#And how my family keeps encouraging my weight loss

[houseofhyde]

thinking abt aemond falling in love w blind!reader.

pairing. aemond x fem!reader warnings. no use of y/n, enemies to friends to lovers, ableism, so much fluff, a little bit of smut, angst (who said that). no mention of the reader's physical description. wrote in one sitting, no edit, we die like real men. wordcount. 3.1k (this was meant to be a short silly drabble) hyde's input. couldn't get this out my mind so, naturally, i'm making it your problem too now. enjoy, muah x disclaimer ! i'm not visually impaired but i do have several family members who are, to different degrees, and i've tried to stay true to what i remember them describing it like to me. the reader in this is completely blind, however, and that is something i do not have any experience in. please, if you feel anything about my portrayal is wrong or offensive, kindly let me know and i will happily fix it <3

the first time you meet is a few days after the events on driftmark.

with his new disability, the septa encourages alicent to change his usual lessons alongside his siblings for ones held with a couple of other impaired children of highborn status living in the keep.

aemond, of course, protests.

nearly kicking and screaming.

yells at his mother that he doesn't want to be thrown in a box with all the other "broken toys".

he ends up going anyway, dragged there by a handful of guards.

sulks throughout the whole first week, sitting alone in a corner.

and he would've continued to do that forever, if you didn't invade his space.

aka sit down next to him and offer him a book.

"go away," he says, the pout on his lips pointing lower to the ground.

"i don't want to," you refute.

"i won't tell you again, go. away."

"who are you to tell me anything?"

it leaves him speechless, because,

who is he? seriously?!

he thinks you have to be some sort of idiot to not recognise your prince

the following days go the same as the first

you sit near him and hold out a book

he tells you to go away

sometimes you listen

(not without first making it clear that you're moving because you want to, not because he told you to)

other days you don't

you just sit there next to him

staring blankly ahead

not even attempting to open the book that sits in your lap

one day, when he's feeling particularly short on patience

(he had his first sparring lesson with ser criston since losing his eye and it went awfully, each hit and stumble he took to the ground made worse by the echo of aegon's laughter ringing out throughout the whole courtyard)

he asks why you never read that book

"are you an idiot, or something? can't you read? is that why you're here?"

despite how smart he is for his age, he seems to not see the irony in him judging you for being part of an impaired group, as if he isn't also right there with you

such introspection would require acceptance of his loss first, and aemond just isn't ready for that.

"i can't read," you confirm

"because you're slow"

"no."

"then why?"

"i can't see the pages," it's the first time he notices that you're not looking at him. you're trying, face turned and eyes pointed in his direction, but you're staring past his shoulder, "i can't see anything."

he feels guilty,

wretched,

and the sickest twist of comfort.

because he understands

or at least he tells himself he does

because he can't see anything either - out of his missing socket, that is.

the other eye can see perfectly clearly how you don't even flinch as you speak about your disability

and that's when the jealousy takes over.

"then what good is it carrying around that stupid book?"

he says it because he wants to be mean.

so mean that you run away and leave him alone to sulk forever more.

but you just sit there, shrug your shoulders and shift the book around in your palm,

"i like to feel the weight of it in my hand. plus, you never know when you're going to need throw it at someone"

he bites his tongue before he can ask how you can hope to hit a target you can't even see.

the hostility remains

for months, years.

but you sit near him,

he stops telling you to go away,

you still offer the book out to him.

he learns your name.

not because he wants to

but because the septa calls it out one day in the classroom

and you're the one that answers to it.

the first time he sees you outside the study room, you're all alone, none of your father's guards around you,

and that's what really makes him stop in his tracks.

"what kind of lord leaves his daughter to wander blindly around the keep?" he almost says with his usual disgust,

until he notices that you don't have your book

and you're crying.

despite his own discomfort, aemond tells himself he has to comfort you.

because he's thirteen, almost a man.

and what kind of respectable man leaves a girl to cry all by herself?

he wipes your tears with the sleeves of his doublet, waits patiently until your breathing slows, then he speaks,

"what happened?"

"it's you," you say it softly, almost like you can't believe he's the one comforting you.

"it's me. now tell me what happened?"

"nothing," you tell him at first,

until he demands the full truth in the name of his father, king viserys targaryen.

"i overheard my mother speaking to my father about me. i didn't mean to! i just wanted to show them how i memorised the path from my chambers to theirs, without an escort. i wanted to prove that i can be useful, and good, and not a burden. i heard them through the crack in their door. she wants him to send me away to join the silent sisters. she says i can't see, so i may as well not speak either. but my father won't listen. he says i'm his daughter, and that he will not send me away. he loves me too much, i worry he'll hate me for it one day."

that familiar guilty feeling creeps in,

the one he's felt lingering on his skin since the day you told him of your visual impairment.

he's suddenly so aware of the fact he can see you,

and your tear-stained face,

and the shades of blue in your dress.

"where is your book?" he asks.

"i dropped it, whilst running through the halls. i just wanted to stop hearing them, i didn't want... i didn't mean to cause any mess, i'm sorry."

in an act that surprises even him, aemond takes your hand in his

and pulls you both to your feet.

he slowly leads you along familiar hallways, turning corners he's turned a million times.

"where are we going?"

"trust me."

you know he's taken you to the library the minute he opens the doors, a whiff of old books hitting your senses.

he guides you to a book shelf, puts your hand up to touch the exposed spines

and tells you to move forward.

"stop when you feel it's right."

you stop after four steps.

your fingers grazing over a book titled Matters Of The Heart: a Compilation of Fictitious Stories on Love and Beauty.

he pulls it out the shelf,

guides you both over to a bench,

open the dust covered book,

and reads to you.

the following day, when your father's guards guides you down next to aemond in the study room

and you hold your book out to him

he takes it,

shuffles a little closer to you,

and softly recites the words off their pages.

from that day forward, you become an infamous pair in the keep.

the one-eyed prince and the sightless girl,

never one without the other.

aemond becomes your shadow, always two steps ahead or behind you.

you pick out books in the library

and he reads them to you both.

he brings you down to the courtyard

and watches how you flinch each time the clack of wooden swords rings out.

it drives him to be better,

learn to see more in his opponents than even two eyes would allow,

just so he can watch how the smile stretches across your face each time he tells you he won.

you grow so close that one day, the king invites your family to join the royals for supper.

aemond tries not to care that you end up sitting so far away from him at the table.

at least he can look down it and spot you seated at your father's side, he tells himself.

when dinner ends and music starts to play,

aemond ceases the chance to sneak away from his seat and steal the empty one by your side, both your parents having stood to speak with the king.

he brushes two fingers along the back of your hand,

a private, tactile language only you two can speak,

one that tells you it's him, without him even having to say a word.

"prince aemond," you say, and he instantly hates hearing you address him so formally. "you look handsome this evening"

"and how would you know that?" there's no hint of the malice, the mockery he once used to speak to you with, back when he was angry little boy and you were a stubborn girl.

now he's a man of fifteen years and anger is far from something he feels next to you.

he watches you shrug and the smile that he likes best - cheeky, playful - slips onto your lips

"my mother won't stop bringing it up. dashing, she said."

"is that so?"

"mhmm. but she also says my father should offer me to your father and have us both wed, what with our cripple-like qualities making us unsuited for any other lord or lady, so, really, what does she know? for all i know, you're the most hideous thing to walk the keep and i should feel blessed that i can't see you."

"imagine how i feel. i still have to see you."

"oh, the horrors! well then, my all-mighty seeing knight-in-eye-patch, would you lend me your sight one moment and tell me."

"tell you what?"

"do i have anything in my teeth?" you bite back your laughter as you open your mouth and put your pearly-whites out on display for him.

he doesn't even care if the sight is unlady-like

or if anyone else at the table has noticed.

he's too busy laughing along with you and telling lies of how a massive piece of veg is stuck between your upper front teeth.

aegon is as aegon has alaways been,

a thorn in aemond's side,

and he makes no exceptions when it comes to you.

he can't help but laugh at you both

mouth stained with wine as he saunters up and leans his face down between you both.

"isn't it amazing how, between you both, there's only one eye that actually works?"

aemond bites his tongue, like he always does when it comes to his brother.

you, however, aren't quieted so easily.

"oh, so amazing! do you know what's even more amazing? how the stench of you always announces your arrival."

it's the first time aemond feels it.

that flutter in his chest.

and once it starts, it doesn't seem to want to stop,

he seeks you out most hours of the day

and thinks of you when he's not with you.

when he notices the bruises that litter your arms

from bumping into corners and walking into walls

he has a cane made for you, to help you more safely make your way through the keep.

it's the greatest gift he can give you: the freedom to walk your own path.

one day, as he's telling you about the recent flight he took upon vhagar, you ask him what the sky looks like.

"well, it's blue"

you blink at him, wait for the ball to drop.

"but you wouldn't know what that means"

he tries to think of something else, a different way to describe the vastness of the sky

"have you ever ridden upon a horse?"

you nod your head

"have you ever ridden fast upon a horse?"

you nod again.

"that feeling, when you're gripping at the reigns, and the horse's hooves beat against the ground like a drum, and the wind takes no mercy on your hair, and, for a moment, there's this... warmth of possibility, anticipation, right here" he guides your hand to rest atop your chest, on the side that your heart rests. "that you can leap and beat any obstacle in your way, and for a moment the world is open, and vast, and limitless. that is what the sky looks like, the perfect place to race upon horseback."

"except you're on a dragon."

"well, yes, but find me a horse that has wings and i promise to take you riding up in the sky one day."

you ask him to describe more things, more often.

the forest.

the iron throne.

the sea.

vhagar.

each book he reads you.

till one day you ask, "what do you look like?"

he tries his best.

he tells you about his signature targaryen hair,

and helps guide your hand up to touch it.

he tells you about his pointed nose,

and guides your pointer finer up to drag itself down the length of it.

he tells you about his jawline,

and lets you feel that part of him too.

"and your eye?" you ask.

he doesn't say anything

but he does peal off his eyepatch

and guide your hand up to run down the length of his scar.

"what does it look like?"

"gross."

"that's funny, because it just feels like skin. is all skin gross?"

"no but this skin... it's damaged."

"i feel something. it's hard," you murmur, as your nail traces over the curve of the gemstone that fills his socket.

"it's a sapphire."

"a sapphire?"

"yes. it's like a precious, shiny, smooth, blue rock."

"what about the other eye, the one that's still there?"

"what about it?"

"what does it look like? what colour is it? eyes have colours, don't they?"

"they do," he says, gazing into the hypnotising shade of your own, "it's blue."

"the sky, the sea, your eyes. i think blue might be my favourite colour."

he falls asleep that night with a smile on his face

his heart relieved that you never asked him to put into words what you look like,

because there simply aren't enough words known to man,

be it in the common tongue

or high valyrian,

to describe how beautiful you are.

he tells you as much, when you do eventually ask.

in the fallout of storm's end, soaked to the bone and regretful,

it's you who his legs carry him to

your chambers, to be exact

it doesn't even cross his mind to care that his knocking at your door awakens you

he doesn't care, loses all ability to do so when he collapses into your arms

"i made a mistake," he tells you, when you ask what's wrong

"that's okay, mistakes help us learn better."

not this one, he thinks

you're so gentle with him

and your skin is so warm against his cold

that he can't help himself

his lips find yours.

his hands find your hips.

his breath gets lost somewhere between you both.

but that's okay,

you're all the air he's ever needed.

he feels selfish, when he guides you over to your bed.

and he knows he should tell you what's happened,

what's changed.

he knows he shouldn't be touching you with hands that are stained by blood.

but he's desperate,

and he's breathless,

and he's so frighteningly in love with you.

"please, aemond," it's you who begs for more.

it's you who tugs on the leather of his jerkin.

it's you who pulls at the cotton of his shirt.

it's you who he gets undressed for.

you both wind up naked upon your sheets,

limb tangled with limb.

"i wish i could see you," you tell him. "but i don't need to see you to know you're beautiful, aemond. i feel it, in everything you do for me."

so he lets his own eye shut.

decides he doesn't need to see you either,

not like this, his skin tainted with the smell of the rain, and his dragon, and the velaryon boy's scream.

and the truth is, he wants to take you like this.

he wants to be cruel, and damn you to a life by his side.

but he looks at you,

naked beneath him,

lips swollen with his kisses,

the shine of your own arousal peaking out from that space between your thighs,

and all he sees is the girl he read stories to.

the girl who swooned and awed over every cheesy line about a knight,

and all his knightly honour,

loving his lady in the way that's deemed right by the gods and the lords.

and aemond just can't bring himself to defile your honour,

not like this.

so even as you whine,

and moan,

and offer up your maidenhead on a platter of your unapologetic beauty,

the prince just continues to edge at both your own pleasures,

hips grinding back and forth,

lips tangling with your own,

voice whispering nos, and we can't do thats, and not yets.

"tomorrow," he promises, the spill of his pre-seed smearing along your pelvis with each stuttered thrust of his hardened cock against your soft skin, "i'm going to ask your father for your hand."

"but, how?" you sound so pretty, he can't help himself and lets his eye reopen, searing the haunting image of you naked and pliant beneath him into his mind's eye.. "your mother... she said you flew to offer your hand to one of the baratheon girls."

"what i promised lord baratheon was a targaryen prince, and i intend to keep that promise," he speaks with so much conviction, skipping over the events of his nephew, and his dagger, and his joyride in the sky. "daeron is a boy of sixteen, he can have her. but i, i will belong to you."

the will to leave you, maidenhead still intact, somehow finds its way into his heart

he doesn't fail to leave you sated, however,

his finger dancing along the pretty pearl that has you whining his name and losing your mind upon the mattress.

he keeps his word,

wakes not with the urgent need to discuss last night's war-inciting events with his mother

but with the burning desire to find your father and win his approval

he doesn't find him in his quarter of the keep.

or in the training yard.

or in his seat at the small council.

what he does find is his fear stricken mother,

his stoic grandfather,

his giggling brother.

"aemond, what have you done?"

he doesn't answer

they already know what he done,

the whole realm likely knows, his half-sister too.

so he asks what he really cares about,

asks where your father is.

"he's gone," his mother answers.

"after he heard about your business with lucerys," aegon continues. "the traitor's taken his family to dragonstone and bent the knee to our bastard-bearing cunt of a sister."

so yeah that's what i'm thinking about.

anyway, goodnight <33

[wardenparker]

The Unbearable Weight of Perfection, ch 9

Javi Gutierrez x female reader Co-written with @absurdthirst

When an accident of fate throws Javi G into the path of his soulmate, his instinct is to dive in head first. Adjusting to life as the fated partner of someone you barely know is going to be harder than either of you suspect, but anything worth having is worth working for. Isn't it?

(This story is heavily inspired by the lovely house museums that I work in every day and the fantastic few months that HBO was using our houses to film a TV show in fall! I spent each day on that set in wonder and I can't wait to share the experience with all of you through this story.)

Rating: E for Explicit! 18+ Word Count: 12.6k Warnings: *Blanket warnings for this story include: Cursing, alcohol, food, references to abusive family members -- i.e. Lucas, discussion of money/finances.* Talk of pregnancy/family planning. Family drama. Vaginal sex, unprotected sex, lovemaking. Summary: Javi encounters a little trouble working on his next script, so you decide to get away for the weekend - to an unconventional destination. Notes: Sorry for the slight delay this week, gang. And to the few of you who pointed out a missing section in the last chapter, I will be fixing it this week. Please accept my sincerest apologies for that editing snafu.

Ch 1 ~ Ch 2 ~ Ch 3 ~ Ch 4 ~ Ch 5 ~ Ch 6 ~ Ch 7 ~ Ch 8

Thursday, June 5, 2025

Blowing out a breath, Javi stares at the screen and the cursor that seems to mock him as it blinks at him. After weeks of the scenes pouring out of him, he’s hit a wall. Unable to decide where the scene and ultimately, the film, will go. He needs a change of scenery, he decides as he pushes back from his desk. Needing to see you and remind himself of the character he has envisioned. “Sweetheart?”

“In the living room!” You’ve been hard at work for days with an idea of your own and feel like you’ve barely come up for air except to work and have meals with Javi. Designing clothes again after so long has your mind buzzing.

He takes his time, stopping by the kitchen for a drink and making sure he gets one for you. You are so like him when you are in the middle of something, ignoring your needs. “How is it going?” He asks as he sets down the cup on a safe surface. He has learned his lesson when he had spilt a cup on some of your delicate fabrics. He had felt guilty and had insisted on going to buy you more, even though you said it could probably be washed out.

“I think,” you’re beaming, grinning, and practically giggling as you add one final streak of color to your sketch. “I finally have a design.”

“That’s great!” Javi beams, delighted that you are so absorbed in your hobby. He loves it, encourages it. Knowing how much guilt you push down from the way your family acted about your passion.

“It’s a little dramatic,” you admit. “But I know you wanted us to match, so I tried to keep the theme throughout.” When you flip your sketchbook around to show him, the image of a floor-length red evening gown with a cowl neckline, plunging low back, and dramatic wings exposing your back and shoulders that taper down to small buttons before giving way to the slight train off the long skirt is matched by the jacket-less tuxedo design as its partner. The last steak is color you added was the matching red stripes of material up his pant leg, which compliments a matching black set of pants and waistcoat in stunning jacquard fabric. The dramatic wings of your gown’s back are echoed in the lapels of the waistcoat, the small buttons are the same design as that of your gown. The pieces work in tandem as a set. The only added accent of color is the soft, almost imperceptible yellow of the dress shirt you’re going to make him. As if the shirt itself had been antiqued.

“It’s…” Javi is at a loss for words as he stares at it for a moment, honestly wishing that somehow this piece had been created for the film. “Stunning.” He whispers, not touching the drawing but his fingers edge around the page. “It looks like a modern era romantic costume.” He adds, looking up at you. “I love it.”

“I was thinking about adding a pocket to the waistcoat…” you bite your lip, cheeks warm with how excited he seems. “To put a red pocket square inside. Unless you think that’s too much?”

“No, it’s perfect.” He argues, shaking his head. “The exact fabric of the dress, sí?”

“Yes! Exactly. To carry the color through.” His excitement is always so infectious and you’re grinning again. “I don’t know what I want to do about shoes yet, but if I can find you glittery dress shoes I might burst with excitement.”

“If we can’t find what you want, we can always have them made he reminds you. “The costume department loves you and they work with everyone.”

“I can’t imagine it’s difficult to make glittery Oxfords,” you hum, chewing on your lip for a second. “I wonder if Louboutin makes them? Imagine black glitter on top with that red sole?”

“Call them up and see.” He says casually. “Tamara is in talks to model their women’s line.”

“Call them up?” You snort, huffing at him for being so casual about it. “Who am I to just call up Christian Louboutin and ask for custom shoes?”

“You are Javier Gutierrez’s wife - soulmate -” he scoffs back at you playfully as he pulls out his wallet and retrieves a black credit card, “who has one of these.” He knows money talks more than anything else. With unlimited funds, they would do anything you wanted.

“I’m never going to quite get used to the kind of power your name has in this town,” you tell him, leaning over the table to kiss him softly. Though Javi is relatively new in Hollywood he’s already getting a lot of attention — and his name opens a lot of doors. The rest? He’s right, the high budget opens the rest of the doors for him.

“I want you to have what you want.” He smiles. “Your exact vision.”

"Thankfully, we have time for me to get my gumption up." Once again, his utter faith in you has you believing that anything actually is possible. It's amazing the way he can do that every time. "But tell me how your work is going, love. We've both been at our projects all day."

Javi sighs softly, his shoulders slumping slightly. “Not good.” He admits, eyes dropping down to the tops of his house shoes. Feeling a little like he had let you and everyone else down. “I’ve written two sentences.”

"Oh, honey." He puts such hard expectations on himself, and he is always his harshest critique. "That's okay. Not every day is going to be a massive outpouring of words."

“Yeah.” He sighs again, feeling your hand going to his back and rubbing gently. “I might need a change of scenery.”

"Like getting out of the house to clear your head, or are we talking getting out of town for the weekend?" The filming schedule is a little different this week and you have extra days off so Javi might be thinking of taking advantage of that.

“Either, both.” He shrugs. “I don’t know.” Being so indecisive on the movie means that he’s indecisive on everything. “But you have your work too.”

"We're not filming again until Monday," you remind him, leaning in to press a kiss to his temple. "I can take a break now that I have a design for our premiere outfits. Why don't we get out of town for a few days? See if we can wipe some of that worry away?"

“I don’t want to pull you away if you need to get started.” He knows getting away would help, but he also feels incredibly guilty about that.

"Sweetheart." Another kiss to his other temple and you smile softly. "I'm making two outfits for an event that is at least a year away. I can more than spare a few days to help you. I'd be glad to."

“Are you sure?” His question is soft, vulnerable. Hoping you aren’t just telling him what he needs to hear.

"I'm very sure." You promise him. Both of your hands slip around his to hold onto him, offering him the gentle strength of support. "Tell me where you want to go and I'll book the trip while you shower off this uncertainty."

“You pick.” He lifts his brows and gives you a pleading look. “Whatever you want.”

"Okay," you agree, giving him another kiss. "Go pack for a weekend away and I'll be upstairs as soon as I make the arrangements." You know what will help – or at least you have an inkling – and though it may end up being uncomfortable at times, helping Javi is worth it.

“Thank you.” He smiles and leans in to steal one more kiss. “I love you, amor.”

"I love you, too." Otherwise, you wouldn't be about to do what you're going to do. But for Javi? You're realizing that you really would give him anything.

Javi lets you go, reluctantly, but he knows your advice to shower away his frustration is a good one. You always know what he needs, even if he doesn’t.

As soon as he heads upstairs, you pull open your laptop and set to work booking the hotel and plane tickets, as well as arranging the rental car. Hopefully this helps. Hopefully you're not about to put yourself through the emotional ringer for nothing.

******

Friday, June 6, 2025

“Where are we?” He knows the destination, he got on the plane, but he has not idea why you brought him here. Wheeling his carry on, he follows as you lead him towards the car rental signs. You had just smiled at him as you bundled him into the car once you got the keys.

"This..." As if the world has summoned the most dramatic possible timing, you point out the upcoming road sign with a half-smile. Welcome to Mystic, CT it says in bright, cheery lettering. "Is my hometown."

“Are you—” he hadn’t expected that answer and he stares out the window in shock. “Your hometown…”

"You said you were stuck," you explain, hoping that this decision was the right one. Flying first class on the overnight flight to the east coast was gorgeous, but you could have flown anywhere. "And since the character is based on me...I hoped giving you some insight into how I grew up and where I came from might help?"

“It’s …it’s perfect.” He admits, twisting his head to look at you with concern on his face as he reaches for your hand. “But are you okay with being here?”

"I mean, I didn't call my parents or anything." That would be a huge step too far for you and you weren't prepared to do it in any way. "But showing you the things I actually like about this town? I can do that."

“Oh.” He nods seriously, understanding. You might never introduce him to your parents and he can accept that. “Then we will do just that.” He smiles. “Show me everything you liked here.”

"You know it's nothing to do with you." Driving into town, you head for the hotel that you registered for early check-in at. "It's that my step-dad is a dick bag who brainwashed my mom into being the worst version of herself." You sigh softly, turning right into the parking lot. "My actual father was her soulmate. I only remember him being happy and supportive. Even if that's just what he showed to his kid, at least it's a good thing, right? And then right after he died, she met Scott. And shit just went way downhill from there."

“Sweetheart,” he frowns slightly as he unbuckles his seatbelt. “You don’t have to justify it to me.” He snorts. “My cousin tried to kill me, remember? I wouldn’t let you within one hundred meters of him. I understand.”

"We really have the best families, don't we?" You huff, rolling your eyes to make him life as you park the car.

“Another little thing we have in common.” He agrees. “It doesn’t matter, we have made our family what we want it to be.”

"Yes we have." And for that you will be forever grateful. Javi understanding that family doesn't have to be blood has been amazing.

“Are we going to sleep before taking on your town?” Sleeping on a plane is never the best rest and he’s actually tired.

"We can if you want to." You sleep a hell of a lot better on planes than he does, but you wouldn't mind a nap. "It's still early. What if we take a nap and get up for lunch time?"

“Are you sure?” He feels like he’s nothing but a burden right now and he hates that feeling.

"I'm sure." Unbuckling your seatbelt and stretching, you lean across the center console to give him a kiss before opening the driver's side door of the rental car. "Come on, mi amor. Believe it or not, there's a lot of stuff to do in this little town. A nap is a good idea before we get started."

“Just an hour or so.” He promises, knowing that he will feel better when he’s laying next to you, wrapping up in your arms.

"If you need more, that's okay, too," you promise him.

“Lead the way.” He agrees, eager to see a place from a movie he’s seen. It’s been a long time, but he has a feeling you will be watching it together sometime this weekend.

Back to the car and off across town, the original location for Mystic Pizza is mostly the same as you remember it as a kid. It's still fairly clean and welcoming, the staff are still mostly pretty girls and all wearing t-shirts with the place's logo on them. It's an oddly warm sort of feeling, actually, but you welcome it. When the cheerful blonde seats you in a booth next to a window and hands you menus, you actually breathe a little easier. At least in this place, there's no chance of running into your mother. She still hates anywhere that your dad loved.

“What was your favorite pizza as a child?” He asks. “Pepperoni? Or were you adventurous?”

"They had this special..." you trail off slightly, looking down to check the menu and see if it's still there. "Here." It's right at the top, which somehow makes you feel an unexpected kind of warmth. "I guess it's their house special. Pepperoni, meatball, sausage, green peppers, onions, and mushrooms. That's what Dad and I would get."

“Then that’s what I want.” He decides immediately, wanting to bring back as many positive memories for you as he can. He can practically see you when you were younger from the few photos you’ve shown him. Making him smile as he imagines a little girl of his own that manages to look like your twin.

"If we're doing the childhood special, then we also need root beer," you tell him, and laugh at the memory of it. "Root beer in glass bottles felt like the fanciest thing in the world. Billie and I would pretend they were beer."

He chuckles. “Then I guess I shouldn’t tell you that I grew up drinking wine.” He teases.

"With where you grew up, that makes perfect sense." When a waitress comes over, Javi lets you order and hands over his menu with yours easily. "I would honestly be more surprised if you hadn't grown up drinking wine."

“I wish I still had some bottles from our collection.” He admits with a sigh. “My grandfather made wine when he was young and bored. Lucas finished it all off.”

"Lucas sounds better and better all the time." At least he's in prison now. Far away from Javi where he can never hurt him again. That's the solace you take whenever your husband's cousin comes up in conversation.

“He loved the wine.” He shrugs. “Claimed I was too sentimental. Wine is made to be drunk.”

"I love that you're sentimental," you counter, reaching over the table to take his hand. "And there's nothing wrong with wanting to keep physical memories."

“He would always open bottle on special occasions. My grandfather.” Javi tells you. “He would have loved you.”

"My father would have liked you, too." Your fingers are intertwined on the table top now. Something so habitual of the way you are together – always touching, always making sure the other is okay. "He always told me that whoever I found to spend my life with would have to shine just as specially as I did. You definitely would have fit that bill to him."

Having approval of his soulmate’s parent is always something that Javi had wondered. His failings as a person, as a man, were always so glaringly obvious in his family but he smiles as he thinks about what could have been. “He sounds amazing.” Javi admits. “My father…he always wanted more.” He squeezes your hand. “But at the end, he just hoped I found my soulmate. He would have enjoyed you. Your sass, your quiet strength.”

“My father would have liked your sense of humor.” All the memories you have of the man involve laughter and play. Of course you were little, but it always seemed to you like your mother forgot how to laugh after your father died. “And he would have loved how we met, too. The romance of it all.”

“He was a romantic?” Javi asks, encouraging you to talk about your father as much as you can remember. It helps you, especially after your mother had all but banned you from talking about your father.

“I think so.” The waitress comes back with your drinks and you smile and thank her before she speeds off again to help other tables. “I remember him always giving mom little presents. And bringing home flowers every Friday when he came home from work.”

“Every Friday?” He is impressed and makes a note to start bringing you flowers. Your face softened and your eyes fluttered when you spoke about it and he wants to show you that kind of love.

“Every Friday.” You confirm with an unconscious nod of your head. “My stepdad did this…He doesn’t like effort. So when they got engaged he bought her fake flowers and told her they were better because they never die. I don’t know how she fell for it.”

“That’s…” Javi makes a face of disapproval. “Efficient.” He decides tactfully, although his inner monologue is screaming ‘cheap!’.

“It sucks,” you agree flatly.

“What else can you tell me about him?” He asks. “What kind of things did he take you to do besides eat pizza?”

“He tried to get me into sports,” you snicker. “And when that failed, he started taking me to museums and the aquarium. We’d go sightseeing a lot. Play tourist in our state and the states nearby.”

“So you feel close to your father when you work.” Javi observes. “Tying back into your memories of visiting museums with your father.”

“I…” You pop the cap off of your root beer and look up at your husband in quiet surprise. “I actually never thought of it like that.”

“You haven’t?” It’s his turn to be surprised, blinking at you for a couple moments. “I had just assumed—” he gestures. “Honestly, I immediately wondered if that was why your mother insisted on history for your degree.”

“My mother just didn’t want me to study fashion.” That clarification is something that still nudges you, but it is what it is at this point. “Scott convinced her that they should pull my tuition payments if I studied something impractical. I picked history because I couldn’t stomach the idea of giving up on art altogether.”

“My mistake.” Javi does try to see the good in everyone, a terminal condition he’s afraid. “At least they didn’t want you to go the Finance route.” He huffs, threading his fingers through yours and bringing your knuckles up for a kiss.

"It's not a mistake, love. I just didn't notice the connection before."

Javi hums softly, watching you look out the window as you reconcile that.

When you seem to have digested at least a percentage of those thoughts for now, you look back to Javi with soft eyes. "Can I take you to our favorite place after lunch?"

“Absolutely.” He agrees with the quickest nod. “I want to see that.”

"It's a museum," you clarify, although you don't have to. "A living history museum of a little whaling village where the employees dress in period costume and teach you about different parts of life in a village in the mid-1800s."

“Oh!” His eyes light up. “That is amazing. I – would love to see that.”

"It's a really neat place. They used to have car shows every summer when I was a kid, too. Antique cars and fire engines." His enthusiasm is always infectious, but today in particular, it's soothing as well.

“Oh wow.” That piques his interest. “I used to have a few cars that would be considered classics, but unfortunately American cars were hard to get.” He could have imported them, but he hadn’t tried for some reason.

"You want to build your collection again, don't you?" You ask, smiling at your husband's wide eyes. "Thats why you wanted the oversized garage."

“What? No.” He chuckles softly and shakes his head. “Maybe a few cars?” He offers. “Nothing drastic. Not like the hanger of cars I had before.”

"As long as we have something that is safe and practical once we have kids." That's your bargain. Your only actual concern. What Javi does with his high earnings is up to him, especially because you're already more than comfortable even before his movie paychecks.

“I think we should get the G-Wagon for the kids.” He tells you. “It’s more reliable than a Range Rover.”

"Then we'll do a test drive when the time comes," you agree. "Once we decide we're ready and want to start trying."

“Or we can buy one now and get you used to driving it.” He offers with a grin and a small shrug. “When you don’t want to take the Porsche.”

"Test drive first?" Tempering Javi's excitement is sometimes a full-time job, but you don't mind. Not when it involves things like getting excited about your future together.

“Of course.” He agrees, nodding because he knows he can shower you with another gift. He loves giving you things. It’s how he shows you he cares.

"Agreed." You're both smiling when the pizza comes, something which happened so often in this restaurant when you were a kid that it only seems right for it to happen now. Hopefully this trip helps Javi. If not, you'll try again with a new destination. But so far it's helping you more than you thought possible.

The pizza smells amazing and he’s just happy to be here. Watching your eyes light up with happy memories of your father. Pizza should be a scene. Something to invoke those flashbacks. He bites his lip and makes a note of it.

"The trick," you tell him as the pizza gives off steam in front of you. "Is to add chili flake. It's good on its own, but I know you like spicy food as much as I do."

“Show me.” Javi is never shy about requesting to see what you mean and he’s grabbing the shaker of red chili flakes and holding it out to you.

Pulling off a slice for each of you, you dust them both with a healthy but not overwhelming amount of chili flakes, making sure to leave the rest of the pizza untouched in case he likes it better without.

“American pizza, from a movie famous place.” He’s had plenty of pizza before, he loves it, but this is special. He lifts up his slice when you do and smiles. “Thank you.”

"Of course." His smiles really do light up every room, and you beam it back at him in turn. "I'd do anything for you, mi amor. Taking you out for pizza is the least of it."

“You do so much more for me than just that.” He insists but then he’s diving into the slice with a hungry eagerness. Groaning when the taste hits him and he rolls his eyes in pleasure.

"Good?" You ask, although it's obvious from his face that he likes it.

“Amazing.” He takes another bite and wiggles slightly in his seat with his own little happy dance.

And that is how you and Javi end up eating a chili-flake-covered lunch at Mystic Pizza before heading out to Mystic Seaport. You can only laugh when he observes how half the businesses in town seem to be named after the town somehow, because he’s right. Even your hotel is the Inn at Mystic.

******

“This was just what I needed.” He throws himself back on the bed and sighs happily. He had left his laptop back in L.A., wanting to unplug, but his notebook is full of ideas and little snippets to include in the script. He rolls his head to the side. “Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome.” There’s one more surprise for him tonight, but right now you’re just glad to see him light and bright and smiling again. So much so that you open your arms to welcome him into your side without hesitation.

Javi moves closer, always eager to get closer to you. He wraps his arms around you and pulls you in as he does. “You always know exactly what I need.”

"You take such good care of me," you remind him, even though he knows that very well. "I try to repay that kindness and love any time I can."

“I don’t do half of what I want to.” He promises, burrowing into your neck happily and kissing your pulse.

That makes you hum a little, and laugh along with it. "You'd go crazy if I said you could, wouldn't you?"

“Nooooooo.” He huffs, pouting slightly against your skin and answering in a tone that means the complete opposites. He absolutely would if you let him.

"Mmhmm," you giggle, tilting your head a little to give him more access but leaning in to nip at his jawline all the same. "Sure, baby."

He groans softly, shuddering at the pressure of your teeth. He loves when you are just as touchy and affectionate with him as he craves.

"I love you, baby." Murmured into his skin it's almost like a prayer, and you love the way he gravitates in toward you like a magnetic force is pulling him.

“I love you too.” It’s almost crazy how much he loves you. As if he is obsessed. He can’t even fathom how someone could have this, love like this and turn away from it. You shuffle closer and press against him, making him immediately think of touching you.

His hand finds your hip and squeezes, making you hum softly, and you lean into his touch without hesitation. "You were right..." Dragging your lips across his skin when you whisper into it makes both of you shiver. "These little getaways are fun."

“How is it for you?” He asks, even as he kisses your shoulder. “Being here?” He knows that you left on bad terms and he hopes that one day he can show you his home, knowing the turmoil would be the same for him as it has to be for you.

"It doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would," you admit, with your face still buried in his neck. "I guess it's been long enough that I'm sort of numb to a lot. Bringing you is...it's bringing the good back."

“Good.” He murmurs softly, his hand sliding up to your back to rub it gently. “I want you to lean on me if you need to.” He’s learned that he’s responsible enough to be that person, especially for you.

"I know I can. And I do." Unlearning the idea that your emotions – and existence – are a burden to your love ones has taken a while, but to make your marriage a healthy one you would do a hell of a lot harder things.

“I like it.” He admits softly. “That you can count on me.” He smiles against your skin. You snuggle closer and sigh as your hands slowly slide up and down his arms and back.

One of your hands slips under his shirt, savoring the touch of bare skin to bare skin, and you tip your chin back to be able to kiss him softly. "You're better than my sweetest dreams, amor. In every way."

He can feel the shift. The silent question you won’t voice but that you need answering. He hums, tilting his head down to meet your lips. The air growing thicker between you in those few seconds.

Javi is the best man you have ever known in your life. Period. There is no debating that for you. But it always seems to surprise you when he reminds you that he feels the same way about you. The fact that you are soulmates has knit you together so well that you wonder how you didn't just imagine each other into being. And it permeates everything – even the charge of sexual tension that comes in like a heavy fog to surround you. You're allowed to want him – your lover, your husband, your soulmate. But it still takes you by surprise sometimes and you gasp into his kiss as the feeling takes you over again.

You are his drug, his addiction. His want and need poured into you until he fears that he is obsessed. He’s aware that he has obsessive tendencies, well aware, but this is deeper. His fingers turn coaxing, sliding under your clothes as you respond to him with an enthusiasm that makes his blood sing.

His hands, disarmingly broad like the rest of him, begin a slow exploration of your skin that has nothing to do with the fact that he has every inch of you memorized. It’s coaxing and exposing, and your own needs mirror his exquisitely. The only difference for tonight is that when you peel away his clothes, he’ll be bare. But when he peels away yours, he’ll find the gorgeous little lingerie set you bought to surprise him with.

Javi loves worshiping you. Loves pressing kisses to your skin and whispering words of affection and desire to you. Always wanting to make you feel like you are the most precious thing he has, because you are. “Hermosa.” He murmurs softly, unbuttoning your pants and pulling your shirt out of it.

“Mi vida…” your answer comes on a sigh, and you shift on the bed ever so slightly to make it easier for him to start to undress you.

Fabric is peeled away. Javi finds it incredibly ironic that you love making clothes, dressing yourself, but he loves you best when you are stripped down and wearing nothing but the smile he adores.

His hands still when he finally gets your first layer discarded on the floor, finally taking a moment to drink in the dark crimson lace lingerie set you’ve been hiding under your clothes all day.

“Amor.” His eyes are greedy, so greedy as he stares at you. “You wore this for me?”

“Of course I did.” You’d excused yourself to the surprisingly spacious bathroom in first class on the plane and swapped your comfy cotton underwear for something more appealing just before landing. “I thought it was romantic. We’ve been married two months this weekend.” Which is nothing in the broad scheme of things, but you love every second spent with him and intend to celebrate.

He doesn’t know how he missed you putting this on this morning, but he’s smirking slightly as he imagines taking it off. “Two months.” He hums. “That deserves celebrating.”

“It absolutely does.” You could not agree more.

Javi memorizes this moment, the way you look up at him and he lunges down to kiss you. Letting his passion for you take over as he does.

There is a reason you hadn’t planned on doing anything on your first night of your weekend away. This was your plan. A night of forgetting the world exists while you make love to your soulmate. Could you do this anywhere? Of course. But treating Javi as the most special person in your life is a standard because he is exactly that. He has been the perfect husband in so many ways so you strive to be the perfect wife in return, and in holding yourself to those high standards you’re building something incredible together.

Now it is time to admire his gift and the only way to do that is up close. Javi’s mouth trails over the lace and silk, hands touching what his lips don’t. Whispering praises and promises in equal measure.

It's heaven, to be alone and to be indulgent with him. To be Javi's sole focus is to be the center of the universe. To be the only thing that matters in the world. It is to be worshipped, plain and simple.

He loves the skimpy, sexy little lingerie, but he enjoys ripping it off of you. “Oops.” He huffs, grinning because he’s not really sorry.

"And that," you huff, tongue firmly in cheek even as you sigh over his hands on you. "Is why I will never buy expensive lingerie."

“Is that why?” He runs his nose up your sternum. “But I really like ripping the expensive things.”

“Oh do you?” Your breath flutters along with your racing heartbeat as he drags his tongue along your skin and nips at the places he knows are most sensitive.

“I do.” He chuckles, making it sound like he is repeating his vows again.

The warmth of his breath against your skin makes you hum, and you rake your fingers through his curls to make him look up at you again. "I do too, mi amor."

He knows what you mean and his face flushes with pure pride in knowing that you chose him. Not just because of the universe saying you belong together, but because you want him.

The softness of the moment doesn’t dampen the heat, only morphing it into something with a deeper meaning, and you nudge your nose against his to steal a kiss. “You know you’re the best thing that ever happened to me, right?”

"I know that my life wasn't complete until I found you." He hums, his hands slowly reaching for yours and tangling his fingers with yours.

"Neither was mine." His hand is easy to bring to your lips, but you lean up to kiss him immediately afterward.

You take his breath away. Javi squeezes your hand as he shifts up, pressing down onto you and then he untangles his hand to push under your back and pull you closer.

When every shred of clothing is pulled away and he finally slides inside you, it feels like coming home. Your legs hitched up over his hips to hold at his waist keep him just as close as his arms do and every breath you take mingles together to become a panting sigh with every thrust and roll of hips.

Making love is his passion, his purpose. His reason for drawing this breath. Feeling connected in the most intimate way and bursting with love.

No time spent showing each other the depth of your love and devotion could ever be anything but bliss. So many nights are given over to that dedication that some of your friends have probably made sly comments about it, but you and Javi never give up the opportunity to pour your hearts and bodies into fully dedicating time to lovemaking. To worshipping each other. To proving entirely that the heart you carry on this earth belongs to each other.

“I love you.” The reverence in his words is almost mocked by the sharp snap of his hips. Desperation for you to come apart making his thrusts faster, harder. Giving you the pace that seems to drive you wild. “Fuck, I love you.”

Vows and praise echo between you, chasing that perfect release, until the moment you tumble over the edge together. The force of your orgasm brings him right along with you, leaving the two of you wrapped around each other still murmuring words of love in the afterglow.

Javi loves laying with you, just like this. Both of you sweaty and satiated, his mind drifting to the future. “I think we should start trying for a baby after the movie premiers.” He murmurs softly, stroking your arm gently as you listen to his heartbeat slow.

“That will be…” Trying to do math in your head is a little tricky when he’s just pushed all the logic out of your head, but you hum while you think. “The movie is coming out for Valentine’s Day. We could be pregnant by our first anniversary.”

“How do you feel about that?” He asks. “Too soon?” He’s worried that he’s pushing, but he’s also completely obsessed with starting your family together.

“Amor, if I hadn’t just designed a fitted silk gown for the premier, I would say the wait is too long.” You turn your head to be able to look at him fully and punctuate it with a resounding kiss. “Good thing I have plenty of time to design something else if I want to.”

“That’s why I said after the premier.” He promises, unwilling to compromise even a little about the both of you wearing a creation of your imagination to a telling of his own. It was symbolic balance in his mind.

“We can start trying a little before.” Now that he’s opened the lid on this particular can of worms, you’re excited to dream about it. “Even if I were a few months pregnant for the premiere, it would be okay.”

“Why don’t we start trying when filming ends?” He suggests. “That way it will be a little closer to the premier and you won’t have to worry about fitting into your dress?”

You bite your lip, suddenly giddy at the thought even though you know there is a whole other section of filming to be done before then. Months more of work that can't happen just yet. It's a long process but it's so, so wonderfully worth it. "Yes. That's perfect."

He looks just as equally excited and he swallows slightly, eyes suddenly suspiciously moist. “Perfect.”

Leaning up to kiss him, you don't stop trailing your lips gently across his face until you've kissed away the moisture from under his eyes well. "I'm so grateful for you, mi amor. Every day and in every possible way."

“I want to make you proud.” He murmurs. “Everyday. I want you to be proud that I am your soulmate.”

"I am proud of you." And that feeling grows every day, as remarkable as it is. "And I always will be. Just like I'll be proud to walk the red carpet with you, carry your baby, do silly little errands with you, and anything else we could ever think to do together."

******

Saturday, June 7, 2025

“Where today, amor?” Javi asks as he scoops some eggs into his fork. The diner is close to the hotel, a place you said you worked when you were in high school.

"We could walk around downtown today if you want to?" The French toast is still every bit as good as you remember it being, and so is the coffee. It's actually nice to revisit a few places, since there are still some good memories here. "Or go to the aquarium? Whichever we don't do today can be tomorrow's plan."

"What would be your perfect day?" He asks, brows up as he considers the options. "When you were younger? If you could plan a day to be as selfish as you could be and indulge in what you wanted?"

"That's what I do now." Across the table, you put your hand over his and squeeze gently, making your rings wink in the yellowed diner light. "I get my nails done with my best friend, we eat whatever we like, and have amazing jobs." He looks at your doubtfully, making the smirk bloom on your lips. "But, if we're talking about high school me? I would comb through the used books in the basement of Lavelle Books, get a frappe from Drawbridge, and...probably go walk around Mystic River Park."

“Books?” He perks up at that. Since writing screenplays, he has become a voracious reader as well. Culling ideas and images from the words better than any movie ever could. “Then that is what we will do.”

“I didn’t think you would mind the bookstore.” Javi is almost as avid a reader as you are, and the bookshelves in the little house are full to bursting. Somehow you don’t think you’ll have trouble filling the shelves of a full library when the big house is finished.

“Not at all.” He agrees. “How is your French Toast?” He asks, knowing that you had been happy to see your favorite breakfast special was still available.

“Just as good as I remember.” Nostalgia can be like that, but you still grin happily and motion toward his plate. “What do you think of your omelet?”

“It’s good.” He nods and smirks before he takes another bite. “Though it’s not as good as those you made two weeks ago.” He praises. “Those were amazing.”

“You like every breakfast better when it comes after sex,” you tease.

“What can I say?” He winks at you as the waitress walks towards you with the coffee pot. “Food tastes better when your pussy lingers on my tongue.”

“Javi!” Your hiss his name and swat playfully at his hand, but the waitress didn’t hear him. It’s just your cheeks burning with affectionate embarrassment when she gets close enough to refill your cups and drop off the check.

He laughs, grinning at you while your fluster. “Tell me I’m wrong?” He asks after thank the lady with a nod of his head and a quick flash of a polite smile.

“If I did, that would be a lie,” you point out, snatching the bill away to pay it yourself. “And I never lie to you.”

He huffs at you, frowning slightly when you pull your card out of your purse. “Use the credit card, amor.” He chides. “That is what it is for.” He shakes his head, slightly amused because he’s never met a woman so unwilling to spend his money in all his life.

“I want to treat my soulmate in my hometown,” you insist. “This was part of my dream when I was little too.”

He grunts, sure that you are making that up, but he doesn’t argue with you. “Fine.”

“Yeah,” you smirk, always ready to pay him a compliment. “You definitely are a fine looking man.”

He rolls his eyes, but there is a hint of a pull to his lips as he lifts his coffee cup.

After you finish your last cups of coffee, you decide to leave the rental car in the lot nearby where you parked it and walk, heading through town toward your old favourite bookstore which sits at the mouth of the boardwalk. It actually is a cute little town when you look at it through the eyes of a tourist and you're glad you decided to bring Javi here. The chance to clear his head and to put some distance between you and the bad memories of your hometown is worth it.

There is something almost idyllic about strolling through a small town with your hand folded into his. Charming in its simplicity and comforting in the small smiles and nods of acknowledgement from residents as you pass by. Shops are open, welcoming. Eye catching displays making both of you pause as you make your way past.

The trip to your favorite bookstore ends in needing to purchase a canvas bag so you can carry the heavy load of new-to-you books, but Javi happily shoulders the weight and takes your hand again while you head off down the boardwalk again — explaining as you go that a frappe is just a kind of milkshake and it’s not some earth-shattering new sweet that he’s been missing out on his whole life.

“So we could make this at home?” He asks, tilting his head as he tries to understand beyond just the memory attached to it.

“Absolutely.” The ice cream shop is in sight, and you point out the bustling storefront to him. “I’m pretty sure I can get malted powder on the internet. I don’t think I’ve ever seen it in a store and that’s the secret ingredient.”

“Malted powder?” Now he frowns as he looks over you. “Like Whoppers?” He loves American candies and would have them shipped over for this movie theatre candy hoard.

You giggle, delighted that he made the connection but also at the adorable look of confusion on his face. “Yup.”

“Interesting.” He hums, smiling at your obvious happiness. “You have never shown me any food or drink that you love that I have not adored.” He reminds you. “I am sure I will be obsessed.”

“You’re going to love it.” It’s not exactly a difficult prediction, considering how much he loves sweets. But you’re more than comfortable in the assumption that you’re going to be ordering malted powder to be delivered to the house in California for when you get home.

“I suppose you are buying this too?” He asks with a hint of amusement in his voice. He’s gonna let you do whatever you want, but you hadn’t even let him buy the book at the store. This weekend apparently is completely your treat.

“Yes, I am.” It’s ice cream. Even at your brokest, this splurge would be reasonable. At the door to the ice cream shop, you turn around to kiss him. “And since you’re being so good about indulging me this weekend, I promise that whatever your next whim is for a treat or a splurge, I won’t make a single comment about it.”

“Not one little word?” His brows shoot up and he’s grinning. Knowing that you would at least pout at him.

“Pinky promise,” you swear, holding out your little finger to him.

He looks at it and then back at you before he hooks his finger with yours and chuckles. “Good.”

Inside Mystic Drawbridge Ice Cream, Javi lights up with the size of the menu and the bustle of families alone tends enjoying the weekend. Your arms are slung around each other’s waists to keep close and you tick your hand into the back pocket of his jeans, reveling in the weathered material and the fact that he chose to pack one of the shirts you made for him to wear today. There’s a nice hit of nostalgia here too, and you point out one or two people you used to know to him discreetly as you wait in line.

“You went on a date with him?” Javi frowns slightly, not even realizing that his grip on your waist tightens slightly, possessively. As if this one date wonder could someone steal you away from him.

“Once, amor.” Even though you’d just said it, you still punctuate the fact that you’d only gone on one date with this particular boy the one time. “We went to a movie and he talked through the whole thing. In the theater.”

"A crime." He nods sagely, as if that told him everything he needed to know about that particular man. "It is good you did not waste anymore time on such a man."

“See?” You grin and kiss his cheek. “You get it.”

He’s placated and grumbles slightly, feeling foolish for being so annoyed by this previous date.

“I’m sure there are plenty of women in your past I would be much more jealous of.” But only because you love him, and because you wish you had had so many more years with him.

"None of them hold a candle to you." Not even Gabriela, as much as that would surprise anyone who had known about the torch he had carried for her for years. It pales in comparison to what he feels for you.

“And none of mine hold a candle to you, either.” They never could, and you cuddle into his side happily.

“So what is your milkshake going to be?” He asks, looking at the positively dizzying array of options. “Remind me.”

“Chocolate peanut butter with malted powder.” It isn’t worth reminding him that they’re called frappes here, although he did seem entertained by the word earlier. “It’s my old standard.”

“That sounds good.” He agrees. “But they have a one that tastes like bacon?” His eyes widen as he rereads the description.

“The American obsession with bacon knows no bounds,” you grin. “Are you going to try it?”

“Salted caramel, bacon and malted powder.” He grunts and shrugs. “Why not?”

Your grin grows. “Can we trade tastes? It does sound good.”

"Absolutely." He answers with a grin of his own. "I want to taste what you would crave when you were suffering from your period."

“That is a long list,” you admit, laughing at the thought. “I wonder if it will be similar to anything I crave when I’m pregnant? I have no idea if that is how that works or not.”

“It would be fun to create a list and compare.” He suggests, beaming at the thought of pregnancy cravings. “Keep a tally and see if it’s changes as you get farther along.”

“We’ll have to make a list,” you decide. “And keep track. A column for each baby, if there is more than one.”

“Yes.” There might not be more than one, but he has a feeling that there would be.

When the two of you finally make it to the front of the line, you place your order with the teenager there and thank her as she goes to make it, then step down to the register only to find another familiar face waiting for you — your former next door neighbor is wearing a shiny pin that reads Manager and smiling in a way that is both so broad and so tight that it makes you cringe inwardly with how fake it is.

Javi feels you stiffen, turning his head to glance at you and he recognizes the fake smile you use on the most difficult of guests. There’s only one explanation for it, so he turns to the person at the register and smiles broadly. “I have heard nothing but good things about this place.” He gushes. “Excited to try the frappe.”

“I’m surprised you’ve heard anything about this place.” She says with a layer of false pep.

“It’s good to see you, too, Gillian,” you lie.

Someone you know. Javi squeezes your hip gently, a reminder that he is with you. A steady shoulder for you to lean on if you need. Obviously not your mother, but someone old enough to be your parent. You had grown up knowing her. “She has been looking forward to another one of this all morning.” Javi adds.

“Has she?” Gillian’s eyebrows raise is as imperious as ever.

“Yes, I have.” Matter of fact and mildly pleasant is where you keep your tone, and you hand over your debit card.

“Oh, Gutierrez, how exotic.” She pretends to fawn after inspecting your card unnecessarily. “When did that happen?” Not that it’s any of her business. Not that she cares beyond obtaining gossip.

“A few months.” The expression you shoot Javi is apologetic. “Javi, Gillian was my next door neighbor growing up. Gillian, this is my husband, Javi.”

Javi’s smile stiffens at her reaction to his last name. Not unused to the slight. He nods to her when she looks up, judgement in her eyes and he wants to scoff at the audacity of it all. “Sweetheart, don’t use your debit card.” He tells you smoothly. “Fraud happens all the time, especially at point of sale locations.” The implication is just as light as it can be, but it’s still there. “Use your other card.”

“Of course, you’re right.” Your eyes tick up to his and you smile but it’s a reassuring thing. You’re always going to be on his side, especially when he’s responding to a petty veiled insult with one of his own. You slip your debit card back into your wallet out of sight and come out with your black AmEx card instead.

Gillian’s eyes widen and she takes the card quickly, insulted but she can’t say much. “This is rare.” She hums.

There are so many backhanded replies you could make. Insults about how it’s not rare in your circles. How you’re sure someone else must have paid with a credit card before. But as cross as you are with her for being a casual racist, you’re not trying to start a fight. “Oh?” You settle for, with an innocent tone. “My soulmate takes such good care of me.”

“Soulmate?” That startles her, making her nearly drop the card as her eyes dart back and forth between you and Javi.

“Soulmate.” You smile again and it’s full of polite ice. There’s no reason to ask what she’s up to or how she is. You wouldn’t have cared even if she hadn’t been rude. Gillian is not only your former neighbor, she’s your former bully.

“Well, that’s...nice.” It’s also unexpected since your parents had always contended you didn’t have a soulmate. She runs the card quickly and hands it back. “Your order will be up shortly.”

"Thanks." There is no more small talk, no false pleasantries. You simply shift down the counter after tucking your card back in your wallet and lean into Javi's side as you wait for your name to be called.

“That was…unpleasant.” Javi murmurs to you softly. “But I am proud of you. You handled her with grace, more than she deserves.”

"You just met my childhood bully," you mumble under your breath, disguising it by leaning up to kiss his cheek. "Gillian lived next door when I was growing up. Our parents were friends, so we were forced to spend a lot of time together."

Javi blinks, startled and he looks back and forth between the two of you several times. “No.” He huffs. “There is—” he shakes his head adamantly, “no way the two of you are close in age.” He looks back over at her. “She looks older than me.”

You barely manage to stop yourself from snorting. "I guess being a heinous bitch makes you ugly on the outside as well as the inside. Eventually, anyway."

“Is that why you are so gorgeous?” He coos, leaning in and kissing you softly on the cheek. He’s aware that he can’t make out would you - this is a family establishment - but anyone who sees the two of you would see a man desperately in love.

"Such flattery," you huff, nudging him as if to deny it, except that he finds your cheek burning with pleased embarrassment when he kisses it. "I love you, too."

The machines make a lot of noise, but within minutes two frappes appear and Gillian has vanished into the back. Javi picks them up, adding straws and an extra shake of chocolate sprinkles just because before bringing you your drink.

"Shall we walk?" The urge to get out of your beloved ice cream shop is disappointing but very real. "Promenade on the boardwalk like your film characters would do?"

“Show me exactly what you would do on a date.” He grins, nodding as he offers you his hand.

It's a good walk, out to the end of the boardwalk about back, and you take it slow. Peaking into shop windows, looking out at boats on the water. Joking about what you would name a boat if you ever got one. You trade sips of your drinks – both are good, but you each like the flavor you ordered better than the other – and sigh happily in the sun. It's a beautiful, warm, and the unpleasantness of running into Gillian is forgotten in no time.

“Would you ever want to live here again?” Javi asks, watching as you crane your neck to check out something that is apparently different in the small town. “It reminds me of Hollowstone.” He tells you. “From Gilmore Girls.”

"Stars Hollow?" You grin at him and nuzzle into his side. "No, I don't think so. I mean yes it is like that, but I love California. And besides, our house is being built as we speak. I wouldn't want to give that up for the world."

“You wouldn’t have to.” He promises. “Just- if you wanted to have a place here, I wouldn’t be upset about it.”

"If we ever had a second house...a vacation house or whatever? I wouldn't want it to be here." There are too many bad memories. Too much negativity even on beautiful and relatively peaceful days like this one. "If we had to pick between your first home and my first home? I would much rather have a place in Mallorca so you can go home again whenever you miss it."

He’s initially surprised by your answer but then he realizes he shouldn’t be. You continually put his happiness in front of your own, as he does the same with you. It sometimes causes frustrations but he bites his lip as he smiles. “Perhaps one day.” He decides. “We would have to have a boat.” He tells you with a grin. “It’s a must.”

"Well then, we would have to name the boat, too." Right now it's just a dream. An idle one, granted, but one you enjoy. The thought of bringing your kids back to their father's home in the summer sounds magical. You can practically see them playing on the beach and chasing a stray dog through the spray. Stray...or maybe yours...who knows. "What would you name a boat, amor?"

“Happiest Ever After.” He hums as he looks over at you. “Because that is what it would be.”

“And yet you don’t want to let me name our son after you.” Even as you tut slightly, you still smile up at him with soft eyes. “It’s a very sweet idea.”

“Javi Jr. is a horrible name.” He huffs, but he’s secretly pleased that you would want to have your son carry his name completely.

“Fine,” you narrow your eyes at him and grin. “Javiera for a girl.”

He rolls his eyes and blows a raspberry at you before he finishes his drink and steers you towards a trash can to throw the empty cup away.

“I’m taking that as a yes.” You decide, and smother his face in kisses to prove how delightful you fund the concession.

“You know you have final say on the names anyway.” His own father had demanded his mother name him Antonio, and see how that worked out? She had pushed him out, so she had named him. Javi didn’t see anything wrong with that thinking at all.

“I’d prefer us to agree,” you tell him honestly, linking your arm through his when you start walking again. “We’re both going to be their parents.”

“Yes we are.” He agrees, “but you grow them. That gives you a slight advantage.”

"Perhaps." You shrug. "But only slight."

He grins, shrugging slightly. “Then you should know I want to name our son Carmelo.” He teases.

It wouldn't be your first choice, but for all you know it's the name of some dear childhood friend or a beloved uncle, so you just nod. "We'll put it on the list. By the time I'm actually pregnant we'll have a list a mile long."

Javi laughed, shaking his head. “No, we will have already picked out four names for boys and girls.” He predicts.

"Only four each?" His specificity brings a smile to your face, making you laugh a little and you shrug your shoulders. "Maybe so. Who knows. We have quite a lot of time before the premiere."

“First and middle names.” He adds.

"First and middle." You laugh all over again and drag him over to the nearest bench, taking the opportunity of an empty place to sit to cuddle into Javi's side in a new setting. From here, you can look out over the water and people watch as well as boat watch. You're quite for a long time before you lean your head against his shoulder and sigh. "I always like the name Lila."

“Lila.” He smiles softly as he tries the name out on his tongue. “I like that.” He agrees. “It’s soft, sweet, like our little girl will be.”

"Maybe." A peace settles over both of you and you hug him a little tighter. "Hopefully."

The water is soothing, like it always is, although there’s a coolness to the wind that isn’t present at home. He hums and tugs you closer. “What else do you want to do today, sweetheart?” He asks.

“I don’t care,” you hum. “As long as you’re here, we can just sit here all night and it would be perfect for me. We can do whatever will help you most in writing your script.”

“What would be a good restaurant for dinner after a day date like this?” He asks. “For a couple that doesn’t want it to end?”

“There are a couple of oysters bars in town, and I read on the plane about some new Italian places.” When he raises an eyebrow at you, you grin sheepishly. “There’s an incredible place an hour away, but I don’t know if you want to go all the way to Rhode Island to eat the same seafood you would get here.” An hour in California is nothing. It’s peanuts. It’s your daily commute to work, in fact. But out here in New England, an hour each way is a day trip.

“And would it impress you if your date suggested it?” He asks, already deciding to write a scene just like this for the screenplay.

“Yes…” You squint at him suspiciously. “But there are oysters bars in town. Just because there’s also a good one out by the beach in Rhode Island doesn’t mean we have to go there.”

“And there is a jukebox in this oyster bar?” He asks. “Maybe a dance floor?”

That makes your expression crack, and you go from wary to endeared instantly. “They have live music on the weekends if you sit on the rooftop. And yes, some people dance.”

“And I’m assuming this oyster bar is also on the water?” He guesses, winking at you. “So after the perfect day together, learning everything they can about each other and falling a little bit in love, they go to this oyster bar and eat, have a drink or two and then slow dance to something incredibly romantic playing through an old corner jukebox?”

“It’s beautifully romantic.” Somehow he manages to do this regularly — taking things that are very nice on their own and turning them into the most romantic sounding thing you’ve ever heard. This restaurant your family used to like to go out to for special occasions is now the perfect date night destination with almost no effort whatsoever. “It will be the perfect scene.”

“Only if there is a kiss during the dance.” He murmurs, staring into your eyes and wondering how he got so damn lucky with you.

“I can guarantee it.” Here. There. Anywhere in the world. If the girl in his script is you and the boy she falls in love with is anything like him? She’d be a fool not to kiss him.

“Then we should flesh out the scene.” He hums. “See this perfect romantic spot for their first kiss.”

“Back to the rental car, then?” You won’t let this moment pass without kissing him, though, and that sweet little bench by the boardwalk is momentarily your perfect romantic spot.

Javi smiles into the kiss, wrapping his arms around you and pulling you closer. The salt air just adds to the romance of the moment and there’s a moment where he swears his heart skips a beat with the easy joy of being with you.

The stern sound of a throat clearing is what breaks you out of your paradise and forces you back to earth, but only momentarily. You have every intention of telling the prudish busybody to fuck off so you can go back to making out with your husband — but the curse dies on your tongue when you open your eyes to find a familiar figure looming over your fairy tale bench.

“Hi Mom.”

Javi’s eyes widen, head turning to see the woman you are addressing with more than a little concern. He had understood you didn’t want to see your parents and apparently they have tracked you down or run into you by a cruel kind of happenstance. “Your mother?”

“My mother.”

The disbelief in her expression is matched only by her disapproval, and she opens her mouth once before shutting it again to recompose herself and then trying again. “Tell me why I had to find out you were visiting town from Gillian MacCauly instead of from my own daughter.” She demands. It is not a request or a question in any way.

“Gillian married Andy MacCauly?” You cringe slightly and look back at Javi. “So that’s why she’s miserable.”

“Also a horrible person.” He nods in understanding before he looks over at your mother. “Because she did not wish for you to know she was here.” He answers for you.

Your mother’s eyes bug and she looks positively gob smacked, but you shrug. “I wanted to show my husband my hometown. Not be treated to a guilt trip and verbal abuse. So I didn’t call.”

Her eyes flicker down to your left hand, mouth opening slightly at the impressive ring set on your finger. Making Javi extremely proud that he had chosen the rings that he wanted to give you. “She said you had married.” She frowns, apparently not even remembering your courtesy call.

“I did call the day of the wedding,” you remind her. “We had a soulmate ceremony so there wasn’t loads of planning or bunches of guests. Apparently your own husband elected not to tell you?” Or she forgot, which is equally likely. If her golden child isn’t involved, she doesn’t care much.

She frowns at the criticism and huffs. “Don’t talk about your father that way.”

"My father died when I was a kid." Still seated on the bench, tangled up in Javi and bolstered by his presence, you feel brave. "I never should have started calling your husband Dad, but I was a scared kid. Not a problem I have anymore."

Her mouth drops open and she practically sputters in disbelief that you would be so brazenly disrespectful. “He raised you, cared for you.” She hisses. “He is the only reason we survived.”

“If that’s true,” which you doubt, for various reasons. The first of which being that you remember hearing talk about a life insurance policy way back when you were too young to understand what that meant. “Then good. But while he may have helped raise me, he has never loved me.“ And neither has she. Not since he came along.

He can feel how you are tense, hates that this has ruined a beautiful moment, but he’s proud of you for not backing down from her. His hand strokes your arm, but he doesn’t say anything yet.

“He loved you.” She protests. “You make things so difficult.”

“Maybe I do.” Feeling uncannily calm on the outside despite how hard your heart is beating in this moment of finally standing up to your mother, you simply shrug one shoulder. “Maybe I’ve always been a bad kid and I didn’t realize it. Maybe you were right to favor Tony. But I’m done wondering and I’m done worrying.”

Her brow furrows at she opens her mouth to speak but Javi decides that it’s time to say something. “I could never imagine choosing someone - even a lover - over my child.” He tells her quietly. “Even if I was lonely and had lost my soulmate.” He looks at you tenderly. “She is the last connection to your soulmate you have, and you abandoned her for a man who obviously has contempt for that.” He looks at her. “Shame on you. The man your daughter has described would be ashamed of his other half.”

“I think it’s probably time for us to go, don’t you?” You ask Javi, not even bothering to consult your mother in the decision. It isn’t hers to make and even on the longest odds in the world she would only invite you to dinner to talk down to you.

Your mother, for her part, looks stricken by Javi’s words. Like he had slapped her. “I agree, amor.” He murmurs softly, standing and reaching for your hand to help you up.

“By the way?” It’s a striking realization, that you’re taller than your mother now. She always seemed so intimidating in the past. “Billie told me why Auntie Kay stopped talking to you. So don’t pretend to be blindsided by the idea that you mistreated me.”

Javi curls his arm around your waist protectively and glances back at your mother one more time. “Do not call her unless you wish to apologize.” He tells her. “And then, it will be up to her if she accepts.” He doesn’t wait for her to answer, just guides you away.

Leaving your mother standing, flabbergasted, in the middle of the boardwalk as you walk away in the arms of your soulmate with your head held high and your heart hammering makes you feel like a superhero. There was no screaming. No fighting. No physical altercation. No scene was made. You were calm and you stood your ground, and as Javi guides you back toward the parked rental car you clutch his hand in relief as much as your own shock. “Now that,” you whisper with wide eyes, “is something I wish I had done in high school.”

“How are you feeling?” Javi knows he was nothing but a riot of emotions when he had completely broken ties with his family, as horrible as they were. Even now, he sometimes feels guilty about Lucas, although he knows he deserves it.

“I’m not sure?” You admit. You might laugh or cry or shake apart at a moment’s notice. Either way, you hold to him like a lifeline. “I’ll set the gps for the restaurant but would you mind driving?”

“Do you still want to go?” He asks seriously. Even though it had seemed like a wonderful idea, you might not be so sure now and that’s okay with him. Even if you just wanted to go back to the hotel, he would be ready to take you. “Completely your call, sweetheart.”

“Honestly?” You sag against his side. “At this point I almost think we check out of the hotel here and go spend the rest of the weekend in Rhode Island. But I think that’s just my instinct to flee the scene.”

“If it will protect your peace, that’s exactly what we will do.” He promises.

In looking up at him, you smother an embarrassed sigh. “I don’t want to ruin your trip.”

“Baby, nothing you can ever do would ruin my trip.” He stops and turns towards you, his eyes seriously focused on yours. “Because I’m with you.” He murmurs softly. “And that is all I need.”

“I’m sorry.” Still rattled from the encounter, you’re sure you’re shaking a little with his hands on your arms. “I just…I guess I figured the town was big enough that we wouldn’t actually see my parents. I really didn’t expect this…”

“It’s okay, sweetheart.” His lips are in your hair, pressing a kiss to your brow. “Why don’t we go back to the room and order room service? Or delivery. Whatever you want.”

“That’s a less dramatic response.” He’s right. You don’t need to flee. You just need to be safe with your partner and try to let out some of the tension that is clinging to you. “Maybe we can use the jacuzzi and order a bottle of wine? Just try to relax.”

“I’ll order two bottles.” He promises with a smile and a kiss for your lips.

“I love you.” For better or for worse. You had promised it in your vows, and Javi is more than living up to his side of the bargain.

“I love you too.” He knows how to get back to the hotel, so he guides you towards the passenger seat. “We will order some wine, and see what they have in their menu. Maybe an appetizer or something? Then we can decide what else sounds good.”

"That sounds perfect." Though you would prefer to curl into his side, you tuck yourself into the passenger seat and buckle in, then pull out your phone to send Billie and Auntie Kay a quick text in the group chat that the three of you share. They deserve to know that some heat might fly their way, though you don't really expect your mother to do anything but bluster and play the victim.

“Your town is beautiful.” He tells you as he starts the car and backs out of the parking spot. “So many places to get lost in. Seek refuge.”

"I wanted you to see the best parts of it," you murmur, tucking your phone away as he pulls out of the parking lot. "Only the best."

“The best part about this trip is watching you enjoy things that you would have when you lived here.” He admits.

"We should go to the aquarium tomorrow, then." It was your other childhood favourite, and right now you just want to remember something nice and push away the bitter taste in your mouth.

“Then let’s go.” He tosses you an encouraging smile. “I want to see if there are different species here on the east coast.”

"Probably." And when you're out of the car again, you will smother him in ample kisses in thanks for being so sweet about the whole thing. "I guess we'll have to go and find out."

“We will.” He agrees, winking at you when he comes to a stop sign. “Does this aquarium have a tunnel?” He asks.

"Of course," you gasp, clutching invisible pearls and pretending to be aghast that he would even ask.

“Good.” He chuckles and nods. “Then we will have to make out in it and pretend we are mermaids.”

"Perfect." Laughing feels so good. Like such a relief. And it's purely thanks to Javi.

“Thought you would like that idea.” He’s happy you laughed, needing to hear it after watching you with your mother.

"I love all of your ideas." Even when they're over the top. Even when they're a little crazy. Everything is still always wonderful in the end.

He pulls into the parking lot and grins. “So then let me suggest something else tomorrow after the aquarium?”

"Whatever you want, baby," you promise him, grateful that the hotel isn't far from downtown.

“Why don’t we find a place for a couple’s massage?” He asks.

"Spa afternoon?" Tilting your head at him, your obvious interest is rewarded with a kiss before you both climb out of the car. "That sounds beautiful, actually."

“Good.” He grins when you almost instantly agree. “Fluffy robes, champagne, saunas and massages.” He winks again. “We will feel like new people.”

"We'll sleep like babies all the way back home." Your overnight flight was already aimed at being relaxing, now it would be even more so.

“Yes we would.” He agrees. “The perfect ending to our weekend adventure.”

“I’m sorry the whole thing wasn’t perfect.” He’ll tut at that, but it’s true. This afternoon and this evening are not the fairy tale that the rest of the trip has been. “But thank you for standing up for me.”

“I will always stand up for you.” He knows you will also stand up for him, but after being powerless against Lucas for so long, he will not be silent when someone he loves is hurt, never again will someone rob you of your peace. He has changed and he likes to believe it’s for the better.

------ Master Tags: @pixiedurango @chattychell @winter-fox-queen @lady-himbo @artsymaddie @princess76179 @paintballkid711 @missminkylove @pedrosbrat @ew-erin @sarahjkl82-blog @sharkbait77 @justanotherblonde23 @lv7867 @recklesswit @mylittlesenaar @f0rever15elf @gallowsjoker @steeevienicks @athalien @sherala007 @skvatnavle @thatpinkshirt @jaime1110 @girlimjusttryingtoreadfanfics @goodgriefitsawildworld @greeneyedblondie44 @littlemousedroid @harriedandharassed @churchill356 @ajathegreats-blog @haylzcyon   @beardsanddetectives @kirsteng42 @ladykatakuri @adancedivasmom @madiebear @tanzthompson @emilianamason @bigsdinger @xocalliexo @pedr0swh0r3 @avaleineandafryingpan @charlyrmv @avidreader73 @iceclaw101 @loveslide @elegantduckturtle @becsworld @julesonrecord @its-nebuleuse @itsrubberbisquit @mikeyswifie @guelyury @lizzie-cakes @for-a-longlongtime @vabeachazn @purplerain04 @weho2kcmo @madnessofadaydreamer

TUWOP: @inept-the-magnificent @missladym1981 @sunnytuliptime @iamladyp @spishsstuff @famouslyanonymous

[pizza-soup]

Hey! Just wanted to do an update for the new year!

Sooo, what have I been up to? A lot actually!

First off, I'd like to introduce a new member to my household, her name is Lucky, and I found her on an urbex trip last year as a tiny thing, and looked how gorgeous she is as an adult!

Those markings are pretty neat, huh? She's looks just like a Maneki Neko, all that's missing is a red ribbon and koban coin. She has such a sweet, affectionate personality, she is surprisingly very open to strangers giving her attention, and she loves water! Yeah, she plays in water! She has zero fear of it and likes playing with the sink faucet or laying on my shoulders when I soaking in the bath. I think it stems from me taking her out to the garden with me in the summer when I was watering the plants, the puddles cooled her off.

Speaking of gardening, I have two new trees. Ginkgos! My great aunt had one in her front yard, these are the babies. Since it's way too cold to plant them directly into the ground, they're currently in pots. I want them to grow just a bit larger before transplanting them.

And yes, that's Sol posing by the new trees! Look how handsome he is now! I'm glad he and his sister took in Lucky as an honorable sibling, I think she'd be very lonely otherwise. Stella has also grown up to be beautiful, and likes sharing her bed with Lucky. Orion doesn't like her though. Lol but he tolerates her so long as she doesn't get too close.

My health is better, thankfully. While I think I'll always have hypotension now, my doctor and I found a setup that works to keep it at bay. I have to watch my activity level and learn to rest properly (exercise can cause BP to drop fast), and stay hydrated with electrolytes daily. I have to set reminders though, since Im so bad at remembering. So far I haven't had any relapses for 7 months. I've also oddly lost a lot of weight, I thought it was suspicious, but my doctor said I'm actually at my BMI and the weight loss was gradual. My records show it was within a normal time range. Idk it felt so sudden to ME, but maybe I didn't notice it until recently. Eh. My sense of time isn't the best. Whatever the case, I was told to keep doing whatever I'm doing.

Work is... just as weird as always! Lol to the point it's kind of not weird for me anymore, I've gotten used to the strangeness of it. My brother however never got used to it. He actually quit working for the labs, not because it scared him off but because he finally got his major finished and he is working in an observatory down south. I'm proud of him! Space has always been a big interest for him, and the space science here in NM is growing!

As for creating, I've been busy writing two fanfics on Ao3. One is a Pokemon story, Come What May, and another is an alternate take on the classic Disney film, The Little Mermaid, called Candle on the Water. They're pretty long, my Pokemon fic is currently topping 20 chapters! I'd really appreciate if more people read them. Give em a little love. It's not the best work ever, but I'm kinda proud of them. They were written when I was struggling with a lot of self doubt and mild Imposter Syndrome. I'm working on being more gentle to myself and not letting perfectionism sabotage me or stop me from creating, and I'm kinda seeing that effort pay off bit by bit.

I've also been doing some song covers. I'm not sure if I'm confident in sharing those yet, but I've gotten a lot of encouragement from my family and my brother's friend who has been letting me borrow his music studio for recording sessions. Maybe I'll post one song if it's requested. I have three covers so far and they're all Evanescence. XD

Its been a very peaceful time for me, I got a raise last November and it's been nice. I've been treating myself to stationery and home decor. I splurged a bit and got two gaming devices from Anbernic, and have been modding my 3DSXL. Because screw gaming companies and their paywalling/microtransactions. It's time we start actually owning our games again, including media like music and movies.

I think this year is going to focus on retro media for me. CDs, DVDs, cassettes and vinyls. I've been rediscovering my collection in the garage and learning to maintain/fix my devices. Because while I do enjoy my modern media, I like the thought of having offline backups should I not have access to it later.

And my old school stuff takes me back to my summer days in school when I couldn't wait to get home to play my Gameboy while listening to my CDs, reading comics, or doodle and write short stories in my notebooks, or make zines with my friends. That might be something to revisit this summer.

I hope everything has been going well for you all, and if not, I hope it will soon. I may just return to this year, but probably gradually. I missed you all, and I miss sharing bits of my life here with you.

Take care! 💕

Edit: I'm not coming back. I'm sorry.

[theredstargalaxy]

Ah, it's that time of year once again, everyone! Happy Pride Month to every single one of my queer brothers, sisters, and siblings! Though every month should be Pride Month, we sadly aren't living in a time where society is ready for that-- though I hope that time comes soon. For now, let's take a moment to not only celebrate our queerness, but to remember those who have sadly been taken from us too soon. I hope that, wherever they may be, they're happy, safe, and loved. And that they get every ounce of acceptance and respect that they deserved in life. Whether they be with God, Allah, Yeshua, Odin, Zeus, or the Great Spirit, I hope they're at ease, and living their afterlives in the bodies they should have been born into-- in loving relationships with whomever they love.

Though their loss still cuts deep, and the pain is still felt, we have to look to the present moment. We need to be in the here and now, and appreciate those of us who are lucky enough to still breathe. Our minds, though burdened with anger and frustration, must stay with those who need us now. We can't do anything for those who are gone, but we can help the ones who are still here. We need to help the younger generation. We need to guide them just as our elders had guided us. We must be their rock, their warm blanket, their sanctuary. We must provide for them while the wider world cannot. As long as the world isn't willing to take its queer children into her loving arms, we must be as surrogates. We must nurture and love them like they're our own children. And in doing so, build a brighter future for the next generation of queer people.

But for now, let's celebrate queerness in our own wild, fanciful ways! Let's wave our flags, strut through the streets, and sing at the top of our lungs! Let's let the world know that we're still here, and that we aren't going anywhere any time soon!

Boys? Would you like to say a few words?

'Sup, fuckers? (/lh) It's finally pride month! Ya know what that means! It's time to be queer as fuck! Guys, go out with your makeup on! Go support trans owned shops! Go to your local church and make out with your partners in front of baby Jesus! (/j)

Nah, but jokes aside, it's a damn good time to be you, yeah? Go wear that pretty little sundress ya bought yesterday-- or put on that nice ass tux-- and go out on the town. Y'all are a motherfuckin' experience, and y'all deserve to be seen! Now go out there and show 'em what bein' human's all about!

~Toya

Wow, it's already been a year since we made that pride month post on our old blog. Time sure does fly, doesn't it? One moment, you're starting the new year, then ya blink and it's June. Talk about fast...

But that isn't why we're here, is it? Nah. We're here to be queer! Jokes aside, I know how hard this month can be for some of you. Some of you don't have a support system-- crappy family, crappy "friends", crappy religious leaders-- but don't let that get you down! Those people easily settled for misery, and they're angry that no one else wants to do the same. Don't let them dictate what you do with your life-- they have no say in what you do, who you love, or what you are inside. They're too busy trying to keep their own status quo that they don't realize it's tethered them to the ground. The status quo is a dead weight, keeping them from taking flight. Don't be like them-- don't let some fragile sense of normalcy weigh you down. Spread your wings, and take to the skies. Be who you are inside, regardless of what everyone else may think. Who knows? Maybe some of them might follow. Take care of yourselves--take care of each other, yeah?

~Kiego

I'm usually not one to do pep talks-- I'm not really good at them, even if I have some prime examples to go by. Never the less, I'll try to at least say something encouraging-- perhaps even offer up some form of scientific arguments you all can use on the naysayers.

Firstly, I'd like to offer you all one simple phrase: You are not broken. Your identity--and your attractions-- are not a mental illness. By 1973, homosexuality had been removed from the DSM, and in 2013, Gender Identity Disorder was replaced with Gender Dysphoria, focusing on the everyday stress and anxiety that trans people experience instead of pathologizing them. Even still, the world somehow still isn't ready for you all, even if science is. It's...pretty sad, actually. Though, we aren't here to dwell on that.

One of my personal favorite arguments is that it's "unnatural". And that's due to the fact that you can use the natural world as an example. Swans, for instance. 20% of black swans are in gay relationships, and are capable of raising offspring together. Clownfish are able to change their sex depending on the breeding environment. Certain species of frogs can change their gender in a same sex environment. Male lions have been observed mounting one another, and there have been known instances of biologically female lions sporting manes and expressing male behaviors. There are hundreds if not thousands of other examples if you actively look for them. If anyone gives you that argument, just fire off a round of those facts, and watch the confidence and color drain from their face.

I want all of you to know that there's nothing wrong with being who you are. If you feel as though you should be in a suit instead of a dress, then by all means go for the suit. Go take your significant other to dinner at a nice place-- or just share fries from McDonalds. I won't judge. Give them a kiss. Tell them you love them. But most importantly: Don't let some uneducated, sewer-dwelling scum tell you that what you are is wrong. Remember that you deserve love, dignity, and respect. Please take care of yourselves today-- take care of yourselves every day.

~Kai

[y-vna]

Just so it's clear, one of my big dni crits is this:

TW: My rant includes HEAVY topics of ed (eating disorders) and intentionally starving yourself/unhealthy weight loss 🙁.

This post is also ULTRA long, will definitely contain grammar and spelling mistakes, and I'm not going to say 100% everything here is accurate information, as I'm a human and I make mistakes too.

Let me get this clear, I dont mean anyone harm with this post. My intention isn't to hate or attack/hurt anyone to make them feel upset. I know that having an ed is a serious matter. I have friends and family who actively have/had these kinds of eds, so im not uneducated on this subject and I do understand it to a very in-depth degree. This is not to say I know everything about this topic, however.

It is definitely not easy to recover from, and lots of people struggle from it every day. I am NOT saying people with this disorder are any less human than anyone else. I'm saying it's toxic for those who do have it since it actually harms your body a lot, and pushing it on others (not the fact you have it in the first place) is something I don't support.

So respectfully, if you do support/promote eds as a positive thing, or are/follow/interact with blogs who do, BLOCK ME AND DNI. thank you.

I love everyone for who they are inside, regardless of what their body looks like. And I'm telling you right now, as someone who tried so hard to have a perfect body and stop eating bc im super insecure, it's not worth it, and it makes you feel so shitty. I love you, whoever is reading this, no matter what. So please don't change who you are just to make others happy :( <3

--

So I was looking thru tumblr, and this one post kept getting shown to me where people were talking about basically the idea of: "its worth it to keep losing that undesired weight, you'll see results soon" as like a motivational thing. The tags (straight up tells you it's supposed to be inspo to becoming skinny and supports the idea having an ed is the only way to get a dream bod), and their whole blog had ed encouragement/motivation. To keep...starving, i guess.?? Despite their user being about being strong and healthy, nothing about this is healthy or keeps your body strong.

I didn't decide to write a whole rant about just that part of the post because I didn't start getting super concerned until i read the notes/comments (since i had seen a lot of these 'tw : ed' blogs before already). What I saw was that tons of users were promoting starving yourself as a goal and a good thing, and basically glorifying having an ed. And also using kpop idols with skinny and perfect figures like wonyoung to tell others that (almost a literal direct quote from this user-) 'us ed people don't want to be helped and we won't stop starving ourselves until we reach the weight we want.'

"You see it as negativity cause you're not disordered." KEEP IN MIND THE PERSON THEY'RE TALKING TO USED TO ACTUALLY HAVE AN ED (the screenshot below is the person they were talking to). I understand you can't push people to get help if they don't want it, but you have to draw a line when you start saying that every person with ed doesn't want help, which just isnt true. I looked at their blog, and it was all just calculating how many calories they ate and burned every day. Most of the posts they basically only totaled 300 calories a day. THAT IS SUPER SICK ☹️. An average human needs like 2000+ calories a day. It actively influences people to copy them by posting and blogging this SUPER unhealthy weight loss. It IS NOT positive on any level. It does nothing good for you. You won't feel any happier when you look in the mirror if all you can feel is pure hunger because you won't give your body what it needs. This is so sad to me because all the comments had people trying to ask how to start starving themselves, and every blog I clicked on all had ed triggers on their posts and bios. Some of those blogs were saying NOT to become like them because they can't see themselves recovering now that they're in too deep.

As said by people online who actually had and got through having an ed, they have explained it is very unhealthy and they were glad to recover. So even though I do not have an ed, and you might think I shouldn't be "judging" people who have them, there are plenty of formerly ed diagnosed people who know the bad effect it has on others/had on them because they can accurately relate. You can still educate people on a subject even if you yourself do not have to suffer from it/have it, as long as you're doing it properly with proven facts (literally all credible research you do anywhere backed by science and experts will prove eds aren't healthy). People educate themselves to teach others about other illnesses, ongoing or past wars in history, etc, they don't have firsthand experience with/from. And they can still be just as valid sometimes.

My whole point here is that on tumblr and so many other social media platforms, I keep seeing people (posts like this and whole blogs centered around this stuff,) encouraging (mainly young) girls to stop eating altogether to have a body that society and other people are more satisfied with. That's why, for a while, I also tried to do the same because of the people saying it was a positive thing to gain a bad relationship with food and start counting your calories to be perfect. I'm also someone who struggles with body image and being shamed for gaining weight. But at some point hou need to realize hurting your body and mental state is SO WRONG. NOBODY is perfect. So don't push you or anyone else to be. I learned this, and I get its super hard to ignore the judgment forced onto you by society and your surroundings, but there will be people who appreciate you just how you are now. Like me.

So with all that said, the moral here is:

Don't starve urself (on purpose. Bc some people genuinely have trouble eating and starve themselves non intentionally. I have friends who do this 😭)

You're perfect how u are now without being as slim as your idols (and even K-pop idols don't tell others usually to be like them because they know that their companies forcing them to strictly control their weight isn't something they want fans to look up to).

Don't force (potential) ed on others

Don't encourage unhealthy relationship with your body and food

I do support people with eds, as long as they aren't trying to make it something others should look up to, and aspire to have.

If you are someone who wants to normalize having an ed as healthy or positive, please do not interact with this blog and feel free to block me :(

Thank you for reading, have a good day and ily for whoever is reading this. 💗💖💓💕

[boyfhee]

How do you feel about engypens fatphobic comments towards Sunoo?

hello, sorry for replying so late. i have not been keeping up with enhypen and i wanted to know the context thoroughly and talk to people about this who are clearly more educated and saw this unfold firsthand.

in my complete honest opinion— i was a bit surprised and even a bit uncomfortable with what jay said. i agree he might not have meant it in that way and only wanted him to eat well, but his choice of words could come off as insensitive to many.

in the segment before it, he did the same with jake— encouraging him to eat more to bulk up. i think he had the same intention with sunoo, just that it wasn’t expressed well. i do hold him accountable along with sunghoon and hope he understands that what he said can be insensitive and hurtful to many, whether he wanted that or not.

albeit, i would not say his words were fatphobic because he did not mean it in a negative sense, neither did he mention or insinuate that eating a lot is bad. it is just a bad selection of words that sound insensitive whether he intended to do it or it. he is a well articulated person with a great understanding and i only hope that he is mindful of his words in future.

again, let us not use this as an opportunity to assume anything about sunoo and / or his dynamics with enhypen since they all are like a family and there are several clips and interviews to back that up. this situation was dragged way too far on twitter, to the point people were saying sn should join xyz group or tweeting straight up lies about him ( as in that he takes weight loss pills which is NOT true ) as misinformation is more harmful. he is his own person with an ability to defend himself and make his own decisions.

also, this is the only ask i am going to respond to on this matter. please do not bring it up again after i have clearly stated my opinion regarding this. have a good day ^_^

[juuls]

Alright!

I’m looking for people to every so often inquire how I’m holding up/hold me accountable to the following:

After years of a calorie dense (and boring) diet due to long covid severe nausea for the last 3.5 years, mixed in with admittedly heavy alcohol (they say trauma can hit out of the blue even years later, sad to say it’s true) use in the last year… I am ashamed to say I gained all the weight I’d originally lost and then some from my last time.

It embarrasses me to say I started at 245 yesterday.

I walk my dogs twice a day but they don’t make it much of an exercise, though I get on my indoor cycle for 30mins at least 4x a week.

Tried Ozempic, made my nausea explode.

I don’t really have the energy to throw in a higher pace walk for myself on top of my dog walks. Fibromyalgia and long covid are exhausting.

But I’m starting Nutrisystem again (jerks won’t ship frozen foods to Canada!!! so, just the plain, preserved ones) and hoping the structure will help me physically and mentally. I lost a routine and really need one back, and one of my own, not revolving around someone else’s.

So far, first night, 2lbs lost, though that will slow down after the first 7-10 days.

Besides decreasing my pain levels, losing weight would make me eligible for breast reduction surgery (another thing keeping me from, say, jogging, or just… existing without pain in general).

I’ll include a few photos of my starting weight/as I gained weight, and a few of my goal size as inspiration.

But what I wouldn’t mind if someone checks in once in a while and asks how the weight loss is doing. If any of you do that (along with @cuthian my dear one) I’d be supremely grateful. A support network is key, especially with the alcoholism which I am entirely ashamed of.

Find pics below the cut!

Current/recent (I don’t have many full body shots but you can really tell with ny double chin):

Previous/lost weight last time:

My biggest indicators are my face (rounder, plumper, double chin)(and my beer belly from drinking, now) and so comparing face to face seems a good starting goal to grab onto. I mean… I have a cute chin! I want that back.

Sadly, one of my medications adds about 15lbs total… but I got down to 180lbs last time I tried this even with my medication. So it’s doable. And my parents are paying for the Nutrisystem again, on the oath of no more alcohol and I try my best.

Though I will fight anyway who doesn’t include me in special family dinner with shawarma wraps, but I got the calories sorted, yay! Just some extra exercise.

Thanks for listening to my very personal ramble. Again, if you’d like to help, please reach out whenever. Even just cheerleading/a like here and there, is great encouragement. ❤️💜💙

Love y’all muchly. 😘😁

[lexirexie]

when i first became @n4, i made it obvious. like i wanted my family to notice. probably because they used to pick on me for eating so much and so much sugar, i wanted them to see me differently, and better than that. i didn’t have any close friends and my boyfriend is like medium distance from me meaning i only see him a couple times a month if that, so it was an easy secret to keep from others, but when it came to family i wanted them to know.

now its the opposite. i don’t want them to find out ive relapsed, half because im scared of being forced into more treatment and half because i feel bad and guilty for it. they love me, they realised their comments affected me and they’ve been doing their best to support my recovery. i feel horrible going back on everything, but of course it doesn’t feel like a choice.

you think you’ll feel great when people point out your weight loss and how much ‘better’ you look, but i feel uncomfortable, guilty and sad because im aware its wrong, its not something id encourage and to me its become a sign of weakness and i dont want to be seen as weak.

i wish i could be thin and have a good relationship with food and my body image, and love myself. this is of course possible with hard work and therapy, but for some reason right now all i care about it losing more drastic weight as soon as possible . i want to lose around 13 more kilos at least. it’s not hard, so im gonna just do it.

my relapse has obviously been triggered by my boyfriends sister. is it wrong to feel like you can’t stand someone for having the same illness? maybe its because shes a lot skinnier than me, and she became ana a lot younger than i did, shes been underweight slightly before and was hospitalised last year. or maybe its because i see something in her that i don’t like about myself.

why does everything have to feel so complicated.

[therealitychecksneakpeek]

Chapter 3

If you missed Chapter 1 & Chapter 2, make sure you take a look!

He repeats the question, this time using my name, “Mandy? Can I kiss you?”

I stammer a bit before blurting out, “In what capacity?” which somehow breaks the tension, making us both laugh.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I just realized I’m most nervous about having to kiss you next week in a room full of people when I barely know you. I was hoping we could just rip the Band-Aid off so I don’t have to spiral about what that’s going to be like. That way, things can just be smooth when we actually start filming. Is that weird?”

Shit. It’s not fair he gets to look the way he does and also be totally adorable.

“No, it’s not weird. Believe it or not, I’m nervous too.”

“Really?” He looks both surprised and relieved.

“Yeah, I mean you’re my first fake, on-air boyfriend.”

I tell him about how the show started when I was 22 and how it went from being a vehicle to promote myself and my music to my sole career. It’s the first time I’ve actually said a lot of this out loud, not to mention to the hottest guy I’ve ever seen in my life, but Casey makes it easy. He’s told me about his family and what they mean to him, which makes me open up about my mom’s battle with breast cancer when I was 26 and how suddenly the income from the show meant the difference between her getting the best treatment in the country or what was available in her limited health plan.

It was because of that I had to do whatever it took to stay on the air, even if it went against my core beliefs. I went from this fearless 22-year-old who wanted to show other women confidence comes from within and can happen at any size to an overburdened 26-year-old reality tv star shilling weight loss teas and bending over backwards to accommodate whatever the network wanted.

Two of my best friends that started as cast members don’t talk to me anymore.

They still sing at the church we all met at, but I had to fire them because they became moms who audiences felt had “boring storylines” and “read as tired all the time” in exchange for Katrein who was also plus size, “dynamic,” and “aspirational”. My family still made a cameo from time to time but they went from being a huge part of the show to an occasional FaceTime in order to pay a revolving door of my new friends which included hot trainers, singing coaches, life coaches, and whatever trends the network deemed timely.

All the while, I had been assured that the show was still mine.

My star was what kept the show chugging along, and everything I did on my Instagram and TikTok helped keep me relevant. At one point I worked with a PR person named Jenna who encouraged me to move to Nashville for the summer and collaborate with up and coming country music artists to help expand my fanbase, even though I don’t sing country music. She also thought I should get gastric bypass and do one of those magazine covers where someone who has lost a lot of weight stands in their old pants. For some reason, that was the thing that ended my relationship with her.

Thinking about it now, it’s hard to believe I’m 34-years-old and just as close to achieving my dream of pop star stardom as I was all those years ago. The realization hits me like a ton of bricks and Casey, who has somehow been absorbing all of this, reaches out and takes my hand in his.

It’s strange. I know that Casey is being paid to be with me, but it doesn’t feel like he sees it that way. It might just be me being a bit delusional but it feels like we already have a real connection.

“See, you don’t need to be nervous,” I joke. “You’re a natural at this boyfriend stuff.”

He blushes a little but doesn’t let my hand drop.

“I suppose that’s thanks to Kelly?”

The question is asked tentatively, even though he brought her up when it had been his turn to monologue about the life circumstances that led him to me. I know I’m playing with fire a little bit, because most of what he’s shared is fairly surface. The thing is, I know he’s playing a part but I’m starting to want this to be real, and that’s a very dangerous thought.

My heart doesn’t give a shit and wants to know if I have a chance. Maybe they’re not as serious as Ben and his bio made it out to be.

“Probably,” he says. “You’d like her. You’re a lot alike in some ways.”

“How so?”

He shrugs.

“Big dreams and not afraid to go after them.”

“So, you’re telling me you have a type,” I say way too flirtatiously than I should. “Glad that your real girlfriend and fake girlfriend are similar in that way. Is she fat too?”

I can tell he’s a nice guy by the way he recoils a bit when I say “fat” as if it’s a dirty word. Ben once explained to me that even though I own it and it doesn’t bother me, it still feels like an insult somehow. I get what he means, of course I do. I’ve been fat long enough to know what it feels like to have it shouted at you or weaponized against your worth as a person. That’s why I don’t shy away from using it or calling myself fat.

I’m a 2x on a “thin” day and I have been for the past 15 years.

I’m lucky that I carry my weight in a way that society deems as more acceptable than other fat women, but I’m still fat – just with big boobs, a big ass, and a whisper of an hourglass figure.

“No, she’s not,” he finally says.

“Too bad,” I say, adding a playful wink. “You don’t know what you’re missing then.”

“I can already tell that any real boyfriend you have will be lucky to have you.”

I smile through the knife he’s just pushed through my heart and pretend to be unphased as I ask him about all things Kelly. I’m hoping that by doing so it will be less obvious that I’m starting to have a very real crush on him. I’m also hoping that my brain will actually register Casey is totally off limits.

Ben and his bio were correct in assuming their relationship is serious.

I get an abridged version but Casey tells me that he and Kelly have been an item since college where she majored in art history as he pursued an MBA. I discover that Casey is actually five years younger than me, and Kelly three years younger than him. At twenty-nine, Casey is really ready to start settling down but Kelly isn’t totally ready which is why this whole thing doesn’t bother her.

I guess it’s easy to take a five-month breather from your serious relationship when you feel like you have all the time in the world.

He assures me that they’re still very much together, but for optics and other reasons their families and friends think they’re taking time to really explore who they are as people before they finally make that inevitable leap. She’s not planning on quitting her full-time job as an art teacher, but without Casey consuming all her time on weekends and after school she’s hoping to really see if she can create art and make a living at it.

He shows me that she’s already opened a shop on etsy and has a few prints for sale. I can tell that he’s genuinely proud of her, and I also make a mental note of her shop name so I can later look it up and obsess over the picture she’s uploaded. On his phone it’s too small to really see but I get the gist. Kelly is a blonde woman wearing a big smile and painter’s smock, holding up a painting of hers. I wonder if he’s only into blondes and if I wasn’t fat, if my brown hair and brown eyes would be a deal breaker. I wonder if he only dates women her size or if he’s one of those rare guys that values an emotional connection as much as a physical one.

“Are you worried at all about being apart for so long while we film? And then of course there’s the press obligations and the stuff we have to do for a month after wrap to make sure our relationship looks legit…”

“Maybe a little,” he admits. “But I also believe what’s meant to happen will happen, you know?”

“I do.”

Except what I’m hoping is meant to happen is probably not what he’s hoping. Especially now that we’ve had this conversation and I feel much closer to him than I ever thought I would.

“Should we kick this thing off?” I ask, taking my phone out and flipping the camera into selfie mode.

“Let’s do it,” he says.

I start to hold the phone away from me, but Casey moves closer to the point I can feel his body pressed against my back as takes it out of my hand.

“My arms are longer.”

He speaks right into my ear and his breath tickles my skin to the point I feel as if I’m covered in goosebumps and praying he can’t tell. He drapes his other arm around my shoulder, as if he were claiming me, and snaps a few shots. As if that weren’t enough he nuzzles my neck, still snapping away as I try to keep my face smiling and composed as if this is my real life and not just for show.

God, I wish it wasn’t just for show.

It’s taking all of my self-control not to make this incredibly inappropriate for him. I want to pounce on him, straddle his thick, muscular thighs and rub myself against…

“Can I kiss you Mandy?”

I want to scream, “OF COURSE YOU CAN!” but I just smile and nod. He cradles my face with his free hand, still holding the camera still with his other. I wonder if the selfie taking is making this less real for him, since social media assets were just talked about in our kickoff meeting, or if there’s more going on for him too and the camera gives him an excuse to indulge a little bit.

I don’t care either way but it’s confusing, and his touch doesn’t feel completely platonic or innocent. It feels like he’s reciprocating this blossoming crush, even if I’m not his usual physical type.

His thumb brushes over my bottom lip and I hear the shutter sound from my phone camera before he leans in and kisses me.

It occurs to me that someone has told him that kissing in film and tv is typically chaste and without tongue. I want to murder whoever told him that and wonder if that makes me a bad person. I continue to play with fire a bit as we kiss, parting my lips ever so slightly against his so should he want to slide his tongue into my mouth he’s able to do so.

To both my relief and dismay, he does not oblige.

The shutter continues to snap until he pulls back with a smile, one hand extended to offer me my phone while the other still gently strokes my face.

“Should we do another for good measure or do you feel like you’ve got that down?” I whisper quietly. I don’t know when it happened but my hands have found their way to his chest and it’s fair to say there has never been a man whose physique has made me feel this good in his arms. He holds me close in a way that makes me feel accepted for everything I am. There’s no shrinking down or wanting to feel small, instead there’s just being held. I just have never experienced anything like this. The worst part is I can’t seem to control myself either, and instead of pulling away I look at him, challenging him to kiss me without a camera.

I hate myself for this too.

This man has a girlfriend and what I’m doing is wrong.

I can’t help myself though – I’ve never felt this kind of pull before. Even with Tobey, whom I loved with my whole heart, this type of attraction was missing. I have judged so many people for getting close to doing what I’m tempting Casey to do, and I’m judging myself but something about him has me already losing control.

Casey’s gaze flickers between my eyes and lips and just as I could swear he starts leaning forward to kiss me again, a voice pulls us both back to reality.

[magpies-gold]

Character Age Meme - Errick

I'm running into situations during story development where I really need to know more of my characters' life stories and what they looked like when they were younger, so it's time to continue with these. I did Henry/Heinrich a while back already. I still have Elliot and Paul to do to finish off my cast of main characters.

Errick had a wildly different upbringing from Heinrich. Where Heinrich was the equivalent of a feral stray cat, Errick is the closest thing that you get to royalty in the base. His family has always been in command, ever since the shell sealed them in, and Errick grew up privileged, happy, and loved. He didn't even have much to worry about for the first few years: his older brother, Michael, was always supposed to be the one in charge one day, not him.

When he was around age seven, Michael was killed in an accident. Errick had never been especially good at making friends, and the loss of his big brother was the loss of his best friend, as well. It left a big hole in his life that he had a hard time filling, and it also dropped the weight of future responsibility as commander of the base squarely on his shoulders. It wasn't something he ever wanted, and not something he ever rose to the challenge of.

When he was nine, there was a debacle in the base surrounding a fourteen year old problem named Henry. In the aftermath of the chaos, Henry was, rather fortuitously, stuck in a holding cell at Alpha Base HQ while Errick's father tried to figure out what to do with him. This left Errick with an opportunity: a literally captive audience. He visited Henry regularly, and before long they were friends... whether Henry wanted it or not. Errick pretty much picked him out like a pet from the humane society and all but informed him that that they were friends now; its how Errick be and how Errick do). I wouldn't say that Errick was the sole reason for Henry getting to still have a future after what had happened, but he sure influenced the decision.

Henry and Errick got each other through some rough times over the next few years. Henry had a steep adjustment period from his past life to his present one and Errick had more personal tragedy to deal with. His mom died after a few years of illness when he was twelve, leaving him with just his very busy dad as family. One more loss and he'd be the last of the Rider family left. By this point he was also starting to understand how bleak his own future really was. More than ever, it was becoming apparent that Alpha Base's continued survival was not a sure thing past the next few decades. Nothing lasts forever, and one can only keep recycling the same material for so long before it all turns to dust. Dust was exactly what was uncomfortably near on the horizon. It didn't encourage Errick much in regards to taking his looming responsibilities seriously. What fun is it to be captain of a sinking ship?

When he was 19, that came to a head with the rise of the dreamers and the rebellion. The four key players of the rebellion were close friends of Heinrich's, and their ringleader was the sister of Errick's at-the-time boyfriend. The betrayal and the threat coming from so close by shook him badly and only made him more paranoid and more afraid of what was to come.

He had at least one more long-term relationship after that - with a woman named Laura - but his twenties and his early thirties were not wonderful for his mental health. The rebels continued to be a problem that Heinrich and Commander Christoph couldn't seem to get a handle on, the base was dying, the population was on a decline, it was getting harder to keep the lights on, and when he was in his late twenties, Errick's father started showing the first signs that he was getting sick. Christoph still had a lot of years left in him, but it was the very beginning of an end. The stress took a toll on Errick's relationship with Laura, and what they had fell apart in spectacular fashion.

Errick met Paul when he was 32 and Paul was 23. At the time, Errick wasn't necessarily looking for anything that would last, but they ended up being extremely good for each other. Paul thrives off of being needed and doesn't take much personally - he's got a very stable, steady personality. Errick does well with someone trustworthy, dependable, and loyal who genuinely loves him, loose screws and all, and that's Paul to a tee.

So Errick was actually doing all right for himself, finally.

And then, at age 37, the book begins, and so do a whole new set of troubles.

[mind-spirit-body]

9/22/23

I've almost surpassed my 2nd goal for my weight loss journey. I'm only half a pound shy of 220. I'm so close that I can almost taste it and the motivation for it is so sweet! I keep setting my goals 20 pounds down to help with encouragement. 20 pounds is a lot to lose for each goal but I feel so accomplished when I surpass it.

While hitting the numbers are great, my ultimate motivation is a full body transformation before a cruise in January and my husband's brother's wedding in February. My husband's family has never seen me thin. They've never even seen me at the weight I currently am. I don't see them often, but I want people to gasp when they do. I want them to say things like "I can't believe how much you've changed!"

I don't know why, but that validation for all my hard work just feels so good. This isn't the first time I've been on a weight loss journey. Life gets in the way sometimes. But this time feels different. This time feels like I'm heading in the right direction.

My clothes are getting baggier. They're starting to fall off. My rings are too big for my fingers and even the temporary ring I bought is starting to loosen. I'm not as winded when I go for walks or hike. I'm not out of breath just from walking and talking with friends. My self esteem is going up. It's going to be awesome going through my old bag of clothes to see which clothes I fit in again. There was a dress that I really loved that I was going to take to Goodwill because I felt like I would never fit in it again...but now...maybe I will in the next couple of months.

Only time and discipline will tell.

[mytangledlove]

There are days when I wake up and wonder how I’m still breathing. Not because I want to stop—but because life has taken so much from me that it feels like I’m running on empty.

I was in a long-distance relationship for nearly seven years. Seven years of loyalty, belief, emotional investment—seven years of holding on through distance and doubt. I stayed because I believed in us, in the future we talked about. But in 2023, without warning, he betrayed everything we had and married someone else. Just like that. No explanation that could heal the wound. No closure. Just silence and a pain that screamed louder than anything I’ve known.

That betrayal shattered me. I lost trust, not just in people, but in the idea of love itself. I told myself I’d never fall again. But then… someone else came into my life. He encouraged me to move on. He stayed, he listened, he slowly became the person I leaned on. At first, I resisted him—I didn’t want to get hurt again. But over time, I began to care, even though part of me still feared it. I compromised my feelings just to believe again.

It’s been three years since he came into my life. And now… he’s leaving too. Not out of choice, but because of family pressure. He’s going to marry someone else. Another goodbye I never asked for. Another wound I never deserved. It feels like betrayal all over again, even if it’s covered in softer excuses. The pain doesn’t feel any different. My heart is exhausted. My soul feels bruised. And I can’t help but ask: Why does love always end in heartbreak for me?

As if all this weren’t enough, I lost the one person who always gave me strength—my father. He passed away last December. He was everything to me. My protector, my supporter, my safe place. With him gone, the world feels colder. Emptier. Directionless. He was the one I’d turn to in times of confusion, and now the silence left behind is deafening.

But what hurts even more is watching my mother grieve every single day. Her pain is like a mirror to mine, only deeper and more devastating. She lost her life partner, and every day I watch her carry that weight. Sometimes she cries quietly, sometimes not at all—but the sadness in her eyes never fades. It’s heartbreaking to feel helpless in front of someone you love. I want to take her pain away, but I don’t even know how to deal with my own. It’s like I’m trying to keep her from drowning while forgetting that I’m already underwater myself.

I feel hollow. Not because I don’t feel emotions—but because I feel too much. Too much pain. Too much loss. Too much silence. And sometimes… no one even notices. I smile, I talk, I exist—but inside, I’m tired. I’m tired of being strong. Tired of pretending that I’m okay. Tired of losing people who meant everything to me.

I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know how to heal. But maybe writing this down is the first step. Maybe giving my pain a voice means it no longer controls me in silence.

[thesimplyluxuriouslife]

402: How to Keep Ourselves Healthy - Mind and Body - for the Rest of Our Lives (specifically for perimenopausal and beyond, but for all ages too)

  "With the right training, nutrition, lifestyle strategies, and the power of the mind, women in their fifties and beyond can still [accomplish amazing feats] . . . women prove every day that our best years can be ahead of us no matter how old we are now . . . you've accumulated hard-earned wisdom and power over the years. You're higher on the totem pole of life. There are countless opportunities that lie ahead." —Dr. Stacy Sims, phD, International exercise physiologist and nutrition scientist

The beautiful gift of stepping into another year of life is that we have the opportunity, but not the promise, to enjoy the application of wisdom learned along the way.

As someone who lives with awareness and pays attention to the reality of life, we know that our bodies need to be taken care of properly so that they can take care of us. Knowing how our bodies change as we age is crucial to knowing how to give it the care it needs for optimal quality of living. Which brings me to a reality that Dr. Stacy T. Sims, an exercise physiologist and nutrition scientist, pointed out in a recent interview on The Mel Robbins podcast (listen here), the majority, and arguably supermajority of all fitness studies and how the body responds to exercise for weight loss and strength building has been done with men as their test subjects, and the few studies that did involve women, were women who were pre-menopausal age. In fact, she points out in her latest book Next Level: Your Guide to Kicking Ass, Feeling Great, and Crushing Goals Through Menopause that in a 2019 study published by the Mayo Clinic Proceedings "found that of 177 resident physicians in family medicine, internal medicine, and even obstetrics/gynecology who were surveyed, 20 percent received zero lectures on menopause during their training. Fewer than 7 percent reported feeling prepared to help manage the care of women through their menopausal years."

However, thankfully, awareness and discussion and knowledge are being more readily shared thanks to many high profile individuals - Michelle Obama, Oprah, Naomi Watts, Halle Berry, Katie Couric, Maria Shriver and more. What is most important is understanding what we can do and how it will benefit us not only in the short-term but in the long-term. And as someone who has been active all of my life, and now am at the age of 46, I began to realize I need to learn more about what I can do to keep my body strong, reduce the symptoms and continue to enjoy working out while seeing results. That is why I was thrilled to be introduced to Dr. Stacy Sims, and I have a long-time TSLL reader and member to thank for this - Janet M. Janet sent me the link to the Mel Robbin's podcast episode with Dr. Stacy Sims that essentially just blasts so many myths out of the water about how to eat, workout and think about what we do to ourselves as women as we step into the perimenopausal and then postmenopausal period of our life, which is the rest of our life - we think we need to eat less and work out more and the exact opposite is true. I cannot tell you how refreshing, validating and inspiring that episode was, so I encourage you to listen to it so you can meet Dr. Stacy Sims and get an introduction to what we're going to talk about today and why I highly recommend picking up her latest book Next Level.

With all of that said, I have simultaneously been reading a book about how to strengthen our memory to do all that we can, whatever our age, to prevent dementia and Alzheimer's, and what I discovered, which will not likely surprise you, is that so much of what we can do for our physical health that will also benefit our brain health and strong memory. So today's episode is the episode that will share with you 17 specific life habits, practices and approaches to keep both your body and mind healthy for the rest of our lives, specifically dedicated to women as we move through perimenopause, then menopause (which is essentially one day), and the postmenopause which will be for the rest of our lives. Why not discover how to thrive and enjoy this awesome time of our lives because as a favorite quote of my shares, "The climax of the story always occurs in the second act. It's the best part." as written for the dramatized show Julia about Julia Child.

The other reason I wanted to bring this episode to you is because the more we talk about and celebrate and model how to live amazingly through this inevitable change, we destigmatize what has been for centuries seen as a negative along the journey of womanhood. No longer! And that can only change with women - the words we use, how we talk about it, how we live, etc. The mindset we bring, the attitude, the wisdom, the support, it will all make a powerful difference that not only will help each of us, but those around us and those who will arrive into the latter half of their life after us undaunted and eager to do so because of the women who came before who refused to be seen as less-than or a incapable of achieving amazing things.

~Find the Show Notes on The Simply Luxurious Life blog — https://thesimplyluxuriouslife.com/podcast402 

Tune in to the latest episode of The Simple Sophisticate podcast

[keto-dietchart]

The Ultimate Keto Meal Plan

The Ultimate Keto Meal Plan: Your Path to Keto Success

A Comprehensive Guide to the Keto Lifestyle The Ultimate Keto Meal Plan is a meticulously crafted guide for anyone looking to embrace the ketogenic lifestyle. I used the following product and found it to be an invaluable resource that simplifies the journey to achieving ketosis and maintaining a healthy, sustainable diet. Whether you are new to keto or a seasoned follower, this meal plan offers everything you need to succeed.

Perfectly Balanced Meal Options One of the standout features of The Ultimate Keto Meal Plan is its well-balanced and delicious recipes. The meal plan caters to a variety of taste preferences while adhering to keto principles, ensuring you never feel deprived. I used the following product and enjoyed how each recipe provided clear instructions, nutritional breakdowns, and alternatives to suit individual needs. This thoughtful approach made it easy to stay on track without feeling restricted.

Ease of Preparation The plan is designed for convenience, which is crucial for busy lifestyles. Most of the recipes use readily available ingredients and require minimal preparation time. I used the following product and appreciated how it eliminated the stress of meal planning and grocery shopping. With everything laid out clearly, I saved hours each week and had more time to focus on my health and fitness goals.

Encourages Consistency and Motivation The Ultimate Keto Meal Plan isn’t just a collection of recipes; it’s a complete guide to sustaining a ketogenic lifestyle. I used the following product and found the accompanying tips and motivation strategies incredibly helpful. From understanding the benefits of ketosis to managing common challenges, the plan keeps you informed and inspired. This made it much easier to stay consistent and committed to my goals.

Supports Weight Loss and Energy Boosts The results speak for themselves: I used the following product and experienced noticeable weight loss and increased energy levels within weeks. The carefully curated meals helped me achieve ketosis quickly and maintain it effortlessly. Additionally, the plan includes helpful advice on portion control and macros, making it easier to monitor progress and achieve optimal results.

Affordable and Accessible The Ultimate Keto Meal Plan offers tremendous value for money. Unlike expensive subscription services or fad diets, this plan is a one-time investment that provides long-term benefits. I used the following product and appreciated the affordability and accessibility, making it a practical choice for individuals and families alike.

Ideal for Beginners and Experts Alike Whether you’re new to keto or a seasoned practitioner, this plan adapts to your needs. I used the following product as someone relatively new to keto, and it guided me seamlessly through the initial stages. For experts, it offers creative recipes and advanced tips to refine their approach. This versatility makes it a must-have resource for anyone on the ketogenic journey.

Final Thoughts The Ultimate Keto Meal Plan is an exceptional resource for achieving and maintaining a ketogenic lifestyle. I used the following product and found it to be practical, effective, and motivating. With its delicious recipes, ease of use, and holistic approach, it is a game-changer for anyone looking to improve their health through keto. If you’re ready to embark on a successful keto journey, this meal plan is the perfect starting point

[dietitiangagan]

How to Build a Sustainable Weight Loss Plan

Weight loss is a goal many strive for, but the key to success lies not in quick fixes or extreme diets, but in creating a sustainable weight loss plan that you can stick with for the long term. As a dietitian in Chandigarh, I emphasize the importance of balanced nutrition, realistic goals, and lifestyle changes that support not just weight loss, but overall health. In this blog, we’ll explore the steps to building a sustainable weight loss plan that works for you.

1. Start with Realistic Goals

One of the first steps in creating a sustainable weight loss plan is setting realistic goals. It’s essential to understand that healthy weight loss takes time. Aiming to lose 1-2 pounds per week is a safe and achievable target. Quick weight loss methods might promise immediate results, but they often lead to regaining the weight once the diet is stopped. A dietitian in Chandigarh can help you assess your body’s needs and set achievable goals that fit your lifestyle and health conditions.

2. Focus on a Balanced Diet

A balanced diet is at the heart of any effective weight loss plan. Rather than following restrictive diets, which can be hard to maintain, aim for a diet that includes a variety of nutrient-rich foods. This should include:

Lean proteins (chicken, fish, legumes, tofu)

Healthy fats (avocados, nuts, olive oil)

Fiber-rich foods (whole grains, vegetables, fruits)

Complex carbohydrates (brown rice, quinoa, oats)

As a dietitian in Chandigarh, I often emphasize the importance of portion control and mindful eating. Even healthy foods can contribute to weight gain if consumed in excess, so being mindful of your portions and hunger cues is crucial.

3. Incorporate Regular Physical Activity

Exercise is an essential part of any weight loss journey. However, it’s important to choose activities that you enjoy and can incorporate into your routine consistently. Whether it’s walking, swimming, cycling, or yoga, staying active helps you burn calories, boosts metabolism, and improves overall health.

As a dietitian in Chandigarh, I recommend pairing strength training with aerobic exercises for optimal results. Strength training helps build muscle, which in turn increases your resting metabolic rate, allowing you to burn more calories even when you’re not working out.

4. Focus on Long-Term Lifestyle Changes

A sustainable weight loss plan isn’t just about dieting; it’s about changing your relationship with food and your lifestyle. Rather than relying on temporary diets, focus on making healthier choices in the long run. This includes:

Reducing processed food intake

Drinking plenty of water

Getting enough sleep (aim for 7-9 hours per night)

Managing stress effectively through relaxation techniques like meditation

These lifestyle changes will support your weight loss goals and help you maintain a healthy weight for the long term. Consulting with a dietitian in Chandigarh can help you understand which changes are most suitable for your individual needs and preferences.

5. Track Your Progress and Stay Consistent

Tracking your progress can help keep you motivated and make adjustments as needed. Keep a food diary or use an app to track your meals, exercise, and other habits. Monitoring your weight, energy levels, and emotional well-being will help you assess if your plan is working or needs tweaking.

Consistency is key. It’s easy to get discouraged if results don’t come immediately, but remember, slow and steady wins the race. As a dietitian in Chandigarh, I always encourage my clients to stay patient and focused on their long-term health goals.

6. Seek Support When Needed

Embarking on a weight loss journey can be challenging, and it’s important to have a support system in place. Whether it’s friends, family, or a healthcare professional like a dietitian in Chandigarh, having someone to guide and motivate you can make a significant difference. A dietitian can provide personalized advice, monitor your progress, and help you make adjustments to your plan as needed.

7. Be Kind to Yourself

Remember, sustainable weight loss is not about perfection, but about progress. It’s normal to have setbacks, and it’s important not to be too hard on yourself. Instead of focusing on occasional slip-ups, focus on your overall journey and the positive changes you’re making for your health.

Conclusion

Building a sustainable weight loss plan takes time, patience, and commitment. By setting realistic goals, focusing on balanced nutrition, staying active, making long-term lifestyle changes, and seeking support when needed, you can create a plan that works for you. As a dietitian in Chandigarh, I always tell my clients that it’s not about the destination but about creating healthy habits that will last a lifetime.

If you’re looking to start your weight loss journey or need guidance on creating a sustainable plan tailored to your needs, feel free to reach out. Let’s work together to build a healthier, happier you!

[heidiha7]

I delved deeper into Reyna Grande's poignant essay, "Losing My Mother Tongue," which resonates profoundly with my own experiences regarding language, identity, and belonging. Grande's narrative beautifully illustrates the complexities of growing up as a bilingual individual, navigating the delicate balance between two cultures and the painful sense of loss that often accompanies such a journey. As I read about her struggles to maintain her Spanish in an English dominated environment, I couldn't help but reflect on my own relationship with my mother tongue. It made me think about the moments when I hesitated to speak Spanish in public or felt embarrassed when my accent revealed my heritage. Grande's essay reminded me that this struggle is not mine alone but shared by many who find themselves in similar situations, caught between two worlds. One particularly striking aspect of her writing was how she articulated the emotional weight of losing one's language. The idea that language is not just a means of communication but also a vessel of culture, memories, and familial connection resonated deeply with me. I felt a pang of nostalgia as I recalled my childhood moments spent with family, where our conversations in our native language were filled with laughter, love, and lessons. Grande’s reflection on how language shapes identity made me realize how integral these connections are to who I am today. Additionally, her discussion about the pressure to conform to societal expectations struck a chord. The fear of being judged or misunderstood due to language barriers can be incredibly daunting, yet it also highlights our resilience. I often notice how my own confidence fluctuates depending on the context in which I am speaking. Grande’s words encouraged me to embrace my language and its imperfections, recognizing that every effort I make to communicate authentically is a step toward preserving my cultural identity. As I navigate my own educational journey, I’ve committed to honoring my mother tongue more intentionally. Whether it's by practicing Spanish more regularly, engaging with literature written in my native language, or simply sharing stories from my family’s history, I’ve come to understand that language is a powerful tool for connection and self-expression. Reyna Grande's essay has inspired me to celebrate my bilingualism rather than see it as a limitation. Losing my mother tongue is a possibility I wish to avoid, and through her compelling narrative, I've found motivation to keep my linguistic heritage alive. As I move forward, I hope to encourage others to cherish their languages and the rich narratives they carry, recognizing that each voice contributes to the beautiful tapestry of diversity in our world.