#Anyways. Yes that cat is Gus lmao

[royalarchivist]

Tallulah: tio pac and fit are so Perfecta by Miranda coded 🥹💕

Phil: This is Pac and Fit? [Dramatically zooms-in on the fanart and makes them "sing" along to the music]

Chat: he's LITERALLY making a ship amv right now

Tallulah: How things got weird 😞

Make sure to show love to the artist who drew this fanart!

[ Full clip ]

[web-novel-polls]

Favorite WN Criminal Submissions [Closed]

Last Checked: August 7th, 2024 - Please check the original post for updates

Submissions CLOSED - Masterpost here

Rules:

One character per response

Submit as many responses as you want

Characters must be from a web novel or media with a web novel source/adaptation; manhua, manhwa, and other similar media without a web novel are at my discretion

"Criminal" can be based on IRL laws or in-world laws

Whether they're innocent/guilty or punished for their crimes doesn't affect eligibility. It's mainly just a "I'll know it when I see it" situation (Ex: If Character A was wrongly punished for a crime Character B committed, both characters would be eligible)

Tournament Tag: #wn criminal tournament

Submissions

Cale Henituse from Lout of the Count’s Family

Submission: An essential part of absolutely every plan he makes is to steal his enemies' stuff lmao 😂  

Dragon half-blood from Lout of the Count’s Family

Submission: So much attempted murder, some successful murder presumably, kinda cannibalism (does it count as cannibalism if you eat other intelligent species?..) but consider: hes BABY (he's like 900yo) and hes a SOPPING WET KITTY CAT

Wiki Link

Fang Yuan from Reverend Insanity 

Submission: He actually isn't my favorite I mostly like bai ning bing from this webnovel but please appreciate all of this man's crimes someone on Reddit compiled 

Links Submitted: Link 1, Link 2, Link 3, Link 4; Wiki Link

Gu Mang from Remnants of Filth / Yuwu

Submission: It's complicated... Defected from his kingdom and became an enemy general, killing who knows how many of his former comrades. Stabbed his lover in the heart. Shipped back to original country and punished for high treason. There's the spoilery reason, but he was still branded a criminal and a traitor. Anyway, I love him, one of my favorite characters of all time, and you all need to love him, too. Stop sleeping on Yuwu, people.

Wiki Link

He Xuan from Heaven Official’s Blessing

Submission: Deceiving the emperor, kidnapping, decapitation. 

Wiki Link

Hua Binan from The Husky and His White Cat Shizun / 2ha

[No propaganda submitted]

Wiki Link

Ilvalino from I’ve Been Reincarnated as a Villainess’ Older Brother

Submission: 

Was trained as an assassin since childhood, already did assassinations by the age of 6. In the original story - an otome game - he continues with this career until he's 17, and is known to kill people for minor offenses such as bumping into him or stepping on his foot. Moreover, in his route, he's driven insane by inner conflict and kills all the other capture targets to be alone with the heroine. In the story after titular reincarnation, he's picked up by the reincarnator/MC instead, and ultimately quits assassination altogether - although, again, he already Did Some Murder by that time.

Jiang Yexue from Remnants of Filth / Yuwu

Submission: Incest, kidnapping, mass murder, use of the Zhenlong Chess Formation, curse casting, etc.

Wiki Link

Jing Beiyuan from Qi Ye/Lord Seventh

[No Propaganda Submitted]

Image Link

Jin Guangyao from Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation

Submission: "All my life, I've lied to countless people and I've harmed countless others. It's just like you said. I killed my father, killed my brothers, killed my wife, killed my son, killed my teachers, killed my friends---I've committed every crime there is!"

Wiki Link

Jun Wu from Heaven Official’s Blessing

Submission: This is MAJOR SPOILERS for Heaven Official's Blessing- but as for his crimes, just like. All his actions as Bai Wuxiang were so iconic. Jun Wu was so single mindedly focused, he manipulated so many people and brought so much death, destruction, and despair to ruin Xie Lian's life and to turn him into a Calamity like himself. It's the dedication to the bit for me, he wiped everything from his disastrous past and became emperor of heaven. Jun Wu had all of the heavenly court fooled and under his thumb for centuries and played the part of the caring mentor/father figure to Xie Lian all while gladly placing the cursed shackles on him. 

Wiki Link

Kim Kiryeo from The Hunter of the Other World Who Is Being Misunderstood

Submission: 

Kiryeo is an archmage from an alien civilization who was reincarnated on Earth. During his period of adaptation he is mistaken for being one of the extremely strong S-rank hunters, even though in reality his true magic capabilities are far more meager. After failing to convince the people around him that he's actually very squishy and weak, he decides to lean into the misunderstanding and falsifies the government records stating that he is indeed ranked S. Among the many crimes he's done, some notable ones are: Commited at least 5 murders (mostly in self defence) Attempted to steal a corpse. Succesfully stole a different corpse and accidently exploded it in a research accident. Commited tax avoidance for a whooping 40 bilion Won Agreed to help the police in a raid on illegal narcotics trade because he wanted to steal them from the crime scene, which he did.  Kiryeo also calls himself a war criminal, and admits to causing near extinction of 3 separate inteligent species back on his home planet. 

Ling Wen from Heaven Official’s Blessing (TGCF)

Submission: Created the Brocade Immortal, orchestrated the downfall of her predecessor, aided Jun Wu. Girlboss. 

Li Xian from Female General and Eldest Princess / FGEP

Submission: Ran a secret organization of spies, set up 20 soldiers escorting her back home to be killed by said spies, pretended to have been attacked, gave a vital shipment of food and supplies meant for her kingdom's besieged army to the enemy, framed innocent civilians of treason to improve the reputation of her spouse who caused their deaths, deceived the emperor, faked her spouse's death, faked her own death, etc...

Wiki Link

Mo Ran from The Husky and His White Cat Shizun 

[No Propaganda Submitted]

Crimes: where do I even start. World domination? SA? Murder?

Qi Rong from Heaven Official’s Blessing / TGCF

Submission: I mean... He dragged a literal child through the city on the back of a carriage. And he kills humans and eats them. He's pathetic. He's basically a cartoon villain, it's pitiful and that's why I love him

Wiki Link

Qiyan Agula from Clear and Muddy Loss of Love / JWQS

Source: JWQS Wiki

Submission: So many crimes... She is really the criminal of all time… 

Sha Qing/Luo Yi/Li Biqing from Sha Qing / The Killer of Killers

Submission: Serial killer who kills serial killers with their own MOs. 

Novel Updates Link

Shen Jiu from The Scum Villain’s Self-Saving System

Submission:

Murder, arson, child abuse... Look, some of those crimes were justified (stabbing Wu Yanzi) while some of them were absolutely not (giving a kid a flawed cultivation manual so that he'll die of qi-deviation). But Shen Jiu's life has twisted him so that he believes he's irredeemable, and he hates himself already, so he's just going to do what he wants, okay?  "First, he'd been a rat forced to swallow its anger, cringing while awaiting more beatings. Then he'd become a gutter rat, scurrying back and forth as everyone chased and hit it. No matter how he changed, he ws a rat; cowering with its tail tucked between its legs, unable to see the light; letting years slip by in vain, squandering its time and life." 

Image Link

Shen Zechuan from Qiang Jin Jiu

Submissions: Character of all time. He's done a lot of crimes, but I'll just mention that one time he put a guy in a cage, poured boiling water on him, and sliced off his skin piece by piece while he was still alive. 

Wiki Link

Shi Wudu from Heaven Official’s Blessing / TGCF

Submission: stole someone's fate which inevitably led to the death of that person and their family, immoral enrichment with complete disregard for other people's lives (capsizes their ships if they haven't offered him enough)

Wiki Link

Wei Wuxian from Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation

Submission: Okay, okay, I know, but the submission rules state that innocence doesn't affect eligibility. Wei Wuxian is innocent of...most of the charges against him, but he is branded a criminal by the cultivation world (and does fight against them). 

Wiki Link

Wen Kexing from Faraway Wanderers

Submission: He makes murder look so sexy. 

Wu Yanzi from The Scum Villain’s Self-Saving System (SVSSS)

Submission: Known criminal and murderer, scum shizun to the scum shizun 

Xue Yang from Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation 

Submission: 

he's kinda...😳 he gets horny about crime and looks good with blood on his face. what else need i say.

Image Link

Zhou Zishu from Faraway Wanderers and Lord Seventh

Submission: So many crimes... So, so many…

Zhuzhi-lang from The Scum Villain’s Self-Saving System (SVSSS)

Submission: Cute snek <3 also a demon general, murderer and kidnapper

Dealer’s Choice

Choi Noah from Villain Hides His True Colors

I know pretty much no one’s read this novel, but Choi Noah was a young child who awakened the “Gamer” ability due to trauma. He literally thinks he’s in a game & is absolutely unconcerned with common sense, including the laws. He repeatedly kills “mobs” and “monsters” (usually other humans or humanoids) for “coins.” In his first life, he became the first EX-Rank villain and teams with a devil trying to take over the world, who later betrays him for being “too evil.” The story starts with/right after his death as he “resets” the game to return to age 12 and ends up becoming a hero to “win the game.”

Gwon Ohjin from I’m Not a Regressor

“If he had to ignore his conscience for the price of living, he would do it any day.” - Chapter 13

This novel starts with Lee Shinhyuk, the final Awakener of a vicious battle against “the Heavenly Demon,” choosing to regress to kill the Heavenly Demon before so many people died. To do so, he asks a powerful goddess to bestow him her stigma, and once he regresses… he dies. Right in front of the unawakened, scammer Gwon Ohjin he had met years before. Who also happens to be the Heavenly Demon and the Owner of the Black Heaven, which can devour others’ stigmas.

If you’ve put two-and-two together, you’ll know that Gwon Ohjin’s Black Heaven absorbed the stigma that no one had managed to live through being bestowed, causing said goddess to assume GWON OHJIN is a regressor. He isn’t. He doesn’t know what’s going on. But he IS a scammer, and he sure as hell isn’t going to let the goddess know he stole her stigma off of some dead guy. 

Crimes: thievery, fraud, murder (and probably more lol)

Lee Sookyung from Omniscient Reader's Viewpoint

No propaganda prepared yet

Van Cromwell from Just Because My Apprentice is the Strongest, Doesn’t Mean I’m Strong Too! 

Mod Propaganda: Committed fraud (pretending to be an S-rank) that’s punishable by death just to stay with his childhood best friend. 

Rejected

Ballister Blackheart from Nimona

Reason: Not from a web novel

Nimona from Nimona

Reason: Not from a web novel

[chocolatemilksmoothie]

Labyrinth Runners

Omg I loved this one!! buckle up, there's a lot of little details and a lot to point out

I suspected we might not get an update on Luz and the rest of the owl house members and the suspense there is killing me ngl...

I can already see it, both groups meet and both are like "we have SO much to tell you you're not gonna believe this-"

anyways, baby Willow and baby Gus my beloveds

I love their relationship. they were there for each other before anyone else was, and you can see how deeply they care for one another

Gus is a scary good illusionist, it must be frightening to have that happen

ahh good ol' breathing exercises, always worth a shot

I ADORE that Bump allows more kids to try multi track magic, and Matt got into illusion magic! aww

Among Luz's messages was "don't scare him(them?) away" I think she was referring to Hunter. it's sweet she took the time to write that, but god I hope she's safe

the hearts they are adorable <3

I enjoyed Willow and Amity's plot as well! Amity trying to protect her because he values having her back vs Willow wanting her to see that she is strong and can fight alongside her!

he's been reading about Grimwalkers... oh buddy what have you learned?

it's both sweet and heartbreaking that 1) he thought of hexside as a safe place to hide and 2) he's wearing the Flyer Derby outfit. he really had a good time being a normal kid for a day :')

Adrian. I like his style but I did NOT buy his act. How horrifying that he was tricking students into getting sigils by pretending he was helping them not get sigils. messed up

they really made him a pretentious director. I love it. both he and Terra are scary and full of personality, very fun antagonists to see

Love his design also. Everything about it

Severine... is voiced by Dana right? she was hilarious, go back to the tiny cat coven girl they don't deserve u here

Loved the concept of a trippy labyrinth of familiar places too

throw yourself down the steps to see if they're real, flawless technique

once again Hunter parallels another character. Gus is trusting by nature, which has led to him getting hurt, while Hunter grew up in a competitive, hostile environment where the only person he trusted blindly ended up being a monster. He is being extra cautious. But Gus won't hurt him

God, Belos sent a search party and is pretending like he's all worried. he hasn't told anyone he ran away. but we know what'll happen if he goes back to the castle *shudders*

the acting and animation for the panic attack, the breathing and the hesitation were done with a lot of care. I also like that it's in "Gus' room"

I love Gus I love him lots ok

the banned posters I love my children lmao

HIGH FIVE

I'm so happy Hunter still calls Willow "captain" he respects her a ton

and again, it makes sense he noticed she wasn't the real one. Gus is trusting, and Willow has never taken advantage of his trust, while Hunter is super on edge atm

"put him-" "out of his misery? got it" jesus dude he just kicked you

HIS TEAMMATES SAVED HIM

"dude looks sickly" yeah he's been sleep deprived and mentally abused and probably not eating much it'll do that to ya

oh I love this little ragtag team of rebel witches (+ Gus of course)

Adrien wants to find the Galderstones for Belos. Funny, pretty sure that's an ingredient for a certain thing hmmm ever heard of Grimwalkers?

"in the name of the moon we will kick your ass!"

Gus' ability to make you see traumatic memories is messed up. Dana stop traumatizing the children challenge

Hunter and Gus bonding about how they've been deceived and used. and awww the breathing with whistling ahaha is this because of the tooth gap because same

GUS KEPT THE MIRROR THINGY YES

"what... is... this??" "just go with it" my heart

friends will hug you even if you haven't showered

the Illusion coven head got MESSED UP oh my god

Barcus cracks me up he's so well spoken

and we end with Hunter having a LOT to talk about, but also having a large group of people to support and watch out for him

I suspect they're all gonna start preparing to find Luz and the others and to stop Belos in the Day of Unity ohhhohoho I feel DREAD BABEYYY

this was a dense one, and the first episode without Luz in it. I expect next week we'll catch up with them, especially King, and hopefully by the end of next ep both teams meet up to prepare together...

[s1utspeare]

10 Characters I Fell in Love With in 2021

alighlaskdfjlaksdjf ok fuck. this is gonna be HARD because y’all know me you know i LOVE characters asdgihalsdkfjadslkjf. anyway THANK YOU @lasenbyphoenix​ for tagging me in this I love you!! and all your characters were so good! 

Alright I’m going to try and only choose one per show/actor otherwise they would all be from mystic nine or william characters and I can’t do that lmao

1. Fo-ye from The Mystic Nine

Is anyone even surprised? Cause I’m sure not. this man is the love of my life and my heart’s delight and FUCK i just love him so much. is it because he’s william? yes partially. but also just because fo-ye is SUCH a good character and SO tragic about it. like this mans is the embodiment of self-sacrifice and I’m never going to be over it. he wasn’t even my favorite character from m9 at first but he has slowly taken over my heart and soul and i would legitimately do anything for more Him npss pls give us season two PLEASE anyway i’m obsessed with him goodbye

2. Choi Myung-hee from Vincenzo

I FUCKING LOVE HER and not because she’s nice because she is the WORST and MOST EVIL but because of how important she is as a character. everyone’s like “jang han-seok my poor little meow meow” and then are like “choi myung-hee >:(” like if she were a male character people would LOVE HER but she’s NOT but she’s my favorite because she is EVIL and fucked UP and absolutely UNAPOLOGETIC ABOUT IT and i genuinely love how she is written and acted and GUH. she’s stellar. everyone appreciate her NOW

3. Saya from The Arthdal Chronicles

Sayaaaaaaaaa ok half of this i think is how good song joong-ki is at acting in this drama, cause he does like. two completely different characters with his choices i fucking love him (it’s mostly in his mouth too like GOSH when are actors going to stop Fucking Me Up with their acting choices surrounding their lips), but Saya is! feral! but like? elegant about it?? idk i hope there’s more of this show coming out bc i need to see him lose it just a little bit i think that would be great for me

4. Nam Seon-ho from My Country: The New Age

hghghgnnghgngghgngnghgngn SEON-HO MY LITERAL ANGEL. BB. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG EVER. jk he absolutely did make mistakes but FUCK this character just hit every single Good Button in my book. for me, he is the perfect character. if i wrote a drama it would be like this i.e. every time someone should be angry at their Misunderstood Best Friend, the Misunderstood Best Friend just gets Covered in Blood instead. like I think that’s great. i love him i love this drama i love everything about it if you haven’t seen it yet YOU WON’T REGRET IT

5. Ding Mao from Tientsin Mystic

he is. my baby. the love of my life. my son. i would die for him. i’ve talked a lot about tientsin mystic recently and I will keep talking about it because I literally adore him and i want to scream about it. he’s so so good. so well acted. trying his best, but also ultimately blinded by his privilege and seeing him work through that is just!!!! it’s really really good i love him and his curls

6. Gu Xiang from Word of Honor

GOSH SHE FUCKS SO HARD???? damn. like. damn. i want her to kick my ass. she’s so badass and competent and feisty and i am cao weining, following her around with heart eyes. she’s so so so fun and amazing, and i want to be her when i grow up

7. Lee Jae-sun from Meow! The Secret Boy

this drama was a blast and a half but lee jae-sun my gentle boy?? he’s so SOFT in this. just. he’s the softest. he’s got the type of background that could have made him angry and aggressive but instead he’s a cute shy introvert who has a combination coffee shop/leather working studio and he handmakes crafts and loves cats and wears soft sweaters and is just a really really good man all around. just his general aesthetic makes me 🥺

8.  Tang Fan from The Sleuth of the Ming Dynasty

admittedly i have only seen two and a half episodes of this show but tang fan already owns my heart. i too want to be an eccentric gay foodie detective that writes erotica as my side hustle. he’s such a bitch. so high maintenance. rip his boyfriend he’s going to have his hands FULL with this one. 

9. Han Ho-yeol from D.P.

i saw this actor first in Train to Busan: Peninsula, and he was great and crazy! his face is so interestingly structured! anyway i think i really like ho-yeol bc he treats his work as a job. like it’s a fun job for him, and he takes it seriously, but at the end of the day, he’s doing it because he has to, not because he feels like he’s being a hero or trying to save people. He’s just working, and would step away from the work in a second if given the opportunity, i think, which is very refreshing honestly. also he’s a little unhinged but in a good way, and i just think he’s neat

10. The Main Trio from 3 Will Be Free

3 WILL BE FREE MY BELOVED!!!! thanks to @mejomonster who clued me in on this one and finally made me watch it bc ghghghghghghh i loved it so much?? if you haven’t seen 3WBF yet, it’s free on youtube, PLEASE watch it. Anyway i went into this one expecting Shin to be my favorite and I loved him but Neo and Miw also own my heart? they’re all such different characters and so multi-faceted but so well written and acted and they break my heart and put it back together again, and I don’t think any of them are nearly as good without the other two. like??? shit. find me a better canon polycule (you can’t bc they don’t exist ahahahahahahahahaha :/) anyway i couldn’t choose just one of them bc i love them all and they are inseparable :)

ONCE AGAIN THANKS TO LASEN!!! THIS WAS SO FUN AND I LOVED IT! I am tagging @highpriestessofjogan, @pissmeoffanddie, @psychic-waffles, @bimingjue, and @rose-nebulijia, cause I wanna see what your favorite characters were!!! <3

[rice-pudding-slaps]

A WILD thought just crossed my head but a Cats High School Teachers AU? It would be ✨glorious✨

Just imagine!!

Jennyanydots would totally be a language teacher That's how we call it in my country lmao language and communications. It's basically grammar and literature ANYWAY that is also kind of a mother for kids who need help. She would totally and absolutely be that Miss Honey kinda Vibes™ teacher that always has a kind word for you and if she sees you crying, she will protect you with her life (And also maybe she has this huge bag filled with napkins and sweets). She's strict tho. But not in a mean way. She doesn't just gift grades, she makes you work for it. You can turn up your paper again, but it will have 300 corrections. But she will praise your efforts and help you overcome your difficulties.

Skimble gives me such Math Teacher That Always Has a Story and Rarely Actually Teaches The Class kinda vibes. His class is always on the most absolute of silence and no one ever DREAMS of pranking him. The kids knoooow that they can say "Hey, mr Skimbles I heard you were on a train once" and boom he will tell you all these stories about his time being in charge of the Northern Mail. He has told the story sooooo many times that the children once put on a play with one of the stories for Teachers Day or smtn. He was moved to tears

Demeter would absolutely be an art teacher and be the most understanding teacher ever. She's patient and kind and she will give you a day more to bring in your work if you need it. She also always has a way to find hurt kids. Coming from an abusive background herself, she's quick to act whenever she feels a child migh need any type of help. She ended up being That Teacher That Every LGBTQ+ Kid Befriends and she is proud to be helpful and provide love to those who need it. She's very close to Munk and is always helping with the props for the plays.

Bomba is a science teacher because I said so. And because she has a similar vibe to most of my science teachers when I was in school lmao. She's funny and charismatic and pretty laid back. And you never know what to expect from her. The kids love her bc she might spend some class talking all about formulas and next class is "Hey kids wanna learn how to make EXPLOSIONS??" they never actually blow up something, but she makes the lab classes the best thing.

Munkustrap is an absolute history teacher. No questions asked. The man knows how to narrate every historical moment like you were there. He has a silver tounge (pun intended). And he always tries to teach the most he can, because history is just so broad and there is so much to talk about. And he definetely would answer all the questions, even the more weird ones. He's called by kids the Protector because even when he's easly the most strict teacher ever, he would never let anyone bad mouth his students. No matter how chaotic the class was, he will always tell them that as long as they learned something, they won. He also works in the theatre departement, so the theatre kids are in love with the guy. They tried to set him up with Demeter in a play, but gave up after a half hour speech on how they shouldn't be involved in their teachers personal lifes.

Tugger is obviously a music teacher. He is that laid back, friendly and overall awesome teacher that everyone just loves. He plays any instrument you can think of and will teach you if you ask. As a joke, a whole class asked to learn the bagpipes and when next class this rockstar of a teacher appeared with a fucking bagpipe and a whole lot for the kids they fucking LOST IT. He will help you with practice and if you want to get into serious music, then he will absolutely root for you. He has a song composed for every teacher and absolutely everyone hates him for this. He's also with the theatre kids and always helps with plays maybe to mess with Munk, maybe he likes the attention. He's also in charge of music and dance presentations and he abuses his powers greatly. And everytime a class graduates he says that he doesn't really cares that much (is the circle of life, baby) but will shed silent tears everytime bc he's gonna miss the kiddies.

Misto's obviously a dance teacher. Duh. He might be an ex student for the same school. He's fresh out of college and he sometimes doesn't know what to do, but he tries really hard. And he's harsh as fuck for the same reason. He always wears a tuxedo to class and a bowtie bc he tought it was a formal thing and now it's kind of like "his thing". He's kind of cold at first and doesn't talk really that much, the kids first tought he hated them, but later found out that he just goes non verbal sometimes and designed a whole system to communicate instructions and corrections. Misto was so happy. And that's why there is a board on the classroom they use to dance. He's also one of the teachers that every LGBTQ+ kid loves, and he tries his best to support each one. And yes, every day they ask "DO THE CONJURING TURNS MR. MISTOFFELEES" and he gladly does. There was this rumor that he was magic bc once a kid saw him in a presentation out of school and they swear he sparkled out of the blue. He knows, and sometimes he would do little tricks for the kiddos for funs, and other teachers just to mess with them. He also goes to the teathre departement and it's constantly working with Tugger so the music and dance kids do presentations together. The kids ship it so hard

Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer are the best gym teachers ever. They also are very new to this, but they make class the most fun thing ever. They teach sports and gymnastics with ease. And they have no mercy on dodge ball. No. Mercy. They once were playing on the field with the kids and hit Tugger on the head. The legend says that they ran across the school for all night. The truth is that they outrun Tugger, but not Munk.

Jellylorum is the school's nurse. She always has a tecito de hierbas for you. And she will always hear you and try to get you to be better. She has infinite patience for eveyone. And she always carries pads and tampons for the kids who may need it. And if you ever need a shoulder to cry on? She's there too. She and Jenny have their officed flood on Mother's day because they are the second mothers of so many kids. She also catches up with ex-students and remember every name.

Gus is the official Theatre teacher. He is this old man who is so wise and strict, but just because he loves his craft so so much. Every year there is some kind of rumor that he might retire, but it never seemed to happen. He has a little office with so many photos and diplomas and it's just filled with memories. He is very harsh on the kids. Very. But they love him because he also can spend hours talking about his greatest performances on theatre. When he actually had to retire because he was starting to have very fragile health, everyone cried. They held a big play and he played Growltiger. No one had a dry eye that night. And he still visits the school from time to time. He goes to every play.

You might say that Old Deuteronomy is the principal and you would be very right. But this man was a teacher in his day. He taught philosophy and history and english and literature. He has more degreed that a high school teacher had to have, but he loved dearly the art of teaching. And he remembers every kid. Every morning he sits at the entrance and says to every one of them by name. He plays with the kids when his health let's him. He has a framed photo of him and Gus on their first years as teachers just along side a photo of the year Tugger joined Munkustrap on the school staff. And everyone is very sure that he might let Munkustrap take the position one day. He's also a kind soul. And will let kids tug on his beard. There was this christmas when he dressed up as santa and it was the sweetest thing ever.

Tantomille and Coricopat are philosophy teachers. They take turns doing classes and you will never know wich one taught you last class because they are in perfect sync. Their test are the most outlandish thing ever, and give points for "originality" wich is mostly just wich kid said the most weird but true thing. The kids are kinda scared of them. Just enough to not to mess up their classes.

I am not completely sure, but Alonzo being a spanish teacher just brings me so much joy. He's always teaching them songs and little games to learn spanish and the kids take total advantage of that just to mess with him. He never gets truly mad if they play a prank on him. And he's the Protector number 2 to the kids, bc he would absolutely turn up to a teachers reunion wet from head to toe and instead of tattle on the kids, he would just say it was an accident. Munk knows and always ends up catching the culprit, not always with Alonzo's help.

The Rumpus Cat is the school mascot.

[prismhibiscusrosemary]

the owl house characters described by my friend @thelostbiscuits who has never seen toh(all this was over text and i copied it word for word btw): the bold is me noting significant things in the conversation

luz: enby lesbian uhhh theyre probably assertive, confident, painfully gay, lives off of strawberry uncrustables and peace tea they’re nice tho

king: what is the dog doinnn he and enby lesbian are friends, he's comedic relief, pretty chill eda: you thought you could just show me catras grandma and get away with it catra but shes old and tired? willow: she is baby, she isnt that smart but she tries and we love her- very nice :)) she cares about people

gus: he's friends with glasses chick(willow), he also cares a lot but he gets into a lot of trouble amity: oh i know her too because your gay ass reblogs all their ship art shes gay for enby lesbian (lmao they aren’t wrong). she's tough but like you get to know her and shes not that tough? tsundere but not anime lol. OH i feel like shes like pearl from su a little bit lilith: okay first of all im in love with them. she's serious- basically a trad goth girl from the 90s, chill but takes no bs viney: hmMMmMmmm mom vibes, probably gives really good advice. i cant think of much else for her ooP- she looks exactly like my stepmom sjhdfh- jerbo: he reminds me of greg heffley but idk are hints allowed HDJKD- (i gave them the hint of “plants vs zombies” at this point lol) hmmmmmmm i feel like he's a closeted bi. just gives off those vibes, also kind of a nerd? he might be really smart. he might also just be a straight guy that im looking too deep into the soul of i cant tell barcus: what is the dog doingggg (i told them he’s a witch on the boiling isles hoping it’d clear it up a bit and it kinda worked) prophet cat hyena dog,,,,, im thinking he's pretty wise is he friends with blue haired bisexual queen(lilith)? i feel like he might be (i told them he’s friends with jerbo and viney) oh i see that! wait are they siblings?? (i said no they’re classmates) and they were classmates edric: bro he has to be related to blue haired queen(lilith) uhhhh just judging on the face smug as all hell. annoying but we love him anyways emira: why the fuck do they all look related uhhHhhHHHHhh (i told them that ed and em are siblings) she's giving me very much older sister vibes (which she probably is older than teal haired boy(edric)), confident, has her shit together (i told them ed and em are twins) hmmm she might be mischevious too but a little less so than the dude

boscha: evil >:D she's kind of like the one princessy villain from the power puff girls, maybe kind of pretentious, the others really do try to be her friend tho hooty: HAH- how do i even judge him hes just. he. uhhhhhh he baby honestly, i love him a lot principal bump: god that man is so fucking dusty uHHHhHHHhh salad fingers but a man- "i cRaVe rUsTy sPoOns". he's staring into my soul im sorry i can't rate him ive been stunned to my core (it was at this point that i lost my shit and started cackling into my pillow) look at his fucking finger omg emperor belos: “👁👁” as a,,,, being?????? what is it?????????and like,, theyre super mysterious. i love how we started off with like soft characters and we've descended into purgatory with salad fingers and the grim reaper

mattholomule: oh cool neville longbottom uhhhhh he is also dusty, you wouldnt know him but he kind of reminds me of upchuck from daria(for context i haven’t watched daria). i dont trust him he looks like he would steal my money. the hair is what gave me neville (i told them i thought they’d say he looked like a child drug dealer) HE DOES LMAOOOO- kikimora: oh look its me we are soul siblings i relate uhhhh theyre like a little rat but not in a bad way,,, scuttle-y and kind of quiet warden wrath: WHAT THE HELL DUDE,,,,,,,, LMAOOO NOT A WHOLE ASS PLAGUE DOCTOR THAT COULD FIT INTO A HORROR MOVIE how do i eVEN RATE H- i cant even s e e them,,, what do they even do does he even go here? OH he works for grim reaper guy (i confirmed this) does he kill people for him that would be cool (i told them he does occasionally and that he runs a prison) wow i-

tibbles: he's a merchant :)) pretty good salesman HE'S A CAPITALIST PIG HAHA  but yeah he's good at his job and nice owlbert: The Owl Of The House.he is small but he knows things, many things (i asked if that was it) ,,,, yes he has seen many tragedies

the bat queen: WHAT THE HELL IS THAAAAT (i legit just said “the bat queen”) NO FUCKING WAY THIS IS THE SAME DAMN SHOW LMAOOOOO evil ass goth humpty dumpty she would kick your ass and that concludes @thelostbiscuits‘s summary of the owl house lmao

[jinfilms]

@hobieshopie​ and @kimteahyung​ tagged me in this questionnaire style tag...thank u my loves i’m sorry i take so long (๑´ㅂ`๑) >

What do you prefer to be called name wise?

hannah but some people just say han 

When is your birthday?

may 7 

Where do you live?

north carolina mama yeehaw 

Three things you are doing right now?

finally enjoying a day off after like. too long lolol

listening to drama by txt

i just finished my coffee and a cream cheese pastry...i miss them already

Four fandoms that have piqued your interest right now?

bts if that counts

haikyuu!! mmmm i just think i’d like it if i gave it another chance 

red velvet bc i wanna get back into girl groups that still exist lol

kdrama community...it’s kinda hard bc i don’t like the way the female characters are often written to be honest, so i am open to suggestions :(

How is the pandemic treating you?

grocery store workers were considered essential (everything is open again in my town so there’s no difference in ‘essential’ and nonessential anymore lmao), so i never stopped working, i honestly can’t say a lot has changed which i’m thankful for :( i guess i could say that it made work more stressful but i don’t think i should complain 

A song you can’t stop listening to right now?

moon dance by nu’est i can’t even explain it other than that song makes me feel like i’m in love dslkfsd i’m the least ‘hopeless romantic’ person i know irl so it’s actually a really foreign feeling but it’s nice 10/10 i recommend that song for ur future playlists

Recommend a movie?

shoplifters (2017) by hirokazu kore-eda just go into it blind i promise u it’s worth it

How old are you?

21

School, university, occupation, other?

i’m working atm and i’ll go back to school someday but due to Circumstances i chose to focus on other things

Do you prefer hot or cold?

strictly cold...i never finished a hot drink and i hate being hot bc my body retains a lot of heat anyway

Name one fact others may not know about you:

Are you shy?

uhh yes but i do what i have to to get around i don’t have social anxiety or anything

Do you have any preferred pronouns?

Any pet peeves?

when people listen to music without earbuds i could lit erally rip their head off... also when people burp and sneeze etc around me i’m sorry i know it’s natural idk what to tell u 

also the fact that everything makes a noise... like even walking i don’t even wanna hear the sound of my own feet on the floor if i’ve got a headache again idk idk i just want some damn peace n quiet ! 

What’s your favorite “dere” type?

bambi

Rate you life 1-10; 

-10 but we’re getting there

What’s your main blog?

uhh it used to be @gusdapperton​ but i don’t care about any of the old stuff i used to blog about there anymore... if ur reading this and listen to gus dapperton and want that url then send me an ask or smthn and i’ll give it to someone who will use it lol

List your side blogs and what they are used for:

@gusdapperton​ was my film and tv blog 

@qirby​ was for anime and gaming stuff etc

those were my main two...i ran several networks and other blogs but i think i’m just going to archive like. everything and just focus on this blog bc i really care about a lot of my mutuals sjdlksjd it seems stupid to have had to many blogs but i can’t stand having all of my interests crammed into one dashboard it feels so messy and i don’t want to see everything all the time u know

despite everything i just said i saved @dreamchapter​ the other day just in case i wanted to make a txt/multi sideblog lolol

Is there anything you think people need to know about you before being friends with you?

uhh idk i’m really boring so lower ur expectations

for this i wanna tag @starlightstae​ @taechnological​ @eternalbulletproof​ @applejoon​ and @seokjjin​ no pressure tho ok? i hope u guys are doing well and safe in ur environments ♡

also @matchaminn​ tagged me in a really similar tag so i’ll answer the questions that weren’t on this one...bc i love u :(

sexuality

bi 

hogwarts house

hufflepuff

current time

2:24 pm / 14:24 

favorite animal

cats

cats or dogs

always cats. i said what i said

dream job

i used to go to school for teaching and psychology but if i were to go back tomorrow i think i’d choose something like digital art and graphic design...i dunno i’m scared of turning my passion into a career though i know i could potentially get sick of it and want to stop 

when i made this blog

january and i think the exact day was the 18th...literally 4 days after i found bts i made this blog lmao i didn’t even know their names but i was online when the black swan orchestra ver mv dropped and when i watched it i just Knew u know

reason for my url

agust d chefs kiss

anyways. i love u all thank u pls let me know if u are doing well from time to time i would like to know :( mwah

[purplesurveys]

938

Have you ever met a guy for coffee? No. I do remember having a public speaking class in college where one of our assignments was to be paired with another person in the class and have sort of like a meetup with them outside of class hours to practice our ~social skills. I happened to be paired with a guy and right after our short meetup he texted me if I’d be free for coffee. I said yes as long as my girlfriend was coming over, then he stopped replying entirely lmao.

Do you have a twitter?   I do. It used to be my favorite social media since people always shared interesting stuff there, but when lockdown started and we all had to stay home, there understandably wasn’t much to tweet about anymore and so it’s gotten a little boring and I’m ready to admit that I check the app much much less now.

How often do you get called on your home phone?   We get a ring at least once a day because my grandma likes checking up on us.

Do you watch any television shows on USA?   I mean, I technically used to. Back when I was younger and my schedule was a lot more loose, I would watch an online livestream of the USA Network airing WWE Raw. Except that while my American friends would watch it Monday nights, I was watching the same live show but on Tuesday morning.

Do you feed your leftovers to your dogs? I wouldn’t call it leftovers. We designate a certain portion of our food for them the same way we designate portions for ourselves.

Do you like salt on your popcorn? I prefer buttered popcorn, but I wouldn’t mind salt on mine either.

Would you rather watch the Olympics or the X-Games? I’m not interested in either but I guess I’d go with the Olympics since there are more countries involved and the production value that goes into it, especially during the opening ceremonies, is awesome. I personally don’t enjoy watching extreme sports so I think I might find the X-Games a little boring.

What tricks does your pet do? Not much ha, but Kimi knows to stand up (though I think most dogs know this) and to wait for me to finish pouring his food into his bowl. Cooper knows stand up, shake hands, and give high-fives.

Do you believe in psychics?   No, but I still might visit one just for shits and giggles one day. < All this. It’s bullshit but I’m willing to fuck around once just to see how a psychic can mess with my head lol.

When you hear the name “Ginger” what do you think of? I think of the cuddly cat that likes to hang out in our college that the students like to call Ginger because he’s orange. I know the faculty likes to call him another name but I’ve been out of school for so long I don’t remember the name anymore :( Anyway, Ginger’s one of like three cats I’ve ever genuinely liked because he was so sociable, super chill, an was always ready to lie on my lap or backpack whenever he spots me working nearby.

How often do you use Facebook?   Everyday, for the memes. I deactivated this morning, though. I do so from time to time.

What is the fanciest restaurant you have been to?   I’ve been in fancy restaurants with my family, but the fanciest ones I’ve been to on a date were always in BGC. I never really took note of the names because they were always lengthy Italian titles fhfjhjkjfhf but they were all so nice and the service was always so *chef’s kiss*

How did your Valentine’s Day go?   We didn’t do anything on Feb 14 itself but the day before, she came over to my school and got me a street food bouquet – barbecue, chicken isaw, pig isaw. Then we had to stay at the college for a while because my org was actually running an event that afternoon, but when that was over I think we had dinner at like Mama Lou’s maybe? and then had ice cream at Mad Mark’s. It was a nice evening.

Do you like Shawn and Gus from Psych?   I’ve never heard of them or what Psych is.

What is the worst damage that your car has seen?   Nothing worse than a mild fender bender. Fortunately I haven’t been in any serious accidents.

Who is your least favorite character on your favorite television show? My least favorite on The Crown would be King Edward lol though I did dislike him even before the show. My least favorite on Friends is Emily Waltham.

Have you gotten sick this year?   Yes, back in May. That was such a weird, random UTI/fever...

When was the last time you got a new ringtone?   I never got myself ringtones, even back then when downloading or buying them was super popular. I liked sticking to what my phone already provides.

Have you ever peed yourself from laughing?   I don’t think so.

Is your last name well known in your town?   My last name is common-ish in terms of popularity. In terms of notability, I would say my middle name is well-known in our home province because we have family running the office in that province.

What was the last thing that annoyed you?   Preparing so much for my job interview and getting my answers to sound perfect, only for the CEO to ask me a bunch of shit about journalism and my thesis when my application is for a marketing position. I was thrown the fuck off and I did NOT like that feeling lmao

When was the last time you sent a picture message?   Yesterday. [found at quarantin3surv3ys]

[stayathomesurveys]

002.

Hey there love, what’s your name?  Ashley.

Do you live somewhere that’s warm all year around?  Nope.

Are you in any after school activities?  I’m not in school.

List a random lyric:  No.

Do you listen to Nevershoutnever?  I used to.

How old are you?  26 :(

What grade are you in?  I’m not.

If you’re out of school, do you have a job?  I do.

Do you smoke? How about drink? No.

Do you own any kind of iPod?  Not anymore.

Do you have any close friends?  Nope.

Ever been depressed? Yes. I’m not sure it ever really goes away.

Have you ever cut yourself or self-harmed in any other sort of way? Yeah.

Ever had a close friend or family member die? No.

How tall are you?  5′3″ ish.

How would you describe your body?: Skinny, average, overweight, etc.?  Fat and ugly.

What are/did you do tonight?  I worked until 6 pm. I watched One Tree Hill in bed for hours. I worked out for an hour. I did laundry. I watched more One Tree Hill. I took a shower.

Are you listening to any music?  No, I’m watching One Tree Hill.

Do you have any siblings, or are you an only child?  I have two sisters and a brother.

Where do you see yourself in about 20 years from now?  I don’t know.

Have a Facebook?  Yes.

Are you crushing on anyone, or do you have a boyfriend at the moment? If so, what’s his name?  I have a boyfriend but I’m not very happy in my relationship.

What’s your room like?  Small, clean. I have one big window on the righthand wall. I have a matching bedroom set (I wasn’t too keen on this but it was the easiest option for financing) that is pretty. I have a small white vanity table with all of my makeup and LED light mirror on it. I have a white cube thing from IKEA next to my vanity full of my skincare, more makeup, exercise equipment, makeup brushes, etc. I have a TV on my boyfriend’s dresser in front of the bed.

Do you live alone, with a partner, or with your parents?  I live with my boyfriend.

Is there that one something/someone you think of & begin to break down? Yes.

Would you consider yourself bipolar?  I’ve been diagnosed as Bipolar II but I don’t know if I really agree with it. I also don’t care enough to get a second opinion. I’m not on any medication for it so a misdiagnosis isn’t physically hurting me in anyway.

Do you have good manners?  Yes.

Are you a virgin, or no? If not, what age did you lose it at?  No. I lost it at 20.

If you could marry any famous person, who would it be? I don’t know.

Who’s YouTube channel do you view the most? Bailey Sarian and Jaime French.

Can you stand drunk people?  Nope.

Do you like the smell of smoke, or can’t stand it? I hate it.

Are you a natural blonde? If not, ever had a moment when you seem like you’re blonde?  I am and that’s so outdated, lmao.

Can you play an instrument? Not anymore.

Last thing you drank was…?  Zero Sugar Dr. Pepper & Cream Soda.

Ditched a good friend for a boy?  Yeah but it was because I was in an abusive relationship and that kind of thing tends to happen.

Who was your last text from?  I don’t know, not an actual person.

Last missed call?  Telemarketer.

Do you like your name, or wish you could change it? I don’t like my name but I wouldn’t change it. I would feel really silly doing that.

Are you watching tv?  Yes, I’m watching One Tree Hill.

If you could go back to whatever year you wanted, which year would you choose?  One of my childhood years. 

Is your phones ringtone turned up or is it on vibrate.  It’s on silent. Not on vibrate, I hate that.

When’s the last time you’ve cried?  Today. 

Have you ever made a friend on omegle?  Yup.

Have you ever flown in an airplane?  Yes.

How many friends do you have?  None.

Who’s your BEST best friend?  I don’t have one.

Who do you currently miss? Gus... he hasn’t spoken to me in like two years and I think about him everyday. My family. 

Do you shop at Hot Topic?  I go in there to look at their piercing jewelry but that’s it.

Do you own a pair of short shorts? Yes.

Do you have any pets? If so, what kinds?  Yes. I have three cats.

Do you know how to skateboard? I used to.

Do you have any sort of social networking account?  Yes.

[le-sejour]

Folly

Words: 1383

Pairing: some very slight Thomas Jefferson x Reader

World: Modern/College AU

Warning: cursing, mentions of furry porn, seductive turtle, Theatre Kid! Alexander, vague to no plotline: just actual stupidity w some romance if you squint

Prompt: Inspired by real chats and true events. One of my greatest friends seriously makes me think of a modern day Alexander Hamilton... Also, he’s a gold mine of hilarious fuck ups and I’m glad I’m there to witness it.

A/N: sweats I’M WORKING ON THE ORGY FIC, ASSUMPTIONS PT2 aND UNDER ARREST I SWEAR I JUST NEEDED TO GET THIS OUT OF MY SYSTEM and also to let u know i’m still alive LMAO

Enjoy~

MacNCheezy: Hey, doll

You: Yes, T?

MacNCheezy: You wanna make $10?

You: I’m not selling drugs for you, Thomas.

MacNCheezy is typing…

Pulling your [h/l] [h/c] hair into a low ponytail, you laughed as the chat window informed you that Thomas was writing and rewriting his response. It was amusing to see him flustered, even if you couldn’t actually see him. The thought of his indignant huffing and puffing was enough to brighten the already shitty day you’ve just had.

Thomas stared into his phone with disbelief. Here he was, genuinely trying to help a friend out (he’ll end up benefiting from this anyway, but, shh) and you were being impudent! The nerve of some people, honestly.

You: Oh, you would know a lot about the drug market, wouldn’t you, sweetheart?

He considers on sending the message then and there, but knew you would jump at the opportunity to Fight™ so he quickly types in his initial intentions.

But your connection to sketchy trades is not why I’m here. I have a commission for you.

ItsKittenBitch: Oh? Yknow I’d rather fuck a cactus than get into bed w you, baby boo.❤️ 

ItsKittenBitch: Besides, $10 is cheap, even for a corner street hooker. 

ItsKittenBitch: Up your game, Teej, and I’ll maybe consider holding ur hand. 😘

The mocaccino incarnate drags his hand over his face in irritation. Why was he asking you again? Oh, right, you were actually more tolerable than the squad you liked to hang around. And also Jemmy was still too sick to help him out.

You: Will you be serious for once, [F/Name]? I’m in a tight spot.

You rolled your eyes as your fluffy haired friend described the situation to you. He lamented over how he had to take care of James while he was swamped with papers for his major and his part-time gig at a local online publication.  

You: So you’re basically asking me to be a ghostwriter for a ghostwriter? 👀 👀

MacNCheezy: Yes, [F/Name], that’s exactly what I’m asking you to do.

You: What do I get out of it?

MacNCheezy is typing...

You: I’m kidding, Thomas. Don’t get your hair curlers in a notch. 

You: I know I get $10 for 500 words. I’ll do it. 

You:  But I’m also expecting ice cream and mac and cheese for this.

MacNCheezy: If you wanted a date that badly, you should’ve just asked, sugar. 😏

You: e w, can you not with the emojis, old man? 😩 You trying to be cool is just... sad. 😔

MacNCheezy: Just give the article to me in 3 or so hours, or you’re not getting ice cream. 

MacNCheezy: I hear the parlor down the street is having two-scoop Tuesday and it would be a terrible shame for us to miss it.

You: I can get ice cream on my own, ya kno

MacNCheezy: I know for a fact you like being treated to free ice cream because you’re broke, [F/Name].

You: di s gu st i ng. You exploit my weakness for free food.

MacNCheezy: See you in 3 or so hours, sweetheart. 😀 😃 😄 😁 😆 😅 😂 ☺️ 😊 😇 🙂 🙃 😉 😌 😍 😘 😗 😙 😚 😋 😜 😝 😛🤑 🤗  😎 🤡 🤠 😏 

You: s T O p 😫😤

It’s been two hours since you’ve been click-clacking away on your laptop, and after agreeing with yourself that you’ve written a decent first draft, you decided to take a break. Drawing one knee up to your chest, you pulled up your web browser and logged onto your Facebook.

Alenhamner Cameltoe: yo [N/Name]!

You: sup non stop kids bop

Alenhamner Cameltoe: I just thought of something

You: wooooah there slow down don’t hurt urself Alex

Alenhamner Cameltoe: Blatantly ignoring that comment fueled by self-hate

I realized why they changed the plot of Anastasia for the stage play.

You: Uh... they did?

Alenhamner Cameltoe: They did.

Rasputin isn't the villain. It's Ramin Karimloo as a violent Bolchevik.

You: huh. Why’d they do that?

Alenhamner Cameltoe: Because...

In the animation, and this was okay for the 90s, right?

Rasputin hates the Tzar over a power struggle so he casts some magic to make the people unhappy and revolt so they kill the Romanovs.

Basically the entire Russian Revolution is because a wizard got mad.

Not because of oppression. Not because of Imperialism..

But because a wizard got mad.

You stared at the screen in slight amusement. Looks like Alex was in his rant days. (You also suspected he was hopped up on several cups of coffee, but you’d let John worry about that.) You shook your head and clicked back to your word document to begin proofreading your piece. You’ll just let him continue to flood your inbox and read over it when he’s done.

After a few minutes of complete silence sans the clacking of your keyboard, you finally realized Alexander had finished telling his story. You read over your piece to make sure it was to your satisfaction before maneuvering back to Facebook.

Alenhamner Cameltoe: So it paints the Romanovs as the heroic victims of this story.

Nowhere does it mention why they were killed and what atrocities were comitted by the aristocracy on the Russian working class.

The plot actually won't hold up today.

Today's audiences wouldn't actually approve of a story like that.

... also you get awesome historical reference lyrics like this.

LINK

The original animation, if released today would be criticized for historical revisionism.

The link opened to another site. You didn’t bother checking the url because it was probably a lyric site or youtube, so you casually scrolled through your newsfeed while it loaded.

A couple of cat videos and a bunch of overused memes later, you found yourself switching to the fully loaded tab.

Boy, you wish you hadn’t because what the fuck.

On your screen sat an anthropomorphic t u r t l e in a very suggestive pose giving you very real, very unnerving bedroom eyes. Chills ran up and down your spine as you checked the url, horrified at learning it was a fucking furry site. 

What the fuck, Alexander.

Hastily, you clicked out of that website before going back to your chatbox. You rechecked the site he gave you, wondering if you somehow misclicked. But no, there the link was, bright as day. To a fucking porn site for furries.

You: WhaT thE fU c K, Ha  mi lt o n

Alenhamner Cameltoe: I KNOW RIGHT?! 

The play might be even better than the animation! 

Wait, what am I talking about? Of course the play is already better by comparison because it plays to a more historically accurate context.

You stared at the screen in confusion. Wait, so... he wasn’t pranking you...? Then that meant...

You: yo if yall wanna be furries das fine w me

Alenhamner Cameltoe: Huh?

You: but keep your porn away from me

Alenhamner Cameltoe: ???

!!!!!!!!!

WAIT NO

THAT’S FURRY PORN

REAL LINK

THIS IS ANASTASIA

You: yo I won’t judge ur weird sexual fetishes, boi. Just make sure it’s safe, sane, and consensual.

Alenhamner Cameltoe: NO!!!

NO THAT’S NOT MINE!

THAT’S A PRANK I PLAYED ON JOHN

GOD DAMN IT I RUINED MY HISTORICAL REVISIONISM RANT

You: L M A O

Greatest fails

Alenhamner Cameltoe: I was trying to gross him out for leaving his goddamned turtles out of the cage again.

You: congrats. you only played yourself. 😂 

Anyway I gotta go furry boi, Thomas owes me ice cream and mac and cheez

Alenhamner Cameltoe: I’M NOT A FURRY

THAT WAS FOR JOHN!

FOR JO H N !

Cackling madly, you logged off of Facebook. You pulled up your email account and forwarded your finished article to Thomas. Eh, you didn’t bother to proofread it a last time because you knew Thomas would be anal enough to go through it and edit it himself.

ItsKittenBitch: It is I, your savior, telling you that I have sent the feature to your email and demand compensation.

ItsKittenBitch: Now get off your ass and get ready for our date before I change my mind, old man. JemBuns will understand.

Thomas’ triumphant smirk melted into a fond smile as he pocketed his phone, handing James a fresh box of kleenex before getting ready.

[randisnotonfire-blog]

Just a bit out of my league Final Chapter Pt.1 Trailer Stan Uris X Reader/Henry Bowers X Reader Modern AU

Summary: (Also I changed this btw) Drama, drama, and more drama is all that can describe the messy Tozier family right now. After the drama with Henry and Y/n, and the Richie and Y/n’s parents things have been a mess. Stan is forced to tell Y/n that he likes her because Mike shoved him in front of her. Richie gives Y/n advice about what to do with her current situation with Henry, and in return Y/n gives Richie advice back about what their mom wants. 

Song: Out of my league by Fitz and the Tantrums and Almost by Bowling for Soup bc I’m a softie for punk rock >:3

Warnings: Fluff, angst, depressing parts, cursing, heartbreaking cliff hangers, 

A/n:Okay so I do but I don’t have writers block atm so thats sucks (Insert dick joke bc I am a walking female version of Richie Tozier) but eh at least I get to write for a bit anyways x3 also the drama in this kind of but doesn’t remind of Stranger Things season 2 but like I am still flipping my shit bc season 2 comes out in 15 days so like ye also SO SO SO sorry if Henry and anybody else is like super oc (Original character)

 If you are sensitive to family and love drama then please don’t read,                                                      You have been warned

Part one     Part two     Part three   

                                         *               *             *

    “Richie are you gonna sleep in here tonight?” You said as you got up from sitting on the floor. “They want us to go to the Neibolt house tomorrow afternoon…” Richie said as he was staring at the ground. “Seriously?” You said whilst helping him get up. “Sure I guess…” “There should be a sleeping bag in my closet” he nodded.      

       The next morning Stan and Bill were at your doorway looking at both you and Richie actually sleeping in the same room together. (Gif above is like their reactions bc lol why not lmao) “Shush it Bill” Stan whispered at Bill then Bill gave him a smirk and he responded back with a smirk. ‘Huh..’ Richie mumbled since he wasn’t a heavy sleeper. He lifted his head up and saw Stan and Bill. Eyes widened the other two boys were a giggling mess. “Go away creepo!” Richie said as he threw a pillow at them. Stan caught the pillow, “Eh” “Wh-why are you in y-your sisters r-ro-room?” Bill said and earned a shrug from Richie. “Dad came over, mom was yelling at him, cops came, it was a mess and a real blur last night..” you said as you grabbed your phone off the charger. “Speak of the devil” Richie said then he got up and started to put away the sleeping bag and put away the throw pillows that were on your bay window. “Can you guys like leave?” You said as you pointed at the direction that led out of your room. “Y-yeah” Stan said. 

                                     *                 *               *

  After you closed the door and locked it so you could change you had been shocked to have even received one text message from Henry considering all that happened last night. 

Henry: Hey

Y/n: Hey hru? 

  When you sent that message everything felt off. You hated knowing that if the police found out that Henry’s dad, a police officer, got stabbed by his own son you would be questioned like crazy. After 5 minutes he hadn’t replied which made you worried, “Y/n! Come downstairs!” Richie yelled out. You grabbed your phone and headed downstairs to find Stan, Bill, and Richie all standing by the door. “Wanna come with us?” He said with a cheeky grin on his face, because of his dorky personality for being a little brother you couldn’t say no. “Sure” You smiled back then went to put on your shoes. When you grabbed your phone you walked outside with all of them. “D-don’t y-yo-you have a c-car Y/n?” Bill said quietly, “Uh I have my learner’s permit..But it’s fine…” You said as you unlocked your moms mini van and let everyone get inside. Stan and Richie obviously fighted over who got to sit in the front seat, “Y-yo-you gu-guys stop i-it!” Bill said before jumping into the front seat. They both groaned and walked over, tumbling into the back seats. You smiled at them and turned on the radio. “Are y-you a good dr-driv-” Bill started to speak but you quickly backed out and almost ran over a cat and almost managed to knock over one of the house’s mailboxes. “whoa” “Eh I guess I am” You responded back with a smirk as you started driving off to anywhere. 

                                   *                  *                  *

   “Where are we going Y/n…?” Richie spoke up when he saw that you guys were driving on a very high up bridge. “There is this one bar…Well it’s not a bar..But like it has a beach around it and its called ‘The Sandbar’ nobody ever goes there since its always muggy around here in Derry but I just wanted to check it out” (lmao this is funny bc my mom works near a hotel, which is on the beach? if that makes sense lol but like there is a outdoor resturant that is legit on a beach and its called The Sandbar, i love going there so it was nice to add this in

[punkscowardschampions]

Rio & Grace

Rio: Gracie! Can't tie either parental down so you're unlucky enough to be my first port of call Rio: If I come down this week (half term, right? God I feel old not knowing, ick!) how many of yous are gonna be about? Wanna catch all of you if I can Grace: I'm not surprised, Nico thinks mum's charger is the most fun thing EVER and you know dad still kicks it like he's at some 70s disco instead of a restaurant kitchen. So cringe! Grace: Iggy's took off in the van and Pablo's never here even when he is (ugh we get it, you're hanging shush) but everyone else maybe? Grace: Unless Junior's nerding it up idk Rio: Bless them, you'll miss them when you go Rio: Mum and Dad, the cats, only your faves and Nico is a little bitch 😂 Rio: Good enough for me! Sure enough I'll only hold any of yas down for a hot second regardless Rio: What've you been up to? Got any fun plans then? Grace: 😂 No way they're the worst and won't give me the chance Grace: Ask Janis they're always in her grill now she has a bf she can't ever peel herself off of Grace: Gurl you better make time for me! 😚 London's like another planet and I need that goss Grace: Gotta keep uploading that 🐰🐣 content Grace: but keeping it lowkey 👌 Rio: They're highkey nerds, tis true, least they give a shit, eh? 😘 Rio: Fucking knew it, sneaky bitch. I asked her at NYE and she said nah but I KNEW Rio: Ugh, gonna give her SO much shit when I come back 😂 Rio: Duh! My goss might not set the teenybop influencer world alight but think you'll be into it Rio: Also, got some lush bunny ears from work you can style up if you like, there's the content Rio: Very Ariana Grace: We're so blessed 🙏 Grace: OMFG THANK YOU 👏 she's such a lying bitch Grace: And they are so 😍💍💘 it's HONESTLY disgusting like I can't Grace: YAS 👑!! babes I knew I was missing you Grace: Such a mood Rio: 🙌 Rio: Steady on 😂 Fill me on the beef before I'm taking sides Rio: Can't roll like that babe 🙉 Rio: Is he a twat? I could barely get a look in, hot property with the whole fam that night not just Jan, like 😏 Rio: Right? My turn to THANK YOU 'cos all the other girls were raging after me lemme tell you, saying it reeked of misogyny and cheesy old school playboy Rio: Not educated in Hef paving the way for ladies being allowed to be sexual, ESP the sistas 💣💥 Rio: Its iconic, yeah? Like hush Grace: Honey not even! Now he's got her feeling the 💖 we all benefit Grace: Like from 💀 to 😍!! Grace: Here's the thing he's NICE!! 😮 How and who tf !! 😂 In THESE ends Grace: He's pimped my feed with his 📷 more that once. Lush! Grace: Trust her to find the one decent lad Grace: OMG how shaming! it's literally so on point I feel bad for how off they are. Beyond awkward Grace: 👯💜 Rio: Can't argue with that Rio: It'll be nice to see her happy Rio: All of yous Rio: Yeah, had noticed your new lad was off the feed Rio: Just not the one or do I need to crack skulls on YOUR behalf? Spill! 😘 Maybe Gus has had his 💔 Rio: Right? Not complaining when they were raking in the tips and looking fly doing it, this is why Vinnie listens to me and not them though so 💋 win win for me Grace: 🤞 Grace: UGH don't go there babe Grace: I'm off men rn 🙏 so you can relax Grace: Give Gus and Diego their time to shine 😂 Grace: OMG PLEASE say you can finally get me in sometime soon! 💋 Rio: Good girl 👍 Rio: Me too, more trouble than they're worth, and I'll always check what they're worth, feel me Rio: Love 'em 😂 I'd say they keep me sane but not with the shenanigans they still manage to get themselves into, nah lads Rio: You're old enough that I can vouch for you with him to get you in but Imma need to go out in Dubo with you first Rio: See how you handle your liquor, can't be risking the boss' license if you're gonna get #WGW 😏 Grace: I 100% swear down that D has a 💘 at his school but he's pulling a Jan over it so Grace: Yay! I'm buzzing Grace: Say when and I'll be on it Grace: The vibe looks EPIC in every insta it's 💕 Rio: Surely not! My babies! 😭 Rio: I've changed all ya nappies, it ain't right, I tell ya! 👵 Rio: Whenever you can pencil me in darling 💋 If you come back on the plane with me you'll only have to do the one back alone Rio: Unless you want to bring a mate but you've gotta vouch for them 'cos I don't know them enough to put my name on the line, they ain't my little sister 💛 Grace: 😂😂 I had to go full spa on him cos he was 🙎 and not vibing with the sheet masks he'd been stealing from me for WEEKS 😂😂 Grace: He's so 😍 for someone Grace: This is HAPPENING 👌 Mum'll say yes cos it's obvs for my mental health Grace: It's enough for collab our schedules tbh imagine trying to get the squad hooked up Rio: Aww! What a little sweetie! 😭 Giving me so much fodder to get 'em all with, yas gurl! 🙊 Rio: She defs knows the benefit of letting ya hair down and if she disagrees then she ain't our Muvva 👽 Rio: Same when I was your age, so many parties, so much time stretching ahead...ugh, hark at me Rio: Speaking of though, Pabs has managed to keep outta the drunk tanks since my last visit, yeah? 🙄 Chief Grace: I'd say go easy cos the acne is !! but where was mine was I was a 🍕 me and payback are bitches that have each other's backs like 😂 Grace: So welcome 💋 remember who treated you right hun 😚 Grace: Oh babe that's proper tragic 😂 Are you okay?! Grace: 🙄🙄 Grace: I'd lie to spare your feels but I can't even cos he is not forgiven! Fuck him truly Rio: Way harsh babe! Gotta share that knowledge and spot treatment 🙏 older sib duties ✌ you only gotta look out for them 3, feel MY pain when I wanna be a petty bitch please 😉😂 Rio: Clearly not, like...What tf am I like? 🙈 Rio: Still in the dog house then...I hope little miss tiny tits is too, seen her being snide on the 'gram Rio: we know she's no 😇 so as long as she's getting her share of the 💩 from you, I ain't judging on the Pabs score 👌 Grace: 😈 LMAO jks obvs I'm living for getting to flex like that Grace: Nobody else lets me near their face, their loss but still BOO Grace: Ugh yes cos he doesn't even see that he did me WRONG she was trying he's just an idiot and its like BOY NO Grace: Never learning them lessons Grace: 🚫 No worries there she's BEYOND cancelled 🚫 Grace: I hate that bitch Rio: That's why you gotta get them clients honey, just you wait, people will be BEGGIN' for your time and expertise 😘 Rio: Yeah, he's a fool in general though Rio: Not to say that ain't valid, 'cos 100% babe, but it wasn't personal, like Rio: Try to remember that 'cos he's not that boy, no matter what typa foolishness he's caught up in rn 😒 Rio: 👏 I like what I'm hearing, Gracie! So much growth! Rio: Here for it Grace: I feel you but also it's like idk it was personal to me cos she was my best friend and he knew that Grace: On some level idk Grace: Whatever I'm trying to be over it Grace: There's bigger 🐠 Rio: Fair Rio: Idk if he knows he knew...Mouthful Rio: Give him time and a chance, but that's it, sensible big sister said her piece on that, you're free to go on doing what you're doing 😜 Grace: Thanks 👑 Grace: Rio, I can forreal come to london right? Like you're not just shhing me Grace: I'm so done with this place atm Rio: Of course you can Rio: As long as the 'rents sign off on it, you can stay for as long as you like Rio: That's Dubo for ya...gets under your skin Rio: Anything else I can do, tho? Grace: 💜 Grace: Ugh it's just everything Grace: There's barely anything I can do Grace: Ignore me I'm a hormonal 👾 Rio: Have you had your B12 and folates checked? Billie and Edie were anaemic you should double-check 'cos that will have you feeling rough as Grace: 👼 You're adorbs Grace: Enough of my chatter anyway, how are you? Rio: 👀 okurr but we're coming back to this later Rio: 'cos I'm same old same old Rio: Nothing beyond the promised goss of London to report Rio: No boys, remember? Grace: 🙄🙄 Grace: Oh please you always have a boy Grace: Spill it Rio: 😨 Swear on my life, babe! Rio: Nothing and no one Grace: We're twinning then 💕 Grace: Do tell Janis 😂 Rio: Coming for ya brand Rio: Shameless 😏 like to think I could pass, not that old or having THAT crisis tho, jfc Grace: 👯💣🔥 Grace: You're flawless babe don't even stress Grace: when I'm your age I'll have to pray Rio: Aww, you doll, extra brownie points for boosting my ego 💋 Rio: What you chattin'?! We're all babes, lbr Grace: 😂 shhh avó be repping herself hard in me and no offence 👵 it's not goals 💔 lmao Grace: obrigado,... mas não, obrigado like she rocks it but she's also way old so Grace: the struggle is real 😂 Rio: You're mad gal Rio: don't be wasting your youth hating on what you'll miss Rio: though we all age like fine wine, avó paving the way 💣 Rio: Ma was onto something having us so young Grace: Don't let her hear you say that Grace: My ears are still ringing from her calling me out Rio: umm Rio: BISH YOU WHAT Grace: 🤷 No drama just Rio: You weren't on the pill? Or missed a day? Rio: We've all had the scare but I never got as far as needing to tell Mum Rio: You poor thing! 😨🙈 Grace: Well obvs that was my bad but she only made me die about a thousand times Grace: I survived Rio: Eeep! Rio: At least she didn't march you down the clinic in a shame cone like most would round here Grace: OMG like she made me go but my ootd was my own doing 🙏 Rio: Not so much as a high collar in sight 🙌 Rio: Explains your hormones though, babe, that shit will FUCK you up for ages Rio: so no worries there Grace: I know exactly what I'm in for Grace: Ugh Rio: Forreals Rio: Who'd be a fucking woman, eh? Grace: Mia. To fuck over the others Grace: kms Rio: 😂 Rio: Fueled by her PMS that one Grace: [Sends her 2 very similar selfies} which one do you vibe the most with? Rio: 1st one, s'more natural Rio: smile ALMOST reaches your eyes Grace: lmao Grace: Thanks babes Rio: if you gonna fake it 'til you make it Rio: gotta keep you the realest, ain't I? 😉 Grace: gotta keep me 😂 Rio: Wanna Rio: Blood ties aside 😘 Grace: 💜 Rio: Best get ready for work Rio: Could use you here to do my look for me, cba tonight 😐 blah Grace: I'd be living for that you know it but you'll be killing it with or without me, honey Grace: You got this gurl Rio: Cheers 🍸 Rio: I'll get the first round in when I see ya boo 💋 Grace: Yay! So excited 😚

[gorsime]

ill delete this soon

bad cop hogwarts au

@pouncival

points to cover: houses, prefect stuff, meetings, classes, Naughty Stuff, other cats, pets, life after hogwarts, quidditch >:((, HYDRATION, teachers, uhhhhh and anything else i can think of

HOUSES: rumples a gryffindor. the sorting hat took about three seconds. alonzos a hufflepuff even tho his family have always been ravenclaws and he desperately wanted to be a gryffindor, he cried after the sorting ceremony also: jenny is huffpuff head, skimble is p much hagrid, jelly is raven, gus is gryffdor and grizabella is slytherin,,, headmaster deuteronomy lmao

PREFECT STUFF: alonzos a prefect. Obviously, i mean come on. he takes it so seriously,,, hes already dating rumple when he becomes one and she delights in the fact that he can sometimes b persuaded to let her go with a warning bc yo thats what u get for fucking a prefect,,, once she wanted to get in ravenclaw tower and she didnt know the answer to the riddle so she was like "LONZYYY I HAVE A RIDDLE THAT I NEED TO FIND THE ANSWER TO FOR HOMEWORRKKKKK" and hes a library fiend so he spent like an hour looking it up and then he told her and she was like "ok thanks im going off 2 ravenclaw tower now" and he was so distraught he took ten points from hufflepuff for helping her. the other prefects Donut Understand their relationship ghdkhgd bc mungo and rumple r worse than fred and george but eventually it gets to the point where they catch her doin some rulebreaking and shes like... do u seriously feel like dealing with me so they just go get alonzo. she gets drunk on firewhisky one time and he takes her back up to gryffindor tower and spends ten minutes trying to get the fat lady to let her in but the fat lady is annoyed and refusing and it goes like "rumple tell her the password" "nooOooOoOooOo" "do you know the password" ">:3c" "rumple teLL HER THE PASSWORD" for another half hour and eventually gives up and decides to wait for the next gryffindors to come along and let her in but the next one to come along is mungo and then its twice as bad when alonzo becomes head boy (munk is the year above them) he cries, and rumple opens her letter like I GOT HEAD GIRL??!!!!????? and hes like. What. and shes like hehehehehe just kidding who the fuck do u think i am,, also. prefects bathroom. he ends up letting her find out the password and then shes constantly in there and then Somehow (i wonder how) mungo finds out and then they have to change it before the whole school knows,,, oh my god the other prefects tease him so much and at first hes like eh..heh...yeah but after a while hes like fuck off please, stop shittalking my girlfriend to me, and he gets a wee bit defensive about it so they give up especially in their final year when hes head boyyyy

QUIDDITCH: OKAY so alonzo wanted to play quidditch as a seeker bc ofc he did right?? i mean theres so many rules. such nice uniforms. but he never made the tryouts bc he wasnt willing to take the risks needed to get the golden thingy (also, vitiligo, hes got autoimmune shit and he has 2 b careful w his health),,, rumple however. rumples grown up loving the harpies and desperately wanting to be a beater. then she meets mungo and the two of them are fucking terrifying beaters, they are So Good, its honestly the only reason why gryffindor hasnt lost the house cup every fucking year, them helping win p much every game kind of balances out all the points they lose for being shits lmao,,, we had a thought that she gets hurt sometime in a game, and alonzo is. so terribly smothering he brings in all his books to study by her bed in the hospital wing and takes notes for her and is way too cautious after that and begs her to stop playing and she just. Looks at him. :| anyway she does eventually become quidditch captain nyehehe and so shes captain, hes head boy, they are a glorious power couple,,, the nerds love alonzo, the delinquents and sportheads love rumple, together they are So Respected,, it also means she gets actual access to the prefects bathroom which changes very little except for how sneaky she has to be to get in

MEETINGS: okay so in true hogwarts au fashion they first meet on the train as first years,,, rumple: hi can i sit here (she says as shes sat down) are u muggleborn im a halfblood alonzo: im from an old wzarding family my name is draco malfuck you rumple: wow u sound like an asshole. what house r u gonna be in. im gryffindor alonzo: me too rumple: u dont seem like one alonzo: you do :// rude fuck. this is my owl her name is aegolius im pretentious rumple: cool name. this is my cat her name is gwynog GO HARPIES alonzo: ive never had physical contact with a living thing in my life can i pet her rumple: sure alonzo: soft anyway after they get sorted they never talk again. End Of Au. jks but forreal they dont talk for years until they get their electives and theyre partnered in care of magical creatures and finally talk again and it goes like rumple: hey youre that kid who cried at the sorting ceremony alonzo: rumple: sup somehow the whole Falling In Love part is the one bit we havent really talked about but it happens and its cute

id also like to add that alonzos parents are an old italian wizarding family but they pride themselves on being chic, modern wizards who incorporate certain muggle things, mostly fashion, his mums a fashion designer, so all his clothes are beautiful and tailored and more Modern than most,, ANYWAY they also Want The Best for him and when he tells them who hes dating (A HALFBLOOD RAISED AMONG MUGGLES??? A GIRL BEATER???? LOOK AT HER SCHOOL RECORDS DARLING SHES A DELINQUENT!!!!!!) and they refuse to let him stay at her house or let her come over,,, until he writes home one day like. shes captain of the quidditch team what more do u want shes going to do it professionally) and theyre Sporty Folks who are So Fucking Into Quidditch and by this point theyve realised that she's not turning him into a Bad Kid so they finally accept her

CLASSES: ive forgotten like all of their classes kmn anyway alonzo wants to be an auror. thats all he wants. thats his ambition. so he studies his ass off from day one and gets perfect grades and is a model student. rumple is. perhaps not. just think fred and george thats her and mungo, shes a terror but somehow she still manages to pass everything through an annoying natural talent. alonzos kind of hellbent on making her get good grades and they spend much of their time in the library, hes in there Every Day, he pretty much has a reserved table, rumple sits around practicing jinxes on any unfortunate passerbys and trying to pester him and/or make him kiss her he loves presentations, hes so good at them, he prepares for weeks and then the entire time rumples in the back of class making Naughty Gestures. he chokes on his water when she does presentations theyre short but shes really charismatic so he just kind of sits there staring at her like an idiot because gosh she has a nice voice rumples a pro at brooms obviously, alonzos Hella Nervous on them, he has the best and safest model, she offers to give him private lessons but really its just an opportunity for dick jokes what can u do. he gets her a really good really SAFE and fast broom for christmas one year bc what else does a rich boy get his girlfriend who kicks ass at quidditch which brings me to

NAUGHTY STUFF: kittens look away! look for like. a full three months hes like Im Not Having Sex At School Its Against the rRULES!!!!!! and rumples like. well then we either abstain until we graduate or we can do it at your parents place and. No. The Horror. he changes his mind very quickly. they happen to stumble across the room of requirement a few times when.uh. the need is great. u know how it goes. im also gonna go out on a limb and admit that alonzo is rather fond of the Luxury Baths in the prefects bathroom and rumple is very good at catching him when hes in there and enchanting the door or some shit so nobody disturbs them :-)) this is from one of those hogwarts au headcanon posts but i love it, he gives a presentation on sex ed and shit (lets pretend hogwarts is better than it is) and rumple sits in the back asking the worst questions and inside he wants to scream u KNOW what that is we did it last nIGHT

other cats: yes ok here we go. in their year is misto, victoria, admetus, mungo, coricopat, tantomile and im sure im missing people here, year above them  is munk, tugger, deme, bomba, cassandra, macavity (???!!!???) and everyone else is younger by a year or two, also worth mentioning is etcetera being rumples younger sister and theyre adorable and lovely etcetera for president of the world munk and cass or deme are probably head boy and girl of their year,  cass is dating tantomile, bombas dating demeter, alonzo has the biggest crush on munk as well (optional polyamory for u fucks) (worth saying that the reason rumple went to sneak into ravenclaw tower was to see victoria btw),,, alonzo and victoria are head boy and girl of their year, and probably jemima andddddddd idk maybe g eorge fuck me man idk admetus is another prefect, so's tantomile tbh,,, id say victoria but she wants to focus on her studies

PETS: alonzo has this beautiful eagle owl, scariest of all owls, her name is aegoleius (pronounced ay-JEE-lee-us) it means bird of prey and he adores her. shes beautifully trained. rumple has a kitty that im personally in love with who is basically rumpleteazer as a cat lol shes a calico but her name is gwenog after the famous beater of the harpies <33333 eventually they'll get another cat thatll be a suspiciously familiar black and white patched triangle shorthair named Faolan (sorta like FWAY-larn) even tho it means little wolf because he thought it sounded cool and he read it in a book and thought it was pronouned faow-lahn, honestly they probably end up getting a whole ton of cats

LIFE AFTER HOGWARTS: WOO im excited for this bit. okay. so. alonzo wants to be an auror. hes spent his whole life training for this. he immediately applies after graduation and gets in and starts his rigorous three year training process. in the meantime rumples gone into professional quidditch, and shes really really good at it but shes like.... this isnt fun anymore. bc its not just a school game anymore, its a professional sport, and what do u mean u cant jinx the opponents!!!! so for a while she just helps him train "ok so if you walk like THIS and use this charm your footsteps will be totally silent blah blah boh my god i should be an auror" and hes like. You. want to be an auror. and shes like. Yup. and its a damn good thing he was so obsessive about her getting good marks bc her newts are good enough that she can apply. they do a criminal record check, but mind u that altho rumples done naughty stuff, shes never actually. Been Caught doing anything particularly bad. so her record is somehoW CLEAN and she gets in. its a miracle. "what did you do. who did you blackmail" "i sucked every single aurors dick lonzy" "HOW DID YOU GET IN" "EVERY! SINGLE! DICK!" but hes also really really prouD AND THAT MEANS THEY CAN HELP EACH OTHER TRAIN!!!!! cue training montage. rumple pulls a tonks and coasts thru a lot of it rlly easily and almost fails some but they both eventually graduate and become aurors and work together and she covers her trenchcoat in patches and he keeps asking if he has to wear his because sweet jesus it is ugly ITS BROWN, and at this point his parents r more than content with rumple lmao, anyway they live together in a lovely little house that is kept in perfect order, rumple enchants EVERYTHING to talk, its cute, fucking domestic shit yes please

HYDRATION LOL look this isnt even important but alonzo is so deeply into that health shit. he only eats dark chocolate, and most importantly he fucking loves spending time in the kitchen with jenny. she cooks, he makes custom face masks, and also infused water. so much infused water. he has different """recipes""" and he always has a bottle of lovely chilled water with fucking apple and ginger and lemongrass shit in it that he made the night before, and since rumple fucking hates drinking anything thats not tropical sunshine punch fruit juice he constantly is trying to figure out a recipe of infused water that she'll drink becUSE ITS NOT HEALTHY RUMPLE!!!!!!!! YOU NEED WATER, but she thinks its disgusting and eventually he gives up and carries a bottle of juice with him in case he sees her because its better than nothing,

yeah ok im,,,,, i assume there will be more to come but for now this is what u get