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More fool me, I thought, as muscles covered in primary coloured Spandex vaulted into the room. I took a moment to identify the colour scheme and flick through my mental card catalogue.

Yellow, scaled mesh design, red seams and epaulets... Ah yes, Sunlion. Stupid name. The basic super strength package, which means plan A.

"Overlord!" thundered the wide-necked buffoon, "You have preyed upon the po-" he was interrupted by a five-foot cube of solid iron plummeting from the ceiling and doing it's best to compress his head down between his collarbones. Sunlion staggered and toppled as the iron continued it's journey to the floor, which creaked ominously. I dropped the release switch.

"If you're going to fight, fight. Don't talk first," I told his unconscious form as I returned to pack the bags with bearer bonds. "I mean, did you even read the book? I really don't know what I was thinking when I published it. Should have used a better nom de plume, anyway."

I picked up the pair of bags. "I just got so ... frustrated at the traditionalism of my alleged peers, you know? With all their monologues and unreliable minions and escapable death traps and capes; don't get me started on capes, by the way, I'd be here all day. Anyway, I published the list to help the younger generation of villains escape the cliches that get the old guard long stays at federal expense. But no-one seems to read it, not even your lot, which I thought might get a few sales so you could see what my side are up to."

I tossed one of my special smoke grenades at the doorway three seconds before Sunlion's partner burst in and immediately keeled over in a paroxysm of coughing.

"Predictable timing as always, thank you Axel. It's been nice to chat, lads. I'll see myself out."

You are not that powerful of a villain but you rank high on the wanted list because you don't give prep time and you dont talk too much

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Cinderella rewrite where Cinderella’s father is an unusually successful fisherman due to his secret friendships with the shy and mysterious mermaids, successful enough to attract a moderately wealthy and ambitious bride with two daughters. Once he dies, her stepmother, determined to make sure her daughters inherit the fishing business as dowries by marrying before Cinderella, forbids her from going out on the fishing boats or into town and makes sure she spends as much of her time as possible doing drudgework, hauling offal and cleaning fish. When the Prince’s ball comes around, an important occasion for young women to make good connections, the stepmother forbids her from going, telling her that she needs to get the latest salmon catch gutted and ready for sale instead.

Cinderella’s mermaid godmother calls upon her people to clean the fish and gifts her a dress and shoes of shimmering fish scales that wreathe her in rainbows under the moonlight. She makes an impression on the Prince at the ball so strong that he immediately falls in love with her, and when she’s forced to flee before her stepmother notices her (no masquerade mask or dancing rainbows will disguise her from her own family at close range), the Prince is left with only a delicate fish leather slipper left on the front steps to try to find her again.

He goes around the houses, seeking the owner of the slipper, but Cinderella is once again working in the fish sheds. He stepmother, desperate and determined and having found Cinderella’s other shoe that very morning, realises what has happened and takes a knife to the feet of her prettiest daughter, telling the prince that she suffered an injury that very morning but those are definitely her shoes, see, here’s the other one, and they still fit.

The daughter is pretty and witty and charming, and while the Prince doesn’t feel the same spark and instant sense of connection that he did at the party, he reasons that she’s overwhelmed and in pain and once she’s healed, all will be well. There are no birds to whisper of blood in the shoe – the Prince has seen the bandaged feet already – and the daughter slips on the shoes (the only shoes she has that will fit her, now,) and accompanies him to the palace.

But the stepmother is no doctor, and by the time the Prince gets her to the palace doctors, it’s too late – his beloved has contracted an infection in her feet from the shoe leather, made unclean in its travels. She will survive – it is an infection of a common filth of fish and birds, one that the doctors have potions for for the occasions where dangerously cooked food causes outbreaks – but in her raving, she confesses the whole scheme to the Prince who, furious, returns to the village to find the girl he truly fell in love with, the girl hidden from him.

“Oh, yeah, the fish cleaner,” the villagers shrug. “We don’t see her around very much, she’s probably in the sheds. Her family calls her Salmonella.”

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An adventuring party is in a cage suspended over acid the wizard clears his throat "I just sent a message to my wife she should be here to save us soon." "Wait your married?" Said the rouge "more importantly what is she gonna." The paladin is interrupted by a massive explosion.

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Obliterator - sketchbook

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Blood Angels terminators - done as gift for a friend

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When a student copies an essay online instead of writing it and then painstakingly changes every word to a synonym until the text no longer makes any sense...

call that the Ship of Thesaurus

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It would be really useful, please

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"Quivering" is my least-favourite word in the english language. Nothing and nobody should be quivering. If you're quivering right now, stop that shit immediately. Tremble or shake if you must but the quivering has to stop.

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Hey so that was a great date, yeah, but I don't think it's going to work out. Nono you didn't do anything wrong, and I have indeed had a crush on you since we started high school, it's just... well, I didn't want to bring it up at the time but we kinda got sucked into a portal fantasy midway through. We saved the kingdom over and over, relying on our knowledge of and trust in each other every time, throwing ourselves into the firing line to protect each other and using each others' conviction as a rock. We got married and lived a happy life together until the portal sucked us back mid-battle and you gave up all your memories of our journey in order to save my life right when we ended up back in the coffee shop. Yeah that was when I got a bit weird and went to the bathroom.

Anyway I thought we could push on and make the date work but I have all of these memories of secrets that this you never chose to share, decisions that this you never made, and intimacies that this you never experienced. And it's kind of screwing with the vibe yeah. Also on the date it was really, blatantly clear that you're sixteen whereas I have memories of ruling a fantasy kingdom for thirty years so like... that's a problem all on its own. Anyway this you just feels more like a daughter to me. A daughter with the woman I gave my heart and soul to over and over and received like in return, only to lose her forever on the journey home. On the plus side I can definitely help you with your math homework now.

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Without hrt, Christmas is just cismas.

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what is it they put in the hardware store to make it smell so good

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The night sky on Mars

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Sounds like an accurate description of Tumblr to me.

i wish i lived with all my mutuals in an apartment building that would eventually definitely burn tot he ground or be condemned

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Can someone please explain to me what evaporated milk is? Wouldn’t that just be gas by definition? I live in constant fear

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Can someone please explain to me what evaporated milk is? Wouldn’t that just be gas by definition? I live in constant fear

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