#AUGH FUCK THIS IS WEIRD AND COMPLICATED.

[outlying-hyppocrate]

i might be genderfluid. probably not though. the actual idea of being socially perceived as any other gender makes me feel like a clown

[phagodyke]

I was on the wikipedia page for phobias just for fun but just discovered theres an actual word for a fear of being touched.. 🥹

[akane-kurokawa]

Chapter 150 thoughts!

Glad to be back in the nightmare hell scape! Fun Tokyo Blade vibes.

Bro is so BORED of the horrors. He looks at his sleep paralysis demon and goes “augh you again??”

The most obvious answer to 123 that we’ve all been waiting for for like a year.

Seriously though, on one hand it’s a bit annoying that we’re matter of facting this conclusion after a whole volume worth of playing the ‘What is Aqua thinking?’ game during the aqrb section of filming, it feels disproportionate to the buildup (a very common criticism for subplot resolutions lately)

On the other hand, they’re finally saying what everyone with reading comprehension has been thinking! Aqua doesn’t want this stupid badly written ship to happen, and neither does fucking Gorou!

But Gorou changing the subject from the big revenge life dream to “so what girls do you like” after he just admitted he was like, fading away is a little jarring to me. Maybe it’d read better with voice acting but right now it’s just a little tonally weird.

“You don’t need to act anymore” goes hard though, all things considered. Tbh, I don’t even really dislike the conversation, it just feels a little fast to me. It’s a dream sequence though so I’m being nit picky.

You and the girl who’s telling you not to worry about

Akane aggressively playing matchmaker is a pretty funny role for her, it utilizes her knowledge of people and Aqua adjacent manipulation skills while keeping her motives as well meaning yet overbearing as I’d expect from her.

The current dynamic of her Kana and Aqua has a very Kaguya feel, which I mean positively. It’s refreshing and reminds me why I like this cast and their interactions in the first place. Again, it’s a pretty stark contrast to the rest of this volume which has been steering into horror territory, but I’m suspecting this is probably to set us up for another tone shift later.

The dual flashbacks of their building crushes and feelings is very cute, I think their ship still walks the line of healthy and toxic, but it’s still built on a strongly established foundation. That said, there’s no way they get out right now and it works out. Not without at least one more solid complication first.

So happy for you to admit that, babe. Not gonna go well for you though.

[candyskiez]

teru and shigeo (???%) for the duo bingo

As you can see I have a normal amount of thoughts and feelings about them.

(romantically ad platonically are because I love their dynamic either way)

God. God. What do I even say about them I haven't already said. Actually I don't think I've said much publicly I usually scream in my friends dms. Hold on. I can talk so much about this.

It's the. God. Okay. God I wish the ???% and Mob seen was kept in full in the anime because like. So much of the shit he says to Mob/himself/you know. Hand waves. Weird self shenanigans. We're going w the system read for this tho. It's so fucking Teru? It's so fucking Teru??? The "there's nobody I can trust nobody here so why don't I just do whatever the fuck I want, none of these people matter, it's all pointless, I deserve BETTER." The. The parallels. The rage. The angry confusing feelings the why have YOU decided we're friends the fact they're the SAME and they both hate it at that low point, they hate seeing themselves reflected and they feel like the worst person in the world so they NEED the other to attack them and hurt them so they don't feel like they're the one in the wrong. The resentment. The. Oh my god. There is no way to make me shut up about them.

God. Post canon. What does ???% even do now. He was wrong. He did the exact thing he hated Teru for doing. He has no idea if he regrets it because Teru did it FIRST. Why does he have to be the good person here. Why can't he stay mad. Do you ever think about. Do you ever think about the fucking. Gestures wildly. Everything. Hello. And the. The. God what do I even say. Everything about post canon is so fascinating. Why does nobody explore the messy shit. Why is everyone insistent on making it Just Fluff. Like I love the fluff too but why can't you talk about the messy shit without being stabbed. It's weird man. I find the messy parts so interesting yk. I want to see them! And I want to see how do you even GO ABOUT fixing a slight that bad. Y'know. Y'know. Breaks a wall.

Me and a friend (if ur reading this, hi!) talk so much about aus with them. Like. What way can you make them NOT interesting. Like aus where they're friends before character development are so so interesting to mess with. What's up there. You remind me of myself and I don't think that's a good thing. You understand me and I've wanted that more than anything else and I think I'm going to ruin this. Like. HRHRHDHDH. Gnaws on a wall. You are just like me and I didn't realize how fucking selfish I could be until I saw how you are. Vs I know you and I know why you did it and you make sense and. Shakes them. Shakes them!!!!! They would be SO INTERESTING as being close in some way whatever you want to interpret them as. They're everything. I want to put them in a terrarium and study them. Like them meeting each other before canon and being friends and their development Changing because of that. Do you get it. Do you get it. It's complicated! It's weird! Aaaagh!!! AUGH. Augh

[needle-noggins]

Sav's Author Highlight: Eshtaresht

For the entire week of @trigunfanfic appreciation week, I’m going to highlight my favorite authors and friends whose writing I adore and why. Last but certainly not least I want to talk about @eshtaresht's fics!

Esht writes some truly incredible stuff. Body horror like crazy, visceral and raw. Sci-fi weirdness in the same vein as some other authors I've recc'd - if you like Becoming Eden, procrastinatingbookworm's dead dove fics, or Mydetheturk's science fiction, you'll love Esht's stuff! It's imaginative, detailed and vivid, with some really fun fics with fun formatting. And the EMOTION. AUGH. They have written some incredible body horror for BH week.

Featherheavy makes me SCREAM. If you love fucked-up emotionally-convoluted and interdependent Vashmeryl, READ THIS. This fic is catnip to me. It lives in the same corner of my mind that Rainy's I could Drown Myself does, the same corner where I look at Vashmeryl and go "yeah, i need to make them more fucked up. Yeah, Bluebells could always get worse." Holding this fic tightly to my chest. Beloved. It's also part of a series about getting brain-blasted by Vash. I love this concept so much.

applecore: Vash post-canon having weird grief about Knives. You know I love a Vash-is-weird-about-grief fic, and we so rarely see fics exploring how he feels about losing his brother, as strained and complicated their relationship was.

Independent is a delicious dead dove set on the ark, you know, when Knives tries to assault Vash one last time. Knives says "let me merge or i'll kill us both" (you know the tumblr post) and he succeeds. It does not end well for him, however. This fic shrimped me good. The formatting makes this so horribly visceral.

Oh, speaking of Vash grief, read Not About the Couch too.

Esht also writes some Millionsummers, specifically this fic that was written for me (literally this time), and I adore it. I love fucked up Millionsummers, and the song that inspired this fic is just so.... fucked up in a delicious way. Compelling! Heed the tags, though; this is Knives reconnecting Legato to Vash's arm, and the implications are.... hmm. Dead doves.

And if you just want pure sci-fi biological weirdness, we got Boys will be bugs, a fic about Zazie with super fun formatting.

[bugsinthebayou]

what do you think of dabi's ending?

ough dabi's ending... emotional and painful. the todoroki family are some of my favorite characters and AUGH ... just ... dabi telling them all to die... wanting Himself to die... it was so good and tragic and i Loved watching it. endeavor can die btw hate that dude (wayy too similar to my own dear old dad yknow how it is)

my thoughts on his status post-war however umm. it feels fucked up to me ?? like. it feels selfish and cruel on the family's end..? like dabi does not want to be alive. and the. contraption?? hes in to Keep him alive looks uncomfortable and painful. i understand them not wanting to let touya die but the state he's in right now isnt even living. i personally would hate to be kept alive like that. i also think from a writing standpoint letting touya die at the end of the family's fight to stop him from exploding would've been better? dunno, it just feels kinda weird to keep him suspended between death and life like that. im in too minds abt it tho,, i do like it for its fucked up factor. dunno, its complicated !

[yuukei-yikes]

i hate second manga route for haruka and especially takane's stupid arcs but LIKE I ALWAYS SAY its got so much going for it. ayano and shintaro especially. ayano being the shittiest sister ever and shintaro being Literally the awesomest brother really gets me like its so funny

shintaro being so. Weird/mean in more typical routes because of retaining eyes even if it's repressed/inactive... i know its because kagepro was written in the course Of Years and it's honestly a game of telephone so it's more a matter of lack of consistency rather than this but i like to explain it with that lol

in main route shintaro and momo barely speaking, not being close at all. but in an original way they were THE closest siblings... sniff sniff. like so much was sacrificed in the way to their happy ending, their relationship being one. and for shintaro (with retaining) to eventually remember this but not momo... and how it'd cause a shift in his behavior bc he REMEMBERS all these moments they spent together in some other lifetime and how he felt about it then, and it's simultaneous with how he feels with this lifetime and this specific relationship he's built with his sister. it's a lot!! he doesn't stop being him, but all these other routes are overwritten over one another and how he feels in each one is completely simultaneous with how he feels about the present. augh. this is complicated for all his relationships ofc like (drum rolls) takane because of Many reasons but for example he fucking killt her once and he KNOWS that. but hehe. kisaragi siblings. that was just my obligatory takane mention bc i can't help myself BUT IM TALKING ABT SHINTARO AND MOMO

momo just sees shintaro acting awkward and trying to approach her and she's like 😐weird. ofc she still reciprocates!! like DAMN shintaro wanting to be her brother and get closer to her?? it's one of her biggest wishes come true!!!! but its awkward as fuck!!

shintaro is dealing with MANY things as he goes through life with all these memories + living past the end of the story, and momo is terrified of scaring shintaro away because she doesn't KNOW all he knows and he's shit at trying to communicate and just talk. but maybe their mom can come home and be like oh. u guys are watching tv together?? thats strange. and theyre like oh. yeah i guess <- wrestled for who got the remote, momo obviously won, shintaro complains but still stays to watch whatever the hell obscure tv show momo is into. shintaro keeps criticizing it and momo's like just leave if it bothers u so much and he's like NO. im googling the directors and writers of this as we speak.

also i know ive said this 1000 times but car guy shintaro. this guy gets his license and is everyone's taxi driver. but ESPECIALLY momo. he drives her to school everyday and they scream sing together the entire way. momo makes a car playlist to sing with him but will never admit it's a playlist specifically made with shintaro in mind and how funny she thinks it'll be when call me maybe comes on and shintaro will be like AUGGH THIS SUCKS LOWER THE VOLUME but immediately starts singing too.

AND ALSO he tries teaching her how to drive and she crashes their mom's car and shintaro takes the blame. as punishment he can't use the car for a while. in that while momo still gets her license Somehow even though she is an awful awful driver and now since shintaro isnt allowed to drive for a bit momo is taking him and he's FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE.

anyways kisaragi siblings😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 also ayaki not only watching shintaro managing to get closer to momo in this lifetime too, but also sees ayano be this supposedly perfect big sister.

post str ayano with all this guilt over abandoning her siblings and feeling totally incapable of everything, both academically and emotionally. but ayaki is still a little jealous bc even if she Knows how ayano must feel (despite not even being in her head like with shintaro. she knows bc she IS ayano) kano kido and seto DO see her as a good big sister. i think ayaki harbors certain "hatred" for the surviving ayano because she. hates herself. and this ayano has everything ayaki fought for and is still just as incapable and it pisses her off. i think both ayanos feel horrible specifically about kano's involvement in everything and what he had to deal with when ayano died. ayaki thinks god. i/she still failed for protect him. this SUCKS. she knows ayano hates herself bc she hates her and she is her💥

....and also in case of shinaya ayakis like THIS IS RIDICULOUSSS!! HIM OF ALL PEOPLE?!?!?! COME ONNNN. erm anyways💥

[fairysylveon]

Favorite things/headcanons about jackothy and katarhys GO!!!

OH MAN it's so hard for me to put things into words but I'll try

jackothy

I headcanon a lot of codependency over the years honestly, jack is the only person who knows who tim really is, and tim is the only one allowed to see past jack's mask (both literal and metaphorical) on account of "being an extension of jack", so they're driven together despite how much tim hates jack. BUT I also headcanon that they love each other in weird and complicated ways, jack's is initially driven by narcissism but eventually he grows to like tim for his differences too, especially as someone who's not afraid to mouth off to him because it's kinda refreshing, and also the aforementioned codependency. and tim, well, he still hates jack, but all that time with him and only him creeps up on him and he grows these strange but undeniable feelings of undying loyalty and love. because he's lonely, he'd always been lonely, even his own mom didn't love him, and as fucked up as this thing is with jack, it's filling a hole that desperately needed filling, and he's taking what he can get even if he can't stand himself for it. and maybe he's relieved when jack dies because he has an out that isn't betraying jack, because before jack dies he does think about it, he thinks about killing jack in his sleep, thinks about not letting go when they're fighting and he's got his hand around jack's throat, but he just can't ever seem to go through with it because his entire identity is so intertwined with this man and he's his only real "friend", and that's so sad and frustrating for him but it's true, too. I just love tim with very complicated feelings of attachment/devotion/love to jack that he HATES but he just can't shake it because he's kind of pathetic and very lonely

other headcanons I like: attack dog tim, being the tip of jack's spear. whether or not he likes that changes based on what I'm in the mood for LOL. also they fist fight regularly because they piss each other off, and sometimes (often) it becomes erotic as it continues. (tim pretty much always wins, because he's stronger & has more experience actually fighting for his life)

canon things I like: jack flirting with tim at every opportunity, also that LINE, the fucking line where he's like "you're making me anxious" because tim is so hot? that's good shit. tim being so attractive to him that he acts wildly ooc because he's just. so into him is SO FUN AND GOOD. tim being bound to him not only contractually but physically too, unable to separate himself from jack, seeing jack when he looks in the mirror, it's soooo sad and so good. jack making tim do porn is very toxic and good (which btw, "made him" could literally just mean "he paid me too much to refuse", I have always wanted more details about HOW he "made" tim do it). tim in the jackpot being surrounded by statues and holograms and posters of his dead lover/abuser? constantly unable to go even a day without the reminder of jack? hell yeah. also "I'm not you, jack" is SUCH a good line. AUGH. I love them.

katarhys

I loooove rhys being begrudgingly into kat and kat's admiration for him, but in a way that he doesn't indulge until he's at a low point. like, calling him up when he's lonely, bored, drunk, etc. and he KNOWS it's a bad idea EVERY TIME but he does it anyway because it feels good to have someone SO into him, even if he's also kinda creeped out by it. I also love them indulging in guro shit because... I just love it, it's just FUN, and kat has at lines about stabbing/slicing rhys so it's just.... Good. I also like to play up how much of a stalker kat is by having him install cameras in places to keep tabs on rhys. I don't have a lot of actual headcanons I can think of right now because canon is so good LOL

canon things I like: I love kat seemingly knowing EVERYTHING there is to know about rhys, including his favorite froyo place. he's clearly been keeping tabs on rhys so it's fair to say that at least some degree of stalking (at least virtually) is in place in canon and that's sooo good. "DO YOU NEED ANOTHER LOVE TAP" "IF I STAB YOU, RHYS, YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT'LL BE RIGHT IN THE CHEST, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT BROS DO!" "who cares about them, I'm doing this for us." "I'm gonna slice you in haaa~aalf." kat disguising himself as zer0 to make rhys think he's been betrayed. KAT IS SUCH A FUN CHARACTER he's just so good and I love all his dialogue and I love how obsessed he is with rhys, THEY'RE SO GOOD I LOVE THEM!!!

[patron-saints]

When looking at the fanon interpretation of your fav fma ladies, what makes you go like yesss she would say/do that!! And what makes you she wouldn't fucking say/do that?

(Happy birthday!!)

oh my gosh thank you so much!!! i did my best with these, i feel like i might be forgetting stuff but i tried!

izumi:

i love it when people treat her as the elrics adopted mother! i think there's a reason why she lost a child specifically and why they lost their mother, and while the rituals they did to bring those people back didn't work, they still found their ways to each other. love it when people INCLUDE HER also!! so many times in fanon stuff she just gets left out completely and it makes me sad.

hate it when people call her abusive? like. the manga makes it really clear that she's doing all of their training with as much care and caution as you CAN do a martial art, and that her assistant was watching out for them while they were on the island (and kicking their ass but you know. he knew they were safe). she's a good mom and she's a good teacher and i won't hear it.

olivier:

olivier as a character is like wildly deeply nuanced and layered and i really love fanon posts that engage with her on the level of that complexity! she IS that complicated.

one of my biggest olivier "she would not fucking do thats" is almost any non-izumi ship, and it's not like. it's not like.. BECAUSE of izumi. i polyship all the time. it's just. she would not fucking do that. roy mustang she hates, her assistants are also men, riza is her friend and very specifically in the same cateogry of friend to her as jean havoc... so...? so probably that yeah. i just can't get into any of them. i have tried.

riza:

probably the most in character thing i've seen in this:

(edit by spidermanifested)

also i love everything by tumblr user courtmartialme. he's so good and he draws her with so much love.

i think my biggest and worst crime against traditional fma fandom is that i believe riza hawkeye is aromantic. so like. it makes me feel "she would not fucking do that" about so much royai content all of the time. and i still love queerplatonic royai so much so i reblog it a lot with my qp glasses on but the super romanticy stuff i- oh. OH. even worse than that is royai parent stuff. either as the elrics parent figures (they r coworkers at worst and weird uncle/aunt at best) or as having their own kids. augh

lust:

biggest fandom "she would fucking do that" of all time is THIS. which i hope everyone has seen. forever. she would. i am writing a whole fic about how much she would.

a lot of rizalust art has lust in a position of being the one to be sort of menacing and scary, terrifying riza as much as she turns her on, and like. while i do think she has the capacity for that VERY much, i think it's way more fun when she's pathetic. <3

also i wanna see more acknowledgement that her dad sucks too

[veliseraptor]

12, 13, 16

the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them: I feel like a solid percentage of my fandom experience is pretty much me picking a if not unpopular then probably controversial character and then proceeding to talk loudly and ad nauseam about why I think people should like them.

but if I gotta pick just one, and thinking about characters who I feel like are actively unpopular (as opposed to controversial, which is a different category; like, I'd put Xue Yang in the latter but not really the former, since he's got a middling strength group of core fans)...

since I mentioned Black Jewels Trilogy I'll throw one out for Jaenelle Angelline who I recall people really not liking back in the day, at least (I'm not actively in the fandom now so maybe this isn't the case anymore), or at least didn't find interesting as a character. and I get that because on the one hand sure, she's a classic "all the good guys love her, all the bad guys hate her, all-powerful chosen figure" character, but I've always been deeply fond of her because like. she's weird. she starts out weird and continues to be weird, she's really fucked up psychologically actually, she's kind of socially awkward and this combination of shy and insecure and exuberant confidence. she's sweet and compassionate and also vindictive and capable of horrific cruelty.

I think I have kind of a thing for characters who are extremely fucking powerful and also a complete mess as human beings and that's how I always felt about Jaenelle? yeah, she can decimate a planet and makes friends with unicorns but also doesn't really know how to be a normal human person. I don't know. I don't actually expect other people to be with me on this but I am.

but also, a while back I went looking for Wang Lingjiao fic because I was like "there's interesting material there about this woman from a nobody family who ends up in a relationship with the son of a major sect leader, and, like, what was she thinking? did she try to catch Wen Chao or did he notice her and she either (a) made the best of a bad situation by turning it to her advantage or (b) actively decided that she was going to improve her own life via this guy? like, yeah, she's petty and mean and vindictive and I want to know what's going on in her head. in a story that has a lot of people who come from low station and suffer for it, and sometimes even more for trying to get out of it, I'm prodding at her version of that and going "there's something here, give it to me."

sometimes think about that half idea I had where Wang Lingjiao notices Wen Chao coming onto her, doesn't like the idea, and basically tries to escape by glomming onto Wen Qing instead. Wen Qing/Wang Lingjiao rights, is what I'm saying.

worst blorboficiation: my first reaction to this was "oh no, are we going to make "blorbofication" the new "woobification", I was glad when we left that word behind and I don't want to see it replaced, I really don't."

but also. in my heart I immediately knew my answer and it's perfect good boy Wei Wuxian. singlehandedly turned me around on my feelings for a character and I don't really know how to get the good ones back at this point and I would really like the good ones back. I got into this fucking fandom because of him as basically an antagonist-as-protagonist model (i.e. a character who could be an antagonist in most stories but narrative positioning complicates things) - in CQL, even, so this isn't just adaptation decay or whatever - and now...augh.

idk man it makes me sad to think about too much. going back to thinking about Wen Qing/Wang Lingjiao rights instead.

you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc): so many and I feel like a lot of them have come up in answers to other questions...going to throw this one out though to the people who insist that Xue Yang never had any squishy feelings for Xiao Xingchen and all his motives were bad and evil forever, not just because hey that's my baby but also because it is, as I've said before, both an incredibly shallow read of the story as a whole that strips it of part of what makes it so painful and good and also makes that whole dynamic so much less interesting.

it just makes me feel kind of crazy, also, the way I look at that arc and see the reiteration of themes across MDZS and across MXTX's other works and feel like I'm just going "LOOK AT IT. LOOK AT IT, YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIKE IT BUT AT LEAST SEE WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT" and meanwhile there's another post in the tag throwing "no empathy" around as a shortcut to indicate "bad and evil."

anyway. I'm tired. every month or so I have to block another one.

[v-arbellanaris]

(not @ u btw) said with all the love in the world to leliana my bestie the loml but it irritates me so much that theres so little out there recognizing her flaws. theres people who dont like her who dont recognize her actual flaws at all & theres people who do like her who also dont recognize those character flaws. her biggest flaw imo is being willing to ignore & bend her morals for the people she loves which is such an interesting character flaw! it makes her more complex & gives her depth & its a good writing decision by sheryl chee & it so often just gets ignored by the fandom as a [very general] whole which is so augh. wheres stuff about her relationship with an amell/surana or mahariel or tabris & how that works for them when leliana is supporting this corrupt system! leliana is such a fascinating character to me & her background character journey between origins and inquisition is something that can be so personal

anyway all to say wheres that tweet thats like ‘i lose all my principles when i see a pretty woman’ & someone responds ‘well maybe you should have principles’ & op replies ‘ur right maybe i should’ bcs thats leliana and the warden

YESSS agreed!!! its so complicated and so INTERESTING and its definitely angst fodder for my warden (amell) and leliana. i love that all the angst of their romance happens after their meetcute (the fucking fifth blight) like the way they meet and everything is easy and then the reality of their situation (evadne, a blood mage apostate who becomes titled ferelden nobility vs leliana, the spymaster of the militant religious organisation trying to imprison mages like evadne) sinking its teeth into their relationship over the years, straining it to its very limit. it makes me a little bit insane to think of evadne and leliana tbh!!!!!

but on your other point, unfortunately i think this isnt a problem specific to leliana; i think/notice whenever people pick their favs in the fandom, there's a kind of... need for them to be morally above reproach? which is weird bc you can't throw a stone in thedas without hitting at least 3 war criminals, 2 of which are probably your party members if not your significant other/romance option? and there's this kind of "my blorbo merely suffers from bad writing and therefore has never done anything wrong ever (because i would NEVER pick a blorbo who is Morally Bad) but your blorbo is problematic (and therefore you are too because why would you like a Morally Bad character)" mentality that... isnt really useful or appealing to me.

MFDKSJFSDFJ PLSSSS that is literally leliana and the warden (and marjolaine tbh) its SO true. she's so relatable, but, respectfully, you could NOT catch me throwing away my morals like that but EMOTIONALLY like i get it. i get it

[fivveweeks]

In Sun Shower, I think Katsuya would have the same amount of respect the hashira have for Kagaya. Even if they still want to punch him.

This guy body is wreak by disease and curse. So frail a simple slap in the back would topple him. Always in pain. Can't use breathing style. But he can still run around them and outsmart them. By skill and knowledge. He contribute a lot for the corp. Even when no one knows of how much he have done.

So yeah. They would definitely respect him a hell lot. If you can manage to drag it out of their ranting on how annoying and frustrating Katsuya is.

woah i still have Sunshower fans after all these months... i miss my blorbo katsuya augh

you got it right here - i never intended for the hashiras to outright dislike him. it's gonna be a gradual slide from "Who the fuck is this bastard" to "What is wrong with you (begrudging respect)" once his identity has been officially revealed. in the grand scheme of things it is technically a decade long game played by both Katsuya and Kagaya teehee

if i had to categorize them according to attitude once it comes to light it would be:

Shinobu, Sanemi, Tengen: "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU"

Muichiro and Obanai: Irritated about him but at the same time also pissed that he is actually competent and the things he does makes sense in the long run

Gyoumei and Kanae: slightly put off but eventually accepts the weird tendencies of Oyakata-sama's twin

Rengoku and Mitsuri: probably gets over how weird Katsuya is the fastest. sometimes even they have to blink at some of his actions but they brush it off easily

Giyu: a secret third thing (sabito is alive thanks to katsuya so he's like, feeling extremely Complicated)

The constant is that they all will eventually come to respect Katsuya tho most of the impression about him running around in a demon mask still stays, but all in all he gets absorbed into the group dynamics whether he likes it or not. Kagaya is very amused about it

[dxppercxdxver]

tagged by @chiropteracupola!! we will See how many books i can for real remember

rules: list ten books that have stayed with you in some way, don’t take but a few minutes, and don’t think too hard - they don’t have to be the “right” or “great” works, just the ones that have touched you.

1. The Rook - Daniel O’Malley: OUGHHH favorite book of all time and i’m not at All exaggerating. it is the pinnacle of literature to me, with a great balance of humor and drama and mystery and the supernatural and also the main character is sooooooooo. i cannot describe how insane in the head she makes me

2. Feel the Fear - Lauren Child: technically the Entire ruby redfort series lives in my brain rent free but the fourth one in particular ticks Every box to me. vintage cinema. circus performers. poetry. actual Lasting Consequences Of Trauma in a main character. skateboarding? idk it’s so fucking good and i think about it constantly

3. There, There - Tommy Orange: we had to read this for ap lit my senior year and i genuinely think about it So often its prose is so evocative and good to the brain and it Evokes such physicality and the turns of phrase are so cool and also it’s a really well structured story that’s clever and complicated (fun) and makes your heart hurt and i genuinely recommend it all the time

4. A Study in Scarlet - Arthur Conan Doyle: i feel like this one iiiiis self explanatory but also!! the platonic ideal of holmes and watson To Me!!! exuberant and young and jittery and two steps from shaking themselves apart and so full of love and adoration for each other!!!!! AUGH!!!!!

(and here is when i start forgetting books)

5. The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys: California - Gerard Way, Shaun Simon, & Becky Cloonan: comics of break your brain forever n ever n ever. full of sadness and beautiful art and lesbian robots and a Kitty (big kitty baby kitty evil kitty <3)

6. Animorphs - K. A. Applegate: books that i think about aaaaaall the time in some way because i love Meat in my sci-fi (y’all remember the allergic reaction to crocodile dna? because I DO)

7. The Wolf and the Watchman - Niklas Natt Och Dag: y’know what fuck it cecil winge and mickel cardell got real in my brain earlier this year so they get to join the list. due to there’s MEAT and DETECTIVES and PALPABLE HOMOEROTICISM (my best friends weird detective guys ough augh)

8. It Devours! - Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor: noticing a theme here in that there is also Meat in this one. but also the story of something far bigger than you could ever comprehend Coming For You and the quiet dread of keeping something from your partner and carrying the burden alone and also sometimes relationships Don’t Work and that’s Fine (and also there is a massive worm)

9. Lord of the Flies - William Golding: another school read! me n my friends went Real Weird about this book at the ripe old age of thirteen. don’t remember much of it now other than Jack The Chorus Boy but i do remember having big feelings about it then

10. Treasure Island - Robert Louis Stevenson: for a Wildly different reason than em, because i don’t remember. anything? about it? read it for school when i was eleven or twelve and promptly lost all memory of the entire story BUT. i built a model ship for it for my final project and i think that jumpstarted the current Big Boat Feelings that i have some eight or nine years ago

tagging: @nico-demons, @firstmatedville, @wilhelmina-murray-harker, @natdrinkstea, and @haijinks :)

[morphogenetic]

Mediaposting 2023, #12: Succession Season 2

i think I like season 2 Overall less than I do with season 1, but when the episodes are bangers (6, 7, 9, 10) they are fucking BANGERS.

i also have literally no idea where season 3 and 4 are gonna go. like other than the one spoiler I know about s4 [which I'm not really surprised happened at this point] and the fact that kendall gets a shaved head eventually....NO idea what happens. at all. other than the repercussions that I'm sure happen after ep 10 lol

more spoilery thoughts under the cut (though tbh they're more about what I think is gonna happen next season)

-I knew about the "can't make a tomlette without breaking a few greggs" line. vaguely. what I did NOT know was that the line was said in THE SENATE

-honestly just so many good tom and greg moments. "we here for you" is still so fucking funny. the water bottle thing. Tom complimenting greg on his blackmailing skills. it's all so toxic and so so good

-speaking of Tom. "i wonder if the sad I'd be without you is bigger than the sad i am with you" is such an augh line and it's phrased in such a tom way. divorce arc so real

-shiv was so real for letting rhea be ceo and then immediately leaving bc of the cruises stuff. she girlbossed too close to the sun in episode 6 but then girlbossed her way back down to earth too

-i REALLY want to see if Roman actually gets therapy or if they just let him suffer like they did w kendall only getting two days of rehab. im also feeling like he might get more attention next season since shiv was more focused on during s2, when kendall was most important for s1, so maybe each season is more focused on one particular character?

-it's also fascinating to me that even though Roman is clearly the comedic relief sibling...he's smarter than he looks. he couches it in a lot of acting like he doesn't know anything - and he doesn't a lot of the time, lol at him buying the wrong soccer team - but like...the piece of episode 10 where he doesn't think the buyout will work? and in a way where his dad won't really get mad at him for it? he's kind of incredible at socially engineering people, in the way that youngest siblings often are. i don't think he'll ever lead the company but he could definitely be a way bigger player next season

-i know the entire point of kendall is that he's incredibly inscrutable and hard to figure out and like, a+ to jeremys acting on this, but he is even more inscrutable than usual this season. which felt weird after season 1 where he was definitely complicated but at least I could understand what the fuck was going on with him. now I'm a little ???? about it. i guess that's what happens when he's more of a background player this season though

-...but the divide between ep 9 and ep 10 kendall is both wild and totally expected. constantly going between defending his dad and treating him like a God and then saying he's a horrible person? on point. 10/10 no notes

-also I didn't really start paying attention to this until near the end of the season but the way that people have conversations in terms of the physical space between them is so important. it stood out to me with Logan and his kids. with Roman and Logan they sit apart but not distant, like business partners. logan and shiv? at first they had business partner spacing, then they had family member spacing. logan and kendall? circling each other like fucking sharks until the very end where kendall kisses his dad on the cheek right before betraying him. God. peak

-(SPEAKING OF THAT. THE PHYSICAL DISTANCE BETWEEN SHIV AND TOM DURING THE THREESOME CONVERSATION USED TO SHOW THE EMOTIONAL DISTANCE BETWEEN THEM. CHEFS KISS)

-ending the season on a boat was perfect after the season ends up being about the cruises drama. so perfect. i know it has the metaphor of pushing someone overboard too but (gestures) Boats

-i feel like I need to rewatch this season specifically when everything ends because a lot of the episodes felt....not pointless, totally, but more filler-y than season 1? like I really don't even remember what happened for most of the season outside of a few specific moments and I literally just watched it. idk. i mean the same is kind of true for season 1 but season 1 felt like it had more defined mini-arcs and I can remember more of what happened in that way

-i could write a whole thing on the pierces bc I think that was the most compelling part of the season outside of eps 9 and 10 but. ill spare you the details

-i like how by the end of the season greg is totally unimpressed by the size of the boat. luxury corruption arc

-tom and greg are absolutely having a screaming match next season about having the documents even after burning them and i cannot fucking WAIT

[troglobite]

augh

watched a really cool thing on tv

really my only thoughts are these

i keep running from heritage--not like, actively. but i avoid it in weird ways.

i’m so twitchy abt learning spanish properly. i had to at least learn to read it better for my MA--and i did! but i didn’t keep up practicing it. i bought novels in spanish specifically for that purpose and then i just. didn’t read them.

and like yeah part of it is Extreme Burnout and Depression bc [gestures at the world]

but i’ve always been like this

i refused to take spanish in a classroom past middle school

i took online courses

and i never knew much or did well

and it’s annoying bc that’s a point of insecurity, so you think i’d do it more, right?

and yet.

so i’m just.

idk was watching a thing. abt indigenous ppls in the region my family’s from. &they sound like my family & after watching it for an hr i was talking--and i sounded like them? not even consciously? which i don’t do w most ppl. like if i watch iwtv i don’t suddenly have a lousiana deep south twang. like. idk.

&i noticed it & i just kept thinking, watching it, bc they were talking food in that episode.

like. i wish i had that. i wish i had community & family. 

&at the same time i know how hard it would’ve been for me to come out if i’d had that--specifically w my own family. i might’ve never come out. i might be truly the most miserable bastard. i mean i’m miserable rn, but i mean miserable in a different way. lol

&also my mom even recorded this show for me & said “this is what i keep trying to get you to watch”

bc she knows it’s important to me

and yet i avoid it

i’m afraid. i’m white, technically. i’m so far from my heritage & my family. i feel like i’m not allowed.

there are so many discussions happening in the demographics & ppl that i’m technically a part of. but i don’t think i’m qualified at all. and they scare me. bc they’re high stakes to me.

“is latine/latinx a white colonial construct?” i mean provably no, but it’s hard to have to argue that. bc then you have--is that what we should even call ourselves? how do we discuss indigeneity in our groups and demographics? it feels messier and more complicated somehow? bc things are always different in different places.

but then there’s also like--do i need to know spanish? or should it be eschewed as a colonizer’s language, like english? but then functionally most ppl still speak it, just like english. so what do you do w that?

and then if not spanish, then an indigenous language, right? but who is allowed to learn those languages? 

and there was that post abt welsh, right, &i was like. yeah. i feel like. ppl should be allowed to learn languages.

but then that also feels like a fraught discussion that i don’t know what to do with.

i feel so afraid to participate bc i don’t want to do it wrong, &unlike just learning & making mistakes & that being okay, this is who i am and if i get it wrong i’m just a fucking outsider colonizer

this is just my perennial issue

i want to learn nahuatl. it’s the only language i know that is from the region that i know my family is from. my family is majority not spaniard, if dna is to be believed (which is another fraught topic!!!). 

and it’s just hard. idk what to do w all this.

&so i just. avoid it.

truly the only poem i’ve ever had published was abt pulse. &part of it was abt me struggling to reconcile all the pieces of me.

i had to ask for help w the spanish in it bc i didn’t know. which was sort of case in point i guess.

but it hurts. it still hurts.

&yet i also feel like i’m not allowed to be hurt abt this. for all intents & purposes, to most ppl, i am simply white. that’s it. 

i changed my whole name but i kept my last name spanish. but i’m basically white. 

i feel like i don’t belong. like i’m intruding. &while i’m friends w plenty of white ppl it’s not like. i fit w them much better. i do just bc of exposure, y’know, &the presumption of my own whiteness. but personally? white ppl are still like. Not Entirely Me. 

my mom is white, yes, VERY white. but she’s also not a fucking idiot. she tries. she’s dated and been friends w a lot of other ppl. the way she grew up, she wasn’t sheltered or clueless abt racism or other cultures. (which is why it’s so fucking annoying that her brothers are hardcore basically-just-about-nazis and her only remaining blood sister is so fucking christian)

so my mom’s the outlier, &while we like, do white things bc yes, whiteness.

idk.

i just feel like every part of me & my whole life is just floating in a vat of ???? wtf even am i. 

&i was just reminded of it, watching the show, &reminded of why i avoid it. bc there’s just so much conflict inside of me abt it. &idk how to resolve it. or what to do abt it.

&it’s not like i can just walk up to another mexican america/tejane & like. demand comfort & help. i can’t ask that of someone.

&what’s more i’m in fucking WA where like there’s basically none of us except in the east of the state where we’re/they’re all farm workers and fruit pickers, bc that’s just. fucking life. my dad & his family picked strawberries in michigan when he was younger. that’s just. what we’re relegated to. that’s where you find us/them now.

but there’s like no one here to even talk to abt it. i feel so removed and i hate it, but i feel like i have no recourse or path forward. idk.

&of course it sucks bc my dad was emotionally abusive & i don’t talk to ANY of my/his family anymore at all. 

the only good gifts he’s given me were in the last two years. he took to quilting apparently, &he sent me one w family pictures & names on it, &one he gave to his mother that she used all the time before she passed. like he finally understood what might matter to me.

but i can’t reach out. bc i can’t come out to these ppl. i know i can’t, bc a lot of my hangups abt being gay & trans/genderqueer come from my dad. he might not technically be a catholic anymore (bc he divorced twice), but he’s still. like that.

i hate feeling so alone. it feels like every facet of my life was made to be just [something] enough so that i can’t ever feel comfortable in different situations w ppl i want so desperately to be with and belong to.

idk. anyway. this was longer than i intended. lol

&also it feels weird to claim generational trauma even though i absolutely am like. always feeling it.

my dad wasn’t taught spanish properly bc they wanted to spare him. he went by his english sounding name instead of his given one, but his teachers mocked him. ppl he knew of in town were like fucking lynched. he was assaulted many a time. even when i was a kid i saw ppl be racist to him, w me standing right there, too. &while i’m white, ppl were still racist to or around me when i was a kid. &as much as i don’t want a relationship w him again i hold so much pain and compassion in my heart for him. &it feels like there’s nothing i can do abt it.

[rq-smiley-face]

I return!!! It's afternoon here, I've been lazing about. I did manage to sleep a bit! And I ate a granola bar today. I might go to the bar tonight for Halloween, but I'm not sure.

I'm sure you'll be able to help in time. I believe in yall, even though it's difficult. You've got your troubled superhuman, I've got mine. We are... oddly in this together. If there's anything I could potentially do, please let me know! There probably isn't but hey, the offer stands. 

And like, yea. More often than not I actually don't want anyone to hurt or feel bad, and I will try and help. I just won't know exactly what's going on. There are very few people I actually want to hurt. Like. It's not that I don't care about anyone, it's that I just can't make connections about emotions very well. (Most of what I know about others emotions and our own comes from Steven Universe oddly enough. That show is how I learned a lot.)

Anyway, a lighter topic that involves me absolutely losing my mind, as you prompted me to do so. You have asked for this. (I'll save questions about stuff for tomorrow, I think. Halloween is  happy day after all!! For me at least, and I don't feel like dealing with being dizzy for thinking about my programming so... bleh.) That means YOU get to hear about my disaster relationship! I apologize ahead of time. This is probably the most I've talked about it openly for obvious reasons. You asked for this.

-----

So, things with Homelander have been weird and complicated since the day he waltzed in here, which is probably expected. It was weird because we'd never even really shown interest in his source, but, well, apparently the universe had other plans. And I... mean that genuinely. At first I tried to ignore the strange, angry man who I disagreed with (and still do) on several topics and such, but that's about when my YouTube and tumblr recommends feed started to make me look at him all the time for... some cosmic joke I don't know. So I begrudgingly accepted the new member of the system, who proceeded to like. Somewhat attach himself to me. Which makes sense but still.

What's difficult in particular, besides the obvious, is that he's functionally our anger holder, and can't really come near the front without the body getting dizzy. (No others have this issue, it's just him). I didn't really start feeling anything until like... its complicated.

Objectively I should have hated him. But 1: this is one of the most traumatized men I have ever seen and my complexes won't let that be, and 2: I am a simple man. Someone much larger and stronger talks down to me while still being affectionate and protective, lightly bullying me (we're assholes to eachother, its mutual.), using me as an arm rest, constantly talking about how he's above me while trying to bury his face into my neck... (that's just some things augh), and I'm basically just. Gone. I am a useless and predictable twink and I admit that.

As you've seen, the protectivity goes both ways, as you've already seen, to the point of me wanting to maul fans of his source media at times because how DARE they contribute to his objectification, and being mad at myself for being with him because how dare I (which he's called me a dumbass for on many occasions.)

BASICALLY it's messy, neither of us know what the fuck we're doing or how the hell this happened, but it's happening dammit. (/pos)

Hgjggfgvsd sorry,,,,, yall asked for it, I hope it helped you or did something for yall. ^^"

I'm gonna log off for a bit, may the rest of yalls Ween be Hallowed!

-🦌👁

HI! Sorry that we're only getting to this now, we've been a smidge busy haha. But all of that sounds fun, and I'm proud of you for getting some sleep and for eating something.

And we are in this together, honestly there isn't much *to* do. A lot of it is just deconstructing his negative self image and helping him learn that like, there is nothing wrong with his body and there's nothing wrong with OUR body either. I know that's scary and hard for him, especially when that idea was directly reinforced to him not that long ago. but we're working. Same for you! Let us know if there's ANYTHING we can do to help, we're here!

And we are VERY good at appearing empathetic, we have spent a long time studying people to better understand the way they express emotion. We're very good at mimicking it, and we're also very good at saying the right things to sound like we care. We've put a lot of work into appearing as normal emotionally as possible!

Honestly, I think your relationship sounds very lovely, and I hope that both of you only continue to get better. And continue to support each other to get better. I also understand in some ways, the appeal of someone who is kinda mean but still genuinely considerate, that's one of our favorite types. don't apologize for the rambling, i adore it. Your relationship dynamic sounds very sweet and I'm glad you're learning together, how to be a person.

Sometimes when I'm writing these I find myself feeling as though I am drafting a letter to a friend at war or something, (/pos) and it's very silly. I hope this letter finds you well dear anon!