#ASPICE Training

[automotivespicetraining]

Achieve top-tier automotive development processes with QMGC's expert Automotive SPICE Consulting services. Elevate your standards today!

[copperbadge]

Europeans, I have some questions.

Do you know what ambrosia salad is?

If so, is the version you know of a) a normal salad or b) a "dessert" salad?

Do you know what Dirt Cake is?

If so, is that common knowledge in your region?

(What country/region do you live in, other context you wish to add, etc)

I'm working on the new Shivadh novel and I underestimated the comedic potential of Simon, a classically trained French chef who has been cooking for European nobility for thirty years, trying to set a menu for a graduation party with Noah, your average American teenaged garbage disposal, and Eddie, who is literally based on Guy Fieri. Reminds me of the bit in Infinite Jes where Michaelis mentions that Eddie and Gerald had him judge a debate about Hot Pockets and then confesses he doesn't actually know what they are.

(Context for the end of the snippet -- Hugo and Gwen are Simon's brother and sister-in-law, Claude is his young nephew.)

"Huh, okay, so are we doing like a salad theme?" 

"How do you mean?" Noah asked.

"Oh, just, you've got a potato salad and a pasta salad. I'd suggest a Jello salad for dessert but..." Eddie broke off at Alanna's horrified look. "That is what you will see on everyone's face," he said to Noah, pointing at Alanna. 

"Not so, I could do an aspic," Simon protested. "Sweet or savory, very traditional -- not this nonsense from American cookbooks from sixty years ago."

"American nonsense is kinda my brand," Noah pointed out. "Uh, I don't think we realized we were building a giant salad course but I am into that, actually. I'd like to discuss the Jello Salad," he said, and Eddie crowed delightedly while Alanna blanched, so Simon had to mediate a good-natured but extensive debate about gelatin in sweet dessert salads. 

It was an education; when he showed Hugo and Gwen what Americans thought ambrosia salad was, later, their horror was gratifying. It was a fitting prelude to his next exhibit, the Dirt Cake pudding cup, which made Hugo pretend to faint but -- even better -- fascinated little Claude so much that he insisted he wanted them instead of a cake for his next birthday. 

"He'll forget by the time the birthday arrives," Simon assured Hugo, who pretended to mop a sweaty brow. "And if he doesn't, I can elevate this. A light coffee mousse with chocolate biscuits -- drizzle with a sweet wine reduction -- jellied candy flavored with dragonfruit and blackcurrant."

"Can we put bones in the dirt?" Claude asked, already exploring his terrible American dessert options on his tablet. 

"Not human," Gwen said hurriedly. "That's a bridge too far for a birthday party, my darling," she told Claude. 

"Dinosaur bones?" Claude asked hopefully. Gwen and Hugo both looked at Simon. 

"Meringue, or marzipan," Simon pronounced. "Yes, that could be done. Well, my little gravedigger, we will see," he told Claude, tousling his hair.

[x----tine]

Goodnight Sweet Thing

June 03, 2024

Two female wrestlers. One giant ring of Jell-O. One night only. Earlier this month, in celebration of Cristine Brache’s second book of poems, Goodnight Sweet Thing (anonymous Publishing, 2024), the artist took her pages to the stage with co-director Sigrid Lauren in an original theatrical adaptation at 4n studio in Chinatown. Starring Emily Allan, Betsey Brown, and Joshua Weidenmiller with a live score by Ryan Woodhall, the sold-out show carried themes pertinent to Brache’s series of work over the last few years, including America’s Sweetest Dream (NADA, 2023) and her short film titled Carmen (2023), all of which explores the complexity of power dynamics, mortality, and the female psyche.

Words by Vivien Lee

Photos by Alon Sicherman

Robert Greene, the author of The 48 Laws of Power once said that power is an invisible realm that envelopes society, where people continually battle each other though no one is trained to talk about it. Only when you make mistakes do you realize how political people are.

The rules of the game are simple, a referee in a fetish mask (Joshua Weidenmiller) exclaims to the crowd. Please. Don’t. Hurt. Me. Borrowing lines from Brache’s poems, the actors’ fragmented dialogues are a jarring display of cognitive dissonance in a three tableau narrative involving sports, the psyche, and polite society. The opponents, named Nothing Girl and Mary Magdalene, face each other in front of the nation’s flag, topping each other from the bottom, moving in-sync, writhing in a pool of red gelatin. The audience laughs, not knowing what to expect next. In the second scene, Josh plays an analyst examining Betsey in a lounge chair, an element of Jungian and Freudian influence on the night’s inquiries. Among those inquiries, the show’s co-directors probe into America’s obsession with the masking of oneself in order to survive and exist in reality; the juxtaposition of constraint and consequence deeply embedded in our daily roles.

“Sports mirror the facade of contemporary life,” Sigrid describes her and Brache’s vision for the evening, or poetry in motion, as she calls it. “We’re expected to perform, constantly pitted against one another within the capitalist machine under the scrutiny of a faceless judge.” One summary of the show could be more or less a marriage of central ideas revolving around interdependence, the unconscious, and PsychologyToday.com.

The third act ends with a play off of a prom scene, a celebratory tradition rooted in gendered competition and peer judgments. It would make sense that the use of Jell-O also holds origins as a 20th century symbol of another American invention—specifically aspic, molded vessels that once encapsulated long hours of domestic female labor as privileged entertainment. Inspired by the fetish magazine Blushes, Brache’s book cover depicts an AI-generated image of a mannequin-like woman with a man pouring water over her legs, imbued with an idyllic quality aesthetically referencing JCPenney catalogs from the ‘80s and conventional (or otherwise sanitized) notions of beauty.

Victorian era music plays in the background. Nothing Girl pushes Mary forward, who prays on her backside. Why does being sick last so long? She screams. “She’s sick because she’s staring at her reflection,” explains Sigrid. “She’s sick because she is using others, because she has to work too much, or maybe, because the machine is sick."

[notsocheezy]

Brain Curd #55

Brain Curds are lightly edited flash fiction - practically first drafts - posted daily and sometimes written with the express intention of being terrible… but, you know, in an endearing way. This is the conclusion to Brain Curd #54, so please read that first.

Grace poured water into the glass in front of Brenadine, stopping exactly a half inch from the rim. She pulled back the pitcher and held it steadily, just as she was trained to.

“Would you like anything else to drink this evening?”

“Hmmm.” Brenadine leaned back in her chair and put her feet up on the table. “I drove here, so I think I’ll start with just two beers.”

Grace screamed internally.

“You know what, though? I’m ready to order my whole meal.”

Grace tilted her head. “Are you sure you wouldn’t prefer to wait for the rest of your party?”

“Nah. They’re all the type for sushi and gazpacho. Won’t touch hot foods with a twenty-foot fork. Whatever ya got in the walk-in that’s safe to eat cold, they’ll just have that. For me, though, I want the five courses of the day.”

Grace looked side to side, saw no one was looking, and leaned in to whisper. “Madam, you do know the five course meal is over one thousand dollars, do you not?”

Brenadine smirked and looked her in the eye. “I reckon you aren’t even supposed to talk prices at the table… are you?”

“I just wouldn’t want there to be an unpleasant situation later on.”

“You best believe there will be if you don’t give my order to the kitchen.”

Grace stood up straight. “Of course, right away madam.”

She speedwalked to the kitchen and set the pitcher down on the counter. “Table ten wants the five-course. I’ll be back in a minute.” She then went to the bar and filled two glasses with their finest beer. Grace figured if money was no object for Brenadine, she’d at the very least puff up the minimum gratuity.

Grace returned to the kitchen and took the plate for the first course: a single smoked quail yolk on a sesame cracker. She arrived at the table with that plate and those two glasses of beer. Brenadine began chugging one immediately and slammed it on the table, punctuating it with a loud belch.

“Oh, hell yeah!” Brenadine slammed back the first course and moaned with pleasure.

Grace stood there awkwardly, waiting for her to stop, but she just kept going. The best way out was to slowly and subtly back away.

Course two: miso-infused sous vide coconut served over a bed of rice, topped with beluga caviar. This was a larger plate than the first - at least two bites for the average person, maybe three - but Bernadine swallowed it practically whole. And the reception was much the same as for the first course - perhaps louder.

Course three: a deconstructed fruit salad aspic selection - in other words, fancy virgin Jell-O shots. Brenadine seemed less interested in this part of her meal. The two beers seemed to have made her a bit introspective.

“Grace, be honest with me.”

“Okay.”

“Am I obnoxious?” The false lashes were falling off of her left eye.

“Uh… your fourth course is ready.”

Course four: herb butter basted lamb chop with a rainbow chutney and saffron couscous. Bernadine’s head was on the table.

“Are you alright?” Grace asked.

“No.” Bernadine wiped her nose on the table cloth. “I’m not alright. My husband left me and I’m going to die alone.”

“No… no, you’re not going to die alone. You’ll find someone new.”

“No I won’t. People barely put up with me. I barely put up with most of them.” Tears ran down her cheek. “I loved him, Grace.”

Grace hesitantly rubbed her back with one hand. “It’ll be alright.”

“Maybe. But maybe now I have everything except what matters.” She sniffled. “I should go. I’m ruining the place for everyone else.” Bernadine fished around in her purse for her wallet and pulled out a credit card. “Here,” she threw it on the table. “Keep it.” She got up and walked away, but turned around to say one more thing. “You can have my dessert. Thank you for listening.”

“What about your lamb chop?”

“I’m not hungry.” She waved it away. “Take it.”

Bernadine stumbled away, zig-zagging across the restaurant until she found the curtain which hid the owner’s office. She looked it up and down, pushed it out of her way, and stumbled in. Grace moved to stop her, but Winston held her back by the shoulder. She looked him in the eye, and he nodded.

“Take the rest of the evening off, Grace. Sorry I couldn’t warn you.”

Grace sat down at table ten to eat the fourth course. It was delicious, and certainly more filling than anything else she’d brought to the table that evening, but nevertheless it was fleeting. Winston brought her the final plate.

Course five: a matcha ice cream rose served on a bed of dark chocolate brownie soil. The rose was a contradiction - despite sublimating liquid nitrogen into a thin fog, the outer petals wilted and melted before her eyes - it was too delicate to save from its fate. She took a spoonful to her mouth and savored it: rich, airy, bittersweet.

[msfbgraves]

Having to wash cigarette smoke out of your clothes is no longer a thing.

How do you mean sun tanning and lead in gasoline will kill you?

Anti vax movement? ANTI vax movement? You're insane.

Life is so incredibly fast. If you really wanted to know something before you had to go to the library and look it up in physical media. You had pictures of the news maybe once a week in the cinema. Now it's constant and everywhere.

The abundance of consumer goods and yet we have food deserts.

In their day, billionaires built huge public monuments. Now they complain about not getting a hard on during private space trips.

Video games are pretty awesome.

Way less open racism. It's there but at least people in Mississippi don't get lynched for voting.

Exactly what happened during the AIDS crisis?

Mass air travel. Everything about it. When they grew up it was either highly exclusive or military.

GPS is a godsend. They used paper maps and sometimes you didn't arrive for hours. It happened.

Texting, ah, they remember telegrams but they were starting to go out of fashion.

Holy shit we had a black president

Holy shit Nazis are working with the president?

They would have liked to have been involved in the Civil Rights Movement.

Why are there no TRAINS? Also hells yeah bullet trains!

Indoor bathrooms everywhere!!

Women poc senators. Good.

Holy shit Broad Spectrum Antibiotics. But what is MRSA?

Nanosurgery. They agree.

People have vitamin overdosis now? They grew up with ricketts.

No more polio and artificial pancreases? Good.

Oppy the - we went to MARS???

Forget Yugoslavia, can someone explain Pakistan?

They built a Wall in Berlin? For forty years?

Nuclear waste ...?

Decolonisation - good, the US should try it, but what is Zimbabwe?

What, in very broad strokes, is the deal with Cuba? Also China.

No but back up. The Nazis did what? No one is that evil, the Nazis did what?

What is wrong with aspic tho?

Why do you have to take your shoes off before getting on a plane? And why can't you visit the pilot?

No but life goes so fast no one has any time ever.

Music is incomprehensible they weren't even around for Elvis. They would be fascinated by the Sixties though as a gateway to the world they live in now.

Jeans everywhere. Nobody ever wears a hat.

They don't mind that you can't randomly smack kids anymore. They definitely had grumpy neighbors that did that in their youth. Kids that weren't theirs.

I'm writing a story for Steve and Bucky and for research purposes I have a question for fans.

What are things the things that would be new for Steve and Bucky?

From political aspects (Like Yugoslavia no longer exists) to small things for day to day life, like the inventions of microwave.

[adobe-outdesign]

Aspic fumes AU with the new DHMIS show. Jobs is just the trio walking around in a factory. Death is Duck believing he's dead while the other two befriend some pink putty. Family is Lillie and Todney trying to invite them over to their house only for Red Guy and Duck to leave while Roy picks up Yellow Guy after dinner. Friendship is the trio believing they have a computer and Warren believing he's an eagle. Transport is Red Guy playing with a toy train and stealing a car. IDK for Electricity.

Electricity is the trio convinced that they're experiencing a blackout when in reality they just haven't flipped the light switch yet

[san-fics]

Multi-group-Chat

Text fic

MultiNoir, Ladynoir, Marichat, Adrianette, Ladrien, DJWifi

AO3

Part 4

01:30 pm

Private messages Ladybug - Chat Noir

MyLady: why do u hate Adrien?

MyLady: r u jealous?

Kitty: really?

Kitty: what does he have that i don’t?

Kitty: fan girls? Pretty face? Fame? Money?

MyLady: Chat

Kitty: cause i’ve got that all covered

Kitty: the only thing

Kitty: he seems to have yr vote for him over me

MyLady: Chat

MyLady: u’r my partner

MyLady: i’d never choose someone else over u

MyLady: in battle

MyLady: i just don’t get it

MyLady: why r u so much against him?

Kitty: that’s simple

Kitty: he failed u

MyLady: Chat

MyLady: u weren’t there

MyLady: how can u judge him?

Kitty: neither were u

Kitty: anyway

Kitty: u can have him

Kitty: but i prefer Luka

Kitty: just for u to know

MyLady: SM knows Luka’s id

Kitty: it didn’t disturb u during wishmaker

MyLady: i didn’t have much choice

MyLady: but if we train Adrien

MyLady: we may have this choice

Kitty: what ever

MyLady: thank u, Chat

Kitty: u know i can’t fight u, my lady

Kitty: u have power over me

MyLady: kitty

MyLady: don’t

Kitty: ...

01:43 pm

The team - group chat

Carapace: why everyone left?

Carapace: i feel lonely

Rena Rouge: i’m here, babe

Rena Rouge: but it looks like some things r better to be discussed in PM

Rena Rouge: u know, by our main couple

Ladybug: we r not a couple

Chat Noir: yet

Rena Rouge: see, babe?

Rena Rouge: those were the magic words for LB and CN to appear

Ladybug: Chat

Chat Noir: u know u love me

Chat Noir deleted a message

Chat Noir: i have to be on the alert when new guys appear on the team

Ladybug: Chat, will u add him?

Ladybug: i’m not an admin for this chat

Chat Noir: but u r the admin for this Chat

Ladybug: kitty

Chat Noir: i love when she calls me that

Chat Noir added Aspic

Rena Rouge: and here i thought it was already the top level fun)

Rena Rouge: hey Aspic

Carapace: greetings, dude

Ladybug: welcome to the team, Aspic

Multimouse: hello Aspic

Chat Noir: u r on training, don’t relax too much

Ladybug: Chat

Aspic: umm, hello?

Aspic: what am i doing here?

Aspic: are u all superheroes?

Aspic: i thought i failed

Ladybug: don’t say that, Aspic

Ladybug: u’ve done a great job

Ladybug: and we want u to do even better

Chat Noir: which won’t be too hard...

Ladybug: Chat

Chat Noir: sorry

Chat Noir: we welcome you in the team, Aspic, and will gladly train u

Carapace: wow, more passive-aggressive here

Carapace: i thought it was the Ladybug/Multimouse thing

Aspic: Ladybug can’t be like that

Aspic: she’s perfect

Ladybug: kfusgaiflcbaueod

Ladybug: sorry

Rena Rouge: here it comes

Chat Noir: u right, she is

Chat Noir: i guess it’s something we can agree on

Chat Noir: anyway

Chat Noir: i’ll make a schedule and send here

Chat Noir: if someone can’t cower their night, we’ll fix it

Chat Noir: i think it’s better to have stable pairs for few patrols

Chat Noir: then we switch

Chat Noir: Ladybug can have the snake

Chat Noir: Rena and the turtle can go together

Chat Noir: princess is with me

Aspic: schedule?

Aspic: princess?

Aspic: umm

Ladybug: i’ll explain everything on our first patrol

Ladybug: don’t worry

Rena Rouge: :)

Ladybug: Chat

Ladybug: what about us?

Chat Noir: what about us?

Ladybug: our patrols

Chat Noir: we fight akumas like every day

Chat Noir: plus the team needs us more then we need each other now

Chat Noir: it’s not like we’re a couple

Ladybug: ...

Ladybug: r u still mad at me?

Chat Noir: no

Chat Noir: but they need a training

Chat Noir: patrols are a good starting point

Ladybug: u’r right

Aspic: who’s Multimouse?

03:14 pm

Private messages Nino - Adrien

Nino: dude

Nino: u were tired today

Nino: r u ok?

Adrien: sure

Adrien: just a late night

Nino: reading fanfictions again?

Adrien: it was just once, Nino

Nino: right) i believe u

Nino: so

Adrien: so?

Nino: what with all the glances?

Adrien: what do u mean?

Nino: at school

Nino: i trust u didn’t stare at my girlfriend

Adrien: bro

Adrien: i would never

Nino: i know, bro

Nino: but it makes me wonder

Nino: Marinette?

Adrien: what about her?

Nino: dude, i’m not blind

Nino: u couldn’t keep yr eyes of her

Adrien: me???

Adrien: and Mari?

Adrien: we r just friends

Nino: right

Nino: that’s what i thought)

Nino: anyway

Nino: u won’t believe what’s happening

Nino: we have a superhero group chat now

Nino: and brand new heroes no one’ve seen yet

Nino: and we’ll patrol the city in pairs now

Nino: i’m so glad i can share with u now

Adrien: wow

Adrien: this sounds cool

Adrien: u deserve it, Nino

Adrien: u’re great

Nino: i’m only worried about the couple

Adrien: the couple?

Nino: Ladybug and Chat Noir

Adrien: r they a thing?

Adrien: i didn’t know that

Nino: haha, neither do they)

Nino: it’s just obvious for us

Nino: but not for them

Nino: kind of like u and Mari

Adrien: me and Mari?

Adrien: but we r friends

Nino: that’s what they think too

Nino: anyway

Nino: what i’m worried about, is that they fight over those other new heroes

Nino: if LB have chosen someone herself, why would she dislike her?

Adrien: that sounds strange

Nino: but then again

Nino: there’s Chloe

Nino: so u never know

Nino: and Chat Noir

Adrien: what about him?

Adrien: is he being annoying again?

Nino: no, not at all

Nino: i was really mad when i said that

Nino: he is actually very professional

Nino: especially in organizing a team, it turns out

Nino: but the thing is

Nino: i thought he was really into Ladybug

Adrien: me too

Adrien: what makes u think he is not?

Nino: Multimouse

Adrien: Multimouse?

Nino: it’s a new mouse hero

Nino: well like old new mouse hero

Nino: anyway

Nino: Chat Noir definitely got it bad for her

Adrien: bckemaoafheuian

Adrien: my phone fell

Adrien: why do u think so?

Nino: he is like overprotective of her

Nino: especially with Ladybug

Nino: and he calls her princess

Nino: in front of LB as well

Nino: and he was like puppy all around her

Nino: even in the chat

Nino: and took her for a date

Nino: and it seems the date went well

Adrien: from what u’re saying it sounds bad

Adrien: but maybe he is just being friendly?

Adrien: he seems to be fair to Ladybug

Nino: maybe he thinks so

Nino: but i think he’s long gone under the princess’s spell

Adrien: hmm

[part 1] [part 3] ... [part 5]

[more MLB fanfic]

[struckbythestars]

Bonjour, bonsoir peut-être, et si comme nous vous ne vous embêtez pas avec les salutations guindées : Coucou,coucou !

On voulait faire un petit post pour présenter la fanfiction que nous sommes en train d'écrire, parce que... et bien, elle nous tient à cœur cette histoire !

1975, Poudlard :

En ces temps sombres et troubles, les élèves du collège Poudlard sont encore à l'abri au sein des murs du château. Il s'agit aussi de la cinquième année des Maraudeurs, de Lily, Mary, Marlène, Dorcas et de Severus Rogue. Entre romance, chamailleries, anniversaires surprises, transformation en animagi, magie noire, trahisons et parfois comédie musicale, les adolescents devenus trop vite adultes doivent faire face au monde qui les attend après qu'ils aient passé leurs ASPICs. La guerre est toute proche mais l'insouciance doit encore subsister.

Nous espérons que ce résumé vous a plu ou tout au moins intrigué et on vous retrouve bientôt avec un extrait du premier chapitre.

XOXO, les autrices.

[christianstepmoms]

Are there any cool environments that you would like to see more of in fantasy books / tv shows / games / movies ? For example: mushroom fortresses, desert oasis towns, subterranean castles, etc.

I really want to see fantasy settings in late 1800's - early 1900's aesthetics. The old west, 20's art deco cityscapes, the industrial revolution. Dwarven bandit train heists, high elf yuppies eating suspension aspic hors d'oeuvres at a kinetoscope film debut. Half-orc newsy kids trying to get a quick buck off of well-to-do human businessmen. I want to see a Halfling Sherriff and his Half Orc Deputy have a Good, Bad & The Ugly quickdraw showdown with a bunch of Dragonborn outlaws next to The Town Saloon, full of drunkards and tiefling jezebels working the upstairs brothels. Old washed up wizards trying to get into Engineering science and cheat by using magic when they cant figure out a practical application/solution to something.

I don't even think the setting could necessarily be mutually exclusive with traditional Castle and Dungeon aesthetics as I think an interesting story could be made out of how the Old World is dying and making way for an industrialized future (For better or, more likely, for worse).

[16ruedelaverrerie]

how do you draw Nines?? is it like this? 1. draw soft boi ( Connor) 2. erase those puppy eyes and give him cold dead orbs and eyebrows that could shank someone. am I close???

YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY CORRECT, ANON. That having been said, just to state the obvious, ALL RK900S ARE PRECIOUS AND WORTHY: “Dead-Orbed Eyebrow Shanker” Nines, “Erotic Asphyxiation Guru” Nines, “Emotions Are for Children and Italians” Nines, “Soft and Wet” Nines, “Babey’s First Day at Pre-K” Nines, “Gay and Unhinged About It” Nines, THEY MUST ALL BE CHERISHED

Sometimes I give Connor and Nines different bone structures, or maybe I just think about giving them different bone structures and don’t actually do it??? Do I even know how to bone structure in art? Debatable. This blog is not a place for representational accuracy so a lot goes fast and loose around these parts. It’s all good SO AS LONG AS NINES IS CHERISHED

If it’s the Apollo addressed in that one Cassandra comic, TRULY, WHAT THE FUCK, APOLLO, RIGHT???

It’s nice when that comic makes the rounds without it turning into a reblog fight about how Cassandra ~deserved it for breaking a promise to Apollo~ and how ~the original myth explains why she was in the wrong~. I think I’ve written enough about my opinions on those stances to have purged myself of the need to write any more, but still, very pleasant not to have to think about it!

Oh gosh definitely not a professional in re: art! Not only because I struggle a lot with basics and technique, but I don’t have the work ethic, either! But that’s okay! I have fun here regardless, and I’m very happy to hear that you enjoyed looking through the blog! Thank you thank you v v v

WHAT’S UP KNUCKLEFUCK my god I have not been accused of being Ana Marie Cox in 10+ years, THIS... IS A FLASHBACK EPISODE. Are you Ana Marie Cox?!

RBR was such a meaningful time for me! I suppose my politics have changed since -- or rather, I’ve learned a lot about how my politics were not being served adequately by elected officials -- but what I remember most fondly about RBR is our vernacular, the in-jokes, and the moments when we were the most determined to make RPF resemble real people as little as possible. Our sloe-eyed ex may be in the rearview, but RBR, I think of you all the time.

Aaaaa thank you so much, I’m glad they were a good time! :’) IT APPEARS THAT I’VE PEAKED VERY EARLY, BUT I WILL CONTINUE TO PLAGUE THIS FANDOM UNTIL I AM DRUMMED OUT OF TOWN

YOU SHOULD BE SORRY ABOUT THIS!!! YOU COME INTO MY HOME, DUAL-WIELDING MONSTROUS DISCORD-BASED ALTERNATE UNIVERSES OF BOTTOMLESS HORROR, SMASHING THEM TOGETHER TO FORM ONE GIGANTIC MONSTROUS DISCORD-BASED ALTERNATE UNIVERSE OF BOTTOMLESS HORROR!!!!!! I most definitely did not even consent to Teletubby Vacuum Nines, that is not even a monstrosity that I signed up for

I really wish that there were a better way to share these “you had to be there” trains of thought with people, because I’m sure that literally everyone has accidentally come up with horrible things that make them laugh for years to come, and yet so much of their charm is impossible to capture in subsequent explanations. Like how would you go about explaining JELLO NINES? “Well it’s that jelly is very... versatile... and we talked about Gavin deciding that if he can make anything out of aspic, he can make a boyfriend out of aspic too... and it’s just very funny to think that a Nines made out of jelly, a QUIVERING TRANSLUCENT DUNGEON BOSS, is for some reason MUCH BETTER LOVED BY GAVIN THAN THE ACTUAL NINES”

I cannot draw this, Sun. I cannot draw this because I cannot explain it. I cannot draw it... but I will love it to my dying day

!!! THIS IS AN HONOR thank you very much! I am grateful for this follow, given with absolutely nothing received in return! I suppose I can say for myself that I don’t update frequently enough to clutter up your dash overmuch, which is a small but truthful thing. I also just generally like shooting shit about fandom-at-large and tropes in the abstract, so I know that we have things in common beyond the vagaries of what particular fandoms we are involved with!

I wonder what my Thoughts on Yaoi are at the moment, I should gaze inwardly and poll myself on this very important matter.

[automotivespicetraining]

Embark on your journey to become an expert assessor in Automotive Spice with QMGC's Intacs Provisional Assessor course. Enroll now to gain the knowledge and skills needed for success!

[everydayoriginal]

Lin by Ron Lemen

This is Lin.

  She’s a gland artist or a spit-sculptor, holding one of her most recent pieces in this portrait.  She’s a Khepri living in Aspic Hole, in New Crobuzon.  You should pick up one of her sculptures soon, I hear they are going to be worth a lot some day.  Hop on a train at Perdido Street Station, you should be able to get to her stop from there.

  Lin is acrylic and ink on Cottonwood Illustration board, 5″ x 7 3/4″ in size.

VIEW DETAILS brought to you by Every Day Original

[foreficfandom]

The Arcana - Cooking For MC (Headcanons)

-- Asra -- 

Life as a street orphan makes cooks of us all. If he wasn’t a child desperately stealing fruit, he was a teenage magician earning coppers to buy scraps from the butcher and bartering for old, bruised squash. He quickly had to learn how to stretch his meager rations as far as he could, and cooking was the way to do it.

He’s come a long way from the one single pot he and Muriel would squat over while hiding away in the docks. Now, he and you happily enjoy a consistent diet of fresh groceries, sometimes he cooks and sometimes you do. 

All his cookery he learned in Vesuvia - pasta, lentils, chickpeas, tomatoes, cumin, basil, ocean seafood. The both of you don’t quite earn enough to splurge on the good cuts of beef, but you never have to worry about going hungry. 

And you don’t have to worry about bland, burnt food, either. Asra can reliably hold his own in the kitchen. He doesn’t exactly follow recipes, just tosses together stuff according to what feels right in his heart. A holdover from the days where he had to improvise all his food. 

There’s more holdovers; he hates tossing away uneaten food, or groceries that have gone bad. He’ll keep the chicken bones to make into a broth for tomorrow. He never peel potatoes or fruit ‘cause the skins contain valuable nutrients. He cringes at people who throw away the heads of fish. The leftover fat in the pan is made into gravy, or pastry frosting, or soap. Occasionally, he and you give away your leftovers to the urchins that hang around the neighborhood. 

When it’s his turn to cook, expect traditional Vesuvian cuisine like flatbreads, hummus, and vegetable soup. Herbs used in the shop are sometimes thrown into the dish, like thyme or myrtle leaves. Asra’s cooking regularly gets to grace your stomach, and it’s very lovely and nice uwu

-- Julian -- 

Everybody who knows Julian holds vehemently that he can’t cook worth a damn. He’s not gonna poison you, but it’s true that he can’t do more than toss various things into a pot and pray that it comes out edible. 

So when he’s forced to cook, everything ends up tasting like the same sort of bland, unspiced mush. And it’s almost always boiled, never roasted or fried. He just seems incapable of not burning anything, so he avoids pancooking ingredients if he can avoid it. And even his soups tend to have burnt residue at the bottom.

Not only that, but traditional Nevevion cuisine ... can be an acquired taste in itself. Like pickled herring covered with beet mayonnaise, cold aspic on toast, and really, really salty fish roe. He grew up eating actually good food cooked by his adopted family, but it’s unfortunately easy to turn a cabbage and potato recipe into nasty gross mush, especially under Julian’s hands. 

He knows he’s shit at cooking, but sometimes it can’t be avoided. Ready-made takeout isn’t always available in their world, so if someone needs to eat, they usually gotta cook. Cue boiled chicken and carrots a-la Julian. At least he added some salt, this time. He blames his Nevevion heritage for lacking an affinity for spices.

With shitty cooking skills come an ability to eat anything. Julian doesn’t turn down a dish if he’s hungry, even if it’s some bullshit. Except for spicy stuff - it’s like the only pain he doesn’t get off on. Just a little jalapeno in his rice will turn his entire face red and give him hiccups.

So say you don’t have time to cook dinner for the both of them tonight, he’d much rather the two of you go eat at an inn than force your divine tongue to be sullied by his dreadful meals. However, he can be taught to cook if you two can find the time, and will eventually get the hang of it. You and Julian in the kitchen, warm and cozy, teaching him how to make a good macaroni? Now that’s an afternoon date in the making.

-- Nadia -- 

Growing up royal meant Nadia never had to cook for herself. To some, it’d be very improper for someone of Nadia’s standing to ever cook, especially in the same kitchen as the servants. But in-between her piano lessons and fencing training and literacy/history/mathematic/public speaking tutoring, she also devoted some personal time in reading up on skills she wouldn’t have been taught - like gardening, jewelry craft, and also cooking and baking.

She had this stint of candy-making when she was a teen, after seeing sugarspun candies in the market that were shaped into different, multi-colored animals and flowers. She would sneak into the kitchen and, with the help of particular cook friend, make candied nuts, meringues, taffies, marzipan. And with the skills she learned making candies, she also learned how to bake and cook various things.

Rarely did she ever get to exercise her cooking skills beyond a mere pastime. She had no one to cook for, nor enough spare time. So very few people knew she bakes a mean butter cashew cake.

One day, she just kinda absentmindedly mentions that she knows how to cook a few things, so you insist she show you, which kinda takes her off-guard and she’s a little nervous, because it’s been a long time since she busted out the ol’ apron, and what if you don’t like what she makes??

She goes to the kitchens and almost bails out, even briefly entertains the thought of passing off the chef’s cooking for her own, but chases that thought from her mind. The palace servants gets to witness the Countess roll up her sleeves with a determined grunt and go ham on some pistachios. 

You wait patiently in the solar (as she instructed), and Nadia brings up a beautiful tray of brightly colored nut-flour sweets with tea. Nadia herself is a little worse for wear, with a dusty face and tangled hair. But she’s thrilled to see you enjoy her cakes. They taste wonderful, doubly so because of the love she put into them.        

-- Muriel -- 

He almost always cooks for himself, ever since his street urchin childhood, and his skills have only improved while living in the woods. He’s no longer scraping mussels off of dock beams to boil in a thin cauldron, he’s hunting 8-feet-tall elk and using every inch of the animal, from boiling the hooves for aspic, to making sausages out of the intestines (the antlers are powdered for their magical properties).

It’s rarer that he ever wants for something he can’t produce himself. He boils his own sea salt, curdles his own cheese, presses his own oil. The problem is that he doesn’t make an effort to make delicious-tasting food. Unlike Julian, who cooks like shit but still enjoys the finer things in life, Muriel has access to super fresh and good-quality ingredients but is ruled by his practicality.

Living in the woods is tough. If the harvest was bad and all Muriel has is last autumn’s rice harvest, then its porridge for the next month. There’s nothing for it; hunting is unreliable even in an expert’s hands, fishing only a tad less so, and a simple wet season or early frost can ruin a garden quicker than a plague. 

Muriel may have said he didn’t need your help around the hut, but your help truly did make a difference when it came to food security. An extra set of hands made for less time and lighter work. Your influence also shined through his cooking; now, he actually does care if something tastes good, because you were eating it with him. Muriel could survive just fine on perpetual pottages, but you deserved better.

Hence, roasts that are actually seasoned, bread with jam and butter, and salt not just for preserving purposes. 

Cooking stopped becoming just a means, but a creative outlet for Muriel. He wanted to treat you, and in turn it became something special for himself, too. 

-- Portia --

The Devorak siblings have one collective braincell, and Portia’s got dibs on it. So she’s got the cooking skills that seemed to have eluded Julian, and she’s very good; the best out of the six. 

As a hand-maiden, cooking isn’t part of her duties, but to even get hired she had to prove she could hold her own in the kitchen on par with royal cuisine. It’s beyond simply being able to replicate a recipe, she knows how to carve game into the right cuts, memorize the seasonal harvests, estimate temperatures by touch, and other complicated kitchen sciences. 

Portia spent her life traveling on ships, so she’s witness many a worldly cuisine and it’s influenced her skills. Nothing impresses a table more than introducing some ‘exotic’ spice and using it right. Her own personal favorites are from all corners of the land. Her dinner spread can consist of Hjalle shrimp pancakes, Galbradian green bean broth, Prakran flatbread, and lamb roasted in an underground oven like they do in Firent.  

Once she has the opportunity to cook (or bake) for you, be prepared for a storm. You’re never gonna have to want for good cuisine again, not if Portia has anything to say about it. Even the little things she makes, like her strawberry jam or workhouse-style bread, taste great. You ask her why she doesn’t pursue a career in cuisine, and she replies that cooking is an outlet for her, not a job. Plus, she’s far from a ‘truly skilled cook’, according to her. That honor’d go to Mazelinka. 

A lot of her budget she’ll happily relinquish to cooking, such as imported spices or the expensive cuts of game. She knows that the smallest difference in quality - such as in the salt, or vinegar, used - can make or break a dish. Her kitchen is always fully stocked with groceries and ingredients. One of her big splurges was investing in an icebox, and before she had you, a magician, in the picture, she was indeed buying ice to keep her meats fresh.

Whether its a wrapped lunch or weekend roast dinner, Portia will always want to spoil you in the best way she knows how; through your stomach. Your waistline might be less happy, but like heck Portia’d take pudge as a negative.

-- Lucio --

He’s been Count for over two decades, but before that he was a rough-and-tumble mercenary. And before that, he grew up in the infamous Scourge Lands, where etching out a living was always a matter that teetered on the brink of a knife.

He had to learn how to live tough. The Scourge Lands are no lush forest like Muriel’s backyard, it’s a flat tundra with limited vegetation and even lesser animals that aren’t more likely to kill you before you kill them. The entire clan’s been living off of bitter turnips for weeks, but finally a family of boars are scouted. Now you just have to take down a bear-sized boar while circling around five others who all want to gore you. 

Even cooking can be a struggle. Life as a mercenary meant trying to strike fires on cold, damp wood in a freezing drizzle, and keeping it lit long enough to roast the skinny fish you managed to spear. It meant knowing which plants were edible and which caused three nights of stomach pains, and also being willing to resort to digging up grubs when you’re really on the brink of starvation.

So does he know how to cook? Yeah, he can roast meat over a fire and know when its safe from pathogens, but other than that he’s lost. He was so happy to finally have cooks and servants to serve him entire banquets. Never did he learn (nor want to learn) how to bake bread, or fry potatoes, nevermind suckling pig or creme brulee. 

If come a time where you and Lucio are away from the precious palace kitchens, he’ll rely on his wallet to buy the two of you a nice meal. If the two of you are lost in the wilderness, don’t worry, Lucio to the rescue and you can trust him to forage something, and grill it on a hot rock. No salt, though. Not even water to wash it down, if you’re really unlucky.

Still, it’s kinda a surprise to eat Lucio’s emergency field cooking, because it’s not awful. The best anyone can do in the circumstance, even. Make sure to tell him that, he’s always fishing for compliments. 

[avarkriss]

sw character colors: cursed edition

thanks i absolutely hated this :,) 

Palpatine #393315: murky, flat, stale coffee, the sound of a dentist’s drill. 

Jar-Jar #FF018C: sticky, exuberant, bubblegum toothpaste, the sound of spring peepers shattering a muggy summer night. 

Jabba #4C570D: dishonesty, arrogance, and the sound/taste/smell/image of aspic jelly. 

Grievous: ruthless, calculating, overripe melon at the end of summer, the sound of train whistle at 2:30am. 

Count Dooku #01594C: apathy, calculating but in a different way that’s hard to explain, over-steeped green tea. 

Salacious B. Crumb #B45563: this character is only on here because every time I hear or see his name I see this exact color and my mouth tastes like banana laffy taffy. 

Watto #7FB206: shifty, avarice, the smell of a gasoline canister and menthol cigarettes. 

characters that didn’t make me nauseous here

.・��.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Masterlist

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

[heathtrash]

1905. Hecate Hardbroom is boarding a steam train on her way to her late mother's cottage-turned-guest house, where she works as a housekeeper - but she ends up sharing a train compartment with a mysterious stranger who turns out to be not quite such a stranger after all.

fao @merricatsgarden​!!!

Edwardian AU hackle!!!!!!!!!

plus a lil Hecate & Mildred for the soul

fits the hackle summer trope challenge prompts “retreat”, “confessions”, and “last day of school” in a very minor way if you squint

did NOT intend this to go so far, but it got away from me like a runaway train. ahaahaa (because it has a train in it)

lots of research went into this, and all the meals in the fic are from source texts from 1905 and before. there are still some inaccuracies and hand-wavery

here are some miscellaneous things i found out from my research/a few things i already knew but are fun to share (most of these are about food):

the turn of the century saw a great deal of advancement to perfumes. blended perfume oils with musk and ambergris and spices were expensive and worn by the upper classes. single-note florals were more of a victorian thing

lower classes would often try to emulate the silhouette that was fashionable in the day even if they couldn’t afford the fabric or elaborate trimmings. some older garments would be altered (sleeves saw the most dramatic change) to save money. home sewing machines made it easy to do this quickly

corsets! even servants would be corseted and some would even wear small bustle pads (to accentuate The Butt) even if they did not have quite as many petticoats. there was a corset called the “pretty housemaid” corset that was produced with the active servant in mind. lots of things can be done comfortably in a corset. corsets would be fitted specifically for the wearer and would feel supportive to the figure. however, in this era the s-bend or “health” corset was the fashion, creating a “pigeon chest” (or mono-boob). this was ironically one of the worst corsets for your lower back because they would have a straight front from chest to lower abdomen. tight-lacing was very much not the norm, however, and most images you see of edwardians/victorians with tiny waists were altered photographs or literally fashion plate drawings which were not how people looked

the edwardians ate chips. fries. raw potato deep-fried in oil or clarified butter. a kitchen maid purportedly complained about having to cut potatoes into “matchsticks”. they were served at fancy dinner parties. as in, the ten-course kind. they were also recommended for “invalids” on account of them being plain

£24 in today’s money is in excess of £9000 and is not just a number i pulled out of thin air to describe the cost of a lavish aristocratic dinner party - it was a real figure. an economical housekeeping book i came across said it was possible to feed three people (mistress, master, and maid) for a year on £52

edwardians wash their rice AFTER boiling it and set it to dry by the fire

the edwardian diet of the upper classes was very bad. miss cackle has possibly the right idea in going vegetarian, because the amount of meat they consumed in a single day meant that life expectancy was about 63 (if you reached 20) but i saw another source quote this figure as 42. many edwardians were resistant to the vegetarian diet and said it made them feel weak and drained, which isn’t surprising considering the quantity of meat they were used to eating

italian food was not very popular in britain. macaroni was a bit of a catch-all word for all pasta, or “paste” as it was known, but it’s still quite prevalent in the recipes i found. also mac and cheese is a legit dish for edwardians and could appear at a famcy dinner party, so think about that next time you eat it

french food was all the rage, and the fanciest of aristocratic families would have their own french chef prepare all their meals

lots of the wine in the edwardian era was quite sweet, and apparently most of it much poorer quality than the wines available today! madeira was the fashionable choice of a dessert wine over port

it was not unusual to drink champagne for breakfast

savoury jelly was a big thing. edwardians would have all sorts of food in aspic, in centrepiece-type affairs in magnificent moulded shapes

this is a bit icky but a cure-all for ailments was “beef-tea” and is tea in the loosest sense of the word. this was raw minced beef put in a jar of cold water and left somewhere warm for a few hours (e.g. next to a simmering pot). the axiom of the day goes “boiled beef-tea is spoiled beef-tea”. the liquid was drunk by the invalid and the “sediment” was always to be used later in a dish, for at this point, “much nourishment is in it”. i don’t think they knew that this is like,, top ten ways to make yourself unwell but there we go

[perpetualyetmildcrisis]

Props designing

Is kinda like being an adventuring character in a MMOPRG. I’ve been sent on endless side quests including:

• collecting ingredients for jiggly Aspic (google it)

• hunting down an axe discretely

• smuggling a live rat across campus from an undisclosed student every day for three weeks

• smuggling beer onto a dry campus and then dumping the alcohol somewhere where we won’t get sued

• lots of smuggling tbh

• doing a favor for the sound designer so in turn they can give me a trinket to use as stage dressing

• training a puppy

• finding a trifle recipe that can be made in two minutes and isn’t going to ruin a wedding dress

• hunting down the allusive costume designer to get the correct color pallet for wedding bouquets, then delving into deep dark storage, boldly going where few men have gone before

• Disypheirng what the fuck cast members are holding when they’re just miming with air all the sudden

• like we love you but what have you decided to hold buddy it’s tech week

• being awarded in XP and not $$