#5 hours of sleep is not working out for me

[hhappylliving]

Me right now. and for the last few weeks.

We're now at the end of week 5 of my sugar glider being sick. We've had 5 vet visits, 3 of which he's needed to be sedated, we had 1 surgery where he lost most of his penis because it's been outside of his body for 3 weeks now (its supposed to be inside his body) and the tips of it started to decay. 2 weeks ago he was like on the brink of death and I had to nurse him back to health, pushing fluids and anything lap-able that he would actually eat- because even genuinely half dead he was a picky eater. He's still swollen around his glands, his penis is still out so we've got lubricant from the vet to use (thicker and stickier than kyjelly that we've been using at home[because its the only like safe water based lubricant you can get in a store]). We're still doing meds 2 times a day, 2 different meds, and 1 med once a day. We put powdered probiotics in his nectar to make sure he doesnt get diarrhea from all the antibiotics/anti-inflammatories/pain meds. He's now forced to be separate from his brother, so I have our travel cage in front of our cage, propped up using my floor table. I give them supervised snuggle time in their pouch on me for as long as I can without losing too much sleep.

I'm tired and worried and on day's I work I come home to check on him to make sure he hasn't self-mutilated and to put more lubricant on him, and then to give him meds. I'm missing the time I have to get a good workout in, I usually go 3 times a week for AT LEAST 1.5 hours. My body absolutely requires exercise to feel baseline okay... I have not felt okay this last month. There have been so many tears shed and so much tired and grey.

[half-oz-eddie]

I didn’t know I wanted you (Until I couldn’t have you)

Part 4/5 (master list)

“Buck?” Eddie called out to a very distracted Buck. “Something wrong? You’ve been looking at your phone all night.”

“I-I’m always on my phone.” Buck nervously laughed.

“Sometimes…” Eddie nodded. “But not this much. Did you find a substack or something?”

“Uh…yeah.” Buck lied. “Just doing some deep diving.”

Eddie snickered in response, shaking his head. “Of course you did.”

Actually, Buck was checking his phone waiting to hear from Tommy about his date.

As the night went on and it was nearly midnight, Buck assumed the date went really well and Tommy took this mystery person home, or vice versa.

The following morning, Buck didn’t bother to text Tommy and told himself he’s probably sleeping in or spending time with his date.

When Tommy finally texted back, Buck unlocked his phone within seconds, eager to read the text.

He…? Not that Tommy needed to come out to Buck, because Buck’s cool. Totally cool. He’s an ally. He has queer friends. It shouldn’t even be a big deal that Tommy’s revealing this information to him.

Oh God I hope that didn’t sound too forward.

Tommy took Buck to a taco bar and Buck asked about his date, trying not to sound like he was prying for information.

Tommy’s responses were brief and vague.

Guy’s name is Edgar. He’s 42. Works in accounting. Loves the outdoors and mountain biking.

He sounds boring. Buck thought. But he liked all the stuff Tommy liked. He was even a trained pilot and he knew some Muay Thai.

Maybe he’s more interesting than me. Buck negatively thought.

“S-so you guys are gonna go hiking?”

“Yeah, I was thinking of taking him up the trail we went to. I know it pretty well and it seems like a great spot to go.”

Buck felt like his heart exploded in his chest. He felt like his soul was going to leave his body. Even death would have been kinder than this. “O-oh yeah? That’s cool. He’ll love it.” Buck forced out with a fake smile.

Tommy nodded. “Hope so.”

“Yeah, it’ll be pretty romantic. Especially if you end your hike by the picnic area an hour before sunset, when the sun is low and it creates this nice warm light. They-they call it the golden hour because the sun, it—it’s golden with a warm, reddish—“ Buck laughed to himself. “Sorry I know it’s your date, I-I was just—“

Tommy shot buck a fond smile. “I think that might be a little too romantic for a second date. We’re still getting to know each other.”

“Oh—ah—yeah. Y-you’re right.” Buck nervously chuckled. “I guess so.”

Sure, it was just the very beginning of their dating stage, but it felt like the end of the world for Buck, and he just couldn’t figure out why.

But boy, did it hurt like hell.

A week later, Buck found himself complaining to Eddie and Maddie in a separate group chat he’d created for just the three of them.

Buck realized he was starting to sound a bit insane and deleted the entire message.

He didn't want to say that either. He didn't agree with Maddie. She wasn't wrong, she just didn't understand the sort of...friendship they had.

Buck glared at his barrages of texts, hoping he didn’t sound too eager or too annoying.

Buck put on one of his best shirts and threw on his apron and immediately started prepping for dinner. He was so excited to finally see Tommy again and cheer him up that he couldn’t stop smiling.

He rented Love, Actually to stream, curated a playlist of some of Tommy’s favorite songs, and even mixed up some boxed cake mix.

He didn’t have any frosting, so he hoped strawberry preserves would do.

He wanted this evening to be perfect for Tommy, so he could forget all about the cheating bastard that wasted his time and possibly broke his heart.

The thought of Tommy having a broken heart nearly shattered his own. He needed to fix it. He needed to let him know that he would always be there for Tommy, like Tommy was there for him.

Buck texted Tommy to let him know the door was unlocked for him.

Tommy welcomed himself into Buck’s apartment. Buck looked up from the counter, a wide ecstatic smile painted on his face.

“Smells amazing in here.”

“I hope so. I’m just throwing a few things together. It won’t be perfect but—“

“It’ll be perfect. It was more than I could’ve asked for. Thank you for all of this.”

Tommy’s eyes fell onto the cake on the counter. “You even baked a cake?”

“Uh yeah, but I don’t have any frosting. I hope strawberry preserves are—“

Buck glanced over at Tommy as he was helping himself to a slice of cake, slathering the strawberry preserves on top.

Tommy shoved a generous helping into his mouth, glancing up at Buck with wide eyes. “Sorry. Did you want me to wait until after dinner?”

Buck laughed, shaking his head. “It’s fine. Whatever you want.”

“It’s good cake.”

“It’s just from a box. I adjusted the recipe a little bit to make the cake more moist and flavorful—“

“It worked. This is delicious.”

“Good. I’m glad.”

They sat down and ate dinner, laughed and caught up on daily life outside of Gerrard and definitely outside of Edgar.

They watched Love, Actually and finished off the night with some beers.

“You’re right, Tommy. This is some really good beer.”

“Mhm. I told you.” Tommy paused to finish his beer. “Thank you again, Evan. Tonight was…really fun.” He smiled. “Really helped take my mind off—“

“You don’t have to think about him, Tommy. I’m here for you. You don’t have to feel alone.” Buck realized how strange his statement may have sounded. “You’ve also got all our friends at the 118 too.”

Tommy nodded with a small smirk. “I know.”

There was something odd about the sound of Tommy’s voice. Perhaps he was looking for something more. Something Buck just couldn’t give him.

But Buck, somehow, still wished he could give him everything.

[docholligay]

So, the true and glorious story of my own failure in the face of knowing how my own body works, despite having lived in it for 38 years.

Last night, I expected to be at least moderately on edge. I pretty reasonably decide that I would be better served to fall asleep and find out what life looks likein the morning. i'm not young any more (my wife worked for the Kerry campaign, I've been volunteering politically since the first Obama campaign. To date ourselves) and so, i don't stay up for results anymore.

Very reasonable.

So I take a pot pill. Great. i take it about two hours before i want it to hit.

I make the mistake of checking the results right before I head to bed, and while everyone is embroiled in hope, I see that I was exactly right about my initial impressions, months ago. That i got in trouble for! Anyhow.

Anxious, i go, "I gotta take something else" I have a bottle of .5 mg pills of lorezapam I've had for a decade, and I take one.

A pot pill, for me, is a quarter of a gummy. That's 2.5 mg. You may notice that between the two of these things, the dosages are very small. This is because my brain is wired bizarrely, and some things have a tendency to hit me harder than they do normal people. I know this. I know this!

Neither of these things have ever caused me any unusual symptoms. I just go to sleep.

But I am stupid. i have never met me, apparently. This body is new to me! I combine them.

My brain is so fucked that I have to do a patch test any time I try a new drug like I am VINTAGE CHINESE SILK. I know this, very well. That very night, I told Mike and Teddy I wasn't really going to drink because pot and alcohol can make me go full, "The Senate is lying to us!" So I know I have to watch it with combining stuff.

And y'all know me! I am not a teetotaler! I have sampled many fine drugs over the course of my existence. DARE made me think, "Wow that sounds cool." I am not a square. I am not suggesting straightedge behavior. This song did not work on me.

So I, forgetting the very makeup of my body, take this tiny, ridiculous lorazepam on top of my pot pill. It is the dosage my wife gives a twenty pound dog. it is a thing I have taken before.

But not together.

I crawl into bed, and I begin to get sleepy. Fantastic.

I roll over.

Oh. No.

My skin is alive, all of a sudden. I can feel every inch of it beneath the covers, where it touches on each individual wrinkle of the comforter.

"fuuuuuuck." I whisper between gritted teeth. Because, you see, I've done this to myself before. Not with this specific combination, but I have mixed things before, or just taken things, that make me aggressively aware of my surroundings. I am SO AWARE. There's nothing to do, once it reaches this point.

I have to wait it out. I pull myself up, and thump my twenty pound blanket on top of my body--which does help--and spend the next five hours riding each wave of hyperawareness, breathing through it, because it will end, like most hard things, and I am trying not to laugh at myself while it's happening. I know better! I know better!!

Finally it does wear off a bit, in just enough time for me to realize that I was right all along and the election has not gone my way.

38 years and I've learned nothing.

[specific-dreamer]

darry dropping pony off at college

they were both really excited.

darry’s brainiac baby brother is going to college and he couldn’t be prouder of him because he understands how hard it was for pony to get this far.

and pony’s really excited because he’s finally leaving tulsa (on his terms) he’s doesn’t feel guilty for wanting to leave or anything neither bc he’s only like two hours away (bet ur ass he goes to darry’s college)

as a gag gift, because soda was worried he might have nightmares from sleeping away from home (darry had nightmares his first night on campus and soda overheard his parents talking abt it. this is canon), steve and two-bit get ponyboy a stuffed horse and print out a picture of soda’s face and tapes it to the horses head

(ponyboy takes the photo off and frames it. its the only photo he has out to the general public. it’s a great conversation starter though.

“who’s that?”

“my brother, sodapop”

“oh… i’m so sorry for your loss, when did he pass?”

“when did he-? oh, no he’s not dead. he’s just my favorite 😅”)

i strayed so far from the plot good heavens

ANYWAYS

the entire their unpacking all darry hears is, “darry do you know them? darry why do they keep looking at me like that? darry was that you’re teacher? do you like them, should i have taken him instead?”

mans does not get a second of peace. it’s been like four years, his friends have likely been graduated and there’s no chance in hell he remembers his teachers faces.

but as frustrating as it is, it is cute that pony keeps asking questions because it reminds him of when they were little and all pony would do was ask why

darry and the gang plan to leave well before sunset so they can make it home in time for everyone to get enough sleep b4 work the next day

steve in all his glory tells pony if he cries tn because he misses home it’s okay, he won’t even make fun of him, but pony, in all his glory, says he ain’t gon cry bc he’s not a kid

he hugs soda and darry extra tight when they do leave (at the tail end of sunset. southern mfs i swear) and pony makes them promise to call him when they get home

night falls and all the day’s excitement is gone.

pony? never been away from home on his own. it hadn’t hit him until he’s getting ready for bed that’s he in college. until then it felt like an away trip but when he wakes up he’ll be at home. he’s not having a great time, he misses his brothers

but there’s no pay phone in his room or his end of the hall so he has to go all the way to the lounge to call home

soda answers the phone and he’s real happy to hear his voice bc he had already started missing pony something fierce too. but sodas a creature of habit and only manages to talk to pony for 5 minutes before he’s yawning and has to go to bed

when darry gets on the phone pony is this close to just bursting into tears because he wants to go home

darry somehow knows. can hear it in the quiver of pony’s voice and asks if he wants to just talk for a while regardless of how the phone bill would be that month

pony is over the moon and says yes ofc. darry has to grab the recliner so he can at least sit comfortably because ponyboy could yap his freaking ear off

they end up talking for like 30 more minutes before both of them nod off.

darry’s stretched out on the recliner and the phones dangling off the wall

pony’s curled against the wall underneath the pay phone with his blanket around him and the phone still tight in his hand

it’s smooth sailings after that.

ponyboy wakes up to about three upperclassmen girls and one other boy staring and talking about him and one of the girls snaps a photo with her (new) polaroid. pony’s instantly ready to be on defense but they literally do not care and despite his best lies he’s obvious he was on the phone with family and they find that really endearing and immediately force him under their wing

darry’s wakes up to soda putting the phone up and making breakfast. darry’s feeling a little bittersweet but in all he’s really happy that he could be of any help to pony because he was def getting a little worried

[homestuck--edits]

hii hii ok can ii get uhhhhh thii2 panel

wiith the2e 2priite2

dave beiing feferii

egbert beiing 2ollux

and karkat beiing gamzee

ok thankyou yahoo

-Mod Becsprite

[deoidesign]

Thinking about vampires, death, life, and the space they occupy in between

[dustykneed]

not a SINGLE day goes by where i don't think about that post with the photo of andrew's death grip on alex's waist. you know the one

(i have, regrettably, once again, lost the damn post. if anyone has any clue as to its whereabouts i would be much obliged if you could drop the link lol. but at the very least i had the presence of mind to download the photo so here yall go xDD:

[taitavva]

NEVER GO HOME, DON'T SLEEP, DON'T EAT JUST DO IT ON REPEAT, KEEP?

[365 - Charli XCX / alt vers under cut]

[shepscapades]

Um. Ok. Still reeling from the fact that bbno$ is canon in your universe and produces music. What

(Also I loooove your dbhc au!!!!)

bbno$ is also a hermitcraft watcher I would know we’re super tight

[icewindandboringhorror]

Some (late) holiday photos of the boye~!

[scrawlingskribbles]

not me blearily waking up at 5:30am almost in tears bc I had a dream that Ian had apparently been making more little OK KO shorts on the side and the utter joy I was feeling as dream!me was scrambling to find & watch them only to wake up before I could........ :((((

[permanentreverie]

if nobody’s got me i know a large vanilla latte got me can i get an amen

[jackgarlond]

hmmm I do not see how I'm going to be able to make it to 26

[britneyshakespeare]

screw whatever else i've said; the most important thing you can do in this lifetime is watch tv

[miodiodavinci]

the burnout is real lads . . . . .

[deletingmyself]