#30 of us were wheelchair uses of some sort

[tumble-tv]

When I was at camp I used a camp-issued wheelchair because there's a shit ton of hills and walking involved. You'd think that after working at a camp filled with kids with physical disabilities and wheelchairs they'd be used to seeing kids pop wheelies when they're bored, right?

NOPE. BECAUSE EVERY TIME I DID THEY FLIPPED OUT THINKING I WAS GOING TO FALL. I PROMISE I HAVE A TON OF CORE STRENGTH TO DO THIS. I WONT FALL.

[rosiereveries]

Regency!John Price who inherited his brothers duke title, because his brother died without an heir. John was the second oldest son, and he never thought about being the successor to the title, so he chose a military career.

He was a captain who fought wars and won them, not some lord who fancied balls and dressed in fancy clothing. But now he doesn’t have a choice. John comes back home after he has been badly injured in the battle, he was shot in his leg, and he had to use a wheelchair for quite some time.

When he comes home, to the new house and staff who pities him, he doesn’t feel like a man he once was. At the first ball he must attend he can see everyone eyes on him as he stumbles with his cane. He absolutely hates it. So, he makes a plane, he has to quickly marry some girl, make an heir and go live to the countryside where everyone will leave him alone.

You were on the other hand the youngest daughter of noble family. You weren’t rich, but your sisters and brothers married well, so you could keep good family reputation. Now it was your turn to marry, and as you were introduced to the society you quickly came to the realization, that you will probably end as a wife of some old man, who could be your grandfather.

So, when your cousin Johnny mentions, that his loyal friend and mentor John Price is looking for a wife you are interested. He tells you that John is a duke now and that he wants to get married as soon as possible. From Johnnys stories you know that John is a good man, who will hopefully respect you and treat you well.

You don’t get to meet your husband till the day of the wedding. The whole engagement is short and feels very official. He writes you a letter with things that you should know about your new home and your mother and sisters help you prepare for the married life.

When you finally see your future husband standing in the church, you’re quite surprised. He is very handsome, older than you, probably in his late 30s, but you’re sure that if he waited a little, he could find a better wife that you will be. John on the other hand is smitten by you, he also doesn’t understand why you would choose to marry him.

After the ceremony you immediately leave the town. He is very quiet the whole ride to his mansion and even thought you have many questions you stay quiet too. You arrive late in the night, exhausted from the long travel, but the only thing that concerns you is the wedding night. You heard a lot of horrible stories told by maids about their first nights with their husbands. The only thing that John does is that he shows you your room, tells you which butler to call if you have any troubles and he is gone. You’re left in the huge mansion alone and confused.

The breakfast takes place in the dining room. You sit at the table so far from John that you would have to shout to get his attention. He ignores you most of the time. At first you don’t mind it, you finally have some sort of freedom, you explore the land, the house and you find a huge library with many books you want to read.

But after some time, you start to crave his attention. The maids don’t want to be your friends, they think that it is highly inappropriate, you as a couple don’t attend any balls and there is no noble lady in the near distance you could visit and be friends with.

So, you start to write a diary, you write about how you feel and how would you like your husband to actually acknowledge you. Sometimes you also mention that you find him very attractive and the romance novels that you found in the library don’t help your imagination.

One time you forget your diary in the library and John accidentally picks it up. He thinks its some book that he hasn’t read yet. When he realizes that it is your handwriting, he knows that he should put it down, it is not right to invade your privacy. But then he sees his name there and he must know what you write about him.

He reads the whole paragraphs about how your meetings in the dinning room leaves you all flustered and how you crave his attention. He didn’t think that a young girl like you could find him attractive, and he wanted to be a good husband and leave you as much freedom as you could want. He didn’t want to pressure you into any kind of intimate relationship even though he was pressured by the rest of his family to have an heir. John leaves your diary where he found it, without any evidence that he read it.

The next morning, he invites you to eat breakfast with him in the garden. It is far more intimate, and you finally have a conversation with him. He asks you questions about your hobbies, your family and if you like it here.

It finally feels like he is courting you and you leave every encounter with him with rosy cheeks and butterflies in your stomach. He invites you on walks where he holds your hand as you tell him about your day or about the new book you just left. You spend the whole days together learning about each other.  

John tells you stories about the war, the battles he fought. His leg heals up perfectly and now, that he is healthy again, he takes you with him when he goes riding. When you ask him if he likes the hight society he tells you the truth. He tells you how much he despises the formal event and the balls and suddenly it all makes sense to you.

You finally understand why he wanted to marry so quickly and why you live alone in the middle of nowhere. You tell him that you loved the dancing and the beautiful gown you could wear at balls but now you don’t mind the quiet life. Now you have him and that is all that matters.  

One evening he makes a ball just for you. He invites a musician to play, he buys you an expensive gown and you pretend that you are at some formal event. It’s just the two of you dancing, laughing and drinking expensive champaign he bought for the ball. You dance the whole night and after he walks you to your bedroom he kisses you. It is a soft kiss, just your lips barely touching, but it starts a fire in you, and you want more.

When John realizes that you’re not pulling away he deepens the kiss. He knows that you have no experiences, and he wants to show you that he will treat you well. He spends the night with you, showing you in many ways how much he loves you.

And when you finally fall asleep, he thinks how lucky he is to find a wife like you. When you wake up and you see your husband sleeping in your bad you are very grateful that you accidentally left your diary in the library open on the page that mentioned how hot he was. Such a shame you didn’t come up with the plan a little earlier.

Masterlist

[naamahdarling]

My dad and I are planning to go to the Tulsa zoo for the first time in 20 years, what are your can't-miss zoo exhibits?

You're in for a treat, they've done a lot to make it a lot nicer than it was.

Right up front: You can rent wheelchairs or electric scooters now if you need one. It's $30 for a scooter which is more than I think it should be, but at least they're there. Bring some $1 and $5 bills and some quarters if you want to get souvenir coins or pressed pennies. Gift shop employees usually know where the machines are, there's multiple throughout the park but they move occasionally. (I collect these so I plan around them.)

The new elephant habitat just opened, a BADLY needed improvement, I was very uncomfortable with where their male was housed, he was showing stereotypic behavior. They knew it was an issue and instead of halfassing something they just made something totally new and apparently really amazing. I haven't been to see it yet, but we are going very soon. They're redoing a big part of that side to be a better savannah exhibit, actually, so the east side of the park is a bit sparse.

The rest under a cut. I love our zoo.

Definitely hit the Malayan tiger exhibit, which is close to the front and can be easily visited no matter what other parts of the park you want to see. The female just had babies and I think the daddy is still there too, so even if she isn't out, he might be. The tigers are very comfortable with people. Genuinely. They are often very close to the glass. I have seen them almost every time I have been. Also close to the entrance are the snow leopards, siamangs, and red pandas/binturongs. One siamang female had a baby early last year and they are both beautiful, I got to see the baby when she was VERY NEW. Such tiny hands! Perfect little thing!

The old old old string of four(?) connected buildings devoted to different habitats and stuff have undergone some light remodeling, but last I saw were still rather underwhelming and the exteriors are pretty decrepit now. They were blocked off last time I was there for some repairs and renovations so IDK what they have done or if they are open yet. Ask at the front if you intend to go through but I wouldn't necessarily plan on it unless it's significantly nostalgic for you. The Arctic building is open AFAIK and the zoo's brown bear is out front for the time being, and you don't have to go inside to see the outside of the enclosure. She REALLY likes hanging out near the window and scaring children by opening her mouth suddenly so you might see her.

Hit the Amazon rainforest. It's really nice, and the old lady jaguar auntie besties/girlfriends are there. Chel has been there since she was a baby and I had a really cool interaction with her when she was young so I feel personally attached. Not sure if you ever were there, but they have done a little work on it inside and it's even nicer than it was. There's a part with dart poison frogs! Just hopping around in the open!

The reptile and avian building way in back needs expanding, I think they are redoing it soon? Don't wear yourself out going there. There is however a quiet indoor area right near there for families with autistic kids who need a break and I think also nursing parents?

We are freshly down to one lion who I think is elderly and doesn't come out much, and that whole run of exhibits that used to have bear, lion, tiger, and snow leopard is sort of abandoned right now as they have plans to redo it all, so don't go that way. There are some animals there, I think a bear and one other critter? But it isn't the best use of time.

On the east or southeast, the meerkats are lively and curious and actively seem to enjoy coming over to look at humans. Penguin exhibit is good, and the sea lions. I have never seen the African painted dogs, their area has a lot of cover.

If you have limited time or just tire easily, USE THE TRAIN. Rides are not too expensive. Either take the train to the very back and walk out, or walk to the back and take the train out. Riding TO the back takes you east, it's a pretty ride past a lot of stuff you might want to skip on foot, riding FROM the back takes you west, past a lot of stuff worth seeing, so I recommend going from back to front. It's less tiring anyway. Once you're tired you're already headed out.

Museum gift shop staff are predominantly queer and in my experience they know a lot about what is going on in the zoo in general and probably that day. They might have local zoo honey available right now. Ask, and if they do, get some, it's incredible. The flowers there are abundant and lovely and the honey is incredibly flavorful in a layered way that single-crop honey isn't.

If you see a docent in a building, please talk to them. They LOVE their job and AFAIK are still all volunteers. They have their speeches they give to groups, yes, but if you catch them alone they have even more interesting stuff to share that isn't calibrated for people new to the basics and is more entertaining. The elderly white lady often near the tigers and Komodo dragons is just great. She loves those lizards so much.

If you are on SNAP, you get in I think free, and with a guest.

I have to say and want to acknowledge that the Tulsa Zoo used to be terrible. Jane Goodall shit-talked it, okay? Like, I won't repeat what she said because I don't think it was on record and if it wasn't intended for the public I don't want to put it out there, but it was savage, and painfully accurate. (My ex and I did some docent training there, until I had to drop out because I caught a cold. The Goodall story was relayed by the head primate zookeeper.)

But because they have been CONSTANTLY devising new exhibits and finishing very cool improvements I am comfortable supporting them even though parts of it do still need work.

There's a couple of very wealthy donors and organizations that contribute IMMENSELY to the zoo and to our museums and parks and libraries, and most of the big renovations were done with those grants. Those donors aren't going anywhere, they are genuinely behind the things they support, so it will just continue to get better, and patronage helps show donors and investors and the zoo itself that the work they have done is appreciated. The Tulsa Zoo's rejuvenation is a real success story and I am very proud of them.

It used to be so bad but now they have stuff like the Lost Kingdom with the tiger skybridge and the Komodo dragons and the beautiful architecture and landscaping, and you can see what they're consistently moving towards. More room, and more room back where you can't SEE it so the animals can chill away from people (if one of the newer enclosures look small, there is probably a lot of room in back). The bigger animals are never forced to be close to people. (For reptiles and other smaller critters this is not universal, but they are working on it.)

Anyway yeah it's not that big or flashy I guess but it's ours and I do love it and it keeps getting better.

I hope you have a great time! Let me know!

[contlis12]

death/dark feederism story

Coles cheeks burned with arousal and embarrassment as Ronnie followed behind him through the Walmart parking lot. It had been over 4 years since he had been anywhere near his old town and being back here 300 pounds fatter than he was the last time was like some kind of fantasy and embarrassing nightmare rolled into one. It didn’t help that Ronnie had put on a great show for his old work place. Ronnie and Cole had been in a relationship for over 4 years and theres was definitely not the typical one. Cole was Ronnie’s feedee. They were monogamous, lived together, and were in a committed relationship but they were not a “couple”. The relationship dynamic was too skewed for Cole to be considered his boyfriend in Ronnie’s opinion. He was his feedee, his piggy and his property. They had first met on an extreme gaining forum centered around death feederism and hit it off instantly. Cole moved half way across the country and became Ronnie’s live in feedee spending all day under his feeders care and had blown up from a already hefty 280 pound stoner nerd to a nearly 600 pound wheezing hog that was on the verge of immobility.

Ronnie had decided to celebrate the upcoming milestone with something special. “I want to take you back to your home town piggy, I want people who used to know you to not even recognize you. I want to live out all those fap fantasies you had in the bedroom with me.” Cole was nervous, as hot as the idea of public humiliation was he also dreaded the idea of an old friend seeing him in his current state but it didn’t change the fact he was immensely turned on by the idea and was helpless to serving his feeder. He had been conditioned to be a good piggy.

When they first arrived in town Ronnie had went straight to Walmart, Coles last job before he had left town. Normally Cole would use a walker to go anywhere but Ronnie made him struggle from the handicap van spot in front of the doors to the entrance where he had parked one of the stores mobility scooters and the probably no more than 30 foot walk had Cole pouring sweat and hyperventilating. Ronnie had been sure to dress him in the tightest smallest tank top and sweat shorts Cole had that showed off his melted ice cream cone figure as much as possible. Amazingly nobody in the store did recognize Cole but he was a spectacle none the less. Ronnie had been sure to load Coles mobility scooters basket up with the most fattening treats on the shelf. At one point Ronnie had stopped in the aisle and cracked a two liter of rootbeer and unwrapped two snack cakes “baby you don’t look so good, here eat these to feel better. You need some food in you”. A few aisles later and a few more suggested snack cakes and Cole had polished off the whole two liter and family sized box of chocolate covered Twinkie’s. The whole trip through the store was mortifying to Cole but amazing aswell. The feeling of submission to his feeder was intoxicating, he felt like a helpless fat pet and loved it.

When they were back in the van Ronnie had a final destination in mind before they left town. They had hit up multiple fast food joints, Ronnie wanted a spread that would look outrageous and eye catching. Before they had gotten out of the van and loaded Cole in his bariatric wheelchair they kept in the back for any sort of travel further than across a buffet parking lot Ronnie had rolled up Coles tank top and tucked it under his moobs fashioning it into a belly shirt. He pulled his sagging gut out of his shorts and let if flop heavily over the waist band of Coles way too small sweat shorts “comfy piggy? Get that belly ready because I’m going to stuff you hard. Everyone is going to watch you swell up like a blimp for me”. Cole was too nervous and excited to say much besides “ok” sheepishly as he felt his stomach pool across his lap and the warm summer breeze on his exposed stretch mark covered gut. Ronnie wheeled Cole to a pavilion in the middle of the park, people were around walking their dogs and playing in the park but nobody has really seemed to notice the two of them. Leaving him at the table with a couple bags of McDonalds and Burger King Ronnie gave him a firm smack and jiggle on his stomach before deeply kissing him “okay piggy I’m going to get the rest of the food from the van and we will start in a minute” as Ronnie walked away Cole looked down almost appearing naked in his vision past the rolled up tank top seeing nothing but wheel chair and pale stretch marked cellulite.

“Cole?!” as soon as he heard it his already food filled stomach dropped “oh my god, is that you?” He closed his eyes for a moment trying to become invisible “it is you!” He opened his eyes in time to see two women appear from around the side of the chair into view and Cole recognized one of them immediately. It was a very short term girlfriend from high school named Bree. Cole was speechless for a moment before finally simply saying “uhh hi”. Bree and the girl both stood staring wide eyed barley even trying to hide their disgust and amusement. “What happened to you? I wouldn’t have even recognized you if I didn’t remember your tattoo!” She said not even beating around the bush “are you okay? I knew you were a bit heavy before but you look ready to pop now!”. Cole stammered for a response “uhh yeah I put on a lot of weight, I had a medical” but was cut off as Ronnie walked up and introduced himself.

“Well hello, do you guys know Cole?” He said as he walked over and placed the other bags of fast food before putting a hand on Coles shoulder. “Yeah I was friends back in high school with him but I hadn’t seen him since then, hardly recognized him.” She said still grinning and looking in pure amazement at how fat Cole was. “Oh yeah Cole has put on alot of weight, I hardly recognize old photos of him when we first got together. He really blew up” Ronnie said reaching down and squeezing a fat roll on his stomach. “Oh are you his boyfriend? I didn’t know he was gay” Bree said looking at all the food on the table. “Oh no I’m his feeder” Ronnie said proudly as Cole felt his cheeks turning red. “His what?” Bree said laughing. Ronnie grinned looking at his piggy trapped like a fat whale as they talked about him like live stock “his feeder, it’s a fetish that is about weight gain. He’s a submissive to me and I make him fatter. I’ve put almost 300 pounds on him and we are trying to get him as fat as possible.” Ronnie grinned looking at their amazement. “Wow, I don’t really know what to say to that” Bree said wide mouthed at the sight before her. Ronnie just smiled back at her “well if you guys are done catching up he needs to eat” before going back to Cole “Okay piggy you hungry? Because I’m going to stuff you until you are ready to pop baby”. Bree and her friend laughed and jeered as Ronnie stuffed burger after burger into his piggy.

Looking up Cole seen them snapping pictures and taking cell phone videos knowing this would be all over their Facebook pages for everyone in his hometown to see. “Feed me make me so huge I break my wheel chair!” Cole moaned “I need to grow for you!” Cole let out wild snort and swallowed the food as fast as he could as he felt more dominated than he ever had before and he loved it. “I hope he has to bring me in a bariatric bed to the park next year” Cole thought as more messy gobs of burger and mayonnaise were shoved into his bulging cheeks.

[britswriting]

Quadrupled | Quadruple The Love H.S

Quadruple the love masterlist

read on wattpad

Unedited  - I'm tired 

"I'm bigger than the house we first bought together" I huffed, Harry helping me get into the hospital.

Today we were meeting our babies and I was scared out of my mind.

Normal pregnancies have forty weeks to worry. Forty weeks to figure out names, nursery, how you want to parent, what diapers you want you use, are you breast feeding or bottle feeding, cloth diapers or disposable diapers, co-sleeping, or strict crib rules.

I lost ten weeks of worrying.

Ten precious weeks that might've given me more answers than I knew now.

Not only have I been "in hiding" for months, keeping out of the limelight with my big ole belly — Harry and I agreeing for the safety of me and the kids; it was best for me to keep close with our families. We didn't want to tell the world that we're having quadruplets until they were already born, home and safe. 

The good lord knows that last thing we want to do is explain about some sort of horrific event we had to go through when we only announce we have one, or two, or three. 

I'm terrified.

"You look so beautiful, love" Harry smiled over at me; a nurse waiting at the door with a wheelchair. "We're about to be parents" 

"To four babies. We're doomed, Styles" I sighed, wishing I could focus more on the highs than the lows, but I couldn't help it.

Four babies is a lot. Even with help.

"Y/N Styles?" The nurse asked, my head nodding. "Take a seat, I'm sure your feet are killing you" She smiled, and I nodded, agreeing.

I carefully sat down and we were brought to the front desk for paperwork before being brought to our pre-op room.

"How does it feel to know this is the last time they're going to be inside of you?" Harry questioned, grabbing the hospital gown to help me change into.

"Strange" I answered honestly, my voice soft as I started to strip. I was covered in red stretch marks on my stomach, my back, my hips, my thighs, even my ass and boobs. These babies took a toll on my body in more ways than just physically. "I'm looking forward to the relief on my boobs and back" 

"I can't wait to meet them all" He sighed, a cute smile dancing on his lips.

I couldn't help but smile back up at him, "I know, me too. It's crazy to think what all can happen in just 30 weeks. They're going to be so tiny. You think they'll be okay, right? I mean, they're supposed to be in there for ten more weeks" I began to panic a little; something Harry was all too familiar with through this pregnancy.

"The Styles name lives on" He grinned, doing a little shimmy with his body, my eyes rolling as I giggled, turning around so he could tie the back.  "You ass look cute" he squeezed, my head shaking as I smiled.

We haven't had sex in months. I've given him more handjobs in the past few months then I did our entire dating relationship. I've been too tired, sore, or just downright uninterested. My sex drive has diminished completely.

Thankfully he still finds me attractive enough to get hard; I don't think I could mentally survive if I was trying to get him off and he simply couldn't do it. 

Your body changes a lot when you're pregnant, I knew that going in. However, I wasn't prepared for all the changes that would couple with having quadruplets. The size alone of my stomach was enough to make me already start planning a tummy tuck and an extra skin removal just to feel better about myself in the shower, or the mirror.

I knew I wasn't going to be skinny after having kids, and I was okay with that. I was prepared for that, yet the idea of so much extra skin once my stomach started losing it's after birth bump... mentally, I was dreading.

I'd be lying if I said it had nothing to do with being married to the Harry Styles.

It wasn't all of it, but it was a lot of it. 

I couldn't help but think about the pap pics, or the interviews, or the social media posts. People were mean even if you were the most beautiful person on the planet. Now I've got four babies and a thrown our figure. 

Harry and I had planned to do interviews after we announced their birth and that alone kept me up at night. How many pairs of spanks do I need to buy? Do I wear black? It hides you best.

"Alright love, look at you" Harry smiled, telling me to do a spin for him; chuckling when I carefully toddled on my feet in a circle. "Stunning! The most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I love you so much, gorgeous. The babies have the prettiest, sweetest, most caring mumma ever" Harry wrapped his arms around me as best as he could, ending in me huffing, trying to push him away before he hugged me from the side, kissing me.  "We'll always make it work" He mumbled against my lips, kissing me again.

A knock at the door pulled us away, a few nurses coming in with charts, an IV and a blood bag.

Great.

With a urine sample off to the lab, I was settled in the hospital bed before they started my blood draw and IV drip, going over a few chart questions until the anesthesiologist and obgyn surgeon came in with consent forms.

"How are you feeling?" She asked, already dressed in scrubs.

"Nervous" I admitted, my leg uncontrollably shaking.

"Well, although it is my first time getting out four babies, it isn't not my first c-section, or my first time with multiples. My team and I are as prepared as we can be; all hands on deck, I promise" She smiled and I just nodded, wishing her reassurance eased me more than it actually did.

Getting shaved by someone other than yourself was an awkward experience I thoroughly wished to forget by the time I looked back at this moment ten years time. 

"Look babe, our babies are going to be in these" he pointed at the hospital bassinets, a smile on my lips as I watched him fawn over  it, "We're going to need three more" he chuckled, looking around at all of the baby things. "What's this?" he pointed at a station with a lamp above it.

"I think it's too keep the babies warm, I don't know for sure though" I hummed, eyeing the clock, awaiting for our surgical time.

Twenty minutes passed, Harry gloating about how he got to pee, instantly regretting it when he saw my face before we got rolled into the operating room.

Harry was held back to put on scrubs and do his antibacterial scrub whilst I got monitors placed on me, a catheter inserted, yay me, and my stomach cleaned before Harry showed up at my side, a grin on his face, "Here we go baby" he said, looking adorable as I stared up at him; the room crowded in all sorts of different people; four different baby stations set up, ready to start clearing their airways, cleaning them off and keeping them warm.

"Please let everything go away" I softly prayed, my eyes falling shut as the nerves begun to take over.

Please let my four babies all be okay. All be perfect, and healthy. 

Please let them all have good breathing, and hearts, and movements. 

Please keep my babies safe.

"We're going to be okay, Y/N. We've got the best medical staff. All these people are here, ready to help" He eased and I nodded, calling out, "None of you better post this on TikTok", knowing we had everyone sign legal forms even worse than just patient confidentiality 

Chuckles were heard around the room, I just hoped they knew I was serious.

I don't want my birth story our there before I get to tell it. 

With the drape up and the anesthesia administrated, the surgery begun.

I stared at the hospital ceiling, my heart knowingly racing — I could hear the nurses talking about it; Harry's hand finding mine as he crouched down next to me, his mouth brushing against my ear.

"Hi baby" He murmured, "You're doing so well. You're the strongest woman I've ever met, and I'm so thankful to call you mine. I'm so grateful you're our babies mother. That you're the person I get to do this with. You're going to be the best mum ever. The babies are going to love you so much. I just know it. I love you so much, you're doing so so so good. It's going so well, hear them? Hear them talk about how well it's going? We're going to meet our babies, Y/N. They're going to be the most perfect little humans we've ever seen. Our families are going to be enthralled with them. My mom's already on her way" he chuckled, kissing my cheek, my brain focusing on his voice, and let of the talk around me. "Little did we know when we first met, that you'd be in an operating room waiting to meet four of our children at once. Can you imagine telling our younger selves that? When the doctor said you couldn't have kids, that you'd be meeting four of your flesh and blood in just a few minutes? Just one easy peasy lemon squeezy producer later? I hope they have your beautiful smile, and colorful personality. I can't wait to watch you mother the hell out of them" he laughs softly, his thumb stroking my knuckles, "Watch them grow up with us. their first breath, their first bath, their first night home, their first laugh. Their first food and first time crawling or walking. Our entire life is starting all over again once we leave this hospital, baby; and I'm so lucky I get to do it all with you" 

"First baby's out!" I heard, my breath hitching, Harry's smile brightening as a sob escaped my lips.

"We're parents, Y/N. It's official" He kissed me, my chest shaking as I cried with pride, joy and fear.

"It's a boy! Time, 7:16pm" We heard, followed by a rush of people talking, movement heard; Harry and I holding our breath's until we heard the cry, a collective sigh of relief was heard around the room.

"I love you so much" Harry confessed, my brain too fried to reply as it was panicking with fear and excitement.

We're parents.

We have a baby.

Harry and I have a son.

A soft voice was heard behind Harry, Harry straightening up, our son coming into view.

"Oh my god" I exhaled, Harry being handed the baby, his eyes glistening under the bright white lights before they fell down his cheeks as he stared down at him, carefully holding our son to show me. 

"Look at his cheeks" Harry exhaled, both of our breaths taken away by the sight of our son.

"Second baby's out! It's a boy! Time 7:21pm" Was heard again, my body on the ultimate adrenaline high.

"He looks just like your newborn baby photos, your mom is going to be thrilled" I cried, smiling at my sun, wishing I could hold him; but he was taken away right when we heard the second cry.

Another breath of relief was heard, the team of doctors and nurses doing their tasks before the second baby was brought over, followed by a third  "Baby's out! It's a boy! Time, 7:24pm"

Everything was happening so quickly, I felt like I couldn't fully process the fact that three of my babies are now in the world.

I have triplets.

"You're a dad" I stated, it finally hitting that our dreams were coming true as Harry held our second son, his tiny little body not processing yet.

They were so small.

Three high pitched screams were heard around the room, my eyes falling shut as the noises flooded my brain, each wail, beep, and murmur being etched into my memories. 

"They're cleaning up the babies and getting them under heat lamps" Harry informed me, apparently he could see around us; whereas I'm stuck seeing the ceiling. "One has a getting checked with a stethoscope" 

"Please let them all be okay" I repeated quietly, awaiting the arrival of our baby girl.

"I'm so proud of you Y/N" Harry repeated, his hand brushing away my tears, "You're incredible, love"

The longer it took to hear the arrival of my daughter, the more concerned I got. 

I hated this. Lying here. Helpless. Just waiting. I can't do anything. I'm numbed, trapped on this table.

I can't reposition, I can't push, I can't pull.

I just have to lay here and wait; it was agonizing.

"Baby girl is out, time 7:32pm" 

I held my brain waiting for her cry, my hands shaky, Harry grabbing my left hand and squeezing.

With the quiet cry being drowned out over the boys wails, I felt uneasy.

"Why is she so quiet?" I asked, wanting to scoop them all up and protect them from anything that could be causing them torment.

"The boys could be louder?" Harry said, worry evident in his tone.

Upon further exam, we were informed that she was having difficulty breathing and would be given oxygen, supposedly from being crushed by her brothers.

My heart cracked at the idea of her being squished so much that she was struggling to breath.

Harry didn't even get to hold her before they were all whisked away to the NICU and my stitched up stomach was eventually rolled to the post op room.

I was so tired, my body shaking, but all I wanted was my kids.

I didn't get to have them laid on my chest, or to see them the very second they were born. As silly as it sounds, I felt robbed.

I didn't get to have the dream labor and delivery; and I know it sounds silly and life is unpredictable; but there was no skin to skin. No cut the umbilical cord. No immediate bonding.

Everything was extremely different than I dreamed of. It was to be expected due to having quadruplets, but that didn't change the fact that it felt disappointing.

I wanted the best for them, and they're already hooked up to god knows what sitting alone in a room without me. 

I'm already useless to them.

I sat in the recovery room alone, shaky, tired and sobbing as Harry left to go see the babies in the NICU; my body still numb as I just laid there, tears strolling down my face.

Harry and I were parents, which was a dream come true within itself, and I was incredibly thankful to have my four kids, but laying here, alone.. it just felt dehumanizing.

I was their mother. I was supposed to care, and protect them, to love them. Yet I'm stuck here, alone, just waiting for whenever I'm allowed to see them.

My boobs hurt, aching to feed my babies, and I already knew they'd be on formula due to their being four of them.

I hated feeling defeated.

Like I was already failing and they were just born.

Harry gets to parade around the hospital seeing his children whilst I just lay here, alone, without them.

All I got was a glimpse of my sons before all four were taken away and I was abandoned in this room.

My eyes burned from crying and tiredness, the exhaustion eventually taking over and my body lulling into a sleep.

I woke up to Harry sitting next to me in fresh clothes, cheeks red as he stared down at his phone, his thumb scrolling from right to left.

I just stared for a moment, his head lifting, our eyes meeting.

He looked tired.

"Hi" I whispered, my body still feeling like dried cement.

"Hi" He replied just as softly, shifting closer on his chair, taking my hand and kissing my knuckles.

"How are they?" I questioned, chewing my lower lip as my body ached.

"They're small. I have pictures; I just.. want to warn you, they're um.. they're.."

"They're what, Harry?" I rushed, ready to hop out of this bed no matter how much it hurt, to go find my children.

"They're hooked up to all kinds of stuff. They're so tiny, Y/N. They've got monitors.. and breathing tubes..; their diapers barely fit" He was starting to get choked up as he looked away, swallowing the lump in his throat before sniffling.

"They were born ten weeks early, Harry" I quietly reminded him, knowing I was brave enough to do all kinds of research of what to expect, but Harry wasn't.

He wanted to live in naive land, and just be excepted about their birth.

Harry showed me all the photos and videos he took; Harry's finger bigger than their palm.

Each photo you could see his anchor tattoo, and I swear his hand was bigger than their body.

I broke my heart to see my babies suffering, both of us sat here crying over pictures and videos when asked when I could see them, Harry telling me we had to wait for a nurse to bring me in a wheelchair.

I just wanted to hold them, but I knew from my researching I needed to be prepared for that not to happen.

All I could do was hope that one day all of this hurt, and pain, and worry, would just be a blimp of a memory as I watched them all laugh and play together; snuggling each one into their cozy beds and sending them off to school the next morning.

I knew to take one day a time, one hour even; but if I didn't think about the future, and just stayed in the present, I'd go crazy.

I had to cling onto hope. It was the only way I'd survive however long they were in the NICU for.

* * * * 

Their birth - part one :)

Next parts and Harry + Y/N in the NICU + bringing them home, meeting family etc and then announcing them to the world! 

I'm ngl, I still don't have names.. so we gotta figure that out too lol.

Written on: October 9th and 10th 2023

Published on: October 10th 2023

Word Count: 2997

tags: @ashleighsss @theekyliepage

[smoov-criminal]

17, 18, 19?

17. when did you start to consider yourself physically disabled?

i got shingles when i was 22, and that triggered my chronic illnesses, so i guess then (i was gonna get my chicken pox vaccination but i got chicken pox like 2 weeks before the appointment when i was 2 so). honestly i did exhibit some signs of chronic illness as a child, but not enough to consider myself disabled at that point in my life (in case anyone's curious, shingles is pretty rare for young people, like less than 2% of people that get it are under 30. it was also the most painful thing ive experienced to date. it sucked.)

18. do you have a carer? if yes, what are they like?

not at the moment, no. i sort of used to but that situation got complicated and i no longer have that, but i think ill be okay for now

19. do you consider yourself visibly disabled? if yes, how does that affect your interactions with strangers?

when i use my wheelchair unquestionably yes. it's the first thing people notice about me, and often the first thing people talk about when greeting me. im used to it but sometimes people can be weird as fuck about it. if im not using my wheelchair im using a crutch, and i like never go out without either of them but if i were to i would be visibly limping so i guess i would be visibly disabled regardless

[stevenbasic]

Growing into the Job, Post 399: Cat n Mouse, Epilogue (Bliss Interlude Number Three)

“According to Hesiod's Theogony, the Erinyes were female chthonic deities born from the blood of Uranus when he was castrated by a titan and his genitalia thrown to the sea.The drops of blood which fell upon Gaia, the Earth, grew to fearsome, demonic women while the seafoam birthed the beautiful Aphrodite. Other accounts name them as the daughters of Nyx and Hades. These furies relentlessly pursued and tormented those who had mistreated the weak, driving them to madness and suffering. They represented the concept of divine retribution and were seen as agents of justice, ensuring that the natural order was maintained by punishing those that disrupted it. Despite their terrifying nature, the Erinyes also held the power to grant forgiveness and absolution once justice had been serv-”

Suddenly, darkness. All the lights in the apartment had gone out..

“What in God’s name i-is…is going on here?” Judge Horace Smalls muttered to himself, closing shut the old book he’d pulled from his wall of shelves.  He could hear it himself, despite how ridiculous this all seemed: his voice was shaking. When the echoes of it stopped, all that was left was the pounding of his heart, now the loudest thing in his ears. The apartment was otherwise deathly quiet and dark, save for the scant light coming from the sleeping city outside. Where are those policemen?!? I called them ten minutes ago. Don’t they know who I am!?!

He wiped the cold sweat from his brow, and reached to put back the old tome from his classics studies at Haverford, back where it belonged. The book slid back into place, but an old award from his litigation days clattered noisily to the floor. Damn these knees, he cursed, bending over to pick the plaque up off the floor. Horace glanced over at the wheelchair sitting against the wall, the one his doctor insisted he use, but Horace refused. His legs still had some use in them. He grabbed his cane, and his eyes were brought back to the window, looking out over the darkened city. That horrific symbol, still wet, dripped.

Just fifteen minutes ago, Judge Smalls had been having a fine night, sipping his 30-yr Highland and going through the briefings he’d needed to review for tomorrow on the bench for the minor upstate circuit court. A strange noise had pulled him from his papers and when he looked up to the window, he’d been shocked. Pulling himself up to his wizened, nearly useless legs, he’d made it over to the window and ran his gnarled hands down the glass. That strange symbol had been painted from the outside of the building, in what must be red paint...

A prank, he thought at first.  “Send them right away,” he’d told the female dispatcher on the other end of the line, and hung up curtly. Yes, he’d recognized the symbol, and while waiting for the police he would start his own research. 

The Erinyes. The Furies. What sort of shim-sham was this??

A threat? A game, maybe…but painted on his apartment’s window? On the outside of his apartment’s window? On the outside of his 23rd floor’s apartment’s window? Scrawled in what looked now horrifically like-

A noise, a noise from the bedroom, breaking glass that made his heart jump. “Is someone there??” he called out, his reedy voice sounding hoarse and worn. He worked his way through the dark, one hand on his cane, the other grasping the furniture for purchase. But as he hobbled towards the door he was stopped. A zephyr hit him, a cool knife of air from the bedroom that made his spine tingle and the hairs of his half-bare arms stand on end. Had that been the window breaking???

“Is someone there?!!?” he called out again.

He could faintly hear the sound of the city outside, filtering in from the other room. Something had broken the window, and, as he - trembling, now - slowly moved towards the bedroom he saw it immediately. Glass lay shattered, shards of it glimmered on the sill and the hardwood of the floor. Something had broken a window from the outside. He stepped himself in, heart pounding, the slippers on his feet crunching the broken glass. He saw no one.

But something moved behind him.

“IS SOMEONE THERE?!?!?” he belched, hearing the crack in his voice as he spun around, as quickly as he could in his building panic, nearly falling right there. More glass crunched below him.

Then the room was quiet again, save for the distant sounds of the city still coming from down below and his own rattling breath. This was the bedroom he once shared with Loreen, his wife of 42 years. He missed her, now, despite everything. Good riddance, he usually thought, I’m better without her and her new feminist ideas, but now he was alone. And frail.

At this point, his blood was fragile with ice. Damn those cops! Where ARE they?!?! Slowly, in the darkness, he began to grope his way back to the main living room, the pain in his knees becoming an agony. <clop, clop, clop> came the sound of his cane on the hardwood of the floor, silenced as he stepped onto the asian rug centered in the room. If he were more lucid he would have noticed the new smell in the air, an unfamiliar perfume, strong and sensual…and underneath it the distinct smell of oxidized hemoglobin, iron and blood.

Losers, losers and failures, the old Judge silently railed.

The city police these days, they were worthless, ever since the department had been taken over by a woman. They were as hapless as the whelps that had been sent out today to serve his warrants and injunctions, the boys who called themselves attorneys, more failures. If they were going to put a much-needed stop to this “movement”, it was going to have to be done locally. Luckily the courts - some of them, at least, the lower ones - still had men like himself, men who were willing t-

Someone had moved the furniture in the living room, pushed aside the coffee table and overturned an easy chair. Then, a strange noise. A knock on the wall and - was that the sound of someone, high and bright, whistling? An eerily happy tune pierced through the silence, along with long, hard scraping sounds as something tore along the walls. It was coming closer. He looked around, terror building inside his brittle bones. He stopped, listened, for a good long moment. And then another, frozen in place. Now, whatever it was, it was just taunting him in silence.

Until it laughed.

Unmistakable, a young woman’s icy giggle, a blend of mirth and menace shivered the air around him like frost across a windowpane.

“Who…is…THERE?!” he yelled out to the dark.

His only response from the apartment was another disembodied female laugh, this one more cold and chilling than the last. He had to get out of here, he had to. As he hobbled as fast as his brittle legs could carry him towards the elevator door that opened up right to his apartment, the laughter followed, now unsettlingly maniacal and right over his shoulder. It seemed to carry an otherworldly quality that would be out of place in any ordinary setting but now in this moment sang in symphony with the cacophony of dread slowly closing in around his failing heart. The laughter’s unpredictability - how it rose and tittered, snarled - made it all the more unnerving, as it shifted between amusement and something much darker. It terrorized him, and as he looked wildly about as he faltered himself towards the elevator he could not discern the source behind the laughter. Where are they?!?!

He was at the elevator, now, pushing wildly on the buttons. <DOWN DOWN DOWN!!!>

But - oh god, oh no - the buttons! They weren’t lighting up! There was no power, no power to the entire apartment! The elevator couldn’t be called and - a glance towards the door which would lead to the stairwell - he made a break for it. Unsteady, nearly falling - DAMN THESE USELESS KNEES!!! DAMN THE USELESS POLICE!! - he made it to the door. Maybe he could, somehow-

LOCKED!!

For a brief second, a moment of clarity. He knew, right then, that the police were not coming. He’d spoken to a woman, a dispatcher, at the station. He’d had a direct line, one they’d known he’d use. The women were coming for him, for what he’d done. “Whoever you a-are,” he wheezed, as forcefully as he could manage to whoever was there with him, “please…please. Let’s find a way to talk about this. I’m sorry about today, I’m sorry about the search warrants.” Something was there, waiting in the darkness. The panic had crept back into his flesh, and his voice had begun to crack. “I’m…s-s-sorry!”

The walls around him, they were closing in. He spun around, shaking now in abject fear to face the inside of his apartment and whoever was here. Suddenly, his cane slipped and his withered knees gave way and he fell, crashing forward onto his hands and slamming his face into the carpet. The cane clattered uselessly at his side. For a long moment the world spun around him but as it cleared he was able to raise his head, look up.

Someone had lit three candles in front of him. And she was crouching right across from them, wearing one of his wife’s old tops and looking down onto his crumpled form. She was bigger than she should’ve been...

He froze, quivering.

With a sickening squelch something stopped, having come rolling towards him on its side. He gasped as it came now face-to-face with the severed head of a man, eyes turned up horrifically into its head. Blood already pooling below it and draining it of color, it was unmistakably one of the young whelp attorneys that had been sent to the women today, armed with his warrants and injunctions.

Judge Horace Smalls wet himself.

“Good. You’ve finally stopped talking,” the pale, dark haired woman spoke, “Now you can start screaming.”

…

...

He wished he would have been able to say that her teeth were the last thing he saw, when suddenly she hissed and bared her fangs. But she made sure it took a little longer than that.

==============================================

thank you thank you RiF for editing

Next entry:

[starrygalazy]

Thanks for letting me ramble about my Mei family headcanons haha! I’d love to hear your take on it sometime! 😃❤️

Omg thank you so much!!!

In fact, since you mentioned it, I might as well do so now, so buckle in for the ride!!!

My HC (and this is partially me projecting my own interests on her because haha YES) is that Mei's an only child to her mom and dad.

Her mom's name, Xiu Yinyue Zhou. And actually, since I still remember my design for her, lemme just draw up something rq....

I haven't drawn her in ages, but this is Xiu! She's a relatively wealthy woman who's the director of an orchestra I've named "The Zhou Symphony", and she's good at it as well. A couple other things to know about her, Xiu is very, VERY strict on manners and politeness. She had Mei grow up in a good environment, and they lived comfortable lives, but she ensured Mei was never, EVER spoiled or used her good lifestyle to an advantage. She's very level headed to the point of coming off as cold, both to her advantage and disadvantage.

Xiu's also incredibly hardworking, having been orchestrating since she was in her 30s, and because of this, Mei got to grow up around the symphony and become friends with a lot of the members. She's good with the basics of most instruments and occasionally rents some from other countries/cultures to include them in her music, although she's a particular master with the er hu, piano, and violin.

Also, she's somewhat blind. Xiu has a genetic condition (that I hc Mei to also have) that causes her to grow incredibly sensitive to light as she grew elderly, and while she's not fully blind, she prefers to keep her eyes closed and navigate the world blindly because opening them for more than a minute at a time can be agonizing. The only real time she can see without pain is in pure darkness.

Next, we have Mei's dad. I never officially decided on a design for him, but the basics are glasses, bit of stubble, long hair, wheelchair, no legs below the knee. His name is Huizhong Zhou.

Huizhong, a former climatologist-now-house-husband, is almost the complete opposite from his wife. He's the one who gave Mei her kind and caring nature, and overall is softer spoken and much more shy. He has absolutely no problem letting either his daughter or wife speak up for him, coming off as a relatively quiet, supportive, almost meek man. He doesn't work, but he does enjoy keeping the house organized and clean, also assisting Xiu where he can with her symphony. And while Xiu is who Mei spent the most time with, Huizhong still had a heavy effect on her and is partially why she's also a climatologist today.

As for other family, Mei only knew her grandparents on Huizhong's side. Xiu's family- parents, a sister, and a brother- has cut Xiu off for not fitting into their traditional family structure and wanting to work, especially wanting to work in the music industry of all things, and also having a husband who's shy and meek. Huizhong's parents, who are much more progressive, were the only extended family Mei ever really had contact with.

Now the story stuff. This is only going off what I formed when I was RPing with her, and also I may miss some crucial aspects of Mei's story, so I apologize in advance. This will also have quite a few projections onto Mei that may deviate a bit from canon. (This is also from like over a year ago lol)

Mei's early life and childhood had her spending a lot of time around adults instead of kids her age, so she was socially awkward in school, but always excelled in math and science class. When she was younger, both Huizhong and Xiu had similar earnings, but Huizhong decided to take on a lighter workload to spend more time with Mei and let Xiu more thoroughly indulge in her career, like the awesome husband and dad he is.

The only times Mei was ever genuinely spoiled was through clothes- one of Xiu's friends, a seamstress (who may or may not be HC'd to be Jiayi's mom/relative), was happy to make all sorts of pretty outfits for Mei, so in a lot of family photos, Mei's dressed a lot more fancy than she dresses now, which I find pretty funny. Xiu didn't mind if she didn't dress formal, of course- Mei had to make herself look presentable and professional for school and dress pretty for family photos, but those're the only real rules. Xiu ensured Mei didn't let her comfortable lifestyle didn't become too heavy in her life, and Huizhong made sure Mei was controlled, compassionate to everyone, and stayed on top of her studies. Both of them were supportive in anything Mei wanted to do, although Xiu definitely wanted Mei to take over the orchestra. She grew to accept Mei wanting to follow in her father's footsteps instead, a decision made during the Omnic crisis.

Speaking of which.

Huizhong's lab was attacked during the crisis, an Omnic-led attack that led him to lose both legs, and a good deal of his colleagues (some of which Mei had also grown up). That part sent him into a bit of a depression for a while, and he didn't want to return to his job. Xiu worked harder so they could continue to live comfortably, and even during the Crisis, the location of her music hall where she mainly worked was able to go undamaged, mostly. Things for them all, while now slightly rocky (especially with Xiu's eyesight going) remained okay, although both parents grew a bit more protective of Mei. She didn't pay much attention to it, engulfing herself in both her work/studies and taking care of her parents.

She only really left for the first time when going to Overwatch. Neither Xiu or Huizhong were very happy about it, and fought back on it, but eventually relented. Not like they would be able to stop her even if they did.

So then the Cold Snap happens, and Xiu and Huizhong are understandably DEVASTATED. Xiu takes time off from the orchestra to try and get her daughter back, but to no avail. The two end up finding the families of other members of the Ecopoint: Antarctica team, and contacted them asking to work together to find their loved ones. Some families were willing to try, some weren't due to grief. Regardless, any attempts to find the team or bring awareness to the situation fell short, and Xiu buried herself in her work even more to forget. She grew a lot colder towards everyone but Huizhong bc of this. Meanwhile, losing Mei kind of solidified a hatred of Omnics and Overwatch to him. They had cost him his daughter and legs, and he grew very bitter towards the world in general. They only really had each other, and lots of tears were shed in each other's arms from the loss.

In canon storyline, I imagine the events after Mei comes back going one of 2 ways.

1. Xiu and Huizhong both pass away while she's in cryostasis. No serious reason, they just pass due to poor health. Mei learns when she escapes Antarctica about them passing, and visits their graves the first chance she gets. She inherits everything but the house and symphony (those go to family friends probably), but struggles to this day to decide what to do with everything else. Mostly bc I haven't thought that far ahead.

2nd option, and the one I used during RP, they survive and have a reunion with Mei. Yay! But Mei says she wants to go back to overwatch, and both Xiu and Huizhong snap. Not yay. They're FURIOUS. Like, they just got her daughter back, and now they think they're gonna lose her again, and don't understand why she's staying. So, Mei leaves, and contact is reduced to a minimum because her parents are incredibly bitter about her choices. Which is also why they don't show up for Christmas, bc they can't stand Overwatch and still aren't over the fight.

What's devastating is that all 3 of them want to make up. Mei wants nothing more than to have her parents back, but she knows she has to focus on the wellbeing of the world as it stands right now. Xiu and Huizhong both heavily regret everything they said during the fight with Mei, but aren't ready to apologize or open their perspectives. It's a really sad situation tbh. They all just want their family to be okay.

So

Uh

Yeah, I think I covered pretty much everything

Once again, a lot of this is heavily ingrained in projection, headcanonizing, and possibly forgetting lore bc of RP. And there's definitely some irl facts that aren't super accurate in general (i.e.: Xiu's job), but I'm content with where my HC stands bc it makes me happy (and sad)

Thank you for asking! I doubt you were expecting this, but I haven't genuinely thought abt these 3 in so long that I just had to lol

[alpaca-clouds]

Solarpunk Review: Once Upon a Time in a World by Antonio Luiz M. C. Costa

Preface: I am continuing with my reviews for the short stories in the book "Solarpunk: Ecological and Fantastical Stories from a Sustainable World". Once again: This book was published in 2012, so it is expected that in many regards it does not mirror modern Solarpunk sentiments. I am sorry those reviews were on hold for a while. As I said: I was quite sick, physically.

Summary

Pagu is a young journalist working for an independent anarchist news network in the future she is living in. Right now people are discussion the morality and sense of sending a couple astronauts to Mars while airing their mission - turning it into a some sort of reality TV. However, while this and the newest developments in renewable energies are what is mostly on Pagu's mind, a group of fascists plan a coup.

General Review

I think my main issue with this story was, that it had too much going on. While it kinda made sense given tit was mostly written fron the PoV of a journalist, so of course she would get to see quite a lot of what is happening in the world. Still, while the three different aspects of the story (astronauts, green energy, and fascist coup) were loosely connected, it was really loosely. In the end it was three different storylines that happened within a story that was just about 30 pages in length. And I think that was just a bit too much, making the events feel rather fast paced.

Still, I think I did enjoy this story quite a bit more than some of the other stories in this book. Mostly because I actually did like Pagu as a protagonist. She was a well defined character, I liked her stubbornness, and how she actually did self-actualize within the story.

The Solarpunk Factor

This might have been in fact the most Solarpunk story from this book so far. At least it weirdly checked a lot of my checkboxes. While there was a violent conflict, this was a conflict against fucking fascists, who were undoubtedly in the wrong. Otherwise we see conflict in the society, but that conflict is between different schools and interpretations of anarchism, as the world we see is explicitly anarchist. While the short story does not have enough time to go into details, we do see that there are anarchist systems in place to get it to work. And the characters discuss different styles of anarchism.

Something I really enjoyed especially compared towards the other stories was, that this story actually just casually had some queerness in there, and also ends with a character becoming disabled, showing us how the society deals with disabled characters. And spoiler: Yeah, other than all the other stories so far it was good. The character needed a wheelchair and they got a wheelchair, while they got also told that they no longer needed to pay for transport fares at all. That was a little tidbit that was nice!

[peculiar0ne]

okay

so for the record because i've never officially mentioned it- i have a chronic illness. it is (as of currently due to financial reasons) undiagnosed, but that's besides the point.

it mostly affects my legs, they're always in some sort of pain. tolerance has gotten lower over the last few months and my cane that i only used on my worse days quickly became almost useless, except as an assistant in getting up and down stairs in my apartment. i recently was lucky enough to be able to have my friends scrounge up enough cash so we could get me a wheelchair, as my health has declined so rapidly and i was losing most of my independence, having to rely on my boyfriend for most basic things.

i was able to take a day trip with some of my friends just yesterday, it was not only my first time using my wheelchair in public (minus a literal 5 minute walmart trip the day i got it), but also my first time using it in a completely different place from home. we were in a town that we all travel to quite frequently, but because of how far away from home we were (hour 45 minutes), and the fact that my comfort person, my boyfriend, was back at home stuck at work, it was extremely difficult for me to enjoy my day the way i wanted to.

because yesterday i experienced my first ableism encounter(s) since becoming an ambulatory mobility aid user in general. i've had ableist comments over my autism, adhd, and ocd countless times before...but this stabbed me right through the heart.

i've had my wheelchair for i believe 4 days in total now, i'm still getting used to it and i still have very mixed feelings about myself having to use it (internalized ableism, but mostly just fear of not being independent enough). i have already sat and cried countless times, worrying that my partner will eventually give up on me because of how dependent i'm slowly becoming...

yesterday i was in a location in which i have always felt safe in with my close friends. i've visited said place over 30 times in my life because it's so close to home, and not once have i had a moment where i've had to stop to sit and hold back tears.

tears of rage i think, mostly.

but also devastation. i knew ableism was shitty especially to those of us who are visibly disabled in some way shape or form (whether that be using a mobility aid or being a fancy walker, etc.), but holy fucking shit i am absolutely in ruins over what humanity has become.

i was wheeling alongside one of my friends to go to a store in our favorite mall while our other two friends stuck behind at the arcade, which we all agreed to meet back up at. when leaving the store to quickly visit another one, i heard a group of three boys saying "tokyo drift" behind us.

at first, i pushed it aside. i figured they were just pointing out something or watching some sort of clip on their phones. but then when i glance behind me, as i have caught myself doing as a cautious approach to still not being fully used to my chair, they're smirking cockily at me.

again, i push this aside.

but i shouldn't have because the moment i turned back around i hear "they see me rollin'", followed by a chorus of immature giggles, and the boys running away laughing and looking back at me and my friend.

i immediately dropped any evidence of happiness on my face. i was disgusted with myself. honestly it's only been 12 hours, i still am pretty disgusted with myself even though all i was doing was minding my own business.

now, my friends that came with all either have adhd or autism, much like myself. the specific friend i was wandering the mall with at the time has selective hearing because of her adhd therefore she did not hear these horrid comments, but she looked over to me and asked what was wrong.

i tried NOT to sound like a dick but lowkey i kind of growled when i told her what happened and she just death glared them and then took me to build-a-bear (our original destination) and bought me a kuromi plushie to cheer me up.

fast forward about an hour, the four of us are just finishing dinner in the mall food court. at this point, i was still upset but i had cheered up a little as my mind was able to be elsewhere for a while.

just as we're getting ready to go to the arcade, i'm falling a tiny bit behind. but the arcade is about 100 feet away so it's not a huge deal, right?

wrong.

two other boys, completely separate from the three earlier, look down at me with stupid grins on their faces and say "do a trick!" as they're walking away.

again, my friends were a bit ahead of me, and we're in a crowded food court so they didn't hear.

thankfully they all spend the rest of the night trying to cheer me up (i do not deserve them) but i'm sitting here typing this and trying not to cry.

it's so stupid.

but the stupider thing?

all five of these guys were ranged 18-25 at most. one of the guys in the first group looked to be 16, but i'm not sitting here about to assume that shit. it just devastates me that these people can just look at someone in a wheelchair and think "OMG THAT'S SO FUNNY GUYS" and all his friends will fucking agree.

disabilities are not funny.

mobility aids are not a joke. mobility aids are necessary for us with disabilities to get around.

honestly, i hope you don't look at your grandfather in a wheelchair and start laughing. because there's really no difference there besides age.

just grow the fuck up and start respecting us disabled folks.

that or kindly go fuck yourself!

thanks for coming to my tedtalk, i will now go contemplate my life and worry about my crippling medical bills :)

[jinsai-ish]

There's such a pervasive stigma around mental health. I've been a staunch advocate for the vast majority of my life but even I fall prey to it sometimes.

Like this morning, I was cleaning and picked up one of my husband's meds. He and I both take several - him for ADHD and myself for manic-depression. We probably have about 6 different ones between us on a regular basis. And I was thinking how I felt bad for my son growing up in the 'meds house '.

Then a minute later thought, why the hell should I. Why should I feel bad that his father and I are being responsible and taking action to better our health? People don't get a hard time for taking vitamins. Well, we both struggled a lot and almost separated a few years back due to serious family problems that were exacerbated our not taking proper care of ourselves. The problems are still there, but now we're able to manage them as partners, in large part thanks to therapy and meditation.

"It's a crutch."

Yeah, and-? You gonna make fun of someone who can't walk for using a crutch, cane, wheelchair? Someone with diabetes for taking insulin?

My brain doesn't properly manage serotonin. It never has. I've struggled my whole life with uncontrollable swings between depression and mania. I didn't start taking meds until my 30s.

Manic-depression is insidious. When you're manic, you feel great. It's a high, you don't need help, right? And when you're depressed, you can't muster up the energy to do anything, let alone seek help.

It's hard enough to manage when you're single and only responsible for yourself and things are going well, let alone if you have a partner and/or kids, or there's some sort of stress or trouble.

My husband's ADHD has its own set of challenges. Together, we weren't able to support each other the way we needed, and we definitely weren't able to be the sort of parents our son deserved.

Maybe we still aren't, but we're trying. We've taken steps to do better, for ourselves and for him.

So what if he grows up in a house with medications? Better than growing up in an unhealthy one.

[hellodenisestuff]

Sept 10-17, 2023

I had planned to write this blog on Substack but it got too complicated for me so I will continue these African Adventure posts on Tumblr.com.

This will be the journey to Kenya to participate in the volunteer program of African Impact in the Pardamat conservancy of the Kenya National Wildlife Reserve, Masai Mara.

What a long journey from Hawaii to Kenya. Fortunately I have a very good friend, Maggie, in Pacific who I get to visit when I am passing through San Francisco. I stayed two nights in her delightful company and rested up before the long flight to Kenya.

I arrived several days several days after I was exposed to Covid at work. I wore a mask on the flight but where 5 days had passed we thought we were safe, which proved to be true, but I was not fully comfortable till the 14th day had passed. I never got it. Hooray! Those around me could breathe a sigh of relief as well. I am vaccinated up to the gills so maybe that saved me?

Anyway, I digress. i flew KLM. airways which is marvelous. Great service. Seems they were always offering food or drink or hot towels. I watched 4 movies on the first leg which ended in Amsterdam for a three hour layover.

Because I get wheelchair service, I did not find my friend Joanne who was also traveling on the same flight to our destination in Kenya till we were ready to board the next flight for the final leg of our journey.

We got in somewhere around 10:30 PM after an aborted landing because there was debris on the landing strip! Finally after circling and losing our place in the landing line we did so.

Went thru the usual immigration and customs, again not seeing Joanne. I went outside and waited and waited, and was getting worried. A nice young soldier asked what I needed and he called the man who was to-pick us up, who was with Bonfire Adventures and tours. He found us and we waited some more. Finally Joanne appeared and we walked to the car and were driven to Masai Lodge near the town of Rongai. It is on the Southern border of the National Park. The drive took over an hour. The last 3 miles over an horrendous dirt road. We arrived around 1 AM pooped but happy to be back in Kenya.

We love that lodge. It. is mainly for the local people. Despite its name, it is run primarily by Samburu people. the Samburu are cousins to the Maasai. The lodge looks out over the Nairobi Game Park. Animals come into the large green area below the lodge which sits on a hill. There we see warthogs, antelope and baboons. There are tree hyrax and rock hyrax busy in the surrounding areas. The tree hyrax are quite used to people. Cute little creatures resembling a bunny without the long ears.

The 4 nights at the lodge allowed us to get over jet lag and start to get used to the altitude. It is like Denver, a mile high.

I was able to visit my dear friend, Dr. Paul Sayer, my colleague from teaching at the veterinary School in Nairobi back in 1967-1969. It was delightful to be with him and catch up on our lives and reminisce about the old days. (See-my book African Sojourns on Amazon.com to see what we did back then…)

The next day Joanne and I went to visit her friend, Rachel Kabue, who founded and runs The Cat Sanctuary in Nairobi. There are about 170 cats there now as she found homes for close to 130 of the most fit ones recently. Some there are very thin, and I fear may have some sort of blood parasite or Feline leukemia. However most are quite fit; they are all sweet and get along. She also has rescued a few dogs who live together with the cats. It is scrupulously clean with no odor.

Rachel, Some of the cats and dogs, Denise and friend, and Joanne and another rescue.

I spent one day sleeping a lot. Another day we had a guided walk by a Samburu man in full regalia looking very exotic and handsome in his colorful short dress like outfit with knee high socks and beaded ornaments and carrying the spear in case we ran into any aggressive animals. As it happened we only saw Impala and some monkeys and baboons. We met up with two Masai gentlemen in Western clothes who ran a nearby lodge and were friendly and fun. They all wanted photos which Joanne took but I have not got them right now. Will send next time.

The African Impact Driver came for us to transport us to Brackenhurst Conference Center in the Highlands in a town called Limuru. It is at 7000 feet so it has rather brisk evenings. It always tickles me when there, as after dinner, I come back to a bed with a hot water bottle in it. There we rested till the next morning where we would start out at 8:30 AM for the long drive to Pardamat.

I will write more tomorrow about the first week at the volunteer placement.

[c-40]

A-T-3 245 The Residents: Slicing Up Eyeballs

It was early August bank holiday weekend in the UK which means no work on Monday for many people (if you work freelance it means nothing.) I met up with a friend to see some another friend play records in a little café. After 11pm the place packed out and people started dancing on tables and chairs. The Djs know their stuff and are playful with their selections, so it made me chuckle hearing a big whoop from the dancers when the first few bars of Kaw-liga began to play. The reason for the whoop from the crowd was The Residents cover of Hank Williams' Kaw-Liga is a subversion of Michael Jackson's Billy Jean and Buddy played the 1986 Prairie Mix which delays all indication its not plainly a version of Billy Jean for a little bit longer. The Residents' Kaw-liga originates from their American Composers Series and Stars And Hank Forever, it was picked up by clubs as early as 1986

Resident Trump

So what were the Residents doing in 1983? They release Mole Show (also known as The Residents' Moleshow - Live At The Roxy - October 30, 1982.)

"The Mole Show—a stage production based on the Residents’ ambitious Mole Trilogy project, a kind of science fiction epic about labor, race and rock music inspired by The Grapes of Wrath—was the first show the group took on the road. Dramatizing the conflict between the ugly and industrious Moles and the cute, suburban Chubs, it was emceed by Penn Jillette, whose role was to make the audience want to kill him. He would begin by insulting the band (“Rather flashy, in a low-tech sort of way”) and come unglued as the show went on, culminating in a total meltdown between “The New Machine” and “Song of the Wild”; long after his mike had been cut, he’d be dragged offstage screaming “THIS IS A FUCKING RIPOFF! THE RESIDENTS ARE TAKING YOU FOR A GODDAMN RIDE!” Jillette would reappear onstage for Satisfaction, but Groucho-glassed, gagged and handcuffed to a wheelchair—a castrated clown in the seat of a cynic.” - Dangerous Minds

The Residents fuel fanatic fans through their anonymity, myth, and lore, they are obscure, cryptic, and subversive - giant eyeballs, residing outsiders, seeing everything and holding a mirror up to it. The residents embraced new media technology (if Hardy Fox was still alive he'd be all over AI,) from the early days of the internet people have been writing online about The Residents. Along with the writings of Robert Anton Wilson, The Church Of SubGenius, The Residents gave us a dress rehearsal of some of the darker corners of the internet (this is where people point at Reddit, the Chans, but of course there are a lot more spaces now, like X and Telegram) where what was once satire, critique, subversion, and performance, is itself being subverted to promote hate and exhibit power. Politically RAW, The Church Of SubGenius, The Residents are ambiguous (is that just American Liberalism?) I got into all three in the late 1980s when politically they were lumped with punk bands bands like the Dead Kennedy's and Black Flag, writers like Charles Bukowski, American underground comics, and conspiracy writing, what they all these things had in common was their distrust of the USA, and the straightjacket of Reaganism, consumerism, and religion

Controlled Misinformation. In 2014 The Atlantic published the above article about Vladislav Surkov, he is the architect of Russian sovereign democracy which I believe was adopted to achieve Brexit and Trump's victory in 2016 and the current strategies for the tory party in the UK and reabulivan party in the USA. As we've seen with Pizzagate/QAnon/#SaveTheChildren and now the Trump2024 show, the creation of these ideologies borrow heavily from performance art like that created by The Residents and CotS. Penn Jillette's role as narrator for Mole Show the aim is to create a dizzying effect, Putin did this just last week, Schrödinger's Putin is and isn't involved in the death of Yevgeny Prigozhin. It might be believed he is but news media can't confirm that, they can broadcast Putin's made for tv eulogy, anything else is speculation and also Putin leans into that. Trump is trying to use his arrest to achieve something similar

The ambitious Mole Show trilogy (a trilogy of pairs in six parts) was never completed and (like a lot of theatre) the live show left them broke, the sets had been seized by a UK shipping company because they couldn't pay their bills, to make US backers happier they scraped together what they could to perform Uncle Sam's Mole Show in Washington DC. They released an outtakes compilation album called Residue of the Residents, and The Residents label Ralph Records put out their 1977 promotional Radio Special were probably due to the financial failure of Mole Show

In this British interview about Mole Show from 1983 Penn Jillette talked about the making of a radio special, this is the 10 Year Anniversary Radio Special that came out in 1982, the story is very entertaining

[mydyspraxiablog]

I want talk about how stafford town late me down yesterday all because of scarm mum won't let me use have adult mobie phone and want me child monkey mobie phone everyone use Google tesco take £30 off me on paid going then have no money phone mum.

Yesterday I want fix hearing aid because fall out red hill car park but mum say don't tell them might think it your fault at hearingbaids haven't working and she didn't want me use sunflower hiiding disabilities because of hater in Stafford you pick on hidfing disabilities incude with bus pass moad should give bus pass to work not to hidding disabilities can paid £20 so there another bullying with bus pass and Stafford railway won't give use Disabled bus pass if can walk with 3,000 miles with hearing aids or aid to help to walk not Disabled you have be wheelchair prove disabled that want Stafford railway staff so impossible get railway disabled pass now.

So but not talking about yesterday I mum drop off going to hearing aids wish did wear Sunflowers landyard card so trying to salt Street look 356 hearing aid in stafford shop and could not found the shop it move but didn't know what do didn't have mobie phone and so could not phone mum and didn't have mobie phone I didn't want have sunflowers hidding disabilities landyard because mum think it posh company in London can't change her mind over it.

I was having panic didn't know what do myself in stafford town with out mobie phone and no sunflower hidden disabilities to help me and no yellow stick in stafford anymore ask ring that number just panic so have keep walking loads buses and bus passage saw me having panic attack but no body did things hate say Stafford people were selfish just walk past not helping no sunflowers landyard no mobie phone and didn't know where 356 hearing shop was? I was about give up and going home on bus and hearing some saying " Those got dyspraxia not Disabled just lie not got dyspraxia not Disabled it disabilities should be wheelchair at Disabled " " I work got child Austinm and dyspraxia pich all money " this really upset 😡 me was get frustrated but hate say Stafford Town gone like London business people are selfish cows.

So though just going back and didn't notice the note that 356 hearing shop have move to Market Street but where old library use be so got hearing aids fix and he said next time come make sure mobie phone but I can't mum won't let me have mobie 📱 phone because of scarm will return back to Stafford Town no not now stafford town fall business people like London won't be going Stafford Town I want move to Stone and or Gnossell don't feel safe in Stafford Town anymore and could not have coffee calm me down because didn't have cash and didn't have Natwest card because mum won't let me use I worry if going Turkey I might not be able get home might be stuck in Turkey so walk back row about mobie phone and Natwest card " Well live art you" " You not listening not have mobie phone because off scarm " " In case want move out Stafford Staffordshire want live with somewhere they pets and want switch banks because Natwest bank as seek bank tell you anything " " If didn't book AGM meeting and lurch Trefoil guild some where Cannock and Penkridge golf club and church tonight 730pm I won't going because too scare going to out Stafford Town I feel Stafford Town is under safe yesterday prove it.

It wasn't for my cat Sydnee get home I won't be able walk home but thought got get back because of Sydnee my pet cats.

Mum still won't back down with mobie phone and give me Natwest card " so said " I hate you because give me no independence use those scarm excuse and can't do woodwork crouse because haven't mobie phone so how phone emergency numbers if haven't got mobie phone can't do brownies day put 10p in phone box because haven't got anymore in Stafford town" " I got sort Goergina house " " I know Foster teenage feel when only one with out mobie phone missing out active " so ask mum if could return back to Stafford college find pottery crouse for disabled because can't going Cannock college or Lichfield college with out mobie phone but still mum not listening " You not have Natwest card and not have mobie phone because Scarm.

My next blog is about Friend of chalet books and problem having get those books because play gift card master card ,£5 or use in Sainburry or Tesco or Startbuck or Amazon but saying not appect gift card at won because verification code in email have be mobie phone so my £5 will going to next person because haven't got mobie phone those scarm have ruin my life.

[countrymusiclover]

29 - She's Our Family

Part 30

She's Human or Weapon

@supernaturalgirl30 @groovy-lady @bigbendyhorns @logolepsic-insomniac @the-big-bad-klaus @ocappreciationtag @foundationsretail

Hope's POV

Stomping through the school hallways I entered my father's office being able to hear his concerned thoughts. Mom had went out for a walk late last night but didn't come back. We knew better than to assume she would go into town by herself. She's pregnant and gets tired more often then she normally would if she wasn't. Closing the door behind me I leaned against it seeing my father sitting in his wheelchair. If he still had his hair he would be frantically running his fingers through it. But now he just squinted his brows together deep in thought. "Dad, it's going to be okay." I try to reassure him but he spins my mother's ring in between his fingers. It was left alone on the lawn and she wouldn't have taken it off so that's how we knew something was wrong. "No its sweetheart...it's my fault. I should have went with her!"

Walking forward I leaned the palms of my hands on his desk seeing that he had given up on grading the students papers. My hair falls over my shoulders where I sighed heavily. "Dad, you couldn't have known. She should be able to walk around our house by herself. You always say that humans and mutants should exist together." He lays his head on the desk before the office door gets flung opened almost bending the metal holding it to the wall. Spinning around on my feet I sucked in a breath seeing my uncle Erik standing in the doorway chest heaving up and down. He strides up to me hands bawled into fists at his sides. "Charles, why are we sitting around. We should be tearing the world apart to find Aurora. She's my family!" His jsw is clenched when I met his eyes. My mother is basically his sister and like he said he would destroy the world until she was safe once again.

"He's...um a mess right now. I don't think he could find her with Cerbro if he tried." I shrugged my shoulders seeing my father still with his head laying on his desk. One hand clutching the ring tightly. I have never seen him like this but it just shows how much he loves her. My uncle glanced down at me where I entered his mind shaking my head no. "You could control Cerbro." Crossing my arms over my chest I scoffed. "Erik, I can't do that. I'm not as strong as my father-" He cuts me off gently grabbing my shoulders locking gazes with me. "Yes you can little Hope. You are your fathers daughter. It's in your heart." Slumping my shoulders I push hair from my eyes before the three of us headed through the school. My father scanned his eyes so the door opened and we entered the room. Clutching my hands into fists the last time we were in this room is when Alex Summers died. Picking up the helmet I released a breath sitting down and putting it on my head.

I gasped causing the white and red voices of all the humans and mutants around the world talking all at once. Uncle Erik glanced around the room in awe. My father rolled up resting a hand on my shoulder so I'd stop death gripping the armrest in my hands. "Easy sweetheart. Just close your eyes and think of your mother's voice. That's the only one that's important." He whispered in my ear where I released a breath locking onto her mind. Opening my eyes again I was standing inside wherever my mother was which is some sort of bar. Looking around there's nobody else there except for a man with dark brown hair. "I'm Aurora. Aurora Xavier. Who are you stranger?" The man spit out his drink bugging his eyes out at her with a stunned look on his face. "Golden Flare...it's you." Tilting my head to the side I didn't recognize that nickname as much as I should. Through their conversation I picked up on the man's name which is Logan.

Shifting in the seat I pulled my helmet off running my fingers through my hair. My father turned the chair I'm sitting I'm so I could face him. He rests a hand on my knee searching over my form. "Did you find her. Is she in trouble?" I could hear the concern laced in his voice. Uncle Erik placed a hand on his shoulder in an attempt to calm his friend down. "She's okay. She's with a man...a man named Logan." My father knitted his brows together squeezing his fingers on my knee. By the look on his face I could tell he knew that name somehow. "You know him don't you. Dad, who is he?" I questioned as we exited Cerbro heading to the airplane that Hank had created. The door opened for me to see Aunt Raven and Hank were standing outside of it. "We're going to find my best friend and you can't talk us out of this!" She said through determination in her natural blue form arms crossed over her chest.

Hank started up the airplane once helping my father onto the airplane. Plopping down in a seat by my aunt she grabbed my hand in hers weakly smiling. "Don't worry little Hope. We're going to get her back." I nodded watching my father and my uncle talking in front of us. Even though they have different views on how humanity views us. One thing is for certain that my mother brings them together. "Raven, who's watching the students?" My father asked alongside Erik who has his arms crossed over his chest. "We can't leave this place unguarded. Whoever took Rora might come back and take more." Raven nodded understanding his words knowing that he was right. My father and Raven were talking about the school until I broke the conversation playing with the end of my jacket. "Dad, who's the Logan guy?" My father turned his chair to face me releasing a breath wearing my mother's ring around his neck as a necklace. "He's someone from my past honey. He's...he's actually the man who told us that you would an extraordinary child." I smiled his direction feeling the airplane take off into the sky and out from the basketball court where it closed. We're coming for you mom.

Comments really appreciated ❤️

[malum-forev]

Try Anything Once

BuckyBarnes x Reader

Bucky finds himself at the worse place, the doctor’s office. But maybe it isn’t as bad as he thought.

Word Count: 2.6k

There were many things that brought James Buchanan Barnes rage, but at the top of his list was his mechanical arm. It was bad enough that it was a constant reminder of who he was, who he was created to be, but now due to a technical failure, it was even more of an inconvenience.

“I already told you that it’s fine.” He muttered at Sam, trying to open and close his palm, with no avail.

“Yeah, and if I were blind, I would believe that. You need to get that thing fixed. Maybe it just needs some motor oil.” He said followed by a loud laugh, only making Bucky’s eyes roll. “I already reported it to the medical department, anyways.”

“What are doctors going to tell me about this thing, it’s not flesh. They don’t know anything about it.”

“Well, I mean, we do have the best doctors in the world. I think they know something about that contraption.” Sam replied, standing up from his position and traveling to the front of the airplane to see how long it would take them to get back to the compound.

Bucky closed his eyes, trying to calm the bubbling anger that was filling him up, almost to the point of explosion. It was supposed to be the best, why would it be giving him trouble. Subsiding his anger, he thought that maybe he would have to go to Wakanda to get it fixed. Maybe he would even have to stay there for some time, he could only dream of that. In the past 80 years, that was the only time he felt something close to peace. Forcing his eyes to open, he realized that the plane was descending. Looking out the window, he saw what he dreaded the most. A team of people in white bathrobes.

“Doctors.” Bucky huffed in annoyance.

As he made his way through the white corridors with fluorescent lighting, he could hear at least three pairs of feet shuffling behind him. He could almost sense they were too nervous to ask him any questions. He stopped at the end of the hallway and waited for three seconds before turning around to face them.

“Well? Are you going to open this stupid door, or do I have to break it to get this thing fixed?” He yelled, not feeling anything as he saw the three young doctors shake and vigorously nod their heads. The tallest one, she couldn’t be a day older than 25, quickly entered the access code and opened the door. Revealing a large waiting room with one assistant behind a desk. He heard the elevator music first, after that came a whiff of something. Some kind of flower Bucky couldn’t recognize.

“I have an appointment.” Was the only thing he said as the assistant moved his eyes away from the computer and saw the former Winter Soldier. He was different, he wasn’t scared of Bucky.

“Name and date of birth please.” He asked kindly as he faced back to the computer.

“This must be a joke.” Bucky said, as he watched the assistant’s motionless expression, he realized it wasn’t. “James Buchanan Barnes, March 10th, 1917.”

“Thank you, Dr. (y/l/n) will be with you shortly. Would you like anything to drink while you wait?” He smiled again, only enraging Bucky even more. He decided no answer was needed. After about two minutes, he saw the door swing open and a field agent came out first.

“Thank you so much Doc.” She smiled, Bucky had seen her before if he remembers well, she even introduced herself. But like always, he never remembered anyone’s name. She smiled as she passed him, and he just nodded back. After the agent, a woman in that dreaded white bathrobe came out. Average build, fragile looking, late twenties, it would take me less than two seconds to knock her off the ground. Bucky thought, immediately erasing the thought from his mind, something his therapist had taught him to do.

“Mr. Barnes, please come inside.” She said, her voice was extremely peaceful and calm. Everything about her seemed that way. It was as if one of those singing birds from Snow White had come out of the storybook and became a human. Bucky followed her into her office and sat down, looking at the pendulum sitting on top of her neatly organized desk. Swinging back and forth infinitely. “You’re here because your arm is giving you trouble?”

“The metal one.” Was the only thing he said, she just nodded and motioned him to sit on the exam table, “I’m not laying on that. I’m not five.”

“You’re obviously not five, you were born in 1917.” She quickly replied. “If anything, I should have you sitting on a wheelchair, or one of those reclining chairs they have elderly people in. I need you to lay down here to check your prosthetic. I also need you to remove your jacket, and anything that would obstruct me from performing my analysis.”

With a quick glare, he followed her instructions. He took his jacket off and without thinking twice, ripped the sleeve from his t-shirt.

Laughing a bit, the doctor started contorting his arm in different directions. “You superheroes really have a passion for all things dramatic. You could have taken off your shirt.”

“This was easier.”

“Not much of a talker, are you?” she said before pressing on a disk near the arm’s wrist. Gaining a hiss from the former assassin.

“Could you just stop.” He said in an annoyed tone. “I’m just here because your people were waiting for me once I got off the damn plane. Now stop messing with it before you break my arm.”

With one swoop motion, he was back on his feet. “This is made from an incredible rare material. Something that they probably didn’t even know existed at whatever school you got your degree from. Which one was it?” Bucky said, getting more and more angry as he saw the doctor didn’t even flinch at what he was saying. He started looking around the walls to see where she had that paper framed. The one every doctor likes to display, as if it was some sort of badge.

“I don’t have a medical degree. You can say this comes,” Dr. (y/l/n) took a pause. “Naturally to me.”

Bucky let out a small laugh. “I’m fine. And even if I wasn’t, I’m not going to have some random person who couldn’t even finish med school looking at my arm. It’s probably more expensive than everything you own.

Dr. (y/l/n)’s expression didn’t change, the small smile still on her mouth. “Pepper’s team warned me about you, Mr. Barnes. They said you were, difficult.”

“Difficult.” Bucky scoffed as he leaned on the medical table, he watched the doctor move back behind her desk. Typing something on her computer, the printer slowly coming to life, sending out a small piece of paper.

“Well, they actually said you were a huge pain. Difficult is just the word I choose to use.” She adjusted her glasses and read what was on the paper, taking out a pen and signing it.

“It really shows that after Steve left, this place started hiring just about anybody. Their whole system is going to fall apart if they keep uncredited people here.” Bucky spat out, aggravated at the mere thought that Sam would have sent you here with her.

“You’re not completely wrong with that statement. But I don’t think it was after Steve, it was before that. At one point they even recruited brain washed assassins.” The doctor replied with a grin on her face, only making Bucky’s blood boil even more. “Try this, it will help with regaining mobility.”

Bucky ripped the paper out of the doctor’s hand, crumpling it up and shoving it in his back pocket. Turning around to leave the office.

“Oh and Mr. Barnes, you have to come back to finish the assessment before you can go back into the field. Those are the orders stated by Mr. Wilson.” Again, that smug smile adorning her face. Does she always have something to say? Bucky thought as he stormed out of the medical building, heading straight to Sam’s room. He was going to hear what Bucky had to say about that know-nothing fake doctor.

Bucky heard Sam’s laugh before he actually saw him, as the automatic doors opened, he saw that the laughter was directed towards him.

“I’m guessing by your angrier than usual glare, you saw (y/n).” Sam said with a gigantic smile.

“Was that some sort of prank? You hired a fake doctor only for me to go and waste my time?” Bucky asked as he strode past him walking straight into the kitchen.

“What did you have planned for the rest of the day? Sitting on the corner of your bed at three pm, standing in a corner at four and do your hair at five? I know you do your hair, it’s impossible for it to always be perfectly imperfect.” Sam said shooting Bucky a questioning gaze, but he just rolled his eyes and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. “And what are you talking about fake doctor? Please tell me you let her do her job, if not I can’t let you come on the mission tomorrow.”

“Of course I didn’t, tomorrow I’m going to see an actual doctor to get a stupid note that says I’m fine! Even though I’m telling you right now that I’M FINE.” He yelled as he smashed down the bottle, making it as flat as a piece of paper.

It was at this specific moment that F.R.I.D.A.Y. said: “Bucky Barnes, you have an appointment with your therapist tomorrow at 11:30 am. If you were to miss this appointment, you will be sanctioned and will not be able to assist on missions.”

This obviously sent Sam on a fit of laughter. “That message couldn’t have come at a better time. Anyways, you need to get your appointments aligned. I suggest you go to the Doc’s office tomorrow morning to see if she has anything available.”

“Just send me the actual doctor’s office and I’ll be there tomorrow morning.” He said through gritted teeth.

“Bucky, I don’t know who got it into your head but, (y/n) is an actual doctor. That why she’s Dr. (y/l/n) and not just (y/n).”

“She was the one who told me she’s not credited. She doesn’t even have a medical degree, let alone know anything about vibranium!” Bucky said throwing his hands up in the air.

“You don’t have a degree but that doesn’t mean you’re not capable of being an ass. And an annoying one too!” Sam said, getting frustrated with the conversation. “Look, Dr. (y/n) has been here for a long time, she knows what she’s doing. Maybe you don’t know anything about her because you were frozen for half of your life and the other half you spent being a cyborg assassin. Also, she was one of the first people to handle vibranium when it was found in Wakanda, so I think she knows something about that. She even spent some time in a hut over there, just like you! You have more things in common than you think. So, tomorrow you’re gonna get her some coffee, go to her office, apologize for being, well, you; and get that arm fixed. In the meantime, you can look up some things about her. You do remember how to google things right?”

“Of course I remember. Could you just help me get on the net?” Bucky said while holding out his phone, it was now Sam’s turn to roll his eyes.

--------

The next morning, Bucky reluctantly made his way back to the medical building. The two disposable coffee cups were almost knocked out of his hands when the doors swung open.

“Back already Mr. Barnes?” he heard Dr. (y/l/n) say, it surprised him that she would talk so casually with him, given that yesterday he was, difficult. “Should I put down extra thirsty as a side effect on your chart?” She asked pointing to both of the cups.

“Actually Doctor, one of them is for you. I didn’t know what you drank so one is a black coffee and the other one has a splash of milk and sugar. Sam told me you would accept coffee as an apology, some sort of olive branch.” Bucky said, shoving both of the cups near her for her to choose.

“You can take me to get coffee instead. Judging by the stale smell, this is day old coffee. Plus, I don’t think you have tried oat milk lattes.” She smiled as she guided him to the restaurant inside the compound.

“Oat milk wasn’t a thing in the 40’s.” Was all that Bucky replied. “I wanted to formally apologize. It’s something new to me, my therapist says I should externalize my feelings more. I did not know your past; you know with the whole regenerative thing.”

This was the first time he saw her not smile. She looked away for a moment and asked “Did you try what I told you. It’s a type of oil that seeps into the smallest indentations in vibranium, creating a protective layer. With that, and some rehabilitation exercises, you will feel as good as new.”

Bucky just shook his head, not wanting to talk about his less than normal extremity. He opened his mouth to ask her, but she interrupted. “I know what you’re going to ask me. I may not be able to read minds but this profession has taught me many things, one of them being how to read people’s expressions.”

“Can you still do it?” He pressed on, if what he had read was true, then she was probably one of the only people that could understand what he was feeling.

“Yes, of course I can. As a supersoldier I would think you understood. It’s not something that you can just turn off, it’s here forever.” She said pointing to her whole body. “I didn’t want this; I didn’t ask to be able to regenerate. I was just at the wrong place at the wrong time and with the wrong people.”

“I researched you last night.” Bucky admitted shooting her a shy smile.

“Didn’t think you were tech-savvy.” She said, taking a sip of her coffee. “That was a long time ago, she’s long gone. I thought what I was doing was the right thing. And he, he convinced me that it was. But alas, I was only some sort of protection. Receiving the bullets that would wound him and healing the cuts that would kill him. But after I realized all the damage, we were actually doing I, I found this place. And from there on I decided I was going to heal other people. Even if they couldn’t regenerate.”

“I can relate.” Bucky said, slouching back on the bench they were sitting on, a weird feeling appearing inside of him. Something that he wasn’t used to, relaxation and peace. “I appreciate you not flipping out yesterday, I was out of line.”

“I’ve dealt with worse people here.” She laughed. “I looked at your videos fighting. You need to take better care of that arm of yours.”

“I didn’t know you were keeping tabs on me Doc, had I known I would have smiled at the camera.” Bucky said shooting her a smile, it was the first time she had seen him actually do that.

“It’s my job to check my patient’s whole file.” She explained but couldn’t resist to smile back. “And you can call me (y/n) by the way.”

“In that case, call me Bucky.”