/N!” Isaiah’s voice rang out. 

“What are you doing out here?” You asked, you still didn’t know what to think of him. You’d thought he was someone who would’ve told you anything and would have always tried to protect you but he knew about the marriage and said nothing. 

He did nothing. 

“You ran out pretty quickly, wanted to see if you were alright.” 

“I’m fine.” You said, the edge in your voice was evidence that you weren’t though.

“No you’re not. I know you and you’re not fine so don’t lie to me.”

You couldn’t hold his gaze and so dropped yours to the gravel on the ground, it crunched under his feet as he stepped closer to you. You could feel his breath on your face as he stood straight in front of you. His voice was barely even a whisper. “Don’t lie to me. Not to me.”

You looked into his eyes and your voice cracked when you spoke, “You didn’t tell me. You didn’t do anything.”

It was his turn to look away then, “I know.”

“You know? That’s it?” You pushed yourself off the wall and moved to go back inside. You weren’t going to stay outside with him if he couldn’t even apologise. 

“Please come back.” You stood still, your back still facing him. “They need you. Arthur’s barely speaking and when he does it makes no sense. Esme says John’s hardly ever home and that he stinks of whiskey constantly. And Tommy? He’s a mess Y/N, he can’t do anything. Polly’s had to step up but she can’t cope either. Michael’s at his breaking point with her and Finn’s head is so messed up because he doesn’t know who he should side with. They miss you so much and they know they fucked up. They just want the chance to talk to you and apologise. They miss you so much Y/N, you have no idea.”

You turned back around to face Isaiah. “Just them?”

He took a deep breath in, “I miss you too. It’s not the same without you round.” A tear rolled down from the corner of his eye. “I miss you so much and I’m sorry that I never told you what was happening. I never wanted to hurt you.” Your own tears started to fall then.

“Please come back home Y/N. I can’t even bring myself to walk back into your house because I can’t stand in it and not expect to see you there.” By this point you were fully sobbing, hearing Isaiah pour his heart out to you was breaking yours. You had ignored how much you’d missed the boy because you knew you couldn’t accept it. His hands reached out for you and pulled you into his chest. He held you as you cried and you could feel his body shaking as he cried with you. “Please come home.” He begged “Please come back to me.”

*********************************************************************************

Let me know your thoughts on this, I’m sorry it took so long! Hope you’re all doing ok during the pandemic going on and if any of you need to talk or rant then feel free to send me a message or an anonymous one to my asks if you don’t want me to know who you are. 

Stay safe everyone!

Taglist: @annabethgranger123

Message me if you want to be added to the taglist :)

[itubainaretro]

Like the rivers feed the sea know that you, are all that I will need

In a parallel universe coronavirus was still a thing but Robbe and Sander stayed together during lockdown.

OR

Little snippets of Robbe and Sander's life during lockdown.

read it on AO3 or under the cut (5.8k)

When news broke that the cases of coronavirus were spreading faster by the day and that Belgium was headed towards a lockdown because they’ve been hit hard by the pandemic Sander and Robbe didn’t know how they would go on about the situation - they didn’t know if they would spend the lockdown together or apart, each one with their own families. They only knew that they had to make a decision and stick to it, cause they shouldn’t be roaming around the streets of Antwerp after a certain date.

They talked about it with their moms, both of them telling them they were free to choose for themselves and if they wanted to spend it together they were welcome whichever home they decided was best for them.

Robbe told Sander he wanted them to be wherever they felt most comfortable being. He knew how important it was for Sander to be in the familiarity of his own home and room, and he also knew they were about to face something bigger than them and totally unpredictable, so he didn’t want to add to that the anxiety that being out of your comfort zone could bring.

And ok, they had spent the night at each other’s places before, but they could always come and go whenever they pleased, so having to decide where they needed to stay for good for almost a month - at least - seemed like something big and even though Sander agreed that maybe it was better to stay at his own house, he didn’t want to make Robbe choose between him and his own mother. Robbe didn’t have to say anything for him to know that he didn’t want to leave his mama alone in times like these, so they decided to stay at Robbe’s house.

Sander didn’t worry too much about his mama, since she would still have his father and little sister, Cara, to keep her company, so he packed a bag with all the essential things he would need for the foreseeable future - clothes (not too many of those, since Robbe cleared out one of his drawers to give it to him recently and he had plenty of stuff at his place already), toiletries (he needed to change the toothbrush he left at Robbe’s anyway), books, his pencils and charcoal, his sketchbook, his school stuff, his notebook and camera -  and went.

-

In the beginning, it felt like they were still in school and that everything was as it always has been (minus the not going out part) with all the school work both of them got from their professors, so they focused on that first, but as the days went by they had less and less work to do and almost too much time on their hands so it almost started feeling like they were on vacation.

-

At first, it felt great, having that much time to do anything they wanted to, just them, so they started by binge watching Netflix because Elite’s latest season had just come out and Robbe insisted that Sander watched it with him. Sander rolled his eyes at him when he suggested it, but later on, admitted he saw the first and second seasons and kinda loved it. 

They watched the whole season in one day.

-

After catching up with all the series they were behind, they moved on to movies that had made their way into their To Watch list throughout the time they’ve been together. There were quite a few, from different genres, going from Lady and the Tramp because, “how on earth have you never watched it, Sander? you have a little sister and you were a kid once in your life too, you know? Besides, it’s a classic”, to Ferris Bueller’s Day Off because, “this movie shaped me as a rebel, Robbe”, ‘what are we gonna do?’ ‘the question isn’t what are we going to do, the question is: what aren’t we going to do?’, Sander quoted to prove his point and finished saying, “this is a classic, love”.

Their favorite one was a brazilian movie, called Hoje Eu Quero Voltar Sozinho, that Robbe had already seen once and mentioned it to Sander in one of their various conversations about movies, a long time ago. 

They were enjoying the song playing while the credits rolled when Sander asked softly why Robbe chose that particular movie.

“The first time I watched it was when I was starting to wonder about my sexual orientation and thinking that maybe I was not as straight as I thought I was”, Robbe started with a hushed voice. “It was a very difficult time for me, as you know it, and things at home weren’t that great either.... and this movie was the only spark of love and hope that I saw in the middle of all that chaos and self-hatred that I felt inside - it was the only thing telling me that maybe things would be okay, and I wanted to share the feeling with you”, he finished, bashfully. 

Sander’s eyes were filled with tears when he pulled Robbe closer to tell him how much he loved him and how proud he was of the person he became. He kissed every part of Robbe’s face he could reach: his eyes, his cheeks, his nose, his chin, and finally his lips.

After some time, Sander grabbed his phone and typed something and the same song from the ending scene and credits started playing and Sander pulled Robbe up from the bed. 

“Come on, we’re going to dance.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

And who was Robbe to say no to Sander when there was indeed too much love to go around these days?

-

They read some books too, each boy with their own, at first.

As the days went by, though, they grew tired of being in silence together, so after finishing their respective books they agreed on one they would read together, aloud.

As per Sander’s request, Robbe was the one to read it.

“Please? Your voice is soothing”, Sander smiled at Robbe, “I like listening to it, it’s like music to my ears.”

“Shut up”, Robbe rolled his eyes fondly and shook his head, smiling.

“It’s true, though. You do have a nice voice”, Sander reaffirmed, a smile never leaving his lips.

So he read from the book they chose, one hand holding the book, the other playing with Sander’s hair from where his head was resting on his lap.

“Good morning, he said.

Be at home in your head.

Make sure joy is well fed.

Don’t let dread hog the bed.

Good night now, and rest.

Today was a test.

You passed it, you’re past it.

Now breathe till unstressed.

Good morning, stunner.

You’re just getting started.

Your age doesn’t matter.

The sun is up, the day is new.

You’re just getting started.

Good night, stunner.

You’re just getting started.

Your age doesn’t matter.

The stars are out, the night is warm.

You’re just getting started.

Good morning.

Good gracious.

Your smile is

contagious.

Good night then.

Good gracious.

You’re one

for the ages….”

When Robbe finished reading the poem and closed the book, Sander was already looking at him when he looked down.

They met halfway in a soft kiss.

You are loved and we like having you around.

-

As the days went by, things started shifting. 

The days seemed longer and duller, there seemed to be a cloud of uncertainty hovering over their heads, the amount of information they were always receiving on the news seemed like too much. They missed the feeling of fresh air on their faces, they missed going to the skate park or seeing street art around Antwerp.

Everything felt like too much and not nearly enough at the same time. Too much information, too much bad news. Not enough space to roam around, not enough fresh air, not enough freedom. And Robbe’s mama was the first one to notice.

Robbe and Sander seemed quieter than usual, no music, no fits of laughter - usually heard from the kitchen three rooms away from Robbe’s room - were coming from there.

She went to check on them and upon seeing their frowny and preoccupied faces, took the matter into her own hands and decided to ask them for their help to prepare dinner.

They usually helped with setting up the table and cleaning after they ate, but she wanted them to keep their minds off of everything for as long as they could, so purposefully choosing something that would take them hours to get made, she decided their dinner would be pasta. Made from scratch.

They spent the entire afternoon preparing everything and didn’t even notice how time flew by while they were cooking, talking, and keeping busy enough to not have to deal with the outside world.

After cleaning up the kitchen they headed to their respective rooms and fell asleep quite instantly from how exhausted they were.

It was a good day, after all.

-

Some days later Sander’s mum called, claiming Cara, Sander’s four-year-old sister, missed her big brother too much and wouldn’t stop complaining about it.

Robbe and Sander spent almost the entire day facetiming her.

They talked about everything, engaged on her games the best way they could while being separated by a screen, watched Moana at the same time so they could talk about it with her, and finished their day by reading her a bedtime story, with Sander and Robbe making the funniest voices possible for each character to make her go to sleep with a smile on her face.

-

Later that week, Sander first noticed something was wrong when he turned around and saw Robbe - always the first one of them to wake up early in the morning - still in bed, cocooned by all their blankets, even though it was past 10 am. 

Noticing how the pattern of his breathing didn’t seem as even as it would be if he was asleep, Sander realized Robbe has probably been awake for quite some time already. 

“Good morning”, Sander said after dropping a soft kiss on Robbe’s shoulder. 

Robbe hummed and after what felt like a million years muttered a quiet, “Morning”.

“Did you sleep well, love?”

Robbe only nodded and that was enough for Sander to understand Robbe probably didn't feel like talking - they’ve known each for long enough to notice the little things and knew better than to push. 

After some time Robbe turned around until he was face to face with Sander and pulled the other boy closer, hiding his face on Sander’s neck and soon enough Sander felt tears leave his boyfriend’s eyes, leaving a wet trail on his neck and t-shirt. 

“Hey, it’s okay, I’m here. We’ll be alright”, Sander tried calming Robbe down, rubbing soothing circles on his back with the tips of his fingers, “It’s going to be alright”.

Robbe’s voice was hoarse when he said a few minutes later, “Logically, I know that. It’s just I’m-”, Sander felt Robbe’s voice breaking before he even heard him, “I’m worried. I’m always so worried. About my mama, about you. I don’t want to lose either of you, but this fucking virus… it’s messing with my head”.

“Robbe, baby, we’re safe here. We’re all safe. Your mama and I aren’t going anywhere, okay, love? We’re right here. With you”, Sander tried reasoning with the gentlest voice he could muster. Robbe nodded but Sander could still feel his tears falling down his eyes freely, so he tried a new approach.

“What if you and I play a game?” Sander asked. “I believe you already know the rules and I’m almost certain you were the one who taught me how to play it. It’s called Sander and Robbe, minute by minute”, he said gently, smiling when Robbe looked at him, eyes still gleaming with tears. 

After Robbe nodded, Sander continued, “In the next minute we’re just going to lie here and breathe together, is that okay?”

When Robbe nodded again, Sander took his hand and placed it on his chest so they could match their breathing. Robbe grabbed Sander’s hand and put it over his own heart and there they stayed for the next minute.

When their breathing was even Robbe asked quietly, “In the next minute, can I kiss you?”

Sander didn’t even bother answering, grabbing hold of Robbe’s jaw and pressing their lips softly together instead.

In the next minute, Robbe seemed much more settled and calm, so they just stayed there, lying together in bed, Robbe’s head tucked on Sander’s neck, Sander’s hand playing with his hair.

Neither of them noticed they had fallen asleep again, so Robbe was surprised to wake up to an empty bed next to him hours later.

Only it wasn’t that empty when he looked closer and found a card placed on Sander’s pillow, with Sander’s careful handwriting on both sides.

I know it’s not much, but I want you to know that we’ll get through this together, baby. It’s you and me against the world, forever, in all universes. 

We’ll be fine.

I love you.

PS: I’m waiting for you in the tv room with your chamomile tea 

And that was just how Robbe found Sander later, in the tv room, like he promised, with his chamomile tea, watching a movie with Robbe’s mama.

Sander made space for Robbe to plaster himself against him on the couch and passed him his tea once Robbe was settled. At Robbe’s surprised face at the tea still being warm Sander explained, “You always go to the bathroom to wash your hands and face after you wake up, no matter what, so I put the kettle on when I heard you”.

God, Robbe loved him so much. 

He smiled.

They would be alright.

-

It wasn’t the easiest thing in the world to keep that mindset, but they tried, and even though the days seemed to be getting impossibly bluer as the news didn’t get any better and there was no indication of when everything would go back to normal, there were some good things that happened that helped them keep their hopes up. 

Like when they found a family of four kittens near their garage one Thursday morning.

Eileen was making coffee and Sander and Robbe were setting up the table for breakfast, talking about the last movie they’ve seen, when Robbe heard a sound coming from outside their home.

He looked up at her and said, “Mama, did you hear this noise?”

“What noise, dear?”, Eileen asked, turning around. “I heard something coming from outside, I think there’s something in the garage.” “What are you talking about, Robbe?”, Eileen was still confused. “I heard it too, actually”, Sander chimed in.

Robbe scrunched up his eyebrows when he heard another sound and both Sander and Eileen looked at the door. 

They went outside and started looking for the source of the noise. 

Near their garage there was a small spot in the wall reserved for pots of plants, where Eileen usually left a nice vase with colorful flowers to brighten up the place. That spot was now empty. Well, not exactly empty, but lacking flowers, more like.

Instead of the usual flowers occupying said place, there now stood three little kittens, while one was trying to climb up the wall, trying to get closer to their family. That explained the noise they heard, as the vase that once stood there was now shattered on the floor. 

They tried gently approaching the kittens, Sander and Eileen being the only ones to succeed, and when the kittens finally trusted them enough to let themselves be taken by the pair, the three of them walked back inside, hands full of cute kittens.

Eileen took care and examined each one of them, paying close attention to see if any of them had any injury or needed medical care, but they were all fine and healthy, so they fed them and played with them, forgetting about breakfast.

Almost an hour later, when Robbe’s stomach grumbled and the kittens were half asleep on their laps they got up and went to the kitchen to finally have breakfast, leaving the kittens sleeping on a makeshift bed Eileen had put up with some old cushions and sheets she had laying around somewhere around the house.

“They need names”, Robbe said as soon as he sat on the table and poured himself a cup of coffee.

They had discussed the possibility of keeping the kittens earlier, when they were still playing with them, and for the time being, Eileen agreed to it, asking the boys for help to take care of them.

“They do”, Eileen agreed. “Any suggestions?”, she looked at Robbe and Sander.

“Freddie, Roger, Brian and John”, Sander said easily, a smile plastered on his face.

Robbe raised his left eyebrow. “Really?”

Sander nodded.

“I’m surprised you didn’t suggest Bowie 1, Bowie 2, Bowie 3, and Ziggy Stardust”, Robbe teased.

Sander stuck his tongue out at Robbe and both Robbe and his mama laughed.

“I like it, Sander”, Eileen smiled at him. “Thank you.”

Sander stuck his tongue out at Robbe again.

“Shut up”, Robbe rolled his eyes at him but couldn’t help smiling.

They listened to Queen the whole afternoon.

-

Robbe wished all days could be as easy as the day the kittens were found and the days that followed them, when each day one of them learned how to do a new thing and everyone was endeared by them and the days passed by in the blink of an eye, filled with laughter, warmth, and happiness, but unfortunately, it wasn’t the case.

A week and a half later Robbe noticed how everything was starting to catch up with his mama and things became kind of too much for her as well. 

He noticed it during breakfast, when all of them were gathered around the table, still half asleep, eating croques made by Sander and drinking coffee. She looked like she was in another world completely, her eyes missing that natural glint that always assured Robbe that things would be fine. He worried for her and because of her, but he also knew that there was not much he could do. 

He just wished things could be easier for her.

-

A couple of days went by and Robbe’s mama still didn’t feel that well, spending most of the time in her room, only leaving to make them food or occasionally go to the bathroom.

Sander saw how worried Robbe was so he asked him if there was anything they could do to help her, or if there was anything she liked to do when she felt down, like he liked to immerse himself into his art when he was having bad days, Eileen probably had something that took her mind off of things when she felt down as well. So Robbe wrecked his brain trying to think of something until he remembered.

“She likes gardening”, Robbe smiled, thinking about all the times he found his mama caring for the flowers of their garden when he was a little kid. It has probably been ages since Robbe last helped her and just the thought of it made something break inside Robbe’s chest.

“I have no idea how to do any of this, but maybe we can try? For her?”, Sander was already rummaging through his clothes to find something comfortable to wear.

God, Robbe really loved him. He nodded and after changing into some old clothes that were bound to get dirty he dragged Sander to the garden, looking for where they kept the gardening things they would need. 

After some hours, a lot of dirt staining their clothes and a garden that looked half arranged, they heard some noises coming from the inside of the house and some minutes later Eileen opened the door to the garden and made a surprised noise. As she got closer to them, Freddie, Roger, Brian, and John, or Queen, as the four of them were often called now, following close behind, Robbe noticed she had a smile on her face and looked a bit more rested.

“We know it’s not much and that we’re probably not doing it the right way, but we tried”, Robbe broke the silence, shrugging his shoulders.

“And if you want to help us finish it, you’re more than welcome, Eileen”, Sander added. “And if you also want to show us a better, more efficient, and less messy way to do it we would love to learn”, he finished smiling, pointing to their dirty clothes as a way to emphasize what he was saying.

Eileen smiled at them both and after giving each boy a hug she pulled her sleeves up and got to work, showing them how to care for the plants and the flowers and how to turn the slight mess they made into a beautiful garden.

They spent the rest of the day gardening and when they were finished with it, Sander got his camera and they had a little photoshoot in the freshly revived garden, all of them still dirty, with the kittens running around causing mayhem.

Eileen loved them more than she could put into words.

-

The days seemed to be more hopeful after that.

There were still bad days in the middle of the good ones, but they helped each other get through it and they knew they would make it.

-

Before they knew it, it was Sander’s birthday and Robbe had a day filled with surprises planned for him.

It started with Robbe and his mama getting up earlier than they usually did to bake Sander a birthday cake. They decided on the chocolate cake because Robbe knew it was Sander’s favorite and he still remembered that one time he called Sander basic for liking chocolate cake and earned himself a full lecture on why the chocolate cake was anything but. 

After they put the cake in the oven Robbe prepared a tray of food to take to their room so Sander could eat breakfast in bed. All of Sander’s favorites were there: croques, pancakes, orange juice, berries, and black coffee. After managing to securely hold everything into the tray he made his way to his mama’s garden and plucked one of the beautiful flowers that had blossomed in the past week, with her permission of course, and decorated the tray and made his way to his (and now Sander’s) bedroom.

As setting everything up took longer than he originally thought it would when Robbe came to their room Sander was already awake, still laying in bed, lazily scrolling through his phone, probably answering people’s birthday wishes, and when he saw Robbe he smiled.

“Good morning, angel.”

Robbe smiled back at him, completely enamored with Sander’s freshly woken up face.  “Good morning, birthday boy”, he came closer to the bed and gave Sander a soft kiss before placing the tray in front of him.

“And what’s this?”, Sander asked, a smile never leaving his face.

“Breakfast in bed for you”, Robbe smiled again.

“It looks delicious, baby”, Sander said, “thank you.” He grabbed Robbe’s neck and pulled him closer to kiss him, getting lost in it. He broke the kiss a few moments later. 

“Is there something burning?”

“Only my desire for you”, Robbe jokingly teased.

“No, Robbe”, Sander said, sniffing the air. “There’s something really burning.” 

“FUCK”, Robbe exclaimed, getting out of bed in a hurry. “Your cake.” He ran to the kitchen to take the burnt cake out of the oven before the kitchen caught on fire and heard Sander laughing, slowly getting out of bed and following him.

Sander got into the kitchen in time to see Robbe with a frown on his face setting the cake pan into the sink, mumbling about how there was no way to salvage the cake anymore.

“I can survive a year without a birthday cake, you know”, Sander tried to soothe Robbe, coming closer to him and setting his hands on his waist. “It’s okay, baby.”

“There’s no way you're not getting a birthday cake today, Sander”, Robbe protested. “You’re already stuck at home, I didn’t even get the chance to get you a nice birthday gift… the least I can do is bake a fucking cake”, he sounded frustrated. “I’m going to ask mama where the recipe and the ingredients are.”

“Hey, relax”, Sander looked into Robbe’s eyes, “it’s alright.” He lowered his voice and whispered into Robbe’s ear, teasingly, “if the cake thing doesn’t happen I’ll still have buns right here”, and gave Robbe’s ass a squeeze, just to make him laugh. 

Robbe didn’t even have time to react before Eileen cleared her throat from where she was standing by the door, holding Freddie in her arms. 

Robbe detangled himself from Sander and tried not to think about his burning cheeks and the clear blush that he was sure was adorning his face. “I burned the cake”, he said quickly.

Eileen laughed. “Yeah, I smelt it.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, dear, these things happen”, she moved her hand in a nonchalant way, “especially if you’re distracted”, she teased.

Sander barked out a laugh and Robbe glared at him.

“Is it okay if I try to make another one?”

“Of course”, Eileen nodded. “Here’s the recipe.”

“Thank you, mama.”

“Do you need any help?”

Robbe shook his head, “No, thank you. I’ll pay more attention this time”, he promised.

“I’ll help him if he needs anything, Eileen”, Sander reassured.

“Okay, I trust you two”, Eileen smiled at them. “The ingredients are in the cupboard on top of the stove and oh, dear, happy birthday”, she gave Sander a hug before leaving the kitchen.

As soon as his mama was out of earshot Robbe glared at Sander and gave him a punch in the arm. “You’ll still have buns right here? Are you fucking serious?”

Sander tried to stifle his laugh. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think she would hear… or see that for the matter”, he ended up laughing anyway.

“Sander, I live with my mama, what did you expect?” Robbe tried not to laugh.

“I don’t know, she could be in the bathroom, or taking care of Queen, who knows?”

“Clearly not you, you idiot”, Robbe laughed. “You’re the worst”, he shook his head.

“But you love me.”

Robbe sighed. “Unfortunately.”

“Heeeeey”, Sander whined.

“Okay, fortunately”, Robbe relented.

“That’s better”, Sander smiled, already invading Robbe’s personal space once again to give him a kiss.

“Happy birthday, baby”, Robbe wished once again before kissing Sander.

-

There were no more incidents in the kitchen and the chocolate cake Robbe and Sander made turned out to taste delicious, Eileen telling them so after they each ate a piece of it after lunch.

Sander spent the entire day talking to his friends and family, everyone that wanted to wish him a happy birthday, making sure to make an extra call to talk only to Cara because she missed him too much.

Sometime during the afternoon Robbe called for Sander from their bedroom and when Sander got there he was surprised to see all of Robbe’s friends on the screen of his computer shouting surprise when they saw him. The Broerrrs, the girls, and even Milan and Senne were on a Zoom meeting to wish him happy birthday. They all had funny backgrounds and fake balloons to pretend it was a birthday party and Sander couldn’t have been happier about it, thanking all of them after they sang happy birthday and saying it was the best birthday ever.

At night, Robbe cooked dinner and made Sander’s favorite food for them to eat together. 

When everyone was at the table making a plate for themselves Robbe’s mama got up after helping herself.

“Mama? What are you doing?”, Robbe asked, lifting an eyebrow after seeing her grabbing her plate, utensils, and glass of water.

“I’m going to my room so you boys can enjoy the night”, she said matter of factly. 

“Mama.”

“Eileen.” Both boys said together.

“You know you don’t have to do this, Eileen”, Sander shook his head.

“I know, darling, but I want to”, she smiled at them. “You two deserve tonight”, she winked at them.

“Mama….”

“Robbe, dear, it’s alright. It’s one night”, Eileen insisted. “Besides, I won’t be alone, Queen will be there with me and I’ll be listening to music on those nice headphones you so gently lent me”, she turned around, leaving. 

Robbe made a confused face, “I didn’t lend her anything”, he whispered to Sander.

Sander shrugged.

“So enjoy the night”, Eileen yelled from the corridor. “..... and use protection”, she added as an afterthought.

Sander burst out laughing.

“MAMA”, Robbe yelled back, embarrassed.

They enjoyed the night to themselves anyway.

-

Robbe wished that day would never come because seeing Sander sad made him sad, but it did, as it did for his mama and himself during the time they were on lockdown and it was bound to happen to Sander too and it did a few days after his birthday. 

They woke up like they always did at around 8 am and went to the kitchen to have breakfast with Robbe’s mama. They ate together in a comfortable silence and after cleaning their plates Sander told them he was going back to bed because he wasn’t feeling that well and he wanted to sleep it off. Robbe knew better than to push or ask too many questions, so he kissed him on the forehead and sent him off to their room, saying that if he needed anything he would be in the tv room with his mama and Queen.

Robbe spent the entire day with his mama on the couch, working on his school projects and watching some movies when he was done with everything. Occasionally he heard Sander going to the bathroom and then going back to their room, where he stayed the whole day.

Some hours later, when it was already early evening, Robbe got an idea and asked his mama for help and after an hour or so he had everything set up.

Sander woke up and came to the kitchen half an hour later.

“Sorry if we woke you up”, Robbe said, opening his arms to welcome Sander.

“No, you didn’t”, Sander shook his head, nestling himself in Robbe’s embrace. “I was already awake, but I decided to come here when I smelt the popcorn”, he smiled.

Eileen smiled at them. “Well, I think everything is set”, she said while turning off the stove. “You boys enjoy the night and get some rest, okay? I’m going to bed.” She gave each of them a kiss before making her way to her bedroom.

Robbe dismissed Sander’s confused face and asked him how he was feeling.

Sander sighed. “I don’t know. Weird? Today was weird”, he looked at Robbe with downcast eyes. “Everything feels weird, actually.” Ever since that day Robbe found Sander in the Academy all those months ago they promised each other to always tell the truth about how they were feeling, even if they couldn’t exactly explain it themselves or if it didn’t make much sense, and Sander remembered that.

Robbe nodded. “Everything is weird at the moment”, he agreed. “But it’ll pass”, he kissed Sander’s forehead. “And we’ll be okay, okay?”

Sander nodded. 

Robbe gave him another tight hug and after dropping another kiss to his head, whispered in his ear, “Come”.

Robbe took Sander’s hand and led him to the tv room and before getting there he turned around and said, “I have a surprise for you, so close your eyes.” And after he was certain he did, he went behind him and covered his eyes with his own hands because he knew Sander and he knew he would try to sneak a peek.

“Are you ready?”, Robbe asked as soon as they entered the tv room.

After Sander nodded, Robbe took his hands away from his eyes and said, “I know it’s not much, but I hope you like it and that it cheers you up a bit… you can open your eyes now.”

And when Sander did his eyes filled with tears immediately. 

There, in the middle of the tv room, was a blanket fort, decorated with shiny Christmas lights and filled with soft cushions and blankets inside. Netflix was already on and laying on the many blankets there were some food and drinks for them to share. It was something so simple, so small, but it made Sander so happy he couldn’t even form words to thank Robbe.

“You made this for me?”, he finally let out, voice unsteady.

“Mama helped a little”, Robbe smiled.

Sander turned around and hugged Robbe as tightly as he could. “I love you, so much.”

“I love you too.”

They stood there for minutes, just hugging and enjoying each other’s presence until Robbe remembered the popcorn and went to the kitchen to grab it.

When he came back he saw Sander just standing there, looking amazed at their blanket fort.

“Shall we?”, Robbe broke the silence, asking Sander if they should enter the fort and settle down for the night.

After arranging themselves around one another, not even an inch separating them, finding the perfect position to cuddle and watch a movie, Sander thanked Robbe again.

“I still don’t know what I’ve done right in the world to deserve someone like you”, Sander shook his head, forgetting about the movie that was playing for a minute.

 “Please know I feel the same way”, Robbe chuckled, lazily playing with Sander’s hair, soothing them both at once. “I’ll never understand how I managed to have someone as amazing as you by my side, but we did it, and we deserve each other”, he looked down at Sander, finding his gaze from where his head was laying on Robbe’s chest, “because we’re both good and we deserve good things. We deserve each other”, he reassured him.

Sander nodded, tears brimming his eyes once again.

“And we’ll keep doing so every day, baby, no matter what, okay?” Robbe assured. “It’s you and me. 100%. Forever....”

“... in every universe”, Sander agreed.

They kissed each other then.

-

A few days later new measures were taken and people were finally allowed to leave their houses for little walks and exercises outdoors. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to bring a fresh wave of hope that things would somehow be okay eventually, so Robbe and Sander took every opportunity they could get.

They knew things weren’t suddenly back to how they always were, but they took things day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, just like they’ve been doing since that day Robbe found Sander in his art room at the Academy and they knew that for the time being it was enough.

They had each other and it was enough.

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- first of all thank for reading! i hope you liked it! if you want to, tell me what you think!

- secondly: thank you @ayellowcurtain​ for proof reading this, you’re an angel

- and last but not least:  Hoje Eu Quero Voltar Sozinho is called The Way He Looks in English. The song playing in the credits is There’s too much love - Belle and Sebastian. The book they’re reading together is Gmorning, Gnight!: Little Pep Talks for Me & You by Lin-Manuel Miranda.

[mirkwoodshewolf]

My life, The Doctor; 10th Doctor x Nurse!reader

*Author’s note*

Hey guys I know it’s been awhile but I finally decided to work on another story outside the Queen/BoRhap fandom. Now this request came from @originalposter96 idk if this is your user name anymore but I hope you’ll be able to see it.

NOW WARNING HERE I AM NOT A DOCTOR OR A NURSE!!! So I know absolutely NOTHING about surgeries or anything like that, so this may seem as lazy writing (sorry) but I hope you all still enjoy this fic. So since this does involve the reader being a Nurse there is a hospital involved, surgeries, blood, removing bullets, gunshots, and a slight trigger warning for Domestic violence (not between the Doctor and reader just some side characters).

Taglist:

@plethora-of-things​

@waddles03​

@psychosupernatural​

@dancingcoolcat​

@jd-johndeacon-or-jackdaniels​

@ixchel-9275​

__________________________________________________________

There have been many wonderous places I’ve been to, many wonderful people and creatures I’ve met.  They all come and go in my life, whether through my adventures or by time itself all beings enter my life one way or another.  But throughout all my previous lives, every single being in the Universe that I had ever known, one person was above and beyond special.

Her name was (Y/n) (L/n).  And she—is and will always be the love of my life.

For a human she was extremely clever, sharp as a whip, but she was also kind, loyal, and the one thing about her is that she never gives up on anyone.  As a Head nurse—oh did I forget to mention that? Yes my (y/n) is one of the best Nurses in all of England.  

Anyone in her time or even in the future when she finally becomes an M.D. will tell you that she is one of the best.  In fact she finds out future cures for worldwide pandemics (of course sometimes her board would deny her research and billions of people perish. Rotten bastards).  Anyways, my (y/n) truly is one of a kind amongst the humans and I am glad to have met her.

And won’t she be surprised when she sees me.  It had been awhile since I had last seen her (maybe since the day she graduated medical school just a year ago her time) and now with the Cybermen and Daleks taken care of, now’s a good a time to go see her.

I set the coordinates for her time period and flipped the switch allowing the TARDIS to activate and soon going through time and space.

*My POV*

April 14th, 2015, 10:05pm.  It had been a long day.  5 surgeries, 3 MRI scans, a cancer treatment report, and 2 women in labor later, I was just about to drop right there on the floor.  I was thankful that in like 20min. my shift was gonna be over.

“You look like you’re about to drop dead right on the spot.” I snapped out of my sleepy stage to see my good friend Chrissie Lang.  She and I had graduated from the same Med school together, and had most of the same classes together.  She and I are each other’s support system cause in this line or work—it can take a toll on you.

I remember this one time this woman came in at 6 months pregnant bleeding profusely from her legs.  We both knew that she was suffering a miscarriage so we told to do what her Doctor told us to do, but by the end of it Chrissie was completely destroyed. She always wanted to be a mum and seeing something like that happen made her fearful for even trying to go for a baby with her and her boyfriend.

So for the next ten minutes after helping the woman out, Chrissie and I just held onto each other and shed our tears before we had to brush it off and move onto the next case we had.  For those that say being a Doctor or a Nurse is the easiest job to do, they’re liars. The job can hit you not just physically, but mentally as well.

“After 2 days of not sleeping, I just might. Put on my tombstone (Y/n) (l/n). Died with a heart of gold and a stomach of caffeine.”

“That’s true cause I swear girl, you’re probably the most caffeine addicted person I’ve ever met.”

“I can stop whenever I want, these are just choices.” We both chuckled softly.

“Excuse me ladies, but would you mind helping me with something?” a familiar voice said to me.  We both turned to our right and standing there with a bouquet of my favorite color of carnations was the Doctor.

“Of course, what can we do for you sir?” asked Chrissie.

“Hey Chris, why don’t you let me handle this?” I suggested.

“You sure?”

“Yeah, besides you’re about to clock out sooner than me, you go on and head home. I’ll meet you there.”

“Okay, see you later (n/n).” she bid the Doctor good evening and he did the same. Once Chrissie left the lobby, I turned towards the Doctor smiling widely as he did the same.

I immediately embraced him and he picked me up and twirled me around, the two of us laughing together.

“Oh I swear every time I come back, you get more beautiful.” He said as he set me down.

“I’m just happy you got to come back at all.” I said as I cupped his face in my hands. His eyes grew soft as he placed his hands over mine.

“I know what I do is dangerous, but you know why I do what I do.” I nodded in understandment.

“I mean hell it wouldn’t be any different if you were human and worked as a police officer or a fireman. Hell we humans live in a dangerous world, anything could kill us.”

“Which is what makes me the Doctor.”

“It does indeed.” I stroked his cheek with my thumb and that’s when he reached for the bouquet he had set down on the front desk and he presented it to me. “You always know just how to cheer me up.”

“Figured you might’ve had a long, rough day. Thought a little color could be used to brighten up your day.”

“It sure did, thank you my love.”

“Anything for you my life.”

That was a thing between us.  When we first started dating each other, we had a little code/nickname for each other. I call the Doctor ‘my love’ because ever since he literally dropped from the sky onto my doorstep, he’s unlike anyone I’ve ever met.

He’s quirky, bit of a goofball, can sometimes blow his top but that’s only when something really dangerous happens and he’s under stress (yeah I’ve traveled with him a couple of times during my time at Med school), but he’s also loyal, brave, beyond clever, and he always puts everyone else, especially the human race above himself.  For the last of his species, he’s an incredibly selfless person.

He calls me ‘his life’ because whenever things get too hard for him, since he and I have been through some rough stuff due to our day to day life, I always try my best to comfort him.  I know that he’s lost people, just like I have on a job, and it’s not an easy thing to get pass.

So we both try to be each other’s support system.  We know there is always loss in the world, but the thing is to not let that be the driving point that always controls your life.  You can use it to make you stronger, not let it drag you down any further.

“So how has my brave Dr. (L/n) been since I last saw her?”

“You know I’m not a Doctor yet, I still gotta go through the nursing program and then rise up in the ranks before I finally get it.”

“Oh rubbish, you should’ve been a Doctor right as you graduated.”

“Yeah well not according to the chief here.” I muttered annoyedly.

“Honestly though, that old fool wouldn’t know a good doctor if it turned around and bit him in the arse.” I shushed him but couldn’t help myself from giggling softly.

“You can be so cruel sometimes you know that?” he playfully shrugged.

“Only when it comes to people who hurt you.” he wrapped his arms around me and pecked my cheek. “How much longer till your shift ends?” I turned to the clock and responded.

“10 minutes. But…..I could clock out a little early since there hasn’t been a call.”

“Playing hooky ehh? You cheeky little minx.” He grinned like the Cheshire cat. As we leaned closer to each other about to kiss, the doors suddenly burst open and a frantic voice called out.

“HELP! HELP! MY BROTHER NEEDS HELP! HELP!” a blonde woman around her mid 30’s came in holding her brother who looked to be around the same age as her.  Quite possible they might’ve been twins cause I could see some similarities on the both of them.  Her brother was completely covered in blood and his lips were blue from blood loss.

“Okay Miss calm down. I NEED A STRECHER STAT!!” soon enough the nurses who were still here for the nightshift ran off as I walked towards the two siblings. “What happened?”

“My ex-boyfriend jumped us. He thought—he thought my brother was a new boyfriend of mine and he—he—oh god this is my f-fault!”

“No, no, no Miss this is not your fault.” As I tried to calm her down, the stretcher bed soon came in and a group of nurses helped the man on his back and began cutting away his shirt.

“I’m seeing 3 bullet wounds to the chest and one on his abdomen. Let’s move him!” I get onto the top right of him as we wheel him into the OR to save his life while another nurse stayed behind with the sister to calm her down.

I washed my hands and arms frantically and thoroughly before getting my shrubs and mask on.  Already the destine nurses, assistants and now our head Doctor, Dr. Murphy came in and he said.

“What have we got?”

“Four shots in the upper body, two in the lower. He might’ve lost a pint of blood at least.” Answered Nurse Yasmin.

“Maybe 2-3. His BP is dropping fast.” Added one of the male Nurses, Derek.

“Okay, any of those bullets rupture an organ?” asked Dr. Murphy.

“The one in his lower abdomen is just a centimeter before hitting his small intestine. If we don’t get that bullet out first he could bleed out internally.”

“Okay keep an eye on his BP. I need fluids, scalpels, suction tubs, retractors……”

“Lucy….”the man groaned out.

“(L/n), do your thing.” Said Dr. Murphy.  I nodded and came up to the man and said.

“Sir? Sir can you hear me?”

“Yes. Where—where am I?”

“You’re at the hospital. Your sister brought you in. Don’t worry she’s okay and told us what happened.”

“Good….good……She’s safe. I—I’d never forgive myself if—” he started fading out.

“Hey, hey, hey sir, sir stay with me now. What’s your name? Can you tell me your name?”

“Barry.”

“Okay Barry, I’m (Y/n) (l/n). My team and I are gonna help you but you need to stay with me for just a bit. Don’t give up on me.”

“It hurts….it hurts so badly.”

“I know, I know.”

“Give him a shot of morphine to numb the pain.” Dr. Murphy ordered.  Suzie got the morphine bag and needle ready and slowly stuck the needle into his left arm.  Barry hissed and I said to him.

“This’ll help lessen the pain. You won’t feel the pain as we try to get the bullets out of you Barry. But you gotta stay with me, okay?”

“I’ll—try……” he mumbled tiredly.  I placed my hand on his cheek and looked up at his vitals and saw his BP was continuing to drop and his heartbeat was going down.

As I looked around me, frantically Dr. Murphy and all the nurses were working together trying to get all the bullets out of him one by one, less we risk him bleeding out as two teams tried to work out a single bullet.  With the main one near his intestines cleared, Dr. Murphy and Nurse Helen worked on getting the few out of his upper chest.

All the while Barry kept groaning every now and then and his eyes were fading fast.

“Barry. Barry hey look at me boy. If you can’t do this for yourself, do it for your sister. From what she said about who had done this to you, you need to stay alive for her. What you did was heroic, but don’t let her see that that selfish son of a bitch won. She needs you, your family needs you.”

“I got the blood transfusion he now needs. Thankfully, we had our last bag of B+ in the storage bin.” A young male nurse who had only worked here for a year, Cody exclaimed as he came through the doors.

“Alright, start the transfusion now! We just got the last bullet out and his BP is dropping faster and faster!”

“You hear me Barry? We’re getting you your life back. But it’s gonna be up to you now. Don’t let him be the victor, not tonight! You hear me?” he groaned and looked right up at me and he whispered groggily to me.

“Why do you care so much?” I took a deep breath in and said as I stroked the hair from his face.

“Because so many people everywhere are already dying every day. Some because time has run out on them, others for serving their country, but there are the odds of people dying for now reason whatsoever. Or for stupid reasons that shouldn’t be a reason why someone should have to die, especially if it’s protecting their family member from some arsehole who can’t tell the meaning of the word No. Now your sister is out there waiting for you, if she loses you, she’ll have lost her Ace. Her only friend that has stuck by her through whatever it was that her ex-boyfriend did to her.”

“He…..always was a……selfish prick!” he coughed out.

“I’ll bet he was. But she survived him, and now you’ve got to survive too. Don’t give him that satisfaction that he took a life tonight. Can you do that for me?” he nodded softly and whispered out again.

“You’d make a great motivational speaker.”

“I was on the debate team back in secondary school. If you wanna hear more, you’ll just have to stick around Earth for a little while longer.” After his final stitches were in place, the blood transfusion began and it was then Dr. Murphy had Cody, Darren, and Helen wheel him into ICU.  From there, Barry would be monitored 24/7 till he woke up from his post-surgery coma.

Dr. Murphy took off his mask and gloves before turning to me and he said to me.

“Nice job keeping him talking.”

“Just doing my job sir.”

*Doctor’s POV*

Unaware to anyone else, I had snuck into the upper levels to witness the surgery in progress.  I watched as (y/n) stayed right by the young man’s side and kept giving him encouragement to stay alive.  But not for himself, for his sister.

This. Is why she would one day go down in the medical books as the world’s greatest Female doctor’s.  She always put the lives of the people her patient’s love over their own, then psychologically, the patient’s bodies would continue to fight on until finally they would find the strength to recover.

Of course she will have her failures cause that’s life.  You can’t save everyone but you can work harder at saving the ones you can save in the future.  She doesn’t let one failure get her down, that’s sometimes the curse of being a Doctor. When you lose people, it can really affect you. Even when those closest to you are the ones you lose.  Believe me I’ve been there millions of times throughout my 10 life cycles (she’s lucky she’ll only deal with one).

By morning, the lad Barry managed to make a full recovery.  His sister, Lucy repeatedly thanked all the doctors and nurses who helped out with saving her brother before giving her statement to the police.

I waited outside by the TARDIS for my beloved Doctor to clock out, and when she finally came out the poor dear looked exhausted.  I extended my arms out for her and she gave me a tired smile before collapsing into my arms.

“Just when I thought I could get at least one early night in.” her voice muffled against my trench coat but I still managed to hear her.  I softly laughed and rocked her gently as I assured her.

“I know, but hey if you hadn’t been here, that young man would’ve died.”

“Oh you know it was Dr. Murphy as well as a few other nurses that actually did the real operation to save him.”

“True, but you were just as important if not more. You kept him awake and talking.” I shrugged tiredly agree-to-disagreeing. “Now then, I think after a night like that, and from lack of sleep these past couple of days you deserve to be pampered and see the wonders of the galaxy.”

“How did you—”

“Besides the bags under your eyes, I’ve seen the amount of Starbucks cups at your apartment.” She groaned embarrassingly.  God this girl and her coffee addiction, truthfully I never understood why humans choose that as their beverage of choice.  I myself prefer a good Earl grey or even sometimes Jasmine tea but ugh that horrible bland stuff they call coffee?! Never. Again. Will that drink touch my taste buds.

“Care to show me the wonders of time and space?”

“Need a pick me up boost?” she nodded.  I kicked open the doors of the TARDIS and hopped inside before extending my hand out to her saying, “First question is though; do you trust me?”

“Always my love.” She replied with that loving soft smile of hers as she took my hand.

“Then brace yourself my life, because I’m going to show you the sound of the Universe.”

“You mean…..”

“Indeed I do my love, the Music of the Spheres.” Her smile grew wider and I pulled her into the TARDIS before shutting the doors behind her and together the two of us ran towards the consoles of the TARDIS and I punched in the coordinates and soon we took off for the Music of the Spheres.

And who knows where our next adventure would lead after that? So long as I got my love, my life, my Doctor with me by my side.

[reel-em-in]

Pre-Production:

I feel that the pre-production for Coming Out Country went really well. We researched a few different things in relation to country music, but there was a big focus on the stereotypes held about the genre and those who listen to it, wether country always had ties to conservatism and right-leaning ideals, and examples of country artists that are/were more progressive or queer themselves. I also created a survey during pre-production which I posted in some groups online, as well as sending to people that I know. This was to find out a surface level view of the demographics of people who consider themselves fans of country music and wether these fans feel they had been treated unfairly within the country music fan base due to their identity. It also had a section for people who did not consider themselves fans of the genre, and instead they were asked what their feelings were towards country, if they disliked the genre they could tell me why, and what there stereotypes were about country music fans. This was interesting as something I noticed was that many of the stereotypes had their origins in classism (many felt that country fans were less educated and less progressive and suggested that this was due to their rural/less well-off upbringing).

We also conducted some zoom interviews during pre-production. With the group formulating questions to ask me. This allowed us to get an idea about the sorts of things I would be able to talk about in the film, and what was of interest to the group. This was very useful as country music is a special interest of mine so I would find anything about the topic to be interesting, whereas I understand that to the general populace it probably wouldn’t be that interesting. These interviews fed into the questions that would later be asked during the interviews during production.

I also spent a lot of time collecting the archive photographs. I managed to get a large selection of possible photos, whilst also learning that we have more photographs of agricultural machinery in the house than of me as a child. An amusing fact.

Production:

I feel that for the most part the production of our documentary was successful, though there are definitely a couple of things that I would improve upon.

Production began with me getting the b-roll footage of me working on the farm. This footage worked well within our documentary, though it is also something that I would have done differently had we not been in a pandemic. In a perfect world I would have liked to have had the group (or at least Luke as our DoP) come to the farm and film the b-roll footage properly with a camera. Though due to travel restrictions this was not possible. I had also left my camera in Edinburgh as I was not anticipating being home for so long. This meant that I had to film the b-roll footage on my phone, and ask my mum to be my camerawoman. Telling her what footage I needed, and then getting her to point and shoot. She now knows all about the rule of thirds!

Once I was back in Edinburgh, Luke and I shot the rest of the footage. We spent a few days in my flat filming the interviews as well as some of the songwriting process, and eventually the song. I think this worked really well as due to Luke being a friend of mine I felt much more able to open up in the interviews than I would have if someone I didn’t know that well had been the one asking questions. This meant that our doc took a much more personal direction than it was originally going to.

A lot of the song writing process was also filmed, though much of it wasn’t as it was a long process. I am pleased with the final song, though it was definitely difficult to write. Now that I have proved to myself that I can do it, I plan on writing more of my own music though.

We also recorded the song during this time, something that I think was really well done! I would have liked to record the song in a studio, but unfortunately to to time constraints and Covid restrictions this was not possible. With that being said I think the recording is of a really good quality for being recorded in my room, with sound equipment that Luke had access to.

Post Production:

The post production was also mostly successful, though once again there are a couple of improvements that could be made.

Beth began the editing process, putting together the first cut before I joined her for the rest of the editing process. I spent several days with Beth working on the edit, creating the narrative of the film from things that had been discussed in the interview. This was a difficult process as we had so much footage from the interviews with so many interesting points that deciding was to keep in the film and what to discard was a bit of a nightmare. I feel like what made it into the final cut worked really well though. We were working under more time constraints than initially planned due to other projects we were working on simultaneously, but each day we would send our cut to Sana and Leo for feedback, and act upon that feedback the next day.

One thing I would have done differently though is to have included the sound from the interviews underneath the archive photographs, as the lack of dialogue did impact the flow of the film. I don’t think this was too much of a problem, but having dialogue there would have definitely improved the final film.

Once we had picture lock, we sent everything off to Jess for the sound design. This was also done with more time constraints than we would have liked, but I feel that it was mostly successful. I think that the levels of the mix were great for the most part, and the different audio clips blended into one another nicely. Without any noticeable or jarring cuts. Though Leo mentioned that the water sounds over the archive photograph of me sitting by a pond was somewhat jarring. If we were to revisit the sound design I think that this could be fixed by either bringing it lower in the mix, or by adding similar linking sound effects to the other archive photographs. Or perhaps a mixture of both.

The final step of the post production process was to send it to Luke for colour grading, and for Luke and I to add the titles. The colour grading was really well done, and made the film link together much more than in our non-graded cut. The titles and credits were inspired by westerns, something that I think worked well within our film both through its thematic links to country as well as through the fun and quirky atmosphere it created. We also chose to have the credits appear in time with the final part of the song, and be in the colours of the trans pride flag.

A couple of other things I would have changed during post-production I should have done during this final step. The first is that I would have liked to have added subtitles to the song, as the lyrics draw on a lot of the topics discussed during the film. The use of subtitles would have been a great way to draw attention to this. The second thing I would change is the way that I am credited. I realised after submitting the film that at no point do we introduce the character that is the focus, for all the viewer knows this is just some dude with green hair and no name. Even if I didn’t include a name or anything earlier in the film, it would have been a good idea to have clarity given in the credits by perhaps saying ‘starring and directed by’ or something similar.

Overall:

Overall I feel that Coming Out Country was a success, both in terms of the final film, and the fun that we had making it. It is also a project that I plan to improve by acting on feedback from the crit, as I want to make sure it is as good as it can be and can be added to my portfolio.

Feedback From the Crit:

I know that some of this was covered in the rest of this post, but I have included it anyway :)

Sana:

What Worked Well:

The hand held footage on the farm

The structure

That it took a more personal route than originally intended

What Could Be Improved:

The cutting back and forth between interview, archive, and b-roll didn’t work as well. It would have been nice to remain with the b-roll for longer

It would have been good if my grandfather had been reintroduced into the narrative again, later in the film

The archive photographs could have been used more effectively. Some of them feel as though they were added a bit randomly

Leo:

“This is a really enjoyable film for people who know Tom, and don’t know much about country music. If you touch up the edit a bit it can also be a really enjoyable film for people who don’t know Tom, but enjoy country music.”

What Worked Well:

Fun to watch and listen to

Luke was included as a character (both visually and through audio), but he did not feel overbearing. The choice to not include his face even when he was on screen playing guitar was well made.

The titles

The song was well written and recorded

What Could Be Improved:

Dialogue should have ran under the archive photographs

The water sounds were a bit jarring

The narrative ‘sections’ could have been made to intertwine more, rather than being in distinct blocks

The Class:

What Worked Well:

It was fun to watch

It represented who I was well (it’s just a shame if people didn’t already know me they wouldn’t have known who the person represented was).

What Could Be Improved:

Could have played more on the juxtaposition between the country stereotype of right wing ideologies and my identity

It could have been interesting to have my trans identity act as more of a reveal

[matrixaffiliate]

Christmas in Quarantine

New Story! FFN and AO3

Quarantine has a way of making us want to have the best things in life, the things we can't have now. For Harry and Ginny, this involves hauling out the holy, playing carols, holiday treats, and a little of Christmas, right this very minute. Modern Muggle AU.

This little story was requested and prompted by several wonderful people on Tumblr. @gryffindormischief named the fic and wanted it written for Hinny. @petals-to-fish (who put up so many wonderful fics in one day for all of us and it really was Christmas) wanted to see a snowball fight, baking cookies, and mistletoe kissing. @inakindofdaydream (who adores Christmas after my own heart) wanted to see them almost getting caught by Santa Clause. And @shining-jul-of-hope who pointed out that it's nowhere near Christmas right now. :P I'm so grateful to these lovely people for sharing in the magic with me, and trusting me with their fabulous ideas!

For those of us not part of the UK, cornflour, apparently is what we call corn starch.

Christmas in Quarantine

It was strange, how little Harry Potter's life changed with the Pandemic, but as a blockbuster author who spent most of his time in his office writing the next installment of his fantasy novels, he was more or less socially distanced to begin with. What changed the most was that Ginny was home now. The football leagues were all canceled and that meant Ginny's professional career had been put on hold until further notice.

For the first week or so, it was fun. Harry put off the manuscript in exchange for keeping Ginny company in all the best ways. But then his publisher was emailing him about maybe getting more done since the world had shut down, and his editor started calling and so Harry reluctantly went back into work mode.

He figured Gin would be alright. She had the treadmill and other assorted workout equipment and her team did daily Zoom meetings now. When she wasn't goofing around with the team - he's walked into the kitchen when she's in those meetings, he knows what they're talking about - both their mothers liked to call and check-in, Marlene hosted a Kindle book club now, and Luna taught painting lessons through live videos, so Harry felt confident that Ginny didn't need him to be underfoot trying to "entertain" her.

But he started to wonder if he had underestimated what social distancing would do to his wife when Harry walked out of his office for a snack and heard the sound of... show tunes?

"Gin?" Harry poked his head into the sitting room.

"Alright, Potter?" Ginny was lounging on the sofa in front of the telly, watching something that looked horrendous on their high def screen.

"What's this?" Harry gestured to the telly.

"My mum always said I should watch the musicals she loved as a kid." Ginny shrugged. "And I've got time now, so I thought I'd give a few a go."

Harry chuckled, "You had me worried there. I've never heard you listen to show tunes and I wondered if you'd gone stir crazy."

Ginny rolled her eyes at him. "Don't let that book keep you past dinner again."

Harry shoved his hand in his hair. "I've got an alarm today, I'll be all yours the moment it goes off."

Ginny's returning smile left him wondering if maybe he ought to move that alarm up an hour.

After a week of Ginny watching the musicals her mum grew up with, Harry became accustomed to the show tunes playing from the sitting room. Gin would put on whatever one he assumed her mum had recommended and Harry would come out to assorted big band songs playing. It reminded him of going to his dad's parents' home when he was little, which felt oddly comforting given the way the world was attempting to implode upon itself.

And that was probably why Harry didn't think to question Gin's newfound obsession.

And when she started watching the same one at the start of every day, well Harry just figured that she really liked the music or the story, after all, the bits that Harry had seen were set during the Great Slump and he was starting to wonder if the world wasn't heading for another 21st-century repeat.

Harry was a bit taken aback after a week of her starting the day with the musical Auntie Mame to walk into the kitchen to grab lunch and find Ginny baking mince pies.

"Alright, Gin?"

Ginny grinned up at him from the pie crust she was rolling out.

"Thought I'd make us a bit of a treat."

Harry brushed some of the flour from her cheek.

"Mince pies?"

"You love mince pies." She set the rolling pin down to smear a floured hand across his cheek.

Harry tried to pull back but wasn't quick enough and laughed as he reached for a towel.

"You're right, so I guess the proper response should have been more along the lines of 'thank you' or maybe enthusiastic snogging?"

"I'll take the thank you now and the enthusiastic snogging after these pies are baked and cooled." Ginny kissed him and Harry moved closer to her, letting his lips move slowly against her, loving the way she melted against him.

"Thank you for making mince pies in April. I'll make sure that you get far more than enthusiastic snogging once I'm done working on this blasted novel."

Ginny bit down on his lip. "I can't wait."

Harry was surprised by Ginny baking mince pies. But the next morning he was downright floored to find their Christmas decorations out and mostly up when he stepped out to refill his tea.

"Gin? What on Earth?"

"We need a little Christmas, Harry." Ginny adjusted where she hung an ornament on their tree.

"It's April…" Was all he managed to say as he realized how much she'd managed to get done in the roughly three hours he'd been writing.

"Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death!" Ginny laughed and smiled at the telly where Lucille Ball's character was talking about building a home for Jewish refugees.

"Right…"

Ginny moved back to the last couple of boxes of their Christmas decorations.

"I have a surprise at lunch. So don't work through it."

Harry blinked. "This isn't a surprise?"

"We need a little Christmas, Harry!" Ginny pulled the Santa hat or if the box and stuck it on her head.

And then it clicked.

"Are we in that musical?" He gestured to the telly.

Ginny huffed and dug into the box closest to her. "Well, I thought it looked like fun!"

"I can't sing," Harry grinned and moved to the boxes with Ginny. "But we could haul out the holy, maybe fill the stockings, turn on the carols."

Ginny's eyes filled back up with hope, "Bake Christmas cookies, have a snowball fight, watch for Santa?"

Harry slipped his hand into the box next to him as he smiled down at Ginny.

"I have no idea how we'll have a snowball fight, but yes, I'll go close out of my document for today and we'll have ourselves a little Christmas."

Then he lifted out what he'd been digging through the box for.

"But shouldn't we start our Christmas off right?" Harry held up the mistletoe over their heads.

Ginny chuckled, "Very smooth, Potter."

"I had to write a few romance pieces at university." Harry leant closer to her.

"Why have I never seen them?" Ginny smirked, leaning back away from him.

"They were rubbish. I tossed them the moment I had the grade." Harry finally pulled her close enough to capture her lips.

She laughed against him. "Go tell your boss you're out for the day while I go hang this above our bed."

Ginny snatched the mistletoe from his fingers and skipped to their bedroom.

By the time Harry had finished saving everything and putting a few ideas down in his notebook, Ginny was standing at his office door in her bikini with his swimming trunks in hand.

"What happened to Christmas?"

"I figured out how to have a snowball fight!" Ginny tossed him his trunks. "Come on!"

Then she headed for their balcony.

Harry couldn't change fast enough.

"Here," Ginny shoved a bowl at him as he stepped out the door to join her. "This is your ammunition, use it wisely because I'm not using any more of our cornflour for it."

"Cornflour?"

"Yes, and hair conditioner, which I've already told Amazon to send more of."

Harry laughed at how Ginny had moved their two patio chairs to make a battle line.

"I can't believe you managed to get us snow when it's 19 degrees out." Harry stuck his hand in his bowl of fake snow and grimaced at the texture.

"YouTube," Ginny shrugged and then jumped to one side of the chair battle line she'd created.

The moment Harry shut the door, she threw a ball of the 'snow' at this bareback and he grimaced at the way it felt sliding along his spine.

"This is an awful cross between that wretched Halloween slime we made in primary and store-bought decor snow."

"Wouldn't know," Ginny shrugged, "seeing as I haven't been hit by any of it."

Harry didn't move fast enough as she threw another 'snow ball' at him and it slid down his side. He groaned as the feeling of it crawling along his side sent shivers across his skin before reaching into his own bowl and tossing a large handful back at Ginny. She ducked and it splatted against the wall behind her.

There wasn't really much 'snow' between the two of them and when he missed Ginny by a hair for the third time, Harry decided to go all in. He jumped up on the patio chairs and pushed his foot on the back of the chair, tipping it over and taking his wife by surprise as he dumped his bowl over her head.

Ginny yelled and shoved him back onto the toppled chair as she threw the last of her snow at his face. Then she collapsed on top of him and laughed as they tried to keep the 'snow' from their eyes.

"I think a shower is in order." Harry pushed his caked glasses up into his hair. "And then what would you like to do next?"

"I have everything out for some Christmas cookies, icing and all." Ginny wiped some snow from her forehead before it could slide completely into her eyes.

"Baking and Christmas carols?"

"And maybe a bit of something else…" Ginny moved to kiss him but immediately backed away when more 'snow' tried to sneak into her eyes.

Harry laughed and pushed them to stand. "Lead a blind man to the shower, won't you?"

After a long shower, Harry wrapped his arms around Ginny's waist as carols played through her phone and she measured out the flour.

"Aside from the tank top, this feels like Christmas."

"Maybe we should spend Christmas in a warmer climate from now on," Ginny brushed a bit of flour on his nose.

"Our mums would probably hunt us down for something like that."

"Ooo, adventure and a holiday, sounds like a book waiting to be a bestseller."

Harry laughed and helped with the cookies and icing. Slipping his phone out here and there to jot down a few notes.

"I thought you told the boss you were off for the day." Ginny pouted as Harry set his phone down to ice another cookie.

"Just writing a few ideas down," Harry leant over and kissed her cheek.

"Typing, not writing," she teased.

"You said you had a surprise for me and to not work through lunch." Harry redirected their conversation.

"Well, I was going to use it to convince you to go along with having a bit of Christmas in April. But since you decided to jump on board without it, I'm saving it for tonight." She bit her lip.

"Tonight, eh?" Harry stood and moved to the fridge.

"Alright, Potter?" Ginny frowned.

"I know that look," Harry started pulling out sandwich fixings. "I'm going to need more than sugar cookies and icing for lunch if you've got that look."

Her laughter felt more genuine in that moment than it had since the world hit pause, and Harry grinned.

They really did need a little Christmas.

They spent the rest of the day 'virtual caroling'. For which his parents not only thanked them but joined in, taking the phone along as they dug up all the Christmas boxes and argued if they could thaw the ham overnight or if they should just make whatever they had on hand for a family Christmas dinner the next day hosted via Zoom meeting.

Harry scrounged up everything for a shepherds pie dinner and they put on A Christmas Carol after as they ate the iced cookies and drank hot chocolate for dessert.

It felt like Christmas.

Harry felt light and he felt happy and he could see the happiness and lightness in Ginny as well. They definitely needed a little Christmas in all of this pandemic insanity.

"Thank you," he kissed her hairline.

Ginny smiled up at him, snuggling closer to his side. "Thank you for being on board. This has been so much fun. I forgot about how awful it is out there."

Harry kissed her, letting himself indulge in the softness of her lips, the taste of chocolate and sugar on her lips.

"Do I still get to see that surprise?" Harry kissed along her jawline to the spot behind her ear that made her breath catch.

Ginny laughed, "Wait here."

She pushed up and slid out of the room with a confidence that made it a strenuous exercise in self-control for Harry to not follow her out of the sitting room.

To distract himself he took out his phone and jotted down a few more notes.

"I might just throw your phone in your office and lock the door."

Harry quickly locked said phone and tossed it on the side table.

Then he looked up.

Ginny had on a Father Christmas cloak, white wig, and a set of glasses that had the white beard attached.

"Wow…"

Ginny laughed and undid the belt that held the robe shut.

Harry's initial confusion dropped instantly as his wife's body was revealed, no imagination needed.

"We're losing the beard," he smirked and moved to gently pull the glasses-beard combo off Ginny's face.

"What Father Christmas doesn't have a long white beard?" She teased as her fingers moved along his waistband.

Harry kissed her slowly as his hands moved slower against her freckled skin.

"The one who is actually my wife," he pulled back before sweeping Ginny into his arms and carrying her back to their bed, and the mistletoe hanging over it.

The sun long set and the moon high in their bedroom window, Harry waited patiently until Ginny's breathing became even and he was sure she was fast asleep. As quietly as he learned to move when he was a child spying on his Christmas gifts, Harry snuck out of their bed and down to his office.

It took the better part of an hour to get it how he wanted it. Then it took another half-hour to get the printer to print it the way he wanted. And another half-hour after that to find the freaking wrapping paper. But after roughly two hours of trying to be silent, Harry snuck into the sitting room to set the gift under the tree.

He went to grab this phone from the side table when a cloaked image came into his peripheral vision and he almost cried out as all the anxiety of a child being caught by Father Christmas came rushing up at him from years as a boy trying to spy on Christmas gifts.

"Why are you out here?" Ginny's groggy voice sounded and Harry felt relief rush through him like a tidal wave.

"Just grabbing my phone. I forgot to plug it in to charge while we slept."

"Come to bed, you're how I don't freeze to death at night."

Harry slipped his arms around Ginny and led them back to bed with a smile on his face.

He hadn't been caught by Father Christmas, but more importantly, his wife would still get her surprise on Christmas morning.

And just like childhood, Harry awoke far too early, and far too excited to go back to sleep. Though rather than for what he would receive, it was for what he was giving.

"Gin," he nuzzled her hairline and kissed her cheek.

Ginny made a sound that was a cross between a moan and a grunt.

"Don't you want to see what Father Christmas left for you?"

"I'm Father Christmas and I didn't leave anything out because it's not actually December the 25th." She mumbled into her pillow.

Harry chuckled. "Let's just go have a look."

Ginny blinked her eyes open and frowned. "Only if I get to come right back to bed."

Harry put his hand over his heart. "I promise, well go see if there are any surprises and then come right back to bed."

"Fine," Ginny pushed up from the bed, her Father Christmas robe slipping from her shoulders. "But if this is how you're going to be with children then we're rethinking our future plans."

Harry laughed and forced himself not to run full tilt down the hall and leave his adorably sleepy wife in the dust.

He held his breath as Ginny moved to the tree and his lone gift that sat wrapped below its branches.

She turned to look up at him, bewildered, "What's this?"

"Open it," he shrugged.

Ginny pulled the wrapping away and slid the booklet from the manilla envelope he'd used to hold it.

"A Holiday and an Adventure," She read aloud. "Harry, what is this?"

Harry stuck a hand in his hair. "Well since you're not on the team for the foreseeable future, and you've always got the best ideas when I'm stuck in a story, I thought maybe, maybe you'd like to write a book together, you and me. All those pages in the booklet are the notes I was jotting down all day yesterday. And I've organized them out the way I do with my novels. If you like the idea and we finish the story, we could send it over to my editor. See what she thinks."

Ginny looked up from the booklet, eyes wide. "You want to write a book with me?"

Harry smiled, "I kind of already do. You're my sounding board and you find more of my plot holes than my editor does. So I guess I'm really asking you to be an active participant so we can put your name on the cover too."

Ginny looked back down at the booklet before launching herself at him. Harry caught her and managed to spin them around so he fell on the sofa and not his back.

"So is this a yes?" Harry chuckled as he kissed her hairline.

Ginny kissed him enthusiastically before jumping up. "Come on! I want to start right now!"

Harry snagged her around the middle before she could go running off. "What happened to wanting to go right back to bed?"

"Don't be ridiculous," Ginny laughed, "do you have any idea how badly I've wanted some real control in your novels?"

"Now you have a story to be in control of." Harry kissed her. "Happy Christmas, Gin."

Ginny's smile shone like the rising run out their sitting room window. "Happy Christmas, Harry."

[writingwithacupoftea]

It’s been one hell of a week, and I want to share a life update with you all...

I don’t really know what this post is gonna be. I think it’s gonna be kinda like journaling, but I actually wanted to feel like I was talking to someone about it, even if no one reads it. I’m going to put everything below the cut, and if you wanna read it, cool, and if you don’t, that’s equally alright. I’m not scrapping for sympathy, I just want to talk to people that aren’t in my quote on quote ‘real life’ (pls don’t be offended, I love you all dearly).

So, feel free to ignore, this is going to be completely unedited, raw rambling about stuff that I need to get off my chest.

I guess I’ll start with the good stuff: I got accepted to interview for my teacher training course!!!!! I’m absolutely over the moon, and incredibly grateful to have this opportunity 🥰

I’m having a long weekend at home with my family, which is lovely, because it feels like ages since I was back at home. My amazing bestie/house mate sent me the cutest little care package this morning and omg I love her so much 🥺

I’m also finally starting to get on top of uni work, which is a big weight off my shoulder now I need to start with interview prep as well.

Now, before we move onto the bad stuff, a bit of backstory...

In December 2019, I got into a relationship with a guy who, quite frankly, is unlike any other boy I’ve ever met. He’s so kind, considerate, selfless, generous, funny, caring - basically every girl’s dream guy. We have similar interests, have never fought once, and were friends before we got into a relationship.

We had an incredible 3 months together as a couple, with so many incredible memories and laughs... and then lockdown happened in the England.

The announcement on 23rd March this year that England was going into lockdown sent me spiralling into my first ever panic attack (which was an absolutely horrendous experience) and my Mum drove up to my uni house in the middle of the night to bring me home.

I anticipated being at home for a few weeks, and then it turned into months. But these months were some of the best months of my life - Mum and I would go walking in the fields around where we live and have tv nights together, me and my friends from held games nights over zoom every Friday night so that we could see each other - it was incredible.

It was during these months at home that I decided, on a whim and not telling anyone other than my parents, to email my old school to see if they were part of any teacher training courses. At this point, I didn’t know for sure if I wanted to go straight into teaching after finishing my degree or if I wanted to do another job for a few years before committing myself to teaching. I’m a big believer in fate, and thought the response that I get to this email will decide.

So I sent it and, miraculously, got a response within a week, saying that they would be delighted to have me. I was ecstatic. Obviously nothing had been confirmed, because I still had to apply and be interviewed, but I had been given the confirmation that I didn’t realise that I so desperately wanted.

I texted my boyfriend and rang my best friend to tell them the news, and they were over the moon for me. But I also had to tell my boyfriend that this meant that I would be moving back to my home town once I finished my degree, something which is now mere months away.

I now had a clear direction in which my life was going, I’d smashed my second year at uni with flying colours, and my confidence in myself had flown up to an all time high. I had completely fallen in love with the person that I had become. Lockdown had also meant that I regained my love of my independence, and I realised that I wasn’t missing my boyfriend at all. In fact, the main person that I was missing was my best friend.

It was at this point that I started to have doubts about my relationship. 

Surely after months of being apart I should’ve started to miss him? I even found myself not looking forward to going to see him for our birthdays as planned. Our text conversations had grown stale, and I didn’t want to call him because I had no clue what to say to him.

I’ve always been very career-minded. My focus was completely on my future plans, and he wasn't there in my visions as my boyfriend. He was there as a friend, yes, but not my boyfriend.

When I went to meet him in our uni city for our birthdays, I felt more like I was meeting up with a good friend and not my boyfriend.

I think by this point I had built all these feelings up so much in my head that it was always going to be hard to move past them. But I said to myself that I wasn’t going to make any decisions about what to do with my relationship until I had moved back to uni for a couple of months and we spent some time together again properly, going back to near enough the way that things used to be before the pandemic took over.

So I moved back to uni, and this takes us nearly up to present day.

First of all, we both worked to run some of the event during the uni’s freshers’ week, which left us exhausted and busy. The week after we went into lectures, and the pressure hit me straight away.

To work at my dream school, I need a first-class degree (that’s the highest ranking of undergraduate degree that you can get in England). Yes, I’m already averaging at a good first, but the pressure to keep it up is immense. If I don’t get this grade, all the things that I’ve worked so hard to achieve will go down the drain.

On top of all my degree work, I was completing my teacher training application, running weekly events at the Students’ Union (SU, for short), being dragged into meetings every other week...it’s been insane.

So me and my boyfriend hadn’t had a single date night since we got back. Again, I hadn’t missed it and I was completely fine with it.

I then got invited for an interview for my teacher training course, and realised how busy I was going to be for the rest of this academic year. I didn’t know how the hell I was going to maintain a relationship on top of everything else. I then thought about what my life would be like when I started my course next September. If I was being realistic, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to maintain a long-distance relationship.

I also didn’t think that I wanted to maintain it. I missed being single, I was putting off date nights that he was trying to arrange in favour of chilling by myself in my room. But I also felt bad that I was essentially going to be putting my relationship on hold for a semester, to then resume as usual for a few months at the beginning of 2021, to then say actually I don’t think I can make this work when I moved home.

So on Tuesday, after much deliberating and talking, my boyfriend and I mutually decided to part ways as a couple after 10 months of being together, but remain the best of friends.

I was a lot more upset than I thought I would be, considering that I had brought the topic up and essentially instigated it (although the decision was mutual).

I sobbed and sobbed, and it was then that I started to doubt my decision. He’s devastated, my Mum too, and I started to wonder if I’d made a mistake.

When talking to my Mum on the phone, I listed all of his good qualities and how amazing he his and my Mum just asked “If he’s this good, as I know he is, why did you want to break up with him? There’s not many like him out there.”

I’m still thinking about that question. It genuinely haunts me.

I’ve been alright for the past few days. After a good sleep on Tuesday night, I woke up feeling okay and like all my doubts about my decision had vanished.

I’ll be honest, I’ve always been a Mummy’s girl. Her opinion and advice mean the world to me. And I know that she disagrees with the decision that I made to leave my boyfriend, she’s said it to my face multiple times. And now, the only thing making me doubt my decision is the fact that she is completely in disagreement, saying how amazing we were together as a couple and questioning how I could let him go.

I know it’s my decision, but her opinion means a lot to me. She’s always known what’s best for me, been so right about so many people, and that’s scaring me beyond belief.

We’re going to talk about it later today, and I have no clue what’s going to happen.

So I’m feeling a bit all over the place at the moment, that’s the only way I can describe it. Who knows what’s going to happen next - I sure don’t...

If you made it this far, honestly congratulations because I don’t think I would’ve 😂

Thank you for listening to me ramble, and thank you for being there for me to talk to.

All my love,

Emily x

[academiadaisies]

my struggles with studying

I don’t expect a lot of people to read this, and I’ll probably end up embarrassed to have typed this all up and posted it by tomorrow, but I think it’s important for me to get this out and away from myself.

I appreciate anyone who reads this, and welcome completely anyone who is/has been in a similar situation to me and wants to talk about it or has some tips. I don’t have a lot of people to talk to about it, I definitely feel like anyone I’m close to will not be a lot of help, and I don’t want to be a mental burden, with them knowing my problem, wanting to help, but not knowing what to do, and blah blah blah... Just know, anyone is completely welcome to reach out to me. I know a lot of people say that online, but I’m just a little cancer moon, cancer rising ;). I’ve got ears and struggles too. Sometimes things are difficult. :)) <3

School has always been my demise. I was basically a corpse just going class to class, making little contribution and writing down what the powerpoint said. I would zone out - not realising at all, come back to myself and suddenly the whole class was doing work, and I would have to swallow my pride, interrupt the person next to me and ask what we were supposed to do.

But my nights were wasted too. I guess I was never really taught to study, and everything I had tried for myself never seemed to work. But I didn’t try often. I remember coming home and turning on my computer to watch the next episodes of my show of the week, my mind in a dull and empty buzz, and next thing I knew it was midnight.

Growing up there was no schedule or routine. No one was really checking I had done my homework, no one checking I was showered or that I had brushed hair. There were no rules either. No specific screen time, no food rules, no bedtime. I know why, my mum was a very hard worker, having a daughter, a job, and university, and I am so grateful for her. She was busy. But it just meant I never knew much discipline. There was no structure, but I wasn’t forgotten. There was no food in the house, but there was money, and I - having no sense of diet - would spend more than was good for me on junk; a six pack of crisps a day, frozen pizza... and today that has never ended, it’s something of an addiction now. The lack of restraint and discipline is apparent everywhere in my life.

In school is where it is at it’s absolute worst. It’s not even an issue of my intelligence. The absolute last thing I want to come across as is conceited, but I did better than I deserved my first two years of high school exams having never studied for them, except maybe a bit of rereading and desperate attempts to memorise the night before. I passed everything, bar one, and sometimes with A’s.

But last year was inarguably my worst year ever, and it has bled into this year too. My attendance was below 50%, I came in maybe two or three days a week, sometimes only finally getting the motivation to show up in the afternoon, and even then I would hide away in pupil support classes, still not doing any work. My mum phoning me and screaming down the line as soon as she got the absent text. Me not knowing how to explain that I just couldn’t physically force myself to get up and ready. I started with 5 subjects and finished with 2, both of which I initially failed, but those grades were redacted because people argued the SQA were not grading fairly, basing grades on location instead of merit, and so I scraped by with two C’s. I absolutely would not have passed if not for the pandemic.

This year is hard to tell where I would be in a normal situation. I like to believe it was going to be so much better. The idea of leaving high school and entering college*. It was a fresh start. I was supposed to get my work done the day it was handed out, I was supposed to be more extroverted, and become a leader like I always wanted. But, of course, it’s all online. I think a major benefit of it is I don’t have much excuse not to be in class anymore. I can (and usually do) wake up minutes before the class starts, and do it all from bed, so if I was left to my own devices to get myself there and back, I’d bet my attendance has skyrocketed from what I it would have been. Though, my college is quite far, and I think my mum seeing to that I was on a bus, or even not in the house when she has to leave, would have been enough to ensure I was there too. If it was in person I would have no where to hide too. I wouldn’t get to have my camera off and play games during classes and not take notes, the lecturers would see. I’d have to take notes and I don’t usually do that. I wish I had. But then that just begs the question of would it be a repeat of high school? Would I be a corpse that goes through college classes blankly instead of high school ones? I really don’t know what to think. But today my college work is suffering. I have seven vital pieces of work long overdue, and I think the weight of all of them on my brain stops me from doing even one.

*If you’re not familiar with the system here, college is basically a stage after high school but below university in Scotland, that not everybody goes to. I’m not sure the school systems everywhere in the world but it’s not the equivalent of sixth form college in England, or what’s called college in the US, which would be university here. I’m sorry if this sounds dumb because there’s probably this everywhere in the world but I just want to clarify what stage I’m at exactly. I’m taking a HNC which is kind of the equivalent of first year university.

And so it leads me to believe I have ADD/ADHD. I really am not about to self diagnose. Although it might be enough for some, I often worry I’m a bit of a paranoid person, and that I like to jump to the most “extreme” conclusions, but I don’t think my livelihood makes it totally unlikely.

I find myself devoting my time and what motivation I have to things that just don’t matter. I’ve memorised maps of the US, Europe, Scotland and Ireland. I took up interests in religion and astrology, buying crystals as if they were coming to save me like all the TikToks say. I’ve taught myself bits of piano, British Sign Language, chess, Teeline shorthand and Morse code, just to give up. I even made it to 100 days on Duolingo learning Scottish Gaelic before I stopped that too. Engrossed in wide varieties of things that I’d love to be great at, abandoning it because I’ve decided I’m bored.

But the worst waste of my time is always spent on my phone. I am a huge advocate for downtime, not every single second has to be productive. But it’s never good to have a 12 hour daily screen time average.

I can never concentrate either. I can’t force myself to. As I write this I have an essay due I’ve had for a month, and I’m going to have to do it all tomorrow. I don’t understand why I can’t physically force myself to get it done. I always think, “why am I on TikTok when I have an essay due?” And I never really have a reason. Even my driving instructor told me to get tested because, especially nearing the end of the lessons, my attention starts to waver, and I find her having to change gears for me sometimes, and warning me to stop looking at whatever might pass by.

I have a little list of priorities in my mind too. I keep reminding myself that I have this essay and this assignment to do, but I also have ideas of starting a blog or reading a book. The school work is first in the list of priorities, I know it needs to be done first and so I take it to the extreme and can’t seem to do anything meaningful at all until it’s gone. Of course, it never is gone, I never do it, and I find myself scrolling social medias all day, a perfectly anodyne time waster. No substance and no thoughts.

But I’m a perfectionist too, with very little confidence. I can tell part of me puts it off because it needs to be as good as it possibly can be, and another part tells me I’ll start it later, I’ll feel better about it later. I have big ideas, that if only I could force myself to do, would be great, but the idea of it not being good enough only puts me off. I’d not do the work until it’s at the point where the excuse is “it’s only bad because I didn’t give myself enough time to do it,” because of the fear of the possibility “it’s bad because I’m bad at it.”

Part of my inability to really do anything I think also had to do with depression. ADD/ADHD makes my life chaos. My room is a mess, there is no organisation or structure in my day, there is no motivation to fix it, no understanding of how to fix it. I’m a very intuitive person, because I have to be. Any decision I make is unknown to me until it’s happening really. I can’t plan when I’m starting work, sometimes I just have to hope I get the motivation to open my laptop. I think depression feeds off the ADD/ADHD symptoms. My room is messy because I can’t be organised, then my mindset worsens because I have such a terrible, unlivable space with no motivation to do anything about it, and it just stays that way. I can’t concentrate long enough to do work, then my mindset worsens because it means I have work overdue, that will have bad consequences, people disappointed in me, and etc, etc. I’m sorry, I don’t think I’m articulating myself well here. I’m intuitive in decisions but I’m also an overthinker. Or maybe just more of a worrier. I don’t do the work and so, every time my phone pings I jump and check cautiously because I fear it’s my lecturer messaging me that I’m off the course. The depression really took a terrible toll on my life. I won’t get too into it but I can hardly talk to friends, find the motivation to shower, or even go outside. All I find myself doing is lying in bed staring at a screen. I don’t know what else I can really do about it.

And the worst part is, in my mind, I have myself convinced that it’s not even that bad. That it’ll be okay tomorrow, I’ll change tomorrow, as if I’m not long past the point of this just being a little off day.

But one thing I do I know is a symptom of ADD/ADHD, which consumes my whole mind, is my hyperfixation. I won’t go too deep but basically for just over a year it’s been an honestly unsubstantial book I read. Loved by many, but nothing special, in comparison. I’ve only read it maybe twice all the way through but it never leaves my mind. I relish in any and all fan works, stalking the ao3 works, refreshing the tumblr tag. I can just stand and jump and pace, while listening to one song on repeat, thinking about the characters in all kinds of scenarios for hours on end. I can imagine the main character as me in everything I do; as I pick up a book from my bookshelf, as I walk my dog, as I lay down at night. I constantly compare myself to him too, feeling bad that I’m not as similar or good. I hate it. I don’t know if I even like the book anymore, I don’t think it’s possible to tell, I’m just obsessed with it.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it really. The NHS don’t diagnose ADHD in adults, and I’m only 18. I’ve been this way my whole life but no one ever paid much attention to it. When I told my mum I think I have depression, she laughed at me, then got really angry, saying I’m not depressed just lazy, before buying me flowers and telling me she was worried I was going to hurt myself. Now I feel like I can’t speak about anything serious like this rationally because she looks for every reason that there is no problem, and if there is it’s the worst possible case, and “oh I’ve been a terrible mum.”

I don’t understand my problem. I have big dreams and goals for my life, I know what I am doing now will never get me anywhere but still that knowledge is not enough to get me to do what I need to. I’ve even written this post over eight days, for all the distractions and lack of motivation I’ve had to finish it. It’s a never ending cycle, but I really hope having this out there now will spark something in me. I’m sure this will make someone feel better about their situation now too, and that’s totally okay! If it can help someone, right? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I’m sorry I probably brought up a lot of completely irrelevant stuff, and went into tangents at times, but I just wanted to stress how it all plays into each other. They’re all connected, which brings a lack of motivation and discipline to my life and my work. I just want to let it all go.

Again, I really don’t think many people will read this but anyone is completely welcome to message. If anyone has some tips for people who can just never concentrate, or also anyone who is in social sciencey type courses (psychology, sociology, politics esp) and has some tips for doing that too I’d be so grateful. :) <3 (also this is a repost because I tried posting last night but it wouldn’t go to the tag, hope it works this time)

[matildainmotion]

An invitation to MWMs May Special for Non-binary/ Trans Mothers and Carers, and/or Mothers and Carers of Non-binary/ Trans Children

Image by Xavier Singer-Kingsmith for Gray, Nicky Singer’s new book. 

From Matilda:

In a month in which my son’s primary focus is the forthcoming arrival of his Lord of The Rings Conquest game and my daughter has just discovered Barbie, I am glad to be able to hold space for some less cis options in between. 

On Friday May 28th 10am-12pm I will be holding a MWM Special for non-binary or trans mothers and carers and/ or mothers and carers of non-binary or trans children. I am delighted to introduce the two guests for this meeting: writer and mother Nicky Singer, and director and mother P. Burton Morgan. Please read on for their invitations below:

From Nicky: 

My youngest child Xavier (now 24) identifies as a trans man. He is a dancer by training, filmmaker by inclination (shorts for Channel 4 and BBC Arts) and visual artist in the spaces between. I am primarily a novelist - though I have strayed on to the stage for the National Theatre and Glyndebourne. Xavier and I have been working together on my new novel for adults ‘Gray’ – with me on words and Xavier on pictures. The novel is a story of identity, boundaries, intimacy and that ‘place beyond language’ where some trans issues invite investigation. The journey is ongoing. The unexpected is every day. It’s not always easy. There’s joy. Here (above) is one of the illustrations from the book. I am interested in the personal, the creative, the political and how to keep nuance and complexity in the debate.

From P Burton Morgan:

We’re all of us artist mothers wrestling with imposter syndrome at one time or another I’m sure. I can’t be the only one whose work has shifted a bit during the pandemic. I was previously mostly a writer and director of stage work, now increasingly embracing film. But as we all push ourselves, or are unceremoniously shoved, out of our comfort zones we have to confront those pesky inner critics questioning our right to be there, to be taking up space doing something for which we’re wildly unqualified and painfully inexperienced. And so here I am today inviting you all to join me for a session on non-binary parenting / motherhood.

I am as out of my depth here, as I am in my newfound role as a film-maker because I only came out as non-binary last year, and unlike my trans sibling who has been vocally active and activist in their writing and general change-making around trans awareness and trans support for years, I am still taking baby-steps in putting words out into the world that combine my gender politics with my own gender identity and/or gender presentation. Like many enbys I’m still struggling to feel ‘trans enough’ to take up space on trans/NB platforms (which this is of course one). I’m also at great pains to point out that my unique situation (coming out as NB in my mid… ok late… thirties, after already having two children) is going to be so very different to parents/mothers who come out much earlier. I’m also married to a cis man so on a day where I choose to present more femme, or just less androgynously, we can pass as a ‘conventional’ heteronormative couple, which makes life less challenging in the small rural village where we live.

So after that uncharacteristically hesitant opening let me ask some provocations which maybe we can explore together in the session. I sure as hell don’t have the answers, but maybe collectively we can grope our way towards something resembling solutions.

Pronouns. I prefer they/them but apart from my 8 year old who has assimilated that change wholeheartedly (perhaps because he has inherited his mother’s love of, and precision with, language) everyone else reverts to ‘she’ unless I remind them. That is perhaps just part of the deal with changing your pronouns later in life. Especially for family and folk who’ve known you for decades, it takes time to change.

I still use the word ‘mum’ and ‘mother’ to describe myself, but also sometimes simply parent. For me the term 'mum' is a role, almost independent of gender. But I know other parents use other terms. And although I do still use my birth name ‘Poppy’ I now work professionally entirely under P Burton-Morgan.

So that's one thing to discuss - embracing evolving pronouns and names.

What else… gender presentation. Since making peace with who I am, and where I feel at home, I now always identify as non-binary or gender queer but I sometimes still present in a more feminine way, sometimes because that’s how I feel that day and also, if I’m honest, to avoid conflict and micro aggressions in situations and scenarios where I know my queer identity is going to be problematised. Sigh.

Conversely both my children currently identify very happily as male but because they have been raised in a household that eschews traditional gender binaries in terms of clothing they often wear leggings, sequins, nail varnish, and one of them has long hair cut in what many would describe as a ‘feminine’ style. We obviously move in (thankfully) liberal circles but they’ve rarely been challenged on their sartorial choices, and I remember the nursery used to be wonderfully supportive when one of them would come to pre-school in a beloved pink tutu. Sarah Jessica Parker eat your heart out! Just the other day we were in the playground when a child asked my eldest if he was a girl or a boy, but with no judgement, simply trying to ascertain the facts. And he equally matter of factly answered that he was a boy and they carried on playing in the sand.

I wish my experiences were similarly straightforward. But partly that’s why I don’t bother correcting people when they slip up with my pronouns - sometimes there’s more anxiety induced by people trying to get it right and walking on eggshells around me, over emphasising the ‘they’ and then furiously fumbling to correct themselves when they say she. So I just try to be chill about it.

At the end of the day, as an NB parent, or a parent of an NB or trans child, we all want the same thing - acceptance. Queer identity will only ever be a greater or lesser part of a larger identity. For few (maybe none) of us is it our defining feature. And as well all know from inhabiting the dual roles of mother and artist - the nature of our multi-layered messy lives is that our identities may overlap or even conflict with each other, we all contain multitudes - but we are not defined by any one aspect of our complex selves…

So join me in a gentle exploration of these overlapping messy parts of ourselves and let's see how we can support each other and what wisdom we can discover.

To book your place on the meeting (places limited) please go here

And for any questions please email matilda@motherswhomake.org