#Actually to high on energy to censor myself

[i-simp-4-psychopaths]

WHAT

WHAT THE FUCK

WHAT WHAT WHAT??

I WAS JUST CHILLING AND REWATCHING THE FATHER AND SON MOMENTS WITH SOLAR AND JACK

AND EALS

YOU PULL THIS BULLSHIT?

GOING TO MURDER MYSELF. GOING TO MURDER THE CREATOR. GOING TO MURDER REZ.

THE WAY JACK SOUNDED SO SCARED

AND SOLAR JUST STOOD THERE AND GOT STABBED CUZ IT WAS HIS LITTLE BABY BOY JACK AND HE COULDN’T DO ANYTHING AGAINST HIM AND JUST

AHHHSKENDMBDNSNS

anyway, art hopefully coming soon, dw.

[phagodyke]

all i will say abt the new g*od *mens season is YAWWWWWN

[yooniesim]

That being said, I am NOT sorry to tianshii88/rentbunny/zhuhaitang/yin-shimo for anything. I still stand by everything that I said about their shipping preferences not being tagged correctly or kept away from unconsenting parties, how they conduct themselves with minors, and how generally creepy I find them as a person. I blocked them partly because they were liking posts calling me a coon and telling me to kill myself, and I think it's very funny they sifted through people simply not liking their extremely high poly count (ignoring all the times they got compliments of course) and an out of context remark not even directed towards them as "receipts" to play the victim. They are not a victim in any capacity and when I have the time to do so I will post everything I have and everything I can find. I was going to let it go and leave them unnamed but I guess they don't want it to be that way. I truly find them unnerving and one of the only people I know on simblr I would worry about the minors here being around. I stand by their ban from my server 100% and I would encourage others to do the same.

In the last few days, I've actually seen more people saying how they were made uncomfortable by tianshi's actions towards them, and if anyone else feels comfortable coming to me with the details, please do so. You got the actual receipts, hell, send them. Especially if you have the ones from his server with the dead dove channel full of 12-15 year olds. I'll add them to the mountain. And I'll censor them and keep you anonymous. I'm not one for callout posts anymore, but honestly, as a victim of CSA myself and someone that was groomed on the internet as a young child, this entire situation has been sending up red flags throughout for me. The flippant attitude, the mocking of survivors, the lack of empathy or accountability, it's all really disturbing. This may be the one time I really just have to force myself through all the shit I've been sent and lay it out like I used to. It's tough and it's triggering as hell and I don't want to. God knows I don't have the mental energy or a lot of time for this shit anymore. But they will not stop attacking me and unrelated people in the server even though I tried my best not to name them or bring them shit, and I think they really think they haven't done a thing wrong ever. They admit to everything yet defend everything, from saying putting a minor in a sexual pose for cc preview is okay because the original mangaka did it first to pretending having a dead dove channel in a server full of minors is okay because it has a simple react role to access... and more near incoherent word salad. Every concern you bring up has a convenient excuse, while they call survivors crybabies and dumbasses for being triggered by their irresponsible and creepy behavior. While they try to invalidate people with legitimate concerns about their creepiness by calling them bullies for bringing up their poly count or trying to frame them as something they're not. And if they think all that is okay, people in the community are going to continue to be harmed by them in the future, and I really don't want that.

When I post it, it'll be appropriately tagged and most likely under a read more so that anyone that doesn't want to see it can avoid it. Sorry guys.

[queeniecook]

November 2 to 8 - Part 2

True to her word, Vera arranges with Caleb to take AJ and Este out to the new park on the island, giving Apollo time alone to talk to Naya once she arrives home from work.

"How was work?" Apollo asks when Naya enters their bedroom. He asks her every night, he wonders if she thinks he asks just to seem like a good husband but he actually listens to what she has to say, wanting to know about her life away from their home. 

"Good. We finished our project for Mid-November today." She replies, looking at him. He looks serious and that causes a knot to form in the pit of her stomach. She removes her high heels, placing them onto her shoe rack before joining Apollo on the love seat.

"I'd like to talk about our situation, Naya." Apollo starts, not wanting to use the "we need to talk" phrase. It always sounds so harsh to him. 

"Okay." Naya replies, folding her hands nervously. In all honesty, she knew this was coming. They had been dancing around it for a while. Apollo has tried to talk to her about it few times but she isn't a fan of any type of confrontation. 

"I'm worried about how much time you're spending at the office." Apollo says gently, he doesn't want their talk to break into a fight. That's the last thing he wants. Naya nods and he continues. "AJ says he misses you and I miss you too."

Hearing her son misses her it what really stings. Not that she don't care that her husband misses her, she does but it hits different when it's your child. "I love you both, please don't doubt that."

"We don't doubt that, honey. But I don't want you to miss out on our son's childhood in favor of your career." Apollo's voice rises slightly and he takes a breath to calm himself.

Naya shifts, looking at her husband. "Do you think I'm picking my career over our family??" She asks, getting a bit emotional. 

Apollo sighs "No. I just...don't understand. We have money. I could get it if we needed the money but we don't. I will never be one of those guys that is all macho and tells his wife she can't work, but you don't have to work so hard..."

"Yes I do!" Naya yells before she can censor herself. She blows out a breath and tries to regain her composure, as Apollo doesn't even look at her. He's staring at their bed instead. "This isn't about money, Apollo. I want to make a name for myself in the Fashion Industry before I'm old and grey."

Apollo hears his wife's voice break at end and looks at her, things make a little more sense now. He wants to hug her but she doesn't look like she'll let him at this moment. He stands, thinking.

Naya slowly rises after her husband, sniffling a bit. "I know you don't really get it because you're happy where you are with your career but I'm not."

"Some things are more important than a career." Apollo reminds her. "Time won't rewind just because you want it to."

Naya surprises both herself and Apollo whens he latches onto him. "I already had to give up one dream, please don't expect me to give up another."

He knows she's talking about the fact that they didn't get to have more kids. It was a dream he had to give up too but at least they have AJ.

"This doesn't fix anything for AJ." Apollo comments after a few moments of silence. 

Naya sighs, still holding onto her husband, the man she's loved since high school. "Maybe...I could try working from home a few days a week?" She suggests, she did it when she was pregnant with AJ and they were all hiding out from Ciara and Man Bun guy. 

"If you think it'll work." Apollo comments, he feels like he has no energy left for some reason. He feels drained. 

"It's worth a shot. It'll allow me to still work but also be here more." Naya tells him, otherwise she isn't sure what to do.

Apollo nods, he isn't sure if it will solve things because she'll be absorbed in her work but it would at least cut down on the time she spends traveling on certain days - that may open up her schedule a little more to spend time with their family.

Even with the issues between them, they still love one another and their son. Time will tell if their new arrangement works out. 

<-previous

[agapi-kalyptei]

happylog, week 35/2024

still riding that high from the last pancake party. it's good to feed people and make them meet other new friends

gave away some more Red Gold and I'm left with just two last tubes that are already booked, so nothing goes to waste

i was greedy/naughty though and opened the Erős Pista jar for myself and wow it's so so good. so worth the [bodily function censored]

I actually opened MuseScore and worked on my quartet piece for a few hours, for the first time since like April/May

mental clarity is slowly returning. I might write about it separately but antidepressants+adhd+long covid combo really did make me delusional in the past few years

as the weather's slowly getting colder (NOT you, thursday and friday!! gross.) the migraines are also going away

asked in work if I should work on any other tasks and they said no. so I'm just geeking out about PostgreSQL internals and thinking about to make videos for youtube shorts about it (and a longer one later)

dinner with an old friend in V! can't believe we've met what... 9-10 years ago?

dinner in V! have I mentioned? V? food? great food? In V? the restaurant? that has good food? gosh i love this place. the staff still recognizes me even if I haven't been there much in the past few... yeah. you know

got new sweatpants. they're not as soft and stretchy like the old ones, but that's a good thing because they're 100% cotton and 0% microplastic, hopefully

just tried out the new running shoes. gosh they're instantly comfy, they're easy to put on and off,I can't believe I scored them on literally the first try in the first shop, even the size was just right.

not-so-happylog week 35/2024

skipped Kommi's party on Friday I kinda wanted to go, kinda enjoyed my social anxieties, but ultimately got a migraine which solved the problem for me

skipped ERSO Day on Saturday health was bad, it was a nice sleepy weather I didn't really plan to go, but also felt wrong not to go also felt wrong to not finish the footage I promised, uh, two years ago

ultimately, it's good that I have something firm to measure my level of delusions against. I'll still have to make a formal apology to K2rt, and I still want to finish the footage, but at this point I'm pretty sure the audio from all the chamber concerts is just too garbage to be salvaged for anything other than like 15 second fb/insta stories, and hopefully the main concert is still doable, but most of it is probably copyright-unpublishable because ContentID sucks

I'm still mulling over the encouragement I received during the dinner. To be myself, to create something, without expecting adventurous life or aiming too high or trying to be someone I'm not. To just record or share a piece of my life that's mine, without worrying whether it's better than what others are doing. FOMO is just wasted energy.

[aromantisk-fagforening]

YCGMA review

OK, so ages ago I am said I was going to review your city gave me asthma. Um, so I might do that now. Using the Dictation tool in Microsoft Word. Coming back to write this start at the end, now I'm just going to say I really hate that this program censors swear words. Like, literally Why? If I say swear words, it's because I want to write swear words. What the ****?

I haven't done too much editing on this, so if it's kind of weird and kind of very obviously spoken word, that's probably why. I am just prioritizing my hands today.

So the first song in the album is Jubilee line. And I really like it. I really like the clip of like, idk, regular life audio. It was really cool when I went to the train, took the railway in London. And got to experience it for myself. My favorite lyric from that song is probably “Shout at the wall. ‘cause the walls don’t fucking love you.” I do have this song in some playlists, but it's not one of my favorites. It's totally fine.

The next song is Saline solution. I really liked this song for singing about painkillers  personally, as someone who has to rely on painkillers a lot. I really like the language in the song. Uh, it's funny. It's, um, poetic in a funny way. Elixir and melodramatic and pragmatic. Yeah, it's just greatly enjoyable. This is one of my favorite songs from the album.

The next song is Since I Saw Vienna. I don't listen to this much anymore. But I can't play this on guitar. Uh. It was the first song I learned with like picking or however you say that technique like instead of playing chords. And uh, it's uh yeah, it's not bad. But it's a lot more allo than I'm personally a fan of. I will admit it is genuinely really fun to play on a guitar.

The next song in the album is Losing Face. Basically, it's about, well, losing face. This one's really high energy, which like, really like. It's good for when you're in the bad place. And as generally losing face implies, it's that it really expresses that feeling of being completely out of control. And like you, you just have to be honest because yeah, you can't anymore. And to quote the song, it's like. “Well, I don't know what to do.” And yeah, it's, um, losing hope. And just like. What? What is even why? And I guess in the actual song it's about specific situation. Uh, so that's a thing. I don't really care as much about the specific situation.

The next song is Your sister was Right. I think it's generally about like this feeling that you're like a bad person. And I don't know if that's a feeling that's very good to entertain for too long. The problem with identifying yourself as a bad person who does bad things is, it may hinder you from making improvements in how you act. It depends a bit, but I think this is one can easily be destructive. It can also be nice when you feel like you can't admit your mistakes. And to just like. Yeah, get out of your head with a different opinion. Um, I don't know.

And then there is La Jolla. So this song is one of the reasons you should listen to this album as a whole. Rather than individual songs. Because it uh.I don't want to spoil too much, but this hints at a later song. I think you could definitely argue that this song is about like depression or like chronic bad mood, but those are basically the same. Technically, depression often doesn't have a cause. I believe. This album is, as earlier stated, kind of about hating London. And at least from what Wilbur has said himself it's about Hypochondria or like health anxiety. Oh, but yeah. Anyway, back to the song, it mentions self-hate, which is like I assume that it's common, but maybe not. Hopefully not. But yeah, I'm glad it does, we need to talk about the bad stuff sometimes.

And next up is one of my favorite songs and I also I would really recommend it because it doesn't have any romance. It is. I'm sorry, Boris. It is a political song. Uh, so this is obviously about yeah, it's about Boris Johnson, which also implicates the Tory Party in the UK. It basically talks about how the politics are so bad, and they're going to ruin all the favorite things, all the nice things the government does for the people. I have also tried this on guitar, I don't remember if I managed to learn it. Uh, but yes, I mentioned uh, this is um, the song that. Uh. Continues on one of the previous songs. I've forgotten which right now, but yeah, you can read the last paragraph I think this is so such a nice song to listen to, honestly. Uh, Wilbur says. This is just an artist I really like. I I love the way he sings, the way he makes the general musical picture. Uh, I think the instruments are always great and the melodies, it's some of my favorite music honestly.

I don't listen to this of us much anymore. But I do really like it, and I really did like it when I used to listen to it a lot more. I might start listening to it again, I'm not sure.

[sa4phire]

i am not myself right now and it is the most agonizing thing. to watch myself. be this version of me when i so desperately want to be the real me. i am always sexual but it doesn’t hit this way for me at all when i am myself. i am ruining things for nothing, i am actively engaging in my eating disorder again, i am pulling away from everyone. i am not being a good wife in my opinion because cook clean and fuck and baby i have barely been cooking because i have no need for food. my man needs sustainable meals and shit and i haven’t been doing the shit. i have not been running my house like normal. i am checked out. i stay high, i write my poetry, i fucking do what i’m gonna do n that’s it. i be outside. i’ve been up for hours n this is after like another two day bender that was after another one and this has been going on for months but i had my job. now that i am koolin basically in the god damn queue for florida until i get certain strings tied (not ones i control), so im free. my man workin long days. im alone.

i am dangerously close to another psychotic break and i pulled away and have been… real with my friends and family but they have no fucking idea how bad i actually am right now. no one in my real life does. they can guess but not one single person actually feels the terror i feel right now. i will not go on medication. not after what happened to me not after my experience after my whole life. i will buck the fuck up and ride it out but i am telling you. my friends back home? we are about to have… demon time because we are all going through our second dark moment basically. so when i see maya… pray. like 🤌🏻🤌🏻😂 the drinks are gonna be rolling. for days. i’m telling you now. but it’s like. i am the kind of person where if i wear myself out i will be okay. that’s why i’m expressing my sexuality and my fucking jittery god damn buzzing energy in every way through writing through lives through sexting through blogging but also painting and caring for my plants and caring for my animals. i have receded to the point where nature is the only place i feel calm and sleeping in a bed is bringing bad things in my head right now so i’m not sleeping. but im also like. i say it’s bad because it’s like. im actively self harming again. i’m not eating, i’ve hit myself multiple times like i borderline cut n i said i was done like more than half a decade ago. be so fr. what the fuck. im to the point where it’s like i looked in the mirror after forcing myself to fucking do something i really. shouldn’t have and just said like “i don’t even recognize you.”

this is not me and if you’ve followed me for a long time you know about why i started this specific blog in the first place and what happened on the underground one that i lost. to censor. so like it just i don’t know it’s hard because i am meeting these souls here who are so important to me. so. important to me in a way i cannot explain. in such a deep way that it hurts to be in their presence sometimes even though they are some of my favorite people in this world. i don’t want to disappoint them or hurt them. i want to give them everything i can that is good i want to give to them.

i feel like no matter what i do right now it is not going to be right. so i go to my trees and i stay up so i don’t dream and i smoke to ease the ptsd and the anxiety and the other stuff. insomnia is nothing compared to ptsd. but thankfully i have met people here who like. understand me and are always helping me and checking on me and guiding me through it. no one knows the real real about some of the shit that i allow on here. like irl it is hard for me to look my husband in the eyes and tell him i can’t sleep a certain way in the bed because a nurse TRIGGER WARNIn bitch but yea a nurse groped me in my sleep in the psych ward and then after wards tried to say i was anxious. to medicate me bro. so like. i just. i am like. and also that’s another thing my sexual trauma ptsd whatever bullshit i don’t know it just is coming in so fucking hot rn. yet at the same time i’m insane. like insatiably horny and yet if i were to have sex right now it would feel like rape. like i can’t have sex right now dawg. i forced myself to today and literally had to stop. sucked his dick tho baby don’t worry lmaoooo my daddy definitely got um a good good nut but. like. i couldn’t stop clenching up because my mental blocks are up because i’m fucking insane right now and just. dude. i’m going to florida so like it will be okay because i can get straightened out down there without having to worry about the long term effects of this episode on my relationship to my husband. and responsibilities will also change which will really help me honestly.

the self hatred and seething burning rage i feel towards myself is immense and difficult to process and handle. i’m writing but it’s not enough. i’m pulling away from people in real life to protect them but god damn i need. love i need affection i need to be held. i crumbled in angie’s lap for a reason. she saw me. for a moment and i couldn’t even handle it. and like the way that she so gently pet me bro and looked at me. she has been through worse than me. she understands. me. but she moved over an hour away from me now. i just. i need support. but i don’t know how to even like live.

[rougedraconteur]

People on here are here because they love something and enjoy it as a release from everyday tension, boredom, struggles. People here have real lives, most are grownups without the time or energy to be anonymous and stir up issues for more followers. They just want to go to their library, find a good story, and escape into a favorite trope about characters they love. The Klaine library has been stellar because they have never forgotten that. Stopandimagineloveforever has been here for as long as I have, and remains committed to the task of supporting klaine fanfic for, is it over a decade now? They have always operated in a very professional manner, largely despite personal feelings they may have toward a story or a person. Over the years, anyone they worked with has done the same. Only in the most extreme circumstances have I ever seen them even waver, and I commend them for that. Our fandom is very, very lucky to have them. And they have respected those who choose to start offshoot contests and support their efforts in large part.

While I see folks I really like, like hkvoyage, sometimes seeming to be shipping seblaine, which I don’t like, I don’t feel the need to block or censor them or to anon myself to mention that they are no longer followed by me and they should stop helping with a library that exists to support klaine. Because that would just be stupid ignorant childish bullshit. I personally like Grant, he seems charming and adorable, but I am allowed to not like Sebastian as I prefer him as the great villian he is. And I actually enjoy Grant’s take on Seb more than his other work, which is why I think so many DO ship the two (or even Kurtbastian) as they like the “bad boy” or currently highly popular in media “anti-hero as central character you love to hate” tropes. He is a so much more “fun” villian than Karovski, who seems truly dark and dangerous and tragic by comparison, and makes me think of Ryan Murphy in high school, iykyk, which I do not like at all. Fandom used to have some brilliant discussions on the show, and some brilliant writers who moved on, sadly. They made you THINK.) I do enjoy those stories where Seb’s villiany, his lies, his cheating and bad behavior, his sluttiness, and his total arrogance do him in, though. I wish it happened in real life more often, js. Seb is perfectly made for politics. Same with Blam, I like Chord, not so much Sam or Chord’s other acting efforts. I think Chris did the best job of trying to salvage a poorly written character throughout the series with his one episode that he was allowed.

And while I love Kurt, and Chris, sometimes my newest favorite authors make Kurt almost uncharacteristically female, or with very feminized characteristics, almost to the exclusion of his masculinity, a take that I personally was never particularly fond of on the show. It is still canon, though, and though I have thoughts about it that involve both the writers and actors on Glee, and shaped further by comments from each over the years, it is fine if writers want that Kurt featured in their stories. I can read it or not, and I don’t offer any criticism to writers who choose that because, again, it can be found in canon. (Even if it wasn’t, it is allowed, but then you are writing another character, imo. Capturing the real Kurt is a true act of genius that I think very few get right, if I am honest. He is a deeply complex character, he has layers, which is a huge part of his attraction for Blaine, who loves the idea of peeling back and enjoying each layer of complexity to the extent that he is never bored and always fascinated, it’s what makes their relationship bond make sense for me.)

I have been in this fandom for going on 14 years now, and I was old before that, and find most people who post know little to nothing about what they are talking about, or sometimes life in general or the topic they are discussing with such vigor in particular, but they think they do. The intelligent, complex, detailed, well-researched, and lively discussions that used to take place here are long gone, because people simply don’t want to hear what they don’t want to hear, like Kurt about his dad’s attempt at sex talk. They choose revised histories and to erase everything they don’t like for their versions, like much of the world today. We all filter through our own lenses. It is simply not worth the discussion anymore, when real life is so dire and critically important, to fight over this. In fact, it is a distraction most of us can ill afford, and no longer enjoyable to grow and learn from others and consider another point of view, as we all feel threatened by differences now. We no longer listen to evidence or opinions, weigh that, and then use our brains to agree to disagree, about particular things, and still enjoy together what parts of fandom we share. God forbid we change our minds or allow for the fact that we can all feel differently about the same characters we love. The same goes for the actors and the lives they show us. I know some people hate Darren’s baggy pants, or Chris’s sky-high hair, and I laugh and think of those folks fondly, not with hate, when I see some things, knowing they will go on a rant because they just will, but knowing they still love these actors so much.

I choose at this point to support Chris and Darren and focus on their career efforts, while reserving my personal opinions for myself and my few friends online, privately, and to love Kurt and Blaine and Klaine, despite some shitty writing at various times through the seasons, and to enjoy the new, and old favorite, Klaine stories I see. If the writing itself is good, I praise and encourage that, especially from new writers, because I know something about that. If it is not to my taste, for any reason, I move on, because someone else may like it. (The squick we used to get from that glee kink site was insane at times, but we all analyzed the hell out of it and what in the show or in real life inspired it and moved through it like little Freuds.) The same goes for klaine art, polls which garner clicks, discussions of glee episodes, and so on. If I don’t like the art (beautiful artwork, especially of Kurt, but tall Blaine is Not Blaine, smol is an essential character trait and shapes his entire being) I now assume No One Cares for a Discussion, sadly, and I just move on.

I even happen to like Kevin and Jenna’s podcast, unlike almost everyone at this point, as I have had a number of things confirmed from this show, which fan discussions, while quite interesting, still cannot do. When the tell us The Quarterback was invasive because it was basically them and not their characters grieving the loss of someone they loved, for our entertainment, and for an almighty dollar, and largely the choice of a very few against the wishes of many; I thought that at the time, though I grieved with them and would have selfishly missed the show deeply, especially at that point of sudden loss. And there is no way that it doesn’t affect how one sees the episode, which is full of traumatized actors giving stunning first takes on camera for voyeurs. Chris, especially, and Naya, for another, carried a tremendous amount of the weight of that episode, as written by RM, along with the older members of the cast, despite my seeing Chord recently say Cory was his best friend on set and that he took his loss very hard at the time, he has next to no presence here in this episode. Darren was a key spokesperson in the days after, though he, too, is minimized in this episode, while Chris himself virtually disappeared in public. That episode simply cannot exist for discussion in a vacuum.

This fandom is united by Klaine and thus includes folks who love both Darren and Chris, so Criss Colfer, at least as friends and former co-workers who exist in the same universe with a shared history, is shipped here by default. So, can’t we just all get along? While we may love one character or actor more than another, we are united in that we have crossover, and always will. These characters, and these actors, respectively, had too much impact in that shared narrative, and as vibrant personalities in real life, to just fade away.

Or we can look at one another across our divisions and choose to kill this fandom with foolishness, to the detrement of all. Including the actors.

Anon hate - @klainepolls and @carsonphillips

I want to address the issue of Anon hate to Caroline (carsonphillips) and Klainepolls.  At the very beginning, when the polls seemed to me to be anti-Blaine, I did Anon saying would they please stop the negativity towards Blaine.  Then when I saw the poll about whether Blaine cheat again  - I sent them a message asking "would the next poll be about Kurt accepting phone numbers from weird guys in music shops"  or something like that.  Because yes, I was pissed off with the cheating poll, and should have calmed down before hitting the send button. When people talk about "Anon hate" - to me that meant being nasty and calling names etc.  I want to make it clear that I was never nasty in my messages, I hope Caroline knows that was not my intention, maybe my tone was upsetting or annoying. (if any were nasty, I want to let her know it wasn't me. Plus I have seen some she posted that are definitely not me.) I know Caroline has said she is receiving a lot of hateful emails. I want to make it clear that i only sent a few anon, but anyway, I accept I should have sent none.

Yes, i was a dick because i was getting overheated at someone else's view of/hc/jokes about my favorite character. I lost sight of the fact that this was a fictional character, and over reacted, I should have been more mature and had a realty check that there's much more awful things happening irl. I have discussed "anon hate" with another mutual, who has told me that any form of going into a person's inbox to ask them to defend their headcanons can be viewed as a form of harassment, and cause upset. I acknowledge that now.

A few years ago i was accused by someone of sending her anon hate. Even though she was a Klaine fan, she kept saying things which I didn't like about Blaine and Blam.   She wouldn't answer my personal messages.   So in a short period I sent Anon to her asking her to justify what she was saying  about Blaine and Blam -  but I never said anything mean to her, but i can see they were annoying.   She obviously called me out on her blog.   So I learnt to be careful what to send anon after that, but in last few weeks due to crabbiness and lack of judgement, I messaged Caroline/Kp by anon, when I shouldn't have.  

~~~~

I want to take this opportunity to publicly apologise to Caroline and Genevieve for any insult or upset I caused them.

Going forward, I don't intend to use my blog, I won't be engaging with anyone anymore from it. I will be taking a break from tumblr, and assess in six months time what I will do with my blog.

With regards to the library, Caroline messaged @stopandimagineloveforever to ask how I can continue to help there, people think their fics will not be promoted. That would not happen. I am currently discussing the way forward with @stopandimagineloveforever.

~~~~

We all make mistakes. I hope my apologies can be accepted, and we can all move on.

[just-want-fluff]

fuck everyone but you

part 3 of the cigarette duet series

(masterlist)

eddie munson x gender neutral reader

cw: smoking, swearing

“I swear to God, I will murder you, Sunwell”. What a lovely way to wake up with a hangover.

I stare back at Steve, who was pacing around the bedroom already dressed, hand covering his mouth, unsure of what to do with himself. Robin was unbothered, sat on the rocking chair contemplating who had actually gone crazy: her friend—who was now walking in circles—or her other friend—who had disappeared last night only to come back and pass out immediately after.

“Not if I murder you first, Harrington!” I got a sudden burst of energy and jumped from the king sized bed, essentially jumping onto Steve’s back while I laughed. I stopped laughing when my head started pulsating. Goddamn hangover.

“Hey! Hey!” Robin sat up and tackled me, grabbing my arms and helping me get down from Steve’s piggy ride. “No murdering, okay? Not with everything that’s going on right now.”

“Look, I know I was late last night, I’m sorry. However, I am my own person. Speaking of which, I have just realized that it is embarrassingly late in the day and”—I take a pause for dramatic effect, raising up my pointer finger into the sky—“I have shit to do!”

I messily get dressed, gather my bag and check that my lighter is still in my jeans and that last night was not just some weird drunk hallucination I had of meeting Eddie Munson, which it wasn’t, in case you were wondering.

Steve and Robin also have to hurry so we all hop in the car, music blasting: Steve drives, Robin struggles with her mascara, basically tearing her eyelid apart, and I sit in the backseat as the freeloader. _____________________________ The sun sets once again, like it did the day before. I was in the parking lot of beloved Hawkings High, basically staring through the sun with my yellow sunglasses on. I try remembering what exactly I talked to Eddie about, but a single part of the conversation kept replaying in my head: “Same time and place tomorrow?”

Was it a joke? Or did he genuinely want to relight the chaotic friendship we had three years ago? I looked at the sunlit clock by the school, struggling to make out the time, but after some squinting it read “6.32”, close enough to the time I went out into the woods last night. I didn’t really have anything to do so, fuck it, right? At least, that was my mindset as I plugged in my headphones prepared for the long walk over to Skull Rock.

At last, I found myself sitting on the same rock as I did 24 hours ago, afraid I might be stuck in some time loop. This was so dumb, I thought. I’m so fucking stupid, I thought. Of course some old friend who I almost forgot existed wasn’t gonna show up, it was just a poor joke.

I lit up a cigarette, frustrated with myself. I stood up and walked around, looking at the poor scribbled trees with all the couples that wrote their names along the years. I basically couldn’t make out a distinct heart or initials anymore, they were all layered over one another. I glanced at my backpack and took out a permanent marker. Why hurt nature when you could make much more permanent art without harming anything? I looked at the intimidating stones in front of me and started scribbling, doodling aimlessly with the black marker. When I took a step back I looked at a drawing of crow with wings wide open, its eyes censored by a black line.

I took out my white marker, wanting to write something over the black, but I was interrupted by a deja-vu, followed by a sweet yet deep voice.

“Holy shit, did you make that?” Eddie basically was summoned from behind a tree as he rushed, not caring which branches he stepped over. He jumped, landing right behind me, as if I wasn’t startled enough.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you. But this, this!” he said as he stared at the crow, tracing the black line with his long ring covered fingers and- damn he had cool rings. “This is fucking amazing, Sunwell!”

I sort of just look at him in disbelief, the marker frozen in my hands. Eddie notices my tenseness and I guess he gets awkward too, so he tries to lighten up the mood by taking the pen from my hand and looking at the drawing on the cold stone. “What were you planning to do here?” he says, pointing to the crow’s crossed out eyes.

“I think I wanted to write some edgy shit, but I’m out of ideas” I sigh, crossing my arms and looking down at my feet. When I look back up at Eddie I see what I think is the most beautiful smile I never thought a face could make. Naturally, I smile too and let out an embarrassed laugh.

“What is it?” I question him, sensing he has a mischievous idea.

“Let’s do one of those things like uh.. Oh, I know!” I can see his eyes literally spark as he turns around and starts writing. I try to walk up and see what he’s doing but his wide shoulders cover up the drawing. I can hear him giggle as finally turns around to show me his creation, arms happily held up and pointing as I read the text “Fuck everyone but you”.

I have no idea if he means me personally, if he means it in a dirty sense or if it’s just meant to be edgy, but for some reason I feel a warmth in my chest. Eddie had been looking at me expecting a reaction, which I just now noticed, so I quickly turn to face him.

“I love it”

He takes a step closer and puts his hands on my shoulders. We just stood like that for a moment, smiling like idiots. “Great, cause that would’ve been embarrassing”

In that moment—with his cool rings brushing against my exposed neck and with the sun through his curls—I seriously thought I might melt and die.

He let out a sigh as he dropped his hands back down.

“Hey, what were you doing here by the way?” I get the sudden urge to ask. Did he just stumble over and find me?

“I uh.. I come here a lot to smoke. So if you need me and I’m not at school or home.. Y’know”

“Good to know” I smile at him.

[awanderingdeal]

I vote leo meeting the harvard team! 💕

So this fic has been a bit of a mare to write, but we are here!

You can read the first part of this here

Rating: T

CW: Alcohol, academic superiority complex and coming out.

Logan, Finn, Leo, Percy, Will and the general Sweater Weather universe belongs to @lumosinlove. The other team members were made up by me for this fic.

“Okay, tell me their names again,” Leo said, tugging at the rolled neck of his sweater as he shut the car door.

“Nutty,” Finn laughed. “There’s not going to be a pop quiz. We’ll introduce you when we meet people.”

Leo scowled, letting Logan thread their fingers together. It was weird being able to do this in public still and Leo couldn’t help but glance around. “I just don’t want to make a fool of myself.” Logan squeezed his hand reassuringly, meeting Leo’s gaze with a soft smile.

“Nobody expects you to know anything. And everybody’s great.” Logan wrinkled his nose like he’d just smelt something bad. “Except Wesley, he’s an ass, but I’ll point him out.”

Like many of the others in Harvard square, the building was all exposed brick and white accents, blending in seamlessly with those around it. Inside was different, more modern. Leo didn’t get to see much of the first floor, the one dedicated to the restaurant Finn, Logan and the rest of the team had dined at previous evening, before he was ushered up a grand staircase, but he’d seen the photographs. The cherry blossom ceilings and walls of glass provided the perfect backdrop for the instagram feeds of the hoards of celebrities and influencers that flocked there. Hence his surprise when, after checking their invitations again, an employee pushed open a set of double doors to reveal a room that more resembled a 1920’s speakeasy than anything 21st century. A loud cheer went up as they crossed the threshold.

“Is this a team thing?” Leo mouthed at Logan.

He got his answer from Percy Marshall. Leo had met him a few times before when they’d played the Rangers. “You’re the last to arrive,” Percy chuckled. “I’d say I was surprised, but that would be a lie.” He slapped a hand playfully against Finn’s bicep. Is this outfit change number 52, Finn? Don’t worry, you didn’t disappoint. You look wonderful.”

“Fuck you, Marshy,” Finn laughed. “Tremz was on a call to his sisters actually.”

“Oh, I do apologise,” Percy clasped his hand to his chest. “We wouldn’t dare break up a Tremblay soiree.”

“You’re an ass,” Logan scoffed, plucking at Finn’s slacks. “I was only talking to them because Finn was taking so long. Did you know there are several shades of mustard and only one of them goes with this shirt?”

“Oh look, they argue like an old married couple too,” William Morgan, another of those Leo knew, and Percy’s teammate on the Rangers, teased. “Marshy, these hands are looking too empty. Get these men a drink.”

“Aye, aye, capt’n.” Leo set to follow as Percy led the way to the bar, stumbling slightly as he found Will’s firm grasp on his shoulder stopping his movement. Logan turned as his fingers slipped from his hand.

“Go ahead, Tremzy. I’m going to introduce Leo to some of the team. We want all the gossip without you two around to censor him.”

Logan frowned. “I’m not sure -”

“Relax, Logan. This isn’t a hazing. We’ll be right over there,” Will pointed towards a group perched on stools around two of the tables in the centre of the room, a mix of the old team and what Leo assumed were their partners. “Knut’s a big boy. He can object for himself if he really doesn’t want to come.”

“I’m sure I can hold my own,” Leo cocked his head slightly and smiled. “You better not leave Harzy with Percy for too long. They’ll be three shots down by now.”

The next few hours passed in a whirlwind of introductions. Leo had lost count of the number of hands he'd shaken and the new names he'd learned. It reminded him of those first few days in Gryffindor, being shuffled around from place to place and everybody telling him he'd get used to it.

The quiet of the bathroom was a welcome reprieve to the chaos. “Sweetheart,” Leo laughed, listening to Finn sing to himself in the stall. “Are you okay? You’ve been in there a while.”

“I’m coming, I’m coming.” A concerningly loud crash preceded the door being pushed open. “I’m here.”

“You’re drunk,” Leo chuckled.

Finn pulled his hands from under the stream of water, shaking droplets everywhere as he squeezed the tips of his thumb and forefinger together. “Maybe just the tiniest bit.”

Leo shook his head fondly. “Let’s go and find Lo.” Glancing back to check Finn was following him proved to be a mistake. “Shit, I’m sorry,” he apologised, rubbing at his forehead and stepping back from the wall of muscle he’d just crashed into. Of course, the tall man with his hair pulled back into a loose ponytail was the one person Leo hadn’t yet met.

“Leo, this is James. Call him Hunter,” Finn grinned with his hand resting in the small of Leo’s back. "Hunter, this is -"

"Leo Knut. I know. Everybody knows," Hunter said and Leo noted the familiar notes of his own accent in the words. He faltered with his hand thrust halfway in Leo's direction, letting it fall back by his side. "Oh fuck, sorry man. Did you want to introduce him as your boyfriend? Go ahead."

"It's cool, no worries." Finn shrugged, the rounds of his cheeks tinged with the slightest of blushes. "Aww, what the heck!" He squared his shoulders, standing a little taller, the corners of his mouth splitting with pride. "Hunter, this is Leo, my boyfriend."

Hunter extended his hand again for Leo to shake. “Nice to meet you. Please excuse me, I have to use the bathroom now, but we’ll talk later.”

***

"Boys." The call had come from behind them and Logan groaned low in his chest as they turned to acknowledge it.

"Wes! You made it," Finn smiled, the corners of his mouth tight. "We weren't sure you'd be able to. With all those big meetings you have to attend and such. Is your wife, Renee, wasn’t it, here? I'd love to meet her."

Something flickered in Wes' smug expression. "They stayed in California. Nate has a very busy schedule. Harvard is very important to me, as you know, so I came alone."

“Isn’t Nate three?” Logan blinked.

“You have to give them a good start if you want them to get them to get into a good college these days, I’m sure you understand. Where was it you went, Leo?"

Leo pursed his lips, letting the same calm wash over him that he channelled for interviews. “I didn’t go. I got drafted straight out of high school.”

“Oh, well, that’s a shame,” Wes said. “College isn’t for everybody though, is it?”

Logan bristled beside him, and Leo placed a placating hand on his shoulder. “Indeed,” he blinked. “I didn’t need my intelligence validated by a degree then, and I still don’t now. And I was hardly about to turn down an offer from The Gryffindor Lions now, was I?”

Wes grumbled something that sounded vaguely like an agreement before turning on his heel and walking off in a manner that Leo could only describe as petulant.

“You’re so hot,” Finn took Leo’s face between his hands and pressed a kiss to his lips. “I’m going to get a drink. Do you want another?”

“Please,” Leo nodded. Logan raised his still mostly full glass as a rejection of the offer.

“You should have let me punch him,” Logan huffed. “He would have deserved it.”

"And get blood on your shirt? Let’s leave that on the ice, shall we?” Leo tugged at the lapels of Logan’s jacket.

***

"So," Logan started as they claimed one of the low tables in the corner, a little tucked away from the rest of the room. "What do you think?"

"It's always nice seeing where you two started," Leo hummed, threading his fingers through the thin curls on the nape of Logan's neck. "I just don't know how you used to do this everyday. Live amongst all this energy. The guys all seem great, but it's a lot even now and I'm assuming you've all mellowed somewhat with age."

"I am not old," Logan scoffed. "Mais non, I agree. Wasn't always like this though. There's more than one graduating class here and we've been apart a long time. A lot of excitement."

"Sorry, sorry, I got caught up with Biscuit. He has triplets now, isn't that crazy?" Finn said, pressing a glass into Logan’s hand and setting Leo’s in front of him before flopping onto the couch opposite. "One Margarita for the fine sir."

"Thanks, Harzy," Leo laughed lightly.

"I can't believe him and Vanessa are still together," Logan hummed, taking a long sip of his drink. He leaned back, crossing his left leg over his right thigh and snaked his arm across the dark leather, brushing his fingers against Leo's shoulder. "I only introduced them because she was flirting with you at that party, the one just after we got back from winter break my junior year, and I wanted to distract her."

"Oh, so that's why you got all moody," Finn said. "She wasn't flirting, she needed help with an essay, idiot."

"The fact you remember Logan's mood on a night seven years ago says more about you than him," Leo snorted.

"First of all, Tremzy being grumpy? That's just a good guess. Second, some of us were still stupid at 20, Knutty." Finn sighed wistfully. "Hey, at least it doesn't feel like I'm being stabbed in the chest these days when I think about it. Progress, right?"

Logan tipped his glass in Finn's direction, nodding his head briefly. "I'll cheers to that."

"To -" Leo started, letting the toast die off as another of Finn and Logan's old team mates approached. He hoped the disappointment he felt wasn't written across his face; whilst he hadn't really expected to be left alone for too long, he had hoped for the brief respite to have lasted longer.

"Hey." The newcomer had his hand shoved into his pockets and his shoulders stooped, almost as if he was trying to hide himself. "I'm not interrupting anything, am I?"

"Ken!" Finn patted the empty seat next to him. "Of course not. Come, sit."

Leo extended his arm, offering his hand. "Nice to meet you. Ken was it? I'm Leo."

"Ken's what the team always called me. Don't really hear it much these days." Leo thought he saw something sad in the smile sent his way. "My real name is Obi."

"That's because you went off the radar," Logan gave a pointed look.

"About that -" Obi swiped Finn's drink, ignoring his disgruntled protest. He drained what was left of it, pulling at an non-existent loose thread on his sweater. "I wanted to say thank you, you know. For having the guts to come out. I know Black and Lupin were first, but that was forced wasn’t it. You made a choice. I know that must have been hard. It was one hell of a ballsy move."

Leo looked between Finn and Logan, expecting them to answer, but neither of them spoke. "We didn't have much of a choice, not if we didn't want to be watching our back every second of every day."

"It was still brave," Obi muttered. "I couldn't have done it."

"Ken, what are you saying?" Logan never did have much patience for others taking their time to get to the point, even though he was a fan of the scenic route himself.

"They gave you a whole Harvard degree and you need to ask that question?" Obi huffed a laugh. "I'm gay. I met Marco, my now husband at the end of senior year, and freaked out. I didn't know how to make these two worlds work, so I didn't. I moved to DC with him, and started a new life. I'm an accountant, he works in marketing. We have four rats, and a Vizsla called Poppy. It's all very domestic. I love it, but I was a coward.”

"You're not a coward. You don't owe that information to anybody, Ken. Not the others, not the media, not the NHL and not us. Not now, not then, not ever.” Finn took a breath, holding up his finger to signal he wasn’t finished. “Besides, it's not as if Lo and I planned this. We went into this with every intention of stuffing this deep, deep into the depths of denial, never for anybody to find out. Including ourselves. And then Nutty came along.”

Obi smiled at Leo, turning his attention back to Finn. "When did you become Gay Yoda?"

"I spend way too much time in our psych's office. Just spreading the wisdom. Heather would be proud."

"Do the others know?" Logan asked.

"Not yet, I think I'd like them to though."

Logan shifted, leaning forward in his seat. "There's no rush, Ken. We've got your back, whatever you decide."

"So, do you have photos?" Leo cocked his head. "We got to show off. Now it's your turn. Even if it's only for us."

"Of Marco?"

"I'm sure he's wonderful, but I was actually talking about Poppy. And the rats," Leo teased.

There were moments when Leo wondered whether they had made the right decision. When he was playing in front of hostile crowds, or fending off stupid media questions, or blocking bigots on twitter. And then there were moments when he knew the decision they had made was 100% perfect. Right now, that was one of those moments.

[heyyylittlemo]

Small details in 19 Days that keep me up at night

((That I feel rarely gets talked about))

-Mo Guan Shan & The Zodiac Magazine

This chapter was pretty early on in 19days—So that must mean Mo Guan Shan has done this a lot more since, right??😳 and he didn’t even rlly know HT that well at this point so...he must be in heat on the low for HT by now 🥵🥵

So it canonically confirms at least a base physical attraction from the start—and c’mon if this isn’t the most relatable thing ever. Soon as I get an attraction to someone I’m a bit piqued to find out their zodiac. Mo Guan Shan’s hidden curiosity for HT is lwk so cute.

It def suggests that MGS has an under the surface lvl (where he can’t even detect it) pull to understand and get closer to HT.

Mo Guan Shan dreaming of He Tian

I know it was passed off like a “joke” and a “nightmare” but cmon this gay as hawlll

Who DOESN’T dream of their crush?? Dreams usually are about things we heavily think about and/or what we thought about before bed—and I can’t help but to think OX was onto smth

Not to mention, this has high bottom-denial energy. Literally. Like he was soooo trying to avoid getting a shot at the docs bc it was in his ass, why??? Like sir...ur fragile masculinity that was created from ur inner homophobia towards ur own bottom reality was def crashing at that second

N Why he got pain in his tushy??? In this dream?? N ppl bullying him like that abt it lmaoo who irl be saying those things?? Things like “aren’t in the guy who got a shot in ur ass” and “haha I’d like to see you with ur ass in the air~” even tho the translation and the way it was written can be said to mean that these bullies are literally finding it funny that his ass was in the air I have a feeling it was censored and rephrased to hint at its actual implications,, I feel like these guys were actually trying to jokingly solicit Mo in gay acts thru him bottoming—in reaction to the needle butt-scenario. I feel like OX wants us to read between the lines.

And if you see it that way, it really makes it seem like Mo is having a sexuality crisis here. And I think it’s what OX was building up to around that time bcuz it was around after the kiss happened.

It rlly makes me believe MGS genuinely thinks getting a shot in his ass will somehow societally and with unspoken words “expose” him and miraculously express to others that he likes it up the ass—bcuz u cannot tell me that dream and what those bullies were saying weren’t his damn paranoia demons talking

I think a dream interpreter could stretch it enough to say that the bullies are a metaphor of his own insecurities towards his homosexuality and particularly towards his upcoming bottoming feelings. Like he’s legit scared of a hospital needle in his butt—this is not straight behavior. And then we have He Tian to the rescue—(and do you see his look and his flirtatious line) and omg he’s gripping the shit out of his ass in the dream. He’s both being bullied for his bottom-ness and guilty-pleasure getting one rubbed out by He Tian. Like ok, have ur cake and eat it then bitch.

Mo Guan Shan Staring at He Tian

This was a moment leading up to the kiss. MGS was staring (probably admiring while also judging and heating up over HT) He Tian while he was playing BSKTBall—and As a BL writer myself can’t help but to think HT noticed MGS very not-straightly stare at him with a sort of sexual attraction he had towards him on the field.

Like cmon?? I doubt OX writes lines like these for no reason.

I feel like...at least irl...The eyes usually give it away if someone is interested in you or not. you can always see if someone is checking you out and noticing you in a different light like it just has different vibe and feel to it. OX was def trying to show and not tell with this panel that MGS has noticed HT and stares at him in the way we all hope he does. We don’t really get to see and (and I guess it keeps us on our toes and keeps us wondering if the little redhead could actually be falling for HT)—so it’s very subtle, but it is there, and once you notice it you’re like d a m n this makes the kiss scene so much more hopeful (at least for me).

I think this was the push that gave HT hopes to kiss MGS in the first place and it gets overlooked. How do you think HT own curiosity peeked? I think as a community we often think abt Mo and how he developed feelings or will develop feelings for HT but rarely do we ever questions The Who what when where and how He Tian came to like Mo himself. I have my own feelings about them that I can’t explain in this post, least it gets off-topic, but I think it’s very important.

I think his comment “Do I really disgust you that much” makes more sense in this context, of MGS giving HT some reassurance through non-verbal ques. HT was already under the impression that MGS was egging him on with his staring so it can warrant some of He Tian’s confusion. HT probably is pursuing MGS bc he probably senses some lvl of homosexual tension from Mo, and it’s exciting to him. Not only that, but MGS is exciting in his character. So I think HT was also relatively new to this venture and kinda spontaneously kissed Mo out of his own curioustes to explore their attractions and to get a grasp of what Mo was feeling.

It also makes me think HT and MGS experienced some undeniable pleasure or unspoken moment that could not be denied within the kiss as attraction and when MGS then decided to go agaisnt that with violence it only further hit HT, who knew MGS was lying to himself. I mean, it’s a classic BL moment. The two kiss, obviously feel smth (probably couldn’t show much of that due to censorship so had to pass it along as a 100% unsatisfactory exchange) and then one, feeling too much all at once and isn’t comfortable with their confirmed suspensions abt their sexuality—denies everything to the other causing further tensions especially sense both know how eachother really feel despite the others denial. And then the rejected one downplays the kiss’ seriousness to soothe their ego knowing full well the kiss meant smth. So they both internalize what the other said and both feel rejected, but both actually liked it. It’s a classic.

I truly feel that if it wasn’t due to censorship, that the kissing scene would’ve looked a lot more consensual than so forceful and wrong. Like it would’ve been taken as an tension filled “experimentation” that we see a lot in BLs and it only further ties into why MGS would be so bashful whenever the kiss is mentioned, and why HT can use it As a leverage over Mo (“don’t make me kiss you again”) bcuz it brings them back to thy moment where HT experienced some “answer” between Mo and that answer was fulfilling even tho it cannot be fulfilled and probably HT is hoping that maybe one day if he teases him enough about it they can share another kiss one that is a lot less rushed and now that they are closer, will lead to a better result.

Anyways those are my speculations. And I actually have written a short story based on these assumptions(focused on the kiss—and it’s also leading up to a jealously fic) but ofc I haven’t written it in ahwile haha. Just thought it was worth sharing since I noticed 19 days has been updating pretty “eh” lately.

[qianoir]

IT3D 2 - Galaga vs. ET

𝐏𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: college students!WayV x Chinese fem!reader

𝐆𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: non-idol au, college au

𝐑𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠: 18+ (Do not interact if you are under 18)

𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: heavy cursing (censored), mentions of sex, nudity, love octogon, foreign humor, overbearing parents

♡ 𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 2.2k

𝐓𝐚𝐠 𝐋𝐢𝐬𝐭: @eggbutnotyolk @d1nne @fanficbitchwhowriteskpop @staysstrays

Preview < 1 < 2 < 3

Your stomach started to churn during the lesson so you pulled out a handful of white rabbit candy from the front pocket of your bag. There was more candy than school supplies in your bag so you generously handed a few each to Xiaojun and Kun, whose empty tummies thanked you greatly. The professor soon closed the lecture and the three of you headed out together.

"I don't suppose either of you guys have dance next?" You ask the two boys with a slight laugh.

Both shook their heads. Kun pulled out his schedule, "I have biology." Xiaojun was searching for something or someone behind you as he spoke, "My next class isn't until 2. I'm gonna go try to find one of my other friends. I'll see you guys later?" Kun and you farewelled Xiaojun’s take off.

"Come on, I'll walk you to the dance studio." Kun offered his arm, which you accepted. "You know where dance class is, but you aren't in it?" Kun shook his head, "One of my friends takes dance, as well. He got so lost this morning, I had to help him find the hall."

"Wow I wish I had a friend like you four hours ago.." You told him, remembering Xuejiao and her useless a.ss. Kun smiled, "He should still be in there. He has like 3 dance classes mixed in his schedule." You took note of this and unlinked your arm from Kun's as he delivered you to the dance hall. "Thank you for walking me."

"No problem. I'll catch you around. Good luck!" Kun waved good-bye as you walked into the studio. Immediately, you were hit with shocking sound waves and saw a few very skilled dancers performing some contemporary urban routine. You walked along the far wall to the back corner of the room to put your stuff down then unpacked your dance clothes and walked into the dressing rooms.

Dressing rooms in China are usually very strictly organized to separate genders. The room you walked into did not clearly decipher what gender it was made for, so you could only hope you chose the correct one. You turned a corner housing unoccupied lockers and.. a man fully clothed in ballet attire.. thankfully. The beautiful Asian man looked up from fixing his tights.

"I'm so sorry I thought this was the women's dressing room!" You stuttered, blushing in uncomfy embarrassment.

The man chuckled at you and stood up straight. "You're fine. Everything on this campus is co-ed." He said with a small eye roll. "Oh.. that's a little.. discomforting.." You said, dragging your eyes to the floor to avoid staring at the beautiful man's beautiful body.

He pointed to your dance clothes. "You're taking ballet?" You nodded. "So am I. The class is about to start.. you should get ready quickly." He walked past you, out into the studio.

The strange encounter gave you chills. You wondered if he was the friend Kun mentioned. After all, he was the fourth Asian guy you had seen today. Am I just like a magnet for cute Asian boys?

Taking his advice, you quickly got dressed and slipped out into the dance room where the instructor was already giving his new term speech. You tried to attract as little attention as possible as you walked to sit in an empty space on the floor, which was a little further ahead from the boy you previously met.

"So enough about myself, let's go around the room and have each of you introduce yourself and tell us about your dance background. Starting with blondie over there." The instructor points to a pretty girl with dyed blonde hair.

"Hi, I'm Hyo Yeon Kim, I'm from Incheon, South Korea and I have been dancing mainly hip hop since I was seven years old."

The class claps and this continues for every student. Then it's his turn. He sits up straight and waves around the room as he introduces himself.

"Hi, I'm Sicheng Dong. I'm from Wenzhou, China and I have specialized in traditional Chinese dance since I was 10 years old."

So Sicheng is his name..

Suddenly, the studio door bursts open with a petite Asian boy panting like he just ran the Great Wall.

"S.. sorry.. I'm late.. I slept through the alarms.. I never set." The boy fixes his dance clothes which were thrown carelessly over his body.

"That's ok, son. Come in and introduce yourself and tell us about your dance history." The instructor motions for him to join the group. The boy suddenly has so much energy and brightly greets us, waving his hand high in the air.

"Hi everyone!! My name is Chittaphon “Ten" Leechaiyapornkul! I'm from Bangkok, Thailand and I have been dancing since the womb!!" Everyone laughs at his personality, except Sicheng, who just rolls his eyes, but still smiles at the bubbly boy. Ten takes a seat on the floor next to Sicheng who offers him a hi-five. I guess all the Asians keep it tight here, huh?

"We're almost done, you there, go ahead." The instructor points to you and you straighten your spine before speaking.

"Hi, I'm Y/N. I'm from Hong Kong and I have been dancing contemporary ballet since I was eight years old."

"Very good, Y/N. I think you will fit in nicely with our ballet class." The instructor nods at you before addressing the whole class, "Right, so we will continue to get into actual dancing in the next class. Thank you all for showing up, even if not on time." Everyone turns to Ten who just smiles cheekily in return. "Class dismissed."

You pick yourself up from the floor and decide to wait until everyone has changed to change yourself, since the idea of co-ed dressing rooms still doesn't sit well in your mind. While you wait in the corner, Ten and Sicheng walk towards you.

“Y/N, right?" Ten asks. "Yes, that's me." You smile. "We should hang out sometime! We have a whole clique of native Chinese friends you could be a part of."

"Actually I think I may have already met some of them. Do you know Dejun Xiao and Kun Qian?"

Ten nods enthusiastically. "Wow small world! I'll add you to a group chat with all of us. Give me your phone!" Ten takes your phone from your hands and starts typing your number on his own. The device is suddenly buzzing with new message notifications as it is returned to your hands.

"I can't be late to my next class- we can meet up later! See you, Y/N!!” Ten rushes out of the studio, leaving you and Sicheng alone in the corner.

"Sorry if he scared you. He can be a bit hyper." Sicheng says with a small grin. You wave him off, "It's fine. You should go change now."

"Are you waiting for me to change so you can be alone in the dressing room?" You stay silent. "If you've been taking dance classes since you were eight, you should learn that going out of your comfort zone is essential." Sicheng teases, but offers another option, "There is a better place to change if you're that uncomfortable with it, come on."

Sicheng leads you into the dressing room where you are met with various colors of boobs and a.ss cracks. You just look up and let Sicheng guide the rest of the way. You hear him giggle at your flushed face. You arrive at a spatial closet that is filled with hi-tech film equipment. "This is one of the theatre storage closets. Xiaojun and I hang out here a lot."

Sicheng looks around the room while you stand there, bag in hand and ready to change. His eyes land on you awaiting awkwardly in front of him and he realizes, "Oh sorry! I'll leave you to change." Sicheng apologizes and rushes out of the closet. You laugh at the quirkiness of the cute boy and start getting dressed up again.

Walking out of the storage closet, you see Sicheng waiting in the empty dressing room. He holds up your schedule as he notices you coming out. "You dropped this and I couldn't help but see you're free for a couple of hours. I was wondering if you wanted to get lunch with me and the rest of the guys in the group chat Ten added you to? My treat." He says, handing back your schedule.

You stuff the paper back into your bag, "I would love to."

"Awesome. Let's go."

The two of you walked around the campus and met up with five other Asian guys by the sculpted fountains, three of them being Xiaojun, Kun, and Ten. Xiaojun and Kun noticed you immediately. "Hey nice to see you again. I see you've met Winwin and Ten." You look at Xiaojun confused. "Winwin?"

"That's my nickname." Sicheng blushes. "You can call me 'Win.' It sounds manlier." He puffs his chest a little.

“Y/N, this is Lucas and Hendery. Hendery is from Macau and Lucas is from Hong Kong, like you!" Kun introduced you and Lucas gave you a hi-five, "Waaah what's up, little Hong Konger!?" You laugh as his hi-five pulls you into a bro-hug, where your face painfully smacks into his hard chest. "It's been a while since I've met someone from my hometown. What are you doing in America?" Lucas asked you.

"My parents wanted me to attend an Ivy League to become the best doctor in Hong Kong, so here I am with painful irony." You answered. "Cool, cool. I'm studying animal biology. I love animals, especially puppies."

"You are a puppy!" Ten calls out and everyone agrees. "We actually have a dog and two cats hidden in our dorm, but don't tell the DA." Lucas puts a finger to his lips.

"GUYS LOOK WHAT I JUST SCORED! THEY'RE GIVING OUT FREE CONDOMS!!"

The annoying, orange-haired, Taiwanese kid from your chem class ran to all of you with like 20 unopened condoms in his hands. All of the guys facepalmed and you just rolled your eyes at more of his immature behavior. Yangyang’s eyes fell on you and hid all of the condoms behind his back as he screeched, "What the hell guys!? Why did you invite a chick to hang out with us?? We can't have a girl knowing our manly secrets!"

"B!tch, you and I both know those aren't going to fit your 5’8” a.ss." You motioned to the golden X-tra large rubbers hiding behind his back. The guys except Yangyang laughed when his face started turning red, proving the accuracy of your assumptions.

"You two know each other?" Asked Xiaojun. "We have a.. history." Yangyang narrowed his eyes at you, stuffing the condoms into his backpack without breaking visual contact. "Get over yourself. We only met this morning." You scoffed. The young boy stuck his tongue out at me like he had done once before.

"Let's go eat. I'm starving." Hendery groans.

The group walks to the dining hall where different restaurants are catered to the students and staff. It was decided to eat at a Hawaiian rooftop grill. You sat near the edge with a great view of Manhattan. Winwin sat on your right with Lucas and Kun next to him. Xiaojun sat across from you with Hendery and Yangyang on his side, and Ten at the front of the long table. You looked over the menu placed in your hands.

"Get whatever you want, ok?" Win told you and you complied with thanks. The guys ordered a bunch of food for the table as well as for themselves; you ordered a simple ahi tuna poke bowl.

Upon the food’s arrival, Kun starts a conversation. "How is everyone's first day going?"

"My professor hit my wrist with a ruler because I said Galaga sucked." Yangyang answered. "You had it coming. You think ET: The Video Game should have made a comeback." Xiaojun attacked.

"None of you fools gave ET a chance." Yangyang crossed his arms and looked away.

"My calc professor ate an egg and bacon biscuit from Tim Hortons, then fell asleep." Win said as he stuffed his cheeks with macaroni salad.

"Did he ever wake up?" You wheezed and asked him.

"No."

"Hendery what's on your neck?"

"He got that good-good on the first day- my man!" Yangyang said with his cheeks full.

"Some kid in my aerophysics class launched a bottle rocket into my neck. It really hurts." Hendery replied, rubbing the sore area.

"D.amn."

...

"This dude in my psych class kinda packing no homo." Everyone groaned at Xiaojun’s comment, Ten just smiled and beamed him up.

Everyone finished eating and you offered to pay for yourself, but Winwin wouldn't allow it. You all walked back to the fountains you had met up. Yangyang, Hendery, and Kun left for their next class together. "What do you have next?" Win asked you. "I have biology." You replied.

"Oh you're with us!" You looked over at Lucas and Ten. Turning back to Winwin, "I'll see you later. Maybe we could have a movie night sometime this week, just you and me?" He proposed. "Sure. That sounds fun. Also thank you for buying me lunch, it was yummy." Win smiled at you. "No problem. I'll text you tonight." You nodded and parted ways with the lovely boy who walked with Xiaojun- the other lovely boy.

You walked off with the three Chinese boys, not looking forward to biology, but glad to spend the hour with your cool new friends.

To be continued…

*DA = dorm advisor

𝘲𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘰𝘪𝘳

[the-bjd-community-confess]

Mod: Many confessions about the tagging and grooming topic, CW for pedophilia/grooming mentions

1. it's really creepy how many people think it's a-ok to not watch over their own childrens online activity, and leave it all in the hands of strangers. as if me not posting my dolls tiddy pics, which i post for myself and other grown ups like me, is going to stop actual pedos from trying to reach out to children. honestly sounds more like those people trying to police us, we who mind our own business, care more about our business, than actually protecting children from real groomers and pedos.

~Anonymous

2. Children in adult spaces = Really shitty parents/guardians who don't give a fuck about what their childrens do. Idk but Imo if they get into adult spaces that are clearly labelled thusly, something their guardians are responsible they don't do, then Idwk what else kinda adult spaces they lie to get into. Like, even if the entire hobby was super strict to the point of demanding your ID to prove adulthood, those kids are still gonna lie about it, and try and get into spaces not for them.

~Anonymous

3. "grow up and take responsibility" anon, no, fragile artist dolls for 600$ aren't "for kids". Bjds aren't for kids. They are mostly popular with young adults. If doll have a sex toy on a photo but it's still a bjd, then I will tag it as a bjd. Kids who don't know what a sex toy is - shouldn't be on Instagram. If they are there, it's not my responsibility to keep them safe. Grow up and monitor your kids yourself.

~Anonymous

4. What is it with people recently trying to parentify absolute random adults on the interwebs? Can you just not? If you tag your shit appropriately, with the Nsfw or Sfw tags, and make sure you don't post nsfw in spaces that don't allow it, like discord servers, then that's being responsible. What more do people even want? Screening every follower, every commenter, and person liking your posts? You literally can't do more than tag your posts, what else you gonna do? Report? GOOD LUCK WITH THAT!

~Anonymous

5. cannot believe i'm typing this, or that this even needs to be said, but apparently that's just the world we live in now, so here we go: a random person posting content with tags on their own page and minding their own business is not a form of passive grooming. you cannot passively groom someone. that's not how any of this works.

~Anonymous

6. teens will be traumatized by me posting pictures of my anime doll with big boobs: a normal, healthy take

~Anonymous

7. Hmmmm no, still not my responsibility to be mindful of the kids if they wander onto the BJD tag and see stuff like Angelphilia dolls and other nsfw content. BJDs are marketed, bought, and sold by adults, for adults, it’s a fact about this hobby. And if a kid makes their way to somewhere where these dolls are being displayed, it’s not my job to censor myself to appease being “safe” for them that wasn’t supposed to include them in the first place. I get not everyone is into NSFW stuff and that’s ok, but stop trying to make a space for kids in a hobby that’s not made for them

~Anonymous

8. my good bitch i do not live my life assuming that children are walking around stacked three in a trenchcoat so they can sneak into my clearly delineated adults-only space and i refuse to change my behavior for straw children who aren't as vulnerable, impressionable, or common as certain people seem to think they are. i have 'grown the hell up' -- and that's why i'm posting content for the other adults to enjoy, tagged and with a pre-roll content warning to boot. if you click next, that's on you.

~Anonymous

9. Listen, if it ain’t Monster High dolls, Everafter High, Barbie, Rainbow high, aka dolls that were marketed FOR kids that have adult fans, then it’s not our responsibility to make a “safe space for kids” for the BJD community. There can be non-NSFW chats for the teens who want to know about the hobby and forums and whatever and that’s fine, but don’t expect everyone to fall in line with your “think of the children!!” crusade.

~Anonymous

10. the way some of you people act is insane “it’s up to parents to control their kids” do you think parents can or even SHOULD monitor their kids 24/7? do you think children shouldnt have bedroom doors either? you don’t have to “babysit” minors but you sure as hell can acknowledge and understand that kids are curious and it’s your duty to shield them from that as much as you can. you people have no empathy for children whatsoever i stg. why not put the energy you use up complaining about ~babysitting other people’s children~ into not being freaks in public spaces 🙄

~Anonymous

11 .the people arguing that no one can post horny/sexy on main dolls because children might see them are the exact same demographic of people who've been hounding lil nas x for releasing a sex bomb like montero even though his first big hit, old town road, was popular with children. creators are frequently creating for themselves -- not for you, or your kids. it's not up to them to curtail their freedom of expression because a child might see it. just leave adult content creators in peace, christ.

~Anonymous

[rantaire]

i’ve watched approximately 4 episodes of supernatural but when you live on tumblr for years you are always spn-adjacent. we have no choice but to absorb it by osmosis because it’s just that massive. i feel like i know a lot about the show from fandom, and many of my fandom friends were in it at some point. i also work in entertainment media so i’ve been tracking all the updates in its final year. and i have to say that even after years of disappointments from movies and tv, this one seems particularly egregious? 

here’s the thing. there’s so often a divide between the fever-dream of shipping and what we actually get in canon. and we know this. we’re not stupid, or gullible. people in fandom engage with the narrative on a level most critics could never dream.

even though many of us recognize that our beloved ships from giant properties won’t go canon because they are embedded in giant global blockbusters created by megacorporations, in recent years there seems to also be a trend of bad endings that not only work to crush these ships but make for awful storytelling and act dismissive of their own canon. and I’m tired of it.

maybe steve/bucky would never happen, but steve abandoning his traumatized best friend that he’d fought actual wars for in order to go back in time for a woman who moved on with her life without him? crap. star wars not even attempting finnpoe despite the actors’ encouragement, and giving poe a random half-assed love interest because, oh look, a girl? we can be angry about these things, and we can and should demand better and broader representation. if nothing else, at least tell a better story.

why spn’s finale feels so unsettling to me as a non-fan is that even i came to believe the tide might be turning, just a little bit. fandom is more mainstream and recognized than ever. our ships and our transformative works are discussed in big media outlets. actors and creatives acknowledge fic and retweet fanart. actors and creatives acknowledge how vital it is for people to see themselves reflected and represented in media. and it seemed to me, as a sideline observer, that supernatural appreciated its fanbase and understood how important dean and castiel’s relationship was, and how beloved castiel was as a character on his own. to have him not appear in the last episode at all is unconscionable to me, and i have never seen him in an episode! this is how much impact the character had that’s filtered down.

i watched the reactions a few weeks ago of mixed euphoria and dismay after castiel’s love confession and subsequent disappearance into “super hell.” that didn’t seem great, message-wise, but it was a step that felt significant, it meant a lot to many people, and it probably would not have happened without fandom and their tireless cheerleading and enthusiasm. it seemed like maybe they were really building to something.

and so even though i knew in my dead withered critic’s heart of hearts that we wouldn’t be getting a destiel kiss, i thought that spn might be brave enough to give their fans a final gift—a thanks for everything. have dean and cas drive off in that damned car whose name i know because i live on tumblr. end with them smiling at each other. something. i know the pandemic came into play, but other actors appeared, and even castiel’s voice could have been literally phoned in.

instead, from the anger and pain and incredulous memes i’m seeing from people across social media, it appears that what the show delivered was an ending so unfitting it was like a parody of an end. they threw the baby out with the bathwater. it’s incredibly disappointing, and it feels cowardly to me. you don’t have to make a ship canon just to appease fandom. but your fans deserve a better story for their characters after fifteen years. 

spn was uniquely positioned because it’s old as balls. most of the people still watching have seen it all and would have been up for anything good. the creatives could have done pretty much whatever they wanted. this isn’t a case of disney or international censors breathing down their neck. instead, they appear to have taken the easy way out of a lackluster finale written by folks who probably high-fived themselves for poignancy and half-assed twists and got paid more money than any of us will ever see for it. that’s boring, and it’s passé, and it didn’t have to be this way.

sometimes a property like she-ra can swoop in and save the day by delivering what fans want most. but she-ra was also made by people who came out of and understood fandom culture and just how much representation means to people. how much emotional investment and time and energy we’ve put into characters and their lives. why they matter. and it should stand as an example of what to do next.

if there’s a takeaway for all of this, it’s that we can’t and shouldn’t trust “mainstream” productions to do anything that we want in terms of representation. even if they’re uniquely positioned. even if they tease. even if they say they understand. even if they say they’ll do better next time. they’ll keep throwing pieces of bones, but they will almost always keep disappointing us. and they’re not even creating good art along the way. i know a dozen spn fic writers who could’ve written a vastly better ending to the show and i’m sure there are thousands. 

we need to create the stories we want to see. in fic and fanart and transformative works, yes, but also (and i say this to myself as well), write that book. write that script. draw your graphic novel. film a movie in your backyard tomorrow because it sounds like anything we produce right now will be more inspired and more important to each other than the scraps we get from distant studios who are only vaguely aware that we’re alive and buying their merchandise. and i want to buy your books, watch your scripts, frame your art. i want to be able to invest in the stories we want to see told.

i love what we make for each other, and we should keep doing that, more furiously than ever. and if you want to, if you dream of it, you should push to create on a broader scale. you already know that you’re a better creative than a lot of people who are generating the “hits.” i can’t wait to see what you make. and fuck supernatural’s finale.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #435

from yesterday, don’t feel like updating the answers. :^)

When you get married what do you think you’ll put most of your focus and money into? Uhhh. I really don't know... I mean maybe doing all I can do avoid debt? That's what my parents mostly argued about, and I know financial strain can really affect a couple. I never want that burden. Who in your life causes you the most stress or negative feelings? My damn self. Have you ever had a teacher that also taught your parents? No; my parents didn't grow up here. Wait! I THINK Mom had one of my college professors? I don't recall for sure, and I definitely don't remember who it was. Are you the type of person who seeks out revenge? Nah. Are there any songs that inspire you? Certainly, such as "Life Won't Wait" by Ozzy Osbourne, "Get Up" by Shinedown, and more. How do you feel about celebrities getting involved in politics? Do you think that the celebrity world and the political world should be kept apart? Not at all; everyone has the right to share their opinion and should not feel like it's necessary to censor it. Let them be people with morals and beliefs, too. I'm totally fine with them CHOOSING to be quiet about controversial subjects, but they're more than welcome to share their thoughts on any topic. What is one pro of living where you do, and what is one con? What is a pro and a con of living where you wished you lived? I guess the only real pro (and this is horrible to be the first thought) is that we're under the radar; like, not really a target for terrorism or anything, lol. I'd get kinda nervous if I lived in, like, Washington D.C. or something. We have A LOT of cons: there is NOTHING to do, we're essentially a hub for crime, the scenery is boring and bland as fuck... I could go on for a long time. I'd love to live in many areas in North America, but I'll go with Alaska, since that would absolute RULE. A strong pro would definitely be the cold climate and the sights, but it would definitely be a con to me when that relentless dark era lasts for months on end. I need the sun (from inside anyway, ha ha) sometimes, because it being dark for what, half a year?, would really damage my happiness. What is your favorite episode of your favorite TV show? Referring to Meerkat Manor, it's actually the one where Mozart dies, I think, even though it destroyed my heart. I just think the writer portrayed it as so beautifully tragic, and the clips shown were so pretty. Does having others watch you do things make you uncomfortable? What sorts of things make you extremely uncomfortable if you are watched while doing them? Are there any things that give you confidence to do if you have an audience? ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY. Do NOT watch me on the computer (especially when writing), I literally will not draw if someone's watching (inevitably besides in Art classes, I think Sara is legit the only person who's watched me draw a bit), I really don't like people watching me edit photography, I'm nooot a fan of others seeing me exercise (though I kinda have to suck that up with having a personal trainer), etc. etc. Just don't watch me do anything, lol. I don't know what actually boosts my confidence if I'm being observed. Does someone in your house speak a different language on a regular basis? No. Do you follow or care about any big sports events? Not at all. Are there any activities people normally do together that you prefer doing alone? Hm. I dunno. If you are going somewhere where you’ll have to wait for a while (i.e. a doctor’s office), do you bring something to occupy yourself? My phone, yeah. How long is your favorite song? I checked, and it's almost six minutes. Do you think you’d ever want to be “internet famous”? I'll admit I've somewhat thought about it, only because my career choices are running so dry, and I'd be able to do it alone. However, I've got noooo idea what I'd actually do, and I also don't think I could handle ridicule or anything like that for any reason. Having a spotlight on me would stress me out. Who was the main cook of your Thanksgiving meal last year? My older sister. What moment in your life have you been most scared? Probably this one occasion where Dad had to pick my sister and me up from school one day and make the 30-minute drive home. Well. He was clearly in a hellish mood because he was flying. He ran stop signs and red lights, passed people illegally... I was in the passenger's seat and absolutely convinced we were going to crash. I can barely believe we didn't. Who was the last person you slow danced with? -_- Do you prefer headphones or earbuds? Earbuds. I like how they block out external sound better, and they don't hurt my ears like headphones do. What person/people do you trust the most? My mom. Who in your life do you care about more than yourself? My parents, sisters, my nieces and nephew, Sara... A lot of people, if I'm being honest. I don't value my life as much as I should. Which wild animal would you most like to have as a pet? I am DESPERATE to rescue an opossum one day. :''''( What teacher did all the high school boys/girls have a crush on? I have no idea. Have you ever felt seriously violated? No. Do you watch American Horror Story? I adore(d) the first season; it was mine and Jason's "show." We watched most of season two as well, but I lost interest in the later half of it. I haven't really watched it since, save for the pilot episode of some season I forgot. Does your hometown have any urban legends/scary stories? Not to my knowledge. What’s the scariest nightmare you remember having? Something involving my dad that I won't speak about. Pancakes or French toast? Oh my god, French toast. That sounds delicious rn. Are there any apps you’re addicted to? Not addicted, nah. Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? Yes; it was a bunny holding a multicolor polka-dotted blanket. Do you still collect stuffed animals? Hell yeah. Have you ever had eggs cooked over a campfire? No. What colors of mascara have you worn on your lashes? Just black. What font do you usually use? I mean, it depends on what I'm doing. Is it supposed to appear professional? Aesthetically pleasing? It varies too much to answer this with one font. What about font colors? Usually just black, but again, it depends on what I'm writing. Are you good at making graphics or designing layouts? Ha, no. Do you put gel or mousse in your hair? No. Sleep with just one pillow? No, I use two. I am VERY uncomfortable with just one. Ever woke up crying? Yeah, from nightmares. Do you like big dogs or small dogs better? It depends on the breed and their energy level. I don't really prefer one over the other as a general judgment. Are you going to graduate high school on time? I did. Been to the zoo lately? No, but I'd love to go. :/ Now that I'd consider myself at least a pretty decent photographer, I'd love to see what shots I could take. I LOVE photographing animals with how unpredictable they are. It's like playing the lottery; you really don't know what you're going to get, but you have the chance for seriously priceless moments. Even if we could afford the trip, though, I know I wouldn't last long whatsoever with my legs being as weak as gelatine. I know especially that there's a notable incline in the path, and I'd never make it up it. I really, really look forward to the day where I can really start feeling a difference in my body thanks to the gym. Have you ever been to Mississippi? No. What did you do for your last birthday? We went to The Cheesecake Factory. Do you like to cook? No. What is the worst thing that has happened to you in your entire life? If I'm looking at the big picture and what truly damaged my pleasure in life the most, it'd be developing depression and such intense anxiety. I've given up so much and changed so negatively because of it. Do you know when your next family reunion will be? We've never had one. My family is too spread out. What is your favorite thing to do with your significant other? I'm single, but even in a relationship, I love playing video games together. I've got multiple memories of just having a great time doing that. Where is “home” for you? Wherever Mom is. Is there an animal that creeps you out? Whale sharks, maggots and other bug larvae, centipedes, many beetles, and some other bugs. What is the name of the last band you discovered? Uhhh.. good question. I admittedly don't listen to new music a lot. I tend to stick to the stuff I know. Do you prefer group projects, or would you prefer to work alone? I would rather kick my ankle against a Razer scooter than do a group project. Have you ever been to Hooters? No. Do you have a brother? What’s his name? Yeah, Robert, but everyone calls him "Bobby." Have you ever thought that your life was so bad you wanted to give up? About a billion times. I still do sometimes. Do you have a ceiling fan located in your bedroom? Yes. Have you ever been in a lighthouse? No, but I was supposed to visit one in the fourth grade. The water was way too aggressive that day, though, so we had a change of plans and went to a closer island. Hell, it might have been the better option, because it had horses. I remember collecting seashells, too, and just watching the power of the ocean hammer at the shores. It was really pretty. Have you ever been bitten by an animal? Only playfully, like by a cat. Well wait, I think my old baby iguana may have bitten me once (he sure tried to, ha ha), but I don't remember for sure. Did it rain today? Yes. It rains pretty much every afternoon here in the late summer. What was the name of the last dog you pet? Zeke, my sister's German shepherd. He's adorable. Has your luggage ever been lost at the airport? Did you get it back? No. Do you have certain friends that you hug every time you see them? I pretty much always hug my friends when I see them. I'm a big hugger. Have you ever witnessed a tornado? No, thank the fucking Lord. Who is your favorite person to talk to when you’re down? Sara. What are you listening to right now? "Blood For Blood" by Powerwolf. Can you get over people easy? Hell no. I do NOT handle loss well AT ALL. And not just romantically. What was the last thing you carried to your room? A drink. Do you drink water that comes from your sink? Only once it's been filtered. Have you ever prank called the police? That is fucking awful. No. What’s your LEAST favorite smiley? XD looks so stupid to me I'm sorry lmao xD reigns supreme. Do you like Italian food? Yeah, more than I used to. Have you ever put red lipstick on just to make lip marks on something? No. Do you watch Shane Dawson on YouTube? Isn't his career pretty much toast now? I DID used to love his videos, though. I still occasionally watch his fiance, though, and he pops up sometimes. Regardless of everything, I still think he's funny as fuck. Would you ever spend a day to see what it’s like to be homeless? NOOOOOOO NO NO NO NO. I am TERRIFIED of living on the streets someday. I want NO idea what it's like. Is the house you’re currently living in over 50 years old? I highly doubt that. Have you ever had a yard sale? Many. What is your favorite color? Baby pink. Did you have a good day or a bad day? Today was extreeeemely dull and felt like it lasted eons. Do you know anyone that has/had cancer? I sadly know maaaaany. Have you ever read somebody else’s diary? No, that is incredibly rude. Do you enjoy going to school? I hated it from start to end. Like I have good memories, but overall, I hated school. Were you a big jump roper back in the day? OHHHH YES. I almost learned how to double-dutch, even. I could jump with two ropes, but not jump in with two. Are you a local celebrity? Definitely not. Do you eat candy daily? No. I'm already fat dude, I don't need candy. I avoid candy as best as I can. Do you get nervous with public speaking? Like you would not believe. How old were you when you got your driver's license (if you have it)? I'm 25 and still don't have it. Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you? Yes. What memory are you most afraid of losing? Meh, I don't know. A lot of what I consider my "favorite" memories I'd honestly be better off losing, probably. Who accompanied you to your first concert? My mom, younger sister, and Jason. Would you rather have tickets to see your favorite band in concert, or $100 to go shopping? TAKE ME TO THE OZZY CONCERT. What do you usually eat for breakfast? It really varies. I'd say cereal most often, probably? Do you wish you were more outgoing? Yeah. Do you know anyone who wears a hearing aid? I don't think so?

[bluebox-42]

I'm going to embarrass myself for science

I did shots for my 21st birthday. And decided to take notes because that's what I do. Here are the completely unaltered notes. May they be useful for writing or at least enjoyable to read.

Personal experience:

Coordination definitely shot but my instinct is that it isn’t, def. bad

There is a layer between and the world, might be nice if I didn’t crave a sense of control

-I meant between me and the world, is that my coordingation not working or something else?

Less instinct to censor, but still an ability

-might be cause I don’t want to get super drunk and am therefore not experiencing maximum drunkenness, but if my character has high tolerance might be fine

-also people might just take alcohol as an excuse

Thank god for autocorrect, again the lack of coordingation is real even I my instinct is that it is not

-later addition: might be interesting storywise? Maybe not

-is that a autism thing (thing took three tries to spell) or a practicing metacognition thing being able to tell I mean

-not having double vision, is that a real thing? Do autistic people not have it?

-I am having trouble tracking, prob. Because my lazy eye. Still no double vision

-this is maybe 7 shots in 3ish hours. I drank when there was a murder scene in Deadpool 2 nd that’s also how I timed it. The 7this the limit in terms of making coordination much worse. And the things below

-limbs are heavy, so is my head

-probably my reacctions are slower, hard to tell they are always shit

9- now everything is vague, I am forgetting things once they happen, still not double vision, just inability to describe things. I said forget, but it’s more like they fade into vagueness

-quiets the part of my brain that is analysing and double analysing everything social or otherwise

-now my vision is swimming

-alright that’s it I can’t do this anymore

-might take notes on a hangover, that’s probably not gonna be fun but I am curious so I want to experience it once.

-things that should be obvious aren’t? Like I it took a full minute to remember the container I took in case I vomited

-brain fog I can not stress this enough

-important to mention I am barely 5 1 and 138ish pounds

-the ringing in my ears got loud once it got quiet is that normal???

- I keep throwing my phone sorta, like I dropped it in the trash and keep losing it when I swing my arm

-one burden of inhibition gone, but I am still careful not to be a

-thought I typed out a swear wtf?

-I am on mobile right now, can’t disable autocorrect And I just now realised I shojld

-assume it took two tries at least to write any two syllable + word and sometimes one syllable ods

X-I am pbserving myself like a creature jn an exhibit lmao

-Everything feels lime a dream which might be liberating if I wasn't reminding myself it isn't constantly

- copied from discord, feels super.important

Oh the only none shot I drank was a cup of green tea. Might be important if I feel up to hangover notez

Is my executive dysfunction worse? Took 30 lminutes to turn off lights

-distance from my emotions is nice

Keep letting gravity throw.my head down is that a stjm?

-still spuraling (is this real or fake am I acting) might be cause J lack distractions

Is this existential dread? I don’t like

Closing my lazy eye helps me read probably normal

Mobile word is awful

Part of me wants to say “it’s so dark” but duh I turned off the lights. Is this small talk?

I’ve been fighting the urge to type the letter AAAAAAAA until I sleep. That’s normal but it’s harder

I guess being drunk doesn’t make you less you just less afraid

I’s that bad? Philosophy

Should turn my scree Timeout down. Feel a important

Where’d I put the throw up thing (1 am)

Found it

PReading is ha4d takes so much energy to do. L

Staying up late I guess

Pr9bably good, don’t wanna vomit and choke. Is that real? l

I need to sleep

Holding phone above my head it keeps sswinging

Why do I do tthis

Things swimming a lot is this double vision?

Movie and tjerfore drinking stopped at ????? N0 later than 11:30

Worth noting I am just looking at my phone which is 3 inches from my face

I use suggestions when.the words are too f*cked up to be recognized

Takes 3 troes to do anything I hate it

I take frequent breake so my head stops(1:20)

*spinning how did I not get that

I wanna take good no5es but the whole “deliberate poisoning” f*cos it up

· Spelling is hard ph9ne keys are so smsll

· Again coordination I think it’s fine but then this happened

· The distance frpm myselg6 idb52 3real

o Lmao I can tell this is useless (1:26 am)

o M

o Can’t Agop lahfinf 1:2

o So great

Cant stop laughing (1:37l

My little bro checked on me he’s so sweet

Also my cackling kept him up oops

Why is alcohol a depressant officially

Is it more or less authentic tp spellvjevk myself??

-I wanna do it cause damm

Still can’t stop giggling (1:51 am) I hate it but it’s hilarious

Also something rises in my throat (154 am

Do they give Nobel prizes for whatever thiz is?

So actually this feels like hysterical laughter or maybe laughter at the futility of existence

Maybe that’s why it’s a depressant (206 am)

The less coherent I get the more I feel the need to timestamp

Might just be me

All of this is just me

I can’t stream of consviousnesd other peppleS tthoughts

This doesn’t feel real still. But for real goodnight 217 am

Really I can’t believe the things happening are really ggappsning

230 time is less sped up tjam before but also just realised I didn’t have much trouble walking to.my bedroom. Which I’ll get measurements for in the morning

BTW I make references to a character, that's for a fanfic I am probably not gonna write but that's tied up with my other notes so I can't remove it