#AND THEN ALL ILL GET BACK IS okay. thank you ted. LIKE JUST SAY U THINK I HAVE RABIES OR SMTHING

[jrueships]

getting told my professional emails are like fun bedtime stories that get reread & reread& reread by the people i send them to bcs they're always apparently very long(😦😦😦😦), humorous(?!?!??), charming(??), & never have a sequel bcs i do not respond after sending one 😦

[schlattslonghairytoes]

chapter seven

talias pov

 iMessage!

kombucha girl🇨🇮

talia romano. why do i have jonathan schlatt in my dms.

he told me u passed out?!?

please tell me youre okay.

hey brit.

oh goodness gracious this better be good.

hows the weather at home, any good?

you think youre funny huh?

youre not.

im fine

ok your texting like a 21 year old man.

ft me right now

incoming Facetime

her words barely register when she speaks that fast. "repeat please im so hungover" she rolls her eyes and keeps talking.

"talia, you know i love you, like more then youll ever know, but please dont leave me in the dark about these things, what happened last night". she finishs her thought  while placing her phone down on our counter and staring at me like i killed her dad. 

"okay. i drank to much last night, and maybe smoked a bit too much and then i passed out, theres not much to it brit." she blinked before continuing.

"that all adds up but why is schlatt the one telling me this." and that question stumped me. 

"ill be honest here. im not sure." and then she moved on.

"okay whatever im done with this convo, next topic! last night i got banned on tikok live because i tagged jason nash 30,000 times.". the Facetime lasted for another 2 hours before britney had to go film. 

i got up and began my day, and waddled my way downstairs to the kitchen to find, tyler playing with a cat, ted laying face down on the couch, maddie sitting on his butt, and finally charlie solving a rubiks cube.

"ok so i have alot of questions". i started to the group. "i dont fucking understand this thing, how does schlatt do this?!" charlie questions while looking at me. 

"ok that answers that question, ted and maddie, do i wanna know?" "my back hurts" ted muffled out. "doesnt... yknow, im done, ty have fun with your cat im getting breakfast." i say while grabbing my keys and getting in the car.

 iMessage!

big booty gamers💰💰

charles chaplin

hey Talia i hear your getting breakfast 

i never said that.

theodore roosevelt

but i did...

oh fuck off

moppy sloppy

can u pick up my starbucks? ❤️❤️

theodore roosevelt

and can u get me a bacon egg and cheese 

🙄🙄🙄

what else do u fatties want

charles chaplin

waffles with nutella??

mr i shit my pants🪩

hashbrownsssssss

schlatt u want anything since aparently im doordash

jshit

nah

ur not gonna eat?

jshit

ill get my own food

im already going out its no biggie 

jshit

lay off alright

ill deal with it myself.

ok im just gonna ignore the attitude. 

be back in 45 with yalls food!

theodore roosevelt

thank u taliaaaaaa

also chat we have to film a vid later

everything is set up just be camera readyyyy

real life!

talias pov

as i return from my treacherous journey of getting everyone food i walk through the door and set all the food down on the table. "FOODS HERE!" and a stampeed of hungry 20 year olds fly down the stairs for their food and immediately start eating like they've never seen food before.

i look around and see schlatt isnt here "wheres jay?" i ask the homosapiens. "i think he went to get food." ugh well i did offer, hes definitely in a mood, whatever he'll move on. "ok what are we filming tonight because i wanted to film something for my channel if i dont have to be in it." i tell ted.

"well i think we were going to film a laugh you lose but you can steal one or two people for your video if u need to." ted says with food in his mouth.

"ohh what are you filming i wanna be in it!" hansum says, also with a mouth full of food. "wow you guys need to learn to chew with your mouths closed. anyways, i was going to film either a roblox video or a blind deaf mute baking challenge but im not sure yet."

the front door creeks open as tyler and charlies hands fly up in sync. "me i wanna!" "wait no i wanna be in it" i roll my eyes and laugh "you can both be in it"

"you can both be in what," schlatt says in the most monotonous voice. "were filming a video tonight for the lunch club but talia is also filming a vid-" 

"ill be in the lunch club one." schlatt nods at ted, without looking at me. like actively avoiding me and my general area. "okay charlie, tyler, you guys film for lunch club and we can film mine after, that sound good to everyone?" a series of yes's fill the room and i go lay on the couch, before turning on the tv to the episode of modern family i was watching.

until jonathan schlatt comes and takes the remote, and turns off the fucking tv. "what the fuck is your problem schlatt?" i stand up and rip the remote back from his hands. "its too fucking loud" "and that means turning it off, why not just ask me to lower it." i say trying to keep my composer. "you're just fucking annoying me talia". 

"and youre a fucking child jonathan." and with that i walk to my room and slam the door.

real life!

schlatts pov

god, what the hell is wrong with me? her little "i love you" last night raised every red flag in my head and now everything in me is telling me to drink, run, scream, and be a huge fucking  dick to her. the worst part, she doesn't remember it, nor did she mean it.

"yo what the fuck was that schlatt?" ted walks up to me, clearly he had overheard all of that, but with how hard talia slammed her door, it was hard not to question what i said.

"what did you say to her?" charlie adds with a tone i don't appreciate.

"guys lay the fuck off okay? it's none of your business what i said." i snark at ted.

"listen dickhead, you dont get to speak to us that way, your one of my best friends but that doesn't give you free liberty to be a jackass, so fuck off and go apologise to talia." ted smacks me over the back of the head before returning to go eat his bacon egg and cheese.

i stand there in disbelief for a moment, i really didnt think ted would do that, ill be honest. but now its making me feel even more like a dick. i do have to apologize to her, fuckkkkk. i stomp my way upstairs to her door and knock twice

"housekeeping?" i say in a high voice.

the door opens slowly and i see her standing there, eyes puffy and slightly red yet full of tears, lips plump, and a red hoodie engulfing her whole body, a hoodie i recognize as my own from high school. "why are you such a dick." she says voice hoarse, wobbly. and for a second i feel my heart crack in two.

"im so sorry talia, i am such a dick, youre right, and its not fair. at all, i just miss you so much, and i feel like we will never have what we did back, and thats all i want. please can we just watch 21 jump street together? like old times? but i understand if thats not in the cards right now i can give you space if-" i rush out before my words get caught off by her arms flinging around my waist. she pulls me in her room and shuts the door and throws me the remote.

"only if we recite all the lines together." she smiles up at me before jumping on her bed.

"what the fuck are you guys supposed to be?" my friend at the time, Alex, asks." alex watch out schlatty over here is in a pissy mood, were Schmidt and Jenko from 21 jump street!" talia jumps in before running over to her friends. "yo have you hit that yet, shes hot as fuck" alex slaps me on the back. "shut the fuck up" i roll my eyes and grab a drink. 

"im serious bro, if ur not into her like that imma have to slide in, cause damn bro. did you hear she gave David a bj! lucky guy right there." oh fuck no.

"listen bro, youre not her type number one, and number two dont fucking talk about her like that, and three she didnt touch david. so stop spreading shit." i feel my jaw clench when he smiles at me

"god youre so in love with her."

[normal-thoughts-official]

I'm so interested in your Alec "brat tamer" hc can you give some more points about it.

oh gee anon, i guess ill have to huh. the things i do for you guys am i right

First of all, I'mma start off by saying bratplay is not even my thing - im more of a good ole' fashioned sub. But Alec being a brat tamer is just so????? Canon???????? Like it is a Fact™

Do you see how turned on this boy gets whenever Magnus challenges him for anything. Its unbelievable. I know hes basically the equivalent of a horny teenager since he never really allowed himself that before but come on. They'll be playing pool and Magnus will be like "haha I'm gonna cheat on this and win :)))" and Alec will be like Wow. Cannot Believe I Am Rocking A Boner Right Now

Like to be fair Alec is always horny but whenever Magnus challenges him and looks at him with this gleeful look in his eyes you can see Alec physically restraining himself from groaning and shoving him against a wall???? except of course for the glorious time where he actually did that restraint be damned

The whole fighting/makeout scene is so brat tamer Alec like. they really went out of their fucking way, first Magnus asking Alec to lock him up, then Magnus saying that he likes it when Alec gets aUtHoRiTatiVE not once but twice (three if you count the "i like seeing you in your shadowhunter mode" as a separate one since hes basically repeating himself). and then for the whole thing Magnus is just????? being a little shit??? "I didnt know this was supposed to be a competition" "oh, am i supposed to just let you win?", "tell me you're not just a little impressed", the way Magnus beckons him and keeps teasing and showing off and Alec keeps rising to the challenge and getting more and more turned on. And then Magnus disobeys his orders and Alec snaps and shoves him against a wall??? Like bruh

Not to mention the way his voice lowers when he tells magnus not to flirt with him just shows. That just the mention of Magnus liking him being authoritative turns him on. And like usually Alec is fucking blind to innuendo and flirting so the fact that he not only got it but got turned on by it hints that this is a thing that they do frequently, Magnus saying that he likes it when Alec gets bossy and then being a little teasing shit until Alec snaps :))

And then he just shoves Magnus against a wall (and Magnus goes very willingly and clearly pleased with himself to get what he wanted ugh they so have done this before) and kisses him bruisingly hard??????? And Magnus is all ffffgggg chasing after him once he pulls back but Alec holds him back and orders him to the bedroom god i have no words i cant believe this scene was real. And he goes knowing full well that Magnus will be trailing behind him

Basically:

Alec gets turned on when Magnus is a little shit

+

And reacts by ordering him around and manhandling him

=

Alec is a brat tamer

No shade only facts

And Magnus loves it and is fully willing to use that against him as much as he can because hey as long as it ends with him on his knees and Alec pulling him by the hair and spanking him and making remarks about how he's not so cocky now, is he, the fucking cocktease?, it's fair game

Like Magnus is not even that much of a brat really (sometimes the mood strikes him but as a rule he's an eager submissive, all too happy to wear alec's collar and be pulled around on a leash and get on his knees and kiss his feet - look he just likes it okay) but Alec gets particularly turned on and therefore particularly amazing when Magnus acts bratty, so, you know

Like Alec will usually handle him sweetly even when they're playing cuz he's a sweetheart but Magnus wants to be manhandled sometimes and the way alec does it when they're doing bratplay is. Unparalleled. There's just nothing better than having Alec press him against a wall, close enough to pretty much lock Magnus in place, and hearing the way he growls as he shoves Magnus' hands above his head and holds him by the wrists, tight enough to bruise. Or the way he will leave hickeys all over Magnus' neck and collarbone, very visible, and make Magnus say he's Alec's little whore. jshdududhdj

Not to mention his "punishments" for Magnus' brattiness are just amazing and somehow exactly what Magnus wants every time. Being told to get on all fours and then spanked, being entirely tied up in shibari and gagged and told not to move or make a sound as Alec plays with his clit and withdraws and leaves him wanting every time he does, being on his knees by Alec's feet and having to beg him to please touch Magnus and Alec keeps telling him "no" in that bossy, low voice, being tied up and gagged and put on display while Alec completely ignores him and he squirms and tries to get some friction or something but he can't and he feels so humiliated and used and it's so good, being edged over and over and over until he cant even beg to cum anymore- just. Everything. Is exactly what he wants and needs and loves and fuck it's so good

And then there's the dirty talk, which Alec is always good at, but when he keeps reminding Magnus constantly that he's in charge, degrading him, calling him a slut, making him say that he's Alec's little slut and making him call Alec master, calling him a cocktease and being all like "what were you saying about how you won't let me win? mmm?" as he teases him and Magnus can do nothing but moan and whine from pleasure. hgggghhhgh

And then of course he's so gentle afterwards because we know Alec is the world's softest dom, just peppering kisses all over Magnus and telling him he did so well and looked so pretty and he loves him so much and thanking Magnus for trusting him with this, saying how much it humbles him, kissing his hand. ghhgf bringing him water and cleaning him up and saying he's beautiful and he loves him and always will. fffggggggggghhhghggh

So yeah brat tamer Alec

Thank u for coming to my ted talk

[emorishh]

literally all i need in life is for kids to think that i’m cool. literally all i fucking need is twelve year olds to laugh at my vine references and think i’m the coolest adult ever.

i’m literally so fucking far from the definition of an adult at this moment like. everyone my age knows how to function and is all like “look at me i can leave my dorm without panicking! look at me get groceries on a regular basis!” like no fuck that im so poorly adjusted bc my add wasn’t treated until my senior year in high school and now i’m fuckin struggling to take showers every couple of days let alone do my fuckin homework.

like fUCK all i need is to be liked by middle schoolers and children because they’re all so fucking valid and i just want them to think i’m cool so i can teach them and guide them and shit. all the validation i need comes from an eight year old gasping at my art because “wow it’s so pretty!!!”. like fuck yeah dude it sure is and i’m gonna start CRYING cuz ur just a bapy and i love u so much.

just like. fuck this adult bullshit i want the joy and simplicity of being best friends with a bunch of tweens doing some shit adults think is “cringey”. like. FUCK. ngl. just briefly, just to remind myself what it feels like. just briefly i wanna go back to when i was thirteen and i was able to actually write because i wasn’t stopped by crippling self doubt and executive dysfunction and all this weight pushing me into the mattress of my bed, the mattress with sheets i haven’t washed in weeks because doing a simple task is the equivalent of standing at the bottom of a mountain looking up.

i want to tell kids and young teens that life is really cool, and yeah it’ll be a dick sometimes, but things get better even if they get worse first. i want to make sure they don’t make the same mistakes i made. i want to encourage them in the ways i should’ve been encouraged, in the ways that WORK. not in the ways that just make me feel worse about everything. i want to tell every growing kid that yes, their problems ARE real and valid, and holy shit, PLEASE go to a psychiatrist, because the mental illness you think you have is definitely a mental illness you actually have. i want to tell them that self diagnosis is the first step in a real official medical diagnosis. i want to tell them that anyone who tells you to stop self diagnosing because they think you want to be “special” can and should FUCK OFF.

i want to tell them to get help sooner rather than later, i want to tell them that the bare minimum is better than nothing at all, i want to tell them that you’re RIGHT to say that adults aren’t always right, because adults are WRONG, like, a LOT. I want to tell them that being older is practically the exact same as being a kid, except you just know more. being an adult does not grant you access to infinite knowledge and understanding. being an adult is just being a kid with way more responsibilities and a lot more knowledge. being an adult does not mean you instantly know what you’re doing and can function normally in society, because fuck, SO many of us have NO IDEA what we’re doing, and we’re SCARED. i want to make sure they KNOW that adults are struggling too, that so many of us are panicking just like they are.

i don’t really have a great conclusion to this post. i just. FUCK. like. i just wanna be friends with kids because they’re so cool and it’s the best feeling ever when they think IM cool. cuz like, so many ppl my age know how to do stuff, and have like. jobs and friends and events they go to. and i just. i’m poorly adjusted and immature. and most of that has to do with the adhd that went untreated for the large majority of my life, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t valid.

that doesn’t mean it’s separate from my personality.

cuz like i’m hyper and immature and awkward and weird and childish and chaotic as fuck and a lot of that stems from my untreated adhd. that shit caused my social development to basically become non existent.

i read books in class, i read books at recess, i read books during lunch. i loved to play with kids my age when we were playing tag or making sand castles or playing make believe games. but then everyone started wanting to talk instead of run around on the playground and i was alone and there was no more tag. no more easy way to connect with my peers in a way that didn’t involve talking to them. because when i talked to them it was awkward. i wanted to talk about mermaids and climbing trees and how cool the characters are in these awesome books i’m reading.

i just.

ugh.

life is hard and i’m not doing good. i want to help kids in the ways that i could’ve been helped as a kid, but wasn’t.

and also, going back to the very first point i made in this post, like, disregarding all the serious stuff...

having kids think you’re cool is THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD.

anyways thank you for coming to my ted talk, if you read all of that you’re braver than any us marine, and holy shit, if you’re reading this and you suspect you might have a mental illness but you’re not sure... YOU HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS PLEASE GET HELP BECAUSE EVEN IF ITS NOT THE ONE YOU THINK IT IS ITS DEFINITELY SOMETHING THAT WILL MESS U UP LATER IN LIFE IF U DONT GET HELP RN

okay i’m gonna stop typing now HAIL AND FAREWELL MY DUDES AND DON’T FORGET TO LIKE SHARE AND SUBSCRIBE UWU

[jennycalendar]

sick day

read it on ao3!

Jenny figured that talking Willow down from her “Oh My God How Much Work Did I Miss” panic would be the hardest part of flu season, but when Rupert started coughing uncontrollably in the middle of a faculty meeting, she realized with an unpleasant jolt that she had an extremely difficult challenge ahead of her.

Namely, getting her workaholic of a boyfriend to take care of himself.

for @worn-whorehouse-stairs, who asked for sleep-deprived/loopy giles. this isn’t Exactly All About That, but i hope it is still something nice to read!!! i love u bunches and you deserve all the nice things <33

set somewhere in the interim between ted and surprise.

Flu season was sweeping through Sunnydale with such intensity that Jenny was seriously considering devoting some research time to looking up demonic viruses. Even Willow, who had had perfect attendance throughout the entire first semester, had had to miss a few days of school to get better. Jenny figured that talking Willow down from her “Oh My God How Much Work Did I Miss” panic would be the hardest part of flu season, but when Rupert started coughing uncontrollably in the middle of a faculty meeting, she realized with an unpleasant jolt that she had an extremely difficult challenge ahead of her.

Namely, getting her workaholic of a boyfriend to take care of himself.

“Really, Jenny, don’t fuss,” Rupert was saying irritably as they left the meeting. “I’m sure it’s only a light cough—”

“Xander threw up in class last week,” said Jenny stubbornly, “and he was saying that it was just a cough too. The only reason Buffy hasn’t caught whatever’s going around is because she is a Vampire Slayer—” she determinedly ignored the bemused look thrown in her direction by a passing group of students, “—and you are not that, so you need to take the day off before your cough gets worse.”

“I am not a teenager,” said Rupert. “I have a full-fledged immune system, and Sunnydale depends on my being present to—”

“Exactly!” Jenny persisted. “You need to be present! And you’re not doing anyone any favors if you get struck down with the flu!”

“Well, then, I’d best make use of the time that I can work, hadn’t I?” countered Rupert, grinning triumphantly as though he thought he was making some kind of a valid point.

“You’re completely missing what I’m trying to say,” said Jenny, crossing her arms and fixing him with the Look she gave students who tried to talk their way out of doing homework. It didn’t have the desired effect on Rupert, who gave her a Look right back. “You’re important, Rupert, to—” She stopped, blushing. Maybe it was too soon to go there. “To a lot of people,” she said awkwardly. “Probably.”

Rupert bit his lip, giving her a little sideways grin. God, Jenny missed the days when he didn’t know her well enough to pick up on what she was really saying. “Well,” he said. “Those people have no need to worry, because I can take care of myself just fine,” and he leaned in to kiss her.

“Ugh,” said Jenny, stopping him before he could. “No. Sick person germs.”

“Jenny, really, it was just a cough—”

“Taking no chances!” Jenny stepped back, giving him a thumbs-up. “Take care of yourself! Get better!”

Rupert rolled his eyes, but he was smiling a little as she turned to head to class.

And then, of course, Buffy called Jenny with that thread of panicked irritation in her voice that only ever came up when Rupert was being an idiot. Jenny, who had seen this coming a mile away, resignedly put down the papers she was grading and drove down to Sunnydale High, stopping only to pick up some ibuprofen for said idiot and some chocolate for Buffy.

Buffy appreciated the chocolate. “I deserve, like, so much candy for putting up with this,” she informed Jenny, taking a large bite of the Hershey’s bar. “He probably would have stayed passed out here all night if I hadn’t stopped by to check in, and where would we be then?”

“I am fine,” said Rupert, “if you would all stop fussing—”

“Facedown in the middle of a book is not fine, sweetie,” said Jenny, crossing the room to gently touch his cheek. “And I’m no expert, but it looks like you’re running a fever. You’re coming home with me.”

“Are you propositioning me in front of my Slayer, Ms. Calendar?” quipped Rupert, then sneezed.

“Yes,” said Jenny dryly, patting his shoulder. “That is definitely what I’m doing right now.” To Buffy, she added, “You kids can hold down the fort while I keep an eye on him, right?”

“Pretty much,” said Buffy, shrugging. “We’ll beep you if there’s an issue.” Her face softened slightly as she looked at both of them. “Thanks for doing this,” she said. “I’m pretty sure you’re the only one he’d listen to.”

“Hardly,” said Jenny, amused. “I told him two days ago that he should take it easy.”

“If you would all stop talking about me as though I’m dead,” Rupert interjected, tried to stand up, and swayed alarmingly.

Buffy moved forward, steadying him. “I can still help you guys get home?” she offered. “I’m not going to be getting sick any time soon—thank you, Slayer mojo,” she grinned, ponytail swishing, “and I’m pretty sure trying to hold Giles up might totally crush you. You’re super tiny.”

“Pot, kettle,” Jenny pointed out, but gave Buffy a grateful smile in return.

“Now hold on,” said Rupert, still leaning heavily on Buffy. “I have not in any way agreed to this.”

“Aww, isn’t he sweet?” Buffy patted Rupert’s arm. “He thinks he has a choice!”

“So cute,” Jenny agreed, leaning in to kiss Rupert on the cheek. “All right, to my car?”

“No,” said Rupert.

“To your car!” Buffy sang out, towing Rupert out of the library. Pleased by her success, Jenny followed.

So it turned out Jenny had been completely off base, calling taking care of Rupert a challenge. Challenge was the word she used to describe troublesome students, or a virus on her computer, or another generally frustrating but inevitably solvable problem. In essence, calling Rupert’s illness a challenge implied that there was a logical way to figure out how to help him, and a good two hours spent trying to convince him to take cold medicine had made it clear that that was very much not the case.

“It’ll make me all loopy, Jenny,” Rupert informed her, completely disregarding the fact that he had said this exact sentence a good five times already. “A Watcher needs to be on high alert, not—not incapacitated by medicines designed to ease one into sleep—”

“Rupert,” said Jenny, who was by this point absolutely exhausted, “take the damn medicine.”

“I am a Watcher,” said Rupert with dignity, “not an invalid, and I shall not waste time being sick!”

“It’s not a waste of time to just let me take care of you!” Jenny snapped, too tired to remember how to be gentle. “Just—god, Rupert, you’re sick, and I care about you, and I want you to get better! And you’re not going to be doing that if you refuse point-blank to do the things that will help you get better!”

Rupert blinked at her, stunned. Then, in one smooth motion, he picked up the cold medicine, poured it into the little plastic cup, and drank it.

Jenny looked at him for a long five seconds, trying to figure out what the hell she had said that had changed his mind. “Okay,” she said, exhausted. “Are we going to have to spend another two hours trying to get you into bed, or—”

Rupert reached out and took her hand, and Jenny realized that he was shaking. “No, you can—you can just—I’ll go to bed, Jenny,” he murmured, squeezing her hand.

“I’ll help you,” said Jenny immediately. “Lean on me.”

“I’m f—” At the look on Jenny’s face, Rupert stopped, then let her help him up without further comment.

As Jenny carefully led him to her bedroom, she found herself wondering if her taking care of him had been as good an idea as she’d thought it was. Granted, she knew he needed someone there, because otherwise he’d have ended up researching until he was legitimately too sick to work, but…was she the kind of someone who was cut out for playing nurse? Their relationship always felt so fragile as it was—more than he realized, even, considering what she was keeping from him—and she felt as though she wasn’t good at being anything but frustrated and tired. Rupert was the gentle, caring one, with his soft touches and sweet kisses. If it had been her sick, Rupert would have been patient, and calm, and so much better at this.

Jenny was brought out of her mini-spiral as they reached her bedroom and then her bed, at which point she gently lowered Rupert down to the best of her abilities. He hadn’t been leaning on her quite as much as Buffy, which made the process a little easier, because Buffy hadn’t been wrong about how much bigger Rupert was than her. “Rest up, okay?” she whispered, then pressed an awkward kiss to his cheek, hoping it might make up for her impassioned outburst.

“Mm. Love you,” Rupert mumbled, eyes already shut.

Jenny felt his words like a jolt to her system. He thinks you’re someone else, her brain was telling her, he’s hopped up on cold medicine, he doesn’t know what he’s saying—but the part of her that knew they could both pretend this didn’t happen in the morning, that part of her let her lean down and whisper, “I love you too. Rest up.”

Jenny woke up all stiff and achy, Rupert’s head pillowed on her lap. She was used to stretching out and sprawling across the bed like a starfish, so lying propped up against the pillows with a weight in her lap (however much-loved that weight might be) wasn’t exactly conducive to a good night’s sleep.

Rupert was awake, and looked almost nervously up at her, as though expecting her to push him away. “Morning,” he said hoarsely.

“You sound awful,” Jenny informed him, unable to keep the tenderness out of her voice. “Do you want some water?”

“Hm,” said Rupert noncommittally, snuggling his cheek into her leg.

“Is that a yes or a no?”

“Tired,” Rupert mumbled, closing his eyes again.

Jenny sighed, leaning back into the pillows and trying to feel bad about telling Rupert she loved him last night. She didn’t. Most of what she felt right now was tired, coupled with a little warm rush every time Rupert shifted to get more comfortable. She ran her hand through his hair and thought about how maybe she could try and make him tea when he was feeling a little better.

It took Rupert about fifteen minutes to properly wake up, at which point he sat up, leaned against the pillows, and said tiredly, “I don’t want to be a bother, Jenny—you have better things to do than to, to take care of me—”

“Shh,” said Jenny, and kissed his forehead. “How’s your throat? Do you want me to make you some tea?”

Rupert didn’t answer. He leaned forward, eyes fluttering shut, and bumped his forehead against Jenny’s. “Don’t go, will you?” he mumbled. It didn’t sound at all like he was talking about her leaving to go make tea.

“Not ever,” Jenny promised without thinking. Rupert’s eyes snapped up to meet hers—promises were different in the morning, when they were both wide awake—and she blushed, stumbling to qualify her statement. “I mean—not ever as in I’m not ever leaving while—while you’re, um, sick. Obviously.”

“Obviously,” Rupert agreed. He had a small, wondrous smile on his face.

Jenny almost wanted to ask if he remembered how, the night before, he’d said love you and she’d said I love you too. She decided against it. Call her a romantic, but she kinda didn’t want such a monumental moment to be while Rupert was sick and she had barely gotten any sleep. “Tea?” she asked.

“Please,” said Rupert, and rubbed his nose against hers.

Jenny smiled, squeezed his shoulder, and clambered awkwardly off the bed, realizing belatedly that neither of them had ever changed out of their work clothes. Sighing, she pulled her sweater off, then stepped out of her skirt, rummaging for a t-shirt and sweats in the bureau. “I think I have chamomile,” she said over her shoulder. “Will that be okay?”

“Quite,” said Rupert, who seemed to be restricting himself to one-word answers.

T-shirt on, Jenny turned, donning the shorts as she gave Rupert a sympathetic smile. “Throat that bad?” she asked.

Rupert made a face.

God, he was cute. How dare he be that cute? “Okay, well, I’ll go try and fix that for you,” said Jenny, and leaned down over him to press a quick kiss to his mouth. “Stay here and I’ll come back in with tea and—are you hungry?” Rupert shook his head. “So just tea for now.”

Jenny wasn’t very good at making people tea. She’d always been more of a coffee girl herself, and when she was sick, she usually just drove out and bought herself some tea from Starbucks or something. It was a trial-and-error kind of process, and the tea came out tasting mostly like hot water, but Rupert’s face lit up when she came in with the mug, which made everything feel worth it.

“Is it doing anything?” she asked, wincing a little at the look on Rupert’s face as he took a sip. “I know I’m not that great at—”

Rupert put the tea down. He reached across the bed and held her hand.

“Oh,” said Jenny, and blushed. “Okay.”

“Terrible tea, Jenny,” said Rupert, but he said it in the same way he’d said that he loved her. “Really quite awful.”

Jenny laughed and moved a little closer to him. “Feeling better?” she asked, reaching up to run a hand through his hair.

Rupert hummed, leaning into her hand. “A bit,” he said. “Helps to get some sleep.”

“Are you gonna fight me if I ask you to take some ibuprofen?”

“I don’t think so,” said Rupert softly.

Jenny smiled, a little frustrated, a little in love. “What changed?” she asked.

Rupert hesitated. Then he said, “I don’t think anyone has ever taken care of me when I get sick. Not with—not for a reason outside what they expect of me.”

That statement, coming from one of the best people Jenny knew, made her want to punch a wall. Or a Watcher. Or whatever family member that had instilled such a fucked-up sense of duty in someone so fucking precious. “Well, I do expect you to get better,” she said, trying to laugh.

“Jenny,” said Rupert wryly, like he knew what she was trying to do.

Jenny exhaled, a nervous breath. “I’m not very good at taking care of people,” she said. “But—” and she didn’t know how to finish that sentence without turning this relationship into something really permanent. She stopped herself, and kissed him.

Rupert kissed her back, rubbing his nose against hers when she pulled away. “You’re doing a damn good job, I think,” he informed her.

“You haven’t been taken care of before,” Jenny countered. “I could be doing a terrible job and it’d still be better than nothing.”

“You’re trying,” said Rupert, “and that’s what counts,” and he rolled onto his side, throwing an arm over her stomach. “I,” he said, “am going back to sleep, I think. If the children beep you, tell them that I am ill and that you are my de facto Watcher for the day.”

“Sounds fun,” said Jenny, kissing the top of his head. “Do I get to wear tweed and talk all British?”

“Only if the children get it on video,” said Rupert into her shoulder.

“You drive a hard bargain, Mr. Giles,” said Jenny contentedly, settling back into the pillows. “Let me know if you need anything, okay, babe?”

“Babe,” Rupert repeated, and giggled to himself. Jenny decided to attribute that to sick-person brain.

Buffy and the kids showed up with a care package after school, full of crossword puzzles and British-looking snacks and chicken soup from Buffy’s mom. “Tell him get better soon from us!” said Buffy earnestly, handing the package over. “We’d stay, but, y’know—sick person germs.”

“Gotcha,” said Jenny, grinning. “He’ll be happy you guys stopped by. I’m pretty sure he’s still napping, anyway, so—”

“Nice place, Ms. Calendar!” said Xander with interest, peering over Buffy’s shoulder. “Is that the new Nintendo system?”

“Anyway,” said Jenny. As much as she liked these kids, she was pretty sure Rupert needed actual rest, and having three teenagers loudly playing video games in her living room might make it difficult for her stuffy librarian to get some sleep.

“She’ll let you play on it when Giles gets better,” said Willow wisely, shepherding Buffy and Xander down the stairs. “Thanks for taking care of Giles, Ms. Calendar!”

“Of course she’s gonna take care of him,” Jenny heard Buffy saying, “she li-ikes him—” at which point Jenny shut the door, amused.

Rupert was in that semi-foggy half-asleep state that he’d been in for most of the day, but he did perk up a little when Jenny came in with the care package, which was, frankly one of the most adorable things she had ever seen. “Is that for me?” he said, visibly delighted.

“As a matter of fact, it is,” Jenny answered, sitting down on the bed next to him and opening the package. “Lots of sick person stuff. Plus some chicken soup from Mrs. Summers, if you’re feeling up to eating…?”

“I can manage chicken soup, I think,” said Rupert happily, pressing a slightly off-center kiss to Jenny’s cheek. “This really is very nice, Jenny, thank you very much for doing it—”

Jenny decided that now probably wouldn’t be the right time to remind him that she had spent a good two days fighting him to get him to lie down. “Of course,” she said instead, squeezing his shoulder. “How’s my English patient?”

“A bit better, I think,” said Rupert, then sneezed. “Well. Not all better, but getting there.”

“That’s a good start,” said Jenny, her voice softening. “You work yourself too hard, you know that?”

She was expecting some opposition from Rupert on this point. What she wasn’t expecting was for him to sigh, lean into her, and say quietly, “I know.”

“Then why do it?”

“Who else will?”

“Me,” said Jenny.

Rupert looked slowly up at her, a look in his eyes she had only seen a few times before. The moment after their first kiss, the night when he draped his jacket over her shoulders, and—now. Apparently. “You,” he echoed, as though finding the answer to a question he hadn’t known he had.

I love you too, Jenny thought, and realized that maybe they didn’t need to say it to know it.

[16screamingferalrats]

Pregerant farts

pergernanannanant

Karts marts, mario

He is a duck

Lord it duck duck lord

Fiesta ya

Now for the headlinf entarce he is doin fhe impossinle

Ful loac the in phosifocal ywah

He he is

His name is paul

Enter now

Shir bitch where is he the fick

Shit beinc idk

Godh darkn emma

Vore you to hell in back

Hewo msr Hiddn?

Whos did?

Hiddin!

Im hiddgenns your not me you are

Fool, i ameth the emma! I haveth broughtnyour groceries from thou market once, as well you beith mh professor

Pronc?

Pronc.

Come in younginnn i have very many shotguns

Bam bam

Who is this twink you broughtn along bemmma

Emma: it is my timnk, he is the paul

Paul?

Yes paul.

Hes a comin?

He has a comin, yes.

Amazinf, come in paul twink lets, booze

Brere?

Yes! We have all. But first who ist thour?

Thos r my main bitches pronc

Who ist thou? U are purk

Tiddy: I am not

Hiddnr: you are

My shotguns are amazknf, they are gread, singeth the beginning of the rock

The rock?

The mo, sonfeth the moanne now or i will blam blam you heathens down to dimmsdale dimmadome

Moammma wake way

We singeth dost thou mack you happy pronc?

Yes, we will boozeth together and leave the sad kitty woman with her dying bigch

He is not a bitch he is my good man

He is to die, look at his blue shit

His brain shit?

Absolutely, what is this?

Brain shit, good sir.

Ansolurely bemma, you are hromg

/i dont know where sm the boozsee

Charline: So, husband, you are dead

I am lonely bc you are hot and police and will shoot me, not good

Horny, i am. Kittens

I will bring u kittens

Ted no more kittens cops will shoot me

I will eat his brainfs

U hornh fuck lets fuck on a cop car

Be horny do crimez

Not exactly burt i like ur enerhy ted

Paul, before this, went to a coffe shop and ordered some shit. He was like !!!! Big armm there sree small arm out there and amall arm was all

I will sing

Paul was not hallg, he got his coffee, her big bitch got the blue shits. Charlin g an her bichads cop hoe got ran in a truck stop, got pulled obver for honru. Hornh is bamned this is family friendly. Cops are bad but have hands, lots of hands, jazxx hands, manh hands, will shoot.

Back to bemma in ghe crib, Charline dies

But! I easnt to fuck tonn the cop car

U cannot

I wil! U dont me

Ted will me

I will eat ted

Do not

I will

)he east ted

Charline: shife fuck why

He had goot hand, likes jamcnf.

Charline: does he not live?

Shir, he doesn, fuck wahter sd

I will eat u too

No

I will fuck you on the cop car?

Fine

I lied, ill just eat you

Fair enough.

Charline gets mcwrapped in a nugget

We would kinglu appreciate toue deat thank touz

No my god do not death me, bemma is smol but cannot be comtaine, hou will let big arms bemma

Out

Don not

O god you are completley right but let me sinf the entirly of hamiltom

Procnn hiddnr : hamilton!! Fuck hamilton, feic of shir headdass i am the spirit of thomas jefferson and i will kick his ass

Paul: he is tomas jefferson, he will kcik your ass hamilton

Cop: i am not hamilton

Prom: shut to fuck up sing moannna hamiltom

I know all the lyrics

Because you are hamilton

I am not

You are, sinf moanna

I am moanna,

Says who

Says lin

Sing moana

No

Fine, fuck you bam bam

Paul: shit fuck wow

Charline: yiu will pau but first i am

To sing that one part in phatnom of the popra

Aaaaaaaaaaa

Hiddn: literallt shit the fuck up bam

Paul: o fuc they are dead and have a lot of blue shit, so much blie shit. Who will die off the blue shif nexts

Ben: i will

Paul: thats fair, you have a gag daughter tho

Ben: gays are immortla they have swords

Paul: shit bitch you is right, but we have to protect the straights

Ben: you are a noble twonk

We will ride at midnight

Hiddn: do not go

With that twink y’all death

Bemme: timothy shut the fcul up you trick ass bitch

Alic: guess what im dead

Ben: no ur not ur gay and john mulany powers u

Alex: thats true but im sad

Ben: this is not sad times gay, get out

Cels: no, you lieft me and i fell apart i punched the wlal and cried bam bam bam you left me and i changed a part anf set up all that truthfull shit inside so i built a bomb

Ben: you didnnot thats just bmc

Cled: thats not

Ben: wheres the bomb

Cels: you set it off in my heart, friendship is ober with dad now bombs and gays are mh friends now

Ben: shit i fucked up

Pail: we have to go shes emo

Ben: we cannot

Paul: okay well i have a girlfiend with big arms and no will to live back in oklahama and i need to get back to her bc i know she secretly knows moana and will not gide it for long

Ben: resonable

Hiddn: wmma, guess whost

Emma: whT

Ive been singing this whole fucking time

You were not

True, only on the inside

Okay, so?

I am clearly a homozexual

Okay.

I, i am thomas jefferson

That is untrue you are not tomas jefferson

I am. I will probe it to you

You will not bitch youll ge t the blue gay shit its in the air and tuens the frogs gay

It does not

It reallt doss

Okay shut up you useless futch i will sinf moana

You will not

I will, i am homozesula and must sing moana

Please dont, timothey

Its thimas:

Its not

I will stop your fucking show bitchass

I wll sinf with mh boyfrens

You do not have any boyfriends

Ibigth, i had fove, they were fun

Oh reallt

Yes and id throw pigs around

Thats not reallt

It is, we would through pigs

Ted: i have remateriwalxes

That is: pretty fucking ridiculous

You theough pigs?

Thats fair.

Well, im ted again.

Okay, well you seem pretty interested in my gay musical

Well thats because im not gay

You literallt fucked charline on a cop car

That was one time i mistook her for a twink

You gave her cats

Thats just peak wlw mlm solidarit

True, anyways i was gay once

We know

I theough pigs

We know

I will now summon the souls of my gays

Rise, queens

We rise i am greg

I do theoh pigs

Thats not fuckinf true pigs are large as shit

Okay well were done bein gay so eat out gay blue shit

I will not

Youwill

Fuck you bitchasd

I will get us out,

How

I will sing moana, thomas hates moana

Why

Hamilton is moana

O true, so are you just gonna die again or

Yes i will doe

Okay

Hello emma

Hellow twink

How are you

Not bad my gay teacher almost gave me the blue shit

Not good

No

Lets get the fuck out of here

Okay

Lets take the plane

Delta airline?

Dasani

No not fuckinf dasani thag shits bad

Fuck outra here i aint got no moneh bemma

Okay

Cop: this time i am green and have more guns

Okay

Fuck trans people

I will push you out of this copeted

Do it busdy

Paul pushed the terf armh cop man with lots of hans and he dies

Wow fuck the copters crabsing

Shit fuck their aint not autopilot

Ur the autopilot but your a twink and cant drive

Shit your right

Okah we will crahs

/they crabs

Bemma: shir bfch my leg

Paul: this aint spongebob get up

Emme: i will make out with you

Paul: im not a lesbian

Emma: inwill spir blood as a sacrifice?

Paul: optional

Emma: okay *bloods*

Paul: the sacrifice was not kindly taken but the gods are happy

Okay

I am thor

Okay

You are a lesbian

Okay

I will die for you

You will

Okay lit, have. Agood day

You too paul

The end

[spirit-shroud]

what’s some of your favorite plight headcanons? do you have any about the author? :o

first of all, anon, marry me right now immediately, im love u ive been dying to talk about these

okay so if you ask me what basis literally any of these have in canon i’ll have no answers but heres some of my personal faves i’ve come up w!! these are HCs im more or less using in a fanfic ill,,, one day actually write... instead of just... awkwardly mentioning it all the time  haha end me writing is hard

im gonna limit my lampy hcs to five because i really do have so many more than that i just love him so much kjdfhgdjkhfg

1. lamp boy? trans guy. at the time niko’s there and all The Nonsense happens(tm) he hasnt chosen a name or anything so hes just kinda The Lamplighter (occasionally he’ll panic and just say plight if someone, like, asks him for a name. nobody’s really connected the dots that its just lamplighter or if they have, they don’t want to mention it) maybe it’ll just stick or he’ll actually come up with something ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ for now, that’s just his title2. he has, exactly one(1!) time made the slip-up of calling Kip mom, either because she was worrying about him or whatever, and she hasn’t let him forget it. she sends him plants and books and helps him out whenever he’s asked to repair something he hasn’t encountered before. if you ask him about it, he’d say it’s dumb (but wow she’s a lifesaver!!) 

3. even on his day off he needs to be doing something, whether its just wandering around or trying to figure out how the heck to solve a rubik’s cube or whatever else. he finds idle time really stifling even when he could be sleeping. he probably would love things like stim toys just so he has something to do with his hands like tbh (imagine how powerful he’d be if he had like. video games. multitask level: ultimate) 

4. since he’s super sleepless, most likely malnourished as hell, and definitely vibrating from caffeine at any given moment he doesn’t have the best memory at all. like. sure he’ll remember the radio station of something he used to listen to like 9 whole years ago that doesn’t exist anymore but if you ask him to remember like.. where he’s supposed to be in an hour? no. ask him to remember someone’s name??? no. he’s just. not going to. ever. it’s a fact of life. however, to try and curb that, he’s gotten SUPER GOOD at keeping lists of everything to accomplish in a day, where, what time, etc and sticking to it. the day he loses his pocket notebook is the day the world ends. 

5. this is more of a,,, self-insert, unrelated romance headcanon but. listen. hes the most disaster bisexual to ever walk this earth. humans beware. he has really really low standards so like if you ever show him any care/concern chances are he'd die for you and also screw up any everyday conversation. HOWEVER,  he's also quite dumb. like. someone could legitimately walk up and confess their undying love to him outright and he'd be just talking to kip one night like 'okay so this guy i like said he was like, madly in love with me right? do you think he wants to like... go out on a date or was he just being nice? is that how friends are these days? i mean like we held hands once and we got coffee and now this, wow.’ 

‘that was a date, dear. what you just described was a date.’ 

‘...ah.’

(its a problem. someone please help him)

(just to reiterate i love lampy a whole heckload. also Big Question: where the heCK does all his money go if he works like 140 hrs/week.)

 okay now onto World Dad, whom I love but would also fight in a back alley because what the heck, guy. i really dont have too much on him tbh like it’s more Vague Theories than actual headcanons so im just going to dive into the juicy stuff first

1. i like to think that the major characters are, for the most part, extreme in one trait (kip = mom friend. george = all 6 personalities are different parts of one person. ling = nicest ever. lampy = workaholic, etc) because that’s just how the author remembers them. as well, the world kept getting smaller population wise as the other people were forgotten / their code just kept getting smaller. (but like that’s also really sad oh no)

2. i also like to think his fantasy stories are literally just like... fanfiction of his travels and the friends he’s met, maybe with different names/places. either as a way to remember who he met there or to just share the memory with a lot of people

3. he’s from earth! or alternatively, a very near-earth place, maybe one that’s more advanced (but still runs win95 for some reason)

4, it’s mentioned that he doesn’t like working on AI and i think why that is is because he has a tendency to accidentally give anything he touches like.. full sentience. im sure everyone would love a sentient roomba but. oh dear. that’s too scary. (also a big contributing factor to that is probably like.. idk.. the whole nonsense with the entity) not a headcanon but real talk wheRE DID HE GO how did hE DO THE SALTSTICE UPDATE IF HES FLOATING INDEFINITELY IN THE VOID

next episode of game theory: is the author secretly gaster?

anyways so maybe you can see who my favourite character is but uhhh yeah i just. i really like this game and the people in it s’all >/////////

thanks for coming to my ted talk

[chickenfetus]

all moongan

thank you for asking falen tbh i love u sm and i love doing these 

omg is this ask for this ask meme i literally almost posted this along with the wrong ask fml

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?

more cereal than mik because.. i dont eat cereal with milk……… i love the crunch

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

as someone who lives in a tropical country is that what its called idk we dont have seasons and it never gets lower than 25 degrees so yes that would be ideal

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

hrmmmmm… i just remember the page number?? or try to lmao if i dont remember i just skim through the pages and try to recognise where i left off

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

with at least 2 packets of sugar tbh…. i dont drink coffee

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

omg story time i went 2 get my braces removed and the dentist wanted to take pics so he was like “smile with your teeth!” and i was like ok! but then he kept saying i wasnt doing it right lmao… guess whos never smiled b4… (me) so he told me 2 practice my smile lol i didnt answer the qn but ya,,, i am probably

6: do you keep plants?

i used 2 be very against plants… now theyre okay i guess i dont rly keep any

7: do you name your plants?

refer 2 6

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?

art??? i havent drawn in awhile

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

no LOL

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

on my side!!!! i cant sleep on my back bc i gotta hug smth.. and my stomach is out of the qn

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?

🅱️… and .. same brainwaves…. poor mans ____…. this is all from the shady hq im so sorry my other pals

12: what’s your favorite planet?

the moon for no real reason

13: what’s something that made you smile today?

hMMm, watching astro and mx perform??? and just being shady with bell lmao

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

this… question,,,..so im thinking of a bright place with white walls and translucent curtains so the light call fill the (living) room perfectly and everythings really ??? sunny and shit idk its warm… the floor’s made of (fake?) wood and theres a small kitchen bc i cant cook and idk if my friend would be able to lol.. theres 2 bed rooms both are painfully small but it works.. theres one other room with a closet for clothes… the bathroom is just a shower, sink and toilet… theres no washing machine rip and ?? thats about it poor mens life

i watchd the like we used mv again and i realized ...... that is literally where i got this imagery from thanks the rose i love a relatable band

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!

heres a fact (?) from me first: it rains diamonds on one planet ?? mecury maybe?? mars??? whomst.. this isnt even a fact its ,me trying to recall shit

ok real fact: There are thousands of other planets out there. sorry lads this website doesnt wanna have fun

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish?

is spaghetti bolognese a pasta dish

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

im chill with my current hair colour??? bc its brown sometimes idk shitty hair

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.

i asked my irl friends (group name: panic support group) and this is what they said

K: everything

E: when u were one hour late (i dont remember this happening but i do know im always late but never for an hour past me wyd)

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?

goDD i dont but i sure want to

20: what’s your favorite eye color?

this is strange but every eye colour is my favourite although ppl with two or more colours in their eyes are so cool

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.

its just my school bag lmao i got it 4 years ago and i take it everywhere even if the event is “small” and they ask us to bring “smaller bags” ill bring my big ass school bag anyway it looks like this (i dont have to but linking stuff is so fun)

22: are you a morning person?

technically.???its the holidays but i still manage to get up before 10 (most of the time) and … even if i have like 5 hours of sleep i manage to feel awake really easily????

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

tf i just use my phone lmao this is what ive been doing for like a month now… i could watch every vlive i havent watched yet, i could make video compilations i could practice my art but… even though im out of school im still procrastinating.. legends only

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

mmmm falens the closest to that

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?

my classroom

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

white converse??  i have 2 get new ones every like 2 years since theyre also my school shoes and break easily….. other than those i have my blueblack converse too (i dont wear them as much so theyre still in one piece)

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?

i dont eat bubblegum bc im always afraid ill swallow it and die and im p sure its illegal here

28: sunrise or sunset?

sunset but i dont look outside enough for either

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?

hm……… with jen its when she sends me asks on anon despite it being super obvious like im not a Fan when my friends send me asks on anon bc sometimes i cant tell and i get a sense of false hope but w/ jen its okay but i know its her

with bell its when they reply to my keyboard smashes with their own keyboard smashes lmao and when they just??//?? say smth cute abt their faves (lately its been sanha thank u sh)

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

ya lmao when i have 2 sleep alone and its completely dark i have half a mind 2 believe some random supernatural being is out for me

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

hmM. socks are great i always wear them bc i wear shoes almost every time i go outside… i dont have any weird socks bc im Boring but i have 3 pkmn songs and 1 gudetama socks/.. bUT I DID buy my friend those socks with individual toe pockets… it was so funny when my other friend saw it she choked on her drink and almost spat it out. we laughed so hard we hit our heads against each other i love friendship.. i have 2 wear white socks for sch bc… aesthetic? god if i know lmao….. i only ever wear ankle socks bc….. socks any higher than that? cancelled.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

listen ive never stayed up later than like 1am ok maybe 2am??? but i was working on like a project that was due the next day for school with my groupmates (friends) so does that count lmao

33: what’s your fave pastry?

bread………. sugar donuts…….. i am Aware that thats not how u spell it but wtv

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

why does this ask so many qns in 1 qn……. i had a cat?? it had pink stripes and it didnt have a name bc i dont name my stuff… even my pokemon.. and yeah i still have it except its in a big dusty bag where all my other toys are kept

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?

i kinda have to use stationary for school so ya.. p often is correct… pretty pens??? i dont rly see the point whoopS!!! in exams u can only use black or blue so

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?

im listening 2 day6 so like day6

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?

my room isnt even my room i just go there to sleep .. the place im always at is like a study area except its open?? so everyone can see me lol and . its not messy?? if u look at it from far but the shit on the desk and shelves are so fucking messy god i need to pack those

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

aLRIGHT LADS welcome 2 megans ted talk

(skip this if ur not fond of drama)

so something (refer to the song he said suits myday) happened with jae recently and ive seen fans trying to defend him by @ing him and saying that they love him which is fine - great even! but what i dont approve is how everyone’s basically forgotten about the whole matter because they had concerts so instead of @-ing him and asking him to explain himself, they tell him what a great concert it was which is also great bc their concerts are honestly amazing. basically my pet peeve is when ppl dismiss the problematic action of some people just bc they like them.

another thing is that there were some fans who started guilting others for wanting to drop day6 completely because of what jae did and in my opinion i think it is totally cool to want to drop a group if they did smth bad like??? its ur life???? u can choose who you want to like. what is not cool is pulling out all the good things the person has ever done in their entire life and try to remind others about the positive sides of the person. yes. they’re an encouraging person, etc. but that does not cancel out the bad things they’ve done until they explain/apologise. what is infuriating is just the manner some people took it?? they literally went ahead and tweeted shit like “would your parents drop you if you did smth wrong?” and “you’re seriously gonna drop someone whos been nothing been nice because of one incident?” yes. people will and you dont have any fucking right to stop them? so dont go pulling out receipts.

another thing. its also okay to want to stan the whole group even if someone has done smth problematic. like? to me youre cool if youre able to see and acknowledge the bad shit someone has done and still stand by their side while educating them at the same time its nice to have faith in your idols. however, i wont say much when your idols dont respond and/or respond in a way that shows absolutely no remorse. its cool if you want to support them too, despite that.

tldr; dont fucking excuse someone’s behaviour/action just because youre so far up their fucking ass. dont pull out shit from before either, be it good or bad. and lastly, its okay to want to drop/continue supporting them, its your life.

i just wanted to talk about this tbh,, it was nice to see a few mydays trying to urge jae to explain the whole situation but seeing as he still hasnt and couldve it really irks me :-/

okay update its been a day and i havent really thought about this but im kinda conflicted now bc jae still hasnt talked about the song and im probably just making a big deal out of smth that will never happen again but it really doesnt sit right with me knowing that jae recommended that song to his fans and said it suited mydays?? bc looking at the lyrics... i SURE hope not... idk i have neither forgiven or forgotten but he’s okay now.? i cant stay mad at someone for that long anyway ill never forgive him 4 it though lmao petty ppl only

another thing... jae’s still an amazing person to me with all the encouraging words he says to mydays but this one incident is just soOOOOO hrm and i did go off tangent with the question as usual lol

39: what color do you wear the most?

i wear a lot of colours tbh??? but bc its rly hot out ive just been wearing the same shirt every time i leave the house and its black so

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?

i dont wear jewelry rip

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?

challenger deep

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!

hm,, ive only ever visited this coffee shop like more than once bc the girl i used 2 like showed it to me b4 like 2 years ago and it was nice i liked their mocha frappe and its cozy i guess??? sometimes i go there with friends to study/just eat but i havent gone in awhile.., its two stories and it has an open air sitting area too i prefer sitting inside bc the sun is a big no thanks.. the ceiling is kind of like?? going downward?? like the kind iin attics???? idk man it was nice

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

u cant see shit here sorry

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?

cant relate

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

yea?? sometimes i just gotta bc my brain wont shut the fuck up

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

suddenly all of the puns i know have left my mind thanks @ me

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

vegetables

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

the dark and whats basically in it???? like ghosts zombies and shit u kno the scary shit

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

i like buying albums?? theres a CD in those so it counts lmao i bought sunrise by day6

50: what’s an odd thing you collect?

boxes??? like containers????

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

boxy and letting go by day6

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

YOU KNOW I HAD TO DO IT TO THEM and oh worm

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?

me: rocky.. ?????? from astro.. /?? no ive never heard of any of those and i saw the word horror so u wont hear abt those from me any time soon

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

i literally havent been outside for 2 days

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?

be petty aka yesterday i changed my twitter icon from jae 2 brian bc jae’s being a child rn so hes out

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?

when they ramble abt smth they like thanksk buds

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?

is this the song from p!atd i have it in my playlist lmao oh i fucing hate this song i always skip it im not listening

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?

idk what either of those are but bell and boxy

59: what’s your favorite myth?

idk any

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

anything that eunwoo has ever written

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?

ive given eggs for karissa’s birthday b4 and i got a kermit its not stupid tho its just the closest thign i could think of

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?

i drink water juice everyday every minute every hour

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?

my books are all in shelves lads i just  heard the fucking keys rattle im not doing this shit im logging off night

ok day 3 and im back like i said previously my books are on shelves i tried rearranging them by series b4 but my housekeeper rearrnaged them randomly the next day so i gave up

i make playlists for songs that i like, really like (i still skip them sometimes rip) and songs that my friend recommends me i have a seperate playlist for the songs i like in japanese 2

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?

light blue?? like its actually p white bc its cloudy

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with?

m not rly

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?

just. leaves maybe??

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

Horror Movie

68: what’s winter like where you live?

oh winter is fucking fantastic it never gets colder than 25 degrees celsius here and if it does rain it lasts for like 10 minutes

69: what are your favorite board games?

i used to rly like snake and ladders and monopoly :-o

70: have you ever used a ouija board?

im not ready for that kinda death

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea?

english breakfast or earl gray??? those r like the standard right

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?

ya but i never do bc i either forget to or am just 2 lazy

73: what are some of your worst habits?

being lazy + procrastinating :-D

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

okie :-o ..

they’re great ok ive talked abt them like 10 times in the span of 2 months but whatever folks

they’re super nice, kind and just all of the positive adjectives out there in the dictionary ...... they’ve helped me multiple times and they’re always there 2 lend me a listening ear (or in our case, eye lmao) idk??? im just super comfortable around them always and im honestly so thankful we became mutuals (and subsequently friends) last year!!!! i cant say a lot bc ill just get v repetitive but overall they’re an awesome friend and im glad we still communicate daily via twitter and sometimes our skype sessions even if they’re kinda awkward bc i never know when 2 talk bc im scared ill speak and theyll say smth and itll turn into a MESS which actually happened lmao  

im looking forward to the day our skype sessions become super smooth and easy going!!!

75: tell us about your pets!

i have none but id die for boxys cats

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?

well yeah always tbh but its not smth i have to do but more like want to do im just 2 lazy to get around doing it

77: pink or yellow lemonade?

?? i almost said lemons arent pink but i Remembered...... yellow lemonade

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

i feel like this is an Attack? okay LISTEN so story time again.

on the flight back from japan i watched the alien covenant and i couldnt even get past the scene where the baby alien was gonna kill the poor guy who ended up being locked up with the infected dude as soon as i saw the blood and the alien emerge from the guy’s back i bolted lmao

so to calm myself down nd block that memory from my mind i went ahead and watched despicable me 3.. which HONESTLY im the worst critic ever but in my humble opinion.... the movie was good????????? idk i didnt watch minions the movie though i got lazy again whooopS!

anwyay i sidetracked but im neutral im not a fan but i wouldnt go out of my way to call minions annoying?? bc they really arent? i feel like its only seen that way bc of how people make posts abt how annoying minions are even tho.. they arent??

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

my memory hates me so every specific thing my friends have ever done for me has left my mind but .

the cutest thing? everything my friends do for me

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

theyre yellow and no i didnt theyve been there ever since i could remember

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

lava cake

82: are/were you good in school?

yeah i was good in school for like the first three years and this year i just flopped so badly lmao and its my important year too oh well my exams r over and i still dont have a backup plan in mind

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?

all of dance gavin dance’s albums have awesome art

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

back when i was really into 5sos i thought of getting a tally since that was their logo at that time but now no not really unless i decide to get lance’s face tattooed onto my forehead on impulse

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?

im keeping up with hq, bnha and tg manga!!!!

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?

idk what those r but sure

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

big hero 6

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

who wrote this whats up with these questions

i googled and.. not really?? they all look nice

89: are you close to your parents?

close enough to stand being in the same room as them but not close enough to want to initiate conversations

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.

tokyo was really cool (literally) and if i ever go again id love to go with friends so we can explore more??

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?

japan was supposed to be the only plan for this year but my grandad passed away so i had to go to malaysia multiple times earlier this year ik this wasnt the qn but ive already went to the planned destination tm so

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?

BARELY SPRINKLES A PINCH im anti cheese

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?

um. like?? i tie the sides of my hair that cover my face back??? bc i dont like hair in my face

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

bell

95: what are your plans for this weekend?

hopefully something useful

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?

i also click remind me tomorrow lmao

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

infp-t, capricorn, hufflepuff (same as falen nd jen yay)

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?

uh ive never been hiking and i dont plan on it sorry body

99: list some five (or id never shut up) songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

currently......

when you love someone - day6

like we used to - the rose

crazy sexy cool - astro

death of a strawberry - dance gavin dance

if it means a lot to you - a day to remember

idk if these actually “resonate to my soul” they just sound nice

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

oh worm.. i wouldnt miind either???

i know i have 2 choose but like

if i go back into the past i could be less annoying?? but the past has actually helped me be the way i am today and i think im learning to be a better person?? im definitely way better than how i was previously 5 years ago and im just grateful i was able to learn from my mistakes???

so i wouldnt go back to the past.

if its in the future i can see how ill end up and if its not good i might end up being able to change myself so i dont get my “bad end”..???? maybe or i can just see what happens in the future and i can look forward to it

itll also give me a chnace to have the most fun while i can if its not too nice

so my decision is to go to the future

thank you so much for asking falen god this got so long lmao

[imsarabum]

Responses to {Part 26} I Won’t Stop You // Jeon Jungkook, Vampire!AU Asks~

Please ‘Keep Reading’ to find my response to your ask ^^ As always, I have copied and pasted all asks into this post in regards to last night’s chapter to avoid clogging up people’s dashboards and to avoid spoilers for those who may still wish to read the chapter. Thank you ^^

(I have also included asks that I received in the hours before IWSY was posted ^^)

Anonymous said: I was having a really horrible day. And that's when I realized IWSY is getting updated tonight and it hasn't been as bad as a day as expected!^^  On a side note, do you like 2PM? I just wanted to see possibly. If you do, what is your favorite song? Thank you for being so awesome! 💕😘

I’m sorry you are having a really horrible day *hugs* but I hope IWSY can make you smile a little bit! And yes, I like 2PM, but is it bad to say that my fav song was 10 our of 10? LOLOL I still listen to it occasionally :3

Anonymous said: can't wait for the new iwsy chapter :)))

Yay I hope you enjoy it!!

@hemhings said: I won't be able to read I Won't Stop You tonight because I'm on nightshift, I'm so upset about this!😭😭😨

Awww babe I’m sorry you’re working nightshift! :( that really sucks ugh :( but don’t worry my love, Jungkook will still be here for you when you get home!! :3

@ktaegyo said: okay i just had my first part of final exams today and I fucked it up but then I stumbled upon your story and read all 25 chapters at one go lmao. bless you, thank you for making me feel better. I love you

I’m sure you didn’t fuck it up my love, I’m sure you did the best you can do! *hugs* but I’m really happy that IWSY made you feel a little better, and I love you too :D

@fangirlunnie said: IWSY can have hundreds of chapters and I wouldn't get tired of it 👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻

Oh god I don’t think it will have hundreds of chapters xD But it is turning out to be quite long! I never expected the story to take my to all these different places and ideas xD But thank you so much beautiful :3

@adoppelna14 said: Every Tuesday I have this strange urge to tell you that I am waiting for the new Chapter of IWSY😂 and it's no joke. A lot of times I look at the date and I'm like, Oh no it's not Tuesday yet. And every Tuesday morning it's like, why can't it be night already?😂😭

Please never lose this strange urge because I really love seeing people get excited (cos I get excited too!!) hehe ^^ I really hope you’ll enjoy this one ahhhh c:

Anonymous said: Bc i live in the Netherlands i have to wait till 10:30 bc the time is 1 hour behind, but still I always stay awake for IWSY and I always go to sleep after i read it bc Tuesday is the longest school day i have whaha

Awh bless you that’s so late for you I’m sorry! :( But I hope that tonight’s chapter will be a good one :3

Anonymous said: iwsy is literally the highlight of my day... no lie. my university classes have already stopped for the summer so i have nothing to do today.. and iwsy hasnt come out yet.... so all i did was nap. i woke up, checked the time in the uk, went back to sleep, and checked the time again. you got yourself a dedicated reader here!!!!

You’re literally so cute I’m screaming xD But I’m so jealous that you’re already finished Uni for the summer! I really hope you like tonight’s chapter :3 thank you so much for reading IWSY!!

Anonymous said: IWSY has reached its final ark right? I'm so exited for the last chapters. ^0^

Maybe, maybe not! You’ll just have to wait! :D

@warriorinhealing said: Can I just say I'm literally sitting at the edGE OF MY BED just waITING for IWSY to update 😩 this story is so good and my friend got me into this and I don't regret(okay kinda of bc my emotions are played a lot in this story) and I jUST !!! 😭😩 I don't ship chim and tae but this story makes me wonder if I should and I love yoongi but this story makes me waNNA FITE HIM SO HARD and I want him to cATCH MY H A N DSS !!! and you just write so good 😭 sorry that this is long, I'm vvv emotional

Ahh you’re so cute thank you so much! I’m really happy that you got into IWSY and that you’re enjoying it :3 Tbh i ship tae with everyone lmao he’s so loveable and full of affection ^^ I hope you’ll enjoy tonight’s chapter my love!! thank you so much :3

Anonymous said: First of all, i'm going to calmly say that you are a wonderful writer and that new chapter is no joke. I also want to say something else. Pardon my french, but:  WHAT THE FUCK?  I almost started sobbing.... But its fine... Ill just wait another seven days to see what happens.   [I've never cried from fanfiction before so this was a nice surprise. Thank you for being such a great writer and continuously uploading IWSY. Just thank you~💕]

Hehe :3 thank you so much for saying that ahh~ i’m so happy you read it and liked? it! lolol :3 thank you so much dear!

Anonymous said: fuck.

same tbh

Anonymous said: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

YES

@jauntyjin said: IF U KILLED JIMIN ILL BE SO SAD

WHERE DOES IT SAY JIMIN DIED

@talkmemeytome said: Omg im ACTUALLY crying at iwsy youre such a great writer oh gosh

aaaaaaaaah thank you so much yay!!

Anonymous said: I AM SHOOKETH. OH MAN. THAT WAS SO GOOD. YOU'RE PLAYING WITH MY HEART STRINGS. JESUS

You’re so welcome hehe~ thank you very much!

@mysr3 said: Sara!!! Am so MAD at U rn!! That Yoongi bite not supposed 2b on Y/N ahh😖what!!! Am so upset Omg! Ok I know u r the queen of Cliff hanging but this is just the most painful one I ever had! Glare hard at u girl! Nice chapter! My emotions r all over the place again thx to u! Can u spare us n give us reassurance that everything will b okay! Plzz I need this! My tears keep on falling TT Thank you! I Love U n Ur Blog❤️❤️❤️ but should I continue LOVIN U after this hmm 🤔 Hav a good Day Sara! ❤️ Ps I like how u portrayed Y/N to b kind of bad ass this time! But Jimin!!!! Why~

It’s okay~ everyone’s mad at me :( Don’t cry! Keep reading! hehe :) And Y/N has always been bad ass ^^ But she definitely went overboard and couldn’t control her anger in this chapter I think^^ thank you so much for reading my love!

Anonymous said: 😯🙁😢😭😵😱  ☝basically how i felt while reading this chapter haha BUT DAMN NOW I REALLY NEED TO KNOW HOW THIS WILL TURN OUT I NEED NEXT WEEK TO ARRIVE (but also no because it'll be one week less to my finals) can't wait for updates!!! Hope you have a great week 😘

Next week isn’t that far away! and same I feel you i have so many tests and finals and assignments that I feel like crying forever lolol thank you so much for reading my love!

@ayedemi said: i'm crying istg, i need more of IWSY, i'm in London with school next week and i will miss it bc they don't know for sure if we have wifi ): but i wanna say ILY byeee ♥︎

Ooooh I will also be in London next week! *shifty eyes* hehe but I hope you’ll enjoy IWSY if/when you get a chance to read it :D

Anonymous said: I know I just forgave you for playing with my heart but now I'm afraid I'm gonna have to take it back becaUSEWHYDIDUKILLJIMIN?!WHYDIDYOUKILLTHEMOSTPRECIOUSTHINGINMYLIFEHUH?!HEWASJUSTAYOUNGVAMIREANDYOUJUSTWERELIKETIMETORUINTHEFUNSORRYMATE?!IFONLYICOULDKEEPMYSTUPIDMOUTHSHUTANDNOWJIMINISDEAD!!!IMSUPPOSEDTOWRITEAPAPERTHATSDUE T O M O R R O W AFTERREADINGTHIS?!THISISTOOMUCHFUDGINGANGSTFORMYPOORFLUFFYHEART?!IHAVEMORETOSAYBUTIMRUNNINGOUTOFCHARACTERSSOILLENDWITHTHIS-IH8USOMUCHRIGHTNOW!HMPH- Vampnip anon

Question; where in the chapter did it say Jimin died *confused face*

Anonymous said: ... .... ..... ...... I Hate  You So Much Right Now HOW.COULD.YOU.DO.THAT.TO.ME Is it sad that I don't actually care about my character I'm just really sad about jimin 😭

no Jimin don’t dieeeee!

@ohheyitsebonyrose said: Omgg Sara!!!! That chapter I'm actually crying! T-T you're such an amazing writer! It's my 18th Birthday tomorrow (well for me; April 13th) and I go see Got7 next week I'm so excited!!!

Happy Birthday to you my love! I hope you have an amazing 18th birthday AND OMG YAY YOU’LL HAVE AN AMAZING TIME! I’m also seeing GOT7 again in May and June and I can’t wait sdfghjk they’re literally the only thing that is stopping me from drowning myself somewhere lol. Thank you so much for reading IWSY my dear, it means a lot to me :D

@sundaymorningblues14 said: I have never felt this amount of anxiety over a fan fiction. But I made it through, and even though my poor heart is beating way too fast right now, I am happy I didn't stop reading it.. Thanks Sara x

I am glad you didn’t stop reading ^^ because everything will turn out just fine!! Thank you so much my love, and I hope you have a wonderful week~

Anonymous said: DUDE THAT CHAPTER I'M ACTUALLY CRYING REAL TEARS RIGHT NOW THIS ISN'T A DRILL HOLY SHIT DUDE I CAN'T TAKE IT I JUST

This is not a drill - this is a real emergency

@im-that-chesire-jax said: OH MY FUCKING GOD IM IN TEARSSSSS

*hands you a tissue* because same

Anonymous said: THAT ENDING! NO! I AM ACTUALLY IN TEARS,, holy crap you're so good at writing i admire you! also! how many chapters are left?

Thank you so much my love! You’re so kind to me :D And I have no idea, I’m sorry!

Anonymous said: NO GOD PLEASE NO. YOONGI DID NOT DO THAT. THIS STORYLINE IS SO CRUEL.

The world is a cruel place my friend

@animeimmortal said: DO YOU MIND WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO KILL JIMIN AND LIKE WHAT WAS THAT ENDING. MY SON IS DYING RIGHT NOW WHAT HAVE YOU DONE LIKE WHAT IS THIS I Don't know what I was expecting tbh bUT IT WASNT THAT THou I was expecting a fight to break out and the detailed descriptions? Amazing I love reading them they make the whole thing seem so real you're so tale ted aNYwAY MY SON IS DYING THERE OMG WHYTYYYYY ❤❤❤

Where does it say Jimin died? :o hehe thank you for liking the detailed descriptions and i’m really happy it seemed real to you ^^ NO JIMIN DON’T DIEEEEE! Thank you so much dear ^^

@jeonjungkooksshi said: You're an amazing writer! IWSY IS AMAZINGGGGG and the latest chapter... ughhh too much for my weak heart! LOOKING FORWARD TO NEXT WEEK!! <3

*blushes* thank you so much my love c: that means so much to me!

@the-golden-jhope said: I WANNA FUCKING DIE YOU CANNOT END IWSY LIKE THAT IM CRYING OH MY GOD I CANT WAIT A WEEK

1. Don’t die pls - 2. I just did~ hehe THANK YOU for reading :D

Anonymous said: OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IWSY PT 26 WAS SO SPICY!!!!!!!!!!! DAMN UNNIE!!! fuck i hate cliff hangers but, in this case it's totally understandable. omo, my hearteu my hearteu. Unnie, do us all a favour, STOP MESSING WITH OUR BIAS LIST!!! lol, You deserve around of applause. Can't wait for Tuesdays!!!! hwaiting!!!!

Hot hot spicy! hehe thank you so much for reading the update and I’m glad it brought you pain/pleasure ^^ hehe

Anonymous said: BSKSKSNDND MUMSY IM ACTUALLY CRYING AT THIS IM SCREAMING WHY WOULD YOU OH GOD IM IN NEED OF SERIOUS COMFORT WHY WHY WHY IM SOBBING NDKDKKDEM I CANT EVEN BREATHE I'M CRYING IM NOT READY FOR NEXT WEEK IDKSKEND MUMSYYYYY WHYYYYYYYYY

*comforts you* shhh it’s okay~ it’ll be over soon~~ hehe thank you for reading it my love!!

@deangetoutofmyspleen said: oK i'm crying like a little bitch yet again bc of IWSY. the pain is highkey worth it though i'm in love with this story. if i owned a time machine i'd go to next week fr

it’s okay I cry like a little bitch every day~ it’s gr8 hehe ^^ thank you for being in love with iwsy ^^ i’m so happy that you’re enjoying the updates lovely!

@platinumbreak said:  Thank you, you made me lucky haha my exams went well. I hope yours will too. I talked about your writings to a friend and she has been reading it for 3hours straight, she is not even answering anymore haha Ps: This chapter is just amazing thank you for writing and making our life happier haha ×

I’m so happy i could give you a little bit of luck! and I’m glad to know that your friend has seemed to immerse herself in the story too :3 I hope she likes it! thank you very much for reading!

Anonymous said: I'm not even gonna begin to lie, there's actual tears in my eyes after ch26 like, fuck it has me so emotional I'm such a soft pillow I just want everything to turn out okay Jesus Christ I'm sitting nd crying why u gotta do this to me

trust me,I was crying when I wrote parts of that chapter ^^ hehe~ *hugs you* thank you so much for reading the update!

@killingalltheflowers said: Omg this chapter was too much. HOLY SHIT YOU KILLED JIMIN, MY LOVE. YOU MONSTER (I still love you) A-AND NOOO NOW THE READER IS GOING TO BE BOUND TO YOONGI. UGH I- I CANT. I'M SO UPSET ABOUT EVERYTHING. YOU FREAKIN GODESS OF FANFICS. T^T Also this chapter was gorgeously written.. T^T

Where does it say Jimin died?! lol ahhh I’m definitely not a goddess but thank you so much for reading and enjoying the chapter, it means so much to me :3

@oramleon said: sara i'm fucking crying right now what the HELL was that update??????????? WHYYYYYYY

I’M SORRY OKAY

@theninjachan said: "Yoongi smiled – baring his teeth and gums as if he found something to be terribly funny."  YOOO I THOUGHT OF YOONGI'S GUMMY SMILE IN THIS LINE AND CAN'T HELP BUT GIGGLE BUT HOLY FUCKING SHIT I AM TEARS RIGHT NOW THIS HAS BEEN YOUR MOST HEART WRENCHING CHAPTER YET. I NEED A MOMENT.

Yoongis gummy smile melts my heart every single time fuck-- TAKE YOUR MOMENT ITS OKAY I UNDERSTAND hehe but I hope you enjoyed it my love ^^

Anonymous said: sara you KNEW everyone was gonna be upset what do you mean "some scenes may be upsetting" i was balling my eyes out the entire time

Shit u rite~~ BUT I HAD TO WARN OKAY YOU CAN’T SAY I DIDN’T WARN YOU YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF

@moonlighthollow said: OMG NO NO NO WTF NO PLEASE OMG  OK I'm done..😐 I'm an emotional wreck😭 she can't just..... yoongi can't just... oh geez i don't even know what to say  AND JIMIN😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 Why u doin dis to me ? My poor heartㅠㅠ (i love your writing tho♥)

Shhhh it’s okay...shhhh now *hugs* eheh thank you so much for reading this chapter even if it was a little sad!

@doubletroublesince1994 said: OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU DID NOT OH LORD HELP ME BREATHE I DID NOT EXPECT THAT HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN BECAUSE HELL I DIDNT ANTICIPATE THIS IM SHOOK

I’m glad I could surprise you in the worst way c: hehe thank you for reading once again my love!

Anonymous said: Hi, how many chapters will IWSY have? 💕

I’ve answered this question a million times before and Im sorry but I have no idea! :D

@wearelivinglegacies said: I'm NOT OKAY OMG I'M SO CLOSE TO CRYING RN LIKE WHAT AHHHHH FIRST JIMIN AND NOW Y/N!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I'M SO ANGRY AND SAD AND THIS STORY IS SO AMAZING THANK YOU, BUT ALSO WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO MEEEE???????? I can't wait for the next part this story has me on the edge of my seat 😭❤

I apologise for any hurt I’ve caused hehe~ thank you so much for being on the edge of your seat, and thank you so much for reading too! :D

@noceurash said:I knew bad things would happen in this chapter but I'm so... gffhu DEAD INSIDE,, my poor sweet boy jimin (I have such a soft spot for this boy why would you hurt me like this ;^;)) and tae too aaah my heart is breaking. Not to mention bby namjoon not wanting to hurt anyone im crying inside. You've hurt my soul this chapter. It's so good ((hurting me but good)). I hope you have a lovely day~~ I love you!!! <3

All the soul and heart hurties :c hehe i hope you’ll have a lovely day and I love you too! thank you so much for reading the new chapter sweetie!

@wastedtaehyung said: WHAT THE FLIPPJNG FUCK DOFMDCKMS KWEKSLXKQOS (Y/N) AND JIMIN WHAT WOFMWKDK APLDLQD NOW I HAVE TO WAIT NEXT WEEK WIFNSKDMSKSKWMS FUCKFKCMSKLAXMLWFKLW

you’re welcome :3

Anonymous said: nOOOO SARA NOT JIMINNN T_T. i expected it but you still got mehhh feeeeeels. your stories are just so emotional and thats exactly whats so great about them ;-;. ive always thought about how these ideas pop up in your mind. :3

:3 i’m so happy that you find it emotional to read, because i find it emotional to write! as for ideas, they just come to me randomly? dreams, through lyrics and poetry I write, i don’t really know^^ thank you so much for reading dear :D

@bekzzz said: Holy Shit. Just.... holy shit. Tuesday can't come fast enough!

hehe thank you so much my love!

Anonymous said: straight up forgot that iwsy was coming out today 😭. I'm moving houses so everything is super stressful but i read the chapter and suddenly I am at peace. -tall anon

i hope moving house goes quickly for you! stress is no good~ thank you so much for reading the new chapter tall anon! ^^

@m1n-yoong1 said: The amount of times I've gasped and screamed reading IWSY pt 26 is unreal, your writing always amazes me and I look forward to the next chapter 🙌🏼🙌🏼💖💖

awh thank you, that was so sweet and you made me smile ^^ thank you so much for reading the new chapter love!

Anonymous said: damn sara these cliffhangers tho 👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻

u know me xox

Anonymous said: I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you 😡

It’s okay. I hate myself too.

Anonymous said: There was a part where you mention how she was essentially able to give life and it was in italics so she can bring Jimin back to life, right? Also if Jungkook marked her in some vampy way, does that mean that Yoongi's plan won't work? Please say yes! 🙏 Joon is gonna be okay too, right? I don't like death. Death is sad. I don't like being sad.

When Jungkook said he marked her, it was sexual innuendo as in - he has already gotten her pregnant ^^ hehe I hope everything turns out well in the end c: ~ thank you so much for reading!

Anonymous said: I'd like to assume that Yoongi can still be redeemed, because o love each and every one of them. That seems a bit too unrealistic, doesn't it though. 😔

We’ll just have to see what happens! But just remember that it’s not real haha Yoongi’s image is just being used for a character I created! It doesn’t depict him in any way ^^

@thenotsogrownupeldest said: I was screaming reading the ending of IWSY latest chapter! I even wish I was some kind of supernatural being that can intervene that heartbreaking scene and save both jimin and y/n.. you my friend, are a terrific writer. I love you but I slightly hate you right now for the ending. I need a moment to calm my non-vampiric soul from this intense scene.

Jump into the story and save everyone! hehe ^^ thank you so much and I love you too (even tho you slightly hate me) c: i’m glad you liked? the update!

Anonymous said: HOW COULD YOU

WHAT DID I DO

@wanda-rog said: I'm speechless...I really wasn't expecting that...Jimin better be okay next week! You're so good at leaving us all on the edge! I bit all my nails reading that chapter and now I can only hope for Jimin to survive and WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE BABY AND IS NAMJOON OKAY AND WHAT WILL HAPPEN OVER ALL, angst aside that was a really cool chapter I'm seriously looking forward to next one, thanks for always updating on time and lengthy chapters too, you go Sara xx

I hope he’ll be okay too! hehe all the questions, hopefully you’ll get answers soon c: thank you so much for enjoying it and reading the new chapter dear, it means a lot to me ^^

@coppertopging said: Omg i totally forgot it was tuesday until i saw your update! This chapter had soooo much going on!! I have so many questions, but got so many answers, but I can't help but want... no... NEED more of this story! Is it terrible that i just never want it to end?!

trust me, al the days have merged into one for me. I have 4 assignments due and numerous exams to have and I’m losing my grip on reality lolol please kill me :( thank you so much for reading as always dear, it means the world to me.

Anonymous said: Holly Tony Molly SARA DA FEELS ARE SO STRONG stop making me cry why did u kill Cristian Chim Chim :/// I just cant wait for next week arggggh *sobs* I freaking love how all of this is so angsty 💞 --wifey anon

hello wifey anon! Where does it say I killed Jimin? ;o thank you so much for reading my love!

Anonymous said: [[SCREAMING]]

*whispers*

Anonymous said: [Error 404] u cant kill chimchim u just cant why ?!😞😞

Where does it say I killed Jimin? ;o

@jynxy24 said: What. The. Hell. Shit feelings. What are feelings anyway? Do feelings even exist? WHY THE HECK YOU GOTTA DO THAT SARA WHY?! I'm happy that Namjoon is good. WE WERE CORRECT!! And damn, badass reader omg. I MISS BADASS VAMPIRE MOM!! Also, if Yoongi frickin doesn't turn good at the end, Istg Sara. Anyways! Thanks for the greatttttt chapter! Stay awesome :3

FEELINGS DONT EXIST :D hehe thank you so much for reading the new chapter ^^ i’m really happy you enjoyed it Jynxy :D

@shineeshawol204 said: So I just read chap 26 of I Won't Stop You, first of all, bitch - I mean that in the nicest way possible - second of all, your writing style is phenomenal! During the fight scene I was letting out audible gasps as the events were unfolding and I feel like I am actually watching it. There's zero gaps in your writing, I am left without questions (other than why bis, ugh the pain I feels) as to what's happening and just ugh, wonderful. Also my friend i sent it to is only on pt.3 and I need someone

Ahh thank you so much I’m so glad you enjoyed the fight scene! I had such a fun time writing it tbh lol to hear you say that there’s no gaps in my writing, it’s really a massive compliment to me. it’s always something i’ve been afraid of happening so thank you so much! thank you a million times ^^

@cheeto-puff-gem said: what the FUCK WHY THIS WHY T H I S

I DON’T KNOW WHAT

Anonymous said: OH SHIT Y/N IS GOING TO BECOME A VAMPIRE (stares intensely at April 18th on the calendar AKA NEXT TUESDAY)

but what if SHE DIES

Anonymous said: ONCE AGAIN YOU GOT ME ALL THE WAY FUCKED. ONE JIMIN NOT DEAD. IF HE DIE IMA LOSE MY SHIT AND TWO Y/N NOT GONNA BE YOONGI'S SLAVE CUZ SHE BELONGS TO JUNGKOOK. it's midnight and I'm laying in the bed crying RN cuz like why? Why you do these things? 😢😢😢 My soul is hurt. I feel as though the world needs to end because Lil mochi is dying and WHAT ABOUT THE FETUS? Baby fetus me is in there like wtf mom calm ya tits and where's my dad? You keep hurting me w/ cliffhangers but I love u 💜~LilKookieAno (cont.) P.S. on a real note I'm dead ass when I say the baby should be named after me. 💜 ~LilKookieAnon

Don’t worry baby fetus i’m sure you’ll be okay! hehe hopfully everything will work out okay in the end :D i love you too sweetcakes~ thank you so much for reading part 26! i hope you enjoyed it even though it was an emotional one :3

@blryface said: I'm honestly so shook at part 26. Like, oh my god I'm speechless. You're such an amazing writer and I anticipate every Tuesday when you update! I can't wait to see how things turn out but DAMN YOU GOT ME FUCKED UP

ahhh thank you so much honestly ^^ i’m so happy you liked it and that you look forward to new updates my love! and i’m sorry if i got you all fucked up hehe

Anonymous said: NO NO NO NO SARA WTHEFUCKWHY TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW IM GONNA AAAAAAA

I called you an ambulance!!

@sunnyoongi2 said: I JUST FINISHED THE NEW CHAPTER OF IWSY AND IM SO HURT I LOVE IT SO MUCH IM CRYING JIMIN!!! NOOO

hehehe thank you so much for reading!

Anonymous said: HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK JIMIN OH MY GOD IM CRYING BUT ALSO NAMJOON AND IM SO TIRED IT'S TOO LATE ON A SCHOOL NIGHT TO BE THIS EMOTIONALLY DISTRAUGHT OH MY GOD

GO TO BED YOU NAUGHTY CHILD!

Anonymous said: NUH UH HONEY. That is all. (In response to IWSY Part 26)

UH HUH HONEY YES MM

Anonymous said: OH MY GODDDD. IWSY CHAP 26 GOT ME SCREAMINGGGG!!! THANK YOU FOR THE UPDATE 💜💜💜

AHH YOU’RE WELCOME AND THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING!

Anonymous said: WAIT WHAT

*waits*

Anonymous said: Yeah just slap me right into the feels take my heart will ure at it whats the point of living if softie Jimin is dead 😩

Where does it say Jimin died?!

Anonymous said: What is this pain that I feel in my chest?

Life

Anonymous said: my poor hearteu

*comforts you*

@lostheretics said: oMg iM HAVING A HEART ATTACK WTF YOONGI???????????? I NEED HELP IWSY IS KILLIN ME

hehe~ you’re welcome for the heart attack! :3

@koreaisanaddiction said: SARA NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! not thatt!!!!! im so sad!!!!!!!(cont.) I THINK I KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT!!! I HAVE THEORIES!!!

*sneaky laughs* I guess you’ll just have to wait to see if your theories are correct! ^^ thank you for reading lovely :D

Anonymous said: you ripped my poor soul in half with iwsy why, why must you bring pain and do this :(   poor jimin my heart

I apologise for all the pain :( but I hope you’re still enjoying the story my love!

Anonymous said: I just cannot with chapter 26, this feeling is so indescribable, no words can explain the pain when I read the last few paragraphs, OMG NO PLEASE DONT TAKE HER AWAY FROM JUNGKOOK PLEASEEEE!!!! ಥ╭╮ಥ

Hopefully everything will be okay!! Thank you so much for reading my love ^^

Anonymous said: oh my gosh Sara chapter 26 was so saddening but so good!!! JIMINNNNNN please tell me a miracle will happen and he won't die!!! and let's hope the mark made by jungkook makes a difference and it is strong enough to overcome Yoongi's... I don't want evil yoongi to become my master T.T btw I've written in a couple of times as anon, but how about I label myself as bunnykookie96 from now onwards :D yes, I'm a 96-liner. may I ask what's your age too? ^^

The reference jungkook made to a ‘mark’ was a sexual innuendo because he got her pregnant haha ^^ and yay bunnykookie96! I am also a 96 liner~ my birthday is 12th of January!! :D

Anonymous said: IDC ABT Y/N RN WILL JIMIN MAKE IT AKSKSKKSKK PLEASE OH MY GOD I STILL NEED TO SEE THAT VMIN SIDE STORY

I PRAY THAT ALL YOUR WISHES COME TRUE GODBLESS

Anonymous said: im fucking having theories in my head right now loool but i cant put it into words i will wait for the next chapter to see if im right hoho and btw is this ending? :( i feel like im reading a book holy shit i dont want it to end :((

I can’t wait to see if your theories will come true!! And nope, not yet. There’s still a bit to go~ But I’m glad that you’re not getting bored of it! I was afraid that people might get bored of it because of the length of the series haha :( thank you so much for reading!

Anonymous said: HOW COULD YOU DO THAT JIMIN WHHHHHYYYY the tears currently streaming down my face could create a lake for him to relax in LIKE WHHHYYY DID U DO THIS TO ME WHY COULDNT YOU JUST TAKE ME INSTEAD he was so young so bright so precious just full of love I'm so sad WHY JIMIN!!! New drinking game!! Drink an entire bottle of wine everytime you cried during this chapter ☹️

Jimin you should have stayed out of it!! Take him? Where did he go? Who said he’s dead? ;o hehe~ thank you so much for reading the chapter my love ^^

Anonymous said: I just looked at a picture of Min Yoongi the love of my life and I? Got mad at him?? Like??? You asshole???? Why couldn't you just stay in the basement of your god damn mansion and let everyone live happily????? Like damn I had to remind myself that I'm not dating a vampire and Jimin didn't actually get stabbed and that I need to stop reading outside because I look crazy crying on a park bench THANKS SO MUCH SARA YOU REALLY STABBED ME IN THE HEART THERE

Awwwwh no! Don’t be like that~ that’s not how Yoongi is - I’m merely just using his image to fit a character that I made! Yoongi is a sweet person for sure :D hehe i’m sorry if I made you cry :( but i hope you enjoed the chapter nonetheless ^^ thank you so much!

Anonymous said: Omg ch 26 was brilliant! All I can think about is what's going to happen to y/n's unborn baby ahhhhhhh >.< my heart goes out to jungkookie, his biggest fear became true. I really loved this chapter and the loved the way you conveyed namjoon's struggles! On another not,I really admire you for updating on time! Thank youuuuu for writing an amazing story that contrary keeps us on our toes. I love it and hate it at the same time lol.

Thank you so much my love! that really means so much to me, you’re so, so sweet thank you so much *hugs* I really hope you’ll enjoy the rest of the story and I’m glad you liked this chapter ^^

@dont-hyuck said: Fuck I'm trying so hard not to ugly sob after this chapter ooooohhhhhh someone help ease my aching heart 😭😭😭😭💔💔 I hope everything ends up right at the end I am so attached to this story it is one of the most wonderful things I have ever read and I mean that with my entire being. Please don't ever stop writing I love you so much 😭😭😭😭💖💖💖💖💖💖

I was ugly sobbing while I was writing it haha :( I hope everything ends up all alright too! awwh thank you so much my love, you have no idea how much your words mean to me! I don’t ever plan on stopping so you don’t have to worry :3 thank you and I love you too my dear!!

[captain-annoyingbouquetpupp-blog]

hello how are u?

Idon’t know what it’s like to watch someone die suddenly. I can only speak to watching them die slowly. Except it isn’t slowly. It is something else. Time shatters. Skies swallow them. Multiple skies. There is a soundtrack. There is a light show. Different for every death and every loved one left behind. And then there is just you. A miniature version of you that is quietly on fire. You are Polly Pocket. You are Polly Pocket standing in the middle of a tiny, hollow forest fire. This should horrify and anger you, Polly. You live in Death’s pocket. There’s a bed, a kitchenette, a bathroom and a forest fire. It all matches. It’s all bright pink because you are a girl. It’s blue if you’re a boy. Which isn’t fair. None of it is fair. I’m sorry Peter Pocket, I wish we could change colors. I’m sorry Peter, you think you can scream but you can’t. You can’t even talk really. So the fire eats you, like it eats me. It eats me like the cancer ate the bodies of my loved ones. Slowly and then enough. Enough.

Complicated grief “they” call it. “They” equals, “Who the fuck are you?”

Ilove making my therapist laugh. Oops.

She thinks I deserve physical contact. “Hey, leave the jokes to me, Lady!” I zing, but it’s very charming, very charm-zing, “Have you ever read Plotinus?”

Before she can answer, time is up. Okay, I’ll just tuck this therapy receipt into my dead dad’s fanny-pack that I am currently wearing and be on my way.

I only read like a page of Plotinus’ stuff but get this, he was a philosopher who was ashamed of having a body. And right now that just feels so right. Should I date him? The answer is nope. Plotinus was ashamed of having a body because he thought his spirit was too amazing to be contained in a body. I shouldn’t date him because if we were at the food court in the Topanga Mall in 2003 and that John Mayer “Bigger Than My Body” song started playing, he’d be like, “This is me! This is ME!” and I would be mortified in front of the staff and everyone in line at Sbarro. Again. Once is enough, Plotinus. Sbarro me the pain, I’ve Sbarro’d enough.

Plotinus, you and I share the same shame but we are so different. You are like John Mayer and I am not a dick.

I’ve had body shame. Of course I have. As a teenager I was awful to my body. I starved it and binged it and let idiot boys violate it. Even when I got a little better, I still complained about my hot bod for all of my twenties. But I have stumbled upon a new kind of body shame. A deeper shame. I’m ashamed of having a body because it ends. It’s so embarrassing. Your body will end. Yours and mine. I saw it happen to someone I loved so much. Twice. In two years. Back to back. I saw my dad’s body end. I watched it end. Yellow, gaunt, swollen, then gone. Wrapped in a white shroud, carried down my sister’s steps, his feet sticking out of the sheet on the stretcher. They bumped his head on the gate. My sister and I saw it happen. We wanted to tell him that they bumped his head on the gate, but there we were, stuck in the very first moment of never being able to tell him anything.

His body ended at sixty-two. Samantha’s body ended at thirty-seven. My friend. She was beautiful. Striking. She had bones and breasts and liters of blood and then like an epic and shitty magic trick, all of those things disappeared. I watched cancer suck her teeth and then drown her. I watched cancer eat my father’s eyes. I heard him breathe a few hundred cancerous, morphine death sighs and then poof, gone. Watch your head on the gate, Dad. Why didn’t you say, “Ow”? Why didn’t you move your head? Why didn’t you lift your head up and say, “Hey watch the gate, will ya fellas?” to the funeral parlor guys? Oh. Oh. Right.

My dad died in March of 2015. Samantha even helped me grieve. She had lost her father at age fifteen. She was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer in November of 2015. She never smoked. She ran half-marathons. She almost didn’t tell me when she was diagnosed, to protect me from more cancer. I’m lucky she told me because hearts are not really for protecting, they are for getting obliterated. She died October of 2016. But timelines don’t even matter. Grief is like time-travel, except it sucks. Think Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure meets The Diary of Anne Frank. You visit the dead where the drinks have little umbrellas but no taste. You meet them in the Bermuda Triangle — three separate, swirling worlds — their illness, their death, and their life before those two inexcusable mistakes.

Being died on isn’t easy. It’s much worse to be very ill and then die. Duh. I know they had to do the impossible thing. They had to suffer beyond words and squeeze in their last laughs and cast their eternal love spells and sum up their life experience or not sum it up at all and then they had to vanish. But I had to watch, helpless. I have specifics if you want them. I have hundreds of specifics if you want them. They live in me. In my plastic stomach. My formica head. My heart that is bloated with pain. I had to watch them die, slowly. Until it was sudden. Until it was final. And now I just have to be here. I mean I’m lucky to be here but goddamn.

The amount of grief that’s coursed through my body is too much. Death. Divorce. Death. Death. If you acquire too many losses in a short period of time, are you just a loser now? Probably yeah. I don’t have cancer but cancer has gutted me and made me pretty much feral and deranged. Very subtly. Thanks, cancer, you’re a shitbag. For two years cancer has made me say I’m fine because I’m not the one with cancer. Also, in a total dick reverse move, cancer-grief has even made me accidentally torture a cancer patient/survivor with my suffocating, desperate love. The subtext of all of my mistakes: PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME PLEASE DON’T DIE. Cool! Way to go, Me! Way to ADD some bullshit to a cancer patient’s plate.

Speaking of plates, did you know grief can destroy many parts of you? Did you know that the complications of grief can be delayed? That when a major death occurs, you are often just in shock for the first year? So when everyone forgets about your loss, that’s when it starts to pummel you the hardest? My appetite and digestion are fucked. It’s exhausting. My insides aren’t working right. My insides seize up. Like they used to do when my dad would burst into my room yelling at me. I’d try to fit under my bed. I’d try to get small. Now I can. Now that I am Polly Pocket. When you are Polly Pocket you can disappear a little. You can move the furniture around in Death’s pocket. You can gaze out at the pink flames as you sip your pink lava tea. People will let you disappear if you fight for that. They’re busy. Or more loyal to your ex. Or not thinking about you. Or if they do, if they reach out, you should probably stay home and tend to this fire, Polly.

An unfortunate side effect of trying to become invisible is that you don’t become invisible. It’s very troubling. You can disappear but people can still see you. And boy do they see you. When your body has changed significantly, people often talk about it to your face. I lost 20 pounds from grief. Just grief. No cool healthy diet/exercise thing. Loss of appetite. Trauma-related nausea. Severe constipation with a side of bleeding asshole. HOT. I’m 5 foot 2 inches. I was 128 pounds, now I’m 108 pounds. People notice.

People love it! “Divorce looks great on you.” “You’re in such great shape!” “What are you doing, you look amazing.” “You’re a babe now.” “So good for on-camera work.”

People hate it! “Don’t lose any more weight, you’re too thin.” “Oh my god, I didn’t even recognize you.” “You’re so tiny.” “You look like a young Willem Dafoe.” (Okay, I added the last one.)

I have never felt more exposed. More embarrassed. More at a loss for words. I have to wear my trauma in public. I have to take it with me on stage to my comedy shows. I had to take it to my grandma’s funeral, my dad’s mom. The funeral he skipped because he was too dead to attend. He died March 12th, 2015, she died on September 11th, 2016 (hilarious move to piggy-back onto a national tragedy, Grandma.). But timelines don’t even matter. Think Back to the Future meets Nell meets Weekend At Bernie’s.

[benwhlshaws]

ok so this is just a rambly overview over what has happened (sam wise) over the seasons so its maybe a little bit easier when keep blabbing @ u abt him 😂

i will try not to go on tangents ehhh 😬😬

sorry for the salty tone in advance

s1: ok sam is at college & lives with jess, dean comes to him after they havent seen each other in 2/3/4 years and says they gotta find john bc he didnt come home from a hunting trip, sam reluctantly says yes to one case but only if theyll be back in time for his law school interview (☹️ oh child), they do the case, sam comes home to jess burning on the ceiling like his mum, and him & dean hit the road to Find Dad and Kill The Demon.

during all this sam starts to get visions of bad things happening in the future and everyones Concerned, they eventually find dad but fail to kill the demon and dean gets fatally injured.

s2: john makes a deal with azazel (the demon that killed mary and jess) to save dean and Dies (& gets sent to hell), sam and dean are Sad (this is tangent worthy but i Won’t right now)

note worthy middle season things are that sam gets possessed by a demon that makes him do horrible stuff in one ep and in another the first girl he has sex with after jess turns out to be a werewolf and he has to shoot her (Fun!), oh and before john died he told dean he might have to kill sam if he starts going rogue (bc john knows abt sam’s mysterious gifts), dean eventually tells sam abt it and sam is Horrified obvs, season ends with azazel kidnapping sam and other kids with Gifts and sam finds out he was fed demon blood as a baby, sam gets killed and dies in deans arms, dean makes a crossroads deal to bring him back and gets one year of life left

oh and they open hells gates and john gets out and is just Normal Dead (yay) but also lots of dark stuff (not yay)

s3: sam is Upset and tries to find a way to get dean out of the deal, katie cassidy’s Ruby appears and says she can help, mid season stuff notable mention for an ep in which the trickster makes sam watch dean die every day for abt 100 days and then lets sam live 6 months without him just for Fun (dean doesnt remember any of this but sam does), anyway they fail at saving dean and sam has to watch him get ripped apart by hellhounds

s4: i mean u watched this but still 😂, dean crawls out of his grave, cas gets introduced, sam has been hanging out with ruby and starts drinking her demon blood bc it gives him the power to exorcise and kill demons without harming their vessel, also the demon lilith (she sent dean to hell so sam has a revenge boner for her too lbr) wants to start the apocalypse by breaking 66 seals and sam has the power to kill her (hot powerful babe that he is 🔥😏), the angels manipulate the living hell out of Everyone and LOTS OF FIGHTING HAPPENS. also dean finds out he broke the first seal when he started torturing in hell (everyone loves forgetting that but Ok) anyway

when dean finds out sam is addicted to demon blood, him and bobby lock him in the panic room without food or water or comforting words but :-))) (i’m not mad at all). then CASTIEL (another guilty party maybe?? HMMM??) lets sam out so he can find ruby and go kill lilith, which he does and ends up breaking the final seal and frees lucifer (which no one knew would happen except for the angels and ruby & dean was abt to do the same thing literally minutes before he found out the truth LOL)

this season is so crazy tangent worthy but i’ll save it for the Actual Post

s5: sams guilt and self hatred is HIIIIIGH and dean does nothing to help that and the rest of the world loves reminding him hes Evil incarnate as well :-) but ok,

dean finds out hes michael’s vessel and sam finds out hes lucifer’s, lots of archangel and other mid season stuff happens, season ends with sam saying yes to lucifer so he can jump into the pit to hell and trap him in there with him, therefore saving the world and all of humanity bc he is a hero thanks for listening to my Ted Talk

s6: dean has been living with lisa and her son ben for a year, it turns out sam is alive but Different, oh damn! he’s soulless! (and sassy sexy Fun 😎) and his (pure gentle) soul is still in hell with lucifer (💔😭)

dean and cas get his soul back but its so damaged (😔) that putting it back into sam would kill him so they ask death to build a wall between the two (no idea how this all rlly works its been a while since i watched this), soul is back in sam, forgot how the season ends but not that important anyway

s7: sam’s soul hell wall thing breaks and he’s dying and ill and sick and sad and everythings awful and he has hallucinations of lucifer telling him insidious horrible stuff and making him doubt reality and dean and everything and its very upsetting to me thanks,

umm forgot how the season REALLY ends but basically sam sees dean die (dean is actually in purgatory BUT SAM DOESNT KNOW THAT)

s8: my memories are hazy at best but i remember the Basic stuff,

its one year later and dean is out of purgatory and somehow him and sam find each other, sam has been living off the grid and found a gf and a dog after grieving dean, dean finds this to be the most heinous of crimes and Hates sam for it (bc u didnt look for me sam!!! and u had a cushy life while i was fighting for mine in purgatory!!! HOW DARE YOU BE HAPPY WITHOUT ME) and the guilt tripping is outta control this season woooohoooo,

anyway idr why but one of them has to take on The Trials (bc it does smth important for them i dont remember why lmao) and sam wants to do them,

stuff happens and they make sam sick and weak and Sad but they also purify his blood so hes desperate for them bc he’s felt awful and unclean all his life and its Upsetting. season ends with the final trial aka The Ultimate Sacrifice which means death and sam’s like yes! death! here for it 100%! and dean’s like no! why? and sam’s like lol i’m horrible and useless and a liability and all i do is let u down and i wanna die! :-)

dean convinces him not to (in a crap way imho BUT)

s9: sams fatally ill and just. wants. to dieeee and gadreel (an arch?angel) tells dean that he could possibly heal sam if he lets him possess sam and Dean Says ‘sam would rather die than ever let anything possess him again’ aaaand then says yes to gadreel :-)

and sam’s alright but has no clue how it happened and keeps losing time and is fucked up over it and dean lies to him and says everythings A Okay

oh and gadreel kills kevin with sam’s body and sam has nightmares abt it

this somehow resolves itself (not in a satisfying way for me of course but when do things ever) but i dont rlly have the deets for the rest of the season

s10-s12: honestly i basically dont know much, somehow dean has the so called mark of cain on his arm which makes him Awful and Horrible and he says things to sam that are Unbelievable and make me Furious

also at some point dean turns into a literal demon, not for super long though i think

sam is a strong kind and beautiful bean during all of this

mary is there somewhere too somehow and lucifer stuff and the list goes on but you know SHRUG

s13: lucifer’s baby is born! a nephilim! idk how it works age wise but hes in the body of a cute young man called jack and hes a cinnamon roll and sam treats him so fatherly and gently and with so much compassion and it makes me Feel and they have an adorable gorgeous relationship! also dean is a giant Dickwad to jack :-) fun!

oh omg lucifer gets killed in the finale and i fucking hope its final and forever bc I AM OVER IT!!!!

thats the VERY basic stuff and i apologise that its so long... im sorry ur indulging me how do u cope

also i love u and the only person cuter than sam is You 🤗💘💖💕💓

[paradoxnbstuff]

okay so i need to talk about this for a minute

because usually i can find some shit about this on youtube or a transition blog somewhere but i cant for some reason this time? and its one of those difficult things to think about that I’ve been putting off for like years. so. anyways. top surgery stuff.

so first of all I have this habit of mine that’s taken a while and lot of shit to notice. it was probably a left over from growing up with my abusive dad and trying to survive that. but basically I’m very good at putting something aside in my head and so thoroughly convincing myself it’s not something that’s bugging me (subconsciously) that when it comes time to actually think about it I legitimately cannot tell how I feel about it. I’m talking about sitting and thinking about it for hours, plus research, and actively taking stock of my reactions as they happen to try to just. logically deduce what’s actually going on in my brain based on physical symptoms of emotional reactions I can’t actually feel. and obviously anyone can see how that would be incredibly useful in a situation like my parents where I had no choice in the matter for 18 years, and i could either constantly wallow in misery and agony and hurt and stress and confusion and terror at just living in my house 24/7, or i could section it off. and create like. a new baseline for myself. ex my baseline became that state and then went up or down based on negative or ‘positive’ things that happened from that baseline. looking at it objectively it was all obviously still horrible and stressful and traumatizing but i wouldn’t have been able to get through it if I was consciously aware of that the whole time. So that’s where that developed.

But weird backstory aside this has carried over to certain things in my life on my own since I moved out too. It’s why it took me so long to figure out gender shit and why I still haven’t figured out my sexuality even though I don’t lack the vocabulary or even really experience to. it’s affected my relationships with people, but I’ve been practically religious about trying to make sure I identify it when it happens and dedicating a lot of time and thought to unraveling whatever’s going on and stopping it, because fuck that I refuse to let it mess with the people I care about. There’s certain markers but it’s not like most things where you experience negative emotions and there’s a natural pathway from point a to point b. the markers are me having to stop and look at the past few months or longer and pick out patterns of times when i acted illogically in similar way, and cross ref it to see if it came with a feeling of abstractness where i couldn’t identify what emotions i was feeling. but like. its like trying to identify nothing. anger or happiness or w/e is easy like hey im feeling that but trying to notice when you’re feeling nothing or something unquantifiable? much fucking harder. and the trigger for me to start wondering if something is going on is when it starts to impact my quality of life negatively in some way. so. a really fucking stupidly difficult logical approach to untangle some very complicated emotions. which is sadly necessary.

so that’s the method I use to realize when this is happening. hasn’t really gotten any easier but i can do it i guess. and this is what’s happening now with me and top surgery? it happened with the decision to start testosterone, (’but im happy with how i look and sound!’ god no ur not u fucking disaster ur brain just didn’t want you to be miserable 24/7 and tricked you into thinking u were) and i think it’s the same thing with this. but i don’t. know??? for sure???? so I’m having to figure out this incredibly difficult and emotional decision with only purely factual patterns to go on and my emotions, which im not sure are fake or not, plaguing me every step of the way. so im just gonna fucking write em down and hope it helps.

fact 1: i never wear a bra. ever. it’s always either a binder or binder-adjacent like a sports bra. it’s been like that for 3 ish years now and it’s not stopping any time soon. i’m violently uncomfortable wearing a bra. 

fact 2: i dont like touching my chest or nipples. (tmi ish warning w/e) when I’m having sexual relations with another person im again, violently uncomfortable with the other person touching my chest. i will repeatedly redirect or say no if they start to with absolutely no doubt about it.

fact 3: i don’t like wearing tight clothing if i can’t bind. when I go to the gym and work out I wear a sports bra and wearing tshirts that show that fuckin. again feel nearly ill.

fact 4: i don’t mind seeing my chest in the mirror? like. I have/had a lot of dysphoria about my body, specifically my hips and the kinda hourglass dip in between ribs and hips and the way e gives fat distribution around the upper hips around the waist and thighs and butt. that’s mostly gone now due to a combination of T and working out, but I still don’t mind seeing my chest in the mirror. that’s possibly because I’m literally like 3/4 of an A cup at max but. yknow. this is also one of those things that is COMPLETELY based on feelings. and it feels suspiciously like when I’m trying to gauge my reaction and get ‘yeah I feel neutral about this actually’ but is really just very skillful repression. and I can’t tell. so. that’s great. it is a subjective fact, as opposed to the previous 3. 

fact 5: if i stretch my arms up it looks like i have a flat chest (bc i i have like no boobs to begin with) and the reaction I get to that is a definite. reaction. it’s an adrenaline based one. but another issue i’m working on is i can’t tell the difference between happy excited adrenaline and panic adrenaline and therefore when i feel happy excited about something i start fear panicking instead and it sucks but yknow. so I get an adrenaline thrill. that I can’t identify as fear or excitement. so that’s. there? fuck

fact 6: i’m not male. I figured that out a long time ago but it’s become important again recently that I am n o t a trans man. I’m solidly nonbinary. T was and is the right decision for me. So is building muscle. So is my decision now to grow out my hair again. So is my clothing that is decidedly not masculine fairly often and my makeup (that can be either to help with the masc or just to make me feel hot, or feminine sometimes). But this is something that’s....like. It would make me look a lot more masculine. like a lot. like it would be looking in the mirror and seeing that (without the big scars you see a lot underneath, i wouldn’t have that) and I don’t know if that’s something I want. but at the same time, that’s what I want to look like in clothes. I don’t fucking know.

fact 7: i know there’s probably some underlying fear in there of like societally ingrained disgust for non-cis bodies. and I know for a fact I’m attractive as a feminine person. and doing this means that I’m committing myself to a permanent non-cis state. I’m in no way saying there’s anything actually wrong with that, I’m saying that I know there’s things in the way I’ve been raised that inherently shy away from that still. It’s not something I want and it’s something I have to deal with but it probably is playing a part in my fear in this.

fact 8: currently, my main reason for tentatively starting the application process is my health. I love being active and healthy and exercising and I know that binding long term hurts your ribs and lungs, and I also know that I’m not going to stop binding any time soon if I don’t have top surgery. And getting it just for health reasons is a perfectly valid reason to do it. And if I am actually neutral about my chest and not just tricking myself? I’m totally happy with this being the deciding factor.  

anyways. yeah. the problem with dismantling a mental block you’ve set up for yourself is it involves actively unlocking self hatred and pain that you can’t put back in the box once you’ve opened it until it’s dealt with. so there isn’t a ton of incentive to. ngl it didn’t happen with testosterone fully until after I’d been on it for a few months and realized how fucking desperately I needed this to be happening. but I don’t think that’s how I want it to go with top surgery. I want to know before I go through with it what I’m feeling and what I want. and it is. VERY fucking difficult. god. yeah. anyways. that’s where I’m at. thanks for coming to my ted talk.