#And I end up with the following list of tags:

[tweedlydumbtweedlydoo]

You're a Dead Man (Part 2) | JJ Maybank x Routledge!reader

Summary: After JJ has a run in with his father, he begins to spiral and doubt his abilities to be a father, leaving you wondering if you're going to be a single mom.

A/N: A couple people requested part 2 and a great anon gave me this idea! Hope you like it. Link for part 1 is down below, but this could probably be read as a stand alone too!

|||| Part 1 ||||

Tag list is at the end. Let me know if you want to be added xx

Go follow my fic rec blog! ---> @imaginationgonewild0912

**MASTERLIST**

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********************************************************************************************NOT MY GIF, CREDIT TO OWNERS

“What do you know about being a dad? You’re gonna fuck that kid up just like I fucked you up.”

JJ replays the conversation with is dad over and over in his head. The anxiety growing even more intense. His hand shakes as he presses it into his heart.

He didn’t know anything about being a dad. His dad was right with that one. JJ had the bad genes; Alcoholics, drug addicts. The reoccurring jail time. The dead beat dads. It all ran in his family. A never ending vicious cycle that he was going to be continuing.

You recently had your scan, finding out you and JJ would be welcoming a baby boy into the world 20 weeks from now. A mini JJ. After needing to get back to work, both you and JJ split ways and headed back to work.

He was working on a boat motor in the local shop when his boss came to him, “Maybank, you got a visitor.” He threw his thumb over his shoulder.

JJ glanced up, expecting you or one of the pogues but didn’t expect to see his dad there, taking a drag of his cigarette, a subtle sway in his posture.

JJ mentally cursed, not wanting to deal with this.

“Take it out back. I can’t have customers walking up on his bullshit today.” His boss instructs, knowing Luke enough.

JJ wipes his greasy hands on his rag and jumps down from the ladder of the boat, heading toward his dad. “What the hell do you want?” He motions over to the right with his head, walking toward the side of the shop, Luke following with a stumble.

“Jesus Christ.” JJ mutters, smelling the alcohol on his breath.

“Heard you’re gonna be a dad.” Luke says with a slur.

JJ places his hands on his hips and nods, replying with a nonchalant, “yup.”

Luke sniffs, wiping his hand against his nose, “What do you know about being a dad? You’re gonna fuck that kid up just like I fucked you up.”

JJ couldn't believe his ears, “Did you seriously come all the way down here just to say this? I got work to do.” JJ begins to walk away but Luke roughly grabs him by the arm, “I’m not done talking to you, boy! Don’t you walk away from me.”

“You know it’s true. Do the kid a favor and stay away from him. We don’t need another fucked up Maybank in the world. Look at you, working at the local boat shop. You’ll never make it at anything else. You’ll never be able to give the kid a good life. Face it," Luke takes a step toward JJ, pointing an accusing finger in his face, "you’ll end up just like me, drunk trying to make it by in life wondering where it all went to shit.”

JJ rips his arm from Luke’s tight grasp, a red mark left behind, “you have no idea of what kind of dad I’ll be. As far as I’m concerned I know exactly what kind of dad not to be.” He starts to walk away, Luke continuing to slur and insult him.

“JJ you’re going to be a shit of a father! Don't say I didn't warn you. You'll be a sorry son of a bitch bringing a kid into this world!"

~

JJ's thoughts were running rampant. His mind slowly convincing itself his dad was right. He would never be a good father. He didn't know how to be a father. You and the baby deserved better than what he could offer you.

The old rock music thumping in his ears as he opened the wooden door. It smelled like cigarette smoke. The place started to get full as everyone begins to get off work.

"What can I get you?" The barkeep asks, cleaning the bar top in front of him.

JJ has his chance to back out of this. He glances down at his watch, you'd probably just be getting off of work and heading home. You told him at the doctor's appointment you would fix his favorite tonight. It was you and JJ's turn to fix dinner for the Pogues.

He knew he needed to leave and go home but his mind pushed his legs forward, taking a seat at the bar. He knew addiction ran in his family and this was bound to happen to him. His dad was right. Might as well speed things along.

"Whisky."

~

As you came close to finishing dinner, you glanced at your phone again, nothing from JJ. He should have been home by now. You'd called and texted but no response, you began to worry.

"Hey sis," John B greeted coming through the front door, Sarah following behind.

"How did your appointment go?" Sarah asks with a smile, pushing past John B to greet you. She was just as excited as you to find out the gender. Sarah had a bet with Kie - it was gonna be a girl. She just knew it and even placed a bet on it. She immediately frowns at your worried appearance, "What's wrong?"

"JJ should be home by now and I can't get in touch with him."

"Maybe he got stuck working late? I know he said he had to finish building that motor and wanted to get it done today." John B shrugs it off, popping one of the veggie pieces in his mouth, "I wouldn't worry too much about it."

"Yeah but," you shake your head, "He usually would at least send me a text to let me know. He knew I was cooking his favorite tonight and he said he wouldn't miss it. Somethings wrong, I can feel it." You place a hand on your growing bump, a sense of uneasiness flooding over you.

"Have you tried calling him?" Sarah asks, leaning against the counter with her arms crossed, "Like John B said maybe he's busy."

"I've called and texted." You look between your brother and Sarah, "Something's wrong, John B."

He sighs with a nod. He didn't need to hear anything else from you, he can see it was truly bothering you. "I'll find him."

"Thank you." You say softly.

He nods and kisses your head, "Anything for you."

~

JJ couldn't remember which drink he was on. 8? maybe 9? He was slurring his words, swaying. He'd become the center of attention at the bar, talking with a few people, laughing it up. He could feel his phone buzz and checked it, blinking his eyes to try and focus. The thinks it says John B but he can't be for sure.

One of the guys he'd been talking to slapped him on the shoulder, pulling him from his thoughts, he slid the phone back in his pocket.

"Another drink," JJ slaps the bar top.

"You sure? I think you've had enough," The bartender states.

"Oh come on, man, give him what he wants!" One of the guys says, "The fun is just getting started."

JJ saw the little baggie and the guys crazy eyes. JJ raised his eyebrows, "I don't know man." Even in his drunken state, you flash across his mind.

The guy places a hand on JJ's shoulder, "Live a little. You deserve it." And so JJ follows the guy and a few buddies out back.

~

John B went by his work to find the shop closed and moved on to a couple places to check. It was the 4th place, Blackbeards Bar, that he finally had someone say they saw JJ, but when he went to check out behind the bar, JJ and those guys were no where to be found. John B filled with dread.

He drove the Twinkie through town, looking left and right for any sign of JJ but didn't see him. He reluctantly returned back to the chateau where you and Sarah sat around the table. He dreaded having to return without JJ and explain where he was last seen. The bar was known to be occupied by the drunks and druggies. Luke was a frequent customer.

He could tell you'd been crying. You stood when he opened the door, "Did you find him?"

John B shook his head and saw your hopes get crushed, your body physically showing the signs. Your shoulders dropped, "he has to be out there somewhere, John B. Maybe you didn't look hard enough-" You snatched your keys off the table, storming past him, but he steps in front of you, "I looked everywhere. Y/n he was last seen at Blackbeards."

"he wouldn't-" you shook your head, "It had to be a mistake."

"He was seen with Luke's crowd, y/n."

And your world came crushing down.

~

JJ didn't know how he'd done it and made it all the way to the chateau but he did. He stumbled up the front stairs. The lights, indoor and out were on. He hoped he hadn't missed dinner. You'd cooked his favorite and he was starving. He belched as he kicked his shoes off, stumbling into the nearby shelf, something came crashing down. He giggled to himself, "Oh fuck."

The door swung open, there you stood in your gown and robe. He closed one eye, squinting to focus in on you and gives you a drunk grin, "there's my baby."

He's taken aback as you lunge at him, hands hitting his chest. it sends him flying back into the porch post. You probably could have just done it with your finger and knocked him over at how drunk and high he was.

"What the fuck?!" He manages to catch himself, "What the fuck was that for?!"

"You stupid son of a bitch! Do you know how worried I've been? It's 4 o clock in the morning! I was about to call the police!"

John B and the other Pogues stood at the door, watching this scene unfold. They committed to staying up with you, hoping to keep you company and keep you calm. You were only a few minutes from having another breakdown.

"Oh shit," JJ laughs, "It's 4 am? Time flies when you're having fun then." He straightens himself up, but stays with his back pressed against the post to keep himself from swaying. It didn't stop the room from spinning.

You didn't know whether to cry or scream. You were beyond angry; heartbroken that JJ had put you through something like this. Pregnancy hormones only made it worse. It was only in the light, you could see the white powder on his nostrils.

"Is that coke?" You ask in disbelief, pointing to his nose.

He quickly wipes it away with his sleeve, "no-"

You cry out, absolutely frustrated, "JJ, what the fuck is wrong with you! This isn't you. You're out late, drinking and now doing drugs with some of your dad's buddies? We're going to have a baby in 4 months. You can't do shit like this. You can't spiral. You have responsibilities!"

JJ could feel his anger boiling, threatening to blow. His entire body going hot, his face growing red, as he points an accusing finger in your face, "You don't get to tell me what to do."

You'd seen JJ get angry before, but had never had it directed at you. You couldn't believe you were about to say this, but he looked like Luke staring back. You could feel John B's presence beside you, ready to defend his sister. He didn't like the crazy look in JJ's eyes or how he threatened you.

You straighten your back, showing JJ you weren't afraid of him. You were pissed he'd done something like this, but when you thought more about it, there had to have been something that set JJ off. He was so happy at the appointment. Nervous, but excited to find out he was having a boy. He even made the comment, "My son will never feel the way I did."

From the time you departed to back to work, something had changed and the only thing that could have set JJ off would be his dad. You knew his anger wasn't meant for you.

JJ surrenders, "Go ahead, yell at me. Tell me how horrible of a dad I'm gonna be. How I'm gonna fuck that kid up just like I'm fucked up." He holds his arms out at his side, "The kid doesn't need me. If anything he's better off without me. You're better off without me." His eyes fill with tears, "I don't deserve this. I don't deserve a happy ending." JJ is defeated and emotional.

Your heart aches at the fact JJ would ever think that way about himself. He'd already proven to be a better dad than Luke would ever be and your son wasn't even in this world yet. "Is that what Luke told you? That you're going to be a horrible dad?"

JJ wouldn't meet your eyes. You step forward, hands cupping his jawline, willing him to look at you, "JJ Maybank, you've already proven you will be an amazing dad and our baby isn't even earth side yet. Me and him both will never be better without you because you complete us, you make this family whole." Tears fill in your eyes, seeing his doing the same, "You never felt a father's love and that has been your encouragement from the beginning. You know exactly how to be a father because you have first hand of what not to do. You've stepped up and become more than a father than your own will ever be."

JJ relinquishes into you, sobs racked his body as he held onto you as if you were his lifeline.

"shhh..." You ran your fingers through his hair in a calming manner, holding him. You stayed like that for a while, holding each other before you were able to lead him into the house where he passes out on the couch.

~

JJ sulks onto the front porch, his head pounding and body feeling like he was hit by a bus. You're leaned against railing, gazing out to the water. It was a calm morning.

"Morning," His voice is husky and he smells clean as he approaches you.

You glance at him, his hair is wet and he's in clean clothes. At least he showered. He reeked last night. "Morning."

"about last night-" He scratches the back of his neck. It had come back to him in pieces but he knew enough to know what happened last night - or well this morning.

"I'm only going to say this once." You're stern as you face him, "If you ever pull the shit you did last night, you won't have anyone to come home to. I'm here for you JJ, always. And you can't spiral like that ever again." You rub a hand over your bump, "Are we in an understanding?"

He nods, "I can't even begin to apologize or have the words. I should have come home to you two." He places an uneasy hand on your belly, "I'm not him. I never will be."

"I know you aren't." You loop your arms around his middle, laying your head against his chest, "You're more than he will ever be."

~

I hope you all enjoyed this part two and I hope I did it justice for those who asked for it! I feel like I'm still a little rusty as I get back into writing here and there, so please be nice and be patient.

Likes, comments and reblogs are always greatly appreciated!

[loveandleases]

G's, M's and Isaac's most embarassing memory (for G with and without MC if possible?), most fond, most cherished?

Sure thing! Going to put it under a cut because it got quite long.

💙 G

Most Embarrassing: The first time G's parents came to visit them at Uni, a certain roommate was having sex in the room, and G's parents thought it was G x Chris.

Most Fond: Back in Uni, G, Cam, and MC would pull all-nighters at the cafe. Early on G was following in their parent's footsteps of going to medical school with the end goal of becoming a surgeon. They really struggled and one of their ways of coping was drawing in the margins of their books or even Cam and MC's. The pages would have a little dog or a cat, just dressed in a lab coat.

One late night, after a long cram session, G was exhausted and a bit vulnerable. Cam was listing off random get-rich-quick schemes so that he could drop out and just become a photographer. (Each idea worse than the previous one). MC glanced over at G, noticed one of their doodles, and said, "You'd probably treat patients better if they had fur."

It was such a simple, offhanded comment. But that night, something about it just resonated with G. The thought just lingered, and for the first time, they were considering what they might want. That one little sentence from MC became a catalyst, it planted a seed of doubt about their future - and it threw their plan on its head. Regardless of what happened between them, they can fondly reflect on that moment in time. Because that comment changed their life for the better.

Most Cherished: (Ex) Their first kiss with MC (which was also G's first kiss.) It was unexpected, yet everything they could have hoped for if they allowed themselves to dream big. (Ex/Friend) When G was in the process of figuring out if they wanted to be a Vet, they had gotten Cam to agree to come with them to volunteer at an animal shelter. They were tasked with bathing the animals. Which was fine....at first. About 6 animals in, G had noticed that Cam kept scratching, to the point that he thought he was having an allergic reaction. Nope, Cam just caught fleas. So, every Christmas. G gifts Cam flea shampoo. The tag always says “Just a little something for our favorite shelter stray.”

💛 M

Most Embarrassing: Before M was a writer, they used to work at the cafe. One day a person walked up to them and asked them out.

“Hey, would you maybe want to go out sometime?”

M, as oblivious as ever, misunderstood completely and thought they were being asked if the person wanted their order taken outside. Without missing a beat, M grabbed the person’s coffee, nodded enthusiastically, and said, “Sure, I can take that outside for you.””

The person was so confused as M casually walked to the door, set the order down on the sidewalk, and gave a little wave. “There you go, all set!”

In the person’s eyes, not only did they get turned down for a date, but M had essentially kicked them out while smiling.

Most Fond: M had struggled for years trying to get published. There would be days when they were supposed to be helping in the kitchen of the cafe, but instead, they were jotting down things for their book on stray pieces of paper. They read all the books you will find in the Cafe, leafing through them hoping that each bit of knowledge they gained would help them become a better writer.

It wasn't needed, but M was certain there was just something wrong with their work. Until one day, it just happened. Their manuscript was accepted. The first people they called were their mom's. It was one of the best moments in M's life thus far. Even though they were barely able to afford rent, and the only food in their fridge was a jar of marmalade.

Most Cherished: After their first book was published and it picked up traction, it became quite popular. M was struggling with writer's block, which they tend to do. So they visited the cafe and the first thing they saw on the counter, was a copy of their book. M had thought about giving up so many times, but to be in that place it was a full circle moment for them.

💜 Isaac

Most Embarrassing: Isaac and Ardent used to have a thing. One day the two of them are in the little elevator of Ardent's apartment building. Their hands are roaming one another's bodies, sliding underneath fabric, both of them caught up in the heat of the moment. Now imagine their surprise when the first face and voice they see is Ardent's mother when the elevator door opens.

Most Fond: When they became sober, truly sober. Kara really kept Isaac in check, and reminded him what he was doing it for. Who he was doing it for. It took a lot to get to that point, and Isaac doesn't believe they could have done it without Kara there to support them.

Most Cherished: Spoiler, but I can say it involves their mother.

[lara-cairncross]

Hi! how are you? I hope fine!

I wanted to know if you could recommend me some Mikey angst fanfics. I feel like I've read them all and at the same time I haven't, hehe.

Love your fairy AU its verry beautyful

(My english is not the best 😅)

heya! i'm glad you like the au :D

I can definitely give u some recommendations for michelangelo fanfics! can't guarantee you haven't read them already, but hopefully a few of them are novel. also gonna tag @roronoacoldbrew, @desterea, and @appleblondie0397, cuz y'all asked for some mikey recs too!

I'm not gonna include all my recs, cuz that would take ages, but I DO have a collection on Ao3 that has like, ~250 entries. and they're 90% mikey-centric, sooooo there's a lot more there! it's linked at the bottom of this post :D

i'll be your detonator -> rottmnt, 4k one-shot, oh my god this fic/series deserves so much more attention. bad future timeline, follows Mikey being THE coolest motherfucker while having several mental breakdowns and arguing with Leo and missing his brothers a lot. the writing style of this author is probably my favorite on this entire list-- like, I would read a novel written like this!!! please read it oh my GOD. and then message me to tell me you read it so I can have somebody to talk about it with I LOVE THIS FIC SO MUCH

atrophy -> 2012, 36k two-shot. ohhhhh boy this one is NOTHING but angst. follows Mikey reflecting on his life and his relationships with his brothers, right before a suicide attempt. second chapter is his brothers reflecting on their relationships with him as they try to save his life. if I'm being honest, the language is a little too flowery for my taste at certain points? but it's also VERY visceral and graphic, and if you're looking for angst this is literally as angsty as it gets!! like seriously check the tags on this one

1660 days ago -> rottmnt, 4k one-shot human au that isn't exactly mikey-centric?? but basically, follows Donnie's POV after he, Raph, and Leo all die in their family home and stay behind as ghosts. Mikey is a little kid who moves in and is the only one who can see them, and they all begrudgingly adore him. ITS SO CUTE AND IT NEEDS MORE ATTENTION PLEASE. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

over the rainbow -> 2012 x rottmnt, by @vanillavengeance! I think a lot of people have read their other fic (which is also amazing and definitely recommended), but their most recent one is SO GOOD ALREADY and it deserves more attention. Rise!Mikey opens a portal as a tot, falls straight into the 2012 verse, and gets found by Karai-- so he ends up in the hands of the Foot Clan! SUCH good Mikey angst and the relationship between 2012 Raph and Rise Mikey is absolutely adorable, I love them so much :,) 2012 RAPH IS SUCH A BIG BROTHER AND I WILL NEVER SHUT UP ABOUT IT

house away from home -> 2012, AuDHD Mikey rep!! and also anxiety and self-esteem issues and dysfunctional family activities and swufhehnfenhhjrr HEY I LOVE THIS FIC but it does. hit a little close to home. REALLY WELL WRITTEN AND FANTASTIC EMOTIONAL ANGST THO! and also Woody is here :D completed, but the author has it listed as 3/4 chapters, so don't be scared off by that!

choose wisely (or at all) -> rottmnt, 8k one-shot, turtle tots!!! this one is SO CUTE omg-- basically, Mikey is his brothers' favorite playmate, but because he's so little all three of them just kinda??? make him play whatever they wanna play? LIKE ok it's hard to explain but it's literally just a fic about little kids messing around and how being the youngest sibling sucks and learning to speak up for urself and it's PERFECT. THIS IS MY COMFORT FIC. its sweet its fluffy its (slightly) angsty and i love it dearly!!!!

stalling -> 2012, 1k one-shot. VERY short but pure Mikey angst. he stays behind to fight Shredder to give his human siblings time to escape and warn the other turtles :,)

walk with open hands -> 2012, 10k two-shot by @goodlucktai. Mikey gets his hands on one of Renet's time-traveling clocks after Splinter dies, and jumps around the timeline to try and save him. takes some really cool cues from Rise!Mikey's powers! GOD I CANNOT RECOMMEND THIS FIC ENOUGH. like this altered my brain chemistry the first time I read it.

--actually now that I think about it. basically ANYTHING BY THIS AUTHOR IS AMAZING. so much fantastic 2012 Mikey-centric stuff!!! you do have to go back to their older works, since most of their recent fics have been about Rise Leo-- but it's worth it! a few of my other favorites by them are:

the entire give up the ghost series -> 2012 human au where Donnie dies, Mikey is the only one who can see him, and he becomes a paranormal investigator in college because of it;

problem child -> 2012 human/highschool au that's basically 100k words of the 2012 boys fucking around and being family and overcoming difficulties together and Mikey being the most annoying lovable golden-retriever ray of sunshine to ever exist;

traveling so far to get there -> 2012 one-shot where Mikey and Raph end up in a post-apocalyptic world and just kinda,,, chill? until they don't. idk how to explain it but it's really fun, I love how Mikey and Raph's dynamic is written here :D

either way, we're not alone -> rottmnt, 16k one-shot that takes place over the course of the Kraang invasion in the bad future timeline, all from Mikey's POV. another one that doesn't have NEARLY as many hits as it deserves oh my god-- I love love love fics that take a look at this timeline and how fucked up it was! and this is a rly nice mikey-centric one :)

promise -> rottmnt, 8k two-shot by @dysfunctional-doodle. Listen this author has so many amazing Mikey fics from basically every iteration, BUT. THIS ONE. THIS FIC IN PARTICULAR. IS ABSOLUTELY MY FAVORITE. follows Mikey in the good timeline as he grows his mystic powers, with the caveat that he starts seeing visions of the future. I ain't spoiling anything more than that but GOD plz read this one it makes me insane, and the second chapter??? HEARTBREAKING the angst is 10/10. I also really really love this fic by the same author, so that's another one I recommend checking out if you haven't read it before!

big siblings, big family -> 2012, 2k one-shot. this one's pretty short BUT ITS SO CUTE. Mikey gets sick with a virus that only infects mutants, so all his human siblings get to take care of him-- featuring big brother Casey and big sister April and big sister Karai, and hey. hey what if I screamed. i love this concept so much THOSE ARE HIS BIG SIBLINGS!!! AND HE'S THEIR LITTLE BROTHER!!!! this makes me so happy, not super angsty but Mikey does get REALLY sick so you can count it as hurt/comfort :D

orenjinohana -> rottmnt, currently 120k+ words by @geoblitzz and @urlocalllama!! this fic is SO fucking angsty and delicious and terrifying,,, like I would get sick to my stomach with anxiety whenever a new chapter dropped. Mikey catches the eye of a really dangerous yokai and gets kidnapped, abuse and gaslighting and angst ensue. you gotta be especially careful with the tags/trigger warnings on this one tho-- not gonna spoil too much, but things get dark. this fic isn't complete, but it's reached a very natural end to its first arc in my opinion? so you can finish it without feeling like you've read an incomplete fic :) also check the comment section on every chapter if u wanna see me going insane I LOVE THIS FIC SO MUCH

the better half of better things -> 2012, 4k one-shot, ITS SO FUCKING CUTE. Mikey and Leo hanging out at 3am, Leo comes out as transfem to Mikey, sibling bonding ensues. this is another author that I LOVE the writing style of, but this time it's more for their humor??? like the comedic timing in their fics is SO GOOD. this fic in particular is my favorite but they've written some really fun Rise ones too! not angsty at all but as the CEO of baja blast duo I needed to include it lmao

wanting, getting, needing -> rottmnt, 2.5k one-shot. Mikey dies saving Leo during the events of the movie, and everything kinda falls apart without him. this one's pretty short but ngl I LOVE this concept, Mikey is always depicted as the heart of the team in every iteration so it's super fun to see what happens when he's no longer there!

remember your mission -> 2012, 60k words. IT'S A FUCKING MIKEY-CENTRIC PACIFIC RIM AU. I love this fic to death. it's got ANGST it's got COMFORT it's got SIBLING BONDING it's got,,,, MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH. but also the sillies being silly!!! anyway the ending broke me. read this one at ur own risk but like,,, DO ACTUALLY READ IT LMAO and then. once again. yell at me that you did so I can talk to somebody about it. Mikey being able to drift with basically any of his family members??? and the four main boys all being interchangeable because they're just THAT close????? perfection

someone to protect -> 2012, 3k one-shot. Mikey's brothers get turtlenapped during a mission that goes wrong, he gets to be a badass and rescue them, and ends up getting seriously injured in the process. hurt and comfort! yay!

our hearts beat louder (than thunder) -> rottmnt, currently 5k words by @belleyells and still being updated as far as I know! Mikey gets injured during a battle and loses his memory; cue older brothers being worried sick and trying to prevent Mikey from freaking out and being scared of them. I'm so excited to see where this one is going!! it's angsty, but Mikey with memory loss is also just,,, really fun to read about in my opinion ahdhehfhrh

the night at rucker park -> rottmnt, 78k words. Shellshocked fic!!! honestly, one of the few Mikey/Miles fics where I feel like both of them are characterized really accurately? anyway its ~80k words of the two of them falling in love and fucking around and being idiots and-- in Miles' case-- slowly experiencing cellular decay! Yay for angst! I know I keep saying this but GOD I LOVE THIS FIC. IT DESERVES MORE ATTENTION. give it some love plz, it's also one of the only finished Shellshocked multi-chapter fics I could find (coming from somebody who currently has an unfinished multi-chapter Shellshocked fic shhhhhh)

be like your brothers (and never like yourself) -> 2012, 25k words. this is another author who has so many FANTASTIC mikey-centric fics from multiple iterations, but this one is definitely my favorite from them!! Mikey's self-worth is so low that he starts picking up specific traits from each of his brothers in an effort to be more "useful", which. doesn't go very well. very angsty, lots of mikey hurting (emotionally and physically), but also pretty cute at the end! hurt/comfort my beloved mwah <333 I LOVE THIS FIC SO MUCH something about it itches my brain

feed me poison till i drown -> 2007, 8k one-shot. Leo leaves, everything kinda falls apart, aaaaand Mikey ends up being convinced to join the Foot Clan by Karai! and the eventually his brothers find out and everything goes very terribly wrong. and i love it. the ending is also left up to interpretation, so it's a really cool read! not super angsty, but Karai's mind games leave Mikey as an unreliable narrator, and the breakdown of his relationship with his family is really well done :D plus anything with Karai and Mikey bonding makes me happy sooooooo

trust is earned (not freely given) -> 2007, 2.5k one-shot, from the same author as the previous entry I believe? mikey's brothers slowly realize that something is wrong with him-- they can't read his emotions or his actions anymore, he dodges questions, etc etc. eventually donnie realizes that they fucked up and he doesn't know how to fix it! no real resolution, just angst and dysfunctional families YAY

when you can't sleep at night -> rottmnt, 7k one-shot. follows three separate instances in Mikey's life where he had trouble falling asleep for whatever reason, went to his brothers for help, and got all the sibling love and comfort he deserves :D primarily fluffy but there's definitely some hurt/comfort in here, especially for the part that takes place after the events of the movie! this is another comfort fic for me ahdhehfhher it's just. very cute. and it reminds me SO MUCH of my little brother when he was a toddler SO IT MAKES ME FEEL SAD AND HAPPY AT THE SAME TIME RAHHHHH

so, I guess we all have issues -> 2012, 122k, human au. OH MY GOD. LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN EVERYTHING BY THIS AUTHOR IS SOME OF THE BEST SHIT YOU'LL READ IN THIS FANDOM BUT THIS FIC IN PARTICULAR WAS SOOOOO FUCKING GOOD. super fucking angsty, but also a lot of sibling bonding??? technically found family??? basically, the 2012 boys all get reincarnated as humans, but Mikey is the only one who remembers their past lives and the fact that they're siblings. he goes on this whole journey to find out where Leo and Raph and Donnie ended up (kinda? cuz in the end they all sort of come to HIM instead but yknow), and has to convince them of the fact that they were mutant ninja turtles in a past life. so that's fun! also raph is trans and leo has PTSD and donnie is struggling as a child genius AND ITS SO GOOD AND SO ANGSTY AND SO FLUFFY AND ITS COMPLETED SO THERES NO REASON WHY YOU SHOULDNT READ THIS RIGHT FUCKING NOW RAHHHHHH

other fics (specifically mikey-centric) by the same author because i swear to god they're LEGENDARY TO ME:

on the flipside -> rottmnt one-shot where April and the boys get hit with some kind of species-swap spell, and April ends up as a mutant turtle while the boys end up as humans;

exhaust trails through space -> 2012 one-shot where Donnie and Mikey need a fucking vacation from Earth (don't we all), so Donnie gets a spaceship from Bishop and Pb&J duo get to fuck around the cosmos for a few weeks and ignore their problems while actually enjoying each others' company;

(un)reality -> 2012 two-shot where Mikey gets captured by the Kraang during his stint in Dimension X and basically gets brainwashed to the point where he tries to kill his brothers when they finally come for him;

play the fool, pity the fool -> 2012 two-shot with MEGA depressed Mikey, this one in particular is really well written-- his downward spiral into depression, his suicide attempt, and his eventual recovery are all written beautifully and realistically and MMM it's so fucking good;

if i could have it back -> 2012 one-shot human au/apocalypse/zombie au, where Mikey and Donnie get separated from the rest of their family and have to survive long enough to find them again;

these days -> 2012 multichapter, unfinished BUT basically Mikey and Donnie get fed up with the way Leo and Raph are acting after Splinter's death (this fic definitely bashes them a little but it's still a good read), and decide to leave the lair and build their own home away from their dysfunctional family;

division difference -> 2012 multichapter, also sadly unfinished BUT it's about Donnie and Mikey getting separated from Splinter and their brothers as tots and growing up feral-- super intriguing concept, and very well written :DD

the broken and the helper -> rottmnt, 9k words. Mikey playing therapist for literally his whole family except himself and completely burning out. and then his brothers figure that out and talk to him and its all very fluffy and sweet in the end and sometimes that's what i need. not super angsty, but definitely hurt/comfort!

angelo -> rottmnt, 4k one-shot. AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MIKEY GETTING THE NICKNAME "ANGELO" FROM LEO BC LEO SEES HIM AS A GUARDIAN ANGEL. baja blast duo fics you have such a special place in my heart (I need more of them) AND THIS ONE IS JUST SO CUTE IM SORRY. a little bit of angst bc of,,,, movie events? but still very cute :)

consuming darkness -> 2012, 68k words. Mikey messes up on a mission and it ends up getting Donnie seriously injured. he gets blamed by his brothers, internalizes it, gets serious with his training and basically becomes this like??? cold-blooded murderer on a revenge mission??? LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN I am. SUCH a lover stories where a character loses/sacrifices everything about their personality to become what they think everyone wants them to be. THIS IS THAT STORY. and then when Raph and Leo realize what's happened to Mikey and have no idea how to "fix" him??? THATS THE GOOD SHIT OH MY GOD. love this fic inject it straight into my veins. on fanfiction.net instead of ao3 (and sadly unfinished), but it's really good for Mikey angst :3

new tricks -> 2012, 3k one-shot, another one from fanfic.net! this one isn't angsty at all, just Mikey and Splinter hanging and bonding together :D I love it though, it's such a cute little fic and very comforting to read ahdhehfhehfhr

no one is alone -> rottmnt, 23k words currently! follows Mikey dealing with everyone's emotional shit after the events of the movie,,,, except his own obviously lmao so he turns to self-harm as a way to relieve stress and anxiety, eventually gets found out, anddddd his brothers help him through recovery :) it's currently unfinished but still being updated as far as I know, and if you want angst, there you go!

temporal differential -> 2012, 7k one-shot. follows Mikey getting stuck in Dimension X for a lot longer than he lets on, and losing hope of his brothers finding him. this one's part of a mini series that kinda revolves around Mikey's time there? and the aftermath? there's a ton of fics that follow this concept but this one isn't tagged very well and doesn't have a lot of hits, so there's a chance you haven't read it if you're looking for new Mikey angst fics to read! plus mikey gets to be smart :333

breakfast for sensei -> 2012, 6.5k one-shot. WHILE WE'RE ON THE TOPIC OF DIMENSION X. this one's about the aftermath!!! AND it has Mikey and Splinter bonding at 3am so I love it so so so dearly. Mikey struggles a lot with nightmares and insomnia after he gets stuck in Dimension X, and eventually opens up to Splinter about his time there and how LONG he was alone and gets some much-needed advice and love. good angst, good comfort, Splinter being a good dad, love love love this one. plus you get a free breakfast recipe! yay!

we'll burn them down -> 2012, 9k one-shot. OKAY LAST ONE ABOUT DIMENSION X I PROMISE. sunset duo focus-- Raph is the first one to figure out that something is off with Mikey, and he's gotta decide how to deal with it! Mikey gets to be a scary badass after surviving alone for so long, Raph gets to be a worried older brother, and Donnie,,,, gets to be there too i guess lmao like i said it's very much a sunset duo fic. enjoy the angst! the hurt/comfort! it's lovely!

empty canvas -> rottmnt, 43k words. I honestly don't remember a lot about this one, BUT Mikey basically takes Leo's place in the prison dimension after opening the portal to get him out?? very very angsty, lots of hurt Mikey! sadly it's unfinished (and it doesn't seem like it'll be updated anytime soon), but what's there definitely qualifies as Mikey angst if that's what you're looking for :) and ofc lots of worried older brothers, which I adore.

--and then ofc, I have a bunch of my own Mikey-centric fics here! I've really only written for Rise so far, but I'm dedicated to mikey angst o7

and like I said, I also have a whole collection on ao3 dedicated just to my favorite TMNT fics! there's genuinely SO MANY MORE I could recommend, but I tried to stick to ones that are older/don't have as many hits?? Kinda?

The rest of my recs would be in this collection! Most are Mikey-centric, but there's a few in there for the other boys too:

for my rottmnt hyperfix | Archive of Our Own

I should warn you though-- I didn't have my collection moderated originally, so people could add their own fics to the collection if they wanted! but then some weirdo Tc*ster ended up adding their shit to it, and I'm pretty sure there's at LEAST one tc*st fic in there somewhere. I've locked it down since then and don't allow outside contributions anymore, but you might wanna filter those tags out :( I contacted ao3 about removing those fics but I never heard anything back. just a warning!!

anyway. hopefully this is helpful for the, like, five people who ALSO feel like they've read every single Mikey fic in existence lmao

[szynkaaa]

The Tragedy of Bull King, Red Boy and Princess Iron-Fan

me: does a poll for people to vote on between the Daoist Mi Lore or Kingdom of the Flowing Sand rats Also me: alright imma write about something else entirely

I will be tackling the Bull King's Family lore according to Black Myth Wukong, since the devs did change some things from the original JTTW books + my own interpretation and thoughts. You can find my other posts under the Black Myth Rambling tag

TW: Rape, forced childbirth, suicide

Will be abbreviating some names or calling them by a different name: Bull King = BK Princess Rakshasi = Princess Iron Fan Sun Wukong =SWK Red Boy = RB Mount Lingshan = Western Heaven Celestial Court = Eastern Heaven Taishang Laojun (the furnace guy) = TSLJ Keeper of the Flaming Mountain = furnace boy

I will try my best to tell all of this in chronological order to make sense of the timeline. Some events it is not very clear if it happened before or after this and that, so I listed them up in the order that I think it happened.

Some Backstory:

Both the Yaksha Kingdom and Kingdom of Rakshasa were destroyed by Mt. Lingshan

In the past, the Yaksha King was betrayed by the celestial beings, leading to the massacre of the royal family and the downfall of the Yaksha Kingdom. After the kingdom's collapse, the yakshas were forced into exile.

Yaksha Archer journal entry

When a formidable enemy attacked, the Yaksha King appointed Mi Yan as the vanguard general. [...] Despite their valor, the Kingdom of Yaksha was ultimately destroyed, but not a single soldier from Mi Yan's army deserted.

Red-haired Yaksha journal entry

Along with the fall of the Yaksha Kingdom, the Rakshasa Kingdom, due to their kinship with the yakshas, also met its end.

Thunder Rhino Master journal entry

From the Sea Rakshasa Journal entry:

from the entry, we gather that Princess Iron Fan was a princess of the kingdom of Rakshasa beyond the Western sea

Kingdom fell, they escorted the princess eastwards, and made a new home in the Flaming Mountains. Strongly assuming this all happened before fire rained down to the mountain from the furnace being kicked over by SWK

Princess Iron Fan is described to have a kind heart

After her eastward migration, Rakshasi had a new Daoist master in the Celestial Court. Practicing Daoism in Buddhism's stead, Rakshasi marked a departure from her past.

also from the Thunder Rhino Journal entry

From the Keeper of the Flaming Mountain Entry

he's a bitch and doesn't give a shit about human lives lol

also hazed Princess Iron Fan

calling him furnace boy because that was literally his job in heaven lol, fanning the furnace. the same furnace SWK was cooking in for 40 days

His master is TSLJ, introduces him to Princess Iron Fan. She is his new disciple, but also furnace boy's senior. He calls her 师姐 shī jiě, with jiě meaning 'older sister'.

which, he is not happy about. and then says well since she is the senior she should be fanning the furnace.

and Princess Iron Fan being the queen she is, goes alright bet and does her job.

does NOT tattle on furnace boy. instead asks for a bigger fan because the one the boy gave her is too small.

and old man gives her hher signature Iron Fan.

Enter SWK, who springs outta the furnace, and flames fell down to Earth creating the Flaming Mountain.

Furnace boy is demoted to Keeper of Flaming Mountains

Iron Fan volunteered to go to mortal realm to help him. what a queen he did not deserve her

he learns then that the princess already has a cave where she chills and loyal followers (the Sea rakshasa)

TSLJ arranged the marriage between her and BK

realizes no matter how many dirty works he does for TSLJ, his master will never think furnace boy is worthy to be with her LOL. even his master knows what a trash he is

So we know that Princess Iron Fan and BK got married after SWK jumped out of the furnace

Here is a pic of Princess Iron Fan. Ain't putting one of Furnace Boy because he doesn't deserve it

The Yaksha King Lore

2nd phase of the Red Boy final boss battle in chapter 5.

Journal entry does not talk about the RB though, rather talks about the Red Boy's bio father. yes folk that's right, BK is not his bio dad in BMW

Mt. Lingshan wages war against the Yaksha Kingdom. Mount Lingshan is where Buddha resides and the final destination of the pilgrims in JTTW to retrieve the scriptures.

Yaksha King's son, a baby, recently died. Father is still carrying the infant in his arms. The King himself is gravely wounded

creepy ass dude shows up and is like "yeah I can help you to carry on your royal line and save your son, trust me bro"

"Whether the Yaksha royal lineage continues or ends depends entirely on your decision today." [...]

they extract the dead baby's soul into a red lotus flower before it could enter the cycle of reincarnation

They also need the life and the water of child-bearing river in

The figure clapped, and a white-clad Daoist emerged from behind. The Daoist approached the Yaksha King, bowed, then sat cross-legged on the ground. He extended his hands above the boy's head and began to chant softly. Before long, a small, blood-red lotus flower emerged slowly from the boy's forehead, crystal clear and vibrant. The Daoist carefully plucked the lotus and placed it into a bowl he carried. The Yaksha King fixed his unblinking gaze intently at the lotus. The figure said, "This red lotus is the essence of your son's soul. To ensure it does not dissipate before successful reincarnation, we will need your life and the water from the River of Childbearing."

White figure is Furnace Boy and his master is TSLJ. probably also what furnace boy refers to doing his master's dirty work

This is the same way Red Boy kills himself at the end of chapter 5, thus ending the royal Yaksha lineage

Here is an image of Red Boy

Princess Iron Fan was forced to drink the child-bearing water and give birth to the Red Boy

BK and SWK are sworn brothers, and he aids him fighting against the court, before SWK rebellion in heaven and was buried under a mountain for 500 years

We learn in the chapter 5 ending animation, that she was forced to drink from the water and give birth to Red Boy. BTW Highly recommend watching the ending animation

The way I understood this scene is that if it wasn't SWK, none of this would have happened, hence I believe they forced her to do it as a punishment for BK and probably to also keep his family in check

Princess Iron Fan says herself that carrying and giving birth to this child gave her a lot of pain, toppled with the fact that her husband doesn't really look at her anymore and pretends he doesn't know about Red Boy's origin and just overall keeps his distance. They still had a good relationship though as father and son

She still loved Red Boy very much and raised her like a son

"I ordered you to raise a child, but I did not ask you to be a true mother. Let the boy stir his trouble; as long as you and your husband stay out of it, you will be safe."

From Princess Rakshasi journal entry

Princess Iron Fan mentions that if the truth about Red Boy's origin gets exposed, the whole family is doomed. so yeah imo that's another thing pointing towards the court trying to control BK

This is also where Furnace Boy says that when Red Boy grows up, he is the living proof of the genocide that the Mount Lingshan committed ("He will be living proof... of the dark deeds of Mount Lingshan..")

TL;DR Western heaven destroyed the Yaksha and Rakshasa Kingdom, Eastern Heaven swooped in to claim the soul of the last Yaksha royal as blackmail material

BK has a fox lover, with him he conceives a child too: Pingping. We love Pingping, she has never done anything wrong in her life. We never meet the "real" Pingping in the game rip

Gang arrives, SWK wants to borrow the Iron Fan to get rid of the fire (his fault they rained down there btw LOL)

Princess Iron Fan was ready to hand out cause she knows if she doesn't there will be problem

Bull King cannot decide whose side to pick, which I guess demonstrate his indecision here, and also no choice is still a choice, which in turn turns into a bad one in this case here

Red Boy says no fuck that you can't have it. gets his ass beaten by monkey, and is then sent to be a disciple under Guanyin along with Black bear guai

Princess Iron Fan seeing her sweet sweet boy beaten refuses to hand out the fan now, gets attacked by the King.

The fox mistress is killed by Zhu Bajie

SWK tells him he should find a master to serve

BK pissed at how his wife and mistress were treated, lashes out.

Heavenly Court gets involved in the battle, Nezha subdues BK and beheads BK but don't worry he is not dead

BK is taken to heaven, converts to buddhism, serves heaven and then returns home

Pingping lives with Princess Iron Fan

enter the happy family era

From that day on, the Bull King's temperament changed drastically. His former wild and unrestrained nature was no longer seen. He declined all invitations, ceased his travels, and instead stayed in Flaming Mountains, helping Rakshasi with household affairs and training the bull soldiers, living a very peaceful life.

Bull King journal entry

red boy then also returns from Guanyin and they live happily together as a family of four for some time being

The he get summoned by the court to fight against SWK. by that tiem SWK has already attained buddahood, realized it's not for him and went back to Mt Huaguo. The heaven was not happy about that

SWK warns BK to not absorb the artifact, because that will fuck him up.

BK swallows the artifact, becomes depressed

At some point Red Boy also learns the truth about his origin, and demands the BK give him the artifact so he can take revenge on Heaven and avenge his bloodline

BK refuses

Red Boy wages war against BK

he also knocks out Pingping so he can take her form to mess with SWK and get the artifact from BK

and then pretty much everything from Chapter 5 happens, Red Boy's army fighting against BK's Army. BK himself is sitting depressed on the mouintain, injured and looking very skinny. We defeat Red Boy, BK spits out the artifact, Red Boy was not defeated and gets the artifact and aborbs it, turning into the Yaksha King

MEANWHILE our QUEEN Rakshasi tries to get help from her master and Buddha to stop the fight between father and son

she went to her master TSLJ, who is a dick and said. just let them do whatever, didn't ask you to raise the kid as your own son anyway. You just needed to give birth

she knows her son well and knows that the only way the siege would end is if he would die

Then goes to Mt Lingshan, to get revenge, carrying her fan, but she was not able to get revenge and is laughed at by everyone

A booming laughter echoed, deafening. Within that laughter, she heard the cries of an infant, the innocent giggles of a child, the roars of an adolescent, and the cycle of blooming and withering flowers, the growth of grass and the flight of orioles over millennia. She heard the embers extinguishing in the Flaming Mountains.

From her journal entry

so she senses that her son lost the battle or is close to death, so she rushes back home, like the fantastic mom she is

You can watch the cutscene here starting at 28:30 - highly recommend watching it to the end

She is begging DO to spare her son's life, and in return, she and her whole family will go into secluded meditation (exile?) and he can have her fan

Red Boy, refusing to be shackled and chained again, kills himself the same way the Yaksha King killed himself

we still get to keep the iron fan LOL

My thoughts and rambling: This whole family story is one fucking tragedy after another. Princess Raskshasi / Iron Fan, who lost her kingdom, moved east and then was used as a pawn by her master. Firstly wed to the Bull King and then forced to give birth to Red Boy - and suffered much pain carrying giving birth to Red Boy. It's never explained why her master set her up to marry the Bull King, but given how everyone in the famils is used as chest pieces, I strongly assume it is also a way to control BK.

Unconfirmed but this is the timeline I pieces together in TL;DR

SWK jumps out of the furnace

Princess Iron Fan follows Furnace Boy to the mortal realm. Is set up to marry Bull King

Bull King aids SWK in fight against the Court

SWK loses against Buddha of the West, is buried under the mountain

Princess Iron Fan has to drink the pregnancy water and gives birth to Red Boy

They used his wife as punishment for his action

While it doesn't sounds like it is a marriage out of love (which, to be fair not a lot of marriages back then were), I do think that both Bull King and Princess Iron greatly cared for each other. I'd say even boldly that Princess Iron Fan cared more LOL because Bull king had a mistress with whom he had a child. It can be argues that because he knows Red Boy is not his, he seek solace in the arms of another woman (and then has another child with her.

Princess Iron Fan has like every reason to turn into an evil stepmother or bitter woman, but she didn't.

Bull king has never made a right choice in his life, according to SWK

SWK and BK vs the Court

SWK and the court vs BK

the court and BK vs SWK

And the Red Boy... last of his lineage and used as a pawn by the court. Also interesting to note that in his design, he looks half "human" half bull, with his lower half being the bull part.

Overall another tragic love story in BMW.

And that's it from me, thank you for reading!

[gilbertscurls]

Classroom Competition ➵ Matt Sturniolo

002. TWO ── not the end

summary: two rival English teachers, you and Matt, challenge each other to an end-of-year competition to see whose class will come out on top.

The following Monday morning, you begrudgingly walked into the teachers’ lounge, two steaming cups of coffee in hand. Matt was already there, casually flipping through a book, his signature smirk in place as soon as he spotted you.

"Ah, perfect timing," he said, closing the book and standing up to meet you halfway. "I was just thinking about how much better my morning was going to get."

You rolled your eyes and handed him the coffee. "Don’t get too used to this. It’s just one week."

Matt chuckled, taking a sip. “One week is plenty of time to savor a victory. You know, if you need any pointers on improving your teaching methods, I’m happy to help.”

You shot him a look, setting your own coffee down on the table. “Don’t push your luck, Matt. You barely won by half a percentage point.”

“Still a win,” he countered, leaning against the table and raising his cup as if to toast his triumph.

As much as you hated to admit it, Matt’s teasing wasn’t really bothering you. In fact, over the last few months, you had come to enjoy your banter more than you expected. There was something invigorating about your rivalry, something that pushed you both to be better. And, as much as you liked winning, you couldn’t deny that Matt was a good teacher. Great, even.

"So," he said, his tone a little softer now, "any big plans for the summer?"

You shrugged, taking a sip of your coffee. "Not much. I might do some curriculum planning, maybe take a trip or two. You?"

Matt tilted his head, as if considering something. "I’ve been thinking about traveling too. Maybe Hawaii."

You raised an eyebrow. "Hawaii? Fancy."

"Yeah, I figured I deserve a reward after my hard-earned victory," he said, flashing you a grin.

You snorted. "Of course you do."

There was a moment of comfortable silence as the usual hustle and bustle of the school morning filled the lounge. Teachers came and went, grabbing coffee and discussing their summer plans, but you and Matt stayed put, the rivalry that had always defined your dynamic now tinged with something more.

"You know," Matt started, his voice low enough that only you could hear, "this whole competition thing… it doesn't have to stop here."

Your heart did a small flip, though you tried to hide it. "What do you mean?"

He shrugged, but there was a glint in his eyes that made you suspicious—and a little excited. "We could always find something else to compete over. Or, if you're up for it, maybe we could call a truce."

"A truce?" you repeated, genuinely curious.

"Yeah," Matt said, stepping just a little closer. "You and me. No more academic rivalries. Just… something different."

You weren’t sure if he was talking about the classroom anymore, and for the first time, you found yourself wondering if this connection between you wasn’t just about who could teach the best. Maybe there was something else at play, something deeper.

"Something different, huh?" you asked, keeping your tone light but your curiosity piqued.

Matt smiled, his gaze holding yours for a beat longer than necessary. "Yeah. What do you say?"

You hesitated, feeling the shift between you two more clearly now. It wasn’t just rivalry anymore. Maybe it never had been. Whatever it was, it was new territory, and it left you feeling both excited and uncertain.

Finally, you smiled, stepping back and grabbing your coffee. "We’ll see, Matt. We’ll see."

And with that, you walked out of the lounge, leaving him standing there with his cocky grin—but you knew this wasn’t the end. In fact, it felt like something was just beginning.

tag list: @stuwniolo, @sturnobsessedwh0re, @matts-myloverboy, @imjusthereforthesturniolosmut, @lizzymacdonald06, @asherrisrandom, @sturniolowhore69, @faith5drpepper, @emely9274, @psychologyloverfr, @lovetaylorrussellgrr, @conspiracy-ash, @helpimateenagerinlove, @wurlibydominicfike

[mochilatae]

Everybody Here Wants You (Namjoon x Fem Reader)

Word Count: 8.92k (ish)

Pairing: Namjoon x Fem Reader/YN

Rating: 18+/Mature/Explicit

Warnings: Standing/wall sex, flirting, alcohol consumption, oral sex (you receiving), unprotected sex, creampie, multiple/implied squirting orgasms, nipple biting/sucking, kissing, intense sex, tension, hair pulling, scratching.

Genre: PwP, Strangers to lovers

AUs: None

Summary: You're traveling for work and it's the same old grind. You stop for a drink and some people watching but eventually discover you aren't as invisible as you think.

Author’s Note: Based on a song and inspired by an idea from @worldwideseal.

The usual: ignore typos or any other 'errors' you may find and just enjoy the story. Thank you for reading!

If you like it and want to leave a kudo, please feel free. Reblogging is appreciated but never required.

Tag List: @kiestrokes @askkrisachan

The bar air was warm when you stepped inside.

The difference was a welcome relief to the chill that built up on the walk from the hotel. In spite of all the places you’d traveled throughout the fall and winter seasons, the cold was one thing that could still take you by surprise.

At least this time you’d remembered an overcoat and added it to the others on hooks near the door a moment later. Coats had owners. That meant people socializing, which wasn’t a bad thing–even if you weren’t in the mood for conversation. It beat another night in the hotel room, staring at the TV and going through 200 channels with nothing appealing to watch.

That was the one thing you’d learned in the entirety of your travels across the country so far: you alone, staring at a wall was NOT a good combination. 

Finding your way further into the bar space, you looked around again, taking a little extra time to note shapes and bodies. People were seated at tables all around. There was a calm murmur underpinning the vague sound of music coming from a jukebox in the farthest right corner. 

The figures at the bar glanced your way with impassive stares. A few seated patrons gave a cursory nod in passing. Eyes followed you all the way to where you’d stopped: the end of the bar closest to the small dance space in front of the jukebox. 

The bodies there still swayed to the music as you turned your back on the view, bracing an elbow on the bar edge. The bartender was already headed your way and matched your leaning posture, smiling briefly.

“What do you need tonight?” 

You scanned the shelves behind him and vaguely pointed. “The Prosecco on the 3rd shelf there—any good?”  

He didn’t look back and his smile changed his features, reaching his eyes finally. There was a subtle sag in his shoulders. Clearly he hadn’t determined you to be a pain in the ass and that was a relief. You wondered how many difficult customers he got each night. The weary and cranky ones from travel, stressed about a missed or canceled flight and looking to take it out on the first inconvenience they encountered.

People could be awful about their liquor. 

Compared to that all you wanted was a corner seat, in the dark with a good sparkling wine. There wasn’t much more of a simple fix for your occasional bad mood. 

“I don’t have many requests for it, but–” He shrugged and picked a wine glass and set it on the counter. “--It’s a good choice, if you ask me.” 

You grinned, watching as he twisted his wrist, working the corkscrew end of the opener deep into the cork. Eventually you replied. 

“Well…I did. I’ll give it a shot.” 

“Sounds good.” He tipped the bottle and poured just under a half portion then paused, glancing briefly. “...More?” 

You squinted, having a moment of debate before you nodded, making a tiny pinching gesture. “Maybe just a little bit.. It’s been a long day.” 

“I hear that a lot..” He chuckled, carefully pushing the glass towards you. Once he’d put the bottle back and returned, there was another lull as he leaned both arms against the bar top and watched you bring the rim to your lips.

It was hard to tell what the color was as you let the first mouthful swill over the back of your tongue. This bar lighting played tricks, giving goldenrod and rose hues to the bubbling liquid swilling in the glass. 

“Thoughts?” He asked, both brows raised slightly. Despite not smiling, he had a hopeful, curious look. You were a little fonder of this bartender compared to others in cities around the country. He didn’t act jaded enough about human interaction to have been at this job for a long time.  

You set the glass down again, swallowed quickly, then wiped at the lingering tickle in your nose. The wine bubbles were doing a mischief and you hadn’t quite gotten used to it. 

“It’s good. I’m not a wine expert, but.. I could buy a bottle of this for my place.” 

“And where is that?” 

“Pardon?” You grabbed a napkin, dotting your lips dry. 

“Your place–the city. Where are you from?” He WAS going the extra mile. Not that he needed to. You’d planned to tip, closing the tab later. 

“Are you always this friendly with patrons or is it just my lucky night?” You blinked, then leaned back a little, hands lightly gripped on the bar edge. It wasn’t that you could even help asking–this kind of interest and friendliness was rarer than a 2 dollar bill in your travels this month. The bartender smirked and stood upright slowly. 

“The crowd’s a little thin tonight and you didn’t look stressed so I figured it was worth making some conversation. Hope that’s okay?” As he spoke, the man kept his hands busy, rearranging glasses, body still facing you. The pattern of clinks and thunks while his hands were out of view told you he was doing the busy work stuff–another endless part of his job, no doubt. 

“I don’t mind it. To be honest I haven’t met a bartender who even talked to me beyond the drink order in all the places I’ve been lately.” Saying the city name, when it finally left your lips, brought his eyes back up, shining with curiosity again. 

“I haven’t been there. Is it as low energy downtown as this city?” 

“You want more action? I guess you could say don’t go there if you do–there are busier cities. Like…I don’t know..LA. Baltimore…wherever the mode seems to be 24/7.” It wasn’t your thing. You preferred a hometown pace–calm and steady. Even if that meant trading the excitement of keeping your mind and senses busy with people or places. 

“Don’t necessarily like that city nightlife stuff either. The pace is a bit…much. But I can say sometimes it would just hit the spot to go out and be crazy for a few hours. Ever feel that way?”

“Yeah.” You nodded. “I find those urges are a little quieter traveling so much like I do. But..the money is good and I can’t complain. I get plenty of vacation time every year. My flight miles account balance has never been higher.” 

The bartender gave a warm chuckle. “I like that attitude.” A brief pat on the bar, then he half turned away as a figure approached the other end of the bar. “I’ll be here if you want another glass or get the urge to try anything else on the shelves.” 

“Thanks…” You smiled back and picked up the wine glass again. Although you’d only taken two decent sips, it was nearly down to half again. Another mouthful went down your throat and you continued. “..I guess you would probably get sick of the whole bar scene seeing as it’s your job.” 

“It does wear on me sometimes. The busier parts of the travel seasons make it an uphill battle but I can’t say I’m mad at the money I make.”

“Speaking of which..” Your hand went for your clutch, resting nearby. Digging around inside you eventually came out with cash. A folded wad of bills that looked impressive. Counting a few out, you laid them on the bar and pushed them his way. 

This time he looked at the money, then his eyes came up. “You don’t have to.” 

“I’m not a fan of zero tips.” 

“I’m already ahead for the night.” You couldn’t be sure if he was telling the truth on that as it didn’t look like a very busy night from your perspective, but you’d only been here for a short while and more customers had come in. 

“I’ll leave it here. You can take it or maybe someone with sticky fingers will do you the favor and help themselves.” Adding a playful wink, you turned away with glass in hand. Clutch in the other hand, you stood up fully and turned towards the music that suddenly didn’t seem so bland or muted. 

This place had good wine and a great selection on the jukebox. You’d have to remember it when you came through again–whenever that happened to be. As you sauntered towards the dance space the bartender called out a ‘Thanks’. 

----------------------------------------------------------------

“You didn’t dance.” 

You’d reached for your coat when the voice spoke at your back. The only person who’d spoken to you before was the bartender and this DEFINITELY wasn’t his voice. You looked over one shoulder.

No mistaking: this was not the bartender either. Silly you, thinking it would be and he’d somehow changed his voice. Could the Prosecco be that strong to warp your perception? You had every drop in the glass but it wasn’t a full serving. 

You turned fully to face the man who’d spoken to you. No doubt who he’d approached and talked to: you were the only person in the entrance space by the door. All the other coats had gone home with their owners. Or back to hotels—wherever they went, you were alone now. 

Or so you’d thought.

The bartender had become a friendly shadow, slowly moving from one end of the bar to the other as he cashed out the lingering customers. Eventually the bar was as empty as the dance  space and all the tables. 

“Excuse me?” You were openly bewildered and whoever this man was, he didn’t seem to take it personally, based on the genial but measured smile on his face. 

“The music… You stood over there by the jukebox and didn’t dance. Not a fan of the music?” 

You looked across the way, to the dark shape that was formerly bathed with electric colors and humming all night with music that turned out to be not too shabby. A few songs even had your hips swaying but you’d figured no one cared enough to look. That’s what you got for assuming.

“I’m not into dancing in public much..” You immediately regretted the complete bullshit that just streamed from your lips and focused on squeezing the woolen fabric in your grasp. 

“Unusual place to be, then–near the jukebox.. Is that like tempting yourself by sitting near the desserts at a buffet when you’re on a diet?” 

“Okay,” You sighed. “..That was a lie. I guess I just didn’t have anyone to dance with so I didn’t bother.” 

“That’s a shame.” After he paused and glanced at his watch, the man looked towards the darkened corner where the jukebox cooled against a shadowed corner. 

“It is closing time anyway..” You began anew, working to finish putting the coat on. The man’s cough caught your attention and you looked over, surprised as his eyes on you again. He was surprisingly tall–dark eyes and dark hair almost the same shade. Hard to tell in this lighting if it was black or brown, with the depth of richness in this minimal lighting. 

“It is.” He agreed. 

“Time to go.” You hinted. Outside those doors was the promise of a darker, slightly colder walk to the hotel and your unit on the third floor. At least this place had a working elevator. 

“..I wanted to dance too.” 

“Hmm?” You’d finally pulled your coat on, hesitating. This guy was still talking to you–for real. You looked around him, tickled in a strange way at how far you had to lean in order to see the bartender far beyond with his back to the place as he stood at the open till. 

“I didn’t have a partner either. Would you like to dance?” 

“Didn’t you just agree that it was closing time?”

“Yes.” 

“So that means no more drinks. No more music. No more food. We leave, like everyone else, and call it a night.” 

“I don’t think I want that.” He responded, dark brows going even over his eyes without any menace. There was a kind of determination in his narrowed stare. You didn’t quite know how to question it so you went with the common sense angle again.

“Unless you’re the owner, it’s not about what you or anyone else wants. We’re customers and this place is closed. I’d rather not get trespassed and spend the night in jail. My room at The Green Tree is acceptable. I’ve got a lot of traveling to do tomorrow and the risk versus reward is a bit more than I’d care to entertain tonight, in all fairness.” 

The man smiled wider, looking you over with a measure of enjoyment. Whether it was something you said or how you’d said it, he seemed impressed. And you had to admit, you liked bowling over strangers. It served you well in business. 

“Well put. Is there any chance that you’d dance with me somewhere else?” 

“You’re starting awfully late to try and pick me up.” You teased, equally surprised but more delighted than he’d been at the boldness and timing. You’d been hit on before–that wasn’t a new thing.

“I’m not sure. I honestly just want to dance. I saw you were alone and I’m alone. My timing isn’t the best, but…” He paused and looked again towards the jukebox. He went on. “If I can get the okay, would you dance with me? Just one dance. I can’t explain but it would just close the night up so perfectly.” 

You took another look at this man, from head to toe. It was a long way to go as he proved a good deal taller but he was well dressed in dark slacks and a button up. If he’d walked here too, he was going to be chilly strolling back to his home or motel or…wherever without something more to cover up. 

“How were you planning on getting the go-ahead for this dance?” 

“The bartender is still here. I’ll ask. Doesn’t hurt to try.” 

You watched as the man turned and made his way to the bar. The bartender paused and glanced back. After a moment of what you assumed was the strangest conversation he’d probably had this week, the bartender nodded.

When the man returned he wore the most relaxed, pleased smile that showed a perfect set of dimples,mirroring each other on each cheek. Your mouth hung open a little as the man spoke. 

“We’re good for one dance. Come on..” 

Disbelief flowed through you watching the overcoat return to a hook. When the man held out his arm, you took it and walked with him. The corner he led you too looked much bigger when empty, even full of shadows. 

“I think we should get on a first name basis, at a bare minimum.” You suggested, watching as the man walked to the jukebox and felt around the back. It was more than a few seconds before a neon glow fired in all directions, washing the dance space in a rainbow of colors as the machine came alive. 

“First names… Reasonable enough.” The man replied, standing again, then dipped a hand into his pocket while the other arm braced across the jukebox. He scanned the selection menu and you heard the familiar, muffled jingle of change shifting. You smoothed hair away from your forehead with an even sigh, feeling the first twinge of nervousness in the silence. 

“Well..Namjoon, I’m Y/n. It’s nice to meet you.” 

Eyes narrowed, he continued to debate. Namjoon was taking this more seriously than you would have, given what was likely a spur of the moment decision. “The options on this thing are impressive. …Do you have a preference?” He said.

You tried peeking at the options but only made out glowing white and the unintelligible scrawl of black print. Time to throw caution to the wind. It wasn’t like you’d paid much attention to the music the whole time you’d been here earlier. 

“Not really. This was your idea.” You managed a quick smile. 

Meeting Namjoon and taking him up on his offer was enough of a surprise that you could do without the added pressure of deciding for you both when you didn’t know anything about him at this point. Musical preferences could be a very touchy thing. 

A quarter dropped into the coin slot and Namjoon stabbed one of the many buttons, then turned your way and held out a hand. It was a slow stroll to the empty dance space. As he drew close and looped an arm around your middle you stole one last quick look around, still not quite believing this was happening OR that everyone was really gone, except for the helpful bartender.

A gentle tug at your mid section drew your eyes to his as Namjoon began to lightly sway to the music starting to swell. Without the crowding voices of other bar patrons the music seemed much louder and filled the space impressively enough to chase away everything else around you both. 

“Hey..” Namjoon gently chuckled. “...Bad choice or—?”

“No.” You quickly shook your head and fingers curled around his palm as it cupped your hand. It was more of a nervous reaction than anything else but his brow still lifted quizzically. You pushed on, focusing on matching his steps but keeping passive enough to let him lead. 

“What is it?” 

“Nothing..” You replied. “I just… It’s not every night I end up dancing with a stranger in a bar after closing.”

“Well..I guess there’s always a first. You HAVE danced with a stranger before, right?” The added wink and dimple on his cheek when he grinned was making you soft in the center. Your fingers tightened again and this time you were quietly surprised at the responsive pressure of his grip pulsing.

It wasn’t just body heat rolling up from the gently, sagging opening at the top of your blouse. It was a rush of embarrassment or maybe desire. Neither of which you were prepared for and both suited the moment perfectly. “Yeah, of course. Maybe not in an empty bar with the whole place locked up.” 

Namjoon looked over your shoulder as he turned your back towards the bar and squinted in the direction where you vaguely recalled the bartender had been drying glasses and trying hard to make it not look like he’d been staring–not that there was anything else to look at while he did whatever closing duties still needed to be done. 

“Doesn’t seem like he’s locked the doors yet…” 

“He probably wants to..” You stopped briefly and Namjoon hesitated, then you were turning again, making wide side steps across the space and gently listing left, then right. It was getting warmer. The music and heat closing in around you. 

“Probably. …The song’s almost over—and that’s a shame.” Namjoon murmured, nose teasingly close to yours. By now you were over those nerves, finding they were pushed down and out by something else: a pleasant pressure that squeezed your belly tight and made your nerves taut but not in a fearful way. 

The flat, firm pressure of Namjoon’s palm rose up your spine as he slowed a little, following the crawl of the music and the smokey vocals, bringing you both back towards the jukebox and bringing his handsome features into hypnotic shades of red, green and blue. 

“It is?” 

“Yeah.” His smile stayed, glowing just right under these electric colors. You were practically standing still, swaying on two firmly planted feet with this broad arm belted at the small of your back and the sudden taste of some nice cologne rushing through your nostrils, riding directly to your brain. “..That means we have to stop. I won’t lie..It’s been a long time since I danced like this.” 

“With a stranger?” 

“With anyone.” Namjoon whispered over the final strains of the last few notes as the song disappeared and the world around you went quiet. You heard an errant thunk in the jukebox and then nothing further. The lights were still washing you both as he gazed down into your eyes. 

“Sounds bad, I bet.” He was trying to get ahead of what he didn’t know: your opinion on that detail and save face maybe, by playing the odds. But he was wrong. You thought no differently about him.

“I wouldn’t say that.” You offered with a shift of both shoulders. Namjoon’s gentle possession of your hand ended as he let it go but his touch returned to your nearer hip. You didn’t move to remedy that. His chest expanded as he took a breath. 

“Well.. I’m glad. We don’t know much about each other.. But can I tell you something?” 

“Sure.” You almost breathed. You didn’t plan to be here much longer before flying out to your next destination, but you suddenly wanted to know as much as you could about this man. His wants and needs. What he was searching for and what he left behind at home–wherever that could be.

“I really liked dancing with you.”

You couldn’t help smiling and Namjoon’s smile widened when yours broke. “Yeah?” 

He chuckled, adding “Even if it’s been a bit and I’m rusty.. Guess it’s true–dancing is one of those things you don’t really forget. One of nature’s blessings to the human being.” Namjoon stepped back and you almost grasped at his shirt to pull him close again. The heat and the sweet–both you wanted all over you again. It was suddenly too cold and getting dark as the jukebox flickered. 

“Where—” You began but Namjoon spoke again, leaning near the side of the jukebox. It went completely dead and dark a moment later as he unplugged it and dropped the cord to the floor. He was upright, hand extended to you in no time. The relief that came taking hold right now was unsurpassed.

“--Let’s go. That guy probably wants to get home. I’m thinking we should take the hint. Would you mind if I got us an Uber?”

“Where are you staying?” You didn’t quite recognize the name of the hotel when Namjoon said it but if you could make any assumptions you pictured it as a basic, mid range place. Most of the hotels around this town were fair to good on Yelp. He didn’t look like he slummed it. 

“You?” He asked, taking his phone out as he walked you both to the door and collected his coat, minutes later. You nodded to the bartender as he waved briefly, then turned and grabbed your coat, leaving the last hook empty finally. Just how long HAD you two been here and how much time had you lost? This was a new and strange experience. 

You gave the hotel name and Namjoon shrugged into his coat with a humming smile. “Yeah. I thought about that place but I also wanted to change it up. I regret it. My room has about 100 less channels on the TV. Not worth the savings.” 

“You’re not missing much with those extra channels, trust me.” You replied. Namjoon’s palm rested on the door, then pushed it open to reveal the night, a bit colder and damper than you’d left it. 

“That’s a relief.” He smiled. Namjoon took a glance outside, then nodded towards the empty sidewalk just beyond. “Let’s go. Uber is on the way and I want to make sure I get you back at a reasonable time.” 

You had no idea what time it really was but based on the size of the moon in the sky and the nearly deathly silence outside, it couldn’t be early. The entire world seemed asleep out there which meant late enough you could hope to get just enough sleep to be coherent at the continental breakfast tomorrow. 

“Thank you again.” You slipped through the open door and footsteps followed you after it shut. Namjoon kept up with easy strides, all the way to the curb and stood almost shoulder to shoulder. You should work up enough nerve to lift his nearer arm and tuck yourself into the warmth there. There was a quiet contemplation in the way his gaze went to the sky as he waited, then finally replied. 

“No need. I want you back in your room safely. That’s non-negotiable.” 

-----------------------------------------------------------

 “Have you ever done this before?” You asked, watching Namjoon open the door to his room. He barely paused after sliding the key card back into his coat pocket to smile over one shoulder. 

“Can you clarify? If you’re talking about staying here, yes.” 

You grinned, following him through the open door, then let it shut behind you as lights came on throughout the room. This place was quite a bit different than your room: a longer hallway leading from the door to the main space and you noted what looked like an impressively sized bed. You’d sprung for a single but you were sure your bed wasn’t nearly this big. 

“I’m talking about having someone come back to your room that you just met---a stranger..” 

“I wouldn’t say we’re strangers,Y/n. We know each other’s names and we had a very nice dance.” 

You caught a glimpse of yourself in the large, wall-mounted mirror opposite the end of the bed as Namjoon hung his coat on a hook and tossed the contents of his pockets on the TV stand nearby. For a moment you didn’t recognize yourself: the large eyes and the nervousness all over your face. In your work life you didn’t ever show this much panic. 

But in your work life you didn’t tend to dance with strangers after closing in empty businesses. And they weren’t nearly as handsome as Namjoon naturally was. Dutifully you slid your coat off and hung it on one of two chairs neatly pushed in against a small table tucked against one corner. Namjoon was at the window and pulled the curtains open a little with an outward sweep of both arms–a gesture that drew your attention. The impressive width of his upper body, hugged by a fitted dress shirt, kept your attention.

At a loss for where to put yourself and feeling a bit more exposed with your overcoat gone, your fingers laced together as you stood and stared. Eventually Namjoon turned his back on the view and smiled again. 

“Am I still a stranger to you? We can fix that.” 

Feeling all kinds of knots suddenly kinking up your insides, you barely smiled. “Kind of.. There’s plenty of things I don’t know about you.” 

“I’m an open book. Ask me anything.” 

“...Why are you here? Is it a work thing?” 

“Something like that.” More dimples as Namjoon strolled closer, fingers working to loosen the cuffs of his shirt sleeves. He rolled the material, standing well within your grasp. All you could do was stand here, inhaling more teasing notes of his cologne–and that was better than the gaudy floral smell of a freshly cleaned hotel room. 

“That’s a cagey answer, Namjoon. Are you a secret agent or a health inspector or something?” 

He chuckled and you went warm from your scalp to your soles. His forearms looked strong, shifting a little as he crossed his arms, head tilting in amusement. 

“Nothing nearly as fun. Let’s just say I do risk assessment. Just..boring stuff.” 

“Yeah?” He nodded and you watched his Adam’s apple go up, then down slowly. That bed was neatly made. Either he did it or took advantage of the maid service and liked neatness. The way he had his room still almost picture perfect was fascinating to you. 

No question how it would look like your luggage exploded in your room if you’d ask him to come back with you. You hadn’t quite gotten the nerve and right now you couldn’t be sure if he was a neat freak or just careful with his choices and hadn’t quite settled in yet. 

“What’s your line of work?” 

“I work in sales. Just as boring..” 

“Yes.” He winked, arms coming down to his sides. “I wasn’t that good as a sales person. I don’t like making people want something and getting their money for it.” 

“It’s not quite like that for me.” You countered. The tension relaxed in your belly and you took another look around as Namjoon turned away with a sigh, then walked towards the basic coffee maker on the counter near the tv stand. Even his kitchen space had a little more. This place would have to be on the list of suggestions for your next company sponsored work trip–which would come way, WAY too soon.

“Isn’t it? Good.” Namjoon unwrapped two plastic cups from their sterile packaging and set them side by side, then squatted down and opened a small black fridge just below the counter. 

“Wow. You have a fridge too?” Even though he’d loosened his cuffs and rolled his sleeves, the back of his shirt was still perfectly taut, showing off a good amount of muscle in motion while he hunted around in the cold, confined space.

“Doesn’t your room get one? This place doesn’t have the best towels but honestly these fridges are pretty impressive for the size. There’s a bucket on the bedside table–with ice. Can you bring it over here?” 

His request felt so easy and normal. For a brief moment it was like you two had always shared this space. No hesitation. No nervousness. Namjoon asked for what he wanted and his request was simple. That was why he got what he wanted as you returned with the black ice bucket, lid going onto the counter, then the bucket too as you set it down carefully. There was ice nearly to the top. 

“My room has some amenities. A coffee machine and these huge bath towels–maybe they’re even sheets but..” 

“Sounds pretty damn good, honestly. I love big bath towels. And the soft ones..” He hummed, then grunted, standing with a modest size, dark green bottle. Your eyes went to the label as he peeled the foil off the top. 

“...Champagne? Here?” 

He grinned bigger and tossed the balled up foil onto the counter. It was bottle top, not a cork as you'd expected. Namjoon shook his head, popping the cap off a moment later with a firm push of his thumb, seeming unbothered at the clatter as it skidded then bounced across the counter top to disappear. 

“We’re on a budget. Martinelli's…that okay?” 

“Absolutely. I love that stuff, actually.” Emboldened, you stepped close and grabbed one of the cups. Namjoon tutted but didn’t do more than fake a frown, bringing the bottle towards your glass. 

“Ice?” 

“Maybe the next round.” As he poured the thin plastic cup chilled in moments. Carefully your grip tightened. Namjoon poured himself a glass, dropped in a few ice pieces, then set the bottle on the counter. 

He took a testing sip, then swallowed and his chin jerked towards the bed. “Let’s get comfortable.” 

Wordless, you took a massive swallow and followed, resting one ass cheek on the edge of the bed–as much as you could get away with and look like you were mostly sitting properly. Why you couldn’t sit more casually was a mystery but your belly somersaulted at the way the bed sank down when Namjoon’s weight lowered onto it just out of reach. 

“Did you really like the dance?” You asked. Mostly you believed but still couldn’t understand that it was you chosen for the experience. Already it beggared belief that you’d walked into that place tonight and Namjoon noticed you, let alone approached you. Just how long had he been watching your self debate by the jukebox? 

“Why wouldn’t I? I wasn’t kidding when I said I wanted to dance. Sometimes you just miss the human contact.” 

“We’re both traveling for work…we run into people a lot. That’s human contact, isn’t it?” 

“Not quite, Y/n.” Namjoon finished his drink, leaned over and set the cup on the bedside table. Sitting back upright he was much taller than you too, just like when he was standing. Or like when he’d pulled you close and moved to the beat, swaying oh so nicely. Naturally. The way you’d forgotten a dance could feel, with another body against your own.

“The basic interactions of traveling or living your life, day to day, that’s one thing. It’s easy to socialize and satisfy that urge. There’s something missing from that–something I keep thinking about, even on the go lately.” 

Having no one to go home to was never a problem or something you noticed until tonight. 

“You know what I’m saying, Y/n?” Namjoon’s gaze was on you when your eyes found it a moment later. Even though it was a warm, patient stare you still flinched. You could fall into those eyes and never climb out, work schedule be damned. You couldn’t fly across the world to escape this feeling. “..Do you miss it?” 

“Miss it?” 

Namjoon flashed a measured smile then scooted closer. The bed sank further, the shift pulling you closer with a gentle lean. The way you’d found yourself inclined earlier, in the dim bar, swaying through the gentle strains of the song he’d chosen. 

To your surprise he stood, holding one hand out again. You were surprised and confused, watching with eyes a bit wider. 

“Stand up.” When you were on your feet Namjoon gave a gentle tug and your front was pressed close again. This time Namjoon’s arm wrapped higher up on your back. The slow, easy motion was back–a left to right shifting to some beat only he could hear. He spoke again. 

“This is what I mean.. I like this. Don’t you, Y/n?” 

The temperature in the room was rising and the first of many things was happening: a section of your nape and lower back were dampening. Right between the breasts would be next. You lifted your eyes, head tipped to stare up at Namjoon’s face to reply.

“It does feel good. Dancing..” 

“I don’t mean the dancing. There’s no music, but we don’t really need that to be like this, do we?” 

“No.” You took a deep breath, rewarded again with an undiluted Namjoon scent. His free hand ran along your side and settled on your hip, lightly gripping the curve. Motion slowed more and his lips came closer. 

The kiss happened so slowly. The warmth of his mouth had you moaning and the kiss deepened rapidly. His jaw flexed and yours did the same. Another moan and Namjoon pulled back, running his lips down the side of your neck and pecked at your collarbone. You sank fingers into flesh and material.

He stopped under your ear on the other side of your neck. “Seems like we understand each other pretty well, hmm?” Namjoon chuckled against your skin. “Can I be a little bold and tell you how much I wanted you tonight?” 

“Yeah?” With a moan you slid fingers along his scalp.  

“Yes. Watched you for a long time after you came in. You’re beautiful–Never seen anyone like you.. I bet everyone there wanted you.” 

“Namjoon..” You grunted, feeling painfully shy and wanting to roll your eyes at the same time but he put an end to further objection when his teeth sank into your lower lip, then kissed after it slid free.

“That’s what I think..” He growled. “..You’re here with me. I wanted that more than anything and I’m not a guy who gives up on things I want.” 

“Doesn’t seem so..” You managed, head going back and senses tipping into the beginning of euphoria. 

Palms cupped under your ass, bringing you higher. You could barely gasp when your feet left the floor. Namjoon started to walk, only stopping when your back met a wall by where you’d entered the room.

“W….what–” 

Namjoon’s mouth slid across yours, then sank against you for another kiss. He front crushed closer, the weight pinning you in place. He looped one arm around your midsection and used the other hand to feel around your hips. 

“If you want me to stop, I will Y/n.”

You didn’t want it to stop. In fact your body was humming for more, faster. You squeezed thighs tighter around Namjoon’s waist and he groaned, clawing each side of your leggings down to expose both hips before he paused. 

“Need some room…” He whispered, pulling back to look down between your bodies. Your legs fell free to let him move. Namjoon didn’t waste time, shoving the bottoms down to your ankles. The flats you wore dropped to the floor and he flung the leggings away. 

You’d already begun to hook thumbs into the waist of your panties when Namjoon took a knee and buried his mouth against your mound. You froze. It wasn’t more than a blink and your hands instinctually found handfuls of his hair for a firm grasp. He wasn’t going anywhere and you were holding on for dear life–two mutually exclusive facts about the evolving situation.

As he kissed, Namjoon murmured, bathing your prickling skin with praises. Comments on how good you smelled and tasted after each peck and lick. Broad, wet lines along your skin, running over both hip bones and down to where your thighs joined, did wonders to make your core red hot. 

By the time he tugged the panties to your calves and they shuffled down to the ankles, your moan was floating through the hotel room air–and Namjoon’s tongue was swabbing right down your folds. He came right back up as fingers clutched and yanked the panties off. After pecking the inside of one thigh, Namjoon was back to standing. He found the back of your knee, gripping the sensitive space behind to haul your thigh back up. 

Somewhere between kneeling and standing, Namjoon had taken care of his own bottoms. They were pooled around his ankles with the belt leading impact in a confirming thump. The warmth of his erect, bare cock grazed against your hip as he pressed you to the wall again. 

Your other leg circled him to join, ankles crossing just above his bare ass. You didn’t need to see it to know: he had a fantastic ass. There hadn’t exactly been a known plan for seeing this much of him, but you could safely bet you’d get a good look at his backside later and it would more than make up for a lack in this moment. 

Namjoon’s shoulders flexed as he ducked his head and nuzzled along your top. Having his power to keep you steady left you free a hand from holding his hair to pull your top high. As high as you could manage: just above your breasts, exposing the delicate lace of your bra. It was a slightly flirty number, even if you hadn’t expected it to be seen. 

An approving growl rippled through Namjoon’s throat as he stopped at one breast and inhaled against skin. One sucking kiss later and he popped free, leaving the beginnings of what felt like a strong love bite. Arousal surged through your body, concentrating right into your pussy. You whined. 

Clenching gently, Namjoon brought that up down and captured that exposed nipple, tugging once. When you winced, he mumbled something and soothed with a wet, sucking kiss that puckered the skin almost immediately. 

You weren’t sure you’d ever expected yourself to see this angle of a hotel room during sex, having only ever had experience from the bed, but life threw happy changes your direction tonight and the trend only seemed to be continuing. 

“Namjoon..” You moaned. His lips came away from your other nipple as the bra tightened when you inhaled deep. He yanked it down to your belly, then his hand cupped the back of your neck.

“Y/n..” He replied. “..Help me with my shirt? We could just do this mostly clothed but I’d rather feel it all without things in the way..” 

Blindly groping, squeezing with both hands at whole sections of material you could feel, then bringing it up to Namjoon’s broad shoulders. He looped your waist and squeezed so tight you could barely breathe, then did the remaining work to haul his shirt off completely. Where it went you weren’t concerned, instead pressing palms to his bare skin, confirming what your eyes caught–pure,firm muscle. Completely hard and super warm.

You wanted this man on you more than any piece of clothing or warm blanket. Namjoon was right: you missed this kind of connection. This sensation of real touch and skin flushed with warmth for you. 

“Thanks.” Namjoon angled a forearm at your tailbone to lift you more. Your knees pinched inwards against his ribs. He didn’t seem to mind, smile still curving his lips. “..You…sure this is okay? I definitely want it—want you...” 

You nodded and brought your hands up to his neck. It was easy to hold on and Namjoon’s brows rose when you squeezed a little. A subtle shift in his hips brought a blunt pressure across your sensitive folds, spreading the wetness. 

“Don’t worry about hurting me..” He whispered. “I’m not afraid of much. …Tell me when..” This man was poised, waiting with you pinned against the wall, holding up all of your weight. And it looked so easy. You were a mess of marvel and need. 

Your toes slid across the small of his back as you adjusted, then nodded firmly, closing your eyes. This was too important to risk getting distracted by any sights that weren’t Namjoon. The breath you took in left you slowly–the same pace as Namjoon’s tip entered you and kept going. Stretching you so nicely it felt like melting. 

When he was entirely seated, Namjoon exhaled in a growl. “God…Do you know how good this feels, Y/n?” You didn’t respond, eyes rolling behind lowered lids as pressure shifted in you, rising and falling with the measured strokes that started.

Namjoon was steady and just firm enough as he thrust in and pulled back. Eventually his pace climbed and your body began to jerk and tremble. The gentle rocking of his forward motion lightly jammed your back against the wall steadily. Hotel walls were probably paper thin and no doubt anyone in the next room would be able to hear the way you moaned and groaned. The way you gasped and pleaded. Mewled with nails dragging his back, making traction across his shifting shoulder blades. 

Namjoon’s hips twisted and snapped a little harder. His face smothered against your neck, he exploded with a howl of enjoyment and the pumping pace increased. There was a power in his  body that he was carefully letting out as his cock cleaved through your tightness. 

Your muscles tightened, rippling as the thickness of his shaft dipped into you deeper. Even faster,jostling you. It felt like bouncing on a massive stallion. You love the way he rammed you, sending shudders through your breasts and thighs. Making your feet dance until the curling of your toes forced them into arches of pleasure. 

“Namjoon..Don’t stop.. You’re gonna make me cum.” 

His fingers were at your hair and he gathered a fistful, pulling gently, speaking into the wet column along the front of your throat. Namjoon was still going, fucking you fast and hard. And as often as you’d been with a man in your life or regardless of how long it had been, you knew this was the best it had felt bar none. 

Your head was going deliciously light as your eyes finally opened, watching the world jumping as you took a handful of punishing thrusts deep inside. When you came it was so much you only realized what happened when Namjoon’s charming smile came into focus, sprinkled in sweat and shining in the nearby lamp light. 

“Y/n? Baby… You okay?” The lowness of his eyelids told you he was sure he hadn’t hurt you. And the way your thighs shivered around his waist. The way your fingers plaintively dragged down his slippery chest–he was more than clear on what happened. The lingering flutters in your walls told you he was still buried, wide and hard. You hadn’t pushed him out, even if the strength of those contractions might have tried to make it happen. 

Everything felt sinfully wet when he slid back to test. Licking your lips, you nodded. “Think I came..” 

“You think?” Namjoon took a long look down, leaning left and right. “The floor and my cock would say you’re right..” 

“God…was it..that intense?” 

“Yeah. And I LOVE it.” You saw the way his face twisted into pained honesty. He meant what he said and the lowering of his brows over those dark, fiery eyes told you he might even want more. That he hadn’t found his end. Your fingernails dug into his bicep on one side and you gripped onto his opposite shoulder, bracing with every ounce of energy you had left in your leg muscles. 

“...Cum for me?” You ventured, softly pleading. This was absolutely the worst, stupidest, most dick drunk idea you’d ever had. And you’d had more than a few horny ideas in your sexually active life. 

Namjoon’s eyes swirled in heat as his mouth turned to an even line. Inside you could feel that big cock twitching. You knew it was from excitement and wondered just how close he was. 

“I can do that… Where do you want it?” 

“Well you don’t mind I made a mess on you… It’s only fair.. You make a mess in me.” 

“Inside?” Namjoon blinked, nostrils flaring when he withered briefly before he straightened again. “Fuck…” 

“I want it. I miss it..” You’d never had it but this was something you needed him to cross off the list. Eventually Namjoon refocused, bringing his gaze back up to stare deep into your eyes again. Eventually the stroking started again but this time he wasn’t slow or sexy. It was a firm, marching pace from the start. Your head rolled sharp to one side and your eyes squeezed shut again as he hit that same spot he’d hit that had thrown you into a massive orgasm. 

If he didn’t stop it was going to happen again. And maybe not before he finished. You tried biting the urge back and eventually burst out a warning as your middle hummed, pressure climbing to a menacing peak. 

“H..hurry..” You rasped out, calf muscles taut, ass cheeks clenching and belly tight. Namjoon threw himself into fucking you, going hard enough there was an audible thump against the wall with his weight slamming over and over.

As quick as it was Namjoon stopped, cramming himself against you with a single, long growl escaping through clenched teeth. The high that rushed over you right after was less intense but still delivered a punch, making your legs weak. As one foot slipped down the back of his thigh, you giggled, desperately trying to get your heavy lids up. You wanted to see his face–the satisfaction that he was experiencing based on the sounds… You NEEDED to get eyes on it. 

Eventually you were able to blink the world into focus and fully appreciate the sparkling shape of Namjoon’s bare upper body, still mostly against you, with his forehead creased in bliss. He found your face and lifted one brow, then leaned in and kissed you lightly. His room might be neat but you felt like the best kind of hot, over sexed mess on the inside. 

“The walls in this place aren’t bad, hmm?” He chuckled as you chased his lips, then gently set your other foot on the floor. You both ignored the serious shaking in your thighs until it went away after a few seconds. 

“Not too bad..” You confirmed. “Think this kind of thing happens a lot in this hotel?” 

Namjoon looked around as he stepped back further, then turned away. Your eyes took complete liberty, opening ogling his ass. It was as tight, round and muscled as you expected. If you weren’t delightfully numb from the orgasms, the sight of his entire back half would do more than enough to get you primed. 

The chill in the air began to creep in again as your skin cooled. The sheen of sweat was already drying and goosebumps started, rising from your thighs. Namjoon was back with another plastic cup and lifted it to your lips. You took a few big sips, humming in thanks. 

Namjoon watched you looking around as he finished the remaining water, then set the cup down. As you leaned down towards the crumpled clothing by the bed he spoke. “What are you doing?” 

“Getting dressed.” 

“I can grab a towel.” He replied, wearing a curious smile. 

“That’s for showers.. I just need to get my stuff..” 

“Y/n..” The low volume and softness of his tone gave you pause. When he took your hand and brought you back up, anything you could say was rapidly out of mind. His smile increased. “We could clean up in the shower and relax for a little bit. I’m not asking you to get dressed and get out.” 

“You don’t need to..” You stammered. Where this ‘must leave’ energy was coming from, you weren’t sure. Everything still felt so relaxed and distant. You didn’t want to do the walk of shame yet. In fact the longer you could stay in this space, the better. 

“If we’re talking about needs versus wants–how about this: I WANT you to join me in the shower. And I want you here–” Namjoon’s glance went to the bed and came back. “---with me for a little longer. Can you do that?” 

“I’d like it..” You said, letting relief change your face and smooth the tension that was settling in. After he studied you, Namjoon nodded. 

“Good. Want to go in and turn the shower on? I’ll join you. I just want to…clean up.” You looked around at what suddenly became clearer: he’d really thrown all the clothes everywhere. Stepping away you undid the bra from your middle and laid it on the bed. 

Namjoon went to work, collecting the other clothing as you turned and headed for the bathroom. It was much bigger, brighter, and more tiled than the bathroom in your hotel room. You appreciate the trade offs, at least. What you lacked in bathroom space, you made up for in breakfast options, pillows and warm, fluffy comforter. 

In the bathroom you studied your naked body, turning around one way, then the other. For a moment you stared over one shoulder, watching your ass in the mirror. Looking for signs that Namjoon had been here–and there were small details. Secret marks. Delightful little parting gifts. 

This time you noticed when Namjoon was staring when you glanced towards the bathroom door and spotted him into the frame with a wistful smirk and eyes all over you. Was that how he’d looked watching you at the bar earlier tonight? 

“How long have you been standing there?”

“Doesn’t matter. I was enjoying the view. Like it even more than I did back in the bar.” 

“Well… you can’t say everyone here wants me.. It’s just us.” 

“Yes I can and it’s true. They want you even more. For as long as possible.” In spite of the steam rolling from behind the clear plastic curtain separating you from the hot water hissing across the way, you could still appreciate the visual feast of naked Namjoon, semi soft, with narrow hips and wide shoulders. With a dimpled smile and dark hair, eating you up with his eyes and about to reach out to get you in his grasp. 

“Were you watching me for this long at the bar?” 

“I told you.. I saw you come in and there was no one else after that. Why would that change? You didn’t get more beautiful because we just had sex, Y/n. Your value hasn’t diminished.” 

“You’re going to make me shy..” Among other feelings. You turned away to catch your breath and steel yourself. That rebuilt resolve flagged the moment that big palm touched your hip and followed the body line up to shoulder. Then to cheek as he quietly said “Turn around, Y/n. Let me see you..” 

You did and Namjoon was as close as he’d been in the other room, right before he’d pinned you to the wall and turned your entire being inside out. This stranger turned lover. This man who’d spent so long seeing so much around the country, but was so into you as if it was the best thing he’d ever experienced. 

You closed your eyes, leaning into his palm and releasing a quiet moan. “Namjoon..” You managed. His thumb slid over your lips, quieting you. 

“Don’t let go until you have to, Y/n. I don’t want to think about where we’re going to go after tonight. Stay right now. It’s what I want. I think we both want it.” 

He was right. You couldn’t think of an excuse that wasn’t some flimsy, pale reason that would fall apart upon reflection. Eventually you found the thoughts and words to respond.

“If I stay…You come back to my room. It’s only fair.” You felt the heat of your giggle against his palm before it slid away and he pulled the bathroom door closed. Dropping two perfectly folded towels onto the counter he glanced at you with a rakish smile. 

“Fair is good with me. You got it. Now get in there..” 

[rowanwolf]

"Why Are There So Damn Many Ways to Spell Gryphon" - a memoir by a gryphonkin who wants to tag all the other gryphonkin but not spend eight years adding tags to their posts.

[gallawitchxx]

day thirty-one • @gallavichthings kinktober 2024

↳ 31 days of kinks & cards in 3 sentences

WAX PLAY x THREE OF WANDS

By the end of the night, you’re dripping with come and covered in the tri-colored candle Ian insisted on buying at the new sex shop down the block. You’ve survived hours of sensory overload like you’ve never before experienced: the hot sting of the wax, the cool caress of breath blowing it dry, the ache in your balls, the pulse of your prostate, the fullness of Ian’s cock buried so deep your belly bulges, the warm splatter of spunk—yours, a relief, a reward; his, a benefit, a brand. Later, you’ll breathe and bathe, cleaning yourself of all but your filthy memories, but now, you blink and beam, soaking up what you can of Ian’s attention, his praise, and his unconditional, unrelenting love.

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

ah yes! the joys of executive dysfunction and something being Fundamentally Broken In Your Braincase!

[acaciapines]

rereading random bits of descendants of olympus (as one does) and. vera <3 still soooo obsessed with how she takes lupa's divinity. like MAN.......there is something to how shes had to scrape and claw her way into every single good thing shes ever had. that she's never just been able to KEEP these things, that she is always always always fighting for them. and so of course she takes divinity. she wants to LIVE. and in this world where the fates themselves are trying to control her, its like--yeah. maybe you do need a gods power to finally get like, at least a year of the life you want. the life you werent supposed to have. forever thinking about vera's one line in her chapter thats like 'of course the fates are losing power. because they'd never let someone like leo into my life.' YELLS. FOREVER.

also have we talked enough about minnie I THINK WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT MINNIE--

[tweedlydumbtweedlydoo]

Hate | Chase Stokes x reader

Requested by @mirellef2001 / Summary: You receive hate from Chase’s fans. 

A/N: Thanks for requesting, hope you enjoy! x 

Tag list is at the end. Let me know if you want to be added xx

Go follow my fic rec blog! ---> @imaginationgonewild0912

**MASTERLIST**

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********************************************************************************************NOT MY GIF, CREDIT TO OWNERS

You couldn’t believe the things being said on social media about you, only because you were dating Chase. The fans were upset by the fact he wasn’t dating Madelyn anymore and blamed you for their separation, even though you started dating long after they had already called it quits. 

Some comments were hateful, just pure hate for someone who had never met you. Tears stung as you continued to read through them, finally willing yourself to stop and close the app. You wiped a tear just as Chase walked into the room, towel wrapped around his hips, his hair wet from the shower. He can immediately tell something’s wrong,  “You good? You look like you’ve been crying.” 

You wave him off, forcing a laugh, “You know those sad tik Tok videos get me.” 

He chuckles, kissing your forehead, “You have such a soft heart.” 

Chase had enough on his plate with filming, interviews, etc and the last thing he needed to worry about was you being upset over strangers sending you hate. 

“So, what do you have tonight?” You ask wiping your face with your hoodie sleeve, “Interview or party?” 

“Just an interview. Nothing big tonight.” He begins to get dressed, slipping on a pair of sweat pants before crawling into bed next to you, “but for now, me and you time.” 

You softly smile and kiss him, “sounds perfect.” 

He gets comfortable against his pillow and opens his arms for you to lay against his chest. You doze off to the sound of his heart beating. 

~ 

“So Chase, we know you and y/n have been dating for a little while now, how does that seem to be going?” The interviewer asks. 

He smiles at the thought of you, “It’s going really well. She’s amazing. She’s super supportive, has the softest heart. She gets along well with the cast, and they love her.” 

“That’s great! She seems to be a great girl. I know we got to talk a little at the last interview with her. Now,” the interviewer went serious, “We know there was some drama after the Madelyn split, has that been resolved?”

Chase scratches the back of his neck, “there really wasn’t any drama. I’m not sure why that rumor was spread but we split on mutual terms. We didn’t feel the relationship was going anywhere. We still remain great friends and y/n and her are actually the closest out of the cast.”

“Fantastic to hear. We know the fans were pretty hurt about the split and aren’t sure how to feel about y/n. Some sharing some harsh words on social media.”

Chase began to grow uncomfortable, he had no idea you’d had anything harsh said about you from the fans. You’d never mentioned it to him. “well it’s my life,” he laughs, “and I uh love her a lot. And I’m happy so-”

They quickly asked a few more questions about the show and finished the interview. Chase immediately took to social media, scrolling through your posts and checking comments. His heart dropping at the negative and harsh comments. He couldn’t believe his “fans” would say things like this and to someone who didn’t deserve it. Why hadn’t you mentioned this to him?This was not ok and needed to be addressed.

~

When he arrived home he found you curled up in bed watching one of your many shows.

“Hi baby- how did the interview go? “ you ask pausing your show and sitting up against the headboard.

Chase’s brows are furrowed as he loosens his tie, “why wouldn’t you tell me about what people are saying to you?”

Your shoulders slump as he nears you, taking a seat on the edge of the bed, “I didn’t want to worry you and I knew I could handle them.”

“But baby-” he takes your hands in his, “I need to know these things so I can address it. This isn’t ok and I don’t let stuff like this slide.”

You shrug, eyes welling up with tears as you think to some of the hateful things said, “I didn’t even do anything to them.”

“Oh baby…” he immediately scoots closer to you on the bed, and holds you against his chest, “no, you didn’t. None of what they’ve said was true. It’s easy to say mean comments from behind a screen and to someone they don’t even know. Please don’t listen to it. You know I love you.” He puts a heavy emphasis on you, cradling your head in his hands and making you look at him. “I’ll be addressing this tonight. I won’t let this slide.”

“No no- please Chase, just leave it? They’re going to immediately turn it around and place blame on me-”

He shook his head in response, “they need to know I don’t appreciate the comments.” Pulling his phone from his pocket he picks a recent photo of the two of you, immediately posting it to social media with a long status about respect, boundaries, not appreciating the harsh comments coming from “fans” etc.

There was an out pouring of sweet comments from fans telling you and chase how much they adored your relationship and how sweet of a person you were. Some even apologizing for the other “fans” comments.

Madelyn even liking and commenting how amazing you were. The rest of the cast following not long after each with their own sweet message.

“See, there are fans out there that love you.” Chase shows you his screen of the outpouring love. “Not that it matters what they think because I’m the one in love with you.”

~

Hope you enjoyed! Thanks for requesting :)

[batsplat]

new casey podcast have you seen it

https://m.youtube.com/watch?si=ye8wNfrvaPDjtpDV&v=IuwZN6aP8sg&feature=youtu.be

(link to the podcast) yeah I did, cheers!

there's not that much 'new information' per se within this podcast, though there's a bunch of nice tidbits about teenage casey. what stood out to me is how the framing of his journey to becoming a racer is... well, it's kinda new? it's not exactly surprising, because you could get a lot of this stuff from reading between the lines in his autobiography. the question of 'is this your dream or your parents' dream' is a very common one with athletes, and it's often a thin line... but, y'know, this podcast interview in particular is quite a noticeable shift in how casey himself talks about this issue. it's a shift in how he portrays his 'dream' of becoming a professional rider back when he was formulating his autobiography, versus how he's answering questions in this episode. his autobiography isn't free from criticism of his parents - but casey is always stressing his own desire to race. so you do get stuff like this (from the autobiography):

At this point things were getting serious. Dad used to say, 'If you want to become World Champion you can't be that much better than local competition,' holding his finger and thumb an inch apart. 'You have to be this much better,' he'd say, holding his arms wide open. Dad confirms this feeling still today: 'I know it's a harsh way to look at things but that's the difference between a champion and the rest. Just look at the careers of Dani Pedrosa and Jorge Lorenzo. Dani had Alberto Puig and Jorge had his old man, both of them hard as nails. If you want to make it to the top I think it takes somebody with an unforgiving view on life to help get you there. So I said those things to Casey, particularly when we went to the UK, because to keep moving up a level he couldn't just be happy with winning a race. If he wasn't winning by a margin that represented his maximum performance then he wasn't showing people how much better he was than the rest.' There's no denying that Dani, Jorge and I became successful with that kind of upbringing and sometimes you probably do need it. As far as I'm concerned Alberto was nowhere near as tough on Dani as my dad was on me or Jorge's dad was on him. That kind of intensity and expectation puts a lot of extra pressure on a father-son relationship that isn't always healthy. We definitely had our moments and there were a few major blow-ups to come. But at the time, rightly or wrongly, it was proving to be a good system for us and I was eager to continue impressing my dad and others with my performances on the track.

(quick reminder, jorge's review of his father's style of parenting was describing him as "a kind of hitler")

but in general the emphasis is very much on how much casey enjoyed racing, on how single-minded casey was when it came to racing. he might have been isolated by his racing (again this is from the autobiography, in the context of discussing being bullied by kids in school until he got 'protection' from his dirt track friends):

School life was a whole lot better after that but I still hated it. All my real friends were from dirt-track; they were the only people I had anything in common with.

and he's talked about how other parents misinterpreted his shyness as him not actually wanting to race, which meant they were judging casey's parents as a result (autobiography):

Mum tells me that the other parents thought she and Dad were awful because I cried as I lined up on the start line. She remembers: 'I was putting his gloves on his hands and pushing his helmet over his head. The thing was, I knew Casey wasn't crying because he didn't want to ride or because he was scared. He just didn't like the attention of being stared at by all these people!'

but like. overall racing for him was still something he portrayed as a very positive aspect of his childhood. something he always clung onto, something that was his choice to pursue

so... let's play compare and contrast with some specific passages of the autobiography and this podcast, you decide for yourself. take this from his autobiography:

After I started winning more times than not, and it was obvious my passion for bikes wasn't wavering, Mum and Dad decided that seeking out sponsors could be a great idea to help offset some of the costs of travelling to meets and keeping the bikes in good order.

and here, in a longer excerpt about what a sickly child casey was, what his mother said (autobiography):

'They tested him for cystic fibrosis and he was on all kinds of medication; you name it, he was on it. But Casey still raced, we couldn't stop him.' I know I was sick but Mum was right, I wasn't going to let that stop me.

versus this from the podcast, when he's responding to a completely open question about how he got into riding:

To be honest, I don't know if I was allowed to have any other attraction to be honest. I think it was, you know, you're going to be a bike rider from when I was a very very young age - and I'm not the only one to think that. I think my parents have stated that enough times to certain people and you know I was sort of pushed in that direction. My elder sister who's six and a half years older than me, she actually raced a little bit of dirt bikes and dirt track before I was born and when I was very young, so it was sort of a natural progression to go and do a little bit more of that and I think because at the time road racing was a lot more similar to dirt track. That was our sort of way in.

this was one of the very first questions in the interview, it basically just consisted of asking casey how he got into biking in the first place - whether it had come through his family or whatever. casey chose to take the response in that direction... it's not an answer that is just about his own internal passion, how he loved riding the second he touched a bike, how he loved it throughout his childhood etc etc (which is how it's framed in the autobiography) - but instead he says he wasn't allowed to do anything else. he says that he was pushed in that direction, that his parents have openly said as much to others. that he feels vindicated in the belief he was never given another choice

let's play another round. here from the autobiography:

Mum and Dad used to stand at the side for hours on end watching me practise at different tracks. They'd sometimes clock laps with a stopwatch as I went round and round. Other parents couldn't see the point in taking it so seriously but they didn't realise it was what I wanted. I was having fun. Working out how to go faster was how I got my kicks and I couldn't stop until I had taken a tenth or two of a second off my best time on any day. If another kid came out onto the track with me I would be all over them, practising passing them in different ways and in different corners, but most of the time they avoided riding with me and I would be out there on my own, racing the clock.

and this (autobiography):

I enjoyed racing so much that even when I was at home riding on my own I would set up different track configurations to challenge myself. I'd find myself a rock here, a tree there, a gatepost over there and maybe move a branch and that would be my track.

versus here, in the podcast:

Q: And did you realise at the time that you were - not groomed, is not the word but well you were being groomed to be a professional motorcycle racer, or obviously that was your only one reference point, that was the norm. Did that just feel the norm or did you think actually this feels a bit intense or how did you feel about it? A: I think it's hard, it's not until I sort of reached my mid teens where I started to have a bit of a reality check on what I was actually doing. Before then, you know I was competitive. I'm not as competitive as people think, I'm a lot more competitive internally rather than externally versus other people. I always challenge myself to things, so all those younger years was just getting the job done that I was expected to do. I enjoyed winning, I loved it, but you know I enjoyed perfect laps, perfect races, as close as I could get to that and you know from a young age I always sort of challenged myself constantly to be better. So I didn't just win races, I tried to win them - you know, if I won races by five seconds in a [...] race I'd try and win, you know I'd try and get to double that by the end of the day if I could. So you know that always kept me sharp and it stopped me from being sort of, you know, complacent in the position I was at. And it wasn't until sort of you know 16, 17, 18 that reality kicked in. I'd had a couple years road racing in the UK and Spain, been rather successful and then you get to world championships and you know maybe an engineer that was sort of - didn't have your best interests at hear. And, you know, I nearly finished my career right there after my first year of world championships just because of the reality of how hard it was in comparison to everything else I'd experienced up to that point. And, you know, it was a real reality check for me and I think it was then that I started to - you know consider everything around me and consider how and why I got to the position that I was in and that's when the mind started to change a little bit and realise that you know I really was being groomed my whole life just to sort of be here and be put on a track and try and win. And, you know, that was my seemingly most of my existence.

in all the excerpts, he stresses how much he enjoys his perfect laps, how much he enjoys riding, how there is genuine passion there, how dedicated he is to this pursuit... but then in the podcast, he's adding something else - how he'd been groomed his whole life into that role of 'professional bike racer'. that it was only in his late teens (when he was in 125cc/250cc) where he had this moment of 'man I never really had a choice in all this'

and another round. here's him talking in the autobiography about how all the money he got through racing went back into racing - but it was fine because it was the only thing he cared about anyway:

I don't remember seeing any of the money I earned because it all went back into my racing, although I guess at the time that's all I really cared about anyway. I didn't know anything else. Mum and Dad always said to me: 'If you put in the effort, we'll put in the effort.'

and here in the autobiography on how he just wanted to ride all day:

I couldn't ride my bike all day, though, as much as I would have liked to.

and him talking in the autobiography about his parents encouraging him and his sister to 'chase their dreams':

Mum and Dad encouraged both Kelly and me to follow our passions and work hard to chase our dreams. That might sound strange when you are talking about a seven-year-old but I don't think you are never too young to know that if you want something you have to earn it.

versus this in the podcast:

Q: And I've never asked you this before, but did you want to? A: Um... I think I'd been convinced of a dream I suppose. You know, yes I loved riding bikes and you know I really did enjoy racing... but there was lots of other things that I - I really enjoyed as well but just never had the opportunity or never was allowed to do anything else, so... You know, motorbikes for our budget everything fortunately dirt track was probably the cheapest way that you could go motorbike racing. You could survive on very very little in dirt track and show your potential in other ways. You know, yes, having good bikes and good tyres and all that sort of thing made a difference but it wasn't the be all end all, you could always make a difference in other ways, so... I think it was, you know - the best thing we could have done, racing through that. Like I said I enjoyed it, it wasn't until late teens, early 20s where I sort of was like, I don't know if I would have been a bike racer had I actually had a choice.

was riding really all he cared about? or were there other things he was interested in, things he just never had the opportunity to pursue? things he wasn't allowed to pursue? from the autobiography, you get the sense that his parents always deliberately portrayed it as casey's dream, something he was expected to work hard for in order to be allowed to fulfil. in the podcast, casey says it was a dream he was 'convinced' of. without wanting to speak too much on the specifics of this parenting relationship we only have limited knowledge of, this kinda does all sound like athlete parent 101: getting it into their kids' heads that this is the dream of the child, not the parent, before holding it over them when they fail to perform when their parents have invested so so much in their child's success. casey's family was financially completely dependent on his racing results when they moved to the uk - he was fourteen at the time. he was painfully conscious of his parents' 'sacrifice' to make 'his dream' possible. can you imagine what kind of pressure that must be for a teenager?

to be clear, this isn't supposed to be a gotcha, I'm not trying to uncover contradictions between what casey said back then and what he's saying now. obviously, this is all very... thorny, complicated stuff, and casey has had to figure out for himself how he feels about it, how he feels about how his parents approached his upbringing. but it is worth pointing out that this isn't necessarily just a question of his feelings changing over time - if the internal timeline he provides in the podcast is correct, he was really having that realisation in his late teens, early 20s, so on the verge of joining the premier class. that is when he says he had the thought "I don't know if I would have been a bike racer had I actually had a choice"... which is a pretty major admission, you have to say, especially given how rough those premier class years often ended up being on him. but then that realisation would have already come years and years before he wrote his autobiography, it would've been something he carried with him for most of his career. given that, you do look at his autobiography and think that he did make the decision to frame things pretty differently back then, that he decided to exclude certain things from his narrative. if this really is already something that's been festering within him for years, if he does feel like he wants to be a bit more open about all of that now than back then... well, hopefully it shows he's been able to work through all of it a bit more in the intervening years

(this is somehow an even thornier topic than his relationship with parents, but relatedly there is a bit of a discrepancy between how bullish he is in his autobiography about how mentally unaffected he was by his results, versus how he's since opened up since then about his anxiety. again, I want to stress, this is not a gotcha, he's under no obligation to share this stuff with the world - especially given the amount of discourse during his career about his supposed 'mental weakness'. it is still important in understanding him, though, how he consciously decided to tell his own story in the autobiography and how he's somewhat changed his approach in the subsequent years)

this is the rest of his answer to that podcast question I relayed above:

But at the same time you know I felt that no matter what I would have done, I sort of have a - my mentality of self-punishment, you know, of never being good enough that always drove me to try and be better and any single thing that I did, I didn't like it when I wasn't not perfect. I don't believe in the word perfect but I really didn't enjoy when I wasn't, you know, in my own terms considered a good enough level at anything I did so I would always sort of try to get up as high as I could regardless of what for.

at which point hodgson says exactly what I was thinking and goes 'god what a line' about the "mentality of self-punishment" thing. it is one hell of a line!

what's really interesting about this podcast is how these two big themes of 'this wasn't my choice' and 'self-punishment' end up kinda being linked together when casey talks about how the motogp world reacted to him... so again I'm gonna quickly toss in a bit from the autobiography (where he's talking about casual motorcycling events he went to as a kid), because it does read similarly in how for him the joy and competitive aspects of riding are closely linked:

It was a competition but it wasn't highly competitive; it was just for fun, really. Of course, I didn't see it that way, though, and I had dirt and stones flying everywhere. I don't think anyone expected the park to be shredded like it was. When I was on my bike, if I wasn't competing to my maximum level then I wasn't having as much fun.

and back to the podcast:

And also because people truly didn't understand me, that I'm not there just to enjoy the racing. As we're explaining, before that, you know it was sort of a road paved for me... And so the results were all important, not the enjoyment of it. And then you cop the flak for everything you do. I'm also very self-punishing, so it was kind of a - just a lose lose lose and it was all very very heavy on myself, so... It, you know, it took me till my later years to realise I could take the pressure off myself a little bit and go look you've done all the work you've done everything you can, you got to be proud of what you've done, so... Not necessarily go out there and enjoy it, because I don't believe you should just be going out in a sport where you're paid as much as we are expect to get results and just - you know - oh I'm just going to go and have fun it's like... yeah, nah, if you're just going to go and have fun then you're not putting in the work. And that's when we see inconsistencies etc. So I was very very harsh on myself and so even when I won races, if I made mistakes or I wasn't happy with the way I rode, well then yeah I'm happy I won but there's work to do. There was more to get out of myself and so that's where I copped a lot of bad... um, let's say bad press because of those kind of things and then they sort of attack you even more because they didn't like the fact that you didn't celebrate these wins like they wanted you to they expect you to I suppose treat every victory like almost a championship and you know it's not that I expected these wins but I expected more of myself and therefore maybe I didn't celebrate them as much as you know other people do.

kind of brings together a lot of different things, doesn't it? this whole profession was a path that was chosen for him... which he links here to how the results were 'all important' for him, how it just couldn't ever be about enjoyment. he always punished himself for his mistakes, he was under constant pressure, which also affected how he communicated with the outside world... he was so committed to self-flagellation that he made it tough for himself to actually celebrate his victories, which in turn wasn't appreciated by the fans or the press. so on the one hand, casey's obviously still not particularly thrilled about how much of a hard time he was given over his particular approach to being a rider. but on the other hand, he's also describing how all of this can be traced back to how becoming a rider was never actually his 'choice'. he's detailed his perfectionism before, including in his autobiography, including in discussing his anxiety disorder more recently - but this is explicitly establishing that link between the pressure he'd felt during his childhood to how he'd been pushed into this direction to how he then had to perform. he couldn't afford to be anything less than perfect, so he wasn't, and at times he made his own life even tougher as a result of his own exacting standards. this just wasn't stuff he's said in such straightforward, explicit terms before... and now he is

my general thing with casey is that his reputation as a straight shooter or whatever means people aren't really paying enough attention to how he's telling his own story. like, I kinda feel the perception is 'oh he used to be more closed off because the media ragged on him but since retirement he's been able to tell it like it really is' or whatever. and I'm not saying that's necessarily wrong, but it's not quite as simple as that. because he's not a natural at dealing with the media, he's put a fair bit of thought into how to communicate better with them (which he does also say in the podcast), and he's explicitly acknowledged this is something he looked to valentino for in order to learn how to better handle. because casey has felt misunderstood for quite a long time, he's quite invested in selling his story in certain ways - and it's interesting how what he's chosen to reveal or emphasise or conceal or downplay has changed over time. which means there will be plenty of slight discrepancies that pop up over time that will be as revealing as anything he explicitly says... and it tells you something, what his own idea of what 'his story' is at any given time. this podcast isn't just interesting as a sort of, y'know, one to one, 'this is casey telling the truth' or whatever - it's reflecting where his mind is at currently, what he wants to share and in what way, and how that compares to his past outlook. the framing of his childhood was really something that popped out about this particular interview... it's not like it's exactly surprising that this is how he feels, but more that he decided to say all of this so openly. some pretty heavy stuff in there! hope the years really have helped him... man, I don't know. figure it all out, for himself. something like that

[hopeinthebox]

tagged by my beloved no.1 chappell roan stan @cordiallyfuturedwight thanks my darling <33 i can only apologise for the lack of ms roan here... i swear good luck babe has been on repeat i don't know what happened

tagging the usual suspects, apologies if i've already missed yours: @aprylynn @jiminsproof @thvinyl @cosmicdreamgrl @visionsofgideontheninth @hoseeok @kimchokejin @jihopesjoint @monismochi <333 and you dear reader

oh and see here for more of my self-proclaimed songs of the summer if you're interested in that kind of thing

[icewindandboringhorror]

Apparently I can meet my goal of roughly 400,000 words in 6 months if I just somehow write at least 2,200 words a day ghbjh... Almost 2,500 today... huzzah...

[hauntingblue]

NAMI NEEDS TO GO UP THERE AND FIGHT BIG MOM I AM SO SERIOUS!!! THIS IS A BATTLE FOR THE ROMANCE DOWN TRIO!! SANJI DO NOT DARE TAKE HER SPOT!!!

[minecraftwolfpup]