#9:00 am brain rot

[judesmoonbeauty]

Ok, one of the things I’ve really been dying to know about more is Jude and Ellis’ relationship…..and Jude’s past after he established Raven.

We got their Past Records way back in February, and I’ve still got questions.

For example, we all know Jude is a carer and that’s probably a part of the reason why he took a much younger Ellis under his wing…..of course, for labor too. But, Ellis said that Jude took him back to his home. Remember, this is prior to them joining Crown.

What was Jude’s home like? Where was it located? Did he have servants or do everything himself? Did he have a separate living quarters at Raven.

Did Jude ever find out what Ellis did in his past (I’m sure he did since he makes it his business to research things about people), but if so, what was his reaction? I mean, besides him thinking Ellis is crazy.

Also, what about training Ellis about not going too far? When and how did that happen? Before or after entry to Crown? I think before since they’d already earned a reputation enough to be scouted by Victor.

And their promise. Jude keeps them, but did he make his promise to Ellis because he’s confident that he’ll never be happy again??? What about after he and Kate are together? Will Jude have to lie to Ellis about not being happy so he doesn’t die by his assistant? Is there a certain condition or stipulation built into their agreement?

Anyway, lots of questions and I hope they’re all answered. We’ve been waiting.

[tokischaaaaa]

Fuck Horror Games :P

!hamzah x !easily scared reader

summary: hamzah convinces reader to play a scary game it takes a lot of convincing since the reader is scared easily. And afterwards, the reader has trouble sleeping and he comforts her <3

warning! : fluff!, mention of vomit, u get high

word count!: 1.4k!!!

 

  blame it on the boogie - the jacksons

⇄              ◁◁  I I  ▷▷          ↻

00:25 ━━●━━━━━━━━ 03:34

9:32 am, you checked your phone which read july 1st. july 1st was canada day all across the country, which meant you had off work today! you wanted to take advantage of today by texting your boyfriend, hamzah. as you headed towards your bathroom to brush your teeth and do your morning chores, you noticed he had already sent a text explaining that he’d be stopping by your apartment in 15 minutes to enjoy the day off.

you sent a heart and thumbs up to his message and continued with your routine. before you knew it, hamzah was over and brought snacks. you couldn't help but giggle when you saw some of the bags of candies in his hands start to fall to the ground as you opened the door to greet him.

“shit,” he muttered, looking down at the family-size pack of haribo gummy bears. you went on your tiptoes to give him a kiss on the nose to greet him. his cheeks turned a bright pink. you smiled, grabbed the fallen candies, and signaled for him to enter.

for the next few hours, you spent time with hamzah watching whatever looked appealing. eventually, you got bored of being brain-rotted by your television.

“hamzah, can we do something fun? this is kinda boring,” you sighed.

“yeah, I hear you,” hamzah nodded and whipped out his computer from his backpack.

“okay, I have a few ideas, but it might take a while to load,” hamzah said.

you looked at the clock, 4:52 pm, and took the initiative to start cooking dinner while hamzah found something on his computer to cure you of boredom. you decided to make an easy dinner, pasta with vegetables. as you were preparing the vegetables, you felt a familiar person pressed against your back. you turned around and saw hamzah smiling.

“hi, stranger,” you said, giving him a quick peck and continuing to cut the vegetables.

“so, about what we’re playing tonight,” hamzah started.

“what about it?” you asked, not lifting your eyes from your current task but adding a tone of suspicion to hamzah’s odd behavior.

“there’s this new game out and i know how you feel about horror games, but—”

“hell no! you’re crazy! you. are. crazy!” you said, now completely stopping what you were doing to tell hamzah hell no.

“jeez! y/n, all I wanted to do was find something for us to do. i’m just trying to make you happy. why can’t you just acknowledge what i’m trying to do?” hamzah groaned and stomped away to the balcony.

you took a deep sigh to recollect your thoughts. maybe i’m being too dismissive with him, you thought to yourself. the issue is, you're not just scared of horror games; you're petrified. you would rather get attacked by wolves than play a horror game. you took a deep breath, quickly finished cutting the vegetables, and got the pasta ready. you ran outside to see hamzah looking towards the city. thankfully, your apartment gave you a clear view of the city without any tall buildings in the way.

“hey,”

hamzah stayed silent and didn’t budge.

“listen, i’m sorry that I was being so dismissive to you. I will admit that I do lack acknowledgment of all you do for me sometimes, and I need to work on that. for us to get better, I need to take the initiative to listen to you and suck it up. i’ll play the horror game if you’re still down,” you said, looking down at your socks. though it was difficult to admit your faults, you knew that this would only help you and hamzah’s relationship flourish.

“thank you, I needed to hear that. and listen, i understand work is a lot and can be stressful and blind you from certain things, but i’m glad you’re seeing that and letting me in, and letting us do something I recommend.” as hamzah finished his sentence, he placed a kiss on your forehead and led you both inside before stopping. “i have an idea.”

hamzah’s new idea was for you to take a few hits from a cart to make you feel more chill and less stressed when you eventually played the horror game. you were all ears and didn’t oppose, so as you took a few hits inside your apartment, you went back to the kitchen to serve the food. you didn’t feel anything until about 45 minutes later. you were now lying on hamzah’s chest. as he looked down to check on you, you had the high smile. he took that as a green light to start up the game.

he started the game and placed the computer in the middle of you both, making sure you could see everything. you couldn’t help but laugh at everything: a tree branch falling, the flicker of light, hamzah’s heartbeat starting to increase. you didn’t take anything seriously until you were taken out of your high state by a bloody nun jumping onto the screen. you screamed and accidentally kicked hamzah. just as your reflexes were on, so was your digestive system. your neck dropped down, and you hurled all of your dinner.

“ah shit, i’m so sorry, y/n!” you heard hamzah say. he sounded like he was farther away. as you tried to raise your head to look for him, everything went black.

while passed out, you had a nightmare, but it was even worse since you were now high.

guys pretend i added a jumpscare gif, i found some but i don’t want y’all getting nightmares

you shook yourself awake, feeling the urge to hurl again. you ran to the washroom and began to vomit. you felt a large hand drawing circles on the back of your spine and a familiar pair of lips kissing your head. you slowly looked up and saw hamzah with a worried look on his face.

“i’m so sorry, y/n. i didn’t think that the game and blunt would make you sick,” hamzah said, rubbing his temples.

“bruh, whatever. what time is it?”

“2 am.”

“just great,” you sighed, now realizing there was no way you were going to be able to sleep after getting jumpscared back to back. you flushed the toilet and went to the sink to brush your teeth.

“i’m sorry i pressured you into playing the game. i should’ve listened to you when you said hell no.” you looked at hamzah in the mirror and saw him frowning. you walked towards him and gave him a light hug, unable to give him a normal one since you were still high.

“it’s okay. just stay up with me now because i can’t go back to sleep,” you asked while looking up at him.

“of course, princess,” he said, kissing you deeply.

for the next four hours, hamzah did anything possible to get you to a calm state and free of scary stuff. he started by telling Alexa to play your ‘chill playlist’, which kept you calm until ‘fein’ started playing and freaked you out. hamzah’s next attempt was to make you laugh, which was successful until you had trouble breathing from laughing so much. hamzah’s final and most successful attempt was talking to you, just yapping. normally, you’re always talking or it’s an equal amount of talking between the both of you, but it's rarely just hamzah talking. he had you laying on his stomach, and both of you were looking at the ceiling, which was covered with stars your cousins had put up when they visited a few weeks ago. as you looked up at the stars while listening to hamzah, you said, “thanks for dealing with my stubborn ass.”

that one sentence stopped hamzah from talking. he gently grabbed you by your hips and placed you on top of him. you took his right arm and gently pushed your neck down so he could give you a ‘regalo’, a kiss that felt like the first time you ever kissed. the butterflies came to you even stronger. though you were high, you kept the makeout session going. as you were about to remove your shirt, hamzah stopped you.

“you’re high, y/n. we’ll continue this when you’re sober so you can remember it,” he said with a smile. you nodded dumbfoundedly and bombarded him with a hug. his strong arms wrapped around your waist and became tighter, pulling you closer to him.

“fuck horror games,” you said before diving into a deep slumber.

tokischaaaaa hablas! yay! my second story! pls drop suggestions n requests pls this was so fun :P, buenas noches perras

[sixpennydame]

16 is my favorite number and it just happened to have the perfect prompt for Levi 🤭 may I request that one?

Thank you & love you 💘

Dee, I love you and I will happily write this Drabble just for you. I hope you like it. ����

16. You’re getting crumbs all over my bed

Characters: Levi and pregnant!reader (again)

Word count: 396

Y’all. When I tell you I have brain rot right now for cute, fluffy stories about having a baby with Levi…..apparently this is all I can write now. 😬 (Am I writing a Dad!Levi drabble series?)

——

The first trimester of pregnancy was rough. First, it was feeling nauseous and throwing up every morning. Then, you couldn’t stand the smell of any cooked meat and bananas, of all things. You didn’t want to eat anything because you feared you would just throw it all up later.

Levi was so concerned. He went to all the specialty tea shops and natural health food stores around town and bought you teas to help with morning sickness and nausea. He stopped cooking meat. Hell, he even stopped buying bananas. He hated to see you so miserable.

And then you entered your fourth month and it all just…went away. The nausea, the sensitivities to foods and smells. But now you were hungry.

All the time.

Levi never knew when your pregnancy munchies would hit. Sometimes he’d be driving back from work and he’d get a text from you:

“Babe, I really want some garlic bread sticks from The Olive Garden. Can you get some on the way home? Oh, and some ice cream. Love you!”

Or at 9:00 in the evening, while watching TV together:

“Babe….can you get the cookies in the kitchen?”

He goes to check. “I think you ate them all last night.”

You give him an innocent smile.

He looks at you sitting on the sofa, your hand resting on your small baby bump, which seems to be growing every day. Of course he’s going to go buy you cookies at 9:00 at night. He’d do anything for you.

One evening, Levi had to work late and by the time he got home, you were already in bed, reading a book and waiting up for him. He stood at the door, just staring at you. He’d always thought you were beautiful, but lately….you just had this glow.

He starts taking off his clothes to join you in bed, but as he pulls down the covers, he sees it. Something he cannot abide.

“Darling….you’re getting crumbs all over our bed.”

You look up at him with guilty eyes. “I was just so hungry..” you say with a half eaten cracker in your mouth. He crosses his arms and you finish the cracker quickly.

He sighs. “It’s a good thing I love you so damn much.” Then he smiles. “Now get up for a moment, so I can clean this up.”

——

Send me a Drabble Challenge!

[reikane-enthusiast]

erm, a compiled list of all the notes I have on paper and all the notes in my brain for an upcoming..project.

(( TECHNICALLY THIS ENTIRE POST CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THE DRA DEATHS..BUT. I don’t specify anything ))

gameplay notes..but I can’t code :

from hours 8 AM to 11 PM no anomalies will or can occur. ( unless glitched )

12:00 PM exact is lunchtime and is the only time when other students can appear in the library. Lunchtime can also have a triggered cut scene of either of the two ( image under writing but not here for sillies ) sitting with *.

Once the distraction meter ( during daytime only ) gets to middle point * will have the ability to ‘shoo’ or just get the distraction away. ( this will trigger the dialogue of “ get out, I’m studying. “ )

a distraction is a student outside of the library either trying to form a conversation with * , talking at her, or being ‘loud’. Certain students will not do normal actions, but have special dialogue instead.

if the distraction meter fills all the way up, * will get up and yell at the distraction / student. This will cause a game over.

during 12 AM to 8 AM anomalies will occur.

what are anomalies? :

Short : corpses

Long : Manifestations of *’s PTSD, possibly ghosts?..but that’s unlikely. They’re also kind of like hallucinations however *SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER*

anomalies :

( no data found for #1. )

#2, (( she really only hangs from the ceiling and is..almost non lethal. She cries out for help a lot, for someone to save her, for her brother…I’ll have to tell him sometime, not now though. Maybe it’s her ghostly wails or whatever that kills me..

#3,(( I..don’t remember what happened to her but I don’t really want to, she’s only ever in the hallways..running. I can hear her. Is it the sound? Maybe.. Maybe it’s the ringing in my ears.

#4 (( you were a bitch. However..I..don’t think you deserved that. She sits next to me a lot. I can smell the blood and the metal. She wouldn’t be dangerous if she didn’t kill with her touch, however, unfortunately she does.

#5 (( He’s on the walls, literally. and of course the wood is rotting. His blood always finds its way to me somehow, it works like acid once it hits me.

#6 (( This one is barely threatening, I think he’s just upset. He doesn’t try to hurt me , I know that, but whenever he gets close to me it hurts. It’s like I’m being repeatedly stabbed in the neck.

#7 (( I can hear her screams, constantly. I can hear the electric shocks. She reaches out her hand and then it’s just.. pain. The shocks..she’s sharing them. like the other one..she’s not trying to hurt me actively. none of them are, really.

#8 (( Idiot.. that doesn’t feel right to say though. You were stupid, but in that trial..you were just so— … She doesn’t seem sad unlike the others, she sits next to me too..trying to make me laugh. But when I look at her..when I finally see her face again..it’s over.

#9 (( You were also stupid. I knew what you were hiding, but outing you wouldn’t make me feel better. You were..kind of gross, but trying to fit in wasn’t easy..was it? I’m sorry you went out that way. Sometimes him and * are together, I can’t look at them either..despite how happy it appears they are together. Even if it was just a facade he needed to keep up during that time, I think they’re better off because they’re actual friends now.

#10 (( The blood from her mouth and her eyes gets on me even though shes far away, it seeps into my skin, her words seep into my brain..my own blood..everything. I’m sorry *. Sometimes she stands over me. Watching my every move..then the blood really hurts.

#11 (( I didn’t know you then, I didn’t remember you then, but now I do. You were a good brother from what I heard. I remember how * talked about you, how she was always wondering about your inventions.. I know you pushed her away when you guys were kids too. I can hear you making fun of her somehow, teasing her, bullying her around.. and it burns my ears sometimes. I don’t know how I hear it..but..it’s something to hold on to. He never shows up visually, but I feel his presence. I’ve never..seen you.

#0 (( She’s the closest to me always, she only shows up in the end. She grabs me by the face and forces me to look at her, shes crying..she’s grinning too though. ..But she doesn’t look injured, dead, none of that. I don’t think we ever confirmed she was dead, we just assumed she had drowned or bled out because that made the most sense. But now that I think of it, maybe you aren’t.

#0.1 (( *’s not really an anomaly..since..he can’t hurt me and he’s not dead. He’s more like protection. He keeps the actual anomalies away , I don’t really know how.. I guess **** made it up so that I could finally study.

extras! ,, based on the unused executions. :

#12 (( I remember watching you die. I thought it was kind of funny how you went out, getting arrested and all. Then you blew up.. that was..less funny. He smells like sulfur and ash..sometimes cement, sometimes he smells like burnt plastic. when he touches me it burns my flesh, I guess he wants me to feel the pain too.

#13 (( He’s connected by veins , almost like a fleshy spider. His blood unlike *’s isn’t acidic, but is definitely venomous. I hate looking at him, but it’s the only way to keep him away. I’ve only ever had one question.. Why? , Why’d you do it *? You were an idiot..but I didn’t think you were that afraid..and that fucking stupid. Then again, we we’re kids..so..I can’t entirely blame you for letting your fear take over.

[tearstoshed4ever]

and the good news is i now have a surrgate mother to

"your mother's right, you know? We all will meet again in heaven." Lydia said softly.

(sorry didn't see that last one.)

yes she is

" you do? Who is she?" Henry be asked curiously.

but hopefully u wont get there for a long time lyds

emily bit her lip not knowing how to expin

"Well...you see...she's a spider. Her name is Widow." Emily began. She didn't know anything else to say but the truth

she bared herself for his reacton

"oh. A um...spider. how extraordinary," Henry said, wondering if his daughter had gone mad. But Lydia knew better. "So, you can talk to talk to animals now, Emmy? Because you're um.." "Dead, yes. I can talk to all creatures now. It's one of the perks I guess, hehe." Emily laughed nervously

she knew lyda would understand

and my father is a maggot who lives in my head

she said awardly

"outrageous! Tell him to get out!" Henry gasped, not liking the thought of a maggot living in his daughter. "No, it's okay Papa. I like him there. I know he's always with me." Emily explained

in fact i love him as much as u

theyve both helped me so much

"I'm so glad, Emily. You must thank them for me. Tell them to keep up the good work." Henry smiled

i will she smiled back

she wished he could meet them but knew it would be a bad idea

Jul 16, 2021 6:27 PM

Maggot would ruin whatever confidence her father had in her care. She had to give Henry some sort of relief

yes

widow would be far more resopvite

but a taking spider might break his brain

So, she left meeting her guardians out of it, hoping that talking about them in a good light would ease her father's mind

as well as hoping there feelings wouldnt be hurt again when they found out

Yes, balancing her guardians was always difficult

yes

she still felt guitly about earler

and still found herself missing her mother

Jul 16, 2021 11:51 PM

"Soon," she told herself. "One day soon we'll all be together."

and as she thought this she felt soft lips press down on the crown of her head

"Mother..." Emily smiled, feeling warmth for the first time in a year

Yes darling id never miss your bday

came emilys gentle vocie

Jul 17, 2021 9:00 PM

hi

Jul 18, 2021 11:27 PM

(hi. Sorry I was very busy yesterday) "Oh, mother. I'm so glad you're here." Emily beamed, trying not to cry

Jul 19, 2021 11:56 AM

emily appered and drew her daugt into her arms

just let it out sweetheart

she cronned stroking her hair

"Emily? Emily what's wrong? What's happening? Have you left us?" Henry asked, struck that his daughter no longer spoke with them but he could hear her crying

its momma shes here emily sobbed

E-Emily? My Emily!?" Henry stammered. "Where? Please, my love! show yourself! I've missed you so!"

plz momma go to him hes sufferd so much he cant see me cause im all blue and rotting but u still look normel

emily begged

Jul 19, 2021 9:45 PM

"He'll see us both. In spirit, you are still yourself, Emily. Young and beautiful." Her mother said and Emily felt a warm floating feeling as her spirit lifted from her body and out of the grave. She appeared with her mother, shining specters in front of Henry and Lydia.

she hoped agaist hope that she could still toch and feel in this from

She would soon find out. Before she knew it, Henry rushed towards them. "My...my Emily! My darling girls!" Henry sobbed, embracing them. Luckily his arms didn't go straight through them. They were cold and not exactly solid, but still it was a hug.

emily burst into tears and clug to him like a baby

oh daddy i never thought id see u again

she sobbed

for a moment she was actally gratful that she wasnt in her body cause she was sure all her tears would mak her eye pop out

but on the other hand she felt guitly for hiding behind another mask

shed already been wearing one for a year

while shed been self couse at first she now wanted him to see and embrace the real her

daddy this isnt what i look like anymore

she sniffled

i want u to see the real me

momma put me back in my body

Jul 20, 2021 12:41 AM

hi

hi! Sorry I was working on some of my own writing.

"If that's what you want, my darling." Her mother said. with a thought, the magic was gone, placing Emily's soul back into her body and showing Henry and Lydia what she truly looked like. They both gasped at the sight, but they were not afraid.

this is what that bastred did to me

"Oh Emily..." Seeing it all made Henry sick with anger and sadness. " My poor girl!"

she rn back into his arms again

this time the hug was toally solid

though still cold

She couldn't feel him either, now that her mother's blessing was removed

she began to to cry in frutern and willed herself to feel him

plz i realy need this im never gonna see him again after this till i cross over

she whimpered

Just then, she could almost feel it, the feeling coming in weakly

encournred she forsced

hard

"I...I can feel you. Daddy! I can really hug you now!" Emily beamed, feeling warmth surrounding her.

she hugged him as hard as she and buried her face in his shoulder weeping with joy

"Wonderful, my dear. I'm so glad. How I've longed to comfort you," Henry sobbed, holding his little girl in his arms again.

momma lyds get over here

emily saied holding out her other arm

Lydia and Emily's mother rushed over, joining the group hug

neastled in the warm cirle of her familys arms for the final time

It was the best birthday present he could ever ask for

*she

yes

the end

[kukuandkookie]

My sleep schedule is broken and it’s 9:00 am but I was just wondering why I don’t visit the SVSSS tags on Tumblr more often.

Especially since I’m constantly visiting the tags of my other brain rots. Like I go into the Word of Honor and Qian Qiu tags quite often these days, since those are some of what I’m currently obsessed with. Plus I literally used to scroll through tags like Mo Dao Zu Shi every single day back when I was super fixated on the series. I have fond memories of eating lunch in between uni classes just browsing the Mo Dao Zu Shi Tumblr tag and enjoying all the content. 😆

Despite this blog’s origin as an art blog, I have a tendency to just reblog whatever I like, and that often means fandom stuff. So I was wondering why I don’t reblog a bunch of SV posts at once more often—since I do it for other series I like, and I have done it for SV a few times, but not too often.

At first I thought maybe it’s because I brain rot over SV on Twitter so much (my account basically paints me as an SV “main” at this point 😂) and my lovely amazing SV friends who are all such talented artists and writers provide me with so much good food on Twitter already...

So I went into the SVSSS tag on Tumblr to see for myself and well.

I now realize why I don’t visit that often GKSKFDJDJ.

It’s true SV has seen more love lately (I think? At least I see more fans being active on Twitter and the MXTX Discord server I’m part of), but it’s definitely still the most “underrated/unloved” out of MXTX’s works. Like a lot of the top trending posts in SV are crossover posts with TGCF and MDZS—content which is totally perfect btw!—but also serves as a sign that SV occasionally gets swept over in spotlight.

Plus it’s true people can be hypercritical of the “unhealthier” aspects of Bingqiu, and I still see critiques in the tags. Like that time I just finished SV and I was really excited and I went into the tag and was immediately hit with piles of anti-Bingqiu posts talking about how “nasty/gross” the novel is.

Anyway, this is just some late night (early morning? Oops it’s 9:30 am lol) fandom musings. Don’t mind me~

I’ll finish off with saying I saw some art of LBH and SQQ I’ve already seen and yet still makes me very happy, and just say again that I adore them so much. 🥺

I was literally writing about them on Twitter a couple days ago—about how I love them because they’re both idiots—loveable idiots, but idiots nonetheless. Out of all of MXTX’s couples, they’re arguably the biggest disasters—and also I love how their outer personality contrasts with their inner personalities and how SV turns famous tropes on its head.

Anyway I’m starting to get into a whole different thing from the original intention of this post lol. I should probably get some more sleep. 😅

[bellatrixobsessed1]

Goretober Day 9: At Fourteen Hundred

Prompt: Infirmary Fandom: Once Upon A Time Summary: Regina wakes up in a hospital to find it vacant and teeming with the undead. The cliche might be amusing if she weren’t stumbling around, still not recovered from what had landed her in the infirmary in the first place.

The infirmary is dark, the lights flicker, humming with a burst of electricity that is on its last sparks. The only thing that would make it more typical would be a pounding headache and a sense of confusion. But she knows where she is and what happened and it doesn’t take much to deduce that the world has ended.

She supposes that she could fill her mind with denial. Pretty excuses like, ‘perhaps there was a terrible natural disaster and they had to vacate quickly’ or that, ‘they just forgot to pay the power bills.’

But even a fool could tell that the place was abandoned in a hurry and that much time has passed. Neglecting to pay bills doesn’t account for the thin coat of dust on the bedside table nor the overturned tables and chairs. It doesn’t account for the blood smears. And it certainly doesn’t explain away the body laying on the floor amid broken glass and bullet casings.

Regina drags herself out of bed. Sure, her head doesn’t ache or pound, but it doesn’t feel exactly right either. The sensation isn’t particularly unpleasant nor uncomfortable. It is only a light pressure, a feeling of fullness accompanied by a light tickle. A small itch that doesn’t particularly bother her. She must admit that it is a bit disorienting, not so much that she can’t remember the layout of a hospital she has visited many times. But enough for her to feel sluggish and out of sorts.

Of course this isn’t new. She had been transferred to the hospital for a fever one that had put her into a coma. It wasn’t anything new, she’d known that she was sick for some time and has been in and out of the infirmary for random collapses. The first had been at a town meeting, the second while getting ready for bed, and the third while at Granny’s with Emma and Henry. The duration of her blackouts has been ever increasing, this one has been the longest.

They were in the middle of testing her for narcolepsy, though she didn’t think that the shoe fit. No less, that was the last diagnosis that they were investigating. She ponders other possible causes for herself as she wanders down the hall.

It only occurs to her when she reaches a particularly dark hallway, that there might be something else wrong with her. Something psychological. She has just concluded with herself that the world has ended. And yet she is not concerned. She might be faintly amused by the cliche of stumbling around in the rotting husk of an infirmary were it not for the burning sensation that is flaring up on her hands and feet.

It isn’t that she has lost emotion, more so that her emotions have been muted. Muted to the point that a sudden slam doesn’t jar her. There is a small twitch in her mind, a shot of surprise, but she doesn’t jerk nor jolt nor scream. Neither does her heart begin to beat faster. There was a noise. It had come from her left. That is all there is to it.

Regina simply walks in the other direction, curiosity has just as much weight as surprise. She is looking for a computer, one that still functions or perhaps a drawer where her file is stored. She supposes that she is curious about that at least. What had they managed to diagnose her with before befalling whatever fate the rest of the world had succumbed to.

Behind locked doors are ugly mutilated faces. Decaying, rotting ones. They beat on the wood and smoosh their faces against the windows. She is dully disgusted at the spittle and blood they leave upon said windows. She would hate to have to scrub their grimy fingerprints away.

She steps around overturned medical carts and over severed limbs. Albeit she almost loses balance. It is probably good that they have traded her dress clothing for a hospital gown, on top of impracticality, she would hate to get her pricier attire dirty. She is dimly aware that this is another strange thought to have.

She is also glad that they have switched her heels out for… Oh… She stops for just a moment; her bare feet are bloodied and torn. Her brows furrow slightly. She wonders how she hadn’t noticed; God knows how much glass she has stepped on. She bends to pick shards out of her feet, but her attention is captured.

Another twinge of emotion shoots through her, this wave is a bit more powerful. The creature lumbers towards her. It grunts and groans incoherently. She thinks that she should feel a sense of panic, she doesn’t have any means of defense and her feet are in no shape to run.

She braces herself for teeth tearing into her neck, but the brutish beast stumbles into and over her. It slams to the floor groaning stupidly and gawking at her as though she is the one at fault. Regina opts to forget about her feet for the moment and hustles away from the zombie.

She only thinks to be more cautious when she steps out into a hallway teeming with the creatures. She holds herself rigid and still. She hopes that the zombie falling upon her has left its decayed odor and a few blood smears on her. She knows that it had when the rest of them pay her no mind. So long as she keeps herself calm and unsuspecting she can make it through the hoard.

She makes a mental note to check herself into a mental health clinic if she manages to find a corner of the world left undestroyed. She hadn’t realized that her depression was this mind-dulling and that her sense of self preservation has dropped this low. A tickling sensation erupts on her cheek and she absently scratches it away, this is normal. She has had several rashes prior to her hospital visit. They would flare up and go away.

Anyways, she ultimately decides as she reaches the computer, that it makes sense for her to feel so low. Henry, Emma, Snow, they’re all dead. There won’t really be any substance to her life with all of them probably shambling about among the undead.

Regina turns the computer on and clicks around until she finds her file. She listens to the footfalls of the hoard as she waits for the file to load. She scratches her shoulder and brings her hand back to the mouse. It is slick with blood. Her lip curls, she probably should have wiped the mouse down before handling it.

She scrolls through the file and reads;

Patient: Regina Mills Sex: Female Date of Birth: February 1st...

Regina scrolls past this, she knows all of this.

Mills was admitted to the hospital after spontaneously collapsing for a third time on January 15th 2015. Mills had been running a high fever (Note: body temperature was remarkably high at around 110).

Another soft twinge of concern sparks in her head. She is certain that a fever that high can kill. But she had made it to the hospital.

Mills’ woke up sporadically throughout the next several days. Level of brain functioning and alertness varied. The rashes on her skin began to spread and resist treatment. Mills complained of this before losing consciousness once more.

She doesn’t remember this.

Mills woke up one final time before falling into the coma that she has been in since. Her behavior was erratic and aggressive.  We suspect that this is related to pain and fever delirium. Cause of fever: still unidentified. Theory: this illness is the first of its kind. A mutated strain perhaps.

The hospital seems somehow colder and more oppressive. She is beginning to feel again, she is both thankful for the emotions roused and horrified. She tries to push them back again. As she clicks to the next page.

Patient: Regina Mills Date Of Death: January 19th 2015

On the nineteenth of January, Mills’ fever reached 112 degrees. Mills did not wake from her coma. At approximately 11:45 AM, Mills’ went into cardiac arrest. At approximately 11:57 AM Mills’ brain activity ceased. Time of death is recorded to be precisely 12:00 at noon.

And yet the file continues. Just one more full sentence. Regina stares at the screen until it goes dark. She isn’t dead. She holds her hand up and flexes it just to be sure. It moves. It moves but it bleeds. She gets to her feet, her legs still work. Sure, she is somewhat sluggish, but she isn’t staggering. She isn’t shambling.

She has rational, higher thinking capabilities. She is using them now. She uses them to repeat what she has just read;

At fourteen hundred hours, brain activity from the deceased was detected by a monitor that had been left plugged in by [name redacted]. Conclusion: faulty equipment. Note: Replace ASAP.  

[captainimbatmanus]

Perky Macabre - Intrinsic Rot

1.Opaque Enigma 00:19 2.Melting The Course 00:11 3.Slain 00:13 4.Dripping Skin 00:07 5.Brain Sex 00:05 6.Bubbling Discharge 00:13 7.How Am I Not Myself? 00:13 8.Maddening Love 00:13 9.Mind 00:12

FREE DOWNLOAD

[maevehowserjournal]

WEGSCHAUEN

I don’t give a flying shit about how bad it is. All I want is disaster. All I want is something, anything, to give this miserable series of events I call my life a purpose. Nothing is bad necessarily, but everything is dull. Dull is worse than bad, as the days would cease to bleed together if I could identify them by their pain. Even if I was in constant pain and agony, something is better than nothing. Pain is better than depressive apathy.

Another day in the pit. Another day, still, in this formidable hellhole. Travelling from this one to other formidable hellholes. Scrapping together weapons that will last me for the day. Feeling the ground suddenly shift into materials which, prior to this, I hadn’t thought to be physically possible. Wandering these halls of nameless cities that exist in worlds too hostile for mortal men. Yet somehow, I keep living through what I believe to be days, but what may be minutes to what resides here. I don’t miss it anymore, as I’ve found it here.

Cochdich’s Sub Sandwiches. What a fortunate name for a fortunate CEO of a Subway rip-off. The name was at least fitting. Very, very unfortunately fitting. 50 hours a week of degrading patrons who had so little palpable value for the man they spoke to, acting as if I wasn’t suffering by working there as much as they were just by being customers there. The days lasted weeks, as I would bide my time preparing both a physical and verbal arsenal to face the bestiary with. These days, my arsenal is solely physical, and far more challenging to construct than those identical, rounded gray tins of food products. Tuna, turkey, lettuce, tomatoes, silver vessels in rows, all the same. Trypophobia at its finest, here at Cochdich’s Sub Sandwiches.

The night of June 5th, 2003 was the night I was saved from my carbon copy, carbohydrate prison, but spared the rewards of such a Sisyphean duty. A night which sticks out in my mind as likely the biggest mixed bag I’ve ever had to pick from. Let me set the stage for you. It was 9:30 PM. I sat there, at that counter, scribbling endlessly in the composition notebook which I have simply labelled “SHIT” on the cover with a black sharpie. I wrote about my life and my growing sense of lachesism. All I wanted was for disaster to strike me one day so I may lead a more fulfilling life. In my own words, “I don’t give a flying shit about how bad it is. All I want is disaster. All I want is something, anything, to give this miserable series of events I call my life a purpose. Nothing is bad necessarily, but everything is dull. Dull is worse than bad, as the days would cease to bleed together if I could identify them by their pain. Even if I was in constant pain and agony, something is better than nothing. Pain is better than depressive apathy.” That’s simply an excerpt from what I wrote in my state of limbo. Eventually, somehow, I made it to 10:00 PM. Finally, a time when nobody in their right mind would be coming to Cochdich’s. No customers meant all the sweeping, mopping, and restocking humanly possible. Everything was done on time, and I could go home, free as a bird until 10:00 AM the next day.

That was until the hole opened itself up. You heard me right. As I left the breadwastes, I could hear the massive, obtuse sound of a thousand moles digging up soil. A thousand claws ungathering dirt in the ground, creating a large cavity between me and the car. My mind began to race, as I was pretty sure this hole wasn’t here this morning, nor was it here during my break. With fear, I moved closer and closer to this mystery hole, and stared down into it once I stood on its cusp. There appeared to be some sort of crimson, bloody light at the bottom, but it was either very small, or simply miles upon miles away from me. Yet this light was still somehow blinding me. My gaze then turned up to my car, and as my eyes left the hole, I heard once again the sound of the soil being drilled up. I spun my head around to see the hole, now seeming to have moved behind me. This seemed impossible, and instead of checking to see if I was dreaming, my first thought was to get into the car. But before I could make it, the hole once again shifted position, now underneath me. I plummeted into what went from moonlight to sheer darkness to a bright red light. The car fell just after I did. I knew if the fall didn’t kill me, the car would. However, that didn’t happen. Instead, after what felt like minutes and maybe hours, I found myself plummeting not from a hole, but instead a deep, purple sky. Almost a lavender shade of purple, darker beyond the clouds. So high up now, as if I were dropped out of a satellite, except over what clearly was no Earth. This is around when I noticed my car was no longer above me. I still don’t know where it went.

Eventually, after minutes, I plummeted into a deep red ocean. As my head was submerged under the bloody surface of pungent, thick slime, I could hear nothing but screaming, yelling, and groaning. An unholy choir sang to me from the depths of the sea. The sound of a thousand blue whales from the lowest bowels of Hell. The red sea of sorrows. In the dark red void below me, I could feel something massive awaited me. Even worse, I could sense it coming up to reach me. Something which I could never even hope to understand, with many tongues and throats that urged deeply to swallow me whole. This fear of what lived below me was enough to push me towards the shore. I could see just above the surface, I was close to some sort of land mass. Brown sand bedded a massive, elderly, deep red ziggurat. I could smell its age from this far away. It had an odor of times gone by, from the Medieval ages to Ancient Egypt. Like it was built by all the dead in our ancient history. It whispered its ancient lore to me from this distance, and there seemed to be more in store once I made it there. I felt as if I was being pulled directly to this thing, and as if the ocean wind had been pushing me towards it. Once I had reached the shore, the name of this place somehow hammered its way into my skull. It felt violating, almost as if a hammer had lodged into the middle of my brain, ruining my thoughts and separating my eyes from their roots. Crethm’chtha. That’s at least my interpretation on how you would possibly pronounce that horrific name. In my head, I was sure this name was said by an inhuman mouth, which made completely different noises to what I can. Even in its incomprehensible form, it still gripped my brain ever so tightly, with no intention of letting go. Straining my brainstem and forcing it to twist and eventually snap, but the fear came solely from waiting for it to inevitably break. One of the greatest difficulties I have ever faced to this day is trying to swim while this battle of unknowable forces took place within my head, bodies crashing against the sides of my skull. My teeth hurting as the swords of the little men inside missed each other and hit the walls. The itching as the ants from my heart ambushed them, eating their organs and leaving them to rot.

Finally, I was washed out upon the brown, wet shores. I stood, slowly, gazing upon these ruins before me. Creatures groaned and grunted in the distance, speaking gibberish to one another. Reluctantly, I trudged towards the ziggurat, but not before staring out at the massive horizon by the ocean. It’s sheer size is panic inducing. It looks as if this place is completely flat, and instead of seeing the curve of the planetary body on the horizon, it simply had no end. It appeared endless, and not even the fog interfered with the vast, endless stretch of bloody water. This impossible visage almost caused my eyes to turn back into my skull, and I was puppeteered by my own body to look away. This expanse was full of massive creatures, sea serpents leaving the ocean and entering the air. Massive rocks with faces plummeting from the sky to be drowned. In the sky, it appeared that a large mouth, its face impossibly stretched in a grotesque fashion, was slowly moving towards this place to swallow it whole. Hopefully he’ll digest it, I thought to myself, because this place shouldn’t exist, by any stretch of the imagination. On the front of the ziggurat, there appeared to be a rough, round hole that I figured my hand would fit perfectly inside, so I reluctantly pushed it forward. This is when the wall in front of me suddenly split down the middle, and opened up. This is when I first encountered the land creatures from this place, which I’ve nicknamed “Sea Monkeys.” However, that’s simply due to my inability to rationalize the pronunciation that forced its way into my brain, which sounded somewhat similar to Sea Monkey. A four legged creature with a head that appeared to be one large eye. Like one of those all directional security cameras. No iris, just a black orb, that seemed to grow and shrink depending on the light of the surroundings. Its skin… I don’t know what color it was. It’s a color I’ve never seen before. I never thought new colors were possible, but they are. Believe me, they are. They hurt the soul when you try to rationalize them, so I find it preferable to not think about it much. I don’t think about any of this much because here, human thought is dangerously outgunned, and will blow itself up if used. Human knowledge in Crethm’chtha is like a toaster in a bathtub.

The Sea Monkey had no arms, either. But when it spotted me, all it really did was study me. Its eye grew and shrank as it examined me. Fearful of what it might do, I stumbled back, and a piece of the crumbling stone wall fell off, in a perfect dagger shape. Perfectly pointed and jagged. I chose to act on my fear, and began wailing on the Sea Monkey, jamming the rock into its eye. The crepuscular creature did not bleed, and instead, it almost seemed to deflate as a gaseous substance escaped its body. Black and pungent, my eyes stung as it entered them. The Sea Monkey did not scream, but it did attempt to wrangle and impale me with its spider-like, chiton-built crab legs. Knowing I would be here indefinitely, I prepared a surplus of food. I stole every meaty piece of the Sea Monkey. However, this creature had no definable organs. Simple meat filled its shell. The only true organ was its head, which I also stole. I now had nothing left to do with this creature, but one thing. I figured one of its legs would make a better weapon than this piece of shitty rock. So, I used all of my strength to twist it, pull it, do anything to sever it from its host. Eventually, it gave way, and I now had a nifty DIY spear.

This is how I began my constant struggle for survival. Crethm’chtha was not the only strange place I would travel through. Many other bizarre realms of ancient origin awaited me, with new creatures. My routine was constantly changing, and never bored me. I always had to adjust to the next world I would be subjected to, and need to survive in. I never knew just how far, how many galaxies or dimensions I was from home, all I knew was the distance was probably so large I would never be able to fathom it. Over this time, I forgot my name, age, and way of leading life as I used to. I was now freer than ever, but trapped all the same. My resolve eroded overtime, as I no longer even thought about my old life. This was so much better. This was everything I craved. Everything I wanted. Everything my life lacked before. New creatures awaited me every day. The exoskeletons, beings that would latch onto the dead remains of their neighboring abominations and puppeteer them for strength. The dogs, four legged, meaty things that always seemed to be building structures. Altars. Churches. Occult worshipping grounds. The perforators. Spiny beasts which would wait until they got close enough, and then unleash their horrific needles. The first time I encountered one of those fuckers, I almost didn’t wake up.

It was not until recently that I found myself revisiting Crethm’chtha by accident. I wandered the disheveled, crumbled halls of what I had dubbed Distant Times Square. A world seemingly made of hallways that were constantly crumbling and falling apart, set atop a rough and coarse ground of drought-ridden desert. At some point, these halls had lead me into a building in Crethm’chtha, and just outside of this building stood the hole. The same hole from that fateful night. Except this time, the hole was now a deep, deep green. Nothing to lose, I willingly stepped down. I don’t know how long it had been since I had fallen like this. Maybe months, but maybe years. No clue. Finally, after minutes, I felt myself no longer falling. Like I was floating alone in this void. Gradually, water began to wash over my body, in this deep darkness of who knows how wide and vast. I wasn’t drowning, simply existing. This is around when I came to.

I emerged from the depths that surrounded me. My reaction, and realization of my new surroundings, however, was delayed. Earth. Blue skies. Darker blue waters. A school of fish below me. Land in sight. The city I had spent my whole life in. Its name… what was it… Seas… Seafron… Seetle… Seattle. Seattle, Washington. It was all coming back. I hoped my name would too. But I wondered, would I ever be able to return to my way of life? I don’t want to. I swam back below the water, to see if that would take me back. No. I was stuck. Finally home, but in the same sense as an abused child returning home. But if there was anything I had learned from my journeys, it was this: Nothing is gained in the pursuit of something futile. My next step was clear, or rather my way to finding my next step. Nothing stood in the ocean between me and the city.

Eventually, I made it to shore, and began wandering the streets. In a landscape like this, I thought to myself, all these people… leading shit lives and not being worth anything, maybe I could live here like I did in the beyond realms. The idea was growing more and more defined in my brain. It only depended on my own ability, and I had become quite the bloodthirsty motherfucker in those other places. However, my stream of thoughts was interrupted by something I never expected I would see again. An old face. This meant something to me. I knew it. P. P something. Pauline was her name. She looked older and in nicer clothes, but this was undeniably her. I had no clue how much worse I looked now. I hadn’t grown any hair for some odd reason, but I most likely aged. I had to have aged. Pauline was across the street from me, and the only thing I could think to do was, of course, like the madman I am, run across traffic and get spun in the air by a taxi.

“Holy shit, Donovan, I need to call you back. Some guy just got hit by a car!” She rushed to me to give me aid, and once she saw my face, everything seemed to click in her head.

“Jeff??” That was my name. It had been on the tip of my tongue for the longest time. I couldn’t think of what to say. Nothing came to mind. Nothing at all. I didn’t know what I meant to this woman in my past life. However, I suppose it was something romantic, as the blondie’s embrace when she wrapped her arms around me felt very familiar. The kiss also felt like something I once knew.

Not long after, we were both inside a cafe. Sitting across from one another at a table. 2 cups of coffee were carried to the table. I didn’t know if she had bought it for me or not, I wasn’t listening. I still wasn’t listening to her. Her voice was drowned out by my innate inability to understand these surroundings. At a certain point, I left this vapid nonsense behind. Why consume food I didn’t earn? Why eat something I didn’t hunt? She must have been screaming at me by this point to say something to her, but it didn’t matter. I still couldn’t bring myself to hear it. Classic victim of the low pass filter that my social skills have become.

The sun had passed the horizon, and I stood over the water, ready to either return to my old surroundings, or die. But I stopped myself when I went back to my thoughts from earlier. Who’s to say that I can’t lead life now like I did then? The answer was nobody. Absolutely nobody could stop me now. I had faced the beyond, beings that I was never meant to face, and I got out of it. I killed them. They feared me. They feared the monster named Jeff. How funny. I still had my duffel bag from all those years ago, which still had the Sea Monkey leg I had stolen. It also still had the composition notebook labelled “SHIT” in sharpie. That’s what I write these words in now. I can see somebody walking around right now, and they are the perfect start to the continuation of the bloodbath my life has become. That being said, here’s to another day in the pit. Another day, still, in this formidable hellhole. Travelling from this one to other formidable hellholes. Scrapping together weapons that will last me for the day. Wandering these halls of nameless cities that exist in worlds too hostile for mortal men. Yet somehow, I keep living through what I believe to be days, but what may be minutes to what resides here. I don’t miss it anymore, as I’ve found it here.

[fit-nurse]

Having anxiety about the class I signed up for tomorrow morning at the gym. It’s called “pure muscle,” I have no idea what it consists of. I was just so close to canceling my spot on the Equinox app just now. But I’m going to keep my alarm set and hopefully not let my anxiety cause me to miss out on something I might like.

In terms of other things, I didn’t quite stick to my to do list. I did go grocery shopping and I did walk the track. But I need to be a bit more efficient if I want to be proud of/satisfied with my efforts. Out of the 6 tasks on my to do list, I’d like to completely atleast 4-5 of them. And cross off all of my daily goals. It shouldn’t be too difficult. But... knowing me..

I made turkey chili for dinner, I have a lot left so that’ll be my dinner for the next few nights. It’s pretty good but I do think I need to be more mindful of my diet.

I’m getting frustrated with myself because I keep finding myself saying “I need to make better choices with eating,” and “I need to be more consistent with exercising” but I’m not pushing myself to put true effort into it. There’s no point in pretending to be meeting my expectations and goals. I’d only be lying to myself.. and I kind of am. So I need to figure it out.

Tomorrow I’ll go to the gym class at 9:30. I’ll come home, shower, have a smoothie, and then I have a meeting at 1 to get approved for TSA pre-check for when I travel. It’ll come in handy now that I’m flying so much to see my bf. After that... I should either go to the library to get a library card and then grab a book, or I should work on mi espanol. Or both. Then it’s Bachelor Monday so I’ll rot my brain with that.

MONDAY, 2/10/2020

Gym @ 9:30 AM

TSA appointment 1:00 PM

Revolve return, send poshmark item

Library

Get planner/journal

Tidy apartment

Goals:

-Make bed

-Drink 2+ liters of water

-Eat clean

-Exercise

-Stretch

[thesinglesjukebox]

SOCCER MOMMY - CIRCLE THE DRAIN

[7.73]

Did not Usher in a top score; did yield a lot of writing...

Ian Mathers: There's a mandolin part (or something) peeking through the mix here in places that, combined with the dreamy listlessness of Sophie Allison's lyrics and delivery, is giving me significant pangs of that ol' devil nostalgia for both my past and the music of my past. Sometimes though, you just gotta go with it. [9]

Vikram Joseph: Nostalgia is a hallucinogen; it blurs the distinction between times you miss and times you simply happen to remember more vividly than others, and, more disconcertingly, between places you have been and places that have only ever existed in your internal world. There's something about "Circle The Drain" - with its soft golden hour hues, its fuzzy edges - that drives deep into whichever ganglion or cortex is responsible for nostalgia, and sends uncoordinated sparks and signals across its synapses, triggering a slideshow of fragmented memories that may or may not be memories at all. It reminds me of so many tangible things - the late 90s / early 00s guitar-pop of Natalie Imbruglia and Avril Lavigne, the Smashing Pumpkins' "Today", and (strangest of all) second-tier Brit indie band Feeder's tender teenage stoner anthem "High" - but also of so much that is unreachable and unnameable - walks home from nowhere, composite daydreams from a hundred train windows, summers disintegrating into the building blocks of memory. As if getting older isn't frightening enough, if I have this much capacity for nostalgia at just past 30 won't I be slowly crushed under its weight by 70? But for now, while I can still think of myself as young, I'm grateful for this song - a gorgeous, dreamy downer - and for the synthesis of new memories from the glowing rubble of ones that came before. [9]

Leah Isobel: On my first day of work in the new decade, a customer yelled at me. It wasn't the first time this had happened, and he wasn't actually mad at me; he was hurt by something my boss had done, and I was just in the crosshairs. But what he said - the justified core of his anger - has stuck with me, like an ink I can't wash off my hands. It's followed me all month, keeping me from being present with my friends or honest with my parents or productive at my job. I haven't been able to write about it, either; the helplessness, the horror, the rot I feel in my body. It feels a lot like the sick-sweet guitar decay in this song. [9]

Julian Axelrod: Calling a song "passive" is rarely a complement, but everything about "Circle the Drain" feels detached in the best way. The sample-of-a-sample guitars fade in and out of focus, Sophie Allison's numb sigh is couched in a week's worth of reverb, and her verses frame summer love and self-immolation as equidistant unattainable ideals. It's a song about depression, but it doubles as an interrogation of the "slacker rock" tag bands like Soccer Mommy so often fall under: Is this person stuck on the couch because they're unambitious, or has the mold in their brain turned them to a bedridden husk of their usual chipper self? Everything around Allison is pristinely produced, which makes its passivity all the more pointed. As a great artist once said, "Do you think a depressed person could make this?" [7]

Nortey Dowuona: A nice, twee song about being sad. That's it. that's the tweet. [9]

Katherine St Asaph: I cannot pinpoint, and it's bugging me, what specific maybe-obvious riff this is biting. (My ears hear something like Kay Hanley's Cherry Marmalade, and the duh answer is probably like Nirvana, but I think part of it is, of all things, Incubus's "Drive"?) But I've listened to enough '90s college-rock filler to recognize a clear improvement on it. [7]

Alfred Soto: Nailing the early nineties college rock churn 'n' jangle as surely as "Lucy" did last year, "Circle the Drain" flirts more closely -- more ominously -- with the churn 'n' jangle that crossed over several years later: think Shawn Colvin, not Belly. Listeners may dig this direction. I say Soccer Mommy gets blanded out. [6]

Thomas Inskeep: Is that a banjo? Well, that's unexpected. The guitar-plugged-into-a-sole-amp and ramshackle '90s-Beck-ish drums, those are expected. But you can definitely hear the increased production budget on this, and I'm not 100% it's for the better. [6]

Brad Shoup: The dream of Adult Alternative is alive and well and uncanny. The idea of daubing one's emotional grayness into the short shadows of a deceptively summery pop rocker... I wasn't sure that was a move anymore. [7]

Joshua Copperman: This doesn't sound like a 90s radio hit, this sounds like 90s album filler. Okay, that's a bit much. It sounds like it was there, but then someone at Loma Vista said 'it's 2020, music has been functional background noise for like four years now, take out everything interesting except for the delay spin in the second verse and the nifty tape flutter effect around four minutes in, don't distract anyone'. There's a synth pad at 1:15 that disappears by 1:20. The actual song is pretty great - I especially love the imagery of walking on a cable, depression being so debilitating that doing anything has the stakes of conducting the electric city. The top comment on eight-minute advance single "Yellow is the Color of Her Eyes" currently reads "If she went far enough, I think she would meet Chris Martin at the beach." For "Circle The Drain," I wish she did. [6]

Michael Hong: Bubbly and burbly, "Circle the Drain" sounds exactly like that, a spinning whirlpool. Where Clean was blurred by the surrounding ennui of being a teenager with a crush, "Circle the Drain" marks a clear progression in Soccer Mommy's sound, sounding more expansive and vibrant. You feel it in the twang of the looping guitar melody and in the shuffle of the backing beat. The background noise of Clean is washed away, reduced to a low fuzzy din and Soccer Mommy's voice comes with reassuring elegance that suggests while you can fall apart in the spiral, there's comfort to come when it does eventually end. [9]

Joshua Minsoo Kim: I hate the game my mind plays with regards to my depression being "legitimate" enough. If things are OK and I don't feel depressed: Great, but was I just dumb and emotional this whole time and my depression not actually real? When things are OK and I feel depressed: Not great, but at least I know my depression is... real? I don't know. That I have such thoughts is an upsetting thing in and of itself, and the plainness with which Soccer Mommy talks about not wanting to remain strong for family and friends is a reminder of how debilitating life can be. That others feel that way makes me feel less alone. "Circle the Drain" is a song about being stuck, of being "chained" to your bed (please help me if I'm "napping" all the time). There's a quiet appeal--a slacker glamour--that this song exudes, that captures the allure and sickness and banality of depression in the everyday. [8]

Will Adams: The chorus is curious; the bridge sets up a clear launch, but at the cathartic moment the production falls away, to the point it feels like we're getting a second verse. It's not until the titular thinking appears ("round and around") that the arrangement comes back into focus. It's a neat trick. One that wears thin by the third time, but who am I to argue with a song that wraps me in the nostalgic comfort of Orange County radio and Daria commercial bumpers like this. [8]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: Soccer Mommy's best songs capture the clarity of feeling like shit like no other artist's do. It's a hard feeling, the way that being lost and beaten-down create not any kind of moral righteousness but a shocking awareness. It's everywhere on "Circle the Drain," from the crunch of the intro guitars and the tinniness of the drum machine on the bridge to Allison's vocal performance, which sounds at once both immediate and far away. But it's there most in her songwriting, which Gabe Wax's production only intensifies. The way that the second verse breaks from the figurative language of the first into stark, morbidly funny descriptions of mental illness and decay is arresting, and the way the song pushes through it, almost making the final choruses sound triumphant, is even more so. [8]

Alex Clifton: "Circle the Drain" is a story of depression set to the warmest guitars I've heard this side of the nineties. It's a beautifully neat trick to pull and Soccer Mommy here does so with aplomb--both aspects kept reeling me back in for second and third listens. Although the lyrics are sad, the feeling is ultimately uplifting. It's okay if you are falling to pieces. A song like this will catch you. [8]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]

[shinningstarz]

I posted 4,641 times in 2021

9 posts created (0%)

4632 posts reblogged (100%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 514.7 posts.

I added 37 tags in 2021

#ref - 9 posts

#life ref - 6 posts

#something cool - 5 posts

#writing ref - 4 posts

#it has elephants - 3 posts

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Longest Tag: 136 characters

#y for someone who claimed to respect women he sure did praise the fuck out of supernaturals portrayal of them insisting its not that bad

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

What's the answer

0 notes • Posted 2021-08-20 02:43:26 GMT

#4

Hello, dear! You've been visited by the random character question fairy! :D ~☆

List a few of your character's favorite things! (For example: favorite flower, drink, food, clothing item, piece of literature or art, song, place, etc.) Is there any particular reason why these things are your character's favorite?

Hi yes sorry I kept putting this off

I'm going to go with Yu, because the current DB brain rot

Her favorite way to introduce herself is "I am Yu," because her name is you but spelt Yu so she says she is you and jokes like that till the person realizes or someone ruins the joke. Her favorite being is her Wife Korva who really changed the outcome of her life. Her favorite thing to do is try new foods because she's a goddess in my au, she doesn't need to eat but she can and like to try different foods. Her favorite thing to do is pick people up with her tail because then they know they're in trouble.

Her favorite song is an old Saiyan lullaby because it reminds her of home before she became a goddess.

And that's all I can think of for right now

0 notes • Posted 2021-05-05 06:04:45 GMT

#3

Pass the happy! 🧡 When you get this, reply with 5 things that make you happy and send this to the last 10 people in your notifications! <3!

Oh! it's been awhile since I've gotten one of these 💚

1. My Cat Pumpkin, he's still baby

2. Talking to my friends

3. Finding nice customers at work who I can chat with

4. Dragon Ball. This is an ongoing obsession <3

5. Going to the park with my little sister.

0 notes • Posted 2021-05-05 06:00:19 GMT

#2

Kung Fu Panda theory: when Shen sealed his fate, he also sealed Tai Lungs fate and saved the furious five.

So I was watching Kung Fu Panda and obviously since I watched that I have to watch the second one again. And I was sitting there and I'm watching the opening sequence introducing Shen and his fate of being killed by a warrior of black and white.

And like I said I'm sitting there I'm watching it but I happen to realize, that one Shen sealed his fate, he also sealed Tai Lungs fate.

Here's how:

When the soothSayer said, "if Shen continues on the path of darkness he will be defeated by a warrior of black and white." Shen then turned around and sent the wolves to kill the pandas, but in attacking the panda village he indirectly set Po up to become the Dragon warrior.

Because if he had gone on the good path, Po's mom would have never put him in the cart to be discovered by his goose dad, so that's Poe would have had no idea about the furious five or even be trained in kung fu.

Think about it from this flashback sequence, we can tell the pandas that Poe comes from aren't fighters, and we can tell on the third film that they tend to be isolated.

When Shen set out kill the pandas, so he wouldn't die. He sealed his fate it is said so in the film, "his next actions sealed his fate."

So because Shen attacked the pandas his mom put him on the delivery cart for him to be in the city with the Jade Palace with the furious 5 and for him to be chosen to become the Dragon warrior. Po is destined to be the Dragon warrior that point is final he is the Dragon warrior there's no if ands or but he is it's his destiny. But he only knew of kung fu and was able to be trained because he was in the city with the Jade's Palace with the furious 5 with Master shifu and Master oogway.

But he never would have been there in the first place if Shane had turned to the good side. So because Shen attacked the pandas his mom put him in the cart for him to be chosen and trained in kung fu, just in time to stop Tai Lung.

The way I think of it is... When Shane sealed his Fate by attacking the pandas he also sealed Thai lungs fate because he then set up to be in the Jade Palace City in the valley he lives, and because he lives there Master oogway is able to pick up on his Dragon warrior destiny when he's trying to see the furious 5 when they're trying to find the dragon warrior, so thus I can only come to the conclusion.

If Shen was a good guy Thailand would still be alive the furious five Master oogway and master chief we would all be dead, and Poe wouldn't know Kung Fu.

I know I said think about it, but think about it.

If Shen was a good guy he wouldn't have attacked to the pandas which wouldn't have allowed to Po's mom to put him on the delivery cart for his goose dad to find him and because his goose dad found him he was in the valley he was able to be chosen as the Dragon warrior, oogway was able to pick up on it.

But we've seen where the old Panda village was Oogway wouldn't have been able to sense someone there from all the way in the Jade Palace where he was in that village if it was still there and it would be there if Shen turned to good. If shen never fucking attacked the panda village Oogway and shifu would have never found the Dragon warrior and time to stop Tai lung Oogway still would have died because it was his time, shifu and the furious 5 would have died by Tai Lung's hands and so would've the rest of the valley.

That's why I say when Shen sealed his fate, he also sealed Tai Lungs.

I know this, I know Master shifu and the furious 5 would be dead because it is said in the first film it's demonstrated that they are no match for him.

If Shen hadn't attacked the panda village, Poe wouldn't have been found in time to stop not only Tai lung but he wouldn't know enough Kung Fu to stop Shen.

I don't know what Master Oogways and master Shifu's plan was going to be if none of the theory is five turned out to be the Dragon warrior and Poe wasn't there.

I don't know it but I can safely assume no matter the plan, they wouldn't have enough time, Tai Lung would have killed the furious five and shifu.

So again for the final and last time, when Shen sealed his fate, he also sealed Tai Lung's fate.

See the full post

6 notes • Posted 2021-09-05 21:24:43 GMT

#1

Hello aced attorneys fans :)

13 notes • Posted 2021-04-01 17:48:28 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[365-money-diary]

DAYS 50 - 56

DAY FIFTY

6:25 AM - Up an at ‘em. It’s vaccine day! The State Farm Stadium is 30 minutes away from my house and I kind of have a history of feeling light-headed and such so I eat a piece of toast before we leave. Prep our water bottles and coffee in our respective hydroflasks and we’re out the door.

7:25 AM - We arrive to the stadium and go through a slew of checkpoints. Unfortunately because of the storms they aren’t giving out plus ones today so we will try for K again when I get my second. The process is pretty easy and we are out of there in 30 minutes. I get the Pfizer vaccine. :) 

8:30 AM - K and I take a walk since I still have some time before work starts. 

10:00 AM - Today is going to be super easy workwise so I just kind of take my time easing into it. I start to feel some tingles from the shot as well as arm soreness. Nothing I can’t handle though! 

12:00 PM - Annual charge for my recipe plugin comes through for my blog. Heat up broccoli fried rice for lunch. $49.00

2:00 PM - My arm is starting to hurt but nothing I can’t handle. Eat pretzels.

4:00 PM - Ditch work early to take a walk to the lake. Bring wine in a hydroflask to just sit and enjoy the weather. I chat with T on the way and then FaceTime with H who says he’s moving to Philly. Super bummed honestly. DJing with him is one of my favorite things on this planet.

6:00 PM - Arrive home to find a sleepy K. My arm is really hurting at this point and we decide to take a nap.

7:30 PM - Wake up feeling groggy and in pain. Remember they advised drinking water before taking Tylenol so I down 48 ounces and actually start to feel better. Heat up a Big Sur Breakfast burrito for dinner and K and I watch the first 30 minutes of Uncut Gems. K’s brother hits him up to play RocketLeague and so he breaks away to that and I watch more of The Challenge.

11:30 PM - I am tired of being awake and would just rather be asleep.

DAY FIFTY TOTAL: $49.00

DAY FIFTY-ONE

8:30 AM - Wake up feeling like my body has been doing work to fight something, but without any external symptoms (fever, chills, fatigue) minus my sore arm. Continue hydrating and make a chemex.

9:00 AM - I can’t really work on the trim today as planned because of my arm, so I decide to work on my blog instead. 

11:00 AM - Make pancakes and hashbrowns for breakfast.

2:30 PM - Post a recipe for Greek Salad. The Internet seems to be receptive which is nice… my last few recipes have flopped. Finish The Ruins. Actually bummed Sara & KellyAnne didn’t win. Evan, Kenny, and Johnny suck and needs to rot in hell. Make a giant bowl of popcorn.

5:00 PM - Drop off a ball and a tube to a friend who is starting to take Pure Barre classes again. Walk back and then K and I walk to the lake with the dog. Feels like the best thing we’ve done all day tbh. My arm still hurts too much to exercise so this is the best it’s gonna get.

7:45 PM - Arrive home and roast potatoes for buffalo chicken sandwiches. I’ll definitely be shooting this for the blog.

8:00 PM - It’s one of those nights where I already did everything and I’m tired of screens. I reached out to a friend a few days ago for book recs and I pick one from the list called The Guest List. Buy it on kindle. $16.40

9:30 PM - I’m already ready to start a new season of The Challenge. This one is Fresh Meat II. Can’t believe Darrell gets eliminated on the first episode. Dang.

10:45 PM - K and I decide we’re tired and that it’s time for beddie. My body is definitely ready for sleep. 

DAY FIFTY-ONE TOTAL: $16.40

DAY FIFTY-TWO

8:30 AM - Wake up feeling pretty rested. Definitely a lot better today. Arm is mildly sore. Might be able to ride the bike or play DDR today. Maybe modify Pure Barre but probably not. Take a shower for the first time since Thursday because I usually shower after I exercise and that hasn’t happened in a while… hah.

9:00 AM - My kettle has been here for a few days but I haven’t broken it out of the shed yet. Unbox the beauty, give it a little rinse and make my first cup of coffee. I like how quiet it is and how little space it takes up. 10/10.

10:15 AM - I notice I still have a half block of tofu leftover so I make tofu/egg tacos for breakfast with Field Roast Sausage, mushrooms, onions, and jalapenos.

11:15 AM - Clean the kitchen and prep for shooting. I am feelin’ the vibes from my last post so I don’t want to lose motivation. Make miso butter pasta since it’s really all I can swing with the ingredients in my pantry. 

1:15 PM - Finish shooting and import the photos into my library while watching The Challenge in the background. Decide might as well start editing. I don’t have much else going on and I’m again, feeling motivated.

4:30 PM - K goes on a drive and I decide to play DDR. My arm is not ready for barre but it can dangle a bit while I stomp on some arrows. I decide I really want to learn Afronova on heavy which is something I never was really able to pass consistently in my youth. It’ll be a good thing to work toward over the next few weeks.

5:30 PM - Pour a glass of wine and hop on zoom with K’s family. It’s nice to see them.

7:30 PM - Make buffalo chicken sandwiches for dinner with potatoes.

9:00 PM - Walk to the lake with K. 

12:00 AM - Finish my entire post for miso butter noodles. I don’t think I’ve ever shot and posted something in the same day. Exhausting! Hah

DAY FIFTY-TWO TOTAL: $0

DAY FIFTY-THREE

8:00 AM - Pure barre charge. Make a chemex. And eat half a bagel with earth balance and nooch for breakfast. Also get charged for my automatic payment to Amazon for iron pills $27.93

9:00 AM - Today is my officemate’s birthday. My boss and I pitched in to get her a Lululemon gift card. $35

12:00 PM - Leftover miso butter noodles for lunch with air-fried broccoli.

5:00 PM - Today was honestly exhausting but I am ready to move. Play a few games of DDR and then do a barre class. 

7:00 PM - Rinse off and make the last of the buffalo chicken sandwiches. We’re very excited for groceries tomorrow hah.

9:30 PM - Buy a phone tripod. I suck at doing videos one-handed and I know I can grow my pages like bananas if I can actually shoot the content correctly. I apply the gift card my boss got me for building her website so this is on the house. 

DAY FIFTY-THREE TOTAL: $62.93

DAY FIFTY-FOUR

7:00 PM - Long ass day. Groceries are slated to arrive. Incoming of bell peppers, tomatoes, grapes, tofu, cucumber, broccoli, red onion, limes, lemons, bananas, jalapenos, serranos, clementines, bread, chickpeas, tortilla chips, tortillas, sprouts, potatoes, baby carrots, onions, salsa, cauliflower rice, cilantro, gf mini pretzels, apples, hashbrowns, oat milk, cheese, vegan cheese, brown rice, white rice, gf pasta, spring mix, romaine, tomato paste, dark chocolate, red wine and balsamic vinegar, pineapple, scallions, oregano, shallots, mushrooms, orzo, kale, chipotle peppers, eggs, brown sugar, burger buns, corn, parsley, veggie straws, vanilla bean, asparagus, snap peas, a pound of coffee, plant sausage, plant yogurt, zucchini, radish, cabbage, seltzer, plant yogurt, pasta sauce, plant pizza, jelly, and mustard. $350.86

8:00 PM - Eat red lentil pasta for dinner.

DAY FIFTY-FOUR TOTAL: $350.86

DAY FIFTY-FIVE

1:00 PM - Done with meetings for the day. My brain hurts. Hah make salad (bbq chicken, spring mix, carrots, bell pepper, onion, corn, tomatoes, cucumbers, and ranch is the combo for the week), drink seltzer, tryyyy to calm down. 

3:40 PM - Actually hoping no one bothers me for the rest of the day. Change into workout clothes and sneak in my last barre class for the challenge. 

6:00 PM - Get charged for CBS all access. Craving a cocktail instead of wine. Pick some grapefruits from the backyard, text J to ask how to salt a rim, then make a grapefruit + mezcal drink with a chili-lime salted rim. YUM.  $6.48

7:00 PM - Veggie sandwiches with potatoes is the name of dinner for the next few days. So good!

DAY FIFTY-FIVE TOTAL: $6.48

DAY FIFTY-SIX

8:30 AM - Make a chemex and “get to work.” Today is super slow. I finish the last of my outstanding tasks, make 2 batches of chex mix which I regret because K says he won’t be eating any since he’s trying to avoid salt. Snack on that and then make salad for lunch.

1:30 PM - Literally no one has pinged me so I take the opportunity to play some DDR. I play for nearly an hour before anyone bothers me and nail down the steps to this one section of Afronova at ⅕ the speed. I’ll try ⅖ tomorrow! 

5:30 PM - K and I are both starving so I make us dinner early today. Drink a grapefruit + mezcal cocktail after din.

8:30 PM - K asks if I’ll walk to the lake with him and the dog. I kind of don’t want to since I played my heart out already but he asks pleeeassse and I oblige. The walk is really really nice. We even sit near the waterfront for a while watching people do this cheesy skate routine. 

10:30 PM - Make it back. I work on my blog in K’s office while he edits video stuff. I have The Challenge on in the background and finish Fresh Meat II. Only 11 more seasons before I can cancel my membership! Hah.

DAY FIFTY-SIX TOTAL: $0

[juliahipolito12-zeal]

December 2, 2017

6:10 AM

School again. Now I know that so far, I’ve started this whole weekend-school thing with a curse and annoyance all over my posts but let’s start anew today. Let’s try to be positive abd happy that I atleast won’t gain more weight by rotting in bed all day.

Yeah! Hurray for optimism!

7 - 9 AM (not sure about the time)

I ain’t doing this shit. I’m already tired as hell. I want to sleep and catch some lost Zs but instead I have to work my brain to death for nth time this week.

12:30 AM

Going home and meeting my beloved bed? Nope! Not hapening anytime soon. I have to go straight to Gerona to finish our project for Entrepreneurship. As unwilling and annoyed I may be right at this moment, I have to put up with it for me to pass this subject. Am I happy that I get to go to places I rarely go to? Nope.

Well, there goes all the optimism I had for less than a freaking hour.

2:15 AM

We have just touched down at Tea Cup where we will be meeting the entrepreneur that we are supposed to interview. I have to say, the whole place is relatively small but it is cozy and quite peaceful despite the yelling of the workers outside, the cars whoozing by, my mates talking at the top of their lungs—On second thought, when I said cozy and peaceful, I meant just cozy.

5:00 AM

Finally! I’m leaving and going back to Tarlac but that doesn’t end my misery. I still have to go from mall to fucking mall, looking for something I can wear tomorrow for a very special event.

God! Just please let me rest! I want to sleep for 24 freaking hours! Shit!

[radio-rhetoric-blog]

Shaits

Poetic: In the end? Sigh, will wish I have anonymity, means to me that the thoughts in my head no longer leak against my free will, then I go to sleep, when I get up I'll just run around near the ocean till I want to sleep, doesn't matter if I wake up again anymore... -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 9:57 8/14/2018 GMT+8

No, Ma Yun. I don't want to know why I have no money, I just want to know why I have no anonymity. -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 20:54 8/13/2018

Concerning memories in my brain, rot, corruption, dishonesty: War becomes inevitable for me when certain concerns rises, choose better hopefully. As I tread my life while trying not to rot or corrupt, what happened to me these few days(mainly since the end of July 2018 till 8/6/2018) combining with past experiences and knowledge revealed the truth of a lot more as well as bigger pictures. I probably forgot it sometime before and some will exploit me to win more ends that is dishonest, rotten or corrupt for themselves at my table. Such deeds belong to that "Rot and corruption" sort of thing I talked about and faced often. Written to myself for thoughts, try not to have it forgotten. My increasing knowledge and real life experiences has made these lines more and more accurate and now its precision is almost 100% I bet! Few jokes deriving from these prev lines I'd appreciate. -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 20:52 8/13/2018

Poetic: Truly, if every bit of me is on the menu for food, metaphorically speaking. Is there much I can do to change myself and be free at last? Is this my fate... -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 22:07 8/9/2018

Important note about "puppeteer": The staged matters happened to and around me early Aug in the year 2018 tell that whether the "Puppeteer" mental control(s) me or not, the "puppeteer" exploit(s) me to benifit the dishonest lots. Also I suspect that the "puppeteer" compete(s) with me at controlling my mind to achieve previously mentioned ends, gain(s) when my mind gets weaker, I think. -prev lines of messages were last edited at 9:40 8/12/2018

To think of what I am good at and indulge in. Philosophy, high calorie labor, singing. All are still carrying through. Sigh, tiredness in my heart never changed though. And happiness is gone due to no-anonymity if my life doesn't change! Latest idea for my own good I figured through the largest amount of my intel may lie in the word "migrate". -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 14:32 8/22/2018

Early in Aug 2018, I mopped the head of my already-dry prick with a piece of tissue then rubbed the same tissue into a ball-shape in even less than a few minutes with my supposedly clean hands and ate the same tissue after a few minutes. -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 9:16 8/12/2018

1 Think if I followed the lead of that 上海灘��小姐 early this year, what would become of me eventually... ​ -Prev lines of messages were last edited around 12:00 to 13:00 8/6/2018

1 Well her father sends you to work, you do it at daytime like. At other time frames you are her male prostitute. "一定要堅持喲 早晚早晚每天每天" -Prev lines of messages were last edited around 12:00 to 13:00 8/6/2018

2 About meaningful? -Prev lines of messages were last edited around 12:00 to 13:00 8/6/2018

2 Thoughts as well as memories(Thoughts stored away) and my knowlege(Know-how amongst the memories) are just chemicals and electrical currents. So to know if the thoughts has any meaning, one has to be and capable of complete thinking, thus has to be alive. -Prev line of message was last edited at 22:45 8/25/2018

2 Can a dead guy think? -Prev lines of messages were last edited around 12:00 to 13:00 8/6/2018

2 Who knows, let the dead guy tell, as if he could. Thus a guy won't be able to spread the thoughts from his memories(more and more he gets as he lives on) if dead, even though both dead and alive have complex chemicals and can have electrical currents running through their thought-producing-units. -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 22:16 8/9/2018

2 Then who's more meaningful and considered better at the same time? Dead guys or alive ones? -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 22:16 8/9/2018

2 In truth who knows anyway, could it be equal amount of or not. Even though those who are alive seems always to be more meaningful than those dead. -Prev lines of messages were last edited around 12:00 to 13:00 8/6/2018

2 Why "Even though" and "seems" in prev sentence? -Prev lines of messages were last edited around 12:00 to 13:00 8/6/2018

2 Dead guys couldn't tell anything, so to kill alive guys or decapitate their thoughts-spreading-capabilities can make it so permanentely. The

[kosa12-blog]

Inside Chris Cornell’s Lifelong Struggle With Fame: The Soundgarden Frontman Battled Demons as He Became a Rock God

Ask anyone yesterday, and the answer would have been that Chris Cornell had seemingly survived the sort of demons that had consumed so many rock 'n' roll stars before him, including fellow founding members of the very Seattle grunge scene that birthed Soundgarden in the 1980s. So when people started to wake up this morning to news that Cornell had died at the age of 52, the grief that started pouring out from his fellow artists and legions of fans was palpable. A few hours later an autopsy confirmed that Cornell had committed suicide by hanging himself. And as the tributes to his musical prowess are written—his was considered to be one of the greatest voices in rock, a booming yet nuanced voice capable of leading a headbanging frenzy in a packed stadium and commanding silence with an unplugged ballad—the feeling of shock will be unshakable. After all, he died in the middle of a tour, hours after Soundgarden performed at Detroit's Fox Theatre. Only in hindsight does Cornell's final bit of creative license onstage, mixing in a bit of Led Zeppelin's "In My Time of Dying" with his band's "Slaves & Bulldozers," seem fraught with meaning. Celebrity Deaths: 2017's Fallen Stars Though it's unclear whether he knew about Cornell's tribute, Led Zeppelin guitarist Jimmy Page tweeted upon hearing the news, "RIP Chris Cornell Incredibly Talented... Incredibly Young...Incredibly Missed." Sources told TMZ this morning that Cornell's wife of 13 years, Vicky Karayiannis, has been telling people around her that Chris had been showing no signs of depression, much less indicating he was suicidal in any way. Moreover, she reportedly said, it was unfathomable he would take his own life because he was so devoted to his three children, son Christopher and daughter Toni with Vicky and daughter Lillian Jean with his ex-wife, Susan Silver. And as far as any identifiable outward behavior went, that is often the case. Soundgarden, which had reunited in 2010 after more than a decade apart, was reportedly recording its first new album in five years. Audioslave, which Cornell formed with Tom Morello in 2001, played its first show together in 12 years just months ago for Prophets of Rage's political protest affair, the Anti-Inaugural Ball. Cornell even did a stage dive and was comfortably caught by dozens of outstretched hands.  Also a noted solo artist, the rocker had also just contributed the titular track for the film The Promise, set during the days leading up to the Armenian Genocide. (His solo pipes were quite sought after for movie soundtracks, notably including Singles, Great Expectations, Mission: Impossible 2 and Casino Royale.) Last month he shared a photo from his trip to Greece, where he visited a refugee camp  with the International Rescue Committee and brought his daughter Toni with him to the Vatican for a screening of The Promise. In 2015 when Cornell was on his solo Higher Truth tour, Toni joined him onstage at New York's Beacon Theater one night to cover Bob Marley's "Redemption Song," showing off her own impressively strong voice. (Asked what his advice would be if his kids wanted to pursue music careers, he said, "Make sure that it's inspired, that's your chief goal, 'cause I also believe that success comes from that.") Between Soundgarden, Audioslave and his five solo albums, Cornell seemed to almost never be not working throughout the course of his three-decade career. Though they had already been rocking out for a decade beforehand, Superunknown, their fourth album, put Soundgarden on the mainstream map in 1994, debuting at No. 1 on the Billboard 200 and going on to sell more than 9 million copies. The haunting, doll-head-melting video for the smash-hit track "Black Hole Sun" won Best Rock Video at the 1994 MTV Video Music Awards, and the band won two Grammys in 1995, Best Hard Rock Performance for "Black Hole Sun" and Best Metal Performance for "Spoonman." Musicians Performing Live on Stage But though Chris Cornell was the consummate rock frontman, from his scruffy handsomeness to his booming gravelly voice and magnetic stage presence, it was making the music that consumed him, and while he wholeheartedly appreciated his fans, he didn't love the scrutiny that accompanies fame or the expectations and pressure that goes with being known for a certain type of music. "It's about trying to step out of being patterned and closed off and reclusive, which I've always had a problem with," Cornell told Rolling Stone in 1994 nine months after Superunknown catapulted Soundgarden to the next level of success, explaining the meaning behind the song "I Day I Tried to Live." "It's about attempting to be normal and just go out and be around other people and hang out. I have a tendency to sometimes be pretty closed off and not see people for long periods of time and not call anyone." With Kurt Cobain's suicide on April 5, 1994, still fresh in everyone's mind, and fresh off the smash success of Superunknown, Cornell (who was a huge Nirvana fan but didn't consider himself a friend of Kurt's) also told the magazine that it was "hard not to be a little bitter" about the commercialization of Seattle as this whole grunge music "scene." "We lost good friends in the process," he said. "And all of a sudden you realize that it's turned into something that's considered a fashion statement. It's like mining. It's like somebody came into your city with bulldozers and water compressors and mined your own perfect mountain and excavated it and threw out what they didn't want and left the rest to rot. It's that bad." He continued, "All of a sudden you see it on TV, and people that you know and love are getting the wrong idea because of what they saw on the news. You can't help but think that somewhere, somebody's been robbed. And I don't even think it's me. I think it's everyone." "We've always been fairly reclusive and damaged," he said of himself and his band mates. Though Cornell considered Soundgarden a bit removed from the Seattle machine, he was proud of where the band came from. "But outside of the people that were involved with the Seattle scene when it was happening, the rest of the country and the world and probably a lot of the bands that play in Seattle now think that what the Seattle scene was about is Soundgarden, Pearl Jam, Nirvana and Alice in Chains—guitar-based rock with punk influences and '70s influences. Period. End of story. And that's so far from what was going on." His perspective would evolve in the ensuing decades, but, perhaps rooted in his hard-fought beginnings to get his band off the ground, Cornell the singer-songwriter always felt somewhat at odds with Cornell the rock star.   "I was always the kid who listened to records on my own, in my bedroom, spending hours focusing, always gravitating to deep album tracks and those weirder ones. That was kind of my thing," he reflected to TheStranger.com in 2015 while talking about whether he had mixed feelings about commercial success. "And if one of those made it on the radio, it was always a little bit surprising. The same way it was surprising to me when 'Black Hole Sun' was a single when everybody seemed to unanimously choose it as one. I don't think we thought of it as a song that would make it on the radio." Ultimately, touring as a solo artist, whether he was singing stripped-down versions of his songs that were his own, Soundgarden's or Audioslave's, helped him reconcile what could be misconstrued as his competing sounds. Going acoustic or thereabouts "brought it all together under one umbrella, and I started to feel like, oh, that's who I am," he said. "It's not a mystery. It's not a puzzle to solve. I'm this guy, and that's my entire history." Soundgarden broke up in 1997 and Cornell immediately got to work on his own solo debut, 1999's Euphoria Morning (16 years later he changed the spelling to the originally intended Mourning), then headed out on tour. But while he would later say that he never wrote—effectively, anyway—while under the influence of any substance other than coffee ("always my biggest vice"), Cornell's issues were starting to catch up with him. "Alcohol's the only drug that affects your entire brain," he mused in an interview years later about why being under the influence and writing didn't mix for him, as it has for many creative types. "It would do this one thing, I suppose, that's good for someone in terms of the expressionism, which kind of relieves you of your fear, and you become less inhibited. But then for me, for whatever some reason, the doors that need to open to where it becomes almost like I'm the conduit to something else, it's not just a construct—that just doesn't open up. I think alcohol dumbs, whatever that is, down...And other drugs too. Nothing ever made me more inspired, or more able or more capable as a songwriter. "It's not like I didn't try. I wrote things drunk before. I just made sure nobody every heard them or saw the lyrics," he laughed. "I would destroy it." Celebrity Rehabbers He went to rehab in the early '00s but didn't talk much about it until years later. "I went through a serious crisis with depression where I didn't eat a whole meal every day. I was just kind of shutting down," he told Seattle PI in 2006, talking about the period after Soundgarden broke up. "I eventually found that the only way out of that was to change virtually everything in my life. That was a very frightening thing to do, but it was worthwhile... " "But I felt there was something on the horizon that was going to be very big and I didn't know what it was going to be, but I felt like it was out there somewhere." Rehab "was something I didn't want to do and I guess I was intimidated by it. I thought I was smart enough and that it wasn't really necessary. But it got to the point where I had to do something." He told the U.K.'s Mirror in 2012 that rehab was inevitable, even if Soundgarden had initially stayed together. Cornell described his battle with substance abuse as "a long slow slide and then a long, slow recovery—but there was self-discovery too...For me it was mostly alcohol—from my late teens until my late thirties." One of the reasons that so many people were unaware of what plagued him was that Cornell barely missed a beat as far as his musical output went—a fact he acknowledged to the Mirror. "I came out of rehab," he recalled, "and immediately went on tour with Audioslave, sold millions of records and was playing in front of crowds of 10,000 or 20,000. It's not what most people go through. Most of the time, coming out of rehab people have a destroyed life, struggle to just work again and get a job. "I sort of had an identity sitting there waiting to be embraced. I was very lucky I was able to see that and not take it for granted. It helped me climb out of the mire. I saw how hard it could be." Shocking Pop Star Deaths Cornell met Vicky in Paris and lived in the City of Light for a time, at one point opening a restaurant (he had held restaurant jobs and worked as a sous chef in his struggling-musician days) called Black Calavados with his wife and brother-in-law while he was also making music with Audioslave. A few years ago, the Cornell family relocated to Miami. "I wasn't sure how that would work, being creative here, living here, writing here," he told the Tampa Bay Times about his new home in 2015. "But I just started doing that, and it seems to be doing great."   Soundgarden reunited in 2010, but Cornell also continued to record and tour as a solo act. Asked in 2015 about changing the name of his 1999 album Euphoria Mourning to its originally intended, more morose spelling, he told Rolling Stone that the record company had preferred "Morning," thinking it would cause less confusion. "It was a pretty dark album lyrically and pretty depressing, and I was going through a really difficult time in my life," Cornell recalled. "My band wasn't together anymore, my marriage was falling apart and I was dealing with it by drinking way too much, and that has its own problems, particularly with depression...But mentally I wasn't together enough to really know what was right. So I went with 'Morning,' and it's bothered me ever since." His own struggles made him particularly attuned to the unsuspecting ease with which tragedy could strike those who seemingly would have more lifelines than most. Asked about the impromptu cover of "I Will Always Love You" that he sang at a fundraiser for Barack Obama in 2012 that was held a few days after Whitney Houston's death, Cornell told Vulture, "There are a lot of feelings in people who are stars who had an effect on a lot of other people. Anyone that suffers depression and addiction, as it relates to the entertainment business, often there can kind of be a cocoon [around them]. "Though you would imagine someone like that would have more resources to get better, it can often be the opposite. You're kind of enabled to continue whatever lifestyle it is. There's sadness to anyone that dies before their time, and specifically ones that seem to affect people in a positive way. It doesn't matter if it's Whitney Houston or a nameless, faceless person on the street. That's just as big of a tragedy for me." He was also very aware of the sad endings that had befallen so many fellow musicians, not least of them the ones who got their start in his hometown, such as Cobain and Alice in Chains' Layne Staley, who died of an overdose in 2002. And it seemed, including to those close to him, up until less than 24 hours ago, that Cornell was not facing down the kind of pain that can get the better of anyone, no matter how big the success or how loving the family.  "There's something about losing friends, particularly young people, where it's not something that you get over," Cornell told Vulture. "I don't believe there's a healing process. How do you, really? In what way can you stop and say, 'Well, it's god's will.' I always thought that line I've heard a million times—twice as bright but half as long—is bulls--t. It's tragedy. I just carry all of that with me all the time. "All I can do, if anything, out of respect for my friends that are no longer here, is to do my best to lead a good life and and take advantage of the fact that I'm still around, take the opportunities I have that they should've had."