#3. beach + my gay friend messaged me to tell me i have a “good pussy bone” when i sent this on the gc. thx king 🤴

[ef-1]

r u relaxed? | october 24, pt 1

[amongsnot]

template by @/le__lex on twitter!

anyways i want to reread some of my favorite nu fics, so i figured i would do it while simultaneously recommending them at the same time :)

[DISCLAIMER] some of these fics are locked to guests! please keep that in mind when clicking a link :)

The Neutron-Turner Family Memory Book by TheBlossomingFox (teen | oneshot ) : this fic is adorable! it’s an aged up jt fic where the author explores their dynamic as parents. it’s adorable and funny and one of the best slice of life fics i’ve read :)

2. Another Day in the Future by JesterJazz (gen | oneshot ) : this fic is definitely one of the funniest fics i’ve read in this fandom. following jimmy and timmy when they accidentally time travel to the future, landing in the house of their future married selves. it's jimmytimmy focused, but it highlights their friendship and fun bickering really well.

3. twin fantasy by nousernamesorry (teen | 4/? ) : jimmy receives a message telling him that he's needed in space, and he quickly leaves. only, he doesn't come back, and timmy has to learn to heal. i'm going to be completely and fully honest when i say that this is the fic that got me into writing for the nicktoons team. op has a writing style that is incredibly heartwrenching, and the small amount of fluff before the latter chapters completely breaks me everytime i read it.

4. more than cartoons; battle of the bands by anonymous (gen | oneshot) : spongebob squarepants is putting together a band for the annual school contest! with his makeshift team of muscians, he has to beat the syndicate before they win the tournament! this fic is SO fun! it's definitely my favorite of the author's oneshots, and it's amusing and charming and just aljewfwabkfd

5. only have a moment before it's all over (a burning desire that cries again) by whisper_into_my_heart (teen | 14/50 ) : i have to be completely honest, i was REALLY late to the party with this fic!! mpreg (and preg in general) really is not my jam, but i instantly fell in love with op's oc hannah, and the dynamic between the girl andher parents. im not exactly caught up with the story (no spoilers please :3) but i am SO excited to finish the next few chapters and then for the rest of the story to be completed!!

6. We're Perfect Punting Height by CrystalMarbles (teen | drabble ) : this fic is a drabble, but i think it's pretty funny!! it's about the gang having a conversation with each other discussing the syndicates less than evil traits. like plankton's height, or crocker's obsession with finding fairies. definitely a good short funny read!

7. Rewinding the clock by Pastacurls (not rated | 7/? ) : (grabbing onto your shoulders and shaking you) SECOND PERSON!! I LOVE SECOND PERSON. anyways there's barely any three word fics in this fandom that i could find. i know this is hypocritical of me but im going to say it anyways. this fic is my JAM though. amnesiac timmy after his eighteenth birthday, stumbling through the remains of his life as he loses his fairies and his friends. i could talk about this for hours.

8. new phone who dis by rbt_lvr ( teen | 9/? ) : the old fandom is rottmnt. unapologetically. they're technically nicktoons so it counts in my book. plus, this is genuinely my favorite fic that ive read like uh ever. it's a silly chat fic where all of the turtles are gaslighting each other into thinking that they are normal people. donnie makes a mom joke that never fails to make me laugh. leonardo's raised by the gay hippo and worm. they treat lou jitsu like taylor swift fans treat taylor swift. it's absolutely insane. 10/10.

9. lead single by nousernamesorry (teen | 2/2 ) : if nousernamesorry has 100 fans im one of them. if they have 10 fans im one of them. if they have no fans im dead. i love all of their works and every single one makes me swoon. lead single is KIND of cheating with this prompt because most of the setting takes place on a beach. and it's also kind of during the summer. but it's about jimmy and timmy spending their birthday's apart, and the setting makes me wild. like the vending machine intro and the beach ending to the first chapter. like all of that screams summer to me idc idc.

10. The Art of Cooking and Cleaning by AbsoluteFooling (gen | 1/1 ) : GUYS IM SO EXCITED TO SHARE THIS FIC WITH YOU!! i love this fic so muchh oh my god. i had the priviledge of reading it before it was put on ao3 and oh my goddddd. makes me insane. it has spongebob and timmy dynamic (which we need MORE of) and its just. its just glorious i cant explain it in words. its about timmy questioning his self worth, and spongebob helps him. and its OUGH cant even put it into words. please go read it. if theres a fic i want you to read on this list its this one.

11. Are you Satisfied with an Average Life? by Anonymous (not rated | 3/? ) : i was really surprised by the lack of fics with lyrics as their titles... guess ill have to write more in order to continue doing my part. OKAY but this fic is REALLY GOOD. i absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE anything that relates to timmy's amnesia. this fic focuses on the main nicktoons as they help timmy recollect his memory, and timmy immediately hits sbsp in the head with a baseball bat and it is GREAT and the writing style is GREAT and i do think this is a necessary read. i really hope the author updates, but it has been a while, so i'll treasure the chapter's we have!!

12. Bad at Flirting by ShippingMyWorld (teen | 1/1 ) : because im cool and unique and whatever the kids are talking about with that demure stuff the other ship is tigerghost. which i KNOW is cheating considering i wrote a tigerghost fic, but i main jimmytimmy and its important to me that you know that. this fic is a fluffy, silly little fic where danny and manny talk about manny's love for cheap and cheesy pick-up lines (established relationship). shippingmyworld ALSO has a really cool tumblr account AND a bunch of other cool ao3 tigerghost fics so this is my absolutely desperate plea for you to go check them out.

13. but he's got a gun in his hands, and a burden in his heart. by Anonymous (teen | 1/1 ) : hi yes its me hello. totally anonymous user here. why havent you guys yelled at me to make my fic titles shorter omfg that's like an entire essay within itself. it's REALLY hard for me to choose one of my fics, because they all hold a special place in my heart for a different reason, but specifically the ending of this fic makes me break everytime. i won't spoil it but i love the metaphors. anyways this fic is BASICALLY just a bunch of timmy and (sort of) danny whump. check it out if you're interested :D

14. Of Memory Loss and Manipulation by EepyTheSleepy and @c0dydoesntknow (teen | 4/? ) : hello YES this fic is really great and it definiely falls right in line with my other interests. as soon as somebody says timmy amnesia fic i am GONE. the plotline in this fic is great, and the characterization is even BETTER. like you guys need to go support these two because they are amazing people and even amazinger authors!! their story is about the evil nu gang gaslighting timmy into thinking that the og nu gang is evil, which is GREAT because timmy just ends up being really confused the whole time

15. When rain falls, love blooms by 23ster (gen | 1/1 ) : kissing in the rain is SO romantic guys when is some girly gonna come and do it with me? this is a friend to lovers fic by the all time BEST person ever 23ster, and it perfectly conveys the idiots that are our favorite characters jimmy and timmy. from the trope of there is only one bed, to the all best ROOMMATES, and then the romantic yearning love confession(slash argument) in the rain. this fic ruins you, but its so so so great i swear.

16. So... Zinnias? by suluswife (gen | 1/4 ) : guys idk what kind of fics you want from me for this one i gotta be honest,, i love nala and all that he does (and i know the second chapters in production!! it also writes ninjago fics please for the life of me go check them out) and this fic just. IT JUST FITS THE PROMPT!! i read this at 3am!! it has the conversation at midnight and that writing that just FLOWS you know?? it's a platonic jt fic (im trying really hard to find nicktoon fics in general, i pinkie promise) with a soulmate au! jimmy and timmy are both idiots in this, but they have a conversation on the roof while staring at the stars so its a great fic by all standards.

17. best two out of three by dhe20 (gen | 1/1 ) : theyre so funny in this fic i love them so much.. if youve looked at my reblogs you know that i love it when they say just the stupidest shit ever, and this fic DEFINITELY fits the bill. it's so funny it kills me every time! plus the way the author writes converys the battle scene well, and im so happy that this fic has a number in the title so that i could convey my love for it here!

18. Healing Hands by Crossovers_R_Us (teen | 1/1 ) : ough i love this fic. i think my favorite part about this fic is how they act like teenagers?? (and ofc how they love each other but i think that part goes unsaid) it's just. manny is so so so sick and danny is willing to lie with him even if it means getting sick. timmy teases the two of them. there's no life-ending mission it's JUST fluff omg omg. im such a sucker for sickfics because they're SO soft and the author does a great job conveying it with their writing!!

19. It's never too late for you (I told you, you can stay) by FlowersandMiel (gen | 1/1 ) : oh my GOD i read this the other day and like. ough. out of this list there are maybe four that i would truly really beg everyone here to read (2, 3, 10) and this is DEFINITELY one of them. it came out a few days ago but it has so very little attention and idk what to say you just need to read it. like genuinely. like this fic changed my life. like please read it. like now. it's about timmy turner moving in with jimmy neutron and getting sick in the middle of the night, thus prompting him to get jimmy to help. timmy thinks he's in trouble (he's not). GENUINELY if you like well written fics PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE check this one out

[mysmorgasbordoffantabulosa]

Lol I wasn't trying to pick a fight. When I said poorly done edits I meant by bighit editors like teleporting them and stuff 😆. I was really curious as to what made you believe in them because sometimes you have good knck of analysis that so many things makes sense. I just wanted to know if you havediff perspective. You also said in one anons ask that you prefer concrete evidence so thought I'll ask.

No worries I get sometimes it's hard to explain our beliefs.

Hi, thanks for clarifying what you meant. And yes the BigHit editors are notorious, lol, particularly pre-2020.

Whilst I can't pinpoint the moment, as it took place over several months of realising that this ship was real, I can say 2018 as a whole and what I observed was probably the key era. There are several things, when added up, started to solidify in my mind there relationship was probably more than just friends...

The Namsen Hotel Date

Taekook on 26th January were photographed at the restaurant of a Namsen hotel, about 10 mins aware from their Dorm at the time, they were along. In order to book at the hotel, reservations most be done in advance. Two months later, Jimin said this in a magazine interview:

Dispatch, Contract negotiations and the rumour of a gay couple, 2 years apart in age from the same top idol group

Back in 2016, a rumour emerged of a high profile idol group had a couple where the two were 2 years apart in age, that in Dispatch's 2017, would be the annual couple revealed by them. After this, Taekook were clearly being separated and content edited to show them as not being close. The rumour re-emerged in 2018, just as BTS's contract renewal/possibly disbandment was happening. All those rumours disappeared once the contract was renewed, and it appeared that Dispatch had a special arrangement with BTS for exclusive content. But here's the thing everytime Dispatched published anything about BTS, the featured photo would always be Taekook. And let us not forget the instagram post when Dispatched use the love hearts and the gay male couple emojis with a photo of Taekook...

Yoongi's Text to just them and the way the members talked about and treated them

During Festa 2018 (then again in a Japanese TV show, Taekook talk about receiving same a long message from Yoongi telling them he loves them. They were together when reading and supposed both cried. I found it very strange that Yoongi would need to send them both the same message unless it directly related to both of them.

Another thing that happen this year was the constant way the members would push them together, or mentioned them as being the same or different that the rest of the members, and only share playlists with each other and not the group...

Summer Package, Bon Voyage 3 & GCF

Summer Package and Saipan GCF, showed a very clingy Taekook, Tae wanting JK to do the same thing as him. The fact they went for an early morning stroll on the beach in pyjamas to film part of the GCF (something of a recurring them for them in both In the Soop and a private holiday. The, summer package was when JK challenged Tae when he called JK a friend (everything a little weird for a bit there).

Also let us not forget GCF Newark and vlive from the previous day that was suspicious.

Bon Voyage, was interesting, because 1 big thing happened at that time, Tae's grandfather passed away shortly before filming, and was the reason for his absence. Whilst, Tae was not there JK was constantly on his phone, when he arrived in Malta we barely saw it again. Then of course JK (and the teams) not so subtle way of allowing Tae to share with JK, in a double bed. There were weird things happening, like the ever depleted toilet tissue and JK's weird way of waking up, like he had something on his fingers, the cuddling and how the members tried to make a joke of it but it was not really working. Things were just odd. Then of course were the hidden moments not in BV3, like Taekook going for a stroll together and two bodyguards, only to be stopped by a Red Bull van, or the moonlight walk and drinks that only Taekook appeared to do together.

The two Taekook kisses and general clinginess.

Kiss 1 the concert nape kiss:

JK's reaction was interesting...

Then you have the exclusive fan content cheek kisses:

The reaction and what the members say is interesting, as it seems that do this sort of thing a lot in the dorm and they are also concern if they are allowed to do this...

Also this year, Taekook became very clingy...

Like I said, not one thing but many that make me think... yep a couple.

About the Concrete Evidence

Regarding, concrete evidence, perhaps "concrete" isn't the correct word to use and maybe "actual" is better. All fans and shippers who create content (outside of fan fiction, of course), will focus that content on what they love. Taekookers focus the content on Tae and JK, Jikookers on JK and Jimin etc... sometimes to the point of editing out other people and additional context that gives you a bigger picture to what you're seeing.

That is why, whenever I watch a Taekook Analysis or Compilation Video, see a post on Tumblr or a Tweet that says/shows something, I'm aware that what I may be seeing is not be the whole picture or context.

So I try best to find and watch the original video, photo or tweet etc, without a Taekook fan's focus on it, so I can see the full context of what they're trying to say.

I would tell anyone to do the same with anything Taekook/BTS related posted on here. Don't just take my word for it, do your own research and make up your own mind.

[delicrieux]

☆ﾐ 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚊𝚢 “𝚘𝚑”

PART 10: BIG DICK IS BACK IN TOWN

y/n is back in brooklyn for the holidays. thinking that a stream will make her feel less homesick for cali, she starts working on her famously titled hentai.free.srv. what was supposed to be a relaxing stream turns into a special delivery about two hours in.

─── corpse husband x reader ─── soc. media + written fiction! ─── word count: 2.2k ─── ❥ req: Here's one... You know those apps for delivery like Domino's or whatnot... What if reader is streaming Among Us with Corpse, and reader mentions they're hungry and Corpse offers to order them food, and readers like no no it's fine... Then there's delivery at the door (Corpse ordered beforehand) 

author’s note: fucky format is also back in town baby!!! also if you find any mistakes - no u didnt <3 thank u everyone for enjoying this story sm i literally cant believe how feral yall going strawberry cow was a nuclear explosion im still recovering tbh. got an ask a while ago and decided to incorporate it into myso. happy holidays everyone! myso will continue on monday!

ultimate masterlist.  ҉  myso masterlist   ҉   previous.  ҉   next.

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Indeed, being soft on any social media platform was the biggest disgrace and needed to be eliminated post haste. Moreover, it was a slippery slope - once you start flooding your timeline with cute imagery and heart emojis, what will stop you from posting inspirational Facebook quotes? Disgusting. If Rae were here, she would chide you (not you thinking about her as if she’s dead or something). For once in your life, you feel like you deserve it. 

Alas, you hope this little chaos you’ve caused is enough to throw everyone off. The stans, especially. You know the hashtags, you’ve seen ARMY scourging for info online with the same fervor and ruthlessness 1 Direction fans hacked airport security cameras just to spy on the boys. If you had any dirty secrets online, they are out to the public now - thankfully, besides the Harry Styles stan account (with edits and all), you have nothing. Though, now that you think about it, exposed nudes would have been better than your Punk!Harry edit receiving almost a million views. God, your life’s a fucking mess.

Your fans aren’t the only ones out for info - you, too, are trying to decipher Rae’s message. Code: Barbecue Sauce. The two of you had come up with it roughly two years ago, around the same time when you promised that if you didn’t find significant others by the time you’re 40, you’ll just marry each other. It was one of the many rules found in your friendship codex. Barbecue Sauce signifies information - an exchange of information. And depending on how it ends or begins (”So I’m sitting there” alludes to Rae, “On my titties” alludes to you), secret data on that person is given away, usually free of charge. 

But why? And to whom did Rae give away what? You had pestered her mercilessly and even sent some voice messages where you were crying. You were only crying because of a video of a grandpa smiling you saw on TikTok, but you are a snake, and so you put those tears to good use. If streaming doesn’t work out, you’ll just become an actress. Hollywood would love you. Your PR firm sure as fuck wouldn’t, though.

Rae was having none of it. She said you’ll figure it out eventually. Told you to channel your superior puzzle skills. You were quick to remind her that you can barely count to ten without having an aneurysm. Oddly serious, she admitted that she worries for you sometimes. Why only sometimes?! you demanded. She merely sighed. uttering under her breath something that sounded closely to “Boke.”

You leave her for barely a week and she’s already neck deep in the gay volleyball anime, hoodie and cardboard cutout and everything. Your life is falling apart.

But Brooklyn is nice. It had snowed when you stepped off of the plane. Thousands of snowflakes sprinkling into your hair, dotting your cheeks and nose. You missed this sight back in Cali. You missed your parents, too. 

Home cooked meals, old sweaters, your old room and about 40GB worth of old high school pictures on your computer. You went through them all one night. Some were stomach churning, cringe inducing nightmares. You were especially fond of those. Texted some of your friends that were still in Brooklyn, met up, decided to bake. Bad idea, Rae was the resident chef back in Cali. Besides laughing till your stomach hurt, and almost burning down your kitchen, nothing all that significant happened. Somewhere down the line, at about 3 am, half-way through a cheesy rom-com you had the overwhelming urge to text Corpse.

That’s where the problems really started. God, you missed California, missed being in the same timezone with a guy you hadn’t even met yet, how embarrassing is that?! You missed skating around and taking pictures of the beach in the setting sun, sending it to him, silently wishing he was with you to admire the view. 

You really want to call him. And to hang out with him. But for some reason, the thought of that springs up immediate anxiety and you shy away from asking. Him sending you cute good morning texts doesn’t help, either. Maybe it’s better he doesn’t know that you’re a blushing, stuttering mess each time you read “baby”. 

Late evening. Your stream is already set up, people are slowly trickling in and you greet them with a grin and a soft “Hello! Hi hi!”. You did your best to make your room a perfectly chaotic backdrop - led lights, an embarrassing amount of anime merch and plushies. You always try to balance out your weeb side by dressing hot as fuck for your streams - today’s inspiration just so happens to be egirls. Mostly because you watched one too many egirl make-up tutorials on TikTok, and also because you’ve been listening to Corpse’s song all day.

Yeah, no, who are you kidding, you dressed up this way because you were hoping Corpse was watching your stream. You didn’t forget your cat headphones, either. You know he likes them. You want to make him suffer. Perhaps then, finally, he will ask you out, so you wouldn’t have to.

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“I feel like,” You start when you put away your phone, staring idly at the chat, “I feel like I need a new name for you guys. Calling you guys after two years of streaming is just... weird, no? I also don’t respect men so I don’t want to call you guys. Like, so many creator’s have, like, a name for their fans. Uhm, Cody Ko has the chodesters, Kurtis Conner has, uh, folks? Kurtis Town? Citizens! Markiplier has mommy issues--” You can’t help snorting, “So, I’ve been, like, thinking - I know, shocking! - so I was thinking I’m gonna name you cockroaches. Because you’re grimy little shits impossible to kill. And also then I can use the legendary Minaj meme ROACHES!”

Your stream enthusiastically echoes ROACHES, making the chat swim. Yes, if anyone would enjoy such a name, it would be your audience. You’re as equally proud as you are disturbed.

“Well, anyway.” Leaning back into your chair, you throw your arms out with a bright grin, “Big dick is back in town, baby! If you noticed the backdrops different, it’s cuz I’m in Brooklyn now. Don’t ask me when I will return to Always Sunny, I don’t plan that far ahead.”

While Minecraft boots up, you decide to answer a few questions.

r u dating sykkuno?

You want to smack your head into the keyboard, but as it is, you can’t exactly afford a new one, so you refrain, “No, Sykkuno and I are not dating, we are just good friends. Uhm, I’m not sure how much I’ll have to repeat this, but, we really aren’t, so if the roaches could chill - Oh my God, that sounds so stupid, I love it - uh, yeah, if the roaches could chill that’d be great.”

the roaches lmao sounds like we’re a sports team

“Oh shit, yeah it does, uh-- maybe I can make like, jerseys or something. That’d be cool, I think.”

how disappointed are your parents with the way your life turned out?

“My parents are actually not disappointed at all!” You say with a cute little smile, “Uhm, they’re both really proud, actually. They’re glad I found something I love doing and made a job outta it. Dad finds my Youtube videos endearing. Yes, they watch pretty much all of my videos, unless I explicitly tell them not to. And yeah, with all the fucks and thirsting for anime characters. Uhm, it was very embarrassing at first, but I mean, after a while, shame just...doesn’t exist anymore, I guess? Funny thing about my parents, actually, when they watch my videos-” You eye catches a comment, “Oh! No, they only watch my Youtube videos. They don’t know how to use Twitter, thank God. Uhm, anyway-- when they hear a name they don’t know, like, I dunno, Dabi, or something, they google--” You’re grinning by now, eyes crinkling, giggling softly, “--who that is, and buy me like, merch and stuff. It’s really cute. 

can i be adopted by ur parents plz

will you and corpse ever collab?!

You were about to answer, though the man of the hour himself decides to do it for you.

Corpse_Husband: yes.

Okay, not to say your heart skipped a beat, but it totally did. With a pleased smile, you nod, like one of those bobble head toys sold at the dollar store. The motion is oddly reminiscent of Sykkuno’s own nod. Perhaps you had picked it up from him. The chat seems to notice.

pack it up, sykkuno

More questions pile about this mysterious collab you and Corpse are planning. Yeah, you’d like to hear more about it, too, since he single highhandedly decided one was happening right now. Corpse remains silent. Fine, keep your secrets. 

“Okay, guys, oh, I mean, roaches, Oh my God--” You’re covering your mouth, giggling, “-calling all roaches, calling all roaches, calm down. Everyone grab a snack and a blanket I’m turning up the music volume so we can all chill. Entering chill zone. Entering chill zone. Roaches, prepare.”

we are prepared

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An hour or so passes and you grow hungry. It shows with the amount of cakes you had baked in your server. Currently, you find yourself throwing eggs at the wall of one of the renovated houses, your face scrunched in concentration and slight frustration. 24 of the 50 eggs have been wasted. “What’s a girl gotta do to get some chicks around here?” you had uttered under your breath, until, finally, a screech - the egg finally spawns a mob. Your mouth falls open, “Aww, look!” You approach it, so small, walking in zigzags beside you, “It’s a baby chicken! Die, bitch.” The baby chicken is no more as you swing your bedazzled (you have mods) diamond sword. You’re cackling by the time the dust settles.

y/n is a child murderer

“Roaches,” You address your fan-base, spurring another fit of laughter - you can’t get over the name, “I think I’m like, forgetting that eating in Minecraft won’t actually make less hungry in real life.”

take a break and go eat queen <3

“Fuck no, we starve and die like men. Now I actually really need another chicken.”

Another twenty minutes trickle by and you’re trying to lure back a panda from the jungle when there’s a knock on your bedroom’s door. Whipping your head to the side, you slide down your headphones. At the same time, your mom pokes her head through the ajar door, “MOM!” You scream, “Get OUT of my room I’m playing Minecraft!” But your yell has no actual bite to it, as you don’t manage to hide your smile. Your mom laughs, doing some sort of sign language and motioning for you to follow her with her head. That or it’s some sort of performative dance. 

“I’m live right now,” You tell her, pointing at your screen. She knows this already, though, “do you want to say hi?” 

The roaches spam the chat with friendly hellos. You mom, quite impatient now, waves you over. 

“Sorry, roaches, mom needs something. Be back in a bit!”

Stopping the stream, you rush out of your seat and pleased she slinks into the hallway. “What’s this about?”

“Your pizza came.”

“My what now?” You echo, confused.

“Domino’s. You ordered pizza?”

“What? No? I was busy with the stream, I never--”

Thankfully, you had managed to grab your phone from your room before you exited. You almost choke on spit once you read the messages.

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You decide that it’ll be impossible to stream after experiencing what you had just experienced. You tweet out a quick apology to the roaches (God, that fucking name) and say that you had a breakdown but you’re okay. That is as a close to the truth as you managed to muster. It’s a sad sight, chewing and crying; your mom winced when she saw your state - disheveled hair and rundown eyeliner and everything. “D’aww,” She had muttered, caressing the top of your head, “don’t cry my little raccoon.”

If anyone was ever to ask you where did your chaotic nature come from, you’d answer with my mom. To make yourself feel better, you took a selfie - duck face and peace sign and the horrible 2000′s angle. Sent it to Rae. 

looking hot, her message read. 

thanks, was all you replied with.

You couldn’t just leave things as they were. Once you calmed down, you wanted to text Corpse, but how would you follow up the ungodly caps lock and screeching? Impossible. An idea sprung to mind, one that was brave. Taking the first step.

Instead of sending a text, you sent a voice memo.

“Thank you for the pizza, it was delicious.”

You voice still sounded a bit raspy. His reply was instant. Your heart skipped a beat. He sent a voice memo back.

“Glad you liked it, baby.”

He was going to be the death of you.

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tags (in italics is those i couldn’t tag! make sure all’s ok w your settings!) : @littlebabysandboxburritos - @fairywriter-oracle - @tsukishimawh0re - @ofstarsanddreams - @bbecc-a - @annshit - @leahh19 - @letsloveimagines - @bellomi-clarke - @wineandionysus - @guiltydols - @onephootinfrontoftheother - @liamakorn - @thirstyfangirl - @lilysdaydreams - @pan-ini - @mxqicshxp - @tanchosanke - @yoshinorecommends - @flightsandfantasy - @liljennyx3 - @slashersdream - @unknown-and-invisible - @sinister-sleep - @fivedicksinatrenchcoat - @mercury–moon - @peterparkerspjsuit - @unstableye - @simonsbluee - @shinyshimaagain - @ppopty - @siriuslystupid - @crapimahuman - @ofthedewthesunlight - @mythicalamphitrite - @artsyally - @corpsesimpp - @corpsewhitetee - @corpse-husbandsimp - @hyp-oh-critical - @roses-and-grasses - @rhyrhy462 - @sparklylandflaplawyer - @charbkgo - @airwaveee - @creativedogs - @kaitlyn2907 - @loxbbg - @afuckingunicornn - @fleurmoon - @yeolliedokai - @truly-dionysus - @multi-fandom-central707

more tags are in the comments bcs tumblr only allows me to tag 50 people max 💙

[draco-and-tom]

TW!!!-  Mentions of suicide attempt, Mentions of suicide note, Mentions of alcohol, Mentions of grooming, Mentions of sexual assault, Mentions of cheating, Mentions of early eating disorder signs. Please let me know If you catch any I didn’t say.

This is about Talia (@satans-little-devil) Okay, so it has come to my attention that I have been played long story short. It all started when she sent in this request. I love requests and was delighted to write for her. Talia would keep checking up on me and asking if I ate/drank etc. We started talking and becoming friends and after about 2 weeks she started getting flirty. I did not know her age at the time so I would flirt back. I'm a little flirty with all of my friends so I didn't see anything wrong with it. After about another week we got even more flirty and on a Friday of (I think) April we started dating. I called her 2 times while we were dating and both times she had an excuse for why she couldn't speak, only listen. On those calls I told her how alcohol and sexual abuse were triggers for me which will come into play later. We dated for 3 days till she told me that she wasn't comfortable with my age, so we were going to wait a bit. We continued to do the exact same things as we were doing before. We weren't supposed to talk romantically to anyone else, we weren't supposed to kiss, touch others, anything like that. After about a week of that is when the suicide attempt and letter posts happened. She had told me about how her parents were abusive and I even supposedly got her in trouble because of our messages. Her parents are homophobic and her sister read through them, then told their parents. I don't even know if I believe this anymore because I've had a gut feeling about this and some things didn't add up which I will get into later. That night I begged her to not do it and told her a whole bunch of things to get her to stop. I even messaged a random person I saw on her blog a couple of times (that I did not know) seeking help. She ended up telling me that I had convinced her and that her parents needed her for chores or something. At this point I'm blowing up her phone, because she hasn't answered me in a while and I'm starting to get worried. She answers me after a few more minutes and tells me that she’s okay and going for a drive. I tell her that's fine, but to be safe because the last time she told me that she got into her wreck. She told me that she would be and once again she stops answering completely. I blew up her phone a lot at this point because i was so scared that something had happened to her. I woke up around once every hour to check our messages and send new ones. I wake up around 3 or 4 in the morning and see that she messaged me back. I read it and she tells me about a post that her sister made for her talking about the attempt. I keep talking to her and she keeps saying sorry and so do I. After a couple of days all of her surgeries are done and she is resting in the hospital. That weekend I get random messages from her telling me things that I couldn't quite make out. She ended up telling me about a day later that she was in a Christian mental hospital and that the messages were her trying to get help. This is why she was saying things like “I'm fine they told me themselves”. She was talking about the nuns. I was pretty skeptical about this because I’ve been told by people I know that they take away electronics from patience there so I asked her how she still had her phone. She told me that she didn't and that they allowed her to have her school lap top. Me being me thought that it was odd, and decided to trust her because I thought that we were close. I’ve always been a trusting person and refused to act on all of the red flags that I saw. She told me that her parents forged her signature, but later she informed me that she found out her doctor signed her into the mental hospital/group home type place. After a while she seemed to be getting better and told me that she liked it better there because she didn't have to deal with her parents. A few days later she informs me about a friend named Blake. Apparently he was one of her friends that she had known since elementary school. She told me that they were really close and that they cuddled which I was uncomfortable with because I'm a very jealous/territorial person, but I let it slide because I felt that I was over reacting and she shouldn't have to change her friendship habits for me. The next day were talking and she tells me that they kiss in a “friend” kind of way. I don't know exactly what that means to her, but that was were I told her in made me upset. She told me that he was gay and that he had a fiancé that he loved dearly. A few moments later all of the sudden Blake is bisexual. She tells me to not worry about him and I brush it off. The next day I am informed that Blake’s boy friend cheated and they broke up. She started telling me about how He would get drunk and become violent and would tell her to hide the alcohol from him. I asked her how he got it in the first place since they were in a mental hospital after all. She basically told me that the nuns didn't care. One of the days he got drunk she told me that he sexually assaulted her. I told her that it was not okay and that she should cut him off. She said no because he was one of her best friends. I eventually convinced her to at least talk to him about it and they ended up crying. We ended up setting boundaries for them. After all of that cleared up she tells me about a friend named Jacob she had coming to visit. Before reading this part please note that I am a minor. I have no experience with sexual matters other than what I see and read, so I have no clue how communication during works. I'm obviously not innocent, considering I run a smut page, but I am not sexually active either. Talia would always push me into sexual things, but in the end I always gave my consent. We didn't do anything overly sexual, just texting. She would always tease me about doing sexual things with both of her friends even though she knew it bothered me. One time she did and told me that she did sexual things with him. I didn't believe her. Later in the day I told her to be nice and that I wasn't mad to which she responds with something like “you aren't mad about Jason?”. At this point I was a little confused and asked if they actually did anything and she ends up saying that they did. She basically blamed it on me and I ended up feeling bad for 2 reasons. 

1. I had just been cheated on for the first time

2. I felt like it was my fault.

she said that she was sorry, but I was being too mean and she wanted to be good for someone and that I should have known. By this point in our relationship I started developing eating issues. I would get so stressed out that if I even thought about eating I felt like I would throw up. I told her about it, but did not tell her what the cause of my eating problems were. After a couple of days I'm having a good time at the beach on vacation. She knew that I was on vacation and that I was trying to relax because of my recent problems having to do with her, and just life in general. About 2 nights ago she messages me and tells me that she kissed Jason again. I’m going to try not to show too much emotion in this because i don't want to trauma dump you guys, so ill say the rest as good as I can. I forgave her again. I told her that if it happened again that we were over and she agreed. everything went fine and yesterday was actually pretty smooth sailing. Me and her had nice talks. Her friend messaged me and she asked me to block her, and I did. The only thing that was bothering me at this time is that she started to stop talking to me earlier in the day. The schedule change was drastic. We used to message throughout from around 9am-1am, and it recently changed to around 12pm-8pm. Today I woke up, got ready to leave my hotel, and messaged her at about 7am. In the car I messaged her and told her that I might not be able to talk for awhile because i lost my charger. she ends up responding with “hiii” and that was the last message I got and will probably get from her, because when I got back home and checked my messages her whole account was de-activated. I unblock her friend and ask her if Talia is okay. her friend still hasn't answered, even though I don't think I want her to anymore. I saw a couple posts about her, but didn't believe them until i saw an ask from @sexy-for-cedric about @were-not-doing-get-help  ‘s post. If it wasn't for that I would probably still be on her side, but knowing that I was cheated on ATLEAST 3 times in a month by the same person sent me over the edge. I understand that what she did was horrible, but please don't tag me in any posts shunning her or saying dreadful things about her. I know that its wrong for me to, but I still love her and I hope you all understand that I hate myself for it, so please don't be rude to me. I was already nervous enough to post this. And if anyone tries to tell me how I feel trust me, I know how i felt about her. I have a locket with her picture in it that I cant wear anymore. I hope anyone that is going through what I am knows that my dms are always open and that this is not your fault.

And Talia if you are seeing this I'm sorry and I truly do love you, but the pain started to be too much as of today when I found out. I'm sorry, I hope you find your way in life. I hope you are okay.

People I think should read this: @sexy-for-cedric @were-not-doing-get-help @georgeswh0re @quindolyn @krasivayadarling @inureflower @just-the-best-devil @mrzweasley

[zuzuslastbraincell]

For the salty ask game: 6, 10 and 16? <3

6: Has fandom ever made you enjoy a pairing you previously hated?

I never used to like kataang or maiko much, but I’m good with the former and really like the latter now.

while I’m still not a big fan of the kataang (without wanting to write an essay: ember island players ruins it for me), I’ve softened on it a lot largely just from seeing the content for it on here. they’re just honestly very sweet? I don’t know if it’ll last for practical reasons, but the idea of aang & katara offering each other hope from the beginning and until the end is just lovely. 

as for maiko, I absolutely love the strength of mai & zuko’s dynamic (platonic or romantic) just from their boiling rock interactions alone. I feel like a lot of early s3 maiko very much demonstrates that they have some communication difficulties to work through together (thinking about the beach in particular here, but also the ‘are you cold?’ scene, as well as the break-up via letter interaction, that’s the big one) and in a sense mai represents part of zuko’s ‘ideal’ life as a perfect prince that he realises that he has to break from in the first half of s3, but I’ve come around to the idea that if they spent some time working through their communication issues they could really have something lovely? I do also think mai deserves a short break from the stifling culture of nobility/time to explore herself first, but after that? totally could work. like, i’m personally really attached to the gay zuko headcanon and always have been but a lot recent mutuals are maiko shippers and i’ve become very attached to maiko as well because of them (in parallel universes of course).

16: If you could change anything in the show, what would you change?

so many things....

1. less racist, more sensitive worldbuilding. crucially better south asian rep, clear south asian rep. this also means including removing the caricature of guru pathik and changing the design of combustion man (and p’li) not to include a reference to shiva. the show’s philosophies and vocabulary owes so much to south asian culture and the lack of representation in that aspect alone is shocking.

2. references to the fact that there are some air nomad survivors / descendents in hiding in various and that being a late s2 / s3 subplot. (maybe aang is still the last airbender tho? but certainly his culture won’t die with him). the culture isn’t perfectly preserved / has changed with time and enduring hardships, some things have been lost, but there are still survivors clinging on, proud. maybe it’s this community that helps with him the avatar state, not a random guru? or they could help him with his s3e1 dilemma about ‘blending in’, as many of them have discarded certain aspects of appearance in order to hide? i feel like this could add so much to aang’s arc in the latter half of the show.

3. better writing of the white lotus, with the white lotus as a international resistance org that operates in all nations, that uses old man’s pai sho club as a front. they’re introduced as opposing the dai li in ba sing se, as trying to organise resistance in secret, have ties to some local revolutionary/radical factions as they have a long standing rivalry with the dai li (& part of the reason the dai li side with azula is to crush the white lotus and resistance to their reign). iroh is not grand lotus but merely gets recruited in s2, as part of a redemption arc.

4. a subtle iroh redemption arc where iroh realises he cannot simply be passive and perhaps let the treasonous thought ”hm, maybe it would have been better if the avatar fought sozin” cross his mind - he needs to take a more active role in opposing the fire nation, and he joins the white lotus. i think he also needs to reckon quite specifically with the cost of the siege of ba sing se, he needs to make amends to those hurt from it on both sides - be confronted by fire nation defectors who left after the siege because why were their deaths less important that his son’s? as well as encounter how the siege left scars on the lower ring, in a less visible way (untrained lower ring residents formed resistance militia and generally died in huge numbers; plague and starvation greatly affected the lower ring, etc.). no iroh as a moral authority here - he’s morally grey trying to become good. also he doesn’t stick around in ba sing se, he realises the jasmine dragon, as lovely as it is, isn’t true redemption either, and at the end of the series he stays in the fire nation.

5. leading into point 3 (and 4): in s3 the gaang encounters and works with grassroots underground resistance in the fire nation. i think this is a better message than ‘oh the fire nation is a soceity ridden by class division that exploits its poorer / less privileged people and its own environment as long as it doesn’t affect the elite, and turns even its most privileged children into traumatised child soldiers and is indirectly hurt by its own colonialism and imperialistic culture, and that’s deeply sad’ - i think a better message is ‘the fire nation is a society with all those problems and you can do something about it. you can stand up. even though that’s scary.’ this resistance group is around for day of black sun (in fact they’re vital to it) and then you see a key member in boiling rock too.

6. no combustion man. honestly? weak writing. would much prefer zuko attempting to ‘stealthily’ track the gaang on the false premise of a ‘welcome home tour’ where he slips out under night to try and chase them down - this would mostly be alluded to in a few scenes. i also think this would get zuko to realise how much the fire nation itself has been hurt from war. i think the main early s3 plot points e.g. the beach episode still happens, as does the war meeting. i feel like zuko would need extra firepower to be a decent s3 threat - maybe he takes mai and ty lee with him? zuko ultimate lesbian ally takes bored lesbians from the palace for a knife throwing chi blocking field trip kjfshdj i’m joking. but seriously we could also have a combustion bender on board as well as a potential new character (i’m imagining someone like a younger p’li if i’m honest, same age range as zuko), as long as they have a character beyond being a scary assassin. maybe they defect early to the resistance group before the day of black sun, tell zuko they should too (but zuko doesn’t listen)? that’d be rad.

7. the existence of grassroots resistance would basically allow for the series to end with zuko being offerred the crown, but deciding to give it up / end the royal line. rather than a power vacuum, or iroh, the existance of resistance means there are clearly people (i.e. adults) who can fill that space. maybe this is a bit optimistic of me but i would just love to set up a scenario where zuko doesn’t become a boy-king of an imperialist nation and where absolute monarchy doesn’t continue, where there’s a clear shift in system. i understand the narrative power of zuko acknowledges he has inherited wealth and power that has been gained through exploitation and imperialism, and dedicating his whole life to undoing the damage his family has done, but i think he can do this without being the fire lord? in fact not being the fire lord is a good first step. zuko finds another way of doing exactly this.

8. talked about this a lot recently but better toph s3 representation & greater ties to the earth kingdom. also, i’d just appreciate a lot more flavour from the earth kingdom as a whole, and more prominent characters from there?

9. okay i’m not sure there is quite honestly space in the narrative for an azula redemption clearly on screen in as much depth as zuko’s but 1. i’d like iroh not to treat her horribly, thanks, and maybe even try to reach out to her at appropriate moments, maybe we see him (comically) say a lovely warm hello during her s2 appearances, maybe we see her play pai sho with him in s3 while he’s in prison in return for some secret info he’s not actually giving her while he’s not-so-subtly suggesting she should defy her father (but it’s too little too late, he already *chose* zuko in her eyes, and perhaps he did and is only just beginning to realise that) 2. i would like some hope and optimism at the end for azula. her breakdown is truly tragic but it feels like pain for pain’s sake in a sense - i would have loved for the finale scene with zuko & ozai replaced with a scene where someone visits azula and tells them they’ll be there for her and/or they love her. perhaps iroh, perhaps zuko (though i think that one would be more complicated obviously). i would love a post-finale scene where iroh sets up a tea shop somewhere in the fire nation where we see azula out the back, finishing up wiping down/mopping the patio, and before aang goes inside to say hi to his friends, we see them bump into each other - azula bows deeply, a clear apology, and aang accepts it. then we see azula runs off to go hang out with some friends before we follow aang inside as he encounters his own friends.

basically i’d rewrite a lot of s3. i’m dearly, dearly attached to s3, especially the second half, which has some of my favourite episodes of the entire season, but i think it’s flawed.

[jad110]

LGBTQ and BIPOC in Media Blog #3

In this unit, we watched five films that involve LGBTQ and BIOPIC themes. I believe that these films can be considered “Queer” style films. In my opinion, a film can be considered “queer” when it shows the challenges and hardships of the LGBTQ community. The representation of characters in the community through a stylistic or aesthetic approach. Each of these films shows different LGBTQ stories that present differently. Queer films involve unique editing and other visual details to show the characters. These different elements help show the audience the message and represent the LGBTQ community. I believe that in “queer” style films there is a lot of emphasis on nature and natural beauty. In “Brokeback Mountain” the setting for the majority of the film is in the beautiful mountains surrounded by wildlife and greens. “Call Me By Your Name” takes place in the beautiful countryside of Italy with natural lakes and lots of trees with colorful flowers and fruits. The environment in “Moonlight” shows how rough life can be but also how beauty can be revealed. “Mysterious Skin” and “Boy’s Don’t Cry” show the beauty in a small town with secrets. Truthfully, I have never seen any of these films and probably would never pick out these films to watch, but I enjoyed all of them in different ways. 

Queer-style stories show challenges and breakthroughs of who you really are. The film “Moonlight” is an excellent movie and I think that it represents the Black, Indigenous, and People of Color (BIPOC) very well. This movie had a full cast of POC. This movie shows the struggle that Chiron, a quiet black kid who had a very troubling life. Throughout Chiron’s life, he had been bullied and neglected by his parents. Chiron ran away from his bullies right into Juan’s life. ( 3:50-5:40). Juan is a local honest man who also happens to be a drug dealer. This film showed the emotional trauma that many black men go through. Black men are expected to be tough and not very sensitive. Because Chiron was smaller than the other kids and quiet he made for a target for other kids in his town. I believe that Chiron’s race had a big impact on his coming out and how he found his identity. “Moonlight” included many images that are cinematography beautiful and have a queer style to them. Including when Kevin and Chiron find each other together at the beach at night (49:15-56:20). In this scene under the moonlight on the beach, Chiron and Kevin share an intimate experience and were able to show each other their identities. The editing during this scene gives the watcher a mix of nature and touch.  Many people who are LGBTQ have trouble finding their identity growing up. I feel that his story is like many others especially for people of color. I feel that these people are less accepted by the public and family. 

“Boy’s Don’t Cry” and “Moonlight” share the struggles of finding your masculinity and self-expression. Although Brandon did not have to worry about race expression he did have to worry about gender expression like Chiron. Brandon Teena identified as a male but did not want to tell his new group of friends who treated him as one of their own. Brandon tries to conform to the social norms of how men are supposed to act and look. Specifically, Brandon changed how his body looked in order for it to look more masculine. He taped up his breasts and adds socks to his underwear (31:45-32:21).  Unfortunately, things are not allowed as we plan them. Brandon and Lana fall of each other and begin a romantic relationship. When Tom and John find out that Brandon is not biologically male they turn to extreme violence and torture. They exposed his female part to Lana and everyone as a form of torture then they brought him to an abandoned parking lot where they beat and raped him. This action was to disintegrate Brandon’s gender as a male and his identity (1:22:10-1:30:18). The way the visual elements were displayed the watcher really feels for Brandon and allows the watcher to think twice about how we treat people in the LGBTQ community.

“Brokeback Mountain” shared a powerful movie about lovers who did not take their chance for one another. This film showed the way nature will show someone’s true nature. Ennis and Jack worked together for the summer and formed an unexpected relationship. Neither man identified as LGBTQ when they both say that they are not “queer” but formed a love for the other man. They had a bond that they could not explain and that they have never felt before. Even four-plus years later they shared the same feel like the beginning of their relationship. In the end, Jack had died and when Ennis finds out he is completely heartbroken. They had talked about living together and starting a farm but never did because of the time and how the LGBTQ people were treated. Ennis recalls a story to Jack about his dad showing him what happened to a gay man who was beaten and mutilated (1:11:22-1:12:25). Ennis was shown by his father the consequences of being gay and what would happen if he were to be gay. Later when Jack had died his wife says that there was an accident when Jack was changing a tire. Although we see that Jack was a victim of a hate crime just like the man Ennis’s father showed him. Beaten and mutilated to death (1:53:02-1:55:13). I believe that the treatment that Jack went through is similar to Brandon in “Boy’s Don’t Cry.” Both men were killed by people who discriminated against people of the LGBTQ community and the people in it. They were killed as a hate crime to show a message. This way of presenting films shows the gruesome truth of how some LGBTQ are treated.

“Call Me By Your Name” shows a beautiful relationship between two men that blossoms over the summer in Italy.  Elio and Oliver both have trouble speaking up about their feelings. Elio is a young teenager and has not experienced love like how he feels for Oliver. Oliver is not sure that Elio likes him at all. Once they both knew about their feelings for one another they only had a number of days left (2:06:33-2:07:00). They had a very special relationship where they were they were closer than regular friends, more intimate than loves, and have a bond that will change their lives forever. These men were also not characterized as gay in the film. This movie is what I would think about when talking about a “queer” style. The way the characters are represented and the scenery made them seem “perfect”. This movie shows the perfect scenario even though they do not end up together. Their lives were pretty perfect and unattainable. I enjoyed the movie because of the story but in terms of realism, it does not feel like it. In the film, they shared a lot of passion. On their first night together the camera shows the bed they share and then moves outside onto the trees swaying in the summer night. All their passion is surrounded by nature.

 “Mysterious Skin” shows how sexual abuse at a young age can change a person drastically. The coach of a little league took advantage of at least two of his young players, Brian and Neil. Because the boys were so young and not able to really understand the extent of what had happened to them. Neil was abused for a whole summer and believed that his coach actually loved him and thought he was special. He says ”No one ever made me feel that way before or since. I was special.”... “Yeah, but he really loved me. I mean, there were other kids sometimes, but I was his prize.”(1:11:24-1:11:49) He believed that Coach loved him and what he felt during the abuse was the peak of love. I think his willingness to subject himself to abuse in his adult years shows how the abuse followed him. His coach was a father figure in his life and because of this, he grew the compulsion of pleasing older men. He had been “groomed” by his abuser. While Brian was abused by his coach twice but he “blacked out” both times and configures the story of being abducted by aliens. I believe that he came up with this story in order to protect his own mind. Unfortunately, his mind caught up with him and started showing him a different story. He needed answers but only could get them from Neil. I think that this story does not relate to the other films because of the molestation and different consequences.

I feel that many people learn about sexuality and gender from media and films. Films give people different perspectives and learn more about what people are feeling. Although it is good for the representation of the LGBTQ community in films, it is also important for the representation to be correct and accurate. Watching films in Hollywood can influence the minds of young people. More and more shows and movies include someone of the LGBTQ community. The inclusion of them allows more people to be educated.

[mimi-sanisanidiot]

Love is wild sometimes, ain't it?

Do you ever feel like you're in love with someone that you can't have?

I am, more often than I'd like to admit.

I'm in love with my best friend. And I can't have her. Because she's in love with our other best friend. And it hurts. So damn much.

Hi, my name's Mimi and I'm a fucking dumbass, welcome to my tedtalk!

For the sake of anonymity of my friends, I'll refer to them as Bean, and Mochi. We're all female so here we are.

I met both Bean and Mochi in my first year of highschool. I met them separately in mutual classes and I found out we're all mutal friends. Bean was in my art class and we were on opposite ends of the room, but always in the view of one another. When I first saw Bean, she confused me so much. Bean is rather tall for a girl and has a slim thick frame, due to her androgynous style of clothes and fluffy short hair, she's often confused as a boy. Which works for her style. At the time, me being a still blind lil gay in the making, couldn't tell if she was a boy or a girl due to being so far away. But honestly it never bothered me. Still Bean confused me so much!! One day she'd be in baggy male clothing and the next she was in a crop top with a skirt and knee high socks! Either way she made my heart race! I didn't care if she was a boy exploring her style and identity or a girl having fun with her outfits or anything in between. So one day, I gathered the courage to finally walk up to her and complimented her My Chemical Romance t-shirt that she wore often, after class. I was never the kind of girl who made friends easily but could make conversation with any stranger if I truly tried to.

So saying that, you can obviously see that I as a new freshman tried to become friends with this beautifully intimidating human being by pointing out the most teenager angsty thing a teenager can wear to show how angsty they are! The cliche of teenager angst, My Chemical Romance!!! That aside, this would be my first official real conversation with her, aside from the shy hi's and nervous excuse me's that we often exchanged when we passed by and bumped into each other during class in accident. So you can see where this is going. I obviously made a fool of myself trying to speak clearly and loud enough for her to hear me as I walked by her on the way out of class, keep in mind most kids were trying to leave and they were quite loud since the door was near her desk. She hadn't heard me so she asked me to repeat myself, while I was panicking on the INSIDE! I did repeat myself, while stuttering a bit and my subtle lisp wasn't so subtle anymore! I was dying.. I wanted to bolt out that door and hide in my corner and never emerge again. But she was so nice.. She just smiled so sweetly and so kindly at me seeing that I was freaking out about my inability to speak properly at the moment, it surprised me honestly. No one other than my parents had looked at me like that but my parents hadn't comforted me about my stuttering since I was a child. And here she was, this awkwardly shy giant was smiling at me, making me feel so much better and still making my heart race. I felt myself smile back a bit and nodded and turned to make my way out of class. But she stopped me, she had then complimented my Attack on Titan button and my Spirited Away button my backpack, which made me so happy! She knew who these characters were and she complimented me on them. No one, not even my friends, said anything about them. They never noticed them, nor did they like anime. So to have Bean notice them and say she liked them, made my day.

Soon after that, I asked her if she'd like to join me for lunch and she did.

We hit it off immediately! We're both dorks and nerds about different childhood shows and random nerd stuff. Not only that, we both looove food! And we also connected on the fact that we're huge romantics and are girls on the slightly heavier and tall side too. We became close friends and hung out at lunch almost everyday. Up to this point, I was always by myself at lunch since all my other friends had 1st lunch and Bean and I had 2nd lunch. I was alone and then, I wasn't. Bean had made me her friend and that made a difference in my life for the better. I had dealt with a traumatic incident in my last year of middle school so i don't doubt that Bean practically saved my life my freshman year, even if she doesn't realize that but that is a story for another time. She also introduced me to some of my closest friends now. So I have her to thank for that. I soon realized that I had a huge crush on her that I feel like was really obvious but not to either of us. But that doesn't matter, since I never confessed and she had her boyfriends and people she dated as we grew closer. Although it hurt me, it made me happy just seeing her happy. And I was there to help her feel better when things didn't work out in the end. And that made feel happy just knowing she was happy and that I made her feel comfortable enough to come to me for help. So I too had dated a few people and had my heart broken quite a few times but my heart had always beated a bit faster when I thought of her.

My love for Bean only grew as the years pasted. But as did the growing friend zone between us. So I pulled an Angelica Skylar and was just happy that I could keep her in my life.

My bond with Mochi had also grown throughout the years despite us being different in multiple ways. Mochi sometimes gets overly comfortable sometimes and it ticks me off sometimes but she means well. The three of us have late night adventures and loads of sleep overs and have fun gushing about music and cute people, both male and female and nonbinary peeps! It's fun.

Back to my main simp story and not my sad friendzone gay shit.

The three of us are quite open with our sexuality and feminine charms, ya know? We flirt with each other often, it's always been part of our banter. We also playfully grope/fondle each other when ever we're together. The fondling occurs more often than not when we're with Mochi. Sure we all initiate it at some point but when Mochi is hanging out with either of us, she's the main instigator. We're all chill about it cause titties are nice, and so are soft thighs and love handles! We all like the soft plush!! We all drink body appreciation in this household!!

Mochi is fantastic! I love her so much! But she also becomes unresponsive to group moments sometimes.. Like we would all be chilling watching a movie or something, like maybe having a conversation and then she'd be off by herself always on her phone and never reacts to anything we say. When she stays over, she sleeps way in, past what we decided, and is inconsiderate of if either one of us have any other plans that day. We plan to have a sleep over of one day and she stays for 3. I can never ask her to leave cause I was always raised with my home is open for those who need it but one can also overstay their welcome. And I absolutely despise confrontation. It makes me uncomfortable and makes me feel like I'm the dick, even when I know that I'm in the right.

But that's besides the point. I love them, I truly do. I'm just weak against my friends when it comes to my own comfort sometimes. That's something I'm working on currently.

So you see, these are my best friends, yes they are flawed but so am I. Yet I absolutely love them.

Mochi had invited both Bean and me to a whole weekend trip with some of her friends that she wanted to introduce to us. Sadly I couldn't attend having already used my day out of that week the day before she had asked. But Bean went. They had a blast, drinking and going out to the shopping district of the beach town they went to. Not in that order obviously. They were safe and locked themselves in their hotel room when they began drinking and hadn't went out once they began. I'm not going to lie here, it hurt not being able to go because I was excited to meet Mochi's friends and hang out and have drink to let loose for once, you know?

But when they came back, Bean had kinda went off the grid. She wasn't responding to group chats nor private messaging. At first I thought, oh she's busy and she'll get back to me later so no sweat right? Wrong.. She never did. And when I'd check out our messages, she only left me on seen and that's it. Then I'm like, did I do something wrong or is she doing okay? Turns out, she's fine. But I wouldn't have known that if it weren't for Mochi. Mochi had told me something that broke my heart more than it did finding out Bean was in love with a toxic manipulating piece of garbage with mommy issues and she was sacrificing her own mental well being to help a human dumpster fire. Again that's another story for another time.

So this is it, it hurts to know the person I've been in love with for almost 6 years, had kissed my best friend and has admitted to a stranger, while drunk, about how much she wants to get with said best friend. Never.. Never did it occur to me, that she ever felt that way towards Mochi, and that she also kissed Mochi while Mochi was and still is with her boyfriend.

I don't know what hurts more, the drunk confession to a stranger, the kiss or that she didn't tell me her feelings for Mochi.

I know that I'm not entitled to her feelings nor her explanation nor ever lil detail of her life. Because that's not healthy nor is it right. I know that the only person at fault here is my own toxic mentality. But I still worry sometimes okay..?

I was worried that she was having a bad time and she was by herself.

I was worried that something had happened to her.

I was worried that she had had enough of me, and was simply trying to figure out a way to end our friendship without trying to be mean about it..

I was worried that she simply hated me and wanted me out of her life for good and was simply ghosting me until I got the hint...

Maybe that I had done something to have upsetted her..

I just guess that Bean didn't need my prying and needed time to collect her thoughts.

But at the very least, she could have done was send me a message. Like "I'm fine, need time to collect myself, ttyl" or something...!

My own intrusive thoughts are bad enough, but worrying about whether or not, my best friend is alright is too much!!

I dont even know! Maybe I'm the ass in this scenario! With my own toxic pensive ideals and my overbearing personality. Maybe I shouldn't project my feelings towards my best friends and maybe just fucking grow up and move on from something that will clearly never happen!!!

Maybe I should simply get over it..

But it hurts, so much..

Because maybe I missed my shot at ever being able to confess to Bean.. Because I'll never know if she ever felt the same, that I'll never know if I had a chance at all... All because I was too scared to lose my best friend...

Now I might lose both of them if they don't work their feelings out... Maybe I'm just a pathetic piece of garbage.

I have no clue how I'm supposed to act anymore. Mochi is still with her boyfriend, Bean is in an emotional limbo and needs to collect herself and I'm an emotional mess.

If anyone has any advice on what I should do or how I should proceed, please let me know.

I have dinner with them in an hour, and I'm scared.

Thank you if you made it this far, I appreciate that you're willing to read a strangers love life or the lack of one and follow their rant. I hope you all have a great day, evening, or night, stay hydrated and tell your loved ones that you love them before it's too late.

Please learn from my own mistakes. If anyone likes this, then let me know and I'll tell you more about my pathetic love life stories and my pining over my best friend.

[evak-fic-rec-turtleanon]

Evak Fics - Reconciliation

Read the tags as a few might be open ending. And in some of these they were still together in the beginning. Man, this list is angsty! I’m already planning on rereading them.

This will be under a read more.

Light by bri_ness (885 words) - Open ending. Even lays a beach towel down on the small patch of grass beside his apartment building’s parking lot, right beside the dumpster. He knows romance can thrive in spite of its setting. He looks at the stars, and he remembers. 

pull him back by hippopotamus (2k words) - “That’s my hoodie,” Isak says. “You left it at mine,” Even replies, as if Isak wasn’t fully aware of that. “And you didn’t ask for it back.” 

Resolution by bri_ness (2k words) - Isak's residency has him questioning his decision to be a doctor. When he's home for the holidays, he runs into Even, who gives him a new perspective. 

No One Knows Me Like You Do by obscurial (2.6k words) - He’s also shockingly sober, which only serves to remind him that fuck, he doesn’t even have an excuse for randomly messaging his ex-boyfriend of two years, out of the blue, at a socially unacceptable time to text your ex, if there even was one in the first place. 

Still Unformed by colazitron (3k words) - Even and Isak broke up a few years ago when Even moved to Germany to attend film school. Now he's moved back to Oslo. 

there's no one else I'd rather do this with by daddyhonkkk (3k words) - Even still has the extra Gabrielle ticket Isak got him for his birthday, but that was before they broke up. 

Like Breathing by BraveKate (3k words) - Even invites Isak to the premiere of his first movie. Part of a series but could be read as a standalone. 

left-handed by thekardemomme (3.5k words) - even always asks questions he doesn’t want to know the answers to. 

If Only by Stria (Asia117) (3.6k words) - Chatting with a random stranger that turns out to be your ex trope.

o night divine by thekardemomme (4k words) - This is the first Christmas in nearly five years that he’s spending without Isak, and while he still decorated his apartment and bought eggnog and spent an excruciating amount of time wrapping all of his gifts perfectly, the hole in his heart hasn’t gone unnoticed. 

Homesick by everything_else (4k words) - 5 times they take care of each other after the break up. +1 

Waking up to Nothing by dropdeadfox (4.6k words) - It’s been six months since Even has seen that grumpy- but- adorable pout on the most perfect pair of lips imaginable to men (and women). It’s been six months since he has heard that voice, it’s been six months since he has seen the most perfect, emerald- green eyes, gazing back at him. 

42 Seconds by thekardemomme (5k words) - Sunday is Isak’s ideal day. The day he looks forward to. This Sunday, Isak wakes up at 1pm, and the room is dark. The bed is empty and there’s no smell of breakfast. Even hasn’t slept next to him all week. The only thing that’s the same as every other Sunday for the past 23 months is the fact that Isak doesn’t want to get out of bed. 

Inbox: (1) New Email by scritch (6k words) - A story about falling back in love, one tweet, instagram post and email at a time 

the one where even says the wrong name by pansexuaIeven (6.5k words) - Even's getting married to Sonja, not Isak. The real question is: does he know that? Inspired by Friends. 

Shatter Me by givemesumaurgravy (6.6k words) - Even’s crying, he has been since the words ‘I slept with someone else’ left his mouth. To be honest, he’s been crying for hours since he got home from Mikael’s. Isak just sits there stoically and he says, “I’m not going to yell or any of that. I’m just going to make this really fucking awkward and uncomfortable for you.” “I want you to tell me everything that happened,” 

That look you give that guy by Lokkanel (7.4k words) - Isak and Even love each other in secret. It is almost thrilling at first, but when hiding and lying to their friends begin to take a toll on Even, Isak decides to end it all. He thinks he has taken the right decision, until Even eventually moves on with someone else. 

Calleth You, Cometh I by Kollakolan (8.4k words) - “Isak!” Mikaels pipes up. “Didn´t you two have a thing?” he turns to Even. A thing, Even thinks to himself. Yes, Isak and him definitely had a thing. They actually had a low-key thing going for years, but it never really turned into something more. The timing was never right.  

We Keep This Love in a Photograph by kapplebougher (8.7k words) - It's been four weeks since Isak and Even made the decision to call it off. Now, Isak's back in their apartment of seven years and he's supposed to be moving out, but then he stumbles upon some memories that makes doing that a little difficult. 

Our Steady True North by verlore_poplap (orphan_account) (9k words) - Five times Isak and Even were amicable; plus one time they just weren't. Plus an epilogue 

In Vino Veritas by Sabeley (9.9k words) - After seven years apart, Isak wakes up to find Even in his bed and a wedding ring on his finger.

What becomes of the broken hearted by Kikki1 (12k words) - Set many years after Skam ended. Isak is living the life he always dreamed of. He has a good job, amazing friends and a superhot boyfriend. But his heart is forever broken. 

we still fuck by evak1isak (13k words) - Isak and Even had broken up. Period. But they couldn’t keep their hands off each other.  

Heal My Heart for Christmas by iwritetropesnottragedies (recklesslee) (13.5k words) - It’s been ten years since Isak left his small town for the big city of Oslo with his father. He hardly even thought of his time there anymore. Until he received a letter from his mother asking him to come home for Christmas for the first time since he had left. 

in these deep solitudes and awful cells by hippopotamus (14k words) - it ends badly. so badly that they both wish they could forget about it. they meet again a few weeks later, and it’s hard to remember why it had to end. 

If I Should Fall Behind by MinilocIsland (14k words) -  The plan for tonight had been crystal clear. Stay close to his best friend, and steal her away if needed. Hold her hand through the ordeal of meeting Noora again for the first time in years. Then Even shows up – and suddenly, nothing goes the way it was supposed to.

The Good Side by lavenderlady by (15k words) - Isak got the good side of the break up. 

And after that and after that by Teatrolley (18k words) - They’re friends, and roommates, and exes. Then Even becomes single again 

you told me we were forever by Skamtrash (19k words) - they don’t exactly get back together. Isak finds out he's having a baby soon after Even breaks up with him so he makes the decision not to tell him. Except Even finds out on his own 3 years later. 

I'll be right beside you by hannakin (20k words) - ”It’s ironic isn’t it? I broke your heart and now mine is not working,” Isak continued. “Isak…” Even fought against the lump in his throat and the tears that burned behind his eyes. see the sequel below  

Don't Dream It's Over by hannakin (11k words) - WIP last update march 2019. A new chance at life for Isak and a new shot at love for them that Even is not going to waste. Not this time around. 

Let Me In by milk_o_vich (20k words) - Even’s eyes were wide and a little unfocused, flitting over Isak nervously. He was quiet for a long time, rain hitting the pavement outside, and Isak became kind of aware that Even must be freezing in his thin, damp t-shirt. Even pressed his lips together, then said, voice hoarse and quiet, “Can I stay here tonight?” 

Just give me a reason, just a little bit’s enough by Amfelia (21k words) - Even discovers life is not always shiny and bright, sometimes it is just really hard. 

shred by Jules1398 (22k words) - There were two versions of Isak Valtersen. The first Isak was the one that his friends knew. The second Isak, the real Isak, was much more complicated. He was trans, gay, and then there was his five year-old son, Adrian. Keeping the two Isaks separate wasn't that difficult. At least, not until he saw Even again. 

and you fight until the finish line carries you home by strangetowns (23k words) - “Did you love him?” Isak looked down at the glass in his hand, the wine he’d barely had any of. He shrugged, carefully noncommittal, and glanced at Even out of the corner of his eye, raising an eyebrow at his expression. “What, are you jealous?” “Hearing it makes me glad, actually.” “Why?” A beat of silence. Then - “You deserve all the chances at happiness you can get, Isak.”

We're Not Broken Just Bent by TotallyTinkerbell (26k words) - They had made a decision that didn’t fall easy on either of them. A decision that still kept Isak awake at night in his bed that was too big and in his kitchen that was too empty in the mornings. On the couch in front of his tv-cabinet which was void of Even’s film collection, and in his hallway which no longer had a dozen pairs of shoes in it. 

Self Control by nofeartina (28k words) - “I never meant to hurt you, Isak.” Without any pause Isak replies, “Well, you did.” He looks him in the eyes, and continues. “You fucked me up, Even.” 

Reflections by Laika_the_husband (30k words) - He started walking, listening to Even’s footsteps behind him. Fucking Even. Isak knew he didn’t do this on purpose, that it was just an episode, but he had just grown so tired of them. Every time Even relapsed Isak remembered how only a few years ago he had sworn to take care of him forever. How certain he had been, back then, that minute by minute would turn into day by day and week by week and year by year and then into forever. 

Different, but same by Crazyheart (31k words) - Isak and Even had broken up almost a year ago, and Even was devastated. At Easter he tried to get over it and went on a ski holiday with Yousef and Elias. At the cabin he met a guy that looked like Isak, except his dark, buzz cut hair, well trained body and rough, charismatic personality. The fact that he called himself Markus Simensen was even more confusing 

Scene Three, Take Two by folerdetdufoler (31k words) - Isak is 23, a student in the veterinary program at NMBU, and working an internship at a clinic in Kongsvinger. He hasn't seen Even in three years, but randomly bumps into him on the street when he's visiting his mom in Oslo. 

No day without it by skambition (32k words) - And his lips. Those goddamn lips. They brought back memories that Even had tried to forget about for like 10 years now, memories of laughing, smiling, kissing. 

and the whole world is empty by dreamer_of_dreams (45k words) - The conversations were always stilted and quiet and benignly untrue. The phone calls eventually petered out. So, Even did what he thought was right for Isak. On an ordinary Thursday, eating dinner next to each other on the couch, Even looked up from his bowl of noodles, glanced at the clock ticking 9.21 pm and said, “I think we should break up.” 

Every Minute Gets Easier by CrochetingWords (50k words) - His life had turned out beyond his wildest dreams. It was amazing, and when it got bad from time to time, that was still fine, it was still worth it, because the bad times were just a glimpse in their epic story and the good times were just so good, so pure, so abundant, that he knew they would make it through every struggle. Together. Which is why Isak never imagined his current situation: Filing an application for separation. 

Carry on by hannakin (52k words) - For a moment Even just looked at him. Beautiful, amazing Even who was the best thing that had ever happened to Isak. There were tears in his eyes too. When he shook his head sadly, one tear made its way down his cheek. “I think I want to break up” He finally whispered. 

God Only Knows (What I'd Do Without You) by sundaymournin (52k words) - the break up that would never really happen, but imagine if it did. If Even moved to Trondheim for Uni and returned a little over two years later. Imagine what Isak would do, who he would be, and what could've happened but definitely never would've. 

Love is a battlefield by Minutebyminute (56k words) - Love conquers all. Love defeats all. Sometimes love pulls you apart. Sometimes for a period in time, sometimes forever. And sometimes love is a battlefield.

I Feel It When You Don't Look At Me by photographer_of_thoughts (66k words) - A sequel. “I never wanted to leave without you, Even.” Isak whispered. “I know. But you did. And I let you go.” 

The Boy Who Couldn't Hold His Breath Underwater by patrick_ (camille0078) (102k words) - Now, Even is ready to own up to his mistakes and asks Isak if he wants to get back together again. Isak has no doubt about getting back together, but everyone else believes that he's just asking for more trouble. 

All Stories Are Echoes by sebastianL (felix_atticus) (123k words) - A love story. Because that's the kind of story it has to be. This is an Even who's grown up, who's had hard years since the last time we saw him, and who's trying to get his life back together on his own. This is about potential--realized or not--memory, bravery, movies, accidents, and the nature of stories. (I love this fic so much!)  

WIP - I'm not sure if they all are getting back together

Dysecdysis (a tender history in skin) by unsungyellowraincoat (9k words) - last update Feb 2019. Isak and Even are ex-boyfriends, but S3 never happened, so this is completely au. Terje Valtersen is recovering from a hemorrhagic stroke and that plays a big role in this story. 

We, who quietly bleed by howmanyisaksandevens (31k words) - last update May 2018. They break up, they get back together, they live happily ever after or so I choose to believe. 

The One That Got Away by cami_soul (37k words) - last update Sept 2019. In this AU Even never reached out to Isak on December 9. Isak never left the Christmas concert to go find Even. Even rejected all of Isak’s attempts to reach out to him. Isak came to accept Sonja’s statement that Even never really loved him. It is ten years later and Isak has just moved back to Oslo to work at the University of Oslo’s, Department of Medical Genetics. 

I swear that I will wake up next to you by dantetrieswriting (7k words) - last update July 2018. They were on-and-off for three years. Now two years have passed and Isak is 20 and in need of something exciting. An ad ropes him into booking a seat for a month long bus trip to Greece. It's new. It's interesting. It's cheap. Could it get any better? Yes it could. The ad didn't include the slight 6 foot blonde inconvenience going by the name of Even Bech Næsheim. And the fact that the inconvenience would be no more than five centimeters away from him at all times. Thirty days and 6 feet of sex on legs. 

There's nowhere i'd rather be by JustALittleBitOfYou (4k words) - last update March 2019. It's been a year since Even Bech Næsheim and Isak Valtersen broke-up. Well, technically, it's been a year since Isak sent Even away without a real reason. As they both try to rebuild their life, the Bech Næsheim siblings decide to host a one-week party in Mia's and Even's new couple's honor. Isak attends the party, without knowing the identity of the hosts. 

isak in the bathroom by sundaymournin (14k words) - 4/5 chapters posted. break-up fic where isak hides in the bathroom quite a bit, even is dating mikael, and everything is a bit off-center.

The Good Side by sundaymournin (12k words) - last update July 2018. The only thing Isak had in life was Even and the promise they’d made to each other when they were ten and twelve. Isak and Even used to date, broke up, but are still roommates. 

[honkhonkrichard]

Reddie for nine?

9. meeting online auokay sO I changed it a little??? they meet through instagram n theyre both a little ig famous,,, but it still works. Also stan and Richie have patented Best Friend conversations that don’t make sense bc i need more of that in my life. 

Richie eyed the DM with suspicion. Fans DM him all the time with messages ranging anywhere from professing their undying love for him to declaring how they’re going to find where he lives and kill him. 

This wasn’t a fan. This was a very pretty, very cute boy.

Richie was a bit of an Instagram hot shot. So what? He had crazy fans and a small, growing YouTube channel where he posted comedy skits, adventures with his roommate Stan, and satire how to’s. 

So why was EddieBabyK, super-adorable-super-sexy-pretty-soft-boy messaging Richie? 

“Dude just open it.” Stan muttered from his right. “Username says verified anyway.”

“Can-…Can you look him up on yours?” Richie asked, finally tearing his eyes away from his screen.

“Why are you so cracked about this?” Stan frowned. 

“I’m not cracked.” Lie. Richie was so cracked about this. 

“Motherpunk, you’ve been staring- fine. Fine, I’ll look.” Stan growled, starting to type furiously at his phone. 

“Mother fuck?” Richie said playfully.

“And her fucklings.” Stan agreed, then paused, squinting at his screen. he needed glasses. “He’s a model or something.” 

“Come back?”  Richie blinked.

“Like a makeup model- one of those stereotypical gay boys with the velvet shorts and sharp liner.”

Stan frowned at his phone, and then his sharp eyes looked over at Richie. 

“What does the message even say?”

Richie tried not to blush as he looked down to his phone.

EddieBabyK: Hey! I was scrolling thru your page and I wanted to get to know you. I know you’re LA based and I was wondering if you wanted to meet up for a photoshoot while I’m out there this weekend? Most of my shoots with other people are a little scandalous,,,, but I think you’d be perfect for it ;). If you interested, tell me and we’ll arrange a meeting! Thanks!

Richie pursed his lips. “He wants to meet up.”

“And? You should. He’s kinda cute.” Stan admitted. 

Richie gulped a little thinking about it. He was cute. Really cute. Richie had found himself on Eddie’s page before. He had soft, curly hair and intelligent grey eyes. He had a bit of baby faced twink look, but he had toned and muscular arms and legs (he had legs for days, jesus fuck it made Richie’s mouth water hehatedhimselfforitbuthot damn). He was a damn dime. A whole angel and a beauty. 

“I’m gonna.” 

TrashmouthRecords: Hey. I’m in! theres this coffeeshop we could meet at whenever youre here and available. 

The repsonse was almost immediate. 

EddieBabyK: Sure! I’m in LA this weekend, I’ll text you when my plane lands!

“He’s in!” Eddie yelped suddenly, sitting up in his bed and startling Bev in their quiet New York apartment.

“Hell yeah!” Beverly said, even though she clearly had no idea what Eddie was excited for. 

“The cute guy! He wants to meet up!!” Eddie explained excitedly. 

Beverly’s lips curled into a smug grin. “I told you to shoot your shot and look what happened. Boom.” 

Eddie shoved her playfully. “Hush.” he muttered. He knew he was blushing but he didn’t care. Records seemed so fun. He was also sexy as all hell - in a weird, cartoon, sexy rat sort of way. Crooked nose, all freckly and pierced, lots of muscle shirts and big black curls. He had long nimble fingers and these smart, sharp eyes. Eddie couldn’t get enough of him.

“So, does he seem interested? Thrilled maybe?” Bev shook her shoulders a bit in suggestion. 

Eddie frowned a little at the messages. “I don’t know. He seems pretty indifferent to it.” 

Beverly made an urgent yet comical face. “Well, keep talking to him. Flirt a little!”

“What? No. I don’t even know if he’s interested in me.” 

Bev reached over the bed and snatched the phone from him with a triumphant “Well then I will!”

EddieBabyK: Hey Handsome, you know of any good hotels for a baby boy on a budget?

“Nooooooooooo!” Eddie cried, trying to get his phone back as Beverly read out the text. “You’re the worst!! The worst!!’

“He’s typing! He’s typing!” Bev squealed, and the two of them stopped restling to huddle together to read the message as it popped up. 

TrashmouthRecords: You could stay with me lol 

Eddie let out a scream.

-

“He’s not responding! Miscalc! Miscalc! ‘BORT ‘BORT ‘BORT” Stan yelled at Richie, who was typing out a dodging addition to his prior comment. 

“You jerk! Why the fuck would you make me say that!” Richie said.

“I don’t know!” Stan wagged his hands like he did when he was really nervous. “I thought it was funny!”

TrashmouthRecords: the rainbow inn also works its near long beach and its like 75 a night lol

Richie and Stan collasped into the couch in defeat.

“I’m gonna eat you.” Richie groaned.

“My heart hurts.” 

“That’s fear, Stanley.”

Richie felt a buzz in his fingers and glanced down, His eyes widened and he held up his phone like it was a gift from the heavens. Under his breath he chanted oh my go oh my god oh my god

EddieBabyK; I’d prefer to stay at your place ;P

[lids-flutter-open]

Where did you meet your boyfriends? I've never really been in a meaningful relationship and I don't even know where to start. I'm trans and I feel totally alienated by pretty much every single dating app. I guess the first step is becoming more involved in a community I want to be a part of, and meeting people there?

Met my boyfriends/lovers as follows, in no particular order

1) introduced to him by my ex, who in turn is a friend I met thru tumblr ; was friends with him for a year ; during that time he talked abt his anxiety about gay hookup apps and men but wanting sex and i was like “hey if you ever want a friendly hookup I’m down” and he was like “hm let me think about it” and didn’t bring it up again and then six months later he was like “remember when you said that thing about hooking up well I have a crush on you” and then we made out and about two or three months later I think we talked abt the word boyfriend

2) met via tumblr when he anon messaged me and then followed up by email and then started telling me about his public health advocacy and three months later he visited me and I slept on the couch and he had my room and we talked about public health until midnight and the next night he tried on all my clothes while I did homework and the next night we watched my beautiful laundrette and I hit on him and he was really flustered but then we hooked up and then we started saying boyfriend after his second visit

3) met on scruff a year ago — I went over to his house and he smoked me out, fucked me really well , and then gave me a snack and played really good music and I was like man I wanna do this again and then three months later he was making me mushroom risotto after my 9:30 pm class and I was like fuck I love this man

4) he is the long term boyfriend of my friend who I met thru tumblr when I was fifteen; they both hit on me spontaneously at a sex party last summer and we then all hooked up all summer both separately and together and the sex with both my friend and his boyfriend was amazing and then me and his bf kept seeing each other casually and then eventually it stopped being as casual ; he is still primary partners w my friend . this is the situation that makes me feel most like I am a character in a midcentury novel

Basically a lot of random good fortune re men has come my way this year but yeah I would suggest building community where you are and also seeking connection with people even if they are far away and also experimenting with apps because you can’t get less nervous about it without trying it out tbh ! I have had good and also very bad experiences with apps and don’t currently use them but also a good app hookup can really make ur week or month imo .

If you aren’t in a cosmopolitan area it may be harder to use the apps but take a chance —if my friend nogga is to be believed w this crazy story, he was sailing in Croatia four years ago and invited the one Grindr boy in Croatia with a face pic to his boat and this beautiful boy shows up and they drink wine and nogga talks abt how homophobic Croatia seems and the guy is like yea and Nogga’s like are there any trans people and the boy is like there’s one trans woman in this town but nobody else and nogga was like “no trans men?” and the boy then was like no but it’s my dream to meet a trans man someday and nogga who had not disclosed till this point then disclosed he was ftm and then they had sex on a beach under the shadow of a 5000 year old fort

[leoninapelliolovesconchitawurst]

ENGLISH TRANSLATION ( Jeannette Nobbe)

VOLSKRANT.NL 31/01/20

by Mennon Pot

https://www.volkskrant.nl/cultuur-media/conchita-wurst-sorry-dat-ik-zo-n-wandelend-cliche-ben~b0477817/

(Conchita) Wurst: 'I'm sorry I'm a walking cliché'.

Above all we know Conchita Wurst as the bearded 'female 'singer who won the ESC in 2014. But we've moved on and are a bit wiser. It´s just Wurst now, but the beard is still there.

With light feathered steps, Thomas Neuwirth (31) enters the conference room of the hotel in Groningen where he is staying: black combat boots, black leather pants, tight black T-shirt, the black beard and the perfect short trimmed jet black hair..

He introduces himself as Tom. It's not difficult to recognise the bearded drag queen Conchita in him. (Kopenhagen, 2014, remember?) but the dress and wig are stowed away for a while. Conchita has a sort of sabbatical, so to speak.

Neuwirth is on tour as a man. Stage name: Wurst. Yesterday evening he performed in Groningen; the next concert will be 7 february at the Melkweg in Amsterdam. His new album 'Truth over Magnitude' also carries the artist´s name Wurst.

Let's get this straight: when the subject is Conchita Wurst, the word 'transgender' sometimes comes a long. Wrongly. Neuwirth is a man, ('but incredibly gay, of course'), who has a choice from now on: being on tour as a drag queen (Conchita) or as a man (Wurst) .

´a lot of fun, being a masculine stage persona', he says. Conchita will turn up again somewhere else.

Holland appreciated Conchita's 'Rise like a Phoenix' with the highest score, almost 6 years ago.

Neuwirth didn't forget: twelve points, douze points from Holland for the bearded diva from Austria.

Then hectic years followed. 'After the Song Contest I thought, I have to make the most of it now, build my fame and cash it in. So I surrounded myself with all kinds of experts, managers, stylists, make/up artists, the whole circus. After 3 years I was exhausted. I couldn´t do it anymore. I told my audience every nigh, be yourself, believe in yourself. But along the way, I forgot myself.´

He got rid of the experts’ circus and is having a relaxed tour now, with a small entourage. He feels good again, although in 2018 he had to announce he is infected with the HIV virus. His manager politely asks, almost in an humble manner, not to talk about that.

Tom doesn´t appear to be very worried about that. There has seldom been a star who starts an interview so cheerfully. ´A great photo shoot and after that talk about things I find beautiful and fun.

Terrific, I was already looking forward to it when I came out of bed.´

´Curriculum Vitae'

1988 – Born as Thomas Neuwirth in Gmunden, Austria

2007 – Candidate at the talentshow Starmania, and boyband Jetzt anders!

2011 – Debut as female persona Conchita Wurst, the debut single `I´ll be there´

2012 - Second place at the Austrian Songfestival

2014 – ESC winner with ´Rise like a Phoenix

2015 – First album ´Conchita´, co-presenter ESC

2018 – Second album ´From Vienna with Love´

2019 – Debut as male stage persona ´Wurst´, third album ´Truth over Magnitude´

2020 – Wurst ´Trust over Magnitude´ Sony Music

Wurst will be performing in the Melkweg in Amsterdam on February 7

SOUNDTRACK

Music from the Motion Picture Titanic ...1997

´My first CD. I was 9 years old when I bought it. `My heart will go on´’changed my life´. As it were, Céline Dion gave me permission to be utterly dramatic and to be over the top. When I came out of the closet, I heard that song in my head.

It was also a liberation for me as a singer. My mom always sang with a thin, high falsetto voice. I thought that was how it should be. Dion taught me, you may yell as hard as you can, with all the power you have in you. When you sing so loud, you can’t fake it. The sound you push out of your body, is the sound of your body, unique and by definition authentic. Céline Dion taught me that singing is something really physical.´

SERIES

The Crown ..Netflix..., 2016 until 2019

´For me it´s getting difficult to watch a movie to the end. I guess that´s because of all the series on Netflix and HBO. My favorite is `The Crown´.. ´the intro alone is so beautiful, that liquid gold that forms a crown, such art. I used to watch it twice. Ít says something about the fact that I can´t choose between the two women who play Elizabeth and the two men who play prince Philip. All the actors are great. The costumes, the stories, the palaces, it´s so delightful. The history also intrigues me, after every episode I checked on Wikipedia if it was really what had happened.

PARTIES

´At Christmas I always come back to Vienna. I love the lights, glitters and decorations, my inner Mariah Carey is looking forward to it every year. Christmas 2019 was extra special because it had been a long time since the whole family came together at my grandmother´s house.´

I would love it to be like that every year... A couple of days being together in one home. Talking, getting to really know my family. Maybe now you think, days on and on with uncles and aunts, such horror! It is easy to say that I don´t really have much in common with these people. But I do, Really. They all have a story and similarities with your stories. Ask them about your life and tell them about yours.´

That´s what Christmas is all about to me. To me, the birth of Jesus has not that much to do with it.´

ISLAND..

I have an agreement with my best friends to go on vacation at least once every two years. We have been to Mykonos a couple of times, THE especially gay island. I´m sorry I sound like a walking cliché.´

The sun, the sea, the beaches, the small streets, so cosy. We rent a house with a pool and for a week or two we live in our own little paradise, actually being a bit tipsy the whole time. Go shopping and cook.´

`What´s also very important, on Mykomos, the wind is always blowing the right way. I love to watch the women, because their dresses and their hair flutter so beautifully.´

STYLE ICON

Victoria Beckham

I was and still am a big Spice Girls fan and I especially admire Victoria Beckham, because she lives her life the way she wants. She appears in tabloids every day, but has survived a crisis in her relationship and has stayed happy with the love of her life and her family. I think that it´s really strong.´

In regard to her style, she can go from very classy to very trashy, I like that. One day she´s wearing a designer dress, the next she and David Beckham are walking in identical jogging suits. She couldn’t care less. I think that it´s inspiring.´

´I think she is utterly authentic, raging through the glamour. Although I have never met her, I´m sure that I could have a lot of fun with her. I´d love to drink some tequila with her for an afternoon or so.´

AGE

30

´I thought becoming 30 was really special, I lost my wild behaviour, came to be more restful. Some way or another I think a lot about some things my mother said: in my twenties, I ignored those lessons, but now I´m 30, I suddenly realised she was right for example how important family and friends are.

I´m 31 now, I have inner peace and my life in order, but I still feel young. I´m convinced that this the best period of my life´. My advise to everybody... be 30.´

ALBUM

Recomposed by Max Richter / The Four Seasons ..2012

I don´t play any instruments and until not too long ago, I didn´t really know much about music. I really found that a pity sometimes. Fortunately, my good friend Martin studies at the School of Musical Arts... !! He´s studying the history of music intensely and tells me about a lot of great composers. I learn a lot from that.´´I never understood classical music and didn´t really know anything about it, but thanks to the listening sessions with Martin I fell in love with Vivaldi..

The pop artist of the classical artists.

´Max Richter interpreted Vivaldi´s Four Seasons and composed it in a modern fashion. It´s a modern, post minimalistic piece, completely different from the original one, but you still recognise it. Greatly done, at the moment it´s my favorite album.´

BOOK

Friedrich Schiller « Ueber die aesthetische Erziehung des Menschen ». About the aesthetic upbringing of the people..´

´A good friend advised me to read the philosophical letters from Friedrich Schiller ..Letters, 1794-1795)

That´s a hard job to do. Because of the old fashioned German I had to read some sentences 5 times. You always have to wrestle yourself through a thick layer of 18th century sexism.

´But further on you´ll find something beautiful. Schiller writes a lot about finding your inner beauty and your own truth. Dare to be yourself. Embrace your darker sides. Those are important as well.´

´At the same time he preaches self-perspective.. don´t take yourself too seriously, you´re not the center of the universe. That is very worthy to me. Namely because I DO think I´m the center of the universe, haha.

`Still it´s very wise of him, to send a message from 1795 to a 21st century queen with a Mariah Carey complex.´

CLUB

Circus in Vienna

´The Arena is a huge complex in Vienna, a concert building with a mega discotheque. A couple of times a year they organize Circus, my favorite gay club night. I always go there with my group of closest friends, but it´s actually a bit of a rule that we lose each other and disappear into the crowd.´

´I roam around all night- Every room, every floor has its own musical theme and decoration. I love the types of people I meet there, their clothes, their fetishisms, everything.´

….Arena Vienna, Baumgasse 80, Vienna

CITY

Amsterdam

´I live in Vienna, I love Vienna and I will always come back there, but the greatest city I´ve been to is Amsterdam – since then I traveled all over the world so I know what I´m talking about.

´Of all the cities I visited, Amsterdam is the only one where I would want to live a period of time. So that´s what I´m gonna do, this summer, for a few months to begin with.´

´I can see that Amsterdam also has the flagship stores from all known store chains. And a lot of tourists, like every special city. But I see all these small jewelry shops where they sell their self-made jewelry. Little bakeries. Cosy streets. And a lot of water. I love water. I love cities with lots of water.´

[abthepoet]

All my friends are dead.

Something strange is trending in my life.

All my friends die.

At the beginning of my sophmore year in college, my roommate from freshman year died tragically in a single vehicle car crash. Her name was Allison Lynam. We called her Blake. She was sassy and funny and I wish I would've taken more time to know her.

The rain was torrential the night she died. I swear I've never seen it rain that hard ever again in my life. She drove to the store along Highway 36 in Long Branch,NJ. She had off campus housing that year and had to use the highway often. The road was terribly flooded the night she died. Im told she hydroplaned, spun, and T-boned the driver side smack into an electrical pole. Her family still decorates it.

At that very same moment, in my dorm room nearby, I was watching TV when the lights suddenly flickered and dimmed. A brown out.

I had no idea but that was my friend crashing into a pole and dying. She was 19 years old.

I know this because that accident happened near the mall. That accident killed the power to nearby businesses.

I later found out that the road she died on was so badly flooded, the police intended to close it. Why they didnt get to it in time, I'll never know. Maybe that's fate.

Then there was Jessica Blain. Jessica Blain was a firecracker of a human being. She was 100% unmistakable. One of the loudest, funniest, most loyal people and friends I have ever met. She was also an incredibly gifted singer and I was lucky enough to have Chorus with her. We, along with a small group of friends, founded a new greek organization on our campus, Alpha Xi Delta. We were paired up as Twins. (you can't have Bigs & Littles when you're just starting the Family Tree). We named the family we formed Fuck Up Your Shit. Because that's what we'd do for a friend. I miss her laugh most of all. It was loud and unapologetic. She was there for me, supportive, and encouraging without me ever having to ask. The night I officially finished college we all went out to the local gay club, The Colosseum. I got wasted, of course. But Jess was the person who when I shouted 'I have to pee' on the ride home, she stopped and knocked on strangers doors and asked to let me use their bathrooms. Nobody said yes so she held my hand while I peed on a fence instead. I remember the last time we spoke. She was at a concert with a mutual friend. We hadn't spoken much since I graduated, she was still in school.

She died in her dorm room bed on Halloween as a result of asphyxiation during an epileptic seizure. She was 20 years old. The news was broken to me that very same Halloween night as I floated along in NY on a concert cruise. The World/Inferno Friendship Society decided to host Hallowmas, their annual event, on a boat this year. Nothing like being trapped on a musical boat while you grieve. I had messaged her AIM late that night to say hi. She had an away message up. I may have sent a message to a dead person. I miss her friendship more than I realize sometimes.

That brings us to James Padden. James was a warm, snuggly bear of a guy who always tried to do the right thing and let me steal his hoodies. He insantly became my best friend in a Stepbrothers-esque manner. I met James working overnights at Wawa in Leonardo, NJ. I forget how it started now, but we were standing in front of the deli and I think I tossed him a broom or he already had one. . . I cant remember now.. . . but he just took one look at me with that mischievous little twinkle that I quickly returned and we instantly began sword fighting with our brooms. Like two little boys playing pretend and having a ball. He was sweet and silly and kind. I needed a ride, and he loved to drive. Our first winter as friends, we went out doing donuts in the snow. I barely knew him, but I felt safe. We smoked a ton of weed and had so many adventures trying to procure more. One time, we got so high driving to a Dropkick Murphys concert in NY we kept going in circles, missed almost the entire show save for the last 3-5 numbers, and had a blast. I can barely remember the night, but I remember laughing hard in that car. No one could talk to me like James. We were both insecure being chubby kids and adults, but so charismatic and grandiose that I sometimes thought we were the only two who would put up with listening to each others wild ideas and ridiculous banter. We would smoke joints and take adderall and talk about everything and anything. I miss the safety and closeness I felt with him. We were always 100% platonic, but we could nap together, I could walk into his house and jump on him in bed and wake him up. Then we would cook ourselves a breakfast feast and hit the beach. He taught me to always take the back roads. I gave him advice on the ladies. He taught me about fixing cars. I helped shave his back. He called his new pick up truck, a pick'um up truck. We could wax philosophical all damn day and not get sick of each other.

It wasnt just driving he loved, it was going fast. Like so many young white men, he had tendency to be a little reckless. The universe gave him a pass only so many times.

I'll never forget when he got his motorcycle. It was the last time I saw him. It was a bright green crotch rocket. He loved lime green. I was doing yoga in the living room when I heard this obnoxious engine rev down my street. I asked myself, who the hell is making this noise?! And it was James, grinning from ear to ear with a matching helmet on his shiny new toy.

before he left I said, 'you die on that thing, I'll bring you back to life and kill you." I remember giving him this very long and intentional hug and not knowing why I felt compelled to hang on.

When he left and hopped back on the bike, I felt compelled again and took a video of him riding away from my driveway until he was entirely out of sight.

That's my very last memory of him alive. James Padden died on Thanksgiving five days after his 25th birthday. He went out for a joyride on his bike before dinner, opened up to 100mph around a curve where he couldn't see a car pulling out around the bend in time. They called a medevac, but he died on scene. I loved James dearly and I regret drifting apart after we both left Wawa and I started a new relationship. He had stuff too, but in hindsight it never seems important.

Then there's JB. I will always remember JB for his kindness and generosity. The very first time I finally worked up the nerve to go to a poetry slam, I was alone and terrified. I had no idea what to expect. JB was the very first person to turn around, introduce himself, and welcome me. He made me feel like I belonged. Years later, when I won the title of Grand Slam Champion, he immediately offered to help coach me for national competition. Except, I didn't see the messages and left them unanswered, which I deeply regret. When I started hosting my own open mic a few years after that, JB would be one of the only people to consistently come support the show both as an audience member and participant. It was at a pizza joint and he would sometimes buy me food when I had no money. He wrote beautiful poems about his two young daughters and how much they inspired him. JB always tried to make people laugh but you could tell he carried a sadness. I did not get details, but from what I have gathered he made a choice to end his life. I wish I would have gotten closer to him and appreciated him more as a friend and person. I wonder if he felt no one cared about him and I feel like I should've let him know more.

Which brings us to Crys. Crystopher Anthony Diaz was a Scorpio with a big heart and a big personality. I met him on Myspace back in the day and started Web camming. We became friends and eventually fell into this gray area of friends, together, but not. It wasn't long before I was spending days at his place, killing hours at a time downloading music, making Wawa runs, and smoking weed with his roommate at the time, Syd. You know, the whole reason I worked at Wawa was Crys suggesting it. And Wawa is the reason I met James. Crys was unlike anyone I'd ever met. He was poetic and artistic and loved animals, especially pit bulls. He loved to draw and write and had this very out loud style that favored Earth tones. He taught me about fashion and insisted on getting dressed even if it was 1am and we were just going to Wawa because you never know who you might see. We would buy new clothes at Walmart and have photo shoots. That boy drank his weight in coffee daily. If it's one thing I'll always remember him for, it's the dancing. Dancing was a passion of his and always used to talk about wanting to form a dance crew. Eventually, we ended up living together for four years. My first apartment was with him in this piece of shit duplex rented to us by a slumlord in Keansburg,NJ. My relationship with him was always defined by our Aries/Scorpio dynamic and he never let me forget it. His birthday was October 30th, mischief night. One time, after we had moved into a new place, we decided to get revenge on our old downstairs neighbor by taking a finished lobster carcass and throwing it on his lawn. . . . . . . Keansburg had a terrible stray cat problem. 😁

I have so many memories with Crystopher. Unfortunately, towards the end of our relationship things became too tumultuous. We had too much unresolved baggage and trauma to find a healthy place emotionally together. We were so financially strained for a time we hardly ate. And then when he met his new girlfriend Laura, she introduced him to her good friend, Roxy. As in Roxcicet. aka Blues. Neither of us knew what that even was at the time. But he sure learned quick. He started using them pretty frequently as time went on, and things only got more complicated. My mental health took a nose dive. By the time I moved out our relationship was trash. I basically left. At the time, I didnt have a choice. things had gotten so bad between us, the money, the using . . . we didn't act like friends anymore.

I saw him a couple times at his new place but that was years ago. Since then, he went through a lot, including homelessness and more struggles with addiction to opiates. He reached out to me and sent me a message apologizing for everything a couple years back. I never responded. I was afraid I would let him back into my life and let the all the problems back in. I didnt trust where he was at in his life. We lost touch and stopped speaking.

His ex, who used to live with us and became my friend, messaged me and told me he died a few days ago. He was 35. I'm still waiting for information, but it may have been drug related. I'm not even sure where I'm at with how I feel. I know why we stopped talking. It was the right thing to do at the time. But he didnt deserve to die so young, having spent the last god knows how many months homeless. It's fucking with me so hard because we never resolved anything. I loved this person so fucking much and we never made peace. Of everyone I've lost, he was the closest to me. I've had a lot of people die on me but none that I lived with and shared a life with. I have more memories with him than I can handle and while I know we hadn't spoken in years and why, I still wish I would've said something. Done something. Yes, i needed healthy boundaries but he needed somebody. when is being firm too firm? If we would've helped, could it have been different? But we didn't want to help at the time, you try to be tough and draw a line. Be firm. Not let yourself be taken advantage of. But is that a defense? Did that defensiveness leave a human being who's head i used to scratch until he fell asleep out in the cold to get sicker and die?

What am I supposed to learn from all this Universe? Why do you take my friends so young and so tragically? I'm only 35, I'm too young to have this much loss.

Because these are just the major players I've lost. It doesnt include my cousin Jared, who died being reckless on a motorcycle at 21 two years ago. I was 15 when he was born. I loved that baby, he used to bite my nose. But his family lived far, so I rarely saw him growing up. Last time I saw him was at my grandfather's funeral. He didn't remember me and the nose biting.

And then there's Marcos who we used to chill with. He worked delivery for our favorite chinese food place. He was a nice kid who lived with his grandparents. We would get food, smoke weed, hang out a little. Even used to buy it off him for a while. Eventually he got into the opiates too, he even wound up being good friends with Crys and being Blue buddies. But eventually Marcos died from an opiate overdose. He was in his mid twenties.

I didnt want to include Ricky because he was more of an acquaintance for me, he was more my partners childhood friend. But god damn, in the time I knew Ricky that kid was a riot. He was loud and funny and definitely marched to the beat of his own drum. Drugs took him too.

Thanks for reading all this if you've made it this far. It's taken me about two hours to type this out on my phone. but i needed to. Thanks for coming to my TedTalk

[thecharmingknightemma-moving]

like this post and I’ll pick a sentence from this meme and turn into a short starter (one liner or with a bit of context)

you can specify your muse(s) and everything else if you want (fandom, what is Emma)

some sentences might need to be adjusted to work

I’ll copy them under read more as well in case the post disappears:

‘  i’m a snack but everyone seems to be on a diet.  ’ ‘  i’m gonna replace every bone in my body with a knife, if someone punches me they’re in for a surprise (the knife)  ’ ‘  let me just flirt with you and be a brat and send you cute half nudes.  ’ ‘  blue-flavored candy is always the best flavor of candy like what the fuck. blue raspberries aren’t even a thing. we are literally eating the color blue as a flavor and it’s fucking magical.  ’ ‘  touch id is pissing me off. ‘try again’ the fuck? it’s me with a lil chicken grease.  ’ ‘  call me in the middle of the night and tell me you can’t sleep without me.  ’ ‘  healthy relationships with fathers? sounds fake.  ’ ‘  me to my alarm in the morning: i was literally sleeping but go off i guess.  ’ ‘  do i blame my zodiac sign or my childhood traumas or both  ’ ‘  *eating microwaved ramen noodles and watching kitchen nightmares* i cannot believe this asshole didn’t use fresh chicken in his paella, unbelievable.  ’ ‘  my specialty: the accidental 12 hour nap in broad daylight  ’ ‘  quiet little moans while making out is the hottest thing ever  ’ ‘  date somebody who will go on a road trip with you to see america’s 10 most haunted places  ’ ‘  any vampires who need permission to enter my house…. you have my permission… you wanna come through my window in a flurry of fog and wind?  you can do that… wanna drink my blood and take me away to your big vampire castle? alright friend, go for it  ’ ‘  i’m the guy from the lady and the tramp who gives stray dogs pasta and stands in an alleyway playing an accordion for them  ’ ‘  *nervously calls crush bro*  ’ ‘  i don’t have trust issues. i have ‘seen that shit happen before my own eyes’ issues.  ’ ‘  fuck summer. i want it to be dark and misty and frigid and october.  ’ ‘  concept: we are holding each other in bed, we look at each other and know that all that waiting all that distance was worth it to be close now  ’ ‘  i’m so lucky to have gotten to watch you grow so much this past year. i’m so proud of you.  ’ ‘  i’m so protective of me now, i’ll cut somebody off for simply having the wrong energy  ’ ‘  why are you trying to make me horny. bitch, you know i’m making macaroni.  ’ ‘  date a boy who curls up on your lap, even though he is 6’2" because he loves cuddles  ’ ‘  going out on a date is cool and all; but what about simply sharing a bed with someone, listening to music and discovering everything about one another, together.  ’ ‘  we are drunk and i ended up sitting on the bathroom counter with my legs wrapped around you, but when i wrote ‘marry me’ on your hand with a sharpie, i wasn’t joking.  ’ ‘  you’re equivalent to my favorite color. you’re the human version of what is safe.  ’ ‘  one of the most toxic things i’ve ever done is ignore the bad in someone because i love them.  ’ ‘  you think you want me to shut up? i have to listen to myself even when i’m not talking  ’ ‘  why would i fuck a demon? simple, the status. imagine rolling up into hell already havin had your back blown out by one of their own. imagine you and a gang of other losers standin at the gates of hell, they’re all crying, scared to death about having a pitchfork up their ass for eternity and you just walk into the arms of your sugar demon? legendary.  ’ ‘  i like wearing your clothes. they smell like you and your scent is home to me.  ’ ‘  *therapist voice* you are stupid and gay.  ’ ‘  i like to blame myself for everything just in case.  ’ ‘  the realist thing you can do for me is keep your word.  ’ ‘  love yourself enough to set boundaries. your time and energy are precious.  ’ ‘  i haven’t done anything but i sure could use a break.  ’ ‘  sometimes you just need to hear how much you mean to someone.  ’ ‘  who needs april fools. my entire life is a joke.  ’ ‘  i wish i could be near you, my heart misses you.  ’ ‘  i’m not trying my hardest but i’m very tired which i think should be taken into consideration.  ’ ‘  me @ me: don’t start buddy don’t you dare.  ’ ‘  so what’s next? you heal. you grow. and you help others.  ’ ‘  my kink is not setting an alarm for the next morning.  ’ ‘  if you think i’m cute send me money.  ’ ‘  one day i will take a good selfie and you will be sorry….. you will all be sorry.  ’ ‘  not a day passes where i don’t embarrass myself but it’s ok because i’m on the path to destroy my ego so i won’t be embarrassed anymore.  ’ ‘  there is no reason not to love with you whole heart.  ’ ‘  i hope your heart heals from all the damage it took over the years.  ’ ‘  sometimes you just gotta say fuck it and send that text.  ’ ‘  ‘i can see your nipples through that shirt’ first of all stop being ungrateful.  ’ ‘  so much is going on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it’s too much!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just want to sleep in the forest for 190 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i’m tired leave me alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  ’ ‘  i heard you like bad girls. well i’m bad….. at everything.  ’ ‘  yes, i am fully aware that I’m The Worst™ but i still wanna be like……. loved and stuff.  ’ ‘  i really am, from the bottom of my heart, an actual fucking idiot.  ’ ‘  let me show you just how good i can be.  ’ ‘  i’m just tryna chill on a beach somewhere at 3 am.  ’ ‘  i have a serious weakness for thigh grabbing and hickeys.  ’ ‘  i’m a snail and god is salting me.  ’ ‘  i hate texting people who don’t use a billion emojis and a trillion exclamation points in their messages. just say you hate me and want me to die.  ’ ‘  being called baby?????? holding hands????!? being KISSED?!!!?!???????  ’ ‘  i hope your heart heals from all the damage it took over the years.  ’ ‘  my heart busts a nut every time someone tells me they saw something and they thought of me.  ’ ‘  i have hella heart eyes for you.  ’ ‘  you’re cute. i wanna kiss you for a whole hour.  ’ ‘  it’s pretty iconic to like yourself.  ’ ‘  i am so jealous of animals that get to hibernate, like what the fuck, why can’t i just sleep for four months and then return to real life.  ’ ‘  stop feeling sad and acting weird you bitch (the bitch is me)  ’ ‘  i’m still obsessed with you like it’s day one.  ’ ‘  to quote hamlet act iii scene iii line 92, ‘no’.  ’ ‘  i would have a cuter room if i wasn’t a goblin who threw all her shit on the floor.  ’ ‘  on two hours of sleep i’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.  ’ ‘  let’s go on a date and by date i mean lay in bed and make out for three hours.  ’ ‘  alphabet soup. more like times new ramen am i right.  ’ ‘  tbh it’s okay if no one else thinks i’m funny because i think i’m a riot.  ’ ‘  catching feelings is bullshit. i’m just eating french fries, why i gotta think about kissing you? fuck you.  ’ ‘  smiling is so weird like you stretch your eating hole to show happiness.  ’ ‘  self care is putting absurd amounts of parmesan cheese on your pasta.  ’ ‘  you didn’t go through all of that for nothing.  ’ ‘  get you a girl who loses her shit every time you send a selfie.  ’ ‘  i wish i could be there to take care of you right now.  ’ ‘  home is where the heart is and my heart has always belonged to you.  ’ ‘  i just wanna have soft glowy skin, long eyelashes, pink lips, rosy cheeks, lots of cash, and no responsibilities.  ’ ‘  ok but platonic forehead kisses.  ’ ‘  my heart is guarded but like… very poorly. the kind of guards that would let 3 kids in a trench coat into an r-rated movie.  ’ ‘  what doesn’t kill me doesn’t kill me (unfortunately).  ’ ‘  do you ever look at a boy and wonder if he moans as pretty as he looks.  ’ ‘  life tip: if nothing goes right go to sleep.  ’ ‘  by cute do you mean you wanna frick frack or do you mean i look 12?  ’ ‘  cats are very pickupable and i think that was a really good choice on their part.  ’ ‘  don’t depend on anyone. handle your own shit.  ’ ‘  there isn’t one alternate reality where i didn’t fall in love with you.  ’ ‘  being my ex must be the worst thing. imagine losing me?  ’ ‘  if i say ‘backstreet’s back’ and you do not say ‘ALRIGHT!’ we’re not friends. burn in hell, you sick fuck.  ’ ‘  i love every cat in the entire world. every cat on the planet. if there are any cats in outer space, i love them too.  ’ ‘  my mom is really that bitch and i’m that bitch jr.  ’ ‘  you know you’re fucked when their voice turns you on.  ’ ‘  don’t look at my fucking boner when we fight.  ’ ‘  not all heroes wear capes. a lot of them wear collars and are called dogs.  ’ ‘  it’s you. it will always be you.  ’ ‘  why do tattoos cost so much? i’m paying you to injure me.  ’ ‘  thank you for being the biggest light in my life and saving me from the darkness.  ’

[hannahharrington]

CRYING IN EUROPE (postcards from italy)

I struggled with whether or not to post this; I still am, honestly, because it is very raw in every sense. This is something I wrote a year-minus-two-weeks-ago, holed up in an AirBNB in Rome, about losing my good friend Jaymee and the bizarreness of having the best and worst time of your life simultaneously. I did not look at it ever again until a few days ago. It wasn’t written to share with anyone, only because I needed to put thoughts down at the time. Any editing has been very minimal.

The last section I wrote yesterday.  

CRYING IN EUROPE (postcards from italy)

1. The first time is on the first day. I land at Heathrow only to find out the express train isn’t running because of the snowstorm and the tube is beyond fucked. I nearly cry out of frustration and jet lag exhaustion but I don’t. I end up emerging from Shepherd’s Bush Market half a mile from the hotel and have to drag my suitcase through blustery snow that whips me so hard in the face it makes tears leak out of the corners of my eyes.

2. The second time is the next morning, five minutes after I first find out you’re dead. I guess the first five minutes are a mix of me just having woken up, an hour before my alarm, still on New York time as I scroll idly through my phone messages only to see it blowing up with the news; and maybe shock can be used as an excuse, even though we all knew it was coming.

3. Over the Hilton London Kensington breakfast buffet for Hilton Honors Members. I’m telling Barry how I was supposed to see you before it happened. My voice cracks and eyes overflow with tears, and I’m apologizing and Barry is being so kind about it even though I can tell he’s not really sure what to do or say, which is okay because I don’t know either. It occurs to me later that in all the years we’ve known each other, this is the first time I’ve ever cried in front of him.

You said you were terminal, and released to home hospice care, and I told you I would fly to California if you wanted and read you mean celebrity blog comment sections, like how I did for you when you visited me in Brooklyn (I’ll never forget how we laughed until we cried like middle schoolers at a sleepover). I followed your lead in trying to blunt reality with a joke because that’s what you always did. The last thing you posted on any social media was a repost of our Facebook “Friendaversary”, saying how you were due for another one of my dramatic readings. I was going to buy a plane ticket when I got back from this trip. I was supposed to be there.

4. The first cigarette I smoke.

5. And the second, all while thinking about how terrible a person I am for smoking because you hated it and hated having cancer and hated that I would do something that could make me sick. You wanted me to stop, and if this were a movie I’d quit on the spot. But it isn’t and so instead I stand chain-smoking and hating myself.

6. In the shower.

7. We go see the Hamilton matinee hours after we find out, and it’s the cruelest twist of fate, experiencing this thing you loved so deeply and brought into my life and that we shared together. You’re the reason I saw it with everyone else at the matinee Obama attended. I lost the lottery, the lone one of all of us without a way in, and I was feeling a little sorry for myself and about to leave. I went to say goodbye to you, and immediately you pulled your Jaymee magic and got me a ticket at the literal last minute. And it really did feel like magic.

When you first saw it at the Public, I tried the lottery and lost, and I joked for you to go on without me, to die a million happy deaths. You said if I were being mugged and you were the only one who could save me, you’d still make me wait until after the show. I know if I skipped it you’d literally come back to life and kick my ass. But that doesn’t seem like a bad deal. I’d never see Hamilton again, I’d burn all of my playbills, even the one from the off-Broadway run I got signed by the original cast at the stage door. I’d tear the donut bag in half, the one we joked about being good luck, the one I had Lin-Manuel Miranda autograph. I’d do all of that if it gave me five more minutes with you.

I keep my shit together more or less until the second act. When Hamilton pleads to Washington with Why do we have to say goodbye?, I start crying and don’t stop until curtain call.

8. Right before I left on this trip, I threw together a playlist for my phone. The last song I added was Eva Cassidy’s cover of “Fields of Gold”, thinking it’d be pretty background soundtrack for train rides through lush, rolling Italian countryside. A year ago I went down one of my weird little Internet research rabbit holes and read all about Eva, her melanoma, how she died and her last performance, and wondered why there hadn’t been a movie made about that particular beautiful tragedy. After Hamilton I tell Barry I feel better, like it was an emotional release, but then the next afternoon we go to a pastry café and they play a jazz standard cover of “Fields of Gold” over the speakers and my chest seizes.

9. Friday night we’re supposed to meet up with Jen for dinner before she flies back to Philly. I’m sick to my stomach in the cab ride over to her hotel, and when we get to her room I drop my purse and hug her and don’t let go. That thing happens where I’m trying not to cry and it makes me cry harder and I can feel Jen crying too. We sit and Jen and Danielle talk about their travels and the whole time I feel on the verge of throwing up. Finally I say we need to talk about you, about what we’re going to do. Jen says June told her sometimes in Filipino culture they ask for donations for the family instead of flowers, so she’s not sure what’s preferred. I don’t know why I was expecting Jen to have more information, something to make me feel better, but nothing she tells me does. I take one of the Ativans my mom gave me for the plane ride because I can’t calm down. You said they gave you Ativan at the end. You said it helped. It helps me too.

I excuse myself from their room and get lost in the dimly lit maze of their hotel, until finally I find a side exit to the courtyard, and I light a cigarette and text my mom, who happens to be around. I try calling, but this stupid SIM card I got won’t let me connect to the US, so I wait until I’m back at the hotel and Barry is out at his show. The instructions to dial out don’t tell me the overseas rates, but I call my mom anyway, and spend twenty minutes on the phone with her sobbing like a child.

When we check out of the hotel, I’ll find out the call cost me over a hundred pounds, which probably with the obscene exchange rates approximates to three hundred dollars. I rationalize that’s what I would have paid out of pocket for an emergency therapy session anyway.

10. I find your aunt on Facebook and ask her what the family wants done. An hour later she messages me back to say flowers would be lovely. Your mother is beside herself with grief, she says. You were her best friend, she says.

It feels better to be doing something, to feel productive, so I make it my mission to organize the flowers for your memorial. The whole next day between sightseeing at Kensington Palace I’m looking up florists in San Mateo, figuring out who wants to contribute, making sure everyone is included. Bridget agrees to place the order. It’s midnight my time when I run downstairs for a smoke. Bridget and I are trading texts, trying to figure out what to write on the card. I’m not a writer, she says. You should do it, she says. I start crying because I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this. When I go to head back into the hotel, a British girl with blue hair sees me wiping at my eyes. She calls me love and asks if I’m okay. I’ve been in New York too long; my own public meltdowns don’t even embarrass me anymore. I’ve forgotten that the rest of the world doesn’t politely ignore you when you’re losing your shit on the sidewalk. I know how I must look, crying messily in my pajamas, walking around like an open wound just bleeding over everything.

I try to stop the tears long enough to assure her I’m fine, really, and when I stumble out the words that a friend of mine just passed away, she grabs me in a hug before the words finish getting out. She’s so nice that it makes me cry even more and I let her convince me to take the free cigarette she offers. She tells me she’s here with her gay husband and I joke through tears that I’m here with mine too. We stand and talk about Camden Market and the magic of New York at Christmastime, and when she’s satisfied I’m not a suicide risk she adds me as a friend on Facebook.

11. Things feel different in Venice. I start to feel like maybe I’ve hit the bottom of this, it’s only up from here, and even as I’m thinking it I know it’s delusional. I had the same feeling when my dad died, and I learned then that grief is not linear. There can be moments where it’s all temporarily bearable, only for a fresh wave of pain to knock you flat on your ass a minute later.

But for most of Venice I feel lighter, like the darkest clouds of the storm have passed. We get lost in the labyrinth of alleyways and eventually I duck into a Murano glass shop. Back in January when I went to Fort Myers, I took an Uber from the airport, and for the first time ever I had a woman driver. During the drive to the beach somehow the subject of this trip came up. I mentioned I’d be in Venice, and she told me how her day job was at an art gallery. They made jewelry from Murano glass, a Venetian technique. She made me promise to seek it out when I went.

The shop has all kinds of figurines, and in the back corner I discover these thimble-sized cows. Cows were your thing. Not just thing—borderline obsession. I still don’t know what it is about them you loved so much, but you did. When I was in Amsterdam I passed by an actual Cow Museum, snapped a photo of the storefront and sent it to you. You couldn’t believe I didn’t go inside. Now I’m here in Venice, looking at these little cows and thinking of you, and of course I have to get them. I scoop four of them into my palm and go to the cashier and whatever part of my heart that’s been healing over gets ripped open raw again. My throat burns too much for me to manage anything more than a cursory grazie as I watch him bundle them delicately in bubble wrap. It almost feels selfish to hurt this much, when there are people in this world who loved you longer and harder and better than I did. But I do.

12. In Florence Barry and I split up for the day. He runs off to the Duomo while I visit the Ambrogio market, the one the owner of our B&B tells me is for locals. I pick up random ingredients for my mother, whose burgeoning interest in the culinary arts still baffles me considering I subsisted on almost nothing but microwave dinners as a child, and two sweaters for myself. 

I’m back at our apartment-sized suite, arranging the packaged pasta and sun-dried tomatoes on the wooden table for an Instagram photo when I click some random button that takes me to my inbox.

There’s only one message in there and I realize it’s from you, from over two years ago. I click to see it’s a video taken in Marie’s Crisis. Some pitch perfect soprano sings bars from an unrecognizable show tune at the piano, and then you turn the camera to yourself, bobbing your head along with a coy smile. I can’t believe it. I click out accidentally and have to Google for instructions on how to find it again. The video is only fifteen seconds but I watch it ten times in a row and then put my head down on the table and cry until it hurts.

13. Bucket list items have a greater sense of urgency now than they used to. At the last minute I find a woman who agrees to take me to a horse farm in Tuscany. She meets me at the Piazza Cavalleggeri behind one of Florence’s countless gorgeous ancient basilicas and takes me to meet her business partner so he can drive. He’s an old guy who speaks zero English, and it becomes evident when he climbs into the driver’s seat that he has Tourette’s. Every ten seconds his tic makes him jerk the steering wheel so the whole car swerves. We lurch our way up narrow roads that wind up huge hills, endless greenery on all sides, the woman chattering happily about vineyards and olive trees as I brace myself in the backseat, positive the guy is going to tic us right into oncoming traffic and certain death. It rains on the way there, and the woman worries it’ll be too wet to ride, but sure enough we arrive and the sky clears up just long enough for me and two other American girls to go for an hour-long trek. It’s been ten years since I’ve been on a horse, and I’m nervous about it, but the second I’m in the saddle everything comes back to me. We ride through steep hills, surrounded by the kind of scenery that’s beyond picturesque. It’s so gorgeous it doesn’t look real, like an oil painting. For the first time in days I feel a weightless kind of happiness. I know as it’s happening that this is something I will remember for the rest of my life.

When the woman drops me back off in Florence, I trip over myself thanking her profusely, holding back tears because I don’t want to explain that that was maybe the most beautiful experience of my life and I’m so grateful that for three hours the Jaymee is dead, Jaymee is dead, Jaymee is dead track stopped spinning in my head.

14. Rome is a welcome change of pace. I like big, bustling, metropolitan cities; they make me feel comfortable. Safe. Even just through glimpses out the taxi window I can see Rome is bursting at the seams, vibrant and colorful and a startling clash of ancient and modern. Our driver asks where we’re from and I say New York. He laughs and tells us he doesn’t like America, but he likes New York.

On a tour of the Vatican museums, our guide shares all the juicy stories of how Raphael and Michelangelo loathed each other, and the illicit love between Antinous and Hadrian, and we marvel at the frescos on every wall and the breathtaking scope of the Sistine Chapel and the inside of St. Peter’s basilica.

I was skeptical as I always am of anything to do with organized religion, but you liked the new Pope. You thought he was progressive, refreshing. You’d joke all the time about your “Jesus problems”, how you struggled to reconcile your Catholicism with your personal politics.

Afterward Barry scurries off to scale the bell tower. I ask our guide if there’s anywhere in the basilica to light candles, like how you can do in St. Patrick’s. She tells me it’s not allowed—it’s too much of a hazard, especially after a crazy man declared himself the second coming of Jesus and attacked Michelangelo’s Pietà with a hammer, chipping off fifteen pieces in the mayhem, including Mary’s nose.

Instead of waiting for Barry outside in the square I retreat back into St. Peter’s, to the closed off chapel. The guard asks me if I will be praying. It forces me to confront what I’m really planning to do, and after a heartbeat of hesitation I stutter out a yes, slip through the parted curtains to the pews. I’ve never prayed in my life; I have no idea how to do it. I look to see how others around me kneel and try to imitate the stance, hands folded in front of me, knees against the padded rest. It all feels clumsy and awkward until suddenly it doesn’t. Suddenly I’m just crying. I watch my thick tears plop onto concrete and absently wonder how many people before me have spilled salt on these floors. Probably a lot.

I don’t know how to pray. In my head I’m just screaming please forgive me, and I don’t know if I’m saying it to God or to you. I guess I know now what Catholic guilt feels like.

I should’ve been there. I should’ve brought Schmackary’s cookies and the good luck donut bag and flown out to California and seen you. Why didn’t you tell me how bad it was? Why did you have to make your yes a joke? (A quip about doctor’s orders, it comes as no surprise you embraced the gallows humor.) Why couldn’t you be earnest? Why couldn’t just say I need you right now, I don’t have much time, please be here? Did you even know? Because I swear I didn’t. I thought I could wait. I thought you had more time. None of it fucking matters because I can’t forgive myself, not ever.

…And that’s it. That’s where I stopped writing. I didn’t cry on European soil again after that. Not because the last cry was cathartic or healing; it wasn’t. The healing would come later, long after my plane touched down again in New York. It happened in ways I can’t explain, slowly, until one day the thought of you didn’t automatically bring me to the brink of tears or knock the wind from me like a sucker punch to the gut, where the tenderness of loving memory ran parallel with the heartbreak rather than being subsumed by it. Eventually the day came where I could think of you and how you were and what we shared, not only of the ways I failed you. A year later and I still think of those too, sometimes. And there are still tears, sometimes.

I feel like I always had this idea that you go through The Worst Thing and life just evens out after that. My Worst Thing happened when I was in my teenage years and I was supposed to be in the clear afterwards. But life doesn’t work that way. There’s no plateau, no neat ever after. And every so often we break in ways where yes, you can scrape the pieces together and carry on, but you’re never made whole again. You’re never the person you used to be. You become a new version of yourself, mismatched and full of jagged lines, and you find a way to forge ahead.

In the immediate soul-crushing wake of the 2016 election, someone created a Subway Therapy project in the tunnel of the 14th Avenue station that stretches from Sixth to Seventh. I went to see it then, a modern day marvel: the long tiled wall papered with thousands of bright post-its, each full of encouragement and commiseration from fellow grief-sick New Yorkers. The sight was a life preserver in the sea of misery I’d floated in that entire week. I was not alone in the feeling, however singularly devastating it felt.

Countless others have been here. I am not the only one to have shed my tears on ancient chapel floors, unable to imagine I would ever feel okay again. Experts painstakingly restored the Pietà after the attack, but if you were to find your way behind the bulletproof glass and touch the Virgin Mary’s cheek, you would still feel hairline traces of their work, a difference of texture; if you were to peer close enough, you would see the faint lines on marble that belie its pristine repair. It was broken once. It could not be remade exactly as it was. It’s no less a masterpiece.

That day in the 14th Street station, I peeled off a blank post-it and wrote out an Abraham Lincoln quote I’d read once: Perfect relief is not possible, except with time. You cannot now realize that you will ever feel better… And yet this is a mistake. You are sure to be happy again.

Time buffers out the rough edges. It is the only thing that does.

[jleiighc]

May 27, 2019

Well...

It’s been a long time since I have had a completely new tumblr yet the time came recently to somewhat reset all my social media. Therefore here I am.

The past couple of months have been a whirlwind of various events ranging from high to low and I would like to start journaling if I can and I think this will probably be the only way of me doing it - if I’m completely honest. I’m mainly old school and write in a soft book labelled journal with a navy front cover and gold font but my hand gets tired after a while and I find I can write a lot more on my mobile.

Let’s start by going through the past couple of months. Just for everyone in advance, this will be long but is mainly for me personally compared to you all reading this!

May 2018:- I believe during this month I actually split up with my ex boyfriend, let’s call him Dale. He was lovely at first and we’d been together two years (since I was 16) however the love had fizzled out a couple of months before on my end and the relationship went from one extreme to the other. We argued all the time, I had no social life apart from with his friends, he would tell me how much he wanted to die and refused to get a job. I was paying for everything and unfortunately really struggling. I would be argued with if I didn’t go and see him every night. My parents hated him and had banned him from our house due to a variety of different reasons. He was abusing drugs, he was rude and obnoxious and I felt extremely trapped. The tip of the ice berg was when I was staying at his house for the last time, I’d stayed the night and woke up the next day and he refused to get up, kept shouting at me and so I just packed my stuff and left. I told him via text I couldn’t do it anymore because I was scared of him and never saw him again. He kept asking to see me and was begging me to stay but I just couldn’t pay for everything anymore, couldn’t be shouted at anymore or lose my social life anymore. We ended on OK terms which became worse a couple of months later.

June 2018: My first girls’ holiday with my best friend at the time, let’s call her Callie. We went to Sunny Beach, Bulgaria. I absolutely adore the place and the first couple of days were amazing in the place however that soon fizzled out. My friend had met a boy on holiday who she was obsessing over and wanted to meet every day however I didn’t want to. We argued. In the end I wanted to go home but we continued having a somewhat good time. I’d probably never go away with her again though. During this month I also started on Tinder and went on my first date with a guy called (fake name incoming) Samson. He seemed so sweet and charming at first, always responded in paragraphs and kept the conversation going. We went for a date at one of the local restaurants and spent four hours talking before we actually ordered food (!!!) we then went to a local park, had a walk round and chatted some more before he kissed me. Turns out it was also his birthday and he was going away as he was in the RAF. He surprised me two days after that with a trip to Nottingham however where we acted like a young couple. After a month of speaking I stayed at his for a whole weekend, took him to watch Jurassic World and we took his German Shepard to the beach. I had a great time but apparently it wasn’t the same for him. Things got icy after that.

July 2018: My birthday month! I had the most phenomenal night out with my amazing gay best friend, Dec. We stayed out until 7AM and met some lovely people who were still friends with now. I had an amazing time. I also had my final date with Samson. We went to Wagamama’s for a meal as friends but he kept trying to kiss me and be romantic to which I reacted hostile towards. We parted ways for a couple of months.

August 2018: Enter a new boy (bear in mind there was a couple of one night stands throughout these months I’m just mentioning the important boys) named Nick. He was a barman at one of the clubs I regularly went to and my friend asked him to give me his number. He said yes - obviously, something I later found he did a lot. We texted and met the next day and continued to pursue a romance for a couple of months. I also went on my final family holiday this month and found out when I came back he’d been texting both me and another girl as if we were in a couple. I kicked off and messaged the other girl, he responded by blocking her and sweet talking me to stay. I did.

September 2018: Continued talking to this boy to find out a variety of other bits and pieces including him sleeping with his ex, throwing a drink over him, finding out he was going to another country and meeting his friends. He was actually sleeping with quite a few girls at this point however silly me stuck around.

October 2018: Finally met his close friends, they loved me. He asked me officially to be his girlfriend 6 days before he left the country. I said yes. Naive. 3 days later his ex messaged me to say he’d slept with her when picking up some of his clothes, we split up and I went for a drink with my best friend, Zoe (the girlfriend of one of Nick’s friends) and he happened to be in the same place. His friend, Em, came over to talk to Zoe and we all went outside where she explained that he had slept with a girl on the Monday that I’d met all his friends, he’d slept with his ex the Tuesday, Wednesday we’d had a date night so as far as we’re all aware there was no one, Thursday we’d split and he was meeting a girl at the bar where we all were. She ended up standing him up. I went on for a wild night out. Friday was his final night out with his friends. Zoe had invited me out as well so it was extremely awkward to be there but one of his friends had taken an interest in me - his name Jasper. We got close that night which sparked an argument between me and Nick which ended in us being kicked out. I stayed at Zoe’s house and ended up making out with Jasper and agreeing to a date the following Friday. Saturday I went to go see Nick and he sweet talked me again. I stayed the night. Sunday I met his family and he said he’d never be unfaithful again. Heartbroken I believed him. He then left for the other country. The upcoming weeks were made of constant FaceTiming with Nick and messaging Jasper. We went on our date to an extremely fancy restaurant (Jasper) and he picked me up with flowers - earning my mums heart. We had a great time and then went out afterwards with our friends. They tried to dissuade me from Jasper saying he was using me for sex and whatnot and Nick was getting agitated. Jasper ended up driving me home only for us to end up detouring and going to his where we had a one night stand. Jasper and I agreed to just be friends and continued the way as normal. Nick found out, kicked off and forgave. Halloween came about and Jasper and I rekindled for a second time. This time Nick kicked off extremely badly and I separated myself from him and the group, only keeping Jasper.

November 2018: Jasper and I continued to grow our friendship until we became best friends. We slept together a lot and ended up going to Leeds together where he asked me to be his girlfriend. I agreed and were still together currently.

The next couple of months were amazing. I have had the most amazing time with my partner and he has allowed me to grow as an adult and I have helped him grow too! We’ve definitely indulged in each other a lot. We went to Newcastle in March, Nottingham in February and Dublin is planned for October. I have enjoyed my journey and will continue to enjoy it with him.