#ANYWAYS. if i gotta go over there sometime soon but i wanna spite them and just grab lancelot n leave.

[knighterrors]

my asshole dad n his fiancee: come get ur shit from our house since u wanna be selfish and irresponsible for taking care of urself

me:

my lancelot figure: *at dads*

me: for lancelot...

[kuroopaisen]

little changes | i (miya atsumu)

➵ miya atsumu is the bane of your existence. but, that means different things at different times of your life. 

PART TWO

wc: 6.9k (i know)

warnings: f!reader, cursing (too much tbh)

a/n: hi i couldn’t get this out of head so here you go,,, there’ll be a second part tomorrow 

The first time you'd met, he'd pushed you into a puddle.

"Slow down!" You yelled, chest heaving as you tried to catch up to the two boys ahead of you. Even at seven years old, their legs were significantly longer than yours.

The twins scrambled to a stop, looking over their shoulders at you.

"Hurry up!" Atsumu yapped. "If you can't keep up, we're gonna leave you behind."

"That's unfair!" You pouted, stumbling to a stop in front of them. "You can't just leave me out!"

Atsumu stared at you for a moment.

One clean shove, and you were on your butt, muck and water splashing up around you.

"What'd you do that for?" You yapped, looking up at the boy with a glare strong enough to kill a god.

"You were bein' annoyin'."

"Hey!"

"That's not cool, 'Tsumu," Osamu sighed, holding out a hand to you.

Atsumu shrugged, letting out a long, exaggerated yawn.

That was the day you decided that Miya Atsumu was your arch-nemesis.

Not much had changed since that day. Miya Atsumu was, to put it lightly, the bane of your existence.

Middle school brought him no maturity. If anything, he got worse. He treated you like a nuisance, your friendship with Osamu be damned. But unfortunately, the two of them were rarely apart. And apparently being around you was better than being bored.

"You can't spike a ball for shit," he mumbled, shaking his head at you.

"Oi, language!"

"Shuddup," he rolled his eyes, turning his back to you. "You're so borin'."

He always called you that. Boring.

You glared at him, clenching your fists. You were just trying to play along with them. Sure, your volleyball skills left something to be desired. But Osamu didn't mind. And you wanted to play with your friend, his shitstain of a brother be damned.

"Yeah, well–" You sucked in your breath, trying to think of something very cruel – but not profane, because you're only eleven and swearing is one of the worst things you could do – to say to him. "You're a bastard!"

He looked over his shoulder at you, one eyebrow raised. Did his silence spell your victory?

"Pig."

Nope.  

That was just the first of many monikers Miya Atsumu gave to you. He had so many, in fact, that it seemed he was allergic to calling you by your name. Pig seemed to be a particular favourite.

But, you always prided yourself on being tough. It took more than a few paltry words to do some real damage to you. And you were determined to not let Atsumu get the upper hand.

And yet, some days he did. They were rare, but they stung like nothing else. It was the days he got possessive. The days he told you to piss off, that he wanted to hang out with Osamu and he didn't want you there to ruin it.

You told yourself that it didn't matter. That you couldn't care less what he thought of you. But it wasn't enough to shift that awful little feeling that came with being told you were unwanted.

"Don't listen to him," Osamu sighed, hand clumsily patting your back. "He's just… like that. He sucks."

You sniffed, wiping your nose with the back of your hand. "Yeah."

You were just mad at yourself for crying. Thankfully, Atsumu had stalked off before you'd crumpled. But still. You'd let him get to you. You were better than that, right? Better than him.

"I still like you," Osamu swallowed, fumbling with the right words to say in a situation like this. "I'll beat him up for you, if you want."

You shook your head, a little too vigorously. "Nah, I don't want you to get into a fight with your brother because of me."

That's what it came down to, really. The feeling that you were in the way of something important. Of something that mattered more than you. The spiteful look Atsumu would shoot you whenever Osamu spent time with you instead of him hurt most.

Osamu shook his head. "Nah, it's fine. I really want an excuse to deck him in the face sometimes."

You giggled at that. It was the first time you'd smiled all day. "Thanks, 'Samu."

--------

With each year that passed, Miya Atsumu seemed to get worse. And with each year that passed, you were baffled.

How could someone have such a garbage personality? And worse yet, why was he blessed with such immense talent? You weren't an idiot, and you weren't the sort to deny credit when it was due. The twins were good. You knew jack-shit about volleyball – you'd sworn off it ever since Atsumu had been such a bastard about it – but you knew enough to know they were impressive.

They were just first years, but they were already on the starting line-up of the volleyball team. And you were quite proud of Osamu for that. It was nice to see other people recognising his talents. He'd been humble enough about it, too. Atsumu was another matter, but you'd developed something of a talent for tuning him out. So long as he wasn't insulting you directly, you could ignore him quite well. Life was much better for it.

The only bad thing about Osamu joining the volleyball team was the fact that he now hung out with them. Which wasn't a problem, per say; you were welcome to join, and they were all cordial enough. No, the issue was that sometimes spoke about girls. And nothing was more infuriating than hearing teenage boys advise one another on how to impress girls.

"You're saying I should just… ignore her?" One of the second years frowned at one of the older boys.

"Yeah," the third year nodded. "If you ignore her, she'll get all anxious about it, and she'll keep thinkin' about you."

"Huh," the second year nodded, blinking slowly. "Isn't that kind of… I dunno… mean?"

"Very," you mumbled.

"Huh?"

"If you do that, you'll seem like an asshole. Girls don't like guys like that," you sighed, head rested on Osamu's knee as you looked up at the sky.

Hanging out with the volleyball team wasn't high on your list of favourite activities. But, you had nothing better to do.

"I thought girls liked 'bad boys'," one of the third years laughed.

"I don't wanna make any generalisations," you shrugged. "But it's better if you're friends first. So you've gotta be nice to her."

You had absolutely no experience to speak of. But it seemed like the right thing to say.

"You're only saying that because you've got a thing for Osamu."

You hadn't planned on a murder today. But Suna had just changed your plans.

"Do not," you mumbled, shutting your eyes. Don't bite back, you thought to yourself. If you bite back, they'll just tease you more.

You'd actually thought about it, once. You were sixteen, after all, and ready to yearn. But, as hard as you'd tried to convince yourself that you felt something more for Osamu had fallen flat. The thought of kissing him made you laugh, when it should've made you blush. You hadn't mentioned that to him, though. Having a girl laugh at the thought of intimacy with you was probably at least a little humiliating, regardless of who she was.

"You're lying on him as we speak," one of the team snickered.

"Because I'm tired." You opened one eye to take a glance at the team. You took a moment to visualise punching them all in the face, one by one. It was almost rhapsodic. "You all suck."

"You're not even good enough for 'Samu, anyway."

Oh. Oh.

You bolted upright, glare immediately honing in on him. "Excuse me?"

Atsumu raised an eyebrow at you. "So you think you're good enough for him?"

You opened your mouth to reply. Fuck, you didn't have anything snappy to say. Was strangling him out of the question? Oh God, you could feel your face growing redder by the second. You needed to do something–

"Oi, don't use me as an excuse to make fun of her," Osamu sighed. "You don't really think that highly of me."

"That's cold, 'Samu," Atsumu grimaced. "You really think I'd be okay with you datin' this cow?"

"What did you just call me?"

"Do you like it more when I call you a pig?"

"What on earth gave you that idea, you bastard?" 

Osamu rolled his eyes as the tirade began. Not a day went by without something like this happening. Atsumu said something contrarian, and you exploded like a little firecracker. You weren't the sort to start fights, usually. But there was something about Atsumu that always managed to get under your skin.

He'd hoped that finally entering high school would've taught Atsumu how to behave. He should've known to be wiser than to indulge himself in some wishful thinking.

"Does he always provoke her?" Aran asked, frowning.

Osamu nodded. "Uh huh. He gets a kick out of it."

"Hmm," Aran nodded, "knowing everything I do about Atsumu, that makes perfect sense."

"I keep tellin' her not to respond. It just eggs him on."

"Well, I guess it's kinda hard not to," Aran shrugged.

Osamu sighed. "Y'know, sometimes I just wish they'd get along."

Aran laughed, shaking his head. "Sorry man, can't see that happening any time soon."

--------

Being a teenager fucking sucked.

Getting dumped by an admittedly shitty boyfriend might've been some kind of rite of passage, but that didn't make it hurt any less. You'd tried to count your blessings, small as they may be. At least he hadn't dumped you over text, right?

Maybe it would've been better if he had dumped you over text. That would've given you a few hours at least to pull yourself together. Instead, he'd pulled you aside just before class had started, telling you that he was done with you. He hadn't even given you the chance to speak.

And then you'd had to walk into class and pretend everything was okay. A whole school day was far too long to try and pretend you had it together.

Behind the gym was the only place you'd managed to find the silence in which to mourn. You would've gone and cried in the bathroom if you could, but there was always someone in there. You didn't want to make a scene. And surely, nobody would come behind the gym.

"Oi."

Oh, fuck.

"What do you want?" You mumbled, lacking the courage to look at him.

"I was just tryin' to clear my head before practice," he said. "What're you doin' out here?”

"None of your business," you sniffed, your shoulders hunched and your fists scrunching the fabric of your skirt.

He sat down.

No. No, no, no.

"So," he cleared his throat, not quite looking at you. "I heard about… your ex."

"Great," you sniffed, rubbing your nose with the back of your hand. It'd already reached Atsumu? How much did he know?

"Are you… alright?" His voice was quiet, unsure.

"What do you think?" You hissed, drawing your knees up to your chest.

"Sorry," he mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck. "I just, uh… you've seemed kinda off today."

You shot him a look.

"Yeah, yeah, I know, I just…" He sighed, hanging his head.

You pressed your lips together, trying to sift through the jumble of thoughts in your mind. It wasn't that you'd expected your relationship with that asshole to last. Far from it. You just hadn't expected it to go… like this. Not after he'd taken so much from you.

"It's just that–" The words escaped from you with a hitched breath. "It's just that… I gave him a lot, you know?" You took a deep breath. You weren't about to admit everything to fucking Atsumu of all people. But you just wanted to talk. To put the pain into words. "And he didn't have the decency to… to treat me with respect. He… He…"

"Did he hurt you?" Atsumu's tone was sharp; sharper than you'd ever heard it. He still wasn't looking directly at you. If anything, that was a small comfort.

"Not physically or anything," you shook your head, relaxing your fists. "It's just that he… he treated me like shit. And… and I liked him more than I should've, I know that, but…"

You made a valiant effort at swallowing the lump in your throat. "It just fucking sucks, you know?"

You don't know why you're telling him all this. You'd already said more than you'd wanted to. But damn, did it feel good to get it off your chest.

Did you seem a bit pathetic? Fuck it. Atsumu already thought poorly of you. Letting him see you like this wouldn't be a massive hit to your pride.

And, to his credit, he's listening. You think.

"I think–" You sniffed, taking a deep breath. This was the worst part of all. "I think he's been hooking up with Eiko. Or, at least, he's been trying to."

"What, really?" Oh, he'd looked pissed. You'd never seen this amount vitriol in his face before. Not even when he was arguing with you.

"Yeah." You nodded weakly. You knew it probably wasn't Eiko's fault. And even if she had 'seduced' him, he'd still chosen to dump you over it. You just didn't have the energy to direct your anger at anyone but him.

"Fuckin' piece of shit," he grumbled. You could see him clenching his fists. You'd never thought he'd get this angry on your behalf. "I'm gonna kill him."

"Don't." You nearly reached over to grab his arm. But, you didn't. "Please, I just… I just want this to pass, okay? I don't want to create a mess."

Atsumu stared at you for one long moment. You knew he was weighing up whether or not he should listen to you. Then, he sighed. "Fine."

"Thank you," you mumbled, fiddling with the hem of your shirt. You didn't know what to say, now.

"Well," he cleared his throat, finally meeting your gaze, "if he tries anythin' with you, lemme know, okay?"

You blinked, your own brow just as furrowed as his.

"He's a pig," he grunted, "and… and you deserve better than that, 'kay?"

You stared at him. Had those words really just come from his mouth? "I thought I was the pig."

Atsumu said nothing. He doesn't know what to say. You'd never really interacted like this before. Without the barbs.

He wanted to say that, even though he makes fun of you all the time, you matter. Frankly, he doesn't really know what he'd do if you weren't there for him to pick on. He's used to you being around, you know? That bred at least a little fondness. And the thought that someone had genuinely, actually hurt you pissed him off.

But he doesn't say any of that. Because he doesn't know how to. Hell, he doesn't even know what that means.

"I, uh," he cleared his throat, standing to his feet. "I've gotta get back to practice."

He wants to tell you to text him if you need anything. But, he doesn't think that'll be very comforting, coming from him. So, he walked away.

"Hey, uh, Miya?"

He stopped in his tracks, just as surprised as you were. You never called him by his name.

"Could you, uh… could you keep this between us?" You asked, your throat alarmingly dry. "I'd rather 'Samu didn't know about this. I'm worried that… that he might do something stupid."

Atsumu looked over his shoulder at you. It's a small moment, a quiet one.

He just shrugs. "'Kay."

The next time you're watching them play, you're not just cheering for Osamu.

--------

It's over. Finally.

And you couldn't be more relieved.

Of course, you were going to miss your friends. And of course, all the changes that were about to come your way were fucking terrifying.

But high school sucked. And being a teenager sucked. You couldn't wait to move on from all of that. To make a real person of yourself. And you were going to Tokyo. Tokyo. You'd always lived in Hyogo; the thought of living somewhere so vastly different was downright exhilarating.

But before all that, you had to survive your goodbyes. You'd made it through the graduation ceremony well enough; in truth, you'd zoned out a little.

But now you were all outside, and it was finally time to say goodbye for good. And quite frankly, you hadn't expected to be so emotional. Honestly, you were just proud of yourself for keeping it together. Nobody else was crying – yet – and you'd be damned if you were the first person to lose composure.

You'd managed to say goodbye to most of your friends with a smile, and you'd even bid farewell to your beloved literature teacher without getting too miserable. Surely, there wouldn't be too many people left to see.

A flash of grey and yellow at your right.

Oh no. You had to speak to Osamu. That'd do it.

"Oi!" You called out, hurdling towards him.

Osamu turned around, raising a hand at you. Atsumu glanced in your direction, but he made no effort to greet you. Asshole.

"C'mere," Osamu smiled, opening his arms up.

You threw yourself into them, wrapping your arms around his neck as you supported yourself on your tip-toes. He smiled, chuckling in your ear. Good God, you were going to miss him.

"We did it," you smiled, squeezing him tight.

"Somehow." It was subtle, but you could feel the joy in his voice.

"Good job on getting into TSUJI," you beamed, dropping down as he released you from his grasp.

"Thanks," he smiled, reaching a hand up and ruffling your hair. "University of Tokyo’s nothin' to sniff at, you know."

You blushed, despite yourself. "Yeah, well…"

"Stop bein’ so humble," he said, punching you gently in the shoulder. "Make me proud, you hear?"

"You too."

And that's enough. That's all you need to say. He wasn't big on words, and that was okay. It had always been okay. You knew that you guys would stay friends. Even if everyone else fell away, if you drifted from all these people you held close… you knew you'd have 'Samu.

You heard a voice calling you. You straightened your shoulders, looking up at Osamu resolutely. "I'll see you this weekend, yeah?"

"Sure," he shrugged, nodding at you.

You smiled back, feeling that persistent sting at the corners of your eyes. Your eyes flicked over to Atsumu for just a moment. He'd turned away from you once you'd thrown your arms around Osamu, opting instead to speak to some of the first years. You wondered, for one short moment, if you should try and talk to him.

Nah.

You swallowed, turning around to walk towards whoever had called your name. If you spent any more time standing still, you might not be able to hold back the tears.

You felt a tug on your sleeve, pulling you downwards.

"Oi."

You'd know that voice anywhere. "You're so rude." You shot him a glare, straightening yourself out.

Things had mellowed out a little since that day behind the gym. You wouldn't go so far as to say you were friends; he was still abrasive, and you were still struck by the urge to punch him in the face whenever he came into your field of vision.

But his words had been a little gentler. Insults abounded, but he seemed a bit more mindful. Like he was checking your mood before pushing your buttons.

Or maybe you were just imagining it. Maybe you just wanted that weird little moment between the two of you to mean something.

"What do you want, Miya?" You sighed, after a long silence.

He'd just been standing there, completely silent. He hadn't even bit back. His lips were pursed as he stared at nothing in particular. What an earth is he thinking about? You wondered.

Then, finally, he looked at you. "Wanna live together?"

You froze. Why was he so… like this? "Excuse me?"

He shrugged, hands in his pockets and an obnoxiously bored look on his face. "That's easier than findin' a roommate, right? We already know each other, and we'll both be in Tokyo."

No congratulations. No words of kindness. Nothing. Just straight to business. You weren't sure if that or the offer he'd just made was more baffling.

You bit your lip. Could there be anything worse than living with this fool? Maybe you could end up with a shitty roommate – but he'd also be a shitty roommate. How much worse could a total stranger be?

"Hey. Dickhead."

You jumped, looking up to meet his eyes. "Oh, uh… Let me think about it."

"'Kay."

And then, he was gone.

'Kay? 'Kay? That's all he'd had to say to you? After asking you to live with him? How'd he even come up with that idea? Had Osamu told him to do it? Oh, maybe it was his parents. They were quite fond of you, after all. Perhaps they thought you could keep their son in line or something.

But that wasn't your responsibility! You didn't want it to be your responsibility!  

You shook your head. No, you weren't going to let this dominate your thoughts. You would worry about Atsumu later. For now, you just had to focus on getting through the rest of today.

--------

Your reasons for living with Miya Atsumu were simple.

One: you'd avoid each other. Surely, even if you were in the same apartment, you'd give each other a wide enough berth to ensure some sense of privacy.

Two: you could live like an absolute pig and it wouldn't matter. Who cared if you didn't do your dishes that evening? It only affected him. And fuck him.

Three: you'd heard one too many horror stories about friendships being torn to pieces because of shit like this. You didn't want to risk that.

Four: you didn't want to live with a stranger.

Simple as that.

And those were the four reasons you'd told Osamu, in a paltry attempt to justify yourself. He'd been sceptical, of course – and he'd said, without an ounce of goodwill, "you don't know just how bad he is to live with" – but he hadn't tried to stop you.

But one semester was already over and done with. And things were fine.

Honestly, you were still surprised that he'd even asked this of you. But, his reasons were his own, and frankly, you didn't care what they were.

Yes, he lived like a pig. And God, you'd heard him in bed one too many times because apparently he doesn't know how to be quiet.

"It's not my fault you're not gettin' any," he'd say. You always wanted to bite back and say that you were getting more than enough, thank you very much. You were just polite enough to be quiet. But, you always decided – quite wisely – that it wasn't an argument worth getting into.

But, there's something about the freedom of simply not caring if your roommate would get mad at you for some stupid mistake that made it all worth it. You were allowed to fuck up, to make all those silly mistakes every did in that transitory stage from high school to adulthood. Nothing you could do would ruin an important friendship.

You got to learn how to be a decent person without the consequences.

"Would ya mind if I had some friends over?"

Believe it or not, but this was a big step for him. A few weeks ago, and he would've just brought them over, your feelings be damned.

"When?"

"Thursday evenin'."

"What for?"

"Just catchin' up," he shrugged.

"Is this you asking me if I'm okay with it, or is it you asking me to get out of the house?" You raised an eyebrow at him, stirring your tea.

He flashed you a grin.

You rolled your eyes. "Really?"

"Come on," he propped his chin up on his fist, beaming at you from across the kitchen counter. "Surely, you don't wanna be around when there's a buncha guys in the apartment. Do you?"

"So you're going to bring them over regardless of what I say?"

Nevermind. This wasn't a step for him at all.

"Essentially," he shrugged.

You groaned, lolling your head back.

"Can't you just go to the library or somethin'?" He pouted.

"I don't have any assignments to work on," you frowned. "It's literally only week two."

"Aren't you always tellin' me it's better to get ahead early?" He raised an eyebrow at him.

You narrowed your eyes at him, biting the inside of your cheek. "Week two's overkill."

"Well, just… do your weekly readings or somethin'."

"I'd rather do them from the comfort of my own bed."

Atsumu groaned, running a hand through his hair. "Look, I already told 'em they could come over."

Oh, you were so ready to throttle him.

"Can't you just… make yourself busy?" He shrugged. "I don't want you to be uncomfortable or anythin'."

"You should've thought about that before inviting them over," you growled. "Shit, what are you planning on getting up to, anyway?"

He shrugged. "It'll just stress you out."

"Miya, what the fuck–"

"One of the guys thinks you're hot."

You blinked. He really knew how to be blunt, didn't he?

"And?"

"I can't promise he won't try'n hit on you."

"Yeah, and?"

Atsumu shrugged. "I dunno. I just… thought you might be a bit uncomfortable with that."

"How does he even know what I look like?"

"I showed 'em a photo."

Oh God. Of course he did.

"Why on earth would you do that?"

"I mentioned that my roommate's a chick. They wanted to see."

"Miya," you sighed, gripping your own hair. "What – and I cannot stress this enough – the fuck?"

"It didn't seem like a big deal at the time," he tilted his head at you, smiling. "I mean, I'm just as surprised at you that someone finds you attractive–"

"Shut up."

"– but I just thought you should know. Clear things up before they get too awkward, you know?"

No, you didn't.

But, you didn't really want to have this conversation anymore.

"Fine," you sighed, turning to pour the rest of your tea down the sink. For some reason, you didn't really want it anymore. "I'll find something to do."

Shouldn't be too hard. Maybe a bar or a pub would have a student's night. Maybe one of your friends would be free. There was always something to do in the city. 

"I owe you one," Atsumu grinned. You had half a mind to knock his teeth out then and there.

"You really do," you sighed, rinsing your cup out.

"Already got something in mind."

"Sounds like there's a catch," you mumbled, looking over your shoulder at him.

"No catch," he held his hands up, giving you what you assumed was his best smile.

"Has anyone ever told you you've got an untrustworthy face, Miya?"

"All the time," he grinned. "Nah, but really. No catch."

You titled your head at him, waiting for a proposal of some kind.

"I'll buy you pizza."

You scoffed. "Really? That's your consolation?"

"I'll get you the expensive shit," he shrugged. "Friday night. Promise."

"Can you even afford anything that's not from the cheapskate menu?"

"Can you?"

You shrugged at that one.

"Nah, I promise, it'll be good," he sighed. "I'll make it worth it, 'kay?"

--------

Friday nights were for Atsumu.

You weren't quite sure how it started. Something to do with him being exhausted from volleyball practice. Something to do with you being exhausted from university. Something else about how neither of you had any energy left to go out and socialise.

Whatever it was, you'd settled into a comfortable rhythm. Friday night, pizza, and a shitty movie.

These days, you actually liked having him around. Not that you were going to admit to it, though. No, you'd rather die than do anything like that.

You weren't quite sure why you'd suddenly adjusted to him. Was it because you'd known him for so long? Even if he was an absolute nuisance, he was familiar. Someone you could be a goblin around, without having to worry about him wanting to end your friendship over it. No, you'd been involved with each other far too long for that.

And honestly, it was kind of nice to have someone to relax around. While you'd managed to find some people you clicked with at university… making friends was hard. There was no-one you could be an absolute pig with yet.

So, Atsumu would do for now.

You'd just finished watching Neil Breen's Fateful Findings. It had been surprisingly easy to find a copy with Japanese subtitles; that being said, you didn't feel it had given you any clarity as to what was actually going on. Atsumu had loved it, though. He'd already tried throwing some of the quotes back at you. That was sure to make him harder to live with for at least the next week or two.

"Wanna play Smash?" He was sprawled out on the couch, looking at you with a painfully cocky expression.

"Absolutely not."

"Worried I'll beat your ass again?" Did he have to smirk after every second thing he said?

You glared at him. "Wanna say that to my face?"

He grinned, turning to face you head on. "Worried I'll beat your ass again?"

"I was having an off day," you mumbled.

"Wanna prove that, or…"

You bit the inside of your cheek. If you did play, there were two possible outcomes. The first was that you won. If you won, it'd shut him up, and you could go on with your pride more or less intact. The second was that you lost. And you weren't quite sure if you could handle his ego.

"I'll prove it to you right now," you snapped. "On this couch, with my fists."

He blinked at you.

"You're going down for good, Miya."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," you nodded. "I'm gonna make you squirm like the worm you are."

He laughed. A real, genuine laugh. The sort that relieved all tension from his body, erasing any hint of his usual insufferable expression.

He was actually kind of handsome.

You'd always known he had a nice body – you weren't blind, you were just too proud to admit it. And it'd gotten even nicer since graduation. Practice paid off, it seemed.

And there was something appealing about his relaxed air. About how he didn't seem to take life too seriously. It almost made him enjoyable to be around.  

Maybe that's why so many girls were interested in him.

Wait, no. They only liked him because they hadn't spoken to him yet.

Oh, right. Girls.

Something shifted in your chest. Something you had never noticed before. Something so quiet, so understated that you hadn't even realised it had made its way in there.

Oh God, you thought, what the fuck is happening to me?

Whatever it was, you didn't like it.

Miya Atsumu was hot. That, unfortunately, was a fact you were now uncomfortably aware of.

"Oi." A hand was being waved in front of your face. You jumped. "Pay attention, you pig."

Oh, nope. There he was. There's the Atsumu you were used to.

"You're a fucking bastard," you mumbled, shrinking into yourself.

You're weren't quite sure what you were saying. You'd just flicked onto autopilot. But you knew that your words were comfortable, familiar. Little insults that a child would throw around. Anything to stave off whatever that weird stirring in your stomach was.

--------

In many ways, realising Miya Atsumu was actually kind of hot ruined your life.

Were you being over-dramatic? Probably. But had things changed? Definitely. To a large extent, it was on you; glances stolen when he wasn't looking, your mind wandering to places it really shouldn't.

But he'd been acting up, too. Standing far too close to you when you were in the kitchen – close enough that you could feel his chest against your back, reaching over your head to grab a cup while damn-near draping his body over you, walking around without a shirt on in the common area…

One time, when you'd dressed up all nice for a friend's birthday, he'd brazenly checked you out. He hadn't said anything – he'd just stared. When you asked him what was wrong, he just shrugged and told you to have fun. And, of course, he'd smirked at you. You'd been ready and willing to kill him.  

Whenever you were on the couch, he always seemed to reach over you and take the remote himself instead of simply asking you to hand it to him. And sure, that wasn't all too weird – but he tended to get really close, and catch your eye for just a moment with that little smirk on his lips. Each and every time, you felt like you were going to explode.

You'd taken to sticking pillows between you on the couch, because you wouldn't be surprised if he decided to lay his head on your lap or some shit on a whim.

Maybe he was messing with you, but this sort of behaviour wasn't totally un-Atsumu. You'd seen him act like this with people before. It's just that you two had never really been close enough to warrant it. Was it just a symptom of the fact that you guys were kind of friends now? Was he just treating you like everyone else?

But some part of you was even angrier at that. You didn't want to be treated like everyone else.

God, you felt stupid for even feeling like that. Especially when you'd had an awkward morning chat with a few of his bedfellows – where each and every time, you couldn't help but marvel at the fact that he was punching so far above his weight. How on earth were people this beautiful paying attention to him?

That was starting to make more and more sense recently.

You tried not to think about it.

But that was getting harder and harder to you. You'd been kind of lonely. Some quiet part of you wanted a serious relationship; someone to come home to of an evening, to relax and unwind with. You'd even been actively looking. Not that you were about to admit that to anyone.

But men are shit. Especially ones in their early twenties.

But as resolutely as you believed that, there you were, preparing for yet another date. You'd have a particularly messy string of disasters recently; men who did little more than stare at your tits, men who had nothing interesting to say, men who thought that being an asshole was a personality…

Tonight, you hoped, would be different. Sure, you'd met this guy in an econ elective – you'd needed something easy to bring your GPA up – and that certainly wasn't a point in his favour. But, he'd taken in interest in you, despite the fact you'd never really spoken before. A few months ago, you might've turned him down. But surely he'd be better than the drivel Tinder unfailingly turned out.

Only problem was that he wanted to go somewhere chic. Somewhere fancy. Somewhere that was, quite frankly, out of your comfort zone.

"Another date?" Atsumu scoffed, leaning on the doorframe to the bathroom.

"What's it to you?" You grumbled, leant in close to the bathroom mirror. You couldn't get your makeup to look how you wanted it to; everything just seemed a little wonky, a little uneven. And your foundation hadn't settled nicely into your face. It just sat there, a tacky second skin you just wanted to slough off.

"Nothin'," Atsumu shrugged. "You've just never gone out on a Friday before."

Oh. That's right.

You shrugged, biting your cheek. "It's the only day he could get a reservation." In truth, you hadn't even thought about it.

"Same guy as before?"

You shook your head. You couldn't actually remember the last guy you'd told Atsumu about. The amount of bad dates you'd been on was getting embarrassing. "Nah. This one's a classy bastard."

He snorted. "You're kiddin', right?"

You shook your head. "I'm going to have to let him pay for the date because I genuinely don't think I can afford it."

"Yikes," he chuckled. "You know, I never really took you for a gold digger."

You had half a mind to throw your mascara at him. "Shut up."

"If you keep faffin', you'll be late."

Shit, He was right. You checked your phone. 5:25. You had five minutes to leave. You picked it up and made your way to the door, ready to squeeze past Atsumu. You turned, dashing back to the mirror and poking at your hair.

"Stop worryin'," he chuckled, waving a hand at you as he began to walk away. "You look nice."

Those words stuck with you all the way to the restaurant. They were so simple, so innocuous, but… They were touching, coming from him.

And when your date was talking to you about something you simply didn't find interesting, you couldn't get that look on Atsumu's face out of your head.

--------

The date was a veritable disaster. Possibly the worst you'd had in a while.

First of all, the guy was a total asshole. And not just the Atsumu kind – no, this one was rich. He'd had his entire life handed to him on a silver platter, and it showed. You could tolerate it, at first. But when he'd literally said, "I don't think the poor should be allowed to vote," you knew you couldn't stick around.

Second of all, you couldn't stop thinking of Atsumu and his damn smirk.

You'd gotten up without even giving your date an explanation. You'd stormed out of the restaurant in a rage, resolute on walking all the way home.

Why did it always turn out this way? The guys were either assholes, or far too self-centred for a proper relationship. If they were neither of those things, there was just no chemistry between the two of you.

God, were you the problem? Were good people just not attracted to you?

What were you supposed to do?

To top it all off, it began to rain when you were just halfway home.

As you slammed the door, you looked as awful as you felt.

Atsumu flinched, sprawled out in front of the television. He sat up a little straighter, looking at you from over the back of the couch.

"Yikes!" He scoffed. "You look like shit!"

Your breath caught in your throat. No. No, you weren't going to take this from him right now. Not tonight.

"Y'know, you wouldn't've gotten rained off if you'd just stayed in," he chuckled, propelling himself off the couch and ambling his way over to you. "What a waste…"

He came to a stop in front of you, hands stuffed in the pockets of his sweatpants. He had that look on his face; that insufferable smirk he whipped out whenever he'd beaten you in something menial. That smirk that, in any other circumstance, would've made you want to punch him. But tonight, it just made you want to cry.

"You haven't said anythin'," he frowned, tilting his head at you. "You okay?"

You wanted to lie. You wanted to tell him that it was fine, that the mascara dappling your cheeks was just the result of the rain.

But you couldn't. You couldn't get the words out of your mouth.

You took a deep breath.

You stopped breathing. His arms were around you, pulling you into his chest. It was rough, the embrace of someone who wasn't used to tenderness. There's this strange stiffness to it, an admission that he doesn't really know what he's doing. But as he rests his head on your chin, you couldn't be more grateful for his efforts. Your hands found their way to his chest, balled up and tense.

"Hey," he mumbled, "hey. It's going to be okay."

You looked up at him, your throat sore from holding back a sob and eyes stinging from unshed tears.

Maybe it's because you're emotional. Or because you're tired. Or maybe it's because you're lonely, and he said a few nice things to you today.

You kissed him.

It's hot, open-mouthed as your fists grasped his shirt, pulling him down to meet you.

Your head is swimming; what the fuck is happening?

 His arms tensed around you, his lips moving to meet yours.

This is what you want. This is what you've wanted for a while now. You hadn't wanted to go on all those shitty dates. You hadn't wanted to waste your time with men you didn't care about. What you'd wanted was–

He froze.

So did you.

His hands are holding your forearms firmly as he stepped back, an inscrutable expression on his face.

"No, baby." He shook his head. "Not like this."

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

You flew down the hall, slamming your bedroom door.

You sank to the floor, arms finding their way around your knees. You didn't want to cry. You didn't want to dignify this evening with that. You weren't going to pity your own shitty mistakes.

Fuck the date. That wasn't even the worst part of the night.

You'd just kissed Miya fucking Atsumu. Things were finally going okay between the two of you. He'd been treating you like a human being.

And now you'd ruined it.

[writefightandflightclub]

Mixed signals

Author’s note: just a quick, simple hit of pure fluff, sweeties. Wrote this super quick idk. 

Summary: you are Poe’s favoured comms officer, and it means so much to him to have your voice on the end of the line during a mission. You’re great at comms. You’ve talked him through some tough times. So why in the hell can’t he get you to speak to him when you’re face-to-face? And will his cute idea to get you talking work?

Warnings: hell, not a one.

(GIF by @cmorgana​)

Poe has grown pretty fond of you over the past few months. The first time he spoke to you was over the comms, when his usual signals operator was injured and you were drafted in. He liked your style and you gelled well, and soon after he requested with the General that you be assigned to him and his squadron permanently whenever he was out on a mission. He trusted you to get the job done clearly, calmly, and decisively. You always stayed admirably cool in a crisis. And, to be honest, the other guy had always rubbed him up the wrong way, which was the last thing he needed when already under pressure.

He has come to depend on your voice on the other end of the line. Particularly the way you go over and above for him. Sometimes you talk him down if he’s scared on a mission -whether on the ground or in the air-, you boost him up when he’s hopeless, and sometimes you’ll even just keep him company through a private channel on his long flights home. You’re even ballsy enough to call him out when he’s being a dumbass, which he respects, even if he doesn’t admit it at the time. Your voice is often his lifeline, his saviour, and he’s losing count of the number of times you’ve guided him back home. 

But when he’s face-to-face with you things are different. He can’t -for the life of him- get you to speak to him. It’s not like he hasn’t tried, of course. Case in point, the first time he spoke to you face-to-face, when you had just a couple of missions under your belt together, didn’t go down so well. He’d sidled over to your table in the canteen, thinking that he wouldn’t mind grabbing lunch and introducing himself to this (cute) new recruit he’d laid eyes on.

“Hey. Can I sit here?” he asks with a broad smile. “I don’t think we’ve met?”

“Yes, Commander Dameron.”

He recognises your voice instantly, suddenly turning goofy when he realises it’s you. “It’s you! From the comms!” he exclaims, with a succession of finger guns, cringing inwardly even as he does it, a heat slowly rising up his neck.

“Yes, sir. It’s me from the comms.” you slink away immediately, setting your empty tray down on the side without so much as a smile. He’s left sitting there alone, feeling like a bit of a buffoon, if he’s honest.

From then on, even in spite of that, he couldn’t stop wanting to talk to you. Your voice, the way you were with him on the comms already... did things for him, got him thinking about how he’d like to spend more time with you. But meeting you in-person, seeing how gorgeous you were, it had only cemented his attraction to you.

So, he tries again. And again. But no matter the situation, the topic, the time of day, the weather, you always seem to clam up and disappear, tight-lipped. For someone apparently skilled in communications there has definitely been some kind of break down between you. Maybe you’re just shy, he thinks; hopes, at first. But after a while he comes to the conclusion that you simply don’t want to talk to him unless you’ve been ordered to.

Finally, after months of pining, after becoming desparate to recreate the rapport he has with you over the radio, he just has to know what he’s doing so wrong. Did he piss you off? Is there something about him that you find deeply offensive? He needs to get you talking, and after some consideration, he figures out a way to do just that. At least, he has an idea and he prays it doesn’t make things any worse.

So, to implement his master plan, he approaches you in the canteen one day. He pulls you aside and softly asks if he can borrow you for a minute.

You clear your throat and respond stiffly. “Yes, sir.” 

He smiles thinly when you fail to call him Poe, yet again, but motions for you to follow him anyway. He leads you into a spare bay in the hangar -now cleared out while everyone dines or hangs out in the mess hall- and gestures for you to tak a seat in the chair opposite him. Seeing the nervousness, discomfort in your expression, your tense shoulders, he reassures you that there’s nothing to be concerned about. It’s just a comms exercise. Then, he passes you a little hand-held radio and asks you to close your eyes tight.

“What’s happening?” you say, clutching the device in your fingers, your brows furrowed in confusion as you perch on the edge of your seat, clearly unwilling to relax.

“I’m going to ask you a few questions. And I just want you to close your eyes and talk to me like I’m in the air, ok? Just imagine I’m in my X-Wing, and you’re in the control room.” he sees a soft, subtle smile pass over your lips, sees you visibly unclench, just a little.

Maker, he likes looking at you. It kinda makes his heart flutter. Great, and now he’s getting nervous; he hopes this isn’t another of his utterly dumbass ideas. Only one way to find out, as per usual. Dive in.

“Black Leader to Nav Six. Do you copy?” He calls out, then mimics the “kchhh” sound of the radio.

You hesitate, your lips twitching up at the corners, but you respond. ���Nav Six, I copy.”

“Do the noise.” he prompts you, with a gentle whisper. 

You shake your head in confusion, flashing your teeth in a good-natured smile all the same. “Nav Six, I copy. Kchhh.”

“Black Leader to Nav 6. How’s your day going? Kchhh.”

 “It’s getting a little weird, over. Kchhh.”

Poe notices your nose crinkle in amusement. He finds it adorable, and can’t help but smile in response to you. “Ok, Nav Six, I got eyes on the prize.” You must be able to hear the smile in his voice, because you reciprocate with your own broad grin. He always swears you can detect the emotions in his voice better than anyone. Always know what he’s feeling, often better than he does himself. Maybe that’s why your face drops as his tone switches, becoming more serious. Again, you mirror his expression unconsciously. “I gotta ask, Nav 6. Why do you talk to me on the comms but never face-to-face. Over.”

The radio drops from your lips and your face scrunches in mild distress. He swears a flush creeps up your neck, your skin beginning to glow with a soft sheen. He watches as you let out an audible, nervous breath, but determinedly bring the radio back up to your mouth. “Your voice alone is bad enough and then face-to-face? I have to look at you too?!” you blurt out.

“Wow, OK. Kriff. Copy. Loud and clear. Black Leader out. Kchhh.” He sits back in his chair, defeated, face agape. Maker, he hadn’t quite expected you to be that blunt. But at least he had some answers now. Mission complete?

“No, wait! I mean...” you appear to clutch the radio a little more tightly, screw your eyes up a little further. He watches your shoulders rise as you suck in a slow, deep breath. There’s something more. Something worse?

Searching your face, he leans forward again in his chair, his voice soft and gentle. “Talk to me Nav Six. Over.”

After one more long inhale you blurt out: “I have a huge crush on you, Poe!”

Oh. Oh. It’s a classic case of mixed signals.

“What?! You do?!” he smiles in utter delight, a warm feeling spreading through his chest, giving him jitters. Happy beeps. Happy kriffing beeps. 

And now that you’re talking you can’t seem to stop.

Your hands are clasped together nervously, your shoulders practically tucked up next to your ears but you’re talking. “On the comms I can hide how I feel, a little, but in real life you’re so damn handsome and you smell too good and you make me so kriffing nervous that I can’t even speak.”

Now this. This he could work with. He scrapes his chair across the floor to come closer to you, and you bite your lip with apprehension as you hear the sound.

“Tell me more,” he encourages. “Why didn’t you say anything sooner?”

You huff a little. “I was trying to avoid you finding out because it’s embarrassing and... and there’s no way you can like me back.”

He just looks at you, checking you’ve finished your outburst. Unbelievable. You really have no idea how utterly perfect you are, do you? You gulp as he shuffles his chair closer to you once again. He must be close enough for you to smell him now, he estimates, as your nostrils flare slightly, your breath quickens a little.  

“Ok. Let’s review, Nav Six.” He can’t keep the smile off his face at the fact you still have your eyes screwed tight shut. “Some of that was correct- I’m handsome. I smell great. What I wanna know is why is there no way I can like you back?”

“You’re Poe Dameron...”

His eyebrows jump up in surprise and confusion. “What does that even mean?”

You laugh, hopefully realising how silly that sounds out loud. 

Then he simply asks you: “Open your eyes.”

“Nuh-uh.” you shake your head, nibbling nervously on that delicious lip of yours.

“Fine, if you really don’t want to see me when I tell you I do like you back.”

Oh, you open your eyes now. You open them wide.

His eyes crinkle at the corners as he finally gets to gaze into yours. He looks up at you from beneath his pretty lashes, a little more nervous himself now. “In fact, I like you so much that I don’t even mind if you get all spluttery and nervous. If this is any indication? Then, it’s adorable on you anyway, quite frankly.” He reaches out tentatively to take your hands in his, scraping his chair a little closer. “But one thing I do kinda mind” he says, dropping his voice a little into his throat “is not getting to talk to my favourite person and look them in their gorgeous face at the same time.”

You’re grinning. “Are you done? Do the noise.”

“Sorry, Nav Six.” He says, matching your grin. “Kchhh.”

You giggle, and he just looks ardently at you, drinking you in. He traces his thumb affectionately along your jaw line, under your chin, over your bottom lip.  Your breath hitches. 

“See, this is exactly what I mean..” you say, becoming evidently flustered.  “You ... you make me feel really... nervous.”

He leans in until his lips are almost on yours, enjoying the effect he’s having on you already. “Hmm, but I only wanna make you feel good, baby.”

Then he presses his mouth to yours, and suddenly... you’re giving him all the right signals.

[neonthewrite]

Sleepover at Adrian's

It's time for the final prize from the 2021 Trust Contest! This is set in the A Little Bit of Family AU (DA) (Ao3), also known as the Adopt Oscar AU. It's just full of good feels and happy moments for itty bitty Oscar.

Charlie, Sawyer, and Elisabeth belong to @creatorofuniverses and she was consulted in the making of this story!

Reading time ~10mins

~~~

Oscar had a list. Lists helped him keep calm about otherwise stressful things, things with too many steps to count on his hand. Even exciting things could be overwhelming. His list was meant for one of the more exciting things.

"Hey bud, whatcha got there?" Sawyer's voice broke Oscar from his thoughts.

Osar held up the paper so Sawyer could see it. “Hi dad! It's my, it's my list for the sleepover! I gotta make sure I bring everything I need when I go visit Adrian!"

Sawyer scanned it, humming thoughtfully. “Looks good, kiddo, but you forgot one thing.”

"Huh?" Before Oscar could check his list again, Sawyer swept him up into a squeezing hug and planted a kiss on his cheek. Instead of concern, Oscar overflowed with giggles.

"Now you have everything," Sawyer announced.

Oscar had to calm down from his giggles to retort. "I didn't forget! I'm gопnа give hugs an’ kisses before I head out! Th- the list is for what I need in my bag!"

Sawyer gasped, playing up his realization. “Ohhhh, I gotcha. Then I guess this-" he kissed Oscar's cheek again, really smushing his face with the action, "-is just for fun. I gotta take what I can get before you head off with your auntie."

Oscar squirmed so he could wrap his arms around Sawyer's neck in an earnest little hug. As he did, Charlie returned from the storage room, where he'd been working off some nervous energy by tidying. Oscar waved at him.

"Mom! I finished makin' my list! Dad looked at it. I'm gonna have all the stuff for my sleepover!"

"Very good, love," Charlie said, making his way over. In some wordless communication, Sawyer handed Oscar off and gave Charlie's shoulder a gentle squeeze. Charlie grinned at Oscar. "You've gotten so good with your lists. Very responsible."

“I like having ‘em, just in case,” Oscar agreed. “Maybe I’ll have an idea for a list to make while I’m visitin’ Adrian.”

Charlie chuckled. “If you do, remember you can ask Adrian or your auntie for help with the spelling,” he reminded him.

“What am I spelling?” Elisabeth chimed in, causing both Charlie and Oscar to jolt in surprise. When Charlie turned, they found Elisabeth had come in via the storage room entrance, and she wore a teasing grin. Her bag, slung over her shoulder, was just as full as Oscar’s, no doubt due to her own list of necessary sleepover supplies.

Oscar giggled again as Charlie set him down. “My list! If I make a new one,” he explained. Then, he pointed at Elisabeth’s bag. “Did you make a list for your stuff too?”

Elisabeth shifted the bag on her shoulder. “I didn’t,” she admitted. “Guess I’ll need your help remembering everything tomorrow. Are you ready to go?”

Oscar looked over at his bag, which sat by the hacky sack chair. It bulged with a spare set of clothes, his pajamas, and some toys. His trusty teddy bear leaned against it, guarding his things. “My bag’s full,” Oscar assessed. “An’ my list is all checked.”

“It’s a start, poppet,” Elisabeth chuckled.

Oscar nodded, then turned to Charlie and Sawyer. “I promise to be good, an’ I’ll write you a letter, just like when I stay at auntie’s, okay?”

Charlie and Sawyer grinned, endeared as ever by their son’s dutiful insistence. Even with Charlie’s quiet worry about him being away for a night, they trusted Adrian and Elisabeth to look after him. They knelt down to pull him into a squeezing hug anyway, Charlie planting a kiss atop Oscar’s head. “We can’t wait to read it, love.”

“Have fun, kiddo,” Sawyer added, giving them both a squeeze.

Oscar giggled, but soon enough he’d gathered up his bag and his teddy bear, stuffing his folded up list in with the rest of his things. He took Elisabeth’s hand and they shared a grin before heading out.

His grip tightened on her hand as they left, nervous excitement settling in. He’d stayed at Elisabeth’s a couple times. He had fun in spite of his nerves for being away from home - he missed his bed and the familiar rooms that he’d helped his parents build.

This time, the plan was to spend some time with Adrian, their human (the friendliest human ever, if Oscar were to decide). Oscar hadn’t taken much convincing. He had fun with his art lessons with Adrian.

Still. He couldn’t have worked up the nerve to ask if Elisabeth hadn’t volunteered to come along.

“I-I wonder if we’ll surprise him,” Oscar mused; they were on the way to the living room entrance above the human’s desk. “Dad still surprises him sometimes.”

Elisabeth snickered. “Well we can certainly try,” she suggested. She gave him a playful grin and a light squeeze of his hand. “We’re quite sneaky, aren’t we, poppet?”

Oscar giggled and squeezed her hand right back. “Yeah,” he whispered. “W-we’ll try!”

At length, they found their way to a door leading onto a shelf above Adrian’s desk. Oscar and Elisabeth peeked out with the door open only a crack to survey the room. Even with a friendly human, they couldn’t ignore those habits. Humans were dangerous to them and the viri couldn’t forget that.

With a couple major exceptions, one of which sat at the desk absorbed in a sketchbook.

Adrian never paid much attention to the door up on the shelf - he had a cup of pencils in the way, and made an effort not to bother the viris' entrances. It made the perfect spot to catch him by surprise. Even after all this time, Sawyer could still sneak up on him.

Oscar reminded himself of those stories as he crept out into the open. He sent Elisabeth a conspiratorial grin over his shoulder, squeezed his teddy bear close for a beat, and then stepped around the pencil cup. "Hi, Adrian!"

Adrian tensed and his gaze whipped up to the shelf. A smile broke over his face. "Hey, you made it! Didn't even hear you come in!"

Oscar giggled. "Yeah! Me an’ auntie are sneaky just like dad. It's time for our sleepover to start! Whatcha drawing? A building?" He sat at the edge of the shelf and leaned forward for an upside down view of the sketchbook.

Adrian chuckled and turned the book around, angling it up so the viri could see it. A few pencil drawings of regular old household objects adorned the page. "No buildings today," he admitted. "It's good to practice all kinds of subjects."

Elisabeth joined Oscar on the edge of the shelf. “Those are lovely. Oscar's been practicing drawing all kinds of things too, haven't you, poppet?"

"Uh huh, I've been drawing made up flowers, an’ um, some animals, and I, I drew some clothes, too!" Oscar announced proudly.

Adrian nodded, everything in his expression encouraging. “That sounds great, Oscar. We should draw more tonight too. I’d like to see how your practice is going.”

Oscar grinned. He’d been counting on Adrian wanting to do an impromptu art session. His lessons were some of the most fun Oscar had. Adrian had all kinds of art supplies. “Yeah! We’ll make lots of fun pictures!” he declared.

Elisabeth chuckled. “What else do you plan to get up to?” she asked, leaning into Oscar to nudge him. “Does your list have an agenda on it?”

“Oh, um,” Oscar stammered. “I didn’t wanna, I didn’t think we needed to plan too much, auntie,” he admitted, some warmth growing in his cheeks. Truth be told, Oscar wasn’t fully sure what the options were. It would surely be different from the times he spent the night at his aunt’s.

Adrian came to his rescue. “That’s alright, we don’t need to worry about that like we do with lessons.” He turned his sketchbook around and closed it up as he spoke. “You’re here to hang out for the whole night, and that’s a lot more time to fill than just one art lesson. We’ll make it up as we go along,okay?”

“That sounds fun,” Oscar agreed. He looked up at Elisabeth hopefully. “Is that okay?”

Elisabeth laughed, then abruptly wrapped Oscar up in a hug. “Of course it’s okay, poppet, I was only teasing,” she assured him. “We’ll go with the flow, it’ll be fun! You just have to decide what you want to do first!”

Even with some of the pink lingering in his cheeks, Oscar laughed along with her. “I was, I was thinkin’, I did have an idea,” he stammered out. Looking at Adrian, he asked, “Could we, could we try hide and seek? I mean, out in the rooms instead of in the walls where I usually play? Auntie an’ mom used to play it when their humans were gone, but maybe it’d be fun to play hide and seek with our human!”

Adrian raised his eyebrows. “I bet it would be very different from your usual games,” he agreed. “We can definitely give it a try, so long as we all know the rules first.”

~~~

It didn’t take too much time for the three of them to work out the ground rules of their game. Adrian would wait in his bedroom for five minutes. Oscar and Elisabeth had that time to find a place somewhere in the living room to hide - they wouldn’t go into the hallway or the kitchen. After some thought, Oscar determined that he and Elisabeth would hide together. His teddy bear would keep watch from the shelf up on the desk; Oscar didn’t want to drop him out in the middle of the floor in all the excitement.

With their rules decided on, Adrian retreated to the other room, his phone ready with a timer. He promised he’d call out every minute that passed so they knew how much time they had left. Oscar practically buzzed with excitement.

“Careful, poppet,” Elisabeth warned, though there was an endeared chuckle coloring her voice as she hooked her climbing string to the edge of the desk. “Don’t get too antsy to climb your string!”

“I won’t,” Oscar promised, preparing his own hook and string with the yellow button tied to the end. “I’m just excited!”

True to his word, he was careful as they made their way down from the desk. The wide open room might make them nervous in any other apartment. Here, it was a safe expanse where the resident human would be mindful of them.

It was also full of good places to hide. Oscar scanned the whole room avidly as soon as his feet touched the carpeted floor. “Maybe the couch? O-or the bookshelf? What about the curtains?”

Elisabeth grinned. “All very good places,” she agreed. “It’s too bad we aren’t hiding in the kitchen, hmm? I could show you my trick with opening the drawer!”

Oscar nodded. He loved the stories of Elisabeth’s antics with Charlie when they were kids. It was a glimpse of a family history that Oscar was grateful every day to be a part of. “Maybe, um, maybe after this one,” he mused.

“Four minutes left!” echoed down the hallway from the bedroom, and Oscar jolted.

“Come on, auntie!” he insisted, grabbing her hand. “Let’s go hide under the couch!”

Elisabeth laughed and let him lead her across the floor. Oscar sent her a few glances over his shoulder, always sporting a mildly mischievous grin. They were going to make Adrian work hard to find them in their hiding spot for certain; Oscar could hardly wait for the reaction they would surely earn. Adrian hadn’t even called out the three minute mark before they ducked out of sight under the colossal furniture.

While Oscar had been content to merely hide under the couch, Elisabeth, slightly stooped under the low clearance, pointed up at one of the thin support struts that kept the whole thing more sturdy. It was in easy reach for her, and there was a narrow space between it and the lining under the couch. The two of them could easily slip into that space if they stayed lying down.

Oscar’s eyes widened and he nodded, silent even though the human was rooms away and couldn’t possibly hear them. He let Elisabeth hoist him up under his arms so he could reach, and soon had scrambled his way up onto the board. Elisabeth was close behind, wriggling into place . “Don’t let your legs hang over the side,” she teased, her voice barely more than a whisper.

Oscar snickered, keeping his voice as low as he could. “He’s gonna be so confused!”

“Ready or not, here I come!”

Adrian’s voice stopped any further whispers. Soon enough, his gentle but unmistakable footsteps returned down the hall, slowing as he reached the living room. Adrian tended to move carefully even without knowing a pair of viri hid somewhere around, waiting for him to seek them out.

“You guys have a lot of options in here,” Adrian mused aloud, his voice somewhere overhead and muffled by the couch. Oscar heard the smile in his tone. “I might be looking for you all night. Past dinnertime, even!”

Oscar gasped, scandalized. Beside him, Elisabeth put her finger to her lips, though she looked like she wanted to giggle herself.

Adrian meandered around the room, occasionally moving a few things around on the shelf or coffee table. He took his time with it, and Oscar’s grin only grew. By the time the human crouched down to peer under furniture, Oscar had a hand over his mouth to hold back any giggles. He shared a glance with Elisabeth as Adrian’s gaze scanned under the couch, right past their hiding spot.

When Adrian was about to push himself back off the floor, Oscar finally gave in and released a giggle. Then, he squeaked when the human’s gaze returned, this time zeroing in on them. “Oh!” Oscar blurted, trying to duck back out of sight.

Elisabeth laughed too. “Ah, he found us, poppet! Guess we won’t miss dinner after all!”

Only half of Adrian’s face could really be seen from under the couch, but his amusement was clear. “I wouldn’t have let you miss dinner, Oscar, promise,” he said. “This is a very good hiding spot, though, I never would have noticed.”

“I got too many laughs in me,” Oscar admitted. Beside him, Elisabeth wriggled free of the support strut and hopped down. He let her help him down to the floor too. “But next time I’ll keep quiet! I got all my laughs out now.”

Adrian snickered. “I don’t mind if you laugh, it makes my job a lot easier,” he teased. “But we can get through plenty of games either way, and we won’t even miss out on dinner. Wanna try again?”

Oscar nodded eagerly. “We have time for at least a little more hiding and seeking.”

Elisabeth ruffled Oscar’s hair as the pair of them made their way back out from under the couch. “We have all the time in the world, poppet.”

[andyet-here-we-are]

Head Over Feet

Words: 4,057 Chapters: 1/1

Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion

A/N: Thanks @3tothe1 for checking my errors. You are the best, sweetheart.

Additional Tags: Soft Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia,  Angst, Hurt/Comfort, but not that much angst etc so no worries, Fluff, Geralt writes a song for Jaskier, Geralt sings to Jaskier, mention of nightmares, Happy Ending

I hope you enjoy reading this, my dear Witchlings! 💛

(P.S: I highly recommend listening to Jonah Platt’s “Head Over Feet” cover since I was inspired by it, but shhh, we’re gonna pretend that Geralt wrote that song.)

***

“No, Jaskier. I won’t fucking sing. You better stop waiting for it.”

“But Geralt!” Jaskier whined, “You promised me!”

Yeah, right. The promise Jaskier wasn’t supposed to hear in the first place.

The promise Geralt was more than glad he had heard nevertheless.

“And now I’m saying that won’t happen.”

About two weeks ago, being the foolish, brave bard he was, Jaskier had tried to distract a Slezaerek so Geralt could kill it effortlessly. It had worked, but not without a cost, sadly.

Jaskier was hurt in the progress of doing that, and “Witchers don’t have feelings” his ass, Geralt was more than terrified that he was going to lose his little hummingbird for good this time.

“Just keep your eyes open, please,” the Witcher had almost begged as he tore a strip from his already ripped doublet and tied it cautiously around Jaskier’s wound to stop the bleeding.

“You need to keep your beautiful eyes open, understood? Jaskier? Do you understand?”

He wasn’t supposed to sleep. He shouldn’t. Because the thing with Sleazaeraks was, getting bitten by one meant there was no waking up ever again if you fell asleep.

Too bad the poison they had in them was enough to put a whale to sleep.

“And w-what’s in it for me?” was Jaskier’s answer, eyes already heavy with sleep. The antidote  the Witcher made him drink wasn’t near enough to what he needed, yet he still hoped that it would be enough to keep Jaskier awake for a while.

“Keep your damn eyes open,”  Geralt wanted to say.

And maybe the old Geralt, who rarely expressed his feelings to anyone unless those feelings had gotten something to do with anger, would say that.

But what left his mouth instead was: “I’ll sing a song for you if you hang on, if you don’t fall asleep. Just hang on till I get you to a healer.”

“Promise..?” The bard’s eyes had closed for a second before he revealed his baby blues to Geralt again, “you have to promise. It feels so tempting to sleep right now, my dear. You–”

“I promise. Hang on for me, little hummingbird. You always wanted to hear me sing, right? You have to hang on then.”

Thanks to all the gods in every religion -if they even really existed- Jaskier had managed to stay awake with Geralt’s help.

“I’ve been waiting for this moment all my life!” Jaskier walked towards him with loud and determined steps, breaking the Witcher away from his thoughts.

“You have been waiting for only two weeks. Don’t be dramatic.”

“No, I’m not being dramatic, I’m being honest. You stop talking rubbish. I’ve been waiting for this moment all my life!” Jaskier insisted with a little, cute frown, making Geralt let out a small chuckle.

Yennefer rolled his eyes at the bard, “Ever the dramatic. Also, honest? Really? You are the most dishonest person if your songs are anything to go by.”  

“You. Lying. Snowman.” The dramatic bard in question ignored her, poking Geralt’s chest with his index finger between every word. “I knew it, I fucking knew you wouldn’t keep your promise! I should have just kept my eyes closed!”

“Don’t say that.” The Witcher said. “You…”

“You wouldn’t be here now if you did,” was unheard. But Jaskier understood anyway.

“At least I wouldn’t have to witness such a–  such a betrayal!”

Instead of saying something, Geralt looked at Yennefer, she gave him a knowing look in return -which Jaskier didn’t miss, of course-

“Wait a minute, you’re hiding something!”

“Yeah, his desire for killing you so you would finally stop nagging like a bitch,” Yennefer sighed tiredly, clearly feeling a bit annoyed by Jaskier’s antics.

“I’m not hiding something,” he lied.

He was definitely hiding something, but Jaskier didn’t need to know that.

Not yet.

“I hate my life sometimes,” the bard kept complaining, crossing his arms and finally accepting that he wasn’t going to hear Geralt singing today: “Anyway, I’m not cooking today, you are on your own.”

“And how is that supposed to be a threat? Jask, no offence, but even Ciri cooks better than you. We nearly had food poisoning the last time you tried to cook.”

“I’m sorry. What do you mean by even?” came Ciri’s voice.

Well, fuck. He probably shouldn’t have said that.

“Hey, I’m gonna go take a walk, wanna come?” Jaskier asked Ciri before Geralt could answer Ciri’s question.

“He is trying to save my ass even when he is mad at me,” Geralt thought, looking at the bard with such a loving look, but then the other man added:  “Betrayed people gotta stick together, you know,” and that loving look immediately turned into a “Disappointed But Not Surprised” look.

“Sure,” agreed Ciri, giving Geralt a meaningful look before she disappeared into the woods with Jaskier.

“Wow, you really have no idea how to talk a lady. Also, you better figure out how to complete that song before your bard gives you another tantrum and crush his lute over your head or something,” said Yennefer

“Helpful as always, Yen.”

He couldn’t deny that she was right, though.

***

After spending six more nights to complete his song, Geralt was finally ready to fulfill his promise finally.

It was certainly going to be a big surprise for Jaskier since Geralt had made it clear that he wouldn’t sing. And just three days ago, Jaskier had apologized to him.

“I’m sorry that I kinda overreacted before,” he had said. “Okay, not kinda. But I just… I’ve always wondered what your singing voice sounds like, so when you said you weren’t going to sing, I felt disappointed. Anyway, I wrote a new song, you wanna hear?”

So, yeah. He was gonna be so surprised.

And oh God, he had no idea how Jaskier could do it before so many people. “Having the voice of an angel probably helps,”  his mind suggested not-so-helpfully.

He had an audience of three people, three people that mean the world to him, and he was already stressed as hell. He would rather sing to an Ethereal instead.

The Witcher didn’t even know how to do this. How should he start? By saying “I’ve written a song for you,” or by singing out of the blue? Should he stand while singing? Or is it a better idea to just sit?

And for God’s sake, where should he put his damn hands?

Would it be weird if he just kept his hands at his sides? Would that make him look like a puppet in a box or something?

For a moment, he wished he knew how to play the lute. So he could just sit down and play it, not having to think about his hands. He should have let Jaskier teach him when he offered it months ago. Well, there was no point thinking about that now.

“Okay, Geralt, give yourself a minute. You can do this,” he assured himself and took a deep breath. “Just remember why you’re doing this, and just do whatever feels natural. Say something romantic before you start, maybe.”

When he took a look at Jaskier, who was sitting by the fire across from him with Ciri and talking to her excitedly about something, he knew that he shouldn’t be worried about any of these things. And he shouldn’t worry about forgetting the words, even though he felt like he would forget and make a fool of himself.

“Jaskier!” He called as Ciri stood up to go to Yennefer’s side. “Are you planning to shut your mouth at least for a couple of minutes anytime soon?”

“So much for making a romantic remark before you start singing. Well done Geralt, way to go,” a voice inside his head scolded him as Jaskier said something he failed to catch. It wasn’t his fault that it was what felt natural. Being romantic wasn’t his strong suit, but he was trying to improve.

“Okay, so. It won’t be the best song you’ve ever heard, but it’s the best I can do. If any of you laugh at me while I’m singing, I’ll kick your sorry asses.”

“Wait, wha–”

He took a deep breath once again and started singing, keeping his eyes on Jaskier as he gaped with wide-open eyes.

“I had no choice but to hear you

You stated your case time and again

I thought about it

 You treat me like I’m a damn prince

I’m not used to liking that

You ask how my day was”

He heard Ciri letting out a little chuckle at the “damn prince,” part, and he gave her a warning look before turning his gaze on Jaskier again, standing up.

There was no lie in it, Jaskier did treat him like he was a prince. He treated the Witcher like he wasn’t someone people were afraid of, but someone good and royal. Someone who deserved to be respected. Someone who deserved all the compliments in the whole world, not ugly slurs.

Someone who deserved to be loved.

 “You’ve already won me over in spite of me

And don’t be alarmed if I fall head over feet

Don’t be surprised if I love you for all that you are

I couldn’t help it

It’s all your fault,” he sang, pointing at the bard while singing “it’s all your fault.”

 Geralt nodded at him like saying “yes, I mean you, you silly bard,” when Jaskier briefly looked around as if he wasn’t sure Geralt was singing to him.

Of course, he meant him.

Because it sure was his fault.

It was Jaskier’s fault that his smile was more bright and dazzling than the afternoon sun, warming Geralt inside every time.

It was his fault that he had the biggest heart of gold Geralt had ever encountered, filled with so much love.

His fault that he had a voice that would make angels weep with jealousy. His fault that he was just so… Jaskier.

“Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole

You’re so much braver than I gave you credit for

That’s not lip service”

He found his hands moving naturally against his will as he sang. Guess he was worried for nothing.

“You’ve already won me over in spite of me

And don’t be alarmed if I fall head over feet

Don’t be surprised if I love you for all that you are

I couldn’t help it

It’s all your fault”

 He sang the chorus once again, walking towards the man who he was able to render speechless for once, for a good reason hopefully this time. Speechless, and surprised as hell.

When he was finally in front of Jaskier, he reached his hands out tentatively towards him, hoping that the bard would just take the hint and hold them. Sadly, he didn’t. So Geralt just bent over and grabbed his hands, pulling him up from the log he was sitting on. Then, with a barely audible sigh, he closed his eyes, not sure if he could sing that part while looking at Jaskier.

He kept singing after swallowing thickly to find his voice again, not letting go of the bard’s dainty hands:

“You are the bearer of unconditional things

You held your breath and the door for me

Thanks for your patience

 You’re the best friend that I’ve ever had

Let’s be boyfriends

What are we waiting for?

What took me so long?”

 “Did he just ask him to be his boyfriend?” Geralt heard Ciri gasp quietly.

“Fucking finally,“ he was sure that Yennefer was rolling his eyes right now, “they were already acting like boyfriends anyway. Well, or more like an old married couple.”

Wait, were they?

Deep down, he knew that Jaskier had feelings for him, too. But still, he couldn’t help but think “What if I’m wrong?”

What if he was opening his heart only to get it broken?

No, no way.

He was being ridiculous.

Jaskier loved him, too. There was no way that would happen.

He knew that he did. Maybe Geralt was just too stubborn to see it at first, maybe it got him decades to accept that someone could truly love him, yeah, but he finally did accept it.

They loved each other.

And it was only Geralt’s fault that he kept pushing Jaskier away from himself for so long.

It was only when he finally was succeeded, he regretted it.

He regretted it deeply.

He was aware of everything after having to spend half of the year Jaskierless - yes, it was a real word to him, more real than any word, even, it meant “suffering” “pain” and “sadness” in his dictionary - he was aware of his love for him.

If anything, it was Jaskier who should have been afraid.

Afraid of getting hurt by him again, afraid of being vulnerable again.

Because he had already laid his heart bare to the Witcher before, yet Geralt had broken his heart so badly.

But Jaskier had given him another chance anyway, and Geralt had promised himself to do his best not to make him regret it.

The white-haired man had said goodbye to The Old Geralt right when he got that chance.

“Goodbye,” he had told him, “no longer hiding behind excuses, no longer always avoiding to express yourself. Maybe it will be difficult to say goodbye to you, I know. And you will appear again in front of people I don’t know, as it should be, but I have to say goodbye to you. ‘Cause if I go on like this, I will only cause harm to my loved ones, thinking that I am protecting them.”

Perhaps it seemed like there was no radical change at all since one couldn’t suddenly say goodbye to the person he had been for years. Old habits die hard, after all.

But changing was the important thing, no matter how slow.

Back in the day, Geralt would pretend he didn’t care or like it whenever Jaskier composed a new song. But the new Geralt would make little comments on his songs instead of acting like he wasn’t even listening.

And even just saying “That’s a nice song,” or “I don’t hate it,” with the tiniest smile was enough to make Jaskier happy. It was enough to make him realize that things weren’t the same anymore.

The new Geralt showed it when he was concerned for the bard, and he paid attention to Jaskier’s feelings, to his warnings, to him.

He tried his best to make it up for his every mistake.

He tried his best to be the friend Jaskier deserved since the very beginning.

It wasn’t just a one-sided deal, though. Because Jaskier had his own regrets as well, and he knew that neither he nor Geralt was flawless.

There were moments Geralt would get mad about something that had happened; moments that required him to be alone for a while.

While old Jaskier would try to lighten the mood with jokes and would force him to say something, new Jaskier wouldn’t do that.

He would just say: “I’m here if you wanna talk,” and when Geralt was back, he would do his best to make him feel better. He would get him in the bath if Geralt wanted him to, washing him with such care. Then he would make him a nice cup of tea before insisting that he needed to take a nap.

Not once would he open his mouth to say anything about whatever had upset Geralt unless the white-haired man said something about it first.

One of these days, Geralt had asked the bard while he was washing the Witcher silently: “Do you remember when I said that I needed no one..?”

With that question, the gentle hands that massaging his scalp had come to a halt.

“You know what they say,” Jaskier had replied bitterly, the tone of hurt in his voice making Geralt ache “one has to forget first to remember.”

“I was wrong,” Geralt had admitted with a mumble after a moment of heavy silence, turning to his right a bit and reaching over to hug the bard’s legs. “I was so wrong.”

“I need you,” he had thought, his hair dampening the other man’s trousers, “I need you in my life, Jaskier. I can’t say it out loud, but please hear my silent words. Find them in my actions, find them in my touch.”

As if reading his mind, Jaskier had moved one hand to Geralt’s bare shoulder and caressed the skin there gently and slowly before saying: “You have me, Geralt. And I’ll be in your life as long as you want me to be. As long as you act like it.”

Things had changed again after that. In a good way.

They had become more touchy with each other. Jaskier was already a touchy person, but Geralt couldn’t say the same for himself.

Normally.

After their little conversation, Geralt was feeling more comfortable with showing his affection with little things, like ruffling Jaskier’s silky hair when he would pout, annoyed at Geralt for something. Or when he would do something impressive.

Little things like calling him “little hummingbird”  instead of just “bard” because Jaskier reminded him of one.

Just like a hummingbird, he was unique and beautiful in every aspect, and it was hard to catch up with him since he was constantly in motion. Also, he usually talked non-stop and when he would stop singing or talking, he would start humming this time. And eh, let’s not forget about his colourful outfits that suited him so well.

So, Geralt called him “hummingbird”, and he could swear that Jaskier’s eyes shined with happiness whenever he called him that.

Maybe he could finally call him “my little hummingbird” pretty soon.

“I’ve never felt this healthy before

I’ve never wanted something rational

I am aware now

I am aware now

 You’ve already won me over in spite of me

And don’t be alarmed if I fall head over feet

Don’t be surprised if I love you for all that you are

I couldn’t help it

It’s all your fault”

 And he was done.

Yet, even after he finished singing, he couldn’t bring himself to open his eyes.

When Jaskier pulled his hands away, he felt his heart clench in his chest. He cursed himself in his head, feeling too anxious to even breathe. Did he fuck everything up? Just like that? Did he just misread everything like a goddamn fool?

What was gonna-

Before he could ask himself any further questions, he felt a feather-light touch on his cheeks.

He opened his eyes only to find Jaskier’s stunning blue eyes shining with tears, looking at him like Geralt had just caught the moon for him.  

Geralt waited for him to say something.

Anything.

“Was my singing so terrible it made you cry?” He asked when Jaskier said nothing in a full minute. The bard’s face was so close to his that he could count the drops that were nestled on his long eyelashes.

The white-haired man wiped his tears away with his thumb gently as he leaned in to press their foreheads together. “Or you didn’t like the song? I believe it was much better than The Fishmonger’s Daughter.”

He knew that Jaskier would say something if he made a comment on one of his songs. This was a trick he had learned a long time ago.

“Excuse me,” here it came, “but The Fishmonger’s Daughter is a great song.”

“No, it isn’t. You just sing ‘ba ba,’ and ‘ta-da-da’ for half of the song. Even four years old can do that.”

“And people love it. They love to sing along and it’s catchy, also it has a story in it like every one of my songs,” Jaskier claimed with a weak voice and swallowed as Geralt ran his fingertips lightly along the side of his neck. He sounded like he could break at any moment as he whispered after wrapping one hand around the Witcher’s waist: “Now will you just shut me up with a kiss or should I just keep–”

And who was he to deny Jaskier of something he wanted as well..?

So Geralt shut him up with pressing his lips against his soft lips, kissing him gently but passionately. At first, Jaskier just held him close instead of kissing him back, but then his eyes closed and he returned his kiss with equal fervour.

He could hear the distant cheering of Ciri and Yennefer as they kissed for God knows how long. It was strange how a couple of minutes had felt endless, but also too short at the same time.

“Hey,” Jaskier swallowed again when Geralt pulled back a little and broke the kiss so they could take a breath, “I’ve never heard this song before. Where did you…”

“Because it was written for you, you silly, beautiful dandelion,” answered the Witcher. “By me.”

A beat.

And with that, a loud sob broke free from Jaskier’s throat, tears falling freely over his beautiful face as the sound of footsteps going off into the distance was heard.

“I’m so afraid that this is all happening in my head,” he whispered, burying his head on Geralt’s shoulder, his frame shaking slightly. “I’m fucking terrified that this is nothing but a vivid dream. I’ve waited for so long, Geralt. Countless times I’ve dreamed about hearing you say that you wanted me, too. Not just as a friend, but more. And now, I–” Jaskier took a shaky breath, “Could we just…”

Geralt hugged him, rubbing small soothing circles on his back, not needing Jaskier to complete his sentence.

He knew what he meant anyway.

Because Jaskier wasn’t the only one who felt like this.

There were nights Geralt would still wake up in cold sweat, finding it hard to believe that Jaskier was in the same room with him for real.

More often than not, the bard wouldn’t realize that Geralt had woken up since he was a heavy sleeper who wouldn’t notice if an earthquake happened. So, the white-haired man would just watch him sleep until he could convince himself that he was real.

An impulse to brush his fingers through Jaskier’s silky hair would come up every time without any exceptions.

Sometimes he would almost reach out to him, but then he would instantly retrieve his hand, afraid of waking him up even though he knew that he probably wouldn’t.

But sometimes, he couldn’t resist that impulse and would brush his fingers through Jaskier’s hair oh so carefully. And then stroke against the softness of his cheek before pulling the thick comforter over him, smiling because: “this is real.”

In that rare moments when Jaskier would wake up to see Geralt awake, trying to calm himself, he would ask him what was wrong. And the look Geralt would give him would always be enough for him to understand that what his nightmares were about.

The bard would pull him into his arms then, singing softly, lovingly in his ear.

“Can you just…”

Geralt would start after Jaskier would stop singing eventually, but he could never finish his question.

He could never ask: “Can you just keep holding me for a little while longer?”

But he didn’t need to.

“Sure,” Jaskier would keep holding him as Geralt would close his eyes, listening to the relaxing heartbeats of the bard.

“I’m here, you adorable, big snowman,” he would whisper afterwards. “I’m here.”

So, no.

Geralt definitely didn’t need him to complete his sentence.

“Yeah,” he nodded, pulling him even closer to himself, not even able to tolerate being two-inch apart from him, “we can stay like this, Jaskier.”

“Don’t let go,” Jaskier begged after a while, “Please, don’t let go.”

Just like he did when his screams would break the silence of the night sometimes, alarming all of the Witcher’s senses with concern.

Just like when Geralt would hold him loosely to calm him down, telling him to just follow his breathing and to breathe with him, nice and slow as he would take Jaskier’s hand and place it on his own broad chest.

“Never.” He assured him sweetly, breathing in Jaskier’s heavenly scent and placing a little kiss on his shoulder “Never again, my little hummingbird.”

Seriously…

What took him so long..?

[rigginsstreet]

gladys/alice + 53

53. Take off your shirt. (apologies in advance to any hal fans reading this lmfao i feel like i did him kinda dirty my bad. but hal haters are not allowed to clown on this post. also this did not turn out sexy just sad lmfao sorry)

read on ao3

She knew tonight would be a shit show. Didn’t matter that she had spent two weeks saving up money to actually buy a respectable enough outfit for dinner with the Coopers when she could have just stolen one. Because she wanted to fit in. Wanted them to like her. Didn’t want to feel like even more of an outcast in clothes she swiped from the local department store. 

Turns out, you can take the girl out of the South Side, but you can’t take the South Side out of the girl. Not according to Prudence Cooper and the giant stick he has lodged up her ass, anyway. 

Alice had been on her best behavior from the second she stepped foot on Elm Street. Had smiled and said all the right things. Had gone so far as to make Hal teach her proper dinner etiquette because she wanted to get everything perfectly right. And none of it mattered. Because all Prudence Cooper had done the whole night was look down her nose at her. Did that shit that all those bored, stuffy, suburban housewives do where they make these cryptic little jabs at you with a smile on their face so you have to think twice about if you’ve just been insulted. Because God forbid they say what they really feel. That’s too tacky, apparently. But playing mind games with a teenager is acceptable. 

By the time dinner was over Alice’s palms were bleeding from her nails digging into them so hard. Because, for as much as she wanted to jump over the table and deck Prudence Cooper in her little Puritan face, she knew better. Because, in spite of his nutjob mother, Alice still loved Hal. Even though she was questioning that allegiance now. 

Not once during that dinner from hell did he pipe his big mouth up to say anything in her defense. He’s her boyfriend. That’s supposed to mean something. All the shit she gets from everyone for dating a North Sider, a Cooper, no less, and she always defends him. And he can’t say one thing to his mother.

So now here she was, at some house party drowning her sorrows, her anger. She’d come here with Hal, she remembers that much. But the minute she stepped inside she made it her mission to stay away from him the rest of the night. She wanted to wipe all memory of Hal and the Coopers from her mind, and she was doing a pretty damn good job of it, if she said so herself. 

There was some blue concoction in a giant bowl in the kitchen that kind of tasted like ass, if she was honest. But, fortunately, it had lost all flavor by her third cup, so she kept going back for more.

She’s lost count by now of how many times she’s sent some freshman to fetch her a refill while she hides out in any other corner of the house that isn’t the kitchen because Hal gave up trying to chase her only for her to dodge him. Thought he was being smart parking it in the kitchen to wait for her to come back for another drink. Like she wouldn’t figure out a way around that one.

But apparently Hal’s wizened up to that plan, too. She can see him moving through the crowd of partygoers, obviously looking for her. She’s got the advantage, though, crouched down on the floor out of view. Time to move, though. Can’t risk Hal finding her and turning this night into an even worse fiasco.

Getting up proves to be a little more difficult than anticipated. The room immediately starts spinning, and she has to reach her hand out to the nearest wall to steady herself. Stands still, takes a couple of deep breaths, then she’s good to go. 

Except she’s not. Barely a step forward and she’s falling sideways into the wall. 

“Fuck,” she says on impact before falling into a fit of giggles. The wall suddenly feels like exactly where she needs to be. It’s nice. Soft. Safe...

“Jesus, Al, how much have you had tonight?”

There’s arms around her suddenly. Strong, but skinny. Not Hal’s. And that voice... definitely not Hal’s. Too feminine, even with the grit it possesses. Something oddly familiar she can’t quite place.

“‘m fine,” she says, trying to push out of whoever’s hold she’s in. The room’s so dark around her. Can’t see shit in front her, but that doesn’t matter. She’s just gotta move forward.

“Like hell you are. C’mon, where’s that boytoy of yours?”

Alice’s eyes flutter open at that. Suddenly the room’s not so dark anymore. Gladys Cohen is the one holding her up, she sees now. Because this night just had to get worse for her.

“Don’t wanna see him.” The words slur coming out of her mouth. 

Gladys huffs beside her. “Fine. Whatever. But I’m cutting you off.”

She reaches for the cup just as Alice is bringing it to her lips. The reaction is slow, but once Alice is keyed in to what Gladys is doing, she jerks her hand away out of reach. “Fuck off.”

“Don’t be a brat.” 

Gladys reaches over again for the cup, this time successfully getting ahold of it. Only serves to make Alice pull back, an anger flaring up inside her. 

“Get off me!”

“I’m not letting you get alcohol poisoning over a fight with your boyfriend, that’s so fucking cliche, Al!”

“It’s none of your business!”

Alice swings her arm back towards her in full force, and she feels it instantly. The warm liquid spilling down her shirt, pressing it to her skin. She looks down and sees nothing but a big purple splotch, the blue drink mixing in with the soft pink of her satin blouse. 

The blouse she spent weeks saving for. The blouse that was supposed to solve all her problems. The blouse that couldn’t save her from making a bad impression on Hal’s mother. 

A dam breaks. Tears free flow down her face and there’s a whine coming from the back of her throat, high and shrill and she doesn’t even care.

“Aw, shit. Al-”

“Everything’s ruined!” She yells with everything she has in her. Pounds both her fists into Gladys’ chest, hard enough that she stumbles back a step, before running off to the nearest bathroom.

She slams the door shut as soon as she gets inside. Grabs the nearest hand towel and places under the water and furiously starts scrubbing away at the stain. Some color rubs off onto the towel but it’s doing nothing to remove it from her shirt. 

Vision blurry with tears, Alice gives up, throwing the towel down with a growl before gripping the countertop in front of her. She squeezes her eyes shut, trying to stop the tears, but it does nothing. She should’ve known better. Playing dress-up for one night doesn’t change anything. She’ll always be South Side trash, and the universe won’t let her forget it. 

There’s a soft tapping at the door. Alice rubs her sleeve under nose before answering. “Go away.” But it’s half-hearted.

The door slowly opens. Gladys peaks her head through, like she’s making sure it won’t get bitten off. When she deems it safe enough she lets herself fully in, closing the door behind her. “You okay?”

Alice sniffles. “Do I look okay?”

“Maybe not your finest hour, but I’ve got no complaints.”

Alice rolls her eyes.

“Take off your shirt,” Gladys commands, jutting her chin out at her.

“I’m not in the mood, G-”

Gladys laughs. “And I’m not trying to fuck the drunk girl. Take off your shirt.” She sets a jug of detergent she must’ve gotten from the laundry room down onto the counter before sliding her jacket off. 

Alice gets the hint, then, and starts unbuttoning her blouse. Gladys is removing her own shirt - some old and hand-me-down Runaways tee - and handing it over. Stands there in nothing but her bra and ripped jeans.

With a tentative hand, Alice takes it, tries her best to avoid looking. Their fingers brushing for the briefest second before Gladys is reaching for the stained blouse. Gets to work on making it look new again.

Alice slips the old shirt on. Can smell the brand of cigarettes Gladys smokes on it. The ones they used to share under the bleachers between periods and behind the Wyrm before Alice decided to quite. There’s an undercurrent of something pleasant there, too. Cinnamon and cloves. A mix that is so distantly Gladys. It makes her head spin, but she’ll blame that on her drunken state.

It makes the tears start falling again.

“Woah, hey.” Gladys abandons the shirt in the sink and turns to pull Alice into her arms. “What’s got you all worked up, blondie?”

Sometimes Alice feels like she made a mistake. That she chose wrong. And she hates to admit because, because she loves Hal. But. She misses her old life, too. And right now... everything feels too familiar. In Gladys’ shirt, in Gladys’ arms. The way Gladys is petting her hair and making her feel okay when everything’s not okay. 

She pulls back enough to look Gladys in the eyes. Gladys traces a fingertip softly at her temple, pushing a lock of hair behind her ear and in that split second Alice makes the decision to lean forward, press their lips together.

It’s wrong. She knows. Hal’s outside looking for her, worried about her. And here she is hiding away, kissing her ex girlfriend. 

Gladys’ mouth opens in a gasp, and Alice takes it as an invitation. Except. 

Gladys presses the palm of her hand to Alice’s chest, pushing her back gently. “I’m not doing this, Al,” she says. There’s no anger in her voice. No hostility, surprisingly. Just... a rational calm that Alice feels so far away from.

“Why not?” Alice pouts.

Gladys smiles, but it seems sad. “Because your boyfriend’s outside.”

“You don’t even like Hal.” She goes in for another kiss, but is stopped short with Gladys’ hand to her chest again.

“But you do. You’re drunk, and upset, and I’m not interested in taking advantage.”

“Gladys-”

Gladys slips her leather back on. Zips it up to just her navel before turning to open the door. She pauses, turns to nod at the shirt in the sink. “Be gentle with that but keep scrubbing. Should come out just fine. Then go make up with your boyfriend.”

She turns to leave for good this time, but the moment doesn’t feel finished. Things never really feel finished when it comes to them.

“Gladys?”

She’s chewing on her bottom lip when she turns to face Alice again. Eyebrows raised in expectancy. 

But there’s no words coming to Alice. Nothing feels significant enough to encapsulate the moment, everything she’s feeling. Hell if she even knows what she’s feeling. Longing? Regret? Apologetic? All of it all at once.

The silence hangs heavy between them, but Gladys must feel it, too. She gives Alice a final nod before leaving, shutting the door behind her. And Alice is left alone, wiping a tear from her eye.

[wikiangela-fanfics]

“No, and that’s final”

Another fic from Fictober 2019, again Destiel

I will post some new stuff soon, but currently I’m swamped with homework assignmets, so here’s another old fic

(I think I’ve made a post about it before, but it was just a link to Ao3, I guess)

I don’t even know what it was supposed to be, but it turned out like this, so here we go

Summary:  When Dean is jealous and starts a fight with his boyfriend, Cas.

Words: 2197

Ao3

***

"What did you just say?" Dean asked his boyfriend, getting just a little bit mad, with his fork midway between his mouth and his plate.

"That I ran into Michael and-" Cas started to say calmly, eating his dinner.

"Yeah, I heard that." Dean answered, angrily stabbing the food with his fork.

"Then why do you ask?" Cas was really confused. Sometimes he was so oblivious to rhetorical questions, as well as to sarcasm, actually. It was really adorable and Dean would probably smile with a smile reserved only for Castiel, but he was too mad now.

"I would love it if you waited until after dinner to ruin my mood." Dean grumbled, then chewing his food.

"What do you mean? It's not like anything happened. We're friends and-"

"Oh, really?" Dean scoffed. "Friends? You and that asshole?"

"First of all, it would be nice if you stopped interrupting me all the time." Cas was still calm, but Dean could see that there's a fight coming. He hated this. "And second of all, yes, we didn't end on good terms, but we ran into each other a couple of times and-"

"Excuse me?" Dean dropped his fork to the plate, which caused quite a loud sound. Cas shoot him an annoyed glare. Dean interrupting him while he was talking was infuriating sometimes. Or all the time. "Couple times? Why don't I know anything about it?"

"Because I knew how you'd react." Cas' tone changed. He sounded like he was getting angry too. "Which is, like you're acting right now."

"We're together, Cas. We should tell each other stuff." Dean said, still trying to eat. He was mad, but also hungry.

"Like you told me about how you ran into Lisa and went for coffee with her? I found out about that from Sam." Cas pointed out.

"That was different." Dean got defensive. They just happened to run into each other in a cafe. So of course they talked and tried to catch up, after not seeing each other for a few years. And of course he would tell Cas if friggin' Sam didn't beat him to it.

"How was it different? I just bumped into Michael a couple of times and we got to talking and we're cool now." Cas still tried to be calm.

"Then why did you even tell me at all?" Dean raised his voice a little, unconsciously. "It's not like you cheated, right? So no reason to tell me anything! Not like we're in a serious, mature relationship." suddenly he lost his appetite, so he just stood up and took the plate with his half eaten dinner and put it by the sink. Maybe he would microwave it later. Or not. Either way, he was done with eating for now.

"I'm telling you, because he invited me-"

"Hell no."

"You don't even-"

"I said no." Dean more growled than said.

"What do you mean 'no'? And would you stop cutting me off mid sentence?" Cas also raised his voice. He was getting sick of this. "You have absolutely no reason to act like that!"

"I have a reason!" now Dean almost yelled. "You went out with him for years!"

"Please, don't yell." Cas was still sitting at the table. "Just listen to me."

"Okay." Dean took a deep breath and stood by the kitchen counter. "I'm listening. What do you have to say?"

"I just wanted to say that, and let me finish please, he invited me, us, actually, to a small party, more like a gathering, really, he and his boyfriend are having this weekend. But we don't have to go, Dean." Cas stood up and took a few steps towards his boyfriend. "I just wish you would talk to me and listen to me, instead of getting angry."

"Sorry." Dean ran his hand through his hair. "I just don't want you meeting with your exes." he walked over to Cas and put his hands on Cas' waist, pulling him closer. "Really, I don't like to share you with anyone."

"But you don't have to be jealous. I love you."

"Love you too, Cas." Dean gave him a quick kiss on the lips. "Just don't meet with him anymore."

"I can't really control if I run into him." Cas chuckled. "It's a small town."

"So don't talk to him then."

"That would be rather rude, don't you think?" Cas said and Dean took a step back, getting annoyed again.

"Dammit, Cas, I just don't want you seeing him ever again."

"That can't really happen. And you can't forbid me to talk to anyone." Cas was outraged. Dean was his partner, and he loved him, but this was ridiculous. He didn't have a right to forbid Cas doing anything. "Maybe I will go to this party." he said not because he wanted to go, but out of spite. They both weren't the easiest people, so when they fought, it could be for days.

"Like hell you will." Dean walked over to the fridge and took a beer.

"You can't tell me what to do."

"I said no. And that's final." Dean said quieter, but still angry, basically pointing the bottle at Cas. And he knew those words were a mistake as soon as they got out of his mouth.

"That's not up to discussion. I'm going. You're welcome to join me." with that, Cas stormed out of the room.

Dean sighed. He was too stubborn, he knew that. But he couldn't help it. He didn't want to sound like he did, but he was the way he was. He wanted to change a little, be easier to live with, but it was harder than he thought. And Cas knew him for years now, they moved in together almost three years ago. Cas knew him better than anyone. He knew what to expect. Still, Dean was mad at himself for everything he said.

He left the kitchen too, leaving the plates with unfinished dinner like they were. Then he left the house, taking only his car keys. When he was like this, he had to go for a ride and try to calm himself down. And his car was always able to help with that.

***

When he got back home, around an hour and a half later, it was dark outside. He saw a light in the bedroom window, so he knew where to find Cas.

He parked his car in the garage and went upstairs. Like he expected, Cas was on the bed, reading a book. They had different ways of dealing with stuff. Cas' was to just forget about everything for a moment, usually by reading. Of course, if he wasn't so mad that he couldn't even read. After their fight, he had to just sit there for a good half an hour and calm down before he could open a book.

The door was open. Cas was half lying on the bed, with his head on the headrest and book in his hands. He was wearing his glasses and his favourite t-shirt that originally belonged to Dean, but for years now was Cas'. Dean smiled, seeing him. He loved him so much, he wasn't sure that's even possible. And he had to try not to fuck it up, which wasn't always easy for him.

Cas didn't notice him, he was too into his book. So Dean knocked on the door frame quietly and Cas' gaze fell on him. He almost smiled but then he remembered that he's mad at Dean, so he kept his expression emotionless. As much as he could. It was hard not to smile, seeing this beautiful human he loved with all his heart.

"Hi." Winchester said, leaning on the door frame. "Can I come in?"

"It's your bedroom too." Cas said, sitting up properly, putting the book on the bedside table and taking his glasses off. Dean walked in and sat down next to Cas, with his feet still on the floor.

"Look, I'm really sorry." he started, taking Castiel's hand in his. "I didn't mean that. I'm just a jealous asshole."

"Agreed." Cas muttered as the corner of his mouth went up. Dean chuckled.

"Yeah. I'm just… I don't wanna lose you, Cas. I realise that you're way too good for me and you can't blame me for being a little paranoid because of that."

"Dean" Cas took Dean's face into his hands. "If anything, you are too good for me . And I'm not mad because you were jealous. I get that. I get jealous of you all the time."

"Really?" Dean was a little bit surprised. "You never say anything."

"Because I trust you and I know I have no reason to start a fight over my stupid jealousy." he gave Dean a look. That's what he's been doing and it was stupid, Dean knew that. He couldn't help it.

"I trust you too." he took Castiel's hands from his face and took them into his hands. "It's just, I don't know." he sighed. "You know that I can't really cope with my feelings."

"Oh, I know." Cas rolled his eyes. When they met, Dean was the biggest asshole to him, because he was into him. That was just ridiculous. But Cas fell in love with him anyway. "That's okay, I know you and I get it. But what pissed me off today was mostly the fact that you think-"

"I know." Dean interrupted him.

"That too." Cas muttered.

"Sorry, didn't mean to- fuck. I gotta stop doing this." Dean ran his hand over his face. "I know I shouldn't tell you who you can talk to or anything. It's not my place and it's not cool and I'm sorry. I can't do that. And if you wanna talk to all your exes, I can't and shouldn't stop you. I mostly got mad because you two have tons of history, you've known him since forever and it just made me feel... insecure."

"Why?" Cas was tilting his head in that adorable way.

"Because I'll never get to be what he was to you." Dean whispered, not really wanting to admit it even to himself. Michael was Castiel's childhood friend, than his on-and-off boyfriend, he was a bunch of Cas' firsts… and Dean was just another boyfriend. That was something he didn't realize he felt until he thought about it this whole time in the car.

"That's not true, Dean." Cas changed his position so that now he was sitting on Dean's lap, with his legs on both sides of Dean. "You are so much more to me than anyone ever was or will be." he kissed Dean's lips for a second. "You're my one true love and that will never change. You're the most amazing person I've ever met. Stop looking so down at yourself, Dean. I love you and only you, despite how hard it is sometimes. I love you, okay?" while he was talking he was looking into Dean's eyes.

"Will you marry me?" it slipped out of Dean's mouth. They never really talked about it, maybe sometimes they would mention it or joke about it, but they both didn't expect that to happen, at least not so soon, not in that moment. So they were both really surprised.

"Are you serious?" Cas wanted to make sure before he would say yes. Because of course he will. Despite how chaotic their relationship was, they made it work so far and they will for the rest of their lives.

"Yeah, I mean, I love you and I wanna spend the rest of my life loving you and making you happy." he gently stroked Cas' cheek. "If you can put up with all my bullshit." he added and Cas chuckled. "So, will you marry me?"

"Of course, Dean." he kissed him passionately, pushing his back onto the bed, so that now he was basically above Dean. He was so happy. "I can't believe this." he whispered against Dean's lips.

"Me neither." Dean admitted with a smile. And Cas sat up and looked down at Dean.

"You can't take that back now." he pointed his finger at Dean, who just laughed.

"I hope not." he grinned, pulling Cas to him again.

"We still need to talk, Dean." Cas said, not really wanting to, but, well, they needed to talk.

Dean kissed his jaw, but then Cas pulled away a little, cursing himself for it. Then Dean spoke: "We can go to the stupid party. I promise I'll behave. I'll try not to make a big deal out of stuff like that anymore and I promise not to interrupt you when you speak." he said quickly. "Now, if there's still something to talk about, it can wait. Now we gotta celebrate, fiancé. " he added, his hands sneaking under Castiel's t-shirt.

Cas smiled at that. They were engaged. Who cares if it happened because of a stupid irrelevant fight? He decided that all they needed to talk about, they can do later. They have the rest of their lives to talk and figure everything out. Right now, he was going to enjoy the moment. With his future husband.

[ill-go-with-that-then]

ERASERMIC AU WRITTEN FOR SPITE

So @ladycakepops told me I couldn’t make a cute AU where Aizawa worked in a factory and Mic was a dog-walker. I’m 99% motivated by spite always, so this is the result of that. I’ll leave it to you all to decide if it’s cute or not! :D

Aizawa never made it into the hero course. He graduated from General Studies without distinction, and tried for a few years to get an internship with a hero agency, ANY agency, but none would accept him. So, unmotivated and low on resources, he took the first job that became available, just to get his feet under him while he made a new plan

He lives in a shitty, one-room apartment in an awful neighborhood. He likes it though - he doesn’t care where he lives, and the neighbors are quiet. Until one day the old guy in the apartment next to his moves out, or dies. Aizawa doesn’t know and he suspects the guy stole his mail, so he doesn’t care, either. But he starts to care a lot when his new neighbor moves in. His new neighbor who loves music and apparently hasn’t realized that the walls here are thinner than paper thin. 

He tries to live with it. He knows what kind of people live in this neighborhood and he doesn’t want to start any trouble - he can’t afford to move right now. But he works second shift, four to midnight. So he really doesn’t appreciate it when the guy starts blasting his music at 6:00am, an hour after Aizawa finally falls asleep. The third time it happens, his rage propels him out the door of his apartment, down the hallway that’s probably never been cleaned, and to the guy’s door, where he bangs on it furiously. 

The music stops instantly. And a few moments later, the door opens to reveal probably the best-looking guy Aizawa has ever seen in real life. It suddenly occurs to him that he’s wearing ratty pajama pants, and only ratty pajama pants. His feet are bare. And his words are gone. “I… Uh…” is all he manages to say. 

But the guy’s face instantly crumples in apology. “Oh my god, did I wake you? I am so sorry. I have the music down low, can you still hear it?”

“I-“ Aizawa tries to collect himself. To rally. “Uh… the walls are… really thin?”

The guy closes his eyes. His face is pink, Aizawa figures he’s embarrassed. That’s fine, Aizawa is also mortified. “I’m so sorry. It will never happen again. I swear. Headphones only, from now on.”

“…Thanks,” Aizawa says, because he is amazing at socializing. A champion. Is it okay to ask someone for their number when you’ve just disturbed them at six in the morning? He doesn’t know, and he’s only running on a single hour of sleep, so he just stands there while his brain sluggishly tries to process what’s happening. It’s awkward. 

“Are you hungry? I’m making breakfast. It’s the least I can do since I woke you,” the guy offers. 

“Thank you. That sounds good,” Aizawa says, suddenly understanding how a drowning person must feel when they’re thrown a life preserver. The guy steps aside, and Aizawa follows him into the apartment. It doesn’t look much like his own, but after a quick look around, Aizawa realizes that the differences are only superficial. Where he has his sleeping bag, a phone charger, and a single box of possessions, this guy has actual furniture. It’s cheap, old and scuffed, but it’s homey. There’s a colorful blanket draped over the worn couch, and an attempt at curtains in front of the single window. There’s even a plant on the windowsill. Aizawa knows he’s well out of his depth. 

“I’m Hizashi Yamada, by the way,” the guy - Hizashi - says as he walks over to the corner of the room that’s as close to a kitchen as this place gets. “And I hope you like eggs.”

“I like anything,” Aizawa says truthfully. His favorite food is free. “And I’m Shouta Aizawa.” 

“Welcome, Aizawa!” Yamada waves an arm towards the couch. “Make yourself comfortable!” 

For lack of anything better to do, Aizawa does as he’s bid, dropping onto the couch and looking around the room uncomfortably, trying to avoid staring at Yamada, who’s whistling as he sets a pan on a hot-plate. He wracks his brain for something to say, but Yamada beats him to the punch. “So, what do you do, Aizawa? Are you some kind of personal trainer or something?”

“No,” Aizawa says, slowly. “I work at the crab-processing plant down the street.”

“Ah.” Yamada glances at him. “Sorry, I just assumed.” 

“What do you do?” Aizawa asks, because he’s curious but also because if he has to sit there in silence while his hot neighbor makes him breakfast he might actually perish. 

Yamada throws him a grin over his shoulder. It’s pretty. Aizawa would give a lot to be wearing a shirt right now. “I’m a musician! Well, by night, anyway. By day I’m your trusty neighborhood dog walker!” 

“This neighborhood has a dog walker?” Aizawa asks, skeptical. This building doesn’t allow pets, and he’s pretty sure no one who lives on the entire block could afford the fees for them, let alone pay for that kind of service. But Yamada just laughs. 

“No, the ritzy neighborhood five subway stops away has a dog-walker. This neighborhood has an asshole who plays his music too early in the morning.” 

Aizawa snorts. “Pretty sure anyone who invites their rude neighbor over for breakfast loses the right to call themselves an asshole.” 

“Hmm, would you accept dick then?” Yamada asks so innocently. It’s not his fault Aizawa’s filthy, tired brain has taken his harmless question and skidded completely off the rails. 

“I’d have to get to know you before I decide,” he says, automatically. He doesn’t slap his hand over his mouth afterwards, but it’s a close thing. 

Thankfully, Yamada takes his statement at face value, “Hey, great idea! I don’t know many people around here yet. Wanna come over and watch a movie later?”

“My shift is from four to twelve,” Aizawa says, regretfully. 

“Too bad!” Yamada says, looking more put-out than Aizawa would have expected, all things considered. “Maybe on your next day off.” 

“Yeah, maybe,” Aizawa mutters, already planning how to tell his boss he’s swapping to third shift. But Yamada seems to mistake his hesitance for reluctance. 

“No pressure!” He says brightly, as he flips eggs out the pan onto a couple of plates. “You want ketchup on these?” He grins at Aizawa’s nod, finishing the plates and crossing the room to hand one to Aizawa. “Sorry there’s no rice. If I knew I’d be having company-”

“It’s fine,” Aizawa interrupts, staring at the eggs. The ketchup on top is shaped like a smiley face. He’s never thought of himself as the marrying kind before, but he’s reevaluating his five-year plan anyway. Things change. “And I’d like to hang out. Soon.”

Yamada’s grin softens into something quieter, more vulnerable. “Great, that’s great! Anytime!” 

Mercifully, the food diverts their attention from the conversation for a few minutes. Until eventually Yamada says, “In the interest of full disclosure, you should know that I practice my guitar kinda often.” 

“That’s fine,” Aizawa says. He’s feeling a lot more charitable towards music at the moment. “It won’t bother me.”

“I’ll keep it to reasonable hours, I swear!” Yamada goes on, like he might still need convincing. 

Hoping to distract him from the memory of their less then pleasant introduction, Aizawa asks, “What kind of music do you play?” It was a good question. Yamada brightens immediately, and starts talking rapidly, and with a lot of musical terms Aizawa is unfamiliar with. But he nods along, trying to figure out how to keep the happy look on Yamada’s face. As the words wind down, Aizawa goes for his finishing move: “I’ll have to hear you play sometime.” 

It’s a win. Yamada looks delighted. “Yes! Absolutely! I mean, you’ll probably hear me a lot if the walls are as thin as you say, but I’d be glad to play something for you! Or you could come to one of my shows!”

“Sure,” Aizawa shrugs. He’s never been to a music performance in his life, but he finds he’s suddenly willing to do a lot of things for someone who makes a breakfast as good as this. “Sounds fun!” 

Yamada opens his mouth to say something, but gets distracted by the clock on a side table. “Oh shit! I gotta roll or I’ll be late for work. Hey, it was great meeting you, Aizawa.”

Aizawa brings a hand up to rub at the back of his neck. “It was… nice meeting you, too. I know it wasn’t the best first impression…”

“Oh, I don’t know about that,” Yamada says, off-hand, and Aizawa would swear he saw the man’s eyes flick down to his chest. “I think we’re going to be great friends. It’s fate!”

“Yeah,” nods Aizawa, who doesn’t believe in fate at all. “Must be.”

[orderuponthe99prettygrimmdiaries]

So close, yet still so far.

Well, I did say it in my last post, right? Be a man. Stop calling. But ooof, gotta say, it hurts bad. But maybe a little less than the uncertainty. 

I kinda pride myself on the relationships I have with people. I feel good when people trust me enough to confide in me, to tell me stuff they don’t usually tell others... 

I also hate losing relationships or seeing friendships fade away. And I know, that’s dumb and something I gotta learn to deal with. And I thought I was okay with that, I thought I already learnt this lesson. People come and go, nothing really lasts forever. It’s just part of life. 

Ugh, so why does it hurt so damn bad? I think really now, it’s becoming more set in stone that neither of us are going to do anything about it. I know I won’t, not anytime soon at least. I gotta put me first. At least I’m not feeling any sort of guilt now since he was the one who left me on read. Granted, it was kinda drifting off, but well... Y’know, I realised maybe my honesty the other day really was just the dealbreaker. Maybe there were a lot of dealbreakers already but I was still trying and he was being a little too courteous. 

But we have a saying in mandarin “勉强没有幸福” - which basically means if you try and force something too hard, you wouldn’t be happy. 

There’s so much I wish I could have done differently. But sometimes, anxiety gets in the way, depression gets in the way. We met at a bad timing, maybe if it weren’t for COVID, things could have gone differently. Then work stress also piled up, all the change in personnel and then workload and being burned out. No proper rests with the schedule, even if so, you might still end up working on your day off. And when you’re back in office, it’s just store work basically all day till even past 6pm and then you stay back to finish your other work. 

I’m really trying to be thankful that I still have a job in spite of the pandemic, but ooof, the exhaustion these days is also... My mental health had taken a toll, and I didn’t even realise till too late. I was always crying, overwhelmed. Couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t even breathe. It sucks when you can’t even do the most basic of things. I’ve started relying on focusing my smell on things - mints, essential oils... I try not to complain and rant too much about everything, but I guess it got bottled up, all the way up to the brink. 

I started overthinking, dwelling, worrying about everything, the little things. That one time I wanted to treat everybody for lunch and drinks, the other time I brought cookies, and I couldn’t mouth the words to tell them. The insecurities, the fear. The What Ifs. 

But, there were also good days. Days where I’m just like, okay, suck it in. You got this. You can just brave on your mask and then be all positive and sunshine, spread that love and positivity and kindness. It works sometimes, but I don’t think it lasts very long either. That’s also another thing... Sometimes I do admire people who can put on a brave front despite everything, and I think I’m that person sometimes, but other days, I’m just falling apart and I can feel my vibes affecting people around me. I absolutely hate that. But if I don’t allow myself to show how I truly feel, aren’t I just wearing a mask all the time? 

Sometimes I just wish I could re-meet him. Just start over. I think I was so afraid to fall for him that I didn’t allow myself to feel. And maybe it led me to suppress that once I allowed them in, it just overwhelmed me. I was so afraid to show him my darker sides, I was afraid to speak up. Maybe he would have been supportive and understanding... But also, it’s a little tough sometimes to open your heart like that, especially with someone you’re interested in. Which actually, maybe, all the more I should have, if I wanted to share my life with him. 

There were times it was easy to flirt with him, to make a move and even ask him out. I mean, considering it was me who asked him for our date/meet up. Also, was it a date? Anyhoo, I think at some point, I was more afraid to commit rather than facing rejection. Rejection, that’s just me having to pick myself back up and mend this broken heart again, and I do have faith I have the strength to do so over time, with the support of the people around me. But, commitment... I’m afraid that I would hurt the other person, especially unknowingly. Maybe that’s why I have this habit of withdrawing and distancing if I feel someone has intentions to be more than friends with me. 

We’ve said it was fate that we met. We’ve also said we’ll leave it up to fate to see where it goes. I think we did both fight for a little at least. Maybe not at the same time, maybe not at the same effort. But I believe we did try? Maybe we could have done better, I could have done better. 

But well, fate has other plans perhaps. 

We were rather different anyway, but yet similar. It’s so strange. Sometimes it felt he was so right for me, but yet so wrong... I’m probably never gonna get the chance to say this to him, but I really appreciate the time and effort he spent talking and initiating convos. Maybe it was the bare minimum at times, and it was just always small talk about food and work, sometimes about nothing really, I enjoyed it. I loved listening to his voice - calming, comforting, probably why I always wanted to hear it when I was falling apart... I loved that he showed me the different perspectives, when I was stressed and upset, he would focus on the good. Maybe not in all aspects, but I felt he did push me, motivate me to be a better person. 

Yet another almost-relationship. Sigh. Will I ever find love someday?

But well, there’s quite a lot of lessons learnt here, I suppose. Made the mistake of creating a version of who I expect him to be, vs who he actually is. And also maybe we focused too much on trying to date, rather than being friends. Also learning that I need to be more open and honest about some stuff, and don’t be too afraid to feel my feelings. It’s tough because I think when I open my heart, sometimes I open up a little too much, but well, when you block out the negative emotions, you block out the positive too. 

Meanwhile, keeping this a little more private between us too. I truly appreciate all the advice given by friends, but it got a little conflicting at some point with too many opinions. But that’s on me. I do love how supportive my friends are, and how much they try to look out for me. Even when things got bad, even when it’s down the same shit cycle, they stayed. Well, I guess some had to take a step back, but that’s understandable too. 

I think it’s time for me to take a step back too. No one can save you, unless you choose to save yourself. I’ve been trying to bring back the focus to me, to do things that used to bring me joy. Also, trying to spread the love and kindness to friends, something I’ve missed doing since I’ve been distancing myself. 

But of course, apart from loving the people around me, it’s time to find my self-love and self-care again. Was watching Enchanted with my friend yesterday, and there was this line, “how can i like someone who doesn’t like themselves”. I’m still conflicted about this line honestly, because I understand it’s tough to find self-love sometimes that we rely on external love, but yes, self-love is also so damn important. But I also remember seeing this, not really sure where now, that - when two people come together in a relationship, they should both be happy with themselves, then coming together as one. A complementary relationship, not a reliant one. 

Sometimes I think I have such high expectations for myself that I don’t wanna mess up in the slightest way. Which in turn, messes shit up. It’s funny, on one hand, it’s like I try to be the best I can be, but I’m also a pretty low maintenance, don’t give a shit person. And sometimes I do try hard to be there for people, just so they won’t have to feel the way I feel. I find it tough to say no, because I would feel bad or sorry. 

But like my friend says, I need to stop feeling bad and sorry. Sometimes we gotta put ourselves first. This was also a lesson I forgot. Sometimes we gotta be selfish. We can’t always set ourselves on fire to give others warmth. 

And well, to end off, also came across this insta story about “Best Way to Get Over Someone”, like damn, even Insta knows. So basically... 

Focus on you 

Get Busy 

Let it all in and accept that it happened and grow from it 

Reaffirm things that make you feel satisfied/happy and find yourself again 

You’re not to blame. Now it’s time to focus on you. Love yourself. Remember, it takes 2 hands to clap 

It’s been nice getting back to writing again. I really do write best when emotional. So yep, time to take a step back and focus on me. Figure out how to love and care for myself again. Let myself feel those feelings, as much as it hurts, as much as it sucks, but better than keeping it all bottled up and not sure when it’ll overflow. 

So, a reminder for anyone out there who’s reading this, remember to take a step back and take some time for you. You’ve got this! Take care and stay safe. Lots of love! 

X

[looselucy]

Out of Reach

May 25th “I literally can’t get over it. Like… it doesn’t seem right.” Louis exhaled beside me, the two of us stood shoulder to shoulder behind the counter at work.

“It’s not right. Chloe and Sam?” Libby seemed almost disgusted, standing on the other side ahead of us. “It’s messed up on so many levels, I literally… I still don’t know what to say about it.” We’d seen them together that morning, meaning that something we’d all been ignoring for the past ten days could no longer be evaded. I suppose since it had all been happening behind closed doors, that made it easier to ignore, reject. But we’d seen them holding hands just outsides PJ’s café, and since they’d decided to take their little affiliation public, it opened up the discussion I’d been dreading. “How’re you feeling about it?” Libby asked me. “Um… I don’t even know. I’ve been trying not to think about it, to be honest. I don’t wanna be mad, it’s too draining and it… It won’t get me anywhere. I just don’t want them to be together. At all.” “What a mess.” Louis huffed. “I dunno how to feel about any of it.” “Same. Like, she rang me the other day and I didn’t even answer.” Libby told us. “I couldn’t!” “Fuck that, I don’t want that!” I cried. “Oh god, I hate this so much. When did everything get so fucked up?” I didn’t want people ignoring her, through sheer awkwardness or for my sake. I didn’t want people feeling like they had to pick sides or be angry on my behalf. I didn’t want any of the bullshit that was happening, but I couldn’t be surprised that the rest of them were feeling the affects of this new coupling too. We were all too close for me to pretend I was the only one who had strong thoughts on the two of them getting together. “I don’t know what his aim is, y’know.” Louis said to me. “Like… when was the last time you saw him? Harry’s birthday, like a month ago? And he was still bitter as fuck about you two breaking up, like… I don’t know. It’s just a bit of a red flag.” “You don’t think he even likes her?” Libby yapped. “I just dunno how you can switch from being bitter about your ex to being with her best mate so quickly. Like, that doesn’t add up to me.” “If he hurts her, I swear to god I’ll actually fucking murder him.” I groaned, dropping my head into my hands. I hadn’t even thought of it like that, but he made a fair point. Ever since we’d broken up, Sam had shown one minor sign of being civil and okay with it all, and even then, he ended it by making foul comments about Harry and how he predicted he felt towards me. Sam had been consistently awful to me thanks to his bitterness about our breakup, but I didn’t think he’d stoop that low, to be with Chloe just to hurt me. He’d shown the worst of himself in recent months, but I still didn’t believe him to be all bad. “I know I need to talk to her, have a proper conversation, but I just can’t bring myself to do it.” I eventually heaved, bringing my head back upwards. “Don’t rush it.” Libby shrugged. “I mean… I’m sure you’ll fix things, in time, but you’re allowed to be pissed off. I mean… it was a shit move. I’d be out for blood if I was you.” “But it wasn’t done to hurt me, was it? It wasn’t done through spite.” “But she still did it.” Libby was tough, as ever. “Like… If me and Lou broke up… I wouldn’t care how bad stuff got, if any of you lot ever went near him, I’d lose my head. I wouldn’t get over that, no matter the circumstances.” Louis seemed to like her statement, each syllable she’d spewed lifting his lips into a bright and beautiful smile. “I love you.” He told her sweetly. “I love you too.” She softened, like she only ever really did for him. Seeing them so happy and madly in love was both amazing and excruciating. To have them share those words with such ease and such honesty, like love was the easiest thing in the world. My envy was irrefutable. “You two are so lucky.” I mumbled. “It seems so… perfect.” “We took our time though.” Louis said. “Too long! I can’t believe after we kissed you went all defensive! Acting like it didn’t mean anything and you didn’t want more!” “What? I was scared!” He wailed, the two of them laughing at his foolishness before Libby leaned across the counter to share a quick kiss with him. “Okay, I’ve gotta go to work.” She told us. “Don’t have a fun Saturday night without me, right?” “I’ll probably just come sit on the other side of the bar. Keep you company.” Louis smiled. It was like they never wanted to be apart, and though I wanted to smile and blush over the way they were with each other, I found my face unable to be anything but stern as I watched them say their goodbyes, Louis walking around to the other side of the counter to do it properly. I thought of Harry more than I cared to admit. More than I could admit, given I felt I was going through the whole thing entirely by myself. I’d rang my dad a few days earlier, poured my heart out, cried for a solid hour as he tried to make out my words through my tears, but it wasn’t quite the same. When I shared with my closest friends, my words were accompanied by a brutal honesty that simply wasn’t quite there with my dad. But then there was this other part of me that was glad none of them knew, that I could just get through it on my own without it being a constant concern or conversation. It was tiring enough having to discuss what was going on with Chloe and Sam, I couldn’t even imagine what it would be like to have them asking me about Harry too. He'd been absent from my life since he’d told us all he planned on moving away, and I believed it was likely he’d already gone. It wasn’t like he received a positive reaction from any of us, and I thought he would have found it easier to up and leave without a word. It certainly wouldn’t have been out of character either. I was almost angry at myself for missing him as much as I was. I wished I could be stronger than that, see it all as a good thing, because if he truly couldn’t love me then there was nothing more to give, nothing left to say. I didn’t want to miss him and have my heart ache so much, because how he’d acted and the things he’d said and the way he’d dragged my heart around, teased it with the idea of love, was not something to be desired or missed. And yet. “See you soon!” Libby called after their kiss, the bell ringing as she let herself out of my shop. “Don’t work too hard!” “Even if I wanted to.” I groaned bitterly. For a Saturday we were exceptionally quiet, which was sometimes a blessing, but as the year went on with more speed than I could fathom, my financial worries were at the forefront of my mind during most of my days at work. Whenever it got too quiet, all I could think about was the thousands of pounds that I needed to fund my mother’s care that I didn’t have. Quiet days made me feel so uneasy. It sort of felt like everything at that time made me feel uneasy. “Right… Do you need me to do owt?” Louis turned back around to face me. “I don’t think so. We’re all caught up, even with the boring work.” “Need me to go and… drag innocent villagers indoors and force them to buy wine?” “Yes!” I chuckled. “Brilliant idea.” He crinkled his nose momentarily before leaning on the counter and speaking gently. “Don’t worry about money. We’ll sort it. We’ll figure it out, I promise.” “I appreciate the positivity,” I sighed. “M’just not really feeling too positive about it myself right now.” “Understandable. But… if we’ve gotta take some extra steps, then we will.” “Like what?” “I dunno, I’ve been thinking maybe like… tasting events? Invite people here, get ‘em all drinking.” “That’s not a bad idea!” “Right? Get people drunk on half decent wines that we don’t sell much of, next they’ll be spending too much money on overpriced wine, and we’ll be laughing.” “How have I not thought about this? Why do I have zero initiative?” I wailed. “You’ve got enough on your mind. We’ve already got the license to have people drink here, so it’d be easy to sort.” “You’re a genius. If you weren’t madly in love with my best friend, I’d propose right now.” “Anything to help.” He shrugged, totally nonchalant. “Also, I have to say… Pretty bold move. Turning Harry’s money offer down like that.” I groaned, even rolled my eyes, stumbling across another conversation I’d wished to avoid. I was glad it hadn’t come up earlier; I suppose money is always a touchy subject, always difficult to discuss. “I know you probably think I’m stupid-” “I don’t.” He cut me off quickly. “I thought it was class, to be honest. And I think it took guts, so props to ya.” “I feel like there’s a but…” “But-” He confirmed my suspicions, chuckling lightly. “I just don’t want you to forget that it’s an option, y’know? Even if it’s just… the last bit of money you need to get to the final amount. I know it’s a weird thing, and probably not the most comfortable, but… Sometimes you’ve gotta put pride and comfort aside for the greater good, know what I mean?” “Well… I doubt the offer will be on the table from New York.” I dismissed. “And I don’t wanna set out to do this with a fallback plan anyway, so…” “Alright. I just wanted to put my thoughts out there.” I heard the bell chime before I noticed someone had welcomed themselves into the shop, the two of us greeting our new customer with friendly smiles. I was thankful for a route out of that conversation. “Afternoon.” Louis chirped. “Hi.” The woman chirped back before heading out onto the shop floor, looking carefully through our collection. “M’gunna go make myself look busy.” Louis leaned across the counter and whispered. “Gimme a shout if you need anything.” He walked away, heading towards a nearby shelf to do something close to nothing so it appeared as though we were actually running a business rather than just chatting and drinking brews all day. “Are you looking for anything specific or just browsing?” I offered my help, eager for a sale. “Browsing.” She turned to me and smiled. “I’ll let you know if I need anything.” I wasn’t even sure she’d finished talking before my face completely dropped, staring at her in disbelief, wondering if my mind was simply playing tricks on me, convincing me of something completely false, finding familiarity within a face I’d actually never seen. I knew I recognised her, but it was where I recognised her from that seemed impossible to believe, impossible to even comprehend. But my gut was telling I was right. I kept thinking of the picture of her that I’d once seen, and I knew. It was Harry’s mum. Harry’s mum was right there in my shop. For a while I didn’t move, my mouth wide as she perused the collection we had, none the wiser. There was a part of me that was worried I was jumping to conclusions, but the likeliness she had with the picture I’d seen was far too close to dismiss. She almost looked exactly the same as she had in the photo Harry had shown me; a few more wrinkles, shorter hair, but I could see so clearly that it was her, there wasn’t really any doubt in my mind, just complete disbelief. “Holy shit.” I whispered to myself before leaping to my feet and darting over to Louis, grabbing his shoulder briskly and whispering harshly in his ear. “Please keep her busy, I need to do something.” “Huh?” “Just make sure she doesn’t leave! Do what you’re good at, get your charm on, I’ll be… two minutes.” “Everything okay?” “It’s fine!” I rushed towards the back of the shop, needing to get out of earshot from the two of them, so I headed towards the cellar, scrambling to get my phone out of my pocket as quickly as possible. As I got to the top of the stairs, I managed to finally yank the item free, so frantic in my attempts that I immediately dropped it, hearing and watching it smash down each and every step before it landed with an almighty thud right on the concrete at the bottom. “For fuck sake.” I seethed, bolting down to the stairs and cursing as I took each step. I crouched down and grabbed my phone from the floor as soon as I could, falling backwards and sitting myself on one of the steps as I inspected the damage, the screen completely shattered but it seemed to still be working. As quickly as I could, I squinted my eyes, found Harry’s name in my contacts and called him, checking back over my shoulder to see the empty doorway at the top of the wooden stairs before turning back around, feeling sick over the sound of the dial tone. I didn’t even think he’d answer to me, not after everything. I thought he’d see my name on his screen and purposefully avoid the call. But he answered. “Fee?” “Harry, where are you? Please tell me you’re still in Rosebury? Please.” “I’m here, I’m at home. What’s happening? Where are you?” He picked up on the panic in my voice and immediately panicked himself. “You need to come to the shop right now.” “What’s happening?” “Please just-” “Alfie, you’re worrying me! What’s happening?” “Shit. I don’t… I don’t know how to say this, so I’m just gunna… spit it out.” I took a moment, calmed myself down. “Your mum’s here. Your mum is here in my shop, right now.” He was quiet for so long that I pulled my phone away from my face to check he was actually still there and we hadn’t been cut off, but of course he couldn’t find the right thing to say. I couldn’t even begin to imagine how he felt hearing that, knowing his mother was just minutes away from him after he’d waited for so many years, looked for her, written to her and bought a house for her. How could he possibly find the right thing to say? “I can keep her here, I can stall her, but you have to get here now.” I blurted after a while, but he still didn’t say anything. “Harry?” “I… Yeah, m’here. Sorry.” He murmured. “You don’t have to be sorry. I get that this… This is a lot, but… you have to get here before she leaves. Please. Please get here as soon as you can, okay?” “Okay.” He replied, voice monotonic. “Okay.” I shuddered. “I’ll see you soon.” “Yeah.” He said, and then the line cut dead. I placed my phone down beside me and dropped my head into my hands, needing to gather myself before heading back upstairs so I didn’t end up just driving her away. I had to try and remain calm, casual, not let onto the fact that I knew exactly who she was and that her son who she hadn’t seen for almost seven years was on his way to see her. I felt the complete opposite of calm.

An hour passed before Julia had left my store, a smile on her face and three new bottles of wine purchased. An hour we’d managed to keep her there. Harry had never shown up. It wasn’t uncommon that we’d get chatting with someone friendly, give them a drink or two and form a nice little relationship with them, not only because it usually guaranteed a sale, but it was nice. However, an hour was a rather substantial visit, and by the time she was buying her bottles I felt like any more attempts to make her stay would have been too irregular to pass off. Besides, Harry had made it clear that he wasn’t going to show up. His house was less than a five minute walk away from my shop, and she had been there for a fucking hour after I’d called him and he hadn’t shown up. I had to admit to myself that there was no need for me to keep her there. We’d closed up shop not long after she’d left, and my plan had been to go upstairs, have an evening to myself and attempt to ignore what had happened, but I couldn’t. I needed to speak to Harry. The sun was beginning to set when I found myself taking the path leading to his home, all too familiar with every stone beneath my feet, every tree surrounding me that sheltered his home. It wasn’t the first time I’d taken that path feeling so restless, so unhappy. But I imagined it would be my last. I hadn’t wanted to go there feeling so wound up, but it seemed to be an emotion I couldn’t supress, so by the time I’d pounced onto his porch and knocked on his door, I was loud, brazen. He was bound to know it was me. I was the only person around who was kind of in the position where I could go to his house, because even after everything, it was still a place he kept completely closed off from everyone other than me. So when he answered the door with his head already down, I wasn’t surprised. He must have been expecting me to show up. “Where were you?” My voice was quiet, stern, but he didn’t say a thing. He didn’t even lift his head to look at me. “Why didn’t you show up?” Even when I’d gathered that he wasn’t going to turn up, I hadn’t wanted to intervene too much, to tell Julia what I knew and send her his way. It had needed to be him coming to her, not the other way around. It didn’t even feel like an option to tell her where he was and put that weight in her hands. He remained quiet, a look of guilt heavy around his tired eyes. “She was right there, Harry! She was right fucking there!” I cried. “This was your chance and you… you let it slip through your fingers.” “I… I couldn’t.” He hushed. “What… What do you mean?” “I just couldn’t. I tried, but-” “How the hell do ever expect to feel better about what happened when you don’t even dare see her? How do you think you’re gunna be able to move on and feel okay if you don’t let yourself?” “It’s not as easy as that.” “It is!” I yelped, tears in my eyes. “You were looking for her a few weeks ago! What the fuck changed? I don’t understand!” “I’m leaving tomorrow.” He was shaking, maybe ashamed. “I… I couldn’t see the point, I-” “That’s bullshit. You’re such a coward. You’re such a fucking coward.” My tears finally began to fall as I produced my words with quite some bite. “She was right there, Harry! You chose to miss her and I… I don’t understand why. I’m just so frustrated with you, it breaks my heart! That was your chance to get what you’ve wanted for years and you just… You just…” I burst into tears. I was utterly irritated with him and the choice he’d made that afternoon, but more than anything I just felt so terrible for him. Because I knew it wasn’t some simple choice; that he’d thought it over and decided not to see her because of idleness or indifference. I knew full well it would have absolutely killed him, and all the damage and agony that had occurred over the years had lead him to believe he shouldn’t see her, or couldn’t see her. It was so heart-breaking to witness him deprive himself of growth that way. It was so reflective of the boy I’d first met, not the boy I’d fallen in love with. “I’m not gunna force myself back into her life. I can’t do it.” He lifted his head, nostrils broadening as he held back tears. “I won’t fucking do it. She’s better off without me. She-” “Snap out of it, Harry! Do you even hear yourself? You won’t know unless you try, and this was your chance! I know it’s scary and I know you fucked up before, but that was a long time ago! You owe it to yourself!” I blubbered, reaching to grasp my fingers tightly at his t-shirt. “I’m so angry with you. I’m so fucking angry.” “I’m sorry.” He was physically shaking, tears finally beginning to pour over. “You can’t talk about how much you miss her and how much you wanna fix things and then not fucking show up when she’s here. You’re a fucking coward.” I yanked him forward only to push him back. “Stop being so scared! Stop pushing people away!” “But Jack-” He blurted, and very swiftly stopped himself. “Jack what?” I snapped. “Nothing.” “Harry!” “I’m sorry.” He wept, wrapping his hand around mine, not to try and tease my touch away from his clothing, more like he just wanted to feel my skin against his. “Stop saying you’re fucking sorry and just fix it! Fuck.” He pulled me into him, the two of us throwing our arms around each other and just hugging, holding each other as tightly as we physically could. My suspicions over exactly what had happened with Jack and what he had said to him the night he turned up were becoming more sinister every single time it entered my mind. I knew that what he’d done, stealing his work and his faux apologies, had been bad enough in itself; but I was sure something had been said that he wasn’t telling me. It was after that night that everything seemed to change, that I could literally see the evolution of his character diminish before my eyes. Something menacing must have been said, because it wasn’t just that Harry seemed like he had when he first appeared in Rosebury, because he was worse. He moved there with the intention of finding his mum. Mere weeks earlier, if he’d known she was in town, he would have been there in seconds. Jack had fucked with his head so much that he couldn’t even bring himself to face the one person who he’d been seeking for years. His arms trapped themselves around my waist, mine around his neck, running my fingers through his hair as he buried his face against my neck, the feel of his lips light against my skin. It was difficult to comprehend how being close with him pained me so much but felt so right. He practically pulled me inside without unwrapping himself, taking steps backwards and dragging me with him. “Please talk to me.” I gasped gently. “I just wanna understand what changed, please.” “I… I can’t.” He mumbled bleakly. “Please, Harry.” “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” He wept. “It’s just not right. I don’t wanna fuck it up. I’d fuck it up.” “You wouldn’t.” I shuddered, squeezing tighter. He really thought she would be better off without him. And even though he was totally wrong about that, it was clear that he wasn’t as ready as he once had been, for whatever reasons. He needed more time. He needed to take a step back and see things clearly, heal once more, because in recent weeks a haze had built around his life that he could not shine a light through. The real problem was that from what I could see, he wasn’t even trying to. He lifted his face and put his hands on my waist, gripping me forcefully as he rested his forehead against mine, eyes closed, noses touching. We were too close, too overwhelmed with emotions to think straight. I took a step back, my attempts to distance falling flat as he moved with me, my back crashing against the wall as he opened his eyes and stared deep into mine. The composition of my beaten breath was fluctuating, watching his eyes fall down to my lips. I tried to block it out, but then I picked up on his breathlessness, the minor way in which he pulled at my waist to bring my body closer to his, the subtle tilt of his head, his lips lulling themselves closer to mine. “Harry-” I whispered. “Please.” His voice was dull, a desperate call for forbidden affection. “No. We can’t.” I gasped. The only thing I wanted more than to close the miniature gap between our lips was for my heart to start healing, and that wouldn’t happen if I let myself kiss him. “I can’t leave without kissing you, Fee. I can’t.” “Stop!” I cried, losing my patience and pushing him away from me. “You can leave without kissing me, because that’s exactly what you’re doing!” “Well then I don’t want to!” He snapped, voice raising. “Harry stop fucking with my head!” I yelled back at him. “I get that you’re having a hard time right now and your feelings are all over the place, but I am not just some fucking void for you to try and figure that out!” “Fuck, that’s not- I don’t-” “It’s so unfair! Think of my feelings!” “I AM!” He shouted, before immediately dropping his head, like he was stopping himself from saying something he might regret. “I’m sorry, but I… I’m sorry. I didn’t think, I’m sorry.” It was quite clear that he wasn’t in a good place, and it hurt to admit that I didn’t feel like I was strong enough to help him. My heart had completely shattered when he’d told me he couldn’t love me, and I wanted to look out for myself, care for myself before caring for him even though it was clear he needed it. But due to the state of my heart and with him moving away the following day, it left me feeling powerless. “I need to go.” “Fee-Fee, I need you to know how sorry I am.” “For what? Which part?” I scowled. He stopped breathing for a few seconds, looked right me, and then exhaled. “All of it.” I wiped away my tears, lifted my head up high, composed myself. Harry genuinely looked weak. I hated what had happened to us. “I have to go. I can’t drag this out anymore, I have to go.” It was difficult to truly comprehend exactly when things got so disordered, so completely excruciating. It seemed to me that the days where I’d seen the two of us and our relationship as this beautiful, powerful thing were only just out of reach; something the tips of my fingers could still touch, the taste of us still resting lightly upon my lips and heavy upon my heart. It was so close but so far away I could barely see it, barely recognise what we were, or what I thought we’d been. Shaking, I stepped towards the doorway, about to walk out, walk away from him completely, but then I stopped, remembering something I knew I needed to share with him. “She lives in Cheshire.” “Huh?” “I was talking to her, and I found out she lives in Cheshire now. Holmes Chapel. So if you ever pluck up the courage, that’s where she’ll be.” He looked completely amazed, lips parted and eyes wide but silent. And in those seconds before I left, I understood why he’d wanted to kiss me, regardless of everything. Because I had to look at us then and accept that this was our goodbye. This pain. This uncertainty. This agony. It didn’t feel right and we deserved more than that, but there was nothing more to give. Maybe I should have kissed him. I’d never know whether kissing him would have made our goodbye sweeter or unbearably bitter. “And if you ever pluck up the courage… this is where I’ll be.” I sighed. With those words, I left, hoping that I’d see him again in brighter times, when he’d learnt how to destroy thunderous clouds in order for the sun to finally shine and give light to a life he’d allowed to be shrouded in darkness. I hoped I’d see him again in days where I’d be able to smile when I saw his face again rather than feel like I’d been hit in the gut. I hoped he’d come back one day, even just to visit, so we could have something good, something kinder than that awful goodbye. I truly hoped that a shared sense of peace wasn’t completely out of reach for us. But until then, that goodbye was all we had. And it hurt.

[thevoilinauttheory]

Music Profile

Rules: For many of us, music is a source of inspiration for our characters, so I want to know what songs inspire and/relate to your muse! Choose between 10-15 songs, compile them into an album and tag some friends to share the beat!

As tagged by @lukawarrioroflight​ so very, very, very long ago. You made me do a bad thing - which was spend at least 3 hours compiling a list of 10 songs for each of the characters I roleplay the most. M’nhea’s will come first - since I haven’t thought too much about songs for him - and all the others (Maximiloix, Danny, and Amosis) will be listed under the cut. These songs aren’t in a specific order~ 

I’m going to pick up the tags again for once, so I’m tagging: @renofmanyalts​, @jasleh​, @amdapori​, @prodigalsong​, @spotofmummery​, @journeybetweenworlds​, @astralyehga​, @houserosaire​, @cadrenebula​, @ever-searching​, @munchix-home-cooking​, @egrine​

M’nhea Tia:

Silhouettes - Of Monsters and Men

There's nothing that I'd take back But it's hard to say there's nothing I regret Cause when I sing, you shout I breathe out loud You bleed, we crawl like animals But when it's over, I'm still awake

Coming of Age - Foster the People

When my fear pulls me out to sea And the stars are hidden by my pride and my enemies I seem to hurt the people that care the most Just like an animal, I protect my pride When I'm too bruised to fight And even when I'm wrong, I tend to think I'm right

RUNAWAY - half.alive

I hold my life out in front of me, dreams of who I want to be I'm seeing every empty page But I find that everything I am is everything I should be I don't need to run away I don't need to run away Yeah I don't need to run away

The Phoenix - Fall Out Boy

Hey young blood Doesn't it feel like our time is running out? I'm gonna change you like a remix Then I'll raise you like a phoenix Wearing our vintage misery No, I think it looked a little better on me I'm gonna change you like a remix Then I'll raise you like a phoenix

Knights of Cydonia - Muse

No one's gonna take me alive The time has come to make things right You and I must fight for our rights You and I must fight to survive

It’s Not My Fault, I’m Happy - Passion Pit

It's not right, it's not right How am I the only one who sees us fight? What are we? Who are they? Who says those bastards don't deserve to pay? Well it's enough, it's just enough 'cause we don't stand a chance So long you stay around, you're just another song and dance It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair Still I'm the only one who seems to care

Hunger - Of Monsters and Men

Hungry for the kill, but this hunger, it isn't you Voices disappear when you are speaking, in somber tunes I will be the wolf and when you're starving, you'll need it too Hungry for the kill, but this hunger, it isn't you It isn't you, it isn't

The Best - AWOLNATION

I'm hardly perfect I'm barely good Just shy of greatness Ah-ah I'm heavy metal And hollow wood Just shy of patience Ah-ah

Titanium - David Guetta, ft. Sia

Cut me down, but it's you who'll have further to fall Ghost town and haunted love Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones I'm talking loud, not saying much

I Just Wanna Shine - Fitz & The Tantrums

So I wake up I get out of bed, and stay up Stay out of my head 'Cause it's dangerous And I don't wanna lose my mind, no

Maximiloix:

Warrant - Foster the People

Fear is like a fake friend It warms you up and takes you in You mouth the words but no sound comes out Fear is like your best friend Manipulates and takes you in You mouth the words No sound again

Choke - I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME

Now shut your dirty mouth If I could burn this town I wouldn't hesitate To smile while you suffocate and die And that would be just fine What a lovely time That it would surely be So bite your tongue and choke yourself to sleep

Punching in a Dream - The Naked and Famous

All the lights go down as I crawl into the spaces Fight, flight, or the screams, life tearing at the seams Wait, I don't ever want to be here Like punching in a dream, breathing life into my nightmare

I Am a Nightmare - Brand New

So come shake your Zen out And give me pure energy My heart is glowing fluorescent, I want you to possess it I’m not a prophecy come true I’ve just been goddamn mean to you So what is this thing laced with Please, don't replace me I surrender, embrace me Whatever I'm faced with

Crystals - Of Monsters and Men

I know I'll wither so peel away the bark 'Cause nothing grows when it is dark In spite of all my fears, I can see it all so clear I see it all so clear

Crown of Love - Arcade Fire

They say it fades if you let it Love was made to forget it I carved your name across my eyelids You pray for rain, I pray for blindness

Thank God I’m Not You - Himalayas

You could call me narcissistic You could say I'm of no worth You could call me the scorn of Satan But I could be so much worse

To My Enemies - Saint Motel

You know that talk is cheap Keep talkin' as I turn my cheek You know that no one really cares (Did you know that, did you know that?) It wasn't that long ago You wanted to slit my throat To find out if my blood bleeds blue (Did you know that, did you know that?)

An Honest Mistake - The Bravery

Sometimes I forget I'm still awake I fuck up and say these things out loud My old friend... I swear I never meant for this I never meant...

Forgive Me Friend - Smith & Thell

'Cause I fell in the hole, in the hole, in the hole My heart was turning cold, turning cold, turning cold I never wanted this to end, can you forgive me friend?

Danny:

Upside Down & Inside Out - OK Go

I wish I had said the things you thought that I had said Gravity's just a habit that you're really sure you can't break So when you met the new you Were you scared? Were you cold? Were you kind? Yeah when you met the new you Did someone die inside?

Houdini - Foster the People

Got shackles on, my words are tied Fear can make you compromise With the lights turned up, it's hard to hide Sometimes I wanna disappear

Dance Dance Dance - 65daysofstatic

[Instrumental]

Cradles - Sub Urban

Tape my eyes open to force reality (Oh no, no) Why can’t you just let me eat my weight in glee? I live inside my own world of make-believe Kids screaming in their cradles, profanities Some days I feel skinnier than all the other days Sometimes I can't tell if my body belongs to me

Fire - Barnes Courtney

Oh, a thousand faces staring at me Thousand times I've fallen Thousand voices dead at my feet Now I'm gone, now I'm gone, now I'm gone

Meet Me in the Woods - Lord Huron

I have seen what the darkness does Say goodbye to who I was I ain't never been away so long Don't look back, them days are gone Follow me into the endless night I can bring your fears to life Show me yours and I'll show you mine Meet me in the woods tonight

Simmer - Hayley Williams

Control There's so many ways to give in Eyes closed Another way to make it to ten Oh, how to draw the line between wrath and mercy? Gotta simmer, simmer, simmer, simmer, simmer down

Rawnald Gregory Erickson the Second - STRFKR

All my life There you go Oh please stay Just this once Anyway

Cigarette Daydreams - Cage the Elephant

Funny how it seems like yesterday As I recall you were looking out of place Gathered up your things and slipped away No time at all I followed you into the hall Cigarette daydream You were only seventeen So sweet with a mean streak Nearly brought me to my knees

In the Woods Somewhere - Hozier

The creature lunged I turned and ran To save a life I didn't have Dear, in the chase There as I flew Forgot all prayers Of joining you

Amosis:

Vy från ett luftslott - Kent

Där missilerna möts De viskar: hålen i himlen ska bli våran död Ovanför molnen Där djävulen bor De viskar: hålen i himlen är från hans klor

//

Where the missiles meet They whisper: the holes in the heavens will be our death Above the clouds Where the devil lives They whisper: the holes in the heavens are from his claws

Panic Station - Muse

Ooh, 1, 2, 3, 4 fire's in your eyes And this chaos, it defies imagination Ooh, 5, 6, 7 minus 9 lives And I know that you will fight for the duration Ooh, 1, 2, 3, 4 fire's in your eyes And you know I'm not resisting your temptations Ooh, 5, 6, 7 minus 9 lives You've arrived at panic station

Destruction - Joywave

I wanna know who you told 'til they're all laying on the floor Frozen to the core I wanna know who you told 'til it's nobody anymore Nobody anymore

Little Dark Age - MGMT

I grieve in stereo The stereo sounds strange You know that if it hides It doesn't go away If I get out of bed You'll see me standing all alone Horrified On the stage My little dark age

The Wolf - SIAMÉS

I’m out of my head Of my heart and my mind 'Cause you can run but you can’t hide I’m gonna make you mine Out of my head Of my heart and my mind 'Cause I can feel how your flesh now Is crying out for more

It Doesn’t Matter Why - Silversun Pickups

You hear us come and go, we know You wonder if we're not alone, we're alone You think about us all the time, don't Because it doesn't matter why we're known We're just known, we're just known

Sleep Alone - Two Door Cinema Club

He sleeps alone He needs no army where he's headed cause he knows That they're just ghosts And they can't hurt him if he can't see them, ohh And I may go To places I have never been to just to find The deepest desires in my mind

still.feel - half.alive

So when I lose my gravity in this sleepy womb Drifting as I dream, but I'll wake up soon To realize the hand of life is reaching out To rid me of my pride I call allegiance to myself

Iron - Woodkid

This deadly burst of snow is burning my hands I'm frozen to the bones, I am A million miles from home, I'm walking away I can't remind your eyes, your face

Content - Joywave

I'm searching for the difference between What content and content can bring Maybe they're no different 'cause they look the same (They look the same) Maybe I'm just an algorithm with a given name (A given name) But... trying to find the difference The difference, the difference, the difference

[softlunars]

unholy.

60 things ; things you said that i wish you hadn’t & things you said with clenched fists. — bang chan ; stray kids

demon au! —fallen angel!chan x demon!reader

requested: [yes!]

(a/n): “nunc ostende te” is latin for “now show yourself.” i didnt,,, wanna look up an actual demon summon cause i’m a whole ass scaredy cat so that’s the most i did sjzknaksmz

technically, chan shouldn’t be doing this. he shouldn’t be drawing a pentagram on his apartment floor. he shouldn’t be opening a summoning book. and he definitely shouldn’t be flipping to the demons section of said book.

this would’ve all applied to him if he still had wings on his back. but he didn’t — they were clipped off months ago, and chan was sent to tumble down to the earth, forced to make his own path from then on. did it bother him? well, maybe if he thought about it enough, it would. he doesn’t allow himself to drift off to the past, though; things are left in the past for a reason, and sometimes, they’re better off there — to be forgotten.

chan thumbed through the demons section, his eyes flitting across the hundreds of pages until he found what he was looking for.

how to summon a demon.

he scanned the page, looking for the ceremony that had to take place. he skipped over the descriptions of demons — different types, kinds of powers, different demon specialities. chan wasn’t interested in all that; he just wanted to summon a demon. did he have any reason? no, not really. maybe he wanted to spite God further or something, he didn’t know.

the book, which was filled with descriptions of supernatural beings and different summons, materialized in front of him in the early dawn. the ancient literature acted as if it were a magnet, reeling in chan’s interest until he finally picked it up. which is how he found himself in the middle of a pentagram.

he set the book down, outside of the pentagram’s reach. a nervous huff of air left him. why the hell was he doing this? he didn’t want to come face to face with a soul-eating creature from the depths of hell, and he certainly didn’t want to be ripped to shreds before his soul followed suit.

chan continued anyways. he’s already finished the preliminary setup — there was no legitimate reason to stop now.

he took a deep breath in a futile effort to relieve his nerves. was chan stupid? going through with this, yes, he most likely was. did he lose his mind? most definitely.

chan took a quick glance at the sentences he needed to utter. he had to get them right; if he didn’t, he might as well sell his soul to the actual devil.

he began the chant, albeit very shakily. chan was certain he was going to die tonight. his few months spent on earth were going to abruptly end as soon as he finished.

“nunc ostende te.” as he uttered the final sentence, chan snapped his eyes open. if he were going to die right now, he might as well look his killer in the eyes.

the dim flicker of the candles’ flames were the only things he could see. nothing moved, nothing changed, not even the air felt different — something chan thought to be the first aspect to dramatically shift after chanting a summon this dark.

he breathed a sigh of relief. thank the heavens that didn’t work.

the candles were extinguished. the air became bitingly cold. and suddenly, chan feared for his life.

“i don’t know who’s coming out but you don’t have to show yourself — i’d be more than happy to just go to sleep.” he spoke into the still air, trying to convince whatever spirit entered his apartment to leave him the hell alone.

“you summoned me, man. it’s your fault you asked for a demon.” a dark voice bounced off his living room walls. as it stopped speaking, a body materialized at the edge of the pentagram. well, chan thought, it was a nice couple months.

the gaze that met his eyes was apathetic, empty and almost… entertainingly bored. there were no visible horns, no bats’ wings or pointy tail chan could make out. if he didn’t know any better, he’d assume the person in front of him was just a mortal.

you spoke again, this time with an amused edge decorating your speech. “i don’t take fallen angels’ souls, if that’s why your mind’s traveling twenty trillion miles an hour. i don’t even collect souls in general, dude. i just fuck with people.”

“how did you know i’m a fallen angel?” chan’s eyes glinted with a curious apprehension; he knew demons could read minds — angels were granted that ability, as well — but he didn’t know they could differentiate immortal beings from mortal ones. this was something angels weren’t granted the gift to do. unless they made themselves known to each other, angels weren’t able to tell supernatural from human.

“you got a funny aura ‘round you. i usually only see that with fallen angels or whatever. but what’s a former God’s kiss-ass doing in the middle of a pentagram?” you raised an eyebrow conspicuously. the few times you were summoned before, you’d only been greeted by a handful of fallen angels. their reasoning for summoning such a dark creature was simple — they were bored and wanted to tell their former ruler to “fuck off.”

chan shrugged his shoulders at your question. he didn’t have a response; he didn’t even know why he did it himself. your head rolled back on your shoulders as a sharp laugh echoed throughout the room.

“your thoughts are fucking hilarious, just thought i should tell ya.” your comment made a blush furiously form on chan’s face. maybe this was a really shitty idea.

“listen, fallen angel, i gotta make other rounds, so i’m gonna strike a deal with ya.” you watched as your summoner’s eyebrows rose, prompting you to continue.

“i ain’t gonna do some typical demon shit, alright? but i wanna mark ya — it isn’t a bad thing, man, calm down!” you really were entertained by this. what a hell of a fun time this was making itself out to be!

chan’s eyes squinted as he stared you down. he had his apprehensions, of course — he didn’t know what the hell a mark was; he was never taught that! what if this was a way for you to siphon his soul from him, bit by bit, until you drained it from his body entirely?

“it’s just so i’m the only demon that’s allowed near ya. no one else can come anywhere close to you with this. so, while you’re protected from other nasty lil’ shits, you got your own lil’ shit that can annoy you until the end of the universe.” you observed the former angel’s face, gauging his reaction to your offer. you were pleasantly surprised when he nodded his head.

“fine. mark me.”

after you marked the fallen angel, you found yourself constantly appearing at his side. he would almost jump out of his skin every time, which always provided you with an intense laughing session.

you learned quite a bit about chan. you were informed about the difficult schooling he was put through as a child; he’d reveal small bits and pieces about his life in the clouds, like how one time he almost made a fellow angel kick his ass past recognition.

“i was a really shitty angel, now that i think about it.” chan laughed out once, on one of the times you accompanied him at nightfall. “maybe you shoulda been born a demon.” you had joked that night, but chan took it harsher than you intended. the shift in his emotions was evident, as he turned colder toward you until you left him alone for the following week.

you chose your words more carefully after that night. sure, you were a demon — a supernatural entity born for the sole purpose of evil. but being a creature formed from pure hatred didn’t hinder the conscience you owned, regardless of how small it was.

your efforts weren’t always fruitful. tonight was one of those times.

chan had turned colder than ice just moments before, a comment you made angering him once more. the fallen angel became mute, barely even acknowledging you were still in his apartment. it hurt your feelings — pissed you off more than anything. you never intended to attack him with your choice of words. but, regardless of how cautious you were, so many things seemed to set chan off.

“chan, i dunno what your whole… issue or whatever is, but you ain’t gotta be a dick to me ‘cause of it.” you felt the boiling pit in your stomach grow as chan turned to face you. if looks could kill, both of you would have been reduced to dust.

“my problem, (y/n), is your heartless comments about how i ‘should’ve been born in hell.’ i was born an angel for a reason, just like you were born a demon for a reason.” his voice sliced through the air, making the fire in your stomach pour out. if chan wanted to see why you were a demon, oh, was he going to see why.

“okay, kid. your wings were torn off your back for a reason, and you wanna know why? ‘cause you fucking failed at being an angel! you couldn’t appease God, you couldn’t reach the standards he set. you. fucked. up.” your aura darkened as you continued spitting words at chan. flames seemed to form around your body as your fury fueled you.

“which means, angel boy, that you weren’t cut out to stay behind those damn pearly gates! you weren’t a good fit. you weren’t meant to stay at God’s ‘holy fucking side.’”

chan’s gaze filled with hatred and indignation as your jabs reached his ears. how dare you say that to him? how dare you act as if you know anything about heaven, about God?

his fists clenched and unclenched by his side as he listened to your tyraid. finally, chan snapped after your last insult hung in the air.

“you might as well have been banished to hell, ‘cause at least you woulda been surrounded by people who fucked up just as bad as you did, and people who were just as shitty as you.”

“stop acting as if you know anything about heaven. you’re a lowlife demon, for fucks sake!” his words felt hotter than the flames that licked at your skin down in hell.

“you’re the scum of the supernatural world. you hold no good in your heart, no light in your soul — nothing!” you watched as the glint in his eye grew into a ball of fire, aimed to hit you and reduce you to nothing.

“God wanted me at one point, which is the difference between you and i. someone wanted me, no one ever wanted you.”

chan’s words slammed into your brain. these thoughts — they weren’t new to you. you were well aware that no one wants a demon around. no one would ever want a demon around.

you could easily push those facts to the side if you or a fellow demon voiced them. but hearing them from chan, a former angel, someone God handpicked to serve him, lit you up.

“you’re just as terrible as us demons. you have no fucking soul, bang chan.”

“you deserve to rot in hell, just like the rest of us.”

with that, you disappeared from chan’s apartment. the fallen angel never saw you again.

[boku-no-imagine-this]

I HIGHKEY LOVE YOUR TODOROKI ANGST! I. NEED. MORE. can you please make a angst scenario of Todoroki and a fem!reader with a quirk that makes her live forever. I wanna see how you'll make my heart ache with this 👀. Love you so much!!!!!!!

a/n: thank you,,,, you asked for angst, You got angst. Love you too anon!!! I added a twist to the quirk as well. Shoutout to the betas from the bnha x reader discord server for helping me with corrections. I’m so so so so so thankful to the people who took their time off to beta this 💕

Promise to Neverland 

“Peter Pan and I have similar quirks.” you said softly, looking at the children’s book. Your small child hands lifted the book up from the table then placed it back on the bookshelf.

“Huh? Does Peter Pan even have a quirk”

You shook your head. “I don’t think so. He just lives forever,” you stated.

“Then we can be like Peter Pan and Wendy” The young boy with those deep blue and grey orbs had suggested with a blush tinted on his cheeks but you frantically shook your head in disapproval.

“Silly! I should be Wendy and You should be Peter Pan since I’m the girl” You huffed, puffing your cheeks.

“You said you’re like Peter Pan…” Shoto trailed off. “So Wendy is the one who lives normally”

“I know…” You sighed in disappointment. “I don’t want that… Peter Pan and Wendy’s story end badly. Peter is stuck in Neverland and Wendy grows up and never sees him again. I…” You trailed off, trying to hold your tears back.

“I don’t want to say goodbye!” you yelled with tears pricking the end of your eyes.

Shoto walked forward and engulfed you into a warm, gentle hug which you were too upset to even return. “I promise to never say goodbye.”

You finally returned the hug. “Promise? Promise to the second star to the right and straight on till morning”

He pulled away and smiled at you. “Promise to the second star to the right and straight on till morning”

Promises were meant to live on forever. However, they were made in such a naive stage of life when you were both unaware of the fact that unlike promises, those who make them don’t live on forever.

———-

Growing up, your appearance had only moderately changed. Your quirk allowed you to stop and slow down time in certain objects. Due to a malfunction of your quirk, you had accidentally used it on yourself, causing you to age differently. Even with that, you were able to still be cared for by your best friend, the boy whom you had met and befriended merely through your parent’s connections.

 Shoto was there for you when things went downhill, just as you were there for him in his lowest points in life. Here you were, a second year in junior high school, training with him while your face was burning red. He was panting heavily with his face inches from yours.

 You were just about to fall from tripping on one of the small ice shards he had created. You had coincidentally stopped time around you two while his arm was around your upper body.

Once the realization of the situation had dawned over you, your face combusted into a deeper red causing you two both to lose balance. Your quirk had deactivated making you both fall as his grip on you loosened.

“I’m so sorry Shoto!” You quickly apologized getting up. He dusted his clothes off and stood up. “It’s fine. We both need practice with our quirks to become stronger.”

 “Promise you’ll stick with me forever. No matter what happens, we tell each other anything and everything if we want to. Best friends forever.” You firmly stated, however, your heart had somehow felt as if it had twisted when you had said the last few words.

He looked at you with a confused expression before nodding with certainty. “Sure”. With that, you unknowingly forced on a smile.

 ——–

“Gahhhh! I really envy you L/n! You still have such perfect skin and a cute babyface!” Ashido whined as you walked with her to the classroom.

“It’s just a side effect of my quirk… it happened when I was young causing me to age slower” you chuckled awkwardly, attempting to make your friends calm down.

 “Yeah but, that’s so cool, We’re gonna be grandmas while you’re gonna look like you’re 40! You look like a Junior High Schooler!” Ochako smiled. “Plus your quirk is awesome! Time manipulation!” she awed.

 “It really isn’t much of a big deal compared to you two- oh! Shoto!” You called out immediately as you saw your dual color haired friend. You ran up to his table and smiled. “Good morning.” you greeted.

 “Good morning Y/n.” He greeted in return while you took your seat beside him. “I’d like to ask you something.” He said causing you to turn your attention back to him.

 “Yeah? What’s up?” you inquired.

He looked around the classroom to see that not many people had arrived yet. It was just Uraraka, Iida, and Ashido who were all gathered in Iida’s table, possibly talking about something.

“I like someone,” he said.

You opened your mouth to reply. However, once the words had processed into your mind, you slowly pursed your lips together. You were unsure of what to say. Did you understand and hear correctly?

 “Y-you like someone?” You questioned hesitantly and he nodded and you felt your throat run dry. “I like many people as well. I mean, you like me, Midoriya, our classmates, your siblings, our teachers, of course. How would you be close to everyone if you disliked them?” You laughed, attempting to make your assumption of it to just be a misunderstanding. It couldn’t be that. Right?.

“I believe you misunderstood. I…” He paused clearing his throat. “I like someone, in a romantic sense.”

Your face paled as your eyes dilated. Was he joking? Were you dreaming? How could it be? Your mouth stayed slightly agape as you observed him. He was as stoic as ever, but he seemed to be avoiding your gaze; his cheeks were tinted with a slight, barely visible pink.

 “Who is it?” You inquired, holding onto the hope that it could be you. “If you don’t mind me asking that is.” You added with a small chuckle after.

 He looked back at you straight in the eye, causing a light blush to dust your cheeks… You always got flustered whenever you would meet the gaze of his mismatched, beautiful irises.

 “Promise you wouldn’t tell anyone.” He asserted. Back then, it would usually be you who would initiate promises, out of mere childhood spirit.

 You nodded, your anxiety growing and adrenaline levels rising. “Promise.”

 “Yaoyorozu. I like Yaoyorozu,” He stated.

 You bit your tongue to hold back from saying anything in spite. You finally managed to regain control of your composure and let out a deep breath. “Really? That’s good I guess.” You smiled. “What made you like- I mean, realize you like her?” You asked, stomach churning at your words.

 “I realized it when I began feeling differently whenever I would talk to her. I felt… calmer and happier. I began to take notice of small things she would do. I began to see her as more than a classmate, more than an acquaintance….” he said trailing off.

 “Oh I see, I guess I just misunderstood what you had said” you laughed timidly. “I.. I’m proud of you. If you want to talk about it, feel free to approach me anytime.” you grinned.

 He gave you a soft smile while nodding, “Thank you.”

 “No problem! After all, we made a promise back then that we’d tell each other everything and anything; stay together forever,” you responded.

 “Right. Thank you once again” he said.

 “You don’t need to,” you said awkwardly laughing.

 “Apologies. You’re like a younger sister to me” he said. You looked down to your hands to calm the even stronger aching in your heart. Before you could respond, you immediately spotted Yaoyorozu.

 “I’ll go to my seat. My stomach isn’t feeling well” you said, turning around to walk over to your seat. Shoto tilted his head slightly in confusion and attempted to go and question if you needed anything, however, he had quickly realized that Yaoyorozu had taken her seat. His gaze shifted slowly back and forth from her and you causing his eyebrows to furrow in confusion. ‘Is Y/n trying to help me?’

 You sat down and placed your head atop your arms on the desk. You gritted your teeth trying to soothe the heavy ache and the painful throbbing of your heart… ‘He likes her and he sees me as a little sister… It’s kind of reasonable, but, if it weren’t for my quirk’s effect, would he still see me as a little sister?’

You turned back to see both Yaoyorozu and Shoto talking. ‘It might just be a crush. Crushes are sometimes things people get over.’

You nodded, happy with your homemade resolution and looked over to see Hagakure and Tsuyu already in their seats. You figured it was best to just clear your mind and you would get over it soon.

———-

If you could have gone back in time to view yourself and your decisions, you would have scoffed.

Years had passed by, but it had felt like it had only been months. You laughed as you talked to Kirishima and Kaminari, who were making jokes about how the graduation would go. The rest of your class, 3-A; the class you had been with and gone through so much from the past three years; villain attacks, various intense training sessions, life-changing events, and personal events on friendship and love. All in your togas and graduation caps, everyone was having last minute chats before the ceremony begins. There would be no telling of who would immediately be going out in the hero field or who would decide to seek higher education, but no matter what decision each one of you would make, U.A. had prepared you all for anything that would come in the future.

You chuckled, shaking your head. “All jokes aside, let’s hope that really doesn’t happen”

 Kirishima nodded with a close lidded grin. “Gotta agree with that. We wouldn’t want a goodbye scolding from Aizawa”

 “Yeah” Kaminari shivered. “But it would’ve been pretty damn funny if it happened”

 “Don’t even think about it” You and Kirishima deadpanned in sync.

“I was kidding!” He retorted

“Yeah.. anyways, let’s enjoy this day to the fullest. After all, it might be the last day we’ll see each other almost every day” You said.

 “Hey, don’t talk as if we’re all gonna die. Some of us might go to university but many would go to hero work immediately. Maybe even at the same agencies.” Kirishima replied. “What are you doing? Starting your own agency or gonna go under another agency? Since we’re all relatively popular, we’d all be either in areas like Tokyo or Musutafu”

 “Kirishima and I are temporarily gonna be under agencies which were coincidentally close to each other. We’ll check how things go and later on start our own agencies” Kaminari explained and you hummed in understanding.

 “I see, That’s a good plan” you nodded.  

 “What about you?” Kaminari inquired.

“Oh actually-” you were about to explain until you had spotted the distinct dual colored hair. “Hold on. I wanna tell Shoto first.”

 Kirishima frowned but he raised a brow. “He still doesn’t know?”

 “For someone so smart, he’s pretty stupid” Kaminari.

 “Yeah. Though it’s partially my fault…” you trailed off.

Kirishima placed a hand on your shoulder and looked at you firmly in the eye. “Hey. Don’t look so down now. Just tell him what you gotta say” he grinned and you nodded, turning around to go to his direction.

Once you were about to go and talk to Shoto, you paused your steps. He was still talking to Midoriya. ‘It’s alright, I’ve still got the rest of the day.’ You turned your heel around and walked back to the opposite direction, to your other classmates.

 The day had passed by just as smoothly as the ceremony had thankfully gone well. Midoriya had finished his final speech as one of the representatives aside from Iida. Now Aizawa, All Might, and Principal Nezu were making final remarks. You smiled softly throughout the speeches, they were all so warm and comforting. It was all over, however it was a new beginning as well. You looked to the side and saw Shoto listening intently.

 “… and once again, Class 3-A, you are all graduated. Congratulations.” Principal Nezu finally stated as everyone clapped and cheered. Oh, how you wished things would always be like this.

———

U.A held a party after the ceremony, mainly to just celebrate and have a farewell event. You stepped into the auditorium with the toga finally off revealing the semi-formal dress you wore under.

 You scanned the room to check for anyone to go and hang out with until you felt a tap on your shoulder. Your quirked a brow up, confused to who it was before you turned around and saw Shoto standing behind you. “Oh, Shoto, hey.” you greeted.

 “Hey. I’ve been looking for you” He said.

 Your cheeks flared up slightly at his words. “Oh, really?” you inquired, replying.

He nodded. “I wasn’t able to talk to you earlier before and after the ceremony. Wanna sit down?” He motioned over to a free table and you nodded.

 You both took your seats. The room was dark however, dimmed white lights were illuminating the room, along with the colorful lights that danced around. Several students, not only your class but the rest of the third year graduated batches were as well.

 “I can’t believe we made it” you started. “Yeah. After everything we’ve all gone through, It makes me glad that everyone’s happy” Shoto replied.

 “Mhm. Everyone is just smiling and enjoying their time, despite it being one of the last times we’re gonna see each other for a long time” You spoke, smiling softly yourself as you rested your cheeks in your palms..

“Right. Speaking of that, have you decided what you’re doing?” he questioned causing your eyes to brighten.

“Yeah. I wanted you to be the first to know since you’re my closest friend. The pro hero I did my work studies with this year offered to help me build my own agency” you happily said.

 His eyes widened before his features softened into a smile. “That’s great. Here in Musutafu as well?” he inquired causing you to purse your lips and shake your head.

 “Unlike your agency, here in Musutafu, I’m going to be all the way in Nagasaki,” you said, averting your gaze. “I know I won’t be as close to you and everyone and it seems like I’m being selfish but…” you trailed off, unsure and unable to even say anything.

“It’s alright,” he said. “You chose that because you want to be a hero for not only people in the main cities but in areas in the south and others” he stated. “That’s being more selfless rather than selfish,” he stated. You felt your heart skip a beat as you clenched onto the hem of your dress tightly. You smiled under your pursed lips. His words always cleared your mind and reassured you. 

You nodded and looked up to face him. Your eyes met his. It felt as if time stopped, and that was not because of your quirk. You felt your cheeks heat up even more. No, you couldn’t bear to continue like this especially when he has someone he loves. You abruptly stood up with your palms on the table and turned around. “Sorry, and thank you.  I’ll get a drink and tell everyone else before I leave tomorrow.” you excused yourself and made your way outside the auditorium to the restrooms. 

You turned the sink on and filled your hands with water then splashed it on your face. You grabbed a piece of tissue and wiped your face. Thankfully, you weren’t wearing much makeup. You looked at the mirror to see the blush fading away. You let out a groan and covered your face once again. He managed to make your heart ache, in the way that you yearned to be with him and have that immense joy whenever you were in his presence.

 You looked at your face in the mirror with a smile and furrowed brows. Starting tomorrow, you promised yourself to do your best as a hero.

——-

You adjusted to Nagasaki fairly well. It had been more or less 5 months, however, you didn’t keep track of time nor did you have much free time. You dealt with villain groups in the area, helped with rescue missions, and had just finally finished a mission regarding a black market within the villain society you had been working on ever since the start of your career, which had been the sole reason why you barely had free time.

You hung your trench coat on the coat hanger behind your office door and took a seat at your desk. You scanned through papers and files, quickly taking notice of a creme white envelope embroidered with rose gold on the sides. You tore off the seal and brought the paper inside out.

—

‘Dear Y/n,

 It has been so long since we have seen you. We understand that it is due to your hero work in Nagasaki and we’ve heard so much about it. You’re doing so well and we’re extremely happy for you. It has been so long since we’ve caught up and we understand you’re a busy person but we have wonderful news: We’re getting married. We hope you can make time to come, it will be in 4 months. You’ve made such an impact on both of our lives that we truly believe you need to be in one of the biggest times of our lives.

 Best wishes, Shoto and Momo’

—

As soon as you finished scanning the letter your heart felt as if it had stopped beating. You shook your head with your mouth agape. What was going on? It had only been 5 months since everyone had separated and graduated. Wasn’t it too early?

Your mind was filled with questions but you quickly shuffled the table making various items on the desk fall off, for your phone. You quickly scroll through your contacts and clicked on Shoto’s name.

You abruptly stood up with your phone connected to your ear and your other hand grasping onto your hair. You bit your lower lip while walking back and forth across the room, anticipating him to answer.

 “Come on, pick up, pick up. Pick-”

 “Hello?” A deep voice had responded from the other line. “Shoto!” you yelled out of relief, your chest tightened as your heart began to race faster.

 “Oh, Y/n? Hi. Are you alright? Is everything fine? You sound troubled” He replied with a worried tone.

“I’m…” you struggled to even reply. You were clearly at a disheveled state due to a reason you should be ashamed of however you chose not to say why. You breathed out deeply, “yeah I’m fine. Just tired. I received your letter”

“You have? I was planning on telling you in person. However, when I came, they said you were out” He said.

“I know. Sorry about that. So…. you and Momo are getting married?” you inquired painfully. “Yeah. I proposed a month ago.” He smiled.

“C-congratulations” You stammered. “But, isn’t it too early?” you laughed awkwardly.

“We’ve been together for almost 8 years and live together so I guess not?” He replied, confused.

“What?!” You yelled. “8 years?! It’s only been 5 months since graduation” you quickly stated.

“No,” Shoto said, confused. “It’s 20XX. It’s more or less half a decade since we graduated from U.A”

“Impossible…” You breathed out. “I-it can’t be! I mean-”

“Are you alright? Do you want me to come over?-” He questioned. “No! I’m sorry… I think I’ve been careless about the dates and I’m just tired… I’ll come to the wedding. I just need to rest for now” you sighed, tears already pricking the rims of your eyes.

“Right. Thank you, I’ll be sure to inform Momo. Get some rest and send me a text when you feel better. Bye”

“Bye” you managed to whisper before ending the call. Your hand trembled as you placed your phone on your desk. Soon after that, you slumped over to the wall and fell to the ground.

You felt sick, disgusted at yourself. You were so ignorant and busy. Part of you wanted to strangle yourself for being immensely ignorant of how time passed. However, the reason why you were being ignorant was that you carried the burden and wanted to save people’s lives. That part of you felt as if your ignorance was in the way of your love and chance to impress Shoto and possibly win him back. You were disgusted at that part of yourself. How could you ever wish that?

 Tears continuously streamed down your face as you purse your lips, biting back a wail. You continued to silently cry at the corner of your office for a while longer. You needed to vent out your emotions to properly think straight.

 Finally, you stood back up and wiped your tear stained face. You looked at yourself in the mirror. Your eyes were glossy and red. Sighing, you walked back to your desk and pressed the button to communicate with your assistant.

“Hello?” You called out with your voice strained. “I’d like to clear my schedule for next week Saturday and the 2nd week of 4 months later,” you said then removed your finger from the button. As soon as you had done that, you placed your head over your arms above the desk. ‘I’ll keep my word and be there. I have to’

——-

4 months had quickly passed by; those words were to be taken literally in your case.

You leaned against the wall as you watched Ochako and Mina fuss over Momo’s hair. You would’ve been doing the same; would’ve been helping her out, would’ve been panicking about the rush of time, and would’ve been happy for her.

“Y/n!” Hagakure called your name causing you to perk up. “Yeah?” you inquired and walked over to them.

 Mina immediately pouted and fixed your hair. “Quit leaning against the wall. Your hair’s getting ruined and your gown’s wrinkling”

 “Oh right.. Sorry” you apologized and decided to help out by getting a few bobby pins and cleaning a few strands of Momo’s hair out of the way. The ravenette frowned. “Are you alright Y/n? You look troubled. Shoto’s been worried and said you hadn’t been feeling well the past months”

 Your heart had suddenly began to flutter; hearing that he was worried and actually cared made you feel hopeful, just for a while, until you quickly reminded yourself about the event you were currently at. “I’m fine. I’m just really proud of you and Shoto”

 She turned to you and smiled. Oh how you wished you weren’t envious of that smile, the smile Shoto fell in love with, “Thanks”. For now, you decided to genuinely attempt to truly be happy for them, for both her smile and his to last forever.

 You suddenly flinched. “Momo! Your hair!” you yelled, causing her to immediately turn back to face the mirror. “Sorry, go on”

 You nodded and continued with her hair along with the rest of the girls.

——-

You failed to do what you had thought of just earlier in the dressing room. Throughout the entire ceremony, your heart clenched and twisted as it did before. Envy engulfed you while they said their vows; while the vows were being exchanged, you were forced to bite back a cry.

 You knew you couldn’t take it anymore, the first few hours of the party were spent alone until you finally decided to step outside.

 The party was being held at a high starred hotel by what you had presumed to form the appearance of the venue. You leaned against the railing and let a deep breath out.

 “You alright?”

 You nearly jumped at hearing a new voice. You turned around and almost froze. You turned back around and nodded. “Perfectly fine”

He walked forward next to you and did the same, leaning on the rail. “Shouldn’t you be inside… Y’know, enjoying your wedding” you spoke up, causing him to shrug.

“I am, though I saw you were alone and walked out here,” Shoto said.

“I’m fine, go back inside to Momo” you replied, brushing him off.

“Y/n” he called you out making you stiffen. “I’ve known you for almost 2 decades and I’m pretty sure I know when you’re lying.”

“Touche” you chuckled. “Things have just been hectic lately, in work-”

“Right, you were able to put an end to underground villain organizations” He replied, cutting you off and you nodded. “I guess news gets around fast”

“It does. Anyways, apologies for cutting you off. Go on” He replied.

You nodded, “Right. And personal problems”

“Such as?” he inquired making you pause. “It’s a secret” you replied.

“I don’t want to be insensitive but, we made a promise that we’ll tell each other everything” Shoto frowned. Your eyes widened at his statement, later on, your features softened finally processing his words.

“True, but I guess I’m just still unsure about it” you covered as he hummed in understanding. “It’s fine. Just tell me anything you want to and can” he stated.

“Thanks, Sho” you sighed. Silence took over as soon as you uttered those words. It was a comforting silence, that made you reminisce about the past and how simple things were, how calm and silent they were.

You decided to speak up, feeling guilty. “Time has passed by so fast.” you began, causing him to perk up and listen intently. “Honestly, I kept adding onto my own work for the wrong causes. Now that I realize it, I feel horrible, disgusted at myself. It’s been so stressful and mind breaking that I forgot about why I even became a hero… I was so congested in it that I forgot to even take time off to the point I forgot to even keep track of time” you explained.

“I believe you’re a good hero. A good person, with a good heart” he responded, making you smile. After the longest time, you had met his eyes, not in longing and pain, but in genuine, true happiness.

Out of spite, you tipped up your toes and brushed your lips against his cheek before going back down. You both met eyes once again until your action had processed in your mind, making you turn back to the door of the hotel.

“Sorry, I just felt like doing that. Y-you know, like how your mom and sister do… since I’m like your little sister as you had said years ago” You explained out of the whim. He nodded and gave a soft smile “It’s fine. Now let’s go back inside to everyone” he said and you and he did so.

Shame filled you immensely just as guilt washed over you. You knew you shouldn’t have done what you had just done. Peter Pan had given Wendy a hidden kiss that he shouldn’t have.

———–

It took you awhile to get over it. You finally managed to gather your strength, courage, and composure to just move on, as hard as it seemed.

You opened your phone with a smile to finally text Shoto. You looked up at the penthouse and rung the doorbell.

Instead of either Shoto or Momo, whom you had expected to be the ones to answer to door, a young girl had run out. “Auntie Y/n!” A little girl with raven hair and heterochromic irises ran towards you and tackled you into a hug. You laughed and hugged her in return.

“I missed you so much” the little girl grinned, pulling away. You smiled at her and nodded. “I did too, Shiro”

You both finally got up and nodded at each other. You both performed a series of hand clasps and claps before grinning at one another.

You both immediately heard a stern clearing of a throat, causing you and the little girl to turn to where the sound had come from, clearly knowing who it was.

“I see you still have the audacity to do a handshake with my own daughter after only texting me just now that you’re staying in Musutafu for 16 days” Shoto crossed his arms with a frown.

You chuckled and got back up, “Well, what’s the point of a surprise if you know?” You teased, making him playfully hit you.

“Come in. Momo immediately started cooking just seconds ago when I got your text” he rolled his eyes, opening the door to let you in.

You followed in after Shiro then removed your shoes. “The house still hasn’t changed much huh?” you smiled.

“Not at all,” He said while walking in. You entered the living room, connected to the kitchen. “Hey L/n, I’m getting some Sukiyaki done, please wait for a while” Yaoyorozu perked up from the kitchen then stepped back in to tend to the food. “It’ alright really. I’m just visiting” you said.

“If you were, you should have warned us ahead of time” Shoto frowned making you roll your eyes. “Well, If I’m going to be honest, this trip really was last minute” you replied. Shoto raised a brow, intrigued by your reply. “How so?”

“Hero work” you replied.

Shoto gave you a deadpanned look. “How am I not surprised. For what exactly?” he inquired further.

“They’re working on a case regarding a villain like black market here in Musutafu. Since I handled it well back in Nagasaki, they decided to call me up for backup”

“I see. I remember Midoriya informed me that he was working on that case as well” he stated and you nodded.

“I’m actually staying at Ochako’s place since she lives close to various agencies”

“You could’ve stayed with us” Shiro interjected with a pout.

You laughed and ruffled her hair. “I would but I’m pretty sure if I surprised your dad with the fact I’m staying over, he’d be even madder”

“I’m not mad” Shoto replied, rolling his eyes making you and Shiro burst into a fit of giggles.

“The Sukiyaki’s done! Please come over” Yaoyorozu called over while popping up from behind the wall. You three got up and walked over to the dinner table. You used the ladle to get a bowl for yourself then saw Shiro’s mouth watering from the scent of the soup. You used the ladle to get another serving and poured it on the young girl’s bowl.

You took a sip and savored the flavor before turning to Yaoyorozu. “This is great Momo. You really didn’t have to”

She shook her head, “it’s fine. You’re our guest and it is almost lunchtime after all” she explained, you nodded as thanks then continued eating.

“So are you here for vacation?” Yaoyorozu questioned but Shoto replied for you.

“She’s working on the case Midoriya is doing,” he replied.

Before you could interject, Shiro spoke up. “Daddy, you’re just mad at Auntie Y/n because she’s prettier than you”

You were tempted to choke at your soup but ended up laughing softly. Shoto’s brows furrowed. “I’m not mad about that, I’m not even mad. I just-”

“You are. You’re mad that she’s prettier than you. But you’re pretty too”

“I said I-” Shoto was about to retort back but you decided to intervene.

“Shiro, Your dad’s right. He’s not mad…” you trailed off as a smirk crawled up to your face. “He’s upset”

The young girl beamed and nodded repeatedly making you and Yaoyorozu chuckle while Shoto had given up.

“If you’re so pretty Auntie, then why aren’t you married?” She innocently inquired. You weren’t sure how to answer. You glanced slowly at Shoto who was also anticipating an answer.

“You really are cheeky and talkative huh? You better start eating before I get your Sukiyaki” You jokingly threatened to cause her face to pale and immediately, she began to eat more.

After lunch, you offered to wash the dishes along with Shoto as Yaoyorozu fixed the table and gone to do some urgent paperwork for her agency.

“So what wrong? About what Shiro said earlier at the table, don’t you want to be in a relationship? You used to babble about it a lot before” he spoke up.

“You really do have this hidden telepathic quirk huh?” you said while scrubbing the plate.

“Of course, I’ve known you for decades” he rolled his eyes.

“To me, it seemed like only a few years…” you replied lowly. “That’s the reason. I’m afraid of initiating because if I’m going to live 2 times longer than my significant other, It would hurt even more to lose them and live on. I’ve seen people envy me for my youth but really, I envy everyone else” you paused. “It’s like Peter Pan remember? He had to see everyone grow up, live, forget, and pass away. I’m afraid of that. Plus people won’t even take me seriously” you finished.

“I see,” he said. “Well, no one’s gonna pressure you to get into a relationship any time soon. What matters is if you’re happy”

Your mind processed his words several times and they repeated; every syllable echoing. You forced on a smile, questioning to yourself if you could still be happy knowing that he couldn’t love you and that one day, You’ll have to face the harsh reality of your words that were previously uttered.

———–

As per usual, time had passed by quickly that it had become an inside joke every time a big event would occur or if you remembered that either 5 or ten years had passed by. You witnessed many blissful: birthdays, weddings, celebrations, and mournful circumstances, such as one you were currently at.

You looked around the people around, several were familiar faces, however, they were all upset. Everyone was in black and either busy mourning or talking to each other.

You stared at the coffin with a blank expression; eyes sore and red while your face was pale. Your body was weak and frail despite you only looking like a middle-aged woman.

Gripping onto the stem of the bouquet, you bit back tears from streaming down your face. Your legs were probably going to give up on you if you wouldn’t take a seat any time soon. You let out a deep sigh as you turned around to look for a vacant seat. As you did, your eyes drifted off at the press who were outside, thankfully being kept out by security. They were all shamelessly trying to get a story of how the great Pro Hero, Shoto, had passed away, audaciously begging for details. You finally took a seat and continued stirring into a daze while your eyes were fixated at a framed photograph on the table beside the coffin.

You suddenly snapped out of your daze from a tap on your shoulder. You looked at the woman with raven hair and mismatched hues behind you, who looked no more than a few years younger than you. “Aunt Y/n, my husband and I are going to leave. The kids would get out of school anytime soon” she said as you nodded.

“It’s alright. I’m not your mother,” you replied.

“You were always like one to me” she frowned. “Dad wouldn’t want you being like this. You’ve been like this at other funerals already. It’s not bad but you shouldn’t blame yourself for what happened. He passed away peacefully at an old age.” Shiro stated, to comfort you even though she was just as grief struck.

You gave her a soft smile. “Thank you. Go on, your husband is waiting. I’ll stay here for a while” She nodded and left.

The words you had previously uttered were an understatement. You had stayed there for more than several hours, people had already left and the moon was up. You decided to stand up and bid a final farewell.

You smiled, placing the bouquet down beside the gravestone.

“Promise that I’ll see you in Neverland”

[hitchell-mope]

(First film. Auradon prep library. 11:00 at night)

Evie: need some help?

Ben: yes please

(She uses magic to get Ben and the four books he’s got under his arms down from the ladder)

Ben: thank you.

Evie: anytime. Now. These are the ones you think can help

Ben: the ones I’ve read. Magic lore of the past century. Four volumes. 25 years each.

Evie: this could work. Still can’t believe fairy godmother let use the magic section. Thought it was off limits.

Ben (not entirely paying attention): it is.

Evie: Benjamin you shady little bastard

Ben (now kind of flat ignoring her): yes I thought so

(Evie looks momentarily annoyed. But then she sees he’s staring at jay)

Evie: you will not get far with jay

Ben: hm?

Evie: well. You don’t have freckles. You’re hair’s not curly. And you weren’t effectively raised by Mal from the age of six. Sorry. (Now fully entering the role of sibling). Now Mal on the other hand. I think she would love to date you.

Ben: I couldn’t. It wouldn’t be fair. I don’t even know if

Evie: she does. Trust me. She does.

Ben: ok.

Evie: does anyone else know or...

Ben: no. Just Doug Lonnie and Jane. Please don’t tell anyone else. Please. Especially my parents

Evie: hey hey. I won’t tell. I promise. I won’t tell

Ben: thank you

——————————————————————————————

Doug (sitting down next to Mal): hey.

Mal: hey bud. Sorry about the rat man

Doug: eh. It’s ok. I’m used to it

Mal: if it helps I’m rooting for ya

Doug: not really cause Evie’s made up her mind.

Mal: yeah well she’s wrong. You’re much better than that fake ass bastard. Soon she’ll see. She will see

Doug: you kinda sound like a super villain at the start of his origin story

Mal: I’m not super Doug my friend. Just a villain.

Doug: you know he likes you right

Mal: huh?

Doug: my best friend.

Mal: ah...yeah

Doug: and?

Mal: I like him too.

Doug: but

Mal: he’s him. I’m. Me

Doug: if it helps I’m rooting for ya

Mal (chuckling): it does actually

——————————————————————————————

Lonnie: whatcha drawing

Carlos: Jay

Lonnie: ahhh. May I?

Carlos: yeah sure

Lonnie: wow that’s really good

Carlos: I learned at Mal’s knee

Lonnie: cool.

Carlos: you’re scared of me aren’t you?

Lonnie: no. No. Yes. Yes. A little

Carlos: eh I don’t blame you. I grew up being protected by a dark fairy and a genie. So people know not to mess with me

Lonnie: ah. Question

Carlos: yeah?

Lonnie (pointing Mal then Evie): what’s their damage? They say their friends but they don’t act like it. What happened?

Carlos: I happened

Lonnie: heh?

Carlos: long story involving a heart rip, shrimp, Evie saving my life and Mal punting her into the barrier when they were thirteen

Lonnie: wow. That um

Carlos: sounds absolutely cockamamie and insane

Lonnie: yah

Carlos: buuuut every word of it is true

Lonnie: and you’re

Carlos: family. Mal’s essentially my mother. And Evie’s the sister she wants to throw in a sack and dump in a river. But she keeps her around cause otherwise I’d be upset. They don’t think I know but I do.

Lonnie: and you don’t blame Evie?

Carlos (scoffing): god no. You try denying your parents when they can control you through your literal heart. I don’t blame Evie. But Mal does. And that’s something she’s gotta work through herself

——————————————————————————————

Jay (plopping down next to Jane): god I hate reading. Do you hate reading?

Jane (looking terrified): uuuuhhhhmmmm....

Jay: wow. You really are scared of us aren’t you?

Jane (tiny little voice): yes

Jay: why?

Jane: because you’re

Jay: vks?

(She nods shamefully)

Jay: ohhhh. You don’t have to be.

Jane: I know. But

Jay: it’s difficult to look past the stories. You think I’m gonna turn into a snake and trap you in an hourglass.

Jane: well I do now!

Jay: I won’t though. Even though it would be really, incredibly, ridiculously easy. Just a snap of my fingers to be honest and the venomous fangs come out to play full force

(He hisses. Jane squeaks in terror. And Jay let’s out an enormous belly laugh)

Jay (still laughing): oh I’m sorry. Ahem. I’m sorry.

Jane: that was mean

Jay (feeling a little guilty): I know

Jane: could you teach me magic?

Jay (cracking his 1000 watt smile): certainly

——————————————————————————————

(Midnight. They’re all packing to go back to their dorms)

Carlos (feeling tired and whiny): jaaaaaaaaaay?

Jay: yeah?

Carlos (throwing his arms up): carry me?

Jay: do you even have to ask?

(He hoists Carlos up in his arms, Carlos buries his head in jay’s neck and they leave)

Lonnie: how long have they been together

Evie: oh they’re not

Mal: not yet anyway

Lonnie: why?

Evie: Carlos is waiting for jay to make the first move

Mal: and Jay is completely oblivious

Lonnie (looking at Jane): oh I’ve been there.

Doug: night guys

Mal and Lonnie: night bud

Evie (purposefully ignoring him): yeah night

(Doug leaves but not before he looks longingly at Evie)

Lonnie: hey uh Evie can I talk to you?

Evie: sure

Lonnie: So you and Chad

Evie (smiling happily): I know. He’s so handsome. And funny. And

Lonnie: a user. And a cad. And a cheater

Evie (smile faltering): what?

Lonnie: chad. he cheats on his girlfriends. Then moves on when he gets bored or they find out. He’s ghosted at leat two we know about. He may have “Charming” as a last name but that’s it essentially

Evie: oh my god. I don’t believe it.

Lonnie: I’m sorry

Evie: I don’t believe that Doug put you up to this

Lonnie: what? No! Nononononononononono! He didn’t

Evie (venomously): Chad is a prince. I am a princess no matter what that taffeta wearing pink bitch says! I deserve this

Lonnie: you don’t deserve someone who won’t treat you right

Evie (voice breaking): if not him then who

Lonnie: literally any other boy

Evie: it has to be a prince. It HAS to be. Anything else is not an option. It has to be him

Lonnie (“mom” mode activated): no. It doesn’t. Oh honey

(She goes to hug her but Evie rebukes her)

Evie (absolutely incensed): you don’t know me. You have NO IDEA WHATS GOING ON IN MY HEAD! I need this. I have no choice I need this. And I’m not going to let you or anybody else take it from me. So keep your pathetic after school special bullshit to yourself and don’t you DARE interre with my love life

(She poofs away in sapphire blue smoke)

Lonnie: I. I’m sorry

Mal: I’m not. She needed to hear it. He’s a dick. Doug isn’t. She should pick Doug

Jane: why?

Mal: because Doug’s my friend. And if she’s with him. Then I don’t have to deal with her

Lonnie: I knew your reason would be altruistic

Mal: ohhhh I’ve never been one for altruism. Back home it’s eat or be eaten sometimes literally

Lonnie: hey funny question. Has Evie ever...

Mal: been interested in girls? Don’t make me cackle kid. Quinlan tried to get her to join her gang sometime last year. But queenie caught wind of it and this is Sparta’d the poor girl. (Fake simpering voice) a prince is only good enough you see

Lonnie: poor girl

Mal: then Antony came along. But Grayson Clayton caught his eye and they joined together. Evie still doesn’t know.

Ben: I’m sorry. That you had to live like that

Lonnie and Jane: I’m sorry too

Mal (smiling in spite of herself): well. My friends and I are here now. And if the plan works. Then me and Jay never have to constantly look over our shoulders to protect Carlos again. I know he knows by the way

Lonnie (aghast): I’m sorry. I swear I tried to

Mal: honey. Relax. I can read minds. Part of my magic. By the way. The compliments very much appreciated but I don’t deserve it Lonnie. The only thing I know of that can repel my magic is iron Jane. And Ben. Think of the arctic. That should help

(Jane looks like she wants the ground to swallow her up. Ben looks guilty. Lonnie looks curious)

Mal: it’s easier to use telepathy here then back home. Nobody’s on constant guard here

Lonnie: the island sounds awful

Ben: QUEEN OF HEARTS!

Jane: huh?

Ben: I uh. I made a notary list. Keeps track of all the children on the isle of the lost

Mal (cocking an eyebrow): impressive. But there’s no use in fetching Quinlan. Once you get sent to Bald Mountain you never return

(An awkward silence follows until Jane looks at the clock and squeals)

Jane: half past pumpkin time!

(She leaves hurriedly)

Mal: pumpkin time

Ben: curfew. Jane’s gotta be back at fairy godmothers suite by midnight

Mal: what’s a curfew?

Ben: oh um. Uh. It’s the time when you have to be in. If not

Lonnie: you get your phone taken away for a couple of days

Mal: what about you guys

Ben: we all have them. Ours were extended for today

Lonnie: it only takes ten minutes to walk back to my room. Hopefully sleeping bitchy’s out cold

Ben: that’s not very nice Lon

Lonnie: you know she’s your ex now. You can badmouth her if you want

Ben: only if I were the dumpee. I’m not. She is. So she can say whatever she wants about me.

Lonnie (not at all buying it): well. Alright. G’night

Ben and Mal: night

(Lonnie leaves)

Mal: and then there were two

Ben: yeah. Heh heh. I liked today

Mal: I liked today as well. Ah

Ben: yes?

Mal: your bloods black. You look like you got attacked by a doctor who monster

Ben (overjoyed): you watch Doctor Who?

Mal: black blood

Ben: right uhhhh. Oh yeah! I chew pens. The ink cartridge must’ve burst and leaked. Can’t believe I didn’t notice it.

Mal: it looks lit it dried about an hour ago. What were you doing then?

Ben: uhhhh (flashback to 11:32 pm when he was chewing on his pen and tuning out Evie waxing poetic about chad in favour of watching Mal talk with Doug). I...don’t...remember

Mal (reading his mind but deciding not to embarrass him): ok. (She takes out a handkerchief) there you go (She starts wiping at the corners of Ben’s mouth. Then pulls away abruptly) here (She hands him the handkerchief and gets up)

Ben: thank you (he finishes cleaning his mouth). Are you ok?

Mal: yea ahem yeah. Always. No. Actually. I’m not.

Ben: why?

Mal: I really don’t wanna say

Ben (realising): oh. Oh god. I’m so sorry. If I’ve ever made you feel uncomfortable I wasn’t my intention

Mal (going up to him and hold his face in her hands): Ben. Listen to me. You did nothing wrong. It’s me. You can safely assume that whenever I’m gloomy. It’s my fault

Ben: why are you gloomy

Mal: because I want something that’s contraband. To me specifically

Ben: not everything’s off limits.

Mal: I’m not here to have fun. Or be happy. I have to. You know what I have to do. And you being here all...we can’t. No matter how much either of us want to.

Ben: ok.

Mal: I’m sorry. But. It’s not your fault. Just remember that it’s never your fault

Ben: but it’s not yours either. There’s nothing wrong with wanting something for yourself. You are allowed that.

Mal: I’m not. That’s just the thing. I’m not allowed anything. That could interfere with her... (practically spitting) plans

Ben: oh.

Mal: you know what I think of you. You know how much I. You know. And that’s all it can be

(This is when “Rewrite the stars” happens)

[therandomfics]

DISTANCE: 2

“Sonny, please don’t go.” Begging, though not your style or expertise, was something you were willing to do when it came to the only one you loved. 

His sigh and slumping shoulders gave away his guilt. Of course he didn’t want to leave, but if he wanted to make sure he took care of loose ends, he couldn’t be with you until it was over. “I have to, Y/N. I should have never came back in the first place. I put you in danger and if anything happens to you I’m not gonna forgive myself.” 

Beneath the warmth of your sweater, your stomach was doing somersaults. One second you were hopeful, the next you were disgusted. Why must things be like they are? You chose to stay silent, knowing that pleading would only make him feel more guilty, and you didn’t want to hurt him. 

“It wouldn’t be an issue if I hadn’t been out of that house for nearly five days once you got that call. That’s the problem. I didn’t have your number saved in the burner, I never called you while I was under. It was a risk I didn’t wanna take and yet somehow my best laid plans got shit on.” He was packing a few of his more casual clothing items to leave, having deposited his old bag by the laundry closet on his way in. 

You wanted to tell him that whoever it was knew your name, but again with the desire to keep him more calm, you chose not to say anything. Instead, you sat on the edge of the bed and watched him pack. He was moving slowly, as if he wanted to take his time and be near you - but, you both knew time was almost up. 

“Let me make this right, and I’ll be back,” he insisted, leaning down to kiss you goodbye. You held him tight for a moment longer and then let him go, nodding and fighting back tears. It was never easy to watch him go, but if it were easy, there’d be no point in staying. 

It had been two months since you’d seen Sonny. The same disgusting feelings of wondering why you stuck around continued to float through your head, and after the first few weeks, you started to welcome them. Misery loved company, and you had become so very miserable. While you knew Sonny was working, it was hard for you to understand why he accepted the UC position, anyway. It was so dangerous, and while he was great undercover, you wished he had less talent when it came to being multiple people. 

From your tidbits of updates through SVU, you already knew Sonny was working to get close to someone who they suspected of serial rape throughout NYC, and perhaps even down into New Jersey and Delaware. What bothered you most is that someone from the house they were staying in had called you and knew you by name, and now your better half was missing. Benson couldn’t give anymore information than she already had, and it didn’t seem like anyone else was willing to fork over any input, either. 

It was better to try to live your normal life, though, even if it wasn’t easy. You worked during the week as a Instructional Assistant at a local Elementary school. On the weekends, you worked on grading the most difficult 4th grade spelling tests you’d ever seen. That was a benefit - being an IA meant you had all eight of the classes as yours, so you stayed busy. When you weren’t nose deep in gel pens and eraser marks, you volunteered at a soup kitchen, though sometimes you stayed home and sulked. Sulking was your favorite. 

“What’s on the menu today?” a grainy voice asked on the other side of the partition. 

“Good afternoon, Louie. Looks like we have spaghetti tonight, or broccoli cheddar soup. Pick your poison,” you replied with a soft smile. The interaction was nice, but sometimes exhausting, especially when you didn’t feel like pleasantries. 

“Soup,” he replied, taking the bowl from you and moving on down the line. “Thanks.” 

You  murmured a ‘welcome’ and kept it going, serving the next thirty or so guests before everything was gone and it was your time to leave. Volunteering was pretty nice, and you wondered why you hadn’t done it earlier. You had been preoccupied with spending all of your time with Sonny that it was strange but fulfilling to do something for another person. 

“I’ll see you guys next weekend. Thanks, again,” you called out as you left the building. It was dark and brisk, your kind of weather, as you stepped out onto the street. The only concern you ever had was that you weren’t in the best neighborhood when you did your volunteering, and it was always dark when you left. The walk to the subway only took about five minutes, though, and you usually hyped yourself up enough to make the trip in 3 minutes. 

On the platform, you waited for the next train. Five minutes, hopefully less depending on traffic and whether or not people actually got off when they were supposed to, instead of lingering in the doorway so the conductor had to wait. A couple some twenty feet down from you caught your attention, giggling and twirling one another around. It must be nice. Seeing them out of the corner of your eye really made you miss him, but it simply was what it was, nothing could change that anytime soon. 

The woman, in mid spin, lost her hat and watched as it fluttered to your feet. You bent down and scooped it up, meeting her halfway on the platform. 

You offered her hat with an outstretched arm. “Here you go.” 

“Thank you,” she replied, thick New York accent filling your head. She turned and walked back to her lover, falling into his arms again. You couldn’t help but to be jealous, and look on in spite. He kissed her gently, beaming at her when he pulled away. 

The noise that left your throat wasn’t human, but it was loud enough to catch the attention of the couple. You recognized his face. No, in fact, you knew it too well. Sonny, your boyfriend, your undercover detective significant other, was entangled with another woman in front of you. 

Lucky for you, the train came only a moment later, and you hurried aboard stood with your back to them. They boarded as well, at the end of the car, leaving you unable to react to what you had seen. Sure, he was undercover, and you knew that, but did he have to act like he was so happy? Had he ever looked at you like that? Questionable. And, if he was so happy, was he really undercover? Maybe it was all a ruse. You glanced down at them, noting that he was staring at you over the shoulder of the woman he was with. You averted your gaze to the floor and glared, wondering what her name was? Probably something cheap like Candy. Why did you hate her? You didn’t even know her, and plus it was Sonny you should be angry with. You thought he was going back to tie up loose ends, not tie up something loose. 

Your stop finally arrived and you quickly left the subway station, nearly running up the steps to get to the street as you fumbled for your phone. 

“Hello?” 

“Amanda, it’s Y/N.” 

“Hey, what’s going on? I haven’t heard from you in a while.” 

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m worried about Sonny. I haven’t heard from him since he left and I didn’t think he’d be gone this long.” 

She sighed, whether in frustration or sadness, you didn’t know. “He’s alright. I talked to him today. He’s working on something bigger now, trying to prove himself to the ring leader of that sick organization so that they’ll trust him. I know this is hard, Y/N, but you’ve gotta trust him, okay?” 

“Why would you say that? That I need to trust him?” 

“I-I don’t know, really, it just seemed like something you’d need to hear, that’s all.” 

“Why isn’t he able to contact me?” 

“He doesn’t want to risk people finding out who you are.” 

“But doesn’t it look suspicious that he’s calling you, and you’re an NYPD Detective?” you countered, getting on the elevator of your building. “Or is this really just keep Y/N in the dark and hope she’s too dumb to ask questions?” 

“Hey, no, you know it’s not like that at all.” In the background, you heard crying. “Look, Y/N, I’m sorry. I am. I can’t explain anything, but Jessie’s losing her mind and I’ve gotta go, I’m sorry.” 

Alright, if that’s how everyone wants to act, then fuck them, you thought to yourself, dropping your bag on the counter when you got inside. If that’s how everyone wanted to treat you, to keep you in the dark and avoid the truth, you’d be a willing participant. You walked into your bedroom and pulled out your suitcase, the one you’d moved away to college with, got your first apartment with, and most importantly, the one you’d used to move into the apartment with Sonny. With a huff, you tossed the suitcase on the bed and unzipped it, beginning to fill it with as much of your clothing as you could muster. 

Now it was time for someone else to be in the dark. 

[cow5secondchance]

Episode 4 - Honestly I’m a Vindictive Person - Blake

Format: The Penthouse

Eliminated: Mario & Jennet (4-4-4 // 4-4-1)

WILLIAM

NICOLE

These little weirdos don’t know what they’ve just done! Lit a fire under my ASS. I’m so sick of feeling down in this game like every week is something else that I get dragged into and then the one week I’m planning nothing, thinking everything is going smoothly and my number 1 ally goes home after literally being pummeled the whole game. I’m so damn annoyed. I want the switch, I want top of the penthouse or whatever they call it. I want power so I can feel like I can shake things up!!!! 

CAPTAIN

hello everyone i forgot to update yall since the second week so here we go! so we pulled off the plan to evict wyatt and i was so scared that they were going to pick me but i guessed they still love me and that makes me feel bad but urgh.. i just hope they could be able to come back </3 now we're moving to the daisy chain round in which isaac ruined everything after he saved nicole when he should save mario so thats a red flag. anyways, i came up with the plan to save everyone from the greenhouse and pretty people wink wink and i did that so congrats me. anyways, isaac put mario up and i was like maam not mario. no one talked to me about the votes. the alliance with blake, jennet, autumn, nicole, isaac and jarod? i think was made and now blake is upset with me for not telling him everything when i didn't talk about anyone in this vote and i just voted out isaac because i couldn't vote out mario? so white man.... urgh 

these white ppl are freaking out too much

XAVIER

I want to end up in the Penthouse. Put Kaleigh last, so she gets eliminated, as I don't think her Defender will save her. And then the 4 options left, the 6 who voted together now will just have to vote together again. I want those who are really playing to stay longer, even if they are threats to me. It's just more fun. So none of those just popping up to vote :) All plans though. Might delete later haha.

JAROD

NYX

So this week went the way I wanted it to but not without a bunch of complications. So the daisy chain went pretty well I mean we controlled it from beginning to end and I think that we made it obvious enough to where the greenhouse people weren't seen as an immediate target. Then isaac and kaleigh ended up being up for banishment and I was really happy since kaleigh i don't talk to as much and i just voted isaac as well as him being way too chaotic for my liking. When Kaleigh won the uproot though that's when i got nervous because that meant there was gonna be a replacement and of course with my luck it was mario. Now this round changed my outlook on a lot of things because when i was campaigning for mario mario didn't do anything. He wasn't talking to people, he wasn't making bonds, and it's so fucking hard to save someone who won't save themself. There's also the fact that all of sequester voted the exact same way to save isaac which is also suspicious. Granted we in the greenhouse did as well. So this makes me realize that probably sometime soon, i'm gonna have to renege on the greenhouse four because mario clearly isn't gonna help my game much when it's my ass and were gonna be such an obvious target moving forward. Since the vote was 6-4 besides sequester and GH i don't think there's any clear alliances made so depending on who wins power this round i'm gonna have to make the move. the question right now is just how?

I put a lot of effort into winning that penthouse comp so it sucks that I didn't win BUT. If there was anything i trust to put my faith in it's definitely william since we just pulled a big move together so ik he'll at least have my back. I think i have a good chance of surviving this round but i guess we'll see

XAVIER

I AM SO BAD AT CHALLENGES. I reviewed the videos and all the details. But got bogged down with reading Wyatt's question - not the color of the shirt Wyatt is wearing! And just counted the painted art of Jennet, not the total. OH WELL. I have a pretty good relationship with William. I don't think I'll be in the bottom 5. Just depends now on who has the Switch and if it will be used on me. I feel it is with Jarod. Who else would Isaac give it to? Maybe Jarod won't use it on me, I think Jarod would have other targets aside from me at this point. So Greenhouse 4 still here. Mario is ... Mario. Wish Mario were more active. Harder to defend Mario now. I have a good relationship with Lindsay, William, even Kaleigh. Jarod too. Blake we get to talk. Autumn, Nicole and Jennet, I have been reaching out, but they are just so "busy" or maybe I am just not on their priority list. The Greenhouse 4 (well, 3 without Mario), William, Jennet, Lindsay voted together last round. So hopefully if we get to stick together this round, we will be safe too.

BLAKE

im feeling a bit down about my spot in the game! I think im probably a pick to go soon, and I really just need to find my footing in order to make a move in this game gr! last week i was at work, but it seems like william and nyx flipped the vote? but i cant be angry about it w/ william even though i AM so i decided just to rant about everybody ELSE to william and i think my whineyness is really working for me, serving nicole franzel, because i think william wants jennet gone which is like- good cause i think shes in the middle of the game.

CAPTAIN

william won the power! so.. i really don't know the outcomes tbh cause like even though we voted together last round, i didn't really talk to him (or anyone) about the vote. so i'm a little worried. i just hope the bond that we have made on the first round helps a bit with his decision.. please please i just wanna make it..

JAROD

XAVIER

Nice line up for bottom 5, William. Most voted with him last round except for Nicole and Kaleigh. I think he believes Kaleigh won't be saved and so eliminated first. And then Nicole would be the target. I was surprised Isaac gave Nicole the switch. I thought it would go to Jarod. Maybe Isaac thought that too, so shook things up a little. I don't think Nicole will switch me. I would want the kill used, so we don't worry about it later on. But if mostly Greenhouse is on the bottom (if Nicole switches out with Nyx), then we should use save to mess things up.

Why does it feel like I am the only one making strategic plans with these 3? Am I in the wrong alliance? Maybe I can get us 4 to sure Jury and switch to Nicole, Jarod and Blake. Ugh. Tiring.

NYX

So, this week I thought that I would be good I mean william won the penthouse comp I was safe and while the bottom five wasn't desirable i'll take it. Then of course karma comes back to bite me in the ass and the guy i orchestrated a vote out for chose the one person I couldn't have getting the karma got it and i know for a fact based on the fact nicole refuses to hold any type of intelligent conversations with me i'm in trouble

XAVIER

Could it be? Don't want to jinx it but..... https://youtu.be/wKP0hNmg4gE 

BLAKE

I’m so glad I had a literal mental breakdown last week over everything because one thing didn’t go my way. Really embarrassing for me BEBSNSNSK but anyways! Moving on! I’m hoping Kaleigh doesn’t get the boot honestly and it’s a heavy vote, considering I put in a lot of work to get myself to 2nd in the totem poll and had to release a lot of information to William to get here, it would be really unfortunate if I were to somehow end up vulnerable through a twist ! The reason I don’t want Kaleigh gone is because there are 2 other people I would rather go in the bottom (jennet and captain) for flipping. Honestly I’m a vindictive person and LOVE them but, they gotta GO just out of spite truly. I’m really happy with the new alliance of Lindsay myself William and Jarod, and the reason I’m apologizing for being a literal nut job last week is because I made everything about me, I was spiralling because I was having stress with work and everything I think? Who knows? And I really don’t think I’m in as bad of a spot as I thought I was, especially if I can knock out some big players and Isaac or daisy wins the battle back. As for the battle back!  I’ll rank the 4 people out right now on how much I want them to return 1- Isaac 2- Daisy 3- Wyatt 4- Lanie 

XAVIER

I AM IN THE JURY FOR SURE! I mean, I want to win, but for sure I am not pre-jury! Now the double vote. It was a waste of the save. Nicole should have just eliminated Kaleigh. Now it means the second round of Penthouse will be an automatic elimination. That would be tough. I know many are looking at Kaleigh and Mario to vote. But if most put votes on Kaleigh, and a few on Mario, could we still swing the second vote off Mario? And onto a bigger threat? Maybe it will help us more farther along in the game. And who doesn't want a group of 4 lasting longer? There might actually be more votes on Mario than Kaleigh, because of the Greenhouse returnees still being complete. Let me think more on this. One of them is surely going home, do you want to save the other for a bigger threat like Jennet or Lindsay? I am cool with Lindsay. Jennet I haven't forgotten being their nominee.

I am not pre-jury! I know I kept saying pre-merge in the video haha Survivor on the brain. https://youtu.be/SErcWUpfCwo 

CAPTAIN

[this is gonna be a throwback diary room entry!] william put me in the bottom 5.. not surprised i think. i was hoping if our connection we made in the first round was gonna help here but its not. but i don't blame him.. i rlly flop with talking to people the past couple of days teehee. so thats kinda the wake up call for me to like keep talking to people or else i'll be over. i don't have any bad blood with william i think but i also won't forget that he's putting me in the bottom 5. period.

NYX

Ok so, with this heavy vote twist this means one of either Jennet, Lindsay, Mario, Captain, or maybe Kaleigh will be up to be voted for. This sucks because those first 4 are close allies. So now i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because i'm gonna have to let one of them go. so now i have to pick my loyalties. I would like to get Kaleigh and maybe Mario out because then we'd be forced to work with other people in other alliances but I just don't think Xavier would turn on them like that. I just have to find some kind of excuse to pull this off. 

CAPTAIN

nicole saved kaleigh! thats good for kaleigh! this vote tho is gonna be something.. i don't wanna go so i'm fighting hard. blake told me he's not voting me. i know i can trust jarod, jennet and autumn and the greenhouse people.. so i think i'll be fine here? but idk. anything freaky could happen. for the voting plan, i think GH4 is gonna do kaleigh so thats 4 votes on her. and hopefully, jarod, jennet, autumn, blake and nicole is doing mario so it would be 5 on him. and lindsay told me she won't vote me so i think she might do mario too? since mario isn't talking to ppl. this is always my issue with mario like i love him but he doesn't even want to save himself and i just can't carry him anymore.

AUTUMN

XAVIER

So I was going to try and vote someone else out. I mean majority look like they are voting Mario. So the G4 would be voting Kaleigh. If I could just convince Mario to vote someone else, it would be 2-2. But then Blake messages and says that the G4 are voting together, so is there something. So in order to just make sure Kaleigh gets out and not cause extra drama, I am sticking to Kaleigh. Well, it is kinda obvious I guess. I just told Blake I wanted to help us all get to "merge" since we had the worst placements of all coming in the game. I hope that was convincing enough.

So G4 voted for Kaleigh, I knew it if I switched to Jennet then Jennet and Mario would have gone home. But at least it's out in the open. So I think Sequester+Jennet voted for Mario. And Penthouse+Survivor (the others) voted for Jennet. Good to know where Jarod and Blake really stand, even with all their messages to me. The swing votes are the other 4. Gotta make better relationships with William, Lindsay and Nicole. And what's up Blake? Outing the G4 in the group call? When Sequester is the same, good thing Nyx brought it up. Watch your back, Blake.

LINDSAY

Not thrilled about this vote for many reasons. So, William gets power, and he messages me, right? "I want to work with you me Jarod and Blake" okay that's cool but uhhh.... there's six white people left in the game and that's four of them... so me and jarod message like "???" and we work to stop the noms from being all POC cuz that's gross (the intention was Jennet+Greenhouse/Nicole which uhhhhhh). I talked him into at least nomming Kaleigh. Me and Jarod were under the impression that Kaleigh would go home tonight for general inactivity (also Mario because he's inactive as piss + a greenhouse kid did probably finally need to go tonight) Where did this Jennet vote come from? Who voted for Jennet? Why are they suddenly a target? I dunno man I couldn't fight it much because I was out with my friend while we were deciding who to vote for but I'm squicked out on every level right now. Clearly people weren't telling the truth to me on top of everything else.... that's not how you win my trust. My god, am I about to goat for Jarod? I think Mario/Jennet are going home but not happy about this all around.