#99.999% sure this has been said before

[itzshrike]

Star Wars needs a ‘what-if’ series like marvel did. Or they need to like do the original endings they had for the shows and movies before they switched it. I just need an alternative reality where everything’s okay and nothing hurts.

[ineffablenlghtingales]

So I was thinking. Please, friends, correct me if I'm not remembering correctly (bc haha it happens sometimes, like the hangover bit in my last recap)...but nobody...as in nobody, not Aziraphale, not anyone, told Crowley or insinuated that he should drink the laudanum and therefore prevent Elspeth's unaliving herself, and resulting in (him helping her, encouraging her to the exact opposite of what he's meant to as a demon) what we presume is punishment since he's dragged down to Hell afterward.

Okay, that happened in Edinburgh, in 1827.

Now let's go back to the French Revolution, (1789 - 1799) which, needless to say, was before that.

Aziraphale is ready to thank Crowley for helping him out, but the demon sharply warns him not to. To paraphrase, "Don't. If Hell finds out, I've been helping an angel, I'll be in trouble. My lot doesn't send rude notes." What am I trying to say here?

Crowley knew full well the trouble he could get in to if he was caught helping an angel. It's exactly why he doesn't want unwelcome ears to hear Azi thanking him for a good thing he isn't even supposed to be doing. Whether he knew all the details or had experienced it himself earlier than 1827, we don't know (hah at least I don't know, I haven't read the book just yet and this is all I know), but one thing I'm 99.999% sure of is that he's probably the only demon in Hell in this show who has done anything remotely good. I mean, I don't think Eric, Hastur or Ligur were wandering around doing stuff like that. So any memory or past experience Crowley has of the misfortune that might befall him because no good deed goes unpunished....I think would come from personal experience.

Now, that being said, it seems that in 1827, Crowley, of his own volition and without anyone else suggesting he do it, did what he did and ended up saving the girl. Also, telling her to be 'not pretend-y good but properly good'. So we assume, he gets punished for that.

I was just thinking about this and it seemed an interesting connection. And yet another reason why despite the fact that I love both Aziraphale and Crowley (because you cannot separate the ineffable husbands) I love Crowley just a little bit more.

[boredliondisorder]

Full accountability: Y'all can think I'm stupid for this if you want. I don't care. Just please don't post that in the comments. I know.

I've been really trying to be noticed in creative spaces my whole life. I know it's hard because of the BPD, because setbacks always feel like rejections. But now I'm almost 42 years old, and it's becoming harder and harder to make friends or even connections.

I remember back when I played on MU* games, there was a huge creative community that I desperately wanted to be part of. But my art was never good enough for them to want to embrace me into their circle, and one was actively hostile toward me and I never discovered why. I was undiagnosed and I probably tried way too hard to be liked.

That's just a little background.

But I've always wanted to work with other creative people. I always just miss the boat, either because I'm too cautious or I just don't understand certain trends until it's too late. And fuck, it's so lonely. I talked to my therapist about this the other day, because I really thought I found a kindred spirit in the comic artist I was working with for the NSP comic, but I must have said or done something wrong, because when the comic was finished, he stopped responding to me. And it sucks.

My therapist says she thinks I'm too careful and that puts people off. Like in the critical "are you friend or acquaintance" stage, I always come across as wanting to keep the other person at arm's length. That wasn't the case before. Before, I'd rush in too fast and put people off that way. I can't find the happy medium.

So now for the stupid part I promised y'all, because I'm 99.999% sure this ship has sailed. And I'm gonna censor this, because I don't want fans to find it and make fun of me for it.

A couple years ago, I realized that 4rin from G4me Grmps would be the perfect VA for my audiobook. I knew I'd have to come up with a lot of money to get him, because he's a professional voice actor and would have to be paid SAG/AFTRA rates, but I started hearing his voice as Meadow. I started writing Meadow with lines he'd actually say.

And you know... I actually thought it would work out. That I'd email him and make a professional offer and he'd get back to me and we'd work out a contract. I thought, you know. I'm not well-known in the creative community, but I think if I make a decent offer, he'll at least respond.

And I thought I actually had a good shot. Actually, I was sure it would happen.

I emailed his agent twice and got no response. I even sent the offer, which was a reasonable starting point for negotiations. I mean fuck. I researched this. I found the sweet spot for him in particular. I looked up the proper wording. I offered my phone number for any questions and I NEVER do that.

I really, really hate that I have no credits to my name because I never get a chance to make any. I hate that my lack of credits leads to more dead ends. And I'm completely sure that because I am an unknown name and there's no reason for anyone to trust me, I'm passed up on multiple opportunities.

I just need a break. I just need someone to give me a chance.

Even stupider, I sent a cameo request to someone which was essentially asking if I could send ANOTHER cameo request to interview him for research for my second book. I stated that an interview would be better. I hoped he'd let me email him. I cannot write this part of the book without help.

I know this was dumb. But I really hoped we could work something out without me having to come up with the money for another cameo. I think if my name was more recognizable, maybe he would have given me that convenience. But I'm no one, and I'm stuck there.

People tell me to keep trying, but how much can one person try before they're just exhausted. I AM still trying. I'm pushing myself to my limits. I'm tired. I want other creative people out there to want to know who I am, but even my friends are encouraging me to stay in my lane. And... what if that IS my lane?

I know deep down that it isn't. I know it's not in the cards for me. I'm getting too old. I'm not someone people look up to or want to talk to. I haven't been able to distinguish myself in the 41 years I've been on this planet.

The only thing to do is to keep trying. But I'm realizing more and more that my efforts are wearing me down to nothing, and eventually I'll need to stop and accept that I'm not worth it.

[spikeface]

rambling about taking pain on teen wolf

I’m 99.999% sure that the writers just used and described this phenomenon however it was expedient for them at the time, but in the spirit of turning it into a somewhat cohesive canon, I’ve been thinking about the evolution of the show’s understanding of what it means, and especially what that means for Theo’s, and to a lesser extent Stiles’, emotional growth.

The phenomenon is first introduced by Deaton, who frames it as a form of painless generosity (“Battlefield”):

DEATON: I know you're well aware of what your new abilities can do for you: improved strength, speed, and healing. You ever wonder what it could do for others?

He doesn’t claim it will do anything but take a little of a dying dog’s pain, but says that that gesture is significant (“a little can make quite a difference”). Incidentally, he is also making boys with abusive fathers/Alphas weep at the realization that they can use their power over small creatures in kind and nurturing ways, because that’s exactly the kind of teacher/father figure Deaton is.

Next up in pain-taking-teaching is Peter, who frames the exact same phenomenon as the pained person taking something from the one helping them (“Alpha Pact”):

PETER: It's that spark of power that makes you an Alpha. When you take her pain, she draws on the power that provides you with those special gifts: the power that heightens your senses, your strength; the power that transforms your body.

Everything for Peter is framed in terms of power and transaction, and crucially, it’s a zero sum game (this is also very similar to the Desert Wolf’s perspective on motherhood in “Apotheosis:” “Talia said it was a gift, that the coyote passes down part of her power to her daughter... I call it ‘theft.’”). Part of Derek’s evolution is not to reject Peter’s framework, but to reject his conclusion. He understands it as giving up power, but doesn’t care about power anymore; he wants to save his sister.

Then, in season 5, Deucalion uses taking pain as a way to consume someone else’s power. This is fascinating! Deucalion has inverted another traditional werewolf thing. He’s made a pack of Alphas, destroyed Betas instead of creating them, and now he turns taking pain into a way to take power instead of giving it up. I think this is why we only ever see Deucalion describe taking pain like this. Unsurprisingly, Theo seems to be his only student, and he understands it “perfectly,” since Theo, like Deucalion, is used to breaking the rules/norms of the supernatural world. It’s very significant to me that Theo subsequently takes pain from Josh, Tracy, and even the Beast. The boy can do it! He just does it in this toxic way that represents everything awful about his pre-Hell outlook on life.

Because, of course, after he comes back, Theo can’t anymore. Mason sees this and claims that it’s because Theo doesn’t care--and certainly, caring seems to be fundamental when Deaton introduces it. That’s why, I think, Isaac does it before anyone has explained the phenomenon (Deaton and Scott only explain afterwards); he wants this dog not to be in pain, so he automatically takes it. But! Crucially! Mason is wrong; caring is not required. Theo has taken pain before, and it wasn’t from a place of empathy.

I think Theo is unable to take pain from Mason post-Hell because he only understands taking pain in this toxic way still, and he’s genuinely trying to move away from it. I imagine him thinking to himself, “Okay, Theo, you got this. Just take pain. Don’t do it as part of this lethal consumption of everything Mason is. Don’t eat this boy who represents everything you’re not, the Doctors’ greatest success, at one point the Beast himself. Don’t. Do. It.” 

And, of course, nada. This means, ironically, that Theo can’t take pain anymore not because he doesn’t care but because he does -- he’s trying not to hurt Mason, which is the only way he’s used taking pain before. This shifts Theo’s arc, but to one that I think makes more sense for him. Theo has, imo, always cared--always wanted a pack, and human connection--just in a toxic, destructive way. His redemption arc is learning not to care but how to care, and that’s bound up in learning how to use his skills, which he previously used to hurt people, to help them instead. This fits his friendship with Liam, where he learns to use his ability to manipulate to walk Liam back from the ledge of his anger (when Liam is about to kill Gabe), and use his previously weaponized understanding of the human psyche to helpfully explain to Liam how his fear converts to anger and how emotional triggers work (at the zoo). By the end, Theo has learned how to use his powers for good, essentially, and is in a place where he can confidently take pain from Gabe without also consuming him. Gabe is a fitting recipient for this because, like Theo, he also cares very deeply--he does try to help Nolan--but his caring is ultimately (self-)destructive and doomed.

The last way we see taking pain come up is as a way to spark the healing process, which reverses the initial catalyst for it: causing more pain. Causing pain, it seems, does actually spark the healing process, as we learn from people steeped in old guard werewolf knowledge like Derek and Noshiko. But! That’s not the only way of doing things, and it might not work if the person is already in overwhelming pain. The first person to stumble upon this is Malia, who comes up with it all on her own as a way to help Corey (in “Lie Ability”). This is a fitting symbolic move for Malia, who has been left to come up with her own approach to life as the abandoned orphan of two very toxic parents. In her worst moments, she turns to violence that would make her parents proud. In her best, she thinks of, with almost no awareness of the context, creative alternatives to traditional ways of doing things.

The second instance of taking pain as a catalyst for healing is with Hayden and Liam, after Liam has been hurt by the Beast (“Maid of Gevaudan”). At that point, Stiles represents the old guard knowledge:

STILES: Okay, okay. Okay. Scott did this with pain. He could trigger it. Uh... pain makes you human. HAYDEN: He's already in pain! STILES: Right! Okay, but maybe adding a little more could help take away the pain?

I love Hayden for hearing that advice and immediately rejecting it. Here, Liam and Hayden recall Allison and Scott and the general theme of season one. Allison rejects almost all traditional Argent wisdom in loving Scott. Here, Hayden rejects traditional werewolf wisdom in loving Liam. Causing Liam pain to help him when he’s already in overwhelming agony sounds dumb! She’s going to take pain away instead--and it works! Turns out, some traditions are limiting or even bad and the kids will come up with new, better ways of doing things!

What I really love about this moment is that the old way of doing things is represented here by Stiles, who indirectly quotes Derek’s most destructive philosophy when he says, “Pain makes you human.” Stiles’ entire approach to life is almost always about causing and feeling pain with, I think, largely good intentions. Like the cause-pain-to-start-healing idea, this can work! His willingness to hurt himself and others helps him be brave, and protect people, and make hard decisions he thinks are necessary. But causing pain won’t help anyone past a certain point, when someone is already in a lot of it, and nowhere is this more evident than in Stiles’ arc in season 5. 

Stiles starts that season in a lot of pain, most of which imho stems from the nogitsune (which also presented a funhouse mirror version of siphoning pain where the nogitsune “ate” the pain instead, which Stiles experienced). Stiles’ paranoia about Theo and angst about Scott trusting him is, to me, a sign that Stiles is very much not healed from the events of 3b, where Stiles watched (and was forced to enjoy) Scott trusting the nogitsune and paying for it with a sword twisting in his guts and that pain-eating. His explosive “you trust everyone!” is really about how Scott trusted Stiles when he shouldn’t have (because he was the nogitsune), though Stiles can’t bring himself to say that for many reasons. Most of his distrust of Theo, I think, can be explained by the nogitsune--Stiles claims, after all, that Theo “isn’t Theo,” the same way Stiles wasn’t Stiles when he was the nogitsune. 

But Stiles’ response to his pain from the nogitsune is to lash out at himself and others, which helps exactly no one. In season 5, Stiles is now constantly presented with the lesson that hurting himself and others ultimately won’t help heal anyone, especially himself. He lashes out at seemingly-innocent Theo and it doesn’t help. He hurts his hand and it doesn’t help. He hurts his car and it doesn’t help. He beats Theo up and it doesn’t help. He hurts Scott at the hospital and it doesn’t help. Like Theo, Stiles is in a self-destructive tailspin, where tactics that have worked before are only driving him further and further into isolation and darkness (tempered only by Scott’s endless forgiveness and his father’s blind love, a topic for another day). The climax for this is, for me, when he’s trying to find Lydia in the tunnels with Theo (in “Lie Ability”). Stiles is doing a fantastic job of hurting Theo (who, to be fair, is a little punk who deserves it!), but is forced to realize that unless he quits that and actually does something constructive with Theo, Lydia is going to die. 

But I don’t think he really understands what he’s doing, or conceives of any alternative to it, until the moment with Liam and Hayden, where he essentially voices his philosophy for the first time: pain defines being human as opposed to a werewolf (a sentiment that recalls his rant to Scott about being human), and causing pain is helpful. Stiles watches Hayden reject this, and sees how taking pain away is a much better way to initiate healing. After an initial smile at Hayden’s success, Stiles’ expression, even as he makes a joke about doing things differently (“I’ll kiss him next time”) is extremely morose (see below), as he realizes, for I think the first time, that he’s going to have to find a better way of doing things or he’s just going to be causing more pain. I think this arc is part of what causes him to work with Peter in season 6, after naming him as the epitome of irredeemable evil in season 5.

[olivemac]

heartbeat | chapter one | b.b.

Summary | When Steve Rogers asks Kate Stark to find the Winter Soldier, she gets too involved.

Notes | Captain America: Civil War re-write, essentially. Starts just after the events of CA: Winter Soldier.

Pairing | Bucky Barnes x fem!oc, Bucky Barnes x Stark!oc

Genre | romance

Rating | explicit

Story Warnings | mild angst, fluff, romance tropes, so many romance tropes, coarse language, alcohol use, canon-typical violence , smut (m/f), oral sex (f&m receiving), 18+ ONLY

Chapter Warnings | mild angst

master list | AO3 link

_____

"You have a lead on Bucky already?" Sam asks, climbing into the passenger side of Steve's car. It's only been a few days since Natasha gave Steve the folder containing information on Bucky Barnes's Winter Soldier transformation.

"Not exactly," Steve says, "But I know someone who might be able to help. We're going to New York."

"So, who's this mystery informant?"

"Kate Stark."

"Stark? As in Tony Stark?" Sam pushes, looking at Steve incredulously.

Steve nods, "Tony's younger sister. She's supposed to be some genius hacker and pretty good at tracking people. Nat says we can trust her."

"And you think Tony will be on board with this?"

"No, but from what Nat said, Kate won't have a problem keeping a few things from Tony."

_____

When they pull up in front of a brick townhouse in Tribeca, Sam whistles.

"I'm pretty sure Taylor Swift lives in this neighborhood," he says.

"I actually know who that is," Steve replies, climbing the steps to the front door, and Sam laughs.

Steve met Kate Stark following Loki's attack on New York, and the only thing he's certain of when it came to her is she is somehow both exactly the same as and vastly different from her older brother. She's quiet, a little aloof, and lacks Tony's easy charisma, but the Stark charm isn't completely lost on her and neither is Tony's sarcasm. Steve sees more of Kate's father, Howard, in Tony, but she shares their cockiness. Tony describes her as "too smart for her own good" and "prone to bouts of Millennial ennui" (always said with an eyeroll). She works for her brother at Stark Industries - mostly so he can keep an eye on her - but Nat told Steve that before SHIELD imploded, Nick Fury had been trying to recruit her for years.

"Captain America," Kate says with a smile, answering the door, "Natasha said you'd be dropping by."

Steve returns her smile.

"Come in," she says, opening the door further and ushering the two men inside.

She leads them to a small, dark study just off the entryway. Three walls feature floor-to-ceiling bookshelves, crammed with books, wrapping around the doorway and picture window. The final wall is covered in computer monitors. It makes for quite the contrast, and Steve has the feeling this room is a perfect reflection of Kate herself – both modern and old-fashioned, connected and cloistered.

"Kate Stark, Sam Wilson. Sam, Kate," Steve introduces, then continues, "Nat said you could help us find Bucky."

Kate nods once, "She filled me in on the details, sent me a somewhat redacted copy of the Winter Soldier file. But I can't make any promises. He's a trained assassin; he knows how to avoid detection. But I'll direct some Stark tech toward it, see what I can do. Tony doesn't need to know."

"Thank you," Steve says, "We should get going."

She shakes her head, "You drove all this way, stay for lunch. Do you like Thai?"

"Yes," Sam interjects before Steve can turn her down. He didn't sit in the car for four hours to have them turn right back around again.

"Brilliant. I'll order."

When the kitchen table is sprawled with empty takeout containers and Kate has pressed Steve for as much information on Bucky that wasn't in the file as he was willing to give and then pressed both Sam and Steve for a full play-by-play on their takedown of HYDRA, she shows them out.

"Thanks for lunch," Sam says.

"And thanks for your help, Kate," Steve echoes.

"Of course. I'll let you know if I find anything," she says, smiling.

Then she closes the door, locks herself in her study, and gets to work.

_____

"You found something?" Steve asks, looking at the wall of monitors in Kate's study. Each screen displays a continuous scroll of faces from CCTV footage around the globe. Kate's trying out her latest upgrades to Stark Industries' facial recognition software in her bid to find Bucky.

It’s been more than eight months since Steve asked for her help, and she’s finally had a minor success.

"Yes and no," she says, directing his attention to one screen, "I got a hit in Kiev last week, but I haven't gotten anything since." She pulls up a grainy CCTV photo of a man with long, dark hair and a baseball cap pulled low over his eyes. "My software is telling there's a 99.999% match, but since he hasn't shown up anywhere else in the city, I think he's moved on."

Steve sighs, "At least we have confirmation he's alive." He scrubs a hand over his face and continues, "He pulled me from the river, I know he did. And he wouldn't have done that if he didn't remember me."

"I'll keep looking," Kate says, "Now that my software has spotted him once, he should be easier to find."

_____

He wasn't easier to find.

Another eight months pass without a single lead in her hunt for Bucky. Kate is caught somewhere between obsession and despair. She flips through his HYDRA file obsessively. She stares at his military photo for hours, trying to reconcile the man with the soft eyes and smug smile with the horrors of the Winter Soldier. She reads books on Captain America and the Howling Commandos, and her stomach cramps at the thought of telling Steve she can't find his best friend.

In a bid to distract herself from what she considers her failure, she throws herself into her work at Stark Industries. Tony would be delighted if he weren’t facing his own regrets and heartbreak following Sokovia.

She leaves her software running 24/7 but stops checking it so frequently. She's practically avoiding her study and that wall of monitors that remind her that she hasn't succeeded in finding Bucky yet. She's set up a workstation at her kitchen table and run through the new updates for FRIDAY three times already when she hears the faint beep of her software finding a match. Her breath stalls.

Kate thinks about ignoring it. If she ignores it, she can't be disappointed when it turns out her software is wrong.

But she can't ignore it.

The beeping grows louder as she makes her way to her study, a mixture of hope and dread forming in her chest. She opens the door and flips on the light; and there he is on her monitor: Bucky Barnes.

_____

next chapter

_____

A/N | It's been quite some time since I've written anything creatively so let me know what you think. Just trying to flex that writing muscle again.

[matth1w]

Can I ask for a Lucifer Morningstar fic where the reader to pregnant, hasn’t told Lucifer yet and panics starting to lie to him and avoid him. They resolve it when he does some of his own detective work and he decides he wants you to know he likes the child. Bonus points of stuff like ‘well now I’ve trapped you and you’re mine...’ (like playfully) Thanks.

Detective Morningstar

Pairing: Lucifer Morningstar x Reader

Summary: You’re pregnant with Lucifer’s baby. Great, right? Wrong. You know how much he doesn’t like children. So being a responsible adult, you… lie and avoid him. Lucifer does some detective work and finds out, because of course he would.

Warnings: Unplanned pregnancy, angst, language, talk of period, talk of yeast infections (just wait) 

Rating: Everyone

Word Count: 2,709 words

Note: Lots of internal dialogue in this one, with lotsa cursing. Indicated by italics. Also, part of what took so long - my first attempt at this was much less happy and required me to get into a certain mindset. The rewrite is much happier and lighter. And pregnancy fics just take more effort from me.

Note to Requestor: Thank you for requesting and your patience, nonnie! I hope you enjoy! 💕

Tags: @kittenlittle24​

It was about four in the morning and you were thankful for your natural inability to hold your bladder through the night. Lucifer didn’t seem disturbed by your getting out.

Heavy sleeper and used to it, I guess.

You slowly closed the bathroom door with a soft click and opened the cabinet just as slow. Thankful you had fixed that squeaky hinge.

Your eyes fell on the bright box in front of you and you grabbed it with trepidation - hoping your period would start and wake you from this nightmare. You opened the box quietly, swearing internally at the foil wrapping.

Why did they make these things so loud??

It wasn’t necessary. All it did was make it perfectly clear to anyone within a mile’s radius that you were taking a pregnancy test.

You paused after finally pulling it out - so on edge and nervous of making any sound Lucifer would overhear.

Nothing came from the bedroom so you got down to business.

Yuck, of course you got a little on your fingers.

Okay. All done. Now just five minutes.

God it felt like an hour.

Any bleeding?

Nope.

You checked. Still had hope even if it was a week late. You had been practically begging for your period.

You made empty promises to never complain about your period again.

You checked your phone for the hundredth time in the five minutes.

Finally.

You didn’t even pause before looking at the test.

+

Shit.

Hold up, it could be a -

Nope. Definitely a +

+ means pregnant right??

Shit shit shit.

Wait.

Could be a false positive. Those happen all the time.

Yeah, sure, your brain aka reasonable Y/N thought.

You looked into the cabinet to get another one, a different brand.

As much as you were freaking out, you realized that wasn’t the best idea. You’d wait until tomorrow.

I’m sure I’ll get my period by then and it’ll be some weird false positive...

Yeah.

You pushed the feeling in your gut down. It could be wrong.

It had to be.

1 day and 1 more positive test later...

You sat on the couch, Netflix running but not earning your attention.

You were too busy thinking at break-neck speed.

... Well he came around to liking Trixie. Becoming like an uncle to her. Now when he called her monkey it was affectionate.

And he loved and was even affectionate to baby Charlie.

So maybe he wouldn’t be mad. Or upset? Or idk disappointed?

Oh God, that would be the worst.

Wait, God!

Hey! Dad in law! Can you help out here? Take little bugger out?

I mean you helped Mary so just like say the spell backwards.

Yikes.

Let’s hope He wasn’t listening. Pretty sure that sent you straight to Hell ten times over.

Speaking of Hell, this was his fault! He’s the one with the freaking sperm!

But.... you’re the one whose body betrayed you. Apparently your uterus had too many months of preparing for a baby just for it to get torn down.

Maybe it was a fake. False positive. People get those all the time.

Across two different brands?

Ugh, shut up, reasonable Y/N.

3 days and 3 more positive tests later...

Maze you whisper-yelled through your teeth and shook your hand to get her to come over once she looked up from her spot on the barstool.

“I’m fucked.”

“Why?”

Maze asked with a suspicious look.

“I’m... fucked”, you cursed.

“You can’t tell anyone. Especially you know who.”

Maze smiled and nodded, curiosity piqued. She loved secrets.

You sighed, the omnipresent string of curses running through your head before you spoke again, taking a deep breath and spilling it all out.

“I’m like 99.999 percent sure I’m pregnant.”

You sucked in air, having to breath after saying that all so hurried also because FUCK, you just said it out loud.

Your best friend/practical sister just started at you, chewing on your lip.

She shifted on her feet.

“Are you...” she was trying to gauge you and the situation. “Happy?”

You made faces as you tried to think.

Were you?

Petrified. Anxious. Happy? Okay a little. If you weren’t worried about Lucifer’s reaction maybe you would be.

You mean, it was kinda cool you were like making life.

“Uhhhh...”

Maze nodded slowly at that. Understanding nearly perfectly well what was going on.

“I see. And you’re worried about Lucifer?”

You nodded, scared of even saying his name.

“What if he doesn’t like me like that?”, you sighed, wanting to cry.

She just stared at you, but it was no use as you had dropped your head in your hands. She waited until you lifted your head back up before speaking.

“You’re literally married.”

Oh. Right.

“Yeah but...”

She flicked you in the forehead.

“Stop being an idiot, YN.”

“What are my two favorite ladies gossiping about?”

You jumped out of your skin. Neither of you had noticed your husband/ father of your child until he stood just a foot away.

Shit shit shit.

Say something!

You looked to Maze but she was giving you nothing.

Fuck. Okay uh...

“Uh... VAGINAL ITCHING!”

Lucifer stopped himself from putting his hand on your shoulder. His face was a hilarious mixture of confusion and strange acceptance.

No one said anything so you had to go again.

“Um... yeah. Maze,” you gulped at the daggers coming from her eyes.

“I mean, I.... uh, I think I got a yeast infection.”

Lucifer nodded furrowing his eyebrows. He just turned on his feet and walked away.

Once he was out of reach, Maze snorted.

“You’re a mess! Vaginal itching??”

You buried your head in your hands once more and groaned.

— — —

When you went to bed that night Lucifer was already there.

“What have you been up to darling?”

Reading articles about how to tell your husband you’re pregnant.

“Um. Uh.... Reorganizing the closet.”

You smiled and laughed a little too loud as you realized how utterly stupid that was considering he was in the bedroom. With full view of the closet.

You blushed and tried to laugh it off.

“Sorry, babe. I’m super tired. I’ve been out of it.”

He chuckled. “That yeast infection?”, he mused.

You nodded over enthusiastically. “Yeah the uh, yeast infection.... Itchy itch!”

You cringed.

Itchy itch? Who says that??

Lucifer pursed his lips, trying so hard not to laugh at you.

“Yes, itchy itch indeed. Let me know if you need me to run to the store and get you something for that. I was planning on going out tomorrow.”

You gulped. Fear and paranoia coursing through your veins.

He nudged your shoulder.

“CVS has those chocolates you like on sale so I thought I’d pick some up.”

You sighed. A little too eagerly. Then tried to cover it up.

You couldn’t trust your words so you smiled and leaned in to kiss Lucifer.

He held your lips for an extra moment and pulled away slowly.

“I love you, Y/N” he said. Certainty and firmness evident through his tone and eyes that held yours.

You closed your eyes.

“I love you too, my angel”

— — —

You stopped as you stepped out of Lux, taking a moment to appreciate the warm LA sun hitting your skin. You closed your eyes and held your head high.

Today was going to be a good day.

Someone cleared their throat next to you and you frowned.

Or not.

Opening your eyes you saw you sister in law, Remiel.

Ah, fuck.

“Remy!” you exclaimed, trying to be excited. Like you didn’t know what was going on or why she was here.

She looked at you unamused.

“Y/N. I thought you said you used protection.”

Your face fell and you slumped. Embarrassed as Remy brought up your old conversation.

When she came down to try to take Charlie to Heaven she made a comment about expecting Lucifer to be the one to create a nymphlim.

And you of course said that you two used protection and she wouldn’t have to worry about that.

Which wasn’t a lie, you had been! You just... kinda stopped.

You laughed awkwardly.

“Yeah…” You swallowed.

“Since you’re here... am I actually…?” your throat tightened. You couldn’t say it.

In an instant your sister in law eyes softened.

“Yes,”

You nodded, looking away as you bit your lip, trying to hold back the tears from spilling onto your cheeks.

Remy came closer to you and put her hand on your shoulder.

“Hey,” she began, her voice soft and almost unfamiliar from what you knew of the hunter.

You looked up at Remy and tried to smile.

“I guess,” you sniffled. “I kept thinking it wasn’t real. That all the tests were somehow wrong.”

You shuddered out a shaky laugh, meeting her eyes quickly.

“But I guess if you’re here and you can tell...”

Remy grunted in agreement. “I can smell it clearly.”

You chuckled and looked back at her, not surprised to see her serious face. But that left after a moment to a sly smirk.

You sighed and decided to go in for a hug. After a quick flinch, Remy brought her arms loosely around you.

“You’re not mad?” You sniffled against her shoulder.

She laughed under you as she pulled away, holding you at arms length.

“No. I learned my lesson with Amenadiel. I wanted to offer my help. The child of Lucifer will be highly sought out.”

You blanched. “Sought out? Like...”

She nodded seriously. Her mood instantly changing.

“Yes, Y/N. Many will try to get ahold of your child for their own benefit.”

You just nodded back, unable to handle the situation and desperately wanting to not think about it.

Remy seemed to notice your fatigue and tried to smile again.

“But there’s no need to worry about that now!”

You smiled back, trying to relax as well.

“Well... since you’re here...”

“Remy!”

Lucifer shouted from behind you.

Your husband walked up to you both and pulled his sister in for a tight hug.

“So lovely for you to stop down. What are you doing here?”

Remy went to say - the truth. So you spoke up first. Almost drowning her out.

“I invited her for pedicures!”

“Ooh pedicures?” Lucifer turned to you with excitement.

“Yeah. Uh, Girl family bonding. Like just girls! ... Sorry uh no boys allowed.”

Luci chuckled as Remy just looked on.

“Sounds lovely.” Luci couldn’t even try to hide the love in his heart seeing his wife and sister together.

You stepped in to give him a quick peck on the cheek then back to Remy and wrapped your arm in hers.

“Bye Luci!”

There was a glimmer in his eyes as he pulled out the corvette keys from his pocket and handed them to you.

“Have fun, darling”.

You smiled up at your husband, appreciative of the act.

He gave Remy one last look before he walked back inside.

It was quiet for almost a minute before Remy broke the silence.

“You haven’t told him yet?”

You sighed and hung your shoulders.

“I’ve been meaning to but I just... I’m so scared.”

“Of what?”

You looked at her. She really did want to help.

“Hey uh, if you’re not busy. A pedicure would be nice.”

She smiled. It truly was a nice sight.

“Sure.”

— — —

After you got home and said your goodbyes to your sister in law you hummed happily, trying to not be nervous.

Thankfully Lucifer wasn’t home so you relaxed in front of the tv with a snack.

When the elevator door dinged, you jumped up as Lucifer was quite cheery.

“What’s got you all smiley, Mr. Morningstar?”

He chuckled. “Well, Mrs. Morningstar, not only did they have your chocolates on sale. I also got a coupon!”

You giggled at him. Lucifer Morningstar. The Devil himself. Clipping coupons with such eagerness like a domestic housewife.

He walked over to you and held up the bags. You gawked.

“Luci, how much chocolate did you get??”

He gave you a sly smile.

“Oh I noticed we were running low on some items so I got them as well”

He held your eyes and in that moment you knew you were caught. But you tried to play dumb.

“What stuff?”

He tilted his head at you.

“You know, darling. Pregnancy tests. You’ve gone through quite a lot these past few days.”

You felt the color drain from your face.

“Luci...”

He held up his hand and walked over to sit beside you.

“Y/N. Whatever the reason, I want you to know you don’t need to lie anymore.”

You had to look away at the intensity of his look.

“I’m the Devil. Sensing truth and lies is my thing.”

He put two fingers under your chin to make you meet his eyes.

“And even if I wasn’t. You’re a bloody awful liar. Pedicures?”

He gave you a crooked cheeky smile and you couldn’t help the groan that escaped you.

“I know. But Luci...”

He wasn’t moving to speak so you took a breath and continued.

“I thought you would be upset. I mean, other than Trixie and Charlie, you don’t really like kids. And having a kid, it would tie us together forever. And I know we’re married but it’s different? And I just...”

Your voice trailed off when you looked back up at Lucifer and saw him shaking his head.

“Y/N, my darling wife. We were tied together forever the moment I first saw you. And a child? To be honest, seeing my brother with Charlie it sparked something in me.

“And when I saw you and Remy standing together today - I hoped she was here for the same reason you had taken almost every kind of pregnancy test. And didn’t use any tampons. And didn’t eat any of your period ice cream.”

You felt the blush grow on your cheeks and bumped your head into his shoulder - trying to desperately hide your embarrassment.

“You used your detective skills on me, Morningstar?”

He laughed wholeheartedly as he wrapped his arms around you.

“You aren’t that challenging of a case, love.”

You let yourself laugh.

It shouldn’t surprise you.

Wait.

He said hoped.

Hoped.

“Luci...” you stilled under him, “You said you hoped?”

“Yes,” he said simply.

“Really?”, you said softly, so surprised by his words.

He nodded then leaned in to kiss you, saying all he needed to say with the passion and love pouring from his lips to yours.

When he pulled away you took a breath, feeling like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders. Staring into the eyes of your husband, you knew his words to be true.

“You want this? A baby? Our baby?”

He smiled, lighting up at your words.

“Yes.” He shook you slightly.

“I want all the babies you’re willing to give me. Because it’s you, Y/N.”

You couldn’t help it.

Yep, time for the waterworks.

“Oh, Luci” you sobbed as you dove to hug him.

He held you tightly as he soothed your pain.

“It’s alright, love. Everything’s alright now.”

After a few minutes of crying and comfort, you sniffled and wiped your eyes. Unable to form words that could convey how you felt, you just looked at your husband, smiling softly, eyes glistening and showing relief, gratitude, and love.

He brought you back into his arms and hummed softly.

— — —

Later that night, when your limbs were intertwined between the sheets, the emotional toll of the day mixed with sleep to loosen your tongue.

“Luci... you don’t feel tied down to me??” Your voice was quiet - scared and hopeful.

“Darling.” Lucifer chuckled before he saw the seriousness on your face.

“We’re married.” He said as he stroked your cheek down to your shoulder.

“But a baby.” You nuzzled into him. “It I don’t know... it kinda ties you to someone forever.” The wetness of your eyes coming back again for what felt like the millionth time that day.

Lucifer shifted, pulling you closer to him and lifting your head so your eyes would meet his.

“Being tied to you for the rest of my life isn’t a prison, my darling - it’s a gift.”

[gofancyninjaworld]

Crack Theory: The Evil Wish Granting Fairy of OPM

It’s April 1st and while no one’s in the mood for jokes and japes, how about a crack theory? :D  Guaranteed to be 99.999% nonsense.

Looking at the way powers develop in One-Punch Man, I sometimes wonder if there’s a wish-fulifilment fairy at work. You get what you wished for.  But, there’s a twist.  People think that if they get hold of a genie, they’ll wish for money, or long life, social status.  Sure, they will ask for those things. But what they won’t consider is what’s behind those publicly-expressed wishes.  The fears and self-destructive beliefs that lie behind the requests, that’s what the Evil Wish Granting Fairy of OPM listens to.   Characters get what they say they want, but in such a way as to potentiate and reify what they truly fear.  And often, it destroys them.

Where the Evil Wish Granting Fairy has gotten really dangerous is with Saitama.  Saitama wanted to be so strong that he could send any villain flying in a single punch. He got it. But his deepest fearful belief is that he’s unimportant, that nothing he does will ultimately matter.  And the world is doing great in validating that fear:  no matter how many monsters Saitama punches, there are always more.

Genos has wished to acquire the power to oppose even great evil. He’s gotten that, but his deepest fear that he is weak and deserves to suffer for it.  The world’s doing a great job of finding ways to validate that too. It’s always possible to magic up a monster that’s bigger, or stronger, or faster, or more ruthless, or more able to exploit a chink in the armour than before.  It’d be no problem if Genos were just a regular schmuck, but unfortunately, he’s strong even for a Class S hero and isn’t easily intimidated. The horrors that need to exist to satisfy his wishes are truly frightful.

Neither of these fears are secret: nearly as soon as they start speaking about themselves, that’s what comes out.  Saitama notes in the very first episode of the anime that despite being a hero for three years, there is as much evil as there ever was from which he can conclude that his efforts have made no impact (or in the fifth chapter of the manga/webcomic if you prefer reading). Genos thinks it’s a miracle that he survived and sees it as a burden rather than a blessing (second episode or the seventh chapter). 

Since the two of them have met each other, their wishes are combining in the worst possible of ways.  Combined, their fears call forth more and more monsters in ever more terrifying configurations.  If nothing is done, it’ll end up with them fighting a monster that destroys the planet.

There’s two ways to lift such a curse. One is for either or both of them to die, but we’re not too fond of such an outcome.  The other is to resolve the problem by confronting and repudiating their fears which would look like Saitama hearing and truly accepting that yes, he is important and what he does truly matters, whether or not he sees its full impact, and by Genos accepting that he is strong enough, that he is worthy, and that the concept of karmic punishment is nonsense.   To be fair, Genos *has* said that to Saitama, when he notes that but for Saitama destroying the aliens, the Earth would have been doomed.  Saitama brushed it off then as proof that prophesies are unreliable.  And Saitama *has* said as much to Genos  when he asks if the latter is sure he’s not strong enough yet. Genos brushed it off as needing to be absolutely sure of victory. 

So that’s my crack theory.  That the planet of OPM is cursed by a wish-granter that listens to one’s darkest fears.  That the Earth’s greatest heroes have accidentally doomed it by the nature of their wishes and fears.  And that the only way out is for them to listen and believe what each says about the other. 

[ceealaina]

Nice Day for a White Wedding

Title: Nice Day for a White Wedding - Chapter 1 Collaborator Name: ceealaina Card Number: 3088 Link: AO3 Square Filled: S1 - FutureFic Ship: IronHusbands Rating: Teen Major Tags: None Summary: After years living happily together, Tony has finally gotten up the courage to propose. The wedding is going to be perfect, and all his dreams are coming true. The only problem? Rhodey maybe wasn't paying attention when he asked, and maybe doesn't know what he agreed to. Word Count: 5455 Chapter One | Chapter Two

“… Honeybear? What do you think?” 

Rhodey blinked to find Tony staring at him, a hopeful, expectant smile on his face and oh god. He had zoned out completely thinking about his schedule for the conference he was going to next week, and he had absolutely no idea what they had been talking about. 

“Um,” he said, trying to buy some time, and Tony’s smile dimmed slightly. He reminded Rhodey of the nervous, terrified kid who had walked into his dorm room at MIT, and he would shoot himself in his knee before he would let Tony feel that way again. “Yes,” he offered, hedging his bets. Tony’s smile had been more shy than the manic look he got when talking about armies of robots, so Rhodey was probably safe, right?

“Are you sure?” Tony asked, but already the smile was blooming back across his face, eyes going bright like Rhodey had just made all his dreams come true. “I mean, if you don’t think it’s a good idea…” 

“Yes, definitely,” Rhodey told him firmly. “It’s a great idea. It’s gonna be great.” 

Oh god, he really hoped he wasn’t agreeing to an army of robots. 

Tony beamed at him for a long minute, and even if Rhodey had no idea what was going on, Tony’s smile was contagious and he couldn’t help grinning back at him, laughing when Tony started laughing brightly. Tony’s eyes got a little watery, but before Rhodey could question him on it, he was launching himself forward and wrapping his arms around Rhodey’s neck. Rhodey had no idea what was going on, but he was never gonna complain about having Tony in his lap. HIs arms moved automatically around Tony’s back and drew him in close, the two of them making out in the lab just like old times until Jarvis interrupted to remind Tony about his meeting with the Swiss investors. Tony pulled back, still grinning wide. 

“I love you so much,” he told Rhodey, giving him one final peck before hopping off his lap. “We’ll talk later!” he called over his shoulder, heading out the door with a definite bounce to his step. 

Rhodey leaned back against the desk and sighed, scratching at his chin ruefully. He had definitely just agreed to an army of robots. Pepper was going to kill him. 

*

What with one thing and another, Rhodey didn’t end up seeing Tony again for the rest of the day. He was in bed, in that dozy almost-asleep state, when the door cracked open. He couldn’t help smiling at the ceiling before rolling over onto his side, watching through half lidded eyes as Tony moved into the room, stripping messily out of his clothes. He disappeared into the bathroom and Rhodey drifted off again, waking with a jolt when Tony bounced on the bed a few minutes later. 

“Jesus,” he muttered, earning himself a giggle as Tony clambered over the bed, draping himself over Rhodey’s chest and burying his face against his neck. Rhodey couldn’t help grinning, moving his hand to card through the soft waves of Tony’s hair. “Hey Snickerdoodle,” he whispered, letting his eyes fall shut as Tony’s beard scraped over his neck. “No late night in the lab?”

Tony hummed and then blew a raspberry against Rhodey’s neck, because he was an actual child. “Guess I just missed you.” 

Rhodey grinned again, his eyes still shut. “Missed you too, baby.” He felt Tony shift, and opened his eyes to see him propping himself up on his elbows so he could look at him properly. Tony’s eyes met his, searching them for a long minute before he broke out in a wide grin. 

“God, I love you so much,” Tony breathed, before he was leaning down, kissing Rhodey thoroughly. 

Rhodey moaned softly against his mouth, arms wrapping around his back as Tony shifted to straddle his waist. He had no idea why he was being so extra affectionate tonight -- even for Tony -- but he definitely wasn’t complaining. “I love you too,” he breathed against his lips. 

They kissed lazily for a few minutes, Tony rocking absently on top of him and sighing softly as Rhodey stroked his fingers up and down his spine. “Okay, okay,” Tony said finally, breaking away to nuzzle at Rhodey’s neck instead. “Rain check? I’m wiped.” 

Rhodey nodded, even as his hands tightened around Tony’s back. “You gonna stay here tonight?” he asked, feeling Tony’s lips curve into a smile against his adam’s apple. 

“Nowhere else I’d rather be, honey bear.” 

*

Tony woke in the early hours of the morning, the sky outside still dark. Normally Tony would be bitching about Steve scheduling Avengers meetings before any decent human being should even be awake, but this morning he was in far too good of a mood to complain. He wasn’t even feeling the lack of coffee. Rhodey just huffed as Tony slipped out of bed, burrowing deeper into the blankets without waking up. Tony beamed at him, and pressed a whisper light kiss to his cheek before heading to shower.

He was, as per usual, the last one into the meeting, bursting in at ten seconds to the hour. He slid into his customary seat beside Steve, bouncing his leg with even more chaotic energy than usual. 

“Okay,” Steve started. “Let’s call this meeting —,”

“I have an announcement!” Tony burst out, ignoring all standard procedures.

Steve made a show of drawing in a long breath, scrubbing a hand over his face, but when he turned to Tony his smile was pleasant. “Yes, Tony?” he asked, voice teasing. “What’s so important that it can’t even wait for the meeting to start?”

If he’d been in less of a good mood, Tony would have had a comment in return, or at the very least have stuck his tongue out at the other man, because he was a mature and responsible adult. But as it was… 

“Rhodey and I are getting married!” he blurted out, with no sense of preamble. He knew he was grinning like an absolute idiot, and he couldn’t have cared less. “I asked him yesterday, and he said yes, so uh…  Yeah. We’re getting married,” he said again, because he couldn’t get enough of the way the words tasted on his tongue. 

The room erupted into a chorus of cheers and congratulations. “Tony!” Steve said beside him, sounding absolutely delighted. Tony grinned back at him and then he was being hauled off his seat and crushed into Steve’s broad arms. “Congratulations!” he told him, yelling in his ear to be heard over the epic blessing that Thor was bestowing upon them. (Tony was 99.999% sure that he was just doing it to be a shit.) “I’m so happy for you!” 

He was practically passed around the room then, everyone hugging him and giving him congratulations -- or in Natasha’s case, telling him it was about time that he got his ass in gear. He knew she was really telling him ‘I love you.’ The team could get on his last nerve sometimes, but he loved them all completely. They were so genuinely happy for him that Tony felt his chest go a little tight, had to clear his throat a few times before he could properly say thank you. He would have married Rhodey in the middle of an iceberg with only penguins to bear witness, but knowing that the team would be right there celebrating with him made something he would never admit to go all warm and gooey inside. 

*

Rhodey woke up feeling comfortable and refreshed, with the faint memory of Tony’s lips pressed to his cheek in a good morning kiss. Tony would be Iron Man until he died, he knew, but Rhodey was more than happy to stay semi-retired, piloting the War Machine armour as backup, rather than part of the main team, while serving as the Avengers liaison to the military -- well, the president, now. 

Taking his time with his morning routine, he showered and dressed before finally wandering into the common area with vague ideas of finding coffee and then bugging Tony in that order. Steve was the only one around, reading a book in one of the armchairs, but he looked up when Rhodey came in, beaming wide. 

“Hey, congratulations!” he said, actually getting up and coming over to give Rhodey a hug. 

Rhodey blinked in surprise, even as he hugged Steve back. His promotion wasn’t that big of a deal, could barely even be considered a promotion really. It was more of a structural reorganization than anything. “Uh, thanks!” he said, trying to sound as genuine as possible because it was nice of Steve to be so enthused on his behalf.

Steve grinned as he pulled back. “Tony told us all the big news. He couldn’t wait. He’s… Really excited.” 

And that made a bit more sense. Tony was always inordinately proud of everything Rhodey did, no matter how ridiculous or small. “Yeah,” he said, aware that he was grinning a little stupidly, thinking about Tony. “I’m not surprised. You know how Tony is.”

“Yeah…” Steve was giving him a curious look now, but an instant later his expression cleared and he was back to grinning brightly. “Well still. Congratulations, Jim. Nobody deserves it more than you.” 

As Rhodey wandered off for the kitchen, Natasha materialized by Steve’s side, folding her arms across her chest as the two of them watched him disappear. “Betcha ten bucks that Rhodes has no idea they’re getting married.” 

Steve snorted, turning to her with a smirk playing around his lips. “That’s easy money, Romanoff. You’re not fooling me.” He rolled his eyes at Nat’s arched brow. “Again.” 

“Fiiiine,” she drawled, taking a minute to consider. “Fifty bucks says he doesn’t figure it out before the wedding.” 

Steve considered a minute, thought about how ridiculously excited Tony was, how he’d never in his life done anything by half measures. “You’re on,” he told her, shaking her hand firmly. 

*

Rhodey found Tony, as expected, working in the lab, fiddling with the holographic plans to what looked like Sam’s wings. Tossing a ball across the room for DUM-E to chase, Rhodey leaned against the counter next to Tony, sliding a fresh mug of coffee in front of him and waiting for Tony to look up and acknowledge him. When he did, a bright smile on his face, Rhodey arched an eyebrow at him. 

“So. I passed Steve in the common room. Stopped to offer me congratulations…” He huffed out a laugh at the sheepish look on Tony’s face, tinged by genuine delight. “You told everyone, didn’t you?” 

Tony shrugged at him. “I couldn’t help it!” he protested. “I’m just so excited.” 

Rhodey gave him a fond look, leaning over to kiss his temple. “I don’t know why I’m even surprised,” he mumbled. Tony gave a happy little wiggle. 

“They’re all really happy,” he told him, half distracted by his blueprints again. 

Rhodey took a sip from his own mug of coffee as DUM-E came back up with his ball. “I don’t know why,” he said, tossing it across the room and missing how Tony looked up at him sharply and went still, breath catching. “It can’t possibly be a surprise to anyone. It’s just the natural next step.” 

He turned back to Tony, blinking when he found Tony staring at him with wide eyes, welling up and looking at him with this awed sort of expression. 

“Tones…?” he started, but cut himself off with a grunt when he suddenly found himself with an armful of Tony, the other man kissing him breathless. 

“God,” Tony muttered against his lips, hands fumbling with the fly of Rhodey’s pants. “God, I fucking love you so much.” 

And by the time they were sprawled up together on the too-small cot twenty minutes later, both panting for breath, Rhodey forgot all about asking Tony what had him almost in tears.

*

By the end of the week, all the Avengers were in on the betting, and Steve was torn between his deep-seated need to win at all costs, and wanting to drag it out forever because he was pretty sure this was the funniest thing to ever happen to him.

He was watching tv in the common room when the elevator dinged and Tony and Rhodey walked off, bickering good naturedly over something to do with the War Machine suit. Without looking up at them, Steve poked at his phone and switched to some Lifestyle network previewing the top ten wedding locations of the year. Tony didn’t even seem to notice, but out of the corner of his eye, Steve saw Rhodey pause. 

“Uh… Interesting viewing choice there, Rogers.” 

He shrugged. “Never know when you’re going to have to plan a destination wedding.” 

Rhodey snorted at that. “Destination weddings are tacky.” 

Tony did pay attention then, glancing up at the images on the screen, and then grinning at Rhodey. “We are so in sync.” He leaned, giving him a quick kiss, and then grabbed his hand. “Come on, Honeybear. Experiment time. We’re gonna put this to rest once and for all.” 

Steve managed to wait until they’d left the floor before laughing so hard he could barely breathe. 

*

The thing was, Tony constantly had nine million things on the go. He didn’t really have time for things like picking out flowers, and decorations, and deciding on a venue. And, even if he had the time, it was probably better if he didn’t. Pepper, Rhodey, and Happy still refused to let him forget the time he’d decided to redecorate the media room in floor-to-ceiling cheetah print.

Besides, these were all just details. He and Rhodey were obviously soulmates. As long as they were both there, and exchanged vows, who cared whether they had roses, or orchids, or birthworts (whatever those were). Much better to outsource the party planning to the people actually paid to plan parties.

So he’d hired the best wedding planner in the city, and told her to have at it. 

Still, he felt a little guilty for not offering Rhodey any input. 

Rhodey was poking at shit in the lab when Tony came in with a “hey babycakes,” that had Rhodey rolling his eyes, trying to hide the smile that threatened to cross his lips. 

“Hey honey.” 

“So listen, I just wanted to check… Did you want to do any of the planning for the big event?” 

Rhodey blinked and kept his face carefully neutral as he tried to wrack his brain for what event they could possibly be going to.

“I mean,” Tony continued. “I just told the planners to go with their instincts, but it’s not too late if you want a particular cake favour or anything?”

“Um.” Rhodey had no idea what event he was even talking about. It must have been some SI thing. He didn’t remember agreeing to anything, and he had no idea why Tony would expect him to have any input, but if he’d promised to go, he’d promised to go. “I’m good. We should leave the party planning to the people who are actually paid to plan parties, right?”

Tony was staring at him like he’d said something incredible. “That’s almost exactly what I said!” he crowed. 

Rhodey wasn’t really sure why this was supposed to be a revelation, since Tony had never planned a party in his life, and certainly nothing as big as a Stark Industries event. 

“Why sweat the details?” Tony added. “Doesn’t matter, as long as we’re there together, right?” 

Rhodey just stared at him, not even fighting his fond smile this time. “You’re such a dweeb, man,” he told him, softening Tony’s put-on pout with a slow, lazy kiss. “Sure, Tones,” he added in a mumble against his lips. “‘S long as we’re together.”

*

Pepper had known from the minute that Tony called and told her they were getting married that Rhodey had no idea what was going on. Mostly because Rhodey’d been carrying around a ring for two years, and kept chickening out, and there was no way Tony had proposed first without a resulting phone call from Jim throwing an absolute fit over it. 

Pepper planned to stay firmly out of it. 

Honestly, if she’d thought it would be a problem, of course she would have said something. But she knew they’d both be disgustingly ecstatic to marry each other no matter what the situation. So for now, it was endlessly amusing watching Tony walking around even more besotted than usual while Rhodey remained utterly oblivious — except for the brief moments of sheer panic when he realized Tony was asking him about something he had absolutely no memory of agreeing to. 

Besides, those two idiots deserved it for all the ridiculous shit they’d put her through over the years.

It was slightly less funny when she nearly had a heart attack when Steve Rogers pulled her unceremoniously and without warning into an empty conference room. 

“I need to talk to you!” he hissed, like anyone would even hear them through the soundproofing. 

Pepper arched an eyebrow at him, a little nonplussed by how badly he had startled her and trying to play it off. “I can see why you’re not trusted with the spy missions, Captain Rogers.”

Steve just rolled his eyes. “It’s about Tony and Rhodey’s wedding,” he told her. “I think there might be a problem.”

Pepper’s other eyebrow joined the first, and she motioned for him to go on. 

“Rhodey doesn’t know Tony proposed. Tony’s going around planning this incredible wedding, and Rhodey hasn’t even said yes! I think we should say something, right?” He gave her a hopeful look, not entirely innocent. 

Pepper blinked back at him, face not revealing a thing; there was a reason May always pouted about her game face on poker nights. “First of all, the extent of Tony’s ‘planning’ involves him calling a service and dragging Rhodey there the day of, so I wouldn’t be too worried about all the effort and energy he’s putting into this. Second of all, I’m staying out of it. Me trying to tell them means they’ll just not-listen harder. They’ll figure it out at the wedding, at the very least. And thirdly…” She folded her arms over her chest, narrowing her eyes at him. “You wouldn’t be trying to get me to intercede just so you don’t lose your bet, now would you, Steve?”

Steve’s eyes went wide. “You know about that?”

“Good lord. Of course I know about that.” She shook her head, clucking her tongue is disappointment, although she was grinning now. “For shame. I would have expected better from Captain America.” Heading for the door, she paused long enough to glance over her shoulder at him. “Besides. I’ve got fifty bucks that says they won’t figure it out!” 

*

“Honey, baby, sweetheart, love of my life…”

Rhodey groaned burying himself deeper into the blankets and turning his face away from Tony and into his pillow. 

“Rhooooo-deeeeeeeeeey.”

Rhodey shivered as Tony’s lips traced the shell of his ear before he placed feather light kisses over the back of his neck. “‘s too early,” he protested, mostly because it was expected of him. “Go ‘way.” He felt Tony’s lips curl into a smile against his neck. 

“Nope.” 

Relenting, Rhodey rolled over onto his back, blinking sleepily up at Tony. His boyfriend was dressed and alert, sitting cross-legged on the bed beside him with a grin. Rhodey glared at him and then shoved him until he tipped over, just because he could. “Stop being so in love with me,” he grumbled. “‘s embarrassing.” 

All that got him was a delighted laugh from Tony, an answering smile spreading across Rhodey’s face at the sound. God, he loved Tony’s laugh. 

“I love your laugh,” he told him, because Tony didn’t get true compliments enough, and it seemed important to say, and good lord he was tired. Rhodey scrubbed a hand over his face, blinking a few times when his vision came up blurry. “It’s too early,” he whined again, giving Tony a suspicious look. “How are you so bright and cheery?” 

Tony snorted, rolling onto his side and leaning up on his elbow so he could look Rhodey over with twinkling eyes. “Uh… Probably because it’s almost noon there, Honeybear.”

“What?!” Rhodey rolled over, grabbing his phone from the bedside table and leaving Tony cackling beside him. “What the hell?” 

“Where’s that military training now, huh?” Tony teased, poking him in the side. Of course Rhodey couldn’t let that slide. He grabbed Tony, yanking him over to his side of the bed, their wrestling very quickly dissolving into lazy kisses, Tony complaining about his morning breath and Rhodey ignoring him entirely. 

“Can’t believe I slept till noon,” Rhodey grumped, pulling away when the sleepiness caught up to him again. 

“Well. That is what happens when you stay up half the night playing video games with Clint and Sam.” Tony patted his cheek condescendingly. “You’re not a young thing anymore. It’s okay darling, it happens. Don’t have quite the same… Stamin-ah!” 

Tony cut himself off with a yelp of laughter as Rhodey ambushed him again, dragging him under him for more kisses. “Show you no stamina,” he grumbled, though he only lasted a few minutes before he was flopping back into the pillows with a low groan. “Come on, Tones. Don’t make me get up.” He batted his eyelashes at him. “Ten more minutes, honey?” 

“Can’t,” Tony informed him airily. 

“Because I’m so irresistible?” Rhodey fluttered his eyelashes a little more. 

“Obviously.” Tony leaned in, giving him another quick peck. “But come on, time to get up gorgeous. We’re gonna be late. It’s our final suit fitting”

Rhodey scrunched his face up in confusion. “Suits for what?” 

Tony gave him a deadpan, unimpressed face. “Suits for what, he asks me,” he grumbled. 

Right. The SI thing. Rhodey half tuned Tony out as he started rambling about preliminary measurements and final fits and, for some reason, their matching pocket squares -- why did they have to match? For that matter, why did they even need tailored, bespoke suits? It wasn’t that important, they could rewear something they already owned.

He opened his mouth to tell Tony exactly that, but then thought better of it. Tony probably had a long, rambling justification for why new suits -- with matching pocket squares, apparently -- were necessary. And as long as it made him happy, Rhodey was fine with it. But it also looked dreary and rainy outside, and all he wanted was to lie in bed with his boyfriend and watch dumb action movies while they made out. 

“Hey.” He covered Tony’s mouth with his hand, cutting him off mid-sentence. Tony didn’t even look offended, just arched his eyebrows, looking at Rhodey expectantly. “Or, consider this. You take off all your clothes, put on just an apron, cook approximately fifty pounds of bacon for me, and then it’s just you, me, and Die Hards 1 through 3.” He waggled his eyebrows enticingly. “Come on, Tony. JARVIS takes our measurements, and your tailor has literally never had a less than perfect fit in his life.” He pitched his voice low, rubbing his thumb over that spot on Tony’s hip that always made his breath catch and his body shiver. 

Tony rolled his eyes at him, but Rhodey already knew he had won. “You are a menace,” Tony said, before grinning. “Fine. JARVIS, please tell Giovanni that we won’t be coming into today, and to proceed with the suits as they are.” He leaned in, stealing another kiss. “Just don’t blame me when you trip over your own pants, because they’re too long for your short little legs.”

“Baby, as long as your pants fit right so I get to stare at your gorgeous ass all night, I don’t give a shit what I’m wearing.” 

Tony burst out laughing at that, and Rhodey beamed back at him. 

“Now go! Take off those pants!”

*

Really, Clint’s kind of weird insistence that they all go out to strip club the night before should have given the game away. Or Tony waking him up even more lovey-dovey than usual (although the sweet, lazy wake up sex had been a pretty fair distraction). Or the fact that they were going upstate, for some reason, and that Tony insisted on holding Rhodey’s hand on the way up, steering with his left the entire way there.  

 He was starting to feel a little suspicious by the time they pulled into the parking lot of the inn, the perfect blend of cozy and classy. SI events were usually ultra-ritzy, swanky affairs in glitzy ballrooms in the city. Not… This. And his suspicions only doubled when Tony turned to him in the lobby with glistening eyes, gave him a long, lingering kiss and then pulled back, beaming. 

“See you in a bit, honeybear,” he promised, voice gruff, before he was taking off down the hall and disappearing upstairs.

But it wasn’t until after Pepper had taken him to a different room to get changed with a smirk that he couldn’t quite place, after he’d gotten dressed in that fancy bespoke suit (that fit like a glove), and had Pepper fuss over his hair and his tie and his jacket, after they’d gone back downstairs and he found himself staring out into the beautiful back garden that was arranged with chairs, and an aisle, and what could only be described as an altar, that he realized that he’d missed something very, very important. 

“Oh god,” he breathed, taking a step back and scrubbing a hand over his mouth. “It wasn’t an army of robots.” 

“I’m sorry.” Pepper was behind him again, smirking wide. “What was that?” 

“Pepper!” he whispered frantically. “What is going on? I haven’t even proposed yet!” 

She looked utterly unimpressed. “Really? Come on Colonel, connect the steps.”

“I hate you,” he told her. “You’ve known about this the entire time, haven’t you?” 

Pepper just shrugged. “I had money on the line,” she told him, but then she leaned up and gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. “Hey, relax. You’re marrying the love of your life. Everything you ever wanted, right?” 

Rhodey could feel the goofy smile crossing his lips. “Yeah,” he admitted, and Pepper smiled right back at him. 

“Then go get your boy.”

And then he was stepping onto the altar, where Tony was waiting for him, grinning with no chill at all, like he couldn’t have stopped himself if he wanted. He chewed at his lip as Rhodey joined him, catching his hands and tilting his head to give him a questioning look. 

“You alright?” he asked softly, laughter in his voice. 

“Are you?” Rhodey retorted, making Tony laugh in earnest. “Come on, let’s go.” 

“Alright, Honeybear.” Tony was still looking amused. “Let’s do this thing.” 

*

The ceremony went by entirely too fast and yet they seemed to linger in that perfect moment forever. Tony’s vows were adorable, and geeky, and so perfectly sweet and Rhodey found himself welling up, laughing through tears. And when he stumbled over his own, written less than five minutes ago, Tony laughed delightly, though he was looking a little weepy himself. 

And then Thor was pronouncing them officially married -- before of course Thor was their officiant -- and they were kissing, and it was probably a little too racy for a wedding, but it didn’t really matter because it was their friends, and they were all cheering, and their officiant was a literal god, so who cared if Tony slipped him a little tongue, and if Rhodey had to get his hands on his ass and give it a squeeze.

The grounds for the inn were huge, the reception taking place further down a little wandering path through the woods. The two of them took their time wandering through, hands entwined, and Rhodey couldn’t keep from staring at Tony every few seconds. He couldn’t believe that in just a few short minutes, he’d gone from not even knowing what was going on to being married to the love of his life. He was grinning like an idiot, he knew, but he couldn’t feel stupid about it; every time he looked over at Tony, Tony was already looking back at him. 

The second they’d reached the reception area, though, Tony was tugging him off to a quiet little corner. “You had no idea what was happening, did you?” 

“I…” Rhodey hesitated a moment, because he knew how insecure Tony could be sometimes, and in no circumstances did he want him to confuse not knowing with not wanting. But starting out their marriage with secrets seemed like a terrible idea, and he was pretty sure Tony already knew anyway, so. “Not a clue,” he confessed, scratching the back of his neck ruefully. “Still love me?” 

He needn’t have worried. Tony looked at him for a second, doing his best to look stern, and then burst out laughing. He laughed for so long that Rhodey was genuinely concerned about his ability to breathe, putting an arm around Tony’s waist to keep him upright (and also, because he’d take any excuse to get his hands on Tony). 

“Oh god,” Tony choked in, taking in deep gasping breaths as he tried to calm down. “I knew it! I saw your face, when you saw the altar…” He snorted again. “And I could just tell. Baby, I love you, but nothing compares to that look of absolute panic you had. Funniest thing I’ve ever seen. That is… That’s the greatest wedding gift you could have given me.”

“That’s good,” Rhodey told him dryly. “Cause I didn’t actually get you anything.” 

That set Tony of laughing again, and Rhodey just wrapped his arms tighter around his waist, tugging him close, nosing against his neck and pressing soft kisses against his shoulder. 

“You’re really not upset?” Rhodey whispered into his skin. “I feel like a little bit of a dick, not helping plan my own wedding.” 

“Hey.” Tony pulled his head up, cupping his cheeks and holding him steady so they were eye to eye. “It’s all just details, honey. As long as it’s you and me, that’s all that matters.” 

Rhodey beamed at him, and then they were kissing again, letting heat build up between them until Bucky came by and threatened to pour an entire bottle of champagne on them if they didn’t get things started so everyone could get some goddamn cake.

After, when everyone had eaten and the champagne had been poured, when the dancing had mostly petered out and the stars were out in full force in the sky, Rhodey sat sprawled out on a little loveseat, Tony half sideways and half in his lap, head resting against Rhodey’s chest. He had one arm wrapped around Tony’s middle, combing the fingers of his other hand through his soft curls, and Tony was making, soft, sleepy, contented noises. It felt like heaven.

“Hey,” Tony said, voice drowsy. “Blackmail opportunity for life.”

Rhodey squinted at the stars, but he’d had a lot of champagne tonight, and he was pretty sure that made no sense at all. “What?”

“Yeah, Tony continued, still in that same, sleepy tone of voice. “How’re you ever gonna get mad at me again?” He gave a little giggle, the sound making Rhodey feel warm and content all over. “It’s just like. Hey honeybear? Remember the time you didn’t know we were getting married?” 

Rhodey just snorted, tightening his arm around Tony because he never wanted to let him go. “And I’ll just be like. Hey sweetheart, remember the time you didn’t tell me we were getting married?” 

“Excuse me?” Tony squirmed around and Rhodey reluctantly let him go so he could sit up and face him. “I did tell you! I proposed!! How is that not telling you?” 

“But you never once said the words ‘we’re getting married’ in the next six months?” Rhodey just scoffed. “Geez, Tones. Couldn’t you be a little more excited to marry me?”

Tony stared at him for a minute, gaping. Then he was yanking Rhodey in for a kiss, and then, not much after that, the two of them were slipping back up the path to the lodge, stumbling and love drunk and stopping every few seconds to kiss as they made their way to the honeymoon suite. 

And the next day, when the cover of the New York Times was just a giant picture of Tony’s face with the words ‘I MARRIED COLONEL RHODES’ printed underneath in a font that was nothing short of ostentatious, well… Rhodey had no one to blame but himself. 

@tonystarkbingo

[growinwiththeflow]

You Need a Hard Reset

When your computer, phone, tablet, or almost any other electronic device starts acting up, the first thing a tech specialist will tell you to do is restart the device. I worked in tech support for Apple devices a few years back and while I was busy texting on my own phone, I’d tell customers to hold their home and power button for a reset all the time. I didn't care what the issue was or what our manual said and 99.999% of the time, it solved the issue.

The last few days I haven't had much sleep. Coffee has been my bestfriend, sleep is the enemy because I only want it at work, and headaches and joint pain want to be my bestfriends. When I do get a moment to close my eyes, I’ m having some crazy lucid dreams! Last night was the second time in 2 weeks I woke myself up cause I was kickin the shit out of something in my dream lol. I’m at work and it hit me; I need a HARD reset.

Right now, I’m stressing about an upcoming move. That move has me in a major state of limbo . Once I’m in my new place, I’ll have more space for my business, I’ll know what money I have to spend, what my savings plan will look like for future business investments, but most importantly, I feel like I’ll have my life and peace back. I’m at a standstill and I NEED to keep moving. I thought I had a place and I would be moving there had things worked out in a few days. Once that fell through, I let everything go including myself. I stopped drinking my water and eating right. I just wanted to be in bed even if I wasn't sleeping. It was almost my natural reaction to being disappointed. I went into full hermit mode and I’ve been there for almost a month now. 

You aren't a computer, but you have a lot of working parts the can get out of whack. Stress, work, and not taking time to pay attention to your body and its needs can get you there. So how do you reset? You get away from distractions and get close to you. Yesterday I woke up and spoke to my ancestors. I was up feeling good ready to attack the day. I decided to get back into my self improvement worksheets. Before that apartment fell through, I made a schedule for myself to make sure I focus daily on my personal and business growth. I haven't used it once! At least not until tonight. I didn't sleep well again but tonight, I resume. I’m stepping it up. During this me time, I’m going on airplane mode. No counsel, no apartment talk, no memes, no gossip, just me. My ancestors led me here. If I want hermit mode, it has to be productive. It’s amazing how I come before them and they give me all I need. 

Reset that system. Unplug and recharge. Do what it takes to get back to you.

[siyeonjisoo]

Oookay.  Long post in-coming.  TL:DR is I saw the GazettE yesterday and while it was a really fucking long day, IT WAS AMAZING AND ALL WORTH IT AND I LOVE THEM AND MY FRIENDS <3 <3 <3

SO my day started at 3:50am when I woke up.  got on a train at 5:17 in the morning to get to NYC by 7.  I ended up being the 34th person in line.  The folks at the front of the line had come straight from Dallas and started lining up at 4am which is both insane but awesome.  I was waiting for the discord friends to show up and was the second one to show up.  the line was originally along the front entrance of the building and all mixed.  The business on the corner, however, really hates the lines being in front of their entrance so we actually got split from VIP and GA really early.  I think it was like 9am when that happened and all of us who are familiar with how shit Playstation staff’s organization usually is were shook.

My friends and I had a great time hanging out all day long so I got no complaints, even though I sat my ass on a sidewalk in Times Square for 10 hours yesterday.  We had ourselves organized and knew we were gonna be fine but Playstation staff showed their true identities by trying to fuck with it all day long.  We all got in several shouting matches of them just going on power trips and us trying to explain that they don’t have to worry about us.

I also painted my nails at some point in line haha

Because we were so damn close to the doors, we could hear soundcheck from outside.  They played Zetsu, Shadow VI II I, Sumire, and Bathroom and I was fucking crying so much then.  Those were the first tears of the day, I think, but nowhere near the last.  We were all freaking out over it.

A little bit after that, I went on a trip to use the bathroom (which was the last time I think I went before I got home at 2am lol.  Held anything from like 3pm till then).  We were going to the Hardrock Cafe for that so we had to walk from the alley tunnel where the VIP lines were around the block past the main entrance of Playstation.  A staff member came walking out just as a car was pulling up with 3 men in the backseat.  They all had light blonde hair and masks on.  Staff hurriedly ushered them inside.  I saw the eyes of one of the guys and I swear to god that it may have been Kai.  It was after the soundcheck so unless staff did the soundcheck for them, they went out for lunch after and I saw them when they came back.  Which is possible.  So yeah, that may have happened.

We were allowed to go inside starting around 6:30 so we started organizing ourselves into the number order we had around 5 just so we could be ready when staff started letting us in.  I was standing from 5pm then until like 9:45, after the concert ended.  At 6:10, they started organizing us by letting us snake through to get our VIP bands and (if you were Heresy) other bracelets.  We got like 25 people through that way and it was taking REALLY long so they gave up on that and sent the first bunch through.  Because a lot of people weren’t there (either were GA given a # by accident or just not there) I ended up being within the first 20 to get inside.

I hit up the merch table to get a Reita bear and because of that, lost the chance to get the barricade but I still was in the 3rd row on the side that I wanted to be on.  It was around 7 by then and we were all just waiting for everyone to get in.  I talked with all the people around me and we all had a great time.  At 8:02, the concert started.

Here is the setlist:

99.999

Falling

NINTH ODD SMELL

GUSH

Vortex

Venomous Spider's Web

THE MORTAL

SONO KOE WA MOROKU

DOGMA

The Suicide Circus

INCUBUS

UGLY

ABHOR GOD

Filth in the Beauty

encore

INSIDE BEAST

Cockroach

Tomorrow Never Dies

I managed to keep my spot in front of Reita in the 3rd row for the entire show, only moving like an inch or two away from center, toward Aoi.  By the time Vortex happened, I definitely was not standing on my own feet but was being held up by the crowd and swaying all around with them.  I had one foot on the ground to keep me, well, grounded, and was just being pushed back and forth with the crowd from then on.  I don’t think I have been that covered in sweat in my entire life.  My shirt was fucking drenched, thank goodness it was a thick material so the white didn’t become transparent at least haha.

The folks directly behind me were holding onto my shoulders and back to balance while headbanging and that pushed me forward and backward so I was headbanging better so thanks fam!

I also got a punch in the eye at one point and this was the thought process of my reaction (over the span of like 2 seconds):  "oh no, i'm a daycare teacher! I can't have a black eye!" then "fuck it, I'm at a concert I don't care" then "wait it didn't even hurt that much why was I so dramatic".  There was no damage and I was just being dramatic so enjoy laughing at me.

I was right in front of Reita so I got lots of him.  He stuck his tongue out while making eye contact with me at one point.  I saw heaven in that moment.  He also kept doing this weird little waving thing with his hand throughout and it was really fucking cute and made me laugh while doing it back at him.

Ruki would also hop up in the area right in front of us, right on the edge of the stage, and after the first time he came there, I was on that one foot until the main set ended.  Seeing Ruki’s dorky dancing in person, that close, is so funny.  I laughed so hard every single time he did his little chicken neck dance thing.  Can’t take him seriously when he does that.

Aoi was teasing all of us and being a handsome man.  He also attempted to turn Sono Koe wo Moroku into a sexy song with how he was dancing there.

Kai and Uruha were on their side of the stage the entire time and I couldn’t see either of them very well but every time I did, they were breathtakingly beautiful and seemed to be having so much fun.

Main set ended around 9:08.  We chanted back and forth between encore and gazetto for like 11 or 12 minutes before they came back on.

Aoi and Reita stayed in their costumes while Kai and Uruha had changed into tour shirts.  URUHA LOOKED SO FUCKING SEXY IN HIS BECAUSE he had cut the sleeves off and the collar so it was a low v-neck style.  Made his choker necklace stand out even more and HOLY FUCK IS THAT MAN SEXY.  Kai took his microphone and yelled at us in English about how fucking awesome we were and it was so nice hearing him curse for some reason.  I can’t explain why it was so nice to hear but it was.  After that, they started a slightly elongated instrumental intro to Inside Beast before Ruki came out on stage and he also had not changed out of his costume.

The only time that Uruha came past the center onto my side was during Inside Beast I think.  The only words I could think at that moment were “oh my god, that man is so beautiful”.

I knew that Tomorrow Never Dies was going to be the last song they played so as soon as Ruki started saying “last”, I started feeling like I was going to cry.  But the problem with that was the fact that I had sweated out so much liquid that I had no tears.  So I sobbed but without tears throughout that entire song.  After that song, Aoi, Uruha, and Reita threw their pics into the crowd.  One of Aoi’s landed like a foot or two to my left but either someone caught it and didn’t tell anyone or it got lost cause no one claimed to have caught it after.

Kai had his phone and took a picture from behind his drumset.  I think it was a selfie with us in the background.  Then he came down to the front, smiley as ever, and took some more pics of just us.  I found myself.  I’m in the purple circle here

We then all went up to the chairs in the back to wait for it to be M&G time.  I would have been fine if my day had ended there, honestly, because it had already been amazing.  But no, there was still more.  It was like 9:30/9:40 when they started clearing the rows to go through.  I was surprisingly calm about it because I was concentrating on my promise to a friend.  She was behind me in line and I had promised to get Aoi to wish her a happy birthday since it is today, the day after the concert.  So I focused on that and making sure I could say that to him instead of freaking out over anything else.

so the order was Aoi, Reita, Ruki, Kai, Uruha.  one by one, here is what happened.

Aoi: he takes my hands and thanks me in English.  I thank him in Japanese while marveling in how SOFT his hands are.  Then I tell him, again in Japanese, about it being my friends bday tomorrow and asking him to say something.  He looks at her and grins and nods to me.  Reita is staring at me now and I almost froze having both of them looking straight at me at the same time.

Reita: I hand to him the card I wrote for all of them and he takes it while saying, in English, “For me?” and he sounded so cute.  I corrected him and said it was for all of them and he nodded and thanked me, in Japanese, and I thanked him too.  I kinda didn’t even notice that he wasn’t looking at me with two eyes because I was in so much shock.

Ruki: He gave me the softest smile as he took my hand in both of his.  I thanked him and almost couldn’t let go of his hands.  Not because of me, but because of him not wanting to let go.  I think he saw my tattoo when we shook hands which makes me happy.

Kai: THIS MAN IS SO SWEET.  I thanked him while we shook hands and this is kinda when I started losing my mind.  I let go of his hands kinda fast but I told him, in Japanese, that he has an amazing smile and he tilted his head and smiled at me.  Like just at me and my legs almost gave out under me.

Uruha: His hands.  They are so big.  And so soft.  AND HE IS SO FUCKING HOT.  I had completely lost my mind by then so he said thank you in English and I just couldn’t say anything else but thank you in English.  My brain was goop.

I walked away from Uruha on shaky legs, got my VIP little towel, and then collapsed against a wall and started sobbing.  11 and a half years waiting for an opportunity to thank them, face-to-face, finally brought to an end last night and it all just crashed down on me in that moment.

My friend who was behind me came out crying and came straight to give me a hug and we just hugged and cried for almost a minute, just standing there.  Aoi had wished her a happy birthday, as expected, but Reita did too.  That’s why he had been staring at me while I spoke to Aoi lol.

I just wandered around with my friends inside the venue, trying to keep from sobbing completely because ain’t nobody need that kind of attention from a venue’s staff.

My friends all parted ways to go back to their respective Airbnbs or hotels while I started my lonely walk back to Penn station.  But I was still kinda crying so I scanned the crowd of people also walking in that direction until I found people I recognized to be from this concert.  Caught up with them and asked if I could walk with them for a little bit so I wouldn’t be a girl walking through the city, alone, crying, at night.  We ended up stopping to get food together and chatting for like an hour before I had to head off to catch my train.

I cried literally off and on the entire way home.  On the train, walking from train to car, driving home, every step of the way.  I ended up being awake for a solid 22, almost 23, hours yesterday.  My throat is still sore today.  My neck hurts so much.  My heart is so full of emotions that I am still so close to crying at any moment.  All of the stress about the semester up until now? Worth it.  All of my worries about finals? Gone.  I met and spoke with (in Japanese) the human beings who inspired me to start learning Japanese in the first place.  I will be graduating from college in 13 days as both a member of Sigma Tau Delta and cum laude.  Not to be overdramatic or cringey or anything but I know for a fact that I would not be at this point in my life if I hadn’t found this band when I was 11.5 years old.  11.5 years later, this is what my life is like.  I have the money to afford to MEET them.  And the opportunity for it.  Life can change so much.  Like, if anyone ever needs a reminder that “it get’s better” this is it!

The first goal was just to see them in concert.  That was ticked off the list in 2016 at their first world tour.  The second was to meet them and be able to say “thank you” to them in person.  That was ticked off the list last night.  The new goal? get them all to autograph my arm, under where I have their logo, so I can get that tattooed as well.  My entire left arm is going to be dedicated to bands that have shaped who I am so there will also be Miyavi tattoos and maybe even some Berryz Koubou tattoos there one day but for now, the goal is their autographs.  So look out for that.

Also, check out all of my beautiful and lovely friends.  I love them all so much and miss you all already!! (I’m the blondie grinning like a dork because I was so happy!)

[cards-onthetable]

An Elusive Computer Post

Y’all, 99.999% of the time, I exist on my phone and tablet. It’s very rare that I do any Fandom Stuff or social media on my laptop. But tonight, after This Episode, I had to break out the big guns. I need to be able to type as fast as my brain screams words. tl;dr: EVERYTHING IS THE WORST AND I HATE IT. Hey I’ll do a fun little page break so you don’t have to scroll past this whole thing if you don’t want to. How nice of me. 

Erin

OPENING SCENE AND ERIN’S ALREADY YELLING AT PEOPLE. COOL. 

JUST DON’T with this foster parent (allegedly) killing a foster child thing. Foster parents have enough of a negative perception as it is... a foster parent who “cracked” and killed a child in her care certainly won’t help. And I know this won’t turn into a well-done, thoughtful Discourse on the lack of support and resources for foster parents who are caring for children with complex needs. So I hate it. 

I’m so, so, so sad for this child.

Sidenote re: Sam saying “I’ve already got a mom” (explaining why he didn’t call his foster parent “mom”) - okay, BB, one actual sensitive portrayal here, thumbs up. 

Welp Erin’s boss is an asshole but so’s everyone else on this show. What else is new? 

And now Sam is locked out of his new foster home. Another nice tally in the Negative Portrayal column. This is disgusting. His appreciation for his previous foster parent is obvious (this kid’s a ten times better actor than fucking Will “Dead Face” Estes at this point) and I hate this entire concept. At least the show’s portrayal of the child in foster care himself is positive. 

Now Sam’s at Anthony’s house and this is off topic, but for half a second can we appreciate that Sam is also a bajillion times better at apologies than Jamie Reagan? Nice. 

If Anthony becomes Sam’s foster parent I will be SO ANNOYED. One, because I’m sure the show won’t even hint at an accurate process - it’ll be insta-parent, Anthony walks into some caseworker’s office and walks out with physical custody of a child (fun fact: it takes three months or longer to get licensed as a foster parent). Two, because it’s kind of another blow to the reputation of foster parents that this episode is painting - like the only suitable foster parent in a whole city of veteran, trained, experienced FPs is this newbie? This does not taste good. 

This is a cute scene. Rather than Anthony being Sam’s foster parent, how about he becomes his mentor? 

OH. NICE. EXACTLY WHAT I DIDN’T WANT. “I’m going to sign the papers later today. I’m going to foster Sam myself.” Can we please get some follow-up on this, BB? Let’s please see Anthony trying to navigate the waters of parenting a teenager who likely has attachment-related diagnoses and other challenges. Is Anthony going to get trauma-informed care training? Or is he just going to wing it and hope that it’s all magical and swell? Does he have a sensitive, non-snarky bone in his body? I’m on the edge of my seat. (LOL @ Erin being the voice of reason here.)

OH. WHOA WHOA WHOA. “It’s not like I always wanted a son, but one came knocking and I answered the door.” Remember that line above where Sam reminded us that he has a mom? Do you understand why this line made me gag? There’s a fine line you walk as a foster parent, where you’re performing all the duties of parenting this child as if they’re your own - but you have to remember and be sensitive to the fact that they’re not. Kids in foster care are a package deal, yo, they come with a whole other family too. For teenagers this is an especially important Issue. 

This entire storyline was terrible. 0/10. 

Fat Shaming (Frank and co)

Poor Witten, you guys. That is awful and terrible and dangerous that her partner can’t even make it up 4 flights of stairs. “I’m here and you’re fine” - but what if she wasn’t? 

Did Sid Gormley just use the word “fat shaming” and argue that physical fitness does not affect a cop’s ability to do their job? 

Cops who are on the beat should be able to pass a fairly high standard for physical fitness. The end, basically.

Family dinner (tossed in here due to the topic of conversation): Seriously? Henry’s going to talk about it being discrimination to require cops to meet a physical fitness standard that is a pretty basic aspect of their ability to do their job? Nice. 

Oh, magical, Frank has come up with a Compromise that Makes Everybody Happy. Raise your hand if you’re surprised. 

Danny

TBH I hardly noticed this storyline at all. I’m much too busy angrily scribbling all of the examples of Dismissive Jamie on my whiteboard. Oh well, win some lose some. 

Jamko

The way Jamie brushes Eddie off during this whole New Partner Discussion is gross. Refer to yesterday’s Two Pronged Complaint for the details. 

The Biggest Issues: Jamie minimizing Eddie’s experience on the job, and being too protective of her/failing to be an objective boss. Et cetera. 

“wHaT eLsE dOn’T I kNoW?” suck a dick, Jamie Reagan.  

Peep those obviously empty coffee cups that probably have a piece of dry ice at the bottom to make the “steam.” A+. 

I’m going to keep track of how many times “female empowerment” is said in this episode. I’ll keep you updated. 

So this “fraternal organization” that we’ve all been so stressed about Eddie joining is...basically a women’s intramural sports league? LOLOL so I’m super excited to watch Jamie sputter about how Joe died playing softball* and therefore Eddie shouldn’t join. 

LOOK AT EDDIE. She is legitimately excited about the idea of playing softball, dude. That smile is as much personality as we’ve gotten out of her all season. CAN’T WAIT TO WATCH JAMIE “WET BLANKET” REAGAN SNUFF THAT RIGHT OUT. 

This ~date night~ situation is hilarious in a Young Childless Couple way. 

OH, so NOW Jamie’s interested in a legitimate conversation with Eddie, engaged and responding... with questions in a demanding, rude tone? I’m so annoyed at his whole handling of the Eddie’s-new-partner thing.

GOD why is everything a Female Empowerment Thing? Can’t women just... enjoy playing sports? 

OH HERE’S WHERE IT GETS FUN HOLD ONTO YOUR BUTTS 

BAD IDEA

YOU’RE ABOUT TO BECOME A REAGAN

THAT’S A NO-GO

NOW YOU’RE JUST BEING STUBBORN

“No, I’m being astonished that my fiancé is trying to tell me what I can and cannot do” SAME, EDDIE 

I’m so angry that the scene cuts off there. Did they just go about their stupid dinner date with this Tension floating palpably in the air between them? Did Eddie pull out an “I think I’ll sleep at my place tonight” and stalk away in that red? satin? dress? ? I hope she poured his stupid ON TAP IPA (objectively the worst type of beer, btw) down his shirt and walked out. 

I AM SO SAD watching this scene of Eddie backing out of softball. 

“I’m not much of a joiner” is a DUMB RIDICULOUS LINE and Eddie says it TWICE, folks. 

Witten doesn’t bring up Jamie at all - I therefore assume she doesn’t know Eddie’s a Future Reagan (which is a whole other issue, but anyway.) . Witten thinks Eddie’s backing out so as to avoid associating with Witten. So I assume Witten’s intentions with the softball invite were totally pure. IMAGINE THAT! A woman who wants to be friends with another woman, one who she works with and respects and wants to get to know better! With no ulterior motive! Someone please hit Jamie Reagan in the nostril with a dart. 

I like Witten more and more. Can we replace all the Reagan storylines with Witten, Sam, and Old Eddie in dark jeans and a studded jacket?

A LAUNDROMAT? ONE: Shouldn’t Jamie, as A Reagan, have laundry in his building?* TWO: It he didn’t, why wouldn’t they do laundry for free at Frank’s house every week?*

I CAN SMELL THE TENSION and I am legitimately curious how they’ve coexisted between the date and now. How’s that working out, hmm - that “keeping work and home separate” thing? 

“I DIDN’T TELL YOU TO, I ASKED” says Jamie. Shall we go back a few bullet points to when he told her it’s a “no-go”? 

I NEED TO KNOW WHAT ELSE I NEED TO KNOW - Same, Eddie. Do I really need to reiterate how ridiculous this whole thing is - that they’re engaged without dating, and now finding out that maybe there’s a reason people date first, even if they’re best friends, because this is the kind of stuff you work out before you start shopping for your dress.

“Are we talking, or are we just talking smack?” SOME ACCUSATION from the dumbass who said ALL THE THINGS IN THOSE BULLETS UP ABOVE. 

Finally, for once, Eddie is voicing some real and legitimate concerns. Are we going to get any sort of resolution or mature adult discussion of these things? NOPE! 

Did he seriously just tell her to cut it out? I hate him so much. I hope somebody duct tapes him to the front of those washer/dryers and pulls out each individual eyebrow hair with tweezers. 

This laundromat scene just exemplifies so many of the issues I’ve been rage blogging about all damn season. Jamie ultimately brushing off Eddie’s concerns without ever giving her real answers. Not having the respect for her to even take her thoughts into account. Barking orders like he knows it all, and Eddie isn’t capable of making her own decisions. At least this time that’s the actual point of the scene rather than the nasty subtext. 

EDDIE AND DANNY SCENE: I’m actually surprised that this is the first time Joe has been mentioned. Watching the sneak peek I figured Jamie’s main argument against Eddie joining an organization would be that it’s what got his brother killed (being vague, obviously, since Eddie clearly didn’t know the details). Not that it’s improper As A Reagan. I hoped the context of the episode would make me feel a little better about this scene but it just feels even more out of place and poorly/choppily written. I like Eddie and Danny together - I’d like them to interact more. But this didn’t do it for me. Gotta meet that Joe Mention Quota* on the season, I guess. 

FINAL SCENE: in summary, FUCK THIS. 

Sidenote: When is someone going to get suspicious @ how often Eddie gets pulled into Sarge’s office? 

For the record, I anticipated an eye-rolly “Ohhkay, maybe I overreacted...” speech. 

WHAT WE GOT FELL BELOW EVEN THAT VERY LOW BAR. 

Jamie explains himself. Fine, he has a right to do that, and it’s constructive in helping Eddie understand the man she’s about to marry (god don’t even remind me). BUT HE DOES NOT ADMIT ANY WRONGDOING. 

THERE IS NO APOLOGY

THERE IS NO ADMISSION THAT HE MADE MISTAKES in how he spoke to her, ordered her around, and didn’t even stop for eight seconds to listen to what she had to say

THERE IS NOT EVEN THE VERY MINIMAL “I overreacted” type of acknowledgment. 

“So maybe if I forget sometimes, you can remind me” THIS IS GROSS TOO because it essentially puts the burden on Eddie to teach/remind Jamie how to HAVE AN ADULT CONVERSATION AND NOT BE AN ASS. He could AT LEAST take responsibility for his own improvement in the Future. 

Eddie said literally two words in this entire scene. There was no mutual understanding, no real agreement, no genuine Development in their relationship. 

THIS IS NOT A SATISFACTORY RESOLUTION TO THIS CONFLICT. 

This episode is called Rectify but NOTHING HAS BEEN RECTIFIED. 

ALSO, this seems like an awfully Personal conversation to be having in uniform, Sarge. Are they even trying anymore? 

HE JUST THREW A SOFTBALL GLOVE AT HER. Is that supposed to be... sweet? Touching? An admission of guilt/mistake/wrongdoing? TRY AGAIN, BB. NONE OF THE ABOVE. 

WELL. If you’ve made it this far, I hope you’re as disgruntled as I am. Seems like plenty of y’all were quite unhappy with this episode as well. I’m enjoying your tweets and sadness. I’ve been the queen of this club for almost a year now. Welcome, make yourselves comfortable, there’s plenty of ice cream in the freezer. Just don’t sit on the far end of the couch. That’s my dog’s favorite spot. 

*These four hilarious lines were taken from two important Outside Sources. Thanks for your contribution, Outside Sources. 

[darkfoxartstudio]

Kylo’s lightsaber Force back and how it intersected Rey’s.

I posted this on my old blog, a long, long time ago. I thought it worth reposting again, especially now that JJ Abrams has taken back the reigns of EPIX. I have updated it accordingly, as I wrote this prior to the release of TLJ. I only write these for fun. Don’t take them as 100%. I just love to speculate.

Enjoy.

So everyone remembers this right? Will it be addressed in EPIX? Maybe. But here is an interesting theory I have about this particular scene within the Force Back Vision Rey has. 

It is my belief based on the evidence I am about to present, this particular part of the Force Back where Kylo kills the man/clan leader, is the exact moment Kylo had a Force back vision of his own. This was before he met Rey, probably shortly after his fall, when he and the KOR were out doing their thing.  If you want to know how I know this, please keep reading.

In May of 2015, MakingStarwars.net posted a leak of the script notes for the Force back vision. Click HERE for the full scene and article (side note– I have no idea who Naka is, but I believe it could be Lor San Tekka, and I’m 99.999% sure Rose codename is Maz, not the Rose we know of now.  Because it was used later for things we know for sure was Maz.)

UPDATE: JJ has, in fact, said that Maz’s code name was Rose. He based the character of Maz after his high school English teacher Rose Gilbert. Here is an article that discusses this. This is why she was codenamed, Rose. It has nothing to do with Rose Tico. 

Interior Day Roses’ Pub – There is a secret underground chamber, and Rose begins her tale to Han, Rey, and Finn. They hold hands.

Flashback: Interior Night at Academy – Dead bodies are on the ground. Luke turns up.

Flashback: Exterior Dusk at the Academy – It is noted it is peaceful now. Artoo-Detoo is saddened as his master departs.

Flashback: Exterior Day at the Savannah – A hand that takes the sword at the start of the film is revealed to be Naka’s hand.

Flashback: Exterior on the Savannah – A peasant’s hovel where the peasant drops the sword, starts a fire, panics and then returns.

Flashback: Exterior Desert – Local trader, is seen leaving. (I believe it then cuts to Finn and Rey’s faces as the story unfolds).

Flashback: Exterior Day Desert – Local trader makes a sale to a wealthy man.

·Flashback: Exterior Night Battlefield – Fierce battle! Sword is being used by the CLAN against THE SEVEN.

·Flashback: Exterior Night: the last man is down, and Kylo Ren approaches Rey!

·Flashback: THE SEVEN are looting, and we see Rose in the foreground taking “the object.”

Maz (although they code-named her Rose in this leak)  is telling Finn and Rey how she got Luke/Anakin’s lightsaber. Which was not filmed or was cut from the film altogether.  Instead, we get Maz talking about the FO and Rey asking about “What fight?”

We learn from this leak that the KOR were looting and looking for something.  Kylo Ren is looking for artifacts and or the lightsaber. 

UPDATE: Based on what we learned in TLJ It is my belief now that the KOR are Lukes students who left with Ben Solo during the destruction of the temple. Ben burning the temple tells me that he and the KOR could have been looking for anything relating to the Jedi, artifacts included, to destroy them. “It’s time to let old things die, the Jedi, the Sith..” You get the idea here. 

To solidify this leak further we have an OFFICAL CANON comic book depiction of the Force back, and it shows us something exciting that we do not see in the movie.

The panel in question is this.

It is the lightsaber –Anakin’s– then Luke’s and now Rey’s.

Notice in the movie after this moment Kylo jerks his head to Rey and walks towards her as if he sees her.

This is when he reaches down and picks up the legacy lightsaber, KYLO’S Force back begins.

In the beginning Rey’s Force back she sees a boy at the end of the hall with Snoke standing above him. This was confirmed by the editor for TFA novelization Maryann Brendan  (it was Snoke)  Watch this video below for proof–she did not say the boy was Ben, but we all know it most likely was. Considering all the evidence in Bloodline and Aftermath that Snoke targeted Ben as a child. Start at 29.20

Her comments are important and the idea that the cutscene or proposed scene was that of a very young boy, (Ben Solo) in the presence of Snoke. It is important because the second Kylo (presumably) touches the lightsaber and walks towards Rey, we see Rey as a child. She is being abandoned/sold to Unkar Plutt. This is the beginning of Bens Force back –seeing her as a child just as Rey’s started off seeing Ben as a child.

We do not know if the rest of the vision played out the exact same as Rey’s, but this may be the reason why he says “What girl!”

Kylo has seen Rey, as a child and perhaps if the visions do mirror each other he also saw her in the snowy woods on Starkiller base, but she too was, masked. I say masked due to the fact Kylo was masked in Rey’s vision–

but he wasn’t when they fought.

Rey is wearing a mask at the beginning of TFA.

 It would be reasonable to assume if what I say is true, that Kylo’s vision would mirror Reys in that he would not know her adult face, nor she his– which is why it would be masked. This is most likely done for dramatic effect for the movie and storyline. Not knowing for sure if it was her. The girl.

Now I know you’re dying to ask– Why didn’t Kylo just take the lightsaber then and there? Well, I have a good answer for that too.

When Rey touches the lightsaber for the first time, she does not hold on to it. So you do not need touch to have the visions. She stumbles around in Maz’s basement until the end of the vision.

It would be very poetic for Rey and Kylo to have both touched the Legacy lightsaber and have had mirroring visions of each other. Maz Kanatas line about a story for a different time will be tied up in EPIX. I believe that JJ’s vision for this will be brought back. Perhaps Kylo/Ben will explain to Rey that he’s seen her before in a vision. Or Maz will tell this story to Rey as she try’s to fix the saber. I think the latter is more likely. The lightsaber plays a huge metaphorical role in the reshaping the legacy of the Jedi and in turn the Skywalkers. It has brought the two Force users together. It showed Ben a girl, and it showed Rey a boy and a monster. 

Rey’s vision sent her fleeing directly into the forest where she would meet the creature in a mask.

When Ben heard that a girl had been spotted with the droid, he had to know if this was the girl and that led him into the forest also. 

Its as if Anakin’s lightsaber is trying desperately to bring them together so that they can fix what is now broken. 

[dysfunctionalmasonshasmoved]

how I run my blogs

TAGGED BY: TAGGING: you

SPEED: I am a snaaaaaaiiiiiilllll. 99.98 % of the time. And I apologize. REPLIES:  Tend to be long, especially when I don’t mean them to be. And sometimes, they’re too short when I want them to be at least 3 paras -.-. I try to be as detailed as I can, though admittedly I like to put more dialogue than description, I’ve always been that way. I’ve said a lot in the past that quality is more important to me than quantity - now, hear me out, I’ve realized that quantity is just as important. I’m still a multi thread lover by all means, but I’m learning to balance them both out. STARTERS:  Starter calls go out on occasion. Guaranteed 99.999 percent of the time I will come to you and ask if it’s okay for me to write you a starter - EVEN WHEN I’ve been told multiple times that yes it’s okay. I always just want to make sure, just in case maybe one day you’re not feeling it, or maybe you have too much on your mind right now and I don’t want to stress you out/upset you over you, or something along those lines. This happens quite a bit even with people I’ve been following/writing with for a long time. Call me paranoid or insecure or whatever the word is, and the answer is yes to all of the above. INBOX: I....am an ask hoarder. And I apologize. I do try to answer whatever I get, but a lot of times things do go unanswered for a long time before they’re published. I’m sorry. SELECTIVITY: I am selective and mutually exclusive. A part of me has really felt bad about this change, as I used to be an open rper, but as time passed and some things happened - mostly personally for me - I’ve found myself more comfortable with this status.  WISHLIST:  I have a tag for plots (it’s the same for all three blogs bc i am uncreative) where I will post or reblog some things, just some ideas that people can looked through if they want. I’m quite content on the interactions that I have going on and what has been planned through ims and stuff, though. HONEST NOTE: I am a shy, awkward, insecure af bean that is trying to work on changing that behavior to be a better writer and rp partner - it’s a slow progress (almost as long as my replying speed oops) but there have been times where I’ve gotten the courage to message people about potential threads and stuff. I’m probably never going to lose that fear of talking to others, though, especially new people. Also I’m shit at keeping in regular contact but please don’t ever think I’m ignoring you intentionally as that is not the case. I’m just trying to do my best at keeping this a fun hobby and not stressing myself out over things as I have done in the past. All I want is to have fun creating beautiful stories with all of you lovelies and your wonderful muses. Also I know I apologize a lot and sadly that’s something that is most likely not going to go away, though I’m working on doing it less bc I’m sure it’s annoying to constantly see this mun write “I’m sorry” for everything over and over, oops. Last thing I just want to say is that I love you all and hope that you are doing well, and wish you all the happiness and love and good things that you deserve. Big hugs and smooches <3

[ladililn]

What Rogue One taught me about the Jedi, despite no Jedi actually appearing in it

So I initially started writing this for @rogueoneanniversary last year, and then Real Life happened and I disappeared from Tumblr and then Tumblr disappeared from me and now here we are, a full standard year later, and guess who still has (now very belated) Thoughts she wants to share? This girl! Because guess who still hasn’t gotten over this movie? This me! (Not sure whether @celebraterogueone is the correct place for this now?)

The first time I saw Rogue One, I completely missed the fallen colossus in the sands of Jedha. I just thought it was an overhead shot of some weirdly-shaped mountain. The second time, it took a moment for my brain to register and make sense of the image, and then I wondered how I'd ever missed it.

This one object, one blink-and-you-miss-it set piece, tells us so much about Jedha and the "ancient religion" of the Jedi and themes that run through the entire saga and even, I think, characters who aren't even in Rogue One (there's a reason the fallen Jedi statue looks exactly like Old Ben). It immediately calls to mind Shelley’s Ozymandias:

I met a traveller from an antique land 

Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone 

Stand in the desert…Near them, on the sand, 

Half sunk, a shattered visage lies[…]

[…]Nothing beside remains. Round the decay

Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare

The lone and level sands stretch far away.

To return for a moment to Admiral Motti’s “ancient religion” line in ANH—I’ve seen people point that out as a plot hole, or at least an early inconsistency, given that the Prequels show the Jedi faith alive and well a mere nineteen years earlier, which doesn’t seem very ancient. I find that charge specious for several reasons—first of all, “ancient” doesn’t mean “dead." I think you could easily and accurately refer to Judaism or Christianity as “ancient religions,” and both of those are alive and well now. The religion began a long, long time ago; thus it is “ancient.” I’d also argue that we hardly needed the Prequels to belie the idea that the Jedi Order was beyond human memory. We know in ANH that Obi-Wan used to be a Jedi Knight, and although Alec Guinness looked (and was) older than Obi-Wan’s actual age, there was nothing in that movie or the other two OT movies to indicate human lifespans differ significantly in the GFFA.

Still, I see the disconnect. On the one hand, we have a not-that-ancient man who was once one of the “guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic.” On the other, you have Luke, who’s never even heard of the Jedi, and Han, who doesn’t believe in the Force. Again, some see these as errors, considering Han was already ten when the Republic fell, meaning the Jedi were still getting up to their incredible and well-documented feats when he should’ve been old enough to be aware and remember.

Explanations for this seeming disconnect can be found across the franchise, and they boil down to two main points: the Jedi’s (relative) lack of reach throughout the galaxy, and Order 66. 

Here’s a fun figure: how many Jedi were there in the galaxy before Order 66? 10,000. Ten fucking thousand. That’s a ridiculously tiny number. A laughably tiny number. A Sci-Fi Writers Have No Sense of Scale number. An entire galaxy, all those planets and star systems, billions and billions (trillions? quadrillions?) of sentient beings, and you could name every single Jedi in a few hours. Put them all in the smallest NFL stadium, and they couldn’t even fill half the seats. 

Sometimes I find the Sci-Fi Writers Have No Sense of Scale-ness of the GFFA frustrating (although IMO the “why is this galaxy filled with the same 10 people?!” complaints fans like to toss around ignores the history of the mythic storytelling tradition Star Wars is very much a part of and how the franchise fits into/plays with those genre conventions, but that’s a rant for another day). But in this case, I fucking love how ridiculous a number 10,000 is. I think it’s perfect. Our view of the Jedi’s relative size and stature in the galaxy is warped by the lens through which we see the galaxy; up until Rogue One, we’re pretty much just hanging out with Jedi. Not only that—in the Prequels and TCW, we’re hanging out with the best of the best, the council members and the freaking Chosen One. They’re the elite among the elite. The 1% of the 1%, only more like the .001% of the .0000000000000001%.

There’s an excerpt from the Rogue One novelization that I think illustrates my point perfectly. This comes from a section of the book that’s meant to be “supplemental data [from the] personal files of Mon Mothma,” a document entitled “Short Notes on the History of the Rebel Alliance Navy” (side note: how much do I love in-universe archival material? a whole fucking lot) (all emphasis mine):

What worked in the Clone Wars cannot work again: the partnership of Jedi Knights and Kaminoan clone armies constituted a peerless weapon that no longer exists. 

Consider a brigade of clone troopers served by a Jedi commander: Such a unit might penetrate a world’s orbital defenses and seize control of the entire planet while taking (and inflicting!) minimal casualties… [W]hat blockade could be thorough enough to keep out a handful of determined star fighters and a single clone drop ship? 

...With the Clone Wars’ end, the destruction of the Jedi Order, and the decommissioning of the Kaminoan cloning facilities, the self-proclaimed Emperor and his military advisers determined that the future of warfare was in large-scale naval weaponry—in a fleet of battleships and battle stations that could atomize any enemy, whether on a planet’s surface or among the stars. They rebuilt a military not for precision strikes but for hammerblows… No potential rebellion could dare eschew infantry altogether, but—lacking the elite support of the Jedi or clones—the cost in lives would be abominable…

From an in-universe perspective, the Jedi are OP as shit. Guys, these are a tiny handful of beings with the ability to move shit with their minds! They can run and leap insane distances at inhuman (yeah, I know that’s an impossible term in the context of a galaxy filled with humans and aliens, but you know what I mean) speeds, they can move in ways other people could never imagine, they have the sort of reflexes that allow Anakin to participate in a sport other members of his species, the most populous in the galaxy by far, physically cannot. They can manipulate the environment around them telekinetically. They can manipulate people telepathically. Their weapons can cut through anything. It’s been said before, but it bears repeating: they are literal space wizards. I know this is all obvious, but think about it from the perspective of your average galactic citizen: here is a microscopically tiny group of people who can literally do magic.

Why are there so few of them? Well, the Force moves in mysterious ways. But also, there don’t really need to be more. Talk about casting an outsized shadow: 10,000 people holding the entire galaxy together. Like Mon Mothma says, one Jedi (and their handful of trusty clone troopers) = an entire fucking battle station in terms of military power. And with the Sith so long in hiding (side note: the Rule of Two makes the Order look positively overpopulated), the Jedi have had no real opponent of their own stature and ability level to contend with for a long, long time. (We see, especially in TCW, how difficult it is for a non-Force user to be made into a credible threat for the Jedi in any circumstances. Those plotlines almost always require characters to be nerfed, either by having to hide their powers (because undercover), being restrained by the Code and not wanting to harm civilians (a Jedi’s primary weapon—though obviously not their only weapon—is hard to make nonlethal, or at least non-maiming), or conveniently forgetting most of their powers.)

Now, it could be argued that there do “need” to be more, because are they actually doing such a great job guarding peace and justice? Are they successfully holding the galaxy together? Even before the Clone Wars, we see in TPM that their power doesn’t extend all the way into the far reaches of the galaxy. Of course, you could also argue that the lawlessness of the Outer Rim has less to do with the Jedi’s inability, in terms of sheer forcible (sorry) power, to do anything about it, and more to do with the politics of the Republic, and you could be right. But that’s part of the point. The Jedi are enforcers of peace, not rulers. They’re not supposed to be making decisions on galactic policy. (That “supposed to” is key, but again: a story for another day.)

So my point is: sure, on Coruscant in the year 20 BBY, you’re not going to have anyone blinking and saying “Jedi who?” It’s a Core World—the Core World—and most of the characters we’re familiar with in the Prequel Era are by necessity among the upper echelons of galactic society, or at least moving in circles that bring them into contact with the upper echelons. High-ranking politicians, rulers of various worlds, heads of planetary militia—people who have reason to be interacting with the Jedi. (Even the criminals they interact with are top-level, crime bosses and legendary bounty hunters. You’re not going to call a Jedi to arrest a petty thief.)

99.999% of the galaxy’s citizens have never seen a Jedi in person. (We’re going to leave beside the issue of the media in the GFFA, because that’s a whole ‘nother kettle of, uh, mynocks?) The farther you get from Coruscant, the farther removed you are from galactic high society, the less you probably know about the Jedi. Han, growing up on the streets of Corellia, has no reason to be an expert on Jedi. I’m sure he’s heard rumors, but he is perfectly justified in being a skeptic, particularly once the Jedi disappear seemingly easily.

Which brings us to the Jedi Purge. Here’s the thing: Order 66 wasn’t just about literally killing all the Jedi and burning their Temple down. It was a planned cultural genocide as well. A revision of history. We all know the line from 1984: “Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past.” Palpatine destroyed the memory of the Jedi as surely as he destroyed the Jedi themselves. We’ve met, in various canon sources, history professors who lost their jobs because any mention, scholarly or otherwise, of the Jedi Order had become verboten. We’ve seen kids studying for their galactic history class in which one of the questions concerns Mace Windu, leader of a “criminal gang that interfered with a legal execution on Geonosis and sparked the Clone Wars.” Talk about revisionist: that goes against everything Palpatine himself said and did during the Clone Wars, a not-insignificant timespan of at least three years of his own personal history he has to revise, but in his role as Emperor, he can pull that off. This is what totalitarian governments do. We already see it begin in RotS, when Palps tells the Senate all about the Jedi Order’s attempt at a coup. And it’s effective! Five years on, Tarkin himself says the Jedi already feel like a distant memory.

And of course it’s fairly ludicrous (though not, I suppose, impossible) to assume that the statue on Jedha fell and was partially buried in sand within the last 19 years. But that’s one of the things I love most about Star Wars, something it’s particularly famous for: its Used Future aesthetic, the continued reminders that this is a galaxy with a history, one as complex and mysterious and tangled in its own legends as our own. That fallen colossus is one of many clues throughout canon that the Old Republic, the Jedi Order, belief in the Force—all were in decline long before the events of the Prequel Era.

Similarly, it’s clear that Jedha itself, once among the most holy sites in the galaxy, was also only a shadow of its former glory long before it got wiped off the map entirely. From Wookieepedia (again, emphasis mine):

As more of the galaxy was mapped, more direct hyperspace routes were discovered. These new passages made the old, winding routes, such as those connecting with Jedha, obsolete. The once-popular Jedha became an antiquated curiosity rather than a relevant destination, a location for those who desired spiritual guidance, a deeper purpose, or to simply exile themselves from the larger galaxy.

It’s typical Imperial excess to take the idea of Jedha’s long-buried secrets lost to the sands of time and literalize it by blowing the damn thing up. Horace Smith’s Ozymandias is less famous, but as (if not more) relevant to our discussion (“The City’s gone,” anyone?), and I leave you with its last stanza:

We wonder,—and some Hunter may express

Wonder like ours, when thro' the wilderness

Where London stood, holding the Wolf in chace,

He meets some fragment huge, and stops to guess

What powerful but unrecorded race

Once dwelt in that annihilated place.

[davids69811]

Are Actually E-Sports Really Sports?

Really very competitive personal computer video gaming has been around a long time on the Personal Computer along with specialist Starcraft leagues or perhaps activities for activities like Quake and also Counter-Strike. The Xbox 360 has in fact developed competitive gaming substantially a lot more popular in the last couple of years in addition to the pro-gaming console game Major League Gaming, and even MLG for simple, along with has started to become categorized as a sport by many gamers. Also sporting activities relevant information coverage, like ESPN, have actually gotten right in to this all new style gotten in touch with E-Sports (electronic sports) along with currently handles MLG computer game on their world wide web site and also at times explains it on Sportscenter. However is this concentration validated? Are actually E-Sports undoubtedly sporting activities? The response is no as well as additionally noted here are explanations that this is actually therefore.  Valorant

Deficiency of large innate skill-set gap I assumed I would surely start in addition to this explanation that any sort of kind of players that assume this is the only description for this quick write-up may be settled straight off. I am actually certainly not revealing that I may exceed a Halo 3 player like Tsquared. He is actually much better than me. An absence of organic ability gap indicates that, with devotion, basically any kind of form of gamer can conveniently find yourself being actually a pro at the activity they want to contend in. This is really undoubtedly not fix for every person as effectively as under is actually a case. When I made usage of to play SOCOM II, a friend of mine had more than 2,000 humans resources logged onto the game online. I had a lot less than fifty hrs, but I was actually considerably as well as additionally away a much better gamer than him. I suppose that even with merely exactly how considerably he played, I will have continually been in fact much better. Nevertheless, on the numerous other palm, there are numerous gamers including on my own that are just generally proficient at video activities. I possess a 2.5 K/D percentage on Halo 3, yet I rarely engage in the computer game and execute absolutely not take it quite seriously. I don't also like it. I possess a feeling, having said that, that if I joined 8 hrs a day and even much more with the intent to take it incredibly definitely, I could probably full at the MLG volume. I possess a really feeling a mass of the gamers on Halo 3 that are dedicated to it, could possibly complete at the MLG quantity Esports Events.

This is actually certainly not thus along with sports like hockey, baseball, baseball, also golf or maybe tennis. I made use of to play hockey as a child but regardless of only exactly how a lot I took part in, there is a 99.999% probabilities I will certainly never ever make it right into the NHL. I believe the precise same may be discussed for lots of 1000, possibly likewise many specialist athletes in major sporting tasks. But definitely not pc gaming. You possess an incredibly good option of possessing the capability to compete in the market of pc gaming only through instruction as well as likewise maintaining committed to it.

Possibly I can easily never ever before defeat TSquared however looking at that games conducts not involve physicality, the difference between our team will be only devotion. He is actually a great deal a great deal extra committed than I am actually, along with has actually been for a lengthy option. The expert gaming participates in online video audio video games as his life. I chose a various development pathway. Similar to I definitely would not be in fact as outstanding a forensic private detective as a person that has twenty years knowledge, I certainly will not be actually as excellent a player as TSquared if I completed against him at the second.

There is no browsing include Most of main featuring tasks activities like the NBA, NHL, NFL, as well as likewise MLB, there are slight groups or university level play. This is really merely exactly how gamers create it around the majors, they take part in through university and also after that receive helped make to a group or even play in the smalls, verify on their own, and also are actually spoken to. In E-Sports, there's no smalls. You don't must verify by yourself to battle, you just pay to get in into an occasion. I can not inform you the ton of chances I have checked out a sporting activities video game on TELEVISION to listen closely to a commentator claim the main thing along complimentary throw pipes of 'You're in the Majors, you should possess the capability to create that play' or even a single thing identical. There is actually no state being actually an MLG player, it is actually insignificant. Any individual can effortlessly end up being one at anytime. Today, you could acquire exceptionally trumped if you're no good, yet it's since you're contending at a degree you ought to not be. There is really an explanation when big rank players in MLB are in fact surrendered to the smalls on a rehab project or even the main thing that they control or that a player that could control at triple An or perhaps the AHL for hockey might attract the NHL and even MLB, it is actually a completely different degree of play Esports Events.

E-Sports perform not have amounts of play comparable to this (certain there's the CAL as well as additionally CPL yet it doesn't operate similarly). Either you are really completing and even you're certainly not. I feel to become appeared at a sporting activity, MLG requires to fix this by including a minors where players are actually cultivated arising from to accomplishing in the majors. This will be the only means to participate in the majors is to end up being invited, certainly not merely join as well as likewise paying a price.

An absence of unity or organization There are really a good deal of video gaming organizations offered. There is in fact the MLG, CAL, CPL, GGL, Gamebattles (in reality a department of MLG), Starleagues, and also numerous others, some added legitimate or well-liked than others. Sure there are actually various sporting activities video games, having said that I do not presume anybody is in fact moving to mention that in America there is in fact a volley ball association extra genuine and even popular than the NFL or perhaps a hockey organization extra legit and also preferred than the NHL. Why does not pc games have one authentic video game? Why is it consequently ragged? If it was in fact a correct showing off task, it should have an unity of company. Rather, video games are in fact just individually possessed and also ran which induces loads of various ones. Are actually players in MLG better than a gamer in CPL? Who knows, they are actually various associations together with a variety of activities. I may along with assurance insurance claim players in the NHL are actually much better than players in a European League.

This takes me to one even more variable, the association of E-Sports is actually nothing at all like a sport. There is actually no usual period, there are in fact just activities as well as likewise ladders. Even the organizations that take action to possess times are actually just managing ladders for a specific time-frame and phone it a season. Ladders don't function like periods considering that you may participate in or even leave responsible for a measure ladder at any sort of option. If you go 0-5 on Gamebattles, remove your team as properly as remake it and also you remove your poor begin. Groups don't have the similar wide array of computer game joined. You may test numerous other workers at your wish so you definitely never ever have to take part in a team that you recognize might beat you unless you communicate to the Playoffs. True sports might not be actually like this. There may not be just a handful of tournament-style celebrations throughout the time period Esports Events.

Making it a lot more sports-like Generally, E-Sports leagues appear to come to be utilizing to produce pc games seem to be a sporting activity without in reality creating it right in to one. Like the add-on of teachers in MLG tasks like Gears of War and Halo. That seems to be like a completely ludicrous enhancement to trained pc gaming as well as additionally one that does not also make it a lot additional like a sport. Why does a gamer require a trainer?

To help create video gaming in to a sport, they need to develop business modifications. Let's lug on to use MLG as an instance. A Halo 3 group in MLG need to have to require to be really financed by a business or individual. A sponsor performs certainly not merely spend for quests to Meadowlands as well as deliver you spectacular personal computer gaming gears. That personal necessities to possess the team as well as they make the roster adjustments. If Ogre 1 in addition to Ogre 2 perform certainly not much like Walshy any longer, additionally bad. They carry out not possess a say, the sponsor carries out. Groups should not be actually merely a team of great friends that got together once along with have actually participated in entirely ever prior to because. They ought to be actually sound underpinnings that are actually mosting likely to exist years from today, in addition to our without it's existing player lineup.

They need to carry out a normal period. Rather of visiting a handful of competitors contests or even accomplishing in some net step ladder, the teams linked with the duration are actually developed at the beginning of the amount of time. Bid farewell to can simply staffs join or maybe leave when the amount of time is underway. Hence, routines are really gotten ready for each workers. If you are really organized to take part in a group, you check out that place and also play all of them. Accurate showing off tasks teams as well as likewise players quest a home. It seems players remainder in the property training for the adhering to occasion. You teach in the program of the off-season in a sporting task, and likewise play throughout the period. Why will undoubtedly practical play be secured online when you possess system issues, prospective unfaithful, and also lag? It performs certainly not create really good feeling. As a result there is actually no cause they must certainly not be really journeying around the country to play their observing arranged rival.

Each team will certainly possess the same bunch of games took part in. After the duration ends, playoffs would certainly be actually seeded and also played in the tournament-style tasks like Meadowlands. That should be actually just exactly how playoffs are really done. Promptly it seems they have no importance whatsoever aside coming from obtaining you cash money and also offering you variables Esports Events.

There must in addition be a looking mix. You may certainly not merely up as well as participate in an MLG competitions someday. You are going to certainly must join a various institution as well as likewise compete there surely till you rate with a staff owner to register with an MLG crew. That will surely offer authenticity to the game and also potentially remove a number of yearn for to-be's as effectively as posers because they may not be heading to prefer to complete as well as additionally tour a great deal.

eSports: What Exactly Is It?

Normally, the a large number of computer game that are affiliated along with these competitions include a multiplier aspect as the whole aspect of eSports is in fact to interact with various other players. There are actually a lot of possibilities now delivered that gamers can conveniently play in a great deal of several tournaments and competitors. The trick is actually to join the video game style that you enjoy a lot of or even are actually properly at.

Almost all video game types are really satisfied in eSports and also our firm located that of the absolute most famous designs were actually 1st individual firing (FPS), sporting activity and MMORPGs. Our professionals anticipate much more to be in fact consisted of to this directory in the future.

Presently, eSports are actually generally consumed and also cherished via guys along with 85% of males composing involvement of celebrations. Sector leaders are actually proactively producing an initiative to market girls involvement as well as our provider assume our crew are visiting some advancement on this as our crew breakthrough into 2017. Additionally, the eSports market created ₤ 258 million in 2015 and our business foresee this to be really around ₤ 391 for 2016 which is actually rather outrageous!

Where Can I View eSports? All of it sounds somewhat inducing, performs not it? The sector is forecasted to proceed its very own remarkable development in 2017 as well as also participation mosts likely to a long lasting higher as a result of the media platforms on-call. You can take a look at eSports on numerous different systems as well as world wide web sites. Shiver and YouTube are actually the very the majority of obvious ones with ESPN and Yahoo likewise having their very own specialized eSports locations. Additional website that you may not have really know represent Twitch along with source some terrific web content. These are really Azubu as effectively as MLG hence check each one of them out for some excellent quality eSports flows.

Such is in fact the progression of eSports that standard sporting activities net web sites (our pros utilize ESPN over as a case) are really beginning to fit their details to eSports supporters. This is actually instead amazing along with actually stresses to our company just how genuinely featuring activities disk jockeys are actually taking the eSports organisation.

The Success of LoL

So where conducted LoL develop coming from?! Its reached the eSports world like a tidal wave on Indonesia. I directly have actually played it on as effectively as off provided that beta and also have actually enjoyed it bloom in to this attractive entirely expanded acceptable moba. It has actually been actually no basic street for Riot. There has been actually as a result many threats came to that Riot have in fact seemed to undoubtedly not simply jump over, nonetheless capitalise on and broaden. How performed they execute it? Whats caused LoL's growth?

The extremely early challenge for Riot was actually verse HoN. This competitors I assume has actually emphasised just exactly just how helpful the absolutely free to play recommendation might be. Yet totally complimentary to play is not a brand-new idea and also its own vital to remember just how effectively Riot well balanced it in addition to paid out relevant information. The workable material and likewise paid out web content is in fact therefore carefully tuned that it dangles sufficient over laid-back gamers to keep every one of all of them going as effectively as yearning for even more while committed players normally pay through the noes to acquire whatever they suppose they need to play their ultimate.

The various other portion of the HoN competitors is actually that Riot industried their activity mostly to become as approving of all kinds of gamers as doable, exclusively the lay noob. You can find the tip in charge of HoN was to have an extreme very competitive emphasis, maybe in the ilk of how sc2 was in fact introduced. It in addition consequently attracted a variety of dota players.

Meanwhile Riot was actually noob welcoming, location based as well as additionally had their 'summoners code.' The the real world effects of the, imo, is actually rather unsubstantial. Folks still imitate penis as properly as the areas perspectives etc are somewhat exact same. Having said that individuals obtain it, they strongly believe that their activity has a several standpoint despite whether they execute what they show. Its personal comparable to hipster politics that state "spare the planet man" while suggesting republican.

Issue made a choice to OWN their competitors. Perhaps the premier LoL competition is what LoL on its own owns/promotes/runs ingame. Right now this is actually maybe something undoubtedly never observed merely before in intermittent computer game. Several game programmers to time release a task after that allowed the area maintained it. Snowstorm are one of minority inventors in past times that ever before sustain a game after launch.

Luck is actually a vital factor also specified right here, in a range of locations. The quite initial is actually streaming went big around this instant. sc2 went to and likewise obtained attributes breaking on justin.tv > dork and also own3d. LoL quickly took this up and also Riot maintained it. Scenarios were actually most ideal for Riot to capitalise on reaching their designated viewers in a whole new approach.

Yet another aspect is actually specifically just how fracking aweasomley Riot obtained setting up activity caster capability. Was this an internal decision? Because it has really spent handsomely for each one of them. LoL by itself is actually a technical/descriptive/ in reverse and onward steering wheels wet desire. To simply put, its very own an artists gold goose. Its own like the cricket of eSports.

The 2nd aspect of great fortune has really been actually South Korea and also the change stemming from sc1 to sc2. It couldn't have actually been actually timed better for Riot and I will definitely be astounded to comprehend even more relating to simply how a lot Riot made an effort to make sure LoL in Asia. sc2 surfaced as well as the entire of South Korea were actually adhered within this starcraft hangover rut, it seemed like a sizable economic temperature folding large. sc2 simply will not remove and likewise Koreans went looking for a brand-new video game. That brand-new computer game was in fact LoL.

Therefore on this site our team are in fact, LoL and also riot are really at the leading upper hand of affordable activities, on the precipice of an all new opportunity. They smashed HoN, have really damaged away from the effective activity location and likewise are in fact today in to the eSports enhancing region. Just one trouble rises just before all of all of them as well as its personal dota2.

I am actually attracted as well as additionally thrilled to note precisely just how they handle this issue. The video clip activity motor is actually the next field of battle I assume. Currently LoL possesses a great tranquility in between being actually extremely usable on all computer systems, yet calling for satisfactory to make folks acquire better elements to handle it. So it tempts the proper quantity of promoters to activities.

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aesthetic themed ask list

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?

probably halo? still riding off the performance high tbh

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

can’t think of anything that i would want to know immediately that i couldn’t just wait for confirmation in prayer about...

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

so far? taking the steps necessary to actually pursue my dreams

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

kbbq with friends

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

probably tell my parents how i feel about them, same to my friends

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

not really. i have things i’d like to do, tho

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

as in a human being? um, she has obscenely small hands. her face is like shiny and red perpetually. she is tiny. she gets really excited over the smallest things, i.e. her cats or the sight of a corgi. lowkey highkey hates her hair unless it’s short. bane of my existence.

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

bruh i wish. literally still trying to console younger me with each day.

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

lowkey cried in front of my therapist as i told him i don’t cry in front of people. idk if he noticed or not (IT’S CUZ HE KEPT STARING AT ME WITH THOSE BIG SAD EMPATHETIC BLUE EYES. I DON’T NEED EMPATHY!!!) but the tears were threatening and i was threatening the tears.

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.

bruh, had to describe a human for the last one but this time i won’t. my best friend nam shin iii. because i love him and he’s great. wish he were real so i could teach him english and he could teach me korean and i could help him romance his girlfriend. 

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

i did when i was first meeting my therapist lol. i don’t trust people enough to do stuff like that.

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

probably ye olde tiny handed one. she’s the only one who would try to stay up that late with me. doesn’t mean i don’t have to deal with her sleep delirium.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

it’d either be to myself or my mom. something along the lines of letting them know their worth.

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?

they aight. blue eyes are really scary 90% of the time. brown eyes make more sense to me.

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

“different doesn’t mean wrong” said by one of my late faves, who i honestly felt was a kindred spirit 99.999% best friend match to me. not gonna get into why the quote is so deep to me, all i’ll say is it allowed me to breathe.

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

indigko

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

pay off debts, travel, save, give to charities/church, save some more, maybe make a trust fund? 

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

with God, yeah. by myself? depends. i can be kind of hypocritical and times.

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

guess i know what to tag this ask meme now

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

punk for sure.

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

super cool. was thinking of getting either a septum or normal nose ring. wish tattoos made a bit more sense on dark skin, but either way they’re super painful so maybe i lucked out.

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

i don’t. don’t wanna ruin my skin and i like the natural look over a beat face. i like people looking realistic if that makes sense?

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

so many people to talk about, but my ex-fave prince helped me realize i was ace.

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.

i wouldn’t. at least not rn, don’t have anything revolutionary to tell em. maybe something like “Please remember we’re dealing with human beings” or along those lines, because I’m tired of reading about racists and human rights violations who real life be forgetting that aside from differences in race/gender/sexuality/etc/etc we are all human and worthy of love.

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

stromae @ msg - super fun! wish the people behind me didn’t try to waste my time and sit at a dance music concert.

nai palm @ brooklyn (i forget the venue) - also super great. it was great to actually see her irl, and allowed me to realize i can actually socialize without too much problem.

garth brooks @ mercedes benz - yikes ppl in the south RLY like their country music huh?

kimbra @ brooklyn (also forget the venue) - LIVE MUSIC CAN BE SO EXPERIMENTAL AND FUN. kind of reminded me of what i’d heard seeing prince irl was like.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

NYU - You have no outstanding balances. We have a $1 mil scholarship that will be applied to your account as of today. We love you. In fact, we’re gonna wipe away all your student loan debt and ensure no one in your family has to worry about paying for anything ever again in their lives.

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

my desk always gets cluttered with papers and stuff. but i really do prefer working at a desk rather than a bed. 

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?

stall as long as possible until i REALLY need to go to sleep. grumble as i lazily brush my teeth and rinse my retainer. lie in bed and watch youtube for anywhere between 30 min to 3 hrs before actually turning off.

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

call me crazy, but i want my parents to know about me and *gasp* like what they realize. like lemme tell em i’m ace and have them not freak out, idk. 

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

blue or purple. but probably a wig or something impermanent. 

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

THE FAB FIVE. WHY AM I SO DUMB. we’d go makeover their next person on queer eye OR even better we’d just hang out

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.

1. the aforementioned letter from nyu because i deserve it, ok?

2. a life i don’t feel like i have to run away from because i hate living like this but feel powerless to change it.

3. a cool best friend i could go cool places with, because i wanna go cool places

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

i cosplay’d as Taemin during the Ace era. It was cool because it basically was my style, so I felt super confident all day looking my best.

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

I do neither. But the craziest thing I did half-asleep was convince myself I could still talk to the aforementioned tiny handed weirdo and answer her questions though my head was firmly planted on my pillow and i was neatly tucked under my sheets. like i really thought homegirl could read my thoughts and find the answers she needed to her questions. 

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

like donald trump

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

maybe one person - i’d see myself the way God sees me so I wouldn’t be so powerless against my insecurities and the fake people in the world all the time.

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realize you’re in love.

idk? i’m ace and aro and very aesthetically drawn, so i really don’t know if i ever have. 

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

i prefer myself with longer hair tbh.

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

hot chocolate if i wanna blend in. otherwise a strawberry acai refresher. i trust any of my friends because it’s really not that deep.

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

gaining self-confidence so i can step more firmly into my calling.

fin.