#And they fill me with a deep dread
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chat i think i might be aromantic
#not sure tho but like#maybe it's just been a while since i've made a deep connection with someone#but at the same time the thought of being in a committed capital R Relationship fills me with dread#aromantic#aromanticism#aro spec#grayromantic#aroace spectrum#aroace#lgbtq+
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i spend five seconds thinking about capitalism and the current state of the economy and want to run screaming into the nearest body of water
#the thought of returning to work fills me with DEEP existential dread#DEEP DEEP depression man#we as a country are so so so fucked#we are cooked#it's so hard to look at my little siblings and the other young folks i know and not just#idk. tell them to give up now because no matter how hard they try it will NEVER be enough. never#but that's not helpful so idk
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#as of right now im still not including the 9 Rings in my world building because they make no sense
Aww, that's too bad, but i get it. The 9 circles have a lot of fun story potential, but I can understand not wanting to try to incorporate something into your world building if it doesn't make sense to you. At the end of the day, you're the writer of these fics. So if something doesn't make sense to YOU, that's going to make it harder for you to convey it to your readers. Writing is hard, so you should do what you have to to make it less so while still being fun on your end.
But may I make a suggestion? How about you put a pin in this whole Circle thing and set it aside to mull over again later? I think I recall you mentioning that chapter three is going to go over Pentagram City world building stuff, so i can see why you might want to have some of this information hashed-out. But unless locations like Imp City are absolutely VITAL for this upcoming chapter, maybe put that off for later? Save that info for a future installment? Maybe all you need for everything to click into place is for another little lore tidbit to come your way, like with Andrealphus' palace?
I know I tend to get stuck on world building stuff too (ive tried my hand at DMing for my dnd group, believe me i know exactly how easy it is to get stuck on tiny world building details) The best thing to do when that happens to me is to step back for a bit and come back later with fresh eyes. Perhaps that'll help here too? If not, again, your the writer. Do what's right by you😁👍
The thing about world-building is that it is subject to change based on what fic I'm writing or what I need it to be. Even if I'm not including the 9 Circles in my base Hellaverse World Building, it's definitely something I'm keeping on the back-burner in case I do ever decide to incorporate it in a fic.
I'm not opposed to the 9 Circles being a thing, I just have a hard time making sense of it. There are a lot of ways to make it work, but so far, none of them work in a way that satisfies me. Fic 5 of Just Kiss Already will be the first deep-dive into the world-building I've concocted for the series, but most of that will be surrounding Cannibal Town and a specific punishment I came up for all the cannibals. It is Hell, afterall. It's meant to punish the wicked, and I like the idea that that comes with specific punishments for specific Sinners that's utilized in a way that punishes ALL Sinners.
I'm debating on whether I should make the world-building post for Cannibal Town now or wait until Fic 5 drops. It's one of my favorite headcanons because it explains how Hell kept the population under control until the Exterminations began (in somewhat recent years) and it gives me a lot of Alastor angst to work with, which is always a top my top priority.
#who knows? one day i may end up using the 9 Circles#its all about what I need for the fic#but with how things are looking now it works more for my world building if Pentagram City is the only section of the Pride Ring#if the 9 Circles are a thing in the Hellaverse shows I really hope we get more insight on them#I wanna know things SO BAD#I love exploring the world so much#thank goodness I have the creative freedom to do this without reading the Bible#I like doing my research but is it really worth the risk of bringing up my religious trauma?#maybe one day when the sight of it doesn't make my skin crawl#or fill me with a deep sense of dread#anon#anonymous#World Building#The 9 Circles#Dantes Circles
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6:30 am. Sleep still eludes me
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i hate that duality that your mind can be your safe heaven that helps you get through some difficult things, keeps you going and brings you happiness at the worst of times. and at the very same time it could be your worst tormentor that won't let you rest and won't let you breathe, literally for no particular reason at all. and you can't leave or silence it. can't get it to stop when it gets dark in there. can't get the light in when you desperately need to feel a respite instead of suffocation.
#its so difficult#sometimes its too much to handle#yeah particularly today im just.. screaming internally#and the inability to do something YOU LOVE due to your brain having one of those bad days so everything feels fucking BAD is just so unfAIR#its frustrating#the only thing you can do is sob apparently#my room doesnt feel like my room anymore all i feel is fear and dread#i just dont understand why and how it came to this point i want out#nothing grounds me to reality or to my normal state and im afraid#instead of watch fav movie to get better ill count the duration time and decide thats its too long i dont have that much time#i will be painfully aware of numbers and wb scared of them and then ill just not move at all immobilized at place#i cant#all i could do is desperately bother my friends trying to connect to them and hiding that obvious ache#i dont have capacity to soothe myself with my favorite guys and gals from games and movies i dont feel anything at all#and i hate that but also i cant do anything im so idk what i feel like but like im not anything#i lost myself i lost my favorite things to do and my hobbies and my spark and everything i dont even know anymore#on small bad days you could conjure a good thoughts and watch somethinf and think about what makes you happy#theres a void in my head now that just counts and counts and counts and cant do nothing#i will just open up a chat w friends and look at empty textspace i want to connect so badly but i wont send anything just freeze still#i dont feel that im in here but i want badly to be here and yet i cant grasp anything to still keep myself real#and like i have a feeling that in next 2 hours I'll just vanish spmething bad will happn carcrash orso i cantbe spendin much timeon anythin#i hate this#suddenly your brain just want you dead and fills you with dread unimaginable and my dumbass thinks that it's right#that my brain is right and im inclined to believe in this shit. im not but deep down i kind of is so thats why this anxiety causes me probl#ms for the whole week i didnt done anything i just could not i want it to stop#its so sure of itself that i will pass away in couple of hours by unknown reasons that it imagined so why even try
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#my kids have a lockdown drill at school today#they always think of it as a fun game but it fills me with a deep sense of existential dread
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and i do not think i am making a cohesive argument in this paper at all. but what can you do
#i’m still not done with the draft and the idea of revising fills me with deep dread#but i feel like i keep bouncing back and forth between like gender ideology magic play and like. it’s all tied together in my brain but i do#not know if the written progression is logical for someone else to follow#jules.txt
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Listen.
I know that this is by all means the more accurate and correct way to spell “Knocknarea”, being the Irish spelling and everything. Because of this, it almost feels like I can’t really complain.
But fuck it, I don’t care, I don’t like it. Sue me.
#fate grand order#fate go#fgo#fgo valentines#castoria#caster artoria#artoria caster#knocknarea#like I can’t explain it any better#I know it’s correct but I still hate it#it fills me with a strange feeling of dread#deep foreboding for when lb6 hits NA
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was on such a good run of dredge not really Getting To Me n then i went to the twisted strand & the trees fucking moved. absolutely fuck that
#yelling at clouds#im not enjoying being chased by the shouty volcano guys#but they are not filling me with the same bone deep dread of realising there Was in fact just a path there. And Now There Isn't.
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Or when you remember the facts of a memory but not the memory itself. I know for a fact that my late mother told us she loved us so often it was annoying(for younger me, anyway), but I can no longer recall any specific instance of this happening. Eventually, I'm afraid my memory of her will fade to the point that I will start doubting she even said it at all. I've lost so much of her, her voice, her smile, I don't want to lose her words too.
The most terrifying part of having memory issues is when you can feel something from 5 seconds ago be thrown out the window and there's an empty hole where it once was. You remember that you forgot something.
#memory issues#of all my symptoms it's the only one that fills me with such a bone-deep dread#text post
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#i get the weirdest looks whenever i tell people what i think abt myself. when i tell people i think on some spiritual leveli might be dead#idek how to express it anymore. nothing feels right. the things that should make me happy instead fill me with absolute dread and sadness#i know nothing good is going to last. why would it. im not supposed to be here. the world has to correct itself as best it can#on some deep-seated level i know that it'd all work out better for everyone if i died. i just don't know how to make that happen#but im not supposed to be here. i know the exact moment i was meant to die and i saw it slipping away#call it hallucination but i could see it happen. i could see the way the world shifted. i could feel my heart beat wrong. i felt the change#and the arms digging into my ribs. and the wrenching from what was meant to be into what shouldn't have been#the world just broke for me and i could see it happen and it was never fixed.#i don't know that it can be fixed with me still in it
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sometimes I think about how I would feel more comfortable if I was born a man because then I wouldn’t feel/be seen as ugly for not wanting to wear makeup or unhygienic for not wanting to shave all my body hair and it makes me want to throw up
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i am legit emotional about this
#SOMETHING ABOUT IT MAN#THE CULMINATION OF MULTIPLE TRIBAL QUESTS#THE THEME OF COMMUNITY AND HOPE AND COMING TOGETHER FOR SOME FUN AT THE END OF THE UNIVERSE#THE FUCKING RAD CUTSCENE SEQUENCE#im tearing at the walls dudes#also. commemorates the first and only time seeing the words 'several cutscenes will play in sequence'-#-filled me with ecstatic excitement instead of Deep Dread#ff14#ff14 endwalker#stop talking to yourself flight
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getting the biggest, scariest bastard at the pub in your bed must have been one of your greatest achievements, especially after watching the way he turned down a few girls prior to you.
he glanced at you each time, disregarding the way the poor things scuttled off in embarrassment; their confidence dampened. it's like he was preening under your attention, and even underneath that silly balaclava of his, you picked up on the way he seemed to flush. his shoulders became more square, and his chest seemed to puff out more. the air around him became more charged with his cockiness rather than the pointless attempts at hiding himself from the other patrons. surely he's aware that he's the centre of the room, no matter which one.
he only grew more bold until he was right at your side, and you held his gaze the entire time.
now, he rewards you with the greatest dicking-down of your life, his fat cock stretching you impossibly thin, the thick girth bullying its way into you over and over again. he fucks you like a man starved, touches you as if he's trying to sink his hands beneath your soft skin and stroke your bones.
although nothing could have prepared you for how fucking filthy his mouth is. his voice holds the right amount of grittiness, the kind that makes your eyes roll back as he whispers the nastiest things in your ear, his accent adding to the thrill his words send down your spine. each moan that fell from his mouth, each promise of ruining you for anyone else after him, each pet name he called you had you going brainless on his cock, your sensitive bundle of nerves twitching under the pads of his fingers as he follows through with his promise. maybe if you were any more lucid, you might have realised it sounded more like a threat rather than just plain dirty talk.
the next morning, you woke up to an aching body, a bottle of water and a box of tylenol on your bedside table, and no stranger in your bed. this may be the greatest one-night stand you've ever had.
well, it was until you realised a couple of weeks later that you're still getting off to the image of him blanketing you and that damn voice of his purring low in your ear. your fingers circle your clit, your eyes unfocused as you imagine him on top of you, taking you deep right where he belongs, and when you think about how he growled at you to soak his cock like a good girl, you come all over your fingers with a humiliatingly loud whine.
it only gets worse from there. you can no longer come to porn unless the person in the video resembles the big boy who rearranged your guts, and even that is a feat of its own. you can't find anyone who has similar tattoos, similar scars, or even a similar voice. reading smut can only get you so far, and some nights, you go to bed feeling defeated because you just couldn't orgasm.
you get so desperate you start searching for those dirty little audios people post online, and for a while, you manage to make yourself come (maybe not as hard, but at this point, you'll take anything). the voices that rumble through your headphones aren't as husky as your mystery man, and their accents aren't exactly close to his, but it holds you off... until it doesn't. and now you're desperate to find him again, but he's probably long gone now.
you can't believe it; the fucker really did ruin you.
it's not until a few months later that you hear that familiar voice again, and your knees almost give out in the middle of the damn store.
(they actually do when simon, he tells you through hungry kisses, bends you in half in the dreadful alleyway, your poor cunt taking each brutal fill of that cock you've been craving so badly.
"she's fuckin' squeezin' me, sweet'art. missed me tha' much?" he chuckles hoarsely in your ear, and you would have fallen over if not for his firm hold keeping you upright.
yep, he can fuck right off again. you'll get your lick back. just as soon as your legs stop shaking and you're not seeing double.)
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no matter how hard you try, you just can’t make yourself cum tonight.
the position is wrong, your toy is still dead as hell so you had to resort to using your fingers, but those aren’t hitting somewhere deep and scratching that itch you have of wanting to be filled, and it has you crying in frustration.
god, you just wanted to fuck yourself into a good orgasm once. but your fingers are starting to feel numb, and your arm is cramping up, and you feel annoyingly sore already. you know you should call it quits; that you should just douse the flames of your desire with a cold shower and just retire for the night, but you are so, so stubborn and angry and—
you snarl, ripping your fingers out of your cunt before twisting to snatch your phone from where you’d flung it close to the wall. you use your clean hand, wiping the other one on your bedsheets—you might have to wash them tonight, anyway—and sends a message to johnny.
cant cum <
fuck me pls <
you drop your phone to your stomach, hearing yourself heave as your body catches up to the exhaustion. you stare up at the ceiling, trying to ignore the blazing heat and the soreness and the emptiness, and focusing instead on the little spark of need that you refuse to extinguish because you know johnny. you know he’d reply soon.
(he’s always fucked you good; filled you up with slurring words crooned to your ears, his big hands stretching across your stomach because he swears underneath all this skin and fat, he feels his cock fucking in, in, in.
he loves taunting you when your quiet tears turn into soft sobs—ye gonna cum soon, bon? show me yer cummin’ face, huh? c’mon bon.
he is so, so mean, and you need nothing less right now.)
true to your thoughts, your phone buzzes two minutes later. you pick it back up, grunting in confusion when instead of johnny’s name, you see john’s.
is he alright? did he need something from you? god, you think he’d let you do it tomorrow or at least in a couple of hours?
you tap at the notification, only to feel the curiosity bleed out of you to be replaced with startling horror. it’s like ice water was dumped on you, extinguishing every embers of your libido because there, on your screen, was john. replying to your message.
you had—
> quite forward of you. well, since you asked so nicely, we’re on our way.
you had sent the message to—
three knocks—taptap-tap—suddenly thud on your door. you gasp, looking up from your phone to stare at your locked door, dreadful.
you sent it to the damn group chat.
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part 02
#suns#the bedsheets are gonna be soiled alright#task force 141#task force 141 x reader#tf 141 x reader#johnny soap mctavish x reader#cod x reader#cod smut#edited
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DPxDC Police Officer Wes
"Excuse me, sorry, Mr. Batman, sir!"
That's definitely not a voice he knows. Bruce halts in his steps, aborting his usual retreat into the shadows, and turns back around. Commissioner Gordon, who was still in the process of wrapping up his small talk with Tim - the term 'grumpy banter' would describe their conversation more accurately at this point, but Bruce knows better than to argue with the two over semantics - also turns around, pausing in the middle of the sentence.
A ginger haired boy, wide-eyed and obviously either nervous, starstruck, or both, is staring at him from a few feet behind the Commissioner. Bruce can see a few more faces peeking from behind the half-opened door to the roof, all of them filled with anticipation. He knows two of them: detectives that work directly under Gordon, Isaiah Vasquez, and Tasha Kuznets. The third one, a black man in his forties, also looks vaguely familiar, but Bruce can't recall a name.
Yet, he knows absolutely nothing about the ginger, who hasn't blinked once since Bruce noticed him and is now biting on his lips. But he is wearing a police uniform, so, possibly, a new hire?
"Weston, get out," Jim sighs, waving a shooing hand at the boy with a look of barely concealed exasperation on his face. Definitely a new hire, then. That's the level of annoyance he reserves only for the overachieving rookies that he begrudgingly likes but never admits to.
"I-" newly named Weston starts but cuts himself off. Then, he takes a deep breath and straightens up, "Just one question, sir!"
"Weston, I swear to God," Commissioner pinches the bridge of his nose, lifting his glasses up a bit. But Tim tilts his head to the side, looking in the ginger's direction and raising his eyebrows. His domino mask hides it, but Bruce knows his menagerie of kids well enough to see that he is at least a bit curious about the boy. So he turns back around fully and inclines his head, giving Weston his attention. He doesn't mind talking with those rare few members of GCPD that Gordon likes.
Weston perks up like a very eager dog at the sight of a treat. In the contrast lighting of the BatSignal, his hair looks like it's on fire.
"If you don't mind, was the 'Smiling case' relevant to Joker in any sense?" The boy asks, loud and clear - maybe even too loud - with his unblinking gaze still glued to Bruce. Like he is afraid that if he closes his eyes for a moment, Gotham's vigilantes are going to disappear without a trace.
It's not a question Bruce expected, to be honest. The 'Smiling case' was closed just a few days ago, Gordon was still not done with the paperwork, as far as Oracle's records went. A murder of three, where all victims had some badly drawn clown makeup on them - post-mortem makeup, as it turned out, the murderer tried to deceive the investigation by trying to cover it up as Joker's doing. Only, he didn't do a good job at it, all the Bats were way too familiar with the Mad Clown's signature style. Not to mention that Joker was still securely sealed in his Arkham cell.
Bruce turns to look at Red Robin. He was the one working on the case, so Bruce gives him the choice of answering or not. Tim jerks his shoulder, looks the ginger boy up and down, and then shakes his head.
"Aside from a poor attempt at leading the investigation in the wrong direction, no, it wasn't," Tim shrugs, "The guy isn't even a Gothamite, he knew of Joker only from the rumors and media. And the clown faces were a makeshift cover-up."
Weston visibly deflates at the answer. Bruce watches in a slight amusement as Tasha nudges the other officer, one he doesn't remember the name of, in the shoulder, and stage-whispers, "Pay up." The older man huffs and disappears behind the door, followed by Isaiah.
"Thank you, Mr. Red Robin," Wesley nods politely and takes a step back, his eyes darting to Gordon. Tim snorts a laugh but doesn't correct him. Commissioner, though, gives the boy a long, dreadful sigh.
"Is that all, officer Weston?" He asks, not even bothering to hide his 'tired dad' voice.
The ginger nods again, "Yes, Commissioner Gordon."
"Then get out of my sight before I make all your shifts double," Jim commands, and Weston nearly runs back to the door with a speed that makes Bruce involuntarily think of speedsters. Must be the red hair.
Tim turns to look at the Commissioner right as the door to the roof slams shut behind both Weston and Kuznets.
"Who is he?"
Bruce is also a bit curious now. New recruits in the GCPD are nothing out of the ordinary, but Jim seems to know this one personally, and Kuznets, who is one of his trusted detectives, seems to also like the officer.
Gordon briefly huffs and stuffs his hands in the pockets of his coat. It's quite chilly today; Bruce makes a mental note to switch everyone to their more insulated suits. Scarecrow is currently out on the loose. It won't do any good if any of the Bats went down with a cold.
"Wesley Weston, fresh out of the Academy," Commissioner sighs, but, somehow, Bruce gets the impression it's not a sound of simple exasperation over a new officer eager to prove himself. Jim proves his assumptions by looking around the shoulder to make sure the door to the roof is still closed, and continuing, "Born and raised in the middle of nowhere, Illinois, but GCPD was his first choice. He explained it as having a few friends living in the city, which, unfortunately, proved to be right."
Bruce frowns and grunts, alarm bells ringing in his mind. Deliberately choosing to work in Gotham despite not being from here can be caused by many reasons, and nearly none of them are good reasons.
"Unfortunately?" Tim inquires suspiciously, also with a slight frown, but Jim waves them both off.
"No, he's got nothing to do with any of the criminals. It was the first thing I checked when he mentioned 'friends'. If anything, he's quite on the opposite; he'd make a great detective one day, what with his countless conspiracy theories, determination and the insane urge to dig up every single detail known to mankind," he laughs a bit, and Bruce notices a slight, teasing twinkle to the Commissioner's eyes behind his glasses. "On his second day here, the boy went and plain told me he knows that Batman is Bruce Wayne and that he's saying that because he knows I know and he is aware we're working together."
The alarm bells in Bruce's mind turn into sirens. They never discussed the matters of Bats' real identities with Gordon - Bruce had his suspicions that the man knew it and simply kept his status quo. In all fairness, James Gordon didn't make it to Gotham's Commissioner by sheer dumb luck, so all the Bats kind of expected him to figure it out one day.
But Jim knowing who's behind the cowl is one thing. A new, out of town officer is quite another.
"What did you answer?" Tim asks with an easy smile, but Bruce sees the barely noticeable tension in his shoulders.
Gordon nearly grins, "I didn't believe him, which turned out to be exactly what he expected. He also told me of some kind of a familial curse - he called it 'Cassandra's curse', I believe you're aware of what it means. And then, when I naturally expressed my doubts, proceeded to show it in action. Believe me, it works. Sometimes, it even works too well," the man looks to the side with an amused huff, "That's why officer Weston is strictly prohibited from voicing his opinions on any of the ongoing cases outloud. Detective Kuznets almost missed some critical evidence because of his input once."
Cassandra's curse, Bruce has heard of that saying before. Granted, he never thought it could be a real thing, and he is not intending on starting now, not before he investigates the matter thoroughly. But he does trust Jim - years and years of working together would do that to people - so he simply nods in understanding, leaving the matter of supernatural aside for now.
"What about his friends?" Red Robin asks again, and that causes Gordon to wince momentarily.
"That, I believe, was the cause of his performance just now. One of his friends runs an occult shop, and the other one loves to hang around our forensic scientists and coroners occasionally," the man waves their immediate frowns off again, "I don't go into the morgue often, but I heard he's good at finding out the causes of death by a few looks at the body. And they run a lot of bets between them three," Jim shrugs nonchalantly, "The last one was about the 'Smiling case', I take it."
"Any reason to worry about them?" Bruce can't help but ask. It's not unusual for people to be weird in this city, and running an occult shop and hanging out with pathologists are not exactly reasons to go through background checks when they've got much more pressing issues on their plate. Namely, Scarecrow: it's been more than a week since his escape, but none of the Bats have heard anything about him yet. Oracle is already busy enough with that and the current uprise of gang activity in the Narrows, there's no point in piling even more work on her shoulders just because of some gossip that rubs Bruce the wrong way.
Gordon, thankfully, doesn't take his question lightly and pauses, scratching his chin.
"No," he finally concludes after some thought, "They are a bit strange for non-Gothamites, I'll say that, but in terms of this city? They are no stranger than my neighbors from upstairs." Gordon doesn't tell them to leave it alone, Bruce notices. However, it's probably not because of any doubts he has; the Bats just have a habit of tripplechecking everything anyways, and who would know that better than Jim Gordon?
A quick glance to Tim proves Bruce's thoughts. Red Robin, despite the mask, looks thoughtful. How many cases is he already working on, seven? Bruce makes another mental note to ask Alfred to cut his caffeine intake. It might be a bit hypocritical of him, what with his own plans to send a few messages to JLD about the 'Cassandra's curse', but Bruce excuses himself as the adult in the family.
Commissioner Gordon clears his throat.
"Do you want me to turn around so you can make your mysterious escape, or-" he starts, but both vigilantes are already gone by the time he finishes, "-or not, okay."
#dpxdc#dc x dp#batman#tim drake#red robin#wesley weston#wes weston#police officer!wes#jim gordon#commisioner gordon#bruce wayne#from a fic i never wrote#and will not write#feel free to use#cork prompts#it turned out longer than i thought#cassandras curse
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