#AND probably lose but i'll risk it all anyway

[casmick-consequences]

[americas1suiteheart]

I have something called Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy that I was diagnosed with when I was 15 which isn't caused by flashing lights or strobes, but rather hormones. So, I decided to do something with a reader that is epileptic, just not with something exactly like mine. Enjoy!!

I Won't Tell, I Promise

James Wilson x Epileptic! Reader

Summary; Y/n has been working at Princeton for 4 years, hiding her epilepsy in fear of losing her job. But what happens when an episode comes out of nowhere?

Notes; Everyone I've met and told I have epilepsy always thinks it's light sensitive, but it's not. I wanted to kind of have this as a thing to give a bit of what it's like dealing with that stigma.

Warnings; Foul language, mentions of taking prescription drugs, epileptic episodes, angst.

Word Count; 4,230

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You've been working at the Princeton Plainsboro teaching hospital for a short while so far.

Before Prinston, you worked at a hospital all the way over in Oklahoma City as a nurse, then to Chicago as a doctor.

You probably would've never gotten this job if you mentioned what would be considered a "safety concern", to anyone.

You were diagnosed with Myoclonic Epilepsy when you were 17 and though it was said to be hormonal, it still hasn't gone away 26 years later.

"It'll go back to normal, just give it time, it usually goes away by your 20s," the neurologists and your mother constantly reminded you that. And nearly 30 years later and they were wrong.

That's what upset you the most. The fact that they assured you that it would go away and you would no longer have to take anymore of the god damn medicines or switching them constantly. They lied to you.

But, no use in moping about it. It is what it is. This problem, this disorder, is what pushed you to do what you do now. Neurology.

The doctors and neurologists could never figure out what was "wrong" with you. Countless tests, week long EEG's, CT scans, blood tests and draws, more brain scans, everything you could think of. Nothing.

No tumors ever found, nor any family history of it.

You'd just figure it out yourself.

Being in the medical field for almost 20 years has just earned you one of the larger titles.

Dr. Y/n L/n | Head of Neurology.

You had your own office on the floor where all of the MRI and CT machines resided. Made recently for you.

You just got that title just a couple months ago, and man was it difficult.

You had to take an extra dose of medicine due to the amount of stress and lack of sleep you were getting. And you weren't about to give that title you worked so hard for up.

Maybe (you knew it was,) mixing one of the strongest medications with another concentrated one was a bad idea.

750 mg of Levetiracetam, 370 mg of Lamotrigine, and 50 mg of Clobazam 3 times daily. On top of vitamins due to deficiency.

Now, that high of a dose of the Levetiracetam was already bad enough, but mixing it with the Lamotrigine made it worse. But you couldn't have an episode on the job. You feared that if you did, you would lose not only your title, but your job, and at the worst, your medical license.

You just couldn't risk that.

"...Y/n? You okay? Can you hear me?" A hand waved in front of your face with a couple snaps, trying to get your attention

Now see, that was the tricky thing with epilepsy. Absent seizures. You never knew if you'd just spaced out or had another small seizure.

"Oh, uh, sorry. Yeah, I just spaced out for a second, my bad." You respond, forcing a smile with a chuckle.

"Oh, good. Thought I lost you there," Wilson says, putting his hand down and taking another bite of his salad.

Your watch begins to beep, indicating it was time to take the second medication of the day.

One in the morning, one during lunch, and one at night, taking each one with water and food.

"Um, give me a second, I gotta go get some water real quick. I'll be right back." You awkwardly rush.

"Don't worry, I'll get one for you. I've gotta throw my trash anyways."

"No, Wilson. Really it's fine I can get it," You began to panic. Don't panic.

"Then I'll go with you," Wilson smiles, getting up with his trash.

You mutter out an "Okay."

'He's going to ask about the pills. I've never taken my meds in front of anyone before. What do I say?' You began to freak out even more. 'What if he sees them and tells Cuddy about them? I'll lose my job.'

Technically you weren't supposed to supply your own medication to yourself. That's how House got in trouble. It's not like I'm abusing them, though. Right?

"What's that timer for?" Wilson asks.

"Well, sometimes I'll be working and I'll forget to grab lunch, so I don't want to forget to eat, y'know?" Liar.

"Oh,"

You continued walking in an awkward silence before you quickly went to the food bar and bought a bottle of water.

"You left me, what was that for?" Wilson chuckles with a hand on his hip.

'Do I just tell him? He'd be the first to know apart from my family or friends back in my hometown. No one since I left there knows about it. But I could trust him.'

"Uh, well.." You begin.

"Wilson! Come here!"

You turn around to see House marching (or trying more so,) toward the two of us.

"House-"

"Shut up, I need you. You can talk to Ms. Addict later."

'Shit, did House know?'

"Excuse me, what did you just call me?" Unbelievable.

"..real bold coming from you, House." You continue.

"At least I admit it! You’re exactly like me!" House shouts as he walks away with Wilson.

"What do you mean by 'Ms. Addict?'" Wilson asks, you being able to hear him as he walks away with House.

'If House knows, will he tell Wilson? Shit, more importantly, will he tell Cuddy?'

You sigh as you walk out of the cafeteria and go down the stairs to your respective level and enter your office.

"God, I've gotta stop this shit.." You say, picking up some x-rays of brain scans.

The patient was an 8 year old little boy. He was experiencing small seizures regularly, without any family history of seizures or epilepsy diagnosis'.

He'd been in the hospital for nearly a week now, countless tests were run, and he'd been attached to an EEG machine to see what would spike when he had an episode.

'Shit.'

You looked more closely at one of the radiographs. On the right side of his temporal lobe there were two black masses, most likely tumors, which looked to have been roughly 5 to 6 inches in size.

"Fuck.. Fuck, what do I do with this." You began to panic. There shouldn't be masses like that. This could just be something wrong with the machine, right?

You can't just stand there. You had to say something.

'Wilson,' You thought to yourself.

He would be the one to go to. You could only hope that they weren't cancerous tumors.

You gather up the rest of the radiographs and make your way out of your office to go to Wilson's, hoping that House was finished doing whatever he does, and that he would be in there.

"Hey, Dr. L/n, I was wondering if you have any updates on Noah yet?" The boy's mother stopped me in my tracks.

"Oh, good afternoon, Mrs. Pieters. I was actually just looking at Noah's radiographs now. I'm going up to Dr. Wilson's office right now to go over them with him, so the final results should hopefully be out soon," You explain anxiously, still trying to sound as professional as possible.

"Oh wonderful! Once again, thank you for putting Noah in your care. You have no idea how lucky and relieved we feel now." She replies, a big smile on her face.

You feel so bad...

"Of course, Mrs. Pieters. Noah's health is one of my top priorities right now, and I couldn't be more happy to help. If you don't mind, though, I really need to go over these with Dr. Wilson right now."

"Of course. Sorry for keeping you," She apologized.

You wave her goodbye and rush to the stairs to reach Wilson's office.

You urgently knock on his door, waiting for a response, yet none came. You knock once again, and still no response. "James, are you in there? There are some radiographs I need to show you,"

You wait more, and still no response. Maybe House or Cuddy know where he is.

You go next door and open House's door, not even bothering to knock.

There House sat, throwing and catching his oversized tennis ball.

"What the hell-"

"Do you know where Wilson is?!" You cut him off in an urgency.

"He's probably in the bathroom touching himself, I'd check in there if I were you," He says sarcastically.

Oh..

"I'm being serious, House!" You roll your eyes and shout in frustration.

“Why, do you want to finally confess your undying love for him?”

You look at House with your mouth agape, looking like a fish out of water trying to create a response that wouldn't make you seem flustered. “I-”

You figured it would be near impossible to have an actual serious conversation, though not that you wanted one, with House. “I’m just gonna go ahead and go to Cuddy’s..” You sigh, frustrated with the time you’d just wasted trying to talk to him.

“Fine then! Be-” House shouts before you shut the door on him, silencing whatever bullshit he was going to say to or call you.

You make your way to Cuddy's office, looking at the radiographs on your way to make sure they really were something to be concerned about, though you would still look them over no matter what.

You knock on Cuddy's door and barge in, the same way you'd just done with House's. "Cuddy, have you seen Wils-" You say, stopping as you see Wilson standing at Cuddy's desk, going over some files.

"Oh my gosh, thank god. James, please, I need your help and time just for a moment," You plead.

"James? I got upgraded to James now?"

"Not the time now, Wilson,"

"Can you two do this somewhere else?" Cuddy says, a tinge of annoyance barely clear.

You leave Cuddy's office with Wilson following behind.

"What is it I can help you-" He says before you urgently (rudely,) cut him off.

"It's about Noah's MRI and CT scan results," You sigh, sadness in your voice.

Wilson's face softened, "Please tell me it's good,"

You pull up the radiographs and show them to him, not being able to see it all that great.

"Let's go to my office,"

You and Wilson make your way into your office, you put the pictures onto the intensifying screen and take a look at them once more, that feeling in your stomach getting deeper.

Please don't let it be bad..

"Those black masses right there at the temporal lobe, do you think those are.. tumors?" Your voice shakes.

Wilson inspects the pictures and points out the same two that you feared.

"Th-these ones?" Wilson questioned.

You nod your head.

You were horrified, but at the same time, you were anticipated. If these were the cause, then you would know why this was happening to him, unlike you with yours.

Wilson lets out a deep breath and turns to you, "We're going to have to run some more tests.. these are.. definitely tumors, but we don't know if they're cancerous..."

You sigh and rub your hands over your face.

Wilson walks to you and rubs your back with one hand, and places the other onto your shoulder.

You shiver at his touch, you began to feel dizzy and after taking your hands away from your face, you see black auras begin to obscure your vision.

And then, you blacked out.

--------------------------------------

Your head was pounding and your tongue was swollen. You looked around you in confusion as you found yourself laying on your side.

Where am I?

A hand ran through your hair as someone softly assured you that you were okay.

You get up before quickly falling back down to the floor.

"Hey, hey, L/n, just- sit back down. You're okay," a familiar voice assured you.

You blink slowly.

"Hey, look at me, look.. What's my name?"

You look at the male, his face becoming more familiar, though not enough until a couple seconds passed by, him staying patient with you.

"Wilson?" You slur.

"Good- um, what's your name, now?"

You felt like you were going to vomit. Your head was still spinning, though you were starting to become more familiar with your surroundings,

"Y/n? What happened?" You groan.

"Y/n, you just had a seizure.."

Those five words sent you into shock, though now it was beginning to quickly rise up to a panic attack..

"What?"

You put your head into your hands and brought your knees to your chest, a lump began to form in your throat and tears welled up in your eyes, "No, no, no, no, no, oh god, no..." You sobbed. You let yourself stress out enough to the point that you had an episode after not having one for nearly 6 months. You were doing so good. God there's no way you're going to ever drive again.

"Hey, hey, hey, it's okay, it's okay, Y/n." Wilson tried to assure you as he patted your back.

"No, no it's not okay.. shit," You choke up.

You wipe the saliva off of your mouth, presumably from spitting up during your episode.

You rock yourself back and forth, head still in your hands.

Wilson stayed quiet. He had no idea what to say, but you preferred that he didn't. You needed some silent time to gather your mind together.

"God.. fuck, I'm so sorry, James. You shouldn't have had to deal with that.." you exhale and apologize, afraid to even look at him.

"Y/n, don't- don't apologize,"

"You're not going to tell anyone are you? Please don't tell anyone, please, Wilson," You pleaded, tears welling up again at the thought of losing your job.

You didn't know that House had already known before. House had overheard you when you were speaking to Noah that one day, and then found out how much you were taking a day, earning your new nickname 'Ms. Addict'.

Him being the huge blabbermouth that he is, he obviously felt the need to tell Wilson. Wilson didn't know if he told him because he had some sort of worry for you, or if it was just him being an asshole, but by God was he glad that House told him.

"I won't tell, I promise." Wilson said as he wiped the tears away from your face, cupping it with his hand.

You melt into his touch and sigh.

"How.. how much Levetiracetam have you been taking..?" Wilson questioned.

You look at him in confusion, "What? What are you talking about?"

"Your meds.. how much of them are you taking?"

House.

"House- House told me, just earlier today," Wilson admitted hesitantly.

House!

“I’m gonna kill him!” You suddenly shout in a fit of sudden rage.

You get up only to fall once again, not just triggering your vertigo, but also making the previous dizziness you’d just had only mere minutes ago worsen.

You grab onto the nearest table to stable yourself, stumbling around as you try to pathetically attempt to speed walk.

 “L/n– L/n hold on just– Y/n!” Wilson says anxiously.

“Fuckin’ asshole, I’m gonna kill him.. How does he even know?” You grumble to yourself.

You stumbled around the workplace, bumping into things and nearly dodging others, looking like a lunatic disguised as a doctor, or to be more accurate; House.

“Y/n!” Wilson calls out to you, catching up to you far more quickly than you had been “speedwalking”.

He stops you, getting ahold of your left arm and goes in front of you, grabbing your other arm after successfully stopping you from even taking one more step.

“L/n, don’t. I know he’s an asshole but let's just go back to your office so we can sit you down, and then talk about this, okay?”

You were upset, and overwhelmed. He was right. You should go back to your office, sit down, have some water, and focus on Noah.

Noah..

You nod at him and turn around to make your way back to your office, one of his hands on your back and another out in case you fall.

He was so.. caring. You’ve never had someone care so much for you. You haven’t had that in years, you’d forgotten just how nice it was to be cared for, even if it were in upsetting circumstances such as now.

You smile to yourself as he helps you to your office chair, thanking him.

Wilson pulls up a stool in front of you, “L/n, are you okay?” He questions, taking your hands into his own, warm and calloused.

“Yeah, I guess I just freaked out a bit. I’m alright,”

“How much medicine have you been taking, L/n..” Wilson asks concerningly.

You sigh. You didn’t want to admit you had a bit of a.. problem with substances, specifically your prescribed ones. God, I really am House..

“Uh,” You look away from him. You were more than ashamed of yourself. There was a reason the drugs were controlled, because they were addictive..

It had gotten to the point where you depended on them too much. The Clobazam wasn’t even necessary, either.

“750 mg of Levetiracetam, 370 mg of Lamotrigine, and 50 mg of Clobazam.” You mutter.

“750 of Levetiracetam??”

“Yeah.. three times daily.”

Wilson sighs and lets his head fall low, muttering something to himself.

“L/n, you could overdose on just the Levetiracetam and Lamotrigine together twice, maybe even once! But you're mixing it with the Clobazam, too? Three times a day? Who’s prescribing you this much medicine?!” Wilson was genuinely concerned for you, he didn't mean to sound or come off as angry or upset, but that’s definitely what he sounded like.

"Myself," You looked at your hands, his were still holding yours.

"..I'm sorry but- I couldn't risk having an episode, especially not here. If- if anyone else found out I thought I might lose my job or- or my medical license, I can’t risk that, I- I worked so hard for this title, I can’t let it be taken away because of some stupid-” You started to get worked up and hysterical. So much build up just over the years of not telling anyone your worries, not even your parents or friends from home, all of it just spilt out in front of Wilson.

Wilson gets up and pulls you into a tight hug, stroking your hair as his chin rested on to of your head. “I won’t tell anyone, and I promise you, I absolutely promise you that you won’t lose your job if anyone else finds out,”

You tense up, but the sound of his heartbeat so close to your line of hearing made you relax into his arms, wrapping your own across his torso.

“I don’t know about you, but this is one of the first times that I’ve ever been happy that House is an asshole. I’m glad he told me. I’m glad you’re safe.” Wilson continued, holding you closer to him.

His overwhelming affection and concern began to make you tear up. He actually cared for you.

And though House would never admit it, so did he.

You began to cry into Wilson’s lab coat, still not letting go of him in fear that you would lose him forever if you did.

“I care for you, Y/n. I never want you to feel this way.”

He didn’t even care that you were dirtying his coat with your own tears and snot, he only cared for you at that moment.

“Oh, you finally found him. Did you find him in the bathroom touching himself like I said he was? Is that why you’re crying? Do you need a hug from me, too?” House says sarcastically as he barges into your office.

You take your face out of Wilson’s coat to scowl at House. “Fuck off, Greg..” You sniffle.

“House, it’s really not the time for your shit, and that’s a highly innaproppriate thing to say- wait, where did you get that from?” Wilson says, pulling away from you.

“I’ve heard you,” House ‘whispers’ very loudly.

House hobbles over to you and stares for a few seconds before ruffling your hair, making it messier than it already was before.

“Addict,”

“Says you, asshole,” You respond, trying to smooth out your hair for it to look decently.

“..Uh, how did you know? About my..” you continue.

“You have really gotta start being more quiet when you talk to your patients about stuff like that, it was hard not to hear you blabbering to that kid. Do you just do that with all of them? Pretty wreckless if you ask me,” House responds.

“And my medication?”

“You’re not as sneaky with it as you think. Maybe being more open about it would raise less flags. You just might actually be worse than I am, Ms. Addict.”

Wilson stood aside, watching the interaction between his best friends. They hated eachother, but cared for eachother at the same time. He smiled at the scene.

“Whatever,” You say as House leaves your office.

“You two are an interesting pair,” Wilson chuckles.

“He’s a child.” You roll your eyes and smile.

House pops back into your office, sticking only his head in through your doorway. “Druggie addict.” and he disappears once more.

“There’s my point being proven,”

“Oh, I never doubted you,”

You look up at Wilson, with him looking back down at you.

You took in his features for a good couple of moments, 

his thick brows were one of the most noticable features of his, in the best way possible in your opinion at least. You could never imagine him with what people would concider “normal proportioned” brows. They sat atop those puppy dog eyes that held a sort of tired softness to them, you could just get lost in them forever. A single section of hair seperated from his usual kept up hair, laying on top of his forehead. His smile. My god, his smile was so nice.

“What?” Wilson lets out a breathy laugh.

“Nothing, you just look nice today,” You reply back before getting up out of your chair in your best efforts, successfully making it back to Noah’s Radiographs.

“Thanks, you do, too,” He stood next to you at a closer proximity than before.

You and Wilson looked closely at Noah’s Radiographs for a few minutes before Wilson declared, “I don’t think you have to worry about these tumors too much, they look benign to me. We just need to remove them and Noah should be fine,”

You let out a sigh of relief. Noah was an amazing kid. You have no clue what you would do if you had to give news that he had something that could possibly be a cause of death. At least you found the reason for his.

You lay your head on Wilson’s shoulder and smile, “Thanks, James.”

He brings his hand up to grab your waist, pulling you closer to him and laying his head onto yours, “Thank you for letting me help out with him. He’s lucky to have you,”

“..though, I think I would be even luckier to have you, Y/n.” Wilson continues.

Wilson had always been good with his words when he wanted to. They always came out to be smooth, yet not too vulgar or forward. Thats exactly what it felt like now. It felt genuine, it felt like it actually came straight from the heart, and now you felt like yours was about to practically beat out of your chest.

“I think you would, I’m just special like that,” you giggle.

Wilson raises his head off of yours and looks at you, taking in how beautiful you looked before placing a small kiss to your head.

You grin, practically from ear to ear and lift your head off of his shoulder to press a kiss to his cheek, only for him to lift your chin up. You two were practically teasing each other, for as when you went to close the gap, he lifted you up and carried you to your office chair bridal style and sat down with you in his lap, now closing the gap himself as he spun around in the chair with you.

You smiled into the kiss and you could feel he was too.

This would be one of your most memorable days ever, in so many ways. Not only because of Noah, but because of this moment with James that you would never imagine would happen to you in a million years.

Its not to early to think to yourself or say, you love him.

You love James Wilson, and you would scream it from the top of your lungs so everyone else could be reminded of it.

You were in love with him, and he was in love with you.

[comma-tose]

Something I noticed that I REALLY don't like is just how much current borderlands seems to be trying to diminish Rhys and Fiona's personalities and achievements.

It started out with Rhys in Borderlands 3, where Vaughn implied he was fake and that they haven't spoken in years for some reason??? Then it happened again in New Tales, where Rhys was written as incompetent, and an awful boss that fires his employees for having ONE bad idea.

It also essentially calls him a warmonger that's focused entirely on profits, and has no moral compass beyond "the almighty dollar". Going as far as to explicitly state that that is literally Atlas's motto.

Aside from all that it also says that Atlas is essentially failing and that Rhys has absolutely no idea what he's doing, which is especially weird considering how in Borderlands 3 it's stated that Promethea is finally starting to do well for itself again, and through Echo logs you hear that even Marcus is impressed with how well Rhys is doing.

So for Rhys we have him losing connection with his best friend and being called an idiot, fake, being mischaracterised as a terrible person that apparently learnt nothing and has regressed as a person to a borderline unrecognisable state.

----------------------------------------------

And now we get to Fiona. Since borderlands 3 treats the female protagonist of Tales as if she just doesn't exist, Fiona's story continues in Debt or Alive so...

SPOILER WARNING FOR DEBT OR ALIVE.

Not only is Fiona characterised VERY strangely in the book but they also just give Sasha credit for some of what Fiona does, and Fiona alone tends to be the target of blame in the book. Oh and she gets compared to Handsome Jack for good measure.

To start off with, Fiona doesn't even get her wish from the Vault of the Traveller. She gives it to Sasha, and Sasha wishes for a rare Vaultlander figurine of Typhon DeLeon which is destroyed a couple of chapters later. So not only does Fiona not even get to use her wish but the product of the wish gets destroyed anyway so it's entirely pointless.

Fiona also just decides to not be a vault hunter. That conversation she can have with Rhys SECONDS before this happens, about how it suits her, about how she's sad the adventure is over? It's just ignored. She immediately gives it up because she doesn't want Sasha vault hunting and getting put in danger again. Sure she still likes vault hunting but it is immediately given up. (I could write a whole other post about why this bugs me and I probably will).

Fiona has flaws that are addressed in the books, as they should be, all characters have to have flaws, but she is the only one out of the sisters to have flaws addressed. Sasha's are treated as if they don't exist, even when they're very apparent. Fiona learns to not be overprotective, and that she can't stop Sasha from doing things she wants to BUT Sasha doesn't learn anything. She does impulsive things that endanger both her and Fiona, and her risking their safety for fun or on a whim is just never mentioned. (Again something else I'll definitely talk about in another post).

Fiona is also consistently the one who comes up with the plans in the book, while Sasha is either not doing anything or suggesting they take the easy way out. Fiona is the one to start removing the debt cuffs from people while Sasha stands there bewildered, asking what she's doing. Fiona is the one to come up with the plan to scam the billionaires so that they can use the money to free everyone from debt while Sasha suggests just funding Gaige's revenge scheme (and assumedly just abandoning the people in debt??). And Fiona is the one to figure out how to get into Holloway's panic room and save everyone.

Fiona having her moments to shine would be great if they consistently didn't end with her being called an idiot, getting badly hurt, failing, or at one point being compared to Handsome Jack of all people. (Additional point: Sasha doesn't even defend her when she's compared to Jack, which is weird and very out of character.)

This might be petty but the book also gives credit to Sasha for Fiona surviving Bossanova's murder rally in Tales. Which is really weird considering Sasha and Fiona were separated during the entirety of that event. So instead of mentioning a time where Sasha actually helped save Fiona, like in the bio-dome when she was caught by Finch and Kroger, I guess they're actively retconning an event to give Sasha the credit. For some reason.

Fiona also has to confront Sasha about how she's treating Rhys, but then like a chapter later she literally apologises for all that, despite having every right to call Sasha out for that. So again Sasha's flaws are not being recognised as actual flaws and instead it's Fiona who's somehow in the wrong and Sasha learns nothing. Sure by the end of the book she considers Rhys her boyfriend but she is never the one to tell him. Fiona is, because Sasha just doesn't bother to, because it never treats her as someone who has to grow as a person. Sasha is usually either just used as a plot device to progress things or just doing almost nothing while being given credit, instead of being developed like a proper character. I'd call her a shell of what Tales Sasha was but even that feels too generous.

I used to really want to see the Tales characters in other borderlands media, but at this point I just dread it. Because why would I want to see my favourite characters being wildly mischaracterised and mistreated by the franchise?

[terresdebrume]

I've written a couple of scenes of Charles' having an emotional breakdown and Edwin comforting him, I felt is was time for the reverse. Set in the I'm down on my knees universe at like. Some point, IG.

Warning for mentions of racist behavior throughout and also implied ableism via the Paynes vs Edwin. Hurt comfort. Sorta.

Edwin's fists start mashing together the second his hands come off the steering wheel, which Charles knows very well is the the top one sign of a stress spiral. It's pretty much the default position for Edwin's hands whenever they go to a social thing he hasn't got the hang on yet, and the morning before all his business law exams. It feels wrong to see them like that now, sitting in front of a rustic looking restaurant where his parents are waiting for them.

"We can still leave you know," he tells Edwin. "Tell them I tested positive for COVID and you don't want to risk giving it to them or something."

Edwin doesn't quite laugh, but the corners of his mouth lift up, and the creak of his leather driving gloves subsides for a moment. He makes a face like when he's trying to figure out how to say something he's not sure how to handle. Charles, one hand on his still buckled seatbelt and the other on the door handle, waits him out. Eventually, Edwin speaks.

"I should have said earlier," he says, sounding for all the world like the words are taffy stuck in his teeth, "but my parents are sort of... Well. They have a certain idea of how the world should work and be divided—"

"Yeah, I figured," Charles says. He grins when Edwin blinks at him. "Everyone else, when we've got plans, you say shit like 'Oh, Charles is making curry tonight'—"

"I do not sound like that," Edwin protests, but Charles snorts.

"You sound exactly like that, you big toff," he says, grin widening despite himself.

Edwin rolls his eyes and calls him ridiculous, fists softening against one another. Grinning to the point his cheeks ache, Charles gives Edwin's knee a light knock with his knuckles. It makes Edwin click his tongue, but Charles doesn't lose his smile.

"My point is, with you're parents it's always like 'Charles is making dinner' and stuff. Like you're playing the pronouns game with food."

Charles suppresses a wince when. Edwin's eyes widen and his fists tighten together again, like tectonic plates gearing up for an earthquake. Of course Edwin was going to take it the wrong way. Charles should have bloody well known better.

"I'm sorry," Edwin says, I didn't mean to—"

"It's fine," Charles shrugs. "I mean they know what I look like, right?"

"Yes!" Edwin promises, hands so tight together it looks like they're going to merge. "Of course. I made sure they couldn't pretend they'd misunderstood, too, I just—"

"Then I'm fine," Charles says, making sure his smile looks easier than it feels. "I was friends with racist gits for years, I can handle your parents for an hour."

Plus, they'll be in public. What are the Paynes gonna do, try to make him join the staff? Calling him the P slur over dessert? They might think it but Charles suspects they're too interested in seeming proper to be that crassly racist where they can be heard. Probably they'll just make some noise about certain types of people and NHS fraud and jobs being stolen away from the homeless people they have no intention to help. Maybe something about Islam—there people tend to assume Charles is a Muslim a lot. He chalks it up to two birds one stone mentality, and the appeal of unlocking two rants over a single guy.

"Alright," Edwin says, looking relieved but not guilt free yet. "But if you wish to leave early, please pretend you just remembered a favour you promised Jenny, will you? I will drive us back immediately."

"Sure, I'll do that," Charles promises. He genuinely doesn't think it'll be that bad, but if he's wrong he'll be glad have the out anyway.

Reassured, Edwin takes a deep breath, and nods, and in they go. Everything is very posh in that very 'bling is for lesser people' kind of way. The menu predictably shows no prices. Edwin's parents make the usual thinly veiled remarks about Charles and Indians and brown people in general, and it's not the most comfortable but Charles could deal with it if not for the Issue.

It starts when they approach the table, Edwin's parents standing next to it with spines so straight Charles half worries he's hunched down again. Edwin places his hands in his mother's to kiss the air around each of her cheek, but then when he goes to press his fists together again, she takes his wrists and pulls his hands apart. Charles's entire back goes rigid at the sight, but he manages to push it aside and smile as he extends a hand for Mrs. Payne to shake. He said he'd do his best to make the dinner a success, and he meant it.

They sit down, Edwin and Charles on one side of the rectangular table, Edwin's parents on the other. Edwin's hands are very flat on the white tablecloth, gloves pulled away and fingers carefully aligned together. They stay there while Edwin answers increasingly invasive questions about his studies and his life, but they drift together again when the Paynes' attention turns to Charles.

"Stop that," Mr. Payne says with a stern look, cutting himself off in the middle of a sanctimonious explanation of why Charles is not being ambitious enough in life.

It's such a complete contrast to the polite, vaguely affable air he took one when speaking to Charles, and he goes back to it so quickly, Charles barely has time to react. The only thing he can think of is to press his knee against Edwin's in comfort. He should have thought of a signal for Edwin, too. Or at least asked if he wanted one.

The entree's arrival provokes some surprised praise over how their brown waiter is surprisingly well trained and articulate, and Charles takes it in stride. They're not actually saying anything to the waiter, and when they do speak he's out of earshot. He's had worse, and Edwin doesn't quite seem to be ready to throw the towel in, so he'll stick it out a bit longer. Even if Edwin's going pinker and pinker with every minute that passes.

They're about halfway through their main dishes and another rant from Mr. Payne—augmented by his wife's approving noise and not much else, Edwin having fallen silent somewhere around the time his gaspacho touched the table. Charles hates to see him like this: Edwin has always had a big personality, a larger than average presence in any room. He should be leading the conversation, or at least insisting on being heard through it, not looking down at the tablecloth with his mouth shut.

Charles is halfway through opening his mouth to pretend Jenny just texted him about plumbing issues, when Edwin's dad speaks again. He has the kind of articulation they promote on the BBC, yet Charles doesn't register any of what he says, only the fact that Edwin's fists fly together without him even noticing, and then Mr. Payne's hand darts from the other side of the table to slap Edwin's closed hands.

Now, see, the thing about Charles, is he's got excellent reflexes. Between dodging his dad's many and varied projectiles over the years, a decade of cricket, and countless hours of playing shooting games, he's pretty much primed for it. Add to that the fact that he's been getting angrier and angrier on Edwin's behalf throughout the meal, and really Charles doesn't think he can be blamed for dropping his knife, reaching out, and slapping Mr. Payne's hands.

"How dare you?" The man hisses in the deadly silence that falls over the room after the exchange.

The whole restaurant seems to hold its breath, the way Charles and mum used to do whenever dad stopped and asked 'What did you just say?'. In the corner of Charles' vision, Edwin's mouth hangs partially open in shock even as Charles hisses:

"How dare you?"

"The way I discipline my son," Mr. Payne starts, and Charles snarls.

"Your son is twenty-five," he says raising his voice on purpose. "You don't get to treat him like a bloody toddler."

"You little—" Payne senior starts, but before Edwin even has the time to react to his dangerous tone, Charles stands up with a loud scrape of his chair against the floor.

"And another thing," he says, loudly speaking over the fast purpling man in front of him, "there's nothing wrong with Edwin. That thing with the hand? You're making a mountain out of a bloody molehill! And if you didn't spend so much time worrying about it, maybe you'd realize Edwin is really bloody mint, actually, and if you can't appreciate him, then I don't see why we should bother staying here at all." Charles pushes his chair back against the table with another loud scrape, and turns to Edwin. "Come on, let's go."

Edwin's parents protest, mildly at first and then more loudly, but Charles doesn't care. He's too furious at them, at the way they filled their son with a sort of guilty shame Charles had never seen until the, at the way they somehow managed to stop him from even wanting to answer.

He waits until Edwin stands up, and then he takes hold of Edwin's wrist and drags the both of them outside. Edwin has to tug hard on his arm to remind him they used a car to come in, actually, and they can't leave it there. He sounds—well he sounds strained, is what he does. The sort of voice that means there's an emotion somewhere he's not letting out, and this time Charles knows exactly where it's going.

"I'm so sorry," he says, "I ruined dinner!"

"Oh," Charles, Edwin sighs.

His eyes are wide and wet and his grin ks kind of wobbly, but he steps up and engulfs Charles in hug anyway, hands tightly clasped around Charles waist. Charles responds in kind, putting as much love as he can into the embrace, into the pressure of his arms around Edwin.

"Thank you," Edwin mumbles against Charles' neck. "No one ever stood up for me line that."

"They bloody well should have," Charles says, gentling his tone when he realizes something warm dripping down his neck.

Edwin, too busy controlling his crying the best he can, doesn't answer, but it doesn't matter. Charles holds him tight until he's done crying anyway.

[justagalwhowrites]

Yearling - Ch. 31: Warmth

You cope with the aftermath of patrol. A continuation of Yearling ch. 1-30 found on Tumblr here.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Warnings: Fall out from canon-typical violence. Plot points from TLOU2. No use of Y/N. Minors DNI 18+ Only 

Length: 8k

A/N: Hi y'all. This does have a continuation of the spoilers from TLOU2. Again, I'm so sorry for not warning about these further in advance. If you have any questions, feel free to shoot me a DM (or you can always yell in the comments or in my asks. I don't delete things if they're not the kindest so I'll leave whatever you want to send my way up, I totally get it.) Thanks for being here ❤️

AO3 | Chapter One | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

It shouldn’t be this hard to stay conscious when the world is ending. 

You’d had the thought before, in the early days of the outbreak. When you were trying to find someplace safe and had no idea where to start, when you were just riding and riding and hoping you’d be alive to see the next morning. 

But now was different. It wasn’t your life, it was Joel’s. His was so much more important than your own and the fear of losing him was keeping you awake. You’d nod off for a second - you thought, anyway - only to jerk back awake when your grip on his wrist slipped and his pulse wasn’t a constant - if weak - drumbeat below your fingers. 

You weren’t quite sure how long you’d been on the floor with him. Things were fuzzy. You’d lost a lot of blood, you were familiar with that sensation now, you could identify it even as your mind was foggy. You still weren’t entirely sure what had happened. You remembered Joel screaming - you didn’t think you’d ever forget that horrific sound - and running to find him. You remembered watching as that girl swung the golf club down on his body. It wasn’t until you were already in the room, fighting for control of your gun with someone who looked like he was about Ellie’s age that you realized this was probably a mistake. You’d charged in without a plan to get backup, you were hugely outnumbered, no one knew where the fuck you were. You should have at least gone back for your horse, you were pretty sure she could have fit down here and you could have used sheer size and weight to clear the room. 

But they were killing him. That’s all that could force that sound from someone, life and death, and you couldn’t risk it. If there was a chance, even a tiny one, that you could save him, you were going to take it. Even if it killed you, you were going to take it. 

The threat was gone now - or you hoped it was, at least. Gatling was still on guard. You could feel how tense she was behind you, her body engaged and ready to strike. If they came back armed to the teeth before help arrived, though, you’d be finished. 

Joel’s wrist, the one you’d been holding, relaxed some and you forced yourself to sit up. 

“Joel?” You managed, adjusting your hold on him. His whole arm was limp now. Your heart beat faster. You released his wrist and pressed your fingers into his neck, where you liked to kiss him and feel the vital thrum of his pulse through his skin. It was faint but it was there. You adjusted yourself, propping yourself up on your elbow as your cut side screamed in pain, and you ran your fingers through his hair. You took comfort in the fact that you still could do that. While the rest of his body had been brutalized, Joel’s head was intact outside of where it looked like someone had landed a punch on his cheek near his eye, a bruise blossoming on his skin but no blood shed. It was like the girl had been saving his head for last, like she was trying to draw it out, make sure he was alive and awake while she hurt him. It turned your stomach. 

“You’re OK Joel,” you held face gently in your hand. “Gonna get you out of here, get you back to Ellie. You’re OK.” 

You stayed propped up like that for a while, just talking to him and running your fingers gently through his hair and feeling his breath on your skin until you were too weak to hold yourself up anymore. You collapsed alongside him then, trying to shield his body with yours as much as you could in case the people came back. 

Just a little sleep. That’s all. That’s what you needed, just enough rest to be able to think straight. Then you could figure out how to get Tommy and Joel back to Jackson. 

“Gatling,” you managed before you passed out. “Guard.” 

You woke up to snarling. 

Your head was swimming and you could feel the strength of the dog at your side, her body pressed back against you as she growled and barked. You tried to get your bearings as quickly as you could, fumbling for the rifles you’d brought to Joel’s side. 

“Bambi!” You recognized Ellie’s voice. “Bambi, call off Gatling, she won’t listen to me, we can’t get close enough…” 

“Gatling,” you gritted your teeth, your cut side burning and pulling as you tried to sit up. “Down.” 

You felt her relax and she gave a little whine before curling up against you and giving you a lick. You managed to prop yourself up on your uninjured side, eyes fighting to focus as Ellie, Jesse, Julie and Gene came in. Ellie ran for Joel, Gatling giving a little whine as she tracked her with her eyes.

“Jesus Christ,” Gene said as he got a good look at Joel. 

“He’s alive,” Ellie said, her voice cracking. “I thought…” 

“I know,” you adjusted so you could see him, check on his bandages. Your side protested, damaged skin pulling painfully. “But we have to get him to the doctor, we have to move him now…” 

“I don’t know that we can,” Gene knelt next to Ellie, looking Joel up and down. 

You frowned. 

“The fuck do you mean you don’t know.” 

“I mean,” he said gently. “We need to move quick, already been here too long, and we only have so many hands. I don’t know that he can make it back to Jackson and we should focus on…” 

“Fuck you,” your teeth were clenched, sweat starting at your temples from the strain of sitting upright. “We are not just gonna leave him out here…” 

“If we can save you and Tommy?” Gene said. “Then that’s what we should do. That’s what he’d want.” 

“Fuck you!” Ellie looked murderous. “Bambi’s right…” 

“C’mon,” Julie’s hands gently enveloped your shoulders. “Let’s try to get you up…” 

“I’m not going!” You wrenched yourself out of her grip and cried out in pain, a gush of blood coming from the wound at your side. “I’m not going without him, I’m not leaving him here!” 

Julie’s hands were on you again but you pulled yourself free, forcing yourself to your knees. 

“You’re gonna get yourself hurt,” Gene warned, moving for you, too, but you ignored him. 

“Gatling!” You managed through clenched teeth. Her head sprang up. “Guard!” 

She jumped to her feet and jumped between you and Gene. 

“Bambi,” he said cautiously, hands up, as your dog snapped her jaws and snarled at him. 

“I’m not going anywhere without him,” you were panting for breath. “You can’t make me, not with her like this. She’ll kill you and I’ll fuckin’ let her. Take him. Now.” 

Gene looked back at Jesse, who was helping Tommy sit up. He just shrugged. Gene looked back to you. 

“Fine,” he said. “But you gotta give us some space to work, can’t move him with her like this…” 

You struggled to your feet, using Julie’s shoulder as leverage, and you limped to the wall, all but collapsing against it. Gatling stayed on you, staring Gene down, seeming to trust Julie as you leaned against her. 

“She’s guardin’ me,” you said. “Won’t bother you over there. Move him. Do it.” 

You watched as Gene, Jesse and Ellie got Joel off the floor and out of the room. There was a perverse spot on the ground where his body had been, his blood pooled there. There was so much of it, so much it didn’t seem like there would be any left inside of him. You remembered, suddenly, Justin on the night of the outbreak. How you’d tried to put his blood back inside of him in the hopes that it would save him. How could you save the man you loved if all his blood was on the floor? 

“He’s alive?” Tommy asked from his place propped against the wall. There was a streak of blood down his face. 

“He’s alive,” you said. He closed his eyes and nodded, leaning his head against the wall. 

“Thank you,” he said, quietly enough that you could barely hear him. “I can’t…” 

“It’s OK,” you said. “We’ll get him back. He’ll be OK. He will.” 

You weren’t sure you believed it.

Jesse came back down and helped Tommy up before stopping near the door, keeping a safe distance from you and Gatling. 

“We got him on a horse,” he said. “We gotta move.” 

You gave him a nod and watched him get Tommy started on the stairs before you looked down at Gatling, her body drawn tight, ready to spring into action. 

“Gatling. Heel.” 

She looked up at you, muscle relaxing, and licked her lips. 

“You’re a good girl,” you said, trying to imbue as much praise into your voice as you could manage. “You did real good.” 

She wagged a little uncertainly and watched, waiting to follow you. Julie looped your arm around her shoulders while hers slipped around your waist and she helped you toward the stairs, taking it slow. You had to stop and rest once, not able to breathe, the warm gush of your blood when you pulled the air down low in your lungs making your head spin. 

“Think you can make it?” Julie asked, concerned. 

You nodded, wincing. 

“I’ll make it,” you said. “I know, we have to move.” 

She held you a little tighter and the cold air burned your lungs when you made it outside. Joel was draped over Ares, Gene mounted up behind him. Tommy was on his own horse, blood still on his face as he stared blankly at Joel’s limp body. 

“You can ride with me,” Julie said but you shook your head. You weren’t about to not be in control of a horse, not in this situation. You needed to have the power if something went wrong. You couldn’t trust anyone else to make Joel a priority if there were infected or raiders or, worst of all, the people who had attacked him to begin with. You needed to be able to move to protect him. 

“I’m fine,” you said through gritted teeth, even though you knew getting on Renaissance was going to hurt something fierce. “Don’t need to be slowin’ us down any more by putting two of us on a horse.” 

She went to protest but you pulled away from her and swallowed the sounds of your pain as you went to Renaissance and pulled yourself onto her. You called Gatling onto your saddle, too, and she settled there, still on high alert. You guided the horse to be alongside Gene and Joel and stared Gene down, almost daring him to fight you on it. 

“I want to get everyone back,” he said gently. “But if it’s not everyone, I want as many as I can get.” 

“Then let’s go,” you bit out. 

The ride back to Jackson felt long, longer than it really was, you were sure. Every step Renaissance made was painful. It was hard to stay conscious when you’d lost so much blood and the pain was blinding. You were terrified that something was going to happen, that someone was going to pick now to attack people from Jackson and that you wouldn’t be strong enough to save Joel. The thought was constant and overbearing, hollowing out your chest and making your stomach clench. 

By the time the walls of the city were in view, you were barely able to stay on your horse. Dina had ridden ahead to tell the doctors and the council what was happening and you were thankful for it as your head spun and vision grew spotty as you neared the gates. You were too out of it to notice that someone was there to catch you as your strength started to give out.

“Woah there!” You vaguely recognized Ryan, a guard you regularly saw when he went out on patrol, stomach turning as he lowered you to the snow. “Hey Doc! Got one here!” 

“No,” you shook your head, words starting to slur. The blood on your clothes was cold against your skin. “M’fine… Joel, need to help Joel…” 

“They’re getting him,” he said, looking down at you. He had a nice face, you thought. Pleasant and calming. “You got him back here, it’s OK. We’ll get you taken care of, it’s alright…” 

“Joel,” you closed your eyes. At least things were warmer here. It hurt less. “Need… Joel…” 

“We’ve got him,” Ryan said. His voice sounded so far away. “It’s alright, we’ve got him.” 

You barely remembered nodding before you passed out. 

You were warmer when you woke up. 

Sound came first. It took a moment before you could open your eyes but you could hear the muffled sounds of bickering not far away. For half a moment, you thought you were in Joel’s bed. That he and Ellie were in a tiff just outside his bedroom door, going back and forth about some harebrained scheme that one of them had latched onto. You thought about pressing your face into the pillow and trying to go back to sleep, hoping that Joel would come in once one of them wore the other down. He did that sometimes when he woke up before you, bringing you a cup of tea and setting it on the nightstand before wrapping around you, pulling you into his broad chest and burying his face in your hair or your neck, kissing you and breathing you in until you stirred in his arms. 

And then you remembered. Waking up next to Joel. Going on Patrol. The storm. The blood. 

You tried to sit up before your eyes were open, side pulling and head spinning. 

“Hey guys, she’s waking up!” 

Your eyes had never been heavier but you forced them open anyway, already reaching and groping to figure out where you’d ended up. 

The room was bright, the bed soft. It was the third time you’d managed to dodge death and awoken, confused and lightheaded, in Jackson’s clinic. The other bed was empty.  

“Joel,” you started trying to get up but two small hands held you in bed and you frowned, ready to fight whoever was holding you back, but it was Savvy, her eyebrows drawn tightly together, curls springing in every direction. 

“Mom, you have to be calm, you’ll rip your stitches…” 

She was here. She was with you, willing to talk to you, touch you. The sound of her voice, all gentle concern, made your chest tighten. You just looked at her for a moment, seeking out the minute changes in her since you’d gotten a chance to see her - really see her - last. You thought she might be having her last growth spurt. She looked a little longer, her face a little thinner. There was a scratch on her cheek that you wanted to kiss like you did when she was little. There were tears in her eyes. 

“Savvy…” 

“I was so scared,” her voice cracked. “I thought you might be dead, I thought…” 

“Oh honey,” you pulled her against you and held her to your chest, one arm looping around her waist, the other hand cradling her head to you, the wet of her tears on your neck. You kissed her temple and tried to keep the tears that were starting to cling to your eyelashes from falling. “It’s OK, you’re alright, I’ve got you. Don’t have to be scared, you’re OK.” 

“I’ve never seen you like that,” she sniffed from her place against your skin. “You’re always so strong, you’re never hurt, not like that…” 

“I know,” you said softly, rocking her gently. “I’m sorry, Honey, I wish you hadn’t seen that. I promise, I’ll do everything I can to make sure you never see it again and we can talk all about it but baby, I need to know where Joel is. Is he here? Is he OK? Is he alive?” 

She sniffed and started to pull back from you as the door opened, Ellie, Tommy, Maria and Dr. Livingston coming in. They moved slowly, cautiously. Like they were worried you would startle if they behaved normally. Tommy looked washed out, Ellie exhausted, both with grim looks on their faces. Your arms went limp and Savvy sat back from you, looking between you and them. 

“No,” you shook your head, a lump growing in your throat. “No, no, you’re wrong, he’s not…” 

“He’s alive,” Dr. Livingston said gently. “Barely. But you got him here just in time, it was very very close while we worked on him…” 

“Where is he,” you tried to get up again but Savvy held you down. “I need to see him, just for a second, please…” 

“He’s still unconscious,” Dr. Livingston continued. 

You frowned, looking between everyone. 

“That’s bad,” you said, reading their expressions. “Why… How long has it been?”

“We’ve been back about two and a half days,” Tommy said, his arms crossed over his chest. 

You nodded slowly. That made sense to you.

“He was hurt bad,” you said, looking between them again. “He lost a lot of blood…” 

“He did,” Dr. Livingston said. “But… well, we’d normally expect to see more from him by now. He’s breathing on his own - we don’t have the facilities to keep him alive if he can’t - but that’s the best we can really say for him. He’s… he’s unresponsive.” 

You processed what she said for a moment.

“You’re sure?” 

She nodded, her mouth a thin line. 

“Are you…” You had to close your eyes and focus for a second. None of this came easy or naturally. It was utterly unnatural, thinking of Joel in that way. He was so strong, so vital. He couldn’t just stop being like that. He couldn’t just fade away into nothing like that. “Are you saying he might not wake up?” 

“The longer he’s like this, the more likely it becomes,” Dr. Livingston said. 

“But he’s still alive,” you said, looking back toward Ellie and Tommy again, looking for that reassurance that you weren’t crazy. They knew him, they knew that he wouldn’t just disappear from his body like that. “He’s still breathing.” 

“He’s alive,” she said. “But he might be brain dead, we have no way of knowing right now, no way of scanning for brain function like we did before… I’m so sorry, but you have to consider the possibility that…” 

“Take me to see him,” you cut her off. She looked at Maria, worry in her eyes, like she thought you might be unstable. “Please.” 

Dr. Livingston sighed. 

“You’ve got a fair few fresh stitches and you’re still down plenty of blood yourself. We’ll have to take it slow.” 

Ellie and Savvy helped you stand up and you could feel the wounds on your leg and stomach protesting the movement. For a moment, you thought you might be able to count the number of stitches in your skin because the way it pulled and strained. You hissed and clutched the girls’ hands, squeezing their fingers so hard that you could only hope it didn’t hurt them. 

They helped you across a short hallway to a room that was almost identical to the one you’d been in, just with one fewer bed, giving people more room to work. Joel was there, flat on his back, his arms down straight at his sides over the top of the blanket. But he looked strange, unnatural. 

It took you a moment to recognized the part of it that was wrong. His chest rose and fell, the worst of his injuries hidden by the quilt. He looked like he was sleeping. But it was off. He never slept like that, straight as a board with his arms at his sides in that way. It wasn’t like him, it wasn’t the way his body arranged itself when he was relaxed. Even when he wasn’t curled around you, he slept on his side or, if he was on his back, his hands were folded and resting where his chest met his stomach. He napped on the couch that way sometimes, when he was sleeping lightly, waiting for you. You could come in and press a kiss to his forehead and he would open one eye and cock a smile at you, just big enough that his cheek would dimple. 

But if your lips touched him now, you knew he’d be still. He wouldn’t look at you like you made him happy just by existing. His cheek wouldn’t dimple. 

You made your way to a chair near the head of the bed and lowered yourself into it slowly. His skin was pale, his face totally lax in a way that wasn’t peaceful and was, instead, like an echo. 

“Oh God,” you breathed, one hand going to your lips. 

“We’re doing everything we can,” Dr. Livingston said gently. “We have ways to get him fluids and nutrients but… it’s nothing long term. We’ll just have to hope he makes a turn for the better.”

You nodded, not able to stop looking at him. His body was so empty, so unlike him. 

“Can I stay with him?” You asked quietly. You weren’t sure when you’d started crying but you were. 

“Sure,” she said. “For now. But you need rest…” 

You just nodded. You’d fight that battle when the time came. 

The doctor left you with the girls, Tommy and Maria. Joel’s family and yours. All the people you had in the world in this one, small room. 

“I was going to go home and get changed, take a nap…” Ellie said quietly. “Can I bring you something?” 

“One of his shirts?” You asked. 

“Sure,” she said. You heard the door open and she paused. “You did everything you could, Bambi. We all did.” 

You nodded, not willing to argue with her. 

“I think Tommy and I will get out of here for a bit, too,” Maria said. “Give you some time. We’ll be back in a few hours unless I can actually get my husband to get some real sleep…” 

“He wouldn’t be sleepin’ if it were me,” Tommy said, voice sharper than you were used to hearing. 

Maria sighed. 

“Come on, honey,” she said. “You need rest, too.” 

The room was quiet for a moment, so quiet you could hear the sound of Joel’s shallow breaths. You wanted to put your head on his chest and listen to the life inside him, reassure yourself that he was still in there somewhere, but you didn’t want to hurt him. You’d already done enough. 

“Mom?” Savvy’s voice was soft. “Is it… can I stay? For a bit?” 

You managed to pull your eyes away from Joel to find her, standing to the side, her arms tight over her chest. 

“Of course baby,” you said, looking for another chair. She found one first, moving it to be beside yours. She settled in there, taking a deep breath and letting it out in a heavy sigh. She was looking at Joel, her face drawn. “How have you been?” 

She shrugged noncommittally. 

“Alright, I guess,” she said. “School is OK. Math is stupid.” 

You laughed lightly once. 

“Math’s not stupid but… I know what you mean. Wasn’t ever my strong suit. I liked history best. And music, of course.” 

“Course,” she smiled a little. “I like Ellie and… I like staying where I have been but… I missed you. Missed home.” 

You swallowed the growing lump in your throat. 

“I missed you, too,” you said, voice wet. “So much. More than anything.” 

She nodded slowly, not looking at you. 

“I heard the doctors and some other people talking,” she said hesitantly. “What they were saying… It’s not the first time they’ve seen you hurt like this.” 

You waited for a moment, to make sure she was done. 

“It’s not,” you said. 

She nodded again. 

“How did you end up here?” She asked quietly. 

“I…” You sighed and tried to find the best way to phrase it. “I’d wound up with some bad people. I got hurt. Joel found me when I was in real bad shape. He brought me here. He saved me.” 

“When was that?” 

“About two years ago,” you said. 

“So you weren’t just here the whole time,” she said, more like a statement than a question. 

“No,” you said softly. “I wasn’t.” 

She nodded again. You could see her processing the information, her eyes slightly squinting as she did, so like her father used to do. It still tugged at your heart, bits and pieces of a man you’d loved still alive in his child. 

“I’m still not sure how I feel,” she said, gnawing on her lower lip. “But… I don’t want to keep being mad at you. I miss you. I’d… I’d like to find a way to see you. At least some. For now.” 

“I’d like that,” you said, sniffing a little. “I’d like that a lot. As much time as you want, honey, I’m here.” 

“OK,” she smiled a tight lipped smile at you before looking to Joel. “Do you really think he’ll wake up?” 

You sighed, looking at him, too. 

“I don’t really know anything about medicine,” you said. “But… I do know Joel. And I don’t knot that there’s anything that can keep him from taking care of the people he loves. And I know he knows Ellie needs him, you need him. And I…” your voice cracked. “I need him. He’s strong. He can pull through.” 

She nodded and slowly, gently, rested her head on your shoulder. You froze for a moment, not wanting to disturb her. But, eventually, you had to take a breath and she stayed there beside you, keeping vigil over the man who had become her guardian. 

Savvy ended up staying until after dark. Ellie came back only about an hour and a half after she left, bringing some clothes for you. You immediately put on the shirt, pressing your nose to the collar and breathing in Joel’s scent. She told you then that Savvy hadn’t left the clinic since you’d come in, always at your bedside, nearly ripping off the doctors’ heads when they dared suggest that she go home and get some rest. 

Ellie got her to go home that evening, though, after she gave you a delicate hug that, you thought, might be one of the best ones you’d ever gotten. Dr. Livingston wanted to keep you there for another few days, not something you were going to argue with since you weren’t about to leave while Joel was still there, anyway. She did make you move back to the other room and you gave up the fight quickly, waiting until you heard her leave for the night before going back across the hall, anyway. It was tricky, walking on your own when you were still healing, but you made it without any more blood leaking from you. You pulled your chair close to Joel and looked him over, tracing one finger over the soft skin of his cheek. He still looked so unnatural in this position, so unlike himself. You ran your fingers through his hair, arranging it just so, before you gently took his hands and put them at the base of his chest, one on top of the other. Not quite right, but better. It felt like his body was more his that way. 

“I’m here, Joel,” you said quietly, wanting more than anything to be able to curl up in his lap. “I’m here.” 

You sat on the floor next to the bed - not able to get comfortable enough in the chair to doze off - and rested your head on the mattress near his hip. This wasn’t exactly ideal, either, your stitches itching and pulling as you settled in, but you didn’t care. You had to be close to Joel. Some pain was worth that. 

The next day, you were shaken awake by a frustrated Dr. Palmer who was taking over so Dr. Livingston could get some rest. 

“You are bound and determined to be your own worst enemy,” she muttered, forcing you back to your own bed. She checked you over, reluctantly told you that you were healing well with no sign of infection. The second her back was turned, you were back in Joel’s room. 

Ellie, Tommy and Maria came by again, all of you sitting in near silence, watching Joel, waiting for him to do something - anything - to indicate that he was still in there. 

The next day was less quiet. You were in your usual position in the seat by the head of Joel’s bed when Tommy and Ellie started getting into it. It didn’t sound like a new argument and, you realized, the bickering you’d been only vaguely aware of as you regained consciousness was probably them. 

“I’m not going to sit around here and fucking wait forever,” Ellie snapped. “I’m going out there, I’m going to find them and I’m going to kill every last fucking one of them.” 

“We need to wait,” Tommy said, voice strained. Ellie didn’t seem to care. 

“Wait for them to get further and further away?” She snapped. “Wait for them to come back with more people? No, it’s too big of a fucking risk. I’m going out there.” 

“Need to wait until I can go with you,” Tommy snapped. “Need to wait until we know…” 

Tommy’s voice trailed off. 

“Until we know what?” Ellie demanded. “Until we know whether or not they successfully murdered him? No, fuck that, I’m going to beat the shit out of her with a goddamn golf club, make her fucking feel it…” 

“No, you won’t,” you cut her off. 

“I won’t?” She asked, brows raised, almost daring you to argue with her. “You’re not my fucking mom, Bambi, you don’t get to tell me what the fuck I do or don’t get to do.” 

“You ever killed anyone, kid?” You asked, chin resting on your fist as you watched her. She just blinked at you for a moment. “And I mean people. Real people, not infected.” 

“Yeah,” she said, though her voice was less sharp. “Yeah, I have. Two.” 

“Alright,” you replied. “You torture them? You like killing them?” 

She was silent and just looked at her feet.

“That’s what I thought,” you looked back to Joel. “You’re not going after shit, kid…”

“I’m not a fucking kid!” 

“You’re his kid,” you shot her a glare before looking back at Joel. “And he wouldn’t want you murdering and torturing people for him.”

“But…” 

“No,” you said. “If… If he… If someone needs to handle it, it will be me and Tommy. We can take them and we can make it hurt. You’ll stay here. Not gonna just let you turn into a killer for him, he’d never forgive me. He’d never forgive either of us. One of the last things he said to me was to look out for you and you better goddamn well believe that’s exactly what I’m gonna do. You’re not going any damn place.” 

She stormed out but Savvy came that evening. She brought a deck of cards and the two of you played Go Fish like you used to when she was little. She told you Ellie was cooling off but she thought she’d be OK. 

“I don’t blame her,” she said, arranging some cards in her hand. “If someone did that to you, I’d want to kill them, too.” 

You looked at her for a moment. 

“I wouldn’t want you to,” you said gently. She looked at you over the cards, skeptical. “I mean it. You hear that something bad happened to me, you take it and move on. Don’t hurt yourself thinking that will fix it. It would only make it worse.” 

The day after that, Ellie brought you your guitar. It made Dr. Palmer look nervous but you promised to take it easy and that music was how you relaxed. 

“Just don’t get all worked up and play Freebird,” she muttered, leaving you alone with Joel and your instrument. 

“Why is everyone so obsessed with Freebird?” You asked a silent Joel as you delicately arranged the guitar on your lap, dodging the stitches in your stomach and leg as you did. “There’s better shit out there…” 

You played for him whatever came to mind. The song you’d written for him kept cropping up. So did the songs you’d played with him, slower and gentler things that you tried to pull from memory, even Take on Me because it got stuck in your head. 

“Do you think he can hear me?” You asked Dr. Palmer that afternoon. 

She stepped back from him and sighed for a moment, looking at you as though she were going to gauge her answer around your demeanor. 

“No one knows for sure,” she said eventually. “But… if he could hear anybody, I think it would be you.”

By the end of the second day with your guitar, your whole body was sore and tired but you didn’t move to go back to your own room. Both doctors had given up on forcing you. You nearly ripped their heads off when they suggested you go to your house for a day or two, try to get some real rest. It was bad enough that they’d surrendered to your stubborn need to be where you could see Joel at all times, no longer willing to fight over what they thought was better for you. 

It was quiet, dark. You weren’t entirely sure what time it was but you thought everyone in town besides those on watch were at home. You were as close to home as you got now, home could only be where Joel was. You weren’t sure how to find home without him now. 

You played the song you’d written for him one more time, soft and slow, before propping the guitar against the wall and sitting delicately on the edge of the bed, careful to not disturb him. You adjusted his arms a bit, putting them where you knew he would rest them if he could move them on his own. You gently brushed his hair back. His patchy beard was getting long in spots and you wondered if Ellie could bring scissors and a razor the next time she came so you could trim it for him, keep it how he liked. You drew the shirt of his you wore tighter to yourself and just looked at him for a moment. He was so beautiful, even like this. You needed him so badly, needed him to be OK. You needed to be able to wake up next to him again, kiss him on your way out the door again, make love to him again. He couldn’t be gone, not now. Not like this.

“Joel,” you said softly, barely even a whisper. “I know… I know I should probably tell you that if you need to go, it’s OK, that we’ll be OK but… I don’t think I can. I don’t know how to do this without you, I don’t want to do this without you. I need you, I’m not sure I can be a real person without you. If you’re already gone then… then knowing you was one of the best things that ever happened to me and I’m thankful for every goddamn second of it. But if you’re still there, if you can hear me… I need you to come back to me, Joel. Just… please. Don’t leave me, don’t leave the girls, I just… I will do whatever you want, just stay. Just come back to me. Please.” 

He was still below your touch but you leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his forehead, anyway, his skin soft and warm. A tear slipped from your eyelash and fell to his cheek but you didn’t move to wipe it away. You had the odd thought that maybe he would absorb it, that his skin would soak up your salt and your sadness and then, even if he didn’t come back, at least he’d have part of you in him when you put him in the ground. You wondered if you’d be able to join him. You slid off the bed and tucked your legs up against yourself, crossing your arms atop the mattress and resting your head there, drifting off to the sound of his breathing. 

***

All Joel really knew was that he was somewhere warm and soft. Warm and soft and kinder than where he’d been before, though the memory of just before was fuzzy. He remembered you, waking up with you, being inside of you, kissing you goodbye. He remembered watching Ellie ride off with her friend for their patrol. He remembered laughing with his brother about something but didn’t remember what. Everything after that was a haze of blood and pain. 

But he was warm now, somewhere that was familiar but he was having a hard time placing it. Grass and trees and a park bench that was more comfortable than it had any right to be, the sound of birds and cicadas on the air. But there were no other people. None that he could see, anyway. 

He heard voices now and then. There were some he knew were familiar but he couldn’t quite place. Others he’d have known anywhere. You, Ellie, Savvy, Tommy, Maria. It was a haze, he could make out the tones and the melodies of your speech but not the words. But that was OK. He knew all of you were close and that was enough. 

There was music, too. He would have recognized your playing from anywhere but it still seemed so obvious from wherever he was. But your music sounded sad, some kind of longing in it that wasn’t there when you usually played for him. He wanted to fix it, wanted to come from wherever he was and make it better. He just wasn’t sure that he could. But he kept hearing the song you made for him. That song was clearer than any other, so present he almost thought it was the version of it you’d recorded for him. But it wasn’t followed by the words he’d come to know so well in the months without you, the ones you’d added to the end of the tape that he listened to every night since you left. Every night until the one you came back to him. 

Come back to me, Joel. 

“Dad?” 

Joel looked around for a moment, heart pounding. He knew that voice, had heard it inside his head so many times through the years. But never like this, never this close. And then Sarah was in front of him, her curls a halo around her head, skin almost glowing in the golden sun. 

“Baby girl.” 

He realized where he knew this place from. It was a park in Austin that he took her to all the time when she was a little girl. The skyline was at his back if he could turn to face it, a playground down the hill to the right. She’d loved the open field, though. She loved being able to just run and run and run with nothing to hold her back. He tried to make himself get to his feet but he couldn’t. She just smiled. It was warm, gentle but more knowing than he’d remembered it being. But then, maybe he’d forgotten. Because otherwise, she looked exactly the same as the last time Joel had seen her, down to the clothes. Except her purple shirt wasn’t bloodstained now, her ankle wasn’t hurt. She was whole, healthy, the way she always should have been.

“Long time no see,” she sat beside him on the bench and he was able to reach her then. He reached for her slowly, cautiously, but he didn’t need to worry. She reached back, putting her arms around his neck. He held her, close and tight. She was warm and soft but the heat wasn’t coming from her. Instead it was like she was part of the place where he was, warm like the sun. She pulled back from him before too long but left a delicate hand on his knee. He tried to memorize her, make sure he knew the precise constellations of her freckles and the way her lashes framed her eyes. She looked him over and smiled that beautiful smile of hers. “You’re getting old, old man.” 

“Yeah,” he laughed a little, still not sure what to say to her. “Yeah, I know, baby girl. I know.” 

“I’ve missed you,” she was still smiling but it was sadder now. “A lot.” 

“I’ve missed you too,” he said, his voice wet. “So, so much. You have no idea how much…” 

“I know,” she said. “I’ve seen. You’ve been through a lot, Dad. So much. I wish I could have been there, I wish I could have helped you.” 

“That’s not your job…” 

“I know,” she said again. “But I still wanted to.” 

“How are you?” He asked. “I want to know everything, everything…” 

“I’ve been good,” she smiled. “I met your friend Tess. I like her. I liked her before, too, but even more now. She’s a lot like you, I’m glad you had her.” 

“How…” 

“Dad, I would love to tell you everything,” she cut him off. “But we don’t have time.” 

He frowned. 

“No,” he shook his head. “No, we didn’t get enough time before, but we should now, we…” 

“We will,” she reached out and took his hands. “Eventually. But not yet. You’ve gotten old, old man, but not old enough. You’re not supposed to be here yet. You still have a lot to do. You have people who need you, people who love you. They really, really love you, Dad. You need to go back for them. You’ve been here long enough.” 

Don’t leave me.

He looked up, looking for where your voice was coming from. Sarah just smiled. 

“She needs you,” she said. “And you need her.” 

She was right. He could feel that in every inch of him. He wanted to be next to you, wanted the life that he could have with you that had been so close when he’d left Jackson that morning. Just you and him and your girls. He wanted it so much it hurt. But how could he leave his daughter? His baby girl, the first baby girl he’d held, the first one he’d failed. How could he leave her again?

“Baby girl, I love them, too but I can’t just leave you here alone…” 

She smiled gently. 

“I’m not alone, Dad. And it’s OK if I’m not your whole world anymore,” she gave his leg a squeeze. “It’s OK if you have another purpose. I want you to be happy. Her, Ellie, Savvy… they make you happy. They’re your purpose now. You deserve that. Go be happy. I’ll be here when you’re done. We’ll have time then, too. I promise.” 

Just stay. 

“Go be with them, Dad,” she said. “Go be happy. We’ll be together when it’s time.” 

Just come back to me.

“I love you so much, Sarah,” he said, reaching out and holding her face in his hand. “So, so much.” 

Please. 

“I know,” she smiled. “And I love you too.” 

There was a wet spot on his cheek but he wasn’t crying. He frowned, touching his skin there, a tear clinging to his finger when he pulled it away. The place he was glowed brighter. Sarah’s face was somehow further away though neither of them had moved. He could feel himself fading from here, going back to where he was before. Part of him hurt with that, clinging to Sarah so hard that it seemed as though he was going to leave that part of him behind. But the rest of him was bringing him back, desperate to get to you, be beside you. That’s where he was supposed to be. He knew that now. He was always supposed to live. He was always supposed to flinch. He was always supposed to find you. 

“I’ll see you around,” she said. “Take care of yourself. Take care of them. I love you.” 

“I love you, too.” 

He didn’t have a chance to say goodbye.

Everything hurt. 

It was sudden and sharp, the place where he was abruptly dark and cold. He wasn’t sure he could move much, every part of him impossibly heavy. But he forced his eyes open, at least. He was flat on his back and in a bed. It took him a moment to realize where, but the fact that there was medical equipment near his head narrowed it down. He heard a soft, sleepy sound and forced himself to lift his head enough to look for it. It didn’t take him long to find you there, head resting near his waist. He smiled to himself. Part of him was just relieved that he hadn’t dreamed you coming back to him, relieved that you’d want anything to do with him at all now. 

He forced his arm to move, the limb unnaturally clunky, every motion pulling and tugging on damaged skin but he didn’t really care. He rested a hand on your head, smoothing your hair down, thumb brushing against your forehead. You startled and jerked awake, sitting up quickly and blinking sleep from your eyes. His hand fell to your arm when you did and looked around for a moment before your eyes fell on him, the glow of the moon on the snow illuminating your face in the dark. You frowned for a moment, your brows knitting together. 

“Hey sweetheart,” Joel managed, his voice dry and cracking. 

“Joel!” You scrambled to your feet, taking his hand and clinging to it as you did. “You’re here, you’re alive, you’re…” 

“I’m alright, baby,” he said gently. You sank slowly onto the bed at his waist, clutching onto his hand. “You OK?” 

“I’m OK,” you nodded quickly, your voice wet. “Tommy’s OK, Ellie’s OK, we’re all OK. I was so afraid, Joel. I was so afraid. I thought you were gone, I thought I lost you…” 

“I know,” he winced as he reached the hand you weren’t latched onto over to cup your face. “I’m so sorry, baby. Wasn’t tryin’ to go anywhere…” 

You lifted his hand to your lips and kissed his knuckles before holding his arm to your chest, clinging to it like a child does to a security blanket. 

“How are you feeling?” You asked, looking him up an down. “I can go wake up a doctor and…” 

“M’fine sweetheart,” he said, brushing a thumb over the arch of your cheekbone. “Don’t… don’t go anywhere, need you close. Just…” He did his best to shift himself so he wasn’t in the middle of the bed, wincing as he did. “Just be here. Let me hold you, OK?” 

“I don’t want to hurt you…” 

“You won’t,” he said gently. “Need to feel you. Just stay with me, baby. Please.” 

You sniffed but nodded before you moved gingerly to slip into bed beside him. You lay your head gently on his chest and he wrapped an arm around your shoulders, giving you a squeeze. It took a moment but he felt you relax against him, body molding to his own. He turned his head enough to brush his lips against your forehead. 

“I can’t lose you, Joel,” you said softly. “I can’t, I need you to stay.” 

“I’m here, baby,” he whispered, holding you as close as he could, everywhere your body met his a welcome distraction from the pain. “Not going anywhere.” 

Next Chapter

A/N: Yeah, sorry, I can't bring myself to kill Joel lol I love him too much, I need to let him have all the beautiful things he deserves to have.

Thank you so so much for being so patient with this chapter. I promise, I didn't intend to leave you hanging for weeks on end and I feel so bad that I did. Thank you for still reading and for being here. I feel like I've messed up a lot on how I've handled this fic lately - between not understanding how many folks didn't know the TLOU2 stuff and not giving proper warning and then posting that last chapter and not having this one lined up and ready to go - so thank you for not ditching me and this fic. It really does mean so much that you spend your time here with these characters.

Thank you again ❤️ Love you!

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[l-in-the-light]

The most embarrassing series of posts about Lawlu you will ever read: edition Dressrosa (part 6)

Two long posts in one day?? I guess I really wanted to get into "carrying Law like a bag of treasure" mini-arc that badly haha. Love is a hurricane so let's go!

Luffy's back to his "I don't have time for this" antics. He wants to save Torao, there's no time to be idle or to waste, alright!

Luffy's done with being patient and sticking to plans. He was interested in his life to stick to only one plan anyway, which he believes is shattered now. Too bad, Viola. You're just not Law.

Luffy has enough of waiting! Faster, faster! And again, not interested in any other plans, unless they're Law's. (yes, he asks about the plan, but only to complain. He's not gonna listen)

Torao's fine! Luffy looks really happy and he calmed down a bit and does he have a slight blush here or what lol. But like I told you all, he's not interested in listening to plans and idling around. He wants to go, go, go and he isn't even trying to understand what they're waiting for. This is the Luffy we all know, the "before Law" Luffy lol.

To understand why Law says that the alliance is finished, we need to rewind to his fight with Doflamingo. He said that to protect the Strawhats. In case Law gets captured and loses (and he expected to be defeated), cutting his ties with Strawhats should make them all leave the country, right? After all they will have no more business here because the whole alliance was focused on Law's plan, and once that is no longer their business, in Law's mind it means they will leave. After all that's what pirates do. They don't care about countries, old allies etc.

I mean, if it was anyone else than Strawhats, Law would be right, wouldn't he? He just didn't know them well enough yet at this point. He probably thought saving kids at Punk Hazard was just a whim on their part, a precedence, and normally they would only do such things for their friends. And Law isn't their friend, neither is anyone in Dressrosa.

Luffy: Omg Law I missed you so much!

Law: Not this again!

Luffy wastes no time anymore and is so, so happy to be able to rescue Law it's unreal. Meanwhile Law tries to push him away, shocked that he's here.

He tries three different tactics to push Luffy away: 1. You were supposed to take care of the factory, did you do it already? 2. The alliance is no more, scram from here 3. If you rescue me, I will be your enemy!

This is probably The Moment when Trafalgar Law realized Luffy treats him as a friend, someone to risk your life for to help. Law isn't having any of that. Luffy risks his life for friends, and Law wants the exact opposite: protect him no matter what. Those two desires clash here.

Luffy almost fell for it, to be fair. But then decides he will rescue Law no matter what he's saying. He did the same for Ace in Marineford, despite Ace screaming this is not his business, so why would Law's words stop him now?

I love how Luffy calls Law selfish. I mean, he's kinda right about it. Law doesn't take into account Luffy's feelings here. And Luffy also doesn't take Law's feelings into account here. It's a battle of who will rescue the other, lol. They're so hopeless, I swear...

Law's last attempt gets completely ignored. He again is dragged into Luffy's pace here and he knows it. He lost to Luffy, again. Hence why he will allow himself to "get saved" from this moment on, which I think makes Luffy actually happy - after all Ace didn't allow himself to be saved.

And yes, the "I'll kill you" is a lie. All things Ace said at Marineford to keep Luffy away were also lies. Those are all hints for us to connect the dots here. Not that anyone believed Law here anyway lol. There's just no way he would actually harm Luffy after trying to protect him for freaking two arcs now. But he would and will say just about anything, if it has even a slight chance of pushing Luffy away.

Now we have to address the elephant in the room. Does it all mean that Trafalgar Law was suicidal and actually expected Luffy to leave him to die? Well, yes and no. Yes, because he does care for Luffy more than he cares for himself, for multiple reasons (low self-esteem might be one of them actually). Let's not forget Luffy is the life he saved in Marineford. Saving lives means everything to Law.

No, because did you notice Viola magically spawned a key to Law's cuffs? Did you notice how prepared she was in this whole arc, even handing Sanji a map to secret factory, almost like she knew that's exactly the thing they're missing in their plan? Well. I think Law lied and did visit Dressrosa before. And made Viola his secret ally, a great chess piece on the board that's capable of making her own decisions and prepared in case Law needs a backup plan (remember fake cuffs in Punk Hazard? It's the same logic applied here. Law always covers ways to recover from precarious situations/possible emergencies/mistakes). In other words, getting captured by Mingo and rescued with help of his ally, was a part of his backup plan. Yes, he planned his own capture, you heard me right. It wasn't his plan A. Just a backup plan B or C.

You're welcome if that turned your understanding of Dressrosa's plot upside down. I'm always happy to deliver! Oh if you only knew how much of Law's plan was probably obscured from us. Because I don't think Viola is his only secret ally. Ofc you're free not to believe it and just accept the old truth fandom believes in, which is Law being a selfish suicidal idiot. Let's move on for now!

Important to remember: this is Law's narration here. After all he's the only one in this group that knows what Doffy's birdcage is, having experienced it before. He has a clear PTSD moment about it and speaks his actual mind here. Which is him being terrified that innocent people will die, all because Law's plan went to shit. He's most likely already blaming himself for that. This is definitely not the result he wanted, which might be one more reason why his original plan was so indirect in dethroning Doflamingo. He was hoping to avoid stuff like this.

Luffy taking care of Law's sword <3 Busy talking with Zoro over some stuff, meanwhile Law pays attention to Doffy's broadcast, because Luffy doesn't. Those two really fill each other's blank spots, and they do so naturally.

First time Law hears that Luffy is now after Doflamingo. He reacts to it, trying to make Luffy understand that it's a dangerous decision, assuming Luffy is just swayed by emotions.

And their wishes clash again. Law tells Luffy it's better to give it up and scramble. Law no longer tries to push Luffy away, he realizes he lost that battle already. But he's still not giving up on keeping Luffy safe. Ironic, considering he's practically helpless and cuffed here (but the key to the cuffs should be nearby). Just moments ago he clearly regretted the fact innocent people got dragged into this deadly game, but here he is trying to downplay it and even disregard it as not important.

Luffy's not having any of that. Either he heard his regret before and connected the dots, or he still deeply believes Law to be a good person. He expects him to want to help this country too. If Luffy doesn't doubt Law even once, no matter what Law has to say about it, why should we? Luffy's usually the best at reading people, their emotions and judging if they're good people or not. I definitely trust him when he calls someone a good person, and i think you all should as well.

What Luffy and Law are actually communicating here is this:

Law: "This is going too far, we should stop. We might lose our lives here" (as in: I don't want you to lose your life here).

Luffy: "This is no time to be worrying about that! We're already dragged in this!" Or even... "I'm not letting you give up everything just to protect my life! I will carry your wish to save Dressrosa!" (but I doubt Law understands it this way)

Of course Law is taken aback here. He doesn't understand why Luffy is so attached to this country already or why he made his final decision already (and we might also question it with him, because we saw how Luffy respected the plan before! Not even Rebecca or fake peace could sway him! And Law apparently was more aware of it than we expected him to be). It was less than a day. He will find out eventually though, because it will keep bugging him and be constantly on his mind, hence his immediate reaction:

And now he finally gets it. Yep, it was because of food. And it will be because of food again in Wano. It's not the full reason, but oh god it is hilarious. Neverending cycle of suffering for Law continues on.

I guess Luffy's deep interest in Law is reciprocated after all. Law is also unusually interested in things concerning Luffy and stuff about Luffy seems to be always on Law's mind.

Law already knows what's gonna happen, just by hearing "the direct one!!" answer. He still is in disbelief.

Neverneding cycle of suffering. No wonder he becomes a zen monk by Wano.

And it continues. He clearly doesn't enjoy the freestyle jumping off the cliff while being at someone else's mercy or being tossed around. Luckily for him, Luffy holds him tight.

Considering how he was just so heavily manhandled, you can't hold it against Law here that he's kinda petty. Also Luffy's panic is adorable, he's like "oh no, I totally messed it up" which he usually wouldn't care much about, but now he's literally carrying Law with him, so it's no longer about his own safety (he doesn't care) but Law's (he cares about that a lot). And can I just point out since Luffy grabbed Law he never lets him go anymore? Yeah, he loses him occassionally, but never lets Zoro carry him even for a second. Nope, Luffy's gonna carry his own treasure the whole way all up to Mingo's castle and no one's gonna put hands on it!

And I believe this to be the reason. Luffy knows that the whole Doflamingo's Family got a beef with Law, but also normal citizens would be trying to get Law, and Law is still wearing seastone cuffs so can't do much. So Luffy takes it upon himself to take care of him now! And he's so overprotective he won't let anyone else do that!

And again, it's mutual. Law, despite his position, will still fret over Luffy's wellbeing all the time. My god, can they just stop being so obvious? Worry for yourself for once, Law!

He worries and worries some more and doesn't even complain when he lands face first on the ground.

Special mention for Luffy caring about innocent people, because this proves to Law that Luffy actually does care deeply about things like that! By Wano Law will accept it as the truth and Luffy's general MO.

I wonder how it felt when Luffy laughed while holding Law on his arm like that. Law must have felt him laughing through the vibrations in his own body. It's just... so casually intimate between them. Of course Law doesn't miss the chance to actually scold them both, because they do attract unneccessary troubles on them and they're already in bad spot. Law's worrying never ends!

I just wanna point it out: Luffy is falling here, but he still holds Law close, refusing to let him go.

This is here just so you can also stare at both of them lying down at the same time, because that's so rare, whenever Luffy's not on guard, Law usually is, but not here. Here they're just both little sheeps and Zoro has to step up his game instead. Maybe on some subconscious level, Law actually feels safe when Luffy carries him, because he felt safe when Corazon carried him forever ago as well.

I just love how Luffy realizes what Cavendish is up to and rescues Law. And there we go, the infamous "crewmate" debate. Let's start with Luffy. Many people assume Luffy just lied here to protect Torao, because that's the easiest option. But it doesn't take into account Luffy's personality. Luffy never jokes about crewmate's status and if he calls you one, he actually means it (yes, I do believe he tried to seriously recruit zombie tree and Kinemon's legs. He was so deeply disappointed when he found out Kin's legs aren't a seperate entity!). Luffy means every word he said here and he only voices it outloud exactly because it will help keep Cavendish away from Law. And it's not the first time the "nakama" thing is hinted at:

He says it here as well. "My crew's life is more important than flame-flame fruit". But at this point none of the Strawhats is in any immediate danger. Law though, is, indeed.

But when did Luffy start to think of Law as his crewmate? Punk Hazard? Dressrosa after he saw Law being shot? Well, my personal bet is right after Marineford. Because by rescuing him Law proved to Luffy he's a good person. And that's all Luffy needs to want someone as a crewmate. It does help though that he saw Law fight and must consider him really strong.

There's one interesting thing here though. Usually when Luffy declares someone his crewmate/nakama, he would pursue them no matter what. But in Law's case, he just... waits. Seems he wants Law to be the one to make the final decision, and until he does, Luffy will wait for him forever. You think I'm reaching? Watch till we get to Wano haha.

Funny thing is, Zoro caught up on that before Luffy even put it into words. Let's remind ourselves of Zoro's sword languague in Water 7 for a moment:

He explains he doesn't pick sides and he draws his sword a bit and closes it again ("clicking" it) to make the point. He also gives his friends a choice: they need to decide now whether Robin is an enemy or a crewmate (original uses the nakama word). Now fast forward to Dressrosa:

Zoro does the same gesture from Water 7 and it's meant for Law. He's telling him basically the same message here "choose your side, are you with us (nakama) or against us (enemy)." It's right after Luffy and Law quarrel about fleeing or staying and helping the country. Law is also a swordsman, he most likely understood the message, hence his shocked reaction, because he was faced with an ultimatum from Luffy's wingman.

And what's Law's stance on it? He clearly refused there, right? "I'm not!" but that was before he was ready to give his actual answer, so of course he would be mad, he semi-expected this is Luffy deciding things for him. He realizes just a moment later that it's actually not the case and why Luffy said it, hence he shuts up. He shares his final decision only after Zoro leaves to fight Pica and I bet you anything it was on purpose, he was avoiding giving his actual answer in front of the other. Maybe he just thinks Zoro's crazy and might indeed treat him as an enemy as the result... or maybe, just maybe, he is actually torn. I mean, he's allowed to feel confused, he just evolved from a friend to a crewmate in a matter of one hour or less.

Law's hat is on and so is Luffy's, at the exact same time. Shared solidarity <3

Law isn't often taken aback by Luffy, but here he is. I guess it's the first time he sees Luffy so stupidly stubborn over something and the realization hits him like a truck. Yes, Law, Luffy can be just as stubbornly petty as you, are you up for the competition? Seeing your face I would assume that's a "no" haha. He might later on.

Law: Too close! (he's making a very uncomfortable expression and Jeef is leaning all over him).

Luffy: Hands off and get off!!

It looks like Luffy wants to protect Law, but actually I think he's just trying to literally push the guy off so he can win the petty competition of who reaches Doffy first. I'm sure Law appreciated Luffy pushing the guy off.

But it can be also because Luffy wanted Jeef and Abdullah to get away from his treasure that he tugged on Moocy right behind himself lol.

Should we ask ourselves another question? Why is Law allowing himself to be handled this way? There are actually multiple possible reasons for that: 1. He decided that no matter what Luffy wants he will tag along with it, there's no way he's leaving Luffy alone to face Mingo 2. He actually likes being carried around (we have Corazon to thank for that) 3. He's actually too weak in those cuffs to get himself to that palace. Which would explain why he doesn't even try to sit up while on Moocy or why his guard wasn't on around Cavendish, normally he wouldn't allow himself a mistake like that, no matter how much Luffy manhandled him. Though like I said before, I don't exclude "trust" as the partial reason as well. I just don't think it would be enough to make Law stop fretting and worrying.

The love adventures of Luffy carrying Law around will continue in next part!

[im-so-normal-iswear]

omg!! thank you for your oneshot/headcanons. i love it. don't worry, it was absolutely great!! can you please write yandere headcanons of shadow or sonic with a gambler!reader? I'm sorry for requesting so soon, i just really liked your writing-

No problem! Sorry I took some time to finish lol. I'll do some of both.

Yandere!sonic x gambler!reader

Sonic gets it

Hes an andrennaline junkie himself, whos he to judge?

Tbh i could see him being a gambler himself, he's made a fair amount of very serious gambles, whos to say he wouldn't just gamble in general.

He'd def try to impress you with stuff while at a casino, like how fast he can shuffle cards, count chips etc.

While he does trust you to make smart desicions (somewhat) l, he does still watch you like a hawk. Whether your gambling too high, odds aren't exactly in your favor, someone is being a creep to you etc. He will def just drag you out.

You have gotten banned from some casninos from him dragging you out.

At times he might get just a bit worried about you gambling alot.

"Maybe tone down on that stuff just a bit?"

If it comes to a point where youre seriously broke, he might "help you out" a little. No its not cheating, they shouldn't have left their cards out and about, its really their fault for being careless

Anyways on the more yandere side, while he likes watching you play, he hates seeing you do it with random other people.

Hed probably force you to gamble with him a lot, it makes him feel better, especially if he wins, he wins a lot, he peeks at your cards

If you do lose a lot of money, you'll get it back by the next day, sonic handing it to you.

Don't question it.

Yandere!Shadow x gambler!reader

Shadow is VERY protective of you, so he disapproves of your gambling habit. He sees it as reckless and dangerous, something that could tuin your life or attract bad people.

Whenever you take risks or place high bets, Shadow is right there, watching closely, ready to step in if things get out of hand.

While your playing poker, blackjack etc. etc. He will be standing right behind you, glaring menacingly at all other players but then being perfectly fine when you turn your head.

To keep you "safe", Shadow might cheat, help you out, either by intimidating other players or using his skills to ensure you win just enough to stay satisfied without losing too much.

He doesn’t care about money, he just wants you safe, ensuring no harm comes to you from losing or angering the wrong people.

Shadow secretly tracks every move you make, especially when you're at the casino or playing cards.

If anyone tries hitting on you or is just being snarky for no reason, he’s quick to getbthwm off your hands.

Hes always ensuring no one gets too close or tries to take advantage of your gambling tendencies

Shadow has no problem with intimidation. If you lose a game and someone demands payment, Shadow will loom behind you, giving a dark, threatening look that makes the other party back off.

If it comes to a point where you keep gambling and losing more and more money, he won't let you leave the house

Really, if you can't pay attention in gambling, how is he supposed to know you can pay attention to your surroundings, what if you got hurt because you were not paying attention?

No, he can't risk it, he won't risk it.

These were kind of short, so sorry 🥲

[oizysian]

X. PUMPKIN

All Eyes on Me masterlist

Word count: 2.1k

AN: I’m so sorry I haven’t updated this on here lately. I’m gonna catch up with everything soon!

•

"I can't believe I just spent a whole day with Lizzie and Robbie."

"Robbie? That's her husband isn't it?" Claire questioned.

"Mhm."

"How were you able to keep your cool around Lizzie with Robbie there?"

"I just kinda ... zoned out a lot. He's really nice and he made an effort to get to know me, but I can't help but feel guilty when I'm around him."

"Why?"

"Because I'm in love with his wife!" I threw my hands up in frustration, my headset almost falling off my head with the sudden action.

"Y/N, listen," I held my breath as I waited for her to continue speaking. "Don't feel guilty. You can't help it if she likes you."

"Which she doesn't. Not like that."

"Says you. What did Brie say?"

I groaned, the memory of our kisses hitting me like a ton of bricks.

"She thinks she likes me." I mumbled. "But, she likes me too."

"She? She as in Brie?"

"Uh huh. We ... kinda ... kissed."

"You what?!"

"We were drunk and high and she was busting my balls about liking Lizzie so I kissed her to prove I wasn't in love with her."

"And did that work?"

"No."

She sighed and I began to feel even more guilty. Between Robbie and Brie, I was never gonna get any sleep at night.

"What a surprise." Sarcasm dripped from her words. "Why can't you just be honest with yourself - and your friends."

"I'm not being honest with Lizzie. She can't know I have feelings for her. It would make things weird."

"Don't you think she's smart enough to figure it out eventually?"

"I mean, yeah, probably, but by then I'm hoping I'll be over it."

"Doubtful, but good luck with that."

"Thanks so much. You're no damn help."

"Yes I am. You just don't like my advice."

"Okay. What's your advice?"

"Keep hanging out with Lizzie and try to see if she's interested - married or not." She stopped me before I could interject. "If she is, see where it goes. If not, then at least she's your friend."

"I was just gonna skip the first part and just stay friends with her."

"Go ahead and do that, then. But, you're gonna suffer not knowing if there could've been anything between you if you don't test the waters."

I was quiet for a moment, taking in her words and thinking hard about them. She was right, of course she was. But, the risk of losing Lizzie as a friend just to see if we could be more than that, which was nearly an impossibility anyway, outweighed any feelings I had for her. I didn't want to lose her in any capacity. I just had to stop liking her like that.

"I'll think about it. I just ... I really like her. As a friend, even. I don't want to lose her 'cos of some schoolgirl crush."

"You're definitely not crushing. The way you talk about her." She let out a dry chuckle. "You're absolutely in love."

"She doesn't even know me. She'd think I was insane if I told her I had feelings for her. We've only hung out three times."

"Once for like three days though."

"Two days."

"Okay, two days. So, that's a weekend. Plus all the constant texting."

I sighed, rubbing my eyes tiredly. This was the worst situation I had ever been in and it was all my own fault.

"Look," I started. "I know you mean well, but I'm just gonna stay friendly with her. If something happens, that's great! But, I won't be making the first move. Or any moves."

"Whatever you feel you should do, I'll support your decision."

"Thanks, bestie. I really appreciate you listening to all my griping."

"That's what I'm here for. Now get your head in the game. I'm tired of reviving you."

"Sorry." I laughed. "I just have a lot on my mind lately."

"I know."

She was interrupted by my phone going off, indicating that I got a text.

"Is it Lizzie?" She asked excitedly and I shrugged to myself.

"Not sure. I'm playing the game, not looking at my phone. Like you told me to."

"Oh my god, just look at your phone. I'm dying from the suspense."

I hid myself in a bush while I checked my phone. It was Lizzie.

"Well?" Claire asked with excitement in her voice.

"Lizzie wants to hang out before she heads back to LA for some business."

"And? Are you gonna see her?"

"Of course I am." I stared at the message for another moment before I felt my controller vibrate, signaling I was being shot at. "Shit."

I put my phone down and got myself back into the game. The intensity of the game provided silence, which gave me ample time to think.

"You didn't see how she looked at him, though." I said quietly. "She looked at him with stars in her eyes."

"And what about you? How do you look at her?"

I was silent. I knew how I looked at her, it had been pointed out to me few times already. But, what did that matter? She only had eyes for him.

"I look at her like she's the only beautiful thing in the world."

"Exactly, you mush."

"But, she doesn't look at me like that."

"Maybe she does and you haven't noticed."

"Maybe." I whispered to myself, my eyes flickering to my phone as it went off again.

I'm outside.

"Shit, I gotta go, Claire."

"But, there's only two teams left! We gotta finish this game!"

I hesitated for a moment before relenting.

"Damn, okay, let's kill them quickly, then."

We continued to play, my mind on the blonde outside my apartment rather than the game I was in. She was waiting for me and I was playing some stupid game.

I rushed into the battlefield, shooting indiscriminately to try and end the game quickly. I killed absolutely no one and got myself downed, which left Claire alone to win the game.

I picked up my phone and started texting Lizzie, telling her I was being held up and I'd be out in a moment.

Claire was able to clutch the game and we won, but I still was in another world.

"Go get your girl. You're not here with me anyway." She laughed and I sighed apologetically.

"Sorry, I'm going. I'll talk to you later."

I shut my game and tossed my headphones on the bed before rushing to the door, slipping my shoes on and practically running out to meet her. Brie was right, I was down bad.

As I approached her car, she smiled and I couldn't help but smile back. Her smile was damn infectious and I was happy to catch it.

I opened the passenger door and got in, closing it swiftly and buckling up.

"So what was so important that you kept me waiting fifteen minutes?" She asked playfully, a mock angry look on her face.

I laughed and raised my hands in surrender.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I was in a game when you messaged me. I had to finish what I started."

"Mhm." She grumbled, a small smile still lingering on her face as she started to drive.

I leaned back in the seat as we fell into a comfortable silence, the soft music coming from the radio all but ignored as we took in each other's presence. 

"Where are we going?" I asked after a few moments, my curiosity getting the better of me.

"I was wondering when you were gonna ask." She giggled, her eyes shifting from the road to me and then back again. "We're going someplace yummy."

"McDonald's?" I asked excitedly.

"Yummier." She laughed, shaking her head.

"What could be yummier than McDonald's?"

"Absolutely anything. Wendy's for example."

"Oof. She's got superior burgers, but McDonald's fries all the way."

"Fair enough. But no, we're not getting fast food."

"Bummer."

"Hush." She said as she lightly smacked my thigh with her right hand. "You'll love it."

"Oh," I whimpered pathetically, holding my leg. "The pain."

"Aw, poor baby." She teased. "Here," she kissed her hand and placed it on my leg, and my heart fluttered. "All better."

"All better." I repeated, dazed from her actions, and currently riding a high from her touch.

She left her hand there for a moment longer than she probably should have before giving me a pat and returning her hand to the steering wheel.

"Do I get a hint?"

"You already got a hint!" She laughed.

"Yummier than McDonald's is not a hint."

"Well, that's all you're getting."

I huffed playfully and sunk into the seat, noting how damn comfortable it was.

"I could fall asleep in this seat." I told her, closing my eyes briefly before opening them again and looking at her.

She had been staring at me as we were stopped at a red light. A faint blush crossed her cheeks and she had a small smile on her lips. How long was she looking at me?

"It's green." I whispered and she snapped out of her stupor, returning her focus and attention to the road.

I smiled to myself, thinking that maybe, just maybe, she could be looking at me the way she looked at Robbie. Maybe I could be someone special to her.

We drove for a while longer before she pulled up in front of a small ice cream shop somewhere in the city.

"Ice cream!" I cheered as I unbuckled my seatbelt and got out of the car. I looked at the signs on the windows, my face dropping when I saw the seasonal flavors. "Oh no, pumpkin."

"Oh yes, pumpkin." She smirked as she stood next to me. "You're gonna love it."

"Can I get a different flavor and taste yours?"

She thought for a second before nodding, playfully nudging me.

"Of course, silly. What flavor would you like?" She asked as we entered.

"Chocolate." I hummed softly. "Chocolate sounds so good right now."

"Pumpkin sounds even better."

"Absolutely not." I laughed.

We walked up to the counter and she ordered for us, which I was grateful for, and as I was about to pull out my wallet, she beat me to it and paid with her card.

"My treat."

"Lizzie." I whined and she smiled at me. "You can't keep spoiling me like this."

"Says you."

We got our cones and sat down in a booth hidden away in a corner. She sat facing away from the door and I sat across from her.

"This is so good." I spoke as I ate, chocolate undoubtedly getting all over the place.

"I see that." She laughed softly, offering me her cone. "Just try it. One lick."

I looked from her to the cone, wincing as I remembered I promised to try it.

"Stick out your tongue ..." she said as she raised it up to my lips.

Without a second thought, I did what I was told, taking a generous amount of ice cream onto my tongue.

"Good girl."

I would've choked if I hadn't already swallowed the mildly repulsive treat. She smiled widely as my face went from disgust to indifference, taking that as a win.

"I've tasted worse things."

"I told you."

"No. You told me it was good. I didn't say it was good."

"Oh, c'mon." She laughed and I laughed with her.

"It's okay. Chocolate is definitely better."

"Lemme taste yours."

I took another lick of my ice cream to get the pumpkin off my tongue before holding the cone out to her, watching as she kept eye contact with me as she licked delicately at my ice cream.

Jesus shit fuck -

"Y/N? Earth to Y/N?" I snapped out of my daze and returned my attention to her, an amused smile on her face. "You okay?"

"I'm great." I smiled back, realizing that if she wanted to play that game, even just in a friendly way, we could play that game.

I reached across the table and ran my thumb along her lower lip, wiping the remains of my ice cream off of her mouth.

She sat, dazed, mouth slightly agape as I wiped off my finger with a napkin, holding back every urge in my body to stick it in my mouth and suck it clean.

When she snapped out of her daze, she picked up a napkin, leaned across the table, and started wiping my entire face.

"Hey!" I cried, laughing at her actions. "I'm not that dirty!"

"That's what you think." She giggled, finally bringing the napkin to my mouth and wiping it clean. "There. Now you're all clean."

"Thank you, mom." I started eating my ice cream again, careful to keep myself spotless.

She hummed as she ate her ice cream, and we sat in, yet another, comfortable silence, just enjoying each other's company. Maybe Claire was right. Maybe there could be something between us. Or this was just harmless, friendly flirting. There was only one way to find out, whether I liked it or not.

•

@oh-thats-cute @marvelwomen-simp @dorabledewdroop @scarlie-johalsen-blog @annie-ahmelia

[maximoffcarter]

I'll be here.

Pairings: Casey Novak x Alex Cabot.

Warnings: Mention of shooting.

Summary: Casey Novak was censured after a Brady violation. She felt ashamed of what had happened so she decided to push everyone away. Little did she know that destiny had other plans, and she crosses paths once again with the one and only Alexandra Cabot.

A/n: A surprise fic on a random Friday? Yep, definitely😌 A soft (and angsty) Calex fic, there was an episode that helped me think of this idea (also we not liking Kim Greylek here as usual) and @saurgaeee also helped create this. Though yes...it does have angst. I’m slowly recovering and I had this in my drafts, so I decided to post it, and I promise the rest will come (eventually😭) and I’ll do an update of fics that are coming next week🫶🏻 Keep the requests coming you guys! Enjoy and leave your comments, reblogs, hearts, whatever you'd like, will be very much appreciated🫶🏻 (not proofread)

*not my gif*

Casey Novak had made it her mission to not let anyone intimidate her once she started in Sex Crimes. Going to Law School, the last thing she expected was to end up where she was at the moment. After working with Mary Clark, she really thought that she wanted to be like her and if she could stay with her, her life would probably be easier. Working in White Collar had definitely taught her a lot, but the things she learned in Sex Crimes were beyond her knowledge. Of course she knew it wouldn’t be easy, she knew what she was getting herself into, and after trying to talk to Branch the first time, she knew there was no way out, and to be honest, she didn’t mind. She knew the squad saw her as someone tough and that really didn’t care about the victims, but she did, she really did care for them, she cared about the case, she wanted to get them the justice they deserved, she’d do anything for them, even if it meant getting herself in trouble.

But the last thing she expected was to go beyond her limits and get to the point where she had risked her career for a case that still ended up going to the trash, no matter how they had handled it, she knew the case would end up going bad for them and there was nothing they could’ve done to fix it. And yet, she risked her job and her license, and here she was now; sitting at the bar after standing for an hour or so before the bar listening to them talking about the lack of professionalism that she had in this case, and that she was lucky enough to not lose her license, they were taking in consideration something that Elizabeth Donnelly had told them, and that was the only reason she was still given a chance to keep her license, but…she would be censured for three years. She honestly expected worse after the conversation she had with Elizabeth, she expected them to really take away her license, but thankfully they didn’t.

Now she was sitting at the bar thinking of all the decisions she had taken in the last few years, trying to figure out what she was supposed to do next. What was she supposed to work in? She was lost, she was confused as to why she let this happen to her; what was done, was done. She had to pay for what she did, even if the consequences destroyed her. The squad had tried to call her to find out what had happened, even Elizabeth had tried to call, but Casey couldn’t bear the thought of telling them that she was not coming back to SVU, someone else would tell them, they’d have another ADA. After five years of working with them, there would be a new ADA, and she really believed that she’d work with them until she couldn’t do it anymore. But this was on her, and no one else. She asked for another drink, maybe the fourth or fifth, she had lost count of them now, but she didn’t care. She had nothing better to do anyway. For a moment her eyes registered the whole bar, knowing this was a bar that the squad normally came to, and she hoped she wouldn’t find anyone here, but then her eyes landed on someone; a blonde. She frowned as she tried to focus her eyes, the drinks now getting to her. It couldn’t be, could it?”

“Casey Novak.”

Casey’s eyes widened a bit as Alexandra Cabot stood right in front of her. “Alex…you’re back.”

Alex chuckled softly as she nodded. “Yeah, well…I was missing New York and I thought that it was finally time to come back.” She grinned. “May I sit with you?”

Casey nodded. “I’m here on my own so…some company won’t hurt.” She grinned as she looked at Alex, resting her head against her hand. “So, Alexandra Cabot is really back.”

Alex nodded as she smiled. “Sort of.” She looked at Casey. “I’m helping McCoy with some cases right now.”

“Are you making your great comeback to SVU?” Casey smiled, even if it hurt her to ask the question.

Alex frowned. “Why would I? They have you.” She grinned.

Casey sighed as she looked at her drink and shook her head. “Not anymore, Cabot.” She finished her drink and placed the empty glass in front of her.

Alex looked at her with a confused look, completely lost. “What do you mean?”

“I was censured for three years.” Casey looked back at Alex with a serious look. “Brady violation.”

Alex tilted her head. “Case…”

“I did this to myself, Alex. No need to feel sorry for me.” Casey offered a sad smile. “Liz is right…I lost perspective.”

“She did this?”

“I mean, I’m sure Petrovsky talked to her, and then Liz decided that it was for the best. I’m sure she thought that if I got away this time, then I’d do it again, and she couldn’t allow that to happen.” Casey looked down at her empty glass and shrugged. “I deserve it, Alex. I shouldn’t have done this. And either way…things went bad.”

Alex grabbed Casey’s hand on hers, making her look back at Alex. “You did what you had to do, Casey. This job…sometimes we cannot help it, and we do the things that we think are right. And I’m sure you did this for a good reason.”

Casey shook her head as she felt her eyes getting teary. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now, Alex.” She whispered softly.

Alex sighed softly as she stood up, wrapping her arms around Casey, hugging her tightly. “I’ll be here, Casey. You’re not gonna go through this alone.”

********************

Alex had been quiet on her return to Manhattan, she had agreed with McCoy that she’d be helping him with some cases, ending up working in appeals. She had made sure that her comeback hadn’t been the big deal around the office or out of the office, still not ready to let the squad know that she was back just yet. She had heard that there was a new ADA, there were rumors going around her own office about Sex Crimes, and as much as she wanted to know them, she knew that there was no point in getting involved in any of that. She also knew that if Casey ever found out that they were talking about her and now getting involved in talks about the new ADA, would hurt her. Alex had spent most of her time checking in on Casey, after work, she always headed back to Casey’s, for dinner, for movie night, to go out to drink, anything that kept Casey busy. For the first four months, Casey had decided to give herself a small break and had decided to just spend some time for herself going to therapy, Alex being the only person to know what Casey was doing with her life. Alex had tried to convince her to not push away people, she knew that she hated the fact that she didn’t have anyone when she was away, but Casey made it clear that she was just not ready to talk to them.

Now, six months later, she was helping Mary Clark in whatever she was able to do. It was at least something and it would keep her busy and distracted. She had to admit that finding Alex that night at the bar had saved her in so many ways from drowning in her own sorrow, Alex kept pushing her and kept her from falling, and she was so thankful. Both women had created a routine that at first annoyed Casey a little because she knew that Alex just didn’t want to leave her alone and she wanted to keep checking on Casey every possible chance she had, but she loved it. She loved having Alex in her apartment, she loved having her company, she loved seeing how hard Alex tried to keep her smiling and laughing, even if that meant that she had to make a fool of herself…she loved Alex.

It was obvious before, when she was working at White Collar and heard about the famous Alexandra Cabot, she admired her. And then running into her every now and then, developing a crush had been impossible to avoid. Finally being able to meet her when she was back to help them with the Connors trial, and being able to spend some time with her, really did get her crush to be more solid and Casey wished every single day that she had been brave enough to say something but then, Alex was gone again. Now having her in her apartment every single day was a bit of torture as she didn’t want to say anything that could ruin what they were building. Casey definitely needed someone in her life, and that someone was Alex, and she was not about to lose her for some stupid feelings.

“Case?” Alex asked as she closed the door behind her.

“Living room!” Casey sighed as she typed something in her laptop, her brows furrowed as she stared at the screen.

Alex chuckled softly as she walked into the living room, smiling. “I suppose you got yourself a hard job?”

“Just doing some research and trying to put everything together to send it to Mary.” Casey sighed again and then looked up at Alex. “Was expecting you later.” She smiled.

“Well, I got done with work before I thought, so I decided to bring some take out and show up earlier.” Alex smiled as she sat down beside Casey, looking at her laptop for a moment. “I think I should hire you to do our research for us. At least for me.” She grinned, looking back at Casey.

Casey rolled her eyes playfully and closed her laptop, putting it aside. “Please don’t. I have enough with what Mary asks me to do to.” She huffed a chuckle and shook her head. “She’s so happy I’m working with her again, and I’m just wondering when it’s going to end.”

Alex tilted her head as she smiled. “It’ll be over before you know it, Case.”

Casey looked back at Alex and smiled. “I know.”

“And I’ll be here to see the day it happens.” Alex smiled as she placed her hand on Casey’s squeezing it tightly.

Casey stared at Alex for a moment, trying to form the words for her the question she wanted to ask. “Why are you doing this, Alex?”

Alex frowned. “Doing what?”

“Being here with me. Supporting me. Pushing me so I don’t fall. We barely knew each other before, and now…we spend every day together.” Casey smiled a little, trying to hide the fact that she was happy about it.

Alex smiled and shrugged. “I know I hated to be alone back when I was in Witness Protection. I know it’s a completely different thing but…I don’t want you goin through this alone, Casey.”

Casey nodded softly as she smiled. “Thanks.”

Alex took a deep breath as she looked down at their hands. “There could be another reason, though.”

Casey frowned as she stared at Alex. “Elizabeth didn’t ask you to look out for me, did she?”

Alex huffed a laugh as she shook her head, looking back at Casey. “No, she didn’t. She doesn’t know I’ve been seeing you, she just knows I’m back.”

“Then, what is the other reason?”

“I don’t think I can tell you. I…I don’t want to ruin what we have.” Alex offered a sympathetic smile.

Casey’s heart stopped for a moment as she stared at Alex, unsure of what Alex could mean but also hoping that it was what she thought. “Nothing could ruin it, Alex.”

“I’m not sure about that.” Alex looked back at their hands, sighing softly. “Casey…”

“Say it, Alex.” Casey said softly, her eyes searching for blue ones.

Alex took a deep breath as she stared back at Casey. “At first…it was because I wanted to be here for you. For you to not go through this alone. But…” she huffed a chuckle. “I always had this…crush…since the first time I saw you.” She grinned. “I was just never brave enough to say it, and then I had to leave again. And seeing you in that bar…I thought it was my chance.” She shrugged. “I don’t want you to think that I’m taking advantage of the situation, I mean…I really do care about you, and I don’t want you going through this alone and I-“

“I have feelings for you too.” Casey suddenly snapped, a faint smile on her face.

Alex frowned, unsure if she had heard Casey right. “You do?”

Casey smiled softly, thinking about what she could say next, but then she decided to do something instead of using words. She wetted her lips before she leaned in and placed her hand on Alex’s neck, bringing their lips together. Alex gasped softly, letting go of Casey’s hand, her eyes widened for a second, not sure what she was supposed to do now. Casey felt that Alex was not moving and thought that maybe she had made a mistake, so she pulled away, but before she could fully move back to her spot, Alex’s hands went to Casey’s waist and pulled her into her lap, her lips attaching to hers again. Casey couldn’t help but smile against her lips, her hands tangling in Alex’s hair while Alex’s hands went up and down her back, pulling her closer. The kiss was slow and tender, until Casey’s tongue teased Alex’s bottom lip, making her moan softly and giving her full access. They finally parted ways as air became a necessity, resting their foreheads against each other’s, smiling and chuckling.

“Bold of you to not use words.” Alex teased as she chuckled, looking at Casey as she smiled.

Casey shrugged. “Sorry, I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time.” She bit her lip as she smiled, her hand stroking Alex’s cheek. “So now you see that you’re not ruining anything.”

Alex’s smile widened. “I know that now.” She sighed softly, her hand sneaking under Casey’s shirt and tracing patters in her skin. “Are you willing to try this?” She whispered softly.

“I’m in if you are.” Casey smiled softly. “I…have not been with anyone in years. I’m scared but…I do wanna try.”

“I won’t hurt you. We’ll figure things out together.”

Casey nodded. “We’ll figure things out together.” She smiled as she leaned in to kiss her lips again.

********************

“So, you’re our ADA temporarily?” Olivia asked as she leaned over her desk, crossing her arms as she stared at Alex.

Alex nodded as she smiled. “Temporarily. Unless until they get a new ADA.”

Olivia nodded. “I’m glad it’s you and not Greylek anymore.”

“Was she that bad?” Alex grinned.

Olivia sighed. “I mean…sort of? She did her job but…we couldn’t handle her.” She shook her head. “She talked badly about Casey.”

Alex sighed. “What did she say?”

“’Those days are gone since Casey Novak lied to a judge and got disbarred.’” Olivia scoffed. “She’s lucky I didn’t slap her. I was so close to it, but she left.”

“She’s lucky I wasn’t here.” Alex rolled her eyes. “No one talks about Casey like that.”

Olivia stared at Alex for a moment but nodded. “Yeah. She was out of line, and I failed to protect Casey…again.” She shook her head. “We should’ve protected her.”

“Liv, she did what she did for a reason, and if she didn’t want to drag you guys with her, it was her decision. It was out of your control.”

Olivia nodded. “I know.”

“Does Elliot know about this?”

“I don’t think we’d want to know what Elliot had to say about it.” Munch shrugged. “But we definitely didn’t agree with Greylek.”

“No one ever did. We played it cool for our own sake.” Fin shook his head. “Like Olivia said, we would’ve done something for Casey.”

Olivia huffed a chuckle. “No, I didn’t tell him. He’d have gone off.”

Alex shrugged. “It wouldn’t have been bad, you know?” She grinned.

Olivia chuckled. “Well, he doesn’t have to know about it, she’s long gone now.”

“I’d have definitely told Elliot.”

“Tell me what?” Both Olivia and Alex turned back to find Elliot just a few feet away from them, a frown on his face. “What?”

Alex stared at Olivia for a moment and hen back at Elliot. “Not my thing to say, but Olivia does have something to say.” She grinned as she crossed her arms.

Olivia looked back at Alex and sighed. “I-“ she turned back to look at Elliot and shook her head. “It’s really nothing.”

Elliot raised his brow. “Right…I don’t think I believe you.”

Alex sighed as she rolled her eyes. “Greylek talked shit about Casey, and Olivia was ready to slap her, but she escaped.” She shrugged.

Olivia slapped her arm playfully. “Alex! Seriously?”

“What did she say?” Elliot frowned again, walking to both women. “Did she insult Casey?”

Olivia sighed. “Not exactly, I mean…she made a comment about Casey getting disbarred and that things had changed around here since she was not here anymore.”

Elliot took a deep breath. “Was it just that time?”

Olivia shook her head. “No.”

“Ah, I see you have a new ADA. Alexandra Cabot is back.” Kim walked to them and offered a smile.

Everyone turned to look at her, not expecting to see her back. Elliot turned to look at her and sighed. “You thought it was okay to talk badly about Casey?”

Kim frowned. “Excuse me?”

“Casey was part of us. Whatever you had to say about her, we don’t care. You have no right to talk shit about her.”

Kim scoffed. “She did something illegal. She deserved to be disbarred.”

“She was not disbarred, I don’t know where you got that from.” Alex snapped as she stood beside Elliot.

Kim stared at both of them, scoffing again as she shook her head. “Well. It’s what she deserved after what she did. If they let her walk without any consequences, then she’d have done it again. If she wants to do that, she can be a defense attorney, because that’s what they do. Oh, wait.” She laughed. “She cannot do that, because she doesn’t have her license, right?”

“You bitch.” Alex said under her breath.

“You don’t even know why she did what she did. Was getting her office not enough for you? You gonna drag her name too now? What are you, a fifth grader who’s so insecure that you need to drag people down to feed your ego?”

Alex looked at Elliot. “She got Casey’s office?”

“I only said the truth. What are you so mad about? Are you sleeping with her or what? Do you miss your girlfriend here?”

Alex turned to look back at Kim, giving her the stare that would definitely kill her if she could. “I am sleeping with her! Is that a problem for you?! You think you’re so perfect to say those things about her?! She has the highest conviction rate, you bitch!” Olivia wrapped her hands around Alex’s arms stopping her from going to Kim.

Cragen walked out of his office as he heard his squad and the attorneys yelling at each other. “That’s enough!” Everyone stared at Cragen, calming down. He looked at Kim. “I think you should go.”

Kim nodded and looked at everyone. “I’m sorry.” She simply said before she walked away.

Alex sighed heavily as Olivia let go of her, running her hand through her hair. “I can’t believe her.” She shook her head.

Munch frowned and turned to Alex. “You and Casey?”

Alex’s heart stopped at the question, turning to look at everyone who were already staring at her. “Uh…what did I say? I didn’t-“

“You said you were sleeping with Casey.” Olivia raised her brow as she grinned.

Alex gulped as she nibbled on her lip. “I uh…” she clears her throat. “I don’t recall saying that.”

“Oh but you did.” Fin smirked as he nodded.

Elliot then turned to look at Alex, frowning. “You’re sleeping with Casey? You’ve seen Casey?”

“I- uh. I just had to stop her from talking, that’s all.”

“Right.” Munch laughed.

Cragen looked at Alex and sighed. “Have you seen Novak?” Alex turned to look at him and nodded softly.

“How is she doing?” Olivia asked softly.

Alex sighed. “Guys, I don’t think it’s my thing to say anything, I-“

“C’mon, Alex. We just wanna know how she is. She never answered us.”

Alex nodded softly as she looked back at Elliot, smiling. “She’s doing okay. And yes…we’re dating.”

Olivia smiled. “That explains it all.”

Alex huffed a chuckle. “We uh…we ran into each other when I came back, and from there, we just started hanging out daily.” She shrugged as she smiled. “From there, it just developed into a relationship, and we’re both happy. She moved in with me.”

Elliot smiled. “But she’s not ready to talk about what happened.”

Alex shook her head. “No. She’s not. But she’s okay. She’s working with Mary Clark, keeps her busy.” She sighed. “I’m sorry I didn’t say anything.”

“We get it. But let her know…that she’s missed.” Cragen nodded as he offered a smile.

Alex smiled softly. “I’ll definitely let her know that.”

Elliot walked to Alex. “Please…tell her that we’re here for her. Whenever she wants to talk?” He said almost in a whisper, a hint of sadness in his voice.

Alex smiled and placed her hand on his shoulder. “I’ll tell her that.”

********************

“You’re back.” Casey said softly as she smiled, opening her arms as Alex walked inside their bedroom.

Alex chuckled softly as she kicked her shoes off and crawled into bed, getting on top of Casey, and leaning down to kiss her lips softly. “Hi.” She smiled.

“Hey.” Casey smiled against her lips, placing her hands on Alex’s cheeks, and bringing her down for another kiss. “How was your day?”

Alex sighed as she laid on top of Casey, burying her face on Casey’s neck. “It was okay.” She grinned. “A bit hectic.” She huffed a chuckle.

Casey frowned. “Something happened?”

“Yep. We almost killed Kim Greylek.”

“Was that the ADA that replaced me and that you’re now replacing?”

Alex nodded. “Indeed.”

“Why would you do that? And who else was gonna kill her?”

Alex chuckled, sitting down so she looked at Casey but staying on her lap. “We found out that she was talking about you, some bad things. Elliot found out too.” She grinned. “He went off on her, and she fought back but…Elliot and I stopped.” She shrugged.

Casey rolled her eyes playfully. “Oh my god.” She chuckled softly. “Baby, whatever she had to say, it doesn’t matter.”

Alex shrugged. “I don’t want anyone talking shit about you. Whatever happened, no one should say shit about you.”

Casey smiled softly as she sat down, wrapping her arms around Alex’s waist and leaned in kissing her jawline softly. “You’re cute, you know that?”

Alex wrapped her arms around Casey’s neck and shrugged. “I know.” She smiled.

“I love you. Thank you for protecting me.” Casey smiled.

“I love you more.” Alex smiled as she kissed her lips softly. “Also…the squad wanted me to tell you that…you’re missed, and that they’ll be there for you for whenever you want to talk to them again.”

Casey sighed as she nodded. “I will. Eventually.”

Alex smiled, running her hand through Casey’s hair. “I know you will. I told you, there is no rush.”

Casey smiled. “Thank you.”

“Take a shower with me?” Alex bit her lip as she smirked.

“Are you telling me I smell bad?” Casey raised her brow.

Alex laughed. “I just want to take a shower with my girlfriend.”

“To save water, right?” Casey grinned.

“To save water.” Alex smirked.

Casey rolled her eyes playfully. “Right.” Casey wrapped her arm securely around Alex’s waist and moved to stand up with Alex still in her arms.

“Case!” Alex laughed as she wrapped her arms around her neck and her legs tightly around Casey’s waist, hiding her head on Casey’s neck.

“What? We’re gonna go shower.” Casey laughed as she stood up, her hands under Alex’s thighs to hold her and walking to the bathroom.

********************

“Do you know if Cabot is out of the trail?” Munch asked as he looked at Olivia.

Olivia shrugged. “Not sure, she said she’d come as soon as she was done, so she could be here any time soon.”

Elliot picked up his phone and yawned, shaking his head. “Stabler.”

“I’m sure they’ll find him guilty, there is no way they’ll let him walk free.” Fin sat on his chair as he looked at Munch. “Cabot wouldn’t let that happen.”

“We sure know she wouldn’t, but it’s not in her hands after all.” Munch shrugged.

“Wait, say that again.” Elliot got up and frowned, his chest heaving as he listened to what the other line was saying. He snapped his fingers at anyone who would look at him. “Call Novak.”

Fin frowned as he looked at Munch and then at Elliot. “What?”

“Call Casey!” Elliot yelled as he brought back his attention to the phone. “Where was this? Are you sure about it?”

Olivia frowned as she looked at both Munch and Fin grabbing their phones, and then she looked at Elliot. “Elliot, what’s going on?”

Elliot covered the phone and took a deep breath, trying to calm down. “There was a shooting in a store. They were holding the people inside as hostages…”

Olivia shook her head. “What does that have to do with Casey?”

“One of the victims…was identified as Casey.” Elliot said almost in a whisper.

Olivia’s heart stopped for a moment as she stared at Elliot. “Oh my god.”

Fin sighed as he shook his head. “How are we gonna tell Alex?”

“Tell me what?” Alex walked to them and frowned as she saw the worried faces. “Who died?”

“Uh…” Olivia  looked back at Elliot who was still on the call trying to get an answer to see if it was Casey or not.

Alex looked at all of them and shook her head. “Everybody forgot how to speak or something? What’s going on?”

“Elliot is in a call right now…there was a shooting.” Olivia said calmly.

Alex nodded. “Okay…aren’t you supposed to go investigate? You want me to do your job too?” She joked as she looked at Olivia.

“Alex…” Elliot whispered.

Alex looked at him. “What?!”

“They identified a victim. The name’s Casey.”

Alex stared at her for a moment, her heart sinking as she tried to process Olivia’s words. “What?”

“We don’t know if it’s her, Alex.” Elliot said as he looked at her.

Alex felt herself starting to panic, trying to take a deep breath. “Is there…where? Where did it happen?”

“They’re still trying to get the shooter out. They just know there are victims who were shot.”

“Anyone tried to call her?!” Alex stared at Munch and Fin.

“No response.” Munch simply said.

“Okay…uh…I’m…I’m going h-home.”

Olivia looked back at them and then at Alex. “I’m coming with you, let’s go.” She grabbed the keys and followed Alex to the elevator.

The whole ride they were both quiet, Alex trying not to panic as she looked out the window. She had tried to call her to her phone and to the house’s phone, but there was no answer. Casey had told her that she’d go out to buy some stuff and to see Mary, but when Alex called Mary, Mary had said that she had already left, and she hadn’t heard from her. She could feel Olivia’s eyes on her, and Alex tried her best to hold back tears. Elliot was right, they didn’t know if it was her. They didn’t know if it was her Casey. It could be anyone else, there were so many people called Casey. They couldn’t have known so easily that it was Casey who had been shot. There was no way to know, not if the cops were still outside trying to get the shooter.

“Alex…” Olivia whispered.

“How is it possible that they can’t fucking say anything? They call and they…they don’t have official information. And she’s not answering the fucking phone.” Alex snapped as her eyes started getting teary.

“Honey, you need to calm down. We don’t know for sure that is Casey.”

“What if it is my Casey?” Alex turned to look at Olivia, tears already rolling down her cheeks.

Olivia looked at her for a moment and then focused her eyes back on the road, sighing. “No. She’s too stubborn to just die and leave you, Alex.” She offered a faint smile.

Alex huffed a chuckle, wiping away her tears. “And she’s too stubborn to let me know if something happened to her because she doesn’t want me to worry.”

“She just loves you, Alex. She’d call if something was wrong.”

Alex nodded softly as she looked out the window again, trying to stop thinking the worse. Once they got to her building, they decided to take the stairs, too desperate to wait for the elevator. Alex got her keys out as fast as she could and almost kicked open the door, walking inside the apartment, she dropped her bag and started yelling Casey’s name.

“Case?! Casey, are you here?” Alex went into the living room, the kitchen and to every room.

Olivia’s phone went off, pulling it our of her pocket and answering. “Benson.”

Alex almost sobbed as she walked out of their room. “She’s not here, Olivia.” She walked to Olivia and stared at her, noticing that Olivia was staring blankly at the floor with the phone still in her ear. “Olivia?”

Olivia hung up and looked at Alex. “Alex…we need to go to the hospital.”

Alex shook her head, covering her mouth. “No…Liv. Please-“

“We need to go, Alex.”

********************

Turns out that to their bad luck, the shooting had happened in the store that Casey had decided to go to. She got shot and she had been unconscious the whole time, bleeding out, so once they got inside the store to get the victims out, Casey had lost way too much blood already, they had barely gotten a pulse, rushing her as fast as they could to the hospital. One of the cops had recognized Casey, but then was told to not confirm anything yet, even if they knew it was Casey. They pulled the bullet out, and Casey was now in intensive care…in a coma. Alex had tried to understand everything that the doctor was telling her, but she was lost, she couldn’t focus on whatever they were saying, she only wanted to see Casey, she wanted to be with Casey; her Casey. She had almost fought the nurses that didn’t want to let her go in to stay with her and Olivia had to talk to Alex to calm her down. But now here she was, sitting beside the bed looking at her girlfriend with a lot of cables on her. This was not happening, not Casey.

“Case…” Alex whispered softly, grabbing Casey’s hand, and bringing it to her lips to kiss it. “I don’t know if you can hear me. The nurse…I’m not sure if she told me to make me feel better or because you really can hear me. She said I could talk to you.” She felt tears rolling down her cheeks as she stared at Casey. “Casey…please, wake up. I need you to come back to me. I cannot lose you.” She sobbed. “We’re all waiting for you. I’m waiting for you. I need you. I…I was so happy when we gave each other a chance, I really thought that I wouldn’t be able to have that chance with you, and then you kissed me.” She chuckled sadly. “Remember? You…you kissed me, and god I was in heaven when you did.” She stroked the back of her hand and stared at it for a moment. “I already knew I was in love with you. I was scared to admit it because I thought it was too soon, but I just knew.” She looked back at Casey. “And I knew that I didn’t want to live this life without you. So please…please…come back to me.” She sobbed. “I need you, Casey.”

The squad tried to switch every now and then with Alex so she could have a break and go eat something or just to get some fresh air. But Alex didn’t want to leave Casey’s side, she wanted to be there in case she woke up, she just wanted to stay there the whole time. 2 more days passed, and they said everything looked good so far, but she just needed to wake up. Elliot had begged Alex to go home and get some sleep and that he’d be there, but Alex had been too stubborn and almost fought him that she would not leave the hospital to go to sleep. Elliot decided to drop it and they all decided to stay outside to let Alex stay inside for another hour. Alex talked to Casey, trying to tell her how the squad was a pain in the ass, but that they were so happy that they could see Casey again. Branch, Elizabeth, and Mary had paid their visits, also trying to convince Alex to go home, but they’d have to fight her to go home, so they didn’t push anymore. Alex laid her head on Casey’s arms as she stared at her; she missed her voice, seeing her smile, her laugh, she missed kissing her and holding her. She just wanted her Casey back.

“Alex.”

Alex opened her eyes, sitting up and looking at the door but there was no one there. She frowned as she tried to stretch, and then her heart stopped when she heard her name again. She turned to find Casey smiling at her.

“Casey…”

Casey smiled. “Hi baby.”

Alex’s eyes got teary, sobbing softly. “Casey. You’re awake.”

“Seems like it.” Casey chuckled softly. “I don’t even get a kiss?”

Alex chuckled softly as she stood up and carefully placed her hands on Casey’s face, kissing her lips softly, smiling against her lips. “You’re awake.” She chuckled softly as she rested her forehead against Casey’s. “I missed you.”

“How long have I been asleep?”

“2 days. Almost 3.”

Casey sighed. “I’m so sorry, baby. I wanted to call you but…”

“You got shot in that moment.” Alex whispered softly.

Casey nodded. “Yes.”

“You remember everything?”

Casey nodded again. “I do.” She sighed. “I’m so sorry if I scared you.”

Alex smiled sadly. “You didn’t just scare me.”

“What you mean?” Casey frowned.

“The whole squad is outside waiting for you. Branch, Liz, and Mary came yesterday.” Alex smiled. “They all waiting for you.”

Casey smiled softly. “They do miss me.”

Alex chuckled softly. “They do.”

“Can we wait a bit longer though? I just want to be with you.”

Alex smiled as she nodded. “Sounds good to me.” She leaned in and kissed her lips softly.

********************

“Hey! Look who’s here!” Elliot smiled as Alex and Casey walked into the squad room.

Casey chuckled softly. “Yes, I’m back on my feet. I’m just glad I didn’t need to wear a cane again.” She grinned softly as she looked at Alex, who had her arm wrapped around Casey’s waist carefully.

“Oh, that’s because I’m your cane? Very funny.” Alex chuckled.

Olivia smiled. “We’re just glad you’re okay, Casey. And to see you back here.”

Casey sighed. “Well, I’m still not back. You got this one for another while if she decides to stay and keep my place.” She grinned.

“Oh, the place you took from me first? How nice of you.” Alex smirked.

“Who would’ve thought, Novak and Cabot together. Can’t say I’m not in for it. I’ll be waiting for the wedding invitation.” Munch grinned as he laughed with Fin.

Alex blushed slightly, turning to look at Casey. “Uh…we’ve just been dating for a little over a year guys. Don’t get too ahead of yourselves.”

“You saying you don’t wanna marry me?” Casey raised her brow.

Alex cleared her throat. “Uh…I didn’t mean that. I-“

“Alex Cabot blushing and nervous. What do you do to her, Novak?” Fin teased, making the squad laugh.

Alex rolled her eyes playfully. “Cut it.”

Elliot laughed. “Hey, we were thinking about going to eat, all of us.” He walked to Casey and smiled. “You’re not getting rid of us again, Case.” He winked at her and then went ahead to grab his coat.

Casey sighed softly as she smiled, looking back at Alex. “Shall we?”

Alex nodded. “Also.” She saw the squad walking out and then turned to look at Casey, smirking. “I do wanna marry you, someday.” She leaned in to kiss her lips softly and smiled.

Casey blushed slightly and started walking with Alex still holding her. Everything had started like shit, but things had definitely gotten better, and she couldn’t wait for her future with Alex.

[its-all-stardust]

Hey, so first of all, I love your work, it's absoluteley amazing!!!

I saw that your requests are open, so I thought that I would ask for a Matt Murdock x reader oneshot? You know, just something cute and fluffy?

Maybe I'm gonna sound a bit stereotypical but how about a reader that owns a bakery and wants to try out a new recipe. Matt tries to sneak a taste from time to time while "helping out" (honestly, he's just teasing and making reader's job probably harder [affectionaly]). Just domestic fluff? Maybe please?

You don't have to if you don't want to, but I thought I'd give it a try :)

Thank you!! I'm glad you like my writing!! 🫂

I'm worried with this one that I tweaked things just enough that it's not exactly what you wanted anon, but I did my best and wrote what inspiration gave me!! I'll be honest, it could be fluffier, but I'm also not offended by my own writing so that's something lol I hope you like it!! ❤️❤️

Check out this post for request guidelines

Masterlist

Matt Murdock/GN!Reader

Word Count: 964

Was turning your residential apartment into a glorified bakery after you moved in with your boyfriend legal? According to Matt, a very good lawyer, it wasn’t technically illegal, so you did it anyway and prayed your landlord never found out.

It wasn’t really a bakery, not in the traditional sense. You didn’t try making it into a storefront, nor did you want it to be one. You did, however, take specialty orders through your website. You mainly baked for small events or private parties. You weren’t touching a wedding with a ten-foot pole unless you made the cake or just one of the cookies for the snack table.

It wasn’t enough to pay the bills on its own—you still had a full-time job—but you enjoyed it, and the small amount of extra income it generated was nice.

Matt enjoyed it, too. So much so that you often joked he had ulterior motives for dating you.

But even though baking was a passion, it still came with challenges.

You let out a frustrated sigh and leaned against your elbows, bent over the counter, and buried your face in your hands. 

This is the worst part about baking, you thought.

“Do you need help?” Matt asked, hand suddenly on your shoulder. You jumped, letting out a small gasp. “Sorry. I tried calling a couple of times.”

“It’s fine,” you sighed, turning to wrap your arms around his middle, leaning into him, and pressing your face against his neck. “I just hate this.”

Matt huffed a laugh. “It can’t be so bad. You say that about every new thing you try.”

“But I really mean it this time!” you whined, though you actually didn’t.

You strived for perfection, but new recipes were always daunting. Either the first few batches didn’t meet your standards, or the very first one did, but the subsequent batches often failed. You thought once or twice about not adding anything new to your menu, but you needed to keep a refreshed list, or else you risked losing repeat customers—the ones who made this business possible for you in the first place.

“We can do it together,” Matt offered, lips brushing against the top of your head. “Will that make it better?”

You considered it for a moment. Matt’s taste was impeccable. You often used him—and Foggy and Karen—as guinea pigs, and he was always able to offer you the best advice. In another life, he would have been a fantastic chef. You’ve never baked anything with him before, only handed him the finished product.

If he helped you now, as you were putting everything together, it could make the whole try, try again process you had going significantly shorter, if not bypassed completely.

“Yes, actually. I think it will,” you answered, lifting your head up. 

The only problem: Matt was a complete and utter nuisance.

He wouldn’t do what you told him, at times completely forgoing your instructions—the one you found in an old cookbook that wasn’t like anything you found online—and adding either the incorrect amount of something or adding something that wasn’t even on the list of ingredients.

No matter how many times you told him baking was an exact science and the time for experimentation was after you followed the recipe to a T and tasted the finished product, he refused to listen. You thought he did, at first, but then you caught him tossing in almond extract behind your back, and things only went downhill from there.

“Would you please stop sticking your fingers in the bowl?” you practically begged after you caught him helping himself to the cookie batter for the fourth time.

“How else am I supposed to taste it?” he asked with a playful smirk. He seemed to enjoy the fact he was making you want to pull your hair out.

“With the spoon I specifically set out for that purpose!” You picked it up and thrust it at him. He ignored it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

“But I’m blind. How am I supposed to know where it is?” 

You raised an eyebrow, not fooled. “The same way you find the bowl even after I move it.”

Matt shrugged. “Fair point. But if I used the spoon, I couldn’t do this.” He stuck his finger in the bowl again.

“Matthew, I swear to—”

He stuck his finger in your mouth, not far but enough for the batter to touch your tongue, before he pulled away.

“—God,” you couldn’t help but finish as the first notes of the batter processed. Brow furrowed, you focused on the taste, brushing your tongue against the roof of your mouth, trying to make it last while you sorted out the different flavors. It was…

“That’s amazing,” you said, stunned. “What did you put in there?” You pulled the bowl toward you, forgetting the spoon in your hand as you dipped in a finger from the other. It wasn’t what you were trying to make at all, and you needed another sample.

“I tried telling you it just needed a few extra ingredients.” Before you could stick your finger in your mouth, Matt took your hand, wrapping his lips around your batter-covered finger. His tongue lapped gently against the pad, almost teasing. “Now it’s perfect,” he said when he pulled away.

“I think I need you in the kitchen more often,” you said, wheels already turning in your mind.

Matt beamed at you and tried leaning in for a kiss. You, however, didn’t notice and stepped away to find your phone, leaving him confused.

You opened your notes app and said, “Quick, tell me what you did before you forget.”

Matt could only shake his head in amusement before he dutifully listed everything he had snuck into the batter.

[seajelllies]

𝑪𝑯𝑨𝑷𝑻𝑬𝑹 𝟐 ♡︎ not quite, sweetheart masterlist ✎ roll call 1 ✎ roll call 2

"Don't get mad-"

"Every time you say that, my blood pressure rises."

He let out a long nervous laugh, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly before clearing his throat. "I kind of uha, have to pick up some things for a project in one of my classes."

"Yuji," You frown, lifting your head from the textbook you've been staring so deeply at he swore you'd burn a hole in it someday. "You were the one who told me to come over to help you."

"I know I know, I'm sorry, I'll be quick, really." He mumbles apologetically. He felt bad, really, and you could tell from the way he kept his eye contact.

You look at the time on your phone for a second before glancing back at him with a sigh. It wouldn't hurt to just stay put for a bit anyways, since he bought you food and all. If anything, you could just continue studying on your own with less distractions anyways- you weren't the one losing any time.

"Yeah, sure that's fine-"

"Thank you! You're the best! I'll be back, I swear!" And before you could even fully finish your sentence he bolted out of the door, and you could hear someone yelp in the hallway- probably bumping into him in the process. You almost forgot he used to do track in high school- surely you wouldn't be waiting for long.

You let out a soft snort, shaking your head with a sigh.

The first thing Sukuna did when he opened the door, was grumble to himself, running his hand through his hair in frustration. Attending classes was annoying, even more so after he already stays behind at his job for 2 hours longer than he should have.

'I should just fucking quit.' His eye twitches at the thought- very tempting, but quitting meant no money. No money meant no classes. No classes meant no potential decent job. No potential decent job meant he was going to be stuck selling drugs again- which he'd much prefer.

But he can't subject Yuji to that kind of association. Detrimental to his future, or whatever he told himself to justify not taking the easy way out.

As he makes his way into the room, there's 3 things wrong.

One. Yuji's bag and jacket are here, but not Yuji. Sure, those two things don't always need to follow him wherever he goes, but he's gotten used to him just lazing around by the time he gets back.

Two. There's another bag next to his. Unfamiliar, just like the shoes that definitely do not belong to his brother sitting neatly at the doorway. Yuji doesn't tend to invite people over, he usually goes to hang out at Kugisaki or even Fushiguro's dorm.

Three. There's a stranger quite literally sitting at their shared table, head in their arms. He can only assume they fell asleep, because he was almost sure they'd turn around the second the door opens if they weren't. Who just falls asleep in someone elses dorm?

Especially on a table that he can't remember the last time was properly cleaned.

He walks closer, frowning as he shoves his hand in the pockets of his jacket. His eyes glanced down at them as he peered over their shoulder, trying to gauge how asleep they were.

"Oi." He sounded irritated and tired- mostly because he actually was, eye twitching at the unfamiliar guest that seemed to be quite comfortable just falling asleep here.

"Brat, wake up." He scoffs, kicking the leg of the chair lightly, hoping it would stir them awake. But it doesn't and their head stays still, the only sign of them even being alive was their body moving up and down from breathing.

"You've got to be joking." He groans, snapping in front of their head, trying to get them to wake up without simply throwing them off the chair. Calm. Calm. Calm. He had to stay calm, he can not cause another issue and risk getting expelled.

He was too tired for this.

He fights the urge to throw his phone at the wall, exasperated sigh leaving his lips again, his scowl deepening when he notices them adjusting slightly, their arms shifting so he could slightly see their face.

His eyes glance down at them, and he plops into the seat next to theirs, elbow leaning on the desk with his chin resting on his hand with an irritated frown.

How someone could look so peaceful sleeping in someone elses room, he would never understand. Especially a dorm with two college guys- were they stupid? Or maybe they really were exhausted, like Yuji said.

Strands of their hair fall onto their eyes, and he reaches out to move it before he catches himself.

He lets out another grunt, eye twitching when he realizes he was staring too closely at a random stranger, and he moves back, leaning against the back of the shitty chair- hands shoved back into his jacket.

But the feeling of the hair in their eyes seems to wake them up, lashes fluttering slowly as they blink to adjust to the sudden light. They seem to realize they aren't alone, rubbing their sleepy eyes as they turn to glance at him.

"Yuji?" Their voice was quiet, and clearly very exhausted. Hair still slightly in their face, eyes blinking in his direction in confusion

Cute. Almost.

"Not quite, sweetheart."

𝑻𝒐𝒅𝒂𝒚'𝒔 𝑵𝒐𝒕𝒆𝒔!

︾ There was more writing than there were screenshots even though I told myself there wasn't gonna be as much writing to save myself the pain of thinking 🧍‍♀️ ;;sobbing

︾ Anyways I changed the title from what it was going to be originally and move it to chapter 3 because I feel like it'd fit better there! anyways grumpy sukuna is silly, he's so >:( but he'll warm up soon. probably. 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️

︾ ik i already said this was fem/afab!reader but my dumbass brain kept writing they/them/their and i didn't realize till i got to the end. im sorry 😔

𝑹𝒐𝒍𝒍 𝑪𝒂𝒍𝒍! the taglist

@sweetteez

[massyworld]

i know people have already said "that's not MY hirano!!" and after some thought, i agree because well, look. if the doujin had branched off from the canon much earlier, it wouldve been more plausible for hirano to fall out of contact with kagiura, but right after the roommate thing?? no WAY did hirano slowly phase out of wearing his earrings. no way did he just forget about the lovers trial. no WAY did Mr. I Want To Understand His Feelings More give up on it all. no way Mr. Even If We're Not Roommates I'll Just Show Up At His Dorm, or Mr. If I Don't Resolve This I Will Feel Weird About It For The Rest Of My Life.

no way did kagiura fall down low on the priority list. no way did his passion for kagiura fall out of equal alignment with his passion for his dream job. no. way. other thoughts from the doujin:

“Apparently he’s gotten bad at socializing” “Due to past trauma, he has difficulty interacting with people outside of basketball-related matters.” Kagiura pulled away from other people!! Hirano is now too!!!! (due to the mysterious studying, I wonder what he’s learning about hmmm) They’ve both become disconnected from others as an effect of diving into their own passions and falling out of contact with the other!!!!!!!!!! Despair……

i’m saddened there was no niibashi at the reunion. I hope he and Kagiura still talk, they’re besties for life after all. Actually I’ll be so sad if he’s never brought up in this au because he was probably such a big support in kagi’s life after the roommate debacle. Aghhhh

so unwell over kagi in a suit hair slicked back man

hirano ever the uke

the irony of hirano asking “did you make him drink that much” when he’s the reason kagi drank himself to the moon

highkey really funny that sensei started planning out the doujin and was immediately like, let’s get kagi get drunk. He’s earned some major loss of inhibitions

am heartbroken that kagiura is ashamed of his confession to hirano :((( I don’t think he’s ever expressed such negativity about it before right? I mean it’s probably because it didn’t end up being fruitful for him the way he wanted it to be, but it’s such a sad peek into how he mentally feels and thinks about that whole era of his past. Agh. I feel so bad for him.

”If only I had tried harder then. I didn’t want to have any regrets, so I focused on basketball.” am I to understand he focused harder on basketball so that he wouldn’t risk failing at that as well…bc if so…. -weeps-

ok ok hear me out but in chp 20, when kghr are told by hanzawa that they will be roommates, right before it kagi is teary eyed and hirano says his name and moves towards him, but we NEVER FIND OUT what he was going to do bc they get interrupted by hanzawa. This is a reach but if hanzawa went to tell the winners first, he wouldve gone to the losers rooms last, so maybe he wouldn’t have interrupted them at that exact time, and hirano wouldve had the time to get close enough right in front of kagi’s face to wipe his teary eyes and then perhaps even…initiates a hug to reassure him - but that might be too ooc. ANYWAY vaping copium

thinking now about all the stuff that didn’t happen in this timeline from volume 5… please don’t read if you don’t want to feel your chest closing in on itself. “I guess he wasn’t gonna touch me then.” “If Kagi-kun becomes a romantic interest for me, does that mean I’ll want him to flirt and stuff?! Oh hell no. At…at least…..I think…..hell…..no..” “But Kagi-kun worked so hard to allow us to stay roommates…” (OMG he loses that reason to continue to give it his all in the lovers experiment too?!? ok but NOT MY HIRANO---) “I’m allowed to use the 10 seconds for myself, right?” “After all, when you touch me, I feel really happy.” “I want to go on a date with you Hirano-san!” “It’s a secret. But I’ll tell you…once you fall in love with me.” “(Oh…was that 10 seconds already?)” “I wish I could see his face.” “He just surprised me. That’s all.” “You’re amazing.” “Of course you’re good enough.” “What..sort of expression is he wearing right now?” “If me touching you makes you happy, then look happy when I do it!” “I’m hoping you’ll let me keep trying.” “What the hell is this? I’m going crazy…” “So right now…maybe he’s going through the same stages of falling in love as you were…” “The person who’s influenced me the most in the past year has been without a doubt…you.” “Hirano-san…has gotten so good at basketball.” “I want him to say he loves me… but more than that…right now…I want to tell him that I love him.” “I was just wondering…if you were gonna do your 10 seconds of touching me for today…” “That was my 10 seconds, yours are separate…”

ok back to the doujin. No way he’d forget the keychain at first glance. Or say “ah that brings back memories.” SO CASUALLY about something as serious as considering kagi’s deep feelings for him!!! “did you want to be a family or something?” same vibe as freaking “What, are you jealous or something” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i’m glad he’s still hella weak to kagi’s whims though. It took only one tug of his coat to stay put til morning. Ayooo

don’t talk to me about that face-unseen headscratch after he remembered kagi’s confession. don’t.

kagi’s bedhead reminds me of those curly haired chickens he looks so utterly cute

heartbroken that hirano didn’t wake him up like the good ol days. That wouldve been too big of a shock to my heart anyway. Thank you for the reprieve sensei

MY BOY KAGIURA WAS SO IN SHOCK HE REPEATED “Had no choice” TO HIMSELF 4 TIMES..  love to see hirano still slurping up that excuse juice

”Kindness is painful” is such a raw line here

praying for kagiura to see hirano in his full uniform.

[serenaoffaerun]

Tenacity - Chapter 3 of the "Consequences" series

It's finally here!! Thank you all for your patience. Because of the physical letter writing I drew for Tav and Gale's back-and-forth, this took much longer than I anticipated. Plus, the story just kind of...ran away with itself... This chapter comes in at a word count over 8,000 and I don't know how that happened LOL.

Big thanks again to @alpydk who started off this series with what was supposed to be a one-off angst story, and allowed me to write my own sequel chapters to finish the story my own way. (Alphydk's chapter 2 can be found here.) As my first long-form writing in over a decade, it's been a fun challenge to take two characters I love so much and get them out of a position I wouldn't have put them in in the first place. 💜

Without making you all endure any more of my "propensity towards verbosity," I present chapter 3: Tenacity (complete with hand-written letters!)

Summary: After agreeing to try to re-establish their friendship/relationship by writing letters back and forth, Tav and Gale set out on their journey of communicating, listening, and healing. You better believe they're both going to hold on for dear life.

Word Count: 8,289 (I'm not sorry.)

CW: References to depression, alcoholism

Tags: GalexTav, angst/fluff, pre-established (albeit rocky) relationship, future smut? (no spoilers...), brief mention of infertility (in a positive way??), depresso espresso, communication, healing, Tara's getting ALL the tuna.

[I'm sure I left some out, I'll come back and add to it once I get this on AO3 - coming soon!!]

Screenshot: Taken from my own gameplay. Please do not re-post as your own.

NOTE: For those who don't want to read Tav's mediocre (but improving) handwriting or Gale's flowy cursive, the text version is printed below each letter (including doodle descriptions!)

9/2 4:45PM Pacific - EDIT FOR MORE NOTES:

My underlines went away when I copy/pasta'd from GoogleDocs, and now I realize that you can't underline because of links, so they're bolded and italicized instead.

REGARDING BHAALSPAWN INFERTILITY - this is NOT canon to BG3/DnD/Forgotten Realms. I totally made this up to fit my literary needs. 😉

Alpydk's chapter 1: Consequences

Chapter 2: Acquiescence

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Tav assessed herself before she even opened her eyes. Between the wine and the crying, she was probably the most dehydrated person in all of Faerûn. The pounding headache she was used to. She'd made blackout curtains for a reason, after all. But the soul-wrenching nausea, that was new.

Being blissfully infertile, she knew there was no risk of pregnancy. One of her permanent "gifts" as Bhaal's former Chosen was the ability to be as promiscuous as she pleased without fear of pregnancy in order to weasel her way into the hearts, minds, and pants of any of her previous victims. Not that she'd needed that ability since the Nautiloid, or especially her subsequent severing from said god. But this was no ordinary nausea anyway. It was coming from somewhere much more complex.

Among the growing list of sensations Tav noticed from her downward-facing zombie position on the couch, she found two long-lost friends: the physical feeling of being simultaneously sated but also achingly empty in her core, and...hope. Surprisingly enough, she realized it was the latter that brought on the nausea.

Crippling anxiety, overwhelming depression, stabbing guilt, these are feelings she was familiar with and knew how to handle: with denial and alcohol. Just ball it up and shove it in the "future ulcer" pocket by the stomach and cover it up with a bottle of wine or two.

Hope, on the other hand, is a fickle bitch. It introduces the possibility of a better future. The idea that things could get better. Then comes the uncertainty.

‘Desirable things in life are never guaranteed,’ she told herself. ‘You can always lose them. Don't get TOO comfortable! You might still have to live the rest of your life without the man you truly believe is your soulmate.’

Tav had NEVER believed in the idea of a ‘soulmate’ before. That was even more laughable than ‘love at first sight.’ But she’d come to believe it now.

‘And you fucked it up, didn't you? You let yourself have the worst lapse in judgment, then you doubled down on it by screaming and being a hurtful wretch. You did this. You did this and you don’t deserve forgiveness, you don’t deserve mercy. No one else will ever fill the hole in your heart, so you’re going to die alone and unloved. That’s what you deserve.’  

The words from the voice in her head kept playing on a loop for the last six months and they wouldn’t shut up. Drowning them out with wine and sleep had become her modus operandi. There’d been nothing to look forward to, nothing to hope for. It was the way things were going to be, she’d accepted it. Especially in the last few months after Waterdeep. She couldn’t have her heart broken again if she didn’t expect anything.

But now, new words were taking up space in her brain. His words.

‘…there was a time that we’d also brought out the best in each other, once. I refuse to believe we can’t find our way back there again.’

‘Fuck.’ Those words had stolen her breath. Given her reason to think that there was a chance. That maybe he would give her the mercy she knew she didn’t deserve. Gale was just that kind of man.

If that were truly the case, though, why did he shut her out so quickly in the first place without getting to even talk about things. Why did he go straight to the biting comments and yelling instead of showing any kind of signs of forgiveness being a possibility.

‘Because you ripped out his heart that was already broken and threw it on the ground with all the remains of any self-confidence he had left after Mystra, you inconsiderate, unfaithful monster. It’s a wonder he’s still alive.’

These were the new conversations Tav now had running back and forth in her head and that’s where the source of the nausea was seated. In the unknown future where happiness still existed. Along the path that could go to life-long depression and loneliness or a blissful existence with the man who completed her, and she wouldn’t know which way she’d end up traveling until she got there. It was terrifying.

‘I refuse to believe we can’t find our way back there again.’

Face still mashed in the couch pillow, she balled up her fist and slammed it down into the cushion. Depression wasn’t going to win today. Or any other day, for that matter, at least not like it had been. She would not allow herself to be swept up in the waves of self-loathing and doubt to the point of being non-functional. Not anymore.

She took a deep breath and sat up, eyes still closed. There was a warmth on her face that she knew would be the late-morning sun coming in through the living room window. As she cracked her eyes open, she winced as the light seared into her brain and fired off pain signals. Slowly, she stood up, walked across the room, and felt around for the blackout curtains.

Medicine. Shower. Food. In that order.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Looking around the room later that day, Tav felt pretty proud of herself. Once she got herself cleaned, fed, and a bit more clear-headed, she opened the curtains again and opened all the windows. Her little depression hole needed a good airing out.

Starting with all the trash, she got rid of the wine bottles, the old food, even the bin filled with dirt and burned clothing. After washing off surfaces and sweeping floors, she put all the books back on the shelf, keeping a box full of scrolls and a quill pulled out on her desk. One sandwich and two sinks full of dishes later, it was nearing night time, but she had one more task ahead of her: the letter.

She’d been chewing over words in her head all day, but she still had no idea where to start. How do you even begin a letter like this? ‘Hi, Gale’? ‘Dear Gale,’? ‘Esteemed Professor Dekarios,’? If the greeting was this difficult, how would she even move on to the rest of the letter? She knew for damn sure that she wasn’t quite ready to be fully emotionally vulnerable, especially with him (even though he’s the only one she should ideally be emotionally vulnerable with…).

‘Welp, might as well just start,’ she said to herself as she sighed.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hi Gale,  [in the top right hand corner was a little swirly doodle with some flowers and leaves. Next to it was written ‘I don’t have fancy paper, so I tried to do something cute?]

I’m having trouble starting this letter, so I figured maybe just admitting that is as good of a place as any. I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what you want to hear, I don’t know what will help or what will just hurt… Here’s what I do know:

-          I’m sorry. [there are tear stains on the paper here]

-          There’s no excuse for what I did.

-          I don’t even know if I know the reason for what I did.

-          I don’t feel like I deserve your patience, your forgiveness, your mercy, anything, really. Your anger is totally justifiable.

-          I don’t know who I was that night or in the months following.

Except, I do. I’d reverted back to the person abomination I walked away from. The hateful, murderous, evil, wretched thing I said I’d never be again. Yet, I can’t claim that I wasn’t in my right mind at the time either. I never lost consciousness. I was aware of the decisions I was making. I just don’t understand why I made them in the first place, other than I’d lost hope. I’d stopped trusting you. I’d assumed you were going to leave me and go back to Mystra or pursue godhood where you’d no longer be…you. [Next to this is a small sketch of a broken heart.]

Here's what else I know:

-          You didn’t deserve that.

-          I don’t deserve you.

[Below this was another item that was heavily crossed out, but you can make out the words ‘I still’.]

(this letter is a mess, I’m sorry. I’m just…flustered)

[On the right side of the paper, there was a list of four items outlined in a rectangle, above which was written ‘Good things’ – a question mark had followed this, but it was crossed out with an X. The four items are:]

-          I took a shower today.

-          I cleaned my house for the first time in weeks today.

-          I’m going to stop drinking for a while.

-          I’m exhausted and I’m going to bed.

It’s not ‘the letter of a lifetime,’ but it’s a start. I hope you’re well and that your students aren’t giving you too much of a hassle. Can’t be as bad as slaying a whole camp of goblins, right? [Here there was a small doodle of a goblin head, X’s for eyes and tongue sticking out, laying in a pool of blood next to a sword.]

I look forward to hearing from you. Take care of yourself, please.

-Tav

P.S. I’m working on my handwriting. I’m sorry if any of this is illegible. Not really a subject that was covered in “Bhaalspawn University.”

[At the bottom of the letter was drawn a curvy vine with leaves, flowers, and flower buds.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Gale swallowed thickly as he held the letter in his trembling hands.

‘She did it. She actually wrote, and it wasn’t full of anger and insults. It was a real, honest-to-the-gods attempt at talking.’

His eyes shimmered as he re-read two lines over and over again:

-          You didn’t deserve that.

-          I don’t deserve you.

His heart ached as he pondered the fact that she thought so little of herself. It made him remember his inner monologue after the debacle with Mystra and the orb. All Gale told himself for a year was that he’d made mistakes so huge that no one should have to ever bear the burden of his presence again. Anyone who showed any affection towards him, platonic or otherwise, was a fool who was wasting their time. They’d just end up being let down by this depressed shadow of a former Archmage. Knowing that Tav was the one now who truly felt she wasn’t deserving of forgiveness or mercy brought tears to his eyes.

He felt a bit lighter, however, at the implication that she even cared whether or not she was worthy of him. Not only cared, but was taking bolder steps forward. She’d apologized, she’d wished him well, she’s taking care of herself… Then it dawned on him that she’d gotten so low that a task as mundane as taking a shower was to be celebrated on a list of positive things.

Oh, did he remember that pit of despair well. He’d spent a year down at the bottom of it. Cut off from all outside contact, forgetting (or refusing) to eat, going days, even a week or more without bathing because he didn’t have anyone to see anyway. No point in expending the energy.

Now, however, Gale was at least teaching. That had kept him going. Even if he didn’t interact with many people outside of Blackstaff Academy, he was still getting dressed, going to a place with other people, and teaching Faerûn’s youth to harness and control the Weave.

But what of Tav? How often was she seeing others? It seems she had relocated after all. The return address is listed in Daggerford, a town not far south of Waterdeep full of retired adventurers, artisans, craftsmen, and farmers. A relatively quiet place compared to Baldur’s Gate, but still a city with plenty of opportunities. (And only a three-, maybe four-day travel from Gale. That would explain how easily she ended up in Waterdeep in the marketplace on that cold, rainy day…).

He remembered her telling everyone how much of a hero she’d been at the reunion party. What happened to her adventuring? Would she even be home enough for their letter-writing to be consistent? She’d made no mention of her activities, that was something he’d want to follow up on. As much as it would have previously brought him satisfaction to see her put in her place for everything she’d said, cut off from others and alone, now it just caused an ache in his chest.

The threads of his bitterness and rage had already begun unraveling. He’d been letting the truth sink in since the reunion: Tav had acted reckless and lashed out because she was scared. Scared of losing him. The thought of him abandoning her for Mystra or for godhood drove her to seek pleasure in someone else. Yet he hadn’t bothered to get to the root of the problem at the time. All he knew was that he had his heart broken. He had been betrayed. He had been ‘abandoned.’

He sighed heavily as the pangs of grief and remorse started to take hold. What a fool he’d been. A self-centered, arrogant, quick-tempered fool. But he shook those thoughts out of his head. This wasn’t the time to keep dwelling on what he had or hadn’t done in the past. Where the ball of anger had resided in his chest, just as roiling and hungry as the Netherese orb had been, he felt the tension had begun to break apart. There was still much healing to do, but now there was a little room for the patience and understanding he’d wished he’d displayed before.

He re-read the letter again, chuckling lightly at her doodles and scratches. Her handwriting had much improved, she gave herself too little credit. It was good to see she still had her silly sense of humor as well. She hadn’t been completely robbed of her beautiful qualities.

Draining the last sip of wine in his cup, he arose from his spot on the balcony and walked inside to sit at his desk. One thing nagged at him before he could start writing his response, though. Underneath the bottom list where she said she didn’t deserve him, she’d written something and then furiously scratched it out. He thought he might know what it said, but didn’t want to get carried away if he was wrong. Holding the letter carefully in front of the lit candle on his desk, he stared at the scratches, trying to piece together the words underneath. His breath caught when his eyes brought them together:

‘I still’

I still… Still what? I still hear the voice of the Dark Urge? I still won’t forgive you?

No. Given the context of what was said and the direction they were going, it had to mean only one thing. He would only allow himself to think it was one thing.

‘I still love you.’

Hoping with everything he had that it was true, he took another deep breath and pulled out a scroll from his desk drawer. It was his turn now.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dear Tav, [In small writing to the right of the greeting, it says (my ‘fancy paper’ is at the academy) with a winking face doodle.]

Sometimes I think I’d prefer a good goblin massacre to a room full of hormonal teenage wizards learning to control a firebolt spell, but each day is a new adventure, after all! [After this sentence, Gale had doodled a flame, his head/hair with wisps of smoke, and in small writing with an arrow pointing to the drawings, (I tried).]

Thank you for your thoughts, and especially for your apology. I can’t in good conscience say that everything is forgotten, but I fully believe we are on the right path forward.

I would also like to apologize, because you deserve it. You are so much more deserving than you think you are of kindness, understanding and, yes, when I am able, forgiveness. I understand, likely better than anyone else you might know, how strongly self-loathing can take hold.

Which is why I want to tell you that I’m proud of you. I don’t know what you’ve been up to in recent months. I heard you telling the others about some adventuring opportunities, but I gather from your letter that self-care had gone by the wayside. I’m proud and happy to hear that you’re starting to focus on yourself. Yes, I agree with you: showering, cleaning, limiting alcohol intake, and even being tired enough to go to bed are all good things. I hope you continue being kind to yourself.

Admittedly, I’d fallen into a similar rut. While I get plenty of social interaction at the academy, my extra-curricular life has been…non-existent. I come home to my tower, I usually remember to eat, I grade papers, stay up entirely too late researching, and then attempt to get enough sleep to repeat that schedule ad nauseum. The cleanliness of my home, and myself, had been sorely neglected. But as you are focusing on self-improvement, I shall endeavor to do likewise.

Speaking of self-improvement, that’s where the letter-writing idea came from. Rather, through Tara’s efforts to help me during my year of isolation. She’d suggested I do some journalling to write out my thoughts and emotions regarding Mystra. Not only to get them to stop rolling around in my head, but to be able to articulate them. It did help, quite immeasurably, in fact. That’s why I’m so thankful you’ve agreed to this in the first place. I feel like it will serve us well. [A filled-in purple heart was drawn here.]

Actually, I can’t tell you how many letters I started writing to you in the last six months. I really did try. It just always felt…wrong, somehow. Like it wasn’t the right time, or my words weren’t sincere, or they’d fall on deaf ears. But I’m so glad we’re ‘talking’ now. I’ve missed you, Tav… [A filled-in but broken purple heart was drawn here.]

Tell me what you’ve been up to! Tell me your thoughts. Tell me any and everything you want to. I’ll be waiting to take it all in.

Yours,

Gale

[To the left on the bottom, Gale had drawn an open book with an ink pot and a quill. In the middle on the bottom, Tara had been drawn, wings outstretched, lying down, eyes closed, with a small note: (Tara’s sleeping on my desk and she’s adorable!). On the right under his signature, Gale drew a wand with sparkling stars and a curved line of weave making a flourish.]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dear Gale – [Here, she had drawn a wand with stars similar to the one he’d put by his name in his letter]

Thank you for saying that you’ve wanted to talk this whole time. That makes me feel so much better. I never put quill to parchment, but I started countless letters in my head. Like you said, it just never felt right. [After this, Tav drew a scroll, an ink pot, and a quill.]

This does feel like the right path at the right time, but to be honest, Gale…I’m scared. I’m scared to put everything on the table again. With how much I got we got hurt last time we allowed ourselves to be vulnerable with each other, I can’t go through that again. Nor do I want you to go through it again. [Tav had drawn two filled in broken hearts after this paragraph.]

It humbles me to think you feel I’m deserving of good things. Truly. I don’t feel like I am, so I suppose it’s good that someone in this world does. Your encouragement in taking care of myself is unexpected, but ultimately not surprising. That’s just who you are. I’m thankful to hear that you’re taking it upon yourself to improve as well. [Here, Tav had drawn some grapes and cheese on a plate, and to the right of it, a broom and dust pan.]

I fully understand, however, that you can’t forgive me, at least not yet. (I wouldn’t forgive me either.) Hopefully I can begin to earn it over time. I’m not going to sit here and defend my actions with trying to find solace in Mizora’s…experience. It wasn’t even fulfilling, if it makes you feel any better. (It won’t, I know you). It was just tricks of the mind and a devil’s words of promises for things I didn’t even desire. (Perhaps the ‘old me’ would have.) I regretted it immediately, yet it has marked me forever.

But I know that how it left me afterwards is not the point. The point is why I let myself go along with it in the first place. I’ve done a lot of thinking in the last months, especially since the reunion. Let me preface this by saying that I am not shifting the blame. I still made the decision to give in. However, after days and weeks of your near-obsession with the Crown of Karsus, I could see that look in your eyes. You couldn’t stop thinking about the power it could offer. Power that we know all too well would only corrupt you and change you. Then, your meeting with Mystra, introducing her back into your life with her deal to get rid of the orb for the crown… I could feel you slipping away from me.

[On the left side by the words Crown of Karsus, Tav had drawn the crown with a big ‘X’ through it. Near where Mystra is mentioned, she drew a scared ‘Mystra,’ identified as ‘witch bitch,’ being threatened by Tav with a dagger.’]

What I should have done was keep talking to you, seeking reassurance. I should have spat in Mizora’s face and told her to get the fuck out. [In this area, Tav drew herself spitting in Mizora’s face.] I should have sought solace in your embrace, in your words, in your love… But one thing I need you to understand: I was brought up my whole life to be let down. Every success came with a defeat. Every win came with a loss. Every gift came with a sacrifice. You were the most important gift I will ever have in this world or the next. I was positive I was going to lose it, so…I don’t know. I think maybe I wanted to push it from myself first before it was taken outside of my control? Mizora approaching me with her “offer”… She knew exactly what she was doing: giving me an “out” that she knew I would take because I was at my most vulnerable.

For all my accolades being a “Hero of Baldur’s Gate” and savior to many, I clearly didn’t have the strength to stand up to her temptations. I let her use the fact that I have major trust issues to weasel her way into my deepest fears and exploit them. I didn’t have a chance. It doesn’t excuse my actions, but I hope it at least explains them.

I’m running out of parchment. You asked what I’ve been up to. If it’s of any comfort, things are going well enough. I’m eating mostly regularly, I’m keeping up with the chores, and I’m even starting to finally organize some garden space in the yard. I’m trying to spend some time outside every day, and I’ve replaced the wine with various teas. They’re small steps, but they’re steps.

I don’t know if I’ve gotten us closer to any kind of resolution, but hopefully my words can fill in some of the gaps. I look forward to hearing your response.

Thank you, by the way, for giving me something to look forward to again.

I’ve missed you too. Very much so.

Humbly yours,

Tav

[At the bottom left of the page, she drew a cup of tea]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dearest Tav, [to the right of the greeting, it says in smaller writing (I apologize for the condition of this letter. It was rather difficult to write.) The letter is littered with smudges where tears had fallen and letter had been re-written over them.]

As I wrote my last letter and have been pondering your response, it weighs on me just how grave a mistake I also made. The blame for our downfall does not fully rest with you. (Let me finish…)

Feeling like you’re not worthy, like you made too big of a mistake to recover from; you know how familiar I am with those thoughts. Looking back, this means I should have been the one who was there for you the most. Yet I wasn’t. I was the furthest one away.

I agree with you that my anger was justified. I’d felt like I’d been told I wasn’t enough for you, which is exactly what I feared from the beginning. In my mind, you had openly told the entire world that Gale Dekarios, fallen Archmage of Waterdeep, scorned by Mystra herself, could not, in fact, make you or anyone else happy. You had to go find your pleasure elsewhere.

Where my mistake lies is in never stopping to think how much you had to have been hurting in order to find solace in Mizora in the first place. I don’t think I even gave you the chance to confirm you hadn’t been possessed, quite frankly. It’s no wonder your defenses went up immediately. My reaction, while potentially understandable, was absolutely awful.

I am so sorry that I never gave you a chance to talk things through before letting my hurt and rage take over. What I should have done was walk away and screamed into the void instead of at you before hearing any kind of explanation. I suppose I figured there would never be one good enough. Never did I think until recently that I could have possibly had something to do with you feeling pushed in that direction. I should have been more reassuring. I should have given you no reason to doubt my love for you and my dedication to you.

The possibilities that came with the crown had taken over my waking thoughts, and even infiltrated my dreams. Providing an eternal life without conflicts for both you and I sounded like the perfect solution, and I became hyper-focused. You had tried telling me that you were scared, that you didn’t want me to lose my humanity. I just still thought I was smarter and had this whole grand plan all figured out and you would realize it eventually.

[Before the next paragraph is drawn an infinity symbol, a heart nestled into the loops on either side.]

But I didn’t do enough to put your mind at ease. I didn’t help you understand that I wouldn’t have actually left had it come down to choosing between you and the crown. I never, never would have left you, Tav. As I shouted rather rudely before, I only ever truly wanted you. I assumed you knew that beyond a shadow of a doubt, so I didn’t spend any time reinforcing it. I let my focus drift too far. Then, I left you scared and alone afterwards with no chance to explain. I, the ex-Chosen and ex-lover of a goddess, from whom he should have learned humility after his hubris, the man to whom you showed so much kindness and understanding and support when anyone else would have run in the other direction, I couldn’t even show a fraction of that back to you.

Taviela, my heart, I am so, so incredibly sorry that I wasn’t there for you. When you pulled me from that portal and later heard my harrowing tale of foolishness and desperation, you stood by me. You took care of me and encouraged me, and I threw that back in your face at the first opportunity. It will be a long time before I can forgive myself for that. But I humbly, honestly, and hopefully ask if you could ever forgive me. I understand if you cannot, but know that I will spend the rest of my life proving myself to you.

Please keep telling me your thoughts, Tav. I want to hear them. I need to hear them.

Repentantly yours,

Gale

P.S. I’m far too emotional at the moment to do many little doodles, but yours warm my heart. Please keep doing them. [A filled in heart was drawn here. He had also drawn a simple version of the wand and stars under his name.]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

My Dearest Gale, [Across the top of the page was a wand, a wavy line of weave, and small stars.]

I’ve been staring at this parchment for at least an hour, but I haven’t been able to write anything until now. I’m sobbing at your words. Your insight about everything I put you through, the weight of what happened after all your hurts and insecurities from Mystra and the orb, the fear of being inadequate to me… That weight is almost too much to bear. I’ve berated myself for months now for hurting you, but the full impact never hit me until I read it in your words. I want to fall on my knees and cry at your feet and beg for mercy. But how could you possibly ever forgive me? I’m sorrier than you will ever know for allowing you causing you to feel that way again.

Also, to think that you are taking any of this upon yourself so strongly, I really don’t know what to say about that either. I still feel like this is all due to my deficiencies. My weaknesses. My fuck-ups. But I can understand where you’re coming from, wanting to take some responsibility. All I’ll say is that there is nothing to forgive anymore. I hold no more ill will towards you. We both acted like children throwing tantrums, but we were each already pushed to our limits and didn’t stop to think about, well, anything, really.  [Tav had drawn 5 filled in hearts here, along with writing (I don’t know what else to doodle here because I’m also emotional).]

It feels cheap to keep coming back to my upbringing, but it’s an unfortunate reality where I’m concerned. Everything was always a bitter fight of either words or daggers. There was no real “communication” to speak of. There were no “feelings” shared. It was all cruel lessons with harsh punishments. ‘Be a bitch, or get walked over’ was something I told myself a lot. I never truly learned to stop and step back and give things time to breathe. Putting myself in another person’s shoes is something I’ve forced myself to learn, especially during our adventures.

I have a confession to make. When I (literally) ran into you in Waterdeep a few months ago, it wasn’t just happenstance. I’d come there with a purpose. The downward spiral had begun weeks prior and I was nearing rock bottom. I came to look for you. To see if you were possibly even half as miserable as I was without you. I was certain you would be, and that it would give me a reason to approach you. We would be on common ground and might actually be able to talk. [On the right side of the page, Tav had drawn an open book sitting in a puddle of water in the rain. On the pages of the book it said ‘I’m sorry about the books.’]

But then I saw you. You were in the marketplace, smiling, making small talk with the merchants, even laughing with them. You looked full of life. You looked like you were doing just fine – without me. My heart dropped into my shoes and I’d considered just walking away, never letting you see I was even there. But something in me snapped. I apparently just had to get in a couple more digs before I walked away forever. That was childish and unacceptable and I’m sorry I put you in that position. (I don’t blame you one bit for the Hold Person spell, for the record. I deserved it.) [Tav had drawn the symbol for the Hold Person spell here, along with Tav approves.]

Please forgive me, but I’m emotionally spent. I think I’ll wrap this up to send in the morning, go sit on the back porch with a cup of tea, and just think for a while.

Still yours,

Tav

[Along the left side of the bottom of the page, Tav drew a small flower garden. On the right side, a cup of tea.]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

My Darling Taviela, [On the right side of the top of the page was carefully drawn an eternity symbol. Inside each side was a heart – a G written in the one on the left, a T written in the one on the right. Next to it, Gale wrote:] (I’ve been doodling this a lot lately.)

My heart aches for you, for us both. You’re right. There’s nothing to forgive anymore. We were both stretched so far beyond our limits, no wonder we broke down. We both have acted out of turn, we both have put ourselves through the wringer, and we both built impossibly high walls around ourselves. I’m happy to say that I believe we can push those walls down now. I want to move forward in whatever way we can, even if that ends up being as friends (though judging by your comments, it doesn’t sound like that will be the case, but please correct me if I’m reading the situation incorrectly).

I have a confession for you, in light of your revelations regarding our “run-in” in the marketplace. It was all an act to save face out in public. The laughter, the ‘life’ you say you saw in me, the light-hearted interactions – they were all a façade. I was miserable without you, however angry I was. After that interaction, it got even worse. I felt awful immediately, leaving you standing there shivering in the rain. [Gale had drawn a hand getting smacked by a ruler with words in a bubble outlined in sharp angles: BAD WIZARD!] I couldn’t believe that, even though there was some provocation, that I’d still reverted to such a childish response. I sank further into my depressive state. I almost didn’t come to the reunion with our companions either, actually. It felt like more of an effort to get myself put together than I was capable of. Fortunately, Tara snapped me out of it.

Speaking of Tara, I’ve been working on getting her to be more understanding. I’m sure you have noticed that her protectiveness of me overrides any kind of empathetic nature towards anyone who has caused me even a lick of hurt. But she’s come a long way in understanding both sides of our…predicament. I’ll keep at it, for both of our sakes. [A trail of small paw prints was drawn after this.]

I’m pleased to say that I’ve been keeping up with the cleaning, [on the right side of the page, Gale doodled a robed hand holding a sparking wand next to two balls of dust that look like rabbits. Underneath was written, (dust bunnies).] I feel like I finally have a handle on my students and my lesson-planning, and I’ve found joy in cooking meals again. Too much time is being spent grading sub-par assignments in the evenings, I’ll admit, but it comes with the territory. My heart has been all the lighter in the last couple of weeks, and it’s all thanks to you: your words, your patience, and willingness to work on…well, us.

What have you been up to lately? Any more adventuring opportunities coming your way? Are you doing any traveling? I wonder if there’s any chance our paths might cross in the near future.

I’ll admit, my mind has been wandering to thoughts of seeing you again. I miss the warmth of your embrace, the sparkle in your smile, the feeling of home when I look into your eyes – I feel like a part of me has been missing since our falling out.

I was actually thinking… What would you say to coming back to Waterdeep for a proper visit?

Take care of yourself, my darling [a filled-in heart was drawn here]

Gale (no fancy drawing in my name this time. Just me, missing you.) [above this, Gale had drawn a side profile of himself from the chest up, looking down, eyes closed, a tear falling from his eye.]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The letters had been going back and forth at a regular, weekly pace. It was about six weeks after the reunion, which already seemed like forever ago. They had come so far, and his words made her realize that she missed him more than she knew was possible.

However, when Tav saw the last question in Gale’s letter, she froze. Her chest tightened and her breath quickened. She got dizzy, her hands shook, and her mind raced, tears threatening to overflow onto her cheeks. She was having a panic attack.

She threw the letter in her top desk drawer, slammed it shut, ran down the hall, and pulled the lever for her shower without bothering to warm the water first. Fully clothed, she stood underneath the cold deluge until her breathing slowed and she could process her thoughts.

The nausea was back. She sat on the floor on a towel and just let the water drip off her. Tucking her knees up to her chin, she stared at the wall and focused on her breathing. She wanted nothing more than for Gale to walk in the room right now, pick her up, and hold her in his lap, caressing her hair and whispering comforting words to her until she felt better. But as much as she wanted to feel his arms around her, to smell his scent, to run her fingers through his hair and more, she was absolutely terrified.

All she could think of as she started rocking back and forth was that she was going to end up hurting him again. She cried and cried until she resigned herself to lying down on the floor and crying herself to sleep, shivering in her damp clothes.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A week went by and there was no response from Tav. Gale tried to brush it off, attempting to convince himself that perhaps she had gotten a chance to do some traveling, and was running behind sending her letter.

Nine days went by and his resolve started to falter. He replayed every word in his head that he’d written in his last letter. Was he moving ahead too fast? Did he assume too much? Did he push her too far? He ached to see her, to hear her voice, and to comfort her. But he could NOT let himself fuck things up again…

On the tenth day, he sent just a short message in hurried writing, requested for the utmost urgent delivery.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Tav,

I’m truly, deeply sorry if I’m pushing you too far. You don’t have to answer the last question. We can continue just writing if that’s what makes you comfortable. I’ll do whatever you need, but I cannot, I will not lose you again.

Please, talk to me, my love.

Gale [A filled in heart was drawn after his name.]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Sleep never found him that night. He let his brain run through every worst-case scenario it could come up with. Tears were still crawling down his face every so often as he saw the faintest colors of the dawn coming to greet the eleventh day. Thank the gods he had the next couple of days off for Midsummer…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

On the afternoon of the twelfth day, Tav’s response arrived. Gale didn’t even go back inside or shut the door. He ripped open the envelope and tried to steady his breathing as his shaky hands held her letter. He let himself take a deep breath and fall back against his door frame as he read:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

My precious Gale,

I am so very sorry for the delayed response and for making you worry. I don’t know what came over me, but when I saw you asking to see each other again…I panicked. I had a full-on panic attack, after which, I slept for days. I lost all track of what day it was or how much time had gone by. I kept picking up my quill and the words just wouldn’t come. I’m so sorry. Your words in the message I received today snapped me back out of it. Thank you for checking on me. [A filled-in heart was drawn here.]

Gale, I can’t bear the thought of hurting you again. I’m not saying that I don’t want to see you. Believe me, nothing would make me happier. My dreams of getting to be near you, to hold you again, to be held by you, they are my greatest source of comfort. But we haven’t spent any time together in person since the reunion, and we spent months before that acting like completely different people.

What if we can’t change, Gale? What if seeing each other brings out all the anger and spite again? I can’t forgive myself, even if you have. I don’t know what to say – I can’t lose you again either, I won’t survive it. And I fear that I will become upset by something and fall back into my old ways of dealing with arguments: with juvenile pettiness and venomous words. I’m so scared…

In fact, I’m going to deflect now so I don’t dissolve into another panic attack.

To answer your other questions – honestly, adventuring hasn’t happened in a while. I was being truthful at the reunion when I said I’d been adventuring and helping people. But coming back from Waterdeep is when I started to shut everyone out. My house descended into chaotic messes that I didn’t have the energy to clean, I stopped eating regularly, I was drinking at least a bottle of wine a day, and I slept all the time. I have enough money set aside that I can get away with not working for quite a while, but that won’t last forever.

The gardening is going well now though! I haven’t killed so much as a tomato plant! I’m growing flowers and selling bundles here and there. I’m also growing my own vegetables and some fruits, though I haven’t begun selling those yet. I’m getting the itch to start baking, however… I’ve found a great deal of fulfillment in creating (growing) some kind of life now instead of dwelling on the memories of taking it. [Along the left side of the page, she drew a tomato plant crawling up the side. Along the right, she drew a plate of danishes and a cup of tea.]

I’m so sorry again for worrying you. I just froze because I don’t want you to get hurt. I’ll get this sent to you as quickly as I can, but please tell me your thoughts. I’m hoping your insight can be of some comfort.

With all my heart,

Your Tav

[At the bottom of the letter, Tav drew the same symbol Gale had been doodling on everything he could: the eternity symbol with the hearts in the middle, one with a G, one with a T. Next to it, she wrote:] (I tried… Yours looks much nicer.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

My sweet Taviela, [Their infinity symbol with hearts and their initials was on the top right.]

Thank you for explaining the reason for the delay. I completely understand, and I’m sorry to have caused you to panic. If I may offer some encouragement, however, perhaps I can help quiet your heart.

Neither of us are under anywhere near the amount of pressure and stress that we were at the time back in Baldur’s Gate. We are taking care of ourselves now as individuals, fully independent of others, and neither is a crutch for the other. This bodes well for quelling any fears of being too dependent on each other for our own good.

We’ve seen what damage can be done by careless words and actions, and we’ve walked back from that ledge – together. Now we’ll be more aware of the warning signs should we become frustrated with each other again. We’ve talked about what we can do to avoid arguments in the future, like walking away for a breather, should we need to. Lest you have any unrealistic expectations, please remember that we will become frustrated with each other and we will likely have some arguments. That’s only natural for any two beings that have a close relationship. But we have some experience now and wisdom gained. I truly believe that we can be better for each other. We can change. Together. [A filled in heart is drawn here along the left side of the page.]

If you are comfortable thinking about the possibility of visiting, I have a proposition for you. Some simple guidelines that will help keep us in check as we try spending time together again, under completely different circumstances.

-          I will get you set up in a lovely room at The Yawning Portal for one week. The bartender owes me a favor for clearing out some riffraff a few weeks ago. Then you can have a place you feel comfortable retreating to without feeling trapped in my tower, should you wish to get some space.

-          So as to not put too much pressure on either of us too quickly, we can have a date each day, but we don’t spend the entire day together (at least not every day). It may be midsummer, but I still have regular responsibilities with the academy that I need to see to. Besides, that will give us time to individually reflect on our time together and how we’re feeling.

-          At the end of the week, we can talk about how things have gone and what direction we should go at that point. We won’t pressure each other, and we’ll agree that we won’t be disappointed if one person needs more time than the other. Above all, we need to make sure our friendship stays in tact.

So, what do you say? Look! I even got Tara’s stamp of approval! [On the side of the page is an ink pawprint.] (Do you have any idea how much convincing it took to get her to put her paw in ink? I owe her tuna for weeks…)

I won’t pressure you, but if you’re amenable to this plan, we can do this as soon as you’d like – even next week. Having said all that, if you still want to take things slower and keep writing letters for now, I will fully support that decision and be delighted to keep doing so.

If you will allow me, however, I would like to make one last plea: I want to see you, Taviela. I need to see you. My heart aches for you and my arms feel so painfully empty without you in them. I long to curl my fingers into your hair, to hear your contended sighs, to be lit up inside by your laughter, and, when you’re ready, to make love to you and cover you in affectionate, healing kisses until every hurtful word we’ve ever exchanged is erased from memory itself.

I know you’re scared, my darling. But I believe in us. I believe things will be different this time around. I hope and pray to every god and goddess who will listen that you can find it in your heart to take the risk.

Come here to me, my love, and we can keep walking our way forward - together. [A filled in heart is drawn here.]

I eagerly await your reply, whatever it may be.

Yours always,

Gale [A doodle of a wand surrounded by stars is by his name.]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Tav’s hands trembled. Gods, she missed him so much it physically hurt. Especially now that she knew how much he was missing her as well. Sitting at her desk, she re-read his last full paragraph with tears flooding her vision and heart filling her chest, not to mention a familiar heat between her thighs. She knew at that moment that her desire and her renewed trust in Gale Dekarios FINALLY outweighed her fears. She didn’t even need to think about her response. It was short and sweet:   

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Gale, my love, [Their eternity/hearts/initials symbol was drawn on the top right.]

I’ll set out tomorrow by horse from Daggerford and will arrive at the Yawning Portal on Sunday evening around dinner time. I sincerely hope your arms will be waiting for me, because I’ll be rushing into them the moment I see you. [A filled-in heart was drawn in.]

Just don’t be holding a stack of books this time… [ Tav had drawn a doodle of a winking face here.]

Yours always,

Tav

P.S. I doubt we’ll be waiting long for those healing kisses… I know we’re going to space out our time together, but stay with me the first night? Help me “settle in” to Waterdeep? [Tav sketched a set of lip prints in the bottom right.]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Tears fell from Gale’s eyes, but happy ones this time. He could tell his cheeks were flushed too from her “P.S.”… He laughed at her jab about the books, then folded up the letter and brought it to his lips, kissing the edge she would have folded with her soft hands.

He had planning to do. 

[bekolxeram]

8x03 predictions

So... yeah, kid is landing that plane, and I'm very happy about it.

Wasn't trying to jinx it when I made that post a few hours ago about the jump seat plugging that hole in the cockpit. I was about to write how disastrous it would be if the jump seat flies off, taking more chunks of the fuselage/wiring with it and sending more debris towards to cabin and potentially the engines.

Apparently, it will indeed fly off in 8x03, and the result is catastrophic. So they will lose the ability to turn, it can be due to all sorts of reasons. I can see the screens still lit up, so probably not a total electrical failure. It can be a dual engine failure, and they can't make drastic turns and risk losing precious airspeed and altitude, but I think I can still hear the engine in the sneak peek? The number one culprit of total inability to make flight control inputs in an airliner is the total loss of hydraulic systems (all 3). I can see maybe debris damaging the hydraulic lines but neither Jem nor Athena have the knowledge to stop the hydraulic leak before it's too late?

Anyway, the result is still the same, they can't turn. Flying/gliding due north is their only option.

Obviously, there's no ocean north of Los Angeles, but also you don't want to ditch in water unless you absolutely have no other choice. Water is incompressible, and the ocean is wavy. If you hit a wall of wave while ditching the plane, it's exactly like hitting a brick wall, and the plane will break apart.

TW: plane crash

An open field or a multi-lane highway is their best option.

If they've indeed lost all hydraulics, braking will obviously be an issue too, since they'll also lose reverse thrust and spoilers.

You know what? There was a case of an airliner (DC-9) making an emergency landing on a rural highway, Southern Airways Flight 242 in 1977. The touchdown itself was pretty successful, just a bit bouncy, but its left wing unfortunately hit a roadside gas station during the rollout, so it triggered an explosion, swerved to the left and ended up crashing. If that plane could land firmly on the ground on a narrow road back in the 70s, Athena's plane can land on a wide city highway too. It won't be pleasant or risk-free, but at least it's not a death sentence.

As for Tommy's involvement in this opening disaster, I've said it many times, but I'll say it again: I don't think it makes sense narratively for him to play hero and land the plane. Real life constraints (money) also limit him from being in a helicopter on screen. The only way he'll be seen in 8x03 is working on the ground, helping with the rescue. Any other way he'll just be mentioned at best. I pray that he'll be there running towards Buck all worried because the plane barely misses the 119 truck.

You're asking what's with the 217 truck if he's not in 8x03? Well, obviously the show won't get a new truck with a new station number for nothing, so maybe Tommy and the 217 are planned to be heavily featured in future episodes?

Oh, let's not forget Dennis Jenkins, I think he's likely to be in danger.

This is classic famous last words. Athena will have to take on the burden just in time before Jenkins takes his last breath.

If he's not dying, then there'll still be drama related to him. Those dirty cops are looking for him and their plane is currently all over the news. Athena will need to find a way to sneak him out to safety.

[tobiasdrake]

Dragon Ball Daima 01x09 - Thieves

Alright, one Dragon Ball down. What's next?

It's a perfect plan. I'm not hearing any objections. Look at those eyes. Those are the eyes of someone who likes this plan and is excited to be a part of it.

Worst case scenario, we get caught, Goku fucks up a few more cops, and then we can fall back on sleeping on rocks. He just defeated a Tamagami. It is pretty firmly established that there is nothing in Daimakai that could ever touch him.

Yeah, it's the Nyoibou that stands out here. Only nyoibou. Out of every single thing about Goku's appearance right now, the stick is the part that will make people jerk straight up in their seats and go "Holy shit, it's him."

Thank you.

These clowns were legit about to walk right in there, flashing the spoils of Goku's unprecedented and historic victory against a Tamagami around. I'm glad Kaioshin, at least, has two brain cells to knock together.

Goddammit, Kaioshin. You know better than to leave Goku unsupervised during a stealth mission! This is on you!

...from who?

Who would buy one Dragon Ball out of a set that still requires you to defeat two impossibly powerful ultra-foes to collect the others? This is a terrible plan.

The Three-Star Ball in Goku's bag is invaluable. But also kinda worthless. I can't imagine there's much overlap on the Venn Diagram of "People capable of claiming the other two Dragon Balls" and "People buying stolen goods from the black market."

These guys really want to risk an altercation with the guy who defeated the Tamagami in order to steal an artifact that no one would ever buy. They'd be better off calling the cops and asking if there's a bounty on Goku's head.

Appropriate response. You're nasty, Goku. At least ask Piccolo to teach you Clothes Beam so you can conjure fresh dogis out of thin air.

Okay, so we are now using Panzy's Not-Dragon Radar to track a Dragon Ball.

Is it weird that I'm kind of proud of them for this? Like. Someone went out of their way to contrive a new way in which Panzy could be specifically Bulma-adjacent and make it work in-universe. It was a long walk to this pier, and I don't know why they wanted to come to this pier but I'm proud of them for making it.

Is it, though, Banana Beak?

I think Goku's the one making a lot of sense here. And you should probably feel ashamed of yourself when you're losing a debate to Son Goku.

Goku has to be letting them play Dragon Ball Keep-Away for shits and giggles. He can teleport.

Spoilsport.

Aww, she won his approval. I mean, he sucks and who cares what he thinks, but still. D'aww.

The funny thing about Glorio, now that we know what his deal is, is that he thinks he's going to be allowed to betray them. He honestly seems to think that is a thing that will happen.

Sorry, my dude. Once you're in an anime nakama, there's no going back. Just ask poor Vegeta, who once made a temporary alliance to face the Ginyus together that spiraled wildly out of control, and now he's Bulma's himbo arm candy. This team owns your soul now.

"I'll stay up and keep watch" says a person whose only interest or hobby is one that physically fatigues him. Goku made bad choices.

XD It's good to know that Makai #3 is just fucking lousy with plane thieves. Bulma and Vegeta's first day in Daimakai is exactly the same as Goku and Kaioshin's.

XD That's really all he knows about it.

Why do I feel like this is going to be important?

Gomah really thought he could just go zap all the people who vanquished Majin Buu with cosmic fuckery, kidnap their deity, and then fuck off. And they'd just... let him go.

Oh, there we go. I forgot about that. That's definitely the thing on Hybis's belt.

At last, the most important characters meet.

They will either instantly hit it off or ironically hate each other.

When Team Goku was landing in the cop shuttle, I was half expecting for it to be actual cops and then there's a big mistake altercation.

Team Goku seriously just came to say, "Hi, how ya doin'. Anyways," and then fuck right off. The two parties are remaining separate even though we just reunited. XD Why is Team Bulma even in the show? Comic relief?

Oh, that's... actually a pretty cool idea. Bulma and her crew will go handle the plot while Goku's off fighting the unbeatable Tamagamis. And then, presumably, they'll come back together for whatever Next-Gen Majin Buu thing Dr. Arinsu is whipping up.

I'm here for this.

Now that he's officially part of the show for realsies, Vegeta gets an establishing fight that's basically the same as Goku's bar fight, just more.

And also Piccolo is nearby, getting to throw exactly one punch. To be fair, I made a point before of how Goku technically did defeat Majin Buu but really doesn't actually, like... He can throw hands with Buu, but he's still sorely outclassed. Gohan's the only one who can face Buu in a straight fight and win.

But on the spectrum of characters who can throw hands with Buu, Piccolo is....

...not.

Piccolo is just not. He peaked in his Android 17 fight and ceased to be a relevant fighter afterwards.

Since we're in the area of "Less than Cell" for most of the powers we're going to encounter here, excluding the Tamagamis and Dr. Arinsu's project, that's fine. Being able to throw hands with 17 makes Piccolo reasonably well-leveled to this environment. But being attached at the hip to Vegeta? ...yeah, it makes sense he only got to throw one punch.

...they're not seriously saying that Saibamen are Majin too. They can't... No, I refuse. Do Saibamen even have ears!?

Oh goddammit.

Not everything in the Dragon Ball universe has to be Majin. Can't wait to find out that Frieza and Cold were secretly Majin all along too, and their... whatever's going on there is just a fancy version of pointy ears. Somehow.

Namekians and Kaioshin, I was like, "Yeah, okay, sure, whatever. This was already kinda-sorta canon." But this one actually bothers me.

I still love that Dr. Arinsu's witch's broom is a hookah. She's just over there getting stoned while Marba works.

He looks like Golden Frieza.

Why.

Why is he Golden Frieza.

I was being sarcastic. So help me, if this does end up being somehow linked to Frieza I will throw things.

[inkwell-intermission]

Who drives and who gets shotgun?

I'll try to keep this kinda brief probably but it's divided up by group for the most part. Midnight Crew: Slick or Boxcars drives, usually Slick because he can fit into the driver's seat more often. It's not like Droog can't drive, but he's a little too lax and doesn't take any risks. He can't drive in a high stakes getaway or important situation- He kind of enjoys setting off other drivers. Slick's a good driver but he's got road rage. Boxcars is a good driver but he can't always fit in the driver's seat- he's the best driver, cars just don't always fit him. Deuce does not drive because He cannot usually reach the pedals and he is easily distracted and has a habit of hitting things like mailboxes or curbs or pedestrians. Droog or Deuce usually get passenger seat if Slick is driving. There isn't usually enough room for Boxcars in the passenger's seat anyway, but Slick usually picks Droog over Deuce for shotgun, and Boxcars will pick any of the three depending on the circumstance. For the most part though, Deuce and Droog like shotgun when Boxcars drives. Both Boxcars and Slick are backseat drivers. When traveling solo, somwhat rare, Deuce takes public transport. The buses wish they had metal detectors but they do not and it has cost them at least one bus. Team Sleuth: Ace Dick or Sleuth drive. Pickle Inspector is too anxious and dissociates too much to drive reliably when they're in a proper car. Ace has the nicer car, so they usually take that, but he won't let anyone else drive it, and Sleuth almost always sits shotgun if anyone does. Sometimes Ace's minigun sits shotgun instead. When Sleuth drives there's usually no one in passenger seat. Pickle inspector drives if it's a little light blue moped held together with hopes and dreams and tape and he wears a little helmet for it with his tiny hat on top of it that he never loses somehow. He cannot be trusted to operate heavy machinery . He can drive imaginary cars though. The Felt: There is a lot of them so this one's tough. Some of the felt are allowed to drive, but not all of them are, and some of them are not allowed to drive or ride shotgun. Good at/allowed to drive: Crowbar, Quarters, Trace/Fin, Matchsticks. not allowed to drive: Itchy, Eggs/Biscuits, Cans, Doze, Die. doesn't drive: Stitch, Sawbuck, Clover (requires pedal extensions which can be costly time-wise), Snowman. Not allowed to sit shotgun: Cans (too tall and wide to fit), Doze (too slow in a pinch), Die (too scared), Eggs (duplication risk in front of car is too big), Itchy (unless Crowbar is driving b/c he's too disruptive), Sawbuck (if injured the most useful pair of hands will disappear if not the entire vehicle and everyone inside it).

Best ones to sit shotgun: Trace, Fin, Clover, Quarters. Itchy is allowed to sit up front if its a full bench but only if Clover is in the way of him and the driver.