#And Stede would maybe want to try and grow his out Just Because

[saltpepperbeard]

((inspired by a convo with @spirker ))

[plantsjustwannahavefun]

I used to think that the reason I wasn't satisfied with Izzy's death was because I was too attached to his perspective as a character and couldn't focus on the big picture of the season and the main Gentlebeard relationship enough. I mean, I was still convinced that his death and the way it was carried out was a shit writing decision, but everyone else outside the Izzy Canyon circles seemed fine with it, so I was starting to think that maybe they were right.

So I looked back on the rest of the season and rewatched the finale... And realised something that I'd been trying to ignore because it was too painful to admit. A huge part of why Izzy's death hit so hard (in a bad way, not that delicious masochistic pain of having a beloved character die a good, narratively satisfying death) was because throughout this season he was the only character who actually had a satisfying arc and development. Practically no one else did. I didn't actually care for Gentlebeard this season, not the way I cared in S1. From episode 1 to 8 and a half, Izzy's arc was crafted with more care, kindness, subtlety and narrative weight than the main Gentlebeard arc which, in comparison, felt like a string of choppy beads badly tied together in an approximate shape of an arc, but collapsed as soon as you looked at it too closely.

Yes, we all know this season suffered for being 2 episodes too short, but I don't think that's all there is to it. This is starting to feel like GoT season 8 all over again. Would it have been better if it wasn't so rushed? Maybe. Or maybe it would have been even worse because this season just didn't seem to know what to do with itself or the characters. The themes and symbolism are all over the place and completely inconsistent. Ed and Stede's characters are practically back at the same place they left in S1. All they did was bounce off the walls back and forth with no real growth. As soon as they took a step towards fixing their relationship or growing as people, they either tool three steps back or it just got dropped. Stede letting fame get to his head? Interesting and realistic development. And how was it resolved? It wasn't. Stede and Ed being whim prone? I'm glad they brought it up. And then they just fell for another whim and it was presented as a satisfying ending.

Ed went from the Kraken, to taking the first steps towards being Ed, then suddenly all the way to being Ed by way of a Night of Magical Healing Sex that he he didn't actually want to happen because he wasn't ready. And then all of a sudden he pivoted to abandoning Stede and piracy and becoming a fisherman... for 5 min. And then back to Blackbeard again because two fishermen were mean to him for 5 minutes. And then abandoning it again to open an inn. How was any of this even remotely coherent or satisfying? They didn't even have a single conversation about any of it. Ed had more proper closure and communication with Izzy during his dying scene than with Stede and the rest of the crew put together. Izzy's arc got sacrificed to do the heavy lifting for Ed's arc and became nothing more than a shortcut to speed run his character growth. Except it didn't even lead anywhere. "Ed, they're your family, they love you" no they don't, he didn't even have a single positive conversation with any of them except Fang. Of course this could have been the point, and Ed could have seen Izzy's death, his own discovery of found family and his dying words as a pretext to repair his relationship with the crew. But he just left them and stayed with Stede instead.

Sure, you could say this was only the second act of the story, and S3 will resolve everything. But the second act is still meant to move the story and the characters forward in some way. Yes, of course if we get S3, I imagine Stede and Ed's life as innkeepers won't exactly be idyllic. But the problem is that the conflicts they'd have will only be a rehash and repeat of the same conflicts they've already have, or were supposed to have, this season. Multiple times, even. We already know that Ed is simply unable to live with himself no matter what life he chooses. The title of S1 was literally "wherever you go, there you are". We already know Stede's love isn't enough to fix him. We already know their goals in life are completely opposite. Maybe they could have shown Stede realising, after his humiliating in S7, that piracy wasn't all it was cracked up to be or he isn't suited for it, and that's why he chose to leave it behind and open an inn, but that's not the explanation we were given. It was just another whim. They literally didn't learn anything this season. They had two baby conversations in E4 and E5 and didn't take anything from it, just kept doing the complete opposite of anything. "We're both prone to whims, let's take things slow" became "let's take things extremely fast by moving in together permanently and becoming entrepreneurs". They never talked about the actual, deepseated, longstanding trauma issues they needed to resolve before they could even begin to have a proper relationship. They literally got a heavy-handed glimpse in what their life would become if they just stuck together without addressing their own personal issues, and chose to do that very thing. It that's what S3 is going to address, then why were Anne and Mary part of this season instead of the next one?

I remember everyone saying they wanted Ed and Stede to reunite as quickly as possible in S2, and I get why. They have great chemistry together. The season is about them. But for it to work, spending more time apart is exactly what they needed. They needed to learn how to live with themselves and others, first. Romantic love alone can't fix you as a person. You have to fix yourself first. Community can help (as with Izzy's case), but you still have to put in the work. In retrospect, I'm glad that Izzy didn't get a love interest this season - because he wasn't ready yet, and had to learn how to have normal relationships and friendships with other people before attempting an intimate romantic relationship, lest he ended up falling head first unit another toxic mutually dependent relationship. That's what Stede and Ed should have tried too. Instead the show just ended up using Izzy's death as a quick surgical fix, robbing Ed of his agency and having to do the hard work repairing himself and his relationships with other people. There's a sad irony in getting exactly one character's arc just this, and then using it as a sacrificial lamb to patch over the main character's arc.

[piratecaptainscaptainpirates]

One thing about Izzy that I find very hilarious is that whenever he attempts to do anything in Ed and Stede's relationship it backfires horribly.

In season 1, Izzy obviously wanted to break Ed and Stede up. He's honestly the reason they even met - he lied to Ed and told him that Stede told Blackbeard to "go suck eggs in hell," which just cemented Ed's interest in Stede. Duelling Stede only got Izzy kicked off the ship, and calling the cops on them made Ed sign the Act of Grace for Stede. Literally all Izzy wanted was Stede Bonnet out of his life (and Ed's by extension) and all he did was push their relationship along.

And then. In season 2. Oh my g-d in season 2. Izzy grows as a person and realizes, hey, maybe they're good for each other and I was just being the biggest asshole on the planet before. Whoops. And so he tells Ed, hey, throwing your Blackbeard outfit overboard felt good? Maybe you should listen to that feeling :). And what this accomplished, because Izzy has the worst timing in the entire world, was adding to Ed's feelings that he and Stede were in incompatible places in their lives, so Ed decided then to go get a job on a fishing boat. When Izzy wanted to encourage their relationship he actually contributed to Ed panicking and breaking up with Stede before Stede could break up with him.

He is so bad at reading a situation. It's a good thing he won't be in s3 because knowing his track record he'd try to talk to Ed about how much Stede wants to wife him up and what would actually come out of his mouth would be some shit like "he doesn't want to be your boyfriend anymore" (because he wants to be your husband, but Ed would miss that obvious message because he'd already have melted into a sad little puddle)

[brigdh]

I was thinking more about how Stede doesn't really have an arc this season (see my previous criticism here), and I've decided that what I would have loved to see was Stede actively attempting to court Ed.

Now, we did get a little of this in the first few episodes: Stede's letters in 2x01 are great, I love his attempting to track Ed down via a crime-map in 2x02, and of course the "I'll never leave you. I'll never leave again" speech at the end of 2x03 is fantastic. But once Stede and Ed are both in the same location and conscious, there's really nothing. Stede just hangs around, waiting for Ed to figure himself out, or take the lead, or something, I don't know, but Stede's certainly doesn't take any action to progress their relationship himself. He's such a static character in the second half of S2.

But! Imagine instead the arc where Stede is actively trying to romance Ed! I don't need him to be good at it; it's probably a better character arc if he isn't, in fact. Maybe he comes on way too strong at first and this is why Ed asks him to slow down, until Ed can figure out what he's doing about his own guilt/violence/identity/daddy issues (maybe Ed can actually figure out something about his guilt/violence/identity/daddy issues). Maybe Stede's entire conception of romance comes from poetry and novels and it hits a hard skid when he tries it out in reality. Maybe there are cultural clashes between how pirates approach one another and how the landed upper class does it. The exact way Stede fails doesn't really matter, because the point is that Stede is trying something, and fucking it up, and trying again, and growing as he does so, learning more about what the relationship between him and Ed needs and who they are as people.

This also could have been a really interesting arc for Stede internally. Throw in a couple of flashbacks to Stede courting Mary, to make a parallel between how he acted then and how he's acting now with Ed. If it's beyond the budget to fly Claudia O'Doherty to New Zealand or she's busy or something, give Stede a random other lady or two he approached as a young man – ones who obviously refused to accept his hand. Excellent! Now there's even more weight to him getting it right this time with Ed, when he's never managed to get someone to like him before! Or give young Stede an intense friendship with another young man that went wrong, and back then he didn't understand, but now he can look back and be like, 'oh I guess that wasn't as platonic as I thought'. (Personally, this would be my favorite option, but I know Jenkins & co said they didn't want to write a coming-out story, so maybe they'd have been less interested in this one. Fine, but I want it! 🥳 ) I think you could do this without taking up a lot of screentime – I doubt all the scenes we got of Ed's childhood add up to five minutes in total, but we got plenty of information from those three glimpses.

It would also make sense for Stede to discuss the issue with the crew, which gives the show a chance to flesh out their role a little more, another thing the season could have used. If he asks Lucius, what Lucius responds and how he reacts could help to develop the Lucius/Pete relationship. Similarly, if Stede turned to Olu or Jim, we could have heard more about Jim/Archie or Olu/Zheng or any combination of the four. Or any of the crew! What kind of relationship advice does Frenchie give? Roach? This also could have intersected with Ed's redemption arc nicely: which are the crew are willing to put aside their anger at Ed to help Stede (and them doing so would give more credence to Izzy's speech about them being family and loving Ed at the end)? Who isn't willing, and tries to deliberately sabotage their relationship for revenge, and how do Stede and/or Ed react to that?

Overall, I think such an arc could have fit the show's themes of masculinity and toxicity really well. There's so much about dating and pick-up lines and romance that reflects on gender – there are expectations of who should be aggressive vs receptive, flowery vs crude, prudish vs too fast, gifts as a sign of love vs gifts as obligation... it's endless. Obviously the season wouldn't have time to explore all these angles, but I list them as a sign of how many directions they could have taken this topic in. Ultimately it all comes down to: Who does Stede want to be as a partner? And who does Ed want him to be? And that would be so strong as a direction to go in, even if we didn't get final answers to the questions! At least they would be asking them.

But instead we got a vision of a mermaid and never explored who Stede is in reality. :(

[emptymasks]

so.. i sure feel like i invested a lot into a show just for them to not care in the end. and this isn't a 'wah they killed of my fave character so show bad'.

the pacing felt weird, right? i wonder if they wanted 10 episodes but the network only gave them 8? or maybe they just didn't know how to end the show. maybe they're scared they won't get a season 3 and so rushed the end of season 2?

but to build up izzy, to have him talk about belonging to something... only to have him die without anyone telling him they love him. yeah ed said they're family but like. the whole thing felt so sudden, from him being the one with richard to getting shot to dying and then to suddenly haha the silly guitar music is playing guys its funny joke time. like. ed was upset as izzy was dying but then it seemed at his burial that no one really cared. it would have been more impactful if his death had been the final scene of the season.

but wouldn't it have been much better to show izzy finding a family? to have him captain the revenge? to contrast with season 1 and how the crew hated him when he was in charge. to end season 2, end the show, with him captaining the crew and having their respect and their love?

because it really didn't feel like he died for the crew, for his family. because he push someone else out of the way to save them he just got outsmarted by richard (since when is izzy that stupid or not strong enough to hold onto a man?) and got shot. like idk you could have had him die protecting ed or stede or the crew. how on earth could izzy not hold onto a man who's physically weaker than him and how the hell did he let someone else grab his fucking gun. or wait im re-watching it looks like richard just.. grabbed a gun out of his own coat.. i.. did no one search this man and take his weapons off him.. what the fuck.. no im sorry there's no excuse that doesn't make sense for no one to have taken his weapons away that just seems like bad writing.

if you were going to kill him off he deserved a better death.

but he deserved a better ending than this. what's the point of him having this arc of finally caring about people if he dies and it seems no one really cared other than ed and fang?

omg i just read as i'm writing this that jenkins does have a plan for a season 3. okay so now it's only acceptable if con wanted to leave the show so they had to kill off izzy but they still should have done it better. have him fending off the english so the crew can escape. have him taking a bullet for ed. something that means something. omg.

and ed and stede... i don't feel like they're ready for this yet. the only way they should be living together is the end of the show. not the end of a season. they literally only just got back together they need time to grow together.

you really said its a show about people finding love and happiness and then killed off the queer disabled character who got to die while telling his abuser that he loved him. the ending feels like the show saying 'actually not everyone deserved love, if you were an izzy fan you were right to get hate' like. he deserved to be loved by the crew, to be told that they cared. but he didn't get that.

also um?? the crew dont love ed. he literally only just finished torturing them, some of them have ptsd and trauma from what he did to them, and even if they want to forgive him they certainly do not love him yet. they cared much more about you izzy than they did about ed.

and then to have him shot in the left side, the place that ed showed in season 1 was a 'safe place' to get injured i. what.

where the fuck was roach? just watching? not trying to help? does he either not care or not think it's worth trying to save him??

IM SORRY BUTTONS CAN TRANSFORM INTO A BIRD, AUNTIE CAN SURVIVE AN EXPLOSION, JACKIE AND SWEDE ARE IMMUNE TO POISON, BUT IZZY GETTING SHOT IN HIS LEFT SIDE UH OH THAT'S DEATH SORRY.

i love the crew, i love zheng. i like stede and ed's romance but they're never the reason i watched the show. but i found izzy's arc the most meaningful to me. and i. i really don't think i'm going to watch a season 3 if there is one. not just because izzy's not there, but that last episode just felt like they don't care or don't know how to write anymore in a way that i enjoy at least.

to see someone like izzy (who's backstory i thought we would get, at least who the ring belongs too that he wears around his neck but no okay) he disliked because he has to be, he doesn't know how to be soft and be loved or how to love others. to show that a person who has been hurt so much and built themself so hard and buried their real self so far below.. to see that person be able to find themself again, to love others, to let themself be loved, to others see who they are. that meant so much.

so much for this being a happy queer show. for a lot of people he felt like this representation of an older queer man who's just coming out of the closet, exploring himself, there's not another character like that. the disability representation with him this season i've seen has meant a lot of people. his arc isn't the same as any others and a lot of people have found something very personal to connect to in that and i think they have a right to be upset.

to say it makes sense for him to be killed off for the narrative because ed needed to let him go... sounds cruel? izzy is a person, he's not a narrative object to make ed feel better about himself. to have ed abuse izzy, physically abuse him, and then izzy's arc ending with him apologising as if it was his fault (yes he encouraged blackbeard, but please let's not victim blame, let's take male victims of abuse seriously) and saying he still loved ed i just..

to say it makes sense narratively for him to get killed off for other reasons i don't fully disagree, but i think it was too soon, and i think at least it should have been in a way that made sense like him protecting the crew, not allowing richard to STILL HAVE HIS GUN ON HIM DID NO ONE CONFISCATE HIS WEAPONS?? or did he take izzy's gun in which case HOW how would izzy allow richard to take his gun. he's smart and a capable fighter what is this.

i saw someone else say izzy's death had no meaning and no consequence. and they're right. the crew moved on straight away and forgot about him (apart from fang, shout out to fang), and seemed like they didn't care. they aren't seeking revenge. they aren't angry. so it's for.. ed and stede to get together? izzy deserves more than that. and they could have still gotten together anyway... if it's for ed to move on then fuck that. an abuser doesn't get to move on from the abuse he caused because his victim fucking died.

i'd been looking forward to this episode all week after i really terrible week and well. should have known nothing this week was going to plan.

[izzysillyhandsy]

Death and Change in OFMD

"What if it's not a death? What if life just begins again?"

For a show that's obsessed with change as a result of talking things through, sitting with yourself and healing through community, a lot of change is attempted by death - death of the old self, a stand-in for the old self or a symbolic death.

We see this shortcut to "a better (or more endurable) self" over and over, and depending on the additional work put in, it works - or it really doesn't.

Putting this post together, I was surprised by how often death is used in this show as a catalyst for letting go of the past, for splitting off parts of their own selves that certain characters have outgrown and/or want to escape from.

And how rarely actual people die in these transformative deaths.

Killing Blackbeard - 1 - Ed wants to retire

Although it is unclear if this was actually Ed's plan all along or if he just made it up for Izzy on the spot (S2E4 seems to point to the former, interestingly), here we have the first instance in the show of Ed trying to kill Blackbeard.

Ed wants to leave his old life behind (mainly out of boredom, it seems), and at this point he thinks that all he has to do is convince everyone else he's gone.

This is a very superficial first try - basically stabbing a Blackbeard puppet with all the outer signifiers (clothes, ship) but completely ignoring Ed's inner Blackbeard.

This could never have worked, of course, even if Stede wasn't such a charming guy. But the fuckery set events into motion that would, possibly towards the end of the show, lead to Ed leaving Blackbeard behind for good.

Corpses: 0 Success: not directly - Blackbeard is still very much present in Ed. But the foundations are shaken and Ed&Izzy (a.k.a. Blackbeard) will never go back to who they were before.

Killing vulnerability - 1 - Izzy wants Ed safe (and all to himself)

Izzy goes for a 2-step approach here - the duel and the British Navy (talk about escalating!). All of this is a very complicated and mixed bag of emotions - Izzy's love and jealousy, his fear of change and his extreme confusion about what's actually happening.

But I think the primary reason Izzy tries so hard to go through with killing Stede is fear of (Ed's) vulnerability and the danger that the "new Ed" might bring to both of them, and specifically their relationship. They've worked their way up for years and Izzy is more than aware of the dangers of piracy (and possibly the danger Ed is/was to himself).

Izzy gets it all wrong of course - the change in Ed has already happened and his attempts to kill Stede (and everything that happens after the Navy plot) make Ed the most vulnerable (and unstable) he's ever been.

Corpses: 0 Success: none - Izzy thought that killing Stede would undo what he "did to Ed's brain", but there was so much more at play here. Izzy's misguided attempts actually helped emotionally opening Ed up for Stede, and put Edward further out of Izzy's reach.

Killing the married state - 1 - Mary wants to be free

When Stede comes back and threatens the new and better life Mary has built for herself, she is very quick to turn to murder to keep on growing. Stede as a symbol of her old and unfulfilled life must go.

As soon as they actually talk about it though - and in an honest and open way (which is very unusual for Stede), another option presents itself.

Stede must die for the widow Bonnet to exist. But maybe it doesn't have to be a death?

Corpses: 0 Success: almost there - because they talked it through and discovered they actually wanted the same thing!

Killing the married state - 2 - Mary and Stede want to be free

Both Mary's and Stede's life changes for the better - they've both made peace with each other, recognized the needs of the other and acknowlegded how they were stifling each other's progress.

(the whole thing is made easier by the lack of (obsessive) love on both sides though)

Corpses: 1, but he doesn't mind Success: 100%, both are now free - long may they roam

Killing vulnerability - 2 - Ed wants to be the unfeeling Kraken

Ed is finally convinced that he is fundamentally unloveable by the combined efforts of Stede and Izzy. It's very unlucky for Lucius that he is the perfect stand-in for Ed's vulnerability. Overboard he goes.

Lucius death marks the turning point for Blackbeard - he is now 100% Kraken to everyone around him as the crew (and especially poor Izzy) quickly have to find out.

Alone, Ed is still vulnerable and in pain - but no one else can hurt him anymore. The way he treats Izzy in particular- I don't see a lot of hesitation and regret. Ed himself calls it "the nasty dark stuff" later.

So, for what Ed actually wanted, I'd say he was partly successful. He is firmly on the path to appearing to be an uncaring monster, and he is doing his best to stop everyone from loving/caring for him.

Corpses: 1 (for now) Success: 50% - Ed did change radically in his attitude to the outside world, and only his next death and resurrection-by-Stede snapped him out of it.

Killing Blackbeard - 2 - Ed wants to see the world (and himself) burn

This time, Ed is all in. Literally. He's not only attempting to kill Blackbeard, he feels there isn't anything else left which is worth saving.

As per usual, Ed is outsourcing the job to Izzy, this time clearly telling him what to do. Unfortunately, Izzy is the absolute worst choice - he is the one person who, in a way, loves all aspects of Ed and could never kill him.

As soon as Izzy's gone though, all bets are off. Ed's backup plan works out as planned (finally).

Corpses: 0,9 (an almost corpse) Success: it's a very good start. Ed dying and coming back was the first step to permanent change. He made some progress in the gravy basket - but he also realized that he still has a long way to go.

Killing Blackbeard - 3 - Izzy wants to sever the bond with Ed

Again, Izzy goes for a 2-step approach. First, he tries to kill himself after, for the first time, refusing to "clean up Ed's mess". Again, as always with Izzy, there is a lot at play here - his whole life just fell apart, and he's not thinking clearly - he just wants everything to be over.

But by killing himself, he kills the Izzy half of Blackbeard. And in the end, he doesn't even have to die - when his suicide attempt fails, he drags himself up on deck to save the crew and to break up with Ed. And this time, it's final.

Izzy shows Ed in an absolutely unmistakable way that they (and with them, Blackbeard) are over.

Corpses: 0,5 (a part of Izzy dies here) Success: 50% - Izzy's half of Blackbeard is dead. Izzy has finally acknowledged that this close, obsessive bond and all that it entails has to be cut. Until his own death, he will not be alright again though, and he still loves Ed and suffers for it. The severance isn't complete. But Blackbeard (as in Ed and Izzy) is finally over.

Killing vulnerability - 3 - Stede wants to be a real boy

When Stede kills Ned Low, his first intentional murder, he leaves the part of himself that he (and his father, the Badmintons, etc) perceived as weak behind. This sets him firmly on the way to become a "real pirate", his driving ambition since episode 1.

This season, we didn't have enough time for the full ramifications of this event. My feeling is that his first kill irrevocably changed Stede. He is a pirate now (although not a good one, yet). Is this really what he wanted? In what ways did it change him (apart from being more assertive with Ed and a show-off at Jackie's)?

Corpses: 1 (probably, not 100% sure; also, an evil walk-on character) Success: I truly cannot tell - I'm hoping for S3 to pick it up again. It should have been a "success" and a life-changing moment though.

Killing Blackbeard - 4 - Izzy wants to set Ed free

"I wanna go."

Even though Izzy doesn't get mortally wounded deliberately to set Ed free, he is very quick to accept his death and to use the opportunity to do what he thinks is necessary - free Ed from his oppressive past.

I think that Izzy's half of Blackbeard was already killed in the third attempt. He wasn't egging Ed on anymore - and he wouldn't have done it again in the future, ever. The only thing that remains is Izzy's love for Ed - and that is impossible to kill.

But Izzy lets himself die anyway, so Ed's part of Blackbeard can die with him. Maybe he thinks that Edward needs a clearer cut, a proper, unmistakable death (or sacrifice) to finally be able to let go. To free himself of this thing they've built together and that has taken over Ed's whole self at some points in their lives.

He attributes 100% of Blackbeard to himself here - maybe because he's seen change in Edward, but not enough. It is an incredibly selfless thing to do.

Corpses: 1 (a main character) Success: maybe, it all depends on Ed now - but also (objectively) overkill. Izzy's half of Blackbeard was well and truly dead since their breakup. Was Izzy's real death necessary for Ed to move on? Maybe. But maybe there could have been another way.

So, what worked and what didn't?

Killing the married state: perfect execution, perfect background work, actual talking and mutual understanding. Both got the change they wanted, and it didn't even have to be a real death.

Killing vulnerability: with Izzy and Ed, all attempted murders were committed out of desperation and without looking at the deeper issues. This resulted in making the situation way, way worse.

With Stede and Ned Low, it was a total mess - Stede wasn't prepared for that kind of life-changing event, and Ed and Stede had a breakdown in communication for most of the season. So I expect conflict arising out of this in the future - generally, killing vulnerability seems like a terrible idea in any case.

Killing Blackbeard: I've seen people argue that Izzy's death was necessary from a narrative standpoint because he represents Ed's dark side, and without Izzy dying Ed would never be able to let go of his Blackbeard/Kraken persona. I couldn't disagree more.

The first attempt was of course much too superficial. We've realized, episode by episode, how deep-seated Blackbeard is in Ed's mind. It (combined with the fuckery) set things in motion though.

Ed's and Izzy's death and rebirth were definitely transformative - they set both of them on the right path - so in this instance, both their deaths were necessary (and beautifully written). Again, neither of them really had to die for it. But without the two of them actually coming together and working things through, it wasn't a full success - both would (and did) continue to suffer.

Unfortunately, there wasn't time for a proper reconciliation and for working things through.

So the show and the writers themselves used "death for self-realization" right at the end of S2. And although Izzy's half of Blackbeard died with Izzy shooting Ed, they wanted to give Ed a dramatic and emotionally significant moment to, for once and for all, draw a line under Blackbeard and move on.

This makes Izzy the only character that actually dies as a result of a character needing change, out of the 9 events described here (Ned Low might still be alive, and even if he isn't - he wasn't personally significant to Stede or anyone else).

I've kind of made peace with it though - it fits Izzy's character that he'd use his death to give Ed the clear cut he thought Ed needed. And with Ed, who is a highly imaginative kind of person who loves his rituals and metaphors (the Kraken with the makeup and the goth room, the pink dressing gown, the piece of red silk, "I dreamt that you killed me" etc) this might actually have worked?

Still, I wish they had gone the way of Stede and Mary, talked it through and listened to Lucius: "What if it's not a death? What if life just begins again?"

(and maybe it will - Izzy definitely deserves his own Gravy Basket)

[mysteriouslybluepirate]

Initial reaction to episode 8:

Full spoilers. Don't read if you haven't watched. But don't be afraid to comment if you agree or disagree.

Izzy got 1 week (at most) of a life where he felt like he could be himself.

That's it.

This man lost so fucking much, clearly his family, his past crews, himself. So the show said, hey. Let's spend ALL season showing him he is loved, then tell the audience this is a good ending because hey, now Ed can be himself for no loose ends.

I know we might get zombie izzy. I know buttons is probably a deus ex machina(yes, I gasped SO FUCKING HARD when the seagul landed), but I am fucking livid.

I'm sorry this is negative right off the bat. I cried yeah, but it was at Izzy apologizing for not letting Ed grow. The 1 final sin he hadn't been punished for. He apologized and lost limbs for the British thing. That was IT. The only thing Izzy haters had against him. And here we are.

Now that izzy is dead, their old Unicorn, the NEW Revenge can go live on.

Ex-fucking'scuse me?

The worst part is I knew he'd get hurt with that speech.

Congrats, izzy, you got 'woman in the fridged'-ed. Your death now ends Ed's problems without him needing to solve them. Ed doesn't need to work on rebuilding relationships because there's nothing left. Stedes is not mad at Ed, so no hard conversations there, and the crew he hurt is gone now. Izzys gone. All wrapped up in a nice little bow.

I knew. But I thought I'd be wrong. That Ed would get help. That izzy would apologize, lay their dying, and suddenly be alright via bird or someone would do SOMETHING. But no. I got to see Izzy die. In a fucking comedy show.

A comedy show about love and family and community and self acceptance. That kills of its 1 character this season who had a self realization arc outside of a romance.

Season 3 will be about either 1.) Stede and Ed being hunted and needing to fake their deaths or 2.) The crew of the 'new revenge' going on adventures. Or 3.) Zombie izzy getting the fuck out of there and finding love.

Now:I am in denial.

Con came out, mainly because of this community and this role. If he knew his character was dying, I don't think he'd have gone to cons/tied himself in with this community to the extent he has. You know? Like... if my role i got a ton of praise for was about to be offed, id smile at conventions, but already emotionally start distancing myself from the community. UNLESS-We know Jenkins would tell him the fate of his character, so...idk.

More ranting but-

I feel like we got more time watching Ed be silly than mourning his friend of potentially decades. I hate the fish plot. We already knew he had adhd and that this was a whim. 'Ed going out, catching dinner, getting kicked back' could have just been 'Ed rows out while the ship's blow up'. They didn't need Ed and stede to fight in episode 7, stede could have just gotten into a fight trying to defend Ed at the bar, maybe eds too drunk idk. Episode 7 was written like that just to have a cliffhanger resolved in the next episode. It's just...

I loved every fucking izzy scene and both love/hate that we get a flash of the shot that kills him. It's real, yeah. Izzy dies here because he was still originally in that pirate drama he made up in his head. Izzy dies a normal death. Ed asked if he needed help so many times. But izzy didn't want it.

Izzy hands wanted to die this entire time. He wanted it. That's how I'm interpreting this bullshit. He still tied himself to blackbeard, and wanted to die with him.

Maybe that's romantic, but I think it's gross and a mishandling of his character. If izzy believed that i wish we got to see it as the audience, Especially how some forms of suicidality can be expressed by 'one last hurah'.. But they didn't. All that, and the show wants us to believe he's moving on up to episode 7, until now we know izzy was jealous this whole time??? So this izzy was just izzy waiting until Ed was accepted by the crew to die. Till Ed didn't need him to be his punching bag anymore. When Ed healed he saw no point in living. 🙃 that a character who was suicidal's good ending is offing themselves when they aren't 'needed'?

Maybe izzy will come back, totally himself, ready to try to live a happy life. But I have very little fucking faith.

Getting personal: but izzy was my fucking guy. I related to his struggle to be seen/heard/taken seriously. To be liked or seen as worthy of time and attention. A character who was trying his best for the people he cared about. Who had valid concerns and was talked down to. Who craved belonging. Enough that he's desperate for scraps of friendship. A person who was feared but never understood.

To give him 'love' by a community and then have him die TWO DAYS LATER-

I hate it. I genuinely hate it. Fucking hell. Especially how quickly everyone moved on. Izzy would have been wrecked or at least shaken up if his crew died yet. WE'RE MAKING JOKES RIGHT AFTER HES BEEN BURIED. ON TOP OF HIS FRESH GRAVE. I hate that izzy got buried on the land (in general. Bro should have been buried at sea) especiallg the labd ed and stede now get to peacefully live on. I hate that con was fucking smiling, the calmest most authentic he could and ATE that fucking scene.

The thing that gets me is izzy is the cliffhanger. But at the same time, Buttons' turning into a bird represented change and acceptance. Think, we had Buttons' turning scene, the song 'seaguls', then izzy standing on deck reading the note. There's a real chance this is implying that izzy is free now.

I don't hate the show. I don't, but i fucking hate THIS. Con did Such an amazing job. But I hate that I won't know. That izzy being alive will be confirmed in a year when con accidentally posts something revealing he's on set, or Jenkins on Twitter telling us he's dead, us not believing him, then we watch all of s3 and cons not there. That I could spend the next 2 years of my life writing about a character who won't get mentioned again.

THEY COULD HAVE CONFIRMED IT IN THE END CREDITS. SOMETHING. Ground shaking, some hint early in the season about rebirth and brining back the dead or have the sword fall. Idk. SOMETHING.

I'm just.... not doing great. I'm 'excited' to watch it again :/ but fucking hell. I don't know if I want to. I still have a fic to post that I started pre season 2, but after that I might need time. I just...Izzy wasn't me, duh, but he was, you know?

Izzy didn't deserve death for being harsh, or fucking up, or living. The fact his redemption happens after they sand down izzys rough edges feels gross. Like. "Here you go audience He's 'good' now, NOW feel sad about his death!"

And I'm sorry. But fuck that. I have so many mutuals who say they didn't like how quickly izzy became soft. This fucking hurts.

Because izzy has been a dead man walking for years. Ever since Ed and he grew into whatever this is. He could have been given a chance. He wasn't. All because our protagonists are Ed and Stede. WHO I ACTUALLY LIKED THIS EPISODE. But I can't think about that because I just see Ed finally treating Izzy like an EQUAL as he's fucking dying. I was always okay with the idea of Izzy dying. But not like this.

So yeah...sorry if this is rambling, had a shit day before I watched the ep and the ep didn't fucking help! But here's to all us izzy fans hoping for a better s3 for him (my guess now is izzy is actually dead, I have absolutely 0 faith he'll come back, as izzys death was framed as a positive thing for Ed. Yes the framing is there. Izzys body is safe under Ed and Stedes watch and not drowning. But still. 0 faith. If we dont get s3, then izzy is just dead and everyone moved on the SAME DAY)

Side note- I hate the only mention of Izzys given name 'Israel' was by Ricky. Fucking...okay. add that to the pile

[the-gentleman-pining]

Decided to rewatch OFMD S2 eps 1-3 and actually jot down my thoughts as I go! Oh what fun! Ngl this is mostly for me babes but if you enjoy it that's neat ❤️

Episode 1: Impossible Birds

Stede bearded in his dream could just be playing to swashbuckling archetypes for funsies, but is it some lingering wish that he was more masculine?

Con O'Neil truly graceful about it with the sword huh

"WHERE IS HE. WHERE'S ED?" Stede seeing Izzy as the thing that is keeping Ed from him when he's the one that left lol ok

His idealised version of Ed doesn't hold him accountable either. My mans doesn't want to face what he did at all!!

His first words to Ed in his letter are reassuring him that the crew are safe, as if he doesn't remember that Ed marooned them and left them for dead on purpose??

I know it's meant to be funny but Jackie was a bit of a sex pest toward Swede at first and the power dynamic was a bit 🫤 Glad he was into it in the end!

WHY DOES WEE JOHN SLAM THE HEAD OF THE ONE WHO GOT STABBED INTO THE TABLE INSTEAD OF THE ONE WHO STABBED THEM?? 😂

Stede truly is unphased by people being assholes to him and I just,,, respect it.

Ricky your vibes are strange and unsettling

Who in their right mind would have an ocean wedding in the golden age of piracy?? I know they probs didn't know it was the golden age of piracy while they were in it but STILL

Ed looks so dead behind the eyes 😭 Just going through the motions eh buddy?

Dressed up like the book Blackbeard I see. God he's trying so hard to inhabit this character.

I would die for Archie. Truly the himbo we need in these depressing angst riddled times.

Jim asking someone else how they're bottling things up?? Hello?? Who are you and what have you done with Jim?? Aren't you the bottling up Master? Olu bewitched you too good and now you've unlocked Feelings 😔

"He's actually a good guy" Stede babygirl did we actually forget the marooning???

I have so much I could say about how Izzy and Blackbeard's relationship has deteriorated hhhhh,,,, Izzy is a problem child but I'm so glad the story is crashing towards his character actually growing and changing. In season 1 he at least got the crumbs Ed would throw him like "I need you here", now he's only getting abuse and maybe he's throwing himself at it because he recognises he had a part to play in reaching this point and believes he deserves it.

Fang's delivery on "how you doing Izzy" will keep me warm and fed all winter. Masterclass in approaching someone, truly tender and genuine but not too pressuring. God.

That second "unhand me" hhh the panic of realising you're going to start crying if the situation continues

Con is gonna rip my heart out and eat it this season if I'm not careful

Labour exploitation Jackie what a girlboss x

Why does "you'll be having a lot of breakfastseses together" sound so ominous though 😭 Smeagol Jackie my worstie...

Stede doing Blackbeard Voice is adorable but damn he really doesn't believe that he made Ed's life better. Like how??? Why doesn't Stede equate happiness with better? Ed was explicitly happier around you ya dingus!

Swede deserves his married bliss so much. The crew can be so mean to him!!

"What am I to you" and "I have... love for you" are said so softly I'm gonna be sick,, Izzy you fucked it by wrestling this man into this particular coping mechanism and your tenderness is coming wayyyy too late. Heartbreaking tbh cause the guy didn't know how else to help Ed and now he's realising it could have been different. Sick and twisted little dynamic I'm eating it like good soup.

Definitely supposed to be taken that Izzy didn't realise "talk it through" was a Stedeism as he said it but godddd you idiot dude

Once again god bless you Archie I'd die for you

Fang I want to rescue you hhhhhh my hot topic fashionista must be so dehydrated from all these tears!!!

No way in hell Ed expected anything else out of Izzy's mouth than something about Stede, but god I wish the guy had just payed attention to Frenchie shaking his head. The catharsis of saying the quiet part out loud wasn't worth your leg, man.

"Start by cleaning up that mess"... yeah we def see Ed is killing people himself again but outsourcing the Big Job on Izzy makes sense. He's also exactly the kind of self sabotager atm that would know Frenchie won't do it, and he's looking for reasons to Be Worse.

Indigo heist my beloved. Fuck those hammies up!! I love how loud Black Pete was omg 😂

Oh fuck off Ricky I know you're a S1 Stede mirror but you're doing it detestably

Roach why is your instinct to immediately put the blue dirt on your face darling

Zheng Yi Sao completely unphased by Jackie is giving me so much delight

Sexy Dutchman 😭😂 Jackie never change

I love that Zheng Yi Sao is taking the whole crew on just to have her lil Olu moment, get it girl

TENDER JIM IM SO HAPPY FOR THEM THEY'VE COME SO FAR. I LOVE THEIR BIG SMILE 😭 (also Archie is so wholesome what is she DOING here???)

Ed oh my god you're not alright at ALL

Frenchie's quiet "sounds like a plan" is just so... painful. The acting this season is off the charts.

When Roach asked if they were in soup now I thought he was referring to the ocean as soup I'm an idiot 😭

[thegoldenhoof]

Exploring Death of the Mentor trope in Izzy's death scene

Izzy's death has been described as the death of a mentor by Jenkins and whether Izzy and Ed ever had a mentor mentee relationship aside, I wanted to explore the death of the mentor trope a bit and how it applies here.

(Heads up this is close to 2000 words)

(If someone knowledgeable at media studies help me out here. Actual references/essays for me to read would be great. For now I am hoping my google fu is enough.)

Where is the death of a mentor trope used?

In trying to understand how the death of a mentor works in OFMD the first obstacle I ran into was the fact that the mentor archetype and the death of the mentor as a trope belongs to what has been called the hero's journey and do not directly translate to romances, much less romantic comedies.

Mentor adjacent roles in romantic comedies are not strictly mentors in the traditional sense but avulcular characters, the older neighbour/friend who drop by to share their wisdom to to nudge our protagonists onto the right path of love. If this is the role Jenkins envisioned for Izzy in Episode 7 I must say it makes Izzy rather a failure at this mentorship gig.

2. What are the functions of the death of a mentor trope?

Off the top of my head, the ones I can think of are

Character growth from student to hero. 

2. Motivation of hero - Specifically when the hero is facing a dilemma regarding their actions, the death motivates them to make a decision.

3. Revaluation of the hero's ideals - The opposite of the above is of course that the death may itself push the protagonist to reconsider and debate his decisions/ideals taking him in a new direction.

4. Reconciliation- The hero (maybe hotheaded) has a fall out with the mentor over a difference of ideology or something returns to the fold and tries to live according to the mentor's ideals

5. Inheritance of responsibilities/knowledge/wisdom - Where the influence of the mentor extends beyond just the protagonist and his death passes on the burden of his responsibilities/knowledge forcing the hero to grow up.

6. Sacrifice to save the hero as a fulfilment of his role ensuring the hero lives to fight another day

7. The evil Mentor - The Mentor is responsible for actions for which no redemption is possible so his death is the only thing that can serve. This usually has the protagonist unambiguously morally superior and standing in ideological opposition to the hero. The mentor is either killed by the hero or has a last-minute change of heart and dies protecting the hero.

8. End of an era / Passing of the old guard- The protagonist heralds the coming generation whose ideals stand in opposition to the mentor. Unlike the evil mentor, their ideological opposition does not place them on opposite moral sides but still creates enough conflict that they are unable to see them as coexisting with each other, and the death of the mentor's ideals is framed as progress. As stated for this universalization of this interpersonal difference in ideology both the mentor and protagonist have the power to influence the larger social structure of their community.

In applying these roles to Izzy and Ed, I think 1,3,4,5,6 can be thrown out of consideration automatically. Ed and Izzy don't fit into any of these tropes.

2. Motivation of a hero in dilemma - I would have liked this actually. If Izzy's death had in any way influenced or finalized Ed and Stede's retirement plans, put them on the same page, and consolidated Ed's wavering character development I would have considered the plot well served by Izzy's death. It also has the advantage that this is the form of the trope that is best adapted to a romantic comedy where the mentor’s death makes the protagonist to understand the value of life and the regret of lost chances and pushes the protagonist to pursue their love. 

  As it stands however we have no indication that this is in any way true in the show. And sadly so because I feel it would have worked so much better with Izzy’s role as Stede’s mentor. 

6. Villain Mentor- As much as I thing this would be rather loved among some fans, this stands in opposition to the entire arc of the season. But more than that, death of the evil mentor works for me only when the harm caused by the mentor is 1) to a society at large and 2) of a greater magnitude than the protagonist. Ed does not stand as a moral better than Izzy. If anything they are emotionally contradictory and not ideologically. Even then, perhaps this trope maybe could have been stretched to apply in Episode 1 but not anytime later. But honorary mention for that.

7. End of an era/Passing of the old guard- 

As I understand this to be the most commonly accepted trope in play in OMFD, supported by Jenkin’s comments, I wanted to break down the application and expectations from this trope.

The episode attempts to elevate Izzy to this symbolic role by having Ricky describe Izzy as the “Brains behind Blackbeard,” a notion utterly laughable for anyone who remembers season 1. The fact that Izzy does not in fact laugh Ricky out of the room is the first point of dissonance in the episode. The second reinforcement of this elevation is by placing Izzy as the half of Blackbeard that is still active as opposed to Ed’s half of dormant Blackbeard. 

In this trope, the mentor’s death can be either a catalyst or a signifier of a larger social change. In OMFD this larger change, we are told is meant to be the passing of the old age of piracy- the culture of abuse. But it is also the passing of the golden age of piracy and the looming threat of the empire. For Izzy’s death to be a signifier of this, Izzy needs to be more than Firstmate Hand and become the the symbolic representative of piracy of both the culture of abuse and this glorified golden age. and already the cracks are showing.

There is a major problem with the use of this. Jenkins mentions death of the mentor at the end of th second act as the trope he was mimicking. But this version of the trope is better applied in the third act, often after the resolution of the crisis for emotional closure and a short hand for the future fate of the characters. That is the only place it can exist.

To exists at the end of the Second Act, the death of the mentor has to impact the character and thus the direction of the story in a significant way and a romanticized farewell to a passing age does not do that.

HOW DOES THE TROPE FIT IZZY?

I am stepping away from the larger role of Izzy as the representative of the old guard (in both its roles) as a part of Blackbeard to explore the implications of Izzy being part of Blackbeard, 

Izzy as half of Blackbeard always made sense for me in that I saw Izzy as the brute execution of Blackbeard’s plans. However, by canonizing this relationship, the narrative runs into the problem that it casts Izzy’s actions in season 1 in a much more sympathetic light. He is suddenly not the angry jealous second in command trying to separate the lovebirds but a man desperately trying to hold on to his life’s work because that is all he has. The narrative then tries to counter this by *telling* us that Izzy regrets “feeding Blackbeard’s darkness for years even after he knew Ed outgrew it.” At this point, not jumping to either extreme (of Izzy love and hate)  we can draw couple of conclusions. 

The darkness was not something Izzy introduced to Ed. 

Izzy fed the darkness and encouraged it because that was the only way he could have something that was them.  “Blackbeard was us”. Even in this apology, there is something heartbreakingly lonely about this confession. (Con O’Neill is magic and deserves all the awards on the planet). 

He regrets it now.  

We leave the scene with Izzy permitting Ed to be “Just Ed.” 

Here Izzy’s role as the supposed mentor reaches its conclusion, resolving the ideological  (or emotional in this case ) conflict with the protagonist by surrendering to his better ways. Except when we pull back to look at the entire season we realize that this ideological conflict is a few episodes out of date. We know that by Episode 7 they have reached a resolution if not catharsis and as many others have pointed out, they had reached a place where that catharsis was possible without the dramatic catalyst of death. Again, death as the only place this conversation could happen would have worked for E3 Izzy at best but not any time after. One death and rebirth each later they are not the same people anymore.

Secondly, this dramatic catharsis has no impact on our protagonist Ed. As I mentioned before this is not the trope of the mentor’s death pushing the protagonist to pursue his love. He is already on route to getting the love and life that he wants and Izzy’s death, his “permission” even the supposed catharsis has no discernable impact on it. (If there is any, we are yet to see the signs of it.) 

On the other hand, here Izzy, in his other role as the old guard has passed, allowing for the emergency of the new age of piracy. Except, stepping back again, to the larger reality, we know that it is not true. There is no new age of piracy to herald. There is no better pirate society emerging yet. Izzy’s Ideal of Piracy, which he so passionately advocated for, which was the beginning of elevating his character simply does not exist beyond the Revenge. For the simple reason that if it already did, there would be no reason for a new type of piracy in the first place.

We are again running into the old problem that Izzy is playing two roles, contradicting each other in two different scenes where one scene is meant to add to the allegorical understanding of the other. Is he the passionate defender of the new piracy or the stubborn remnant of the old? In trying to give Izzy both the glorifying speech of the martyr and make him the representative of the toxic old guard, in attempting to elevate him from an individual to a figurehead, Izzy’s role becomes too large to be contained by one character and starts to crumble.

On a larger scale I idea of an old piracy vs a new piracy simply doesn't work because the Revenge is just one ship. In spite of Stede’s newfound fame, he does not hold the kind of influence to change the shape of piracy, and Blackbeard, according to the story is dead and simply unable to effect any change. Without taking up the mantle of Blackbeard Ed has even lesser influence than Stede. Stede’s brand of softer piracy is uniquely ill-suited to survive the ruthlessness of the Empire looming large on the horizon. One can hope that these are issues that will be addressed in the third season if we ever have one. But at this point the allegory is incomplete and the catharsis we are meant to feel is dependent on a future we may never see. 

 And once consider the whole season, Izzy as the representation of Blackbeard itself starts to loose strength. Everything Izzy has grown to become, all the ways he has been embraced by and has embraced the ethos of the show and the spirit of the Revenge, simply outweighs his half of Blackbeard in the past. To refuse to acknowledge this change is to say that he never had a hope of being a better person because no matter who he became, the weight of who he was will always tilt the balance against him. The grace extended to Ed by Stede’s love, to discover who he could be, is denied to Izzy in the last moments. Ed can shed Blackbeard with Izzy's blessings but no one lets Izzy do the same.

OFMD’s strength has always been its personal narratives, of growth, of healing, of kindness. In trying to expand the scale of the show in the last episode of the season it has chosen to sacrifice one of the most dramatic triumphs of its ethos to ask us to slide back to view Izzy only by his past in order to turn him into the allegorical stand in- a strawman of a the toxic culture he had left far behind by this point. 

[nicnacsnonsense]

📚

For this one I'm just going to copy and paste from Discord from last night, because there is a lot of good stuff and I don't want to type it all out again. Everything quoted below is directly from me, but shout out to both @poetic----nonsense and @adickaboutspoons for contributing a lot more to the overall discussion on this not included here.

Thinking about the general idea of a slow burn Jack bullying scenario and I’m thinking what about this happening in an AU where Izzy doesn’t make a deal with Chauncey, so he’s just at the Republic bitching. Jack, recently mutinied against, hears it and decides this is a great opportunity for him to get himself a new ship. His plan is to leverage his friendship with Blackbeard to get on the ship and people liking him, then slowly drive a wedge between Stede & Ed and work to bully and isolate Stede until Stede either leaves of his own accord or Jack can get the crew to mutiny and make him captain instead. So Stede responds to Jack’s bullying by removing himself from the situation, as we see. But Ed, spurred on by Jack, reads this as Stede wanting to pull away from and reject Ed, which in turn leads Ed to leaning more on Jack for support, which leads Stede to feeling unwanted and further self-isolating in a vicious cycle.

(Extra shout out to adickaboutspoons for asking the key question here about whether Jack would be trying to do this as fast as possible before his brand of jackassery wore thin or if he would be doing it slow roll)

The real slow roll option though… like that could be really insidious if Jack maybe came aboard and was all like oh yeah, I’ve mellowed out some too. And he was presenting himself as the carefree have fun guy without going full on frat bro to the point where maybe there are moments where Stede is doubting himself, like is he really as bad as I think or am I the problem. That could be really interesting, though you would have to be careful that Jack still felt like Jack."

Oh, you know what I’d love from a slow roll Jack scenario? Okay so Jack is doing his whole thing, being passive aggressive and slowly isolating Stede from everyone. And of course he’s concentrating on building a wedge between Ed & Stede, and he also identifies Lucius early on as someone who is both closer to Stede and generally more socially intelligent so Jack focuses in really hard on him too. Olu maybe would have picked up on Jack’s ill intentions, but he’s too in his own feelings about Jim being gone at the moment. So Stede is growing increasingly isolated and while sometimes he is very confident in his assessment of Jack as a bully and an asshole and all around not nice person, at other times he really doubts himself. Like, maybe I’m the problem, maybe it really is me who is always the problem, maybe there’s something fundamentally wrong with me so I don’t fit in anywhere. And then Frenchie, who can come off as a superstitious idiot, who can get just as stupid and rowdy as the rest of them, who Jack wasn’t particularly worried about, who knows exactly what these kinds of people are like and once scammed an entire boat-full of them on the fly, Frenchie comes into Stede’s quarters like “Captain, I uh, I have some concerns.” Frenchie-Stede team up! Well, first we have the conversation where Stede gets to be just overwhelmingly relieved to have all his feelings about Jack be validated by someone else. He probably cries a little tbh. But then team up, they are going to concoct a devious scheme to expose Jack for the terrible person he truly is in front of everyone.

Stede tells everyone he’s planning a surprise party for Jack because he just feels so bad about how rude he’s been, and he’s even been working with Frenchie to come up with some new songs for it! So right before when the “party” is supposed to happen, Stede makes a big show about asking Jack for a private word in his quarters implying he wants to apologize and bury the hatchet. And of course all the crew think this is prelude to the party, so they encourage Jack to go and Jack is left with no other option. As soon as they leave, Frenchie leads everyone down to the jam room or wherever they’ve supposedly set up for the party. And then he tells everyone to be quiet, get ready for the surprise, and he pops open a panel in the wall. And echoing down the secret passageway, we can hear the sounds of Jack admitting to everything. (And of course in the wake of the confession, right after Jack throws the most slur-laden insult he can come up with at Stede, the entire crew burst out of the other end of the secret passage with Ed at the lead, fire in his eyes and demanding to know what the fuck is going on here, Jack.)

[petrifiedcrange]

@indestructiblelittlefckr asked: “Stop fussin' over me, twat! I’m not a fuckin' baby!” (from Izzy to Stede, when he gets slightly better)

Stede wasn't fussing.

Yes, he helped Izzy lift his head so he could drink water and a bit of laudanum when the pain was becoming too much without accidentally choking. He fluffed the pillows and helped Izzy settle in more comfortably, not quite sitting up yet but a bit more elevated, when he got tired of lying down. He must have smoothed the blanket out a dozen times a day, especially after he changed his bandages.

Yes, he did a lot of things that, in hindsight, could look like fussing to the outsider.

But Roach said that Izzy, while he was slowly getting better and there was about a 90% chance that he was going to survive the wound without serious complications, was very fragile still and should be kept as comfortable as possible as well as not allowed to overexert himself.

And Stede remembered all too well watching him bleed out on the deck, the life literally leaving his frame, and there was even a moment when they all thought that he was gone if it wasn't for the barest flicker of heartbeat remaining.

He remembered all too well those first few hours, sitting with Edward while Roach, Jim, Archie, Zheng, her Auntie and surprisingly Spanish Jackie combined their efforts to fight for Izzy's life.

He remembered all too well that first night when the whole crew gathered inside the captain's quarters, all gazes trained on the too shallow movement of Izzy's chest, afraid to fall asleep lest he stop breathing in the middle of the night when they aren't watching.

He remembered all too well the first few days when Izzy was hovering on the edge and him and Edward were practically glued to his side, different crew members constantly popping in under false pretenses and then dropping all pretenses altogether to check on him.

He remembered all too well just how badly Edward and... everyone, really, at least on their crew, were handling Izzy's injury and uncertainty of his survival.

He remembered it all – he doubted he could ever forget it, even when he grows very old and maybe forgets everything else, he'll always remember Edward, Izzy and those few days Izzy hovered between life and death and how hard they hit their little community – and he didn't want Izzy to have a sudden turn for the worse just because he wasn't careful enough so yes, maybe, he was fussing. But it came from a place of deep care and worry.

Stede didn't say any of this though, didn't even try to defend his actions when Izzy snapped at him, his voice still sounding terrible but the intonation, even the swearwords so familiar...

For a moment, Stede just froze, his hands still hovering inches from the blanket from where he unconsciously smoothed it out for the umpteenth time, his eyes wide and expression unreadable.

Then, his lips quivered, his eyes glistened and long overdue sobs rose from his throat, coming on even faster and harder after he clamped his hand over his mouth in vain attempts to stop them,

because this grumpiness, the swearing, everything was much more on brand for the Izzy he knew and grew to be quite fond of... and for days he thought he would never get to hear and see him like that again.

[gaps-between-stories]

Fic Preview

A sneak peek of my series Sweet Nothings, a verse filled with so so many babies!

It wasn’t unusual for Ed to wake up before Stede. That was pretty much a given at this stage of their relationship – after a near lifetime of Ed rising with the sun, and just as long of Stede hiding under the covers until the absolute last possible moment, there wasn't much that was going to change that now. 

They’d pretty much distilled their morning routine down to a science, Ed making sure the house (and everyone in it) were awake and out the door on time, coffees in hands and breakfasts in bellies, while Stede took closing shift, ensuring that everyone went off to sleep snug as a bug in a rug. It worked for them, and their system ran on an efficiency he wished he could instill at the marina. 

It was, however, unusual for Ed to wake up before Charlotte. The kid’s circadian rhythm seemed determined to mirror Ed’s, which neither of them were necessarily complaining about, given her proclivity to (mostly) sleeping through the nights now, something they absolutely bragged about in their parenting groups. Was it a little gauche? Probably. But it wasn’t their fault that their kid just happened to be better than all of the other babies. Maybe the other babies should try not being worse than theirs. 

On most mornings, she would start stirring before Ed, starting to get fussy just as he himself was rising. On most mornings, he would find her not so patiently waiting for him to free her from the confines of her crib, a truly inhumane corral, he was sure she’d tell anyone who'd listen, if she could. On most mornings, he would scoop up his deliciously chunky baby and hold her close for as long as he could until she eventually demanded the newly free use of her legs, after which point she was off, more often than not to destroy the living room. 

On this morning, though, Ed slowly stirred to waking in relative silence, hearing only Stede’s soft snoring underneath him. The quiet was almost disorienting – he hadn't had a quiet morning in almost a year. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Ed rolled over to check the baby monitor, seeing Charlotte still curled around her stuffy, fast asleep in her crib. 

There was the briefest of moments – really fucking brief, he wasn’t an actual idiot – where Ed actually debated waking her up, before he immediately decided that if he and Stede wanted any semblance of peace today, that was absolutely not the move. If Stede had a reputation for his attitudes at not getting his way, Charlotte was an actual menace to society if wronged.  

They’d been told she’d grow out of it. Well, probably grow out of it (Stede clearly hadn't). Until then, it was Charlotte’s world and everyone else was just living in it. 

Rolling back over, Ed nestled back into his place against Stede’s chest for another while, lingering in the steady rise and fall of his husband’s breathing under his head. From his sleep, as if on instinct, Stede’s hands shifted back around Ed’s back, holding him in-place as he let out a soft sigh.

They didn't often get these quiet morning moments together, what with their respective sleep schedules and the newly collective (delightful) chaos of rounding up one to three children on any given day. Not that Ed was complaining – he fucking loved his kids – but he did miss these small moments with Stede, the times when the noise from rest of the world didn't matter because the two of them were the only thing in each others orbit. 

Ed knew what he was signing up for when he chose Stede (although he would certainly argue that there was very little real choice in the matter when it came down to it, less of a choice and more of a running head first into a brick wall sort of situation), knew that he was a package deal – the best clearance sale Ed had ever seen, really, if it gave him two extra of his favorite people for the price of the love of his life – and he certainly understood what he'd signed for when he and Stede decided to have Charlotte. He just might have just only skimmed the fine print, alright?

He lingered in Stede's warm embrace another moment, drinking in Stede's sleeping figure. He'd been sleeping better now that Charlotte was sleeping through the night again – they'd thought they'd finally been in the clear a few month ago, but just about as soon as she started sleeping alone a tooth decided to cut in, and thus ensured another several sleepless months as they did their best to comfort her through the discomfort. It worries Stede to absolutely no end when she, or any of them, really, were in such distress, especially knowing there was only so much he could do to make it better. They'd done their best to rotate shifts to help sit up with her, but even when Stede wasn't 'on duty,' so to speak, he still hadn't really been able to bring himself to rest. 

But after several agonizing months of the tears and sore gums and frozen teethers,  it'd seemed that they'd finally, finally turned a corner. Stede still woke regularly through the night to check on her, seemingly on instinct alone, but those checks had been becoming fewer and further in between lately, and the past couple of weeks had given them almost entirely uninterrupted nights of sleep. 

He let him stay in Stede’s embrace for another few moments, before finally deciding that if he was going to stay awake any longer he needed coffee soon. Disentangling himself from his husband, who let out a small whine in his sleep at the loss of contact, Ed quietly shuffled out of the bedroom. 

Stretching as he yawned, he slowly opened the door to Charlotte’s room, careful to not make any noise as he did. He wasn’t going to wake her, he really wasn’t, but he just needed to check on her, he reasoned with himself. Just to check, just to be sure. The soft orange glow of the octopus nightlight in the corner of her room illuminated his path across the plush carpet, through which he shuffled over to her crib. Peering over the top, his heart squeezed at the sight of his daughter.

[piratecaptainscaptainpirates]

hello! here’s a ficlet prompt for you if you’re still taking them: I’d love to read something about ed and stede getting older together over the years and maybe having a little discussion about it 🥰

"Stede, love," Ed said, as gently as he could as he sat Stede's evening cup of hot chocolate on the side table next to him, "you've been really quiet all day."

Stede just hummed, looking down at the wonky pair of socks he was knitting, and Ed took a sip of his own cocoa, swinging his legs up onto the couch next to Stede, and contented himself to listen to the irritable clack of Stede's knitting needles for a while.

Getting things out of Stede could still be like pulling teeth, sometimes, and Ed knew he just had to wait it out and see if Stede wanted to talk. Just the same now as it used to be, even now that they'd gotten past the days where they could joke that Stede's hair was cinnamon-sugar to match Ed's salt-and-pepper, now that Stede was mostly sugar and Ed was mostly salt. Now that Stede had to wear those fussy little glasses almost all the time, and Ed couldn't stand to walk around without warm knitted socks on his feet, and -

"We had to stop and rest three times on the way to the market today," Stede said, then.

"Oh," Ed blinked. "Yeah, uh. We did."

And it had been nice. They'd sat and watched the ships flow in to the port for a while.

"It used to be," Stede said, "that we didn't have to stop and rest even once."

Ed blinked again. He supposed that was true -

"We're getting old, Ed," Stede said, and his voice broke.

"Aww, sweetheart," he said, gently taking Stede's knitting from his hands, rearranging them so Ed could toss his legs up into Stede's lap, and they could hold each other close. "We are, yeah. And is that a bad thing?"

Just meant things had to be different, was all. Ed needed to dress warmer and be even more careful of his knee. Stede was getting stiff hands. They needed more breaks, and liked their food a bit less adventurous, and Ed's hearing wasn't what it used to be. All that meant was more time to sit with each other, and help each other, and just be with each other as the hustle of life started to feel like it was getting slower every day.

Stede grumbled, sending the curl of hair over his forehead waving with a bitchy huff of an exhale. "It's not fair."

"Not fair."

"Not fair," Stede repeated. "It's not fair at all. We're getting old, Ed, and you don't know how much longer we've got left, and - it would only have been fair for time to slow down a bit, once we found each other."

"Not really sure that's -"

"I know that's not how it works, Ed," Stede snapped. "It's just not right, that I had to spend most of my life without you. It's not right I had to spend most of my life not getting to be myself. It's not fair, that I had to spend most of my life being miserable."

Ed sighed. Damn. That was...yeah. That did sting, when he put it like that. And there wasn't really anything Ed could do to change that - if they both lived to be a hundred, maybe?

But what were the odds of that?

"I'd do it all over again," he said, instead of trying to lean on empty promises. "All of it. Happily. Because I get to grow older with you."

Stede let his head flop dramatically back against the couch. That certainly hadn't changed over the years. "I mean. Yes. Me, too, obviously."

"Oh, obviously."

"Yes, obviously." Stede shushed Ed with a gentle flick to the tip of his nose, and they both smiled. "I suppose we at least got it right in the end, didn't we?"

Ed snuggled closer, resting his head on Stede's shoulder. "Yeah. We sure did."

"I just wish -"

"I know, babe. Me, too." Ed found one of Stede's hands, twining their fingers together. "I wish I'd have found you sooner, sure. But that doesn't take away from getting to have you now. Doesn't make the happiness go away."

"I've loved you since you were born, Ed," Stede said, his voice cracking with it.

Ed laughed, adoring, leaning up to kiss him. "Look at us. Couple of sappy old bastards."

Stede's smile was a proper smile, finally, as he wrapped his arms around Ed's chest to hold him just a bit closer. "Wouldn't have it any other way."

[demonsonthemoon]

The Waiting Kind

Fandom: Our Flag Means Death Pairing: Edward Teach/Israel Hands, Edward Teach/Stede Bonnet Word Count: 12166 Rating: Mature Summary: Ed and Izzy were in love once, but now they're just in the habit of pretending. Izzy keeps leaving, but the fact that he always comes back doesn't seem like enough anymore. So maybe it's time Ed go looking for something else. Content warnings: Toxic relationship, infidelity, depression, alcohol abuse, unreliable narrator, sexual content

Read it on AO3.

It wasn't the first time he'd heard the door slam. Or the second. It probably wouldn't be the last, if Ed didn't do anything about it.

Did he want to do something about it?

He was tired. He was so tired all the time. It was a constant ache that hung about him, weighing him down like his skeleton was made of metal.

This was part of the issue, he knew. Part of the reason behind the slamming doors.

Izzy had never been able to understand it, that weight. The way it was like a dark cloud, constantly growing, a brewing storm behind each of his breaths that constantly threatened to get out and choke him.

Or maybe Ed had never been able to explain it properly. He couldn't remember if he'd ever tried, now that he thought about it.

There were a lot of things he couldn't remember.

The infuriating thing about the door slamming was that it was entirely unnecessary. When Izzy tried to leave, Ed didn't stop him. Izzy was his own person, he could make his own choices. Ed wasn't holding him hostage.

And still, Izzy always came home. He was usually loud on his way out, always silent on his way back in. Once again laying claim to Ed's life, like it was owed to him. Like it wasn't a question.

More and more often, Ed wondered if it should be.

So many times though, it wasn't a question for him either. Izzy's presence at his side was a given. It was the closest they both had to belonging.

Ed had grown so accustomed to the man, he relied on him in unconscious ways like he was an extra limb. This wasn't something he would ever admit to Izzy. Certainly not during one of their shouting matches that always, always ended with a door slamming.

But in the quiet of this empty apartment, Ed could contemplate the truth of it. He could contemplate the empty toilet roll and the fact that he didn't know which brand of toilet paper was the one he liked. He could contemplate the empty fridge and the fact that he couldn't remember the last time he had done groceries.

Ed put his head down on his arm and sighed.

The infurating thing about the door slamming was that Ed was always surprised by the noise. He hated that noise.

“Where the fuck are you?” had been Izzy's last accusation. He'd shouted it right in Ed's face, one hand fisted in his shirt.

“What the fuck do you mean?” had been Ed's response because, seriously. They'd been breathing nearly the same air. They'd been standing in their apartment, where Ed always was. Izzy was the one who always left, going god knows where. Why wasn't he being interrogated?

“I keep looking everywhere for the man I love, the man I'd follow to the end of the world, but he's not there. It's like you're not even trying anymore. Like you don't even care. Where did you go, Ed? How can I bring you back?”

The storm had come loose at that. No longer just a dark cloud, silent and threatening, but a full-out thundering riot. Why did Ed need to be the man Izzy loved? Why was that all he was allowed to be? He was his own person. He wasn't Izzy's. He existed beyond the other man's desire, beyond the devotion that Ed had been so enamored by once upon a time. It had felt nice to be wanted by Izzy. To be cared for, never alone, because he could always rely on his shadow.

But he was ever-conscious now of the fact that Izzy didn't see him as enough anymore. He wasn't worth his worship, had been renounced as a god. Sure, Izzy always came back, tail between his legs. But his service to Ed was only habit now, not any kind of belief.

Edward could hardly fault him.

He'd believed once, too. He'd believed in the version of himself he could see shining in Izzy's eyes. A man stronger than anything. Someone who could solve whatever problem he put his mind to, a man who could have whatever he wanted. It had been intoxicating, to be handed that sort of power through Izzy's gaze. Izzy had been intoxicating in the way he gave himself over to it, to Ed.

Ed was only a man though, not a god. And Izzy was no more god than he was, he had no way of giving Edward any true power. How scheming of him, to have made Ed think he could, to have turned him so reliant on the rush that came from his submission, from the holy fire of his desire.

He had thought, for a while, that he could survive on this alone. The hymns and the prayers that Izzy wrote in Ed's honor, given in the shape of this easy domestic life they shared.

But Ed felt trapped on his pedestal. He felt trapped and he felt bored and he felt so, so tired of living in this cage that Izzy called all that they'd built together.

He needed to escape.

Ed slipped up. He always did. He messed up, and then Izzy took advantage, made himself indispensable.

Izzy came back, of course, at the worst moment. Ed was already on the ground, his head in the toilet bowl, already puking his guts out. The nearly empty bottle of rum was on the floor next to him, damning evidence. He couldn't even try to pretend that this was only food poisoning.

It was the perfect opportunity for Izzy to swoop in and save the day, as he was so prompt to do. He didn't say anything. Didn't complain, didn't shout. He just sighed. Like the world was weighing so heavily on him too. Like this wasn't exactly what he'd been hoping for, a way to redeem himself, to turn Ed into the bad guy again, the irresponsible one.

Izzy sighed, dropping his jacket on the kitchen table, and then he joined Ed on the floor of the bathroom, and he carefully pulled his hair back from his face.

Ed continued retching, and Izzy started rubbing soothing circles on his back.

He didn't want to lean back into the touch. He didn't want to accept the comfort or the help. He was fine. He would have been fine, if only he'd been left to continue his business alone.

The bottle had belonged to Izzy.

He'd gotten it as a gift from Ivan, one of the friends they had in common. Ed was far from a connoisseur, when it came to alcohol. He drank what other people drank. But Izzy had taste. He rarely indulged himself, too proud of his ascetic tendencies, of the control he always reminded Ed he lacked. But Izzy knew what he liked, knew how to enjoy a bottle of expensive alcohol properly, and so he had gotten some as a gift, and he had saved most of it, the bottle still more than half full a year later.

It had been petty of Ed, picking it for his little bender. But he hadn't thought ahead enough to buy anything new, and the only other liquor they had was vodka, which he hated drinking on his own. And, well, Izzy hadn't been there.

Except he was here now. Backing off and letting Ed catch his breath after a last bout of dry-heaving. Not saying anything as he assessed what was left in the bottle, as he put it back in the cupboard it had come from.

“Up you get” was the first thing that he said after finding Ed. After coming home. He helped him to his feet, propped him up as Ed tried to find his balance, head spinning. The bathroom light made his eyes water, or maybe that was just the shame.

Because the truth was... it felt good. Izzy's hand on his back, the way he knew he couldn't fall, because Izzy was there to catch him. It felt good, and Edward was disgusted with himself. If he hadn't emptied his entire stomach, he might just puke again. It could very well still happen. The night was young after all.

Izzy helped him to the bedroom. He helped Ed peel himself out of his clothes and into soft pyjamas. Ed kind of hated that he thought of the pyjamas. He didn't wear them often, was usually too lazy to contemplate the additional laundry they represented. Most days, Ed just collapsed into bed in his boxers. Who cared about what he wore when he was asleep. Not him. He spent all of that time unconscious anyway.

But the pyjamas were comfortable. So very soft on his skin, softer by far than the cheap bedsheets he and Izzy shared. With the world spinning around him, with his blood pounding in his ears as loud as a thousand drums, it was reassuring to be able to hold onto such a kind physical sensation.

Izzy let his hands rest over Ed's shoulder after pulling up the blanket. Ed hated it, that kindness. He knew he didn't deserve it. He wanted it, yes, he was selfish like that. These were things he could admit. But he didn't deserve it.

He also didn't deserve the way it would be used against him later.

Ed always slept on his side. That meant he could watch Izzy watch him, standing beside the bed. He hated that too. Hated the genuine sadness he could see inside Izzy's eyes. As if he'd lost something.

But Izzy had been the one to leave.

He didn't get to play the victim just because he'd come back.

Izzy was already up when Ed awoke the next day. He usually was, except for the nights when Ed didn't go to sleep at all.

He'd made breakfast. Ed thought he would throw up again when the smell of mushrooms hit his nostrils. Still, he forced himself to swallow, forced himself to smile. It wouldn't do to act ungrateful now. He was already on thin ice, would be for a few days. Trying to act like he should, be the person Izzy wanted or needed him to be. He would do his best, until he inevitably messed up again. Either because he couldn't understand the intricacies of what Izzy required of him, or because he couldn't hold his ground under the pressure. The result would be the same. Izzy would get mad. Ed would get mad in turn. They'd shout at each other, probably, and then Izzy would slam the door on his way out.

Ed was so bored. There was nothing interesting about this endless dance anymore. At first, the rhythm of the fights had somehow broken through the monotony of their existence, had somewhat worked to expand the smallness of their world. Now, the fights themselves had become the monotony. Ed couldn't understand why Izzy still insisted on them.

Still. He knew what his role was. In this play that they kept rehearsing endlessly, Ed knew all of his lines. And so, for now, he acted nice. He acted cowed. He accepted the omelette that Izzy handed him silently and he said thank you, even though the thought of food turned his stomach.

He picked at his plate, carefully. He waited. Izzy was always silent, at first. He probably thought he was letting Ed stew in his guilt, maybe he imagined that that would make him more vulnerable to whatever criticism Izzy would hurl his way this time.

He probably didn't know that Edward revelled in these few minutes of quiet before the storm. That they were the space Ed needed to find his self, find his core and put it under wraps, hide it deep beneath his skin so that it wouldn't be hurt by all of Izzy's knives.

Ed might have felt like roadkill last night, and Izzy might treat him like he was no better, but Edward knew the truth. He wasn't going to make a sepulchre of his heart.

“You need to stop doing that, you know? I can't watch you keep on destroying yourself like this all the time.”

There was a monster within Ed's mouth that threatened to slip out at these words. How dare he? How fucking dare he?

Like Ed was doing it on purpose. Like he let himself become this empty, become this scared, because it was fun or some shit. It wasn't fun for him. He hated the way he was. The way he was when Izzy left, but also the way he was when he was here. He hated that he couldn't blame it all on Izzy, despite everything, but the other man had no qualm about blaming it all on him.

This was the only time when Izzy accepted to grant Ed some form of agency. When he could pretend that Ed's only goal in life was to ruin Izzy's life.

It was like the damage Ed was doing to himself was only collateral.

Ed swallowed. He swallowed the omelette, swallowed the mushroom, and swallowed all of his rage and the words he wanted to turn it into.

In that moment, Ed didn't feel destroyed. He didn't feel like a shipwreck trapped inside of a glass bottle, with not enough space around him to ever put himself back together even if he finally found the energy to try it. Gripped by anger and hurt and the way he was too tired to entirely remember what the limits of his capabilities were, he felt not broken down but broken open. Like a door had opened within him, one that would allow something new, something bigger to come out.

Izzy was so quick to make Edward out like he was a monster. Well, Edward would show him what a real monster could do. He felt capable of it. In that moment, tired and hungover, he felt like he might even enjoy it.

“I know,” Ed replied around the storm in his throat. He left it at that. Anything else would have been an admission of something. Would have been used as evidence in the court of justice that their relationship had turned into.

The truth was that, behind all of his anger, Ed really wanted to cry. He wanted to cry, because the mushrooms in this omelette were cooked perfectly, with just enough garlic and the chives that Ed prefered as seasoning.

“You need to get sober,” Izzy said. There wasn't any hate in his tone, wasn't any violence. He sounded like he was tired, about as tired as Ed. That couldn't be true though, because Ed felt the fatigue so deep in his bones he thought he was made of it.

“You need to decide whether to leave or stay,” Ed replied. He gritted his teeth afterwards, but he didn't take the words back. He meant them, even if they'd slipped out without his control. Izzy faced him in silence, with a hint of surprise. How quickly he'd gotten used to Ed's complacency, to him being too tired to react to his attacks. He might have pretended to hate Edward's quiet agreement, but he'd made good use of it. “We haven't tried that yet, have we? Sticking to our decisions, finally fucking standing by them?”

“What the fuck does that mean?” Izzy snarled, finally getting angry, finally getting off his high horse that allowed him to taunt Ed. “I'm the only one still standing by you.”

And wasn't that heartbreaking? That this was the only choice Izzy could remember himself making. Ed, or anything else. And he always picked Ed. At least in his mind, he always did, though the act had become so rehearsed that the person he was really choosing was now completely unrecognizable.

“Yeah, well maybe you should take the hint then. No use standing around on a sinking ship. Unless you've got a deathwish you haven't told me about? Might be good to share it, while we're talking about each other's destructive tendencies.”

“Fuck you, Edward,” Izzy said. Infuriatingly, he stayed right where he was, sitting across from him at the kitchen table, a plain omelette on his plate that was already probably cold. He'd made it for himself before he'd made the one for Ed. He always did that. Useless acts of self-sacrifice that no one ever asked of him.

Ed did the dishes. He flinched every time he put something down on the drying rack, the sound always too loud and familiar.

Something had to give. Edward had been telling himself that for months on end now, watching with a hawk's eyes for the moment where Izzy might finally reach the end of his rope.

He was watching Izzy for a mistake, just like the other man was doing with him.

He had to do something. Finally stop floating on this strange sea that was taking him further and further away from himself. He had to learn to swim against the current, because it was that or sinking. It was that or fulfilling the prophecy he had accidentally spoken about himself.

His mother had been a believer, faithful, a bit superstitious. She had tried to teach him humility, had tried to teach him how to know his place. None of those lessons had really stuck, but he had still learned a few things from her. Like the power that words held. The fact that they should never be uttered unthinkingly. Especially not promises or confessions. You shouldn't walk around talking about death and self-destruction.

Something had to give, and Edward finally realized it had to be him. Maybe he had to accept that the ship was wrecked, maybe he had to abandon the idea that he was still captain. Maybe he didn't have to go down into the cold waters.

Maybe he needed not turn himself into a monster to survive. Maybe there was something he could be, in between a god and a demon. Maybe he could still find a way to be a human being.

Not with Izzy, though. Because Izzy didn't need another human being. Izzy didn't need just anyone. That would feel too much like settling for him, too much like losing something when he had convinced himself he had everything in the world. (An apartment. A job. A life. Ed.)

And Ed didn't know how to be himself on his own anymore. So he would need to look for someone else. Someone who could be a new kind of mirror, that wouldn't distort his image as much as Izzy's eyes. Or maybe the distortion wasn't the matter. Maybe Ed didn't need to be seen in a truer way. Maybe he just needed something different. Kinder. Less demanding.

He needed out, was all that mattered.

Easier said than done.

When the front door was slammed shut once more, Ed didn't close his eyes. He didn't sigh, he didn't cry. He smiled instead. Izzy wanted nothing to do with him anymore? Good. That meant Ed was free. He'd always been, he'd just been too tired and too scared to take advantage of what had always been his to use. The key to the door. His body. His velleity – what remained of his will, which he couldn't call much more than a scrap. It would have to do. He only needed it for the first impulsion. He knew his habits would come back to him once he got moving. His body would relearn that it was a body. His self would remember that it was a self. And even if it didn't happen, he would be able to pretend. He just needed to be able to pretend.

So he put on black leather pants, a soft t-shirt that was slightly too small, a leather jacket, and he went out. It shouldn't have felt like a momentous occasion, he was aware of that, but it was. And he decided he wouldn't be ashamed, because this was his truth. It was imperfect, a little sad, but it was his. He would own it with all the confidence he was capable of.

He went to a bar, because Izzy had told him to get sober and fuck Izzy. He'd left again, he didn't get to tell Ed how he had to do anything.

Except that, faced with the many colorful liquors and their exhuberant prices, Ed couldn't decide what he wanted to drink. He only drank what other people did. He had no taste of his own.

That realization was nearly enough to shatter the façade of confidence he had almost managed to make himself believe in. In the end, he ordered a coke, and he bit down on his own lip every time a voice in his head told him that he was giving in, proving that he couldn't ever let go of that small flat and all of the history that it held.

No one knew his history here, though. He'd picked the place carefully. He'd made sure to avoid any of the places he or Izzy had used to go to, or any of the places Izzy might have decided to frequent since.

That meant that the place was a little classier than what he was used to, but nobody had told him off when he'd come in, so Ed's state of dress didn't seem to be an issue. And Edward found that he didn't mind a little bit of class, from time to time.

He lounged against the bar, casually, and ran his eyes through the various people in the bar. There was a couple – or who he thought to be a couple – looking in his direction. It could be worth trying. Ed wasn't sure if they were checking him out or judging him together though, so it was risky. He marked them down as a maybe, and turned his head further.

That's when he spotted him. A guy sitting alone with a glass of wine and an open book in front of him. He wasn't reading from the book though. Instead, his gaze seemed faraway, aimed towards another table of patrons but clearly unseeing. He looked melancholy, but not really sad. Ed thought the book was a good sign. He wasn't sure of what, but a good sign anyway.

He approached the table.

“Mind if I sit down here? It's starting to be a bit crowded.”

The guy blinked up at him twice, owlishly, before seeming to process what Ed's question had been.

“Oh, yes, of course,” came his fumbled reply as he tried to pick up his book to make space, as if there wasn't still more than half of the table free. He also didn't actually look around to check how busy the bar was (getting there, but definitely still a few tables free), which Ed took as another good omen. Would have been even better if the other man had looked at the empty tables and still agreed for Ed to join him, because then he would have been certain of his catch, but half the fun was in the not knowing.

Fun. Ed was having fun. What a fucking novel idea.

As he closed his book, then opened it again when he realized he had forgotten to mark his page, Ed watched the man in front of him. They were about the same age, if Ed had to guess, though he wouldn't be surprised if people clocked the other guy as older because of the way he dressed. Chinos, a collared shirt and one of those fancy little silk scarves that Ed had always found equally ridiculous and fascinating. He had blond hair and the kind of brown eyes that revealed a multitudes of different shades if you took the time to look into them. Ed realized he wanted to look into them.

“Watcha reading?” Ed asked before the stranger could realize that he didn't actually have to close his book and make conversation with Ed.

“Oh. It's uh...” He laid his hand over the cover as if to hide it, then seemed to think better of it, and pushed it in Ed's direction. “Art history.”

A Queer Little History of Art was the full title of the book, and the cover showed two men embracing. Ed couldn't help but let out a little smile at that. It seemed he'd been lucky with his pick.

“Interesting. You know a lot about art?”

“Nothing at all,” the blond admitted with a self-deprecating chuckle. “Hence the book.”

“What made you pick it up, then?”

“Ah, that's...” Once again, the other man hesitated, then pushed on. Ed was enthralled. He had to restrain himself from leaning forward, from letting what he knew would be a predatory look slip onto his features. “My ex-wife's the one who's really interested in art.”

That was... not the answer that Ed had been expecting. “And what, you're trying to win her back?” he asked, perhaps a tad too quickly, a tad too possessively. He took a drink of his coke, trying to stay focused.

“Ah, no. Figured out that our marriage was a bad idea from the start.” He tapped the cover of the book nervously. “On both sides. But I thought... There's so much I didn't pay attention to, while we were married. Maybe I still have a chance to do right by her, in some way. I think she might really be an incredible person. I just never let myself notice. Because if I had, I guess I would have needed to really confront just why I couldn't seem to be happy with her and...” He stopped and blushed. It was absolutely adorable. “I'm so sorry. I don't even know your name and I'm already blurting out my whole life story to you. Drinking wine on my own in a bar, no less. What a cliché of the sad divorcee you must think me.”

Ed brushed him off reassuringly. “It's fine. I was the one who asked the question. I like that you answered it honestly.”

“Oh.” Once again, there was half a second of hesitation, then his gaze turned resolute. “Stede, by the way. That's my name.”

Ed grinned at that. “Edward. Call me Ed.”

“Ed.”

Stede said his name like he was trying it out. Ed had watched people fancier people than him try their wine in the same way. Taking a sip and rolling it around their mouths. It was only one syllable, two letters, and still Stede looked like he was savoring it.

Ed wanted to eat him alive.

It was so easy. Easier than he'd liked, maybe. Stede blushed deep red when Ed asked if he wanted to come back to his apartment, but he still said yes.

“We can take my car-”

“It's walking distance,” Ed said, dragging Stede by the hand, out of his seat and out the door. That was one of the easiest way he'd found to guarantee he wouldn't run into Izzy. The other man always preferred more faraway places. He always liked to keep all parts of his life neatly separated, like that would be enough to keep his life with Ed, their small apartment, pristine and unsullied. Like it would keep it safe, instead of just keeping them both starved.

“Okay then.” Stede laughed breathlessly as he stumbled after Ed. It was such a sweet sound that Ed felt himself smile in response. A wild thought started bouncing around his head. Maybe he'd done it. Maybe he'd found the jackpot. Maybe he and Stede would fuck and that would be enough, for once, maybe the innocent joy, the delight that radiated out of Stede would seep into his skin and warm him up for good. One could dream. Dragging a gorgeous man by the hand through a darkening street, a smile on one's lips and sugar on one's tongue, it felt like a waste not to.

Ed didn't stop in the street to kiss Stede. He hadn't at the bar either, because it wasn't that kind of establishment, even if it was fairly open-minded. Also, he thought that Stede might not be entirely comfortable with kissing in public. His eagerness was riddled with small moments of hesitation, which Ed took to mean that he was still new at this. So Ed didn't kiss him at the bar.

The reason he didn't stop to kiss him on the way to his flat was entirely different. He knew himself. He knew his hunger. If he started kissing Stede here, pressed against a lamppost, he would soon be dragging him into the nearest alleyway. He would end up on his knees, would suck Stede off, jerk himself to a climax, and earn only temporary satisfaction and new aches in the morning. No respect from Stede probably. That hadn't ever mattered before, but maybe it did now. He wanted to treat Stede right. Show him a good time. Get a few more delighted smiles out of him before he sent him on his way with fond memories.

And so the way to his flat was one uninterrupted race. Or maybe not a race, maybe it was more of a dance. Ed wasn't pulling Stede along as much as he was leading him, inviting movement through his own. Ed had never known that this part of things could be foreplay too. Or maybe he had, once upon a time, maybe he had forgotten.

As soon as he got the door to his flat opened, he pushed Stede against it. It wouldn't do to let the other man become shy again. Finally, finally, he kissed the blond. He grinned into the embrace at the way Stede responded, melting against the door for a second before he started kissing back. It was thrilling, this power Ed seemed to have over the man, the way he could push him through so many hesitations. It was impressive, too, the way Stede just kept going. The way he kissed back, you would think Stede was starving for it. Maybe he was, what with his story about the wife. Ed had gotten the feeling that it might still be a recent wound.

That made... something spark in his brain. He hadn't asked any questions. He didn't know how recent the separation was. More importantly, Stede hadn't asked any questions.

He breathed through the bitter feeling. He could deal with being someone's rebound. He could even deal with being someone's gay experiment. Especially if the guy in question didn't ask about his own relationship to Izzy.

Relationship.

Fuck, did that word do a lot of work. It was so vague, and yet it managed to imply so much. It felt almost disingenuine to keep thinking of it as his and Izzy's relationship, and yet there was no other word that could even attempt to describe the complexity of where they stood in relation to each other.

Dickfuck.

He wasn't here to think about Izzy. Izzy wasn't there.

Ed bit down on Stede's lip. He caught himself before he could inflict any real pain, luckily, and Stede only moaned into it. Still, it set Edward on edge. He needed something more.

So he kept kissing Stede. Leaned back slightly just to see whether Stede would chase after him. (He did, and the nest of eels burrowing deep inside of Ed's stomach hummed in satisfaction.) He leaned back even more, out of reach, kept one hand on Stede's hip to ensure he would stay against the door.

Stede's mouth stayed open, as if it couldn't understand Ed's absence. As if it was begging to be filled. That, too, sent heat deep within Ed's body.

Stede look disheveled already, out of his depth, but not exactly desperate. He took in the way Ed was looking at him and settled down again, accepting the gaze. Receiving it with a poise and grace that was almost uneblievable. It was like Stede knew, like he acknowledged that Ed's attention was his due. It was like a part of him unquestionably accepted that he deserved it.

It was hot. Ed wouldn't have been able to put it into words, but it was hot. The way Stede was unashamed by his own wanting, but also not at all embarrassed by the idea of being wanted. For once, Ed didn't see his own desires as burdensome. He didn't feel like he had to play a role, play hard to get. There was something deeply upsetting about how real he could feel himself being, even as he knew full well that he was only using Stede. Well. Maybe not using him. He hadn't promised anything that he wasn't willing to deliver. Nothing but a good time, some intimacy, some pleasure. They hadn't talked about a relationship, about seeing each other again. So maybe Ed wasn't lying. Or, if he was, maybe Stede was lying just as much.

He had to stop. He had to stop himself thinking, or he would end up talking himself out of this whole thing, and then they would both be miserable. Ed would go back to pining after his crumbling relationship with a man he didn't know how to exist without – if the whole thing collapsed it would only prove that he really couldn't exist without Izzy. And Stede would have had his evening intruded upon by a stranger for absolutely no reason, would receive nothing from the encounter except maybe a new suspicion about any man who tried to talk to him in public. Ed couldn't bear the thought. There was something in him that looked at Stede and immediately wanted to protect the other man. Perhaps because there was something in Stede that Ed missed. Something he wanted for himself. Something that was so rare, he needed to prevent the world from crushing it in the other man.

Whatever it was, Ed found himself caring. And he knew he had to show that. He knew (he'd been told, but he couldn't remember by whom) that the best way to show that was to be fully present in the moment. He knew that was what people wanted from him, what they expected, what the couldn't understand when he wasn't able to deliver, when he was barely able to be present within himself, let alone in another person's experience of reality.

Ed breathed, kept one hand on Stede's hip, and let the other trail along the front of his nice chinos. He probably ironed those, Ed though idly, all too aware of the fact that he usually refused point-blank to buy any piece of clothing that needed to be ironed before it was worn.

“Can I suck you off?” He asked, voice going low without any conscious order from his brain. It was just how he usually operated in these situations. Playing a role. Putting on a mask. The fact that Stede seemed to wear his emotions on his sleeve even like this only made him want to burrow into himself more. He didn't know how to handle this kind of vulnerability.

“I... Oh. Yes. Yes, please-”

Ed didn't wait for more, pulled Stede's zipper down and put his hand down his pants right away. Stede gasped as Ed's fingers wrapped around his dick, and so Ed leaned forward again, swallowing the noise. He pulled the chinos down even as he stroked him. Stede's hardness was pleasing in his hand, pleasing in the way it confirmed Ed's desirability.

“Wait-”

Ed didn't listen, and maybe he should've. Maybe that would have been the nice thing to do. He was trying to be nice after all. After a fashion. But he was too far gone now. He would stop if Stede told him to stop. He would stop if he felt like Stede was trying to tell him to stop. But wait, that, he couldn't. It was one or the other, black or white. Ironic, because that was the reproach he always gave Izzy. That the man was obsessed with the idea of something simple, clear-cut, that he couldn't make space in his life for any sort of nuance. The truth was, Ed wasn't usually one for nuance either. He liked things clear-cut. He just didn't like the way that Izzy wanted to cut him anymore.

He pulled Stede's underwear down alongside his pants, and dropped to his knees. They would hurt after this. He would regret it. Or maye he wouldn't. Maybe it would stay the good kind of hurt, the one that was a kind of reminder, a kind reminder, something he could hold onto to remember the pleasure he'd felt.

What a thought. Holding onto the things that made him happy, instead of spending all of his time dwelling on the past and the way it haunted every inch of his skin.

He put his lips around Stede's dick. Didn't waste any time, didn't offer a lick as warning. Just envelopped the head with his mouth, craving the feeling of a weight on his tongue, that sensation of being full, of being busy.

That sensation of not having to think anymore. Being only a conduit for somebody else's sensations.

Stede gasped again, as if he was surprised almost as much as he was pleased. As if he somehow still couldn't believe what was happening. Ed hummed at that, and Stede's hand clutched at his hair in response.

Ed liked it. Liked the weight of Stede's palm against his scalp, the way it anchored him down. He liked the way the other man's fingers caught in the greasy tangles and sent little sparks of pain down his back.

Ed pulled off, not wanting to overwhelm Stede right away. This wasn't just about shutting his own brain off. It was about the other man as well. So he forced himself to slow down, to take into account the way Stede's knees trembled slightly. He licked up the lenth of his erection, then kissed his way back down. Stede's breaths were slightly erratic above him.

“Edward-” he started to say.

Ed took it as his cue to swallow him down once more, to take him deeper this time, forcing his throat to open.

“Fuck-”

That was better. If Stede could remember Ed's name, let alone his own, then Ed was doing something wrong. It wouldn't do to have Stede's first experience of picking a guy up at a bar be anything less than stellar. The reputation of an entire community rested upon Ed's shoulder.

He almost chuckled at that, but managed to stop himself. He needed to be here. In the moment. That was what truly mattered.

He moved his head up and down, taking slightly more of Stede's dick every time, until the other man tried to snap his hips forward. Ed pushed back against his hips, keeping him in place. Before he could wonder if he'd been too harsh, if maybe he should have just pulled off and told Sede not to fuck his throat, he heard a whine slip out of Stede's mouth, and the sound of a head thunking against wood. Stede didn't seem to mind.

Ed did chuckle at that, and felt Stede's hand tighten in his hair in response.

After that... Things got a bit hazy. Ed finally managed to lose himself into what he was doing, finally shut his finicky brain off. He lost himself in the repetitiveness of the gesture – up, down, up, down – lost himself in the sensation of Stede's hipbone against his fingers, the way he could press into it a little and it wouldn't give. It wouldn't give. Stede was a strong shore that the ocean of Ed's emotions could crash against without fear of drowning anyone. Without demands to be drowned.

Ed lost himself in it, relaxed his throat enough to short-circuit his gag reflex. Stede liked that, he could tell by the way his hands tightened in his hair, desperately trying to stop his hips from snapping up. Ed swallowed and Stede cursed above him.

Ed liked it as well. He liked the pinpricks of pleasure-pain in his scalp, liked the feeling of something filling his mouth, liked the overwhelming smell of Stede as he buried his nose in his pubic hair.

“Ed- Edward,” It took two tries for Stede to say his name, because Edward was still hellbent on making him forget it entirely. Still, when he continued to speak, his voice was clear and calm. Or not calm, but composed. Artificial. Stede could be a good actor, after all. “I think you'd better pull off if you don't want to swallow.”

It sent a burst of lightning across Ed's body, leaving him gasping, cock fucking aching in his jeans. It was stupid. Ed had heard people speak a lot dirtier than that during sex and it had never made his arousal pulse in this way before. But there was something about Stede's politeness. Ed was used to people pulling him off by the hair so they could come on his face, he was used to people pushing him down so he would choke on their cock as they climaxed, he was used to people begging for him to do one or the other.

He wasn't used to this, to Stede's simple and polite statement. He wasn't used to being given the choice, without expectation.

It made Ed stupid. He hummed in acknowledgment of Stede's warning, then just redoubled his effort, taking the other man deep and swallowing around him, keeping one hand on his hip and teasingly trailing the fingers of his other all the way bak to press against Stede's perineum.

He probably shouldn't be doing this. They should have worn a condom. Stupid. Ed wasn't used to having one night stands anymore. He had gotten used to Izzy, to his loyalty. It wasn't even worth considering whether it made sense to wear a condom with Izzy.

But Ed didn't care.  Stede came with a groan and a whispered praise, knees trembling wildly as he struggled to hold himself up against the front door.

Ed eased up a little, but kept his mouth and one hand on the other man's cock, helping him through his orgasm until Stede untied his fingers from his hair and pushed against his forehead instead.

Ed backed off with a gasp of his own, still on his knees, and looked up at Stede. For a second, his brain was entirely quiet. He waited, and it was like staring at a benevolent god. Stede trailed a hand to the corner of Ed's mouth, touching the spit that had gathered there. What a picture they must make, Ed thought. It was a thrilling to imagine, this idea of beauty.

“Come here?” Stede inquired instead of ordering. It only made Ed more eager to follow whatever direction the other man wanted to push him in.

His body had other ideas though and, as he stood up, he felt his bad knee nearly buckle under his weight. He hissed in pain, catching himself on the door with a loud bang.

“Are you okay?” the blond man whispered, as if Ed would spook if he raised his voice.

“Yeah. I''ll be fine. Just my knee throwing a fit.”

“Oh, you shouldn't have-”

“I shouldn't have done that. I know. I really wanted to though.” Ed diffused the growing tension with a grin that brought a pretty blush to Stede's face.

Having caught his breath again, Ed gingerly stepped back and stretched his knee out. It would be okay. He'd known and done much worse.

“Do you need to get going?” he asked Stede. Ed had promised to show him a good time, and he had, so there was no longer much reason for the other man to want to stay. Ed wanted him to stay, though. There was still a lot more fun they could have together. Stede looked like a fun guy. But he wouldn't push. They were only using each other here, and if Ed had played his cards badly, well. That was his own fault and he would deal with the consequences.

“Get going?” Stede asked, seemingly confused. He still hadn't pushed away from the door. Hadn't even put himself back in his trousers.

“Yeah. You don't have to. You're more than welcome to stay.” (It was still so hard to frame it as his own desire, still so hard to show his hand in a way that could indicated weakness. Distance was safe. Distance was how you ensured you didnd't have anything that could be taken away.) “But if you've got places to be, I won't hold it against you.”

“But you...” Stede started. He let the end of his sentence dangle, and instead pointedly gazed at Ed's crotch, where the outline of his erection – only half-hard after the jolt of pain in his knee – was faintly visible underneath his jeans. “Is that how these things usually go?” He gestured at himself, somewhat self-consciously, then at the door behind him.

Ed shrugged, then stretched his arms above his head. He was pleased to see that Stede's eyes trailed down to the patch of bare skin revealed by his too-small shirt. Fuck, but did it feel nice to be so openly, so easily wanted. “Depends on the person. Some people can't wait to get out the door once they've come. Can't hold it against them, they came for something, they got it, they're done. It's all part of the game. 's why you should only ever offer to do something you enjoy.” He grinned again at that, knowing that his mouth must be reddened from their earlier activities. Stede bit down on his own lips.

“Some people prefer to reciprocate. Either because they think it's more polite, or because they enjoy it. Or maybe they're angling for round two.” Ed waggled his eyebrows at that. It drew a laugh out of Stede, which Ed was surprised to find an even more pleasing reaction than any of his clearly aroused looks. What kind of sap had this man managed to turn him into after a single conversation and a blowjob?

“I think I would like to. Reciprocate, I mean.” He smiled, shily and a little... hopeful.  He was looking hopeful at the idea of returning the favor and it was starting to make Ed's head spin.

Ed kissed him for it, darting in quickly with a peck, and then back again when Stede started kissing him deep and languid. Stede wasn't in a hurry, not anymore, and maybe he never had been. Maybe that had all been Ed and his desperation. But he could follow Stede's rhythm now. Part of the buzzing in his head had been satiated. Maybe he should have felt guilty, but he didn't. Not in more than an abstract way. He felt good. Pleased and warm and bubbly, as if he were a little tipsy, even though he hadn't drunk anything.

“I would like that,” Edward said, honestly, looking into Stede's eyes. “We might just need to move to somewhere where I can sit down.”

“Please, lead the way.”

So Edward did, crossing through the hallway, dropping his keys in a bowl, shrugging off his leather jacket and toeing off his boots as he went. Stede followed his lead, bending down to carefully untie his shoelaces and then align his shoes with the wall so they would stay out of the way. He didn't ask about the second pair of black boots, standing straight next to Stede's shoes, as opposed to the haphazard way Ed had pushed his out of the way.

Edward didn't say anything. It didn't count as lying if Stede never asked.

He considered stopping in the living room, just sitting down on the sofa and seeing what would happen. Whether Stede would crawl towards him on his knees to give him a blowjob in turn, whether he would sit down next to him, and draw him against his chest for a handjob, or maybe something more creative than all that. (He still figured that Stede wasn't extremely experienced with men, but one never knew. For some people, imagination was more than enough to make up for experience.)

Stede had been extremely gracious about getting blown against the entrance door, but Ed still felt this part of him that wanted to treat him right, to take care of him, to protect him. He didn't want this to be just an anonymous hookup, even if it was. So, bedroom it was.

The double-bed was unmade, various pieces of clothing lying around, and the curtains were drawn. Luckily, Ed had managed to open the windows and get some air flowing the day before, so it didn't smell. Also luckily, Izzy was a neat freak and had put all of his own possessions away before leaving. So it wasn't a tidy room, but it wasn't incriminating either. And Ed refused to be embarrassed.

Instead of commenting on the mess, or giving Stede the time to notice it, he turned around, put his hands on Stede's hips, and started walking backwards until his knees hit the bed. He sat down then, which once again put him in the perfect position to look up at Stede. He wondered why he liked that so much. Was it something inherent to Stede, something in his posture or in the way the light hit his golden hair that drew his eye and enticed him? Or was it still all a question of habit, the awe only a byproduct of the novelty of being with someone so much taller than Izzy?

He didn't care, he told himself. It didn't matter what caused it. He was enjoying it, right now, and that was all that was important. He was tired of searching for reasons, tired of running after causes and consequences, tired of being constantly torn between his past and a future he didn't have the energy to even imagine.

He closed his eyes.

Stede moved forward, standing perfectly between Edward's legs. He put a hand on Ed's cheek. His fingers were soft, uncalloused. Ed had expected as much. It matched the man's aesthetic. He didn't look like the kind of person who did a lot of manual work, or even like the kind of person who had a hobby of playing guitar. He didn't look like much of what Edward recognized from his own life.

“Are you okay?” Stede asked softly.

Edward leaned into his touch. For a second, he contemplated telling the truth. All of it. Telling Stede how not okay he was. Telling him about how hard it had been to even get out of bed, to shower and find an outfit he didn't mind being seen in. Telling him about the door slamming. He considered telling him about Izzy. Everything about Izzy. How they'd met when they were young, much younger than now, how they had become inseparable. How that had felt a little bit like being hopelessly in love. Emphasis on hopeless, these days.

He had never known love could end like this, with a person you were sleeping with every day but couldn't remember exactly why you loved, except by force of habit. He had never known it could end with his entire body screaming at him to fix things, because Izzy was his, because he didn't know what he was if he wasn't Izzy's, but that wasn't enough, not when everything felt wrong now, not when everything tasted like sand in his mouth, even Izzy's kisses.

Edward contemplated telling Stede about all of this and then he didn't. Stede didn't deserve that. Nobody deserved to be confronted with the dark things that curled inside of Ed's stomach. His possessiveness, the weight that took hold of his limbs sometimes, making him unable to do the most basic of tasks, the way he loved people because people loved him, didn't know how to sustain it otherwise.

Stede had accepted to follow a stranger to his appartment so they could have sex. That was all he had agreed to. Anything else that Edward dropped on him would just be an imposition.

So, instead of saying anything, Edward opened his eyes. He did it slowly, in a way he knew could be tortuous for the person looking at him. He looked up at Stede from under his lashes, let a smile langorously spread over his face. Stede's eyes were wide, fixed on him. His hair was still a bit rumpled from earlier, his shirt untucked, although he had buttoned his trousers back up when they had moved location. He watched his own thumb trace a line along Ed's cheeekbone.

“Of course I'm okay. Why wouldn't I be?”

Ed realized he had made a mistake the second the question was out of his mouth. Stede was much too earnest to not find an actual answer to that question. And, if he started saying something, Edward was most definitely going to cry. There was absolutely no doubt about it. So, once again, he set out to be as distracting as he could.

Still looking up at Stede, he moved against his palm until his mouth slipped over the other man's thumb.

Whatever Stede might have said died on his lips as he stared at Ed. It was a pretty dirty trick, especially considering how his mouth had previously been occupied, but Ed had never pretended to be above these kinds of petty manipulations.

He sucked at Stede's thumb when the other man made no move to pull away, grazed his skin lightly with his teeth. Perhaps unconsciously, Stede took one more step forward, until his legs touched the edge of Edward's bed. He raised his other hand, put it almost ceremoniously on Edward's neck so he could cradle his jaw, tilt his chin just the slighest bit upwards. Ed felt almost breathless from the attention.

He was fully hard again, just from this, just from the way Stede was looking at him and how he was letting himself be touched any way Ed wanted. How he was touching Edward in turn, undemanding, always so kind.

If tears had welled up in his eyes while he'd been busy sucking dick, that would have been fine, but they really didn't have any reason to appear right now.

He opened his mouth, letting Stede trail his thumb down the length of his lower lip before moving away.

“You're beautiful,” Stede whispered.

Ed closed his eyes against the prickling sensation. He shook his head slightly, trying to get rid of that feeling, so he could emerge with another seducing smirk.

He moved a bit further back on the bed, leaning on his elbows.

“So, what are you in the-”

The front door didn't slam that time. Always a pesky one, that door. It always refused to do whatever Ed wanted from it. It didn't slam, and the bedroom door didn't either. Instead, it opened with a decisive click. Edward didn't need to look away from Stede to know who was on the other side of that sound.

He felt the color leave his face.

“What's wrong-” Stede asked, only in that instant seeming to realize that someone had opened the door behind him. He turned around quickly, but didn't move out of the way, as if to shield Ed from the view of the person who knew him best. As if to protect him.

Edward sat up, sparing himself some of the humiliation. He could have chosen to play it cool. Pulled out his devil maycare attitude. Invited Izzy to join them, maybe. Jack might have been able to pull that off, but not Ed. Not when it came to Izzy.

Stupid. He'd been so stupid. If he had stopped to think one minute about all of this, he would have known what a bad idea it had been. Yeah, Izzy had left, but he never stayed gone for long. Ed could have gone back to Stede's place. He didn't have to bring him here. Why had he? What hadn't he taken a single second to stop and think?

Then again, the point of the whole endeavour had been not to think.

And besides... There was something in Ed that revelled in the look of shock on Izzy's face. It wasn't a wide-eyed, open-mouthed expression like he would have expected on Stede, but it wasn't a marble mask either. Ed braced for what was coming.

Most likely some shouting, but Izzy might first take the time to silently march Stede to the door.

“I guess I should have known this was how it was going to be,” Izzy said instead, defying all of Ed's expecations. His tone was both low and a bit shaky. “Couldn't find the balls to have a single conversation with me, but you sure found them for other activities, right?” He sardonically raised an eyebrow, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning against the door. It made him look casual, though Ed knew that the gesture was anything but. It was a way of blocking the only exit.

“Uhm, hello?” Stede said.

Izzy was facing his direction, but Edward knew he was seeing right through him and staring at Edward.

“Are you gonna say anything at all to defend yourself?” Izzy asked.

“Well, I don't see why I would defend myself of anything in front of a person as rude as you-”

“I'm not talking to you,” Izzy replied, barely sparing Stede's face a glance.

“Yes, well, I've noticed that, hence me pointing out how rude you're being.”

Izzy sighed, rubbing at his forehead, but not moving from the door. “You sure know how to pick them,” he muttered under his breath.

Edward glowered. Sure he did. He'd picked Izzy, once upon a time, hadn't he?

“Excuse me, but what the hell are you doing here?”

Izzy raised an eyebrow once more, lips quirking up in a predatory smirk “Oh, you didn't even take the time to explain it to him? You seriously expected to fuck him, let him go, and then act like nothing had happened? Has it happened before, Ed? Every time you accused me of stifling you and trapping you in this life, were you fucking other people behind my back, just waiting for me to notice and call you out on the joke?”

Stede looked back at Ed. “What's going on?”

“You should leave, Stede,” Ed replied without looking at him. He couldn't look at him. Not in the face of Izzy's satisfaction, even as the other man paraded the supposed hurt that Ed had just done him.

“What's going on?” Stede asked once more. “Ed, just tell me what's going on.”

“Come on, Ed,” Izzy cut in.

“Just leave already,” Ed snapped at Stede. “You don't want to see this.”

“Well,” Stede replied primly, apparently unafraid even in the face of Ed's snapping. “Maybe not. But I do want an explanation.”

Izzy let out a dry chuckle at that. Ed fumed.

“What explanation is there to give? I picked you up in a bar because I was sad and lonely, because my fucking boyfriend had fucking upped and left me again after giving me a whole speech about what a ruin I am, when he's been making me feel like an undeserving shit for literal fucking years.”

Izzy's grin looked almost unnatural on his face, crazed with bloodlust. “So that's how it's going to be, uh? That's how you're going to frame your lovely little fairytale, uh? Why can't you just admit that you went out looking for the first whore that would let you cheat on me? The first piece of meat you could find to try and hurt me, because that's what this is all about, right Ed? You just wanted to feel like you had an ounce of fucking power again, and you have no way to do that without screwing someone over.”

Stede had blanched. Edward wasn't sure why, whether it was due to Ed's own words, the casual way he'd flung his pain into the room, the way he had stopped pretending to be anything more than a terrible person. Or whether it was Izzy's response that sickened him, the accusations, or the insults Izzy was throwing his way despite not knowing him at all.

“Fuck you,” Ed spat. “You don't get to say this to him. If there's any whore in this room, then I guess it's me, and I take it as a fucking compliment. What do you want me to say, Iz? Yeah, this was about you. Everything's fucking about you. You've made sure of that, made sure I don't have anything in my life except you. You talk about power like that's not what you've built your whole life around. Getting off on owning me, like that's enough to give you a reason to like yourself. Then going around and calling it love, showing it off like a collar around my fucking neck.”

“I really don't think-” Stede tried to interrupt, like a fool, like someone who didn't know you were supposed to avoid storms, not run straight into them.

Like someone who didn't know you were supposed to avoid people like Ed.

“Shut up,” Ed and Izzy snapped at the same time. Ed glowered at the other man, hating that their familiarity betrayed him even in this moment, even when he was doing his very best to renounce it, finally.

It had all been a mistake, Ed realized. It had all been a mistake, because he could never have been free from his attachment to Izzy, not before they got to this, not before they finally spat it all out at each other, finally stopped caring about how the blood of it would stain the walls and their skin and each other, would stain everything they had ever cared about in this miserable fucking life.

“Stede, come on man, fucking get out.” Maybe there was one person Ed could spare, even if it wasn't himself.

“I-”

“I used you and I lied to you-” He hadn't lied, not really, had never said anything about being single.  But he knew how to manipulate a man. For his bad or for his good. “-and I would fucking do it again, so please spare me any sense of loyalty you've built up just because I was a good lay.” He'd put that last bit in just to make Izzy snarl, which didn't fail. He acted all tough, but he was quite transparently desparate, and Edward was tired of pretending to be above using that vulnerability to his advantage. “Just get out before this gets any uglier. Because it will.”

“Are you sure you don't want to just leave with me?” Stede asked, all sweet concern, still so fucking sweet, and Edward had really lucked out on this one, hadn't he? Exactly what he'd wanted, exactly what he'd needed in his life, and he had just gone ahead and ruined it, like the impulsive, uncaring twat Izzy always accused him of being. “This hardly seems like a safe situation.”

“I can handle myself, Stede. If anyone should feel unsafe right now, it's you. You have no idea what you got yourself into, mate.”

“Yes, I quite see that now.”

Edward could feel a smile on his face. He could feel his cheeks ache with it. But if it finally made Stede run away, Ed would take the pain. He would take much worse than that even. It was a good thing if Stede was scared of him. He deserved it. And it would make Stede safer, if he avoided Ed from now on, avoided getting dragged down by the dark cloud that Edward always carried with him, the same dark cloud that had suffocated Izzy until he turned into the spiteful curmudgeon that he was today, hurting people because he couldn't face his own pain any other way, was too overwhelmed by it in every single circumstance.

How fucking pathetic, Ed realized. He'd been so scared of Izzy, of the way he depended on the man, didn't know how to take care of himself without him, didn't know when to do groceries, when he had bills to pay, how much money he even had to his name. But he realized now how little these things mattered, in the grand scheme of things. His hunger would always be there to remind him to do groceries.

But Izzy needed him. Izzy didn't know how to be anyone without Ed around. Being a fuckup wasn't enough for him. At least Ed knew how to be content with that.

Ed felt hungry now, as hungry as he knew Izzy to be. He felt the need for control deep in his guts. And, for once, Ed wasn't scared of that hunger. He wasn't scared of the violence he felt, like claws curling over his fingers.

“For what it's worth...” Stede spoke up, moving through the door as Izzy moved out of the way with a derisive sneer. “I thought you were a beautiful person. I mean that. Not just about your looks but about... everything.”

“Get out,” Ed managed to whisper through gritted teeth.

He didn't want to feel beautiful right then. He didn't need beautiful. He needed strong. He needed selfish. He needed a version of himself that would be able to protect him. How dare Stede come into his life like this, with his innocence and his eagerness and his joy, and devastate him so easily. Calling him beautiful when the flood of his emotion was tar over Ed's skin.

Stede smiled, bitterly, like he was disappointed, and Edward couldn't do anything but watch him leave. That was all he was capable of being. A fucking disappointment.

He and Izzy both waited, carefully poised and silent, until they heard the front door close. It barely made a click.

“Happy now?” Edward asked. He was unsure what he even meant by it. Of course Izzy wasn't going to be happy. He wasn't ever. At least he hadn't been in Ed's recent memories. Should he feel bad about that? He couldn't find the energy to. It wasn't as if he himself still knew what true happiness felt like.

“Why would I be happy about any of this, Edward?”

“Because you were right about me. I'm as much of a failure as you thought I was. I've proved it now. Everyone will finally believe you.” Even Ed was starting to believe him. It tasted acrid in his mouth, this new truth about himself. But Ed could learn to enjoy it, could make an acquired taste out of it. He didn't care about being a failure to Izzy anymore. Not when he finally saw the other man's standard as what they were: a desperate attempt at hiding his own failings from himself.

“I never saw you as a failure, Edward,” Izzy enounced carefully. It was as if he was making sure that each word was the right one. “I worship the fucking ground you walk on.”

“Why can you still not understand that that's the issue? I'm not a god, Iz. No amount of praying will change that.”

“Fuck you. I have no idea what you're trying to fucking say.”

Edward laughed. The sound felt cold even inside of his throat. “It's not that, Izzy. It's just that you're not even trying to listen.” Ed felt elated suddenly. “You've never been able to just listen to me. And you try to justify it, but I won't take it anymore. I'm done with being your toy masquerading as a fucking icon. I'm done being your refuge, always there for you to come back to. It's so fucking fucked up, all of this. We're fucked up. At least this version of us we've tried to make come true.” He breathed in deep before he said the next part, knowing that it was important. “You won't ever be for me what I am for you. Because it's not right, Iz. It's not love and we both know it. I know we both know it, deep down. This is not what love is. It's some kind of devotion, sure. And I was grateful for it, once. But it's not love. It's not free.”

Izzy still wasn't saying anything. It might have been just another tactic. Maybe he was waiting for Ed to back himself into a corner. Maybe he was readying himself, so he could strike when Ed was the most vulnerable. But Ed didn't think that was it. For once, he thought that Izzy might not be playing a part. Maybe he really was as confused and lost as he seemed.

“You can't give me something and expect it to bind me to you forever. That's not how it works. Especially when I never fucking asked for it, Izzy.”

That seemed to raise the other man's hackles, and Ed could see that he was ready to protest, but he barreled on. He didn't want to listen to Izzy, not anymore.

“Can you at least admit to the game you made of it all? The way you left and always came back, playing the victim but so damn sure of yourself. Like you knew I would always be waiting. And that's where you were wrong Izzy. I'm not gonna wait forever for you to save me. Because you don't even want to.”

“You've go no-”

“You need to fucking listen, mate.You played a game. You placed your bet and you left, because you expected me to do my part. Stay still. Repent. Apologize and start this little show of ours all over again. Why would I keep doing it? It's hurting me. It's hurting you. You've been telling me over and over that you've missed me, that I'm not there anymore, not the way I used to be. Where the fuck have you been, Iz? Because you sure haven't been there to help me find myself again. I'm sorry if you thought I would finally figure it out, if I was left to my own devices long enough. I'm sorry if you trusted me that much. But I'm not sorry for what I did.”

Izzy took the few steps from the door to the bed like he was marching across a battlefield. The slap didn't exactly come as a surprise. Ed let it happen, let his head snap back with the force of the impact. Let Izzy get whatever he hoped to get from this. It wouldn't be as much as Ed did. Because with the pain, there was clarity. A new ease of being. Ed settled into his bones again until he was half the god Izzy had dreamed him to be. Except he wasn't Izzy's. If a god he was, he wouldn't be bound to an altar. He wouldn't be the kind of presence that was trapped in the light of a candle flame, something that could only exist if it was watched.

He looked back at Izzy with defiance. He didn't care if he was still sitting on the bed. He was still the tallest one of the two, he always would be.

Izzy looked at him with desperation in his eyes, and when his hands gripped one of Ed's and tilted it up into a kiss, that wasn't unexpected either. Ed let it happen. He didn't care anymore. Let Izzy think he might be saved if he wanted, but Ed was done.

He was done believing.

(In this, at least. He was done believing that this pain had any meaning. He was done convincing himself that shared hurt was the best way to keep two people together. He thought that maybe, given a bit of time, he could do some cleaning inside his thoughts, free up some room for something else. Something easier, kinder. Something warm.

Something a little like the smile of a blond man who was just waiting to be charmed by the world. Or maybe something like the man Ed had known himself to be, once upon a time, possessed by a seemingly bottomless curiosity. He knew he was capable of it, that state of constant movement where his own energy was enough to keep the cold at bay. He was done thinking that the monster he'd become was what was weighing him down. There was no monster he'd become. Only the monster he'd always been. And it might never be tamed, Ed knew, but not trying was no longer an option.

Ed was done believing in the possibility of owning someone else. He was done believing that being owned was any kind of safety.)

[edactually]

Stede POV - 11.7

Stede didn’t have long until Ed arrived and he was panicking. 

He’d picked up the photo album yesterday, but flipping through the pages now just made him feel silly. God, what had he been thinking? This was far too much. They hadn’t even been dating a week and Stede wanted to give this to Ed as a gift?

Stupid idea.

He snapped the album closed and shoved it into the drawer of his bedside table. He could think of another gift for Ed. A better one.

He chickened out of the apron idea as well, opting for a soft cotton shirt and trousers, and made his way downstairs to start preparing breakfast.

It was as he was whisking the batter that he wondered if Ed would grow tired of blueberry pancakes. Stede knew Ed liked them so it had seemed like a good idea to make them, but now he was wondering if the novelty had worn off. Maybe Ed liked blueberry pancakes, but he didn’t want to eat them all the time. Maybe he would get bored of them if he wasn’t bored already. Maybe he wanted to try more interesting breakfast food like waffles or poached eggs.

Stede hadn’t asked Ed if he was exclusive to blueberry pancakes. He’d just made assumptions again. Probably best to ask him when he got here, just to make sure they were on the same page about breakfast foods.

Pull yourself together, Bonnet.

He whisked the batter harder, trying to blot out those troublesome thoughts creeping in again, and half of the contents of the bowl sloshed over the side and onto his shirt and trousers.

Fuck’s sake. Maybe the apron was a practical idea after all.

He tossed the shirt and trousers into the laundry hamper in the utility room. He didn’t have time to plan another outfit and make breakfast, and he didn’t want to just throw on anything. Ed had asked to see him in nothing but the apron, and it would make clean up easier if he spilled pancake batter everywhere again.

Before he could talk himself out of it, Stede plucked the apron hanging on the back of the door from its hook. He only ever bothered with it when he was cooking something particularly messy. The apron itself wasn’t fancy, just a navy and white striped number, but it was all he had.

As he knotted the string around his waist, Stede did wonder if he should have gone out and bought a new one, as this one did have a grease stain on the front pocket from when some butter had gone rogue, and he’d never managed to get it out. Hopefully Ed wouldn’t notice.

He didn’t feel particularly sexy as he went back to preparing breakfast, but he put that down to insecurity and being stuck in his own head. He was getting better at recognising the signs, although shutting that negative part of his brain off still proved to be a challenge. At least cooking was enough of a distraction that he didn’t have to think too hard about the fact that he was cooking naked except for the apron over his front. If he focused on quantities of flour and milk and eggs then he didn’t have the opportunity to start thinking he looked ridiculous and worry that Ed would just laugh at him when he came in.

He was just about to pour the batter into the pan when the sound of a car door slamming made his ears prick up. He set the bowl down and listened carefully.

There was a scraping sound, and footsteps, and then the unmistakable sound of a key being fitted into his front door.

Stede broke into a grin that made his cheeks start to ache from how widely it stretched over his face as he heard the door open and a heavy thud that must have been Ed dropping his bags to the floor.

Footsteps sounded and Stede was halfway to charging out of the kitchen to meet Ed when the door swung open.

And there he was.

Stede suspected Ed had lied about sleeping on the plane because he looked exhausted (although Stede doubted he looked much better after his own restless night), but those sleepy brown eyes widened at the sight of him. In his excitement that Ed was here, Stede had forgotten how he currently looked and now he turned bashful, smoothing out invisible wrinkles on his apron just for something to do with his hands.

This had been Ed’s suggestion, but now Stede was acutely aware that his boyfriend wasn’t saying anything and he questioned if it really had just been a joke and Stede had unintentionally made himself the punchline.

Stede wanted to look at the floor, but instead he watched Ed’s gaze travel slowly over him. Ed started with his face and swept down over his shoulders, his stomach (thankfully concealed by the apron), his calves, right down to his feet. Stede felt like he was under inspection and remained still, not even wanting to breathe too heavily in case it distracted Ed from his assessment. 

Then Ed’s eyes swept back up and made contact with Stede’s own, and it was only then that he understood Ed’s expression. 

“Oh my god.” Ed spoke at last, and his voice licked along Stede’s skin like fire. It was both husky and honeyed and filled with all the longing that mirrored how Stede felt. “Come here.”

There was no force in the world that could have held Stede back.

He lunged for Ed, only saved from tripping over his own feet by Ed catching him around the waist and pulling him in close. Ok, so apparently clumsiness and gravity were both forces with potential to hold Stede back, but it didn't matter. He was in Ed’s arms, crushed against Ed’s chest, and nothing else mattered.

They just held each other for a moment, too overcome with their reunion to do anything but just grip on tightly and hope that this was reality. They had only been apart for a couple of days, it was embarrassing really, but if Ed didn’t care about being clingy then neither did Stede.

And then Ed’s hands were sliding up his back and twisting through his curls and the gentle, simmering warmth between them turned into blazing fire. Stede couldn’t have said who moved first, just that their mouths collided, hot and burning and desperate. Stede could still count the number of times he and Ed had kissed, and if he had his way then there would ultimately be so many occurrences that Stede would lose track entirely.

Ed’s knees knocked against his as he started to back Stede further into the kitchen, and for a brief moment Stede worried that Ed might be in pain with his knee from the flight, but it was difficult to ask the question when Ed’s kisses stole any words from his mouth.

He felt cold metal pressing against his back, and the chill on his bare backside was enough to make him yelp in shock. Ed pulled back with an inquisitive look and Stede giggled. “The fridge. It’s cold.”

Ed’s eyes darkened as his hands slipped from Stede’s head and down his back. “Yeah? I can warm you up.” Strong, calloused hands suddenly grabbed his backside and Stede gasped. Ed’s hands were certainly warmer than the cold metal of the fridge that had pressed against him moments ago. Ed chuckled and dropped his head to Stede’s shoulder to kiss and suck at his skin while his hands squeezed and massaged the flesh of Stede’s arse like he was kneading bread dough. “I can’t believe you actually did this.”

“You asked me to.” Stede sighed happily and angled his neck so Ed could trail kisses there too.

Ed’s laugh reverberated over Stede’s skin. “And if I’d asked you to wrap yourself up in a bow and lie naked by your front door until I got here, you’d have done that as well, would you?”

“Yes.” Stede said simply, but perhaps it was the wrong answer to give because Ed stopped kissing him.

Their eyes met at the same time and Ed looked a strange combination of concerned and aroused. “They’re just ideas, Stede. You don’t have to do anything just because I ask you to.”

“I know I don’t.” Stede said. “And I admit, the apron thing is a bit out of my comfort zone but that’s why I decided to do it. I want to push myself, I want to try new things, I want–” He hesitated, not sure if he should admit the next thing on his mind, but Ed’s face was soft and smiling and Stede didn’t want to keep things from him. “I want to try and see myself the way I think you see me.”

Ed planted a tender and chaste kiss on Stede’s forehead. “And how do I see you?”

Stede blushed. “You know what I mean.”

“I do, but I want to hear you say it because I don’t think you’ll start believing it until you do.” Ed cocked his head, still smiling. 

Stede flushed an even deeper shade of red, but opted to try his best. “I think you see me as someone attractive?” He began, and Ed nodded. “You think I’m handsome?”

“Agreed, but these should be statements, not questions.”

It was difficult to keep the upwards inflection out of his tone. “You think I’m funny. You think I’m interesting. You think I’m exciting.”

Stede bit his lip nervously and couldn’t continue and Ed kissed the tip of his nose. “All true, and plenty more that I can think of but we’ll leave it there. You made a great start, Stede, I’m proud of you.”

He tried not to squirm happily at the praise, instead he just tilted his chin up in the hopes of another kiss. But just as Ed was starting to lean in, a loud rumble caught their attention and they both dissolved into laughter at Ed’s stomach making its presence known. “Breakfast time, I think.” Stede giggled and patted Ed’s shoulder to get him to release his hold and take a step back.

As he walked back over to the stove to finish the pancakes, he heard a loud groan from behind him and looked back over his shoulder. Ed was staring. “How the fuck am I supposed to concentrate on eating with that cute little arse of yours on display?”

Ed’s stomach rumbled loudly again and Stede turned his attention back to his cooking with a laugh. “I think you’ll manage.”

He had just poured the batter into the pan when he felt a presence looming behind him and then Ed’s hand slapped his ass. Not with enough force to hurt, but definitely enough to get his attention. Stede smirked. “You shouldn’t distract me when I’m making you breakfast.”

“I’m just wondering if I can get these cheeks as pink as your face when you blush.” Ed remarked, and Stede’s face heated in response. “Yep, just like that.”

Ed’s flat palm remained resting on his ass and Stede found it difficult to concentrate. His normally perfectly round pancakes were turning into a misshapen blob in the pan and Stede huffed. “You’ll ruin your breakfast if you carry on.”

Ed’s hand ran over the curve of Stede’s backside. “I can live with that. Unless you want me to stop?”

Stede was feeling far more devious than usual now he had Ed back and he rocked back against Ed’s palm, delighting in the surprised little expulsion of air he felt on his neck from Ed’s sudden gasp. “Actually, I want it harder than that.”

While Ed was stunned into silence, Stede flipped a pancake. It was misshapen, but a perfect golden brown, and he tipped it onto the waiting plate on the counter. “You should eat first though, darling. Your food will get cold.”

Ed waited until Stede had poured more batter into the pan to create the next pancake before slapping his ass again, this time with enough force to make Stede jolt and suck in a breath through his teeth. Ed’s palm stroked over the sting and once he’d had a moment to recover, Stede pretended to be nonchalant about it. “Hmm, thought I felt something. Probably just a bee sting.”

“Fuckin’ bee sting.” Stede felt Ed’s beard tickling the back of his neck as Ed leaned in closer. “I could turn your arse cherry-red and make it so you’re not able to sit down without thinking about me.”

A thrill ran up Stede’s spine at the threat. Then again, not much of a threat if he wanted it. “I’m not stopping you.”

Ed paused and Stede felt his head shift to look over Stede’s shoulder. “How long will it take to finish making breakfast?”

Stede turned the pancake onto the plate and poured batter in to start another. “Depends on how hungry you are.”

“Ravenous.” Ed said, and Stede sensed he wasn’t talking about food. “Let’s say one more of those for me and then however many you want. How long?”

Stede shrugged. “Five minutes, give or take?”

“Right then,” Ed’s hand roamed over Stede’s ass again and landed another sharp slap that made him yelp. “Let’s see how red I can get your arse by the time you’ve finished making breakfast.”

Was there a way of nodding one’s head so vigorously without looking like a bobblehead figurine? Stede should have been embarrassed by how eager he was, but he was just thrilled at the thought of what was to come. And trying to cook at the same time would be an extra challenge, even if it was just pancakes, which were hardly difficult.

Ed at least had the courtesy not to spank him when he was pouring batter or flipping a completed pancake onto a plate, just for the mess it might cause, but everything in between was fair game.

Stede braced himself for the slap on his right cheek where Ed’s hand was lovingly caressing his (surely pink by now) skin, but the next contact he felt was Ed’s hand spanking him hard on the left cheek, which had been woefully ignored thus far. Stede jolted and braced one hand on the counter for support. It was taking so much concentrated effort to keep cooking and not just bend over to let Ed treat him as he liked.

Another slap landed on his ass, in the exact same spot that Ed had already hit and it made him yelp at the sting of the strike. Ed caressed the spot he’d just spanked, stroking tenderly over Stede’s bare flesh and he realised that Ed was waiting for him to use their safe word since he’d cried out. He had no intention of doing so. Instead, he wriggled his hips in encouragement as he turned another pancake out onto a plate and began making a new one. The food would be fucking ice cold by the time he was done, but Stede doubted either one of them cared.

Ed built up a steady rhythm as Stede cooked, alternating between which ass cheek he landed a blow on. The intensity varied as well - sometimes it was light and nothing more than a little stinging tap against his backside, other times Ed spanked his ass hard enough that the sound of the slap echoed throughout the kitchen and was swiftly followed by Stede crying out. It was never painful enough that he wanted it to stop, but after every loud cry, Ed rubbed at the spot he had just struck to soothe and give Stede a chance to use their safe word before he attempted another slap.

By the time Stede had their breakfast dished out onto two plates, his backside was sore and stinging and he fucking loved it. It was like he could still feel every swat of Ed’s palm against his skin as they carried their plates over to the kitchen island. He couldn’t see the state Ed had left him in, but he could certainly feel it and Stede imagined his ass was as red as a rose and littered with Ed’s handprints.

Ed sat down first, but rather than tuck in to his (now cold) breakfast, he propped an elbow onto the countertop and rested his chin on his hand. He watched Stede with an amused smirk as he hovered, and then eventually took a careful seat on the stool next to him. Even though he was gentle with it, Stede did wince slightly as he sat and Ed laughed. “Told you so.” Ed leaned in to press a kiss to Stede’s bare shoulder. “I wasn’t too rough on you, was I?”

Stede added getting spanked by his boyfriend to his mental list of approved activities. “I enjoyed it. Perhaps I’ll repay the favour for you one day.” He started cutting his pancakes into bite-sized pieces. “If you’d be interested, that is.” Ed didn’t answer straight away and Stede risked a glance over to see that his boyfriend was staring at him in apparent shock. “What?”

Ed shook his head, as if he needed to shake loose his disbelief. “Just can’t believe you’re fucking real sometimes.” And before Stede could question if he meant that in a good or a bad way, Ed leaned in to capture his lips in a sweet kiss.

Stede felt a little kiss-drunk when they parted and he very nearly blurted out something he knew would be too much, too soon and he’d immediately regret it, but he bit his tongue when he realised he’s forgotten a key part of their morning routine. “Damn! I forgot to make the coffee.”

As he went to stand up, Ed shoved him down by his shoulders. “I’ve got it, angel, don’t worry.”

Stede’s head was still swirling from the pet name as Ed got up and started pottering around the kitchen to make the coffees. Everything was laid out already, it was just a matter of getting the water boiling and poured over the coffee he’d ground directly from the beans that morning. “You know they have fancy-ass machines that do all this for you now.” Ed remarked as he spied the manual coffee grinder Stede had left in his sink to be washed later. “Just a flick of a switch.”

“I know, but they’re so expensive.” Stede lamented. “I have the means, but it just seems like an awful lot of money to spend on something so frivolous when I can make it myself.”

“It’s not frivolous if you enjoy it.” Ed grinned and rested his hip against the counter as he waited for the water to boil.

“My father would disagree.” Stede laughed, but Ed didn’t. Ed remained silent. It would have been nerve-wracking were it not for those gentle brown eyes encouraging him to elaborate but not demanding it. “I wasn’t so careful with money a few years ago, you see. My father gave me a top job at his company so my salary was excellent, but I felt so out of my depth and lonely that I just turned to shopping to make myself feel better.”

Ed didn’t interrupt to voice his own opinion on that, just nodded, and Stede kept going.

“It became a bit of a problem. What started as buying a little treat for myself to feel better evolved into me spending more and more on lavish and frivolous things just because I wanted them.” He saw the worried crease on Ed’s brow and quickly intervened. “Oh, don’t get me wrong! It never got so bad that I spiralled into debt or struggled with money, but it certainly wasn’t appropriate behaviour.”

Those had been his father’s exact words when he’d dragged Stede to one side at a family dinner to chastise him for the floral velvet embroidered blazer he was wearing, and then had learned how much it had cost.

“My father worked himself up from nothing, you see.” Stede explained, the familiar speech that he’d been given since childhood easy to recite now. “One day everything he has will fall to me. Not because I’ve earned it, but because I lucked into it by being his only child. Once he saw how I was spending my money, he said I was irresponsible and foolish and if I didn’t tone it down then I would be out of a job, son or no son.” 

Stede shrugged. “It’s been easier since the divorce. My father has never visited me once since I’ve lived here, so it’s been easier to hide things from him. As long as I only wear my plain suits to the office and the unfortunate times when I do have to see my father socially, he doesn’t comment on it. Still, I suppose his words clung to me enough that I think twice before buying something expensive for myself now.”

The water had boiled and Ed turned his attention to making their coffees. Stede had caught the contemplative look upon his face and wondered if it bordered on pity. But he had potentially soured the mood by bringing up his father, and he didn’t want to make it worse. He tucked into his cold pancakes while Ed spooned the correct and ludicrous amounts of milk and sugar into his and Ed’s cups and then brought them over.

They ate together in quiet companionship, and it was like Ed had a sixth sense for whenever Stede was beginning to worry that he’d ruined the mood, because every now and then Ed would rest his hand on Stede’s knee or press a kiss to his cheek or stroke a wayward curl back from his forehead. Ed told Stede everything with such simple gestures.

I see you, I like you, I’m not going anywhere.

Stede finished his breakfast and coffee first, which was unusual for them. Ed had cleared his plate but was still sipping his coffee, watching Stede as he bustled around the kitchen and began the process of cleaning up.

“Can I ask you something?”

Stede was at the sink with his back to Ed when he heard the question, trying to scrub a particularly stubborn piece of batter from the pan. “Yes?”

“You’re not very sexually experienced.”

That wasn’t a question, but Stede bit his tongue and let Ed continue.

“Yet you’re so… I suppose adventurous is the best word? Or maybe curious? Like when you gave your first blowjob and asked me to come on your face, then you wanted to try sixty nineing, then you asked to eat me out. Not complaining about any of that, just to be clear.”

Stede was glad for that clarification, he’d been starting to wonder if Ed thought he was depraved.

“I think because you were so worried and nervous about your lack of experience, I just expected you to want to go slower and to build up to things like that, but you surprised me with just how ready and willing you are to try stuff. It’s like you’ve only just dipped your toes in the pool but you’re ready to jump into the deep end.”

Stede had managed to get the stubborn piece of batter off and set the pan on the draining board. “You said you had a question?”

“I suppose my question is… why?”

This would be easier to answer if he didn’t have to look at Ed, and Stede busied himself with the remainder of the dishes in the sink. “I’ve asked myself the same thing. That whole period of life where most people are out exploring and figuring out who they are, I spent just… doing what I was told.” Going to the college he was told to attend, marrying the girl he was told to want, taking the job that had been picked out for him.

“Finally coming out was the best thing I ever did, but also the most terrifying. Suddenly I was part of a world that I had no experience of, and it felt like I was too old to be a complete novice.” In the beginning, Stede had felt ostracised in a community he’d finally hoped to fit into. “It’s why the thought of kissing another man scared me so much, because I was convinced I’d get it wrong and be a laughing stock. But then after we kissed for the first time… everything just fell into place.”

He thought back on it now. The chill in the air, the way that late night breeze had nipped at his skin but Ed had been so warm. How Ed hadn’t hurried or pressured him and how easy it had been to just sink into that kiss, to really take his time and feel all of it. The fizzing in his stomach and the sparks in his veins and every cell of his body crying out that this was it, this was what it was supposed to feel like.

“It was so perfect, everything I’d ever dreamed it could be. Suddenly I started thinking about all the things I hadn’t done, all the experiences I’d missed out on. I wanted to try everything. Of course I was still nervous, which is why I didn’t act on those impulses straight away. I suppose I could have done, if I’d gone out on Grindr dates with other people, but that didn’t feel like what I wanted.”

Grindr would have been ideal for the exploration he wanted. It was somewhere he could be upfront with what he wanted to try and the people interested would let him know, and there would be no awkward preamble, no wondering how the other person felt - they would both know what they were there for, get on with it, then go their separate ways. Satisfying but impersonal.

It wasn’t what Stede had wanted. He was anxious enough as it was, so exploring a side of himself he’d never considered before wasn’t something he felt comfortable doing with a stranger. It had to be with someone he trusted.

“And then I realised it was because of you. Everything I wanted to try, to experience for the first time, it was only ever you that I pictured. And I don’t just mean the sexual experiences either. I’m talking about romantic dates and quiet domestic moments and– god, I was so absolutely gone on you, I wanted everything. Still do.”

It was madness really, how fast he’d managed to fall. He had quite literally fallen for Ed the first time he’d seen him.

“But I kept getting in my own head, talking myself in and out of stuff and giving you every mixed signal in the world - which I feel like a real bastard for doing, by the way - and then ultimately I realised that I just needed to fucking talk to you.” All the miscommunication, all the issues, all because Stede didn’t have the guts to just lay his cards on the table and ask for what he wanted. He didn’t feel like he deserved to get it, but clearly Ed disagreed as he was still here.

“You were there for the rest. And I can’t say that I don’t still get nervous, you know that I do, but I feel I can be more open with you than anyone else and you’re never going to laugh at me or judge me for it.”

It was why Ed was so perfect. The best friend, the best lover, the best listener. Just someone he could really be himself with, and know that it was enough for him. As much as Stede dearly loved his friends and family (perhaps not including his father in that family roundup), he knew he could be too much for them at times. For Ed, he wasn’t too much. For Ed, he always felt like enough.

Dishes stacked on the side to drain, Stede finally turned around with a sheepish smile after dumping so much information on Ed, who was probably unsuspecting of it. “I suppose that’s a very long-winded way of saying that I’m trying to make up for lost time and I was waiting for the right person.”

Ed was holding his cup between his hands and his brown eyes were filled with some emotion that Stede couldn’t name as he stared at him. He saw Ed’s throat bob as he swallowed, and then Ed was looking down at the counter, suddenly unable to meet Stede’s gaze.

Stede was curious, but not panicked (yet), and he came back to the kitchen island to sit next to his boyfriend. He prised one of Ed’s hands from his tight grip on his cup to hold it. Ed only met his eyes again when Stede kissed the back of his hand. “Something’s on your mind.”

Ed smiled, but it was small and didn’t meet his eyes, and was gone in moments. “Just got me thinking, that's all.”

“About what?” Stede kissed his hand again. “Tell me.”

Ed sighed deeply. “You want to make up for lost time. I get that and I’m more than happy to help. Believe me, I have very much enjoyed everything so far, so don’t think I’m an unwilling participant because I promise I’m into it.”

He stopped and Stede ran his thumb over the back of Ed’s hand. “But?” He prompted.

“But I’m worried that there are things I want for us that you’ll find…” Ed’s voice dropped and Stede had to strain to hear the next whispered word. “Boring.”

Stede was flabbergasted.

Boring? In what world would he ever find Ed boring?

He must have said as much without realising because Ed smiled again, although it was still not his usual grin. “Because I’ve done the wild stuff, and while there’s a lot of it that I enjoy and I enjoy it even more because it’s with you now, there’s… there’s stuff I want to try that I’ve never done and I’m worried you won’t think it’s exciting.”

“I would never.” Stede squeezed Ed’s hand. “What is it, my darling? Tell me what you want.”

“Well, besides the mundane things like just watching a movie together or doing chores together…” Stede was a little surprised that Ed actually wanted to do chores, but it made sense when he remembered Ed had never really had a committed relationship and all the so-called ‘boring’ stuff that came with it. “I– I want you to fuck me. But I want it slow. I want you to be gentle, I want to feel–”

“Cherished?” Stede suggested and Ed bit his lip as he nodded. Stede lifted a hand to Ed’s cheek and let his thumb stroke softly and reassuringly against it as Ed leaned into the touch. “Darling, I would never find that boring. All I want is to treasure you. You deserve to feel adored and I would love to be the one to do that for you.”

Ed’s head turned to press a kiss to Stede’s palm, and when he looked back, his eyes were lit up. “Really?”

“Everything with you is exciting, and I said I wanted it all. You’re going to tell me exactly what you want and I am going to do my absolute best to provide it for you.” Stede leaned forwards so that their foreheads rested against one another. They stayed that way for a moment, sharing deep, calming breaths, before Stede spoke. “Let’s go upstairs.”

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[something-about-sunflowers]

Hi, sorry, it's definitely the toe.

The thing about infections is that there are multiple types of infections. Izzy's likely got some form of gangrene which tends to happen as a result of surgical complications and can take weeks to months to develop. It would have spread from the toe to his foot to his calf and if he wasn't taken out by the illness that'd result from leaving it to that point it would have likely taken some of his thigh as well.

I'm not sure what you mean about him seeming better at the end of season 1?

The last shots we see of him he's:

Hobbling around with the cane.

Standing still on the dinghy, holding the cane, with his bandaged foot on display.

Standing still at the railing when Ed walks up to stand next to him. We don't see below his waist to know if he's still keeping his boot off and he's not moving and he's got the railing to lean on so he doesn't need the cane.

If he left an infected wound untreated there IS a possibility that it could heal on it's own but that's incredibly unlikely by today's standards let alone in the 1700s. What's more likely is the infection spreads, as mentioned before, to more of his leg.

The most likely explanation for him foregoing the cane and wearing his regular boots again in the season 2 shots is really just that he's trying to hide it. He's not unaffected either, he's favoring his left leg and he LOOKS ill. He's a pirate though so he's used to the lifestyle enough to be able to work through the pain.

As for his practicality not letting it get as far as necessitating an amputation I'd argue that, on a ship with nobody he trusts, it's MORE practical for him to hide his perceived weakness. Frenchie and Jim are part of Stede's crew no matter how well they acclimate to Blackbeard's. Fang threw his lot in with them when he mutinied on Izzy (before that, really, the 'Izzy the spewer' story was honestly such a breach of trust). The new-so-far-nameless crew are likely just there to fill out their ranks, they could have come from anywhere. Ed DID this to him. He has nobody he can turn to and feel safe asking for help.

It's not boring for him to lose the leg from losing the toe, it's the narrative pay-off. The toe was to set up the loss of the leg. It wasn't 'punishment' (in the narrative sense at least, Izzy and/or Ed might view it as a punishment but if it's meant to NARRATIVELY be a punishment then that is genuinely vile because disability should never be a punishment), it was the set up to the pay-off of him NEEDING to open up and accept help being OFFERED to him. Obviously we don't know the specifics of the situation but I'd venture a fair guess that he is not going to WANT the amputation but it will be done to save his life. He's not going to ask for the help, he's going to be given it regardless. It's the catalyst for his character development.

It's maybe a difference in perspective but I think the amputation isn't intended to be viewed as an act of violence like the toe cutting was but as an act of healing. It doesn't diminish the violence of the toe cutting because it emphasizes how dangerous it WAS. If, as a lot of us suspect, the amputation IS in response to a dangerous infection from the existing injury then it is LITERALLY saving his life to do it. There are a million metaphors in 'cutting away the rot so new things can grow'.

Lucius' finger is a different story because none of it was intentional. His infection came on much quicker because it came from the BITE (bite wounds from humans nearly always get infected, our mouths have SO much bacteria in them) rather than it being an untreated/improperly treated wound. Lucius' finger also establishes, albeit in a comedic way, that there ARE consequences to certain actions in the world they occupy, which is important because we've seen both Ed and Stede shrug off stab wounds that would - in reality - be very dangerous regardless of what 'side' you take the blade on. It sets a precedent for the necessity of amputation and actually establishes the possibility for it to happen again with a more serious tone.

It also provides a contrast as to why Izzy doesn't ask for help. Lucius wouldn't have felt the need to hide his infection until it got to the point of needing to take his arm. Lucius has FRIENDS. People he can rely on to offer him help before he needs to ask. Izzy doesn't.

Genuinely I think it would be reductive and narratively lazy for the amputation to come from anything else. It also perfectly sets up Stede and Izzy's newfound semi-camaraderie if Stede is the one to, if not do it himself, then at least provide the environment for the amputation to happen and as a result the HEALING to happen.

No hate if you disagree of course, just trying to explain why it DOES make sense and hopefully mitigate any annoyance when/if it IS the reason for it.

Theories on how Izzy lost his leg

Okay so we're all very interested in Izzy's leg, obviously, but so far everyone else seems to assume it was caused by his toe getting infected. I don't buy it, though, for several reasons.

For one thing, I'm not a doctor but is this really how infections work? How would a toe infection spread so far and so quickly that they had to cut his entire lower leg off? Yes, we know Izzy isn't inclined to accept help or allow himself to appear weak or sick, but he's not stupid either. He's an experienced pirate, he must have seen enough amputation or deaths from infections to know what's at stake. He's much too practical to let it get this far without seeking medical help or at least getting it amputated sooner so that he only had to lose a foot and not his entire calf or even his knee (can't tell from those few frames in the trailer yet).

And besides, we already saw his foot get better at the end of S1, it seemed like several weeks had passed and he was walking just fine, wasn't even using his cane anymore. From what I know, if a wound gets infected, it typically happens within the first few days of an injury. In several weeks it would either have got infected already or healed enough not to be a problem anymore. For much of the S2 trailer Izzy is seen taking part in attacks, with his leg still whole, so it seems like he only lost his leg in the second half of the season. We don't yet know what sort of timeline the season follows, but it's safe to say it's going to take place over a period of at least 3 weeks. So that's several more weeks. That makes it even more unlikely for Izzy's toe to suddenly get infected towards the end of the season after all this time.

And secondly... it would just be a bit boring from the narrative perspective. Losing the toe was already punishment enough. Even if it had healed fully with no physical consequences at all, the whole experience of being woken up in the middle of the night to the pain of having it sheared off and then forced to chew and swallow it is was definitely traumatising enough not to be forgotten that quickly... This show doesn't shy away from graphic injury and violence, but it's never gratuitous. That's why that toe cutting scene was so powerful - it already stood out as one of the most seriously violent moments in the show. Adding more to it would only diminish its impact rather than strengthen it.

Now you might want to mention Lucius losing his finger, and the way it didn't happen immediately and went from a minor injury played for laughs to a serious infection with a significant time gap, but that's a very different case. There was a comedic contrast here, a very minor injury that happened in comical circumstances (Buttons accidentally biting Lucius's finger) unexpectedly turning into something serious. But Izzy losing his toe was taken seriously from the very start, there was nothing comical about it. There already was an expectation that it could turn into something worse... but it didn't. And Lucius having his finger cut off wasn't portrayed as a punishment, just bad luck, a realistic moment on a 17th century pirate ship. It led to a cute and significant moment between Lucius and Black Pete, but other than that it could have happened to anyone. And he only lost that one finger. If he got a finger bite and ended up losing his whole forearm, that would have been way too cruel and out of character for this show.

So, what's my take then, you ask? Well, I don't really have anything concrete. Except, we know that the real Blackbeard shot Izzy in the knee. I know OFMD isn't trying to be historically accurate, not when it comes to the characters at least, but they could still use that bit for inspiration. Maybe Ed does shoot at Izzy. Or maybe Ed tries to shoot at Stede, but Izzy gets in the way. Or maybe Stede does something really stupid and Izzy gets shot or injured trying to protect him - no really, think about it, they're practically glued at the hip in the trailer. They're having a friendly banter. They're gonna be friends. Getting himself injured while trying to protect Stede would be a major milestone in Izzy's redemption arc. It would even explain that bit in the trailer where an already peg-legged Izzy punched Stede in the gut. It wasn't a hateful punch, you could tell he wasn't really trying to hurt Stede. It looked more like punching your buddy out of anger when they did something really, really stupid that got both of you in trouble.

Honestly, I'm open to pretty much any theory, except the toe infection because it's boring af and makes no sense.