#Also like oh my god i've been looking for this song for so fucking long because meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee lmao

[squarebracketsmileyface]

A Pearl by Mitski is kinda post Jaylex into Jam territory if you think about it.

Hello? Mind reader?? You are so correct???

This is even better mind reading because of what I was writing like right before I remembered i had this ask and wanted to answer it and shit. Like???? This is very much post Jaylex and into Jam, BUT it is also post Jaylex the first time they "broke up" oh my god.

Hang on, I'll explain it with the lyrics lol

Lyric analysis time because for some reason this is like my favourite thing to do when I wanna think about sorry its locked but can't actually write it for whatever reason.

You're growing tired of me You love me so hard and I still can't sleep You're growing tired of me And all the things I don't talk about

SO ABOUT THAT POST JAYLEX'S FIRST 'BREAK UP' ehehhehehehehehheheh. Right, so, after Alex started dating Amy in college, Jay did (eventually) start trying to, like, date and have sex with other people. He never really managed to date anyone, it was always just not-quite-actually-casual casual sex. And they always ended up getting tired of Jay, because they were trying their best and he was hung up on Alex still (and would be for the next rest-of-his-life) And Jay never actually talked to them about why he was the way he way, just learned to warn them ahead of time to try and scare them away so that he wouldn't end up getting hurt when they inevitably got too upset with him over something and broke it off with him.

And, obviously. Yeah, Jam. Jay's so worried that the same thing that happened with Alex and all the other people is gonna happen with Tim, and if it did it'd probably break him even worse than Alex did, honestly. Purely because the stuff with Tim would stack on top of the stuff with Alex and they'd become one thing and Jay would just not know how to deal with that literally at all.

Sorry, I don't want your touch It's not that I don't want you Sorry, I can't take your touch

Pre first Jaylex break up. Yeah. One of the reasons Jay got broken up with by at least one person was that they were meant to behaving casual sex, and Jay went through a period of time where he just, really really couldn't. Which like, fair, and fair i guess for the person being like, yeah i'll go find someone else to have sex with. but also they did it in a nasty way so never mind, fuck them lmao. (I just love putting Jay through shit lmao, I'm so sorry to that poor guy, I need to write a lil fluffy oneshot of him and Tim just being okay)

It's just that I fell in love with a war Nobody told me it ended And it left a pearl in my head And I roll it around every night Just to watch it glow Every night, baby, that's where I go

Ow. Just. Ow.

Cos, yeah, Jay did. He really, really did fall in love with a war didn't he? That whole relationship with Alex was just this constant series of battles with himself and his feelings for Alex, and battles with Alex himself because of how he treated Jay and how Jay wanted to be treated. And his brain can't fully comprehend that Tim's not going to just be the exact same as everyone else, the exact same as Alex. And the thing is that Tim IS going to be different, but they're not going to have enough time for Jay's head to actually wrap itself around that so that he can believe it.

And obviously, they never could get enough time, because of all the shit with the operator, but Tim at least is holding out hope that they'll both survive is and they'll get the time afterwards.

Sorry, I don't want your touch It's not that I don't want you Sorry, I can't take your touch

Jay's so scared that having issues with intimacy is gonna fuck up his chances with Tim, but it wont. Logically he knows it wont (and I refuse to make them angsty enough that Jay wouldn't bother to say no if he didn't wanna do something) but there is still this little part of his head that says that if he goes too long not wanting to have sex, it'll somehow fuck something up.

There's a hole that you fill You fill, you fill

Also I fully intend for Jay to be very unhealthy about Tim :] Just like he was very unhealthy about Alex (especially back in college)

Poor guy's gonna fucking idolize Tim once he realizes Tim really really actually likes him. Which, y'know. Not good. Thankfully Jay's lil eventual obsession or whatever it is (idk, a hyperfixation on a person? that's what I called it. Basically, pretty much every waking thought Jay has is somehow about Tim/reminds him of Tim, if Tim is even slightly in a bad mood Jay assumes it's because of him and gets viciously terrified that Tim's going to leave him and hate him forever, he'd accept any kind of 'penance' or punishment from Tim for whatever he did wrong, if anything bad happens to Tim Jay get's violently enraged and wants to 'fix it' the quickest way possible, etc. He basically feels like Tim is perfect and he can't live without him. idk if that makes sense? I'm tired and never figured out what the fuck this thingy is, but i'm giving it to Jay)

Tim is Jay's missing piece, and Jay's going to hack at his own edges to make sure that Tim fits him, just like he did back in college to try and make Alex fit him.

He's just made up of pieces of himself and other people that he sawed off and cobbled together to make sure that the person he was in love with would perfectly 'complete' and 'fix' him.

But it's just that I fell in love with a war And nobody told me it ended And it left a pearl in my head And I roll it around every night Just to watch it glow Every night, baby, that's where I go Just to watch it glow

goddamnit now i wanna plan a fic to dive into Tim and Jay's relationship after sorry its locked and before Jay dies, just so I can make Jay not okay and Tim not okay, but their brand of not okay works well enough for the short amount of time they have together. If Jay lived they'd have the worlds messiest break up oh my god lmao.

why do i torture them like this?

[typicalcommondandelion]

Haiii guys the animation is finished. Do you ever think about these two. Because I sure do

[sweatervest-obsessed]

Last, Last Time

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader (she/her pronouns)

WC: ~7.3k

TW: Angst, guns, violence, mentions of domestic violence, blood, swearing, depression, kidnapping, manipulation, self-deprecating thoughts, heartbreak, arguing, the grieving process, drinking, screaming, crying, sobbing, throwing up, being under pressure, and anything else that comes with a criminal minds episode.

a/n: based on S15 E6 - first date. I love u aubrey plaza <3. Also inspired by the song Last, Last Time by Boys Go To Jupitar. writing this was a little bit of a catharsis since it's one of the first things I've been able to write. I'm sorry I've been so m.i.a., i just moved to a new country and that has been a crazy experience. But to cope with that, enjoy some gut-wrenching angst!

Alternate Ending! Spencer Masterlist

“Spencer I won’t—I can’t keep doing this. I’m sick of arguing in circles.” 

“Y/n…”

“I-I feel like you take me for fucking granted Spencer. All I do is work and then come home and wait for you to actually be able to, I don’t know, sleep in the same bed as me for more than four hours.”

The look in his eyes almost took you out but your heart had already been broken long, long before this argument. If anything, you were starting to feel this sense of freedom as you broke his heart. 

“Please. Y/n. Just–I don’t—Just give me a few days to convince Hotch to let me have some time off and we can work on this please.” 

“Wait for the potential of us?” 

Spencer’s jaw loosened. You couldn’t read beyond the initial layer of pain and confusion, which made your chest ache since not too long ago you could have been able to find everything you needed in his expression.

“God Spencer this can’t be fucking news to you. We’ve been drifting apart for months now.” 

“I know, I know. You have been so patient with me and I’ve just been….there was that whole thing with Cat and then….I-I was trying so hard y/n…”

“No, first there was that whole thing with Maeve.”

“That’s not fair—”

“Oh that’s not fair? Really? You’re going to tell me the entire Maeve thing isn’t fair to you?”

“I’m sorry.”

You sighed and closed your eyes. “I’m not saying you weren’t trying but come one Spencer. There’s no need to deny this shit anymore. I hate it when you lie to me about these kinds of things.” 

Spencer’s hand came up to his face and it dragged down, aging him significantly with the fatigue written all over his face. 

“So you’re just going to pack up everything, break my heart, and leave? Were you even going to say goodbye, or was I going to come home to an empty home. A note or....” 

“I-I don’t know Spencer. I just don’t…” 

The tears were starting to creep in, and you had to place the box down before you lost it.

“This isn’t easy for me either…” Your chest heaved. 

The both of you stood in silence, tension simmering surrounding the both of you like heat on a summer’s eve. Neither of you could really look at one another, but it felt wrong to look at anything else. Something was missing but you couldn’t say it outloud. You knew you would always love Spencer Reid but this time it was not enough. 

“I’m tired of arguing Spencer.” 

Your eyes met his. You felt Spencer’s arms around you before you could even feel the tears hit your cheeks. Your arms immediately went to his neck, so familiar. No longer home. 

Spencer’s voice muttered into your ear. “Don’t cry Jolie. It’ll be okay..” 

About three years ago, Spencer had decided that he didn’t like that you had nicknames for him, and he had none for you. He spent weeks workshopping different ones : Sugar, Honey, Pumpkin, Sweetheart, Darlin, Pookie, Lover, Sunny (like sunshine), Sunshine—it was a wild few weeks trying to figure out who he was talking to. Then one day, offhandedly, he was trying to tell you about this french film he had been watching, and trying to get Emily to watch with him. 

He called you ‘tres jolie’, and blushing you had asked him what it meant. He told you it meant pretty. 

And it stuck. 

Now? It stung. 

All you could do was squeeze tightly onto him, not ready to let go.

“You’re so pretty when you’re lying through your teeth.” You whispered after a few moments, pulling away out of his arms. 

“I.” You swallow and step back, out of his reach. “Maybe I’ll...” 

Spencer just looked up at the ceiling, trying to hold in the tears that were streaming down his face. 

You grabbed the last box on the counter and your keys, and walked out, for the last time. 

You awoke in your bed, eyes adjusting to the complete darkness the blackout curtains provided you. 

Another fucking night thinking about your decision those four years ago, and how your life may have gotten better because of it. 

Moving to get up from the bed, you decided to leave the curtains closed for now, feeling as if you could melt from the sun touching you. 

You turned on the bathroom light and started your morning routine. Wash face. Take meds. Brush teeth. Fix hair—

Somewhere in that process, you got lost, and just stared at yourself in the mirror. You weren’t sure for how long. All you could do was replay the last four years. 

Did you make the right choice? You were happy, you had your dream job. 

Maybe it was true what they say, you can only have a career or love, but not both—

The only thing taking you out of this spiral was the ringer on your phone going off. 

This caused some hesitation because your phone’s ringer was always off––the loud noise startling you. There were only a few people who had that emergency bypass, and none of them had called you in four years. 

You peaked out of the bathroom and saw the name light up on your phone. 

Emily Prentiss

______________________________________________________________

The door to the round room opened up and in walked Spencer Reid. “Catch me up.” 

Prentiss clicked the remote, and the TV lit up with a picture of a woman smirking facing the camera while holding a gun up to another one next to her. “Early this morning, Garcia got an email from an anonymous server.”

The second woman was tied up, mouth slightly open, and eyes filled with tears, while a man on the other side just had his eyes closed, tired. . 

Spencer just stared at the photo. 

Rossi nodded at the picture. “She's not obscuring her face, telling us she's got nothing to hide.”

He never pulled focus away from the screen, mouth dry at the thought of what today was going to be. “Any ideas on the unsub?”

“No.” Prentiss sighed. “Only the unsub's demand. That we release Catherine Adams in 24 hours.  I'm having her transferred here for questioning, but we have no illusions. This is just a game to her. We know that. The question is, do we want to play it or not?”

______________________________________________________________

Receiving a call from the FBI was not entirely new to you, since you had been engaged to one of their agents, but receiving one now? Weird. Off brand. Something was deeply wrong from them to have to give you a call. 

You hesitantly pick up the phone. “Hello?”

“Hey Y/n, it’s Emily Prentiss—“

“I know who you are, Emily. It’s been a couple years, not millions.” 

Emily hummed a brief laugh, and you could hear other voices behind her, unable to make out anything. 

“I know this is hard to ask of you, but would you stay on the phone with me and come in?” 

“What?” 

“I need you to stay very calm Y/n, but I need you to stay on the line with me, leave your apartment as soon as you can, and get to the BAU.” 

“Oh my god I totally forgot. It might take me an hour to get there with all this bullshit traffic, could we push the reservation an hour? Would they be willing to do that?” 

Your entire tone changed, having remembered what Spencer had told you all those years ago about if people were listening into your apartment, if they bugged your car—all paranoia that didn’t pay off then, might be paying off now. 

You were sure you could hear Emily sigh, and it sounded a little upset at the fact that you knew what to do–you knew how to handle a dangerous situation, which made her question everything in her life. 

Quickly you pulled on a pair of jeans and threw a sweatshirt over your pajama top and grabbed your keys off of the counter. 

You left your apartment, waved to one of your neighbors, and hopped into your car, still on the line, just trying not to panic. Maybe something went wrong, maybe Spencer wasn’t okay, maybe he had died—you refused to even acknowledge that thought and decided it was something else entirely. 

It was a very tense hour of driving, that was only about forty minutes since you knew how to drive above the speed limit. 

You realized that it was past midday, and you had taken full advantage of the weekend. So at least you had a decent amount of sleep under your belt for what felt like the beginning of an extraneous night. 

As you pulled into the parking garage, Emily Prentiss and someone you had never met before were standing there waiting for you. You placed your car in park, hopped out and walked up to them–only hanging up as soon as you were out of the car. 

Both of them had such grim looks on their faces, but at least they were trying to pretend like the situation wasn’t as bad as it appeared to your face. 

Emily engulfed you in a hug. “Missed you Y/n. It’s been too long.” 

“Well Em, next time I end an engagement with someone I’ll consider your feelings first.” You squeezed him back, dryly laughing at your own joke. At least it caused Emily to snort. 

“Y/n this is SSA Luke Alvez. Luke, this is Y/n Y/l/n.”

“It’s nice to meet you.” He gave a small smile and nodded at you.

“I wish it were under different circumstances.” You nodded back and looked over at Emily.

“Let’s head inside?” 

The three of you moved inside. 

Sure, you hadn’t been here in a while, but you knew your way around the BAU Bullpen if your life depended on it, which was ironic since that was what this feels like. 

As soon as you were safely in their round table room, Luke shut the door, and stood by it, Emily coming and sitting down next to you. 

“What do you know about Cat Adams?” 

That bitch. 

______________________________________________________________

“I would like to go on a date. With you.” 

Spencer stared at her, face stoic as ever. “A date?”

“Yes. I want to look pretty. And I want to have fun.” She looked him up and down. “And I won't even get physical, ok? Unless you want me to.”

Spencer sat down across from her. “Come here. Closer.”

Cat leaned in, a small smile on her face, absolutely intoxicated by being so close to him.

“The only date that I'll be there for is the one where they stick a needle in your vein.”

Cat scoffed. “You're just going to let her father and sister die? I don't think so.”

“I never said it was a father and daughter. You're already slipping.” He stood up from the table. “We'll find them. We always do.”

Cat leaned back and crossed her arms. “Not tonight. Tonight I win.”

His resolution had yet to change, “The score between me and you is two to zero. By tomorrow morning, it'll be a clean sweep. Enjoy eternal nothingness. It's a metaphor for your life.” 

And with that, the door slammed shut behind him.

______________________________________________________________

Both the profilers watched a series of emotions run rampant across your face, before you settled on a somewhat displeased smile. “A lot.” 

They exchanged a look, and you didn’t have the energy to pretend like you didn’t know what it was. 

“Don’t start with me you two. I know profiling. I know what you’re doing. Ask me the questions you want to ask. Don’t try and trick me into giving the answers you want.” 

Alvez bit his tongue and looked away, trying to hide a small smile that appeared on his lips. 

Emily, on the other hand, hid her smile a bit better than him, but part of being previously engaged to a profiler meant you picked up on some of their tricks too. 

She nodded and pulled a file from across the table. “I’m assuming you know the basics since she, uh, is obsessed with Spencer.”

“Glad to see he still has that going for him.” You muttered and looked into the file. 

Emily shot Luke a look when he let out a huff or air, trying his damndest not to laugh. 

“What is the last thing you know about her?” 

You recounted the days leading up to the restaurant, and then the few days after, decidedly stopping short of the engagement breaking off a week later. 

They shared another look, and you didn’t enjoy whatever it was that had moved across their faces. 

“What? What happened?” 

“Y/n..”

“No Emily, I drove from DC to here, I deserve to know what happened. without some weird sugarcoating, alright?” 

Emily then begins to explain to you the past four years of Reid’s life. Cat pretending she was pregnant with his kid in prison, kidnapping his mother, framing him for murder in Mexico, going to prison—

“Spencer went to prison and none of you thought to call me….”

“We didn’t think you’d–” 

“I’m a fucking criminal defense attorney in DC Emily. Of course I’d want to know if he was arrested, especially internationally. I know that law better than all of you. If someone I knew was kidnapped, I’d call you immediately. Faster than the cops.” 

Both of them went silent. 

“So is he out?” 

They nodded slowly, silently. 

“How long was he in there.”

Nothing. 

“I asked. How. Long.”

Luke spoke up. “Three months.” 

“Jesus christ.” You stood up and started to pace around the room, taking the time you needed to calm down. 

Why didn’t Spencer call you—well you knew why Spencer wouldn’t call you. 

“Okay so he’s out.” You said finally. “Why am I here?” 

“Cat’s execution is coming up, and we….we found out that she’s convinced someone to kidnap some….people…close to Reid, and we knew you’d be on that list for him.” 

Your eyebrows went up at people but said nothing of it. Just as you went to say something else, JJ knocked on the door, another blonde woman behind her. 

They entered and JJ gave you a small, yet genuine smile. 

You returned it, but quickly shifted your gaze onto the woman behind. 

Your whole body shifted slightly, into a place of defense, locking your emotions down. You knew all the profilers were watching it happen in real time, which is why Emily walked over and stood next to you, a hand appearing on the small of your back as a comfort.

“Would someone like to tell me what is going on here?” The blonde woman spoke up, arms crossed.

At least Spencer’s taste in partners with attitude hadn’t changed. 

______________________________________________________________

“Victimology is off.”

“How so?” Prentiss looked up at him as he walked into the room. 

“Father and daughter. She’s never done that before.” 

Lewis spoke up. “She usually kills men that remind her of her father. Children–even adult children, are off limits. Do we have an ID yet.” 

Prentiss, Rossi, Garcia, and JJ all looked over at Reid, and he just pulled a hand down his face. “It’s. It’s Issac and Noelle Y/l/n.” 

“Y/l/n…as is Y/n Y/l/n.” Tara looked up surprised at Spencer. 

Reid nodded slowly, just staring at the picture on the projector.

While Luke spoke up. “Who is Y/n Y/l/n.” 

“An old friend.” Rossi quickly interjected, before any more explanation had to be said. It was clear both Alvez and Simmons, that whoever this was, was an extremely touchy subject for Reid. 

Tara, who had only known you for a little while, looked back at the picture. 

Rossie spoke up. “What do we know about the partner who’s helping her?” 

“It’s got to be someone from her prison.” Simmons spoke up. “She hasn’t had contact with anyone else.” 

______________________________________________________________

After all of that, you found yourself back in a place you left four years ago. It looked almost the same as when you had first moved in, but there was less of it. 

Almost as if he was having trouble covering places where things used to be.

There were almost no photos on the walls, since you had taken half of them, and were in the rest. 

Calling someone you once loved a stranger feels wrong. 

Max, as you had learned her name, was just sitting on the couch in your spot . She was looking around as you and Rossi stood by the kitchen counter. 

“Cat had a cellmate named Juliette Weaver. We believe the two were working together, as a way for Cat to get something against Spencer, and as payment, Cat would get Juliette’s ex.”

You nodded. “How does this affect me?” 

“She took your father and sister.” 

Your back straightened and immediately brought out your phone, to call your sister, but Rossi just grabbed your wrist (gently) and shook his head. “If she finds out you know, then it’s all over. She’s doing this on purpose. She knows about you and Reid, but she knows that dragging you into all of this will hurt him more than anything else.” 

His voice had gone low and quiet, so that the girl on the couch couldn’t hear. 

“So why is she here?” You whispered back. 

“Because we don’t want anyone in danger.” 

You closed your eyes and nodded. “I need a cup of tea.” 

Rossi let go of your wrist, and you walked into the kitchen, mostly eyes closed from the stress of the situation. 

The apartment was silent, the others watching as you grabbed a kettle, and started to make tea. It was like second nature to you as you turned the stovetop on, grabbed a mug from the cabinet (careful to not grab one of his favorites), and grabbed some tea from the cabinet. 

It didn’t dawn on you that you were drinking your favorite type of tea until the second sip, while the entire apartment was still silent. 

The pity from Rossi's look was palpable. 

“Don’t even start.” 

He shrugged and stayed silent. 

Until his walkie went off and he looked at Max. “It’s time. Let’s go.” 

Rossi looked back at you and gave you a quick hug, squeezing you tightly. “You’ve got this kid. Remember everything we talked about.” 

You nodded and gave them both a strained smile as they left the apartment, leaving you all alone in this place you once called home, alone. 

Never once, since you left, did you think you would ever be back here. You didn’t even realize you were drinking from one of your own mugs until it was just you. The irony of it was not lost on you, and you sat down in your spot on the couch. 

Well first you sat in Spencer’s seat but it felt too weird, so you shifted back into your spot on the couch. 

______________________________________________________________

“Juliette staked out in Reid’s life. Found out he was dating someone, but then must have discovered his ex-fiancée.” Simmons sighed. “He was probably so focused on Max, he didn’t even realize that someone was digging into his history, following them around.”

Prentiss nodded as they walked and talked. “But if Juliette was able to find Max, that meant she was easily able to find Y/n and her family. It means she must have access to all of her publicly available information. “

“Well at least we found their hidden agenda.” 

“No. We found Cat’s hidden agenda. Juliette doesn’t care about Reid. There’s something we’re missing here. Do a deep dive with Garcia.” 

Simmons nodded at Prentis. “On it.” 

“I’ll go to Reid's apartment and monitor onsite. Is there a trap and trace on his landline?” 

“Garcia’s almost set up.” Simmons walked away from Prentiss, and down towards Penelope’s office. 

“Well this went from bad to worse.” Tara walked up to Emily. 

Emily sighed in agreement. 

Lewis spoke up. “Female narcissists destroy their competition.Y/n  really shouldn’t be in there.” 

Emily just nodded and the two of them headed out of the bullpen. “Walk with me.” 

Tara kept stride with her as they pushed through the doors. Rossi was just getting off the phone with someone and turned to look at the two women approaching him and JJ. 

JJ spoke up when Rossi was finished. “So, the hospital just released the dad– Issac Y/l/n. He's on his way here now.

Rossi scoffed. “Question is, why let him go at all?”

“Matt's on that.” Emily gestures in the direction of Garcia’s office. “Juliette Weaver's real agenda should tell us where she's taking Y/n’s younger sister.”

Lewis spoke next. “I still think the play here is to get Cat and Juliette to contact each other, but I have no idea how.”

Prentiss crossed her arms. “I have a plan, but first we have to talk about Y/n.” 

______________________________________________________________

Just then, you heard the click of the door, and stood up, watching as the door swung open. 

And there he was. 

This was the first time you had seen Spencer in four years. 

And here he was, kissing Catherine Adams. 

The woman you could give partial credit to for ending your relationship. 

After a moment Spencer looked up, and took several steps away from Cat. His eyes were wide and locked on yours. 

It took a lot of self-restraint to not punch the lights out of Cat, and to stand still arms crossed. 

“Y/n?” Spencer’s voice broke a little bit. 

You never would say that Spencer was unattractive. In fact, it would be a lie if you ever said it. But something about the past four years aged him like a fine wine. 

His hair was a bit longer, he had some scruff—his baby face had melted away and standing in front of you was a man who thought you knew everything about, but was now a stranger. 

You didn’t answer him, watching as he took you in, standing in his apartment, for the first time since…

“What are you doing here?” 

You looked over at Cat, who had the most devious smirk on her face. 

Remember what Prentiss had said to you. 

“You know why I’m here.” 

Cat nodded and the two of them moved into the apartment, the door closing behind them. 

Spencer just stood ten feet away from you, eyes never leaving you, and you watched him right back. 

Cat, on the other hand, was walking around, examining the apartment. You could see her take notice of the tea you had made yourself on the counter. You could see the hatred from the corner of your eyes. The two of you were starting to piss her off. 

She spoke up, after a few moments of silence. “Did it make you mad that I was kissing your Fiancé?” 

You shook your head. “No.”

Your focus had fully turned to Cat, but you swore you swore you could hear Spencer take a sharp inhale as you spoke your next words.

“Well, he's not my fiancé and I kind of have some other things on my mind.”

Cat didn’t scare you, but there was just something so off-putting about her. “Like what?” 

“Are you gonna hurt Noelle?”

Cat shrugged. “Not if I don't have to, no. Honestly, if she follows instructions, she might even learn from this whole experience.”

You scoffed. “What does that mean?”

Cat just started fiddling with the chess set on the dresser. 

“Spencer, what does she mean?” You turned to look back at him, his name feeling so good on your tongue. 

Spencer, who really hadn’t stopped looking at you and sighed. “I think…She means that Noelle isn’t learning from her, but from Juliette.” 

You sat down in your spot on the couch, arms crossed. You were on the full defense. 

Spencer noticed where you sat and had to look down to conceal any notions of a smile on his face. 

Cat watched him before turning and looking at you, some more disdain on her face than before. 

“Normally, Spencie and I, we spend our time together playing games, but tonight, I've brought you all here to make a point. You are doing so much better.” 

Spencer spoke up. “With you?”

“I'm not talking to you.” Cat snapped at him before she turned to you. “I'm talking to you. Because, girlfriend, you need to know the truth about your fiancé.” 

“He's not my finacé.” You were unsure about how many more times you could say that outloud. 

“No kidding. When’s the last time you spoke? Right…” Cat walked over to the center of the room, right in front of the couch. “Here?” 

Your head whipped around to Spencer. “You told her about that?”

Spencer was pleading with his eyes. “I had to say a lot of things tonight.”

Cat’s voice caused your head to snap back to her. “Yes, he has. He said that you never compared to me, that, um... That no matter what, he will never get me out of his mind, unlike you. Unlike that girlfriend.” 

You tried not to wince at the mention of that girl Maxine out in one of the trucks.

Spencer sat down next to you. “Everything I said—I was lying to save your family.”

Cat scoffed. “Did our kiss look like a lie?” 

“No.” you just looked down at your hands. 

“Thank you. See, now we're getting to the heart of the matter.” Cat started mocking Spencer. “You see, everyone thinks that Dr. Spencer Reid is... Is just this nice, bookish, uh, genius who, uh, always saves the day and has all the answers. And has zero mommy issues, right? But, um... I know the real him.” 

“Oh, yeah? Who's the real me, Cat?” 

“The real Spencer Reid throws women against walls. And hisses that he's going to kill them.” 

Spencer stood up, squaring off against her.  “That was a very different situation.”

“No, it wasn't.” Cat was holding the smirk back this time, making your gut wretch. 

“Spencer…What is she talking about?” You looked from the psychopath in front of you, to the man you realized you might have never really known beside you.

“You tell her. She's not gonna believe it coming from me.” She huffed. 

Reid turned and looked at you. “Two years ago, Cat had her partner kidnap my mother. Just like tonight. She got under my skin and…”

Your chest hurts. “And you threw her against a wall?” 

Cat’s smirk was breaking through whatever resolve she had. “Don't skimp on the details, Spencie. She deserves to know everything.”

Every single time she said Spencie you swore a shock went up your spine. 

Spencer looked down at his hands, and then over at you. His voice had gotten quieter. “She was pregnant at the time and I knew that when I hurt her.” 

“And?” She stood there expectantly, waiting for Spencer to finish. When he didn’t, her face suddenly became solemn. “The next day... I miscarried. The end.”

Spencer looked at her. “That's not true.” 

“It is most certainly true. Check my medical records.” 

“That doesn't mean I-I would…”

Cat held up her hand to him. “Stop. Look.”

Spencer looked over at you, just sitting on the couch, trying to process everything that was going through your head. 

After thinking about everything you had gone through, especially with Spencer. “I thought you were better than that Spence.” 

It was the first time you had used a nickname for him in years. And he was hearing it for the first time while you were stuck in a standoff between himself and Cat Adams, your sister being god knows where. 

Spencer’s voice cracked. “I'm sorry.” 

Cat squatted down in front of you, a sick smile on her lips. She was enjoying this. She truly enjoyed watching his life crumble to bits. “Notice how your Spencie is apologizing to you and not me.”

You clenched your hands. “He’s not mine…”

Spencer just looked over at you. 

Cat nodded. “That's good. Because men are all the same. Aren't they, Jolie?” 

Spencer’s eyes lit up with an emotion you rarely saw from him when you were together. “Don't call her that.”

And you couldn’t blame him. The word ran you through like a spear and you were sure if you looked behind you, the blade would be through the couch. You tried so hard to not let either of the two people near you see how much it messed with you. Luckily for you, Cat was too busy pushing Spencer’s buttons to see the way her words won against you. 

Cat hissed at him. “What, are you gonna throw me against a wall and choke me, or do you only do that to pregnant women?” 

You finally spoke up. “Why are you doing this?”

“Because I want you to see it.” She gestured to Spencer. “I want you to see that he is...no better than he was before, or any man after. They’re all the same.” 

“Stop.”

Cat squatted down in front of you. “I can see it on your face. What's his name?” 

You stared back at her. “It's none of your business.”

That damned smirk of hers returned. “It is exactly my business. In fact, it's my specialty. I mean, I could have Juliette and baby sister go over there if you want. They could take care of him.” 

Reid looked over at you. “Say yes. Give her what she wants.” 

“Hmm. See, he wants you to get me to make a little phone call so they can trace it.” She moved away from you both and sat down in the lounging chair across from you. “They're so good, the FBI.”

You jumped up and started pacing, a spitting image of four years ago. “What is wrong with the two of you? What is this sick, twisted thing that you have? Listen, I just want to save my sister. Will you please just tell me what I have to do to do that?” 

“Tell me his name. Tell me the story. That's it. And then if they can let Juliette exit stage right, then I promise you I will let her go.”

You looked between Cat and Spencer before walking over to the kitchen, and hanging up the phone. After staring down at the decision you had just made, you walked back over and took your phone out. “Here.  Use this. Use my phone. They can't trace it.”

She just watched you. “You'd be surprised.”

“I don't even need a call. Just... just a photo.” You held the phone out to her. “Something to prove to me that she's still alive. Please”. 

Cat just looked up at your face. “Story first.”

“Y/n. Please.” Spencer turned to you, hoping you’d look back at him. “I have been here with her before. She called the number and told the partner to kill my mom.”

“It is so tricky, isn't it? I mean, who are you gonna trust? The lying, cheating, violent psychopath... Or me?”

You looked down at the ground, refusing to look over at Spencer. “His…His name was Mike Davis. We dated for two years. I met him a month after we…we split.”

Cat’s attention on you felt as if there were a million bees stinging your body all at different intervals, pain coursing through your body. “Good. When did it end?” 

“Last year.” 

“Was he good in bed?” 

Spencer stood up. “Shut up.” 

Cat was enjoying this. She was enjoying watching you make Spencer uncomfortable. She was enjoying hurting him in every masochistic way she could. “What? You have to know where you stand.”

“He was good…” You looked back at Cat. “Good at, um, separating me from my friends and my family. Enough that the first time he punched me in the face, I didn't have anywhere to go. And my first response wasn't "get out." It wasn't "go to hell." It was "I'm sorry, Mike." That's when he knew he had me.”

There was a glint in Spencer’s eyes, and you could swear they were tears, but you couldn’t tell from rage or sorrow. 

Cat continued to probe. “How many hospital visits were there?” 

You showed her a small scar on the inside of your elbow. “None. No, he... He knew how to hurt me just enough to hide it all, I guess.”  

“But you found the strength to leave. What did you do?” 

“ I planned and I... I waited.”

Cat’s eyes lit up. “Waited for what? “

“I live here in D.C.” You looked between Spencer and Cat. “but I'm also a resident in Virginia. It takes 60 days for the permit to clear.”

Spencer’s eyes widened. “Y/n, stop talking. Stop talking right now.”

Cat shushed him. “No, don't stop. Here. Give me the phone. Look, I'm gonna enter the text. Stick the landing and I'll hit "send."

You handed her the phone and she quickly typed out a message, her thumb hovering over send. 

Fiddling with your ring finger, you started to speak again. Slowly. Concisely. “When I was ready, I picked a fight. Loud enough for the neighbors to hear. And he came at me with his fist just cocked back, so I pulled my Glock 19 out of my purse. I shot him.”

Spencer tried to interject. “It was self-defense. He was attacking you—”

“That's what I told 911 as he was struggling to breathe on his kitchen floor. That's why the police never charged me. I’m a lawyer, I know how to plead.” You closed your eyes. “But I... after I hung up, I... I shot him two more times.” 

Cat was glowing, spinning around to face Spencer. “Wow, you really have a type, don't you? Quite a dilemma, too. She just admitted to murder.” 

Spencer was in disbelief. “She'll beat it.” . 

“Probably. But whatever feelings she might have still had for you, and whatever Maxine might have seen in you—-it’s all gone.” 

The phone in your hand buzzed.

“Oh, wow. Look at that. Your sister. Alive and well. You're welcome.” 

Your face hardened up, and you stood up straighter. Walking away from the two of them, you opened the door. “I got it.” 

She took the phone from your hand and you turned back to the two of them. There was no emotion behind your eyes as you looked back at Spencer. 

Cat smirked and looked up at Spencer. “I win.” 

______________________________________________________________

The prison transport was quiet, with the two guards sitting across from Spencer and Cat. It had been silent for about twenty minutes, but then, Cat spoke up. 

“Do you know why I did this? Why I really did this?” 

Spencer looked down at his hands. “You wanted to prove I'm a monster just like you.”

“No... Silly. I just wanted to see you again. I just wanted to make sure that you would never forget about me.” She sighed. “'Cause when they do put that needle in my arm, I just want there to be even the slightest chance that... Maybe you're still thinking about me…”

Spencer stiffened as she placed her head on his shoulder. “You didn't have to terrorize 3 innocent people. You could've just written a letter.” 

“Would you have written me back?” 

When Spencer didn’t respond, Cat knew her answer. 

“Bye, Spencie. I really enjoyed our date.” She smiled at him desperately, getting dragged out of the vehicle by the guards to the prison. 

______________________________________________________________

The elevator door opened and Spencer walked out of it, his whole body reeked of defeat, and he barely looked at Emily as she spoke.  “We need to debrief.” 

Spencer just walked right past her, and into the bullpen. His expression changed when he saw you on one side talking to Tara, and Max on the other, looking up at him right as he walked in. 

“Spencer, are you okay?” 

Her voice caught your ear, and immediately you looked up to see her walk over and embrace him in a hug. 

He smiled at her, and grateful returned the hug before muttering that he would be back, and explain everything.

You were never going to get back together with Spencer, but watching it in real time was like unlacing an old wound. 

Spencer walked over to you, and you stood up as he approached. 

“Uh, Tara, would you mind giving us…”

She nodded at him and walked away. 

Both of you went to speak, trying to say something to the other. 

“I should explain all of this.” 

Spencer shook his head. “You don’t have to explain any of that Y/n—it doesn’t.” 

You cut him off. “It was fake—most of it. I didn’t kill anyone, Spence. I was just lying to her to get her to send the text from my phone. It was all…It was made up.” 

He just nodded, staring at you really. 

You gave him a soft smile, and gently placed a hand on his shoulder. Both of you could feel the pulse between it, making you remove your hand and take a small step back. 

“Thank you for saving my sister and father.” 

Spencer watched your resolve fully formed, masking whatever you were feeling. He hated watching it happen to him, watching as you placed whatever feelings you had back into somewhere he couldn’t find. 

Garcia walked over and placed a hand on Spencer’s shoulder. “I just need you both to know, Cat Adams had a miscarriage, but it was months after whatever encounter you had. It’s not your fault. We looked at her records.” She was speaking low for you both, yet both of you let out a quiet sigh of relief. 

“They filled me in on everything that happened between both of you in the past couple years, and they asked me if I would be willing to…help them beat her.” 

Spencer looked up at you, and unlike yourself, every single emotion Spencer was feeling was racing across his face. 

He didn’t like that you knew about everything that had gone down. He was so happy you were okay. He was a little impressed by the way you beat Cat at her own game. He was upset that you put yourself in danger. 

“They gave me an ear piece and everything.” 

Spencer shook his head. “You’re not trained—that’s extremely dangerous of you.” 

You sighed and nodded. “Unfortunately Spencer, this is…this was the life I was used to when we were together. I knew the stakes. I mean the briefings I had with Hotch after you relapsed…” 

Spencer just clammed up and stood a bit straighter. “ I never knew..”

“It was like that on purpose. I didn’t want you to think that you were a burden or too much or—I was doing it for the potential of…” You cut yourself of, flinching at the parallels between this and your previous final conversation. 

You looked over at Garcia. “I need my bag Pen.” You whispered, taking a step away from Spencer. “I shouldn’t…I finished my job. My family is safe…” 

She had a rueful look on her face, but she nodded and took your arm, walking you back over to the desk where your stuff was. 

He looked up at Emily and walked over to her. “I’m…uh. I’m gonna go walk her out and then I’ll be right back.” 

Emily gave him the saddest smile, and just nodded. She knew that nothing she could say could make it any better. 

You grabbed your coat, and your bag, and the two of you walked to the elevator in silence, riding it all the way down to the parking garage, where your car was still there from this afternoon, all of those hours ago. 

You looked over at Spencer, tears in your eyes, having not said anything to him. 

As soon as he met your eyes, you dropped your bag, and Spencer wrapped his arms around you tightly, just holding you and resting his head on yours; trying to give you the comfort that he was rarely able to give you. 

Sobbing into his arms, you just tightly wrapped your arms around his torso and just held onto him tightly. Trying to decompress, trying to truly understand everything that had happened in the past twelve hours. 

It was Spencer who spoke first. 

“I’m so so sorry Y/n.” He whispered. “I never meant any of this to happen to you, and for you to get dragged back here and—” 

You shook your head slightly, but didn’t move from where you were. Neither of you did. 

“It’s what she wanted, Spence, and unfortunately for us, this was always bound to happen.” You whispered. 

The hug felt so good, but something about it was just so different. 

It’s not the way it used to be. 

“I need to go Spencer.” 

He nodded, and this time you moved away from him. His hand came up and wiped away one of the remaining tears on your cheek. 

You closed your eyes, and took a deep breath. 

“Oh fuck, why is this so fucking hard four years later.” You laughed, trying to regain any sort of composure. 

“Y/n…”

You took another step away from him and shook your head. 

“We can’t—I’m not.” You tried so hard to find the right words without bursting into tears again. “Spencer. I cannot put myself back to where I was four years ago. I can’t do it. And yes things have changed, but maybe that is for the better. Maybe you were always meant to be my maybe, and not my always.” 

You took another breath, but kept going. “You are amazing, and funny, and so smart Spence. But this…we ran our course. It didn’t work then, and I don’t know if I have it in me to try again just for it to fail.” 

“Y/n please.” 

“I will always love you but this…It’s time to…It’s time to stop. I have to go back to my life, and you go back upstairs to yours, with Prentiss and Rossi and Penelope and…Max.” 

Both of you winced as you said her name, but you took a step forward, moving to kiss him on the cheek. 

Spencer gently grabbed you face, giving you enough time to back out. 

You didn’t. 

His lips locked with yours, his thumb rubbing against your cheek as the two of you shared one more moment, just for the two of you. 

But it had to end. 

You couldn’t go back to the anxiety, the arguing, the petty disagreements. It wasn’t good for you. It was good for either of you. 

Stepping away again, you gently kissed his cheek, and started to slowly walk to your car. 

Right as you got to your car, you turned around and made eye contact with him one last time before the elevator doors closed, both of you with the most gut wrenching smile slightly plastered across your faces. 

You mouthed goodbye, unable to speak it out loud, and he nodded, tears filling his eyes as he whispered it back to you. 

The doors shut. 

You were all alone in this hollow parking garage. 

Your heart was aching, burning. 

But there was a sigh of relief, that came with the doors closing, and saying goodbye for the last, last time. 

[filmbyjy]

ONE NOTE

SYNOPSIS > When you turned 18, you heard your best friend’s favourite song. Turns out, it was just one of the various signs to finding your soulmate. However, you couldn’t bring this up to jake. Not when he was in a happy relationship with your other best friend! Would you choose heartbreak or sacrifice your happiness for the sake of keeping the friendship?

EIGHTEEN – the first petal

MASTERLIST | PREVIOUS | NEXT

WC: 0.9K words

a/n: please note there is a written part after these 6 pictures!! don't forget to read it because it is part of something important.

“breathe.” yvette says as she pats your back. it was suffocating. the sink was bloodied up, splatters of blood that you had coughed up in a span of 5 minutes. mae runs in with a bottle in her hands.

“here, drink up.” she quickly opens the bottle up and hands it over to you. you took the bottle and quickly drank it.

“why didn’t you tell us it was this bad. we obviously knew that jake was your soulmate but we didn’t think that your body would react this way.” yvette looks at you.

“you’d honestly think that this disease would be a mythical thing but it is very much true.” mae says. you felt the tears fall down your face. yvette wipes them for you. she looks at you with such pity and such care.

“man, fuck that bitch.” she declares. “making such a sexy girl cry? not very girl’s girl coded of her.”

“she doesn’t know. i don’t think jake would tell her. besides, he doesn’t even know i’m his soulmate.”

“well, i think she would find out either ways. she’s such a weirdo.” mae huffs. yvette nods.

“what are you going to do?” yvette asks.

“live with it.”

“but you’re going to cough out blood if you keep seeing them so loving and disgusting.”

“it’s okay. once it gets worse, i’ll just get the surgery.”

“to remove your feelings? (name), you can’t seriously be thinking of doing this.” mae sighs. “i’ve seen people decide to go through with the surgery, they aren’t like themselves. once you do it, there will also be complications in the end. you won’t live for long.”

“there is no other way. if end up dead then so be it. i can’t let jake know. he’s very much in love with aria. he would never love me.” you sobbed. yvette pulls you closer and keeps you in her arms.

“hey hey, let’s not talk about death. you’re alive and well right now. let’s live your life to the fullest and make the best out of it. you aren’t dying.” she mutters. mae grabs your hand and lightly squeezes it.

“yeah, who cares about jake and aria. you have sunghoon, your friends, your brother and us. we are there for you.”

you were thankful for the people who were close to you. you had wiped your tears and nodded. “you’re right.”

there were a series of knocks at the bathroom door. yvette rolls her eyes and opens the door. “we’re having a sentimental moment here.”

“sorry, girls. just checking in to see if (name) is okay.” jay says.

“that or are you already missing mae?” yvette folds her arms. jay awkwardly laughs a little.

“maybe but i’m more concerned for my best friend of course.” you laughed a little and sniffled. you pushed mae forward towards jay.

“take her oh my god. you find out she’s your soulmate and you can’t stop being away from her.”

jay shrugs. sunghoon steps forward and hugs you.

"I'm not dying, hoon."

"just let me hug you. you need it." he says. your smile falters a little. "you can cry, you know?"

"i already cried just now."

"and? you can cry again and I wouldn't judge."

"I know you won't, hoon."

your brother comes up to you. "okay, break it up. can I hug my sister?"

sunghoon lets you go, and leehan easily replaces him. "when did you get so big?"

"I've always been big." he says. you laughed.

"okay, but you're my baby brother."

"yes, i am." you ruffled his hair and he pulls back from the hug.

"let's go back. those two are probably wondering where we are." taesan says.

"the last i saw them they were making out-" *whack* ni-ki winces when sun whacks him.

"don't even mention that." sunoo warns.

"right, sorry noona." ni-ki pouts. you sighed a little.

"it's fine, ni-ki."

you could see jake and aria coming closer to the group. jake was mainly concerned about everyone but aria...she's just kinda following jake.

"hey, why is everyone gathering around here?" jake asks.

"oh, there was a slight mishap so (name) called the girls over. we were worried so we waited outside for them." heeseung explains.

"you could've told us."

"yeah, but you were busy making out with aria so we didn't want to bother the both of you." sunghoon says. there was a petty tone underlying as he tells jake.

"what the fuck is your problem?" jake comes up to sunghoon. sunghoon scoffs.

"nothing."

"nothing? you said that the other time and then you went on a tangent hating on my girlfriend." jake folds his arms.

sunghoon rolls his eyes. "well, I'm right either ways. you were sooooo oblivious and busy with aria that even when (name) got hurt or had an issue you didn't care."

"she's fine now, isn't she? you guys took good care of her. she's in good hands, so i trust you guys to care for her. after all, I'm just her best friend and I am busy with my girlfriend. You don't understand me because you don't have a girlfriend!" jake yells at sunghoon.

you start to cough up again. this time when you look down at your hand, not only was there blood but there was a petal. the first petal to have ever appeared. you had looked up to see everyone staring at you. jake's jaw dropped when he saw the blood in your palms.

you didn't know what else to do other than run away. sunghoon glared at jake once more before he runs after you.

this was moving too fast...

were you dying?

taglist[open]: @sumzysworld @mitmit01 @moon3verland @baribaaari @byty2k @alex-is-sleeping @viagumi @txtlyn @belovedsthings @woninluv @dreamiestay @niniissus @kyutiepeachy @yoongisbaguetteshoes @squiishymeow @jjaammm @enhaz1 @illvding @woniejjang @bee-the-loser @laurradoesloveu @ckline35 @ningx2stan @hoonlvly @clampclover @xyzyx01 @victoriasimm @eneiyri @nshmrarki @woorcve @bubblytaetae @i03jae @soobieboobiedoobiedaboobie @l1wv00n @onlyhyunjin @kyanmeai @isa942572 @lisaswifey @alisonyus @firstclassjaylee @szkstay @enhamysunshines @milanco @hsbae @zyvlxqht @lixiebokie @wth121 @enahasblog @gongiz @anuisamazing @heestrawberries @gyehyeonist @nshmurarki @heelovesmeknot @silquids

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[lewmagoo]

atta boy show

i wanted to share my experience meeting lewis and the gang. the night was an absolute dream. it’s lengthy so it’s under a read more.

first of all the show was phenomenal. the opener, me like bees, was fantastic and i’ve been listening to them nonstop since last night. plus atta boy’s set was so good, of course. when they walked off at the end everyone started chanting for one more song so they came back to play another one (i will post the video later) and as they were getting ready to play lewis was snapping pics of eden and freddy with his film camera, very endearing lol.

so leading up to the show i decided i was going to make coasters for all of the band members. so i made one for each with their names on them, the date of the show, and my city's skyline. first i gave aubrey hers. she loved it. and she is darling! such a kind, sweet, beautiful girl! i told her how much i loved how she played and that she was beautiful, and she was just so touched.

then i gave dashel his. he got so animated about it and he asked me all the details about how i made it. he is truly so wonderful and kind, like his energy is just infectious and he's so lovely. and very attentive! a few people had fainting issues in the crowd and if they were close by he made sure to check on them, and offer help if needed. genuinely angelic human.

then of course miss eden! i didn't get to talk to her as long as i wanted to because they were packing up and i didn't wanna interrupt, but i gave her the coaster and she was so excited. plus i also put together a bag full of snacks and goodies for the gang to share on the road home and she loved it, she kept thanking me and ugh she's just so darling! like i mentioned above a few people fainted in the crowd and she stopped the show each time to make sure they were taken care of, and made sure to be encouraging and keep everyone calm.

i also wanna shout out luke shaefer, the lead singer of me like bees. he jumped right into action every time someone needed help. after their set a girl near me was having an asthma attack and he gave her water and had her sit down on the stage. and then he ran to the aid of someone who fainted. truly the most genuine, kind person. i got to talk to him for like 15 minutes straight after the show, and just vibe with him. he is AMAZING. and their music is so fucking good. their set was so loud my ears were still ringing, but so worth the ear pain lol. i will def be listening to them all the time now!

then of course freddy. i also didn't get to talk to him as much as i wanted because they were packing up but i stopped him to give him his coaster. he LIT UP and said "this is the sweetest gift i've ever been given." and then asked me if i was okay with a hug (of course i was). he was just so kind and gracious and energetic. god i love him. he is so cute to watch on stage too. he's got such a good aura about him.

and without further adieu, that brings me to our beloved lew magoo 😉

i thought for sure i'd be nervous and awkward but i am proud to say i stared him down just as hard as he was staring me down lol. also i was really extra and went a bit overboard with my presents for him. i touched his arm and was like "so i have a lot of presents for you...i am so sorry" and he was like "oh let's go over here where there's more space!" and led me over to the stage. then i went on my spiel. i of course gave him his coaster. he loved it, and at first he was like "omg is this a cookie?" (i packaged them in little goodie bags) and i was like sir! that is a coaster, please do not eat it. and he just thought it was so cool and asked how i made it. and he was like “this is the beginning of my coaster collection!” let me tell you, all the painstaking work i did on those coasters made that moment all worth it.

then, i got him a set of pens that look like drumsticks. he was so excited and was like "oh i've been looking for new pens! these are insanely cool!" but it didn't end there. the last thing i got him was a brand new mack hat. i told him i heard that his old one bit the dust (he was wearing it as we spoke, it just didn't have the patch) and that i went looking for a new one. and i presented it to him and his FACE. he was like 😱 and no joke, he started tearing up. and then he immediately put it on. i asked him if i could take a picture of him wearing it so he happily posed for me, and then he insisted i take another picture of him pointing at the hat (i may share the pics on my blog. i may not. we shall see. they are so special to me. mooties will definitely get to see the pics, i promise) and he was just ecstatic. i think he gave me a hug? but i honestly do not remember lol, i blacked out at the end. i did get pics with him though, which he took himself. and he went "the mack is back!" 😭

he is just as kind and gracious as everyone says he is. meeting him was unreal. i'm so glad i had the opportunity and i wouldn't trade it for the world. the show was such a surreal and beautiful experience. i met several new friends as well as a few tumblr girlies and we just all vibed and had such a great time. i hope atta boy tours again soon and that more people get a chance to interact with these incredible people. they deserve all the love and success and i hope they have a long and prosperous career together as a band, and that they're able to flourish in their own personal ventures as well.

[ghostofhyuck]

NCT Dream as One Direction Songs

Mark Lee ; Night Changes

Does it ever drive you crazy Just how fast the night changes?

I don't know but Mark just suits Night Changes the most!! I feel like it talks about how you and Mark grew together until you two grew older and realized that a lot has changed between the two of you. And yet, your relationship with him never changed at all!! CRIES. Your personalities may changed, and something shifted in yourself but you and Mark? still the same! also the song has a lot of assurances, so that's why it suit Mark the most. 

Huang Renjun ; More than This

When he opens his arms and holds you close tonight, It just won't feel right, 'Cause I can love you more than this

Renjun just suits More than This the most. The lyrics, the angst??? yeah it describes Renjun who's your best friend WHO at the same time loves you for so long. And he has witnessed you date a lot of guys and deep inside i feel like he knows that he can love you more than the guys you've dated before. But he doesn't know where to place himself, so he just remain there as your friend, and could only yearn to love you. 

Lee Jeno ; Where do Broken Hearts Go?

Try to find you, but I just don't know Where do broken hearts go

Upbeat song with a depressing lyrics about a heart break and break up? this is Jeno! I don't know but I can imagine Jeno singing this to be honest BUT imagine ex-bf! Jeno who you broke up with you and you two were SO devastated about it. And soon, Jeno realized that he fucked up with his decision to break up with you, so he's wanted to find you again and wanted another chance with you. 

Lee Donghyuck ; 18

All I could do is say that these arms were made for holding you I wanna love like you made me feel when we were 18

No seriously, Haechan just matches 18 the most! (insert his 10 years unrequited love.) so I bet that Haechan knows what love means since he was young. He would probably don't know how to but at that young age, he just knows that he wanted to be with you!! That's why 18 is such a cute song for childhood friends to lovers because imagine this trope at Haechan :< Like until you two grew older in your 20s, you two will still recall your young love at 18. 

Na Jaemin ; Perfect

If you like to do whatever you've been dreaming about Then baby, you're perfect

Oh, perfect is so Jaemin-coded. I just know it!! The secret affair, the late-night rendezvous, and doing the most wildest things despite the scandal, Jaemin is willing to do so just for you!! It's a risky love and there's a lot of gamble about, but god, this is Na Jaemin. Even though your relationship with him is uncertain, you still are willing to risk it just for him!! (I mean look at him, and tell me you wouldn't risk everything for him.)

Zhong Chenle ; They Don't Know About Us

They don't know I've waited all my life Just to find a love that feels this right

It was hard to find a song for Chenle to be honest. CRIES. But I feel like TDKAU suits him the most. Imagine a forbidden love with Chenle! It's so genuine and everything just feel so right even though it's wrong!! But for Chenle, he wanted to protect you, he wanted to show the world that he loves you and he's willing to go against everyone!! He's hardheaded and he doesn't care about what they think about!! All he wants for him and you to be together!! <3

Park Jisung ; Last First Kiss

Baby let me be your Let me be your last first kiss

Oh this is so friends to lovers Jisung! This sounds like Jisung confessing to you!! He muster up all the courage to tell you what he feel!! And it sounds so cheesy and cute, but he's just tired of being in the friend-zone so he confessed to you!! I don't know why but this is just Jisung-coded, and honestly, this is so cute :< because after his confession, you two kissed, and it's innocently intimate and you two ended up laughing after!!

[ilovebuckers5]

*•♡never be like you pt 3 ♡¸.•*'

nika muhl x cheerleader!reader

"I'm falling on my knees. forgive me, I'm a fucking fool "

word count - 2.3k

themes :

-angst if you squint

-smut

warnings :

-public sex

-fingering

a/n - sorry for how long it took me to post this. writers block was biting me in the ass. enjoy the smut!!! ( I did not spell check sooooo sorry)

the days between when I asked Nika to the concert and the actual concert were hell. all I could think about was her. and the occasional thought about what Farah was planning for fucking over Asher but that's for another day.

finally, it was the day of the concert. I had already ordered an outfit from about a million different websites but it came together perfectly. I was going to be basic and just where a purple skirt and a white top but the more I looked in online stores, the crazier (and shinier) my outfit got. I decided on a sparkly purple blazer and a black mini skirt with a matching black tube top. the only shoes I could find were purple doc martins so that's what I went with.

the moment I stepped out of my closet to show Farah my outfit, I was convinced that she dropped dead. her hands slammed on the desk she was sitting beside. she stood up and ran her hands over the shoulders of my blazer. "its so fucking good oh my God. I'm kind of mad at you actually. I wish I came up with this." her eyes and hands traced over my entire outfit in awe. before I could even look at myself in the mirror, Farah began taking way too many photos. "I'm sending these all the Nika." that's when I slapped the phone out of her hand.

i almost broke my nose diving for her phone to delete all the pictures. the last thing I wanted was for Nika to see me in a ridiculously glittery outfit with anything else done. if I was doing a big reveal for her then it would have to be when I'm fully ready.

while Farah changed into her outfit, which was a mystery to me, I started doing my makeup. the concert was in 3 hours from now and the venue was 1 hour and 30 minutes away. so as long as Farah didn't take forever getting ready, we would be fine. of course that's as long as Nika was ready.

------------------------------------------------------------

nika's pov

to be honest, I've only heard one Olivia Rodrigo song in my entire life. and its not like I hated it but it wasn't my type of music. but because I love concerts and y/n, I turned on a playlist with her music and started getting ready. me, Farah, and y/n had made a group chat just for this occasion. we barely talked in it, more of just updating each other on where the concert was at and what time it was. the only appropriate outfit I could find was a pair of black jean shorts and a purple tank top. when I tried showing a couple of the girls on my team, I've never gotten more disapproval. they forced me to get letters and designs ironed on the top so once the outfit was put together I had a purple tank top with the words 'sorry my guts spilled' on it with my shorts and a purple pair of Nike dunks that I had to borrow from Paige. oh yeah, the group chat was also used for outfit checks. so I got sent pictures of outfits on racks, hangers, beds, floors, and people. I couldn't care enough to do all that so I just sent a picture of my outfit once it was on me.

farah and y/n had to have been the most hyped up girls I've ever met. they couldn't stop spamming the group chat when they saw my outfit. it honestly felt nice. I didn't do much makeup because I knew how hot those stadiums got. I just put on some mascara and lip liner and I was ready to go. I didn't want to end up looking a mess afterwards, I guess the girls did though.

when I was getting ready, one song sort of stuck out compared to all the others. love is embarrassing. I kind of related to it. loves was never really my thing. at least in college it wasn't. love seemed like something that would get me distracted. as much as I adored seeing other couples out on dates and couples going to each other's event like sports games, it seemed well, embarrassing to me.

i tried to keep it like that.

the time that the girls spent getting ready on seemed to go by slower than ever. i found myself sitting on my bed and my couch and every other surface ever. when finally i got a text.

'we're here!'

i launched myself off of the ledge of my counter and grabbed my bag. i made sure to bring a couple extra water bottles and other necessities so that if anyone ran out, that actually wouldn't.

the moment i sat in the car, the energy shifted.

when i looked from afar, the girls were going back and forth with no music playing. as if one or the other was panicking about something. but when i got there, they acted normal as ever. weird.

"heyyyy! you ready?"

fatah squealed, shaking my shoulder. i smiled in return while nodding my head up and down.

"yess! let's go!"

i wanted to talk to y/n but she barely looked at me. i couldn't tell if it was out of fear or if she just forgot to say something but i knew it didn't feel that good.

the entire car ride was filled with the two girls informing me about olivia rodrigo's songs and who they are about and who she's dated. and to be honest i was pretty invested. more than any other artist. the girls knew every lyrics to every song and it made me feel out of place but i knew i'd settle in once i heard her live.

"oh my god and just a little while ago she released guts spilled!"

i couldn't help but tilt my head in confusion.

"what's that?"

the girls gave eachother a look as if they were about to stop the car and put on a performance of what 'guts spilled' is.

"it's like a bonus to guts! it has five new tracks that basically everyone was waiting for!"

i could tell that this was something y/n had been waiting to be asked about. the pure joy in her face and voice brought a light smile to my face. her eyebrows were raised and her eyes were open wide.

"i think you'll like obsessed and girl i've always been..." farah leaned back to look at me and whisper.

the rest of the car ride was pretty fun actually. we spent time memorizing lyrics. well. they spent time helping me memorize lyrics and eventually i got lost in the music, making the time on the road go by extremely quick. by the time we were at the stadium, i had basically learned all the lyrics to both of olivia's albums. farah and y/n were so proud.

this parking lot was more packed than any concert lot i've ever been to. i mean every single spot was taken. we had to park on the street and speed walk to the stadium. we got in after what felt like hours of checking bags and tickets and whatever. and once we were in? it was cold.

cold and mildy empty. we had gotten there around 40 minutes early so we found the pit and hung around until the entire stadium was full.

when the light went off, i felt the entire aura switch very quickly. there was a different artist opening. and while i had heard of olivia once or twice around social media, i had never heard of chappell roan. of course farah and y/n had because they began screaming every single lyrics. the music actually was bad so i started to dance along and hum to as much lyrics as i could understand.

finally there were purple lights flashing and olivia came out. i couldn't help but scream along with everyone because as much as i tried to hide it, i was pretty fucking excited.

------------------------------------------------------------

y/n's pov

i don't think i could express how badly i want to wrap my arms around nika just for her coming. we were basically strangers and she came to a whole concert with us. a normal person wouldn't just do that. nika would.

i won't lie, the way our shoulders bumped up against eachother while we were dancing and singing felt even better than hearing olivia rodrigo live.

there were even moments where the air was steamy but bearable. i'd take a second to look to the side and there nika would be, already looking at me as if she was waiting for our eyes to meet. she would nod her head, asking if she could take my hand without speaking. and of course i never denied. she held both of our hands in the air and jumped around to all-american bitch. i know she meant it in a "this is a girls moment" way but my head told me that she was holding my hand the way i had been wanting to for the past week.

none of this could leave my mouth of course. because one ; it was too loud for anyone to even hear my words and two ; it wouldn't be the best choice to confess my love to nika in the middle of a concert. so i shoved my thoughts and fluttery words right back down my throat and replaced them with song lyrics.

all of the thoughts in my head were bringing me to tears. the fact that i was actually in the same stadium as olivia rodrigo and the fact that i was in the same arm distance as nika muhl. and i couldn't even hold her how ive wanted.

then the scream happened. right before the scream in all-american bitch was about to happen, olivia stopped and told everyone to scream for themselves. and i knew exactly what to think about when i screamed.

i screamed about having to wait for nika even though it might not work out. i thought about the fact that our bodies were pressed together in the most platonic way possible. i screamed about the fact that i still had to sort shit out with asher when i got back to campus. and i screamed about the fact that nika had no idea.

in my head i was the loudest person there but i know i wasn't when all of the screams melted together into one.

then she played obsessed. my favorite. there were a good amount of Olivia Rodrigo songs that I did relate to and this was not one of them. I've never been obsessed with anyone's ex. I've never really...cared.

i remember when the song was first leaked on a podcast on Spotify it was the only thing I listened to for a while. I knew every lyric like the back of my hand even if I didn't associate them with my own life.

olivia had changed into a red body suit and she looked amazing. it shocked me how she sounded so perfect while dancing but that's just Olivia Rodrigo for you.

i noticed Nika getting even more loud during this song. she actually was singing the lyrics as if she had known them for months. I felt proud as fuck. are hands met again. we were jumping up and down to the beat of the drums, screaming together like we had been friends for years.

everything went by so quickly.

next thing I knew she had her hand around my waist while she tried to catch her breath. her head was closer to my hands then my face and she had a death grip on her own knee. her back lifted and fell as her heavy breaths slowly went away. i had my hand on her back, trying to make sure she was ok while the song continued.

when her head was back up at eye level the first thing she did was lean into my ear and whisper. "can I try something?"

i had never been more confused in my life until I nodded and felt her hand still lingering around my hips. her fingers grazed the skin that was open in the air. she had been pretending to be focused on the music while her hands slipped down my waist and under my skirt. my breath hitched when she used just her pinky to slide my underwear to the side.

"w-what are you doing?" I questioned, trying to pretend like I didn't want this to happen.

"oh shut up I know you've wanted me too."

i couldn't form words before she dipped two fingers in my pussy. I knew that I could be more vocal since the music was loud enough to drown everyone out but I still felt the need to stay quiet. from anyone elses view, you'd think we were just holding each other or holding hands while singing. Nika quickened her pace, already making me close. it felt like a dream. and it felt like three songs had already passed but by the time it was the bridge of obsessed, I was dripping all over Nika's fingers.

"f-fuck!" I whined out, making Nika cover my mouth with her lips. she didn't stop pumping her fingers in and out of my cunt but it felt like we were only kissing. like the only thing I could feel was her lips on mine and her tongue tangled with mine.

just as I was about to finish for the second time within 1 minute and 30 seconds, Nika pulled her fingers out of me and laid them on her own tongue, sucking them clean.

part of me was in disbelief of what just happened and the other part was fully aware.

"can we continue at home?"

i nodded eagerly, still not knowing what to say to her. I could tell by the smirk on her lips and how her hands were placed on her hips that she was real fucking proud of what she just did.

the rest of the concert was a blur to me.

[agirlwholovesrockstars]

baby come back

♡ STEVE HARRINGTON'S MASTERLIST ♡

❁ AGATHA'S MAIN PAGE ❁

This is a sequel to "Careless Whisper"

✧ Summary : they say "you should leave all the past behind" but what if they deserve a second chance?

✧ Word Count : it might be long but I hope it's worth it

✧ Warnings : 18+ MDNI‼️ Past!Ex-Boyfriend!King Steve! Harrington x FEM!reader, eventual smut, cursing, mentions of bad household, complicated father & son relationship, slight emotion invalidation & misogyny, cheating, separated parents, alcohol consumption, mentions of smoking, child neglect, trauma, intense confrontations, fluff, angst, not giving away anything! don't wanna give you guys ideas 🤭

✧ What to Expect : ANGST, FLUFF AND SMUT‼️reader will be so unsure of him but she'll get there ;)) I promise this will so fast paced, the story goes back to present and past!

✧ Note To Reader : YOOOO y'all making me inspire to write more for Steve! THANK YOU FOR ALL THE LOVE AND SUPPORT omg- even it's just small numbers of recognition is enough for me 🥺🫶🏻✨

✧ Author Note : I literally tried to think of a better song to associate the next part and my god- my brain was like zapping up to Baby Come back and I was like "THAT'S IT!" 🤩🙌🏻

"Henderson, I already told you not to wipe your feet on the inside of my car"

"Must've slipped off my mind"

"I've been your chaperone- wait a second- I'm your goddamn babysitter for the past 3 years!"

"Just step on it, already!"

"Remind me why I'm being friends with you" Steve turns on the engine of his car and held onto the steering wheel

"It's because I'm a great person"

Steve chuckles as he shakes his head but a fond smile is evident on his lips

"What time should I pick you up?"

"The usual"

Dustin talks about his night yesterday after school with the whole segment of the D&D Campaign, while listening as he kept his eyes on the road, I think he could make a word count on how many times he mentioned Eddie

Steve watches his young friend steps outside of his car, "Okay, see ya"

He's heading on his way to Family Video, where she meets Robin sitting on the front stairs

"What are you doing?" He asks as he gets outside of his car and puts his keys inside of of his pocket

"I guess, we're both too early, too early that Kevin hasn't even arrived yet" Robin stood up as she walks closer to Steve

Steve looked behind him, there's a new diner in town that he hasn't been it yet

"Wanna go there and eat some breakfast?" He nudge his head on the facility that he's looking at

Robin follows his gaze and clasps both of her hands together "Let's go, I'm getting bored here for waiting"

Once they get inside, the smell of brewed black coffee invades both of their noses and the sweet scent of pancakes and waffles

Robin already got an eye on the waitress who is serving some delicious fully packed breakfast plate, she swore that she is drooling over it and it made Steve chuckle

Steve is always been a pancake and bacon kind of a guy, he likes the combination of sweet and salty, so, that's where he is aiming for

Both of them saw a table that is near to window, they sat together across from each other

The male waiter was about to gave them menu's but they dismissed it

He nods gladly as he calls someone else to fill up their order

"Hello, goodmorning, what's your order-"

"Hi, can I get-"

Oh my fucking god

Holy fuck

It's you

His mind is going ablazes because he pretty much knew himself that he has a 20/20 vision

But at this time? All of his insides are overheated

He hasn't seen you since....the prom

Fuck, the memories starts to take him back

You just finished your last school year on that history that you both happened before and you move out of the school

Not only moved out of school, but you also left the town, Hawkins Indiana

Yes, you left.... without sparing him a single word about your departure

The town that you've never wouldn't have thought you could ever get back to

But, this is your hometown where you truly grew up in

You only decided to comeback since

You got homesick

You missed your family, that's why you take the chance to finally be with them

Temporarily

You clear your throat, you try to mask up your expression as you completely forgotten his companion that you briefly glanced and you noticed her confused look at you

She darts back and forth on you and Steve

You remained civilized, "What can I get for you?"

You say softly as you clicked your pen and holding up your notepad

He blinks as he takes a deep breath, "Uh- Pancake and Bacon and Coffee"

Damn, you wished there's a machine to mind sweep your entire memory of him

You still remember it

He still eats the same way

"Okay, um, should I bring creamer and sugar?"

"Yes, please"

Shit, he still makes his coffee the same way too

Fuck, fuck, fuck

Who in the right mind that you chose to have your vacation here?

When you could do it somewhere else

You trust yourself too much that you thought you won't be able to see this familiar face again

You nod but you can feel his eyes on you

You look incredible

Of course, he'll take every chance to look at you

You cut your hair shorter, you even changed it into different shade of color, your natural dark brown is gone, it turned into more lighter brown

The wavy length and the bangs looks so perfect on you is shaping your face that he still does love until now

You dress so differently now too, he could tell by your silver rings and....

A piercing? You have three earlobes now

He adores how you wear your makeup, not too flashy but it enhances your features

He is delighted to see your face again, he never thought that the universe will give him another glimpse of you even is just like this

A part of him that made him sad for a sec, it's understandable that you changed your whole appearance

You changed because you want to forget who you were before

You have to remove every single thing about how you look that reminded of him

Maybe in another life....

You're happy together

You motion to Robin who is still absolutely puzzled from the not so obvious look of recognition form the both of you

She could already tell that is something is deep between the two of you

Before she tells her order, he catches Steve who is not even afraid to gape on you, he's not even trying to hide it until she spoke up and he heard her voice

He got shy all of the sudden and runs his fingers through his hair

"The Breakfast meal?"

"Yeah, right that one"

"A drink along with that?"

"Oh, a cup of coffee too as well"

You nod as you clicked back your pen as you tear off the paper from your notepad

"It'll be ready in a minute" you say, you offer the both of them with a small smile as you finally take your leave

Robin leans forward with her hands together, "Okay, what was that?"

"What?" He acts clueless, he knows Robin won't drop the scenario that just happened

Robin chuckles in amusement "Well, you tell me" she nudges her head to you

He glances at you with those eyes, you can still freaking feel them on you

You start cleaning the table and picked up the tip from a another customer

"Robs-"

"Don't you dare "Robs" me and don't you ever lie to me" she throws her hands up as she raises both of her eyebrows at him

He sighs as he scratches the back of his neck

"Do I really need to tell you?" He shuts his eyes for a second as he takes a deep breath

"Uh yeah? Because that look it isn't something that is far beyond that you just know the person"

"You knew her"

She leans backward as she crosses both of her arms

She can't even tell if she just struck off a nerve or offended him

"I'm just messing with you, dingus, it's okay-"

"No-No, it's just-" he exhales

"it's been a while since I saw her" he speaks in a voice that his bestfriend couldn't ever expected to hear

It sounds so broken, it increases her pique of interest even more

What happened?

"I hesitated because-" he looks at her with guilty eyes "I think you're not going to look at me in the same way ever again"

Robin listens intently as she gestures her to keep going

"I am here to reassure you that I'm not going to judge you"

"I did something bad in the past, Robin, but I've changed"

"We all have done something wrong in our lives, Steve, the right way to do is to face it, hold yourself accountable for it, and learn from it, but that doesn't make you a bad person"

He looked at you again, you are now serving someone else a vanilla milkshake

"Yeah, you're probably right, but to her? I am"

Flashback to 1986

He spent all of his allowance that his father gave to him

All of his money going out all night in the town

The prom was one month ago

One month ago

He trying to do anything to get you out of his mind

He drank a lot of alcohol and gets drunk most of the time

But when the morning comes, it felt like he needs to start it all over again

He realizes that trying to forget you, it's just a waste of time

He wants you to come back, he needs you to come back

He'll do anything for it

Anything at all

He knows it won't be easy

He angrily crumpled and tear off all of the pictures that he had with his friends

Friends that aren't not even real

He knows that you're right about him, it's just his own stubborn mind who refuses it

He hates himself

No, scratch that, he loathes himself for becoming like this

His mom's words were very dear to him even it's just a simple phrase

"Don't try to be something that you're not"

Don't be a fucking people pleaser

Now, he got the point why you don't like these titles at school

The social cliques at the campus

It's also his own fault that he got into this

He wanted to be somebody

Even it hurts people that he loves the most

So, that same morning, he is so determined to be different this next coming school year

He trashed everything that upsets him, he even ditched some of his varsity jackets, all of his trophies he put them all in a case and placed them on the attic

Everyone is going crazy how he acted so differently at school

He just rolls his eyes at it, god, now he really fucking gets it why you're so ick to this

"They're so overdramatic at this stuff, I mean- what's the damn point?!?" your voice echoes to his mind

That's where he retired of being King Steve

Everytime he heard someone mentioning it, he just grimaces, winces and even cringed at it

He doesn't even Iike to be called on that name anymore

Sure, he is still good at his academics and sports but now ever since he pulled that "dropping his title" at school?

He is now getting the treatment of true colors

Now, he is out of that barrier of being on the top popular guy at school

His eyes and mind opened at your perspective

He can see it why, fuck, that adds more salt to the wound

He cannot even blame anyone for making him being this way

Maybe, high school is tough that's why he did it

But then, he notices a pattern of events on his life

Fuck, he is just like his father

He rarely visits the house and just talking about his work and didn't gave him a chance to speak what is going with his only son

He never paid attention, never even cared, not even felt any affection to him

But when he does, he just snaps at him, and tell him that being emotional is weak

Having feelings are weak?

How fucked up is that?

So, he kept his mouth shut even though he wanted to yell at his father

The only parent that he felt being loved is his own mom

His mom that left them both behind, he can still remember it

Because why?

His father cheated on her too

It's like a damn cycle, it making him violently vomit at the thought of it,

History repeats itself

He made a promise to himself that he won't ever be like his father

But, he already done it and it angers him even more

"Hey, Steve" he opens and locks the door behind him

Not "Hey, son" am I even your son? He thinks to himself as he keeps his eyes on the television his own father doesn't even noticed the obvious scowl on his face

"There's this woman at work, who-" he chuckles in a salacious way and it sends shivers down to his spine

"Who slapped me right after I kissed her and told me that she isn't interested in me" he chuckles yet again as he removes his coat

"She wears that outfit and expect me not to do anything? She did that in order to seduce me, she wants it" he scoffs as he shakes his head

He gotten so uncomfortable, he starts shifting from his seat

Steve needed this bottled up emotions to blow up

He wants and he needs his father to hear him out

"That's what you did to, Mom, too, huh?"

The silence is too loud, Steve is so fucking insane for doing this confrontation but he has to do it or else he will lose his mind

"What the fuck did you just say?" His dad grumbles as he stares down at his son with a fire on his eyes

He glares at him as he chuckles dryly, "You're so messed up that it hurts" he spats

"What are you even talking about?" He pushed him by the shoulder

"I hate that you're my dad!" He does the same action as he stumbles back, Steve thought his mind playing tricks at him but he swore for a brief moment that he saw his dad cracked

He is guilty, he is ashamed of it, he knows he is not a perfect father, he is not proud of it

15 year old, Steve would've been shitted on his pants for doing this but he is not afraid of it anymore

He is completely appalled, lost for words, the way his narcissistic exterior washed out on instant

"I lost the girl that I ever truly loved because of you!" He points at himself with anger and sadness swirling into his eyes

"Do you think it's easy for me to live out my life there knowing that my own fucking father is proud to have this mindset?!?" He steps closer as he makes hand motions to his head

"I can't just push you away because why? You're my dad, I-I can't just do that" He throws his hands up as he sighs in exasperation

"I-I have so much things that I wanted to scream out loud for you to hear because I've been carrying it for a long time and it really sucks because this argument isn't going to change anything" He is trying to so hard not to bawl in front of his old man but it his voice wavered badly but he didn't care

This is the most unfiltered thing he has ever done in his life and he knows for sure this will help him....A lot

"You've gone soft, Steve, that's the real world"

He looks at him with furrowed brows as he shooks his head

"I'm not gonna grow up to be just like you, asshole" He laughs incredulously as he starts picking up his shoulder bags and luggage

"Where do you think you're going, young man?"

"I'm going to leave because I'm sick of you and this big house"

"You're not able to survive out there without my help"

"You know for the first time in forever made me realize having a enormous fortune isn't necessary in life sometimes"

"You listen here-"

"What is fortune when you don't even have a good fucking relationship with your parents and household"

That's where he slams the door shut and breathes out a really long satisfying sigh with a proud smile on his face

He feels good, he feels great, he feels he has done something wonderful in his life

This is just the start of it

He takes his car keys and drove away like nothing ever happened

"Steve! Earth to Steve!" Robin clapping her hands right across to her bestfriends face

"What- I'm sorry" he says as he began shifting on his seat

"Okay, so to be clear, y'all are highschool sweethearts before-" Robin squints her eyes as she make gestures to her expressive hands

"and I was...." His shoulders slumped down, he doesn't even want to finish the sentence

"King Steve" Robin shrug both of her shoulders as she gave a sympathetic smile

"yeah" A small but sad smile flashes on his lips as he ducks his head down in shame

Robin is obviously needs some more information to fully understand what happened to your relationship with him

"Is it so bad?"

"is far more than bad, Robs"

"Did you kill someone?"

Steve eyes widened as he genuinely laughed, "N-No- I didn't!"

She chuckles but she is glad she made him laugh, "So, what is it then?"

He just made this one look to Robin and as she tries to read his eyes, her smile drops

"Oh"

As if you we're on cue, you placed their orders on their table as Robin made a stressful brush up to her hair as she glances at you

"Your order's are complete, just call me if you're ready to-"

"We can pay now" Robin's voice is firm but a hint of disappoint surrounding at the tone of her voice

You looked over at Steve for a sec who still gave you those pleading eyes as you tried your best to look away as you gave the receipt to them

You've taken both of their payment as you walk away quietly

Did just Steve talked about you to her?

Fuck

"Robin- I"

"I know it's in the past, It isn't my place to open up the wound again" she sighs as she tug up a smile to him

He smiles as he nods to her words, he is worried that this could ruin their friendship

"But I am fond that you chose to change, Steve, you changed for her" she places her palm on top of his as she pats it gently

"Do you still love her?" Robin asks him as she tries to search his eyes

She can see it, the same devotion is still there, it never died and it never will be

His last words to you echoed into his mind

"I can't never love again, I only want you"

And it truly did

He still does

Robin chuckles slightly to Steve with those lovesick eyes, "Of course, you do"

"You can't never get over with your first love"

You're done with the night as you put on your jacket along with your sling bag on the shoulder

But when the time you got inside of your car, your vehicle won't start up everytime you try it won't ever run

You sigh in frustration "Goddamn it!"

You look over to the other side of the road, you saw Steve locking up the doors at the Family Video

Shit, the universe is really testing you

You walked outside of your car as you close the door with a slam as you start to pace around it

You fumbled with the stuff inside of your bag as you pulled out a cigarette stick and you flick the lighter in your pocket

You inhale deeply as you blow out the smoke, you massage the back of your neck as you try to figure how to get the fuck outta here

You're mad that you're hopeless to get home

The last thing that you wanna do and the last option is to get ride home with Steve

You felt a hand behind you, you shrieked as you almost punched him in the face

"Woah- it's just me!" He held both of your wrist as he takes as step foot back to dodge your aim

You huff as you tap off the excess from your cigarette, you mumbled a small "sorry"

Well, isn't this great? Your first conversation with him after what??? 3 years???

He doesn't want to react because he hasn't seen you smoke before, I mean- you can do what you want but both of you really did changed

Did you developed anything else such as bad habits? that added another pang into his chest seeing you do things that you've never done before

He looked over to your car, "What happened?"

You blew out the smoke as turn your head into the other side, you try your best to remain calm but it feels all too much when he is this close to you "My car won't start"

"I can take you home, I know a place that can fix your car tomorrow" he suggest as he offers you a ride home respectfully, you can see that

Something is not right to him and it's giving you the creeps not in a bad way but why do he seems so nice? Is it because of you or he changed too?

You have no other choice, the terminal closes up pretty early, so, there's no train or bus to take

Only for tonight, just this night

You blew out the last smoke as you stub the cigarette into the nearest ashtray near the trash can

His eyes are glued to you, he watches your every move, of course, he knows that you wanna wrap this all up and forget all of this ever happened

As much as he wanted to talk to you ask you if you're okay, he respects your peace and boundaries

"Okay" you walk back up to him as the both of you crossed the road

What the fuck? Is he a gentleman now? You're not used to him like this, opening up the car door for you?

You flashed him a small but also confused smile as he jogs into the driver's seat

You saw the oh so familiar necklace that hangs on the rearview mirror

You made that necklace to him

Why does he still keep it?

He starts the engine as he put his hand over the headrest as he drives backwards

The drive was....so awkward and how quiet it is ringing to his brain

You just busied yourself watching all of the scenery outside in the car window as you passed by into different places

He takes his chances to glance at you

My god, he can't believe that you can still made him feel like this way

You crossed your leg that made your skirt rides up a little, he clears his throat

"Uh, so, which way should I go to?"

"Just turn here" you point out to him

He brings the car around the different small houses and his breath staggered he recognizes it

Oh, you're here because of your family

You're only having a vacation

"Stop here!" The tires screech as he stops abruptly and you accidentally bring yourself closer to him that he almost almost can kiss your lips in just one move

His breath hitched at the gap between the two of you

Your eyes flit to his and to his lips

It felt like eons that you both just stare for each other at the moment

You know and he knows

Fuck, you still love him

"I-I gotta go" you slowly move back up as you open the door but before you get outside, you softly say "thank you" and closed the door

You didn't give him a chance to reply as you quickly grab your house keys to unlock the front door

He sighs as he massages his forehead, he rolls up the windows before you get inside

"Take care" he says as you only nod and closed the door behind you

You squeezed your eyes shut at whatever that was inside of his car

"What are you even looking for?" He says not looking at you as he looks at a Nazareth vinyl

"Michael Jackson's Bad album" you say as you squealed gleefully when you found the one you were looking for

"We're going to be late for the movie, sweetheart" he hold both of your shoulders to grab your attention

"They're aren't going to start without us, Eddie" you say as you smirk at him as you walk away

"We have to buy popcorn-" he whines jokingly as he kept being all dramatic while he slings his arm around yours

"and drinks and other goodie stuff, I know, I'm just gonna pay this, stay calm" you giggled as you excitedly take the purchased album into your hands

"Hey, Eddie!" The same girl with the dusty blonde hair greets him the same time as you both are about to leave the record store

You can't never avoid him, huh?

She looks at you and your hand is wrapped around his forearm as she gives you a small wave

You only nod and smile, Steve is right behind her

"Dude, what's up?" Eddie greets him, right you forgot they studied in the same school

Of course, they knew each other, except for you because you left

You're nervous because of what Steve might think of you but you can't see anything on his face and his eyes

He doesn't seemed to mind that you're with someone else, there's no jealousy, mockery, sarcasm as he talks to Eddie

He doesn't even noticed how close you are at the metalhead

Meanwhile, Robin saw how you study him, but you look away you don't want to make him realize that you still care for him after all of this time and as she does as well

"Where are you two going?" Steve beams as he takes in how divine you look, Eddie didn't even catches it

"To the movies!" Eddie grins as he pulls you by his side as you roll your eyes playfully

"Are you guys going to watch Batman?" Robin gasps as she watches Eddie eyes goes big in excitement

"Yeah" you nod at her, Robin who is surprised that's the first ever interaction that you just had with her, so, she decided to introduce herself to you

"I'm Robin, by the way, I'm the bestfriend of Steve- ow!" He hits her by the shoulder as you chuckle in amusement in the way Robin punctuates and emphasizes the words to you

"We gotta go now" Eddie chuckles as he wraps his arms around you, but halts his tracks as he remembers something

"Sure, see you later" Steve nods as he purses his lips together as the both of them step inside

"Harrington, you could invite her to your party!" Eddie points at you and your close your eyes in embarrassment

You didn't tell Eddie about your history together with Steve but you did kinda....throw some hints at him about your past but didn't reveal the real name

Party? He still does that? you think to yourself

You saw how Steve became jittery all of the sudden as he tries to drop the topic right away but Robin, a glint of mischief on her eyes as she snaps her fingers at Eddie

Damn, you got yourself invited but you grew amused to the mystery girl

"I can't fucking believe you did that" he glares at his bestfriend who is pretending to be innocent as she walks away from him

"Oh- please, don't act that you didn't want that" she scoffs at his in denial behavior as she saw a vinyl that is similar to his situation

"You still want her, right?" Robin smirks as she gives the vinyl to him who is now gauging at his reaction

He takes the vinyl out of her hands without looking at it first but he laughs as soon as he saw the title

"Baby Come Back by The Player"

She wiggles her brows at him, he tries to kick her by the leg but she managed to dodge it

"Don't fuck it up this time, dingus"

"Trust me, I won't"

You had fun watching Batman with Eddie, he'll be right back with you as he headed at the men's restroom

You overheard a kid who is very defensive with his bestfriend, you try not to pry but until you heard the name "King Steve"

You've never looked around so fast in your entire life and your eyes fall onto the boy

"You're being friends with a douchebag-"

"He is not a douchebag!"

"Yeah, right, I heard he break girl's hearts like it was nothing-"

"T-That's not true!"

God, your mind is saying no but your heart is making you walk towards him

Curiosity got the best of you as you listen closely, but you stay alerted when things get heated

The poor kid, huffs as he shifts on his stance as he watches the two young ones left him

"He doesn't even like that name anymore, what a bunch of assholes"

"Hey, are you okay?"

He quickly swipes the tears away "Y-Yeah, I'm good"

He probably doesn't even remember you, "Dustin, right?"

"Yeah"

You smile sweetly at the kid, you really shouldn't ask a lot about him but you feel mystified of what you just witnessed, "Was that true? about what you said at Steve?"

"He cares a lot, he loves a lot, he is willing to do anything just to protect- Wait a second- who are you anyway?" He was getting into until he realizes that he is talking to a stranger and he paused

The kid missed the endearment on your eyes as you blink rapidly, you looked over your shoulder as you saw Eddie searching for you

"I'm gonna go now, bye" you say as he tries to chase you but you got lost in the crowd until he can't no longer see you

"Whoever that person is, that's so bizarre" he speaks for himself

"I have to tell this to Steve at the upcoming party"

He is not looking forward to it

But he wishes you were

He doubt that you will show up over at his house

But, honest to god, he thought the time stopped when I saw you walking by alongside with Eddie and Robin

His brain is muddled and his heart rate is increasingly so fast

"Hey, Steve-" Dustin jogs over to him but his mind is elsewhere as the door swings open

"Here we are" Eddie does his classic antics as he opens his arms as you chortled

"Welcome" Steve steps aside as he lets you all walk in

"Where's the drinks?" Robin feels so at home like she unashamedly looks through his refrigerator

"It's literally 7pm- don't you dare drink-" He puts his hands over his hips as he reasons with Robin

"Not that- I'm just thirsty" Robin rolls her eyes as she tries to explain

"You?" Dustin loudly made a sound that all of the guests caught their attention

You give him a small wave and a crooked smile and now you're regretting attending this

Steve clocked your reaction as he hold your shoulder leading you away from him

"Why are you pointing at her, Henderson?" Eddie is perplexed as he tries to understand the situation

"You mean- you didn't know?" Dustin bunches up his eyebrows at the metalhead

Steve glares at Robin who winced at the look that his bestfriend just gave him

"I think, you might want to sit down, Munson"

Steve has taken you in the backyard as he slides the door close

Oh, hell no

Not this place

Steve cringes what he just realized but he tries to keep his composure

"You still do parties, huh?"

He stare at you for a second, are you actually having a conversation with him?

"Uh no- we're going to have a movie marathon, not a party"

"Oh" you nod slowly in understanding as you stare at the swimming pool, you breathe in deeply as you keep your hands to yourself

Your sight of vision fell into Eddie, Robin, Dustin bickering at each other as you saw the guilty look on your metalhead bestfriend directed at you as you send him a small smile as you look away yet again

"I see that you told them"

"I-I'm sorry, I only told Robin-"

"Save it, Steve" your voice has gotten serious unlike earlier, but he can see it in your eyes that you're fighting between your emotions

You're trying your best to resist yourself for giving yourself away too fast

Steve's shoulders tensed as he looked up into the sky to find the right words to say to you

You deserve to know that, he needs you to know that him and Robin are nothing more than a platonic friendship

"Robin is just my bestfriend, she helped me"

"Help you?....with what?" You knit your brows together as you look at him in question with your arms crossed

"I- uh- I moved away from my dad after we- to live on my own independently" He suddenly became shy as he scratches the back of his neck as he averts his gaze somewhere else

That's where he truly see your eyes soften as your eyes went everywhere to his face

He can communicate properly with you now?

He is actually saying the truth to you?

You're not used to it and he knows he doesn't blame you

Before you can reply, Dustin calls out at the both of you as Steve sighs when you're the first one to walk away from him

"Hey, are you okay? dude?" Dustin asks him sincerely

"Yeah, man, I'm good" He lies, as he gives his young bestfriend a forced smile

False bravado, that's the mask that he's wearing all the time ever since you reappeared again

Tryna' keep up a smile that hides a tear

He wants you so bad, but how he will ever to win you back?

"Sweetheart, I'm so sorry, I didn't know-"

"It's fine, Eddie, it's not your fault"

"Do you want to leave?"

"No, I'm gonna stay, Eddie- it's alright, I promise"

"Just tell me, if you're not up for it anymore, okay?"

"Okay"

Everyone is a blobbering mess after seeing Dead Poets Society, except for you and Steve

You caught him giving you those eyes yet again like he was begging for you

Begging for you to give him a chance

He wants to talk to you, the scariest thing you could ever say to him that your doors are chained and he'll understand

But the thing is that, he can't live without you

He'll do anything to persuade you, convince you, make you believe that he is nothing like the "Steve" the one you've met before

If he could go back in time, he would redo everything

The moment when everyone is leaving and saying their goodbyes

He took your hand and he must swallow his shock because you let him hold you for the first time in forever

Eddie even talked to him while you were distracted by Robin, by him saying "I don't know what happened between the two of you that much but.... I'd get her back, man, whatever it takes"

"Can we talk?" He whispers as he puts you in the corner where no one else can see you both

"Steve-"

"Just give me the chance to make you see-"

Oh, Steve's brain just mushed down

Because you're fucking kissing him

He recovers as he cupped both of your cheeks as he gives into you

Your hand gets lost to his hair, god- he misses that a lot, your sweet scent, he's inhaling it so much that electrocutes his brain

The kiss went into seconds, minutes and feels like an hour

You don't know what's gotten into you but you know you're going to blame yourself for this

You already told yourself that your guard is up

But, your heart tells no otherwise and your body reacted, so, positively that it flushed down closer to his

You stopped yourself as you saw him chasing after your lips but then he saw how hurt you look, his heart drops to his stomach as he gulped

He is flustered and so are you, but he sees the recognition in your eyes, the realization

He flinched the way you angrily punched him in the chest all of the sudden as you wept in front of him

No words thrown out between the two of you

It's the same damn kiss

It never changed, it still feels the same, moves the same, the way both of your lips melded into one another is a complete shocker to you

He didn't care about your outburst as he let the tears fall from his face as he embraces you instead

He starts caressing your head as he tries to keep you calm on his warm hug

You held onto his shirt in a fist that you violently sobbed face flat in front of his chest

As much as you wanted to stay in that area

You begrudgingly dragged yourself away from him as you walked outside, not giving him a second look

He knocks off one of his picture frames as he slides his back down against the wall as he started crying

Love is embarrassing, isn't it?

3 years, 3 goddamn years, you both still yearn for each other

Your first kiss after 3 years invaded his mind the entire night, he stares at the empty space of his bed

God, he wishes that you were here next to him on his arms

You've never packed up your stuff so fast in your entire life

You're ready to leave first thing in the morning

The door bell rings and you hold your breath for a second

"Oh no, not you- Steve-" you tried to close the door but no to avail as he stepped his foot to prevent you from for not letting him in

He glanced at your luggage and bags that makes his stomach twist

"Have you used up all of it?" He says as he kept his eyes on you

"W-What are you even talking about?!?" You threw your notepad in the near table, fuck- you shouldn't have double checked too much on your lists before going out

He got you now, you can't escape this

"All the love in your heart"

That's where you avoid his eyes as he moves closer to you

"Ain't there nothing left for me?"

"Steve- stop!"

"That's right-"

"What-"

"A lot of people that I know what I did to you was foolish, anyone can see it"

You let your stubborn attitude subside as you listen to him

"There's was something and everything about you"

You take out a shuddering gasp as your eyes burn from the threatening tears

"You can blame it all on me, I was wrong, baby, I-I just can't live without you"

He could've done this before

Take the responsibility of his actions and not to sugarcoat every word and have the guts to hold the accountability of his mistakes

"Steve, you gotta move on-" you lie what you truly feel, what's stopping you?

"Baby come back, come back to me, please"

"S-Steve, I don't know if I can trust you-"

"I didn't realized what I had when you're were mine!"

Your guarded demeanor has shunned off as you let your arms dropped to your sides

"I-I confronted my dad after one month ago when we go on our separate ways, I-I know this is unbelievable but I removed everything that you didn't like with me, my friends, my title, all of it, and it did helped me to become a better person"

He looks straight into your eyes, he never looks away as he tries to make you understand

"And I'm so very sorry that pulling up that fucked up shit that I did before just so I can improve myself and to have a character development was utter bullshit, hurting you was never right"

You purse lips together as you shake your head in disbelief

"What I said back there was still true too"

"What do you mean?"

"That no matter what you do to me, whatever happens to the both of us, I'd still love you"

He cries, his face glows so red as he takes in every feeling that he's receiving

You're the first one yet again to kiss him

He yelped as he brings you closer to him, your hands went through his hair as you throw your arms around him, he dives in deeper earning a moan out of you

He breaks out of the kiss, your face went pale but he shuts off your thoughts with the words

"You sure, you want to do this?"

"Steve, yes, I do, I want you like you want me, I need you like I need you-"

You're about to dove back on him aggressively but something feels so different on his touches, it's not foreign but it's making you want to bawl at how he is so soft with you

His eyes crinkle in awe and delightment as he couldn't get anymore happier

He carries you upstairs as he puts you onto the bed carefully

He removes his shirt and his pants, you get out of your shoes and when you're about to remove the straps of your dress, he beats you to it as he slowly takes it off but not without kissing your neck

His hands goes under your skirt as he plays with the garter of your panties

You spoke his name so decadent that he nearly melted down on you

You held onto him by the shoulder blades as he finds the zipper on the back your dress, he unzips carefully and lovingly as he takes his sweet time to adore and treasure every single moment of you

This is not just sex, he never looked at you like the one from before only filled with lust

This is love and admiration and it touches your heart so deeply that it might've been stop beating for a few moments

It's unreal that he is doing this to you, it's also unreal that you let him do this to you

When all of it's left is your paired black lacy undergarments

You both stare together for a while as you held his cheeks as he rests on it

He smiles so wide that it actually hurts and so are you, your smile lingered everytime he looks at you

You raise yourself using your elbows as he unclasp your bra, he threw your bra across the floor somewhere, he can't help but to kiss you again, you mewl as you fall back down on the mattress, you grind yourself against him as he groans when felt how wet you are

You kept grinding yourself onto him as he grants your wish as the friction increases more

Next thing to remove is your panties, you whine, when he licked a stripe into your cunt

"Steve-"

"Yes, baby?"

"I wanna feel you"

You don't need him to ask him twice as his boxers flew off somewhere

He carefully enters your sopping aching hole as you both moan in pleasure

Your jaw falls slack as your furrowed brows crumpled up even more as you adjust to his size

He kisses every part of your body, worships it while you're losing your mind of how it feels so fucking good just like before

"F-Fuck" he curses, praising you as he kisses your jaw

He watches how your cunt clamps sucking him inch by inch, he grunts when you start clenching around him

You're drooling, your eyes are fucked out, you're brain is mashed up

You're a fucking goner

He kneads your breasts as you moan even louder, the squelching sounds that comes in and out of you is music to his ears

"S-Steve, pleas-e move!" you squeal and your voice becomes so tiny that you bit your lip

He spreads your legs far more wide as he grabs your hips harder

You arch your back when he picks up the pace and hitting the spot were you're mostly addicted

"Oh!"

Your eyes roll backwards as your mouth hangs "0" shapes as Steve watches your expression contorts in pleasure

Breasts are jiggling, he goes faster and faster, he places himself on the crook of your neck as he puts lovebites all over it

You locked him in place as you can't keep your suppressed screams any longer

"Steve!"

"Christ-"

You scream his name so loud that his brain shortcircuit as you both came undone

He peels himself off of you but you held him close

"No, don't pull out just yet"

You tap him by the shoulders as you switched positions, he let out a sharp gasp at the angle that you're on top of him

Despite the overstimulation, you grind yourself onto him

"Woah- baby, fuck-"

"Yeah?"

"Don't give me that look- I'm gonna bust"

You giggled as you close your eyes at the sweet sensation as your brows pulled together and you moan when you start to bounce on his cock

Holy fucking shit, you rocked up his world

His hands are everywhere literally setting you on fire, he brings you closer as you continue to do your job as you look at him with blacked out eyes

His eyes got even more darker as he copies your move making your head fell onto the side allowing him the access to kiss your neck

You both went off to one another as you both entered another climax

You fell asleep together after 3 years

The scenario you'll never thought you could experience again

You woke up in a cold empty bed as you look around in your room, you can't see his clothes anymore, maybe he's in downstairs

The last night events flashes right before your very eyes as you bring your knees up

A tinge of pink on your cheeks as you try to remember every detail happened last night you were so beyond elated and in a complete bliss

You wore your dress again as you went downstairs only to find Robin

"Robin?" You ask in confusion, not that you don't want her here but it's just so random

"Hi" she waves awkwardly as she scratches her head

"What are you doing in here? Where's Steve?" You look for him again but it seems like he left

"Don't freak out-" She breathes out

You raise both of your eyebrows as you motion for her to continue

"He's at the airport" She says as she starts following you making you stay focus but she has no power to control you

"What?" You take your car keys as you went inside the vehicle and turn on your engine

"Wait- stop! He didn't told me the reason why! He just said he'll be at the airport!" She shouts out loud as she rests her back against your front door

"Okay, I'll be here at your house! Steve and his ridiculous lovelife- I swear to god- I'm gonna kick him in the ass" she slumps down in defeat as she mutters words under her breath

Why would he leave you?

Fuck, no- did he regret it again?

Tears well up in your eyes as your stomach began to churn as you fighting for your dear life to get into the airport as fast as you could

No, Steve wouldn't- stop overthinking- maybe, he has a reason

He won't just leave you like this, you felt how soft and he made you feel like you're the only person on his life

He made you think that the both of you had a future

So, why would he leave without a word?

You ran as your feet can take you, but when you saw the airplane takes it flight, you rest your head against the window and sobbed

The familiar voice calls your name and you look around a bewildered Steve who is now walking towards you

"Baby, what are you doing-"

"I thought you left me" you hold him tight as you looked at him in the eyes

"You're not going to leave me? Are you?" Your voice sounds so small that he doesn't want to see you crying anymore

"Honey, I'm here, I would rather jump off a cliff for leaving you all alone again, okay?" He reassures you as your worried features decreases but there's still uncertainty on your eyes as he takes a deep breath

"Robin is in the house, I don't-" he cuts you off as he tuts

"Ah-ah, let me speak- the airline called me in the morning and told me that the schedule that I booked in for is going to take off and of course, that would be a disaster since I used half of my expenses for the flight right? So, I made a decision on the spot- I called Robin to accompany you because you were peacefully asleep, baby, I don't wanna wake you and I was about to come back to you and tell you that you're coming with me" he held up in front of your face of two airplane tickets

Your unsureness totally fades away as you look at the ticket, you read aloud what it says

"Chicago?"

"Yeah, I'm going to take you with me while I study for college"

"I actually want to take master's degree too"

"Yeah? We can go together"

A big smile grows on your lips as you step forward to him as he closes the gap and gives you the most promising kiss

"We better start packing up soon"

"We sure are"

"I love you"

He kisses your cheek, "I don't think I could love you more, baby, I love you more than anything"

•

special mention to @savage-aespa, this person here is the main reason why I made this fic! literally giving me an idea that there's a possibility for them to be together and I hope I did my job alright! I'm sorry, it took me a month to finish this up and if you made it here, thank you so so much for reading, your support and your kindness will always be appreciated! take care always! 🥹🫶🏻✨

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 10/1/2024

come getcher BOY in HOUSTON TX limited time DEAL he will be going to the shelter where they hopefully have more resources to place FIV+ cats on FRIDAY!!! he has gotten so sleek and healthy looking after only a month of unlimited kibble he will be SUCH a nice silly companion for someone but unfortunately that someone is not me

^worried about the air purifier turning on

listening

OWW. feat BUBBLE by Halo Boy is fun bc it’s fun to yell “gimme love bites like OWW!” brain empty just songs that are fun to blast in the car. not quite a candidate for the “SOMEBODY COME FUCK THIS (GAY)” playlist but certainly worthy of inclusion on the “SOMEBODY COME FUCK THIS (NOT GAY)” playlist

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reading

i have a lot of uncomplimentary thoughts about frank lloyd wright. part of them revolve around the fact that buildings are really not meant to last forever, especially experimental buildings made with experimental materials. i am furious, however, that a cryptocurrency grifter couple bought his only skyscraper for $10 to "save it from bankruptcy" from a tiny nonprofit, seem to be hacking it up to sell the furnishings in pieces, and have put the building up for commercial sale on a site mostly used for fast food franchises and strip malls. the building, like many frank lloyd wright buildings, is in pretty rough shape. i've seen some walkthroughs and video tours and there's a ton of water damage and then extra water damage from oklahoma winter ice. i do not know if the building as a whole is reasonably salvageable without tens of millions put into it and a new foundation put in place to take care of it.

Liz Waytkus, the executive director of Docomomo US, an organization that works to preserve modern architecture, said it strongly opposes any sale of the Wright materials. “They’re trafficked goods,” Waytkus said. “The same that you would say of pottery or vases from Egypt or Mesopotamia that were obtained through illegal ways, these pieces from Frank Lloyd Wright should be thought of in the same exact way.”

i think the above quote is a little dramatic. what the crypto couple are doing is more in bad taste than anything, bc they do own the building. in my heart of hearts, i do think pieces and fixtures designed specifically for a site should stay with the site as long as reasonably possible. they're not going to look or function quite the same anywhere else. this is the unfortunate reality of getting a superstar architect to design The Whole Site and not just the building, you're kind of (in good taste and not legally) obligated to continue to preserve The Whole Site and not just the building.

another in the "not technically illegal but in bad taste" file, for both sides imo but i do think the misbehavior is greater on one side. idk if matt is like Unwell, or if he has tech founder brain and it's simply been more visible lately. oh my god i looked up how old he was (40) and he is local to me. ive probably seen him patio dining somewhere or walked past him at the rodeo and simply haven't noticed

But in a dispute that’s meant to clarify what is and isn’t WordPress, Mullenweg risks blurring the lines even more. WordPress.org and WordPress.com both have a point — but it looks an awful lot like they’re working together to make it.

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watching

kind of a light week? i don’t have anything particularly interesting to say about any of these.

i did not plan this bc i was kidnapped last minute by my bestie to see Howl’s Moving Castle in theaters, which was a very fun movie to see on the big screen. i have not seen a movie in theaters since Birds of Prey in early 2020, kind of scary to be inside a theater again! wish covid had not so thoroughly broken my health and confidence and i also wish covid was Over over instead of a constantly rolling crisis!!

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playing

i am going to preface this section with two facts: 1) i have been playing genshin impact since version 1.0, before the second major region in the game came out and 2) i have been unemployed since january and have spent more hours per day playing this game than really anyone should in the past couple months.

ive set a bunch of very silly goals for myself bc genshin impact is largely a game about making your own fun within the grindy gacha framework and i have hit two and a half of them. you can "ascend" a character six different times to up stats by a decent percentage, and i have now ascended all 64 characters the maximum 6 times. the last one was heizou bc 1) fuck a cop and 2) fuck the machine boss in the chasm for his mats. why did THREE characters need these mats. wretched.

my next goal is to get all my characters to friendship level 10. you can increase this mostly by spending the in-game renewable resource "resin". getting your characters to friendship level 10 has no in-game benefits but does give you a fun little namecard for ur profile. i have been prioritizing my five-star characters and then going through the nations' characters in order. ive been done with the mondstadt kids for a while, i just maxed out my last five-star (dehya) today. as u can see by this list sorted by friendship level, i have five liyue characters and two inazuma characters left and just buckets and oodles of sumeru and fontaine characters.

i haven't really done much with the newest natlan character, kachina, bc i do not enjoy playing as the small children characters. there are so many tall hot ladies in this game. speaking of, the next character i will be pulling for is this tall drink of water

i have also caught one of every catachable animal! this one was very irritating bc u can only buy five nets a week. finding this one specific lizard was also very irritating. none of the point in the desert the official game map assured me were spawn points were actually spawning for some reason. had to go to several underwater caves and cross my fingers

-

making

fallow week

[sublimecatgalaxy]

Ahhh it’s been so long since I’ve been on here n I saw ur writing for PEETA?! I’m currently rereading the series n On Mockingjay and want to cry everytime he’s mentioned. Anywhoo can I request telling Peeta ur pregnant (obviously after the war is won and all that) in honor of baby #2 I’m due with in a October?<3

GIIIIIRL CONGRADU-FUCKING-LATIONS!!!!! I'm so so so happy for you, so so so so so happy omg. I hope this is exactly what you wanted it to be.

I also wanna reread all the books before the next Hunger Games movie comes out, so excited for that one.

There's a haze across the lake outside our house, steam rising up from the warmer water as dusk settles upon the surrounding acreage. The sky is a pale orange, like Peeta's favorite color, and the stars are already out, speckling across bare sky like freckles.

My hand wanders down to my belly, though it's not growing yet, I know what's growing in there as I think to myself now, sitting on the edge of the peer as I take a deep breath in, filling my babies lungs with the most genuine of oxygen.

He doesn't know yet, I didn't want to tell him until he finally had a break from all the stress he's been under the last few years, finally bridging the gap of his therapy and coming up perfectly clean from all the capitals torture.

He's finally him again.

"Hey, there you are." Peeta's voice behind me makes me smile to myself, realizing this is a better time than never to finally rip the bandaid off and tell him our big secret. "I've been looking for you."

"I'm right here. Where I always am." I smile up at him and I watch his eyes trail over me as he sits down beside me, legs swinging off the dock beside mine. It's so still, everything is quiet except for the frogs singing their song.

"You okay?" He asks quietly, pressing a kiss to the side of my head while he wraps an arm around my shoulders, pulling me into his side. He smells like the pastries he was just working on inside, warm hazelnut and caramel wafting all the way from the open kitchen window to the pier.

"I've never been better." I grin, looking up at him with heart eyes, my whole body buzzing with love as I stare up at him through my lashes.

"What's got you so happy?" He asks, brushing some hair from my face as his thumb brushes against my bottom lip and I giggle giddily, giving his knee a gentle squeeze.

"I have a secret."

"Oh yeah? Can I know what it is?" He asks with a silly smile, eyes flickering from mine, all the way down to my lips.

"I'm nervous," I say through a small, worried smile and his expression softens to something so wholesome, so caring as he worriedly looks across my expression.

"Don't be nervous. It's me."

There's a pregnant (pun intended) pause between us as I think of how to bring this up in a way that's not just blurting out 'you knocked me up', even though that would probably make him laugh. My mind wracks the conversations we've had about having babies, making a family, and he's never given me one ounce of fear that he may not want it with me.

"You always wanted to have babies right?" He pauses, brows furrowing together as he gives me a slow, drawn-out nod.

"It was always the plan after I was de-conditioned... right?" He asks, leaning a little away from me so he can get a good look at me and for a moment I think that he's connecting the dots in his head.

"Right." I huff, giving him a bright smile. "So..."

"Oh my god." His realization is sudden, eyes widening and his smile spreading across his lips as quickly as the thought comes into his head. "Really?" He asks and I giggle, head tossing back in laughter as Peeta grabs my shoulders and shakes me. "You're joking? You can't mess with someone like this-"

"I'm pregnant." I squeal and he throws his arms around me, tugging me to his chest as a small cry escapes him and suddenly, all of the pain of the last few years closes like a book just as another one opens.

[ruewrote]

𝑏𝑒𝑡𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝑡𝑜 𝑏𝑒 𝑠𝑎𝑓𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑛 𝑠𝑜𝑟𝑟𝑦.

PAIRING: jacob custos x fem!reader WARNINGS: jacob's bear trap injury, strong language GENRE: angst / fluff SONG INSPIRATION: start a riot by BANNERS WORD COUNT: 1k

navigation | ask | the quarry masterlist

out of all the horror movies that you'd watch about vampires, zombies and werewolves you never thought you'd ever be in one of your own.

especially not in the summer camp that you'd grown to love over the years.

now desperately trying to find your fellow work friends, hoping that they'd gotten to safety. you silently prayed that you would too as you made your way through the thick forest to the main lodge.

the emergency fire axe felt heavy in your hand, your skin covered in dried mud and blooming bruises. fuck this night, fuck everything.

every little sound terrifying you, not realizing how loud everything used to be until now. whether that be the crunch of twigs underneath your boots or the whoosh of the wind.

"ah fuck! ah shit!" someone whimpered in pain, moving closer as you readied the axe, moving through the trees to find jacob and an old guy with a sniper rifle with his back to you.

"look if you could just--" jacob begged, but soon stopped when you knocked the hunter out with the back of your axe.

"holy shit!" your breath staggered as you dropped to your knees, inspecting the bear trap that had clamped itself around jacobs ankle, surprised that he was even conscious. oh right , adrenaline.

"oh my god, am i happy to see you right now!" he shouts, but is quickly cut off with your hand tightly covering his mouth.

"you've got to be quiet. something is out here with us, i’m not quite sure what, but i've also got to try and pry this open. whatever you do, you've got to be silent. we can't attract more attention to ourselves, okay?" you whisper, earning a timid nod from him.

removing your hand you get to work, glad to have accidentally watched that documentary a while back you were able to press the two spring levers, making it fall open.

you were quick to grab him before he lost his balance, helping him stand, wrapping his arm around your shoulders for support and yours firmly wrapped around his waist. making a slight mental note to ask why he was practically naked later.

helping him back to the lodge for some sort of first aid. the two of you walking in tandem, your grip on him tightening as he wobbled trying to hold back his groans. you reached up for his hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. jacob giving you a tight but appreciative smile in return.

your legs ache when you finally reach the building, carefully sitting jacob down on the bench in the kitchen, grabbing the first aid kit out of the cupboard, a fresh glass of water and the paper towels off of the rack.

"i’m not even going to sugarcoat this, this is gonna hurt like a bitch. but i promise i'm gonna try to be as careful as i can, okay?" you uttered and he nodded.

you began to unbuckle your belt, unlooping it before holding it out to him, jacob grabbed a hold of it confused, "to bite down on, worst case,"

not caring if it was dirty or not he bit down on it, letting out a sigh you picked up the glass of water, pouring it around the wound, using a piece of the tissue to swipe away the dirt. briefly looking up to see his hands squeeze the wood underneath him.

wincing for him, you opened a disinfectant wipe wasting no time to swipe it around his injury, making him let out a whine. stopping for a second to place your hand over his.

causing him to look down at you with tears in his eyes, your heart breaking for him. "i know, i'm so sorry. all i gotta do is wrap it up. it shouldn't hurt too bad,"

and so you did, your belt now back to holding up your shorts as you looked through the pantry for any sort of food. making sure that jacob stayed sat down even though he wanted to help.

"a-ha!" you announced, grabbing the unopened box of cereal bars, returning to jacob. "how long do you think they've been in there?" he joked.

"after tonight i think the last thing we have to worry about is expiration dates, but of course i checked and they're okay, actually relatively new so we're good."

handing him one then another for yourself, shoving the rest in your backpack. retrieving the oversized hoodie offering it to him.

"quick question, where are your clothes?"

"me and emma went swimming in the lake for old times sake, until we heard abi scream. well at least i did, emma kinda disappeared after that." his words coming out huffed as he pulled the clothing over his head.

you looked down and started playing with your hands, trying to hide the hurt on your face. of course he was with her! what were you expecting? the whole summer you had been crushing on him, having to stay quiet about it because of her.

"oh. well i'm sure she's okay, she's...strong ya know?" you offered him a small smile.

"thank you by the way," he started, your eyebrows furrowed. "with saving me back there and you patching me up. i swear i was about to die!"

he playfully knocked his shoulder into yours, looking at him concerned, "don't joke like that. i-i don't think i could handle that... losing you i mean." a frown now replaced your smile from just thinking about it.

"hey, hey. i'm not going anywhere, well not if i have a say in it anyways." he leans into you, making you look back up at him.

the way his eyes flickered from your eyes to your lips, made your breath hitch as he leaned closer, lips almost touching when you heard a girl's scream.

"emma?" jacob jumps up and limps out of the lodge, leaving you sitting there alone feeling your heartache and the tears sting in your eyes.

who were you kidding yourself? he'd always pick her.

comments and reblogs are appreciated ♡

© ruewrote 2024.

[sweatervest-obsessed]

Last, Last Time (alternate ending)

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader (she/her pronouns)

WC: ~8.2k

TW: Angst, guns, violence, mentions of domestic violence, blood, swearing, depression, kidnapping, manipulation, self-deprecating thoughts, heartbreak, arguing, the grieving process, drinking, screaming, crying, being under pressure, and anything else that comes with a criminal minds episode.

a/n: based on S15 E6 - first date. I love u aubrey plaza <3. Also inspired by the song Last, Last Time by Boys Go To Jupiter.

hey guys! some people had asked me about a happy ending version of this, and I've never really written an alternate ending before, I was struggling with whether I wanted this to be good angst or not, so having been swayed....here is the alternate ending!

Original Spencer Masterlist

“Spencer I won’t—I can’t keep doing this. I’m sick of arguing in circles.” 

“Y/n…”

“I-I feel like you take me for fucking granted Spencer. All I do is work and then come home and wait for you to actually be able to, I don’t know, sleep in the same bed as me for more than four hours.”

The look in his eyes almost took you out but your heart had already been broken long, long before this argument. If anything, you were starting to feel this sense of freedom as you broke his heart. 

“Please. Y/n. Just–I don’t—Just give me a few days to convince Hotch to let me have some time off and we can work on this please.” 

“Wait for the potential of us?” 

Spencer’s jaw loosened. You couldn’t read beyond the initial layer of pain and confusion, which made your chest ache since not too long ago you could have been able to find everything you needed in his expression.

“God Spencer this can’t be fucking news to you. We’ve been drifting apart for months now.” 

“I know, I know. You have been so patient with me and I’ve just been….there was that whole thing with Cat and then….I-I was trying so hard y/n…”

“No, first there was that whole thing with Maeve.”

“That’s not fair—”

“Oh that’s not fair? Really? You’re going to tell me the entire Maeve thing isn’t fair to you?”

“I’m sorry.”

You sighed and closed your eyes. “I’m not saying you weren’t trying but come one Spencer. There’s no need to deny this shit anymore. I hate it when you lie to me about these kinds of things.” 

Spencer’s hand came up to his face and it dragged down, aging him significantly with the fatigue written all over his face. 

“So you’re just going to pack up everything, break my heart, and leave? Were you even going to say goodbye, or was I going to come home to an empty home and no note…” 

“I-I don’t know Spencer. I just don’t…” 

The tears were starting to creep in, and you had to place the box down before you lost it.

“This isn’t easy for me either…” Your chest heaved. 

The both of you stood in silence, tension simmering surrounding the both of you like heat on a summer’s eve. Neither of you could really look at one another, but it felt wrong to look at anything else. Something was missing but you couldn’t say it outloud. You knew you would always love Spencer Reid but this time it was not enough. 

“I’m tired of arguing Spencer.” 

Your eyes met his. You felt Spencer’s arms around you before you could even feel the tears hit your cheeks. Your arms immediately went to his neck, so familiar. No longer home. 

Spencer’s voice muttered into your ear. “Don’t cry Jolie. It’ll be okay..” 

About three years ago, Spencer had decided that he didn’t like that you had nicknames for him, and he had none for you. He spent weeks workshopping different ones : Sugar, Honey, Pumpkin, Sweetheart, Darlin, Pookie, Lover, Sunny (like sunshine), Sunshine—it was a wild week trying to figure out who he was talking to. Then one day, offhandedly, he was trying to tell you about this french film he had been watching, and trying to get Emily to watch with him. 

He called you ‘tres jolie’, and blushing you had asked him what it meant. He told you it meant pretty. 

And it stuck. 

Now? It stung. 

All you could do was squeeze tightly onto him, not ready to let go.

“You’re so pretty when you’re lying through your teeth.” You whispered after a few moments, pulling away out of his arms. 

“I.” You swallow and step back, out of his reach. “Maybe I’ll.” 

Spencer just looked up at the ceiling, trying to hold in the tears that were streaming down his face. 

You grabbed the last box on the counter and your keys, and walked out, for the last time. 

You awoke in your bed, eyes adjusting to the complete darkness the blackout curtains provided you. 

Another fucking night thinking about your decision those four years ago, and trying to decided whether your life had gotten better because of it.

You still weren’t sure.  

Moving to get up from the bed, you decided to leave the curtains closed for now, feeling as if you could melt from the sun touching you. 

You turned on the bathroom light and started your morning routine. Wash face. Take meds. Brush teeth. Fix hair—

Somewhere in that process, you got lost, and just stared at yourself in the mirror. You weren’t sure for how long. All you could do was replay the last four years. 

Did you make the right choice?

Something was missing. It was missing from the spot on the couch. It was missing in the mug cabinet. It was missing in the kitchen while you played music and moved around by yourself. 

But you were happy. You have been able to throw yourself into your job, and open your own firm. You had your dream career, with some of the most amazing friends you could have asked for. 

None of which you would have met if you stayed with him. 

Maybe it was true what they say, you can only have a career or love, but not both.

The only thing taking you out of this spiral was the ringer on your phone going off. 

This caused some hesitation because your phone’s ringer was always off––the loud noise startling you. There were only a few people who had that emergency bypass, and none of them had called you in four years. 

You peaked out of the bathroom and saw the name light up on your phone. 

Emily Prentiss

__________________________________________________________________________

The door to the round room opened up and in walked Spencer Reid. “Catch me up.” 

Prentiss clicked the remote, and the TV lit up with a picture of a woman smirking facing the camera while holding a gun up to another one next to her. “Early this morning, Garcia got an email from an anonymous server.”

The second woman was tied up, mouth slightly open, and eyes filled with tears, while a man on the other side just had his eyes closed, tired. . 

Spencer just stared at the photo. 

Rossi nodded at the picture. “She's not obscuring her face, telling us she's got nothing to hide.”

He never pulled focus away from the screen, mouth dry at the thought of what today was about to be.“Any ideas on the unsub?”

“No.” Prentiss sighed. “Only the unsub's demand. That we release Catherine Adams in 24 hours.  I'm having her transferred here for questioning, but we have no illusions. This is just a game to her. We know that. The question is, do we want to play it or not?”

______________________________________________________________________________

Receiving a call from the FBI was not entirely new to you, since you had been engaged to one of their agents, but receiving one now? Something was deeply wrong from them to have to send you a call. 

You hesitantly pick up the phone. “Hello?”

“Hey Y/n, it’s Emily Prentiss—“

“I know who you are, Emily. It’s been a couple years, not millions.” 

Emily hummed a brief laughter, and you could hear other voices behind her, unable to make out anything. 

“I know this is hard to ask of you, but would you stay on the phone with me and come in?” 

“What?” 

“I need you to stay very calm Y/n, but I need you to stay on the line with me, leave your apartment as soon as you can, and drive to the BAU.” 

“Uh, yeah Em. I’m so sorry, I, uh, I completely forgot about our plans today. Let me get ready, and I’ll be there as soon as I can. Are we still meeting at your place or did you have a different location in the city?” 

“We’ll be at Quantico.” 

Your entire tone changed, having remembered what Spencer had told you all those years ago about if people were listening into your apartment, if they bugged your car—all paranoia that didn’t pay off then, might be paying off now. 

You were sure you could hear Emily sigh, and it sounded a little upset at the fact that you knew what to do–you knew how to handle a dangerous situation, which made her question everything in her life. 

Quickly you pulled on a pair of jeans and threw a sweatshirt over your pajama top and grabbed your keys off of the counter. 

Today was already stressful enough, what was the point of adding a bra. 

You left your apartment, waved to one of your neighbors, and hopped into your car, still on the line, just trying not to panic. Maybe something went wrong, maybe Spencer wasn’t okay, maybe he had died—you refused to even acknowledge that thought and decided it was something else entirely. 

It was a very tense hour of driving, that was only about forty since you knew how to drive above the speed limit. 

You realized that it was past midday, and you had taken full advantage of the weekend. So at least you had a decent amount of sleep under your belt for what felt like the beginning of an extraneous night. 

As you pulled into the parking garage, Emily Prentiss and someone you had never met before were standing there waiting for you. You placed your car in park, hopped out and walked up to them–only hanging up as soon as you were out of the car. 

Both of them have such grim looks on their faces, but at least they were trying to pretend like the situation wasn’t as bad as it appeared.

Emily engulfed you in a hug. “Missed you Y/n. It’s been too long.” 

“Well Em, next time I break up with someone I’ll consider your feelings first.” You squeezed her back, dryly laughing at your own joke. At least it caused Emily to snort. 

“Y/n this is SSA Luke Alvez. Luke, this is Y/n Y/l/n.”

“It’s nice to meet you.” He gave a small smile and nodded at you.

“I wish it were under different circumstances.” You looked over at Emily.

“Let’s head inside?” 

You nodded and the three of you moved inside. 

Sure, you hadn’t been here in a while, but you knew your way to the BAU Bullpen if your life depended on it, which was ironic since that was what this kinda felt like. 

As soon as you were safely in their round table room, Luke shut the door, and stood by it, Emily coming and sitting down next to you. 

“What do you know about Cat Adams?” 

That bitch. 

______________________________________________________________________________

“I would like to go on a date. With you.” 

Spencer stared at her, face stoic as ever. “A date?”

“Yes. I want to look pretty. And I want to have fun.” She looked him up and down. “And I won't even get physical, ok? Unless you want me to.”

Spencer sat down across from her. “Come here. Closer.”

Cat leaned in, a small smile on her face, absolutely intoxicated by being so close to him.

“The only date that I'll be there for is the one where they stick a needle in your vein.”

Cat scoffed. “You're just going to let her father and sister die? I don't think so.”

“I never said it was a father and daughter. You're already slipping.” He stood up from the table. “We'll find them. We always do.”

Cat leaned back and crossed her arms. “Not tonight. Tonight I win.”

His resolution had yet to change, “The score between me and you is two to zero. By tomorrow morning, it'll be a clean sweep. Enjoy eternal nothingness. It's a metaphor for your life.” 

And with that, the door slammed shut behind him.

______________________________________________________________________________

Both the profilers watched a series of emotions run rampant across your face, before you settled on a somewhat displeased smile. “A lot.” 

They exchanged a look, and you didn’t have the energy to pretend like you didn’t know what it was. 

“Don’t start with me today Emily. I know what you’re doing. Ask me the questions you want to ask. Don’t try to trick me into giving the answers you want. Don’t profile me.” 

Part of being engaged to a profiler meant you picked up on some of their own quirks. Which meant you saw Alvez bite his tongue and try to hide his smile. And you noticed that Emily, on the other hand, hid her smile a bit better but it was still there.

She nodded and pulled a file from across the table. “I’m assuming you know the basics since she, uh, is obsessed with Spencer.”

“Glad to see he still has that going for him.” You muttered and looked into the file. 

Emily shot Luke a look when he let out a huff or air, trying his damndest not to laugh. 

“What is the last thing you know about her?” 

You recounted the days leading up to the restaurant, and then the few days after, decidedly stopping short of the engagement breaking off a week later. 

They shared another look, and you didn’t enjoy whatever it was that had moved across their faces. 

“What happened?” 

“Y/n..”

“No Emily, I drove all the way from DC to Quantico on the phone, I deserve to know what happened.” 

Emily then begins to explain to you the past four years of Reid’s life. Cat pretending she was pregnant with his kid in prison, kidnapping his mother, framing him for murder in Mexico, going to prison—

“Spencer went to prison and none of you thought to call me….”

“We didn’t think you’d–” 

“I’m a fucking criminal defense attorney in DC Emily. Of course I’d want to know if he was arrested, especially internationally. I know that law better than all of you. If someone I knew was kidnapped, I’d call you immediately. Faster than the cops.” 

Both of them went silent. 

“So is he out?” 

They nodded slowly, silently. 

“How long was he in there?”

Nothing. 

“I asked. How. Long.”

Luke spoke up. “Three months.” 

“Jesus christ.” You stood up and started to pace around the room, taking the time you needed to calm down. 

Why didn’t Spencer call you?

Well you knew why Spencer wouldn’t call you. 

“Okay so he’s out.” You said finally. “Why am I here—He didn’t start….did he?” 

Emily shook her head. “He’s actually been really good about it.” She said softly, trying to calm you down. 

You started fidgeting with your rign finger; a habit you have picked up many years ago, and have yet to lose, even if the ring wasn’t there anymore. 

“Cat’s execution is coming up.” Emily started, trying to get you back on track. “And we….we found out that she’s convinced one of her former cellmates to kidnap...people…close to Reid, and we knew you’d be on that list for him.” 

“She already ruined that relationship years ago, she won that one. Why would she bring me back into it?” You sat down and looked down at the file on the table. You had never really seen a photo of her before, doing your best to avoid all of the media surrounding her arrest. 

She was very pretty, that much was certain. 

Just as you went to say something else, JJ knocked on the door, another blonde woman behind her. 

They entered and JJ gave you a small, yet genuine smile. 

You returned it, but quickly shifted your gaze onto the woman behind. 

Your whole body shifted slightly, into a place of defense, locking your emotions down. You knew all the profilers were watching it happen in real time, which is why Emily very casually put a hand on your knee under the table. 

“Would someone like to tell me what is going on here?” 

Your head turned as you looked over to Emilt, bewildered by this woman and her, well, bewilderment. 

JJ walked over and sat down on the other side of you. “Uh, Max, this is Unit Cheif Emily Prentiss and SSA Luke Alvez.” She pursed her lips before looking over at you. “And this is another one of the victims affected by Cat Adams, Y/n Y/l/n.” 

Max had crossed her arms and nodded. “Victims?” 

You quickly onced her over, a slightly unimpressed look crossing your features. “People close to Spencer get fucked over a lot.” This came out with a sigh attached to it. 

Max almost scoffed, but you watched as she nodded. “And how do you know Spencer?” 

Your eyes met with Emily’s really quickly. 

Emily looked over at Max. “She’s…”

“I’m Spencer’s ex-fiancé.”

It felt better to let this poor girl know, but somehow saying the words out loud left the most rotten taste in your mouth. 

Watching Max’s defenses go up in real time was a little sobering.

At least Spencer’s taste in partners with attitude hadn’t changed. 

______________________________________________________________________________

“Victimology is off.”

“How so?” Prentiss looked up at him as he walked into the room. 

“Father and daughter. She’s never done that before.” 

Lewis spoke up. “She usually kills men that remind her of her father. Children–even adult children, are off limits. Do we have an ID yet.” 

Prentiss, Rossi, Garcia, and JJ all looked over at Reid, and he just pulled a hand down his face. “It’s…It’s Issac and Noelle Y/l/n.” 

“Y/l/n…as is Y/n Y/l/n.” Tara looked up surprised at Spencer. 

Reid nodded slowly, just staring at the picture on the projector.

While Luke spoke up. “Who is Y/n Y/l/n.” 

“An old friend.” Rossi quickly interjected, before any more explanation had to be said. It was clear both Alvez and Simmons, that whoever this was, was an extremely touchy subject for Reid. 

Tara, who had only known you for a little while, looked back at the picture. 

Rossie spoke up. “What do we know about the partner who’s helping her?” 

“It’s got to be someone from her prison.” Simmons spoke up. “She hasn’t had contact with anyone else?” 

______________________________________________________________________________

After all of that, you found yourself back in a place you swore you left for the last time. It looked almost the same as when you had first moved out, but there was less of it. 

Almost as if he was having trouble covering places where things used to be.

There were almost no photos on the walls, since you were half of them, and had taken the rest. 

Calling someone you once loved a stranger feels wrong. 

Max was just sitting on the couch in your spot. She was looking around as you and Rossi stood by the kitchen counter. 

She had, understandably, decided she was not your biggest fan.

“Cat had a cellmate named Juliette Weaver. We believe the two were working together, as a way for Cat to get something against Spencer, and as payment, Cat would hurt Juliette’s ex.”

You nodded. “How does this affect me?” 

“She took your father and sister.” 

Your back straightened and immediately brought out your phone, to call your sister, but Rossi just placed a hand on your phone and shook his head. “If she finds out you know, then it’s all over. She’s doing this on purpose. She knows about you and Reid, but she knows that dragging you into all of this will hurt him more than anything else.” 

His voice had gone low and quiet, so that the girl on the couch couldn’t hear. JJ, who was on the couch, talking to Max, looked like she was trying to block out whatever conversation was happening in the kitchen. 

“So why is she here?” You whispered back. 

“Because we don’t want anyone in danger, and it’s better for us if we have eyes on both of you” 

You closed your eyes and nodded. “I need a cup of tea.” 

Rossi nodded, and placed your phone on the counter, and you walked into the kitchen,eyes closed from the stress of the situation. 

The apartment went silent, watching as you grabbed a kettle, and started to make tea. It was like second nature to you as you turned the stovetop on, grabbed a mug from the cabinet (careful to not grab one of his favorites), and grabbed some tea from the cabinet. 

It didn’t dawn on you that you were drinking your favorite type of tea until the second sip, while the entire apartment was still silent. 

The pity from JJ and Rossi was palpable. 

The disbelief from Max was a boulder on you back, like Atlas transferring the world to your shoulders. 

“Don’t even start.” You muttered, moving to sit down back next to Rossi on the kitchen stools. 

He shrugged and stayed silent. 

That is, until JJ’s walkie went off and she looked at Max. “It’s time. Let’s go.” 

Rossi looked over at you and gave you a quick hug, squeezing you tightly. “You’ve got this kid. Remember everything we talked about.” 

You nodded and gave both agents a strained smile as they left the apartment, taking Max with them, leaving you all alone in this place you once called home.

Never once, since you left, did you think you would ever be back here. You didn’t even realize you were drinking from one of your own mugs until it was just you. The irony of it was not lost on you, and you sat down in your spot on the couch. 

Well first you sat in Spencer’s seat but it felt too weird, so you shifted back into your spot on the couch. 

______________________________________________________________________________

“Juliette staked out in Reid’s life. Found out he was dating someone, but then must have discovered his ex-fiancée.” Simmons sighed. “He was probably so focused on Max, he didn’t even realize that someone was digging into his history, following them around.”

Prentiss nodded as they walked and talked. “But if Juliette was able to find Max, that meant she was easily able to find Y/n and her family. Plus, Y/n is not that hard to find—she’s a prominent public attorney in DC. That means Juliette must’ve had access to all of her publicly available information. “

“Well at least we found their hidden agenda.” 

“No. We found Cat’s hidden agenda. Juliette doesn’t care about Reid. There’s something we’re missing here. Do a deep dive with Garcia.” 

Simmons nodded at Prentis. “On it.” 

“I’ll go to Reid's apartment and monitor onsite. Is there a trap and trace on his landline?” 

“Garcia’s almost set up.” Simmons walked away from Prentiss, and down towards Penelope’s office. 

“Well this went from bad to worse.” Tara walked up to Emily. 

Emily sighed in agreement. 

Lewis spoke up. “Female narcissists destroy their competition. Y/n really shouldn’t be in there.” 

Emily just nodded and the two of them headed out of the bullpen. “Walk with me.” 

Tara kept stride with her as they pushed through the doors. Rossi was just getting off the phone with someone and turned to look at the two women approaching him and JJ. 

JJ spoke up when Rossi was finished. “So, the hospital just released the dad– Issac Y/l/n. He's on his way here now.

Rossi scoffed. “Question is, why let him go at all?”

“Matt's on that.” Emily gestures in the direction of Garcia’s office. “Juliette Weaver's real agenda should tell us where she's taking Y/n’s younger sister.”

Lewis spoke next. “I still think the play here is to get Cat and Juliette to contact each other, but I have no idea how.”

Prentiss crossed her arms. “I have a plan, but first we have to talk about Y/n.” 

______________________________________________________________________________

Just then, you heard the click of the door, and stood up, watching as the door swung open. 

And there he was. 

This was the first time you had seen Spencer in four years. 

And there he was, kissing Catherine Adams. 

The woman you could give partial credit to for ending your relationship. 

After a moment Spencer looked up, and took several steps away from Cat. His eyes were wide and locked on yours. 

It took a lot of self-restraint to not punch the lights out of Cat, and to stand still arms crossed. 

“Y/n?” Spencer’s voice broke a little bit. 

You never would say that Spencer was unattractive. In fact, it would be a lie if you ever even thought about it. But something about the past four years aged him like a fine wine. 

His hair was a bit longer, he had some scruff—his baby face had melted away and standing in front of you was a man who you thought you knew everything about, but was now a stranger. 

You didn’t answer him, watching as he took you in, standing in his apartment, for the first time since…

“What are you doing here?” Spencer’s voice cracked.

You looked over at Cat, who had the most devious smirk on her face. 

Remember what Prentiss had said to you. 

“You know why I’m here.” 

Cat nodded and the two of them moved into the apartment, the door closing behind them. 

Spencer just stood ten feet away from you, eyes never leaving you, and you watched him right back. 

Cat, on the other hand, was walking around, examining the apartment. You could see her take notice of the tea you had made yourself on the counter. You could see the hatred from the corner of your eyes. The two of you were starting to piss her off. 

She spoke up, after a few moments of silence. “Did it make you mad that I was kissing your Fiancé?” 

You shook your head. “No.”

Your focus had fully turned to Cat, but you swore you swore you could hear Spencer take a sharp inhale as you spoke your next words.

“Well, he's not my fiancé and I kind of have some other things on my mind.”

Cat didn’t scare you, but there was just something so off-putting about her. “Like what?” 

“Are you gonna hurt Noelle?”

Cat shrugged. “Not if I don't have to, no. Honestly, if she follows instructions, she might even learn from this whole experience.”

You scoffed. “What does that mean?”

Cat just started fiddling with the chess set on the dresser. 

“Spencer, what does she mean?” You turned to look back at him, his name feeling so good on your tongue. 

Spencer, who really hadn’t stopped looking at you and sighed. “She means that Noelle isn’t learning from her, but from Juliette.” 

You sat down in your spot on the couch, eyes closed, trying not to let Cat (or Spencer) see how truly upset you were starting to feel.  

Spencer noticed where you sat and had to look down to conceal any notions of a smile on his face. 

Cat watched him before turning and looking at you, more disdain on her face than before. 

“Normally, Spencie and I, we spend our time together playing games, but tonight, I've brought you all here to make a point. You are doing so much better.” 

Spencer spoke up. “With you?”

“Without you.” Cat snapped at him. “Besides, I’m not talking to you Spencie, I'm talking to her.”

She turned to face you. “Because, girlfriend, you need to know the truth about your fiancé.” 

“He's not my finacé.” You were unsure about how many more times you could say that outloud. 

“No kidding. When’s the last time you spoke? Right…” Cat walked over to the center of the room, right in front of the couch. “Here?” 

Your head whipped around to Spencer. “You told her about that?”

Spencer was pleading with his eyes. “I had to say a lot of things tonight.”

Cat’s voice caused your head to snap back to her. “Yes, he has. He said that you never compared to me, that, um... That no matter what, he will never get me out of his mind, unlike you. Unlike that girlfriend.” 

You tried not to wince at the mention of that girl Maxine out in one of the trucks.

Spencer sat down next to you. “Everything I said—I was lying to save your family.”

Cat scoffed. “Did our kiss look like a lie?” 

“No.” You locked eyes with Cat, almost challenging her. 

She seemed to enjoy it.

“Thank you. See, now we're getting to the heart of the matter.” Cat started mocking Spencer. “You see, everyone thinks that Dr. Spencer Reid is... Is just this nice, bookish, uh, genius who, uh, always saves the day and has all the answers. And has zero mommy issues, right? But, um... I know the real him.” 

“Oh, yeah? Who's the real me, Cat?” 

“The real Spencer Reid throws women against walls. And hisses that he's going to kill them.” 

Spencer stood up, squaring off against her.  “That was a very different situation.”

“No, it wasn't.” Cat was holding the smirk back this time, making your gut wretch. 

“Spencer…What is she talking about?” You looked from the psychopath in front of you, to Spencer, poor Spencer who has spent the entire day entertaining her.

“You tell her. She's not gonna believe it coming from me.” She huffed. 

“Cat..”

“Do it.” She hissed, eyeswide with hints of threate.

Reid turned and looked at you, his mouth dry and body stiff. “Two years ago, Cat had her partner kidnap my mother. Just like tonight. She got under my skin and…”

Your chest hurt. “And you threw her against a wall?” 

Cat’s smirk was breaking through whatever resolve she had. “Don't skimp on the details, Spencie. She deserves to know everything.”

Every single time she said Spencie you swore it was harder to not deck her in the face. 

Spencer looked down at his hands, and then over at you. His voice had gotten quieter. “She was pregnant at the time and I knew that when I hurt her.” 

“And?” She stood there expectantly, waiting for Spencer to finish. When he didn’t, her face suddenly became solemn. “The next day... I miscarried. The end.”

Spencer looked at her. “That's not true.” 

Youre eyes went wide. “What?”

They just continued to argue over you.

“It is most certainly true. Check my medical records.” 

“That doesn't mean I-I would…”

Cat held up her hand to him. “Stop. Look.”

Spencer looked over at you, just sitting on the couch, trying to process everything that was going through your head. 

After thinking about everything you had gone through, especially with Spencer. “I thought you were better than that Spence.” 

It was the first time you had used a nickname for him in years. And he was hearing it for the first time while you were stuck in a standoff between himself and Cat Adams, your sister being god knows where. 

Spencer’s voice cracked. “I'm sorry.” 

Cat squatted down in front of you, a sick smile on her lips. She was enjoying this. She truly enjoyed watching his life crumble to bits. “Notice how your Spencie is apologizing to you and not me.”

You clenched your hands. “He’s not mine…”

Spencer just looked over at you. 

Cat nodded. “That's good. Because men are all the same. Aren't they, Jolie?” 

Spencer’s eyes lit up with an emotion you rarely saw from him when you were together. “Don't call her that.”

And you couldn’t blame him. The word ran you through like a spear and you were sure if you looked behind you, the blade would be through the couch. You tried so hard to not let either of the two people near you see how much it messed with you. You couldn’t believe Spencer had told her that. Luckily for you, Cat was too busy pushing Spencer’s buttons to see the way her words won against you. 

Cat hissed at him. “What, are you gonna throw me against a wall and choke me, or do you only do that to pregnant women?” 

You finally spoke up. “Why are you doing this?”

“Because I want you to see it.” She gestured to Spencer. “I want you to see that he is...no better than he was before, or any man after. They’re all the same.” 

“Stop.”

Cat squatted down in front of you. “I can see it on your face. What's his name?” 

You stared back at her. “It's none of your business.”

That damned smirk of hers returned. “It is exactly my business. In fact, it's my specialty. I mean, I could have Juliette and baby sister go over there if you want. They could take care of him.” 

Reid looked over at you. “Say yes. Give her what she wants.” 

“Hmm. See, he wants you to get me to make a little phone call so they can trace it.” She moved away from you both and sat down in the lounging chair across from you. “They're so good, the FBI.”

You jumped up and started pacing, a spitting image of four years ago, unable to look at Spencer. “What is wrong with the two of you? What is this sick, twisted thing that you have? Listen, I just want to save my sister. Will you please just tell me what I have to do to do that?” 

“Tell me his name. Tell me the story. That's it. And then if they can let Juliette exit stage right, then I promise you I will let her go.”

You looked between Cat and Spencer before walking over to the kitchen, and hanging up the phone. After staring down at the decision you had just made, you walked back over and took your phone out. “Here. Use this. Use my phone. They can't trace it.”

She just watched you. “You'd be surprised.”

“I don't even need a call. Just... just a photo.” You held the phone out to her. “Something to prove to me that she's still alive. Please”. 

Cat just looked up at your face. “Story first.”

“Y/n. Please.” Spencer turned to you, hoping you’d look back at him. “I have been here with her before. She called the number and told the partner to kill my mom.”

“It is so tricky, isn't it? I mean, who are you gonna trust? The lying, cheating, violent psychopath... Or me?”

You looked down at the ground, refusing to look over at Spencer. “His…His name was Mike Davis. We dated for about two years. I met him a month after we…we split.”

Cat’s attention on you felt as if there were a million bees stinging your body all at different intervals, pain coursing through your body. “Good. When did it end?” 

“Last year.” 

“Was he good in bed?” 

Spencer stood up. “Shut up.” 

Cat was enjoying this. She was enjoying watching you make Spencer uncomfortable. She was enjoying hurting him in every masochistic way she could. “What? You have to know where you stand.”

“He was good…” You looked back at Cat. “Good at, um, separating me from my friends and my family. Enough that the first time he punched me in the face, I didn't have anywhere to go. And my first response was "I'm sorry, Mike." A fucking defense attorney apologizing to someone when they got hit. That's when he knew he had me.”

There was a glint in Spencer’s eyes, and you could swear they were tears, but you couldn’t tell from rage or sorrow. 

Cat continued to probe. “How many hospital visits were there?” 

You showed her a small scar on the inside of your elbow. “None. No, he... He knew how to hurt me just enough to hide it all, I guess. I never missed a day of work.”  

“But you found the strength to leave. What did you do?” 

“ I…”

“Tell me.”

“I planned. I planned and then I waited.”

Cat’s eyes lit up. “Waited for what? “

“I live here in D.C.” You looked between Spencer and Cat. “But I'm also a resident in Virginia. It takes 60 days for the permit to clear, but because I-I know some people…it was sooner.”

Spencer’s eyes widened. “Y/n, stop talking. Stop talking right now.”

Cat shushed him. “No, don't stop. Here. Give me the phone. Look, I'm gonna enter the text. Stick the landing and I'll hit send."

You handed her the phone and she quickly typed out a message, her thumb hovering over send. 

Fiddling with your ring finger, you started to speak again. Slowly. Concisely. “When I was ready, I picked a fight. Loud enough for the neighbors to hear. And he came at me with his fist just cocked back, so I pulled my Glock 19 out of my purse. I shot him.”

Spencer tried to interject. “It was self-defense. He was attacking you—”

“That's what I told 911 as he was struggling to breathe on his kitchen floor. That's why the police never charged me. I’m a lawyer, I know how to plead.” You closed your eyes. “But I... after I hung up, I... I shot him two more times.” 

Cat was glowing, spinning around to face Spencer. “Wow, you really have a type, don't you? Quite a dilemma, too. She just admitted to murder.” 

Spencer was in disbelief. “She'll beat it.” . 

“Probably. But whatever feelings she might have still had for you, and whatever Maxine might have seen in you—-it’s all gone.” 

The phone in your hand buzzed.

“Oh, wow. Look at that. Your sister. Alive and well. You're welcome.” 

Your face hardened up, and you stood up straighter. Walking away from the two of them, you opened the door. “I got it.” 

Emily took the phone from your hand and you turned back to the two of them. There was no emotion behind your eyes as you looked back at Spencer. 

Cat smirked and looked up at Spencer. “I win.” 

______________________________________________________________________________

The prison transport was quiet, with the two guards sitting across from Spencer and Cat. It had been silent for about twenty minutes, but then, Cat spoke up. 

“Do you know why I did this? Why I really did this?” 

Spencer looked down at his hands. “You wanted to prove I'm a monster just like you.”

“No... Silly. I just wanted to see you again. I just wanted to make sure that you would never forget about me.” She sighed. “'Cause when they do put that needle in my arm, I just want there to be even the slightest chance that... Maybe you're still thinking about me…”

Spencer stiffened as she placed her head on his shoulder. “You didn't have to terrorize innocent people. You could've just written a letter.” 

“Would you have written me back?” 

When Spencer didn’t respond, Cat knew her answer. 

“Bye, Spencie. I really enjoyed our date.” She smiled at him desperately, getting dragged out of the vehicle by the guards to the prison. 

______________________________________________________________________________

The elevator door opened and Spencer walked out of it, his whole body reeked of defeat, and he barely looked at Emily as she spoke.  “We need to debrief.” 

“I need some time Emily.” He muttered, walking right past her and into the bullpen. His expression changed when he saw you on one side talking to Tara, and Max on the other, looking up at him right as he walked in. 

“Spencer, are you okay?” 

Her voice caught your ear, and immediately you looked up to see her walk over and embrace him in a hug. 

He stiffly smiled at her, and returned the hug before muttering that he would be back in a moment.

Watching Spencer hug her and whisper something in her ear, make your stomach lurch, and you had to turn away. 

Spencer walked over to you, and you stood up as he approached. 

“Uh, Tara, would you mind giving us…”

She nodded at him and walked away. 

Both of you went to speak, trying to say something to the other. 

“I should explain all of this.” 

Spencer shook his head. “You don’t have to explain any of that Y/n—it doesn’t.” 

You cut him off. “Spencer, please.” 

The two of you moved out and voer into the kitchen, providing a bit more privacy than before. “It was fake—most of it was fake. I didn’t kill anyone, Spence. I was just lying to her to get her to send the text from my phone. It was all…It was made up.” 

He just nodded, staring at you, eyes cloudier than a storm crossing an ocean. 

You gave him a soft smile, and gently placed a hand on his shoulder. Both of you could feel the pulse between it, but your hand stayed where it was. 

“Mike Davis is alive, and I don’t really know about well. But he…we dated for about two years and he did…he raised a fist one time but never actually…he never hit me. I threw him out that night. I’m okay.”

Spencer lets out a breath slowly, just trying to take in everything you were saying. 

Spencer watched as what little resolve you had left crumbled under his gaze, and you looked up, trying to keep the tears at bay. 

He gently wrapped his arms around you, and helf you tightly, like all those years ago. “I’m so sorry you got dragged into this.” His words melted into your skin as you wrapped your arms around him. 

After a minute of standing like this, the two of you broke apart, and one of his hands came up to your cheek, wiping away a single tear that was left. 

You took a step back, the irony of this mirror image not lost on you, and you guestered back into the bullpen. “You have…You have to talk to Max.” 

Spencer’s face dropped a little at the mention of her name and he shook his head. “I’ll…I’ll deal with her in a second. She wasn’t the one who had to face a woman who completely….”

“Changed and fucked up what I thought my life would be. Yeah, I know. But she also cares about you.” You laughed a bit, putting back together a resolve that was nonexistent. 

“Spence, They filled me in on everything that happened between both of you in the past couple years, and they asked me if I would be willing to…help them beat her.” 

He didn’t like that you knew about everything that had gone down. He was so happy you were okay. He was a little impressed by the way you beat Cat at her own game. He was upset that you put yourself in danger. You could read him like you read one of your favorite books, knowing which emotion was coming up next. 

“They gave me an ear piece and everything.” You gave him a small smile, trying to make light of something. 

Spencer shook his head. “You’re not trained—that’s extremely dangerous of you.” 

You sighed and nodded. “Unfortunately Spencer, this is…this was the life I was used to when we were together. I knew the stakes. I mean the briefings I had with Hotch after you relapsed…” 

Spencer just clammed up and stood a bit straighter. “ I didn’t know that..”

“It was like that on purpose. I didn’t want you to think that you were a burden or too much or—I was doing it for the potential of us…” You cut yourself of, flinching at the parallels between this and your previous final conversation. 

Garcia walked over and placed a hand on Spencer’s shoulder. “I’m sorry to interrupt darlings, but I just need you both to know, Cat Adams had a miscarriage, but it was months after whatever encounter you had. It’s not your fault. We looked at her records.” She was speaking low for you both, yet both of you let out a quiet sigh of relief. 

You looked over at Garcia. “Thank you Pen.” 

Taking another small step back from Spencer, even though every single neuron in your brain was firing off, telling you what you were doing was wrong. “I should, I should grab my stuff, and go back. Penelope?” 

She had a rueful look on her face, but she nodded and took your arm, walking you back over to the desk where your stuff was. 

Spencer flexed his hand, almost as if he wanted to grab yours and never let go, but he just walked over to Max. 

You started to collect your things, but got sidetracked by a conversation with Rossi. 

You missed the small conversation that Spencer had with Max. You missed the way they hugged, and the way that the two of them walked out of the bullpen and to the elevator. You missed as they disappeared for a few minutes. 

“Rossi, I promise to do better about keeping in touch. I swear.” 

“I don’t just invite anyone over for dinner, you know. It’s an exclusive invitation.” 

You smiled, almost all real. “Trust me. I know. Besides… the phone is a two way device, so you have to text me first sometimes too.” 

You looked over for Spencer, the smile on your face shifting ever so slightly into one of sadness when he wasn’t around. And no one would have noticed, if not for the fact that you were in a room full of profilers. 

“Well everyone, I…this was lovely. We’ll have to do this whole ‘getting my family kidnapped’ again some time.” 

This remark caused a few laughs and some smiles, as you said your goodbyes, and Emily walked over to the elevator. 

She was about to say something, but the doors opened and revealed Spencer. He seemed like a weight had been taken off his shoulders and you smiled at him.

Emily excused herself, giving your shoulder a squeeze, and leaving the two of you alone. 

“Let me walk you out.”

You nodded, and entered the elevator.

The two of you stood in silence until you reached the parking lot.

You both stepped out, and looked over at your car, before looking back at one another. 

It was Spencer who spoke first. 

“I’m so so sorry Y/n.” He whispered. “I never meant any of this to happen to you, and for you to get dragged back here and—” 

As soon as he met your eyes, you dropped your bag, and Spencer wrapped his arms around you tightly, just holding you and resting his head on yours; trying to give you the comfort that he was rarely able to give you. You just tightly wrapped your arms around his torso and just held onto him tightly. Trying to decompress, trying to truly understand everything that had happened in the past twelve hours. 

Part of being a lawyer meant that acting and diffusing situations was part of your life, but sometimes, it was just a defense mechanism. It was exhausting. 

“Are you okay?” 

Spencer looked at your face, pulling away slightly. You were worried about him. 

He went to nod, but decided to shake his head no. “Today was…I’m so sorry she…” 

“It’s what she wanted, Spence, and unfortunately she just…” You whispered. You tried so hard to find the right words. 

After another moment in his arms, you took a step back and shook your head. 

“I’m sorry.”

“Y/n…”

“Spence you have a girlfriend.” 

“Y/n.”

“And I…I don’t know if I could put myself back to where I was four years ago.”

“Jolie.” 

You took another breath, but kept going. “You are amazing, and funny, and so smart Spence. But this…we ran our course. It didn’t work then, and I don’t know if I have it in me to try again just for it to fail.” 

“We won’t.” 

“You can’t promise something like that.”

“I can. I will.”

You shook your head. “Max…”

“We broke up.”

Spencer gently grabbed your face, giving you enough time to back out.

You didn’t. 

His lips locked with yours, his thumb rubbing against your cheek as the two of you shared one more moment, just for the two of you. 

Catharsis didn’t even begin to describe the feeling of the ache in your bones subsiding. Every single moment of stress, of doubt, just melted away and left you grabbing a hold of Spencer’s shirt and pulling him impossibly closer. 

It was going to be different. Everything was not the same. You both had grown, you had changed, and for the better. But eventually, you were always supposed to find your way back to this moment, with yourself in Spencer’s arms and your lips on his lips. 

It was solidified when a few months later, Spencer left the BAU to become a full time professor in DC, and moved into your apartment, abandoning the one where Cat had ruined your life not once, but twice. 

It solidified as the two of you made time for one another, constantly finding new cities around the world to explore. 

It solidified forever when he placed a ring on your finger and whispered I do in front of your friends and family.

It was always meant to be, and sometimes, the path to forever, is everchanging. 

But at least you were able to do it with Spencer Reid by your side. 

[edieblakewrites]

Ten People I'd Like to Get to Know Better

@thusspoketrish my fellow LIB trash twin

oh my god what an honour that you tagged me!! 😭🥹 we are now sacredly bonded for life

& thank you for your answers!

__________________

Last song: Drunk, by Semantics (Aussie alt -rock band) I expect no one to have heard this

Favourite colours: that deep, deep rich forest green, or British racing green? how the heck do we name colours--like who decides this.. but also, i love to wear all earthy colours - deep reds, brown, burnt orange, mustard (although wtf is mustard coloured in the earth? maybe clay. Or damp sand if you squint?

Last book: currently reading Maurice by E.M. Forster.. and by currently reading i mean i'm 5 pages in & have spent the last two months doing other things

Last fic: i listened to @sweatersinthesummer podfic

https://archiveofourown.org/works/59185825?show_comments=true&view_full_work=false

for, what I thought - by baffling haze

https://archiveofourown.org/works/1953717

Last movie: maybe Scott Pilgrim vs The World. tho do feature length documentaries count? i've been true crime-ing it UP the last few weeks

Last TV show: speaking of true crime.. or maybe true crime adjacent.. investigative documentaries?? what are terms pls.

whatever the one is where the WWE guy is being all exposed or whatever; i'm half way through that

Sweet, spicy or savoury: i was basically born with chocolate in my mouth

Relationship status: independent. (yess me GET IT GIRL woo!) but also, single. pls send me a ready-to-go partner by post. Or that magic dough they used in old school Sabrina where they built their own love interest. 80kg of that should do

Last thing I googled: ok so ignoring the fact i had to google things for this questionnaire (insert me googling the word "green")

it was "bkue tongue lozard blep" (or, perhaps better known as: blue tongue lizard blep)

Current obsession: probably the drarry server. i'm way too into reading everyone's unhinged and fantastic conversations and i want to marry every last person in there

Looking forward to: finishing my fic. and my podfic. and the art for Kam (that's 12 years late for her bday). and dinner--the making of--because then i'll be eating it & fuck i'm hungry

______________________

ok okay now ZERO presh

consider this just a big huggy squeeze if you don't wanna do this. but I'd love to read ya answers if you felt like sharing

@kamaela @its-the-allure @phoenixortheflame @pl0tty @kk1smet @faiell @fastbrother @itsphantasmagoria @winnhoe @cailynwrites @sweatersinthesummer @pato-roldnart @tripably @ree-dee-art @valushk4

im breaking the 10 rule i don't even care i wanna tag everyone ok, everyone. but it will take too long to tag my whole tumblr list so if you're reading this, THIS is your tag okay

yes YOU especially! i'm tagging you

[trashywritestrash]

I loved your singer-songwriterStark!reader "Brutal" and I've been obsessed with "bad idea right?" by Oliva Rodrigo and was wondering if you could do another singer-songwriterStark!reader but with that song? :))

hi!! im sorry it took me so long to get to this, i honestly didn’t know it was in my inbox. but when i saw this request i was thrown for a loop (not in a bad way!!)— i kinda hated that fic and i’ve been thinking about just taking it down, but this request made me feel better about it, so thank you 💗 sorry for the wait

bad idea right?

Pairing: Avengers x Singer-Songwriter!Stark!Reader (platonic/family)

Word Count: didn’t count yet

Warnings: swearing, implied sexual relations, 18+ cuz i said so, song lyrics, probably poorly written but don’t come at me pls, no editing. i’ll maybe come back to it in the morning

A/N: Based on the song “bad idea right?” by Olivia Rodrigo. Also, reader is 21+ and I am not naming who the “bad idea” ex is lmao

gif by redherren

“Okay, I think we’re ready for the next one,” Clint says, causing the others to nod. “Hit us with it!”

You laugh, pulling up your music app. “Okay, okay. Here we go…”

Knowing what the next track is, you’re not sure if they are ready for it. What you do know is that they’re going to ask lots of questions that you can’t answer. You can warn Steve though. “This one is another punk one.” He nods. Take a deep breath, hit play.

Haven’t heard from you in a couple of months

But I’m out right now, and I’m all fucked up

And you’re callin’ my phone, you’re all alone

And I’m sensin’ some undertones

The speed throws some of them off, it takes them a moment to catch up with the lyrics. Looks of realization cross their faces at different times… Steve and Bucky seem to be taking the longest. Your dad raises his hand, and you ignore it.

And I’m right here with all my friends

But you’re sendin’ me your new address

And I know we’re done, I know we’re through

But, God, when I look at you

Now you pause the music. Tony’s already staring at you. “Who is this about?”

“I can’t tell you that.” You try to hold back a smirk, but the looks on their faces are just too good. “I’m not about to risk his safety by outing him.”

Natasha speaks up next. “Do we know him?”

“I am not confirming or denying that.”

“Oh my God, that means we know him!” Wanda shouts, and you know she’s trying to recall every guy your age she’s ever seen you interact with.

You chuckle at them, shaking your head. “Okay, I’m hitting play now.”

My brain goes “Ah”

Can’t hear my thoughts (I cannot hear my thoughts)

Like blah-blah-blah

(blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah)

Should probably not

I should probably, probably not

I should probably, probably not

Finally, it looks like Steve and Bucky are starting to put things together.

Seeing you tonight, it’s a bad idea, right?

Seeing you tonight, it’s a bad idea, right?

Seeing you tonight, it’s a bad idea, right?

Seeing you tonight, fuck it, it’s fine

Yes, I know that he’s my ex, but can’t two people reconnect?

I only see him as a friend, the biggest lie I ever said

Oh, yes, I know that he’s my ex, but can’t two people reconnect?

I only see him as a friend, I just tripped and fell into his bed

You know you need to pause when Tony stands up. “Okay, now I need a name. If you don’t give me a name, I’m going to use FRIDAY.”

Clint just looks confused. “Wait, you have an ex? I didn’t know you ever dated anyone.”

“Did you think I’ve just been single my whole life?” You tilt your head a bit as you ask Clint, trying not to laugh at his comment.

“Honestly? Yes.” Natasha smacks his arm when he says that, giving you a knowing look. Wait, does she actually know who you wrote this about? Shit.

“Dad, don’t use FRIDAY please. I’ll tell you, but not right now. I’m still recording and I don’t want the whole internet to find out too.” He agrees and sits back down, but you can tell that he’s uncomfortable. You decide to put your foot down before any more music gets played.

“Okay, I love you guys, but you have to realize that I’m an adult. I’ve made decisions— not all of them were good, but they were my choices. I’ve been on dates, I have multiple exes. Some of those relationships ended on good terms, and other’s didn’t. I’m sorry you’re not happy learning about it this way, but I’m not sorry for living my life. If you seriously have a problem with it, we’ll stop here.”

You try to stay calm and assertive as you speak, but there’s a waver in your voice that everyone catches. Blood, sweat, and tears were put into these songs, and all you wanted to do was share them with the people important to you.

Sam sighs, being the first to respond. “We’re sorry, kid. It’s just… shit, we just feel guilty for not knowing and not helping you.”

“I didn’t need your help though.” You look at them all, eyes flicking from person to person. “Whenever something happened that I felt like I couldn’t handle on my own, I reached out. I got help from you guys when I needed it… But I dealt with a lot of stuff on my own, because I knew I could. I didn’t need everyone in the tower losing it over my first breakup, and I didn’t need anyone hunting down my ex for my last one. Now… are we continuing, or do you guys want to process these songs on your own?”

Everyone looks around. After a moment, your dad turns to you and nods, sitting back in his chair. Without saying anything else, you hit play.

The rest of the song goes well. Natasha, Wanda, and Pepper take in the meaning of the lyrics with more grace than the others do. Natasha even huffs out a laugh at:

I’m sure I’ve seen much hotter men

But I really can’t remember when

Once the outro finishes, you stop the music before the next song can begin. You hold your breath as you wait for comments.

“You can stop clutching your pearls now, Tony.” Pepper lightly swats him, bringing him out of whatever daze he was in.

Your dad turns to Pepper with his jaw dropped. “Wait— did you know?!”

Pepper just looks to you and laughs, causing you to grin too. “Of course I did. You know how a first breakup is; it’s hard and you feel like the world is ending. She begged me not to tell you, so I didn’t. After that, she was older and responsible enough to make her own decisions.” She smiles at you fondly.

Tony looks flabbergasted at the idea that she would ever keep something like this from him. Meanwhile, Natasha raises her hand. “I knew too. But not because she told me. I wasn’t supposed to know.”

Your eyes widen. “Please don’t name anyone.”

She laughs, but you can tell it’s not directed at you. It’s the betrayed faces that she finds hilarious. “Don’t worry, I can keep a secret.” Natasha winks, and you believe her.

“I can too. Sorry, I accidentally found out while training with my powers. I promise I didn’t tell anyone though.” Wanda looks to you, using her eyes to ask for forgiveness.

You smile at her. “It’s okay, I trust you.” Her face softens and she smiles back, clearly relieved to have that weight off of her shoulders.

Standing up, you turn off the camera that has been recording their reactions. “I think that was enough of this thing.” The others start to argue, but you hold up a hand. “Let’s be honest, this song was rough. It’s going to get worse, much worse… I don’t want a camera recording for that.”

“Maybe it’s not a bad idea for us to listen to the album on our own?” Steve pitches to the group. “Everyone processes things differently and in their own time. This way, we can be in our own spaces and can individually take however much time we need. Okay?”

You nod. “I agree with Steve. I’ll still be here for questions or you can call me to come talk to you. But I think it’ll be better this way.”

Reluctantly, everyone stands and finds a place they feel comfortable in so they can absorb your music at their pace. Your dad looks to you with sad eyes. “How much is this going to hurt me?”

“Take tissues to the lab with you.”

“Fuck.”

[cult-of-the-eye]

Goodbye, My Danish Sweetheart by Mitski as a jmart song:

"there's nobody better than you/it just took me a while til I knew"

Fuck it's so Jon talking to Martin. He sees Martin as a better person than him, both morally and literally in terms of humanity and it fits his whole S1 ew martin to S4 oh martin arc so well

"but you knew from the start it was us, didn't you/it just took me a while til I knew"

Yep yep yep that's Martin. He loved Jon from the start. Of course Jon's admitting that. And of course he's doing it in such a self deprecating way.

Read more cause this is long

"now I lay as I study a blank wall/would you spare me your voice if I call?"

Ok so we're in Martin's Peter Lukas era right now, Jon is fully pining he's completely checked out and dissociating and he needs Martin to ground him, to be his anchor and he's reaching out in a way that puts the focus on Martin's next move as opposed to him calling which is SO HIM

"Cause you waited and watered my heart 'til it grew/you just grew a little smarter, too"

Fuck he's like you treated me so well, you waited so long for me to like you back but then you realised it was futile and stopped, but obviously you would do that because you're an angel and blameless

"So, I don't blame you/If you want to bury me in your memory/I'm not the girl I ought to be, but/Maybe when you tell your friends/You can tell them what you saw in me/And not how I turned out to be"

Jon's love is just so self deprecating I feel like, he's so acts of service, he's like it's ok that you don't want me, I get it, I'm not loveable but at least I seemed loveable for you to have crushed on me for that long

And and cause Martin's separated from jon, the only thing he has left is his memory of him, the one that lives in his head

"There's some kind of burning inside me/It's kept me from falling apart"

Oh yeah this is so them like Jon's had this drive within him, this incessant need to keep going, to keep finding things out, to keep burrowing deeper into the problem and it's kept him alive cause it's kept him ambitious and it's kept him from being stagnant but it's also been destroying him from the inside cause he can't stop

"And I'm sure that you've seen what it's done to my heart/But it's kept me from falling apart"

But Martin sees this, Martin knows who Jon is and it's almost a plea to try and accept that what's driving him isn't a good thing

"Now here I lay as I wonder about you/would you just tell me what I'm meant to do?"

Jon's like how do I get Martin to come back, how do I get him to be near me, ive tried everything, just tell me and I'll do it

"Cause I've waited and watered my heart 'til it grew/you can see how it's blossomed for you"

Its like a look, you waited for me, now I'll wait for you, I'll take care of myself in your absence to show you how much I care about what you've done for me, I do love you, finally, thank you for waiting all this time

"And I don't mean to make your heart blue/But could we be what we're meant to be?/I'm just about to beg you, please"

God I'm so feral for this last bit

Jon's like I know me begging you to come back is hurting you but I'm finally giving into what you want, you need to come back so we can be together like we're meant to, he's at the end of his tether, he's pleading while threatening to plead

"And then, when you tell your friends/You can tell them what you saw in me/And not the way I used to be"

I'll be better for you, I promise vibes.

[thelostgirl21]

Okay... but I've just realised (thanks to this beautiful gifset) that, when Jaskier asked "What are you doing here?" to Geralt, the question was a very direct one, as if Jaskier already knew that Geralt's presence there was obviously no coincidence.

And, of course, the answer he got wasn't: "I went looking for you because I missed having you in my life, was worried about you, and heard you'd gotten yourself into trouble. So, I came here to rescue you and ask if, perhaps, you'd want us to go get some ale and talk about what happened..."

It was: "I need your help".

Because that's what Jaskier does: care about and help people. And Geralt came back into his life because he needed his help and expected Jaskier to still care enough to agree to help him.

Whereas the only personal request that Radovid ever made to Jaskier was for him to sing a song...

And he told Jaskier:

Yet, the very first thing that Radovid ever told Jaskier about himself was:

i.e. A song very much NOT about a white-haired Witcher.

Literally, the things Jaskier learned about him, in chronological order, are that:

- He's good at randomly catching lutes.

- Oh no, he's hot.

- He's long wanted to see Jaskier in person... what?!

- His favorite song is "Song of the Seven".

- Oh! Good! He's a fan!

- His name is Radovid...

- ...Comma, PRINCE?!?!?!

So, Jaskier knew that Radovid loved "Song of the Seven" the most even before he ever knew that he was talking to the crown prince of Redania named Radovid.

And what did that ridiculous spoon of a prince do?

Ask him to pick a song of his choice while gently trying to orient said choice towards a song that others would love to hear him sing.

It may be a small detail but, even in his private quarters, Radovid is already making choices for the benefit of all in attendance rather than allowing himself to be selfish by demanding from Jaskier the song that he would most wish to hear him sing.

And, after Jaskier surprises him by choosing to be emotionally open and vulnerable with him - singing something to him directly from his heart - Radovid shows gratefulness and appreciation by making the effort of learning his song and attempting to sing it back to him.

On top, of course, of lowering his own mask and allowing himself to be honest about his feelings, who he is, and agreeing to do what he can do to help Jaskier in his search for Rience.

Radovid is all about reciprocity, taking other people's needs into consideration, and not taking anything Jaskier is willing to offer him for granted.

And, after Jaskier was hurt by the mistake he made, he literally stopped expecting or believing that he was entitled to receive anything from Jaskier anymore.

So, when Jaskier asked Radovid the question "Why are you here?", it almost feels like a question directed at Radovid, but also at Destiny, or the gods in general, because, somehow, he went searching for his family... and Radovid was the first person that crossed his path.

Like "something" was trying to let Jaskier know that Radovid is now a part of that family, too, and he wasn't meant to get rid of him the way he did that morning.

He also discovered that Radovid told the truth about having given his royal security detail the slip before coming to see him and Ciri, as all the guards and servants that were assigned to him have been violently massacred in his absence...

And now, there he is... weeping alone in a corner, defenseless, surrounded by the corpses of the people that were supposed to keep him safe but can obviously no longer do anything to help him...

The crown prince of a Kingdom that the Nilfgaardian Empire has just declared war upon (and therefore, a prime target for capture to use as a negotiation tool with King Vizimir).

And what is Radovid, Comma Prince, concerned about the most?

Taking up too much of Jaskier's valuable time...

Like, for fuck's sake, Radovid!

All you did was answer Jaskier's question regarding what had happened here, you spoon!

You were offering Jaskier your time and knowledge. Not the other way around!

There's no need for you to apologize for freaking existing, and perhaps needing a bit of support given that the reason all of your guards are dead - and you're now stuck in such a vulnerable position - is that you ditched said guards the night before to keep Jaskier and Ciri safe from them!

If you'd done as you were expected to do, chances are that you would all have been on your way to Tretogor by now.

And, okay, granted, Jaskier and Ciri would probably have been glaring at you the whole way there, trying to escape, and hating you forever (which would've been a bad thing).

BUT, you and your whole royal security detail wouldn't have been at Aretuza during the coup; so I'm sure that, at least, they would have been happy to be, you know, not dead, and helping you get back home in one piece!

So, although you had no idea something bad would be happening to your guards if you just ran off on them, you still chose to put yourself at risk by wandering alone at night in the woods, and refusing to use force to convince Ciri and Jaskier to go with you.

It wasn't a perfect plan, but I think Jaskier is starting to get a better grasp of the type of pressure you were dealing with, and seeing how you might have made choices that seemed to be "the least bad option".

I know I've seen some comments essentially going "Jaskier is such a good person to consider still helping Radovid after he's betrayed him", and I'm not denying that.

But I like to personally think that part of what was going on in his brain, in that moment, was realizing the risks that Radovid had already taken to keep him and his family safe, and the mistake Jaskier himself had made earlier, at least.

Because, when it comes down to it, I've always felt like it was a bit unreasonable for Jaskier to have expected Radovid to 100% trust him with everything he knew, and completely let his own guards down around him, when Jaskier himself couldn't do the same with him.

Each time I watch the scene in the shed, I feel like Jaskier was testing Radovid's loyalties by letting him know that the magical barrier only lasted until dawn, while utterly ignoring what Radovid was actually trying to tell him.

Jaskier might have wanted to trust him, but he couldn't - not yet. So, how could he have expected Radovid to spontaneously share with him everything that worried him, too, or every detail of what he was planing to do in an attempt to fix things?

In a way, I can't help but feel like they are both way too smart and analytical for their own good during that scene.

Like, I know we keep saying that Radovid should have told Jaskier that he wanted to go see Ciri (and I don't exactly disagree), but the problem is that Radovid, up until that point, was operating on the belief that:

- Dijkstra and Philippa were planning to expose and execute Vilgefortz and his spies before Nilfgaard had any chance to know that they were onto them.

And had that messenger not been killed and intercepted, technically, they may very well have succeeded in that endeavor.

But Nilfgaard learned of Redania's plans and were able to turn the tables on them. Something that Radovid wouldn't have known.

So, if we go with the scenario of what was supposed to happen at Thanedd, had Ciri agreed to ally herself with Redania, then every vassal state / kingdom still loyal to Cintra would have joined the North against the Nilfgaardian Empire.

With that level of support, it would technically have been enough to crush any hope of Nilfgaard ever winning a battle against the Northern Kingdoms, and thus, averted a second war between these two superpowers from happening.

At least, for the time being.

From Radovid's P.OV., knowing what he knows, Ciri agreeing to come with them would have, indeed, made everything easier for, well - pretty much everyone, really!

From a personal standpoint, he would have completed the job his brother had given him, and would no longer have needed to keep dealing with Philippa or Dijkstra.

Jaskier would also have gotten what he wanted; i.e. Ciri at the head of the most powerful army on the Continent (by combining Redania's forces with Cintra's and every single smaller Kingdom loyal to them) and able to keep herself safe from her enemies.

And with these two problems out of the way, it would have been much easier for Jaskier and Radovid to be together.

But the thing is that - according to the intel that Radovid had access to by that point- the 2nd war would also have been avoided, and countless lives would have been saved.

And I don't think that it would have been too far fetched to believe that Radovid might have hoped that Ciri's arrival at the Redanian court might have shaken things up a bit there, too.

First, because she's the granddaughter of Queen Calanthe - a headstrong, fierce warrior queen whose authority was greatly respected by her subjects. So, if Ciri has inherited some of her temperament (though hopefully not her ideals), then she wouldn't have been so easy to control and manipulate.

Whereas, from what we've seen, King Vizimir was pretty much likely to go with other people's ideas as long as they were presented to him in a way where he felt like he was the one making the decisions, told that they would reflect well on him and his Kingdom, and that there would be no annoying complaints for him to deal with.

Second, because it's doubtful that she would have wanted to be parted from Geralt and Yennefer, either; and things would likely have been much safer at court with these two around.

And if Radovid's initial plan of just "knocking at the door" had worked, then Ciri would have been in the same room as Jaskier when he would have showed up there, and she could have been able to make the decision of at least hearing out what the prince had to say, or not.

The choice would have been up to her and, had she refused, then at least Radovid would have done all he could to attempt to prevent yet more bad things from happening.

But then, the he suddenly found himself in a situation where, if he wanted to talk to Ciri, not only did it have to wait until morning - since anyone trying to enter the cabin would be blown back by a powerful magical force field (let's all give a good round of applause to Jaskier, that thought stepping out of an incredibly strong protective barrier to go investigate a potential threat with nothing to protect himself but a lute was a better idea than remaining INSIDE the impenetrable protective force that would have held until dawn...) - but he would need to request permission from Jaskier first.

Except Jaskier's job is to look after Ciri and make decisions that are the best for HER until her parents return. Not make decisions that are the best to avoid a war between Nilfgaard and the North (among others)!

So imagine, for a moment, that Radovid had chosen to explain to Jaskier everything he already knew...

That he'd told him that the Redanian spymasters suspected that Vilgefortz was working with Nilfgaard, had spies working with him from within Aretuza, and that the second war was imminent.

Imagine that he'd explained to Jaskier that Ciri, and the amount of political power she represents, might be the only thing that could sufficiently tip the scale in the Northern Kingdoms' favor to prevent another war from happening.

Imagine that he'd told him that, while he'd ditched the small army (a.k.a. his "security detail") that had been meant to accompany him while he "went to see him for information as per Philippa's request" to prevent risking them attempting to take the princess by force, he still felt that he'd had to do what he could to convince her to come to Redania with them of her own free will.

That he couldn't, in good conscience, let the war happen, knowing he hadn't done something to at least try to prevent it.

Imagine he'd told Jaskier exactly what was actually at stake...

First, there's no guarantee that Jaskier would have believed him, and there's no way he could have proven to him that he was telling the truth, either.

Second, Jaskier might have felt like he was betraying Geralt and Yennefer's trust - should he have decided to allow the Prince of Redania to attempt to convince their daughter to ally with his nation to help stop a war from happening.

And third, in the event that Jaskier had refused Radovid's request to be given a chance to speak with Ciri, then Jaskier might have felt like he was responsible for having made the wrong call should a war indeed be declared upon the Northern Kingdoms, because the North lacked enough power, and support, to stay Nilfgaard's hand.

That's a whole lot of responsibilities to drop on Jaskier's shoulders, and a lot of lives to risk on the hope that Jaskier might believe he is telling the truth.

And Radovid does not know what Jaskier himself knows, either. So, he's unaware that Geralt does not want Ciri to become involved in politics, and be forced to take sides (at least, by that point).

The two of them are both operating on the limited amount of information they both have, and trying to make decisions that appear to be the best course of action for everyone involved.

And when Jaskier asked the question "And what do you want?" Radovid clearly hesitated, then came up with an answer that I believe was 100% honest, but clearly evaded the question.

And Jaskier never confronted him about it. He didn't insist that this wasn't what he asked him, nor attempt to get to the bottom of the situation.

I'm 99.9% sure that he did notice how Radovid avoided giving him a straight answer (yes, I know, there's nothing straight about either of them), though, because he immediately became suspicious and looked outside.

But, instead, he gave Radovid the information that the force field would stop working at dawn, later pretended to still be asleep when dawn came, and waited to see what Radovid would do with the information.

One of the most heartbreaking things, to me, however, is that Radovid's answer, when Jaskier gave him that information, was to tell him "I'm scared, Jaskier"...

And Jaskier didn't ask him why he was afraid...

He didn't attempt to investigate what scared him and if - by any chance - it could be scary enough that he might be tempted to do something stupid.

I'm not blaming Jaskier, by the way... Their situation was extremely complex, and Jaskier had his own fears and issues to deal with and manage as best he could.

Radovid is not the only one breaking my heart in that scene, because I think that Jaskier has such a hard time believing that someone could genuinely love him the way Radovid does, that he's unwittingly setting him up to go behind his back by avoiding to fully acknowledge and investigate Radovid's fears.

I think it's easier for Jaskier to believe that Radovid was just so smart that he knew exactly what to say to him, and what to do, to encourage him to lower his own barriers around him and start trusting him - just so he could try to take Ciri from them...

...than to believe that Radovid really would be able to see him and appreciate him just the way he is, and that the connection between them is real.

So yes, Radovid did technically "fail" Jaskier's test. But sadly, I think that Jaskier stopped truly listening to Radovid the moment he decided to test him.

If Jaskier had been brave enough to confront him about the evasiveness of his answer and the reasons why he was scared - if he'd shown Radovid that he genuinely cared about his safety and wanted to help him face those fears, and/or for them to find solutions to Radovid's problems together - Jaskier might have been able to prevent him from making that mistake in the first place.

But, instead, Jaskier came up with his own narrative that would confirm his own fears of never being enough for anyone; and sadly, I don't think that anything Radovid could have done or said, in that moment, would have changed his mind.

And poor Radovid internalized the hurt and heartbreak he saw reflected there as if he was the only one responsible for it.

So then, when Jaskier offers to help Radovid get back to safety, he's confused that he would even wish to help him after the way he managed to so profoundly wound and disappoint him earlier.

Radovid, you may not know this, but Jaskier once told his very best friend in the whole wide world "People do stupid things when they think they're trapped in a corner. And they say stupid things. That's what friends do. They come back."

And somehow, you "came back", because Destiny apparently decided to take pity on Jaskier's own issues and insecurities, and urge him to take a second, closer, deeper look.

And it's not even being subtle about it!

Like "Oi! PRINCE. TRAPPED. IN. A. LITERAL. CORNER. WITH. NOWHERE. SAFE. TO. GO. He told you he was scared earlier, and you didn't even ask him why! He didn't need someone to tell him he was brave, and then wait for him to do something stupid come morning, Jaskier! What he needed, was someone investigating what terrified him, and offering him support. Do you get it now? Prince. Corner. Scared. Trapped. Needing help, but not even able to believe he's entitled to it or not knowing how to ask for it! So fucking help him, for fuck's sake!"

And Jaskier needs to offer, because Radovid apparently keeps putting other people's needs first. So, chances probably are that Radovid won't ask unless he knows for sure it's okay and safe for him to ask anything of anyone whose job is not to tend to him.

Because, in his world, Radovid's main survival strategy seems to have been to constantly provide narcissistic supply to his brother's oversized ego (to be "adored" and protected by the King), by cheering him on from the sidelines, while drawing as little attention as he could to himself.

In Radovid's world, he doesn't matter: he's a spare, easy to cast aside and forget about. As long as the King's pleased with him, he's safe.

(Or he used to be, before the whole Hedwig incident.)

You shouldn't have to listen to him, because he's of no use to anyone and he doesn't matter.

He's no more than a pretty reflective surface for his brother to admire himself in whenever there's no other more interesting image of himself to gaze upon.

That's Radovid's job. Letting others hog the spotlight, coming in second, and stopping to exist whenever convenient.

And when Jaskier says that he can't go with him because he needs to find his family first, Radovid immediately offers to go risk his own life, and use whatever resources he can spare, to help Jaskier be reunited with the people he loves most like it's the most natural thing in the world for a prince to do!

No wonder Jaskier couldn't figure him out... He's used to people just spontaneously dumping all of their issues on him while expecting him to do or say something about it.

While Radovid is going "you don't have to listen to me or care about my issues, but maybe I could do something to help you with yours?"

All the while being the one that would likely benefit the most from having someone genuinely listening to and helping him.

Jaskier: What are you doing here?

Geralt: I need your help.

Jaskier: *Sighs* Figures...

Jaskier: Why are you here?

Radovid: Came looking for my guards, didn't go well, now there's a war and I'm hiding in a corner... Story of my life that I don't want to bore you with... But hey! Maybe I could help you go find and rescue your family instead?

Jaskier: !!!???