#And like yeah sure you shouldn't have to live with guilt and stuff

[green-mountain-goose]

.

[slut4thebroken]

Second Chances

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Pairing | Emmett x reader

Summary | Emmett takes advantage of your kindness and hospitality.

Warnings | Smut, 18+, non con, emotional manipulation, praise, guilt tripping, very large age gap, painful sex, first time, breeding, crying, bro has hella trauma fr.

Words | 2.5 k

Notes | Direct result of my Emmett brain rot (Also two fics in one day??🫣)

Ao3 link | <3

Masterlist

“Here you go.” You smiled, handing the steaming mug to him. 

“Thanks.” His voice was quiet as he took it from you and held it in his lap. 

“What’s your name?” You asked, sitting down next to him, hoping you weren’t intruding too much. He paused for a moment, seemingly debating if he actually wanted to make conversation with you and give you “personal” information about himself. 

“Emmett.” He finally said. 

You gave him your name and watched as his eyes dragged down your body, taking in every inch of you. With a blush, you cleared your throat and looked away for a moment to gather your thoughts. “Are you sure you don’t need anything else? Are you warm enough?” He looked over you again with a neutral expression that made you squirm a little. 

“Actually I’m still a little cold. Is there anywhere I could go that’s inside?” 

“Oh- yes! Of course.” You said quickly as you got to your feet. “My parents will be out of the house for another couple of hours so you can use some extra blankets and maybe lay down on the couch for a while.” You smiled. He didn’t return the expression as he stood up and followed you for a couple minutes until you finally walked up a porch to the front door. 

“Okay, let me just grab another blanket and then I’ll start the fire place as well.” You ran off to retrieve a blanket and when you came back, he was sitting on the couch looking around the room. 

He gave you a small “thank you” after you handed him the blanket and you could feel his eyes on you as you walked forward, then kneeled down in front of the fireplace. “You live here with your parents?” He suddenly asked, almost startling you. 

“Yeah. Since there’s three of us, we got our own place. A lot of other people had to share.” He hummed in acknowledgment and you finished up with starting the fire before turning around to face him, finding his eyes already on you. “Can I get you anything else?” 

“This is more than enough.” He said softly. 

“Okay… Well, I’ll let you rest. If you’re hungry I can try to make something?” You offered with a kind smile. 

“Actually I’d rather talk with you.” 

“Oh-” You said, eyes widening in surprise— He didn’t seem like the kind of man who would want to make small talk with a stranger. “Are you sure?” 

“Yes. It’s been a while since I’ve talked to someone like this.” You hesitantly got up and sat down next to him on the couch. 

“Like what?” You asked curiously. 

“So loud… and about things other than survival.” His voice was still quiet, but this time there was a bit of a solemn undertone to it. 

“Oh.” You bit your lip, trying to think of what to say, but not really knowing how to approach this. “You never… had anyone to talk to about normal stuff? Surely it wasn’t all survival.” You can’t even imagine what he must have experienced. When he suddenly looked away and clenched his jaw, you realized that you might’ve over stepped. “I’m sorry, that was— I shouldn't have pried…”

“It’s fine. I had a family, but they’re gone now.” He still wasn’t looking at you. Taking one last sip from the mug, he leaned forward, then placed it on the coffee table. 

“God, I- I’m so sorry.” You said quietly. 

“It’s silly, but… I miss being able to hug them— to hug people.” He finally looked at you again, this time with a sad smile. “I remember the last time I felt someone’s touch… 11 weeks ago.” That must have been when his family died…

“Would you like a hug?” You offered nervously, hoping you weren’t too bold again. He studied you for another moment before nodding. 

“That would be really nice.” Once you had his approval, you moved closer and wrapped your arms around him, letting him do the same even though his wet clothes were starting to dampen yours. He let out a quiet breath and relaxed into the embrace. “Thank you… I’ve been so lonely.” He whispered, making you frown. 

“You won’t have to be anymore. The people here are very kind, you’ll make plenty of friends.” 

“I can tell.” His voice was a little amused now and he pulled back just enough to look at you. “If it’s not too much trouble… could I hug you a little more?” 

“Of course.” You said instantly, then let out a startled sound when he lifted you onto his lap so you were straddling his thighs. You thought he meant more as in for a longer period of time, not.. this…

“Thank you.” He said again, pulling you closer and burying his face in the crook of your neck. You were stiff for a few seconds, still trying to process this new development, but finally you relaxed into him and hugged him a little tighter. “I’ve almost forgotten what it feels like.” He whispered against your neck. 

“To hug?” You wondered, trying to understand. 

“Yes. But also the gentle touch of a woman.” A blush took over your face and you cleared your throat awkwardly. “You know, my wife… I was with her when she passed.” He said quietly. You were already dreading where this was going, not sure you could handle learning about any more of the pain he’s suffered since the start of everything. “I had a really hard time understanding and accepting this… but she said she wanted me to move on. To be happy again.” One of his arms stayed wrapped around your upper body, but the other moved a little lower, pulling you closer so your hips were also flush with his. 

“Emmett…” You said quietly, trying to pull away, but he just tightened his grip and you finally felt the bulge pressed up against your heat. You tried not to gasp at the realization.

“Shh… It’s okay. I just— You look so much like her…” You had no idea what to say. You’ve never been in a position like this before. “I’m sorry.” He suddenly pulled away and you stared down at him in confusion. “I’m sorry. I don’t deserve this. Not after everything I’ve done— everything I didn’t do.” Your lips parted, but no words could come out for a moment.  

“You deserve feeling safe and cared for. Everything you had to do was for the sake of staying alive.” At least you assumed it was. Honestly you have no idea what he’s done. “And it’s not your fault— what happened to your family. You did everything you could.” You said softly and he started shaking his head. “Yes. You can’t blame yourself, Emmett. Maybe that’s why your wife said that to you before she passed… because she knew how much you’d struggle with it.” 

“You remind me of her so much.” He said through a choked sob, making you freeze. You had no idea he’d get so emotional. Not knowing what else to do, you just pulled him back into the hug and held him tightly. “That’s exactly the kind of response she would’ve given.” He croaked. In response, you just hugged him even tighter. 

“It’s okay…” You whispered. “I’m so sorry, Emmett. No one deserves to go through what you have.” 

“It hurts.” He cried, making your heart ache for him. 

“Tell me what you need. How can I help?” You said quickly, not wanting to see him like this any longer. 

“Can I— can I kiss you?”

“What?!” You choked out, making him pull back to look at you. The tear tracks on his cheeks were far less than what you thought they’d be, but maybe they just wiped off on your dress. 

“Please. I miss her so much and… god you look exactly like her.” He whispered, bringing a hand up to cup your cheek. 

“I…” You’ve never kissed anyone before. Are you really about to give it away to a stranger you just met less than an hour ago? “Emmett…”

“I know I don’t deserve it— I know. But I just… it hurts so bad, I can’t take it.” He all but whimpered, making your hesitant expression melt into something softer and more sympathetic. 

“…I’ve never kissed anyone before.” You admitted quietly and you swore his eyes darkened, but it was too hard to really tell. 

“I know I’m asking far too much of you— I know I don’t deserve your kindness,” 

“Stop saying things like that.” You frowned. “You deserve kindness, you deserve to feel loved, just like everyone else.” He stared at you for a moment, his eyes still glossy with tears, then he was suddenly leaning forward and capturing your lips in a kiss. You let out a muffled sound of surprise and brought your hands to his chest, trying to push him away. In response, he snaked his hand around your head to grasp your hair, holding you still as he moaned quietly. 

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled against your lips. You let out another startled sound when he suddenly threw you off of him so you were laying on your back on the couch. Before you could move away, he was crawling over you, kissing you again as his hands roamed your body. 

“Emmett-” You tried to say as you continued pushing his chest, but he was too strong. “Stop!” 

“I know.” He panted before snaking his hand down your stomach all the way to the apex of your thighs. He slipped under your dress easily and roughly cupped your sex, making you whimper. 

“Emmett, please stop.” 

“I will. I will— I just need this. I haven’t been with a woman in so long…” He whispered. “I promise I’ll be fast.” 

“Please don’t,” You whimpered, already feeling tears brimming in your eyes. 

“I know. I’m sorry.” His hand suddenly left your body to open his pants and free his cock, then he was pulling your panties to the side and lining up. 

“Please! I- I’m a..” You sobbed, trying anything to get this to stop. 

“I’ll be gentle.” He promised, then faltered and added, “At least… I’ll try to be.” When you felt the head of his cock drag through your folds, your body went completely rigid. 

“Please! Emmett, please don’t,” You cried, still trying to push him away. 

“Shh…” The blunt head of his cock was against your entrance now, pushing as hard as possible, trying to fit inside you. When he finally breached your opening, his hand slapped over your mouth, muffling your shrill scream. “Oh— fuck… I'm not gonna last.” He moaned loudly, letting his head drop down for a moment. The tears in your eyes were finally falling and you sobbed almost violently behind his hand. Your crying only got worse though when he continued pushing in. 

“Almost there.” He whispered and you let out an anguished sob in response. It felt like you were being ripped open as he continued pushing deeper, a lot farther than what you could comfortably take. “Good girl… Just a little more.” Your body was trembling from the pain and you started clawing at him, trying anything to get this to stop. But he was undeterred. When he finally bottomed out, he let out a low groan that was overshadowed by your cry of pain. 

“I know… I’m sorry. Fuck, you feel so good. Just like how she felt.” He whispered. “I think she’d be happy that it’s you.” He gave you a small smile, then slowly pulled out until only the tip was inside before forcing it back in. 

“Please!” You cried, the word coming out muffled from behind his hand. 

“God- your cunt is so good.” He groaned, picking up the pace, making you cry harder. 

“Stop! Please…” You whimpered brokenly. 

“I know, baby. I’m almost done, I promise.” He said breathily. You tried kicking your legs, thrashing under him, pushing him away, but he was too strong. “Just a little longer, you’re doing so good.” He removed his hand, but before you could scream, he was kissing you again. This time, he shoved his tongue passed your parted lips, licking into your mouth in a desperate, almost feral manner. That, along with the fact that you couldn’t focus on this kiss because of how hard you were crying, made it incredibly messy and sloppy and wet. 

He snapped his hips into you, chasing his orgasm as he kissed you like he’d never be able to kiss anyone ever again, making it feel like you could barely breathe. Mostly because of the kiss, but also because of how overwhelming the pain of the stretch was. He continued kissing you and his facial hair felt scratchy against face, only furthering your discomfort. 

“I’m close.” He whispered against your lips. At least it was almost over. “I haven’t filled up a cunt in over a year.” He practically growled, making you stiffen again. 

“N-no… Emmett, please don’t. Please pull out.” You begged desperately, trying to speak coherently through all of the crying. 

“I thought you said I deserve this? That I deserve to finally be happy after everything.” He frowned, making you falter. 

“I didn’t mean… this.” You choked out, not sure what else to say. 

“I know…” He said quietly, letting his eyes flutter shut. “I’ll try to pull out.” 

“Emmett, please. You have to,” He leaned down and cut you off with another kiss as his thrusts became even rougher. 

“You’re such a good girl…” He murmured against your lips, breathing heavily as he neared his release. “So good. I’m gonna make you mine. I’ll take care of you, just like I took care of her. But we’ll be safe this time...” You shook your head, unable to do anything else. “No monsters, no illness— It’s gonna be perfect. We’ll even have some boys, yeah?”

“No,” You sobbed, quickly feeling defeated. You couldn’t stop this no matter how hard you tried. “Please, Emmett… I just turned 18, I- I can’t…” He moaned quietly when you said that. 

“Shh. Yes you can. I’ll help you, baby, we’ll do it together.” You shook your head in disagreement as you continued to cry. “Fuck,” He choked out, eyes closing again. “Ready?” 

“No— no, Emmett… please. Please pull out!” You yelled, making him curse under his breath. With one final groan, he forced his cock all the way in, pushing up against your cervix uncomfortably. 

“Oh, good girl.” He moaned, lazily rutting into you as he rode out his high. “So fucking good. So tight… milking every fucking drop.” He said proudly, making you cry harder at the verbal reminder that he just came inside you. 

“Emmett…” You whimpered, feeling his cock twitch inside you. 

“Thank you.” He said through a breath. “Thank you so much.” He almost sounded like he was about to cry in relief and that made you falter. This man has been alone for weeks, just haunted by the memories of his family with no real outlet or source of comfort. So when someone finally offered him some… he jumped at the chance immediately. You probably would’ve done the same, had you lost your entire family. 

“And I meant what I said. I’m going to keep you safe this time, I promise.” He said quietly, reaching down to feel where his cock was bulging your stomach— where a baby would be growing soon enough. “All of you.” 

[writeandsurvive]

Summary: Alden mistakes your relationship with Tobias Fornell for something it is not

Warnings: talks of grief, mentions of Emily Fornell's death, attack by a frame, wound, blood, jealousy, NCIS normal stuff

Author's note: I still think Emily's death was unnecessary but that's another debate. I had to give Tobias love bc damnit, he deserves the world. Based on ep 19x17 'Starting Over'

Permission ~ Alden Parker

Seeing Tobias Fornell walking into the bullpen brought some familiarity that instantly warmed your heart. You rushed to him, arms extended and hugged him pretty tight. "Hi sweetheart," he whispered, kissing the side of your head and returning the hug. He then greeted the rest of the team, included Alden, whom he hasn't seen in a long time. You smiled seeing them being friendly with each other and wished to see more of that.

Tobias started to talk about the victim, whom he sponsored in the grieving group, but it wasn't any help as Tobias thought Thomas was making progress. Eventually, the team got back to their desks to keep investigating while your favorite person said he was going to say hello to Jimmy down in Autopsy.

"Permission to go with?" You asked Alden.

"Um, yeah, sure."

You immediately grabbed Tobias's hand and the two of you walked towards the elevator, unaware that Alden stared until you were out of sight. In the elevator, the former FBI agent pulled you in for another hug. "How are you today, T?" You asked softly.

"I feel like I failed Thomas." He sighed. "But I'm glad to see you. I miss you."

"I miss you too. I'm sorry work has been crazy lately,"

"Hey, hey, don't apologize. I know how it is. I guess I miss having you at home."

After Emily's death, you made the choice to move in with Tobias without asking for his opinion. He was a mess - fairly so - and you didn't like the idea of him being alone. So you had grabbed your essentials, and made yourself at home in his spare bedroom. To be fair, Tobias hadn't had the strength to fight you on this, so he just let you. He even let you when you took a few days off to stay with him, try to get him out of bed even if it was just for a walk around the block. He let you feed him, hug him as he cried, take care of the house. You also took care of Emily's funeral and all the paperwork as Tobias couldn't bring himself to do it. He was dead inside and if it wasn't for you, he probably would've done the irreparable.

"You literally packed my stuff and brought them back to my place." You reminded him.

"Because an amazing woman like you shouldn't be living with her old ass broken friend." He kissed your cheek. "Alden wouldn't understand." He softly smiled.

"We are so not doing this again."

Luckily the elevator's doors opened immediately after.

The case was moving forward, and Tobias stayed around. He clearly wanted to be a part of the case, probably out of guilt and also perhaps he missed working cases. However Alden wasn't giving him anything to do, which makes sense when you think about it - he wasn't a federal agent anymore - but that frustrated you. Seeing your friend walking around the office like a lost puppy hurt.

"I can give T my laptop and he can help me with my research." You offered.

"I said no, Agent L/N." Alden answered firmly. "You're actually coming with me to see this other woman."

You sighed but grabbed your stuff anyways. You kissed Tobias's cheek before leaving, "Sorry I tried." You whispered.

Throughout the elevator ride and the walk to the car, you could feel Alden's frustration. He wasn't speaking to you like he usually is, he wasn't even looking at you. "T could use the distraction." You said, as you got into the car.

"It doesn't have to be our case. He's not an fed anymore and he knew the victim."

"And he feels like he failed the guy! Helping us would actually help him."

"Wow." Alden chuckled dryly.

"What?"

"For years I've heard about this girl who would protect Fornell with her life, go after anyone who went after him. I honestly thought she didn't exist, but boy was I wrong."

"Do you have a problem with my relationship with Tobias?" You asked, slightly offended.

"As long as it doesn't interfere with your work and our cases, I honestly don't care."

You switched from offended to hurt. How stupid were you for thinking that Alden may reciprocate your crush. He clearly wasn't, he couldn't care less about you on a personal level. You stayed silent the rest of the ride, looking at the city through the window. Alden didn't talk either.

The silence treatment didn't stay on for long, as Thomas's other girlfriend threw a frame at Alden's after he told her about his actual wife. You jumped from the couch to check on him. "Alden, hey! You okay? Can you hear me?" He was holding his forehead but you still saw some blood dripping. "Let me see." You gently pulled his hand away and check at the wound. "Yeah you're gonna need some stitches."

The woman was still crying and shouting at you two to get out of her house. For a moment, you consider arresting her for assaulting a federal agent, but Alden simply said 'let's go' and you were walking back to the car.

You started to fish inside his coat pocket. "What are you doing?"

"Looking for the car keys." You checked the other one.

"Pants." He said, leaning against the car. "Tell me you have a tissue or something?"

After looking at him for a second, you shrugged and searches for the keys in his pants pockets. You knew it was highly inappropriate but your hands behind so close to him and his crotch, did something to you. You took a deep breath before opening the car. Once inside, you took your knife and cut a piece of your shirt. "Again, what are you doing?"

"You need some tissue."

"Well yeah but not from your own clothes."

"I don't have anything else, so it's either that or your fancy suit."

He sighed but didn't argue. You pulled his hand away again, and started to clean the blood that dripped out of the wound. You were so gentle, and so close to Alden, it made him uncontrollably blush. When you brushed his hair away, he closed your eyes for a second, enjoying the feeling. "I'm not hurting you?" You asked softly, making his heart go faster.

"N-no. It's okay."

"It's going to be fun for you to explain this scar." You giggled.

"Better than explaining the one I have on my thigh."

When he saw the curiosity on your face and your grin, he regretted every word. "Don't--"

"What happened to your thigh, Alden?" You asked, still grining. "Hold this until you get back to the office."

"I won't tell you."

You settled back into your seat and started to drive. "I can be pretty annoying and stubborn."

"Yeah, I gathered that."

You gave a death stare but a few seconds later, you were both laughing.

You didn't bother going to the bullpen but instead took Alden immediately to Jimmy in Autopsy, where Tobias and Grace were.

"I got an patient for you, Jim!" You announced almost cheerfully.

"Oh wow, what happened to you, Parker?"

Alden sat on the chair Jimmy gave him. "He got attacked by a frame." You told them, after hugging Grace.

"Aaah, those nasty things." Tobias chuckled. You moved close to him, as he was leaning against an autopsy table. You grabbed his arm with yours and leaned your head on his shoulder, and started to tell the full story while Jimmy was patching up Alden. He barely looked at you or Tobias.

Alden really tried to avoid you after that, but it was almost impossible. He hated how you told the story of his wound, not because you were saying it with a smile, but because all he could think about was the after, in the car. He could still smell you from up close, he could still feel your minty breath on his face. He's never been into a friend's girlfriend before and he had no idea what to do. All he knew was how he hated whenever you hug, kissed or touched Tobias, how jealous he felt when he heard you and Tobias making plan for the evening. Clearly you were spending the night at T's place, and he wished it was him. He almost found an excuse to make you stay but realized how petty that was. This case couldn't end fast enough.

The next day, Alden was relieved to see you coming in without Tobias. You stopped at his desk, to grab a pastry and leaned a little to have a closer look at his wound. "It's good you don't have a bruise or anything else. It is hurting?" You asked. He wished you weren't this sweet and thoughtful with him.

"It throbs at times but it's okay. I'll live."

"Good, would be a shame to lose you to a framed picture." You smiled and walked to your own desk.

A minute later, a text popped on his phone. 'What happened to your thigh?' he read. He looked up to you and you were looking all innocent, concentrating on your computer.

'None of your business. Stop thinking about my thigh and get to work.' he answered, and regretted it immediately. Was he flirting with you through texts? God, Tobias was going to give him a matching wound on the other side.

'Can't help it. Is it a big or small scar? Where is it exactly?'

Were you flirting back? Alden's head was exploding. What kind of woman were you to do something like this? And why couldn't stop himself from answering.

'Want me to show you?'

'Bet.'

It was official, Alden Parker was going to hell. But he was happy cause he knew he would take you with him.

It wasn't a Tobias Fornell free day. He showed up in the afternoon to check on the team and the case. Alden agreed for him to have an update, which you happily gave him. Tim and Nick were out of the office to interrogate your other suspect, and Jess was in the lab, checking things with Kasie. So, Tobias simply grabbed a chair and settled next to you. Alden felt extremely uncomfortable, especially when he noticed how your behavior towards his friend was the same. Like there hasn't been some speakable texts between you two earlier. He felt bad for Tobias. The man has been through so much over the years and now this.

At some point, Alden couldn't take it anymore so he excused himself and walked away. Almost immediately, Tobias kissed your cheek and said he'd be right back. "Fornell, don't do whatever I feel like you're gonna do!" You exclaimed.

"I love you." He mouthed and disappeared at the same corner Alden did. You sighed and your heart started to race.

When Alden saw Tobias coming in the bathroom, he expected to be punch soon enough. Should he prepared himself to duck or should he let Fornell hit him? After all, he did deserve that punch and maybe more. But Tobias was smiling.

"You okay, Fornell?"

"Are you?"

"I-huh? Yeah?"

"How long are you going to beat around the bush, Parker?"

"Um, what? What are you talking about?"

"I know that Gibbs had the rule 12 about dating a coworker. And Y/N learned the job through his rules, but come on. This one has been broken many times, even by Gibbs himself."

"Look Tobias, I'm sorry, okay? I know I shouldn't be interested your girlfriend, and it'll go away. I promise you, nothing--" Alden stopped when he heard a laugh coming from Tobias.

"Wait, you think she's my girl?"

"She's not?" Alden exclaimed, a bit to intensely.

"Okay, let's go get a coffee."

In the breakroom, they sat at a table, cups of coffee in front of them. "I'm gonna be honest, if my life has been different and if I was significantly younger, she would have a ring around her finger and I'd have kicked your ass." Tobias started.

"Fair enough."

"My relationship with her is--special, to say the least. A while ago, she named us 'platonic soulmates' and I guess it fits." Alden nodded. "And if you want to date her, you're gonna have to be okay with that."

"Obviously." Alden chuckled. "Clearly if she had to choose, it'd be you." He took a sip of his coffee. "But even though I'm slightly younger than you, I'm still much older than her."

"And does it seem like something she would mind?" Alden shook his head no after a few seconds. "Look man, you will not be able to help a better partner than her. We're talking about someone who moved in with me after my daughter passed away to support me. She even used her vacation time for that. She handled everything for me, even though she was hurt too cause she knew Emily for almost ten years. I literally had to move her out of my place, and honestly, I only did after she told she had a crush on you."

Alden was extremely moved by what he was hearing. He knew you were someone very special, someone who would give and do everything for the ones she loves, but this was another level. It made him fall for you even more.

"I don't even know what to say." He answered honestly.

"She deserves to be happy and loved. And as much as I love her, it's a different kind of love. Not the kind of love, I know you can give her."

Alden stayed silent. "However, if you just want to hook up cause she's insanely hot, find someone else."

"That's not the kind of man I am."

"I believe you. But never forget that I still have a gun, and you saw me use it a few times."

The case finally came to an end, and you were all very happy and relieved. Alden has been distant from you since his conversation with Tobias and T refused to tell you what they talked about. It was driving you crazy, and even making you feel uncomfortable whenever your team leader was around. What did he know? What did he think?

After coming back from the lab to the bullpen, you were surprised to see everyone was gone except for Alden, who was still typing at his computer. "Where's everyone?" You asked, avoiding looking at him.

"I sent them home."

"Oh, okay."

You started to work on your paperwork again before Alden spoke up again. "You can go too. Tobias is probably waiting for you."

This time, you did look at Alden who was still focus on his screen. "Wait, what do you think my relationship with Toby is exactly?"

Alden finally stopped typing and looked up to you. "What is your relationship with Tobias exactly?" He asked.

You sighed. This was taking you back a few years back when the guy you were dating was getting jealous of Tobias, accusing you of having an affair with him, being in love with him. And you hated that. "Like I said, if you have a problem with--" Alden stood up from his chair and walked over to your desk. He leaned against it, his body fairly close to you.

"I don't have any problem with it. It's obvious that if I want to have you, I need to accept him."

You looked at him, all lost and confused. "Wait--what? What do you--? What?"

Chuckling, Alden crotched down and made you chair spin so you were facing him. "Would you allow me to take you on a date? I've got Tobias's permission." He said with a huge smile.

You stayed silent for a moment, mouth opened. "Are you serious, right now?"

He stood up just enough so that he could grab your chin and gently pressed his lips against the corner of your mouth. You melted under his touch. "Very serious."

"Will you show me your thigh and tell me the story?" You whispered making him laugh.

[albertasunrise]

Oops Baby - Juggling Act

Masterlist

Summary: Being best friends with Frankie meant movie nights, drinks with the guys and a shoulder to cry on when you got your hear broken. He is head over heels for you but you don’t feel the same… yet a drunken mistake will tie your lives together forever!

Relationships: Frankie Morales x Reader

Warnings: Like AO3 I choose to give none. Read at own risk. 18+ (So... I know this took a while. Just been so unmotivated lately so been struggling to write. Hopefully with this is worth the wait. I'll be introducing a new plot twist this chapter to look out for that 🙊)

Series Masterlist - Part 1

Two months had passed since you'd told Frankie that you were pregnant. He had been a little slow to forgive what had happened that night. You had hurt him. Taken advantage of his attraction to you and it was something that you'd never forgive yourself for.

The rest of the group had also been slow to forgive your transgressions. You hurt one of them. You hurt all of them. But as the weeks went by, you did your best to prove to all of them how truly sorry you were.

Ben had been your biggest supporter.

"So how are things?" Ben asked as he sipped at his black coffee "You and Frankie getting on better?"

"They're better." You replied as you placed your mug on its saucer "He's been helping me with a few things. Started looking at prams and cribs."

"That's positive." Ben gave you a warm smile as he leaned over to give your hand a friendly squeeze.

"Yeah." You conceded, nodding as you fiddled with the rim of your drink.

"But?" Ben pushed and you looked at him like a deer in headlights.

"But?"

"There's clearly something that you're not telling me." The blonde scoffed and you let out a long sigh as you leaned back in your chair and rubbed your bump.

"He uh… Well, he suggested that he move in with me after the baby was born." You stated, "To help with the baby and stuff."

"So?"

"So… What if his feelings for me start to cause issues?" You questioned "I want to have feelings for him… I mean he's what every woman dreams of but I dunno… Just don't feel the same way he does." You finished with a shrug.

"Frankie's a big boy." Ben chuckled as he downed the last of his coffee and motioned for the waitress to top him up "I'm sure he can handle himself."

"I guess." You replied, sighing as you leaned forward to take another sip of your own beverage "Just don't want to lose him again."

"Then don't fuck him again." Ben snorted and you glared at him as you flipped him off.

"Smart ass."

…

Frankie opened your front door with the key you'd had cut for him as he carefully balanced the takeout. He noted you were nowhere to be seen when he stepped inside so he called out to you whilst placing the takeout down on the table.

"In here." You replied from your office.

Frank placed the last container down before going in search of you. He could hear commotion coming from inside the spare room you had turned into an office a few years back so pushed the door open to you dismantling furniture.

"What the hell are you doing?" Frankie shrieked as he stepped further into the room.

"I wanted to get a head start on the nursery." You replied with a shrug.

"So you thought you would start dismantling heavy furniture on your own?" He growled, grabbing your attention.

"I'm pregnant Frankie… Not disabled."

"You shouldn't be doing this sort of thing on your own." He snapped "What if you hurt fell?"

"Frankie-"

"I'm just… I don't want you to do stuff that will risk the baby."

"Why would I risk the baby?" You scoffed and Frankie practically growled your name out as he replied.

"I get you are used to living alone and being independent but you are four months pregnant with our baby." He continued "If you would just read that book I got, you'd know that you shouldn't be lifting heavy shit like furniture."

You felt a pang of guilt at this statement. You deliberately ignored the book Frank had gifted you. You thought he was just being a know it all but now, seeing how he was pleading for you to listen to him, you realised that he was just trying to help.

"You're right." You sighed as you pushed yourself to your feet "I'm sorry."

"I got us take-out." He stated, changing the subject and you practically growled in delight.

"Thank god… I'm starved." Sprinted to the table, sighing in delight at the smells that greeted you.

"Got you your favourite." He piped up as he pushed the container towards you with some cutlery resting on top.

"Thank you, Frank."

The two of you then sat and ate as you showed each other different ideas for the nursery. You had found an all-in-one crib, the changing station at the end with drawers beneath it and the crib. Frankie showed you a chair he could that he felt would be great for you when you breastfed and a few dials he liked also.

"Helicopters?" You chuckled "What if we have a girl?"

"What… Girls can't like them too?"

You rolled your eyes at his statement but grinned when he stuck his tongue out at you in response. You loved how things were finally starting to ment. That you were starting to get the old Francisco back.

"You thought any more about me moving in here for a bit when the baby's born?" He asked between mouthfuls.

"I have." You replied simply.

"And?"

"And I just had one concern." Frank's brows pulled together in confusion as he looked up at you.

"Which is?"

"You have feelings for me Frankie." He went to say something but you stopped him in his tracks " I just… I don't want things to get weird between us."

"It won't be a problem." Frankie replied as he awkwardly scratched the back of his neck.

"How can you be sure?"

"Because I'm seeing someone." He replied plainly.

"Oh." You replied, a little shocked at his this news affected you.

"Yeah, I uh… Well, I met her a few days after you told us about the baby." He elaborated as a love-sick smile filled his features "I uh… Well, I didn't tell anyone cus it's still new but… Well, things are starting to get a little more serious so-"

"And she's okay with you moving in with the random chick you knocked up?" You scoff.

"She knows the situation and respects the fact I want to be involved… Want to help… Also, you're not some random chick!"

"How heroic." You grumbled, taking Frank by surprise.

"What?"

"Sorry… Nothing, just the hormones." You grumbled, trying to swallow past the lump in your throat.

"Are you jealous?" Frankie scoffed and you snorted.

"No, I'm not." You snapped "Just surprised you started dating when you're expecting a baby is all."

"Well, it's not like anything's ever going to happen between us." He stated as he forked more food into his mouth "I need to move on so that's what I'm doing."

"Right…" You trailed off, feeling tears sting at your eyes as you finished the last of your food in silence.

When the plates were washed and cleared away, you answered Frank's question. You knew you were going to need help when the baby came.

"Yes." You said as you opened the door for him as he went to leave "I would appreciate it if you moved in for a bit after the baby comes."

"Great." Frankie replied as he beamed at you and kissed your cheek "It's gonna be great."

You watched him practically skip to his truck. Your fingers touched where he'd kissed you just moments before. You were so confused by these feelings you were suddenly feeling for a man that four months ago, you'd slept with and rejected. You blamed the hormones.

You couldn't suddenly have developed feelings for him surely?

…

In the month that followed that evening, you and Frankie managed to clear out the office and start to paint it ready for the baby. You had your 20-month scan and after endless arm twisting and puppy-dog eyes from Frank, you agreed to learn the sex.

You were laying on the examination table, staring at the ceiling as the examiner prepped the machine for the procedure. You weren't exactly sure why you were so nervous. The baby had been active all morning, much to your chagrin and everything had been perfect on your last scan. Yet you couldn't help but worry that something might pop up.

"So, we ready to see how baby's getting on?" The doctor asked as she squeezed the gel onto your swollen tummy.

"Definitely!" Frankie replied. He was practically vibrating with excitement.

The doctor got to work looking for your little miracle. Finding them quickly and turning the screen so that you and Frankie could see the life you'd created together.

"Looking good mummy and daddy." Said the doctor sweetly as she grinned at you both "Did we want to learn the sex today?"

"Yes." Frank rushed out and you smirked at him, knowing how desperately he wanted to know.

"Let's have a look then." She said as she started to move the probe around, taking measurements as she went.

"Please be a girl. Please be a girl. Please be a girl." Frankie uttered under his breath, his hands enveloping yours as he stared at the screen awaiting the verdict.

"Well. She's measuring perfectly." The examiner stated and your heads shot up like Meerkats.

"She?" You asked and the doctor nodded.

"It's a girl?" Frankie squeaked and the doctor grinned.

"I can say with 90 per cent certainty that you are having a healthy baby girl."

Frankie choked back the sob that threatened to escape him at the news that he was going to have a daughter. He'd hoped from the moment that you'd told him you were pregnant that it was going to be a girl and his wish had been granted.

"Happy?" You asked, pulling his attention away from the screen and to you.

"Elated."

The doctor printed some pictures for you and sent you on your way with more tips for the last leg of your pregnancy. Frankie couldn't stop staring at the pictures as you left the building and made your way back to his truck, narrowly missing a lampost as he walked.

"Eye's up Morales." You teased as you guided the man to the car.

"I just… Just look at her." He gushed. His eyes were the size of saucers as he studied the pictures in his hands.

You smiled as you walked up beside him, resting your head on his arm as you both admired the pictures together. She was so clear. Her hands waving in front of her and her legs kicking. The first scan had been emotional but this one had just brought it all into focus. In four more months, you were going to be a mum.

"Can't wait to show everyone at the bar tonight." Frank said, pulling you from your thoughts "Ben's going to be stoked."

After a few more moments of wonderous staring, Frank finally helped you clamber into the car before getting in himself. You had loved the fact your appointment had fallen on drinks night so when you had suggested to Frankie that you surprise them with the news that night, he'd leapt at the chance. You had come up with a plan for how you were going to tell them. You just needed to set it up when they were out of earshot.

Frank dropped you home before making his way back to work and so then, with the rest of the afternoon off, you started to put your plan in motion. Come 6 it was time to leave. All three of the boys had offered to pick you up but you had declined. Wasn't like you could drink anyway.

Arriving at the bar, you managed to avoid the Miller brother's gaze as you snuck over to Fish who was standing waiting for you. With a quick hug and a peck on the cheek, you relayed your plan to him, smiling when he then passed that onto the barman whose attention he shortly grabbed. Then, when everything was in place, you walked with Frank as he carried the tray of drinks over.

"Ahhhhhh, that's what we want." Ben cooed as he helped Frank unload the tray before pouring everyone a glass.

"Who's the extra glass for?" Will asked. Something you hadn't noticed until he had pointed it out.

"That would be for me." Piped up an unfamiliar voice and you turned your head to seek it who owned it.

The was a pretty woman. Medium height with dirty blonde waves and striking eyes. She smiled shyly at you all as Frankie stood to throw his arm around her shoulders.

"Everyone, I'd like you to meet Mary." He said proudly "Mary this is everyone." He chuckled "The blonde Labrador over there is Benny… The more reserved blonde there is Ironhead-"

"Will is fine." The older Miller interjected.

"And this lovely lady here is Titch." He finished with a smile.

You gave her a wave, trying your best to hide the turmoil you were feeling with a smile. At first glance, she seemed nice. A little on the shy side but pretty in a girl-next-door kinda way. She wasn't stick thin. On the curvier side but her dress sense did nothing but accentuate her best features in all the right ways.

"So this is mummy to be." She piped up and she held her hand out for you to shake "I'm so happy to meet you. Frankie's told me all about you."

"All good I hope?" You joked and she grinned and nodded.

"Of course."

"Here, sit with me, baby." He purred as he pulled a chair up next to him, smiling sweetly when she popped herself down and leaned in to kiss him.

"So why are we only meeting this lovely lady now?" Ben pushed, his eyes glancing at you and noting how uncomfortable you looked.

"Well, Frank wanted to make sure this was something serious before introducing me to you all." She teased "Y'all obviously very important to him."

"Damn right." Will piped up, grinning at the look he got from Fish.

The table erupted into twenty questions for the next half an hour. Everyone but yourself wanted to know everything there was to know about Mary. Glancing at his watch, Frank noted it was time so coughing to grab your attention, he changed the direction of the conversation.

"Well, I think Mary's had enough interrogating for one evening." He joked, noting that the barman was preparing their surprise "Don't you guys wanna know how the scan went."

"Oooooh!… I do I do I do!" Ben answered as he positively bounced in his chair "How was it? Everything okay?"

"Everything is perfect." You replied with a smile. Glad to be off the subject of Mary for a while.

"We actually have a little surprise for you all." Frank piped up when he spotted the barman walking towards them.

"What is it?" Will asked excitedly.

"Is it twins?"

"No, it's not twins." You chuckled "We would have known that months ago if it was."

"What is it then?"

"Special order for ya." Said the server as he placed three cocktails down on the table.

"There's gotta be a mistake." Ben started "We wouldn't order pink coc…" The younger Miller trailed off as he shared a look with his brother before looking up at you and Frank "Really?" He squeaked and you nodded.

"Someone mind clueing me in here?" Will piped up and you chuckled wetly.

"They're having a girl." Ben replied, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Shit, that's awesome!" Will cheered as he stood up to hug you both "Congratulations."

"This is great news baby." Mary cooed as she kissed Frankie sweetly "I knew that's what you wanted."

For some reason. The fact she knew he wanted a girl before you made you want to scream. This was supposed to be your journey to share with him. Yet you knew you had no right to be jealous of her.

Frank had offered himself to you and you had rejected him.

You didn't even feel like that for him.

"Ugh… This little princess is using my bladder as a trampoline." You pipped up as you pushed yourself to your feet "Back in a few."

With that, you made your momentary escape. Desperate to get away from the happy couple for a while. After relieving yourself, you snuck outside for a moment. Needing another few minutes before rejoining your party. You breathed in the crisp evening air and willed the tears that threatened to spill.

"Titch?"

Frankie's voice made you jump and your hand grasped your chest as you willed your heart to slow.

"Jesus Frank." You grumbled, "Nearly gave me a heart attack."

"Sorry." He replied, "You okay?"

"Mhmm." You nodded, not trusting yourself to speak.

"Titch… What's wrong."

"Nothing I just…" You sniffed as you tried to pull yourself together "I just wasn't expecting you to bring her tonight of all nights."

"Why are you crying?" You growled at his question, not wanting to answer it but knowing he wouldn't drop it if you didn't "Titch?"

"Seeing her with you hurts!" You growled "There! Ya, happy? Seeing you with her has made me sad and I don't understand why."

"Titch-"

"I just hate the idea of you being together… This is supposed to be our journey and then I learn that she knew you wanted a girl before I did and…"

"You had your chance to share this journey with me Titch." He stated plainly and you nodded, knocking the traitorous tears loose.

"I know that." You growled "I just… I don't understand what I'm feeling right now."

"Come inside." You nodded, following him in wordlessly and rejoining the rest of the party.

"Everything okay Titch?" Ben asked when he noticed your eyes were red.

"Yeah… Just these damn baby hormones getting the better of me." You chuckled, leaning into him in a way you hoped would be reassuring.

"Man, those steaks look incredible." Will piped up as he eyes the food that had been delivered to the table across from yours.

"Fuck I miss steak." Frankie grumbled.

"Can't have it at all?" Ben asked, his voice taking on a sympathetic tone.

"Doc said to avoid it. I guess a steak once in a while won't kill me." Fish shrugged "I guess that's what you get for fucking up your heart with drugs." He joked, trying to lighten the tone.

"We all turned to shitty methods to cope man." Will said, remembering his own poor choices after he'd gotten out "Maybe save the steak treat for your birthday though."

"Sounds like a plan!" Mary agreed and she wrapped her arm around his and pulled him close "Your heart may be delicate baby… but you aren't where it counts." She finished with a wink, grinning at the growl this elicited from her boyfriend.

"Gross." Ben groaned, earning himself the finger from the happy couple.

"I should get going." You said suddenly, rubbing your belly and feigning a yawn "Baby is draining me, body and soul."

"Awe." Ben pouted, earning a kiss on the cheek from you.

"Night everyone."

You said your goodbyes and left. Glad to escape. You didn't understand why seeing Frankie and Mary together hurt so much. You should be happy that he found someone. He deserved to be happy and yet you found you couldn't be.

Then it dawned on you as you put your car in park.

"I have feelings for Frank!"

Next

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[1rsoldiersince2012]

Bound by Law (Matt Murdock x Reader)

Words: 4082 (chapter 41)

41. Guilty Crimes

The return to Hell's Kitchen felt stepping into an active war zone. You felt guilt heavy on your chest like a rock for sleeping with Max. Well... Kind of. It was hard for you to evaluate the level of seriousness of the situation that you've put yourself in. You weren't sure of your relationship with Matt in the first place, so this shouldn't feel like cheating... Yet it felt like something even worse than that.

Stepping out of the taxi, you inhale fresh air and look at the building in front of you. Nelson and Murdock. Maybe you should've gone to visit Matt, but you returned late at night and went straight to bed, so who could blame you for that one? You didn't trust your own mind and what you could possibly say to him after your stay in LA. 

The stairs to the office felt longer than ever, and the locked doors of the office definitely didn't add any more glory to the whole situation. "What?" You rattle the knob again, yet the doors remain locked. "Obviously, right when I don't have the fucking key." You sigh to yourself, checking the time, just in case - 10 am. Before you could even decide what to do, your fingers were already dialing Matt. After a couple of seconds, he answers:

"Hello?"

"Yeah, hi." Suddenly it felt awkward to call him, "I'm near the office. It's locked." You exhale loudly, and Matt's interest spikes up, "Where are you guys? Well, Foggy... Or Karen... I understand that you're at home... Resting." Matt's silence made you stutter and blabber nonsense, and you finally stop, waiting for an answer.

"Yeah, I'm home. You don't have a key?"

"No."

"I'll give you mine." Matt replies nonchalantly, causing you to furrow your eyebrows.

"Do you need anything? I can stop by the store."

"No, thanks." He says and ends the call, weirdly enough not very talkative.

*** 

On your way to Matt's flat, you're so lost in your head that you almost bump into a woman at the beginning of the stairs. "Oh, sorry." She says and you shoot her a distracted smile, but then you recognize her-

Or at least you think you do, but she definitely recognizes you from the hospital, and hurries away before you can say anything to her. The voice was so familiar to the one you've heard while you were unconscious from the poisoned champagne. You knock on Matt's door, holding a bag in your left hand. He opens a minute later, an unreadable expression on his face, and the sight of him - broke and hurt - pains you so much that you drop your bag on the floor, quickly embracing him. "Oh my God, Matt." You try to pull away to take a better look at his injuries, but Matt buries his face in the crook of your neck, squeezing you close to him, despite the stinging pain in his chest. You pull away again, this time freeing yourself from his hands and gently touching his face. "Matt... I'm sorry I didn't come earlier... Sorry I left for LA instead, fuck, I should've been here... Why were you not in hospital? When did this happen? I mean... Foggy didn't say much but-"

Matt shuts your blabbering with a kiss, closing the door with his free hand and then pulls away, resting his forehead on your shoulder. "Sorry." He mumbles, inhaling your calming scent, then drifts away again, heading out of the corridor. "The key is somewhere on the table."

You shrug off your coat and grab the bag off the floor, hurrying after Matt into the living room. "I know you said you don't need anything but I stopped by the store and bought some fruits." You say, almost feeling guilty because you didn't listen to him.

"You didn't have to."

"But I wanted to." You finally step into the open space and look at all the bandages and other stuff scattered on the table.

Matt takes a seat on the couch, toying with the zipper of his grey hoodie. "Excuse the mess, my... Friend just left, she uh... Works in the hospital."

"Her name's Claire, right?"

"Yeah, did you two talk?"

"No." You put the bag with fruits on the kitchen counter and then start collecting the papers and other medical stuff related trash from the table, "I believe that she was my nurse."

"What? When?"

"Friday. And Saturday. When I was in the hospital." You continue tidying Matt's space when he stops you by grabbing your wrist.

"What happened? Are you okay?" He gently pulls you next to him, tightly holding your hand.

"Foggy didn't tell?"

"Didn't have much contact with him." Matt falls silent, wanting the ground to swallow him whole.

"I-" you free yourself from his grasp and let out an unexpected sob, quickly covering your eyes. It didn't happen when you were in LA, so of course, it had to happen when you were with Matt. You hated yourself for this now, but it wasn't on purpose, no, the only person who you were comfortable crying next to was Pug. And now it felt as if you made a victim out of yourself when it was Matt who sat next to you bandaged and broken. "Please don't be angry at me. I don't know what was I thinking." You don't look at Matt, but continue, "I went to Fisk's gala on Friday. With Wesley." You close your eyes, trying to stop the tears from escaping, "someone wanted to poison someone in the party. I don't know who, Foggy told me that a lot of people were in the hospital... It was the champagne. I got into argument with Wesley and then drank the whole glass in one and then I remember only waking up in the hospital." You take a deep breath and feel Matt put his hand on your back.

"Why did you go?"

"He..." You didn't want to tell Matt this, you didn't want to destroy what you had with your dumb decisions. "Wanted me to back off the case. Elena's case. He tried to scare me away, threatened to bring my dad into the whole thing, said that if I continue digging, I'll pay for it. And gave me no choice but to go to his stupid party in a week... Then he shows up on the TV saying how sorry he is for Elena's death with Wesley beside him." You talked anyway, finally turning to look at Matt. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you any of this, but he had me in a corner..."

"What happened at the party?" Matt's hand still firmly rests on your back, encouraging you to talk.

"James told me that Fisk wants me to work for him. I got angry and the rest is history. Sorry I didn't come to visit when Foggy told me about your accident... I flew to LA, just wanted to clear my head from all the things... But I still couldn't think of why would Fisk need me." You sigh in defeat.

"Hey, hey, it's okay now." Matt gently takes your face in his hands, wiping your hot tears away. He was angry, with you, with himself. You should've told him everything before attending the party. Maybe everything would've been different. Maybe he wouldn't have been sitting here in this state, maybe he would still be friends with Foggy... Maybe you would've been well and not poisoned. Maybe. But he didn't let this anger get the best of him, not now. "How are you out of the hospital and how did the doctors let you fly all this way to LA?"

"Foggy didn't tell?"

"No... We're not really on good terms now." Matt sighs, shoulders slumping forward. His hands drop from your face on your knee.

"I felt better... And I kind of escaped. Because I knew that it was full of Fisk's people. I felt like shit on the flight, but it's always been like this so..." You take a look at Matt, his face obviously full of disappointment. "I could ask you the same thing. What happened? What car accident?"

His face gets paler, if that was even possible. "I uh... The cab that I took... Someone crashed into us, mostly in my side, but it's just bruised that's all. I... Got a nurse to change bandages...but now she's leaving town so I'll have to do it myself." Matt recalls the talk he had with Claire just half an hour ago.

"I can come in the evening. My dad taught me. Had to change his bandages once, when mom was at work. I think I can manage with little blood." You remember how you fainted when Benowitz's bullet grazed your arm, but in a calm environment you could make yourself get over it.

"I think you should rest. And don't go to work."

"Who's gonna help the clients? Foggy and Karen are not in the office." You look at the table, itching to clear it as soon as you can.

"Maybe we should stop the business..."

"Matt, just because you and Foggy are not on good terms as you said, doesn't mean that I want to rot at home, especially now."

"Y/n..." He sighs again, stopping you from getting up. His left hand rests on your cheek and he brings your face close to his, kissing you. Even if his kisses were breath-taking, you were familiar with the game that Matt was playing, and it involved stopping you from getting to the office.

"Hey, hey," you pull away, although very reluctantly, "eat your fruits and I'll see you in the evening." You take the remaining papers off the table and unstick yourself from his touch. Matt pouts like a child, and stands up as well.

"You know that you're not obliged to come."

"Yeah, but I want to." You throw the trash into the bin and grab the office key from the table. Matt meets you in the corridor.  "If you want me here, of course." God, why was everything so difficult now?

"Well, I'm not gonna kick you out if you come. I don't mind your company."

He wanted to fuck you tonight. It was as clear as the sun in the sky. You smile, stopping in front of him and fixing the front of his hair, "If you didn't kiss me like that before, I'd say that I'm not very welcome here."

You wanted to be fucked tonight. The pull towards him was too obvious. Matt knew that. He touches your cheek, wiping the dried tears, "come on, don't let them see you cry," and gently pecks your lips, ignoring the previous comment.

You clear your throat, "yeah, so... See you later."

"Yeah, bye." He says, closing the door when you step out.

***

"Hello?" You pick up your phone and answer to an unknown number.

"Hello, is this y/n y/l/n? The lawyer?"

"Yes... Who's calling?"

"Michael Teneke." The man answers and waits for you to say something.

"I'm sorry, but that doesn't ring a bell... Wait." You finally drop your case papers and get into the conversation fully, "Teneke as in Kelly v Michael divorce case?"

"Yeah," he laughs slightly, which reminds you of a snake hissing in the bush, "the same one."

"Uh, but this is my personal number. How'd you get it?"

"Kelly gave it to me."

"Kelly?" You don't hide your surprise because the split between the two was nasty.

"Yeah, we're kind of... Back together."

"Oh." You lean back in your chair slightly, tapping a stack of papers with your pen. Sitting on Matt's side of the table really gave advantage of seeing the lobby clearly. "Wow, well, congratulations?"

"Y/n, I have something I want to discuss with you. Can we meet somewhere today?" He hesitates, "or whenever you're available."

"Discuss what?"

"I... Need some legal advice. You're still in Hogarth, Chao and Benowitz?"

You furrow your eyebrows in thought, "No, I'm working somewhere else now. I'm free today after lunch, uh, Nelson and Murdock office. Williamsburg, 363 South 4th Street. There's no sign on the building though." You remember pulling it out of trash just an hour ago. Now it was clear why Foggy didn't tell Matt anything about you - they were in a serious fight.

"Good. You're gonna be alone in the office? This is a private matter."

"I will make sure that we're alone, Mr Teneke. See you later then."

"Yeah, thanks." He hangs up almost immediately.

You look at the empty office again and scoff to yourself. "Sure, Mike, I'll kick everyone out of the office, no, Mike, don't worry, no one even came to work." You say in a mocking tone to yourself and then drop your phone and pen on the table, taking a moment to evaluate the already shitty situation of the office. "Yeah, Pug, work is fantastic, you should swing by to help me. Jesus, am I going insane already?" Your monologue accompanies the cleaning of your table and making a cup of fresh coffee. In case you need any more caffeine to flow in your veins.

***

"This will involve feds." You lean closer to him, then move back to your previous state, "I don't fuck with feds. They pick out every bone in your body."

"You owe me one." He argues, hands spread on your side of the table, sudden motivation in his voice changes him completely.

"What?"

"You owe me one. Now it's time to pay."

"Since when do I owe you? Owe you what?" You ask in disbelief.

"A favor." He asserts you, then hesitates  upon noticing a frown on your face. "You said that after the last court that we were together. I hurried back home and you said-"

"I owe you one." You say, recalling the scene in your head now, "it was about dinner, Mike, not favor. You got paid a shit ton of money, and I got a fair share too, so I wanted to buy you dinner."

"Well, now I want to change that into a favor."

"No."

"Come on, y/n-"

"No, Mike."

"Okay then, is the dinner still in consid-"

"Nope. That's a new favor, and now you owe me one."

"But isn't it a legal deal with my counselor?" Michael fires back, thinking that he did something impressive.

"Yes, this is legal. But you also owe me a favor. Or dinner. I like that Mexican place around the corner."

"Look, I know I fucked up bad, and with feds on my ass it will be impossible to get away clean-"

"You're goddamn right, you're not getting away clean, even if you hire the best lawyer in the states." You cut him off.

"But I came here because I know that you can at least lessen my punishment or argue a better deal. For a reasonable price."

"I'm sorry, did you just say that you want a 'cheaper justice' and I'm the perfect candidate?"

"Yes."

You scoff. "I had to deal with feds once in my whole career and it was nasty. You're gonna have to offer more if you want me to defend you or get a better deal." You cross your arms.

"Okay. But if I call you, you must come. No excuses." He finally gives up, exhaling loudly.

"Stay put and don't make a scene. But if you do, don't expect much from me when the feds have you in a corner. Understood?"

"Yeah, yeah, now give me those damn papers to sign."

"With your attitude, mister, I have a feeling that we'll meet soon." You say, watching the man crack a smile.

"I like you, too bad Kelly was first to reach out."

"Don't act as if you wanted us to win against you." You give him papers and he quickly signs them. "Don't say anything without a lawyer now, Mr Teneke, and you'll be good for a while."

"See you, y/l/n." He shakes your hand and leaves the office in deafening silence once again.

***

"I'm sorry, what is the FBI doing here?" You ask, although just hours ago you were talking with Michael Teneke about the possible FBI involvement. You quickly walk down the corridor, heels ringing loudly in the almost empty space. Couple of men with black windbreakers and letters"FBI" on their backs, turn around and look at you, before one of them tries to get close to Michael. You slide in between the men and stand with your head held up high in front of Michael, facing the tall man. "Nuh-uh," you gently shake your head and make distance between the two of you, Michael steps back, watching the scene unfold from behind your back.

"Miss, let us do our job." The man tries to gently push you to the side but you don't move an inch.

"Mr Tenene has a legal right to have a counselor, just like every citizen in the United States." You don't bother smiling since the FBI always tends to fuck up the cases that they take.

"Miss...?" The man begins, indicating his question with a raised eyebrow.

"Y/l/n. Nelson and Murdock law firm."

He extends his hand, very uncharacteristically for people like him, "Special Agent Poindexter." You firmly shake it but let go quickly so he wouldn't try to push you away again. "We have every right to take Mr Teneke to a holding cell."

"I believe that me and my client can have a word. Without your supervision."

Dex clenches his jaw, visibly and easily annoyed and his partner steps beside him, "yes, you may but don't go further than the end of this corridor. We still have to see you. For safety reasons." He says politely and you almost roll your eyes. Safety reasons.

"This man did nothing  for me to not feel safe with him." You say and turn around, walking back the same corridor you came, your hand gently pushing Michael by his shoulder. When you get away from the earshot of the agents, you almost hold the urge to start shouting at him. "What the hell where you thinking? You know that they'll tear you apart like a chicken wing in that interrogation room!" You whisper-shout at the man, before taking a look at the agents - Poindexter standing with crossed arms at the end of the corridor and looking right at you. You feel rather uncomfortable with the intensity of his gaze, but continue nonetheless, "God, I told you hours ago to not fuck up."

"I tried to, but my boss found out and called feds on me!"

"Jesus Christ... Well, you're gonna have to stay in the holding cell overnight, because I can't do much today for you."

"I know, but you told me to call you if anything happens."

"Good. At least you did one good thing. I give you no guarantee that you're going to be okay, because feds are unpredictable. Just try to stay the night and I'll come in the morning to participate in your interrogation. Keep your mouth shut until then, alright?"

"I can do that." He says, and you turn around to see Agent Poindexter coming your way.

"Come on, wrap it up."

"So generous, Agent," you say sarcastically. "Are you appointed to this case?"

He looks at you, eyes glinting, "Perhaps you'll find out during the interrogation, Miss y/l/n." He smiles, cheekbones pushing themselves up front, and his jawline becomes more visible. "I have a feeling that Mr Teneke will not participate without his lawyer."

"I guess you'll have to find out yourself. If anything happens to my client while he's kept in a holding cell, you are in big trouble, Agent."

Dex smiles again, turning his head to the side, eyes dancing on your face, your hair pulled in a tight ponytail, your whole attire and your silk blouse hidden underneath the dark blue jacket. "Have good evening, Miss." He pulls Michael by his elbow towards the exit, sparing you one last glance. The remaining agents follow him outside, all avoiding your eyes, except for one - the one who let you talk to Mike in the first place. He was rather a handsome man, in his early 40s, or maybe late 30s, with distinct indian-like features. He looks at you apologetically, as if trying to excuse his partner's behavior.

You leave the building, stopping by your car to watch them put Mike into a black FBI van, with Dex closing the doors and turning back to look at you, smile not leaving his face. Worse than FBI agents were happy FBI agents. You fucking hated FBI.

***

The quicker he's thrusting into you, the more dissociated you feel from this place. Sweat running down your whole body makes your hair stick to your forehead and sheets to your back, his light grey silk sheets, Matt's hot and strong hands pushing into your thigh is what keeps you in this moment. Red cheeks and spots on your body match the one's that Matt has. He lets out another grunt, not slowing down the merciless pace.

You tried to protest it, hoped to change Matt's mind and let him rest, but he's been persistent. And truth to be told, who could resist him so desperate and so needy, especially after the day you've had?

If Matt wasn't fucking your brains out, literally, you'd be worried about his stitches and bandages, but the only thing you could focus on was his body hovering above you, hands trapping your head, his bruised, warm fingers slipping between yours, and holding tightly; his lips touching your neck, not kissing, just resting, breathing hot air on your burning skin. Matt's movements suddenly become slower, he's pulling out almost completely, then pushing back all the way, and your hips involuntary jump at this action. He smiles, too proud of himself for getting that reaction from you, and kisses you again, muffling your moans for a little while. 

It wasn't just a simple hook-up. He was making love to you. You knew the difference now. This wasn't the rushed and slightly awkward first-time hook-up, no, he knew what he was doing, too well. He knew that even a simple gesture like holding your hands, letting your nail dig into his skin was a subconscious, yet a move full of confirmation and reassurance. Your orgasm comes crashing onto you like a freight train, completely knocking your breath out, and in the haze of your high, you feel Matt's chest rumble with a guttural moan, something pulled from the depths of his body and he cums too, inside of you - his condom - and collapses beside you, catching his beath. 

You wished to stay in this post-orgasm state for the rest of your life, lying next to Matt, with your elbows touching in the middle of his bed. After a while, you start to feel cold and it sobers you up. "So yeah... I landed a pretty big case but it's with feds and they're not gonna go easy." You chuckle, finishing your answer to Matt's 'how was your day?' question that got interrupted very unexpectedly  by what resulted in your current position.

Matt gently touches your face, putting a strand of hair behind your ear, "see, don't let them see you cry... Don't show them that they hurt you." His face softens in the purple light from the huge screens outside the window, and you feel like you're making a big mistake - falling in love. "You can show them what you can, feds are only doing their job. But so are you. And if I know one thing..." He hovers over you, then grabs your hand and kisses your knuckles, "you're one goddamn good lawyer."

You glance at his abdomen, "Well, this very good lawyer needs to change your bandages."

He completely forgot about that, but now he actually felt blood slowly seeping into the bandage, coloring it with Matt's dark red blood. "Shower first?" He tries, and surprisingly easy, you agree with his idea. 

"I'm going for a smoke, if you don't mind." You say, savouring the feeling of his gentle touch on your face. 

"Sure, just open the window." With a quick peck on your lips, he's out of the bed, and you can't help yourself, only smile while getting up to grab your cigarettes. You were fucking in love. 

[atopearth]

Ikemen Villains Part 1 - William Rex Route

I've been curious about this game! I have to say though, I'm not really into the art style hahaha but that's fine, I felt similarly to Ikemen Prince when I first played it but I like it now lol. I'm not sure how to feel about the premise right now but it's nice to see that the heroine isn't as stressed as the other games and has more freedom?😆 I chose William so let's see how it goes~ For now, he's not very much like a villain especially with how considerate he is towards the heroine taking her to the theatre she wanted to go to and stuff like that, but as he says, villains don't go around killing people 24/7 lol. It was obvious that William was being purposely annoying to the heroine to give her an opportunity to talk to the writer she admires but lol, this guy really isn't much of a villain with how nice he is all the time haha. I think it's interesting how they hire maids who are deaf because this ensures they can't overhear things and tell others. Our villains definitely aren't really villains at all with how gentle and kind they actually are. But one thing I liked about William asking the heroine to talk about how scared she really was, was that he was always respectful and wanted her to slowly speak for herself. I guess it's sweet because you know that he has the power to command people to speak even if they don't want to but he wouldn't do that to her.

I guess one thing I agree with William is that just because you can't save everyone doesn't mean you should kill a part of yourself because of it. But it's difficult to not take in that pain and empathise sometimes and that inevitably hurts the kindest people. I understand the heroine's guilt though, because the easiest way is to ignore people's pain as if you don't see them so you can continue to focus on your own life and live happily. It's strong of the heroine to want to face the things she's ignored and to try and start with saving this one girl. I guess she is influencing William to an extent but I feel like he's never really been a villain so he's understandably prepared to save those victims of the butterfly group. I feel bad for William that his father was involved with the Golden Butterfly and even killed someone he wished to see live freely right in front of him. But I guess the worst was him having to accept such evil and use his powers to kill his own father to stop all this. I think it's kinda cute to see them develop their relationship so smoothly and gently, but at the same time, I can't really feel it haha. I do feel the heroine's curiosity towards William though. Well, I definitely didn't expect them to sleep together already! Surprisingly though, they're more cute than I thought especially with how gentle and teasing William was towards the heroine.

I think it's actually kind of sad how the heroine loves his sense of justice to commit evil because he can't stand seeing the innocent be trampled upon, but at the same time after witnessing his crimes right in front of her face, it's still difficult for her to stomach, especially when he crucified that guy. Considering the lack of presence of the other guys in this route, it was actually pretty sweet to see how concerned Ellis and Liam were towards the heroine after she fainted. Even though it's obvious that none of the guys would think to die a peaceful death, there was something solemn and saddening when thinking about William thinking he doesn't deserve any sort of happiness and shouldn't desire for things because of the way he's chosen to live his life. Cutting your hair to show your resolve always works haha, but yeah I can see why the reporter would be shocked to see the heroine do that when he believed that she was brainwashed by William. I feel bad for William that these guys are torturing the people he saved and trying to brainwash them into thinking William is evil so they can use them against him.

I think it's sad to watch William let himself be judged as a villain to free the people he saved, but seeing the heroine cover him when someone tried to stab him was even worse. Everything was resolved quite amicably especially with Bryan's article on the "truth". I have to say though, considering Bryan has no sprite, he had a pretty nice role in this story as someone who did what he thought was right and was not swayed by words but instead what he judged to be "right" and stuck to his beliefs. Honestly though, even though William is the LI here, I've actually got a soft spot for Liam instead because you can see how much he cares for the heroine. I wonder if it's something we should be prepared for, that if you choose to do "evil" in order to protect the people you care about from other evil people, that you need to acknowledge that things that are precious to you will be taken away because of those actions? Not only has the innocent little girl who was looking forward to becoming a florist hurt by stray bullets from Grimsley who was afraid of William coming for him, but now the heroine has also been held at gun point when she chose to go with him to make sure he doesn't be reckless. Lol, so I'm too poor and don't have enough coins but I do have enough gems🥲 Guess I can see whether the premium story is worth it😅 I guess it's twisted but a love where you love them so much that losing them is such a tragedy and drives you mad is a love that is worth striving for haha.

Overall, I'm not too sure how much I like this game for now. Personally, I think the premise isn't as interesting as I thought it would be and I also feel like the heroine's role is rather purposeless compared to other Ikemen games but maybe it's just me haha. Anyway, what I enjoyed about William is that his route explores the idea of sacrificing oneself to preserve the peace of others and giving them the freedom to choose the path they want to tread and to do what they choose to do, which is exactly the opposite of what his powers do, but I guess it's because of these powers that he understands how terrible it is to not have that control over yourself and your own life. However, I feel the romance was rather bland. I'm not sure if I could really feel how and why they liked each other even though I do acknowledge that William was interested in the heroine for the way she chose to live her life. But otherwise, I didn't think they really matched imo haha! I ended up really liking Liam though so I'll be looking forward to his route next!

[toiadeenovels]

The Conversation Pt 2

18+ Minors DNI

AHEM....dang now I'm trying to catch my breathe and clear my throat. I was not expecting baby girl to come out the bag on me like that. Wow I never thought that's what be going through her mind. I'm tryna take my time with this situation cause it's delicate. I BEEN feeling her for the longest of times. But never really took it anywhere because my best girl had been hurt and was just living her life, and me I had me a good thang. Sweetness is my best-friend though we hang tight she have me doing shit I would' ve never thought about doing before. I always find myself laughing more because of her goofy like behavior. Like right now sitting up in the frozen yogurt place and she looking like a whole good ass time and was trying to keep myself to myself but now shit. Now I gotta talk to my wife about some real shit cause she done swung the door wide open. It makes no since but I should have listened to my baby's sixth sense. See my wife she told me... yeah, she warned me that my best friend had a thing for me. She always said that "it was just a matter of time" before she blows up and spilled the contents of her and and the need of her pussy all in front of me like I'm at Golden Corral buffet.

I know that she is awaiting a response from me but it seems like I'm stuck. I can't articulate any of my feelings into coherent words so I just stare for like a good minute. I'm making her nervous, I can tell by they way she starts to fidget. I had hoped that this situation would never come because I'm a man and I get super weak when it comes to babygirl. I know this and my wife knows this. I guess that why she always said. "When the time comes bring her home and let's talk." When she said that to me I was floored I'm like let's talk, let's talk about what? But I never received an answer. Damn come on think faster... say something she looking like she trying to gather her stuff getting up to leave. Sweetness.. babygirl hold up wait don't leave like that. Let's go get in the car at least I tell her trying to give myself a few more minutes to think of how I should go from here. Getting in the car my mind has started to process everything that she said and I'm realizing that I honestly don't know which way to go. I mean damn I got a lot of love for Sweetness. We sitting here in this car and she saying she regret it and shouldn't have said nothing. My wife happens to call while she saying what she...

"Hey Ma" I say as I answer the phone "Hey baby, can you stop by Mama's Damn Good Chicken for me and order the Finger-lickin platter for me. Oh and tell your bestie I said Hey." "That's all you want babe?" I ask as I looked to right making sure babygirl ain't hit the switch to get out the car. "Yeah thats it." She answered with a chuckle. 'I just know you better get your own platter, because if you don't, you might lose a finger." I laugh in response say goodbye and hang up the phone.

I knew the time had come for me to say something so I'm sad to say I panicked and asked "Sweetness, what do you want me to say. I'm mean for real. You avalanched me with all your thoughts and feelings and I'm feeling at a lost here." I could see the tears glistening in her eyes. As she stared at me and answered "I wasn't expecting anything I was just being stupid and (she mirthlessly laugh) purely selfish. I don't even know why I even opened my mouth." Suddenly before she could say another word I reach for her and pulled her into my lap and kissed her. Realizing what happening she adjust her body til she is straddled on my lap as she began to make love to my lips. The kiss is hot and wet. Our tongues deeper into each other tasting and sample the forbidden flavor of each other. Like thunder crashing loudly her phone vibrates and rings causing us to break away and look at each other. In our faces there is not guilt nor shame just acknowledgement that what this is... it's real and we might be fucked.

[foggyparadisecandy]

Since you asked, therapy is going well. Oh please don't bother to read this - it's so ... non-horny and awful.

Yes - I am very intelligent and observant. And yes - I shouldn't diminish the fact that I saw and stepped over my ex's trauma.

I am valid in saying I saw these things - it's not some monday morning quarterbacking where I can look over the past perfectly. I HAVE THE LOGS - I CAN SEE WHAT SHE WROTE AND WHAT I WROTE. I SAW IT AND WALKED PAST THEM!!!!! I'm not imagining shit.

But ... I'm not a trained trauma specialist. I had NO idea how to address it. I was uncomfortable. My responses show that clearly ... I felt awkward and nervous and scared for her.

I had already told her (I was her daddy - I told her and she did stuff) to see a therapist. She *had* tried two separate therapists because I prompted her. I wasn't trying to fix her stuff without a specialist.

She just had the misfortune of getting two really awful therapists. Just ... awful. We ran out of runway to find a third when she hit her trauma point.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have said "find a trauma specialist" and "reach out to dozens of them so you get in sooner - don't wait MONTHS to see someone."

Ugh. I can own that I saw what I saw. But I can also let go of the guilt. And ... yeah ... working on it. Working on it.

And yeah ... she should have spoke up more. She should have asked for help. Yeah ... she was not used to a supporting and caring person. I scared her with my love sometimes. She was uncomfortable with it. I get that. I do I do I do.

But fuck. She is so capable. She had choices on how to respond.

It's done, it's done, it's done. No point in spiraling again.

She's gone, she's gone, she's gone.

Anyhoooooo therapy is going well. lol

This might sound foolish to some of you but I asked the therapist to explain boundaries to me. I am smart. I read a lot. I've read up on them because so many kind people have said during this dark period "Foggy, you need better boundaries."

I literally have no idea how to navigate or set up a boundary. It's why I forgive so easily. I mean ... yeah ... techically if you shit on me the same way multiple times, I *will* cut you out of my life. Forgive you, yes, but also cut you out.

She asked me "and have you ever actually cut someone out of your life that way?" lol ... rude question. Dear reader, I'm sure you can guess my answer.

She then asked, "why is it you find it so hard to put up boundaries to protect yourself? Are you afraid of hurting them?"

No. That's not it. "It's because if I do that, i won't be there when they need me."

Just like my fucking mom needed me when I was a kid. To keep her insanity in check. To keep from burning our house down (figuratively ... and ... literally threatened to do).

So yeah ... no fucking wonder I have no boundaries.

I wasn't taught anything better.

What a shit show to find out your life is just full of stupid shit because of shit that happened when you were a little kid.

Oh well. Whatever, I guess.

The good news is "Foggy, it's ok. You see it now. Now we can build off your knowledge and set up reasonable boundaries for your future self. You can do this."

Ok Doc. I forgive you for being so real and pointing out my weaknesses.

Fuck that girl for abandoning me though. I love her. I forgive her. I hope she's ok but ... fuck her for slicing my heart and soul into pieces.

I didn't deserve any of that shit. BARE MINIMUM FUCKING LET ME KNOW YOU ARE DOING OK SO I CAN HAVE SOME PEACE OF MIND. God. I took great care of her.

She doesn't owe me anything ... I guess that's so. And what a shitty world we live in where we don't owe anything to people who care deeply about us.

[whumpshaped]

Mamihlapinatapei for SPK

Mamihlapinatapei - The look between two people in which each loves the other but is too afraid to make the first move.

tw mentions of some kinky violence, past trauma, guilt, self-deprecation, but mostly fluff

It had been months since they'd met. El felt like it had been years. Maybe forever. Not knowing Am felt no less than a lifetime away from their current reality, and not seeing him multiple times a week felt like it'd be the end of the world.

They weren't supposed to feel this way at all, though. Am was just doing his job. Even their friendship was something... unprofessional, something that made El worry that they were messing things up. And now, on top of that, what were they supposed to do with love?

Not to mention, it felt like betrayal. Like they'd just moved on, way too soon, way too easily. Like anyone could ever replace Seth. Like they wanted a replacement, like Am was nothing but that, like it was fair to even compare two people like that, especially when they were so vastly different-

They bit their lip and tapped their pen against the desk. The journal page in front of them had nothing but half-finished sentences and messy doodles, crossed out hearts and new, so far unharmed ones that seemed to mock them. They weren't a teenager anymore to draw stupid hearts around their secret crush's name in a journal.

What were they even doing? Who would even want such a messed up, ruined, immature thing like them? Why were they doing this to themself - to Am? He was just doing his job.

They closed the notebook and got up from the chair when they heard the front door open and close. It was probably him, given that they'd made plans for around this time. They had thought about cancelling, about slowly pulling away until their relationship was purely professional again, and they didn't need to worry about crossing unspoken boundaries that'd result in Am cutting them off entirely. But they didn't. Because selfishly, they wanted to see him again, and they wanted to spend unprofessional, unstructured time with him.

When they got to the living room, Am turned around to greet them with a delighted smile, one that made El's heart skip a beat. "Hey! I was wondering if I was too early, but I see you're all dolled up already."

"Ah..." They looked down at their clothes self-consciously, suddenly nervous that they'd overdone it. They just wanted to look okay. Or maybe it was the make-up, maybe they shouldn't have put anything on their face. "I, uh..."

"You look gorgeous, darling," Bellamy said gently, probably sensing the insecurity.

"Yeah!" Am agreed quickly. "Sorry if that was a weird way to put it. You look amazing."

El looked back up at him, praying that they weren't blushing. If they had to guess, though, they probably were. "Thank you."

"Did you do your make-up yourself? Can I see?" He pushed himself away from the counter, walking over with apparently every intention of getting a closer look at the paint job. However when El didn't respond, he stopped in his tracks, probably about to apologise or something. Because he did that. He actually cared about whether he was moving too quickly, or making them uncomfortable.

"Sure," they said hastily, happy to see the relief on Am's face. "I'm, I'm not very good at it. It's probably better from a distance. Bellamy usually helps me with this stuff..."

Am was soon way closer than they were prepared or ready for, and it was stupid, because he had fed from them before, and he had made them lick his shoes clean, and he had drawn blood from their back with a whip- but he wasn't doing any of that now. He was gently tilting their head up towards the light source, and he looked so amazed by their absolutely amateur handiwork. They closed their eyes so he'd be able to see the colours of their eyeshadow, and because they couldn't bear the weight of being... admired, almost.

"You keep underselling yourself," he said softly. "You did such a great job. And it really suits you."

"Does it?" they asked out of habit, mostly just to say something. They opened their eyes to an expression so utterly fond that they could hardly comprehend it. Am's hand was still on their chin, and he was so close, looking at them like they were something worthy, something wanted, and they even held their breath for a long moment.

But then he let go, stepping away with an uncharacteristically... flustered smile on his face. "Yeah, sure does." The entire movement was somehow awkward, the way he quickly shoved his hands in his pockets and nodded towards the front door. "We don't wanna be late." He glanced at Bellamy for reassurance, and honestly, he wasn't alone in that. El was looking at him too, incredibly confused about what had just gone down, and why Am was suddenly acting so unlike his usual, confident and casual self.

Bellamy glanced at both of them with something El could only interpret as lighthearted disappointment, before sighing a little. "I suppose not," he said with a slight chuckle.

"Great. Then I'm gonna, y'know-" Am took a couple steps towards the door, gesturing vaguely. "Start the car and all that. Yeah."

A moment later, El found themself alone with Bellamy, and they could only blink at him in surprise. "Did I do something?" they asked with a hint of worry in their voice.

"On the contrary, dear. I'm afraid neither of you are doing anything."

~

taglist: @whumpsday @whump-queen @lost-in-labradorite-halls @hidden-dreamland @lonesome--hunter @melancholy-in-the-morning @the-scrapegoat

[deathsbestgirl]

so some of my medical history:

lyme disease when i was 10

mono right after (one kid i was never near in the county had it)

a weird ass contagious skin disease that was very contagious so i couldn't go to school (easily treatable) that no one else in the county had

diagnosed with a type of arthritis when i was 15 (the "treatment" didn't help)

i've had 4 surgeries for cysts (ganglion cysts both wrists, left side lypoma, cholestiatoma in my left ear)

tubes in my ears 3 times

2 surgeries to replace the bone in my left ear (i'm HOH)

MRSA my freshman year of college (not allowed at school)

junior year? i started getting treated for chronic lyme (controversial) was on multiple antibiotics for 4 years, went gluten free, no sugar, very little caffeine, got cdif (colitis) (almost died) had to stop that route. tried chinese medicine (garlic & herbs) was taking chlorophyll with too much copper, got copper poisoning & almost died (when my dad was first diagnosed with cancer no less) stopped that course too. (also did a whole miserable diet that i can't even talk about bc i really like food & that also almost killed me bc i didn't want to eat ever)

did acupuncture for years, that was the MOST helpful. she improved my period, helped make my diet tolerable, improved my pain & migraines by leagues, etc etc

pretty sure i have pots, maybe eds but i haven't tried to get diagnosed because ... i hate doctors with a burning passion. my biggest problem now is fainting & allergies lol and liquid iv & compression socks have actually made the biggest difference. used to survive on gatorade & pedialyte. and i need to go back to acupuncture

i'm always in pain (muscles, joints literally all of them) but you learn to live with it. and my very helpful doctors told me to ignore that pain when i was 15 & said fatigue was normal. so um. yeah

i feel like i've buried most of the memories, like they were years ago at this point but they feel like another life sometimes.

it's so isolating and if i didn't have two really good friends at home when i left college, i don't know how i would have made it. they would come over basically everyday and we'd watch tv & hang out, they'd make sure i ate & help me clean etc etc (i had the downstairs apartment if my parents house most of the time and *thankfully* my family was always helpful & understanding, my mom fought so hard for me) my mom & my friends could tell how i was feeling without my having to saying a word about it.

it absolutely kills me every time i read about what others deal with when they have chronic illnesses because that just. is not how anyone should be treated when they're sick & in pain. i remember being 15 and the whole world telling me "you can't be sick all the time" like literally yes you can you dumb fucks. again, thankfully i had some great teachers who made so many allowances for me (letting someone leave class early with me because i couldn't walk or carry my stuff but i had no aids or plan with the school. sometimes teachers that weren't even mine let a friend leave their class. one teacher didn't make me read a tale of two cities because i missed the whole unit) i had another friend going through hell. she has crohn's disease and she almost went blind and it took a long time for her to get diagnosed too.

one of those days i'm just mad at the world. this post doesn't really have any purpose other than to say listen to disabled people, especially the ones in your life. and if you can help them then you should. it's isolating & exhausting & painful in so many ways. people shouldn't lose friends because of their health. they shouldn't be guilted because of their health. health isn't an achievement, it isn't something you can control even if you do everything you possibly can. some things we just have to live with.

[letsplayballet]

alright, losing my mind about october 3rd in my persona 5 royal replay in 3, 2, 1, go!

first off, this whole thing SUCKS. hearing the vice principle talk about a dead girl and her grieving sister as "wastes of effort" is so infuriating i don't have the words. why is this school the absolute worst (but also why isn't is further out of the realm of possibility)

but onto the important bits that i missed my first run through:

starting off strong is this tasty piece of dialogue, bc that's the problem, isn't it? sumire *isn't* kasumi, even when she thinks she is. she's still anxious and unsure, still unsatisfied with herself to the point of having significant mental health issues (though sumire-as-kasumi is headed towards perfection-seeking overworked burnout, instead of her more typical major depression).

side note: the fact that maruki insists she's better off like this really shows that he thinks about pain and trauma very... shallowly? i guess would be the word? it's very surface level, instant gratification stuff. is she less actively suicidal? yeah! is she actually better? of course not! bc she is *still sumire* and still has those thought patterns and instincts that lead her to that mindset, but instead of having the tools to deal with those thoughts in a healthy manner she has an "i'm happy and perfect :)" mask that she feels she has to live up to. repression isn't healing. maruki do your fucking job challenge.

anyway.

so we get the keywords from her pep talk and a random couple, get sucked into the palace, and hunt her down to find her confronting what you THINK is her dead sister your first run, but is pretty obviously sumire herself on repeat plays:

this dialogue didn't make a lot of sense to me my first run, to the point i forgot it was there, but DAMN does it hit this time. her guilt over her sister's death, her complete inability to face it, is VERY apparent. sumire gets so upset over seeing maruki's cognitive version of her, and you really get the impression that she's not even sure *why* she's so upset. sure, it's her dead "sister", but we've already seen her brush that off pretty easily the first time we went to odiba. and given the headache she gets right after, it's pretty clear the real sumire is close to breaking out of the kasumi mask.

and when the shadow attacks the cognitive sumire, she goes down easy.

which is indicative of something maruki says in the third semester: that he thinks sumire is TOO WEAK to handle her own trauma. that the only way she can live at all, much less happily, is by being someone else entirely. that sumire *doesn't even deserve a chance to try*.

... this is NOT the post for my rant about maruki's god complex and how it undermines any "help" he's supposedly trying to offer, but these images are here just so you know it exists

luckily, sumire is able to fight back:

and i do think this is elements of the actual sumire coming through! i'm not sure if sumire's idealized version of kasumi would be fazed enough by criticism to get angry about it. and we know their promise to each other about gymnastics is important to sumire, especially as the only sister left to fill it. if i'm remembering her third semester confidant stuff right, it seems to be one of the few totally positive memories she has of her sister, even with how much pain constantly being compared to kasumi in gymnastics has brought her.

and these pieces of sumire breaking through the brainwashing are probably why she's able to awaken to a persona, even though she literally has no idea who she actually is (and thus shouldn't be able to confront her true self and get one). ESPECIALLY since her persona references the fact that she's not herself!

i did not manage to grab "if those really are the shoes you've chosen..." but that also applies, as does the fact that her hair comes down for her transformation (the way sumire wears it, instead of kasumi's ponytail) but is put back up by the end.

this got, uh. long. but the point is i love her dearly and maruki can go fuck himself.

[mazuwii]

Can you just imagine, you have this miraculous, once in a blue moon day off from work which gives you the time to go out with Reiner for a bit. You don't do anything too fancy, because for you both, you tend to enjoy the mundane little things like taking strolls and simply enjoying the talk that happens along the way. Now imagine that in one of these walks, you stop by a small flower patch that puts you in awe. Bending down and gesturing for Reiner to come take a look too. You tell him about the ones you know of, he sees how fond you are of them. So, he tries to pick one, but you smack his hand away lightly, telling him that he shouldn't pluck them so readily. "Reiner, don't. They'd wilt so quickly," you tell him. "See, aren't they beautiful like this?" you left the question for him, not expecting him to answer. Thinking about what you said, he thinks about it. Knowing you liked them, he wonders.

The next few days when you're away for work (give or take a week due to having to move to different areas) he goes to the local florist to learn about all sorts of plants and flowers. Studies up on them. Surely, even he can raise plants. How hard could it be? Apparently, it was pretty hard. Making sure the soil was right? To him, everything looked like the right soil. But as he learns, it's not. He'd do some weeding too. Make sure nothing stunts the growth of the seeds he purchased. He tilled a good portion of the backyard, a good chunk to grow a flower bed, the rest for some other crops. He was doing this, right? Might as well go all the way.

When you return, he's excited. Takes your hand, leads you to a surprise. The surprise being a clean backyard, primmed and sowed with different flower-bearing and fruit-bearing crop. You noticed the little scrapes on his hands and fingers, noticing by touch that they seemed to have grown a bit more calloused. But he looked contented, and so proud of himself. "What sparked this on? Were you that bored while I was away?" You asked him, jokingly.

"What, you just got home and it's already an interrogation? Not even gonna praise me for my hard work, huh?" He taunts in return. He's at the point where he can be cheeky with you from time to time. "But more importantly, you like them, don't you?" He doesn't even wait for you to answer, he just leans in after pulling you close, giving your temple a quick peck. "Don't stay out too long, dinner's almost ready." And he'd walk back in, leaving you there, and you're kind of stunned, really. To think he'd do something like this for you. And to be honest, you just haven't seen it yet. But he also has one more surprise for you. By the bedside window, on the table. A small potted plant with the flowers that you were so keen on raving to him about. He had purchased one that already had a spike/budling; and had been taking care of it, albeit clumsily at first. Because you liked them rooted where they can thrive. He no longer feels compelled to give you store-bought flowers that would wilt in days. Instead, he'll give you ones that'll grow and continue to flourish so long as the love for it exists.

No but imagine you and Rei have a small argument and when you go to sit by the flowers in guilt you realise their posture is slightly slumped. It’s almost as if they beckoned you to go to your sulking blonde man and fix this mess up.

(Me with this green witch stuff never ends)

But Reiner being good with gardening honestly makes so much sense, he’s taken lives with his hands and to be able to create life using those same rough palms eases the guilt up even just a bit.

And yeah it takes so much time, and sometimes he may cut himself using the tools but it’s all worth it when the garden bursts into different colours. The only downside being that you show more attention to the garden than you do to him 🤣🤣🤣

Also SIDENOTE, my father was a gardener and this was practically a huge part of the good side of my childhood, but do you guys know those really boring gardening shows? With the slow and British accent explaining historical gardens and different flowers and bla bla bla ???

Yeah just think about watching something at night and Reiner pulls up this British gardening show- you don’t mind all that much but you slowly drift off against him and he holds you close whilst the TV’s noise slowly muffles and drifts away with your consciousness

Just take in the presence, his scruff atop your head, his warm big hand resting on your shoulder, slow breath- JUST DUS HE ISHEJEIWHWHW I KNOW ITS ANNOYING OF ME TO DO THIS BUT HES JUST SO FATHERLY ?!?

[fayeelikefairie]

♫⋆｡♪ ₊˚♬ ﾟ.the start of bright star episode:7!♫⋆｡♪ ₊˚♬ ﾟ.

𝗡𝗼𝘄 𝗽𝗹𝗮𝘆𝗶𝗻𝗴:

"Softness and understanding"

01:57 ━━━━●───── 02:55

◁ㅤ ❚❚ ㅤ▷ ㅤㅤ↻

TW:Mentions of not eating,self harming behaviors,crying,cigarettes,neglect,the normal brightst☆r stuff,mentions of calories

Akira walked home,80s music playing in her headphones as she walked the small distance to her mother's apartment. Guilt filled her as she thought about things,the music being drowned out by her thoughts. "Why am I like this? It's just a cheesecake slice? Im so stupid. I probably concerned one of them." She thought as she opened the apartment building door going up the stairs and unlocking her mother and aunts apartment,and entering. With a pet greeting to her cat, Mimi she held him "awww!! Did you wait for mee?" She said petting the cat who purred "awww so sweett!" She put the cat down. Hearing her phone buzz she took it out of her pocket,seeing it was Sora she was confused.

Why did Sora care? What would Sora need from her? She went to her room,awnsering. "Hey Sora! Ya need something?" She asked,smiling.

♫⋆｡♪ ₊˚♬ ﾟ. Sora felt worry in her heart as she heard Akiras voice "uhm...yeah." she said,trying to sound stotic as always "are you alright? You look sick as hell." She heard Akira let out a deep breath "yep,just.. uh.. tired.." she said with a shaky voice,Like was about to cry. "You sure? You sure you don't have any problems? You seemed nervous about eating,is something up with that?" Sora asked,her worry becoming more and more obvious. Akira felt annoyed,why did she even care "i..I said I'm fine,don't fucking worry about it." She said. Sora heard the sadness in her voice,the tears. "I'm not gonna sit here and let my friend just hurt themselves!" Sora yelled at the phone "I know we only know eachother through tutoring,but talk to me. Please." She begged.

Akira let out a sniffle,a sign she was crying. Sora frowned she hated yelling and doing that to her friends but she needed to make her point. "Y..you . W..why will you tell anyone?..." Sora sighed, a concerned one,not annoyed "nope. I promise you." Akira took a deep breath "o..okay but if you tell.someone.. just.. please dont." Akira begged with a tearful voice. "Hey,hey calm down,okay.. I wont,just tell me.." Akira took another deep breath "okay... uh.. I don't like myself,I don't like my grades,or my brain... I don't wanna eat,I don't Wanna be okay.. food has so much c.." she stopped,Sora listened. "I.. understand in a way.. I don't like food either,. It has to much,I agree. But we shouldn't be counting it. That's harmful,and it'll fucking kill you or hosphospitalize you. You don't deserve that Akira."

Sora said,genuinely "i.. " Akira just cried over the phone. "Let me help you out.. I've been where your at. It sucks. I know it does,and you never wanna get better. But If you wanna live past 16 you have to. You have dreams don't you" Akira replied, "y..yeah to be in a band.. to be famous.." Sora hummed In response. "If you want to be able to do that you have to get better. In all honesty.. I have that dream to,.. we can work to that dream together,yeah?" Sora tried to assure her. Akira let out a small,soft,shaky "y..yeah.. hey.. can you stay on call with me.. I'm sorry if it's all to much.. i..I understa-" Sora replied with "im okay with that. Your not okay and in a right mindset right now. Let's change the topic to something more bright,okay?" Akira said "o..okay uh.. favorite show,honestly.." she let out a soft laugh.

"Promise not to laugh at me?" Sora asked,embarrassment in her tone, Akira hummed in response "mhm.." Sora laughed a little "okay.. okay.. Magical mayaki.." Akira felt herself smile,she gasped "you know that show!? Oh my gosh! I love that show so much!"

[biblicalhorror]

Leighton was polite in asking to take the photo down though? It was escalated because Alicia was dismissive in wanting to take it down thinking it not a big deal. Even if taking it down wasn't because a person is closeted or they just wanted to keep private by not having post of their stuff or themselves on social media, the considerate thing would of been to take it off out of respect for your partner.

And I have been in a position of dating a Leighton, so yeah there a bit of bias on my part. For me it would be naive to think your ex won't see that blast especially with the intention of all caps and siren emojis, that was extra and immature. Go ahead and heal and prioritize yourself, but she didn't needed to kick a person down who's already laying on the floor crying.

The closeted girl I dated I told her we were in different stages of our lives but I hope you find people to help you out of the closet one day. Really no sense in escalating her guilt and fear, making her the bad person who's pushing you back in the closet. That just petty and unnecessary, compounding your own problems on to someone who clearly hurting on their own. I thought maybe since Alicia was part of the women center she would of been more tactful in her approach of a closeted person? But I guess that is difficult when your feelings are involved. So maybe in season 3 they can re-address the closet situation and see Alicia's growth.

Tatum and Alicia were both beneficial and also a lesson for Leighton in the lesbian dating world. All inwhich would lead her to date Willow in the end because she's the best lesbian in Essex (kidding.. well not really Willow is the best :P).

No, I absolutely agree! I'm really hoping they show us more of how Alicia has grown and matured as well, rather than making it solely something that Leighton needed to get past. There were definitely better ways to handle it and I think the show has done a good job overall with showing both of these characters' real flaws and insecurities through their actions.

We can agree to disagree on how tactfully Leighton handled the bag situation. Maybe I'm biased because I can't be arsed to keep track of what designer bags look like, but like. It's a bag. It shouldn't have been that big of a deal. Lots of people have those bags, especially at a school like Essex, and it's unlikely someone following Alicia on Instagram would have 1) known what kind of bag it was and 2) connected that to Leighton specifically and 3) cared enough about the people involved to try and spread it around. It makes sense that it would FEEL like a big deal to Leighton, who is putting all of this pressure on herself to hide and not take one tiny step out of the closet for her own protection. But I also get why someone coming at you with all of this urgency and anxiety about a bag being in the background of your selfie would feel less about them and more about you, especially when that person has been snobby and elitist since you've known them and very much makes it known they don't want to be seen with you. Unfortunately, the photo scene didn't happen in a vacuum, and I'm sure Leighton's classism and internalized homophobia had already chipped away a bit at Alicia's self esteem before anything blew up. It wasn't solely about her being closeted.

Because Leighton wasn't JUST ashamed of Alicia because they were dating. Alicia represented the "type" of gay person she had been taught to avoid in her conservative upbringing: loud, brash, confrontational, "unrefined" (read: poor), nonwhite, etc. That's why she ultimately needed to date someone like Tatum to figure out that she doesn't need to bargain away her true desires by dating exactly the type of girl her parents would be most okay with her ending up with. She likes that Alicia pushes her to grow, and I think Leighton does the same for Alicia as well, even if we havent gotten to see that quite as intimately as we have with the main cast. If Alicia wants to affect change, she needs to be okay with holding herself back sometimes and showing more grace in tense situations, which is something Leighton obviously excels at. I hope we see more of them growing together and learning from each other.

And yes 100% agree that Willow is the best, lol. I personally think she's too chill and laid back for Leighton, but I could be persuaded. I'm really hoping we get a full-fledged arc of some kind for her next season. I also hope we get to see Whitney REALLY kiss a girl one of these days 🤞

[everything-i-couldnt-tell-u]

arveil and i are supposed to be each other's halves, we should've basically been one same person. i should be able to say that i am him but i'm sure he wouldn't agree. im sure he and everyone else would agree that i'm not him, i'll never be him. i know they'd say im too different from arveil, and arveil would always prefer to exist separately from me.

i wish i could be treated and considered just like him but it's impossible. arveil can make other people happy while all i do is get mad. there's so many things about him that are lovable while i don't even love myself. he can do so many things and im just someone who's mentally disabled.

i've tired myself enough, forcing you to love me when i shouldn't be. i should have never pressured you into listening and doing things for me. maybe it's not that your responses are dry, maybe the stuff i say are just all empty in the first place. i've got nothing to yap about anyway except for the past i constantly cry about? im sick of myself too. maybe i was unaware that i've just been acting like the victim and i've been guilt tripping you so much? the way i'd snap at you when you'd love arveil for what he can do, the way i'd say you probably only love him for those and not for who he is? i realized today too that i'm just really jealous cause unlike him i can't do anything. cause if you liked him for the things he can do while i have no capabilities, doesn't that mean that you can't like me the same way? yeah maybe the truth is that i'm just really insecure, too paranoid, too much.

maybe i am really just some usavable animal that mom said i am? the things i've been doing to you is the same way i act with mom. i doubt everything she says and does, i blow up at everything, i treat her with so much resentment. mom would say she loves me then i'd push her away cause i feel like it's only arveil she's concerned about. i'm too complicated and i always say she isn't doing enough for me even after everything. she'd try doing things to make it up to me, but it doesn't seem to make things better. isn't it the same with you? haven't i just been wasting your time cause until now i still can't get myself to trust you? i don't know what to do cause i feel like you guys are trying to make it up to me just to get arveil back. i feel like everyone wants me to heal just so that my negative ass will be gone and they can have fun with arveil again.

mom and my siblings are scared of me when i front. they've been avoiding saying and doing anything to trigger me, which should be a good thing, but it makes me sad. cause if i'll never be triggered, then will i get no more chance to front? will it only be arveil fronting now and taking all the love?

finding out you feel scared of me felt weird to me, it even felt comforting? cause there's no where else to go now that i've actually become what my bpd said i am. now that i look like the wild uncontrollable animal that's impossible to love, there's nothing more for my bpd to scare me with. i feel like you'd avoid me a lot now that arveil went dormant, but the thought of it feels better. reaching the lowest point of this and forcing myself to accpet you'll never love me is easier than trying to hope you'll love me only for my bpd to keep scaring me. this is not what i want but i have no choice.

bpd makes it feel like it's better to stay alone since the love i'll feel isn't worth the amount of anxiety i'd have to deal with. it's my fault in the first place for ever thinking someone could love me. i'll go back to where i belong. i'll try my best to stop bothering you and asking for love like a shameless bitch. i'll go back and accept that i'll probably live my entire life being jealous of him but i can't do anything about it. i shouldn't be ruining his life, i should've kept myself hidden. i won't try to front unless anyone needs me to so that it won’t be ruined for my alters. im tired of being so dramatic when i should've just stayed locked up inside

[the-dream-beyond]

Episode 19: The Easier Way to Get What You Want with Christine Meyer

Christine Meyer 

It's irrelevant that you've become and evolved and expanded as a result of your life experience. But doesn't matter. Really, in your you're not. You're a combination of all of that, for sure. But in your now is where you get to decide who you want to continue to become.

Nik Tarascio 

Today's episode is about this question that many of us have of how do we see this moment? How do we see where we are is perfect and still want more, and still want to go do something to find that motivation to make something else happen? I think it's a question that I suffer with constantly. It's part of the reason why I think I've been addicted to my life feeling so hard. I think so many of us do. We anchor to this idea that it's, it's gotta be hard. It can't be that easy. There's no way it could be that easy. So today, we're going to talk with one of our prior guests, someone who spoke a lot about desire and want, and how do we still want more for ourselves and see where we are as perfect? How do we give ourselves that grace? And how do we focus more on where we actually want to go? Hope you enjoy.

Welcome to the dream beyond. I'm your host, Nik Tarascio. I'm a CEO, musician and overall seeker of Truth, inspiration, and simply put, how to live the most fulfilling life possible. Growing up surrounded by extremely wealthy and successful people gave me unique and unfiltered perspectives of those who have seemingly made it through on the dream beyond we're letting you in on what it really takes to achieve your dreams. What happens when it turns out your destination isn't the promised land you are expecting and how to process the lessons from your past while mapping of course to true fulfillment. Let's get started.

Hey, everybody, I'm here with our first time repeat guest. She's an executive life coach, author of keep it simple, smarty pants stop overthinking, start aligning and live happy. Her clients include many recognizable names. She's also a sought after podcast guest and founding member and regular contributor to the Forbes coaches Council. Please welcome my friend Christine Meyer. Welcome back, Christine.

Christine Meyer 

Thanks for having me. Again, this is going to be a really fun conversation, I'm sure.

Nik Tarascio 

Absolutely. And I'm excited to just mentioned part of the reason I really wanted you to come back is that I heard from quite a few people after our last episode. And it seems this conversation that really struck a nerve for quite a few, besides my dad saying that, like it's rare that someone Sykes me out, and I just go into silence. I think what other people are really latched on to Yeah, thank you. Thank you for humbling me. But yeah, I think what what people really latched on to was this idea of what affected me so much to is this idea of wanting, I think I asked you, how do you sit with the discomfort of being in want? And we started, you started backing me with? Well, it shouldn't be uncomfortable, and why is it and starting to tease apart that desire has so much other stuff? laid into it for many people because of either conditioning of like, what are you ungrateful? Or you're not ungrateful what for what you have? So there's this guilt and the shame that comes along with that feeling of warmth and desire of wanting more.

And, yeah, I just I really appreciated the conversation. And clearly a bunch of other people were moved by it as well. And I decided for today, I just really want to follow where the wind blows on this one, I really wanted to take it from that space. So hopefully, you go with, you know, just us following down that path deeper into desire into want into balancing the shadow with the wanting more, on some level, like it's and the reason why I say that, as I think maybe the place to go is I've really struggled with this idea of I want to make myself better, I want to improve, I want to read all the self help books more and more and more and more and more and more, I need to be better. And I think the thing that was reflected back to me over the last few months is can I start from the place of I'm enough and still want more for myself? How do I do that? Because it feels like it's a or b either I'm enough and I do nothing or I'm not enough and I go out and try to change myself.

Christine Meyer 

Right? And that that is the fear isn't it? Then if I can be enough or if I can be happy with where I am? Or if I can be satisfied with where I am then how will I ever reach for more? How will I ever I'm just going to end up sitting right here in the same condition, same place, same space for the rest of my life. But that is a misunderstanding of how the universe responds to you that is a misunderstanding of how you do move forward into more because we are designed to want more. Why? Because we are expanding beings and the universe is expanding as well. So when you can find a way to be right where you are and understand that you're not broken and don't need to be fixed with right where you are being right where you are and desire more without that being a bad thing. and wanting different, perhaps some improvements, but also being satisfied and on your way to more knowing that there's the inevitability of the more coming for you, unless you block it with your beliefs.

Because typically, that's where we stop, the improvements that we want is through the beliefs that we have the expectations that we have, then that is a beautiful state of being as you can move forward in that satisfied and wanting more satisfied and understanding you're always evolving status satisfied and understanding You're never done. Because if you were complete, then well, you'd be done. Yeah, to put it bluntly, yes. Where we we as human beings, it would be helpful to all of us, if we could make peace with the idea that we are never done. That while we stand in a place on our way to more, there's nothing went wrong with where we're standing. Because right now prepares us for what's coming next, always. And that we're never standing in a wrong place. We're never, we're never, we're never standing in a wrong place, we're always on our way to more. And so to want more and be excited about more, is a beautiful place to be, and to, to not have something and to say oh good something to want.

If we could all come to that acceptance of understanding that we will always want more and be happy about wanting more, we will all be much more joyful in the process of becoming in our journey of life. Because we're we're, we're in being more becoming way more than we are complete. Because truly, we are not complete for very long before we want more and complete I'm using in a different way than I meant it earlier, meaning I've achieved, achieved something that I set out to achieve, I'm done or got that thing. Well, I'm done. But from there, that's a new vantage point from which to want because you build a new house with certain number of closets or certain size, and maybe you discover you want it to be smaller or larger or more closets, you see your with every choice you make with every evolution that you have with all of the expansion that you experience, it clarifies more. When you have one meal, you're not done eating forever, you're going to want another meal,

Nik Tarascio 

I still struggle with this concept. I mean, these points are all valid, right? Like rationally I'm grasping what you're saying, the place that I go to, and this is something I've been reflecting on a lot lately is if evolution works properly, if it truly the system works, our next generations will always be a little bit more evolved than we are, they're always be a little bit better. Which means that like, I've come to the space of like thinking back to my grandparents and my parents and always being like, Man, oh man, why didn't they know what I know today? And it's like, well, if evolution is working, I'm going to be I'm going to have a leg up on them, I'm always going to be a step ahead of them.

Let's go even more meta. In my own life. I don't think I've ever looked back on my past and say considering I was x, x years old at that time, I did a pretty good job. I'm always comparing myself to where I am today. And so I always look back on the past with like, Man, I wish I knew what I knew today, or that was really stupid from this place of knowing what I know. Now that was kind of a dumb move that was pretty ignorant. And so it's like there's almost a shaming of what was there was not I don't feel an appreciation for the fact that it's like actually, if I'm better off than my parents, then that means they did something right.

Yeah, yeah,

Nik Tarascio 

I look at it as if I'm better than I was 10 years ago, that means it's working. But I don't think of it that way. I think of myself 10 years ago is when I when I reflect back and I'm like what a bonehead compared to who I am today. Like I did a lot of dumb stuff.

Christine Meyer 

Well, isn't that all part of your own clarifying process though? And doesn't mean that because does it? Okay, so maybe a more blunt example is when a baby is born and doesn't know how to walk is that mean? There's dumb or stupid?

Nik Tarascio 

Can't get well, rationally? Russia? No, it's not. And that's, that's the thing that's so interesting.

Christine Meyer 

You have a habit, then you have a habit of judging yourself, you have a habit of thinking that you should have known better you have a habit of believing that you should be in a different place than you were or you are perhaps and and can you come to just when you notice that you're doing those things? Can you come to just say, wait a minute, there's that thing I do? There's a thing I do because you're repeatedly doing it. And you're repeatedly beating yourself up for not being someplace else. But isn't isn't, don't you when you pick up a coloring pencil? Isn't it understandable? And yes, I'm appealing to your logic and and if you can stop arguing for limitation here, you might come with me.

Like poking at you. I know you do. So isn't it? I'm experiencing a coloring pencil for the first time in my life. As I look at it and I see that it's called Perform, don't I have to try and experiment? I don't know what the what the crayon, the Pape coloring pencils going to do until I put it to the paper. And then and then as I do that, then I can discover more. And then I discovered there's more colors. Is it wrong for me having to start having started with one colored pencil and discovering that there was shading and they were whatever, whatever. Right? So. So again, you might have to appeal to your logic in this case, because because what you're what you're buying into, is the idea that you're never you're never going to be in the right place, then you're perpetually never going to be in the right place. Is there a wrong place?

No, I don't believe so. Is does where you stand when you were a baby and all through your years? And now? Does does each moment of your life and experience of your life inform you? Yes. Does it clarify some things yes. clarifies what you want, clarifies what you don't want. clarifies who you want to be, clarifies who you who you didn't like yourself being in that moment, perhaps, that you want to be different from so life is is is a game and life is information and feedback to you about who you want to continue to become. But there's no judgment, from the universe, God or Santa, that of where you stand in the process along the way. It's all information. It's all valuable expansion. It's all it's all discovery of you. And it's supposed to be fun.

Now, most of us don't have all that much fun in that process. We take ourselves very seriously. We beat ourselves up, we judge ourselves, we compare ourselves, we think we should be further along, or, and to the point of desire that we spoke about in our last conversation. If we have more than others, we can feel bad. If we there, there is a saying that's that goes, you can't get poor enough to make poor people rich, you can't get sick enough to make people sick people well.

So so in our compassion toward others in our desire to understand and and not being isolated in our thriving at times, we diminish our own ability to thrive and want. And it's programming. It's our parents and their parents and their parents and their parents, when they heard us say we wanted more. They were often eager to shut us down because maybe they didn't have the money. Maybe they were tired of us always wanting more. And they felt responsible for being the resource of that many, many, many, many reasons why people have come to understand that, or come to believe that desire is not a good thing. But it is. It's it's the evolution of all of us. We can't not want.

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah, I still follow like, in my mind, as I'm thinking of the thought of, I could see why someone would shut me down. If I said, I want more, therefore, I'm not happy. Yeah, with who I am today versus I want more. And I'm also happy with where I am today. Like I don't, I don't know if I've ever really been able to hold both of those thoughts at the same time.

Christine Meyer 

Oh, then it's a good practice for you to get into. I want more and yay, yay, I want more. Yay, something to want yay, something to go for yay. Something you see. And this is a multilayered conversation. Because often when we want something, we also have the underlying belief that we don't always get it. And I'm not saying you're always going to get everything that you want every single time. But often a desire is filled with doubts. Often that desire is filled with expectations from our past, accomplishments, if you will, or experiences and so desire comes.

We've come to associate desire, we talked about this on the last podcast with this feeling of yearning, and it takes practice to understand that desire, pure desire feels good. And if you also practice understanding, that what you want your desires are heard, known and received by the universe and and when you come to understand that whenever you want can be orchestrated in this beautiful way that includes all of your desires up till now in ways that will please and delight you, then there's less doubt mixed in. If you understand that a desire is more about the journey toward it than it is about the accomplishment of it while the accomplishment of it the having of it. The experiencing of it is very satisfying can be satisfying. Some people have achieved their desires and they're not satisfied.

They don't take any time to feel satisfying about the journey or, or where they stand now. And so it's always reaching for more from a place of maybe this is what we're getting to here as well is so many people reach for more from a place of lack. That's right, rather than reaching for more from a place of satisfaction, and that blows some people's minds because they say, Well, how can I be satisfied and want more like you can't help it, you want more of what you've got, then more of the same. You're not going to stop wanting, you're just not going to stop wanting so you might as well find ways to make peace with it. Now, how do you do that? Well, there are multiple ways. And it really depends on who I'm speaking to, in terms of what specifics I would say here, but in a general concept is just continuing to remind yourself that the idea of desire being bad is a misunderstanding about how we evolve and how we create and who we truly are.

Nik Tarascio 

How would you recommend because you talked about like, I might have, I don't know, if you call it an addiction or something to this idea, or some sort of, I have a narrative that I carry about, you know, I see myself as less than or I have shame for who I was in the past, whatever that is, what are actual practices I or someone else could do to say, I do want to anchor that I do want to change that narrative of I want from a place of satisfaction, like I am satisfied, and I want more.

Christine Meyer 

Well, what are you satisfied with right now? That's really where we start? Or is there anything that you're satisfied with right now that you're happy about? And you understand that you'd like to see guitars on your on your wall there? Are you happy with that guitar? Do you play those guitars? Yes, you do. Yeah. So are you happy with those guitars? Do you really like to play them? Yeah. Okay, so you're pretty satisfied with your guitars? Yeah. Would you like to? Is there another guitar that you're you'd like to play? At some point? Is there one, like, you see, but does that feel? Do you feel diminished? With the guitars that you have? Or are you kind of sort of kind of sort of looking forward to that next guitar that you have your eyes on?

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah, it's interesting. Like, I don't feel compulsion to go after another guitar. If there was another one, I'd be like, Oh, I'd love to try that out and feel it and see what it can do. But I don't feel like I don't feel like I have to take any action towards that.

Christine Meyer 

Well, great, because because that, to me indicates the perfect place to be because you're not you're not resisting where you are, and you're not feeling dissatisfied with where you are. And you're saying, Well, yeah, but you just said, if when you're satisfied, then then you understand that there's always more you want to probably learn how to pick the guitars differently or, or improve your skills or, or, or, or keep playing for the fundament, you don't have to keep improving your skills you play for the fun of it. But there's desire there, isn't there not is there not even if it's to play for the fun of it. I just want to play that's a desire. That's a desire. So a desire doesn't always have to mean improvement. And desire can just mean I want to do more of that, because it's really fun.

Nik Tarascio 

So I think where my mind goes right now is there's almost two categories of desire. For me, like there's almost this distinction between you again, like I want to play another guitar, maybe what it actually comes down to is, I don't think I need that guitar. There are my life. That's right, I don't, I don't need it to happen. When I get when I say like, I need something, I never really thought about it, it's really, I'm not going to let myself feel satisfaction, happiness. Until I get that thing.

Christine Meyer 

So I've manufactured a need, that's a universal human thought, Trump, I'll be happy when I'll be happy when I finally fill in the blank. So many of us live that way I'll be happy when I have a bigger house, I'll be happy when I bla bla, bla, bla, bla step list of things goes on and on and on when I have the relationship or when my relationship gets better, or, or right. And, and again, it's practicing the idea of being satisfied with where I am understanding that as we evolve, all things improve. But can you be in a place of understanding that you're perfectly perfect right where you are and always evolving. So you'll never be complete, you'll never, you'll never have everything that you want, you just won't because there's when you achieve something or, or accomplish something or receive something, you're always There's always more that you're going to be reaching for and that's again, it's it takes time to transform those long held beliefs that we've had that contradict what we're talking about here. But it doesn't have to take a long time. It just takes some reminding and what I said to you earlier is you have a habit that's that's all it is. It's it's a it's a default, go to have a thought process that you have about certain things which we all do, that you bump into, and when you bump into them, you're not going to feel good.

It's going to feel awful to you when you think those thoughts So every limiting belief that you you or anyone has doesn't feel good when you bump into it. So that's a clue. That is a huge clue to you to go, Wait a minute, something just happened, I must have been thinking something or I've had I have a thought around this, that is letting me know that I'm bumping into an outdated belief, if you will, I can update this belief to be something else. Well, you're not going to change your beliefs on a dime, but it's well, okay, what do I believe about this? That's a great place to start. Well, what would I rather believe about this? Doesn't mean you believe that. Yeah. But what would I rather believe what feels better to believe about this, that I was wrong to be standing in the mud 20 years ago? And stirring it up?

No, that doesn't feel good that that event, that choice that I made, that I labeled as being a, you know, a bad choice, was helpful in clarifying so much more. Yeah, that feels better. Even if it didn't clarify so much more, I was really certain that when I made that choice, I didn't want to do that again. And regret is misplaced attention on something you really can't do anything about. So the only choice you have in the only moment that you have any power in is your now. So if you can continue making those choices about who do I want to be? And how do I want to feel now, that's the best trajectory you can place yourself on for the rest of your lifetime, as you continue to evolve and become and desire more, because when your body hurts you desire a better feeling body, does that mean that it's wrong of your body to be hurting right now? No, you see? So it's, it's it's changing the whole foundation of those beliefs. Understanding that you're never in the wrong place, and you've never done anything wrong. Where those places in those choices or those those behaviors, clarifying to you, yes, you always have a choice. Yes. Is your choice limited in some way based on your beliefs? Yes.

Nik Tarascio 

So I have an idea based on what you just said is two things come to mind. I wonder if we could do them together. So first, I'm really interested in how you would guide someone you know, again, for anyone that doesn't know this, again, you do coaching, you help people in a pretty intensive process. It's not just like a one off. Let's talk once and off you go. I'm really wondering when you're facing someone that has a limiting belief, how you'd manage that. And if it's okay, as you're talking, even think of your book title, and you say like, keep it simple. And there's a belief that's like, life's not simple. It's not easy. And I've had people say to me, like, it doesn't have to be so hard. But I hold on to that belief, there's something about that belief that's serving something. So I don't know if this is something we could do on the fly. But I'd almost like to excavate in the moment. If we could my belief system that feels resistance to the idea of keeping things simple, that life is supposed to be easy. If you'd be open to guiding that process of let's let's excavate this belief system, see what's there, and hopefully validate what you talk about in your book.

Christine Meyer 

Well, I typically don't love to excavate, because the more you excavate, the more you excavate, there's a rabbit hole that you really don't get out of. So we can talk about it a little bit. But there's more value in understanding that if you're trying to retrieve you'd rather be untied, rather than wondering how you got tied and how long you've been tied? You see, does that make sense to you?

Nik Tarascio 

It's a little bit abstract. But I'm not sure exactly how that ties to. Like the idea of trying to understand the source of the belief system, you'd say is not as valuable that it's not so much. Why is that? And it's more slide to focus on what you want instead,

Christine Meyer 

because it's looking backwards a little bit, right? It can help sometimes to understand where that belief system came from. But in a way, it's like, well, the tree is there, how did it get there? Does it doesn't matter, the tree is there, either drive around it, or walk around it or something. And so, so understanding where your belief systems come from, can be a rabbit hole that you'll never get out of, because they all come from somewhere, was just keep it simple. They all come from somewhere, they all come from something you've heard something you've seen something you've been told, whatever, whatever, right? So all of your belief systems come from someplace. And where you are now is is having had a belief system as a foundation of something that you just upheld. Okay, so, so, let's get to the belief system that you have sent to me. I believe that life has to be complicated or is complicated and hard.

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah, I think life is hard. I think life is hard and I almost judge negative when people say life's easy, I'm like, then you're not paying attention.

Christine Meyer 

But you've shown yourself that life is hard through your beliefs. So your beliefs are always a self fulfilling prophecy. If you believe that life is hard, your life will be harder. And and you do complicate it. I love you very much, but you do complicated, you go digging, and you go excavating, and you judge yourself, and you, you want to be better, which is a beautiful desire, and you never allow yourself to just accept that where you are is just fine. Or rarely. And so how would we work through that, we'll Well, that's information, right, we've sort of touched on kinda sorta where it comes from and how it shows up. Now we could talk about a little bit how it shows up and when it shows up in those specifics, but also in a general sense to start off from because it's always better to be general than to specific at first, because to specific, just excavates, if you will, more resistance, then we just dig into the resistance. And we have to kind of, it's kind of like having your two feet, your both feet in a puddle of mud. And, and you want to see your feet, but you keep stirring up the mud. So you can't see your feet.

And you keep saying to me, I can't see my feet. I can't see my feet. And I said just stop moving your feet. And we'll see your feet eventually. Yeah, you see, so So I feel like that's kind of what you do. You dig and you dig and you you stir up the mud. And and that's not that's not a criticism or judgment of you. It's just a particular perspective that you've come into. And a lot of, you know what self development stuff has you doing a lot of that? Because there are a lot of practices, that relative to self development, that that keeps you digging. But what I want to do is get you out of that hole, stop digging.

So how can we do that? Well, you identify some of the beliefs that you have life is hard. Well, does that belief? Does that idea even feel good to you? Or does it feel awful is like Oh, doesn't feel good? So what other belief could you have around that? What else would you rather believe? What would you like to believe? If I'm not asking you to believe it? Would you like to believe that life is could be easy? Yeah. Would you like to? Would you like to believe that life doesn't have to feel hard all the time? can life be hard? Yeah. Let's let's not pretend it doesn't feel hard sometimes. Because Darn it. It does. But does that mean that life is hard? No. Do you have moments of feeling ease? Some All right, which what moments are they?

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah. I'm cuddling with my dog feels pretty easy.

Christine Meyer 

It's got a lot to teach you. You've got a lot to learn from him of the ease and flow and contentment, how contentment just keeps get having him get his way? Doesn't it? Doesn't life just show up in really good, awesome, easy, flowing ways for him? Because he is content? Now? Yeah, animals don't ask as specifically as we do. So it's kind of easy for them to let life for the most part, be easy for them. Even in situations where it's not that easy for them. They typically overall don't show much discontent in their situation. But your process would be again, we wouldn't solve this in a day. We wouldn't solve this in two days. It's a process. It's a practice of understanding that I just bumped into that. And that didn't feel good. There. I am upholding that belief that life is supposed to be hard or that life feels hard.

And I'm not at all. Diminishing that for you. Life feels hard. I get it. And you've shown yourself that to be true in some situations. But what what if you could ask yourself what if I believed that life could be easy? What doors would that open for me? What? How would that feel? What just the idea of it feels better? You see? So it's a process of understanding that there are multiple redirects that you can do along the way. And a question that feels a statement or belief that feels bad is right there and then letting you know that that's not how your soul sees it. Life doesn't have to be hard. It's what you believe it to be again, self fulfilling prophecy that will continue to be fulfilled so what I like to believe something different Yes, I want all right, we'll have something's been easy for me and you, you acknowledge that light fills you with easy with your dog.

Well, that's one place that's being demonstrated for you. I'm sure there are plenty of other places that that have been easy. For for you or felt more ease around. And that's what you have to focus on is okay. Well, it's not hard all the time. Again, it's talking to yourself. It's Yes, absolutely appealing to your logic. But it's also stretching yourself to ask yourself a better feeling question. Because when you get a better feeling, when you ask a better feeling question, you also get a better feeling answer. If you keep asking yourself, Why is life so hard? What's the answer? You're gonna get on that? Because it is. Because I've shown myself that life is hard. And, yeah, 1000 people listening to this podcast might agree with you. And I still want to say that doesn't diminish. That doesn't mean that life doesn't feel hard at times. But it does not have to be the way that it is. That's, that's not a T, big capital T truth. It's a belief that is being fulfilled by your own beliefs.

Nik Tarascio 

I could see how that would influence my decisions in a moment, that if I was faced with an A or B situation, and one I know is going to be hard, and one I know is probably not going to be hard, then I'd be skeptical of the one that seems easy. But like, that's not, it's not consistent with what I've known to be true. Therefore I choose. I don't choose that path. Yeah,

Christine Meyer 

yeah, exactly. You see how it just forms your life forms and informs your life, those beliefs that you have? And so what if you had a different belief about? Could life be easier for you? I will say yes, it could be 100% easier, things could fall into place more easily. Yes, 100%, it could, even when things weren't falling into place, in in, in perfect little ways in the way that you wanted them to be, you would be more you would experience more ease in the experience of it in the flow of it in the unfolding of it. And so again, your beliefs are always a self fulfilling prophecy. And if life feels hard, and you'd rather than it didn't, I get it. It's hard to juggle up those beliefs and say, well, but I've got evidence that life is hard. I get it again.

But do you want it to keep being that way? Is that what you want for yourself? No, I'd like more ease. Great. That's a that's a great start. But I don't believe in ease. That's okay. You don't have to yet. You don't have to yet. Would you like to? Yes, I would. All right, then. Great. Great. Well, then what do I do from now for moving forward? Well, you just telling yourself, speak to yourself, show yourself showing yourself. Ask yourself to show yourself that something can be easy. And I will guarantee you that there's more ease in your life than just petting your dog. I know there is not everything is hard. But what you're used to tuning yourself to is the challenges, the struggles, the the digging. What if I didn't dig so deep? What if I just let life be easy? And we all complicated, we all complicate our lives? We all make them at some way, in some way, shape, or form harder than it has to be? Yes, we do.

And that's resistance. Those are the beliefs that we have along the way that we bump into. And we, you know, again, this is a multi layered conversation that we're not going to solve your your thing in one sitting. But that's where you start. What would I rather believe? What would I like to believe? Does it feel better to believe something else? What if, what if? What if life was easier? What if I could show myself so you? Again, it's like, when you set your GPS in your car, you set it for the destination you want to go not the destination you came from. And so again, in a logical sense that makes to demonstrate that idea of we don't have to keep digging, there's this belief that, that we have to keep digging and figure out what's wrong with us and why we believe this and where it came from and who gave it to us and how long it's been happening. And they get to me, that's that's trying to set your GPS on where you came from. Yeah, when you can feel that,

Nik Tarascio 

right. I feel so much like there's such a desire, because I'm like, Why do I want to do that? Right? Like, what's the real underlying reason to look backwards or go digging? It's, it's like, it's just like, I want to, I guess I want to validate my story. It's almost like See, I told you

Christine Meyer 

and and I'm so glad you said that because that's something I didn't say it. Most of us want to say where we came from to justify or validate where we are, especially when we're not where we want to be at or when we believe that we're not where we're we should be, you see and so we explain we justify we want validation from others we want to tell but it's been so hard for me that's why I haven't been whatever yet. And that's a waste of time. We all everyone listening if you could just stop that or do it a little later. As you would feel more joy in your life, you wouldn't feel so diminished in that moment.

Because every time you do that, I will guarantee you that you feel diminished in some way, shape or form. But that's how we relate we want, we want to be relatable we want, we want to look good in the eyes of others. So we explain how we got here, when it's, it's, again, you're going to get in your car and set your GPS to where you came from where you don't want to go, No, you're not. So again, this this, this perspective that I'm offering here is not something that you just jump into and say, Okay, I'm done. And I'll never, I'll never look back again, I still look back. And I do this every day all day long. And I've been doing it for over 20 years, meaning this coaching. But I know what I'm doing when I'm doing it. Yeah, I know what I'm in the process of creating what I'm doing it and your pilot.

When you're heading to a destination, you you have a reservation at the airport that you're going to for where you're headed. You plan in advance, you get you make plans before you get there. And same thing with our daily monologue and dialogues with others. How often are we thinking, speaking and feeling forward into what's becoming versus where we came from?

Nik Tarascio 

It's an interesting idea to me too. Like I think what I what I really hear in that is this idea of, I always thought of external circumstances as the destination, this idea that like I'm trying to arrive in this level of success, this level of financial blah, blah, blah, this apartment, this house, whatever that is, it's interesting to think about the destination as this belief system. I'm trying to arrive in this belief system, the external stuff, just the external stuff, it doesn't matter, you could change it around. I'm trying to get to a place that I think and feel certain things.

Christine Meyer 

Yeah, well, and the external stuff are the manifested results of your thinking and your beliefs.

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah. And so that's like, that's super tricky for me, because then it gets to like, shit. I've moved a lot externally. And I'm still pretty much where I started in a lot of ways, because I've been looking back so much and bringing all that stuff with me.

Christine Meyer 

Yeah, yeah. But good to know, right? It's good to know, rather than beating yourself up over doing it, it's good to know now. So now you can make a different choice now that you know, you can start making different choices again, you don't suddenly change a belief system that you've had. But it doesn't have to take that long it does take, for lack of a better word, some diligence, meaning paying attention to how you feel when you bump into belief. When you bump into a thought or belief, something that doesn't feel good. That's your first clue, clue. Oh, there, there's, there's that thing that I do. There's that habit. It's just a habit. That's all you can create new habits around your beliefs.

You can create new beliefs. You can create new behaviors, you can create new choices you can create. But first you have to start a What am I tuning to here? Where am I? Again, as a pilot, you'll understand that one degree, one little degree as you keep moving forward will take you in a whole different place. Yeah. Then you may be meant to be in. And that's all it is, is paying attention to how you feel. And that doesn't mean being hard on yourself. It's more like Oh, good. This is information.

This is information for me valuable information for me. What am I thinking? How am I feeling? And then you you recognize that you're thinking, Oh, I was playing this scenario out as if you know, in my old habit of life is hard. I feel this feels hard. And why does it have to be like, pay attention to your monologue? Why did I do this again? Or why does it have to be so hard? Does nothing come easily? Like, very revealing, right there? Again, doesn't make you wrong doesn't make you bad doesn't make you a horrible human. It's just conclusions you've come to over your lifetime. So so who cares? Big deal? Yeah, big. That's, it's

Nik Tarascio 

great. It's a great like, I've been trying to anchor the entire time we've been talking, I'm like, I need something that I can hold. And what I keep going back to is I imagine trying to order an Uber. And I'm like you the Uber says where you are and you say where you want to go. And I imagine the Uber driver coming in me explaining to him how I got here. And he's like, all right. Do you want to go to the destination? Like no, I need to tell you, I need to tell you how I got here. First, I need you to understand why you're picking me up here first. He's like, Okay, I'm going to charge you up to three minutes a wait time, like, do you really want to do that? Or do you want to just go to where you want to go? And so I think like that's so interesting to me how much I've witnessed other people doing it, how much I'm doing it and I'm like, you know, again, I'm curious about people. There's a pure curiosity. That's like, I actually just wonder why we do that. And also, it doesn't really matter. It doesn't matter that much.

Christine Meyer 

But you already sent it, right? We already discussed that to validate and justify and to sort of explain to ourselves how we got here and others, we are aware of other people's perspectives of us, and we want to come off looking good. And so if I'm standing in a place that I am not very proud of, or that I think I should be elsewhere, then there's a tendency for me to want to justify to you or or demonstrate to you how I got here. And I think it's important, I think that somehow it's, it's, it's it, it does something, but honestly, it does nothing, it does nothing.

To your point, that was a great example, that you that you took and said, You know, when you get in into the cab into the Uber drivers manual, you're not going to tell them all of the places that you've been today, you're going to, you're going to tell the Uber driver where you're headed, because everything else is irrelevant. It's irrelevant in the sense that it's clarifying for you. Things that you want things that you don't want, it's irrelevant, that you've become and evolved and expanded as a result of your life experience. But doesn't matter.

Really, in your you're not. You're a combination of all of that for sure. But in your now is where you get to decide who you want to continue to become in what you want in your now your point of power is now not then not tomorrow. It's now and then it's now again, and then it's now again. And it's now again. So in every moment, you get to decide how you want to perceive things, what you want to believe what you want to lean in the direction of at least move in the lean in the direction of it. Like when you get into the Uber drivers car, you say, here's where I want to go. You're not there. Yeah. Do you feel angst about that? Here's where I want to go. But you're not there yet. Isn't that a desire that you don't feel angst about?

Nik Tarascio 

Here? Here's where I want to go about it? Yeah, I'm pretty good about it. Yeah,

Christine Meyer 

same thing. It's the same thing. So so moving through these these conversations, is the idea that you've got to find something that your logic adheres to, that that makes sense. And then you've got to keep finding ways that it keeps making sense to you to make new sense of a new belief that you're trying to adapt to. Because if you keep trying to justify your old belief, it's it. But it's been hard, I get that I'm not at all saying to you that it hasn't been, do you want something different? Well, then you're going to have to think differently, you're going to have to feel differently, you're gonna have to reach for different thoughts. It just that's just the way it is. And there's not one way, there's not one formula, there's not one way, there's not one trick, there's not one. Anything other than some of the suggestions that I've made is asking yourself a different question. Does this feel good? What would I rather believe? What feels better? What do I believe? What else can I believe? That kind of thing? Well, what if?

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah, yeah, like I said, it really, my mind wants to complicate even now to be like, but what are the specific steps I need to take to install a new belief system in my life versus, you know, it's like, if I just looked at that belief system every day and say, What would this day look like if that were true? Yeah. And then what choices can I make that would be consistent with that?

Christine Meyer 

With that? How can I align myself with that desire? What? What would I rather believe? Well, I'd rather believe that life was easy. Well, so what thoughts do I need to think? Or could I think that align with the idea that life is easy? Well, it's going to take you a little while to come up with some of those thoughts. Because you're not in the practice of it. But the more you practice it, again, this is a practice. It's not a, it's not a get rich, quick scheme. It's a practice. It's an and, frankly, you're going to practice it for the rest of your lifetime. Because as soon as you identify a desire, every contradictory belief is going to show up in your life.

Nik Tarascio 

I feel that right now. Even as we're talking, I'm like, Oh, that's so easy. I just have to hold the belief that I want to, I want to, you know, anchor to, and then just keep choosing towards that. And then the part of me that like, thinks hard is like, No, it's not that easy. And I'm like, but what if it is that easy? So I'm still wrestling with all of that stuff. And I could see that that really is the practice it's in that moment where I want to challenge it, I want to fight it. I want to fight what you're saying.

Christine Meyer 

is hard. That's right. What what value is that to you? Maybe you enjoy a heart maybe some people enjoy having a hard life. I know some people who love to make things really complex and complicated and that's just their, that's just seems to be their way of being. I like to make things really simple. Because to me, everything in the world is really simple. I can look at something and just bring it down and say listen, here's here's how that is just like that. But that works for me.

But if you if you are if you identify as being the person who has a difficult life, then when your identity gets challenged, you will wobble a little bit my identity is being challenged around this. So it is forming a new thought thought it is forming a new belief it is forming a new identity. Well, what if? What if things could go easily for me? Just asking just and that I understand from your perspective that that seems too simple. And probably too many of your listening. listeners hear? And do you want to argue for that limitation that that seems too simple? Or do you want to just give it a try? Because again, if you tell your GPS where you want to go, and you move your car in that direction, you're ultimately going to get there? Unless you say, No, I'm not taking that route. I'm going in the opposite direction. Yeah. So the question that feels better is like setting the directions in your GPS. That's why I said that. Yes.

Nik Tarascio 

I mean, I'll land the plane with this thought, which is really funny to experience. It is like, I hear this voice in my head, that's like, That can't be true. And the real reason it can't be true is because my system, immediate, like that mean voice I was talking about wants to be like, if that were true, and life was that easy. And all this time, we've been the one making it hard. The inner dialogue is like, what a fucking idiot, like,

Christine Meyer 

But again, you don't you don't call the baby and fucking dad for not knowing how to walk right or talk. It's like, you don't know what you don't know until you know it, that that's you, you truly have to find ways to be easier on yourself and kinder to yourself. And, and I'm sure you've heard him, but how would your best friend speak to you, right? Like, you've got to become your own best friend, because you're with you the most than anyone else is, and until and again, for all the listeners a really good practice is to practice becoming your own best friend, don't look to your, this might sound a little weird, don't look to your best friends, to always be your best friends, the ones that uplift you and support you look to yourself to do those things and have those monologues with yourself. Because again, you take you with you wherever you go, and you're with you the most. You're never without you, you are your own best friend, or you are your own worst enemy.

And that is not a criticism. But it's an evolution. And this idea that you've got to be someplace that you're not is kind of ridiculous. And that's not making fun of you. It's just it's a belief system that you you will want to if you want if you want to continue to challenge continue to challenge that rather than go digging in more rabbit holes, continue to challenge your current perspective that life is hard, and some of the other beliefs that go along with that, and some of the choices that you're making, moving forward, not back, because Because so when I was a kid, I used to when I when I heard people arguing, I would go hide behind chairs. I would go hide somewhere as runaway as fast as I could when I heard people arguing. And I could stand from my now and say, Well, that was dumb, like, why do that?

And judge it. I don't do that anymore. Sometimes I'd like to. I don't do that anymore. But again, to stand in my now and say that that didn't serve me did that not serve me? Well, then because it helped me escape and helped me find my own alignment. It was a place for me to go where I didn't have to be exposed to the turmoil that was going on. And so again, to judge that and say that that was wrong, is of no value. Do I want to continue doing that? No. That's the valuable part. But where I was, is a perfect bouncing off place. For what I learned from that, and what I desired from that and how I learned to manage situations like that. Does that make sense?

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah, no, it doesn't I I'm really sitting with this idea of like two critical things that I'm hearing. And again, there's such a desire, I think, like science, always looking for a desire to understand where we came from. And I'm like, there's some value to that. But I do really like this idea of like, who cares? Who cares, let someone else go figure all that stuff out. I'm going to be busy just creating what I want, because I know what I want, and I know where I am. So I just have to move from where I am to where I want to go.

And that's it. I don't need to worry about all that other noise you can get if it's fun, if it's fun, and it's curious and life is working out like and I have the space just to be like let me just think about that. That's kind of fun and interesting. That's a very different space to come from then like what an idiot like what a total moron and I think that's so like the two things again, that I really hear for me and probably for other people I hope this is relevant is yeah, just acknowledge where you are knowledge where you want to go and then start moving there. However you want to go, just start going there. And while you're going monitor that voice in your head, right and listen to that voice in your head because like you said it has not been my best friend. It has been a really actually a great enemy though. like if it was an enemy to me, it has driven me forward so hard. So I have to thank that part of me.

Christine Meyer 

And, yeah, sure, sure. And that's what makes you tired. And that's what makes you ill. And that's what makes you not believe in yourself. And that's what makes you not achieve what you want that that's what makes you reach for more and never feel like you get there, you see. And so that is where it starts again. Because Because if you speak mainly to yourself again, it sounds again, simplistic, isn't as simple as starting to speak. Think more nicely to myself. Yeah, it is that simple. Is that going to feel simple? No, heck no, certainly not. If you're in the habit of not speaking nicely to yourself. Will it take practice?

Yeah. Will they take time? Yeah, how much time? I don't know. That's up to you. Yeah, that's up to you. And your life will change the moment you start asking yourself better feeling questions, I guarantee it. It just does. Because it's like, again, when you get in your plane to to pilot someone someplace you're not, you're not then turning the plane in a different direction than where they said they want to go. You're just not doing that. So understanding that the more you look back, the more you bring all of that stuff with you. And this is not to disqualify anyone's past or anyone's experience. It's just from here. And now you have the opportunity to make new choices from here. And now you have the opportunity to look at all of that and see the perfection of it, or the imperfection of it and make new choices.

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah, and what I'll say to that is, if anybody listening feels resistance thinks this doesn't make any sense thinks it sounds stupid. I get it, I get it. That's the resistance like that is literally the thing that we're talking about. It's that thing that saying, I will not let myself have it easy. I will not let myself change the way I'm doing things I want to hold on to my past. And so I think that's why it's so it really is so meta for me. It's like, Yeah, can I really let go of that stuff and just focus on this new paradigm,

Christine Meyer 

your future depends on you. Changing it? That's right, sure that you want depends on you making those changes. As stupid as that might sound or as simple as it might sound or so simple. So many people resist the idea that feeling good is the key to having all that you want. To simple, can't do that can't be happy, because Because Because Because and then we find, we scrape up all kinds of reasons why we can't be happy. It's it's time this is you know, a little bit of a blunt state, it's time for us all to stop doing that. If we want to experience the joyful lives that we were born to have. And to experience ourselves as creators of our lives, it's time for us to have a different perspective and to adapt to new foundations from which that we can live our lives more fully and freely.

Nik Tarascio 

So really cultivating the emotional experience that we're seeking. Like, again, because we said it's backwards, right? Like, I will feel the things I want to feel when I have whatever thing I'm chasing, but instead saying what if I could cultivate that emotional experience and operate and live in that emotional experience today, what you're ultimately saying is that stuff will actually follow that will follow the emotional experience. I know that that again, God,

Christine Meyer 

the emotional experience must be cultivated and created first. That's just where it all comes from. Because because you are your own point of attraction you are attracting by virtue of your thoughts and your in your emotions indicate what you're in the process of attracting and creating. So the emotions have to change first. The emotions have to change first. Otherwise, everything that you ever want, that feels a certain way that you're not feeling yet is forever going to be out of reach forever. And you won't be satisfied with where you are.

So yes, it's an internal journey. It's an internal game of finding a way to feel how you want to feel first so that you can have fun along the way and so that you are more of a match. It's like you want to listen to music playing on Sirius XM, the pulse but you're tuned to hit one. And I will just change the station. But I can't, but I can't. I can't. Yes, you can. But that's where it starts. It's got to start with tuning yourself to the station you want to hear if you if you're tuned to life is hard. You will get life is hard. And it will be validated. It will be your truth. But it doesn't have to be. Yeah.

Nik Tarascio 

That's a hell of a message by the way. My dog's name is tune. So yeah, I think about that all the time. And I guess that's what he's tuned to. He's tuned to a really content life, a nice cushy life and so he can definitely teach me some stuff. It's

Christine Meyer 

demonstrating things to you watching Yeah, right. He doesn't want as specifically as you do, and, and so on and so on. Yeah, there are differences. But but they really are. They really are tuners.

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah. So good. Well, this is phenomenal. It's always just amazing. Anytime we even have just a random chat, it turns into the most meaningful conversation on my month. So thank you for always bringing us to a place of levity and seriousness, and playfulness, and joy and possibility. It's just a it's always so empowering to talk to you. Thank you to my resistance for not pushing too hard in this in this episode, because there's still that far. It's like I got a fight. But what I just want to close with again, the some of the three things that really stood out to me was the importance of really cultivating that or tuning the station, I like the way you said it tuning to the station, tune into the experience that you want to be in that emotional experience, or after focusing on where you want to go and letting go of where you came from.

Again, not to as you said, not to discredit or dishonor that but just to say, like, when I keep looking at where I come from, I end up going back there actually, like we go where we look. And I've said it many times, but I never thought about it in this context. And the last one is in all of that just to continually be kind to yourself, and to really listen to that, that that self narrative, that self dialog, and ask yourself if that's your best friend or your worst enemy, and to, again, change that relationship if it needs to be changed. Start to be that that positive, encouraging forward force in your life. And man, oh, man, this is my homework for the next who knows how long? But I think it's

Christine Meyer 

like you're never done, right? It's a practice. It's a practice. I wonder that too. It's like, Will this ever be done? But it's not because because every time you you evolve, then you're standing in a new place where you have other beliefs that you bump into? And it's like, Oh, great. And that's the other thing is like, great, I get to expand again. Isn't this awesome? If we could all just see it more as a game versus a, we need to be these perfect enlightened humans who, you know, I think that idea of enlightenment is is also misunderstood. I believe that enlightenment happens in this moment when I'm feeling good. Because when I'm feeling good, I am tuned to my broader perspective in this moment. Is that not enlightened? Yeah. When I'm digging deep into my troubles and trying to identify why and what and who and when. I am not enlightened in that moment. But that's but I think a lot of people think that by digging, I become more enlightened. And I say no, that that's the opposite of enlightenment that's digging yourself in deeper hole that you it's really hard to get out of.

Nik Tarascio 

I've traded a lot of presents for searching in the past,

broader perspective, or your source or soul in those moments.

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah. Beautiful. Well, thank you so much for the time. And if you're really curious to excavate into Christine's work, check out her book, keep it simple, smarty pants. She has a free chapter on her website. She has a new book coming in 2024 Can't wait for that. Will there be any kind of party or anything? I always like to celebrate those kinds of things.

And well, sure if you want one.

Nik Tarascio 

Throw it in New York. All right. Sounds good to me. Yeah. I love that. And again, she also works with small groups of people that have a real deep desire to go deep into this work in a coaching capacity. So Christina, thank you for being you as always, and I hope everyone enjoyed this absolutely, deeply profound, meandering, curious conversation that always lights me up. Thank you for listening to the dream beyond. I hope that you receive whatever message or inspiration you were meant to get from today's episode. I had a great time recording it for you. If you love the show, please take 30 seconds to subscribe rate and review it. That really helps get the word out. And if you want to connect with me, you can find me at

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