#AND maybe even more importantly show what i'm most proud of.

[moe-broey]

Contained. (Not pictured: Two different WIP folders bc they're a secret 😌)

And since I've learned I have zero object permanence and three ring binders are where all my art goes to die very painfully in purgatory

I'm hoping. This will resolve that (Load Bearing Takumi and Henry Fire Emblem)

Finally ran out of pages in my sketchbook, you know what that means!

The. Pile

I think I should like. Get into scrapbooking or something 🫡

[bluehourbucky]

the sundress

pairing: yelena belova x f!reader

summary: yelena being a tease

warnings: sexual content; fingering; teasing;

a/n: ugh I don't know what happened. imma go to horny jail.

minors do not interact

18+ only under the cut

[masterlist]

---------------------------------------------------

you love your yelena. you really do love her.

but sometimes, you don't know what to do with her.

today was supposed to be a nice day, very chill . you got invited to one of your co-workers' baby showers, and you were allowed a plus one. who else would you bring than your girlfriend. yelena happily agreed to go.

as you were getting ready to go you look over at your naked girlfriend straight out of the shower, you wait for her to put on any underwear- she's not big on bras, but panties at least. no, yelena decided to slip on a white sundress with cherry's on it, it's so short and flowy that if a little breeze flows through you could literally see her ass. and the low cut doesn't help either.....

it's the only dress that makes you absolutely feral where you have no other thoughts but to want to fuck her.

"sweetheart, no. this is a baby shower, you can't do this to me." you whine but your girlfriend gives you a big smile, and of course a twirl.

"моя любовь, you love this dress, no?" yelena pecks your lips and heads for the door. she's going to be the death of you.

and you're so not proud of the way how you arrived to your coworkers place. you're a good driver and most importantly a very safe driver. however, you can't lie and say that your fingers haven't been buried deep inside yelenas pussy making her cum twice while driving with one hand on a highway.

"this was nice." yelena teases while cleaning herself up because if you started cleaning her, she would be even more messy than she already was. you glare at her while cleaning up your fingers, and she just laughs at you - how dare she.

"hi! welcome welcome! you must be yelena I have heard so much about you!" your co worker greets both of you with a happy smile urging you to come in.

the party is set up in their backyard, they recently moved to a bigger house wanting to accommodate their new addition.

yelena quickly finds people to talk to and you love that about her, she manages to light up any space she ever blesses with her presence.

but she's driving you insane - she's giving you a show, and you literally can not do anything about it. yelena twirls the hem of her dress, occasionally lifting it just a little. and whenever it gets just a tad bit colder, her nipples go hard - that's when she takes the opportunity to give you a kiss on the cheek brushing her chest over yours.

it's insane what she does to you without even touching you, you're sure you've ruined another pair of panties because of this.

she's going to be the death of you, you just know it.

"do you know if she's single, you seem like good friends?" you almost choke on your drink when one guy asks and points to yelena. trying so hard not to roll your eyes, men are so gross and oblivious.

"wouldn't know maybe you should ask her?" being a stupid man, he doesn't realise you're being sarcastic. to be fair, he literally saw you kiss yelena multiple times and still called you friends.

you watch as he leaves and you almost fall from the chair when yelena turns to you and gives you the disgusted look when he asks her for her number.

"what was that about? jeez, men are gross." she plops down on your lap, and kisses you. you happily accept her kiss and caress her thigh, squeezing it lightly.

"you're getting punished for this, you know that darling?" you say looking straight into her eyes.

" oh i'm counting on that." yelena stands up, smiles cheekily and walks away giving you a full view of her ass for a short second by lifting the dress. luckly for her no one was around to see it or she would be in trouble

but yelena knows that she got you wrapped around her finger, but you wouldn't have it any other way.

[the end]

anyways I'm going to horny jail

also idk how to write smut so sorry for leaving yall like this

[somethingsomethingwords]

Ok so, here is another one. This is a little bit different from what I usually write or even like reading, but alas, sometimes an idea just enters your brain and just doesn't leave. Also this one has a title ig. So here it is. I hope you'll like it. Enjoy 💜

Of course I wanted you to stay

(but you didn't, no you didn't, no you didn't)

Lance was so full of adrenaline he almost dropped the mic. He was shaking from head to toe, but there was a huge grin on his face.

There was no sadness, because even if this was the last concert of the tour, it had been one of his best ones like, ever.

Also he was home, so he knew that after all the crazy partying he would do tonight, tomorrow he'd meet his sister, he'd go to that bakery that sells the best cupcakes, and he'd be able to roam the streets with his thick glasses and ugly beanie and scarf combos, and no one would recognise him.

But still, that's tomorrow. In that moment, there was the encore.

It was always different, so it was always special, but that day even more so. It was composed of three of his older songs, about pain and heartache and moving on despite the past, maybe in spite of it. He loved it very much. Because he was home, singing his first hits and he was ending one of the happiest and saddest tours of his life.

It had started great, new album, in love and energetic. Then he was left behind, alone and with nothing to show for it. Because it had to stay a secret. He had to keep his love secret. He had had no one to complain to, because the only people who knew would have been put in an uncomfortable situation, and he didn't want that. So he hid his hurt and did what he always did. He put it in his music. He sang his pain until the only hurt he could feel was the one in his throat.

It really had been a rollercoaster. But now it was the end, everything was better, and he wanted to send a last fuck you. He may have matured, but nothing would make him lose his pettiness.

So he sang.

Are you sorry like you weren't at the time?

Loving you was easy,

that's why it hurts now

The worst way to love somebody

is to watch them love somebody else

and it works out now

And sang.

Cause someone loved me,

someone fucking loved me

Someone fucking loved me,

I loved him too

Goddamn it, I was worth something,

I fuckin' earned something

I have a right to die, a right to live,

a right to choose, too. And God, no!

Of course I don't wanna feel better!

Can you fucking imagine?!

And sang.

Because, in the end,

you can see how much I loved you

from the fact that I'm fine now

It's a lie, but I say it anyhow

He put every single emotion into these songs, and finally let them go.

When the crowd roared, it all exploded.

He felt a solitary tear wet his face, but nothing could have stolen his smile. He waited for his band, then bowed and left the stage.

The night was young and he was feeling free and wild. And quite hungry, actually.

So he took his band to his favourite pub. They ate, and drank, and ate some more.

On the taxi towards his house, Lance realised that, no matter how much it had hurt, he didn't regret having what he had with Fernando.

Even the tears, even the heartbreak, they all shaped the person he was today.

He liked to think he was loyal, and dependable and kind. But most importantly, he liked to think he was better than the person he was yesterday.

His house appeared, and after paying and tipping the taxi driver, he opened the door.

Yeah, it was big and a little bit empty and a little bit cold. A little bit like his heart. But it was something to be proud of, because it was his, and he was working on it.

---

The next day he really started to rethink all of this rock star thing.

His head pounded with his heartbeat and his mouth tasted rancid.

He got up and drank some water, downing a couple of aspirins for his headache.

After the shower he felt somewhat normal, and decided to go out for breakfast.

He reached his favourite bakery and ordered two pastries to go. He wanted to retreat and lay warmly in front of the fireplace.

Lance noticed him as soon as he stepped out, but he decided to ignore him. His house wasn't that far, he could reach it quickly and without having to talk to him. For once, he wanted to thank whoever made him with long legs.

But even if he could go fast without running, so could the other.

They walked in silence, side by side, for a few minutes.

When the silence and the presence were getting to him, he abruptly stopped and turned towards the other man.

"What do you want?"

Fernando didn't deserve kindness nor gentleness. He forfeited those when he left Lance. Via text. Without explanation and blocking him immediately after.

Lance had spent too many days crying; now he wanted nothing to do with the man.

"Hello Lance. Was just around" he said, as if it explained why he was in Canada and not in England, in Monaco, hell even at home in Spain.

Lance huffed and started moving again, having had more than enough, but stopped when he felt a firm grip on his wrist.

He stared at the hand on his arm with wide eyes, before raising them to Nando's face.

"You have three seconds to either take your hand off or have it broken" he said shakily.

There must have been something in his voice that made the threat a real one, because suddenly he was free again.

"Lance, am sor..." Nando started.

"Shut up before I make you. We can't discuss here, someone could recognise you. Come to my house" surely not his finest moment, but all Lance could feel was fury. Still, he wasn't raising his voice, so he could consider it a win.

you are still protecting him, Este's voice said in his mind.

shut up, of course I am, but what else could he do?

They arrived at his house. He quickly opened the door and closed it when Fernando got in.

"You have no right to come here with your flimsy excuse and expect me to be ok with it. Now, tell me what you want and get the hell out of my house" there, simple and direct.

For a moment, Fernando seemed seriously sorry. But Lance didn't care. He was the one left behind, the one who had to pick up his pieces when he fell apart. He healed as best as he could, and he would not apologise for building up his defences.

"Lance, I am really sorry, for what's worth. I want to explain"

"You are a few months too late. At this point, I don't even know if I care. I only ever asked one thing, Alonso. One. I was ok with being kept a secret, and avoiding being seen together, and the distance. I only asked you to openly communicate and shit like that. You just left without a word" now that he had started, he couldn't seem to stop.

"You knew, I told you why I wanted that. Why I needed you to be honest and open, yet you just disappeared. I had to ask Este, who had to ask Mick. And for what. To be told that you had a new model girlfriend? So no, Alonso, I don't care anymore. It would just reopen old wounds. Now go, I'm sure you have somewhere else to be"

and someone else to be with, it wasn't said but both could hear it.

"That's not right. I have nowhere to go. Am alone, Lance" he said, something hurt and teary in his voice.

Lance was about to replicate, sharp words already on the tip of his tongue, when something in Nando's expression made him stop. His eyes showed how open he was being, how vulnerable.

Lance sighed, and led the man into the living room, making him sit on the couch, while he went into the kitchen and brought back two glasses of water. He would have preferred something stronger, but this felt too important of a moment to have it tainted by alcohol and not being in the right mind.

He sat on the opposite side of the couch, and waited for the other to start talking.

"First of all, am sorry, really. I knew it would hurt you, how I left you, but I did it anyway. And I know you have no reason to believe me or care. Am here because I believe you deserve the truth about everything"

He seemed honest, but Lance wouldn't trust him so easily, not again.

"What are you hoping for with your confession months later, mh? I'm not going to obediently come back to you, waiting to be heartbroken again. You're not gonna fuck me and leave, either. So, what do you want?" he was probably being unfair to the other man, but anger and confusion had never been a good mix of emotions for him.

"Lance, I would never..."

"Like you would never leave, Alonso? Don't make promises you can't keep and don't say things you don't mean" he interrupted, harsh and stubborn.

"You are right. I made promises and then I broke them and betrayed your trust. But I need you to know I had reasons. Not perfect, not good, but I had them" and goddamnit, Lance could feel himself beginning to soften.

just listen to him, said his conscience, suspiciously sounding like Mick.

"Would you care to explain them?" Was he being sarcastic or curious? He himself didn't know.

"Of course. Someone was starting to notice some...changes in me. I was happier, nicer, smiled more. Someone I don't like said something in a way I didn't like. Made me understand that he knew something was up, and would ruin me. So I decided that I needed to protect myself, to protect you. Left you because I couldn't see you. I knew I'm not strong enough to leave you if I saw you"

It all sounded logical, from a certain point of view, but Lance knew there was more, so he waited for the other to continue.

After a few seconds, Fernando raised his eyes, looking at Lance, before turning them down again.

"I didn't like the weakness. All the time, I was thinking about you, wanted you near. It was too much. So I thought I could just stay away, and forget about it"

about you, was left unsaid.

"And can you? Forget about it?" Lance not only wanted to know. He needed to, before going on with the conversation. He could feel his hands beginning to shake and his eyes starting to water, but he had to be sure.

Fernando immediately raised his eyes, and spoke with a tone determined and something like hope in his eyes.

"Of course I can't. I'm here right now, begging for a second chance" he said pleadingly.

"Then beg" Lance said, not meanly, but he also wasn't feeling particularly charitable, and it was better to make some things clear from the beginning: he wasn't going to repeat the same mistakes. He wasn't the young man staring at his teen crush, starry eyed and in love and grateful for every scrap of attention and affection. He was older, maybe a little bit more bitter, a little bit wiser. Fernando left some marks onto his heart, and he wasn't going to refresh them for nothing less than certainty.

"Lance, please give me another chance. I know I fucked up, was so wrong. I'm begging you, let me fix this. However long it takes, is ok. Just, tell me you'll think about forgiving me, and starting again" he was being so earnest, how could Lance resist?

"Even if I forgive you, and it's a big if, I'm not going to forget anytime soon, ok? I'll need time and space and for you to make an effort" he really was weak for this man, but who could blame him, he spent half his childhood idolizing him and then he met him and fell in love.

"Will do whatever it takes. But let me, please"

Realising all the air stuck in his lungs, Lance sighed.

"Ok"

He didn't even finish the word that Fernando picked him up and spun Lance around, making him laugh despite himself.

Fernando finally put him down, and took his hand to kiss it, maintaining the eye contact for a few seconds.

Lance could feel himself blushing, and quickly shook his head, still smiling.

After a few seconds of just getting reacquainted with one another, Fernando broke the silence.

"I liked the show yesterday. Especially the encore"

And now Lance was definitely blushing. His encore had been designed as a way of finally letting go, one last screw you to the man now in front of him. But he couldn't say that to him, even if it was pretty clear.

It would have been childish to throw shades at Fernando in one of his concerts, no?

"Yeah, I was inspired, I guess" his smile smaller but still there.

"Fuck the guy who made you suffer, the bastard" and in his jokingly way, Nando was telling him that he wasn't angry, and that they would be ok.

"Yeah, fuck him"

[snufkinstories]

Another day in Moominvalley. Peaceful and quiet, for the most part. I sat on the front porch of the Moomin's house this morning, watching the trees dance in the breeze when I saw something that caught my eye: a butterfly. But not just any butterfly. A beautiful, bright blue monarch butterfly. It's a sign of good luck, y'know? But it reminded me of a story from my times in the winter.

Throughout Europe, I walked and trotted my way down to the South for the winter. I usually would take a cleared path, but this winter I decided to be more adventurous. I take my stuff and myself into unknown lands full of new colors and scents, taking in everything as I go. Not far into this small expedition do I find a colony of marvelous monarchs, all fluttering and playing with each other. I thought it was breathtaking.

But sitting on the grass nearby watching all the monarchs was something strange. A blue butterfly. A blue monarch to be exact. It sat and watched as if it couldn't play with them. I felt sorry for the poor butterfly and chose to move closer in inspect. Nothing was wrong with the butterfly. It's wings weren't broken or damaged, none of its small little legs were hurt, so why wouldn't it fly?

I asked the butterfly, "Why won't you fly, Mr. Butterfly?" The butterfly doesn't speak, of course. But it moves. It moves like it says something, like charades. It flies happily around me, but acting as if it were happy. Then it sits down on my lap, looking sad and hopeless as it flutters it's soft blue wings. I think for a moment before I guess what the butterfly is trying to tell me, "Do you think thst because you're a blue monarch, that the other monarchs wont want to play with you?"

With that, the butterfly jumps up and flutters for a moment, which I could only assume meant I got it right. I sigh as I hold out my finger for the butterfly to rest on, to which it crawls on and sits as I stand up. I reassure the butterfly, saying that it will most definitely be welcomed into the colony as I cautiously make my way over to the fluttering colony. As I approach, all of the butterflies seem to stop in their tracks, facing me and the blue butterfly. I can't see their faces, so I only assume they don't know why my presence is here.

I speak up to the colony, making sure not to sound intruding or rude, "I do apologize for interrupting, but this magnificent blue butterfly wants to join your colony! Although it is a bit shy, and didn't know how you all would react to it's beautiful blue wings." A few butterflies fly over to us, seemingly talking to the blue butterfly. I let them chat, and soon enough, the blue butterfly flies off into the colony with them. I watch as they play for a moment, smiling and proud of myself. More importantly I'm proud of the blue monarch for being brave enough to show itself to the colony. As I walk off past the colony, I look back once more and wave. The blue monarch stops for a moment before fluttering it's wings harder as to wave back. I chuckle as I head off, making my way down South once again.

This way a more wholesome story, and one that I personally love. I like that I got to help that monarch find its colony, and I'm glad that I stopped to help. I hope you take this as a reminder to help someone, even if you don't know them, and make their day. You don't know how it will impact them, and it might change their entire look on life. Maybe even help someone you know. You don't know if and how they're struggling, just like the blue monarch in my story.

Just make sure you help someone smile today. I'll be back tomorrow with another story! - Snufkin

[hello-nichya-here]

Happy Appreciation Day!!

In order to mark it I want to share something I was thinking of the other day.

Zuko's default love language is acts of service/exchanging favors.

He makes tea for Iroh while he recovers, brings shells and food to Mai and most importantly he shows trust, love and vulnerability by asking questions or for help. To him saying "I need you" is almost the same as "I love you"

He does that with Iroh quite a lot but he also does that with Azula while they are in the Fire Nation.

Thus, it's safe to say that he does love her but he doesn't show it in a way that is immediately obvious.

Thoughts?

Thanks! Also that's a really good read of Zuko's character, and I think Azula also shows love the same way - after all, their whole lives revolve around achieving stuff that will make Ozai proud of them.

The thing is, her and Zuko also only FEEL loved the same way, also "thanks" to Ozai - words of affirmation. They need to HEAR the other say, constantly, in the most direct way possible "I love you" otherwise they don't get it.

That's why Aang saying "Maybe we could have been friends" sticks with Zuko so much, same for Ozai saying "You were lucky to be born", why Iroh giving him the silent treatment drives him crazy, and why Azula reminding him Ozai sees him as failure messes with him so much at the start of book 2.

That's why Azula cries at the very thought of hearing her mother say "I love you", clearly likes Ty Lee's constant flattery, loses all control at Mai's infamous "I love Zuko more than I fear you", and is EASILY manipulated when Ozai says he's only leaving her behind because she is the one person in the whole world that he can trust enough to have in charge of the capital city.

And it also helps further explain Zuko's complete lack of awareness that Azula genuinely cares for him. She usually demonstrates it in a way he doesn't immediately get, and, even when she's saying very clearly that she cares about him, he doesn't believe it because Azula always lies.

And one can understand his suspicion - in "The Awakening" she says she told Ozai that Zuko killed the Avatar "because he was worried and she was happy to share the glory", but she was actually setting him up in case he had lied to her about Aang being dead. But in "The Headband" she warns him to be careful when visiting Iroh, says she's gaining nothing from it and is just looking out for him, and she's beign honest.

Zuko doesn't know where he stands with her, and that frustrates him to an absurd degree - to the point that he can't notice small, huge things like "She had no idea about Aang being alive until they were already home. She brought me back because she knew it was what I wanted."

Goddammit, I'm gonna be thinking about that subtle tragedy for the rest of my life now, thanks.

[sitp-recs]

Hey hey, I just found your blog so I'm sorry if you already recommended these fics (or don't do fic recs).

Do you know any drarry fics were there is some type of makeover like a house makeover, finding a new job, getting new clothes for Harry, ... Or Draco is just really stylish and sure of himself? I'm thinking something like Turn, House Proud, Heal Thyself or Let him lead me to the banquet.

If you know any fics like these which aren't drarry that would also be really nice.

Wishing you a lovely october :)

Hello, Happy October! I adore those fics you’ve mentioned, they’re all incredible. I do feel like astolat captures this proud, confident Draco perfectly - it’s one my fave characterizations! I think you might enjoy these fics if you haven’t read them yet, they’re a mix of makeover trope and fashionista/confident Draco:

Burning Down the House by @peachpety (M, 4k)

Harry is happy as editor-in-chief of The Quibbler. From planning to printing, design to deadlines, he enjoys being in the hot seat. And after vanquishing Voldemort, managing fires is an easy part of the job. Until his scorching crush on his impeccably dressed fashion editor flares out of control, and he's forced to face actual fires.

Sex on Legs in Six-Inch Heels by @tessacrowley (E, 9k)

Draco Malfoy is a brilliant freelance cursebreaker and the only one who can help the Department of Magical Law Enforcement with a very dangerous case, but more importantly, he's wearing six-inch heels, and Harry cannot handle it, he really just can't.

Haute Allure by @lol-zeitgeistic (E, 12k)

Harry is famous for his menswear now. Malfoy is the inside leg that he loves running his tape measure up.

Party of Two by fireflavored (E, 13k)

Drinking, sex, and a total misreading of the concept of fuck buddies.

A Saviour’s Guide to Manners and Decorum by @wolfpants (E, 13k)

Honorary Minister Harry Potter (yes, he's fully aware his job title is meaningless, and he quite likes it that way) is a disaster at public events. After seven years of dealing with his boorish behaviour, cringey table manners, and clumsy dancing, the Ministry's press team take matters into their own hands and hire Wixen Britain's leading Etiquette and Deportment Expert, Draco Malfoy, to take on the challenge of cleaning up Harry's image before the Ministry's 300th Anniversary Celebration Gala.

Queer Eye (For the Wizarding Guy) by Magnolia822 (E, 23k)

Harry’s life is fine. He might be a little disorganised, and maybe he needs a bit of a haircut, but he’s fine. Really. He doesn’t need a lifestyle intervention, especially when the one giving it is Draco sodding Malfoy and his team of queer fashion and design experts. Of course Harry’s friends disagree, and now he is stuck with Malfoy for a week. One of them might not survive.

Slithering by astolat (E, 27k)

Draco found the nest down in the Manor’s cellars, while he was clearing them out.

'Tis a Far Better Thing by @the-sinking-ship (E, 37k)

'Tis a far, far better thing doing stuff for other people — or however the Muggle saying goes — because Potter is in need of professional help, and Draco is just the man to give it to him.

Shine, Even in the Darkness by raitala (E, 41k)

Harry hasn’t seen Draco for over fifteen years, but now he’s showing up everywhere and Harry is sort of weirdly attracted to him, but that can’t be right?

Nights With You by @the-sinking-ship (E, 58k)

Draco is mortified when moments prior to departing for the most anticipated destination wedding of the year, he is cruelly dumped. But when he learns that Harry Potter has, at long last, split with his horrible boyfriend, Draco is certain his luck has changed. Never a man to squander an opportunity for revenge (and what would probably be a spectacular shag), Draco vows to make Potter his for the weekend. Now all Draco has to do is convince him.

Home Truths by @skeptiquewrites (E, 67k)

In the off-season Harry decided to fix up Grimmauld Place and found that Draco Malfoy was the only person who could help him. A demanding career and unrelenting press scrutiny were enough to deal with before Harry added a house with a mind of its own, family history, and a tense, flirty, complicated relationship with his childhood nemesis to the mix.

Life Lessons by @bixgirl1 (E, 68k)

On the cusp of a promotion, Harry needs a little help with his image. Enter Draco Malfoy — who doesn't really do that, Potter — to whip him into shape… and make him feel things he hasn't for a very long time.

Criminal by @the-sinking-ship (E, 83k)

Things were going just fine for Draco Malfoy. He successfully conned and counted cards across Europe and America, amassing a small fortune, along with a lengthy rap sheet. That was until he made the grave mistake of returning to England for a high stakes card game and got himself caught – by Harry Potter no less. Now, Draco is stuck in England under Auror Potter’s guard with no friends, no distractions, and no escape. How the hell will he pass the time? And since when did Potter get so bloody fit?

Bonus: art!

Dropped Dead Gorgeous by dustmouth (T)

Draco Malfoy is hired to organise a funeral party on the anniversary of Harry Potter's first death. This of course has everything to do with how he is a true artiste with lace, fripperies, and dead bodies, and absolutely nothing to do with why Harry Potter keeps inviting him out to dinner.

[xielexalt]

2024 Retrospective, in detail

(aka the yapping version???)

Oh man. There's a lot I could say about this year.

As I said in the month-by-month art (music) retrospective, this is a transitional year and I've felt that heavily throughout, with things happening in IRL, school, and the creative world that show that this is a year where I'm turning the page, or starting the next entry, and most importantly -- learning where I stand in the world, while looking back upon my entire past.

This is the year I decided to put more effort into ZETHIEL's existence, he's honestly given me so much happiness. Commissioning artists and singing as him, building his lore, being thankful that other people love him and are excited to see him -- it makes me so, so happy. Although 2024 is definitely the year of ZETHIEL in a way, I'll probably have to dial him back in Q1 2025 just so I can focus on my other project that's in the works. (More on this later.) With Seraphic Alchemy especially, I think he's in a good spot where I can step away for a bit and he can still be something I'm satisfied with.

I've reevaluated a lot where I stand as a music producer, and I feel like I'm just kind of in a weird limbo in regards to that too. I'm a little under a year away from graduating my music production program, but as for my work opportunities, it's a bit strange. I'm proud I can do VGM & BGM work for others, but in terms of my personal tastes and creations, I'm just not entirely certain since I haven't created much in the way of original vocal songs this year either. I hope next year I can continue working on things so I can find the answer to what it means for me to be a music producer.

About my self-identity. To put it plainly, I have some form of DID/OSDD, although I don't talk about it in detail, it does strongly influence some of the narratives or emotions behind my work. This year has been vital for uncovering certain truths about my past and my soul, and coming more to terms with myself. These revelations definitely drive me forwards as a musician and creative. Honestly, the way I interpret and process the different sides of myself is almost a form of art in and of itself; like a sort of writing and worldbuilding that helps me process my memories and traumas. The sort of "beautiful" artistic approach I bring to understanding the facets of myself, is also the way I wish to express myself in the art I publish in the outer-facing world. Even now, I'm on the precipice of yet another a vital realization, I'm always trying to look inwards and outwards to figure out how I'm supposed to grow, and how I can put together the puzzle pieces of my disharmonic memory. It's been a rough challenge over the past four years especially to process certain things, but I'm finally glad that after all this time I feel like we're closer to the truth, and we're at a place that feels much better than the years preceding. This is why 2024 feels "transitional."

I don't want to sacrifice or hide any part of my self-identity when it comes to the public works I create. I may dress it up in metaphor, but I don't want to be inauthentic and self-sanitizing. I don't want to live in fear that the real things I experience are to be hidden away from my "professional" canvas. After all, to fully convey the self is something I think is a goal in art, and is the very essence of art itself.

It's easy to get lost in creation, and get frustrated with it, or feel like you're at a standstill with yourself. Imposter syndrome or art block, you name it -- these things bring severe doubt. But you have to remember the "soul" -- one should care for their soul, their body, that sort of thing. It's not easy, by any means. It can take years to truly understand what that means for you -- what it means to nurture and take care of your soul, and how it connects to you being an artist. Maybe this is what you call "purpose," too. More and more this year, I realize the importance of connecting to one's soul, and then in turn connecting that soul to art. This makes an outlook on art that brings more authenticity, and little regret. At least, that's how it is for me.

I regretted a lot of things when I first started creating. I felt like I was inauthentic too. But there are these things: taking therapy, reflecting upon my own self, finding healing and catharsis through fictional outlets, taking certain humanities classes that enlighten me on vital things about human nature and history... All of these have helped me grow and in turn prepare to be an artist I can be confident in.

I'm still prone to breakdowns and episodes, unfortunately is the nature of my disorders and the way I was raised. Even now I'm writing while trying to recover from a terrible mental health emergency, that happened over a week ago. I'm unsure when I'll fully recover, but I'm really looking forward to getting the ball rolling on that one personal project -- the one I said I'm gonna focus on in Q1 2025.

I've already done quite a bit of work on it this year behind-the-scenes, though I'm really going to have to shift gears and lock into focus for this now that ZETHIEL channel is less of a priority. I've brought together many artists and I hope they can showcase their work soon as promotional material once I finish my main promotional piece.

In the coming year, 2025 will still be in the transitional phase of my life. I'm expecting more new beginnings as I set sail into adulthood more and more, since I'm set to graduate college soon. After that, there's the question of moving out, relationships, careers, all that kinds of stuff. I think I'll figure it out as I move along.

Since I have quite a few mental disabilities, it is difficult for me to work every day, and I rest more often than not. But I still find myself dedicated to my music work and find fulfillment in being able to do things I have pride in.

This coming year will definitely be all new territory that I'm afraid to face, but I know I'll make it out one way or another. And I hope I can continue creating something that is beautiful and inspiring to others, to give them hope in this world that lacks it.

[maybege]

May you have once again crippled me with your single dad!Boba/matchmade!Boba thoughts 😩🤤🥴

Your Boba AUs are my own true weakness 😮‍💨

Some thoughts for ✨thirst hour✨ to follow up your Thanksgiving with Boba:

You stare at Boba's number in your phone on and off for a week trying to decide whether or not to invite him to your cousin's Christmas party. It's a much more laid-back affair that she puts on for the younger members of the family to enjoy without the burden of sour aunties and drunk uncles

There's no pressure to be coupled up for the party but you find yourself wanting Boba at your side, wanting his arm around your waist and his voice in your ear. The heat of the kiss you shared at Thanksgiving still burns hot in your veins and you long for an excuse for his lips to be on your body again

Eventually you break and call him. You try not to read too much into the fact he remembered what your favorite Christmas cookies are or that he offered to bring them. Despite your feelings, you want to try and keep things professional between the two of you--just because you had fun together doesn't mean this isn't just a job for him

It doesn't help when Boba keeps tucked into his side entire night or that his green button up makes him look even more amazing than usual or that he's a surprisingly good dancer when the music comes on. He twirls you around like princess at a ball, leading you effortlessly through the music. He looks so happy and you're having such a great time that you don't notice that the pair of you are now swaying under the mistletoe

Boba does, however, smiling impishly and motioning up to it with his chin. Heat flashes through you, a thousand panicked thoughts jumbling your words. "O-oh, um, we don't have to, if you're not... I mean, um, if you don't want to..."

Boba chucks up your chin, his brown eyes sparkling and warm. "I want to, princess," he murmurs gently, stroking his thumb over your bottom lip, "I've wanted to kiss you all night."

Ok I'm going to stop now before I make myself insane :))))

Okay okay okay, I love everything about this. It gives me holiday movie romcom vibes in the best way and I can see it so clearly. 🥺😭

Boba took ages to get ready and his kids tease him about how their usually so calm and collected dad asked them five times whether they were really sure that the dark green button down was the way to go ...

... and you spent a ridiculous amount of time sifting through your special occasion dresses to find The One that is not way too over the top but is also pretty (and maybe even sexy) enough to significantly heighten the chances of Boba touching you again.

Despite your nervousness, once you actually see each other, everything is just perfect. The entire night is a smooth ride full of whispered jokes, flirty banter, and - most importantly of all - Boba's hand on the low of your back as soon as you stand next to each other.

It gets even better when he asks you to dance with him, leading you through the steps to the low music and the twinkly lights shining above your heads. You both use the excuse to just gaze at each other (as part of you playing a couple, of course, and not because you are hopelessly in love with each other.)

And then the mistle toe? Be still my beating heart.

He is so proud of how brave you are to ask him so he makes sure to show you just how much he doesn't mind kissing you - how much he wants to kiss you. Maybe he intended it to be a short kiss at first, keeping in mind that this is still somewhat of a family gathering. But then you sigh and completely melt into him and before long, he has his hand on the back of your neck, pulling you closer and you both feel the fireworks between you.

You are so out of breath when you pull apart and maybe one of your cousins makes a joking remark about how you ought to "take a room, you two" and Boba leans down to your ear and whispers, "We might just do that."

it's thirst hours with may - come join us!

[local-pr1nter]

EVEN MORE AOT X DA DRABBLES CAUSE SOMETHING JUST HIT ME-

TW!!! Same as the rest of the series of posts, canon typical murder and death (AoT), along with implied thoughts of harm to ones self (it's mentioned very briefly and I don't go into extreme detail- but still, please avoid or skip past this post if you're uncomfortable with that sort of thing!!!)

Okay so Mondo would be the armored titan and one of the warriors sent to Paradis right. Physically he's the strongest out of them, and has the strongest capabilities as a leader. He still has his flaws of course, mostly his big heart and how quickly he gets attached to someone he cares about. He definitely got distracted from the mission while posing as a cadet, enjoying his freedom as a soldier instead of a warrior back on Marley.

He however doesn't have much waiting for him back at Marley. His father isn't present, potentially leaving him with his mom. He may have had friends in the other warriors, but they all had families to go back to. What did he have?

This is where the angst comes in.

I'm thinking that it was mostly him and Daiya growing up. Their father was never there and their mother was either dead/disappeared/or was working 24/7 and couldn't do much else but send them money so they had food on the table. So, the two brothers had to watch each other's back- they were all they had.

Then, Daiya considers the warrior program.

Maybe, if he became an honorary Marleyan, their father would come back. Maybe his mother wouldn't have to work so hard. Maybe he wouldn't be forced to break his back so he and Mondo can barely survive. Maybe, and just maybe, Marley would give them a break

And so, Daiya decided he would become a warrior candidate- and he aimed to inherit the armored titan. Mondo would've joined him, to try and inherit a titan of his own- but Daiya said no, as he was doing this for Mondos sake. He wanted Mondo to live a long, happy life, even if it was in the zone. He couldn't let him throw all of that potential away for a mere 13 years.

And so, Mondo could only watch as his brother trained alongside the other candidates- he was older than most of them, but he was determined, pushing himself to catch the attention of Marley- to show that he was capable of wielding the power of a titan.

And it would've worked, if he hadn't gotten caught up with the resistance. It only brought him the wrong kind of attention.

And so, Mondo was left alone. His mother was never there, his father was gone, and now Daiya was being sent to Paradis.

To say Mondo was devastated would be an understatement. He had no idea what to do anymore- he was only just hitting fifteen years old- what could he even do?

He thought about giving up, only to be stopped by another warrior candidate- specifically, Kiyotaka, who knew Daiya. Taka relates to him and pushes him to keep going- he can't give up now.

And so, encouraged by Taka, Mondo does the one thing he can do; join the warrior program and inherit the armored titan. He would finish what Daiya started once and for all.

And holy shit he's probably the perfect candidate to inherit the armored titan. He proves his loyalty to Marley through his dedication and hard work, quickly putting him up with the rest of the ones to inherit a titan.

He finally has something he can be proud of- something positive in this shitty world. And now, believing he's proven to Daiya that he's just as capable as he is, redeeming his name, he puts all his effort into being the best armor there ever was.

So imagine how torn he becomes when hes forced to head to Paradis and kill the devils- only to discover they're just like him and Daiya. He gets attached quickly, finding friends in the 104th and relating to a lot of them. This is probably the happiest he's ever been- and most importantly, he's free.

But then he would be presented with the hardest choice of his life; betray his fellow warriors and pursue a good life, like Daiya wanted, or betray the 104th and ensure his name and Daiyas legacy were redeemed.

GAHHH THIS IS SORT OF INCOHERENT AS ITS MIDNIGHT BUT IT JUST POPPED UP IN MY HEAD AND I HAD TO WRITE IT DOWN BEFORE I PASSED OUT

[thenewfuture]

This goes back to that previous criticism I made about Hiyoko's simulated death scene. The closest comparison I can think of would be "slasher movie victim writing". Where a character is so utterly unlikable that it feels like you're meant to outright cheer on their murderer subjecting them to a grisly death. That's how it came across, and the current scene is really not helping matters at all. Especially the implication that Hiyoko owes the people who framed her for murder an apology. Just…no. That is ridiculously unfair, and Fuyuhiko and Peko are mature enough to know damn well that they're not entitled to that. In fact that's something else that I feel needs addressing. The writing's emphasis on sympathizing with the murderers is getting a little...much. I mean yes, of course we the audience can and should find it in our hearts to forgive them. But I think they're being let off the hook a little too easily. Mainly at the expense of the people they harmed. And it's not just Hiyoko being unsympathetic compared to her own murderer and the people who framed her. Or Mahiru coming across as the unreasonable party in the matter of settling what happened in Chapter 2 and in the Twilight Syndrome incident. But also cases like with Gundham and Teruteru or with Teruteru. Yes all things considered, Gundham is the most sympathetic blackened in the game. And there was a gentleman's agreement going on. But I think the others would be quite right to call them out on the fact that they didn't need to get two people killed or have a lengthy class trial. One person committing suicide and making it as obvious as possible that they did so (like Sakura did) would have sufficed. They let male pride needlessly complicate matters (and unintentionally led to Nagito's later actions down the road). Teruteru frankly was let off way too damn easy for his actions. Unlike Sayaka and Leon in the first game he had a far better understanding of what the cost of committing a murder and getting away with it would mean for his classmates. And he had an ENTIRE DAY to think things through and report Nagito to the others. Plus unlike his co-conspirator, he doesn't get the excuse of being mentally ill for wanting to start the Killing Game. He really needs a scene where he owns up to the fact that he bares equal responsibility to Nagito. And speaking of Nagito, he seems to be the one killer who's the exception to this treatment. Being scorned by everyone for his actions. Even though when you look at things objectively his was perhaps the most understandable and sympathetic reason for starting a class trial that didn't involve mind control or self-sacrifice. No one shows empathy for his actions in Chapter 5 or acknowledges that Monokuma manipulated him into mutilating himself to death. By deliberately withholding the part about the Junko AI possessing them all. And probably also the fact that they were brainwashed and didn't commit those crimes of their own free will, judging by the way that Junko's AI tries to downplay those claims when Makoto intervenes. On their own, with no one there to offer emotional support, it is likely that any of the Remnants would have completely snapped if they'd been in his position during that revelation. I'm sorry but it feels like there are a lot of double standards going on when it comes to the "problematic class members".

I cannot apologize enough if Hiyoko's death scene seemed unsympathetic and harsh. Maybe it was and I went too far trying to get the point across or convey it. But even so, I am still proud of that work and I swear to you it was supposed to have the exact opposite effect. Even so, I'm going to break down the rest of your ask here because....wow is it a lot...

Murderer sympathizing. So if you've played any murder mystery game; DanganRonpa, Ace Attorney, Zero Escape, etc..., you know that it primarily focuses on figuring out who committed a crime and more importantly WHY they did it. Motives for killers vary over games and mysteries, but there comes a time when you can understand a killer's motivation. Now, no sane and stable person would ever kill someone in real life, but if you can understand the push as to what drove them to such actions, then that character has depth and is in some ways relatable. DanganRonpa is full of these types of characters, on the sole basis that the players are TRAPPED IN AN ENCLOSED SPACE! Killing to get out is encouraged! Almost every character in these games would have at least one reason to kill, making them all sympathetic! Now of course there are some outliers in the mix(Celeste, Despair-state Mikan, Korekiyo) but the ratio of sympathetic to not is quite high. So why did I say all this? Well, you the payer have to understand why some killers did the crimes they committed? Well then so should the characters by default too. Especially in an enclosed setting like DanganRonpa, the characters have to come to grievance that some amongst them has just died. How could they possibly react to that? Well Hiyoko reacts like this:

Hiyoko was there when she heard Teruteru say he not only wanted to stop Nagito from murdering someone, but to also see if his sick mom was all right after all this time had passed. And yet, she say this. So its clear Hiyoko has the mindset of: kill=bad. She is the outlier of the group. Hiyoko cannot understand why Teruteru would do such a thing, or why others would feel sorry for him. Hiyoko is the one in the wrong here.

2. Hiyoko owes Fuyuhiko and Peko an apology. Okay, we understand sympathy for killing somewhat, right? Good. Let's move on to Fuyuhiko and Peko. Fuyuhiko found out his sister was murdered. His classmate knows something but won't tell him. In fact, she even hid evidence and lied about the fact just to cover up her own. Fuyuhiko has every right to be pissed! And in some cases, the right to kill Sato for what she did! Okay? Okay. On to Peko. Now of course I'm not expecting one to understand the feeling Peko has of being used by the Yakuza and basically a weapon only to serve someone else. But the want to protect someone from becoming the blackened is understandable at the very least, no? Now, OF COURSE, Hiyoko has every right to be royally pissed at being framed for murder. I don't expect to forgive them easily. In fact, if you saw this blog at all, you'll know that Fuyuhiko and Peko apologized to her first! They are fully aware of not expecting an apology from Hiyoko. They've made peace with that fact. Hiyoko DOES owe them an apology for bursting in on their therapy session! Now again, you may say that aspect is going too far and you'd be right. I personally think it falls in line with Hiyoko putting her beliefs and ideologies first and wanting others, especially her best friend, to agree with her take on it. I mean it's already pretty on brand with what the two do. Hiyoko does something bad, and Mahiru just accepting it.

3. Gundam and Nekomaru. Now I'm not here to discuss the moral implications of murder versus suicide. I will say this though. Chapter 4's trial and murder was about wanting to live, no matter what. Hajime's offer to not kill and just starve to death was just throwing life away as Gundam put it. It's like stories of a soilder who would rather fight with a stick than just to give up and die. He has no options left and his chances are pretty slim, but he still wants to live. That's the whole reason behind Nekomaru and Gundam's duel. A duel for life. Whether the others live or Gundam wins the class trial, no one is giving up on life. Everyone wants to live. And so they fight for that honor.

4. Nagito. "speaking of Nagito, he seems to be the one killer who's the exception to this treatment. Being scorned by everyone for his actions. Even though when you look at things objectively his was perhaps the most understandable and sympathetic reason for starting a class trial"

Okay that may have been in pretty low to go for that, but still. I'll humor you and say that Nagito maaaaaaay have had a good reason for it. Stopping suppossed psychotic terrorists does sound like a good enough reason.......too bad he ruined it by basically insulting everyone in the 4th trial and half of Chapter 5. He kept insulting the others and especially Hajime for reasons ONLY HE KNEW ABOUT! Monokuma did not manipulate Nagito in any way, in fact it was the exact opposite. Monokuma simply gave him the file because he cleared Russian Roulette at the highest difficulty, I don't he expected anyone else to do that. Nagito's plan was all his own! You think Monokuma could have predicted out of ALLLLLL options to murder the gang, that Nagito would just choose to poison a fire grenade and let his luck choose the one person he wanted to win!? Now you say that the file hid the fact of Junko trying to possess their bodies and that they were brainwashed, but OOPS I guess we'll never know because Nagito ripped the fucking pages out by the time Hajime and Chiaki get to it. Thanks, you ugly trash turnip. Maybe he knew, maybe he didn't, we'll never know. We're simply just playing guess at this point, so it's futile to justify this action any further. Bottom line: Nagito did it all his own without any help because that's how deeply committed he his to his own ideology about hope and Ultimates.

Anyway, I keep saying Hiyoko will get better, but if you're still on this and you don't believe me or won't even like where I go with it. Then it's probably best if you leave, honest. I won't make you stay and read my blog if it upsets you this much. It was not my intent, honest.

I am really tired, it is so late that I stood up making this answer....

-Mod

[none-prob]

I write about a character per day

Day 12: Edalyn Clawthorne

Owl lady. Anarchist. Mother of two.

There's just so many things I want to say about her.

I think Eda's life before Luz was summed up quite well with her own quote: "It's my power, kid. And before you showed up, I spent my whole life wasting it." That goes to show how impactful Luz is on Eda's life, and that's not the only character Luz had a positive spin on (I'm considering writing about Luz after W&D).

Before Luz came, Eda's life, which we can speculate, was selling human garbage to the Isles' citizens, pickpocketing, do anything in order to buy potions to not let the curse affect her, while also running away from the Emperor. Even with King and Hooty, and previously Raine and Lilith, her life was probably not as adventurous as when Luz came. Maybe, maybe not, and I wished we could have seen more of Eda's life before Luz, but we won't. It's fine, because everything she did with Luz and everyone in the house was awesome. Even the swap thing, yeah that's my controversial take, I think Once Upon A Swap is a good episode. It's a good episode in a show full of great episodes. But anyway, the point is, Eda had really used her power for good, even pushed her hardest to save Luz, and she's proud of it. That moment for me was like losing a family member, one who only been around for a few months. And it all started with a little crown. And speaking of that...

Her relationship with King was also blooming. Before Luz it wasn't that exciting, as they probably just did their things together. But with Luz and later on Lilith, King was more open about her story, only to find out it was fabricated by Eda. But what was his response after Eda said so? Asked her to adopt him. It's one of the few times Eda ugly cry throughout the show, and it's fine. It's beautiful. Eda was now a mother of two, of a human and a Titan. It got so much better, for the very few scenes in For the Future they bonded together over a mutual feeling. King hugged Eda's leg in the most emotional way possible.

Mother of two, but ran away from her own mother? Alright now that's an interesting shift. But like I said when I talked about Gwen, which is another niche character I also enjoy a lot, I'm so glad they communicated and made up the past. I can understand avoiding parents, the lack of communication resulted in avoidance, while your parents just want to do the things they think it's best for you.

How about her sister? Lilith probably has the second greatest redemption arc in the show in my opinion, after Hunter. It only took a few attempts, an all out battle, putting her sister at the risk of life, and a pain sharing spell for a Lilith redemption. Once again, a little lack of communication between them, had lead to a rift that took decades to fix. It's really sad, but I'm glad they're together to right all wrong, and learn magic together.

I think it's amazing that Eda managed to make peace with the Owl beast, something that had been a pain for her that she can't get rid of for 20 years. This is a really important lesson. Sometimes, you need to make peace with things that hurt you, especially those you can't get rid of. One lesson that Steven Universe had taught that no one seems to be able to grab. Eda got so much better, basically regained her power in one of the most stylish way possible.

The curse was an indirect reason that caused her to break up with Raine. Raeda is one hell of a beautiful relationship. I've talked about Raine's side before. Eda was the one who saved Raine's crew from the Emperor, who sacrificed to get a sigil for Raine's plan, and visited puppet Raine. Eda was impressed by Raine from the first look, from the first drink, and the rest is history.

I think this next part is my favourite of Edalyn Clawthorne. It's her desire to rub in on Emperor's face, but more importantly, to protect all wild witches left. An incredible anarchist. And in the most creative ways possible, including body swapping her own sister (see this is why I will defend Once Upon A Swap). With or without power, she is a legendary rebel. Someone who had built her name as the most powerful witch on the Isles, for managing to escape the police state from the Emperor without fail. No power, no problem. She will still be sneaky, be smart, and having absolutely none of it with the Emperor. She's not a rebel who just want to cause chaos, she's an anarchist who will stand up for the right when she needed to.

I love Edalyn Clawthorne. She's simply the coolest witch on the isles, without a competition.

[pineappleciders]

i think ur account is pretty sweet and wanted to ask do u have any tips for starting out in tumblr ive been wanting to start doing stuff on here for a long time but cant get a grip on it and have no idea how to start or what to even do and u seem cool and ive been following u for a while so well uh do u have any tips for starting out or something it would mean a whole lot to me giggles !!!

HI okay first off THANK YOU and here is all my general advice and personal experience:3

when i first created my account i only wrote stuff for omori and basically nothing else, i didn't post my art or anything like that. and then one day i was like what if i posted my drawings and i did and BOOM people liked it so i kept going!!! i've thought about making two separate blogs for art and writing but that would take a lot of effort and it seems complicated because i know a lot of people only follow me for one or the other so idk maybe i will but ANYWAYS

i say just go for it. it was completely on a whim that i made a tumblr account. before i didn't even use tumblr i had one account years ago that i rarely used, i just wondered hey i like content for my fandoms but what if i MADE content for my fandoms and BOOM pineappleciders was born.

i write because i eeally enjoy these fandoms and communities, and requests are so fun to do because i get to show people my observations and opinions of these characters and their personalities!!& all while bringing comfort to people and making them feel heard. so it's a win-win!

i'd suggest taking any of your interests or hobbies and making it into soemthing. like if you're interested in a video game i'd start posting art or writing or an AU or just talking about the game and theories ans stuff!!!

if you like to draw and are thinking about posting your art, PLEASE do NOT let anything affect you!!! there are going to be rude people ans there will be times where you post cringe and a lot of people see it. even if you don't get a lot of followers or notes at first, do not let it drag you down. i started my blog because i wanted to do something that resonates with my special interests and i wanted to share it with people. don't make content FOR people, make content to SHARE with people.

if you want advice about how to get more followers or likes and stuff, all i can say is just do what makes you happy. i've never really been in a situation where i've felt i have to get more likes on this one post or i need more followers or anything like that, because i post for those 2 people who immediately like the post .4 seconds after i post it. i post for the people who like my interests just as much as i do, and most importantly i post because it makes me happy!!!

moral of the story is find the community that you want to be in and start there. give yourself a pfp of a character from a fandom or make your blog all pretty or relate it to a fandom or whatever, the point is to just do what makes you happy and post what you want to post!!!

i have about 1,800 followers, and i still remember getting happy over 10 and 50 fillowers. i'm so glad that people like my content, and i hope i can keep sharing it with you gusy. also remember to take care of yourself and don't pressure yourself into working overtime, you always come first. also never be sad if you don't have a lot of followers!!! literally 10 people is a lot. 20 people is a lot. 2K PEOPEL IS A LOT. if u think about it like all of them r in one room looking at you or your post and liking it then THAT IS A LOT. be proud of your milestones!!!!

idk if any of that made sense but basically if you're looking for likes and shit go to tiktok or instagram. if u want to share love and content wiht a community because creating is something you enjoy and you want to share it with others use tumblr. it's all about making a blog for something you enjoy and utilizing . basically if u also want a place to freak out about yoru interests and have others freak iut about them too then tumblr is the place. i've found that i can post the weirdest shit and only lose a few follwkers. pretty based tbh

sorry if i rambled ily and i hope everything goes well!!!!!! remember to put yourself first❤️

[cominguppoppies]

Yesterday was painfully eye opening. In the best and worst way possible. I talked to my (now) ex and I talked to my best friend who I'd mentioned earlier. Most importantly, I finally sat down and talked to myself. I finally faced the feelings I'd had. First off, my ex and I talked and officially broke it off. We talked about everything. I am beyond sad: I am scared, lost, lonely, heartbroken, guilty, and confused. I still have so much love for him. I always will. It is impossible to know me without knowing him too. He is truly a pure soul, and treated me perfectly: better than I ever deserved. I am so grateful for his existence and the impact he had in my life. He showed me that I'm capable of being more than a body; that I am more than a body. He taught me that love exists and showed me a beauty that I never thought existed. Even after we've broken up, I can feel him pushing me to realize that I am loveable. The problem was never that he didn't love me, but that I didn't love myself enough to believe him. I still don't. He always loved me the right way, he gave me this world. And someday, I will see myself as a part of this world and I will learn to love myself. When that day comes, regardless of where I am in life, I promised to tell him. There will be a better version of me out there. and even though I am so very hurt, the time feels right. We'd begun to diverge down different paths and I am slowly telling myself that that's okay. Deep down, I am hoping that door stays open. I'd like to think that it's possible to rediscover that love, to fall back in. Maybe that feeling will change; life is full of change. That is how I am feeling right now, is all.

After all of this, I decided to settle the rest. My dear, and wonderful friend. We talked about it again, this time my head was clear. I've realized, for the millionth time, that we are truly better as friends. And that's okay, that is more than okay, that is exactly how I want things to be. I want to know that he will be at my wedding, he will tell me I'm beautiful and he will tell me that he'd always known someone would love me. I want to know he will stand there and watch me experience the happiest day of my life, and I'll know he is proud of me. That he picked up broken pieces that he didn't shatter and got me to where I am today. I love him. I love him with my whole heart, but I am not in love with him. And that is best. And I know that. For those days following our sloppy makeout and attempt at love, I had used him as a, sort of, bandaid. That after leaving my ex, I would have someone to hold and love me. I'd still have value if someone wanted me and wanted my body afterwards. Even if it was my best friend. And during those three days, I really questioned it. I convinced myself I could be in love with him. That I'd fallen in love with him. But I hadn't. That couldn't be more clear, now. I never meant to use him, but that's what I was doing. And he understood. He understood it all, and yet he still wanted to be my friend. That is so beautiful. I am so cared for. I will never do that again. I will never use him. Our friendship is too valuable. We are too valuable.

I'm in so much pain. I'm a mess, but my life isn't. All of the pieces are slowly falling into place, and they'll continue to do so. I will work on myself. There is a better version of me out there, I am so certain. And I will find her. I absolutely will. That was a promise I made to my wonderful ex, and it is a promise I made to myself. It is a promise I am now making to the universe. In the meantime, I will do the things I love. I will give all of the love I can and I will do the things I love. I'll continue to create and give more. All of the love I plan to give will come back to me someday.

3.7.2024

[paramorearchived]

October 14, 2009

Transcript:

starving.

hola...

two days off in chicago and i'm dying to do something. anyyyything. i decided (early this morning) that i wasn't going to change out of my pj's... and i didn't until a couple hours ago. lazy days are crucial. but man i'm ready to work again. ha! if you can even call it work! tomorrow, we've got a crap ton of press to do in toronto. and the next day, we will unleash ourselves on a crowd of about 1500 or so? (i'm just guessing... i don't know the actual capacity of Kool Haus). i feel like a caged tiger. hahaha. i wanna play some shows! my voice felt great at the last two. i was pleasantly surprised. cause to be honest, i wasn't sure how it was going to pan out after a week of voice rest and twiddling my thumbs.

our bus call is ridiculously late tonight. 2am. so that means i have an hour to pack up the mess i made in my hotel room and go down to the bus where i can sleep until border crossing. 8am, ugh! since the postponement of all the shows, i've been going to bed pretty early... so i'm not in the greatest of moods right now. i would much rather have been asleep for a few hours by now. oh well, after being stared down by an officer for 30 or 40 minutes at the border (the usual), maybe i'll be able to go back to bed for a little while.

how are you guys liking the shows? the swellers? paper route? i feel like it's a really well rounded tour. we're still settling into our set list but i think it's our favorite set, so far. i'm into the backdrop and frames too! as short as this tour is, i know it's going to be one of the best.

i can't wait for the video to come out. or just to see some of it. it's very.... different.... than anything we've done before. which makes the wait even worse. hope you guys are into it. "bbbb" is going to be a fun song to promote. what kills me is when i hear, or see, people talking about "ignorance", as if just because it wasn't as successful as "misery business", it was a failure. all those people are missing the point. we don't care about coming out and having huge singles every time we put out a record. i thought that "ignorance" did exactly what i wanted it to... put us back out there and got people talking. most importantly, it was the beginning of the story. you can't have the good without the bad and the ugly... and that song wasn't exactly pretty. and now it's time to get to a different part of it. "brick" is going to rule and then we'll be onto something else after. thank you guys for getting the whole picture. we're more proud of this record than we've ever been of just about anything!

gonna be an awesome couple of years :) i better get packing.

hayley

[shiroi---kumo]

( @aquaticsoul , for one very special birthday boy who he adores ) ->

It's taken a little bit of asking around to figure out birthdays, and it's taken a lot of pondering to think of what he can do for Valo's. At first, he'd thought maybe a book would do nicely, but... no, way too easy. Valo would enjoy any book handed to him any time, of course, but everyone knows that from the very moment they lay eyes on the man (who so often has one in front of him) that he likes books. Writing music is a possibility, too, but that's something Sielu is just known for and thus it is also much too easy. After several days and nights struggling over what makes a perfect gift for such a nice friend, he decides to do exactly what he does best: stop worrying about it and wait for the right thing to just appear. And Celestial Mother be blessed, it shows up just a couple of weeks before the day he needs it as he's helping his father and a few of his father's friends go through some boxes. It's falling apart. It's in dire need of some help. But most importantly, it's really old. And historians, such as Valo, tend to quite enjoy things that are really old. Sielu has no issue with taking the time each evening afterward to clean it oh-so-carefully, not telling a single soul what he's doing. Not even his twin, for once! This is Valo's present from Sielu and it needs to be a surprise. He just can't risk it. And he can't risk someone doing better than him, either. Finally, finally the day comes, and Sielu is up earlier than the sun so he can be the first (besides Aamunkoitto) to greet his friend. He shows up to the palace early and then to Valo's room as soon as he knows the man is good and awake (because of watching Aamunkoitto in the hallway), practically bouncing and all smiles. "Päivä tervehtii, Valo! I have something. It's for you," he explains, extending both a full gallon of water and a long, neatly-wrapped box that looks like it weighs far more than it actually does. In it rests a lyre carefully and securely packed so that it won't be damaged or broken. "I was just gonna get you a book, but this is way cooler. One of my teachers - who's a friend of my father's - got a few boxes of stuff sent to him. Mostly stuff that his choir could actually use, but also this. There was like... an entire debate on ethics and stuff, and we all eventually decided it should go to a historian, and I said I knew one, and then I told them about you and how you used to go looking in the ruins and stuff, and we all agreed you'd probably like it." He's got an awkward grin on his face by the time he's halfway done rambling, shifting a little to put his hands in his pockets. "But the reason we said it should go to you is because that thing is probably at least a few hundred years old, if not more. It's not playable at all anymore without a lot of work, and it was an argument between preserving a historical artifact and re-establishing playability. Uh... you can tell which side won that because I didn't even replace the strings. All I did was clean it up and put it back together, so be careful. I probably don't have to tell you that it'll fall apart if you mishandle it. It's not really like... a huge significant discovery or anything and there's no like... sign it should go to the church, so... there you go. A neat super-old instrument just for you, restored by yours truly. If you want an idea of how it would have sounded back then, I can get ahold of a more modern one sometime, and by that I mean I borrowed one and it's in my classroom and I'm totally using it in my lesson sometime soon. I'll bring it in here for you later. I've gotta tune it." He's still beaming, extra proud of himself because this makes two presents: the lyre and an evening performance (even if Sielu can barely play the lyre, and the performance will definitely be comedic in nature because of this). It seems he's just extremely happy about Valo's existence in general. And honestly, who wouldn't be?

·:*¨༺ ✩★✩ ༻¨*:·. That's right. He knows what today is and right now mint colored eyes are looking over the sleeping form that is resting in one of the two beds that exist within the small inn they've come to find shelter in. How long as it been? His heart is swelling at the memory and he's come to find that he is unable to look away from the sleeping form of pale and blue as his chest rises and falls with such a gentle rhythm.

He remembers it all so clearly and he was so touched when it happened. What a thoughtful gift. What a thoughtful action and while he finds himself wondering for a moment why his mind would give him that specific memory to recall part of him thinks he already knows the answer.

What a gift it was and he's looking at the slumbering form of his friend thinking the same thing. It's been so long since their home was lost to the abyss of the Great Dark's endless hunger that to be gifted something so precious as his friend...

Ah he can feel the tears building up in his eyes as he gets emotional thinking about it, so a hand is raising to wipe them away; mint eyes continuing to stare quietly. There's really nothing better he could think to have on such a day.

"Tähtien?" A deeper but concerned voice sounds as arms come to wrap around him from behind. "You look like you could cry, are you alright?"

"I'm alright, Nousi." He replies leaning into the strong body behind him for support. "A bit tired but alright. I was just remembering..."

"Remembering what?"

"One of my first birthdays at the palace once Sielu was there..."

"I see."

There is a soft nudge to rub the man of Pink's center most horn against that of the man of Orange. A gentle coo escaping once he does so.

"I was thinking how fortunate I am. That we're here and we survived and that ... "

"That?"

"...we found him. I feel so fortunate that we have Sielu with us now. He's the best gift I could ask for beyond still having you at my side."

There is a short moment when that horn of soft gold is rubbing against opal again, followed by another coo and tightening arms.

"Yes, I agree. Hyvää syntymäpäivää, Tähtien. Rakastan Sinua."

"Minäkin Rakastan Sinua, Nousi."

[imaginedreamwrite]

Maybe, I'm moving too fast, but I was thinking about Here's Your Perfect (because I absolutely love it) and came up with a headcanon for the future of the triad. Reader family's treatment destroyed her self-esteem not only in a sense that she disliked her body/didn't consider herself beautiful, but also in a sense that her only worth was (if she ever married - because even that was questionable at the time) her womb.

When Ari and Bucky take away her from her family, they both introduce her to their line of 'work'. And after some time passes, after she felt comfortable within walls of their house and their arms, she starts to participate in their 'businesses'.

It could start with Ari - he probably receives shit ton of letters, spends a lot of time in his study. Reader from time to time kept him company and he told her about lords with whom he is constantly in contact, some other useful people, told her about usual requests he dealing with and so on. And after some time she starts to help him. While I do think Ari has some sort of 'secretary', he still reads and answers letters himself. I imagine that Reader got proper education and can read and write, so she starts to read for him the letters, discuss them with him and sometimes writes response, so Ari only has to put his signature.

Then, maybe, when he is away, she gains confidence in running the household (which isn't easy task, because they probably live in a castle or other big building) and dealing with request from villagers living nearby. When time passes, maybe, some lords starts writing to her trying to gain connection to Lord Levinson, but Reader isn't that stupid.

With Bucky it's different - I don't think he would ever let her be near combat, but he probably could teach her about smithcraft or horse breeding. And while traveling with Ari, she could visit market where she meets smith whose work is beautiful and clean (based on Reader judgement and knowledge Bucky provided) or on some farm she sees beautiful strong mare and meet a farmer who breed horses (judging by horses' health - very successfully). Reader is quick to write to Bucky about these acquaintances, so Bucky could use this information to hire someone or buy quality weapons and horses.

In conclusion, I think after some time Reader not only will become a well-loved woman, but also girl boss. And her men are very proud - she is beautiful, she is smart and most importantly - she is their.

I love this 😍 They know she is so much more than a womb, even when they have kids they’ll think and know that she has so much more value than her parents put on her

“Ari?” The candlelight glows softly, illuminating the pages he had set before him, the ink pot to the left had gone unused in the last few moments.

“Dewdrop,” he raised his head and turned his body toward you, eyes running up and down your frame as a soft smile formed, “hello beautiful.”

“Can I…keep you company?” You enter the study, testing the waters and his limits your fears that he could or would kick you out was bubbling in your belly. “I notice you spend a lot of time here and-“

“Come, love.” He beckons you closer, edging you toward him. “I’ll show you what I’m doing.”

You expect him to make you stand, you don’t expect him to pull you into his lap and settle the curve of your backside firmly against his groin. His hands hold your hips, they steadily centre your body against his so he can rest his chin on your shoulder. He is embracing you to the fullest and most intimate extent while you feel his chest rising and falling against your back with every breath. You can smell the faint scent of smoke and ash, the embers from the fireplace conductively attached to his body from when he stoked the fire in your room. His beard is well-maintained yet thick, and it brushes against his lips as he speaks softly.

“Is it truly okay?” You were questioning him as well as yourself, feeling as if there was another shoe yet to drop.

“You are always welcome where I am.” Ari shifts and shuffles papers on the desk before he finally settles on a thick piece of parchment, fine ink scrawled long the paper. “Requisitions and requests for funding, for greater amounts of food and livestock.”

“And from others?”

“Nobles who think they’re starving, who claim they can’t feed their families and yet they attend and host lavish parties.” Ari had sighed impatiently and set one letter down for another. “Then there are some who want to do good for the people in their towns, they are the ones I help first.”

“And you…respond to everyone of them?” You looked back at him, heat blooming between your thighs from the intense way he was looking at you.

“Eventually, love.” He leans forward, bumping his nose against yours as he steals a kiss and slips his hands around your hips to your stomach. “Would you like to help me?”

“I can help you?” You question again, slowly getting off his lap, only for him to allow you to sit in his place. “You want my help?”

“I could use it if you have time?” Ari turns and reaches for a side table, grabbing a bundle of letters tied with twine. “I have a lot to do, and I could use the company. And an extra set of hands.”

You look between Ari and the bundle in his hands, your teeth clamping down on the inside of your cheek. You had never once been granted access to anything that was deemed less than important, and while you had learned to read and write, you were cast off into the shadows just as quickly. You had never been told you were important enough for tasks like this and yet Ari was asking for your help.

“I can help, I can try.” You reached for the bundle, hooking your fingers around the twine. “What do you need me to do?”

“I need you to open the first few letters and read them to me, so i can start working on responses.” Ari had addressed you with nothing less than devout and upmost respect and care, giving you a task that was neither demeaning nor menial.

“I can do that.” Your response was soft, and you had quickly undone the twine that held the letters, reaching for the first on top of the stack. You used the dull knife he had grabbed to open the letters and broke the wax seal, unfolding the paper in your hands. You began reading the letter starting with the greeting, watching Ari out of the corner of your eyes, his hand tucked under his chin as he listened to you.

The fallen and dried out branches had crunched beneath your feet as you crossed the distance from the back of the house to the stables and pen that was built with sturdy wood, your attention firmly set upon Bucky. He had been paying special attention to a horse in the pen, a bridle made of thick leather set around the horse’s muzzle.

The horse was a beast, at least 19 hands tall with strength in its body that was clear to you, even if you had little experience with horses. It was standing close to Bucky as he studied and ran his hand over the horse’s neck, the dark hair and coat of the horse reminded you of darkened ash, not quite black and not a true grey but somewhere in between. It was a beast but it was beautiful, and it made even Bucky look small in comparison to its strength and towering body.

“Come closer, he won’t hurt you.” Bucky had motioned you over with one hand remaining on the horse’s neck and the other waving you toward him. “She looks big but she’s a gentle giant.”

“She?” You were surprised to hear him speak the feminine word instead of what you had expected, and that had only made the horse seem more amazing than before.

“She,” Bucky had watched you opening the gate for the pen before you stepped in and closed it behind you, “is a gift.”

“A gift?” You pondered, slowly and anxiously treading toward him. “You got her as a gift?”

“I’m a mercenary, or I was. Once I decided I was done, I wanted to continue a trade. Horse breeding, raising horses, it’s what I love to do.” Bucky had reached for your hand, holding it out toward the horse to get used to your scent, keeping you close by.

“You surprise me.” You muttered, studying Bucky in a new light.

He was a man who was raised and made a living on fighting, he was as beastly as the horse had first appeared to be. However like the giant before you, Bucky was more than he appeared to be. He had put his skills into training new men to fight and defend, but he had also taken great care of livestock and horses as a trade-off livelihood.

“She’s gentle,” he set your hand upon her nose and muzzle, rubbing your hand softly upon her hair as she stood patiently, “she wouldn’t dare hurt you.”

“You got her as a gift..?” You side-eyed him, not entirely comfortable with taking your eyes off her yet.

“A wedding present of sorts.” Bucky had stepped behind you, his hands resting on your hips and you had wondered if he was going to embrace you but rather, he had lifted you in one fell swoop and placed you upon her back. You squeaked in response and she had shifted under your weight, not out of fright but more as an acknowledgment.

“You’re doing good but you need to relax.” Bucky had stepped to the side, one hand upon her neck and the other on your thigh. “Just breathe, she won’t hurt you.”

“Bucky I don’t-“ Your eyes grew wide and you fearfully looked down at him.

“Would you like to take her for a ride?” He pat her neck and squeezed your thigh. “She’s a gentle giant-“

“No, no, no-“

“I’ll come with you,” he hummed, his lips stretched into a soft smile before he had effortlessly drew himself up onto her back in one fell swoop, settling himself behind you, “are you less frightened now?”

“I wish,” you swallowed thickly, “I could tell you yes.”

“I won’t let anything happen to you, I’m right here for you.” Bucky had let out a sharp whistle, the sound bringing a young man straight from the stables. he had scurried to the pen and opened it for the two of you, bowing his head to you and to Bucky. “Let’s go for a tour of the back property. I want to show you something.”