#5 Plants You Won’T Believe Actually Exists

[yakumtsaki]

To the surprise of no one, Liz and Sophito immediately dumped their baby so they could bang 5 minutes after Liz gave birth. Thankfully we have Sophie, who remains the only competent adult this family has ever seen.

-Felina baby, I don’t want you to worry, I’ll love you even if you end up inheriting Liz’s horrible Frances Worthington eyebrows! -Goo goo! 

It’s time for the pets to get to work procreating, because the lot isn’t nearly laggy enough as it is. 

-Ok Kitana, it’s time to have kittens with Klaus! -’Klaus’, more like Cucklaus! I hate him! -I know you do baby, I hated Cyneswith too but I still did my duty! -And produced SUGAR.  -I promise you your kittens won’t be like Sugar! -Well if they are I’m giving them to the wolf! 

Preggo chimes on the first try, great job bbs!

-Ya great job, Cucklaus, round-headed asshole. -Go to hell, Shitana, I can’t believe I’m wasting my genes on you.

Ok then, let’s move on to the dogs!

I’m shocked to say I’ve finally discovered something Don is good at: getting pets to knock each other up.

-So what do you think, Servilia, wanna have some puppies? -I don’t know, Don, Xander is so hot but what if our kids turn out like Sugar?? -They won’t, baby, Sugar was a freak accident!

First try again, and Servilia and Xander actually really like each other❤️

-Xander! Xander you big stud, come in here and do me again!  -I will babe, let me just catch my breath, you’re a whole lotta woman!

Ya ok gross, going for more of a puppy love vibe here, guys- 

-Then look no further than us! I’m pregnant again!  -That’s right, I knocked her up before the umbilical cord was even cut! 

WHAT. That’s it, I’m turning autonomous woohoo off, you two are gonna drown me in babies, we’re having 2 and that’s it, the lot lag is UNREAL..

..in no small part because of this goddamn wolf-attracting forest I had to plant.

-Are you seriously gonna keep deleting and replacing this thing every night?

Well the fucking wolf has left us no choice now, has he? HAS HE.

-I worry that you’re going a little Captain Ahab over the wolf.

What nonsense, I’m completely sane! Now you sit there and don’t move till the sun sets again in 12 hours, and I’m not moving either, I don’t care if the entire household dies in the meantime.  

HERE HE IS. Alright, asshole, your relationship is at 100/100, NOW BITE HIM

-OH MY, THOSE BONY FINGERS LOOK EXTRA DELICIOUS TONIGHT🐺

THEY DO, NOW DO IT. BITE HIM. B I T E H I M

-NO, I DON’T THINK I WILL! GOODNIGHT, FLOPS🐺

YOU MOTHERFUCKER SON OF A BITCH OH MY GOD I HATE YOU SO MUCH I’M 

-Oh moonflower, isn’t it so nice to reconnect now that autonomous woohoo has been disabled? We can finally really talk about our relationship and not just bury our problems under passionate geriatric woohooing!  -You’re so right, Donnie, this is the best time ever, now let me just go check if iVan needs a late night tune up🌸

GUESS WHO BARGED IN HERE AGAIN TRYING TO GET HIS FIRST KISS. AIDEN ENOUGH. ENOUGHHH

-I’LL SHOW UP EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE REST OF CYNESWITH’S LIFE UNTIL SHE KISSES ME, I DON’T CARE HOW MANY FIGHTS IT CAUSES

Ok you know what?? Between the lag, psycho Aiden, and the worst digital animal to ever exist, I have officially HAD IT. Tonight I’m solving 2 out of 3 of those problems!!! 

-Aaaaaiden! Get over here buddy, it’s time for your first kiss! 

-You’re not Cyneswith! 

Ya sorry Aiden the Cyneswith kiss ain’t happening but don’t worry, I found you Clarabelle here who is very willing!

-Hmmm! Well, that’s an interesting perfume..

-Wow Clarabelle, you know, despite being half-cow half-plant, you really are beautiful in your own way.. Very striking.. I love your teeth..

Why don’t you get a little closer Aiden, our Clarabelle is shy!

-Oh that’s sweet, she’s demure! Nothing like that slut Cyneswith! 

You can say that again!

GOODBYE AIDEN. FUCKING LUNATIC

Ugh his stupid glasses upset her stomach! Poor bb.

-Good girl, Clarabelle.. I’m glad I got one last murder with you💜

-And now, to prolong my life for one more wolf party.. At least Aiden died for a good cause! 

Ya the same cause Sandy died for THE FIRST TIME. THAT’S HOW LONG WE’VE BEEN AT THIS WOLF SHIT

-YES. YEEEEEEEES THE POWER OF YOUTH AND NEON FABRICS COURSES THROUGH MY VEINS

Alright, Jojo, this is it. Tonight IT ENDS

WELL HELLO, FUCKER. Bet you didn’t expect us waiting for you western duel style, did you!!! Now why don’t you step into our yard in this new beautiful fenced area we built, don’t worry it has a door! Just follow Jojo in..

..HA. I TRAPPED YOU, ASSHOLE!!! DOOR DELETED!!!! THERE’S NO ESCAPE

-UGH FINE, I’M BORED OF TORTURING YOU ANYWAY. HERE YOU GO, JOJO, YOU’RE BITTEN🐺

Is it happening?????

IT’S HAPPENING. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

OH MY GOD THIS WEREWOLF DEFAULT DOESN’T SUIT JOJO AT ALL

IT’S OVERRRRRRRRRRR. I CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE ALL THIS HAPPENED FOR 5K POINTS BUT WHATEVER. IT’S DONE. NEVER AGAINNNNNN

iVan wants to become a werewolf too, which LOL, so here you go, iVan, you’re a robowolf or whatever the fuck now! 

-𝙰𝚆𝙾𝙾𝙾𝙾𝙾𝙾𝙾𝙾. 𝙸𝚂𝙽'𝚃 𝚃𝙷𝙸𝚂 𝙵𝚄𝙽, 𝙹𝙾𝙹𝙾? -Yes yes, it is..

And here you go, Jojo, I deleted the cute default so you can have a proper menacing appearance! 

-Thanks..

What is it? 

-You know, I’m not totally sure being a werewolf is for me after all..

What.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

KILL ME

[luca-he-they-chaosboyyy]

Me- * tries to explain to person my current hyper fixation.* (Which is researching and formulating my own ideas, and opinions on the economy and the system of money and belongings and how the system was built to keep people broke so the rich become richer, basically feeding off the poor like vampires. Like how society was built to thinking if you don’t get an education and go to college than you have no other choice to do a 9 to 5 job bc anything else would require lots of money you don’t have and talent you don’t believe you have. And how college was built to pull money out of people even farther by putting young people in debt bc they don’t know any other way. Oh and the idea people put in everyones heads that if you don’t get an education and college then your less than and stupid and you’ll do nothing with your life. And 9 to 5’s are pointless because they destroy your mental and physical well being because nobody there actually cares about you, they can fire you on spot and you would have to quickly find another 9 to 5 if possible. Also even though your putting your full effort and exhausting your physical and mental health, a lot of times it’s still not enough to make a living, because there really not paying you enough. But now you ether have to pay for medications for your physical pain and your fuqed up mental health and go to therapy or “toughen up” and ignore your mental health, get a 2nd job further messing up your mental and physical health. Then there’s if you really mess up your physical health you might have to get surgery or just be stuck in constant pain, and if you can’t afford the meds well your screwed. And how society has put in your head all these things you “need” but really there convinces or you just don’t need them at all. Which puts it where your paying more, renting more, ect. Like solar panels would save a shit ton of money if you can even afford a house. Bc apartments aren’t going to do it, it’s a part of the system. And if you really think about it, all those house/apartment bills your paying for rn can be replaced with building your own systems of heating, lighting, water system, ect. Yeah it would take time, a little bit of money, but it would be worth it once you no longer have to pay those bills. And with some creativity, those cost to make those systems can be next to nothing. And how I could really build my own home and get my own food by planting, growing my own food. And I’m a vegetarian so I won’t have to worry about the “not so good parts” about getting your own food. And while doing all of this, I can sell food and make things to sell online to be making money. The only cost I can think of to pay for is insurance, Wi-Fi and phone service, everything else is escapable. And while doing all of this I can make a savings account and go into investing and stocks so I’d be making alot more money than I’d be spending overall. Making the economy work for me, instead of me working for the economy. Because life wasn’t always like this. We didn’t always have electricity, air conditioning, heating, washers and dryers, ect, ect. And this thing that we call money, that is paper with a presidents face on it that controls the system, society and economy, the thing that has SO much value didn’t always exist ether. It’s a form of control. It’s a part of the system too. There was a point in time In which everyone worked for themselves. BUT it’s finding the right way to do it that, that stupid little piece of paper can’t control you. And even if you don’t want to live like that forever, you have less now so you can have more later. Because people lived without all these extra things before, why can’t you now? I could go on even more about this for days. This is only a small portion.)

Person- Everyone knows this. You seem to have a very negative view of things. Why not be positive?

Me- If everyone knew this, it wouldn’t be a system and I don’t think would have 9 to 5 jobs. And it’s not really negative, it’s how it is. Even if it was, yin and Yang. A balance between positive and negative, you can’t have one without the other. Like unfortunately you can’t have love and happiness without heartbreak and pain. Like if you had all the love in the world, your family loved you, no problems, you had a loving partner right off the bat that treated you right, well you’d take it for granted. You don’t know lack of love, so you don’t appreciate it bc you’ve never not had it. And you can’t constantly be happy bc it’s not possible, bad things happen, it’s apart of life. We are human, we have emotions, we get hurt. If you cover up those problems with positivity, well that’s toxic positivity. Your not fixing the problem so it will build till you explode. Constantly positive, never negative is basically putting a mask on with a smile painted on it while your hurting but you insist your not, that everything is okay, everything is amazing. And without negativity, positivity can’t exist. Think of it like this, it’s kind of like being nose blind to a smell. You get used to smelling it for so long that you can’t smell it anymore. So if you feel happiness for so long, it’s no longer happiness, it’ll fade into calm, then into numbness. Like when something makes you happy, you feel a shift in your emotions, you feel good, bc before you didn’t feel entirely happy. You felt some sort of other emotion. Emotions wouldn’t exist without alllll emotions. Positive and negative. And if I just covered everything up with “positivity” just said everything is going to work out without fixing the problems, trying to figure out the problems to fix and working on those issues, well I’d end up homeless on the streets. I’ll stick with my yin and Yang. I just won’t talk about my expression of yin and Yang with you anymore. If someone isn’t there with you through the negative, don’t let them be with you through the positive. They can’t have one. If your going to be with me, your going to be with all of me. Because I’m human, just like you. Just you have a mask on. One I can see straight through.

Person- it’s people’s choices. And there convinces, people need them. And you can just be happy, it’s a choice. That’s wrong. Just be positive.

Me-*gives up bc this is now pointless, nothing will be able to explain how this mindset is destructive to yourself and others.*

(Based on true story, not exact. And I’m not leaving this person bc this person is from a different generation so set with different mindsets and beliefs instilled into them by society that’s not easy to brake even if the person wanted to. Bc questioning everything you’ve ever known isn’t easy. The person means well, and is a good person just society/system sucks ass.)

[flower-of-zaun]

Silco with a Witch/Wizard Significant Other

Silco wants to get ahead of Piltover with their HexTech. Shimmer has its own magic like qualities but is still unstable.

He finds them deep in the undercity, hearing rumors of mage that heals people, even bringing someone back from the dead after a mining accident.

He’s actually well read on the history of mages. Thinks a lot of them were demonized. Political things, such as war, aren’t always black and white.

Understand why they are so timid and scared. Not because he’s a crime lord, but because they will be hunted if anyone topside finds out they exist.

Gains their trust slowly, never pushing them or threatening them…but he thinks they are very sweet and endearing.

Mage is VERY awkward. Always hiding in their robe. Has a cute little stutter at first.

While trying to earn their trust, he buys them rare herbs and books to help heal people. Banned books are something Silco is fond of, so he has an extensive collection he’s willing to let them borrow.

On off days he goes down and watches them work, finding their cluttered little workshop so quaint and relaxing. Mage finally showed their face one day, Silco found them to be absolutely stunning.

When they finally decide to work with Silco, he provides a wonderful workspace/home filled with EVERYTHING they could imagine. Books, plants, and all sorts of supplies.

They work with Singed a lot. They don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things, but they never raise their voices and argue. They both try and see it from their point of view. Best believe there’s name calling tho. Y’all make some SICK shimmer tho.

While they are working one day, Silco finally asks them to dinner. They’ve never been on a date before, they are shocked and confused but say yes.

Silco takes them to a quiet dinner, some where private because he knows they deal with anxiety if too many people are around. He does too and enjoys getting to know them more.

They really hit it off. They share a quick kiss at the end of the night, leaving the mage blushing uncontrollably. More dates happen, the both of them enjoy time together.

The mage isn’t that touchy, always pulling away from Silco’s affection. Kisses are quick. They always hide under their cloak and hair. Silco’s seen their face and thinks they are beautiful so he doesn’t understand what’s wrong.

Finally the mage pulls him into the workshop, closing all the doors and windows. They take off the cloak to reveal their body, tattooed in runes. They seem to almost glow.

They explain they had to hide from people for so long and hide under layers of clothing, they freak out when feeling any sort of touch. Silco understand and let’s them initiate any type of affection. If he does want to touch them, he asks first.

Silco surprises them with clothes that cover their tattoos, so they don’t have to hide in that big ass cloak anymore. He does find a beautiful, huge hooded cowl they can wear, knowing that’s what made them feel safe. The mage loves it, they feel…normal.

“You don’t have to hide anymore, I’ll keep you safe. I won’t let them hurt you.”

They finally feel comfortable enough to do magic around Silco. Making things float over to him when he needs it, summoning fire from their finger tips to light his cigars, soothing his eye pain.

Does cute little magic tricks for Jinx. Filling the room with bubbles, making things disappear, and creating beautiful illusions.

Silco has seen how TERRIFYINGLY POWERFUL this small little mage is. It’s nothing like the books he’s read or the paintings he’s seen. How are you so small and so…dangerous?

Then he remembers his daughter is 5’ foot and pure chaos.

He loves buying his “little mage” new plants all the time. Their face lights up and they actually take their hood off for a bit to get a better look at it.

They read together all the time.

He could listen to them talk about a new spell for HOURS and never get sick of it.

The mage has made many protective items for Silco and Sevika to wear. The inside of Silco’s coat is adorned with runes, hand stitched, if anyone tries to stab him, the blade will shatter.

Their hate for Piltover has bonded them for life.

They both hate Jayce with a passion.

Silco hates when they have a gut feeling about something, because they are always right.

Mage is his most valuable asset but also…becomes a big part of his heart

If you’d like to use this idea, please credit me

[xiutingmyself]

Best Friend of my FWB pt. 8 (Finale)

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader, Jimin x Reader

Genre: series, a little angsty, smut, fluff, fake dating au

Word Count: 3,740

Warnings: there’s only sexual references but no actual smut, and there’s some cursing and threats of violence lol

Summary: You and Jimin have been friends with benefits for a while. Because of that, you’ve met his best friend Jungkook on several occasions. Some of those moments were not so appropriate. But your not-so-existent relationship with Jungkook changes when you work at the same place as him and have to pretend to be his girlfriend.

A/N: I cannot believe I’m finally finishing this series! This is the first series I have ever finished. Thank you so much to everyone who reads my work and send me so much kind words of encouragement. I will be continuing my other series and writing new ones. And there are things in the works hehe . . .

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8

Taglist: @erraaxh @bunnybearrj @aretha170​ @namjooningelsewhere​

Part 8

The door bell rings, causing you to dash across the living room. Your first guests have arrived. You open the door to be met by a giddy Seolhyun and a smiling Namjoon.

“Happy house warming,” Seolhyun says as she pulls you in for a hug. “We got you a plant for your new apartment.”

After Seolhyun let’s you go from her strong embrace, you open the door wider to let them in. Namjoon stops in front of you to hand you the plant.

“Oh my god, I love aloe!” you say excitedly.

“Seolhyun picked it out,” says Namjoon.

“But he helped,” she chimes in as she wraps her arms against his forearm.

You smile at the happy couple as you look for a place to put your plant.

As one can see, Seolhyun and Namjoon are dating. Unbeknownst to you initially, after Jimin’s after party where Seolhyun stormed out, Namjoon went after her. He remembered that you were her ride and assumed Seolhyun didn’t have a way home, so he caught up to her to take her home. It was initially out of pity (and because Namjoon is a gentleman), but this led to Namjoon coming over to Seolhyun’s place and comforting her. That led to chatting and next thing you know, they had stayed up all night in each other’s company. Their romance started then.

You decide to place your aloe plant by the window, so it can get proper sunlight.

“Where’s Jungkook?” asks Namjoon.

“He’s still getting ready. Such a diva,” you shake your head.

Namjoon chuckles at your comment when the door bell rings again. You rush over and open the door to see Taehyung and Jimin holding two big boxes.

You step aside to let them in. “Hey,” says Taehyung, voice strained.

“Hey,” you say with a hint of concern in your voice. “Do you guys need help with that?”

“Nah, we’ll just set it down right here,” says Jimin as he places the box in the corner.

“What’s in the boxes?” asks Seolhyun.

“I bought them toilet paper,” says Jimin.

“And I got them tooth paste,” says a slightly breathless Taehyung. “I did not think this through when I bought it.”

You all laugh. “Thanks guys, I appreciate the toilet paper, and, uh, tooth paste,” you say slightly confused.

“These are living essentials,” says Taehyung. “You won’t have to buy toilet paper and tooth paste for months now.”

“And besides, we thought it would be better to give you things you would actually use,” says Jimin.

“Yeah, you’ll thank me later when you won’t have to kiss Jungkook’s nasty ass morning breath,” says Taehyung. “I got you guys the good shit.”

“Who are you calling nasty ass morning breath, Mr. I-sometimes-forget-to-shower-for-days?” says Jungkook as he approaches the group and puts his arm around your shoulders.

“Hey! I told you that in confidence,” exclaims Taehyung as everyone laughs.

“Well, we’re still very grateful, right Kookie?” you say as you turn to Jungkook.

He kisses the top of your head before saying, “yeah we appreciate it guys. You honestly didn’t need to get us anything.”

“How could we not?” says Seolhyun. “It’s your first apartment together. You’re the first ones in our group to move in together.”

“Hey! Did you all forget me and Jungkook used to be roommates in college,” says Jimin.

“That doesn’t count,” says Namjoon. “You didn’t actually paying rent together.”

“What are you talking about,” says an annoyed Jimin. “Do you know how much room and board costs?”

“You have a point,” says Namjoon.

“But still,” interjects Seolhyun. “That’s different. You’re not sleeping next to him in the same bed.”

“We slept with the same girl. Does that count?” says Jimin.

“No, it doesn’t count,” says Jungkook, pulling you into a protective embrace. “Besides, it seemed like I barely lived there since you kept bringing girls over almost every night. I basically lived on Namjoon’s couch.”

Jimin was about to retort again when the door bell rang again. “I’ll get it,” you say as you remove yourself from Jungkook’s embrace.

You open the door to welcome Jin and Mina in. “Hey, everyone’s already here.”

“We always come late to everything,” laughs Jin.

“We brought wine,” says Mina as she hands you the two bottles.

“Thanks, I’ll put them in the fridge to chill.”

Oh yeah, another thing. The day of the big company dinner, Mina saw you and Jungkook slow dancing and noticed the love in both of your eyes every time you looked at each other that she finally decided it was time to let go of Jungkook. She knew that she officially didn’t stand a chance against you. She’s never seen Jungkook so smitten, even with his previous girlfriends in college (which didn’t last long because Mina would scare them off). But you weren’t easily scared, which threw Mina off. And she saw time after time, that Jungkook chose you. This dinner just solidified it. Mina decided to get up and leave, nobody noticing, but Jin of course.

When Jin drove her home, she sighed and told him her realization. “I think it’s time I get over Jungkook.”

Jin almost forgot to hit the break at the red light, causing his tired to screech.

“What?” says Jin dumbfounded. “Really?”

“Yeah,” sighs Mina. “It’s obvious that he only has eyes for Y/N and I don’t see there being a potential chance for me. I’m just tired of fighting a losing battle. It’s time to move on.”

Jin blinks, not knowing what to say. He’s taken out of his daze when he hears the cars behind him honk, not realizing the light turned green.

“Well, I’m here to support you with whatever you need,” says Jin as he continues driving toward Mina’s house. “I just want to see you happy.”

Mina gives Jin a small smile, even if he couldn’t see because he’s facing the road. “Thanks.”

In all honesty, it took a while for Mina to officially get over Jungkook. It took a lot of crying, a lot of movie watching, a lot of dismissing herself from his presence. But Jin was always there for her. And she took note of that.

She eventually got to a point where she could be in the presence of both of you, and not want to bite your head off. She felt proud, she didn’t think she could get to this point. Now when she looks at Jungkook, she feels nothing. And it’s honestly thanks to Jin.

One day, Jin randomly came over to Mina’s place with candy.

“Hey, I walked past the new candy store near my place and saw they had those strawberry candies you were obsessed with when you visited Singapore,” says Jin as he hands them to Mina. “I know you were bummed when you couldn’t find them here, so I had to jump at the chance once I saw them.”

Mina was frozen in place with the candy in her hands. Jin had already stepped into her place and started making himself at home. “Mina?” calls Jin. “Are you okay?”

Mina shakes her head and laughs. “Yeah sorry. I just- I can’t believe you remembered that. I told you this like 3 years ago.”

Jin shrugs nonchalantly. “Of course I remember. You were so happy when you had them.”

Mina’s heart skipped a beat at the realization that Jin has been really attentive to her for years. He really did mean it when he said he wants to see her happy. Mina realized that no one made her feel as loved and supported as Jin did.

One day, she walked into Jin’s office with a stride in her step.

“Hey, I was about to text you,” starts Jin standing by his book shelf. “I was going to-“

He’s immediately interrupted with Mina’s lips on his. He’s completely shocked at this sudden interaction, not knowing what to do. Mina suddenly backs away and blinks.

“Sorry, I felt like I had to do that,” she says nonchalantly.

“Uhhh, no need to apologize,” says an awkward Jin.

“I like you Jin,” she says confidently. “And I know you like me too.”

“I-I do,” admits Jin.

“Then why didn’t you say anything?” Mina asks a little frustrated.

“Because I knew you only had eyes for Jungkook. I didn’t think I had a chance.”

Mina nods in understanding, feeling guilty for making Jin witness her pursuit toward another guy.

“And as long as you were happy and by my side, that’s all that mattered,” said Jin.

“Well I’m over Jungkook now. So what are you going to do about it?” she says with a teasing raised eyebrow.

Jin smiles as he takes her hand and pulls her in slowly until they were chest to chest. He then places a hand on her waist. “Will you go out with me?” he asks sweetly.

“I thought you’d never ask,” Mina says as they both lean in for a kiss.

After Mina and Jin had secretly been dating for a while, Mina decided to come by your office one day.

You hear a knock at your door. “Come in,” you say, eyes still looking down at your paper work.

You hear the door open and are shocked to see Mina standing in front of you.

“Mina,” you say a little surprised. “Come in, take a seat.”

Mina walks to the chair in front of you and sits timidly. “Thanks.”

You close your file and put down your pen so you can give her your undivided attention. “So . . . did you need something?”

Mina inhales deeply before speaking. “I want to apologize to you, for everything I’ve done since I met you. You didn’t deserve any of it. And I realize now how psychotic and childish that was of me to behave that way, and especially taking it out on you when you’ve been nothing but generous. I feel like a complete asshole and I sincerely apologize.”

You’re shocked to hear her say these things. You never thought this would ever happen in your lifetime. You sigh before smiling. “I forgive you. And I’m happy you came to talk to me. It takes a lot of balls to come here and take accountability like that.”

“Oh trust me, I was shitting myself before coming here,” chuckles Mina. “I was pacing in front of your office for like 5 minutes before coming in.”

You laugh as well.

And Mina continues. “And I want to add that I think you and Jungkook genuinely make a good couple. I can see how much he really cares for you.”

“I guess I also owe you an apology,” you state. “At that party where we met, I wasn’t actually dating Jungkook then. I actually barely knew him. But he asked me to pretend to date him so he could let you down easy. I only agreed because I didn’t think I would run into you ever again only to find out you work here too. It all became a bit of a mess and I’m sorry that we fell out.”

Mina blinks, not knowing what to say. “Wow. Well you were really good at pretending,” she says laughing awkwardly.

“Thanks. To be honest, I think I was falling in love with Jungkook in the process, so it wasn’t that hard to pretend. But we’re actually dating now. Sorry about that too.”

Mina shakes her head. “Don’t be. Honestly, I never stood a chance with Jungkook whether you were in the picture or not. And I have finally come to terms with that. Also, if it wasn’t for you to catalyze this whole thing, I wouldn’t have ended up with Jin.”

“Oh my god, you’re dating Jin?! That’s amazing! He’s been in love with you for as long as I can remember.”

Mina laughs. “Yeah apparently everyone knew but me. I guess because my eyes were always on Jungkook that I almost overlooked the best thing that could have walked into my life.”

You smile. “Well I’m glad you’re happy. You two make a great duo.”

“Thanks,” says a shy Mina. “Well I better get going. I have a lot of work left to do.”

“Yeah I get it. Thanks for stopping by.”

“Thanks for listening and not punching me,” Mina laughs.

You laugh as well. “I would never. Except that one time I punched Jin. I’ll apologize to him later.”

Mina laughs as she closes your door. That was easier than she thought. She didn’t expect you to forgive her so quickly. Especially after you endured several months of torture from her. She can see why people really like you, especially Jungkook.

She was still a bit surprised to hear that your relationship with Jungkook was initially fake, but at the end of the day, the heart wants what it wants and you still ended up together.

Later that day, Mina went to apologize to Jungkook as well and told him that she will no longer pursue him. He was a little apprehensive at first, not knowing whether to believe her or not, and she doesn’t blame him. She has been pursuing him for years. But he eventually came around after talking to you about it.

“I don’t know, it just seems so sudden,” says Jungkook, laying his head on your lap as you both watch TV on your couch. “And this isn’t the first time she’s apologized to me and revert back to her old ways.”

“I kind of believe her though,” you say as you play with Jungkook’s hair. “I think she was being sincere. It’s pretty difficult to apologize and take accountability like that. She wouldn’t have done that if she was still feeling animosity toward us, especially to me.”

“I guess. But I just don’t fully trust her. I feel like she has some ulterior motive.”

“Well we can never know for sure unless we take a chance and trust her. You gave me a chance after I fucked you over a couple of times.”

“Thats different,” he says shaking his head on your thigh.

“How so?”

“You’re you. And she’s her.”

“That’s not a valid point Jungkook.”

“Besides,” starts Jungkook. “She made our lives a living hell, particularly yours. I don’t get why you’re defending her so much.”

“Because it’s not good to hold onto grudges. And we can’t move on from this if we don’t change our mentalities as well.”

“We can ignore her and still move on,” says Jungkook.

“I just think that if someone goes out of their way to apologize for their faults and take full responsibility, then they at least deserve some grace. I forgive her, and I think you should too. But at the end of the day, I can’t tell you what to do.”

Jungkook looks up at you in thought before sighing. “If you say you trust her, then fine, I will too. But if this backfires, then I get to say I told you so.”

“Deal,” you say excitedly.

“And I get reward sex,” teases Jungkook.

“That’s a win for me too so deal,” you laugh.

“But you have to call me daddy.”

You groan. “Noooo. You know I hate that. It’s so basic.”

“But I’ve never been called that before,” pouts Jungkook.

“Maybe when you officially become a daddy, you will.”

He playfully squints at you. “What are you trying to say?” He turns to the side so he is facing your stomach. “Are you saying you’re pregnant?” He begins kissing your stomach in an exaggerated manner.

You laugh at the comment and his ridiculous reaction. “Hell no. Definitely not.”

“Well then how about we practice making a baby tonight?” he winks at you.

“You know you’ve become really bold since we started dating. What happened to the shy Jungkook that would blush when I would call him hot?”

“He gained confidence after dating the sexiest girl in the world.”

“That was smooth,” you high five him.

“Thanks,” he chuckles. “But seriously, sex tonight?”

You roll your eyes, but nod nonetheless.

Since then, Mina and Jin have made an immense effort to make it up to you both. They’ve brought you both coffee, treated you out to lunch, helped with the workload. Eventually, you all began to get along with one another to the point that you can call each other friends. And this is how we got to now.

You’re all sitting in your living room with most of the couch space taken, some chairs pulled up, and you sitting on Jungkook’s lap on the single seater arm chair to conserve space. You’re all drinking the wine Mina and Jin brought and chatting about memories.

“Can you believe how far we’ve come?” you say.

“I know,” states Mina. “I never thought I’d be in this position where I can sit and have a civilized conversation with you guys.”

“We didn’t either,” said Jimin jokingly, eliciting a scowl from Mina.

“College me would have not seen this coming,” says Jungkook.

“Which part?” asks Taehyung. “Mina getting over you, or you stealing Jimin’s girl?”

“Hey, I didn’t steal her,” Jungkook says. “She was never Jimin’s to begin with.”

Everyone laughs at the shade thrown at Jimin.

“But I rocked her world, that she kept coming back,” smirks Jimin.

“But who did she choose in the end?” says a cocky Jungkook.

“Okay okay, we get it,” you say pinching Jungkook’s cheek, to which he winces.

“Yeah, no more arguing,” says Namjoon. “Even though no one thought Jungkook would one-up Jimin on girls.”

The boys start laughing again.

“Hey, leave Jimin alone,” says Seolhyun. “The poor guy keeps getting roasted out here.”

“Thanks Seolhyun,” says Jimin. “I always knew you were the realest. That’s why I took you out that one time.”

“Oh hell no,” says Seolhyun, putting her hand up. “You’re still an asshole for humiliating me like that. You’re just lucky I ended up with Namjoon because of it or I would have curb-stomped your ass.”

“Ouch,” winces Jimin. “I’ve already apologized for that, like so many times.”

“That’s what you get for hoeing around,” says Taehyung.

“Well I was trying to settle down with Y/N. But you know, she chose the virgin instead.”

“I wasn’t a virgin,” states Jungkook angrily.

“You might as well have been,” Jimin rolls his eyes.

“I’m not saying this because Jungkook is my boyfriend,” you say. “But the first time we had sex, he really did rock my world.”

“Thanks baby,” says Jungkook as he gives you a high five.

“No problem,” you chuckle. “And besides, I don’t think you actually wanted to date me, Jimin. I just think you got jealous at the lack of attention I was giving you. If we dated, you probably would have cheated on me that same week.”

“That’s not true,” he says. “I would have at least lasted a month,” he chuckles.

“Lucky me,” you say sarcastically. “But don’t change if you don’t want to Jimin. Do what makes you happy.”

“You’re one to talk,” he scoffs.

“What are you talking about?”

“You went from being the biggest player on the block to milf housewife.”

“First of all, thank you. I would be a milf if I had kids,” you laugh. You suddenly turn to Jungkook. “But don’t even think about it. I’m not having kids anytime soon.”

Jungkook huffs in annoyance, but you continue. “And I’m not a housewife. I’m literally my boyfriend’s boss, and I still drive him everywhere.” You turn to Jungkook again. “Why don’t you have a car again?”

He shrugs. “I like saying my girlfriend is going to pick me up and then seeing everyone’s face when they see how hot you are.”

You laugh at his comment. “I know that’s complete bullshit, but I’ll take it.” You turn back to Jimin. “Anyways. I didn’t change who I was for Jungkook. I wanted to change for myself because I wanted to be happy. And at that moment, Jungkook was, and still is, what makes me happy.”

Everyone coos at your cute words. You laugh as Jungkook kisses your shoulder from behind you.

“So my point still stands,” you continue. “If you don’t want to change, then don’t. There’s nothing wrong with being a slut, and there’s nothing wrong with being monogamous. There’s also nothing wrong with changing your mind.”

“Yeah yeah, I get it,” says Jimin. “I think I’ll stick to sleeping around for a while longer. But you know who to call when you break up with Jungkook,” he winks.

“Shut the hell up dude,” says an annoyed Jungkook.

Jimin raises his hands in feigned surrender. “Hey, she’s the one who said people can change their minds.”

“They can,” you say. “I’m just not one of those people.” You laugh as you high five Jungkook again.

“Sometimes you guys act like complete bros,” says Jin laughing.

“That’s because he’s my best friend,” you say.

“Hey,” says Seolhyun.

“Sorry, he’s my second best friend,” you say as you wink at Seolhyun.

“Thank you,” Seolhyun laughs.

“I thought I was your best friend,” Namjoon says to Seolhyun.

Seolhyun places a hand on his knee. “You are baby. She’s my girl best friend and you’re my guy best friend.”

Namjoon smiles at that answer.

“Shit, I should have said that,” you say jokingly.

“Yeah you should have,” says Jungkook, pretending to be angry.

“Well am I your best friend?” you ask Jungkook.

“Hold it babe,” says Jimin. “That’s my title.”

“Keep calling my girlfriend ‘babe’ and it won’t be your title for long,” says a threatening Jungkook.

“But don’t you think that brings us closer? Having been with the same girl,” says Jimin.

Jungkook sighs frustratingly. “Ok, Y/N is my best friend.”

“Yay!” you laugh.

“Hey!” says Jimin.

“Should have kept your mouth shut hoe,” you say to Jimin, sticking out your tongue.

“It’s okay Jimin,” says Taehyung placing his arm around him. “You can be my best friend. The two single dudes in the group.”

“That just sounds depressing,” says Jimin.

“Take it or leave it,” says Taehyung.

“I’ll take it,” mumbles Jimin, causing Taehyung to smile.

“Anyways,” says Namjoon. “As much as I enjoy watching Jimin get bullied, let’s make a toast.” Everyone begins to stand up, glasses in their hands. “To old friends and new beginnings.”

Everyone raises their glass and clinks them together in unison, ready for the new chapters in their lives to begin.

~

A/N: That’s the end everyone!! WOOOO!! I’m gonna miss this series, but I have a lot of new one’s coming soon that I’m excited to share. Stay tuned!

[butterflydm]

the great hunt (chap 9-chap 21)

Continuing my reread (spoilers through the end of book 2).

1. We’re gonna lose all this back-and-forth angst between the three boys, I’m guessing, because they’re all starting out physically separated at the beginning of S2. I’m not going to try to guess at the major plotpoints of S2 but I suspect that only Perrin will start out on the Horn chase. Mat and/or Rand might join later, maybe. Also I think we may be eliding out Hurin in favor of having Elyas instead? Which honestly would make a lot of sense, since Sniffers kinda stop being a thing anyone ever mentioned later on.

2. We are probably going to lose Domon’s side-plot altogether, like we did in S1. And if all the seals are big, like the Eye was (currently assuming it was a seal because that makes sense to me!) then his side plot here wouldn’t exist anyway. Hard to hide that in a cubbyhole on a ship.

3. The subplot about Fain seizing control over the Dark One’s forces can also be cut, since he was already shown in control of them in episode 8. So we’re at page 200 and almost everything has already been covered in S1. I knew they’d done some major setup but they accomplished even more than I’d realized. The only bit in what I’ve read so far that still needs to be done in S2 is introducing Verin somehow.

4. Aha, here on page 203 is when Mat and Perrin find out both that Rand can channel and that Moiraine believes he’s the Dragon Reborn. Ugh, it’s so sad. Mat’s reaction is just heartbreaking, and Perrin’s is more measured but he’s also clearly more with Mat than he’s with Rand right now. But this is the moment where Rand gets separated from everyone else (except Loial and Hurin) and accidentally enters the mirror world. Which doesn’t actually need to happen in the show, since he’s already separated from the others.

5. Oh, hi, Egwene and Nynaeve. We meet again, on page 211! It’s been a while! I wonder if we’ll see their journey to the White Tower in the show or if we’ll time-skip straight into it. They’ve both already met Siuan (and here in the books is where we get the moment where Egwene curtsies and Nynaeve doesn’t, which already happened in the show), and the Aes Sedai sisters have already been exposed to how powerful Nynaeve has the potential to be.

6. Okay, my guess is that the Horn plotline for S2 was roughly going to start around Chapter 14-ish (pg 235), which is to say, Perrin and Mat with Ingtar & co., with Perrin learning how to track using his Wolfbrother connection. But then Covid happened and we lost having Mat in episode 8, so now it’s Perrin with Loial as the knife’s victim instead of Mat. This could also be where Verin gets introduced into the plotline, just coming from a different direction instead, so that she can join Perrin like she does in the book.

7. Also. Mat had such a bad reaction to the revelation about Rand, and he’s been the first to avoid him and talk shit about him, but as soon as they hear there’s a rider approaching (after Rand has gone missing), we get this: Mat turned his horse eagerly. “Maybe it’s Rand. I knew he wouldn’t run out on me.”  Why are you doing this to me, Mat Cauthon? 😭

8. The main ‘arc’ that Rand has had so far in the book has been about accepting the responsibility of having other people depend on him in an active leadership role. This is definitely something he still needs to learn in the show as well, though the seeds of it are planted.

9. And then Rand meets ‘Selene’. I am assuming that’ll be part of his S2 plotline somehow, even if the details have likely been adjusted due to the other plot & character changes. Mirror world might just get cut out entirely. It doesn’t really come up again, iirc. I mean, he can meet Selene anywhere, really. The location doesn’t actually matter.

10. (I kinda like the idea of Selene giving him the Dragon banner, since it didn’t get found with the Eye. It probably won’t happen, but I kinda like the idea. It fits with her whole... you know. Vibe.)

11. tbh, I still feel like Robert Jordan retcon’ing Rand/Egwene into a ‘planning on being married someday for totes real’ pairing hasn’t served the narrative much in this book so far. Rand does have a brief thought about how “I’d marry Egwene if I could marry anyone” (pg 269), like, Dragon Reborn angst stuff, but removing those lines would impact the plot and characters pretty much zero percent at this point.

12. Okay, I will admit that Rand comparing the way that Egwene and Selene behave towards him and thinking at one point that they aren’t always so different is kinda funny tho, in retrospect? Considering Selene’s actual history/past relationship with you-know-who and how it went down. And Selene trying to rein in her temper when Rand just won’t Do What She Wants (despite him genuinely being desperately attracted to her at this point) is also kinda hilarious. She literally has to herd him into doing what she wants him to do. And it’s so SO funny that she’s all “think of the glory!” and he’s stuck on “wow, she’s got pretty legs”. Like, she really was missing the biggest angle that she could work there, because glory/ambition is so completely her own motivator that she doesn’t realize it’s not Rand’s, despite how OBVIOUSLY it isn’t. Like, Rand not picking up on how shady she is compares strongly to how she will NOT pick up on how he doesn’t care about glory for its own sake. I’m just saying there’s a lot of comedy potential here, if they decide to go that way rather than the drama route.

13. The other part of Rand’s early plot is about dealing with the fact that saidin is always chilling there, waiting for him in his mind, which they’ve kinda already started dealing with in episodes 7/8 as well.

14. I remember some people being upset that the details of Nynaeve’s block weren’t gone into during S1, but it’s here around page 285 that we first learn the details of it in the book series -- that it’s anger that she needs to use to channel. Though this was a reoccurring issue I had with the complaints. So many people kept complaining that the show had not yet explained something that the books hadn’t explained yet at that point either!

15. Page 290, E&N meet Sheriam on the docks of Tar Valon. That might be a good starting point for E&N in S2. Introducing us to Sheriam. She could be the one to tell us about Nynaeve’s block, maybe as part of Nynaeve becoming an Accepted instead of a novice?

16. Oh, this whole bit with Rand and Loial sneaking into Fain’s camp and stealing the Horn & dagger, and then Rand protecting Loial as they escape is so good! The way we just vibe with Rand in the calmness of the void (and this is where we find out that it’s the void that seems to protect Rand from Fain’s sense of him). This is the first time Rand is a badass while actually in control of himself (he was NOT in control of himself at the Eye of the World & Tarwin’s Gap) and it’s pretty neat.

17. Ah, Rand being willing to Just Say No to Selene despite being incredibly attracted to her actually is something I love to read. It kinda sounds like she’s trying to lay Compulsion on him and he shakes it off tbh? But it could just be showing that his loyalty to his friend is stronger than any amount of lust he might feel for a woman he’s just met. I’m cool with it either way. It’s a good moment. And it really is clear that as much as Selene ‘wants’ Rand, she does not, in fact, LIKE him as a person, just as an idea that she can shape into the type of person she actually would like. His actual personality is clearly something that she finds annoying and frustrating.

18. ~mysterious huge statue <3 <3! Oh, that was really neat, too, actually. Rand feeling drawn to and overwhelmed by how much saidin he feels like he can channel when he’s near it. Very cool, very cool. There’s a lot of very evocative moments in this book so far, when we get into Rand interacting with saidin, especially. And I’ve liked how they’ve shown saidin around Rand, so far in the show -- channeling just looks... effortless and natural when he’s doing it, and you can really see the effects of the power and the taint on his face. So I’m really looking forward to seeing more of that.

[grittyreadsfic]

hello my friends, one singular person asked for this weeks ago so i’m here with my most unhinged rec list yet: tk and nolan.

now, this one was hard to reign in, so i really didn’t. this pairing had maybe 230 fics in the tag when i first started reading hockey fic, and it’s now over 900, and i’ve read far too many of them, and that makes it so hard to parse it down. so i just...didn't!

so with that said, please enjoy so you want to get into tknp: a beginners guide to a classic case of idiots to lovers

i told myself that i couldn’t rec an author’s entire body of work but then i remembered this is my blog and i do what i want, so i did some consolidating. here’s a list of the quintessential authors for this pairing, you can start at any of their profiles and pick any of their fics at random, and it’ll be one of the best ones for the pairing, hands down.

therainbowsedge: i’d start with the summer camp fic, or the sex toys one, as both beautifully capture the true idiots to lovers nature of this pairing, but just top tier writing all around

manybumblebees: the wedding fic is so tender and port stanley is a classic, but literally pick any single fic and you’ll have a perfect tknp fic. i’m not kidding

jamesvanriemsdick: their tknp fics in their series are some of the hidden gems of this pairing (the tk heartbeat fic makes me LOSE it) but the delaware fic or the seattle fic…..there’s really something for every mood

catchascatchcan: start with era of gods because i could write literal essays on how it’s some of the best fantasy worldbuilding i’ve ever read, but then just read everything else on their account, including non tknp fics. you won’t regret it

hackysack: ao3 user hackysack has written one of two timeloop fics that i absolutely adore, and i thought about just calling that one out in particular, but all of their work deserves the attention

canary: nothing to prove was the first tknp fic i ever read and i was immediately hooked. all of their fics are a good starting place for the pairing, and just really give you a feeling for the pairing

and now, for the fic recs!

to be, despite it all by smudgedfreckles

summary: or, nolan patrick’s gender thesis, by travis konecny.

why i love it: there’s not a lot ofo nonbinary characters in media, even in fic, but this fic’s treatment of nolan and their path to figuring out their gender just feels so real and made me feel so seen. tk’s characterization is also just top notch, and it’s just a super sweet story about two people who love each other

last ones standing by makeit_takeit

summary: If you’re committed to finding your future spouse, reads the last line of the ad, and are ready to look at yourself and your love life in a whole new way, apply now.

At the bottom of the ad there’s a link, and Travis finds his finger hovering over the screen, lip still caught between his teeth.

“I mean,” he says very reasonably, speaking out loud to his empty apartment like some sort of possibly-crazy person, “just applying doesn’t mean anything. Maybe I just fill it out, and see what happens. It’s not like I’m really gonna get picked to be on TV, come on.”

He snorts out loud, just to show his apartment he hasn’t lost his grip on reality or anything; he fully understands how ludicrous that would be.

Then he clicks the link anyway, because yolo or whatever.

why i love it: what part of a married at first sight fic doesn’t make you want to immediately dive right in? the concept is fun, the execution is absolutely flawless, and it captures their dynamic so well while letting it develop naturally

motivation by connectknee

summary: Kevin knows when to back off, the article said. He knows just when to shut up and leave Patty alone, something Travis has never known how to do.

why i love it: the thing i love about this pairing is that tk is loud and in your face, and nolan’s more reserved, a little quieter, a little harder to read. this fic does a really great job of exploring how tk could feel like maybe he’s just a bit too much and is one of my favorites in terms of miscommunication

a tenderness grows by rusesdeguerre

summary: Nolan wouldn’t say that landing a job as the Philadelphia Flyers’ psychotic and probably clinically insane mascot was a childhood dream of his. Maybe tangentially: playing pond hockey in –30°C weather and pretending to be Sidney Crosby is practically a rite of passage when you grow up in Manitoba. That, and experiencing the distinct displeasure that is thousands of mosquitoes sucking your blood out when your father drags you on a father-son camping trip into the backwoods of the northern Canadian Prairies.

why i love it: this was the first fic i recced on this blog, and i stand by that decision. a fic where nolan is not only not a hockey player, but is in fact the person in the gritty suit? absolutely perfect, and so charming from start to finish

meet me at my window by springsteen

summary: Travis has lived in Philadelphia for a few years now, long enough to know there isn’t a major city in America where superheroes don’t destroy an entire city block trying to save humanity or whatever. He can deal with all the super-shit, but Travis did not sign up for getting woken up from a deep sleep because some fucker’s trying to break in through his window.

(5 times the super-villain known as "The Cat" breaks into Travis's apartment, plus 1 time Travis invites him in.)

why i love it: there’s a lot of things to love here, but the concept is just absolutely one of my all time favorite aus ever. it’s fun and charming and the perfect glimpse into a world where heroes and villains exist, and what it’s like just to be a run of the mill kind of guy existing in it. tk and nolan’s back and forth in this make it so engaging, and it’s such a top tier fic

body’s in trouble by cloudsandpassingevents

summary: “Oh, sorry,” someone says. “Didn’t know anyone else was here.”

Nolan freezes, then turns around very slowly. When he looks up, Nicklas fucking Backstrom is standing behind him in a hoodie and baggy sweats, holding the biggest bag of Swedish Fish Nolan’s ever seen in his life in one hand.

“Uh,” Nolan says around the pop tart between his teeth. “Yeah.”

What the fuck, his brain helpfully supplies.

why i love it: from nolan’s inner voice, to the way the author explores all the dynamics within the team, to the way they write the unexpected but actually, it kind of makes sense friendship between nolan and backstrom, is just absolutely fantastic. there’s a lot of moments that circle back and build on each other in a way that really just makes it super compelling

rhizomatic foundations by lighthousetowers

summary: Twenty days after he moves in with Kevin Hayes, twenty days – three months, five months, depending on how you look at it – after not talking to TK, TK shows up at the front door with a plant the size of a basketball in his hands.

TK grins. "Patty, meet Reginald." He lifts up the plant. "Reggie, meet Patty. He's going to be your new - caretaker."

"What the fuck," says Nolan, not moving a single muscle.

Or: That Nolan can hear the plant talk might as well just happen.

why i love it: this is probably my favorite magical realism fic just about ever. it’s fun and charming and a little weird, but in the best possible way. there’s such a wonderful narrative in it, and lighthousetowers always has such beautiful writing, and it really shines in this one. the dialogue and nolan’s characterization are also part of what set it apart for me as one of the best tknp fics

in the dark of any town by mengetpegged

summary: If the voice has an accent at all, it’s a flat prairie Canadian, with none of G’s French-Canadian softness at the edges. But mostly, the accent is just ‘pissed off,’ which TK believes is a default setting for ghosts.

“Who are you?” TK asks, and he doesn’t like how strained his voice sounds, doesn’t like the tinge of anxiety tinting the rise of his question. He tries to regulate his breaths—in through his nose, hold, out through his mouth—but it feels like he’s not getting enough oxygen, which makes him panic even more.

“Someone with a fucking migraine, dickhead,” the voice says. “So keep the lights off and shut the hell up.”

(or: Nolan Patrick, Hotel X Ghost)

why i love it: i’m usually not super into ghost fics, both the spooky kind and the nonspooky kind, but this one is a rare exception. it’s charming and fun and tender and it’s got some of, in my opinion, the best characterization of tk and nolan in any fic. the way the author writes their dynamic and their dialogue is just unmatched

lets_make_this_moment_a_crime.mp3 by honeydripping

summary: Travis meets Nolan at a Midtown show in 2002 when he punches Nolan in the face. He can’t help it, “Like A Movie” just goes off.

But he does feel guilty about it.

or

TK and Patty work at a bakery together. They go to punk shows to pass the time.

why i love it: idk if anyone asked for an early 2000s emo/punk/alt au but wow! i sure am glad it exists! really the vibes of this fic, as silly as that sounds, are absolutely unmatched. i love the structure with the music, the development of their relationship, and just everything about how the author wrote the setting (there’s this whole thing with tattoos in it that makes me feel absolutely insane)

you’re ripped at every edge by you’re a masterpiece by conformityissuicide

summary: “Ugh, look, this yoga teacher has it out for me, man. And I can’t go back there without at least having some of the basics down. I’ve got to win this battle.”

“Yoga isn’t really something you win at,” Hartsy starts.

Travis cuts him off, “You can win at anything if you try hard enough.”

+++

OR that time Nolan's a grumpy yoga teacher and Travis realizes he wants to bone him and prove him wrong about Travis' non-existent yoga abilities.

why i love it: listen, if you want tknp, at least one of them has to be an idiot, and this tk absolutely captures the obliviousness i love to see in him in fic. it’s such a great characterization of them both and such a great concept (and even better execution)

you form a terror pack (and i’m aware of that) by dalmatienne

summary: “Can I help you?” TK snarks, both eyebrows hiked up in a way that has earned her many elbow checks to the ribs.

The chick looks down her nose, long thick eyelashes fluttering. Red-bitten lips part to blow a florid pink bubble and TK can smell the chemical sweetness when it pops.

“Yeah,” she says in this monotonous voice that seems almost at odds with her bubble gum and neon skates. She jams her stopper into TK’s thigh again, literally inches away from where it’d really hurt. “Tie ‘em.”

why i love it: to be honest, i generally don’t read rule 63 within hrpf, but this one is just absolutely knocks it out of the park. the concept (i fuckin’ love roller derby), the characterization of nolan, the pacing, the rituals, the tone of the entire fic, it’s just all around a perfect read from start to finish

thrills and grills by bitter_leaf

summary: Travis can’t even begin to wonder what he did in a previous life to incur the wrath of this fucking cook. Travis thinks he’s a nice person, doesn’t conduct himself in any way that could be considered particularly dickish, and unless this guy has some sort of issue with hockey bros or people from the boonies, he’s not sure how he started shit without even knowing.

__

Patty has a vendetta. Travis just wants to eat his eggs in peace.

why i love it: honestly this is the enemies to lovers fic i’ve been waiting for. i remember seeing the reddit post when it first went viral and thinking it would make such a great fic premise, so stumbling across this one was just so wonderful. super engaging and fun and so hilarious to read!

nothing but room for you by fightingfuries

summary: When his agent tells him he’s going to be traded to the Devils, Nolan isn't sure how he feels about it. Might be easier if he was going somewhere farther away, like California or fucking Florida. Somewhere sun-soaked and foreign. Someplace so different from Philadelphia that he can forget he ever played for the Flyers, forget everything that happened there.

Or Nolan fucks up, gets traded, gets his shit together and falls in love. Not necessarily in that order.

why i love it: i cannot stress to you how much i love trade fics, and this one is one of my absolute favorites. the trade to the devils-so close to philly, still, but there’s more to distance than physical miles-was such an excellent choice and the split timeline adds so much to the narrative, and the emotions are real and messy and complicated in the best way

a couple of runaways (i’m glad you stayed) by overturnedgoal

summary: The person in the video he’s watching is super annoying. Some obnoxious holier than thou granola type who keeps talking about their environmental impact as if they aren’t driving a gas guzzler around, but the basic idea of living in a van, driving around wherever, camping all the time, just going hiking and swimming and seeing the whole country? It sounds pretty dope, honestly.

why i love it: i like to watch tours and conversions of vans/buses into tiny homes as a self soothing method, and this fic has the same impact that watching those do. it’s such a fun concept, and it’s so fuckin’ soft, and the dialouge between tk and nolan is just *chef’s kiss*

all candor and style in the crook of your smile by p3trichor

summary: It’s a photo of Nolan on his knees with someones’ fingers in his mouth, lips slick with spit. Travis flicks by it almost too fast and he’s only got seconds to decide if he wants to screenshot it, if he wants to just give up the ghost right then and there. Except Travis’s phone freezes momentarily and then the group refreshes, sidcros87, Bert59 and 14 others took a screenshot!

It’s gone before Travis even has time to process it and he already wasted his replay of the day on a stupid video of a stupid fish that Hayes caught.

Can you send me that screenshot Travis texts Bertuzzi before he can overthink it, his dick already stirring in his sweats. Tuzzi sends back the cry-laughing emoji and then the screenshot before Travis can be too annoyed at him.

Or, Nolan is being weird about Travis's break-up and TK is maybe not straight.

why i love it: i genuinely don’t think i have words for the amount i love this fic. it took me forever to actually read, but it’s absolutely one of my favorite fics, and it’s an absolutely riot to read. carter’s meddling and the presence of tyler bertuzzi both make it extra fun, in my humble opinion

[fellowstrangetownappreciator]

Curious and autistic-coded

Hello there! April draws to an end and with that I think it’s high time to hurry up and write this. What does April have to do with anything, you ask? April is the Autism Acceptance Month. So what better month to do this?

Unfortunately I didn’t make it. I failed. It’s already 1. 5. when I’m posting this. But at least I tried to deliver on time.

In this mini essay I’ll present my case about why I think the Curious brothers from TS2 Strangetown display autistic-coded traits and my personal takes on it.

It’s basically your average headcanon post but with a funny top hat!

0: Preface: What do I mean by “autistic-coded”?

When a character is coded as something, it means that they have traits that are associated with the demographics in question to make the consumer knowingly or not link the character with the demographic, although the character's "label” is never explicitly disclosed.

In the nutshell, it means that there are canonical reasons to read the characters as autistic, although you won't find the word "autism" anywhere in the game nor in the developer's commentary.

In this particular case I do believe that the developer may not even be aware of the code, as there is no evidence to suggest otherwise. If there is, I’m not aware of it and I would be happy to learn.

So, let’s start!

1: “The white male who is very good at science”

Unfortunately autistic representation in pop-culture has a long history of being rather straightforward in which traits the characters often have. This stems from the belief that autism is “a boy’s disorder” (that’s why some autism charities to this day use blue in their symbols). Among popular examples of autistic-coded characters are Big Bang Theory’s Sheldon Cooper and Death Note’s L and Near. I’m sure you can think of more but you’ll find that most of them are men and either explicitly white or racially ambiguous white-passing. They also tend to be gifted in tech, logic or other science-y activities.

There’s nothing wrong with that! Nothing wrong with being an autistic with those “stereotypical” characteristics and there is nothing wrong with people being represented. What is wrong is the monotony and afab people/people of color being underrepresented which leads (among other factors) to harder access to diagnosis and resources for those people in real life. But! That’s a topic for a different day. (and not for a simbrl, mind you)

Back to the Curiouses! I just wanted to say that autism in media is traditionally associated with characters whose gender presentation, race and interests align with theirs. Those characteristic thus make a very convenient template for autistic-coding.

2: Inconsistent performance, huge gaps between strengths and weaknesses

Pascal, Vidcund and Lazlo are very skilled Sims by default, extraordinarily even for their age. Pascal has a skill maxed while his younger brothers both near maxing theirs.

But as you can see in Pascal’s default skill panel, apart from Creativity, all his other skills are extremely low, 0 points for Mechanical, Body and Charisma, 1 point for Cooking and Logic and his second best skill, Cleaning, has only 3 points. The same situation can be observed in Vidcund’s and Lazlo’s, except their strong suits are Logic and Cooking respectively.

Huge discrepancies within performance in different cognitive areas is a common trait found in those on the autism spectrum. We’re often talking extremes here and the scale of the difference is the defining factor. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, it’s just in neurodivergent people those tend to be unusually noticeable.

I think that skills, simplified as they are, are the closest The Sims has to possibly simulate that because they track the character’s performance and expertise in different areas and allow comparison. In real life, of course, this comparison is not nearly as possible and exact, nor desired, but for all our analysis-loving enthusiasm, here we’re still talking fictional characters.

3: Struggle with social cues

It is widely known that one of autistic traits are difficulties with processing social situations, picking social cues and successfully replicating socially desired behavioral patterns.

But these three are Sims, are they not? They cannot possibly display this trait, since they’re programmed the same way as others.

Yes and no.

It is true that there is no specific in-game feature that would allow Sims to behave with explicit neurodivergency in mind* but with the right combination of traits they can simulate behavior that really hits close to home for neurodivergent players.

*at least not in TS2, TS3 has traits that simulate some possible neurodivergencies but their names tend to be rather... ableist unfortunate and they’re not relevant to this post since they’re not autism related, and even if they were, we’re focusing on TS2 exclusively

Let’s take look at Lazlo here. He is, indeed, a playful soul. He likes to goof around, tell jokes, make others laugh. And since he’s very close to his brother Vidcund, close enough even to Tell Dirty Joke (an interaction that needs quite a high relationship to unlock), he autonomously does just that.

And oh boy, does Vidcund disapprove.

From my personal experience playing them, their relationship usually takes quite a hit from every cheeky joke Lazlo throws Vid’s way. They usually autonomously repair it very quick but it happens often.

But that’s a standard behavior. Vidcund’s very serious, he doesn’t take well to jokes.

No. I mean technically yes, Vid is definitely a grumpy old plant dad but, at least in my game, he tends to accept Lazlo’s jokes. All kinds of them, actually, except for the dirty ones. And Pascal, who technically has even lower Playful points (0 in comparison to Vidcund’s 4), doesn’t seem to mind Lazlo’s poor attempts at grown-up humor.

But! What is it that makes Lazlo try still? What drives him to attempt to make Vidcund laugh with a dirty joke over and over again? (and fail?)

I my interpretation, Lazlo doesn’t do that on purpose, he is just really poor at evaluating “dirtiness” of a given joke and frequently misinterprets Vidcund’s cues. The animation of a dirty joke being rejected even supports that as Vid doesn’t signal his discomfort with any exaggerated easy-to-read facial expression until Lazlo gets to his punchline.

No only that but as I mentioned, the invisible lines between spicy and too vulgar are often hard to thread. I can recall many times I thought I was saying a witty quip on an “adult” topic and was met with awkward silence or someone shushing me because “that’s not how you speak in public”. I can well imagine myself in Lazlo’s shoes.

A situation of social cues being misinterpreted or ignored can be observed also in Vidcund. Programming-wise, those are just his low Niceness and extreme Shyness showing but combined they again paint a picture of a very neurodivergent-looking behavioral pattern.

He often behaves like the concept of politeness or social rules doesn’t exist because the combination of the aforementioned traits makes him come off very blunt (lecturing and shoving telescope-peepers with no warning whatsoever) and distant (having a high chance of rejecting simple small-talk socials).

(That’s Jasmine Rai casting the “Summon Vidcund” spell.)

Yes, I am fully aware that it makes a stronger case for him being an a**hole than autistic but... there’s no reason he can’t be both. Not all autistic people are sweet cinnamon buns, all personalities you can think of can be neurodiverse and, for some their neurodiversity can even amplify their inconsiderate ways, as I believe it is the case with our dear grouch Vidcund.

4. Their bios

“No matter what happens, Pascal believes there is a logical explanation for everything. In his free time, he practices home psychoanalysis and collects conspiracy theories.”

(that’s how I imagine practicing psychoanalysis looks like, sorry Freud)

“Serious and exact, Vidcund strives to fit the universe into a nice tidy package. He has an unnatural fondness for African violets.”

(let’s collectively pretend those are African violets)

“Not as studious as his older brothers, Lazlo got his degree in Phrenology. He likes to call phone psychics and spends hours trying to bend forks with his mind.”

*error: screenshot of Lazlo bending forks not found*

(but here he is hanging out with Erin Beaker, the closest thing to “calling phone psychics” you can actually do in-game)

Both Pascal’s and Vidcund’s bios point to a pattern-focused worldview with a strong emphasis on rationality as the center-point that anchors the way they understand the world around them and build their principles on. This “pattern-ization” of thinking is a common autistic trait, with rationality being a popular theme because emotions tend to be difficult to access and asses for many of us.

Lazlo’s biography is an outlier. But it still has something significant in common with those of his brothers: All three of their bios allude to a potential special interest of sorts.

Special interests as an autism-related term are very specific, in-depth and long-term hobbies or areas of expertise that make an autistic person happy and they tend to go to seemingly exhausting lengths, often at the cost of other areas of knowledge and most likely the person’s ability to talk about anything else for a long enough time. (a loving hyperbole, no disrespect meant) Mine are my characters and cats. An even more intense but a short(er)-term passion is called a hyperfixation.

Them potentially having a special interest is yet another possible autistic-coded feature.

5. Wait. Why does it matter?

Right. What does it matter if a Sim (A SIM) (or two or three) is autistic? What do I hope to achieve, pushing my autistic Curiouses agenda down your throats?

I got to write a long rant-piece about some of my favorite TS characters and I feel like I can finally die satisfied.

Apart from that and me sharing my happiness of finding some good pixels I can relate to, it is a matter of representation.

Remember by the very beginning I wrote how most of the representation our community gets in media tends to be just a one specific type of character?

And how the Curious brothers seem to fit the stereotype to a point?

There is something I omitted, something I saved for the last on purpose.

The role. The role in their story, the role in the society the piece of media portrays.

We often see neurodiverse, autistic or autistic-coded character as children, students, villains, lone savants, victims in distress, comedic relief sidekicks, either very vulnerable and needing protection, or detached and having their role defined only by their academic prowess or their special interest/profession.

What we rarely get to see them as, are... parents.

That’s what many of us autistics are or plan to be someday in the future. The dogma around autism has started to dwindle relatively recently and there are little to no examples of autistic adults being the care-givers for once in the media around us.

The Curious brothers are just that. They are chaotic, they are eccentric, they can be a little too much... but they are dutiful and loving fathers/uncles to their little aliens they raise.

They make it work. Even if they face difficulties, even if they don’t exactly fit the standard.

“Sometimes, a family truly can be three brothers raising alien babies, and it’s beautiful.”

It encourages us to define family by love rather than traditional structures and it shows us that portrait of a functional neurodiverse family we need to see.

And goodness, is it a powerful sight.

[piratewithvigor]

My first thought in regard to every band that gets played on my radio station

ACDC: Every dad’s favourite band

Adams, Bryan: Every mom’s favourite singer until Michael Buble came along

Aerosmith: haha they thought Vince Neil was a lady

Alice Cooper: he’s a Game Of Thrones fanboy and I have proof

Alice In Chains: my sister doesn’t like them because she decided AC were Alice Cooper’s initials ONLY

Allman Brothers Band: good music for dropping acid to

Allman, Gregg: That’s too many Gs for one name

Animals: House Of The Rising Sun, or who even cares

Argent: Sometimes Hold Your Head Up is really catchy

Asia: Tuesdays

Autograph: one of the members went on to be a pharmacist

Bachman-Turner Overdrive: There are just so many pop culture jokes about Taking Care Of Business that whatever I say won’t be as funny

Bad Company: with their song; Bad Company, off their album; Bad Company

Benatar, Pat: Always getting her confused with Patti Smith

Black Crowes: I like them for Lickin, but it doesn’t seem to exist outside of one shoddy video on youtube and my old CD

Blackfoot: this band name feels kind of racy

Black Sabbath: Dio was not better or worse than Ozzy; just different

Blondie: I like Call Me, but Blondie confuses me stylistically

Blue Oyster Cult: MORE COWBELL

Bon Jovi: Hello, childhood trauma, I missed you

Boston: ONE GUY. ONE GUY DID IT ALL AND NO ONE KNOWS

Bowie, David: Don’t let your children watch The Man Who Fell To Earth, or David Bowie’s will end up being the third penis they see in life

Browne, Jackson: Another musician ruined by Supernatural

Buffalo Springfield: Jack Nicholson was at the riot they sing about

Burdon, Eric: no ideas, brain empty

Bush: ditto

Candlebox: ditto once more. Who are these people?

Cars: This band feels so gay and so straight at the same time, I can only assume they’re the poster children of bisexual panic

Cheap Trick: I played Dream Police on Guitar Hero so fucking much because it was the only song anyone who played with me could keep up with

Chicago: Chicago 30 exists, but they do not have 30 albums. Fucking riddle me that

Clapton, Eric: 6 discs in one Greatest Hits is too many. That’s called “re releasing your discography”

Cochrane, Tom: For some reason, everyone thinks Rascal Flats did it better

Cocker, Joe: Belushi did it right

Collective Soul: who?

Collins, Phil: If his biggest hits were done by MCR, they would be emo anthems, but because he’s 5′6″ and from the 80s, they’re not

Cream: *Vietnam flashbacks on the hippie side*

CCR: *Vietnam flashbacks on the war side*

CSNY: David Crosby; meh

Deep Purple: THEY’RE SO MUCH MORE THAN SMOKE ON THE WATER

Def Leppard: the only music for when you’re a heartbroken bitch but also a sexy one

Derek And The Dominos: Clapton and ‘Layla’ broke up

Derringer, Rick: Tom Petty if he was from the midwest

Dio: You thought it was an anime reference, but it was me, Dio

Dire Straits: You can tell how bigoted a radio station is based on how much of Money For Nothing they censor

Doobie Brothers: I have yet to smoke weed, but I listen to the Doobies, and I think that’s pretty close

Dylan, Bob: I take back everything I said about him in my youth

Eagles: Hotel California isn’t their best song, but the memes that come from it are second to none

Edgar Winter Group: @the--blackdahlia

Electric Light Orchestra: Actually an orchestra and sound a fuckton like George Harrison

ELO: I really hesitate to ask what happens with the 7 virgins and a mule

Essex, David: no prominent memories of him

Fabulous Thunderbirds: cannot spell

Faces: Who on earth thought that was a good album name?

Faith No More: I got nothing

Fixx: One Thing Leads To Another is a damn bop

Fleetwood Mac: I ain’t straight, but I’m simply not enough of a witch to enjoy them to full potential

Fogerty, John: He got sued cause he sounded like himself

Foghat: Slow Ride slowly becoming less coherent feels like a drug trip

Foo Fighters: He was just excited to buy a grill

Ford, Lita: deserved better

Foreigner: dramatically overplayed

Frampton, Peter: a masterful user of the talk box

Free: dramatically underplayed

Gabriel, Peter: leaving Genesis changed him a lot

Genesis: if someone likes Genesis, clarify the era, because yes, it does matter

Georgia Satellites: sing like you have a cactus in your ass

Golden Earring: Twilight Zone slaps, but it doesn’t slap as hard as this station thinks it does

Grand Funk Railroad: Funk

Grateful Dead: I like their aesthetic more than their music

Great White: there are so many fucking shark jokes

Greenbaum, Norman: makes me think of Subway for some reason

Green Day: the first of the emo revolution

Greg Kihn Band: RocKihnRoll is literally the most clever album name I’ve ever seen

Guns N Roses: They have more than three good songs, but radio stations never recognize that

Hagar, Sammy: I’m still trying to figure out where he lived to take 16 hours to get to LA driving 55 and how fucking fast was he driving beforehand?

Harrison, George: He went from religious to rock, and if he had continued rocking, he would have gotten too cool 

Head East: I respect people who use breakfast foods as album names

Heart: Magic Man and Barracuda are played at least once every goddamn day. They’re not even the best songs!

Hendrix, Jimi: I have both a cousin and a sibling named after Hendrix references

Henley, Don: Dirty Laundry gives me too much inspiration

Hollies: Somehow sound like they’re both from the 60s and the 80s at the same time

Idol, Billy: he’s doing well for himself

INXS: Terminator vibes

Iris, Donnie: knockoff Roy Orbison

James Gang: too many funks

Jane’s Addiction: if TMNT had a grunge band representative

Jefferson Airplane: *assorted cheers*

Jefferson Starship: *assorted boos*

Jethro Tull: The only band to make you feel not cool enough to play the flute

Jett, Joan: icon

J. Geils Band: I requested them on the radio once and it got played

Joel, Billy: he really did just air everybody’s business like that

John Cafferty And The Beaver Brown Band: literally wtf is that name

John, Elton: yarn Elton sits in my basement, unstaring. Please someone take him from me

Joplin, Janis: Queen

Journey: Stop overplaying Don’t Stop Believing. It takes away from the rest of the repetoire

Judas Priest: literally started the gay leather aesthetic

Kansas: another fucking band Supernatural stole

Kenny Wayne Shepherd: the man confuses me to the point where he isn’t in the right place alphabetically

Kiss: Mick Mars and I will simply have to disagree on the subject

Kravitz, Lenny: runaway vibes

Led Zeppelin: Fucking fight me if you don’t think they’re the most talented band (maybe not the most talented individually, but collectively, no one comes close)

Lennon, John: My least favourite Beatle for reasons

Live: I got nothin

Living Colour: slap a decent amount

Loverboy: do you not get TURNT the fuck up to the big Loverboy hits? Who hurt you??

Lynyrd Skynyrd: Sweet Home Alabama is a Neil Young diss track

Marshall Tucker Band: no opinion

Manfred Mann’s Earth Band: VERY STRONG OPINIONS THAT THEY AREN’T GOOD

McCartney, Paul/Wings: Power couple

Meatloaf: I have nothing but respect for a man who willingly named himself Meatloaf

Mellencamp, John: voted cutest lesbian of 1987

Metallica: I liked their appearance on Jimmy Fallon

Midnight Oil: I get them confused for Talking Heads a lot

Modern English: who?

Molly Hatchet: Hollies vibes, but also Georgia Satellites vibes

Money, Eddie: DAN AVIDAN, IF YOU SEE THIS, COVER TAKE ME HOME TONIGHT

Motley Crue: Stan Mick Mars and John Corabi. They’re the only ones who deserve it

Mott The Hoople: no one loves them except for David Bowie

Mountain: props for naming an album ‘Climbing’

Nazareth: I want to make a John Mulaney joke here, but I can never come up with one

Nicks, Stevie: witch queen

Night Ranger: I get them confused with Urge Overkill

Nirvana: Kurt Cobain was the ally grunge needed

Nova, Aldo: he’s Canadian, at least

Nugent, Ted: *serves a ghost as jerky*

Offspring: nothing here

Osbourne, Ozzy: this bitch crazy

Outfield: Your Love is kind of a sketchy song, but it slaps hard

Palmer, Robert: low quality Eddie Money

Pearl Jam: *grunts in Eddie Vedder*

Petty, Tom: I have so many feelings about Tom Petty and they are all good

Pink Floyd: which one is Pink?

Plant, Robert: solo career is a crapshoot, but his voice is unparalleled

Poison: I want them to write a song called ‘Alice Cooper’

Pretenders: I want to say good things, but I have nothing to say

Queen: A doctor of astrophysics, a screaming girl, a disco queen and a diva walk into a bar. It’s Queen; they’re there to play a gig

Queensryche: neutral opinion

Quiet Riot: they got big because of a song they hated. I love that

Rafferty, Gerry: the second-sexiest sax opening in all of music

Rainbow: Ritchie Blackmore created something very magnificent

Ram Jam: one good song and they didn’t even write it

Ratt: I’m sure they have more than Round And Round, but I don’t know it

RHCP: funky, but if you have paid money to hear them, you’re going to The Bad Place (I don’t make the rules)

Red Rider: basically Golden Earring

Reed, Lou: Walk On The Wild Side would be such a cool song if it wasn’t so dull

REM: American Tragically Hip

REO Speedwagon: Props for having a dad joke as an album title

Rolling Stones: Never in my life could I imagine the drummer being named anything but Charlie

Rush: How to make being uncool the coolest fucking shit

Santana: The world needs more Santana

Scandal: There’s something really funny about The Warrior being my brother’s “song” with his girlfriend

Scorpions: Was Wind Of Change written by the CIA? Only the spotify podcast I got an ad for once could say

Seger, Bob: A different variety of Eric Clapton (frankly a better variety, but that’s just me)

Simple Minds: we ALL forgot about you

Skid Row: Sebastian Bach is prettier than all of us

Soundgarden: music that makes you feel like you dunked your head underwater

Springsteen, Bruce: my arch-nemesis. Maybe someday, he’ll find out about it

Squeeze: according to my friends, the stupidest band name ever, but they’re theatre kids, so you know

Squier, Billy: If he can make it through 1984 alive, you can make it through whatever bad day you’re having

Stealers Wheel: Yet another band who I always mistake for George Harrison

Steely Dan: my house’s nickname for the Robber in Settlers Of Catan

Steppenwolf: Either makes me think of Jay & Silent Bob, Jack Nicholson, or that time I had to cut 6lbs of onions

Steve Miller Band: when you’re in the right mood, they slap hard

Stewart, Rod: my soundtrack to summer 2015

Stills, Stephen: Love The One You’re With Is Catchy, but the lyrics are questionable

Stone Temple Pilots: the only band to write a song about goo you smear on yourself

Stray Cats: an obscene amount of merch is available for them

Styx: Supernatural would have ruined them for me too if I hadn’t been into them previously. 

Supertramp: I hunted for Breakfast In America for two years and it was worth every hunt

Sweet: I will never understand my two-month obsession with Ballroom Blitz when I was 15, but it was legit all I listened to

Talking Heads: you may find yourself in a pizza hut. And you may find yourself in a taco bell. And you may find yourself at the combination pizza hut and taco bell. And you may ask yourself; ‘how did I get here?’

Temple Of The Dog: I keep confusing them for Nazareth

Ten Years After: somehow still relevant

Tesla: not the car or the dude

The Beatles: Evokes a lot of opinions from people. Mine is that I love them

The Clash: I showed my sister the ‘Lock The Taskbar’ vine ONCE and it still kills her

The Doors: evokes teenage terror from deep within my soul

The Guess Who: Canada’s answer to confusing question-themed band names

The Kinks: kinky

The Police: wrote the theme of 2020 and everyone somehow forgot it was about a teacher resisting becoming a pedophile

The Ramones: playing all of their songs in a row wouldn’t take more than 2 hours

The Romantics: you don’t think you know them, but if you’ve seen Shrek 2, you have

The Who: If someone can explain Tommy to me, I’d be glad to hear it

The Zombies: I think they happened because of the 60s

Thin Lizzy: Could the boys maybe leave town?

Thorogood, George: blues, but make it modern

Toto: the most memed song behind All Star

Townshend, Pete: just makes me think of the end of Mr. Deeds

T-Rex: Mark Bolan is an icon

Triumph: The no-name brand of Rush

Tubes: like the yogurt

Twisted Sister: they did a christmas album and my mom does NOT hate it

U2: U2 Movers; we move in mysterious ways

Van Halen: RIP Eddie

Van Morrison: honestly, who’s named Van?

Vaughn, Stevie Ray: Steamy Ray Vaughn

Walsh, Joe: The Smoker You Drink The Player You Get

War: Foghat, but even groovier

Whitesnake: the most successful band to be named after a penis

Wright, Gary: the 90s thanks him for writing the song every movie used for the “guy sees cute girl and it’s love at first sight” scene

Yes: To Be Continued

Young, Neil: The best part of CSNY

Zevon, Warren: the album cover of Excitable Boy makes me deeply uncomfortable for reasons I don’t understand

ZZ Top: has been the same three guys since 1969. Lineup unchanged. 

3 Doors Down: They feel a little modern to be on a classic rock station, but whatever

38 Special: Why 38?

[im-totally-not-an-alien]

Final Fantasy 7 prompts # 73

1. Puppet! Cloud drops out from a random vortex after his master was defeated. Where did he land?

On Sephiroths office desk in Shinra tower of course. Sephiroth poked him with his pen a few times before Cloud woke up.

"Master!" The blond exclaimed as he wrapped the larger man in a hug. Of course. Of freaking course, thats when Genesis barged in with a stack of paperwork tucked under his arm, (not even bothering to knock mind you!) "Ugh, Seph, you are not going to believe-" the redclad figure stopped in his tracks.

"...this isn't what is looks like."

Genesis wiggled his eyebrows suggestivly, "Sure it isn't." And he was back out in the hall without another word. The soft click the door gave seemed much too loud in the silence and only seemed to add to Sephiroths humiliation.

Thus began Cloud following around his "Master" wherever he went while Sephiroth and the SOLDIERS/Turks did everything in their power to stop him, only to fail hilariously or get beaten up by the (comparatively) petite blond for thier efforts

2. The Holy Trinity encounter Winged! Cloud from the future or a parallel dimention or something and instead of viewing him as a monster they think he's an actual angel and treat him accordingly.

3. Cloud had just finished burying a dead chocobo (may she rest in peace) he had found when he heard a twig snap from behind him.

He reached for Tsurugis handle only to pause when he saw a bright yellow ball of plumage peek out from behind a tree. The blond let out a small laugh. That was by far the fluffiest chick he had ever seen, hells, it was a perfect circle/

Cloud reached down and picked up the baby, "Hello there, are you lost?"

"Kweh!" The little circle cried out and Cloud was quickly surrounded by three other chicks, all wild and overly fluffy. He absently wondered if this was a new breed while they preceeded to peck at him with little effect. He just scooped them up and drove them to Bills place after a ruddementry search of the nearby area.

That was the end of it.

Until he woke up the next morning with three of the chicks sleeping on top of him. The blond was baffled and got up to search for the fourth, only to find it perched on Denzels head, shifting its balance as to not fall whenever Denzel began nodding off, threatening to fall asleep and plant his face in his breakfast.

If Cloud took a picture-or a dozen-no one would have to know

4. A mysterious ailment has been effecting all the creatures Hojo created using Jenovas cells causing them to run amok. With Cloud missing and AVALANCHE busy dealing with rampaging monsters, Denzel and Marlene sneak off to search for the missing blond, but will they find him in time? Or will Cloud be in the same state as the others?

5. Reno found Cloud at a mall in some nowhere town dressed as a girl. He was originally planning to use this as blackmail material before Cloud came out to him as trans.

Now Reno goes out with him and helps him keep his cover...while disguised of course. Wouldn't want anyone to recognize him and- by extention- Cloud.

Besides, if anyone did recognize them, Cloud had full permission to blame Reno and let him take the fall for it.

6. The SOLDIERS apparently had a "Chocobo protection squad" when Cloud was a trooper. He had no idea why Reeve had insisted he read this annoyingly thick file on it until he realized half way through the first page that it was about him

He was the "precious cutie chocobo that must be protected from the evils of the world"

Cloud wanted to burn it on principle...but was too curious to stop reading. Apparently most of the members were still alive and it seems he owes them a great deal, so maybe he should take Teef and the kids to visit some of them. Maybe bring gift baskets...

7. Cloud cursed as he stepped on the edge of his cloak, sending him tumbling down from the path and deeper into the cavern.

Cloud picked himself up from the ground, grateful his goggles kept any of the dirt and debris from entering his eyes.

He heard something from behind him and whirled around to slash at them with his dagger...except there was no one there.

Poink

Oh no. He looked down at the little creatures, wearing cloaks much like his own, only brown instead of the worn black fabric the professor gave them. The blond looked down sadly at the number tattooed on the back of his hand.

Guess I won't be going to the Reunion after all. Shame. Mother had said Zack would be there as a guest and he really wanted to see him again.

Poink!

One of the little creatures- Tonberry- mother supplied - was clutching the edge of his cloak and attempting to lead him somewhere.

Did...did this creature think himself one of them?!

Aka Numbered! Cloud! gets adopted by Tonberrys

8. Hojo waking up strapped to one of his own tables with Cloud and Sephiroth standing over him, grinning like mad men.

9. Au where Sephiroth escaped as a child and fled into the wild and was eventually taken in by the "dead" professor Gast and his wife Iflana

He was "never found" by the Turks and eventually grew up to be a bad ass vigilante.

Cloud shared a similar fate but kept running instead of being taken in, eventually becoming a vagabond until the fateful day when their paths crossed and the pull of Reunion drew them together

10. Enraged blue eyes locked on to the blond. It may have been nearly a thousand years since Shinra fell, but he would know that man anywhere.

Not just anyone could have destroyed a corporate entity as powerful as Shinra and in the span of a single month no less! But he didn't care much about that, oh no.

He cared about the fact that this lovely creature killed him and his fellow firsts and then had the audacity to just disappear into the sands of time, stripping materia of its power and somehow causing Gaias mako to sink deep beneath the soil, never to be seen by mere mortals again. After it did, monsters began appearing less and less frequently, until they stopped appearing at all.

With Shinra so thoroughly destroyed and no other sustainable power available, information and records deteriorated, leaving Shinras history spotty at best and non existent at worse (probably didn'thelp that records seemed to conveniently disappear). Now Shinra, monsters and magic are all considered fairytales from a bygone era.

He and the others occasionally visit the lake that was once the city of Midgar to light candles in honor of all they had lost. Like hell he was going to let the blond escape again. Genesis opened his phone and made a call, "Seph, I found him."

11. Cloud meeting Female Sephiroth. Shes rather impressed that he's completely unaffected by the boob window. It had been the death of many men before him, that was for certain.

Too bad he wants to kill her, she has a feeling she would have liked having him around. Maybe she'd introduce him to Angel's puppy? She had the peculiar ability to befriend everyone she met

12. Time traveler Sephiroth saves time traveler Cloud from the labs with Genesis and Angeal.

Cloud is wondering why Sephiroth saved him and what he's planning.

Meanwhile, Gen and Geal are freaking out and asking annoyingly sane questions, like "Who is this guy?", "Why do you seem to know him so well?", and my personal favorite "Why is there a man being held captive in the labs?!"

13. Lab Experiment Cloud au where teenager Cloud barrels into Sephiroth in the middle of escaping the tower and asks if Sephiroth is his dad.

Sephiroth stops functioning and he just stands there frozen in a full battle stance while Genesis fights and subsequently captures the teenager, who he then promptly kidnaps.

*later*

Sephiroth bursts into the labs and confronts Hojo, asking if he was a father.

Hojo laughs and says "Of course you are! Do you have any idea how many creatures I've spawned with your DNA?"

Cue Sephs mental breakdown and Genesis's rampage on behalf of his friend.

Angeal does his part by babysitting with some office secretaries

Aka: the trinity raising a broody teen

14. Post OG Nebilheim is super duper haunted and Yuffie is NOT okay with that.

Cloud is even less okay and they talk about it while sitting on the roof of Clouds abandoned house...well, the fake one anyway

15. Everyone gets therapy but its from the perspective of a therapist who is %1000 done with Hojo

Bonus: This is actually questions posed by a friend and it helped spawn number 10.

What would Shinra do if Mako where to suddenly disappear? How would that even happen?

Bonus Bonus: What would be the quickest/ most brutal way to take down Shinra and/or SOLDIER? How would the Firsts feel about being completely owned by a stranger who appeared out of nowhere? (This was also my thinking about 10)

Announcement: Due to lack of interest, list #75 will be the final one. Thank you for reading my ideas. It made me super happy!

[ryuichirou]

Lord God Savior of All Ryu, I ask for but one noble request. lol i just wanna see all your AUs. Like, I always here about them in replies and stuff but I've almost never seen what they actually look like. So if you could just tag pics of them or doodle (they can be super bad 30 sec doodles too, it don't matter to me) them, I would be the happiest, most joyful little shit ever.

Anon!! Thank you for being so interested in our AUs and wanting to learn more about them. It was a very good excuse for us to go through the list of the AUs, doodle them, revisit some of the older ones, etc. So yeah, your wish is granted lol

Here’s the majority of them, we decided not to include those that we’ve barely talked about and thought out... I’ve put tags for those AUs where we have at least something posted. Most of them are something we haven’t even talked about at all and they don’t have a single sketch, but I liked drawing chibis for them way too much. Sorry, I used your ask lol

We have a general tag for our aus and specific ones for some of them, but sometimes an au from here is not tagged separately, so you might have to use this general tag...I tried to fix it, I don’t think I missed anything, so it should be ok now! ;w;

1. Space AU. It’s a story about a space expedition.. which turned out to be not exactly what everyone planned thanks to Erwin. What a commander! 

2. Tribal AU. It’s a story about Eren becoming a part of the tribe where Erwin and Levi live. 

3. Babysitter AU. Levi is a babysitter to Eren and Zeke, unfortunately for Zeke, who’s 17 and not exactly thrilled about being babied. Sometimes there’s kid Erwin too. We’ve never posted anything related to this AU, I think, and I don’t think we will. There’s another AU related to this one, but 19yo Eren from the paths (he has the memory of the manga events) keeps kid Eren company as an invisible ghost, while others think that kid Eren is cursed or something.

4. SnK AU. A classical one, where Eren has dreams about the plot of SnK, but when the story stops progressing, he decides to kidnap Levi to make the plot go on. Erwin finds out later... and keeps Levi in the basement because he wants to know the ending too lmao plus it’s hot.

5. Mines AU. Erwin gathered a team for his wonderful plan to find a treasure, but it’s not like the rest of the team needs to know where they’re really going. Zeke’s particularly terrified to find that out. Despite its name, they spend the majority of time in the forest. Also, there’s a timeskip of 11 years. 

6. AU with Neetwin who’s a history teacher. We don’t tag this one though, it’s not like it’s our AU. So now it’s a Neetwin tag, although one of the drawings is with adult Levi... eh, who cares. 

7. CC AU (cleaning company). Levi works in a cleaning company and cleans up Neetwin and hobo Eren’s apts. They need a lot of work. Yes, they make their apts even dirtier to make Levi spend more time there. 

8. Prison AU. Damn this one is good... we came up with it before reading the timeskip in the manga, so Eren’s appearance doesn’t really match his age, he’s 17 lol Levi is a mafia member who goes to prison because he need to kill one of the inmates (who later became Zeke) on Erwin’s (Levi’s boss) request. Eren’s his personal guard, although Eren works as a regular guard too.

9. King Kong AU. It’s an AU where the Beast Titan is King Kong lmao Zeke is having fun killing dinosaurs... Levi, not so much. Thank Erwin for his wonderful plan of going to this island.

10. Rus AU, basically just characters living in Russia. Because ofc we will have this type of a setting... Damn, I thought we drew this one more often, huh. 

11. Sea AU. Mainly our modern AU, we use it as a base for other modern stuff for the most part. Levi’s getting two boifrond rings, he lives with Erwin, Eren visits them often, Zeke bitches a lot, fun times with and without Zeke, stuff like that. There’s also a subplot (11.5) where Eren gets “kidnapped” by a witch, so Zevi have to find him and bring him back. Titans exist in this AU, Eren and Zeke are titans, and all of them have military training, but Erwin and Levi retired some time ago. We don’t have a tag for just a modern setting, though. 

12. Cult AU. Eren lives on a farm and has a whole village of his followers. He also has cursed animals... and I think we’ve told about some of the plot points in replies. Erwin’s really into all this cult stuff because it affects reality for real, so he asks Levi to follow rituals, although Levi came to ask Eren to go back to normal life and finish the fucking school. 

13. Serial killer AU. Eren’s a serial killer, duh. Never posted anything with this one, unfortunately, but Eren got disappointed in the police when he was a child, so he decided to fix the situation himself, while Erwin and Levi, as a part of a special department, investigate his “fixing”. It also has a time skip. I really need to redraw at least one sketch...

14. Hospital AU. Levi gets into Marley trying to make Eren go back, but it’s not that simple because Eren doesn’t want to lol Basically canonverse with this small change.

15. Hobo AU. Eren and Levi are hobos, Zeke wants his brother to stop living under a fucking bridge. Later Erwin takes both of them under his roof because he really likes Levi, but he can’t leave Eren alone.

16. Doggies AU. AU where Eren’s a wolf and Erwin’s a doggo. Levi got Erwin because he was a retiring trained dog and sniffed enough drugs in his life, and Eren... his “owner” found him on the streets and lied to Levi about Eren being a dog. Later Eren turned into a magnificent beast and now he doesn’t want to leave. There’s also Zeke, but he belongs to Xavier. 

17. AU where Eren wants to become a mangaka. The first post is self-explanatory, although I’d probably make some changes now if I cared enough. There’s also a time skip where Eren ditched his manga and became hobo!Eren. His editor was pissed lol 

18. Scolopendra Eren AU. You know the drill, and I’ve talked about the plot in some of the replies. 

This post doesn’t show up on the tag for some reason.

19. Ghost Eren AU. I should’ve named it combini AU... Anyway, I’ve talked about this one a lot, although poor Erwin gets neglected a little bit lol it’s hard to compete with a ghost when you’re just a mere stalker... but a very invested one. Eren likes Erwin here, they’re vibing on the same malicious-towards-Levi wave. 

20. Shark Eren AU. It’s just for us for funs, Eren’s a shark, and Levi’s there to help him fight depression. Eren later escapes into the sea.

21. Midsommar AU. Levi and Erwin get an invite to go to the village from Yelena, Eren’s a part of a cult who is kinda attracted to one of the newcomers... Such a good movie, we need to draw them properly. Both Yeagerists and Eldians are a part of the cult, they don’t have any specific rules by which I categorised them... Although not all characters are present, and some of them (Jean, I think) are newcomers who will join the cult later. Sorry, I don’t remember much. 

22. Silent Hill AU. It started with Erwin peeking into Levi’s apartment, but now there’s Eren too... We haven’t thought out this one, I’m bad with Silent Hill AUs for some reason. 

23. House Eren AU. Eren’s a house, and we’ve explained how it works too, so just check out the tag. Levi actually lives there with Erwin, but I don’t remember if we’ve mentioned it or decided to skip this info. 

24. Eren pack AU. It’s an AU where Erens of all ages (6 of them, I believe) are a little bit feral, and they have wolf ears and tails, and they live in a specific place and Levi visits them every day and takes care of them. They love Levi. Here’s the only post that survived, and here’s a link for a twitter post which I never got back on tumblr after it got deleted. 

25. Trailer AU. The story is about Levi who has to live with Zeke for a month as his slave because Erwin lost him in a game of cards lol To be fair, Erwin lost a lot of money and their whole flat, and Zeke gave them a choice between that and Levi (he’s horny ok), and Levi agreed. Zeke even put Levi on a chain, although Levi doesn’t even try to escape...

26. Flower shop AU. Eren’s a plant, and he brings death to the whole planet. He keeps Levi alive though, as a treat for himself. We’ve explained some of the stuff in the replies. 

27. Blair Witch AU. It’s pretty much explained in this post, and if you saw the movie, there’s nothing for me to tell you. Everything that’s different from it is in the post lol 

28. Corpse AU. Eren’s a corpse, Levi’s a pathologist who works on difficult and mysterious cases alongside the police. Eren later comes to life along with a couple of other bodies...

29. Antichrist AU. Zevi adopt baby Eren, but Eren’s a fucking satan. He loves Levi, but Zeke... not so much. Zeke loves Eren to death, though. Eren would love to organise that, but first he needs to grow up a little bit. It doesn’t mean that he won’t torture his parents during his journey. And everyone else who interact with them.

30. This one doesn’t have a title, but it’s an AU where kid Eren went missing, and Levi goes into the forest to find him. Levi owns Erwin who’s a good doggo and helps him find Eren. It turns out Eren killed two adult dudes, and he has paths!Eren telling him what to do and how to do it... Paths!Eren has the memory of the canonverse.

31. Zombie apocalypse AU. There’s only one drawing with it though, but basically Levi builds himself a wonderful place to survive the apocalypse, and he keeps Zombie Erwin in the basement in hopes of Hange finding a cure. Then Eren joins just because he can and because Levi’s very awesome. Eren has a boner for the apocalypse and enjoys every second of it. 

32. No title, but Eren was casted away from the canon universe for the rumbling, and now he’s a mythological giant wolf who lives in a deep very old forest. He was very surprised to find out Levi exists in this universe... So he kidnapped him ❤️

33. Halloween AU. You’ve seen this one, it’s a story where Jean, Connie, Sasha and Eren get into the wrong house and find a ritual instead of a Halloween party... So after saving the child who, as it turns out, is not really a victim, they decide to ditch him at Eruri’s place.

34. Okusan AU. Levi’s a housewife, Erwin is a cuckold who’s really into adultery. He invites both Zeke and Eren from time to time to act as Levi’s husbands, and they (Levi and Erwin) almost get caught because the “husband” suddenly came home... Sorry, we’ve read too many doujinshis lol

35. Island AU. Erwin loves sending Levi to dangerous places to get souvenirs for himself, and now it’s time for Levi to get a crystal from a very isolated island full of strict rules in terms of interacting with outsiders. We have a cool idea for a two part drawing (like with our flower shop au), but it’ll take us ages to complete anything at this rate... I have like two sketches on Patreon for now, but damn this AU has so many cool visuals we wanna draw... It’s another cult AU with people living on Paradis (more like one village in the middle of the island), isolated from the rest of the world. They don’t welcome strangers, and Levi has three months to find and steal that crystal, although it’s not that simple.

36. Erewan. Not exactly a full AU, but Erewan’s a cursed animal plushie who kills people and loves Levi a lot. 

37. Cat AU. Everyone’s a cat (duh). Not really our AU, but it has its own tag, and it’s only asks. 

38. Tiny founder Eren AU?? Again, not really our AU, but now it has its own tag. 

I’ve also found the reply where I talk about how characters’ relationships work in some of the AUs, you can check it out too. I thought it was fitting for a master post. 

[aziraphales-library]

Lost Fic #82

1. I lost a fic! It was a soulmate au and through the ages kind of fic and I think crowley was raphael or something but it starts in heaven before the fall and follows pine tree crowley and I think their marks are books and plants or something? I wanted to reread it but forgot to bookmark it! Any help is appreciated. ~anon

2. Hi! First of all, I love this blog, thanks for so many good fics🥰. Second, I'm desperately looking for a fic, it's about how Crowley believes that he's unloved, I remember the sentence "I don't even love myself", and there's a scene where he has an emotional drunken breakdown in front of Aziraphale during the Warlock years. And then after Armageddoff, Crowley tells Aziraphale that even if he Falls, he won't be unloved, like he thinks he is. Thanks!♡ ~ @just-here-doing-something

3. Hiya you guys! Good morning! I wanna ask if someone here knows about some fic who was like a Au Human, where Az and Crow where a old married couple and they already spend a lot of time together, and now is like a routine and they need to remember why they love eachother! . Because I just imagine and I think it could maybe exist! So..... did you guys know some fic like that?¿?¿.... I hope you could help me and thaks for all💗 ~anon

4. hi! im looking for an old pre-show fic that was soemthing about aziraphale and crowley falling out of sync with each other, losing the abilty to anticiapte each other. it was tied to some trauma aziraphale had about ww1 and i think there was a wing-grooming scene. there was a very chilling passage about crowley finding out that aziraphale had been discorporated. thank you! ~anon

5. Hi! I need help because I’m oh so desperate! I found these sentences below from my notebook which I’m sure were from a GO fic I read last year. But I didn’t write down which one. I lost it! Do these words ring any bell?

“But you know me, I'm happiest with a book and a chair. Always have been.”

Always will be, he added internally. There was a ceiling on that happiness. It was lovely but it was tame. Never too bright or dangerous, never risky. It would never let him down. But it could only lift him so high.

What if you’re not reenacting an ancient myth at all? What if you’re living your actual life and you’re not a character and there’s no plot and there's no ending? What if there are no metaphors for how this, right here, right now, should feel?

What if you could make a choice?

Your blog seems to be the best place to ask. Also, I’d like to thank you all for this amazing place. I’ve found so many great fic’s here. ~@bliphany-sherylwang

If you know one of these fics, please leave the number in your response!

~ Mod G

[the-darklings]

*kicks down your door* Can I get a whole alphabet with the psycho husband please?? (Not the sandy one thanks) 🤡

asking for lucien & trash-talking the elder? iconic behaviour. so this is for npfh!lucien/reader but the inbox still open for other characters/ships (or combos)

ADORABLE (what do they find especially endearing?)

endearing isn't a word often associated with Lucien but if there's one thing he might later down the line find somewhat amusing and kinda cute it's the willingness to oppose him, especially in a physical sense. there's little chance to win against him but deep down he might find that willingness to not back down cute/admirable, even if it's likely to come out as sardonic on his part

BARGAIN (how do they get their way?)

well, he's good at getting his way, lets just say that. towards others he's usually downright menacing but Lucien has a presence that's frightening on a good day, much less if he's actually angry. in a relationship he's def more maniable but not by much. usually if he sees something has to go one way, he's stuck in that mindset for a while, he's too individualistic for anything else which can def cause arguments/disagreements

COMMUNICATE (what is their love language?)

physical touch is a big one for him. because he allows very few lay hands on him after the kind of life he's had, so him taking pleasure from your touch is the biggest and surest way to know he cares and wants you. be it a gentle touch (rare but possible) or meaner more rough handling (careful enough not to hurt but only just), it's his secondary language of communication since he's not the talkative one especially about feelings

DEVOTED (how do they show they're serious?)

you know. just... trust me, you really know. Lucien makes no exceptions for anyone (except clara/v) so if you're his person the mere way he looks at you is different, the air around you for him is different. a massive cat that hates everyone else purring in your lap energy. there's also the fact that he actually seeks you out while he usually very much prefers to be completely alone.

ENCHANTED (what first caught their eye?)

it's unlikely the first impression was a positive either from his side or yours, or both. he doesn't really see or take note of others often. people are more background noise for him after being locked up for so long so he's still learning in that regard. but one thing you would def need with Lucien is perseverance and patience, so that dedication not to give up on him despite the prickly edges is likely the first thing he would take note of. physically you can be as beautiful as you want, he won't care about that. lust for him is nothing more than an itch. you could try and wear him down and get him to fuck you but don't expect it to mean anything to him or for him to come back for seconds, he doesn't operate that way.

FLIRTY (how do they flirt?)

his flirting is honestly more sly, mean-edged wordplay. he's not the flirty type to begin with so don't expect anything flustering (unless you're more into the rough-spoken/meaner wordplay) but you being clingy after he returns from a long period away would certainly prompt a few comments.

GENTLE (how do they provide comfort?)

again, not particularly amazing with words, and even worse with comfort. he's not the mopey type and will not sit around handing you tissues. if someone hurt you? they're dead, simple as. but if it's being upset by some outside factor, he would likely have a hard time wrapping his mind around it (more so a consequence of his lifestyle/upbringing) so the more likely course of action would be a distraction. whether this is physical or activity-based is up to you.

HOT (what is their favourite look on their partner?)

something easy for him to rip off your body, also enjoys you naked in nothing but his shirts. he's really tall (like the man is 6.1 1/5) so anything of his usually hangs down to your tighs. he also likes the easy access : )

INTIMATE (what kind of date do they like?)

he's not really the dating type. spending time together in silence or murmurs of quiet conversation is usually as close you come to a date. sometimes, if needed for a job for the pit, you might tag along if he needs to go pay a visit at a club etc. then maybe some dancing. he's not half bad at it, either. but he def enjoys watching you if you dance, his eyes are unlikely to slip away once.

JEALOUS (how jealous are they? how do they show it?)

oh, he gets jealous alright. if you're the exception, you're the exception. he won't share you with anyone except clara but that's a topic for another time. he's not about to go alpha male type but the air around him is chilling. he trusts you (if you managed to wear him down enough to be with him, he knows you're not some flimsy wet wipe who's easily swayed) but the other party can def get into trouble. also most certainly expect some rough sex that evening, he's far greedier but equally so more attentive.

KARMA (how do they apologize?)

he has a hard time apologising. not because he can't accept the fact that he's done something wrong/is prideful but mainly because things people do get upset about often seem so trivial to him. again, more so a byproduct of the life he's had opposed to any actual unwillingness to say sorry. actual words would likely only leave his lips if something major has happened.

LUST (favourite thing about their partner?)

willingness to stick by him because he knows full well he's not the easiest crayon in the box to colour your life with. physically, likely laugh and durability : )

MEMORY (what's their favourite memory together?)

likely the first kiss but for different reasons. for you, it's a victory and confirmation you're feelings are not once sided after a sizable struggle to get closer to him while for him it's likely the first time in years he's felt a physical draw that goes beyond just wanting to scratch an itch. also, first person besides clara he felt anything other than indifference or hatred towards. the memory itself is a searing thing infused with passion so it's certainly one to remember.

NORMAL (what does a normal day look like for them?)

there's no such thing as "normal" with him. Lucien isn't around often (at least not initially or for a while) so time together is savoured. Lucien tends to wake up early (he doesn't sleep much in general) and does long morning workouts to burn off the edge of violence constantly swimming in his blood. the most likely way to wake up in the mornings if he's around is to feel his mouth and hand on your or hear the shower start. he's not opposed to you joining him.

OBVIOUS (how do they show they're together?)

while Lucien is not the most PDA-friendly person, he would eventually get used to someone's presence at his side and, as such, not move away from any physical touch outright. nor does he mind - and even prefers - to touch you occasionally in public. these displays are usually only limited to when you're home at the pit of vipers, however, as there's still safety and prying eyes to consider.

PEACE (how do they relax together?)

usually in his room, regardless of the actual activity. Lucien enjoys fresh air though (old lingering unease about being trapped between walls) so expect to spend a fair amount of time upon the Pit of Viper's roof terrace and surrounded by clara's plants, flowers and herbs. there's bustling sounds of the city around you but it's like a small corner of paradise that's almost kissing the skyline.

QUIET (what can they do together without talking?)

Lucien enjoys training a fair amount to help himself focus and burn energy off, so he would be happy for you to join in or simply watch. in the same vein, he doesn't enjoy silences (despite not being very talkative himself) so he does listen to a fair amount of music; anything to fill the quiet. he would be happy to try some of your hobbies eventually too, as long as they're not too irritating.

ROMANTIC (what kind of gifts do they give?)

once more not typical boyfriend material where you can be expected to be pampered and showered with gifts. presents from lucien are few and far in between (and pretty much non-existent during initial paces of relationship) he doesn't believe loyalty can be expressed in presence, and loyalty is higher for him on the scale than love. that being said, eventually, you can def expect one or two things down the line. they're more like to be meaningful and have meaning. likely a show that though he's not the most chatty-cat out there, he always listens and nothing escapes his notice, especially when it's you.

SLEEP (how do they sleep together?)

with you likely tucked under his chin or his arm an iron band around your waist holding you to him. this does take a while to fully bloom into effect though since initially he can be a bit callous in this regard.

THOUGHTFUL (what small things do they do for each other?)

the big one Lucien appreciates more than most is the ability to recognise when he needs space because his mindset is in a dark place. for you, it's the smaller things like finding covers pulled up over your naked body although the other side of the bed is long since cool. or how despite you both knowing he needs to leave, the ever-building sense that he lingers for as long as he can each time, as if some part of him isn't happy to be leaving as it once was.

UNITY (what would their wedding be like?)

not the marrying type. just straight up. again believes loyalty is expressed in a different sense and his devotion is concrete, so he sees little reason to attach any labels or papers on what you have.

VIBRANT (what always makes them smile?)

very little does. with what he's been through his smiles are elusive and incredibly hard to come back (unless they're more insincere/sarcastic things because then they're more common) but way down the line there might be few instances when you feel his mouth stretching against one side of your head if you rush to greet him after one of his returns. they're private and tucked away from anyone's eyes, however.

WHISPER (what pet names and compliments do they use?)

"pretty girl" : )

XOXO (how do they kiss?)

except bruising and hard, very intense. lip bites. few chances to draw breath because he's on you at once. he very much enjoys it if its intensity returned. scratch those nails down his neck, rip at his hair - he welcomes all of it.

YEARN (what do they do when they're apart?)

you likely have plenty to do around the Pit even if not officially one of the Vipers, and he's away making sure no enemies can blindside the Pit which more often than not means murder. minds mutually wonder towards each other often though.

ZOOM (what's their favourite picture together?)

most likely a picture either Step or Noah managed to grab of you together in a little Pit gathering/dinner. Lucien is likely facing away from the camera, unimpressed by whatever is happening, and you're caught mid-laugh. casual at first glance until you look closer and note how you're leaning into him and his head is lowered towards you, his arm half curled around you.

[fiddlepickdouglas]

Viva Las Vegas, Pt. 22 - Agreed

Summary: Sunset Curve Alive AU, Willex, what does he want?, 2.9k

@trevor-wilson-covington is the bestie who makes these lovely edit, we stan supportive friends

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19, Part 20, Part 21

“How did you get in?”

Every ounce of blood in Willie’s veins pulsed as it coursed through his trembling limbs. He could feel his mind rushing to put together a defense. There was nothing he had prepared - he’d never thought to prepare for this. Any illusion of freedom and safety fell like a vase onto a marble floor. There was fire in the room and Willie was nothing but a piece of paper.

“Persuasion,” Caleb stated obscurely. Sheldon leapt from his lap and toward his owner, glad to be free of the strange hold he’d been in. Willie remained lost for words as he watched Caleb turn and look at his sketches on the wall in a similar fashion as the time before. It made him clench his teeth and nearly begin huffing in anger.

“It wasn’t all that difficult to find you, especially considering your friends aren’t as good at keeping secrets as they believe.”

“Don’t you dare touch anything,” Willie seethed. It was already unsettling to know he’d sat there holding Sheldon for who knew how long.

Caleb turned back to him and chuckled darkly as he shook his head.

“I just wanna talk!” he said in that strange, business-like charisma he was so good at switching to. “I knew you would refuse if I asked nicely, so pardon the intrusion, but humor me, won’t you William?”

“It’s Willie.”

Sighing, Caleb only looked at him expectantly. Planted where he stood, Willie listened to his heart thump against his chest. A surge of loathing came over him as he looked at the man across the room. He wanted nothing to do with Caleb so why should he be forced to? Staring at him, despising  every second of his presence, he realized one thing: the longer he made Caleb wait, the longer the man would remain in his apartment. The only way to get rid of him was to let him speak. Anyway, he wasn’t sure he could stand the stalemate they were in anymore.

“What do you want?” he asked, not toning down the anger simmering under everything. His entire body vibrated with it.

“An agreement,” Caleb said. “See, legally I’m still your guardian. Things got a little messy a few months back, but they never got handled properly.”

“You said I was dead!” Willie bursted aloud.

Caleb held up his hands in defense.

“A mistake I won’t ever repeat. But you see, that’s only what I told your friends. It was much easier than explaining that you were missing, which was the official statement I gave back in Vegas.”

Willie squinted as he tried to understand what he was being told. He’d thought for sure Caleb would’ve claimed he was dead so he didn’t have to deal with everything.

“They found no body in the shed, so how do you think that looks on me?” Caleb continued. “Actually it looks bad for both of us: it means you committed arson, which is a felony with some pretty terrible consequences; and I am now the guardian of a runaway criminal who should’ve been able to keep his kid in line. Social services won’t get off my back, but that’s nothing compared to what you will face if you’re caught.”

Those words made Willie want to shrink away from existence. He knew Caleb was right. It was going to be impossible to prove his innocence if he ever had to face charges. Wait, was Caleb going to make those charges against him now?

“So what’s the agreement?” he asked warily. Fear seemed to fill every inch of him like a weight. Watching as Caleb stood and approached him, he went cold.

“You come back with me,” Caleb said as he moved toward him. “No hard feelings, no charges. We give them a story about how you were taken and I managed to find you -  I have plenty of enemies without a solid alibis I can put the blame on - and you’re free. I let you work in my club, and as long as you follow what I say,” -  Caleb pressed a finger into Willie’s chest for emphasis - “then you won’t ever have to worry about any jail time and social services can stop wringing my neck. We both get a clean slate. I’m offering you complete protection, which I should say is extremely generous after everything you’ve put me through.”

Willie looked back into Caleb’s eyes, trying to find a weakness, or something he could take advantage of. There was nothing. Caleb had thought through everything and more. A sudden nudge against his leg made him look down at Sheldon, who was mewing and peering up at him with his big eyes, like he knew something was wrong. It hit him that if he said no there was no saying what would happen to Sheldon.

“Why do you even want me back?” he wondered in frustration.

Caleb took in a deep breath before looking at him thoughtfully.

“Because, William. There’s one thing you need to know and it’s that I win. I have the power and I’m not letting someone like you take from me without paying it all back. You think you found freedom just because someone turned up with pretty blonde hair and sweet green eyes and made you smile?”

The dig at Alex made Willie clench his fists tighter and press his lips together.

“Oh,” Caleb said, tutting at Willie’s response. “You’ll forget about him. He’ll forget about you. It won’t take long. Especially when he realizes you didn’t stay around to fight for his side when I take his band to court.”

His whole body tensed and Willie shook his head.

“No!” he gasped. Tears quickly spilled onto his cheeks. “You can do what you want with me, but leave Alex and his friends alone!”

“Too late,” Caleb said, unbothered as he grabbed his coat from the chair. “That’s not part of the deal.” He pulled on his coat and moved toward the door. “I’ll let you decide, but the clock is ticking.”

As he made his way out, Willie stood in defeat. Frankly, there was no other decision he knew to make. He had no power to protect Alex if Caleb made charges against him for arson and he actually did go to prison. Before the man could get too far, Willie ran after him.

“Wait!” he cried.

Caleb stood at the top of the stairs and peered down at him, raising an eyebrow and listening intently.

“I’ll go.” He hated hearing the words come out of his mouth, but he had to. “Just please go easy on Alex and his band. They only went as far as they did because of things I told them.”

Nodding, Caleb considered his words. Willie bowed his head, the shame taking over.

“I’ll be here tomorrow evening,” Caleb told him. “Be ready.” And with that, he turned and disappeared into the night.

Willie stood in his doorway and felt everything crashing down upon him. All the things he’d worked for, all the things he’d made for himself here - they were as good as ash in the flames. There was a great knot in his chest that trapped out all hopes of ever getting any of it back. Before he knew it, Willie was heaving and gasping for air on the floor of his apartment, dizzy and distraught. Fresh hot tears came faster than he could clear them away, and none of it helped untie the vicious knot that kept growing and eating away at every sense of happiness.

He hated himself. Willie hated how foolish he was for never thinking through anything and getting himself in such a mess. All he could do was imagine what could’ve been if he’d just waited things out. He could’ve aged out and gotten away from Caleb peacefully. Could’ve found Alex when they had an album out and toured in Vegas again. He would be worth more to Alex like that than he was now, at least. This wasn’t what Alex deserved; not some poor, directionless, impulsive coward who would never overcome his past.

Still the thought of betraying Alex wracked him with sobs. What Caleb had said about him hadn’t been fair - they were more than that. And even with everything Willie had just done, he didn’t think they’d forget each other so fast. The way Alex had come right back to him after they found each other again was proof of that. Willie would never forget him, for sure, even if things did go badly. Alex had been the start of the best thing Willie ever had.

He loved Alex.

At some point the sobs and shaking faded away with all the energy he had left and he fell asleep, Sheldon curled up beside him. It wasn’t until some early morning hour that he woke again and moved to his bed. To no surprise at all, he was already having that dream again - the one where everything burned. Normally he would’ve stayed awake trying to ward it off with something that made him happy, but there was nothing left that wasn’t tainted with pain. Maybe if he’d had Alex there to hold him and tell him he was okay, but he was alone.

For the rest of the night he went between fitful sleep and panicked waking. He wasn’t sure what time it was when he heard a knock on the door, but judging by the light through the small window in the kitchen area, it was likely close to noon. Another knock sounded and he tried to shake all the tiredness away and straighten up his appearance before opening the door.

“Alex?” he murmured groggily at the sight of the beautiful blonde boy at the door. Looking at him, so perfect, so pure and sweet, made his heart crack in two.

“Hey, is it a bad time for me to come?” Alex asked. “You said stop by whenever, and I didn’t have a way to warn you so - ”

“Alex.” He couldn’t think of anything else to say. How could he explain it all? There was no way he could possibly tell Alex he was leaving him behind and going back to the man who had caused so much hurt. If only he could steal him away, too, but he would never want to subject him to life with Caleb. He had to figure out how to say goodbye without letting Alex down.

“Are you okay, Willie?” Alex was saying, brows knit together with worry.

Taking in a deep breath, Willie thought quickly for a response.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “Um...something came up, and I need to be ready as soon as possible. And I just woke up.” He placed a hand on his face, partially because he was still dog-tired but also to avoid crying again. He hoped it looked like he was just sorry to change plans.

“Oh, I’m sorry, that sucks,” Alex said, his posture drooping with disappointment. Nothing about this made sending him away any easier.

“I’m kind of unsure how this whole weekend is gonna look, since things changed,” Willie said, trying to keep his voice steady. “I really wish I didn’t have to do it.” He meant that with every fiber of his being, even though Alex couldn’t have understood.

“I get it,” Alex responded patiently. “I don’t have to be in the studio anymore but I remember what that’s like. Stuff happens.” Always speaking with his hands, the way Willie would never forget. He could watch it all day, even if Alex weren’t in a good mood.

“I really did want to see you,” he said, pouring as much sincerity as he could into those words. Alex’s eyes peered into his with softness and warmth. Willie couldn’t get over how beautiful he looked, with the sun at the right angle to make him glow like an angel, and the discreet curl at the corner of his lips, eyes gleaming as if there wasn’t anything wrong at all in that moment.

“I know,” Alex said, almost quietly.

Unprompted, Willie’s hand brushed back a strand of hair hanging in Alex’s face, and then rested on Alex’s cheek. In that moment, there was something so delicate about him and Willie couldn’t stand knowing how soon that would break. For a while Alex simply stared back into his eyes and there came that feeling again. The one Willie had felt outside of the Pearl, and countless times afterward, telling him that he and Alex were more than just two cute strangers. 

He pulled Alex into a kiss, and they held each other as it deepened, the world falling away for a moment. Maybe he could say the proper things this way. If Willie could do that for Alex, maybe it would hurt less for both of them. All he hoped was for him to understand that everything Willie was doing was for him, given the options that he had. Or at least he could feel the sweetness of Alex’s love just one more time.

As they let go, he saw the look in Alex’s eyes. The surprise, the enjoyment, the confusion, the worry. There were no waves pulling him ashore, keeping him safe, calming his worries. Those were gone for good. They caressed each other’s faces and Willie felt Alex’s thumb rub across his cheek.

“I told you I missed you,” Willie said, finally gaining the strength to give him a goofy smirk.

Alex chuckled.

“I could tell,” he said, the smile on his face growing wider as he lowered his hands. That was a good thing. “But I guess we’ll have to reschedule.”

Willie simply nodded.

“Well, then, I won’t hold you up.” 

“Okay. Bye,” Willie said, trying to sound as casual as possible. He bit his lip to somehow keep everything together.

“Bye.” Alex pecked him on the cheek and then made his way up the steps, but turned before he’d made it to the top. “I’ll call you!”

Willie nodded again and sucked in a sharp breath. He watched Alex head back down the sidewalk until he was no longer in sight. That had been goodbye. It had been surreal, like none of it was really happening. Maybe he could wake up and everything would be just fine, after all. He knew that wasn’t likely, but it was a nice thought. Crying again was no use now. He had too much to get done before Caleb arrived. Sighing heavily, feeling both halves of his heart sitting in a pit in his chest, Willie went inside to feed Sheldon.

Mere hours later, he sat in the passenger seat of Caleb’s car. It was already dark. Caleb had really thought through everything, up to the point of bringing a trailer to pack Willie’s desk, dresser, and mattress, as well as the rest of his stuff. Sheldon was in the carrier he’d gotten from Bessie, resting in the back seat. All Willie felt up to doing was watching the desert pass by, stretching out in every direction, like a wide open cage.

The memory of riding in the truck ran across his mind. There was a sick irony that rose from the pit of his stomach. Willie remembered wondering about the difference between Caleb and his real father. Who was the better man? The one who had left him behind or the one at the steering wheel to his left? Now he was certain he knew the answer.

“Don’t worry about where you’ll sleep,” Caleb was saying. “Everything from your handiwork has been cleaned up. It took no time to get a new shed in place.”

Willie didn’t bother responding, keeping his gaze out the window toward the black sky above. He didn’t have to talk. They weren’t friends; they didn’t even like each other. At least he didn’t have to pretend anymore, so long as it didn’t get him in trouble. Any moment outside of working at the club would be a quiet rebellion, and that was nothing Caleb could take away. It would maybe take some time, but he’d get out again.

He remembered going to the record store and telling Kyle that he had to quit.

“What?” Kyle had replied, unable to believe what he was hearing. “You can’t be serious, man.”

“I have to move,” was all Willie could explain. “I can’t stay where I’m at anymore and I only have one place to go.”

The look Kyle had given him, the way he hadn’t expected such a change, somehow hadn’t hurt. Willie almost felt like he deserved more anger from Kyle. He hadn’t been able to tell Alex as much and face his reaction, so there was a sort of imbalance. It was like he needed someone to yell in his face and tell him he was being stupid, or that he was absolutely being the coward everyone thought he was for taking Caleb’s offer. A punch or a slap would’ve been welcome.

Instead Kyle had told him the job was his whenever he wanted to come back. He’d gotten sympathy, and a ‘hope everything’s okay, man.’ Sitting inside the car presently, Willie still didn’t understand. But it no longer mattered. The one optimistic thought came that at least he could visit Escobar again.

The hours stretched in sync with the darkness, and for a while, Willie had passed out. He began to stir again just as Caleb was approaching the freeway exit back into Vegas, and the nighttime lights flooded into the window. It had really been almost five months since he’d last been there. It seemed like forever, but sounded so short. Somehow, Willie already knew what he would do the first chance he could get out.

He was going up the Stratosphere and he was going to scream.

[apparentlyaswarmofbees]

I've been asking around this one question for a few people now, because I like hearing what people have to say about it...

So I wouldn't mind it if you shared a list on who's your favourite (from Most to Least) from the Obey Me! Crew (Brothers & Formally Undatables)...

Also, please feel free to ramble on about why you placed them in each space...

O-oh dear-

First off, you spoil an infodumper like me too much lol (I am happy sfjsjjdjn) and I am going to go overboard (and changing the order of things) for my own pleasure.

And so...

Second off...

Gladly

Here is My List of LEAST to MOST Favorite of The Obey Me Boys ^^

That I just did on spot because I didn't have one ready because it's hard for me to rate the characters as they all have their traits and even their flaws add something good to the character but I'll be dammed if I don't enjoy deep frying my brain for fun.

Please take note I am taking this literally and all characters in here are FAVORITES, just some will be more and some less, which mean I LIKE ALL OF THEM. Yes, I have changed my opinion on a certain two characters I have said to not like, and I am not ashamed to say I was incorrect.

So let's start this off with the right foot shall we?

#12 | Diavolo

He is still infuriating I won't deny that. And I won't pity him though he is a tragic character that is so lonely he overrates any kind of affection, that doesn't know how to interact with others without exagerating, that has no one to give an oposing opinion because of his status and so it's increasingly hard for him to learn to make good decisions, and with his goal to unite the realms I could almost say he is naive. He's a bit of a puppy always wanting some pets, but as a not dog person, I don't have enough in me to be always playing, so to me an overly needy puppy can end up getting annoying, though of course, I can't help it but at least give it a few pets before going my way.

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#11 | Simeon

Yes in the end I actually liked him all along but was just in denial after I thought about it. Simeon is a good character, he's a dick even though he's an angel and he doesn't bother to be any different, he definetelly has his own set of rules he follows and I believe he would be a Chaotic Good just like me. He's well made. And as much as he is pretty unlikeable, the mystery, the questions, the fact that he has always been the same we just didn't get to interact with him much to see it, to have a naturally asshole character put down some of his walls to help us even if part out of possible self interest. And of course he's also fun. Simeon is charming, and I have come to appreciate all of him.

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#10 | Luke

A kid. A brat and a tsundere. I Absolutely love the character development and it's extremelly adorable. He's now officially our guardian angel and I love that. He was just a prick that I rolled my eyes so hard whenever I encountered him in the game and now he's just a lil' bratty brother that is fun to tease and squish the cheeks off. He's a really nice kid in the end, just previously ignorant, but still nice because he was willing to learn and change despise saying he didn't want to. I personally can understand Luke as I was pretty alike as a kid. Again, he's a nice kid I would gladly buy some balloons and cotton candy for.

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#9 | Barbatos

The number 1 buttler, he's just, a good dude l o l. He has his distance from everyone due to his position but that doesn't make him any less interesting. He is mysterious and powerful and yet he feels, so chill. He's also fun and actually has a pretty soft personality in which he knows exactly when to switch off to strict. He's a character I respect and wish existed in real life so I could be friends with (╥﹏╥).

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#8 | Solomon

Shady sorcerer is actually a pretty good guy though mildly insane. He is actually responsable (and takes it pretty seriously seeing he's basically the representative of the human realm). He's kind though again, mildly insane, and diligent. He may have terrible food but the fact he does it with good intentions is pretty adorable, he just likes to follow his instincts and be spontaneous because he likes new and exciting things. He probably has quite a bit of angst to him due to his not only immortality in not aging but also by not being able to be killed but even so it feels that, contrary to how many human immortals end, he still hasn't lost the light in his eyes and can still enjoy things and enjoy being alive, and that is most likely thanks to other immortal/long living beings such as demons.

.

#7 | Lucifer

Yep. Lucifer is actually a really fucking great character, he's fond of his family, hard worker to the point of destroying himself, self punisher, elegant, pretty af, cute at times. But not exactly my most favorable cup of tea. Seeing I can see through his bullshit all his posessiveness, all his pettiness, all his actions just becomes ridiculous and annoying. And theres also a problem with the fact we always end up submiting to him, I don't want that. For every time he disrespects me I want him to kneel and kiss my feet. His pride collides with my own, and his decisions do too. But even so he is very reliable and so he has my respect for that, I do want to hug him and tell him he deserves nice things and that he can rest now this is not the war anymore you don't have to bow down to anyone anymore you didn't doom your brothers but freed them instead, but then again he makes bad decisions because he has zero braincells for emotional intelligence and that pisses me off and makes me just want to yeet him off a cliff. Yeah Lucifer, I would gladly kick you in the balls with ♡°.•love•.°♡.

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#6 | Leviathan

Surprising is it not? But it's true, I often focus on Levi due to him not only being pretty alike to me but also because he's related to many things I have been familiar with since I was born: animes and games. His anxiousness is relatable, the outcastness is relatable, the awkwardness is relatable, the obsession is relatable, the references are relatable, the infodumping is relatable. He's very relatable to me, but not my most favorite, and all because of his envy. He's a guilt tripper, and though I am long immune to it in real life due to extreme exposure to it from my family, it still is enough for his rank to go down. I still love him though, but mostly as the character that represents the thing I am most familiar with in life: myself.

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#5 | Beelzebub

Big puppy, he's the type of guy who will talk to plants. He has big and strong hands that could crush anything and yet he will do his best to handle some things gently. He's chill and non judgemental, loyal to the core. Once you win him over, you win him over, he would die for you. He is purposely childish at times and it's cute. He is amazing. I wish I could enjoy eating like he does. He's the only character I truly feel hurt for, as he is deeply inflicted by survivor's guilt and it just pains me I can't comfort him because he isn't real ಥ‿ಥ

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#4 | Belphegor

Hoh boy. The brat. The fandom itself is pretty divided on their liking of Belphie and it's understandable lol. But I personally understand Belphie. To hide hurt behind anger, hate and spite, to turn to agression to prove a point but you end up just fucking up. But the guilt and wish to fix things can lead one to giving themselves up, and so it becomes a constant battle of getting close but not too close for the sake of both parties involved. I get this boy more than I wish I ever did, and that's why he's high on the ranking. And because he's cute ngl.

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#3 | Satan

H o h b o y, another one that reminds me of myself, only it's the aftermath of the above where one bottles up all their negative feelings because being emotional is not being rational and who the fuck even wants to not be rational. Where you have no fucking idea who you are because all you know is to stomp your feet and scream for the sake of making an statement but that just proved all your enemies a point so now you turn to smarts to prove yourself. To make others angry, to make them frustrated and infuriated with your knowledge because you want to prove yourself, be reconized for who you are, to be someone and also, hopefully, change other people's ways, to make them understand they are wrong because you deep down actually want to get along with them. Yeah, Satan is high on the list, and it's also because he likes detectives uwu.

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#2 | Asmodeus

What a fucking icon he is I love him okay. It frustrates me when people use cheating as a angst prompt for him as he's obviously someone who just isn't made for monogamy, and he's pretty honest and I feel he would have nothing to hide and would talk it all out with all his partners. He's a sweetheart that works hard on daily basis and hour after hour to mantain an image, he likes the attention, he wants to be loved. If anyone mildly self centered ever told me 'I love you as much as I love myself' I would marry them on spot. Asmo is just incredibly sweet and I love all his affection and respect him for all the work he does to make a good impression and look up to that self confidence even though most of it is actually just him trying to convince himself. Also perfect example off gender is an ilusion lol.

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#1 | Mammon

Yep, our number 1, The Great Mammon, the most lovable dumbass that has been by our side from the start though with a bit of whining. This man is perfect. He has incredible self control over his powers, and as someone who used to be an angel to be able to use money all you want bro. I wouldn't feel bad either. He's our protector from start to end to the point he focuses on us instead of the queen in the Dame event. He isn't stupid just has selective focus just like me! And all the people with ADHD and many other neurodivergents. When he wants something he does is perfectly and diligently, he just needs the right push at the right time. He's the most good of all demons and even angels and he loves all his brothers deeply, he is always there to support everyone to the point of even allowing himself to be the punching bag for the sake of them not turning too much on one another. He was literally our first SSR card, our first call, our first pact, our first and the best. He IS great, truly.

[ladyartemesia]

OREOs... and Electroshock Couples Therapy

You and infuriating precinct playboy Jeon Jungkook go undercover to lure out a killer targeting engaged couples. Literally nothing goes according to plan...

Genre: Fluff/Comedy/Suspense

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Trope: Enemies/Rivals to Lovers ~ Fake Dating

AU Type: Loosely Brooklyn 99 (with a hint of Smallville) Police Detectives AU

Word Count: 3315

Rating/Warnings: (PG-15) kidnapping with threat of harm (not graphic) ~ mature themes and innuendo ~ light/implied smut

“Your delusions have run away with you again.”

“My delusions? Now I know it was you. You’re even more insufferably pretentious when you’re trying to hide something.”

Jungkook grinned.

“Brilliant theory, Detective. Shame there’s no way to prove it.”

“You could confess,” you fumed tightly.

His grin became positively gleeful. You were this close to tasing him.

“Do you genuinely expect me to confess that I ate your last Oreo?”

“It was a violation of human decency.”

“Yes, and when we find the culprit, I’ll be sure to tar and feather him.”

“You’re not taking this seriously, Jeon.”

“Now, whatever gave you that idea?” Jungkook asked as he folded an arrest report into a paper airplane.

You were saved from responding when Captain Kim barked both your names across the precinct.

“Detectives _______ and Jeon. My office. Now.”

Namjoon sighed as he watched the two of you bicker all the way to the door.

It’s like having extra children. 

“We’ve got a case. Commissioner marked it top priority and you two are taking lead as of right now.”

Your forehead wrinkled in confusion and Jungkook raised a single curious brow.

“But Jimin is my –”

“Why not Hoseok?”

Namjoon raised a hand to silence you both. You weren’t teaming with your regular partners. Questions were to be expected.

“Jimin’s staying on that trafficking case while you work with Jeon. We need to draw out a perp targeting engaged couples. Thus far, all of his victims have been a male and a female, mid-to-late twenties. You two fit the profile, so...” he grinned, “congratulations on your engagement.”

 🕵🏻‍♀️👰🏻🤵🏻🕵🏻‍♂️ 

As special cases went, this one was … truly bizarre.

The victims always disappeared a few weeks before their wedding. Some couples were abducted, then later returned to their homes or vehicles with no memory of the previous 48 hours.

Others turned up dead in alleyways.

Ligature marks and burns on the bodies indicated the use of restraints and electrocution. After some digging, you discovered that all five couples visited the same jeweler and the same bakery in the process of planning their wedding.

Jungkook nibbled the tip of his pen, absently tugging his curls as he scanned the case files.

It wasn’t sexy.

It wasn’t. 

“Looks like this is the best lead we have. Even though some of them ended up choosing other bakeries and jewelers – they all came through those shops.” He tossed the pen across his desk and stretched back in his chair – causing his shirt to strain over his chest. 

You gulped.

Is it, like, hot in here? -your eyes lingered momentarily on his biceps- Why is maintenance messing with the thermostat right now? People are trying to work-

“Hello? Earth to Detective Space Cadet.” Jungkook waved a tattooed hand in your face. “Are we going with my idea?”

He had an idea? I must have missed it during that brief bout of thirstiness hot flash. 

“I – uh – was analyzing some of the victim profiles …-in my head-” you paused to loosen your collar – which was suddenly strangling you, “-so could you just run it by me once more?” 

Detective Jeon raised a single eyebrow.

“Daydreaming about me again?”

Yes.

“No. I was actually daydreaming about my last Oreo,” you leaned forward with an eyebrow raise of your own. “Really, it meant so much more to me than you do.” 

He laughed and you felt yourself smiling (against your better judgement). 

“Always so cold, Detective. I think you may have hurt my feelings.”

“Impossible,” you sighed airily, “we both know you don’t have feelings.”

“Says who?”

“Gina from Forensics.”

“Fine. Who else?”

“Wendy from Missing Persons.”

“Doesn’t count. I was very drunk.”

“Jimin’s sister.”

Jungkook winced. 

“Is he still sore about that?”

“I wouldn’t accept food or beverages from him any time in the next decade.” 

“That’s fair.”

It was your turn to laugh and Detective Jeon had the decency to blush. He recovered quickly, however.

“As I recall, there was a lot of feeling between those lovely ladies and myself.”

You rolled your eyes.

“Spare me Jeon. If I want to learn about baboon mating habits, I’ll watch Animal Planet.”

Jungkook hissed in feigned pain and clasped his hand over his heart.

“Ouch. Direct hit.”

“I am the top marksmen in the precinct.”

“Hey” he sat up – abruptly serious, “We’re tied.”

“For now.”

“Until I beat you.”

“Until you are beaten by me.”

He bit his lip and grinned – crinkling his nose in a way that was unfairly adorable. 

“Kinky.”

“Oh-KAY,” you swiveled away in your wheelie chair and threw a paper clip at him (which he caught handily). “You were telling me about your plan?”

“Yes. While you were daydreaming about me-” (you snorted at that, but he pretended not to hear) “-I suggested we couple up and head to those shops. Maybe our perp will take the bait.”

You shrugged, “Sounds good.”

Gathering your coat and bag, you tossed a quick glance over your shoulder - already halfway out the door. 

“I’ll swing by my locker and change into a dress or something. Meet me by the front gate in 10 minutes.”  

Jungkook followed after you - catching up as you entered the elevator.

“I noticed you never denied being kinky.”

His grin was seven different types of sinful and if you were even the tiniest bit weaker, you would have cuffed him to the lift rail and addressed his statement explicitly.

You, however, were no Gina from Forensics.

Instead, your features twisted into a knowing smirk as you steered yet another moment between yourself and the delicious infuriating Jeon Jungkook into safe and familiar territory.  

“Impressive,” you drawled cheekily as the doors began to close, “I can see why they made you a detective.” 

 🕵🏻‍♀️👰🏻🤵🏻🕵🏻‍♂️

The bakery was a famous family-owned establishment near the center of town. Its current owner, Kim Seokjin, had been crowned the city’s most eligible bachelor for 5 years running. 

The man in question was, at the moment, personally campaigning for your vote.

“Now open wide,” he murmured as he slipped a sumptuous square of Seokjin’s Signature Red Velvet ™ between your parted lips. 

Your eyes rolled back into your head. “Oh, that’s delicious,” you moaned.

Seokjin chuckled. “Thank you. I always hope customers can taste my passion in every bite.” The seemingly innocuous words sounded positively lewd dripping from his luscious mouth. You briefly forgot how to exhale.

The baker leaned in a bit closer and brought up his thumb to wipe away non-existent crumbs from your lips, “I find it really helps me connect with them,” he whispered intimately.

You were literal seconds from licking icing directly off Seokjin’s finger when-

“Okay. That’s enough of that.” 

There was a firm tug on your elbow and you collided hard with Jungkook’s chest. It took a moment to regain your bearings (you were still slightly dazed from looking directly into Seokjin’s eyes), but suddenly Jungkook and Seokjin were staring each other down over a plate of cupcakes and all of Jungkook’s limbs were entangled with your own. 

His legs rested on either side of your hips, his left hand latched around your back and torso - pinning you to him from chest to knee caps, and his right hand -

A surprised squeak slipped past your lips as he fully palmed your backside.

Mouth agape, your gaze shot up to meet his, but Jungkook was still glaring stoically at Kim Seokjin. He didn’t even flinch when you pinched him under the arm. 

Frankly, you had not envisioned a scenario like this when you reported for duty this morning. Your mind struggled to process a reality where you were plastered all over Jeon Jungkook - surrounded on all sides by pastries and angry beautiful men - and oh my gosh that hand was still on your-

“Find what you were looking for, babe?” his familiar voice snapped with an extra edge of possessiveness that you absolutely - definitely - for sure - totally hated and did not make you shiver involuntarily.

Lies, lies, lies...

Seokjin’s eyes narrowed. A cool smirk tugged at the corner of his mouth. 

“I think the lady was very satisfied with what I had to offer.”

Jungkook’s jaw twitched. 

Oh boy…

You learned long ago to dread that jaw twitch. 

It was the jaw twitch of I-will-win-this-even-if-I-have-to-break-every-bone-in-my-body-and-burn-down-a-building-in-the-process.

Visions of flying muffins and bloodshed danced behind your eyes. 

Not to mention Jungkook would likely wreck Seokjin’s face and that would be a travesty.

Time for some drastic measures.

Thinking quickly, you slid your hands up over his chest to bury your fingers in his hair and yanked his face close to yours.

“Baby,” you purred, letting your lips brush ever so slightly over his, “I wanna go look at rings now.”

Jungkook’s eyes darkened immediately. Tension thrummed in the space between you. Your body suddenly seemed to poised to ignite as you pleaded prettily with him. 

“Won’t you take me, love?” 

The was a sharp flare of something in his gaze and the next thing you knew Jungkook was sweeping you toward the exit - right hand still firmly planted on your-

“I look forward to seeing you again soon,” Seokjin called out - in a tone more suited to a bedroom than a bakery. 

Jungkook froze. His jaw twitched again, but you were out of patience. 

“Come along now, Poodle,” you growled before dragging him out the door. 

 🕵🏻‍♀️👰🏻🤵🏻🕵🏻‍♂️ 

“What was that?!” you hissed after walking a suitable distance from the bakery. 

“I was about to ask you the same question. I can’t believe you called me Poodle!”

“You're lucky that’s all I did. Between the butt grabbing and the chest beating, I was tempted to bash both your heads in with the complimentary tea tray.”

He snorted. 

“I was just maintaining my cover - unlike you.”

“Excuse me?!”

“You’re my fiancé, Muffin. Drooling all over Kim Seokjin’s goodies while he touches your mouth doesn’t exactly scream ‘I’m in a committed relationship’.”

Your jaw dropped and you sputtered out a noise that was equal parts guilt and exasperation.

“I was probing for information!”

“And he was about to probe right back,” Jungkook muttered.

“What was that?” you snapped. 

“I said the jeweler is on the corner of 5th and Womack.”

 🕵🏻‍♀️👰🏻🤵🏻🕵🏻‍♂️ 

The tension between you and your ‘fiancé’ was palpable by the time you finally entered the jewelry store. 

“What kind of ring were you looking for, Precious?” Jungkook gushed with nauseating sweetness. 

“The biggest and most expensive we can find, Cupcake!” you cooed through clenched teeth. 

For several minutes you wandered aimlessly through the store playing the role of a hard to please couple (employing increasingly more obnoxious pet names with each exchange). 

The clerk, a tight featured man with tiny glasses, kept shooting disapproving looks and sniffing loudly whenever you asked to see anything. After a few minutes of irritable huffing, Jungkook lost patience. 

“I’m surprised this place is still in business, Cuddles.”

You snorted, equally put off by the jeweler’s brisk demeanor. 

“I think we’re done here, Kookie Bear. I parked the car in the garage by Maxwell Market. If we get back in ten minutes, we won’t be charged for another hour.”

The last thing you remembered before completely blacking out was a sharp pain in your neck.

Then you opened your eyes to very real trouble.

 🕵🏻‍♀️👰🏻🤵🏻🕵🏻‍♂️ 

It felt like there was a knife in your forehead - probably a side effect of whatever drug was used to knock you out. 

As your eyes slowly adjusted to the dim lighting, you became aware of several things at once. 

You and Jungkook were strapped to chairs facing one another in (what appeared to be) someone’s basement. Electrical stimulators simmered menacingly over various contact points on both your bodies.

...ligature marks and burns on the bodies indicated the use of restraints and electrocution…

Your gaze traveled cautiously over your partner. There was a cut near his temple - probably caused when he fell after being drugged - other than that he looked unharmed, but his eyes were still closed and his breathing seemed labored. 

“Jungkook,” you whimpered. Your voice sounded cracked and raw. 

How long were we out? 

After a moment his eyes opened and his panicked gaze darted frantically before landing on you. 

It suddenly occurred to you that his face might be the last thing you ever saw. The thought prompted a strange sort of comfort as well as a powerful surge of emotion. 

A single tear slid slowly down your cheek. 

Your head wasn’t entirely clear yet, but you could vaguely hear the jeweler rambling on about how he was going to save you both from the pain he suffered.

“What ...pain?” Jungkook’s voice sounded as rough as yours. He was still fighting off the effects of sedation. 

“The pain of lies,” your captor hissed. “My wife’s lies destroyed me. I lost everything. I never would have married her if I’d known-”

His unhinged monologue continued in that manner for several uncomfortable minutes, but he did finally get around to mentioning why you were chained up in his cellar.

“-to find the truth. If you want to save each other, you must tell the truth.”

Your eyes fell to your fingers, already knowing what you’d find there.

“Lie detectors?” Jungkook whispered incredulously.

“To know for sure if you truly care. Your lies hurt the one you love. Down here, your lies will kill her.”

“What are you saying?” Jungkook snarled. His voice dripped with real menace.

“I’m saying, if you lie, this will happen.” He pushed a button on the small remote in his hand and excruciating pain suddenly tore through your entire body. 

You screamed. 

“Stop!” Jungkook shouted. His body jerked against the chains and the chair creaked precariously beneath him. “I will kill you, you bastard!”

“No! You’ll thank me for sparing you the pain of heartbreak.”

“We aren’t engaged!” you gasped, still shaking from the aftershock. “This was a ruse - to - to draw you out. We can’t pass it-”

But the jeweler ignored you and cranked up the voltage on his machine.

“First question to the groom. Are you hiding anything from her?”

Jungkook swore and yanked against his chains again. 

“Answer the question or I’ll do it,” the jeweler warned. “Your silence can deceive as well.”

You whimpered in terror and Jungkook howled with rage.

“Yes. I am,” he bit out tightly. 

The voltage cranked again and another tear drifted quietly down the side of your face.

“What are you hiding?”

Jungkook’s eyes dropped in shame, but he didn’t hesitate. He couldn’t.

“I do eat your last Oreo. Every time. The first one was an accident. I thought they were Jimin’s... I don’t even like Oreos that much... But I make sure I always get to yours.”

You couldn’t stop a pathetic cough of laughter. “You’re confessing to the Oreos? ...Really?” Your body shook as more silent tears tracked down your face. “Jeon Jungkook you’re so strange,” you whispered softly - almost tenderly.

The jeweler’s eyes narrowed.

“There has to be more than that!” He cranked the voltage again. “Tell her what you’re really hiding!” 

 Jungkook’s jaw clenched.

“She comes to see me when the Oreos disappear. I work mostly homicide and she’s narcotics. We were paired together on a task force a couple months ago and since then I...”

His eyes squeezed shut as he fought for the right words. When they opened again, he was speaking only to you. 

“Our paths don’t often cross, but when you find me to yell about the Oreos... it’s the best part of my day.”

His gaze dropped as he continued, “There hasn’t been anyone else since the moment we met…” He heard your quiet gasp and his mouth tilted into a small tender smile.

“There’s only you,” he whispered.  

The harsh scrape of a lever being pulled caused you both to jump. Jungkook grunted in pain. He passed the test, but the charge was live on his body now.

It was your turn to face the truth.

“Tell me,” the psychotic jeweler snapped - clearly disappointed that no one had died yet, “do you love this man?”

Your eyes widened and Jungkook’s head shot up. Your gazes locked significantly and you felt your heart wrench.

“It’s ok,” Jungkook whispered. “Just tell the truth.”

His beautiful face was filled with trust and understanding. 

You knew what he expected your answer to be.

You knew what you’d say if his life wasn’t on the line.

But only the truth would keep him safe. 

“Yes,” -your eyes fluttered shut - it was too much to face him when everything you buried deep down was now laid bare between you- “I do.”

You saw him flinch - as if he expected the pain to come.

But it never did. 

For a moment there was only excruciating silence... then the barest whisper of your name passing breathlessly over his lips. 

“NYPD! HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM!”

You had never been so happy to hear Sergeant Min’s voice in your entire life.

But he’d come too late to spare either of you a confrontation with the truth.

 🕵🏻‍♀️👰🏻🤵🏻🕵🏻‍♂️ 

The next several hours passed in a blur. You were separated from Jungkook almost immediately. You caught one final glimpse of him as you were both loaded into ambulances.

His gaze stayed fixed on you as the doors closed. 

You vaguely recall giving statements and Namjoon yelling - a lot - like he always does when he’s worried. 

He hugged you so tightly. 

At some point you started to cry.

There was a constant stream of doctors and psychologists...

Then they sent you home. 

Mandatory Crisis Leave. 

Loud banging startled you off the couch and onto the floor of your apartment. It was only the second day of leave, but someone was already interrupting.

In hindsight, you should have known exactly who it was.

“Jungkook ... ”

He looked so wonderful it almost hurt. You savagely beat back the urge to slam the door in his face and bury yourself underneath a pile of blankets.

“I’m... really tired of eating those Oreos.” 

His jaw worked reflexively. After a moment, his eyes crept up to meet yours.

You nodded. 

It was literally all you were capable of doing.

“I want to talk to you every day,” he said with a little more confidence.

Tears began to prick the back of your eyes. You nodded again and he stepped slightly closer.

“I want to hold you. And not just when we’re undercover.”

You laughed. Tears began to fall in earnest.

Jungkook’s hand rose cautiously toward your face and you leaned forward ever so slightly, allowing his thumb to soothe away the wetness on your cheek.

“I am in love with you... and- and I have no idea what I’m doing,” he lowered his forehead to rest gently against yours, "but from now on... I want to do whatever it is with you.”

Pure burning joy bubbled up from your chest as you surged forward - finally pressing your lips to his.

There was laughter and more crying as you stumbled together into your apartment, shutting the door on the outside world to lose yourself in each other.  

As you lay in his arms several hours later with the echoes of his touch still humming over your body and your mouth still swollen from his kiss, you realized that what you’d been running from all those months was nothing more than your own fears.

Here - next to him - was where you were meant to be all along.

Ask My Muse: Have a question for the characters in this work? Send it to my ask box and hear their side of the story.

Endnote: This is an extensive rework of a piece I originally wrote for another fandom (if you see it elsewhere - but with Reylo - it’s me - I promise). It is based heavily on the plot of one of my favorite episodes of Smallvile (I was a huge Smallville fangirl back in the day). The dynamics are inspired by one of the greatest shows of all time - Brooklyn 99. I haven’t written much for the BTS fandom, but I would really love to hear what you think!  (Let me know what you thought pretty please?) Much like Jimin I survive primarily on takeout and praise.

[fencesandfrogs]

hi my name is matthew and i have some thoughts about haes

okay disclaimers: i’m a little jumpy around the subject so while i don’t feel i’m being unnecessarily harsh/unfair, if ur firm on haes w no yielding, and you don’t want to argue about it? either skip this or don’t respond. i don’t really care. but i’m putting the body under a read more.

[3k words, 10 minute read. sections headers, some text italicized for emphasis/some readibility. no images/videos, a few links.]

second disclaimer: i’m not planning on going heavy on sources. i will happily provide sources to people who want them, and i haven’t written the actual post yet but it’s unlike me not to cite anything, but doing an in depth well researched and sourced post on this type of subject is not something i’m up for right now.

like i said, i’m jumpy around this subject. and on the off chance someone decides this post is Bad and i must be banished to the Bad Blogs Bin, i’d rather not put a lot of work into it.

third disclaimer: i’m not particularly interested in reading X study that says actually no people who way 700 pounds are healthy and people who weigh less than 200 are going to die early deaths. i know that’s a straw man i needed to a) get it out of the way now and b) i just am tired all the time and don’t have a ton of itme for it. that said, if you do send one to me, i will probably read it at some point, and i may or may not provide my thoughts.

right then. moving on.

with no more waffling, my thesis is as follows: weight stigma is bad, however obesity is killing people and i really would like people to stop pretending it doesn’t.

i. really hate that that’s a controversial opinion. i mean i hold a decent number of somewhat controversial opinions, most of which i keep to myself because i’m a firm believer that what i think about something should not interfere with how other people live their lives. as a noncontroversial example, i think mormons are in a cult. children, being minors, being indoctrinated is a problem, one i myself am not dedicated to solving because i have other issues but as far as adults involved, that’s their business.

(*please note that i’m not expanding on my thoughts because this post is about haes but i do have a more complicated opinion i’m just trying to demonstrate something please don’t at me about cults i know that they’re bad and adults in them also need help getting out that’s not the point of this post & i’m anxious enough so like, please.)

anyway so. obesity. is bad. it is bad for your health. if you are obese, you are not healthy. that said, i am not going to tell you to lose weight. no one should tell you to lose weight except for your doctor and maybe your immediate family, and that should be from a place of “you are not living your best life and i care about you.” i, an internet stranger, along with pretty much everyone you know, does not get to tell you about how terrible your life is and what a horrible person you are for existing, because you are not a bad person for being overweight. you do not deserve discrimination or mistreatment. even if you’re not actively trying to lose weight. it doesn’t matter. you are a human being like any other and i will fight like hell for you.

i’m not planning on going heavy into eating disorders because a) that’s a triggering topic for me and b) it’s going to muddle the point i’m getting, but since it is a large part of the arguments re. haes, it’s certainly going to come up, so i’d like to list the officially recognized eating disorders.

Anorexia Nervosa (AN)

Bulimia Nervosa (BN)

Binge Eating Disorder (BED)

Other Specified Feeding and Eating Disorder (OSFED)

Pica

Rumination Disorder

Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID)

Unspecified Feeding or Eating Disorder (UFED)

Other (aka “we are considering making this its own category but for matthew’s purposes it fits into AFRID or UFED well enough because the details aren’t important”)

so yeah. we’ll circle back to this.

section one: haes

haes initially stood for heatlh at every size. that doesn’t really matter anymore because people say healthy at every size now, however, the distinction is important. because.

okay. when i say being obese makes you inherently unhealthy, i am not saying you are having health problems for being overweight. i am saying you have a chronic illness. i have asthma. that makes me inherently unhealthy. i don’t necessarily have an health problems because i am asthmatic, but i have a chronic illness and it certainly would, say, make me more likely to die from covid. that is a fact. saying healthy at every lung functionality would not change that.

but you know, i can still be active and like smell plants and interact in the world like anyone else. i just try to keep my inhaler near by.

so similarly, if you are overweight/obese (i’ve been saying only obese because its less letters so i’m sticking with that), you can, like, live ur best life and take care of your health. you can feel good about your body and eat good food and move and again, i really don’t want anyone reading this to feel that i think everyone who’s obese needs to lose that weight because adults can do whatever they want.

what i’m angry about is that a good thing (encouraging people to make good choices no matter what so they can feel good in their bodies) got turned into a bad thing (telling people they don’t need to change what they’re doing because they’re perfectly healthy).

section two: but what about...?

see my third disclaimer. but as a fast rundown of things i probably won’t talk about in detail later:

the obesity paradox is a specific thing about a specific type of illness in the elderly. it’s also not about obesity, it’s about being slightly overweight. it’s a complicated thing, but it’s not true most of the time

sumo wrestlers have major health problems as soon as they stop exercising like crazy.

did you know there are countries where girls are force fed to become overweight? diet culture goes both ways

if you want to say healthy at every size, you have to mean that every. that means you are not allowed to say shit about underweight people. i’m sorry, is someone you care about wasting away? are they 5′10 and weigh  90 pounds and their hair is falling out because they aren’t eating? i’m sorry, you said people are healthy at every size. you can’t make fun of skinny people. you have to suck it up because you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

section three: self care

a hypothetical that is blindingly obvious to where i’m going: if a small child wants to play with a knife, are you caring for them by giving into it? what if they want to drink some vodka? what if they want to run away from home to live with a stranger in a white van?

i really really hope all those answers are “no, you’re neglecting that child, and also possibly actively harming it.”

so my point is pretty obvious: giving yourself something because you want it does not mean you are caring for yourself.

you know what i want  to do all the time? sleep and rewatch twilight every day. but that makes me feel worse. so even though it’s terrible and i hate it, i have to take care of myself (because there is only one of me that i ever get) and go outside and talk to people and eat something that isn’t popcorn because you need protein to live.

(sorry i tried to keep nutrition out of that but i have to actively seek out sufficient salt and protein due to my campus doing a lot of low sodium food, which is bad when u actually need to eat a good amount of salt to keep ur body working, and also i’m vegetarian. so i’m constantly making myself seek it out.)

that doesn’t mean self care is always supposed to be work, but i mean. i’ve always not really gotten into it. i think because i’m hella depressed and i’ve been depressed long enough i can recognize it as this separate entity when it comes to a lot of the mental stuff. like, why do i feel like everything is meaningless? that’s just the depression.

but i digress, this isn’t about me. [proceeds to talk about me again]

one phrase i like a lot for myself is “bad food makes me feel bad.” now, i’m not a fan of putting moral judgements to food. but this works for me, personally. sure, eating a bunch of ice cream right now is good, but it’s going to suck when my stomach flips the fuck out because of all the sugar. and so it seems quite obvious to me that eating that ice cream is not, in fact, caring for my body.

and i think we’d collectively be a bit better served if we could learn to distinguish between self-care and self-kindness. ask anyone who does caregiving (childcare, nurses, etc): it is hard, often thankless (at least for children they’re devils who don’t realize that their toys will get wrecked if they don’t pick them up) work. you care for them not by doing what they want, but what is best for them.

section four: diet culture

as i’ve already played my hand up above with underweight vs haes, i think it’s kind of obvious that i have strong feelings about underweight not being healthy also. so i just want to take stock of what is and isn’t diet culture, and what i think about it. this is probably the most subjective part of this essay.

things i think are diet culture

people trying ridiculous diets. obviously diet culture in the purest sense. it’s real dumb. you need all the food groups to live. sometimes it’s okay, like cutting out sugar, but i’d say its a net negative

not trying to do lifestyle changes. that’s the sustainable way to lose weight. so. yeah.

weight cycling. actually still up for debate if this is bad. this paper says no, along with a lot of others, but i’m not sitting down and reading through all of them, and all of the ones that say its bad, to offer my opinion. i’m leaning towards “it’s better than nothing,” but we’ll see

a lot of other stuff i’m doing this off the top of my head and trying to avoid issues w eating disorders so.

things i think aren’t diet culture

women being pressured to look a certain way. that’s been going on for a long time. being skinny used to be bad. it’s a fact of the patriarchy.

most things? idk i have this impression that like, anyone exercising or eating healthy is a part of diet culture, when in reality, people just have different lifestyles. (also, again, if you’re going with haes, as in HealthyAES (hyaes?) you can’t call it unhealthy or you’re not respecting that damn E)

in conclusion: diet culture has issues, but the correct response to them is not “fuck you, i’m eating fourteen pounds of sugar.” eat fourteen pounds of sugar because you want to. (also it should be fat because if you really want to stick it to the man you should be eating fat, big sugar is responsible for a huge amount of todays dietary problems, both on the under/overweight side)

section five: discrimination

yeah no fuck people who discriminate about fat people. that’s all i’m just moving along to a transition since i was drifting away from my point about health.

section six: weight stigma

...is not responsible for your health issues. being obese is. accept the consequences of your lifestyle.

well. okay. that’s a little unfair. accept the consequences of not treating your chronic illness. and i feel i’ve probably lost people for calling obesity an illness but that’s the whole point of my post.

just like carrying externally heavy objects hurts your joints, so does carrying a lot of weight inside. fat does not cushion your organs, it kills them. getting rid of weight stigma will not make these issues go away.

the treatment for obesity is eating the number of calories you need to sustain a healthy weight at your current exercise levels. (*please consult with your doctor this is more complicated when you have to lose a lot of weight.)

section seven: cico. or, why your metabolism is fine

your body does not break the laws of thermodynamics. it cannot magically create more energy out of a given amount of calories.

there are issues with calorie counting, yes. i think it’s usually done in an unsustainable way that isn’t teaching people to make decisions, just to do math. it can be hard to get an accurate count.

but you are not a miracle of science. you have not discovered how to create and destroy energy. i’m sorry to be the one to break if to you.

if you don’t believe me, if you’re really sure your metabolism is different, go on and get it tested. tell your doctors. because it’s a major problem if it’s not working right.

similarly, i’m sorry, but if someone is the same height as you and a (very, like, +- 50 pounds) different weight, and neither of you have exisitng health conditions, you are not eating the same things/doing the same exercise. you have not broken the laws of physics.

possibly, one of you have untreated celiacs or something of the ilk meaning your body is actually malfunctioning. but if that’s true, i excluded you already, so shoo. get out of here and play in the sun with the other kids.

if you don’t believe this, there’s not much i can do to convince you. but i encourage you to count your calories for a month. find some tdee calculators. weigh yourself. make sure you count everything, it all goes down. check the math. (you can do any amount of time but a month is what you need for weight to be meaningful imo otherwise you’re just proving weight fluctuates a lot).

section eight: cico. or, why counting calories is not disordered eating

it can sure be a symptom of disordered eating, and it can certainly make disordered eating worse, but it isn’t an eating disorder.

also, assuming you’re not trying to verify the laws of thermodynamics, i don’t think counting every calorie is necessary. i have approximate values (500/meal, and around 300 in snacks), which i try not to go over or under.

yeah. i actually use calorie counting to make sure i’m eating enough in one sitting. some of my medication screws with my apetite and then i only eat like 300 calories and suddenly its like 11 and i need to go to bed but i’m hungry but eating before bed makes me feel terrible and it sucks.

but hey, according to some people, avoiding that is unhealthy.

okay i’m moving on before i get salty because the next section is touchy

section nine: eating disorders.

the three main eating disorders are listed way up there. they’re the first three. AN, BN, BED.

oh, yeah, binge eating? that’s actually disordered eating too. it’s not normal.

i’m not going to elaborate on the point because i absolutely know i can’t do it without getting really fucking angry that people call calorie counting disordered eating, like i haven’t watched a fifth grader eat one meal a day because she’s scared she’s overweight. like i haven’t watched a sixth grader cram food into his mouth until he’s sick because he’s worried he’s not bulky enough for sports. like i haven’t watched an eleventh grader tell me he hasn’t eaten anything since lunch yesterday, but it’s fine, he doesn’t want his mac and cheese anyway, since he needs to lose weight.

you think someone keeping track of some numbers is an eating disorder? then either you’re lucky enough to never have to deal with eating disorders on a personal level, and i’m very happy for you, or you have, and you should maybe reevaluate that.

alright i’m cutting myself off now whoop.

section ten: intuitive eating

you know, much like haes, i want to like this. it fits in with my bad-food-makes-me-feel-bad mentality. i’m angry and tired and hungry because i ate like, a late breakfast/early lunch and now i need to eat again because if i don’t eat every six to eight hours i have a medical condition that makes me feel like shit (an aside: unless you’ve been told by a doctor, you don’t need to eat every 2-3 hours. unless you’re a child or have an applicable medical condition, you can probably eat one meal a day and be firne.)

but much like haes, it now has a meaning i can’t in good consience endorse. i can’t stand for a movement that tells people who acknowledge weight makes their joints hurt that they just need to keep eating until they feel better.

section eleven: conclusion

i have a lot more thoughts but again i’m hungry. i meant to talk more about IE and my problems with it but maybe that will be its own post.

i won’t say i’m happy to talk about this because i can’t promise i am (see: eating disorder issues.), but i will most likely respond to constructive discussion if someone sees this and wants to. i can also provide sources. i hate going, “sources available on request” but i tried to provide some stuff for some of the heavily disputed/i already had a source for it and didn’t have to dig through google scholar to find information that’s been peer reviewed.

and i do sincerely wish everyone, at any size, that they fracture the disconnect between them and their bodies (oop didn’t talk about that either another time then) & that they find peace with who they are, and that they get to live happy & fulfilling lives.