#300 lbs and up club

[alienpossession]

After a very demanding workout session and having several hours to spend before his date, Dean decided to slide into his Instagram and treated his close friends with some personal Q&A sesh

But, all the close friend and Dean himself are not necessarily of this world, to put it simply. Hence, the question that started to pile up might not sound like a series of question that you would ask in a normal human conversation

"How can you end up in his body? What's the trick? My host is a decent-sized jock and the battle to gain control over his body was crazy tough, cannot imagine yours,"

I just followed the manual, you know. Caught them off-guard and ensure that they are tired. He fell asleep inside this personal sauna after a grueling workout. Add the fact that he was cutting to prep himself for a bodybuilding competition, well, that's a cocktail for success to tame a beastly jock this size

"Is the sexual stamina better compared to your previous host, noting the size differences 😜😜"

LOL, sorry for the disappointment back then, Gustavo. There's not a lot of people that can withstand your sexual prowess anyway, but I'm definitely the top if we are ever hooking up again

"How do you handle the first 24 hours? The crash after all his memory become accessible must've been out of this world!"

Messed my bed like a baby, but it's cum and sweat instead of piss HAHAH. Yeah, crazy shit, dude is a horny, power-hungry muscle beast

"So, have you converted his significant others? Or do you plan to just mindfuck them later so they will be working as indentured labor?"

Nope, not yet. He lived on his own anyway so we gotta wait for the 4th of July break for it to happen. But the girlfriend already fell though, bitch never stood a chance once I plugged her throat with this monster, she was a sobbing flailing mess when mini-mes swarmed her throat and entire body. Now I told her to help out on slowly infecting my friends. Gotta do it subtly though, no reason actually, just love to play with those oblivious human

"Favorite thing to do as human, aside from sex obviously,"

To be honest, partying. It's just so nice being a 6'6", 225 lbs mass of a presence in a dark, packed club or even festival grounds with great music. I always have party or at least a night out inside my calendar for most of the week, such a blast. And of course, sex also involved to really spice things up, but honestly I don't mind if there's any sex or not as long as the party is lit

And Dean keep on answering all sort of other questions, thinking that his identity as a converted alien puppet remain hidden due to the close friends feature. But his little brother, a 21 years old sophomore living 300 miles away from him, took screenshot of every single close friend stories that Dean made, his mind distraught by the fact that his older brother practically no longer exist but his dick chubbed up to the point of leaking pre as his wildest sexual kink manifested in real time and happened to someone he personally knows.

So, like any horny 21 years old, he decided to rub one out while letting his brother stories played in loop. Should he confront Dean about all of this? Or will that risk him turned into a puppet too?

[infernal-general]

Fight talk on the dash *cough* @metaladam made me FINALLY write this post I've been wanting to in years.

War machine.

Rozália is an absolute, devastating all rounder when it comes to combat. Versatile in every way possible, if her hand to hand combat was to fail, she can fall back on weapon proficiency, if the situation gets worse she can spike it with her powers. If everything isn't enough, then comes the Hellfire as last resort of mass & raw destruction. She is extremely dangerous because she is both trained and by now in tune with her power.

Stats:

8'5 (260 cm) & weighs around 350 lbs (160 kg) of muscle and bone

15 years of general training regarding warfare & combat

Approximately 7-8 years of martial arts training

Honing, perfecting those skills over 170 years.

Can comfortably lift up to 400-460 lbs (180-210 kg), up to 660 lbs (300 kg) with effort; she doesn't risk going higher than that

Close combat: You don't want that to happen. One would logically think she is relying on her strength, instead the trick lies in acrobatics. Which brings to the first of many terrifying facts: she is fully in control of her body and bodyweight to be a taekwondo acrobat. Her physical strength isn't increased by any spell/magic/deal; she simply adapted to her height and weight in the afterlife with multiple training styles & heavy emphasis on own bodyweight training. Imagine the force her punch/kick can carry. Improvisation, adaption play a large role as well, she's versed in more than enough styles to mix them together as counter. No problems regarding endurance either, she's trained to participate in active warfare 24 hours straight, then oversee the damages, deaths, wounded, quick repair plans. Pain tolerance. That one stems from her terrific reaction regarding any substance; she hasn't taken any painkillers since the incident happened, worried how they would be amplified by her flawed system.

That left her growing almost comfortable with being in pain, making her tolerate almost ridicously high. And if it wasn't enough, that combined with her healing factor on steroids if the injury isn't from something angelic.

Her anatomy is perfectly designed for close combat: her feet are covered by armored plates with openings to allow desired mobility and flexibility with talons to not only bruise but shred with kicks:

Her horns are sturdy, sharp, tilted forwards and she totally impaled a few people before, making retaliating blows difficult if not outright dangerous to land

Her blood is liquid hellfire, so even if one succeeds in wounding her...well they are still getting the worst of it. A purely physical fight against her is rigged from the start due to her anatomy.

Still, there was one draw in her career: In the Viper club, where using magic in the ring is forbidden, against her own relative @phoenixborn who was generational traumatized by her existence & wanted to defeat her own literal demon haunting her since childhood. It wasn't because they were related and she let her off easy. But because Cindy, although not as durable but just as slippery and skilled, utilized joint locks and breaks. So Rozy couldn't really continue with a broken left knee and right elbow, healing would've taken too much time without her powers so...a very bregrunding draw. It wasn't the pain stopping her mind you. But the imbalance.

Armed combat: Almost as versatile as with her body and mindful of her surroundings, almost anything can be a weapon. That being said, her usual arsenal consists of her twin hussar swords (modeled after Polish winged hussar sabres), one blessed, one filled with and forged in Hellfire. Although traditional fencing isn't exactly how her style would be described, she still excels in as her own style with a sturdy base taught since early childhood.

Five short daggers with their grip, infused with her hellfire, therefore she is able to control the blades with her mind; faint crimson trails show the daggers' path. A silent, unexpected truly assassin weapon.

4.5 feet tall (54 inches), -not counting the hidden blades at the ends- recurve bow to cover long range. It also has a tiny scope above the grip which can be flipped out in case of using it very long range. The quiver of hellfire infused arrows is strapped to her right thigh; she is ambidextrous but prefers to handle this weapon with her right. Draw weight around 60-70lbs (27-31 kg). Perfectly able to handle heavier draw warbows as well as crossbows.

Thanks to her upbringing and the revolution Rozy is a great esquetarian, capable of precise archery from horseback along with the usual hussar techniques.

Modern guns, rifles, handguns are weapons she actually has a struggle using and would rather avoid. Along with more difficult/unorthodox weaponry such as zhua-iron claw designed to pull someone, off horseback, swordbreaker long daggers & hook swords. That she doesn't have enough experience with handling and/or effectively counter her own arsenal.

Hellfire: may god give you strength. You will need it.

[fernrisulfr]

Druid of the Beast

Uses Now this concept is in all truth still half formed, but I did actually use it in a campaign; the game however was comparatively RP lite and I don’t feel the concept or character really got a proper chance to be. So I’ll post the base concept, and then give details about the character who used it.

Druid (Circle of the Moon) -

Backstory Concept: Belongs to a circle of druids centered around a single creature they call "The Beast" a monster that haunts the land, making it dangerous and dark; however the land is it's territory, and it protects it fiercely from interlopers. For a long time it has in fact been in turf war with a more sinister beast attempting to come up from the Underdark. For a very long time it has kept the darkness at bay, but "The Beast" is getting old, and while it's not going to last forever it's still managing to keep up the fight. The PC was chosen from among the Druids to go out into the world and collect a number of items/regents that are needed to create the ideal conditions for "The Beast's" young to hatch, so that it may grow strong enough before "The Beast" passes to take it's place in combat.

Goth - Bugbear - Druid (Circle of the Moon) - Outlander

Context: This was a Campaign set in the Underdark. The DM actually forgot about my Backstory entirely till I tried Scrying on the Beast once. 

Backstory Used: Belongs to a circle of druids centered around a single creature they call "The Beast" a monster that haunts the land, making it dangerous and dark; however the land is it's territory, and it protects it fiercely from interlopers. For a long time it has in fact been in turf war with a more sinister beast attempting to come up from the Underdark. For a very long time it has kept the darkness at bay, but "The Beast" is getting old, and while it's not going to last forever it's still managing to keep up the fight. The Goth was chosen from among the Druids to go around and down, into the Underdark itself to try and learn what the creature "The Beast" has been holding off actually is, and learn how to defeat it once and for all.

Appearance: 7′2, 300 lbs. Brown fur, tan skin, black eyes. Fairly lanky and scruffy by bugbear standards. Significant tusks/lower canines. Usually has a dour expression. Bit of a case of resting bitch face. Covered from head to two in ritualistic white markings. Wears armor that kind of looks like a pair of big green overalls with a breastplate (We ignored the no metal rule on Druids, because it’s silly.). Wields a club and a shield, though he doesn’t often use either. 

[the-firebird69]

This guy is an a****** a jerk an idiot to our son and he's afraid our son will get big and chicken s*** his son's not beating him up or hitting with stuff or anything it's like where they supposedly Excel and if you got to fight it'll be a stupid s*** and you end up with a roof or something says that's a good idea but it's like 20 ft he probably wouldn't make it oh man he is heavier than he looks he's thinking about the movie theater alley and it's pretty high up there maybe this little grandkid he can toss but yeah he'd be a little heavy usually mineford and then Martin Ford and the name is grotesque is at 6 ft 8 and he's doping off of Ken nope. I can't do that or office mom or anything it must be off of someone else or spice and he's doing both he gets pretty big it looks like a Big Mac and it might be and he or tends to be extremely strong and it's not it's not massively strong he's very strong for him at that height he is lifting up over his head about 300 lb and you can bench press about 450 which is a lot it's a big club but in his height he should be able to do more and what he looks like he should be able to do a lot more but this is what our son will look like at 6 ft 2 we're talking about appearance not muscle size and 6 ft 8 he look like Colossus but 6'2 is just around the corner half a year he thinks and that's about right and we think you're going to be out of here You two before that you chickens we see why now.

Thor Freya

Olympus

[grailfinders]

Fate and Phantasms #82: Frankenstein

You know her, you love her, and today on Fate and Phantasms, we’re building her! Frankenstein’s the last summonable servant in London, but we’re going out on a high note with an electrifying servant.

Check out Fran’s build breakdown below the cut, or her character sheet over here!

Next up: Classic middle child syndrome.

Race and Background

Like Mash, Fran runs into the problem of Homunculus not being a playable race. It would be fitting to make our own with the new Tasha’s stuff, but Fran’s tough, hits hard, and doesn’t talk good, so the closest thing we’ve got is an Orc. This gives her +2 Strength and +1 Constitution. She also gets 60′ of Darkvision, and a Powerful Build, so she counts as Large when figuring out what she can carry. Good thing too- those bolts look heavy. She’s also Aggressive, letting her dash as a bonus action, as long as she ends up closer to an enemy at the end of it. She also gets Insight and Nature proficiencies. She knows flowers are pretty, and that’s good enough for her.

Fran is also a Haunted One, giving her Survival and Investigation proficiencies. Most people would say your dad was the real monster, after all.

Ability Scores

Your endurance is one of your highest parameters, so your Constitution has to be pretty high. Almost as high is your Strength- you’re swinging a big club around for most of your attacks. To make her a real berserker, all her physical stats have to be above her mental ones, so Dexterity comes third. Your Wisdom isn’t too bad, being able to convey meaning with a couple grunts is probably wisdom? Your Charisma is pretty low- you’re loveable, but there’s only so much you can do without spoken language. Finally, we’re dumping Intelligence. You don’t really “do” “talking”, or “strategy”.

Class Levels

1. No points for guessing, but you’re a Barbarian. At first level you can Rage as a bonus action to deal extra damage on each attack, get advantage on strength saves and checks, and resist physical (bludgeoning, slashing, piercing) damage. You also get Unarmored Defense, giving you an AC of 10 plus your dexterity and constitution modifiers while unarmored. Despite what Nero says, a bridal gown is not appropriate fight gear.

2. At second level, you can make Reckless Attacks, gaining advantage on all of a turn’s attacks in exchange for granting advantage to anyone attacking you until your next turn. You also gain a Danger Sense, giving you advantage on Dexterity saves against effects you can see. You already blast yourself with plenty of electricity- you don’t need anyone else’s help with that.

3. Third level barbarians set down a primal path, and the Path of the Storm Herald seems to be pretty popular in London. When you set down your path, you learn a Storm Aura that extends 10′ away from you when raging. Technically you can change the effect whenever you level up, but we’re sticking with Sea to get some electric charge. The sea aura forces a Dexterity save of 8 plus your proficiency and constitution modifiers on a single target, dealing 1d6 Lightning Damage if they fail, or half as much if they succeed. This happens when you begin the rage, as well as on a bonus action each turn while raging.

4. Use your first Ability Score Improvement to become a Crusher, a feat which just become official in Tasha’s! This increases your Constitution by 1. More mechanically, once per turn you can push a creature that is up to one size larger than you by 5′ when you hit it with bludgeoning damage. Also, dealing critical bludgeoning damage imposes advantage on all attacks against that creature until the end of your next turn. You’ve got a big hammer, it’s gonna hurt when it falls.

5. Let’s make the most of that feat with an Extra Attack each attack action, as well as an extra 10′ of movement while unarmored thanks to Fast Movement.

6. Sixth level storm heralds gain a Storm Soul, granting you resistance to lightning damage as well as immunity to drowning thanks to your underwater breathing and swim speed. The real Fran probably can’t swim, so just consider this a bonus. 

7. Your Feral Instinct gives you advantage on initiative rolls, and you can ignore being surprised if you rage at the start of your turn. You’re resistant to being shocked in every sense of the phrase now.

8. Use your next ASI to round out your Constitution and Dexterity for more health, stronger lightning, and less getting hit.

9. Ninth level barbarians can make Brutal Criticals, adding an extra die to critical damage. You hit people so hard a tree pops out. I don’t know exactly how much damage you need to make that happen, but it’s probably a lot.

10. Tenth level storm heralds foretell a Shielding Storm, granting creatures of your choice in your aura lightning resistance. Also, your lightning gets a bit stronger, dealing an extra d6 of damage.

11. At eleventh level, your Relentless Rage lets you drop to 1 hp when you’d normally drop to 0 if you make a DC 10 Constitution save. The next time you use this feature, the DC increases by 5, and it resets at the end of a short rest.

12. Use this ASI to bump up your Strength for more hitting. Not everything has to be complicated, you know.

13. At thirteenth level, you get another die added to your Brutal Criticals.

14. Your final Storm Herald feature turns you into a Raging Storm. While raging, you can use your reaction to force a creature you hit to make a Strength saving throw or get knocked prone. So you can combine this with your Crusher to bat people out of the way and leave them on their ass.

15. Your rages don’t end until you say they do, thanks to your Persistent Rage. Also, your Storm Aura gets even stronger, bumping up to 3d6.

16. If you’re using the standard array, this ASI will be the one that maximizes your Strength for the hardest hits.

17. Just kidding, they can get even harder thanks to a third die from Brutal Critical. That hammer’s bigger than your head- it’s got some serious heft to it.

18. Eighteenth level barbarians have Indomitable Might, meaning your strength checks are always your strength score at minimum. Congratulations on winning every sporting event ever, you’ve earned it.

19. Use your last ASI to maximize your Constitution for the most health, lightning, and AC possible. It doesn’t get better than this.

20. Sorry for lying a second time, it totally does! As a Primal Champion, you have unlimited rages, and your strength and constitution scores increase by 4, with new maximums of 24. Sometimes sticking to one class is worth it. Also, your Storm Aura maxes out at 4d6 lightning, if you’re still interested.

Pros

With almost 300 HP, AC that rivals the best kinds of armor, and rage resistances, it’s pretty safe to say you’re tough to kill. You’re also really strong, with a super maxed out strength score and a Powerful Build, you’re able to carry 720 lbs at once. You’re no Spartacus, but that’s still more than most people will ever need to worry about.

Thanks to Crusher and your Raging Storm, you’re good at breaking enemy formations and really punishing anyone you get your hands on. By using bludgeoning criticals or knocking them prone, you can give your whole group advantage against them.

You’re even faster than a normal barbarian thanks to your Aggressive nature giving you an extra 40′ of movement to work with to make up for using a hammer as your main weapon.

Cons

You use a hammer as your main weapon, and your storm barely extends out of melee range. That means if something’s faster than you or can fly, you’ll have a hard time doing anything to it.

Your only source of magical damage is your storm aura, which is pretty lackluster until it starts getting regular buffs in the latter half of the game. It’s nothing a magical weapon can’t fix, but that’s dependent on your DM, and sometimes they’re not nice people.

You have a very limited array of damage types to choose from. Technically any weapon is available to you, but Crusher does prod you towards using only bludgeoning weapons, which means anything that can resist that and lightning damage will be a pain for you.

[tapedsleeves]

in all of my wildest dreams (they just ended with you and me) - Zach Whitecloud / Nicolas Roy (Vegas Golden Knights) wc: 300 rated G (for bublle kiss) Zach gets hit in the face by a puck and gets a kiss.

teach me to breath (break me in half) - Andrei Svechnikov/Jordan Martinook (Carolina Hurricanes) wc: 5,696 rated E (for everyone's babygirl to me) daddykink/babygirl smut.

its our anthem - Jack Hughes / Nico Hischier (New Jersey Devils) wc: 200 rated G (for kisses i guess) jack thinks thinks Nico would let him kiss him.

ache it 'til you make it - Sheldon Keefe / Kyle Dubas (Toronto Maple Leafs) wc: 6004 rated M (for maaaaybe time loops are scary) Sheldon has playoff time loops. At 10 years into his working relatioship with Kyle, he realizes he's in love.

but my body's in the lead - Connor Hellebuyck/Laurent Brossoit (Vegas Golden Knights & Winnipeg Jets) wc: 3188 rated E (for everybody has feelings.... and maybe LB's been repressing some) After their series is over, Connor reaches out to hookup. Only - LB's been uh. Repressing some feelings.

go hunt for honey - Carson Soucy / Will Borgen (Seattle Kraken) wc: 532 rated G (for backyard kisses) Will gives Carson some chocolate. Carson shares.

I'll set you up against the stars - Zach Whitecloud / Nicolas Roy (Vegas Golden Knights) wc: 1576 rated E (for silk!!!) Zach finds Nicolas's silk slip in the closet.

Message Pending - Connor Hellebuyck/Laurent Brossoit (Vegas Golden Knights & Winnipeg Jets) wc: 138 rated T (for texting) Connor invites Laurent to his house for the summer, but not all of his messages go through.

checking it twice - Sheldon Keefe / Kyle Dubas (Toronto Maple Leafs) wc: 604 rated T (for lisT making) Kyle makes lists

wear you like a stitch - mark stone / max pacioretty (Vegas Golden Knights) wc: 1537 rated G (for general medial knowledge (I ain't got it)) Mark has amnesia.

or a gentle kiss - mark stone / max pacioretty (Vegas Golden Knights) wc: 200 rated G (for general sailing knowledge (I ain't got it)) water calls to water, soul to soul.

neon in the nighttime - chandler stephenson / shane hnidy (Vegas Golden Knights) wc: 1885 rated E (for get it stevieeeee) Stevie hooks up with Shane after the Cup Parade

a wall to bring us closer - jack eichel / jonathan marchessault (Vegas Golden Knights) wc: 1213 rated T (for jack getting another job) Marchy sees the photo, after, and realizes that Jack's in love with him

from a shudder to a shockwave - jack eichel / jonathan marchessault (Vegas Golden Knights) wc: 21,334rated E (for Jack winning Marchy the Conn Smythe) Jack falling in love with playing hockey again, being seaties with Jonathan Marchessault, joining queer YA book club, and, oh yeah, falling in love with Marchy also.

you don't need to wonder, you're doing fine - jack eichel / jonathan marchessault (Vegas Golden Knights) wc: 500 rated G (for the elvis wig) maybe they should be more than friends. maybe they already are

no reason to put up a fight - jack eichel / jonathan marchessault (Vegas Golden Knights) wc: 500 rated T (for bachelor party flirting) Jack and Marchy kiss at Stevie's bachelor party

just what i needed - jack eichel / jonathan marchessault (Vegas Golden Knights) wc: 500 rated T (for kiss denial) Jack promises to win Marchy the Conn Smythe

your whole life is ahead (i hope we get to see it) - jack eichel / jonathan marchessault (Vegas Golden Knights) wc: 1097 rated T (for aging crisis) Jack comforts Marchy during a crisis.

ts’s hrpf fic masterpost

all business baby (none of the hype) - tyler seguin / michael raffl (Dallas Stars) - wc: 5448, rated T (for tyler, thee slut) - Tyler invites Michael to stay with him until he gets settled in Dallas.

and the idea of - carter hart / travis konecny (Philadelphia Flyers) - wc: 3571, Rated T (for the grinder / personal chef au) - Carter Hart has got one Hookup That Got Away - The Hookup and the extremely good quiche. It’s definitely the quiche that he misses most. Definitely.

you’re the only one (who can calm me down) - jack eichel / robin lehner (Vegas Golden Knights) wc: 7270 - rated E (for eichelfuckin, y’all)  Jack asks for a scene, with a welcome surprise: lingerie. Featuring: Robin putting Jack in lingerie, making him rub off against his arm, with bonus face-fucking and slapping!

if you let it be right - mark stone / max pacioretty (Vegas Golden Knights) - wc: 717, rated T (for the beginning of a theme for me) - Just a cozy comfortable 6167 snippet to help us deal with *waves hands at everything*

a little too late to do the right thing now - mark stone / max pacioretty (Vegas Golden Knights) wc: 2681 rated T (for that’s not how you propose, mark) - Mark asks Max to go to a wedding with him, later in the summer. (It’s their wedding.)

meet you in thin air - mark stone / max pacioretty (Vegas Golden Knights)  wc:437 rated T (for the most comfort)  Mark soothes Max’s anxiety

dinner and a show - mark stone / max pacioretty (Vegas Golden Knights)  wc:798 rated T (for hand kissing!) Max covers for Mark during press after the ‘fight.‘ 

sting and honey - mark stone / max pacioretty (Vegas Golden Knights)  wc:338 rated T (for hurt/comfort) - Mark takes care of Max while he’s hurt 

some kind of tomorrow - mark stone / max pacioretty (Vegas Golden Knights)  wc:338 rated T (for sleep staring) Max wakes up in Mark’s bed for the first time.

soft as it began - mark stone / max pacioretty (Vegas Golden Knights)  wc:1101 rated T (for coda to the 12/27/21 game where Max said “fuck” really loudly) Max coming home to Mark, who comforts him about it & the future, a little.

somewhere between you and me - mark stone / max pacioretty (Vegas Golden Knights)  wc:100 rated T (for i actually did a drabble!) old men flirting over golf.

everyone deserves a crown of light -  mostly gen, mark stone, max pacioretty, zach whitecloud, nic hague, nic roy, dylan coghlan, william karlsson, jonathan marchessault, reilly smith, jack eichel, robin lehner (Vegas Golden Knights)  wc:611 rated G (for guys, this is so cute) A series of 5 instax pictures taken by various knights that mark keeps in his wallet to show people like a proud, but weird, dad.

[rainyfestivalsweets]

June 27, 2021

I am counting today as a win.

I was up way earlier than I normally ever am on a Sunday-I woke up at 8 a.m.

I went to my brother's house to go fishing *on time*. Well-10 minutes early, actually. I got 12000 steps for the day. I had a great time fishing. It was beautiful and serene. I had packed a breakfast and a lunch and several beverages for myself. Diet coke, bang, and water.

I got some sunshine but then we got a thunderstorm, so we ended up going home. I proceeded to go to town and run the errands I needed to run, which was Walmart. I came home, unloaded and then went to my girlfriend's house. Picked her up and we went to Sam's Club-got all sorts more stuff. Drove her home. Removed a metal post from her yard because she just re-did her fence from a metal fence to a wood fence.

During our visit today I was very bouncy and I was in a pretty decent good mood. I was pretty f****** energetic which was awesome.

We are talking about doing the Manitou incline in a couple months so we are trying to come up with a training schedule. That is a huge amount of steps for a larger person. We went and saw the steps that our town has to offer and we are making a training plan based on that. Unfortunately we don't have a whole lot of places that have stairs but we're going to try. I think it's pretty important for us to practice because the Manitou incline is incredibly hard. It is very strenuous. I did it twice in 2019, about a week apart, but I was on vacation by myself. It was amazing!!!!!!

The only thing that I'm concerned about is that we are vacationing with another couple and they are fit trim young men. They are probably just not going to be very patient. We are both close to 300 lb [or over]. They are significantly lighter. Yikes. I think one of them is about 140 lb. The other one might be just over two hundred but a hundred pounds makes a lot of difference when you're climbing a never-ending stairway.

[darklingichor]

Odd Thomas, Forever Odd & Brother Odd by Dean Koontz *MAJOR SPOILERS* Long post

I've written a little bit about these before. My goal was to listen to all seven of the Odd books plus the two short stories... I couldn't make myself do that.

I use to really love those books. I use to really love Dean Koontz, just recently, the writing has started to annoy me. Since I haven't read any of his new stuff since Saint Odd came out, I can't say it's because the writing has changed. I think I have changed, I'm just not sure in what way. So, I'm going to look at the first three books in the series because 1. I like them the most (sort of). 2. Because I honestly feel like the series should have either ended there or jumped to Saint Odd. 3. Because I'm going to see if by writing about them, I can figure out why reading Koontz in my 20's was like a breath of fresh air, but in my 30's it feels like when the air conditioner is some how making everything too cold, yet not cooling things down at all: uncomfortable and bafflingly frustrating.

Odd Thomas is a 20 year old fry cook in the small california desert town of Pico Mundo. He's seen as sweet but strange to all but a few people in town. He grew up with a mostly absent father, a crazy mother and a loving but wild grandmother, the last has already gone to the great beyond, so what family he has, he has found.

He has a girlfriend named Stormy, they've been together since they were sixteen, his boss at the Grill where he works, Terry, who has an encyclopedic knowledge of Elvis Presley, a 300 lb mystery writer named P. Oswald Boone (Little Ozzie), his landlady who is afraid she'll turn invisible, and the cheif of police.

Odd also sees ghosts, or The Lingering Dead as he calls them. He trys to help them crossover. Sometimes it's as simple as talking to them (though they don't speak back, "the dead don't talk")  oftentimes is complicated and dangerous. Hence why his close relationship with the cheif comes in handy and also why it formed. He has other gifts. The occasional prophetic dream that usually only gives him bits and pieces to work off of, he sees these spectors of calamity that tend to show up right before something bad happens (like an earthquake or a shooting) they are black shadow things that Odd calls Bodochs, and psychic magmatism, where  he can find anyone he's looking for by wondering around with a clear picture in mind.

Everyone in his circle knows about his gift other than his landlady who is slightly and gently insane.

There is one other person in his circle, the ghost of Elvis who Odd had been trying to help crossover since he was in highschool.

The first book takes place over the course of three days.

To avoid a blow by blow, I'll summarize. After an eventful morning during which he helped a murdered twelve year old cross over by catching her killer, Odd goes to his shift a the Grill. There, he sees a creepy little man that reminds him if a mold and fungus, followed by a group of Bodochs. He finishes his shift, goes looking for the guy he's dubed Fungus Man.

He eventually finds his way to Fungus Man's house, breaks in and finds it unnaturally cold and silent. He discovers a room that is pitch black except for a small red light. He soon finds that what has made this room so black and the house so cold and quiet is the mob of Bodochs occupying it. After the Bodochs stream out, Odd is able to see that the room is an office and Fungus Man (aka Bob Roberts) is obsessed with serial and mass murderers, he has a file cabinet full of folders on them and posters of famous murders on his wall. Bob seems to be planning something, but Odd doesn't know what, as his only clue is a planner page in a folder from the killer cabinet. The folder is labeled with Bob's name and the date is two days away.

A series of happenings eventually leads to odd trying to stop a horrifying plan

*SPOILERS STOP READING RIGHT HERE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE END*

So, Bob is a satanist in cahoots with a couple of other satanists to shoot up and blow up the Pico Mundo mall, among other places. He is able to stop them from completing their goal, but some people do die, including Stormy who was working at an ice cream shop at the mall.

Forever Odd

It's months later and Odd has moved into Stormy's apartment. He wakes up to find the ghost of one of his best friends's stepdad at his bedside. Strangely, Danny, a guy with brittle bone disease, with whom Odd grew up, was not mentioned in the last book.

So, the ghost of Danny's stepdad convinces Odd to go to his and Danny's house. Once there, Odd finds stepdad's body and discovers that Danny has been kidnapped.

What follows is a slightly weird story.

Odd eventually finds Danny and his kidnappers. One is a bug-shit woman Danny was talking with on a phone sex line. To impress her he told her about Odd. She's into her own twisted form of the Vudun religion and decides that Odd can show her the lingering dead and wants him become one of her crew. She kidnapped Danny to lure him out.

Danny is rescued, bad guys defeated, and Odd decides he needs to get out of Pico Mundo for a while.

Brother Odd

Odd has spent the last several months at the St. Bartholomew's Abbey, in the California Mountains, as a lay visitor among the monks and nuns. The Abbey is also home to a a community of disabled children. Odd becomes  close with four people in particular The Mother superior, The Priest at the head of the monks, Brother Knuckles, an ex mob guy turned monk, and Brother John, a wealthy guy turned monk. Only the first three know of his gift.

Waiting up to see a snow storm break, Odd finds Brother Timothy unconscious or dead on the grounds. He is then clubbed on the back of the head and knocked out. A search for Brother Tim leads to a strange mix of science and the spiritual that I for one found really cool.

** SECOND SPOILER**

Elvis crosses over in this one and Odd contemplates becoming a monk. Two reasons I think that this should have been the last one. Another reason is that he comes very very close to connecting with Stormy though a conduit to the otherside. Third, this is the last book where Odd is truly Odd.

See, Odd hates guns and will only use one as a last resort. In the first, Odd takes out most of the bad guys with a baseball bat, in the second, bug-shit lady was killed by a cougar, the bad guy in this one was killed by someone else.

Although his ability to see and help the lingering dead is not the main focus of the second or the third, it's still something he does. There is character progression from the first to the third. When we meet Odd he is trying to carve out a life dispite his traumatic childhood and while trying to do right with the gifts he has. After he loses Stormy, the second commitment becomes more intense, because of his conviction that the only way he will meet Stormy on the other side is to live his life in the best way he can, and that means using his gifts to help people. He's sadder, slightly less heedful of danger, but still fully committed to flighting the good flight, in his unconventional way.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, in the fourth through the seventh, the train is derailed, possessed, and also on fire.

Not only does his primary gift take a back seat, but the fight he is flighting isn't between the forces of good and evil, or even between justice and injustice, it's a culture war.

And the side of the war that Odd is on is peopled with climate change deniers, dooms day prepers, anti-government people who supply other "good guys" with guns,  other anti-personnal gear, tech that circumvents federal guidelines. All the "bad guys" are anyone with any sort of power judges, lawyers, cops, corporations, politicians. Their victims are the hard working Americans, the waitresses, the truck drivers... Strike that. The victims are the Christian hardworking Americans who evedently are being "persecuted in their own country" (this might be a different rant for a different blog but I maintain that there is a big difference between Persecution and Denial of Entitlement. Persecution is being in danger of being harassed, hurt, killed or imprisoned for your beliefs, ethnicity or culture. And when that happens justice is less likely to happen for the person or people targeted. Denial of Entitlement is when a person, or people, cry injustice because they either can't dress up their persecution of others in their beliefs, or can't force those beliefs on others, through law, or through being amazingly obnoxious).

Not only are anyone in power corupt, they are satanists, not are they satanists, they are the same sect of satanists who attacked Pico Mundo, not only are they the same satanists that attacked Pico Mundo, they have an actual connection to Satan. Like they can call up demons and monsters.... Yet for some reason they still use bombs, guns and weponized diseases to wreak havoc.

Now, if Koontz wanted to showcase some characterization of how to fight against a corupt system, that's cool, I mean I'm all for calling out people in power. But this vears into government lizard people territory, and if that was the type of book he wanted to write then that's cool too,but he essentially highjacked Odd's story to do it.

I have a hard time believing that when Odd picked up the ghost of Frank Sinatra at the end of Brother, and walked off into the sunset, that the original intent was to end up in the middle of a plot to plant nukes around the country and then, accompanied by pregnant girl who is some how The Virgin Mary's mother, to a house where time travel is possible and mutant pigs fade in from a post apocalyptic future and want to eat people, where they pick up a sort of dead, sort of immortal child, who is neither of those any more. Only to then to leave them to go on a road trip with an old lady, who some how has connections to the metaphysical, and a microchip planted in her ass that makes it to where she doesn't have to sleep, to rescue kids kidnapped by the powerful satanists to be used as human sacrifice. Along the way, they meet up with some fighters in this coming war, who while they do not wear tin foil hats, they have the cheerfully bloodthirsty air of cult members waiting for the end times. (Side note about the roadtrip book: Deeply Odd is the most boring, yet weird book I have read since Breaking Dawn. Say what you will about the crazy pigs and time travel in Odd Apocalypse, it's at least interesting).

And then to end up back in Pico Mundo to fight said satanists. The in increasingly nonsensical plots really just there to deliver commentary on how the world has gone to shit and everyone is to focused on the material.

Again, remember that Odd is pretty apolitical. He's never voted, owns only the clothes on his back, prefers Shakespeare and old movies to tv, which I figure also includes the news. How does this not equal out to a kid being a patsy for this group, which essentially takes over the narritive. I mean, yeah, he's still doing his thing, but he has many of his moves ditcatated by this group. This includes carrying a gun, all the time.

Again, Odd hates guns. Granted, by the last book, he has spent three books killing people with guns while talking about how much he hates killing people with guns, but up till the last two books, his hatered of guns is seen as a virtue, and then suddenly, he's an idiot if he doesn't arm himself to take a piss.

This makes very little sense to me. Odd is a simple guy, he wants to live his life as long as he has to, do right by the dead and make his way back to Stormy, all the while perfecting his pancake recipe. How the fuck did we get from this to "Everything is shit, there are three type of people, those in power who are working for the devil, those on the side of the angels and the idiots who don't see what's going on. And dispite all the supernatural stuff, we still need to busta cap in someone's ass.

I know that Koontz is Catholic, and I speculate that he had a renewal of his faith somewhere, but also somewhere along the line he took a turn into conservative libertarian territory if that is a thing that can exsist.

I feel like originally, the idea was to have Saint Odd follow Brother Odd, at least in some incarnation. It makes sense, the satanist sect want to come back and finish what was started, and take out the town and Odd, who cocked it up to begin with. In the first book Odd describes Roberts and his cohorts as playing satanists but just using it as a delivery system for their sick want to kill people and be famous for it. It follows that others who are also playing at being satanists would come back to town to get revenge for their fallen brethren. This also trucks with Forever Odd where the bug-shit lady was playing at being a Vudun, and with Brother Odd where people played at being faithful.

This is how ai think it should have gone:

Odd goes from the Abbey, where he is shown, yet again, that evil is a human driven force, that those who wallow in pride, in want of adoration and perfection can be the down fall of themselves and others, back to his home town to defeate these sad delusional people once and for all.

Or

Odd goes home for Christmas at the end of Brother, decides he wants to take vows, and goes about the process of becoming a man of the cloth. Maybe he goes back to St. Bart's, and he figures out a way to help the lingering dead from there, or, after he is confirmed in whatever capacity, he goes back to Pico Mundo and works along side Stormy's priest uncle. He sort of Father Dowlings it until he passes.

Instead, suddenly the structured feel of all of the supernatural things, which (implied by the third book) are based in science and the laws and rules of the universe that God laid down, turns into... Magic?

Doesn't matter how or why, what matters is there is a war! And the little fry cook shall lead them!

Seriously. Five years of Christian School has me seeing the turn that Odd's story takes, a couple of ways.

First it is either an overworked Christ story, where Odd is swept up in a war between the oppressed and the opressers, even though his life and mission is mostly one of mercy. In the end being a sacrifice that saves millions (by preventing the spread out f a weponized strain of rabies) but his sacrifice will only be remembered by a handful of people at first. The difference is of course that Odd buys into the culture war even though it make no sense.

Or, it's a Saint's story. Struggle, strife and miracles. See, it use to be that to be canonized, you had to have three miracles. His miracles? Well, first, his helping of the dead to cross over could be one, the preventing of whatever demon the satanists summoned in Deeply Odd, could be another, and finally, somehow managing to send Little Ozzie the manuscript for Saint Odd after Odd himself had already died, could be the last.

Either way, books four, five, and six are completely unnecessary.

So why does knootz's writing annoy me? It's self righteous and condicending. Poking fun a people who watch tv, enjoy unsophisticated things, bemoaning those who don't see just how stupid it is to buy into media, and how people are just marching their own way to misery because they just don't Get It.

It's the same time of people who look down on adults who do kid stuff sometimes "Why would you read John Green when you can read Dickens? Why would you watch Inside Out when you can watch Citizen Cane?"

Why would you eat coco puffs? Adults don't do that!"

I'm sorry, have I outgrown fun? A book is a book, a movie is a movie, breakfast cereal is breakfast cereal and you should be able to watch anything you want on tv without being shamed by a book that has an exploding cow in it.

[jacewilliams1]

From jars to jets: the forgotten story of the Jetwing

It’s that time of year. Crisp autumn weather means it’s harvest time. Backyard gardens enjoyed a good growing season hear in the Midwest, leaving us with an abundance of produce. What hasn’t been used already is being saved by drying, freezing or canning. There’s even a shortage of canning supplies at the local hardware store.

That got me thinking about glass jars and outer space. Stay with me and I’ll explain.

A few years ago, I visited the Wings Over the Rockies Air and Space Museum in Denver, Colorado. Our daughter and her family live in Denver, so it’s a regular stop for us when traveling. The museum is housed in one of the historic hangars that were once part of the former Lowry Air Force Base. Much like the Glenview NAS, the area has now been redeveloped with housing, restaurants, and other businesses replacing the runways. Today, a B-52 bomber sits outside the hangar’s main entrance.

What is that logo doing on a jet?

While exploring the museum, a familiar logo caught my eye, but it was in an unaccustomed place: the nose of an experimental jet airplane. It was the Ball logo that I had seen on canning jars over the years.

So, how does a company go from glass jars to jets?

Curiosity lead me to doing some research. I learned that the company founded by five Ball brothers in Buffalo, New York, in the 1880s had a fascinating history. Family owned for 90 years, the four main components of their core product, canning jars and lids, were glass, zinc, rubber, and paper. This lead to expansion. The brothers purchasing a zinc rolling mill to manufacture lids and then a paper mill to fabricate the necessary packaging. In time, they also acquired tin, steel, and plastic companies.

During World War II, the company shifted their manufacturing facilities to producing shells and machine parts for the military. Near the end of the 1940s, Ball’s businesses became the focus of an antitrust case that ultimately hindered their ability to acquire other glass manufacturers and glass-making machinery, leading to the company’s first ever net operating loss. It became clear that the company needed to diversify in order to grow.

In 1956, the company formed the Ball Brothers Research Corporation in Boulder, Colorado, to build pointing controls for sounding rockets that carried scientific apparatus aloft in sub-orbital flights. The company eventually built seven of NASA’s early earth-orbiting satellites, making them a member of the aerospace industry.

Around the same time, the company was joined by a talented engineer, biplane enthusiast, and skilled aerobatic pilot by the name of Otto “Pete” Bartoe. In 1973, Bartoe (by then President of Ball Research) convinced the corporation to enter into a joint venture with his alma mater, the University of Colorado, to build what became known as the Ball-Bartoe Jetwing, an oddly shaped, single-engine, single-place aircraft with a stubby wingspan of only 21’9”. Bartoe designed it as a “low-key, low-cost” research vehicle that utilized unique design concepts along with conventional aircraft parts that included a Cessna tailwheel, Bonanza wingtips, and a Citation air intake. The idea was to entice military and commercial contracts with its unique technology.

The Jetwing was a jet powered taildragger with a “blown wing” that diverted the exhaust through wing root nozzles over the top sections of the wing’s leading edge to improve short field takeoff and landing capabilities. Its single Pratt & Whitney engine produced 2,050 pounds of continuous thrust. Tests proved that the “upper blowing surface” technology produced twice the lift of a conventional wing of the same shape and size. A secondary “augmentor” wing mounted just inches above the main wing added a low-pressure slot to guide the exhaust across the wing and draw in additional air to increase lift. Large flaps on the trailing edge effectively created a “bend” in the airstream above the flaps, providing a simple use of downward thrust that enabled the Jetwing to fly as slow as 40 mph. Notably, the aircraft lacked a tailpipe.

It looks odd, but it did fly.

The first flight took place in 1977 at the Mojave Airport, with test pilot Herman “Fish” Salmon at the controls. At low speed, the aircraft flew so slowly that Bartoe used his Super Cub as a chase plane.

Following a number test flights, Bartoe himself flew the Jetwing back to Boulder for more testing. The belly tank only held 106 gallons, which required eleven fuel stops to be made enroute. Because of a scarcity of jet fuel along the way, a mechanic chased the flight in a pickup with a container of Jet A in the back.

In Bartoe’s words, “As long as the engine was running, you couldn’t stall it. Landings were interesting: The jet blast came off the deployed flap, bounced off the ground, and forced the tail up. If you reduced power, the tail would come down suddenly, just as the wing was losing lift. But everything happened at such a slow forward speed that it was manageable.”

In 1978, after being unable to attract outside investment, the Jetwing was donated to the University of Tennessee Space Institute. However, interest in the aircraft increased in 1980 when the Navy considered developing it for use on short aircraft carriers. A new series of test flights were carried out. Despite its top speed of 350 mph, the Navy was able to land the Jetwing in a mere 300 feet.

Ultimately, the Navy discontinued blown-wing research in favor of vectored thrust technology. The Jetwing was returned to its original home in Colorado, where it took its place in history among other aircraft at the Wings Over the Rockies museum.

Continued success at Ball led to its expansion into avionics and aerospace systems. In the early 1990s the Ball Corporation spun off its home canning business. An independent company now retains the license to use the Ball trademark on its own canning product line. Now headquartered in Westminister, Colorado, the Ball Corporation no longer makes glass but is a leading manufacturer of plastic and metal food and beverage containers.

Meanwhile, in 1995, Ball Brothers Research Corporation became Ball Aerospace and Technologies Corp., a wholly-owned subsidiary of Ball Corporation. Today, Ball Aerospace continues to develop innovative equipment and services to the aerospace industry.

Long-time EAA member Otto E. “Pete” Bartoe was inducted into the Colorado Aviation Historical Society Hall of Fame on October 30, 2004. He lives along the front range mountains of northern Colorado.

Epilogue: The Skyote biplane

Bartoe designed an aerobatic airplane (foreground) in addition to the Jetwing.

As an aerobatic pilot, Pete Bartoe dreamed of the ideal biplane. Something with the responsiveness and strength of a Bucker Jungmeister and the low-speed characteristics and fuel economy of a Rose Parrakeet. In the early 1970s, Pete designed and built his dream and named it the Skyote (rhymes with “coyote”). Its first flight was in 1976. Stressed to +9G and -6G, it can fly as slow as 38 kts and fast as 137 kts, with a 1,500 fpm rate of climb and a gross weight of 900 lbs.

In 1976, none other than Bob Hoover took it for a test flight and reviewed it for Sport Aviation. He offered this assessment: “I can only say that it was a rare experience to fly an airplane that exhibited such delightful flying qualities, along with an immense amount of creature comfort. The slow flight feature also provides short field performance that makes any little grass strip quite suitable. The Skyote gets off as quickly as a Super Cub—maybe quicker!”

Pete Bartoe’s personal Skyote is on display next to the Jetwing at the Wings Over the Rockies Air and Space Museum. Plans and components for Skyotes are available from Aircraft Spruce, and an active Skyote type club is based in Grayslake, Illinois. At 2016’s AirVenture in Oshkosh, a Skyote built by John Roberts won the Homebuilt Plans Champion Award. Further information and photos can be found at Skyote.org.

The post From jars to jets: the forgotten story of the Jetwing appeared first on Air Facts Journal.

from Engineering Blog https://airfactsjournal.com/2021/02/from-jars-to-jets-the-forgotten-story-of-the-jetwing/#utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=from-jars-to-jets-the-forgotten-story-of-the-jetwing

[the-firebird69]

Chicago - Saturday In The Park (1973)

This is actually our song and it's about Chicago when Superman goes there it's also about this carnival and how it started things up again and what's sabertooth is thinking and that's one of his names and the scene where he hits someone I think it's the movie salt he's looking at a light thing I see the light what it means is we're doing the sex with physical feats and smaller troops and it's amazing stuff and we can do it and we were there in the carnival doing stuff they were doing and we know how to do it this is wonderful what an idea and he says I'm not there yet damn it but really we have to have like the summer program he probably won't be big for a while and we don't know how long it will take we have the real dates and estimates but he's been loading up with salts and other things that will actually run it it goes the other way it won't preserve it I preserve it as well but only certain ones and not really the ones he's on anything we just need to come out of it before him who are on it after him

Bja

He has a lot of lipoma because he was a baby and they're not going to weigh much and there's some in there and we calculated it and that's why I fight club they're talking about that when they do the liposuction and they want to threatened him to get him there and all the stuff and does nothing truthfully folks it will be a few months before you see any changes and we think maybe end of April so 3 months then it's going to be 100% biological and it will be off and on and he's going to start growing slowly probably like an inch a month for 3 months and eventually he'll be six foot in 3 months and then he'll grow like faster and he'll be eating a lot and he's going to be getting funding so it's coming up but it will take 6 months for him to get in shape and big and bulky to do any kind of lifting like that and probably not that much weight up over his head but he could pull it he could clear it I mean the deadlifted and it would be impressive to anyone and you can do other things with less weight but anybody who won't move it and he's got lines and things he wants to say and he's a ham and he's going to become famous for it and he's going to say stuff like the weight on the stone trying to move it and yeah his dumbbell idea that was his I got 300 lb dumbbell and he wants to come up and lift it up with one arm and one hand and no strap and people will be amazed and it's going to be a good time I mean he's going to be working out with weight like that and it's dangerous but he's going to get in shape for it this is going to be a lot of fun folks I can't wait

Thor Freya

He's telling us he's withdrawing into the shell and I'm speaking very quietly I will tell you this is the time for us we've got the firebird going and the guys helped out a lot and her son and daughter and they were nuts today but this is the system and when you pull those things in to fit they all come out the same so it's a go they say and they say yeah it is and that's what's going to look like it's going to be professionally made and with new moles but those are going to come out within a day or two from now and be everywhere and people who make them are going to be famous and they're going to be rich these cars are so fast there's a motor it's like a LS2 it starts off at 5:50 horsepower you do the top end and the exhaust and you do the top end so the induction still works it works like a blower at about 75 miles an hour and if it's not raining you are going to have an intense ride that car goes almost 800 miles an hour and if you did a few more things to it it would go a lot faster but we're not going to see why that's way too fast the LSU isn't just a 350 you're going to blow any of these supercars off the road with a firebird and Pontiac will be in demand in probably one week already they're getting so many calls we think it might be what gets them but no it's really the sale of Raytheon which is supposed to be tomorrow

Zig Zag

So help me God Trump if you sell that I'm going to kill you myself and we need it okay

Mac Daddy

You know Trump I'd like to kick a like a hundred bucks in on top of what Mac just did to get you to sell it.

Zues Hera

Hey what are you trying to do here

Trump

No really it's just being stupid

Zues Hera

Hahaha 😂

Dave

It's not funny I really mean it I'm going to break your bones and grind you to a pulp in the movie is going to be real if you do that you're not to sell it to them or a secret you idiot you treason is bastard

Mac Daddy

Olympus

[sublimestarker]

Starker smut - Locked and loaded

This is a fill for the Starker bingo 2019. Square filled - cock cage

Taglist: @hpspazz @x-we-won-mr-stark-x

Peter wasn’t sure how or when he found his new kink. He’d been browsing the gay section of pornhub and stumbled onto a bdsm video. He’d rarely watch those types, but the thumbnail looked promising. It was a rather long video, and it featured all the goods – tying up, degradation, spanking, choking. But then the dom got out a strange looking thing and put it the sub’s cock. Peter almost got soft, because it looked painful, but his roommate would be back soon, so he had to finish. As he watched the sub get pounded mercilessly, unable to cum, aroused him more than he thought it would. He imagined himself in that situation and after a few more strokes and Peter had the most powerful orgasm yet.

He’d go back to the video again and again, but sometimes it wasn’t enough. He wanted to experience it, but he had to find a dom, who’d be willing to do it. Craigslist was a no go, he couldn’t find the right guy on Grindr. So Peter resorted to using Reddit and after creating a throwaway account he made a post on r/bdsm. It read ‘’20-year-old gay male looking for a professional dom in the New York area. Mostly into chastity’’. Peter ignored the post for a few hours, in order for it to get enough answers. It gained popularity pretty quickly and he had to read a lot of suggestions. After he scrolled through countless websites, he chose dom T. T had been doing this for 20 years now, he was bisexual and his prices were good. And the cherry on top was that his specialties were orgasm denial, chastity and role play. So Peter didn’t hesitate to book a consultation with his new dom. They exchanged messages and then the male dominatrix sent his client a hotel address and a time for their meeting. He had instructed Peter to text him when he arrived.

Peter’s hands shook as he typed ‘’here’’ on his phone. His thumb hovered momentarily over the send button, then he pressed it. Was he making a mistake? What if he didn’t like the experience? He could always safe word out, but then what? His thoughts were interrupted by the door chime. He looked over and saw T, God that man was more attractive in person. The pictures on the site didn’t do him justice. Peter just waved, to signal that he was the client. That was so cringy, he thought.

‘’I’m Tony.’’. The dom introduced himself.

’’Don’t I have to call you master, or something. Sorry, it slipped out. I’m Peter.’’

‘’You can call me Mr. Stark if you’d like.’’

‘’So, where are we going from here? A bdsm club? Please tell me that you don’t have a red room or a basement dungeon nearby.’’ Pete said, still standing outside.

‘’No, we’re going up to my hotel room. Jesus kid, is this your first time doing something like this?’’ Mr. Stark replied, leading his client inside.

‘’Yeah.’’ Peter said, turning red.

‘’Well I’d be glad to pop your cherry.’’ Tony said, licking his lips.

As they took the elevator up to the penthouse suite, Tony started asking his client some questions.

‘’So kid, how’d you get into cock cages. Most people start off with something less intense, like role play.’’

‘’Well orgasm denial has always been pretty hot, but I couldn’t control myself, I’d always cum. And cock rings were nice, but I wanted something more restrictive.’’

‘’And why did you choose me? I’m sure there were younger and better looking professional doms out there.’’

‘’Well I’ve always been attracted to older men and you Mr. Stark are a silver fox. Another perk was your experience – you definitely know what you’re doing. And you’re fucking hot.’’

‘’Okay Peter, calm down before you cum in your pants. We’re here’’. Tony led him in the hotel room. Then he walked over to the suitcase laid on the bed and started pulling out things like lube, condoms and three velvet cases.

‘’Before we start, let’s go over our rules again. What do we use for communication?’’

‘’The color system – green means I’m okay, yellow means stop the scene for a moment and continue when I’m green again and red means stop the scene completely. We also have a safe word, which is spider.’’

‘’Very good Peter. And which kinks are we here to explore.’’

‘’Chastity, cock cages, orgasm delay and denial, degradation and dd/lb role play.’’

‘’Good. Should we get started?’’

The sub just nodded.

‘’Can you strip for me? I need to figure out the size for the cage.’’ The dom asked.  Peter did as he was told. Mr. Stark examined the sub’s cock for a moment. ‘’Okay, now I need you to get hard.’’. Pete thrust his dick into his fist a couple of times, not that looking at the handsome man beside him wasn’t enough to get him hard.

Mr. Stark took out a pretty pink cock cage, that Peter had definitely seen before. It was called the vice and it retailed for about 150 dollars. The dom had chosen the plus size and it seemed like it would fit snugly on Pete’s cock. Peter closed his eyes as the dom put on the cock cage, he was always squeamish when it came to that part.

‘’I’m done. Look at your pretty little cock.’’. So he did, and it was pretty – the cage had some extra parts and the black padlock was contrasting with the pink. He reached down to feel it, when Tony lightly smacked his wrist.

‘’Who said you could touch it. Don’t misbehave, kitten or daddy will have to punish you.’’

Tony sank down to his knees and licked the bottom of the cock cage, almost as if he was giving him a blowjob. Peter buckled his hips forward and the other man pulled away.

‘’Strike two, kitten. One more and you’re out. Behave.’’

‘’Make me.’’

‘’That’s it. I’m gonna give you 10 spanks for that. And after that I’ll fuck you so good you won’t be able to walk tomorrow. Get in my lap like a good boy count them for me.’’

Tony lovingly caressed Peter’s ass, before bringing his palm harshly down on it.

‘’One’’

‘’Two’’ That was harder than the first one

‘’Three’’ Peter’s ass was already red and aching. He couldn’t touch himself and he was so hard against the cage that it almost hurt. But the pain was delicious, much like the pain that he was currently receiving from his dom.

Each spank felt different. He barely got to ten, his voice breaking when he said the last number.

Hearing this, Tony asked concerned

‘’Color?’’

‘’Green.’’

‘’Okay. Kitten, I’m gonna fuck you now. Make your whore mouth scream for daddy.’’ Mr. Stark laid Peter on his stomach, placing a pillow underneath his cock. The sub could hear the lube cap pop off, and moments later he felt Tony’s finger at his entrance.

‘’You’re so tight for me, Peter. I wanna fuck you so bad, wanna ruin your pretty little hole.’’ Pete just moaned, not thrusting his voice. He could accidentally make a bratty remark and get punished again. As Mr. Stark added a second finger, he could hear him unwrapping the condom. Before thrusting in, the dom asked once again.

‘’Color?’’

‘’Green.’’

Tony was bigger than any guy Peter had been with. He was long and thick, filling him almost to the brim. The sub thought how much he’d love to suck that cock, gagging on the length.

‘’Kitten, you take me so well. I don’t think I’ll last long with the way you’re squeezing around me. ‘’ Tony grabbed Pete’s hips and began thrusting fast and shallow, making his cheeks bounce. The dom angled his thrust so he could hit his sub’s g-spot.  A few more thrusts and Tony came, finishing inside the condom. While he was riding out his orgasm, Peter’s cock was painfully hard in the cock cage. He needed to cum.

Tony disposed of the condom and walked over to him. He laid Pete on his back and unlocked the cock cage, taking off all the parts. Peter’s dick sprang free, hard with beads of precum on the head.

Mr. Stark grabbed both his cock and Pete’s and jerked them together. It took the sub 2 strokes to cum all over Tony’s chest. The dom was about to pull his hand away, in order to not overstimulate his partner

‘’Don’t stop. Please, I can go again.’’

‘’You sure?’’

’’Yes. Please make me cum again.’’

Tony took both cocks again as Peter thrust forward, moans spilling from his mouth. He cums with Mr. Stark and almost falls to the ground too spent move. He’s a mess – all red and sweaty, his stomach covered in cum. Tony grabs a washcloth and cleans them both up.

‘’I should go.’’

‘’It’s late, Pete. Just crash on the couch.’’

‘’Okay. As long as you don’t charge me 300 dollars an hour for that.’’

[littlemessyjessi]

“Don’t Tempt Me”: Harry James Potter Imagine: Halloween Series

Harry James Potter x Reader: PS Reader, Plus Size Reader There are still some spots available for my Harry Potter Halloween Series so if you're interested go and check it out and submit a request through the ask box. Prompt:  "My god, you literally fly around on a broom with a ball enchanted to beat the hell out of you and you’re afraid of a muggle horror movie?”   “Puppy eyes will not work on me.  If you jump in these leaves, I will murder you and wear your skin as my Halloween costume.” Requested by: @thestuffs-stuff​

In reality, it really should've come as no surprised that Harry James Potter, The Chosen One, celebrity extraordinaire of the wizarding world would end up with a muggle.

Love the wizarding community as he may...you were a breath of fresh air when you had no fucking clue who he was.

That was amazing to him ... especially after the fucking catastrophe that was the second war the part that he played in it.

But you... you were this undeniably sassy muggle who hadn't the foggiest who he was...or cared for that matter.

And he just found that more enchanting than any spell he'd ever seen.

It took a fair bit of convincing for him to win you over anyway and honestly, he figured he'd blown it the day he decided to tell you he was a wizard.

He understood the shock of course- having a good deal of his young life without the knowledge of magic and definitely not in believing he possessed it.

However, you took it surprisingly well ... even if you were determined to do things the muggle way.

Just as you were at that very moment.

He watched from the kitchen window in Godric's Hollow, the house his parents had together.

For the longest time, he resisted the very idea of it as it had also been where they died but eventually he decided that it was time to wash away the old memories and let new ones bloom.

New ones with you and when you were around everything just seemed so much better.

After a year of dating, he'd asked you to move in with him.

Harry loved you so much and couldn't stand the thought of not living with you any longer.

He'd proposed about fifteen seconds afterwards.

You promptly informed him that you weren't ready for marriage any time soon and you honestly didn't know if you ever would be and he accepted that.

"We'll take our time, love." he shrugged. "I'm in no rush just so long as I know you're around. You just let me know whenever you're ready."

It was a challenge- living together that is-  with him having become so used to doing things the wizarding way and you, of course, doing things the muggle way.

He had to remember at times how to do simple things.

However, he'd admit that sometimes you made life so much more difficult for yourself when he could literally just wave his wand and it'd be done.

But you were stubborn.

Which is exactly why the brisk autumn wind whipped at your cheeks as you raked the leaves smattering the back yard.

The kettle whistled and he didn't hesistate to pour your both a steaming cup of tea before heading out to give you a much needed break.

You were that way.

Once you got started, you had a bit of tunnel vision and you'd work yourself into a tizzy if it wasn't finished.

He admired your spunk and your drive...but sometimes you needed to chill out.

"Love." he called as he closed the door behind him. "Come have some tea."

"Just a minute, babe." you said. "I'm almost done."

"The leaves will still be there in a minute but the tea will be cold in that time." he said with a small smirk. "Now come on."

"Oh, fine." you said, leaning the rake against the fence and joining him on the swing.

You sipped the tea and your eyes closed at the taste.

"Harry James, you really do make a nice cup of tea." you complimented.

He twirled his wand around his fingers, "Thank you, love."

You rolled your eyes at him but the smile played at your lips.

Soon enough you'd finished your tea and you returned to your lawn tidying while Harry occupied the swing and just watched you.  

You lifted an eyebrow at him suspiciously and he feigned innocence.  

“Puppy eyes will not work on me.  If you jump in these leaves, I will murder you and wear your skin as my Halloween costume.” you threatened.

He held his hands up in surrender, "Don't mind me, love.  Just enjoying the view."

"Potter, if you're going to stare, the least you could do is help." you teased.

"Well, I tried to help last week and you yelled at me." he teased.

"I did not yell at you." you gasped. "I simply told you that not everything had to be done with a wand."

"You seemed to like my wand last night." he smirked.

"Harry!" you laughed in surprise.

He cracked at that, "I can't believe I just made the wand joke.  All of wizarding community would disown me immediately."

"I highly doubt that." you laughed raking the last of the leaves into a pile. "Now then, all finished. I just need the bags and then I'll be- Harry! How could you?!"

Two strong arms had promptly yanked you backwards into leaves where you crashed into a firm chest and colors of autumn danced around you.... before littering the lawn again.

Harry's laughter filled your ears and you tried to pummel him.

"Harry! James! Potter! You watched me do all that and then you- you- you- ugh! That's it! I'm skinning you and wearing you for Halloween! I warned you!"

"Oh, love!" he chuckled as he leaned up on his elbows and tried to kiss you.  "I'll clean it up!  Come on!"

"The muggle way!" you said and shoved him back into the leaves.

"The muggle way, yes." he agreed still trying to get a kiss.

"No you won't." you rolled your eyes.

"No, you're right.  I won't." he laughed and promptly flicked his wand and muttered an enchantment and the leaves were all tied nicely into big black bags by the fence.

You glowered at him, “Don’t tempt me.” 

"Aw, come on, love." he said trying his best to tickle you into a good mood.

"You're watching The Exorcist with me." you informed him and he paled instantly.

You rolled your eyes, "My god, you literally fly around on a broom with a ball enchanted to beat the hell out of you and you’re afraid of a muggle horror movie?”  

"Love, that's different.  That little girl is bloody creepy." he said with a shudder.

"I can not believe I'm going to marry such a wuss." you said throwing your hands up.

Harry froze for a moment before rocketing up to look at you.

"Wait...what?" he asked, those emerald eyes of his searching yours.

"I said, I can't believe I'm going to marry such a wuss." you clarified.

"Marry?" he asked.

"Yes, marry." you said. "That is if you still want to be my husband. Harry James Potter, will you marry me?"

"Yes!" he said tackling you. "Yes, love.  Anything you want.  I don't care where or what or how.  I'm in.  Let's do it!"

You erupted into a fit of giggles, "Alright, Mr. Potter.  A wedding it is.  And I suppose if I'm to be reasonable about it, we can do things your way.  With magic.  But for the love of God, I will be having some muggle traditions."  

"Anything you want, Future Mrs. Potter." he said, lips against yours. "I don't care if we get married in a pile of leaves by a Squirrel Priest."

And at that, you nearly passed out from laughing too hard.

Fin.

Hope you enjoyed, loves!

All my love, Mama Kennysaurus

@frankie2902

@pleasantdreamqueen   @becrazy–beyou

@littledeadrottinghood @blackirisposts

@therealmrshale @woodworthti666 @thegreatirene@fanfictionandjunk

@angelus320

@alanlizzingtonshore@buriednurbckyrd@disneymarina @tubbypeachwriting

@sullybot @georgiagrl1990 @whenallsaidanddone

@mischiefnevermanaged94 @inumorph

@congurl

@centerhabit

@bubblymusiclover13

@qtmeryr

@thisismysecrethappyplace

@tnupsweetpie

@alisoncdariel

@hannahloveslife

@wormyboi

@blackirisposts

@maggyme13

@amethyst09

@ibenkastberg

@fanfics1717 @mrscasnovak

@thickemadame @babygirl-barnes

@theladyofmasks @aengsty

@kalliravenne​

@witchygagirl

[am-i-dissociating-or-depressed]

SO I found a calculator to tell me how many calories i need to maintain my current weight (about 2200) BUT if I eat 1200 calories a day I can lose about 2 lbs a week and a package of club crackers can fill me up usually and they're only 300 calories so if i go back to eating once a day I can get down to 160 pounds in just 20 weeks

I don't have that much self control I don't think but its good to know that's an option

[atomicwedgienerd]

Boyfriend Twins No Longer

Derek was furious. Last night had been his 21st birthday and what should have been a blast had been ruined by all the jerks at that gay bar. “Boyfriend twins!” The taunt rung through his mind. Nobody had ever made fun of him and Arjun before! They didn’t even look that similar. After all, Derek might be tan but he could never be compared to Arjun. Sure they had both been wearing Abercrombie shirts and khakis in nearly the same hue, but lots of people dressed like that! And besides, Derek though their matching sneakers were cute. And yet, when they walked into that one queer bar in town, the hipsters all turned to them and immediately started laughing. The door guy asked if they were clones and the bartender asked if there was a 2-for-1 special at the Abercrombie shop. Like they were so cool just because they had piercings and tattoos! That didn’t make them unique! There were plenty of hipster “boyfriend twins” in that bar and nobody gave them any guff! Regardless, Derek couldn’t stop fixating on it. He hated being criticized by other gays after a lifetime of being mocked by straight people for being different. He glanced over at Arjun as he snoozed, admiring his butt in the matching pair of Andrew Christian briefs that they had actually bought in a 2-for-1 sale. Well damn, thought Derek, maybe we are a little similar. “Are you ok, hun?” Arjun asked, stirring from his sleep. Derek sighed and turned away. “You can’t be upset about the boyfriend twins thing, can you?” Derek harumphed and turned to his lover, unaware that the mystical forces that grant birthday wishes had decided to pay attention to Derek this year. “I just wish we weren’t so similar!” Derek said angrily. A lighting bolt cracked across the sky, scaring both of the boyfriends. “You’re being dramatic,” Arjun sighed as he got up from the bed. “Let me make you some coffee and we can do something fun for your birthday. Arjun headed out to the kitchen, his ass looking great in the jockstrap he was wearing. Wait, that wasn’t right, thought Derek. They had the same pair of underpants! “Arjun!” Derek cried. “What’s up with that jockstrap!?” “Uh duh, it’s what I always wear, bro,” Arjun yelled back from the kitchen. That didn’t seem right to Derek. He looked down at his own lap and noticed that he was now wearing a pair of plain Hanes tighty-whiteys. That definitely wasn’t right. He sat up and leaned over the edge of the bed but something else was wrong. His feet didn’t reach the floor anymore. Derek panicked and stood up. He looked in the mirror and something was off. Where they had both been a solid 5’11” before, Derek couldn’t be more than 5’8” now and he was looking leaner than usual. There was something weird going on with his hair but Derek couldn’t really discern it in the mirror. He grabbed his pair of thick black framed glasses from the end table and threw them on. His hair was paler, more red, than before and seemed to be stuck in a weird center part. This was not the haircut he had gotten a week ago. And wait a minute! Derek didn’t need glasses! He threw them off and the world turned into a total blur. Derek started to panic, breathing heavily and starting to hyperventilate. Arjun reentered the room, or at least Derek thought the blurry shape was Arjun—it seemed taller—and handed Derek a glass of skim milk. “What’s this?” Derek whined, his voice noticeably higher pitched. “Where is my coffee?” “You can’t drink coffee, bro,” Arjun laughed, his voice noticeably deeper. “You’re spastic enough as it is.” Arjun took a deep sip of his coffee. “Give me a sip of your coffee then!” Derek whined. Arjun laughed. “You need to put on your glasses dude.” Derek did as he was told and was shocked as the world came into focus. The Arjun in front of him was different. He was taller for one, at least 6’2” now, and substantially more muscular than he had been before. Whereas Arjun had always been clean shaven, he was now sporting a decent five o’clock shadow. Derek rubbed his face; it was now smooth where before he had been sporting the beginnings of a beard. And then Derek noticed Arjun wasn’t drinking coffee at all. He had a protein shake. “Something isn’t right!” Derek wheezed. Arjun rolled his eyes and handed him an inhaler. “You need to calm down bro. And use your inhaler. You know you’re not supposed to get excited. It’s time for us to get dressed and head to campus anyways.” “But it’s my birthday!” Derek complained, taking three short puffs of the inhaler. “So who cares!?” Arjun laughed. “Get out of my room and go get dressed!” Arjun’s room!? But they had shared a room for six months. Regardless, Derek felt too timid to argue and he shuffled meekly out of the room. Derek headed down the hallway and then noticed his backpack peeking out from their study. He opened the door and was shocked at what he saw. It wasn’t a study any more. It had turned into a bedroom. In the center was a twin sized bed with Pokemon sheets. The walls were decorated with anime posters and cardboard cut outs of Lord of the Rings figures. There was an entire shelf of trophies from Math League, Chess Club, the 24-Hour Coding Challenge, Klingon Karaoke. Whoever had this room was a total dork! And that’s when Derek saw it. A framed picture on the wall of a total dork with Patrick Stewart at a comic convention. The guy looked familiar even though he was wearing thick glasses and the nerdiest clothes Derek had ever seen. He looked closer and gasped. It was HIM. But this wasn’t right! This room belonged to a total dork and Derek wasn’t a geek! He barely even used his computer. And yet this room had a massive desk with multiple computers on them, running World of Warcraft! Derek looked at the picture again and shook his head. This couldn’t be right. He would never dress like this! And yet when Derek opened the closet. all the clothes matched those in the pictures. Plaid button downs, cheap pleated dress slacks, shiny leather shoes. None of it seemed right. “Hurry the fuck up and get dressed!” Arjun yelled from out in the hall. Derek had never heard him yell like that before. That wasn’t the Arjun he knew but something made Derek quiver. He did not want to make Arjun mad! He sighed and started getting dressed. He buttoned up the button down all the way to the top and felt compelled to add a too short black tie. He put on a pair of clashing brown slacks that stopped a couple of inches above his ankle and couldn’t stop himself from attaching a pair of red suspenders that yanked the waist of the pants up above his belly button. All of Derek’s socks were white crew socks now and they clashed with his black patent leather shoes but he could hear Arjun getting impatient so he threw them on in resignation. He was scared to make Arjun mad; something he had never felt before. He looked at himself in the mirror and sighed. He looked like a total dork! He had definitely shrunk too! There was no way he was over 5’2” now. “HURRY UP DWEEB!” Arjun boomed from the living room. Derek grabbed his backpack and meekly shuffled out, his confidence totally eradicated. He gasped when he saw his boyfriend. Arjun towered over him now, standing at a solid 6’6”. Where he had been slightly muscled before, he was now a total meathead, weighing in at 300 lbs of pure muscle. The five o’clock shadow he had moments before was now a beard of epic proportion that came down to mid chest and his hair was up in an unruly and super masculine bun. Arjun’s muscles were massive… unlike anything Derek had ever seen and they were on full display as Arjun was now wearing a muscle tank that said “Give Me Deadlifts or Give Me Death” on it. On his legs, he wore tight black sweats that showed off every bit of muscle in his thighs and his massive calved. His arms were now dotted with tattoos and an 8 gauge septum piercing adorned his nose while double zero gauges rested comfortably in his ears. “S-s-s-since when do you l-l-l-lift weights?” Derek said, now aware that he stuttered. “S-s-s-s-since fucking forever, braceface,” Arjun laughed. Braceface? Why would Arjun call him that? But Derek reached up and touched his mouth and knew the answer. Huge clunky orthodontics were now glued to his teeth and when he caught his reflection in the mirror, he sighed. “You sh-sh-shouldn’t talk to your own boyfriend like that,” Derek implored. This sent Arjun into a series of hearty chortles. “Boyfriend!?” he laughed. “I would never date a dweeb like you, fuckwad. The only reason we live together is that the college said I needed to get my grades up if I wanted to stay on the weightlifting team and well, you’re too much of a fucking pussy to stand up to me when I ask you to do my homework.” Derek tried to argue but found himself getting too nervous. I guess I am too much of a pussy, he thought. “You’re right, Arjun,” Derek complied. Arjun rolled his eyes. “How many times have I told you? It’s AJ, not Arjun. Only my mom calls me Arjun. Now let’s get going.” Arjun grabbed Derek by the waist of his tighty whiteys, effortlessly lifting him up in a painful wedgie and carried him out the door. As they walked to campus, Derek felt all eyes on them. People were swooning over Arjun—er—AJ and pointing and laughing at Derek the whole way. He couldn’t stand it! AJ and Derek couldn’t be more different. That’s when it hit Derek. The wish. HE HAD WISHED FOR THIS. “Th-th-this isn’t what I wanted,” Derek said meekly as they arrived on campus. “Well I didn’t want to have to spend time with the university’s least attractive virgin but here we are,” AJ said as he dumped a bunch of books in Derek’s hands. “I’m going to need all these papers written by Monday so I can stay on the team.” “B-b-b-but-“ “No buts, dork!” AJ yelled as he shoved him towards the library. Derek looked at AJ with tears in his eyes. They had been so close, so in love, and now this was their life. More muscular hunks walked up to AJ as they started heading off to the gym. Derek turned meekly and started shuffling towards the library, his spindly legs giving him an awkward gait. “Hey nerd!” AJ yelled after Derek. “You forgot your student ID!” He flung it at Derek and it hit him right in the forehead, causing a chorus of laughs from AJ’s weightlifting bros. Derek struggled to pick it up from the ground without dropping all his books and gasped at his ID. For a brief moment, it listed the correct information: “Derek Parker, English Comp” before shimmering for a moment and changing. Derek blinked his eyes and looked at it again through this thick coke-bottle glasses. “Derwin Pimpleberg, Computer Science,” he sighed. Derek—make that Derwin—had totally changed, and all because of this stupid birthday wish. He headed into the library wanting to cry. Luckily, Derwin found academic achievement easy, which was great because soon AJ was making him do not only his homework, but also all of AJ’s weightlifting bros’ homework. AJ and his boys would come around on Saturdays and get wasted before heading out leaving Derwin alone to play World of Warcraft all weekend. While AJ would bring home a different stud every night to fuck, Derwin was alone reading fantasy novels and writing World of Warcraft fanfiction. And the noise from AJ’s heavy fucking made Derwin sad. Before the change, Derek and Arjun had had plenty of sex, but Derwin—well that was a different story. He was a virgin and try as he might over the next few decades, no one ever wanted to have sex with him and he remained a virgin forever. Eventually, the now roommates graduated but AJ didn’t want to let Derwin go. Why would he? Derwin was too meek to fight with AJ and would clean up after him, make his protein shakes, and wash his dirty gym clothes for him. Besides, whereas AJ’s degree was useless, Derwin’s computer science degree was a cash cow and Derwin was making tons of money consulting. Of course, AJ had made Derwin sign over all of his bank accounts to him so AJ could focus on professional body building instead of working, meaning that Derwin still had to wear cheap dorky clothes and couldn’t really afford to go out, not that he had any friends he needed to see. A few year later, Derwin had to go to his high school reunion and AJ decided to tag along. All of Derek’s friends were shocked to see that their old buddy was now a total nerd stereotype that went by Derwin but they were all enamored with AJ and joined in on mocking, ridiculing, and beating up Derwin. As his former friends hoisted him up the flagpole so he had to just dangle there in an atomic wedgie, Derwin sighed. He had wished that he and AJ were different and well, it couldn't have come any more true. 

[taylordelaware]

How I learned to read an SDC/Kasidie profile after 8 months:

- “We do not play on the first date”: my husband will find something wrong with you and we will never see you again, but you can pay for the drinks.

- “We do not kiss”: drama couple. Their rulebook is thicker than the NFL’s.

- “Great with his tongue and fingers”: compensates for a very small dick. It’s all good tho.

- “Played sports in college”: good stories to share from 50 lb ago.

- “She likes a woman’s touch but prefers men”: TRANSLATION: I am not going down on you, girl, but you can eat me.

- “My husband likes to watch”: old man, cannot get it up.

- “Upscale couple”: you gotta drive a German car to talk to us. Will inspect your sheets for bedbugs with a flashlight.

- “Classy”: if you have to say it, probably not. 10 years older than displayed age

- “We are soulmates”: we have sex once a month, max.

- “Open-minded”: couple that wonders why they only attract bisexual males.

- “He is 100 percent straight, but understands that incidental contact can happen in close quarters”: bi-curious male, will “incidentally” grab and suck your cock. Oops.

- “Young couple": inexperienced and full of drama, will cry after sex. Are those boobs real?

- “Soft swap but full swap if attraction is there”: attraction starts at 8 inches or after 4 drinks.

- “Athletic couple”: we cannot carry a conversation but we look darn good.

- “Athletic man”: very likely to have a small dick or a small brain. Or both.

- “We are very discreet, due to the public nature of our jobs”: we make more money than you.

- “Prefer not to say my weight”: 200 lb. “A little extra padding”: 250 lb. “BBW”: 300 lb.

- “Wants a gang bang”: plays once a year. Organized. Has an alphabetized pantry.

- "Prefers bareback”: STD warning. No.

- “Loves a BBC”: only likes BBCs. Cuckold husband has a small dick but a thick wallet.

- “We like live music”: no conversation, but very slutty. Recommended!

- “We are open-minded but he is straight”: confused. Sucks cock.

- “We are straight but he is open-minded”: super confused. He takes it in the butt with wild abandon.

- “NO SINGLE MEN” repeated 5 times in large caps: lawyer - will sue you if you cum in her mouth.

- “We do not drink”: “we-are-no-fun” warning.

- “Very picky”: I am a bitch, and I go the gym 5 days a week. Pillow princess. Too good for you.

- "Do not contact us unless you look exceptional”: jerks. Might have a lake house though.

- “We do not validate anyone”: ungrateful jerks. Soft swap only.

- “We do not accept any new friends”: jerks or doctors.

- “We don’t pay for sex”: we used to go to strip clubs, but we are broke.

- “Sophisticated couple”: old and wrinkly. Will pay for your drinks. Has a pontoon boat.

- “Biker” or "Viking" or "Cosack": escaped convict, will fart in your face. Tattoos provide for fun bedtime reading.

- “Country boy”: fat and small dick, but makes his own beer. Can be fun. Gun is under the front seat of the F150.

- “Foodie”: overweight, will bring penis-shaped cookies to your party. Usually good fun. She sucks a mean dick.

- “Need to voice verify”: will find something wrong with you.

- “Married, but to other people”: Admiral Ackbar says it’s a trap. Just looking for a free hotel room, might let you watch but that is it. Guaranteed drama.

- “Soft swap only”: my husband is really into this but not me. Eats pussy like her life depends on it.

- “Fun loving female”: I am a slut, proud of it, good at it. Book me a year in advance.

- “We play spur of the moment”: moody and capricious. House is probably messy, cannot host. Has unruly kids.

- “Our goal is for everyone to be relaxed”: once we get high, we fall asleep.

- “Not Ken and Barbie” or “not Brad and Angelina”: one of us is really ugly. Maybe both.

- “We are the couple in the middle of your block that you talk to when you walk around the neighborhood”: ax murderers or Russian spies. Or worse: PTA lady and HOA president.

- “Our kids are out of the house”: we party every night. Will drink you under the table. Will borrow some molly from you.

- “We are looking to expand our circle of friends”: we might play with you twice. Got expelled from the country club. Into anal.

- “We are a professional couple in our mid-40s”: sluts. Love em.

- “We are very down to earth”: country sluts.

- “We are emotionally secure”: super sluts. Plays three times a night at your party.

- “We have been exploring our sexuality”: bisexual sluts.

- “Life is short”: huge sluts. Usually bring Jell-O shots to parties. Will fuck in the pool or standing up in the kitchen. Girl likes a mean GB. A lot of fun.

- “We are emotionally monogamous”: biggest sluts. Worth a try.

- “We do this to spice up our marriage”: She is a Hotwife, has a permanent hall pass.

- “Cannot entertain” combined with “will not travel”: we just want to sext and waste your time.

- “Still figuring out our rules”: really jealous husband, doesn’t kiss, has a gun.

- “Will not take one for the team”: we look better than you. Waste of time.

- “On a break”: drama...

- “We enjoy MFM”: both suck cock. Uses words like “compersion” and “polyamorous”.

- “We are looking for quality, not quantity”: small penis, eager lady.

- “We are in the lifestyle for the Journey”: don’t stop believin’.

[thecreaturecodex]

Nascent Demon Lord, Punchinello

“Mr. Punch and his Victims” in the public domain

[Punch and Judy baffles me. The idea of a psychopathic, shrieking wife-beater as wholesome family fun somehow survived into the modern era, although the spread of Punch’s influence has mostly been reduced back to England since its global spread in the colonial era. Or has it? Mr. Punch seems to me to be both an important contributor to the killer clown motif and the first wisecracking killer. Both the Joker and Freddy Kreuger have a lot of Mr. Punch in their bloodlines.

When writing this entry, I wasn’t sure how to approach Judy, Punch’s frequent punching bag. Making her a pure victim, or even a rotating cast of victims, feels more accurate to the puppet show, and would elevate Punch from “very dark” to “the darkest thing I’ve ever written for this blog”. On the other hand, in America “Punch and Judy” is idiomatic, and the idea of them as a permanent matched set is deeply ingrained, even in the UK. The play’s not called “Punch and the Crocodile”, for instance. So I hedged my bets and provided multiple possible paths for different GMs to take. ]

Punchinello King of Puppets, Master Punch, Punch Concerns: over-reaction, slapstick comedy, violence Domains Chaos, Destruction, Evil, Strength Subdomains Demon, Ferocity, Rage, Whimsy Worshipers evil clowns and comedians, murderers, urban barbarians Minions bogeymen, fiendish dire crocodiles, vrocks Unholy Symbol a leering jester’s face Favored Weapon greatclub Obedience beat a Tiny or larger creature to unconsciousness or death. Another creature must witness the act, and you must make a joke about the victim to the witness. Gain a +4 profane bonus to saves against effects that cause fatigue or exhaustion Boons 1: hideous laughter 2/day; 2: divine power 2/day; 3: harm 2/day

Nascent Demon Lord, Punchinello This little man appears to be a caricature of a human, with arched back and swollen belly, bulging eyes and a nose and chin that curve and nearly meet. He wears a jolly jester’s motley and floppy cap, but carries an enormous, bloody club.

Master Punchinello, King of Puppets, is a violent maniac who is nevertheless loved by many for his wit and humor. This is despite his teaching that all problems are best solved with a savage beating, and that family and community members should fall under your blows if they stand in your way or merely irritate you. Punch’s cruelty is often laughed off under the guise of comedy, but real abuse and violence is normalized and spread by his gospel.

Punchinello’s origins are unclear. It is possible that he was formed from the soul of an evil clown, jester or comedian, but it seems just as likely that he spawned from the Abyss as a physical manifestation of violence as humor. Master Punch does not have a realm of his own, but wanders from layer to layer of the Abyss. Punch frequently visits the courts of true demon lords and acts as jester, advisor and assassin for them. He may also pop into the Material Plane for a bit of good fun—although his definition of “fun” typically involves possessing a mortal and using their bodies to engage in gruesome acts of brutality.

Combat is Punch’s bread and butter (he does also enjoy actual bread and butter). He is rarely found without Scaramouche, his signature greatclub, but can lay out punishing blows with his bare hands as well. He considers the use of damaging magic to be cheating—but only if he is at the receiving end and not the deliverer. Those that try to attack him can be overcome with laughter, standing helplessly as he savagely crushes their allies. As is fitting for a consummate performer, Punchinello is healed immediately for an encore if he is knocked unconscious; he typically has the good sense to retreat to fight another day shortly after using this ability.

Of concern to scholars is the identity of “Judy”, the most frequent target of Punch’s abuse. Some believe that “Judy” is what Punchinello calls any woman he feels the need to berate and beat, and that Punchinello should therefore be considered a patron of domestic violence specifically as well as all violence in general. Others argue that Judy can give as good as she gets, and that there is a unique Judy, perhaps a fellow nascent demon lord of similar abilities and power level. If this is the case, Punch and Judy together would be the patrons of meaningless, eternal conflict. Both may be true from a certain point of view, with Punch lashing out at miscellaneous women when the real Judy is unavailable or victorious in their quarrels.

Punch is both short and fat, standing about five feet tall and weighing just over two hundred pounds. Despite this and his other physical abnormalities, he is remarkably quick and strong.

Punchinello        CR 22 XP 615,000 CE Medium outsider (chaos, demon, evil, extraplanar) Init +12; Senses darkvision 60 ft., Perception +32, true seeing Aura cloak of chaos (DC 26), whimsy (60 ft., DC 31) Defense AC 40, touch 27, flat-footed 26 (+12 Dex, +1 dodge, +4 deflection, +12 natural) hp 418 (27d10+270); encore Fort +23, Ref +31, Will +23; improved evasion DR 20/ cold iron and good; Immune charm and compulsion effects, death effects, electricity, poison; Resist acid 30, cold 30, fire 30; SR 33 Offense Speed 40 ft., air walk Melee Scaramouche +41/+41/+36/+31/+26 (2d8+20/19-20 plus 1d6 sonic and trip) or 2 slams +39 (2d10+12 plus trip) Special Attacks slapstick Spell-like Abilities CL 22nd, concentration +30 Constant—air walk, cloak of chaos (self only, DC 26), true seeing At will— chaos hammer (DC 22), confusion (DC 22), greater teleport (self plus 50 lbs. objects only), hideous laughter (DC 20), mirage arcana (DC 23) 3/day—quickened dimension door, greater dispel magic, quickened harm (DC 24), mislead (DC 24), power word stun, word of chaos (DC 24) 1/day—crushing hand, divine power, greater possession (DC 26), plane shift (DC 25), summon (9th level, 1 demon of CR 20 or lower, 100%) Statistics Str 35, Dex 35, Con 31, Int 20, Wis 14, Cha 26 Base Atk +27; CMB +39 (+43 overrun); CMD 66 (67 vs overrun) Feats Acrobatic Steps, Dimensional Agility (B), Dodge, Greater Overrun, Improved Critical (greatclub), Improved Overrun, Iron Will, Lunge, Mobility, Nimble Moves, Power Attack, Quicken SLA (dimension door, harm), Spring Attack, Step Up Skills Acrobatics +42, Bluff +38, Intimidate +38, Knowledge (local) +32, Knowledge (planes) +35, Perform (comedy, dance) +38, Perception +32, Sense Motive +32, Sleight of Hand +42, Stealth +42 Languages Abyssal, Common, Draconic, Infernal, telepathy 300 ft. SQ nascent demon lord traits Statistics Environment any land and underground (Abyss) Organization unique Treasure double standard (Scaramouche [+2 impact speed greatclub], other treasure) Special Abilities Aura of Mirth (Su) Any creature within 60 feet of Punchinello  that attempts to take hostile action against him must succeed a DC 31 Will save or be dazed with laughter for one round. Creatures that succeed this save, or that have taken damage from Punchinello’s attacks, are immune to Punchinello’s aura of mirth for the next 24 hours. This is an emotion, mind-influencing effect, and the save DC is Charisma based. Encore (Su) The first time Punchinello is reduced to 0 or fewer hit points each day, he benefits from a breath of life spell at CL 22nd as a free action, gaining 5d8+22 hit points. Nascent Demon Lord Traits (Ex/Su) Punchinello is a powerful unique fiend with the following traits:

Immune to charm and compulsion effects, death effects, electricity, poison

Resist acid, cold and fire 30

Telepathy 300 ft.

Punch’s natural weapons, as well as any weapons he wields, are treated as chaotic, epic and evil for the purposes of overcoming damage reduction.

Slapstick (Su) Any manufactured weapon wielded by Punch is exceptionally noisy, dealing 1d6 points of sonic damage per hit. Trip (Ex) Any weapon attacks made by Punchinello, as well as his slam attacks, gain the trip special attack.