#And so the plot thickens… | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

lady-october · 6 months ago

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Pairing : Oli Sykes x Female Assistant Genre : Romance, Smut (18+ Only) Previous Chapters : Available on Ao3

Story Content : Smut, Drama, Choking, Power dynamics, Romance, Rough sex, Sadism/Masochism, Dom/Sub, Mentions of addiction & self harm, Degradation, Praise kink, Exhibitionism, Orgasm denial, Breath play, Dirty talk.

Summary :

“Don’t you see what a dangerous game you’re playing? Why did you have to look so fucking delicious tonight, I couldn’t stop undressing you in my mind, thinking of all the twisted things I want to do to you.” She had only worked on the touring team for three weeks, but her mind had been hijacked by dirty thoughts of a man she barely even talked to. Sure, he was very attractive, but were there other reasons she was so uncontrollably drawn to him? This is a filthy story of pain, self discovery, and love.

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Chapter 20: Is this what you wanted?

Chapter title is lyrics from "Kool-Aid"

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Darkness fell as soon as the door slammed shut behind us.

I don’t know how Oli could see anything in his hotel room when I was struggling to make out even the most basic of shapes after having been out in the bright corridor.

Where Mat just saw me be hauled off to – very obviously – be fucked.

But before I knew it I was no longer draped over Oli’s shoulder and my body had successfully connected with the mattress where he’d thrown me.

Panic washed over me like a tsunami as what just happened began to sink in, making me worry about their friendship; making me worry about Oli, and about Mat; making me worry I’ve fucked everything up beyond repair, that there’s no going back, that tonight’s sex with Oli – regardless of how badly I craved it – might put a nail in our coffin.

I heard myself hyperventilate as my eyes struggled to adjust to the room, faint washes of blue from the moonlight spilling through the large arch windows painting the room in navy and grey hues, the silhouette of the man at the end of the bed nearly completely black, with a slight sparkle hitting his eyes as his hands worked their way downwards to undo the buttons he had just buttoned not even a half hour ago, the light and excited energy he was emitting then having been snuffed out, replaced with the anger that permeated the air so thickly it was hard to breathe.

I couldn’t blame him. He had begged me multiple times to not tell him, to not torment him with the mental images of me and his best friend, yet I couldn’t help myself. I had to tell him.

“Strip.” He commanded as he shrugged out of his dress shirt, throwing it onto the floor.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” The heartbeat in my throat threatened to choke me as I pushed the words out.

He huffed out a breath, “Why? Cause we ran into Mat?”

I tried to search for the right words, the words that would convey how I felt, how worried I was, but everything sounded wrong in my head – so self centred.

“You scared he’ll figure out we’re fucking tonight? Cause I’m pretty sure that cat’s out of the bag, love.” He said with sarcasm in his voice when I didn’t respond.

“I don’t want to be the reason you two fall out.” I blurted out, wanting to correct him, wanting him to know my fears aren’t just about myself.

There was a pause as he undid his belt, his head dipped before he muttered, “You know nothing about our friendship. Strip.”

The last word was nearly growled, springing my body into action, making me pull my sweater over my head out of instinct. It was only after I threw it to the side that I realised what I was doing, that I still wasn’t sure we should be doing this – but not unsure enough to use the safeword that would put a stop to it.

“Y-you could go talk to him if you want, and we can do this after.” My words came so meek, so soft, so pathetic.

“And tell him what? That he’s been kissing the mouth I cum in?” He spat, pulling the belt out of the trousers so fast it made a whirring sound. The rage simmering under the surface, close to boiling over, “That my whore wants to fuck him?” His belt hit the wall across the room, and from the sound the buckle made on impact I’d be surprised if it didn’t leave a dent.

I shouldn’t want to do this, I should say the safeword and talk to him, but the truth was the rage made me want him more, made my core throb in anticipation, made the wetness between my legs build to an uncomfortable level.

“I never said that.” The familiar fluster was back in my voice. Predictable and uncontrollable.

I hated myself.

He shook his head as his cock sprung free from the trousers that fell to the floor.

I instinctively crept backwards when he got on the mattress and began stalking towards me, adrenaline rushing through my veins, but he was quick, grabbing my leg, pulling me towards him, holding onto me with a strength I hadn’t felt from him before.

It hit me why I needed a safeword tonight; he was done holding back. Instead it was up to me when I couldn’t take it anymore.

“Don’t you?” His hands busied themselves with undoing my jeans as I fumbled for words, not sure what to answer considering the attraction I felt for Mat. My hands reached for his in an attempt to slow us down, but he slapped them away. My vision had adjusted enough to the darkness that I could see the anger crystal clear in Oli’s eyes; he was fuming, but also clearly in agony, overcome with jealousy.

All I could do was open and close my mouth, speechless, as he peeled my jeans off of me.

“What is it, love? You want my blessing to fuck my best friend?” The jeans were thrown with the same intensity as all the other garments, the close proximity of the rage flooding me with yet another rush of adrenaline.

I shook my head, “N-no.”

His eyes fell to the underwear I was still wearing after my date with Mat. I had completely forgotten to take them off before coming over, being too busy panicking over talking to Oli about everything that’s happened the last 24 hours.

He must have seen the panic in my eyes, his gaze growing even darker as he yanked them off of me.

“You shouldn’t have told me any of this.” He muttered as he spread my legs, crawling between them, crawling on top of me.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered as his hair tickled my face, the sex I was trying to postpone having become imminent as I knew I couldn’t bring myself to actually stop it. His otherwise hazel eyes like blue flames in the moonlit room, only inches from mine, both intense with emotion yet somehow dead and void of them at the same time.

“Shut up, Alice.” Is all he said before he pushed into me carelessly, painfully, making me cry out as he buried himself inside me deep enough that our hips connected in one hard thrust.

My world was spinning, my heart racing, and my breath catching, but through the cloud of overwhelming sensations I could hear his uneven breaths joining mine, feel the heat from the puffs of air leaving his mouth against my shoulder, through the mesh fabric of my crop top as his head had fallen forward, his soft locks pushing into my face, obscuring some of my vision.

Fleetingly I wondered if whatever magic scent he always emitted came from a hair product, as I was suddenly flooded by it, my nerves inexplicitly soothed by the calming aroma.

But considering the situation, this was not the time for settled nerves, made very clear by the hand that appeared on my collarbone, holding me firmly, possessively, in place as he pushed himself up, staring intensely at me under heavy eyelids.

The hand holding me in place followed the curve of my neck to my shoulder, the corners of his lips twisting into a sadistic smile as his grip tightened, pushing me down harder onto his cock, effectively pinning me against him.

Excitement and fear exploded in my chest as I realised I couldn’t escape even if I wanted to, knowing he wants to hurt me, torture me, and the only way out of this is one single word in the entire English language.

With that knowledge I couldn’t help but feel curiosity, making me want to explore my options, to try and escape just to see what would happen.

“Get off me.” I whispered shyly, testing the waters.

He huffed out a laugh that made his dick tense inside me, amused by my pathetic attempt, followed by his less busy hand grabbing the hem of my top along with my bra, and yanking it upwards to free one of my breasts with a bounce.

I yelped, still not accustomed to him using his full strength while handling me.

“Stop.” I said with a bit more authority.

But he completely ignored it, instead he wrapped his fingers around my nipple, causing my eyes to widen, knowing how sensitive my nipples are, knowing how easy it is to inflict pain upon them.

“Wait, no, wait–”

“This will hurt.” He said with a massive grin before his fingers dug into my shoulder even more, and he pinched my nipple, twisting it as he went.

I screamed, trying to push him off of me but he was immovable. I could hear him laughing as the searing pain shot through me like lightning.

“No, no, no, no, please!” I begged, trying to materialise the word that he told me to use if I needed him to ease up, and thankfully it came to me quickly, “Pink, pink, piiiink!”

While the tension on my nipple eased at the word, he was still pinching it agonisingly hard.

“Is that it, is that all you can take?” He asked, mockingly. As I looked up at his gleeful eyes, glowing with a depraved excitement, I felt the delicious high rush over me, the wonderful aftermath of having him inflict pain on me, the sweet release I’ve been craving for hours.

“Disappointing.” He added, but he didn’t seem disappointed, no, he seemed like he was having the time of his life figuring out my limits with his throbbing cock buried deep inside me, my legs folded, spread uncomfortably wide to accommodate the way he sat between them, keeping me in place, preventing me from wriggling out of his grasp.

I released a sigh as he let go of my nipple in order to spit in his hand, but it returned to pinching immediately, this time the added wetness causing a burning sensation on the very sore flesh there. His eyelids grew heavier along with his breathing as he watched my face twist in pain. I inhaled sharply as he applied further pressure, his length inside me periodically twitching, tensing, throbbing, letting me know how much he was getting off on this despite not actually fucking me yet.

“Let’s try again, shall we?”

My eyes widened as his grin turned sinister once more.

While he didn’t pinch and twist with as much strength as before, I still screamed. I tried to pull his hand off of me, I clawed and shoved at him, but nothing worked, he just laughed as I writhed on his cock from all my thrashing around. Yet I was intent on not using the safeword, or telling him to ease up. Instead I wanted to fight him in earnest, to push myself, to push him, to see where both our limits actually are.

It wasn’t until I dug my nails into his arm so deep that I might have drawn blood that he stopped pinching me, only to slap me across my face, my head snapping to the side from the impact. My hand instinctively reached for my burning cheek but he slapped that away too before grabbing my chin to yank me back into his vision.

I was expecting to see rage on him, but was instead met with glazed over, hungry eyes that looked like they were about to eat me alive as he was hovering over me again, close to my face.

His grip on me changed, shifted, taking hold of my hip as his other hand pushed behind my neck to hold my head still, keeping his intense eyes on mine as he started moving inside me.

So many parts of me were stinging and burning, making me feel high as a kite while the waves of pleasure rushed me with each pounding thrust.

My moans came heavy, louder than usual.

Suddenly he held me closer against him, rolling onto his back, leaving me to sit on top of him, straddling him. The hand on my neck lacing into my hair, pulling me in for a desperate kiss that nearly brought the tears back to my eyes, the fingers that had been digging into my hips caressed over the sore skin of my ass that he’d been working on while carrying me from the rooftop.

I flinched from the burning touch.

He pulled my head away from his lips to hold me at an awkward, uncomfortable angle. I looked down at the man inside me, below me, a confusing mix of anger and wonder emitting from him as he studied my features. His lips parted, panting, glistening from our kiss. Burning eyes and wild hair painting dark swirls on the light pillow underneath him.

The fiery eyes turned dark again right before more pain was inflicted on my ass. A loud slap echoed through the room, only filled with our laboured breathing a moment ago, now filled with my cries of pain as I fumbled to keep my weight on my arms so I wouldn’t just be held up by my hair.

The fingers on my behind dug into the soft, extremely sore skin there, clutching my cheek in order to move me on him. I felt an overwhelming mixture of pain and pleasure that nearly made me give in; nearly made me tell him to ease up on me, or even consider saying the safeword. My whimpers telling the story of my emotions to perfection, I could barely distinguish myself whether the sounds spilling from my mouth were that of ecstasy or agony.

Meanwhile the lazy, sinister smile on Oli was conveying that this is exactly how he wanted me.

An even louder slap echoed all around us and I heard a strangled moan leave me.

“P-pink.” I whispered, stuttered, as he laughed at my suffering, digging his nails back into me, moving me on him faster as I struggled to keep my weight on my shaking arms. Wave upon wave of pleasure washed over me as the adrenaline from the pain filled me, the cock inside me was hitting all the right spots from this angle, my clit grinding on his pubic bone with each movement.

“I used to daydream about this, about torturing you,” His words came so deep he sounded demonic, “your flushed, tear stained cheeks.”

Another slap, a bit lighter this time, but I still produced a similar moan, the skin so sore I wasn’t sure I’d be able to sit tomorrow. Instantly more waves of pleasure came as the immediate pain subsided.

His words made me realise I could feel the warm liquid run down my face, I hadn’t noticed I’d started crying again. As with everything else, I couldn’t tell if it was from bliss or distress, or maybe simply from being overwhelmed, but I could feel my orgasm build, and build because of the same emotion that had caused it.

“You’re stunning like this.” Another slap, he let go of my hair this time, letting me fall forward onto him, onto his warm, ink covered chest, “My perfect whore.” He said into my hair as my moans came louder, faster, matching how he was moving me on him.

“Does it feel good, love?”

Slap.

I trembled, my moans and whimpers coming broken with my hitching breaths.

“Y–yes.” I answered once the majority of the stinging sensation settled.

I realised he was also shaking as he ground me down on him harder, in longer strokes.

Slap.

This time he groaned alongside my cries.

“Are you close?” From the way he asked it, I assumed he was close as well.

“Very.” I whimpered.

His fingers shoved back into my hair, pulling me back into his vision. His eyes glazed over, studying me with a pained expression, baring his teeth slightly as he started pumping me harder.

Slap.

Euphoria shifted his features as I cried out in pain, but as soon as the worst of it faded I felt myself melt against him, my climax so close I could taste it.

He must have seen it on me because his eyes widened with excitement, and right as my orgasm started he threw me off of him. I landed with a thud on the mattress next to him, disoriented and empty.

“No– wait, p-please–” I reached for my pussy to try and salvage what was left of my orgasm, so it wouldn’t be completely ruined, but he was already there, grabbing my wrist as his other hand held my chin.

For a moment I felt as if Oli was no longer here when I looked up at the man above me, as if he’d been replaced by some vicious animal intent on tearing me apart, the vision so shocking I abandoned any attempts to save my climax.

“On the floor.” He said with an eerie calmness, letting go of me entirely, “kneel.”

I instantly obeyed, my limbs feeling like jelly as I fumbled to get on my knees for him.

He shuffled, positioning himself to sit at the end of the bed, fingers shoving back into my hair as he worked his cock over my face.

“The only way you get to cum tonight, is if you say the safeword.” He watched me frown as he said it, feeling torn, wanting the cum. But I had made it this far without tapping out, enjoying his games, and I didn’t want to stop now, “Otherwise, I will make sure you don’t touch yourself until you fall asleep.” The corners of his panting mouth tugged as he implied that I’d sleep here.

An involuntary smile bloomed on my lips through my hazy state.

Which settled it, I wasn’t going to have an orgasm tonight.

“Pinch your nipple for me, love. Let me watch you suffer a bit more.” His words came ragged, clearly close to the edge.

I did as he requested, pinching significantly, much less than he had, suddenly scared of the pain when it was self inflicted.

“Harder.” He growled.

I don’t know if it was his aggression, the pain, or the ruined orgasm, but my core began throbbing deeply as I applied more pressure to my nipple, his eyes glazing over, his movements coming jerky as I whimpered.

“Open your mouth.” He breathed, the cum already spilling from his length as my lips parted for him.

He pushed my head down on him, the cum threatening to make me gag as he shot down my throat, releasing the pressure just in time to avoid it. With both his hands in my hair, holding me passionately as he moaned, the delectable liquid filling my mouth with each shot, his cock tensing in waves against my tongue, driving me wild.

When he was done he released me and I collapsed to the floor, swallowing his load.

The sound of both our heavy breaths filling the air. My gaze settled on him, his eyes towards the ceiling, his cock still bobbing as his head came back up, his hair shifting, falling over his face in order to look down on me with a relaxed grin.

He looked so happy, content.

Sadly it only lasted a moment, his features twisting to something more bitter as he watched me on the floor, as if he sobered up, remembering why we were doing this in the first place.

I watched him get up, walk over to his luggage in the corner and crouch down before it. I sat up, suddenly uncomfortable, the thick sexual tension having left the air much quicker than usual. The sound of a lighter could be heard as he stood back up, puffs of smoke surrounding him while he walked back to the bed, throwing himself onto the mattress. I could smell the familiar scent of cigarette smoke as he walked past me, having smoked for a long time and only quitting a couple of years ago.

“Come here, love.” His words were tender, loving.

I pushed myself up on my unsteady legs, my aching body struggling to stay upright.

Deciding to slip out of my mangled top and bra before getting into bed with him, I nearly lost balance, but I successfully completed my task and made it the to the bed where Oli proceeded to nestle me up against him, kissing the top of my head as I wrapped my arm around his chest.

“I didn’t know you smoked.”

“I don’t.” He responded casually, “Not anymore, just when I’m tense.”

He took another long drag and I watched the ember turn bright orange in his hand before he exhaled, releasing a cloud that was tinted blue with the rest of the room.

I reached out and took the cigarette off of him, inhaling deeply, also feeling rather tense.

“I won’t see Mat anymore.” I said after I handed the cigarette back to him.

He huffed out a breath, shaking his head, “No, I’m not doing that again, I’ve seen how that ends. Do whatever it is you need to do so you can be sure who you want.”

Realisation hit me like a ton of bricks.

I pushed myself up on my elbow to look at him.

“When you said your ex cheated with an old friend…”

“Was wondering if you’d ever piece that together,” He gave me a dejected smile, “Guess I made it a bit obvious just now though, didn’t I?”

I stared at him, confused, wondering why he remained such close friends with Mat after what happened, after his ex had cheated with him.

My forehead knotted into a frown as I searched for the words to ask for clarification, to learn more, but I didn’t know how to approach the delicate topic.

“Why are you still friends with him?”

Such a dumb question, phrased so poorly, so bluntly. I wish I could take it back, but my brain clearly didn’t work after the sex we just had.

It was his turn to frown.

“I mean– beyond the obvious, I know you’re in a band together–” I continued before he cut me off.

“Honestly Alice, it’s not that bloody simple is it?” He said with a sigh, moreso defeated sounding than annoyed. Taking one last drag off the cigarette, he reached over to the nightstand and dropped it into the glass of water resting there, putting the ember out with a hissing noise.

His head hit the pillow again with yet another sigh, sad eyes meeting mine.

“Her name was Fay.”

While I really wanted to hear this story, I didn’t want to contribute to more distress tonight, not after we already had sex – not after we’d already done the thing that should help ease our suffering.

“Oli, you don’t have to–”

“Would you rather not know?” A genuine question, asked calmly, seriously.

“I, I do, a lot actually, but–”

“Then let me tell you.” There was a pained confusion on his features as he spoke the gentle words, pleading to let him vocalise his thoughts to me.

My frown melted away.

“Okay.” I answered softly.

“Her name was Fay.” He started his story again, “She was a good friend of Mat for years. I always enjoyed her company – very wild spirited, would always get us into trouble – but I was never close with her… Well, not until Mat started dating her, and suddenly she was always around.” He laughed nervously, his eyes roaming towards the ceiling as he continued speaking, “I felt like a piece of shit, I would stay up late with her a lot of nights, just chatting each other's ears off, I didn’t even realise I was falling for her until it was too late.”

His arm around me held me closer, caressing me lovingly as he was lost in telling his story.

“It wasn’t unusual though, we’d fallen for each other's girls so many times over the years we pretty much had a protocol for it. As soon as I realised, I told Mat, and we both knew it just meant I should stop hanging out with her alone. Which I did.”

He sighed deeply, “Problem is, Fay does whatever the fuck she wants. She sussed out pretty quickly that I had feelings for her, confronted me, told me she felt the same, told me she’d planned to break up with Mat because of it.”

Glowing eyes shot back to mine, “Not a nice feeling that, so fucking torn between being happy that she felt the same for me, but knowing I can’t allow myself to be with her – also knowing that I’m the only reason they’re breaking up. It’s just a shit show.”

Shaking his head his gaze returned to the ceiling, “Next day Mat told me they broke up, and to my surprise he practically begged me to date her, telling me that we both deserved to be happy, that he’ll get over it, that I was always the better match for Fay anyway. I thought it was nonsense, the proclamations of a heartbroken man, feeling down on himself. I didn’t even consider it until months later when Mat had managed to mend his friendship with her, and everything seemed alright with him again. Then it suddenly got too tempting. In hindsight I should never have acted on it, but we ended up dating for almost a year… I was gonna ask her to marry me. It wasn’t until right before it all blew up that Mat came to me, telling me he fucked up, confessing the feelings for her had resurfaced, telling me she’d been flirting with him too. The jealous twat I am, I instantly confronted Fay; she didn’t deny it, she told me she felt blessed for not only having one soulmate, but two… My heart just shattered.”

Oli’s arm around me had tensed up, the gentle caresses having come to a stop.

Vulnerable eyes flickered to mine before he continued, speaking more thoughtfully.

“She stayed with Mat that night, was at a shared accommodation, I actually caught her leaving his room in the early hours of the morning. I’d stayed outside all night, couldn’t be in the same room as her, not after what she told me – I needed some time. I just sat staring at the beach for hours while they fucked I guess.”

My heart ached for him, leaving me intent on not seeing Mat anymore. Leaving a bad taste in my mouth when it came to Mat in general. I couldn’t believe he would sleep with someone his best friend had been dating for so long, and was so committed to, especially so quickly, regardless of their history.

“This is when I learned what a liar Fay was. She’d told Mat that we’d broken up already, that she felt nothing for me, that she regretted leaving him, and so on.”

“But how could he sleep with her without even talking to you first?”

He gave me a guilty smile, “So, there may have been one small detail I left out.”

I squinted at him, “Go on.”

“I may have slept with his ex too.” My eyes widened in surprise as the guilt on his face intensified, “A couple of them actually.”

I felt my features twist into disbelief, “What?”

“To be fair, he’s slept with a fair few of mine as well.”

I was stunned, confused about their entire friendship.

“We’re both lovesick fools who can’t seem to resist the same women a lot of the time, and while most of it was in our teens and early twenties, it’s happened in more recent years too, just very rarely. We made a point of steering clear of it, to prevent more heartache for both of us.”

“Again, why are you two still friends?” I asked, shaking my head, my original, blunt question, suddenly seeming perfectly appropriate.

He let out a long breath, “He’s my best mate, it just always felt like we didn’t want any birds to get between that, despite this shit happening repeatedly. And to be honest with you, Fay was different for many reasons. I’d never felt quite like that for anyone before her. For better and for worse. She had a way of making you get completely lost in the moment when you were with her, you’d buy whatever lies she sold you. So I can’t even blame Mat, if he’s anything like me – which when it comes to these types of things he sure seems to be – I get why he couldn’t turn her down.”

While not being able to relate to his situation at all, a level of understanding began to surface as he explained.

“I’d never seen him so destroyed afterwards though, I think he’d done anything to set it right. He actually had me move in with him for a while, when I relapsed, to look after me. I’ve cried in the arms of that man more than I care to admit.”

Silence fell for a moment as he stared off into space. My hand began mindlessly trailing his chest which seemed to have pulled him out of whatever thought he was preoccupied with, as he inhaled and began caressing my back again.

“Neither of us talked to Fay ever again, haven’t even said her name in each other's company.”

Thoughtful eyes met mine, the moonlight extenuating his features from this angle, highlighting all the contrast the man next to me has to offer; the sweet and gentle eyes, so easy to get lost in, set in a face filled with strong edges, high cheekbones and inkwork, yet framed by wild locks of hair that should make him look messy, rough, but only added a playful charm to him.

I hadn’t realised how intensely I’d been staring at him until he continued speaking.

“Mat’s a good man, we’ve just got a bit of an odd situation between us. If he knew I had feelings for you, I know he’d take a step back, ignore you like the plague probably after everything with Fay.”

He reached out to touch my face, stroking it tenderly before lacing his fingers into my hair, his thumb brushing my cheek with the same softness. His touch was so sweet, treating me as if I was precious in his hands, another stark contrast from earlier. I felt myself melt into his palm, craving his affection, which seemed to happen like clockwork after we had rougher sex.

“Makes things a bit tricky for me, cause I do have feelings for you.” The words were spoken under his breath, softly, lovingly.

I swallowed, reminded of the high stakes of the situation.

“But if you end up with me I can’t be worrying about you and Mat, I can’t do that again. Which is why I just want you to get whatever you need out of your system when it comes to Mat. You’re clearly interested in him. If it’s him you’d rather be with, I don’t want to start anything proper with you.”

While I couldn’t deny that I was drawn to Mat in a multitude of ways, I already knew how I felt about the man next to me.

“That’s fair, but I already have feelings for you.”

He sucked on his teeth for a second, “So did Fay.”

“I’m not Fay.” I returned quickly.

The smile he gave me was sombre, “No, you’re not, in almost all ways you’re her polar opposite actually – except for the fact that it’s incredibly easy to get lost in the moment with you.”

Understanding the implication of his statement, I was momentarily upset by the fact that he was suggesting I’d be the type of person who cheats, but considering Oli’s history, I quickly pushed that thought aside, knowing his reasons for feeling that way had nothing to do with me.

“So you want me to… explore things with Mat?”

The tension that washed over Oli at my question was almost tangible, “For the sanity and wellbeing of all three of us, I don’t want to know what you two get up to – but please, Alice, if you decide you’re ready to become mine, then be mine.”

It was impossible to do anything but agree with Oli whenever he gave me those pleading eyes.

“Okay.” I whispered before looking away, feeling silly for asking my next question, “Can I still spend the night?”

The tension deflated from him, “Please do.”

Laying my head back on his shoulder, he immediately, eagerly, nestled me back into him, like he craved the intimacy from it just as much as I did. My limbs tangled with his, his warm and loving embrace giving me more comfort than anything I could imagine, making me feel foolish for even contemplating anything with Mat.

But considering the circumstances, it might be even more foolish of me to disregard him entirely, leaving a door open for the future.

Leaving me to wonder what could have been.

“You were incredible tonight.” He whispered into my hair before pressing his cheek to the top of my head.

Warmth spread in my chest, my lips curving into a smile, “Yeah?” “Yeah. I love the way you fought me, you’re stronger than you look.”

I huffed out a small laugh, “Oh please, I couldn’t budge you.”

“You weren’t that far off you know, and my arm’s gonna be stinging for a while.”

Knowing I was more than likely quite far off, I still enjoyed how he indulged me.

“I’m not sure I’ll be able to sit tomorrow.” I retorted teasingly.

I felt his features shift against my head, and from the way he spoke I could tell he was also smiling, “You love it though, don’t you?”

“Very much.”

A comfortable silence fell as I listened to his heartbeat, his steady breathing tickling my forehead. My mind wandered back to the rooftop, regret filling me, wishing I could have just enjoyed the date with him like a normal person.

“I’m sorry for ruining our date, the rooftop… No one’s ever done anything so romantic for me.”

“Not to try and bribe you or anything, but we could have a lot of nights like that, love.”

Half of me wanted that future so badly it ached, yet the other half was sounding the alarm bells, ready to run for the hills at the idea of being in another committed relationship. I knew it was an irrational fear, but I still couldn’t seem to shake the panic that came with thoughts of a future with someone.

Probably because someone very important failed to commit to me.

“You know, I also used to love watching the stars.”

His roaming hand stilled on my arm, “Used to?”

“Yeah. Of course it looked nothing like this,” I said as I gazed out the window, at the starlit night, “I was lucky if I could see a handful of them even when it was clear. But my dad and I would often lay on the grass in our back garden on a late evening, before I lost him.”

“I’m sorry, Alice. How old were you when he died?”

“Oh, he’s not dead. He just moved.”

“Oh.” He responded, clearly confused.

“He went to start a new family on the other side of the country when I was ten. It was like he never had me. I didn’t even get a card on my next birthday. Mum said he’d sent one, that it would be in the post any day now, but it never came. So, I haven’t talked to him since I was 14, partly because I decided I couldn’t stand being progressively forgotten anymore.”

“Fucking hell, what a prick.”

His sudden blunt words caused me to break out into laughter.

He joined with an awkward chuckle, “I’m sorry, but that’s awful though. Can I ask something?”

Slight unease crept in, already feeling vulnerable from sharing such a sore part of my past, but I wanted to push myself, to open up to him like he’d opened up for me.

“Sure.”

“Is that where the commitment issues come from?”

“I think so.” My words came softly, “I’ve only ever been in one long term relationship.”

There was a pause before he spoke, making me wonder what he was thinking, what conclusions he was coming to about me, “I see, and you said you didn’t even like him – so what made him special enough to be the only one?”

I felt myself fighting the urge to squirm, “I guess the fact that he wasn’t special at all.”

“Ah,” He started, before echoing my words that he practically forced out of me earlier in the week, “Because you’re scared of having something worth losing.”

Bingo.

“Yeah, which is why everything was so simple with him.”

Another silence fell before he spoke softly, “Am I special to you?”

I tried to push the words out, but it took me a while. I could feel him tensing beneath me, his heart rate speeding up.

“You are.” I whispered after a long moment.

More time passed, both of us clearly raking things over in our mind.

“I can’t decide if that’s wonderful or horrible.” He finally responded.

“Me neither.”

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