#AND IM NOT EVEN GONNA BE AT HOME FOR MOST OF TODAY
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Guess who’s at another dentist thing!!!!!!!$&!’jnnb
#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#AND I HAVE TO GO BACK TO THAT FUVKING OFFIVE THING TO GET MY WIRES BACK ON#YK#THE PLACE WHERE THERE WAS A GUY#WHO F O L L O W E D M E I N#I AM WORRIED!!!!!!#HE MOST LIKELY WONT BE THERE BUT WHOBJNOWS!!!!!! I SURE AS SHIT DONT#IM TIRED OF GETTING UP EARLY (for me) AND TASTING DENTIST EQUPMENT AND HAVE SHIT IN MY MOUTH#I DONT LIKE ITTTTT#WHYY DO I HAVE TEETH ON THE ROOF OF MY MOUTH WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY#UDGAKEGROFGRNENAKEVDOD#I HAVE LIKE. TODAY AND TOMORROW TO FINISH AT LEAST THE FIRST TWO THINGS FOR THE ART WEEK#AND IM NOT EVEN GONNA BE AT HOME FOR MOST OF TODAY#FUCK
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i miss her…
#cant believe i forgot about her till the photobook q&a im so sorry witch mona~~~~~~~#press f for honeypre atelier gachas it was gone too soon™️#(currently e x t r e m e l y worried and stressed for tomorrow like never before b u t i have to appear like im fine sobs save me monachann)#(can i go on a stress-prompted tangent here about something inane? no? toooo bad im gonna go off anyway~~~~)#ok so. like. since witch mona is the image i have up ‘ere and since it’s still 七月… today’s tangent will be on irl spooky stories!!#s o. presenting a decently repressed memory from my childhood that resurfaced while i was hibernating at home:#anyways. well. thoughts about the afterlife can vary from person to person yes? there’s no one true correct belief after all#but the one question that unites us all is probably the one and only ‘are ghosts real?’#and well. for personal reasons i think so. i mean i’ve seen this one dude i hate get possessed a couple of times so welp. cant deny it ig.#wild story about that actually. back in the day my family’s finances were allegedly doing so badly that [dude i hate] had to pick up#a *c e r t a i n* side hustle for extra cash. that side hustle? literal grave digging at the cemetary. at night no less#and *ofc* he wasn’t respectful about it in the least so ofc some spirits followed him home. yay. free roommates.#one(?) of them even took residence in my room at the time and im 80% sure they ate my history textbook :( much sads#anyways well once that guy had too much to drink (which was rather often tbh) he’d get possessed. fun!#the only possession i ever saw was the n-rarity angry ghost who’d just huff and puff in silence with unfocused eyes most of the time#he’d occasionally put on a leather jacket too. but that was like a r-rarity event that didn’t happen that often#my mother had the chance to also witness the mosquito (who tried to barge into my room for fresh blood) and the 姑娘 (self-explanatory)#which is kinda unfair tbh. i wanted to see the ur-rarity ones too :( mostly bc it’d be funny to see a guy i hate act ooc (impure intentions)#oh right. how did we get the dude out of his possession? we just shook his arm really hard. prolly caused some lasting effects but who know#i think he could also just sleep off the possession but idk i was asleep for the ur-rarity incidents.#cant ask the one witness of it bc i dont want to bring back unnecessary flashbacks of [guy we hate]#anyways it’s been years since we moved out from that place and i still want my history textbook back. mostly for the principle of it but—#and so that’s the tangent of the day. i feel weirdly less stressed now thanks witch mona#i do wonder how my grandparents are faring on this 七月 though…#b u t !!!!! tomorrow’s date on the lunar calendar says it’s an auspicious day for wishful activity and starting a new job!!! so… maybe~~~~?#hauauauauauauauuauaaaaaa anyways insane tangent over stream mona’s new album ok bye#oops forgor to disable rbs i hate how easy it is to forget to use this function man
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oughhhh new boss hasn't even fully taken over yet but she seems so incompetent 😬
#also has no respect for anyone else including some of the lovely old ladies who have worked here 30 years#disrespected my mentor :(#also wants me an my other co teacher to come back to work some day(s) in the next few weeks to work unpaid overtime#just to set up the classroom the way she wants....#which is traditionally the lead teacher's job to do if she chooses#i think she's genuinely so delulu that she thinks it's gonna be fun girls night bonding time or something#like girl i am not coming back after hours to work for free lol#anyway every change she has tried was catastrophic today but she wouldnt even admit that most of them don't work 🤡#then she left at 3pm for me to deal w closing while the kids lost thier marbles bc she fucked up naptime then didn't let us keep them down#so they literally got a half nap today but she didnt care bc she was off in an hour anyway#ugh#she's gonna be insufferable i know it 😖#my co teacher was begging our current supervisor who hasnt fully left yet for advice on saying no to the unpaid overtime#im so sad she's leaving fr 😭#she doesn't even want to go but management is evil and dumb and moved her to pre k bc another teacher lied abt her :(#i got her a nice care package tho#i was going to wait for the new boss to be off shift and go home before giving it to my current one at end of day tomorrow (her last day)#bc i didnt want her to feel unwelcome or weird or anything#but i don't care now actually 😂#i want her to know we love sarah and are going to miss her#and she has to live up to that#bc currently she's uh...not lol
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.
#was out with dad for a bit today when he got a text that mom tested positive for covid. so shes coming home from seeing grandma tomorrow#i feel o fuckingbad for her jeez#but dad tested. positive too so now im a close contact. im sosad upset scared mad i dont even know#i guessfour years with only a couple close calls and one maybe case is good#but. gods. i just.#maybe ill move up my therapy appt#aur rambles#original posts#covid 19#coronavirus#medical cw#illness cw#i mean iam recently vaxed and i had my mask on for 99% of the time and the car windows down for most of it#but i hugged him and i just im so upset. im gonna go play minecraft or gotham knights or something
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🎀 🎀 🎀
#hi cuties! just doing a quick little check-in since it's been a minute ✨#still not really checking tumblr cause there's just too much going on and i'm trying to find some joy here getting settled in a new home!#i do check here and there though so if you wanna hit up the IMs i'll for sure get back to you!! 💕#ANYWHO: things are going okay! kinda same old but just trying to enjoy what i can and take a day at a time#started talking to a recruiter today and she was so sweet (and my age which is a bonus) so i'm hoping she'll be a good help ...#... in the old job search (while i keep looking on my own as usual of course) but still! having someone who's JOB it is to search for me??#feels promising??? i hope!#(even tho in all honesty this job search stuff has been peak deflating and depressing but! we keep movin!)#i'm also super excited that my mom is treating me for xmas/my bday to a trip to london to visit my best friend#(since they weren't actually able to come visit for the holidays sadly) but i think it's gonna be special and healing 😌💕#i think that covers most of the things!! pretty pleeeease come hit me up on discord!!#i would love to chat and write more there and have servers and all that fun stuff so don't be shy!#love and miss you all so much *big hugs to the dash*#00. // OUT OF AMMO ( OOC POST. )
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you would think considering how much it loves sleeping that my body would, yknow, sleep when i ask it to. or even just when it has barely slept in days and im trying so hard to sleep
#the bin#uugghhhh i woke up at 1pm today bc my stupid idiot body refused to go to sleep at a reasonable time even tho i was alreday so sleep#deprived. i have to work at 6:30 tomorrow morning :/ so i guess i wont be sleeping till then bc i still have to clean stuff and shower#maybe maybe maybe ill get a nap in but idk. bleh. i hope after i get home my stupid body will sleep. its gonna have to bc i work 7 hours the#next day so i cant do that too sleep deprived. i really really hope i dont have to :( hhhh#i wanted so bad to get high last night mosty bc my body has been refusing to sleep this past week but my sister n her boyfriend didnt come#over so i wasnt able to get more edibles :( or boxes for packing. hhh. i need to move so soon! i have no idea what day its even gonna be yet#i badeky have an idea of how much its gonna cost either. they finally gave me a gas cost estimate afeyr ive been asking for 3 weeks#hhh. well. whatever. i only have 4 more shifts. im kinda sad tbh. i really like working here. my coworkers are so nice#tomorrow is probs the last time ill ever see my fav coworker. shes so nice. shes so nice she used he/him for me and calls me orb#i just mentioned the name in passing once after i changed my pronouns on my nametag and she noticed and she remember!#and before she used it for me she stopped and asked if i was comfortable with it or if i wanted to keep it private. i have never EVER met#another cis person who would even think to ask that. most cis people dont understand why you would care. shes like. the nicest person ive#ever ever met. why did i have to find such a great place to work in minnesota? well. even if i am super tired tomorrow morning itll probably#be ok. butbi really would prefer not to be.#i dont know why i havent been able to sleep properly. bleh. i do liek what edibles do to me its a fun time but its kinda annoying that i#cant use them very casually for sleep or pain. they incapacitate me for 14 hours minimum.#well. at least no matter how stressed i am abt everything. i will definitely be elsewhere in 18 days max. should be less than that.#i will miss this job and these coworkers but i am relived that i wont have to go to work for awhile. esp with this tooth pain.#and im so excited to be able to draw again! im glad im moving a month before artfight bc itll give me time to get shit prepped#i wanted so bad to participate last year but i wasnt able to come evn close to finishing any attacks bc i was too tired from working
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Oh fuck, passover starts monday
#im not jewish#my parents arent jewish#yet they celebrate jewish holidays#because jews are the “chosen” people even if they dont believe tjeir beliefs#which means im gonna go home either today or tomorrow and have my safe food thrown away#because it has leavning in it#and i really hope they dont go into my room to check my candy to see if theres anything#and theres gonna be even less food in my house#cause im already operating on so little in there#they are gonna clean everything out#and they dont both cooking for me most days#especially when i work “late”#which is now everyday#oh gods what am i gonna eat?#rice?#just ungodly amounts of rice?#they are prolly gonna buy matza#so i might can get some almond butter and matza#fuckkkkkk
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told my coworker I just started elden ring and he was like fuck me playing souls games is more stressful than a full time job I had to quit ER when I started this job so I could just chill out when I got home instead.... 💀
#I didnt even start the conversation he just remembered im into rogues/souls and was making small talk.. sweet guy#i think ive won his respect by being a souls fan 🫡#ive only played a couple hours so far (and lets be real. most of that was in character creator) but its really fun ive been thinking abt#it at work all day.... the fights are challenging but actually not as difficult as i thought considering how much ppl complain#like it feels very fair + the fight patterns are easier to pick up than most rogue bosses tbh. im a little clumsy bc i dont play many#3d games but ill get the hang of it..#also looooove the visuals + music. goes without saying tbh#i wanna make fanart of the character im playing as already teehee#if i get home and eat and shower relatively quickly i can probably play another 2 hours lets goooo#feeling so much more normal today i love mondays my best friend mondays. my period did start at work tho which suuucked#me titrating this substrate w a white knuckle grip on the pipette trying not to crumple in half over the bench and weep#ibuprofen does nothing for me..... i need to get some more cocodamol even if it does make me kinda drowsy#i dunno how im gonna survive periods when im back titrating meds again bc i cant take any nsaids... well. cross that bridge ig#anywaaay. bus was on time so should be home before 6 today woohoo#.diaries
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my manager is WAY too fucking nice to me im gonna explode
#emeto tw#emeto cw#in tags ->#i started having a panic attack at work earlier but i didnt really get the chance to go in back and chill for a bit so it just got worse#like REALLY fucking bad worse than ive had in . at least years maybe Ever. i have not thrown up in over a decade now but#i started fucking dry heaving behind the register i REALLY thought i was going to be sick it was a close thing#i couldnt even call my coworker up i just had to fucking dip and pray she realized i was gone (she did thank fuck)#and then i was shaking really bad really freaking out still fucking dry heaving in the back of the store and it was just.#easily one of the worst experiences ive had in a LONG time like december will not leave me alone <- covid then appendicitis and now this WH#and my manager hadnt been in the store at the time but she came in thru the back and saw me and i was like hey haha funny story#and she was so concerned and told me to stay in back as long as i needed and that i could go home if i wanted to etc etc#ended up bringing my bag back for me and bringing me water and she checked in on me every 5-10 mins until my parents finally got there#she was rly nice and rly understanding and then the coworker i abandoned who is also kind of my manager. also came back#and SHE was ALSO super fucking sweet about it really concerned didnt want me to feel bad abt it (i feel so fucking bad abt it)#i did end up having to go home early bc. dear god. and i texted my manager just now asking if i could leave a bit earlier tomorrow#bc im supposed to have another 8 hour shift but i didnt even make it to 4 hours today and im rly nervy abt it happening again#and she straight up was like 'are you sure? i was genuinely planning on covering your shift myself' SHE DOESNT EVEN WORK UP FRONT#SHE'D BE GOING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE REGISTER AND KITCHEN AND SHE'D BE THERE FOR AT LEAST OVER 12 HOURS#like okay. okay. when i texted my parents abt it dad told me 'its probably just nerves. try to push through it'#but my manager and coworkers r gonna be the sweetest kindest most understanding people about it. okay. sure. okay.#surely u see why i am exploding WHY ARE THEY SO NICE?????????? i feel so fucking guilty GOD#alyalyoxenfree
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feeling misery and despair about going back to work btw. im trying to suppress it and i did a good job but the inevitable is inevitable
#purrs#i had like 3 massive breakdowns at the end of the week incl one on friday when i was off. and then i was like ok. i am literally weak and sh#shaking from all of that let me just pretend none of it happened. and i did!!! i pretended so well that i have felt basicslly normal all#weekend. i played a lot of video games and i even went out twice.. once to a chorus concert on campus (which is big bc being on campus ummmm#is deeply agitating to me rn ♥️) and today to home depot w my family to wander around the plants and hear the birds. i am suppressing things#and i know i am but if i don’t think about thst i feel so normal. except now it’s 11:16 on a sunday night and i have work tomorrow. and i#know most of the horrors are over but there are still so many more fucking horrors ahead. saying goodbye to people i love and anniversaries#of things happening including today being the 4 year anniversary of a certain email lol. and i can FEEL the difference. the way my stomach#is in knots bc weekends are only so long (even long ones) and i can only hold back the horrors for a little while. it’s all temporary. augh.#i literally need like a whole month off i think. idk. work stuff has fucked up my mental health beyond belief this year and it’s so sad bc t#this is my dream job but im in so much mental pain and physical exhaustion constantly and they beget themselves and by the end of the week#im miserable. but the semester is about to end. but what if it doesn’t get better bc EVERY single god damn time we talk about how it’s gonna#get better it quite literally gets worse lol 💖 i can’t im not strong enough. coming up on 5 years here and im not fucking strong enough!#but i will heal eventually i think. i just need the horrors to cease for long enough for me to catch my breath (and other redacted things ♥️
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I forget how much I hate the taste of vodka but the whipped cream vodka is so much better my god
#make a drink sweet enough that you can’t taste it when it’s in ur mouth and then all u get is the whipped cream vodka in the burn#makes drinks more tolerable#also this is the fastest I think I’ve ever chugged an alcoholic drink#we are gonna get fucked up tonight bc we have daddy issues and fought with our mom this morning slayyy#smoked a cigarette at the lake now getting fucked up in my room while home alone#life is so good and it’s all bullshit forever#literally we could all die and it doesn’t matter and life is weird and crazy and I am happy it sucks and I am so fucking thrilled to be aliv#at all#life is good regardless of death but I wish death would just like wait patiently for my family#dad I miss u I hope you had a good four twenty where ever you ended up. im sorry moms acting like this. I hope my brothers okay at school.#I hope he’s having a good time and isn’t completely overwhelmed with everything. I was right and apparently he’s gonna come home after grad#uation and im excited to have him home again but my mothers all upset. I know it sucks that you’re dead but it’s nice knowing in a weird way#that you’re the reason me and hunter got close again. so thanks I guess for that. and smoking made me and mom grow closer. idk. you’ve done#a lot for us and most of it had to do with weed. today hurt worse than my birthday. or the six month anniversary. today sucked. and no one#else seemed to be torn apart by it and it made me feel like I was going crazy and no one could even tell#you would’ve noticed if I was acting different. I love you. wherever you are I still love you. and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was such a bitch.#and I wish I took better care of you. but you were my father I wasn’t supposed to take care of you. you should’ve been there for me. we shou#have been there for mom and hunter and your parents and I’ve been thinking a lot about grammie actually. I don’t know how I feel. thinking#about her makes me cry now. I don’t have the heart to make her cry talking about my childhood but I miss her. and I miss being young. I miss#you coming to my Father’s Day dance recitals and coming back from bike week in Laconia and bringing me flowers always wearing your grey#Harley Davidson jacket and you’d have flowers in your arms and you’d be bored but so proud and you’d hug me and you’d smell like weed and#your beard was always scratchy when you’d hug me and I just miss you a lot. I miss you and I fucking hate you for it fuck.#note to self. don’t be pmsing and then get drinking and smoking and thinking of your dead father. you will cry
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FUCK me I voted by accident and now I don’t even know where I added to this mans.....
#its only been broken since yesterday and im still using it in denial#i cant even read the right half of any text posts and im posting this on an ipad from 8 years ago#no i will not use the ipad to browse instead#dont ask why the home button is taped over that part broke over a year ago#i was using assistive touch to take its place but the part of the screen i gotts touch to use it#got eaten by the broken bit so i cant even close or swap apps properly lol#i gotta swipe down and search for the app but only if most of the letters are on the left side of the keypad#im sure itll stop being funny as soon as im outta weed so im gonna enjoy fucking with it at least until like 8 pm today
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I was really productive today and i'm trying to be proud of myself but theres nothing like being reminded by my family that they consider me lesser and an after thought to kill my mood and motivation
#vark posts#dont rb#all i did was ask my dad and my sister if they wanted to play mc and an hour later i get some half assed 'idk'#ik that might not seem like much but this happens everytime i make some attempt to spend time with them#whatever i suggest is never good enough and i'm lucky if i even get texted first#they never personally inv me over and everytime ive pointed it out theyve spun it around on me#they even go so far as to ignore me and put me down in person#maybe its time i go low contact#i so badly want things to go back to how they used to be but nothin good is gonna come out of putting myself in this situation over and ove#i responded to the idk text with 'you can just say no. its not that big a deal' and ik thats gonna piss my dad off#so i havent looked at my phone since#nothin like family trauma to make me use desktop tumblr lol#sorry to vent this like all happened at most 10 mins since posting this#and im very hurt#anyways fuck them check out the shit i did today#i took out the trash + worked out + did the dishes + started a russian study journal#+ cleaned and disinfected 1 of 4 cobweb and spider covered chairs so now we have a chair for the dining table!#cleaned the chair outside on my apts front porch while it was raining so it was actually pretty nice and peacful#wasnt playin any music or anything just listening to the rain and letting myself get swept up in chair cleaning lmao#im a bad bitch as soon as im left home alone all day
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gm im awake which means i have every right to complain
im so so tired
#i slept perfectly fine BUT i also went to work yesterday and made dinner and later went to a meeting then played cards then we went swimming#then i came home and showered. so i did a LOT of stuff yesterday even tho i was tired and really wanted to nap after dinner#unsurprisingly. when i use all my energy im tired the day after. who wouldve thought#luckily today im off work so i can nap all i want until 6 when we have art group#i have to be in the cafe tomorrow at work tho so im hoping a whole day of doing absolutely nothing will help#at most i might do one load of laundry so my fav pants are clean. was gonna wait w that but my work shirt also needs to be washed#talkies
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My limbs were bandage city today y'all I kept gettin hurt 😭
First I accidentally burned my leg w a drill. I just finished using it and was checking the hole and accidentally brought it too close to my leg
Then I nicked my knuckle on some semi circle thing trynna get it off something else, forgot what it was called. But I bled a bunch and had to get a bandaid :P
After that I stabbed my finger with some wire on accident. It's like the cable thing that's made up of a bunch of tiny metal wire strung together I also forgot what that was called but I bled again!
Then I scratched my knee on the back of a hammer and, guess what? I bled again!
And when I got home the remains of a blister fell off and left me with just a hole in my heel so that kinda sucks :P
#Lmao just yapping about whay happened at work (can i call it thag if its just like a program? im still doing a bunch of work like construct#ion and shit so its work#but jt feels weird yo call it work when you're not getting paid)#buy like all this shit did happen like fr and now i know my way arousn the medicine cabinent like my own home!#me getting the most injured techie award aside#it was really fun like fr#we set these big ass frames up on the fly system and got them in the air but on the second pair the cabling is uneven so thats gotta get fix#but like im kinda nervous tbh cuz like we open this Thursday to the public#and we have our first full run throighs monday - wednesday#and Wednesday doenst even count techincally cuz we're doing a show for the other side of the program up north so its really just an actual#show but the director keeps caling it a dress rehersal#we arent even close to done witj she set we still need to hook up 2 more legs to the fly sustem#we need to get the cabiling done on the last leg and fix the other cuz its being a dick to us#finish painting the backdrop and getting the details done on the stairs and railings and ramps#and we need to get the logo for the center of the set finished and atttatched#AND we still need to learn our cues for lighting and props and the flys and shit#that part isnt much of what km doing tho cuz im a stagehand so i dont gotta worry about the lights and the flys but im still worried :[#like half the techies showed up today#on a day we arent supposed to ve tbere#to help finish the set and we arent even finished and qe were there all day ughghshh#we're planning on working durring our dinner break since its loke 2 hours long on monday so we can eat and get back to work and finish#i know working on your break is a stupid fucking idea and its my break time i need to rest#and i will be using half of my break to rest and eat and drink water and get some energy back but we still need to get this done#fuckkk when i get like a paid job and shit its gonna suck ass isnt it#its loke 11:30 i shoild go to bed and not be kn tjmblr LMAO#sorry for lime yapping in the tags and shit urhehhh
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Guess who slept almost 9 hours and has literally nothing planned for the day but a dinner date with J in the evening 😌
Ch’girl is gonna relaaaax
#May rambles#thank goodness for j pushing for a weekend where we have zero plans with anyone#we did a lil coffee date yesterday morning and went on a walk near the ocean and I finally got the back changed on my tragus piercing I got#a few months ago#and then we came home and played video games#and technically I did have video game plans but that was fine :3 played multiplayer stardew w/some long distance friends for the first time#it was fun!#omg other than that the girl who took charge the most had really frustrating early game habits#she refused to sell crops because she was saving them for processing but then she went and Purchased food from Gus!!! we don’t have money!!!#anyway#sell your crops early game until you have the income and resources to create your artisanal good empire#(╯°□°）╯ ︵ ┻━┻#lol#but tbh it was fun anyway and I didn’t say anything because I don’t really know her very well#im close friends with one person who has brought all of Her close friends into a discord server together#so I still am barely getting to know everyone#but I love her very much so I’m trying very hard to be present and engage and be friendly#also I mean her friends are nice#even the one who has sdv methods I don’t agree with XD#ANYWAY - I got off track#I’m gonna play bg3 today >:3
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