#and still stay in a relationship with Tim. but itd be really hard and a LOT of work

[squarebracketsmileyface]

A Pearl by Mitski is kinda post Jaylex into Jam territory if you think about it.

Hello? Mind reader?? You are so correct???

This is even better mind reading because of what I was writing like right before I remembered i had this ask and wanted to answer it and shit. Like???? This is very much post Jaylex and into Jam, BUT it is also post Jaylex the first time they "broke up" oh my god.

Hang on, I'll explain it with the lyrics lol

Lyric analysis time because for some reason this is like my favourite thing to do when I wanna think about sorry its locked but can't actually write it for whatever reason.

You're growing tired of me You love me so hard and I still can't sleep You're growing tired of me And all the things I don't talk about

SO ABOUT THAT POST JAYLEX'S FIRST 'BREAK UP' ehehhehehehehehheheh. Right, so, after Alex started dating Amy in college, Jay did (eventually) start trying to, like, date and have sex with other people. He never really managed to date anyone, it was always just not-quite-actually-casual casual sex. And they always ended up getting tired of Jay, because they were trying their best and he was hung up on Alex still (and would be for the next rest-of-his-life) And Jay never actually talked to them about why he was the way he way, just learned to warn them ahead of time to try and scare them away so that he wouldn't end up getting hurt when they inevitably got too upset with him over something and broke it off with him.

And, obviously. Yeah, Jam. Jay's so worried that the same thing that happened with Alex and all the other people is gonna happen with Tim, and if it did it'd probably break him even worse than Alex did, honestly. Purely because the stuff with Tim would stack on top of the stuff with Alex and they'd become one thing and Jay would just not know how to deal with that literally at all.

Sorry, I don't want your touch It's not that I don't want you Sorry, I can't take your touch

Pre first Jaylex break up. Yeah. One of the reasons Jay got broken up with by at least one person was that they were meant to behaving casual sex, and Jay went through a period of time where he just, really really couldn't. Which like, fair, and fair i guess for the person being like, yeah i'll go find someone else to have sex with. but also they did it in a nasty way so never mind, fuck them lmao. (I just love putting Jay through shit lmao, I'm so sorry to that poor guy, I need to write a lil fluffy oneshot of him and Tim just being okay)

It's just that I fell in love with a war Nobody told me it ended And it left a pearl in my head And I roll it around every night Just to watch it glow Every night, baby, that's where I go

Ow. Just. Ow.

Cos, yeah, Jay did. He really, really did fall in love with a war didn't he? That whole relationship with Alex was just this constant series of battles with himself and his feelings for Alex, and battles with Alex himself because of how he treated Jay and how Jay wanted to be treated. And his brain can't fully comprehend that Tim's not going to just be the exact same as everyone else, the exact same as Alex. And the thing is that Tim IS going to be different, but they're not going to have enough time for Jay's head to actually wrap itself around that so that he can believe it.

And obviously, they never could get enough time, because of all the shit with the operator, but Tim at least is holding out hope that they'll both survive is and they'll get the time afterwards.

Sorry, I don't want your touch It's not that I don't want you Sorry, I can't take your touch

Jay's so scared that having issues with intimacy is gonna fuck up his chances with Tim, but it wont. Logically he knows it wont (and I refuse to make them angsty enough that Jay wouldn't bother to say no if he didn't wanna do something) but there is still this little part of his head that says that if he goes too long not wanting to have sex, it'll somehow fuck something up.

There's a hole that you fill You fill, you fill

Also I fully intend for Jay to be very unhealthy about Tim :] Just like he was very unhealthy about Alex (especially back in college)

Poor guy's gonna fucking idolize Tim once he realizes Tim really really actually likes him. Which, y'know. Not good. Thankfully Jay's lil eventual obsession or whatever it is (idk, a hyperfixation on a person? that's what I called it. Basically, pretty much every waking thought Jay has is somehow about Tim/reminds him of Tim, if Tim is even slightly in a bad mood Jay assumes it's because of him and gets viciously terrified that Tim's going to leave him and hate him forever, he'd accept any kind of 'penance' or punishment from Tim for whatever he did wrong, if anything bad happens to Tim Jay get's violently enraged and wants to 'fix it' the quickest way possible, etc. He basically feels like Tim is perfect and he can't live without him. idk if that makes sense? I'm tired and never figured out what the fuck this thingy is, but i'm giving it to Jay)

Tim is Jay's missing piece, and Jay's going to hack at his own edges to make sure that Tim fits him, just like he did back in college to try and make Alex fit him.

He's just made up of pieces of himself and other people that he sawed off and cobbled together to make sure that the person he was in love with would perfectly 'complete' and 'fix' him.

But it's just that I fell in love with a war And nobody told me it ended And it left a pearl in my head And I roll it around every night Just to watch it glow Every night, baby, that's where I go Just to watch it glow

goddamnit now i wanna plan a fic to dive into Tim and Jay's relationship after sorry its locked and before Jay dies, just so I can make Jay not okay and Tim not okay, but their brand of not okay works well enough for the short amount of time they have together. If Jay lived they'd have the worlds messiest break up oh my god lmao.

why do i torture them like this?

[survivorkomnata]

Episode #3: "I’m probably the biggest threat rn because I’m gay" - Isaac

My tribe seems to hate me so that’s amazing. I understand the sentiment behind it or lack thereof. Whatever though it just seems counterproductive to blast me like that when I, and the other tribe who chooses who goes to exile, can see it.

Welp, we lost again, but last night I ended up getting rid of Shea who could have been a threat to my game and proved to be very strategic so good riddance. Right now Imm in an alliance with Fede, Stephen, Luke and Jake. And we will have to either decided to eliminate TJ or Alyssa and tbh i’m leaning more towards Alyssa but idrc tbh.

We won the challenge!!!!! Woot woot. Me and Jess have made it to 61 on the idol search! We're gettin close kids! We also strategically chose to send ratboy back to the basement!! He may find some advantage there but at least that makes tribal more difficult for everyone else!

we won immunity ✨ im so excited because tribals are stressful and now im not sure what would happen if we did attend. i feel pretty safe with the connections ive made as of this point buttttt as always, you never know.

i think there may be a swap tomorrow. it said a live challenge and all but im not rlly sure... maybe both??? swap at 14 seems reasonable too but i feel like itd be too long. but yawls could do that and then merge at 11 or smthing. either or, if we do, i hope im not swapfucked LOL.

also fuck the idol system. its so hard 4 me likeeee i always only last two steps before BZZT’ing. 😔

And so starts another round of "how the hell do I keep my name out of people's mouths?" Right now, I think the obvious vote would be to do Miguel, but there's still a lot of question in that. So do I want to make that move and be the driving force behind it, or should I play more conservative to guarantee what just happened to Shea doesn't happen to me.

Dear Confessional, I am writing to you today to confess my sins.

I really want Daniel GONE. I thought he would be someone on my side since he's the only person aside from Tim I knew prior to this game. However, he's super underwhelming. He's busy so I understand but the effort just ISN'T there. I've been trying to build some sort of connection based on our prior relationship and it's just stale. Tim expressed that he had some interests in targeting him to if we lose so I hope that time comes because HOMEBOY HAS GOTS TO GO. Him and TJ WILL work together and that won't be good for me. TJ ain't no bitch. He's gonna target me as soon as he can because of Guyana.

Speaking of Guyana.. Tim! I love Tim. I'm really enjoying getting to know Tim but he's acting so paranoid lately. Today he asked me ONCE AGAIN not to share our idol search.. Why would I do that? 1. It decreases MY CHANCES at an idol. 2. I don't have anyone on this tribe I like enough to help find an idol with BUT TIM. I know he has his doubts about me and that's ONLY normal but I hope those doubts sink like the Titanic SOON.

Tim and I are getting CLOSE in that idol search. We are half-way there. I know he's going to try and make sure I go before him in these searches to see how far I've gotten. It's going to be a mess whenever one of us gets close to the idol. I'm kind of regretting agreeing to idol search with him because that idol isn't going to JUST BE my idol and I'm a greedy bitch.

Do I think a swap will happen? Probably. I can see it happening if our tribe wins one again. Am I prepared for it? NOT AT ALL. I kind my new tribe. My new tribe makes me feel safe. I am safe when I am away from TJ and Alyssa.

So I just found the hidden immunity idol and I’m like ????? SHOOK???? Like in the game right now I’m probably the biggest threat rn because I’m gay but ALSO because I’ve been to the basement the most. Tbh Blame my fucking idiot tribe. They legitimately blasted my ass in a public place where the other tribe could see? Like OF COURSE they’re going to send me back after that. I can’t let anyone know that I have the idol. Some secrets just have to be taken to the grave. I can feel my game slowly starting to turn around, hopefully I can persevere and give the underdog story I’m meant to give 😔✌🏻 I’m literally sobbing because my tribe just HATED me and now I have another form of safety besides Takagi.

I am sooo confused rn about what being loyal actually is. I am not the kind of player who pits people against each other but rather the one who tries to keep his allies together to make progress in the game. I am only as strong as my allies so I do require solid,smart allies to enhance my game. I do believe I have found such allies in Zach, Stephen and Ally but the only problem is even though we have an alliance together there seems to be some mistrust and we are not working as a group. Ally wasnt interested on working with Zach for the idol and now Stephen and I exchanged notes to figure out that Ally has been working with both of us for the idol hunt. Stephen also came up with a plan which makes us stay one step ahead of Ally in the hunt and I am going with it so that I could build some trust with Stephen. I would have rather preferred us to be open and just worked together on the hunt as a group.

I am torn on how to handle things coz there is no other option but to lie / hide things from one person so that I could be loyal to another. I would like to be loyal all the 3 equally as of now but unfortunately thats not even an option. I do consider Zach as my #1 now but it sucks that I have to keep things away from him. I just hope I could somehow come out of this unscathed.

This seems to perfectly fit the Escape room theme of this game as you have lot of choices to decide from but you will never know which is the right path until you reach the destiny.

It’s a tough round for me, being limited during a challenge and potentially another isn’t good for me but I’m pushing through. I still have my alliance to fall back on and I’m hoping no scheming is going on behind my back but idk I’m getting some sketchy feelings from my tribe, this tribal should be interesting and show some true colors. Hopefully I can make it through to the next round and show my tribe that I will be there when they need me.

This is such a hard week for me after the drama of last round. Goddd I said I wanted to lay low and be drawback, but when people are so laid back it's really hard!! This might be my last confessional. I've decided against creating more chaos. I'm laying low and hoping that the alliance doesn't betray me. Some people are being quiet, some others are being VERY quiet. It's scary. If I leave, am I leaving this game with the head high, satisfied with my game? No. I should have played differently, I should have sticked with the plan. I shouldn't have bitten the bait so easily. Am I doing the right thing by lying low after last tribal? Probably not. We'll see. There are still many hours left…

My mental state is finally more stable and I'm less worried about school taking up my time, yay!

I think going forward I want an All-Canadian alliance, cause I love those people the most. That being said, I'm not gonna be the one to divide lines...at least not until whoever else voted me goes home!

So FUCK playing a quiet game. Usually my MO beginning games is to stay as quiet as possible but uhhhhhhhh it's not looking like the social plane of this game is going to allow that. With Shea popping the FUCK off last round, everyone on my tribe has been suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper fucking quiet about this vote. Like.... absolutely silent. Which is like???? Cute and all????? But it's literally 6 hours before tribal and we have 0 names out there for elimination. UNLESS of course mine is somehow being thrown around??? But I doubt it because me + TJ = Duo and I have heard TJ is a VERY loyal ally. We've done nothing around camp to indicate that we're close so I wouldn't be surprised if they went to him with a plan to get me out. And I also have faith that if TJ knew of a potential plan to get me out, he would tell me. We just need a jump on a name at this point. So insert MYSELF. We have 5 people on this tribe and TJ is 100% on my side. I feel safe with Stephen and Jake, and that's majority for me. So I'm literally gonna be like that pots and pans lady like "I AIN'T GET NO SLEEP CUZ OF Y'ALL, Y'ALL AIN'T GONNA GET NO SLEEP CUZ OF ME" and be loud as F U C K about who I want out and where I want this game going. Like tbh.... I'm not even 100% on the name I'm throwing around? We just need SOMETHING that isn't me or TJ. And the bottom of the list on our tribe for me is Miguel sooooooooo ya know here I go. TJ is 100% on board, Jake seems like he is, and Fed is giving some push back. I think ultimately Stephen will do whatever TJ and I ask and if jake is on board, we don't need fed anyway. Let's just hope no one's lying to me and I don't get turned on for TALKING....

also can we talk about how i'm the only woman on this tribe? And also the only one DOING ANYTHING. Girl power, amirite?

These past few days I've tried to lay the ground work to get this idol somewhere in my grasps. I figured out that Karth and Ally were searching for the idol together while I was also searching with both of them, and came up with a plan with Karth to tell a itty-bitty lie to Ally in order to make sure one of us gets the idol. I'd really like to find the idol myself since a swap could separate me from Karth, Ally and Zach which I do NOTTTTTT want right now. Ever since I started searching for the idol with Ally, I've become a little less worried about her/Zach/Jess potentially being a tight group, since she doesn't seem to be cooperating with them to find the idol.

Strategically, I don't really know where Tim/Liam/Daniel stand. I wanted to make an alliance with them a few days ago, but I don't feel like I really need to anymore, and they don't seem all that interested in getting super in-depth strategically in the way I want from my allies. I think if we lose, Liam or Daniel will be voted out for being inactive similarly to how Timmy was. Tim and Jess have at least been active socially and I think down the line I could work with them more closely. Liam and Daniel either feel really comfortable not getting strategic with me right now, or they don't care. Either way kinda makes them look sketchy to me. Daniel especially since he was in the minority at the first vote.

OK HMMMMM ignore my previous confessional... Either this people are amazing liars, I'm incredibly blind, or they really believe I'm not snaky.... what door would it be? Cause now they started throwing names, and they seem interested in having me voting with them........ Okayyy I can work with this. Now the question is... Do I lie like last week and continue with my pizza hut character (ty Shea for the inspiration) or do I become a good boy? Hmmm

Once again Alyssas the target, it sucks because she’s awesome but i get a “good player” vibe from her and that worries me. Alternatively I can pull Alyssa, TJ and someone from the Abscondants and vote out someone else.... or maybe I should just play it safe.

We won another challenge woooo. I feel bad I wasn’t able to help, but I have just been unexpectedly busy lately. I’m still trying to keep in touch and connections with most of my tribe so when we do lose I’ll be safe. But really there isn’t much to say when we win and all get along!

So today I decided to LIE to Tim about how far I got into the idol search. I just need to keep at LEAST one search ahead of him to secure this idol. HOWEVER, pretty sure there's going to be a swap either this round or next round and alll my beautiful progress will be LOST. I feel bad about lying but I can't SHARE the idol. This is a risky move because it could possibly ruin shit with TIM so I'm scared shitless..

Also? I have an alliance now? Of: Me/ Tim/ Stephen/ Karthik? oh? I'm down with that but I don't trust Stephen not to spill to others. But when offered an alliance you CAN'T say no? right? it's NOT POLITE.

Ok so first here is my video confessional. I said 13 people left when I meant 15 but meh it will be ok.

https://youtu.be/8xbwx-pruN0

Ok so MAJOR TEA INCOMING. I just pulled a powermove by approaching Stephen about forming an alliance. He suggested it be a group and I suggested Karthik and Jess, my two closest allies as of now. ITS LIT. We're just waiting on Karthik to wake up before we make the group. We love a powerplay making King called Tim. I just hope this doesn't backfire.

thank FUCK shea got voted out... now i can go back to forgetting his unfortunate existence on the same planet as me. i wish i knew the tea from last tribal tho. obviously he’s a messy POS and based off tribal answers he came for my fave argentinian fede so... glad he went

here’s some thoughts about my Quest To Find the Idol sorry it’s a screenshot i can’t copy paste on mobile https://imgur.com/a/T9UccpS

as for my relationships with the tribe,,, i rlly love karth. he’s an angel. i like stephen but i don’t trust him. zach and jess r skinny legends. i had a nice chat with tim yesterday and he’s super funny!! the only person i don’t rlly talk to is daniel, so if we go to tribal before swap he’s who i’d want out for sure.

i’m kinda nervous about a swap but also hopeful. i feel like i have good relationships on my tribe and i also feel like i’d be open to making some w the other tribe too.

i’m gonna be high as hell for this 24h challenge so pray 4 me

20 minutes till tribal? Definitely enough time to flip on my alliance and change the vote. Yeah, its fine. its fine. definitely. So alyssa and tj had a dnm with me each, and now i feel like out of the tribe its better to vote out Fed, and jake may be the 4th vote we need.

Federico is voted out 4-3.