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The most commonly seen things in nature can be the most inspiring
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You came into my life and you breathed true love into me, you showed me that true love is the very best feeling. I love you
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I feel him, lucky for me he exists beyond this world. No wonder he’s so afraid…but there’s no need, that truth is actually more home to us than this world…so I believe anyway.
Don’t be afraid…this strange woman is also a person who has to work and maintain relationships with her colleagues, do lots of things to help her children, visit her family, spend time with her nieces and try to figure out a way to escape the living conditions that make her feel too challenged…
She also spends too much time on her phone, gets irritated by people’s comments, eats too much chocolate and binge watches crime dramas and documentaries, so I am also boring and normal too 😂
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A hard week…
These times are like a body of sludgy, muddy liquid, where one can barely move or breathe, where there is greyness as well as deep pain. There is nothing but to surrender to it’s netherworld qualities as if one is an amoeba familiar with the the terror of its character and substance…and then at last when enough of the energy has been integrated, come the revelations…the truths like drops of dew holding within the reflection of the morning light, and the work has been done…
To hold these answers harshly and painstakingly won, in such a way, that they are remembered.
I need to put more into my creative work. I do a lot but too many different things and I need to go deeper into something. I think I need to devote some time to discipline myself to focus on one area for this depth to begin to be expressed.
Sleepy…
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It’s all fucked up - more loss, he was a corn snake, but I loved that amazing and beautiful creature, he was supposed to live for so long…I can’t take all this grief from losing animals- heartbroken
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Out of love and the sheer desire to share the joy 🤩 https://www.instagram.com/reel/C5e1irFyFme/?igsh=dG1keDE5N2g0OTY3
instagram
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There is a part of me that finds all this impossible to believe and a part of me that just knows and has perfect faith. Can you understand what that is like? When you go through the motions of rejecting me I go through 2 things: the knowledge that you are not rejecting me but that you are just too afraid (for whatever reason) and the possibility that indeed I am living in a fantasy and I am delusional. That is exceptionally painful, not only because it will mean I am without that perfect love that has been my lodestar and the dark void that results, but also the fear that I could lie to myself to that extent and the resulting deep disorientation and sense of shame.
I have a very complex past with the opposite sex. I was shown tremendous contempt because of my skin colour. I couldn’t understand why I was attracting such hatred when I was a child and I hated being dark because I would never be equal or worthy of the things the white people around me were. My father is white and I wanted it to be him who shone through me visually rather than my Indian-looking mother who also hated herself for being dark. It was not to be and where my sister could almost pass as being white, I couldn’t even pass as being mixed race, no I looked pure Indian and I hated that. These were not choices I made as a child but automatic reactions to being singled out as an object of ridicule and disgust.
Growing up we were not part of an Asian community, our only connection was to stories of relatives imbued in rich and luxurious dreams by my mother who longed for the warmth and vibrancy of her home. So I was alone with my ‘darkness’ and sadly not really associated with a British Asian culture that I could belong to. No, my belonging was integral to the western culture of my friends, my father’s family and my parents friends but there was always this dusky and dirty covering that I had to haul around that would vibrate maniacally like the tail tip of an angry rattlesnake every time someone taller and older glared at me with hatred and called me an uneducated slur of some variety. Only the energetic agitation of these occurrences the seething anger was not directed to the‘superior’ offender but rather inwardly to myself.
So, that’s my beginning…or part of it, a shadowy part amongst other shadowy parts as well as some distorted sparkles I have had to realign along the way as I’ve grown older.
I’m more in the light now, for sure, but it did not set me up well with the opposite sex, bloody hell, no…
Obviously time has passed and I have spent a good portion of my life trying to understand and mend myself but I do get triggered by certain things.
The relationship thing is hard…
When I went into my teens I experienced a lot of racism in Wales and I felt extremely self conscious and embarrassed by being constantly singled out. I didn’t want this attention and I was surviving a lot of psychological trauma from my parents marriage deteriorating and the emotional unrest in the home. My passions were music and clothing like a lot of teenagers but again it could all feel as if it was part of the domain of those with white skin and I never really felt fully deserving of any of it but it was still a deep part of me and always will be. I think that really I would have just liked to immerse myself in these things if I had been able to. I think I was quite scholarly at times too and definitely creative. This would have played out in my dress sense but there was no money for me to explore that the way I wanted to. I was definitely very romantic but that was definitely something I felt excluded from. We were pretty much the only racial minorities in that small town. I did have a lot of friends and I managed to socialise a lot but there was this underlying sense of being inferior to everyone else.
Almost overnight and coinciding with my parents break up I suddenly had a lot of male attention. I actually don’t know if this was more dangerous than the abuse. It was not something I could reconcile…am I disgusting or am I deeply desirable ? Am I actually a goddess or am I a disheveled creature of the gutter? I still live with those warring sides of myself and the one constantly trips up the other.
The few years that followed were really messed up with the opposite sex, I had a lot of secret involvements with boys who liked me but were ashamed of me or maybe they feared that they couldn’t deal with defending me if I was racially abused. Anyway I felt like an embarrassment ultimately. There was a lot of drunken sex and rape, molestation, casual sex. It was a disaster…I hated myself more than ever. I was out of control while I mourned the romance and innocence that was more true to my character. I felt guilt towards my mother who is a Christian, that behind her back I was giving the devil’s daughter a run for her money. How I didn’t get heavily into drugs when so many of my friends did, I really don’t know. I had no defence against the intoxication of feeling wanted when I had spent so many years feeling hated. I think out of inner emergency I was married to a rather mixed up individual by the time I was 19.
Ok, I think I have had enough of memory lane for the time being…it gets too much, what a disaster my life has been…thank God it’s in the past. If you read this stuff, maybe it helps you to understand how hard and hellish my life was growing up, maybe if you think my behaviour is weird you might see how confused I can feel. I haven’t lived like that for a very long time and I certainly have no desire for casual sex , to be fair I didn’t have a desire for it then, I just had no control over those situations especially when I was drunk.
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The world is broken, I am broken, you are broken, we all are broken. Don’t expect too much from yourself or anyone else. The nature of existence is brokenness. All we can learn to do is to delicately gather up the scattered fragments and cradle them compassionately in an embrace . What else is there?
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I don’t know if you read these posts but through the years since we met I have regretted lots of things. One of the things I most regret is not making it clearer how much I love your gifts. It’s silly but although I haven’t tried to hide the fact that I have regularly searched for any sign or knowledge of you online, it’s very obvious, I’m sure…I still feel shy and embarrassed about it…
Anyway so if you see these posts, I want you to know that you have a tremendous amount to offer, maybe you don’t need me to say that, but I am very impressed by who you are. You have qualities I wish I had, I go through my life like a train wreck that still somehow manages to just about run, whereas my perception of you is one of someone who can keep it all together. I like that a lot. I really like who you are…otherwise I wouldn’t be so transfixed.
You are also immensely talented. You have emotional depth which comes through your music and your voice, it’s hard I know, but you’ve got to one day decide to believe in that. I know that you have been in so much pain and I feel pain that I can’t ease any of it for you because I am not properly in your life, I KNOW that I understand you and therefore I KNOW that I could give something in terms of understanding and I feel it’s mutual.
You are also really funny and intelligent.
Anyway I’m here for you if you want me.
I’m sorry if I am cringey, I don’t think it can really be helped, I just say what I feel, I don’t mind cringey, it’s better than you never knowing.
X
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Truest Love - a memory, a presence, a concept, a conviction, an intrigue, a sorrow, an apology, a mourning, an anticipation, a hope, a faith, a breath, a kiss, a longing, a knowing, a waiting, a touch, a thought, a word, a belonging
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All I can guarantee is my own love,all I can be sure of, if I grow it within. All there ever is is the present moment, there really is nothing else. But there is freedom,space and relief in that realisation
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