#Anyway - I didn't die and that's really all that matters
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Honestly, only @cipherbunz would know who any of these OCs are, but it looked fun to do :P if you wanna know more about them, feel free to ask, i will gladly wordvomit about them <3
tw: torture, physical & emotional ab*se, mental health issues and death.
1. I don't really have one in particular for this one? If I had to choose, it'd probably be Swan. She's a tough lady, but she's just not built for deserts and hot environments.
2. Nobu, the man doesn't really even notice most of them anyway. Could definitely see him with a couple injuries he hasn't even noticed/doesn't think they're that much of an issue. Downsides of a really good pain tolerance, I guess?
3. Maverick. Hands down, that poor bastard's been through so much lol. His fiancée gets killed by his own father, his clan is destroyed, he gets dragged into TWO wars, experimented on, and then isolates himself because he's afraid of entering cities for reasons he can't even remember. Oh, and Death won't let him die bc Fate told them to for the plot and didn't elaborate on why so he's stuck surviving all of it.
4. Onyx, by his own adopted brother at that. Arcus didn't really take Onyx's (percieved) abandonment of him very well. Both of them need therapy, yeesh...
5. Leo and his crew. They're my world-hopping pirates, and definitely not of their own choice. Leo has sworn to kill whatever fate or god has damned them to getting yoinked into different dimensions, so I should probably watch my back lol
6. Alexei. Man has a while doomed yaoi thing going on with his ex/bestie for the past millennia or so. I guess both being vampires from Shakespearean times in a cyberpunk future equals some kind of trauma bonding? They don't even realize they're still flirting, it's painful to watch, really.
7. Onyx, he's one of my oldest ocs and i love putting my lil guy in Situations.
8. Leo and his crew again, for obvious reasons
9. Aster, by a young water spirit. She healed him, and he helped care for her in return. She then taught him alchemy, something her species knows instinctively via generational memories. He's now one of the best alchemists in the region.
10. Onyx and Maverick. Both killed by family and revived for different reasons. Maverick was bc of the plot, while Onyx was revived bc his s/o made a deal with Death for him. Maverick is in denial about his immortality, while Onyx is completely unaware that he actually died.
11. Winter/Winniel. Poor guy's scared of being even slightly out of line due to the tyrant king of his homeland. And as the royal alchemist, he's pretty close to the king. The king has convinced him so much of his weakness that he doesn't dare consider rebellion, convinced that he stands no chance even though physically he could definitely take him in a fight.
12. Kipp has compartmentalized his trauma and stress from his work, putting on a cheery and almost innocent persona to put his loved ones (and himself) at ease. At this point, he's not really sure which "him" is the real him anymore.
13. Acheron, constantly. It's technically magic tears that leak out no matter what he tries, and occasionally they form into little blob crows. They are his babies and he loves them dearly.
14. I'll pick Juno for this one. He's stuck in a control spell by an evil sorceress, and she usually gets him to kill people she wants to get rid of, or sometimes even people he comes across. He hates the lack of choice, so often he makes the choice to attack them on his own. Not healthy at all, and he'd rather not, but it's the only way he knows to exert control over his life.
15. Usually "comfort after a nightmare" scenarios are my favorite. Once they're calm(er), it's usually a pretty sweet moment. Easily turns to fluff afterwards.
Torturing your ocs ask game :)
(Delightful, I know. But we all do it sometimes)
1. Which of your ocs do you most often imagine sick? In what ways?
2. Which of them do you most imagine injured in other ways?
3. Who do you put through the most emotional turmoil?
4. Which oc has been tortured? Through what means?
5. Which of them has the worst luck?
6. Who goes through the most relationship conflicts? (applies to any relationships)
7. Who do you put most into stressful situations or other drama?
8. Who ends up in survival situations the most? How do they fair in them?
9. Has any of them had to be saved from the brink of death? Were there any consequences after?
10. Has any of them had to be revived / brought back to life? How did this affect them?
11. Who is afraid the most? How does this effect them?
12. What kind of health repercussions has your oc experienced through intense stress? How do they manage them?
13. Who cries the most often? What are the usual causes?
14. How does your oc cope?
15. To cap off what kind of hurt/comfort scenarios do you put your oc in?
This can be about canon story events or simply rotating scenarios for fun!
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Thank you for posting all your takes on Arcane season 2, reading them has been helping me process what a disappointing shitshow it was and not feel so alone lol. I'm popping in to your asks to vent a bit about how messed up Jinx's ending was. They really led us on all season with themes of redemption and forgiveness and healing from trauma, showing us Vi finally accepting her for who she was, and Ekko showing up for her and saving her because she's worth that. They gave her Isha to love her unconditionally (and then took her away for shock value and tragedy porn), and demonstrated that Jinx's death wish should be something the people around her fight against and work on proving to her that she actually does deserve to live and heal and be loved ......... only to end on her killing herself anyway. She makes one big grand gesture by showing up for the final fight, and then sacrifices herself for Vi. As if in the end, she did deserve to die. As if that's the only way to redeem herself. As if that's a better ending than her processing her trauma and healing, and finally allowing herself to be loved. And we were robbed of Vi and Jinx healing their relationship and finally being in each others' lives. For what, exactly??? A death scene that wasn't even sad because it was just so ridiculous and out of place? That didn't fit the narrative themes AT ALL?
I'm just heartbroken that they did our girl SO dirty. It's unforgiveable. It doesn't even matter to me whether the fan theory that she survived is true or not, because even if she's somehow alive and will show up in a future show, the writers still chose to end this show with the message that the traumatized suicidal girl who never felt like she was worth anything and made violent choices because of the system she was born into actually did deserve to kill herself at the end!!!! And that it was the right choice and led to redemption for her!!!!! Gah!!!!! (sorry for basically yelling, I'm just so sad)
Awh, I'm glad you enjoy reading them, and feel free to express your sadness~ Jinx is definitely alive, it is spelled out by the show, but you are right, it doesn't change the fact that the framing device used in the scene was saying "Vi should just let Jinx kill herself already, we have been heading this way for quite some time and she should just let it happen after all this time". But that was only there for the emotional extortion!!!! And the fact that Jinx chooses to survive and start a new life proves it. Today I was listening to the soundtrack and found out that the song that plays as Jinx' suicide montages roll actually has a final verse and chorus where the singer decides she actually wants to keep living because she is no longer alone, and asks "don't let me go". And this makes sense to me!!! I assume they wanted Jinx to be heroic and remove herself from Vi's life so Vi can live happily and she knew the only way to force her to do it is to fake her own death.. but why??? They are fine now, they are a team and she has other people who care about her as well??? What did Vi, or the others, gain from not having Jinx in their life anymore????? Idk man it is so weird
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Made an updated ref sheet for Aster since I hated her old one and her lore's changed a lot since then.
Some notes on her under the cut
Her eyes would've stayed a dark brown until she was 20 if she hadn't experienced her first "death" at 19.
The lore about her parents hasn't changed, they still suck and treated her horribly and were in on Urbanshade's plans for her.
The community she grew up in only treated her well when they wanted her blood, but their abuse and ostracizing led to her ability kicking and and causing people to die. She stopped giving blood altogether after a very traumatic experience.
Aster was one of the nine casualties that Sebastian was blamed for, and she was also the one who turned in the evidence proving his innocence.
SebAster college romance still canon babeyyyy. He vaguely knew she was not entirely human but both didn't care and didn't think about it too much since Aster's just weird anyway lol.
Had anomalous traits long before Urbanshade, they became more prominent once she turned 20. Her tail came in during her time in the Blacksite.
Aster's anomaly was initially intended to be solely passive and for healing (none of the previous Z-777 instances were fighters aside from Z-777-1), but Aster was given a natural ability to fight. She came out of the womb knowing how to kill, but her kind natures combats that... sort of.
Her organs and blood do still kill people if taken from her through force or violence.
Every time she dies, a crystal comes out of her body, usually her stomach or chest. Its properties are unknown, although Mr. Shade claims the crystals can be used to bring back the dead if Aster becomes powerful enough, hence why the experiments are so brutal. Every death makes her stronger, after all.
Basically if V1 was a woman and a human and could heal with her blood as well.
She can still kill people if they took her biomass through force or cruelty. The effects vary but are always lethal. Woe, instant appendicitis be upon ye.
She gives off warmth and comfort when she touches people she trusts thanks to the nature of her anomaly. Best way to describe it is like comforting nostalgia for something in your past that made you feel safe.
Not much of a brawler, but she is very fast and agile and her kicks and bite pack a punch. Quiet a few employees are missing fingers or even whole hands because of her.
The tentacles on her back basically function like the Tokyo Ghoul kagunes and retract into her back when not in use. The thickness and length depend on what she's using them for and are very flexible and strong.
Absolutely shines with firearms due to her own upbringing. She can use the ferryman tokens to ricochet bullets off them since she doesn't really need them to come back from the dead.
Aster can't give people immortality no matter how powerful her anomalous properties get. She could bring someone back from the razor's edge of death, but once someone is dead, it's beyond her power to save them.
"The Huntress" is her true title, "The Cure" would've been her official title if she wasn't a weapon of the divine.
"Laika" is basically a deadname, don't call her that.
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i think it's actually very brave to fight for yourself when no one else will, to insist upon your own self worth, if only in your own actions and self-preservation, when everyone around considers you worthless or unworthy.
If no one else cares about you, you will care, if no one else loves you, you will try to show yourself love to the best of your ability, even if you don't know it, if no one else will protect you then you will fight for yourself. Keep yourself alive. No one else will and it's you're no less worthy than who you're being told to put yourself to the side for, to die for, to admit you are nothing for.
It's trauma, it's resilience, it's survival, it's fight, it's advocacy, it's perseverance, it's natural, it's difficult, and it's brave.
#i'm not tagging the villain trio individually but...#consider mxy was the only one of that “squad” to sacrifice himself for someone considered more worthy and he's not anymore respected#or considered for it. Nobody thinks of him at all.#If anything NHS gets the credit for his death for baiting him into suicide and that's... Anyway#If SMS died to the Wen - either in CR or in the Cave of Slaughter depending on the version of canon - nobody would even think his name agai#If JGY had “sacrificed himself” things would probably be a lot worse but no one would give him any consideration other than maybe#to deride him for fucking up by sacrificing himself lmao#It's always seen as brave and good to help other people but cowardly and selfish to help yourself but like...#if no one cares to help you and never would then that's just saying other people are more important than you. You don't matter.#and it's actually very good and brave to stand against that I think. You should help yourself esp. if you are the only one who ever will#XY is the clearest example of this tbh. If he didn't fight for himself he'd have been dead a long time ago#as an unloved little 7ish year old child#the same society that condemned him to die on the streets as a child because they simply did not care#now condemn him for not understanding the love that was never shared with him. for surviving when they'd rather he died#because these “bad aspects” of these characters aren't despite surviving tragic pasts and difficult circumstance#and they aren't really because of them either#the “bad aspects” ARE survival
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i'm rereading the garden scene and i'd completely forgotten about this moment of gawyn just totally losing his marbles over rand i'm HOWLING the case for (onesided & unknown-to-rand) randwyn gets stronger every day
#gawyn 🤝 dain: having obsessive knowledge of two rivers exports for homoerotic reasons#'elayne should have a two rivers husband' sweetheart i think YOU want a two rivers husband#i'm citing this 'elayne should marry someone from the two rivers' bit as evidence to claim He Would Not Fucking Say That damages#against sanderson's whole TOM spiel about how gawyn is jealous that a Lowly Peasant is ruling the world in his stead#anyway gawyn is such a sweetheart in this whole scene i'm in physical pain!!!! i'd forgotten all about it!!!#he's so gentle with rand and teasing with elayne and is also ride-or-die for both of them#he joins elayne in throwing himself between rand and the armed guards!#and he's like 'galad's a good person but goddamn is he annoying' right along with elayne djfkgjh#and now i extra resent AMOL randomly deciding to prioritize the gawyn-galad relationship when it was always gawyn-elayne that mattered most#anyway i'm dying. i didn't really start paying attention to gawyn until LOC so there are some hidden gems in the early books!#gawyn trakand#gawynposting#rand al'thor#randwyn#wot#wot book spoilers
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#tw vent i guess??#came here just to post smth that i'm most probably gonna delete later then leave#but aughhhh last week has been SO bad i really really needed to get it off my chest#had the final boss of a sick victorian child episode for like two weeks AND tons of college stuff to do-#-AND a test on a subject that i'm horrible at (and that i'm gonna fail fs)#AND i was supposed to get a septum which is something that i'd been looking forward to for literal YEARS#but upon telling my parents about it (cause they're kinda strict and ig they would like to know) i changed my mind#cause my mom took it SO personally.... like it was HER face not mine?🤨 but hey!#and although i had the decency to at the very least let her know that i was getting a piercing (which wasn't necessary for me to do but-#-i did it anyway out of consideration for her)#she has the fucking SPINE to tell me how i could do whatever the fuck i wanted if i cared more about getting it than about her opinion-#-but she would always think it was disgusting and that i had no right to get angry at her if she didn't look me in the face or#wanted to walk or be with me cause it'd make her embarrassed to be with me in public if i had that shit on my face.#and it hurts a lot not just bc of the fuckass piercing. but bc my parents (esp my mom) always react like this whenever i make a little-#-change on my appearanceor cut my hair or buy oversized clothes or whateverand like#if she's gonna be soooo hurt when i get a tiny piece of metal on my face. how is she gonna react when i tell her i want to get tattoos.#start taking hormones. change my name. get top and bottom surgery. be completely changed physically.#is she gonna die is the world gonna end. is she just going to stop talking to me forever.#because a piercing is not just a decoration. to me right now it's an extension of the changes i want to undergo on my body.#it's a step forward to looking the way i want too look#so a rejection to any change i do on my body feels like an indirect rejection to be being trans. and the fact that they're unaware of#just how deep their rejection cuts (bc i'm not out) makes me even angrier at them.#and upon the realization that if i ever came out to my mom (and the rest of my family too tbh) she would react *exactly* like this.#well. i did not take that very well.#wasn't very demure of her to say all that. not very mindful not very cutesy :/#also been sh-ing more bc if this and ughhh what a shit week. hope this one's better#also. i decided i'm still gonna get a septum this year. don't know when but fuck all that. it's gonna bother them all the same#no matter what time of the year i get it done. or if i do it in a year or two or five. so who gives a shit.#anyway. gonna delete later probably#📎
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The thing about Ace/Sabo is that the ship is less about them being brothers but more like them sharing a childhood friendship? That had the potential of becoming something more in the future. Except it didn’t, for obvious reasons. And yeah not everyone’s a fan of that, but people also like the raised by wolves/son of a noble dynamic they had as children. While I agree Sabo does kind of feel like he was stuck to Ace&Luffy as an afterthought, with a piece of chewed-out gum — his existence doesn’t… I don’t know, feel out of place? I also enjoy how kinda tragic his character is, and how he carries that tragedy with him? In the form of Ace’s devil fruit (Sabo also canonically hallucinates and there was an instance where he admitted to hearing Ace’s voice, during his fight with Burgess? so yeah, not everyone’s cup of tea again but I’m a huge fan of hurt/comfort so having a character go through a psychotic depressive episode because of the insane guilt he feels? Just, yeah. Plus there’s something really poetic about him literally eating Ace’s DF and still considering it „Ace’s powers” etc) and the way I see Sabo/Lu is through Ace/Lu (and partially Ace/Sabo) anyway. Because Sabo is trying to fill out the role of an older brother/friend for Luffy that he’s well aware is impossible to fill — because nothing ever will be the same for Luffy. Nothing or no one could even come close to making it up for Ace’s loss to Luffy, and Sabo knows he’s kind of a cheap copy of that (figuratively and literally lmfao, as I know people have been calling him low-budget Ace), but still he tries to? And the fact that Luffy is technically his only remaining family (or at least someone he willingly considers family). And I kind of see it as a parallel to how Ace’s approach to Luffy changed after Sabo’s „death”? Because Sabo was the „kinder” brother, the nicer one, the smarter one, it was usually him who took Luffy’s side whenever Ace was annoyed with him? And the one who explicitly asked Ace to look after Luffy — which then was one of the direct reasons why Ace changed the way he treated Luffy, forced him to be more patient/learn to love and eventually led to Ace willingly becoming the „older brother” figure for Luffy. I’m in no way trying to convince you to like Sabo, don’t get me wrong!! I’m just trying to show an example how Ace/Sabo isn’t necessarily brotherly either (like, I don’t know, Sabo/Luffy seems to be?). And it’s just that while I’m first and foremost a huge Ace/Lu enjoyer I also think Sabo did have a significant impact on their relationship both before and after Ace’s death.
((!! sorry i took a while to reply! i made that post before work on Friday and then got slammed until just now fdghjgk)
the odd thing is, I mostly agree!! I think I had to vent bc i saw ppl (a few specific sabo fans haha) on twitter acting like luffy would feel nothing toward ace but be obsessed with sabo. and, lol, no. but what YOU said makes total sense. like, yes, Ace + Sabo definitely has a different, more involved feeling to me than Ace & Luffy. I've had some ships in the past that fit the raised by wolves/runaway noble trope... the charm of the noble feeling like "this is the only person I feel like I can really be myself around" and the wild one thinking "i like spending time with this noble—they're tougher/kinder/funnier than i gave them credit for" AND/OR "society has always rejected me, but this 'cultured' person accepting me heals that pain a little bit"—all of those things are really charming.
Maybe if we'd seen more about how ace and sabo became friends, or if there were more emphasis on sabo's acceptance being what helped ace's anger (instead of, just from how i saw things, it being mostly luffy's unconditional warmth toward ace that did it?) then I'd personally be more feral about that dynamic, haha. But it's like you said, I guess it all depends on what we each connect with. I dont find tragedy alone compelling... I'm depressed enough already as it is LMAO!! if I think too hard about how viscerally sad Sabo only remembering Ace after he'd died is, my brain just shuts down. But I've got really good friends who would EAT THAT UP. Like, yeah, it is beautifully poetic... hahaha now i'm laughing thinking about my friends who were really into Hamlet and Romeo & Juliet finding out about Sabo & Ace and being obsessed, ahaha (they're not so into One Piece tho, only jjk... at least, for now!! 😈)
it's hard to put into words, but there's something about Sabo being a revolutionary vs. ace and luffy being pirates, that kind of explains why my brain sees A+L as very very very different than A&S or L&S. But like, that's just my brain and how my heart likes to focus on characters with really codependent relationships/dreams/themes, hahaha...
#also if we're talking tragedy#so many people have said it better than i ever could but#the beauty and drama of marineford#i live in denial and usually like imagining a timeline where ace was severaly wounded but lived through it#but canon#gosh#ace dying in luffy's arms bc luffy was in danger and he had to protect him#and he only had to protect him bc luffy was too weak from fighting his way through hell for ace#the love was there and it mattered and it didn't change anything but it mattered etc etc i'm WAILING#i don't know i'm bad at explaining why one of those tragedies makes my brain feel things and the other one doesn't quite as much#i wish i could express it better!!! sometimes i'm so frustrated with how i feel like i'm not really getting across the point i meant to#ace had been looking for that love his whole life!! he died KNOWING he had it!! (also like i didn't mention whitebeard here but#all that love ace received being the exact reason he had to turn back....)#and luffy!! luffy knowing he mattered to ace so much--ace loved him so much--he would die for him....#and going forward with that rock-solid certainty that he's loved in the new world#i'm going to fight a traffic sign. i'm at a loss.#ANYWAY i don't know if this was interesting or annoying as an answer but....... hopefully it was at least a little fun?#and if we just connect with different things in one piece then--not too surprising#with how big the story is!!!#the beauty of fandom etc etc different perspectives coming together and all that#meta#op#asl
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I find attempted murder plots a lot more fun than actual murder plots unless said murder is the inciting incident for a mystery, honestly. Someone almost getting Murderized and then having to continually evade the person/make sure it doesn’t happen again/generally deal with the consequences of that are always fun
How does one just come back from almost getting murdered by someone who was once your friend? What do you even do at that point when you’re an animatronic who can’t even leave the building?
In the scenario proposed in previous ask, I don’t think Freddy would’ve expected to re-activate, and he’s probably not so dense as to be clueless on Why they tried to kill him.
I can imagine him like giving back the parts and apologizing once everyone’s back to themselves, but he might’ve thought that his friends were permanently Lost by the time he was accepting the parts/put together where the parts were coming from, especially if they’re going so much against their programming to try and hunt down and kill a child.
(Clarity: Not trying to say you’re writing him wrong or anything, just chiming in with how I see him)
(In reference to this ask and since this is might be something you wanna see @jellycreamjammedart)
Doesn't that make it worse? If he thought they were permanently gone, so much so they would try to kill a child, doesn't that make it worse that none of them could kill him? He looked at them and said they're beyond saving, he thought they would kill this kid no matter what in that state, and when given the chance, the shining moment when they could do the things accused of them, they couldn't do it.
The thing is, does he even know they're virus'd? Does he even know they're gonna kill Gregory? I think with some of their actions, it could be guessed they'd probably hurt him but why would he believe they'd kill? Does he trust them so little he'd jump to that conclusion once they start acting weird?
But this assumption that they'd kill Gregory... isn't it worse if he just assumed they're beyond saving? Yet for some reason, they can apparently save Vanessa? For some reason, he's totally fine? For some reason the only solution is to destroy them? Doesn't it make they fact they couldn't do it to him worse because he'd assumed they could? For assuming all of that and not considering they could be saved, surely if he understands his mistake it just makes everything worse?
Because if you think about it, if he was okay with them being destroyed... what makes him better than what he assumed of them? They couldn't kill him, and yet he was fine with the others possibly being killed. He helped them be destroyed, never sought an alternative solution that could have helped them and assumed they were long gone and beyond saving. Yet, even at their lowest points, even after they have more than enough reason and even after they had Freddy's life completely in their hands like he had theirs, they couldn't do it. They backed out. Or someone stopped them.
Isn't that worse? That they made the decisions they needed him to make? Someone stopped them, like he should have stopped Gregory or someone didn't have the heart to let him die, when he had the heart to let them be destroyed. I can't help but feel that's worse.
#pop rox answers#and yeah buddy I know you're not saying I'm writing him wrong or something#this is all purely discussion!#I don't think he deserves to die or that anyone would kill him but a few might come close maybe#you're so right almost being murdered is much more interesting than murdered especially in this context#fun fact! cause they're animatronics they're a lot harder to kill!#so you could deactivate them in your attempted murder sure#but if you don't destroy those chips? if you don't destroy their memory and their self?#what's stopping them from being reactivated again? what's stopping them from being found? what's stopping them from coming back?#with full knowledge of what you tried to do to them?#very hard to get away with the murder of an animatronic! especially if you're an animatronic and don't know where the chips are stored!#or you didn't know your hardwired programming would physically prevent you from finishing them!#and now the only way to keep them deactivated is to hide them without a trace!#but there's ALWAYS a chance they're gonna be found. there's always a chance the dead will start talking.#your programming has the same limits as everyone else. they can go everywhere you can go.#you may never rest easy again knowing it's only a matter of time...#I guess unless you're Roxy with the high security clearance but she couldn't do it anyway#the doggo has seen too much death to ever cause it herself...#intentionally anyway.#might be really fucking tempted though#anyway!!! yeah!!! that's that!!!#fun!!!#murder is such an interesting topic cause how much would it take to push them to do it? how far can they go without backing out?#how does an animatronic commit an impossible murder?#fun stuff!!
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every time i have a pe lesson i lose a tiny bit of my will to live
heads up i kinda started venting in the tags so if you dont want to put up with that just scroll <333
#ev yaps#vent incoming#sorry#none of the school subject slander is true btw other subjects r still very slay!!!#i fucking suck at pe#idk why but i physically cannot be good at sport#the one exeption being figure skating at which i am still kinda shit idk id never be anything close to professional#anyway to my peers its pretty much the only subject that matters#good at science? psycho (like nobody likes science but even so were all supposed to be decent at it)#maths? ok thats like the bare minimum also like nobody cares#english? ok cool#music? unless its singing or a rare-ish instrument nobody will actually give a shit#ok you get the picture#except art ig#but im not the best at it so it doesnt matter#OH NOT TO MENTION THE FUCKING 'IF YOU CANT KICK A BALL YOU'RE FAT' JOKES ISTGGGG EUGHH LIKE STOP THAT AINT COOL#im atheist but like damn god really didn't want me to amount to anything#like no joke i have literally no talent except for yapping#im just the loud kid with the weird sense of humour#that will end up working a shit boring ass job fr the rest of his life#or maybe i'll just work in an h&m until i fucking die#because being a screenwriter/ just working in film production is unrealistic#and i cant really write but its one of my best skills#i dont really know what else i can do with my life#and everyone is probably judging me#everything i say and do.#idk maybe im overthinking all of this and im fine. maybe all my problems and their impacts are being made up by some twisted corner of#my brain for attention#anyway sorry about that#back to our usual program
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Attempted to leave the fandom after being made incredibly uncomfortable about it in late 2023 but also just remembered a specific line from a specific episode and now I'm going feral again
#There really is no escaping the brainrot#Anyways. I genuinely do not want to be in the fandom#I don't want to continue writing and posting and interacting with these people#(fandom in question is mcyt in general. Because some of the CCs also said some stuff on twitter at some point or another and#like not anything so harsh as “everyone in israel should die” but in a “israelis should stop condemning palestinians as a whole”#And I saw that. During the times when we still didn't have anyone back. Like very early into things#And just. Idk the fact that they never said anything about how our lives matter too.#The fact that there's a LOT of antisemitism going in that community. To the point where I left discord servers over feeling unsafe#And they never stop their community from doing and saying that kind of stuff.#But oh they're soo friendly and nice. Except for the fact I don't feel safe in their spaces anymore.#After years I finally felt comfy enough to be with the community and I immediately regretted it#But goddamn because I just remembered that in secret life scar has a line about embracing the chaos#Which just means I really am as good as I think I am. Because I made him a creature of chaos in my au all the way before double life#(technically it was before moon big. Might even be before last life. I also made him blow up the moon. Which is why I remember it being s8)#But goddamn. I don't want to be in that fandom#Logically I know I shouldn't come back to that fandom#But I miss it. I want to finish writing sunbringer. I want to post it all at once and then orphan it so it can't be traced back to me#And I don't think I should#I also can't. Because I'm stuck on a specific chapter POV and I do not know how to write keralis. And I have noone to ask for help#(because again. Where would I ask. I don't feel safe with these people so I can't be on discord servers with them so how do I get past this#Sigh
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love being nd and have the tism wolf Inside me be so drastically uncomfortable with uncertainty that i physically cannot think about school and having to deal w the unknown of that whole situation without losing 5lbs in 2 days
#the club ppl are meeting abt stuff for when school starts and just the reminder of school starting is enough to make me lose all appetite#i had to text a friend and ask him if he could help be there for me when i move in bc of how the situation stresses me out lmao#asked another friend if i can go to their place if i can't take it at the start of the semester#they are so sweet to me 😭😭😭 they haven't moved yet but they told me if they have an extra copy they'll give me their spare keys#but i genuinely go blank in the mind and go catatonic when i think abt. living situations next year bc i gen don't know what the vibe is#it's like probably not gonna be so bad and ik i have the capability to deal w all the scenarios but not knowing what to expect. kills me.#I'd genuinely be okay if i have to pretend i don't live there and i don't exist and get ignored!! i just need to know that now Thanks!!!#but tryin my best to not be reminded i have to deal w this in 2 months but my supervisor mentioned the campus today and now i can't eat lma#he was like u don't even need to go back to campus and im holding everything back to not be like. just take me as a full time worker.#i love school actually. i love learning. i just. thinking abt my living situation and not knowing what to expect when i have to inevitably#. face. my ex. makes me want to shrivel up and die. like icb i have to do this. like really my ex is the most harmless person ever but stil#how do you ever really. look your ex in the eyes ever again anyway. no matter the circumstances of it ending like it's gonna be so awkward?#and it's the avoidant in me and the avoidants I've dated but. I've never had a normal relationship w/ an ex afterwards lmao#but Each time I've ended things they ended at a spot where i didn't have to ever run into them ever again. so. i am not equipped for this.#And I Missed The Room Swap Date and The Regret is Eating me Up like i ugh i can't do this i don't i don't#It might be pessimistic of me but i don't think whatever will ever be resolved i don't think she'll ever want to talk abt it#and if Those are the starting conditions god forgive me if all i want is to get out of here like#if we're never gonna address or resolve anything then at least just let me have it out of sight out of mind#and I'll pretend it'llnevercome up ever again!! I'll rewrite my memories and just run the fuck away!!#my friend is going thru a more severe case of anger n self blame n how could i let them do this to me and im glad i don't feel it that bad#all i have is debilitating fear lmao so I'm just! trying not to think about anything!! i have so much fun and I'm so busy so why do i still#ugh anyway i hate nightmares and autism i really dgi i can deal with any situation so why do i still dread#delete later
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YouTube yesterday: Hey btw The Longest Johns just released a song about Horatio Nelson's death.
Me: Cool, excuse me as I stare off into space and think about L'Manburgian soldiers' reaction to hearing about Kiril's dying to withering whenever I play the song.
#regicide au#like yes I know realistically Kiril would be a bit of a controversial figure in L'Manburg#his father (and ancestry in general tbh) represents centuries of colonialism and oppression#like ffs you can't just walk into a place like Pogtopia going 'hi I promise I'm a good Krafta'#when you've had to spend the past few years drastically unlearning all the colonialist propaganda you were fed as a child#anyway Artur is representative of continuing the oppression of an entire people no matter how hard you have to grind your boot on them#while Kiril represents the effort to at least make a start on fixing the mistakes of the past#with liberation in the hopes that will open the door for reparations etc#not that he ever expects to see that because he'll be dead from fratricide#(not to mention shit like that will take generations for the wounds to begin healing so no veteran of this war will live to see it either)#he still wants to do *something* as a way to work towards that better future though#a war of independence sure as fuck wasn't what he imagined but 'the universal language is violence' yada yada#it certainly seems to be Artur's universal language#and Kiril gains an even better image of himself as a general who is willing to fight and potentially die with his soldiers#those under his command absolutely have deep respect for him thanks to how he conducts himself#...and then the withered arrows start flying#people are going to end up talking about how he never let on he was hit himself#he simply visited the affected soldiers in the infirmary some of whom were doomed to die in one of the worst ways possible#then he was gone. just grabbed by his brother so he could be killed in Rayusel (or away from the public eye in general)#rumours are going to fly about all sorts of things pertaining to Kiril's final hours but one thing is for sure#there is going to be grief amongst the soldiers who loved him#'let him die in peace' ...yeah they really are going to hope that somehow he didn't suffer as much as a typical withering victim#god I am just shaking this song vigourously by its shoulders I swear
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Applying lots of body lotion to the area also helps slide tiny embedded fibers out and helps keep them from re-embedding before your next shower.
We need to stop engineering blatantly stupid materials
#Being reminded of this one job I was on where we opened up portions of the ceiling to install some things#As expected - there was Forbidden Cottoncandy#I was in goggles and mask and long sleeves and gloves#Person who hired me to do this install was not in any of those things#I said something about needing to see the ceiling truss a bit better#So this person just....shoves their bare fucking arm into the Forbidden Cottoncandy and starts tearing chunks of it out with their hands#While standing directly under it and looking up into it#I stood there mouth agape (behind my mask and not near the fallout)#It was a total bluescreen moment for my brain - I couldn't say STOP or NO DON'T DO THAT#I can clearly recall watching bits of pink fluff and threads gently wend their way through the air to alight on this person's face#Anyway - I didn't die and that's really all that matters
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Before my beloved and I moved in together they were living with roommates in a place that didn't have a bathtub. Now, a reasonable person might conclude from this that baths would be out of the equation in a home with only one standing shower and no tub.
But these people weren't quitters. Naturopathic doctors and acupuncturists they were dedicated to treating their bodies well and one of the ways they liked to do that was hydrotherapy. Most people are familiar with this through things like polar bear plunges. You sit in a hot tub then jump in freezing water.
It's supposedly good for you and they were way into it. But again, no tub. They'd do hydro showers but it just wasn't the same. These people were not quitters, though. (One of them is the boob soap person, so it really isn't a surprise that she goes hard on everything). So they got what looked like two big metal old timey tubs but which were actually animal food troughs and set them up in the garage. They set up a water heater and god knows how they emptied the tub after, I think there was hoses involved? A pump maybe? I honestly can't remember. Anyway! Voila, hydrotherapy on demand.
I was not aware of this. So when I came over after a long day and my beloved said we should take a bath I was extremely puzzled. I only knew about the one shower. They showed me the garage tubs. I did want a bath and I wasn't really sure about the setup, but honestly I'll try anything once if only for the story, so I agreed.
Fun fact about me though. I haaaate being cold. I've been 0% body fat most of my life with skin barely keeping my bones enclosed. I'm always cold. My favorite activity at the time was sitting directly in front of space heaters. My shower temperatures turn me lobster red and make my beloved cringe. Willingly dunking myself into cold water is the antipathy of my entire deal.
On the night in question I happily submerged into the warm tank, pleasantly surprised by the big silly improvised tub. Which again was meant for livestock. My knees bumped companionably against my beloved as we soaked in the hot water. After a while they rose to go into the cold water. "You don't have to," they told me.
But I was haunted. I wouldn't be doing hydro if I just stayed in the warm tub. Maybe hydro was amazing. It has all these health benefits. I desperately didn't want to but I stood up with them. We were having this nice intimate evening in the garage, just us, I felt safe. I was gonna do it.
They stepped easily into the cold tub, dunking matter of factly into the frigid water. I went to step. I did. I really really tried. My foot went in and I started shrieking, my progress arrested by the total state of shock I entered when my warm toasty foot hit that smug arctic water tension. My beloved started laughing as my pitch ascended the deeper my foot went into the cold water.
I started loudly narrating my discomfort as my foot touched the bottom and I willed my other foot up to join it. "THIS IS VERY COLD," I yelled, "IT'S SO COLD I THINK I MIGHT DIE HOW ARE YOU JUST CASUALLY SITTING IN THIS FREEZING COLD WATER?! I'M DYING- I THINK I'M DYING! I'M DYING BUT WE'RE HERE, TOGETHER! I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THESE EVEN THOUGH IT'S SO COLD ALL MY MOLECULES HAVE COMPRESSED INTO A SOLID STATE!"
I ended up with both feet planted in the cold tub, water up to my shins, bellowing and panting while my beloved laughed so hard they couldn't breathe. I hunkered over the cold water, squatting like a frozen gargoyle.
My beloved was trying to psyche me up while I willed my body to obey me. In a sudden jerky drop like a puppet whose strings have been cut I plummeted my body into the cold and let out a shriek that I’m sure could have shattered glass and then leapt up out of the water at a speed relative to a rocket achieving space flight. I didn’t like it.
When we got back inside my beloved's roommates were collapsed on the ground with tears in the their eyes from how hard they'd been laughing. They and probably every neighbor down the block had heard my pterodactyl screeching and narration because the garage was not remotely soundproof.
#ramblies#ffs foibles#funny#story#writing#my beloved#fun fact I'm the same way on roller coasters#I just scream a terrified narration and my beloved thinks its the funnies thing
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I reread the IA's contemporaneous post justifying their "National Emergency Library", and one of the things that struck me is just how selfish it was.
(It was also full of falsehoods, ranging from exaggeration to outright lies, but that's another matter.)
While 2020 feels like it was several decades in the past, it was actually only a few years ago. And I remember March of 2020! I was there! And oh my god, is this post right in line with every other selfish, demanding asshole determined to make a global pandemic all about themselves!
First of all, there is the language of the post - it is a "tremendous and historic outage" that books are unavailable to patrons because libraries are closed for the pandemic. "Right now, today, there are 650 million books that tax-paying citizens have paid to access that are sitting on shelves in closed libraries, inaccessible to them."
Missing from this outrage is a recognition that, like. Librarians are people. They get sick, and die.
They did get sick, and died.
Libraries were closed not only to protect patrons and the public, but librarians too. Libraries were closed to protect people, human beings. Because generally speaking, even the most enthusiastic supporters of access to books and knowledge, prioritize lives over books.
The AI's post, however, reeks of an entitlement to things that *my* tax dollars paid for. Libraries and library collections aren't a public good. They're something *I* should be able to access anytime I want, damn the context or the consequences.
(Was it also a historic outrage when I had to wait several months to check out Nona the Ninth, because so many other people were checking it out?)
Second, as I said, I remember early 2020. And in spring and summer of 2020, there was more free content on the internet than before or since. So many people and so many institutions were bending over backwards to provide people with books and tv shows and music and podcasts and virtual tours and collections and just about anything that someone could figure out how to digitize. So many people were giving away books for free, or writing/recording new content to give away for free. I can't even remember how many times I heard or read someone telling their readers or listeners just to pay what they could, if they could. So many people and institutions were giving away so much, do so much, to provide access to knowledge and books and entertainment and information.
And in that moment, the IA decided to steal from people. When so many people, so many authors, were acting so selflessly, they decided that it wasn't good enough. And instead of giving away themselves, they decided to steal from authors and pat themselves on the back for "meet[ing] this unprecedented need," when they didn't even actually do anything themselves. Or maybe more accurately, the only thing they did was something irrelevant to the actual needs of the community, something they wanted to do anyway, something to try to use a pandemic as an excuse to advance their agenda.
Because third, there is zero concern for the population of patrons actually most impacted by the closure. The IA cares, to a fault, only about information being digitized.* But many people who use physical libraries, many of the people most impacted by their closure, are people who do not have access to the AI's so-called "open library." And people who could access digital books generally continued to have access to their library's e-book services, and to tons of other free content. The patrons who were actually in the most need are ignored as irrelevant.
*And I want to be clear - they care that information is digitized, not about digital access. "Access" means more than information being digitized and theoretically being able to be read.
It's so clear that IA didn't really care about the patrons of physical libraries. Instead, they saw a real problem, and instead of working toward any solutions, decided to use it as a prop to push their own agenda. (Again, while people were dying.)
It's just all so deeply selfish.
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