#And I do all the easy shit myself
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love it when the mechanic calls me up when my car is in the shop and there's like this awkward pause and slightly evasive behavior as he tries to figure out how to tell me my car is fucked and its going to cost me oodles of money to fix it. like. yes. I do know exactly what's wrong with it. and I do know exactly how much it's going to cost me. just spit it out buddy. I already have the gc laying odds on which one of my estimates is more likely
#it's not worth it to me to send my car to the shop for anything less than $1500 in repairs#And I do all the easy shit myself#So yeah I knew what sway bars and ball joint control rods and tires and brake calipers and whatever would cost#And then once things are sufficiently involved I'm like just do the battery and spark plugs too because it's cold as hell#and I don't wanna do em myself in the snow#it was $2300 if anyone is curious#200 less than I had budgeted so I'm counting it as a win
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I think it would really benefit people to internalize that mental illnesses are often chronic and not acute. Some of us will never be able to jump the hurdle of managing illness, much less sustaining a sense of normalcy. Many of us will never "recover," will never manage symptoms, will never even come close to appearing normal - and this is for any condition, even the ones labeled as "simple" disorders or "easy-to-manage" disorders.
It isn't a failure if you cannot manage your symptoms. It isn't a moral failure, and you aren't an awful person. You are human. There's only so much you can do before recognizing that you cannot lift the world. Give yourself the space to be ill because, functionally, you are.
#mental health#mental health advocacy#like... anxiety and depression are often concieved of as simple and easy to manage...#...but that isn't the case for so many of us. anxiety and depression just have a lot more research invested into them...#...and while i wish this were the case for literally every other condition it does alter people's perception of you to some extent...#...so while this is NOT solely about anxiety or depression it includes us...#...my anxiety and depression and PTSD have *destroyed* my life. this is chronic and will probably be life-long...#...and that isn't my fault. i've done the fucking work but guess what? that doesn't account for the fact that I Am Just ILL#the least we can do for each other is to be compassionate#be compassionate to those who cannot heal. be compassionate to the people who can't manage their lives. this world is scary enough#recognize that management of symptoms is something not all of us can do - even IF their condition is labeled as 'easy to manage'#i allowed myself to feel angry that i can't heal 'normally' and that was unfair as fuck toward myself#and i NEED people to internalize this so that MAYBE this could help somebody else who is where i was#i NEED them to understand that it's okay that they are where they are - sometimes shit just doesn't turn out how you expect or want#don't beat yourself over you being a person. you are struggling enough. you deserve to rest. just rest please#and just... give yourself space
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How did you get so good at animating and drawing? Aside from practice, what techniques do you use? What software do you use?
I only know the basics/fundamentals of both drawing and animation.
For drawing, I've carried out lessons about the Elements and principles of design, the history of graphics design, traditional drawing techniques, color theory, anatomy, character design, blah blah blah. Lots of info I still do my best to practice/put in my art. If y'all notice me animating gifs then it's bc I have time to do so... ( I'm in term break until late July ) They're likely short, but it's through animation blocking, timing, and incorporating both in-betweens and tweening.
I've used Adobe Animate/After Effects for school projects, sometimes for doodles only, I currently use Clip Studio Paint bc it's where I'm more comfy with ^^ Maybe someday I'll be able to afford Toon Boom hehe.
#messyr#always morally correct to pirate adobe products guys trust me in this one#anyway it's not that im THAT GOOD- I just expose myself to so much media consumption + my unquenchable thirst for art is just something#I still have a lot of flaws in my works from mediocre to average in professionals/industry's eyes. Theres still so much to learn and try#Considering my course as a multimedia student- also feeds the 'I want to learn everything and anything' mindset.#born to animate forced to be a mixed package: honestly im not even gonna complain AHAHAHHA#im actually surprised im not burnt out after 2d animation finals in 1st year and film production finals 2nd year#MANIFESTING TO GRADUATE AS JACK OF ALL TRADES / MASTER OF NONE#pls dont percieve me as easy going or envy shit- i work TWICE as hard in everything I do bc imindubitably so dumb at times#not only that but almost always handicapped as if God decides to nerf patch my life every damn time
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“white mourning.”
#‘‘A white mourning. A modern death. Divorce or something similar. All you can do is put more distance between you & him. make him smaller.’’#jean is a very easy character to hate if you know nothing about him. & you know what they say. easy target doesn’t make for a good practice#judit literally compares harry to intellectually disabled man yet you don’t see ppl hating her because she is outwardly nice.#she’s polite yes but she doesn’t care as much as jean cares for harry#he is not perfect. he is mean. but loyal. if he truly didn't care he wouldn't hab come back to martinaise & coulda just reported harry’s as#he put up with du bois’ bullshit for years and built a toxic (totally straight) relationship with him yet always comes back.#he says he will leave you in the village to die but please understand harry isn't exactly a great person. especially pre-bender hdb.#planned a make up joke & put on a wig for hdb even tho he wasn’t the who started the whole fiasco#you can hate him all you want for leaving harry before & during tribunal but how could he have foreseen all this bullshit would have happen#his second leaving is kinda bullshit writing but#jv is dealing with his own demons too. clinical depression. partner almost died. job is shit. case spiraling out control#i do not blame the DE staff either. sometimes shit just happens. not everything needs a grand explanation.#but it definitely coulda been handled better. but i understand. resources were sparse.#i relate to jv. as someone with temper issues & attention problems i have to remove myself from the scene or i'll say shit i'd regret late#my man is having the worst week of his life. leave him alone.#kim is great but have u heard of a man who thinks he's old when he is only 30 & luvs horses & his commie boyfriend that he's divorcin' soon#disco elysium#de fanart#jean vicquemare#disco elysium fanart#jean heron vicquemare#jean posting#illustration#de#artists on tumblr#I WANTED TO DRAW THIS FOR MONTHSSS YOU COULDN'T IMAGINE. HE LITERALLY HAUNTED ME IN MY SLEEP!!!#i love him normal amount. very healthy. much feelings#my little maiu maiu#cryptiduni#my art
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very tentatively simmering on the stove
#blabs#idk why all of a sudden but i suddenly had motivation to peek at rpgmaker again#and i watched a bunch of videos and tested some things myself#and man. if ur only goal is to make one of those mild puzzle walking talking simulators?#this shit is easy.#TO LEARN. im sure in theory keeping all the events in check gets hassling. but like#trust me if u wanna try doing rpgm but ur scared. dont be.#ANYWAY im not saying too much bc i dont wanna fall under the ori posted smth and will never touch it again curse#oc#kei
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making a list of my favorite quote/ones that stuck with me from each season 1 episode because i feel like it
(i'm starting this after episode 4 but it will be a WHILE before i post it)
episode 1: "bones are a lie peddled by Big Milk" - alice
i love this one because it's a great introduction to alice i think. also it radiates spiral so i hope we get avatar alice not dead alice (isnt there a podcast called alice isnt dead?)
episode 2: "If I wanted to clear the canvas, I would have used turpentine." - statement
this one was just fucking powerful and caught me so off guard like 😶
episode 3: "What would I do without her?" - statement
the norris statement <3 it feels like martin asking what he would do without jon which makes mag200 a lot sadder and i love them
episode 4: "Perhaps you shall prove a stronger will than I, and will yet find it within yourself to destroy this hungry thing of wood and cat-gut." - statement
augustus sighting #1 and we immediately get jonah magnus expressing that it may be possible for gwen bouchard unknown family member to overcome the eye's hunger spooky violin
episode 5: "Voyeur needs to be seen to be believed." - statement
i feel like this one is pretty reflective of how the seasons gonna go? like if you explain the events of tma (mag200 specifically) no one's gonna believe you, it must be seen to be believed!! and also seen!! like the eye!!!
episode 6: "Not sca- This isn’t some poxy blood test, some little pinprick, this is hundreds, thousands of razor sharp points pushing into your flesh." - needles
i love needles so much and i thought this was really funny because it was like "you dont find me scary!! what the fuck!!!" just kind of toddler michael energy
episode 7: "It’s not like we’re wrestling with tape recorders and manila folders." - celia
STOP IT. celia you can't say that you just cannot!!!!!! you Know™ too much maam i cant with you
episode 8: "Pleasure to meet you both. I’m Gerry!"
RAGHHHHH OH MY GOD GERRY!!!! i love him so much and idk how to handle him being alive in the tmagp universe!! gertrude too but idk we got so much of her in tma and not nearly enough of gerry
episode 9: "And honestly, it’s kind of compelling by this point." - sam
they got him 😔😔 the horrors got sam 😔😔 also i found this to be an interesting contrast to jon's heavy resistance in season 1 like he was being compelled but he wasn't going to let anyone know that vs sam "its kinda compelling to trauma dump on this paperwork :]" how is he somehow even more victim material
episode 10: "Gosh you’re sexy, here’s a twenty for your trouble.” - alice
does this count as a quote if shes also quoting what she thinks sam should say? idk anyway i love her i would say that to her if given the chance and it was very silly. i will not be addressing bonzo i am scared.
episode 11: "...Thank you, Alice" - gwen
dyhard dyhard dyhard dyhard dyhard. okay also, the way she CRUMBLED at the idea of anyone doing anything nice for her please someone give her a hug and let it be ME. this series is tossing me back and forth between sam & alice (what is their ship name) and dyhard but this put me back to dyhard
episode 12: "You know it's rude to have absolutely no game?" - alice
she's so fucking funny i need her to be okay so badly!!!! i don't think even tim made me laugh as much as she makes me chuckle and this one really got me. it's hard to write such a comedic character in a podcast since you only have the voice but they really nailed it i adore her
episode 13: "Is it my fault?" - gwen
each of these episodes just reveal a little bit more about how loving and soft gwen is and idk i love her so unbelievably much so seeing that she felt guilt about the bonzo stuff just made her so much more real :(
episode 14: "Christ, they’re in the walls…" - statement
theyre in the walls!!! theyre in the goddamn walls!!!!! anyway that got me because i realized the hole before the statement said it. made more sad than scared tbh
episode 15: "Babies are cool!" - alice this entire interaction between her and sam & celia was so awkward, she is so obvious and i love her anyway
episode 16: "It’s not like I was holding doors open for Mr Bonzo or anything." - gwen my wife is so so so stupid but i adore her AND this gives room for character development. i wish she did not do that though. i love when characters are flawed and have depth but i struggled to get past THIS flaw of hers
episode 17: "Thanks, I guess. Not exactly the same, though, is it?" - celia shes talking TO JON IN THE COMPUTER. SHE KNOWS. i lost my damn mind i love her i love her. get the gay people out of the puter please queen
episode 18: "Why would I need to talk to you? Your work is satisfactory. Unless you have a work-related issue I could assist you with?" - lena solidified my opinion that lena is the best boss to ever have, i adore her and i would want to work for her if she wasn't the boss of Creepy Establishment #1
episode 19: "You’re going to throw it in the fishtank, aren’t you?" - alice colin's behavior is like really worrying BUT i'm glad he's back. i was not convinced he was still alive
episode 20: "I suppose it’s too late for remorse, isn’t it? And why should I be sorry? This is what I deserve!" - ink5oul/statement they reminded me of jon a lot, like especially his season 3/4 transformation when he doesn't quite know everything but he knows he isn't who he was in season 1 anymore, i hope we see more of their life and they can be helped :(
episode 21: [Tape Recorder Bites Ink5oul] - audio description i know it's not technically a quote but this is just so fucking funny. why does it have teeth. what does this mean for the lore. holy shit.
episode 22: "Jonathan Sims and Martin Blackwood" - celia. knawing at the walls of my enclosure i am so not okay. i'm not okay. wtf. wtf. wtf. they're real. wtf.
episode 23: "I had a favorite mug. It said “love you, bitch” and had a picture of a drunk dog on it." - alice. okay i just love this entire interaction because gwen got to open up a little bit and my dyhard heart is so full
episode 24: "I am told that children like me, and I’ve always held the opinion that the world would be a better place if everyone just thought more." - basira. once again this whole interaction was so fun but like idk i loved hearing basira somewhat happy and in a safe place :] my wife <3
episode 25: " I am trying to help, to save us from this goddamned fucking nightmare machine!" - colin. MAN I REALLY WAS ROOTING FOR YOU!!! I WAS SO CONFIDENT YOU WEREN'T GONNA DIE!!!! it's over
episode 26: "I was worrying for a moment that you were Magnussing." - alice. MAGNUSSING BEING CANON MADE ME SAY IT EVEN MORE I'VE SAID IT LIKE TWICE ALREADY
episode 27: "You didn’t tell me the room was labelled, “Archivist.”" - celia. oooooh somebody's got TRAUMAAAAA LMAO
episode 28: "So you’re telling me you know nothing about an OIAR external contract being found with the bodies of two tattooed thugs who met rather grisly ends?" - TREVOR HERBERT???? anyway. ink5oul mention!!!!! i hope they stop killing people it's really rude
episode 29: "Alice, er… we’ve got to talk. It’s important." - teddy. i knew it was over for him but i didn't think it was gonna be THIS bad??? bye babe i guess??? 😭
episode 30: how do i even pick. the whole fucking episode. i can't. i am in a state of shock. i need to lay down for 30 years.
#honorable mentions:#“canaries should stay above ground” because holy shit (1)#“i don’t scare so easy these days” because oh my god its our celia (7)#“i like them”/“of course you do” because weeping weeping weeping (8)#“oh no not again! oh the horrors! nooooo” that one was just really funny and not exactly part of the episode (9)#“can he read?” (10) bc it enforces the gwen/jon parallels (“you dont sound?? russian??”)#“the deep will care for his bones” (11) it creeped me out and i loved it#“the cover had this awful comic sans title 'mr. bonzo's on his way'” (12) comic sans font was so funny it almost made it not horrific#“I have a baby. Jack. He’s just over a year old now.” (13) like BARNABAS. i know him.#“The only drama is the dilemma of how I could possibly get by without you all to myself!” (14) alice.... alice....#“Oh no! Who keeps taking Georgie’s face?!” (18) SHE'S BACKKKKKKK#''I swear if I hear one more word about Trevor-bloody-Herbert MP I am going to blow up Parliament.'' (27) because WHAT LMAO??? WHATTT#''when I first awoke I knew nothing nothing but the dream of things that sliced my who from me with claws like scalpels'' (30) i cried#''They’re gone Alice. They’re gone.'' (30) tweaking#''What happens now? You push me? Stab me? Or do I need to jump in myself? Come on what’s stopping you?'' (30)#can i just put the whole episode in honorable mentions too atp.#''We are the hilltop. It is me and I am it and we are. We are…'' (30)#''Yeah sure. Sorry to bother you. Goodbye Alice.'' (30)#okay i'm done#i can't i .. i ..#the magnus protocol#tmagp#magnus protocol#tmagp spoilers#tmagp season 1#the magnus pod
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Miwabiwis.......
I actually do like her official outfit! I just... had a deep need.... put that girl in a nightgown and slippers RIGHT NOW‼️‼️‼️‼️ Also it is admittedly so much easier to draw 🧍
I did try to keep in line with most of her official look though! Or add more emphasis to little details, like the red berries... other details I added, like the bloomers, keep the roundness of her og dress! BUT ALSO.... they are just so cutes.... I imagine they're made of rose petals...... I was also thinking angelic motifs. With the dress shape, and the smaller wings shaped as such!
#fire emblem#feh#so much of this was just. trusting her color palette actually. like i feel there are just A Lot. of colors here.#some of which idk if the even should work together!!! in combination like this!!! red/pink! easy! pink/purple! easy!#pink/green! ONE OF MY FAVES. pink/blue? CLASSIC. pink w a rainbow gradient? THE CROWD GOES WILD I LOVE THAT SHIT#pastel pink/hot pink! YIPPEE!!!!! all together?? um. all? together? all of them? you said. all of them?????? hhngh. OKAYYY....#ADD A LITTLE PINK/YELLOW IN THERE. JUST FOR FUNSIES. FOR THE BIT. ALRIGHT!!!! WHY THE FUCK NOT!!!!!!!#trying to balance this w my own touches too. like the butterfly clips. they add SO much whimsy.#you can tear those from my cold dead hands. do they match the berries at the bottom of her hair....? um. well#idk i just think she's so cute she makes it work.#another challenging thing from a logistical level though was trying to get the shapes right...#like. turning down the business of the design. trying to draw the eyes to a focal point (which i think is the gown?)#then your eyes can parse out ooohh big fluffy hair and cute round bloomers peaking through. and wings!#LIKE... i think the sleek simple gown w just a bit of ruffliness at the bottom does help a lot#she feels. balanced. i hope LMFAOOO#either way this is how i'm going to draw her now and you can't stop me. if i'm going to be drawing a chara one million times#I NEED. TO MAKE IT EASY ON MYSELF. and fun! i am SO in love w her little nightgown it's INSANE... look at hwr.... 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺#mirabilis#my art
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i used to freehand comics all the time as a child and since the part i liked was the drawing part i would just draw panel after panel because i didn't want to stop drawing to think about icky icky words, plus the story TOTALLY still made perfect sense! to me! and noone else, but 'whoooo caaaaares omgggg its not like comics and sequantial art are a communicative meeediummmm lmaoooooo'. i spent my entire childhood telling myself stuff like "oh pfft I know this story by heart- ill SIMPLY remember the dialogue and write it later" ...and. I can't help but admire baby maiora's (call that a minora ba tm tsk) fucking audacity? hubris? confident wrongness? kid couldn't even remember to finish the comics in the first place? INCREDIBLE levels of unearned self assurance, wish that were me, genuinely- what an icon!!! anyway i think i have forever cursed myself
#maiora garrulates#the maiora overthinks the process of writing dialogue saga continues!!!!!!!#im so tired. i have been overthinking this shit in circles i have not been making any progress in any which way lmao!#im bitching and moaning for funsies this is not that serious in the Grand Scheme Of Things i just wanna improve at my fav thing#and ❤️ Unfortunately ❤️ my favorite thing in the world involves learning MY MOST HATED *NEMESIS*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! verbal communication. ew#words are fun! i LOVE words! toys!!!!! im using words right now and i didn't combust!!!!! wow look at that!!!!!!!!!!!!!#putting words in SEQUENCE? multiple times?? filtering THOUGHTS into SENTENCES???? sentences that a character would or wouldn't SAY???#AND THEN THERE'S ANOTHER CHARACTER SOMETIMES???? AND THAT BITCH ALSO HAS THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS????? AND THEY ALL HAVE PERSONAL IDIOLECTS#AND TONES THAT S U P P O S E D L Y ARE IMPLICATED BY MANNERISMS AND VERBAL HABITS AND CIRCUMSTANCES (AND THERE'S WRONG ANSWERS! ALSO!!)#AND THEY'RE IN A CONTEXT!! AND THEY'RE INTERACTING WITH EACH OTHER AND INFLUENCING EACH OTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#THE CONVERSATION COULD VARY GIVEN ENERGY LEVELS WHETER OR NOT SOMEONE'S FOOT IS FALLING ASLEEP THE F U C K I N G WEATHER#“oh dialogue is easy just say it out loud to yourself until it 'sounds normal' ^^”#screaming crying throwing up NONE OF THIS IS INTUITIVE TO MEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....!#ok dramatics over its out of my system! for now!!!#this is all easily explained bc i just. draw a lot more than i talk to people. so like. OBVIOUSLY i have more practice drawing#so drawing comes natural! talking does not! subsequently dialogue is Hard! No FUCKING Shit Sherlock!!!!! (affectionate)#so yeah. im using y'all (the tumblr void) as practice! hi!!! words at you!!!!!!!!!!#so yeah thanks for baring with me while passing by my corner of the internet#i do love self indulgence this is fun check out my navel gazing actually no do not look at my belly button#anyway i just think this is mildly interesting. some of my writer buds have the same “not good enough” allergy towards visuals#but they use it to be mean2me >:( same bitch that “omg i cant i suck at drawing i can't do this-” does the “uhm. just write? lol.” 2 meeee#we could have peace and love on planet earth and a common experience and yet you KICK miette for being bad at words!!!1!!! </3 heartbreak!!#what the fuck was i talking about even#oh yeah. perfectionism within creatives i guess. LMAO JK i am talking about NOTHIN!!!!G i am just putting Words Out Here ehehehehehe#its practice >;)c#all this bc ive been doodling comics for myself again and im V!! PROUD OF THE ART!!!! wanna share- but DIALOGUE!*⚡sfx!!*....... so! options#a) leaving it blank. no there are NO microphones in the budget. b) leaving blank *balloons* so that the Rythm is there. implied convo!!!#c) ...doing it badly. (tragic)(heartwrenching)(teeny tiny bruise 2 the ego) *dramatic single tear cleches fists * its the only way.........#...we shall see! literally none of this is all that serious i am procrastinating!! <3 playing with my tuoys!!!!!!!! silly time!!!#/all lh! am reaching 30 tags so that is all for THIS episode of the maiora bitches about dialogue saga thank you for joining me!!okilyBuhBY
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that one post thats like "tumblr name a woman challege (impossible)"
#sorry for the disclaimer i don't want people getting fr mad#pamela voorhees#friday the 13th#pearbear#pear bear#fursona#I'm so pressed like you can't have jason without pam#he does all this shit because his mom told him to bro shes actually integral to his character#can you imagine being a mother of a deformed child and doing your damn best to raise him lovingly#only to lose him to the unfathomably cruelty of the deeply ableist world of 1950s USA??? This sweet boy who doesnt deserve it???#They took your baby from you for no reason other than passive apathy. Your baby that was your whole world. You can never see him again.#bro idk i'd be fucking beside myself. i think i'd go as insane as she did too. that poor woman. christ alive.#...She probably shouldn't have killed all those teenagers tho. just sayin mama i know misery loves company but like. take it easy.
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tough pill i have to swallow is realizing that “getting better” doesn’t mean “getting to do more things,” getting better for me means taking better initiative in protecting myself. and THAT means making sure i do LESS things
#sounds kinda obvious but i only just realized it lmao#feels like i have to grieve a lot of my goals now but no one said the healing process would be easy#danbles#and for anyone else that has a disability that prevents them from doing smth#or trauma that makes certain triggers limit their opportunities#or neurotypes that make it harder for them to love smth like they used to#or whatever else#i don’t want to make it sound like you have to give up on the things that make you happy#I’M certainly not going to#but a huge value of mine has always been experiencing everything life had to offer#and everytime that backfires (whether it’s burnout; triggering a flashback; triggering an episode; putting strain on my body; etc)#i always just thought to myself ‘it was bad timing’ or ‘i haven’t gotten better yet’ bc the endgoal was to always get to that point where#i could experience it. i want to try new things all the time. i want to feel normal and be included in everything#but if smth keeps Making Me Feel Bad then maybe there isn’t a version of myself that can take it on#it’s not resilience to put yourself in harm’s way#idk how well i’ll be able to put this into practice tbh. i rly rly like exploring different experiences#even negative ones are valuable to me#but the least i can do for myself is recognize that i might not always be the problem#maybe i’ve already hit the limit on all the self-work i can do. maybe it’s the environment or situation itself that’s the problem#fuuck guys i feel like i’m going thru a stage of grief here why is this shit so hard 💀
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👍
#i went to sleep at 3am and its 6am now bc i criedmyself to sleep 👍👍#sorry to ventdump my annoying insecurities again#i cant bring myself to do something i really want anymore#been having these thoughts since last year but this year its a lot more apparent#ideas are not scarce but the motivation/time to execute them are#i wish i could take an indefinite break on taking commissions bc by the time im finished with all of them im too burnt out/1#to draw for my blog and by the time it passes my motivation for these ideas also vanishes/2#I cant actually stop now bc im still an unpaid internee working for experience+portfolio so I need the money#I feel like shit whenever i can't get art done at the appropriate timing (ex: thematic holiday/character bday/event etc)#everything passes too fast and its already too late and the hype dies#its so hard to stay relevant and charismatic enough#Looking back I can't say im 100% satisfied with ANY art i posted this year#“was it worthy? is it still relevant? did I waste my time doing this?”#im too overly emotional over this (unfortunately) popular fictional lion beastman#“I want to yume/draw him more often/talk more about him!”#why? hes already popular enough. He has louder and more popular users who do that for him. nobody would care if it's you.#you'd get a swarm of hate. nobody would send you nice asks about it.#you don't get nearly half of the asks you used to receive back then. people just aren't interested in you anymore.#maybe you should delete your blog and start drawing trendy doodles of whatever is being hyped up at the moment.#.#if I can't execute original ideas what's the point of it?#I hate HATE having to do trendy art of whatever unfunny meme is being hyped up at the moment#but sometimes its necessary for the algorithm to boost you and to get some actual crumbs of engagement and new followers#what else can I do? being interesting on your own or having an interesting oc is no easy feat. I envy those who manage.
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in my quest to quell my pain ive only hurt myself worse. damned if i do damned if i dont.
#i need better coping mechanisms but it’s so easy to just turn to substances when you’ve never learned how to cope w your emotions#and physical pain. however a lot of it has been brought on by the substance abuse aka i did it to myself#so i probably deserve it#but i started with them in the first place to get rid of pain that was so overwhelming and constant#it feels like every time i do something to preserve myself im punished for it#and im so sick of it. i cant believe its gotten this bad#i drink to help the pain -> i get hungover and the pain is way worse -> i drink to stop that pain#and the worst part is it always works#realistically ive depended on substances for like a decade#i started drinking at 13 and fell into a rut of alcoholism at like 15/16#my mom was going thru a phase of alcoholism and roped me into it so bad if be woken up by her bringing me a drink at 9 am#and we’d drink till she passed out and i had to walk her to bed and cook for everyone and do all the chores#it went on for months one summer#then it was weed and i smoked every day from like 18-22#only thing thwt stopped me from drinking until i started again after both my parents died#i havent recovered since.#im still so traumatized and depressed that i looked for any method of relief#the dph phase was the worst. i think alc is even better than that lmfao it was horrible#once i got access to alc i stopped all that. wouldnt have if i hadnt had alc tho#it’s honestly been one addiction after the other for a decade#and my parents fueled so much of it#‘oh id rarher you drink under my eye than do it behind my back’#BRUH YOU WOULDNT LET ME GO ANYWHERE OR DO ANYTHING. HOW WOULD THWT HAVE HAPPENED#crazy how i was obsessed w drugs and shit by the time i was 10 and i remember thinking wow im gojna grow up to be an addict.#why am i so irreparably fucked up#idk whatever. like im not gonna drink abt it lmao.
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having a good day is so wild like what do you MEAN I'm not miserable and unmotivated and crushingly apathetic and absolutely exhausted brain fog just want to sleep???
#makes me realise oh. i am not well normally#whoops#i think. i think its side effects from the birth control which im supposed to give three months to stabilise#i do not think it was always this bad#the trouble with me is i cannot ever remember what it was like before#like ive never been good since i was about eleven#but i think this is a higher level of bad for me#worst thing is its still better than it was before#i could not continue having one week of every month be absolutely world consuming depression having to fight so hard to keep myself safe#that was just not continueable#so we tryin#cos yeah its shit and there's been periods where i can barely function#but ive been safe#and its not been all consuming#and its definitely got better so fingers crossed 🤞#the world doesn't hurt today and things are relatively easy#i dont get that very often and it's nice#ANYWAY pity party over lmao#many others have it so much worse#mine
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me praying to get any kind of IT job and now just being so embarrassed that it happened because I DONT FUCKING KNOW ANYTHING? like you'd seriously think i would but i dont know a goddamn thing. a coworker watched me struggle to turn back on a monitor that went into sleep mode today. i couldnt find the fucking button on it. like i want to kill myself over that and i wish i was being funny but im being hilarious. they watch me fumble putting in my password on these 2000 goddamn websites i have to have accounts for for some reason AND they put me on the phone to squeak mousily at angry people who are calling for higher stakes problems than the library (but that part wasnt that bad bc most of them i got to just transfer the call)....i just want to SCREAM. i just want to scream because of the enormity of my incompetence. but its not even that serious. but it is. it is
#im making it sound hard but thats whats funny is it totally isnt. its so easy. its so easy im almost mad. its boring. ITS BORING!#and old guys keep telling me cutting my hair is 'part of growing up' i wanna gag.#and my coworker talks to me about 'guy stuff' that i wish i could have it in me to fucking care about. I HATE CARS!#i mean i do care about custom pcs. but IM STUPID!!!!!!!!!!! SO I DONT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT DESPITE WANTING TO BUILD ONE.#im making it also sound like im having a miserable time but its complicated#and its giving me like a gender crisis but not like im not trans just like i cant stop feeling like a failure at all things gender#FTM as in failgirl to man this guy sucks#if i was more secure in myself at all i wouldnt let shit like that even bother me. but it dooooooooeeeeeeees#i attained no confidence and im starting to think thats impossible at my ripe young old age#is it ok if i have a crisis and blog it. do we still do that here
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i was raised by a pretty woman to become a pretty woman and so the end goal that i was always steered towards was someone buying me anything i want and doing anything for me for the low low price of enduring dehumanization and misogyny but what they dont want you to know is that you can actually just buy the shit yourself and take yourself out on weirdly expensive nights on the town. you can blow your whole paycheck on yourself and youre not even gonna make you feel subhuman about it
#sage.txt#lichrelly thinkin about this cos i washed my tub with the handheld shower head i bought myself#and i scrubbed out a gross spot that had been making me nauseous so my shower will be nice later#and it was easy to clean bc id bought the shower head#and like??? i dont have to let someone treat me like shit so that there are nice useable things in my house?#the trash wont pile up and the spiders will get killed without me allowing a man to live in my home#for the low price of i do the damn thing and spend the damn money#its still such a crazy concept bc when i realized i was gay i treated it like going to college for an att degree#that means ill be broke forever and i accepted that. being gay meant things wouldnt get fixed and i would never get treats#but nah not really i can simply be my own husband and i wont even spend the electric bill money on novelty shoes so#wins all around
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Anyone have any easy (cheap) dinners when you feel like shit and don’t want to do anything?
#I was hanging out with a friend for a bit#and I was doing fine#but then for some fucking reason once we parted ways my mood just DIPPED#so so so soooOooOoo duuuumb#anyway#trying to figure out some sort of easy cheap dinner that I can make#I really don’t want to go out again#(1-nothing sounds good 2-I’m broke and feel like I’m wasting money and 3-don’t wanna go by myself lol)#depression is kicking my ASS lately#and I’m trying to fight back by making food or doing something good for myself#but everything seems to be in my way#gotta figure out something to make then I usually get decision fatigue cause wtf#also literally nothing sounds good anymore I’m just sick of food tbh#then I gotta go shopping for shit cause we have nothing at my place#which is going to take all the little energy I have#and I’m not going to have any energy to actually cook#cause even if I do cook I’m gonna have to clean up and do dishes after#and like???????#how do people do this on a regular basis#I’m having trouble just surviving and people are cooking and taking care of themselves just fine#rant over#probably will end up just saying fuck it and getting something to eat out….. again 🙃#shut up rosie
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