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Shaits
Poetic: In the end? Sigh, will wish I have anonymity, means to me that the thoughts in my head no longer leak against my free will, then I go to sleep, when I get up I'll just run around near the ocean till I want to sleep, doesn't matter if I wake up again anymore... -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 9:57 8/14/2018 GMT+8
No, Ma Yun. I don't want to know why I have no money, I just want to know why I have no anonymity. -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 20:54 8/13/2018
Concerning memories in my brain, rot, corruption, dishonesty: War becomes inevitable for me when certain concerns rises, choose better hopefully. As I tread my life while trying not to rot or corrupt, what happened to me these few days(mainly since the end of July 2018 till 8/6/2018) combining with past experiences and knowledge revealed the truth of a lot more as well as bigger pictures. I probably forgot it sometime before and some will exploit me to win more ends that is dishonest, rotten or corrupt for themselves at my table. Such deeds belong to that "Rot and corruption" sort of thing I talked about and faced often. Written to myself for thoughts, try not to have it forgotten. My increasing knowledge and real life experiences has made these lines more and more accurate and now its precision is almost 100% I bet! Few jokes deriving from these prev lines I'd appreciate. -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 20:52 8/13/2018
Poetic: Truly, if every bit of me is on the menu for food, metaphorically speaking. Is there much I can do to change myself and be free at last? Is this my fate... -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 22:07 8/9/2018
Important note about "puppeteer": The staged matters happened to and around me early Aug in the year 2018 tell that whether the "Puppeteer" mental control(s) me or not, the "puppeteer" exploit(s) me to benifit the dishonest lots. Also I suspect that the "puppeteer" compete(s) with me at controlling my mind to achieve previously mentioned ends, gain(s) when my mind gets weaker, I think. -prev lines of messages were last edited at 9:40 8/12/2018
To think of what I am good at and indulge in. Philosophy, high calorie labor, singing. All are still carrying through. Sigh, tiredness in my heart never changed though. And happiness is gone due to no-anonymity if my life doesn't change! Latest idea for my own good I figured through the largest amount of my intel may lie in the word "migrate". -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 14:32 8/22/2018
Early in Aug 2018, I mopped the head of my already-dry prick with a piece of tissue then rubbed the same tissue into a ball-shape in even less than a few minutes with my supposedly clean hands and ate the same tissue after a few minutes. -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 9:16 8/12/2018
1 Think if I followed the lead of that 上海灘大小姐 early this year, what would become of me eventually... -Prev lines of messages were last edited around 12:00 to 13:00 8/6/2018
1 Well her father sends you to work, you do it at daytime like. At other time frames you are her male prostitute. "一定要堅持喲 早晚早晚每天每天" -Prev lines of messages were last edited around 12:00 to 13:00 8/6/2018
2 About meaningful? -Prev lines of messages were last edited around 12:00 to 13:00 8/6/2018
2 Thoughts as well as memories(Thoughts stored away) and my knowlege(Know-how amongst the memories) are just chemicals and electrical currents. So to know if the thoughts has any meaning, one has to be and capable of complete thinking, thus has to be alive. -Prev line of message was last edited at 22:45 8/25/2018
2 Can a dead guy think? -Prev lines of messages were last edited around 12:00 to 13:00 8/6/2018
2 Who knows, let the dead guy tell, as if he could. Thus a guy won't be able to spread the thoughts from his memories(more and more he gets as he lives on) if dead, even though both dead and alive have complex chemicals and can have electrical currents running through their thought-producing-units. -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 22:16 8/9/2018
2 Then who's more meaningful and considered better at the same time? Dead guys or alive ones? -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 22:16 8/9/2018
2 In truth who knows anyway, could it be equal amount of or not. Even though those who are alive seems always to be more meaningful than those dead. -Prev lines of messages were last edited around 12:00 to 13:00 8/6/2018
2 Why "Even though" and "seems" in prev sentence? -Prev lines of messages were last edited around 12:00 to 13:00 8/6/2018
2 Dead guys couldn't tell anything, so to kill alive guys or decapitate their thoughts-spreading-capabilities can make it so permanentely. The
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n whatever statements alive guys claim over dead guys, the latter does not alter them. -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 22:18 8/9/2018
2 Does this justify killings and decapitating-thoughts-spreading-capabilities? -Prev lines of messages were last edited around 12:00 to 13:00 8/6/2018
2 One may never know. I think not. -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 22:19 8/9/2018
2 So who's dishonest after all? Possibly amongst those who had deeds of dishonesty but didn't get caught? -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 12:37 8/7/2018
2 Never know. -Prev lines of messages were last edited around 12:00 to 13:00 8/6/2018
2 Lots of thoughts chattered about. -Prev lines of messages were last edited around 12:00 to 13:00 8/6/2018
2 Yes. Boring. -Prev lines of messages were last edited around 12:00 to 13:00 8/6/2018
2 Would you still bear and bare with me till truth is realized? -Prev lines of messages were last edited around 12:00 to 13:00 8/6/2018
2 You asked me a lot, don't you. -Prev lines of messages were last edited around 12:00 to 13:00 8/6/2018
2 Check about some meanings of the word blackmail. Might reveal to your thoughts some things you look for, maybe truth even. -Prev lines of messages were last edited around 12:00 to 13:00 8/6/2018
2 I think we both know I do not have anonymity, at the same time I think all other humans have. Through my own endeavors I came to realize. -Prev lines of messages were last edited around 19:41 8/7/2018
2 You may or may not missed my point in this conversation. -Prev lines of messages were last edited around 12:00 to 13:00 8/6/2018
2 Regardless. I believe the entire conversation is done by myself. Meaningful as it aids me to think and to figure things. -Prev lines of messages were last edited around 14:30 1/13/2019
3 On questions: You think the speed of one's output on various things show a lot of this guy. -Prev lines of messages were last edited around 12:00 to 13:00 8/6/2018
3 This "speed" you talked about that you presumed I am to bear or/and bare with you or to bare and/or bear with you or to bear and/or bare with you or to bare or/and bear with you. -Prev lines of messages were last edited around 12:00 to 13:00 8/6/2018
4 On questions: Is this truth seeking guy honest-lazy type or honest-hard-working or dishonest-lazy or dishonest-hard-working? -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 19:43 8/7/2018
4 And to think this truth-seeking you just talked about suspiciously serves those 4 guessings. -Prev lines of messages were last edited around 12:00 to 13:00 8/6/2018
To understand thoughts in some way. Thoughts are formulas of combinations of electrical currents and chemicals. Written for myself to figure things with. -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 19:48 8/7/2018
Feel free to code any bit of me into video games in anyway. -Prev lines of messages were last edited around 14:32 1/13/2019
Realizing the truth and nature of anything and one may feel such things become more and more boring... -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 18:52 8/11/2018
My thoughts on those verbal audios of those Dutch vids I viewed at night 7/31/2018... Futuristic? -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 12:41 8/18/2018
Genes can be changed by doing the deeds of what one wants them to change into, over generations, for better or worse. -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 11:33 8/11/2018
Want to know how DXM&DPH&Clonidine overdose ****ed me up? I believe many if not all have got the idea already. -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 14:37 1/13/2019
The Incompetent usually try to compensate their incompetence at their underlings' sufferance or/and expenses. Also, dishonesty is to cover one's incompetence at some aspect of self as well as a sign of incompetence, I think. -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 0:35 8/10/2018
Lodging fee: Usually I prefer hotel to hospital for the nights when I'm OK. -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 18:52 8/11/2018
Hope my acceleration is adequate. I want to catch up with what I suppose to be, the one who wasn't much lied and swayed towards since his youth... -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 14:36 8/22/2018
About government: I think perfect government building should be transparent as could be. -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 17:54 8/12/2018
Some others are getting the full pictures from me while I am having only a portion of theirs. It tends to get exploited and manipulated. Written down for thoughts. -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 23:52 8/16/2018
Stimulated&stressed overtly, depressurize or suicide I shall learn to. My nervous system is too strong for me to conveniently overcome. -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 3:27 8/22/2018
Just follow fear and then words, illusions and noises can go on forever. -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 13:29 8/20/2018
You know, at my age like 28, the age range of girls in selection is nearly the best. Does this mean I'm gonna have my first do do in the near future, or is it just the illusions presented by those c
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ocktails I drunk? -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 2:57 8/22/2018
Think outside the box. A few truth flushed out early Aug 2018. I should try not to forget its merits in big and small pictures alike. -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 8:41 8/22/2018
Food safety: Suspicions and facts early Aug 2018 convinced me positively of food source concerns. H.Pylori re-infection for one example. Nothing against food industry. -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 3:55 8/22/2018
Yet what ideas&principles one collection of people upholds make them think outside the box comparing to those who don't? -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 8:42 8/22/2018
5 If everything I've been through is a simulation. Questions concerning my anonymity are easily explainable then: Program. -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 9:24 8/25/2018
5 Unresolved ideas come up again like: who/what coded it all? What's the programing language(s) used and who/what made that? -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 11:57 8/24/2018
Sore warriors. Joke and not. -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 12:43 8/24/2018
Radio Frequency. -Prev lines of messages were last edited at 13:31 9/5/2018
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Here. More shaits.
7/31/2018. Stressed a lot about scrupulous ppl keep fighting for their scrupulous goals, intended as my last words, thought I figured out my imminent death. Faintly remembers that I surrendered to the voices in my head and claimed so. Aug 1 - Aug 5 2018 GMT 8 Daily Dxm dph overdose and hangover before Aug 1st. Some clonidine. Sleep depravation. Short term memory haywire. Low cop(claimed to be the chief of the police station)'s attitude on the phone flip over in a day's time. One knee kneeled and apologized to an old manual laborer with made up ideas. "我找人打你啦; 我不让你在那酒厂工作啦" Low cop threatens while extorting things in my pockets. I was leaving. Convinced I was a vid game character and all sceneries happened several times already at that time(dxm overdose effects I bet), and doomed to have it again. Tried to end the looping by picking up marble to slit my throat. Low cop force me to go to restaurant with him and not letting me leave unless I surrender my offspring to him. Low cop spit in bottle of water and tried to make me drink it(latter memory unclear). "她(酒厂老板, 惡警的老婆, 我的雇主, 因没事做8/31 - 9/16/2017就自己来时带着什么离开带着什么不干了, 恶警极劝说留的我, 至7/30/2018)给没给你钱卜" Low cop says. From what looks like low cop receives instructions through phone of further exploits. Thought I earned that meal after leaving, didn't eat. Joyously smiled my way back to my apartment. Cheerfully shouting at everyone outside my window:" enjoy the sunshine!" However euphoria short-lived, dysphoria and confusions set in again. Eventually convinced of killing myself. Claiming myself loser for every sec I am. Slit my throat, slit my wrists, knife used wasn't sharp enough or something. Attempted dying of thirst under hot daylight outdoors. Walk under the sun 30 Celsius degree with short pants and slippers only. paid not-store-associate more for a bottled water from the store. Claiming never to frame others and just walk till death relieves me. While being baked, fighting mentally about the idea on which is dishonest, man or woman. Drunk unclean stream of water near the road. Fatigued and thirsty, lied face down on the remote road's edge for any merits I can reward myself with, hoping to die like that in the sun baking. A couple of guys came and blabbed, probably called police, later police(they seemed to be)came and moved me onto a van, asking questions, I had thoroughly enough of it all. I was moved to hospital I presume. They asked questions at every turn of the stretcher. "mother" later show up. Neck's sewn and patched up. Not sure if I became unconscious for some time or not. Attempted crawling out of window of high floor of hospital. God knows why my "parents" changed course of actions in my sight after my every guessing, I don't. Went to my apartment with "parents". Bid "parents" farewell and planned to finish myself off later.(Minds were out of my hands) Kneeled to "mother". Jerking off near "mother". Went to "parents"' apartment with "parents". The first time that I've seen "father" spat several times on the floor in "parents"' home(built and bought in the year 2000, as he claimed)("father" probably sold me two decades ago). Linking to myself the proverb of that lion and goat running in the morning thing. Bet my escape from my nightmare on this idea and ran to my apartment at next morning bare foot.
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Weighing pains of mothers giving birth. Ate the bandages on my throat. Attempted 69 with myself in a bathtub. Went outdoors southward with going straight to the oceanside in mind, bare foot. Fists, arms and bricks were hitting ruined brick wall to break it coz it's in my straight way to the ocean and its too tall for me to climb over, forfeit crossing the window next to the spot I was hitting since I was convinced I must stay pure and true as could be to the idea of moving a straight line southward to be able to reach the ocean by any unknown miracle. left some flesh wounds. "mother" and a bunch of cops shown up together somehow and stopped my slamming, then moved me to "parents" home. Claiming all for one and one for all. "mother" touch my wounds from time to time. Went to my apartment with "mother", she then remove items relating to memories of the written few days, came up usually when I was sorting confusions out. Went outside and earned 3 rmb by singing, by putting hand-sized speaker to my ear, believing that to be the advantage of my open-mind to offset the odds of no proper stereo for the job, It really was more like begging but using singing as excuse. Significant amount of cars from other places shown up in town, mainly those places(reading vehicle registration plate) not that far by wheels that I've been for some time. Finally common sense gained upper hand and ended my madness. Perhaps I was in drug induced psychosis. Throughout those days: Suspicious and paranoid extremely. Thirsty. Though had my "open-mind" in mind all the time. Linking the cause of the persistent dysphoria to anything but the forgotten drug overdose effects. Fighting all ideas, unable to differentiate what idea was real, due to the drug overdose and possible brain damage by it, which were absent in memory. Noticed the exploits from petty lives on my minds. There were a lot of those who would exploit and beset me those days, they gained meagre from it and I lost little and some honor and which sums up it. Perhaps I fuck up myself better OD at some scenery set like that cabin from Andy Lau's MV hehehehehehe, but then, will any grown Girlgirl save my arse if so? Oh you were your daddy's princess, in time perhaps you become my angel, or not either way.
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Self righteousness is laziness? Merits?
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And I feel like a village boy stayed on the farm for too long. So earthly, so not sexy.
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The truth behind that stage show company's a few rotten aspects, result is like, on lot of people's misguided or disease-ridden mentality. Yet another possible result is on this company's puppet master CCP I suspected.(Figuring through displays of ways and means of how they run their things)
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Every proper couple of days' stay nets me some ideas about myself that I didn't believe elsewhere before. 'Tis making the thought of this city special to me.
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Meditating in Suzu, and I learnt for myself:
12/31/2016 - 1/2/2017:
I am destined not an honest man, despite my strife to be honest.
5/19 - 5/21/2017:
Make money.
9/28 - 9/30/2018:
Some sexual fantasies on bed between me and my lover... This is getting interesting.
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Thinking, anyone receives my voice at anywhere any time. That renders the cost to receive my songs zero, unlike many other singers. Thus to earn a living off singing is unrealistic to myself.
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I realize that concerns towards my anonymity is irrelevant by now. So usually the more others' life I appreciate the less mine.
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