#And thinking about how I always put myself down on having seemingly never done anything by the end of the year

[chronicsheepdrawing]

Thoughts on this year.

[propertyofkylar]

science lesson - m!kylar x gn!pc

you've never seen a penis in person before, and your best friend kylar helps you out with that :)

It was a normal day and you were laying on Kylar’s bed while he messed around on his computer. What he did with all those monitors, you never were sure.

You were flipping through some manga he had pulled off a shelf (you had picked one for yourself at random but when Kylar saw it, he ran and snatched it out of your hands, his face bright red, mumbling something about how this one would be better).

But the words on the pages weren’t registering because there was something else that was heavily weighing on your mind.

“Hey, Kylar?” You spoke hesitantly, but your best friend immediately spun around in his chair the moment he heard your voice. “Can I ask you something?”

Kylar swallowed audibly, but you weren’t sure why. “U-um. I mean, of course. You can always ask me anything!”

You sighed, setting the book down and sitting up. “Well…” you chewed on your bottom lip, trying to figure out how to phrase it. “You know…you know how in science class, Sirris always shows those videos and diagrams and stuff?”

Kylar looked slightly confused, but nodded nonetheless.

“It’s just that, um,” now you were the one gulping. You steeled yourself before continuing. “I dunno if I’m doing a good job in that class and I thought maybe…maybe it’s because I don’t know what it’s actually like.”

Kylar frowned a little before his eyebrows shot all the way up. “Do you mean…” he seemed at a loss for words.

Feeling your face flush, you turned away from him. “I thought maybe you could help me with some, um, practical experience.”

In response, Kylar sucked in a breath so quickly that it sent him into a coughing fit. Once it was over, his own face was bright red. He looked really nervous, but awkwardly stood up from his chair and came to sit next to you.

“You mean you want me to…” he trailed off again, seemingly unable to put his thoughts into words.

Fearing you would lose your confidence any moment, you quickly nodded.

“Can you please show me your…p-penis?” You stumbled over the words. Kylar looked like he was about to pass out and for a moment, you really thought he was going to. You placed a hand on his shoulder and he looked at you before he tugged his pants down.

The sight of the huge bulge in his underwear made you a little breathless. But you only saw it for a moment because Kylar quickly pulled his underwear off in the next instant.

You were immediately mesmerized as you watched his thick cock spring out, already hard, the tip slapping against the sweatshirt he still had on. “Wow,” you whispered without even thinking. Kylar was blushing harder than you’d ever seen, but was unable to speak. He just stared intensely at you.

Scooting even closer, you leaned in to get a good look at it. “Are they always this big?”

“U-um,” Kylar rubbed a hand across his face. “I don’t think so. I think mine is just, uh, extra big. Or at least that’s what I’ve seen in the locker room…”

“Wow,” you said again, reaching out a hand but stopping yourself. “Can I touch it?”

“Yes!” Kylar blurted out, before visibly shrinking back. “I mean, uh. Y-yeah. Only if you want to.”

Nodding, you reached your hand back out and tentatively stroked his shaft. “It’s a lot warmer than I thought. And it’s really hard.” Experimentally, you wrapped a fist around it, and Kylar yelped.

You drew back like it had burned you. “What? I’m sorry! Did I hurt you?”

“N-no!” Kylar quickly said. “I just didn’t expect that.”

The two of you looked at each other and Kylar drew in a shaky breath as he reached out to hold your hand, guiding it back to his cock. “If you go gently it, um. It feels good…” he mumbled, slowly moving your hand up and down. He shivered.

“Oh,” you said, beginning to forget why you had asked to do this and only thinking about how you wanted to feel him more and more. “Have you done this before? Like with…”

“No! No way,” Kylar said quickly. “Just myself. And,” he blushes even harder and looked away. “I’ve seen it in porn and stuff too.”

You nodded and waited for Kylar to look at you again. “Can I keep going?”

Kylar whimpered and squirmed. “Please,” he whispered.

You felt a little embarrassed especially never having done this before, but you figured it would be mean if you stopped now. And Kylar was being really kind and really brave showing you his dick, so you knew you couldn’t stop. So, you began stroking him again, without his guidance.

He let out another whine and you hesitated, but the look in his eyes made you keep going. “Oh my god,” he mumbled. Kylar looked happier than you’d ever seen him before.

You shifted positions so you could bring your head even closer to his lap, studying his cock up close. It felt warm in your hand, and you admired the veins bulging on the sides, the flushed red head and what you remembered from science class to be precum beading at the tip.

You didn’t even think twice before you leaned in and licked it off. It tasted weird, but not awful.

Kylar gasped when you did that. “W-why?”

Honestly, you didn’t even know yourself. So you just shrugged and licked it again. Kylar moaned and a hand grasped your hair. “Please don’t stop,” he whispered.

You didn’t. You even tried wrapping your mouth around the massive thing, but found you could barely get past the tip. That, plus as soon as you did, Kylar thrust into your mouth, making you gag.

“Sorry! I’m so sorry!” He said quickly. “I didn’t mean to! It wasn’t on purpose! It just…happened.”

“It’s okay,” you smiled up at him. Kylar looked like he was about to cry. You set back to stroking him and occasionally licking and sucking.

Kylar started muttering incomprehensibly. “You’re so nice. You’re the best. I love you. I love you so, so, so much.”

But you barely could hear him. You were too busy studying your newfound favorite thing. You memorized the taste of his skin, the heft of his shaft, the feeling of it pulse in your hands. It kept twitching and eventually, the twitches became more frequent.

“Oh my god,” Kylar moaned. “I…I’m gonna…c-cum.”

You watched in amazement as thick ropes of cum spurted out, landing on your hands, your face and even some in your hair. Kylar’s eyes were squeezed shut and he was panting heavily, but as soon as his eyes reopened he had a look of terror on his face. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to get it everywhere. Let me grab a tissue.”

Luckily, Kylar happened to have a box of tissues right next to his bed, sitting atop his nightstand next to a bottle of lotion and a framed photo of the two of you.

After you got cleaned up, you smiled at Kylar. “Thanks,” you said. “That was fun. And educational!”

“…yeah,” Kylar said. He looked like he wanted to say more, but hesitated. You put a hand on his still bare thigh and encouraged him. “Um. I-I think it’s not fair if I’m the only one who gets to feel good.”

You cocked your head, confused. He inhaled before continuing. “I mean, it’s only fair if I get to do the same to you now, right?”

Your throat went dry as you realized what he was asking. He frowned a little in response, his confidence growing. “You got to see me naked. So I get to see you now. Right?”

It was hard to argue with that. So you nodded, and Kylar beamed as he pushed you down onto the bed.

It was definitely a very educational experience.

[moonstruckme]

feels odd being a marauder fan asking for tasm Peter content but i couldnt help myself <//3 if ur still taking requests id love to see ur take on Peter and the art students meet cute (or not so cute meeting) I always wondered how two vastly different people would even meet lol

Thanks for requesting gorgeous!

cw: mention of animal cruelty (not present in the story)

tasm!Peter Parker x artist!reader ♡ 831 words

Peter wonders if he should put on his mask. 

He’s not really sure what the protocol is for non-mutant criminal activity that makes its way into his daily life. But he’d only been trying to lock up the lab for the night, and there you are, spray painting all over the glass panes dividing the workspaces. 

“Hey!” He decides to forgo the mask when you direct your can scary close to a container of samples. “Don’t do that, you’ll ruin them.” 

You turn slowly, tense all over. It’s a look Peter’s not unfamiliar with; fight and flight are warring in your nervous system. You’ve been caught. 

“No one’s still supposed to be here,” you say, voice muffled slightly by the painter’s mask covering your nose and mouth. 

A laugh bubbles out of him. “Oh, my bad. Sorry—actually, since I’m clearly the one breaking the rules, I’ll just go.” 

You remain frozen in place, seemingly waiting to see if he’s actually joking or not. Peter’s not sure what to do. He can’t just…let you continue to destroy the lab, but calling the cops has never been his MO. He crosses his arms and leans back against a table, doing his best to look in control. 

“What are you even doing?” he asks. 

“It’s…” You look around you as if you’d forgotten, to the glass now dripping gorily with red paint. “It’s about animal cruelty. It’s a protest. Do you have any idea,” you say, your voice picking up conviction as you speak, “how many animals die in these labs every day?” 

Peter blinks. “Not really.” It feels shitty to say, but it’s not like he’s around for every class and project that happens here every day; something like that would be impossible to keep track of. 

Your eyes flash. “Too many.”

“So, what?” He looks around, at the red dribbling down the glass panes—blood, that’s what it is—and your paint-spritzed overalls. “You make some maintenance worker have to clean this up tomorrow morning, and then the science department will decide to stop?” 

Your eyebrows bunch. You hadn’t thought of that. “I just want to bring attention to it,” you say. “I’ll come back and clean up if I need to, but I just—I think it’s important that people see it. That they can’t just keep ignoring it.” 

Peter frowns, bending to pick up one of the paint canisters stacked neatly by a backpack. He gives it a little shake, and this one’s still full, the pile it came from larger than the matching one of used-up cans by your feet. Your eyes track his movements, too smart to try and take it from him but attentive nonetheless. You’re watching him with this flaming intensity. There’s something quietly passionate about you, like you’re burning with an energy that would be almost frightening if it didn’t seem so heartfelt. 

“You realize there’s cameras all over this place, right?” he asks. “You could get kicked out of school. This is vandalism.” 

You don’t flinch. “It’s uncommissioned public art.” 

“You think they’ll see it that way?” 

You sigh heavily, and Peter wishes he could see what was going on behind that mask so he’d know what you were thinking. Thankfully for him, your eyes are expressive enough. They narrow as you cross your arms, jutting out a hip. 

“So what, are you going to go and tell someone?” 

Peter sizes you up. He can relate to feeling like you need to work outside of the system to get something done. To being sick of going to the proper authorities after being told too many times that while they really do care, they won’t do anything about it.

“How about this,” he says. “You let me stay here and make sure you don’t damage any of the equipment, and I won’t rat you out.” He might even scrub the camera footage once you go. But he’s still figuring you out, so he doesn’t want to make promises. 

“Deal,” you say immediately. If you’re surprised at his bargain, you don’t show it, only shaking the paint canister in your hand and starting to spray another layer of paint onto the glass. Your brows pinch slightly as you work, evidence of an assiduous concentration Peter is familiar with. 

He makes himself comfy in a rolling chair, sitting back to watch you work. “We actually do some really important stuff here, you know.” 

“I’m sure you do,” you say without pausing. “It’s not like I blame everyone you personally. I get that the research helps people, but, I mean, at what cost?” 

Peter shrugs. It’s a good point. “True. It’s a lot worse for animals in the big labs. We’re small-scale because we’re funded by the school, and we’re also responsible for reporting to the higher-ups.” 

“I know.” Your eyes flit to him, less wary than before. “But I don’t have access to one of the big labs. Change has to start somewhere, right?” 

You can certainly agree on that. 

[girls-alias]

Mental - Dean Winchester

Title: Mental - Dean Winchester

Words: 1,169

Relations: Dean Winchester X Reader

TW: Mental health, mental breakdown, SH.

Prompt:

Saw a TikTok edit of Dean and it inspired me.

I excused myself from the table as I hurried to stand. I didn't look at Sam and Dean before I left the room. I was slightly hyperventilating but once I rushed to my room I couldn't breathe. I practically threw myself into the back of the door. Needing it closed and need privacy. I slid down the door trying to control my breathing, to bring air into my lungs but the panic attack didn't end.

How could Dean like me? I'm a mess, I'm crazy.

Nothing has even gone wrong and I'm still miserable. I should be happy, it's a day off, and I should be enjoying quiet time with Sam and Dean.

Dean doesn't like me. He just confessed it to find a way to let me down slowly.

I shouldn't have told him about my crush, I should have just hidden it like I have done all year.

He is so out of your league. He'd never like you. Remember when he would check out other girls, he doesn't like you,

Oh, my God. I'm an idiot.

My mouth was dry from breathing so heavily, I wanted to gulp to try and gain some control over my own body but it wasn't working. My vision seemed to be clouded by dark spots. I knew there was only one way to gain some control but I cried as I thought about it.

I feel like my only solution right now is to self-harm, I need to get control of myself. I'm acting manic. I have been clean for 78 days. I'm doing so well. I can't break that now. It took me years to get that far.

I cried as I crawled to my display knife that sat on my desk. It was a real knife, sharp enough to cut paper easily but it was only ever decorative. I pulled it from the stand. Resting my back against the drawers I brought my knees up close to my chest. I put my arm facing me in the divet between my legs. The tears evacuated my eyes as if an alarm was ringing.

"Y/N," Dean's voice called through the shut door, worry lacing his tone. "Are you okay?" He asked, worry more evident. I slowly put the knife down not wanting him to hear it. I cleared my throat softly.

"Yeah, why?" I asked but instantly winced as I knew I would never normally say that and Dean might recognise that.

"You just ran off," He explained not seeming to hear my error.

"Yeah, I just needed the bathroom," I lied. I waited anxiously in those few seconds it took Dean to reply. The door isn't locked, I hadn't thought of that. I gulped watching the handle afraid in case he came in and saw me. I don't want to think of how upset Dean might be.

"Oh, are you sure you're okay? You sound a little weird," He explained, his voice a little cheerier but suspicious.

"Gee, thanks Dean," I played it off. Smiling as Dean chuckled seemingly happy with my response.

"Okay, well come back when you're done," Dean explained, I listened to his steps as he walked away. I sighed with relief and sorrow. My tears quickly resuming. A part of me wanted him to come in, to save me but I was too scared to say anything.

I buried my hand into my sleeve, bringing it to my mouth to quietly sob into it. I screamed as the door swung open forcefully. I looked up to see Dean had burst into my door, eyes on me instantly. He looked completely startled, maybe even scared. I didn't have time to compose myself before Dean was crouching beside me. He held my hand, sneaking a glance at my wrist before his eyes dived deep into mine.

"What's going on?" He asked softly. I sighed, not caring to try and compose myself. I look like a mess anyway.

"You shouldn't have lied to me. You should have just turned me down," I sobbed as he moved closer, His hand on the back of my head bringing me closer to him so I could cry onto his chest, comforting me as he stroked my hair.

"I didn't lie to you, baby," He's never used a pet name for me before. He's just feeling sorry for me. "I do like you, I've always liked you. From the second you walked out the room when we first met I told Sam, I wanted you," He explained but I shook my head as I sobbed.

"You're just saying that because I did this," I stated as I lifted my arm.

"No, baby. No, I've liked you from the second I met you. I was too scared to say anything because I didn't think you'd like me," He explained as he hugged me a little tighter. "I want to be yours," He added. I sobbed, sitting up as I shook my head to look at him.

"You're too hot for me," I exclaimed but Dean shook his head. I could almost see hearts in his eyes as he looked at me.

"I want to be yours," He repeated. My eyebrows furrowed as I looked at him.

"I'm emotionally unstable," I argued but he smiled softly.

"I want to be yours," He repeated once again. I shook my head.

"Dean, -"

"I want to be yours," He interrupted. He placed his hand on my cheek, his eyes peering into my soul. Like earlier, all the air seemed to leave my lungs but this time I knew it was coming back. "I want to be yours," Dean commented before leaning in to connect our lips. My brain frazzled as I realised Dean was kissing me, we'd never kissed before. This is a bit far if he was lying. He has to be telling the truth. I should believe him.

I kissed him back, my hand coming up to the back of his neck as our lips moved in sync. His tongue graced my bottom lip. I allowed his access as our tongues met in the middle, dancing around each other. I could taste his morning coffee. He smiled against my lips as he continued to kiss me. I melted into his arms.

He slowly pulled away. I couldn't stop the smile on my face from spreading as I saw the joy on his face.

"Come on, we'll get you cleaned up and I'll take you on the date I've been planning all day," He explained cheerfully. I chuckled softly as he stood up. I tried my tears, looking up to see Dean offering to help me up. I smiled as I accepted his hand, and he pulled me to my feet. He took the opportunity to kiss me again. A shorter but passionate kiss. "I want you to wear something cute," He explained playfully as he led me to the bathroom. I smiled knowing now that Dean likes me and I am enough for him.

Masterlist

Working On

[writeawaythepain]

That Funny Feeling

Jimmy Solidarity x (gn!reader)

…Hey! I’m not dead! And I finally have the urge to write again! Hope you enjoy my spiral into a new fandom!

tw: self-deprecating thoughts, angst (don’t worry there’s a fluff at the end)

Word count: 1.7k

Prompts:

“You are worthy of love and friends and respect.”

"why do you care!" "because i’m in love with you!"

Summary:

You walk in on Jimmy having beef with a fence post, and though you're not really surprised, you wonder if he’s dealing with more pain than just that of his injured foot. Includes you giving the poor guy a much needed hug, and a slip-up that lets him in on how much you really care about him.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

You don’t think you’ve ever really seen Jimmy upset…not really. He never minded being the butt of any joke, laughing along at any jab or insult. He didn’t mind if people made fun of him as long as it made someone laugh at the end. He was selfless like that. You were always a little bit jealous of his resilience, and maybe that’s why you always thought of him as almost…invincible.

So, when one day you came to check up on how the Sheriff’s new building was going, you were surprised to see that barely any progress had been done. It actually…seemed like he’d torn parts of it down. You approached slowly, taking in the half done walls and foundation, a door frame without a door, and started to look for him. 

Before you can even call out to him, though, you see the back of a familiar blonde cowboy. A cowboy who was seemingly talking to himself. “No- come on Jim! You know you can do better at this- you just gotta… just gotta…” He stops, clenching his fists and yelling out in frustration. “It’s not that hard!” He emphasizes the last word by kicking a rickety fence post, but it must have been sturdier than he expected because he instantly flinched back, grabbing his foot and crying out in pain.

The whole sight was almost cartoonish, with him wearing his cowboy hat and boots, so you couldn’t help but snicker even as you reached out your hand in concern. “Oh my god Jimmy, are you ok?” You can’t stop the smile that spreads on your face, but it wavers slightly as you approach him and notice…are those tears in his eyes? He quickly wipes his face, replacing his frustrated look with an excited smile. 

“Oh hi! I didn’t even see you there! Me and this fence post are having beef, actually- See, it won’t do what I tell it to, and make my stuff look good so I was reminding ‘em who's in charge round here!” He laughs a little as he says it, his smile so bright you're inclined to believe him…it wasn’t quite reaching his eyes though, and you still wonder if the kick hurt him more than he was letting on.

“Yea, you really showed him!” You try to mirror his energy, shaking off some of your worries as he replies in his usual chipper tone.

“Yea I did!” He laughs but then slightly turns away from you. “Listen uh…you know I always love having you around. You’re welcome anytime! But uh…I really have a- a thing I gotta do and…” Your smile drops as you see him wince a little as he puts his weight on the foot he ‘beat up’ the fence post with.

“Hey Jimmy, is your foot ok?” You walk up to him, concerned. “Maybe you should sit down-“

“Nah I’m fine…probably anyway.” He laughs like it’s a joke, but when you look at him you're not smiling.

“You're limping. You might not have broken anything but- here, sit down.” You gently put your hand on his shoulder.

“It’s really nothing, I’m just being an idiot...” He moves away from your touch, shaking it off and puffing up his chest a little. He tries to shoot you a smile again, but it did little to aid your concerns.

“Just, let me take a look at it? Maybe I can help-“ You start, a little frustrated at his stubbornness.

“But I don’t need help! I can take care of it myself! I just- I just stubbed my toe. I’ll be fine!” You sigh, giving him a weird look, but deciding not to push it.

“…why were you beefing with the fence post anyway…did it kill your grandma?” You joke, hoping to fix the awkward air that had somehow come between the two of you. It’s weird, you’d never felt awkward talking with him before.

Instead of responding, Jimmy just turned towards his half finished building. And stood there. After a while he finally spoke. “Listen I’m, kinda busy right now. Maybe you can come back another time?” …Alright that’s it-

“Ok Jimmy, what is up with you? I came here to see your build, which looks less finished than when I saw it days ago may I add, and instead I see you kicking a fence post, getting defensive when I try to help, and now you don’t even laugh at my Trolls joke? …ok maybe it's an old meme but still-“ You chuckle, still kind of hoping he’d just turn around and start acting normal again. You’ve never seen him act like this before.

All he did was stand there…and as the silence grew longer you couldn’t help but start to get worried. “Gosh…I really am useless.” He finally says.

You almost roll your eyes, “Your not useless Jim-“ 

“Yes- yes I am!” He says it so firmly you freeze. You’ve never heard him raise his voice like that before. 

“I can’t build, I can’t fight, I can’t even be the guy who smiles all the time! I’m- I’m basically worthl-“ He stops himself. “…and I don’t know why I’m telling you this- I’m sorry.“ You're so surprised by his words you don’t even know what to say. “I didn’t mean to yell. It’s just-“ He takes his hat off of his head and grips it in his hands. “It’s so stupid- I’m so stupid. It shouldn’t be this hard for me to just-“ His grip on the hat tightens.

“…Jimmy, you are not worthless. You don’t have to smile all the time to be the brightest ray of sunshine I know. You could probably make me see the silver lining of getting stabbed for god's sake-“ You almost laugh at your own words, hoping it would get through to him. “You are worthy of love and friends and respect. And I’m sorry I don’t tell you that enough.” You walk up to him and put a hand on his shoulder. He slowly spins around, but doesn’t meet your eyes.

“I’m just being a baby-”

“No, no you're not. It’s ok to- to feel bad sometimes.” You interrupt gently before he can insult himself again.

“Why- why do you even care?” His voice wavers, and now you can see the tears streaming out of his eyes. 

“Because I love you…you idiot.” Jimmy freezes, and even you are a little surprised at your own words, but it’s true. “People care about you- I care about you! I don't care that you can’t build giant castles or fight dragons, or that you get mad or sad sometimes-“ Your rambling a bit, trying to recover from the bombshell you just dropped. Jimmy was just staring at you, eyes wide. 

“…you…love me? Like…love, love me?!” He says slowly, not really paying attention to anything else you said after.

“I- this is probably not the best time to just- but, yea. I really do.” You can’t help but look down as you admit it, and when you look back up at him he’s crying all over again. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to-“

He steps forward and wraps you in a hug, sobbing into your shoulder. You hug him back, rubbing his back and giving him some words of encouragement. Slowly his sobs get quieter, and eventually he pulls away from the hug.

“Um…” He sniffs. “I know I probably look like a mess right now-“

“Just a little.” You tease gently, wiping a stray tear off of his face.

“Right- but um…I love you too. Just so you know.” He avoids your eyes as he says it, then looks directly into them, gauging your reaction, as if to ensure this wasn’t all a joke.

“Like…?” You start.

“Yea…like that.” He gently bumps his forehead against yours, his regular confident smile returning to his face. “I cannot believe you fell for my Sheriff rizz.” You laugh, shaking your head.

“Don’t- don’t say rizz-” You try to suppress a giggle, pretending to be upset. “Great, now you ruined the moment.”

His bravado instantly drops, “Wait. No wait I didn’t mean to-” You shut him up by yanking his neckerchief and planting a kiss on his cheek. “To…to…” His face slowly reddens as his brain catches up to his speeding heart.

“Fixed it.” You say simply, chuckling softly as your Sheriff still reboots. “I think I’m the one with the rizz~” You laugh.

“Yea, no I see how that ruins the moment.” You laugh even harder at his reaction, and he can’t help but join in. After a few moments, you end up gazing into his bright hazel eyes.

“You know you can always talk to me when you're feeling upset.” You say seriously, taking one of his hands with both of your own. “Don’t just…no one should be alone when they're feeling like that.”

“...I know…You're right, as always.” He smiles appreciatively, grabbing one of your hands with his free one. You both stand there, swaying your interlocked hands gently back and forth, just enjoying the other's company.

“You know, when you're feeling up to it, why don’t I help you finish this…” You look over the half finished building, realizing you had no idea what it was actually supposed to be.

“Barn. It’s – ” he sighs, as if even bringing it up makes him feel tired all over again, “ – ‘supposed to be a barn.” 

“Barn! Right, and we could even ask Joel to help.” His eyes widen.

“No! You can’t tell him- Oh my god I’d never hear the end of it!” You laugh at the urgency in his voice.

“Ok! Ok. It’ll just be me. I’ll help you…” You let go of his hands and instead interlock your fingers behind his neck. “It’ll be our little secret.” He gazes into your eyes with a look only comparable to a lovesick puppy.

“Gosh I really wanna kiss you right now-” He lets out with a whisper, and then it’s your turn to get a little flustered.

“Well…then kiss me cowboy.” You lean in and he meets you halfway, and the kiss is just as sweet as the blonde Sheriff you share it with.

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[wjhik]

Hiii!! How are you? Can I ask for a jude request where both the reader and him go on Ridiculousness and it’s just all fluff and jokes, thanks anyway

Cuddles (Jude Bellingham)

Soft moonlight seeped through the curtains, casting a gentle glow over the room. The walls were adorned with pictures of cherished memories, and the bed is a cozy haven of warmth and comfort. I was scrolling through movie options to watch. I worked my ass off all morning to get all my uni work done, so I could enjoy my weekend, not needing to stress about having to get anything done. As I picked an M&M out of the package I heard the door open. I perked up and listened. I heard keys being dropped on the table and bags being put down. I heard footsteps moving towards the bedroom, where I was. The door swung open to reveal my beloved boyfriend.

“Hey, baby.” Jude says with a sigh. “Hi.” I smile at him. He rushed into the bathroom to settle himself.

Jude came out in a t-shirt and his boxers. “Hey.” He says, settling himself in bed, next to me. He laid his head on my chest and wrapped his arms around my waist. “How was your day?” I asked him. He always got clingy after a hard day. “It wasn’t bad. But I got cold, and wet.” The rainy season was hard for Jude. All he wanted to do was cuddle in bed with a warm cup of hot chocolate. “Yeah? I’m sorry, baby.” I comfort him, running my hands through his hair. I moved my hand to grab his under the blanket. Once contact was made, he immediately pulled away. “God, woman. Your hands are so cold. What the fuck?” He exclaims. “Why do you have to freeze my ass every night?” He whines. I don’t understand why he thinks it’s so cold. It’s really not. I only keep the thermostat at 16C. (that is really cold for me, but that’s what i keep my room at so wtv)

I playfully grabbed his face, enveloping him in my coldness. “AY! GET AWAY!!” He yells out. “You’re such a drama queen.” I giggled. “I’m not. You’re fucking insane.” He says, referencing my temperature preferences. I simply rolled my eyes at him.

“What are we doing tonight, girlfriend?” He says, poking my side. “You tell me, boyfriend.” I  replied, my eyes stuck to the T.V., struggling to find something interesting. “Well, I thought we could have some fun.” He whispered. “Stop being a horny teenager. Let’s watch Charlie And The Chocolate Factory.” I dismissed him. “You’re genuinely such a child.” He said.

“I never want to leave this bed.” I said, seemingly out of nowhere. Jude makes me feel so comfortable and safe. Nights like those were my favorite, because it was just me and him. No cameras. No media. No interviews. No judgment. Just a man and his girl. It was perfect.

“I second that. It's like a fort of coziness.” Jude replied. He held me in his chest tighter, and kissed the top of my head. He put his finger under my chin and made me look at him. I looked in his eyes, but instantly got nervous. I looked down, blushing to myself. He lets out a breathy laugh. He lifted my face once again, and kissed me. I felt all the butterflies that have ever been in my stomach all at once. 

I pulled away and kissed his nose. I propped myself up on one elbow, gazing up at Jude with a mischievous glint in my eye. “What’s going on in that brain of yours, huh?” Jude asks, seeing past my eyes. “You know, we could stay here forever. Build a tiny world of blankets and pillows, and never face the world outside.” I say, holding him tight. Jude flashes me a heartwarming smile that I will never get tired of. “I'm all for it. We'll need to hire a breakfast delivery service, though. Can't survive on cuddles alone.” Jude jokes. I rolled my eyes and asked, “Why do you have the humor of an 86-year-old grandpa that gets called ‘pop-pop’ by his grandkids?” I ask him. He gasps loudly and places his hand on his chest. “For your information, girls would die for this humor.” He huffs. “I am girls.” 

We shared a laugh, our fingers playing an intricate game of interlocking puzzles. My hand found its way to Jude's cheek, and I stroked it gently. “I love you so much. You don’t even get it.” I say. Jude quickly reciprocated by kissing me. He pulled away with a dramatic smooch to my head. “You do realize we've been in bed for hours, right?” I observed. “Hours? More like days, I think. Time ceases to exist in our cuddle kingdom.” Jude said. This guy is such a dork. “Please, stop. I think I’m going to be sick.” I said. “You love me.” Jude said, rolling his eyes. “You know I do.” 

We laid there in silence, savoring the tranquility of the night, enveloped in a cocoon of love and comfort. I lifted my head to plant a soft kiss on Jude's lips, and he responded with a gentle caress, our affection speaking volumes without the need for words. “I’m so sleepy.” I said, yawning into Jude’s chest. “I know, sweetie.” Jude twisted at an awkward angle to reach for the T.V. remote on his side table. He grabbed it and turned off the T.V., as well as flicking off his side lamp. He reached above me and turned mine off as well. He shimmied down slowly, trying not to disturb me. “Sleep, my love.” He whispered quietly, kissing my head.

“I love you, you know.” I say, dreamily as I doze off into a deep sleep. “I love you more.” Jude whispers, knowing I can’t hear him. Our embrace tightened, as if trying to fuse our souls together, seeking solace and strength in each other's arms. The world outside may be calling, but for now, in the safety of our love, time stands still, and the only reality that matters is the one we've created in the quiet sanctuary of our shared warmth.

Dm for Requests

Wattpad: Funkyfishfeet

[embrosegraves]

𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕄𝕠𝕠𝕟 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕒𝕝𝕝 𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕊𝕥𝕒𝕣𝕤

(request) Sebastian Vettel x Reader (he/they) Kids: Vincent/Vince (4) and Miriam/Mimi (5 months)

Warnings: Mentions of Reader not having a good childhood, mentions of Bad Mental Health™, self-doubt from reader, badly written angst?

It had been an unbelievable few years for the Vettel household. First Sebastian married the love of his life and they moved to a farm in Switzerland. They spent three years together before they adopted an energetic 2-year-old boy named Vincent. They were a perfect family of three. Sebastian retired from Formula One when Vince was 3 and a year later they found themselves at home with a now 4-year-old son and a newly adopted 5-month-old baby girl, Miriam.  

It was everything Seb could’ve asked for. He had a husband and two gorgeous children, he had never been more satisfied with anything in his life. 

Sebastian was so in love with his life that his heart shattered when he saw his life partner struggling. Y/n put up a good show in front of the children, but Sebastian and Y/n had been together for close to 9 years. Not to mention that they had known each other for 13 years. All that to say, Sebastian basically knew them better than themself. So he knew that while Y/n was outwardly happy and excited, their mind was in the trenches between anxiety and doubt. 

Seb could see that he was struggling with something and it physically pained him to not know how to help. Y/n was the single most important thing in his life. Every fibre of his being was made to love him and to make him feel happy and safe. He had to try something to help.

Prior to getting together with Seb, Y/n had explained vaguely what it had been like growing up for them. How they had to basically raise themself from a very early age. The sad fact was, Y/n had never had a consistent flow of positive affirmation or physical affection until finding Sebastian. Growing up both things had been a taboo. Meeting Sebastian had made Y/n determined to break the generational cycle before it had time to fully begin. Sometimes that mindset was hard to keep. Especially when asked a seemingly innocent question from a totally clueless 4-year-old. 

Vince hadn’t even asked Y/n the question, but he had overheard the small boy ask Sebastian. 

“How much am I loved?”

Those five words had sent Y/n into a silent spiral for days. Y/n hadn’t bothered to stick around to hear Sebastian answer the question. Instead, they tried as best they could to continue the day as normal. Why did Vince ask that, of all questions? Y/n was aware that children were always curious about everything, and they knew that it was more than likely just a child’s healthy curiosity. But curiosity had to start somewhere, right? What happened for their son to ask how much he was loved. 

Had he turned into his parents? Had he, without realising, not shown or said how much he absolutely adored his child? Did he somehow do the one thing that he swore he never would? Just the thought of it made him feel sick to his stomach. 

Sitting on the couch one evening, Baby Mimi asleep in one arm while the other circled around a sleeping Vince, Y/n found themself within their mind once again. Thinking about everything they had done leading up to Vince asking that dreaded question. He couldn’t pinpoint anything that seemed out of the ordinary. Nothing had changed in the dynamic since they had adopted their first child. Y/n blinked away the tears forming in his eyes. 

“I’m so sorry, my loves.” Y/n whispered as they looked at their children. Their voice was choked with emotion as they spoke.

“I’m sorry I haven’t done better. I promised myself that I would be better, and it’s not just myself that I’ve let down.” Y/n sniffled. “I said, years ago, that I would never become the people that raised me. That I would stop the cycle before it could begin, but clearly I’ve failed.” 

Sebastian had stopped just before the doorway to the living room, having heard his husband speaking to the no doubt sleeping children. 

“I wish that I could take back every moment you ever doubted my love for you. Prove that I am not my parents and that you are the most important parts of my life. I never want for you to feel how I did as a child.” 

Sebastian couldn’t take it anymore. He walked into the room, gently picked up his son and sat down next to Y/n. Keeping an arm around Vince, he used his free arm to wrap around his partner and pull them close to him. 

Sebastian pressed a lingering kiss to Y/n temple and whispered to him. “They do not doubt your love for them, Blume. I promise you.”

“How would you know that? I have failed as a parent if my child has to ask if he is loved.” Y/n took a shuddering breath, trying to stop themself from bawling their eyes out. 

“I know because I asked. Vince knows how much you love him, he knows how much I love him and I have no doubt in my mind that Mimi also knows how much we love her.”

“Papa, how much am I loved?” 

Sebastian looked at the 4-year-old in his arms, “Why do you ask?” 

“Baba always says that he loves you to the moon. And then you always say that you love Baba for all the stars.” 

“We do say that, yes.” Sebastian could help but smile at his son. He knew that for the young boy to know the endearment he exchanged with his husband, he would’ve had to hear it often. It pleased him to know that his children were growing up surrounded by the notion that affection and openly loving someone was a good thing.

“I just wanted to know how much I was loved. Like you and Baba.”

Adjusting Vince so that he could see his face, Sebastian gave a kiss to his forehead. “Baba and I love you so much that there is nothing we could compare it to”

The boy looked at his father, “And Mimi too?” 

“Of course Mimi too. There is nothing in the whole world that Baba and I love more than the two of you.” 

“Not even your trophies? Baba says you love them a lot.” Vince said, laying his head on Sebastian’s shoulder.

“My trophies don’t even come close, Kleine.” 

Sebastian pulled his husband closer as he finished speaking. I was silent for a moment before Seb spoke up again. 

“You have not failed as a parent, and I know that you will never fail. I have seen how much our son adores you. In every language I know there are not enough words to explain how much he loves you.” 

Sebastian knew that it wasn’t going to be easy to convince his partner that they didn’t need to be upset or worried. He knew that it was hard to come back from your mind. Especially if you had been there for a while. Sebastian was determined to help his partner, no matter how long it took him. He would go to the ends of the Earth if it meant that Y/n knew how much their little family loved them. He would trade every Championship trophy in the world to show Y/n that they are nothing like the people who raised them (because they sure as shit weren’t parents). 

“I love you so much that seeing you doubt yourself hurts me. You are the best damn parent for our children and I just wish that you could see that.”

It might take me a while but I can potentially do a part 2 for this if people liked it.

but anyways, I hope everyone enjoyed <3

[sugary-cherriboi]

Hospital Room

Shinjiro x Gn!Reader

~Spoilers for P3~

~~~

October 5th

Akihiko's pov

I was hesitant on entering the hospital room. I couldn't bare to see him after what happened the night before. I knew they were waiting in the room. Placing my hand on the handle, I paused as I prepared myself. Taking a deep breath, I slide open the door to reveal Y/n laying their head beside his body. My own body started to shake. It was hard to believe this was really happening. They haven't moved from their spot since we admitted him last night. I wasn't even sure if they've eaten anything. "Y/n?" I spoke their name softly as I approached them. No response. As I got closer, I realized they fell asleep, with their eyes all red and puffy from crying. Their face beginning to look all pale and sickly. I sighed. They've never been so distraught before. In battle, they've always has a cool head, but now, they're a mess.

I pulled up a chair beside their sleeping body. Shinji asked me to look after them, but I should of known what he meant by that. I should of put it all together sooner, but I guess it was his choice after all. I shook my head as I tried to not think so deep about it.

I looked down at their sleeping form. Their face began to contort into a discomforted look. My eyes widened as I wasn't exactly sure what was happening with them. Are they okay? Their breathing started to get heavy as sweat glistened their forehead. Suddenly, they shot up. "Shinjiro!!" They screamed his name as they were in a panic. Heavily breathing as they looked at Shinji, seemingly check to make sure he was still there. They looked sadly upon him since he was still in a coma. 

"Y-y/n?" I spoke their name softly, hoping to not spook them, but they tensed up a bit so I may have a little bit. Their eyes were so dull and lifeless. 

"Akihiko-san!" They seemed very much surprised that I was here. "How long have you been sitting there?" They asked embarrassingly as they looked away from me. 

"Not for long." I told, hoping they wouldn't be too mad or anything, but instead they just nodded and silently looked back at Shinji. The silence was a bit unbearable, but I wasn't sure on how to interact with them. Their old personality was nowhere to be seen. They've become almost sort of an empty husk. "Maybe we should go out and get some fresh air." I suggested, trying to help in some way. They just shook their head as they continued to stare at Shinjiro. I frowned as they was being quite difficult, but I can understand where's coming from though. They loved him a lot and now he's on the verge of never waking up again. They must be pretty perturbed about him, that fear must be very high for them. 

I placed a hand on their shoulder. "Y/n." I was very stern with them. "Shinji wouldn't want you to just sit around and mope." I started, hoping this would be good words of advice for them. "He's want you to try and continue living and right now, you're not doing that. He's still going to be right here whether you sit there or not." I stood up from my seat as my hand fell off their shoulder. "So I'm heading out to train for Shinji's sake. If you wanna sit around and mope, then so be it. " With a quick turn of my heels, I headed towards the door. I hated being harsh towards them, but I'm hoping it does them some good. I paused as I placed my hand on the handle, waiting to see if they'd react. Nothing, I shook my head and sighed. "Thought you were better than tha-"

"Gyagh!" Something slammed against my back. I held my back as I turned around. The only person who could of done it. The look in their eyes changed. They were filled with something I've never seen from them. I couldn't exactly tell what the look in their eyes were all about, but they were determined at the very least. They were filled with a mixture of emotion, I could tell that, though. 

They crackled their knuckles as they glared at me. It felt like sharp daggers pierced through me. It felt like ages before they finally spoke. "I will destroy every last shadow." They asked, which my eyes widened. This was not the same Y/n from before Shinji was hospitalized. They've became something else. "And I will kill Strega." My heart dropped as my mouth fell agape. This.. Malice over took them. The look in their eyes! Pure hatred. 

My hands moved on their own as I landed a hook against their cheek. As I reeled my hand back, I noticed that they seemed unfazed by what I just did. "Do you even hear yourself!?!" Yelling at them, I gripped onto their shoulder.

They slapped my hand away. Another glare shot pierced me. "Akihiko." They seldom call me Akihiko. This was all wrong. "I cannot stand by and let any more of my loved ones die because of me." Their voice was so aggressive and filled with guilt. This wasn't them. "I must fight on." They took a step past me, towards the door. "I will fight on-"

I gripped onto their shoulder and forced them to face me. "You're being a damn fool!" They needed to be knocked out of this. "Do you really think this is what they wanted!?" Trying to use some logic for them to realize how they were acting. They didn't respond back. "There's no way in hell either of them want you to act like this!!" I furrowed my brows as I softened my grip on their shoulder. "Shinji wanted me to look after you, and that's what I'm going to do!" Still nothing from them. I bit my lip as I began to feel tears well up, looking to the ground. "We lost Miki. We lost Shinji. I know damn well I can't deal with another loss." My voice cracked. 

I glanced up to see their face contorted into tears. They were trying to hold them back, but they soon began to slowly pour out. "Aki." They coughed out as they tried to wipe away the tears, but the tears were persistent. "I-" Their voice cracked. "I can't take this anymore!" A quick outburst. "I have to leave-"

I gently grabbed their hand. I gave them pleading eyes, showing them I didn't want them to leave. "Please don't do anything rash." My voice was soft, trying to get a little promise. "Promise me that you won't put yourself in harm's way." Now I was begging as I pulled them closer to me, wrapping my arms around them. "Please. I don't want to lose you, too." I whispered softly as I buried my hand into their shoulder, squeezing them like they would be gone after I let go. 

Their arms sneaked their way around me. "I'll be careful to not put myself in harm's way." They quickly promised me. "But you have to do that same." I nodded.

"I will." Their arms squeeze me tighter as they dug their head into my shoulder. "We have to live. For them." I added on so there'd be some pressure on us. "They'll never forgive us if we throw our lives away, you got that?"They nodded with a affirmative hum. Pulling away, I kept my hands on their arms. Silence fell upon the room. "Well." I cleared my throat as I removed my hands off them. No words came out of my mouth. The two of us standing there in silence. Our eyes darted around the room. 

"I hope Shinji didn't hear any of that." They mumbled as they rubbed the back of their neck. They were trying to get a much more livelier vibe to the room. 

I crossed my arms. "I know you're just trying to distract yourself." Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea to. I've definitely haven't been the best with dealing with this. 

They sighed. "I know." They grumbled as they crossed their arms. "It's going to be hard for the two of us." I frowned as they weren't wrong. 

There had to be something to help us get through this, even if for a moment. Then an idea popped into my head. "Let's get beef bowls." I tried to put on a smile as my throat lumped up. Great, more tears. 

They put on a small smile as they turned towards the door, placing a hand on the handle. Silenced filled the small gap before they spoke up. "Y-yeah. Like old times." Even though they weren't facing me, I could tell that there was tears forming in their eyes. With a quick wipe using their arm, they got rid of tears and opened the door. I followed behind them as the two of us went to get beef bowls. 

While behind them, I noticed their legs were severely shaking. "Woah! You aren't walking there without some help." I wrapped an arm under theirs. They just rolled their eyes and allowed me to help them walk there. So my suspicion was right; they hadn't ate anything for awhile. I just shook my head as we continued our path.

I smiled down at the floor as we walked. 

I'll bring one back for you, Shinji. 

You, too, Miki.

I'm sure you would of have enjoyed that place as much as we do.

[writtenbymisunderstoodnerds]

I don’t hate you (Emily x Reader)

This was requested by an anon so I can’t tag you, but I hope you like it. I got a bit carried away and reached 5k words. 

Request: Can I request something with a shy reader who has a crush on Sonnett but she's intimidated by her extroverted personality so Emily thinks the reader doesn't really like her. Just lots of fluff and pining?

"Hey Y/n," Emily greeted flopping down on the chair next to me. As usual I froze. Just being near her was enough to make me clam up, seemingly losing all ability to speak or do anything really. Somehow I managed to wave slightly, never looking up from my sketch book. It's not that I didn't want to talk to her or be around her. Emily was very outgoing, very extroverted. She loves talking to people, going out and doing things where as I'm the complete opposite. Talking to people I don't know makes me incredibly nervous, I'm at my happiest at home with my sketch book or with a few close friends even then I'm a quiet person, I prefer listening over talking. The girls and I were close, it took a while for me to feel comfortable around them, but they had become like family. Emily was the only person I was never able to talk to properly outside of games. I would never admit it, but her extrovertedness intimidated me, made me freeze and run away at the same time. The massive crush I may or may not have had on her didn't help either.

Emily sighed, "Nice chat," She muttered before turning to talk to Lindsey. I watched her for a few seconds before I got up and left the room. I hated that no matter how hard I tried I couldn't talk to her or even look at her when she was looking at me.

I was stuck in my head again thinking about Emily. It wasn't uncommon, I thought about her a lot, but this was different. After walking out this morning, I had avoided everyone until lunch. Then before I could go into the meal room, I had overheard the conversation they were having. Emily was asking what she had done wrong, why I hated her, while the other girls were trying to reassure her that I probably didn't or that she should just straight up ask me. I felt horrible. I never wanted Emily to think I didn't like her, but I also didn't know how to stop freezing and actually talk to her. Hearing the conversation had made tears start to form. I wasn't a crier, but I just felt overwhelmed by everything I was feeling and that I was hurting Emily. Hurting her was the last thing I ever wanted to do.

That's how I ended up sitting on the floor of the hotel room, staring at the wall. I don't know how long I had been sitting there, my phone was somewhere in the room on silent so I could ignore everyone.

"Are you okay Y/n?" A voice asked, making me jump and whip around to the source.

Alyssa was standing next to me, concern evident, "I'm fine, why?"

"You left breakfast rather abruptly this morning, you missed lunch, now you are sitting on the floor staring into space."

I shrugged turning back to the wall, "I'm just thinking."

She sat down next to me, nudging my shoulder gently, "About Emily?"

"W-what? H-ow did-"

"You left breakfast after she talked to you. You always get super quiet around her, never look at her or talk to her. Did she do something that made you not like her?"

"Is that what everyone thinks? That I don't like her?"

"Well yeah. It's kind of the vibe you give off. Look, if she did something, it probably wasn't intentional. I'm sure if you just talked to her, you'd be able to work it out."

"It's not that, I-I d-don't, I l-lik-"

Alyssa put her hand on my arm, making me stop talking, "Hey, just take a breath. Whatever you tell me Y/n, I swear it'll stay in this room."

I took a deep breath, releasing it slowing to calm myself down. I debated if I should tell her or not. On one hand, I knew talking about it might help, but I was also scared of other people finding out. I had no doubt that Alyssa was someone that could be trusted if I just let myself. So I decided to just say fuck it.

"I like her, I do. It's just I can't talk to her. I try, believe me, but I physically cannot get the words out. Whenever she's around, I just freeze. I can't talk to her or even look at her if she's looking at me."

"You like her." I nodded, playing with my fingers. "By the sounds of it, you like her as more than a friend."

"Maybe."

"It's okay you know, to have feelings for her."

Tears welled up again, this time I pushed them away, I didn't want to cry in front of Alyssa, "I wished I didn't. Maybe I'd actually be able to talk to her, not make her think I hate her. I know she won't feel the same, but it would be nice to actually be friends with her."

"Is it just the crush that's stopping you? Is there something else about her?"

"Maybe, I don't know. She's kind of intimidating. She's so outgoing, so extroverted. The complete opposite to me. I've never been very good around people like that, then add the crush on top of it and I'm useless."

"I get it. Believe it or not Emily does have a quiet side. Maybe in times when she is more quiet, you could try talking to her, even a simple 'hi' to start with."

"I don't think I've ever seen her quiet."

"Try when she's alone or after a game, that's when she's most quiet."

"Thank you Alyssa."

---

We had just won the game. It was a very physical and everyone was exhausted. I knew there would be celebrations later, but right now we all just wanted to shower. Emily had ended up walking next to me in the tunnel. She wasn't talking or making jokes, it was weird to see her so quiet. I thought back to what Alyssa had said, about starting slowly. I took a breath and glanced at Emily quickly to find her already looking at me. We both looked away quickly.

"You uh played amazing today," I said quietly, making sure to avoid her gaze otherwise I knew I would freeze again.

"Thank you, so did you."

I managed to send her a small smile before quickly looking away again. We made it to the locker room where everyone went their own ways. Emily went to shower while I sat down next to Alyssa, taking off my cleats. Alyssa lifted her hand for a high-five, I was confused, but returned it anyway. She leaned closer to whisper, "It's a start."

---

Emily was dancing around the locker room with Rose and Mal to some random song. I couldn't help watching her. Despite her loudness, her goofiness and terrible jokes, she was absolutely beautiful. From her eyes, smile, freckles and laugh to her personality. The way she cares so deeply for the people she loves, always trying to cheer people up if they're down, her dedication to the team and the game. Everything about her was beautiful.

Emily looked back at me, making me look away quickly, cheeks heating up. When I looked back at her, I found she was already looking at me, a somewhat sad smile on her face. It was Emily that looked away this time. This seemed to become a pattern. I would look at her, then look away as fast as possible when she would glance at me, only to find her watching me when I looked back at her. Sometimes I managed to hold eye contact for a second, but not often.

"She's looking at you," Alyssa told me quietly. I glanced quickly to where Emily was to find her already looking at me. She looked away quickly, but I kept watching her, "You know she does that a lot."

"I know."

"Maybe she-"

"Bus is leaving in 5." Coach entered the locker room, cutting Alyssa off. I was kind of glad he did, I don't know if I wanted to hear what she was going to say. I was slightly worried, Alyssa was going to suggest that Emily knew about my feelings and that was not something I wanted to face right now. The music was turned off and everyone started to pack their stuff. Emily's locker was next to mine, I glanced at her to once again find her looking at me. She sent me a small smile which I actually managed to return before looking away. It was brief, but it was progress.  

---

Emily sat down next to me on the floor, her shoulder just touching mine. I tensed slightly at the touch before relaxing. There was something about her touch that was warming, relaxing even despite my heart feeling like it was going to beat out of my chest. It had been a long day so we had decided on a movie night for team bonding. Emily must have been pretty tired or something because she was quiet again even when they were picking the movie. Normally, there would be fights between Emily, Rose, Kelley and a few of the other girls about the movie choice. Emily didn't join in this time, it made me briefly think that something was wrong. I wanted to ask, but knew it wasn't my place, I'm pretty sure Emily still thought I hated her. I hadn't said anything to her since after the game.

When they picked a horror I couldn't help tuck my legs against my chest, hiding my face in my knees. Horror movies were something I couldn't do at all, they freaked me out more than I had ever admitted to anyone. There was no way for me to watch them without getting nightmares for days.

"Hey, let's pick a different movie. I'm not in the mood for a horror tonight," Emily spoke up, discreetly placing her hand on my back. Some of the girls groaned, but agreed and settled on a romance instead.

I leaned into her a bit so I could whisper without anyone hearing, "Thank you."

"Of course, are you okay?"

"Not a fan of horrors."

As the movie went on, I found myself leaning closer to Emily until eventually my head was leaning on her shoulder. Her head rested on top of mine, neither of us acknowledged the position we were in. There was a disappointment I couldn't push away as I watched the movie, as I watched the couple dance around the kitchen cooking dinner, going on dates and just having normal conversations. It was what I wanted with Emily, even as little as being able to have a proper conversation with her would be enough. "I don't hate you." I whispered before I could stop myself. Emily didn't say anything, but the light squeeze of my arm told me she heard it.

---

"Hey Y/n, come for a walk with me?" Emily asked quietly as we were leaving the meal room. I didn't say anything, but after a moment of hesitation followed her. If I wanted to be able to be friends with her, then I needed to push past the things that made me uncomfortable and unable to interact with her.

We walked down the street in silence, though despite everything it was comfortable. The last couple of weeks I had seen the more calm and quiet side of Emily, the side of her I seemed to be more comfortable with for the time being. Over time I hoped to become more comfortable with the extroverted side of her. "You say you don't hate me, why don't you talk to me?"

After a couple of minutes without replying, Emily spoke up again, "You don't have to tell me, I know there's a reason, there has to be, but if you're not ready then I understand."

"I um, I don't um do well with e-e-extrovertedness."

"I'm not the only extrovert on the team."

I couldn't tell her the real reason. I thought about just doing it, but I physically couldn't. So I went with telling a small lie instead. It didn't feel good. Emily was being so understanding, so patient and I couldn't even be honest about not being ready to tell her. "I know. I-I don't know why you're the one I can't talk to properly."

"That's okay Y/n, I'm just glad you're actually talking to me at all. It sucked thinking you hated me and not knowing why."

"I'm sorry. I am working on it. It uh helps when you're calmer."

"Yeah, I'm starting to get that. Look, if you're trying then I'll try harder. Maybe we can hang out more, I won't be so-"

A small, teasing smile made it's way onto my face, "Crazy?"

Emily snorted, nudging my shoulder, "Something like that."

---

"So you and Emily went for a walk? By yourselves? Did you talk?"

"Um yeah, we talked a little bit. I told her at the movie night that I didn't hate her and she asked today why I don't talk to her if I don't hate her." I filled her in on the rest of what we talked about, about wanting to tell her what I felt, but not being able to.

"You're making great progress Y/n, sure it's slow, but it's something. Maybe one day you'll be able to tell her how you feel."

"Honestly, Alyssa I don't see the point in telling her, she won't feel the same way. I'm happy just being friends with her."

"Y/n, she stares at you all the time. Either you are really interesting, have something on your face all the time or she likes you."

I laughed quietly at her face comment before sighing, "I doubt it. Up until like yesterday Emily thought I hated her, there's no way she likes me."

"Just, don't completely throw out the possibility of her liking you back."

My phone buzzed, a smile appearing when I saw Emily's name. Alyssa raised her eyebrow at me, but I ignored her to read Emily's text.

Emily: Hey, since you have trouble talking to me in person I thought maybe we could try texting?

Y/n: I think that might be okay

"Emily I take it?"

"She decided texting would be the way to go since I can't talk to her."

---

It had been a few days since Emily first texted me. Since then we had been texting pretty much every chance we got even when we were in the same room. We talked about a lot of different things, from our childhoods, dreams and random things like what happened that day. The more I got to know her, the more I seemed to fall for her and the more I disliked myself for not being able to talk to her properly. I had been able to talk to her a few more times in person, they weren't long conversations, but it was something. I was able to text her when she was being hyperactive, but I still couldn't talk to her. It was late, Alyssa was asleep and it was an off day tomorrow so Emily and I were still texting.

Y/n: I saw a bird dive at a kid today, is it bad that I laughed so hard at it?

Emily: Maybe, but honestly I laughed hard just thinking about it. I got to pat an adorable puppy today.

Y/n: You know that's kind of what you remind me of

Emily: A puppy? I'm not sure if that's a good thing....

Y/n: I don't mean it in a bad way. You're just always overly excited, love attention, cute and love sleep.

Emily: Did you call me cute?

Y/n: Maybe...

Emily: Do you think you can tell me now why you can't talk to me?

Emily: You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but I know you weren't telling me the truth when you said you didn't know why. I could tell by the look on your face.  

I had gotten bold and look where that got me. What if she knew that I liked her? I didn't know what to do, I could just do it now and get it over with. I mean if she knew then it wouldn't matter when she found out. I would likely lose her anyway. It would avoid more heartbreak then necessary. Before I could overthink it I wrote the text and sent it then froze with fear as I realised what I had done.

Y/n: I like you Em, more than friends.

With each passing second I started panicking more, everything that she could be thinking running through my head. Also, wondering what the heck I was thinking by telling her over text about my feelings. Emily deserved to be told in person, not in a bloody text, but I didn't even have the guts to do that. Hell, I could still barely talk to her in person, yet I had just confessed to liking her.  

Emily: Can you meet me in the hallway?

After a minute of debating, I decided to just face whatever was coming. I slowly snuck out of the room to find Emily standing outside the door. Before I could say anything she cupped my cheeks and connected our lips. Of course I froze. Emily pulled back, thumb stroking my cheek. I lent into her touch, eyes closed to avoid looking at her.

"Hey, don't freak out, don't overthink. It's okay, I've got you. I promise you I feel the same Y/n."

I nodded as Emily pulled me into her arms, "I've got you."

After a minute or so Emily pulled away to cup my cheek again, I nodded, leaning in slightly. Emily closed the rest, our lips connecting again. This time I relaxed into her, enjoying the way her lips felt against mine. The softness of her hand on my cheek, the gentleness of her touch, the small smile on her lips as she pulled away. I looked at her, my own smile forming. Out of everything I had imagined would happen, this was the last one I expected to actually happen. I still wasn't sure that this wasn't a dream.

Emily chuckled, "I think this is the longest you've ever looked at me."

"Well, longest with you looking back. That sounds creepy, um I-"

"Don't worry, I was doing the same thing. I'm sorry for kissing you straight away, it know it was out of no where, but I saw your expression and knew you were freaking out."

"I'm glad you did Em, I was completely freaking out. Look um I don't know how I'll be around you when you're hyperactive, I'm not someone who talks to random people or likes to hang out with lots of people."

She stroked my cheek softly before placing a quick peck to my lips, "I know. I get that Y/n, really I do. I don't expect you to be the same as me, I like you the way you are. We'll work this out together."

---

Emily and I were sitting on the floor in a secluded corner of the hotel floor. I was leaning against her, head resting on her shoulder with her arm around me, "You're comfy."

Emily laughed, pressing a kiss to my head, "I'm glad. We can't stay here all night though."

"I know, you could come stay with me," I mumbled quietly. Now she was cuddled up with me, I didn't want it to end. She was warm and made me feel safe. It was everything I wanted since I met her.

"You have a roommate."

"Alyssa knows about my feelings for you, she's the one who convinced me to try harder with talking to you."

"Guess I should be thanking her then. I love that you're talking to me now, all it took was a kiss," She laughed, holding me a bit closer, "I can come cuddle for a bit, but I'll need to get back before Lindsey wakes up."

"You uh don't have to if you don't want to. I was mostly kidding."

Emily tucked a piece of hair behind my ear, "Trust me, there's nothing else I want."

We snuck back into the room being careful not to wake Alyssa. I place a few kisses kisses to Emily's lips before cuddling into her, a huge smile present. Who would have thought a second of boldness would end up with this happening? I still found it a bit hard to believe that Emily liked me considering I hardly ever talked to her, but I decided to push that away and just enjoy being with her. I must have fallen asleep because when I was woken up by Alyssa moving around the room. Emily was gone, but that was to be expected. I checked my phone to find a text from her.

Emily: Good morning beautiful, I hope you slept well ❤️ I snuck back to my room. You looked so peaceful and I didn't want to wake you. I'm going to sleep a little longer, but do you want to get brunch with me this morning?

Y/n: Good morning Em, I slept amazing (think you had something to do with that) I'd love to get brunch with you. Text me when you wake up :)

"So Emily stayed over last night," Alyssa stated nonchalantly making me look up.

"Uh yeah. I don't want to say you were right, but she knows how I feel and we may have kissed."

"No fucking way, you told her? Y/n, I'm so happy for you."

"I may have told her over text."

"Hey, that's better than nothing I suppose."

---

"You ready?" I asked walking up to Emily who was waiting in the lobby.

"Let's go." As we walked Emily was going on excitedly about some show her and Lindsey had watched. I wasn't really listening, more so enjoying listening to her talk. This was the first step in getting used to her hyperactive and overly excited side. "You okay babe?"

"I'm fine, why?"

"You just seem quiet."

I chuckled, "I'm always quiet."

Emily rolled her eyes, nudging my shoulder, "Well yeah, but you just seem quieter. Am I being too loud? Talking too much? I can stop."

I stopped, turning to face her. I never wanted Emily to think she was too much. Sure, it was an adjustment since I had never dated an extrovert, but I would get there. I mean I could handle being around extroverts everyday with the team so it would be fine dating her, "No, please don't think or worry about that Em. I don't want you to change who you are because of me, I like who you are. I've always been a listener more than a talker, I like listening to you talk. Now, let's go eat, I'm starving."

Emily was looking at me with a dopey smile which made me feel a little bit self conscious, "What?"

"Nothing, I'm just happy. Happy that we're here, happy that we're together and you're talking to me."

"Can I ask you something? How do you like me when you thought I hated you?"

"At first I just thought you were beautiful, then you started being more comfortable around the team and started showing who you were. Even though you didn't talk to me, I could see how kind you were, how much you cared about everyone, how funny you were. Then when we started texting and I got to know you more, I knew I was screwed. I didn't need to talk to you, to like you." I reached over to take her hand. It made me feel better hearing her say why she liked me. It was one of those things that I had been overthinking since we got together.

---

Emily came skipping up to me, holding her hand out, "Dance with me."

"W-what?"

She knelt down in front of me, lacing her fingers with mine, "You don't have to, but I would really like it if you would. I even played a slower song."

I took a deep breath before standing up, my free hand going to her hip, "I'm leading."

Emily laughed, her free arm wrapping around my shoulder. Everyone else was dancing all over the place while Emily and I danced slowly. I was nervous, this wasn't something I did, especially not in a locker room filled with people. Emily made me feel safe though, safe enough to speed up our dancing a bit until we were dancing more like the rest of the girls. Our hands never disconnected as we danced. I admit that I was having at least a little bit of fun. Eventually it was time to shower so I squeezed her hand and left. After my shower, I stopped by the door when I overheard yet another conversation.

"Are we missing something?" What sounded like Kelley asked.

"Yeah, when did you and Y/n get close? I thought Y/n hated you Emily?" Lindsey added. I was interested to see what Emily was say about it. Would she tell them about our relationship or some other excuse. I'm not sure what I wanted her to tell them, was I ready for everyone to know? Was Emily ready for them to know?

"She never hated me, it was just a misunderstanding. We talked it out. I just need to be a little less crazy around her sometimes." I guess she wasn't ready to tell them yet. I decided it was time to come back out. Emily sent me a smile which I returned with a small one of my own.

Emily dropped back beside me as we walked to the bus, nudging my shoulder with hers, "You heard that?"

"I did. You didn't tell them about us. Which is okay by the way, we can wait until you're ready."

"It's not that Y/n. I just didn't know how you feel about them knowing yet. Thought we should talk about it first."

Our fingers intertwined discreetly between us, "I'm not opposed to it Em, it's just a bit scary."

"What's scary about it?"

"You know the girls. They'll get excited, they'll have so many questions."

"They'll bombard us, that's the part that scares you?" I nodded, "I'll always be by your side Y/n, if they get to much then I'll tell them to back off."

"I know you will. I'm ready if you are." I pulled Emily closer, letting her close the gap between us if she was ready. She smiled, connecting our lips in a quick kiss. We pulled away to find no one, but Alyssa had even noticed, all caught up in the conversations they were having. "I was sure that would work."

Emily smirked, "Let's have some fun, see how long it takes them to notice."

It took about 3 days until everyone finally noticed and we weren't being subtle about it. We would hold hands, cuddle, leave kisses on each others cheeks, even the occasional peck on the lips. A few of the girls such as Ali, Ash and Alex had noticed quite quickly, but had played along, even making bets on how long it would take. I was right, we were bombarded with questions as soon as everyone noticed. I managed to handle most of them, but Emily cut them off when I started to play with her fingers and bouncing my knee. There was still the occasional question, though it settled down pretty quickly.

The day they found out about us, I went back to my room to find Alyssa packing her bags. "What are you doing?"

"We're swapping rooms. I'll be rooming with Lindsey, Emily will move over here."

"Thank you Lys."

"Don't get used to it, but given how you two were before the other night, I think it will help you two start your relationship properly, so you can get more comfortable with her. I'm so proud of how far you've come Y/n."

"Things changed when she kissed me. Its still hard sometimes, there's a lot I need to work on, but I feel safe with her."

Emily knocked on the door, leaving a quick kiss on my lips before turning to Alyssa and thanking her. Alyssa pulled her into a hug. She probably didn't mean for me to hear what she whispered, but I did, "You hurt her and I will hurt you worse, understand?"

Emily nodded frantically, pulling away and standing next to me. Alyssa smiled, pulling me into a quick hug, "Have fun, see you at dinner."

Once Alyssa had left, I burst out laughing making Emily pout, "You looked terrified."

"You're mean. Alyssa is scary."

I pulled her in, connecting our lips in a lingering kiss, "Sorry Em."

Her arms crossed over her chest, pout returning, "Nope, apology not accepted."

I connected our lips in a slightly longer kiss this time, tongue running along her lips as I pulled away, "What about now?"

"Almost."

I smirked, connecting our lips again while guiding her back until she fell back on the bed. I straddled her waist, tongue slipping into her mouth. She let out a quiet moan which I think just became my second favourite sound after her laugh. I pulled away, leaving a few kisses in her neck, "Am I forgiven now?"

"Y-yes." Emily went to flip us over, but I wouldn't let her. I laced our fingers together, pinning them above her head. I may be shy and introverted, but I was not one to be told what to do.

"Nuh uh," I whispered, leaning down to connect our lips again. My hands slipped under her shirt, running along her stomach. Emily pulled away, stopping my hands.

"Y-Y/n, I-I can't, I-I'm not-"

"Shh it's okay, we don't have to go past this yet if you're not ready."

Her hands slipped under my shirt, tracing small circles, "It's not that, believe me. I got my period this morning so we have to wait."

"That's okay baby. Let me know if I can do anything. Let's watch a movie and cuddle."

Emily kissed me again before I moved off her to sit against the headboard. She lay with her head in my lap as I ran my fingers through her hair. Emily picked a random movie, I didn't really care, I was just content being with her. Things had changed so quickly, it was still scary, but I was happy.

[cloudyyoimiya]

HEAR ME OUT.. SCENARIO ABOUT DAZAI WITH A GN S/O LIKE AUBREY FROM OMORI??

oh my word i love this! i didn’t get too far into omori myself so i had my friend help me out on this! also i couldn’t get all of my thoughts out with just a scenario, so i hope you don’t mind a few headcanons! thank you for your request!

With a S/o Like Aubrey from Omori; Osamu Dazai

Format: Headcanons and Scenario

Possible Warnings: Mentions of anxiety, suicide mentions (Dazai), spoilers for Omori(?)

To start off, Dazai would absolutely love the energy you give off; especially if you’re more on the cheerful side! He loves how energetic you can get over something that peaks your interest!

Sometimes if you freak out over small things, he’ll find it funny. If you ever catch him laughing about this you’ll either calm down immediately or get a little angry. There’s no in between.

If you ever do get angry and lash out, Dazai would be there to try and calm you down. He’d put a hand on your shoulder, or if you’re comfortable with it, he’d hug you and attempt to tell you that everything is all right.

The same thing happens if something goes wrong and you try to distance yourself from your friends or him. He’d be there to comfort you in a heartbeat and he’d make sure that you don’t make any rash decisions. Dazai would also make sure that you aren’t too hard on yourself as well.

If you happen to be clumsy like Aubrey, Dazai will always be there to catch you when you fall. Though, he will find it amusing that you can trip over seemingly nothing. Sometimes he’d catch you and you’d see him smirking.

Sometimes if Dazai gets distracted from a case, you’d have to redirect him. It’s not a simple task, but it’s able to be done.

Here’s some food for thought; imagine if you were in the Port Mafia. You were an executive and you ran a small squad much like the Hooligans that Aubrey leads. Of course your small squad would be more… professional, but still. I’d like to think that this kind of thing drew Dazai in the first place.

Now, I won’t write the mafia scenario today, but maybe I will later if I’m asked to. <3

Scenario…

Today you and your boyfriend were out running errands for the agency. Originally Dazai was asked to do this alone, but knowing him he wouldn’t do it unless you came along. You were slightly mad at him because you already had a lot of work to do. You had to write a few reports, you had to print out some documents… All boring things.

Dazai hooked his arm around yours as he lead you towards the next shop you had to visit. You sighed at the contact. Despite how much you liked going outside to explore, running errands with Dazai was always a bore. He’d always get side tracked and you’d have to redirect him.

“Oh, we’re here,” you said as you two arrived at the store. “Do you wanna wait outside?”

“I could never leave you alone, my love!” Dazai exclaimed, acting as if he was offended by your question. “Plus, if I did you’d somehow run into trouble!”

Your eye slightly twitched at the thought. “Yeah, alright fine. C’mon.”

You practically dragged Dazai into the store. You then walked down the aisles, looking for a specific sweet that Ranpo wanted. Apparently this candy was getting rare since the company was going out of business.

You eventually grabbed everything that you needed to. Dazai had been talking your ear off about anything and everything, trying to make you engage in a conversation while you were concentrating. You did give him short and sweet answers, yes, but you also wanted to bash his head with the baseball bat that you always carried around with you.

“—And then Kunikida was all like, ‘Oh no Dazai! You can’t try to kill yourself on the job!’ with such a mad expression! He then hit me with his book of ideals on top of my beautiful head! I just can’t believe him!” Dazai ranted on. “I truly think that he hates me!”

You had arrived at the cash register, groceries in hand. “No, really? What makes you say that?”

You started to pay for the groceries, giving the cashier your credit card. The transaction went through and the two of you left the store quickly.

“Kunikida is always foiling my suicide attempts! It’s really starting to get on my nerves!”

You silently chuckled at his antics. “Maybe he just cares for you, Osamu.”

Dazai sighed. “If he cared he’d let me—“

You playfully smacked the back of his head.

“We need to head back soon.”

“Ow! That hurt!” Dazai whined.

The walk back contained Dazai blabbering on and on about rather mundane topics. You of course blabbered back once he reached a topic you liked. 

You walked up the stairs to the agency, almost tripping on a few of the steps. Dazai caught you one time at the top of the stairway. Embarrassed, you slightly yelled at him. He only smiled and led you back to your desk.

“You really need to work on your balance, you know. I won’t be able to catch you each time.”

“Oh would you shut up?!”

Requests are open!

[gowns]

In regards to your repression post: aside from the obvious answer (therapy) what are some exercises or things we can do to tackle/acknowledge/defeat repression? If you can suggest any.

i think it really is so individual to different people. therapy will help (it helped me; i found a very progressive therapist who is familiar with trauma). a lot of self-reflection.

for me: reading about zen helped. i'm not very good at meditating (too much bonkers stuff going on up there) but i really like reading about zen concepts and what people get out of it. books that i read that helped me grasp zen were, in this order, the long quiet highway, you are here, nothing special, then goodbye things and the concept of minimalism (what are the things in your life that matter to you, and what is clutter?). also, previously i have been helped by reading books about how trauma manifests in your body, like "the body keeps the score," but now i know that guy is problematique so i would check out alternative books like what my bones know.

that was all kind of like the baseline stuff that was scaffolding for helping me get to a better position to grasp what came to me last year...

... which was a deeper understanding of my own sexuality, identity, how i relate to other people, how i present, feeling embodied instead of disassociating, actually feeling sensations instead of it all being mental. in other words, a deeper acceptance of the fact that i am gay and that queer sex makes me whole.

now, for me, that all started with deep vulnerable conversations with friends about sexuality, identity, desires, dreams. long, long conversations. having more LGBTQ friends. being more in community with people. putting myself out there more, not isolating myself, feeling like an island unto myself.

--

i must repeat: i think that the seed for unrooting repression can be many different things, for many different people.

for me, i found myself in a position where i was a parent of two, in a seemingly cis hetero marriage, experiencing years of isolation. this isolation was mostly self-imposed! my partner has always been very supportive of me in anything i wanted to do. i just had no concept of my own wants and desires anymore. i had been in a caretaker role for so long that any concept of a personal "want" was buried deep underground.

how did this happen? i have always been against the status quo, in concept. but i felt a nebulous social pressure to "perform" motherhood, marriage, nuclear family structure, to wear makeup a certain way, to have sex a certain way... i was living in an unquestioned "normalcy" which was actually actively harmful to me.

i am usually coy about this on this blog, but i'll tell you right out, i started actively dating again and engaging with new sexual ideas and i was astonished that it just... made me feel so real, so myself, in a way that years of therapy and different medications have never done.

over the past several years, in periods of re-experiencing trauma or being triggered, i felt asexual. i would often have to be very drunk or very high to enjoy sex. i felt separate from my body.

now i feel whole again. i feel lit up all over.

like: i sat down and tried to learn the piano this year, and i was amazed that for the first time, in a very long time, there was a connection between my brain, my hands, my ears, and i was capable of being fully embodied in that way too, being able to use my hands to make music, having the plasticity in my brain to learn new things.

--

tldr: i think the answer is different for everyone. for me, it was embracing my nature as an unabashed flirt and local lothario. for you? it could be writing a love song and performing it. it could be finally writing the book laced with details of family secrets you've always been afraid to write. it could be just, like, buying a leather harness, and enjoying the sensation of the leather against your skin. we're only here once (in this form of consciousness)! enjoy the ride!

[daniigrimm-blog]

Yeah Boy & Doll Face, this is Bulletproof Love so Throw a Match into Water cos Today I Saw The Whole World and it's The Jaws of Life

Pierce the Veil did the walk of shame out of a tour with All Time Low in 2017 and that same year announced that drummer Mike Fuentes would be leaving the band; they cited that they wanted a safe feeling environment for their younger fanbase and honestly in the six or so years that the two girls that came forward with receipts and allegations really nothing has been done and that is a shame. A couple to a few years ago (not sure on exact date) they did a quarantine video featuring the drummer however and they have yet to remove his image from their Epic Win playlist but I do digress, it does seem the band has been trying to turn over a new leaf and move on sans Mike Fuentes.

That being said, let's do a deep delve into what exactly has been up with Pierce the Veil--active members are now Victor Fuentes (guitar), Tony Perry (Lead Guitar), and Jaime Preciado (Bass).

So what have these guys been up to the last decade?! Well it seems they were busy growing and having families. That's right ladies, sorry to say--these three starling studs are currently off the market. Sad, I know, but that's not why we're fucking here. We are here for the music. I did think that it was very sweet that Vic, Jaime, AND Tony settled down with seemingly the loves of their lives and that Danielle, Vic's wife, recently gave birth to their first baby Violet Valentine Fuentes! I'm excited for them and their newest adventure together as new parents. As a parent myself I wish nothing but the very best for them and as someone who can no longer make these cute little babies, I am certainly excited for whatever pics they have to share.

Now let's talk music.

Where were you on February 10th, 2023 when The Jaws of Life dropped? i was in my room, I know rather anticlimactic but, I am always in my room. Introversion aside, I remember putting on my headphones and gearing up to rock out to PTV's newest jams and my god was I not disappointed.

In an interview for Blabbermouth.net Fuentes says: "This album has truly brought us closer than we've ever been. It was extremely difficult for us to be off the road and apart for so long. We've never missed anything more than playing music together and never had such an strong appreciation for recording, touring, and simply being in the same room together than we do now. 'The Jaws Of Life' is about how life can sink its teeth into you and try to devour you. The negativity in the world and within your mind can be a vicious thing. We're extremely grateful for this record, our fans, and the opportunity to play live music again."

The first single release from the new album, was Pass the Nirvana--let's start here. Clowncore visuals aside (I am deathly afraid of clowns!) I'd say the music video takes me right back to a 90s grunge era when I was a stinky teenager watching TRL on my couch. Flash warning, for the sensitive.

“‘Pass the Nirvana’ is about the many horrible traumas that the youth of America have endured over the past few years. COVID, no proms, no graduations, an insurrection, school shootings. The list goes on. Their lives have been tossed around like clothes in a dryer, as the tensions within our country have infiltrated our own homes, friends, and families. To me, the song represents a euphoric detachment from all of that anxiety and stress and about finding some form of peace or nirvana.”

That tracks. The grungy guitar riffs and metaphorical lyrics really tie this track together in a pretty plaid bow. There were a lot of things this year that made me question what year it was, but I'd relive the 90s again as adult this time--why not? could be fun, some of the trends were neat.

The second single on the album is throwing the same vibes; albeit the song is different in many ways as the first single. For instance, both are desperate situations with meaningful lyrics. Both have underlying 90s grunge rock vibes. But Emergency Contact is essentially about a pair of lovers; one is ready to move their relationship further and is frustrated with the other who is still unsure if they should. Vic Fuentes tells you the meaning in his own words here. It's a lovely melody that I think is comparable to their collide with the sky style. Which was also very nice to hear again.

Now that brings me to their third single off their Fifth album (Fearless Records) , The Jaws of Life, Even When I'm Not With You. This is my FAVORITE out of the three singles so far, but I am as HUGE sucker for a good rock ballad.

“This song was inspired by a text my manager sent me while I was going through a rough time. I thanked her for being there for me, and she said, ‘Even when I’m not with you, I’m still with you.’ That phrase touched my heart and inspired me to write a love song dedicated to my wife about no matter how far away I am on tour, I’m still devoted to her, and we will always be connected through our love.”

The lyrics are sweet, the looping riff is melodic and wonderful and I 100% love this track. Favorite track on the album? No, sorry--but definitely my favorite listed of the three singles. If you hate Gold Medal Ribbon or the vibes thrown on Misadventures then I don't want to hear anything you have to say. Your opinion is sadly invalid here on my blog, move along.

How many tracks are on The Jaws of Life? 12.

So we've already been over tracks 2-4, no need to readdress those. Let's go back to the Death Of An Executioner.

“The visual of this song, to me, is a car that’s following you—like the video for ‘Karma Police’ by Radiohead. It’s got its headlights on your back, and it’s just kind of slowly creeping on you. To me, it represents social media and people expecting perfection out of you and always waiting for you to make a mistake so they can run you down and destroy you. I like the title ‘Death of an Executioner’ because it describes killing the person who’s trying to kill you.”

Hello Alt Rock/Rock Electronica Radiohead influences! YES, I am HERE for it 100%. The harmonizing laid over vocals just work. And the filter effect over Fuentes' voice is mesmerizing. Kinda partial to the repeating of "blood red moonlight" as a good scene setter too--just GREAT imagery here. Plus, have you listened to it yet? You should--the song goes really hard.

Flawless Execution. It's the fifth track. on the fifth album.

“This one’s kind of hard to describe. I feel like it’s about people blurring the lines between love and sex and vice versa. It’s almost about when you’re OK with being used because you want to be close to the person so badly. You want love so badly that you’re actually OK with being used or abused, kind of like the Bill Withers song ‘Use Me.’ So, it’s about those extremes that we go to just to be validated. If you’re always desiring someone’s approval, it can go to some toxic places.”

"I'll scar you with my flawless execution every time." This. is actually one song that really caught my ear the first time I heard it. Man what a smooth earworm it really is! And that chorus really hooks you. Not sure what that says about me, now knowing the meaning of the song (fuck it I already kinda knew what it implied), nah--it really doesn't change my mind. This song slaps. It's definitely one to put on and really enjoy.

So far, I really think that consistently this band has grown with each album release and that really says something. Personally, their Dance Gavin Dance/Myspace screamcore on A Flair for the Dramatic wasn't my favorite (I know Ill get hate for that) but they were still growing as people and as a band. After doing infinite amount of touring and getting to know other musicians/bands they did some dabbling and grew into Selfish Machines--Besitos really hooked me. And it just got better from there my dudes! Hold the freaking phone! When Collide With The Sky and new doors and opportunities were opening for them--that was it for me. I was a fan. Misadventures , which won album of the year in 2017 circulated so many times on my playlist that I lost count. And then--radio silence. Man, when the allegations dropped I was heartbroken.

For a long time I did not support a band that I loved because of one person doing a misdeed and that was not fair. Not fair to the people who weren't involved, and not fair to me personally because of what their art does for me. When they finally addressed things and booted that rootie tootie from the band, I almost threw confetti into the air! They did the right thing, for those girls, for the fandom, and for the band. Now, they could begin to grow--and GROW THEY DID.

It took just short of a decade but we finally got NEW Pierce the Veil, and man am I just so happy with what they have given us. That finally brings me to the title track, The Jaws of Life.

“It’s about trying to get released from life’s grip and finding your way. There’s a line in it where I say I’m having the time of my life rotting in the sun, inside the jaws of life. It’s trying to be OK with where you are and starting to feel happy again—I’m making my way, and I know that I can see some light. There’s a lot of ’90s influence in this song musically, which I’m super stoked on. The verse feels like Tripping Daisy or Superdrag—I was thinking about their song ‘Sucked Out’ a lot when I was writing this one.”

That is super befitting because so far I can hear all the 90s undertones and influences from track 1 to the title track. Superdrag, Tripping Daisy, Smashing Pumpkins, Radiohead, Bush, Soundgarden, and a little Nirvana. These are great fucking influences to have and man, I love that they are just spinning them into their own modern grunge pop and I am here for it. As a fan of many different types of rock and pop I have to say this is taken and done--and it is done well. Kudos to production and underlying bts workers/musicians that put their time and effort into this. This album is fully flushed out, very well produced, and thematic from track one to track twelve. Just pure perfection.

This is what went into the Production of PTV's fifth studio album.

The seventh track on the album is quite possibly my favorite. It's consistently stuck in my head no matter what I do to get it out but I'm not even really trying at this point--it's too good. It can take up rent free space in my head for as long as it possibly desires to--because jesus fuck it is glorious! It's called Damn The Man, Save The Empire.

“I’ve been trying to use this title for years, but it’s never felt right until now. It’s a quote from one of my favorite movies, Empire Records. Lyrically, it’s about how no one can really know who you are until they’ve really spent some time with you. I feel that way sometimes when people follow our band on social media and think they have me pegged, but you’re seeing what I want you to see, not who I fully am. So, it’s just reminding people about that superficial experience.”

Instrumentally this combines grungey hard guitars with dreamy vocals that portray that same kind of dreamy vibe that social media gives you with a filter on it. "No one like us anyway..." is another relatable vibe but im starting to get that not everyone is built to be an extrovert and you only live one life--so why spend it trying to please people that don't like you when they don't matter? Great song. Even better message.

Track 8 is called Resilience.

“With this song, I had this vision of that classic scene in the movies when the hand pops out of the dirt after they’ve been buried alive, and the person starts pulling their body up to the surface. It’s like when you’re digging your way out of this hole, and your eyes finally see the sun and they adjust. Also, one of my most proud moments on this record is that we got to use a quote from Dazed and Confused to start the song. We actually had to have the actors approve that. It was such a win for the album.”

It starts off with a familiar scene from a movie most of us grew up with. I don't know about the children today, but I don't really care. It's a cult classic and Idgaf what the kids younger than me have to say about it really. The acoustic guitar is melodic and almost waltz like, and vic's crooning swoony voice wraps this song up nicely. "It's odd that I-keep runnin into spiderwebs, runnin into spiderwebs at night." was a really neat lyric I picked up on in that song. Very neat visuals.

Track 9 is called Irrational Fears . It's a 20 second interlude of an air flight assistant talking over an intercom. I don't really have much to say about this.

Vic said this:

“This is an interlude that sets up the next song. It was inspired by that first scene in the movie Garden State, with Zach Braff, where he’s on a plane that’s going down and everyone is freaking out around him, but he’s perfectly calm. We wanted to set the scene with this British flight attendant being all chipper but saying really dark things. Jaime made the music, and then my friend who’s a voice actor recorded the voiceover in London. It was a fun challenge, and I’m really proud of how it came out.”

Track 10 is called Shared Trauma and it's vapidly becoming one of my favorite PTV tracks. I guess personally, it touches very close to home. My family hasn't had the easiest life up until now, we have a lot of shared trauma but it's made us closer because of it--and it's certainly helped us grow knowing that.

“The title kind of speaks for itself. I’ve always felt that shared trauma and going through a traumatic experience with somebody can be one of the strongest bonds in human existence. Knowing that you’ve both been through something together will always connect you in such a powerful way. I think that’s beautiful—it’s the good that can come out of the bad. Musically, it was very much a collaborative band effort that came out of this loopy analog beat that Jaime sent me. It was really fun to write.”

So Far, So Fake starts off with couple of slow arpeggios that set the mood for the song which is cut into like a knife by Vic's sharp vocals to form a smooth even climb through the rest of the melody. The chorus is catchy, man, and does it stick if you let it. It's a hit. 100%. If they were to make another music video off this album, I would get in line to watch this one (but who are we kidding? I would get in line to watch any videos they decided to make as long as Mike isn't in them.)

“This song was written in 2017, so we’ve had it for a long time. It was one of the only ones that made it from some of the first writing sessions we did before the pandemic. It’s about if you’ve ever been betrayed by somebody you felt was a friend, and the wound never really mended—where even an apology doesn’t feel like it’s enough. It feels like it can never really be resolved. So, it’s a bit angry, a bit sour, a bit difficult to think about. But I always want to write about things that are affecting my life.”

I do recall a time where Vic had mentioned he was cheated on by someone who wasn't exactly exclusive with him? I don't remember the interview exactly but I do remember hearing it. Maybe that applies here. Maybe and I'm not saying this to start anything--it hits even closer to home and it's about Mike and what he did. They are family, and the band did lose out on a member. I imagine that would affect everyone very deeply and there would be wound that needed healing. I'm glad though, whatever the case, that Vic was able to get this out--it seemed he needed to. Music can be very therapeutic. Not just to us but to the artists who create it especially.

The final track on the album is called 12 Fractures and it is a lovely duet between Victor and an artist named Chloe Moriondo. She/They have never come up on my radar before but some how are an active member on the emo scene. She's/They've hung out with everyone from the likes of All Time Low, and Simple Plan, and now to Pierce the Veil and I love her/them for it. And can I just say that Her/Their voice is just wonderful. It's safe to say, I love this song.

Shout out to all the legal smokers of medicinal 420. I cannot wait til they federally legalize. We just need to move forward as a society but I digress, "Oh thank god for THC" is one lyric grab I loved from this song but it's just one. And it makes it all that more relatable.

“The song was called ‘12 Fractures’ before it became the 12th song on the album. We didn’t plan it like that. I’m glad it worked out that way, but it also makes things confusing. I’m actually looking at our vinyl right now to make sure it doesn’t just say ‘Fractures.’ But this one came from a deeply personal story about a friend of mine who went through a divorce. I watched two of my favorite people in the world just fall apart. When friends break apart like that, it’s like losing a family member. It’s super difficult, even as a bystander. It was cool to get Chloe on the song to bring the story to life. I’m a big fan of hers, and I think she did an amazing job.”

Now that I heard her/them on this song I will certainly be looking into her music because to be quite frank I just hadn't heard of her. I do love getting new music on my radar all the time though and this is usually how I find it. Artist collabs are SO so good for expanding the playlist repertoire-just trust me.

Did this convince you to go get The Jaws of Life and give it a listen? I sure hope so. It's fucking amazing on many levels. They did grow, they did change, and what they created is something I'll be blasting on my playlists for the next few years--but hey, let's maybe not make us wait another decade for new tunes next time guys? Pretty please?

Thanks.

D. Grimm

Sources:

here

here

here

here

here

here

here

here

here

here

here

here

here

here

Some may not be linked because of space in the post my apologies, they can be found with a simple google search.

[thecollectionsof]

goodesco + “are we locked in here?”

i'm so sorry these are so late!! they keep turning into around 1k word oneshots oops <3 hope that makes up for it!!

“Are we locked in here?” Bosco says, trying the handle again. It doesn’t budge. 

“Apparently,” Gigi replies, sliding down the wall to sit on the floor, exasperated. She was having a rough day already, and now she’s stuck in a room with Bosco—not that she didn’t like Bosco or anything, it was quite the opposite. Bosco was tall and intimidatingly pretty with a quick wit and contagious laugh. Bosco was a wheezing laugh and long legs and pointed brows.

She's not prepared to be stuck in a room alone with them. Not today, not tomorrow, and probably not ever, at this rate. It doesn't help that the only thing going through her head is Oh God, I’m nervous to talk to her.

Bosco turns around, coming to sit next to her against the wall. She pulls out her phone, seemingly shooting off a text or two, then puts it down. “Okay, well, it looks like we’ll be in here a while, then. Hi, I’m Bosco,” she introduces.

“I know,” Gigi replies, before she can even stop herself. She cringes and hurries to correct herself, “I mean, I’ve seen you around! Sorry, that sounded weird.”

Bosco laughs. It’s a contagious sound, and Gigi finds herself giggling along with her, even if she’s laughing at herself. “I’ve definitely seen you around, but I never caught your name. What’s your name, baby?”

Gigi feels her stomach flip at the pet name, and she replies, “Gigi. Gigi Goode.” 

“Pretty,” Bosco says, simply, “I like it.”

Gigi takes a moment to consider. Should I…?

“Thanks! Picked it out myself,” she grins, and it’s worth it for the way Bosco barks out a laugh. Bosco leans in every time they laugh, and Gigi decides that she wants nothing more than to make them laugh as much as possible for however long she has their attention.

“So did I! I don’t think you actually thought I was given the name Bosco, though,” they agree, a matching grin on their face.

“Maybe not. I like it, though.” She decides right then that she likes their smile just as much as she likes their laugh. It’s excited but there’s also something a bit shy about it, and it lights up her face beautifully.

Getting locked in a room with Bosco was doing nothing to help her get over her crush on the other girl.

“So, Gigi Goode,” Bosco starts, “tell me about yourself. Give me all the juicy details.” 

“Um… I’m 24? And I live with my friend Crystal in an apartment a few blocks away. Oh god, what’s a juicy detail? I like horror movies but I always get scared?”

Bosco nods. She looks genuinely interested, but she’s worried that she’s going to bore her, so she tries to find a way to end her monologue gracefully. “And I do wigs and stuff. Like, for drag queens, mostly, but sometimes not.”

She winces. So much for an eloquent ending. 

“What kind of horror movies? My favorite is Hellraiser, probably.”

“Nightmare on Elm Street. My last roommate’s dog was named Nancy after her, and I always called her Nancy Thompson when I'm mad at her, like when she pushed a jewelry box I bought for Crystal to the ground when I put it on a chair and it broke.” She stops for a second, coming back from her memory and blushing at her sudden inability to keep her mouth shut. “Sorry, that's super boring.”

“Don't apologize, it's cute,” she says, and Gigi's stomach swoops at the words, but she's not done. “Wait, you said Crystal… is there a chance that it’s Crystal Methyd?”

“Yeah, that’s right. How do you know Crystal?”

Bosco grins again, and if Gigi wasn’t so interested in how she knew her roommate she would’ve let herself soak up the moment. Maybe another time.

“That’s Daya’s half sister! My best friend, Daya Betty—”

“Oh my god, you know Daya?” she cuts her off, the joy of finding a shared connection making her lips pull up into a wide smile. Bosco’s echoing grin does nothing for the butterflies in her stomach.

“Yeah, she’s my best friend! I bully her all the time, I love her to pieces.”

So even after they got out of here, they might have a chance to talk to each other again. Gigi makes a note to ask Daya if she’s throwing a party soon—she suddenly feels like she shouldn’t have missed the last few. 

“I love Daya! I’ve been around her a lot because of Crystal, and I’ve been to a few of her parties, which are always fun.”

Bosco perks up even more somehow. “You have? Which ones? I’ve been going a lot more recently, I’ve was super busy before but I quit one of my jobs so now I—”

She’s cut off by a knock at the door.

“You guys still in there?” A voice sounds through the door, and Bosco snaps up, hoisting herself to her feet and stepping closer to the door to reply.

“Yeah. You think you can bust us out?” Gigi doesn’t know the voice on the other side of the door. She curses it for being here to get them out, even if she knew it would happen eventually.

There’s sounds of a key being turned in the lock, and then the door opens to a person that Gigi thinks she’s seen around before, but she’s not sure. “Okay, here. Hi, Bosco, you’re out now and I gotta go. Jorgeous is waiting on me,” she says, bouncing on the balls of her feet, and then she’s off before either of them can say anything else. Bosco snorts, looking amused, and turns to Gigi.

“That was Jasmine. She’s just like that,” they explain, and Gigi nods. 

“She has a lot of energy,” Gigi says, getting to her feet. She joins Bosco at the door, and she sighs to herself when she realizes that they’re poised to go the other way. 

The moment was over. Her chance with Bosco? Gone.

“Maybe I’ll see you around sometime?” Bosco asks, and Gigi nods. See knows it’s dumb, but she’s sad to be let out of the room. What were the odds that one fifteen minute conversation would actually get her anywhere with Bosco? They’d probably just wave at each other every once in a while and call it a day.

“Yeah! I’d like that,” she says, choking down all of the other things she’d rather say.

“I wish we were still stuck in the room, just so we could keep talking to each other.”

“I’ve wanted to talk to you for months and I wish I talked better so you would want to keep talking to me.”

“I want to go on a date with you because I love your smile and think you’re funny.”

“I don’t want to be just some person you pass in the halls.”

“I’d like that,” Gigi says again.

“Okay, well, I’ll see you on Monday, I guess,” Bosco takes a few steps backwards, and Gigi hopes that she’s not showing her disappointment on her face. 

“Yeah! Yeah, uh, see you Monday!” Her laugh sounds forced, but she can’t take it back now. She turns and walks down the hall, towards the stairs. She just has to go to her car and then she can go home and curl up on her bed and mope about everything—

“Wait, Gigi!” 

She looks back, and Bosco’s taking long strides to catch up to her. “Would you… could we talk more sometime? We could go grab coffee, or something. Like a date.” Bosco looks sheepish, and Gigi melts at the expression. Gone was the smooth talking, confident Bosco that intimidated her, instead leaving a shy grin and fidgeting hands. 

Gigi liked this version of Bosco, too. Gigi can feel her smile splitting her face, but she doesn’t care, too elated to worry about how she might look.

“If you’re free now…?” Gigi asks, and Bosco’s grin gets wider.

“Yeah! Yes.” Bosco nods emphatically. It makes her look like a bobblehead. It’s cute.

“It’s a date, then. Come on, let’s walk—I know a cute place a block or two away,” Gigi says, and Bosco falls into step beside her. She can’t keep the smile off her face, but she can see Bosco grinning triumphantly out of the corner of her eye, so she does nothing to stifle it. 

They’re on the same page.

[pbandjesse]

I have been influenced by the internet. I used to really love buying things on wish but I stop doing that a long time ago. Because I just kept buying nonsense. But Jess introduced me to a new website very similar to wish and I gave myself a $25 budget and I bought a couple goofy things. I'm still in my budget for the month. I barely done any shopping at all. So it was a silly decision but I don't feel too bad about it.

And today was a really good day. I wish I slept more. But I had a lot to do. Then tomorrow is going to be even more busy. Hopefully I can get a lot of rest tonight.

When I woke up this morning I felt a little annoyed. And honestly I've just been on this side of annoyed all day. For no real reason. I think I'm just tired. But I woke up and James made me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich while I got dressed. And very soon after I was stressed I was leaving to go to my doctor's appointment. I was a little stressed about it because you never really know how long these things are going to take. And I had to actually see the doctor today.

I've never been there on a Tuesday and the woman at the desk was different. But she was equally nice. And I got checked in pretty quickly. The woman next to me was huffing and puffing and being seemingly very upset about having to fill out paperwork. But very soon I was getting called back.

The medical assistant was as nice as always. I told him about my trip and how we just got back from camping and hiking and how great it was to not be in pain. And I encourage to look into the Amtrak trips because he wants to do some traveling as well. And then the doctor came in and we chatted for a while. I told her about the weird under skin pimples I've been getting just in case it was possibly a side effect but she told me she's been having that problem lately too and we now think it might just be the pollen in the air. And she told me it's hard to tell about my joints because I am so flexible but she was very encouraged by my blood work and the bit of inflammation in my back right now she isn't too concerned about. So that made me feel good. She said that I should just be careful picking up very heavy things. Which will probably be an issue setting up for camp tomorrow but ah well.

I got my injection and let them know that because of my honeymoon next month we're going to have to put my injection off a couple extra days but they said that that was okay. And then I went and made my appointment for the next 2 months and then I was heading out. Whole thing was about an hour.

So I still have plenty of time to go and get lunch before I had to be at the hospital for art with a heart.

But since I had so much time I decided I would go over to the art with our building and pick up tomorrow's materials. I ended up chatting with Jake for a few minutes while I was there as well. And then I went to have lunch.I drove down the road and went to Chipotle. Which was good but the person behind me was just getting a quesadilla. A small tortilla quesadilla. And they tried to charge him $9 for it. What the heck! He didn't get sides or anything. Just charging for a side tortilla What are you doing?? I left before it was resolved. But that was wild to me.

I ate my car and then I walked around Walgreens for a few minutes. And then I decided I would just go over to the hospital because parking is always an issue there. I had to circle the block a few times and eventually I just went up into the neighborhood. I parked and when I got out of the car a man smiled at me and it turned out he was one of the students and I just didn't recognize him without a mask on. We ended up both being there so early that the door was locked to the classroom so we sat and chairs outside and talked and I told him about the other classes that I do and he had lots of questions about what autism was. And so we talked about that for a long time and eventually the contact for the hospital came and let us in and she joined our conversation. We had another couple adults come in as students. But Julie wasn't there yet. The lead teacher. And I was a little concerned. We're supposed to be there 15 minutes beforehand but it was 1:00 and she wasn't there. So I found her phone number and I texted her just because I was like concerned that something was wrong. And I figured if she wasn't coming I could run to my car and get the project for tomorrow and just use those materials because we had students and I didn't know what to do. But thankfully Julie would come a couple minutes later. I'm not entirely sure what happened but I'm glad that she wasn't hurt. She was huffing and puffing though because she also hates being late. Absolutely understandable. But everybody was just looking forward to doing art. She let us through a guided meditation and then everyone started doing these interesting x-ray portrait pieces. And it was fun talking to people and encouraging them to work in different ways. It was neat I had a really nice time. We also just talked about the programs that I do at camp and some of their memories of camp as children. One of the women told us that when she was a child they took the church she went to to a camp and when they got there they told them that the pool wasn't open anymore because they were all black children and they didn't want the black and the white children to swim together. And she said that it was very painful. And it was just so vulnerable for her to share that with us. And I just am really glad that I'm getting this experience. They've all been such lovely people.

After class I finished helping Julie clean up and pack everything and then we walked to her car because she had some yarn for me. I was supposed to head to the museum next to meet with Merrill to go over some boxes for the research that we're doing to fact check the tours. And I was a little concerned about being late for that so I made sure I sent her a text as well. And then I was saying goodbye and heading back to my car. But I accidentally went the wrong way and got a little turned around. And then my feet hurt really bad but I made it back a little before 3:00.

I got to the museum at 3:15 but Merril texted me that her husband took the car and she didn't know and so it was going to be 45 minutes for her to walk there. And since nobody was answering me at the door anyway I decided that we would scrap it for today and tomorrow we would both just come early for our nighttime shift and see if we can get in there. She said that was a great idea. Merril's really cool though so I'm excited that we are collaborating and talking and stuff. It's nice to make friends.

I was very very thirsty though. I had a bottle of water with me but I had finished it already. My lips were just very very dry. I considered stopping and getting a drink but instead I just went home.

When I got back James was in their office and I was happy to see them but I was in a little bit of a mood. They had said they were going to clean the apartment and it didn't feel much cleaner than when I left it. And it's nothing that is huge I just think I was tired and grouchy. But they would come and lay in bed with me and brought me ice cream. And that made me feel better.

James would head to a baseball game after making pizza for us. And I gave myself another half an hour to lay in the bed and be a vegetable. Before getting up and making myself do some stuff. I worked on my prep for my workshop this weekend. And then I went to figure out my prints because I want to try digitally watercoloring them for the reprints of my Aesop's fables collection book. And then I started working on laying out the text for my commission from Rosia. I texted with her and she thinks maybe she wants gold thread instead of black. I told her the concerns about gold thread but that it's not impossible. So I will go to the store on Thursday hopefully and get those materials. And I was just really productive. I put some stickers on my other water bottle and picked up some stuff in the room. I made some progress on some small projects. It was a really good time. I was feeling really good.

I also went through the box that we keep in the trunk of the car. Got rid of stuff that has been sitting in there for forever and made some choices about what is necessary to keep in the car. And then I took a downstairs and I cleaned out the car a little bit. Just organized it a little bit better. And after that the sun was starting to go down.

Around 7:30 I took a bubble bath and use lots of oils and things and made my skin feel nice. And now I'm just laying in bed with sweetp. I'm getting pretty tired. James isn't home yet. But I just got a text from them and I'm glad that they are having fun. I think I'm going to go paint my toes and brush my teeth. Tomorrow I have a very busy day. I'm going on a tour of a quarry in the morning. Then I have to go to poo talk to set up Thursday's program. And then I have my art with heart class with crafted hands which is the MS group. And then I have my shift for a wedding at the museum. So it's going to be a long day. But fingers crossed that it is just really good. I have high hopes. I hope you all sleep very well tonight and you stay safe. Good night everybody.

[theangstmeister]

Hold Me Tight (Before I Let You Go) - Chapter Two

Please see masterlist for warnings

Present Day

“Oppa-nim, have you finished drawing my princess yet?” Soyeon asked, skipping across the room from in front of the television which was tuned into some kind of children’s show. 

“Soyeon-ah, don’t be rude,” her sister, Jiwon, scolded.

Jungkook smiled at Soyeon, the little girl was pouting with her chin on the table-top.

“Nearly. But you did make me do your hair halfway through,” he reminded her, flicking the tuft of hair. 

“I wanted to be like oppa-nim.” 

The landlord had turned up late that afternoon, Jungkook assumed when the girls had finished school, and begged Jungkook to watch them for half an hour- two hours ago. He didn’t particularly mind though, it wasn’t the first time he’d done so and they were easy enough to keep an eye on. Jiwon was quietly doing her homework while Soyeon, with her youthful confidence, had Jungkook sketching her pictures to colour in.

He finished off the crown before sliding the picture across to Soyeon. 

“Thank you, oppa-nim!” she said, giving Jungkook a quick hug around his waist before running back across the room to lie on the floor, a collection of Jungkook’s lesser used coloured pencils scattered around her. 

Jungkook wondered if he’d ever been that carefree- he didn’t think so. 

He pulled his sketchbook towards him to continue working on his sketch for class. More like start it. The prompt was simply “love” but the seemingly endless possibilities were crippling Jungkook. He knew he should probably do something based on Yoongi but he couldn’t get Taehyung out of his head. 

However, before he had chance to fall down that hole, he was interrupted by Jiwon. She hadn’t said anything but her pen has stopped scratching its way across her exercise book. He knew she was looking at him, he’d developed a great sense for when attention was on him from a young age. 

“Oppa-nim?” Jungkook looked up, acting surprised that she had called him. “Can I ask you something without you telling my dad?”

“Of course, Jiwon-ah. What is it?”

“Promise?”

Jungkook held his hand out to her across the table, his little finger raised, “I pinky promise.”

Jiwon hooked her little finger through his and shook their hands together vigorously. 

Releasing Jungkook’s hand, she glanced furtively over to her sister, checking that she was either engrossed in her colouring or the television. 

“Did your parents ever get divorced?”

It hadn’t been the question Jungkook had been expecting and if her parents were having marital problems, it certainly wasn’t something Jungkook felt comfortable talking about- not with the complicated relationship he had with her dad, his landlord. 

But he also remembered what it had been like to feel like you couldn’t talk to anyone. 

“No...but they argued a lot.”

That was the child-friendly way of putting it, and while Jiwon was sixteen, Jungkook had learnt that sixteen year olds really were still children in the ways that mattered. 

“How did you deal with it?”

“You have to find a way to block it out and look out for your sister, but I can’t tell you how to do that because I only had to look out for myself.” 

And Jungkook had never stopped doing that. 

“You told me once that you’ve got a brother.”

Jungkook hummed, nodding, “I do but he’s older so he looked after me, like you look after Soyeon.” 

That was of course a lie. Junghyun had been one of Jungkook’s tormentors, one of many, but always the one capable of hurting him the most. 

When they’d been younger, they’d gotten along well and Jungkook had trailed after his brother, learning from him in the way that younger siblings tended to do. He’d even been reasonably close to Yoongi, who had been his brother’s best friend since their first day at school together.

But then those three years between them had carried more and more weight as Junghyun became a teenager and didn’t want his little brother around anymore. 

When the two older boys had found their way into Busan’s dark underbelly, Jungkook had been left behind to flounder on his own, ignored by everyone until Taehyung had appeared one day like a light in the darkness. 

Jungkook would have been happy if things had stayed that way, being ignored didn’t bother him that much but the drugs had brought out the worst in Junghyun, turning him into a miniature version of their father at the exact same time as it was becoming increasingly obvious that Jungkook wasn’t straight. 

It had been an unlucky combination of circumstances which had sent Jungkook’s life spiralling out of his control- bullied at school and beaten at home- with only Kim Taehyung to keep him afloat. 

But he didn’t even have that anymore. Just Yoongi with his own crippling self-hatred that made him so dependent on drugs. 

Except that Taehyung had slipped back into that role with such ease, and Jungkook’s heart ached to accept the lifeline that was being extended to him in the form of Taehyung’s phone number. 

He shook himself- such thoughts wouldn’t lead anywhere good. 

Because even if Taehyung’s boyfriend made the alarm bells in the back of his head clamour for his attention, he had no right to get involved. He’d forfeited that right years ago. 

Looking at the girl before him, Jungkook wished he could offer her something more concrete but what could he possibly give her when his own life was such a mess? If he could, he’d offer her a safe place to come to whenever she needed to get away- he was home most of the time during the day due to the nature of his degree and work, and his landlord lived in the building- but he didn’t think he should risk exposing them to Yoongi too much. Usually, he arranged for Yoongi to be out whenever he watched the two girls, only agreeing two hours earlier at such short notice because Yoongi had gone to deliver a track he’d produced to someone (Jungkook knew these things could be done digitally but he and Yoongi both knew it was an excuse for Yoongi to get hold of cash and then happen across his dealer on the way home). 

When the door knocked loudly, Soyeon leapt up, “Oppa-nim, it’s Appa!”

Jungkook rose from his chair, waylaying Soyeon, “Let oppa open it, just in case.”

It probably was her dad but it could easily be Yoongi, in god knew what state. 

With Soyeon’s small hand in his, Jungkook opened the door to what was indeed his landlord. 

“Appa, you have to come see my colouring,” Soyeon beamed, dragging him into the flat and towards the living room. 

“Soyeon-ah, I don’t think Jeon-ssi wants us invading his home any longer than we have to.”

“It’s fine, they’ve both been good as gold anyway.”

He knew that the other man didn’t really know how to treat Jungkook. After all, what were the chances that he asked any of the building’s other residents to babysit for him? And Jungkook would have bet good money that he was the only one sucking his dick to get out of paying his rent. 

“That’s really good colouring, Soyeon-ah,” he praised his daughter. “Did Jeon-ssi draw the pictures for you?”

Soyeon nodded emphatically, “And he tied my hair up like his so I can be a proper artist.” 

Meanwhile, Jiwon silently packed her school work into her bag. 

“Well, make sure you thank Jeon-ssi properly and then you and Jiwon can go back upstairs.”

Jungkook frowned slightly- he was clearly wanted for something. 

“Thank you, oppa-nim,” Soyeon said, hugging Jungkook. 

He hugged her back, “You’re welcome, Soyeon-ah, make sure you behave yourself.”

“I will oppa-nim.”

“Thank you, oppa-nim,” Jiwon muttered, taking her sister’s hand and leading her from the flat. 

Jungkook tugged on his earrings as he heard the two girls leave the flat- he honestly wished he could be more to help Jiwon but he also didn’t think he should get involved. He couldn’t risk getting kicked out of his flat. 

“Do you want to sit down, Park-ssi?” Jungkook asked, indicating towards the sofa. 

The other man sat down with a long sigh- he looked like he’d had an exceptionally long day- and Jungkook seated himself sideways on his lap, wrapping his arm along the back of the sofa. 

It was like being at work and Jungkook slipped into his role with ease. The other man had taken to talking to Jungkook about his issues but Jungkook would always be the pretty boy downstairs who sucked him off to pay his rent so he had to play the role of the seducer. 

Not that it would be the first time the two had done nothing but talk- the older man didn’t have anyone but Jungkook to talk to about his struggles with his sexuality.

Yoongi didn’t know that, though. Jungkook had told him that the landlord liked to watch him finger himself to cover up for the lack of noise. He wasn’t sure why he lied but something had told him that it wouldn’t be good for Yoongi to think their relationship was anything but a sequence of sexual favours over the last year. 

Not that Jungkook was at all interested in their landlord- he just wanted somewhere to live- but that didn’t stop him feeling sorry for him. 

He was like most of the men that came into the club. A good number of them were married to wives they didn’t love and they used the club as a safe place to express their true desires. For many of them, coming out would mean losing access to their own children so Jungkook liked to think he was doing some good. 

And perhaps that was why he attracted so many customers to him- he understood what his job really was. It was more than stripping (or even sex if you knew who to ask). It was about allowing those repressed men a moment of respite. 

In a way, Jungkook thought he’d been lucky. He may have been labeled as something he didn’t think he was, and he may have suffered for it, but at least he hadn’t had to pretend to be straight anymore. He’d been given a kind of freedom. 

And he’d had Taehyung to guide him, to help him see that there was nothing wrong with him but with his family and society at large. 

Jungkook brushed Mr Park’s hair away from his face, his fingers then trailing down the side of his face to hold his chin, “You can touch me.”

Jungkook had learned that once you took down the barrier between people and what they desired, everything else came spilling out. Sexual desire was so repressed in so many people that it was often like breaking down a dam. 

The older man’s hand settled on Jungkook’s thigh, still timid even after a year of their arrangement. 

“I don’t think I can stay with my wife anymore, Jungkook-ah.”

“What’s changed?”

They’d been together for, Jungkook thought, nearly twenty years- something had to have changed.

“I worry about what I’m teaching my girls by hiding who I am. I don’t want them to grow up thinking that they should be ashamed of themselves but shouldn’t I teach that by example?”

“I think your daughters would be very upset if you divorced your wife and they couldn’t see you anymore.”

“Maybe they’d be better off without a man like me. Look at me, I’m accepting sexual favours from my resident like a pervert.”

“One: I started it. Two: there’s nothing wrong with what you are. And there’s a difference between knowing and accepting that, and being out. Maybe that’s the balance you need to find.”

Taehyung had needed to find a similar balance when it came to Jungkook; a balance between his love for and attraction to Jungkook, and the fact that the narrow worldview of other people meant that they would never have been able to look past their ages. 

But Taehyung had never managed it and, in the end, it had strained them both to breaking point. 

“When people are ashamed, they hurt the people around them even though they might not mean to,” Jungkook said gently. “If our arrangement means that you’re not ashamed and that you can be a better father, then isn’t that worth something?”

The older man nodded, Thank you, Jungkook- for talking to me.”

He thought about trying to get the man to come to the club but he decided against it. Part of the reason their arrangement worked was that there was a kind of exclusivity to it, Mr Park got to feel like Jungkook was his and his alone for ten minutes each month, and that gave him the emotional gratification he needed. 

It would be far too risky to mess with that if Jungkook wanted to continue to have a roof over his head. 

“You should go back upstairs before your wife gets any more suspicious of me,” Jungkook chuckled, pecking him on the cheek before rising from his seat. 

The woman would have to be an idiot not to suspect there was something going on when Jungkook hadn’t paid his full rent in a year and her husband spent longer collecting Jungkook’s rent than he did with anyone else. 

Also, Yoongi would probably be home soon and Jungkook made sure to keep him far away from their landlord. Jungkook was exactly what he wanted- his wide eyes giving a look of innocence while his physique provided a touch of sin- while Yoongi was all sin with his bleached hair and arms covered in tattoos. 

Mr Park let himself out, leaving Jungkook to tidy up before going back to his classwork.

Half an hour later, completely engrossed in his work, Jungkook was startled by Yoongi coming up behind him. 

“What’re you drawing?” Yoongi asked, pizza box in his hand. 

Jungkook’s mouth watered at the smell of the warm dough but it wasn’t strong enough to cover up the distinct herbal scent clinging to Yoongi’s hoodie. 

“It’s just for class,” Jungkook said.

“Yeah, I know that but what actually is it?”

Jungkook had only got as far as an outline of a broad back with two wounds on the shoulder blades but he knew exactly what he was drawing now. 

“A fallen angel.”

“I thought your theme was love and sexuality?”

And to Jungkook, love was a fallen angel in ripped jeans and loose T-shirts, and he had been the one to make him fall from grace. 

“Let me get to a good stopping point and I’ll come eat,” Jungkook avoided the question. 

Once he’d finished, he sat beside Yoongi, who had the pizza box balanced on his lap, on the sofa, tucking his legs up underneath him. 

With one hand, he held a slice of pizza and with the other, he pulled Yoongi’s arm into his lap, turning it over to admire the brightly coloured ink that covered his arms. 

“What are you doing?” Yoongi mumbled around a mouthful of food. 

“Admiring my handiwork.”

Jungkook had drawn each and every tattoo, just as he’d drawn his own, for the tattoo artist to follow. He was most proud of the traditional style drawing depicting the mountains and the sea- for Busan. To Jungkook, that city would always be where he had been the most miserable but also the happiest he had ever been, so he’d had it inked it onto Yoongi’s skin. 

His own was reserved for his dragon, for Taehyung. 

Not that Yoongi realised that. Jungkook had cried when he’d gotten it done and Yoongi had assumed he was a baby who couldn’t handle the pain of the needle. 

As if Jungkook was a stranger to pain. 

“Do you remember when you drew that first one? When you were… how old were you?”

“Fourteen, it was just before my fifteenth birthday.”

August 2015

Jungkook sighed contentedly as he felt Taehyung’s fingers carding through his hair, easing them through where the strands had stuck together from the sticky heat of the afternoon. 

He relished these quiet, secretive moments with Taehyung. Nobody else knew Taehyung was there so they didn’t have to pretend that they were nothing to each other. 

In Jungkook’s bedroom, lying together on top of the duvet, they could simply be them. 

However, their peace was interrupted far too soon by Taehyung’s phone beeping, signalling that Taehyung needed to leave and come back in an hour (via the front door rather than Jungkook’s bedroom window this time). 

“I don’t want you to go,” Jungkook said softly, wrapping his arms tightly around Taehyung. 

“I have to go, sweetheart or you won’t have anything to eat. But I’ll be back straight away.”

“No, you won’t be, not really. You’re different when you’re with them.”

Taehyung may have been spending most of his time with Jungkook, holed up together in his bedroom, but he was still friends with Junghyun and Yoongi, which meant that he had to hang out with them, too. 

“You think I like the way things are? I can’t stand your brother, or the way he treats you, but it’s far less suspicious for me to bring you food if I pretend I’m still his friend.” 

Jungkook knew that, he did, but it didn’t stop it from hurting. He wanted people to know that Taehyung was his and that it didn’t matter how much they mocked him at school, or how many bruises he got at home, because he had something they didn’t. 

He was free in a way they never would be by constantly conforming to society’s expectations. 

“You can go if I get a goodbye kiss.”

“Are you eighteen yet?”

“No,” Jungkook pouted. 

“Then no.”

“But you’re not eighteen yet so it’s fine.”

“And you’re fourteen so it’s not fine.” 

Jungkook sat up, fiddling with the rings on his fingers, “It’s only kissing, it’s not sex. That’s what I have to be sixteen for.”

Taehyung rubbed his face with his hands, “Why do you always do this?”

“Do what?”

“Put all the responsibility on me to say no to you,” Taehyung snapped. 

“Maybe because I’d like it to actually be clear what this even is between us!” Jungkook’s voice rose sharply as his temper flared defensively. “Instead I’m left to feel like a- a-” Jungkook stumbled over his words, thoughts flying through his mind faster than he could catch hold of them. “-like a placeholder until something better comes along.”

Would they even be able to say they’d broken up when that inevitably happened? And without being able to use that phrase to describe what had happened, would he ever be able to get any closure on what they were to each other right now? 

Not that Jungkook fully understood whatever it was between them. Taehyung always skirted around it, only going as far as to describe them as “exclusive”, but Jungkook’s life was filled with too many uncertainties already. 

He never knew when his dad would come home drunk, or what tiny action might set him off when he did, and he never knew when his brother’s own pain would spill over into using Jungkook as his punching bag, either verbally or physically. 

But he did know that Taehyung cared about him and that had been the one constant in his life since he was twelve years old, and now, nearly three years later, he was willing to risk it all because he couldn’t ignore the feelings that swelled inside of him everytime he saw Taehyung. 

Perhaps he shouldn’t have been so caught off guard by them- he’d had a crush on Taehyung ever since they’d first met but that had been juvenile. Not like the way he felt now. 

Taehyung reached out for his hand, “Jungkookie-”

Jungkook snatched his hand away, “You should go before hyung starts phoning you in a bit and hears your phone going off in here.”

“We’ll talk about this later. I don’t know when but,” Taehyung sighed, “later.”

Jungkook didn’t respond. He knew all that would come out would be a demand that they talk about it now, and he didn’t want to ruin their limited time alone together more than he already had. 

Taehyung pulled Jungkook into his side briefly before releasing him and climbing out of the bedroom window. 

After a few minutes, Jungkook picked himself off the bed and carefully pushed his door open. He checked there was no sign of his brother before emerging fully. 

Whenever he was upset like this, he went for a shower. The running water hid any sound of tears that might be shed while the hot water reminded him of when his mum used to hug him. Not that she’d done so for years- his dad had made her stop, saying that Jungkook was a man now and men didn’t need hugs from anyone.

Jungkook had been ten and he definitely still needed to be held in someone’s arms. 

Now, that someone was Taehyung. Those gentle touches had started off with nothing more than the older boy ruffling his hair but then Taehyung’s fingers had started to linger and thread their way through Jungkook’s hair. Then Jungkook, seeking the kind of comfort he hadn’t had in years, had crept closer until folding himself into Taehyung’s arms felt as easy as breathing. 

But his feelings for Taehyung were like a double edged sword- impossible to grasp. 

Would things be easier when they were older?

Jungkook hoped so because he didn’t want to think about what his life would be like without Taehyung. 

Jungkook lay on his bed, his hair still damp from his shower due to the humidity of the summer air. Staring up at the cracked ceiling, he inhaled deeply, smelling the spicy aroma that wafted to his room from the kitchen. 

He’d heard Taehyung ask Junghyun where he was numerous times since he’d got back with the food shopping he’d done for Jungkook. 

Good, he’d thought to himself, let him be the one who’s left hanging for once. 

Barely a week went by without Jungkook having to powerlessly watch what seemed like every girl in Taehyung’s year flirt with him because Taehyung kept him secret. 

His secret shame- that he was in love with a fourteen year old (and Jungkook suspected at least slightly attracted to though Taehyung steered clear of the topic at all times). 

He knew it had nothing to do with coming out as gay, Taehyung would’ve come out before now if it hadn’t meant being cut off by Junghyun. It was all because he thought there was something wrong with him for loving Jungkook specifically. 

Well, if he was going to leave Jungkook to hang all the time, he could do the same 

Maybe he’d start flaunting himself around in front of Yoongi, that would certainly get Taehyung’s attention. And it was becoming increasingly obvious to Jungkook that as he filled out, love of dance gifting him with a more toned physique, Min Yoongi’s interest in him had grown. 

There was a soft knock on the door followed by Taehyung’s warm voice, “Jungkook-ah? I’ve cooked dinner but if you’re not hungry yet, I can leave it in the oven.”

Jungkook rolled over hugging his pillow to his chest as he lay there, not answering Taehyung. 

“Jungkook!” his brother yelled, banging violently on the door, making Jungkook jump slightly. 

“Why do you have to do that?” Taehyung’s voice was clear through the door. 

“Do what?”

“Try and scare him all the time. You know, I remember when you were scared of your dad and now you’ve gone and turned into him.”

Previously, Jungkook had wondered how Taehyung got away with speaking to Junghyun like that when nobody else would have dared. But he’d realised that Taehyung got away with it simply because he dared, and some part of Junghyun respected him for that. 

He also thought that was how Taehyung was never called out for wearing make-up and jewellery, or the way he carefully styled his hair. Instead of ever hiding those more feminine aspects of who he was, Taehyung left them out in plain sight, and that was what prevented him from being called out for it. 

In a city where the slightest deviation from traditional masculinity may as well be a death sentence, Taehyung expertly hid himself in plain sight. 

Not like Jungkook, who had only been able to truly express himself after he’d already been found out for not being straight (and incorrectly labelled as gay. Jungkook didn’t know what he was but that wasn’t it). But in a way, he was free from that now. 

Distantly, Jungkook heard Junghyun’s own bedroom door slam shut. 

After a few seconds, Taehyung’s voice came through the door again but lower down this time, like Taehyung was sitting on the floor.

“Jungkookie, please come eat.” There was a pause. “I’m sorry I snapped at you earlier, I know it’s not easy for you either, and that you worry that I don’t feel the same way about you as you do about me.”

Jungkook rolled the other way to face the door. 

“Do you really think I’d be so worried about the legality of what we have between us if I didn’t feel the same way? Or if this was about stringing some kid along just because I could? I don’t want you to have any regrets or to ever feel pushed into anything you weren’t ready for because I want us to be able to be happy together in the years to come. And I hope that we can be together for the rest of our lives because I can’t imagine being with anyone else.” 

Jungkook could hear the sincerity in Taehyung’s voice, could imagine seeing it in his eyes. 

He rose to his feet and padded towards the door, pressing his ear to the wood as tears began to spill silently from his eyes.

“You’re everything to me, Jungkook and that scares me because I’m scared of what I might do in order to keep hold of you. So I have to keep those concrete boundaries in place to keep you safe from me.”

Jungkook opened the door to find Taehyung kneeling on the floor outside. At the sound of the door opening, he looked up, a plea in his eyes for Jungkook to forgive him. 

Crouching down, Jungkook cupped Taehyung’s cheeks in his hands, pressing their foreheads together and breathing in the light, vanilla scent of Taehyung, “You’re the only thing in my life that I don’t need protecting from.”

“I’m not so sure, Jungkookie.”

“Then let me be sure enough for the both of us.” 

Taehyoung picked himself up off the floor, holding his hand out to help Jungkook up.

“Come on, you should eat before Yoongi gets here.”

Jungkook frowned, “Why?”

“Did you not hear him the other day?” Taehyung asked, leading Jungkook by the hand to the kitchen table. “He found his biological mum, don’t ask me how, and he decided to go see her today.”

“But isn’t that good?”

Yoongi felt like a great disappointment to his adoptive parents, who had been hoping for a more well-behaved child that did better in school. Not one who smoked weed and did nothing but write lyrics and melodies during class. 

Taehyung placed a steaming bowl of beef stew in front of Jungkook, along with a set of chopsticks and a spoon, “She gave him up for a reason. I’m just worried he won’t like what he finds and then he’ll be looking for something or someone to take his anger out on.”

“I doubt that’ll be me.”

“If it was just Yoongi I’d agree but he goes along with your brother far too easily for comfort. I’d just feel better if you were safely out of the way.”

Out of the way and away from Taehyung. 

Taehyung must have seen the look on Jungkook’s face because his long fingers began threading their way through Jungkook’s hair, soothing him. 

“I’ll try and sneak into your room, sweetheart. They’ll probably just get stoned so it won’t exactly be hard.” 

Jungkook nodded, appeased, and tucked into his dinner. 

Distracted by the film playing on the television, Taehyung’s fingers absentmindedly traced circles into the skin above Jungkook’s knee, his legs slung over Taehyung’s, occasionally drifting under the hem of his shorts. His other arm was wrapped around Jungkook’s waist, holding him close.

Yoongi hadn’t turned up so Taehyung had suggested they watch a film, convincing Junghyun to let Jungkook stay in the living room with them. 

Junghyun was beside them on the sofa having fallen asleep- he always said he found horror films boring but Jungkook knew that he purposely fell asleep because he was scared. Taehyung probably knew that too.

Even so, it was still risky but they both needed to be close to each other, especially after their earlier argument.

Taehyung gripped Jungkook’s leg as a black figure appeared in a doorway behind the film’s protagonist

“Scared, Taehyungie?” Jungkook teased. 

“Why’d you have to pick one in a foreign language?” Taehyung whined, unable to look away from the screen lest he miss what was being said. 

“Because if you didn’t have to read the subtitles, you’d be hiding behind your hands.”

And Jungkook was perfectly happy with Taehyung’s hands where they were. 

At the sound of the front door knocking, the two of them leapt apart, and Jungkook quickly glanced over to his brother but he was still fast asleep. 

“I’ll get it,” Taehyung said, rising to open the door. 

Jungkook leaned forward so that it was in his eyeline, the film forgotten as Taehyung opened the door to Yoongi.

Jungkook’s eyes widened at the sight of him, not because he’d turned up at gone midnight, but because he had clearly been crying- his eyes and nose were bright red. Taehyung was obviously as shocked as he was, stepping silently to the side to let Yoongi in but making no move to comfort him. 

“Oi, Junghyun! Wake the fuck up!” Yoongi yelled, kicking his shoes off. 

Beside Jungkook, Junghyun stretched, rubbing his eyes blearily, “About time you turned up, Min.”

“Yeah, well, I got us something to have a little fun,” Yoongi smirked, pulling a small plastic bag of white powder.

At the sight of it, Taehyung crept around the back of the sofa, towards Jungkook. 

“Is that what I think it is?” Junghyun asked, grinning. “How did you get hold of it?”

“Our usual dealer gave me some other guy’s number.”

Jungkook thought it was safe to say that Yoongi meeting his biological mother had not gone well. His nose wrinkled at the cloying scent of alcohol that clung to the older boy. 

“Go to your room,” Taehyung muttered, leaning down to Jungkook’s ear. 

Jungkook nodded. He already knew he didn’t want to be around for this. Weed mellowed his brother out to the point where he didn’t remember Jungkook was in the room but cocaine was going to hype him up, and Jungkook didn’t know what that would entail. 

Unfortunately, Yoongi had overheard them. 

“No, the kid stays in here. I want him to draw something for me.”

Jungkook glanced up at Taehyung, unsure of what to do. 

“I’m not going to do anything to you, Kook-ah,” Yoongi rolled his eyes. “I want a tattoo and I want you to draw it.”

“Why would you want him to draw it?” Junghyun drawled. 

“Because have you seen the way the kid draws?”

“Whatever, as long as he stays out of the way.”

“I’ll stay until they fall asleep,” Taehyung whispered. 

Jungkook nodded and fetched his sketchbook and pencil case from his room, carrying them to the adjoining kitchen so he could sit at the table. 

He sat there for hours, drawing sketch after sketch, with Taehyung staying nearby, until Yoongi was satisfied. 

“Have you ever kissed anyone, Jungkook-ah?” Yoongi asked conversationally as he ripped the page out of Jungkook’s sketchbook and folded it up to take with him. 

“That’s a weird question to ask a fourteen year old,” Taehyung interjected. 

“He’s nearly fifteen, Taehyung. He’s not a child anymore.”

The two older boys were like day and night. Taehyung was warm and light, with his tanned skin and voice like honey, while Yoongi was icy-cold, his veins clearly visible under his pale skin, but there was a strange softness to him. 

Yoongi was the devil, enticing him towards sin, and Taehyung-

Taehyung was his guardian angel. 

“I’m the school faggot, remember? What do you think?” Jungkook muttered, twirling a colouring pencil around his fingers. 

“Don’t call yourself that,” Taehyung scolded. 

“Why not? It’s true.”

“Because you shouldn’t put yourself down like that. There’s nothing wrong with you.” 

“It’s a shame, really,” Yoongi mused. “You can tell you’ve started working out, I bet the girls would be all over you if they didn’t know you were gay.”

Taehyung’s fingers curled into a fist on the table. At first, Jungkook was confused but then he realised. Taehyung was getting jealous. 

“It’s really just for dance,” Jungkook shrugged. “Jimin-hyung, he’s on the team, he told me that it’s better for your muscles if you strengthen them, then you’re less likely to pull something dancing.”

“I see, and looking good is just a lucky side effect?” Yoongi smiled. 

“I can’t believe I’m having to say this again,” Taehyung hissed, “but he is fourteen whether his birthday’s coming up or not.” 

Jungkook knew the comment wasn’t aimed entirely at Yoongi, that Taehyung was also reminding himself of that fact. 

“Yoongi, time for another hit?” Junghyun asked, putting on some music. 

“Sure, let’s go,” Yoongi said, getting up. “Come on, Tae.”

Taehyung stood reluctantly, glancing back at Jungkook as he went to join his supposed friends. 

Jungkook pulled his sketchbook back towards himself, blocking out the drug fuel frenzied energy of his brother. 

Jungkook eyelids felt heavy, telling him he’d accidentally fallen asleep at the table again, too absorbed in his drawings to bother going to bed. 

“Get off,” he whined as someone lifted his arm. 

Taehyung’s voice hushed him, “It’s only me, sweetheart. I’m just putting you to bed.”

He was easily lifted into Taehyung’s arms, his own arm slung across Taehyung’s shoulder and his face nestled into the crook of his neck. 

“Wait, I need my sketchbook,” he said, reaching his other arm back towards the kitchen. 

“I already put it in your room, Kookie,” Taehung reassured him, knowing that Jungkook wasn’t keen on the idea of his brother looking through it. 

“Stay tonight, please,” he pleaded when Taehyung lowered him into the bed, clearly not planning on getting into it with him. 

Taehyung tucked the duvet up around him, “I’ve got work later or you know I would. But my break’s at two so you can come visit, if you want to.”

Taehyung worked at one of the many small independent coffee houses in the city so that he could buy Jungkook food whenever his parents were away as well as restock his art supplies. Most of Jungkook’s wardrobe and jewellery were also from Taehyung but in the form of hand-me-downs (not that Taehyung hadn’t tried to take Jungkook clothes shopping after his last growth spurt). 

“Of course I want to.” 

And with his parents away, there was nobody to stop him. 

“How about we have lunch together?”

“Sounds good, Taehyungie,” Jungkook murmured, being dragged back down into sleep. 

Distantly, he could feel Taehyung’s fingers stroking his hair while he sang to him, “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…”

Present Day

“What’s the theme?”

The sound of Jimin’s voice made Jungkook jump, snapping him out of the intense concentration that came over him when he sketched. 

He’d made excellent progress (in his opinion) on his project for his class. His piece for “love” was now a double-page spread with the fallen angel on one side, feathers scattered around the hunched figure, and a man laying spread-eagle on a bed of flowers on the other. 

Jungkook put his pencil down, deciding that it was as good a time as any to take a break since he’d already been interrupted. He looked around for Yoongi but he was nowhere to be seen- Jungkook assumed he’d gone to get takeaway, spending yet more of Jungkook’s money. 

“Love. It’s pretty broad.”

Jimin perched on the end of the table, his pupils blown wide from whatever he’d been taking (Jungkook kept an eye on what Yoongi bought and flushed anything he deemed too far, and generally Yoongi took the hint, but Jimin was a mystery to him as far as that was concerned), “I’ll be honest, Kook… I don’t get it.”

Jungkook sighed, “You have to look at both together, hyung. The fallen angel gives his wings to the man he loves.”

“So it’s about Kim Taehyung. You used to call him your angel.” 

“Not like that,” he lied. 

Jimin raised an eyebrow at him, “I was in Taehyung’s year, do you really think I didn’t see that photo?”

Who hadn’t seen that photo? 

Yet that day had been one of the best days of Jungkook’s life because Taehyung had finally-

No, he wasn’t going to think about it. It was pointless, he couldn’t change the past. 

“It wasn’t like Junghyun said.”

“I know, I remember thinking that picture was pretty damning but also that your brother must be blind and an idiot. And everyone else, actually,” Jimin mused.

“What do you mean?” Jungkook frowned. 

Jimi thought for a moment, dragging up his memories of what had happened back then, “Well, your brother obviously put it out that Taehyung was taking advantage of you-” Jungkook nodded along, he knew that part “-but I remember when he used to bring you to dance practice. At first, I thought it was a bit creepy the way he used to be so fixated on you but it soon became obvious he was absolutely head over heels in love with you. Guy must have had bad taste,” Jimin teased. 

“Very funny, hyung,” Jungkook said flatly. 

“Anyway,” Jimin continued with his version of events, “when you left the team and came back a year later with Min Yoongi, of all people, on your arm, I had to wonder what happened with you and Taehyung.”

He could keep on wondering because Jungkook certainly wasn’t about to start talking to him about it. He was very aware of where Jimin’s loyalties lay and wouldn’t trust him with anything he might not want getting back to Yoongi. 

Jungkook shrugged, “Well, things didn’t work out and I preferred Yoongi.”

Or he’d been an idiot and thought the ability to stick a clear label on a relationship, and to be given that physical aspect, was worth more than everything Taehyung had ever given him. 

Jimin rolled his eyes, “Yeah, and that’s why I haven’t seen you look genuinely happy in three years, because you and Yoongi are so happy together.”

He picked up one of Jungkook’s pencils, holding it up to inspect it. 

One of the pencils from the last set that Taehyung had ever bought him, and had been hidden at the bottom of a drawer ever since they moved to Seoul a year ago. He wasn’t sure why he’d gotten them out now except maybe to torture himself. 

“Stop acting like you know me,” Jungkook snapped, snatching the pencil from Jimin’s hand. “I’m going to work in the kitchen.”

He didn’t spare Jimin a second glance as he hurriedly gathered his supplies into a messy bundle in his arms and carried them into the other room. 

After dumping everything unceremoniously onto the small table, Jungkook moved over to the fridge. It was bare except for a single photograph, taken on a rollercoaster when he, Taehyung, Yoongi and Junghyun had gone to a theme park when he’d been fifteen. 

Really, Taehyung had wanted to take Jungkook out for the day but he couldn’t do that without taking the other two, or it would have looked too suspicious. However, Yoongi and Junghyun were both terrified of rides so he and Taehyung had plenty of time just the two of them. 

His fingers brushed across Taehyung’s face, his boxy grin impossibly wide as he’d laughed at the way Jungkook had cheered the entire way around the ride. 

But those days were over and there was no point crying over spilt milk. 

Except that Jimin was right- Jungkook was miserable, staying with Yoongi out of a sense of duty more than anything else. 

If he could, he’d walk out of the flat and get on his knees to beg Taehyung to give them a second chance. But Yoongi’s threat echoed through his mind. He’d been high as a kite when he’d said it but that only made his words more sincere. 

“Kook, can you get some plates out?” Yoongi called from the hallway, apparently back with food. 

Wiping the tears from his eyes, Jungkook moved to do as he was asked, reaching into the top cupboard to pull the plates down. 

However, he forgot about the mug he’d also stowed in there, just to the side of the plates, because he’d been too tired to put it in the proper cupboard after drying up. Unnoticed by him, it was pushed slightly by the edge of a plate until it tumbled from the shelf to shatter on the floor. 

Jungkook froze, staring wide eyed at the shards of porcelain scattered across the tiles. 

Quick, pick it up before dad sees, you idiot!

Heart racing, Jungkook threw himself onto his knees to pick up the broken pieces of the mug.

“It’s alright, Kook, it’s just a mug,” Yoongi said, coming into the kitchen “we’ll just- Jungkook, what are you doing?”

Jungkook stared at his hand clenched in a tight fist around a shard of porcelain, blood oozing between his fingers. He suddenly gasped in pain, like he hadn’t been aware of it until he looked at it, but he didn’t let go. 

Instead, he gripped it tighter until he cried out.

You deserve this pain for what you put Taehyung through and what you’re putting Yoongi through. To love you is to be burned. 

Yoongi prised his fingers open and the shard fell from his palm, sticky with blood which now dripped onto the floor. 

“Fucking hell, Jungkook.” Yoongi held Jungkook’s hand up towards the light, inspecting it. “Come on, we’ll have to take you to get this looked at. What were you thinking?”

Jungkook pulled his hand out of Yoongi’s grip, “I’m fine. I’ll take myself to the minor injuries unit.”

The hospital wasn’t far away, he could walk the distance in less than twenty minutes. 

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Yoongi scolded, yanking the tea towel from a drawer handle and wrapping it around Jungkook’s hand, “you can’t go on your own.”

“The Chinese takeaway down the road might not care that you’re stoned but the hospital will, Yoongi. I’ll be fine, it’s not like you’ve ever looked after me before.” 

Yoongi had no response to that because he knew it was true. Yoongi might have been in pain and needed the drugs to numb himself but what about him? What would they ever have done if Jungkook had seriously injured himself? 

Jungkook stood up and, being careful not to get blood inside the sleeve, tugged his jacket on in the hallway. 

“At least text me,” Yoongi said, following him. 

“Yeah, whatever,” Jungkook mumbled as he opened the front door and slipped out into the foyer. 

He had twenty minutes to think of a good excuse for why he had a gash across the palm of his hand. He definitely couldn’t tell them he’d zoned out while he’d done it, or that he deserved it. 

For one thing, he couldn’t afford to take the time off work when they no doubt chalked it up to stress and signed him off. The good thing about his job was that he was technically self-employed so could work as and when he chose but the disadvantage of that was the lack of sick or holiday pay.

Luckily, it wasn’t the first time Jungkook had had to lie about how he got an injury. 

Taehyung spun around on the swivelly chair that had somehow found its way into the break room. He should probably be making the most of his break but with ten minutes still left, he was bored. 

That was the problem with working the night shift- he couldn’t go anywhere on his break.

“Taehyung?” 

He spun back around to the door, sitting up straight but relaxed when he saw it was only Soojin. The two of them had been at university doing their nursing course together and after graduating that summer, they’d both gotten jobs in the minor injuries unit at the same hospital. He was glad for it though- Soojin was the closest thing he’d had to a friend in nearly ten years. 

“What is it?”

“There’s a young man in the waiting room, he’s just cut his hand, and I know you’re on your break but do you mind seeing him? I’ll tell Choi-nim and you can have the extra ten minutes after.”

“Why don’t you want to do it?” Taehyung asked, suspicious. 

“Remember that kid that came in a few weeks ago and we suspected that the broken arm maybe wasn’t an accident? And how you were really good with him?” Taehyung nodded, unsure where she was going with this. “Well, this guy’s crying silently.”

“And? Maybe he’s embarrassed?”

“No,” Soojin said firmly, “people cry because they’re hurt and their instinct is to attract attention so someone will help them. People only cry silently because they’ve been conditioned not to attract attention but they still can’t stop themselves.”

Taehyung considered her words- he knew she was right. Soojin’s hobbies included reading psychological research papers in her free time. 

“Also, he’s clearly lying about how he did it,” she added. “He’s dripping blood onto the floor but he says a broken bit of mug was wrapped up in something else and he accidentally grabbed it. He’s obviously used to having to lie about these things. And you’ve got a knack for these types of things. I haven’t got the emotional capacity for it.”

“Fine,” Taehyung strode towards her, holding his hand out, “give me the sheet. What's the name?”

“A Jeon Jungkook,” she said, checking the clipboard as she handed it over. 

Taehyung’s blood turned cold.

“Tae, what's wrong?”

“Nothing, I just know a guy with that name.”

And a boy who used to cry silently

“Well it's a pretty common name, so I'm sure it's not the same one.”

“You’re probably right, you always are,” Taehyung said, smiling reassuringly at her before making his way to the waiting room. 

He looked down at the board as he stepped through the double doors, acting as if the name meant nothing to him, “Jeon Jungkook?”

When a chair creaked to his left, he looked up straight into the eyes of his Jungkook. 

“I’ll go to a different hospital,” Jungkook said, hastily wiping his eyes as he walked away

Taehyung’s eyes moved from the blood-soaked towel wrapped around his hand to the blood on the floor to the trail of blood that dripped from Jungkook’s hand as he walked away. 

He took a deep breath, he had to be careful, he couldn’t make it look like he knew Jungkook. 

“The closest one is a forty-five minute drive away,” he called, following after him. 

He knew Jungkook wasn’t stupid and there was a concerning amount of blood on the floor. Hopefully, the reminder would be enough to make him stay. 

Jungkook stopped and turned on his heel. 

“I want someone else to see me.”

“There’s nobody else available.”

“I can wait.”

Taehyung stepped closer, keeping his voice low so only Jungkook could hear him, “Jungkook please, just let me-” do my job , that was what he was supposed to say “-look after you.”

Jungkook shook his head, “I can’t-”

Taehyung caught him as he stumbled slightly. 

Under the guise of supporting him, Taehyung discreetly moved one hand down to Jungkook’s waist, and whispered into his ear, “Sweetheart, this is silly… I’m still your angel.”

Jungkook’s breath hitched and Taehyung worried he’d pushed too far. But Jungkook silently nodded, allowing Taehyung to lead him out of the waiting area. 

Usually, he would have dealt with this kind of injury on the main ward but given the circumstances, he opted to go to one of the private examination rooms, making sure to lock the door behind them. 

“So you really did come to do that nursing degree,” Jungkook mused, seating himself on the bed. 

“Why would you think I didn’t?” Taehyung asked, putting a couple of pillows behind him and gently pushing Jungkook back against them. 

He then went to the sink and washed his hands while Jungkook spoke, “I wondered if maybe you’d lied so you had an excuse to leave.”

“You left me first,” Taehyung said, collecting a wad of gauze, a bottle of disinfectant, bandages and a needle and thread. 

“You pushed me away, you asked me to live with you but not as boyfriends, like a parent and child,” Jungkook muttered bitterly. 

If the night before he left for Seoul was the second worst night of his life then the night Jungkook was referring to was the worst night of his life. He’d messed up, he knew that, and he’d had four long years to think about that. 

Jungkook was right, he’d wanted Jungkook to live with him so he could look after him properly and get him out of that house, but he’d failed to appreciate that Jungkook would see that as a rejection, and Jungkook had reacted badly to that. 

The only person who had shown him genuine love and affection had seemingly rejected him, of course he’d lashed out and threatened Taehyung with the prospect of leaving him for Yoongi. It wasn’t as if Jungkook had ever been shown how to handle emotions properly in a home like his. 

And Taehyung had reacted even worse than Jungkook. 

He surreptitiously wiped his clammy hands on the inside of the pockets of his scrubs before pulling the trolley over to Jungkook. He also dragged the wheeled stool over with him to sit on beside him. 

When he unwrapped the sodden towel, Taehyung found that some of the blood had dried, sticking the towel to the wound. He pulled it off as gently as he could, tensing everytime Jungkook hissed in pain. 

“Remember step one, Kookie?” Taehyung asked, pressing some of the gauze he’d collected into Jungkook’s palm.

“Stop the bleeding.”

“So why are you still bleeding everywhere?”

“I tried,” Jungkook pouted.

“You should have lifted it above your heart,” Taehyung told him, lifting Jungkook’s arm with his own fingers pressing tightly onto the wound. 

“You were always better at this than me.”

“I kind of had to be.”

How many times had Taehyung patched Jungkook up, whether from his dad’s fists or the bullies at school? 

Jungkook leaned back against the pillows, “My head feels funny.”

“You’ve lost a fair amount of blood but you should be alright in the morning, you just need to rest and let Yoongi pamper you a bit.” Jungkook snorted derisively. “And no…” Taehyung paused awkwardly. He took a deep breath and reminded himself that he needed to do his job still. “And no getting aroused for the next week or so or you’ll feel dizzy. You need your blood to stay in your head.” 

“I’ve only ever been attracted to one man in my life and it certainly isn’t Min Yoongi, so I don’t think that’ll be a problem.”

“Why that one man?”

He didn’t need to ask who it was as he looked into those warm, doe-eyes. 

I’m not into boys either...apparently that doesn't apply to you... I want all these things that I’ve never wanted before and it scares me...

“I’ve never really been able to work out my sexuality but I think that for me, attraction is based on the emotional connection.” Taehyung nodded to show he understood. “The only man I’ve ever been attracted to is also the only man I've ever truly loved. But then he left me and came to Seoul.” 

“This isn’t the way I wanted things to be either, Jungkook.”

“If you’d let me have what I wanted, you would’ve had what you wanted.”

“You needed stability and a good home, and I had to choose between what you needed and what you- what we both wanted.” Taehyung lowered Jungkook’s hand, gently lifting the gauze to see that the bleeding had stopped for the time being. “Or so I thought but I was wrong, and I’ve regretted it ever since.” 

He knew he’d said too much but everything had always come spilling out of him around Jungkook. Just never the right things. 

He’d never managed to tell him that he loved him.

“Right, let’s get this clean and stitched up,” he said brusquely, avoiding the tension crackling in the air, not giving Jungkook a chance to shoot him down. 

“Does this mean I’m going to end up with a cool scar?”

Taehyung was glad that Jungkook was playing along.

“Maybe but you might not be able to see it very well because your palms aren’t smooth anyway.” 

The lines criss-crossing the skin were likely to obscure the kind of faint scar that Jungkook might get. 

He wiped the blood from Jungkook’s fingers before dousing a cotton pad in disinfectant and making sure the wound was properly cleaned. 

Jungkook flinched when it came into contact with the cut but Taehyung had been expecting that and held his wrist firmly. He’d always been the same. 

“What happened, Kookie? This wasn’t just from accidentally picking up a broken bit of china, it’s too deep.”

Taehyung prayed to a God he didn’t believe in that Jungkook would let him in the way he once had. 

“I’ll tell you but as Taehyungie, not Nurse Kim.”

“I was asking as Taehyungie,” he reassured him, threading the needle to stitch the wound. 

It would give him something to concentrate on while Jungkook talked. He just hoped he could keep his hand steady. 

“I accidentally dropped a mug and I was picking it up, but I… I don’t know… it was like I zoned out and when I came back round, I was holding one of the pieces in my hand and then I thought, I deserve this, I deserve to be hurt like this.”

“You don’t deserve it, Jungkook. You never have.”

“Don’t I? I kept pushing you when you were trying your best.” 

“And you’d never been given a chance to make mistakes and grow from them. It’s human to make mistakes, Jungkook. I wanted to give you a space to do that but I ended up doing the opposite.” 

With the cut stitched, Taehyung held a dressing over it and began wrapping a bandage around it with practiced movements. 

“I really am sorry, Jungkookie. I was so focused on your immaturity that I forgot about my own. But really neither of us were equipped to deal with such a delicate situation.”

He’d seen everything in black and white- what Jungkook needed versus what he wanted- but the two things weren’t that easy to separate. 

Jungkook hadn’t needed a boyfriend in general, but he had needed for Taehyung to take that final step after two years of walking that fine line. 

Most teenagers had the chance to have their little crushes and their “relationships” that nobody expected to go anywhere. But they hadn’t.

They’d collided into each other and neither of them had been able to handle it. 

The only difference between them had been that somewhere inside himself, Jungkook had known that so he had bowed to what Taehyung thought best while Taehyung had plowed ahead, sure that he was right. 

Maybe he shouldn’t be telling Jungkook that right now, maybe it was too late, far too late… but Taehyung was still desperate for the one thing that only Jungkook could give him. 

He wanted to be forgiven. 

“Wiggle your fingers for me.”

Jungkook oblingingly curled and uncurled his fingers. 

Satisfied that everything was working fine, and that the bandage was secure, Taehyung picked up the bloody gauze and got up to put it in the bin, turning his back on Jungkook.

Suddenly, arms wrapped firmly around his waist.

“I forgive you,” Jungkook breathed, his warm breath tickling the back of Taehyung’s neck. 

He stepped forward slightly and Jungkook’s fingers snagged in the fabric of his scrubs. 

“It’s alright, I’m just turning around.”

He hadn’t held Jungkook in his arms in three years, and this could be his only chance to ever do it again, he wanted to do it right. 

Taehyung held Jungkook tightly, burying his nose in the hair that was as feather-soft as he remembered. Jungkook had always seen Taehyung as his caretaker, his guardian angel, but there was something about having Jungkook’s arms wrapped around him that made Taehyung feel safe. 

It made him feel whole. 

“I’m sorry for being so aloof at the club,” Jungkook said softly. “I just didn’t know what to do and I didn’t want to get hurt again.”

“What are we going to do, Jungkook?”

He couldn’t bare to lose Jungkook again but he didn’t have the right to ask anything of Jungkook. 

“I don’t know but we’ll work it out. We found each other in this huge city, that means we’re meant to be.”

“I wish I had your optimism, Jungkook.”

“Don’t worry, I’ve got enough for the both of us.” 

“Come on, I’ll give you a lift home,” Taehyung said, his heart heavy.

He wondered if this whole encounter counted as a form of self harm.

“I don’t think you’re just allowed to leave work, Taehyung,” Jungkook smiled, pulling away from him, though his hands still lingered on his waist. 

“Soojin can cover for me for a bit, she owes me for interrupting my break to deal with you.”

Jungkook raised an eyebrow, “I thought you said nobody else was available to treat me.”

“I lied.”

“I’m glad you did.”

“I can’t believe you lived so close the entire time,” Taehyung huffed, pulling up outside of Jungkook’s block of flats. 

He noted that Jungkook’s directions had taken him the long way round despite Jungkook always taking the most direct route everywhere back in Busan. 

“Like I said, we’re obviously meant to be.”

“Except that both of us have boyfriends and I know you, you won’t leave Yoongi because we both know he’d end up on the streets.”

He was trying not to think of how he would ever get away from Hoseok. 

“Does that not mean we can be friends?” 

Taehyung felt like he’d been punched in the gut even though he shouldn’t have been surprised by the words. 

“Yeah, of course,” he said, smiling through the pain of his heart shattering into even more fragmented pieces. 

Jungkook unbuckled his seatbelt, “My phone number hasn’t changed, by the way.”

“Who says I kept it?” 

“I do because I know you. I bet you still have that memory box, too And I bet your boyfriend really appreciates that.”

“He doesn’t know about it

Jungkook clicked his tongue, “I see. You’re still ashamed of me.”

“It’s not like that, Jungkook. He gets jealous easily and I don’t want him to destroy any of it.”

“Sounds healthy,” Jungkook drawled, in a tone reminiscent of Yoongi. 

It made Taehyung want to punch something. 

“Yeah because you and Yoongi are the poster children for healthy upbringings and relationships.”

Jungkook shrugged, “At least now we’re only messing each other up, and like you say, neither of us were exactly undamaged to begin with.” 

“I should get back to work.” 

“Wouldn’t want people to say I was the bad influence this time, would we?” Jungkook chuckled, getting out of the car. “Bye, Taehyung.”

When Jungkook was a few paces away, Taehyung rolled the passenger side window down. “Jungkook!” he called. 

Jungkook came back to the car, leaning his forearms against the rolled down window, “Yeah?”

“Make sure you keep that hand clean.”

Jungkook smiled brightly, his slightly oversized front teeth on full display, making him look like that twelve year old boy Taehyung had first met all those years ago, “Of course, angel.” 

April 2016

Taehyung grunted as he lifted the shopping bags onto the kitchen side. 

“Hey, Taehyung,” Jungkook greeted him cheerfully, unphased by Taehyung letting himself into the house. “Do you want some help?”

At least he’d been able to come in through the front door instead of sneaking in through Jungkook’s bedroom window. He’d been hoping that Jungyun would move away for university to make things easier both for him to see Jungkook and for Jungkook to get some peace at least when his parents went away. But it seemed like the universe wanted to constantly spite him because Junghyun was still living at home and if anything, more likely to be there than he had been before since he needed somewhere to bring girls home to. 

“No, you just sit,” Taehyung said, starting to unpack the shopping. 

He knew Jungkook only wanted to sneak the bag of dried seaweed out of the bag before Taehyung could stop him and he didn’t want him ruining his dinner.

Jungkook hopped up onto the side, kicking his legs, “Do you know where Junghyun is? He’s been gone for two days.”

Taehyung wondered if Junghyun knew that Jungkook worried about him and always asked after him. Would he even care? Or would he find some way to twist it against that sweet boy?

“I’m sorry, Jungkook. I only saw him today. If I'd known, I would've brought you food sooner.”

Of course Jungkook could have text him but he never did so Taehyung had stopped expecting it. The pride that Taehyung had noticed in him when he was only twelve had only grown in the last three and a half years. 

“Is he alright?” Jungkook pressed. 

“He’s fine, Jungkook.”

“Is he with Yoongi?”

“I’ll give you three guesses.”

Jungkook hummed thoughtfully, “I tried texting Yoongi to find out but he never replied.”

Taehyung’s jaw clenched, he was having to constantly reign himself in whenever he was around both Yoongi and Jungkook. The way Yoongi was looking at Jungkook made his skin crawl. 

“I never used to like Yoongi,” Jungkook continued, “but he’s been different lately. He’s stopped calling me a bratty kid and actually talks to me. He told me he's going to move up to Seoul and make music.”

“You should stay away from Yoongi, Jungkook.”

He was only interested in Jungkook when it was convenient or when he wanted an ego boost, and Jungkook liked to use Yoongi to make Taehyung jealous whenever he was feeling insecure (which was most of the time), or to get back at his brother. Taehyung couldn’t think of a worse combination.

“Worried I’m going to replace you with another one of Junghyun’s friends?” Jungkook smirked.

“No, we both know you could never replace me, Kookie. Who else is going to remember to buy all your favourite snacks?” 

And who else would be willing to stand up to Junghyun the way he did?

“I’d like to try charcoals next but they might be a bit too messy…”

Taehyung had been listening attentively while Jungkook rambled about what he’d been drawing recently and what he had planned for the future.

They were sitting on the kitchen side together, their legs brushing against each other comfortably. 

“I’ll get you something to put down while you do it, then you can just wash that every now and then.”

Jungkook opened his mouth to say something but froze when the front door banged open. 

“Tae? What are you doing here?” Junghyun called from the living room, obviously spotting his shoes on the rack.

“Someone had to feed your brother.” 

“He’s capable of cooking, you know,” Junghyun laughed, coming in with his latest girlfriend on his arm. 

Taehyung had probably been told her name at some point but they came and went so fast that he never bothered remembering them. 

“Not when there's no food in the house he’s not,” Taehyung snapped.

“Just remember whose brother he is, Taehyung.”

“You’re the one who needs to remember that, not me.”

Junghyun laughed, “Maybe you could hook Tae up with one of your friends?” he said to the girl. “I think getting laid would really loosen him up.”

The girl looked him up and down appraisingly, “I’ve got plenty of friends who would be interested in him.” 

Taehyung fixed Junghyun with an icy glare, “I told you, I’m already with someone.”

Beside him, Jungkook tensed. 

Taehyung discreetly reached behind him until his fingers found Jungkook’s and squeezed them reassuringly. 

“And you won't let me, your best friend, meet them so you're clearly not that into her.”

“More like you're a dick and he doesn’t want to subject people to you,” Jungkook shot back, stung by his brother’s words. 

Junghyun’s cheeks flushed with rage and Taehyung shifted forward, ready to dive between him and Jungkook if he had to. Fortunately, Junghyun remembered who else was there and merely snorted dismissively before leading the girl to his bedroom. 

“You shouldn’t rile him up, Jungkook.”

“He already hits me for being something that I’m not, what else can he do to me?”

Taehyung didn’t know but something told him Junghyun was, despite his hard exterior, even more vulnerable on the inside than Jungkook, and far more volatile if pushed. 

“I just think you should be careful.” 

Present Day

Taehyung gazed out of the window towards Jungkook’s building, the engine still running. 

He knew he shouldn’t be there, that he should be leaving it alone, but he couldn’t ignore the fact that despite getting a scholarship, Jungkook was still having to work at a strip club. 

Just how much money was Yoongi wasting on drugs? 

He couldn’t stand the thought that despite managing to escape his childhood home, Jungkook might still be going hungry because of the person who was supposed to love and look after him. 

Except that had been him and what had Yoongi ever done? 

He doubted Jungkook would accept any kind of financial help from him but he wouldn’t be able to look his reflection in the eye if he didn’t try.

Hoseok would kill me if he knew what I was planning on doing , he tried telling himself as if that would do anything. 

Jeon Jungkook was quickly filling Taehyung’s world once more, eclipsing anything else, and Taehyung welcomed it with open arms. 

December 2017

“I just think you should try it, Kook-ah.”

Partway through his warm-up stretches, Jimin looked over towards the studio entrance, expecting to see a newcomer to the dance club. Instead, he saw a boy he hadn’t seen in over a year and hadn’t expected to see ever again. 

And certainly not with the infamous Min yoongi in tow. 

But there was no mistaking those wide eyes. 

He couldn’t help feeling sorry for the boy- Jungkook- after his brother had cruelly sent that picture around everyone in his own year, Jungkook’s and Taehyung’s. Of course that had been enough to make sure that the whole school saw it.  

Jimin went over to the pair hovering by the door, smiling brightly, “Hey, Kook-ah, are you rejoining?”

“No,” Jungkook folded his arms over his chest. 

“Yes,” Yoongi said firmly. 

Jimin thought he had a good idea of why Jungkook was so reluctant to come back. 

“Hyun-Woo left a while ago,” Jimin told him. 

Jungkook instantly perked up, “Really?”

“Really. You should go warm-up before we start.” 

Jungkook practically skipped on his way to the coat hooks. 

“Thanks,” Yoongi muttered, watching him go. 

“It’s nothing, I always thought he was kind of adorable. I’m Park Jimin, by the way.”

Yoongi fixed him with an intense gaze, “Min Yoongi.”

Jimin giggled, “Yeah, I know who you are. The only people more well known than you are him-” he stuck his thumb out towards Jungkook “- and Kim Taehyung.” 

Yoongi sighed, his eyes moving back to Jungkook, “Why do I get the feeling that name’s going to follow me fucking everywhere?"

Jimin didn’t respond, he didn't think Yoongi would like the answer that came to mind.

[lionheartslowstart]

Coping Mechanism

The thing about trauma is you can't choose anything about it. You can't choose when you experience it, how it expresses itself, or when you get over it. You can't choose the severity, which can always change day to day, you can't choose what triggers it. There is nothing voluntary about trauma.

Everyone deals with tough emotions differently. Some people are conscious of their coping mechanisms, and others aren't. Personally, I wasn't always aware of mine, but over time and after a lot of therapy and personal reflection, I have become much more so. And how I deal with and process my trauma is through anger.

Anger is an easy emotion, at least for me. Not everyone feels that way, and that's okay. But after 25 years of constant disappointment, betrayal, despair, pain, and rejection, I have developed quite a deep well from which to draw.

Truthfully, I think after everything I've been through I have a right to be angry. Is it healthy? Sometimes, yes. Sometimes, no. It depends on the situation and how much control I have over that anger. Sadness and fear are extremely difficult for me to experience, let alone process. I suspect the autism plays a role in that. I can be extremely susceptible to emotional overstimulation when it comes to these emotions. But filtering those feelings through anger helps. Especially as I am an external processor. Being angry (usually) allows me to be able to discuss things out loud, to myself or with another person, even in intense anger. Whereas when I'm experiencing deep sorrow, it often becomes too much for me to feel at once and I usually will experience autistic shutdown or an autistic meltdown as result.

But I also mentioned control. The problem comes when the anger gets out of hand and I lose control of myself. I would never be violent with someone, and I haven't been since I was a teenager. (And it was only after being continuously harassed after I told the person to leave me be.) I pride myself on being able to maintain a logical and reasonable argument, even when angry, even when yelling. But at a certain point there is a ceiling, so to speak, and that logic goes out the window. My expressions can devolve into personal attacks, stuttering, or even shrieking. (I can also sometimes get violent with myself, though this can occur with sadness and fear as well.)

Still, I prefer anger. Overall, it is a less painful emotion for me to deal with. I have more control over it in general, despite the few times I do lose it. It protects me. That's really what it comes down to - protection. If I'm being honest, I don't think I'd still be here if I processed my emotions a different way. The weight of everything I've been through would have dragged me down a long time ago. But if I can feed the flames, if I can be angry about it, I can stay afloat.

If I'm angry, I won't be thinking about the fact that I wasted almost my entire twenties with a man who made me feel unlovable and worthless. How someone I would have done absolutely anything for treated me like dirt on his shoe. Worse. It distracts me from the nightmares, the flashbacks, and the seemingly bottomless pit of sorrow that I have been coping with for the last several years, with no end in sight.

If I'm angry, I won't feel the ache in my chest where my goddaughter used to be. I won't think about her smile or the way she held my hand, the special song we sang together. Instead, I can think about the things her mother said and did that put me in that position. The emotional abuse she inflicted on me that gave me 6 hour long panic attacks (not an exaggeration). The way she used her own daughter as a pawn to manipulate and use me and keep me around until she felt like she didn't need me anymore.

If I'm angry, I won't think about the terror of having someone you once trusted have a psychotic break, relentlessly stalk you for a month, spread things you shared in confidence on the internet, try to ruin your relationships, and make horrible comments about how they wished you had killed yourself and they hope your mother dies (among other things). I won't think about the fact that adrenaline coursed through my veins quite literally every moment of every day that month, how I jumped every single time my phone buzzed, or the desperation I felt trying to figure out how to get her to stop.

If I'm angry, I won't feel the pain of having my trust broken by my parents and my boyfriend (different instances, not the same), three of the people I trust more than anyone else on the planet. I won't think about how our relationships may not ever fully recover, and how scary that is for me.

If I'm angry, I won't sit alone in the dark and think about every single rejection, every single time someone has decided they don't like me for reasons I don't understand and refuse to explain, the seemingly never ending isolation and ostracization no matter how much I try. I don't have to try and figure out why other people are allowed to treat me a certain way and it's fine, but God forbid I do the same, I'm a terrible person. I can just be mad about it instead.

And you may be thinking, "But Sophie, being so angry about all these things can't be helpful long term." Au contraire, it has done wonders for me!

Processing my pain through anger has helped me completely move on from a number of traumatic situations.

For many years I ranted and raved about my ex from 2013. How he was a sociopath and a compulsive liar. I was constantly venting about the things he said and did, how he ruined college for me, etc. But now? I don't care about him at all. I nothing him. Totally indifferent. If anything, I feel sorry for him. Not having empathy or nuanced emotions must be a lonely, boring existence. I don't wish him well or ill. I am absolutely certain I could pass him on the street and not experience any anxiety, sadness, or anger. That I would walk right past him with only the fleeting thought of, Huh, I guess this is where he's been.

Back in 2019, my best friend of 20 years and I had a terrible falling out. I felt betrayed by her in one of my most vulnerable moments. I won't get into details but it was quite gnarly and the entire fight lasted several months before I finally closed the door on that friendship. I was LIVID with her for four years. I couldn't even say her name. But I'm not angry anymore. I'm still not completely sure what happened, or why it happened, and I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive her or trust her, but the anger is gone. All that I feel for her is love. Afterall, we were best friends for two decades. Love like that doesn't just go away. And I know she feels the same. Every once in a while, one of us will text or call the other to ask for advice or give a major life update. When I found out I had had a stroke, she was the first person I called and we cried on the phone together. Friendship is off the table, but I have fully moved on from what happened and I only want her to have the best life she possibly can.

And these are just a couple of major events. Processing sadness via anger has actually helped me heal from a number of situations. Some of them took a long time, and some of them barely took any time at all. Some of them were life changing (like the examples above), and some of them were not quite as damaging.

All of this to say, not everyone processes their emotions or trauma the same way. Everyone is different. And what works for you may not work for someone else. Anger works for me. Maybe forgiveness works for someone else. Maybe sadness works for yet another person. I know people who are completely internal processors, who can't talk about what they're going through AT ALL until months after it's over. The bottom line is that this is what works for me, and so far it's only served my emotional well-being, at least in the long-term. Some trauma may take longer than others to heal, but at least I know I'll get through.