#Associated with someone like him but I also think a lot of our anger is misdirected?? The whole enjoy watching poc women getting brutalized

[unoriginalcontent]

Been thinking a bit about this post; I do believe that to empathize with Trump voters, at least on an intellectual level, is important for purely pragmatic reasons. The idea there is that the right wing propaganda machine is a menace that no one knows how to deal with, and so if we can understand the concerns and anxieties of the conservative voter, we might have an opportunity to demonstrate how Trump is tangibly not addressing their problems and turn them against him. And hell, even if they did vote for him out of bigotry, maybe they'll still be willing to turn on him out of self-interest. However much it sucks, many of these people will not care if you simply point out that his policies harm other people. They've already set the human cost aside as acceptable losses, or else they outright support harming these people, which is why a different strategy is necessary for them. If we can get conservatives to turn on Trump, then even if it's not for the right and morally-correct reasons, that's still a win.

Of course that's all in reference to conservatives who were probably already predisposed towards whoever has an R next to their name on the ballot. When it comes to leftists who refuse to associate with democrats out of protest, I just don't know. I can understand that someone might want to vote out of self-interest and also believe that a Trump presidency is beneficial to them. Obviously they're likely to be wrong, but it's not hypocritical to have believed a lie and acted accordingly. Conversely, I think most leftists are people who will claim that government and voting shouldn't just be about self-interest, and that helping other people is a worthy end unto itself. And yeah, they should have known better.

If you're educated enough on the issues to have known all of Harris's shortcomings, how the hell do you not also know Trump's? If you know them both, how the hell can you conflate the two as equally bad?

We have this idea in the left that our systems are bad, and therefore we can never make progress until we destroy the systems entirely and build something new from the ashes. If you believe that, then please get your head out of the clouds because that's what Trump and Musk are trying to give us, and it turns out to be bad. We live in the system, we depend on the system, if we didn't then it wouldn't matter how many federal programs Trump is trying to abolish. Even if you specifically will be fine, you're writing everyone else off as an acceptable loss. It's not wrong to imagine and strive for a better world than this one, but unless you have viable alternatives ready and waiting, you won't get there by breaking things.

Maybe it's unfair to blame the current situation on people on the left who didn't vote for Harris. I don't even know how much blame matters at this point. And yet I think this is an important thing for all of us to keep in mind. Your moral clarity can be used against you. No matter how good and pure your ideals are, the real world has to come first. And right now that means acknowledging that a huge portion of our democracy chose Trump. And they don't care if you're hurt from his policies, or if I'm hurt, for a lot of these voters your suffering is probably just sugar on top. OP is absolutely right, they probably don't regret wishing leopards onto other people, but that doesn't mean it's not worth convincing them that we should stop the leopards before their faces are eaten. People are going to be poisoned by food which they voted to deregulate, and a part of me wants to think of that as justice. I feel angry. I feel spiteful. These people are taking human rights violations and touting them as victories, fuck them. But anger and spite won't fix anything, even from our side. And no matter how awful some of these people might be, together they're a hell of a voting block. I wish that I could force people to care about the suffering of others, but I can't. And so I hope that it's possible to at least get them to care about themselves.

And if you do think of yourself as progressive, and you still refused to vote for Harris, then I think OP is right, and you really do take a look at yourself. It is true that many of our problems are created and perpetuated by larger institutions beyond our control, but when it comes to democracy, it's not enough blame the system. You're a part of the system. If you don't want to participate, you need to have an alternative that is—crucially—viable, actionable, and realistic in the immediate short term. If you don't have that, which I guarantee you don't, then high-stakes elections are not the time for moral grandstanding.

Sorry for rambling here on your post, I'm probably a bit scattered. I've been having a lot of discussions with people about this sort of thing lately. Whatever strategy the left has for winning hearts and minds, it clearly hasn't worked if someone like that can still win the popular vote. I don't know how to fix that. But I think we all need to be a lot more comfortable ceding the moral high ground if it means making progress in the trenches.

Trump voters owe me financial compensation.

[ithinkhemeows]

.

[tubbypeddle]

Hi! I know it was awhile ago but I was the requester for the Bucci Gang w/ autistic s/o dhdbdbskd. I absolutely loved it!! Now dare I ask but do you maybe also have any headcanons for an autistic s/o but with La Squadra? I love them sm dhdhdjdkdn and I'd really appreciate it!! Especially with any comfort ideas you may have for it too! (as a possible bonus hehe) Love your writing and thanks again!!

Hi again!!1!11!!

I apologize for taking forever answering this one. I was working on a secret little project and forgot to clear out my inbox like I've been meaning to.

anyway i was super excited to start this one

(author's note: credits to gif owners, of course, i don't own them <3)

anyway (again)

Risotto

Risotto is very firm by nature. Or, at least, he is after you've met him.

When he finds out you're autistic, he might become a little more firm with you. He puts in place rules for you to follow that may seem a little unfair.

But it's dangerous, being associated with him.

It's not intentional, but he thinks of you as weaker than him. He feels a stronger urge to protect you than everyone else. Everyone else in the Execution Squad have Stands to defend themselves. You may not. He does not want you to be taken advantage of.

It may take a big argument to clear this up, because he's rather dense when things aren't being spelled out for him word for word. At least, in situations like these.

After that, though, he takes more time to observe you so he can note what makes you happy. So he's less likely to upset you in the future.

Ghiaccio

He's definitely a little autistic. I imagine him a little like Sheldon from Young Sheldon LMAO

No but seriously, he's quieter with you. You understand him in a way that's different from the way the others understand him. He still gets very agitated very quickly, but it's different with you.

The two of you can bond over your hatred for textures, too. Velvet or velcro feels like hellfire on your skin. (oops a little projection on my part)

He doesn't ever point any of his anger out on you. And if he even suspects that you might've been upset by his outbursts, he's quick to apologize.

The others make fun of him for it. They call him soft, like snow instead of ice. But he can't bring himself to care. Not when you're the only one on the team that could even begin to comprehend his thoughts.

Melone

Despite his...very obvious gooning, he is still a genius. He's observant, he's technical, and he probably knows you're autistic before you tell him.

He subtly prompts you to talk about your special interests, just so he can listen to you talk. Other than Ghiaccio, and maybe Pesci, he might be the most understanding, even though he's not autistic himself.

He definitely is a little neurodivergent himself, but he's not autistic.

It's not often that he gets you gifts for ur special interest, because he'd rather listen to you talk about it while he's working. It's like listening to a podcast while he works.

He eats all the food you can't eat easily. It's not like he minds.

Prosciutto

Mmmmmm, truthfully, you might get along with him the least.

He's a nitpicker. And, as an autistic myself, I know it's hard to differentiate between when he's just picking at our flaws, or when he's just saying things to say them.

He nitpicks to make you as perfect for him as what he believes he deserves. It's a weird complex.

Someone who's autistic has a harder time just brushing off his coddling and aggressive doting because he's all up in your face about it.

That isn't to say that you don't get along with him at all. He's rather sweet when he's not, y'know. He does things for you, he gets you gifts, all that fun stuff. It's just about the nitpicking that you two get into arguments about, really. Because he does like hearing you talk, and he does sweet things for you, too.

It's really just that one habit that you can't get over. It takes a lot to break him out of it, if you have the patience for that.

Formaggio

He's a great communicator boyfriend. He likes talking to you a lot, and listening to you in turn.

It's a pretty smooth ride into the relationship with the two of you. Since Formaggio is very open to talking out any of your issues calmly, rather than starting an argument, or avoiding a topic entirely until resentment starts to build.

You can appreciate his straight forward attitude on communication.

It doesn't take long for him to clock what your interests are because of his easy communication.

Out of all of the gang, he's the smoothest about how he goes about finding out how to get you gifts. He'll ask you to talk about your interests, which isn't out of the ordinary for him, while mentally noting which things you're more into, which ones you've expressed wanting more content for.

And, what do you know, figurines and books will appear in your room as if Santa came early.

Illuso

He doesn't exactly understand it, or why you act the way you do sometimes. But he likes you well enough, so he's willing to learn.

He takes the food you won't eat, he keeps the textures you don't like away from you. He memorizes what your reactions to things mean, how you stim, even.

Most of this is not intentional. He's just good at stuff like this. He's a very keen people watcher, which is why he's usually assigned to stake outs or kidnappings. (He's a stalker)

(Man in the Mirror makes it easy)

He mentions your interests off handedly, just because he likes to see you light up.

Pesci

(i hate this gif so much LMAO stop caressin him like that)

Similar to Formaggio, he's an excellent communicator. You're a lot nicer to him than his fratello, at least.

He enjoys your straightforward attitude and tendencies. It's a lot easier to understand than Prosciutto's aggressive corrections.

He might be a little dense, so he won't pick up on your autism for a long time. You might even have to tell him straight up that you're autistic because he won't piece it together himself.

But that's okay. He makes up for his density by being a sweetheart.

He also will take the food you don't want to eat. He's not picky.

He likes to learn about your interests so that he can have in depth conversations about them with you. If your interests are a little morbid, he may get a little squeamish, but he can deal with it, he assures you. He's a grown man. In the Mafia. He can handle something a little morbid, he's seen worse.

(he can't, but he tries to anyway)

Gelato and Sorbet

They're a package deal, because of course they are.

Gelato might not notice at first. Not like Sorbet does. Sorbet had actually graduated from university, with a bachelor's in psychology. So he definitely knows you're not neurotypical, at least.

They're both very open to your mannerisms, though. Neither of them are bothered by petty things like how you eat your food or what blankets you like more than others.

They're more than willing to accommodate for you. Changing one thing about their routine is a small price to pay to make sure you're comfortable with them.

Gelato is almost aggressive with how he'll defend you about what makes you comfortable, while Sorbet is a little more composed. But no less deranged, really.

Both of their first instincts is violence, in different ways.

-

good god this took me way longer than i wanted it to, but my life got way too complicated way too fast, so i was a little distracted. sorry for the wait!

[pengugu09]

THEORY TIME😍🤩🤩😢 don't share this on other media's w/o permission or credits‼️

(for those who have patreon, don't ruin my delusional gyat)

Looking back at these deleted official art by vivinos:

2/3 of the characters in this picture have already experienced smth bad (which is death)

But I want to share my opinions on this one since it just, well- strike on my mind

The characters are divided with these hearts surrounding their name with their corresponding eye color

So I'm assuming the reason why Sua and Ivan are holding an apple is prolly because it's a visual representation of who they love.

💜SUA💜

Sua is holding the apple with tender care using both of her hands just like how she have her feelings for Mizi, she treasures their relationship so much that Sua looks stressed (at the picture) since she knows the bad things that the aliens are doing in their society unlike Mizi who has a supportive and non-abusive aliens/guardians and doesn't have a clue (yet) on the negative side of these alien invasion.

When it comes to the outfit, she's wearing a princess gown.. but with a cape(?) like a superhero cape one? Is that why they deleted it because it shows a sign about the ROMH Sua ver?

"My savior, pitiful lady. Make me your god, I can give you everything"

It also shows that Sua is Mizi's inspiration, savior, or even a hero the moment they met, and have that spark even grew while she admires her.

🖤IVAN🖤

Ivan is holding the apple carefree, even smiling in the picture, showing no signs of any negative feelings (stressed, upset, anger, etc.)

This is something like- how we view Ivan base on appearance yet never know what runs on his mind behind that smile, knowing that something negative may be happening but he still keeps his calm composure about it.

As for his outfit, a charming prince, simple design for someone who has good looks

(mb I don't have anything else to say😭)

🩶HYUNA🩶

Hyuna.

She's not holding any apple. Which means that she don't have any feelings for anyone (sorry Luka) but she's doing a gun sign instead, which is foreshadowing on her situation since she got shot on her right arm.

Now, as much as possible I don't want our queen Hyuna to die at the next round but I think there's a 50/50 possibility.

That picture at the top is a picture of dead characters, but Hyuna isn't dead(?) is this foreshadowing that Hyuna is next??? Aside from being shot at her arm, we'll never know what did Mizi and Hyuna do next since there primary goal there is to save the alien stage contestants, and it's smh delayed since they got into a trouble that they never expected to happen.

On her outfit, I don't know what style is this called my bad, but she got this purple coat, black fur, and a hat with a feather on it.

PURPLE COAT. PURPLE. She's wearing a color associated with someone. (I hope that this isn't just color theory, if it is I'm going to cry)

And that someone is no one else other than:

*drum rolls*

Luka has been associated with purple in a lot of scenes.

In my opinion, Luka has a part in Hyuna's life ofc, even though Hyuna doesn't have this romantic feelings for Luka, she still values him as a childhood friend but then their relationship as they grow up begins to be complicated. (I won't explain it any further since this might become a whole ahh fanfic with how much number of the words that I've typed out)

So, I think, that Luka will be involve when something bad happen to Hyuna, but I really hope nothing bad happens to her since she has a great potential on how the story plot will go.

[might edit to correct some minor spellings or grammar]

[verdantwyrm]

Jimmy is my comfort character in Mouthwashing.

I was in an abusive relationship which made me fixated on my abuser and isolated me from the rest of the world. I was also gaslit into thinking I was the villain.

Because of that, I can't help but associate myself with Jimmy, instead of his victims. The way he is obsessed with Curly hits too close to home for me. I know how it feels to love and hate someone at the same time. I know the crippling fear of losing this someone, because that would rob you of your identity, your purpose- your only reason to live. I know how tempting it feels to commit suicide instead of trying to rebuild your sense of self or face reality. And seeing Jimmy cry and beg- even if his guilt and confession still reeked with narcissism- made me flashback to those times I felt worthless and undone before the only person I cared about.

Jimmy can mean a lot to people. And I think the fandom would do well to be inquisitive and extend empathy to those who kin Jimmy instead of pretending these people don't exist or attacking them.

(.づ◡﹏◡)づ. Don't worry Anon, I understand.

I'm also in a very similar situation and have been for a long time with my parents. It's hard not to see myself in Jimmy, his obsessions, his anger, spite, desperation and fears. He is an extremely relatable character and it hurts because he is extremely uncomfortably human.

All of the characters are in some way, they remind us of our best and worst moments. I love Jimmy, he is an extremely well written character and I can't help but bleed for him because i've also been like that at my weakest, my worst moments.

You're safe here, and I will not shame you or anyone for finding comfort or relatability in Jimmy. He is a part of alot of people live and kick to ignore and deny but its still a part of us we have to face and deal with in whatever way is possible and right, painfully and uncomfortably reminding us that we too can be like that, sometimes we're simply shaped that way by our environments and the people around us, and thats not our fault, what you experienced as a child or as a teenager, or even as an adult, was never ever your fault, and sometimes seeking solace in characters that show the real ugliness behind mental illnesses and what this sort of thing does actually look like helps us reflect on who we are and who we want to be.

Mental illness is never pretty or flattering, its raw, ugly, incoherent and sometimes disgusting, but its human. It's apart of us. And theres no shame in that.

From one similar experience to another, and whoever else is reading this, I hope your journey is unfiltered, I hope you're able to get out those emotions and let yourself feel and experience it safely. You're not disgusting or horrible for finding relatability and comfort in Jimmy, don't let anyone tell you how to deal with your emotions.

Take care of yourself, Anon. (ɔ ˘⌣˘)˘⌣˘ c)

[hypermoyashi]

Alright! Tonight, I read chapters 14-16 of Trigun! I think I'm a little bit behind the bookclub schedule by this point, but my Trimax Deluxe edition hasn't come yet, so I'm gonna continue to work my way through it!

Thoughts are long with time, so I'm placing them under a cut! Warnings for mentions of gore/violence and implied/alluded abuse (though we haven't quite gotten there in canon yet).

I got lots of thoughts on this one! We see the first of the Gung-ho Guns, Monev! His story is kind of interesting, but he and E.G. the Mine might be a little cooler/more interesting in Tristamp rekngjrkeng I do love! The Diablo moment, though, which we do not get in Tristamp! It really highlights how much Vash cares, how easily he's angered--of course he's going to be angry, seeing a bunch of innocent people hurt or killed because someone was coming after him. Gouging out Monev's eye... Man. And then that moment where he's so angry he's really, really thinking about killing Monev, and he just remembers Rem, and. Ho boy, I can definitely relate to that moment where all that anger turns to guilt and sorrow, when you feel like you don't have the right to be angry over something. All that emotion's gotta go somewhere! And man, watching Vash just break down hugging his gun to his chest really, really hit home ;~; (I also loved the detail that even walking away from Monev, Vash's finger never left the trigger--just in case.)

E.G. the Mine kind of went down laughably quick lol. I wonder if Legato just nabbed him because he wanted a round number. I do love the moment at the end where Vash shoots at Legato and says he's taking over the game, and that Legato needs to play by his rules now, namely not killing the Gung-ho Guns after they've failed/run away like they did with Monev. Very cool move, very Vash!

Also!!! Back to the Monev parts, I loved. The little Merylmilly moments, of Meryl trying to step into the fight and help Vash, of getting knocked out and then Milly running to her to cradle her in her arms. Very cute moment ;~; Their concern for Vash was already so palpable, and I really loved the scene where they meet Vash in his room after the fight and get the first look at his scars. It really highlights the price of his ideals, that saving people isn't easy and sparing his opponents isn't something he does lightly. He's aware of the cost, and he's accepted it. I also thought Meryl's reassurance that his appearance wouldn't run ladies off was really cute ;~;

And! I think this our first Knives appearance, as well? Man, what a menacing introduction. We still haven't so much as seen his face, he's just a looming figure in Vash's memories, and so far, he's only been associated with bad ones--even that soft moment with Rem, Vash states, "It's just you and me." Knives is noticeably absent and not brought up during Vash's happy memories, but we do know they were close once. I do think it highlights how much Vash doesn't want to remember or think about Knives, all the bad memories and trauma wrapped up in him--the fact he was responsible for Rem's death, for attempting to wipe humanity out, and for all the horrible things Knives is about to do to Vash we haven't seen yet.

I did also like the moment where Knives admits Rem got him, correcting the course of the ships so they wouldn't wipe out all the sleeping humans when they crashed/landed. That was a neat moment!

Really having fun with the re-read!! Might be a bit before my next post, though, since I'll be busy next week.

[thepictureofjune]

The music of Noah Temel

— from anger to loss to self discovery and love

this has been in my docs for two months now and it's (hopefully) the last day to actually post sad Noah content so might as well drop it now.

What is this? Songs I associate with Noah and kinda why I chose to associate them with him. Kinda Nolin focused tho obviosuly. :)

Nolin Playlist in case anyone is curious abt other songs

Verschwende deine Zeit by Edwin Rosen

Ich verschwende meine Jugend Verschwende mein Geld Ich verschwende meine Hoffnung Und alles zerfällt Ich verschwende meine Zeit Meine Zeit mit dir Verschwende meine Zeit Meine Zeit mit dir Du verschwendest deine Liebe Verschwendest dein Geld Du verschwendest deine Hoffnung Ich schau zu, wie du zerfällst Du verschwendest deine Zeit Deine Zeit mit mir Verschwendest deine Zeit Deine Zeit mit mir

Noah doesn’t want to be at Einstein, he has a hard time making friends and is basically just wasting time until he is allowed to leave again but then Colin comes around and suddenly they are wasting their time together. They make movies, they watch movies, they joke, they banter, etc. It’s all easy and there are never any issues between them as they are only wasting time together by staring at walls and thinking of nothing. Through this motion, Colin becomes Noahs best friend, his favorite person because he is the only one Noah can waste his time with and have it actually not feel like wasted time.

1980s Horror Film by Wallows 

It seems so long I need someone I don't know what to say She was sitting there I could touch her hair But still we watch A 1980s horror film Jamie I don't know what to say to you I feel You're always on my mind

Colin invites him to see a movie as an apology and also to demonstrate that he truly wants to be his friend. Noah seems like he hasn’t had a friend in quite a while now and that he missed having one and well, after the visit theatre and some quick resolved tension, Colin is always on his mind, isnt he? He is in fact so much on Noahs mind that Noah has to make a whole own movie in order to focus on his feelings.

Crush Culture by Conan Gray

I don't care if I'm forever alone I'm not falling for you 'Cause this baby is loveproof (culture) I don't care what you're sayin' I don't wanna participate in your game of manipulation (crush) And no, I don't want your sympathy, all this love is suffocating Just let me be sad and lonely

Basically Noah after the kiss up until 1056 and you can't convince me otherwise

When you’re gone by Shawn Mendes

I need to learn how to cope without you I'm tryna protect myself, but only you know how to, yeah Oh, I know what we're supposed to do Oh, but I hate the thought of losing you So I'm just tryna hold on Hold on, I don't wanna know what it's like when you're gone I don't wanna move on I don't wanna know what it's like when you're gone for good You're slipping through my fingertips A little bit, by a little bit I didn't know that loving you was the happiest I've ever been

Noah misses Colin as soon as he is gone, coming down with the realization that aside from Colin, he really didn’t have a lot that kept him at the school.

Deep End by Felix (Stray Kids)

How've you been? I guess you're fine It's been pretty long Since we've last seen Honestly Throughout my life Deep inside I never felt alive The way you used to touch my soul Was always so sweet and lovely No matter how far apart we were You'd always pick up the phone But now I'm truly all alone in this world I miss the way you felt so close to my bones

To be Alone by Hozier 

All I've ever done is hide From our times when you're near me Honey, when you kill the lights and kiss my eyes I feel like a person for a moment of my life But you don't know what hell you put me through To have someone kiss the skin that crawls from you To feel your weight in arms I'd never use It's the god that heroin prays to Oh to be alone with you

I do feel like if Noah ever admits his feelings, he’d go crazy Hozier-level obsessed with Colin. Also I’ll leave you with Hozier himself explaining the message of the song: "The artist explains that being alone is not necessarily a bad thing. It can be a source of self-discovery and self-reflection, allowing one to discover their true self."

Pretty Noah at the end of 1056 + 1057 to me up until the Ava talk scene.

so american by Olivia Rodrigo

He says I'm pretty wearin' his clothes And he's got hands that make hell seem cold Feet on the dashboard He's like a poem I wish I wrote I wish I wrote When he laughs at all my jokes And he says I'm so american Oh god, it's just not fair of him To make me feel this much I'll go anywhere he goes

Hear me out. It makes sense

I guess I'm in love by Clinton Kane

Oh, I'm obsessed With the way your head is laying on my chest How you love the things I hate about myself And no one knows, but with you, I see hope again Oh, I'm a mess When I overthink the little things in my head You seem to always help me catch my breath But then I lose it again, when I look at you, that's the end And why do I get so nervous when I look into your eyes? Butterflies can't stop me falling for you And darling, this is more than anything I felt before You're everything that I want, but I didn't think I'd find Someone who is worth the wait of all the years of my heartbreak But I know now I found the one I love

Extra: I won’t say (I’m in Love) 

No chance, no way I won't say it, no, no It's too cliché I won't say I'm in love I thought my heart had learned its lesson It feels so good when you start out My head is screaming "Get a grip, girl Unless you're dying to cry your heart out" You keep on denying Who you are and how you're feeling Baby, we're not buying Hon, we saw you hit the ceiling (Oh, no) Face it like a grown-up When you gonna own up That you got, got, got it bad?

Pretty self-explanatory…The little vocals obviously relate to Ava and Joel and how they feel about Noah not admitting anything.

will upload the colin version of this in a bit, see ya then and happy calm before the storm day :]

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hey Cas, hope you are well.

I'm sorry about this but I just need to vent you don't even have to answer I just want to say it cause I feel sick somehow.

So when I was in my final year of high school(2021) I got into a relationship with this guy, he was amazing and everything was going good until he ghosted me, he blocked me, and then came back after a month saying his phone had died and he had no means of contacting me and whatever. Unfortunately, the relationship ended.

Anyway we went our separate ways and it was very hard for me for months after that, that is until a friend sent me some voice messages that were sent to her by the very same guy telling her that he had blocked me and everyone close to me for that month because he just didn't want to speak to me and that I was basically not enough for him, and I wasn't what he thought I was before we got together. From there on I was angry no longer sad or anything just angry and mad cause he could've just told me that the relationship wasn't working for him and I would've understood instead of doing this right??

Sadly, he was killed earlier this year (he was shot in a club), and that hurt me cause. Well, I once loved the guy right. Anyway, when we broke up, I deleted everything associated with him, our chats, pictures, everything, or so I thought. Imagine my surprise when I'm going through my emails today, and I find emails from him. I had a full on panic attack and every emotion I've ever felt for him just resurfaced, the love I once felt for him, the anger when I found out the truth, everything just came back and I think I'm not truly over him. But how do I get over someone I can't even talk to anymore? There's no closure I can get anymore as he's no longer living. I'm truly confused about how to deal with this.

What makes it worse is that I'm currently in a relationship right now. It's fairly new, and I feel like it's unfair on my current partner for me to have such feelings. I literally have no idea how I'm going to deal with this, I just wanna move on and be happy, is that too much to ask?

Sorry for the long message.

Hi <3

Honestly, that IS a lot to deal with and I'm so sorry youre going through this. I think the best way to process it is to talk about it. If you're able to, it might be a good idea to try to find a therapist. Even if you just go for a short while, having a professional to sort out your feelings would be very helpful in this case.

If not, you need a support system who can talk to you about this. Friends, family, people who can talk to you and help you process. Please don't bottle it up, talk through it.

As far as your current boyfriend, I think you need to be honest. Tell him what you're dealing with and that you're going to have to take some time to process. If he needs to take some space, that's understandable, but he also might surprise you and be there for you.

You can get closure even if he's not here anymore, it just takes time and processing. I believe in you <3

Naming you closure anon!

[al-hekima-madara-blog]

Hashirama Senju birth chart (Headcanon)

The warm fire of konoha & his ashes

Considering that Hashirama is Madara's alter ego, there will be a lot of reference to my previous birth chart on Madara. If you haven't read it yet it's here. And also now that I know you have read Madara's one, I won't explain deeper like last time each sign I consider you clever enough to do your own research on google to further your knowledges

☉ Sun : Ego – Branding to the world

♑ Libra

Broadly what libra sun wants to reach is harmony. In their perfect worldview everyone is able to communicate and understand each other feeling by the power of love and blabla jutsu. And there is a the real world where it's doesn't work and that's why you need a capricorn friend (Madara) to keep you realistic.

Naruto, Hashirama are both libra and it's not a coincidence. Thanks to @lunyzare 's ask I've already talk in detail about his sun in Libra here . Actually the whole Naruto's serie is a libra anthem inside a scorpionic world. Shinobis are after all shadow warrior using occult power, living in a hidden village with a hokage at his head (shadow of the fire. It's a world between secret society and spying activities Masashi Kishimoto is himself a scorpio with strong libra energy. (Maybe it will be a good idea to do the author birth chart one day. Let me know in the comments if you would like to🤔)

As the MC's ancestor, Hashirama represents this search for an ideal of all people coming together to reach peace. But what people misunderstood is that Hashirama, as all air signs, is appealed by the concept of peace before understanding the reality of building peace. It took him to kill his best friend to realise the consequences of his decisions and the price of his dear village. It's as if before that, he stayed completely careless of all the issues around him.

Often when I think about his famous quote, it reminds me the french revolution. They dreamed to realise equality, freedom and the Human's right where all humans are equals... But before reaching this noble goals, the previous regime had to be slay by the guillotine who had been invented for this purpose of beheading quickly as many nobles as possible. This period is called The Terror in history. And if you wonders, yes France is a Libra country!

In the same fashion, the darkness times took over Konoha in the name of peace. Some people from the village preferably Uchiha needs to be sacrifice to realise Hashirama's dream. There lies the dark side of Libra. They are kings and queens of gaslighting. They are also very good at soft speeches, doublespeak, and politically correctness. By refusing to acknowledge any opinions contradicting their ideal of justice and harmony, it ends up creating a bloodshed to protect it.

Ascendant/Rising Sign : Social personality – Physical Body

♑Sagittarius

For the ascendant I thought about what people see of Hashirama the first time they met him mostly Suigetsu who's the most talkative :

God of Shinobi ( but it's mostly his legacy post mortem)

Bubbly

Full of enthusiasm

Goofy

Loud

Broad figure

someone capable of brief but memorable fit of anger

I don't know you, but when I read my list I see a sagittarius' description. Traditionally to differentiate each fire sign, I like to think of Aries as firecracker , Leo is a pyre , Sagittarius is the wildfire. Nobody knows where it starts but goes rapidly in a rampage and disappeared as mysteriously as it came. Sagittarius got this reputation of being bigger than life, authentic and sometimes clumsy, but loving party, free spirit, loving foreign people, and foreign land, foreign wisdom. Jupiter is the planet associate with Sagittarius. Zeus God of the Gods in greek mythology, the bridge is easy to do with our God of shinobi.

With this ascendant couple with Libra who is already a social sign, I can see why Hashirama's election was not debatable. He was naturally the popular guy while Madara in my description is a very stern double Capricorn who's intimidating unless you know him very well.

☾Moon : Emotion – Comfort zone

♋Pisces

One quality of Hashirama is that he can read people. He has this real emotional smartness. It doesn't mean that he can effectively communicate his feeling (that's mercure's business and that's Naruto legendary best quality) but you can't really lie to him. He's the only person who saw behind everyone facade. He saw behind the fortress of blunt who is Madara and said that he was a deeply sensitive person while everybody think he's the devil (ironically Madara will become exactly what people expect of him in the end). He also discovered first Madara's weakness and used it in his advantage years later.

He read also Sasuke and was the only one of the five kages who believed that answering Sasuke's questions was in the long-term more efficient than rushing into the battlefield.

He read Oroshimaru's mind. Which is the rare moment where our devilish snake didn't feel confident at all.

♂ Mars : Action - Desire

♌ Taurus

In the Narutoverse, fighting's style is the easiest way to guess their mars.

In the same way that Mars in leo was obvious for Madara. Mars in Taurus came to me without a second thought. If Madara as a warrior is the epitome of fire, you need a superior energy capable of blocking such powerful storm. And in all zodiac no one has more resistance than Taurus. Sure the impetuous mars planet is not at its fullest potential in this slow and venusian sign. But what it losts in speed, it gains in determination. A mars taurus is like a unbreakable wall. It's built to resist and when it starts moving at his own pace, nothing can stop it.

Mokuton as his signature is a mix of water and earth element, both consider as feminine traditionally. And in feminine concept there is the idea of being the receiver and the creator. If you study most of Hashirama's fight you can see that he uses mostly defensive jutsu, while Madara has a preference for offensive one. There is the wood dragon technique who absorbs Kyuubi's chakra, Myojinmon or God’s Gate who literally stop an enemi with Tori gate falling from the sky (again it contains someone else's energy rather than attacking). In the creative side : Kajukai Korin makes him grow a lively forest. Shin Susenju : is his most famous offensive jutsu. He can create a giant Buddha statue with a thousand hands. And it took him time to knead his chakra and passing into senjutsu mode but when it's done, nothing can stop him.

And cherry on the top : Leo and Taurus are both fix sign (stubborn and difficult to change) and in synastry Madara's mars in Leo will square Hashirama's mars in Taurus. A square is usually considered as an intense tension. And those two bananas are notorious for creating natural disasters and climate change every time they met on a battlefield.

♃ Jupiter : Infinite Expansion – House of wisdom

♌ Leo

Remember in the Madara birth chart I had both mars and jupiter conjunct in Leo. Hashirama being from the same generation it's most likely that Jupiter is in the same sign (it took about a year for jupiter to move from sign, while mars stay few months).

The duo Mars/Jupiter for Madara enhances the martial and fierce aspect of Leo. A Leo much more authoritarian and narcissistic. But Hashirama has got only Jupiter in Leo that would glorify the brightest side of Leo : generosity, bravery, optimism, luck, having children (his pride). In a way, it makes Hashirama even more popular and lovable. During the warring state era, Hashirama makes most of his dream comes true in his life time. Compared to his friend he got it all : He build his village, was acknowledged and respected by all, he kept his little brother alive, married a powerful kunoichi, controlled through his wife the most powerful of the nine bijuu, seems to have had a family life with his child/children and grandchildren (he spends time with Tsunade), he established a peace (it seems that the first shinobi war start after his death?), he elaborated and transmitted his will of fire, and formed a new generation who will continue his legacy after him. So he thought at his death that peace will prevailed after him and he had accomplished his goal.

☿ Mercure : Intellect – Communication

♑ Scorpio

When mercury is in scorpio, the mental goes more deeper. The intuition is precise like a laser. It can sometimes brought to the surface the darkest part of human's psychis.

Some would say that apart this moment above, Most of the time Hashirama isn't that dark. However, I believe in the same way that on a superficial level Madara is an intimidating character with a secret sensitive nature. Hashirama is for people that solar charismatic guy but underneath that facade, he is, just like all shinobis of his time... a warlord. He didn't reach the top level of his clan by just being cute and smiling. In the warring state era to prove you can lead, you need to show some extreme cold mind. And it's only Madara who's able to push Hashirama to "reveal his guts", to show his authentic self. First when Hashirama was ready to die to prove his good-will and during the valley of the End when he answered the question Madara asked few years ago in the Uchiha's shrine : If he had to chose between his brother/ friend or the village, he will sacrifice everyone for his village.

♀ Venus : Attraction – Seduction

��Libra

What are Hashirama's desires? First of course is building his village with every clans cooperation. It still fit the Libra's ideal of perfect cooperation.

And what is the object of his desire ? Mito Uzumaki. Based on what she confessed to Kushina in her old days, she seems to have been loved by her husband and this love makes bearable her duty of jinshuuriki.

Mito was in her youth really beautiful, classically beautiful. She looks like a princess from older time. Knowing that Mito is also a taurus. It's an other sign where Venus (planet of love and beauty) is at its peak just like in Libra. I believe Hashirama's attraction to his wife was real.

♄ Saturn : Restriction – Time - Enlightenment

♐Sagittarius

Saturn in Sagittarius means also Saturn is close to his ascendant.

Naruto in Boruto era doesn't actually like that day to day office job as hokage. He does it because it's his duty. I headcanon that it was exactly the same for Hashirama, he's too much of a dreamer, a social butterfly to just seat in an office and sign papers. Actually he first offered the job to Madara for a good reason : yes it will give him a new goal in life to protect the village but let's be honest : Capricorn thrives in responsibility and boring procedures. Yes they want to be an office manager and boss people around all day. They love being in charge and control a situation. If that wasn't for his popularity issue, Madara was really overqualified for the job as hokage. He's just like Tobirama, efficient, rational and over-organised. Imagine if he had put the same energy he put in the infinite tsukuyomi into Konoha? They will be the united state of five nation reaching Naruto Era. That's what you need to administrate and organise a village. But well the people wanted the pretty Hashirama the people got Hashirama… He did it because that's what is expected from him. It's what Saturn does in your life, restricting you to challenge you. Remember in Madara's chart I use the image of the tamed fire : The Judge and the stern spiritual leader. The severe aspect of Saturn in Sagittarius (house 12) is more pronounced in Madara because of his heavy capricorn chart. In Hashirama who is most Air and Fire, Saturn in Sagittarius in his first house will just restrict his freedom, his carefree attitude. He might have felt sometimes depressed and weight down by his responsibilities and the feeling he can't be authentically himself, people expect from him to embody the head of clan, the leader of Konoha, the "God of the Shinobi".

And there is no picture in the Manga where Hashirama is confined his office. He's often outside, on top of the cliff observing his village alone or with Madara. In the fillers you also see him walking around the village, talking with people. And also we know he gambles. Did he starts this bad habit to escape his office duty just like Tsunade did?

[noperopesaredope]

A Really Stupid Pet Peeve of Mine

One random thing that annoys me sometimes for some reason is when people refer to Patton solely as Thomas’ “moral side.” Like, when someone is introducing all the sides, they say the Logan is logic, Virgil is anxiety, Roman is creativity and passion, and Patton is morality.

The series may have recently been leaning into the moral aspect of Patton more, but he has previously been established to be a lot more broad than that. He preserves all of Thomas’ more nostalgic memories (as shown in Moving On Parts 1 & 2). He encourages Thomas to do the little things that make him happy (Mind vs. Heart and Growing Up show this especially well). He often says that he is Thomas’ emotions, or at least holds them.

Patton is fun and playful and sometimes ignores doing these more “ethics” centric duties in order to just enjoy life. In fact, most of the time, it seems like being Thomas’ moral compass is kind of a side gig rather than his main job.

His sense of morality is also shown to be both firm and loose at the same time. He has his core central values, and definitely has some of the more simplistic stuff down, but most of his more complex moral decisions are pretty in the moment and it feels like those more intense ones are more...shaky? If that’s the right word? His moral compass gets very confused and mixed up quite easily, and while that can happen to us all, it seems odd for a side whose whole thing is morality.

I was thinking about his almost contradictory nature a bit ago, as the title wasn’t adding up to me. How can he be Morality but also be the one in charge of the majority of Thomas’ emotions? That doesn’t make any sense. He seems more like just Thomas’ emotions who strongly affects his morals. So what does he have to do with morality? Then I remembered something that was right in front of my face: they don’t always refer to him as morality. Sometimes, they would call him Thomas’ “heart.”

And that makes so much more sense than him being morality specifically. Him being the heart explains everything about him and his actions. Metaphorically, we say that our feelings are stored in the heart, and that our heart is where some of our more instinctual morals are. The heart is often carefree and sometimes a bit fickle, often changing course in the moment.

It also explains why Patton’s moral dilemmas felt so weird to me. Because he isn’t morality specifically. He is more the instinctual and emotion driven side of morality. You could argue that ethics are always driven by emotion, but ethics also do sometimes have a sense of “logic” to them. Ethics are complicated, which is likely why Patton has such a hard time with his morality. It’s because it’s only a part of his job, and it isn’t his job alone.

So everything made sense. Patton isn’t Morality, he is Heart. He is Thomas’  sadness, happiness, fear, anger, surprise and disgust. He is the most simplistic and yet most complex side. His job is probably one of the hardest, in a way, as he carries many of the most all consuming and overwhelming emotions, like sadness and grief.

Now, there are other sides like Virgil and perhaps the Orange side (if people’s theories are correct) who are in charge of certain emotions. But Patton is in charge of the basic ones specifically. Thomas has a fear of spiders, and therefore Patton has a fear of spiders, whereas Virgil doesn’t. If we are going with the theory that Orange is something like Wrath or Rage, that is still slightly different from anger. And we rarely associate anger with the heart either way, unless it is very deeply rooted. On top of this, Rage and Wrath are much more festering, something that doesn’t seem to fit with what Patton is about.

All in all, this is my probably completely pointless post about why Patton is Thomas’ Heart, not his Morality. This is a really dumb thing to get annoyed over, but I just needed to let it out. It can lead to so many misconceptions about him as a character if we go with the mindset that his entire title is Morality rather than Thomas’ Heart. I’m pretty sure that everyone will read this post and say “well yeah, duh, we already know that. Way to state the obvious and get worked up over nothing.” But in my defense, I am neurodivergent and particular about everything.

So yeah, those are my thoughts on that.

[minniepetals]

I didnt know there was a new chapter so i immediately read it AAAHHHHH

I want more 😭 i have a lot of questions and i need answers 🥲 what will happen if bangtan knew about yoongi's past... what happened to mc? how long will it take for her to heal??? and im freaking out because yoongi and mc are kinda similar... very secretive people and been through a lot of trauma :((( its nice that she trusted him and yoongi made sure he wont break that trust 😭 i lowkey want bangtan to make an effort to find out what happened to mc so they can understand her more but yeah they have a point... i cant wait for the next chapter because where is this leading??? I need more 🥲

Anyway, thank you for the update! I really love cmar and I'm so happy you're back and updating it again! Thank you so much! I'm looking forward to the next chapter!

-🌺

thank you so much bub!! regarding the questions: the boys will surely come around to knowing since they kinda know yoongi's somehow associated with the vipers (in some way shape or form) and there's a low chance they'll react badly. our girl went through a series of physical torture so it'll take some time for her to heal. there will be a brief description of what happens to her body when she wakes up and sees herself -- i didn't go too into details with it though. also yes! yoongi and y/n are very similar to one another. i think it'd be really cool if i wrote a scene where yoongi does gets angry and for y/n because out of all the boys, he's a composed man who doesn't get easily triggered so..just imagine it oop-. he's a good man overall, and even back in chapter one when their relationship was falling apart, yoongi didn't actively engage in verbally tormenting y/n, though his absence and silence most definitely had hurt her a lot.

of the boys, there are three quiet men who prefers their silence, all of them having chosen to be that way mostly due to how they were raised as children. these boys are yoongi, taehyung, and jungkook. perhaps i'll elaborate it further in the series itself but basically:

with yoongi, there's already a bit of context with him. he grew up being silenced and invisible so he's used to be quiet for the most part. he's a sincere man but does have a difficult time expressing his emotions (he's good at showing his lovers that he cares for them though, yoongi's kinda like a word of affirmation type of guy, ironically) -- emotions like the flawed part of being a human: anger, upset, sadness, etc.

we got a little bit of taehyung during the london arc. he's a hacker so he's mostly holed up in his lab and prefers not to socialize with the human population, so he's the type to be silent and observant rather than joining in the crowd and conversing. he's not someone who will feel the need to fill up the silence of a room and for the most part when he's with y/n (back when they were still together), they were always comfortable in their silence together. the two of them kinda just knows what's on the other's mind without having to say a thing

as with jungkook, there's not much around him just yet but if you look back at the flashback with the boys' pov (chapter 16), there was something jin said to namjoon during one of their disputes, saying "jungkook has gone completely silent" and that indicated a bit of his relationship with y/n, it being the fact that he was more open and talkative when y/n was around. you'll come to see in future chapters that y/n and jungkook relied on each other a lot back in the days. he loved her mostly through actions but always tried his best to speak up and change for the better for her, and when y/n left their life, it took some time to have jungkook coming back from being so silent.

there's only been one chapter to sum up the feelings of the boys and how the divorce of namjoon and y/n affected them but all in all, it most definitely hurt them in more than one way.

sorry i went on a whole rant omg, this is too long, but maybe you enjoyed reading a bit of context around three particular boys 😭

[cigarettes-and-cinamatography]

GOOD OMENS SEASON 2 SPOLIERS AHEAD.

"you can't just leave the bookshop?"

"Oh Crowley, nothing lasts forever?"

Yeah it's fine, didn't need my heart anyway

After waiting four years since season one I was ecsatic to finally watch season two and we got so many awesome features! Seeing Crowley before the fall, him and Aziraphale's first meeting? It was all so brilliant to be back in the world of good omens. I especially liked that they didn't do what a lot of franchises do and just forget character's past angers. When Crowley was alone with Gabriel, he was angry. He was still upset about finding out how Azirphale was really being treated and therefore told Gabreil how angry he was.

Now, let's talk about that ending. Whilst watching it? I was sobbing my eyes out, I mean full audible ugly sobs. Now? I'm just pissed. I'm so sick and tired of seasons of queer shows ending like this, there are far more depressing queer stories out there than happy ones and I'm sick of it. The ending of season two immediatley made me think of the ending of the first season of Our Flag Means Death. At least the gentlebeard kiss was a happy one! Aziraphale didn't kiss back and just looked upset and uncomofrtable afterwards. I agree with Crowley for the fact that I wouldn't want to associate withe Heaven or Hell, they're both corrupt and toxic and I think Crowley and Aziraphale simply living in the book shop together would have been a far more fitting ending. I think it would be possible for Aziraphale to even take the arch-angel job and still live in the book shop if he'd only have to travel up to Heaven for meetings and such, he wouldn't need to live there full time.

Whatever this season was, it was defintley not "Gentle and romantic" (unless of course you ship Gabriel and Beealzebub of course). And the thing is, The scene was written, acted and filmed BRILLIANTLY. The reference to the nightingale and the ending of season one? I have nothing against the talent behind the project I'm just upset at the ending. I'm tired of queer couples having sad endings, especially ships like ineffable husbands that I and countless other fans look to as a source of comfort.

However, despite all this I am still looking on the bright side. I saw someone say they think the Metanome did something to Azirpahle as he did not enjoy drinking coffee until that point. The look on Aziraphale's face when he was told about "The second coming" also made me think he was about to change his mind. I was surprised when he actually got into the elvator as I was practically screaming "Don't do it" over and over again at my TV. I really hope a season three is greenlit and will show us Aziraphale questioning his choice and hopefully resulting in a happy ending for him and Crowley.

[sterlingsilverrosepetals]

Black Butler, Chapter 1 Analysis

Welcome to my analysis of Black Butler. I'm going to write one for each chapter. These will contain thoughtful analyzing, research, and my own feelings on some scenes in each chapter. I don't know how many people will read this regardless I've been having fun writing these and looking into depth at each chapter. I particularly love to focus on history, characters, relationship dynamics, and odd little details. I italicized the summaries I made for each page that way it's easy to differentiate my thoughts from the actual story.

Here we go.

Black Butler Volume I

Cover Art

Sebastian is pouring tea, and there isn’t a lot to the cover on the surface. However, I find it interesting how it appears he is walking while pouring tea. That’s an impressive feat in itself. Also, the stream of tea is so long on this particular cover. The tea also seems to a similar color to Sebastian’s eyes. I think it’s a great cover regardless of the early stage Sebastian. This cover is iconic what else can I say about it? 

Title Page

The title page is perfect for the first volume of the manga. Having the Phantomhive staff and Ciel all together sets the story stage. They all have an important part in the story and it wouldn’t be the same without any of them. After all, that’s where everything starts. I love how it’s all done in black and gray almost like a portrait of everyone together. Yet there is always a hint of one color added each time. 

For this one it was red. I was curious about this inclusion and why Yana used it for the manga. I almost think it is intentional and the color gives a hint to what may occur in the volume or what to expect. Red is a color connected to passion, love, and anger. Since it’s more of a crimson tone it could also reflect warning, revenge, and ruthlessness. It’s also a very powerful color. But the most intriguing thing associated with it and particularly I think one of the main intentions is its association with Devils. And since our titular character Sebastian is a demon it makes perfect sense and is rather genius. The crimson red also compliments the fact that Ciel has a covenant with a demon for revenge and how ruthless he can be.

I also find out of everyone who has something red to accent them it is intriguing how Ciel’s one visible eye is red. Could this symbolize his contract with Sebastian? I almost think it does hint that even if first-time readers don’t recognize it the hint is there. It is a bit menacing in a way. In adjacent Ciel is the only one adorned with roses both on his coat and his top hat. Usually, roses are symbolized by passion and love but they can also be connected to secrecy and confidentiality. Which I found interesting because it almost plays with the fact that the Phantomhive Earl is full of secrets. The secret here most likely is his contract/covenant with Sebastian the demon.

I just love to discover new things like this and try to surmise by the artwork the artist’s intention. I’m not sure if I’m right but I do think this could be what it was hinting at.

Chapter 1: The Butler, Skilled

The first page features a view of the Phantomhive manor. A head peeks from underneath the bedsheets. Our resident Butler awakens his young Earl with a cup of tea and a delicious looking array for breakfast of poached salmon and mint salad. Along with Ciel’s choice of toast, scones, or pain de camgne. The Earl picks a scone. On the next page, Ciel recognizes the tea as Ceylon tea. Sebastian confirms this and explains it’s from Royal Doulton, as well as the tea set being Wedgwood Blue and White. They go over and schedule as the Butler dresses him for the day including Professor Hughes teaching in Kingcraft. In the last panel, someone is hitting a gong commencing a great event.

This page is in color (if you have the Japanese or digital version) and looks quite lovely with the food, especially having a nice texture. This type of beginning is almost a comfortable happenstance right now to the daily life in Black Butler. We don’t even completely see Sebastian or Ciel on the first page as the beginning morning routine begins. It paints a quaint picture befitting one who lives in Victorian England. Since I don’t live in England I wouldn’t know if this is a normal breakfast however what I’ve read in my research Poached Salmon has a lot of high-quality proteins and fats making it a good way to start the day. This elaborate breakfast and choice of accompaniment demonstrate Ciel’s wealth and status. 

The second page is pretty interesting. I actually looked up Ceylon Tea and it’s a black tea but a lighter one with a bit of citrus flavor with honey and spice. It seems like a nice tea to wake up to. I’ll have to try it. I love tea personally so don’t mind me if I go over silly details like this from time to time. Ciel’s eyes are closed at the moment which is interesting in a way because it keeps a beginning reader from seeing what is under his eye patch. Sebastian himself is not in frame completely and is diligently working on tying Ciel’s bowtie. Purposefully it seems like the view is blocked adding a bit of mystery to our two protagonists. On the subject of the lesson, I looked up Kingcraft because, in the beginning, I thought it had to do with fencing but it actually has to do with leadership, authority, and the governance of a king. Indicating again Ciel’s status and what was expected he learned as an Earl. Both these pages give the entire opening a quaint Victorian English feeling and a spark of wondering what will occur. 

The Earl and Butler are now in a new location in front of the manor. Ciel and the servants watch Sebastian face off against what appears to be a Chinese Martial artist with an elaborate fighting technique. Sebastian tightens his gloves and takes the man down with little to no effort. Even though the man claims the technique was a secret one passed down in his family. He demands who Sebastian is.

I feel like this entire fight was to appeal to the main Japanese audience. It doesn’t seem historically accurate although I could be wrong. The tumbleweed flying by like a good old-fashioned shoot-out on the first panel makes me chuckle. Either way, it is a beginning demonstration of Sebastian’s ability and strength. He took down an expert fighter easily which is not an easy feat for anyone. Makes you wonder just how strong he is. Also fascinating how still, in these two pages, we do not entirely see Sebastian’s face. 

Finally, the big reveal comes on the next few pages showing Sebastian Michaelis’s face for the first time. He seems to be looking down on the man as if he’s insignificant. He claims that mastering the technique was no effort for a Phantomhive Butler. Then with a sly smile, Sebastian tells his young master to review his lessons and prepare for the next day since he won the battle. The other servants Baldroy, Finnian, and Mey-Rin are dazzled by their Butler’s display of skill. Each is introduced and they praise Sebastian’s accomplishment. Mey-Rin points out that was his fiftieth win. Ciel is bummed that his attempt to find someone who can beat Sebastian didn’t work out. Sebastian takes it with a sly grin and accepts the drink that Ciel offers him with his praise. Then Sebastian turns to the three servants and asks with a hint of animosity why they are there.

Sebastian’s overall beginning design wasn’t bad. I prefer his newer designs better but this was in the beginning. It has a slick look to still very upper crust and yet kind of frazzled. The sly smiles Sebastian shows don’t seem to have any level of sincerity with them. They almost have a mocking quality in these panels. I like how now that we can see Sebastian and Ciel's faces there is a place card to show the names of each member of the household. The servants are impressed with Sebastian’s skills but Ciel seems bothered and annoyed by the display of his butler. He also seems to go to great lengths to challenge Sebastian he appears to want to see his perfect butler fail. I almost think that the only reason Sebastian fought was for his amusement and the opportunity to mess with Ciel. While Ciel wants him to fail Sebastian seems to feel the same about his young charge. Already building a passive-aggressive relationship between them.

Sebastian asks if each of the servants has already finished their tasks since they had been viewing his fight. He commands the servants to quit relaxing about and get to work. Ciel says on that note that Chlaus from Italy called and Ciel needs to speak with Sebastian privately. They arrive in a large office room where the two speak. Chlaus will be arriving at the house at 6 pm. It turns out he has procured the item Ciel was after. He asks Sebastian and the butler confirms they will show Chlaus an entertaining visit. During their exchange Sebastian grimaces holding his chest as he asks about the lemonade that Ciel offered him. Ciel tells him breezily that it is Tanaka’s special lemonade with AjixMoto apparently the house steward had mistaken it for sugar. He had enough after one sip.

These two pages tell a lot about the current status of things and give a glimpse of the idleness of the other servants. Sebastian has clear command and though they admire him they are also rather frightened of the butler. On another note, I find it interesting Ciel always has a walking stick with him. This particular one seems to have a diamond shape at the top. Now I know this is a staple for him but I think we take it for granted. Not only do I want to analyze the artwork but also the various things on the pages. I found out in my research of the period that walking canes were quite a fashionable adornment not only for mobility but also for society. They indicate the wealth and status of an individual, fairly clever. It definitely also has to do with Ciel’s limited depth of vision because of the eyepatch. Yet I do think that one of the reasons he uses the cane is for the aesthetic. Sebastian is very attentive to his young master following his lead. Both of them speak in few words conveying to the other what is to be done. Sebastian grimacing after the drink makes a good impression of Ciel being spiteful with his butler. He forced him to drink something he didn’t care for after a sip. I almost think that it is also a sign he wants to see his butler struggle we’ve seen how strong and capable Sebastian is in a fight and Ciel wanted to take him down a peg. It also shows that Tanaka the House Steward isn’t completely competent at the moment adding another layer that hints at things to come. 

Sebastian doesn’t look impressed by his young master’s answer, a twitch is present on his forehead. However, he affirms to Ciel he will begin working on things immediately. Ciel leaves him to it. Sebastian tightens his gloves prepares to start his task. We are then treated to Sebastian’s inner monologue on a series of panels. Sebastian works diligently to polish the tableware and selects a spotless tablecloth. He trims the master’s favorite sterling silver roses and weeds the lawn. He prepares a beef slab with choice ingredients for a feast and plans to go to the market to buy other supplies. All this preparation is Phantomhive Hospitality at its finest. A ring interrupts his work alerting him to Ciel’s call he wonders what his little master could want. A silhouette of individuals secretly watches the butler adjust his clothes as he heads out. 

Sebastian is obviously upset with Ciel’s prank but he keeps his answer's calm. I find it interesting how he is upset but he holds it all in. Ciel isn’t even looking at him now focused on his newspaper he leaves everything to his butler. The focus on tightening Sebastian’s gloves demonstrates a strong and efficient worker. Whenever the artist brings up this I can’t help but think it’s partially on purpose. It demonstrates Sebastian is about to get serious. It’s like in that instant Sebastian switches to his finest work mode. The panels here are quite lovely they give an almost whimsical appeal showing Sebastian’s diligence. Apart from the scene, I was curious about Sterling Silver Roses so I looked them up. I always thought they were a white rose but it’s a lavender rose with silver undertones. It’s quite pretty and has a citrusy scent. Ciel seems to like that scent given the Ceylon tea he had earlier. Anyways, Sebastian almost seems disconcerted when Ciel calls yet he brushes off his gloves and slips on his coat heading out anyway. Another interesting thing to note is all of the things he’s doing could have been done by the other servants as well so why is he working on it alone? Quite clever how the author handles this segment of events given what is about to unfold.

The silhouette is revealed to be the rest of the Phantomhive servants there is a gleam in their eyes as they watch Sebastian leave. The trio of Mey-Rin, Finny, and Bardroy confirm that Sebastian’s preparations mean that a guest is coming to visit. Bard tells the others this is their chance to make an impression and demonstrate their skills. Each of them has an image of what they believe they will be able to pull off. Finny with the gardening, Mey-Rin polishing the china, and Bard cooking a classy meal. They are now gung ho to get started on their tasks. Meanwhile, Sebastian is arguing with Ciel about having dessert early. Sebastian firmly tells him he will spoil his dinner even though Ciel continues to protest.

Nothing good can come from gleaming eyes like that. It is nice to see them all getting excited about a guest coming to the manor. This whole situation definitely shows that Bardroy is the brains behind the trio. He’s the one that gets the others excited to demonstrate their skills. The images of the servants daydreaming about completing their tasks are elegant and refined. They have this picture in their head of how things should look it’s not bad but there is such thing as an ideal and reality. I find it funny how each of the tasks they decide to start are ones Sebastian has already begun. On the side I love the little interaction between Ciel and Sebastian it shows the butler is more or less a parent most of the time. Ciel likes to push boundaries and he’s being rather childish demanding treats. Sebastian is firm in denying this request. Definitely getting the parental impression.

So the other servants had a dream of completing the tasks perfectly. Sadly that is not the case reality is they make a disaster. The gardener Finny completely decimated the yard it looks like a barren wasteland. The maid Mey-Rin shattered the china as well as the cabinet. The chef Bardroy charbroiled the beef that Sebastian had set out for the meal. With a tight smiling face, Sebastian asks what all of this is about. The servants are terrified of the butler Sebastian’s smile but each tries to explain their actions. Finny left the lid open on the herbicide sprayer, Mey-Rin slammed into the cabinet, and Baldroy used his blow torch on the meat. Sebastian takes everything in stride and says the fault was his since he left all his tasks open. Now Sebastian ponders the dilemma this mess makes on all his preparations trying to decide what to do before Chlaus comes at a little past six. He checks his pocket watch for the time. His conclusion is he cannot fix the meat or tea set in time. 

Everything is a mess thanks to the other servants. All of Sebastian’s hard work has been destroyed. He has quite a terrifying ominous presence as he listens to their explanation. Although he takes it all with ease and seems to find this a daily occurrence. He shows quite a bit of patience for the other servants despite his anger. I find it interesting the appearance of the servants in this scene. I checked the last few panels and Mey-Rin’s glasses were not cracked before this point. Bardroy is sporting a classic afro (hilarious) and Finian is dirty. Sebastian seems to ignore the other servants' groveling and sets his mind on the task at hand. He considers the time and attempts to remedy the situation while the other servants are panicking.

Sebastian tries to calm down the other servants and tells them to follow Tanaka’s example. Sebastian suddenly has a brilliant idea. Clapping his hands together he gets the other servants' attention. He grasps hold of Tanaka’s tea cup and bases a plan around it. Bardroy watches as the butler starts thinning out the burnt crust on the beef. He isn’t sure about this plan. Mey-Rin bursts in with a stack of boxes she found.

The other servants are a wreck but Sebastian is calm and perhaps a little annoyed at their emotional response to the situation. I love how Tanaka was calmly sipping his cup of tea. Tanaka either is the most collected in the chaos or he simply is in his blissful world. Sebastian demonstrates his skill to make use of the things around him in a bad situation. He focuses on a task but also pay attention to all the things occurring around him, he has a striking alertness. Also, there’s the use of gestures again to continue the scene the artist likes to focus on them in this chapter to display Sebastian’s thoughts and character. Only Bard seems a bit hesitant the others seem to have complete trust in the plan at this point. The others are quick to follow Sebastian but Bard questions things.

Mey-Rin slips and falls toward the ground along with all the boxes she is carrying. Luckily Sebastian manages to effortlessly catch her and all the boxes. The butler scolds the maid for running in the manor and the poor girl blushes admitting that her glasses are broken. Her vision is bad. Finny comes in and excitedly tells Sebastian he managed to get everything he asked for from the garden shop. Sebastian thanks them for their hard work and he will handle the rest. He slyly grins through his teeth telling the servants twice not to touch anything. In the last two panels, a gentleman pulls up in an automobile to the Phantomhive mansion.

I feel for Mey-Rin a lot here. Her lenses are cracked so she isn’t able to get a clear level of vision. I also have to wear glasses so I can understand how that will make it very difficult. Here Sebastian demonstrates his skills by catching everything along with the maid in one swoop. Not an easy thing to do. There's a little sweat on his face which makes me think it was a close call. Finny is so cheerful and helpful here. Sebastian himself is holding in any feelings he has grinning almost mockingly at the other servants. It makes me chuckle but if I was in the servants' shoes I’d definitely find it foreboding. Also, this last page is interesting because the visitor pulls up in an automobile at this time period not everyone had a car and I’d assume it was expensive to have one. So this demonstrates his wealth.

The new arrival approaches Ciel who is sitting reading an economics book on the front step. Ciel identifies him as Chlaus. The man warmly greets Ciel with a hug inquiring about his growth rate. Ciel says he hasn’t grown any taller yet. The two have a friendly conversation as they head inside where all the servants greet the new guest. Chlaus is impressed at the state of the mansion. He has a friendly conversation with Sebastian and comments on the new staff while placing his hat on Finny’s head. Sebastian guides Chlaus towards the courtyard where dinner will be served. The man is confused by the venue but Sebastian assures him Ciel ordered them to entertain him for all his hard work. 

There are seriously a few interesting things to note on these pages. First is the beginning, Chlaus responds with a lot of familiarity towards both Ciel and Sebastian. The man is obviously an important part of Ciel’s life or he wouldn’t have been able to give the young earl and hug. That is something we find out later on that only select people can do. Ciel’s attitude also is very laid back usually you’d expect the servants to greet the guests but he made an effort to wait at the front entrance for Chlaus' arrival. Sebastian also seems to already have relations with him yet the other staff members do not know him yet. This makes me think that the other servants were hired only recently or that Chlaus has not visited in a long while. I do hope we see more of this man in the future.

The courtyard has been transformed into a Japanese Stone Garden with blooming irises. Sebastian’s efforts have pulled it off and Chlaus is deeply impressed. The butler seats the guest at a table nestled in the garden. Using Tanaka’s tea set Sebastian serves them traditional tea. Chlaus is impressed by all the details he put in to make everything authentic. The other servants watch Sebastian’s work from behind the flowers. The truth was that they didn’t have any other tea sets but Sebastian used what they had to his advantage. Ciel seems content with the whole thing. He asks Chlaus if he brought the game he promised to procure him. Chlaus confirms it but admits it was difficult to get it, he had relayed this to Cie over their phone call. 

Here is a stroke of brilliance. Sebastian managed to mask the others' mistakes by using the Japanese traditions to his advantage. We find out from these panels that Chlaus is Italian, not only does he refer to retrieving the game for Ciel from there but he also compliments the stone garden with this language. About the game Chlaus brought here’s one piece that is a bit controversial when considering the period the game he got Ciel is in a box that looks like it came from Nintendo Gameboy. The entire name is sort of similar. The name though is interesting it’s called Mouse3 which makes me consider the following chapters about the mice issue. So the entire thing isn’t very authentic but I will say the first few books had some little tendencies here and there. I still think if the anime used it but changed it a bit the game would have worked. The important thing is this puts Chlaus as an key associate along with being a close acquaintance of Ciel. The entire meal and entertainment is for the benefit of a job well done on the man’s part for the earl. Ciel also seems to be a little playful here teasing Chlaus openly about the struggle he had retrieving the game for him.

Chlaus seems to play along with Ciel and is thankful for the reward for his effort. Ciel comments that he hopes the game will be entertaining the last one had a tiresome ending. His guest scoffs lightly at Ciel’s response and says that as a child the game will probably be complete pretty soon and the boy will want another game from him. A sinister smirk appears on the Earl’s face and he confirms children are greedy when it comes to games. This brings up another point by Chlaus about Phantomhive company being the top toymaker in the country at the age of 12. He fears for the boy’s future. Sebastian interrupts them serving dinner. Courtesy of Chef Bardroy (who only sliced the meat and arranged it on rice.) the meal is gyuu-tataki-don. Chlaus is shocked he expected a Kyoto-style-full course meal. Sebastian interrupts him with a glimmer in his expression. 

I feel like this scene was both hinting at the actual focus of their conversation and a bit of insight into Ciel. Ciel himself seems to be very excited to play this next game and he is not above admitting children are greedy about them. Ciel seems to have a bit of a mocking attitude to the whole thing as well as confidence in the future. He is also strong in aptitude in ability if he can finish a game so quickly. The theme of games is played well built in the series. Here it foreshadows Ciel's viewpoint on challenges. He treats them as a puzzle something he needs to dissect and figure out. Games are also a competitive way for people to demonstrate their skills and the goal is always to win. Ciel seeing life from this viewpoint shows his hunger and determination to tackle each situation with a detached outlook. We also learn here that he runs a successful toy company which would explain why he had Chlaus get him an Italian game. Yes, this is all on the surface but the later chapters reveal the truth behind the conversation and it’s a lot more than just a game Chlaus’ procured for him. Yet I wonder if the two of them are speaking this way to make sure no spies find out what was truly going on? After all the Phantomhives have many enemies. And now we have Donburi ha ha it doesn’t really fit the venue but wait the spark from Sebastian means there is more to tell.

Sebastian breaks out into a passionate speech about Donburi and its significance as a feast for workers. He speaks of the history of Donburi and almost admits that he believes Chlaus has grown tired of elaborate dishes. The servants cheer the butler’s work in the background. Chlaus chuckles genuinely impressed by all the effort and finds it very humorous. He believes Ciel and he will continue to be able to work well together. Ciel is honored by his words. Chlaus admits to Sebastian he did not know anything about the history of the dish and compliments Sebastian. Another panel shows that Sebastian had spent a lot of time in the study learning about Japanese Food Culture. Chlaus is happy and agrees with Sebastian’s assessment of needing lighter meals he thanks him.

What a display from the Japanese-style wave background to Sebastian’s passionate rant about Donburi it truly suits the situation. Chlaus is very delighted and it seems that he and Ciel will continue their business relations. I’m pretty impressed by the fact Sebastian spent time going over the history of Donburi. It wasn’t just a random conversation they show the effort Sebastian went into to sell his story. Demonstrates a lot of dedication and commitment to his job. It also is shows honesty because he could have made up a story rather than researching it. When Sebastian sells something here it is truthful. Chlaus seems to not just take everything at face value though here he shows he found the whole situation funny and is delighted by Sebastian’s efforts. In the anime the other guy who poses as Chlaus just seemed overwhelmed by it all but Chlaus himself recognizes that they went to a lot of trouble for him and he even seems to understand the humor of it all. I won’t always talk about the anime but this is a big difference between the stand-in and him. 

Sebastian informs Chlaus that he has selected an Italian wine for him. He gestures towards Mey-Rin with the trolley. She just stands there for a moment until Sebastian prompts her to pour Chlaus a glass of wine. The others notice she’s acting strange. Mey-Rin is in her own world after being so close to Sebastian. She misses her aim for the glass and the wine spills all over the table. The others gasp and try to tell her to stop her. Inner thoughts of the group are that the mess she is making will make all their efforts go to waste. The wine is dripping very close to Chlaus at this point and the servants are panicking.

Like I said before I don’t think we can entirely fault Mey-Rin she can’t see well with those cracked glasses. Also, having someone handsome like Sebastian right in her face would make it very difficult. The pressure gets to her. Everyone else is sort of panicking besides Sebastian and Ciel who look more paused in disbelief if anything. I love this entire exchange.

Sebastian effortlessly pulls the soiled tablecloth out from under the meal and decorations. Ciel looks a bit shocked by the whole thing. 

I love these pages so much. Doing something like that isn’t easy. You’d expect a magician to at least fake it but he pulled the entire tablecloth like that so effortlessly. Everything on the table was barely disturbed.

The whole scene brings the moment to a pause. Sebastian pulls off the tablecloth so quickly it brings everyone besides Chlaus who was too busy eating to a halt. Ciel is at a standstill and the rest of the servants are shocked minus Tanaka. The wine glass shifts before setting into place. While Finny and Bard retrieve Mey-Rin, Chlaus finally notices the tablecloth is gone. Ciel gives a little chuckle and a slight smirk. Ciel explains he had it removed because of a stain and Sebastian apologizes for the inconvenience.

That mix of reactions from everyone is interesting. Ciel paused with his food close to his mouth. He doesn’t seem entirely shocked but at the same time, he was probably panicking at that moment. The other servants are wide-eyed and Bardroy spits out his cigarette. Ciel easily composes himself and acts like nothing happened. He tells a lie about why the tablecloth was moved with a straight face while Sebastian stands behind him humbly apologizing. Why is this important? Ciel basically tells a fabrication and Sebastian goes along with it. The boy can easily put on a facade and smirk as he resumes eating like nothing happened. He is the one to cover up the situation whereas Sebastian follows his lead. It gives yet another glimpse into the outer view of Ciel's character. I know we have the anime to see this scene now but it is like everything happened in an instant. I still love this scene so much.

Sebastian breathes a sigh of relief and the others compliment his work. Bardroy compares him to Superman. Sebastian says he’s merely a butler. Chlaus also compliments Sebastian’s skills but Ciel said he only did what was expected as his servant. Chlaus disagrees and argues talent like Sebastian would be hard to find in Britain. Ciel concurs but says that’s not the only reason he hired him. He claims he has never tasted sweets better than Sebastian’s. 

Crisis averted for Sebastian and company. I find it interesting how Bardroy compliments him on being just like Superman it's a hint that he's not of this world. However on a factual note that character did not appear in comics until 1938 we are still in the 1800’s at this point so it was a rather inconsistent dating. I think it was used more to hint at Bardroy’s heritage since he is from America. It also speaks of Sebastian’s potential inhuman skill. Sebastian doesn’t even use his regular catchphrase in response here. Ciel himself is calm and thinks nothing of Sebastian being so skillful as he seems to expect him to be. I like how the panel focuses on Ciel’s spoon in a mirror view rather than his face when he speaks of why he hired Sebastian for his culinary arts. It describes his sweet tooth better than just an ordinary panel of his speaking.

Chlaus is shocked by Ciel’s response but chuckles assuming sweets to be important to a child. Ciel smiles secretly and claims he’s looking forward to dessert. The dessert is Apricot and Green Tea Mille-Feuille. The other staff watch as Sebastian prepares it in the kitchen with eager looks. Sebastian finds himself sweat dropping at their hovering. Sebastian tells them if they behave 'like good little children' he will reward them with some of the treats. While Bardroy tries to wake Mey-Rin, Tanka is already eating his share. Finnian on the other hand is considering the whole event that transpired. Also apparently, Finny bought Iris bulbs but the flowers displayed in the garden were in bloom. Sebastian apologizes on the last panel for the delay.

Ciel’s love of sweets knows no bounds. The desert prepared looks excellent though so I can’t blame him. Sebastian even made it to compliment the atmosphere of the Japanese Stone Garden. I love seeing the other servants hovering yes in many ways Sebastian truly is a dad to the whole staff and the Earl. The way he calls the staff children is telling as well. Finnian pondering brings up a good point about the garden how could the irises be in bloom? It makes the entire situation at this point more mysterious. 

The final page has Sebastian arriving with the cart arrayed with the sweet treats he prepared. He proclaims to the Earl and his guest that dessert is now served. The scene is adorned with those mysterious blooming irises. Back in the kitchen Finnian considers how the butler managed to make the flowers bloom yet ultimately decides who cares. While Bardroy tries to arouse Mey-Rin and Finny is pondering things Tanaka has already finished off all the desserts placed aside for the staff. 

Ultimately at this point I think Finnian and the others consider Sebastian’s skills abnormal but either ignore or don’t have the observant mind to pay attention to the details. Although Finny was on the right track of the mysterious situation he is more inclined to let things be since it all worked out in the end. I find it hilarious that Tanaka managed to finish off the entire desert while the others were busy with things. It kind of hints again at their lack of observance. Yet quite often that happens to people so it’s not uncommon. Humans tend to not look past their noses. We the readers notice things more because we are focused.

Final thoughts on the chapter:

Truthfully I enjoy this first chapter. It starts building dynamics with the Phantomhive staff and the Earl. Particularly showing well what the others lacked and how Sebastian handled things on his own. You have to wonder at this point as a first-time reader why Ciel hired so many incompetent staff members when Sebastian can handle everything. In my opinion I think besides their special talents (we learn about later) they were hired to make the Phantomhive household look more realistic and like a true home. I love the staff truly I do it with all their antics. But they can be lacking at times in skill. It is put to great comedy effect. That’s where Sebastian comes in he balances out the entire situation and makes things effortless. How can any normal person compete with that?

I loved the dynamic between Ciel and Sebastian here. There is a bit of tension. Ciel is trying to test boundaries and see what he can get away with. He almost at times seems frustrated that Sebastian can do so well at everything. He tries to find areas where he will fail. Yet he’s not surprised by his skill or talent. He likes to poke jabs at his Butler too. They clearly have a bit of a passive-aggressive relationship. Yet at the same time, there are hints of an understanding between the two. Sebastian plays the part of the straight man to all of Ciel's lies which given who he is is rather ironic. I did see even in the beginning a bit of Sebastian being the dad of the Phantomhive group. He cleans up the mistakes of the staff and he also keeps Ciel on task. Typical parent situation. 

Chlaus was a nice addition as an outsider to everything going on. Yet he has a bit of a relationship with Ciel since he can speak with him with such familiarity. The staff does everything they can to impress the visitor and he is treated in high regard for all his efforts. Those efforts will come into view in the following chapters and I can’t wait to read more. Yes, this was a good first chapter despite some inconsistencies in the historical timeline it has always been a fun read.

~

Any who read this to the end I hope you enjoyed my analysis I had a lot of fun writing it. And I'm currently working on chapter 2. This will probably very on when it's released because of work and irl but I will try to post a chapter as often as I can. I want to get this done before Season 4 but we shall see.

[erigold13261]

📢Psychonauts NSR AU, Chapter 11: LARS Rap 3📢

After facing against Lucky… an old band member he had in college. Sasha had a lot of thoughts in his head about his past in college. He wanted to be like his father, but different. His father could’ve supported him. But he left him alone. And when LARS arrived. It was… it was difficult to learn about. And he no longer associated with his father. He should feel satisfied… but he shouldn't… he had to make things right. He had to face his father. And make amends with him. He went to the alley, with Milla following him after he didn’t enter the sewers. That is when she knew… she had to get involved.

~

“Ohohoho! Sasha Sasha Sasha Sasha Sasha Sasha Sasha! Ich habe gerade das Erstaunlichste ausgegraben—!”

“I’m done with your games, dad!” Sasha shouted. “You no longer listen to reason. You act like you still pretend to care that I changed my major and—” but before Sasha could say anything, LARS pulled out a tape recorder.

“But Sasha, sehen! Ich habe das gefunden!” LARS responded as he pulled out a tape recorder.

“Is… is that my old tape recorder? And… it’s fixed?” Sasha asked with confusion.

“Ja! Jetzt hör dir das an!” LARS responded as he pressed the play button. And what played… made Sasha shudder.

“So… anyways, thanks for being a guest star in my video.” A familiar feminine voice spoke, it was Lucky.

“Heh, no problem. I gotta say, that it was nice to work with you.” A familiar masculine voice spie, it was Sasha.

“Well anyways… maybe we could work together one day?” Lucky’s voice spoke.

“Yeah, and maybe we could work together as artists?” Sasha’s voice responded.

“That’s exactly what I’ve been thinking!” Lucky’s voice responded.

“We could be… ‘art'core artists!” Sasha’s voice joked. And then they laughed. Milla also laughed.

“Ha! Ich erinnerte mich, als ich das aufnahm, ich kann nicht glauben, dass das Band immer noch funktioniert!”

“I… I… I don’t believe this… you cut off contact with me ever since I changed to Fine Arts & Music all because I wasn’t good with our business. You had the audacity… to RECORD MY CONVERSATION WITH LUCKY?” Sasha asked with full on anger. “I TRIED CONTACTING YOU AFTER I GOT BURNT AND YOU NEVER RESPONDED, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY TIMES I TRIED CALLING YOU? ANSWER? SEVERAL TIMES!” Sasha ranted.

“Ohohoho! But Sascha! Du warst so lustig!” LARS chuckled

“Stop it!” Sasha angrily spoke.

“Waren das nicht die guten alten Zeiten, Sascha?” LARS asked. “Es ist immer noch lustig für mich!” LARS spoke as he played the joke again… and again… and again.

“I said stop iiiit! You told me you threw that stupid tape away you lying piece of absolute crap!” Sasha irritatedly shouted, but took a deep breath. He turned to Milla. “You see Milla! You see what I have to deal with?!” Sasha told his fellow guitarist.

“Then let me deal with him! How about that, Mister Daddy Issues? This time, you and me! Rap battle! Yo!” Milla spoke. This stopped LARS.

“Eh, Sascha, dieser erkennt meine Anwesenheit an! Anders als dein vorheriges Mädchen. Ich dachte, sie wäre eine gute Freundin für dich, Sascha!” LARS asked. He turned to Milla. “Well, missy. Ich bin unten mit Ihrer Herausforderung! Es ist Zeit für…”

“Yeah Rap Battle. Let’s just get it over with.” Sasha spoke. The battle was on.

~

LARS:

Hey Hey Hey

Hey Milla how YOU doing today?

Haha

If you want the real deal

Don’t pick someone who steals

You wanna pick a winner instead

Trust me I’m the original exceptional

But not like Sasha he’s just COPYing my moves

If you like those moves, pick the OG grooves

LARS is your guide, others they had tried.

Milla:

Hey West, you know Sasha still looks up to you

Sasha:

Hey don’t tell him that

Milla:

You’re his father, his only father

And you’re not a bother, you’re the real deal

You got such a big following

and this power is building

It’s a threat to the political system of Vinyl City

This is important, your role is true

Rise up to the occasion and be a real inspiration

LARS:

Yes, I’ve done some things

but Im not really convinced that Sasha

really respects what I do

Sasha’s probably out to get me

to diss me, to mock me, to cut me

Sasha can’t stand watching me succeed

He wants all the spotlight on him

oh poor Sasha

Milla:

That’s silly Lars

You know Sasha is following your footsteps

Every move, every groove, you’ve been inspiring Sasha

Our rebellion?

Sasha’s been emulating your success

We’re trying to bring back rock to the city

and fight the EDM empire

LARS:

Sasha’s been doing great things

I can see it myself

but you can’t undo a history

of his mean vibes to me

I’ve been disappointed

down and out

My own son out to get me

Sasha’s been forever not liking me

So how can I forgive

how can I move on

You’ve probably never changed anyhow anyway

Milla:

Lars you gotta know

Sasha was only doing his thing

He wasn’t doing anything like scheming

So don’t think badly or let your mind go madly

In the wrong direction, with too much introspection

Instead reframe your mind, open up your thoughts

Widen up your heart, you gotta know your son

Looks up to you, he only wants the best

To learn from the best, the real deal

The role model, the one and only rhyme master

The often imitated, LARS who’s better than the rest

LARS:

Aw naw now now now

Just wait, are you making this up, you just creating

Stories that tell of my real glory

You’re making me wonder

Are you telling the truth?

Well I wanna talk with Sasha

I wanna ask him things

I’m not really convinced

Whether that’s really how your heart sings

or are you playing me little son

You’re taunting me oh lach nicht

But I have the feeling you got things hidden

Ulterior motives, got my mind buzzing

Sasha:

I gotta admit pride got a hold on me

When I outdid you dad

College was when I was rad

But you gotta know any human would feel the same

And like Milla said, I still look up to you

You build your career from scratch

and made it higher and higher

until NSR had to step in

and kill that blazing fire

They knew you were dangerous

High risk, high energy, highly influential

LARS, simply the best, from the bottom to the top

of the game!

LARS:

I created the ruckus

A wole crazy ride

That really built up my pride

I never wanted to influence the politics of the city

I just wanted to make music/ rhymes grooves yeah hit it

and so I left it all behind Vinyl City bye bye adios verabschiedung

But yeah Sasha I see you

You’ve progressed from the blur

from the clueless of the clueless

To a leader, to a man, to the leader of the rebellion

and let me say haha son that makes me proud inside

DK West, your father

Sasha:

Dad, what you did for the city

Even if unitentional

hit all the main points

We really hit national

Was awesome fully truesome

and despite the powers that be

NSR’s monopoly,

the crazy grip on the city

was shaken to the core

The great LARS managed to shake it

The political system we need to break it

This is what I’m trying to do now

LARS:

Sasha congrats you the man,

you can stir up the city,

Just like I did before,

There’s no reason why it can’t be done more,

If something’s to be done, it can be done done done done done,

But you know Sasha,

You told me right in my face

You put me in my place

You said I wasn’t a father

and that truely bothered me

Haha I am not your dad?

Haha really Sasha?

Sasha:

I was dumb

I was stupid

I was foolish

I was blinded

I’m sorry for saying something so dumb stupid foolish

I didn’t mean, to be mean, I mean you know what I mean

And despite all our bickering, our fighting, our disagreeing

LARS you will always be my father my family my man

LARS you will always be my father my family my man

~

After the rap battle. Things were cooled down.

“Du meinst das wirklich, son? Siehst du immer noch zu mir auf?” LARS asked.

“Yeah. You know I joined the music scene because of you, right?” Sasha responded.

“Then… I… uh… wie wäre es mit… we—”

“How about a truce?” Sasha asked as he opened his arms for a hug, to which Lars did.

“Sorry, son. Manchmal bin ich einfach…” LARS apologized.

“Yeah, me too, Pater.” Sasha spoke.

“Well… Dies ist der Teil, wo ich gehe.” LARS spoke.

“Wait… you’re leaving?” Sasha asked.

“Ja, wenn ich in den sonnenuntergang gehe…” LARS spoke.

“Why don’t you join us? We can take down NSR together!” Sasha asked.

“Machen Sie weiter und retten Sie Vinyl City. Ich muss etwas… meditieren. Wir sehen uns, mein Sohn.” LARS spoke.

“Oh… but, will you remember to reply my messages this time?” Sasha asked.

“Yeah, Ich werde.” LARS spoke. “Außerdem habe ich jetzt dieses Ding, das mich jeden Tag daran erinnert.” LARS explained as he pulled out the tap recorder which had the joke. Which made Sasha smile. LARS entered his trailer and started the car.

“You too, missy! Ich werde wieder mit dir sprechen next time.” LARS spoke, “I’m out!” He shouted as he drove away.

“Bye, LARS!” Milla waved goodbye.

“That was some legit rapping skills you got there, Milla.” Sasha spoke.

“You’re welcome, buddy.” Milla thanked. “Now come on, let’s go to Gristol!” Milla spoke.

“On it.” Sasha responded as the two headed back to the sewers. Planing on facing one more artist.

[prettyheartjournal]

There is a part of me that finds all this impossible to believe and a part of me that just knows and has perfect faith. Can you understand what that is like? When you go through the motions of rejecting me I go through 2 things: the knowledge that you are not rejecting me but that you are just too afraid (for whatever reason) and the possibility that indeed I am living in a fantasy and I am delusional. That is exceptionally painful, not only because it will mean I am without that perfect love that has been my lodestar and the dark void that results, but also the fear that I could lie to myself to that extent and the resulting deep disorientation and sense of shame.

I have a very complex past with the opposite sex. I was shown tremendous contempt because of my skin colour. I couldn’t understand why I was attracting such hatred when I was a child and I hated being dark because I would never be equal or worthy of the things the white people around me were. My father is white and I wanted it to be him who shone through me visually rather than my Indian-looking mother who also hated herself for being dark. It was not to be and where my sister could almost pass as being white, I couldn’t even pass as being mixed race, no I looked pure Indian and I hated that. These were not choices I made as a child but automatic reactions to being singled out as an object of ridicule and disgust.

Growing up we were not part of an Asian community, our only connection was to stories of relatives imbued in rich and luxurious dreams by my mother who longed for the warmth and vibrancy of her home. So I was alone with my ‘darkness’ and sadly not really associated with a British Asian culture that I could belong to. No, my belonging was integral to the western culture of my friends, my father’s family and my parents friends but there was always this dusky and dirty covering that I had to haul around that would vibrate maniacally like the tail tip of an angry rattlesnake every time someone taller and older glared at me with hatred and called me an uneducated slur of some variety. Only the energetic agitation of these occurrences the seething anger was not directed to the‘superior’ offender but rather inwardly to myself.

So, that’s my beginning…or part of it, a shadowy part amongst other shadowy parts as well as some distorted sparkles I have had to realign along the way as I’ve grown older.

I’m more in the light now, for sure, but it did not set me up well with the opposite sex, bloody hell, no…

Obviously time has passed and I have spent a good portion of my life trying to understand and mend myself but I do get triggered by certain things.

The relationship thing is hard…

When I went into my teens I experienced a lot of racism in Wales and I felt extremely self conscious and embarrassed by being constantly singled out. I didn’t want this attention and I was surviving a lot of psychological trauma from my parents marriage deteriorating and the emotional unrest in the home. My passions were music and clothing like a lot of teenagers but again it could all feel as if it was part of the domain of those with white skin and I never really felt fully deserving of any of it but it was still a deep part of me and always will be. I think that really I would have just liked to immerse myself in these things if I had been able to. I think I was quite scholarly at times too and definitely creative. This would have played out in my dress sense but there was no money for me to explore that the way I wanted to. I was definitely very romantic but that was definitely something I felt excluded from. We were pretty much the only racial minorities in that small town. I did have a lot of friends and I managed to socialise a lot but there was this underlying sense of being inferior to everyone else.

Almost overnight and coinciding with my parents break up I suddenly had a lot of male attention. I actually don’t know if this was more dangerous than the abuse. It was not something I could reconcile…am I disgusting or am I deeply desirable ? Am I actually a goddess or am I a disheveled creature of the gutter? I still live with those warring sides of myself and the one constantly trips up the other.

The few years that followed were really messed up with the opposite sex, I had a lot of secret involvements with boys who liked me but were ashamed of me or maybe they feared that they couldn’t deal with defending me if I was racially abused. Anyway I felt like an embarrassment ultimately. There was a lot of drunken sex and rape, molestation, casual sex. It was a disaster…I hated myself more than ever. I was out of control while I mourned the romance and innocence that was more true to my character. I felt guilt towards my mother who is a Christian, that behind her back I was giving the devil’s daughter a run for her money. How I didn’t get heavily into drugs when so many of my friends did, I really don’t know. I had no defence against the intoxication of feeling wanted when I had spent so many years feeling hated. I think out of inner emergency I was married to a rather mixed up individual by the time I was 19.

Ok, I think I have had enough of memory lane for the time being…it gets too much, what a disaster my life has been…thank God it’s in the past. If you read this stuff, maybe it helps you to understand how hard and hellish my life was growing up, maybe if you think my behaviour is weird you might see how confused I can feel. I haven’t lived like that for a very long time and I certainly have no desire for casual sex , to be fair I didn’t have a desire for it then, I just had no control over those situations especially when I was drunk.

[violetsiren90]

I forgot what we talked about.. I might have had to read our message again before. Since it's been a while since we last had a conversation.

But, then again, I've also been preoccupied with my own things so it's not like I remembered. At least until now. I've been sidetracked lately.

Anyway.

I actually do have obsessive compulsive disorder, "both" versions, the actual diagnoses and the perfectionistic diagnoses that people would think is OCD. I'm organized, intrusive thoughts, many of those signs... You know what I mean since you also have the condition too, so I may not have to waste time explaining something you already experience.

And I do have auditory processing disorder... I'm just considering that associated with the Asperger's. Which is a sign, a symptom, whatever it is considered as. And this is just a basic explanation. There are sites that have more in depth explanations if you've wanted to learn more.

"Autistic people with auditory processing disorders can hear, but they have difficulty making sense out of—or perceiving—what they hear."

"People with autism often experience auditory processing difficulties - such as in understanding speech when there is a lot of background noise, finding it hard to listen with many people talking at the same time, and focusing on verbal instructions."

So that definitely explains a lot about me, especially whenever I'd try communicating with someone. Since I'd mishear words and phrases.

So many different dynamics could happen with characters from their appearance, personalities, just about anything and everything can be interesting amongst characters in one way or another. In my opinion.

That's the whole reason for creative projects! Art, reading, writing.. All these creative projects help express yourself for whatever reason that you have. To use your own dreams and fantasies to build worlds, even to self heal for whatever reason too. My mind's really scattered today.

Though you have to be careful about writing a character "too similar" to yourself because most people complain, claiming those characters are too Mary Sue for people to enjoy. But I think it depends on a lot of these situations. And also well written any character might be. Since I might be able to accept certain types of Mary Sue characters when it could be a well written character. I know that I've already said this.

But, at the same time, writing these characters could help you with a part of yourself in some way.. Self love, self healing, self reflection are some ways to figure yourself out. Same with traumatic experiences.

I wasn't sure if I upset you. Since I know certain topics would actually upset some people, you never know who might get upset about what topics anymore. Which is understandable with certain topics though.

And complex... That's complex. Complicated. Angering for people like me. I always have a lot of really mixed feelings about these situations.

I hate relying on people yet I have to rely on people for a lot of things I could have easily gotten myself. Well.. If it wasn't on the higher selves. Like who has to always have everything on the high shelves? Like just who the fuck even does that?! It's the reason why I hate taller people.

Not just socks, but any clothing (or linen) for me. I hate the top loader washing machines. I have literally had to climb in just for one piece of clothing, I almost fall in just to get my clothes. Which reminds me... In a way. My ankle is mostly healed after spraining it again last week. It's because I fell down the stairs bringing groceries in my house. If you're thinking Jimin or even Namjoon is clumsy, I'm clumsier than they are.

Yes! Daechwita and Haegeum verses having a modern twist could be, well, complex stories in a good way if written right for people to read.

And that's what I thought.. I do like the Jack persona. And, in a way, it could be possible to have him in the same Agust D crime universe - if you can figure out those details. But, at the same time, Jack seems a bit more towards psychological crime thriller. Though Jack having an arsonic - is that even a word? I know arsenic is. - type of murderer for that persona. Not surprising because of the Arson video giving those vibes for an arson person, murder, while also getting sociopath crime vibes at the same time. So crimes stories could happen for those two though, not sure about the other five guys yet. I'll have to figure it out before writing any crime story for them, unless I have any inspiration.

Exactly! That's how I am.. I enjoy the duality of balancing these things - like sins and virtues - as a "yin and yang" concept for characters in a way that actually makes since to people. Other than myself. And like I said... I could easily imagine everyone of the guys being associated to more than one sin and virtue in some way or another. Yoongi's really a man who I could imagine as multiple sins and virtues, well, everyone's like that to me. But that's besides that point. Like all of the guys really are diligent when it comes to their work, I'm not saying that. But then when it comes to the actual sin of Sloth, Yoongi was the only one who did fit that description, in the apathetic and laziness definition of that term. I'm stuck on the other sins and virtues. Like Pride. Obviously all of them are prideful in their own ways (mainly in a good way, not bad) from that I've noticed. But I keep thinking back towards Jin, Namjoon and even Jungkook to some extent. Not sure why. Usually I've tended to see Jin or Namjoon as the stereotypical Pride when people writing the sins. Which makes sense in some way. Jin has his strong feelings about self love, self acceptance, self confidence which can represent as the vanity aspects to Pride while also actually being Humility in the same definition. And I know people tend to associate Namjoon with a sin like Pride, just because he's the 'leader' of BTS since Pride is really the deadliest sin out of all seven sins too. Then there's Envy, Gluttony, Greed, Lust, Pride (unless I might have already talked myself into that sin?) and Wrath. I tend to overthink things if you haven't noticed yet. I have to admit that I'm having some difficulty with Wrath just because I keep trying to think who's the most attractive scary angry man, even though I should figure this out based on personality rather than those appearances. So these details might take me a while to figure out.

Well.. It was the 9th here until two hours ago. But I still count it. Since his birthday is on the 9th, time zones are just different for everyone.

Sorry that it's been a long time between answers from me, I've been working with a very low personal battery, so I will try to do better as far as response time goes! 💜

Ah! Okay! That's interesting. I have a cousin who has an auditory processing disorder, so I'm a little aware for what that's like. Thank you for sharing that with me. I see what you mean with the OCD. Mine mostly affects me in the form of intrusive thoughts and ruminations. It's hard because no one can see these on the outside, but the are so so draining. I've been struggling with rumination so much recently and it just takes everything out of me. I basically went the last two weeks without doing anything in my spare time due to just not having the energy.

I think there should be a lot of freedom of expression in art. If you are writing something for yourself, or to fill a need for a community you are part of, I don't think making an OC or even a reader-insert character that is very specific should be something that the author worries about as far as reception goes. I think as far as it's stated straightforwardly in the content warnings or description that a reader-insert character is depicted as carrying certain specific traits, it gives readers the freedom to engage with prior knowledge. If you want to make a character that's basically you to a T, I say go for it!

You absolutely did not upset me! I don't mind discussing those sorts of things, but thank you for being so thoughtful.

Yes, as a fiercely independent person myself, I can understand that anger and pain at having to rely on others to a great degree. And you're right, I don't think there is a great deal of consideration in society about keeping things too high as being inaccessible. The bottom line is that there is a fairly large group of people who may have difficulty reaching highly placed things, especially heavier ones - like those confined to wheelchairs, the elderly, the physically disabled, and little people. My best friend has one arm, and she struggles to safely access large items that are placed too high. I think more thought should be put into this kind of accessibility.

Jack as an arson would be super creepy because of the MV (already on the creepier side!) - you certainly wouldn't be at a loss for banner content for a fic like that!

I think you are really onto something with going in Jin's favor as opposed to Joon's with the pride thing. Jin is a perfect example of how self love could corrupt into self-worship without the balance of humility. With Namjoon I see more of the Envy vs. Kindness (re: "life is a bowl of soup and I'm a fork" lol). I feel like at his lowest I could see a lot of self-pity and coveting there. And at his healthiest, who in the world is more the embodiment of kindness than Kim Namjoon?

HAHAHA you are SO REAL for struggling with wanting to slap Wrath on the Tannie who would be the hottest for their rage. 😵🔥 If you're going for accuracy, maybe try to see which guy leans into the opposing virtue of patience the most? I know Jungkook has had to build his patience over the years. (he would also be super duper hot as wrath?? - I mean, wut? Nothing..👀)

I'm so invested in the Seven Deadly Sins world you've got going!! Do you know what context you would want to pursue it in? Like, a fantasy AU, or a real-world embodiment? Literal (demons and angels), or gods, or more figurative representations? AHHH. So many possibilities!! Like I said, friend, I'm invested! Can't wait to see where you take this!!

I hope this answer finds you well, and hopefully I can be much quicker on answering your future asks! 😊💕