#Anyways I have a fever of almost 40° so I’m watching all the movies on my top ten list

[meteor752]

But what if Truman had been gay tho

[thelonelyempath]

Sick Prompts II

1. “If you even so much as look like you’re about to pass out, I’m taking you to the hospital.”

2. “You don’t have to pretend you’re fine for me.”

3. “You were so sound asleep you would’ve missed the fire alarm going off if I didn’t wake you.”

4. “I’ll bring you some food.  It’s almost time to take your meds anyway.”

5. “If I see you leave that bed even once, I’m going to physically manhandle you back into it.”

6. “No kisses until you’re better!”

7. “Baby, it’s just a stomach ache.  You’ll be fine.”

8. “I told you eating that would make you sick.”

9. “Darling, look at me.  How many fingers am I holding up?”

10. “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”

11. “Don’t even think about going to work/class today.”

12. “After all of the times I’ve told you it’s a bad idea, you still insist on going out to play in the rain.”

13. “You know I love you more than anything else in the world, but please cover your mouth when you sneeze.”

14. “We’re almost there, love.  Just stay with me a little bit longer.”

15. “Nightmare, huh?  Must’ve been a fever dream.”

16. “Scoot over.  It’s cuddle time.”

17. “Would you rather go to work/class and suffer because you obviously don’t feel well or stay in bed and get cuddles and forehead kisses and watch movies?”

18. “You can’t say the words vomit and okay in the same sentence.”

19. “You’re sick.  Let me baby you.”

20. “No one is expecting you to get over this immediately.”

21. “Why are you so dramatic whenever you get sick?”

22. “Can you even keep water down right now?”

23. “I know you hate hospitals and all, but I’m taking you to one.  Get in the car.”

24. “Okay Ms./Mr. I’m-not-sick, tell me why you sneezed five times in the span of an hour.”

25. “Please take your medicine, love.  It’ll help you get better.”

“26. “Well considering the fact that you’re shivering, the circles under your eyes are five times darker than they were two days ago, and your forehead feels like it’s on fire, yeah I’d say there’s a pretty good chance you’re sick.”

27. “I love you.  I really do.  But your immune system is shit.”

28. “Go to bed, darling.  You need to be resting.”

29. “You’ll live.”

30. “Oh my, 103.  That’s not good.”

31. “When we get home, I’m gonna wrap you like a burrito in my thickest blanket and put on your favorite movie.”

32. “I’ll be honest, babe.  You’re kinda cute when you’re all cranky.”

33. “You need to eat, love.  Just a little bit for me.”

34. “You look absolutely miserable.”

35. “Ooh.  That cough sounded like it hurt.”

36. “How bad is the pain right now from 0 to 10?”

37. “Aw, poor thing.”

38. “How’s your head feeling?”

39. “Would it make you feel better if I put a warm towel on your head played with your hair?”

40. “Don’t just stand around doing nothing!  Get him/her some water for god’s sake!”

41. “We’re not gonna watch a sad movie.  If you cry, you’ll get more congested.”

42. “As adorable as you look in my hoodie, I’m gonna ask that you please wash it before giving it back.”

43. “Come to bed, love.  I’d be kind of a terrible boyfriend/girlfriend/partner if I just let you sleep on the bathroom floor.”

44. “I find it really odd that you act all big and tough, but become a baby when you’re sick.  But that’s okay.  You’re my baby.”

45. “Don’t even try and tell me you’re not delirious.  You have spent all day mumbling abstract nonsense to yourself.”

[mymindwide]

I’m gonna heal you

Pairing: Ashton x Female reader

Word count: 2059

Warning: none, this is full on fluff with one mention of a prevoius sexual encounter.

Summary: Your boyfriend fell sick, and you’ll see a side of him you haven’t before, while you two share cute moments because of it.

Author’s Note: It was written more than a year ago. Again something I didn’t think I’ll post, but here we are. :) (If you bump into any grammar mistakes, I apologise in advance, that’s because english is not my native language.) Nevermind, I hope you’ll enjoy it!

***

You have a very bad habit, but at least you’re getting better and better while practicing it.

For a while now when you wake up earlier than Ashton (which is almost every single day), and give him his morning kiss he doesn’t even notice it, and you like it that way. Whatever body part you can reach – it always depends on what position he’s sleeping in at the moment of your waking. Sometimes it’s one of his cheeks, sometimes a shoulder, his neck, his forehead. You couldn’t explain why it’s so important to you, maybe you’re just weird, and like watching and admiring him while he sleeps. Knowing how hard they work, it just feels good to see him not worrying about anything and just having a well-deserved rest, even for a few hours.

But this morning something didn’t feel right, not like usually. As your mouth gently touched his temple, his skin felt strangely hot against your lips. You knew you should check it again, but the thought itself made you sweat, because you were not sure he wouldn’t wake up this time. But you convinced yourself pretty quickly that it’s for the good of him, and if he runs a temperature indeed, he needs to wake up anyway to take something in as soon as possible.

You leaned back again and pressed your lips against his temple, and then you tried it with the back of your right hand while your left one checked your own forehead for comparison. Miraculously he didn’t wake up, or leastways didn’t show any sign of will to move or open his eyes, his breathing remained steady, although at this point you wouldn’t even care, because he definitely had fever. Murmuring a low “fuck”, you headed for the bathroom to pick up the thermometer and went back with it to the seemingly sleeping boyfriend.

“Sweetie, just keep it there and do not move, please. We have to measure your temperature” you put the thermometer in his armpit.

He muttered something with his eyes still closed, but on one hand, you didn’t understand, on the other hand you left him there to check what medication you have in the bathroom cabinet. You were happy to acknowledge that you were fully prepared for such disasters, albeit since you moved in with him, thankfully, you didn’t even need to open the medicine box.

You had a slight guess about the possible outcome of this fever measurement, therefore with quick steps you ran to the kitchen to make a tea for your newfound patient. Coming back you put the tea on the nightstand and reached for the thermometer to reveal the truth. 102,2 Fahrenheit.

“Double fuck” escaped your lips as you looked at the display of the digital thermometer.

“Do we have to? I’m not feeling too well” came a drawn-out groan from Ashton.

“No shit Sherlock…” but of course this assumption made you smile. “I wasn’t talking about wanting to fuck. I’m talking about you having a fever. 102,2 °F actually.”

“Oh” this seemingly woke him up as he pushed himself up on the bed.

“Whatever you were planning to do today with the guys, it is out of the question now. And take these in” dropping an antipyretic and painkiller pill on his palm you gave him the now not so hot cup of tea you’d made.

“Yeah I guess so. I’ll tell them” he said before swallowing the pills.

“I’ll be here if you need anything” you indicated the living room. “Lay back and try to take a rest or sleep back” you pecked his forehead.

You turned back from the doorway just to look at him once again, and the cutest sight caught hold of your eyes. Or leastwise your sick girlfriend heart considered it cute… he was sitting in the same position you left him a few seconds ago and just stared in front of him, wasn’t even blinking, you could almost see his brain still processing the info that he most likely got sick. End of the world. You felt for him, you really did, but he looked so lost it was cute. He looked adorably useless and that’s certainly something you have not seen him yet.

For you the bright side of the situation is that at least you really can be here and look after him, since last night you could cook while he was out with his friends. In the background you heard him run a shower.

“So much for resting… but at least it’ll help him cool that body temperature down a bit, so after all it’s not a bad idea at all” you thought.

You made yourself comfortable on the couch and already decided you’ll watch a movie that is entertaining enough to switch off your brain for a few hours, and you exactly knew which one is the perfect choice that meets your high expectations and requirements.

While you were considering your options Ash finished with the shower too and joined you in the living room wearing his leisure pants and a clean white t-shirt.

“Is everything okay? I mean besides the obvious.” you tilted your head back against the sofa backrest to look up at him.

“I have a headache and I start feeling my throat.”

“Sounds like the definition of miserable.”

“Right?! Thank you.”

“Would you like to join me?” you smiled at him grabbing a pillow from the couch that you laid on your lap tapping it a few times.

You didn’t have to ask him twice; picking up the plush blanket which is constantly lying at the end of the sofa he laid down, wrapped himself under the blanket; his head resting on the pillow in your lap, his posture facing the TV. Your fingers, as a pavlovian reflex, dived into his gorgeous hair, whisking away a few stray curls from his face.

“And what are we doing?”

“I was about to watch the greatest movie of all time.”

“The Pursuit of Happyness?”

“Nope, Avengers: Infinity War.”

“That Hiddleston again.”

“Hon, you know he’s going to be killed off in the 10th minute into the movie, right?” you had to laugh.

“Good. He deserves it.”

“What is it? Do I hear jealousy?” you got bloody happy and started enjoying your conversation even more.

“Abslttthhaa nauh” he mumbled something under his nose that reminded you of absolutely not.

"Last time I checked it's not him who's lying on my lap dying."

"Lucky for him, cuz that'd be the last thing he does..."

“Ashton, you’re killing me” you couldn’t contain your laughter.

“Wasn’t kidding.”

“I know” you grinned as your thumb stroked his cheek.

This new Ashton entertained you more and more. You leaned forward to blow tiny kisses on his temple and yoke bone leading a path to his ear.

“Also, last time I checked it wasn’t him who had his way with me on the kitchen counter the other day…” the tip of your nose brushed his ear as you whispered and the mention of your latest lovemaking made a smug smile spread across his face. “And do you know what else I remember?! I remember moaning a three letter name, but it wasn’t Tom… help me out… oh wait, that’s it, it was Ash...” you were trying to add a slight annoyance to the tone of your voice.

“Convinced enough?”

“I have no strength to disagree” reaching back for your right hand to take it in his, he towed it to his lips and planted a kiss on your wrist. Without saying anything he interlaced your fingers and just pulled it to his chest. As if his grumpiness had been cut off, he nestled a bit to find the perfect and most comfortable position, then got fully relaxed and your left hand slipped back into his hair to caress and massage his scalp, to play with his soft black locks.

“Alright, play it, I want to see if he resurrects for the millionth time” he egged you to press the play button to start the movie.

“Oh, we’ll see…” you smiled insinuatingly.

“You’re just joking, right?” he turned his head upwards to look at you. “No, you’re not. They just can’t get rid of that guy, can they?”

“Get comfortable baby, two and a half hour fun just awaits for us” you winked.

Although you watched the movie together, you were pretty sure Ash's thoughts were going somewhere else since you weren’t even like 40 minutes in, when he started playing with your fingers. Your eyes jumped back and forth from the TV to your hands, but eventually your attention ended up on what he was doing. His fingertips grazed your palm and fingers with slow, tender and deliberate moves; it felt intimate like never before, as if he touched your hand for the first time, he went from finger to finger, as if he wanted to get to know and memorize the shape of your hand, the feel of your skin.

Your first thought was “if he won’t stop I’m gonna cry”. But he didn’t stop and eventually and surprisingly you did not cry either, although this scene undoubtedly made you quite emotional, because you haven’t seen him this cuddly in a long time. He’s an affectionate man, but definitely not a clinging one. And you really enjoyed this situation; sometimes you crave this kind of attention like air.

A few more minutes have passed during which your focus returned back to the screen. You felt his hand stopped playing with yours, and with his eyes closing shut he turned over and nuzzling his face close to your belly he fell asleep pretty quickly. Getting your right hand back, now it could rest on his waist, while your other hand could keep caressing his hair, neck, shoulder, just with extra carefulness not wanting to wake him up.

By the end of the movie he still laid on your lap breathing smoothly, and watching him made you think about him being such a positive force. Not only in your life but so many others’, as well. Family, friends, members of other bands whom they met only sporadically…  You loved listening to their stories about Ash being nice and thoughtful and polite. That’s how he treats people in general, even strangers. It’s so effortless for him, yet you have no idea how he does that.  Always thinks about making others happy, but is he happy? Do you make him happy? You can only hope, because he deserves the world. At this point, an unpleasant feeling put a stop to your train of thought.

As much as you didn’t want to do it, and wished to stay like this forever, it was time for you to stand up since you started feeling your legs getting numb after sitting stock-still for the last two and a half hours.

“Ash” leaning over his face you started caressing his cheek with your nose.

Your technic was clearly successful, because he slowly turned over nuzzling his nose against yours demanding more contact. You kissed his cheek, his nose, the corner of his mouth, while he enjoyed the love showering on him.

Soon your lips met in very light kisses that became needier with every touch from Ashton’s side, as you felt his tongue brush over your upper lip. Your heart ached but you had to pull back an inch ending the connection between your lips resulting in a dissatisfied moan escaping his lips.

“Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but if we go into this deeper, you may risk losing your nurse to a deadly disease” you whispered smiling on his lips.

“I’ll make it up to you… in a few days… when I get better” he said sleepily.

“Make up for what?”

“For the canceled double fuck.”

“I can’t with you, Irwin. I swear to you I’ll lock you up in the bedroom until you sleep enough.” you had to laugh tho.

“But you love me.”

“Yes, yes I do. What a correct observation.”

“Good, because I love you, too.”

“I’m glad to hear it. Now come Captain Obvious, let’s sleep a bit more.”

And with this you took his hand in yours and led him into the paradise of peacefulness that is your hospital room for the next few days.

[thewatermelloncat]

Mothering   (part 2)

part 1

Author’s Note: Guys, I’m stoked with this.

Warnings: Occasional swearing

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“Didn’t picture you as a much of a reader” Diego nods to the collection of journals lying on the table as he enters the kitchen.

“They’re Five’s” Allison tells him, turning around from her spot next to the coffee pot on the bench.

“Where is he?” Diego’s eyebrows knit together at his absence.

“I sent him back to bed.”

“Oh, really? He pull another all-nighter?” his frown deepens as he begins to flip through the pages of one of the books.

“No, just wasn’t feeling well.”

Diego makes a sound of pity and closes the journal he was flicking through. “He admit that to you?” he raises an eyebrow at Allison.

She scoffs around a sip of her coffee. “Insisted he was fine as always.”

“He might actually be fine” Diego shrugs as he weighs it up. “You do have a tendency to overreact.”

Allison glares at him sharply, opening her mouth to say something.

“Only sometimes” Diego’s voice raises a pitch as he throws his hands up at his sister’s look.

“Need I remind you how he collapsed in that creep’s attic?” Allison reminds him, lessening her stare a little.

“You make a fair point” he admits.

“And he was shaking” she adds.

“Shaking?”

Allison hums as she takes another swig of coffee. “Has a fever.”

“Aw, that sucks” Diego sympathises. “You know how high?”

She shakes her head. “Didn’t check. Just sent him back to bed.”

“Ugh, bed sounds amazing!” Klaus groans as he drags himself into the kitchen, still half asleep.

“You only just got up” Allison points out.

“You guys are already talking about going back.”

“Not for us.”

Klaus scrunches his face in confusion over what Allison is saying as he flops himself into a chair.

“Five’s sick. Allison sent him back to bed” Diego clarifies.

“See, I thought something was up with him last night” Klaus lies, but the look of pity that crosses his face betrays all pretendences that he was aware of it in the first place.

“Did not” Ben rolls his eyes from where he sits next to Allison, on the bench.

Klaus hisses at him and Allison takes a step back. “That better not have been at me” she eyes him warningly.

“No, it was at someone else” he waves her off.

“Morning, Ben” Allison smiles, knowing that he’s around somewhere.

“He says good morning back” Klaus relays uninterestedly, still in a mood with Ben.

“How did you even get him back to bed anyway?” Diego speaks up after thinking it over for a bit.

“Well, he was his usual stubborn self so I threatened to rumour him into it” Allison explains.

“Atta girl!” Ben smiles.

“Were you actually going to follow through with it?” Diego asks, not believing that she would.

“I don’t know” Allison considers. “Probably not.”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Three mugs sit on the table newly emptied of coffee when heavy footsteps enter the room.

“Has anyone seen Five this morning?” Luther asks.

“Yeah, I found him in here earlier” Allison tells him. “Why?”

“He’s just not looking so great.”

“I know, that’s why I sent him back to bed” she says and before Luther can begin his next sentence, she turns to him with a deadly serious look. “Where did you find him?”

“Going into dad’s office” he tells her, his face falling when she abruptly stands from her chair muttering something about should of having rumoured him, before striding out of the room.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“You lied to me” Allison accuses as she steps into their father’s office.

“Lying implies that I agreed to do something which I then backed out on. I never agreed to do anything of any sort” Five says, not looking up from studying the cover of the book in his hands.

“Then you didn’t listen to me” Allison amends.

“How is that surprising? When have I listened to anyone?”

“Don’t pin this on me” she argues.

“I’m not. I’m just saying” – Five sighs tiredly as he leans a hip against his father’s desk before Allison cuts him off.

“Just go back to bed, please.”

“It’s only a cold, Allison. It’s not a big deal.”

“People used to die from them, back in the day” Luther nods to him and crosses his arms as he leans against the doorway, having followed Allison up.

Five smirks slightly at the notion of his brother thinking that the comment would be helpful.

“Or it might be a bigger deal when it turns into pneumonia because you refused to look after yourself” Allison continues. “And you don’t have the best track record of doing that.”

“Funny, I looked after myself in the apocalypse for over 40 years.”

“Yeah, it was funny how you passed out from a shrapnel wound which you refused to do anything about, wasn’t it?” she mocks him before adding. “That’s the second time I’ve had to bring that up this morning.”

“That’s different” Five mumbles quietly.

“And things are different now” she reminds. “You have time to let yourself rest.”

“Five, just take a day” Luther begs him.

“Or what? You’re going to rumour me into it?” Five challenges, looking at Allison.

She swallows thickly before setting her jaw. “I heard a” – she sighs, cutting herself off. Five had called her bluff, she could never do it.

“Come on, let’s go” Luther nudges her shoulder, knowing they’d lost the battle. Five was too stubborn for his own good.

Allison sighs again and makes to follow him before she turns back around. “You’ll run yourself to the ground” she warns before she finally walks away.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“Five”

…

“Five” Allison’s voice and gentle hand on his shoulder calls him back to the realm of consciousness.

Drawing in a breath, he pushes himself off the surface of the desk which he’d fallen asleep on.

“You know there’s more comfortable places to sleep than on a desk?” Allison ribs at him. “Your bed is right there.”

Five tiredly blinks before glancing over to it. “I didn’t mean to” – his voice is weak and doesn’t make it to the end of the sentence before he breaks off coughing, turning away into his elbow.

“Hey, look at me” Allison instructs and reaches a hand out to place against Five’s forehead after he turns back to her. No comment is made over how he ever so slightly leans into her touch.

“You look terrible” she observes, but there is no insult behind her words.

Five laughs but it sounds more like a repressed cough. “I’m sorry, I should have listened to you.”

“Are you apologising to someone?” she teases, widening her eyes. “How sick are you?”

“Shut up, or I’ll take it back” Five manages a smirk of some sort, looking away from her.

“Should we put these away, yeah?” Allison phrases her instruction like a question, gesturing to the journals open on the desk.

Five doesn’t respond but he helps her in closing the books and stacking them at the back of the desk.

“Did you find anything?” she asks him as they work.

He shakes his head. “Just about sleep patterns.”

“Put you right to sleep.”

“Must’ve” Five’s scoff of amusement sets him coughing again, and Allison silently winces at the deep sounds within his chest.

“You sound horrible” Diego comments as he comes to lean against Five’s doorway.

“I can still kill you” he warns when he has his breath back.

“Yeah, by infecting me” Diego tells him before turning to Allison. “The movies about to go on downstairs.”

“We’ll be down” she tells him.

“Down for what?” Five asks looking up at her after Diego leaves, a bit behind in the conversation.

“Klaus has picked out a movie and you’re joining us.”

“Hate to break it to you, but no one’s going to want my company.”

“No one is going to mind” Allison assures him. “And that way I can keep an eye on you and make sure you don’t do anything else stupid.”

Five shifts uncomfortably in his chair, still reluctant to move.

“Come on, Five. You at least owe me that.”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

For one thing that Five was glad about being dragged downstairs was that Vanya easily picked up on his reluctance to being there. She’d quickly given her chair up for him so he didn’t have to sit on the couch surrounded by people. Normally he would have protested taking it from her, but he couldn’t be bothered and also knew that she wouldn’t take no for an answer.

She hums disapprovingly as she withdraws her hand from his forehead after wrapping a blanket around him. Adjusting the edges to cover over his feet tucked on to the chair, she looks back up to him. “Don’t worry about falling asleep. It’s probably going to be a colossal mindfuck” she tells him quietly with a smile on her lips.

The corner of Five’s mouth turns up in a smirk as she sits down and the screen flicks on.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Despite the fact that Klaus knows sneezing is an involuntary reaction, it doesn’t make it less annoying. Over the course of the movie Five had been dubbing over the soundtrack with short bursts of sneezing fits. Although they were only in numbers of three to four – well, as previously stated, it became annoying.

He was being respectful, Klaus had to give him that. Muffling them into the blanket wrapped around him almost silently. Though for Klaus almost silent wasn’t silent enough, they were still noticeable. Having a completely different reaction than the rest of his siblings who would spare him sympathetic glances, Klaus found himself becoming frustrated.

After hearing Five sniffle at the conclusion of another fit, Klaus glances irritably over to Ben. Hoping that he will understand him.

“He can’t help it” Klaus is disappointed as Ben looks over at their brother worriedly.

Setting his jaw, he huffs lightly before focusing back on the movie. Perhaps he is being unreasonable.

And so, the movie plays on. Klaus occasionally having to explain what is going on with his siblings claiming that it’s hard to understand. Though otherwise he can watch in peaceful silence. That is until Five shifts in his chair.

“Hiht’cht, hi’chh… hih’isshh”

Okay, Klaus can deal with three.

“Hih’ish”

And four. That’s about the standard amount.

“I’ketchu… i’ktcch”

Five and six are pushing it a bit.

“Ih’ketshuu”

Nah – he can’t do it. A dramatic groan sounds from within his throat as he leans his head back against the couch. His siblings draw their eyes over to him each with a varying look of disapproval. Apart from Five who reads the message and stands from his chair, continuing to sneeze as he leaves the room.

The stares of his siblings sharpen at their brother’s disappearance and Klaus shrinks under their gaze. He sighs deeply as he sits up preparing to follow Five.

“Just leave him be” Vanya tells him with her voice clipped. Knowing that if Klaus followed him, he would only make the situation worse.

Klaus knows that too and leans back against the couch, trying to ignore the disappointment of the people around him.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

By the time Five reaches the bathroom down the hall the sneezing has thankfully stopped. He feels lightheaded as he shuts the door behind him, which really serves no purpose since he’s alone. Sniffling miserably against his running nose he reaches forward to pull some toilet paper off the roll before bringing it to his nose.

He coughs at the sudden shift of congestion and sinks to the floor, sliding his back down the wall, too exhausted to stand. For what seems like minutes on end he rotates through new sections of toilet paper and by the time he can breathe well enough his nose feels raw.

Sniffling again and throwing out the last section, he debates whether to go back to his siblings in the lounge. He doesn’t blame Klaus for being annoyed at him, since the frequency of his sneezing was annoying him as well. Though that doesn’t mean that he wants to go back and cause more of a disruption. So, even though he knows Allison would want him to come back so she could keep an eye on him, he pushes himself off of the floor and drags himself back up to his room.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

As soon as the movie credits start to roll Klaus stands from the couch, not bothering to take the disc out of the player. It can stay there for all he cares, or someone else can drop it off in his room. Right now, he knows his priority is finding Five lest he risk the wrath of his siblings.

 “Five?” he knocks quietly on his brother’s door before pushing it open without an answer.

“Hey” Five croaks from where he sits up reading in bed, as the door opens.

“Thought you’d be asleep” Klaus remarks as he steps further into the room.

“Then why are you here then?” Five asks as he places the book down next to him.

“I don’t – fair point” he acknowledges before saying. “I came to apologise.”

“There’s nothing to apologise for. I’m not hurt by it” Five dismisses.

“Whether you were hurt by it or not, it was still bad form and I’m sorry” Klaus apologises pulling Five’s desk chair up to the bed. “I shouldn’t have acted like that when you already feel like shit.”

Five smirks and nods his head as a sign of acceptance. “If it’s any consolation, I didn’t even want to go down there.”

Klaus would have made a joke about it but looking at his littlest brother all humour falls away. “You’re really not well, are you?”

“I’m fine, everyone’s overreacting” Five insists before contradicting himself by coughing, tucking his knees up to his chest and bringing an elbow to his mouth.

“The perfect picture of health” Klaus states sarcastically.

Five doesn’t spare him a glare as he lowers his legs and sniffles deeply into the back of his hand before withholding a couple more coughs in the back of his throat.

“Hey” Klaus says sympathetically, seeing how miserable his brother looks. “Can I get you anything? A peace offering?”

Five shakes his head tiredly.

“You should get some sleep, yeah?”

Five nods as he settles down into the mattress, Klaus lifting the blankets over his shoulders.

“Could you get the light on the way out?” Five asks, his voice muffled by the covers.

“Sure” Klaus smiles at him before he makes his way to the door. Stopping at the edge of the room, he turns around to take one last look at his brother already with his eyes closed, before flicking off the switch and shutting the door softly behind him.

[letterboxd]

Lonesome Cruiser.

Blockbuster composer Tom Holkenborg, aka Junkie XL, talks to Gemma Gracewood about composing for titans, his pride in Dutch cinema, friendship with George Miller and longing for Olivia Newton-John. Plus: his Letterboxd Life in Film and why he’s selling his prized collection of recording gear.

It has been a spectacular spring for Tom Holkenborg, the Dutch musician also known as Junkie XL, who has crafted the scores for multiplex fare such as Mad Max: Fury Road, Deadpool, Terminator: Dark Fate, Sonic the Hedgehog and the upcoming zombie banger Army of the Dead. Only weeks apart, two blockbusters landed on screens with his sonic stamp all over them: Adam Wingard’s Godzilla vs. Kong and Zack Snyder’s re-realized Justice League.

Thankfully, the Godzilla vs. Kong score was complete by the time the Justice League telephone rang. Holkenborg—who had lost the Justice League gig along with Snyder the first time around—knew the Snyder cut was coming; he had closely watched the growing calls for it online. “Zack and I already started talking in 2019. He’s like, ‘What if we were to finish this? What would it take?’ Those conversations turned to ‘Well, how many recording days potentially do you need and how much of an orchestra do you potentially need?’ Finally, somewhere in April 2020, that’s when that phone call came: ‘Okay, light’s green, start tomorrow, and start running until it’s done because it’s four and a half hours’.”

Ray Fisher as Cyborg in ‘Zack Snyder’s Justice League’.

Holkenborg approaches the titanic task of blockbuster film scoring with an engineer’s mindset: “Building a fantastic, huge house with 20 bedrooms and the dance hall and the kitchen… You’re not going to start by building the third bathroom for the third guest room, right?” Once he has identified the scenes that are most important to his directors—for Snyder, they included the introduction of Cyborg, three fight set-pieces, and a scene of The Flash running that comes towards the end of the film—the composer identifies instrumental “colors” in order to build a theme around each character. Then he holds some of those colors back, theorizing that “if you want like an, ‘Oh!’ experience by looking at a painting that has a huge amount of bright yellow in it, it’s way more successful to see fifteen paintings in front of it, where yellow is absent.”

The Godzilla vs. Kong score satisfies Holkenborg’s life-long love of both characters. “I don’t have a preference for either one. I love them both for various different reasons.” Their respective histories fascinate him: Godzilla as a way to make sense of Japan’s nuclear fall-out, and Kong as a gigantic spectacle that ended up attracting the sympathies of the audiences he was supposed to scare. Even when the science makes no sense (“what the fuck are plasma boosters, anyway?!”), Holkenborg is still happy to wax lyrical about the emotional depth of Kong’s stories, the elaborate concepts of the Godzilla-verse, and his musical approach to the pair—dark, moving brass for Godzilla, with synthesized elements “because he is a half-synthesized animal”, and a more organic, complex orchestration for Kong, featuring “one of the world’s bigger bass drums”.

Adam Wingard’s ‘Godzilla vs. Kong’.

All of this seat-shaking bombast is composed on an “insanely massive sound system” in Holkenborg’s small home studio (though he reassures pandemic-stricken film lovers that he has recently seen both Godzilla vs. Kong and Justice League on his laptop—and “really enjoyed watching it like that”). The process, he says, was “pretty intense”, but only in terms of the sheer amount of score needed. Composing in quarantine was not much different from his usual workflow. “I’m a pretty lonesome cruiser anyway. Composing, by nature, is like a solo exercise—obviously with assistance.”

Like many creatives (Bong Joon-ho recently told a film studies class that he is up at 5:00am most days to watch a movie), Holkenborg is an early riser, waking by 4:00am. “I’m super sharp between like 4 or 5:00am and 9:00am, so I like to do a lot of creative work in that slot.” He takes care of business until mid-afternoon, when another creative spurt happens. “And then I have another batch of calls usually to make, and then around 8:30pm, I’m going to retire for the rest of the day and just chill out a little bit and watch stuff that I want to see, read things that I want to read. Right now I’m studying Portuguese.” By 10:30pm, he’s asleep. “And then at three o’clock I get up.” (Needless to say, Holkenborg’s children are no longer small.)

The pandemic simplified a lot of things for a lot of people: for Holkenborg, it has been a moment to tidy up the physical side of his work. In November last year, he opened an online shop to divest the bulk of his gear—synths, pedals, guitars, drum machines and much more—that he has been collecting since the late 1970s. When friends told him he’d regret it, he disagreed. “At some point I’m going to die. I can’t take them to the afterlife. I also found out I don’t need them. I love to have them around, but I don’t need them.”

Tom Holkenborg with the bass drum used in the ‘Godzilla vs. Kong’ score.

It certainly solves the question of what he’d take if his house was on fire. “The hard drives with sounds and music over the last 40 years, 45 years, that’s hard to replace. So, that would be it. I’m just thinking about things that are absolutely irreplaceable and there are not that many, really.” Alas, it’s bad news for that bass drum. “I can’t take that with me when the house is on fire. Unfortunately, it’s going to make the house burn longer.”

Anyone who has interviewed or spent time with Holkenborg will agree: he may be a lonesome cruiser, but he is also personable, funny, loves to settle in for a chat. As he lights his second or third cigarette in readiness for his Life in Film questionnaire, I’m curious about his relationships with the esteemed filmmakers he has worked with—who include his mentor, Hans Zimmer, directors Sir Peter Jackson, Tim Miller, Robert Rodriguez and, especially, Fury Road’s George Miller.

The story of how Holkenborg scored Mad Max: Fury Road bears retelling: that George Miller did not want a soundtrack (“he was convinced that the orchestration of sounds of the cars would be enough to carry the whole movie”), that Holkenborg was only brought in to create a little something for the Coma-Doof Warrior’s flame-throwing guitar, that they hit it off, the job grew, and grew, into a score that covers almost the entire film.

The Coma-Doof Warrior in ‘Mad Max: Fury Road’ (2015).

What is his best memory of Fury Road? “Well, obviously, when I saw the movie for the first time and I was like ‘what the hell am I looking at?’,” he laughs. “What I mostly look back on is the friendship that I developed with George and the film school one-on-one that I got admitted to, while being paid at the same time, to study with somebody like him. We would talk all night about all kinds of things and nothing, because that really defines our relationship so much—a joint interest in so many different things.”

Happily, Holkenborg and Miller are working together again, on Three Thousand Years of Longing. “It’s really great to be in that process with him again. It’s just like about pricking each other with a little needle. It’s like, ‘Oh, why are you saying that?’ We do that with each other to keep each other sharp. ‘Oh, but if you’re doing this, I’m going to be doing that.’ And then, ‘Oh, if you’re doing that, I’m going to be doing this.’ So it’s really interesting.”

What is your favorite Godzilla film?

Tom Holkenborg: 1989’s Godzilla vs. Biollante. It’s a very obscure one where he’s basically fighting a giant rose. Let’s not look for the logic there.

Why has that particular Godzilla captured your heart? It’s so corny. Yeah. Mothra vs. Godzilla is also great. Mothra looks like a very bad Arabian carpet that was imported through customs and it got delivered by FedEx completely ruined and then laid outside for like four weeks in the rain.

‘Godzilla vs. Biollante’ (ゴジラvsビオランテ, 1989).

What is the first film you remember seeing in a cinema? Bambi. I was six years old, yeah.

And is there a film you have fond memories of watching with your family—a movie that became a family favorite? Not, like, a family favorite because our opinions were too diverse for that, but the next movie that became very important to me when I was a little older was Saturday Night Fever. I thought the soundtrack was, like, groundbreaking, mind-blowingly insane. It’s not necessarily those three massive beats of the Bee Gees on there, but all these other really alternative, left-field tracks by bands like Kool & the Gang. And the way that that darker disco music played against that really dark movie about what it’s like to live in New York and become a competitive dancer, it’s incredible. And still, today, it’s one of the movies where film music and the film itself had so much impact on me, even though it’s not a traditional film score in that sense. It’s incredible.

What is the film that made you want to work in movies, given that you also have a whole musical career separate from movies? (Enjoy Junkie XL’s early 2000s remix of Elvis Presley’s ‘A Little Less Conversation’.) For me, the move from a traditional artist into film scoring was a very slow gradual process. There’s not one movie that pushed me over the cliff. It’s just, like, all the great movies that were made. And I still have a list of obscure movies, classic movies that I need to see.

Yesterday I saw the weirdest of all, but I do want to share this: the original, uncut R-rated version of Caligula, [from] 1979. He [director Tinto Brass] was notoriously brutal and he organized orgies and had terrible torturing techniques. But it’s really weird, there’s Shakespearean actors in there, and then it goes to full-on porn sections. It’s really weird. The music is incredible. You can find it online. You will not find it anywhere [else]. I can just imagine what this must have felt like in 1979 when the film came out. Suspiria, that’s another one. It’s just like, how weird was that thing?

What is your favorite blockbuster that you did not compose? Ben-Hur. I’ve seen that one at least 20 times.

What’s your all-time comfort re-watch? The movie I’ve seen the most is Blade Runner. It’s just, like, it’s a nice world you’re stepping into, that fantasy. It’s not necessarily because I have memories [of] that movie that brings me back to a certain time period, it’s not that. It’s just that I just love to dwell in it. It feels a little bit like coming home. You can use it as comfort food, you can use it as, “I’m not feeling anything today”, or the opposite. You feel very great and you feel very inspired and it’s like, “Oh, let’s go home and watch that movie again.”

Terrence Malick’s ‘The Thin Red Line’ (1998).

Hans Zimmer has been an important mentor to you. Do you have a favorite of his scores? Yes, The Thin Red Line. It’s also the filmmaking of Terrence Malick—he forces a composer to think a certain way. He would always say, “It’s too much, make it less, make it smaller, make it this, make it that.” So, A, it’s a very good movie and B, he got Hans into the right place and Hans just over-delivered by doing exactly the right things at the right time and then shining just because of that.

Who is a composer that you have your eye on and what is one of their films that we should watch next? It’s so sad to say, but I mean, let’s call it like a retrospective discovery if you will. I’m so sad that we lost Jóhann Jóhannsson. He was a composer I felt really close to. We started roughly in the same time period making our way in today’s world. Also, Jóhann came from an artist background, even though it was a modern classical background. He made really great records, great experimentation with electronic elements, with classical instruments, and the mix between the two of them—very original way of looking at music. With Denis Villeneuve as his partner in crime the movies that they did were just mind-boggling good, whether it was Sicario or Arrival or Prisoners, and his voice will truly be missed among film composers. So people that are not super familiar with his work, I would definitely check it out.

‘Turks Fruit’ (Turkish Delight, 1973).

What is a must-see Dutch film that we should add to our watchlists? Holland has small cinema, but it has a really rich cinema and a very serious cinema culture. Usually because there’s not enough work in film, people are serious stage performers but then they also act in movies so they understand both really well. And we’ve delivered. There’s a string of actors that make their way to Hollywood or star in well-known series, whether it’s like Game of Thrones, or what we just talked about, Blade Runner. Many directors like Paul Verhoeven, Jan de Bont, the cameraman.

And so a movie that I’d like to pick is an old movie, called Turks Fruit (Turkish Delight) from the 1970s. Rutger Hauer is a younger guy, like, this completely irresponsible guy that starts this relationship with a really beautiful young girl, and they do all these crazy things, they do a lot of drugs and they have a lot of sex. He’s just like a bad influence on her.

Then he finds out she [has] cancer and it’s terminal. And to see him deal with that, and to see him want a change, but also in that change he does a lot of bad stuff at the same time… It was a sensational movie when it came out. And it actually was directed by Paul Verhoeven, one of his earlier films. When you see it, you’re just like, ‘Why am I watching this?’ for the first 45 minutes and then it starts and it’s like, ‘whoa’. So it’s really good, even in retrospect.

Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta in ‘Grease’ (1978).

What is the sexiest film you’ve ever seen? When I was super young, it was definitely Grease, with Olivia Newton-John, when she was in her catsuit at the very end of it. I had her picture on my bedroom, above my bed sideways because I was only like ten years old or something. I was so in love with Olivia Newton-John. It wasn’t the film per se, it was her. Yeah, I find, personally, movies from the ’70s to be more sexy, but it has something to do with the super-loose way that people were dressed and people were behaving.

And the other one was later in life: Basic Instinct. Sharon Stone. I’m not talking about like the famous shot, right, where she crosses her legs. I’m not talking about that, but the way that she acts throughout the whole movie. It’s insane. It’s really great.

Are there any films that have scared you? Like, truly terrified you? Yeah, I’m not a big fan because I get sucked up too much in it. The found [footage] horror movies like Paranormal Activity and things like the Japanese version of The Grudge, I cannot watch that stuff. That gets me too much. Because when I watch a film, I cannot watch it with one eye half open, the other one closed, like, ‘Okay, kind of cool, interesting’. I just get sucked into it.

Is there a film that has made you cry like no other? Oh yeah. Multiple. Once Upon a Time in America. The Godfather. Hable con Ella (Talk to Her). Betty Blue.

Thomas Holkenborg, AKA Junkie XL.

These are the films that make you weep? Not like on a regular basis, but I remember those were the ones that I really got hit. I’m talking particularly about the third Godfather. That whole end scene when they get out of the church and then… It’s really well-acted. So many Godfather fans that were dismissive of the film when it came out, in retrospect, ten, fifteen, 20 years later, are like, ‘it’s a really good film’. And I actually think so.

Final question. Is there a film from the past year that you would recommend, that you’ve loved? [Long pause.] The thing is that I watch pretty much a movie a day. So, that’s like three to four hundred movies. It [has] happened so often that I watch a film and then I’m just like an hour and 45 minutes in, it’s like, ‘wait, fuck, I’ve seen this thing before’.

So, we have an app for that… [Laughs.]

Related content

Junkie XL’s Letterboxd Life in Film list

Freddie Baker’s review of Justice League

Dutch Cinema: Danielle’s extensive list of more than 2,000 films

Letterboxd Showdown: The Perfect Score (best film scores)

The official Junkie XL Reverb Shop

Follow Gemma on Letterboxd

[purplesurveys]

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1. What kind of textures do you enjoy most in your food? Crunchy, crispy, soft, hard, grainy, slimy, etc? I love chewing on any meal that involves rice. Born and raised with it, can’t feel full without it. I’ll give a special mention to slimy too, because I love seafood.

2. Do you keep up any seasonal decorations outside of their season? No. My mom removes our Christmas decor by late January, which is when Christmas season ends here. We don’t decorate for other holidays.

3. Can you remember the most awkward situation you've ever been in? What happened? Ugh god. Any time I’m left alone with Gab’s dad is bound to be awkward because he’s very quiet and stoic and I tend to be a vibrant, cheery people-pleaser and nothing I do will muster more than two words out of him...but our most awkward moment has to be when I was at their place and he had to leave to run some errands. I stood up and walked over to give him a hug, but for some reason the floor was slippery and I started to do the world’s clumsiest and longest stumble. As an instinct, I held on to his arm and shirt so that I wouldn’t fall flat on my face. It was terrible and nothing I could’ve done or said would’ve saved that situation. EUGH I’m wincing right now lmao

4. Can you remember the most scary situation you've ever been in? What happened? [trigger warning] Would have to be the time when my grandfather got too drunk off his ass that he physically assaulted one of my cousins, then a toddler. My aunt (cousin’s mom) is a little on the delicate and petite side and couldn’t do anything to confront my grandpa, who went on his rage for like 10, 15 minutes. Certainly felt like forever. Nothing has traumatized me more and that’s saying a lot, considering it’s been 13 years and I’ve been through tons of shitty situations.

5. Do you do anything unusual to help you concentrate? It’s not very weird but I did install an extension on my browser that would let me list certain sites (usually social media) I’d want blocked whenever I have work. I suppose not everyone has that kind of program so it kinda counts as unusual.

6. Do you ever wonder what your parents were like as children/teenagers? With my dad, yes. My mom tells me enough stories. I know her family hit a rough patch when she was a teenager and they had to sell a bunch of their stuff, including a grand piano. She went from living a comfortable life to having to skip meals in college because she only had enough money for her daily commute.

7. Do you think suicide is ever "okay?" Groan, this is so triggering. I’m not elaborating on this, soz.

8. Would you rather a close family member/close friend/significant other die of suicide or murder? Why is this? “>> I think having to deal with a murder investigation would be terribly messy and intrusive, and would add more trauma on top of what I’m already dealing with.” < All of this. You don’t always get closure with murders, too. And I would hate that.

9. In your opinion, what is the worst thing someone could ever do? Raping an infant is definitely up there for me.

10. In your opinion, what is the best thing someone could ever do? Be a positive change or impact in someone’s life. Idk, I’m easy to please.

11. Do you think about any fellow xangans outside of xanga? I’ll change the context of this question to Tumblr so I can answer it. And yes I do, sometimes. Not in a creepy way or anything; it usually happens when I encounter something in real life that I know another survey-taker likes.

12. What military installation is the closest to you? Fort Bonifacio.

13. Do you still open your windows during winter? We don’t get winter but yeah, December is the best time to leave the windows open throughout the night. It’s also a great time to be able to save on electricity haha

14. How cold is too cold? How hot is too hot? I’ve lived in a tropical country all my life so I’m a big-ass wimp when it comes to the cold, even though I love it more. I start shivering at around 23ºC. Too hot is anything reaching the 40s.

15. Would you rather lose both legs or both arms? Why? Legs. I use my hands a lot more, so it would be slightly more difficult if I suddenly had to move about without them.

16. If you committed a crime that landed you in prison for the rest of your life, but were given the option to receive the death sentence instead, which would you choose? Why? Death. I get to have the infamous ~last meal~. Lol in all seriousness though, I’d pick it because it would be a quick release for me, I guess. It’s a big reason why I’m not a fan of death penalty...it’s too easy an escape for criminals who deserve a lot worse.

17. Is there any specific album you can listen to in its entirety and enjoy every single song? After Laughter - Paramore

18. Would you rather be a famous movie star, television star, or musician? I don’t have talents that would make me succeed in any of these fields...I guess it’d be fun to be a movie star though.

19. If you are not religious, have you ever eaten dinner with a group of people that were and said grace before eating? How was this for you? If you are religious and say grace before dinner, have you ever eaten dinner with a group of people that weren't and didn't say grace before eating? How was this for you? Yes. I’m from a Catholic family, so we pray before every meal. I do a sign of the cross but barely, just so my mom sees I move my hands when we start the prayer; but I haven’t recited grace since I told myself I was going to be atheist.

20. Do you think an evil Santa or an evil Easter Bunny would make a better villain in a horror movie? I’d go with Evil Santa mostly because I have no attachment to the Easter Bunny whatsoever, and because it’d be hilarious to see a man with reindeer be mean.

21. Did you ever think any fictional story-book character was creepy as a child? Do you still think any of them are creepy? Yes. That girl who wears a ribbon around her neck still gives me the fucking creeps.

22. Would you rather wear nothing but white or nothing but black? Is there any color you'd actually want to wear head-to-toe? Black. I’ve done that many times, so it wouldn’t feel weird.

23. What physical/mental health problems run in your family? Do you have any of the same problems? I’m almost certain there are underlying issues on my mom’s side but seeing as none of us have ever gotten ourselves checked (and most of them don’t believe in mental health problems anyway) I doubt I’ll ever find out what exactly’s wrong.

24. What is your mental and physical health like right now? They are both doing surprisingly well considering how long I’ve had to stay home and how much everything has turned upside down. I’ve only had two bad breakdown in four months and I’ve since recovered from that nasty fever I got, so I can’t complain.

25. If you found a suitcase (with no information about the owner) with a million dollars inside of it , would you turn it into the police or keep it? Be honest. ;] “>> See, a million dollars is an exorbitant sum. There is no way I could just casually make off with a missing million and not suffer repercussions. It's just too much goddamn money, and in this particular scenario, it's highly likely that it's a trap of some sort (whether set for me, or set for someone else and my dumb ass just happened to stumble across it). I'm not dumb enough to try it.

Neither would I necessarily want to turn it in, because that might cause me to get involved in something I didn't want or need to be involved in. The most logical course of action for me would be to leave it the fuck alone.” < Yeup.

26. Would you rather gaze at the stars or clouds? Stars. The fact that they’re so much farther away makes them more fascinating to me.

27. Are they any foods you used to enjoy but no longer like? Are there any foods you used to dislike but now enjoy? There’s a certain brand of frozen sisig that I used to looooove and would have multiple servings of every time I had it. But I had it one too many times and now I can’t even stand the smell of it. On the other hand, I hated chicken curry as a kid, but I can’t get enough of it now.

28. Do you feel much older or younger than you are? Why? Neither. I just feel 22.

29. Did you get along with kids that were older or younger than you? I mostly got along with kids of the same age. I found younger kids too rowdy and being around older kids always felt intimidating.

30. Do you know any magic tricks? Nopes.

31. How much would life suck for you if you had a wheat allergy? A lot.

32. Are you able to watch gory scenes in movies? Why or why not? For sure. I always want to see how far FX artists can go; and if used correctly, gory scenes can be super integral to the movie. Midsommar is a really good example.

33. Do you constantly check the time? Does time seem to move quickly or slowly for you? Not anymore. I used to check it a lot while I was still in school. Sigh, I miss that life so much. Anyway, time definitely felt slower during the first few weeks of the lockdown, but now that I’m used to it days just fly by. I can hardly believe we’re nearly in the middle of July. So much of this year has been wasted. It’s miserable.

34. Would you rather live in a nice house in a bad location, or a less-than-nice house in a great location? I’m taking the great location. I don’t know if I can last living in a shady area, no matter how beautiful my house is.

35. Have you ever been a witness to a horrible crime? What happened? Domestic violence is the worst thing I can think of. I enumerated one of them in one of the earlier questions, but I witnessed several other cases as a kid.

[i-am-too-sick]

Sick Days, Day 2: The Good Samaritan

“He still hasn’t gone inside.”

“Maybe he’s looking for a victim. Like a nosy neighbor who keeps watching him through the peephole.”

Will turned around, pulling a face. “I’m worried about him. What kind of person paces outside their door for an hour? It’s almost 40 degrees outside.”

“What kind of person watches a total stranger pace outside their apartment door for an hour?”

“Cecil!” Will was smiling, embarrassed about being called out, but there was still a hint of desperation on his face. He was obviously still bothered by the tenant next door.

He sighed, defeated. Will knew Cecil was right, and he had never been under the impression that spying on their neighbor wasn’t weird, but Will was a natural worrier and when he’d come home after work with an armful of groceries to see their reclusive dark-haired, olive-skinned neighbor pacing outside his door, Will couldn’t help but be slightly suspicious.

Cecil swore their neighbor was a vampire, but Will couldn’t help but think maybe he was just a little shy. He’d lived at the apartment before Will and Cecil had even moved in and there had definitely been no welcomed greeting when they had. Will thought maybe he just liked to keep to himself.

“Give it up, Solace,” Cecil called, pulling down some bowls for their dinner.

Will couldn’t resist one more glance through the peephole. Maybe Cecil was right and their neighbor was waiting for poor Mr. Brunner from down the hall, eager to suck out his life force before anyone had a chance to look.

“He’s gone.”

“Good, now come sit down and eat.”

“No,” Will said, shaking his head. “Something’s not right.”

Before he even realized what he was doing, Will unlocked and wrenched open the front door. He stepped into the breezeway, assaulted by the frigid winter air. No neighbor to the left, no neighbor to the—oh.

He was sitting on the sidewalk in front of his door, his knees drawn tightly to his chest. Will could practically hear his teeth chattering from where he stood.

“Cold?”

Dark, piercing eyes bore into Will and for a second, Will was almost willing to accept Cecil’s vampire idea. “What do you want?”

“Why are you just sitting out here? I can’t imagine it’s very comfortable, or very warm,” Will added as an afterthought.

“Do you think I like sitting out here? I locked myself out.”

Will shrugged, completely unfazed by this guy’s obvious annoyance. He was used to gruff people all the time from his shifts at the hospital. “I don’t know what you like. I don’t even know you.”

His neighbor sniffled thickly and cleared his throat. Not that that dampened the untrusting glare he sent in Will’s direction. “Then why do you care?”

Will smiled a bit, stepping fully out of his apartment. “Because you look like you could use a hand, and my door is already unlocked.” Something in the back of his mind told Will that he should be patient, treat this guy like he would a feral animal (admittedly, he was acting like one), but Will extended his hand, offering to help him up. “You should come inside. Maintenance won’t be able to come out until the morning anyway.”

Will expected him to outright refuse. He seemed the stubborn type and neither one of them could ignore the fact that they were total strangers. Instead, Will was completely caught off guard by his next question, “You’re not an axe murderer, are you?”

“Do you really think I would tell you if I was?” Will snorted, rolling his eyes—turned out Cecil wasn’t the only one with ludicrous fantasies. “No, I am not an axe murderer. I’m just someone trying to keep you from turning into a human popsicle.”

His neighbor still looked a little wary, but Will could tell the prospect of being inside a warmed apartment was too good to pass up. Hesitantly, he accepted Will’s hand, grunting softly as he stood. “Thank you,” he mumbled awkwardly.

Up close, Will could see the shadows beneath his neighbor’s eyes. They were bloodshot, and overall extremely tired-looking. Still, Will forced a smile and led the newcomer toward his door.

“I’m Will, by the way. My roommate Cecil is inside.”

“Nico,” the other replied, nodding.

A name as cool and mysterious as the person in front of him, Will thought.

Will led Nico inside, almost grinning as the other’s shoulders slumped immediately, as though simply being inside a warm apartment could sap all the tension from his shoulders.

“Isn’t this better than sitting outside in the cold?” Will asked. He didn’t know if it was too soon to offer Nico their couch for the night. “Cecil made stew if you're—”

Nico shook his head vehemently, wrinkling his nose. Will thought maybe he was just disagreeing with the menu option, until Nico rocked forward with three powerful sneezes that ended in a decidedly wet sniffle. “I’m not hungry,” he said finally.

Will couldn’t help when the doctor in him kicked into high gear. He rested his palm against Nico’s forehead, pulling back swiftly before the other had a chance to protest. “You’re burning up. Why didn’t you say you were sick?”

“I’m tired, that’s all.” Nico definitely sounded defensive, but nothing in his words or his posture said that he wasn’t being truthful.

“An understatement by the looks of it,” Will retorted before he had a chance to stop himself. Nico’s eyes were sunken and underscored with black, a true testament to how tired he really was. “Ah—sorry, that was rude.”

Nico coughed roughly into his fist, waving his hand dismissively at Will’s comment. Before he knew what was happening, the roommate, Cecil, was forcing a mug full of broth into his hands.

“I said I’m not—“ Nico stopped, gripping the mug to avoid spilling its contents in his lap. It was blissfully warm in his hands and the steam made his nose run. He held it tightly between his palms, hoping the heat would permeate through his fingertips to warm the rest of his body.

“I think he approves,” Cecil said about Nico, waggling his eyebrows in Will’s direction.

Will rolled his eyes. “So, Nico, was it?” he asked as though he didn’t already have the name tucked away into his memory. “How long have you been sick? You said you weren’t hungry—are you nauseous? Have you taken your temperature recently?”

Nico raised an eyebrow, peering out at Will over the rim of his mug. As not hungry as he may be, Cecil’s soup smelled delicious and Nico found himself unable to avoid taking a sip. “What are you, a doctor or something?”

“As a matter of fact, I am,” Will said, sounding proud. “But back to you—“

“I’m not nauseous. Just not hungry.”

Will gave him a small, relieved smile. “Why don’t you have a seat?” he said, gesturing toward a large armchair. “You’re dead on your feet. I don’t want you keeling over and spilling broth all over the carpet.”

“For a doctor, you have terrible bedside manner.” Still, Nico took the invitation and sat down, curling his feet onto the seat beside him.

Cecil rolled his eyes and Will chuckled. Even if he was essentially a stranger, it was nice to have Nico around. They didn’t talk to many of their other neighbors, so it was a nice change to finally really interact with one of them.

Despite himself, Nico yawned. His head was full and throbbing with congestion and because of it he hadn’t been sleeping well the past few nights. The sniffles and the coughing and achy muscles had followed shortly after.

“You should try to get some sleep. We have a guest bed—“

Nico shook his head, interrupting Will. “I don’t even know you,” he said, though not unkindly.

Frowning, Will opened his mouth to protest, but Cecil cut him off, grinning. “Well, we were just going to hang out and watch some movies. You’re welcome to stay here and watch with us.” He reached around the armchair and took the mug from Nico, noting that he really didn’t seem interested in eating. Seeing how tired he looked, Cecil could bet that Nico would fall asleep pretty quickly, and if he spilled anything on the chair Will would have a cow.

While Nico was nodding in agreement, too tired and too comfortable to be anywhere else now. Will had come around with a bottle of fever reducers, shaking a couple out and passing them to Nico with a bottle of water.

“You sure are nice to someone you barely even know,” Nico said, taking the pills.

Will shrugged, smiling. “Can’t argue with that,” he teased.

They’d only made it twenty minutes into the first movie before Will looked over and saw Nico curled up in the armchair, snoring softly. He looked immensely more comfortable than he did sitting outside and the thought made Will smile fondly, all the while ignoring Cecil’s playful elbow nudge to his side. Will definitely did not have a crush.

[agirlneedsgoals]

State of the Me

I’mm read more this for ease of scrolling past.

* I spent 2 hours at my new GP’s office yesterday. They are all v nice, but they had an issue earlier in the day and it pushed everything back. At least three people left/rescheduled, and they were all before me, so I’m grateful for that. It was p much just a meet and greet, go over the laundry list of shit that’s wrong with me, get scripts. They picked up all scripts, except for the ones from my therapist, except for my nerve pain meds, which I can’t remember why my therapist picked that up, anyway.

* Speaking of scripts, my insurance still hasn’t figured this out, so I made the new pharmacy transfer back to the old pharmacy because the new pharm had one--ONE--of my scripts for $175 for the 30 day supply. The old pharmacy can do ALL OF MY SCRIPTS for $275. So we’re back to that until I get the insurance to figure out what the fuck their problem is. Tbh, getting the insurance just ruined everything. I’ve had to break into my emergency backup stocks and I am one day out from running out of important things. Sure is good to have insurance.

* I didn’t have to pay anything for the GP appt, tho, so there’s that.

* I have passed everything this semester and I am happy for that but I’ve already started on some of the stuff for summer classes because it is causing me Anxiety with a capital A. I am not a fan of summer classes this time around. I felt SO MUCH BETTER when I thought I was going to get a summer break. I haven’t had a break from classes in years and I know it’s only two classes, one in person, one online, but it just...I don’t like it. On the plus side, once Fall comes around, my only classes will be my internship and my capstone and then I’m done. With my AA, even.

* This is my sixth time through college. I keep changing my mind, rapid-fire. Mom paid for a lot of it, I put about $40 grand on student loans, and I paid for some of it out of my own pocket. Jesus fuck, find something and stick with it, guys, it’s goddamn expensive to be fickle.

* I just want to sleep all the time, but this time less because I’m a depressed, broken thing, and more because I can’t sleep more than 20 minutes at a time at night and my sleep maintenance insomnia is getting ridic. Boo hoo hoo.

* While I was attempting to stay asleep this morning, I kept having dreams of Misery, by Steven King, specifically the movie. What the f? I haven’t read/seen that in years. There’s been nothing recently. WHY THAT? Why focus on that? Sometimes I was Sheldon but most of the time I just watched it like a movie. But the hobbling scene was prevalent and I did not appreciate that, thanks.

* OKAY. So good things from here on out! And a cookie to you if you read this far.

* Mom and I are going to The Silence of the Lambs tonight! We went to Saturday Night Fever on Sunday--I kind of hated it? it’s The Catcher in the Rye for the 70′s, complete with entitled teenage asshole; it’s way better than TCitR, tho, but I still had a lot of trouble caring about what happens to Tony and the ending came outta nowhere--and then @bakelovenotwar and I have most of the Studio Ghibli Fest set for the rest of the year. Everything except Totoro (we’re in CA then) and Spirited (we just saw it in September or something). Roxie and I also have The Fifth Element coming up.

* @bbluekitty will be in town around my birthday! We are going to see Guardians 2 and hang out and catch up. I have an art gift for her! But I also need to finish her necklace. I started with nylon cord because I didn’t know any better but it is damn slippery and hard to tie when you need to. Maybe I’ll put an actual facts clasp on it.

* Roxie and I have watched 4 episodes of GoT now, so she’s almost to the end of s1. I was thinking about all the other seasons and things that happen this morning. I’m shoring up to watch it; so heavy but so good. <3

* I’m on my 8th rewatch of Westworld. Dolores was p much stripped down to her undies when that family finds her painting. No lady of good standing would have shown her arms like that in the late 1800′s. :o Dolores, you are scandalous. I’m so glad we got to see the under bodice, tho. I love the costuming.

* Roxie bathed all my dogs yesterday while I was stuck at the GP’s! They are all clean and smell good and are so fluffy and soft. I haven’t put Pumpkin’s collar back on because it’s filthy and I need saddle soap to wash the leather. But she’s sooooo silky soft.

[chara-killer-bear]

ALL U TRASH BEAN

1. What is you middle//full name?

Alias: Sally Janches

Real Middle Name: Jane Deveza

2. How old are you?

15 turning 16 in 4 days

3. What is your birthday?

January 27, 2001

4. What is your zodiac sign?

Aquarius uvu

Chinese zodiac would be the snake~

5. What is your favorite color?

Redish-pink or a really dark shade of blue

6. What’s your lucky number?

4 or 8 or 16

7. Do you have any pets?

A cat named Peter and a few goldfish that are floating about in the tank atm :”)

8. Where are you from?

Santa Clara, California

9. How tall are you?

4′9″ to 4′11″ sadly :”)

10. What shoe size are you?

flats it’s a 3 or 3 ½ and with sneaker it’s a 5 or a 6–

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

More than 25 that’s for sure–

12. What was your last dream about?

Last dream was something revolving around some fantasy plot– I forgot what most of it was- but the only thing I remember was that I was tryna exit the dream or something and this wizard is all like “in order to escape you need to forget” and I’m like “lmao let’s get this over with”

13. What talents do you have?

- Whistle

- Went through the suffering process of drawing

- Be a meme

14. Are you psychic in any way?

For some reason through dreams–

Y’know in all honesty I remember there was this particular vision I had in the middle of 6th grade and still traumatizes me to this day but you’d probs have to bug me a bit before I actually tell ya

15. Favorite song?

- Jenny by Studio Killers

- Say You Like Me by We the Kings

- Pretend by Bad Suns

- Rather Be by Clean Bandit

- Dead Hearts by Stars

16. Favorite movie?

- Coraline :”)

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

@static–things​

18. Do you want children?

Only the future will tell–

19. Do you want a church wedding?

Not sure–

20. Are you religious?

Just a bit– But not one of those hardcore religious people– Just a lil–

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

A few times– Although mostly because I was a small child and I kept getting sick a lot–

I remember we had to perform surgery on me when I was a toddler because there was something wrong with the gums on my teeth

I was really close to going to the hospital when I was around 8-10 because I was struck with a really high fever and my body was close to dying, until my mom force fed me to eat a whole bunch of healthy foods, I threw up many times, and the next day I was fine. According to my mom, I was in that bad of a condition probably because my grandma kept starving me from food when my fever began.

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

Got scot-free though

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

I would say the Prince of India, since my uncle’s sister is married to him and I was at their wedding– I was probably around 7-8 at the time though

24. Baths or showers?

Showers :”)

25. What color socks are you wearing?

Pink

26. Have you ever been famous?

Nah– I’m just your average nerd who just needs Internet to live :”)

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

Nah–

28. What type of music do you like?

I really don’t have a particular type of music I like– 

Well, except Christmas songs– If they count–

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

Nope.

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

0-1 

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

I think it’s called fetal position???

32. How big is your house?

1 room

1 living room

1 kitchen

1 creepy ass hallway

1 bathroom

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

Mostly I don’t even eat breakfast, but when I do it’s just mostly things I can cook fast, like pizza or ramen–

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

Sadly nah :”)

35. Have you ever tried archery?

:”)

36. Favorite clean word?

Oh my goodness–

or

Oh golly goodness

37. Favorite swear word?

F U CKITY FUCKERTONS

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

1 week :”)

39. Do you have any scars?

Yeah– burn scars; one each on my arms and one on my ankles–

I’m pretty sure I have a scar on the back of my neck–

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

I don’t know- do I?

41. Are you a good liar?

I’m not even sure anymore–

42. Are you a good judge of character?

Maybe??? I’m not sure???

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

Sorrey eye onley spek Engliph

44. Do you have a strong accent?

Meh– Not really–

45. What is your favorite accent?

ENGLISH ACCENT OR MAYBE SCOTTISH

46. What is your personality type?

ENFP

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

Honestly this coat I have lying around that’s around $40–

I probably have another article of clothing that’s much more expensive than that but I can’t name any atm–

48. Can you curl your tongue?

T A C O T O N G U E

49. Are you an innie or an outie?

Innie

50. Left or right handed?

Ambidextrous!

51. Are you scared of spiders?

Nah– I find them interesting~ 

52. Favorite food?

SPAM M A S U B I

53. Favorite foreign food?

PALABOK

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

If I were a clean person I would know where tf my Kindle is now :”)

55. Most used phrased?

- jfc

- G OLLY GOODNESS

- FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

- Hello darkness my old friend-

56. Most used word?

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

A good 30 minutes of me actually getting ready :”)

58. Do you have much of an ego?

At some level, but not egoistic

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

Bite :”)

But whenever I’m working on something mostly I just suc

60. Do you talk to yourself?

H eh, well according to @static–things​ apparently I do–

61. Do you sing to yourself?

Every day :”)

62. Are you a good singer?

Nah

63. Biggest Fear?

h EI G H T S

64. Are you a gossip?

Not sure–

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

I guess There Will Be Blood? There’s probably a more dramatic movie I watched but the first thing that popped up when it comes to drama is There Will Be Blood

66. Do you like long or short hair?

Meh– 

Both?

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

1- California

2- Texas

3- New York

4- Oregon

5- Washington

6- Idaho

7- Wisconsin

8- Utah

9- Colorado

10- New Mexico

11- Oklahoma

12- North Dakota

13- South Dakota

14- Kansas

15- Arkansas

16- Maryland

17- Massachusetts

18- Nevada

19- West Virginia

20- Vermont

21- Pennsylvania

22- Montana 

23- Tennessee 

24- Wyoming

25- Michigan

26- New Jersey

27- New Hampshire

28- Ohio

29- Hawaii

30- Alaska

31- Florida

32- Louisiana

33- Illinois

34- Nebraska

35- Missouri

36- North Carolina

37- South Carolina

38- Iowa

39- Kentucky

40- Indiana

41- Alabama

42- Georgia

43- Virginia

44- Connecticut 

45- Delaware

46- Rhode Island

47- Maine

48- Minnesota

Aaaaaaaaand I’ll end it there

68. Favorite school subject?

HISTORY AND ENGLISH

69. Extrovert or Introvert?

I’d like to say both–

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

Nope :”)

71. What makes you nervous?

Many things:

- anxiety

- the ever-so impending fear of people leaving me, people hating me, etc.

72. Are you scared of the dark?

Nope–

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

Sometimes–

Mostly just to be an ass lmao

74. Are you ticklish?

Yep :”)

75. Have you ever started a rumor?

… h eh

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

Nah– I’d panic if that happened though

77. Have you ever drank underage?

Nope–

78. Have you ever done drugs?

Hell nope–

79. Who was your first real crush?

First real crush would either be this guy named Aaron or another guy named Lam

80. How many piercings do you have?

2- considering they’re ear piercings

81. Can you roll your Rs?“

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrojo

82. How fast can you type?

Last time I checked it was around 72.9 WPM

Lemme check again

87.9 WPM

83. How fast can you run?

Faster than the chaser that’s for sure–

84. What color is your hair?

Dark brown

85. What color is your eyes?

Brown

86. What are you allergic to?

Well one thing for sure is hot dogs–

I swear, redirecting to 21, my fever started because of this hot dog I ate at Target-

So in summary of chain of events, first I ate a hot dog at Target with my grandma back when my hot dog allergy wasn’t as bad as it is now- and before my grandma drove me to her workplace(because back in the day my dad was no where to be seen, my mom had to work, and since I had no where else to go to after school, that’s when my grandma stepped up and decided to take me to her workplace every after school despite her boss telling her she can’t)

After my grandma drove me from all the way to Rosemead to LA where her workplace is at, I felt like dizzy and sick for some unknown reason at the time but thought it would pass. There was this room that was dedicated for my use only in my grandma’s work because no one used it, and it had a huge couch. So I pretty much crashed on that couch, waited for the dizziness to pass, and slept. 

Next thing you know it, I woke up and in an instant I threw up both on the couch and on the carpet floor(which would explain why a few days after they got rid of the couch and the stain on the carpet remained forever as this black blotch among the original red hue of the surrounding carpet. They were bound to get rid of that couch anyways; my grandma always told me that it used to be owned from the past establishment it was before it was an eye clinic- which was a morgue. So basically not only did I sleep on a couch that was sat on doctors sucking the blood out of dead people, but it could possibly be soaked with dead people’s blood.)

Right after that happened, I kept hurling in the bathroom, and when it came to the time where my grandma had to leave the clinic, my grandma gave me a bucket for me to throw up in case I do- and pretty much the following night I felt like shit- couldn’t breathe most of the time, felt hot everywhere, absent from school for at least a week or so because I felt that horrible, and almost had to go to the hospital, but ironically felt better when I threw up after my mom force fed me food. 

87. Do you keep a journal?

Not anymore– Unless notes on iPad and Chromebook count–

88. What do your parents do?

Secret~

89. Do you like your age?

16 MY FAVORITE NUMBER

90. What makes you angry?

- If someone hurts any one of my loved ones

- Bigotry

91. Do you like your own name?

Meh- Could change it to Sally

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

Not really–

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

Maybe girl~ It’s not like I really care that much though, girl or boy or nonbinary, I’ll still love them the same

94. What are you strengths?

BE A M E M E

95. What are your weaknesses?

Not sure–

Depends from person to person I guess–

96. How did you get your name?

Honestly my mom thought I was going to be born a Capricorn, and since she had way too many bad experiences with Capricorns, she thought it would be a good idea to name me a name that sounded “spunky”, which is a trait she kinda disliked. However jokes on her, I was born late, thus I turned out to be an Aquarius, and now I turned out to be a smartass. 

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

Don’t recall so–

98. Color of your room?

White/Beige

99. Color of your bedspread?

Can’t say for certain– I would say either white or patterned–

100. Make up your own question

Favorite type of milk?

Strawberry milk~

[casualdestinynut-blog]

“Like a psychopath”

I am so sick.  So unbelievably sick.  I wake up choking on thickened topographies of yellow.  There’s magma in me.  Sulfur.

I was sick in late-November/early-December too.  It’s not unheard of for me to get sick in the winter, but this year I’m concerned about my aorta.  There’s an aneurysm at its root that’s always been present but is approaching the size needed to get the surgery to correct it, which is very likely to increase my lifespan.  I’ve been spending the better part of the year deciding whether I was going to get the surgery, when American society and culture can be so hellish and unnecessarily cruel.  I have decided to get the surgery.  With this cold I hope I last till the surgery date: there are the dread “flu-like” symptoms that accompany a dissection that I’m worried about.  There’s no fever though, just the severe mucus discharge, post-nasal drip.  The developing cough.  The aches.  The weakness.  But there is no fever.  There is no fever.  The cold is worse than the one that I had earlier this month; I spent yesterday in bed, reading, resting.  Waiting.

There are three, but only two of them are talking.

It’s actually difficult to write when sick.  I’ve been attracted to lying in bed.  I’m not even going to walk my dog today.  I love my dog.  He’s a dachshund and he’s cute and cuddly and seems to know that I’m not feeling well.  This is the first time I’ve been so sick I don’t want to get out of bed in over a year.  No desire to actually move through physical reality.  None whatsoever.

There’s still oatmeal to eat.  Then I go back to bed.  I’m lazy.  It’s okay to be lazy.  I wonder if anyone’s reading this.  My journal.  That I keep online.  When I kept it on facebook I’d get likes and comments from people I used to know intermittently.  There was an intermittence to the timing of said likes and comments.  They stopped coming.  I deleted my facebook account.  Here there are no expectations.  I expect no one to like my posts.  Or even read them, really, though it would be nice.  It would be nice for some non-verbal communication.

So, it takes about 2 weeks to recover from a flu.  If it’s the flu.  A flu, which I think it is.  So far I’ve drunk more water today than I think I have for many days.  My throat is sore so it discourages the consumption of fluids.  Solids too, for that matter.  I’ve started reading a novel by Don Delillo.  His style has rubbed off on me.  Spiritual frotting.  I like his spirit penis rubbing on me via his externalized intellect.  Reading a book is to a large extent for me a sexual act, like writing a book.  I cuddle with my favorite authors.  I read them in the bed.

The book is Libra, a fictionalized account of the life of Lee Harvey Oswald and the Kennedy assassination.  I’m almost nostalgic for the worldview: my mom’s family were ethnic Italian-American Catholic Democrats who were in awe of Kennedy as any Catholic in that era was, the absolute unquestioned Golden Age of American Catholicism, the 40s, 50s and 60s, where everyone has a theory about Kennedy’s assassination.  My mom married a Republican Protestant, converted and so now when I read a book from someone enamored enough of the 60s political era and especially from the Catholic point of view it’s like I’m being let back into my mom’s family who used to live close together when I was growing up but who have now scattered across the country.  It’s like I’m still watching football with them in the living room, living off second hand smoke.

I haven’t read a book in many months, basically since I started hosting the writers’ group.  I’m going to discontinue it; last night I sent an email to the two people who come most often and asked them if they want to take it over.  They haven’t responded yet.  I’ve become weak with a cold.  It’s a cliche.  I’m Lemuel Gulliver.  Now I stay in the house, ill and having decided to get the surgery that will extend my life beyond its natural extent.  Is this how weak I’m going to be after the surgery?  It takes a few months to recover from it.  It’s unfortunately located in an area where non-invasive stent technology hasn’t been developed yet to address the kind of aneurysm I have.  Just four days ago I wasn’t this weak.  This is a cold.  A flu.  That is what’s happening.

Black hair.  One thing I learned about white people with black hair going out attending meetups is that we’re put on trains, figurative trains of thought that lead to our destruction in physical reality.  It was like everyone knew my story before I did.  The people I met were nearly completely divorced from the Western philosophical tradition/cannon.  With one exception they knew nothing of the broader high arts tradition.  They were imminently popular, anti-intellectual and thought only the body existed.  Social justice is a falsehood.  I missed listening to the radio.  I missed living my beautiful life, broke yet productive and reading.

Guns and flowers.  Guns and flowers are what I kept thinking about.  It was the train I kept finding myself on, along with trees.  “You lumberjack, you.”  Was I supposed to cut down his house?  There was no synchronous event with the neighbor yesterday on the dog walk.  His house was still after I looked at his facebook page.  The dog didn’t bark.  He was challenging me and I didn’t want to be challenged.  He was doing it for months.  I know what happened: the social pattern with the light-brown haired is that when a light brown haired woman *imagines* an offense that I’ve perpetuated on her, a light brown haired guy comes to exact retribution from me in *reality*.  Both he and his wife have light brown hair.  She saw me outside her house walking my dog with a flashlight after dark.  Did I scare her?  I was walking my dog, is what I was doing.  The next time I saw the guy he was wearing a miner’s helmet that he shined in my face and started screaming “WHOA!”  He hasn’t worn the miner’s helmet since, but not long after I started to lift heavier weights and I hurt my back.  Permanently.  Spelunking and Aspen.  An avalanche.  Some days every step I’m in pain.  My hard-won exercise severely curtailed.  He feels guilty for it.  I know he feels guilty for it.  I know it was premeditated trickery, that he had every intention of not letting live and let live -- that’s why I say that he taught me it’s impossible to live and let live, because he tricked me and I know he feels guilty for it.  How do I know this?  Because I found myself in perfect timing with him again.  It kept happening.  For a couple years it happened.  I’m not saying that I wasn’t crazy when he met me.  I’m not saying he offered to talk to me and I couldn’t look him in the eye because I was crazy.  I’m not saying I didn’t want to talk to him, but that I knew we weren’t compatible because of how social he is and I was cloistered in a house in this very subdivision in my teens, not being to youth group at church and instead being told that I should be grateful for the Hollywood movies my parents got me to watch.  I thought it was because of my deformity, though anyone living that life is going to think there’s something wrong with them.  I knew we weren’t compatible because he lived and was living the life I’d dreamed of living but was told I couldn’t, and I was envious and still am envious of him, and I didn’t want to taint his life with my envy.  But I don’t think I deserved to be tricked.  Again, how do I know he feels guilty for tricking me?  I had and still have no intention of killing him or his family.  But there was a synchronous situation where I was approaching his house while I was walking my dog on Halloween, and his car approached from the other direction full of children, and when it parked in the driveway I watched as told his family to just stay in the car and wait until I’d walked away before they got out.  That’s how I figured out that he tricked me, and how I know he feels guilty for it, because he was afraid enough of my presence on the street .  And recently, the same thing happened -- the same thing happened, where I didn’t *really* offend a light brown haired girl, but a light brown haired guy took a real sort of retribution on me for an imagined offense on the light brown haired girl.

I admit to huge spikes in blood pressure after he tricked me; just seeing him and sometimes even thinking about him cause huge spikes in my blood pressure after I hurt my back.  But it was the incident on Halloween where his guilt was on display; the thought never even crossed my mind, though I realized he was afraid of me and the possible harm I could do to his family.  But the thought never crossed my mind.

So, there’s revenge to consider.  I’m not going to kill him, but there are other ways to take revenge that are more subtle.  The question is: how?  How is a resolution.  Maybe this is the very thought he had with his wife.  I did want to talk to them, but I didn’t know how.  I don’t think I deserved revenge.  I didn’t do anything to them, and it wasn’t till after I hurt my back that I started acting like an actual stalker.  Some part of me knew, but I withheld judgment until I saw him display his feelings of guilt, and the pattern repeated with another light brown haired opposite sex couple.

Anyway, I keep a vegetable garden in my front yard.  Maybe I’ll just keep a flower garden and put gun decorations in the pots, turn the pots into large train figurine on a track with compartments.  Lighter haired whites are a problem.  I can’t just live and let live with them.  His entire family is now subjects of my novel.  They’re all going to be characters.  He created a stalker, is what he did -- he wanted a stalker, and so I’m going to give him one.  I wasn’t stalking him for two years, but he was shouting stuff at me in passing on the street.  So, he has a stalker.  They’re apparently in Richmond right now, so that’s why there was no synchronous event with him and his house.  We’re spiritually connected.  He can tell when I look at his facebook page.  Maybe I’m haunting them right now.  It was my fault I was too crazy to talk to them when they were trying to talk to me, but I don’t think I deserved revenge for being mentally ill.

If anyone’s reading, have you ever become your stalker’s stalker?  I’m not saying that I wasn’t really insecure and going through a mental illness, I’m not saying that I didn’t want to talk to him.  But I did communicate that I was trying to live and let live.  He was stalking me, but now I’m stalking him.  His stalking drove me so crazy that I became *his* stalker.  But he started it, so it’s a paradox.

I’m going to go lie down now.