#A reason some people may assume evil characters are always faking emotion is because they think genuine emotion is for “good people”

[irenespring]

It appears I have once again failed to notice the obvious "villainous character may have been fake crying in impactful interaction with other character for manipulation" option, probably for autism reasons. However, I will maintain that I was also right to ignore it because it's less interesting than the alternative.

Like I get the whole "ooohh incoming plot twist/betrayal" intrigue but come on. Look me in the face and say that's more compelling than the "character who has before shown no convincing empathy is suddenly hit exactly in their empathy weak spot and has no idea how to deal." Especially a schemer character who is used to perfectly controlling themselves. Now they have a weakness! That's a problem for them! It throws a wrench in their plans and they have to adapt! That's more fun than the villain's plan going off perfectly, surely.

[elyvorg]

So… I was talking about aspec V3 headcanons? Well then, let me lay down the facts.

Maki Harukawa is on the aromantic spectrum. Yes, even though she explicitly develops a crush on Kaito, and no, I’m not trying to dispute that part.

This is basically canon. Let me tell you why.

Maki is aro

For this, we need to consider the conversation Maki has with Shuichi in the first training session in chapter 4, while Kaito has temporarily disappeared to the bathroom. On one level, this conversation exists to be the only actual meaningful indication* that Maki has romantic feelings for Kaito until she goes and confesses them. Someone like Maki wouldn’t care about asking Shuichi if he “liked” Kaede (in that annoying loaded meaning of the word “like” that specifically refers to romantic attraction) unless she was trying to come to terms with the idea that she also “likes” someone else in the same way, and the only plausible candidate for that is Kaito.

But even more striking about this conversation, far more so than the general implication that Maki would only bother asking this if she happened to be crushing on a certain spiky-haired space dork, is the way Maki approaches and thinks about this whole topic in general. Take a look:

Maki:  “Well… I assumed you didn’t, because that would be weird. […] Liking someone you just met… especially in a situation like this…”

Shuichi:  “… Then tell me… under what circumstances is liking someone *not* weird?”

Maki:  “…Huh? I… don’t know. I don’t… really understand what that is.”

I, as an aromantic person myself, fully agree with Maki that it just seems weird to start romantically liking someone you’ve only just met, especially in a life-or-death situation where surely there’s way more important things to be focusing on. But apparently, most people do not find this thought weird at all – love at first sight is supposedly a real thing that can happen, and something something dangerous situations can bring out more hormones and passion???? sounds fake but okay – and so opinions like mine and Maki’s here are very much outliers.

And not only that, not only does the thought of crushing on near-strangers bewilder Maki to the point of disbelief, but she also can’t even come up with an answer to when crushing on someone would ever not be strange and bizarre. Like the whole concept is just alien to her. She can barely even wrap her head around how “liking” someone in that way even works. The very reason she’s even asking Shuichi about this is because she doesn’t understand why she’s feeling this way about Kaito.

This is how an aromantic person would view this kind of thing. It doesn’t sound even slightly like something an alloromantic person would say in this situation. That’s not up for interpretation – that’s just the truth about these views that Maki is expressing. Again: I’m aromantic. I would know.

Even from a character who then does turn out to nonetheless have a crush on someone, these statements are pretty much as canonically confirmed arospec as you can get short of them straight up using the word "aromantic" or a variant.** And, well, obviously Maki isn't about to go calling herself that. From the way she’s questioning this, she clearly doesn’t realise that her perspective is the outlier, so she’s probably never even heard of the term. Besides, she most definitely has way bigger hurdles to be getting over first in terms of her self-acceptance before she's ever going to particularly care about figuring out labels for her orientation of all things.

Aros with trauma are still aros

Now, granted, I severely doubt that Maki being arospec is what the writers intended to convey. Haha, deliberate aro representation in mainstream Japanese media, especially something more complex than vanilla aro, that's a funny joke. What the writers probably meant by writing this conversation I just discussed is to suggest that Maki is viewing things this way a result of her trauma.

But hey, guess what? Even if it is because of her trauma - and I'm not denying that it probably is - that doesn't make Maki any less aro. Some people are arospec because of trauma, and that's equally as valid a reason to be arospec as without. Maybe Maki would have grown up alloromantic if she hadn't been scouted as an assassin, but that's irrelevant, because that's not the Maki who exists now.

In writing this conversation, the writers were presumably attempting to communicate that Maki is so messed up by having been manipulated and abused and moulded into a soulless killing machine that she can no longer comprehend the idea of how or why anybody (especially not herself) would fall in love with someone when they'd only just met, or even really in any circumstances at all. …And in doing that, the writers unintentionally wrote a character who, as a result of her trauma, is aro(-spec). This is an objective fact about the canon story that does not change just because the writers probably weren’t aware enough about aromanticism to actually realise this.

Aros who feel romantic attraction are still aros

So, of course, Maki does in fact come to romantically love Kaito despite this. That fact becomes very important to her, and me lengthily explaining here that she’s actually arospec is not remotely trying to diminish that. But it’s also very important to me that people realise that Maki’s romantic love for Kaito comes from an aromantic perspective. She eventually chooses to embrace those feelings not remotely because it just feels to her like the natural way things should go, but despite every single conscious part of her insisting that this is weird and illogical and doesn’t make any goddamn sense to even be happening at all. She is not going to suddenly fall into all the boring romantic cliches and stereotypical alloromantic approaches to love just because she does in fact happen to be experiencing romantic attraction. There’s nothing alloromantic about Maki’s crush on Kaito.***

As for the specific flavour of arospec that allowed Maki to fall in love with Kaito anyway? This part is somewhat more up for interpretation because there’s no real explicit indication of this in particular, but I personally like to go with the idea that Maki is demiromantic. It feels appropriate for Maki’s character and trauma to imagine that she can only begin to potentially feel romantic things towards a person when she has an emotional connection with them – when she trusts them and knows that they trust her. It doesn’t necessarily have to take very long – she’d only been friends with Kaito for a handful of days before that telling conversation with Shuichi – and she may not even have to have consciously admitted to herself that she trusts them, but she needs to have that bond. She’s normally so guarded and has such strong automatic barriers up during her interpersonal interactions that seeing most people in a romantic light literally isn’t even an option in her brain.

Maki’s confession of her feelings for Kaito does read as rather strongly demiromantic, I think. She makes a point that this is about who Kaito is and what he’s done for her, before even getting to the part where she admits to having fallen for him. And she says she “fell for” him, not that she was always in love with him or anything to that effect. This happened somewhere along the way during their friendship, because of their friendship, and because of Kaito being his incredible trusting supportive self towards her when she needed it most.

Maki Harukawa is demiromantic, and she’s wonderful.

  ---

[some grumpy Amatonormativity and Aro Erasure 101 footnotes, can you tell I am bitter about this kind of thing]

(* When I say “actual meaningful indication” of romantic feelings, I mean something that isn't just the narrative infuriatingly pointing at things that are actually perfectly platonic in nature and going “ooh look how romantic~!”. Newsflash: worrying about somebody and wanting to rescue them when they're sick and injured and have been kidnapped by someone you think is an evil sadistic mastermind is not somehow proof of romantic feelings. That is a thing that friends do. And on the same note, teaching somebody how to build a crossbow is not some kind of deep metaphor for romance; it is literally just a lesson in how to build a goddamn crossbow. Maki would have done both of these things in exactly the same way if her crush on Kaito didn’t exist.)

(** It's exactly like how characters can be considered canonically confirmed same-gender-attracted when all they've done is show attraction to the same gender****, without them actually needing to explicitly refer to themselves with the word “gay”, or “lesbian”, or “bi” or whatever else. Anyone who tried to insist that was necessary in order for it to “count” would instantly be written off as homophobic. So if that’s the case, then a character explicitly saying something such as “I don’t understand what it means to like someone that way” equally constitutes them being confirmed aro, and trying to argue that it doesn’t “count” without outright hearing the word itself is, guess what…?)

(*** This also inherently means that there’s nothing straight about Maki’s crush on Kaito either, since societally-expected “straight” attraction is allo as well as hetero. I gather that some people in this fandom like to devalue and erase Maki’s crush (and potentially also Maki herself) because they feel that it’s an Obligatory Forced Straight Romance and don’t like that, or something along those lines. Well, good news! It’s literally not that, actually, because Maki isn’t straight.)

(**** …This only applies so long as it actually is very clearly romantic or sexual attraction and not just people deciding platonic affection is totally romantic thanks to the disease that is amatonormativity. Because, you know. That happens. Literally all the time. (Even from V3’s narrative itself; see footnote 1.))

[porcupine-girl]

Untamed Fic Rec List

Look, most of these are reasonably popular fics already, so if you’ve been in this fandom for a couple months you’ve likely read them. Which is not how I normally do rec lists, but I’m new enough to Untamed that I’m still reading through all the fics by authors I know from other fandoms plus ones that have been personally recced to me, so I haven’t made it into the deep dive of underappreciated fics that I normally like to rec.

It doesn’t help that one of these recs is 445K, so for like two weeks straight it was basically all I was reading.

BUT if, like me, you are rather new to this fandom and its fics, here are some good ones:

The Same Moon Shines Series by sami

This is the 445K behemoth, made up of 23 works, and is technically made up of three interrelated series. The first fic, which establishes the whole universe/multiverse, is 139K on its own. Basically, decades into the canon future, WWX invents time travel.

He goes back to being born, but is reborn with all his memories intact. And he fixes, like, fucking everything and it’s so, so fucking satisfying. Everything’s not perfect though - for example, he like lowkey (highkey?) traumatizes LXC by showing him his previous life via empathy and that has some consequences eventually. Featuring ace poly JC/LXC/WQ triad.

Then in a cracky subseries, appropriately called “ridiculous future bullshit”, we assume that the main six from this universe (WWX, LWJ, JC, WQ, LXC, JYL, & Lan Sizhui) all achieve immortality and find out what they’re up to in the modern day, where they’re revered in the Five Nations (this does a great job of staying in the canon world instead of ours) but of course white Western assholes do things like try and make a disney movie called Hanguang-Jun and the Yiling Patriarch where they marry LWJ off to a girl.

And then in a third subseries, which so far has only one WIP fic, we go back to the canon universe, find out that JC and LWJ were stuck there watching WWX disappear in his time machine array (so WWX actually split off into another universe, he didn’t rewind his own), and so they get into the array having no idea what it will do but wanting to chase down the asshole they love. And so a third universe is born, where they are both born with their memories but WWX is not. I absolutely love seeing how different their priorities are from WWX’s in terms of what they want to change in their new life.

(Also: This is technically a MDZS fic that usually goes with novel canon over show canon if there’s a discrepancy, so if like me you haven’t read the whole novel you might need to look up some plot points now and then.)

The Vermillion Ribbon by @unforth

AU where Wei WuXian was taken in by Wen Qing and Wen Ning’s parents instead of the Jiangs. LWJ (who is the POV character) is a super DUPER dick to him at first, like even moreso than in canon, but the speed with which he regrets his choices is breathtaking and extremely satisfying.

LWJ is a VERY unreliable narrator. He has absolutely no idea what is going on with himself or anyone else at any point in time. Eventually he at least becomes self-aware of this fact, and can at least go wait am I missing something? I think I’m missing several somethings but fuck if I know what. Wei WuXian not understanding this about him leads to some miscommunication, because WWX doesn’t get that LWJ needs absolutely everything spelled out to him in single-syllable words with crayon drawings and y’know, WWX isn’t going to be straightforward anytime he can pretend he’s TOTALLY FINE :D :D :D instead.

LWJ’s friendship with NHS is magical, and NHS in general gets 810% more opportunity to scheme and plot pre-time-of-NMJ’s-canonical-death than in canon and is honestly living his best life. It’s also valuable for LWJ to have a scheming friend because, aside from realizing he misjudged WWX, this is how he starts to figure out that he’s a dumbass who has no idea what is going on ever. But he can count on NHS to always be ten steps ahead, so it’s okay.

(ETA: I’m sorry, I made unforth feel like maybe LWJ was too dense, and no, he’s very much not stupid in general. Like, honestly the fact that he becomes so self-aware of the things he’s bad at, and does things like trust NHS to always understand the stuff he’s missing, makes him come off as very intelligent. It’s just in the specific realm of understanding anything that people say or do that isn’t 100% honest and straightforward that he is just entirely hopeless in a rather relatable way, and like I said, WWX’s go-to is hiding any and all pain so that is a bad combo.)

The Fire Lapping Up the Creek by notevenyou

This diverges from canon when WWX is on his way to Jin Ling’s one month celebration, but doesn’t bring Wen Ning along. So when Jin Zixun attacks it goes very poorly for him, poorly enough that Jin Zixuan thinks he’s dead and it’s reported back at Carp Tower as such. Sending LWJ into a dissociative state. He manages to break through to reality just long enough to find out that Jin Zixuan took WWX’s body back to the burial mounds and left it with Wen Qing, and to get on his sword and go directly there. Thankfully, it turns out that WWX is not dead, but only just barely so.

So LWJ stays there, because now that he spent some amount of time (he isn’t really sure if it was like five minutes or two hours, because dissociation) thinking WWX was dead he now knows that he should never, ever be anywhere but with WWX.

Honestly, it almost feels like a spoiler to say WWX doesn’t die, but there’s no major character death warning while there IS one for graphic violence so it’s not a chose not to warn either, so that’s technically not a spoiler. But things are touch-and-go for him for a very, very long time. And the romance is a slow burn with pining galore. And you get to see LWJ teaching A-Yuan to play the guqin, so like imagine being WWX and you wake up from almost dying to see that going on in your cave.

Velle: to will, to wish by @aerlalaith

This one is actually canon-compliant, and as it’s both quite a bit shorter and more straightforward, plot-wise, than the others, my writeup will be short but that doesn’t mean I loved it any less. Basically, it’s the process of LWJ deciding to adopt A-Yuan in the aftermath of WWX’s death. It starts just after he’s been beaten for turning against the other cultivators, and at first it’s mostly his grief and both physical and emotional pain. A-Yuan starts slipping in to visit him. and LWJ isn’t sure if he’s really okay with that at first.

Of course he becomes very okay with it, but the Lan elders and Lan Qiren and all aren’t just going to be like “ok sure you can barely walk you should def adopt a four-year-old of unclear origins who may or may not have something to do with your demonic dead boyfriend and the evil people he helped, that’s cool,” so it’s not that simple.

There’s a followup fic where, years later, LWJ chooses the courtesy name Sizhui and Xichen gives him shit for it.

save a sword, ride a socialist by sysrae / @fozmeadows

Continuing on my grand tour of Untamed fics by my fave writers from other fandoms, I get to enjoy having overlapped with foz on a third straight fandom which is just fabulous. I totally thought I wasn’t gonna read AUs and then this asshole comes along and writes AUs, which is not playing fair.

I especially love this because it’s modern day but much like ridiculous future bullshit it’s modern day in (more or less) a canonish world, not our world. So like, they fly on swords, but not long distances because it’s easier to take a train or drive rather than use up all that spiritual energy.

Lan Qiren and Jin Guangshan miss the old ways, though, and they think the best ancient tradition to bring back is arranged marriage! Because that will go over well with today’s youth. They try to make LWJ marry Mianmian but he’s like “um I’m gay” and LQ throws a hissy fit about that so Jin Zixuan (who is LWJ’s bestie and is fucking hilarious) hatches a plot for LWJ to cause LQ to stroke out by bringing WWX to Lan Xichen’s birthday party as his fake date.

But when LWJ and WWX meet up to talk this over, LWJ is instantly fucked because WWX has a small child with him and it turns out that this small child is the orphan he adopted. He doesn’t notice he’s fucked until a few days later, though, when WWX comes over for “kissing practice” and they fuck and he calls Jin Zixuan all “I think I caught a feel, what do?” and JZX is like idk, you’re a moron, don’t ask me to clean up your moron messes. And the next day LWJ buys a car seat.

Lan Wangji heard about Jack 110% Zimmermann and said “challenge accepted,” is what I’m saying here. And now I’ve written as much about this 33k fic as I did about the 445k, so I’ll shut up before I just recount the entire plot.

[tea-at-221]

The TJLC Debacle: 3 years out from S4 and counting; the copyright mini-theory; so much salt I’m bloated; but in the end, there is peace (I love you Johnlockers)

Ugh, don't even talk to me about Mary.

Don't even talk to me about the way Mofftiss have said they're sick of responding to fans on the subject of Johnlock. Of how they've said they're "not telling anyone else what to think or write about them" (as if they could stop us; as if they even own Sherlock themselves. Do keep reading, because this point becomes much more relevant and in-jokey later on). Don't even mention how they've bitched and whined incessantly because--god forbid--fans got *really really* into their show and emotionally invested.

They're so eager to discount all the beautiful little moments they wrote as accidents. And Arwel, who planted all those props, continually demonstrates that he's on their side (a not-very in-depth-analysis of his Instagram account and the way he interacted with fans towards the beginning of the pandemic showed as much, but I think maybe he’s grown a bit wiser and quieter since at least in terms of Johnlock and all things elephant-related. I don’t know for sure because I stopped looking.)

Anyway--they'd actually prefer for us to celebrate our own intelligence, is I suppose a charitable way of looking at it: our ability to make connections between things in the show; our metas on symbolism; our insightful fanfic; etc., and denounce them as the bad writers that they ultimately are.

More under the cut.

(This post may be of interest to you especially if you came to the fandom a bit later: multiple links to things of relevance/quotes/explanations appear both within and at the end of this entry.)

Because what makes a writer good?

Well, an ability to make people feel an emotional connection to their work, for one. I know this is just my own perspective, but if not for Johnlock, all my emotion about the show would evaporate. There wouldn't be much else there. Other people might get something, but I wouldn’t. Is some of the writing witty and entertaining regardless of any inferred/implied Johnlock? Yeah but, eh, a lot of shows have some good writing and I just don’t give a damn about them.

What makes a writer good?

Not making promises to the reader/viewer that they'll never keep. Plot holes, leading dialogue ("There’s stuff you wanted to say...but didn’t say it.” “Yeah”) never followed through on, puns that are apparently, I suppose, unintentional (e.g. "'Previous' commander?" "I meant 'ex'").

Uh, not writing continual gay jokes that aren't actually pointing toward the inference that people are making them because there's actually something going on there under the surface. (How about just don't make those jokes ever.)

Not being, apparently, oblivious (? questionable) to the queerbaiting they're engaging in *as they’re writing it.*

Acting like their LGBT audience is in the wrong/the bad guy, instead of choosing to remain respectful in the face of dissent. Instead it's just, "we never wrote it that way" / "We never played it that way."

A lot of those other mildly witty shows don’t actually blatantly drag their most passionate fans face-down through the mud the writers themselves created. Imagine that.

I'm not even a fan of Martin Freeman anymore, for the way he handled the whole thing (getting angry, the comments he made about how the fans made Sherlock “not fun anymore”...apparently Martin’s packing up his crayons and going home?)...no offense to anyone who is still a fan of his. I don’t make it a habit to drag him. I do to some degree understand his frustration with having the whole situation taken out on him--he’s just an actor in the show--but I simply wish he’d remained as cool and professional about it as Benedict Cumberbatch instead of pointing at the fans. You’re pointing in the wrong direction, mate.

What also irks me at the end of the day is this: the subsection of people who legitimately responded badly to the TJLC/S4 debacle and went above and beyond to harass the writers and actors/actresses on social media are *few and far between*, but we've been lumped in with them by what feels like...everyone, Martin included. TJLCers/Johnlockers (not the same group, but often treated as such) have been made to look like a bunch of rambunctious, immature, demanding children time and time and again in the wake of S4.

They'd rather, what, suggest John was so in love with Mary? THAT was the relationship they wanted to uphold in that show as so significant and...what, a demonstration of how honorable it is to respect your heterosexual relationship despite, you know...ANYTHING?

Yeah sorry, I don’t believe in that. John’s text-based affair, whether a disappointment for some as to his supposed character, was a very human reaction and I kinda sorta feel like I would have reacted MUCH more strongly than that had I been John. But nope. He stayed with Mary and was *ashamed* of his wandering eye. Ashamed that maybe he wanted to be admired by someone. I can’t think of a scene, off the top of my head, where Mary ever interacted with John without belittling him in some way--if not with words, then with consistently patronizing glances.

The message here is that heterosexuality is not just acceptable, but VALUABLE, however it manifests--but god forbid anyone see a queer subtext. (Why are lgbt+ writers some of the very WORST offenders where this is concerned? And they defend it! Is this childhood nostalgia/Stockholm Syndrome of the very fondest variety or what? Gay angst is all they got if they got anything at all, so it’s still good enough as far as “representation” goes?)

They really want to tell the story of John as so emotionally/mentally fucked up that he surrounds himself with unstable people time and again. They never give any reason *why* he might do that (which they could have done even soooo subtly), or delve into his past--just, apparently it's okay to assume that Sherlock's comment about "she's like that because you chose her" is exactly that.

No. Sherlock and Mary are NOT the same. Not...*remotely*!

Mary is underhanded and evil. She lies. She manipulates. She schemes. Her “love” is based on selfishness, and her assumption that John is a simpleton and hers to mold. She's in it for herself.

Sherlock hides. He prevaricates. He feels. He loves John. He does fucked up things in the name of love, but always for the benefit of those he loves. When he screws up, which he obviously does, it’s painful to us as the audience because we see that it is painful for him when he recognizes and regrets it.

I have never seen Mary regret anything. Those crocodile tears at Christmas? More manipulation. Inconsistent with anything else we were shown about her as a character.

To even think for a SECOND that people could ship Mary and John and mentally condemn John for cheating on Mary AFTER SHE SHOT HIS BEST FRIEND...as if marriage is the be-all-end-all free pass in which every sin must be forgiven until the end of time...as if John broke any covenant with his wife beyond those she broke from the very moment she walked into his life *with an entire fake past.* Is just. Well. It's asking us to accept gaslighting as healthy, loving, normal, *preferable* behavior, so...given the source that message is coming from, it's all a bit meta.

THAT. Is insanity. Maybe Mofftiss are the sociopaths.

How these men could write characters they themselves understand so little (or tell us they understand so little because their emotional maturity has yet to surpass that of the average three-year-old’s), I will never know. I can only imagine that they have absorbed, by osmosis over their lives, real and nuanced human behavior...then churned it back out again in their writing unaware, a bit like psychopaths who teach themselves what "normal" people do so that they can pass as psychologically sound in regular society.

Remember, we *are* talking about men who do these sorts of things:

Moffat says that Sherlock is celibate and that people who claim he's misogynistic when he does things like make Irene Adler imply she's attracted to the detective (even though she's a lesbian) are, ironically, "deeply offensive" (despite lines like "look at us both" in Battersea. We aren't your therapists, Moffat--we don't care what you meant, we care what you said, and what you *said* was clear. *Implying* it does not let you off the hook).

Gatiss has proclaimed that "I find flirting with the homoeroticism in Sherlock much more interesting" than the idea of ever making a show addressing LGBT issues. (That link is to a reddit forum, and I can't find the original interview anymore, but I assure you I had seen the actual article myself ages back and can't find it online again now along with some of the Martin quotes I wanted to link to. And nevermind what Gatiss has done with LGBT shows/issues since--my focus here is on what he has said, versus what he and Moffat have since claimed regarding their queerbaiting.)

Here’s a transcript of this screenshot:

"...many people come up and say they didn't realise." Despite this lack of public awareness, being part of the gay community is clearly important to Gatiss: "The older I get the more I want to give something back. I mean, I keep meaning to do something." When asked if he'd be interested in making a series about gay issues his response was enlightening:

"No, I don't think I'd make a kind of gay programme. It's much more interesting when it's not about a single issue. And equally, I find flirting with the homoeroticism in Sherlock much more interesting. Of course this reflects the grand picture of everyone's strange make-up; there are good gay people and bad gay people. I wouldn't like to make an issue film around the culture of being gay."

Instead Gatiss' interest seems to lie in making a drama where sexuality is, if not mundane, part of the wider framework: "I'd quite like to do something about a quite happy, ordinary gay person who's just incidentally gay. For example, a three-part thriller for ITV where the lead character just happens to be gay; when they finally go home, say 45 minutes in, and they had a same sex partner. That to me would be genuinely progressive. It wouldn't be a three-part gay thriller for ITV. It would be that this character just happened to be gay."

--End article quote.

And instead, who is canonically gay in the series? Well, Irene Adler. The innkeepers at the Cross Keys. And perhaps most notably, the *villains*, because that's a helpful trope: Moriarty and Eurus are, in S4, both implied to be at least bisexual.

Any character should be able to be any sexuality, this is true. But can we have some main characters, the good guys, give some good representation? Can't we start making that the standard, rather than the villains and the background characters? Because so far, that is the exception and not the rule.

Writers need to be aware of the damage they are perpetuating. We are not quite in a world yet where any character should be able to be any sexuality but isn't, yet we have no problem with saying the villain is LGBT+ or looks different/functions differently than much of the viewing audience.

"Male friendship is important and valid, not everything has to be gay"--this is a popular point with casual heterosexual viewers (and, to my chagrin, some of my LGBT+ friends) who don't fully grasp what "queerbaiting" is, often even when it's pointed out to them.

The lens of heterosexuality is real. My first time through watching BBC Sherlock, I didn't see the Johnlock at all. I had to look for it and read about it. When I saw it, the lens was lifted for me, and it changed my life and the way I view things forever (and for the best).

But back to my point about how little Mofftiss seem to understand their own story/most ardent fans, and then on to my other theory: in S4 it must be that they dropped their “psychopaths emulating empathy” act and indulged in their own "insane wish fulfillment" by doing away with all of the meaning, continuity, and sense. Right?

So, here’s the alternate theory. One which is not, please remember, in their defense.

Remember that S4 is what Mofftiss are *happy* to have us believe is what they'd do with these characters, given the chance to do whatever they wanted. I repeat, in Moffat’s own words: “Insane wish fulfillment.”

Okay I get it, this pasta has been over-salted.

Without further delay: MY COPYRIGHT RESEARCH THEORY THAT EVEN I DON'T PUT MUCH STOCK IN AND WHICH DOESN’T MAKE UP FOR THEIR CRUELTY EVEN IF TRUE

Part of me also raises an eyebrow at S4 as perhaps an example of the effect of the Conan Doyle estate on any modern production in the US. While it’s true that all of Sherlock is part of public domain in the UK and has been for quite a long time, Gatiss and Moffat still talk about it being partially under copyright. Specifically, the last 10 stories. I’m supposing that this means that because Sherlock airs internationally, or due to whatever contract the BBC has with the Doyle estate, they are still limited by the copyright as to what they can “publish”.

The Doyle estate is known for being a pain in the ass when it comes to abiding by copyright law as everyone else knows and practices it. They’ve tried to argue, for example (in 2013 and, much more recently, with the advent of Enola Holmes), that because Holmes and Watson were not fully developed as their final selves until the conclusion of all 10 stories still under copyright, then perhaps the characters themselves should still be protected, basically, in full.

It’s true that certain elements of the remaining stories are still under copyright here in the US (Watson had more than one wife--uh huh, we have that to look forward to, Johnlockers; the Garridebs moment is still under copyright--yeah, I’m getting to that too; and Sherlock didn’t care much for dogs til later so that’s not allowed either, fuck off Redbeard), but the estate’s problem in 2013 seemed to be based around a fear that *gasp* some day--if not right now!--anyone could write a Sherlock Holmes story in any way they pleased, changing the characters however they wished to and giving those characters “multiple personalities.”

See the following excerpt from the Estate’s case:

“...at any given point in their fictional lives, the two men's characters depend on the Ten Stories. It is impossible to split the characters into public domain versions and complete versions.”

(Click for full transcript.)

Obviously, by this point, that’s been done in multiple iterations. So I dunno. Their argument was *more* than muddy to begin with--they just grasp at straws to stay in control, it seems.

But okay. Backing up: wasn’t there sort-of a Garridebs moment in S4?!?? you cry. Yep. But imagine this: the Conan Doyle estate taking Mofftiss to court to argue that they depicted the Garridebs moment--a moment still under copyright--in The Final Problem.

Did they, though? Did they really?

The fandom cried out about the ridiculousness--the utter disappointment--of that moment when it was shown. It was not what we would have expected/wanted. We didn’t see John injured, Sherlock reacting with tender outrage to the good doctor’s attacker.

Instead we saw some ludicrous BS that was as bad as the clown with the sword-gun-umbrella. More of that.

I think Martin probably found that it was easy to produce real tears when he thought about how fucking terrible the S4 scripts were.

Ahem. Yet, this all seems very Mofftiss-flavored in terms of humor.

I can all-too-easily imagine them saying, “HA. We’re going to show some of these supposedly copyrighted things--and if they take us to court, they’ll be laughed out of the room.” Could that explain some of the overall S4 fuckery?

Sherlock wasn’t supposed to like dogs til later stories, as previously mentioned-- is that why Redbeard pulled a “Cinderella’s carriage” and transformed into a pumpkin (Victor Trevor)? Hmm. Sigh.

It...doesn’t actually appear that the estate has any qualms about taking laughable stuff to court, I mean...*shrug.* They have the money to do it, and money is the name of the game, because you’ve got to pay for rights (cha-ching sounds).

Yep, it does seem that the estate is open to the copyrighted materials being made reality, but who knows for what price or with what caveats. The BBC isn’t, so far as I’ve ever heard, known for throwing money around. Early Doctor Who would be so much less entertaining if they’d had any sort of budget. (And in fact, more of the older episodes would exist, but apparently the BBC--in part to cut costs--reused some of their tapes.)

My bottom-line bitter is this: Mofftiss do like to amuse themselves. To please themselves and no one else, as they’ve shown time and again. Sure, they could do whatever they wanted with S4...and they did...but they were also cruel about it, and that’s what I’ll never forgive them--OR the BBC--for.

A lot of fans gave up after series 4. I was very nearly one of them. I was angry, like just about every other Johnlocker and/or TJLCer, but I was really truly heartbroken. I couldn’t look at fanfiction. My days were full of bitterness and I keenly felt the lack of the fandom outlet that had become so essential to my mental well-being. I didn't know how to overcome the disparity between TJLC and what the show actually was. I didn't know how to separate the things I loved so much from the shitty writers and the way the BBC handled things with their whole response letter (that atrocious, childish blanket response they sent to everyone who complained about S4, not just the Johnlockers/TJLCers. Related to your complaint or not, if you filed one post-S4, this was the response you got). I still boycott BBC shows/merchandise, just by the way.

I tried to link to the blanket response letter but the link didn’t want to work (it’s an old reddit post; I had difficulty finding a copy of the letter elsewhere though at one point it wasn’t so hard...Google is weird these days y’all...tell me it’s not just me) so here’s a screenshot:

Transcript:

“Thank you for contacting us about “Sherlock”.

The BBC and Hartswood Films have received feedback from some viewers who were disappointed there was not a romantic resolution to the relationship between Sherlcok and John in the finale of the latest season of “Sherlock”.

We are aware that the majority of this feedback uses the same text posted on websites and circulated on social media.

Through four series and thirteen episodes, Sherlock and John have never shown any romantic or sexual interest in each other. Furthermore, whenever the creators of “Sherlock” have been asked by fans if the relationship might develop in that direction, they have always made it clear that it would not.

Sherlock’s writers, cast and producers have long been firm and vocal supporters of LGBT rights.

The BBC does not accept the allegations leveled at “Sherlock” or its writers, and we wholeheartedly support the creative freedom of the writers to develop the story as they see fit.

We will of course register your disappointment.

Thank you for contacting us.

Kind Regards,

BBC Complaints Team

So how about that? *Did* they “register our disappointment”? We can actually check that. The BBC’s website has a monthly summary of complaints received. So what did they receive in January 2017, the month S4 aired?

Huh, what do you know. Sounds like that blanket response was exactly the “fuck you” it came across as.

But the show--the FANDOM--had filled a need in my life, and so I had to own that and make it mine, or just...let something in me die: something that felt like an actual vital organ. I had to decide that these characters mean something to me beyond what anyone else tells me they should. I had to accept my own perceptions as truth, as I do with everything else in my life. I had to overcome the idea of canon as law (BBC Sherlock isn't canon anyway; ACD is canon. BBC Sherlock is, in the end, badly written fanfiction--or--worse?--decent pre-slash fanfiction distorted by consistent lies and the hazing of the LGBT audience, topped with the dumpster fire of S4′s incoherent nonsense).

I had to take the good and throw away the bad, just like anyone else who chose to stay. The good bits of the show...dialogue, yes. Plot points, yes. These awful writers did write some good stuff sometimes.

They just broke all the unspoken rules of what not to do to your audience. And then did and said everything they could not to apologize, and to justify their own failings. Which, in the years since I began shipping queer ships beyond any others, I have unfortunately experienced more than once.

So, my vulnerability has been yeeted into the vacuum of broke-my-trustdom: no one can tell me what things should mean to me. I will decide.

I decide that all of the FUCKING AMAZING writing in the Sherlock fandom is a staple in my life that makes it worth living. And that that's okay. And takes precedence over anything the writers or anyone else associated with the show could ever say or do.

Johnlock can not be taken away. It doesn't belong to them. It never did, even if they brought us to it. It belongs to us. To the group of amazingly creative, brainy, empathetic, resourceful, vibrant, resilient people who make up this fandom.

So thank YOU, all of YOU, for giving me Sherlock, Johnlock, and TJLC.

I am SO SAD for those who never found a way to make peace with this fandom again. Let me just say that I understand that inability entirely.

I am fortunate that I found the ability in myself to cling to the joy (something it has taken my whole life to be able to do). I hope others will who haven’t yet but wish they could.

Let Mofftiss and whoever sides with them stay angry and bitter and vicious, always looking over their shoulders for anyone who dares to whisper about subtext.

I’m proud to be part of what they’re whispering so angrily about.

Thanks for sticking it out if you made it this far. I know this was very self-indulgent and rambly.

Articles of interest:

A Study in Queerbaiting (Or How Sherlock Got it All Wrong) by Marty Greyson

“We never played it like that.” - Martin on Johnlock

Henry Cavill on the Enola Holmes lawsuit

More on that--and by the way Sherlock isn’t allowed to like dogs

The way Sherlock creators told fans Sherlock & John aren’t gay is so rude

Especially for those new to the fandom who may not know the distinction between TJLC and Johnlockers and want to know more about TJLC's evolution/what it is/meta through the years

Moffat's view on asexuality, offensive to me in particular *as* an asexual person (same article where he claims he isn't misogynistic): "If he was asexual, there would be no tension in that, no fun in that – it's someone who abstains who's interesting."

Yet he says Sherlock isn't gay or straight and that he's trying to keep his brain pure which is a "very Victorian attitude"

(Nice historical research there, Moff--actually the Victorians were sex-positive).

Sherlock fans were robbed of the gay ending they deserved

Benedict Cumberbatch has lashed out at his Sherlock co-star Martin Freeman over his negative attitude towards fans

BBC complaints January 2017

Martin Freeman: 'Sherlock is gayest story ever'

From 2016: UNPOPULAR OPINION: "Sherlock" Isn't Sexist or Queerbaiting; It's Actually Trying to Stage a Revolution

Queer-baiting on the BBC's Sherlock: Addressing the Invalidation of Queer Identities through Online Fan Fiction Communities by Cassidy Sheehan

[wren-rambles]

No messy. No fussy. Just Missy.

Here it is, the long awaited character analysis of Missy a.k.a. ‘the Master’. For reference I will be using information from sources outside the show! Such as ‘The Missy Chronicles’ and detailing’s of the audio stories.

I know this has been a long time coming, but it's here now!

First off, it is impossible to isolate Missy from the Master because they are the same with some physical differences as well as some minor personality differences. So, I must start off with the fact that In general the Master (as a whole) only ever does things that suits their needs and their purposes, or that simply will entertain them. Therefore, there are no differences between Missy and other Master’s OTHER than 1. she identifies as she, 2. she is calmer, more poise if you will.

In the very beginning of Missy’s incarnation, she awoke on a Mondasian Cyber-ship with no recollection of why/how she got there.

What’s in a name?

One of the first things the Master does after a regeneration is go the the Scoundrels (a gentlemen’s club for evil doers such as them-self). At this point Missy hasn’t picked a name for herself, so she is nameless). Upon going to and taking her usual seat, she is met with sexism and thrown out of the club. Of course this makes her angry, so she goes on a journey of revenge. On this journey she meets a woman called Saffron (a freed slave from Southern America during the 1700s); it is here in which Missy picks her name. In conversation with Saffron, Missy mentions she was called ‘Master’ and Saffron says “You’re all masters here [...] even the mistresses,” which piques Missy’s interest and gives rise to her calling herself ‘Missy’ (short for Mistress). Missy recruits Saffron and uses her to help aid her in her revenge à la Master style. She goes on to kill every member of the club. The members she didn’t kill she brought back in time and sold into slavery after releasing some slaves so that she could replace them. (So, yes she freed slaves but we aren’t sure what she actually did with them and there’s almost no way they would have been safe if simply released).

Missy commits the acts of revenge against those who have wronged her. Nothing that could be considered ‘good’ can be equated as good due to her malicious motivations behind them.

Dealings with Gallifrey

Missy’s TARDIS is broken! the Eye of Harmony (EoH) has been shut down, locked by Gallifrey, only to be turned on if she does their bidding. So, Missy is recruited by the General and accompanied by Yayani to sneak into the Kyme institute to stop them from using a creature that has been engineered with “time-and-space-travel capability” and with this type of creature it could cause problems throughout time and space. Disrupt the balance, paradoxes, etc. This creature was also born/created to be pregnant so it had the instinct to survive. After some manipulation of Yayani based on her past and hatred for Rassilon (she tried to kill him -> forced to work for him) she is coerced into killing the Doctor who created this creature. Then as expected Missy releases the creature (not for good reason, sorry) and replaces the Eye of Harmony in her TARDIS with it. She imprisons the creature to power her TARDIS, she is no longer reliant on Gallifrey, and to send a message she kills Yayani via Tissue Compression Eliminator and sending her body to Gallifrey and a message ‘Not your puppet’

The many complexities of Missy

Clara: Initially she manipulated her into calling the 11th Doctor and caused them to meet. Then she places an ad in the paper to keep them together after 11s regeneration into 12. She does this to create the Gallifreyan Hybrid of myth out of the both of them. Missy kills Danny Pink by running him over with a milk float.

Lucy Saxon: Missy tells her that she must shoot Harold Saxon, but keeps the information that Lucy will die to herself. She also requests that the matrix slices Harold had acquired be given to her now for her purposes. 

With these slices she creates the Nether sphere where the undying minds go. (3W) The reality altered the minds and removed emotions. Missy uses these to fill Cyber coverted bodies. She creates her army of cyber men and plans on converting all the soon to be dead humans into Cybermen. To prove a point she turns control over the army to the Doctor, she wanted him to take control and use the army to prove that their similarities. Much to her dismay he turns control over to Danny who orders the Cybermen to destroy themselves. Plan foiled, Missy fakes her death in order to escape.

Missy even tries to manipulate children into furthering her causes and schemes to gain power. (’Teddy Sparkles Must Die’) This doesn’t go to plan.

Bottom line is that Missy is very smart calculated and complicated. She manipulates things through time to suit her needs or future needs. There is a constant struggle for power. 

Moving on, Missy is put on trial for her crimes and sentenced to death. The Doctor was chosen to carry out the execution, but he faked her execution and decided to put her in a vault instead to guard her body. His goal was for her to realize her wrongdoings and become good. After a long time Missy ends up shedding a tear for all those she had killed/hurt, she also claims that she regrets her actions.

As a test the Doctor has Missy perform maintenance on the TARDIS while he is away. She waits for him. This is 12s cause to free her from the vault. He decides he can trust her. They each contemplate whether or not they can be friends again.

The thing is, the Master and even Missy are no strangers to playing the long game. It’s questionable whether or not her change is really genuine.

Then we come to Missy’s end. 

As a test, 12 sends Missy on a test mission to see if she really has changed. She is ill prepared and under her watch Bill is shot and carried off to floor 1056. Missy and 12 went to said floor together. 12 leaves Missy to gather information and she learns the ship is Mondasian. Missy ends up going along with ‘Razor’ (Simm!master) only to eventually claim she was playing him. She quickly admits that she is unsure of her allegiance. 

The Doctor tries to convince Simm!master to help him save the people because it is the right thing to do but he doesn’t then in private with Missy, she reveals that she wanted to stand with him and help him but couldn’t. The she leaves with Simm! As they were about to leave Missy stabs Simm! forcing his regeneration into her. Missy reveals to him that she planned on siding with the Doctor which angers him.

By now it’s apparent that she has changed. She leaves to help the Doctor, but it ends up killing her. Simm! shoots Missy. Thus Missy dies. She dies and the Doctor believes she always went back on her change, but really she was just too late.

Missy tries to change for the better. She ultimately wants to stand with the Doctor, finally they end up on par with each other. level ground, standing side by side finally. But she’s too late. 

The Master is just to disgusted with the idea of standing with the Doctor on his moral high ground. It’s about bringing him down, not climbing them-self up.

Sidenote: Missy through a complicated event become the Lumiat! Another incarnation who claims to be good as a result of the Doctor’s teaching/influence. She herself tries to be a good influence on Missy. This version foils may of Missy’s plans but ends up having to regenerate because Missy got bored of her. It is after this that we assume that Dhawan!Master comes about.

So, what does this all mean? Is Missy good? Well, no, she is still at the core the Master who is inherently bad. Is the Master capable of change? That really depends on which Master you are talking about. Missy, yes. Simm! no. Dhawan, I also believe no. A calmer more poise Master, yes.

The most tragic of all, is that Missy (and the Lumiat) is a moot point. The Master always goes back to being evil. Dhawan is proof of this, regardless of Missy’s learned lessons or changes they are always meant to go back, their need for power is too strong not to.

This is NOT an ultimate conclusion, this is based on the information we have been given thus far in the Master’s/Missy's history!

[quixotic-dragon]

Kokichi Oma’s Crocodile Tears   (MAJOR DRV3 SPOILERS)

Ah, good ol’ Kokichi Oma. The Ultimate Little Shit- and a controversial little shit at that! I’ve recently played v3, and Kokichi is the one character who always seems to be on my mind (aside from my fav, Keebo, of course) because he’s such a mystery. We never get to know what’s going on in his head, at least not openly, and many players are led to assume that he is a malicious troublemaker, or even an outright sadist. 

I’m going to take a moment to analyze Kokichi specifically during that infamous scene at the end of Chapter 4 because that is all that’s been on my mind as of late. 

Underneath the Keep reading, there WILL be major spoilers for the entirety of v3. There will also be a very long essay, but I will do my best to break it up so it is easier to read. Read at your own risk.

So without further ado, here is my analysis of and my thoughts on Kokichi, his actions, and his character circa Chapter 4:

INITIAL REACTION:

Before I go into how I feel about Kokichi now, I’m going to have a discussion about my thoughts on him while this scene was playing out. (I know my exact feelings because I was liveposting in a discord server as I played, haha)

At this point in the game, the player does not yet know that Kokichi is not the true mastermind, nor do they understand what Kokichi means by “winning” the game. 

I had personally been spoiled of who the v3 mastermind was (thanks a lot danganronpa wiki), so I recognized that Kokichi wasn’t the mastermind, however I did not recognize that he was trying to win the killing game via unconventional methods. So from my point of view, Kokichi had just intentionally murdered Gonta (and Miu) just to increase his chances of winning and had the nerve to shed fake tears over it. I was furious! (behold, my fury!)

Kokichi sobs over Gonta’s death, and I interpreted this as entirely fake tears. One of my friends suggested, “i feel like there was a difference between like his / crocodile tears and this.” 

I was enraged at this suggestion and stood beside my initial reaction because I felt that there were no signs that Kokichi never cared for Gonta as anything more than an asset, so I could not trust Kokichi to have any real remorse for his death with such a manipulative relationship having existed. (Massive disclaimer that this is my interpretation of their relationship; if you have a different interpretation, that is totally fine and valid!)

At this point, I considered why Kokichi might be crying so intensely even if it was an act, and came to the conclusion that if there was any sort of truth in those tears that Kokichi would be upset for a different reason than Gonta. He would be upset because he was truly alone. Not a single living person wanted to spare him the time of day besides Gonta. And now that Gonta is dead, nobody wants Kokichi. Even though I was fully convinced he was a sadistic, evil bastard at this point, I still figured that he must’ve felt some sort of sudden and crippling loneliness realizing that the only person who cared about him in the slightest was dead.

This interpretation of Kokichi I had really didn’t change much until after I had finished the entire game and stopped to think about Kokichi a bit more; his heartfelt final words to Kaito felt like lies to convince him to play along (blackmailing Maki certainly didn’t help with that much either), and his whole trick felt less like him trying to help and more like him just trying to cause chaos for the hell of it in my mind.

So, in conclusion, my initial reaction to the Kokichi scene? I thought Kokichi was a heartless bastard whose only remorse could be crippling loneliness. Although my initial analysis while I was still playing was quite interesting, I have some different opinions on it now that I’ve taken a step back and viewed the game as a whole.

KOKICHI ONLY WANTS YOU TO THINK HE’S EVIL:

Surprise! Kokichi isn’t a sadistic fuck! Crazy right? 

Well, not really if you’ve watched/read any Kokichi analysis ever. However, Kokichi’s act seems to be a common thing that many casual players of v3 fall for. I certainly fell for it when I played, as you saw above!

It isn’t until far later in the game that it is revealed that Kokichi is the “supreme leader” of a pacifist prankster club (DICE), and it isn’t revealed until the end of Chapter 5 that Kokichi actually had good intentions in setting up his mastermind persona (although, as seen above, those good intentions are still very easily interpreted in a bad light).

So why does he bother to so obviously cry wolf at Gonta’s death just to double back on his persona ten-fold as soon as he’s called out on it? Because he’s just trying to sell his mastermind persona, not only to the other characters and the mastermind, but to the player themself. This is intended by both Kokichi and the writers themselves, made obvious by the fact that we get no real evidence of Kokichi being a benevolent person until long after this scene. (There are many moments in earlier chapters where Kokichi is trying to be helpful to the group or to a specific character, however every time he attempts this, it is painted in a negative light because he is either going against the protagonist’s will or achieving things in a more underhanded manner via lies or provocation). 

When I saw Kokichi crying for Gonta, my first thoughts were, “I am going to THROTTLE this fucking BASTARD.” Because even if those tears were real, Kokichi was still the one fully responsible for Gonta’s death, so I felt that he had no right to shed tears over it. If it weren’t for Kokichi’s crying during this scene, I would have been very suspicious of how suddenly his evil villain act amped up. If he hadn’t shed tears that were so obviously fake, I would not have been nearly as enraged with him, and therefore not nearly as willing to just accept the fact: “Well. Guess he’s evil now.”

Whereas I would’ve chalked the scene without crying to bad writing, the viewers of the killing game, and by extent the mastermind, would garner suspicion towards his actions. Although Kokichi was not aware that Keebo had direct contact with the outside world, he was very aware that the killing game had to have been broadcasted to somewhere. He had to ensure that he was as convincing as possible; that meant no “bad writing” mistakes could be left anywhere.

I stand by what I said before in that Kokichi’s crying in this scene is just a bunch of crocodile tears. However, with new context and information surrounding the situation, they probably weren’t devoid of emotion. Kokichi only allowed himself to cry here in order to properly double back on his new mastermind persona, however, unlike what I believed before, he most likely did feel remorse at the deaths of Gonta and Miu. He just broke his last standing moral code: don’t murder people. And he broke it by indirectly causing the deaths of two people he may have considered to be his friends. That’s heavy stuff! 

Kokichi is faking these reactions to the trial because he has to if he wants to deceive everybody. But... the best acting comes from the heart.

LONELINESS AND GUILT:

As I covered in my initial reaction to Kokichi’s breakdown, I felt as though he couldn’t possibly have any remorse for his actions, so he must have been devastated knowing that he would now be truly alone. This view was heavily influenced by Shuichi’s words after the trial... because they were true. 

After Kokichi criticizes the group for coming to Kaito’s aid, Shuichi turns around and tells Kokichi that he is the pathetic one because he will always be alone. There are no lies to these words. Now that Gonta is dead, and now that Kokichi has gone so far into his persona, not a single person wants to even be near him.

Now that I’ve established that Kokichi’s actions post-trial were most definitely an act and not representative of his true feelings, we can discuss what his true feelings may have been. I come back to the idea of Kokichi fearing being alone because, hey! My past ignorant self was actually onto something!

The acknowledgement that Kokichi feels remorse for his actions just makes this situation even sadder for him; not only did he just indirectly murder two people and has to put up with the guilt of that, but now, nobody cares about him either. Not that anybody in the cast cared for him all that much in the first place (aside from Gonta), but Shuichi’s words to him here seal his fate as the permanent outcast and assigned villain of the group. He had already been struggling with loneliness throughout the beginning chapters of the game, and now Shuichi - the only person he finds truly trustworthy (according to his little whiteboard, at least) - is confirming to him that nobody wants him. Ouch.

I am personally led to believe that a large part of the reason that Kokichi ends up sacrificing himself in Chapter 5 has a lot to do with the broken feelings he would’ve had under the combined guilt of his actions and the crushing reality of loneliness.

Would Kokichi have offered to sacrifice himself anyways given the circumstances? Probably, yeah. However, the way he was so accepting of his death reminded me a lot of Kaede in Chapter 1; she couldn’t allow herself to take the First Blood Perk because she felt that she had to atone for her sins, or she could never live with herself. Kokichi seems, in the moment, to be more than willing to die, perhaps for the same reasons. Not only would be feel like he has to make up for the deaths he caused, but he would also feel like he had nothing left to live for, at least not within the academy anyway.

Or maybe he was just tired from the poison, not from life. But who’s to say? We can’t see inside of his head.

FINAL THOUGHTS / CONCLUSION:

OK, so some final thoughts before wrapping this up: Holy shit, Kokichi is an asshole.

Even knowing the emotional turmoil Kokichi must have been going through, it was still infuriating to see him treat Gonta so poorly in Trial 4. Perhaps it was just a part of his act as well? Regardless, it really just did not sit with me well. Under no circumstance should Kokichi be continulessly yelling at Gonta while he’s crying from the insults, for real. But hey, at least if it was just another act from Kokichi, then he can rest easy knowing he certainly had me fooled.

...

So, in my opinion, Kokichi’s infamous breakdown was entirely fabricated. He had to fake both his tears and his sadism in order to fully convince the world that he was a force of pure malice in order to get away with what he had planned. However, despite his apparent change in personality, he never really was sadistic, and may have even cared for the people around him till the very end.

That’s all I guess  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[iyliss]

Amongst many narrative tools, there’s one that ygo spin offs often use and that I like to call « unreliable narration ». In fiction, and in anime, we (spectators) assume everything we see/hear is supposed to be true. Things shown must have happened in some kind of way, and unless the character is pictured as lying, we supposedly can trust anything they say, even if they aren’t necessarely omniscient. This is a tacit rule in fiction, mostly there because second guessing everything would make the story pretty pointless. But sometimes, this rule is broken. A character can be sincerely deliver a wrong information (usually during exposition), a scene we directly saw can have been fake, and so on. Yugioh has many exemples of that (Zexal and Vrains comes to my mind but I can probably find more), and the point is usually mostly to create a surprise, a twist, or produce a strong emotion, and also create a bigger identification to the main characters (the viewer usually knows more than the heroes, this is a good way to have him feel as powerless within the story as the protagonists). Right now , I’ll be talking about one exemple of unreliable narration from GX. The two flashbacks Edo have of meeting Saiou, separated by around 30 episodes and much character development. The two shows the exact same scene, but the dialogues (and other visual aspects) are different, showing that the one was a fake memory Edo had of that moment. Even if both scenes show the same thing, they have very different meanings and utility in the story. The first one happens in the 67th episode, after Saiou reveals that Judai might be able to overcome his prediction, and right before Edo and him duels for the third time. It mostly is there to show Edo’s relationship with Saiou, and how important his destiny is for Edo. But it’s also the first time we have a little more information about Saiou (so far, he has mostly been a strange and kinda creepy fortune teller going around brainwashing people and talking about the light. We do not know his real motivation, his past, or anything else). The second scenes happens in episode 100. Edo just had defeated the D, accepting his father’s death and learning the light of destruction has possessed Saiou. Many things have changed at this point. Saiou has been shown as a good person, and his relationship with Edo as much more complex than simple manipulation. This new look of this moment, still from Edo’s point of view, show how much he changed the way he saw Saiou, but also serves as a good comparison point of how Saiou’s characterization changed from the earlier episodes.

I’ll first do a compared review with screenshot to focus on detail, then talk more broadly about that both scenes mean for Edo, Saiou, and their relationship.

Both scenes starts off with this same shot of Edo under the rain.

Beyond the scene being from his point of view, this first image immediately makes us situate the place (his father’s funeral) and have a first feeling toward him. A sad little boy alone unders a rain, we are supposed to feel empathy and care towards him.

Saiou enters with this line. The first thing to notice is the use of his name. The main point being, it prouves that this flashback is fake. Saiou could hardly know Edo’s name by that time, and wouldn’t act so familiar, except if it came from Edo’s memory where Saiou has always been very important. As for the rest. We have the key element here, fate, being thrown as an answer to Edo’s sadness (and will later become a strong support to Edo’s emotional stability), and kind of minimization of Edo’s feeling. Showing up like this, Saiou doesn’t really appear as a likeable character. He sounds sur of himself, and pretty much means that Edo’s sadness is meant to be which… isn’t a nice things to say to a crying kid.

Now, this same images but in the second flashback.

The first thing to notice is how differently Saiou talks here. I like to think that the Saiou from Edo’s memory doesn’t talk as strangely as he actually does (especially since Edo understands him well). Metaphors and indirect explanation sounds much more like him.

Beside that, we have a massive change in meaning. Sure, both refers to Edo’s sadness and are meant to help him overcome it, but here we have something much softer and positive, while uncertain. Saiou doesnt say « you are sad because destiny said so » (destiny isn’t even mentionned) but acknwoledge Edo’s sadness, how hard it is, but also that he may recover. All that through indirect comparison, that makes it even more soft. Saiou didn’t just come to talk about destiny, he first tried to be there for Edo while he was alone.

The difference between the Saiou Edo imagined and the real one is even more clear here. First, notice the time where he turns to look at Edo (and looking at each other is important for them, but that’s another topic). In the first flashback, it’s when talking about Edo’s talent (which isn’t even mentionned in the second one), then it’s when affirming that he will be there for Edo. There’s also a difference in uncertainty. The first Saiou knows about Edo and destiny, better than himself, while the other litteraly says he doesn’t know. We also have here the whole difference between their relationship’s basis (supporting each other in hard times and protection) and how Edo ended up viewing it as (Saiou guiding him, and revealing how special and talented he is).

When Edo had his first flashback, he still thought Saiou would give him a simple path to follow in order to be important. When the second one happens, he realized that they actually brought each other emotional support, but also that Saiou isn’t omniscient and that he was at that time just as lost as he currently is. Also, a little word on pronouns use. I haven’t rewatched all the episodes taking notes of that (and i by no mean know enough japanese to be sure of myself), but I can still say there’s an evolution of how Edo and Saiou talk to each other throughout the season. Edo uses kimi toward Saiou as a child, in both flashbacks, then later switch to anata during most of season 2, and goes back to kimi during the last few episodes. It’s a bit hard to say if the use of anata is to be interpreted in terms of distance (it’s typically used in polite forms) or as a sense of devotion/vulnerability (since it shows much respect). It’s especially important because when Edo uses anata, he mostly goes by omae for everyone else, such as judai (which he doesn’t respect at all), but changes to kimi as he softens (and around the time he changes for Saiou as well).

Meanwhile for Saiou. He tends to use anata only in very respectful situation (Saiou often uses completely polite forms, toward the teachers/directors but also toward Manjoume when he first meets him for exemple. I think it’s mostly about sounding professionnal and mature). As a child, he used kimi towards Edo, and uses that again when he talks to himn while they face the light in the last episodes. Before that, when they talk in that white room, and Saiou isn’t separable from the light, he uses omae towards him. And, in the fake flashback, child Saiou uses omae as well. This change of pronouns is probably mostly the light showing distance in another way, but it also further proof how Edo projected on his memories of Saiou his current situation with him, and how he doesn’t feel as close to him as they used to be. Also, the fact they ended up reverting to how they talk to each other as children (which is much more equal and close as such), is rather cute.

And the first flashback ends on this. Saiou’s purpose in Edo’s life (guiding him in fate), and this smile. Right next to that last line, it really gives the feeling that he was smiling because he had taken control of Edo’s life or something. It feels like an evil, gloomy smile, with surely bad intention behind.

And it doesn’t show that the reason why he’s smiling, is actually because the sun is coming back. This even further change the feeling of the scene. The first one had a sad conclusion on the ever pouring rain, while this one shows the sun coming back. And the creepy smile turns out to be much comforting and hopeful.

This is the one time Saiou talks about fate.  And, unlike the first time, it’s not something he puts on Edo rights away, but only for him, and also not something he controls (it’s his guide).

The last shot of Edo, no longer crying, and looking at Saiou in awe concludes the scene with a very positive feeling. It very much him feeling like he just witnessed a holy apparition or something (and that is also meaningful), but also leaves a good impression of both Saiou and their relationship. It also makes a transition with Edo looking also very shoocked after his flashback, realizing even more things about this moment.

So now, time for a little sidenote on the sound aspects of these scenes. Two things mainly stands out. First, the music. In both scene, we have themes that are strongly associated with Saiou through the series (and sounds… very mystical). They both have similar elements, but the first one is much more oppressing and gloomy, while the second one sounds more calm and sad. It’s a small detail, but just changing the music makes the scene shift from « meeting a mysterious and maybe dangerous personn » to « meeting a strange but helpful friend ». Second, Saiou’s voice. The first time, he sounds very assured and serious, like he knows and is in control, without much emotion. The second time, he sounds both more sad and comforting. The feeling we get from him is immediately different, and also makes him sounds more vulnerable.

We’ll have now some more global talk about what those two memories mean for both Edo, Saiou, and their relationship. I’ll probably repeat myself. But if you’ve come this far, I guess you don’t mind it. Also, I will mostly talk about the meaning of having this fake flashback in there, the real flashback alone is super interesting but on different ways.

So, Edo. These two flashbacks pretty much opens and closes his development and concludes how much he changed. The first flashback, on it’s own, is important in how us, spectator, view Edo.

Until then, Edo was shown as a rather unlikeable character. Dismissing others, disrespectful, just generally all proud and all, and even if we already know that his father died and he’s looking for revenge, it’s still written more as a tragic antagonist backstory than anything else. There’s one obvious message brought through that flashback. Protect Edo. Even if he was so unfair until then, the first shot reaches a level of pathos quite undefeated through the series. Even more meaningful when considering that, first off, this scene is right when Edo start distancing from Saiou (so, being a part of the group of antagonists) and just before he starts smoothing up to Judai and changes his way. This flashback marks a transition between « famous and mean antagonist » to « tsundere yet helpful deuteragonist », all that needing him to be shown as something we may want to support. Beside that, what Edo imagine Saiou saying mostly comes from Edo’s desires. When he says « you have an extraordinary talent sleeping within you » it may means two things.

First, Edo has kind of strange status as fairly important gx character : he’s normal. He’s surrounded with people having magical powers (seeing the future, talking to spirits, turning into a dinosaur…) or associated with some supernatural things (an antique and dark deck from a mountain, cards possessed by demons or aliens, people being possessed themselves…). Meanwhile ? Edo is normal. His card were made by his father, through a normal tcg process. He has no power, is never possessed or use some special things, and even bloo-d ‘s supernatural aspects are less used in his hands. Edo is completely normal, he just is so talented he can compete with exceptional beings. And, I believe imagining Saiou says « you have an extraordinary talent » is kind of his own wish to be as exceptionnal as Saiou (in a supernatural way). That he has something special too, something making him worthy  of being the most important in Saiou’s destiny. Especially since, at this point of the series, he grows very jealous of Judai being more special than him. At the same time, the lines is reminiscent of Edo’s obsession of following his talent (realizing his talent, in the same way). He wants to believe that, back then, he was already exceptionnal not just because of his abilities but for his future.  He wants to believe he has the potential to be a hero. It also explains his attitude as a pro duelist. He doesn’t think he’s there because of his hard work, training, love of duelling, no. He’s there because he’s much more talented than anyone else, that he’s inherently superior. Then, Saiou saying he will guide his fate. It feels even more ironical considering the hierophant is guidance, that Saiou met Edo hoping he would guide him. At this point, little Edo is lost, alone, without anyone to rely on. Even if Saiou didn’t say nor meant it, he saw him as the one thing that could protect and help him in this world. He needed to be sure of things, to be sure that it’ll be okay and that he had a destiny that someone would guide him toward. Edo strongly built himself and his belief on destiny, essentialy because it was his way of not being completely lost, and that includes a blind trust in Saiou and thinking he would always be right. Overall, it’s expressed in how assured Saiou sounds in the flashback. Edo saw him as a friend, but also as someone who « knew » and has some kind of power on things. Edo rewatching that moment after his development also shows his deconstruction and growth. Deconstruction because fate is no longer central in the discussion (and he realized it wasn’t a good think to base his life on), growth because he no longers sees Saiou as absolutely rights and in control. Actually, he might have realized at this point how Saiou was just as lost as him when they met.

It also shows a change in how he views his life. The first sequence has a very depressing conclusion. The rain keeps on, sadness is fate, implied that it will just go on and he may never lose the pain of his father’s death. Edo sees that memory in a new light, also because he has gain that hope. Now, it’s about how times are hard but won’t last forever, how mutual support is important, and it concludes with the sun coming back. And, the Edo who has that flashback did accepted his father’s death. He also became much more hopeful (especially upon meeting Judai), and realized focusing on only the bad things isn’t good nor what his father wanted. And, as he remembers, not what Saiou wanted either.

Now, onto Saiou. You probably realized it by now, the main thing from this fake flashback that is important about Saiou is what character he’s written as, how we’re supposed to view him, and the evolution from « wow he’s strange and creepy he surely is the villain here » to «he too is a child and should be protected ».

I won’t fully develop that aspect here but, in a way, Saiou didn’t had a big evolution throughout season 2 (or at least not as radical as it was for Edo, or even Judai). Most of his good actions are more proof of him gaining courage than gaining morals. By the end, it’s clear he was never evil, just very desperate and possessed, but also is behind some of the most important opposition against the light. The main evolution he goes through is rather on how people, characters, and us views him. To make it simple : Saiou is first shown as a typical evil villain, not just the light, just him as a whole. And that’s because he’s strange, talks weirdly, says creepy cryptic things, and apparently can know the future. Funnily ? That’s exactly why he suffered and grew desperate in the first place. Out of all of gx’s twist, one of my favorite has to be making us feel for a character something both kind of unfair, but that also he directly unfairly suffered from (and all the set of fun comparison i can make with that). Anyway.

Through small details , the first and second flashback gives us widly different impression of Saiou. I won’t review them all again, but it goes to a point where the same things have entirely different meanings just from a change of music and surrounding (this smile, Saiou turning to look at Edo after a few seconds….). But this first flashback also leaves room for interrogation. Why he cries, why he started talking to Edo like this, what is that talent, the scene brings much more questions than answers. The second one, it’s only answers. At the same time, we can compare the first few moments of the first flashback with the second part of the second one, which we do not see, where Saiou uses tarot. His tone, his speech, is similar to how he talked about Edo’s talent the first time (serious , prophetic, talking about Edo’s future). Yet, with what we’ve seen of Saiou before that, it feels much more heartwarming. But the fake flashback is also interesting from Saiou’s side because, while it is made up by Edo, it is likely how Saiou remembers that scene too. How they view themselves is extremely important for Edo and Saiou, and plays a big role in why they aren’t immediately on the good side despite not being bad people. Edo views himself as this vengeful heroes, with little concern for others and a lot for justice, destined to save someone important to him. He only breaks out of this when an exterior person (Judai) calls him out of it and he understands that it won’t bring him, nor Saiou, any happiness. Saiou is the same. He thinks himself as the same manipulative, dangerous, and uncaring monster that most people sees him as, and that we are meant to see at first too. It’s one of the reason why he takes so much time to separate from, and confront, the Light. He kinds of does that as a last resort, but he only truely realize it when Edo directly talk to him about it. And they do so by referring to that very moment. Saiou says that when he met Edo, he only thought about escaping his fate and used him too. He too felt like this moment was just him forcing « fate » onto Edo for his own benefit. The image Saiou had of that moment was probably the same as Edo at the beginning.

So, it’s the end of the part focusing on Saiou. Now onto some conclusion about their relationship, since I could hardly talk about one without having it about the other.

Their relationship itself is portrayed very differently in each time. In the first itteration, it’s mostly about Edo’s obsession, how Saiou apparently needs him for some kind of project, and how it is heavily based on manipulation. When the second flashbacks happen, their relationship had already changed, but mostly in what information we had about it and about both Edo and Saiou. And, just in that moment, their relationship feels much more heartwarming, based on mutual emotional support. Within the series, their location also has much different uses. The first one is when the questions are raised, when the mystery is brought, and the flashback comes from Edo’s doubt. Meanwhile, the second one happens when all things were revealed, and the final battle is coming. It is a reassurance. For Edo, it’s what assures him of what Saiou represents for him, who he is, and who he isn’t. Despise having destiny as a guide, they both were still very lost at the beginning of the series, and breaking out of it gave me actual convictions in life and themselves.

The real meaning of comparing these two flashbacks is to show the shift in how Edo viewed Saiou, consequence of his own character development. Many themes entertwins, many of them being strongly related to narration itself. Indeed, both Saiou and Edo had this vision of themselves based on typical characters that they weren’t exactly, but was also what season 2 was portraying them as. « Viewing », projection, is major throughout the season (how they are viewed by themselves, each other, other people, and us). In a way, the first flashback is much more simple, it’s a basic presentation of two archetypal characters. The second one is much more true to both what they became and what they were. In a way, « destiny » was also this narration. What, as character, they’re meant to be and do. And using a narrative trickery to show that evolution is pretty nice. The future isn’t sure, but the past isn’t either. Something like that.

[emptymanuscript]

One way to REname a character with internal story logic

I want to talk a moment about Zephyr.

Not the wind.

My character. 

(He wishes he was this tough) Not even really the person but his NAME itself, Zephyr, and how it changed.

One of the things I don’t mention too much just to avoid trouble is how extremely different Knights of Day is now compared to how it was originally. At its early height, Knights of Day peaked at 4 authors. The goal was in no way to publish or publicize any of it. It wasn’t even really meant to be any sort of cohesive story. Or even to consist of cohesive stories rather than “adventures” for fun. I’m not even sure I can tell you WHAT it was. It wasn’t quite a piece of fiction, it wasn’t quite a table top rpg, it wasn’t quite rp’ing. It was just its own behemoth of a thing that included all of those. Compared to 1 book and 1 book in progress now.

Case in point: Fun Adventure #3 was ~

Kinda John Edward but real & real evil

Set up: Most Mediums are terrible people who fake their powers to rip victims off when they’re at their most emotionally vulnerable. Because when you’ve just irrevocably lost one of the most important people in your life you’ll pay anything or do anything for the even the illusion of getting them back.

What if: Imagine someone who can really do everything they say they can do… but they’re still a terrible predator trying to take advantage of people when they’re at their most emotionally vulnerable - they just have more power to make it even worse.

Mission: Save young suddenly widowed mega-rich heiress Helena Lawson from real Medium but still conniving con-man Kenton Dean. Because the greedy, racist, no goo Ted Lawson doesn’t want Kenton Dean to get the money instead of himself. And Ted is willing to pay exorbitantly to make sure it doesn’t. So James and Zeferrello are tasked with finding any reason to separate Helena and Kenton.

Twist: Yeah, Kenton Dean CAN summon and control the dead but it’s so much worse than that. He can summon and control the GOD of the dead. Assuming, of course, that all of this isn’t the god of the dead actually controlling Kenton Dean for its own purposes.

Which Became The Hidden and the Maiden. But instead of a climactic conflict between James, Zephyr, Kenton Dean, and Kherty-Aken decided by force, force of will, and clever use of all magic available inside the seat of Kenton Dean’s power, his theater, “Kinda John Edward but real & real evil” ended with a mildly tense chat between James and Zefferello versus Kherty Aken just kinda hanging out, tensely, next to an ambulance. James points out that Kenton Dean has reprogrammed Kherty Aken like a computer to just believe all this BS. Kherty Aken realizes, Oh Shi-! he’s right, and flys away. Next day, paper says Kenton Dean is dead. So the general idea is there but just not at all the same when you look close.

As an aside, this is by the way why most writing teachers dismiss ‘ideas’ as the least important element of story telling. One version of this ‘idea’ I stuff under a rug and pretend doesn’t exist. The other I sell in paperback for $10 a pop. If the fundamental idea hasn’t changed really, why the vast difference in price? Because of the execution. And if execution is more than infinitely greater in effect 0 -> 10 why bother putting that much effort into the idea when, even if you only go to 5 through execution, that will have more effect than any idea will. I am not 100% convinced by this line of reasoning but it’s not meritless either. A bad idea well written will just get more in the marketplace of ideas than a good idea poorly written. A bad idea badly written is doomed. A good idea well written may or may not do as well as the mediocrity. So, I disagree that it is of zero importance but I do think it is certainly not the most important element for 3/4’s of all story types. Ok, that’s another post, enough asides.

The real thing I’m actually thinking about is the Zefferello to Zephyr change. Zefferello was Zephyr’s original name. The author who created the original character said specifically her thoughts were that she had never had any character under any situation whose name started with Z. So she wanted a Z character and she plucked the rest out of thin air because. And because it didn’t matter, that was cool enough. So he was Zefferello for the first few years of life. No particular reason why. Never mind that nothing in any back round of anything anywhere would give Zefferello as a name.

It was only as I was moving from the first to the second draft of The Hidden and the Maiden that it was really bothering me about this Korean-American dude with the abusive Super Whitey Mega Rich father, the utterly absent and possibly dead Korean Trophy Wife mother, and the abusive DID having ghost but still white mother. Why would any of them give him that name?

Well, the father might do it just to torture his son throughout life. He’s that kind of asshole. As little as he is in it, I actually think of Zephyr’s father as the Antagonist for Knights of Day because he is just pure dagnasty evil because he likes it. He may not appear most on the page or wield the most power - partially because he’s just not my favorite kind of villain, at all, his side-kicks is way more my speed - but there’s no denying he does the most damage. BUT, the father is also very image conscious. Part of what he likes is doing terrible things while other people praise him for it. For making people suffer but having no one believe them because he is such a paragon of virtue. One of his side kicks actually got James to just start punching him toward the end because he kept talking about what a saint Zephyr’s father was and all the haters just didn’t understand what a wonderful person he was and how hard he worked when he never had to to improve the life of others. If I recall correctly James literally held a knife on the guy and pointing to Zephyr: ‘you had to fucking know what that motherfucker was doing to him! You evil lying sack of fucking shit!’ So… torture wasn’t going to work for a reason.

So I’m looking for any great people in history with the name Zefferello. Nope. Nada. Is it by some miracle a Korean name that Eun Ae Gwon might have given him? Nope. No dice. And slowly all eyes  turn to JJ. JJ is nuts. There’s no getting around it. But I’m rarely happy with that as an explanation. Especially with JJ because most of what she does that SEEMS nuts, isn’t. The fundamental rule I made for JJ fairly early on is that she is ALWAYS up to something. She is playing every angle. She is working every leverage. She is a survivor in a way that most people will never be. She’s dead and she is still playing to win. So she will do things that appear unreasonable at point A in time in order to increase her odds of getting what she wants in point B in time.

And I’m looking at that name. That ello. That’s sounds latinate to me. And masculine. I already knew Zefferello’s real name at this point, and it had a Jr. at the end and I started wondering if maybe, just maybe, JJ gave Zefferello a different Jr. name. A name for the father that she wished Zefferello had. Instead of the one he did. He’s hers, and what better to claim a baby she would never hold than to rename him into a family that she wanted to exist but never did. That’s very JJ.

At which point I’m reviewing JJ’s history. It’s sparse-ish at that time. But I know when she got pregnant and I know more or less what happened to her from that point until she died. And there’s nothing in there to hint at a Zefferello Sr. But… there were already some hints about there maybe being a Zefferella. And of course that’s not a name either. But fiddle with the spelling and drop the “el” sound and you do get a Greek female name: Zephyra \

And that was the lightning bolt of inspiration and change. That JJ’s second and last love of her life was a fellow prostitute named Zephyra, and IF JJ could rewrite reality to be anything she wanted then her son would also be Zephyra’s - that they would be the family unit and the other would be the ghostly illusion. And with Zephyra as a real name, I also had a male equivalent: Zephyr. Sounds similar but much more plausible that he might somehow obtain it. Plus, with the idea of Zephyra, his name also becomes a key to unlocking tons of emotion and backstory.

And you’ll know it’s important the second that this repressed little guy walking around giving out the name of Zephyr Wayne, shamefully cringe-admits that his legal name is Peter Bailey Jr. That that exists at all says that there is a story to find down in there and that it isn’t a simple one.

So that’s one to rewrite a name based on the internal logic of a story. Zephyr’s name was researched and found but never picked out of a name directory. It was back-engineered to tell the story I wanted to tell and avoid the random story I didn’t. By following the logic that might lead to a name like his, I was able to find the one I thought was right for him.

And, since the original Cup Bearer was one of the winds, that also worked to my advantage… though it is generally considered the wrong wind. Oy. Which I’ll probably just end up deleting because Zephyr’s name is better for a story hook than anything I made with Thulebelore being the General of the Western Winds.

If you actually got here. Wow. Thank you. If you ever want to solicit writing advice, dropping a question in my ask prompts me better than whatever happens to occur randomly to my head. So, you know, that’s there.

[indomitablemegnolia]

I have been dragging this coffin around, like Django, for a while now, and for some reason American politics has to just keep poking at a seeping infected wound; as a psychologist I know that the best way to deal with certain emotions and PTSD is to talk it out, if you can talk past the ragged breaths.  Now I am not much of a talker but I do write; I was thinking that maybe letting this out into the world might help someone or perhaps not fatally wound them by reading. I just know I have been  keeping all of this way too close for way too long. I am going to try to do this so those who don’t want to know can avoid. I do add a bit of fantasy into it as my own default coping mechanism; so it is not just a barrage of horror. There are triggers... physical pain, blood, rape, and political triggers...this is me screaming into the void. If anyone reads this, I would hope that I could inspire a kind word.

Good god, what fresh hell is this? I swear that sometimes I have to just kick this evil darkness, beat it back, strike out with every weapon I have until it bleeds sunlight; oh, and when that first drop of sun falls I have to keep fighting until I am bathed in that healing glow, smearing it over my face, rubbing it in to my soul; reveling in the warmth of the end of a battle well fought and valiantly one worth the effort.  This is always a rough two weeks for me every year for well 19 years now… the tenth falls and it seems some note really minor catastrophe befalls me; there has not been a skip year, a stand out or a delayed year; I will not whine about the past, but for the past three years it has been a political horror show on top of the menial financial, health, or personal failing; I focus on the possible and look up, which usually lands me down a manhole but I can’t change my stripes. In these last three years the shit-show of a congress (and congress is both houses equally guilty) put on these shows of caring and disdain, evil in its fake almost after thought of un-electability. Kavanaugh sent me into a bottomless tailspin; something about a Judge rapist being put on the highest court in the land on the anniversary of my own…attack; not that I think it sits any better in the pit of my stomach any other time of the year, but now… again… and I just can’t breathe, they had made my life all of the things I still struggle to live through… a joke, a pawn, something to leverage each other with… I am sick; politics making life, again, not worth living; nothing mattered, the truth did not matter, their ignorance, their lies did not matter. I find myself feeling rather Wilde; I was left feeling, broken, forgotten, as if I do not belong anywhere; there was nothing to lose myself in and no escape even if there were.

This country, this world, has become such a small, terrible place; I cheat, and I excuse myself, as I escape only by avoiding reality, I love the world that I create; but once there was a moment, out of time, such a terribly long time ago that I bring the memory to life often; for a time I had sunshine, and flowers, mud under my nails and rich coffee and I apologized to no one for who and how and what I am; I live with no thought regularly to why I should not be here and who I should be; yes, I do know that eventually I will die here, being banished to that other world where indeed I know because of the impermanence of life it will be as if I never did exist; every broken molecule of me will parish, every inch, every thought, but one. That molecule, that inch, that thought, its small, its infinitesimal, its worthless if you asked most, but in this world of whit and worry it is the only thing worth having; it is worth all the worlds in all the universes.  I cannot lose it; I can not barter it or sell it and above it all it should never be given away. This world must get better, it must stop getting lost in all the things that are not real, such as money, race, all the false differences we draw between us; there is only one true thing about this world, there is no escape, so make your difference here and now.  I must tell you, now that you see me, you know part of my life, my story and because of that I hope you understand that I Love you.  I love you, despite never knowing your story, we may never meet, never laugh or cry together and I will never kiss or hug you, but I love you as dearly as my universe, as closely as a flesh and blood friend.

I love you.

It has been so many years, I hardly talk about it, but I warn you now this gets a bit graphic, but it is my story; this story is not being told for anyone else's campaign; it is not a #metoo. This is me taking a psychological victory, screaming my pain into this void like echo chamber; I know no one may hear me, and that is fine. This is one of Dante's hells I live in, wrapped deliciously in my favourite personal coping mechanism a piece of detached fiction that reads like a conversation between my super ego and my Id....

I sought freedom, the only freedom to be had in this world, music loud, the delicious truth of life’s simplicity; music is a true elixir, ideally it should be listened to at 60-80 decibels and 70 mph; everything can be made right if you just put the music on and the top down, drive 85 mph on a country road, as if you are trying to out run time itself. The sun low in the western sky; fat fluffy gray clouds float lazily over a layer of black, brooding, formidable clouds rolling in like the undaunting wall of night, mocking the artificial azure sky that lays at the last eighth of the sky, about to be swallowed up. Music playing too loud, I sang atonally along; the cool breeze of autumn playfully ruffled my hair as if I resided in a third visible universe in one place unattached to the storm or the artificial sunny day.  The little silver dream I drove was cutting through the country side; coming up on a slower moving rusted out pick-up truck I worked the gearshift, not laying off the gas, dropping to fourth to pass, galloping ahead hard and fast, leaving the truck behind.

Suddenly, for the first time in ages the world almost made sense, err, I suppose it is awkward saying that because the sense it made was tenuous and momentary at best. Escape possible only by way of ignoring the horrors; after a week like the last, a little sensical nonsense was called for.  I had to get away, I had to distance myself from the news and the bluster, the horrible reality; the reminders that weighed my heart, slammed my soul, obliterated my psyche; in my home, my home, the country I love, whose founding documents read of words like truth and justice; a vicious criminal is appointed to the highest court in the land; a man accused of raping three women; a charge that not so long ago would have precluded his admission; but that was then and this is now, basically more of a wild west, kangaroo, dumb-fuckery idea of conscience; we are now a people who allow the separation of children from parents, to be kept in cages. Now, because of this stupidity, people treating justice like a partisan football; horrible happenings from my past are brought front and center of my subconscious every night as I sleep. Yes, I have read books and listened to tapes as to how to guide dreams, none have prevailed.

Letting my mind wander, it was dangerous; and yes, it circled back to last night’s bout with Fate, Christ, she hit me hard and fast; for a figment of my imagination she really left me bruised, broken, bloody; I can still taste the sickly copper iron flavor of blood in my mouth, my soul limping.  First. she took me on a trek into the past; tiny, horrible, years ago; Jesus, I realize, if this nightmare I carry heavy in my mind were a child it would be graduating high school; oh god, the thought, the kind that should never be thought; after, I was sentenced to a more vile prison, to a sentence more than double theirs, I see no possibility of parole from this place. I feel as if I were slowly being eaten alive; Fate, she held my face to the fire, she made me watch and relive it, over and over and over again.  

I despise the fact something as delicious as this breeze can trigger panic, terror, horror; this feeling was, twice upon a time, in the valley of faded fears, my favourite season, now it sits heavy on me, like a box of babies tears. Though now, it is that recurring nightmare, I try to break free, but as he said in The Godfather ‘every time I think I am out, it drags me back in.’ I feel so pathetic, seriously, I earned my PhD in psychology, trying to outfit myself with all the tools; I should have been able to drown this demon long ago, but alas, I find the zombie bastard can swim; argh, and yes, I know that isn’t possible, no one can fight off all the memories, it's impossible to erase events, for anyone, most especially me.

Out of the blue it seems, a wonderful friend, a friend one which I didn’t know I still had; sadly I assume that I am always left behind, but she sent me in a tailspin of introspection; she asked me simply, 'are you okay?' A real flesh and blood human asked me, she noticed, she pointed out that I am not acting like myself; I have been tearing myself down, doubting the simplest things, I have even, in an odd way, seeking her approval; asking permission to hang my own pieces on my wall, my usual 'it's easier to ask forgiveness, than seek permission', attitude gone.  

Gods, she is right, I know she is right; I am acting weird, different, calling myself stupid, pathetic, worthless; at first it started just stupid, small, subtle... most people bought that I was fine, they never saw it... I think. Anyways, they never called me on it. This friend, this good friend called me on it; I wrote a piece out of my usual character, at first, I loved it; then the next day in a mercurial hissy fit, I ripped into it, then in another flip I apologized for it, I am acting like a kid caught lying, obvious, blatant, guilty. This friend, ah, this beautiful friend called me on all my shit; like that guilty child, my psyche tried to hide it, then I stopped, I looked, really, I am. Then this introspection brought me to the realization that at times, not always, very rarely, I get weird, almost puritanical about sex. Usually I have a very laissez faire attitude; bi, straight, whatever flavour of the lgbtq or any other spectrum, if you get off on it, if you like it, then it's beautiful; there are people I love on all levels of depravity. It may even seem to them that I am a touch prudish because I do not partake, that is fine. Because this friend, this wonderful friend, shined a light, I could again see the bruises fate had left.

Fate had asked me, "so, if it is all good, what gets you off?" With that I was lost, nothing; everything; how was I to know? Of known experiences I have rape (not awesome) and a failed relationship (asshole never understood a thing I said, then tried to recreate experience #1); yup, two times lose on those. I know what I need, no desire, no require; with all the horrible mediocrity in this world that we seem to accept as fair sacrifice, I will not let love be among those. I want epic love, mad, passionate, crazy, undying, span the universes kind of love; anything less will be a poor substitute, meaning I can not, I will not let her take that from me; this is just one of those turns where nothing goes well. She shook me, and god, I had let Fate affect me.

The moment she reared her ugly head was pain. I was lost in a soft dream of sweet remembered soft kisses. Suddenly, a hit to my face, my eye starting to swell; a doubled fist to the gut, air rushed out in a horrible half scream.  A hand wrapped in my hair slamming my head into a stony ground, again, that horrible haunting memory.  Her voice chilling in a predatory growl, she wanted blood. She taunted me, "I KNOW what you wrote, hmmm, I know what you enjoyed, I told you; you can admit it, just to me, no one else is listening;" She ground her hips into mine from behind, "I know that you liked it, you loved it; I wonder, did you reach orgasm? Was it earth shattering? Did you moan like a whore?"  Fate, that horrible bitch, licked up from my jaw to my temple, I stopped the urge to vomit, I felt my hate multiply, but in seconds I felt a turn inward, "You know that the hecklers are still right;" she raked her pelvis suggestively against me, three more thrusts.

"No, but it seems to get you off, dry humping me; hmm is the bitch in heat? So ya like my ass? I have been working out." She slammed my face down into the stone.

I let a painful groan escape, "You like the rough trade."

"Oh yeah," I ground out lifting my head turning to face her, "about as much as I like you."

She laughed cruelly, standing slamming her foot into my kidney. “Look at you, still so pathetic, still that laughing clown punching bag, you are always such fun; there is a lot to be said about consistency," slamming her boot into my jaw.  "If it was not the roughness, the pain, was it the team effort? Now, remind me how many was it that you liked? Four or five? How many holes were the putting it into?" She ground her heel onto my palm, I try to stop the noise, a near scream, "how many holes?"  

I smiled showing my blood outlined teeth, "This many." I held aloft a single middle finger.

Fate came to torture my soul time and again, with unlimited creativity; it has happened more than a few times in recent days; using more taunts, planting more doubts, inflicting more pain; cracking open my soul leaving it weeping and bereft. The more it happened the more I began to believe that she was right; yes, maybe I really enjoyed it; then I didn’t take the moment needed to breathe before I reacted this time out of emotion, gut check. She was right, they were all right; it was all I deserved; I asked for it, I had enjoyed it. Though that moment of introspection given to me by a gorgeous friend, gave me time to recognize this is actually an extreme rendition, interrogation tactic, the kind used in interviews at Gitmo; some good interrogators can even implant false memories, causing false confessions.

I woke from the nightmare; I gathered my own thoughts.  I had to run; I had to hide. I hated; I hated the world and all the people in it, I hated myself and most of all I hated all this wasted time. If I had known Life before would I blame him, hate him… yes, right now, in fact I do.

I drove faster, not even slowing at bends in the road; why was I running? What good could it do? I know can not escape when the horror is inside my own skull. The green leaves starting to turn gold, some starting to age red at the edges. I whisked through the countryside, far too fast; it was liberating. God, this is my favourite season; there is something so sultry and libidinous about fall; I let go of the wheel, raising my arms joyous in the air. The feeling, the smell, the look, it seems to get my heart racing and my mind reeling; in pure celebration of the seasons change, the bite to the wind and the trill of cinnamon to the air, senses that are so much Life, oh me, oh my, oh my favorite things. Dark chocolate, eaten slowly, savored and enjoyed; passionate literature read in a hot bath tub that requires an entry like bugs bunny getting into the boiling cauldron; music, so many lovely perfect kinds of music, hard hitting, rampaging, soothing and truly sensual all appreciated savored and enjoyed… Please, Life... I need you.  Why don't you come? I call to you, I miss you.

Before even fate showed the aphasia really affected my self-confidence; I no longer had my words, I constantly sounded either stupid or drunk or both, that had shaken me to my core; with both of those, it changed my own reactions. Then America, my home, is not helping, the president mocking a rape survivor, his little toadies backing him up. It just tore a hole in my psyche, in my soul, letting all these demons back. This is not me really... but what is me?

For me, after the attack, the police, they never doubted; the bruised and bloody the evidence abounded, they had no trouble even finding the culprits, but the faculty, the students... not so kind... I heard the whispers, they never looked at me, not the real me, I was just a disregarded scrap.

My lips hurt, they were cracked in two places, my ribs were bruised, all making me wonder if Fate was more than just my horrible subconscious. More than the conscience that makes a coward of me; makes me want to run for the shelter of a strong set of arms.  My foot slacks off the gas pedal; I was losing my will to run, I realized that I was not able to run from this kind of mountain.

"Why can't you hear me?!” I yelled at the building clouds so hard my throat ached; they were heavy with rain. I saw the edges of refracted rainbows as they slid slowly in front of the sun.

Soft, so close to my ear, I felt the breath of Life. "But I did."

I swerved, nearly off the road, I screamed, slamming in the clutch not touching the brake, cutting the wheel sharply, putting the car into a full 360 spin, it almost came to a rest.  "Jiminy Cripcity Roosevelt Christmas, man. You could have just killed me." I collected my galloping heart, letting the clutch out in 3rd gear screeching off the tires. He laughed, his words sunk in slowly, I understood his words and they angered me, I slid the gearshift into 4th, without the clutch; "Yeah, right, you heard me, sure.  So, what you are saying that as usual when the world begins using me for a toilet brush, I am on my own; lemme guess, all for character building I am sure. Just go, I do not need you anymore.  Just get out." I leaned into the gas, not caring the speed, anger making my eyes begin to run.

"What the hell was that?" He reached his hand over, gripping mine, "wound a little tight their honey; let’s get you relaxed” he started rubbing the inside of my wrist, my breathing slowed. "I wish, with every ounce of power I have, I wish I could have come when I heard your cries, they caused an ache in me so cutting so horrible, I cried. I don't know how I heard you or how I am here now."

"Yeah, yeah, sure." I jeered my hand waving him away. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye, his expression was so hurt, “God, I shouldn't have mocked... I’m just angry, but not at you,” I took a long breath, “I am sorry" I whispered, easing off the gas.

"Then just stop, pull off the road, talk to me."

I sighed seeking that cognitive reset.  "Okay." There was a wooded turn out just ahead.  I pulled the car over, stalling out, killing the engine. I rolled my eyes internally; it has been ages since I stalled out.  I swiped the little tears away. "So, what? What is it that you want?" My jaw set. "What?"

He sighed, seeing this was going to be an uphill battle; he reached for my hand bringing the palm to his lips; instantly my jaw slacked, and air rushed from my lips, "I missed you." He kissed the tender pad of my palm. "I know you have been in pain. Tell me what caused it; tell me haunts you." His fingers still softly drawing hypnotic circles on my wrist.

"Ah, pain, but where to start? We could do a chronological study into the beginning of pain; it might take a while."  I try to sound unbothered.

"Where this pain, your pain, the one that has had you screaming, where that pain started." His face so beautifully earnest, and there is an importance to being earnest.  “Please…” he breathed

"Words, it always begins with words, then those sticks and stones; they come hard."

He let one hitched chuckle out, "Wow, what a cop out." He dared.

I breathed again, then let it out slow, "Dammit really?” he nodded, “shit, with this whole 'legitimizing rape' floating around, taking even the one recourse for a victim of said crime has if it takes an unlucky turn. They have the audacity to mock and berate a survivor of a crime, I have seen them, mock hurricane victims, the disabled, they come just shy of saying that they want all of us defectives to die they put a rapist on the high court, now this monstrosity that will end my only piece of mind. My…" he held up his hand.

Clicking of his tongue stopped me. "No, not what I asked for Joan of arc, I was asking for the story, for this pain I see in your eyes, not a history of the worlds ills. I want your story."

"Eg, yeah, but that’s not important, it's really not even worth telling."

"Just stop; stop with the bullshit, stop deflecting; I want to hear your story, please, just tell me the goddamned story.” He gritted his teeth, “sorry, but I hate when you make light of yourself; you are making fun of my favourite person in the world, I am sorry just, please, just tell me."

"Cheese and crackers man, it is a horrid little pathetic thing. But fine." I take a breath, “Shit, my story…" I could not form the words. "hey, what’s better I could just tell you the tale of the little engine that should have known better, but still did it anyway.”

"No," he watched me closely, not letting his impatience show "I want to know your story, your pain, please."

"Shit, shit, shit, OK, shit... dammit," I hit the steering wheel, I pressed my forehead into the hard surface of the wheel, "but don't say I didn't warn ya. Shit” minutes passed, I said nothing.

He reached over holding my shoulders, "Honey, nothing that would make you too nervous to say, could be a waste of time, you are that fearless girl that never holds her tongue. Trust me, I think I can help." His thumb rubbed tenderly.

"I am neither fearless, nor am I a girl; I am a right old horrible spinster," I huffed, I fiddled with my fingers. I looked in his eyes; “I am" I stopped gathering my thoughts; "I don’t think you will like this as well as you think; I know what will happen after its all out, so, I must preface with a goodbye, you have been lovely. I know your opinion of me will slip; you won't want to know me after I finish, so thank you." He looked doubtful, but I knew, gods, I will miss him. "Before I start, I want to say, even if it means nothing to you, if no one ever tells you, I love you." A tear streaked from my eye, "What am I? Nothing," he shook his head vigorously, "look at me, I know most don’t think much of me, red round cheeks and usually a smile, no makeup and holes in my jeans; I have been told many, many, times after having conversations with people that my Naivety was endearing, but if I had ever encountered the real world my outlook would become as jaded as theirs. I may act like I have encountered nothing but sweetness and light in a noodle salad life, but that is far from the truth. I believe that you can encounter the worst that life has to offer and choose your reaction to it. You can stop believing in the world around you or you can continue to believe in kindness, understanding, and trust. Some say it is just denial, burying my head in the sand that allows me think that life is still what we make it… I Laugh and Laugh… If they knew what this girl, well, shit, here you go. Enough wasting time, I will get down to it. It's a shit story..." I wiped my hands down my face, the a swipe under my nose with the bad of my hand, then on my thighs, "shit," I sighed out, “Too many years ago it was a bright sunny day; a warm fall morning with a light breeze. I was worried about a calculus test; the biggest thing on my mind were cos A and sin B. I was on the phone ironing out a scheduling problem; I was talking to my internship mentor on the first cell phone in my family, dad got it for my safety because of my commute 90 miles to school. Jabbering on about what, I don’t even remember, I reached into the back seat for my bag. Sighing and hanging up the phone, preparing for the day ahead, or so I thought." I took a steadying breath, I had evaded long enough; I couldn’t meet his gaze, I just stared straight ahead out the windshield. "Suddenly, horribly brutality was introduced into my life; the surprise really isn’t as horrible as the feeling of helplessness; I was still bent closing the door with my hip I started to heft my book bag; my head caved in the rear door of my car; you should have seen it, truly impressive the damage a cranium can do." I remain in this protective tone, details curtailed "I was knocked out cold; I slowly came out of my haze I felt pain, searing horrible pain, but not my head, I heard ripping material;  I smelled blood my blood; flying back to reality and I know what is happening, the animal grunting and horrible rhythm; pain, it’s between my legs; no one had ever been there before;" I heard Life take a savage breath, it was nice to know someone cared, even if it was just for show.  I wiped the dampness from my face again.

"They raped me, I did not count or really anything." I tried to laugh it off, "they beat me, pulled my hair, god, one stood one foot on my head so I couldn’t move and urinated on my face as that other one finished, they called me whore, and cum bucket, and worse; every part of my body was used and abused; I lost, my hands blindly flail, I try to kick. I was savaged by animals I use the term loosely. They ransacked my car as they took turns, seeing my viola in the trunk and to punish me for fighting they crushed my left hand, they kicked me, beat my head into the pavement repeatedly. When they had finished with me and my car, the cruelest one of them, pulled the scarf wrapped around my neck and strangled me, they murdered me, and I do have to say part of me did die. As they did they laughed, god, they laughed, horrible laughs, they creep into my conscious when anything goes awry. I lost consciousness, I guess they assumed I died, I woke, I don’t know how much time passed, but I woke in a pool of blood and …err other, I got in my car and drove to the security station on the bottom level… yeah." I shook. He rubbed my hand; I pulled away quickly, I could have spit on him, but it was not him the anger belonged to. "What is madness but nobility of soul, at odds with circumstance?"  

"My god, I was expecting bad, but my… my heart, it is broken” ready to face the loss of him, I turned, I watched his face as the light died in the low, dark, rain swollen clouds; a delicate falling rain drank in the dusk; it felt like it swallowed my misery whole and for that I was grateful; shrouded in silence, the branches of the trees above wrapped me in their stoic peace. Shadows fell across us the boundaries lost their edges, as the borders were erased, once again the wonder if I had ever really existed. His presence was always so elegantly reassuring, and still I had to remind myself it was not him I was so mad at.

"Yeah, so, how was that for a hard luck story? The first time I have told anyone since I left the police station. Not exactly Disney Channel friendly, but I am waiting to hear back from lifetime." I laughed; the sound was hollow.  "Peachy side, I didn't end up knocked up or diseased; so, maybe the universe heard that plea."  I sniffed, my frustration returning.  He trailed his hand lightly down my damp cheek.  I flinched away, shy, stupid, embarrassed, "pretty pathetic, huh?"

He shook his head. "Shh, stop that please, you don’t have to mock yourself in that Cyrano de Bergerac style you always use; you are not beating me to a punch line, I was never going for one” he ran his hands over his face, “did you not hear your story? My heart is broken." I tried to look away; his gentle hands coaxed my gaze back.  "I heard a story of survival, those monsters tried to end you; here you are, fight intact, undaunted, truly indomitable, the rest just damaged facia."

I looked in his eyes, "Fate has been taunting, mocking me, whispering that I liked the assault,” I stopped, hesitating, “that has me doubting everything."

His face skeptical, eyebrow raised, "And you believe those taunts?" He shook his regal head.

Temper sparked, "kind of,” I stopped, feeling stupid, I bristled, “I do, okay. So what?"

"Why?" He cajoled. "Really, tell me why; the whole truth answer." He sat back like Cesar at the gladiator games, "hold nothing back, I can take it."

Apparently, he was satisfied that I was soundly kicking my own ass. "I wrote out, an imaginary tryst, you and I, we were on a boat, it was just delicious, an escape, there was a touch of rough to it... some of the details were... similar to... that." my voice stopped working.  "I liked it a lot, but then I got overwhelmed, confused; how can I like that, without liking the other.  The reality of that implication," I sniffed, fluttering my hands; that horrible weird guilt weighing my soul, I knew it was just my own psyche, but it was horrendously irresistible; I stopped I gave up; "shit, now you know; you know… everything why I am so deplorable... grotesque... disgusting." I rolled my eyes closed, I concentrated on my breathing, minutes clicked by finally I opened them, expecting that he had blew away on the breeze.

I met his gaze, I saw no pity, no disgust; I saw him, just Life.   Confused, I searched further, still none.

"You are not. You know better than most that feelings can be deception; sex, isn't just soft, isn't just rough, it is never one flavour; it is the connection, the intention." He ran his hands through my hair. Pressing it back behind my ear the way I like it.  "Honey, there is no equation between your rape and having a touch of rough in a fantasy. It does not mean you liked being helpless, beaten, or broken, the intention there was viciousness; there was no connection there, no trust" he sighed.

I gave a derisive chuckle, "right."

He dropped my hand, pulling away, gaining my full attention. "You apparently have made up your mind not just for you but also what I would think; you really must be magic; I think you would be surprised by what I think.”

I let a derisive chuckle out, “Sure because you are some kind of paragon.”

“I wouldn’t say paragon, but I heard every word you said. It made me so mad that you would think that way about you.”  I rolled my eyes.  He growled, and good god something in me was listening, something found the sound so delicious that it made me tingle; I scanned his eyes, there was still softness there. “Honey, look, I heard a story of an invasion, a horrible, massive invasion. I don't care if you were splayed naked on a table saying, 'come and get it big boy, give it to me hard,'” I let a snerk of laughter out at the idea. “if it was not the specific person you were talking to; that was an invasion. You cannot discount a rougher, needy kind of love making; accepting carnal love rougher more animal in its display requires trust in the intention of the other party, it is not simply the actions; Accepting love rougher, that act of trust is never more shameful or dirtier; it is a communication telling the other party, I trust you to be just this much, but no more; the instant you voice a dislike and it continues it becomes the other; it’s all up to you, whatever is pleasing to you, only you. There is no right, there is no wrong, no disgusting or dirty; sex is all about the feeling, expressing.” I understood what he was trying to say, but I really didn’t want to hear it, I knew he was trying to placate me, I tried to ignore him; “Don't be like a velvet glove cast in iron, dealing only in absolutes." I had to look away, “love is love, is love, is love, and it all matters” the storm gaining strength, he released the top and pulled it up; kissing the top of my head as he passed. "Sweeting, the space between absolutes..." he sighed, "remember, you said that is where you had chosen to live, you were right, it is the place where life happens." He ran his hands through his hair; his frustration evident, then a light hit his eyes; "I would really like to read this fantasy, curiosity leads me to wonder," he chuckled, "I just wonder if it would match up to any of mine." I shot him a skeptical look. “oh, honey; I have had so many fantasies since the first time you appeared.”

I had no words to say, I just sat watching him, waiting for the change.

He sat, looking at me, the storm began to rage, much like the maelstrom that had been inside me for so long; I pulled the piece up on my phone handing it to him. We were more than damp, I noticed I had been shivering; for how long, no one knows. I sat watching the storm split the sky; I started the car, flipping a bitch, starting back in the opposite direction; he was deeply ensconced in my words, he reached over with out looking up, turning on the heat, directing the vents at me.  

I shot him a look, just a glance; but what I saw. God, the power of a glance has been so much abused in love stories, that I had never believed in its power; no one now dares to say that two beings have fallen in love because they looked at each other. Yet, an unguarded look can tell you so much, love, despise, languor and fear; tenderly in his exquisite look, I saw the most gorgeous thing, understanding; an acceptance.  I was astonished, I was bewildered, dizzy, in a daze; I still did not understand, I began wondering what universe he was from... My stomach panged, rumbling as loud as the storm, I ignored it.

"Hey, can you pull in up there, you need something to eat." There was a neon sign in the distance, that advertised barbeque, I was surprise he could even see if as he didn’t look up from my words. I pulled in, reading the sign that promised barbecue and drinks, after all it was Texas, a bourbon sounded just right. I pulled in and parked; I was a numbed, near depressed but electrified, dumbfounded, impressed and slightly aroused; all the roiling emotions had my jaw clenched, I was disassociated, separated, on autopilot. My feet moving me through the rain, but I was a cloud of confused emotion; a stranger in a strange land; emotion was not my wheelhouse. Wandering idly toward the door; passing the columns, he gripped my shoulders almost punishingly. He spun me to face him, his face dark and serious, I began shivering, he pressed me to the wall. His face serious, but the passion burned; again, that growl, it hit the bottom of my stomach, warming, making my legs shake; he kissed me, suddenly, deeply, no warmup, no cuddling into my lips just immediately lips and tongue.  Tucking his knee between my legs pressing hard, soft mewling left my throat caught in his mouth.  He pinned my arms to my sides I tried to touch him, but he wouldn’t yield, he wanted to kiss me, his way; and yes, I liked it, he ran his tongue along the roof of my mouth, I moaned softly into his mouth, rocking gingerly against his knee; the visceral feeling. He started to deepen the kiss even more, his knee caressing, moving with intention. A quiet shudder rocked me.  He sucked in a deep controlling breath, resting his forehead against mine, staring deeply into my eyes; I shook like a leaf as we parted. Shaking I clung to his shoulders.

"Now, kitten, did you feel my intention, to bring you pleasure?" I nodded, "was there pleasure?" I bit my lip, a small smile creeped, I nodded. "You know, the fact that you know the horrible purity of absolute, pure despair; doesn’t mean that is all there is in this universe." He kissed me again, faintly. He passed his fingertips over my skin, almost without touching an experience that neither of us had expected or experienced before, the miracle of feeling myself in another body, "Now, did you feel that?"

"Yes," I whispered, I was shadow pinned against a sweating wall; needing more, my soul pleading for more, but I was frozen; "Oh there was a moment there; oh me, oh my; as you began a whisper of that kiss; clearer than any whispered words; god there was something there that makes it all worthwhile; that was the edge, hmm, the edge is what I have; truth of this fiction, it's the edge of flavour that makes the difference.” I giggled, “there was a time when I would speak words that made sense." I giggled.

"Yes. But what truth is there in sense?" He laced my fingers with his and pulled me after him; we walked in me confused actually wanting to go back to being pinned to that wall, we walked in.  The waitress took us to a booth; I slid in first, I gasped in surprise as he slid in next to me on the same bench. He ordered me a bourbon and an order of fries; I sat there blinking, he then turns me to face him, he leans in close whispering deep and low; his breath warm on my neck, "When we are young we felt we are invincible; as we age we find ourselves, second guessing, always thinking twice." As he spoke, he planted little kisses on my neck; “I am done with that, I thought I was done paying my dues, same for you; now, I find that I have something I do not want to lose. The day you came into my life I changed again, fear still there, but also a cacophony of joy, both at odds, now every day now is just a grateful roll of the dice." His hands skimmed over my arms as they draped around his neck, freely delicious. "I look at that, it is working; you are starting to hear me; I like you, feel powerless in the lonesome times, thinking to myself 'dear god what have I done?' But with you here..." biting the edge of my ear, "you can run baby, you can try to hide, but whatever comes it will find you. For us, there is now; yesterday is history, an hour from now, no one knows for sure; but baby right now it's just you and me and that kiss, it said a lot." He turned me to face him.

Our drinks and fries came and I took a long drought, I laughed cuddling close, I felt young, I felt alive, and I really had never felt that way, “Are we mad?" he looked wounded, "but the good madness, the change the world madness."

"I want to just hold you tight; right now, we can make this moment last; don't think about anything other than helping you forget about the past, for just a moment if needs be." His kissed me slow, long deep caresses with his tongue; I tried to match him, I was awkward at first, but he led me in a natural rhythmic motion.

I missed feeling him, tasting him, gods, it was like breathing. I kissed him with everything I had. "You know, your fantasy, it was gorgeous." He kissed me again, his hands cupping my cheeks, tilting my face for a new angle. He broke from my mouth kissing down my neck. "I have sailed a 20-foot catch; I have had some very similar thoughts, but I loved that very forward confident you that you wrote."

I fumbled with my hands trying to make him feel some of what I was. "Have you really imagined us together as well?"  My fingers sliding through his hair. He nodded, “I kind of assumed you were so out of my league."

He laughed, the sound rippled along my nerves; "oh, kitten, you have no idea who you actually are. Yes, I have, so many things I have fanaticized about."

I pulled away to see his eyes, they held no lie; "Even now?... after?"

He looked shocked, "Especially now." He said with conviction.

"Tell me one," I was breathless.

He held my had looking into my face, "Happily, but I would rather show you. I long to grab your hand and run to the motor inn across the parking lot, get a room." I looked out the window over his shoulder gnawing on my kiss swollen bottom lip.

"Mmm, story first," I stood firm.

"OK then, well, I suppose I could tell you about the one where you are the aggressor; holding me down using me as you will." He shook his head, "no, the one where I am the aggressor, holding you down? Kissing you slowly, teasing your nerves, dipping my fingers into you, feeling you shiver; nah, you don't look keen on that, eating chocolate ice cream off of your skin;” I really shivered, “maybe another time; I suppose, I could tell you about how I dreamt of kissing you, teasing you, then bend you over this table licking all the way up the back of you thigh and... no, no, not that one. Kitten, come here." He pulled my leg up so he could slide closer, fitting just between. "You have to use your imagination; I dream of laying you down, kissing you so hard, it takes your breath away; I want to make out with you like a teenager out passed curfew." He caressed my trembling bottom lip with his thumb. "I would get lost in your kisses; intoxicating, enticing, articulate, telling me exactly what you want, how you want it; using only the tip of your tongue you draft a treatise." He toyed with my hair idly, my eyelids began to sag half-mast; passion building in my body, "Wowzah, that scorching look in your eyes, so intent, you are so Wildely beautiful; why, oh why do you squash that want, fighting it like a foe, a weakness; please, just... let it free."

His hand began caressing my neck, I could not have stopped myself from rolling my head, so my neck was wide open for his lips. His tongue. "I love kissing your neck, licking, taking little bites, right here." His fingers wisping passed the place where neck meets shoulder, my bones melted; he smiled mischievously, shot me a naughty look wiggling get his brows. He slid his fingers along my neckline, his touch whisper soft; his voice low, rumbling, deep, "deliberately I descend along your succulent curves;" my body raising to meet his fingers, straining for attention. "I watch you arch your back, just like that; I can't take my time learning; your heaving breasts wanton for attention, nipples like diamonds," oh and they are, his two fingers caress along the crevice between my breasts. My breathing hitched, coming in soft pants, his eyes gorgeous reverent. "I reveal the state in which I see your nerves are in; rampaging, greedy, alive for just a whisper of a touch; oh, but I want more" he sunk in closer, enjoying the slight shake of my shoulders. His hot mouth kisses just behind my ear, his tongue licking along my skin; his lips playing with the cords in my neck as I let out a sighing moan, just a solitary note; his fingers toying with the area of my soft sweater, just over my the area of my nipple. "Your belly covered with barely visible downy hairs, soft, soft, so soft;" he slipped his fingers of his other hand up under the hem of my sweater, just above my waistband; his first hand dropping to my thigh, dipping between rubbing with soft curious fingers; the nail of his wide thumb, scraping along the seam between; "they are standing up because of the goose bumps I just made."  His fingers velvet soft over my skin, I try clamped my thighs together he keeps that from happening.  "Pushing passed the band of your jeans, I reach for what I crave the most." His second hand skimming a rougher scratching fingernail along the seam; his other fingers just trace along the skin along the edge of the bottom of my bra, his lips kissed along my neckline.  "I would make you moan," I squirmed, "I would form a symphony of your empassioned calls, all the delicious sounds of satisfaction; I will be ruthless in my intent, pleasure my only goal; releasing you from the past, my hope. I know you will want to run, to escape, but at the same time you will be wanting more;" he pulled back, "more; look at you, breathtaking, deliciously titillated. Your cheeks flushed, you lips slightly parted; eyes glossy, erotic, steamy, fervid, seductive, coaxing, shameless; saying every want your lips refuse." Pulling at the hem of my sweater, "I want to slip my hand under your panties, sliding my fingers across your damp skin.  God, I have wanted that for so long" His fingers ghost over my skin, reaching the edge of my satin bra; his lips crashed into mine, his kiss demanding, delicious, scalding; his hand enveloping my breast; his thumb rubbing delicately, I react honestly. I grabbed his wrist of his hand that was resting on my thigh, pulling his fingers to my mouth, sucking. The clench in my belly responding to his hand slipping under my bra. I pull away, gasping; I stand, dropping a ten on the table.

"Shit, I am sorry," his breath laboured, his face recalcitrant, "I pushed too far, too fast; I am sorry; so, where are we off to?" He looked disappointed, sad.

"Well, I decided, you are right," viciously, I let that hang in the air; “you should just show me.  Our direction, over there," I pointed out the window to the inn.

He looked like a child at Christmas, he grabbed my arm tossing me over his shoulder, I giggle and squeal, he moved quickly to the door. We were out and across the parking lot swiftly, he was running; the rain drenching us; he dropped me to my feet under the awning. "I'll be right back."

I watched him fill out the forms, pay the woman, and he bounded back.  "We will make, new experiences, giving you back all the power. Let’s roll." Pulling me over his shoulder again; I squealed, I laughed; he slapped my rump, I moaned.

And outside it was October Country . . . that country where it is late in the year and everyone is tired and waiting for that one good thing to break; country where the amber hills covered in fog, rivers are mist and ice; where noon shortly proceeds sundown, twilights linger, and mid-night’s stay; geese and dusks on their parade to the south; dilled carrots and jams are lined into cellars, sweaters, coats, jackets, are cycled to the front of closets, boots and gloves to the entry way, coffee and tea served hot and steamy with fresh cookies and it seems for a season everything faces away from the sun. October people, think October thoughts and wish that the Christmas stuff would remain hidden for another season, and passing nights, cool, bundled in warm socks and a large sweater walking or listening to the light rain on the tin roof hoping the winter doesn’t kill hope

[goldenkamuyhunting]

Do you think Ogata is a sociopath?

Sorry for the late reply. Sadly this is an extremely busy working period for me.

Anyway…

is Ogata fitting sociopath trope?

It’s a really interesting question and also, if I’m not wrong, a hot topic for the fandom so I’ll try to answer it the best I can.

I’ll use as reference for the Sociopath trope tvtropes because it’s good enough to analyze a character of a litterary work.

So, for this trope, we’re given 5 defining qualities (I’ll copy the words of tvtrope below so people don’t have to go back and forth to check it).

1) Lack of Empathy and Devoid of Conscience: Their defining feature. Utterly ruthless doesn't begin to describe them: except for when trying to appear normal, they will disregard any social norms and semblance of morality in pursuit of their own selfish desires. The Sociopath will do whatever it takes: lie, cheat, steal, extort, manipulate, or use outright violence without the slightest hesitation, disgust or remorse, and for as little as Pleasure or The Evulz. Murder and violence have no more emotional weight than eating Chinese takeout or some other mundane activity, and they have no concern for the direct or collateral damage they do to other people, being unable to understand why anyone should. Likewise, they never truly understand the feelings of others on anything more than an intellectual level, and may even believe that everybody else is faking it too. As many Real Life criminal psychologists put it: "They know the words but not the music." Techniques for learning moral behaviour, such as reason, therapy, rehabilitation and behavioral reward/punishment, will not work on them or tend to only make their behavior even worse by making it easier for them to fake it. This is why the only thing resembling consistently successful treatment involves teaching them to avoid behaviors that have predictable consequences; they may still believe that consequences are bullshit, but if they have been made sufficiently aware of the fact that their behavior will always end up with them in jail, getting sued, or simply just getting jumped or killed when they fuck with the wrong people, and that they can't lie and fake their way out of it because people are wise to their game, they will usually shape up.

Noda actually debunk this in Ogata’s second apparition and it’s THE DEFINING FEATURE of the trope.

Not only he has Ogata decide they won’t kill Tanigaki in Huci’s house because Huci reminds him of his grandmother, whom he loved and therefore he doesn’t want to kill her (chap 43),

but he also have him to save Nikaido (Chap 45)

eventhough Ogata is sure it’s a trap (Chap 45).

In case people hadn’t gotten the message well Noda remarks his meetingwith Huci left an impression by having him remember her when Tanigaki mentionedher (chap 110)

making him consequently offer to help Tanigaki (yeah the way hewent at it was horrible) and in other small instances (like how although hedoesn’t believe in dreams he tells Asirpa he should write her instead than justsaying he should ignore her for being senile and naïve (chap 113)).

He also remarks that Ogata knew a wounded Nikaido would be a liability byshowing how one of the war techniques Ogata learnt in war was to woundopponents instead than killing them (chap 46)…

and underlines this again in thefight with Vasily, where not only it’s explained again how wounding opponentsis a technique used to damage enemies (Chap 162)...

but Ogata also comments on how Vasilywon’t expose himself for his companions as he evidently would be comfortablehearing their screams of pain through all the night (chap 162)...

which was what Ogata should have done instead than saving Nikaido.

We’ve other instances in which Ogata showed he’s not utterly ruthless,like when he saves Shinpei instead than letting his father kill him and onlyafterward killing the man (chap 59).

We’ve him claiming he doesn’t feel guilt for the people he kills and yethe hallucinates and is clearly haunted by the memory of his brother, whom hekilled (chap 164/165).

More recently instead we’ve the scene in which he comfort Koito (chap199)

...or the fact once he was left alone with Koito he didn’t harm him in retaliation for slamming his head against his nose but just tied him (Chap 200).

Noda likely created those settings exactly to debunk the defining feature of thetrope, so we won’t get the wrong impression about Ogata.

2) Consummate Liar and Manipulator: In the event they are ever targets of suspicion in crime dramas and thrillers, sociopaths are able to fool any Living Lie Detectors in the cast, pass polygraphs effortlessly, and fool even you, the audience, into believing they are genuinely kind and caring people who are victims of a "big misunderstanding" (assuming they are not so smugly confident of their own invincibility that they feel no need to hide their unsavory personality). Moreover, despite their lack of empathy, sociopaths are capable of using their knowledge of others' desires, emotions and insecurities to manipulate them for their own personal gain. Because of this, many of them are Faux Affably Evil. This is related to their lack of empathy and shame - they don't feel the slightest discomfort about lying or exploiting others, so they do so with the same ease in which normal people perform mundane activities. This is why you should always assume that any apparent epiphany from a sociopath is bullshit; as far as they're concerned, it's just another tool to get what they want, and they don't actually believe that they have done anything wrong. Don't let them know that they are full of shit, because it will just force them to become more slick, but do act with the knowledge that they will go right back to their old ways the minute that they think it is safe to do so.

Yeah, Ogata lies in Golden Kamuy. All the cast does, even Asirpa.

But the idea here is he has to be a consummate one, a GOOD one, a masterful one, not just a guy who here and there lies. He has to be so good at lying he can manipulate others though his lies.

And Ogata fails at lying. Noda debunks this as well in Ogata’s second apparition when he tells Tanigaki that he was joking when he said Tanigaki might have killed Tamai and Co and Tanigaki is free to remain in Huci’s house because Ogata will act as if he had never seen Tanigaki (Chap 43).

Tanigaki is so sure Ogata is being sincere he thinks he has to leave AS SOON AS POSSIBLE (Chap 43).

And I’ve spent lot of time discussing how his lie about Sugimoto’s final moments was a complete and utter mess, the clear sign the most Ogata can do are extremely simple lies because as soon as he tries to make up a story that’s as unbelievable as possible.

Ogata can be a good strategist during a battle.

We see it in the Barato arc, also in the sniper duel and, if we want, also in his recent escape. However he’s clearly not good at manipulating people in interactions.

He can’t win over their trust, which is a big requisite to manipulate people as he’s almost universally distrusted, we see it not only with Tanigaki, who simply didn’t buy his lie nor spilled the truth about Sugimoto’s involvement but also with Sugimoto himself, who’ll be more prone to trust Kiro or Hijikata, who’ll both betray him to try to get Asirpa, and even Tsurumi than Ogata even when it’ll be really obvious Ogata is actually right (remember the fake Ainu arc?), with Yuusaku, who won’t spend time with whose women nor kill a man, with Asirpa, who won’t give him the code and honestly, I’m not even sure his attempt at hinting Tsurumi’s involvement in Koito’s kidnapping will be something Koito will understand.

In order to be a manipulator is not enough to attempt to manipulate, you’ve to do so successfully. And Ogata fails at this.

3) Pathological Need for Stimulation: The Sociopath's raison d'etre (i.e.: an overriding goal which serves as one's "reason for existence"). Due to their inability to empathize or even care for those around them, sociopaths largely view their existence as boring or meaningless and therefore feel compelled to engage in "thrill-seeking" activities to alleviate their restlessness. How this manifests depends largely on the sociopath's personality. It can be as relatively benign as binging on video games, compulsively gambling, or leading highly promiscuous lifestyles. Far more dangerous examples are prone to satiate their lust for thrills by partaking in criminal enterprises, becoming serial rapists and/or killers, or (if they are unusually high-functioning) accumulating vast wealth and/or influence for the sole purpose of dominating as many people as they can for their own amusement. Due to their obsession with indulging their insatiable appetites however they want whenever they want, sociopaths have a very low tolerance for inconvenience or irritation which in turn leads them to have a pronounced lack of impulse control. Because of this, many of them are Ax-Crazy, have a Hair-Trigger Temper, and/or are Mood Swingers.

That’s hard to say.

So far Ogata never stated to find existence boring without action. Sure, he’s engaged in a very risky hunt and he’s rather reckless but does he has a pathological need for this or, like the rest of the cast, he’s just thinking this is the price to pay to reach his goal? He’s in this for the fun of it or he has a different purpose? Until we don’t know Ogata’s goal we can speculate as much as we want but we can hardly say for sure.

What we know is Ogata has a very good impulse control, that he’s usually very cold and even in the few circumstances we’ve seen him angry or in a tight spot he hardly lost it.

4) Shallow Affect and Complete Lack of Emotional Reciprocity: A Sociopath is physiologically incapable of experiencing a deep emotional attachment towards others but - being a Consummate Liar - learns early in life how to fake them. This shallow emotional life means that the Sociopath is unable to form sincere long-term relationships with anything or anyone, but will feign feelings of love and affection if they feel it serves their purposes. Most of the true feelings a sociopath harbors towards others, positive or negative, are rooted in an insatiable desire to dominate or control them. While narcissists desire to be loved or at least respected, sociopaths don't care whether others view them positively as long as they don't stand in the way of their own self-centered gratification. In the rare event that a Sociopath actually does form an "attachment" to another person, it rises no further than that between an owner and a possession and/or a valuable resource for advancing their goals. Thus, once such "friends" cease to be useful or entertaining, they will abandon them or, in some cases, even kill them without any hesitation or regret. Any emotional reaction to having committed a heinous act is met indifference at best and glee at worst.

Technically debunked again in Ogata’s second apparition.

As said before not only Ogata declared he had feelings for his grandmother but even went out of his way to spare Huci because it reminded him of her.

But I know this is viewed in a rather controversial manner.

In fact so far we hadn’t seen him developing a deep emotional attachment toward others as he remained a loner.

The fandom though was very impressed by two things.

One is his relationship with Yuusaku. It’s worth to note that Noda made very clear that Ogata wanted to avoid Yuusaku and not have a relationship with him at all (chap 164),

...and it was on Tsurumi’s request he ended up on having to try to deceive him and get them what they wanted. It’s also meaningful how Ogata never played the whole thing on the affection side. The most he did was to point out he and Yuusaku were brothers so they should get to mischief together, but he never tried to use feelings into the play, he insisted in calling Yuusaku ‘Yuusaku-dono’ and he never asked Yuusaku to do something because Ogata loved him or out of the love Yuusaku should feel for him.

Ogata is clearly not faking any affection for Yuusaku, he’s at most giving him some of his time. Yuusaku, who has already decided Ogata has to be delighted to have a little brother even when Ogata clearly hinted the contrary, might not see it but this speaks more of Yuusaku’s obsession to get Ogata to be his big brother than about Ogata’s attempt at faking feelings he didn’t felt.

The other thing the fandom likes to talk about is Ogata’s relationship with Asirpa.

That one is a rather controversial topic.

Asirpa is friendly with Ogata. Nothing over the top, she just deal with him with the same kindness she would deal with everyone else (actually she’s kinder with Tanigaki considering the guy threatened her and tried to use her as human shield and she completely forgave him that and saved his life. Twice).

Ogata’s interactions with her, for most of the story, are not responding to it at all.

He’s not faking affection, he’s just mostly not interacting and keeping on his own.

It takes him months to say ‘citatap’ as she repeatedly asked him and call Asirpa by name. It’ll take him even more to say ‘hinna’.

Asirpa decides to remain friendly with him. That’s Asirpa’s decision, it’s not Ogata’s actions, or more exactly his lack of actions that cause Asirpa to remain friend with him.

And Asirpa is clearly not the type who needs to be rejected to latch to someone as we see she’s just fine with being friend with Sugimoto, Shiraishi, Kiroranke, Tanigaki and others, who aren’t keeping distant, nor she’s so starved for affection just a word would win her over.

Even when he will try to get her to give him the code he won’t try to play it on the ‘if you care for me/trust me give me the code’ or on the ‘I care for you so I’m telling you what would be best for you’.

Really, to assume Ogata was faking affection with her would require accepting he can’t fake it to save his life.

5) Grandiose Sense of Self-Worth: The trait that ties it all together - the one that changes it from moustache-twirling evil into a mental disorder. Sociopaths will go so far as to convince themselves that they have succeeded in their plan, even as failure stares them in the face and snaps on the handcuffs. They genuinely believe it. They don't really care what others truly think on the matter, but they do care about what they say, and like to fill their social circle with people who say what they want to hear. Any others - even former 'friends' - will be dismissed from the sociopath's social circle simply for doubting them. They consider themselves better than anybody else and that they are entitled to special treatment - and they can't stand anybody being considered better than them. However, while the Narcissist is self-conscious of how they measure up to others' standards (and therefore will experience shame or guilt for failing them), a sociopath's grandiosity is all-encompassing to the point they have no concern how their actions reflect upon them UNLESS it threatens their ability to indulge their appetite for further stimulation. They are incapable of acknowledging personal responsibility for failure, and will always blame others, no matter how irrational it is. In fact, it's considerably difficult convincing them that the activity they have partaken in has even failed. This is all part of why a sociopath can't change - since they consider themselves to already be perfect, and refuse to acknowledge failure on their part, and consider the true opinions and feelings of others insignificant, they never try to improve themselves.

Honestly I wouldn’t say Ogata has a grandiose sense of self worth.

Sure, he knows he’s an amazing sniper and he occasionally brags about it.

Everyone does know Ogata is amazing at sniping. This is, after all, a fact that’s accepted by the whole cast and that’s actually proved more than once, after all Ogata fits the trope of improbable aiming skills with his impressive feats of shooting two deer at once or managing to catch three woodcocks with a less suitable rifle, exterminating a reindeer herd on his own or hitting targets with an impossible precision from an amazing distance.

Ushiyama too comments on how he’s Ushiyama, the Undefeated, even if he lost to Gansoku here and there when they only used fists (Chap 143).

Just bragging a little on a real skill isn’t a sign of grandiose sense of self-worth, just of rightful pride for it. Yeah, modesty is an important virtue but you don’t turn into a sociopath if you’re proud of what you can do.

What’s more noteworthy though is he knows he’s a rejected kid, anunwanted one, who wasn’t loved and that feels he lacked something fundamental. He’s aware of how, being an illegitimate, his existence was a source of shame for his father. He comments on how he knew he wouldn’t be able to persuade Asirpa, admitting his failure. He admits his responsibility in his actions.

Therefore I can’t really see him as a guy with a grandiose sense of self worth.

And so with this, we’ve finished with the defining traits for this trope.

Tvtropes also says:

Many of these traits are shared with other disorders, but it's the combination of them all that creates the trueSociopath.

In short you need them all to have a character that fits this TROPE (please, remember, this is a TROPE, the real personality disorder that goes with the same name is not something an ordinary person can find out in real people with this checklist, no, not even if, like me, they studied psychology in high school, this is a list for a TROPE as this is a fictional work).

As a result honestly I can’t see Ogata fitting into them because, for the first 2, Noda actually did his best to remark howthey don’t fit to Ogata from his second apparition, for the 3rd we can’t really say as we lack material, I’ll let the 4th up to debate and honestly, I don’t see him matching with the 5th.

As a trope Ogata fits the cold sniper with improbable aiming skills and an ambiguous disorder (at least for now... who knows, in the future Noda might tell us).

The one of the sociopath isn’t really cut on him.

It doesn’t mean Ogata is a good person, or that he only does good things, it’s clear he does a BIG DEAL OF TERRIBLY WRONG THINGS and we know sociopaths can do this sort of wrong things.

However Noda apparently wasn’t interested in making Ogata a sociopath or otherwise he wouldn’t have written scenes debunking a sociopath’s main characteristics and, believe it or not, in real life you don’t need to be a sociopath to do the sort of wrong things Ogata does so it’s not like Noda is being unrealistic.

Sorry to whoever wanted him to be one, I know each fandom loves to have its own memetic psychopath but as they’re not my cup of tea I fear I won’t partake into the ‘fun’ of turning Ogata into one.

Thank you for your ask!

[magicfeatherspecialist]

Tsubasa Chronicle Month: Day 7 and 8 - Alternate Universe/OTP

soulmate AU where you have the name of your soulmate written on your wrist (and also, soulmates work differently in every world.)

It’s not that Kurogane doesn’t believe in soulmates per se, but the thought of having it decided since the moment you’re born is just ridiculous to him. 

Sure, their parents had each other’s names tattooed in their wrists and they worked out as perfectly as one would expect, but that wasn’t the case for everyone.

It used to be a sacred thing in his world, back in the old times. But after time, people started realizing that things didn’t always work out between the linked names. Some people where soulmates meant to be for only a limited amount of time; others were soulmates in a destructive, violent way. And a small, unlucky few had a soulmate who didn’t have their name in their wrist. Also, the whole thing seemed to work on the basis that you were only able to fall in love once, which was bullshit on itself.

So, when his soulmate’s name appears in his right arm, written in a language he doesn’t even know, let alone understand; it’s not so hard for him to believe the system has botched it again.

Tomoyo doesn’t think the same, and is always trying to find where the language is from, and what it means. He doesn’t share the enthusiasm, but he lets her study his wrist anyway. Hime seems to think it’s a language from another world, and Kurogane sighs, not wanting to take part on that fairly-tale shit . He wonders how does she like the soulmate thing so much, as for what he’s gathered about her over the years, her soulmate deal is fucked too.

He learns, after he’s banished and he finds himself travelling dimensions, not to his surprise, that soulmates have different ways of identifying one another in the different worlds. 

Syaoran and Sakura had the first thing they said to each other written on their wrists. But as a part of their price, Sakura’s has been erased. He can see the pain in Syaoran’s eyes as she asks him about his soulmate, or when she wonders why she doesn’t have any words in her arm. These marks just make things more complicated than they need to be, Kurogane has never been more sure of it.

Fai says his world didn’t have soulmate marks at all. Although that must not be all of it, considering how much he avoids the subject. He’s particularly interested in his mark, though. The mage says he doesn’t really know the language, but it is vaguely familiar. He always looks kind of defeated when trying to figure it out, looking at the foreign words like he hates the damn thing just as much as Kurogane sometimes.

Kurogane didn’t believe in soulmates, so it’s no surprise that when he starts to fall for he mage, he doesn’t really dwell on it and just lets things be. Falling in love with Fai was complicated enough without the soulmate factor, thank you very much. 

He starts to wonder if maybe his soulmate mark is not so failed after all. He knows that, despite his best efforts, he’s absolutely drawn to the mage. He didn’t understand why at first, but now as he sees him, in those quiet moments where his annoying walls went the tinniest bit down, he starts to understand. He’s, behind the pretenses and the fake smiles, truly a good person. He hadn’t believed so at first, with the way he lied constantly, but character is not something you can fake forever. Just as he could tell if a person was evil even though they acted all nice and proper, you could tell when someone had good intentions at heart, no matter how little they believed it themselves.

He was beautiful and immaculate, broken and torn, elusive and lonely. He wanted to get past all of his walls, to know the real him behind those tick curtains of lies. He was completely, inevitably drawn to him, and wasn’t that what a soulmate was supposed to feel like?

Fai hates himself, that’s obvious by now. So he wonders if the language written in his wrist is not just “familiar” to him, and maybe it is its own. He wouldn’t put him past the mage, to lie about something like that. His theory gets debunked in Lecourt, when Fai uses his magic and in it were displayed words and symbols completely different from the ones in his hand. He can’t help but feel extremely disappointed.

Shit happens after that, and suddenly silly things like soulmate marks are the least of his problems. More important things to worry about include being the beverage of a vampire who refuses to talk to him or even look at him in the eye just because he had the nerve to try and save his fucking life. He loved the bastard, he was way past that, but he could be a handful sometimes.

And then he learns what had been of Fai’s life after the trip, and he understands a lot of things. He’s still mostly a moron in his opinion, but the desire of saving those who are dear to him is a very noble reason for doing very questionable things, he supposes. 

He interrupts his last self-scarifying attempt and doesn’t even think twice as he cuts his left arm off to save him. The things he does for this man.

They’re back on Nihon, and he can’t almost believe that coming home again is the last thing on his mind at the moment. Hell, with all that has happened, he hasn’t even processed he has fewer limbs since the last time he has been here either. He has understood what strength means, though, or more of how it doesn’t mean shit if you can’t protect the ones you love with it. Sometimes, no matter how strong you were, things are just beyond your control, and the mage (and the kids) were living proof of that. That’s quite enough to swallow from a night. 

After Tomoyo leaves him with Ginryuu and a peace of mind he hasn’t had in decades, he sees Fai from the first time since all this happened (if with “all this” he means since the escape from Celes or since Tokyo, he isn’t really sure) He had never been happier to hear those stupid nicknames, or to be punched in the face, but the mage had a knack to bring the weirdest sides of him,

They sit in a comfortable but eager silence after that, both with so many things on their minds that they don’t know where to start. Fai looks at his right hand, a wistful look on his face.

“So what happens if you happened to cut your right arm?” He asks, looking pointedly at the foreign name still written on it.

“Who knows. This soulmate deal isn’t very disabled-friendly.” 

Fai laughs, softly and genuinely, before his face turns contemplative again. He has been very quiet, enjoying to be himself for once. Kurogane takes in the whole new expectrum of emotions he’s letting trough, silently fascinated by how good sincerity looks on his face. 

“You know, when we were banned to the tower...well, let’s say the land of the sinners didn’t exactly promote things as sacred as soulmate marks.” Fai started after a silent while. “I don’t even remember what mark we had in Valeria, we were gone long before we could even learn about it, let alone have it.”

“Then, in Celes, it wasn’t a literal mark but more of a feeling, you would see you soulmate and simply know they were the one. But I wasn’t from that country, not really, so I assumed it didn’t work for me.” 

“You aren’t really missing much, they’re not as effective as one would think” Kurogane tells him, looking at his own mark. And then, after a second, he asks “When you said the language looked familiar, what did you actually mean?”

Fai swallowed, looking fixedly ahead. “I’m not really sure but, I know I have seen it before. The more I spent time with you the more I thought about it and now that I look at it...i think it may be...”

“...Valerian?” He completes, suddenly putting pieces in place.

Fai nods. Neither of them says anything, but he knows they’re thinking the same thing. 

“You’re right, Kuro-sama, these things are annoying” Fai laughs, looking relieved. 

“Can’t believe the damn thing was right after all” He doesn’t miss the way Fai’s eyes widen at the casualty of his confession. 

“I may be wrong, I never actually learned Valerian.” His face fells a little, his expression thoughtful and sad, but he takes control of it quickly. “ I could be taking advantage of your fucked up soulmark for my own selfish reasons, kuro-rin.”

“Look, if we are wrong, I’ll let you know. Meanwhile I will have to stick with you.” He tells him, leaning towards him and lifting his chin up.

The kiss his quick and almost chaste, and it startles Fai. The startling doesn’t last him long though, and suddenly they’re kissing again, and it’s not long before they stop talking altogether..

[ivyfics]

With Me - Chap 1

He isn’t an evil ghost. No Poltergeist wannabe, no blood-curdling screams in the ungodly hours of the night. Sometimes Tetsurou moves shit around. Writes things on mirrors with soap, but useful things like ‘you’re out of milk’ and ‘the lady next door is peeking when you shower.’

Kuroo haunts his apartment as he pleases, uncaring of who might also be living in it. He's used to watching people come and go. Then moves in Tsukishima Kei.

Read on AO3

Pairing: KuroTsukki Rating: M Chaps: 1/? (May change in the future)  Additional Tags: Ghost!Kuroo, Haunted!Tsukishima, Tiniest bit of crack, Future angst

 NEXT CHAP - INDEX

So Tetsurou was dead. Is dead. Was?

He has a body but it’s fake?

Fitting into a category of the undead variety always messes with his sense of self so he’s going to ignore all of that existential pile of uncertainty and go with ghost.

Ghost describes him well enough. His original physical body is dead, he thinks. There’s very little else that could explain his crossing through solid things and imperceptibility.

That’s just a fancy word to say he’s see-through.

Tetsurou would know, seeing as he finished reading a thesaurus two days ago. An entire thesaurus. The whole thing.

There’s not a lot to do when you’re dead.

Anyway, back to his smokin' hot bod.

Tetsurou has a body now.

Unlike the last one, this one feels different, like adding extra features to a character in a game and trying to figure out how it works. There’s an opacity setting, for one. That was fun to find out. If he concentrates he can pick things up or make himself visible for a second or two.

He isn’t an evil ghost. No Poltergeist wannabe, no blood-curdling screams in the ungodly hours of the night.

Sometimes Tetsurou moves shit around.

Writes things on mirrors with soap, but useful things like 'you’re out of milk' and 'the lady next door is peeking when you shower.'

The apartment he’s staying at—technically, you could call it haunting, but Tetsurou would like to think of himself as more of a roommate than anything—is not the best, but the people in it are decent enough-ish. Old walls with questionable stains make up the surprisingly garish but well-lit hallways, and the landlady changed the locks after his first tenant moved out, so it’s pretty safe.

Given, she changed the locks because she was sure they would come back to steal things, which they did, but Tetsurou digresses.  

He might have locked out the previous tenant a time or two but the dude was an ass so he had it coming.  The lock is finicky at best and having to wait in a hallway for hours when the key is in the lock but won’t budge was the last straw for the dude after a string of questionable happenings, all courtesy of the live-in undead element of his housing situation.

Being a ghost is pretty okay, but the lack of subtlety means his apartment has a revolving door. One tenant leaves, another arrives. What’s Tetsurou to do, not take advantage of the supernatural prowess he now possesses?

(That’s fancy talk for being super awesome. In a spooky way.)

He’s gone through maybe six in the past year, the last one breaking the record at three weeks before he was moving back out.

Big baby.

Tetsurou’s not expecting anyone so soon, the douchebag not being gone more than two days, but when he’s watching his novela the lock snaps and the hinges on the front door creak, giving way to the terrible dye job the landlady who owns this place has been sporting since he can remember.

She’s stout and her voice is a squeak, rushing over to turn the t.v off right when Federico is telling Luciana that they’re related. Her shirt is this awful shade of yellow that clashes with the orange and purple from her hair.

If Tetsu was still alive he’d offer his services as a hairstylist but at least death brings the benefit of not having to deal with that misery. (Not that her hair could be anything other than a home bleach job.)

Besides that whole thing, there’s what he assumes is the new tenant standing awkwardly by the door. The new dude is tall.  He’s blonde, a first when his hair looks that healthy, curling and framing his face. Natural, too, according to his eyebrows. Either that or he can afford a really good stylist.

Karen’s twitchy, moving things around and fluffing out cushions—including the one right behind him, her hand going through Tetsurou before quickly snapping back as if burnt— all while avoiding eye contact with Eye Candy over there.

“The previous tenant vacated quickly,” Tall Dude says in that way that’s not phrased like a question but actually is.

“Ah, yes. He had some–uh, family things to attend to, so he was on his way,” Karen replies, hands wringing together.

Tetsurou snorts. “Yeah. Family stuff. Definitely not scared shitless.”

Black Rims’ mouth curls, eyes fixed on the tiny line of grime by the sink, “Anything weird with the apartment?”

“Oh, well, yes,” Karen tries to shrug, upper lip sweaty, “the water heater tends to be temperamental, no matter how many times I have it fixed. It’s why the price is so...reasonable.”

Tetsurou laughs. “So that’s what we’re calling driving the price down because it’s being haunted now?”

Focusing back on the screen, he narrows his eyes and throws his hand out with a curl. It’s theatrics, mostly. Just because he’s dead doesn’t mean Tetsurou has let go of his penchant for flair. It clicks back to life, Luciana weeping dramatically.

She’s pregnant with Federico’s baby so it’s a logical leap from where he left off.

Tetsurou glances over to Blondie to see his reaction, only to crash on the landlady. “Did you just cross yourself? I’m a ghost, Karen, not a demon. Rude.”

Big Bird interrupts before Karen can try and flub out an excuse for Tetsurou’s antics, “I’ll take it.”

 Boxes take up half the wall of the living room, and in this apartment, that’s not saying much. There’s not many, five at most, but they’re stacked neatly and out of the way so at least New Dude is not an absolute slob and Tetsurou won’t have to deal with that entire situation.

Being dead doesn’t make dealing with disgusting laundry and week-old Chinese leftovers on counters any more pleasant.

What Nerd Alert appears to be though, is a lonely loser with no friends.

Is that too harsh?

Tetsurou doesn’t think so but no human contact does tend to make him rough around the edges.

He’s seen many a people move-in and even the lowest, most annoying of them had:

A lot more things.

Like, a lot more emotional things. Knick-knacks and such: photos, mementos, discolored and raggedy stuffed animals that have seen way too much with their dead beady eyes ( Mr. Fuzzle was also haunted, in a good way. Someone’s grandma was definitely a witch of some kind).

Someone to help them move in.

No seriously, you’d be shocked. There was this particularly foul asshole maybe three tenants ago that was just the worst. A flaming pile. He had his elderly aunt do all the heavy lifting for him while he had a beer, and yeah, human trash chute, but the point is even he had someone there.

Stringbean has no one. He’s quiet as he sorts the only two boxes belonging to the bedroom. He’s been at it for the past hour, dusk melting in through the one window the living room can boast. There’s not much to do and Tetsurou gave up on human sightseeing less than a half-hour in, silence pressing on his nerves. The screen’s been on since then but it’s been ignored by the living resident, which Tetsurou can admit is a bit off. When Hipster Pants over there walks to the kitchen to get some water he stands in front of the lit television and gives absolutely no shits about it. Keeps on walking, pulls out a water bottle from one of the boxes, fills it up, and goes back to the bedroom.

Tetsurou is baffled.

He hovers over the back of the couch, bored. There’s not much to do once the six o’clock news flash on the screen. Tetsurou doesn’t pay attention to them, muting the sounds. You care less after you die, he's found. 

Low murmuring blends in with voices from the living room, volume low. It piques his interest and starts him into motion. A perk of being a ghost is not having to walk if you don’t want to, so Tetsurou floats.  Eiffel Tower is on the phone, spread out on the bed, clothes strewn around him. Black hoodie pulled up, it covers his earphones and Tetsurou swears he’s talking to himself as he folds for a hot minute before he shifts and a white cord peeks through.

Oh, thank God. He’s not a complete loner.

“Aki, it’s okay. I can move in by myself,” Four Eyes says, leaning over to grab another tee to fold, “you can’t help it. It’s fine.” His voice is soft, unhurried and low.  He has long fingers, graceful as he does something as mundane as clothes folding. They go through the motions mechanically, leaving neatly folded stacks in their wake. “It’s not a lot. I’m almost done.”

It’s a half-truth at best. Piled around him are the rest of his clothes, taking most of the bed. The rest of the boxes are still packed neatly, labeled Kitchen, Winter Coats, and Books.

Two to three hours’ work at best.

A pretty good attempt to reassure whoever’s on the line.

Natural Blonde sighs, pausing to bring the shirt he’s folding to his forehead for a second, eyes closed.“I’ll be fine on my own. Say hi to mom for me. Bye, Aki.”

It lasts only a moment—whatever it is that he’s doing—slow exhales and shut eyes, before he’s setting it aside and grabbing the next one.

Tetsurou was wrong. New Kid has someone, too. News forgotten, Tetsurou looks at him work through the pile, tracking his fingers all along.

Beanpole is in college.

It says so on the student ID sitting on the kitchen counter. His name is Tsukishima Kei.

It’s a pretty name.

It suits him.

NEXT CHAP - INDEX

[data-is-my-favorite-android]

Some thoughts on M!Lorca and Emperor Georgiou

I was reading some posts and thought that a greater exploration of these two characters and their respective villainy may be called for. The main thing I keep coming back to is: is it really so hard to accept that both mirror Georgiou and mirror Lorca are both pretty bad and neither of them should be “sided” with? The sins of one don’t cancel out the sins of the other, and they’re both horrible (albeit interesting) in their own special ways. I’m just sayin’, though Michael will probably have to make an alliance of opportunity at one point or another, neither of them is a “good” choice.

So let’s break it down a little, shall we?

Georgiou:

-eats sentient beings

-doesn’t hesitate to kill a room full of people

-is a-okay with torturing people for life

-may or may not be an overbearing, controlling mother-figure

-kills and subjugates alien races without a second thought

-rules the human population through terror

Big Evil Things all.

Lorca:

-possibly killed the entire crew of the prime Buran to cover his entry into the prime universe (arguably speculation at this point, but something weird happened there and lorca at the very least lied about his “eye injuries”)

-pushes his crew past their limits, jeopardizing their health

-orders Dr. Culber to fake a medical report

-pulls Dr. Culber away from taking care of Paul so he can’t figure out what happened (with an extra dose of gaslighting when Culber accuses him of planning their departure from the prime universe), therefore extending their stay in the mirror universe

-tries to manipulate Katrina Cornwell with sex and, when that fails, sends her into a dangerous situation hoping she will be captured or killed and refuses to help when it is confirmed she was kidnapped (what happened to his whole “i know what happens to people captured by klingons and not on my watch” spiel??)

-puts a traumatized p.o.w back into action without any therapy

-to avoid punishment (and complete his own personal mission) he inputs coordinates to take the Discovery to the MU, stranding his crew in hostile territory and erasing the last coordinates to keep them in the dark

-apparently manipulated a woman named Ava and used her until he was done with her before casting her aside or worse--and he has no remorse concerning his actions

-allegedly manipulated/had a relationship with mirror Michael, whom he must have known saw him as a father, and conspired with her to kill the emperor, her mother-figure (just sayin’, if the relationship bit is true, even if they aren’t technically related and she was an adult when a relationship began, that’s still super problematic. She still grew up under his care looking up to him as a father. The inherent power disparity there is stunning and unnerving. and regardless, her father-figure was helping mirror Michael plan the murder of her foster mother. just...wow)

-we don’t know if he wants to overthrow the emperor to make the empire a better place or just to usurp power. but we do know he was the right-hand man of the emperor, tasked with executing her most sensitive missions (which probably included mass murder on the reg), that he ran his ship in the prime universe like his own personal fiefdom and he didn’t think twice about telling michael to destroy the rebel base, no questions asked

(note, the lorca section is longer because we know more about lorca than we do about the emperor. To that end, I will include more commentary about lorca because, again, I’ve had more time to ponder lorca than evil georgiou)

Okay, so a lot of this might be excused(?) by arguing cultural relativism on behalf of the Terrans. Personally, I don’t think borderline incest is acceptable by any universe’s standards, but for the sake of argument I will agree that the source reporting this likely isn’t reliable and maybe that part isn’t true. But I don’t think Lorca is a “good guy” and unless some dramatic shift happens, I don’t think he should continue as captain.

From a certain perspective, Lorca may be said to have done a lot of good, too, and there are interesting arguments in favor of this. But I also think there’s another side to that coin, and I want to explore that a little more.

Look, Lorca has always struck me as an expert at manipulation. Expert manipulators know that it’s all a game of give-and-take, but they make sure to stack the deck in their favor when it’s their turn to take. They’re also extremely savvy when it comes to securing the loyalty of their followers.

Let’s look at some examples from Lorca’s stint on the Discovery using this theory as our guide.

Busting Michael out of prison? He didn’t do it solely for the pleasure of her company. He needed her for his own plans, as we now know. He also likely meant to cultivate a sense of indebtedness between him and her. When that didn’t go as planned, he had to change tactics and appeal to her curiosity and sense of duty to convince her to stay, a much softer but decidedly more effective approach. And Lorca, above anything else, cares about results, not how he gets them.

Rescuing Sarek? He knew that mission was important to Michael, sure, but he also predicted that allowing her to rescue Sarek would make her feel gratitude and loyalty to him as well as convince her to trust him (trust being one of the most basic and important tools a manipulator has to work with). When she thanked him for his support, he even said as much: “I need a group of people around me to carry the day”. He wants her steadfast loyalty and trust so she will follow him even when he’s doing things she knows aren’t strictly in keeping with Starfleet ideals.

Speaking of which, from the get-go he encouraged her to shift her thinking away from Starfleet’s diplomatic ideals and start thinking in a more zero-sum, militaristic way. She proves a little less pliable than he might have liked, but she trusts him enough that she ignores his underhanded tactics. Still, he has to step lightly around her because he doesn’t have full control of her yet and he knows it. That’s another reason why he has to bend to her will at times; if he pushes back too hard she might begin to question his motives and start to doubt him, and that can’t happen for his plan to work.

Another thing expert manipulators do is forge a sense of commonality between themselves and the target of their manipulation, emphasizing their mutual (but superior) “otherness” from the group. Lorca is quick to call Michael superior to the other Federation scientists around them because she, like himself, can think outside the box and do what needs to be done (”universal law is for lackeys; context is for kings”). They are members of an exclusive club, one that knows what’s really happening, what needs to be done, and the difficult means by which to do it; everyone else belongs to the lackey club that must be guided by their superior insight.

As for other “nice” things he’s done? Springing Tyler out of prison was a strategic decision. Tyler said it himself;

Lorca needed Tyler as much as Tyler needed him.

What about promoting Tyler and giving him a place among the crew? Look, if someone helped me escape a klingon prison hellhole after seven months of torture, I’d feel pretty fucking indebted to them. Lorca also knew that Tyler, like anyone who’s been through torture, would be anxious to get back at his tormentors and be prepared to break any rule to do it (see his conversation with Saru on Pavo).

I wouldn’t exactly call Lorca’s actions here altruistic, but rather a calculated risk, like most of his decisions.

He sounded pretty kind to Tilly when she was freaking out on the captain’s seat, but then again, yelling at her and making things worse would have blown their cover and made a mess of his grand plans, so... *shrug*

The thing that’s so insidious about Lorca, even assuming his intentions are “good” and his end-game somehow justifies the means, is that he’s so good at manipulating people and so incredibly deft at controlling the people around him that it really makes me question his true intentions or feelings about anything. He’s a long-term strategist who can pivot and adjust to any situation, which makes him an extremely interesting character. It’s easy to look at his actions in the moment and say they are good, but Lorca is a big-picture thinker who dons whatever hat he needs to fit the situation. For manipulative people, kindness and cruelty are both tools that must be used appropriately and in the right measure to get what they want. Particularly in the Federation, honey will catch more flies than vinegar, and he knows that.

I’m not saying that Lorca isn’t a fantastically dynamic character and that I haven’t enjoyed watching his arc. And I’m not saying he’s devoid of emotion either; he may have some passing fondness toward a few of his crewmates, but at present I get the feeling that, while he doesn’t want to lose them and waste resources, they’re all pretty expendable if it comes right down to it. I do think he cares about Michael more than he cares about anyone else (that doesn’t excuse the bad things he’s done “for her” though...). And, smart man that he is, he has been careful to bend the truth instead of outright lying when possible. But that doesn’t mean he’s honest or that the sentiment he holds toward Michael is “pure”. I think her mirror counterpart always represented some avenue to power for him. He could care about her while also using her, but that kind of takes something away from the dynamic, doesn’t it? I don’t think you can love someone/have a healthy relationship with them while simultaneously using them imo. Even if he and mirror Michael were working together in full equality, prime Michael isn’t; Lorca is holding all the cards and that means he has all the power in the situation. She hasn’t been given a real, honest choice (as opposed to the illusion of choice), and that is fundamentally unequal and manipulative. He has asked her to trust him, but he hasn’t trusted her with critical information about himself and his goals in return. That’s selfish, dangerous, and pushes him further into bad/evil character territory for me.

Pivoting back to Emperor Georgiou, I also think she cares about Michael--or at least mirror Michael. But that also doesn’t make her a good person or better than Lorca. She’s comfortable in her fascistic regime. She commits genocide regularly and uses torture daily to impose fear and order among her subjects. That’s pretty cut-and-dry evil right there, no excuses. She’s probably her own special brand of manipulative, exploiting Michael’s straightforward Federation ideals and attitudes to her gain. Like, she’s obviously no peach herself (but holy hell, does she know how to dress to impress).

At the end of the day (and with the information currently available), neither of them are a good option for Michael to form an alliance with. On the one hand, she’s got the devil she knows; Lorca seems interested in protecting her, whatever his reasons, but fuck, he’s royally screwed all of the crew on Discovery over, and possibly the Federation too (remember they had the information needed to win the war but that don’t matter if they can’t deliver it). On the other, she has the devil she doesn’t know; Georgiou represents an evil empire, but hasn’t personally betrayed Michael and initially seems to be on-board with getting the infectious ideals of the Federation out of her empire and back where they belong. Obviously neither of them are trustworthy, but they aren’t trustworthy for different reasons. Hopefully Michael will be able to find a solution that doesn’t “side” with either of them and possibly plays them off each other.

Personally, I don’t even think either of them are going to be The Big Bad. I predict that dubious honor will go to:

He only corrupted the Mycelial Network, aka The Cosmic Force That Binds All Life Together. Seems pretty important.

Just a thought.

Anyway, long story short, characters can be evil for different reasons and be equally deplorable (though is Lorca that different from the Emperor? If he was emperor, would he use his power any differently? He seemed pretty okay with the idea of killing all the non-human rebels. Even if it’s all a show and the end justifies the means...that’s pretty ghastly. Hopefully the next episode will shed more light on his character). It’s not a linear spectrum where one must be more evil than the other. They both, at present, look pretty fucking terrible from my perspective. Lorca might pull some more magic out of a hat and somehow make himself less horrible, but that also doesn’t mean he’s automatically a good guy. And Emperor Georgiou could assist the Discovery and that wouldn’t erase the fact that she’s a genocidal maniac. Complex as they both are, they’ve both committed acts of evil and they both should be held accountable for their past deeds.

[butweareafamily]

about - please read the rules first

this is not mandatory to read, these are just details about the canon divergences I already talked about in my rules. Explanations/getting deeper into her backstory. 

Please read the rules, those are what you need. 

Now, details about canon divergences, first about Emma in general, then about her big issues with some characters. This is long, but, again, really not mandatory to read:

-After the curse broke she had, surprisingly, more friction with her mother due to their personalities despite having been closer to Mary Margaret, while David was able to understand her need for space better. Still, she loves them both dearly and even when not ready to admit just how much she needs them she’ll defend them ferociously. She may bring up more issues with her parents as a way to solve them in this blog (in universe, because she’s not as delicate and may accidentally hurt their feelings at times. Example: ‘if I don’t want to go to a date, maybe try to find out why and not assume it’s something to help me get over’ can be a theme of discussion). She’s aware of how much they have lost and how much they want to have her around, which initially is even more reason to want to run away while at the same time means she’d die for them.

The idea of her “regretting” giving Henry up beyond a ‘I wish I had the means to raise him’ is laughable since she was a teen in prison with no home, family, money, and Henry, who would not have been left in her care anyway, would have died soon after an attempt to raise him in a car. She doesn’t regret giving him a chance one bit, she just wishes she had been older and with a support-net that could allow her to keep him. 

-Emma is not pushed to “change, grow to be a ‘better’, more open person and heal from her traumas and open up to the world more” as fast as she is in the tvshow, I’m not limited by their schedule and cast, so Emma will show more consequences of her past life (alone, unwanted, losing in violent ways everyone she comes close to, being betrayed and believing she had been just used by the one person she loved, having been in jail, homeless, hungry, and so on, and constantly being punished for trying to trust and hope until she found her family) and have more dysfunctional behaviors that eventually she’ll leave behind, and some that she’ll stay/regress back to every now and then for the rest of her life. 

She didn’t even exactly had a good idea of what ‘healthy’ looks like for 99% of her life, so she can’t pretend for her family’s sake that she’s well-adjusted in every sense of the word. She can close off and run even in later seasons while still having the natural strong instinct to hope and the even stronger need to keep this family and believe that things will work. That also means bringing up past abuse without always realizing how bad it was or how shocking it might be.

-Seeing Neal again and what happened with Walsh was extremely re-traumatizing, as well as remembering Ingrid right in time for her to die. Also all the deaths and near deaths she witnessed didn’t help.

-Her memories of raising Henry did bring her to a ‘healthier’ lifestyle but the result of those memories and real ones existing in her head together left a bit of a mess of ‘responsibility’ + 'impulsiveness’ + 'stubbornness’ + 'walls’ + 'feeling in charge/feeling lost’. She may take a memory potion to erase her memories of being raised by her parents as a cowardly princess, which was a wish twisted by the evil queen anyway, because that together with fake memories of keeping Henry and fake memories of years in a hospital and real memories of her real life is just too much. 

-That doesn’t mean she’s not going to start taking the roles of mother and Savior, and keep following her instinct, always present, to help people, but she also won’t always be sweet or pick the most socially acceptable responses. She also won’t let people treat her badly without fighting, and in times when she doesn’t fight it (for example Gold telling Milah that Emma had a torrid affair with their son and was now dating her ex) it will be because it hurts too much and she’s used to having to 'take’ pain and shut up about it, it’s not positive and will not written as such. 

-Emma never became “friends” with Regina. She tries to be civilized/diplomatic with her for Henry’s sake and to keep her from turning into the Evil Queen again and lose more lives over it (and Emma knows that Regina was up until now a tyrant who killed entire villages, sent children to a cannibalistic witch, and kept a sex slave, among other things, so a jump into the old evil ways means she’d have to kill her, which Emma wants to avoid), but still, she never forgave Regina over Graham, she never moved past all the pain Regina caused her parents and the things she did up until Henry was kidnapped by Tamara and Greg, or the fact that she grew up alone because of her, and in this blog Emma doesn’t lose the ability to snap at her as time passes by, she just chooses her battles better to keep the peace. In this blog she also lets some canon comments pass when they are about her, still to avoid useless fights and of course because used to so much worse, but likely puts a stop to the ones directed to her parents and Killian because no matter how used she is to toxic relationships she also always felt the need to defend others. Regina’s reaction to Marian’s return cements these emotions and the fact that Emma doesn’t trust her change of heart to be that deep.  The idea of finding the author is not something Emma can support: either it would change their entire lives and they’d stop existing as who they are, or Regina would simply be writing a line about finding a happy ending that would force her and another person to fall in love, and then what could the consequences of a happy ending by force be? Especially since nobody in the show can actually say they have a happy ending, they can just say that they went through incredible pain and now life got a bit better, but there are still constant problems and they are just working on being happy and together. Considering the Evil Queen a separate identity is also a no. Considering Regina queen of everything? No.   So like I said there will be no threads with Regina rpers, and when I rp with others if they are close to Emma they will know her real opinion of her. She also doesn’t trust Henry alone with Regina, she may not know about his memory being wiped in season 2 but she knows Regina was willing to kill them all and kidnap Henry very recently (and even while Regina tries to be a hero instead, she shuts him out in every way when upset over Robin, which hurts Henry). OUAT happens in the span of a few years, depending on the thread it could be still a very recent, very fresh wound even just the fact that Regina helped her mother in her quest to become Dark One and was there when Johanna was killed.  

-She was neutral about Gold in season 2 and season 3, but in season 4 he eventually takes Killian’s heart, and once again a man she’s romantically involved with is almost ripped from her, and uses him as a slave for weeks which alone would be traumatic enough to never trust Gold again, but adding up to that Gold did try to kill her too, as she finds out after these events from Killian, who had come to save her when he got his heart taken. Gold is temporarily sent away so Emma didn’t exactly get to express her feelings, but once he’s back? He’ll never be part of the family for her, and his alliance with the queens of darkness was just one more proof of it, as well as him taking back the dark curse once human and free and erasing Killian’s sacrifice which was for Emma a reason to want him to suffer, even if she didn’t go that far with her actions.

So there is no big birthday parties where she and Killian are comfortable and have fun while sitting at the table with Gold or Regina.  

-After Neverland and experiencing a (fake) life in which she got to raise Henry and to tell Henry what Neal had really done to her (which we see in the show, in New York Henry only knows his father is a conman who let her take the fall for his crime and they are both cool with it, Emma had more time to process and got to keep the baby) she’s very aware that she did in fact stop loving Neal and just loved the idealized version of him and what he had promised her, she doesn’t know who he is now after an entire decade and he doesn’t know who she is. She will not get in the way of him spending time with Henry and she’ll be relatively nice especially knowing he wasn’t just using her but did mean to share a future with her, but she shuts him down even more firmly than in canon. She knew by the time he asked her out that she also had feelings for Killian (but then, she knew there was something special about Killian since long before) but the two things have nothing to do with each other, in fact in the fake reality she had moved on with Walsh too. She will fight with Mary Margaret if asked to give him a chance too. If she can’t defend herself in Manhattan it’s because his presence makes her feel smaller and submissive, that will take a while to go away. 

-Walsh was a very traumatic experience she will vent about eventually, a man pretending to love her, sleeping with her, manipulating her into a relationship by acting in whatever way he needed to be in her life, only to turn around and try to kill her is no joke. So was watching Gold almost crushing Killian’s heart, and so was thinking back of Graham and realizing exactly what had happened. (and so was watching Henry’s almost dead body in the hospital and in Neverland, and experiencing too many realities in her head).  

[evelynnxcarmichael]

MORAL ALIGNMENT                 NEUTRAL EVIL

A neutral evil villain does whatever she can get away with. She is out for herself, pure and simple. She sheds no tears for those she kills, whether for profit, sport, or convenience. She has no love of order and holds no illusion that following laws, traditions, or codes would make her any better or more noble. On the other hand, she doesn't have the restless nature or love of conflict that a chaotic evil villain has.

Some neutral evil villains hold up evil as an ideal, committing evil for its own sake. Most often, such villains are devoted to evil deities or secret societies.

Neutral evil beings consider their alignment to be the best because they can advance themselves without regard for others.

Neutral evil is the most dangerous alignment because it represents pure evil without honor and without variation.

Neutral evil characters are primarily concerned with themselves and their own advancement. They have no particular objection to working with others or, for that matter, going it on their own. Their only interest is in getting ahead. If there is a quick and easy way to gain a profit, whether it be legal, questionable, or obviously illegal, they take advantage of it. Although neutral evil characters do not have the every-man-for-himself attitude of chaotic characters, they have no qualms about betraying their friends and companions for personal gain. They typically base their allegiance on power and money, which makes them quite receptive to bribes.

For the neutral evil being, law and chaos are beneath consideration in this character's quest for pure evil in the universe. At the root of this character 's personality is the word "wicked." Evil is his goal; natural and man-made forces, if allowed to take their course, weed out the weak and useless in society. The deserving should take advantage of this condition to further their own goals by any means possible, especially to destroy weaklings who put forward "good" actions to promote the well being of all, which is just an excuse used to deny the deserving their due. To the neutral evil being, life is of no value, for those who cannot take advantage of their superiority don't deserve it, and they'll only interfere with the rightful pursuits of those who do.

A neutral evil character never feels compelled to keep his word. He will attack and kill an unarmed foe (those are the best kind). He will harm and may possibly kill an innocent. He will use torture to extract information and for pleasure. He may kill for pleasure. A neutral evil character will use poison. He will not help those in need without a reward and he works well alone or in a group. He responds well to higher authority until that authority attempts to use the law to hamper his ability to pursue his own agenda. He will follow the law unless breaking it is in his best interest and he's reasonably sure that he will not be caught. He may betray a family member, comrade, or friend if it is convenient to do so and it advances his agenda. Neutral evil characters are indifferent to the concepts of self-discipline and honor, finding them useful only if they can be used to advance their own interests or gain power over others.

ENNEAGRAM OF PERSONALITY               TYPE 8: THE CHALLENGER

Eights generally have powerful instincts and strong physical appetites which they indulge without feelings of shame or guilt. They want a lot out of life and feel fully prepared to go out and get it. They need to be financially independent and often have a hard time working for anyone. This sometimes necessitates that the Eight opt out of the system entirely, assuming something of an outlaw mentality. Most Eights however, find a way to be financially independent while making their peace with society, but they always retain an uneasy association with any hierarchical relationship that sees the Eight in any position other than the top position.

Eights have a hard time lowering their defenses in intimate relationships. Intimacy involves emotional vulnerability and such vulnerability is one of the Eight's deepest fears. Betrayal of any sort is absolutely intolerable and can provoke a powerful response on the part of the violated Eight. Intimate relationships are frequently the arena in which an Eight's control issues are most obviously played out and questions of trust assume a pivotal position. Eights often have a sentimental side that they don't even show to their intimates, such is their fear of vulnerability. But, while trust does not come easily to an Eight, when an Eight does take someone into the inner sanctum, they find a steadfast ally and stalwart friend. The Eight's powerful protective instincts are called into play when it comes to the defense of family and friends, and Eights are frequently generous to a fault in providing for those under their care.

Eights are prone to anger. When severely provoked, or when the personality is unbalanced, bouts of anger can turn into rages. Unhealthy Eights are frankly aggressive and when pushed, can resort to violence. Such Eights enjoy intimidating others whom they see as "weak" and feel little compunction about walking over anyone who stands in their way. They can be crude, brutal and dangerous.

MYERS-BRIGGS TYPE              INTJ / ISTJ

You are an Introvert

Introverts are energized by being quiet, reflective, and calm. They maintain a distance from the outside world and prefer to conserve their energy rather than expend a lot of effort seeking excitement. They enjoy:

Contemplating ideas and experiences

Being in calm surroundings

Exploring a subject in depth

Reflecting on thoughts or feelings

Maintaining distance and privacy

Quiet and solitude

You May Be a Sensor or an Intuitive

Sensors process information in a concrete, realistic way. They focus on observing and recalling facts, experiences, and details. They like to focus on:

Observing sights, sounds, sensations

Noticing details

Experiencing the present moment

Concrete, provable facts

Realism and practicality

Knowledge from past experience

Intuitives process information in an abstract, imaginative way. They focus on ideas and concepts that cannot be directly observed. They like to focus on:

Observing patterns and connections

Interpreting meaning

Imagining potential

Ideas and concepts

Innovation and creativity

Possibilities for the future

You are a Thinker

Thinkers value logic, competence, and objectivity. They believe that every person has a responsibility to take care of him or herself. They are concerned with:

Using logical reasoning

Being unbiased and impartial

Considering costs and benefits

Seeking consistency and justice

Keeping a competitive edge

Making objective decisions

You are a Judger

Judgers like structure and order. They keep organized and plan ahead, resist distractions, and stay focused on their goals. They prefer to:

Create a plan and stick to it

See a task through to completion

Adhere to a schedule

Set goals and maintain focus

Follow rules and regulations

Set clear expectations

CHARACTER TROPES

Wounded Gazelle Gambit - Using self-inflicted injuries, real or fake, to deceive others and manipulate them into doing what you want. Often used to frame a third party, this strategy is particularly effective for, and often used by, women, due to societal prohibitions against harming women.

Green-Eyed Monster - Envy is the desire for some object, item or abstract notion (such as love or power), which can lead to hatred of the possessor(s) of said object. If they cannot secure the object for themselves, the envious party may go so far as to harm or… eliminate the possessor. If they're egocentric enough, they may even destroy/kill the object. The Envious party may not have coveted the object at all until they saw another person having or enjoying it.

Complexity Addiction - They're addicted to coming up with complex schemes. They simply can't help but make an overdone, overblown plan. Maybe they're insane. Maybe they're bored. Maybe they view it as being artistic. Maybe simple plans aren't as amusing or as evil or are just too boring for them.

Villains Never Lie - The villain is usually telling the truth, or something that is "technically" true, for certain values of "true", anyway—there are only a few cases where the villain just makes something up for giggles. 

Crocodile Tears -  Basically, fake tears. Often a key part of a Wounded Gazelle Gambit.

Playing the Victim Card - A character has given a speech about how poor and oppressed he is, that he's a victim of circumstance, and everybody seems to be out to get him. The problem is that the character making all these statements is a villain. ( only used in relation to @jamiefwalsh. too much of a prideful bitch to play the victim to anyone else ).

Bitch in Sheep's Clothing -  The Wounded Gazelle Gambit is a favorite tactic of this sort of antagonist, and if they are genuinely evil, expect them to be a Villain with Good Publicity.

If I Can't Have You... - "If I can't have you, then no one will!" is a Stock Phrase often spoken by jealous and envious or narcissistic characters (often villains) demanding to be loved.  @jamiefwalsh

It's All About Me - Toddlers have this attitude by default, as their brains are not developed enough to understand that other people have different viewpoints. We're less forgiving of (non-disabled) adults who behave this way, also termed assholes.

[kendrixtermina]

Can you please do a type comparison between ENFJ and ESFP?

That’s a broad request b/c there’s a lot to be said about both types but I’ll try my best.  #ThereWasAnAttempt

If you wanted something else  or more specific, (like one of those function-by-function comparisions) tell me so. 

Similarities: 

On the simplest level, they’re both extroverts and feelers; also, they share Ni and Se as valued functions & thus some of the traits & behaviors that come with them, though in the case of the ESFP ni is in the inferior position, so the Ni traits might be simple, blunt or sporadic in their manifestation.

Roughly speaking, both will present as a sociable, enterprising individual involved in lots of activities, very much a people person and, in the best case, full of generosity & great advice, though they might also be somewhat dramatic. 

Also, both types tend to be very much “people people” & can be very extroverted extroverts, though more ambiverted individuals also happen. (Generally it’s more likely for ESFPs to be  whereas ENFJs may deal a lot with a lot of people but also take time for contemplation. )

Pll whose valued functions include the Ni/Se Axis have  a variety of general things in common, for example:

Think in images or often feel that not everything can be expressed in words (At least by comparision)

Are motivated rather than dissuaded by environments in which there’s some competition (though as feelers they’d probably like it to be friendly/ not overly disharmonious)

Easily jump into “alert mode” but need to actively chose to enter “chill mode” ENFJs in particular can tend to overextend themselves or have a hard time slowing down & taking a moment to chill. Se doms meanwhile often have more mental energy than they know what to do with & are more likely to have a need to burn it off through activity, or feel stress from a situation where they’re contrained & have to be still.  Indeed, their idea of “fun” may involve being in an alert state. Not necessarily the stereotypical travel or extreme sports tho, just something that involves being active or at least ready to react.

more drawn to gritty & realistic than cozy & fairytale.

Memories of the past are structured as conclusions/ summaries. “This happened, that happened etc..” as opposed to the more “cause & effect” style of Si & Ne: “There was X detail, and because of that Y happened” in which comparision with the past is explicitly references in comparision. Ni sees events in time less as distinct stages that can be compared & more as a flowing process. When it’s over, it’s the process that remains not the mental pictures of the stages. (Sorry if this is diffuse I can’t exactly mind-read the nearest NJ or SP to get a more concrete idea.)

Tend to buy new clothes frequently (even modest individuals who don’t have fashion as a hobby - SJs and NPs will often wear their stuff until it falls apart & then replace it) & like clothes that catch their attention

get premonitions or “gut feelings”. Of course there’s a sliding scale here (More Ni -> more specific & sophisticated conclusions; More Se -> more details to pick up & extrapolate from & more in touch with instincts) 

On the subject of Si ENJs and ESPs are the types where it’s the least present as the opposing or PolR function (basically, shadow functions come in varying degrees of uselessness and these are the most useless)

Both may balk at the idea of bowing to established tradition & grow frustrated with repetition & may not see what’s fun or worthwhile about static, quiet or slow-paced activities. 

There’s a distinction tho - The ESFP may not be too big on quiet focussed activity, but while they might choose to disregard them & be better at tuning  out discomfort, they very much know where their physical limits are, whereas an ENFJ may be liable to leave the house in garish clashing clothes despite caring a lot about presentation, burn themselves out & have a hard time functioning with a headache. 

Besides, they are some commonalities to all ExFx types (ie, these would also apply to ENFP and ESFJ) - they are expressive, most sociable in informal contact & approach comminication as a means to react to life in the present moment & express their current feelings. 

Differences: 

While these two types share some functions, there’s also some that they don’t share. The most glaring one would be Fi, which, for the ESFP is among their very strongest right there in the ego block, but for them ENFJs is in the Opposing slot (ie, it’s basically an especially useless shadow function)

Sure, it may be easier to tell a Fi dominant from a FJ (again b/c of a very pronounced absence) but even so, for an ESFP, Fi is the primary judging function - the main thing that gets used to make decisions. For the ENFJ that’s Fe. 

So a lot of the differences boil down to Fe vs Fi especially in terms of what they sound like as conscious reasoning. Both use raw emotional reactions as “building blocks” but the structure of the processing is different: 

If you ask “Hey ENFJ, why did you do that?” or “Explain your opinion on X” You’ll hear things like a lot of general value judgements like  “This is bad, that is important, that is helpful, that is harmful” etc.  It gives a judgement on an action, wether it can be allowed or not in a given context. 

Now ask ESFP why they did the thing or what they think about that action - What you’ll likely hear is ultimately also something like a value judgement, but more… not necessarily self-referential or personalized but biographical in the sense that it exists in a larger framework of a person, society or relationship. “This is important to me!” “The person deserves this.” “ “

A Fe user will say things like: “This is a bad thing to do, they should cut it out.” “If someone has been a loyal friend, you should not treat them with suspicion.” (Type of Situation -> Appropiate thing to do) whereas the Fi user will put in more in terms of “They need to learn that this is not okay” or “In friendships, trust is important.” (Specific Context -> appropiate thing to do)

If you ask a Fe dominant  why a bad thing is bad, they might get offended: “Are you saying it’s good? Clearly it made people upset! Do you not care?” After all, why would you be discussing it if not to voice a different judgement? If they don’t get mad, they’ll refer you to Si (”It disturbed the peace and besides it’s just not done”) or Ni (”It caused bad consequences, and besides [philosophical rant]”) depending on the type of Fe dom you’re dealing with. 

Whereas the Fi position would be “So it made people upset. But why?” What’s going on in the upset people that produced the reaction & was it justified? Just like Ti can be sceptical with new info & chew it over/ look at all the info for themselves before chosing to accept it, Fi users can be “sceptics” over emotional displays: If they believe you’re faking it you’ll get no sympathy and if the character arc of a movie didn’t seem believable to them, they won’t cry. 

Sometimes, the Fi user will even tell you “why”, say, a bad thing is bad, citing an experience or a driving principle. Of course, ultimately the Fi reasoning, too, is based on an immediate emotional reaction somewhere, it just takes longer to hit the “ground rock” - and when you do, it’s rarely up for debate. When you get to that point, your Fi friend will typically try to extricate themselves from the topic, “agree to disagree”, or get mad & accuse you of immorality. 

The Fi user won’t debate because they know what their feeling is, whereas the Fe user will assume you’re debating them because it’s not about what you feel or believe in a specific context but wether a bad action can be allowed at all. 

There’s also the difference often described as “objective vs. subjective” but IMHO better described as intrinsinc vs. extrinsic if you’ve read some of Jung’s original writings. 

In extroverted functions, the motivation/focus comes from the object itself: You pay attention to something because it is there. With the introvertes functions, it comes from inside: You pay attention to something because you’re interested in it, or because it catches your attention. 

The distinction is particularly easy to see with the T functions: Ti users pay attention to things because they’re interested in them. A given TP could know everything about their hobby but nothing about what they ought to know for next week’s math test or to keep up with the next big thing in pop culture. Meanwhile, Te users pay attention to things because they’re there - but because a lot of things “are there”, they have to prioritize - In effect, they pay attention to relevant things. Cause & Effect relations with big effects: What needs to be done first, what’s most important? So they’re drawn to topics & jobs that have a huge impact.  

Two Te users, even within the same society, may have different ideas about what’s relevant, but relevancy is seen as an attribute of the object. The object is where the thought starts. Same with the N functions: A Ne user looks at a painting of a Rose & thinks: “Roses can mean purity, love or beauty.” Maybe that particular person also associates Roses with their girlfriend, has some kooky inside joke going on (”Draw a lettuce. Paint it red”) or has a theory that this painter always uses Roses to mean purity. But the thought starts with the object: The Rose, or the concept of Rose as that Ne user perceives it - they build a mental network with “Rose” at the center & other concept around it. Now, picture a Ni user who has a thing about The Evils Of Capitalism & often thinks about it. They hear a story about injustice in the world, and think, “This is exactly why capitalism is evil!” - the story becomes a new node in their mental network, they relate it to a concept instead of the other way around. The thought starts with ‘Capitalism’ and it is in the center of the mental web. 

So what does this mean for Feeling? 

Again, Fe pays attention to a feeling because it’s there: Someone you like is happy so you share in their hapiness. Someone is upset so something needs to be done about it. As for Fi, that’s where the above mentioned “feelings-scepticism” comes from: Wether they’ll pay attention to it or not is something they have to decide based on wether it’s a justified reaction.

There’s tons of post calling one function the empathetic one & the other fake or selfish but the truth is that - For a Fe user, empathy is “I see you emoting & have an appropiate kind of reaction to your sadness” whereas for a Fi user it is “I mentally reconstruct your sad reaction in my head.” That’s also why Fi users are so big on being “understood”. If you’re reacting to the wrong thing/ idea of what they’re experiencing, you’re not doing “emphathy” at all.  

Meanwhile to a FJ, someone emoting merits a reaction, be it support or condemnation - they give most reactions in their vincinity weight to the point that they can end up calling the “correctness” of their own inner feelings into doubt if everyone around them reacts differently; Also there’s the risk of unwarranted reactions.  - meanwhile a FP is technically limited by their skill at “reconstructing” because they use their own experience repertoire. But it’s not about being fixated upon themselves,  it’s kinda like a math professor who only lets you use theorems once you can prove them yourself or having to learn a language before you can read it. The end result can still be sorta bratty because wether they can “reconstruct” something essentially dictates wether they’ll notice it or accept it as real. 

It’s kind of like two different alghoriths for the same problem in which one’s faster but the other uses less space, or a tradeof between false positive & false negative rate - in the best case, both Fi and Fe result in the person doing the right thing & getting along with whover they wish to socialize with. 

But when they go wrong they produce different “artifacts”. 

Hence why an immature FP can be short-sighted and an immature FJ can be meddlesome, but both can be really nice people given some maturity and healthy self-awareness.

Beyond the feeling function itself there’s also it’s grouping/blocking, the perceiving function that it cooperates with. In the ENFJ’s case, Fe “works” in tandem with intuition, for the ESFP, it works with sensing. 

One consequence is that the ENFJ is gonna conceptualize those value judgements - like, they will actually explicitly frame their thoughts as ‘deliberations on ethics’ in an everyday situation & look for opportunities to generalize & find patterns. Meanwhile, with a xSFx the value judgements are more implicit & tied to observations and opportunities for taking action. 

NF: “Usually I can somewhat tell what people are feeling, but not with this person. Maybe he’s all closed off because he feels uneasy in this place? I wonder what I can do to help in situations like this… ” 

SF: “This guy seems kind of aloof. He’s standing in that corner all by himself and I didn’t see him talking to any other people -  is he’s okay? I wonder if I should talk to him.” 

Other Considerations (Enneagram Corellations): 

Enneagram wise, ENFJs are usually somewhere in the heart center with 2 being the most common but 3 and 4 also being fairly frequent (4s are usually 4w3 and there is the odd 1w2 but, it’s roughly that same neighborhood) and it’s those heart center ENFJs that the common perceptions are based on. 

7w6/ 6w7 ENFJs are more uncommon, but when they do happen they’re quite distinct & more likely to be mistaken for xNFPs than anything else.  Goethe (the German poet) is a famous example of a 7 ENFJ. They’re often people who are learned & contemplative to but also very passionate, vibrant and  gifted for evoking feeling in others & the Ni may come out as idealism. 

They embody more the  “expressive, dramatic, fervent, emotional roller-coaster” side of Fe, whereas with the heart-center folks you’ll see more of the “social facade, ethical judgemets, people.pleasing, influential“ sides of it. The 2/3/4s will still be dramatic & the 7s will still have strong opinions about ethics & society but there’s a difference in emphasis. 

By contrast, 7 is the most common enneagram type for ESFPs and a lot of the common stereotypes (either carefree & fun-loving or showy and materialistic) are based on 7s. Though they can carry hidden sorrow or anxiety, 7s tend to be  energetic, upbeat optimists. 

A cheerful “extrovert classic” 7 is probably ESFP rather than ENFJ unless something about them screams “intuitive!” & even the ENFP is more likely.

ESFPs who are not 7s  are sometimes a lot more serious, edgy & dramatic, much like other high Fi users and/or their fellow beta quadra types (ISFPs, INTJs and ENTJs) and can even be a tad competitive & territorial. (like ESTPs but driven by passion instead of cunning - these folks may perhaps not fit the stereotypes of P types but they’ll nonetheless act from internal motivations. Their competitiveness will be focussed on mastery of specific activities, social status and “winning” as well as their passion for the activity & its personal meaning for them rather than objective external goals. (also, these folks are often the most sensor-y sensors around, usually practical, hardy, perceptive, action-oriented & mostly concerned with day-to-day concerns - The only way you could mistake one of these for an intuitive if you’re an intuitive, who is also a teenager, and the ESFP in question is the main character of your favorite book.)

ESFPs are the Fi type most likely to be 2s, but that’s more likely to manifest as them simply being, at best, nice & generous & big on wanting to be loved and at worst kinda dramatic & bitchy/demanding than an outright martyr, hero- or superiority complex simply because developing one requires conceptualizing & generalization - Say, we have two immature type 2s, one of either mbti type.  Betty the bitchy ESFP 2 may not realize she’s contributing to her breakups or that they’re a pattern, instead focussing on what jerks the individual partners were (black & white judgements not uncommon immature or conceited Fi users), whereas Nancy the nasty ENFJ 2 (or 4 for that matter) will be well aware of the pattern but interpret it as “No one realizes how I only do what’s best for them/ that I’m right and they’re wrong” (Seeing one’s conclusion/extrapolation as the only possible truth or outcome, not uncommon of conceited or immature Ni users)

Then, hopefully, both develop some self-awareness & become mature adults or something.