#And we only hear about the fucked up stuff from non-western cultures

[elijasz]

I've been reading a lot of literature written by people who have been displaced and most recently I've read parts of "The Ungrateful Refugee" by Dina Nayeri, which I can only recommend.

After reading the excerpts, the story has sparked an internal monologue within me. Between the white german perspective I grew up with and was raised on, and the one that started growing when I sat down with my grandma years ago and listened to her story of being displaced.

That side of me that has to carry my grandparents immigration papers and marriage certificate to every visit at governmental bureaus, as proof that they changed their name to fit in. Where they ask me why my birth name is different from the one I carry now even though I have never been married. (And I want to say "because this country deemed their names unacceptable and wanted proof that they were there to stay and wouldn't be easily able to return" every time, but haven't done so yet.)

I grew up unaware of the violence my grandparents and parents had experienced at the hands of the government or their fellow citizens. I didn't experience any. This is important to say. I am white. I only ever had this citizenship and I only ever learned German in my childhood. I am the product of integration so perfect that I didn't even know about the displacement my family went through. But their story isn't the same as that of other people who had to move away from their homes, because my grandparents moved within Europe and looked almost exactly like the people of the country they moved to.

Nowadays they are seen as European and German. They speak German, my grandma lost her accent, though her grammar is still a bit "strange", as her own daughter puts it. I love her strange little sentences and it makes me sad that her own daughter mocks her for it. But I never thought of that linguistic quirk as a marker for cultural identity. I thought of it as my grandma's identity, unrelated to the language she spoke in the past.

It makes me angry that her own daughter now complains that people who flee to this country, "our country" as she likes to call it, as if she wasn't bullied and beaten for her name and behaviour as a child, should try to fit in and be grateful. Learn the language, customs, unspoken rules, so they can become invisible. Abandon their past because it must have all been horrible. Any reminder of their past is a thorn in the eye of the observer. Identity a sharp stone that cuts the soles of feet which walk over them.

I cried after reading the few pages of the book, because I don't relate to my grandparents culture much anymore. I know the smells, the food, the traditions. But they aren't too different from the ones of the country I've lived in all my life. They're from another white european culture and thus more accepted. And still my grandma chose to hide them and my mother chose to abadon them almost completely, only displaying them in the safety of our home and only ever as a memory of the past. They aren't part of my present reality. They are something only presented on holidays and rarely performed unless we visit the rest of the family.

I don't feel like it is my right to reclaim this culture. It feels like I will never belong in this culture because I didn't go through the same hardship as those who openly lived it. I look the same as all the other white people around me. Light hair, light skin, light eyes. I speak the same language and eat similar food. I am "one of them" and I have never had the burden of being seen as different because my grandparents, at least the one who survived, was too afraid to teach her children about their identity. And those children assimilated and integrated themselves and lost their past to the place that said it would help them and then ripped their names from them, their titles, their achievements, their language and culture. And then told them to be grateful. And they are. Oh so grateful. So grateful that every time I criticise this shithole of a place, they say "Be quiet. At least it isn't this other place that we have learned is bad and dirty and barbaric. Be grateful you're born here!" And for so many years I was greatful. But I'm done being grateful for erasure. Grateful for the knife that flayed my ancestors identity, cutting off the unloved pieces. I have no wounds. My mother hides hers under bandages so thick and old she isn't even aware they exist anymore. Or maybe she's in denial. But my tongue itches whenever I hear others speak my ancestors language and my heart grows when I hear their songs.

I would learn their language. But I already learned enough European languages. Sure, I can speak them outside of Europe. They are useful there. But for what reason? I don't want to be the one pushing the knife through others skin, even if just by accident.

So now I'm learning Arabic, as here it is a language many speak in secret because its unacceptable to the white people. I'm cooking Iranian food and Polish food and Sudanese food and yes also German food and I don't care if sometimes someone complains it smells weird when I open my lunch at work. So does theirs, but I'm not complaining. I'm happy they enjoy their lunch. If it tastes good and if the smell makes the heart of a single person grow and their song grow louder and prouder then it was worth the work put in. I have endured a lot, but I am still whole and I am privileged enough to wield a knife myself. I intend to use it defensively, though I know I cannot avoid accidentally cutting others.

I'm a teacher and I want to allow my students to feel understood and represented and not like they have to shave off parts of their identity to be good and acceptable and successful. I don't want them to think they have to endure the knife and the pain to be acceptable.

Cultural Superiority is bullshit. We, as europeans, didn't respect other cultures in the past and we don't do it today. We carry knives everywhere we go to cut off what we don't like and then act surprised when others come wearing armor. You don't need to make yourself fit in to deserve respect. You deserve respect because you exist. You don't have to thank the people who cut pieces from you. You don't have to wield a knife to flay yourself either. And you sure as hell don't have to be grateful for being tolerated.

You are deserving of your identity.

[olderthannetfic]

Speaking of fetishization and all that jazz, recently the term fujoshi came up in real life for me and a friend asked me what it meant. For transparency I’m only 25, didn’t really fall into fandom until covid. Essentially I said it was a japanese term sometimes used in fandom so it depends who you ask. It could be 

Rotten women: this is the most technical translation and I’m pretty sure the actual word is a pun about rotten eggs or something. It means rotten as in spoiled, as in “spoiled for marriage” 

A derogatory term for women who are ruined for marriage because they like gay porn 

Women who likes gays porn 

Women who like BL/boy love. The male equivalent is fudanshi. BL is gay mlm romance genre for manga. GL is for girl love, but I think GL is less popular of a genre/not really a thing. I’m pretty sure the porn equivalent is yaoi for gay porn and yuri for lesbian porn(still talking about manga/anime) but I could be wrong. BL and yaoi might mean the same thing I’m not sure. The important part here is fujoshi is for women who like BL and fudanshi is for men who like BL. This is the most correct term unless someone is trying to use it as an insult. I’m pretty sure this is what comes up when you google it. 

Straight women who fetishizes gay men

Transphobic term for a trans man that actually just a “straight women who fetishes gay men” 

(me still talking to my friend) 

Now if you’re wondering why all this exists we need to go back to the early 2000s and I’m pretty sure 4chan. If I’m right, fujoshi already meant rotten women and was used to describe a woman who was ruined for marriage, but around this time it started being used specifically against women for liking gay porn/ BL manga. An intersection of misogyny and homophobia where women aren’t just ruined by jacking off, but even more ruined if they jack off to gay porn. Oh no the horror! How will women ever marry straight men if she masturbated to gay men? She is now ruined for straight men. I find this whole thing absurd, but honestly I forget that people “aren’t supposed to even masturbate” before marriage. Got to keep yourself completely pure I guess. Like I understand the concept of not having sex before marriage(even if I really don’t agree) because I grew up hearing that but the idea that you shouldn’t even masturbate or you’ll be ruined is so stupid to me it makes my brain short circuit. And of course it's misogynistic as all hell. At this time it's a Japanese term used in Japan against Japanese women and it's later reclaimed by Japanese women. Reclaimed as in “wait you guys can have porn and be horny but we can’t!? Well fuck you then I am rotten woman and you can go fuck yourself” At least thats what I think they mean when they say its a “reclaimed word” All I know is that its a misogynist term used against japanese women then reclaimed by said women. This is when “it just means women who like BL definition starts” 

Short time later it slowly but surely gets used in western fandom by people(mostly women) who ship mlm and by women who like BL and in the latter case it literally means that. This is when “it means a woman who fetishes gay men '' crops up Now I wasn't around at this time and there's a lot of mud throwing and shit when people talk about early tumblr and shipping culture. From what I can tell lots of time it was just used as an insult against people who shipped gay stuff, but there were women who would act gross towards gay men. My opinion is that is kinda like lesbian porn. I don’t give shit if someone like lesbian porn. I give a shit if someone is gross to me personally, like a guy wanting to watch me giss my friend, but its non of my business what kinda porn someone likes. What a weird thing to give a fuck about. And shipping isn’t even always porn! Lots of times its just porn, but lots of times its just about the most interesting relationship on screen which normally isn’t the romantic one. I have a whole theory that the most popular ships being between friendships not romantic leads is because romantic story lines aren’t great. Take zuko and katara vs aang and katara. Zuko and katara have a whole arc where they learn to trust each other and we see their relationship grow and change, but with aang and katara we mostly only watch them crushing on each other which is just not as interesting. 

I said more about how the term gets pretty transphobic and how fetishization is a good criticism lots of times but i’m pretty sure I’m out of words lol 

--

腐女子 is a pun on 婦女子. They're both 'fujoshi'. The 'fu' character means 'rotten' or 'fermented' as in tofu: 豆腐.

English-speaking antis are just morons about language along with everything else and completely misrepresent this word.

Yeah, it was 2chan crying that girls liked something other than them and then women being like "Joke's on you: I'm proud of that".

(In general, insecure douchebags dislike their partners masturbating because they foolishly assume that if a partner has zero experience, they won't be measuring the douchebag against anything. In reality, you can tell if sex was bad without anything to compare it to.)

BL is a genre term for m/m stuff aimed at an assumed female audience. It tends towards romances, but that's not the definition AFAIK. I imagine that women who like gei komi probably also call themselves fujoshi, but the point of the 'fudanshi' term is to denote men who like the "for girls" stuff, not just gei komi.

Is GL used much? I usually see queer women using 'yuri' to talk about f/f manga.

You can drop that "porn equivalent" nonsense though. Aside from some English-language fanfic, there has not been a consistent terminology for softcore vs. hardcore. Both 'BL' and 'yuri' can cover the full spectrum of content.

[hussyknee]

do u really not see the difference btwn writing fanfic on the internet and buying a game whose storyline is actively being written by white supremacists and having the money go directly into the pocket of the most vocal & influential terf in the UK? that's not even touching all of the other racist and offensive bs in her series inc her antisemitism, appropriating first nations cultures, her asian racism, etc? i guess thats why you dont have 'antisemitics dni' on your blog

First, let me be clear – I do not give one single shit about Harry Potter. They are the best memories of my extremely shitty adolescence, I still read fanfic from time to time, but other than that, if I never hear the word "Harry Potter" again it will be too soon. I care about the fact that you clowns are

encouraging bullies and endangering mentally ill marginalized fans

leeching the air from leftist and queer discourse

fuelling a Western culture war that distracts from combating systemic transphobia

making suffering Black and brown communities, who mostly see white and Western trans people, think that trans people don't have any real problems beyond video games

Now, on to your ask:

I said never said not buying the game was the same as writing fanfic on the internet. I said that the furor over buying the game is leading to everyone who had anything to do with Harry Potter, including just writing fanfic, being bullied. I've had to unfollow so many people for reblogging posts attacking people for being in the *fandom*.

Asking people to refrain from doing something to prove that they care, especially demanding that they don't, has never in the history of activism worked. Black people have been speaking out against copaganda shows forever and STILL get harrassed. Indigenous people have been asking people to boycott Avatar and gotten nothing. Some people comply, but more do the thing simply out of contrarianism, and the entire issue becomes a culture war divided along political affiliation. People on the right go out of their way to do the thing, the people on the center and center-left won't really care, and people who identify as leftist divorce themselves even more from the rest of the left as being no better than the right, which eventually devastating results when it comes to actual elections and agitating for political change.

What works a lot better is harm reduction. Pirating is harm reduction, asking the HP fandom to offset JKR's fuckery by making their own merch, promoting indie games and donating to trans healthcare funds is harm reduction. People won't stand for being policed, but they like giving and also not paying for stuff with a clear conscience. You would have raised so much fucking money and promoted so many different things in all this time you've spent giving the game negative engagement clicks and keeping it trending on social media so long after its release.

You keep insisting that people shouldn't be fans because JKR equals her fandom with her own influence. This is called buying into the right-wing narrative. The woman is delusional (I can't think of a non-ableist word atm, and I honestly think that she's not all stable) and you're enabling her and her terf cult. We created the online HP fandom ourselves back in the aughts, before there was any merch, before movie rights were ever sold to WB, a full decade before her advertising machine ever woke up to the fact that an internet fandom existed. JKR has lost relevance for HP fans a long time ago; imagine the slap in the face for her if the fandom starts countering her bigotry by very prominently engaging in trans activism? The JKR terf cult in the HP fandom are a minority, like TERFs themselves (they're only so loud because the right-wing promotes the shit out of them). The vast majority of fans are just the kind of vaguely well-meaning cis people who don't agree with transphobes but are pretty ignorant about trans issues. And I do mean the vast majority, because literally a billion people grew up on her books and only a bare fraction is on social media at all, and even fewer even see the leftist drive to boycott the franchise.

Let's talk demographics. Because of the aforementioned vastness of consumers, the majority of HP fans are cis het, abled, neurotypical Millennials. Because of the way internet penetration works, the majority of HP fans online and even in fandom are white or Western. Leftist spaces mostly attract young and marginalized people, and transformative fandom is full of neurodivergent women and queer people. Which means the majority of people you're reaching are young queer neurodivergent people who have limited economic power themselves. And the people most vulnerable to and impacted by policing and harrassment are trans, Black and brown, Jewish, mentally ill, poor. Do you see the problem? You're policing the very bottom rungs of the socio-economic ladder on the off-chance of maybe influencing a privileged few who might give a damn.

This is literally why we say that boycotts, especially over social media, don't fucking work. Firstly because they penalize the most disenfranchised consumers, it's hard to reach enough people to even explain why they matter, it's hard to keep up with the constant discourse and changing information, and it relies entirely on performance. Someone can stay quiet or nod along furiously to whatever you're saying and then just...go out and buy the thing. Social censure doesn't work when you have the option of not having to face the consequences. Contrary to hellsite opinion, the Fantastic Beasts franchise died because it sucked, and Harry Potter is dying because it's fading from relevance and JKR is being an embarrassment. The wider market doesn't even know y'all exist.

As for the game being racist and antisemitic...you come on my blog, a South Asian who has been in fandom for twenty years, and try to tell me about racism in media???? NINETY-NINE PERCENT OF ALL MEDIA IS RACIST AND ANTISEMITIC YOU ABSOLUTE CLOWN. I'm from South Asia, our children grow up on books written by colonizers! LORD OF THE RINGS is white supremacy! NARNIA is white supremacy! Disney and Marvel is one of the biggest figures in US military industrial complex that razed the Middle East to the ground. It's so ubiquitous that we have to accept the racism and white supremacy as a matter of course to engage with any Western media! And even then fandom is so racist it's hard to even exist in it! We get run out of it when we try to talk about it. You suck on white supremacy every single day you live like it's your Mum's teat! Do you know what it's like to hear whiteys ranting that people who consume this one game they hate are being antisemitic and racist??? While still fawning??? Over cop shows???? And Disney???? And sending Black people??? Death threats??? Over a game???

I don't say "anti-Semites DNI" for the same reason I don't say "racists DNI". Nobody identifies as a racist or antisemite, that's not how systemic oppression works. Radfem and Zionist and Communist are political identities. Radical feminism is underpinned by transphobia and racism, Zionism is currently entrenched in Palestine occupation, Western communists refuse to acknowledge USSR and Global South genocides. See how that works?

Bitch, you didn't just come at me about JKR's indigenous cultural appropriation when I was among the few who were trying to discourage people from supporting Fantastic Beasts back in 2016 and literally got flamed for it. You people did not give a single shit about Natives back then, and you don't give one now. Just like you don't actually care about Jews and never did. I literally never heard about why and how openly alt-right people keep getting this kind of power and position in the gaming industry. Conversations about antisemitism in gaming and antisemitic tropes in entertainment haven't gotten this much traction. No wider revelations about how entertainment media directly funding and promoting social harms. But sure, it's about antisemitism and racism and has absolutely nothing to do with a mess of white queers realizing they can weaponize it like a cudgel against anyone they believe are against them. We know you whites. You care about excuses to take the moral high ground without having to do any self-interrogation or cost to yourself.

Finally, to give y'all one example of where the current discourse around this stupid shit is at:

Fuck you.

[what-if-nct]

hiiii today's reminder is all three of the nct units coming back within the next two months, and the new unit might be debuting soon, and I'm having a hard time being excited for any of it

127, i just want them to take a nap. esp with the J line being injured enough to cancel smtown recordings, i would feel super weird enjoying a new song knowing that it was prepared in between nonstop concerts while three members were hurt. plus i REALLY don't want a 2 baddies part 2, i still don't understand why that song happened

wayv, they seem straight-up cursed at this point. I'm not gonna believe there's an album until the album is actually out. plus part of me is braced for the possibility of a rehashing of the incident from last year that we don't speak about, or at the very least knowing a lot of the discussion about this comeback will be centred around that, which I'm really not looking forward to

dream… i feel like every time i hear about them outside of teasers, it's just another case of them "playfully" making fun of Haechan, especially Jeno and Jisung, to the point where i just… dislike them, as people. i get that they were raised with the expectation that they'll be famous in a society that places a lot of weight on this shit, and I'm sure that's fucked with their heads a lot, but that's no excuse for grown ass adults not to have basic decency yk? it's turning me off the group, even though i love the rest of them. well, most of them, Jaemin and Chenle also give me those vibes, though i don't remember if they've ever explicitly said anything like that on camera

so… idk it's weird. I've spent more than two years with nct being my main hobby (idk if that word applies but it's the only one i could think of), and now it all feels a bit icky. I'm just holding on because i think new wayv content will bring me back to them

Hiii! And first of all I feel exactly the same way about everything that you've said. Every single word of it. Like 127 has been touring nonstop and are about to go out again plus a repackaged album after three members being injured. Like it's the kpop industry Skz is also extremely overworked. But like imagine the overall well being of them if they just released one album a year with multiple music videos, promote for like a month and one full and complete tour then, then they rest for at least 5 to 6 months. Or do their own obligations to brands and stuff. I know it's nothing like western pop music cause they run off of high engagement but it's just such a ridiculous system that is doing nothing but harm. They need rest. Sleep, and FOOD!! They're overworking on extreme diets. Like something has to give before it breaks

Then we have the complete opposite with Wayv where it's been two years since an album and despite there being a rightful reason for the delay right now. it's just so unfortunate that they're not getting to do anything. And I think we all know why wayv's comeback has been put on the back burner till now. I'm happy they had a break and they've been just having fun. But you see it in them they want to work, they're so excited for this album. Which I'm buying the moment it's released. But I just want everyone to focus on the boys for their comeback and not the situation around them. I'm sure it's been harder on every single member of Wayv then it is for us and we just gotta keep it a joyous occasion when it finally happens.

And yeahhh, like before I get to how I feel I just want to say before anyone says its part of their culture. Being Fatphobic and Colorist are bad things!!! It's a toxic part of most cultures! Colorism runs rampant in every single non white culture. And it's fucking bad! As a black person I can acknowledge the colorism in my culture is bullshit. And I have never thought that shit was funny. Im always disgusted seeing how dark skin women are treated. And don't get me started on fatphobia. I just want to know why we don't expect grown ass men who have access to the internet and global knowledge to go against societal norms like most of the Younger generations all over. Like why can't we expect better from them. Like Jeno saying why does Haechan have so much flesh after Haechan complimented his muscles like thats a strike. But when he said Haechan fits black panther..........my eye is twitching. And Jisung also always saying something. Sure we don't know they're dynamic. But Jisung was saying do you think Haechan will ever get paler alone out with Chenle. Like that's just not a joke like that shit effects Haechan who is gorgeous and perfect and beautiful. And I remember Haechan wanting a regular coke and Renjun insisting he get diet coke that rubbed me the wrong way for awhile. If my friends joked with me like that uh we're not friends anymore. Like it's toxic behavior like. It's bad no excuses. It's just bad. It's not okay to joke about esp in public spaces do they not understand their words effect Haechan and fans bigger and darker than Haechan. I think I have the most hope in Jaemin cause I just get that from him. Luckily I am a grown ass woman and it doesn't effect me the way it did when I was 16 and 17. It's why I took a break around 19, like kpop really fucked up my self esteem that I had just acquired. I totally feel you. Sidenote the skz thing with Changbin isn't apart of this. Felix and Chan were obviously talking about Changbin's muscles, he's a little beef cake they've both expressed envy of his physique. So Chan and Felix are cool.

I really don't want a 2 baddies part 2 either. Love 127 but thats one 127 song I can't defend. But when Wayv blesses us with their talent and beauty it'll be the best day.

[mooifyourecows]

i am conversational in spanish and have been for a while! i’ve been learning spanish since i was like 12, so i’ve practiced a lot, which is why i’m considering what my next conquest should be. i just really want to continue to improve to the point of fluency. i know all the rules that i would need to function, just vocab is what i haven’t mastered. i don’t know nearly as many words as i need to. i do love spanish music and tv though, and i plan on going to mexico the summer between graduation and college starting to really improve!

also ASL is so cool, tbh i only really know silly stuff like cereal bath and toy and the alphabet, but i learned a bunch when my deaf cousin visited a couple years ago! she was like 4 so she wasn’t really thinking too complexly so it was super easy words but it was so fun! you should definitely try to learn. especially since it’s all physical, eventually it’s muscle memory. like i haven’t looked at the alphabet in so long but i can do almost all of it just because i did it so much when i was younger

In that case, I'd pick the language that you think would be most useful to you! Polish uses a similar alphabet, though with all those accents and what not, so it might be a little easier than Korean. Though I've heard that Korean is pretty difficult to learn for native English speakers, I also hear that Hangul is one of the best designed alphabets in the world. I also think that Korean might be more useful than Polish considering how big Korean media has become in the western world. Polish is probably a little less common, but if you have sentimental reason to learn it, maybe it would be more fun for you?

I think in terms of what would look impressive on a college application or job application, Korean would probably be the better of the two. Partially because learning an entirely new alphabet is super impressive and partially because there's probably a higher demand for Korean speakers vs Polish speakers.

Either way though, it'll be cool to know either of them! What matters most is what YOU want to do 👌

I had a friend who went to college to learn ASL, which was pretty cool but the way she talked about her class made it seem like HELL because it was a very intense learning environment. You know those types of teachers that are like "FROM NOW ON, WE WILL ONLY COMMUNICATE WITH ASL. IF YOU SPEAK, YOU LOSE POINTS FOR THE DAY" which is like... fucking stupid for a beginner class of people who know ZERO asl. like c'mon, save that teaching method for people who are intermediate at the language, ya know?

My dad had a similar teacher like that in high school but for French. She said that they were not allowed to speak english in the class but it was a beginners class and nobody knew any French so they'd just sit there and stare at her blankly as she spoke French at them. And then she'd get mad when they didn't know what she was saying lmao like WHAT DID YOU EXPECT? that'd they'd just learn through osmosis??? he said that went on for 2 weeks before she finally caved and allowed them to speak english but she had a bad attitude about it for the rest of the semester. it's like... just because you know the language doesn't mean you're qualified to teach it, you know? i'd never have the audacity to think that just because i'm a native English speaker, i could teach non native English speakers how to speak it. unless they were toddlers, i guess lol

one of my friends was an exchange student to Austria and had to learn German in like, less than a year. she said for the first few months living over there, she couldn't understand a THING. then suddenly, it all clicked. lucky for her, her host family was fluent in english so she could still communicate, but for school she said she was so lost, they'd write her up special tests that were in much more basic German. not that they care that much if you do the work. it's more for the experience of a different culture than doing school work. she'd already graduated here in America so they were like, ehh, just have fun

have you looked into an exchange program? i think there's money involved, like i believe my friend had to do some fundraising before she could go, but she said it was an amazing experience and she made so many friends in the program from all over the world! In fact, one of the other kids from my high school went to Poland for his exchange. He struggled with the language even more than my friend though because Polish is more difficult than German. At least for English speakers, since English IS a Germanic language and shares a lot of similarities with it.

but i digress

languages are interesting

[fatliberation]

I’m Abandoning Body Positivity and Here’s Why

In short: it’s fatphobic.

“A rallying cry for a shift in societal norms has now become the skinny girl’s reassurance that she isn’t really fat. Fatness, through this lens of ‘body positivity’, remains the worst thing a person can be.” (Kayleigh Donaldson)

•  •  •

I have always had a lot of conflicting opinions about the body positivity movement, but it’s much more widely known (and accepted, go figure) than the fat liberation movement, so I often used the two terms interchangeably in conversation about anti-fatness. But the longer I’ve been following the body positivity movement, the more I’ve realized how much it has strayed from its fat lib origins. It has been hijacked; deluded to center thin, able, white, socially acceptable bodies.

Bopo’s origins are undoubtedly grounded in fat liberation. The fat activists of the 1960s paved the way for the shred of size acceptance we see in media today, initially protesting the discrimination and lack of access to equal opportunities for fat people specifically. This early movement highlighted the abuse, mental health struggles, malpractice in the medical field, and called for equal pay, equal access, equal respect, an end to fatphobic structures and ideas. It saddens me that it hasn’t made much progress in those regards. 

Today, the #bopo movement encapsulates more the idea of loving your own body versus ensuring that individuals regardless of their weight and appearance are given equal opportunities in the workplace, schools, fashion and media. Somehow those demands never made it outside of the ‘taboo’ category, and privileged people would much more readily accept the warm and fuzzy, sugar-coated message of “love yourself!” But as @yrfatfriend once said, this idea reduces fat people’s struggles to a problem of mindset, rather than a product of external oppressors that need to be abolished in order for fat people to live freely.

That generalized statement, “love yourself,” is how a movement started by fat people for the rights of fat people was diluted so much, it now serves a thin model on Instagram posting about how she has a tummy roll and cellulite on her thighs - then getting praised for loving her body despite *gasp!* its minor resemblance to a fat body. 

Look. Pretty much everyone has insecurities about their bodies, especially those of us who belong to marginalized groups. If you don’t have body issues, you’re a privileged miracle, but our beauty-obsessed society has conditioned us to want to look a certain way, and if we have any features that the western beauty standard considers as “flaws,” yeah! We feel bad about it! So it’s not surprising that people who feel bad about themselves would want to hop on a movement that says ‘hey, you’re beautiful as you are!’ That’s a message everyone would like to hear. Any person who has once thought of themselves as less than beautiful now feels that this movement is theirs. And everyone has insecurities, so everyone feels entitled to the safe space. And when a space made for a minority includes the majority, the cycle happens again and the majority oppresses the minority. What I’m trying to explain here is that thin people now feel a sense of ownership over body positive spaces. 

Regardless of how badly thin people feel about their bodies, they still experience thin privilege. They can sit down in a theater or an airplane without even thinking about it, they can eat in front of others without judgement, they can go the doctor with a problem and actually have it fixed right away, they can find cute clothes in their size with ease, they do not suffer from assumptions of laziness/failure based on stereotype, they see their body type represented everywhere in media, the list goes on and on. They do not face discrimination based off of the size of their body. 

Yet diet culture and fatphobia affects everyone, and of course thin people do still feel bad about the little fat they have on their bodies. But the failure to examine WHY they feel bad about it, is what perpetuates fatphobia within the bopo movement. They’re labeled “brave” for showing a pinch of chub, yet fail to address what makes it so acceptably daring, and how damaging it is to people who are shamed for living in fat bodies. Much like the rest of society, thin body positivity is still driven by the fear of fat, and does nothing to dismantle fatphobia within structures or within themselves.

Evette Dionne sums it up perfectly in her article, “The Fragility of Body Positivity: How a Radical Movement Lost Its Way.”

“The body-positive media economy centers these affirming, empowering, let-me-pinch-a-fat-roll-to-show-how-much-I-love-myself stories while failing to actually challenge institutions to stop discriminating against fat people. More importantly, most of those stories center thin, white, cisgender, heterosexual women who have co-opted the movement to build their brands. Rutter has labeled this erasure ‘Socially Acceptable Body Positivity.’

“On social media, it actually gets worse for fat bodies: We’re not just being erased from body positivity, fat women are being actively vilified. Health has become the stick with which to beat fat people with [sic], and the benchmark for whether body positivity should include someone” (Dionne).

Ah, yes. The medicalization of fat bodies, and the moralization of health. I’ve ranted about this before. Countless comments on posts of big women that say stuff like “I’m all for body positivity, but this is just unhealthy and it shouldn’t be celebrated.” I’ve heard writer/activist Aubrey Gordon once say that body positivity has become something like a shield for anti-fatness. It’s anti-fatness that has been repackaged as empowerment. It’s a striking double-standard. Fat people are told to be comfortable in their bodies (as if that’s what’s going to fix things) but in turn are punished when they’re okay with being fat. Make it make sense.

Since thin people feel a sense of ownership over body positive spaces, and they get to hide behind “health” when they are picking and choosing who can and cannot be body positive, they base it off of who looks the most socially acceptable. And I’m sure they aren’t consciously picking and choosing, it comes from implicit bias. But the socially acceptable bodies they center are small to medium fat, with an hourglass shape. They have shaped a new beauty standard specifically FOR FAT PEOPLE. (Have you ever seen a plus sized model with neck fat?? I’m genuinely asking because I have yet to find one!) The bopo movement works to exclude and silence people who are on the largest end of the weight spectrum. 

Speaking of exclusion, let’s talk about fashion for a minute.

For some reason, (COUGH COUGH CAPITALISM) body positivity is largely centered around fashion. And surprise surprise, it’s still not inclusive to fat people. Fashion companies get a pat on the back for expanding their sizing two sizes up from what they previously offered, when they are still leaving out larger fat people completely. In general, clothing companies charge more for clothes with more fabric, so people who need the largest sizes are left high and dry. It’s next to impossible to find affordable clothes that also look nice. Fashion piggybacks on the bopo movement as a marketing tactic, and exploits the very bodies it claims to be serving. (Need I mention the time Urban Outfitters used a "curvy” model to sell a size it doesn’t even carry?)

The movement also works to exclude and silence fat Black activists.

In her article, “The Body Positivity Movement Both Takes From and Erases Fat Black Women” Donyae Coles explains how both white people and thin celebrities such as Jameela Jamil profit from the movement that Black women built.

“Since long before blogging was a thing, fat Black women have been vocal about body acceptance, with women like Sharon Quinn and Marie Denee, or the work of Sonya Renee Taylor with The Body Is Not An Apology. We’ve been out here, and we’re still here, but the overwhelming face of the movement is white and thin because the mainstream still craves it, and white and thin people have no problem with profiting off the work of fat, non-white bodies.”

“There is a persistent belief that when thin and/or white people enter the body positive realm and begin to repeat the messages that Black women have been saying for years in some cases, when they imitate the labor that Black women have already put in that we should be thankful that they are “boosting” our message. This completely ignores the fact that in doing so they are profiting off of that labor. They are gaining the notoriety, the mark of an expert in something they learned from an ignored Black woman” (Coles).

My next essay will go into detail about this and illuminate key figures who paved the way for body acceptance in communities of color. 

The true purpose of this movement has gotten completely lost. So where the fuck do we go from here? 

We break up with it, and run back to the faithful ex our parents disapproved of. We go back to the roots of the fat liberation movement, carved out for us by the fat feminists, the queer fat activists, the fat Black community, and the allies it began with. Everything they have preached since the 1960s and 70s is one hundred percent applicable today. We get educated. We examine diet culture through a capitalist lens. We tackle thin, white-supremacist systems and weight based discrimination, as well as internalized bias. We challenge our healthcare workers to unlearn their bias, treat, and support fat patients accordingly. We make our homes and spaces accessible and welcoming to people of any size, or any (dis)ability. “We must first protect and uplift people in marginalized bodies, only then can we mandate self-love” (Gordon).

Think about it. In the face of discrimination, mistreatment, and emotional abuse, we as a society are telling fat people to love their bodies, when we should be putting our energy toward removing those fatphobic ideas and structures so that fat people can live in a world that doesn’t require them to feel bad about their bodies. It’s like hitting someone with a rock and telling them not to bruise!

While learning to love and care for the body that you’re in is important, I think that body positivity also fails in teaching that because it puts even more emphasis on beauty. Instead of saying, “you don’t have to be ‘beautiful’ to be loved and appreciated,” its main lesson is that “all bodies are beautiful.” We live in a society obsessed with appearance, and it is irresponsible to ignore the hierarchy of beauty standards that exist in every space. Although it should be relative, “beautiful” has been given a meaning. And that meaning is thin, abled, symmetric, and eurocentric. 

Beauty and ugliness are irrelevant, made-up constructs. People will always be drawn to you no matter what, so you deserve to exist in your body without struggling to conform to an impossible and bigoted standard. Love and accept your body for YOURSELF AND NO ONE ELSE, because you do not exist to please the eyes of other people. That’s what I wish we were teaching instead. Radical self acceptance!

As of today, the ultimate message of the body positivity movement is: Love your body “despite its imperfections.” Or people with “perfect and imperfect bodies both deserve love.” As long as we are upholding the notion that there IS a perfect body that looks a certain way, and every body that falls outside of that category is imperfect, we are upholding white supremacy, eugenics, anti-fatness, and ableism.

[lucidpantone]

For me personally, I can't get over the fact that Italia committed the cardinal sin of casting a white non muslim actress to play the role of Sana. Sorry for bringing back the same old debate but please hear me out. It's an undeniable fact that, representation does not count without opportunity. She was played by a wonderfully talented actress, but she gets to take that hijab off at the end of the day and go back to living a life where she or her family have never had to face the ostracism of living as muslims in the western world. The other Sana actresses intrinsically understand this nuance of their lives because they have lived it, which is why they are able to contribute to the writing and give story suggestions for their seasons regardless of the real tptb.

I'm not saying talent and authenticity can't exist without trauma and suffering. But the casting of Sana is a political act in itself. It is meant to break barriers for the unheard and the neglected voices within the industry, thereby bringing their struggles and their shame to the forefront, and also to give them a place at the table. As an equal. It's an attempt at leveling the playing field.

What Julie Andem did in casting an actual hijabi non-actress to play Sana in a country like Norway was imo, revolutionary. It gave Iman a platform. Even if Skam had not become an international phenomenon, Iman still received her due recognition within Norway, and now she's out and about doing her own revolutionary stuff. The other remakes understood this aspect and rightfully cast a muslim actress, while Italia simply stole that opportunity from muslim talent in the country. Right now, we could be celebrating a never known Italian muslim actress just the way we celebrate the rest of the Sanas who achieved international acclaim for their performances alongside the Evas and the Noras and the Isaks of the world. But we'll never ever have that now. It's honestly unforgivable. Think of the stolen opportunity from a young muslim teenager who might have been a fan of the og and wanted to play Sana, and what message she received with this casting.

Ironically, Italia is also one of my favourite remakes, I actually love the focus on relationships and the beautiful cinematography, an overall chilled out pacing, and the touch of originality within each season. Giovanni is an absolute legend, and besse is a brilliant director. But they did their Sana dirty. It's irreversible damage. It's important to note that it was only after the massive backlash that they found actual brown/muslim actors to play Sana's friends and family in S4 and the story was with consultation of a Muslim journo/writer. She wasn't a writer on the show, she was a consultant. Which is great, but not the same thing. Who is to say that without the backlash they'd have taken all of these steps? Besse spent time with muslims and studied the culture and tried to create an authentic story for his Sana, but his casting of Sana is his Achilles heel. It also had like zero black actors except for the temporary boyf of Filippo in s3. Someone who knows nothing about the contemporary Italians may think there are no black people in Italy.

Italia S4 is only marginally better in that it didn't completely annihilate their Sana the way skamfr and skames did. Let's not start with Druck because that's a whole bunch of missed opportunities and laziness. Wtfock... Well let's see if they can surprise me. Keeping my expectations six feet under the ground.

Its long after the cut

Ohhh trust me I get it. I feel a lot like this right now concerning casting a MOC as a main. Like most fans of color set the bar super fucking low already concerning mains that aren’t white. People will literally make all types of allowances just to simply get one main who isn’t white in a remake. Speaking for me personally, I will over look using stereotypical tropes, I will overlook them being model/influencers, I will look the obvious lack of effort from the writers to attack meaningful storylines that actually highlight the experiences of people of color simply to get some representation. This is why I am still angry about the Moyo thing because literally all wtfock had to do was main him and they would have got a pat on the back for doing the bare ass minimum and they wouldn't even do that because they didn’t think maining a black boy would be profitable so in many ways am happy that shit blew up in their face. You deserved it for being stupid but the person that pays that price ultimately is Noa and that hurts. Concerning Italia I think thats the thing that stings the most that if Ludo would have just made minimal effort like the bare minimum and just found an actress who was muslim people would have applauded him for getting a half decent script out that finally gave a muslim actress meaningful plot that felt honest to her experiences. So its like damn can any of Sana’s just get a fucking win bruh. Like people are literally willing to take the bare minimum here. Like if wtfock does even a half decent job people will praise them and in many ways they didnt deserve the praise because all they did was do the bare minimum for Nora. I mean if its written well of course I will acknowledge a well written script but it does feel sorta of like is this even a win when we are on our 6 Sana remake. It takes fuck up after fuck up to get a half decent season that doesnt undercut the muslim girls narrative for once. Like people aint even asking for much either. Also I agree about the actress being muslim because Nora herself has said that a muslim protagonist who isn’t shown in some harsh oppressive light hasn't really been seen in belgium. I also appreciate that she has experience some of the issues Yasmina will depict. Nora’s conflict between wearing a hijab and not wearing one. Nora’s conflict between really trying to identify if Islam really was for her and ultimately researching and studying and accepting Islam into her heart because it felt like it was the right path for her and I agree that they took those experiences away from a muslim italian actress and her opportunity to depict them. I still want to recognize its definitely one of the most solid script of out of the remakes but I am also well aware that I have made a shit ton of personal allowances when coming to that conclusion because I am comparing it to a bunch of mediocre efforts. 

[yourtoradorasextendedwarranty]

Radical Trans Activism

Alright so que the children on tumblr calling me a transphobe and saying there is no such thing as a radical activist. 

Let me be clear in this opening statement. I do not hate or dislike trans people in any capacity. My issue is with and only with trans activists specifically of the radical type. I’ll explain.

Right now there is a subsect of Trans activists that have this idea that everyone can be trans. They use ideas like “If a boy likes girly things, they are a girl.” or “If they are a girl and the like boyish things they are actually a boy”. It doesn’t stop there though. They also will not question a person who believes they are trans at all. All they will do is just “yes yes yes, so brave so bold so great” with zero question at all. Even going so far as to say you don’t need body dysphoria at all to be trans. And their worst offense if that wasn’t the worst, is the fact they coined the term “egg”. As in “You are not actually gay or lesbian. You are actually strait. You are just a trans person waiting to “hatch”. *Also of note, this reinforces that stereotypes for clothing, toys, and products ARE gendered and need to stay separate. Meaning YOU are the ones trying to bring back gender stereotypes and keep them in place. Which is also harmful to people who are gender non conforming or a-sexual*

This type of stuff is all pretty disgusting because you will see activists lie and say this does not happen. But it does. And it happens often. There are even blog sites and discord servers dedicated to “hatching eggs”. How messed up a person do you have to be to tell a person in their late teens early 20′s they they are not gay. What are you saying? A man can love another man unless he’s “actually a woman”. The level of sheer bigotry coming off that is insane. The phrase “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” exists specifically for people like this. Neo Progressives that think progress at all costs, even lives, is the right path. It’s not. And I’ll tell you why. For the past 6 years, LGBT acceptance has been going down. Not because people are becoming bigger bigots. Not even. The reason is that being “hyper gay and angry” became a literal personality. Gay people have always wanted to just be accepted. More over, they just wanted to love who they love and that’s it. It was never “accept that I’m flamboyantly gay and hate everything that’s not gay” never once was that what “Pride” was about. Never once was that what was wanted. 

Now however, we have LGBT acceptance seeing an all time low. Worse than that, pride parades have become fetish parades. You know what that has caused? Even the idea of acceptance in traditionalist countries is now in the tank. Because they one thing LGBT people wanted all up until the early 00′s was not to be considered degenerate just because they love someone from the same sex. “Oh well those cultures are bigoted and they need to get with the times” I hear you say like to morons I know you are. Missing the bigger picture. Obama was anti gay marriage. And the only reason he was for it later on was for the votes for a second term. Meaning you need those countries to accept LGBT people in general as a large group. Instead however you have turned being gay into this “fuck cis people they are all stupid, dirty, unclean, and i’m better in every way because gay people never do anything wrong. Assault? Rape? Battery? Crime in general? Cheating? Nah never.” NEWS FLASH! Gay people are human too. Just like trans people. Just like cis/strait people. But you’ve all turned being gay into a personality type. It’s not. Being flamboyant is a personality trait. And not all gay people are flamboyant. Not all lesbians are butch. 

So how does this all play in to radical trans activism? Glad you *probably didn’t* ask. Just like with the above situation causing LGBT people in other countries to be seen as more and more degenerate as the US is almost always he main stage for that type stuff, you are all tying to erode things that are not fake. I mean people try to say male and female are not even real. Well funny you should say that because if they are not trans is also fake. Why change your body if what you feel is fake anyways. Your body isn’t male. Male isn’t real. See the logic there. Of course you don’t. You are probably either some tween on this hell site trying to act like you know better, or some 20 something that thinks they know everything. Me? I’ve got 8-10 years of psychological studies under my belt. Although, on to the fun bits. You need body dysphoria to be trans; Otherwise you are not trans. The difference is that trans people can’t help how they feel. You with your need to special saying you are trans is insulting as fuck to actual trans people too. Oh and the “yes men” I mentioned earlier? They are responsible for what is now 100′s of detransitions in the UK. Mostly teens-early 20′s. And a lot of them were affirmed left and right. Told that for sure they were trans. THEY WERE FUCKING INDOCTRINATED. And many will never be able to fully detransition either. Meaning their lives are fucked in some way or another. Why? Oh well lets list it off. 

Excess body hair up to and including facial and body hair

Hair loss

The growth of breasts on a biological boy

Weight loss or gain because of the transition hormones

Lower bone density

Less functional immune system

Stunted Height

Possible issues in brain development. 

Possible medical issues based on the hormones received that would not normally affect your biological sex. 

Dysphoria caused by either top or bottom surgery *which is not always reversible* (Which can also lead to depression and suicide feeling you made a rushed decision and made a huge mistake*

And that’s the short list. But the majority of people that were affected by this affirmation transitioning were mostly women. And a number of them were actually lesbians who saw being trans as a way to follow tradition of the male/female dynamic. And a large number were on the autism spectrum. 

So let me put this in a way you will understand. Radical Trans activists, much like the gay “children” today, are going to not only tank acceptance. They are likely going to make it harder to transition in the future. Because when the case number of detransitions reaches the 1000′s and Neo Progressives can’t hide them anymore, legislation will start to pass to protect people from all of this. Even if they are actually trans. And a recent pediatric study showed that over 90% of children with body dysphoria get over it by the time they are teens. The reason you all need to accept this is because you’d willingly ruin the lives of thousands of people just so one trans person can be happy. Which is pretty fucked up. To put that in prospective, that the same as you killing the many in the trolley problem. That’s what happens when you base your life decisions on feelings rather than logic and real life. 

Long story short? You are doing more harm than good. You will be the reason that a generation down the road, actual trans people can’t get transitions. And it will not just be a problem of the middle east or traditionalist countries. This will be western countries like Canada, The US, UK, Australia etc. Both socially and legally there will be more and more road blocks. And you might think it won’t happen but it will. Just like PC language police and woke culture has resulted in racism getting worse over the last few years. 

Take heed to what I’m saying. You can call me a bigot or whatever you like (it doesn’t make you right), but fact is as well intentioned as you might be, you need to understand that what you are doing, and saying, will bring far more harm than good. Also to anyone that sees this that might be trans, take your time, talk to people that don’t just affirm you. Honestly? Seek therapy with a therapist that will talk to you about the pros AND cons of transitioning. Do not listen to people on here, do not just listen to yes men. You need to know for sure before you transition. Just read above as to what can happen to you. You might thing it’s no big deal, but it is. Sure find yourself. But just because you don’t like your body doesn’t mean you have dysphoria. Legit go to and stick with therapy if you think you do have it though. Because fact is transitioning is not a magic fix all. No matter who tells you it is. And be sure to avoid and shut down radical activists. if you don’t, they will be the cause of trans people getting hurt in the future. Be it by legislation or by society or both. Love yourself before you change yourself and beware of people trying to turn you into something that you are not. Especially you younger people. You might think you and your friends know everything but I promise they don’t. And they often won’t be there after you make mistakes. 

[thewestmeetingroom]

Looking to the Future of LGBTQ+ Identities in Eastern Europe and the Slavic Diaspora

Broadcast Jan. 9, 2021 - 58:12

SPEAKERS

Rebekah Robinson, Gala Mukomolova, Damir Imamović, Mateusz Świetlicki 

[Into Music]

Rebekah Robinson:  Hello, and welcome to the West Meeting Room. On today's episode, hosted by me, Rebekah, one of the producers here, you'll hear part of a conversation that I moderated titled, Looking to the Future of LGBTQ Identities in Eastern Europe and the Slavic Diaspora, which took place on Zoom on Monday, November 2, 2020, and organised by the Slavic Languages and Literatures Department here at the University of Toronto. I sat down with writer and poet Gala Mukomolova, Dr. Mateusz Świetlicki, and musician, Damir Imamović, to discuss the role of culture and activism in the community as they look toward the future. I would like to thank professors, Dragana Obradovic, Zdenko Mandušić, and Angieszka Jezyk, for putting together this conversation and inviting me to moderate. The bios for these accomplished speakers will be available in this episode’s show notes.

Rebekah:  I've been really looking forward to this conversation over the past few weeks. And so, I'm hoping in order to get started, that each of you could briefly tell us about the context in which you're coming from, and the work that you do. And if the cultural context from which you're coming from influences your work in any sort of way. I know, we've mentioned that a little bit during your bios. I'd like to get into it a little bit more. And let's start with Gala on this one.  

Gala Mukomolova:  Okay, sure. Um, well, I am primarily a writer, and that's what I do. I write a lot of astrology things.

[chuckles]

And that is, I mean, I feel it's interesting already, just to think about like musicians and philosophers and rebels, and literature scholars as a point of conversation around world events. I think that I came to astrology writing sort of by circumstance. And I've mostly tried my best because it's very commercial and I work for a major syndicate to subtly or unsubtly move large masses that would otherwise be un-politicized by my like weekly astrology writings. And all my writing work that's more creative or personal, like the essays or the poems that I write, are very influenced by my upbringing, and I guess, just where I'm at, right. So I was raised, but, I mean, I was born in Moscow. My family's Jewish. We had to immigrate to Brooklyn, around the wave time that everybody else did. 1992 / 1993, I was raised very much in, in a kind of, like, understanding of difference as marker, right. So it's like the idea that who we are is always in relation to who we are not, or history. And I think that what I'm interested in, actually, in this discussion is, is learning more about people who are in place. Like I think I come from, my writing comes from being displaced. And, yeah, I don't know, I feel like there's so much, I mean, it's just who we are always influences what we make, right? I think that I also am very invested in a queer post-Soviet perspective, and that's really particular because I, I have an okay relationship with my family now, but I was disowned for many years and didn't speak to them. And the idea of being like, queer, or lesbian was antithetical to being Russian, to being Jewish -- Russian Jewish, because we're like, Well, you know, like, when you're, when you're a Jewish person from Moscow, but like, my family doesn't identify as Russian. They identify as Jewish. So it's like a particular thing to say, but, um, I think understanding the amount of disavowal that happens amongst like, how people come to define themselves. Like, with my family, being like, “Well, you know, if you're choosing this aspect of yourself, then you're not one of us, right?” But the “one of us” mentality has to come from a fear that you need to keep being like, non-Western. I'm just, like, kind of like creating this idea of devotion to the to the national idea. I don't know. So, which doesn't claim you, right, the national idea which doesn't claim you. So like, Russian people for so long, did not really claim Jewish people as one of their own. And yet, like to be clear, like Jewish Russia is to create a disavowal from the country that you come from, which we actually disavow to begin with.

Rebekah:  Thank you so much, Gala, I think that's, I like the idea of, you know, or I find the ideas fascinating about being displaced within, like these different communities. You know, and I know you mentioned your work with astrology. And I'm hoping that you can about how these sort of intersections and ideas maybe even play into like contributing to your writing these astrological pieces. And as well as just know who we are is in relation to who we are not. Like, that's especially prevalent in today's politics throughout Eastern Europe and throughout the world, really. You know, everyone's trying to juxtapose themselves. And there's this fear of othering. So, I hope we can touch on that in this conversation as well. Let's move over to Damir, if you could introduce us, tell us a little bit about the work that you do. And if you find that your cultural context is influencing your work as well.

Damir Imamović:  Thanks Rebekah. No, yeah, of course. I was born in 1978, during the time of Socialist Yugoslavia. And probably, mostly the kids at that time, end of 80s, I was what 10, 11, 12 when the war, when the dissolution of Yugoslavia started that I, 14, 13 and a half, something like that. So I somehow feel that most of us who are coming from that geographical area , we we carry this mark and this, most of our interests of that generation, or are of those generations are still colored by this, you know, traumatic event that happened in Yugoslavia. In the beginning, I started playing music during the war when Sarajevo was under the siege. I was in a shelter. And us kids, we were bored basically, so I had to do something. You know, you can't go out you can't do much. And some days, you cannot even go to your apartment upstairs. And I picked up a guitar and started learning songs. And, but actually, and of course, traditional music was always big around me in my family of traditional musicians. But I also, my first songs that I fell in love with were, you know, rock and roll, jazz. It was 90s. So, the whole Nirvana. But somehow in Bosnia, in Sarajevo, especially this sevdah traditional music, which was strongly rooted in Slavic oral culture, but also had a strong Turkish Ottoman Empire influence was always around, you know. So I just, I woke up as a 20 something year old and realized that I know all these songs. You know, in the day, I even use them not only as songs, I speak in that way sometimes. You know, they're some little pieces of those songs, some parts of it, I use it in everyday speech and it's so much a part of me. And then I realized only actually several years back that I was always interested, because this trauma really formed me. And my primary school class completely dissipated when the war started, you know, and suddenly, we became strangers. And that's why even today, I'm still probably quite close, closer to my friends from primary school, because I was in seventh grade when we started, then with later on high school, friends and university friends and other people. And I realized that without me knowing that all of my themes I was really interested in, you know, like, after high school, we have this system where we write at, like, a final paper in high school. Some kind of a diploma or something. And, of course, the University the same. And just when I look back, I realized that all of these things were actually connected to the same topic. And it is, how is it possible that people become strangers to one another, you know, when I, I never had the problem, intellectual or artistic with people being, you know, foreigners, people being unknown to one another. And you discover something that you don't know, but this very feeling that due to some act of politics, history, whatever, you become stranger. You become this foreign person, you know, and of course, coming out is a big part of that. Because it's, you know, the situation when you have some friends, you have family, and after coming out, and that's what a lot of LGBTQ people know, you suddenly become somebody else and you're still the same fucking person. But there's this estrangement, or whatever the word is in English, that happens, you know. So a lot of what I do is is kind of colored by that. Even without me knowing that I - That's actually one thing I'm rediscovering about what I do. But I have, you know, I always had diverse interests. I always loved literature, history, philosophy. Music was just a part of it. And after studying philosophy in Sarajevo, I had my ideas of pursuing a career as a philosopher means mostly sitting at one place and thinking, anyway. But I was lucky enough that I, just by chance, I was offered a gig as a musician, and I did it. And it was a big success. And I just felt that that's what I love doing, you know. And of course, later on, after that, I realized that I don't have to give up on my intellectual interest, you know. But I can still write, I can still, you know, research stuff and, and I realized that you have to, if you have an opportunity, you have to take over this place in mainstream society and speak with a different voice from there. You know, it's not, because mostly, I mean, the whole of Balkans, meaning former Yugoslavia, plus other countries in Eastern Europe, is actually today a place people are mostly forced to leave if they want to live their dreams, you know. And I remember this, this first Pride parade in Sarajevo last year at which I played. There was one moment when I literally wanted to cry. And that was when I saw all these guys and girls, queer couples of all kinds who are from Sarajevo, usually, both of them, you know, from a couple they were both from Sarajevo, but they've been living in, I don't know, all over the world for 15 plus years. And then they came back for that particular date was such a strong message, you know? So that's just for starters.  

Rebekah:  Absolutely. Thank you so much. I feel like you brought a lot of food for thought. e\Especially, I like the concept of how even within a specific region, you know, you become a stranger to one another through force of trauma, but also how that can also impact how LGBT people are also impacted as well. Especially when coming out from to their families or to their society, to their communities, on how you can even be ostracized and a kind of stranger in that way too. So, I hope we can explore that idea of being considered other and this estrangement that you mentioned later on in our conversation. How about you Mateusz?.

Mateusz Świetlicki:  That's a difficult question. First of all, I want to say that I absolutely love my job. I love everything about it. It gives me satisfaction for a number of reasons. But before I say few things about these reasons, let me answer the question. Because your question was about, you know, the personal experience. I think that we cannot escape our personal experience at all. In order to, you know, succeed. You need to combine your personal experience. You need to stay, you know, truthful to your own self and your heritage and your identity. And, I was born in Poland. I lived in Poland when I was a child. I also lived in Germany. I also live in Louisiana, Shreveport, Louisiana. And I decided to stay in Poland. I decided to stay here because I do have hope. And I think that sharing my experience, sharing all of the things that I know. Sharing my you know, vision of the world, can actually help my students. And I absolutely do use my experience when it comes to my writing. When it comes to my teaching. When it comes to my writing, I have a degree in Slavic studies and Ukrainian studies and in American Studies. And I published a few things about Ukrainian literature, about Polish literature, about American literature. I try to write some things about gender, about men studies, about masculinity studies about queer things. I tried to find some queer themes in Ukrainian literature, but I always, I've always been interested in children's literature and YA literature and popular culture. I find this trash culture to be extremely inspiring. Now I'm working on a project on North American children's literature. By North American, I mean both American and Canadian. But, I'm writing about literature books written by Ukrainian and Polish authors. I mean, second, third, fourth generation Ukrainian / Polish authors. So books written in English, but books about the experience of being Polish, the experience of being Canadian, the experience of being Polish Canadian. The experience of being Ukrainian Canadian, experience of being Ukrainian, in Canada, and so on. So I think I'm trying to somehow combine my expertise. Like, I think this is the perfect topic for me, because I'm using everything of my knowledge. So I can use my Slavic studies, background, and my English studies, American Studies, background. And every single time when I want to write about, let's say, memory. When I want to write about something else, I always end up thinking about queerness, I always end up thinking about the ways in which sexuality or gender are, you know, constructed in the literature or film. And I think it is connected to my identity, you know. This topic, I cannot escape this topic, you know. I absolutely cannot escape this gender theme, and it's difficult to do that in Poland. And when it comes to the last few years, when you hear your president saying that LGBT is not people, LGBT is ideology. When you hear politicians saying that we have to make sure that gender ideology and the so called LGBTQ ideology doesn't destroy our children. And there's always the child to use as this political, you know, tool. It's, on the one hand, it's challenging to write about such topics. But on the other hand, I find it so fascinating and stimulating, intellectually stimulating. And I think that we should resist. And this leads me to what I said at the beginning of my little speech. My students, teaching is fascinating, really, and inspiring. And my students are absolutely brilliant. I am so privileged to be teaching a number of really intelligent, clever young people who are sick and tired of this situation. Who grew up in Poland, with the internet around them, who grew up traveling, you know, going on vacation to various different places. And there are queer individuals who want to live in Poland, and who want to, and who are proud or openly gay, or lesbian or transgender, and they don't care. And they don't want to move to America or to Canada or to Germany. They want to stay here and they want to make a change. And what I hear my students tell me that my classes made them want to fight. I'm shocked because I always think that my classes are ideologically neutral. So I always think that I'm not really that political in class. But it turns out that while I'm not trying to be political, I am political. So yesterday, my wonderful graduate student told me that during one of like, random classes, like ethics of academic work, stuff like that -  I taught them about the phenomenon of angry white men in America, like Trump supporters. And someone, and I didn't remember that, I just used some basic examples of books, and I, and I asked them to come up with a list of Works Cited. And then she told me that because of this little class, the entire group, read that book. And that's why I find my job to be really, my profession to be really inspiring, because I can teach. I can write and my students really inspire me. So I, every single class influences my writing.

Rebekah:  We'll tease that out, for sure. I really enjoyed this idea of Polish people who want to remain in Poland because that's like their home, you know. And just trying to make it a place. I think that's going to be one of the ending questions, you know, what are their hopes for the future? How can people you know, move to this place where they can build a society and build an area where they can be completely themselves. And so I want to hold on to that idea and bring that up a little bit later. Thank you. Gala, I wanted to go back a little bit to talk about your astrology workings. And I want to see how might your traditional Slavic values, maybe that you have been surrounded with ongoing in your life, how you maybe incorporate them a little bit into your writing astrology? Or how even being part of a diaspora community, how that might influence your work when writing about astrology?

Gala:   I'm just feeling inspired a little bit by all the hopefulness. I think that, I'll say this. I think that when I came to astrology as more of a work than a hobby or an interest, so much of it has to do with the fact that in ways I was raised with astrology, it's like a shared language with my family, because it's pretty similar in Russian or post-Soviet culture. Soviet culture, as it is in the West. That said, I don't know. I think that as Mateusz was speaking, I was thinking about, you know, what it means to have pride in place, or like a nationalistic love. I think that I was very much raised without it. Very much raised without place, and in some ways, like a kind of - like, I feel like I was raised in a refugee Jewish community, which had a lot of pride in the fact that they came from a Jewish lineage. And also, at the same time, kind of had no God, and no rituals, no practices, right? No, no prayers that we knew. And so, most esoteric practice was sort of memory based. We light a candle on this day, we don't wear shoes in the house, I can't tell you why. You know, things like that were just sort of based on like a rule, a rule you inherited that you follow blindly. And so for me, I think astrology as I got older, and as I found, safety and pattern was a place where I could connect to all these different types of rituals and understandings about the largeness of the universe, without being completely far away from where I came from. And I do think that now as I inhabit this world. And like the astrology world, is kind of a world because they're, you know, on a, on a level of who's creating it and how there are just so many social media facets. So many different types of writers, many different types of people who are offering the same thing. But I do think that astrology is inherently invested in like the domino effect or the collective effect, right? So there's this idea that what happens there affects us here, right? That the sun is not shining on one side of the planet, for no reason at all. And that there is a continuation, and also that there is a story that happened before us and is happening after us. And I think that being in a lineage of people who were moved toward the collective, who sacrificed a great deal for the collective is information. Like I don't think that I was raised to believe in the collective. Like I actually was, I was brought into a country, I was brought into your country with this premise that now we'd like that we would have individual lives, right. And that being said, I was then raised in this sort of, in a tense, what an astrologer might call a kind of square between two planets aspect between people who actually wanted to escape a collective, authoritarian, totalitarian really, rule, and people who actually valued collective ideology as more righteous and more ethical. So this idea that I wasn't just myself, I was part of my family and I wasn't just part of my family. I was part of a lineage of people who survived numerous mass genocides, you know. I wasn't just, I wasn't just learning to live in a country for myself, but at the same time, also, one could never go back to what those collective ideas and beliefs lead us, right. So that tension, that place for me is a lot of the place where I write from as well. I think when it comes to astrology, because I think that astrology has always been political, has always been, you know, used in rulerships of presidents and kings. So I think that there's a sense that the, the stars that you might be interested in, in terms of like your love life, or whatever, like your new job, are also the same stars that if one were to believe it so, are impacting the people who make it hard for you to get that job. Make it hard for you to be present in your love life. I think that if I can use whatever medium I have, that maybe people seek for just gentle comfort or some sense of accompaniment, some sense of like, pleasure or relief, if I can use that medium to let people know that not only are they connected to a larger picture, but that larger picture is also connected back to them and their daily behaviors and their daily lives and what they think about, then maybe I'm doing my job.

Rebekah:  Absolutely, that's actually really beautiful. Thank you for sharing that. I think this idea of using different creative mediums, whether that's through astrology, with your music, finding ways to connect, to connect these different themes and different ideas that are inherently political, that we sometimes don't always see as being political and reaching a larger audience that might otherwise not choose to engage with it. So, thank you for sharing that. And then speaking of music, I wanted to go back over to Damir and ask, you know, how do you take this genre of music of sevdah, and how might this traditional music make sense, and how do you incorporate that? How do you speak to this modern world in which you're producing this music? I'm wondering what that looks like for you?

Damir:  Well, there are many ways of course, and the very act of doing that today, at least at a time when I was beginning 16 / 17 years ago, the very act of doing that was in a way that you know, I was already, you know, quite active in, as a student in many feminist and queer organizations. I was already, you know, doing different stuff. And I remember some of my friends told me, come on, you're a young hip guy. You should do jazz or rock or pop or stuff like that, why would you do sevdah? You know, because sevdah was similar to the folk music in United States. You know, or country music was some kind of, you know, popular, extremely popular music, but it was some kind of a redneck music. One part of it was some kind of rural community music, you know, not all of it. And, but for me, I always saw other things in it. You know, I saw how important it is. And, and it was actually at the time end of the 90s beginning of 2000s, when actually quite a lot of music, musical groups or individuals started to see, like - I remember this, they were really good at the beginning, actually from Poland. So, they were doing Polish folk music, but in a really punk way. On the on the other hand, on this kind of research side, I completely feel what Gala just said, about finding some structure in this whole you know, crazy crazy world. And I remember when I was a kid, I read a poem by Rita Mae Brown and she said at some point, like you know, she's having cancer, she's queer, and she had so many layers of her personality and her body and her everything, but she said at some point like, which one of me, of I's, will survive all these changes? You know, what will be left at the end? So, I feel that what God said that this need to find some order in this crazy world, and for me, it's it's music theory and scales of this sevdah music because it's when you see it from that point of view, it's actually sevdah music, as a lot of Balkan music, is situated between two worlds. Two worldviews of music you know, one is a Western European, and another one is this oriental, usually Ottoman history gave us this, this oriental way of thinking about music, you know, which is different. And it's not like, completely different but they, you know, that they're places where they connect. So when you do theory, in Bosnian, in sevdah music, you're constantly with one leg you're in this Eastern world of hearing music and thinking about harmonies, melodies, and everything. And at the same time you're doing, you're doing it in the western medium. For me those scales and teaching them, researching them, and then teaching them and trying to find some order in that is also a way of doing that, you know. And of course, there are a lot of, you know, everyday usage of music in many ways. And that's sometimes with artists, it's hard to control it, you know, what your music is. How you convey it. And how will people use it.

Rebekah:  Thank you so much for all that. I did want to ask in terms of like your music, are there any themes or ideas that you try to incorporate, like modern themes into your traditional folk music? And how do you incorporate those, like, what kind of language and stuff do you use, especially considering the, I guess, the traditional structure of the framework of music, how you choose to go about doing that?

Damir:  Well, when I started doing it, I realized that this music was codified in the socialist time, in the time of famous socialist radio stations. So, there was a time when this, in former Yugoslavia, every different ethno national groups had their own cultural expression. And I realized that behind that there's a, there's just a peak of an iceberg, you know. A huge, huge, there's a whole iceberg of music, you know, that we just see the top of. And I realized that, that's why that's where I wanted to go. And there I found a crazy humane, everyday, everyday world of old recordings, interviews, everything, you know. And I was especially happy to find, and I used it in this exhibition I curated in 2015, in Sarajevo, where I can try to portray the history of this music behind what people usually know, through, you know, all the different materials. And I included many, you know, of course, queer stories, all the different other things that were just left out of official histories, you know. But for me, my idea, talking about writing about this music and researching it was, I never wanted to write the queer history of sevdah music. And I've spoken to many of my friends who are, you know, queer activists, or activists in different fields. And they taught me that, you know, if you do only this "small thing," you become some kind of expert in queer stuff, and that's your field. In that way, I realized that there is no history of music. Nobody, it has never been written by anyone on any, not even a positivist stupid, dumb, you know, kind of a book. And then I said, Yeah, I'm gonna write a history of the music. I have to take this mainstream position, you know, and push it. And my music and what I do artistically is completely different. And I, to be honest, I have no control of that. I was lucky enough to be invited to do music for films and theatre, a part from my scene of the stage work and performance quite early. And I started in 2007. And when I realized that I can do that. I can write, you know, when you work, in so called in functional music, which is theater, film and stuff that you have a director, you have a need for a particular music, you know, in a scene. So nobody asks you: What do you like? You have to do that, that as a craftsman, you know. You just do what's needed. So when I realized, you know, I can write the rock and roll song, I can arrange for chamber quartet, that I can do stuff for a choir and stuff. Then I realized, maybe there's a way for me to write sevdah songs, you know, because it's been decades since new sevdah songs kind of appeared. And that's how I started in 2007 and writing for myself and other people. My first song was traditional lyrics and my own melody. It's called Dva Se Draga Vrlo Milovala: Two Darlings Caressed Each Other. And that's a beautiful lyrics about two souls in love, but of course, mother and father forbids it, so they have to separate and they die and they buried them together, blah, blah, blah. It starts with this gender neutral description of two darlings. You know, Dva Se Draga Vrlo Milovala, for those of you who speak language, you recognize the pattern. And, there's been a lot of these songs in the history of sevdah genres and neighboring genres of music, but they were abandoned because they were, you know, modern culture didn't tolerate this gender neutral. So they become male and female, in the second part of the song, after mother comes in, and prohibits the marriage, or them being together, you know, and everything in this song separates into, you know, into genders, into graves, into everything. So I was so inspired by the lyrics that I wrote the melody to it, and that's how it started. So these days, luckily enough, this sevdah genre, I wrote a lot of songs for myself and other musicians, other performers. There are other people writing new songs. So, I think something is happening there. And a significant part of it also has this queer, I mean, there are different kinds of people in this in the scene. But there are also people who are who are pushing this new idea of what tradition is.

Rebekah:  I really love this idea of incorporating, you know, different ideas and queer elements of culture into this new tradition of music and going forth, like in that way. And that's something that more and more people are starting to get involved with. And I like this idea of representation of like, the queer communities, especially if even if it's gender neutral, that it's part of the history. It's not like just made up, it's an ongoing thing. And so how can we modernize that and shape that for a new audience? And also thinking about representation? I wanted to turn to Mateusz and think about what does representation look like, especially concerning LGBT interests in young adult literature and children's literature? And how does that look specifically within Poland? And do you think that students and children are getting their needs met or interests met within literature?

Mateusz:  That's a very good question. Um, there's a number of LGBTQ themed Polish books, mostly picture books and YA novels, and of course, there are a number of translations, mostly from English, but not only from English. And similarly to Ukraine and Hungary, such books usually become, quite, let's say, political, or maybe not the books themselves become political, but they become political tools. And this, you know, political, anti-LGBTQ+ discourse. For example, there's this really interesting book: Kim Jest Slimak Sam. I'm not sure if you've heard about it, probably not. So, yeah, it was published in 2015. By it's a picture book by Maria Pawłowska and Jakub Szamałek illustrated by Katarzyna Bogucka. It's quite similar to And Tango Makes Three, let's say, became similar because it caused a number of controversies because its protagonist Sam the snail, who is just starting school is a hermaphrodite. He's a snail. Yeah, I mean, Sam is a snail. Interestingly, both advocates and opponents of the book seem convinced about the power of literacy. In this book, when a teacher asks pupils to split into two gendered groups, Sam does not know what to do and hides inside their shell. And the school psychologist asks Sam to prepare a report on the storm that passed the area the day before. And to do that, Sam needs to meet and talk to several queer animals inhabiting the nearby woods. While the picture, while this picture book is biologically accurate, some Polish Education Officers ordered the book removed from school libraries as inappropriate for young children and for its potential to promote "gender ideology." And this is not surprising when we remember that an educational supervisor from lesser Poland tweeted that LGBT is an endorsement of pedophilia. And when we remember the fact that the former Minister of Education, Anna Zalewska, tried to ban Rainbow Friday. Rainbow Friday is a name of events aiming to show queer children and teenagers that school should be a safe space for all. And it's worth mentioning that despite the years of progress, the situation of LGBTQ+ individuals in Poland has deteriorated under the role of the populist Law and Justice (PiS) Party, resulting in the increase of number of suicides among queer teenagers. We have gay celebrities like Jacek Poniedziałek, Michał Piróg, and allies, great allies of the LGBTQ community, like Anja Rubik, who is a top model, you know, fashion model, Beata Kozidrak, this iconic Polish Madonna, let's say, or Taco Hemingway, who is a Polish rapper. You can read about him and the latest issue of New York Times, if I'm not mistaken. So when it comes to equality, Poland, a member state of the EU is closer to Ukraine and Russia than its EU neighbors. And of course, I'm talking about politics. But we do have a lot of books, like Sam the Snail, also translations like I Am Jazz, this picture book about a transgender girl, but what I find particularly interesting is that we don't have books about same sex parenting in Poland at all. And what, yeah, it's quite interesting, because when you compare Poland to other countries, including Ukraine, usually the first queer, let's say, I'm using this term really frivolously, let's say, usually queer themed, usually the first queer themed books are picture books about same sex parents, that's the pattern. When it comes to practically every single country, which has queer themed books, but in Poland, we don't have same sex parenting books. We have books about transgender children, we have books about like, YA novels about gay characters, gay and lesbian characters, of course, and I think that is quite - you know, literature, children's literature, YA literature is really crucial in the development of young people, and representation is fundamental. We all know that. When we compare the, like the number of picture books or just books, children's books in general, depicting children belonging to different ethnicities, the representation, like disparities in the representation are shocking. So most books present white children. Yeah. So there is this discussion about the need to include other types of children. And Poland is a very specific country. I want you to remember about the fact that 96% of Poles are white. Most Poles are culturally Catholic. I'm using this term "culturally Catholic" on purpose, because most Poles do not go to church at all. But being culturally Catholic is a totally different thing. It's all about customs, traditions. And this guilt. I don't go to church. I'm not part of this institution. But you know, cultural Catholicism is stronger. Yeah. So, though I was, okay, I was talking about children's books, and then I started talking about, you know, the church. Okay, so when it comes to the need to include such themes, it's quite similar. There are queer children, queer adolescents in Poland who need to see that they are normal, you know. And such books should appear in the book markets, such books should be published and should become part of the mainstream. And it's not enough to have translation of Love Simon and, you know, American YA novels. I think it's crucial to have local books, including local themes, or references to our local culture. And I think that it's crucial for the development of young people. And I know that I also take, I believe in the power of literacy. But that's what I've heard from a number of students who, throughout the years have told me “When I was growing up all of the books and all of the characters and YA books and children's books were just straight. And I've always thought that I'm weird.” I think that it's amazing that this situation has started to change. That we do have queer books, that we do have books featuring non heteronormative, let's say, elements. And you know, I've already said it, children are the future.

Rebekah:  Absolutely, thank you so much for all of that. I think it's definitely important that the literature reflects local customs and traditions. And I think that every student should have the opportunity to be represented and feel represented, their family or themselves in general within this kind of literature. Because it's crucial to the development of young LGBT students and just other children in general to be exposed to such themes to learn about differences. I think that's incredibly important. But yes, I love the idea that you know, that things are starting to change. That there's, we're moving towards like a state of future. We're trying to incorporate more radical literature into like earlier settings in schools. And so my last question for you all is, what are your hopes for the LGBT communities from where you're coming from? We've mentioned radical changes within literature, talked about astrology, we talked about music. What does that look like for your specific communities?  

Damir:  Well, here's a good candidate, if you allow me this combination of nationalism and LGBT issues. An example of Bosnia, Bosnia is a small place. It used to have three and a half million people, when Yugoslavia parted. Now, I think it has, some people say not even 3 million people. And the thing is such a small place is really, it's really hard to have an authentic agenda for anything, you know, let alone the fact that we are completely politically paralyzed because we still live the consequences of dissolution of Yugoslavia. Because the Constitution of Bosnia is basically a peace agreement, which was signed in 1995. Like a ceasefire peace agreement. We still have that as a constitution, you know. So just to cement the opposing sides in the war, and blah, blah, blah, to stop the war. The problem with that, why am I mentioning that is that it's really hard to promote LGBTQ rights in Bosnia as an authentic need of the local people. And it's so easy, by opposing side nationalist fascists of all kinds from these communities, etc. to give it some kind of: "oh always this sort of guy, those are Americans, Angela Merkel, and Swedes are promoting you know, lesbianism" and that kind of stuff, you know. So that's why I think that's one of the reasons. And of course, the lack of tradition, why we only had Pride last year. And those people who are, who are doing it, activists, are brilliant. They really did a great job. We had a huge Pride, three and a half thousand people without any problems. It was a really beautiful day. And I see that, you know. But I guess and I would love maybe to hear if there's time for Mateusz, about, because Poland is such a big country with a strong culture and just in numbers, also huge country and market and everything. Is it in any way easier for such a big country to promote the need for queer rights as some kind of an authentic need? So you understand what's my problem? You usually have nationalists who are saying, you know, “yeah, but we never had gays around here. We were all straight. It's just when Americans came or whoever came, Germans, that we've gotten queer people.”

Mateusz:  It's similar here, really.

Damir:  I think, in a interesting way to connect nationalism and queer rights.  

Mateusz  Yeah, it's always somebody else's problem when it comes to LGBTQ rights in Poland. I mean, rights, maybe not rights. So once again, the biggest problem in Poland is that we are a monoethnic country. So there are no "enemies," you know. It's quite difficult to find a common enemy. After all, culturally Catholic, all white. Someone has to be blamed for everything. So the last few months our politicians, right wing politicians have decided to use, once again, to use members of the LGBTQ+ community as this enemy of the nation, enemy of the state, say that these are not people. This is just a foreign ideology of the EU trying to destroy Poland, all over the country, trying to destroy Poland. These are not real people There's this Polish Regional Education Authority called Barbara Nowak, who said that after the Coronavirus, we'll get back to normal quickly, but what about the long term effects of gender and the LGBTQ ideology? Coming back to the, to your question Rebekah, I would love my LGBTQ+ students to know that it's okay to be Polish and LGBTQ+. That is okay to be Polish and non-Catholic. That it's okay to be Polish Jewish and gay. That it's okay to be Polish and Black, you know. We have Afro-Poles are also discriminated and so on. But and I think that most of our problems come from the fact that we are so monoethnic. And of course, we know that when it comes to our history, it all changed after World War II. Because before World War II, Poland was not as mono ethnic. Poland has no colonial history, in this traditional, of course, understanding of colonialism. We're not going to dig deeper into local like, Ukrainian Poland, Ukraine, Poland, stuff. But we don't have this, I mean, we Poles don't have this colonial guilt. What I find really problematic is that nationalists, the so-called patriots have decided to claim this one particular vision of being Polish. And there's no place for members of the LGBTQ community and this, you know, Polish label and this particular identity. And in the last few months, young people, mostly young people, young queer people, have rebelled against this notion, you know, maybe not notion, against this vision of Polish-ness. They've been fighting. They've been using, you know, acts of civil disobedience. They've been rebelling against this vision, they are unapologetic, they don't care. They are, they are not here to just, you know, talk. They're here to fight. And let's be honest, you're probably all familiar with the current situation in Poland regarding the abortion rights, of the protests, and so on. The first protests in Poland this year started in August and these were protests initiated by young LGBTQ+ individuals who fought really. And what's happening now, all of the nasty slogans used by protesters are quite similar to the nasty explicit slogans used by of members of the LGBTQ community in August. But back in August, they were criticised for, you know, for using explicit vocabulary for breaking taboos. And now, the mainstream, let's say mainstream protesters, are using their methods. And this, I think, shows us how effective our local LGBTQ+ community can be.

Rebekah:  Yeah, absolutely. That's beautiful. Thank you so much. And I think that it's super important to highlight, you know, the people who are on the ground doing the actual work. And they're the ones out here who are trying to make a difference for themselves and the ones who come after them. How about for you, Gala.

Gala:  I think I've just been - So I want to say that I was thinking this whole time about bubbling of ideology that can create this sort of flattening of human experience. But I think that if one were to apply this idea of the flattening of the human experience, what you know about what you're fighting for, what you're good at, what involves you, what affects you into a general hope, right, for the collective. Like for me, I think if I were to imagine my hope for queer people in the US, it would be the same hope that I have for people in every country, which is that they hold otherness as sacred and they continue to. And I think that when it comes to queer activism, right, like when we see it in action, the people who have made the most difference in a lot of activist spheres pushing against government have been people who have been invested in human otherness as sacred and integral. So if you think about I don't know, like what was happening in Chechnya. And so many activists, like so many Russian activists were from queer activists, were actually creating secret, like were getting people out of Chechnya, and creating like secret lives for them to live in Chechnya. Queer people are constantly in, especially in countries where queerness is criminalized, but also countries where it isn't like the US theoretically, are constantly being placed in this business to choose between this idea of being loved and being part of a nation and being themselves. Right. But ultimately, at least for the US, as an example, like queerness is a part of the national story here. It's a part of the American story, if you think about it. Like there is this idea that people inherit, right? That isn't necessarily true, that if they come here, they can be whatever they want. Right? And so, in some ways, that is like this, like false bat signal, right? Like you get to come here, and you get to be whatever you want in this country, which is inaccurate, because then you could wind up going to a nightclub with all your friends and get shot for being who you are. Right? So there's this idea, then that a lot of people who come with, like what I imagined is a true, I don't know, I don't want to give it value. But I think that queerness, or aligning oneself with queerness has to do with recognizing that it's not something that you inherit from an authority, right. And so I think that if I were to imagine a true optimistic hope it would be that queer people as they are pushed toward action, as they are pushed toward some acts of sovereignty, that they hold otherness as sacred, as opposed to falling into traps of homo-nationalism, where they can serve the nation state, but also whiteness. So queer whiteness against like, people who are anti-racist and against the carceral state.

Rebekah:  Thank you so much for bringing that up. I am absolutely in love with this idea of holding otherness as sacred, you know. Because I think a lot of the issues where we get pinned against one another and trying to blame our issues on this other, there's a fear of the other. And I think that's an issue worldwide. And so if we can come to a point where we can hold otherness as sacred, I think that we can move forward to a more promising future.

[pacifv]

HE MEGA RP PLOTTING SHEET / MEME.

First and foremost, recall that no one is perfect, we all have witnessed some plotting once which did not went too well, be it because of us or our partner. So here have this, which may help for future plotting. It’s a lot! Yes, but perhaps give your partners some insight? Anyway BOLD what fully applies, italicize if only somewhat.

Mun Name: Mik      Age: 26      Contact: IM, discord

Character(s) I rp: Eden ( in bleach ) -- I have other ocs but that’s another story Which muse(s) inspires you the most atm?(for MM): Eden... ? Current Fandom(s): Bleach , so far Fandom(s) you have an AU for:  more fantasy esque ones?  My language(s): spanish , english  Themes I’m interested in for rp:   Fantasy / Science fiction / Horror / Western / Romance / Thriller / Mystery / Dystopia / Adventure / Modern / Erotic / Crime / Mythology / Classic / History / Renaissance / Medieval / Ancient / War / Family / Politics / Religion / School / Adulthood / Childhood / Apocalyptic / Gods / Sport / Music / Science / Fights / Angst / Smut / Drama / etc. Themes/Genres you have an AU for: fantasy , religious

Preferred Thread length: one-liner / 1 para / 2 para / 3+ / novella. Asks can be send by: Mutuals / Non-Mutuals / Personals / Anons. Can Asks be continued?:   YES / NO   only by Mutuals?:  YES / NO. Preferred thread type: crack / casual nothing too deep / serious / deep as heck. Is realism / research important for you in certain themes?:   YES / NO. Are you atm open for new plots?:  YES / NO / DEPENDS. Do you handle your draft / ask - count well?:  YES / NO / SOMEWHAT. How long do you usually take to reply?:  24h / 1 week / 2 weeks / 3+ / months / years. I’m okay with interacting: original characters / a relative of my character (an oc) / duplicates / my fandom / crossovers / multi-muses / self-inserts / people with no AU verse for my fandom / canon-divergent portrayals / au-versions (as main or only verse). Do you post more ic or occ?:  IC / OOC. Are you selective with following others?:  YES / NO / DEPENDS.  

Best ways to approach you for rp/plotting:  IM since this is pretty much new . just slap me with that and if you have some ideas , better --- if not let just brainstorm with what we have in hand . 

What expectations do you hold towards your plotting partner:  some minimal idea of the context and eden’s character . some ideas if possible . more than often I have gotten people straight up jump with no clue of what even is going on in my side character wise . 

When you notice the plotting is rather one-sided, what do you do?:  depends , most likely really stop trying or let it sink . I’m not much of a person who would pressure for ideas when they don’t even come naturally for me in these kind of situations . 

How do you usually plot with others, do you give input or leave most work towards your partner?:  First of all , ask what they particularly want and if they read the bio . and of course , have their bio as well ( if oc or any relevant hc on vague canons ) . I am honestly a bit shy on the input but if I found a ground to start letting my imagination loose ( like , something in common between characters or something that clicks well with my muse ) I can suggest several things . but in any case , I’m pretty passive and it’s a lot of gives and takes . 

When a partner drops the thread, do you wish to know?:   YES / NO / DEPENDS. - And why?: depends on the thread , the time and the interest . things that go downtown in the excitement scale are :/  and I can’t blame anyone for dropping a thread . not all the time you will have muse for them , tho , if it was a relevant thread I would ask at least . - What should your partner do when dropping a thread?:  pretty much free to tell me or not . I’m no one to judge.

What could possibly lead you to drop a thread?:  losing muse , interest , time ... pretty much the same . feeling like my muse is going too OOC for the sake of the other muse or smth .  - Will you tell your partner?:   YES / NO / DEPENDS.

Is communication in the rpc important to you?   YES / NO. - And why?:  I am very old school and having some OOC interaction to at least know how things are going , it’s as much as I can ask here .  - Are you okay with absolute honesty, even if it may means hearing something negative about you and/or portrayal?:  I mean , I should . it can turn me off a bit but it’s just natural ? there’s no way something can be perfect or be of someone’s taste . plus I am not that smart to be fully aware of all the things around the motif and IRL information I use on my muse . I’m no book , buddy. - Do you think you can handle such situation in a mature way?  YES / NO.

Why do you rp again, is there a goal?:  development , exploring the muse , seeing what works and doesn’t work . often new blogs for me are basically prototypes , they are and will  most likely have minor or major modifications as my imagination starts working and getting excited . besides , in the basics , you can hardly manage to cover all ( if anything ) of how one’s muse would react to X situation .

Wishlist, be it plots or scenarios:  a lot of quincy lore , come up with more personal connections with other quincies , fully develop a backstory and a post war scenario . cultural exploration  --- relationships of all kinds . 

Themes I won’t ever rp / explore:  pretty much I am fine with anything as long as we don’t cross the gross line . but I’m not afraid of the dark .

What Type of Starters do you prefer / dislike, can’t work with?: absurdly basic and with no context given . not even have an idea of what is the deal between muses . I can squeeze my brain but there is as much as i can do with little information .

What type of characters catch your interest the most?:  quirky ones , conflictive ones , most likely muses with specific motifs that spark my interest -- deepness . Aesthetically interesting ones . but overall , those who have out of the normal personalities . 

What type of characters catch your interest the least?:  personalities that doesn’t work or do not harmonize with the context of their characters . that’s all I can say .

What are your strong aspects as rp partner?:  I am.... creative ? gdi I did this meme already but it’s hard to reply these two ones. I am easily excitable . if we end up in a ship , expect me to be pampering af . I really enjoy the exploration of relations between people , emotions and psychological stuff tied around it . I do like casual and also very deep things . I’m not afraid of dealing with heavy topics . I like horror ???? also I am very into the secondary character role , as in : my muse is here to help your muse to grow or insight . that stuff . not much of a protagonist role in RPs. 

What are your weak aspects as rp partner?: I’m .... very.... sporadic . My mood is annoying esp when I’m “new” blog around kind of thing . I’m shy , even if I don’t seem so --- I get pretty anxious over details . I am impatient --- with myself . I want to do so many things at the same time I end up overwhelmed . 

Do you rp smut?:  YES / NO. Do you prefer to go into detail?:  YES / NO / DEPENDS. Are you okay with black curtain?:  YES / NO. - When do you rp smut? More out of fun or character development?:  mmmmmmmmm , both. Depends on mood and context tbh . - Anything you would not want to rp there?:  nothing I can think from the top of my head.

Are ships important to you?:   YES / NO. Would you say your blog is ship-focused?:   YES / NO. Do you use read more?:  YES / NO / SOMETIMES. Are you: Multi-Ship / Single-Ship / Dual-Ship  —  Multiverse / Singleverse. - What do you love to explore the most in your ships?:  again , I’m big mood for interpersonal relationships ( romantic or not ) , the pros and cos of certain traits , ideology clash , personality clash , anything that comes in a relation that could make it come and go .  - What is your smut tag?: unholy.

Are you okay with pre-established relationships?: YES / NO. - And what kind of ones?: all are hella okay for me . pre- est is my jam bc jesus christ the awkward first encounters make me go blue screen .

► SECTION ABOUT YOUR MUSE.

- What could possibly make your Muse interesting towards others, why should they rp with this particular character of yours now, what possible plots do they offer?:  the fact she is basically a “religious fanatic” , with a quirky personality and a questionable morality , considering she has an inner conflict between the wellness of her race and her loyalty towards yhwach . At least pre war . post war , she has a flipped personality were she is mostly bitter and more angsty but will go from fanatic to straight up hater . 

- With what type of Muses do you usually struggle to rp with?:   bland personalities ? not sure myself , Eden is pretty much ready for anything since her personality is pretty laid back . I guess I would say shinigamis in general --- since she basically is stuck inside Silbern . - With what type of Muses do they usually work well with?:  Quincies , ofc . and people who are willing to put up with her crap .

- What interests your Muse(s) in general:  the prosperity of the quincy , doing a proper duty , order , tea , annoying the fuck out of people . being eerie ....  - What do they desire, is their goal?:  the ideal world as thought by Yhwach --- later on simply for her kind to survive after losing the war and being left to their luck . - What catches their interest first when meeting someone new?:  mmm , appearance  and reactions to her witty or narcisistic comments .  - What do they value in a person?:    loyalty , uniqueness . - What themes do they like talking about?:  most likely about the order of the army , tea stuff , herself (?) , but she is also a lot for debates and insight . - Which themes bore them?:  rebellious , silly thoughts . justice related topics . anything that critics her loyalty/life style . 

- Did they ever went through something traumatic?:  the first war was enough ? most likely losing comrades --- yhwach sacrificing the quincy for power later on .  - What could possibly trigger them?:  the simple sight of anyone laying a finger of the quincy for being against their views .   - What could set them off, enrage them?:  nothing. she cannot literally , physically get angry or enraged . but if we are talking bitter , that would be completely post war and it’s just the mention of yhwach’s name or those who went to god’s palace with him .  - What could lead to an instant kill?:  invasion of silbern , chaos . 

- Is there someone /-thing they hate?:  chaos , rebels , shinigami , anyone against the quincy . - Is there someone /-thing they love?:   her race , her pride , herself .

Is your Muse easy to approach?: YES / NO. - Best ways to approach them?:  just .... come to her and say hi . she is literally wandering around silbern all the time ( quincy speaking tho ) . for others , eh ... good luck . and wait post war (?) - Where are they usually to find?:  Silbern ... then Siberia . 

Something you may still want to point out about your muse?:  She is no saint , clearly . She has a questionable sense of things like loyalty and preservation of her race . she is honestly all over the place

CONGRATS!!! You managed it, now tag your mutuals! ♥

Tagged by:  honestly stole from @skyvar​  Tagging:  no one in particular.

[casbooks]

Book Review: Under the Big Black Sun

I grew up constantly bouncing between the San Fernando Valley and Orange County in SoCal during the 80s and 90s at a time when punk, post punk, and new wave were deeply entrenched in the landscape thanks to the efforts of DJ Rodney Bingenheimer and KROQ. It was a time of change, with Alternative and Grunge coming onto the scene with Nirvana and Sonic Youth, but at the same time bands like X were held in a state of godlike reference. 

This was before the internet, before spotify, before even cds! I would bum rides from anyone and everyone to go to all ages shows, even managing to convince a friends older brother to take us all the way up to Gilman st in the bay area!

But the thing is... there was another story ... a story about the scene before my experiences... the scene in the late 70s and early 80s where anything went, where art, and music, and style all merged and began. I’d heard people talk about those days, the days of the Masque club and Brendan Mullen, and the Canterbury Apartments... I was lucky enough to go to the Hong Kong Cafe a few times when it reopened in the 90s, and I heard tales of how it USED to be and we all watched The Decline of Western Civilization (on vhs!) which had been shot there! 

I had bootlegs and tapes from bands that no longer existed, stuff from the Germs, The Screamers, and The Minutemen. I knew D.Boon was from Pedro and that he was dead, but that was all I knew... and yet I fucking LOVED their songs. 

So when I grabbed this book, I sat down to read it hoping to find an enjoyable overview of who was who and what was what. Instead what I found was a history book, an academic primary source of how the LA Punk scene was, how it began, who the major players were, and how it changed over time thanks to the influx of violent OC punks and heroin.

Instead of a single author, you have differing experiences and viewpoints from the people who were there. People like John Doe and Exene Cervenka from X, Jane Wiedlin from the Go-Gos, Pleasant Gehman, El Vez, Henry Rollins, Mike Watt, and more. 

Some chapters are better than others, Mike Watt’s is an homage to D.Boon in the most loving way, as well as a history of the scene from their San Pedro perspective. Jane Wiedlin’s chapter is probably the best written and most informative. Together with Charlotte Caffery, you get a real experience of what that time was like and how things all happened from the drugs, to the fashion, to just who was who. Jack Grisham’s chapter, in contrast is barely worth inclusion, and I’m saying that as someone who really does love a lot of T.S.O.L songs... he’s just a big piece of shit. Dave Alvin digs into Cowpunk and the Blasters experiences playing with bands like Black Flag which is really good, but I was disappointed in Henry Rollins addition to the book. I’ve heard him speak, and read his words elsewhere and expected a lot more. 

If you have any interest in the bands, the music, the scene, or in Los Angeles culture at all, you’ll love this book, hands down. It’s the only book on the topic that really captures the geographical divides that exist here, and that punk overcame. Where you had bands from Chula Vista/San Diego, San Pedro, Hollywood, the Valley, the beach cities, as well as East L.A’s unique chicano/latino contributions to early punk. 

The thing you hear over and over is how art and inclusion of all sorts of outcasts is how it began, but then it became corporate and overrun by violence and anger and exclusion. How women were a major force in the beginning, and how they became excluded and pushed out later. 

This was not my generation... I came after.... but it is because of all of these people, the music they made, the clothes and style they created, and all that they did in a fuel of alcohol and drugs that laid the foundation for what I was able to experience. This is their history, this is their story, this is what happened from their own mouths. Too many of their friends and bandmates are dead, but they lived and thanks to this book, we have their stories. 

5 out of 5 stars

===========

Title: Under the Big Black Sun

Authors: John Doe

ISBN: 9780306824098

Tags: Agent Orange (band), Alice Bag (musician), Alley Cats (band), Art, Avengers (band), Belinda Carlisle (musician), Bill Bateman, Billy Joe Armstrong (musician), Billy Zoom (musician), Black Flag (band), Black Randy and the Metro Squad(band), Blondie (Band), Bomp! Records, Brendan Mullen, Charlotte Caffey (musician), Chris Desjardins (musician), Chris Morris, Circle Jerks (band), Circus (Magazine), Claude Bessy (musician), Club 88, Crass (band), Creem (Magazine), Dangerhouse Records, Darby Crash (musician), Dead Kennedys (band), Dennes D. Boon (musician), Devo (band), DJ Bonebrake (musician), Dwight Yoakam (musician), Exene Cervenka (musician), Farrah Fawcett Minor (musician), Fear (band), Glitter Rock, Green Day (band), Greg Ginn (musician), Hal Negro and the Satin Tones (band), Hellin Killer (musician), Henry Rollins (musician), Hong Kong Cafe, Iggy Pop (musician), Jack Grisham (musician), Jane Wiedlin (musician), Jeffery Lee Pierce (Ranking Jeffery Lee) (musician), Jenny lens, Joan Jett (musician), John Belushi, John Doe (musician), K.K Barrett (musician), Kickboy Face (musician), Kid Congo Power (musician), KROQ, Lee Ving (musician), Lorna Doom (musician), Los Angeles, Los Illegals (band), Los Lobos (band), Matt Watt (musician), Max's Kansas City, Minutemen (band), Music, New York Dolls (band), Odd Squad (band), Orpheum Theater, Pat Smear (musician), Photography, Pleasant Gehman (musician), Punk Rock, Regan Youth (band), Rhino Records, Rik L Rik (musician), Roberto Lopez (El Vez) (musician), Rockabilly, Rodney Bingenheimer, Rolling Stone (Magazine), Ruby Records, Saccharine Trust (band), Self Help Graphics and Art, Sex Pistols (band), Slash (Magazine), Slash (records), SST Records, Stardust Ballroom, Stiff Records, Suburban Lawns (band), T.S.O.L (band), Teresa Covarrubias (musician), The Bags (band), The Blasters (band), The Brat (band), The Canterbury Apartments, The Clash (band), The Controllers (band), The Cramps (band), The Damned (band), The Deadbeats (band), The Dickies (band), The Dils (band), The Elks Lodge, The Eyes (band), The Flesh Eaters (band), The Germs (band), The Go-Go's (band), The Gun Club (band), The Masque, The Plugz (band), The Ramones (band), The Runaways (band), The Screamers (band), The Stains (band), The Starwood, The Stooges (band), The Subhumans (band), The Vex Club, The Weirdos (band), The Zeros (band), Tito Larriva (musician), Tom DeSavia, Tomata du Plenty (musician), Trudie Arguelles (musician), Upsetter Records, Velvet Underground (band), Whiskey A Go Go, Wilton Hilton (musician), X (band), Zero Zero Club

Subject: Books.General Non-Fiction.Music.Punk

Description: Under the Big Black Sun explores the nascent Los Angeles punk rock movement and its evolution to hardcore punk as it's never been told before. Authors John Doe and Tom DeSavia have woven together an enthralling story of the legendary West Coast scene from 1977 to 1982 by enlisting the voices of people who were there. The book shares chapter-length tales from the authors along with personal essays from famous (and infamous) players in the scene. Additional authors include: Exene Cervenka (X), Henry Rollins (Black Flag), Mike Watt (The Minutemen), Jane Wiedlin and Charlotte Caffey (The Go-Go's), Dave Alvin (The Blasters), Chris D. (Flesh Eaters), Jack Grisham (T.S.O.L.), Teresa Covarrubias (The Brat), and Robert Lopez (The Zeros, El Vez) as well as scenesters and journalists Pleasant Gehman, Kristine McKenna, and Chris Morris. Through interstitial commentary, John Doe "narrates" this journey through the land of film noir sunshine, Hollywood back alleys, and suburban sprawl - the place where he met his artistic counterparts, Exene, DJ Bonebrake, and Billy Zoom - and formed X, the band that became synonymous with and in many ways defined L.A. punk. Under the Big Black Sun shares stories of friendship and love, ambition and feuds, grandiose dreams and cultural rage, all combined with the tattered, glossy sheen of pop culture weirdness that epitomized the operations of Hollywood's underbelly. Listeners will travel to the clubs that defined the scene as well as to the street corners, empty lots, apartment complexes, and squats that served as de facto salons for the musicians, artists, and fringe players that hashed out what would become punk rock in Los Angeles. 

[yeswevegotavideo]

Hi, my name’s (basically) Mercury

So @thegrandwilde​ asked me a question about my internet name, and I realized I’ve never actually explained the entire story of my name in context. Then I realized that, with context, it was an extremely long story, so I thought, “Why not make a whole post about it?” 

It is a long post. I don’t know if it’s an interesting post. It’s interesting to me, at any rate.

If you’re curious, or if you have any interest in etymology, especially the etymology of names, and of the reasons people name themselves, then read on, because I’m about to give a comprehensive account of why I’ve been Mercury on the internet for so long that, for quite a while now, I’ve honestly thought of it as my “real” name in a lot of ways.

So, I was a goth in 8th grade, a grunge-goth really. I was in 8th grade in '95/'96 so like...I basically didn't have a choice in being FUCKING OBSESSED with  grunge and alternative rock in general. And I was really into Courtney Love’s whole aesthetic at the time, so I sometimes did your standard, Riot Grrrl-style babydoll dresses with combat boots look, but also like, cut the hem off of my black hamper bag and wore it over a black slip and called it a skirt because fuck you, society, that’s why.

But the main reason I was a goth in 8th grade, is because in 8th grade, I had an enormous crush on Tara.

Tara was a goth girl who made friends with me just before summer break between 7th & 8th grade. We spent the summer hanging out, and she was kind, and friendly, and beautiful, and very protective of her friends (and especially of me) and within a month, I had a gargantuan crush on her. 

I had known I was bi since I was 11, when I basically came out to my mom (who, despite being kinda’ the worst in a lot of ways, was extremely liberal, and very accepting of my and my brother’s queerness, and of the gay community as a whole. Seriously, my mom was so liberal that my form of teenage political rebellion was being a centrist. God I’m glad I grew out of that shit. Anyway). But Western culture being what it was/is, I had little-to-no understanding of how to talk to, flirt with, or otherwise romantically interact with, girls I liked. That had not changed by 8th grade (honestly, in the ways that count, it has not changed, period). So I spent all of 8th grade pining over Tara, and Tara was the de-facto leader of the rocker girl clique (in the Sacramento suburbs in the 90s, you were either a “rocker” or a “rapper", and rockers did not associate with rappers and vice-versa, because the capital of California, one of the most (and for a few years running, THE most) diverse and integrated cities in the United States, was, and is, a racist, conservative hellscape, and I had way too much internalized racism to even look at rap music so...), and I was in her favor and under her protection. (Looking back, I’m fairly sure Tara had a crush on me too, so it really was your standard wlw standing around confusedly pining for each other in silence sort of situation.)

Which is why, when I came to school after missing a day, and she informed me that, “we all picked nicknames yesterday and there’s only two left, you can either be Mercury or Star,” I was not offended by her providing me with a list of approved nicknames that had been essentially picked clean already. I was, in fact, rather honored that I got to be one of the people who got a nickname at all. I associated Star with the character from the movie The Lost Boys, who I (rather misogynistically, I think now) found to be incredibly irritating.

So I chose Mercury.

That’s not the end of the story. That’s the beginning of the story. So like, buckle up lol.

So to rewind a bit, in 7th grade, I discovered Paganism. 

I was ostensibly raised atheist, but with an understanding that my spiritual beliefs were my own goddamn business and my parents weren’t going to make that kind of a decision for me (again, SUPER LIBERAL parents. To be clear, also SUPER ABUSIVE parents, but like, SUPER LIBERAL about it. Which like, growing up being taught that emotional expression is valid and anti-authoritarianism is cool, but also being punished for being a person with independent thoughts and emotions is...a whole other story. ANYWAY). 

I tried on Christianity for like, half a second, went to church with friends a couple of times, and 7-8 year old me was immediately like, “this is fuckin’ stupid, why did God kill Jesus, he’s God, he’s fucking omnipotent, he could just choose to forgive everybody at like, any time, nobody had to die, what a dick” and decided it wasn’t for me.

But I feel an inherent need for spirituality in-general, a kinship to it. When I played in the mud as a child, I was 100% one of the little girls mixing mud & grass & mint leaves with hose water and “making potions”. For hours.

And when I met a girl in 7th grade whose entire family was Wiccan, I was fascinated. So, it being 1994, I picked up a couple Silver Ravenwolf books and some Scott Cunningham and got to studying. (I know. I KNOW!!! I was 12, there was barely an Internet, it’s hyper-cringy, I get it, don’t judge me.)

The Wiccanism didn’t stick, but the Paganism sure did. (My “official” spiritual descriptor is, “Eclectic, non-denominational kitchen witch”. I worship no gods, but am happy to work with those who don’t require sustained devotion, and I’m pretty into fae lore. There’s also a bunch of personal spiritual belief stuff involving conceptual quantum and molecular physics, like, String Theory and the Multiverse Theory, and anthropological concepts about the power of language and story in human development involved, too. And I’m also very much a skeptic, it’s complicated. “I am vast. I contain multitudes.") 

And around Freshman year, while still figuring stuff out, I came upon the concept of having a magickal name. A secret name that one shares only with the gods or spirits when doing magickal work. And I already had Mercury, a name which was granted and then almost immediately forgotten, because we were 13 and had no fucking attention spans, and Tara moved away, and most of us didn’t even talk to each other anymore and...the name was, therefore, kinda’ perfect.

So I chose it for my ritual work. And then I noticed some weird coincidences. Like, I had a pagan calendar that listed stuff like moon phases and planetary motion, and it associated different planets with different days of the week. And the planet Mercury was associated with Wednesday, which has been my favorite day of the week for most of my life (oh wait, do you...not have a favorite day of the week? Is that just me? Anyway). And when I was in maybe 5th grade, I read this book that was pretty stupid and I didn’t even really enjoy, and I don’t even remember the title of, but it repeatedly used a symbol for “the mark of the devil” in its dumb ghost mystery or whatever, and as much as I disliked the book, I was instantly attracted to the symbol. It looked like this: ☿ I would draw it on things all the time, it was one of my go-to doodles. Guess what the alchemical symbol for Mercury turned out to be?  

So in 1999, when I got a computer that came with an Earthlink subscription, and I was really, truly introduced to the Internet for the first time (and not just like, AOL), there was really only one online handle I could see myself using. After all, I was anonymous, it wasn’t “really” telling people my magickal name if they didn’t know who I was, right? (And honestly, by that point I’d kind-of left that concept behind.) So I used Mercury. And whenever that was already taken, I’d use a combination of those nickname choices from 8th grade: Mercury Star, or Mercurystar. And that eventually evolved into Mercury Starlight. And that’s me! :D

It became my fanfic pseudonym (like almost immediately, because I discovered fanfic in the year 2000 and never looked back), and then on message boards or in forums, people would just, like, call me that. And over time, I really started to like it.

I’ve never liked or felt particularly connected to my given, IRL name. And I actually have a bunch of identity and dissociation issues tied up in it (whole other story, yet again), so like, sometimes hearing people use it makes me really fucking uncomfortable. Like, that’s not really a strong enough word for it. Like, I’ve honestly sometimes wondered if name dysphoria is a thing, like similar to gender dysphoria but like, for your name. I mean, though we most frequently associate the two, dysphoria isn’t actually unique to gender identity. It’s a somewhat generic psychological concept, actually. And names are pretty innately tied to identity and sense of self, and having a name that feels so incongruous with who I am that sometimes when people use it I literally feel physically ill, or depressed, or panicky, or get like, instantly turned off if somebody uses it during sex, like...honestly, that certainly sounds like a type of dysphoria to me. I don’t know.

But every single time somebody online calls me Mercury, I just...I absolutely love it. I light up. I feel seen. It’s...it’s just my fucking name, now, man.

Buuut, I don’t really have the guts to legally change it IRL. Not yet, anyway. We’ll see what the future holds. I don’t know, I think about even just casually asking friends to call me Mercury and just...cringe right the fuck up. It’s scary. What if people think it’s stupid? That I’m being silly? Lose respect for me? I know people change their names all the time, but like, that’s them. But for me? Scaaaary.

Anyway, that’s the story, and if you made it all the way to the end, like, thank you for listening?

[theotherbackgrounder]

Peni Parker - Thoughts (part 1)

I thought I could bring my thoughts to the table about the,VERY VERY, minority talking about Peni Parker. Now don’t get me wrong, it isn’t a vocal minority. I mean it is so so small that I had to literally go out and find these types of things and even then I only came across two posts, one on Tumblr and one on twitter (and Twitter was brought up to me). That out of the way let’s begin.

Note, a little bit about me: I have face blindness, one of the few things I have issues is I have a hard time registering people’s faces, this even includes a person’s race. I consume a lot of different japanese media, my favorites are Tokusatsu, J-Horror, and Manga. My taste in manga/anime I feel is versitile enough that I can like different types of genres (ie. ranging from Shounen to the more down to earth type of manga and “less exaggerated.) And I’m still the one guy that is trying to figure out how “Piccolo is the black guy,” so that tells you my standings on the subject

First one:

I read one post about Peni being a “stereotype of a japanese person with a giant robot.” Now I’m not going to get into the whole behind the scenes of this one (that’s thoughts for a more private discussion). Personally I can’t really see this one as a stereotype as for two major reasons. 

1) A stereotype usually has some negative connotation attached to it. When people focus on stereotypes we focuse on can’t, won’t, will not, etc. It’s human nature we focus on the negative aspects of these things when we talk about stuff like stereotypes, prejudice, and all the -isms out there. And I’ll say this as a personal biased, when have we ever perceived giant robots as something “negative.” Remember, Robots are the most fucking raddest thing we have created. Anybody that likes robots will perceieve them as amazing, anybody that don’t will just ignore it, the two lines don’t really meet with their perception. It’s really hard to see that anyone has a negative connotation about giant robots to really fit the idea of stereotyping. It’s really more of a cliche along the line of the “black guy is the nerd” that seems to around alot, and I haven’t seen many people call that a stereotype (maybe they do, I don’t know, I don’t tend to care much for those shows)

First point was a biased perspective from me, let’s get to the 2 bullet.

2) A stereotype tends to be a detail about a minority that has been exaggerated to the populace to think as the majority rule (I’m sure there are some black people that have dyslexia). If it was a 100% fact that these “stereotypes” existed in everyone of those people, well then it couldn’t be a stereotype by definition but just fact.

So looking at this supposed “japanese person with a giant robot” stereotype, is it true. For this we have to look at the giant robot genre. The giant robot genre is vast, let’s remove shows that are japanese created (Gundamn) or Japanese related (Voltron and Power Rangers since these come from a japanese property of Golion and Sentai) as these are aimed at a Japanese demographic, so them having a japanese protagonist makes sense. So after all that we are left with...what? Not even 5% of the genre? so this is saying that 93% of the giant mecha genre will more than likely have a japanese protagonist because of the show being for a japanese audience. Judging by the minor detail from before this fits more of a majority rule thing. Okay. So in the robot genre it isn’t a stereotype, Giant robots are just really popular in japan it seems.

But that was an unfair point I hear. The populace of japan when it comes to non-asians is very minor so of course it would have a japanese character, or at least someone that is asian (I say this as there are shows like Kyoryuger Brave with a korean class, it is a Korean show but it is a spin-off to the japanese show of Kyoryuger and was dubbed in Japan). So let’s focus on the 5 percent.

What do we have to show? Big Hero 6, pacific Rim (1 and 2), iron giant, Megas XLR, New Gen, Sp//DR (aka Peni), Symbiotic Titan. I’m sure that there are other western made programs, but for the sake we will use the ones most people know of. (didn’t include Transformers since it’s a western show that came from toys in japan)

Now lets do a race check, we will do main characters only. Now reminder, I’m face blind, if these characters are different races than what I put, please let me know.

White: Megas XLR, Iron Giant, Pacific Rim

Black: Pacific Rim 2

Asian: New Gen, Big Hero 6, Sp//dr

Symbionic Titan, going by their human forms, are 2/3 Japanese (lance and Llana) and 1/3 (Octus). Don’t know how you want to add that. 1 point to both Asian and White? or just 1 point to asian since 2/3 and that Octus is kind of minor side character while the other two are more mains?.

Not including pacific rim 2 (As it is a sequel to pacific rim) asians being the main is 50/50, or they take the league depending on how you  including ST on the list.It still doesn’t fit the minority rule that stereotyping tends to come from.

looking over the shows now the only way I can really see it being a stereotype is that the recent ones are the ones with the asian lead. And in out current culture climate in the US I could see that as an issue. I don’t watch many cartoons nowadays but i’m assuming that ones with an asian lead are Big Hero 6, New Gen, and Sp//dr. and again in our climate of representation that could be seen as dangerous. Which doesn’t really seem to be the robot genre’s fault, just more in fault with US tv programming in general. 

It makes sense as again from how stereotypes spring from a minor detail on a subject that is exaggerated and perceived with a negative perspective. And only a couple of people (you can’t make everyone happy rule) really only sees it  as an issue. 

I got bored with this post halfway through. If you want me to bring up the other comment I found about Peni Parker just let me know. in case you wonder it’s about the whole “moe blob” part of Movie Peni’s attitude

I feel like this entire subject is something I have to fly out to Japan and ask random people about their perception on this.

[dancinginmydressinthesun]

3 for the unusualish asks💞

Oh I will girl ( you should have NOT give me that number right after the bold type season finale)

I cannot rant about Taylor bc everythings good and I’m living for that so lets just go with my favourite show and how fucked up everything is, I am usually not someone who voices their opinion too much especially on here bc thats just not the type of person I am but anyway 

The Bold Type has been my favourite tv show and if you have never seen it I still recommend you do bc overall its still a damn good show dont get me wrong if it does not seem like that (there are several reasons to watch it and I want it to become more popular so pls do)

Well, I started watching it right at the beginning, June/July last year when the first episode aired and BOI it blew me away, like, i did not expect anything major BUT lemme just say it destroys every other show its just that good (I love the girls it focuses on individually and together, the boss is full perfection, the main ship (a bi girl of colour and a proud muslim lesbian) was breathtaking, the storylines were on point and emotional and it just idk maybe they set the bars too high)

So the second season started airing beginnign of june and you know, I WAS worried before that they could not keep up but I had SO MUCH faith (but it also seems like the writers were kind of replaced and man that shows) the first few episodes were fire alright which is even worse bc i had lost all my worries and knew I was gonna be fed the whole season but little did I know …

You know I really hate complaining too much about something about a tv show that is there to enjoy and make me happy so I’ll stop thinking about it after this post but I do get the frustration so much (but death threats and bashing the whole show is not helpful whoops I said it) 

Just a few short notes on things that anger me a little (I’m probably forgetting thigns but anyway):

1. Jane (she is one of the three main girls) I really like(d) Jane a lot and I feel like I can identify with her, we are very much alike in many ways and this especially showed in season 1. I dont “hate” her at all after this season, not even dislike her, but she they used her for almost all (?) the controversial topics as the one who makes rude and subtle offensive comments, which is not bad in itself bc she learned from it mostly all the time and apologizes but it was just too often and much for me. in the first season Jane seemed at least trying to be more understanding even when she could not really and she was relatable with her concerns and her feelings and this was not really the case for me this season. I felt like she did not own up enough for some mistakes and it did not give me this tbt feeling of happiness and goodness and wholesomeness I had after every damn episode last season????

2. Screen Time (Jacqueline/Alex/Adena) You could probably talk about everyone of them in detail now but I dont have the energy - let me just say Adena and Jacqueline are my favourite characters so maybe I am biased and I know that this whole post need to be edited probably after I rewatch the season bc I can easier give feedback when everything is fresh in my mind but you know, all we fans wanted was to have backstorys (and bc he didnt really get one either this probably applies to Oliver too) not even much, just maybe like the episode in season 1 when we got to learn more about Jacquelines family and her past in general (still crying), it was so well-written bc it was not just something thrown in there but integrated in the storyline, it had purpose, it was emotional, it gave insight into her character and I honestly saw her with different eyes after that (and loved her even more), now those 3 or 4 just are really pushed to the sides. You dont see Adena without Kat really or talking about her character without it being about her sexuality and Kat (oh hey a gay one complaining about that??  yes bc even tho I answer I am gay after someone asks me “how are you” theres more to a person and especially to someone as interesting as Adena. I love hearing non heteros talk about their love life and everything surrounding it but at least then let Adena talk about how her coming out was, what she finds interesting in other women, if she ever struggled with it (i know they tried to cover some things but naah idk i just expected more) or just talk about something else, let us see her going to the movies with friends, a childhood throwback when she was in art class, let her talk about what she likes about some types of art. AND HER WHOLE CULTURE? I am a white western woman and I never see muslim representation on tv and I feel like still havent? i forgot at some point?! there are so many non-white people watching it hoping to be represented and ofc you cannot please everyone but now it just feels like Adena is just a proud lesbian you know. And Alex? what who was that again?

3. the storylines - sooo first of all, I liked the storylines more than most people probably from what I have seen on the tag. I think some of them were hard to put in just one episode and try to talk about everything important and still have  show going on, which is why it did not work all the time  have less storylines but make them work would be better. I really did appreciate that they tried to have a lot of stuff covered and they tried to put different points in there but there were a lot of het relationship and other drama stuff to be shown so the storys were often pushed too hard to the sides. this I say having the gun episode in mind the most i felt really unsatisfied after it and I was really looking forward to it bc i think its important and brave for them to talk about it (anyway watch one day at a time, the episode on the same matter is pure gold) . idk its alright its not the same feeling its less spectacular but I’ll stop whining about that now.

4. KADENA - I’ll try to be objective here , i do get that you cannot have a happy relationship without anything going on for 10 episodes (ok you can I would love that but maybe its less wise when it comes to viewers idk?? i stan unpopular shows so who am I to know) BUT come on, not like this?? they started of as PERFECT alright and then it all went downhill, you know cheating and stuff idk, I am not happy with it, could be more original, could be less meh but whatever I was like “ ok I’lll roll with it maybe its gonna bring a new light in this, let them grow, let them learn” but man idk. it was all a mess and once they made up and everything was fine (after 3 epsiodes of pure stress for my weak heart) after 5 minutes there was something new? almost any interaction was either them arguing or making up. I liekd their conversations mostly I really did but I was tired of drama all the time, after this season I’ll just say it: If they want to continue it like that until the end of season 3 I’d rather have them not together anymore. its no fun, its stress for them and even more for me and it would not seem realistic when they make them endgame at the very last minute (which I assume they will bc they promote it like that) without using multiple episodes and time passing to really let them grow in the relationship, without that it would just feel like one day after the finale of season 3 they would have somethng else coming up to fuck them up again. I was really baffled with the finale bc I WAS NOT expecting that they really wouldnt resolve it at all let us suffer like this (I remember that Nikohl i think said that it would be like that but someone else also said recently that it really feels like a finale and that the fans would feel assured but excited for the next season but excuse me? tbt fans who are happy about that end are great. would love to meet one one day. but where they at?? suttard fans all 3 of you I am happy for you honestly. and for sutton. richard idc. i am bitter tho. 

I STILL HAVE SO MUCH HOPE FOR SEASON 3 (pls let the old writers come back, listen to the fans, there are not too many instead of trying to make it more appealing to the general public what about pleasing us again with friendship, gayness, depth and happiness?)

(& remember: I.love.this.show. i do. I would recommend it even when there would only be season 2. but it would not be my fave anymore. its like as if taylor would have the same albums with the same music, same career, same backstory BUT her not really caring about her fans. I would still love her as an artist so freaking much. but would I jump off building for her?? naah maybe if there were a balcony and a pool who knows 

Thanks for coming to my TED talk 

[ithisatanytime]

  World record longest rant about jews

The differences between the genders and races make everyone uncomfortable to talk about (including myself) but they must be discussed. the people teaching you that there are no differences between the races and genders one hundred percent know that there are differences and what precisely those differences are and how to use that knowledge to shape society with the aim of causing the most damage to you and me as is possible. i know how that sounds, but its true. it starts simply enough when you hear \ some dipshit psychology professor telling you there are no biological differences between races or behavioral differences between men and women, this is so blatantly, and provably false that no one actually believes this, not even the professor xerself. at that point you might ask yourself why? this is where most people fuck up, they assume its to spare the feelings of black people or women, or transgender people, and they stop there, they dont examine whether or not thats where the motivation is coming from, if they did they would immediately realize its fucking absurd, saying that gender is a state of mind hurts a LOT of peoples feelings very badly, a lot of women dont want to change in front of a biological male or use the bathroom with one but they cannot say so in todays environment. fully half the country is christian and likely offended by this notion, why cater to such an unbelievably small portion of the populations feelings while hurting the majorities feelings?  at this point you should ask where and when did these concepts emerge in america? and then you get your answer, jews. did you know that the first EVER gender re-assignment surgery was performed in germany right before the nazis rose to power? that there were books authored by jews all about transgender theory being published in the “german institute of sexology” (its real look it up), how did the german people go from being so very progressive, to literal actual nazis in the span of a few years? the answer is the german people hated all this shit, they saw little boys prostituting themselves in the city centers, medical horrors they had never dreamed possible, runaway inflation that rendered every german poor, all under the watchful eye of the jewish bolsheviks who OVERTHREW the german government and took over, the german revolution of 1919 and the birth of the weimar era, squeezed right in between world war 1 and world war 2. but apparently not worth talking about in history class. theres no way ALL THAT BULLSHIT was somehow causative for world war 2 right? i mean there’s just no way.

   The jews fled to america, opened “The Frankfurt school” which was just jews handing their fellow jews masters degrees in the social sciences for a year a SINGLE YEAR of easy coursework. when one got hired onto a powerful board, like the board of psychology, he brought all of his friends in too. the rest is history, we are living in the second incarnation of the weimar era. you may be skeptical (you would be stupid not to be) but i am not just making assertions, there exists plenty of historical sources but they just didnt play this version tv or teach it in schools, because they fucking own both of those things. as far as the postwar frankfurt school stuff all that and more can be found in “the Culture of Critique” with more fucking citations than you could spin a dreidel on. in Culture of Critique the author kevin macdonal who was a psychology professor at the university of california for nine years and had already published two other widely cited books on judaism, shows how judaism is a group evolutionary strategy jews developed in diaspora (the two thousand years where they didnt steal their own country yet so they lived in other peoples) and that their evolutionary strategy is often VERY harmful to whatever people are unfortunate enough to be hosting them. seriously the book blows the whole fucking thing wide open, and every single point he makes is supported with dozens of examples and those examples are all sourced from mainstream JEWISH literature. they figured out early on that they have to control public opinion to thrive in other peoples countries (while taking advantage of them)  they had thousands of years of trial and error to develop this (google “list of jewish expulsions” there are HUNDREDS) strategy and each time they were expelled from a country they tweaked the strategy a bit, its part cultural part instinctual, many of them have no idea they are even doing it! they took over the social sciences and academia in general, and they took over our mass media, from these powerful positions they shaped all of your deeply held values! so what im gonna say next will piss you off, because thats how TV raised you, and if you didnt watch tv your peers did or your parents, but they taught you that up was down, black is white, everything is an opinion except when its not!

 There are measurable average differences in behavior and intelligence between both the genders and the races and no fucking shit there are, we all evolved with wildly different selection pressures! they did this in order to convince america to change its racial demographic make up and to push multiculturalism and diversity, why would they do that? because they can only thrive in multicultural societies. they look white, but they behave like jews, and as such they would stand out in an all white (or even majority white) or brown or black country, theyd be the odd man out and get caught with their hand in the cookie jar and evicted. they push the gender stuff to weaken our communities so they can outcompete us, its survival of the fittest and jewish people are one animal and everyone else is another. seriously we can measure the impact of “feminism” which was supposed to liberate women, we can measure the impact in tears, suicides, broken homes, poverty, the complete collapse of the family structure etc. women are LESS HAPPY NOW AND WE HAVE PROOF! there was at least one major study where tens of thousands of women rated their own happiness day by day over years and generations and the result might shock you, women are miserable. and even though YOU are miserable you would never agree with the data because you believe i want to take something from you. the only thing i want to take from women is the absurd expectation that they should be men, and compete with men, and derive satisfaction from the things that satisfy men. maybe one in one hundred women would be more satisfied as an aging CEO living alone with a cat, but ninety out of a hundred women will say that would satisfy them, but they wont even get that, instead they are subservient to their employer, their fucking MASTER. essentially what they did was study our psychology, and then use it to completely fuck up our mating rituals and it shows, white birth rates are WAYYYY DOWN, they arent even breeding fast enough to replace their DEATHS, in other words they are disappearing while simultaneously being replaced by non white immigrants who out breed them ten to one, not just in america but in every white western nation in the world SIMULTANEOUSLY. oh and you can just go see for yourself what groups specifically are funding these efforts, and guess what nearly ALL of them have the word jewish or israel somewhere right in the fucking name.

  you were told that our gender roles and traditions were designed by the patriarchy to control you, that is FUCKING RETARDED, nearly every culture that has ever existed (there are always exceptions) has similar gender roles for men and women, and do you know why? because its evolution baby! if you were a tribe back then and you decided fuck it, women are in charge of handling war now, men stay home with the kids, what exactly do you think happened to that tribe? traditions EVOLVE, gender roles exist because THEY FUCKING WORK, if something worked better some tribe somewhere would have adopted that and owned all of our fucking asses and wed be living in a matriarchy.

  The social “sciences” pay lip service to evolution but god as my witness they deny evolution more than the staunchest fundamentalist christian. the social sciences arent sciences at all in fact they are staging grounds for a venomous ideology that was designed to hurt you and it WORKED. 

[texanpeanut]

Why Am I Here?

I think a lot. Probably too much by some standards, which is one of the reasons I wanted to join the Peace Corps. Once upon a time I believed if I made it to this position I would be forced to think less and do more. However, over the past six months I’ve experienced the opposite. Without mind-numbing mental distractions like Instagram and Facebook readily available while I’m in my rural site, and with the heat-forced downtime that occurs between noon and five p.m., I find myself thinking all the time. Not just in a hazy, half-aware state, but actively considering a handful of topics over and over again trying to find some satisfying conclusion that may or may not exist. So I’m not sure if the amount I think has changed since coming here, but perhaps the way I do has. Maybe now it’s more focused, more linear, less wiggly and sporadic. Maybe it’s more dense and easier to hold in my hand, like pudding versus water. Maybe it hasn’t changed at all and I’m just making it all up. 

One topic currently seems to have a more substantial presence in my mind than the others, though. Sometimes it burns like a roaring campfire and I’m completely captivated and sometimes it nags silently like a mango string caught in my teeth that I run my tongue over again and again without actually making an effort to remove. When I sit on the floor of my hut at 6:30 am drinking Nescafe, when I fill my water bucket at the forage in the silent woods, when I escape the afternoon sun by doing crosswords in bed, when I sit with my family in the evening as we wait for dinner to finish cooking, I always come back to the same thought - why the fuck am I here? 

For anyone reading this who doesn’t know, Senegal is a small West African country that happens to be the furthest western point on the African continent. I honestly don’t know that much about Senegalese history because all the empire formations and and dissolvements make my head spin, but I do know that it is certainly a very rich and diverse history, which has led to a very rich and diverse culture today. Although French is the national language, apparently 36 different languages are spoken in Senegal today, and each language corresponds to a different ethnic group with it’s own stories and traditions and beliefs. In my own region of Kedougou, I can travel between Bassari, Pular, and Jaxanke villages in just a few hours, and then if I travel up to any of the northern regions I find myself surrounded by Wolof or Pulaar du Nord or Serer. 

So, take a trip in a time machine back to maybe the 7th century and you’ll find all these groups of people living their lives, forming empires and kingdoms, disbanding, migrating, adopting Islam, you know, whatever, the usual, until the advent of globalization at the end of the 15th century. At that point, Europeans began competing for trade and conquest in Senegal (like they did in almost all other non-white countries, as y’all know. I have a few other colorful ways to describe this but since I have family reading and I already dropped a fuck once (twice now, sorry) I’ll keep it tame.)* until 1677 when France won by gaining control of Goree Island, which is known for being a purchasing base in the Atlantic Slave Trade. 

Travel forward in the time machine to 1961 and Senegal becomes independent from France. After centuries upon centuries of existing as a region under various kingdoms, then 300 years under French rule, Senegal becomes a country with a border, a tax system, a school system, elected officials, all that stuff. Now travel forward in the time machine to today, 2018, 57 years later. 

SO MUCH BACKDROP. Was all that even necessary for what I’m about to talk about? We’ll see, I guess. 

Living here, I see a lot of European and North American presence. Asian presence too, actually - a lot of the roads being built are Chinese construction projects, and the Renaissance Monument in Dakar was given as a gift from North Korea. There are other development organizations like UNESCO and World Vision, some religious missionaries, some adventurous tourists traveling on their own, some old French women sunbathing on the beaches of Mbour, and of course the obnoxious buses crammed full of European tourists coming to see a waterfall and stop by the surrounding towns to take photos of ~village life~ as if strolling through a zoo. 

As a white person here I’m perceived differently based on which of these groups of white people Senegalese people have interacted with more. When I travel anywhere outside my village I hear the children sing-song chant “toubako okkan cadeau!” which means “westerner, share a gift with me!”. Sometimes the adults engage me too when I go to a boutique or wait for a car at the garage. They like to ask me if I’ll take their baby with me back to America, if I’ll give them my earbuds, my cell phone, or my dress, or if I’ll marry their old crusty-ass uncle I don’t even know. When I travel up to Thies I don’t get chanted at quite as much and am almost ignored, which is nice. The few times I’ve been to Mbour I’m almost ignored except for the occasional beach-walking knick-knack seller begging me to be their first customer of the day. 

Even though they are just children, I get so incredibly annoyed sometimes by the chanting. I usually ignore it and go about my day but sometimes I just want to scream “my name is not Toubako, it’s Binta, and I don’t have a fucking gift, leave me alone and let me walk or bike or buy a piece of bread or whatever the fucking I’m doing at the moment.” The adults can be just as irksome, too. I don’t usually get into it and play these comments off as jokes but they make me so uncomfortable. I want to tell them “stop asking me for things. Every time you see me you only ask me for things. I came here to teach, to work, to plant at least like one fucking tree, not to take your baby or marry your god-damn uncle.” 

I think I’m up to four fucks now, sorry. God, that’s five. 

But I don’t respond because in some ways I feel like I deserve it. Even though I wasn’t here between 1677 and 1961 selling humans from Goree Island, even though I’m not one of these oggling, bus-going, camera-toting tourists, because I’m white I’m still part of that story. And in some ways isn’t “international development” another form of colonialism, of imperialism? Western groups coming in with resources and knowledge trying to fix what they perceive as problems? If the people of Senegal continuously rely on foreign aid organizations to supply resources and technical expertise, how sustainable is that for development in the long run? 

So this is where my thoughts lead me every day. What’s my role as a volunteer here? How can I act as a white person without perpetuating colonialism? How can I work and learn here while being the least imposing as possible? In Peace Corps we’re told the role of a volunteer is to be a mentor, a teacher, a co-facilitator, a co-planner, etc. There’s a huge focus on “people-centered” work. Don’t do anything your village doesn’t want. Don’t force your own projects because when you leave no one will continue it. I think I feel comfortable with this part. So far I’ve really been trying to feel out my village for what they want, what they need, and what they’re willing to work toward. If no one wants to make a compost pile or build a tree nursery, I’m not going to force it. I try to see myself as a supplier of information, not an iron-fisted environmental ruler. 

But even if I am trying to work with my village, even if I am truly trying to be this mentor/teacher/facilitator figure, and not a tyrant or giver of gifts like some other development organizations can be, why is that my responsibility as an American? All my technical training in Thies was done by Senegalese people. Wouldn’t this whole program be way more effective if Senegalese people trained other Senegalese people? People who live here and truly understand their land and their culture? People who don’t have to spend a year just trying to learn a language and fit in? People who aren’t going to go home to America or Canada or Japan after 2 years? 

Well then I think maybe it’s not just about the work. The work is so fun, it’s a blast, it’s been my favorite part in village. Helping someone build a tree nursery, doing a small training, getting my hands dirty planting seeds or amending a garden bed - it’s fantastic and I say that without a single drop of sarcasm. But there’s three goals in Peace Corps - the first is about the work, the second is about sharing American culture with the host country, and the third is sharing host country culture with Americans. And I think many volunteers have a fourth, personal goal of learning about themselves or some kind of self improvement. That’s my other favorite part so far. The opportunity to challenge myself, to learn, to think in a focused way and not just bounce all over the place. But did I have to come all the way to Senegal to do that? Are there experiences I could have had in America that would have been this formative? If I’m here just to learn, is that another form of exploitation? Am I just using my village’s daily life and culture as a means to only better myself? Maybe I should really focus my efforts on this whole cultural exchange part? 

I don’t know! I don’t know anything!

I’m not sure what my goal is in writing this post, but there was something inside me nagging me to put it down in type and send it into cyberspace. I do really appreciate my service in Senegal so far. I don’t want to leave, I don’t want to go home. But I think this topic is something I will continue to come back to again and again over the next year and a half. Maybe other volunteers will see this and relate or offer some insight? Maybe some history nerds will call me out on all the mistakes I made in the earlier paragraphs? Maybe people will tell me to shut up and get back to the cool tree stuff or post more pictures of my dog? 

Like I said, I don’t know. 

If you got this far, thanks for reading. That’s all for now. 

-Maggie 

*Way earlier in this post I put a little asterisk, if you remember. I have a book recommendation. If you’re interested in globalization, colonialism, and/or potatoes I highly recommend 1493 by Charles C Mann. It’s the story about how the face of the Earth completely changed with the first Europeans coming over to North America. It tells a very, very interesting story and I encourage anyone interested in learning even a little bit to read it.