#And accepting it will not make it easier

[evercelle]

[currentlyjaywalking]

@professor-of-himbology you are correct

[inkskinned]

i'm still trying to piece together the truth of it. when you left, you said: feel free to spin this narrative however you want. i have no idea if you were being cruel or if you just genuinely don't remember what you've done to me.

it's hard because i'd done so much of the work for you. i had seen the parts that flaked off, the rust underneath. i started separating you into two people - the one i loved, and the one who hurt me. i had this fantasy version of you - my partner - and then i had this stranger, a third person who would show up randomly to shatter me. i am deliriously glad i'm no longer with "the stranger". i miss the gentle (unreal?) "other" you terribly.

at first, i was so strict about my boundaries. i remember telling you to get the fuck out of my house if you were going to talk to me like that. by the end: i would justify your behavior for you, accepting even your mistreatment as "my fault" in the grand scheme. i look back on the person i was before you - smart, independent, confident - and i feel a strange sense of detachment. i don't even recognize me.

even in one of our last conversations, you said: if you want a partner that always talks warmly to you, find someone else. there was a time that a comment like that would have made me leave. and instead, somehow, i just placidly accepted that kind of thing. you were literally telling me that i wasn't allowed to have a reaction to your cruelty - and i just took it, because you'd so fully turned things around on me.

when people are faced with irrationality, a rational brain tries to make sense of it. this is the trap. they're lovely in the morning, gentle and blue-eyed and sweet. like nothing even happened, they breeze around the house and kiss you on the mouth. but at night; who is that? they snap almost randomly; flying into an impotent rage about just-about-anything. it just doesn't make sense. so the problem must be me, and my brain, and how i think.

the traumatized brain just wants peace. so maybe i'm misremembering. maybe you were just having a bad day. maybe it's actually me.

you eventually would fully turn on me and start implying that i am the bad actor in our relationship. that's what happens, right? that's literally in the playbook. you went to therapy for all of a month, told her a half-truth, co-opted therapyspeak. you figured out how to reframe your actions as "seeking peace." any time i stood my ground, i was "gaslighting." when i asked you to be more gentle, you said i was "tone policing." you said, randomly, i had emotionally manipulated you - i still have no idea what that's even specifically referring to. maybe my consistent requests for calmness and empathy?

and while i literally know better, and i'm sitting here, trained by you, thinking: wait, fuck. was i actually the person you made me out to be?

and the thing that scares me is that i literally do not know if you ever actually saw what you were doing to me. when you'd tell me how you remember arguments, you'd always summarize them in a way where you come off as gentle and easy: "i was trying to set an important boundary." what had actually happened was 15 minutes of you shouting at me i know you did something shady, just admit it already. eventually you'd say my reaction to your shouting (when i finally reacted, which usually happened around hour three) was inevitably "disappointing" and "another way i'm silencing your feelings."

how many times did i ask you - beg you - to just take accountability? looking back, i don't think i ever heard you say: you're right. the way i talked to you was wrong of me.

i am trying to tie together the two people into a full version of you in my head. yes, you made my coffee and made me laugh and spent hours on the phone with me. and yes - you would scream at me until i had to run away and hide behind something.

i wish i did have a narrative i could pull out and shape to my whim. i wish i did have some semblance of reality. instead i just stand here, strange and vibrating, wondering: what the fuck just happened?

[faunandfloraas]

Sometimes I think "Should I follow other people's standards?" but if I went on like that, I'd be missing my own standards. For a long time I stayed busy and felt accomplished about the records we set, but when I looked back... Everyone has their own joys in life, but I had come so far from my own joys.

SONG By Seungmin, Episode 02- High and Dry.

[myoonmii]

I keep thinking about Merlin’s love for Arthur and how it’s so clearly portrayed in the show to the point that it practically drives the plot of the show. However when it comes to Arthur’s love for Merlin it’s more subtle and sometimes difficult to even grasp, and I started thinking why that was, aside from the obvious fact that Arthur has a lot of trouble expressing his emotions affection or otherwise. I think it also lies in the fact that Merlin knows Arthur intrinsically throughout the show; he is one of the closest people to Arthur, and sees him for who he really is. Arthur admits as much.

Sure, Arthur knows Merlin but the main part of the plot is that he really doesn't know Merlin. Merlin wants him to desperately understand him and “see me for who I am” but he can't yet. And I think this subconsciously creates a barrier in the way in which Arthur can care for Merlin, and how Merlin can let himself be seen by Arthur.

Which is why I think he was also so hurt when the magic reveal happens because more than the betrayal of Merlin having magic, it was the betrayal of Merlin not letting Arthur see him for who he really is and for hiding a main part of himself. Arthur says it himself “why did you never tell me” that’s what hurt him the most.

I think the most damning piece of evidence for this is the fact that while we see snippets of Arthur’s feelings for Merlin thought the show, the biggest signs are in the last episode after the magic reveal; in which he finally gets to understand Merlin, and this time REALLY know Merlin, and as the barriers of what held them back from understanding each other truly fall away, Arthur evidently “falls in love with Merlin all over again”. We see him actually express himself to Merlin.

This is another reason why I think if anyone was ever to create another season of Merlin after Arthur’s return, it’s physically impossible not to make it about Merlin and Arthur acknowledging their feelings for each other. Because there is no way forward without them acknowledging how deeply they care for each other, obviously anyone is free to argue what kind of love that is, but its impossible not to see the deep love there either way.

They always knew they loved each other, just maybe never realising how much and what that means, because its almost second nature to everything that they do.

[pseudophan]

Unpopular opinion: i do not fully like the rebranding of dnpg and i think the gaming should be kept here while a brand new couple channel should be done on the side for nongaming

see i get the thought process and i think dan and phil sort of agree with it and that's part of the reason why it's taken them this long. the thing is though, if you've got a channel dedicated specifically to one type of content, you kind of have to be somewhat consistent with said content for the channel to not get completely fucked by the algorithm. if they had one joint channel for non-gaming and another one for gaming then they would either have to double their video output or just accept that their videos would get a much smaller reach than they would otherwise. i know the majority of dnp's views come from people who are already subscribed to them, but that doesn't mean the % that doesn't wouldn't be a significant loss. adding onto that, while a lot of us are feral there would definitely also be a lot of casuals who just wouldn't ever move onto the new channel if they made one, which could not be an issue at all because there's always a chance the new channel would draw in a lot of new people instead, but it's still a risk

dan and phil come from the era of youtube where you were supposed to have a separate channel for everything because that's how you keep subscribers coming back, by giving them the exact content they signed up for, but as youtube and the algorithm have evolved that's just not really the way to do things anymore. now the best approach is generally to put most things on the same channel because the more frequent your uploads are the more the videos get pushed out to the masses, and even if dnp aren't primarily aiming for mainstream success they do still rely on their videos getting pushed out at least to an extent

ofc some content benefits from being kept separate, posting HUGELY different kinds of things on the same channel doesn't really work either (like if philip defranco started posting minecraft letsplays on main that would only hurt him, ykwim) but when it comes to dan and phil gaming vs dan and phil doing random other things, the target audience there overlaps so heavily that separate channels don't really makes sense just from a business perspective

edit: i forgot to say this initially but because of this it would also put a lot more pressure on them to do gaming videos when it sounds like they want to kind of sideline that content. they'll still do the gaming, but i think they like the idea that that if they don't want to game at all for a month they don't have to, they can just film something else

[turtleblogatlast]

Mikey and Leo episode centered around Mikey wanting to push Leo and Draxum together since Leo’s the most reluctant to give Draxum any grace (for good reason!) But, thinking on the spot, Leo says he’s gotta go do something for Hueso and “just can’t hang out right now 😔” (yes, he says the emoji out loud.)

Mikey calls his bluff and now the three of them (Mikey having grabbed a weary Draxum along) go to Hueso’s to find that yes, he actually does have a job for him. Said job asks for Leo to go with Hueso to deliver multiple pizzas to this giant yokai quite a distance away, and Hueso figured it would probably go better with Leo’s help (emphasis on probably.)

Well, Mikey decides that this would be a great bonding opportunity for them and basically invites he and Draxum along. Unfortunately for Leo, Hueso doesn’t care enough to wave away more help, though he does side-eye the wanted criminal Baron Draxum coming with them. But who is he to judge? (This choice has consequences.)

The journey goes about as terribly as you’d expect, but at least the pizzas get delivered on time.

[flibustedes]

Hey, remember when Michael Mell said this in Be More Chill Broadway:

"We're talking an insanely powerful supercomputer and you're using it to what? get laid? Did it ever occur to you that there could be consequences? That you're messing with something you don't understand?" "You're the one who said that technology isn't dangerous!" "Yeah, unless they use it like you!"

The fact that this is more relevant than ever is honestly scary I'm ngl :) Listen to Michael, he was onto something on this one

[mo-mode]

Idk how to explain it properly but I just love the concept of them domesticating the Void

[mageknife]

Cole: His face in the stands, watching as I pass the test. So proud there's tears in his eyes.

Cole: Anything to make him happy, anything.

Cole: Why isn't that true anymore?

/

Dorian: He says we’re alike. Too much pride. Once I would have been overjoyed to hear him say that. Now I’m not certain.

/

Halward: This is not what I wanted.

Dorian: I'm never what you wanted, Father, or had you forgotten?

/

Nightmare: Greetings, Dorian… It is Dorian, isn’t it? For a moment, I mistook you for your father.

[the-crooked-library]

opened tiktok (mistake number one, i know) and immediately saw someone saying that Thomas Hutter subverts the "disbelieving husband" trope which... listen i love a thoroughly pathetic mess of a man myself and i get that Ellen's other option is a 400yo evil corpse, but can we please not give him credit for things he didn't do?..

the literal inciting incident of the story is that Thomas DOESN'T listen to Ellen. he doesn't believe her. she tells him that she's got a bad feeling about this trip, begs him not to go, tells him about her nightmare - and what does he do? he calls it a childish fantasy, tells her to stop worrying, and implies that she would benefit from talking to a doctor. saying shit softly doesn't make it any less dismissive or insulting, like i'm sorry but this is peak Disbelieving Husband in a Horror Movie behaviour. he only changed his mind once Orlok put him through the horrors himself, which is also a perfectly standard thing for a Disbelieving Husband to do in the second act. furthermore, from the beginning of the film, he neglects Ellen's emotional needs, is uncomfortable with her abnormalities, and doesn't even really know what sort of gifts she likes - and again, these are all standard flaws for a Disbelieving Husband to exhibit. they're indicative of a disconnect between him and his wife that he continuously refuses to bridge.

caring for someone doesn't mean you can't neglect or harm them, and that applies to everyone - including Normal People like Thomas, like Harding, like Sievers, like the viewer; and that's the point of the film

[potahun]

thinking about akai and it rly hits me like a truck, only once in a blue moon, how he doesn't inquire into furuya's feelings regarding hiro. his conclusions during the scarlet arc were all about how much furuya may or may not resent him. and how that may influence the best course of action for conan's plan. then, during the stage of betrayal, more than furuya, his memories centered around scotch... more than empathy for furuya, his flashback plays out like a recall of his own regret at the way things turned out with scotch, for scotch's sake.

in akai's verbalised thoughts, or the hints we see of his thoughts through his flashbacks and other scenes, there simply isn't much interest in what hiro might have meant to furuya and how that death affects him emotionally today. akai, much like conan, often seem to think of furuya's grudge as a factor, a factor that needs to be taken into account to calculate the next best course of action. how much can furuya cooperate if he loathes me? does he hate me on a personal level and is it bad enough that i shouldn't risk my cover in an attempt to get him on my and bouya's side? can he be talked into focusing on the BO for now?

but i don't sense much interest from him in discovering how furuya may be affected as a person, and what hiro was to him

i guess part of it could be that akai himself processes feelings in a very internal manner so he doesn't see why agents like furuya or him would need any emotional care. he deals with losing his father and akemi but he's still level-headed on the job. Plus, he is lucky that his grudge is directed at someone he needs to take down anyway (inb4 gin turns out to be tsutomu) so he can work effectively for the goal of the FBI even while bearing a grudge (as opposed to furuya who is holding a grudge against someone who is not of the BO) he never enquires about jodie's feelings when she thought he was dead, either, so it's not like furuya is the sole exception; he simply doesn't do much about feelings and it's quite suitable for his job anyway.

but that's precisely it: furuya doesn't look like an exception. Akai doesn't seem to treat furuya differently from the rest... so, with this approach, i dont see furuya and him ever becoming close on a personal level. akai doesn't seem to have much interest in clearing the misunderstanding about hiro anyway. as it is, even if furuya were to digest it all on his own, they may simply drift into silence and avoidance, on both parts, unless furuya wants to know why akai never told him the truth (and even then akai might not give him the answer normally)

akai's actions until now don't show him as someone who takes active steps to get feelings out into the open and again, furuya doesn't really seem like The Exception for him until now (remember: until now furuya has been the one doggedly seeking akai out. akai has been giving reactions, yes, even when he showed his face to him, it was in reaction to furuya's role in the bell tree express and the danger he posed) so, depending on how much self-worth furuya has, he might never seek akai out again post-BO, even if he were to realise that his own footsteps had been the clincher in hiro's death. and if he doesnt seek akai out, i dont see akai doing that for him

i know one way to deal with it in fics has been to set up a joint investigative unit to give a reason for furuya and akai to spend extended amount of time together, thereby making it easier for them to open up. but that is fic shorthand (which is fine, but we have to recognize that in canon, there are reasons why it's not that easy or straightforward and even if there was such a unit, it might not look the same as MPD weekly meetings and such) so in fact akam is not an easy thing to write at all. it takes a lot of work to explain -- based on the canon hints we get of their personalities, and the canon way they mutually interact -- why it could work beyond hate-fucking

and for one, beyond hate-fucking initiated by furuya and beyond shorthands, one thing that would be very interesting to see in fanwork, based on canon, is why furuya might be or may become an Exception for akai

[skunkes]

thank god for the rarity of befriending ppl you really click with. It hadn't happened to me in so long... <- and this will start making you feel like you're unlovable and that there's something wrong with u

[trashcanwithsprinkles]

How do you go about finding/reading fics?

Personally, when I get into something, I'll go through a list of fanfic sites and read all the summaries and pick what sounds interesting, then every few weeks I observed the tag again if I'm still interested. Sometimes I stumble upon them on tumblr, iirc thats how I found yours. Art -> Fic.

Now, while I haven't finished the new Mond murder quest, lack of voices and the weird ost for the trial put me off a tad, I don't have a decent idea of Dahlia but still shouldn't really be all that surprised at the Dahlia/Venti but there are so many in so little time, god speed.

it depends on my investment in the ship. when i first start i just go to the ao3 ship tag and scroll down in order of most recent. if the chronological order is too slow to get new interesting fics for my rate of reading, then i sort by bookmarks in a separate tab and go down the list, checking back in on the chronological order every once in a while

i don't touch any other sites nowadays unless i'm really desperate. i just know that if i go to wattpad i'm gonna end up both frustrated and just reading can't eat love again for the like. nth time.

[qoldenskies]

You said you liked giving them so... out of context fire at will spoiler?

there is a point in the story where mikey in particular stops seeing leo as his brother completely. he stops him from hurting raph and he yells "get away from MY brother". not our. because to mikey, that's not leo. that's a monster that's hurting his family. it's the only way he knows how to cope with it all.

[fooltofancy]

vierapril day twentyeight - favorite job/thread

when it's all over the absurd desire to take him in your arms thrums with your racing heart, pull him into your chest like a lover to hide him from all of the eyes. to stop him from looking at you like that.

listen the drk shit was gonna go on a different day but then something else needed that set of prompts so i had to. i had to stretch these ones a bit, lmao.

sometimes you've gotta look yourself in the face and then. yaknow. stab him.