#Anyways he can sing now so u should probably check out his singing streams

[ksksksrahrah]

[uwumessenger]

random headcanons i have for each om! character teehee

hi it's been a while since ive posted some hcs bc uni has been kicking my a$$! luckily i only have a few papers to tidy up and im done. here r some hcs for each obey me character that ive accumulated over the past few months wink wonk

most are random but some constants you'll find are what i think they smell like, languages they can speak (other than their native (demon/angel) and eng/jp), and music tastes !

lucifer

i have a strong feeling that he showers twice a day: in the morning after waking up and at night before going to bed

his cologne is probably the type that will last in an elevator for like a week after he uses it once. i dont think this mf ever smells like anything other than his cologne

has a secret folder on his phone of semi-nudes and other scandalous pics from when he felt sexy at the time omg

aside from demon language/eng/jp he can speak french and knows latin

listens to classical stuff yea but he also listens to diavolos mixtapes (re: diavolo's section)

not a fan of sweets but will eat sweet things when craving

really bland sense of humor...borderline cringey 😭✋🏻

mammon

has gone to google images and searched for "inspirational quotes tumblr" "gold aesthetic tumblr" & "relatable crush post tumblr" then reposts it onto his socials or just taps thru them and giggles bc he relates

his cologne doesnt last as long as lucifers and probably smells common. he has to reapply a lot but it's a people pleasing smell. it's cheaper hence the constant reapplying

he probably does have an expensive bottle but is the type to totally overspray...eek

he is canonically a car guy 🥲 and probably tells the one in his room good morning & good night + kisses the hood every once in a while. has tons of car magazines

he doesnt really speak other languages but has attempted to learn spanish before

listens to whatever is on the radio. doesnt rly stan anyone but he eventually will listen to mc's playlist and mc's playlist ONLY

levi

lurks on mc's socials ALL THE TIMEEEE like he will rewatch ur stories and scroll thru ur feed and overanalyze ur tweets/rts or blog posts. if ur mc isnt the type to use sns much he still googles ur name all the damn time just to find any sites u might be on fjdjdjdjskks

probably streams on whatever youtube or twitch devildom site equivalent there is, but only has like 40 or so followers. which he is okay with!

until he sees someone else who gets more attention than him. then the envy starts kicking in bad. especially if they suck 🧍🏻‍♀️

classic gamer boy smell. you know, sweat, tears, must, and (sometimes) axe deodorant. lucifer has to do a scent check before he goes out to any event & lets him use his cologne. how sweet!

kpop stan!! more girl groups than anything and his ults are probably GIRLS GENERATION, wonder girls, twice, loona, & red velvet

cried when ioi disbanded and refused to leave his room. the only thing u could hear was downpour on loop at full blast

can also speak korean & communicate in echolocation like dolphins 😏

satan

listens to country music you cant change my mind

smells like whatever environment he is in. he doesnt really have a designated smell just throws some deodorant on and goes about his day.

he's sooooo bad at driving...gets road rage way too often so his license has been REVOKED

but hes totally a backseat driver. needs to be sedated on long trips

do not let him watch finding nemo when luke asks to watch it. it's not worth it. he will cause mass destruction.

if he was a human or lived long term in the human world he totally has the ability to be a doctor

is studying as many languages as possible, but he mostly knows latin & french & german etc etc. wants to learn all the dead languages out of curiousity

asmo

dont think this mf has ever held down a relationship. ever

he doesnt compromise much & is not willing to change his lifestyle to fit an s/o into it. you keep up with how he lives or it just isnt meant to be (but dont worry! he'll eventually learn...maybe,,,,)

has the hardest time out of everyone when it comes to breaking bad habits

his smell varies bc he uses a variety of perfumes (whatever is the most popular at the time) but he probably sticks to floral and fresh scents. he never uses generic people pleaser scents like mammon

listens to electropop, mainstream pop, & some alternative rock

as for languages he too knows french, spanish, italian, etc. in general, if it's a romance language he knows it!

opposite of lucifer in the sense where he loves sweets and will refrain from eating too many bitter things

i think we all know that asmo is the biggest rockstar of the group! he's probably been in a boy band at least once, but now he makes his own music

has tried to teach mammon how to sing once. ended up in a broken piano and bleeding ears...

beel

i feel like he is SO SHY

like unless ur close to him he will not start conversations or anything

i think he listens to r&b a lot ! and jazz 😎 maybe rock as well

smells like ur typical athlete with undertones of wet wipes. he carries them around bc he likes to clean his hands before he eats & is prepared for when theres no sink nearby

he can drive and he drives really well. no rough turns, parallel parks perfectly, and never has problems with merging

driving with beel is probably really soothing. left hand is steering the other is gripping ur thigh 😫

dont think hes really fluent in any other language but hes probably semi fluent in korean because levi wanted beel to help him out

definitely know how to order food in practically every language tho HAHAHA

belphie

he reminds me of randall from monsters inc

smells kinda musty IM SORRY but not the way levi does hes more like the kind of musty u feel or smell when it's a shitty morning

but that's only because hes so lazy, when he cleans up hes like satan

has definitely murdered multiple people before. mc is not the first 😐✋🏻

with that being said belphie has been put into prison at least twice when visiting the human world, the mf had such a strong hatred for humans theres no way he never got into trouble before

lucifer probably broke him out and they used the pen thingies from men in black to erase everyones memory of that 🙄

dont think he listens to anything other than music that'll put him to sleep. really likes lazy song by bruno mars but thinks that bruno mars put too much effort into the song. should have been one acapella verse and then finish

similar to beel hes only semi fluent in one language, probably french bc of lucifer. doesnt remember much but knows a couple of lullabies and bedtime stories

the sandman used to be his bff until they drifted. they do, however, like and comment on each other's sns posts.

diavolo

once he found out who nicki minaj was he became her #1 stan

def an ariana grande stan too 😌

choreographs dances when hes stressed...idk just seems like a diavolo thing to do

also makes rly bad soundcloud rap music sometimes. turns to poetry when hes feeling emo but only lucifer knows this. barbatos is suspicious of him but doesnt have enough evidence to confirm.

his dad is like hudson abadeer from adventure time aka marceline's dad? something must have influenced him to want to unite the 3 realms + he would need the approval to do so, so his dad must be more chill than all the others before him 🧍🏻‍♀️ IDK ok anyway

currently going through his hamilton phase bc of mc. whether mc's intent was to get him hooked onto it or just to explain it bc of something he saw online, he tells everyone that he found out abt it bc of mc!

this man cannot drive his skills are only second to jumin han

not too fond of many languages but knows the widely spoken ones like spanish, mandarin, etc. if it's taught in high school he knows it

smells like a las vegas casino. not sure why but i feel like he does. but there's also an interesting & nice smell to him if he embraces you. it's a smell you cant quite identify. but it smells nostalgic, it's mysterious, and it's tempting.

barbatos

very calm demeanor but underneath hes WILD hes probably done everything at least once oof

he just has a lot of control and stability over himself (must be nice!)

on a more angsty note i feel like he might have had his heartbroken sO BAD IDK he is hurting and maybe that's why hes so willing to obey diavolo and not abuse his time lord power thingies bc he learned his lesson the hard way

mans is so smart he knows every language you could switch languages mid conversation with him and he wouldnt be thrown off. he'd probably start speaking it too.

BUT HE SPEAKS VIET P E R F E C T L Y

listens to the same stuff as lucifer but also likes eminem. likes the movie 8 mile but criticized it heavily

have you ever been to a chinese herb shop? naturally, he smells like that. his room probably smells like it too. he doesnt really have a significant smell like some of the others

when he bakes he smells like whatever hes baking tho

one of the few out of everyone listed to have been able to travel to literally everywhere

solomon

was probably on kitchen nightmares once, but only to get feedback from chef gordon ramsay. then he used his magic to prevent the episode from airing...

was in an orchestra, one of the best times of his life. played the violin. asmo watched him in the audience once, but didnt approach him until well after that performance.

he CANNOT sing. he can, however, rap.

doesnt listen to music. he listens to podcasts! but every now and then he turns on background music, but prefers it to be instrumental stuff

never wears sunglasses. also does not have a driver's license. cannot drive a regular car. could maybe fly an airplane.

due to his immortality he has learned almost every language to exist, but finds himself speaking mandarin the most. knows most dialects too

similar smell to barbatos but u can also smell some sunscreen on him too. like, generic beach day suncreen

he has a lot of pact marks, so he once had the idea to match foundation to his skin. it took him two weeks but he eventually perfected a combination. yes he will help u find ur perfect shade if u ask him to

simeon

another country music man. has also made a tiktok or two to that one song that goes "he cant even bait a hook." they are private tho

angel country music exists and simeon invented it

if he visits the human world and wears more causal clothing he probably tucks his shirt into his pants

wears a speedo at the beach i tell u, speedo at the beach

he can speak german...i can feel it

uses his pointer finger to type and holds the phone like 2 inches away from his face so sometimes his nose will push a key hence all his typos

has no signature smell. he simply smells like your favorite scent all the time. if multiple people are around him at once, everyone smells a different smell. it's pretty rad

"what does he smell like to himself?" u may be asking. hmm...a church? 💀

luke

his first pet was a goldfish and a few months before the exchange program happened, he was given a koi pond!

secretly likes hanging out with levi sometimes just to play with henry. makes him miss his pet fish back home

so his favorite movie is probably finding nemo and he threw a fit when nemo touched the butt

luke is probably learning german bc of simeon, though he'd like to learn more of the dead languages just for fun

i dont think he listens to music often or has any preferences, he just listens to whatever is playing on the radio

but he finds himself listening to the music mc listens to

smells like freshly baked goods all the time. or fresh laundry. but like, not combined. just depends on the day

[vickyskpopkingdom]

Baekhyun :: working blues

request: Hii! Im rlly into baekhyun's new album rn and i was hoping u could write a fluff where ur just having a rough day and he sings u to sleep pls!! Rlly like ur fluff writes btw 💕💕

thank you so much for your kind words! i haven't written about exo in a long, long time but i hope that you still like what i came up with!

warnings: overworking, stress

1.8k words, gn reader

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes you felt like the world was collapsing on you. The weight on your shoulders got too heavy at times and you were just tired. So tired, so tired. Today was one of those days.

The work you had to do didn't seem to end. At this point you couldn't even count how many e-mails you had answered, how many texts you have read, how many calls you made and how many words you have written. Your eyes were so tired they started to water at the sight of the bright screen of your laptop in front of you. When had it become so dark around you? Hasn't it been noon just a few minutes ago?

A quick glance through your bedroom window and towards the clock on your wall told you something different. It was already eight p.m., the streetlamp outside your window was the only source of light right now other than your laptop. With a sigh you leaned back into your chair and tried stretching your arms as well as your neck and legs. Every joint in your body seemed to make a protesting cracking noise and as you tried to massage your neck, your muscles burned with protest.

You sighed again. Maybe you really should invest in one of those fancy office chairs that claimed to be a blessing for your whole body. At the thought of the price however you shook that thought out of your head.

Standing up you got through another round of stretching your whole body and decided to check out the kitchen for food. It only hit you as the dim light of the fridge illuminated your face that you were supposed to go grocery shopping today. Empty shelves greeted you back and your stomach grumbled angrily.

You tried hard not to scream out of frustation. Nothing wanted to work your way these days and you were honestly so tired of it. For some time you were able to tell yourself that everything would work out and that you would find your working blues again but that was yet to happen. Quietly you closed the fridge door again, sliding down against it to the floor.

The project you had been assigned at the start of last week was way more complicated than you had anticipated, the sources you were thinking of using turned out to be a scam. Adding to that the promotion you had been so sure of getting had been given to someone else and while you could understand that they deserved it, you were sure that you would have deserved it as well. Not only was your fridge emtpty but you had been neglecting your healthy eating habits for quite some time now, which only frustated you more.

And today all of these things seemed to add up all at once, crushing you under their weight.

When was the last time you really had a good nights sleep? You had worked late and gotten up early, eating only bits and pieces of instant food, sitting at your desk all day and falling into bed only to repeat the same cycle over and over again. Right now you were fighting to keep the tears at bay but the merry-go-round in your head kept spinning, piling up more and more worries.

When was the last time you had seen your friends? When was the last time you even properly talked to them? You were always telling them that you were busy with work when they asked to hang out. They never pressured you to still come with them but you knew that they would love to see you again even for a few hours. Yet you still could not get yourself to take their invitations, the thought of your unfinished project sitting in the back of your head constantly.

When was the last time your boyfriend--?

Just as the tears started flowing down your face the doorbell rang. Its sound surprised you so much that you jumped up, your heart beating fast. The clock in your kitchen read nine p.m. One hour went by while you were staring holes in the walls and drowned in your thoughts.

You couldn't really think of a reason why someone would visit you this late, on a weekday nonetheless. But not answering the door wasn't an option either, you would just start to worry about 'what-ifs'. So you decided to take a peak through the peephole in your door.

Your heart picked up its pace at you saw a familiar face illuminated by the light of a smartphone-screen, lookin worried and confused. Fumbling with your keys you opened the door and the person looked up from their phone.

"Hey Bambi, are you okay?"

Baekhyuns voice filled your ears as soon as he looked into your face. He eyed you up and down, making sure you were alright. "I texted and tried to call you for at least two hours now. There was no reaction from you whatsoever."

As you allowed him to step into your home, you sighed. "Sorry, I threw my phone across the room at one point and didn't pick it up again."

Your boyfriend chuckled as he got rid of his shoes and coat, placing both neatly onto their usual spots in the entrance of your flat. Just the sight of him, doing everyday things, smiling, talking was an instant boost for your mood. Now that he was here you fully realized just how much you had missed his presence.

"Why would you throw your phone?", Baekhyun questioned.

You made a dismissive move with your hand, not wanting to talk about the infuriating call you had to make a few hours ago. "I was frustrated", you only said.

Together you and Baekhyun made your way towards your bedroom. Just as you stepped into the room and turned on the lights you remembered the state you left your working place in. But it was too late to make him turn around now. Quickly you tried to tidy up the place a little bit, hiding the traces of your overworking as Baekhyun cleared his throat to gain your attention.

"Are you drowning yourself in work again?"

You stopped dead in your tracks. This wasn't the first time he had seen you piling up work on your shoulders and ending up being unable to do anything else. Back then you had promised him to take better care of yourself or at least take real breaks once in a while to catch a breath.

"Maybe...."

Now it was Baekhyuns turn to sigh. "Did you eat today? And before you answer i mean 'eat a proper meal'."

Picking up your phone from the floor you sat yourself down on the bed. "No, not really. It's just this project..."

Baekhyun shook his head at you, but you still noticed the small smile on his face. "You are such a hard-working person. But you need to allow yourself some time to breathe, you know?"

His voice was calm, sounding like music to your ears. Even after all this time you had been in a relationship with him you were still surprised by how easily he could make you relax.

"Yes, I know."

"And since I am such a caring and awesome boyfriend", he said, rustling with a plastic bag you only now noticed in his hands, "I brought you some food."

As you looked into his smiling face you couldn't help but ask yourself how you got so lucky.

The meal was good, it was your favorite and having Baekhyun by your side made you feel even more grounded. It almost felt like you gained new energy after a week of complete exhaustion and constant worrying. While you were eating the both of you talked about everything and nothing, catching up, telling stories and sharing your newest netflix suggestions.

The evening proceeded and your eyes landed on the clock again. It was late, if you were still caught up in your workaholic-lifestyle you would have already been asleep right now. However surprisingly you currently were not even close to worrying about getting up the next morning. What bothered you most right now was that this evening would end and eventually you would have to go to sleep an wake up in the morning, getting back to your work.

Baekhyun seemed to notice the frown on your face sooner than you could hide it again. "What's wrong?"

You shrugged. "This is nice, simply being together with you. But you probably have to leave soon and then tomorrow I have to work on this stupid project again."

"I can stay the night, if you want me to of course."

"I didn't want to pressure you into--"

"You didn't", he interrupted you, before you could end the sentence and feel like you made him stay against his will, "I actually wanted to ask if I could stay anyways. Tomorrow is one of my free days. I could even keep you company while you work."

Your chest felt warm at his words. "I would love that."

Soon you two found yourselves back in your bed, bodies entangled with each other, quiet breaths sounding through the room. You could feel your eyelids growing heavy, but as soon as you closed your eyes all you could think of was the next morning, the project, the unanswered emails, the calls.

"Still can't calm down, Bambi?", Baekhyun whispered in your ear, while slowly stroking your hair.

With closed eyes you shook your head. "I can't take my mind off of work."

The next thing you heard was quiet humming coming from Baekhyun. You could feel the vibration of his vocal chords against your own body. His voice really was a blessing for everyones ears, he could carry emotions through singing that you weren't even able to put into words. His songs made you happy, they made you cry occasionally, they made you feel calm or made you miss something you didn't even knew existed. It was a gift.

His humming transformed into words, calmly sang into the otherwise dark and quiet room.

It's a night filled with a single stream of light

You're my timely rain, Bambi

I don't want to waste even a second of this night just

being the two of us

As you listened to his singing, you could finally feel your muscles relaxing, your brain calming down and your whole body drifting towards sleep. There were no worrysome thoughts turning your mind upside down anymore, there was only Baekhyun and his voice filling your head with images of your favorite places, your favorite memories and him. The warmth of his body under the blankets made you feel safe, at home. This was were you belonged.

And while Baekhyun continued with the song you fell into a deep sleep, one that you deserved after all the work you had done. You already knew that you found your blues again. Everything would work out again, just like you had always thought yourself. And all you had needed was just a small push in the right direction from the right person.

I don't want to wake up from this dream, keep this tempo

I hope the sun doesn't rise while I keep my eyes closed

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I really hope you enjoyed this one! It was nice to write something again but I do feel like i am a little bit out of training i guess haha

and also if you feel like the reader in this scenario, please remember that there will be better days & that life is more than working day to day! take a break, make some tea, get some fresh air and get back to your work with a fresh mind; you can do it!!

[spaceysp]

Saying random stuff to feed into the hyperfixations; pick one of these statements to rant about because I wanna read :)) if u want,

How skeppy must feel with everyone meeting up cause BaD JUST COME ON ,

Opinions on bad planning to take skeppy to dinner and all that jazz ,

Skeppys newest video on the skep channel where bad and skeppy are surprisingly sweet to eachother (and how lately in general bad has been less angee with him) ,

Literally the whole discount skeppy situation , bad being literally in love,

Ride with U,,,,,hetero,,,,explanation,,,, anywhere?

ANONNNNN I OWE YOU MY LIFE ILY 

im literally going to talk about all of these so im sorry but read more at your own risk

one: skeppy, i am so sorry a mf does this to you. but seriously, i can only think of a few reasons (that dont sound entirely made for fanfic) that bad keeps putting off meeting skeppy 

1. (the most unlikely) theyve already met and they keep the bit going so the fans dont find out. i can get that they wouldnt want to tell at first because its their own business, but i seriously doubt they would wait very long to confirm it, because ppl honestly can put a lot of pressure and hype on the meetup (esp with skeppy’s “surprise”) so i think theyd release something just so everyone knew that it finally happened! they didnt lie!

2. bad just doesnt want to meet skeppy (actually nvm this is the most unlikely) 

bad seems to be genuinely excited to meet skeppy, even claiming skeppys the one to keep putting it off, not him (which skeppy immediately disproved but) and saying over and over he wants to meet up with him, but always avoiding actually making plans (every single tweet about the meetup) so its clear he does want to meet skeppy eventually, which makes trying to figure out why he wont even harder

3. its not the right time/ waiting for a specific date

leading up to this, i was thinking that there was a pretty good chance theyd meet up on their anniversary, but that never happened rip. the issue is with this is that they guaranteed they would meet up before the end of the year, and at this point theres only one “event” left, but they still dont seem to have any plans to meet. if bad was waiting for the perfect time to do it, why not just tell skeppy to confirm a meetup date? it would get him (and maybe the fans, if they told them) off his back. another variant of this is that there is a set date, but they havent told the public, but again, skeppy seems to be just as much in the dark about this as everyone else

4. health issues 

bads apparently been feeling pretty under the weather lately, with his arm and kidney stones, its very plausible (and reccomended, imo) that bad doesnt want to travel when hes having these problems. of course, skeppy could visit, but he could either not want to spend their time together sick or the plans they have could also be too straining. i think this is probably one of the most likely atm, go see a doctor bbh im begging you

5. bads nervous

this is also one of the more plausible to me. for whatever reason, bads just anxious about it, whether it wont be the same as talking online, or be super awkward or whatever, he could just keep putting it off for that (its still weird and kinda doesnt make sense but in a more realistic way this time)

i know i totally went off track but this brings me to my point, skeppys kinda just waiting for bads confirmation at this point, so seeing his friends have fun meeting up is probably just lowkey depressing and i could see him using it as more the reason they should meet up. really the only thing he can do in this situation(at least, as far as i can tell) is what he has been doing, annoy bad about it or he take advantage of bads jealousy and meet up with someone else. the other option is to randomly come to his house, but it doesnt seem like skeppy is gonna do that, maybe to respect his boundaries? if he was planning on it i think he wouldve done it by now

OKAY NUMBER TWO LETS GO

this kinda ties into my point in the “reasons why bad wont meet skeppy” thing, that bad seems really excited to meet him yet still wont?? its clear he really values any time spent with skeppy, but he also make sure skeppys having a good time too! that why he never does any actual work with skeppy around (i.e. building statues or gathering materials for such), he knows its boring so instead theyll wander around the server telling stupid stories or punching each other off stairs for 20 minutes. im sure itll be the same irl, he mentioned wanting to meet somewhere like a nature reserve or amusement park, probably to make sure theres never a dull moment or time wasted. dinner seems much more low-key, and i wouldnt be surprised if bad just wanted to have an excuse to try and impress him with a nice totally-platonic date

NUMbeR tHree *airhorns* 

they really do be the best of friends! ive noticed that skeppys def been trying to halt arguments fairly quickly now, saying a lot to appease bad and move on, and while bad seems to like to start fights for fun, hes also been a lot more chill lately, im guessing because hes been oh-so desperately missing skeppy and big s was also in Baby mode (aka if bad disagreed with him hed probably just cry until he got his way((sand))) i think that vid just showed them being a lot more natural and happy to talk (plus bad usually is more argumentative when theyre competing, while in that vid they were either just hanging out or working towards a common goal) 

n u m b e r f o u r 

where to even BEGIN with discount skeppy. well, bad actually first came up this idea a few months ago, in either july or august on an idots smp stream when he crafted an ‘artificial skeppy’ in his snack shack that he could talk to whenever skeppy was gone. as we all know idots smp is now rip, but the idea of replacement skeppys remained, just this time they can talk and also ship skephalo. it actually seemed like more of puffys idea at first when she put on skeppys skin as a joke, which bad didnt like the first few times, but when she brought it up again he actually requested it (missing skeppy brainrot 🤔?) this could be either cuz bad wanted to bait some shippers so gave in or he thought it was a pretty funny bit so went along with it (or he actually missed skeppy that much.. surely not ??) either way i think we can agree puffy is not only a comedic genius but a top tier friend and slight wingman, and getting some good jealous skeppy content out of it is also top tier. in conclusion, love and appreciate discount skeppy, badboyhalo has only skeppy on his brain and his friends have to deal with that, hoes (skeppy) mad even though the whole bit is how much bbh is into him

NUMBER FIVE im really doing all of them

What, can be said, about ride with u. GODDAMN. im not tryna insinuate anything, but if someone told me that song reminded them of me i would have no choice but to marry them immediately. i really really want someone to ask bad what songs remind him of any of his other friends (dream, sapnap, george, ant, puffy, etc.) because there are three options

1. theyre just cool platonic friend songs and bad is just in love with skeppy

2. he cant think of any songs for them and bad is just In Love with skeppy

3. they have equal romantic undertones and bad is just Like That with his friends (even so i bet people would be picking out the most minute differences between the songs that make one more.. You Know than the other) 

i know FOR SURe that if i was in bads position (where even the person who made the lyric video assumed they were gay in love) i wouldve curled into a ball and never made another public appearance again, but he really owned that shit, singing it and making unprompted references to it (”i already have a bonnie” YOU AINT SLICK SIR WTF) 

i just wanna know if skeppys listened to it (i mean, hes surely at least heard of it, i know he wouldve seen it all over his timeline) and what he thonks about it. pls tell us big s do you also feel the love in this chilis tonight (ALSO when is someone gonna ask skeppy what song reminds him of bad. im waiting ((hed probably say something like a faster remix or something equally memey (((unless???)))

ANYWAY SORRY FOR MAKING YOU READ ALL OF THAT HOLY SHIT i dont wanna reread this to check for errors so it might be incoherent but again ty for letting me infodump about this it was super fun im in love with you anon

[wendyhamlet]

The Morning After

So this is the first part to a modern FMA au, I honestly just have some disjointed ideas that I want to write down and it may or may not end up a semi coherent fic lol Anyway! Here’s the first part, enjoy, I hope to get it posted on Archive of Our Own once I get an account there so stay tuned!

Warning: this fic will be rated M for safety as there will likely be talk of violence, adult themes, language, and possibly some smut

Pounding, throbbing, aching pain. That was the first thing that came to Edward Elric as he woke up.

As far as hangovers go, it was definitely one of the worst he’d had in a while. Usually after a night of drinking he would wake up with a headache, that awful stale taste in his mouth, and at least some disjointed memories of the events leading up to passing out.

This time however, he felt like the room was spinning, everything hurt, and he had literally no idea what had happened in the past twelve hours.

With a groan, he rolled over in bed, his body going rigid as his arm brushed something beside him.

Something warm, soft. And breathing.

Sitting up with a jolt, he forced his eyes open, wincing against the early morning sunlight streaming through the window. Blinking through the blur in his vision, he struggled to focus on the person lying in the bed beside him.

Blonde hair, pale skin, face turned away from him.

Oh. Oh...fuck.

Launching himself out of the bed as if it was made of wasps, he bolted for the bathroom, immediately crashing to the ground and letting out a hissed curse under his breath. Groping around on the floor for his prosthetic as he crawled toward the bathroom, snatching his jeans as he went.

Easing the door shut and locking it, he made his way over to the tub and hoisted himself onto the edge of it, digging around in his jean pockets for his phone. Once he found it, he hit the first number on his speed dial and held it to his ear with his shoulder, using his now free hands to attach his prosthetic to his left thigh.

“Edward? It’s like five AM.”

“Al! Al shut up and listen! I have a girl in my bed, a girl, Al!”

There was a stretch of silence, then his younger brother let out a sigh. “Okay, is she still breathing?”

“What? Of course she’s still breathing!”

“Well then what’s the problem? Honestly this isn’t the first time you’ve drank too much and hooked up, I really don’t think it was worth waking me u-”

“It’s Winry.”

A long silence.

“Oh.”

“Yeah! ‘Oh’, now what the fuck do I do?”

Suddenly the other line was full of laughter.

“Alphonse!!”

“Ling owes me fifty bucks! Thanks brother.”

“This is not the time to be cashing in bets, I’m freaking out!”

Al sighed, the sound of a kettle singing in the background indicating that he had opted against going back to sleep after the call. “Look, it’s not like you didn’t want this to happen, right? I mean you’ve had a crush on her since we were little kids.”

Ed flexed his prosthetic leg, rubbing at the muscle that connected to the metal socket. “Well, yeah...but not like this. I mean, I haven’t told her how I feel.”

“Well, I’m just hazarding a guess here, but I’m pretty sure the cat’s out of the bag now.”

“Great, super helpful, thanks bro.”

“I’m just saying, you can’t take it back now, the only thing to do is move forward. I don’t exactly have any advice to give you since I’ve never been in a situation like this. The best I can do is just tell you not to freak out too much. It’s Winry, you’re best friends, just...talk to her.”

Edward looked up at the door, the simple barrier that separated him from the inevitable. “I...I don’t know how.”

“I have faith in you, brother. I’ve gotta go now, just...take a deep breath, you’ll be fine.”

Letting out a heavy sigh, he nodded. “Right. Thank’s Al, I’ll talk to you later.” Hanging up, he tapped his fingers against his knee, mind struggling to pick up even a fragment of memory from the night before.

He and Winry had left for Central city for the concert, they’d checked into their adjoining rooms at the hotel and headed over to the venue. After that, everything was a blank.

What was he going to do? Alphonse had said to just talk to her, but how could he? Where would he even start? Hey, Winry, so I guess we had sex last night, by the way, I’ve kind of liked you since we were little kids, I guess you feel the same?

Yeah, that would go over great.

Al was really the only person who he trusted to share this kind of thing with, but he hadn’t been able to give him much advice. Who else could he talk to?

A name popped into his head, and although he was hesitant to call, he was desperate.

Taking a deep breath, he dialed the number and waited. One, two, three, on the fourth ring, the line picked up.

“Elric?”

“Lieutenant, Hawkeye? I uh...I have a bit of a situation and was wondering if you could maybe give me some advice.”

“Is it military related? The Colonel would be more qualified to-”

“Uh, no, it’s personal.”

“I see. It’s good that you called me then. What can I help you with, Edward?”

“Um, it’s a little awkward, but I couldn’t think of anyone else who I could call.” Pausing to steady his breathing, he plunged right in. “I think I might have slept with Winry last night, but we were both drinking and honestly I don’t remember anything. But I woke up and we were both in bed and just...I don’t know what to do.”

“I see, well, is she awake?”

“I don’t think so, I’ve been holed up in the bathroom since I woke up, she was still asleep when I came in here and I haven’t heard any noise so I think she’s still sleeping.”

“And you can’t remember anything from last night?”

“Not a damn thing. I don’t know if that’s better or worse for this situation.”

“Well, I think you should talk to her once she wakes up, just be honest and see if she remembers anything.”

“Yeah, that’s what Al said, but I don’t know what to say. I mean, she’s my best friend, we’ve been best friends since we were little kids. Sure we haven’t spent a whole lot of time with each other these past couple years because I was serving and she was busy with school, but that’s what this trip was supposed to be for, we were supposed to reconnect and spend time together, it wasn’t supposed to be so damn complicated.”

“Edward, take a deep breath, it’s going to be alright. Go out, get coffee and breakfast, bring it back to the room, and just talk to her. You said it yourself, you’ve been best friends since you were little, and even though you haven’t seen each other much these past years doesn’t mean that you aren’t still just as close.”

“Right, okay. Thank you, Lieutenant.”

“Anytime. By the way, have you decided on whether or not you’re going to accept the Colonel’s offer?”

“Honestly, that’s the last thing on my mind right now.”

“Of course. Call if you need anything.”

“I will, thanks again.”

“Sure. Goodbye Edward.”

Steeling himself, Edward Elric pulled on his pants, slipped his phone into his pocket and crept back into the room.

Winry was still fast asleep, thank goodness. And he blessed his stealth training as he gathered up the rest of his clothes and grabbed a room key as he slipped out into the hallway.

Get coffee and breakfast, not bad advice. He remembered Winry mentioning a cute cafe they passed yesterday a couple blocks away from their hotel, that would be as good a place as any to grab something.

Surprisingly he was able to get to the cafe, buy breakfast, and be back in the hotel within an hour.

Juggling a bag of pastries and a drink tray in one hand, he fumbled for the room key with his other and finally managed to unlock the door, nearly dropping the coffee in the process.

Slipping inside, he winced as the door slammed far too loudly behind him.

“Ed?”

Shit.

Rounding the corner slowly, he came face to face with Winry.

She was sitting on the edge of the bed, dressed in a simple pale blue tank top and high waisted jean shorts. Her hair was damp, she probably just got out of the shower.

“Uh, hi…” He held up the paper bag and drink tray. “I brought coffee and breakfast. Banana nut still your favorite muffin?”

She smiled, a little weakly. “Yeah, thanks.”

He set the bag down on the side table and sat down next to her, wordlessly handing her a cup of coffee. “Here, if you’re even half as hungover as I am you’re gonna need this.”

“You don’t happen to have any aspirin do you?”

He dug into his pocket and pulled out a small bottle. “Here, I already took some.”

“Oh, bless you.” She exclaimed, quickly popping a few of the pills into her mouth and washing them down with the coffee.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, then Edward finally said something.

“Listen, um...about last night. This is really embarrassing but uh, I don’t really remember...anything.”

“Yeah, me either. I mean, I remember the concert a little, but then it’s all just a blur.”

He bit his lower lip, worrying it between his teeth anxiously. “So...I, well I mean we...I guess-”

“We didn’t have sex last night.”

He finally turned to look at her, brows pulled together in confusion. “What? But you just said you don’t remember anything.”

“Well, no, I don’t but um, I’m not...sore.” Her face was bright red, and she was avoiding looking at him. “I mean, we both had our underclothes on, right? If we were that drunk why would we put clothes on after sleeping together? And like I said, I’m not sore or anything, not saying that that’s a guarantee or anything but it’s pretty common unless uh…”

“Oh, trust me, you’d be sore.” Ed said, immediately turning red and sputtering flusteredly. “N-not saying I’d be rough or anything! Just um, well I mean I’m not...oh fuck it.” He dropped his head into his hands, his palms pressing against his burning face. “I’m sorry, Win.”

“It’s not your fault...we were both pretty drunk last night. We probably just fell asleep in the same bed instead of me going back into my room. That’s all.”

He lifted his head. “That’s right, I bet that’s what happened. Besides, we’ve shared a bed before, I mean...not in a while, but still, we’re best friends, this doesn’t have to be weird. Right?”

She nodded. “Right! Let’s just...put it out of our minds. I mean, we didn’t have sex, so there’s nothing to freak out about.”

“Yeah, I guess it was kind of silly to even think we would have banged.”

Laughing she stood up and walked over to the bag of muffins. “Right? Totally crazy, I mean I don’t think we could ever be that drunk.”

Ed swallowed, looking away from her as he chuckled half-heartedly. “Yeah, what was I thinking.”

[chelseaapproved]

I’ll Sing a Song Beside You- 6

Read on Ao3!

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Chapter Six

“They definitely are,” Alya says firmly, her eyes filled with fire.

“I’m positive they’re not. You’re just embarrassing yourself now,” Chloé says dismissively.

“I’m pretty sure I have a better understanding of them; I run the Ladyblog.”

“Oh please, your pathetic excuse for a website is hardly a basis for your claim. Besides, you barely update it anymore. It’s more fan-run than anything else.”

“I’ve been busy. That doesn’t mean I’m any less aware of what Chat Noir and Ladybug are up to.”

“Uh, what’s going on,” Adrien interjects cautiously, glancing at a silent Marinette backed against the wall. Her knuckles are turning white from gripping her purse.

Chloé scoffs. “This one,” Chloé says, pointing to Alya, “thinks that she’s a Ladybug expert but can’t even recognize that she’s not dating Chat Noir.”

“What do you think, Adrien,” Alya says.

Adrien looks at Marinette. The second their eyes meet, her face starts turning pink. Right. She probably doesn’t want to hear her friends casually discuss her dating life…

“I never really thought about it,” he lies, rubbing his neck.

“They’re obviously not dating yet, though, right Adrien,” Chloé persists.

“Wait, yet?”

“Well, they’re clearly madly in love with each other and are just being stupid about it.”

Adrien has no response to that and joins Marinette in her blushing game.

“Wait,” Marinette speaks up. “You guys are practically on the same side on this. Why are you even arguing?”

“Because they’re not dating yet,” Chloé spits.

“What do you think, Marinette,” Adrien asks because he is a little shit and can’t help himself.

Her face grows redder at his questioning. “I, uh, don’t think they’re like that at all.”

He doesn’t know what he expected; he already knew she doesn’t have feelings for Chat but hearing her say it out loud, so simply, turns his stomach sour.

“Oh,” he forces out. “N-not even a little?”

“Marinette is probably just jealous because she wants Chat to herself, right Marinette?” Alya says.

Marinette glares at Alya. “How many times do I have to tell you, there’s nothing going on between me and Chat Noir.”

“Ew,” Chloé says. “Why would Chat Noir ever want to date Marinette?”

“More importantly,” Marinette says, “How can you argue Ladybug and Chat Noir are dating but also think Chat Noir has the hots for me?”

“Maybe he has a type,” Alya shrugs.

“I doubt Chat Noir would be interested in a random civilian,” Adrien interjects nervously. “Especially not if he is actually dating Ladybug.”

“Are you implying Marinette isn’t good enough to date a superhero,” Alya asks.

“No! Chat Noir would be the luckiest person if he got to date Marinette! I didn’t mean he shouldn’t want to date her. Everyone should want to date her, she’s amazing!” Adrien realizes that Marinette is still standing right there, staring at him with big blue eyes. He backtracks. “Not that I want to date you, Marinette. Well, I wouldn’t want to not date you but—”

The bell cuts him off and saves him from further humiliation.

Marinette awkwardly waves at him before scurrying off with Alya.

“That was even more pathetic than usual,” Chloé says.

“I know,” Adrien says despondently before dragging himself to class.

--

The ground starts shaking around third period. It could just be a normal earthquake but being Chat Noir has put Adrien on alert for any sort of disturbance. Regardless, the tremors continue to get worse and pretty soon they hear the announcement that class is cancelled and everyone should report to the gym for safety. Everyone grabs their stuff and joins the large group of students in the hallway as they all shuffle toward the gym.

Naturally, that’s when the akuma shows up, bright green and cackling.

Adrien lets himself get swept up by the stampeding crowd and soon enough finds himself outside. He falters for a second, sweeping his eyes over the mass of students sprinting away, hoping to catch a glimpse of his friends. He spies Nino hauling a frantic Alya away and breathes a bit easier.

Slipping away from any bystanders, Adrien finds an enclosed nook to transform. The school is slowly crumbling but he can’t focus on that right now. Chat Noir can do more than Adrien can.

“Can’t it wait,” Plagg whines. “There are three other heroes, you don’t need me right away.”

“You can be lazy later.”

“No I can’t. You’re gonna visit your girlfriend tonight.”

“She’s not my girlfriend. Also, we don’t have time for this. Plagg, claws out!”

Plagg doesn’t get enough time to complain some more. Instead, he’s sucked into the ring, allowing Adrien to become Chat Noir.

Chat leaps out of his hiding spot and immediately tries to figure out where the akuma stormed off to. In his search, he notices Marinette’s bag laying on the ground near some bushes. Heart pounding, Chat cautiously picks it up and opens it. Wide blue eyes peer up at him.

“Crap,” he mutters. “Where’s Mari?”

“I don’t know,” Tikki replies. “She was running out with everyone else and then tripped and flung me over here.”

“Okay. Okay. She’s probably looking for you so I’ll hold onto you for now and try calling her cell.”

“Her cell phone is in here.”

“Of course it is.”

“Chat!” Chat whips around, hiding the tiny purse behind his back. Rena Rouge has tears streaming down her face, which puts Chat on edge. He’s seen Ladybug and Queen Bee cry but never Rena Rouge.

“What’s wrong?”

“Th-there are still civilians in there,” Rena Rouge says. "There's no way in or out, I already checked."

Chat’s blood runs cold. He glances over at the school slowly caving in on itself. The longer they wait the more likely no one will make it. He doesn’t know whether Miraculous Ladybug can bring back the dead and he never wants to find out. “How many?”

“I don’t know! At least five... There’s one girl who—she was out already and safe but she saw there were people trapped and she ran back in…”

“Do you know who any of them are?” He knows the answer before she even gives it. Who else would do something so stupid? He grips Marinette’s bag, still held behind him, in anticipation.

“You might know her, the girl who ran in—Marinette Dupain-Cheng.”

Chat doesn’t even respond. Storing the bag in one of his pockets, he races to the front of the school and calls for Cataclysm, hoping he can force his way into the building. All it does is add even more dust and rubble to the mess.

“No. No! NO!” He screams so loud his throat feels raw. Chat starts grabbing at the rocks and other debris. He will dig his way to her if he has to.

The only thing he can hear is the beeping of his ring and the soft rumbling of the building, a constant reminder that he doesn’t have enough time. Marinette is in there, defenseless, and every rock he removes is replaced by another and another and another and another…

“Chat.” Rena Rouge places her hand on his shoulder, snapping him out of his ruminative trance. “You should head over to the akuma. Ladybug might be there already and will need one of our help. I can stay and wait for the students.”

Her words make sense but Chat ignores her anyway. Ladybug won’t be there. Ladybug is currently trapped in a collapsing school and he doesn’t know how to fix it.

He can’t tell Rena Rouge any of that though, so he just keeps with his pointless attempts to reach Marinette. Most people were smart and evacuated the entire area, but there’s a small crowd watching him that he’s only vaguely aware of. He really hopes Nino was able to drag Alya far away enough so they’re safe and she’s not here recording his breakdown.

“Chat you’re going to detransform soon,” Rena Rouge says. “Maybe you should release your transformation and let your kwami eat so you can come back sooner.”

“No,” Chat says. “Marinette is in there, I can’t leave her.”

“Stop,” Rena Rouge says, her voice broken. “Marinette will be okay. They all will. Ladybug will fix everything.”

“Chat?” His heart stops at the distant sound of her voice.

“Marinette?”

“There’s a group of us here. I think I know a way to get out but you need to back up, okay?”

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, obviously.” He can hear the eye-roll in her voice, even if he still can’t see her. “Move back and get out of the way.”

“As you wish, My L—Marinette.” Chat backs up, shaking with nerves. She’s okay. She’s alive and has a plan. Of course she has a plan, it’s Marinette, Ladybug. If anyone could get out of that doomed situation it’d be her.

There seems to be a lot of chaos going on inside the collapsing building. Marinette is shouting orders Chat can only sort of make out above the sound of moving rocks.

“Chat Noir you have less than a minute before you turn back,” Rena says, firm. “Get the hell out of here or so help me I will murder you.”

“But—”

“No buts. Go.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Chat says. He’s never met anyone who has such a good mom voice at his age, except maybe Alya. Both girls were very intimidating when they used it.

Chat leaps away, careful to find a spot with a vantage point on the situation but away from any wandering eyes. More and more people are gathering around the school, which is stupid because it’s collapsing but since when were people rational?

“Must… have… cheese,” Plagg says the moment he flies out of the ring.

“Eat quickly,” Adrien says, grabbing a piece of camembert out of his pocket. “I need to get back to Marinette.”

“Don’t you mean Ladybug?”

“She’s still Marinette right now. So eat up.”

Plagg doesn’t respond, choosing instead to indulge himself on the smelly cheese. The moment he swallows, Adrien calls for the transformation.

He runs back to the school in time to see a small, round-faced boy crawl out of a hole in the top of the fallen rocks. Chat’s heart jumps to his throat. If that boy can get out then that means…

He waits anxiously, barely paying attention to what he’s saying to the trickle of escaping students.

And then she’s there. Covered in dirt and scrapes and bruises but alive. Without realizing what he’s doing, without finishing his sentence, he rushes over to her and wraps her up in a huge hug.

“You’re okay,” he mutters into her grimy hair. “Oh my gosh, you’re okay.”

“Chat, you’re hurting me.”

“Sorry,” he yelps, pulling away.

Marinette grins up at him and rings his bell. “That’ll teach you to underestimate me.”

“Please never do anything like that ever again.”

“We’ll talk about that later,” she responds. “In the meantime, we have a much larger problem.”

“Right. Akuma.”

“Uh, actually,” she says, glancing around. “Can you take me home? I feel too weak to walk.” She feigns swooning and holy crap she’s too cute for Chat to handle.

“Anything for my Princess.”

“Princess?”

The pair whip around to see Rena Rouge staring at them slack-jawed.

“It-it’s just a nickname. Like you’re Foxy Lady? It doesn’t mean anything!”

“When have you ever called me ‘Foxy Lady?’”

“Um, when you’re not around.”

Rena arches an eyebrow at him. Seriously, she’s so intimidating.

“Don’t you guys have an akuma to fix,” Marinette pipes up.

“This conversation isn’t over,” Rena says to Chat before she takes off toward the distant rumbling.

Chat’s pretty sure his face is red as he turns back to face Marinette. He really needs to be more careful with the way he interacts with her when there are people around.

That thought, naturally, goes right out of his head the second he sees her grinning bashfully at him. “Your chariot awaits,” he says with a sweeping bow.

Marinette rolls her eyes but holds onto him the way she always does when they take his staff to travel, her arms wrapped snugly around his neck.

When he drops her off at her balcony she blurts out, “I don’t know where Tikki is. I couldn’t tell you at the school because there were too many people but I have no idea where she might be and I might have dropped her when I went back in which means—”

“Mari. Calm down, I have her.” Chat reaches into his belt and produces her tiny bag.

Relief floods Marinette’s face as she grabs the bag out of his hands. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” She opens the bag and Tikki floats out.

“I’ll spare you the lecture for now,” Tikki says. Chat thinks she’s using her stern voice but the kwami is such a cutie that it doesn’t come across nearly as reprimanding as it should. “Why don’t you clean up quickly before heading out?”

“But Paris needs me. I’ve let them wait long enough.”

“Two more minutes in the name of personal care won’t hurt,” Chat says.

“Whatever. I’ll see you there, Kitty.” She scratches under her chin before heading down into her room. Chat takes a second for a deep breath before joining the fight.

--

By the time Ladybug shows up, the three other heroes have fully exhausted themselves. Queen Bee already de-transformed twice. They’ve chased the akuma all around the city, trying and failing to at least detain their villain while they waited for Ladybug to arrive.

“About time,” Bee says. “What were you doing that was so important you had to come an hour late?”

“Sorry,” Ladybug says. “I got trapped as my civilian-self.”

“No worries, My Lady,” Chat says, grabbing her hand to kiss it. She lets him peck his lips against her polka-dotted gloves, which is still a new thing to him. He’s so used to her pushing him away and he has no idea what it means that she’s stopped. “Nothing we couldn’t handle.”

“Speak for yourself,” Bee says. “I was the only one fighting this guy from the beginning.”

“Okay,” Ladybug says, standing between them. “I’m sorry I was late. If I could have gotten here sooner, I would have. We don’t have time to stand here and argue, though, and that’s partially my fault but mostly it’s Hawkmoth’s. Now, let’s go end this.”

It’s a good speech, and one of the many reasons she’s the leader of their gang. Unfortunately, Chat doesn’t have much time to marvel over how amazing his Lady is. The akuma is back, apparently realizing that Ladybug, (and subsequently, her earrings) were here. It’s heading straight towards them, clearly intent on striking Ladybug from behind and Chat moves without even thinking.

He pushes all three girls out of the way just in time to get hit himself. He hears Ladybug’s desperate scream. And then nothing.

[rurounidrift]

Aug 23 Blurr’s Horror Stream - Little Shop of Horrors

In honor of the eclipse. In a shocking twist, even Blurr prefered the domestic ending to the monsters-destroy-humanity ending.

Missed the very start. Frenzy wrote “WASH ME” in Blurr’s leg dirt.

B l u r r: Oh yeah? /wiggles pede/ B l u r r: There's nothing new there. ItsyBitsySpyers: \\WHATCHA CALL THIS?\\ Drift: *arrives!* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Holds up a grimy fingertip* B l u r r: ... It's called space dust, I assume? B l u r r: /scratches helm finial. Wiggles claws at Drift / Drift: *walks over to Blurr, looks at his leg, snorts, and sits down.* ItsyBitsySpyers: \\'S CALLED YER FRAGGIN' FILTHY 'N IT'S GONNA SLOW YA DOWN.\\ B l u r r: ... Hn? It doesn't slow me down. ItsyBitsySpyers: *But that ain't his business, so he flops with Soundwave and the others after giving Drift a thumbs up hello* Bevel: *giggles* ItsyBitsySpyers: //Yo, Bev. Seat?// Bevel: Sure! B l u r r: Anyway, it was worth getting a little dirty. B l u r r: You wanna see what I found? It's wicked. B l u r r: Never seen anything like it before. K-Kyeheheh. ItsyBitsySpyers: //Sure! What's it?// Butterbun changed their nickname to Starscream. Drift: I wanna see. Bevel: Me too. B l u r r: /holds up a flat, circular object. It has a gold trim and a thick glass center. It looks almost like a monocle in his claw/ Check it out. B l u r r: If you use it, it automatically centers what you're looking at. ItsyBitsySpyers: //...So it moves the thing, or?// B l u r r: K-Kyeheheh. And it helps me keep track of moving objects, too. B l u r r: No, it centers it into the weird... system thing. I don't know, I tore it off a mech. B l u r r: He said it was like a compass. B l u r r: But it can adjust to any system. Apparently it has a data storage in it. Drift: What, do you look through the middle? How's it work? B l u r r: Yeah. See, look. /holds it up for Drift / If you look through the middle, it should start logging whatever you're looking at. B l u r r: And it centers for you and everything. B l u r r: I have no idea what I'll use it for, but it seemed interesting and he wasn't using it. B l u r r: I could also be using it completely wrong. /shrugs a little / Either way, it looks cool. Bevel: How does it center things? Drift: What do you mean, it "centers"? Does it start, like, turning to track whatever I'm looking at? *looks through it at... Bevel* Bevel: *grins at Drift* Starscream: *scoots his pretty little booty into the room* B l u r r: I don't know what it does, really. I mean it will center... ah... hn. /mumbles/ It'll focus on the object in the center. B l u r r: That's what I meant... /scratches finial sheepishly/ B l u r r: I think he used it to track bounties down. Drift: *grins back* So it's like a self-adjusting telescope? *waits to see what it does to Bevel* Bevel: That is really useful. B l u r r: Sort of? I don't know. But, so far, I've seen it logging things. Color scheme, names in databases, and the likes. Bevel: You could use it to find places that are really hard to find. B l u r r: That's what I thought! ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave nods absently to Starscream and watches them all fuss over this strange object* B l u r r: Because he's been plenty of places. Which means he's been to places with valuables. Bevel: *color scheme huh? she'll just slowly shift her colors through a spectrum from her usual dark purple to a rusty red-orange* Drift: *... IS it doing anything to bevel?* B l u r r: / Probably just a name and location at the moment / B l u r r: / Seeing as Bevel hasn't really been with The Emperor long / Drift: ... Oh! Oh, yeah, I see, it changes their color, so they stick out more against the— *looks around the side of the glass* ... Oh. Never mind. B l u r r: K-Kyeheheheh. Bevel: *laughs* ItsyBitsySpyers: //Heh!// B l u r r: But. if you point it at ME. /smirks/ My bounty comes up. B l u r r: Along with where I'm from. Which is interesting. Bevel: Oh point it at Blurr! B l u r r: I guess this mech was using it to hunt people down. But, I didn't give him time to really explain it to me. It's a learn as you go thing. Drift: Ohhh. *looks back at the glass. yeah, he sees the name and location now.* So, what, it looks up a database about the person? B l u r r: [[ is everyone ready ? ]] Drift: *goes to the other side of the glass so he can look through it the other way at Blurr* B l u r r: I think so, but it also seems to work as a compass?I'm not sure. I have to play with it more. B l u r r: / snorts at Drift / ItsyBitsySpyers: ((SO READY :D :D :D :D)) drift changed their nickname to Tydrift. Tydrift: (I made it on time wow) B l u r r: [ yay! ]] Bevel: //welcome welcome B l u r r: The thing is, if it logs, I can try to get someone to hack into it and get its history transferred to our archives. Drift: What do you mean, like a compass? Does it point at the person when they move away from the glass? B l u r r: Which means I'll have lists of new places. B l u r r: No, I mean it has locations in it. B l u r r: I could track mechs back to their universes and get 'em. Drift: The locations of where they live or something? B l u r r: I don't know, I didn't make it. B l u r r: I told you, I'm still figuring it out. Bevel: It can track through the streams? Drift: Huh. B l u r r: Not sure yet. It knows where I'm from, but I suppose if I jave a bounty, that's common knowledge. B l u r r: *have ItsyBitsySpyers: //Bet it doesn't. Where's it gonna get all the data?// B l u r r: And /my/ bounty is higher than my Ultra Magnus. B l u r r: / smirks confidently / Bevel: Nexus? B l u r r: [[ okay so i know neddles is ready. Everyone else? ]] Bevel: //ready ItsyBitsySpyers: //What'sa Necks Us?// B l u r r: ... No idea. B l u r r: Sounds like something you can steal, though. B l u r r: That's not the coolest part, though. Drift: ((yep)) B l u r r: The coolest part is that I managed to secure more supplies! Bevel: Nexus is a universe cluster. It is where Axiom Nexus is. They compile and monitor different universes and stuff. Starscream: ((ready! ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave immediately sits upright* ItsyBitsySpyers: [[They do? How?]] ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Are their records public?]] ItsyBitsySpyers: ((*WIGGLES*)) B l u r r: [[ omfg hold on ]] B l u r r: [[Itunes just froze. ]] B l u r r: [[ there. ]] Bevel: The bots there are waaaaay ahead of any other universe I have ever seen with technology and stuff. Tydrift: That's unsettling... is there a way to see if they're monitoring your universe? B l u r r: Sounds fake. ItsyBitsySpyers: ((It's gonna be tempting to show this on the 23rd of September)) Bevel: It is not fake. I lived there for a really long time. ItsyBitsySpyers: ((call a cop u say)) Starscream: ((do it B l u r r: Well, they're probably not watching our universe. B l u r r: Trust me no one is watching my universe. Drift: You can't know that. B l u r r: Well, it doesn't matter. We travel too much to worry about it. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave's feeler is already waving. This story amuses the living Pit out of him. Especially considering what's hiding in the storage shed.* Starscream: *..what's in the storage shed?* ItsyBitsySpyers: *A singing, carnivorous plant.* Starscream: *who's shed. where* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Outside Dancitron.* B l u r r: Anyway. I have my mechs tearing apart the idiot's ship right now B l u r r: Maybe we'll find something else cools. B l u r r: *cool Bevel: The data is not really public. Some of it is cause there's lots of travel from different universes in Axiom Nexus and everyone talks but sometimes the Nexus bots keep stuff secret. Starscream: *oh good. not his Cybertron. Attention back to movie* ItsyBitsySpyers: *He wants it. All of it.* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Imagine how much bigger his map could get...* Starscream: ..... Starscream: 8I *this is a movie about Cybertron. Welp* Drift: *you commenting on the quality of your leadership, starscream?* Starscream: *Cybertron is a work in progress* B l u r r: / you're a half asssed project / Bevel: *could tell him where more than a few observation stations are* Starscream: *you're a recycled project* B l u r r: / I sure am. / B l u r r: /snicker snort/ It does look like home. / B l u r r: *. Drift: *yes, it does. :c* Tydrift: Missing a few craters B l u r r: Missing a lot of Empties. Drift: *he's guessing "skid row" is human for "dead end"* B l u r r: Oh wait, there's Starscream. Perfect, the gang is all here. /snicker / Drift: Where—? Ugh. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Might take Bevel up on that later.* B l u r r: ... I love those fly trap plants. B l u r r: I wonder if I could make one... B l u r r: / hums/ Tydrift: [ silent gasp ] Tydrift: ( also I gasp too it's *** cute ) B l u r r: ... He likes odd and weird things? As opposed to the normal? Tydrift: (... it's not gonna stay cute is it) B l u r r: /tilts helm, finials flicking / I like him. ItsyBitsySpyers: ((YOU MEAN YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THIS?)) ItsyBitsySpyers: ((omg i won't spoil you a thing, i swear)) Tydrift: (NOPE IM A LOSER) Bevel: //*shakes fist* missed rhyme opportunity and i'm so mad and amused B l u r r: ... What do humans buy flowers for? ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Gifts.]] Tydrift: They give them to each other as tokens of affection. B l u r r: ... for whom? ItsyBitsySpyers: [[They're... pleasing.]] Tydrift: Or to make their homes look nice. Drift: Symbols of the ephemerality of beauty and life. B l u r r: ... Ah. B l u r r: Well, that explains why I have never received any. B l u r r: / tilts helm/ Dodge bought me a collection of data texts once. Bevel: My creator says most of the plants humans give as gifts are dying. Starscream: Bribes to soothe over wronged partners. B l u r r: Pit, Dodge always made me apologize. B l u r r: I wasn't allowed to buy him things. Drift: Yeah, that's why they're so ephemeral. They die fast. Starscream: ...so what did you do? Starscream: Bring him boquets of hands? ItsyBitsySpyers: [[They should give them still in pots.]] B l u r r: Pardon? Bevel: I would rather get a live plant so I could plant it somewhere. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Flowers. Not hands.]] B l u r r: No, I told him I was wrong and he accepted. Starscream: *makes a face. Sounds fake* Drift: *pats Blurr's shoulder.* That's mature. B l u r r: /snort / Thanks ,Drift. B l u r r: I also cooked him dinner sometimes. Drift: ... What kind of plant did he say he thinks it is? ItsyBitsySpyers: [[A fly trap.]] B l u r r: ... /wicked grin / Starscream: Feed it flies. Drift: ... Wouldn't it need flies, then? Starscream: ..alternatively, traps. Drift: Aww, it wants kisses. ItsyBitsySpyers: //Haha!// Bevel: *giggles* B l u r r: K-KYAHAHHAA!! Tydrift: [ it's like a hatchling oml ] ItsyBitsySpyers: *Frenzy's imagining that thing with a bitbear trap in its mouth* Bevel: *imagining a scraplet mouth* B l u r r: / grabs Drift's arm and shakes/i want one!! B l u r r: I want ten!! B l u r r: I want a forest of them! Starscream: ...wait. Isn't this literally that carnacle that Whirl is keeping. Drift: *is shook* Starscream: *barnacle Drift: You'd need to keep organics around to feed it, though. B l u r r: Well, those are easy to get! ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Yes, you would. The barnacle only eats inorganic material.]] Starscream: ..blood seems like a very effective fertilizer. B l u r r: It satisfies most cravings. Starscream: ((i like the street advice girls Drift: (("I want a garbage disposal and my own washer and dryer" is she a millennial)) Starscream: Small dreams. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[He prefers blue, himself.]] B l u r r: [[ she isss ]] Starscream: ((you see where she lives. the answer is yes Tydrift: For a movie called little shop of horrors... there's a surprising lack of horror Drift: ((pine-sol)) B l u r r: ... Are you kidding? Drift: ((millennial whirl)) B l u r r: This is terrifying. Tydrift: This is nice Starscream: That decor is pretty frightening. B l u r r: this is terrifying. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave just huffs, his shoulders trembling. This poor stranger.* B l u r r: What do they do all day? ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Perhaps they're retired from the money the shop makes.]] B l u r r: ... What do they DO all day? Tydrift: Be happy? Drift: *dopey smile. it's all alien but the sentiment gets through.* B l u r r: You know what's terrifying? She hasn't killed that boyfriend of hers yet. Bevel: Eat him. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Frenzy flicks a snack at Drift* B l u r r: Seriously. ItsyBitsySpyers: \\MUSH.\\ Drift: Hey! Starscream: Mush. Drift: *FLICKS IT BACK* ItsyBitsySpyers: \\SEE? AIN'T I - OW!\\ ItsyBitsySpyers: *rubs his visor* B l u r r: She should just kill her boyfriend. Bevel: *titanic night was highly influential on how she thinks one should handle jerk boyfriends* ItsyBitsySpyers: ((wow it's dropping hard)) Drift: *... did somebody eat their boyfriend in titanic* Starscream: ((if someone ate their boyfriend in titanic i am so sorry i missed it)) Drift: ((same)) Bevel: *no but everyone thought rose should eat both dudes as they were rude af* Drift: ((... *points at seymour feeding audrey ii* shockwave.)) ItsyBitsySpyers: ((NO)) ItsyBitsySpyers: //She's one to talk.// Tydrift: Pft Drift: *they're so cute* B l u r r: ... I would have honestly killed this guy by now. Tydrift: Oh Primus Bevel: :| Tydrift: I think I agree with you Blurr B l u r r: Mmmm yes indeed. Drift: What's a dentist? B l u r r: I would have killed him. ItsyBitsySpyers: //So that's how come ya went learnin' medicine.// Rumble nudges his brother. // Heh.// B l u r r: He reminds me of someone... I know. ItsyBitsySpyers: \\PFFFF.\\ Starscream: ..... Starscream: *IS THIS HOOK* B l u r r: A dentist works on teeth, I think Drift: ... That's what humans chew with, right? B l u r r: Yes. B l u r r: I think so. Drift: ... So why would they want them drilled up? ItsyBitsySpyers: \\OH, OH, I KNOW!\\ ItsyBitsySpyers: \\THE TEETH THINGS GET LIL HOLES ALL IN 'EM 'N THEY GOTTA STICK METAL IN TO FILL 'EM. SO THEY DRILL BETTER HOLES 'N GET OUT THE VIRUSES 'N SCRAP.\\ ItsyBitsySpyers: \\LIKE FILLIN' DENTAL PLATES, ONLY THEY GOT A WHOLE BUNCH.\\ ItsyBitsySpyers: \\RATCHET WAS TELLIN' ME. HE HAD PICTURES 'N EVERYTHIN'.\\ Starscream: ..why don't they just replace the whole tooth with metal. B l u r r: ... /cringes a little by Drift / Eugh... Drift: Oh. Huh. B l u r r: He does remind me of him. B l u r r: That's disgusting. Kill him. ItsyBitsySpyers: //Punch 'im.// Bevel: Eat him. Drift: Break his teeth. B l u r r: Kill. Him. ItsyBitsySpyers: //Nah, he'll just fix 'em. Break his nose.// Drift: I was going for dramatic irony, but okay. Starscream: ((I sing this often ItsyBitsySpyers: ((me too)) B l u r r: [[[ same ]] B l u r r: / nudges drift / Hey. Drift: Hm? B l u r r: What if I make one of these plants? Starscream: A wishgranting plant. Drift: You'd have to keep visiting Earth to get it food. B l u r r: That's easier. B l u r r: ... Actually, this plant reminds me of me. B l u r r: /snort / drift: (my wifi crapped out and I come back to this what happened to my cute lil baby) drift changed their nickname to Tydrift. Drift: ((him grew)) B l u r r: ... Yes! Tydrift: (nooo omg please wifi work) ItsyBitsySpyers: *Rumble growls. He hates this part.* B l u r r: Oh yes yes yes, feed him to the plant! Starscream: Ah, yes. The neighbors will definitely not hear this. B l u r r: /kicking pedes / Drift: Yes! Drift: ((i love this scene)) B l u r r: [[ yeS ]] Starscream: ... B l u r r: K-KYAHAHAHAA!! B l u r r: [[ god poor seymour ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: //This is all kinda awkward.// Drift: ((incredibly specific fetishes)) drift: Is he... drift changed their nickname to Tydrift. Starscream: 8S Tydrift: [muttering] Please, just shoot him already... Drift: Yeah. B l u r r: Seriously. Starscream: *the bading of realization* ItsyBitsySpyers: //Primus, he's bad at this.// B l u r r: Really. B l u r r: Really bad. Starscream: I wonder that he doesn't get caught.. but maybe this is commonplace in Skid Row. ItsyBitsySpyers: //Guess it tenders the meat up real good.// Drift: Pff. Drift: Pre-break a few bones so Audrey doesn't have to chew as much. B l u r r: He didn't think to cut it up before hand? Tydrift: What a spoiled plant ItsyBitsySpyers: //With what? A lil' tooth drill?// Drift: I guess he thought it'd eat the body whole. B l u r r: An ax. K-Kyeheheh. Tydrift: (... is this the same guy from ghostbusters??) ItsyBitsySpyers: ((yep)) Tydrift: (EYY KEY MASTER) Drift: ((it always fvcks me up a little when her voice moves down to a normal octave)) ItsyBitsySpyers: ((heh)) Drift: *drift's dopey grin is back* Tydrift: [honestly let the movie end here this is enough for him] B l u r r: eugh... B l u r r: /rolls optic/ B l u r r: what a boring romance Drift: Whaaat? ItsyBitsySpyers: [[He murdered a horrible lover for her and you find that boring?]] Tydrift: He fed her abusive ex's dismembered corpse to a plant B l u r r: I guess. Tydrift: I would have expected you to consider that romantic Drift: He taught her to love herself. Starscream: He didn't bother hiding the evidence? B l u r r: I consider it a romantic gesture. B l u r r: It would have been better if he was soaked in blood or something attractive ItsyBitsySpyers: [[He IS new at this, Starscream.]] Starscream: It didn't need THAT one chopped up. Tydrift: Oh so now the plant will eat a whole body B l u r r: It's bigger now Drift: It got bigger since the last one. Bevel: Way bigger. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave steeples his fingers.* Drift: *DOPEY SMILE INTENSIFIES* Drift: ... You know, Audrey II never did say that he can't live on anything but human blood. Drift: He only said he needed blood and it had to be fresh. Drift: Seymour could've been giving him dogs all this time or something. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[It would be harder to trap him if it were dogs.]] ItsyBitsySpyers: [[The plant knows what it is doing.]] Tydrift: NO B l u r r: ... Hnh. B l u r r: No one fed someone to a killer plant for me before. B l u r r: I don't think anyone's done anything like that for me. Drift: It wouldn't NEED to trap him, because then he'd have no reason not to want to feed him. Starscream: ..how many people do you know with killer plants? B l u r r: Not many. Drift: ... Do barnacles count? B l u r r: I don't know. Starscream: Those aren't plants. B l u r r: but that must be nice. B l u r r: Just. Killing people for you. /chin claws / B l u r r: That's the perfect sign of affection. Drift: Yeah... B l u r r: / siiiigh / Starscream: ..is that the masochist? ItsyBitsySpyers: [[A new human.]] B l u r r: I've only seen one mech kill someone for me. As a gift. B l u r r: It was beautiful. Starscream: Odd. He looks similar. Starscream: *but lots of humans look alike* Starscream: ((more like the mun is going 'i don't think that's bill murray but it looks a LOT like bill murray)) Drift: ((it does)) ItsyBitsySpyers: ((i still like the play's ending better)) Drift: *on the edge of his seat* Drift: ((that's the alternate ending, right?)) B l u r r: [[ same ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: ((ye)) Tydrift: (what's that ending?) Drift: ((psst find it on youtube we should watch it after this)) ItsyBitsySpyers: ((i'll go look)) Starscream: ((YEAH Starscream: ((i saw the play before the movie so i was very ??? at first Drift: *THE DOPEY SMILE IS BACK* B l u r r: / pouting / B l u r r: / He liked the plant / B l u r r: / sinks down in his seat / Drift: *... tries to tone down the dopey smile for blurr's benefit* B l u r r: !!!!! B l u r r: / BIG GRIN / B l u r r: He's alive!! Tydrift: Maybe this time the plant will stay cute B l u r r: / throws arms up / He'll eat them all again! B l u r r: The monster lived! How exciting! B l u r r: / grinning wide / How perfect. ItsyBitsySpyers: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gyQpDCAWpbs )) Drift: Everyone gets a happy ending. :) B l u r r: [[ lemme try and load it ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: ((enjoy, tydrift mun :) )) Tydrift: (oh dear) Starscream: ...cronch. Tydrift: D: Drift: ... Oh. Drift: *IT HURTS HIS SPARK* Drift: *quietly grabs blurr's arm. blurr. blurr. she wants to be fed to the plant so that she can keep helping seymour in death. blurr. blurr do you see it. blurr.* B l u r r: / Hes TRYING NOT TO / Starscream: ......they set this up for a /pun/. Drift: 8( B l u r r: / but he sees it / Starscream: *burys his face in his hand. Why* B l u r r: / Pats Drift / Bevel: :( Tydrift: Kill the plant B l u r r: Keep the body. Bevel: Bad plant. Tydrift: Kill it ItsyBitsySpyers: [He'll get to that in a moment.]] Drift: And let her sacrifice be in vain?! Tydrift: KILL Tydrift: IT Drift: *grabs blurr's arm with his other hand. blurr. blurr. thEY NEVER GOT MARRIED.* B l u r r: / flickers optic at Drift / B l u r r: ... / pat / Drift: 8C B l u r r: / do u want a hug? / Drift: *yes* B l u r r: / hugs Drift / B l u r r: / Dodge is hugging too/ B l u r r: / Just so u know / Drift: *that's very good of him* B l u r r: / yes / Drift: ... Oh no. Drift: *HUGS TIGHTER* Tydrift: Why not kill the plant first Drift: Because she's living in it. B l u r r: / hugs Drift tighter / Tydrift: She's dead because of it Drift: But that's all that's left of her. Tydrift: If he wanted to keep what was left of her he shouldn't have fed it to a plant Drift: It was her last wish. Tydrift: Her last wish was ridiculous B l u r r: That Drift: So?! B l u r r: is rude to sayy. Drift: It's all she's got left. Tydrift: [YES KILL THE PLANT] Tydrift: You know what would have been better Tydrift: Burying her in an actual garden Drift: If she'd lived. Tydrift: That too B l u r r: Or just keeping her secured somewhere. B l u r r: / picking at his claws B l u r r: */ Drift: Humans rot, Blurr. B l u r r: Not always. Tydrift: It would smell B l u r r: Frames rot, too. Drift: Not as fast. B l u r r: No, not as fast, I suppose. Drift: ... He could've made a mummy out of her, I guess. B l u r r: That too. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[He could bronze her.]] B l u r r: Or frozen her. They don't rot if they're frozen Drift: ... She wouldn't have wanted that, though. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Yes, she would. It turns green.]] Starscream: *whispers* Mulch. Drift: ... Don't think that's what she was going for. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Frenzy snorts* B l u r r: Well, now he's with her. So, there. Drift: ... At least they're together. :( B l u r r: ..... /has the biggest grin on his ugly scarred face / Drift: *... oh. another apocalypse.* Tydrift: [has just a let it all burn mentality at this point now tbh, let them all die then] ItsyBitsySpyers: ((and that's why that post was called "and peoria")) Drift: *yeah. well. sigh.* B l u r r: Look at all of the monsters B l u r r: /splays claws on face / Tydrift: Is this what she wanted ItsyBitsySpyers: //...How much ya think they gotta eat t'get so big?// Starscream: At least three more humans. Drift: ... Well, at least they're having fun.* Drift: *chinhands. still feeling bad for seymour and audrey* Bevel: *doesn't like this ending at all* Starscream: ..they had quite a lot filmed. B l u r r: Well, lucky for you, it's not the real ending, hn? /nudges drift / Drift: Kinda redundant. Drift: Maybe they wre gonna have trimmed it down if this had made the final film. ItsyBitsySpyers: \\I LIKE IT. LOOKIT ALL THAT DESTROYIN'.\\ Dreamy sigh. B l u r r: I know... B l u r r: All these beautiful monsters.. B l u r r: [[ can we just appreciate this 80s monster plant tho ]] Drift: ((it's a good 80s monster plant)) ItsyBitsySpyers: *Rumble punches Frenzy in the arm.* //Weirdo.// B l u r r: Well, at least the original end is your favorite. /pokes Drift/ So chipper up. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave vents contently and stands, stretching.* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Perhaps he'll spend a little time looking at the orchid tonight.* Drift: Yeah. S'true. B l u r r: /smirks a bit / B l u r r: Oh! I spent time with Optimus today. / nudges Drift / We talked about you. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Come. We return home. There is much to do.]] ItsyBitsySpyers: //Awww... okaaaaaay.// Tydrift: [he's in a mood now he's just going to get up and go now] B l u r r: / waves claws at Frenzy / If you're not busy sometime soon, hit me up. ItsyBitsySpyers: \\SURE THING!\\ B l u r r: / omg tydrift ur so emo / Tydrift: (Thanks for streaming this! was a very good one ♥) Drift: *nods as his alternate passes.* B l u r r: [[ ♥ !! ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: *Frenzy 'whispers' a \\WHAT'S THAT MECH'S PROBLEM?\\ * ItsyBitsySpyers: *Rumble just rolls his optics and follows the boss out* B l u r r: / LOUD SHRUGGING AT FRENZY / Bevel: *gonna leave as well mostly because the mun has to be up early* Starscream: *a nod to Blurr. It was.. interesting? Yeah* Starscream: *STARSCREAM OUTIES B l u r r: / throws a snack at Starscream / Starscream: 8U B l u r r: ... /looks around like omg who was that / B l u r r: what a crime. Starscream: *does the 'i got my eyes on you' thing* Starscream: ((thanks for the movie dud! B l u r r: / does the same thing but only with one eye / B l u r r: [[ no problemo! ]] Drift: *JOINS THE EYE GESTURING* Drift: *now starscream's got three eyes on him* B l u r r: / yES / Starscream: ((play one of King George's songs Starscream: ((8DDDD B l u r r: [[ there u go ]] B l u r r: / leans over and hugs Drift again. Comfort squeeze / B l u r r: I liked the first ending better... if it helps. Drift: Really? You did? B l u r r: Mmhm. Drift: Why? I thought you'd like the monster plants destroying Earth more. B l u r r: ... I do. Drift: ((god i love this song)) B l u r r: But, I don't know. Starscream: ((yesssss B l u r r: / frowns a little/ I don't get marriage. I don't know what's so special about it. B l u r r: But, it must be nice. B l u r r: For someone to want to do that with you, I guess? B l u r r: And the plant lived in the end anyway. B l u r r: [[ YES ITS THE BEST ]] Drift: ... It is nice. B l u r r: I wouldn't know. B l u r r: /shrugs a little / Drift: It means you're wanted. It means someone said "I want you forever. Until we die." B l u r r: Where I'm from , we don't have... Conjux...Endura. / see. He did it / Drift: *he did it!!* B l u r r: ...Ah. Yes, no. That's definitely not something I'm gonna learn. /snort / Drift: ... I wanna be your best friend forever. B l u r r: That's different, though. B l u r r: I'd like to be best friends forever, too.  /scratches finial / Drift: Kinda different. But not totally. B l u r r: I guess not. B l u r r: I'm lucky to have anybody, I suppose. B l u r r: They're usually uh.. dead or gone by now. B l u r r: Mostly dead. Drift: *nods* B l u r r: So, hnh. Thanks for sticking around. B l u r r: I know it's not easy. Starscream: ((now kiss)) B l u r r: [[ god. ]] B l u r r: [[ weRE FRIENDS ]] Starscream: Presentation Starscream: ((..wow alright GUESS IM NOT LINKING A PIC B l u r r: [[ LOL ]] Drift: ... It's easy because the reward is you. B l u r r: ... /oh wow/ B l u r r: / that's really nice ;A; / B l u r r: / just. Stare at . / B l u r r: W-Well... a pretty beat up reward. Drift: Worth it. B l u r r: Well, you are, too. B l u r r: Worth a lot. Dents and dings. B l u r r: Well, at the very least, at least I'll always have you. Even if the rest of them leave. B l u r r: As long as you want to stay, of course. /snort / Drift: *crooked smile* Always. B l u r r: / leans over and hugs Drift anyway/ Drift: *hugs back* B l u r r: I hope you don't forget me when I die. /snort/ that'd be depressing. Drift: No! Never. Drift: I'd rather you... not die, though. Besides, you've got orders. B l u r r: Mm... we talked about that today. B l u r r: But... I won't be dying anytime soon. Not in my plans. B l u r r: / Right. Pulls away from hug / You know you can always come by. B l u r r: Maybe you can meet Ratchet. He's responsible for me. Er...not like a ... an Amica? He's just my medic. Drift: Yeah, I getcha. Maybe I'll meet him sometime. *and maybe punch him for not putting more effort into fixing blurr's head.* B l u r r: / ruuude / B l u r r: / pokes Drift's nose. There is a sticker there / Chin up, Drift. Drift: *takes his new sticker. is it a star?* B l u r r: / it IS / Drift: *:) sticks it next to the rodimus star on his chest* B l u r r: / smirks/ Perfect. Drift: *gives Blurr another hug.* I'd better head back to the Lost Light. B l u r r: Mm... /hugs back/ B l u r r: My crew and I are taking off. B l u r r: So, if you need us, just comm me. Drift: Will do. B l u r r: / wiggles scar claw / Drift: *wiggles scar hand* See ya.

[neyla9]

Cipher’s House: Fallen Star Chapters 11-13

Ao3 Version

Of all the things to happen, I hadn’t expected the floor to collapse under me. Maybe it was some kind of trapdoor? But that wouldn’t make sense given how far I’ve fallen… I should’ve landed in the hallway on the floor below, but instead I feel like I’ve fallen for… almost a full minute…

 After falling for much longer than she logically should have, Mabel finally hit the ground. The cold, stone floor hurt, but miraculously she didn’t seem to have suffered more injury than a couple of bruises.

 Getting back on her legs, Mabel looked around and examined her surroundings. It looked like this was the hotel’s basement, or using a more appropriate word, dungeon. It was structured like a hallway, about as wide as the ones in the hotel, but without any doors in sight. The walls and floors were made with stones, the entire atmosphere was cold and damp, and it was so dark that Mabel could barely see two feet in front of her.

 Mabel knew all she could do was pick a direct and hope it would lead to an exit. After a game of eeny, meeny, miney, moe to decide which way to go, she walked on with cautious steps.

 The hallway had a big echo to it, enhancing the sound of every step she took, and every shaky breath that left her body. Coupled with the overall silence, this put her on edge, feeling like every sound she made was giving away her position to some monster that lurked just out of eyesight.

 And then she heard it:

 “Do you know who I am?”

 Mabel could barely hear it, but it did make her stop in her tracks, holding her breath to listen closer.

 “They call me Judgment Boy”

 She still couldn’t make out the words, but it sounded like singing, and it sounded like it was getting closer.

 “Do you know who I am?”

 Now she could hear the words, and the song was joined by the sound of rustling chains.

 “They call me Judgment Boy”

 She began to run away from the sound, not wanting to see what kind of creature the hotel was throwing at her now.

 “Do you know who I am?”

 “I am Judgment Boy”

 Mabel froze in her tracks; not only had the voice gotten louder, but now the words had changed, and that couldn’t be good. So Mabel stood still, trying to see through the darkness what it was that was chasing her.

 “JUDGMENT!” the voice shouted, and from the ceiling descended a creature Mabel could barely comprehend. It looked vaguely human, with a head and face, but its mouth was stretched into a horrifying grin lined with long, sharp teeth. It didn’t have any legs, but seemed to be hanged from its cone-shaped hat on some kind of pulley-system. And for arms, it instead had what looked like a pair of scales, with a cage on each end. One cage held a golden dollar symbol inside, the other a pink heart.

 The creature’s mouth stretched even wider as it looked at Mabel, and it spoke: “You are thirteen years old. You have been struggling academically most of your life, but your brother has always excelled in school. This year however, your brother begins to struggle, and with time his grades get worse and worse. Now… what will you do?”

 “What?” Mabel shook her head in disbelief. She probably shouldn’t be surprised, but what the monster said sounded awfully similar to… “I help my brother of course! I would be worried about him!”

 “… I see,” the monster’s grin widened again. “So you say you’d be there for him. Well, I say we should consult the Balance of Truth.”

 The scales that made up the monster’s arms began to sway, slowly at first, but then began to built up momentum as they swung faster and faster.

 “Judgment… NOW!” the monster suddenly yelled and the floor of the cage containing the pink heart fell, letting the tiny heart fall down and shatter on the stone beneath. “While your brother is suffering, you’re too busy with friends and boys. The few times you let yourself think about his situation, you take a secret glee in his failure. It was your choice. You get to live with it.”

 And with that, the monster simply turned around and left, singing the same song he did when he first appeared.

 While the monster hadn’t physically hurt Mabel, she would have preferred if it did; it would have been better than this.

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  That had been… disturbing. I only hope I don’t run into that… thing again. I’ve been walking around for a while now, but… I don’t seem to be getting anywhere. Is there even a way back to the hotel?

 Mabel was starting to think she wasn’t going anywhere. It was hard to believe, since she had been walking in a straight line all this time, but still. There was one way to find out for sure; Mabel removed her headband and placed it on the ground behind her, then she kept walking forward. If she found her headband again, it would mean she was running in a circle.

 Her eyes were starting to grow more accustomed to the dark, but that didn’t make much of a difference.

 Her feet were starting to ache, but she had to keep walking, otherwise she would surely die here. Mabel kept her pace for twenty minutes longer, before she stopped and leaned against the wall. She could feel that her feet had blisters, and she was almost about to check, when something in the distance drew her gaze.

 It was a soft, blue glow, approaching from the part of the hallway she had been walking from.

 Mabel knew she should probably try to outrun whatever was approaching, but she could barely run in this condition, and whatever that glow was, it could probably chase her down, just like the previous monster.

 As the light got closer, she could make out some voices, and she instinctively tensed, only relaxing when she realized it wasn’t a song. At least it wasn’t another of those monsters.

 The voices were echoing, and hard to make out in general. It was only when she could see where the glow was coming she realized what the voices were.

 It had the body of a skeletal, ghostly fish, swimming through the air and illuminating its surroundings with its blue glow. The head, however, looked like one of those old, rabbit-eared, box TVs, and the screen was showing a picture of her brother. It was heavily distorted by static, as were the sound coming from the TV, but it was definitely him.

 “M-bel,” her brother’s voice sounded from the TV. “I n-ed –“ the image changed and her brother looked frustrated. That was the last glance she caught before the creature passed her, and Mabel pursued behind it. “Wh- w-n- -ou -el- -e?”

 “Dipper! I’m right here!” Mabel cried out. She had no idea if her brother could hear her, but it seemed like he was speaking to her directly. “A-are you trying to guide me? You know how to get out of here? Where are you?”

 “N-ver lis-e-! Yo- -ever l-st-n!” it sounded like the static was getting worse.

 “Dipper, I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me!”

 “-o- l-te. Y-u -er- t-o -at-,” with those words, the creature flew upwards and through the ceiling, leaving Mabel behind.

 “I’ll find you, Dipper,” Mabel said, tears starting to stream down her face. “I promise.”

 Mabel kept walking, albeit at a slower pace now. She didn’t know for how long she walked; too caught up in her own thoughts. Had it been a recorded message? Was Dipper trying to contact her? She was soon broken away from her thoughts when her feet hit something; her headband.

 She picked up her headband and held it close. It seemed like there was no way out of there after all. She sat down and began to cry, both out of sadness and frustration.

 “So, have you learned your lesson?” Mabel’s attention was brought away from her tears, and she looked up to see Cipher, standing right in front of her, smirking.

 “I’m…” Mabel paused to try and regain her composure. “I’m not entirely sure what I was supposed to learn.”

 Cipher let out an audible sigh and rolled his eyes. “Let’s hope you will. Anyway, follow me; I’ll return you to your room. You’re probably tired by now.”

 Mabel reluctantly rose from the floor and followed Cipher. It was better than staying where she was.

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  I let Cipher lead me back to my room. I’m just too tired at this point to protest. I’ll have to continue my search after at least a couple hours of sleep…

 After escorting Mabel to her room, Cipher left, leaving her alone. Not even bothering to use the covers, Mabel just lied down on the bed and fell asleep almost immediately.

 Her dreams were plagued by vague nightmares and intangible thoughts, ones that were difficult to grasp and recall, but nonetheless would fill anyone with dread.

 As she was brought out of her slumber, Mabel found it difficult to breathe, as if a heavy weight was placed upon her chest. She also realized that she couldn’t move, like there was a disconnect between her brain and body.

 She wanted to call for help, but found that she couldn’t say a word. Her eyes searched the room for an explanation, and she caught sight of a humanoid figure, standing in the corner of her room, staring at her.

 The figure stepped forward, revealing a young, attractive woman with red eyes. She was smiling at Mabel.

 “My, what soft skin you have~” she licked her lips, Mabel wasn’t sure if it was hungrily or sexually meant; maybe it was both. “Though, I wonder why Cipher’s alright with me eating you…” the woman frowned in thought. “Perhaps you’ll be able to shed some light on that,” she snapped her fingers, and suddenly Mabel was able to speak again.

 “W… what do you want?” Mabel asked carefully, trying to take deep breaths despite the invisible weight still on her chest.

 “Huh, that’s weird,” the woman tilted her head in honest confusion. “Usually the first thing people say to me is ‘Please don’t hurt me’, or a variation of that.”

 “What can I do to make you spare me?” Mabel inquired.

 “So, you wanna make a deal?” the woman smirked and rubbed her hands together. “Very interesting… Alright. Here’s the thing, I’m a soul-eating demon. I had a tendency to gorge myself, so my mom sent me to live here, hoping my uncle, hoping he would curb my addiction. He has, because he’s a greedy asshole that hogs all the souls!” the woman shouted with fury, before forcing herself to calm down. “And I can’t eat the souls of the guests, because then he’d know. Luckily, my uncle has two chambers on the hotel’s highest floor where he keeps his soul collection. Unfortunately, I can’t enter those rooms because a magic ward he’s placed on them. If you promise to go to one of those chambers and bring me just one soul to eat, I won’t bother you again. So, do we have a deal?”

 The woman snapped her fingers again, and Mabel finally felt the weight lift from her chest, and with it she was able to move once again.

 “Can you show me where those chambers are?” Mabel asked, sitting up in bed.

 “Nope, that’s not how things work around here,” the woman shook her head. “You have to find it yourself.”

 “Well, I don’t have much of a choice, do I?” Mabel sighed and nodded. “I’ll… find you a soul to eat.”

 “Great!” the woman cheered and grabbed Mabel’s hand. A small spark of light emerged from her grip, but it disappeared as fast as it came. “My name is Saki, by the way,” she laughed and spun around out of pure joy before opening the door leading to the hallway. “Oh, and our deal only apply to us; everyone else still want to get you, so try not to die before you get me my soul, okay?”

 And with that, she left Mabel alone.

[verdigrisprowl]

Jan 2 Lost Light Stream - Transformers Prime 37-40

Prowl is slowly working to overcome his fear reaction to the appearance of Insecticons, by focusing on Knock Out instead when they show up. Chromedome didn’t come, which made things easier.

He theorized on why the Nemesis’s reaction to dark energon was different than other bots’, winced repeatedly at Knock Out’s pain, played along when half the room attempted to convince Wheeljack that Prowl is a ghost, and agreed to get pictures for Soundwave of Earth’s progress rebuilding New York City.

Soundwave suggested that Prowl might be able to win a phase shifter in their proposed testing-Soundwave’s-security game.

Welcome to the 'lostlightstream' room. Shockwave II changed their nickname to Shockbox. Shockbox changed their nickname to Shockbox. Rodimus: *music so emo* Shockbox: (( oh boy you guys.)) Shockbox: (( today's the day.)) Airachnid: [sneaks in] ItsyBitsySpyers: ((OH BOY OH BOY MY BOY)) Shockbox: (( the day we get to see **the best character** make his first appearance.)) Rodimus: *points at the spide* Rodimus: You been mising! ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave trudges in, nods to the others already there, and settles into his usual couch in the back. It's going to be an... interesting night.* Rodimus: We been seeing you be a better Starscream Airachnid: I was otherwise engaged. Whirl: *trots in and immediately stakes his claim of the Whirl Couch* Airachnid: aka mun was playing Moon)) FakeProwl: *appears. today, he's doing a far more thorough check of the room than usual before looking for a seat* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Zori sees Airachnid and shoots RIGHT for Whirl* Rodimus: *rubs chin then smirks* Hey Soundwave I heard this rumour recently... Does you Skywarp push others down stairs? ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave pings Prowl hello - no mnemosurgeons that he can see now - and looks to Rodimus* Whirl: *perks up!* Hey, Professor! ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Our Skywarp is missing. Again.]] FakeProwl: ((check the rafters)) Rodimus: Huh--- welll when he is unmissing ItsyBitsySpyers: ((lmao)) ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Sometimes.]] ItsyBitsySpyers: ((hope you had fun with moon airachnid mun!!)) Shockbox: *He enters and makes his way towards the couch closest to the front.* Windchill: *APPEARS.* Whirl: ((YE 8) )) ItsyBitsySpyers: *Buzzsaw settles near his new Intellectual Friend.* FakeProwl: *well. it looks clear. for now.* Whirl: *he will graciously make room for Zori and swivel his head around for the usual crowd* Whirl: *let's jam everyone on the couch tonight. COUCH PARTY* Airachnid: it was! I loved it)) ItsyBitsySpyers: *Also, you know that whole time marker and description thing? For the Insecticons? Prowl's getting them again.* FakeProwl: *sits with Soundwave between himself and the door* Rodimus: You ever hear stories of -who- he pushed down some stairs? Windchill: *Make room for his butt, Whirl. It's coming.* FakeProwl: *MORE tonight? oh, fantastic. he'll probably walk out into the hall by himself and run into chromedome.* Shockbox: *Nods at buzzsaw.* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Just turn your optics off. He can notify you.* Windchill: (( I might be slow to respond to things, my net is being RATHER UNFORGIVING tonight. )) FakeProwl: *that's what he plans on doing* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Knows Prowl is an avatar but will keep the avatar 'safe' anyway. Rumble and Frenzy join Whirl, Windchill, and Zori* ItsyBitsySpyers: [[It'd be easier to ask who he -didn't- mess with, Rodimus.]] Whirl: Hey, Rodders, you taking requests? ItsyBitsySpyers: [[And not every trick was so lightsparked.]] Whirl: *eexcellent. There's probably going to be some piling up since there's so many people on the couch bbut Whirl is prepared to be a seat if need be.* Whirl: ...*for rumbble and/or Frenzy. And Zori. Sorry Windchill, he'll die if you sit on him* Rodimus: Oh? *snickers* Sounds like you got stories! I been slumming it for new ones myself! FakeProwl: @Soundwave «I'll leave my avatar idle while those scenes are on. If he comes in while I'm unalert, warn me.» Windchill: *Many people can be piled on Windchill as well.* Windchill: *Are you calling his butt big, bro?* Whirl: *No. I'm calling it gargantuan and also deadly* Rodimus: *looks over to whirl* Ueah I can play one for you, whatcha want? Windchill: *He will accept this as a compliment.* ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl: (txt): Understood. If departure not wanted, comfort given during Unicron session returned. ItsyBitsySpyers: *He doesn't know whether Prowl values appearance over distance* Bruin: *has arrived, and remembered his giant cushion so over to the far wall they all go* Whirl: This Magic Moment--the Drifter's version. Whirl: But Lou Reed's ain't half bad, either. Rodimus: ...Really? Rodimus: ok ItsyBitsySpyers: [[There was the time he found Tracks comatose after a battle and replaced his wheels with much, much smaller ones.]] Whirl: Yeah, it's different, but all right. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[He was scolded for allowing Tracks to live, but the footage of Tracks' return trip to base -was- entertaining.]] Whirl: He's got a really unusual voice. Haven't listened to a lot of Lou, though. Rodimus: Its so sappy silentsoundy: --heh-- Whirl: ...OH. You mean the song--well, yeah. *deadpan look* A lot of good songs ARE love songs. Just works out that way. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Laserbeak zooms over to Bruin. Not to his helm though, no. She remembers better.* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Nods a greeting to his alternate.* FakeProwl: @Soundwave «No comfort. If I stay, I don't want to give him any indication that we're close.» Whirl: *he will not sing over it, though; the room is spared* Rodimus: *crinkles nose* Erth does mostly write those silentsoundy: --Alternate-- ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl: (txt): Understood. Shockbox: *3/4 waves present.* Bruin: *good Spotter is fine with the company so long as no helm perchihng is attempted* Whirl: *shrugs* I mean, yeah, it's sappy, but d'you hear that harmony? Those STRINGS? Whirl: *Whirl doesn't mind sap, either, but he is not gonna ADVERTISE that* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Pleased Whirl can appreciate these things* Whirl: *everyone should appreciate the Drifters* Windchill: *He's crossing his legs. Anyone with a mind to sit on him, which is no-one, is losing their opening.* Whirl: *will lean back and prop his feet up on that lap, as per usual* Once again, I offer all denizens of my couch the use of my lovely footstool. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Sounds like a Velocitronian song.* Rodimus: I like music that more in time with me I hate slow ones! Windchill: Really? Windchill: I thought you were rather slow. ItsyBitsySpyers: //Heheheh.// Whirl: I like multi-layered songs, myself. Once that have a whle lot of moving components, when they all come together, it's pretty cool. Whirl: ...*SNICKERS; OHH WINDCHILL, U DONE DID IT* Rodimus: *sideeyes WC* What? Windchill: *Banned from the Lost Light forever.* Windchill: I said, I thought you were slow. Whirl: You two should race. Rodimus: Obviously you must be then~ silentsoundy: --oh, this tune he rather enjoys-- Windchill: It wouldn't be much of a race. Rodimus: What is even your alt mode Chill? ItsyBitsySpyers: *Ravage decides to go sit with the alternate. It's been some time and, well. His own carrier unit is occupied.* Windchill: I'm a seeker, can't you tell? FakeProwl: *for the record, Prowl is currently about 85% convinced that Whirl and Windchill have an ongoing Dom/sub relationship of some kind* FakeProwl: *it's the whole living furniture thing they've got going on* Rodimus: That... that isnt an alt mode thats a job ItsyBitsySpyers: *Prowl's not the only one.* Windchill: It's a frame type, means my alternate mode is a jet. Rodimus: Even I can say "Ima seeker" big deal Windchill: Not where I'm from, you can't. Rules might be different here. Rodimus: I race wheels not wings Windchill: *You people keep your thoughts to yourself, WEIRDOS.* Windchill: Why, because you know you'll lose? FakeProwl: *says whirl's footrest* Rodimus: Heh so you are a jet ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave's already shaking his helm. This was one of his former Lord's stupidest moments.* Airachnid: Oh I missed my alternate failing miserably. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Be thankful.]] Whirl: *OMFG PROWL LMAO* Rodimus: *that explains some things* Airachnid: I like to laugh at her. Whirl: He's a Blackbird, presently. Windchill: I already said that I was. Rodimus: Megs dont frag your ship Shockbox: *Tilts his head at the screen.* Whirl: Really goddamned fast. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[In that case, he will send you the relevant clips before you leave.]] ItsyBitsySpyers: [[A question, Shockwave?]] Airachnid: Very well. Windchill: *He'S NOT WEIRD HE'S NORMAl. YOU PERVS.* Whirl: *he'll also swivel his helm around to bob it at Airachnid; her absence was noted* Airachnid: ..hello Whirl. Whirl: *(BE QUIET FOOTSTOOL* Windchill: *NO* Windchill: *NOBODY IS THE BOSS OF HIM.* Whirl: Hey, Legs. Highgloss: Oh! Look what I walked in on! FakeProwl: *don't worry, prowl is accepting of your kinky lifestyle* ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Greetings, Knock Out.]] Highgloss: Lovely. Always a pleasure to remember. Shockbox: Negative. I am merely interesed in this 'dark energon'. FakeProwl: *hECK. it's the hot doctor.* Shockbox: ((*interested )) Airachnid: [cringes] Highgloss: And to you, Soundwave. Windchill: *You walked in on Windchill not being embarassed when he ought, congratulations.* Rodimus: *hops up on the back of his couch and perches* agooddistraction: what's happenin ItsyBitsySpyers: [[The literal fuel of Unicron, Shockwave. A corrupting, enslaving force never to be touched.]] Windchill: Anyway, my point still stands. Whirl: Is. Windchill: Rodimus...is slow. Whirl: Wait, Whirl: Is he... did I miss something. Is he--*antenna pins back* Whirl: *IS HE FUCCIN THAT SHIP U GUYS* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Of all the nights for Knock Out to visit, it's the one with - well. They'll see.* Rodimus: I am not race me on wheels FakeProwl: *side glance at Soundwave. did you hear the thing shockwave just said. obviously you did but Did You Hear That* Windchill: Why should I stoop to your level?

Missed some.

ItsyBitsySpyers: [[He foolishly believed the power he gained was worth losing ownership of his spark and his reason.]] Airachnid: Megatron. Rodimus: Come in a hang out we are watching a case bad choices! Windchill: *Please calm yourself.* Airachnid: Why. Whirl: ...This ship is awesome. Windchill: *Snorts.* agoodidstraction: zapped Bruin: Ouch Rodimus: OH YEAH THAT REMINDS ME! agoodidstraction: yapped his zap Windchill: You say that, but you haven't seen 'im in root mode. Whirl: *snickers* I didn't know you guys' ship was alive. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[If only your mouth could be.]] FakeProwl: *idle mode* ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Our ship was not alive. It was Trypticon. Deceased. In an alternate form.]] ItsyBitsySpyers: [[...What was your ship, Knock Out?]] FakeProwl: *annnd back* Shockbox: As impressive as this iteration of Lord Megatron is, it does seem he is less...hinged. Highgloss: It was. Shockbox: *muttering.* Highgloss: Regrettably. agoodidstraction: zap the yaps agoodidstraction: oh frag red zapped Whirl: Ohh. Highgloss: Hmm. I always wondered how it got me. Highgloss: One of life's little mysteries solved. Whirl: Hmm. Interesting. When you use dark energon to resurrect a ormal-sized Cybertronian, they're just. ravenous. Dumb. Windchill: *Snorts.* Whirl: But the ship wasn't. I wonder why that is. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[He believes it was possessed.]] Whirl: By Unicron himself? Rodimus: Or blow the ship up? Whirl: Seems to have its own agenda, though. Wouldn;t Unicron have immediately just attacked Megatron? *taps the underside of his helm thoughtfully* Whirl: AND THERE, that--Unicron KNEW about humans. Seemed to be able to perceive them. FakeProwl: What would Unicron want with the Iaconian relics? Airachnid: Unicron was most likely still in some form of stasis. FakeProwl: Perhaps those infected with dark energon are reduced to their base instincts. agoodidstraction: doc knock Highgloss: Ugh. Ughhhh. Windchill: *Crosses his fingers.* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Hmm. These are good points.* agoodidstraction: i'm sorry red Highgloss: UGH. FakeProwl: A Cybertronian's base instincts would be to feed. FakeProwl: A ship's base instincts would be... whatever task it was last programmed for. agoodidstraction: and frag ItsyBitsySpyers: *Oh, listen to that reasoning. It's good reasoning.* agoodidstraction: anyone here ever fragged a ship before Airachnid: No. Rodimus: *raise hand* FakeProwl: *... he's not raising his hand. it would just encourage wheeljack.* Windchill: *Shakes his head.* FakeProwl: But you said your ship was a Cybertronian? Was his brain module removed or reprogrammed? ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Reprogrammed.]] agoodidstraction: fragging a ship would probably just kill you though wouldn't it FakeProwl: *nods* Perhaps that would do it. agoodidstraction: why are humans always toast? ItsyBitsySpyers: //Cuz they burn easy.// Whirl: Well, yeah, but your points, Prowl, would make sense if it was reanimated, like I suggested. Highgloss: I imagine ours would be bad in berth. ItsyBitsySpyers: //Pffft.// Rodimus: Your ship seems liek a dom! Whirl: If it was POSSESSED, then it wouldn't have a ship's instincts; it wouldn't have any instincts except for those of the possessor. Highgloss: Clumsy, clammy hands, then he'd go around telling all his friends you loved it. ItsyBitsySpyers: \\SO WHEELJACK.\\ FakeProwl: If it was possessed, then it would be doing its possessor's will. Windchill: *the what* agoodidstraction: but is fragging while possessed any good agoodidstraction: yeah? FakeProwl: Unicron, so far as we know, has no need for the Iaconian relics; and he WOULD know to keep an optic out for humans. FakeProwl: Reanimation appears more likely. Highgloss: Apologies, Wheeljack, for how hard I laughed at that. ItsyBitsySpyers: *No, no, Frenzy was insulting you WJ.* ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Reanimation then. It is still vile.]] agoodidstraction: bj agoodidstraction: no keep laughing Airachnid: Indeed. Rodimus: I dont think i'd analog frag a ship... I PnP'd him agoodidstraction: hey airachnid ya old *** Whirl: *nods slowly; Whirl finds it more interesting than anything else* agoodidstraction: ever spider *** a possessed ship before Whirl: *and he likes the ship's attitude, what can he say* Airachnid: ..... what is it Wheeljack? Whirl: ((THE BUTT)) Whirl: *LAUGHS* Airachnid: I have not. Jitterbun: ((Butt butt) Jitterbun: (And There goes Trypticon)) Whirl: *he is also no gonna join in on this fragging  aship convo* agoodidstraction: would you? Airachnid: No. agoodidstraction: lame Airachnid: I don't exist to amuse you. Whirl: *snickers* agoodidstraction: okay *** ItsyBitsySpyers: [[He must know. Had you already woken?]] Jitterbun: What exactly was it that froze 'em all? Jitterbun: -ah! agoodidstraction: hahhfe hasdbla agoodidstraction: doc Whirl: *LAUGHS AGAIN* agoodidstraction: what just happened Rodimus: Hey KO's got some handy hand holds for humans *smirks* Whirl: Everybody getting their afts handed to em tonight! Windchill: Beautiful. Rodimus: *laughs Ratchet plz* Airachnid: [that amused her a lot] Shockbox: *And the aesop for this episode? Do not feed nonsentient machines with dark energon and make sure your security systems know to check for organics.* Shockbox: *Shockbox feels educated.* Highgloss: Those handy hand holds are *not* for humans. Those were not consensual handy-holds. Jitterbun: Geeze, always with the violence and arms race's with ya'll ItsyBitsySpyers: *Shockbox is a quick learner.* Windchill: *Also, maybe, killing someone and using their corpse as your space boat is a bad idea as a matter of principle.* Shockbox: *Naturally.* Rodimus: *looks Knockout over and then grins* Fair enough FakeProwl: *... that begs the question of who the hand holds are for. sideways glance at the hot doctor.* ItsyBitsySpyers: *...Now, look. Nobody thought he was going to be doing that.* Whirl: Yep. That's what we're best at, Jitter. *zoops his neck up over the couch to try and locate Jitter* Rodimus: *engine purrs at he other speedster* agoodidstraction: oh boy FakeProwl: *he is, unfortunately, even more attractive in person.* Windchill: RUDE. Windchill: *It's true though, he's never met a personable Insecticon.* Shockbox: *Lost Light Stream: otherwise known as Everybody Wants to Frag Knockout* Windchill: *WRONG.* Jitterbun: *Unphased he nods jovially towards the outstreched neck.* .... agoodidstraction: face man Shockbox: *Correction: The Majority Would Frag Knockout* Jitterbun: Sorry t' speak for all ya, but the Doc's got some high standards. Airachnid: [thank you] Rodimus: ...Even our has subways ItsyBitsySpyers: *"Face man": exactly what Soundwave isn't.* FakeProwl: ((you can't read everyone's minds, jitter)) Airachnid: [then again, she doesn't want to frag anyone] Jitterbun: ((Whopse didn't see the * there) Highgloss: Ugh. I can smell that awful city through the screen. Windchill: *Nods.* agoodidstraction: zap ItsyBitsySpyers: [[What -did- it smell of?]] Windchill: Big feet problems. Jitterbun: ((Purple Eradicons~) Whirl: *also looks over, curious; he's never sniffed a human city* Rodimus: I never been to New York it was trashed before I got the chance! *huffs* Airachnid: [it's not that great] Windchill: That's almost fortunate. Highgloss: Hot dog water, among other things. ItsyBitsySpyers: =Ugh.= Whirl: *LAUGHS* Listen to her! FakeProwl: ((vogel is the best human in the show)) Whirl: Right off the bat, just lying her face blue! What a little trooper. Whirl: ((Fowler tho..................... but yeah Vogel is great 8) )) ItsyBitsySpyers: @Rodimus: [[Your Decepticons managed to destroy the city?]] Windchill: Everything is from outer space. Rodimus: *laughing* Windchill: Even I'm from outer space. Whirl: Not me. Whirl: I'm from Polyhex. FakeProwl: *is attempting to power it through the insecticon screens by focusing on knock out. he's gotta desensitize himself to insecticons somehow.* Jitterbun: What's all this tech doin' on the planet anyway? Whirl: That's cool, the crawling on the ceiling thing. FakeProwl: *it's helping a little.* Airachnid: Who knows. Shockbox: *Everything is technically from space, because everything is technicaly /in/ space.* Windchill: Yeah, it's...something. Jitterbun: *Obviously not watching the pervious epsides leaves him out of hte loop.* Whirl: ((omg careful prowl. You're gonna Pavlov yourself and every time you hear a WALALLA you gonna get honry)) Airachnid: Why Cybertron and this mudball are connected so much who knows. ItsyBitsySpyers: ((OMG)) Highgloss: Dear Unicron, I look good. Windchill: Thanks, Shockwave. FakeProwl: ((better a boner than a panic attack)) Windchill: ** agoodidstraction: yeah you do Whirl: They explained it a lot of episodes ago, Jitter. Long story. Windchill: *Forgot those ItsyBitsySpyers: }}A fine choice of weaponry, Doctor.{{ Whirl: Yeah, gotta give credit where it's due. *swivels his helm around and flips KO a lazy salute* Highgloss: Thank you, thank you! silentsoundy: --motions a farewell towards his Alternate before taking his leave-- Jitterbun: //DELTA// *He'll settle down behind good company now. Those are some vicious mechaoids* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Bobs his helm to his alternate. Do come again.* Windchill: *Rubs his eyebrows* Rodimus: *hmm? oh!* @SW ::Let's just said our kinda was very not welcome there! I'll see if I can get pic lata:: Shockbox: *we're back to half of our maximum wave-age* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Acknowledging ping. Thank you, Rodimus.* Whirl: *if you can find room here on the couch Whirl won't kick you off, Jitter. Granted, he's using Windchill as furniture at two minicons are probably using HIM as furniture. And there's a giant scorpion* Windchill: *There's totally room.* agoodidstraction: oh Rodimus: Doc you are pretty sleek--- but seems you may need *winces* agoodidstraction: ouch Airachnid: [LAUGHS] Jitterbun: *WINCES* Windchill: *Curls his upper lip* FakeProwl: *wince. partially at the paint. mostly at the sound it made.* ItsyBitsySpyers: //Oof.// Jitterbun: ..y'know, I'm thinkin' iI'm not real fond of the documentary type films. Rodimus: ---Some hand-tohand work. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Glances at Prowl. Inquisitive ping.* ItsyBitsySpyers: \\HOW COME?\\ FakeProwl: *?* FakeProwl: *counter-inquisitiveness* ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl: (txt): Prowl winced. Unexpected. Knock Out: Decepticon. Whirl: (9YES)) Whirl: You've got some pretty good moves with that polearm, though. FakeProwl: @Soundwave «It looked painful.» Whirl: *Whirl is not perhaps as attracted toKO as Prowl & Others but he has his merits* Jitterbun: *There is some releif in watching a fellow twowheeler tearin' up the dirt* Windchill: You gotta admit, Trouble would be a pretty good name. Rodimus: Knock Out whats your earth alt? Or it a costum? ItsyBitsySpyers: *Nod. This security tape comes with some serious sympathy cringe feelings.* FakeProwl: ((i like how it's Prowl & Others. like everyone else's attraction is a footnote compared to this thirst.)) Whirl: Yeah! I named my Flobster Trouble. Whirl: ((It is. DO YOU REMEMBER LAST NIGHT)) FakeProwl: ((I REMEMBER LAST NIGHT.)) FakeProwl: ((dem seatbelts)) Rodimus: ((roddi's was hte metal on metal noise Windchill: *He's not just saying that because naming things, Insecticons specifically, is something he'll be doing in the near future. Shockbox: (( sounds like prowl needs to take a sip. )) Whirl: ((Highgloss, last night during a stream of mine I put a still of KO's neck on the screen and played "Let's Get it On" in the background,)) Whirl: ((for reference)) FakeProwl: ((and made hearts around it with the cursor)) Whirl: *GRUBCHILD. SOON* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Brief moment of admiration for Arcee.* Airachnid: [gives a quiet hiss at the screen] Highgloss: Beautiful. Well done. Whirl: *CAN'T WAIT TO TEACH NEICE GRUBCHILD BAD HABITS* Airachnid: [why did it have to be Arcee] Whirl: ((yes i did that too. and also did that with Soundwave and his pivot)) Windchill: *WHY DO YOU KEEP STEALING ALL THE GOOD NAMES THOUGH, WHIRL.* Whirl: *BECAUSE I'M EXCELLENT AT NAMING THINGS* Jitterbun: ...do mecha in this universe make a habbit of ejectin' anythign in their cockpits durring transformation, or is it just him? Whirl: Yeah, you guys' Arcee is a badass, too. Windchill: *CURSE YOOOOOOU.* agoodidstraction: kjsdf FakeProwl: @Soundwave «I want one of those.» Jitterbun: *And that's a fairily anDY TOOL dangit poor mecha* FakeProwl: *also: another cringe for knock out.* Windchill: Ow. Windchill: ((HELP.)) Jitterbun: He's lucky thats all that happened. ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl: (txt): Perhaps if Prowl wins security game. Whirl: ((VOGEL'S FACE WHEN HE SAYS THAT)) Highgloss: And that one eventually landed me in the operating room. Windchill: (( I think we were all Vogel in that moment tho )) Highgloss: Thank you for that one, Autobots. FakeProwl: *oh well now he's Incentivized* Whirl: You're lucky you were going up against THOSE softies, Doc. Whirl: I don't LET my enemies retreat. Highgloss: And how's that worked out for you so far? Whirl: *this statement would probably seem more badass if Wghirl wasn't buried under a bunch of ex-Decepticons* Rodimus: Alot less enemies Whirl: I'm still here, they're not. So, pretty good, I'd say. Airachnid: [rolls optics] I hate suckups. Whirl: Ugh, I know, right? Windchill: Oh my god, he's back. Whirl: ...also, question. *swivels is helm around* How come he never considered YOU for the job, Chatterbox? FakeProwl: *well, he's got guts.* Highgloss: Oh, you absolute aft...*why?* Windchill: *All good things must come to an end.* Airachnid: What a coward. FakeProwl: *... never mind. no he doesn't.* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave's plating ripples in a shiver. The antarctic.* Airachnid: I've operated on myself plenty of times. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[For which job?]] Shockbox: *Shakes his head. Of course starscream wouldn't be able to do it.* Whirl: Second in Command. agoodidstraction: who is she Whirl: You obviously were loyal. You seemed pretty competent, too. Ship-related mishaps aside. *that was spoken with faint amusement* agoodidstraction: ydd agoodidstraction: yeehaww!!! agoodidstraction: yeah! Windchill: *Spits.* agoodidstraction: i'm cpabal agoodidstraction: ??? Whirl: Let's see your moves, then, Wheeljack. Rodimus: Megs apparently needs his secound to not be as nuts as him Shockbox: (( oh boy one of the best parts. )) Windchill: *Steeples his claws before his pursed lips.* Windchill: *What is he seeing?* agoodidstraction: i'll show youmy moves Whirl: For the record, I still find the fact that you're a Wrecker the most hilarious thing about your dimension. You know what OUR Wheeljack is like? A nerd. A total nerd. Rodimus: But only slightly FakeProwl: ((his fricking scooter)) agoodidstraction: i used to be a nerd Whirl: ...well, I meant in regards to the documentary, but if you wanna fight, then hell yeah, I'll fight ya. Airachnid: Do you not realize that you went AWOL? ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Primarily because he didn't want it.]] Windchill: *It's almost hard to believe these two are the same frametype.* Windchill: *Much less the same as HIMSELF.* Whirl: *he definitely noticed THAT* Whirl: *tilts his head* ... fair. And, y'know. It's pretty obvious that you only listened to the SIC when you felt like it. Whirl: *it;'s one of your better qualities* ItsyBitsySpyers: [[It was also not a position for a mech like him. His skills were best utilized elsewhere, and... he was not always worthy of being watched as closely as the SICs.]] Whirl: ((...what he noticed what Soundwave listening when he felt like it. Thanks LS)) Windchill: (( Dreadwing's flipping OWL FEET. )) Whirl: *nods again* Gotcha. Rodimus: *pew pew* Whirl: *man it's a shame that Dreadwing's such a disgusting syncophant because otherwise. Wgirl could Properly Appreciate someone firing a weapon like that* Whirl: *alas, his attitude is so UNattractive* Windchill: Why. Whirl: This must be fight night or something. Rodimus: Ha! Whirl: Not that I'm complaining, mind you. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Something like that.]] Windchill: Did he forget he could fly? Windchill: Or is he just slow? Windchill: *Everyone is slow, what is he talking about.* Rodimus: Hawt Whirl: ha. Whirl: ((ALL CAPS REQUIRED)) Whirl: *HA Whirl: Nice, Airachnid: Even Prime hates Starscream's groveling. agoodidstraction: bixx agoodidstraction: soundwave ItsyBitsySpyers: [[What.]] agoodidstraction: who is she ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Who is who?]] FakeProwl: *did Optimus forget that a few weeks ago they were trying to take Starscream in as an ally?* agoodidstraction: reALLy ItsyBitsySpyers: *Evidently. He never understood why they didn't try again.* FakeProwl: *and that the only reason they didn't was because his own subordinate ruined their chances?* Whirl: Ah, what a lovely sound. Airachnid: I think it was a much longer time period. FakeProwl: *it's inconsistent and it's foolish.* Windchill: You would think so. Whirl: Their human guy isn't too shabby, either. Airachnid: Also, Starscream would have just stabbed them in the back eventually. ItsyBitsySpyers: *It is a Prime.* Rodimus: I wish our whip was that cold again.... Rodimus: *EXCUSE YOU* agoodidstraction: whoa Rodimus: ((ship* omg ItsyBitsySpyers: //So they drain him of info 'n terminate 'im before he does the stabby stabby.// agoodidstraction: soundwave you got inhibitors ItsyBitsySpyers: //Ain't that how it's done?// ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Not with him. Why?]] agoodidstraction: i'm gonna die Whirl: Huh. Whirl: *eyes this armor skepitcally* Whirl: Looks awful stiff. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[He will be sure to play something appropriate at your funeral.]] Windchill: Great, now he looks like a doughboy. Windchill: I'd say it's an improvement. agoodidstraction: if i die you can't kill me ItsyBitsySpyers: [[The Doctor is still here, he thinks. Ask him.]] Airachnid: I imagine it isn't that maneuverable. Whirl: Yeah, ad maneuverability, as you can no doubt tell, is my forte. Airachnid: We get it. You killed Cliffjumper. Airachnid: I don't even brag about my kills that much in front of Acee. Windchill: His lone achievement. *Hand over boob.* agoodidstraction: he's grabbin him like a doll FakeProwl: @Soundwave «The Decepticons invented Apex Armor?» Whirl: I can't even remember all the kills I've made. I didn't get all of their names, either. Whirl: *shakes his head* Must be a sad existence. Being Starscream. Airachnid: I imagine it is. Rodimus: IMa speed and grace guy myself too Windchill: Sure you are. agoodidstraction: hdgkaf agoodidstraction: good one ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl: (txt): Unclear. Early records damaged. Two stories: Solus Prime invented, Decepticons invented. Airachnid: And there are mecha that think his voice is attractive. Airachnid: I pity them. Whirl: Agreed, Legs. Whirl: I will admit--the ship had a nice voice though. agoodidstraction: oh agoodidstraction: wow agoodidstraction: i never fragged up that hard FakeProwl: @Soundwave «Does the armor have any weak point?» agoodidstraction: and my friends are all dead ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl: (txt): User. FakeProwl: *snorts* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave trembles slightly. He's amused by Wheeljack's comment* Windchill: Good grief. Windchill: Swords, man. Windchill: Ridiculous. agoodidstraction: soundwave if you're cold i'll cuddle ya ItsyBitsySpyers: //Man, what's wit' all the-// Rumble flails his arm around. //Can't he jus' sheathe the fraggin' thing?// Whirl: *sighs; it's such a damn shame that his personality is so terrible, because wow. Those moves. THE GUN. THE SWORD* ItsyBitsySpyers: [[You will NOT.]] Whirl: *SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT* Windchill: *THE SWORD IS DUMB.* Whirl: Yeah, honestly, like... swords are cool, but all the fancy twirling doesn't impress me. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave sits up and glows just a teensy bit brighter.* Windchill: It's some kind of contest, I think. Whirl: Hack someone clean in half. Then I'll be impressed. agoodidstraction: fineb itch Windchill: "My sword is bigger," you know. Whirl: ((AT LAST))

Missed some.

ItsyBitsySpyers: *PLEASED* Whirl: *snickers at the constant nicknaming* Whirl: Oh, hey, it's you, Chatterbox! ItsyBitsySpyers: *Nods his helm at Rodimus. Yes, it will. Mostly* ItsyBitsySpyers: {{Peh. Bird sleeping.}} ItsyBitsySpyers: *She drops down and docks on his back.* Whirl: 8AN AERIAL BATTLE? AT LAST* Windchill: *Only took over a season.* Rodimus: *grins @ SW* FakeProwl: *respectable maneuverability* Whirl: *it's passable* FakeProwl: ... "Surveillance drone"? agoodidstraction: heyyy Whirl: *AWW GO LASERBEAK GO* FakeProwl: Ignorance or disrespect? agoodidstraction: it's always time to be hotdogging ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Both.]] ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave sees that grin.* Windchill: *He suspects his definition of "hotdogging" is vastly different than what is suggested here.* Whirl: To be honest, I'm not surprised that y'all can outmaneuver that ship. ugh, just LOOK at it. Whirl: It's dreadful. I'm surprised it can even keep UP. Airachnid: [chinhands at Ratchet] agoodidstraction: first time he screamed in the jackhammer FakeProwl: ... *covers mouth. ratchet's scream tho.* Whirl: *flips a mournful salute* Well fought, Bird. Whirl: ...*wow did he just commend a Con. He did. Well.* Whirl: *Stranger things have happened* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave tilts his helm, passes the message on, and... Laserbeak's voice comes out of his speakers.* Windchill: If that's all it takes to down that thing, colour me unimpressed. ItsyBitsySpyers: {{...Thanking.}} Windchill: Also, pink. Whirl: Aaand yeah. Not surprised it crashed. No offence Wheeljack, but your aircraft is garbage. agoodidstraction: i miss my swords agoodidstraction: frag you ItsyBitsySpyers: *Quietly reassures her. She did very well.* Whirl: Not likely, mech. *sly look* Windchill: *Puts up his middle finger.* Whirl: You've yet to impress me. Rodimus: *glances at Laserbeak and thinks a moment then back to the screen* agoodidstraction: oh i'll impress ya agoodidstraction: i'm sexy Whirl: I'll believe it when I see it. ItsyBitsySpyers: =We are not PETS.= Bruin: *angry hissing, leave her alone* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Annoyed growl from Ravage.* Airachnid: Ratchet's so brilliant. Windchill: It's not that grand an idea. FakeProwl: *eugh.* agoodidstraction: noodles agoodidstraction: loud noodles ItsyBitsySpyers: *Appreciates Bruin's hiss. Pings him so.* ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Feelers.]] agoodidstraction: NOODLES Shockbox: (( i find it a little personally ridiculous this virus thing actually worked. )) FakeProwl: *it's a perfectly pragmatic plan, but eugh.* ItsyBitsySpyers: ((it IS ridiculous but i have to go with it)) Airachnid: because humans have to be "winners")) Whirl: *SNICKERS* Airachnid: and be better than the bad ol Decepticons)) Whirl: *LET'S STUFF A CHICKEN IN SOUNDWABE* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Long stare at Wheeljack. This one isn't responsible for doing this to her, but - such resentment fades slowly.* Whirl: *OPEN WIDE CHATTERBOX* Whirl: Dang, those feelers are versatile, mech. agoodidstraction: *stares back* Shockbox: (( because somehow a script kiddie is just as good at computers as a cybertronian master spy. )) agoodidstraction: *sticks glossa out* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Ahh. Here we are.* Windchill: Oh good, time to fight. Whirl: *OHO A FIGHT. BETWEEN THESE TWO?* agoodidstraction: yeah!!! agoodidstraction: *** ItsyBitsySpyers: *Pleased bob.* Whirl: *sits ALL THE WAY UP* agoodidstraction: let's fight Airachnid: [perks up slightly] FakeProwl: *... ooh.* Highgloss: You two couldn't have picked a better setting for it. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[We really couldn't.]] Whirl: Wicked. agoodidstraction: ohhhhh Shockbox: */Very/ impressive fighting from soundwave.* ItsyBitsySpyers: [["Be aware of your surroundings" comes to mind.]] Whirl: *snickers* FakeProwl: *shudders at the noise that thing makes.* Rodimus: I wanta spar you Noddles!! Windchill: *Crosses his arms* Whirl: *well, hot damn. Soundwave, you just went from a 6 to a solid 8 my mech* ItsyBitsySpyers: [[You will be a long time waiting.]] Rodimus: *wines* Whyyyyy ItsyBitsySpyers: *Note to self: if he ever recovers another Resonance Blaster, keep it away from Prowl.* Whirl: *WELL HOT DAMN AGAIN HOW CAN HE NOT APPRECIATE THAT PROTECTIVE INSTINCT* FakeProwl: @Soundwave «I'm beginning to get the distinct impression you were going easy on me when you let me land on you.» Whirl: *he will acknowledge it 0% though* ItsyBitsySpyers: [[He has plenty of actual fights to keep his skills honed. He does not need to spar.]] Rodimus: *pouts* Whirl: ((i have yet to hear this owl)) ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl: (txt): Not -easy-. Shockbox: (( soundwave's biolights are so gorgeous in this scene. )) Whirl: ........................ Whirl: *(CAMERA PLEASE NOT WITH THE WIGGLIES* Whirl: *PLEASE* Rodimus: Lewd~ Whirl: Well. ...er-hem. Sorry, Wheeljack. You did not impress me at all. Whirl: Better luck next time. agoodidstraction: oh whatever Whirl: Hey, I calls em as I sees em. Whirl: And I know what I'm about. Windchill: *Rolls his eyes.* Windchill: *SNORTS* Rodimus: *snorts* agoodidstraction: wow Airachnid: [LAUGHS] Rodimus: *inmature snickering* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Stare.* ItsyBitsySpyers: [[What.]] Rodimus: *hand waves* Whirl: *blinks* Shockbox: (( hackers are most usually damn good at security. still can't believe that nonsense.)). Rodimus: Now thats it for the night! Whirl: These documentaries sure love their cliffhangers. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Thank you. He enjoyed the majority of the last one.]] Highgloss: Thank you for the jaunt down memory lane! ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Do come again, Knock Out.]] Whirl: And, credit where it's due. Whirl: You kicked some skidplate, Chatterbox. *nods* Rodimus: Your both welcome! Yeah nice to see you back anytime~ *winks* ItsyBitsySpyers: @Wheeljack: [[2-0.]] ItsyBitsySpyers: *Bobs his helm.* agoodidstraction: rematch agoodidstraction: let's rematch Windchill: Sometimes... Airachnid: I do not think that will bode well for you. Whirl: I'll sell tickets! agoodidstraction: REMATCH Rodimus: Nowai! If he isnt going to give me a spar certinally not getting one! Airachnid: But, it'll be amusing. Windchill: One has to accept when they SUCKED the first time. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[And destroy his own investment? Please.]] Windchill: And move on. agoodidstraction: i don't wanna spar, i want a rematch Windchill: *Except, nobody's going to let anyone move on, ever.* FakeProwl: @Soundwave «You could probably open a space bridge straight under his feet and instantly win.» FakeProwl: @Soundwave «And—added bonus—he'd be out of the room.» Whirl: Well, if he won't, I'll fight ya, Wheeljack. Whirl: *will fight anyone, really* Shockbox: (( now you're thinking with portals. )) Whirl: *he'll fight himself if he can find another Whirl* Windchill: WHAT. ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl: (txt): Prowl, devious. Soundwave appreciates. agoodidstraction: Okay i"l fight you Windchill: You never seem to get around to fighting ME, *he points at himself.* Whirl: *perks up considerably* Hell yeah! Windchill: But you'll go fight that moron? Whirl: I'll fight you, too. Whirl: Both of you. At the same time. Windchill: I'm offended. FakeProwl: @Soundwave «I prefer "practical."» *but there's a thin smirk* Whirl: Anyone else want some? *clicks his claws aggressively* Airachnid: [she needs to find a way to watch this and now] Whirl: You were asking for a sparring partner, Rodders, I'll fight YOU. Rodimus: I can spar you anytime... *bored flop* Windchill: I'm not teaming up with him. ItsyBitsySpyers: \\NAH. TOO EASY.\\ Rodimus: I want NEW ones! Windchill: A three-way, MAYBE. agoodidstraction: did you call me a moron Windchill: I did, moron. Whirl: Pfft, you talk a big game, Frenzy. agoodidstraction: i know you are but what am i Windchill: A loser. Whirl: ((oh *** that reminds me they DID have a fighting thrad)) FakeProwl: @Soundwave «Maybe wait until they dogpile each other and bridge them all out at once.» Whirl: ((appropriately it was right after whirl said "yeah i'd boink Frenzy")) agoodidstraction: i'm not a loser Whirl: ((I will get to hat)) ItsyBitsySpyers: ((yes they do)) Windchill: Are you certain? ItsyBitsySpyers: *Be still his beating spark. Prowl, he can't headbump you here. Stop saying delightful things.* Windchill: I believe we all just witnessed you LOSING. Whirl: I'll fight this entire room! Airachnid: No thank you. Rodimus: *sprawling speedster ozzing onto the floor* agoodidstraction: okay i lost this one but Windchill: We know, Whirl, we know. *Pats his foot, reassuringly. We know.* Whirl: Aww, really legs? *swivels his helm over* You look like you'd be a fun fight. Whirl: You've got some moves, yourself. FakeProwl: *politely lifts his feet out of the way of the Rodimus ooze* ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Join them, Rodimus.]] Windchill: There's no buts. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[It could be amusing.]] agoodidstraction: red agoodidstraction: is he still in here Airachnid: I would rather not. Shockbox: *Clasps his hands and observes the ruckus.* Rodimus: Meh--- just sounds like Swerve's rn and I can get that tommorrow agoodidstraction: knock out Whirl: *also SW we all know what'd happen if you interrupted whirl's fight with a bridge. Doing that means you Join the Fight* Whirl: Suit yourself. Airachnid: Maybe another time. Windchill: Pfft! agoodidstraction: ffrag Whirl: *optic flickers* Hey, just lemme know, mech! Whirl: I'd like that. Windchill: DISGUSTING. Whirl: ...are you talking to me, Windchill? Windchill: Naturally. Rodimus: *so bored and huffy now sitting on the floor* Whirl: *hey, you were given an offer and you turned it down* Windchill: *HE'S NOT TEAMING UP WITH AN AUTOBOT TO FIGHT YOU.* Rodimus: *he can fight whirl whenever! he wanted new ppl!* Whirl: *SUIT YOURSELF* Windchill: Do I not get first dibs? ItsyBitsySpyers: *Why not fight the Wheeljack?* Whirl: And what about you, Chatterbox? I'd take you AND your team on. *swivels his helm again* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave would looooove to see that.* Rodimus: *cause he already saw him loss!* Windchill: I will fight. Windchill: If I have to. Windchill: EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM. Windchill: And PROVE TO YOU. agoodidstraction: GO ItsyBitsySpyers: [[You would lose. We -earned- second place in the Pits.]] Windchill: It's me you should be fighting. FakeProwl: *flatly* Pass. agoodidstraction: fight fight fight fight fight agoodidstraction: no prowl fight me agoodidstraction: fight ifght Whirl: You think I'd walk away from a fight like that? Pfft. Whirl: That's all the more reason to DO it. ItsyBitsySpyers: \\SOMEBODY JUS' PUNCH -SOMETHIN'-, PRIMUS.\\ agoodidstraction: FIGHT Rodimus: *great now it does sound like swerves* Airachnid: [she's gonna back away, just in case] Windchill: *PUNCHES HIS OWN FIST, HAPPY?* ItsyBitsySpyers: *YEAH SORTA?* FakeProwl: ... *sighs* Soundwave, may I use you for a demonstration? You don't have to move. agoodidstraction: *NO PUNCH HIM* Windchill: *GOOD ENOUGH.* Rodimus: Take it to the training halls first I dont have the pits set up here Windchill: Consider me Windchill: MORTALLY OFFENDED. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave glances to Prowl. What's this then...?* agoodidstraction: punch me ItsyBitsySpyers: *He'll trust his ally. A nod.* Whirl: I might never have fought in the pits, Chatterbox, but I survived the Dead End. I wouldn't count me out. ItsyBitsySpyers: //Wait, you got a Pit in the hall?// Windchill: *Groans loudly and flops back in his seat, DRAMATICALLY.* FakeProwl: *looks straight at Wheeljack. lifts up one hand. observe.* Rodimus: We got a small one at Swerve's FakeProwl: *sticks hand through Soundwave's arm. waves it around a little.* FakeProwl: You can't fight me. ItsyBitsySpyers: *OH well okay that was. Unexpected.* Whirl: Oh, yeah. We forgot to tell you, Wheeljack. Our ship is haunted. FakeProwl: *withdraws hand.* Rodimus: Porwl ghost Whirl: By the ghost of Prowl, may Heqet rest his spark. Windchill: Yeah, by a big baby who won't fight us. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[It would be a fight, Whirl, not a survival game.]] Shockbox: *but will wheeljack presume prowl is using a phase shifter?* FakeProwl: *opens mouth.* ... *shuts mouth. he's not going to argue.* Rodimus: He is really dead--- *shakes helm( So tragic ItsyBitsySpyers: //I wanna see this Swerve Pit. Ain't nobody told me ya got one.// Whirl: Same difference, in the Dead End, mech. agoodidstraction: what Windchill: What what, in the butt. agoodidstraction: ? agoodidstraction: ?? Whirl: If you don't WANT to, you can just say so. But your intimidation talk is having the opposite effect you think it does. Whirl: Sometimes, I think I can still hear his voice... Rodimus: Check the screen ItsyBitsySpyers: //Pfff! Ya call that a PIT?// FakeProwl: *flatly* It was a traumatic end. Windchill: Looks like any old bar, BORING. agoodidstraction: ??? Windchill: Though, granted. Whirl: It was a freak peanut butter accident. Windchill: It's not so boring once you start fighting in it. ItsyBitsySpyers: //Where's all the spires? The flamin' trash piles? The giant spikes?// Rodimus: That middle table collapses in a small pit for wrestling mostly ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave invents an obituary for Prowl on the spot and places it on his screen.* Windchill: You couldn't even fit ME in that thing. FakeProwl: *oh, leans forward to read it.* agoodidstraction: but he's right there????? Rodimus: Guess we didnt get the Koan package mech. *shrugs with a grin* ItsyBitsySpyers: *It's mostly a serious tale of overheating due to peanut butter clogged vents and exploding. There are a few flattering details though.* FakeProwl: *... sits back. covers mouth.* Rodimus: @SW ::May story for his death was better* Whirl: *hand over spark* We're so fortunate to still have his ghost with us. To... share his. Ghostly wisdom. Whirl: And perform humorous parlor tricks. ItsyBitsySpyers: \\WHAT, AIN'T NOBODY TOLJA 'BOUT GHOSTS? AIN'T YOU FRAGGIN' THE BEE WITH THE FLOATIN' SPARKSCREAM?\\ Rodimus: Yeah Jackie--- didn't you know the matrix can make ghosts appear? FakeProwl: Don't lie to them, Whirl. agoodidstraction: what agoodidstraction: yeah but Airachnid: ...what? ItsyBitsySpyers: @Rodimus: [[What story?]] Whirl: *sighs* Okay. Okay. FakeProwl: Everyone knows I'm only good for rattling chains and waking people up at three in the morning. Whirl: He doesn't ACTUALLY--yes, that. agoodidstraction: i mean the prime was always talkin to ghost agoodidstraction: iwhatg Windchill: You're definitely no good for fighting. Whirl: But, you know, if you're already up at three in the morning, he's good for a conversation. ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl: (txt): Prowl's story, disregardable berth activity rumor mentioned? Whirl: Chains and moaning aside. agoodidstraction: i'mabut how are you schlurpin that spike if he's dead ItsyBitsySpyers: *You know what's great about visors? You can make any face you want behind them and nobody can see.* agoodidstraction: i know all about chains and moaning ItsyBitsySpyers: *...Which is especially vital after comments like Wheeljack's.* Windchill: *Palm, meet face.* Airachnid: [disgust] FakeProwl: ... Pffft. @Soundwave «No, the rumor of my death is completely novel.» Whirl: *tilts his head and stares at Wheeljack with the blankest expression ever* I don't follow. FakeProwl: @Soundwave «Any /living/ rumors about me keeping people up at three in the morning with chains are probably true.» agoodidstraction: what don't ya follow Whirl: Any of that. Rodimus: *snickering* ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl: (txt): Soundwave will believe rumor when experienced. Whirl: *just blinks slowly; the fact that his expression is just his eye means Whirl can pull off the best poker face imaginable* FakeProwl: @Soundwave «... Except perhaps the three a.m. part. I prefer to have concluded any activities by then.» ItsyBitsySpyers: *Ravage is as disgusted as Airachnid. He can go over to her and keep her company during their nonsense.* agoodidstraction: so anyway oral is amazing Airachnid: Why are you like this? Whirl: Oral? Whirl: *blank. stare* Rodimus: PFT! agoodidstraction: yeah ORAL agoodidstraction: O R A L Whirl: Oral what? ItsyBitsySpyers: [[The world needs -someone- to be its fool, Airachnid.]] agoodidstraction: SEX ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl: (txt): Noted. FakeProwl: @Soundwave «Well. He's not attempting to fight me anymore. I'm not certain this is an improvement.» Airachnid: I thought that was Smokescreen. Whirl: ...*peers* That's not where sex happens, Wheeljack. Airachnid: Do we need any more? Whirl: I dunno who told you that, but they were yaking your chain. agoodidstraction: ??? Rodimus: *glances at the door thinking a moment of all the slag he still has left* Whirl: *POKER. FACE* ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Smokescreen is the unfortunate sap. Different role.]] Shockbox: *This scene has been...extremely amusing.* Airachnid: Hmm. Touche. Shockbox: *But it's snack table time, now.* agoodidstraction: okay tell that to bumblebee Whirl: I don't know any Bumblebees. Airachnid: Be thankful. agoodidstraction: you don't even know mine? Airachnid: They are annoying. Whirl: But, you know. Okay. I'll relebt. *drapes a claw over his chest* I'm being very narrow minded, here. Comes with the lack of peripheral vision. Whirl: Maybe other mecha have their sex organs in their mouths, in different dimensions. ItsyBitsySpyers: *WHIRL* Whirl: That's not where I keep mind. Obviously. Whirl: *WAIT *** OKAY HE FORGOT AGAIN BUT POKER FACE POKER FACE* agoodidstraction: airachnid i'll kick your *** face in *** Whirl: How rude. agoodidstraction: whirl what the frfag did you smoke Whirl: Hey now, no cutting in line. I get to fight her first. Whirl: Smoke? Windchill: Not until you fight me, bro. Airachnid: I would like to see you try. agoodidstraction: why would someone's array be in their mouth Whirl: Well, apparently yours are. Whirl: Since you frag with your mouth. agoodidstraction: i USED my mouth though Windchill: *Raises hand* agoodidstraction: what Bruin: *plating very ruffled up, he's thoroughly pissed about the eppisode still * Bruin: *the normal rediculousness is a nice distraction though* Whirl: I don't get it. Whirl: *continues to blankly stare* How? Rodimus: *face drops into hands* Windchill: Does that mean my giggity bits are in my armpits, because- ItsyBitsySpyers: @Shockbox: [[Leaving? This time he will not send Frenzy.]] Airachnid: [at this point she isn't surprised by this coversation] Windchill: *he'll just lower his hand, now.* agoodidstraction: whirl what the frag Windchill: *The damage has been done.* FakeProwl: *... okay, this is sad, prowl feels like he has to help out* agoodidstraction: okay whirl do you have uh agoodidstraction: what kind of stuff ya got? ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl: (txt): "Improvement" impossible near Wheeljack. "Status quo" best option. Whirl: Claspers, actually, but they;re in the usual place. *gestures to his groin* agoodidstraction: okay but what do you have down there agoodidstraction: like Rodimus: *checks to room to see if any mechs look bothered with the current chatter* Whirl: I just told you. agoodidstraction: ????? FakeProwl: Whirl, are you familiar with the concept of applying tactile stimulation to a partner's interstate array with parts OTHER than one's own interface array. Shockbox: @Soundwave: Not yet, but soon. May as well add to my stores while the others are distracted. agoodidstraction: no like agoodidstraction: you know how i don't have a spike but bee does FakeProwl: **interface FakeProwl: ((INTERSTATE ARRAY)) Whirl: I didn't know that, actually. Shockbox: *ngl he doesn't get like 60% of this sex talk because that's not how his universe works* agoodidstraction: okay well now ya know Airachnid: I wheezed when I read that)) Whirl: @Prowl: Yes. I one hundred percent am, But I am also one hundred pecent winding him up. agoodidstraction: are you a spike mech or a not spike mech Windchill: You learn something new, every day. *Said as flatly as possible, which is quite a lot.* Bruin: ((interstate? thats a really big spike)) Whirl: *now looks to Prowl* I mean, in theory. Rodimus: We are all no spike mechs ItsyBitsySpyers: @Shockbox: [[Understood. He will see this continue if he can.]] Whirl: Well, yeah, I've got claspers. Same thing. Rodimus: *stands up to start putting the fuel away* FakeProwl: @Whirl «... You fooled me too. Carry on.» Whirl: I'm sure I'm not the only one in the room who does, either. *snoirts; that bit is genuine* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Or not. Rodimus, what timing you have.* agoodidstraction: CLASPERS? Rodimus: *snickers spike is such a stupid name for the dongle* Whirl: @Prowl: Don't worry. We can pretend you were in on it. FakeProwl: *he did not think Whirl was capable of that patiently messing with someone.* Whirl: Yes! Shockbox: *He's able to finish taking what he needs before rodimus starts cleaning.* Whirl: Congratulations, you have basic listening comprehension! ItsyBitsySpyers: *Learn something new every day, Prowl.* agoodidstraction: okay agoodidstraction: ya ever let anyone put their mouth on your claspers? Rodimus: *you steal rodimus's fuel again?* FakeProwl: *well then. he'll sit back and let this play out.* Whirl: No. Shockbox: *stealing! haha, no, no. shockwave? never.* Whirl: That seems like a stupid thing to do, with all those TEETH. FakeProwl: *... and now prowl is wondering if he actually has claspers or if that's just messing with wheeljack too* Whirl: Why would anyone even do that. Rodimus: *he will stop you unless you agree to his terms*

Missed a very tiny bit. Maybe none at all. hard to tell.

agoodidstraction: it's not made up ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave knows if Whirl does or not but a) he doesn't know Prowl is wondering and b) he's not sure he wants to admit he knows.* Whirl: *maybe not but his feet feel ALL OF IT* Whirl: *DON'T SAY IT LIKE THAT SOUNDWAVE GDI YOU MAKE IT SOUND WORSE THAN IT IS* Whirl: Yeah, yeah. Nice try. I'm ot falling for THAT one. Pfft. ItsyBitsySpyers: *PAYBACK ASTERISKS FOR THE MOUTH ORGAN BIT* agoodidstraction: whirl you're high FakeProwl: *prowl is used to people comparing their mods in bars. he'd just assume whirl went over to soundwave's club while it was open* agoodidstraction: knock out told me how to do it Windchill: Oh, well I'm sure he'd know all about it. Whirl: Anyoine could just CHOMP them right off! agoodidstraction: yeah that's why i asked him FakeProwl: *whoa hello there now prowl is thinking about knock out's mouth. okay. all right. okay.* Whirl: Why would you DO that? Shockbox: *after barely making off with a relatively small bit of fuel, he walks briskly over to soundwave, mostly because soundwave seems to be the safest option at the moment.* Whirl: *GDI WHAT HAVE I DONE* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Could be worse. He could be thinking about Soundwave's mouth.* Whirl: ((rodders will u please play Let's Get it On)) ItsyBitsySpyers: *Nods to Shockwave. There's room where Rodimus was.* Rodimus: *yep its a ... pretty open panel policy* agoodidstraction: because it *** feels good what the *** is wrong with you wht *** kind of sad universe do you *** come from that doesn't have *** *** oral mech Rodimus: ((pretend its ic lmao ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Not everyone has the luxury of possessing a face, you know.]] Shockbox: *he considers the seat, and then takes it.* Whirl: *stares at Wheeljack. Blank. Optic giving no emotion away* Whirl: *deep, deep breath* Whirl: *BURSTS OUT LAUGING* Shockbox: ........*nods in agreement with slendy's statement.* agoodidstraction: hdkljishf agoodidstraction: what!!!! Rodimus: *silly smirk to himself* agoodidstraction: what agoodidstraction: what mech Airachnid: [she's just going to snicker to herself] Whirl: I DON'T know how I managed to keep a straight face for so long. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave looks up and over at the speakers. HA.* Whirl: Of COURSE we have blowjobs here, mech. Whirl: I mean, I wasn't lying when I said I'd never done it but, I was messing with you. You're VERY gullible. Whirl: Thank you, Rodders. agoodidstraction: i hat eyour *** stupid *** face Whirl: *cheeky salute* Whirl: Everything else was true, though. agoodidstraction: *squints* Whirl: Honest truth. agoodidstraction: you don't really have claspers ItsyBitsySpyers: *Oh, why not.* ItsyBitsySpyers: //Yeah he does.// Whirl: Oh no, I do, and I'm also sure I'm not the only person here who does. Whirl: Not that all uncommon, in my dimension. agoodidstraction: prove it agoodidstraction: ?? Rodimus: Woah! You do WHirl?! I havnt seen that mod in ages Whirl: Mod? *now he looks genuinely nonplussed* Windchill: This really isn't the place, I think. ItsyBitsySpyers: @Shockbox: [[...He does not know what greater educational value these moments have, but they do amuse.]] agoodidstraction: prove it *** Rodimus: Earth organic is pretty invouge still here Whirl: See? Rumble knows. Proof enough. Whirl: No mods here. *shrugs* agoodidstraction: no i wanna see with my own two optics Whirl: Oh. Well. I was born with 'em. Rodimus: Sweet--- really?! Whirl: *nods* Rodimus: Arn't you Cold Construct? Shockbox: *he leans back on the couch.* Rodimus: *RODDIMUS* Whirl: And--sorry, Wheeljack, but like I said--*sly look* You've yet to impress me. FakeProwl: *is rather glad the clasper fad died out, personally. they don't work well with his array.* Shockbox: @Soundwave: Amusing is /one/ way to put it. Whirl: ...what the frag kinda question is THAT? ItsyBitsySpyers: @Shockbox: [[Your suggested term?]] Rodimus: Ours didnt have those arrays mostly til the war. agoodidstraction: show me your claspers Windchill: *Gently, ever SO gently, picks up Whirl's feet and relocates them to HIS side of the couch.* agoodidstraction: i'll show you my thing Whirl: ((i'm so sorry everyone. the dickcapades got out of control)) Whirl: *ever so gently puts them back* Windchill: What the heck. Rodimus: ((meanwhile casual racism rodimus geeze Whirl: Well, impress me, and maybe you'll get your chance. Windchill: *Can't believe this. How did this happen.* Windchill: *Moves them again.* Whirl: *moves them back* agoodidstraction: i'll impress you come on just agoodidstraction: i'll give you lots of drugs ItsyBitsySpyers: //First off, ain't nobody poppin' their stuff out while I'm sittin' on 'em. B, I ain't watchin' Wheeljack show off nothin'.// Shockbox: (( admittedly i have not been paying close attention to the conversation. )) ItsyBitsySpyers: *He hops off Whirl and trots over to squeeze himself between Soundwave and Shockwave.* Shockbox: ((i have been building a gundam. )) Whirl: Well, obviously, our dimension is different. FakeProwl: Most pre-war cold constructed mechs who were interested in getting arrays did so long before the war. Whirl: Pfft, don;t worry Rumble, I'm not gonna do that. Windchill: Excuse me, sir. Shockbox: *nods at rumble.* Whirl: Not unless YOU asked, of course. *salutes* Rodimus: Yeah no dongles out in the rec room Magnus made it a rule agoodidstraction: okay anyone ELSE got weird arrays? Windchill: Your feet are IN MY WAY. Whirl: What? *looks to Windchill* agoodidstraction: how do you even frag with claspers Windchill: *Raises hand. He's just being honest.* Windchill: I said. Rodimus: *raises hand* FakeProwl: *... again, decides not to raise his hand. does not want wheeljack's attention* ItsyBitsySpyers: \\YA CLASP 'EM. DUH.\\ Whirl: Tiime to go? *lifts his feet into the air* Windchill: Seems so. Whirl: *and while they're there, looks to Wheeljack* The usual way. Shockbox: *he takes a moment to think* agoodidstraction: HOW? Windchill: If we're not gonna fight, I'm gonna go. Airachnid: I can only say I do not have any. agoodidstraction: look i'm still learning how spikes and valves work agoodidstraction: i have no idea what i'm doin Whirl: Seeya, mech. Also--I haven't forgotten. next week, you better give me a doctor's note, yeah? Whirl: *sits up* Does ANYONE else in this room have a set of claspers? Whirl: ...wait. Whirl: ((swap the order there)) Rodimus: Ha! Windchill: You're not the boss of me. Rodimus: I think a few in the engine team has some still ItsyBitsySpyers: //They ain't in the room though.// Whirl: I mean it. I'll take executive action if I har you haven't seen a doc. Windchill: What's THAT supposed to mean? agoodidstraction: whirl Whirl: Wheeljack. Whirl: it means I'll kick your ***, Windchill. Windchill: *He stands up, putting him in a better position to deflect any "executive actions."* Windchill: PFFT. Rodimus: !!! WHirl! Do I need to send Volicity down here?! Whirl: *sets his feet down* agoodidstraction: whirl just show me the *** claspers Windchill: I've been trying to get you to do that for years. Windchill: I'm not even convinced that you CAN. Whirl: Look, to get them out, I need to be in a particular mood. And that's not just something I can DO. Whirl: Also, no. Like I said--I'm not attracted to you. Whirl: I'll take a picture or something, and send it, if you want. agoodidstraction: okay let me give ya a lap dance then agoodidstraction: you'll send me a pic??? Whirl: I'll pass, but yeah. In the event, that I get them out sometime soon, I'll send you  a picture. Whirl: But fair warning--last time I got em our was, like, four million years ago. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave just shakes his helm. Be proud of him, Prowl. He risked his life to rescue this.* Whirl: So you're gonna be in for quite a wait. ItsyBitsySpyers: *That's a huge sacrifice.* agoodidstraction: ???????? FakeProwl: *enormous* Whirl: ((truly)) FakeProwl: *also: why* agoodidstraction: why do you hate your claspers Shockbox: @Soundwave: I do not believe any single term would do. It is merely another kind of common exchange. agoodidstraction: get 'em sucked or whatever agoodidstraction: give 'em some air Rodimus: Geeze Wheeljack, I guess you aare new to this interfacing thing cause you got less class than Swerve at this. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Ask.* ItsyBitsySpyers: @Shockbox: [[A reasonable viewpoint.]] Whirl: *holds up his huge claws* Rodimus: Whirl told you no let it drop. agoodidstraction: look i'm good in berth okay Rodimus: And? Whirl: Thanks, Rodders, but I've got this. *nods* Whirl: *that was a genuine thank you* Whirl: I've got huge c;laws. They';re not good for that sort of thing. Rodimus: *thumbs at WHirl* You can take it then. agoodidstraction: *lighting another cyg* *** Windchill: *Time for a goodnight eye roll.* Windchill: Bye, guys. Whirl: Catcha later, 'Chill. Rodimus: See ya. ItsyBitsySpyers: //Seeya.// ItsyBitsySpyers: *Ah. An audio hint.* Whirl: Anyway, there you have it. 've told you just about everything I can about my junk. I hope you're happy. Rodimus: *passive agressive music choices* Windchill: *Leaves.* Shockbox: @Soundwave: In such a relatively relaxed atmostphere, such discussions are an eventuality. agoodidstraction: you're full of *** whirl Whirl: And YOU can't fight. agoodidstraction: i'm out Whirl: *getly untangles himself from Frenzy and Zori and stands up, streeetching* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Now that is a good reason for appreciating a lonely post out on Cybertron* agoodidstraction: prowl, lmk when ya finally schlurp it agoodidstraction: I CAN FIHT *** Rodimus: @Soundwave ::About lessons.... those still on the table?:: FakeProwl: Never. agoodidstraction: zap yaps responsibly agoodidstraction: bye fraggers ItsyBitsySpyers: *Frenzy rolls off and bounces to his pedes. Zori pats Whirl goodbye* ItsyBitsySpyers: ((byeeee)) Whirl: *examines a claw with a mock-bored air* Didn't look like it to me. *now turns his attention to Zori and beeps a farewell* ItsyBitsySpyers: @Rodimus: [[Which?]] Rodimus: @Sound ::I did already pay for one of thtem~:: Shockbox: Hm....*Can feel himself beginning to drift.* ItsyBitsySpyers: @Rodimus: [[Ah. Yes. Those are still available, if you wish.]] Airachnid: [quietly gets up to try and sneak out] ItsyBitsySpyers: *Ravage rumbles a goodbye* FakeProwl: *why is this song playing twice?* Whirl: *bosb his head* Seeya, Legs! FakeProwl: *............... oh.* Whirl: Get back to me on the fighting, yeah? Bruin: *time to call it a night, the wolves are all snoring in unison* ItsyBitsySpyers: @Shockbox: [[Perhaps you should return and rest.]] Airachnid: [nods to a few before disappearing] Shockbox: *Snaps his head up, then nods.* FakeProwl: *stands and looks at Bruin. at least a couple of his team appear to be asleep.* @Bruin «Can you get to the bridge by yourself?» ItsyBitsySpyers: *Gets calling his group to himself as well.* Whirl: Anyway! Well. ...what an interesting conversation this turned out to be. But, later, losers. Whirl: *waves adnd turns to trot for the door* Bruin: @Prowl ::Yeah, Sotters' still up, just these lazy bums  asleep:: Shockbox: @Soundwave: Yes. But....If it is not too much, I need to contact you at a later date. FakeProwl: @Bruin «Very well.» ItsyBitsySpyers: @Shockbox: [[It is not too much.]] Here: a frequency. Bruin: *picks up all three wolves, one over a shoulder and two under arms and heads out* Night ya'll Rodimus: See ya mech! ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Goodnight.]] Shockbox: *pings a thanks.* @Soundwave: Do you have a preferred time range? Rodimus: Ah SOundwave. ItsyBitsySpyers: @Shockbox: [[Any. He will answer the message when he can.]] ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Yes, Rodimus?]] Rodimus: YOu asked about New york ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Yes. He did.]] Shockbox: *he nods one last time before making his way out.* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Goodbye nod.* Shockbox: (( g'night. )) Rodimus: It's short I dont have your skills ItsyBitsySpyers: *Oh no.* FakeProwl: *... remembers this from the other side. rubs optics* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Ping. Prowl need to leave?* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Still watching though.* FakeProwl: *no. but he's sitting down again.* Rodimus: Such burns ItsyBitsySpyers: [[He sees.]] ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Thank you.]] Rodimus: That's it for footage but you get it our scale to earth-- and welll--- much less in disguse FakeProwl: We /were/ in disguise before then, for years. Rodimus wasn't on Earth then, so he wouldn't have known. Rodimus: ((that clip seemed the most likely to be easily salavaged lol ItsyBitsySpyers: *On the one hand, part of him wonders why his faction never managed to wreak as much damage as other timelines. On the other, given how much MORE things fell apart when they tried...* Rodimus: *optic rolls* FakeProwl: ((yeah, I figure a few dozen humans with cameras out recording the carnage)) Rodimus: You dont even know what we were talking about FakeProwl: And we went back into hiding afterwords, as much as we could. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[He appreciates both viewpoints.]] Rodimus: Yeah they didnt mange to wipe earth's populations due to us! FakeProwl: Then you may enlighten me. Rodimus: Made a pretty good dent thou Rodimus: *hand waves* So anyways I never got to see New York! ItsyBitsySpyers: [[And he is given to understand this was worldwide?]] ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Or nearly?]] Rodimus: The fighting wa--- yeah Rodimus: skirmishes mostly FakeProwl: They hit major metropolitan areas all over the planet. New York City was the first and worst. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Have the f... the humans rebuilt?]] Rodimus: Some I guess. Certinally not rolling the welcome mat out to us I here. Prowl know that better Rodimus: He did have a dance with one of their towns... I hear ItsyBitsySpyers: *Looks over.* FakeProwl: After the Decepticons were forced out, the New Yorkers were moved to refugee camps nearby. FakeProwl: Over the next few years they began moving back in and rebuilding, but last I was there much of the city remained in ruins. ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl: [[Earth's coordinates?]] ItsyBitsySpyers: *He's curious. Wants to see this damage for himself, for comparison purposes.* FakeProwl: @Soundwave «... Why?» ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl: [[Recording. Data addition. Examples needed.]] Rodimus: ((my wife is crying over killing something in her game ItsyBitsySpyers: ((oh nooooo)) Rodimus: ((I am laughing at her FakeProwl: @Soundwave «Earth is armed and prepared in case of a new Cybertronian invasion, and there's an ongoing conflict between small Autobot and Decepticon forces. I recommend against it.» ItsyBitsySpyers: *They LEFT SOME THERE?* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Looks from one bot to the other* FakeProwl: *they WENT BACK* Rodimus: ((omg she cant even retell it without voice breaking FakeProwl: @Soundwave «They've had Cybertronian corpses, prisoners, and collaborators to help them prepare. I don't recommend a tourist trip.» ItsyBitsySpyers: ((give her a hundred hugs)) ItsyBitsySpyers: *Oh, there you go. NOW he doesn't want to go.* Rodimus: *helm tilt as he looks between them* ItsyBitsySpyers: [[He does not know which of you has access to the Earth, if either.]] Rodimus: *feels like the convo stopped suddenly cause he got left out. frowns* Rodimus: Huh? ItsyBitsySpyers: [[If you regain it and go, he wishes to be sent footage of what Earth looks like now.]] ItsyBitsySpyers: *"Now" meaning whenever they see it again, if they do.* FakeProwl: I was last on earth a little under a year and a half ago. I didn't bring footage back, but I can see if the Constructicons did. Jazz was there more recently. FakeProwl: *... and there might be others he can call.* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Nod. Even if he doesn't like Jazz.* Rodimus: *huffs now he is sure he was left out cause he isnt following this jump* ItsyBitsySpyers: @Rodimus: [[He would like to know more of what -you- witnessed when your lessons begin.]] Rodimus: @Spund ::Your vectorsigma peek wasnt enough?:: Rodimus: ((wtf fingers ItsyBitsySpyers: @Rodimus: [[You promised him multiple questions.]] Rodimus: *facepalms* ItsyBitsySpyers: *There, there, Rodimus. Prowl is holding one over on him too.* FakeProwl: *he's saving it for a special occasion* ItsyBitsySpyers: *And so he should.* Rodimus: Anyways I got my hands awesome footage of a parraell universe close to ours! ItsyBitsySpyers: *Did they have anything else they wanted to tell him, or should he take the original music cue and head toward the bridge...? Oh! Hmm.* ItsyBitsySpyers: [[What is it?]] Rodimus: *wiggles fingers* You'll see i am not going to watch it til i share it more fun that way! Rodimus: I mean I lived it! FakeProwl: *should head out himself. pings a farewell to Soundwave, and disappears.* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Pings farewell back.* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Rude, Rodimus. Getting his hopes up like that. Hmph* ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Then he will look forward to it.]] Rodimus: *blicks at hte other just *** off oh ok* Rodimus: *gota keep alluring!* Rodimus: So Waveers... I tihnk I need the control lessons first ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Of course you do. You can't do anything else without them.]] Rodimus: I seen some in the shows... how is your decoding abilites? ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Sufficient, for one who is not a warship with nothing to do except float and decode.]] Rodimus: *holds his hand up a sec* Just so you know this is a Captainy request ItsyBitsySpyers: *Tilts his helm.* ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Meaning?]] ItsyBitsySpyers: *You're not his Captain, after all.* Rodimus: YOu know... no repeating my words out of context and wrecking ***? Rodimus: *brow raise* ItsyBitsySpyers: [[As long as you do not ask him to do something that will harm his allies.]] Rodimus: Professionial request. *magnus voice* Rodimus: I got some uhm charts...? and designs that look like the stuff on some of those relics in the show Rodimus: Can you read -that- stuff? ItsyBitsySpyers: *Nods. With Laserbeak's help for the little he does not recognize.* Rodimus: ((its ok if you dont know if he can Rodimus: ((ok! ItsyBitsySpyers: ((if it's primal vernacular i have it set that he's not Great at it but the bird twins are old enough to cover)) ItsyBitsySpyers: ((if it's something even older he knows bits and pieces and/or can get help from their timeline's REALLY old bot)) Rodimus: Ok then! I may got some stuff for you to help on I am putting a team to try to decode them! Rodimus: Ok then you are free! ItsyBitsySpyers: *Now THAT'S a task worthy of him.* ItsyBitsySpyers: [[He will do his best to assist.]] ItsyBitsySpyers: *Rises and nods* ItsyBitsySpyers: *And unless he's stopped, will head out with everyone docked and Zori tagging behind* Rodimus: ((see ya! ItsyBitsySpyers: ((bye! thanks for hosting :D ))

[busbysbakery]

Adding Water To An Oven – Learn The Best Way To Make Steam!

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Adding Water To An Oven - The Best Way

If you’re wondering “What is the secret to adding water to an oven,” “What is the science behind what goes on with steam ovens” or simply, "How to steam bread." Then like me, it’ll probably bug you for years until you find the way that works best for you.

Maybe believing a theory along your bread baking journey which turns out later to scientifically not correct...

(Yes, me)

After years of bread baking combined with a few months of intense "steam" and "adding water" research, I’ve got the problem dialled down for you.

This article shares the best way to use steam to bake the most perfect light and crusty bread.

Why is adding water important when baking bread?

Adding some water to the oven creates a moistened environment, this allows the bread to rise easier by delaying the setting of the crust. It makes bread deliciously light and crusty.

How it does this, and why, we'll cover in detail later on in this post.

Is it steam or water?

Before we begin with the juicy stuff, I’m just going to make you aware that I use the terms “water” and “steam” interchangeably.

Adding water to a hot oven creates steam. This is the point of adding water. When talking with other bakers we tend to lean on the “adding steam” phrase. So adding water or adding steam, either is good.

What professional bakers learn about baking with steam

My journey to understand baking with steam started a while back. Most professional bakers learn about using steam in the oven in a kind of backward way. 

Let me share a conversation:

I was sat in a coffee shop with John, a supermarket baker of 20 years. He is one of the most passionate bakers that I’ve had the pleasure of working with. John would make spot-on bread every bake.

He never made mistakes.

I'd often wondered why he hadn't pushed himself down a more artisan route in bread baking. He was one of a few people I knew who would be able to handle the more complicated processes and techniques with ease. He was fantastic.

Anyway, enough of hosting his ego. Let’s get back to the point...

Whilst sipping my latte, naturally the conversation turned to bread. I told him I was starting to write this article, he showed an interest.

I asked him “What do you understand about using steam in the oven?”

His reply was typical to many heard before. It had not progressed.

“It makes the bread go crusty”

To be fair, I couldn't argue with him.

It is true,

but, there’s more to it than crusty.

So I fired a quick trio of more challenging questions:

“How much steam to add?”

“Why does it do what it does?”

“What are the other benefits of steam? ”

To these questions John stalled, but as we conversed, it all made perfect sense...

Many bakers including myself rely on old wives tales or assumptions when understanding how adding water to the oven works. They get passed through the ranks in every bakery establishment.

Often though (here's the thing...) they are not the full picture. My definition of adding water to the oven (to create steam) a year or two ago was very similar to Johns. Now I know that creating steam by adding water into the oven is a bigger subject.

Knowing the science behind team baking bread isn’t vital to baking a loaf of bread. All you have to do is follow a process to create steam.

Pour the water -> Close the door -> Run away (how I first learned to add water to an oven)

I’ve explored many ways to add steam to an oven over my years in bread baking. My desire to conquer it started back when I was a supermarket baker with John. The steam injectors would regularly bread in the deck ovens we were using.

Apparently we had dirty water in our pipes or something?

After the engineers had repeatedly attempted to repair, our baking team decided to learn how to create steam ourselves.

The Pour, Close & Run strategy was the technique that we used. It works by chucking a cup of tap water onto the baking stone as we dropped the bread in.

It works pretty well, it would create enough steam sometimes too much if we got carried away. There was a slight worry that the sudden attack of cold water might shatter the baking stone.

But they weren’t our ovens, so we didn't really care!

(bad I know)

I used the "Pour, Close & Run" technique hundreds of times in my career, then one day it occurred to me...

“What is actually going on?”

After many years of baking, I still don’t know, not really anyway!

... So I set out to find the truth about adding water to an oven

Having strong technical knowledge helps bakers make the best quality bread. Any extra advantage benefits home bakers, especially when starting out. The equipment used in pro bakeries is a higher quality and helps “paper over the cracks”.

It’s easier to learn bread baking as a job than studying at home. I felt I needed to learn everything about this topic so I could share it with you to give you an advantage.

How a professional baker adds water to an oven to make steam

Steam jets are fitted in the ovens. The jets are powered by a tank storing pressured water. When the oven demands it, the jets are opened and water is released into the oven. Depending on the type of steam system the oven uses it can take a few minutes after use for them to be ready to spray again.

It may sound great, but there are always issues with pipes clogging up and expensive repair charges. At least, I’ve found that in hard water areas it's sometimes not worth bothering with the repair costs.

They constantly get jammed.

I’ve not found a reliable situation. I tend to use the techniques commonly used for home use in a commercial bakery.

At least I know they work every time.

THE BEST WAY TO ADD WATER TO AN OVEN

This is a combination of methods shown below. It allows plenty of steam to get into the oven and stay there!

Domestic ovens are not as well sealed as commercial ones so you have to over-steam in most home setups to compensate for some moisture leaking out.

Here are the steps that I follow:

Heat the oven with a baking stone and a tray on the shelf below

Boil the kettle

Place the bread on the baking stone

Pour a cup of boiling water into the heated tray

Shut the door as quick as you can - without burning yourself!

For more steam or if your oven seal is not great, take these extra steps:

Wait 30 seconds then using a spray mister, spray the over walls for 5 seconds

Shut the door again and wait 30 seconds

Spray again for another 5 seconds

Open the door after 20-25 minutes to release the steam

Alternative ways (+ photos) to add water to a domestic oven:

Put water in the bottom of the oven

Heat a tray in the oven, placed below the baking stone. The tray should have a reasonable lip to hold the water.

The tray must also be strong enough to withstand the high heat of a bread oven without wilting, at least 240C (465F). Check the guidelines before you buy.

Once you place your bread in the oven, pour a cup (you can use a jug if it’s easier) of tap temperature water onto the hot tray.

This will rapidly create steam and so quickly shut the door!

You can use boiling water, or ice cubes instead of water from the tap. The boiling water way tends to exhaust the steam so quickly it flies out of the oven- before I can close the door!

So I add a bit more if I use boiling or hot water.

The ice cube way creates a steady stream of steam, but it can add too much too late on.

The issue in adding ice or cold water is it cools the temperature of the oven. Low powered oven users really struggle for their oven to regain temperature when using this method. Baking at a lower temperature will change the texture and colour of the bread.

To follow this method, you need space in the oven for the tray, baking stone, and the bread. It also needs to be in a hot area of the oven.

Bake with a water bath

Similar to method 1, but we add in more water or ice than in the previous. So much more, that it doesn’t evaporate. To build up the steam, we can put a tray of water in the oven 5-10 minutes before the bread goes in. This gives time for the oven to get back up to temperature before the bread goes in.

The tray is removed after 10-15 minutes as the oven spring has occurred and the baking now focuses on the generation of the crust.

This is can be great if the seal in your oven is not that great as otherwise the steam tends to escape. I think this is the case for gas ovens as an air circulation is needed to keep the flame going.

Letting the heat out the oven when the boiling hot tray is pulled out is desierable to avoid (whilst also trying not to burn yourself with the water).

Opening the damper

After around 20-30 minutes of baking it's best practice to open the oven door quickly to release the steam as a damper does in a professional oven. At this point, the yeast has died from exposure to high temperature. There is to be no more rising so the size of the bread is set. Releasing the moisture lowers the humidity which forces the crust to focus on gelatinization.

The spray mister way to make steam

Use a spray mister, or if you have a big oven a heavy duty pump action sprayer filled with water. After the bread is dropped spray the inside of the oven with the mister. Be careful to avoid light bulbs, glass and the baking stone, they might shatter.

It’s difficult to add enough steam for the best quality bread using this technique.

Spraying water 3 times like this (leaving 30-second intervals between each spray) allows the oven to heat up between sprays and gives time for the steam to distribute through the air inside.

This method will cool the sides of your oven down quite considerably and also doesn't always create as much steam as the previous two options.

Any water mister will do really, though you ideally want one that will throw a lot of water in a short amount of time. A water mister that has a large resvoir and which can pump the water to a high pressure is best. This is the water mister I recommend as it does everything you need to create steam in the oven:

Clicking on this link takes you to Amazon where if you decide to purchase I will receive a small commission which helps me to continue making content on this site.

Wet the bread

Don’t do this:

Just don't. You will end up with a gummy crumb, or/and blisters on the surface of the bread. Some bakers looking for the San Francisco bread look choose to wet their hands and smother them over the bread before baking.

By all means, have an experiment with this technique but I won’t be recommending it!

What does too much steam look like?

Below is a photo of the bread where I added water directly to the dough before baking. You can make out some blisters that appear when water is attached to the dough surface when it bakes.

The photo also shows the effects of too much steam:

The most notable issue of over-steaming the bread is how the cut spreads out. The flour that was on the dough when it came out of the banneton became a paste when it became wet which when baked creates a dull colour. 

The crust of the over steamed bread has a flat surface, no rise from the cut can be found.

What did it taste like?

Well it made a nice bread pudding, let's leave it there! 

If your wondering if you are adding too much water to your oven, look at the picture and see if your bread resembles the same traits.

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If you are enjoying this guide, please take a moment to follow Busby's Bakery on social media by clicking on the links. If you think other bread bakers can benefit from this site, please share the page with them. It just takes a second and it really helps my motivation to keep writing more articles.

What happens in the oven when we bake bread?

Artisan Bread Coach

The ovens role in bread baking is where all your hard work comes to an end. The moment of truth sits in front of you. Before loading your oven you go through the steps you took... “Did I do everything right? ...Is the dough proved perfectly? Is it strong enough? The oven, is it hot enough?”

After covering the range of methods of creating steam, including my favourite we are now going to cover why it is important, what happens during the baking process and how we can use steam to change many factors of our freshly made bread.

The dough being baked may have developed for hours, maybe days. Making a mistake in the final stages is gutting.

Getting your bake right creates endless personal satisfaction.

You’ll feel able to strive the streets in confidence, pick up new partners in the street, send your food back in restaurants….

...Ok, ok, I might have got a bit carried away

But if your bake goes wrong, you’ll probably wish you hadn’t wasted your time.

An introduction to oven spring

Once you have the ability to make a great dough you’re going to want to get the most out of your oven. Understanding oven spring is a really important bit of knowledge.

A preheated baking stone stores heat from the oven. When bread is placed on the stone the heat is conducted into the bread.

To get the best oven spring, we need to add moisture to the environment and use a baking stone.

Baking stones emulate the stones found in professional deck ovens by conducting the heat evenly into the base of the bread.

Baking stones help the bottom of the bread bake properly and help to create a good oven spring.

 A good quality baking stone is vital for great quality bread. I scoured hundreds of baking stone reviews and tested a many myself and found that the stones at the lower end of the market do not last very long. They can shatter after a couple of months if you are unlucky.

A good baking stone will last a long time and retain heat well enough so you can bake doughs after each other. 

The baking stone that I use is made from firebrick like the one recommended below. My firebrick baking stone has lasted for a few years, with no sign of damage.

See the baking stone I suggest for home bakers

(The link takes you to Amazon where I am a affiliate. I you do go ahead and make a purchase I receive a small commision which goes towards keeping the site going)

​

Oven spring explained: 

As the bread hits the heat of the oven, the dough warms making the active levain work harder (levains love warmth). This reaction forces the bread to rise rapidly.

Bread springs up during the first ten minutes of baking. A typical increase is around 20% of the size it was before it entered the oven.

We call this “Oven Spring”

After approximately ten minutes of exposure to the ovens heat the internal dough temperature hits 60C (140F). This is too hot for the levain and kills its activity, preventing the bread from rising any more.

For the remainder of the bake the bread shrinks slowly as moisture escapes.

Further reading: How oven spring works

How important is adding water to an oven to oven spring?

When bread dough enters the oven, the outer surface of it is fiercely attacked by the heat. As it’s in direct contact with the hot air of the oven it feels intensity more than the core of the bread.

The heat draws the water from the surface of the bread which then evaporates. The elastic gluten at the edges of the bread will bond together (coagulate) as it dehydrates. This creates a crust.

A dough with a strong gluten network will create a stronger, more tearable crust than dough that is weak and under fermented.

But if the dough’s crust forms shortly after it goes in the oven it will prevent the oven spring from pushing up. The crust is too strong and quick to form, we need to delay it from setting so that the bread will be able to rise in the oven.

The crust is essential in bread making, we cannot remove it forms the bread, but if we can delay it setting for 10 minutes so the oven spring can do its thing we can make a nice and light loaf of bread.

Adding extra yeast speeds up fermentation time. If you do this you will have to put the bread in the oven at a smaller proof height than usual. The bread will rocket up in the oven which is pretty fun to watch, but you’ll end up with bread with poor flavour and structure.

What happens when water is used in the oven?

When we add water to the oven the water particles quickly evaporate into the air. They latch onto the air molecules to create the moist gas known as steam.

It’s steam that a kettle emits when you make a cup of tea (or whatever you use a kettle for if you live outside the UK), actually thinking about it... Do other countries have kettles??

Anyway, I'm sure you get what I mean...

Water is retained by the air inside the oven, making it dense. It also means the climate of the oven becomes moist which is another word for humid.

As the bread goes into the oven as it is cooler it attracts moisture in the air. The moisture latches to the outside surface area of the dough which creates a barrier between the hot air and the dough.

This barrier keeps the dough moist and stops dehydration, allowing oven spring to have full effect. Without adding water to the oven the dough will not spring up very much creating a dense loaf. Oven spring makes the crumb expand which makes it more light and enjoyable.

Why increase the oven humidity for bread baking?

If you’ve been to a Swedish sauna, you’ll know that adding water to a hot environment intensifies the heat. It’s doesn’t get hotter in the sauna when you add the water, you can check the dial, the thermometer doesn’t go hot desire it feeling more uncomfortable.

The water actually cools the temperature, but due to the increase in humidity it feels more intense. Water is a better conductor of heat than air is which combines with the heavy air to make a sauna experience feel more intense.

Our bread in the oven undergoes the same exposure once the moisture barrier around it disappears. The oven heat is more intense after the bread has sprung up which makes the crust form harder and thinner.

Why starch has a big role in forming the crust

If more water is added to the oven at the start of baking the humidity of the air increases. The increase leads to more moisture being absorbed by the surface of the crust.

It’s specifically starch particles that do the absorbing. Starch is a form of sugar that is created by the fermentation of flour.

This explains why bread crusts go a darker colour than the interior section of the bread. Similar to how sugar is heated to turn into syrups or caramels which are golden or darker colours.

The amount of starch created increases by the amount of fermentation activity the dough undergoes.

You may have noticed that supermarket bread has a light, bright, golden coloured crust. The simple colours are due to a short fermentation whereas artisan baked bread usually has a darker, more mature tone.

During long bulk fermentation stages, more starch and complex starches are broken down. These create more colour, aroma and flavour intense bread.

Learn more about dough fermentation with these two articles:

Further reading: Dough fermentation basics or an in depth guide on dough fermentation for bread making

What is "Singing Bread" & how do crusty loaves get that sheen?

Once crusty bread is removed from the oven it crackles rapidly. It’s as if the pops are singing to you! This is called “singing bread”.

The cracking noise is actually related to the glazed sheen that you may have noticed appear on crusty bread.

So now we know moisture in the oven is absorbed by the starch on the outside of the dough. Though there’s a thing about starch...

It has no control limits!

Not when comes to absorbing moisture anyway.

The starch particles keep absorbing water and growing in size until they finally burst.

As these particles burst, they release a gel which coats the outside of the loaf. As the bread continues to bake the gel becomes shinier and hardens.

The process continues after the bread is removed from the oven.

As the bread cools, moisture escapes from the core of the loaf or what we call the crumb. As it escapes, it goes from the inner core to the outer perimeter before passing out of the crust. The starch at the edge of the loaf latches on to the escaping moisture and continues to grow... and then burst.

The bursting starch continues to make the crust shiny and brittle and it’s the bursting starch we hear when it sounds like the bread is signing to us.

Can I add too much steam when baking bread?

Bread which is not intended to be very crusty usually requires for small amounts of steam when baking. It is also possible to add too much moisture to the oven. You can tell if this has happened as the cuts made in the bread before baking do not open out properly.

Overly steamed bread spreads outwards, is less 2D (don’t stick out) and featureless on the crust and has a dense crumb.

Should I add steam in every bread I make?

If you want your bread to benefit from oven spring fully then yes, but there are breads that you wouldn’t want to do this with. A fantastically common example is soft rolls.

Soft rolls should have a dense, soft crumb and a soft top. The opposite of what adding steam provides. Because the cells are more compact from the lack of oven spring the texture of the crumb is soft.

The absence of steam also creates a crust that is thicker. This is an important feature of soft bread as a thick crust slows down the rate which moisture can escape from the bread as it cools. The thick crust retains moisture in the crumb making it to be softer to eat.

How much steam should I add for laminated doughs

Laminated doughs are doughs that contain fats or sweeteners such as butter, eggs or sugar. Brioche is a well known laminated dough containing high quantities of butter, eggs, sugar and milk.

This includes, croissants, brioche, and other sweet breads like panettone.

In a laminated dough the temperature which starch gelatinizes  s raised by the sweeteners and fats. Adding steam to delay the crust being formed is not required.

If you do choose to add steam, it will have little effect on the oven spring. It is more likely to encourage a thicker and harder crust, which can be undesired. That said, adding a little can help hydrate the starch to create a shinier, more attractive bread.

With doughs like this, it’s good to start mastering a new recipe without adding steam. Then add it in small quantities in subsequent batches if you feel the recipe would benefit.

Not too mad though, otherwise the crust will become too crusty!

Gareth Busby

"Adding water to the oven alters the texture of the crumb as it creates a thinner crust. Moisture trapped inside the bread after baking escapes easily when cooling making the crumb light and airy."

Do you add steam when making croissants?

I do find that adding a little bit of steam helps them spring up and gives croissants and danish pastries a beautiful glazed surface, giving them a wow factor.

Too much steam and they’ll be a bit crunchy.

Not enough and they will look a little dull and dry.

Do you add steam when baking sourdough?

If you want your sourdough to have a really thick crust, then yes! Add plenty of steam to the oven at the start of baking. Then drop the temperature after 25 minutes of baking (halfway) from 230c (450F) to around 210c (410F). This will slow the rate in which the starch pops and allow the crust to become nice and hard.

If you want a more chewy texture that matches the modern trend of stretch and fold sourdough then I would do it differently.

To get a nice spring in the oven I would add some steam, but only a small amount. This will allow a good rise, a nice amount of hydration for the starches, but not too great. Combine this with baking it at a constant 220c (430F) temperature for a more tearable crust.

How much water?

The amount of water to add in the oven will depend on the type of crust you want on the bread. Adding a small amount is perfect for things like croissants, focaccia or soft ciabattas. It allows them to get a nice soft crumb from the oven spring but doesn’t create too hard of a crust. To make bread with a strong crust typical of sourdough bread or baguettes, add steam in higher quantities. The usual amount is 1 cup.

Should you add steam or ice when using a dutch oven

Many bakers bake sourdough bread using dutch ovens. Some preheat the dutch oven before the bread is dropped in and baked, some don’t preheat the dutch oven, and some don’t even preheat the main oven and bake the bread from cold.

The idea of using a dutch oven is to create an enclosed space to bake the bread. Cast iron dutch ovens and usually preferred.

Having a thick base on the dutch oven generates a good oven spring and as the dutch ovens are good at conducting heat (especially the cast iron ones), the heat quickly seeps inside, locking any moisture from escape which creates an intense environment to bake bread.

Having a decent sealed lid on a dutch oven should retain enough moisture. No additional steam should be required to make a decent loaf of bread. Some bakers that don’t have a very powerful oven or tend to underproof their bread like to create additional steam.

They either spray the bread (remember method 4 - avoid at all costs!) which will help but will create blisters and an uneven colour/texture. Or they chuck a few ice cubes in the base to the side of the bread as it goes in, providing you have enough space in your dutch oven.

Some will bake the bread on a layer of parchment paper, making a barrier between the dough and the dutch oven bottom.

If you find the amount of steam a problem I would first review the dough quality, checking it is well developed and the water ratio is healthy for the flour before using one of these methods to add more steam.

How much oven spring will I get with different flours?

Well developed and well final proved breads will get a lot less spring than an underdeveloped dough.

Wholemeal flour is more complex to break down so expect less oven spring, this goes for many complex grains.

Low gluten flours and grains will not have the elasticity to spring far in the oven which is why these breads are often dense.

Rye bread requires plenty of steam in the oven to keep the crust together which prevents it from cracking.

To conclude

So, in reality, the amount of oven spring depends on the type of flour used, how well it has fermented, the heat of the oven, the amount of levain and the amount of steam.

The biggest challenge you will have is mastering how your oven reacts to your choice of steam, does it retain it well?... does it cool down too much?

Experimenting a little till you get a method that works well for you may take a few attempts but believe me it is worth it when you get it right!

All in all, having a trusted method of adding water to the oven and so creating steam is vital for every home or professional baker.

For crusty, light and airy bread  - add steam

Is there anything I have missed or a topic that I have not been clear on? If so give me an email and I'll get it updated. Click here to return to the learn to make bread at home page

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[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 10th March 2019

Top 10

We have the same #1 from last week, specifically “Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi, hanging onto the top this week for a second stint at the top.

“Giant” by Calvin Harris and Rag ‘n’ Bone Man is also not moving at number-two.

Mabel is up two spots to number-three with “Don’t Call Me Up”.

Ariana Grande’s “break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored” is currently at number-four, down one position from last week.

There’s another song from Ariana down only one space from last week at number-five, this one being “7 rings”. Both of these tracks aren’t falling fast enough, by the way.

The most interesting story of this week in pop music is the return of the Jonas Brothers and their impact on the charts. In the US, they debuted at #1, which kind of perplexes me to be completely honest, but they’re also at number-six here, so there must be some hole in the public’s consumption of music worldwide that the Jonas bros are filling I suppose. If you’re interested in stats, their last charting song in the top 40 here was in 2008, with “Burnin’ Up”, and this is actually their highest charting song ever in the UK, being their fourth top 40 but first ever top 10. Congratulations... I guess?

“Dancing with a Stranger” by Sam Smith and Normani is down a spot to number-seven.

Tom Walker’s “Just You and I” is up two spaces to number-eight.

P!nk’s “Walk Me Home” surprisingly doesn’t falter off the debut despite lack of a video, only dropping a single space to number-nine.

Oh, and NSG’s “Options” featuring Tion Wayne is down three spots to #10.

Climbers

We have exactly two, both in the top 20. “Please Me” by Cardi B and Bruno Mars moves up seven positions probably thanks to the video, to #13, whilst YNW Melly enjoys his first ever top 20 hit whilst incarcerated and on trial for double murder, as “Murder on My Mind” slips up 11 spaces to #20.

Fallers

We have a lot more of these, although it’s still relatively dry in this area too. “Wow.” by Post Malone continues its gradual fall, down five to #19, “Going Bad” by Meek Mill and Drake is down seven to #23, joining “Advice” by Cadet and Deno Driz down six to #24, “Kitchen Kings” by D-Block Europe is down seven to #26, “Shotgun” by George Ezra is down five to #31, “thank u, next” by Ariana Grande is down six to #36, and that’s it, it seems.

Dropouts

Thanks to streaming cuts, two long-running chart hits have dropped out as they always do because of these arbitrary UK chart rules: “Play” by Jax Jones featuring Years & Years is out from #22 and “Lost Without You” by Freya Ridings is out from #25. Otherwise, we just have a few natural dropouts, with “Promises” by Calvin Harris and Sam Smith dropping out from the return last week at #37, “Undecided” by Chris Brown dropping out from #38 (Good riddance) and the sad loss of “Black” by Dave from #40, although there’s no questioning it’ll rebound at a much higher position once the album impacts – which, by the way, you should check out. It’s called PSYCHODRAMA and it’s fantastic.

Returning Entries

“Leave a Light On” by Tom Walker is back at #37. Please go away.

NEW ARRIVALS

#34 – “Don’t Feel Like Crying” – Sigrid

Produced by Oscar Holter – Currently charting at #15 in Scotland

So, I like Sigrid quite a bit, actually. I had a really negative reaction to “Strangers” more than a year ago when it first debuted on the charts but that opinion has waned with time, although it’s still probably one of the worst she’s released, especially on the album Sucker Punch, which I admit I haven’t finished but contains some pretty great UK synthpop, especially the title track, which is awesome and I’m quite sad that didn’t turn out to be the hit from the record, but instead we’ve got the second top 40 hit from young Norwegian singer and BBC’s “Sound of 2018”, which seems to be the token break-up hit on the record (Although there’s probably more songs on the topic throughout), and honestly, it’s pretty epic. I love the orchestral strings that start the track off, they step the fine line between classical-tinged and more electronic sounds by having that synth harmonising with it and the unnatural sound of the slick, polished pop song. The chorus, despite a somewhat concerning falsetto, is catchy and anthemic, and especially in the second verse, it’s such an effective kiss-off, despite being really clean and inoffensive. Similarly to “Sucker Punch”, it’s just Sigrid doing what she knows best: singing some cool synthpop songs (With a rock edge that I appreciate) that she only co-wrote, with enough indie cred in the interesting vocal mannerisms and 808s to seep through what I would usually see as manufactured and boring. Yeah, this is pretty good, even though I feel it could be improved by being less repetitive and more developed, since it’s two and a half minutes long and I feel it needs a proper bridge instead of an admittedly weak post-chorus. Next.

#32 – “Bally” – Swarmz featuring Tion Wayne

Produced by DABEATFREAKZ

Apparently this is a returning entry according to the BBC, and so is “Don’t Feel Like Crying”, but they also think Swae Lee isn’t on “Sunflower” with Post Malone so you know, it’s not exactly like they’re the most reliable in their top 40 countdowns they have available on their Radio One website. Anyway, this is Swarmz, a UK rapper from the same irk as all the faux-reggae-influenced British hip hop artists that break through nearly every week now, sometimes twice, with a slightly bigger name as a feature, in this case Tion Wayne, who also features on a top 10 hit right now by NSG (Making this his second top 40 hit and obviously Swarmz’s first). It sounds really similar to “Options” actually, with a blunt piano-lead beat, almost reggaeton or dancehall percussion as well as a deep 808 drowning out everything else, except, in this case, the piano is completely or at least partially off-beat for the intro and outro due to how washed out the percussion and claps are. The mix is okay, but Swarmz’s autotune especially is pretty muddy, with the multi-layering making the song especially cluttered but I do love his verse and chorus actually, since he has so much charisma and he’s pretty funny and exciting due to his happy delivery despite dark lyrics about shooting people. Maybe it’s because of the BlocBoy JB level of stuttering in the hook or his elongated syllables, but something about this dude is hilarious. Tion Wayne is okay here too (I especially like his pre-chorus), and the beat is decent enough for both of them once it really gets started, so to be honest, I can’t really complain about this one too much, it has a cool almost afrobeat swing to it and I quite like it. Maybe it’s just because I’ve heard so much of this trash that any slightly better forms of this style of British hip hop amazes me, but at least I’ve started to see the reason for this co-existing with people like Dave and people like Loyle Carner; there is some quality to be found in faux-dancehall-gangsta-rap, sometimes.

#18 – “How it Is” – Roddy Ricch, Yxng Bane and Chip featuring the Plug

Produced by SpeakerBangerz

Okay, let’s name off everyone here, starting with probably the most well-known. Yxng Bane is perhaps the most recognisable here as he’s a rapper from East London who is one of the few of the rappers in this style who know how to have a pop sensibility and still be decent, but honestly when he charts his songs are painfully and pathetically bad. His song “Vroom” is probably even worse than I dubbed it in retrospect. This is his fourth Top 40 hit and second top 20. Chip is definitely the artist with the biggest (And probably best) discography here, and can be seen as more of a legacy act in recent years, being one of the few UK rappers to have connections with the US hip-hop scene that aren’t forced, probably because he used to be on T.I.’s record label. He’s collaborated with people like Emeli Sandé, Chris Brown, Trey Songz, Keri Hilson, Stormzy, Elton John and even Big Shaq (No, the last two are not on the same track, although that would be interesting to say the least), and 16 UK Top 40s under his belt, including 10 Top 20s and a number-one hit, although this is his first hit since 2013. Roddy Ricch is an American rapper heavily affiliated with Meek Mill and somehow Marshmello, who seems to be gaining buzz for his trap-rap mixtapes recently. This is his first ever charting song in the UK. The Plug is seemingly a collective that pulls everything together, we’ve seen another collaboration between UK and US rappers initiated by the Plug end up on the chart before, making this their second hit. The song itself isn’t as interesting as any of these backstories if you’re wondering, its piano melody is nice and I like the ambience it builds until Roddy Ricch comes in with the beat and drowns out whatever was there, sounding like a slightly less watered-down version of Young Thug than, say, Lil Baby, but still a shameless rip-off with not near enough quirkiness to make it work. Chip’s verse is mixed awfully and he sounds pretty bad with that autotune anyway. I may as well add that every single verse goes on for a few too many bars to make this song in any way tolerable, and that it’s nearly five freaking minutes, with only three verses but an incessant repetition of the hook. Yxng Bane doesn’t add anything but for once he doesn’t really subtract anything. I actually kind of like the distorted vocals he pulls off. Otherwise, this is gutter trash. Let’s talk about the Jonas Brothers.

#6 – “Sucker” – Jonas Brothers

Produced by Frank Dukes and Louis Bell – Currently charting at #1 in the US and Canada

I’ve never heard a Jonas Brothers song before this, and I’m frankly not going to bother researching a Disney-grown boy band that probably didn’t even make interesting enough music to commentate on despite most probable lack of quality. I have heard some stuff they’ve done outside of this project, with Nick Jonas having two boring solo hits that aren’t much to speak of, Joe Jonas being the frontman of the band DNCE, who had two excellent hits over here, with “Cake by the Ocean” and the funky Nicki Minaj featuring “Kissing Strangers”, and not going to lie, has probably aged the best out of the brothers, musically and in appearance. Sorry, I’ll try to keep it professional – Kevin Jonas, well, I’m sure he existed too, but he didn’t really make music, he just went into either acting or off the face of the Earth until they made their return. Well, I can’t really discern their voices from each other, but I can tell that the shaky falsetto comes from Nick, and the bland, dime-a-dozen production comes from producers Frank Dukes and Louis Bell, both of which known for their aggressively pointless and emotionless, manufactured instrumentals, especially the guitars here, which are so watery and gross. I like the melodies here and I’d be lying to say it wasn’t catchy, especially the whistling in the post-chorus, but there’s nothing really of interest to speak of here, other than the striking similarity to “Feel it Still” by Portugal. The Man, and in response, I see it, but I don’t care.

Conclusion

Not much here was outright bad except the obvious stinker, so Worst of the Week goes to the Plug, Roddy Ricch, Yxng Bane and Chip for “How it Is”, while Best of the Week probably goes to Sigrid for “Don’t Feel Like Crying”, although I feel like I should mention that I do like “Bally”, so Honourable Mention goes to Swarmz and Tion Wayne for making British faux-dancehall hip hop interesting for a brief three minutes. See you next time!

e

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 3rd February 2019

This is super late so sorry about that, I’m just not sure if I care about this series that much anymore, honestly. I need something to spice it up and I’ve been doing that with the Featured Songs and such (That won’t be weekly, by the way), but otherwise, I need the charts to shake up and be more interesting because right now I’m tired of covering the same stuff every week.

Top 10

And at number-one for a second week is “7 rings” by Ariana Grande, propelled by streaming and sales bigger than even “thank u, next”, as well as controversy and the video. Still a lousy song, though.

“Sweet but Psycho” by Ava Max also stays at the runner-up spot for another week.

Sam Smith and Normani’s “Dancing with a Stranger” is also staying still at number-three.

“Giant” by Calvin Harris and Rag ‘n’ Bone Man is up one space to number-four, switching places with...

“Wow.” by Post Malone, down one spot to number-five.

“Nothing Breaks Like a Heart” by Mark Ronson and Miley Cyrus stays at number-six.

As I predicted last week, Mabel’s “Don’t Call Me Up” is up four spaces to number-seven, entering the top 10 and becoming Mabel’s second single to do so.

Sadly, this means Post Malone and Swae Lee’s “Sunflower” is down one spot to number-eight.

We now have our second top 10 entry and first new arrival, “MIDDLE CHILD” by J. Cole, debuting at number-nine, mostly because of insane streaming, I imagine. It’s actually become his highest-charting single in both the US and the UK, being his fourth Top 40 here and first ever Top 10. Congratulations, but we’ll talk more about it later.

We have another top 10 entry here as well, with “Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi, which is also his first ever top 10, up three spots to #10.

Climbers

Other than the top 10, we don’t have many climbers at all, with the only really notable ones here being “Hello My Love” by Westlife somehow grooving up nine spots to #20, “Shallow” by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper perhaps having an awards show boost up five spaces to #26, and “Leave Me Alone” by Flipp Dinero up seven spots to #30 – I loved that song initially and it has only grown on me, let’s make it a hit.

Fallers

There’s not actually that many of these, either, I mean, we have “thank u, next” by Ariana Grande collapsing 14 spaces down to #22 due to the streaming cuts that happen after a song has been very popular for an extended amount of weeks, but other than that we just have the expected hit for “Psych Out!” by AJ Tracey off the debut, down nine positions to #36. The album’s coming out so it’ll rebounded next week, maybe even reach a new peak.

Dropouts

“Rewrite the Stars” by James Arthur and Anne-Marie is out from #17 due to a streaming cut as well as general Greatest Showman hype dying down, “Ruin My Life” by Zara Larsson is out from #23 (maybe it was that streaming cut, but it didn’t seem like it was eligible for that yet), “imagine” by Ariana Grande is out from #35, “Promises” by Calvin Harris and Sam Smith is out from #38, “This is Me” by Keala Settle and the Greatest Showman Ensemble is out from #39 (and for once it seems like it’ll be STAYING out and not coming back the next week), and finally, “2002” by Anne-Marie is out from #40. There are no returning entries so let’s get straight to the new arrivals, because there’s quite a few.

NEW ARRIVALS

#40 – “Nights Like This” – Kehlani and Ty Dolla $ign

I still think it’s pretty sad that Kehlani has to duet with men in her love songs to get hits or at least attempts at hits, but at least she’s collaborating with some of the most talented urban sing-rappers. We’re not seeing Kehlani featuring Juice WRLD anytime soon is what I’m saying, and I really loved “Playinwitme” with KYLE last year, it ended up becoming one of my favourite songs of the year, so out of that and only that song and “Done for Me” by Charlie Puth which she also featured on (and was also fantastic, and will make my list of the best hit songs of the year), I have high hopes for Kehlani at least, but I know Ty Dolla $ign only for his beautiful features, so I expect this to be pretty great. This is only Kehlani’s second Top 40 hit but is probably more for Ty Dolla $ign because he racks up features like crazy and I couldn’t be bothered to count ones I remembered (Wikipedia doesn’t list the UK chart placement for some reason). Anyway, enough rambling on, is the song good? Well, yeah, obviously. I love Kehlani’s powerful, albeit nasal and almost childish voice, reminding me of Bebe Rexha on “Girls”. That’s probably the best comparison I can make, with the careless high notes showing a lot of naivety but passion, which is perfect for the subject matter of this song, and its catchy hook, reverb-drowned kicks and skittering trap hi-hats. I love how empty and lowkey everything is, it really adds to the atmosphere, although I feel like it’s somewhat underwritten. Ty, who I’m pretty sure is currently serving 15 years in prison for cocaine possession, by the way, has a somewhat underwhelming verse but great harmonies in the hook with Kehlani so, yeah, this is pretty cool. Glad it charted.

#38 – “Swervin” – A Boogie wit da Hoodie featuring 6ix9ine

Oh, come on, I thought we were keeping 6ix9ine in 2018, because he is deservedly jailed for a definite, extended length of time – not for sexual conduct with a minor, but racketeering and fraud is good enough. I do like A Boogie wit da Hoodie though, his album, while bloated, definitely shows his talent and his appeal because he’s a 2000s emo singer who decided to be a SoundCloud trap-rapper in the middle of his career, but hates it. Well, he’s not, obviously, but that’s how he always comes off and it makes a lot of his songs pretty hilarious to listen to, especially when he says something sexually explicit, because he sounds funny with his pathetic falsetto, especially in this song, which is basically a pop song with a 6ix9ine feature... but honestly, I’ve been listening to this song for months, I like it a lot. Boogie isn’t as charismatic as usual, but his melodies here are some of his catchiest and most fun, especially in his verse, where he has a pretty off-kilter flow that almost parallels the polished guitar. Nevermind the chorus, just listen to that snappy refrain... and then hear it get interrupted by 6ix9ine... who is great on the song. He restrains himself from screaming, rather just yelling with great chemistry from Boogie too, as he kind of replicates Boogie’s melody while also dismantles the song entirely, and I like to think that this is a nu-metal song except 6ix9ine is the pedophile version of the Mike Shinoda rap breakdown, and it’s produced by London on tha Track. The outro where Boogie’s vocal is chopped up is great. I’m disappointed to say this is only Boogie’s first top 40 hit (congratulations) and 6ix9ine’s fourth (four too many), but, this is good.

#34 – “Think About Us” – Little Mix featuring Ty Dolla $ign

Little Mix... eh, okay, I don’t like anything they put out. Out of the 23 Top 40 hits the girls have had before this, I’ve liked one. Their 23rd, “Strip” featuring Sharaya J. This is their 24th, and I hope this isn’t as messy, plastic and cluttered as stuff like “Power” and “Woman Like Me”, or as boring as “Touch” or “Hair” (with Sean Paul of all people). Probably won’t be, because Ty Dolla $ign is a perfect human being (who is arrested for 15 years due to cocaine possession), or at least I hope so. I’m pretty sure this is a remix though, which kind of proves that their whole ‘all women!’ motif (that didn’t even end up being true for the album, the lead single was written by Ed Sheeran) didn’t work, sadly, and they need to rely on rappers to get their hits, which is unfortunate but understandable, because they do have to do that, especially right now in pop where women practically don’t exist on the Hot 100 (Yeah, they’re constantly trying to cross over to America again but it’ll NEVER happen). Oh, yeah, this song is awful, but I’m not sure if I’m supposed to take it seriously or as a complete joke because this is bloody incompetent to extreme levels, like this isn’t appealingly glitchy like “Strip” or even Ariana Grande’s “imagine”, it’s just a pop song that should have been aborted because clearly someone misplaced the FL Studio stems and put them in random places with cheap Audacity effects. The girls’ vocals are often too isolated, with only that random reverb-drowned drum hit being their accompaniment as well as a few shrill synths and some fake finger-snapping, until the drop which is just... what? Is this Sean Paul again? Sean Paul mumbled into a microphone and they pitched it down, and that’s how we got the messy vocal drop. It’s just an autotuned deep-voiced man saying nonsense words, and somehow they made that off-beat. How incompetent is the producer, sorry, the four producers? Geez! Ty Dolla $ign’s verse is beautiful and criminally misplaced. Please re-use this verse for your album, which will be released in 15 years after your arrest for cocaine possession. I’m just kidding, he’ll get bailed in a couple months at most.

#32 – “Comfortable” – Yungen and Dappy

I’ve been getting REALLY into British rap recently, mostly because I love the accents. I am British myself, so English accents should be something I’m used to, but “Funky Friday” by Dave and Fredo is equally as funny, perhaps unintentionally, as it is a banger. Fredo released an album and I haven’t heard it yet but I’m definitely going to listen to it at some point because he is the most charismatic dude, with some of the weirdest metaphors I think I’ve heard in pop rap. I hope Dave’s releasing something too, I’m going to listen to that AJ Tracey one too, although I do like some of the more underground stuff, who I hope blow up because they have such good material. Check out “Picasso” by Whvsper, it’s such a fun song. Yungen, however, has never impressed me. I don’t like the dudes who sing, I like the guys with straight bars and blunt, catchy delivery, these melodic British rappers just bore me. This is Yungen’s third Top 40 hit, with his first being “Bestie” (one of the worst songs to come out of the UK rap boom of recent years), featuring a vocalist Dappy, who was the lead singer and rapper of London grime duo N-Dubz, who broke up in 2011. I’m just amazed this dude still gets hits, this being his tenth without the other two members of N-Dubz, and his second since he started to take advantage of the UK rap boom. Oh, yeah, this is pretty good, actually, with some... questionable metaphors and an off-kilter yet boring beat that really does not fit with the cloudy synths and such, although Yungen and Dappy ride it incredibly, Yungen in particular having a great flow in the hook. The melody in the intro is pretty catchy, I like his nasal, obnoxiously British voice. It’s a bit too long, though, and I’m not sure if I’m entirely fond of Yungen’s straining emo voice. Putting that aside, this is catchy, and fun, and that’s all I need in this type of UK rap, so, I’m okay with it.

#25 – “Swan Song” – Dua Lipa

No, Dua Lipa is not dying, and this is not her last ever song. This isn’t HER swan song, this is a song titled “Swan Song” from the film Alita: Battle Angel, first announced in 2003 before starting production for more than a decade and a half, being released in 2019 with a trendy pop singer with a little inoffensive ballad. It’s charted because Britain loves soundtracks, and Britain loves Dua Lipa. If you want proof of that, this is her 12th Top 40 hit since 2015. Honestly, I’m pretty impressed by this, though, as it is NOT inoffensive and it is NOT little. It’s minimalism in its most maximalist way, with an attack of hi-hats assaulting our ears in the most beautiful way with only small muted electronics building it up, almost too much at once, with that insane horn riff and some vocal chanting which sounds great. In the pre-chorus, some reversed orchestral strings in accompaniment with a great guitar solo are added and they’re kind of chopped up just for the sake of the epic drop, which is... so weird. It’s just Dua Lipa yelling in autotune, pretty much, and throughout all of this there’s a deep bass that adds so much “oomph” to the whole thing. This sounds like something Bjork would do, and I’m not saying it’s all that artsy, but oddly experimental and just massive-sounding, with Kanye-like vocal effects surrounding Dua in the instrumental bridge, along with a different horn riff and some more chanting. God, I didn’t expect this, and it’s honestly pretty fantastic. I’m impressed by this, but I’m also surprised, and this intrigues me. Where is Dua Lipa going with her next album? Is it going to be weirder? If so, I hope this somehow ends up on it because this is cinematic. This is a fight scene in pop music form, and I hope it succeeds.

#9 – “MIDDLE CHILD” – J. Cole

Oh, and J. Cole exists, I suppose. Well, I like T-Minus’ beat, I suppose. Apparently they paid like $500 for that horn sample, and it was probably a waste of money because you can barely hear it under some yelling vocal samples, bass, and, sigh... J. Cole is so boring in his solo work. I love a lot of his features because he is insane when he goes off on a track, like on “Off Deez” by JID or “a lot” by 21 Savage, but here, he’s exhaustingly boring. Yeah, okay, that bass is pretty hard-hitting, and I like how Cole sounds with that autotune and distortion (honestly I want more of it), but mostly, his oddly-mixed vocals are just re-treading his desperate attempt to be accepted as hip hop’s “middle child” (sorry, “MIDDLE CHILD”) because he likes both mumble-rappers and JAY-Z, I suppose? Who cares, man? Can J. Cole go away for a year? Have your “Off Season” you promised and go back to appearing when nobody expects you to on trap bangers, whilst crafting a concept and project that anyone would actually enjoy. I like Cole, but he tests my patience with underdeveloped tracks like this.

Conclusion

This is one of the odd weeks when choosing Best of the Week is a difficult choice, but I’m going to give it to Dua Lipa for “Swan Song”, with tied Honourable Mentions to A Boogie wit da Hoodie for “Swervin” and Kehlani and Ty Dolla $ign for “Nights Like This”. Worst of the Week goes to Little Mix, obviously, for “Think About Us” – that track is borderline unlistenable. See ya next week!