#ALSO IM SO SORRY GAMERS
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also I keep doing the thing where I have an interaction. astarion disapproves. I sigh. I reload the save before the interaction. I kick him back to camp. I do the thing. I pick the lad back up.
#eve lae’zel likes me better than him it’s kinda funny#him and karlach like. she’s a surprisingly tough cookie#I also picked her up? kinda late?#it was a case of I was scared to do stuff on the map#I also didn’t pick up wyll for a hot minute bc I coudlnt find him#I’m better now about looking around + talking to everyone l#I spent like. an hour and half talking to people around last light#I still don’t have halsin#ALSO IM SO SORRY GAMERS#I accidentally killed minthara. so she is uhhhh MIA from my current game#I do want to play w her one of these times#I might have to make a different oc for it tho#I know I could have knocked her out and she would show up ;—;#I was. so anxious about the goblin camp that I kinda jsutjddudjdjdjddj#on the list of things to do now that things in the game are less scary#I ain’t going back anytime soon tho like I wanna finish the game first I think#gosh act 1 is huuuge compared to act 2#I’m waiting for the we fix the problem and turns out there’s a lot worse problems going on#unless act 2 is just truly as short as I’m imagining#but we’ll see! don’t tell me tho I wanna find out obviously#owen plays bg3
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Signature foods >:D
#foolish gamers fanart#foolish gamers#qsmp foolish#jeffrey bacon#IM SO EXCITED OF OPQ!! SURELY NOTHING GOES WRONG !!#also sorry for not posting … i kinda forgot and got lazy LMAOOOO
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DAY 103(123): miscellaneous practice beasts
#codacheetah#isat#loop isat#isat spoilers#(looks at the number discrepancy between days passed and days drawn) AUGH#im so sorry for my absence gamers i have been beaten horrendously by artblock and lack of schedule#i miss drawing for this blog.....i havent been drawing much at all lately frankly its so depressing its not even funny#i was so excited for artfight and ive done one attack. augh#i feel really bad abt not posting here like actually#but better to post something small and random than nothing at all i suppose#um anyways also sorry for posting this at 11:50 again. even when i have no obligation to post i only draw at like 11 pm through 4 am
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HE COMES BACK TODAYY!1! :DDD
#aaaaaaaaa im so exited for the new puppet history episodes!1! what a good time to be a puppet enthusiast :]#oh also im so sorry gamers i didnt do the art rqs yesterday something came up but im finishing em today!#anyways thatsa it#ville doodl#puppet history#puppet history the professor#puppet history fanart#watcher
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i'm really happy!! i scrolled back on some of my kitty token and like. i'm officially at the point where I'm cringing at my art from a few months ago again!! that might sound sarcastic but i'm 100% serious. stagnating or even losing skill from being burnt out and depressed feels fucking awful. and like without art I genuinely have no fucking clue how to keep on going. but i think i'm getting healthier to the point where i'm finally improving again with little baby steps. so slowly getting those skills back feels unbelievably good
i'm just :') haven't felt hope like this in years, like since i finally found the right mix of meds and didn't want to kill myself every single day lol. life is feeling fucking worth it again baby. nothing to say fuck it to, we are just straight up balling B)
#idk like. things **do** get better eventually and that's fucking wild every time#****and**** it gets better again even when you relapse. holy shit dude it feels like life is worth living or something#and im sorry if it seems like im bragging at all like “ooh look at me and my improving mental health + art skills”#sometimes you're hanging on by a fraying thread. other times you're able to reach out for a solid rope and harness#and right now i feel like i've been able to strap myself in to a safer place. so i wanna hang on for as long as i can#it's the little blips of light that keep me going yknow? like even when shit gets bad. i've felt the good and *know* it can happen again#idk i'll quit yapping srry im just grateful for the reasons to keep living instead of passively performing cellular respiration#it's also my birthday tomorrow (tomorrow for me. it's already the 30th for most of u)#so it's officially time for The Annual Contemplation of Life and Your Worthiness to Keep On Living lol#anyways goodnight gamers i love u :3 🩷#elkk.txt
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man, i have so many thoughts about qfoolish. he's just a silly little goofy guy but then when you peel away the first layer that you see of him and realize that he's rather a complex character. I feel like he's such a different type of character than what is usually shown. (and honestly, it's something that brings me a lot of comfort as i relate quite heavily to his very laid back nature that people will sometimes take as being unserious or even uncaring) Warning, this gets long (like 2.2k long to be exact) lol and i ramble a lot- also, disclaimer for my own sanity: this is an analysis of the characters! i adore any of the creatures mentioned here so please don't take any of this as a negative view on them! :D
Foolish's motivations are just very different than what typically motivates a character forward and in some sense it's really easy to skew what you think about him. As in, it's really easy to misinterpret his character i think. He express himself in a different way than i think most people are used to. He laughs in serious situations and is constantly just joking around. I think this causes people to think he cant/wont ever be serious, but the thing is that he's perfectly capable of being serious when he needs to be. For example, if he thinks that he and Leo are going into a serious situation, then he tells her to put her armor on. Really, just anything involving Leo he makes sure to be serious if the situation calls for it. Or like, fighting in dungeons only if he deems it dangerous enough to take seriously. but like, if he doesn't think a situation calls for it, then he just continues to be his goofy self. And sometimes when the situation calls for it, he is just in between those two points in a way that others aren't. He's just not afraid to joke around even when the situation seems dire (cellbit's kidnapping and rescue comes to mind. like, he played such a large role with his symmetry wand, but despite all the serious moments going on,, he was still just a goofy guy).
And one thing about him being so silly all the time is that even the other members on the island sometimes get a misconstrued picture of what they think foolish's goal and wants are. I think in some sense it's true to say that what motivates his wants is what the value of something he perceives is. For example, the sunbird he only wanted because of how cool it sounded and how rare it was. The cloud he wants because its something unique and useful. He wants Cucurucho's friendship because that's something no one else has and Cucurucho has access to items and is powerful.
But these wants aren't the most necessarily the most important things to him. Their something he has interest in, yes, but they're not more important than say his friends and family. Which, i feel like some people might not recognize about him. After all, he is constantly talking about wanting a cloud or how he'd have no issue in killing Bad (and holy shit is landduo and their relation something i could go on about for a whole more hour cuz there's so much there)
Because one vital thing that's so *so* important to recognize is that Foolish is very possibly one of the most loyal people on the island. And despite all of his flaws, he would never really want to truly hurt those he cares about. He is loyal to the people he cares about to an absurd amount. I think it's very clear to see his devotion for Vegetta and his adoration for Leo, but his loyalty also applies to his friends on the island. He would never *intentionally* want to harm anyone he cares about. I don't think some people understand that Mr. Mustard fell under that category as someone he cared about. The entire reason Cucurucho was able to lure him into accepting the mission It gave him is because it brought Mr. Mustard's name into the mix. It told Foolish that Pac and Mike were the ones responsible, and with nothing better to do, Foolish set out to complete this task.
To talk more about the recent events with him arresting Tazercraft: he would never truly want to harm or hurt them. However, when you're looking at the grand scheme of how things went down, he was manipulated and really had no other choice. Sure, he seemed to enjoy arresting them at first, but the thing is I don't think he really processed or even thought about how this action would be received by others. To him, arresting Pac and Mike sounded like enough fun, and it was coming from Cucurucho (who he's wanting to be friends with for actual months now, and Cucurucho literally called him friend in the book it handed to him) and being arrested sounded like something he'd enjoy. Again, like something *he'd* enjoy and that he therefore thought Pac and Mike would enjoy.
You have to realize, Foolish doesn't have the same perspective on these serious situations as some others do. And the thing is that he judges how others react based on how he would react to them. So, in that sense, he views being kidnapped/arrested as a good and fun thing! he even said today on stream, "apparently when you arrest someone, others won't find it funny". it might have just been one line, but in my eyes this gives a really clear insight into his character. To him, arresting Pac and Mike was only a positive thing because it would help him find his friend and it could be a fun event for them. His friend that he was told, by cucurucho, that had disappeared because of Pac and Mike. Foolish doesn't hold any ill intent, but that doesn't necessarily come across in others view of him. Although it might not be clear, he cares about Pac and Mike. Today he even expressed worries about them and said that he still considers them his friends (even though he's aware that they might not share those feelings about him anymore). He doesn't know about their past traumas, to him this was just a fun little event that would be fun for both them and him. When first accepting Cucurucho's mission to him, I'd say he doesn't realize the consequences his actions would have. That by arresting Pac and Mike, it'd leave the other members of the server doubting him and mistrusting him. That others would be angry at him for something that he hadn't realized the gravity of.
(just random thing i want to say here: honestly, if Foolish had any malicious intent towards Tazercraft, he could have easily made their arrest go unnoticed for at least a few days. just think about it: if he had said that the surprise he had was just for the two of them. if Jaiden hadn't accompanied them as a witness. people wouldn't of known then what happened to them, but the thing is that he wasn't thinking in this way because he would never seriously want to harm them. he even wanted Jaiden there as a witness)
I think he realized the backlash of his actions in the Favela when everyone seemed to swarm him and then when he got interrogated. In which, he never really lied. All things considered, Foolish is a rather honest guy. I'd even say that he almost never lies. Like, if he's trying to hide the truth about something, he often times will find a way to skirt around the question without lying. Like, just looking at the mess that was the interrogation yesterday (/lh) you can see that he doesn't ever actually lie. He just blabbers a bunch of nonsense and skirts around the issue without ever revealing anything. The issue arises when you look at the lie he did tell.
for those that don't know, Foolish gave Jaiden a rundown of what happened before arresting Tazercraft. and in this he tells her that Cucurucho gave him the option to either 'arrest Pac and Mike' or to 'kill Richarlyson'. Not even going to lie, when he said this is took me (and i think all of stream) off guard. because Foolish practically never lies in that way and so blatantly. because this was just 100% untrue. However, it makes sense why he did it. At that point, he realized that people were going to keep badgering him on why he arrested Pac and Mike, but at the same time he knew they wouldn't take him telling the truth seriously. He may care about Mr. Mustard but the truth is that the other members don't hold those same thoughts towards most the Capybaras in general. Like, just look at Fit's interaction with him today. Foolish literally reiterated the truth of why he did it over and over again, but Fit didn't believe him even slightly. Foolish didn't lie once about his motivations and yet he was just not believed.
I think he realized at some point soon after arresting Pac and Mike that people weren't going to trust the truth. Not from his mouth at least. So he lied to Jaiden because it's a lie that people will easily understand. it's a choice they'd stop questioning him about. Again, he doesn't do this out of malicious intent but because it's something easier for people to understand and relate to. It's something they're not going to hound him about, not like they will when he tells them the truth. This lie is more easily digestible for the island members and it also brings Foolish less stress if they take this and believe it. Everyone is willing to make sacrifices in order to protect the eggs. And he had to of realized that Jaiden was going to tell other people. The islanders almost always spread these types of details to each other, that's just how it goes. Telling this lie to her in secret makes it all that more believable when she goes and tells some of the others about it later cuz it's something Foolish told her in confidentiality. To the other members, it paints foolish only in a good light. Of course he wouldn't have actually wanted to arrest Pac and Mike, he did it to protect Richas! and that's all it takes to stop them from getting angry at him. All things considered, it's a smart move to pull. Although, I do have to wonder how this will come to bite foolish in the butt. Because i can only imagine that it will be revealed eventually, some way or another.
From what i understood, Cellbit immediately dropped his anger on Foolish once he was told it was to protect Richarlyson. When Jaiden tells him this information he doesn't even thing to consider that Foolish could have lied. After all, why reason would anyone have to lie about that? In my mind, i can only imagine that the lie will protect him for now and in the short term, but once revealed that it's a lie, i think there will be some repercussions against Foolish for sure. Like, even Jaiden doesn't know that he's lied. Jaiden, whom he's been telling everything about. Jaiden who is only one (aside from Leo) who now knows of Foolish's secret detective role. Jaiden, whose the one he's told almost the entire truth to.
An interesting thing to note though, is that I think Foolish's decision to lie to Jaiden was still rather spontaneous. like, it's not something he thought too much about. it's a fib that makes his life a little bit easier (a little bit less lonely) and right now it doesn't seem to hold any repercussions. the interesting thing, though, is that he hasn't repeated the lie at any point in time. and like, he also hasn't done any lying to reinforce the lie he's told. it'd be so easy to paint a story that he's being blackmailed, but he just *doesn't* even though it's a lie he's made himself.
Foolish, all in all, is someone that just acts or speaks before really thinking too much about what he's doing. About the possible side affects of his actions. He just *does* them.
I think it also plays in very well with the idea that he's lived for thousands of years. the things that affect the typical mortal just don't phase him in the same way, not when he's viewing everything as an adventure or an element that is fun. i think that also taking into consideration that he's lived for such a long time, it's rather surprising how easy he is to manipulate. Because that is what Cucucrucho is doing, when looking at the whole picture. cucurucho holds a lot of power and we all know that it easily could have arrested Pac and Mike without the intervention of Foolish. So why make him do it anyways?
Well we don't know that for sure, but we can make some guesses. To sow distrust between the members. To see how far Foolish was actually able and willing to go for the Federation. To place blame on someone aside from itself. All possibilities.
Regardless, Foolish has played right into their hands. He's a silly guy that's gotten himself into a serious situation. One in which he might end up having to navigate alone because even though he has Jaiden he's still lied to her, and even though he has Leo, he would never want to put his daughter into harms way. He said something at the end of the stream about how this might just end up being a lonely road he's taking and i couldn't agree more.
Anyways, that's all i got for tonight as it's late and idk what im getting at here, i just think Foolish is really neat and wanted to attempt to put that into words. :D
#qsmp#mars rambles#foolish gamers#qsmp rambles#does this make any sense? im not sure#but i needed to write something because the foolish brainrot is real#character study#also this is just my thoughts so far and they might not be the most eloquent so sorry#also! i would love to hear if anyone else has any other ideas and interpretations of things :D#theres more i wanted to add but i could only write so fast unfortunately so i forgot some things i mightve been thinking#im really excited to see where the storyline takes foolish#and to see if he ends up digging his own grave :D
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He's ok! I think! Maybe! Probably...
anyways late night saturday vrchat session was a thing that happened and it sure was chaotic as you'd expect we didn't get a lot of pictures but we do have these ones! :D hoping to add emotes to the tempo soon, but alas....visemes are hard to work with. hopefully i can get it sorted out soon! i def wanna get the silly emotes working oh yeah don't mind the basil omor in the third image that's just @komasan192
also im fully willing to plan out a vrchat session for harmoknight tumblr! i usually do em on friday, saturday, and sunday nights since thats when im mainly free :D maybe this weekend? :0
#harmoknight#phione's rambling#vrchat#i shared the tomodachi life lore with a friend during the gamering#most of us lost our shit it was so fucking funny#i wanna work on more avatars...maybe tappy next#i looked at gargans model and i've come to the realization that im legally not smart enough to figure out how to make the face work#meanwhile tyko's model ended up being in multiple parts and i dont think thats how it works???#i might end up seeing how ninja ripper works for ariana lyra and woodwin#oh and training tempo too#i really want those models ripped aaaa#OH yeah#i think tempo is ready [even though literally nothing has changed with him since last post]#im not. great at modeling or unity so his visemes are a little wonky#they dont really. move with the face which is weird#but you know what he works and that's what matters to me#he also has his staff toggle but idk how to make it work on pc im sorry pc users#im really not familiar with all the unity stuff!! sorry!!
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i Love pkmn but i love it as a worldbuild. when i play the game its just bc i like exploring the world and the critters. and i feel like everyone else who likes pkmn are all ppl who Love the games and competitive parts of it. so i feel a little embarrassed about not being a game-lover and competition-lover... i simply enjoy the world and the silly creatures 😭😭
#i dont talk about pkmn very much outside of this space and even here i just talk abt Guz mostly#bc i always worry ppl are going to think im silly (derogatory) for not being a proper gamer fjdkdl#when i was a kid i was able to remember the pkmn names a lot more and i probably could've learned the type matchups#but i didnt have a chance to play the games (bc of abuse and misogyny lol) so i couldn't like... learn stuff as a kid when i actually-#-had a functional memory still 😭😭 once i hit 15 i started losing my memory capabilities#and i only started playing a little bit when i was 16 so rest in shit LOL#(also the misogyny thing is just that my brothers were allowed to play video games but i wasnt bc i was a girl lmfao)#I JUST FEEL EMBARRASSED i wish i could be a Gamer™ but I'm just. not good at it.#i Could be good if i rly put in a bunch of effort but like... i got better things to do and things i care about more sbdjdkl#AUUUGHHH sorry for this im just embarrassed all of a sudden abt this djfkdl#and also worry that ppl are going to expect me to be Good at this or smth but yall im rly not fjdkdl i just sort of brute force my way thru#all the battles and everything fnfkdl i use almost No strategy fjdkdl i prefer offensive moves over defensive moves even#its just... im not good at this stuff dhdkdl#dandy.cmd#dandy.exe#vent //
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!! Cw // blood + knife ... Yeah that's pretty much it ahaha !!
Waltz
#Two art posts in one day!? great googly moogly#Drew this a while back but never got around to posting it until now... here it is!#Also yes the goofy axolotl with the glasses in the first doodle and the one in the second image are the same person. That's Kui!#cw for implied death and cannibalism in the tags sorry everyone vvv#Kui and Kiri (the other axolotl in the first image) are siblings. With Kiri being the eldest and Kui being the youngest by three years.#Kiri runs a cafe/ sweet shop that caters to vampires at night. She bakes/ cooks the food that she sells there and lives above said cafe.#Kui is a filthy gamer who likes arcades and wants to abolish the government (BASED!?)#Kui often has to go get “ingredients” for Kiri when she starts to run out. Yes that's exactly what it implies.#Since it's a cafe that caters to vampires.#Kui also gets bitches somehow. the gamer nerd somehow has rizz how is this possible what the fu-#The other girl in the image is Yuzuki! Don't have a lot to say about her now but shes the protag of a POTENTIAL rpg maker game Im workin on#also I'm working on her toyhouse page too so be on the lookout for those weeee#kui korosu#kiri korosu#yuzuki#cherriverse#original character#digital art#character art#cherris canvas#cw knife#cw blood#Kiri and Yuzuki go by She/ Her and Kui goes by He/ She#if you're here reading this and have any questions abt these guys feel free to ask! I'm down to answer any as best as I can
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holy ewa human chip???? hot mama revvington-? I mean what? sorry what? sorry what? sorry-
#913's art#ok to rb#digital art#medibang paint pro#♡ chip revvington#toontag#toontown corporate clash#toontown#ttcc#ttcc chainsaw consultant#chip revvington#self ship art#self insert#t: euca lyptus#self insert community#q4q self ship#//I WASNT GONNA POST THIS INITIALLY BUT THIS ONES FOR U BUBBLES ZOOBLEMEW#//LMAOOOOO ALSO IM SO SORRY ABOUT THAT CLOWO I STARTED SCREAMING THAT I MAXED LAWBOT#//AND THE SECOND THE CANON ROUND FINISHED MY GAME SHAT ITSELF AND CRASHED#//so sorry gamers loool#//it was fun while it lasted before my game decided enough was enough </3#//but yeah this ones for u bubbles#//clings to chip's leg like an annoying little freak. looks up at him with the biggest sparkly eyes#//hehehehehe........... ily cip....
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i <3 1 sweaty box muncher isagi yoichi....
#i mean both sweaty as in actual sweat but also like sweaty player/gamer hehehe#this is beyond self indulgent im so sorry but im having fun. if that helps#sora.txt#snek pek#hes going to be the death of me im sosorrysdhf
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i get so mad when ppl say riddle would be ignorant/clueless towards lgbtq+ stuff bc he was raised sheltered. no the fuck he wouldn't. maybe he'd start out that way yeah but as Soon as its implied he doesn't know something hes taking that shit to heart and learning everything he could EVER know about it. hes making a fucking study of it. he knows more than you actually
#twst#txt post#jamie talks#idk maybe this is a delusional take#also shes transfem so jot that down#it just makes me really mad when ppl characterizing riddle as just Not Getting it#''he put she/her pronouns in his magicam bio because he thought he was supposed to put the prns of the gender he was attracted to''#FIRST OF ALL. THAT'S FUCKING STUPID.#sorry that was a real take i saw on tiktok it made me so mad#anyways riddle literally hates not knowing things and will study relentlessly until he's mastered it#see book 6 gamer riddle + halloween vignette riddle learning how to walk in high heels#and he's not going to disrespect others' identities just because they don't match the norm. what the fuck are you on#in his dorm vignette he was able to process that caters way of retaining information was different from his#and what did he do in response? learned. adapted his approach in order to reach cater in a way the other would understand#it's not so hard to believe that he'd do the same for sexuality+gender identity#anyways im crazy. riddle and her mandatory heartslabyul pronoun pins
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hi gay people
#i havent been on here in a while#moved and started college yippee#i like my roommates theyre super cool#the quarter system is also wild#like its week 2 i got midterms#we havent even learned anything yet#i also think im gonna have to take 20-22 units for the next 2 years so thats fun#i really want to get back into sim but i am so exhausted#i miss my sims and my fake online friends#i hope everyone is doing ok#i also got prescribed vyvanse so lets go gamers#40 mg to da dome every day#but it also makes me not want to eat anything which isnt good bc i keep doing all day without eating and then i get a headache at like 5 pm#and am like oooohh#which i hate#but i try to take the med in the morning when i wake up or else i cant get out of bed#i hate the way my brain functions#maybe i can figure out how to fix it#anywhoooo#sorry for the rant i am so very irritable and twitchy i feel like a crack addict#maybe i should stop drinking caffeine#ok bye guys i just wanted to say hi
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"What is a habit your character has that others might find cute?" For your AU BF or Pico? 👀
AUGH this is a tough one bc it depends of the perceiver,,,, so i'm going from GF's perspective here. Also i feel like these arent really habits sorry O-(-(
▪︎ BF : Idk how to word this but he's a very physically intimate person. He's always touching/holding them some way, but the habit i want to talk about is that he tends to lean his weight on them very often djdhhd (like. resting his head on their shoulders or literally leaning on them) if he wasnt so short i feel like he would use people as armrests all the time.
▪︎ Pico : He has a habit of collecting/keeping old stuff related to his interests :] he has a relatively big collection of music + movies. I think that Gf (and Bf tbh) would love to let him go through it with her and see him expressing genuine joy/excitement while talking about it.. especially since thats a rare sight djdhdh
#🤖.txt#🤖.mail#IM SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG O-(-(#Also im sorry if the wording is confusing/something like that djdhhd#I think that Pico has a box filled with plushies he had since he was a kid but you didnt hear that from me#Also he looks like the kind of guy that would have a bunch of old consoles but he isnt a gamer so just ignore this jdhdhhd#swim slowly au#S2!Bf#S2!Pico
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Foolish narrowly avoiding one crisis...
...Only to make the exact same mistake with Maximus two hours later.
#Foolish#Foolish Gamers#AgenteMaxo#QSMP#Badboyhalo#Maximus#I feel so bad for Maximus as a character because he does such great RP#but also dude you guys picked the worst name for your son I can't be sad IM SORRY#BBH
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alright here's the essay under the cut.
entirely just my experience w/ MASH, almost no editing [just spelling mistakes and a few apostrophe misuses]. fair warning, my father was [is] an alcoholic and a horrible person, and i mention that a bit, so if thats something you're sensitive to, bewarned.
My story with M*A*S*H begins a hundred years ago when I was somewhere between 5 and 8, old enough to watch television but not old enough to remember how old I was when I was doing it. The childhood I had was overall unremarkable, marred only by my pitiful excuse for a father that parented by either drinking or being hungover on the couch in between screaming at his children or beating his wife. Unfortunately, he is part of this story, but only accidentally. See, he used to do all that stuff in our unfinished basement, on an old ugly couch, hiding from his family all day. Then, eventually, he decided he liked the couch and television upstairs better, and plagued the family room for many years instead, putting whatever he wanted to watch on instead of letting his children watch cartoons. I ended up liking The Three Stooges quite a lot, less out of actually thinking it was fun and more out of it being the only thing he’d put on that I found remotely entertaining, so I was taking what I could get. We kept the old burned CDs he’d made of them after he moved out.
Anyway. My mother had (and still has) a television in her room (it used to be their room, but she kicked him out) that she could avoid him with. Not wanting to be around the violent cesspool of a person on my couch, I’d sometimes crawl to her room, so as not to let him see me and have him make me come over and listen to some music or whatever he wanted. Old guitarist reliving his glory days or something, I couldn’t tell you. But anyway, I’d enter her room and sit down on her bed with her or on the floor, and we’d watch TV. More often than not, she’d put on MeTV, because she watched those old shows with her own father, and it was a bright spot in her memory that gave her some escapism too. There were a lot of shows on there, but I only really ever remembered things like Gilligan’s Island, ALF, Columbo, Bewitched, The Twilight Zone, and, of course, M*A*S*H.
I liked the other shows, of course. I remember them fondly, especially Gilligan’s Island, maybe it was the catchy theme song with words I could learn. I didn’t like how brown and gross Columbo was, but my mom explained that that’s just how it looked back then. I thought the puppet on ALF was funny, and The Twilight Zone scared me, but I was still interested. I remember enough of Bewitched to remember the nose wiggle and constantly mix it up with I Dream of Jeannie for some reason. Really, anything was better than watching the same episode of Farscape again, which I’ve heard is actually a very good show, but my father kept forgetting that he’d already made me start watching it, and so every viewing session was just the pilot. That’s also the reason I never learned Spanish.
But then I got to M*A*S*H. I won’t lie to you and say that, as a wizened 5-to-8-year-old, I could ‘tell something was special’ about this show. It was a show. It was a show that I remember looking at my mom during, and seeing her really happy. Later she told me, after watching it with me in present day, that she would watch it with her own father, before her parents got divorced. Her father more or less was not present in her life after the split, and that happened when she was 14-ish. The show started airing when she was the age I was when I watched it with her, and she and her father made a weekly thing of it. Neither of us at that age should have watched it, but for both of us, it was forming a little bright spot in our minds, a good dream with a parent when times were tough.
I remember laughing, even if I didn’t get all the jokes. I remember thinking I liked the shade of red one of the characters wore, and also the shade of dark blue the same character wore sometimes. I remember one or both of my siblings being there sometimes, laughing along. One of my siblings told me recently that B.J. Hunnicutt and John ‘Trapper’ McIntyre, both filling roles as doubles partners for Benjamin Franklin ‘Hawkeye’ Pierce, had merged into the same person in their memory. I thought that was hilarious; how could they ever think those were the same person! B.J. Hunnicutt had a mustache! Imagine my surprise re-watching season 4’s opener, ‘Welcome to Korea’, featuring a clean-cut fresh-faced Mike Farrell, lacking the horse brush I had so clearly remembered him housing under his nose.
But the rewatching, yes, the rewatching. It started innocently enough. Between breaks at college, far beyond my young-youth, the real youth people mean when they use that word, my mother opened it up on the tv and put it on. No matter what era you go to in our household, the TV was always going. Most of the time no one was watching it, sometimes blatantly, loudly, explosively chattering and guffawing and gasping with our own business and ignoring it entirely. It was background noise, we all needed it, so we always had it. But something a little strange happened; my mother was watching it, as she often did when she put something on in the evenings to massage her brain to bed after a long day at work. I was typing away at something on my laptop, like I am now, sitting on the couch with her, which I am also doing now (although she’s long gone to bed), and I looked up.
I saw Hawkeye.
It didn’t feel like a rush of emotion, it didn’t feel like something important was happening. That was just my old friend. Looking absolutely horrible with the haircut he was rocking in the pilot, but I remembered him. The pilot doesn’t open with the theme, as I recognized that as soon as it played, it opens with golf, a little vignette of the camp before the choppers come in with wounded. I saw Hawkeye, I saw his shirt, and it really was like when you see an old friend, one you can’t really remember what all you did with, or where you met, or even each other’s names anymore, but you know they mean something to you. You knew this person, and you liked them, you liked them enough that even though you forgot everything else, you remember the love that was there.
And it was a very small thing that happened, and it didn’t happen with every episode, but I would pause my music. My own background noise to drown out everyone else’s background noise, blasting into my headphones. I’d pause my music, read the subtitles, hear them faintly through muffled ears, and laugh along. Smile when I’d see a smile, and a little more than half pay attention.
I went back to college, life went on, we only got maybe to the beginning of season two, but my mom didn’t continue without me. She waited, and eventually, I came home for the summer, summer of 2024.
She put it on again, and the same thing happened. But this time, I way more than half paid attention. I really paid attention. By the time we got to Abyssinia, Henry, I completely paused whatever I was doing when it was on and sat, laptop open, head at a 45 degree angle to watch the TV. I’d still futz around during commercial breaks, but I waited for the commercial breaks to do anything now. More and more it warmed my heart, to see all these old friends I’d forgot about, drag them all out of the closet, finally see B.J. Hunnicutt with that stupid mustache again for the first time in over 15 years at least—it was all so amazing. I was laughing at this show that came out over 20 years before I was even born. My parents hadn’t even met yet when this thing ended. Then, of course, because of the way my brain unfortunately works, it is now all I can think about it, to the point I’ve convinced several people to watch it just by virtue of never-shutting-the-hell-up.
And then? I finally got to see all my friends go home.
I remember the night I watched the finale with my mother. We’d gotten to the penultimate episode, and we’d paused. It was near 8ish, near my mother’s bedtime, and she and I both agreed we could not handle the finale that night, it was too much. And so we put on something, My Name is Earl, anything to make noise, something funny, something light. That’s how the next several days went; do we feel like we can handle the end? No. Tonight? Maybe tomorrow. Maybe after dinner? It was a long day.
But then, after dishes had been cleared and we were both sitting quietly, the sun had already gone down, and she proposes we watch it.
So we did.
I don’t cry at things anymore. I used to cry all the time as a kid, scraped knee, called an idiot by a sibling, way too much crying even for a kid. I got it out of my system, apparently, because now I’m an adult and I have trouble with making tears, and when they do come, they sneak up on me. The last time I remember crying was at my grandmother’s funeral, months ago, and before that, I have no idea. I get misty-eyed, sure, but nothing makes me boohoo.
The same held for the finale. Contrasted heavily by my mother, the woman that regularly cries at especially-touching commercials, shedding a few for every other scene (the bus revelation, the final meal, Charles’s music adventure finale, the wedding dress, every single goodbye, and of course the big one at the end), I was mostly quiet. I remember it ending, and thinking, well, that was about the best finale I’d ever seen. I also thought about how I’d seen strikingly few finales, and that I ought to see more series through til the end. I spoke with my mother a bit about it, we had some good moments from the program tossed back and forth, and she went to bed.
Then I took a shower, and after I got out, the floodgates busted. I was boohooing alright, blubbering too, but I couldn’t point to why. Sure, there were moments in the episode worthy of tears, but this was full sobbing, aching and pitiful and messy. I just left it as something not to worry about, and went on. Since then, on my own, I’ve rewatched select episodes, watched the finale (again) with the sibling that confused Trapper and B.J., done three paintings of stills from the show, made a miniature version of the signpost for my mom, and started writing again for the express purpose of doing things with these characters, and I’ve only now put a fine point on it. It’s a threefold answer of why I fell apart leaving the shower after watching an episode of television that aired 40 years ago.
The first is simple; I have got it in my head that I need to be alright for everyone. If I’m happy, then everything is okay. I think it’s a relic from what made me stop crying, this need to tell everyone, “Hey, I’m the crybaby, so if I’m okay, then really, everything is okay!” My tears are (were) meant to be shed in private. They were my own cross to bear, especially for places like the bathroom where I could get privacy, as I shared a room with a sibling growing up. This is something I’m getting better about.
The second answer is very warm; I finished M*A*S*H with my mom. I remember my grandfather, though he wasn’t too present in my life, and I loved him. He passed when I was young, but I was old enough to remember him, and his death date is near my birthday. My birthday is actually near a lot of either death-dates or birthdays of people that are now dead that my mom loved very much, so I am constantly reminded that my birth is the only good thing that happens to her that month. Finishing the show with her was special. We did it. It’s a tradition now. I don’t plan to have kids, but the future may be strange. At the very least, I know at least one sibling does, so I’ll just have to make sure their kids watch it, too. I don’t have anything of my grandfather’s, his family wasn’t kind to mine and took pretty much everything when he died, but now I have this show. And I have this with my mother. It keeps my heart warm.
And lastly, the thing responsible for the most boohooing, is that, like I said; I got to see my friends go home.
I didn’t really think about it hard, but these were my little friends. I couldn’t remember them, but I remembered that I loved them. That they were something that made me happy, and made my very sad mother happy when I was little. They were funny, they were going through a very bad time and they were still being nice to each other and doing their best. They laughed, cried, cried some more, laughed some more. They drank, but in a safer way than what I knew of it at home, so it felt okay. They hugged, they fought, they loved each other. Then they were locked away in a little memory in my heart, and they sat there for over a decade, nearly two. And then those lovely people that made my life a little bit better finally, finally,
Got to go home.
A catharsis.
Everything isn’t perfect, but all of us are somewhere better now. We have new problems. We have old scars. But the big bad is over. A little part of me healed. It was okay, finally. They got home. It’s okay.
And if I can pick up a show from the 70’s about the 50’s that’s also still about the 70’s and the Vietnam war about all war that’s also about love and family and surgery with a cast that’s almost all gone now that so painfully soldered its place in my heart that watching the end of it all put me in a puddle on the floor of my bathroom at 11 at night, if I can wait 15 years and still manage to rouse these old soldiers and send them home, a little cracked but finally safe,
I think B.J. Hunnicutt can drive those 3,000 miles to a little place in Maine to see his best friend.
#mash#mash 4077#m*a*s*h#mashblr#mashblogging#sorry gamers we're in our feels this morning just like we were at 2 am last night#it also helps explain why im riding this hyperfixation so hard. not only am i unmedicated#but also this show has a lot of latent emotions for me entangled with memories i didnt remember til recently#writing fanfic got my brain on the Writing train again and at roughly 1:20ish last night i started writing and couldnt stop#finally went to bed at around 2:10 am. way too late for me 1 is already pushing it#didnt tell anyone abt the bathroom thing after the finale and lied to my family that i didnt cry cause i was embarrassed#but we workin on that. we're getting Better#but yeah if its not legible i Apologize its just Me Brain with No Edits and Little Thought#and also 1-2 am so. not the sharpest. hence repeated phrases#godspeed god bless crags fail to trip your feet etc etc smooches#.yappin
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