#And it'll never be the same - It might be years until I'm as secure in terms of friendship as I was before all this

[queerunpleasantdanger]

.

[midsummer-semantics]

if the world was ending

Okay, I told myself I wasn't going to write anything for @steddieangstyaugust but apparently I lied (I'm sorry)

Here's for day 1: Second Chance

CW: Slight agoraphobia

[not posted to AO3 but you can find other things there.]

When the earthquake hits, he’d like to say he thinks about his parents first. That he wonders where they are and if they're safe or if they’d hear about it from wherever they are in the world. If they’d call to check on him, even though they never did before.

He'd like to say he thinks about Robin, who's two states away studying for a graduate degree in International relations and communication, and likely doesn't feel the ground moving beneath her feet like he does.

Hell, he'd like to say he thinks about the kids, but most of them are scattered themselves, starting college programs (Will, Mike, Dustin) or sports training camps (Lucas) or exploring the West Coast (Max and El).

No, Steve is alone in his big, empty house when it hits, and the only thing on his mind is that they were wrong. Indiana doesn't get earthquakes, so something else has to be afoot. Six years since they defeated Vecna, since everyone tried to move on with their lives while Steve stayed because that's what he does, he stays.

A touchstone Dustin had called him once. Something to do with foundation and a connecting center. Steve still thinks it might have just been him and the rest of the group trying to make him feel better about still being stuck in the same house, in the same town, doing nothing and going nowhere.

He's alone and he thinks 'This is it. What I've been waiting for.'

He has a 6-year-old emergency pack stored that should have more dust on it if it wasn't for the way he chronically checks it. His trusty bat and a duplicate he made just in case, plus the ax he used the last time, are all near enough to the door. He's not sure what the protocol is for earthquakes, having grown up in the Midwest, but he's pretty sure he's not supposed to be indoors, right?

It doesn't last very long, but it doesn't matter. A few seconds of the ground shaking and rolling beneath his feet are enough to jumpstart him into action.

He's gathering supplies, cursing himself for taking too long, when the phone in the kitchen rings.

He should ignore it, knows that whatever or whoever it is can wait until he's secured the area and alerted the cavalry that something is happening. It'll take days for people to get here and Steve thinks he might he able to hold off whatever's coming out of whatever rift has sprung up until then, but he doesn't have time to think about it too hard.

The phone rings off the hook as Steve takes too damn long to double-check that nothing is in the house before he even attempts to go outside, and Steve knows he can't just leave it. Not in case it's someone who's still in town who knows he's here: Mrs. Wheeler, Claudia, Jim or Joyce.

He nearly rips the cord out of the wall when he answers.

"Stevie?!" comes the frantic voice of the person he least expects to be on the other side.

"Eddie?"

"Steve, oh my god." He can hear Eddie panting. "Are you okay?"

It's the first time Steve's heard Eddie's voice in five years. Since Eddie made good on his promise to run like hell out of here, something he'd repeated to anyone who would listen until he finally did. Five years since Steve had realized he was halfway in love with him after saving the world and never got to say anything because he was a coward and Eddie was leaving anyway so what was the point?

He'd gotten one phone call when Eddie arrived in Denver and it's been radio silence since then. Truthfully, he couldn't blame the guy, but Steve had had... thoughts... feelings... probably brought on by end-of-the-world shit but nonetheless. And then Eddie just—

Vanished.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Are you?" he asks.

"We're good," Eddie replies, and only then does he hear the rough grumble of Eddie's uncle in the background, asking why Eddie's on the phone at nearly 3 in the morning.

"Earthquake, old man," Eddie shouts, still too close to the receiver for Steve's already damaged hearing.

Oh.

So, Eddie's in town. Cool. Steve had no idea. Doesn't know when Eddie got in or if he ever intended to tell Steve he was here at all. That's fine.

"Sorry, Stevie. Woke Wayne up. Shit— did I wake you up too?"

Steve swallows harshly, shaking his head even though Eddie can't see it. "No, I was already awake."

"Me too," Eddie replies. "Jet lag. Just got in a few hours ago. What a welcome home, huh?"

"Sure," Steve says, wondering what the point of this call is. "Look, I'm glad to hear from you, but I really need to—"

"Wait!" Steve shuts his mouth, his teeth clacking harshly. "It's fine. Everything is fine."

"Dude, there was an earthquake just now—"

"And it wasn't You-Know-What related," Eddie states, a bit of his franticness back in his voice. "They're leveling part of the plant for safety issues. Wanted to do it at night so no one would freak out." Steve cringes. Hawkins wasn't exactly magnanimous about the rebuilding efforts last time, but he doesn't go to city council meetings to hear about what the efforts might have been since then. "That's part of why I'm home. Wayne's got an extended leave until they sort out what else to do."

Steve sighs, dropping the emergency pack on the floor and leaning the ax he'd managed to grab against the wall. "Oh. Great. Wish they'd have told everyone else just in case."

"I know, sweetheart. But everything is okay."

Sweetheart.

Steve's actual heart skips a beat hearing that again.

"I'll be back, sweetheart. I promise."

"So... you're here then? In Hawkins?"

There's a beat of silence, some shuffling on the other end. "Well, yeah. I told you I'd come back."

"For your uncle."

"He's part of it."

Steve hesitates, hating himself for even considering getting his hopes up.

"And the other part?"

"My guy is here."

When the earthquake hit, he’d like to say he thought about his parents first.

No, he'd thought it was the end of the world. And above that, all he could think about was Eddie.

[lvlyghost]

Disobedience

PAIRINGS: Simon 'Ghost' Riley x F!Reader

SUMMARY: Simon warned you not to go out, but a quick trip to the local pub doesn't seem like a bad idea.

WORD COUNT: 1.1k

TW: angst, comfort. overprotective!simon, reader is careless, pregnancy, established relationship. another part(? idk. poorly edited. mind the english. you know the drill 💗🌝

A/N: heh, so i'm down with —another— cold and I was just drifting off to sleep thanks to the meds when this idea hit me so i had to write it down, wish it was longer though, was planning on adding more angst but if this does well a second part might happen; (simon's still mad at reader🌚). enjoy🍂🌝

Masterlist✨

"So you did exactly what I specifically told you not to do?" He mutters, pacing back and forth in front of you, who could only stare up at him with wide eyes and parted lips. You had never seen him this mad. Not in the two years of relationship you so carefully built up.

It happened the night before he was supposed to return from deployment.

Simon had been gone for two months to a special operation with the task force or so he had told you. He couldn't disclose much about his work so he gave you little-to-no information regarding his mission and part of you felt relieved, he had said countless of times that there were things that he never wanted you to learn about. So you just did what you knew best: hug him and love him endlessly. And he did the same for you.

God knows Simon Riley loved you.

But going out for a few drinks —although you really didn't have any, thank the tiny human growing inside you— seemed harmless. Catching up with your small group of three friends after not seeing each other for months was something that couldn't kill anyone. And in all honesty you were going crazy. Needed a distraction. Fresh air. Break the routine you had fallen onto.

Simon had been gone for a while, and it's something you accepted when you started dating. So he wasn't the one to blame at all. Just like it wasn't his fault that you blatantly disobeyed him when he had called you through a secure line.

'Listen to me, love.' You could practically hear the worry in his voice. Things have taken a turn, yeah? I need you to stay in. Word's spreading these terrorists are targeting... families. I- I just need you to be safe yeah? Until I get home. It'll take a day tops. We don't wanna risk it. Jus' wait for me, please."

Needless to say that you had agreed at first, and it didn't took much convincing from your friends to drag you out. After all, Simon had made sure that you were off the radar to these terrorist or mercenaries. He put so much care to your safety, little people knew about your existence; so there was no reason to be worried right? A few hours of mingling then you'd go back. it's not like you could stand being out for so long either way.

The small bump on your belly was enough reason to call it a night a few hours into the night. Your pregnancy was still at the point where sleep got the best of you. The emotional outbursts were also not rare. The morning sickness that came with it.

But now under Simon's disapproving eyes you wonder if you had taken the right decision to disregard the order he had given you. All for an innocent reunion with the girls. His big hands are on his hips, staring you down with those brown eyes that you love, just not right now. You wonder if this is what the soldiers under his command feel when they're the subject of his ire. You hold back the tears. Fuck, he's not even being so hard on you, not even raising his voice. He'd never do that to you. Disappointing him is something you are not so proud of now.

"I didn't think it would be that bad." Simon scoffs, pinching the bridge of his nose as an eerie silence settles between the two. "I know it's the dumbest excuse I- it was going to be for a few hours..."

Until he had barged into the pub. His eyes roaming around the establishment until he locked eyes with you, he had relaxed instantly. The deep pit that had set in his stomach when he got home only to be greeted by a deafening silence began to fade. Then anger reared its ugly head when he silently asked —demanded— you to stand up and led the two out of the place. The ride back in complete silence, hands gripping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles turned white. Why couldn't you just obey him for once? It took you hours to completely forget about his warnings. What if they laid hands on you? On his unborn child? Gritting his teeth he had stared forward focusing on anything but the thought of finding your dead body, of him scooping you up all bloodied and unreachable. Gone to somewhere he couldn't follow just yet.

Simon stalks forward sitting down on the coffee table in front of you, wood creaking beneath his weight. He leaned forward, face mere centimeters from yours as his arms rest on his thighs.

"Love." He calls you, and then he softly murmurs your name. "I'm trying to protect you..." he swallows, eyes traveling down to your small bump and then back to you again. "Both of you. If something happened..." Simon's jaw clenched, he doesn't even want to think of the worst scenarios. "We have enemies and i'd never forgive myself..." You stop him, grabbing his gloved hands and squeezing them with yours. The soft touch he had longed for these past months. He absentmindedly caressed your warm skin.

"Nothing's gonna happen, baby." You assured him, he stares intently at your eyes and finds nothing but love.

"Lost people before this way." He breathes out. And you feel like the biggest moron in the world. He's talking about his family. Simon rarely talks about them. "Hell will freeze before I let that happen again." Standing up he follows, arms wrapping around his middle. "Price set up a safe house for us, until things calm down and get the bastards." One of his hands rests on the nape of your neck inhaling the aroma of your shampoo, the other one firmly set on your swollen belly. He's missed this. Just being around you. Feeling you against him.

"You're coming too right? Missed you terribly." He rest his chin on top of your head.

"Don't think I could leave you now even if I had to."

You sigh deeply, placing a kiss on his chest; you wonder if one day the danger will stop. Simon's made many enemies along the years. But his efforts to keep his identity a secret were greater than any threat out there. Now with you and a baby in the way he'd never rest until he was sure no harm will get to you.

[chaifootsteps]

I'm back, accounting anon, just to reiterate my point.

No, people don't want Viv to lose all her money, we want her to be held accountable for her abuse. Viv has used her power to be a predator. She hires inexperienced animators, people trying to get their foot in the door, and people struggling to make ends meet just to treat them like shit and underpay them. Is everyone collectively ignoring a testimony Erin gave? She worked full time at another job just to barely make ends meet to pay her bills. She was very overwhelmed and stressed. Oh no, we get Viv trying to blacklist her in the industry and Viv sending her lawyers after her too. Trust me, predators never have one victim, they always have many and search for their next prey.

I just had to stop myself since I was going to list more shit Viv did, but I'm sure your followers have already seen them.

Onision used his platform since 2006 to 2019 before Chris Hansen came after him, to target and lure victims to him. His fan base was composed of young preteen girls cause he made edgey parody videos. Onision has a big list of victims that came out because Chris Hansen gave them a platform for it.

Let's look away from YouTube and look at other stuff. What about Bill Cosby? A lot of allegations floated around until a swarm thanks to the me too movement came out. He was known for so many family friendly things! People saw him as their tv uncle/dad!

Did anyone watch the news late last year about Danny Matterson? Fucker used scientology during his that 70's show time to SA women that the church hid. Allegations came out but were ignored and thanks to the me too movement they finally got the attention they needed. Danny is in jail right now where he belongs.

I can go on and on, but we don't have all day/night. What I'm getting at is predators NEVER have one victim. They always have more than one and spend their time trying to find new victims. None of that bullshit Viv is running a business since the first thing they teach you at business college is a company needs a framework for their employees. Viv just has her sister, her besties, and a few other people she's cool with get a lot paid more. No HR, which is so cool! God. I'm like Chai, I hope someone powerful comes after Viv, whether it be for her business malpractice or victims speaking out cause someone gave them the platform for it.

Well said. Viv might not be a sexual predator, but she's a predatory employer and person just the same, and her list of victims is longer than most people realize.

She chews people up and spits them out and relies on her batshit fanbase -- and more securely paid SH employees -- to keep them quiet. It'll catch up with her one day.

[the-phantom-author]

she’s playing maybe the biggest venue she ever has, it’s a monumental moment for her and she’s so happy that hasan is there to see it

hasan is there in the crowd obvi, maybe he’s brought the fear& group plus caroline and lud, the whole night everyone is nudging him when popstar looks his way, maybe she winks at him at some point or points his way and he’s BLUSHINGGGGG

there aren’t even songs about hasan out yet. maybe tonight she surprises everyone with a new song. (“slut!” by taylor) (might something about that song and popstar!gf with hasan soon)

she says she was going back and forth about when to release it but she really wanted to play it tonight, no certain reason 😉😏 and everyone is like ???????????? girl it’s a work of art but we’re confused???????

hasan and his group are VERY MUCH not confused, they allllllll know it’s for him and he’s a puddle on the ground, austin’s hooting and hollering because if popstar!gf has one fan, it’s austin, if she has no fans, he’s dead

she goes back to her regular show, maybe she’s touring the album guts by olivia rodrigo, it’s very ragey and self reflective and looking back on a bad relationship with anger. fans are wild but confused because is she saying she’s in love but she’s literally performing vampire and saying some dude is a blood sucker, fame fucker, etc

it’s almost midnight, she’s wrapping the show up, it’s final number, hasan has went over to where she’ll come off stage and is waiting for her

after the final bows, thank yous, etc etc, she’s leaving, she’s coming off stage and searching until finally she sees him and she just starts running 🥹🥹🥹

he opens his arms wide and she throws her arms around him and gives him a big smoochy!!!!!

she doesn’t care who sees, she’s with someone who is secure enough to handle the criticism, someone who isn’t ashamed of her and isn’t ever trying to diminish her in anyway.

he doesn’t care who sees either. he doesn’t care her hair is wild from sweating and she’s damp from sweat from dancing, he’s kissing her right back and as soon as they pull away from each other he’s telling her how amazing she was, how proud he is of her. how he can’t wait for the next year and he can’t wait to spend it with her.

they finally come out of their love bubble, noticing the fans can see them and they’re yelling that it’s midnight, they were each others new years kiss

gf and hasan KNOWWWW this is gonna be viral when they wake up the next morning.

Imagine the people live tweeting the show

The new year kiss hard launch!!!!

Her just being in the middle of the show touring the breakup album, and is like "wait hold up, so I have a song, and I know it clashes with the tour theme, but I really want to sing it tonight. Who knows when it'll be official released tho." And just goes for it with "Slut!"

Also Hasan, fear& their partners being at the concert!! Don't be you'll make me cry. I'm not even touching on Austin and her relationship, but I will say "beautiful and natural" becomes a regular thing she says.

Popstar!gf knows she not supposed to ran, jump, and kiss Hasan at the end of the show, especially not when she premiers Slut! but she can't help herself. Partly because Slut! got such a great reception from the audience, partly from post performance adrenaline, but mostly because she's never had someone wait for at the stage door after a performance and is just over come by her love and adoration for Hasan.

The entire time they're in their little bubble,they have the most love struck look on their faces, and during that time neither of them are letting go of eachother.

The next day, Hasan's stream is just full of chat asking so many questions and sending tiktok that people have made of the two of you with the audio of Slut! from the concert behind it. You wake up to much the same, but also lots of calls from you team.

But ya'know it's worth it for once.

[lykegenia]

7, 8 and 10 for Leah and Nate, if you want to, hehe. I adore Leah so much and it’s so fun to watch the push and pull that these two have 💙💙

It warms my heart that you have such fondness for Leah! I'm currently battling a cold so I'll try to be coherent, but I'll take any excuse to talk about her and Nate so thank you for thte opportunity XD 💜

(ask list here)

7. Do they (or would they) pursue the other character’s affection, and if so, how? Do they tell the other character how they feel? Try to earn their admiration? Woo them with romantic gestures? Flirt with them, skillfully or otherwise?

Of the two of them, Nate is definitely the more active pursuer in their relationship. Not only does he shower her with gifts and homecooked meals and just consideration, he shares his feelings with Leah with a frankness and regularity that she very much does not know how to deal with having come from such an affection-starved home. It gets quite frustrating for her at times because she can't work out what response is expected from her when he does this, and she's extremely invested in getting the 'right' answer (because, of course, if she gets it wrong her instincts say he'll leave and it'll be devastating).

When they're a little further into the relationship and she feels more secure, however, she tries to mirror him with romantic gestures, though maybe not consciously. She's fond of teasing him, and though important words are still difficult (they're binding, and real, and can't be taken back) she lets him know how she feels in other ways.

8. What do they think about romantic love? Do they have baggage surrounding it? Do they idealize it? Is it an object of longing and wanting, or were they really not thinking about it until they started falling for the other character? What are their expectations like?

Between past disappointments (thanks, Bobby) and the lack of a social script for her to follow, Leah finds her romantic feelings for Nate absolutely terrifying at first. Just the fact that his smallest action has the ability to inflluence her mood for the entire day is an unacceptable loss of control, especially considering how independent she is. At the same time, it's so easy to want it, and though she assumed it was something she would never have the chance to experience (it's easier to blame fate than to admit she thinks she's unlovable) being in Nate's arms makes the world feel right in a way it never has before.

Nate, on the other hand, has spent three hundred years yearning for the kind of idealised love he imagines his mother shared with his birth father, and to have all that yearning finally pay off after so many false starts feels like a fairy tale. Leah's uncertainty over the whole thing distresses him not just because it hurts to cause her any kind of pain, but also because he has a deep, abiding fear that he'll end up feeling a love that goes unrequited. But he does his best to hide it, because it also hurts to think he's pressuring her into an ideal he can't force into existence. All he can do is wait and hope that she feels the same way.

10. What scares them about entering a relationship?

For Leah it all revolves around a loss of independence, or rather, gaining a dependence on someone else. She shouldn't need to rely on another person to feel happy, or achieve her goals - especially since,in her experience, everyone always leaves eventually. It's vulnerable and chaotic and unpredictable and it really messes with her head.

Now that he's found Leah, Nate's biggest fear is losing her, and by extension, the lengths he would go to to keep her. His overprotective streak doesn't stop at outside threats, but also his own past and the darker parts of himself that could drive her away - the irony being that keeping those parts hidden might have the same effect in the end.

[defeatsthem]

“📔” FOR MJSEFF I AINT EVER SENT SOMETHING SO FAST

TW for anyone that might read this, as this extremely dark au has already been discussed with @twotonesoffun. Read this with the utmost caution.

MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING: depression, suicidal thoughts and ideation

This takes place after Max's surgery and beyond. All he could do with his free time was mull over every stupid thing he'd ever done or said in his life.

Day 1:

Yesterday you left. I don't blame you for it one bit. You should've left. Matter of fact, you shouldn't have ever even shown up at the hospital at all. I keep staring at the bottle, the temptation to grab a fistful of pills and just end it right here is so tempting without you here. This house is so bare and I never realized how empty it was until your laughter wasn't here to fill it.

Day 13:

Thirteen days post-surgery. My knee still hurts like a fucking bitch. I won't lie, the worst part isn't getting out of bed by myself or having to resort to an in-house nurse in the meantime to take care of me now. It's humiliating. My fingertip keeps hovering over your name in my contacts, wanting to send a message but I don't dare to. Instead, I just open the video of me fucking that blonde woman to remind myself why I hate myself. Still, the temptation to take all those leftover painkillers lingers. I dunno why I haven't done it yet.

Day 42:

Physical therapy is getting easier, I guess. I can finally get off crutches in a few weeks but... whatever. It's been three weeks since the New Year holiday came and went and I can't believe it's been nearly a year since Seth and I hooked up at that rest top for the first time. I still remember how he felt... how I felt. It's forever engrained in my brain no matter how many times I wanna just forget about him because I'm ninety - nine percent certain he's forgotten about me already. I really need to stop directing this journal to him so maybe with this entry, it'll force me to.

Day 99:

Fuck, I miss you. I almost sent a message to you today, asking you how you were as if you'd even fucking respond. I at least finally flushed the rest of my meds down the toilet finally. They were burning a hole in my chest every single fucking night sitting on my nightstand. It was hard to discard the only thing you'd ever race to see me for. Fuck, I'm writing about him again when I said I wouldn't.

Day 273:

Nine fucking months. I was told I'd be out for an entire year but I'm a damn machine apparently. The past nine months have been an absolute mindfuck, but weirdly enough, it was necessary. I had to be on the brink of killing myself to see what I really wanted out of life. All I want is for him to be by my side again. Luckily, after getting some insider knowledge, I was able to find out where RAW is tomorrow night. I'm gonna go see him again. I can't be caught by security or talent otherwise I'll be kicked out immediately and probably arrested for breaking and entering into his bus but... at this point? I don't have much else to lose.

Day 274:

I'm burning this motherfucking journal right away tomorrow regardless of what happens in the next couple of hours. No one can know I even did this shit or sounded like such a whiny teenager bitch, okay? I can hear his music playing and I'm watching the show, sipping back an IPA from his fridge. The same kind that was in there the first time we met. He never changed, did he? He shouldn't. I can also smell that body wash he loves lingering throughout this entire thing. I don't dare make a sound since his driver is right outside, mingling with the crew. [THREE HOURS LATER.] I can hear his music playing again. He must've done the dark match after the show. At least it gave me some more time to get mentally prepared to see him again. I feel nauseous. Maybe I shouldn't have come...this was so fucking dumb of me. Shit. I hear his voice outside... here goes nothing.

[artaxlivs]

Not gonna lie, I immediately was like "where's the rest?" And then saw your request and thought, "Do I really have to pay attention in this Monday morning work meeting? Nah...I'll write a part two for this instead." So here you go, OP. Hope it works for you 💜

He promised Robin that he wouldn't cave to Eddie's apology right away. That Steve would let him talk it out and go home to sleep on it, really think about it before he made any rash decisions. And when he made the promise, he thought he could keep it. That it was the smart thing to do. Because he'd always had a soft spot for Eddie. And a day hadn't gone by since 1986 that Steve hadn't loved Eddie. Even after everything.

But now, in this moment, with the detritus of their long ago break up strewn around them in picked apart pieces, with the box he'd been storing his emotions now emptied out into the space between them, Steve could not keep that promise.

Because he's already been here. He was eight years old standing in the hallway, plush carpet cushioning his feet while he listened to his father crying, swearing he would never cheat again, begging his mom to stay, to give him another chance. Then he's been a ten year old, rooted to that same spot, hearing the same promise. Then again at twelve, the carpet less plush and the tears less earnest. Then fourteen. Then sixteen.

And he knows he doesn't have to go home to think about it. Because he's not going to be his mother. He's not going to lose himself in his need to be loved back. Living from apology to apology is no way to live a life.

"All the movies and the books have me accepting your apology and living happily ever after," Steve tells Eddie with a voice wet from tears he hasn't shed yet, "But those movies and books never tell you what happens once you move your boundary back for a person. They never tell you that you'll always be moving it. That this time becomes next time and the time after that."

Wiping a tear from his cheek with the heel of a shaking hand, Eddie nods, already accepting, like he knew before he came here that he didn't deserve forgiveness, let alone a second chance.

"This, Eddie," Steve tells him, waving at the empty air between them, "this is boundary. This is the line I'm drawing in the sand."

Eddie sucks in a too big breath and it sounds like it catches in his chest, a strangled sob held in by sheer will. He wraps his pale arms around his faded band T-shirt, looking so much like he did when he was a scared twenty year old pretending to know what the fuck he was doing. Steve's heart breaks a little because they weren't ready. Neither of them had been ready to find the love of their lives in the Upside Down and then try to navigate that kind of love while they were still basically kids. Before either of them had even figured themselves out yet.

It wasn't fair to expect them to know how love like that yet.

Steve takes the steps he needs to to close the distance between them, tugs Eddie's hands free until their clutched in his own. "This isn't a second chance. It's still the first chance. Because we weren't ready yet, to grow up, to be who we were. To be secure in what we had. So no, you can't have a second chance because I love myself enough to never give those." Eddie's cries a little harder, chest shuddering because Steve knows he doesn't get it yet. Still thinks this is the end.

Cupping Eddie's cheeks, Steve swipes at the tears with his thumbs, "We aren't going to be perfect, no one is. There is no real happily ever after. There is only the after where we both work to respect each other while we share the ever part." Eddie's eyes widen, hope dawning on his face where none had been before.

In a wobbly, hushed voice, Eddie asks, "What if I run away again?" His lip trembles and the shame overshadows the hope. Eclipses it.

"You might. And I'll let you, because sometimes it's okay to run away. But this time, it'll be to another room, or outside. Because you know where the line is now. And this time you know that I'll be waiting for you to come back and talk when you're ready. And that if you don't...." Steve trails off, presses their foreheads together, breathes out slowly, "Because, yes, I love you. But I love me, too."

And it will kill him. It will break him into a thousand pieces to walk away if this happens again. But Steve will do it. Because his mother was never whole after that second chance she'd given his dad. And it was so much easier for her to crumble when she was already cracked and broken. Long ago, he'd thought that love meant forgiving someone but now he knows that love means choosing yourself.

It's less than six months later when a heated argument sends Eddie spiraling from their living room. His heart flapping in his chest like a trapped bird, the fear of fucking it all up chasing him from the house like some kind of soul sucking monster. There's even a moment just after he peels out of the driveway that he thinks, "I could just keep going." But he doesn't, he drives down the block, parks, closes his eyes and catches his breath, reminds himself where the line is and what he would lose if he crossed it.

When Eddie returns to the house an hour later, he finds Steve in the kitchen, cleaning because cleaning is Steve's running. Eddie thanks Steve for letting him run, letting him clear his head. They talk it out. Like adults. Like partners. Like two people who love and respect each other's boundaries. Because that's what you do when you choose to love someone in the ever after.

Sometimes they yell, sometimes they disagree, sometimes they're so in love it's disgusting to everyone around them. They often laugh, finish each other's sentences, eat the last cookie, push each other in the pool, do the little things that annoy each other daily. And they live happily, and sadly, and madly and painfully and lovingly....ever after.

"can you read the letter for me?"

It’s been years.

Four years to be exact.

Eddie left and he didn’t come back, he didn’t even visit, he barely even called.

And he certainly never called Steve.

So the letter showing up with a return address in Chicago confused him.

Chicago wasn’t even that far away. Eddie could have come by, he could have stopped in for Christmas or something.

He kept the letter on his bedside table for days, glaring at it, ignoring it, picking it up and starting to open the envelope only to set it back down.

Robin wasn’t gonna let him keep doing it though, not when she saw the want in his eyes.

“Okay. You have to read it.”

“I don’t want to.”

“I don’t care.”

“Can you read the letter for me?”

Robin sighed, but reached for it.

She opened it quickly, didn’t want to give Steve time to back out.

Stevie,

Sorry it’s been a while. I’m not sure why I let it go this long without writing or calling or visiting, but it just felt easier.

I don’t know if you keep up with the band or anything, but we’re taking a break while I get my head on right. I worked myself too hard, ended up in the hospital. I’m okay. Or I will be. I’m trying to be.

Part of my break is supposed to be visiting Hawkins. Wayne insisted I stay for at least a few weeks so I didn’t want you to be surprised to see me around town.

I know things didn’t end well with us. I know I hurt you and that I kept hurting you by not talking to you. I know I owe you more than one apology and I owe you more than what’s written in this letter, but I hope this is a start.

I’m sorry for thinking that I couldn’t have you and the band at the same time. I’m sorry for not telling you how important you were and are and always will be to me. I’m sorry that I’ve written entire albums about you and haven’t bothered to call. I’m sorry that I put myself in this position and still hope for forgiveness.

I’m sorry for being too much and not enough at the same time.

I hope we get a chance to talk in person. I want to tell you I’m sorry in person, but I understand if you don’t want to. I want to be able to see you, but I know that’s not a right anymore.

Hopefully see you soon,

Eds

“Well, that’s certainly a letter,” Robin said.

“Yeah,” Steve choked out.

“You never told me what happened before he left,” she said softly, not pressuring him to talk, but curious.

“Not much to say. We were talking about a future. Getting an apartment. Telling everyone about us. Maybe someday trying to adopt kids! But then suddenly the next week he was telling me he had to move with the band and take a chance. I offered to come with him and he said no, so. Here we are.”

“Oh. Wow, I hate him.”

“I don’t. That’s the problem.”

“So you’re gonna try to talk to him when he’s here?”

Steve considered it.

He deserved answers at the very least. He deserved to know why he wasn’t worth more effort, why the band was more important, why everything they talked about went out the window.

“Yeah. I think I need to.”

[fayeimara]

Miya Osamu || Little Delights | First Meeting

SUMMARY. Osamu can't help but be intrigued when his daughter starts bringing home delicious desserts prepared by her best friend's mother.

PAIRING. You x Miya Osamu

GENRE. Fluff <3

WARNINGS. Suggestive content

Haikyuu! Anthology Series | It's Fate When Your Kids Are Friends

OSAMU | First Meeting > Second Date > Third Time's The Charm > Four Is Our Family

Osamu's made it just in time, right as the bell tolls to signal the end of his daughter's second day in her new school year. Standing back as a swarm of kids rush out of the brick building and into the arms of their waiting parents, he takes a moment to breathe and relax. Juggling his burgeoning restaurant with being a single parent isn't an easy job, but he wouldn't trade it for anything.

He stands taller than many of the other adults around him and it's evident his little girl has no problem seeking him out as a black, red, and grey blur races towards him, a thrilled, "Papa!" reaching his ears and splitting his mouth into a wide, happy grin.

His arms are already open in a silent but enthusiastic response as he crouches down and then the bite-sized impact of his daughter is rocking him back on his heels, his reaction overly exaggerated as he pretends to almost fall over from the small force of nature that's all Miya Izumi.

Standing back up, Samu catches sight of another little girl who was trailing behind, wide eyes studying him before shifting to Zumi, his daughter turning back around to wave at her, proclaiming the girl as her 'bestest friend in the whole wide world'. The girl returns Zumi's enthusiastic wave with a quick raise of her small hand before her attention is caught by a pretty young woman, her own wide smile replacing her previously hesitant expression as she's warmly enveloped into welcoming arms with kisses peppered on her cheeks and forehead.

Her delighted giggles reach Osamu and his daughter as they turn around, hand in hand, to walk back to his car, small interaction soon forgotten as his little munchkin lists off the snacks she's looking forward to having on their return to his shop. She won't be able to finish half that list, he bets to himself with a quiet chuckle at his daughter's inherited exuberance for food as he securely buckles her into car.

It's not until they reach his second pride and joy, Onigiri Miya, that he finds the first little surprise tucked away in Izumi's not so empty lunchbox. When he inquires about the remarkably delicious looking set of biscuits he certainly didn't pack for her that morning, his daughter's response is that it's a thank you gift from her bestest friend, Reina, for the lunch she'd shared with the girl on her first day.

Well, a six year old certainly didn't bake these from the looks of it. It's only confirmed by his first taste, the texture and flavour beyond even most consistent home bakers, let alone a young child. Right? But a more pressing thought flags his attention, first.

"Did your friend not have her own lunch?"

"She did! We split because hers wasn't so good, even though her mama put so much love into it. But the treats were so much better so we decided to go halfsies and have best of both!" His daughter giggles with the oblivious sweet innocence of a child.

"And what about today?"

"Mhm. Same. But I liked the chocolate brownies yesterday much much better!"

Samu chuckles at her excitement and can't help but tease his precocious daughter, "Oh, and was it better than papa's food?"

Zumi's eyes widen as she contemplates the question with all the adorable seriousness she can muster, but loyalty must break free and run because her reply is, "Almost! So close, but I love papa's cooking more than anything in the whole wide world."

It seems the whole wide world is the current standard of measurement for first graders, but he appreciates the heartfelt sentiment behind her loving words.

After another moment of consideration, Osamu settles on the thought chewing at him and decides that tomorrow his daughter won't be giving up a portion of his food which she loves so much. No, she'll have double the amount to do with whatever she may please.

So briefly, that he doesn't even ponder on the sudden image, he's reminded of the warm reunion he witnessed between the little girl and the woman who he'd assumed was her nanny, but concludes is probably the girl's young mother. Based on the number of treats Zumi brought back, Samu's certain the woman had to have thoughtfully made extras of these baked goods for her daughter to have more than enough to share with friends and then some.

Well, it's definitely no skin off his back to make his daughter even the slightest bit happier by being able to help her share her savoury little delights with her new bestest friend.

It's on the third day of your daughter's return from her new school year that you're able to confirm that something is indeed amiss. The previous two days, the small portions of her lunch left uneaten were questionable, given her voracious appetite, however, when she returns with the lunch you made for her today still sitting wholly untouched in her cute little lunchbox, you finally sit her down to ask about it.

Her response is far from what you expected, "My friend's papa made extra lunch so we could both have something yummy to eat!"

You press your lips together to hide your amusement as you teasingly inquire, "Oh? Is that so? And I guess that means mama's food isn't so yummy after all."

Her eyes widen in dismay and mouth opens in an immediate denial that you know would be a lie to soothe your feelings. Even at such a young age, your beautiful baby girl is truly a kind and compassionate soul, she would dutifully eat anything you prepared no matter how lacking the meal might be and never utter a word to tell you the obvious truth.

Before she can manage to find the right words to faithfully express how much she loves your cooking, you lean in to kiss her on the forehead and pull back with a laugh, gathering her in your arms for a warm hug. "Oh baby, I'm so sorry I can't make you the food you deserve. But please don't ever feel the need to say otherwise to spare my feeling, okay? You should always be honest about what you like or don't like."

Her little arms find their way around you as she snuggles in, voice soft and words like a wise, old soul when she denies, "But your food is made with so much love mama. Zumi says some people are just better at other things. We both think you make the best yummies."

"The best yummies, hm?" You think about the various baked goods you add in to balance out for the healthy but tasteless lunches you're able to prepare.

They are indeed good, but baking has always been something that comes more naturally to you than cooking. An interesting distinction not many people might accept, but for you the former has always been an effortless science whereas the latter is more of a difficult art.

"Well I'm really glad you like those, but we do need to figure out what to do so you're not picking at your friends' food or going hungry."

She pulls back to send a serious look your way, exclaiming, "But I'm not picking at it, I promise. Zumi said her papa made extra just for me!"

You take a moment to consider her words. She made a similar implication in her earlier statement, that her friend's dad had made extra for them both. What does that mean? Did his daughter ask him to because she was sharing her food with Reina? Or did he somehow grasp the situation and is simply being generous?

A warm burn threatens your cheeks as you consider the awkwardness of accepting such a gesture from a complete stranger. While you appreciate the kindness of Reina's friend and her dad, it still somehow feels like a terrible imposition, as if you've burdened them somehow with your lack of skills to keep your child happily fed.

It's not like you can't cook good, healthy food. You're just painfully aware how bland the food you make can be, unless you spend three times the amount of time as anyone else would need to in order to prepare similar meals. But... studying the smile that's on your daughter's face, you can't help the twinge in your heart that reminds you how much more her happiness is worth than your pride.

You won't assume this will be a daily occurrence and you'll continue to make your daughters lunches so she never goes without, however, it'll be no extra trouble for you to make double the batch of baked goods than usual. After all, you usually account for the fact that she'll be sharing with friends and classmates anyways.

However, you're now determined there will be enough delicious snacks for Reina to share not only around at school, but also some treats for her sweet friend Izumi to take home for her generous parents. Perhaps, you think, it might be prudent to include a short message, thanking the man for his thoughtful effort.

Silent gratitude isn't very much to anyone ~ (So I hope you and your family will accept these.) Thank you for your kindness, Miya-san.

Osamu blinks, unaware of the small smile that curves his lips as he reads the delicate, handwritten note carefully wrapped around one of the cupcakes Izumi brought back home today. There are only three of the original twelve left, apparently, but the one he's just bitten into is as incredible as expected.

If he's correct in his assumption from the note addressed directly to him and included with today's delightful treats, then the little girl's mother has picked up on his small action and is returning the gesture to convey her thanks. The thought is confirmed by his daughter explaining that one of each of the three cupcakes is for their family.

Three for their family? Hm. Well, it's just him and Zumi, but he's sure his brother will be all over the remaining offering when he visits tonight. If there's any left for him that is. Probably won't be, it's really just that good and anyways, he doesn't need Atsumu nosing his way into this simple exchange as it is.

The following day, Friday morning, Samu pens back his own note, assuring the woman that no thanks is necessary. There's no reason for her to express her gratitude over what's really such a simple action for him.

That evening, he and Zumi enjoy some quality mochi delivered in a white, rectangular box with a pretty decently hand-drawn background scene at a spring festival on the cover. Two little girls, one that looks remarkably like his daughter and the other like her best friend, hold hands in the centre of the street dressed in traditional yukata and sharing a box of what he assumes is mochi.

As they much into the chewy treats, he watches and listens as his daughter points out the bright colours she and her friend chose to fill into what was apparently initially a blank canvas for them to colour on. Her delight at having a pink and grey yukata, even if only in a drawing, prompting him to make a mental note about looking into the clothing and any upcoming festivals.

Osamu makes a point of saving the box, childlike scribbles over the simple sketch leaving a warm feeling in his chest and a slightly wider smile gracing his mouth.

The response he receives the Monday evening (from his penned message the Friday before) is enough to prompt a full smirk that, this time, doesn't go unnoticed by him. The woman showed an interesting sense of humour and gracious acceptance with the first cupcake note. Then, a sweet and thoughtful disposition with the drawing included as part of the soft treat for the girls Friday.

But now, Samu sees a challenging firmness in her reply to his easy brush off of her thanks, delicate lines yet again adorning the small card carefully tucked into a pretty red ribbon that's tied around and decorating another white, rectangular box.

Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it ~ So please accept this gift without concern.

Sitting inside are four differently coloured, rounded treats that look familiar but he can't place off the top of his head. A quick search identifies the delicate confections as macarons, the colorful delights an absolute wonder as the airy crunch of the top and bottom shells simultaneously give way to a firm filling with the first bite, the sweet flavour almost dissolving on his tongue.

He and Zumi finish the box off in minutes, three of each flavour included to a total of four different flavours, so both he and his daughter each get seconds of their respective favourites.

The next morning, filled with anticipation at what new surprises you might include with the goods you send today, he's fully aware of the grin that stretches his face as he writes out a note of his own for you to receive later this evening.

The macarons were inspiring. Izumi and I definitely won't turn away any gifts you'd like to send our way. I wonder... what other surprises do you have up your sleeve? I sent a little something your way to inspire you too. - M. Osamu

The neatly written note returned, once again, on the back of the small rectangular card you'd last sent, brings a warm smile to your face. The various onigiri that came along with it, apparently with specific instructions communicated from Izumi to Reina that today's additional quantity is set aside for you specifically, stretches the amused curl of your lips into a delighted grin.

You split each of the four different types of rice balls with your daughter, listening to her input on the delicious food as she points out her order of most to least favourite. Although there's not a single one you wouldn't eat on any given day if given the choice, the food is simply divine.

Your note the following day is a compliment to the chef, with a cheeky inquiry as to what deities one must pray to in order to make food like that. His response is a swift rebuttal asking what cruel gods bless some with the skills to cook but others with the skills to bake, ironically echoing your own thoughts from the previous week.

So goes the back and forth for weeks, notes getting cuter, sassier, and more personal as jokes, challenges, and encouragements alike are enclosed among the lunches of two excited little girls, their own bond strengthening with this unique camaraderie between their parents, until you feel the peculiar sense that you know the man on the other end, without ever even having actually met him.

Then, one day, three weeks into the first exchange, you receive a note that makes your heart beat in your throat at the unspoken challenge which raises the stakes of the now familiar routine. It's a simple response to your unassuming request for the onigiri recipes you initially received as the first returned delight, a meal you and Reina have been craving since the first taste.

I can do one better and teach you. xxx-xxx-xxxx. - Osamu

There's no reason to be shy or hesitant, is there? After all, it's a kind offer that will only serve you and Reina well with your future attempts at her lunches. You can't count on Miya Osamu's kindness forever.

Fingers still shaking, you dial the number enclosed within and find the call picked up before the first ring even finishes.

"I wasn't sure ya'd actually call."

Oh, wow, that's a voice to melt hearts alright. You're still smiling as you immediately reply in beat, with the easy familiarity of your shared repartee over the last few weeks, "With an offer like that, how could I not?"

He's quiet for a second and you start to lose your smile, suddenly worrying that perhaps you've acted too familiarly with a man that's all but a stranger and offended him. But his next words, slowly expelled in a lazy but thoughtful drawl, have your heart beating fast for an entirely different reason, "I had a feeling ya'd sound as pretty as ya write."

Now you're the one that's silent but it's entirely because you're at a loss for words, this quietly charming man having stolen them right from the tip of your tongue.

A low chuckle breaks what you realized was actually somehow still a remarkably comfortable silence and then his delicious voice reaches you again, "I hope I didn't scare ya voice away. It'd be a shame now that I've only just heard it."

Okay so he's maybe much more of a flirt than the subtle hints you'd noticed over the notes, but then again, they were delivered through your daughters as messengers so it would be reasonable he would have toned it down. Then again, what kind of man flirts with a woman he's never met previously? He doesn't even know what you look like. Have you captured his interest solely through your mutual correspondence?

You almost snort, catching your thoughts and feeling like you're the main character to some historical romance. Maybe during a world war era. Mutual correspondence. Right. What are you even thinking? He's got you flustered already.

"Funny. I would never have imagined you would sound so pretty from the way you write." You're tempted to arch an eyebrow with your audible smirk but then you remember that it's not like he can see it.

"Ya think my voice is pretty, do ya?" His tone is full with soft satisfaction, "Maybe ya can tell me if it's better in person."

"And here I thought the offer on the table was for learning a delicious recipe."

You swear you hear the smile in his response, "Sounds like yer in either way."

"Sounds like I am." You concede in mock resignation but you're painfully aware that your words and following sigh sound more like a promise.

You and Reina find the charming storefront quite easily from Samu's instructions. It's finally the weekend, several days since your first call with him, and your handwritten notes have now upgraded into convenient, daily text messages.

He's definitely confident and teasing but not quite the overt flirt you briefly considered he might be from a few days ago. In fact, he's more calm and grounded, even if he can be a smooth talker, but you've quickly found that what came across as flirtatious was actually just him being honestly direct. Which is both exciting and flattering enough to make you nervous for this first real meeting today.

A soft chime sounds as you open the door to usher Reina through before following her in yourself. The first thing your eyes land on is a small girl running to your daughter like a heat seeking missile and the two collide in an adorably sweet hug, somehow understanding each other while seemingly talking simultaneously.

With a small smile on your face, you take a moment to survey your surroundings and find your bearings in this unfamiliar space. It's not an overly large area, focusing more on a cozy, comfortable atmosphere emphasized by the deliciously welcoming smell of various foods that make you feel right at home.

Your eyes run over the bar with stools lined against it before you do a double take, finally noticing the dark haired man that's leaning with his arms crossed against a door frame beyond it, watching as you examined his space.

He must be able to tell he's slightly startled you as an amused smile stretches his lips and he dips his head ever so slightly in greeting. "Welcome to Onigiri Miya."

"Thank you for inviting us, Miya-san." You bite your lip at your automatic formality, already certain what he's going to say next.

And he doesn't disappoint, eyebrow arching as he uncrosses his arms and, finally, steadily makes his way towards you, "I already told ya to call me Osamu. Or Samu."

Now you're smiling again because the situation is definitely out of the ordinary, the level of familiarity you feel with a man you're seeing for the first time can only be considered unusual. You take a moment to study him as he stops just before you, tall build with broad shoulders and a handsome face that looks like it belongs on a heartbreaker not a homemaker.

Your fingers itch to push back the locks of his hair peeking out from under his dark cap and falling over on side of his forehead, if only to have an excuse to run your hands through it. But that's definitely not appropriate no matter how comfortable you might already feel with this easygoing man.

"Right... Osamu, then. And of course, you can call me Y/n."

"Yer name and looks suit ya, just like yer voice and handwriting." He's got a small smile on his own face now and you're not sure if he's aware he basically just called you pretty. He doesn't really seem to do this on purpose, from what you've gathered.

You beam at him regardless and volley back, "Well, I can say the same for you too."

And for a brief second, that small smile splits into a quick grin that stutters the already erratic beat of your heart. Oh yes, this man is certifiably lethal in all the best ways.

"I'm happy to hear it. Now, let's sit ya down with the girls while I grab some things."

Izumi has already led Reina to a table by the window and Osamu gestures their way as he moves to lock the door behind where you came in and then moves off to the kitchen behind the bar again.

You notice with a little apprehension that the girls are sitting next to each other on one side of the booth still giddily talking together (although not over each other anymore) about friends and weekend plans and such, but you're not going to be the anxious oddball that separates them for seemingly no reason. Even if you're already sure of the overthinking you'll be doing at the thought of Samu sitting next to you in the booth.

He doesn't seem to think about it at all as he easily slides in, smoothly setting a plate and a tray with cups, glasses and a couple pitchers on the table just as you feel the left side of his body line up against your right. Okay, yeah, because this is totally normal for you. Not.

You hope neither he and especially not either of the kids can tell you're flustered, even as you feel the heat creep up your neck and flirt with your cheeks. Yup, normal day, normal day. Just a regular day with a new friend.

"Here ya go." You just hold yourself back from jumping when he hands you a cup from the tray and then leans over to pour what looks and smells like tea from one of the pitchers. If you're not going crazy, he's pressed even more against you for those long seconds, completely in your space even if it's not unwelcome.

He either knows exactly what he's doing or he's just one of those people that's never paid mind to polite social norms and rules of conduct that many prefer. While you're calming yourself down, he's already poured the girls juice from the second pitcher into their glasses and set out quarter plates in front of everyone.

You finally focus enough to take in the still steaming gyoza on the plate he'd placed down in the middle with confusion and ask, "I thought we would be making onigiri and eating it for lunch?"

"Of course, but I couldn't put ya to work on an empty stomach."

"Mhm." You give him a dubious look, you might have mentioned your early breakfast in one of your texts to him this morning, but you have a feeling that this is also an effort to make you and Reina feel comfortable in this space together instead of getting right into the cooking lessons planned for the day.

It's an incredibly thoughtful effort and that warm flush is threatening you again so you choose to tease him and deflect instead, "Somehow, I feel it's more about your empty stomach but okay, let's go with your version instead."

You lose the fight with the flush and flutters when he chuckles at your sassy retort, especially since you literally feel the vibrations melt from his body and into yours with the way he's still somewhat pressed into you. Does the man not have enough space in his own booth? Actually... you notice you can move closer to the window yourself since there's quite a bit of space on your side too but, then again, it would be a little obvious to shift now.

The girls pick up the fried dumplings by hand with happy exclamations as they bite right into theirs, you and Osamu following suit but not before placing another two on the plates in front of each of them and then splitting the remaining ones between you.

With a dip into the soy and vinegar sauce (chili excluded for the girls), you quickly bite into the first one and savour the sudden burst of flavour in your mouth. Oh wow, yes, this is exactly what your cooking is missing. This addictive, tasteful quality that makes you want multiple helpings of whatever's being served.

With a glance from the corner of your eye to the right, you meet Osamu's eyes studying your reaction and decide to ask the question on your mind, "You made these yourself right?"

"I did."

"Okay, they're hands down the best gyoza I've ever had." You compliment him genuinely before giving in to the urge to  tease him yet again because the flutters are back, if they ever even left, and you can't have him knowing just how much he affects you, "But who ever heard of serving gyoza in an onigiri shop?"

He must catch the light, teasing tone because he just smirks and throws right back, "Well if they're as good as ya say, maybe I should expand the menu."

"Oh no, don't do that!" You laugh with wide eyes, "Then Reina and I will never find space when we try to come back here during regular hours! Actually, I'm sure you're already always packed, hm?"

"Some days and times less than others, but there will always be space for the two of ya whenever ya want to visit again."

Oh yeah, it's a losing battle, the flutters are a full on tsunami of feelings now. Just push it away and chill. But then he adds, "And I can teach ya this recipe too. Anytime there's something ya like or want to try, just let me know. I'm sure we can make an amazing cook outta ya yet."

Your mouth drops open followed by your blurted question, "Why are you helping me so much? I'm sure this is a lot of time and effort for you too."

You hear the girls' conversation pause as they pick up on some subtle change in either your body language or demeanour, but Osamu's calm eyes just meet your wide ones, his lips sliding into a soft smile, as he simply answers, "Because I like ya."

You feel like you're back in grade school because you want to ask if he means that he 'like' likes you or just... likes you. But there's no way you're going to ask that question, not only because it feels a bit asinine but because that's not a conversation to start in front of both of your daughters.

You look over to the girls who are watching with beaming smiles, maybe happy their parents are good friends just like the two of them, and you return their wide grins with a reassuring one of your own before looking back into steady grey eyes. "Well, I really appreciate your help. Thank you, Osamu."

"I'd say no thanks needed, but I've been down that road before." Another quick, heart-stopping grin graces his face, this one almost as roguish as his tone is playful. He's definitely referring to your initial correspondence when you made a firm point against his initial brush off, as if his actions in making extra lunch for your daughter to enjoy wasn't incredibly thoughtful and certainly out of his way.

"Well you certainly catch on quick. Let's just hope I can say the same." Your playful smile turns into a grimace at the thought of how difficult it might be to actually improve your skills. Maybe it's just a question of talent? Maybe you're just never going to be able to reproduce food like him.

But he glances over to catch your frown just in time and reassures, "I know what I'm doing. Soon enough, you will too. Just say you'll keep supplying me and Zumi with yer baking every once in a while when ya don't need us anymore."

You know he's probably joking with the last part but you hadn't planned on stopping. You love to share the goodies you bake with the people in your and Reina's life, it makes the two of you pretty happy so you're sure Izumi and Osamu will be able continue enjoying your baked goods to their heart's content.

"Izumi will definitely get her share of sweets and snacks every day." You send a smile her way when she hears you and bounces excitedly in her seat but then you force yourself to drop it and face Osamu with a challenging look instead, "But you... well, I guess we'll have to wait and if you're as good as you say and maybe then you can get some too."

He places a closed hand to his chest as if he's been struck, the girls laughing at his overdramatic reaction, but his widening smile gives him away. You look at each other for a suspended moment, with shared amusement but also the teasing heat of something else reflected in his achromatic eyes, which makes you certain he picked up on the unintended double entendre in your words.

"Sounds like a promise." Then with an arched eyebrow at the empty plates and cups in front of everyone, Samu asks, "So shall we get started?"

You agree, helping him clean up the table and he takes the opportunity to help you and Reina familiarize yourselves with the kitchen. The rest of the afternoon is spent in an equally easy cadence as he does indeed walk you through the steps of making his recipes, flavours included.

He starts with the simplest option, yaki onigiri, which is just fried rice shaped in a triangle or oval, and then demonstrates how to make and add a few of your and Reina's favourite fillings in to change and enhance the flavour. The girls enjoy making their own mini rice balls alongside the two of you and the time flies until you're all back at the table and having the onigiri you've just made for lunch.

You can't deny there's an improvement already but your little rice balls are still nowhere near the level of skill and flavour of Osamu's, even though he and the girls all assure you that you've done a great job. You accept their compliments with a smile and the determination to keep at it on your own time until you improve even further because Reina deserves better than even this.

By the time you finish eating, the girls are unsurprisingly tired out and choose to stay at the table to watch a Disney movie with Izumi's iPad. You can't help but smile in amusement while watching Osamu grab the thing from behind the bar, tapping away on the clunky looking device which is perfect for Izumi with a thick, pink rubber cover protecting it from grade-schooler level damage.

After the movie's been set up for the two worn out little munchkins, you and Osamu head back into the kitchen for him to show you how to make the gyoza and the next hour slips away with more teasing jokes, increasingly heated looks, and slightly bolder touches.

You can close your eyes and now know the feel of Osamu's hands on yours, demonstrating how to properly fold and pleat the wrappers. You can still feel the heat of his chest brush your back from when he leaned around you to pick up an empty bowl to place in the sink, and you're pondering on what feels like a heated brand on your hip where he lightly curved one hand to shift you over.

You can't deny your attraction to the man, a slow fall that you should have seen coming from the excitement of receiving his words every day until you were eagerly expecting the notes, to this first meeting where he's everything you expected from reading between his lines and even more.

Since the girls are pretty much full, you and Osamu clean off the new batch of gyoza between the both of you - him more than you, which you tease him about again. All the while, you're panicking about this new realization of your feelings, given that you're seriously crushing on a man who might only mean to help as a newfound friend and maybe you're the one reading too much into his interactions.

It's not until you've helped him clean up, collected the girls, and are watching him lock up the shop that you get some semblance of an answer.

"Thank you again Osamu. This was not only very instructive but Reina and I had a great time today."

He's holding Izumi's small hand in his, similar to Reina's in yours, and his other hand stretches up to rub at the back of his head, his arm bent at the elbow. When he speaks, it's not a direct response to your gratitude but a question instead, sounding somewhat unsure himself for the first time today, "How about next time we have a date that's more fun than instructive?"

Your jaw almost drops in surprise but you quickly collect yourself because he's still looking a little worried, maybe because he thinks he's overstepping by calling this a date or maybe because he's not sure you'll want another one even if you do accept that.

Your smile is quick to light up your face and, with a light squeeze from Reina's hand to yours accompanied by her and Izumi's giggles, you happily reply, "Just let me know when and where, and it's a date."

He grins again, the third time today your heart stops at what you're sure is usually a rarer sight since bodies aren't always dropping to the ground around him (that you've heard of). "I think I might already have something in mind."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, but let me look into it and get back to ya."

"Sounds like a promise."

With your final reply, a borrowed echo of his words to serve as a temporary goodbye, you and Reina split away from Izumi and Osamu. Heading for your car with once last look behind you, you're pleasantly unsurprised to find a flash of gunmetal grey also glancing back your way. Later that night, finished with your and Reina's joint skincare routine and having tucked her into bed, you find the expected��message waiting for you.

A/N: Okay wow I had SO much fun with this one! I hope you all do too <3 It's not triple edited per usual so please do let me know if you catch any errors or issues. No promises but probably dropping Atsumu’s First Meeting next ;)

Taglist: @yatoatyourservice, @crayonwriting

© 2021 fayeimara. All rights reserved. Please do not repost, modify, or claim as yours.

[serenityseventeen]

Love & Letter: To The Thirteen Boys I've Loved Before

The First Letter

-------------------

To: Choi Seungcheol

From: Y/N

Hi, Seungcheol.

I know that in your life, I've probably been a side character. A classmate in your autobiography or life movie. I don't expect to become anything more than that because now, I don't think I have a chance.

We've known each other since we were young. We've known each other for all of our life basically, right?

I can still remember what a cute kid you were back in kindergarten. You were such a nice little boy and whenever the other kids picked on me, you would stand up to them and say, “Hey! I'll tell the teacher and I'll also tell Y/N's parents about everything!”

I don't know if you remember that, but I do.

When we went to middle school, I think that's when I first began liking you. Even though we live just a block apart from each other, we didn't talk a lot outside of school. Since we were both classmates and knew each other's house location, it was a bit awkward for me, but thank you for talking to me when we waited for the bus at the bus stop together. Sometimes you would just briefly mention my hair or the small details like new shoes or socks.

Thinking about it still gives me hope that you like me.

Throughout middle school, you always fed me hope. Maybe because in general, you were just a charming, manly, attractive, and caring guy. Maybe I'm still misunderstanding too many of your actions.

I can remember so many times that my heart fluttered and my stomach filled with butterflies because of you, Seungcheol. Since this is a letter to you that I won't send, I guess I'll just write them all down here to keep as a memory, just in case I ever miss you or feel nostalgic. You're my first love, after all, Seungcheol.

There was this time when we were in 6th grade. In 6th grade, both of us didn't talk much, and surprisingly, we didn't get a lot of long-term projects together. I don't think we got any at all actually.

Anyway, it was the middle of spring and both of us were just hanging out with our group of friends. You were throwing around a paper ball, playing a game of catch with your friends during the break. I was just being the usual me, listening to my friends talk while drawing dancing cartoons in the empty spaces in my notebook. Sometimes I would glance up and catch a glimpse of you catching the ball.

Despite being in middle school, you had really large, muscular arms. I was watching you and your friend play catch for a bit. Your friend was right next to me, catching the ball, and you were on the opposite side. I turned back to my notebook then all of a sudden, the ball flew right in my face from your hands.

I let out a small “ouch” even though it didn't hurt. Your friend asked me if I was okay, to which I replied that I was fine. Just then, I don't know when you came, but you came in front of me and took my face in your hands. It only hit my forehead but you examined my cheeks, chin, nose, turning my face in all sorts of directions while asking “Are you okay? Are you hurt?” and saying “I'm so sorry” repeatedly. As I'm writing this, the lingering feeling of your warm palms holding my head and the side of my neck still makes my heart race. I didn't think my heart could beat so fast but it did. I think that's when I was sure I liked you more than a one-sided crush. It became a one-sided love for another two years.

There were way too many times my heart fluttered because of you but because this letter is already so long, I will only express my side of three of those times.

I hope this is an event that you remember. It was the day when you, me, and two other friends went to an amusement park. I think of this day as a double date. I can still remember my friend joking about how you and I looked so good together. I don't know if you noticed but I was so shy. She was also joking about how ‘this was a double date’ and because I was being paired up with you like that, I was just feeling over the moon. You didn't even say anything to deny it, you just laughed as I did.

I remember how your friend was convincing you to ride some rollercoasters but you were so afraid and whining. I remember just thinking you were so cute even though the memory is a bit blurry.

After that, because I wanted us to get closer, I said, “I'll ride it with you, it'll be okay.”

You were still skeptical but to me, it looked like you were giving in. I always wonder if it was because of me or if you were annoyed by your friend's continuous convincing. If it was because of me, then, I might regret not telling you my feelings.

Anyway, I rode the rollercoaster with you and I was, evidently, really scared. I was so scared to ride that thing that I was unintentionally screaming with you with my eyes shut. My hand was holding tightly onto the bar that secured us and I couldn't open my eyes at all. Just then, I felt your hand on mine and I could feel the courage to open my eyes. When I finally stopped yelling and opened my eyes, I saw that you still had your eyes squeezed, gripping my hand tightly.

You looked so cute, Seungcheol. If you opened your eyes, you would have seen how brightly I was smiling. Later that night, I remember, I rolled around in my bed and wiggled thinking back on it.

However, whenever I tried to get close with you, I always backed out because even though there are small moments like those I mentioned, there are more times where it seems like you don't like me the way that I like you. I don't know your heart and I know better than anyone that being friends with you would only make my love for you grow deeper.

It's the first time I'm feeling this way for anyone and I don't know what to do. I want to get closer and explicitly tell you that I like you and want you to date me, but at the same time, I don't know which decision is right. We're both still young is the only excuse I can think of, but still, I can't bring myself to tell you how I feel. All I know is that I might be in love with you and you make my heart race.

This is the last thing I'll share in this letter, even though you won't receive it. I just want to tell you my honest feelings that I can't tell you about physically. Yes, I'm being a coward and writing a letter like this.

You know, Seungcheol, you always had this strong aura to you. You can be so cute but you're so masculine too. I like how caring you are, always taking care of your classmates. I admire you for having such a great sense of responsibility. You always remind me when I'm on cleanup duty. Not to mention how charismatic you look when you rap alone at the bus stop. Your deep voice is beautiful when you sing too. I don't think you know how much I know about you. I don't want to seem creepy because these types of things are just things I can't help noticing. I don't even know why I'm writing this down, it just crossed my mind just now. I might as well pour out the rest of my heart to carve you out, right?

There was this one time last year, at the bus stop, when I arrived before you did. Usually, you always came to the bus stop first, and honestly, without you there made me feel uneasy. It made me realize a lot that your presence gave me feelings of reassurance and comfort. Without you there, I was so paranoid that I took out my headphones just in case my headphones would block out the sound of someone coming. I just remember feeling so scared, clenching my cold fists in my lap. The morning was gloomy and it was even raining.

I remember my mind racing, waiting for you to come. However, I was getting even more scared at the fact that I probably wouldn't be able to hear anything so I just wore my headphones again and listened to some music. I was looking down the sidewalk in the direction of my house, wondering if I should ask my father to drive me to school instead, when all of a sudden, you yanked out my headphones.

You were panting, covered in rain. I stood up because I was shocked and nearly wanted to hug you for coming but because we weren't close, I knew it'd be awkward if I thanked you or something. However, what you said to me, has always lingered in my head.

“Hey!” You shouted in a scolding tone, placing your hands on your hips. “What are you doing out here all alone? Why didn't you go back home and get an umbrella, it's raining so much! Plus, you could have waited until I came first until you decided to sit here alone with music blocking your ears! What are you, stupid!?”

At that time, I just stood, frozen. I was wondering why you didn't have an umbrella meanwhile my heart was fluttering. I was wondering why you were scolding me. Were you worried for me? Do you like me? Those questions still float around.

After scolding me, you sighed and apologized.

“No, it's okay,” I said quietly. I couldn't tell you that I was scared because I just didn't know how to say it without making it awkward. If I did say that I was scared since you weren't with me, would things change?

In the end, you were still soaking wet so you called your dad to get you an umbrella. Why was that? Why didn't you just come out with an umbrella?

I have so many questions about so many seemingly minor things you do to me. Are you worried just for me or are you worried for everyone, including all our classmates? Do you find me a source of comfort or were you just too scared to think on the rollercoaster?

Since the questions will never get answered like how this letter will never get mailed, I will conclude negatively, that you don't feel the same way. The main reason I'm writing this letter anyway is that I'm deciding to get over you. I know we're probably going to be stuck in the same high school but I'm going to stop loving you foolishly like this.

Thank you for being my first love. You being yourself made me feel so many different kinds of feelings, so many different emotions. I fell in love for the first time and I'm glad it was with someone like you, even if the ending is bittersweet. After summer break passes, I'll make sure to get over you.

I won't forget you though. I won't forget the way you cared for me. I won't forget the way you are.

You're an unforgettable first love, Seungcheol.

Sincerely,

Y/N

-----------------

© serenityseventeen

6/18/21 - 3:39 pm

a/n: I'm in love with the entire Your Choice album!!! Ready to Love is such a beautiful song, gosh, I'm in love with it!!! Seventeen always has superior B-Sides and ANYONE is my new bias wrecker + The members posted on Instagram today for the first time in forever (except for Seungkwan)!!!

[toldbymae]

𝐆 𝐑 𝐀 𝐕 𝐈 𝐓 𝐘 ~ 𝐎𝐩𝐞𝐧 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐀𝐮

C H A P T E R  O N E: BEGIN AGAIN

Fandom; Choices stories you play

Pairings; Ethan Ramsey x Mc (Lucky-Rae Longford)

Summary; Emotions are the luxury you can’t afford as a Doctor, consider this something Ethan Ramsey learned early. When the sun sets, all hope seems lost. That is, until a wide-eyed young intern tumbles, quite literally, into his life and the sun has never shined brighter. 

Warnings; Swearing, Graphic descriptions of injury, Alcohol consumption, NSFW, Character death, Violence, Mentions of stillbirth, Physical abuse.

Word Count; 1.4k (1,467 including this and the above.)

Author Note; This story is an au and starts at the beginning of open heart book one. The storyline won't entirely be the same, some aspects will change eg; Miss Martinez won't end up dying because of mc...instead it'll be because of someone else. In this story, you’ll hate Landry even more.

𝗚𝗿𝗮𝘃𝗶𝘁𝘆; 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗰𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗿𝗮𝗰𝘁𝘀 𝗮 𝗯𝗼𝗱𝘆 𝘁𝗼𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗰𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗿𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘁𝗵, 𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗼𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝘆 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝗽𝗵𝘆𝘀𝗶𝗰𝗮𝗹 𝗯𝗼𝗱𝘆 𝗵𝗮𝘃����𝗻𝗴 𝗺𝗮𝘀𝘀.

Enjoy!

LUCKY-RAE

After a six and a half hour flight, Lucky got off the plane and made her way through security, grabbing her suitcase and making her way through the crowd of loud and rowdy people. Most of them wore a smile, running into the arms of friends and family, while others were crying and watching as they bid goodbye.

Life is something precious.

It's strong and yet, it's so fragile and easy to take away.

The automatic doors opened and, almost instantly, she was hit with golden rays of the sun. Boston, she smiled and began venturing down the street.

Lucky couldn't wipe the irreplaceable smile off her face, nor did she want to. This is going to be the start of something new. Something good. Something...unimaginable.

The sudden vibration of her phone drew the redhead from her thoughts as she hastily grabbed it out of her pocket.

Landlord guy; 27 Ilford terrace, be there at 3 pm and I'll give you your keys. NO LATER.

Lucky; Sure thing

She tucked her phone safely back in her front pocket and called for a taxi, told him the destination she was heading to, and sat comfortably in the back seat, after putting her luggage in the boot, with the much-needed assistance of the driver.

25 minutes.

The car set off and Lucky leaned her head against the window, watching everything pass her by.

A smile crept back onto her face.

It's happening, it's finally happening. All these years of dreaming, believing, and working hard have led her to where she is right now, where she will be in the future.

Edenbrook Hospital, one of, if not the most, prestigious in the country. Widely known for its efficient and dedicated health care and team.

It hadn't always been her dream to work there, nevertheless, Lucky was determined now more than ever, not to allow the past to cloud her judgment or decisions.

All the people she'd save...all the people she'd be able to help...and those who she can't save...

Seconds descended into minutes which soon felt like hours and the taxi pulled up outside her new home. She thanked him, paid, and dragged her suitcase behind her as she walked up the steps and patiently waited for her landlord to arrive. She spotted him making his way down the road, wearing a blue shirt and loose-fitting black trousers.

"It's nice to finally meet you in person Mister...."

"Just call me Farley." He said delving his hand into his over-sized pocket and fishing for the keys.

"Thank you, I promise to take good care of the property...Mister Farley."

He laughed, "I know you lot will."

She paused, you lot. But there's only one of her...

"What did you mean?" She asked.

"Oh..." He laughed again, "Go inside and you'll see, Doc."

And she did. She unlocked the door and trekked up the stairs and wished there was a lift.

Lucky's breath was instantly taken away. The view was simply spectacular, the apartment was spacious, too spacious.

"This isn't all for me, is it?"

"Turns out you really are as smart as you look." He retorted, turning his head and pointing out all the other bedrooms which would be accommodating other people. Lucky shifted uncomfortably.

"Don't worry." He reassured, "I'm sure you'll get along with them just fine." Without another word, Farley departed leaving Lucky alone.

Her momentary peace was interrupted at the sound of voices and the door flying open. Five people walked in, luggage trailing after them, and meek smiles.

"He really wasn't lying..." Someone moaned, a slim and tall man with wild curly, hazel nut-brown hair, with baby blue eyes.

"I got one can't wait!" The voice of a short, brunette squeaked, smiling from ear to ear. Lucky couldn't tell whether or not she was being genuine.

"What are the odds of us all Woking at ED?" Another woman rolls her eyes and makes her way into the kitchen and raids the fridge.

"Well...I guess I should introduce myself?" The uncertainty in her voice caused Lucky to internally cringe.

"Lucky." She extends out her hand and the small girl, no taller than her, shakes it.

"I call dibs on the largest room." Says the girl whose name Lucky is yet to know, who is currently stuffing her face with a chocolate bar, "I'm Jackie, that's Sienna, Elijah, and Landry."

"Pleasure to meet you." Lucky replies. Sienna smiles at her, "I think we're gonna get along just great and I love your voice, are you, Welsh?"

"Irish, from Killarney."

"Well, is anyone hungry might as well order something." Elijah says getting his phone and looking up nearby takeaway restaurants.

Hours of talking and unpacking later, the interns sat at the table eating pizza and watching TV, feeling nothing except mixture exhaustion and relaxation.

"There's this bar down the road called Donahue’s, wanna go?” Jackie suggests, earning the attention of her new fellow roommates.

Landry shrugged, “I mean I don’t mind...but we’ve orientation tomorrow so...let’s not drinking too much.”

“Alright, let's go.”

...

ETHAN

The bar was still and quiet as the diagnostician drank the last of his whiskey and motioned for the bartender, his long time friend Reggie, to get him another.

"You sure you want another?" Reggie asks, hesitant.

Ethan almost instantly nods and the sound of voices filling the once empty bar drew him from his thoughts.

One in particular caught his eye.

Her laugh sounded like a melody he could listen to every day.

Her eyes, glassy, pure, and ruby green. So beautiful and mesmerizing.

Her hair, long, curly, and auburn shade of red.

Her freckles, as golden as the sun, spread across her face like stars in a midnight sky.

Ethan forced himself to turn away, unable to get the image of her out of his head.

He wouldn't see her again.

Or her dark red lips, so kissable.

He drank the remainder of his drink and decided to call it a night, much to Reggie's relief.

From the corner of his sky blue eyes, he sees her stumbling and about to fall, glass in hand. He catches her just in time and she smiles and drunkenly laughs, before throwing up a river on his green jacket and white top. Ethan sighs and helps her walk over to the nearest booth and sits her down.

“Shit...” She says, “I’m such a lightweight. Sorry, I uh...you know.” Her eyes dart to the ground and her cheeks flush with embarrassment.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll get you some water.” Ethan walks over to the bar and Reggie gives him a bottle of water, he opens the bottle and passes it to her. Lucky smiles gratefully and drinks it.

“You're a lifesaver...sorry again about your-

“It’s fine, really.”

A hesitant silence falls upon them until Lucky speaks, “I’m not usually like this.”

“I’m really, really, really nervous about tomorrow...”

“What’s tomorrow?” He asks.

“My intern orientation at Edenbook Hospital. Have you heard of it?”

“Yeah, I certainly have. I don’t think you have anything to be nervous about. You're going there for a reason, remember that.”

“...You know exactly what to say. I like that.”

He sits down opposite her, properly able to see her golden freckles in the soft and warm glow of the light.

“I haven’t asked.” He began, “What’s your name?”

She laughs, playfully slapping his knee, “My parents named me something, like, super weird...don’t go laughing okay?”

“You have my word.”

“Lucky. Lucky-Rae to be exact.”

...

The following morning felt like a complete nightmare. Ethan was in the shower and for once, not even lukewarm water could calm him down.

He dreamed about her.

What was wrong with him?

Every time he closed his eyes, he imagined her long red hair tickling his skin as her lips pressed tantalizingly against his flesh, traveling lower and lower...

His eyes darted upwards at the clock and the time was five minutes past six. Ethan didn't bother wrapping a towel around himself and turned the shower head off before getting dressed and making his way to work.

The traffic was even more so annoying than usual.

Cars sped past him and all could hear were the screams of the couple arguing in the car in front and a baby crying in the car behind. Ethan resisted the overwhelming urge to gouge his ears out. Half an hour passed and Ethan was walking in the hallways of Edenbrook, watching the nurses organize patient files.

An hour later the interns arrived and the hospital wasn’t silent anymore. A sudden commotion corrupted, he turns his head and a woman has collapsed and isn’t moving. Without another thought, he rushed over and ushered for space.

Ethan looked around and noticed an intern rushing over, long red hair, dark green eyes...golden freckles. As if this day could get any worse.

[stateofgrace1303]

My chronic illness, how it started.

*Can you guys please reblog and/or tag Taylor?? I really want her to read

this. I want this to get to her and I'll take any help I can get. I rarely ask this but it'd mean to world to me. I wanna get my story

out there (even if this is only a part of the entire story. The rest I

might post sometime if you guys want me too. I think I did include

everything I wanted to for now though). Just thank you all so much!!! I

love you all ❤*

(Im really sorry about how long this is. Its like a little novel. Plus I'm

OCD and tend to talk/rant until it feels just right... I just wanted to

share it with all of you, since its something I would've shared on TSL,

even though it'd probably be too long for there... But I wanted to share it

here because most of those swifties can be found on tumblr, and I want you

all to hear this... Maybe it'll even get to Taylor too. But please read if

you can. It'd mean a lot to me. Also I tried writing this but then it got

deleted when I tried posting it, so hopefully this one posts (I ended up trying to post this ALL DAY. I'm so glad it's finally up).)

Hey Swifties! So, I thought I would post this because its something I'd

post on TSL if it was still around, as I shared pretty much my whole life

on there, and I always found swifties very easy to talk to (plus you're all

just the nicest people)! So, I wanted to share this on here since most

swifties can be found on tumblr. I'm sure i talked a little bit about this

on tsl (my user was stateofgrace1303, same as on here and ig) but I wanted

to tell you guys more, especially because its getting so much more intense

now and like I said I've always found swifties very easy to talk to you.

Basically, when I was 12, my dad took me to see the RED tour at Gillette

Stadium. We had gone to see the Speak Now tour there and I had been

completely wonderstruck (no pun intended) by Taylor that night. I was 10 at

the speak now tour and had idolized Taylor since I was 6 and she put out

TOMG (and I was known as the Taylor Swift girl by now at my school). So

even though I was 10 I asked my dad, if I save up the money will you take

me to see her when she comes again? And he said yes. About 2 weeks before

the show, I had saved up enough. He didn't think i could do it, but I did.

So, I got tickets and we went to the tour. But when I was walking towards

the stadium (we had parked in a lot right down the street), my vision

became weird, almost like tunnel vision although nothing was turning black

around the edges of my vision. My feet looked very far away from me.

Suddenly, a rush of dizziness came over me and instinctively i grabbed onto

my dads arm to keep from falling down. He asked if I was okay and I could

barely get out words for some reason. I was starting to sweat and we

thought maybe i was dehydrated, so we got into the stadium as quickly as

possible. I was gripping onto everything around me to keep from falling,

but eventually we got into the stadium and I got some water. We had seats

on the field, so that's where I was, drinking some water when suddenly I

was pretty sure I was going to throw up. It was starting to get super

uncomfortable so my dad brought my to the first aid, which was actually

right at the enterance on the field. So when we went in there my dad told

them what was going on and they all looked at me weird and said "people

never get sick. We usually treat bee stings and allergic reactions. We

almost never have people get sick" which actually surprised me. But, they

took me back and laid me down. Almost immediately I started puking. The

nurse I had actually had just had a baby and had some anti nausea

medication on her. So, she gave me that but it didn't work. And I just got

worse. My dad went to find me something to eat so I'd have something in my

stomach. He came back with some chips and iced/frozen lemonade but I threw

up every time. I was so dizzy at this point I was gripping onto the bed

they had me on and puking my guts out, as well as sweating a lot. After a

while, as it only got worse, they actually thought I might have had food

posioning and asked what I ate. But there they noticed something. I was

completely white. Like white as a ghost. Except for my lips, which were

turning blue. And I was struggling to breathe. They wanted to take me to

Boston Childrens and my dad asked if I wanted to, but it was Taylor. I

couldn't miss it. So I said no for that reason. But actually, everyone at

the stadium was trying to get me tickets for the show the next night as she

was playing two nights. Security guards, the nurses, my dads girlfriend...

But nobody could get tickets in the end which was okay. But later my dad

went and for a list of everybody's set times. I had been in first aid for

about an hour at this point. He came back with the list and said "I promise

I will not let you miss them" he said and pointed to Ed Sheerans name, then

Taylor, since I was a huge Ed fan as well. He knew I probably wouldn't be

able to stay, but even seeing them for a minute would've been perfect to

me. Another hour had passed, and I was still there in the same condition.

It was terrifying, and they were really pushing me to go to the hospital

(they wanted to call an ambulance because they actually thought something

very bad might happen if they didn't). But I keep pushing that off because

I wanted to see Taylor and Ed so badly. But, 2 hours I had been there in

the same condition, puking up everything, completely white with blue lips,

struggling to breathe, so dizzy I couldn't even sit up. It was starting to

get painful honestly. So, I suddenly just burst out crying. I was just a 12

year old who wanted to see my idol, and I got this... This weird sickness,

and got stuck in first aid. In so much pain. I didn't even really

understand what was happening. I had always been a sick kid. Always getting

colds and infections. In fact, I almost died as a baby from a problem with

my kidneys, and had become septic. Its a miracle I lived. But I had never

experienced anything like this... And to experience it when I was just

trying to see my idol? When it was only my second concert ever? It crushed

me tbh. My dad asked what was wrong and I finally said the words I had been

avoiding all night... "I wanna go home" (which was actually his

girlfriend's house who lived in Boston... I'm from Maine). And he said

"okay". That was all he needed and he left, walking back towards where we

left the car. However, around 7:30ish the traffic in this area is really

weird I cant even explain it. But traffic can only go one way, instead of

both ways like normal.. So he couldn't get a ride back to the car and had

to walk, and then drive the car in traffic all the way to the stadium to

pick me up. So i had to wait a while, and while I did I heard clapping and

then a British voice say "hello Boston" and he started playing give me

love. I listened to him play and i only cried more because I was so

frustrated I couldn't go out there to see him. About half way through the

set, my dad showed up. They let him park in a no parking zone to come and

get me so he was right next to the enterance to the field. They were going

to put me in a wheelchair, but instead my dad came and helped me up. He was

holding me up straight and almost dragged me out of the first aid station,

into the stadium. I remember this part so well. The air hit me, I heard

Ed's voice clearly and saw him on stage, and suddenly, I let go of my dad,

and I was able to stand on my own... And I was fine. It was like a miracle.

I yelled to my dad over the music "is it too late to stay?" And he screamed

back "what??? After all that you wanna stay???" And I said yes, so, we

stayed. He went to go move the car (the girl was so nice who did the

parking, he told her the story, and he just needs to park the car and het

back in the stadium, how much would it cost. And the girl said park

wherever you want no charge. I thought that was seriously the sweetest

thing.) Sooo he did that, and since I was only 12 in a huge stadium, one of

the cops that was patroling the place stayed with me and asked me all kinds

of questions about Ed Sheeran, especially about the A-Team, when he played

it. He said "this isn't his song right?? Is this a cover?? I know this

song." And I told him it wad and told him all about it. It was the ideal

conversation for 12 year old me 😂 Anyway, my dad came back, we got to our

seats, and I actually met Andrea for a very brief moment! And before I knew

it, Taylor was playing. And I had made it through the entire show. I woke

up the next morning, still feeling a little sick but actually felt better

after eating, so I thought the worst was over. But, I was wrong... I didn't

know that one night would become my life... And god I wish I had gone to

the hospital... Maybe I would be okay now if I had... But anyway... A month

later (in August), it happened at my friends end of summer party. Then a

month later (in September), while I was at school... Each time worse than

the time before. Everyone had been informed I was having issues, but nobody

had seen anything happen yet. I seemed like myself. Then one day, I was on

my way to lunch with my friends, and I collapsed in the hallway... Same

thing happening. All my friends freaked out and 2 stayed with me while the

rest went to get the nurse. She actually thought I was dying, and honestly

I could've. She called my mom and said she wasn't sure if she should call

my mom or an ambulance. Then my mom came and got me and immedaitly took me

to my doctor (because she said next time it happens to come in so they

could monitor me). I was monitored and fell asleep, then 4 hours later i

woke up like nothing happened. After that i was pulled out of school and

constantly at the doctor. And I just got sicker and sicker... Which was

later diagnosed as... "Anxiety". By an unqualified doctor. He was a thyroid

doctor and diagnosed me with that?? As time went on, I got incredibly sick

to the point I can't even move. I have become completely disabled and lose

control of my body a lot. It's like my brain is disconnected from my body.

And I get this weird feeling im falling off a cliff and I cant feel my arms

and when that happens, I cant move at all. I cant even express how bad it

can get, how scary and painful it is. I'm a lot sicker than most people

think I am... I spend most days in bed, actually unable to move. I find

ways to keep my spirits up, luckily. Mostly its listening to Taylor and

watching friends but yeah 😂 I have days where I can't even sit up I'm so

dizzy and weak and it hurts so much. Its also terrifying when you don't

have full control over your own body. Absoultely terrifying. Although I

have okay days where I can stand up and function for a little bit, most

days lately have been like this... Bad and living from my bed due to

weakness and dizziness (extreme dizziness honestly). I have days where its

even a struggle to breathe, the most simple thing in the world. It gets

depressing at times... When you spend all ur time in bed or a wheelchair it

really can vet discouraging... But I'm still fighting. And I'm so happy I

am. And like I said, Taylor always lifts me up. Even on my worst, most

disabled and bed ridden days. Oh, that reminds me... I also have seizures

now, sadly. But I hadn't had what happened that night at the RED tour in a

while though... Until one night last year... While I was seeing Ed Sheeran

in Gillette Stadium 😂 Maybe its him?? I dont know 😂 Anyway, I spend most

days in bed, and I do online schooling now. I've seen Taylor twice since

then. For 1989 and for reputation. With 1989 I needed a lot of help but I

got through it. Reputation, it had gotten so bad I needed a wheelchair and

I still do whenever I go out, really. I dont have full control over my body

and I'm too weak and just very sick. I'm really hoping to go to lover fest

but if i do will need a wheelchair and even then I'll probably still feel

sick... But Taylors worth it ❤ Hopefully can get ada seating like with rep.

Wanted to keep this last part short but I think I failed 😂 Mainly wanted

to focus on the red tour. My health story is so incredibly long, I couldn't

say it all (maybe I will later). However, for now, I will tell you this, I

was diagnosed with a thyroid disease, migraines, and seizures. Then it was

discovered that all of this... Was advanced Lyme Disease... And it created

something called Dysautonomia (basically a disfunction of the autonomic

nervous system, which most people don't even realize they have, or how

important it is, until it makes you sick and either nearly kills or

cripples you... Depending on the kind though.) Also known as POTS, or

Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (there are actually 15 kids of

dysautonomia, that being one of them, I might possibly have more than one

kinda, were not sure yet. But its basically half cardiology half

neurology). And there's no cure... I could be this way, this disabled and

sick for a while... But there are treatments that might work luckily!!!

Since there are no Dysautonomia clinics in Maine, I either have to go to

New York, Baltimore, Cleveland, or Minneapolis. So looks like im taking a

trip! Sadly to a hospital, but still 😊 I honestly don't know how we'll pay

for it, but I need it, or I will spend my life like this. So I'm sure we'll

find a way... Like I always seem to do in life, no matter what 😊❤ Oh, and

funny thing is, I have something called PANS as well... So I have Pots and

Pans 😂😂😂 Anyway, I just wanted to share this with you guys because like

I said you guys are always so great and Taylor is my favorite artist so I

wanted to share it with the people who understand my love for her. I've

been a huge fan of her for 13 years (I'm 18, 19 next month, now). Theres

something about her... She's always helped me but especially now. She makes

me so happy and feel so safe during this time... Im fact, the only time i

smile like i did when I was younger,before all of this, is when I listen to

Taylor. I even have a Long Live tattoo on my wrist because I felt it

represented my love for her the most, and what we've made as a fandom, the

magic we've created. Plus, it reminds me that I'm fighting my battle (this

"dragon") with Taylor and her music on my side, as well as all of you. And

it makes me smile. I can't wait to get more Taylor tattoos... Honestly,

after all of this and the other health issues I faced as a baby and a

child, I can't believe I'm still here, that I'm still living... Especially

because since I've always been so sick with so many different illnesses and

health issues to the point I'm disabled, my immune system is so weak. I

truly cannot believe I'm still here. But... I guess my body just isn't

ready to give up. It hasn't yet at least!!! And it doesn't want to. It

won't. I'm strong. Me, and my body, want to fight until the very end. And

I'm grateful for that. So grateful that I am still alive, and still

fighting every day of my life. It might be hard, and I can't function or do

really anything but lay in bed and watch tv most days, but I'm just so

thankful that I'm still alive, that it's okay I have to be at the doctors

so much and have to take all these meds (I do anything at this point that

can help me even the slighest). And no matter what life throws at my

health, my body always fights it and gets right back up. I fall down 10

times, I stand up 11. And I could not have the courage and strength to do

this if it wasn't for my idol, Taylor Swift. I've been a fan of Taylor for

13 years (I'm 18 now, 19 next month) so her and her music have helped me

through every problem I have ever faced, and this is no different. She has

a song for everything, so I can always find something to listen to that

makes me feel like she understands and she's telling me it'll be okay...

And ever since LOVER came out, I've been listening to soon you'll get

better on days its really bad, and my girlfriend sends me that song on bad

days too... It makes me feel safe. And like I can fight this. Thank you,

Taylor. I will never be able to repay you. I may struggle with this every

single day im here on earth, but with your music and the support I feel

from the swiftie fam, I know I'll get through it. Anyway... I guess I

should end this here. Again, sorry this is so long but if you read this

thank you so much for taking the time to!! If you made it to this point,

I'm proud 😂❤ And it means the world to me, you have no idea. Im hoping

this will get to Taylor and maybe even Ed one day. I love you all so much

and once again, thank you for reading!! ❤❤❤

@taylorswift @taylornation 🌈❤ @taylornotices 💜

(Pic is from when I was in First Aid at Ed Sheeran. It was so bad there

they had to give me an IV. I was in the first aid station, wrapped up in my

nightmare before Christmas blanket, on a stretcher with an IV in my hand

pretty much the entire night. It was so painful. When I arrived to first

aid I was actually unresponsive. Like I knew what was happening but I

couldn't talk or open my eyes. All I could do was make very small

movements. It felt like my body was shutting down. I was having bad heart issues as well and they wanted to give me a medicine fot my nausea but since I had lyme disease it could make my heart issues worse so they had to give me an EKG... Right there at the concert 😂 Interesting... But, I got through it.

Like always 😊 So yeah thats where the

picture is from ❤)

[dontjudgemebymykpoptrash]

Saw A.C.E in Chicago and Atlanta this week and had meet and greet packages for both stops (no I couldn't afford it, yes my bank account overdrafted whoops).

It was ammazingggg. LONG STORY AHEAD.

The question I asked was answered by Chan. Bless his heart he struggled so much to say my name and I was in the second row on the furthest side from him. I stood up and waved so he could see me. They asked how to pronounce my name and BK actually said it perfectly, I was so impressed!

The question that was chosen was "What hobby do you want to try that you haven't tried before". He said Cooking, cause he isn't good at it and Donghun won't eat his food.

When the item signing started, BK would interact with us a lot and the girls in front of us took the liberty of teaching him the phrase "Let's get this bread." His face when they explained that bread = money was priceless. Experiencing that magical moment will live with me forever since he has been saying it nonstop since then.

So since PLT I've decided my "thing" for each autograph I can get is making my dumb pun fans. Eventually I'll just have a wall of these dang things and I'm excited about it. I made one for each my friend and me. Here's mine.

The other thing I prepared for them I kept super secret because I very much wanted to see their reaction to it. I didn't post it publicly anywhere. In line with Choice teasingly referring to Junhee as a lizard much to the delight of the fandom and the rest of A.C.E while hysterically bugging Jun, I couldn't resist... I'd always wanted to give away cute things at concerts but since I'm also an asshole I used my exceptionally mediocre photoshop skills to make

These beauties.

I originally only had 150 to hand out and I was actually worried I wouldn't be able to get rid of them all. I thought people might think they're dumb and not want any. Then due to a print shop mistake I ended up with 650. Whoops.

Before the meet and greet they tell us explicitly we are not allowed to give them anything and if they catch us trying to sneak them something they'll escort us out. My plan to see their reaction was almost destroyed! But I was very graciously given permission to -show- them the card, not give it to them (don't worry. They each got two in their gift boxes).

A.C.E tends to always stand/sit in the same order, so just as I expected, Chan was up first. He understood the pun of my fan! He thought it was really cute and gave such a big reaction I was pleased. Then I showed him the card and it was even bigger. I told him it was Junhee and he full on kicked out a leg and hit the table as he laughed which made me happy. He shook my hand.

Up next was Donghun who was the most quiet. I showed him the card after he signed my fan and he asked who it was. I told him it was Jun and he laughed and probably judged me a lot but then he gave me a high five and interlaced our fingers for a moment so I didn't feel completely embarrassed. The person behind me was so excited they moved onto Donghun before Jun was ready for me so I was waiting in limbo for a few seconds.

Leader Jun in the middle, the reaction I wanted most. He signed my fan and then I put the card down for him to see. He asked who it was, he seemed surprised. I told him it was him and he laughed and tried to deny it. He asked what kind of lizard it was, I told him it was a giant day gecko because I think they're the cutest. I told him I made sure to give them some in their gift box, and that we would see him again in Atlanta. He shook my hand and then the person behind me got excited again lol.

Byeongkwan was next! This boy is an absolute doll okay? The first thing he said to me is that he liked my lipstick (it was green). He signed my fan, then I showed him the card and he was beyond stoked. He laughed so loud and even held it up to Jun pointing it out to everyone. I promised him he got two in his gift box. He asked if I made one of each member and I told him no, but promised him I would next year (me and my big mouth). He held my hand and interlaced fingers and was just so sweet until the person behind me encouraged me on again.

WOW. OKAY. So Sehyoon is my bias af I was VISIBLY SHAKING at this point and as I set my fan down it so obnoxiously tapped the table several times. He tapped his lips and pointed at mine and said "pretty". I thanked him and said it was green for "cactus". I'm not sure if he understood cause he just repeated "cactus" and cocked his head slightly before signing my fan. Then I showed him the card. He asked who it was and I said Jun. He laughed a little and then I told him he was my favorite. He had the quietest lil thank you, then took my hand in both his soft tiny bby hands and I think my brain melted cause I couldnt make eye contact anymore it was too much. Just thinking about it is making my heart hurt. (To be clear, I am in no way special, he held everyone's hand the same way).

After that, we did the pictures! I very shyly wanted to stand between BK and Wow. I didn't do anything special this time around cause the pose I wanted was done by two other people so I just asked for cute cheek pokies. They were having so much fun with people so that inspired my next photo request. As I was walking away from the photo BK told me again that he really liked my lipstick and I was over the moon.

I brought about half the cards with me to hand out hoping I wouldn't have extras and people LOVED THEM? I ran out and felt bad that I didn't bring more!

The concert was AWESOME!! They're so interactive with fans I had several moments with EACH of them, but my favorite is when Wow kicked up a heart and he saw me catch it all goofy instead of letting him hit the woah and he laughed and mimicked me. He also handed me two lollipops (I gave one to my friend) but I'm never gonna eat it.

For the hi touch Chan handed us our photo cards, and hi fived us. They were oddly out of order (chan, Donghun, BK, Wow, Jun). I managed to tell him and Donghun they did amazing, then BK told me AGAIN he still loved my lips. I was so excited I told him "it'll be BLUE next time" and he said "oh!" BUT BY DOING THAT MY DUMBASS MISSED THE CHANCE TO LOOK INTO WOW'S AND JUN'S EYES UGH I WAS SO UPSET AT MYSELF also I got yelled at by security (rightly so).

Next is Atlanta!

I started handing out cards earlier and got worried again cause there were quite a few people that weren't interested at all. Fortunately by the end of the show there were so many people wanting them I offered to do a reprint if necessary. Some people even said they were going through the hi touch holding it up which I LOVED.

Anyway, this time during the Meet and Greet I was in the front row directly in front Byeongkwan and Wow. I WAS NOT OKAY. I kept making eye contact and getting so shy ugh. Byeongkwan recognized me and tapped his lips and winked when he saw me (I was wearing blue lipstick this time). BK got my question (the interpreter said my name perfectly without me needing to tell her, I was so impressed!) I asked what concept they wanted to try that they hadn't tried yet. He said they had already done everything and I cocked my head giving him a disbelieving look. He then admitted that they hadn't done the cutesy boy concept and I lost it- I cant imagine them trying to pull that off.

For future Choice in my position- these boys have ears like BATS okay. There was one time Jun said something like "it's his choice." And I quietly said to the person next to me "no we're choice." And he looked at me and said "You're right! You're all choice!" I was shook.

Wow got asked what his favorite dessert to eat is and he said chocolate anything, then listed things "Chocolate cake. Chocolate ice cream. Chocolate rice." At this point everyone exclaims and he gets his silly lil smile and says "Chocolate fish." And everyone loses it. It was so funny and cute.

Later Jun was asked if he preferred pancakes or waffles and it was a really hard question for him. He said he had been eating more pancakes since coming to the US but he liked both a lot. He just didn't like Chocolate pancakes and I said "cause Wow eats them all?" And wow just very dreamily says "Choco pancakes...." I about died.

BK was asked if he wanted to go to the aquarium and he said he really hoped to. He asked if there were beluga and everyone said yes but I said "But they have WHALE SHARKS!" which imo is the coolest thing about the Georgia aquarium. None of them seemed to know exactly what I meant but they were excited by the concept of the words "whale" and "shark" together. (Spoiler alert: The next day they totally went and got pics with the whale shark).

Finally BK asked where people recommended they eat. Someone suggested sushi at first. I thought it was funny to recommend sushi when visiting the US. BK seemed of the same mindset so chicken and waffles came up and Jun loudly said WAFFLES! To which, Wow said in his same dreamy tone "chocolate waffles" and I looked at him and said "chocolate chicken?" embarrassing the HELL out of myself cause everyone was super grossed out by it and making a scene. I hid but my friend said Wow thought it was funny. I think she was trying to make me feel better.

So the item signing time comes up. My DUMB ASS forgot my album at home so the day before I had gone on a panicked shopping spree and decided on a pot for my cactus.

Chan was up first as usual. He recognized me and asked if I was in Chicago and I said yes! He asked what the pot was and I told him it was for my cactus plant. He was so adorable, while he was signing it he said quietly "grow well." So now it has to. This time he did not do a high five with me.

Next was Donghun. He looked so confused at my pot. I told him it was for my cactus and he just kinda nodded. It was very quiet because I had tried to learn a short phrase for him in korean but I got too nervous and I couldn't say it. I just thanked him. I'll have to keep practicing.

Jun was next and also asked me if I had been in Chicago and thanked me for coming again. I told him it was my last stop but I knew they would keep doing amazing. He asked about the pot and said it was so cute and signed super big. He shook my hand.

BK was next and he complimented my lips again. I asked him if he liked the green or blue better and he said both were good. He asked about the pot and signed it for me, he said it was cute and he liked it. He high fived me when it was time to move on.

WOW. AGAIN. okay so he asked about the pot and I said it was for my cactus and he mimed planting a cactus while looking up at me and I nodded while melting cause he is SO GODDAMN CUTE OKAY. Then while he was signing it I worked up my courage cause I had tried to learn a phrase for him as well BUT I MESSED UP I MESSED UP SO BAD IT WAS BAD OKAY. He was so confused and thank GOD the interpreter was right there and she asked "what are you trying to say" and she helped me say it. I was SO EMBARRASSED I had practiced so much and was saying it SO WELL up until that moment. Once I managed he smiled and said I did good then took my hand and said something which the interpreter translated for me and I just grabbed my heart with my free hand and then had to just cover my face I couldnt handle it. Walking away was hard but staying was harder.

Of course that just put me back in my seat directly in front of him.

Dont judge me, but I was trying to say, "You're so awesome it makes my heart hurt." And his response was "Then I'll prescribe you some medicine" and I KNOW its cheesy and overdone but I wanted that moment once for me so I took my chance. Anyway I looked like a damn fool but it was over.

The last dumb thing I did as the signing went on cause we kept making random eye contact and I got self conscious of always looking away. One of the times Wow and I met eyes I winked and shot finger guns and his eyebrows raised ever so slightly and I wanted to sink into the floor and die so I hid my face again. He looked so surprised like what WAS I THINKING WHY DID I DO THAT AAAAAAAA.

Anyway.

Here's my cute cheap pot!

Next was pictures. This time I had a plan. I asked them to pose ugly with me. They were surprised and asked for clarification twice, BK even asked me in english and I said "yes, ugly faces. If you can! If it's even possible." I wonder if it's the first time theyve ever been requested to do that. Anyway that's gonna be my thing too with the punny fan from now on. They did their best and it's absolutely adorable. Afterward BK walked up to me and wanted to see the pictures I took so I showed him. After he walked away it occured to me how fun and casual that was, that he just came over to look at pics together. I love this boy so much damb.

The atlanta show was amazing but the stage was so high up and far away there was no direct interaction possible. They made up for it with even more interaction! BK and Donghun each danced with me. I made a heart with my friend and Chan winked and laughed cause it looked like she begrudgingly made the heart with me when in reality she just couldnt hear me and couldnt tell what I was asking. Wow played a heart escalating game with me and he won so I made a dumb cute face and he laughed.

At hi touch I was determined not to miss Wow again. The order was the same except Donghun and Chan switched. I told them they did really amazing, a great show! Then BK said "Best lips!" To me and I got so excited but still didnt want to miss Wow, I loudly repeated "Best Lips!" While making eye contact and high fiving this poor man so hard, then for Jun I said "Don't forget!" And he was just so unprepared for me because I was unprepared for me but I WAS SO HYPED UP I LOST MY LAST BRAINCELL ITS STILL IN ATLANTA GUYS ITS GONE FOREVER.

So anyway that was a lot of unnecessary details about my specific adventures with A.C.E and I loved them so much and maybe one person will read this and smile but mostly I just want to try and remember as much detail as possible. I'll add things as I remember if I forgot something. Anyway dont be like me hahahaHAHAHA.

Also highkey if BK or one of the boys ends up with a bold lipstick color for a comeback or promotions in the next year or so I'm taking full credit.

[punkscowardschampions]

James & Ava

James: [so obviously all through this party whenever we can we're saying thanks/love you/sorry etc at relevant points via little touches but there hasn't been much time with all the kid chaos & we gotta use our words now] James: Thank you Ava: Don't mention it, I had a good time Ava: think the girls did too 😌 James: because of you James: which is why I had to mention it Ava: It's okay, making cupcakes and crafts was bound to be more fun than my history essay Ava: easy choice, really Ava: how are you now? apart from exhausted James: still astonished that Teddy helped to clear up, even though your cousin did most of it Ava: it's amazing what a boy will do to keep a girl happy, right James: whatever you're hinting at, I'll do it Ava: 😱 do you think I'm that sort of girl?! 😂 James: I don't think I'm exhausted enough to fall into the trap of such a clearly trick question Ava: Then maybe you didn't party/clean hard enough 🤔 James: I'll happily send you evidence of me scrubbing the bath until it's less blue if you like James: but somehow I doubt that is what you're contemplating Ava: An interesting proposition Ava: but who decided baths had to be white anyway Ava: I say keep it James: hopefully whoever rents this place after we've gone will agree with you Ava: I'll bring 'round the spare bicarb, that'll work James: there'll be some in the cupboard, from all the baking recipes Jay's school sends insisting she needs it Ava: I guess I'll have to think of another excuse to come see you soon then James: wanting to is enough Ava: I'd have to be a fool to not want that James: though after today, less so James: I'm very sorry about my family Ava: They aren't your fault James: nevertheless James: & speaking of excuses, my sister told me she's pregnant again as one for her behaviour before I could properly challenge her for it Ava: Oh that's a shame, I could have implied she was just fat by asking Ava: but no, really Ava: I can handle it, it's not as if my family are particularly supportive about us either James: you'll have other chances before her official announcement, I'm sure Ava: not my style Ava: it'll be nice, for the girls to have more cousins their age James: but to hear her speak, there's already a very distinct possibility that this child has surpassed every single one of their age appropriate milestones whilst in utero Ava: 🙄 Ava: if anything that just means more pain on the way out, no Ava: not that underdone is the preference but you know James: she'll have scheduled the caesarean the moment there was evidence of a pink line Ava: guess she's confident in her ab-building post-baby workout then James: confidence has never been lacking as far as she's concerned Ava: I can tell Ava: like your dad, like you said James: yes Ava: I'm sorry Ava: that they tried to...whatever they were attempting to do, or if it was even intentional behaviour Ava: but I think the party still went well where it mattered James: there isn't a single thing for you to apologise for James: it did go well Ava: I'm not trying to add more tension or friction to proceedings when it already comes so naturally James: you didn't, in fact, by being there you managed to diffuse it James: I would have been a lot more stressed had you not been Ava: Good Ava: and she didn't show up Ava: so what more could we ask for James: my parents & sister following suit perhaps James: but that won't be much to ask once we move further than a stone's throw out of their shadow Ava: leaving the postcode for less than Monaco? Ava: unlikely Ava: I keep looking at places Ava: everything goes so fast, it's crazy, by the time I go to send the link, it's gone James: I've secured a viewing after work for the day after tomorrow, if you're free you're more than welcome to come James: [sends her a link] Ava: Wow, that's so exciting Ava: are you excited James: I'm cautiously optimistic Ava: That's such a you way to put it 😊 James: oh is it? Ava: Yes Ava: I like it James: I like that you're unabashed in your excitement Ava: You deserve exciting things to be happening Ava: there's nothing better than a new place for a fresh start James: if it were that simple, I'd agree with you that nothing could be better Ava: No, I know Ava: new floors and four walls doesn't fix everything Ava: but it is something you CAN do Ava: along with all the things you already are, and continue to do James: I want you to be right, but I can't help but feel that it's just a new location to hide in, because of all the things I can't change Ava: You aren't the one that ran away Ava: and no one can say that Ava: but you're better, even without the comparison to her which leaves you looking practically saint-like James: only because there is no amount of distance I can put between your brother & I which would alter the facts or the future as it is shaping up to be Ava: he's being so Ava: stubborn and stupid James: all day my thoughts kept circling back to the idea that this time next year everything could be different James: she might not be here James: I don't know what to do Ava: That won't happen Ava: we won't let it James: you wanting it to be a promise you can make or me wanting what you're saying to be true might not be enough James: I know how stubborn he is Ava: that doesn't mean that he can make a judge agree with him Ava: neither does the fact he's training to do as much Ava: you've raised her, you're her dad James: that alone doesn't mean I can guarantee anything either James: while raising her I've made a lot of mistakes Ava: no Ava: not nowhere near enough or the type that warrants anyone taking her away James: you didn't know me before rehab Ava: neither did my brother Ava: who's he going to call as a character witness, Chloe? James: he did, but I'll admit that the past is less of a pressing concern right now compared to the struggle of the present James: & the ease of getting wasted Ava: Hardly Ava: what kind of friend was he by that point Ava: he didn't tell you that Chloe had told him he was the father before you, did he? Ava: he has no room to judge, on any level Ava: he still does worse James: regardless, I can't blame him for judging me James: because I don't think there's worse than the things I consider doing whenever there's the briefest moment such as this, when they're asleep James: recovery is constant & truly exhausting Ava: Maybe you can't, but I can Ava: exactly Ava: it shows strength of character Ava: I'm just saying, if he takes it there, which, I'd hope not but no, I can't even pretend to promise that right now Ava: he can't be throwing around those sort of accusations like he's got nothing that would look worse under scrutiny James: it's a weakness of character James: & I don't want my flaws to extend to driving any kind of wedge between you & your brother James: or to have to expose any of his, irrespective of what they are James: being free of her finally means I no longer have to play any of those games Ava: admitting and dealing with it isn't Ava: I know Ava: it's horrible to think about, especially when it is so soon after she left, and how that has barely registered Ava: but if you have to, you'll do whatever you need to, right Ava: I mean, as long as it doesn't hurt her, then you have to James: I don't want to do anything that hurts you either Ava: It's not about me though James: he's your brother Ava: That doesn't mean I'm going to endorse his bad choices Ava: not for an easy life Ava: and not at the expense of yours, or Jay's, of course James: they aren't choices any of us should have to make Ava: no, we shouldn't Ava: but he has to be on board with that too Ava: he can't rush and force what he thinks he wants, without any regard for the rest Ava: just because the whole situation was fucked from the start James: he wants to meet her, I keep saying no Ava: Have you told her anything yet? Ava: Not saying 'yet' like you need to or there's a timescale here, you know what I'm trying to ask James: if there were a right time, it wouldn't be now James: she's coping well with her mother's absence but she's nevertheless having to cope James: I'm not going to give her something else to contend with until circumstances change, whether that's because of your brother or a more positive development Ava: Totally Ava: it's a lot already Ava: he should be thinking the same way James: he seems to, when we speak about it James: I can't blame him for wanting to get to know her though James: clearly that's my dad bias but anyone who doesn't is missing out Ava: she's a good kid James: you're good with her & for her James: I can't remember the last time she was as happy as she's been over the last few days Ava: that makes me happy too James: oh good, because I haven't yet asked how you are James: I'm sorry Ava: don't be James: it's important James: my family believes I see you as an unpaid problem solver & I have no desire to prove them right to any degree Ava: you know that I know that that's not how it is though Ava: I understand, you've got way too much going on in your head right now to be too concerned with the pleasantries Ava: I can do without James: just because you can doesn't mean you should James: this matters to me, you, us James: we're not an us if it's just me using you as a sounding board Ava: You don't Ava: and I know it matters because you wouldn't trust me with any of this if it didn't Ava: you've been there for me whenever I've needed you too, my problems are just smaller scale, on the whole Ava: doesn't make it one-sided James: okay James: as long as you know Ava: I promise Ava: I wouldn't hate some alone time with you soon though James: how soon can you do? Ava: I have to go to Dublin this weekend Ava: but Thursday I don't have any afternoon lessons, so if you could do something then? James: I'll pick you up James: if necessary I'll do extra work when you're in Dublin Ava: you're so lovely James: no, I missed you the second you left, that's all Ava: I missed you too Ava: not being able to talk properly Ava: I hate that about parties James: me too James: but you were a vision in your party outfit Ava: you think so? Ava: you can be a monster again any time you like 😋 James: yes, I very much think so James: you looked beautiful Ava: you'll make me blush James: I hope so, despite not being there to see it Ava: in terms of photographic evidence, definitely more fun than the clean bath James: unless I were in it, alas I'm not sure I'd fit Ava: Oh babe that's so sad Ava: the world doesn't cater to people your size, how rude 🥺 James: I'll try if you promise to drop whatever you're doing & help free me should the unthinkable occur James: & thankfully hotels do, so I won't have to see that face on Thursday Ava: Of course Ava: we have to protect your modesty and decency at all costs 🤭 Ava: hotel, you say? James: yes, that way we'll both fit James: without any kind of farce or firefighters getting involved Ava: I did say alone time Ava: no 🚓 🚑 🚒 allowed James: not in this chapter, I promise James: it's not that kind of book Ava: It doesn't have to be tasteful Ava: I don't think the readers will mind James: I'll bear that in mind Ava: Please do James: while I've got things under consideration, would you like to stay over? James: I can arrange taking you to school on Friday morning Ava: Um, yes Ava: of course James: okay, I'll ask Diana to watch the girls James: after today it's the least she can do Ava: Is she usually better when I'm not there? James: no James: she'll happily find a grievance with whoever is Ava: well, at least it isn't personal Ava: don't know if that's worse, actually James: plenty were tailored to you personally if that makes you feel any better Ava: it's understandable, I suppose Ava: if I was who they thought I was James: my ex wife was everything they thought she was & it did nothing to help me Ava: yeah James: I have my opinions on my sister's husband & I keep them to myself Ava: he wasn't there, was he? James: there's a slim chance you'll be able to meet him at her baby shower, but he wasn't at the last one Ava: I'm sure the chances I'll be invited are even slimmer Ava: sounds delightful though James: oh she'll invite you, if only to show you how a party should be thrown Ava: 😏 Ava: it's a good thing I already know baby shower etiquette then Ava: been to enough James: you'll have to teach me what it is Ava: Very modern of her to want any men there Ava: usually they object on the fact of it being 'women's business' and it's like a hen party with no alcohol James: Matilda's & Jay's were both like that Ava: Yeah, I can see that James: there was obviously champagne though James: I assumed that was why I wasn't invited Ava: Oh yeah, the other guests can get hammered Ava: and the mum has to lowkey cry about it the whole time, but all the gifts and attention you get should really make up for it Ava: they're weird, honestly, another excuse for all of the above James: the horrific flashbacks of said crying & attention have returned to me, thank you for that Ava: 😬 Ava: you can have a baby shower now if you would like Ava: I'll look up all the ridiculous games Ava: you earnt it James: you're the one who has earned anything you'd like James: there wouldn't have even been a party today if not for all the work you put in Ava: all I like is being with you Ava: it was worth it James: you know I don't want you to leave, it upsets me that you're not here now Ava: Same Ava: I wish I could be James: did you finish your homework? Ava: not quite, my parents wanted to talk to me for ages Ava: which really goes against their concerns being my schoolwork but there we go James: well, I'm very concerned about your schoolwork & ensuring you don't have to go to Kings after all, so if there's anything I can do to help Ava: I'll tell them Ava: that will no doubt but their mind at ease Ava: it's not even that hard, I'm just lacking motivation James: of course James: I went there too, none of the work was ever that hard Ava: they'd like you to believe the oxbridge admissions day others but Ava: we know the truth James: I'd like to know what would motivate you Ava: Well Ava: maybe we could do lunch or something before Thursday Ava: that is forever away James: it certainly does feel like it Ava: or we can walk Frank or I'll come 'round for dinner Ava: just say I can see you before then and I'll get it done James: we can do every single one of those things once you have Ava: 😍 Ava: Okay, I'll do it Ava: as you're so inspirational James: as we've discussed, I don't want things to be one sided James: & you're the most encouraging person I've ever met James: I've never found someone to be this stimulating before, it's a remarkably unfair contest for my capabilities James: thus I'm motivated to keep motivating you Ava: I love being with you so much James Ava: I can't wait for your life to be exactly what you want it Ava: it is going to happen, I'm so sure of it James: before you I didn't even know how my life could hypothetically be bearable, never mind thinking about how I may have wanted it in its ideal James: you build character, Ava James: I love you so much, but also I can stand who I am now, with you Ava: you're doing all the work though Ava: to totally restart, that's amazing you know Ava: and I love you too James: because you prompted it Ava: as long as you're taking your credit too, I can deal with that James: I need you to know that I couldn't do this without you, back then or now James: & how much I appreciate you is in line with that Ava: Good thing you've got me Ava: and good thing that's what we both want Ava: everything else we can work out together James: it's the most perfect thing James: hence I'm still working out how to do any of it justice with a novel Ava: Words are your speciality Ava: even if it takes a lifetime, that's time we have James: & if nothing else it puts your current writer's block into perspective James: you definitely won't be forced to do homework forever Ava: 😅 very true James: because of course my struggle is consistently greater than yours, darling James: there's a long line of people waiting to tell us, lest we forget Ava: but of course Ava: only have to worry about when my next assignment is due and how to wear my hair, thank god 💁 James: thank god Jay didn't insist you turn yours blue as well James: getting you sent home for violating the dress code wouldn't endear your parents to me Ava: I don't think I'd look anywhere as near as cool Ava: talk about a real party faux pas James: as far as she's concerned you're incapable of committing one, or any wrong at all Ava: no pressure 😅 Ava: she's so cute Ava: and funny James: she wants to get her hair cut next, as long as you say you like it when I eventually take her, you'll continue to be her favourite person Ava: Ooh, that's a big one Ava: how is dad feeling about it? James: hypothetically less hair to fight to get a brush through sounds like a fantastic idea James: but actually, I don't know Ava: she'll love it Ava: you will too Ava: though it'll be a total shock James: I'll be the sentimental fool, frantically trying to catch a lock to keep before it hits the floor, undoubtedly Ava: 🥺 You're adorable Ava: at least Mattie has a way to before her first haircut, a reprieve for you James: it'll make her happy, that's what I should focus on, I know Ava: you're still allowed to feel a type of way about it Ava: that's what dads are for James: mine isn't the demonstrative type, unless disappointment is what he wishes to convey, but yes James: I don't look to him for parenting advice Ava: You're already better Ava: and that can be a comfort now, instead of how he is being detrimental to you James: thank you James: all I ask is that you don't also decide to change how you wear your hair in the near future please, there are only so many changes I can endure regardless of whether they're positive or negative Ava: Okay, I can promise that Ava: just for you James: well in that case, just for you, I'll ignore the weather forecast & walk Frank tomorrow Ava: 😁 Ava: I wish you could come to Dublin too Ava: we'll be having bonfire night James: one day, I can promise that Ava: I know, it's too soon Ava: I'll buy sparklers, when I get back James: I look forward to it Ava: I won't bring back a jacket potato even though they're so much better off the fire James: true, I remember it being one of the main merits of scouts Ava: you were a scout? 😊 James: yes James: I did my D of E as well Ava: That tracks Ava: you're always prepared James: I don't know about that Ava: Are you suggesting that the D of E was in fact a massive waste of time? 🤔😱 James: I'm not suggesting anything until they approach me with whatever package they deem appropriate in order to secure a glowing endorsement James: King's have certainly benefited from having me on side, in spite of losing you to more worthy rivals Ava: Smart 😏 Ava: You did almost convince me, and in a way, you still did, just not to their benefit James: I can't in good conscience take credit for the persuasive charm of The Vault James: or pretend as though I wasn't the one being utterly convinced by you Ava: Of course, those dizzying highs are unparalleled and cannot be replicated anywhere else Ava: and just as obvious is my conniving seduction of you, as pointed out with pointed looks and silences James: it is a relief to hear that high school wasn't in fact my peak, I'll make sure to really emphasise my superiority in the book's acknowledgements Ava: If you thought it was possible to peak in that school, I'd have no interest in gold-digging you, would I James: nobody is professing that you're good at it, darling James: you'd have been more likely to target my father's bad marriage if so Ava: I'm so sad for myself Ava: tragically bad at it, really James: unfortunately we can't both be figures of pity & I've already been typecast in said role Ava: I'll have to get better at it and be more worthy of scorn James: regardless, there's very little chance they'll improve enough to be worthy of where they've put themselves James: though the mock trial is a kind consideration given that your brother is vying to put me before a real one, I suppose Ava: Thank God they don't know James: my father has already baulked at the idea of us moving, if I have to go to him cap in hand to pay for lawyers James: I dread to think Ava: I still hope they never need to be told Ava: maybe that's foolish at this point but James: if it is, it's a folie à deux James: but once I tell Jay I can hardly swear her to secrecy James: & she does need to be told, my delusion isn't that far reaching Ava: No, true Ava: kids are bad with secrets Ava: and obviously, not the kind of thing to encourage anyway Ava: they won't treat her differently at least, right? Ava: as long as they can keep their talking about it out of her earshot too, I feel that's the best we can hope for James: I'd love to say no, of course they wouldn't Ava: I didn't want to be the one to suggest it Ava: even if slagging off your family might seem like the appropriate course of action right now, not that bitch either James: there's very little you could suggest that my imagination hasn't beaten you to Ava: I know darling Ava: I'm sorry James: I try to console myself with the knowledge that there's a degree of inevitability anyway, look how differently I am treated, without any question of being his flesh & blood James: my family have & always will have their favourites, set in & as immovable as stone Ava: and she does have Chloe's parents, who clearly adore both girls Ava: I only have one set of grandparents Ava: you're right, they're going to act however they choose to act, and they can blame it on what they like but as long as Jay knows it isn't her fault and she is loved by lots of people, then that should be enough, and I'm sure it will be Ava: you've found happiness despite them James: & she will too, I'll make sure of that James: do your parents know? Ava: Yes Ava: he told them at the time, as well Ava: so they were less shocked but obviously still James: I definitely won't be welcome at the bonfire then Ava: It's not your fault Ava: they can't blame you James: it wasn't the first time I'd heard it said that I wasn't her dad either, I could've done something when it was Ava: She's the only one that knew the actual truth Ava: the only one that could say or do anything for definite James: I didn't want to know, that's my fault Ava: Neither did my brother James: we're as bad as each other Ava: It's more complicated than that James: it won't be to Jay Ava: I don't think Jay is going to understand it like that James: what I mean is, all of this should & could've been sorted out a lot sooner Ava: Maybe Ava: but none of you can go back James: no, we can't Ava: All either of you can do is go from here Ava: God knows what Chloe's next move will be James: as yet she isn't making any James: there wasn't even a card Ava: It's insane Ava: it's like she's dead Ava: playing dead, anyway James: that would be preferable James: at least I'd know what to say to Jay if she were Ava: It's so unfair Ava: that she thinks she gets to do this Ava: that she owes them nothing James: she does get to, neither I nor her parents can stop her Ava: If her parents know where she is though Ava: they could take the kids to her Ava: but then, I suppose all that would result in would be trauma for them Ava: for fuck's sake James: precisely, I can't blame them for being terrified of the scene they'd stumble into Ava: the parent that stays always get shit on Ava: it's not right, this is her mess and she's doing nothing to fix it James: I'll gladly fix it for their sakes, that is what's right James: they've been through enough with her Ava: and you'll do a better job than she ever could Ava: it's just frustrating Ava: but I know you know that more than me, and do not need telling remotely just Ava: I feel angry on all your behalves right now James: you don't know what it means to me, how much you care, even if it is distressing & distracting for you right now Ava: I know you want the best for me Ava: but in the grand scheme of things, me fluffing one essay is not actually the big deal any of my family would like to make it so we don't have to have a bigger conversation Ava: this is important, you are James: an assignment isn't the issue, it's that everyone believes you're consistently putting my importance above yours James: & maybe if it's that glaring to all but me they have a point & I am asking too much of you James: leaning on you too hard through this Ava: No, they don't want to see it, because this whole thing, us, makes them uncomfortable Ava: it'd be my business if I did anyway, every person in a relationship I know does that Ava: but it isn't at the cost of me and my importance anyway James: okay Ava: I promise, James James: I'm doing my best Ava: You're doing amazing James: it doesn't feel that way Ava: no Ava: but the girls are gonna grow up happy, and then it'll be worth it James: are they? Ava: Yes James: I want to believe that Ava: You'll get to see Ava: that doubt, of whether you're fucking it all up, is just part and parcel isn't it Ava: but things will get easier too, day to day like James: whether I fuck it all up again you mean, because I actually have for so long Ava: but you're fixing it Ava: that's what really counts James: but it doesn't erase my past mistakes, they count as well James: every slight against Chloé is also one against me because I stood by & let them happen James: I knew where she was, where she could plausibly still be James: & here I am, continuing to do nothing Ava: at the end of the day though Ava: all anyone really wants from their parents is love Ava: knowing that you love and care about and for them, put in that work, that's what counts Ava: she isn't good for them right now, clearly Ava: maybe she does get to just walk away, regardless of it being unfair James: you're right, clearly James: I'm sorry, it's been a really long day Ava: It really has Ava: what are you doing to wind down? James: I don't know James: what do you suggest? Ava: Depends Ava: you could try to fit in your blue bath Ava: cook yourself your favourite food Ava: we could watch a movie or some really mindless trash TV James: Beautiful Creatures or Beastly are supposedly a must for Twilight fans James: if you've seen those, there's also The Mortal Instruments but I'm not sure how many of those books got made into films James: it feels unwise to risk getting invested in a neverending cliffhanger Ava: I think they made that one into a bad TV series too, after the films bombed Ava: could be an exercise in how not to do it Ava: as well as relaxing James: really? James: well that's settled Ava: I bet it has such a sub-par soundtrack too James: compared to what we're used to, what wouldn't be? Ava: Precisely Ava: after the day we've had, can't be dealing with that level of excitement James: enough that I don't immediately fall asleep after pressing play will be fine Ava: I'll fill you in on the travesties if you do James: no, after the day we've had, I want to spend time with you Ava: I love you James: I love you too

[rogue-barnes-16]

THE PLUS ONE

Summary: Rumors about Gwilym's love life are all over Internet but he always refused to disclose anything. However, after a year of a good and healthy relationship, he decides it's time for the world to know Y/n.

Request: All right doll, Could you write some Blake Shelton or/& Gwilym Lee fanfic for me, it would be awesome!! Love you and your work both of you are amazing 😉😻🌚💦

Pairing: Gwilym Lee x Reader

Genre: fluff

Tags:

Requested by: @marvelieber-rdjr01

Permanent taglist: @notexactlythatgirl @thisismysecrethappyplace @sofreakinmanyfandoms @pizzarollpatrol @bubblycypress87 @sinviix @loislp @lovenaturefirst @dyanna-corona @2ptonpt @goodnightmode @disneyprincessbuffyannesummers @mannls @cutie1365 @catch22inareddress @mybooradley @sebastianisasnack @butifulsoul125 @unlikelygalaxygiver

Warnings: a tiny bit of swearing, ofc!Evangeline

A/N: Idk why it's taking me so much time to write, I apologize. It never happened before, I guess I've been a while without writing. If you sent me a request, don't worry, I'll post it as soon as possible. About this request, it was really special, so I put extra effort on it. I hope you enjoy <3.

Rogue-barnes-16 masterlist

"Darlin'!" my friend called the barman attention by hitting the surface of the barcounter. "my friend wants a martini and..." she gave me a knowing smirk before leaning over the counter. "I want your number."

"what the hell Eva?" I hissed, not able to hold back a chuckle. She shrugged, mouthing a confused 'what now', and I turned to the barman. "she'll have wine. Just wine" I remarked.

The boy on the other side of the barcounter nodded whilst chuckling and served us what we had ordered.

"I mean, I didn't think it'd work but okay"

"yeah, sure" I teased her, nursing my cup. "anyways- what are you doing now?" I asked while she turned her stool to face the people behind us, sitting in the booths. "Eva?"

She opened and closed her mouth a couple of times before actually speaking. "So there's that cute blond boy-" she was cut off by my snort, which made her nudge me. "no, listen. There's that cute blond boy and there's that handsome man staring at you shamelessly."

"wait what?" I hesitantly spun my own stool, following my friend's line of sight until my eyes met with a pair of blue ones which belonged to a tall, slim man staring at me. "shit" I muttered, rapidly coming back to my initial position. "he's hot"

"He's your type." my friend stated whilst sipping her wine. "aw now he's all bashful" she updated me, letting out a laugh. "he's no longer looking, I think he saw you staring"

"bitch" I called her, refraining the temptation of looking at the man once again. "he saw you staring"

"go talk with him" she whispered, resting her back and elbows against the edge of the counter. "he seems shy all from sudden."

"I'm-" this time, I did turn around to check on him once again, and damn, he was attractive as hell. "-not gonna do that."

"Y/n are you kidding me right now?" Eva asked rhetorically. "it's not the moment to be shy." she waited a few seconds for me to move, but when I didn't, she took the matter in her own hands.

"Eva-" I tried to stop her but she was soon walking towards the two men across the pub. "fuck"

I followed her form until she reached them, and then my eyes came back once again to the tall man, making me miss completely the way Eva pointed at me.

It was only when the mysterious man started to make his way towards me, that I realized what had just happened.

Before I had time to kill my friend, who now seemed to be very interested in whatever the blond boy was saying, the man was standing in front of me. "hey there, I'm Gwilym"

"Uh hi. Y/n" I replied, giving him an involuntary smile.

"Your... friend, I suppose?" he questioned, trying to hide his nervousness. "suggested me to buy you a drink instead of..."

"...of staring at me?" I guessed, raising my eyebrows at him, the ghost of a smirk forming on my lips when he nodded sheepishly.

"But, since you already have a drink" he shoved his hands in his pockets, taking a peek at the improvised dance floor in the middle of the pub. "do you want to dance?"

"I mean-" I opened and closed my mouth, meditating my answer. "I'm terrible at dancing."

"me too" he shrugged with a sweet smile dancing on his lips. "but it'll be funny, and if you get bored, I can walk you home" he added, extending his hand to me.

"such a gentleman" I stated, taking his hand, at first just to climb off the stool. However, he intertwined our fingers and leaded me to the middle dance floor, just in time to dance a slow song. "after all, I might not step on your feet."

"lucky me" he replied with a hint of humor in his voice, right before resting one of his hands on my waist while the other held one of my own.

We stayed like that for a long while, lightly swinging at the peaceful rhythm of the melody playing on the pub, lost in each other's eyes.

One Year Later

I was sat in my couch, wrapped in blankets and watching The Diary of Bridget Jones, when I heard my main door opening. "I'm in the living room!" I yelled, guessing it was Evangeline.

"Y/n, love!" my eyes opened widely at the sound of Gwilym's voice. "I'm home!"

"wha- how-" I attempted to move from the couch but it turned out to be almost impossible due to the amount of fabric wrapped around me. "I thought you were on press tour still"

"I am" he replied, walking towards me to kneel before the couch where I was. "but I missed you" I beamed at him, and a second later, he had leaned in to place a tender kiss on my lips "and I wanted to give you a surprise"

"awe" my hands left their cozy haven, recently found in the blankets, to hold both of his cheeks and bring him into another kiss, even though if this time we couldn't stop smiling. "I want more surprises like this one"

He then pulled away from me, holding both of my hands with his. "in that case" a mischievous grin made its way to his lips. "I might have another one" I raised my eyebrows, prompting him to tell me what he was up to. "we- the boys and I- were offered the possibility of taking a plus one with us to the Oscars"

I opened my mouth in agape, not because I had the chance to go to the Oscars —I would fangirl about that later—, but because he was offering me to go with him as his plus one.

"Gwilym" a wave of insecurities visibly washed over him the moment I said his name. "okay, first of all, come here" I pulled him up to sit besides me on the couch, and once he was there, rested my side against the backrest to face him. "I'd love to go." I assured him.

He sighed, a somehow sad smile twisting up the corner of his lips. "but?"

"are you sure you want us to be public?" I asked him softly. "because if you're doing this for me, you don't have to" giving him a smile, I prompted myself on my knees to kiss him. "I'm happy now. Evangeline, Ben and Joe know about us and that's more than enough."

"I know, Y/n" he pulled me onto his lap, giving me another kiss. "I know we're happy like this. And" his thumbs rubbed my hips, something that I managed to feel even through all those layers of fabric. "I'm the one who wanted this to be a secret but-" he bit his lower lip, struggling to find the right words. "I mean- we- now-"

I rested my cheek against his chest and leaded one of my hands to the crook of his neck to trace random patterns there, something I knew that would calm him.

"today we had an interview." he finally starting talking calmly "the interviewer asked me about my hobbies." I felt his fingers combing me hair. "and I wanted to say that I love watching TV shows with you on Saturday nights. I wanted to tell her how much I enjoy helping you cooking because I know you'll burn the kitchen if I'm not there" I slapped his chest playfully, earing a chuckle from him. "I wanted to tell her about our Sunday morning runs, and about our romantic escapades."

"sweet" I commented, lifting my gaze to look at him, who had his beautiful blue eyes on me. "and you want to be able to say those things." he nodded. "100% sure?" he nodded again, this time more eagerly. "then I need to find a dress."

"Evangeline is going to need one too" he informed me with a knowing smile on his face. "Ben is going to ask her to go with him."

"how are you so sure she'll say yes?" he snorted and I shook my head, chuckling. "yeah, don't even answer." I attempted to get up, but Gwilym tugged my arm and I fell back on the couch. "I gotta call her, Gwil."

"not now" he hugged me and made us both lie down on the couch. "I'm tired and needy." I let out a laugh, shifting to have my head comfortably laid over his chest once again. "I'm in the mood for cuddles with my amazing girlfriend"

"You're always in the mood for cuddles" I retorted, throwing one of my arms over his torso and tangling my legs with his. Meanwhile, both his arms wrapped around me, one of his hands finding it's way once more to my hair. "okay. Just for a bit"

"as you wish, love" Gwilym mumbled, already drifting off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"okay guys" one of the coordinators of the staff called our attention. "your turn. All of you go together, but once you reach the middle section of the carpet you can split up, go solo, take pictures or whatever" he stepped aside and prompted us to walk. "first Ben-"

"Jesus fucking Christ. Goddamnit. Fuck. why did I agree? Fucking hell" Evangeline cursed in low voice, holding onto Ben's arm to walk down the red carpet.

"now Joe. Allen, you go next" they both stepped out, and finally, the coordinator turned to Gwilym and me. "Gwilym, your turn."

"ready?" he whispered, securing me by holding my waist.

"yeah I'm just nervous as fuck" I muttered, smiling for the cameras and the paparazzi that were now taking photos of us.

"I'm gonna be honest, I'm so bloody nervous too" I let out a nervous laugh and he did the same right before another coordinator stopped us to stay still a few seconds, so the reporters could take proper pictures of us. "Y/n?"

"yeah?"

"I'm gonna kiss you, don't freak out" I didn't have time to give him any snarky reply before his lips were on mines, his hands holding my cheeks. "You're red" he stated with his eyes still closed.

"you didn't even see me, asshole" I hissed, feeling my whole face burning.

"Don't need to. I know you." he replied, pecking my forehead before letting go of me, for us to face the cameras once more. "Y/n?"

"not another kiss" I warned him, resuming our walk when the coordinator told us to do so.

"No no, at least not now." he leaned on me and whispered on my ear, "I love you"

I spun my face, capturing his lips before replying, "I love you too" with a big beam on my face, that was probably equivalent to the one on his.

[goddess-help-us]

When everything you believed was a lie...

What would you do if the main belief system you followed throughout your life or, at least, through a good portion of it, suddenly seemed like a lie?

This is the position I find myself in as I'm grappling with my reality. I finally completed my move to Portland, the one thing I've been working aggressively towards for the last four years approximately (with varying levels of certainty, throughout that time). And now that I'm here I am having to finally realize that there is seemingly no grand organizing goal or objective around which to assemble my efforts and faculties in the same way that I had experienced under the academia-professionalism track; which began in 2009 upon the the beginning of high school, approximately, and continued through community college, undergraduate education, first job, graduate school, and ended with my hire at my current job. Only a small, meagre 13-year chunk's worth of my lived social-mental programming that I'm trying to undo. What could go wrong? 😜

I gave my life to this purpose. I worked almost half of my life to get to this point. It's no wonder I am having a faith crisis of sorts. And I mean that literally. Faith is simply a set of beliefs that you have. And, as my favorite life coach Amy Logan says, "a belief is simply a thought that you have on repeat." And the beliefs that I had on repeat for the last 13 years may have included some of the following:

Don't worry about anything else apart from staying the course; it'll all work itself out in the end.

Friends are a distraction. You need to stay focused on getting to the next level in your life.

Family will never really love or accept you. Don't get close to them. You'll find "your people" later on.

Devoting your life to school and work will somehow all be worth it in the end.

You need to get out of California. You will never achieve any kind of financial self-sufficiency or stability here.

And certainly don't get involved with anybody until you have finished graduate school. Afterwards a boyfriend/partner/husband will simply materialize magically because you will be "worthy" then. It's science.

The problem with beliefs is that you have faith in these thoughts/conclusions no matter how much they reflect reality. You don't see any holes that others might find and, if they point them out to you, then you naturally have to lean into apologetics if you truly believe them. And then you're in the realm of cognitive dissonance, which is always so fun.

Were these beliefs true? I think they were true for me during that time because I needed them to be true. Again, as Amy Logan says, "think the thoughts you need to think so you can get to where you want to be." And that I certainly did and excelled at doing. But in so doing, I did not give myself the space to really analyze whether they contained flaws. Here's the post-mortem evaluation on the above:

Things in life generally "work themselves out" but more so because of destiny and good fortune rather than because of concentrated effort.

The next level, or levels, of life are not really that enjoyable without friends to experience them with you. Don't let your career be a distraction from the importance of having friends.

The great thing about humans, including family, is their capacity to change. They will not change overnight. But with patience, you can win over almost anyone who really loves you, with some compromise. The people you put on the back burner to find, were actually there with you all along.

School and work will be financially worth it in the end, yes. Intellectually engaging too. However, secure and stable financials are only one measure of a good life. Unless you work for yourself, you will always find problems with most work and not really be in a position to do anything about it. It'll make you go crazy if you obsess over it so simply accept that it'll happen and move on.

It's even harder to be financially stable and self sufficient in California now than it was in the last decade. But that's the case almost everywhere. Getting out of California may lower the overall cost of living but you will pay for it in the lost human infrastructure from which you will isolate yourself and will have to rebuild twice.

You define yourself as worthy when you are ready to accept yourself for who you are at any moment. When you can do that then you will be ready for a relationship. Financial stability will help but is not the ultimate test you must pass to blossom into relationship readiness.

And I'm not saying any of this to say that nothing good has come from them. I have grown and developed dramatically as a result of the unwavering, unfaltering, persevering well of forbearance I drew upon for more than a decade to get to where I am now. I have effectively locked in my parents' socioeconomic class and protected their wealth through my own stability. They will now be able to comfortably retire with few worries about affording healthcare. I have locked in, for now, my ability to live on my own in a city out-of-state from my hometown.

Still, the cost I paid for this was high. I missed out and deferred many experiences in my 20s that I'll now spend my 30's figuring out. And I think the thing I feel the most now that I'm here "living the dream" is that I spent more than a decade sharpening my mind but I didn't spend as much time as I maybe should have on weaving networks of friends together.