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trappedinafantasy37 · 5 months ago

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Minthara reading everyone to filth upon recruitment is funny, but it also highlights just how paranoid she is. Realistically, it probably takes her a few days to figure everyone out rather than the instant she is recruited. When talking about all the companions, a common theme in all her responses relates to their combat capabilities and survivability, and points out their strengths and their weaknesses. She's not throwing shade or stirring the tea. Minthara is conducting a threat assessment. Minthara having very realistic and accurate readings of everyone is a trauma response, because she needs to know who they are and very quickly.

She is trying to figure out who is the most likely to kill her and why they would kill her. But also how they would go about it and is weighing her odds against them. She has to know their weaknesses in case she needs to exploit them, and she has to know their strengths so she can defend against them. And Minthara doesn't just consider their combat capabilities, but their psyche as well, using it as a factor to determine the likelihood of them ever coming after her specifically and how she can disarm them psychologically if need be. But you know who she doesn't provide her assessment for? You.

You are a conundrum. The moment you saved her, she has been curious of you, but wary. Although grateful you saved her, she doesn't understand why you saved her when she believes you had far more reason to either kill her or leave her behind. She wants to trust you, but her trust has always gotten her stabbed. She wants to have faith that her savior won't turn against her, but she has no reason to believe you won't. She spends the entirety of Act 2, watching you, analyzing you, trying to figure you out because she doesn't know what to do with you. She asks you some questions because she is still trying to figure out what motivates you. "Why come to Moonrise? Why raid the grove? Why knock me out?" In two of these questions, she is determining how likely you are to harbor any violent intent. And one of these questions is born of your history of bringing her harm. (Oh the irony of Minthara trusting you less if you knocked her out)

You're a potential enemy whose weakness she doesn't want to exploit, a potential enemy she doesn't want to have to defend herself against. And all this time she spends watching you, she finds things about you that she likes. Really likes. And while conducting her assessment of you, she falls in love with you, and it terrifies her because she still does not know if she is safe with you. So she asks you to share your mind and just tell her if you're safe and can be trusted. She doesn't want to guess anymore, and she doesn't want to come to a potential conclusion she doesn't like. She doesn't want to do the analysis, she doesn't want to be paranoid, she wants to trust you and feel safe with you. She needs to know that you are a safe person for her to love.

#bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #minthara #minthara baenre #evil murder kitten #i know a lot of this is headcanon and i base a lot of it on her being unresponsive in act 2 #i like to think it is because she is still trying to figure you out more than anything #and she becomes pretty vocal in act 3 because she has figured you out and knows what you are about #and the only time she really talks about you is if you are durge #but she is not the one who starts that conversation - it is you #even in that conversation - the first thing she asks is why you're telling her #and you can tell her that you trust her - but she immediately places even more distance between you and her #and she expresses doubts on if she can trust you because you just admitted to the urges #and she knows better than the rest that you are serious and she has to consider you a threat even though she doesnt want to #and in the scene where durge gets tied up - she doesn't even ask you what happened nor gives you a chance to speak #she immediately threatens you - telling you that if you ever think of harming her - she'll gut you. End of conversation #because you needing to be tied up so that you don't murder a companion is all the assessment of you she needs

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zackieboyo · 10 months ago

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o shit my hand slipped and i accidentally screenshotted and uploaded proof that Edd Gould did not see the characters as anything but fictional and didn't view himself as the Edd character just as everyone else on the team didn't view themselves as their fictional characters oopsiee!!

context: if you have trouble reading tone, he's clearly being sarcastic here, and poking fun at the assholes ripping the kid who posted this(admittedly funny, but harmless) "emo edd" vid, 16 years ago in 2008 when Edd Gould would have been 19 years old, just bc they saw Gould as his character which Gould clearly did not agree with, as shown here. So if you're ever getting told by people you're "disrespecting his legacy" by making poc headcanons or making the men kiss each other, just know those people clearly don't care abt what Gould actually thought :)

#tho should mention he did state in response to a tumblr ask in 2012 that he disliked shipping #but only between male characters because he just didn't like that it was gay(yes really the post is very easy to find in his tumblr archive #but even then he admitted he understood it was gonna happen bc eddsworld is mostly male characters so he didn't really care THAT much #and eh what can ya hope for in a early 2000s cishet white dude anyway #eddsworld

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yunmeng-jiang · 7 months ago

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every day i wish there had been a better solution for the qin su marriage problem.

in my fix-it fics i either have some other sect leader claim that he was actually madly in love with her this whole time and sweep her away for jgy's sake, have her mom confess earlier, make jgy decide to tell her for her own good and have them work together, or not give them a chance to meet and fall in love in the first place (i guess i could also make qin su have a miscarriage, but that's really sad and awful and not my preferred option at all), but all of those require tweaks to the circumstances, sometimes early on so they don't meet or jgy feels safe enough to talk with her or another confidant, or sometimes later like madam qin finding out they're pregnant before the marriage prep is too far along and telling one or both of them right away so they can make other arrangements.

with the situation being what it was, jgy didn't find out soon enough to do anything that wouldn't involve either marrying her anyway (and he didn't think telling her about it would do anything except make her upset and depressed) or leaving her essentially a ruined woman with no prospects and an illegitimate child who would inevitably grow up fatherless, which is pretty much exactly what his dad did to meng shi. this would be a crueler option than pretty much anything else, and given that he clearly still cares about her, he couldn't do that in good conscience. jgy tries his best to protect the people he loves, unless there is literally no other way for him to survive.

it's one more example of jgy being faced with a situation where the only choices are bad ones, and making the decision that he thinks will hurt the fewest number of people. metatextually, it's one more example of women in fiction being shoved aside and not given agency in their own lives, and getting killed off instead of surviving and growing as people like the male characters are allowed to do. it's just a tragic situation all around and i wish there had been something they could have done.

#the untamed #mdzs #mo dao zu shi #cql #chen qing ling #grandmaster of demonic cultivation #jin guangyao #qin su #mxtx #mo xiang tong xiu #yunmeng bee posts #this encapsulates the tragedy of jgy's life in a lot of ways imo #there's also the aspect of jin rusong - jgy believes there's a chance of him being born disabled in a way that would suggest incest #which would spell disaster for not only him‚ but also qin su and rusong himself #the few academic articles i was able to access (aka not behind a paywall) suggest that the penalty for incest in ancient china +#+ was public execution of both parties! jgy emphatically does not want that to happen to either himself or qin su!#now i don't know how likely it would be for jrs to have some kind of condition that would make people suspicious #(i've done some research on it bc i was curious‚ but it was either vague‚ behind a paywall‚ or too technical for me to understand haha)#but jgy is (justifiably!!) paranoid. people are already gossiping and speculating about him - this would ruin him‚ his wife‚ his child‚#and possibly his friends too #whether you believe he killed his son or not‚ you have to admit that letting qs carry him to term was an incredibly risky decision #and i think it was because he loved her. he wanted her to have the child she wanted.#if she couldn't have a husband who couldn't be around her without fear & distress‚ she would at least have her son. he wanted that for her.#it would have been so easy for him to slip her an abortifacient‚ or to smother the baby while he slept or give him poison #and blame it on the kid being fragile/the high death rate in children. i don't think they knew what sids was but sometimes babies just die #because he didn't kill rusong in utero or when he was a newborn‚ i find it unlikely that he arranged rusong's death years later #but everyone can have their own opinion on that i guess #again... if jgy was as awful as people seem to believe he is‚ he'd have just murdered his way out easily and survived the book!#his love is his downfall!!!

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vaguely-concerned · 5 months ago

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this screen, this companion combination, with davrin having this shield equipped, cracks me up so hard every time I see it. davrin really is stepping up and keeping hard eye contact with rye like 'hey. hey loverboy. we need your attention elsewhere right now. eyes off the insufferable killer for hire abomination for five minutes please we're on the clock chop chop'

#I think towards the end of the game we could get to a place where davrin notices rye looking slightly pained and is like 'hey #everything alright man? you good?' and rye leaning his forehead against davrin's strong safe steady shoulder #to thinly admit 'he's so handsome I feel a little dizzy sometimes when I look at him'#(the mortifying ordeal of allowing yourself to be known. as the embarrassing simp that you are. rye has come so far I am so proud of him)#and davrin is like 'sincerely I have never been more sorry in my life to have asked' but also pats rye's back soothingly #because rye is like a very annoying brother to him and davrin SUPPOSES he can't help having abysmal taste in men #the delight that is my favourite boys squad. the disaster energy off the charts and only making each other worse #I always have lucanis on the right side of the screen when I get to choose companion order. and some of davrin's shields are very large #so this keeps happening and it's one of the best probably unintended things that makes my day brighter #dragon age #dragon age: the veilguard #dragon age: the veilguard spoilers #dragon age spoilers #davrin #lucanis dellamorte #oc: Ellaryen Ingellvar #rook x lucanis #rookanis

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ckret2 · 6 months ago

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I have a Goldie Playlist and a few are really good fits, I had to delete a couple that were a little too broadly applicable to gf in general, but I will NOT let go of "bad idea right?" Bu Olivia Rodrigo because I need it to vibe tune to my goldford smut!! I keep wanting to send the Playlist but it's short and I feel like I'm gonna find more perfect songs. Also I wanna use some for suprise animation when I have time..

My fic-writing playlist is meticulously organized by character & theme but i've got an entire section of the playlist that's just "yeah this song doesn't have anything to do with anything, i'm just keeping it in because I need the vibes to fuel my writing.

#(please never call it goldford though 😭)#(that makes it sound like my Bill is such a totally different character from canon Bill that even ship names with him need to be different)#(I reluctantly admit that sometimes calling Bill 'Goldie' can help differentiate when an asker is talking to me about canon vs my fic)#(but even that's uncomfortable as hell. like no one calls the other characters by different names to separate my fic from canon.)#(nobody's saying 'Goldilocks Mabel' to separate her from canon Mabel or anything. it only happens with Bill.)#('Goldie' is like the reverse of a deadname:)#(yeah I came up with the name—OUT OF *NECESSITY* BECAUSE THE CHARACTERS CAN'T CALL BILL 'BILL' IN PUBLIC—)#(but every time a reader calls him that instead of his original REAL name it makes my entire soul cringe.)#(you'll notice i never ever ever call Bill 'Goldie' outside of the fic! There's a reason for that! And it's that his name ISN'T 'Goldie'!)#marsupials of mars #ask #bill goldilocks cipher

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iamfuckingsorry · 8 months ago

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"Do you know where we are going next?" I asked ART.

Y'know what, I think maybe I don't need any more Murderbot books. I think maybe ending things here is fucking perfect and as much as I love Wells's writing I'm genuinely not sure it can get better for me.

Like, so much of the books are about MB learning how to be a person, about becoming okay with being a complete individual with everything it entails. The first thing it does once it's actually allowed to decide on its own is it runs away from it all (admittedly to go on a mission to confirm some things about its past, because it genuinely just wants to be *good*). It shoves all its emotions away as much as it's able to. Then shit happens, and it makes its first friends, makes decisions based on these friendships, goes through a lot of emotionally intense situations...

And we get to this point here. MB having zero doubts about going with ART says a lot about its relationship with ART, but it also says a lot about its relationship with its humans - it knows that wherever it goes, when it comes back, the humans will still be there. Its humans actively acknowledge its struggles with being a now-free SecUnit and MB is willing to entertain the discussions to an extent and share information about its deeply personal experiences. Hell, System Collapse ends with MB admitting it might be somewhat broken, but that's okay as long as it can keep doing its job, and agreeing to basically do counselling - this is the guy what would rewatch its favourite TV show again and again in order to avoid acknowledging it even had Emotions a couple books back.

Reading this, I know that MB will be okay. It has hopes and goals and genuinely believes in itself and it has an amazing support system that its willing to lean on for the first time in its life. I'm convinced it'll go on to do great things with ART. And that's really the only thing I need to know.

#Murderbot #murderbot diaries #tmbd #system collapse #Herr's personal tag #Also like. System collapse dives deep into MB's feelings about its life as secunit prior to the events of all systems red #I find this conversation from when they were discussing what would happen if the BE folks got to the colonists first /very/ telling #MB going on about how life as a corporate slave is absolute fucking hell #ART drone saying that they can't just kill people because the alternative is worse than death #ART: would it have been kinder to kill you before you'd disabled your governor module?#MB with zero fucking hesitation: /yes/#(followed by my favourite ART line ever. “You know I am not kind.”)#Like. MB would not have always admitted that it had hated its life as a secunit this openly #Saying it was shit is one thing saying I would rather be dead than think of me or anyone else going through this again is a very different #And here it has zero issues stating that. At least when talking to ART #And then later on it goes on to offer its actual memories for a publicly screened documentary #Because it knows it's the only way to make people see. The only way to save then from the same (ish) fate #And it's willing to do whatever it takes to save these people it's never even met before from what it views as fate worse than death #Including opening up and acknowledging its past experiences and past/current feelings #And I'm just like. Man I couldn't be more proud of you if I tried.#You go MB. Holy fuck I wish I could do what you've done. You might just be the person to defeat this evil capitalism my dude

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quartzitess · 2 months ago

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Repost.

Lots of text and ramble in tags.

(Sadly tags are not enough to express how I feel on this. So I'll try and maybe add more in a reblog tomorrow.)

#osc #object shows #tpot #twonut #tpot two #bfdi donut #Q-z art #couldn't find my old post of this my guess is cause i deleted it.#the distance of this drawing and what i draw now almost shows a huge shift in interest #and what kind of dynamics im inlove with now #this work still holds alot of value in my heart. because it reminds me of simpler times #admittedly i was alot happier than i am as of now #that damn pudding was my magnum opus #though im definitely the inventor and i feel no.1 fan of rootyshine (no competition ofc). it almost shows to any ogs who've followed my twt #- or tumblr. kinda got to see how much i grew as an artist. and how I'll continue to grow. even now im still learning #twonut was my start in loving rarepairs. and rootyshine is as if right now. my very favorite. my no.1 pick even #fun fact i used to switch around with hc two as tsmasc or tsfemme. really i was never consistent #theyre dynamic to me was something along the lines of. “god x some guy” kinda thing #it was funny. it was simple. and it was everything i could've ever needed at the time #quite alot. as seen in the pilot. she also seems like someone who can get very emotional in a sense. not in a way where she only cries #but generally shes very strong when it comes to expressing how she feels. and despite being someone who people rely on alot. aswell as #deeply look up to. shes flawed in how she carries herself #and that speaks to me alot. its what made me fall inlove with her character. even if it isnt something thats expressed in the pilot all much #as for shiny shes someone who almost parallels rooty in a way. shes also someone who holds herself to a high expectation.#almost to a point where she can feel diminished when she cant control how well she does. and can also be emotional with how she carries -#- herself. though she seems like someone who has a harder time really expressing it. shes has more restraint than rooty i feel #but that restraint comes with a consequence. she feels like someone. (even if the pilot showed she was just under pressure) -#that can have trouble when it comes to actually expressing certain emotions (maybe when it comes to apologizing or admitting her faults)#and with that. its one example of how they clash. and i could go on and on.#*first text i went one was about rooty. dunno what happened the part that specified it was abt might've gotten deleted. idk.

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skyekitsuneart · 3 months ago

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What should have happened when Loki reunited with Billy and Teddy in Loki The Liar

Teddy: So yeah, basically we're married and ruling space together now :D what have u been up too?

Loki: Oh not much,,,, worked as a spy for Asgardia,,,, fought with Thor again,,,, got betrayed by Asgardia,,,, died and was reborn again,,,, watched the multiverse collapse,,, i saw America briefly!!,,,,, became ruler of the Jotunhiem,,,,,, so you know, the usual

Billy, local reality warper: What do you mean the multiverse collap---

Loki: Oh! And i fucked your mom

Teddy:

Billy:

Billy: What. Please tell me youre lying again.

Loki: Damn you got me!!

Billy: Thank god

Loki: Yeah no, we didnt actually fuck, but we were really close. Wanda rejected me at the last second,,, :(

Billy: wha-???!!? you-?!!!? she-?!!??

Billy:

Billy: You have 10 seconds to run.

Loki: hehe

Teddy: D:

#still catching up with stuff that has happened since agent of asgard so sorry if any of this is incorrect!!#but like seriously #imagine you are on a team with this absolute grimlin child who is the reincarnation of an ancient deity #and they fuck around with your life and try to take your powers when you are in the middle of like a severe depressive episode #only for them to get killed and replaced with another version of themselves that admits to feeling guilt over fucking with you #so your like kinda friends still but its all really fucked up #but that doesnt even matter because they decide to fuck off to who knows where and not stay in contact with you or your team #only for you to meet them again years later and find out they almost had a romance with your spirit mom #like hello this is so fucking funny to me #anyways #billy kaplan #loki #ikol #young avengers comics #young avengers #loki agent of asgard #loki the liar #teddy altman #wiccan #hulking #scarlet witch #wanda maximoff

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stoopidassjamesfranco · 1 year ago

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Goten black arc au but is named xXGotenBlackXx, it's full of emo music and has early 2010 glitter emo deviantart stamps aesthetic

#Dragon ball #Dragon ball z #Dragon ball super #Son goten #Goten black #Zamasu #Goku black #trunks #Truten #dbs #I just looked at old aesthetics for fun then thought how better Goten Black would have been and boom #Edgy emo teen with daddy issues who witnessed the extermination of his family and friends because dad wanted to beat up people #So yeah not body control #Zamasu is even worse and Actually manipulate Goten and turn him into a monster #He kills all mortals from the Future Timeline not only humanoid #And becoming the new reason why the tournament of power happens #Not because Goku is stupid #Also give goku angst #He doesn't reveal black is goten because he cares and wants to save him and not kill him #Also gohan is more involved and is also sad #Chichi is also sad #Trunks is sad #Junior and vegeta are sad but would not admit it #Mirai Trunks ha no idea who goten is so he is just angry #Ah yes truten Actually happens and mei is just a older sister to trunks

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alohaasaloevera · 5 months ago

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ok maybe klance is boring cause it’s everywhere and maybe they don’t share too many scenes together so but I don’t really give a shit! look at them! they’re so…klance. i say there’s another few months give or take before my interest in them finally burns out and it stays dormant for like two years before I pick it up again and i go feral over the two because they’re KLANCE

#I’m talking to myself #shipping wars but it’s just me vs me and were not really fighting over which one is bettter but more so fighting over how much a ship makes #sense #sure ships don’t even need to make sense for one to like it but I’ve been frothing at the mouth at the mere mention of klance because of #what I think they were to each other #it’s hard to enjoy the ship when your brain is constantly calling you delusional #I gotta rewatch voltron dude #voltron #voltron legendary defender #vld #vld lance #vld keith #lance mcclain #keith kogane #klance #laith #heh these tags make me seem like a klance hater #I’m not I promise #the only reason why I’m questioning klance because I read too much about people’s hatred for it #ok I retract what I said #people who say klance has no chemistry are just. sigh.#I can admit that nothing really happened in the later season BUT IT WAS THERE #in the start #and what was there had so much potential #no confirmed sexualities either!!! yay!!!#maybe I’ll have fun in gaybofunland idk away from all this internal misery #but anyways #aloe vera does it again guys #she did the word vomit thing again #but just in the tags this time

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sr-stories · 3 months ago

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Wendell's song slaps. I don't give a fuck. /lh

#Alright.#I admit it.#I'm a sucker for hard rock and heavy metal music.#I also think it's a shame that Wendell only appeared in two episodes.#He's such an interesting character.#This ginger-haired brat managed to take over a kingdom by himself for crying out loud.#He also attends Hexley Hall.#And since Grimtrix was the headmaster at the time #There's no doubt that Mrs. Fidget told him about her son's misdeeds.#I headcanon that this factor secretly aggravated Grimtrix #Not because he was concerned about Hexley Hall's reputation being tainted #But because he was inadvertently bested by one of his own damn students.#I think this is why Wendell didn't make an appearance in the episode Day of the Sorcerers.#The kid would've foiled Grimtrix's plan before Cedric was even given the invitation to join the Order of the Wand.#However...#this just begs the question #What happened to Wendell after the events of Camp Wilderwood?#...#okay ill shut up now #I'm overcomplicating things lol #🪄❤️#wendell fidget #sofia the first #my edit #enter sandman #metallica

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itslikeaspaceship · 2 years ago

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She’s not used to this kind of affection really. It’s odd, scary kind of, the way he’s so gentle with her. Maybe it’s because after the hospital she was convinced it was a one-time thing, that he’d only done it because she was to fragile for him to treat her any other way, but the longer they lived in Jackson the more she realized that Joel was just like this.

For such a large man, he was so insanely attentive.

At times it was even intimidating.

She remembers the first time he’d ever wiped food off her face. He had sighed beforehand, staring at her as she rambled on and on to Tommy about whatever dinosaur she was currently fixated on. She could see him out of the corner of her eye, and every second that passed with him staring at her, the more she’d talk. This wasn’t the first time adults had gotten mad at her for being excited, but Ellie wasn’t gonna back down just because he wanted some quiet.

Eventually the sighing stopped and he instead reached out his hand toward her face. That’s when she flinched.

Joel was a tough guy, sure, but she’d never gotten the impression he’d hit her. Apparently she was wrong.

She pulled back, taking a deep breath to prepare for the sting, but nothing happened. Peeking open an eye she saw that his thumb was resting against her chin, and he was simply just frozen in place. Even Tommy had stopped eating.

“You had some soup on your face kiddo.” He said, clearing his throat.

“Oh.” She leaned back into his hand then, allowing him to swipe his thumb along the juice on her face.

The rest of dinner was quieter, and she knew they were watching her, silently talking back and forth with their eyes.

It wasn’t like it was that big of deal, FEDRA agents did it all the time, it’d just been so long that he’d taken her by surprise.

Joel however didn’t see it that way.

When they’d gotten home, he’d ushered her inside, sitting her on the couch and demanding her to stay there. “I’ll be right back, don’t move.”

She listened for about five minutes until curiosity got the better of her and she ended up peeking through the curtains. She watched as he paced back and forth, jaw clenched while he muttered to himself.

She couldn’t understand why he was so angry about this. It wasn’t like she actually thought he was gonna hit her, it was mostly just muscle memory, and besides, it was a normal adult thing to do. Right?

When a kid messes up, that kid gets punished. She was talking to much when he might’ve wanted her to stop, so he was punishing her. Except obviously he wasn’t and maybe he was mad because she was convinced he was.

She bit her lip at the thought. Why wouldn’t her brain just fucking shut up for once?

“Ellie.” The door creaked and she jumped from her spot at the window, throwing herself back down on the couch.

Joel’s footsteps were heavy as he made his way to her, but his face wasn’t as harsh as before. She couldn’t decide if that comforted or scared her.

“Look Joel-”

“No ma’am.” He said, one finger flying out from his clenched fist. “It’s my turn to talk.”

Her breath was caught in her throat at that. Maybe she was wrong, maybe he was angry at her.

He was quiet for a moment, mouth opening and closing until eventually he began to speak. “When we were at dinner tonight, and I went to get that food off your face, why in gods name did you flinch?” Maybe he could see the fear in her then, and so he made sure to clarify. “I’m not mad, I promise, I just wanna know. I need to know.”

Even then she wouldn’t look at him, eyes glued to whatever surface looked the most interesting at the time. “It’s not even that big of a deal Joel. I knew you weren’t gonna hit me.”

From the corner of her eye, she saw his own widen for a split second. “Ellie.”

She groaned, tossing her head back. “Seriously Joel can you just let it go. I get it, I had food on my face and you were wiping it off. Now I wanna go to bed.”

She tried to jump up from the couch, feet carrying her as fast as she begged them to go, but Joel was faster.

“Ellie we are not done here.” He grabbed her wrist, making her jerk around.

“I don’t understand why you’re making such a big deal about this. It’s not your fucking problem.”

“The hell it isn’t. Ellie you thought I was gonna hit you, your insane if you think that’s not something we address.”

And maybe it was the confusion about this whole situation, but something in her snapped. “Why the fuck do you care?! You said it yourself, you’re not my dad, and I’m not your fucking kid so stop acting like this is something it’s not.”

She saw hurt flash in his eyes then and it made her feel physical pain knowing she was the one who caused that, but for some reason her mouth just wouldn’t stop.

“I know your pissed okay, but just let it go. It’s none of your business and-” Suddenly his arms were reaching out, and though she tried to fight it, he was wrapping them around her, pulling her as close to him as possible.

She didn’t react at first, body tense and arms straight at her side, but then Joel did something he’d never done before. He kissed her head.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered against her hair, his lips falling against her temple once more.

For some reason every bit of fight left her body then, and she completely crumbled against his chest, arms looping around him and squeezing him as tight as she could.

“I’m so sorry kid.” She didn’t mean to cry, but a few tears escaped anyway, and she just wiped her face on his shirt, relishing in the utter warmth it brought.

“I’m sorry that I ever made you feel like you were anything less then my kid.” He rubbed her back as he spoke, voice so gentle she swore it wasn’t really him talking. “And I would never ever hit you. No matter what you do, how bad it is, we keep our hands to ourselves. Do you understand?”

“Yes.” She whispered.

After that day, he saw the incident as cause to treat her like actual glass. His hands were so light everytime he touched her, cradling her against him like she was this precious thing. It was so confusing.

It would be different if she didn’t care, it wouldn’t bother her so much, but it hurt worse when she started craving it, and it became almost a problem when her body felt as if it was failing just because he didn’t kiss her head bye.

There was one day where he was leaving for an early patrol, and of course, he was late. And instead of the regular forehead kiss and Joel hug, he just yelled out his goodbye and ran out the door, promising he’d be back before dinner.

She hated that day. Every hour that passed all she could think about was how she wanted Joel. She didn’t eat lunch and barely touched her dinner.

Joel stared at her the whole time, trying to gently encourage to take a few bites, but it was like a switch flipped. Sure Joel was here but she hadn’t felt him, so why would she want to do anything at all?

“Ellie?” He gently toed her with his boot, eyes all soft and easy. “You gotta eat something baby.”

She just shrugged her shoulders, pushing some more food around with her fork. “I’m not hungry.”

“Not even for cheesy potatoes?” He said lightheartedly, putting his fork on her plate. And despite her mood, she couldn’t help but smile.

Cheesy potatoes were in fact her favorite, but the catch was, she never put them on her own plate. Instead, she let Joel get them in bulk and then she’d steal whatever she wanted from the pile, knowing he’d finish the rest. He always teased her about it, telling her to get her own food, but she saw the smile and the little shakes of his head that came with it, indicating he was in fact amused.

But tonight she hadn’t even looked at him or touched his plate for that matter, she opted instead to stare at her own food and dwell on why she felt so weird. It was a feeling she assumed that not even cheesy potatoes could fix.

“No.” She sighed, putting down her fork altogether.

Joel looked absolutely flabbergasted at that. “You’re not eating cheesy potatoes? The world must be ending. You feelin okay?”

She shrugged for probably the millionth time today. “Yup, just not hungry.”

He gave her a hesitant look, stopping his movements as well. “Hey, you sure?”

Fuck, why did he have to be so nice about it? So fucking gentle?

“Mmhm.” She mumbled, running her sleeve across her face to catch those stupid tears she hadn’t even meant to cry.

“Ellie.”

“No it’s good, I’m good.” She gave him what was probably the least assuring smile ever, and picked her fork back up to push some more food across her plate.

Joel didn’t like that, and so he stopped eating altogether. “Why don’t we just go home?”

She knew it wasn’t a question, and yet she still argued. “No it’s fine Joel, just finish your food, you’re hungry.”

“Mm, not really.”

“Jo-”

“I think I’ve had enough cheesy potatoes to fill both of us for a week, let’s go home.” Though this statement was said with love, she heard the demand in it. It was time to go home.

“Okay.” She said quietly, slipping on her jacket and racing out the door.

More tears threatened to spill over as she raced to the house, feeling Joel’s stare as he walked behind her. She didn’t understand why he couldn’t just fucking let things go. They didn’t need to talk about everything, which of course was what he was gonna do, but things would all be so much easier if he would just fight with her. If they would yell and scream, hell, sometimes she’d prefer him to just dig a hole and throw her in it. For some reason she felt it would hurt less then actually telling him what was the matter.

It would also be less embarrassing.

She swears she’s in the clear when she pushes the door open, already forming a plan to get him off her back, but she’s barely even inside for a minute before he’s right behind her, telling her to stop.

“Ellie.” That’s all it takes, one single word and she’s turning around, feet glued to the ground.

“I’m going to bed.” It’s defiant, an opening to an argument, but it’s easier then admitting what she really wants.

“No ma’am you’re not, sit down.” He points to the couch, slipping his coat off and tossing it on the rack.

Every muscle, every bone in her body says to keep walking away, to start a fight. But her mind won’t let her. She must stand there for what feels like forever debating whether or not it’s worth it, but when Joel looks at her, eyes still soft besides the gruff sound to his voice, she caves immediately. With a groan she begins stomping over to the couch, hearing Joel mumble something about dinosaur feet on his way to her.

Any other day she’d laugh, come back with some stupid statement about how he’s older then a dinosaur, but all she can think about now is the way he gently placed his hand on her shoulder when he walked by, how the place where it was is warm and tingly. How she feels like there’s a piece missing from her just because it’s gone.

“You gonna tell me what the hell is goin on or am I gonna have to beat it out of ya?” He says it with a smile, a ploy to get her to laugh. She doesn’t.

“Nothings wrong.”

“That’s not what I said.” He replies, hands clasped in front of him as he leans forward. “Talk to me kiddo.” He just stares then, waits for her to speak, to yell, anything. But she feels stuck, like she’s walking through quicksand, going so far down she can’t breathe, can’t see anything other then her own fear.

“Ellie hey,” He grabs her hand, running his thumb over her knuckles. She cracks a little more, eyes growing misty as she feels his callouses touch her newly soft skin. Why is this so hard?

“Look at me honey.” He crouches down, hands on her knees. There’s warmth everywhere on her body now, reaching from the tips of her toes all the way up to the top of her head, and yet somehow she’s still so fucking frozen in place.

“I can’t” She croaks out, a little sob shaking her upper body.

This obviously scares him, she feels it in the way his jaws ticks a bit, his hands tightening their grip on her own. “Ellie I promise you, whatever it is, no matter how bad it is, you can.”

She fights for a little while longer, Joel’s thumbs keeping her grounded as they brush along the skin of her hands and every now and then her knees.

How does she explain this? Where should she even start? Hey Joel, I feel like a fucking mess whenever you don’t hold me all the time because I’m a little baby with absolutely no self-worth and can’t function unless you kiss my head goodbye.

That wouldn’t do. No matter how much it was true, it wouldn’t do.

The frustrations of not being able to voice it made her chest feel even tighter, her fingers instinctively curling around Joel’s as she fought to breathe.

“I can’t.” She says again, eyes closing shut.

She hears him sigh before he readjusts to sit on his butt, hands never moving from hers. “Try.”

“I-”

“Ellie try.”

She inhales deeply, still struggling to find her own footing. It’s like a war inside her brain. Tell him, don’t tell him, back and forth nonstop. The only thing that seems to quiet it is when he lifts her hands to his lips, kissing her knuckles and massaging her tense hands. “Try.” He whispers again, in what she reads as a plea.

But how?

“You know,” The words come before she can even understand what’s happening, and she starts to stop, but he whispers it again and so she keeps going. “You know in the mornings when you like, when you hug me bye or like,” She sighs, still struggling. “I don’t know, when you kiss my head and stuff.”

She thinks she sees recognition flood his face and for a moment can breathe. “Oh Ellie, if you don’t like that just….” Everything goes quiet and her ears start ringing. Just kidding, he doesn’t get it.

“No.” She says quickly, “no please it’s not that.”Confusion now, and she feels even worse. “It’s, I like it when you do that.”

“Ellie I’m not understandin. I’m sorry.” She inhales again, trying not to cry. It’s not his fault he can’t read her mind and it’s not his fault she doesn’t know how to speak it.

“Promise you won’t make fun of me? No matter how crazy.”

“I promise.” He says it with no hesitation, without even blinking. She thinks that’s a good sign.

She takes a deep breath. “I don’t like it when you don’t do that. Like this morning when you left without a hug and you didn’t do anything like at all I thought I was gonna explode the rest of the day.” She’s quiet for a moment. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me?”

Joel gives her a little smile, cupping her cheek. “Baby there’s nothing wrong with you.”

“Yes there is.” She says frantically, pulling everything away from him. “I’m almost fifteen, I should-I should be able to function by myself. I should be able to go to sleep without you around, I should be able to have a normal fucking day at school without needing your hugs. But I can’t do it.”

He opens his mouth to reply, eyes going even softer as he watches all of her frustrations fall into his hands. “Ellie.”

“No there’s-there’s something wrong with me, I know it. I’m like a baby and I shouldn’t-”

“Hey now,” He says, grunting as he moves next to her on the couch. “Don’t talk like that, you’re not a baby and there’s nothing wrong with you.”

“Yes there is.”

“Ellie listen to me.” He guides her eyes to meet his, rubbing his thumb along her cheek. “You’ve gone your whole life without anybody to hold your hand. Nobody to say it was okay when you were scared, nobody to take care of you when you’re sick. And your goddamn tough for that.”

She smiles a bit at that and he takes it as a window to keep going.

“But you’re still a kid, and kids need affection. It’s normal, hell,” He laughs, “Sarah still cuddled the same damn way you do. So it’s okay.” Ellie sniffles, nodding her head at his words. “And really the only difference between that babygirl and this one is that you have a shit ton of catching up to do. But it’s okay.” He repeats it, needing her to get it through her thick head. “You hearin me?”

He leans their foreheads together, his lips gently kissing her temple and she just closes her eyes, reveling in the feeling of his utter presence “Yeah.” She thinks she does.

“Good, now no more theatrics.” He says jokingly, pulling her to his chest. “Okay?”

“Okay.” She laughs, nuzzling into his side.

It’s still not easy really.

It takes her weeks to finally walk up to him and just wrap her arms around him in a hug, but she does it, and a little bit of the weight loosens when he rubs his hand over head.

He takes the whole thing like champ, tries to make it easier for her to come to him. She doesn’t understand what he does differently or if he even changes anything, but everything else seems to just fall into place on its own until eventually it becomes normal for her to randomly walk up to him and fall against his chest. No matter where they are or who they’re with she learns that it’s okay, cause he’s gonna pull her in close and keep her shielded from everything and everyone, every single time.

And now, instead of feeling likes she’s walking through quicksand, it’s like she’s standing in a field of flowers. Easy, safe, and most importantly, home.

#um yeah #don’t even wanna admit how long I’ve been working on this #and i would not get your hopes all crazy because I’ll probably come to the conclusion that to many things said are out of character #then h delete it #I’ve done it before 😭#anyway I do love this fic…….for now #and I sincerely apologize about the tense change and take full responsibility ✋#I didn’t even know it happened but it was honestly the only way I could get the story to flow #so apologies all you fellow writers #ellie williams #joel miller #the last of us #tlou #joel and ellie #these guys make me insane #but I love them

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