#And sees a therapist who helps him as an abuse survivor

[tamsinbeybey-she-no-porcupine]

Rewatching the light in the hall

because the amount of time I think about Joe Pritchard is embarrasing really

[hollowtakami]

.*~+everybody’s changing and i don’t feel the same

content: reader + keigo have ptsd/c-ptsd, brief mentions of suicidal thoughts, heavily implied trauma, hurt comfort

a/n: my symptoms have flared up a lot following a string of events, and im struggling to cope, so, yk. bird man make life easier:)) also yes the title is a lyric from everybody’s changing by keane. my comfort song atm lol

For anyone else who really struggles with CPTSD like myself, Keigo understands.

He doesn’t hate you for struggling with controlling your emotions, for all the nightmares. Keigo works through the nihilism that eats away at you, he’s gonna make sure that nobody ever hurts you again, especially not them.

For every person you struggle to trust, Keigo’s love is worth five of them.

Keigo’s hands hold you through every dissociative episode, every suicidal thought. He vowed to guide you through the darkest alleys of memory lane, and he intends to keep that promise.

If you struggle with touch, Keigo will help you set boundaries. He’ll tell you if it’s okay to touch, he’ll tell you where he’s going to and how. If you’re not comfortable with any physical contact, he understands.

Keigo was the one who helped you see a therapist. He took you to every appointment, was there if you needed him to be.

If your symptoms flare up suddenly, he will never judge you. As a survivor of domestic and child abuse himself, he completely understands. He sees parts of himself in you, and he wants to save you.

In a way he couldn’t save himself, he thinks.

Helping you helped him. You are birds of a feather, and Keigo would do anything in his power to make sure you feel safe in this world.

All he wants is for his baby bird to be okay with waking up to another day.

[to-hypnos-we-dream]

Interpreting Trauma Nightmares

tw for sa mention/traumatic themes

When it comes to Hypnos worship, horrific nightmares may be ignored due to their negative connotation. It's always good to remember that despite how horrible they may be, and trust me I know horrible, they can be the gateway of self-reflection on something we may be ignoring, neglecting, or scared of. If you are a sexual abuse survivor and you get a nightmare repeating the abuse, it can make your faith waiver in the sense of "Is this truly what Hypnos wants me to see?". Hypnos is the healer, Hypnos wants what is best for His devotees, it is however valid to feel anger or even hatred after dreaming something awful. In all deities, there is balance, and it may not always be positive or light especially from a chthonic deity like Hypnos.

These nightmares may be the push that signals you are ignoring something or still in need for healing. Maybe Hypnos is trying to tell you that you are still clinging to the memory, maybe He is trying to tell you that He is there for you even at your worse; maybe you prefer see these from a more scientific perspective and see them as a simple trauma response; these interpretations/ideas are up to you.

But know that Hypnos does not hate you, Hypnos is not punishing you, you've done nothing wrong to deserve these nightmares. You never deserved the abuse or the nightmares that came with it. It doesn't matter if you maybe forgot a prayer, maybe you haven't mentioned Him in years, maybe you even forgot about Him,

these dreams are not punishment.

Now how may you interpret these dreams? There are many ways you can go about this.

Write down every detail you remember, color, animals, plants, settings, words, sounds, everything.

You may use the following as a mix or try them in steps, up to you

1.Your own interpretation/connection

write down how you interpret every detail about personal symbolism. Maybe you saw a dog, but you happen to have your own dog, maybe that is important.

2.Use dream bibles to find general/cultural interpretation

some online dream bibles

3.Use Tarot to ask Hypnos about individual interpretation or use Tarot spreads for interpretation. Examples you can use are:

4.Speak to a therapist

personally therapy never worked for me, but maybe for you if possible you can discuss these dreams to a licensed individual who can help

5.Prayer/Meditation

If it works for you it works. Try guided meditations to speak to Hypnos on the subject. Use other forms of divination to speak to Hypnos. Maybe pray for guidance, pray for another dream where He may help guide you through

---

There are many ways you can go about this. However if its too much, it is okay to instead focus on helping your own mental health and make sure these triggering dreams don't hurt you. That too is devotion to Hypnos, and He will love you with it. As a reminder, you may always contact us about any sort of dreams. You may talk about trauma to us. We however are not professionals, but we will give the guidance that we can. We are here to help one another, Hypnos bless us.

[unreliablesnake]

Hold it together when the world’s on fire (Simon “Ghost” Riley x reader)

Summary: After Soap dies during a mission, Ghost suffers from survivor’s guilt and depression. You’re there by his side both during and between missions, but sometimes you wonder if you’re enough to help him through this.

Note: Based on “Hold it together” and “World’s on fire” by Mike Shinoda. Soap, I’m so sorry. You were loved by all of us. Alex is a part of the team. Unedited story because I'm too lazy after work. What do you think?

Warnings: major character death (obviously), drug abuse, reader has a sister, brother-in-law, nephew, and parents.

Neither of you handled Soap's funeral well.

You took Simon's hand the moment he returned to stand by your side, squeezing it tightly when he looked down at you for a moment. He had fallen apart after Soap died, and he hadn't been himself ever since. But you were there by his side, and so was the rest of the team.

His eyes were shining from a few stray teardrops, something you never thought you would see on a man like him. Maybe watching as they buried the casket made it real, made him understand that he truly lost one of his brothers. Because that's what Soap was–his brother.

It should've been me. I shouldn't have sent him there. I fucked up, it's on me. If I went there myself he would still be alive.

Price had said it was probably the survivor's guilt speaking when he said these things. It shocked you at first, not understanding how he could say something like this, and making you wonder if he truly believed what he told you. You'd been together for almost two years now, but you'd never seen him be this low.

"Are you okay?" you asked quietly, putting a hand on his arm while you sat in the backseat of a car with him.

Price was driving, taking Gaz, Simon and you back to the hotel you were staying in. Laswell and Alex were closely behind, probably talking about work as usual on the way there.

You waited for Simon's answer, but he was just staring ahead without saying a word. In the rearview mirror your gaze met Gaz's, and he flashed a supportive smile at you when he noticed the worried look on your face.

Back in the hotel Price asked the two of you to follow him to somewhere less crowded, then told Simon it wouldn't be wise to let him back on the field just yet. "You need some time to get your head on straight," he said. "I'll send you the contact info of a therapist who specializes in these cases."

"I'm fine," he told him darkly.

But the captain wasn't stupid. "You're clearly not."

When your boyfriend took a deep breath, ready to speak up again, you placed a hand on his shoulder to get his attention. "He's right, Simon, you need time. Be happy that you'll have the whole bed to yourself when I'm gone," you added with a small laugh, hoping this could cheer him up a little.

"Oh, no, you're staying home with him," Price informed you. "You'll make sure he's okay."

It was an order. There was no need for you to try and resist, so you just nodded. Simon suddenly took your hand, but he didn't look at you. He didn't even look at his superior, instead his gaze turned to his shoes.

Two days later the trip from Scotland to England passed mostly in silence. Simon still didn't feel like talking, the only sounds leaving his lips were quiet yeses and nos, maybe mixed with an occasional I don't know.

"I'll take a shower then hit the bed," he said when you entered your apartment in the evening.

After driving for four hours, it wasn't surprising to hear him say that. You didn't question if he was tired or depressed. Probably both, deep down you knew that, but you were clever enough not to push him. "He'll come out of his shell and talk to you when he's ready," Laswell had assured you when you said goodbye.

Later in the night you woke up, instinctively knowing Simon wasn't sleeping well. Another nightmare. You could tell that from the rapid way his chest was heaving, how he was tossing and turning, and how he mumbled a few words in his sleep, as if he was hurrying someone to move.

Maybe he was talking to Soap. Again.

But it didn't seem to be a severe one, there was no need to wake him up just yet. So you let out a sigh then leaned over to put a hand on his cheek and give him a very soft kiss. Sometimes it helped to calm him down, it was worth a try this time too.

Simon stopped moving around and from what you could tell, his breathing also slowed down. Good. You laid back down to get back to sleep yourself, but soon you felt his arm wrap around your waist as he pulled you close to him.

"Thank you," he whispered into the nape of your neck, probably still half asleep.

••••••••

The weekend arrived soon, and you were invited by your sister to your nephew's sixth birthday party. Simon liked that kid, so you convinced him to jump in, give him his present, and say hi. "We don't have to stay long," you told him kindly before leaving the apartment.

"Maybe being among people will avert my thoughts for a while," he said, surprising you with this answer. Seeing the look on your face, he was quick to add his therapist was the one to suggest this.

There were a bunch of noisy kids at the party, with their parents standing in smaller groups, talking to each other. You didn't know most of them, so you and Simon flocked with your family in the living room, while the rest of the guests were outside with the children.

Your family knew about Soap's death. Well, they knew a friend of yours had died, so they were extra nice with Simon that day. Every time someone new arrived, they asked you two how you were holding up. He didn't really know what to say apart from a short fine.

When it was time for the cake, everybody gathered outside around a table and watched as the kids went crazy from the sugar rush. Some guy came over to your small group that included your sister, your brother-in-law, and your parents, and a guy you didn't know who brought up his three kids and some weird joke they brought back home after a sleepover.

"What has two legs and bleeds?" Simon suddenly asked, surprising you by speaking up for the first time that day. Your family glanced over at him with a concerned look, and you were just about to stop him when he said, "Half a dog."

No one laughed.

"Who the fuck says such a joke on a kid's birthday party?" asked the unknown guy, sounding offended by the joke.

Simon casually looked around, then he turned back to the man and spoke in the most uninterested voice you'd ever heard from him. "I don't see any kids nearby," he stated.

"Simon!" you warned him, only to earn a raised eyebrow from your boyfriend.

After a few seconds of silently staring at each other–you waiting for an apology, him waiting for an explanation as to why his joke was inappropriate–he eventually raised his hands and told you he would wait in the car.

Letting out a sigh, you turned to your sister with an apologetic smile. "I'm so sorry, he hasn't been himself lately. It would be for the best if we left now. Thank you for everything," you said quickly, then rushed out of the garden as fast as you could.

His dark sense of humor was lovely, but it definitely didn't belong to a six year old kid's birthday party. It was painful to see him be so out of place, especially since he had a good relationship with your nephew. But today there was no sign of it, he barely interacted with the boy.

Once you were sitting in the passenger seat of the car, you turned to him and asked, "Are you okay?"

"It was just a stupid joke," he muttered under his breath.

You wanted to tell him that the guy had been right about this not being the time and place for this particular joke, but in the end you remained silent. Deep down you knew he knew it was a small mistake, although you also knew that he wouldn't admit that, not even to you.

Instead of giving him a lecture, you just leaned over to pull him into a tight hug, stroking his back with your hand. "It's okay," you told him. "I'm sure they understand."

••••••••

"Hey, John," you said into the phone as you walked down an aisle in the grocery store.

"How's Simon?" asked the captain, sounding just as concerned as he had been ever since Soap's death. You came to a halt and remained silent which obviously caught his attention. "That bad?"

You let out a sigh and picked up a cereal to take a closer look at it. "No, I just tried to figure out what to say. I mean, he's better than he was two weeks ago, but he still zones out sometimes, he barely sleeps, like two or three hours tops. And even then he often has nightmares."

"And how's therapy going?"

"He's there two times a week. It's helping, he sometimes does or says things he heard there. But he still blames himself, and he still says every now then that it should have been him who died that day," you added with a groan. It was hard to hear it, and it was just as hard to talk about it.

Price remained silent on the other end of the line, either trying to process what he just heard or thinking about how to continue. Maybe it was both, you weren't sure. "When do you think he can come back?" he asked.

That was a good question. "Honestly, he would go back right away if he could. He says it would take his mind off of everything, but I'm not sure," you admitted.

"Yeah, he didn't sound convincing to me either," he replied with a sigh. "I talked to Alex, he's okay with keeping an eye on him on the field, and you could join his group to be there, but–"

"Would that be a good idea? Wouldn't he be afraid of losing me too?" you asked, interrupting him.

In the beginning you worked with Simon, but once you got together and the team found out, John insisted on separating the two of you. He wasn't sure if Simon could give you strict orders on the field, if he wouldn't favor you over Soap–which was something he definitely didn't need on his team.

"That's true," Price admitted. "But you know more about how to comfort him now than any of us. Maybe you could help him focus."

As you put two bottles of soda into your shopping cart, you thought about his suggestion. It could work, you and Alex being there by his side to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. But what if you get separated on the field? You can't be glued together all the time.

So you took a deep breath and began to walk again. "We can give it a shot. I'll talk to him when I get home and see if he'd still like to go back to work," you said.

"All right. Send me a text with his answer," Price asked you. "Take care, we'll talk later."

You said goodbye and ended the call, putting the device into the pocket of your jacket. A quiet voice in the back of your mind kept telling you it was a bad idea, that maybe it would only put Simon in danger. He still wasn't himself, he probably wouldn't be able to give out proper orders just yet.

When you got home, the apartment was empty and eerily quiet. He was probably still in the gym, the only place where he could be alone according to him. Then you remembered something from the past. You suddenly began to laugh at the memory of all of those stupid little competitions Soap had started with Simon in the gym, both of them eager to prove they were faster, stronger, and had better stamina than the other.

To pass the time, you sat down on the couch and opened a streaming service on the TV to see if there was anything to watch until he got home. But you were just flipping through the titles, one less exciting than the other–your mind was way too worried about Simon to even think about entertainment.

Then you finally heard the lock turn and he finally entered the apartment, throwing his duffel bag near the living room door before walking over to the couch. "What are you doing?" he asked, his eyes momentarily turning to the screen. "You're not watching anything?"

"No. But I have a feeling I won't watch anything in the end," you told him with a short laugh, your eyes moving up from his crotch to his masked face.

There was a strange look in his eyes, one you hadn't seen in a while now. He looked excited and energized, not like someone who just returned from a two-hour workout session. There was also a hint of desire, although you weren't quite sure about that.

You hadn't had sex with him since the incident, but you knew that despite desperately wanting every piece of him, you had to be patient. He would come around eventually, but he had bigger problems than satisfying your needs right now.

"Good," he said, drawing a questioning hum out of you.

But Simon remained silent, he only took off his mask that landed on the couch next to you, then leaned down to scoop you up. With your hands automatically moving to the back of his neck, you took a closer look at him. You were right, that look in his eyes definitely mirrored his desire.

But his pupils weren't right, they were dilated. It could be because of the dim lights of the living room, but you were afraid it meant something else, something more dangerous. Could he be stupid enough to use drugs with his brother's history?

He lowered your body onto the bed before gently kicking your legs wider apart to get into position between them. His hands were resting next to your head, and he slowly leaned down to give you a soft kiss, one that became deeper, hungrier, and more feral as the seconds passed.

"Simon," you tried weakly as his lips moved on to your neck.

"Shhh," he tried to silence you.

But you didn't want to stay quiet, you wanted to ask him if he was high. So you reached out to seal his mouth with your hand, causing him to let out a deep growl. He opened his mouth and tried to bite you gently, but you gave him a warning look that made him stop.

You curled the fingers of your other hand around his muscular shoulder, stroking the rough skin with your thumb as you looked him in the eye. "Give me an honest answer, Simon. Are you high?" you asked him seriously.

Instead of replying, he reached up to peel your fingers off of himself then intertwined his fingers with yours and pressed them against the bed above your head. "I missed you so fucking much, sweetheart," he murmured against your lips.

"Answer my question."

He raised his head to look you in the eye and let out a sigh. "Do we really have to do this?" You raised an eyebrow at him, getting fed up with his bullshit. The more he avoided the answer, the more suspicious you were. "Fuck," he muttered under his breath.

Suddenly he let go of you and sat down on the other side of the bed, his head buried in his hands. "Simon, drugs won't solve your problem," you said the obvious as you sat up as well and buried your fingers in his hair. "Listen, I talked to John today and we were discussing whether or not you should go back to work."

His eyes found your face, eagerly waiting for you to continue. You weren't mad at him, you were just sad that he made the wrong choice. You thought he was getting better, that he had learned how to handle his grief by now, but apparently you were wrong.

"Was this your first time?" you asked him quietly, and he nodded in response. "Can it stay this way? Can you resist the urge to use this shit again?"

"If it means I can go back, then yes," came his response.

You let out a sigh and took his hand in yours. "Alex and I will work with you when you return," you began to explain. "John asked him to keep an eye on you until you get used to being back on the field. But after tonight…"

Your voice faded and he knew what it meant. "I already told you, it was a one-time thing," he assured you quietly, leaning over to rest his forehead against yours. "I saw what drugs did to Tommy, I won't make the same mistake, I promise. I just… I was in the gym and remembered something and I just needed something to take my mind off of everything, you know?"

"Mmm-hmm," you hummed before placing a soft kiss on his cheek. "Listen, I'll buy some drug tests and you'll do one every day for the next… Let's say ten days. If you're always clean, I'll tell John that you're ready to return."

Simon let out a sigh, but he nodded eventually. When you flashed a sweet smile at him, his hand moved under your shirt, long fingers moving up your spine that made you arch your back a little. "I'm so fucking hard, baby, why don't we do something about it, huh?" he asked as he kissed your neck.

"You should get some sleep," you told him, although your voice came out as a whisper.

"It's been so long, I'm sure you've been missing me. I should fuck your sweet, beautiful brains out before sleeping," he mumbled against your skin, his deep voice sending shivers down your spine.

Every cell in your body was craving him, but the fact he was high on some shit told you it was the perfect opportunity to teach him a lesson. You take drugs? Fine, no sex for you. So you pushed him away and cleared your throat as you gave him an apologetic look.

"I'm sorry, but not tonight."

"Are you punishing me for being high for once in my entire fucking life?" he asked, sounding angry.

You nodded. "I prefer it when you're clean," you said, then climbed out of bed and returned to the living room.

••••••••

Three weeks later you could finally join the team again, but everybody seemed to be walking on eggshells around Simon. He noticed and he hated it, but decided not to say anything. He only mentioned it to you, telling you how frustrating he found this treatment.

"It's good to see you again, Ghost," Alex said with a wide smile when the two of you walked over to him for the first time.

Simon nodded and shook his hand. "So you'll be my babysitter, huh?"

"Yeah, it seems like it. But whatever you say goes. I'll only step in if something's wrong with the order in that situation," he assured him.

You gulped, carefully examining Simon's eyes through his plastic skull mask. When you looked over at Alex, you noticed he was doing the same, cautiously watching the lieutenant and trying to decide his movements.

Before he could say anything, Gaz showed up, telling you Price's briefing was about to begin. You followed him, and inside you and Simon sat down next to each other.

You soon saw him rapidly tapping his feet out of the corner of your eye, so you reached out and placed a hand on his knee to calm him down. He glanced over at you, then put his hand on top of yours, his fingers carefully leaving with your own.

After an hour or so everybody left the room, but the two of you stayed behind, silently agreeing to have a quick chat. You looked around, making sure there was truly no one left there, and then pulled up his mask to his nose so you could give him a gentle kiss.

Soon you pulled the mask back down and looked at him with a small smile. "I'm proud of you, Simon. You seem to be a lot better lately."

"I am better," he told you with a sigh. "I'll keep going to therapy when we're home. And if it wasn't for you…"

With a short laugh, you reached out and took his hand. "I'll always be here for you. Never forget that," you said.

"I love you."

It had been a while since he had last told you this. It was as if his brain had forgotten how to say these words, but you knew it wasn't intentional. So you flashed the brightest smile at him before you replied, "I love you too."

[chaifootsteps]

Oh my god, finally! I've been wanting to post here for a few days.

I'm the author of that infamous fanfic. And I wanted to say, unrelated to Hazbin, that the documentary and Drake's story, coupled with his new music video "I Kinda Relate" is the most heartbreaking and empowering thing I've ever seen. I bawled my eyes out the entire day that I found it.

In the first 28 seconds, Drake heavily implies, but doesn't show, his abuse that he suffered at the hands of his rapist, Brian Peck (who also was penpals with none other than John Wayne Gacy.)

I wanted to do nothing but hug that poor little boy, and to hug the man he is now. I want to tell him that he's beautiful and strong and brave for coming out. Male CSA victims rarely ever do. Could you imagine telling Drake then or now, that he's a *loser*? Could you imagine going about his abuse the way Viv did with Husk and Angel? He literally made his own music video that was much more tactful and empowering than Loser Baby ever will be.

I also have dirt on Dan S and that whole fucking pedo ring (I know a LOT of people in this industry. I also helped take down an ACTUAL ZOO AND PEDOPHILE with a decent amount of power a few years back.) And for anyone still confused about Drake, the girl he messaged lied about her age and he never did anything physical with her. He still acknowledges he's fucked up (please watch his hour long interview and music video) but he's "bound to make it right".

I also just want to say, to a CERTAIN PERSON, that comparing the objectively fetishisized abuse (I'm a CSA victim and into noncon), to fucking SEX ED FOR CHILDREN, is the absolute most fucking garbage and vile take I've ever seen. Poison is NOT educational. It is fetish content for Viv and Raph and others like them. If survivors and fans can turn something objectively negative into something subjectively positive, all the power to them.

Again, into noncon and a CSA victim. I also don't want to see stans taking this and telling me I'm invalid for critiquing Viv and Raph (already dealt with that in my damn fic.) I have been raped/sexually assaulted/groomed/groped/strangled/pinned down/dragged around as a child and NO ONE is ever going to tell me I'm a hypocrite or that I'm wrong for my feelings on this issue. Especially when I also have friends and my own mother as SA and CSA victims as well.

Someone like myself, or like Drake Bell, do NOT need to see how explicitly horrid our abuse was/is to understand how bad it is. I personally had panic attacks watching the episode, and having the knowledge of Raph being an unapologetic rape fetishist, was all I needed to know that that entire episode was fetish content. It's basically an adaptation of Raph's Red Smoke comic. Nearly word for word too. I've written and consumed so many stories over the years to know exactly what's going in their heads.

You know how you actually help a victim? You have friends and family and a therapist help you get out of that situation. Husk "helping" Angel was not the way to go about it.

And I've seen fans argue whether or not Viv is a rape fetishist (she is), but if she wasn't, why is she so adamant on keeping an unapologetic rape fetishist on her staff? He's confirmed to be working on season 2 (God I'm gagging thinking about it) and why does she like so much art (no hate to the artists) of sexy, fetishisized, hot, and sad art of Valentino? If he's supposedly based off HER abusive experience, why does she coddle, woobify, and downplay and sexualize him so much??? I wouldn't base a rapist character or write a rapist character as a fucking "high school Mean girl".

I'm sorry this got so long, but fuck man... it's so fucking disgusting.

Anyways, please watch this. It's got more tact and heart than fucking Poison will ever have. Drake Bell, my heart goes out to you. CSA victim to CSA victim. I hope you get better and can heal. And that goes for all victims as well. 💜🫂 (You too, Chai.)

And Brian Peck, and any and all other rapists, can burn alive in a grease fire. Val included.

https://youtu.be/I5gh8rAVLkI?si=B2eny2U4GZRgDZ7t

https://youtu.be/nSzk-MsVKqA?si=6D4rEihu89Yom7YG

Well said as always, Anon, and thank you for this.

Also, definitely seconding Brian Peck burning up in a grease fire.

[trilies]

In regards to the "problematic content" discussion: Why do people like Bog never want to discuss how that kind of content can actually help survivors cope, or even realize what happened to them? I was well into my adulthood before I realized/accepted it, and of all things, it was DanaerysxKhal Drogo that made something in my brain go hey wait a minute. Like, entertainment media can help trauma survivors exponentially.

Well, you see, while bogleech may not be a trained and certified therapist/psychiatrist, he vored someone who read a dictionary definition on "coping mechanisms" once, so he TOTALLY knows everything there is to know about every single survivor of CSA.

And, because it's inconvenient to him, he says it's actually a really terrible coping mechanism, and maybe you should keep it more private and just shut up.

I'm being sarcastic, but this is also literally what he said to me. Literally admitted that it didn't matter that some people only realized they were abused by finding fics tagged with abuse.

You see, it actually HELPS victims if it's made harder for victims to publicly discuss or write about their trauma. /wanking gesture

[stranger-rants]

That wilelfanpage account is doubling down instead of listening to what survivors have to say which is par for the course. My only concern is that they seem to be using "I'm a psych major" to justify their attitudes and behavior... uhhh... I hope you never work with real patients who have been abused. You are 21 with a lot to learn. You are not an expert.

This is what I mean when I say this isn't just about Billy. You cannot take these attitudes into the real world because you are going to do harm to real people living within the same circumstances as him. The patients you will work with are not all going to be good survivors, but you will be tasked with supporting them all.

I have said this before, but my dad manipulated a therapist into justifying his behavior towards us just by making us out to seem toxic or bad for him. I was a child who was acting out because he was violent and abusing my mom which he left out. I already have trust issues with institutions that are supposed to be supporting survivors like me.

I don't want to see people like you out in the field with these attitudes. I teach a lot of angry kids. I don't have to like every person I work with to know that they don't deserve to be abused, nor should I be angry if someone decides to help them and love them. Hating what a person says or does isn't going to stop me from getting them help.

[traumatizedjaguar]

Hi I love your blog, a lot. Still processing some horrific things of my own. How do you get through the darkest moments? I hate mine.

Honestly for me how I got through some dark moments...

Music. Usually a technique I learned from therapy was putting music on that was the opposite of my current emotion; if I was sad or depressed or whatever I'd put happy tunes on or if I was angry, calming tunes. Sometimes finding music that allowed me to let out emotions too like if I was angry I'd listen to a few angry songs from Slipknot for example and have a little session to myself, then I'd go relax. Music affects my mood, but it's not like that for everyone. I made a playlist for "abuse recovery" meaning the songs are more uplifting, makes me feel like a warrior.

Survivors stories. Listening to others stories of their complex abuse they've been through and saving them all in a word document to go back to later. Finding people I relate to who've been through the EXACT same abuse I have been through. It helps finding out you're not the only scapegoat or you're not the only one with many abusers and rapists. It helps to know I've met people with 15, 16, 18, and 25 abusers before.

Meditation. It sounds stupid to most people but if you research the affects meditation has on the human body and brain when you use it daily or on a consistent schedule in the long-term, it's amazing to know what it does for you. It's hard at first, but eventually you get used to it. And sometimes I have a focus point when meditating, such as listening to my breathing going in and out in a quiet space so my thoughts don't drift; because drifting thoughts or worrying isn't meditating so like I said, it's hard at first. But your mind gets so used to it after awhile.

Changing my environment. I've rearranged my whole room, put posters up, painted it so it feels like I'm in a different house sometimes. Adding something new and different to your life like a hobby or something you've never tried and do it often, it can be a good distraction. I like using distractions often.

(TW: God mention. Skip this paragraph if needed be. This one might just be me) Putting my faith in God Our Creator and having had many communications with him before. Sharing my space with him, inviting him on walks with me, telling him about my day although he sees everything I do, and asking him about his "day". I got into talking to Norse gods and the Creator and it has helped so much knowing a divine entity who created everything in the universe wants me to be safe and heal and actually told me this in many ways; who tells me he loves me and knows I'm a very loved good soul in his eyes. (I try but never feel that way).

Doing the scary thing and reaching out. I have reached out to people and told them my story and told them about my abusers and they've believed me. Focusing only on the ones who believed me even though my story is insanity with abusive parents, abusive brother and abusive exes who all smear campaigned me and many of them raped me too. No matter how much complex abuse, there was people out there and other victims who took my side. I only focus on the good ones, not the bad ones who don't believe me. Because once I shut out EVERYONE except the good ones, then my world only has love in it.

>>Making word documents for healing. I learned I was in a freeze state recently and I've been teaching myself about it through online trauma therapists (I'm so happy to be living in the digital age) and I've learned about it and I'm doing the work necessary everyday to teach my brain different and rewire it. It's also why I shut down around abusers and can barely speak even when I want to.

>>Trauma therapists: Crappy Childhood Fairy, Patrick Teahan to name a few. Patrick Teahan helped me so much specifying types of sibling abuse that were SO SPECIFIC to what ive been through and scapegoating in family systems, he taught me about how some family systems gang up against one family member (so like 6 family members for example, against one of the kids in order to scapegoat properly there's many abusers in most situations) and how im not the only one with many abusers in one family and im not the only scapegoat. He also made videos that were WAYYYY to specific to the abuse I endured and wayyyy to specific to the behaviors and belief system my abusers held. He has so many great videos for people like me. First time I listened to a few of his videos on family abuse, I was overwhelmed with emotion and joy and it made my heart and stomach flutter. I love Patrick Teahan so much and hes a real therapist too.

Make stuff, build stuff, start projects.

[deusvervewrites]

Blaze of Glory: Somehow, I see Burnin' poaching those who in canon would be the survivors of the Vanguard Action Squad. Spinner? Saved him from a beating and found him a job as handyman at Endeavour Agency. Twice? Found him a therapist and a job at Endeavour Agency. Magne? Set her up to have enough mitigating circumstances to get off lightly at the trial, and maybe got her to the same guy that helped her transition physically (assuming she did that). Mr. Compress? Deconstructed his "heir of the peerless thief persona" and aimed him to the right targets. Himiko? Exposed the Togas and arrested them for child abuse and bribery (they tried to pay her off), then burned down the home to lure Himiko out of hiding and got her the much needed therapy.

She then had to figure out how to raise the new daughter she had accidentally picked up.

The Endeavor Agency responds to many, many situations. That's kind of their whole deal; solving more situations a year than anyone else.

That being said, since Kamiji was focused more on joining the Endeavor Agency and surpassing Endeavor himself, she would be highly unlikely to encounter any of them except possibly Magne, depending on what kind of underground circles they were both running in after she realized she was trans.

She's also not exactly got the personality for things like pointing Compress in better directions.

Though I could see her having a lot in common with Toga

[jewishvitya]

Can't remember if I ranted about it before, but I thought about it and got annoyed all over again.

There was this skit that went:

What your therapist says: "have you heard about generational trauma?"

What they mean: "your family is the problem."

And it's just one example, the video had several versions of this joke. But this part is such a misrepresentation of what generational trauma can mean. Generational trauma isn't just trauma caused by a previous generation, it's trauma carried over through generations.

My great grandfather was a holocaust survivor who lived through the camps. And after surviving them, he had nightmares and he was restless and he had anger issues. Our family always acknowledged and discussed the abuse, but never blamed him for what we saw as symptoms of PTSD. I grew up with that mix of compassion and understanding that he couldn't help his explosive trauma responses, but it didn't make them okay.

My grandparents also survived the holocaust, and they were kids at the time. They had to do better. And they did. But there was still trauma. Both the war and the abuse. Shame over our Jewish heritage. A desire to create distance from it and assimilate, become less of a target. Looking at visibly religious Jews and going "they're the reason it happened." Because they insist on being different. And there was fear and abuse that came with that.

And then the next generation reconnected to Judaism. That's my mom. She told me "I tried to do better than my parents, and you'll do better than I did." I'd call her a cycle breaker, only I don't entirely see it that way. Her hard work didn't make the trauma just vanish. It lives in me. But it's not as heavy.

My family carries trauma from centuries of persecution, pogroms and genocides. My family isn't "the problem." There's nothing wrong with my family. Not any more that there's something wrong with a person who can't walk steadily on a broken leg. It's just human.

I'm not saying it can never be the case that a family is the problem, but saying "generational trauma = your family is the problem" as if that's the default meaning, is blaming survivors for being wounded.

There's a very different kind of trauma that comes from broad societal harm, and I feel like people from families that don't carry this can't imagine what it's like.

It's not the past generations' fault that my family traumatized. Each of them did the best they could with what they had, and that's the tradition I'm continuing.

[redjadethewriter]

Understanding One's Self to Figure Out Someone’s Character

I recently listened to the same ex-therapist speak about yet another intriguing topic: how to discern someone’s character. He mentioned some people focus on trivial methods such as eye movement, posture, hand or foot placement, and so on. While he acknowledged the potential effectiveness of these methods, he also introduced a much better way to truly understand the person in front of you. This idea resonated with me because it has helped me, although I never fully grasped why or how until I watched him talk about.

Furthermore, he revealed that he could see the goodness or quality in people, even beneath layers of insidious intentions. This ability has saved his life multiple times. I also came across another video of him discussing a survival mechanism called “people pleasing,” which hinders one’s sense of self. It made him and even me realize understanding oneself is crucial in deciphering someone’s character and possibly even their intentions.

This is not anything new or a secret. Even in certain spiritual practices, to fight a demon, you ask for the aid of another demon. In some games I played, to counter a higher dimensional entity, you summon or pay the price for an equal standing entity to oppose it. A monster can sense its own kind. How often to we see this used in entertainment? But I’m discussing real life.

Many of us have had challenging experiences in life. Some have even endured and survived narcissistic abuse, manipulation, and other horrible situations from parents or romantic partners. The list of the traumas one can endure is extensive. However, have you ever considered the insights that survivors gain once they have healed? Can you imagine the perspective of a recovering sociopath, psychopath, narcissist, or master manipulator? Can you imagine using that to help people? Who would know more about these individuals than the ones who have lived through it?

An ex-therapist shared his story of self-discovery while healing from parental neglect, abuse, and other painful experiences. By tapping into his own healing process, he developed a keen sense of discernment. Without even looking at someone, he could tell if they were being truthful, hiding something, or even manipulating others. Reflecting on his own survival strategies, he admitted that using people-pleasing as a coping mechanism was a form of manipulation. It involved saying what others wanted to hear in order to navigate or avoid difficult situations.

I can relate to this because manipulation was a learned behavior in my household, with my mother as my prime example. I don’t believe my mother is a bad person; rather, we both adopted these methods to minimize conflict and avoid devastating situations. Unfortunately, this caused us to lose touch with our true selves. I understand the necessity of wearing different masks for different situations, as it was a part of my trauma response. Because of my self-awareness, I can now recognize when someone is not revealing their true selves and how potentially dangerous they could be. In fact, I can often sense it without even hearing them speak. However, when they spoke, it further confirmed my initial impressions.

I do have a habit of seeing the good in people and recognizing qualities that could benefit others greatly. However, I understand now that if individuals don’t acknowledge their own issues or attempt to heal and change; it puts me at risk of encountering their underlying insidious intentions. It’s important for me to be cautious and protect myself from the brewing beast that lies beneath the surface, ready to attack if provoked.

However, I had these senses long before doing the inner work or acknowledging my traumas. Now, they have expanded their capability with the healing process. Even before, I would naturally peg out who was the one to worry about the most in a customer altercation at my jobs. In this particular incident, we had a customer, a Karen, who was raging about her drawing getting damaged in the frame shop. It was just a sketch she did in art class, not an expensive piece of work. Although she was going to get everything for free, she still raved on irrationally.

You would think I would be worried about the woman, right? However, it was actually the husband standing quietly behind her that caught my attention. I poked the manager on the arm and asked her to come with me to the back area. I told her, “If they ask, say nothing about who was handling the drawing. I have a bad feeling about him.” The manager cocked her head and peeked back out at the husband, not fully understanding what I was saying. After all, he appeared harmless and looked like a pushover, as it was the wife who was emotionally out-bursting.

Let me tell you, I hadn’t even heard the guy speak, but my alarm bells were going off. Something was giving me the notion that this dude could potentially harm someone or even kill them. So, when the manager went back out, the guy spoke and demanded to know who was handling the drawing. He wanted names and a face. Fortunately, the manager was smart enough to say that we aren’t permitted to provide that information.

There have been plenty of other situations where I had to turn up my people-pleasing ability and a bit of manipulative acting to de-escalate a situation. One such instance was when I had to manage a customer for my coworker, as no matter what he did, he couldn’t get the guy to calm down. The customer was in fury mode because the line was long, and we had a lot of orders to go through. With so much happening, it was especially difficult, considering this guy was 6 feet tall and built like a sumo wrestler who could easily put many people in the hospital. He was raising his voice right in front of us and let me paint a picture of how bad the situation looked. My coworker, who had asked me to assist him, was at the counter, holding a mallet ready in hand. Another male coworker, who was only 19, was in the next aisle over, standing right across from me. I could see him through the shelving, and he could see me, too. He kept his eye on me the whole time. Adding to the intensity, another male coworker from the neighboring department came over and stood at the corner of the aisle we were in, positioned behind me. That’s how bad it was, where three of my male coworkers needed to stand by and be ready. I don’t remember exactly how I did it, but somehow, I got that bulldozer of a man to calm down. He simmered down and started talking normally, acting all cool again. It’s like whatever I said and how I said it snapped him out of whatever he was feeling. I was grateful for that because not only would my life have been at risk, but my coworkers were ready to take down this man. So, I understood what the ex-therapist said about being manipulative has its benefits because it saved me plenty of times from potentially horrible situations.

Although I haven’t worked in retail for a long time, I believe my abilities in spotting someone’s character have improved because of the inner work I’ve done. While I am still a work in progress, these improvements have allowed me to view things from a different perspective. I can spot a person who’s ruled by arrogance much easier. Who’s power-hungry. Who’s a predator, a manipulator? I have to agree with the guy that so many people don’t recognize when they are being exploited by a wolf in sheep’s clothing. There are plenty of them on social media with massive followings and cult-like fans. It’s so scary to be honest. As a result, I can understand what the ex-therapist was referring to - the importance of knowing oneself first in order to better understand others. Perhaps even more effectively than someone who is solely trained in the field but lacks personal experiences or insights. Survivors of narcissism, for example, may possess a deeper understanding of narcissists compared to mental health professionals who have not been victims or narcissists themselves.

Alright, I will share some key indicators that can help you identify whether you’re dealing with a master manipulator who is power-hungry, arrogant, and only interested in exploiting you. First, it’s important to note that there is no relationship expert, especially when it comes to taking advice from someone of the opposite gender. This applies to both men and women because you never truly know who they are or their behind-the-scenes motivations. They could be hiding a dark side, such as being a domestic abuser, a narcissist, or even a sociopath, without even realizing it because many people are excellent at wearing masks. You can’t trust someone because they claim to be a love expert. In fact, following their guidance might put you in a dangerous situation without them giving it a second thought. These individuals may have a way with words and a charming smile, but they are more likely responsible for women settling for someone who could jeopardize their life or make it unbearable. It’s crucial to understand that they have no concern for your well-being.

Someone who genuinely cares about your well-being would point out the obvious: your trauma, your parental models regarding love, or witnessing a healthy or unhealthy relationship. Our environment teaches us almost everything, starting from childhood. There’s a reason they say you marry either your mother or father. It’s not for shits and giggles; it’s a fact. And now they know it shows in the brain, specifically in the regions in charge of novelty and familiarity. Our parents or caregivers and home dynamics are contributing factors to why it’s challenging to find a decent relationship, let alone deep love and companionship because of complex trauma. Someone would say it’s the construct and the cycle of bullshit that has put many people in their circumstances today. And a lot of it is not their fault, as they may not even be aware of it all. Ignorance is not bliss. We are trapped in toxic systems with a bunch of crazy man-made bullshit. However, it becomes your responsibility the moment you realize what’s the contributing factor to your situation and choose not to change it. This applies to everyone, not just a specific gender.

I have something to say: acclaimed thought-leaders often come across as ego-driven individuals who will never take accountability for being wrong. They will never admit they are wrong and made a mistake. They use vague and broad statements, talking excessively. You know the type - those professors who go on rants simply because they enjoy hearing themselves speak. They exude confidence in their voice and carefully choose their words. Let me tell you, the way words are strung together can hold more power than anything concrete or valid. Salespeople understand this concept well, using their communication skills to persuade people into buying things they don’t actually need. Acclaimed thought-leaders are no different. In fact, there are quite a few prominent names out there who exhibit sociopathic traits, and it genuinely frightens me that people haven’t realized it yet. I won’t mention any specific books or authors, but there is one book that essentially teaches you how to become a sociopath, albeit not explicitly titled as such. The advice it offers essentially guides you on adopting the traits of a sociopath.

Here are some words to be cautious of, as they may trigger your alarm bells. When you come across these words, it’s important to engage in critical thinking. Take everything that person says with a grain of salt and don’t consider it as absolute truth. Words like “master,” “guru,” and “expert” need to put you on high alert. If you encounter these words, detach yourself from your emotions and try to view it from a third-person perspective. Make a conscious effort to not get caught up in what they are saying. Nobody is a master or an expert. They can be more skilled in their field and have a bit more experience, but no one is a master or an expert. As human beings, our knowledge is limited. Information is constantly changing and evolving. Even monks cannot claim to be masters of enlightenment or beyond the human experience. Knowledge is infinite, and we have much to learn. It’s important to practice humility and acknowledge that we know very little. I, too, am just a student of life, so please approach what I say with discernment. Even as I write about all of this, continuously ask questions and engage in critical thinking, as I am a flawed human being with my own share of traumas to resolve.

The reason I write about trauma and its detrimental effects is because, like many others, I have a voice. However, because of my speech impediment, I may not sound as convincing as a suave speaker. Nonetheless, through my writing, I aim to provide some insight to whoever wants to read my blogs. I want to give them something to think about and perhaps highlight the possibility of healing and gaining wisdom from their traumas and experiences. Before: It never crossed my mind that my circumstances enable me to assess someone’s character so effectively. I’m still here, you know. Still alive by sheer damn luck. Learning about yourself, acknowledging and healing it might help you figure out someone’s insidious intentions, and may even save your life. Well, at least I hope.

Thank you.

[astrangewoman]

my first psychiatrist misdiagnosed me as bipolar (as well as an abundance of other things, some of which were correct) when I was 21, and he once recommended electroshock therapy if they “couldn’t get my mood swings under control” with medication. I was taking 14-16 different pills then. I was sedated from some of them, so he prescribed me others to wake me up. I was taking pills that made me shake so hard I couldn’t write, so he prescribed me additional ones to combat it. he fought side effects from pills with more pills. I couldn’t focus. I could hardly hold a conversation, much less retain anything. my cognitive abilities were completely shot. I was taking 900+ mg of lithium every night and 70 mg of vyvanse in the morning to wake me up and help me focus and 20 mg of adderall in the afternoon to perk me up when the vyvanse’s effects would start to wane.

I wasn’t bipolar.

I was a mentally and emotionally abused girl dealing with prolonged trauma, and I was reacting to triggers and boundaries repeatedly being crossed in a chaotic and unsafe home environment.

he was going to use electroshock therapy on me because he ran out of options when the myriad of pills he put me on weren’t shutting off my brain or my emotions like he wanted, like my mom wanted. she actually considered it, which felt like a betrayal because it seemed so unsafe and barbaric to me. (she never should’ve been involved in the conversation in the first place but my doctor always insisted that she sit in on our appointments. I was still living with her, and I didn’t know better, and I was afraid to speak up.) I actually considered it, even though it scared me terribly, because I didn’t know any other way out of my suffering that wasn’t final.

I took 900 mg of lithium every day for almost 9 years before I finally found a psychiatrist who recognized what I’d always suspected but was never supported. my brain will never ever be the same.

I think about that all the time. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it.

idk where I’m going with this or why I’m even sharing. it’s been weighing heavy on my mind and my heart this week, for some reason. the moral of my story, I guess, is to advocate for yourself. if something doesn’t feel right, speak up and get a second opinion if you can. I was unfortunately ignored and felt beaten down to a point where I just kind of accepted my diagnoses until I couldn’t anymore. my doctors (I left that one shortly after the electroshock suggestion) found a cocktail of medications that seemingly did the trick, and by that I mean my anxiety and depression were subdued enough that I could more-or-less function so it seemed like these doctors were on to something. until they abruptly stopped doing the trick. until I finally put my armchair research on trauma disorders to work and found a therapist who listened and who recommended a psychiatrist who understood.

I hate that psychiatrists are so expensive and that the “good ones” I’ve come across don’t take my (or any) insurance. I hate that mental healthcare feels more, and is more, like a privilege than the most basic human right. I hate that my first two psychiatrists only thought of trauma disorders in relation to military veterans and not abuse survivors (or any other way that trauma could manifest itself). I worry about the fact that my first doctor is primarily a youth psychiatrist because that means that actual children could be facing the same experience and misdiagnoses I was when I was seeing him. I hate that I feel powerless in stopping it. sharing my story helps make me feel better. I don’t know that it would or does make a difference for others, but I don’t feel like just writing this down in a private place just for me. I’m not afraid to be honest and speak out anymore, like I used to be. I’m not afraid of the boogeyman, no matter who he might be.

[loveguts]

ok last skinamapost but there’s a lot to digest about it so here’s my own personal theory on what i think the movie is about?

(content warning for mentions of child abuse, suicide, and self harm) (also heads up for spoilers for the entire movie)

so disclaimer i only saw this movie once a few hours ago so i’d really need to rewatch it to really develop what i think about it and pick up on details i missed out on and stuff

personally i think it’s a metaphor for child abuse and the malevolent force fucking with the kids is representative of the mental trauma of it and the way abusers can just haunt you, but the shape the memories take makes them into just this sort of shapeless horror. i once said to one of my therapists that my childhood abuser was less of a person to me now and more like some boogeyman, and that’s the vibe i got from the way the entity was portrayed.

i think that the entity is representative of both trauma as in ptsd symptoms, and trauma as a memory of an abuser that’s less of a distinct person and more of this amalgamation of cruelty. some thoughts:

-completely altering the world around you even in nonsensical ways because what you know is cruelty

-sabotages attempts to help (the 911 call)

-killing/torturing kevin over and over again, forcing him to relive it (like a flashback). i think it’s interesting that the one sound from the cartoon repeats throughout this too, which kind of acts as a motif to tie a lot of the movie together and imply repetition.

-calling the kids upstairs, particularly in regards to their parents’ bedroom. making them confront their abusers.

-taking the eyes and the mouth of kaylee. can’t see what’s happening anymore, can’t tell anyone about what’s happening.

-the whole knife in the eye thing reminds me of how kids in abusive situations will often self harm or do otherwise extreme things for a variety of reasons. it also reminds me of intrusive thoughts i’ve had about stabbing myself and even ones that are just exactly like the movie (stabbing my eye out).

-overall throughout the movie the kids are relatively calm when reacting to everything happening. i think this could imply acceptance and dissociation from the trauma because it’s no longer new or shocking, just numbed from it.

-the toilet thing was weird but i think i pieced it together. i think it’s designed to purely and sadistically humiliate the kids. trauma can be humiliating and humiliation can be trauma. taking away the thing that helps them dispose of their waste = forcing them to live alongside it. in a way, the waste itself could be seen as representative of the trauma. you’re begging to get rid of, it’s literal waste in your life, but you can’t get rid of it when it’s just right there in a bucket. it makes you feel disgusting and guilty and gross but you can’t get away from it.

as for why i think the kids were abused at all:

-kaylee doesn’t want to talk about their mother

-falling is often a huge go-to excuse for both abusers and abuse survivors when there’s visible injuries. the dad sounds stoic and relatively unconcerned when talking about kevin falling and hurting his head. i think the sleep walking was a red herring and an attempt for the dad to cover his tracks.

-i think the scene with the parents on the bed is interesting because one parent is asking for kaylee to close her eyes, and the other is telling her to look under the bed. i think this is mostly symbolism based, because under the bed is where people typically store things and keep things out of sight. so looking under the bed = looking at what’s hidden and stored away— confronting trauma. she didn’t see anything under the bed itself because that language was metaphorical, what she was meant to be looking at was her parents who were right there in front of her. i think this is meant to be representative of repressed memories from abuse, because she knows something should be there but she can’t see it. meanwhile, the other parent tells her to close her eyes. she doesn’t want her to acknowledge the abuse. maybe the mom was complicit but not an active abuser herself, just not doing anything to stop it. “your dad and i love you very much” in the context of the film sounds like an excuse for something that happened. when kaylee leaves the room, she wants to move the couch. she’s blocking it out. she doesn’t want to talk about mom because that means acknowledging that maybe her mom let something bad happen, maybe her mom doesn’t care, her mom is just making her ignore it. i think her eyes are taken because she tried understanding what’s happening to her, her mouth is taken because she’s trying to stop being complicit and stand up for herself (the entity says her mouth was taken because she wouldn’t do what she was told).

-i also have a theory that the mother committed suicide sometime before the events of the movie, and they encounter her in the weird trauma memory dimension. (basically i think the entire movie is meant to represent traumatic childhood memories and what it feels like to have flashbacks and recall them). iirc the first time we hear her is when she’s crying, after kaylee says she doesn’t want to talk about mom. there’s also a scene where there’s a chair on the ceiling, and another scene where there’s a barbie doll on the wall (or the ceiling? not sure). i think that all of this, combined with the fact that there’s a loud bang from the closet when kaylee talks to her and the closest door is later opened, could signify their mother hanging herself in their closet (chair + barbie is how i came to the hanging conclusion , like kicking over a chair and being suspended from the ceiling, i also think closets are unfortunately a common place for people to commit suicide in this way). i also think it’s possible kaylee is the one that discovered her body and repressed the traumatic memory of it, given the context of everything else.

anyways this is all just my interpretation and by no means canon. and it’s also not perfect either there’s probably a lot of holes in it and i really need to rewatch it and develop it more and decide if i still agree or disagree with this on my second watch. 🤔

[ask-s-offenderman]

Hey arc, I just saw your post about the game with Smexy. I gotta ask, when you first created this character, did you expect him to become as big as he’s become, and did he developed in a way that you like after the fans got a hold of him. Also if you could do one thing differently. What would it be?

Arc: I expected him to become big, but I expected somone else whos actually interested in pornographic stuff to run off with the basic concept I put forward while I would be anonymous and get back to drawing superhero comics and pokemon.

But it turns out, counter intuitively, an asexual person (somone who doesn't experience sexual attraction) is actually one of the best kind of person to handle heavy topics like assault and abuse, because I couldn't be horny about that kinda stuff even if I tried.

And rape is the one sexual topic you don't want somone to be horny for.

So I kinda had to toughen up and try to take responsibility, despite how entirely contrary the character and everything he stands for are to my actual interests.

Because the current norm of either relegating such topics to either porn or discussions with a often prohibitively expensive therapist, often only serves to let misconceptions about the topics run rampant and push survivors of abuse out of communities.

Like I'm the sort of person who really wants to do good by people. Nothing grinds my gears more than innocent people suffering horribly for no good reason. With it seeming like almost everyone around me was and is suffering from some sort of suicidal depression or another.

And ultimately I had to face the facts that more good could be done by using offenderman as a tool to encourage people to face their biases, have opportunities to talk about heavy topics openly with their peers, and help to set up methods by which assault and abuse could be, for lack of a better term, desexualized and depicted as horror rather than erotic.

Unfortunately though, the further the fandom gets from my original content, the more generic sexyman and less of a satire he becomes.

Not that I can really blame most people though.

People underestimate how difficult of a task this sort of stuff is to pull off well.

Like it sounds absurd (because it is) but trying to undo literal centuries of really awful cultural baggage through media is a nightmare to try and pull off even on a small scale.

Even more so when you have mediocre skills and zero budget.

And I only have so much time and motivation to be able to deal with that kinda stuff.

Though I am making one last big push to try and fix the problem somewhat. Hence the kickstarter.

Basically I'm making a guide book for the cannon of the offenderman character and how to use him. The kickstarter is to pay artists to help with the visuals for the book and make it more engaging to read with drawings and comics and stuff.

You can see a teaser for the book here.

And if I could do one thing differently, it woulda been trying to make the guidebook much earlier.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hey there! I know you've answered previously that pretty much anything can be traumatizing for a child, but how damaging can be growing up with chronic illnesses and no aid from your caretakers?

TW: medical stuff, neglect (?), possible child abuse, not-so-great parenting

/

I've had gastrointestinal issues since I was born, and almost daily episodes through my childhood where eating anything at all would result in unbearable pain, but was too afraid of telling that to my parents, scared they would blame me for it. Later in life, in my adolescence, my toenails would start growing into my fingers and cause infections that almost resulted in necrosis, but I was denied the so-needed surgeries by my father, who refused to pay for them even though he had plenty of money, so I was forced to make "homemade" procedures by myself (which often resulted in worst outcome). I also remember having antibiotics forced down my throat with a syringe when I refused to take it and getting slapped when I threw it up over the kitchen floor (I believe I was about 7 years old at that time).

Note that I had forgotten most of this and recovered these memories when, a few years back, I had a GI episode in my father's house, and he screamed and berated me when I "threw up", aka gagged, while trying to run for the toilet. He pushed me into the bathroom and yelled how "it wasn't that hard" (to get there), and when I told him it wasn't my fault, he called me selfish and ungrateful. Then, instead of taking me to the hospital or letting me see my mom, he got furious that I didn't think he was able to take care of me and accused me of trusting my mom better than him. He coerced me into trying to make myself throw up again (the fingers down the throat thing) and then gave me hangover medicine. After that, things got messy for various reasons and I got officialy disowned.

Now, I am freshly diagnosed with DID and can't bring myself to believe it was all really that bad. There were some less than pleasant parts, sure, and there's plenty more to unpack beyond these small separate events, but I don't feel like that's enough. I have felt terrible ever since, like I somehow misled my psychiatrist into believing that I had a terrible life. I'm truly sorry for the rant (you can just stick with the original question if you'd like), I'm just so confused.

Hi anon,

First of all I'm so sorry to hear about what you went through. It's honestly unsettling just to listen to, and I can't imagine what it must've been like to experience it yourself. Please know that this can absolutely count as trauma, and it makes sense that this may have led to the development of DID.

It can be natural for trauma survivors to feel like what happened to them wasn't sufficient to be traumatized. It's almost like a kind of trauma impostor syndrome, where you feel like you're lying to yourself about the severity of your trauma, when in reality it is that bad. I want to recognize that it takes a lot of strength for you to challenge these thoughts and choose to discuss and work through your experiences and the feelings surrounding them. Learning to give yourself some self-compassion and self-acceptance is a slow but rewarding process.

I understand how it can be hard to acknowledge the gravity of our trauma, especially when we find ourselves surprised by how much it actually affected us. But it may be helpful to remember that trauma isn't defined by what happened to us, rather it's defined by our psychological reactions to it. This is because we all have a multitude of factors that either contribute to or hinder our resilience - our ability to cope with stressful or potentially traumatic events. This can include genes, preexisting mental health issues, the environment we were raised in, what support we had, and so on.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist could best help you in processing your trauma, exploring your system, dismantling impostor syndrome, and developing some healthy coping mechanisms that you can take with you along your healing journey.

I hope I could help, and we're here if you need anything.

-Bun

[anarkittyuwuuniverse]

"In the anti-narcissist industrial complex, people fall into one of two camps: dangerous, alluring, abusive narcissists, and fawning, sensitive, victimized empaths.

Empaths are encouraged to trust their intuition and push all narcissistic people out of their lives. They’re provided with a laundry list of narcissistic red flags, all of them vague and none of them rooted in peer-reviewed research. Beware anyone who seems charming or whose kindness seems calculated, these resources warn. Don’t trust someone if their emotions seem superficial or they talk about themselves too much.

Never mind that a wide variety of people with mental illness and disabilities such as autism exhibit these traits. Don’t consider for a moment that your instincts might be colored by trauma or bias. You are the aggrieved party, the victim, and narcissists will always be drawn to you. You must always keep your shield raised.

I used to be the kind of person who found these resources appealing. I was escaping an abusive relationship back in 2011, and it brought me great comfort to think of my abuser as a narcissist. The term offered a way of mentally closing the door on him. I needed a reason to stop giving him second chances, and the language of narcissism gave me one. He was irredeemable—basically evil.

Yet, as time went on, I found that seeing my ex as a narcissist and myself as an empathic victim was far too simplistic. The narcissist-empath framework obscured the cruel things I’d said and done, the ways I manipulated and emotionally exploded at other people I loved.

My ex was a selfish person with a limited capacity for empathy, it’s true. But upon discovering I was autistic, I realized I shared some of those exact same traits. I also have trouble understanding how other people feel. I also need to be reminded to step out of my own head and consider how I affect others. I don’t think I’m a hopeless case. And as much as I loathe my ex, I wouldn’t want the people around him to think he’s a hopeless case either.

There are contextual factors that explain why my “narcissistic” ex became the violent, cruel person he is today. His own parents and grandparents abused him. When he showed early signs of violence, he was shamed, not helped. His whiteness, maleness, and wealth kept him isolated from other people, and he never developed relational skills. If I want there to be less abuse of power in the world, I need to fight the social forces that created him. The same is true of people like Donald Trump.

Sometimes, forensic psychologists describe incarcerated individuals as narcissistic. Pop psychology writers brand successful yet cutthroat CEOs and elusive scammers as narcissistic quite frequently. Books for abuse survivors often describe emotionally immature parents or cruel partners as narcissistic. But almost all of this is driven by anecdote, hearsay, and speculation.

There is no strongly supported, evidence-based treatment for narcissism. Like most “personality disorders,” narcissism is partially defined by how untreatable therapists view it to be. There is something wrong with the personalities of these folks, after all. That’s pretty close to saying someone is fundamentally broken. In short, narcissists are rarely directly observed by science yet are frequently described—and usually in heightened, scandalized language. Which all seems to me like an only slightly more scientific way of saying they’re monsters.

What defines narcissism? Well, a core part of the condition is having a deep disparity between the self-esteem one projects to the world (explicit self-esteem), and the self-esteem one feels inside (implicit self-esteem). Narcissistic types claim to have grandiose self-images. They seek a lot of outward recognition that they are smart and talented and good. But they also dislike themselves a great deal. Any small slight or setback can wound them intensely. They’re at a heightened risk of suicide, and their suicide attempts tend to have especially high mortality rates.

In other words, narcissists are insecure, emotionally sensitive people who want a lot of attention and struggle to connect and who often hate themselves so much they want to die. How that struggle came to be so widely panned and demonized, I’ll never understand." -Sympathy for the narcissist