#23 was a scary and change filled but wonderful year of my life

[waugh-bao]

[sealegsagain]

Found something I filled out in 2010. I think I'd like to do it again with my answers now. Now:

100 Truths: After you've filled this out, tag 10 people and have them do the same:

1. Last beverage? Hazelnut coffee, cream and sugar

4. Last song you listened to? Angel Olsen - If it's alive, it will (live at Kim's Video and Music NC April 16, 2011)

5. Last time you cried? January or December, I think

SIX HAVE YOU EVER:

1. Dated someone twice? You mean broke up and then came back? Not that I think about it.

2. Been cheated on? Yeah

3. Kissed someone & regretted it? Not usually

4. Lost someone special? Yeah

5. Been depressed? Who hasn't?

6. Been drunk and threw up? a very long time ago. Before 2016, definintely. The last time that I actually felt ill from it was 2016.

LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:

Purple, black, teal, silver, dark blue

THIS PAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

1. Made new friends? Yep, bangface people mostly

3. Laughed until you cried? Unfortunately not

4. Met someone who changed you? Not that I can tell right now. Ask me in a few more years.

5. Found out who your true friends were? Everyone has their place, so I'm not about to put folks in "true" and "false" categories, but it was nice seeing who stepped in to help during some things I went through, yeah.

6. Found out someone was talking about you? Nah

7. Kissed anyone on your friend's list? Yep

8. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life? Most of them

9. How many kids do you want to have? It's kind of out of my hands at this point with age and PCOS, but I don't see kids in my future

10. Do you have any pets? I'd have cats here if it was allowed.

11. Do you want to change your name? I did. I was known as Elizabeth till I graduated high school. Liz since then. Answer to both. Keeps things interesting.

12. What did you do for your last birthday? Dinner and drinks with Bill at Ikebana, Same with my mom at Bramble and Brine in Lewes. Honestly was wonderful

13. What time did you wake up today? 9:10 am, Work has my body on a schedule where this is what feels like sleeping in is

14. What were you doing at midnight last night? Listening to WTJU, organizing files

15. Name something you CANNOT wait for?

Paying off my car. Leaving the continental USA again.

16. Last time you saw your dad? A few weeks ago

17. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? I would have been smarter with my money

18. What are you listening to right now? Nothing atm.

19. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? They're awesome.

23. What's getting on your nerves right now? Sunday Scaries

24. Most visited webpage? Youtube. haha.

This is random how it just starts re-numbering here; but oh well...

1. What's your name? If you don't know by now..

4. Zodiac sign? Sagittarius

5. Male or female or transgendered? Cis female, she/they

6. Elementary? These sound like identity theft questions

7. Middle School? If you don't need to know

8. High school? You already do

10. Hair color? Light brown w/ red and blonde pieces

11. Long or short? Long, wish it were longer

16. Height? 6'

17. Do you have a crush on someone? Nope

18: What do you like about yourself? That'd be an essay that I don't have room for

19. Piercings? Just the ears. I'm boring.

20. Tattoos? None

21. Righty or Lefty? Righty

FIRSTS :

22. I'll choose wisdom teeth removal. They did sew those up.

23. First piercing? Ears.

24. First friends? Don't remember. Elementary School

26. First sport you joined? Tennis. I wasn't great at it

27. First pet? Jasmine the cat

28. First vacation? Disney World, Orlando

29. First concert? BB King with my mom

30. First crush? Memory Hazy.

RIGHT NOW:

49. Eating? Had A bagel and leftover bulgogi for breakfast

50. Drinking? Lacroix fizzy water

52. I'm about to? Bathe, antique store, groceries

53. Listening to? nothing atm

55. Waiting for? Tonight. Oh oh oh... when you will be here in my arms (but nothing really) --------------------------------------------

stopped here, will finish later

YOUR FUTURE :

58. Want kids? Nah

59. Want to get married? If things align that way

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?

68. Lips or eyes? eyes

69. Hugs or kisses? kisses

70. Shorter or taller? close to my height is nice

71. Older or Younger? either

72. Romantic or spontaneous? I think they're the same thing.

73. Nice stomach or nice arms? arms?? muscles don't matter to me.

74. Sensitive or loud?

75. Hook-up or relationship?

HAVE YOU EVER :

78. Kissed a stranger? within talking to them the first time the same day.

80. Lost glasses/contacts? in all senses of the word, including contacts actually ejecting themselves from my eyes!

81. Cried during a movie? Amelie, without fail. several others.

82. Broken someone's heart? been told I have... ask me this when I was Gina's age and I'd say it was impossible for me to.

83. Had your own heart broken? That's like asking me if I'm alive

85. Been arrested? can't say I have been, or want to be.

86. Turned someone down? Yeah. One actually took it well! I don't want to believe in ladder theory.

87. Cried when someone died? of course.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:.

89. Yourself? I want to.

90. Miracles? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBBzrHXu1Fg&feature=related

:D

91. Love at first sight? Never happened to me. Maybe for others. Love requires interaction, not just seeing.

92. Heaven? no. I think I know why people believe in it though (as a concept, not judeo-christian)

93. Santa Claus? I miss people actually SLEEPING on Christmas eve. I believe in the Santa ritual even if gifts are not exchanged in the morning. No gaming all night for one night a year :p

95. Kiss on the first date? depends. *thinks back to how many times it was a mandatory-or-never thing* Let's debate, kids.

96. Angels? They have cool names Ariel, Gardriel, Sharmiel. but no.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

97. Is there one person you want to be with right now?

Definitely. Daily. Wish he knew it. Made a very bad move lately. Feel sick.

98. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? Nevah. I almost combusted from guilt when I went on casual dates with two different guys in the same week once.

2010:

100 Truths: After you've filled this out, tag 10 people and have them do the same.

1. Last beverage? diet coke

4. Last song you listened to? Ayu Trance 3 in the car on the way to the vigil.

if you're listening to music, you're steps ahead of me.

5. Last time you cried? if you can't remember, that's good. me- New years eve.

SIX HAVE YOU EVER:

1. Dated someone twice? what length of time is that

2. Been cheated on? Guy said he broke up with his ex, then slept with her again. found out about it online. :p

3. Kissed someone & regretted it? Only one person is a regret to the point I regret my memories. Their name started with an L

4. Lost someone special? It would have been awesome if they stayed in my life.. I think. not sure. Hurt to lose them though.

5. Been depressed? clinical symptoms, not clinical length

6. Been drunk and threw up? ..... regrettably yes. I don't want to get that drunk ever again. If you do, you'll want to throw up all day the next day. :(

LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:

1. deep blue

2. violet

3. silver

4. marine

THIS PAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

1. Made new friends? o' course

3. Laughed until you cried? Maybe once or twice did my stomach hurt from laughing. No water tho.

4. Met someone who changed you? Change can't be pinned on one person.

5. Found out who your true friends were? There was no weeding out event.

6. Found out someone was talking about you? I wish they were :p~~ I think at this point, I'd see it as amusement.

7. Kissed anyone on your friend's list? If I were kissing someone, it's likely I'd have the courtesy to add them

8. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life? All but a few, and those I've known long enough for it to count.

9. How many kids do you want to have? None of my own, now, thanks. Future: one perhaps?

10. Do you have any pets? LOUD kit-kat

11. Do you want to change your name? I did. I was known as Elizabeth till I graduated high school.

12. What did you do for your last birthday? Went to an art show. My. Just thinking about it cheers me up.

13. What time did you wake up today? 7 yesterday.. I had finally reset myself to diurnal and I messed up last night.

14. What were you doing at midnight last night? waking up from a nap, I think

15. Name something you CANNOT wait for? oooh I love looking forward to things :)

Makes life worth living. Philly next weekend. But seriously, my next pell grant check, then I can do things I need to do.

16. Last time you saw your dad? last Sunday

17. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? the qualit

18. What are you listening to right now? a cover of poker face done by chris daughtry... needless to say, scarred for life.

19. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? cannot say I have.

23. What's getting on your nerves right now? Aw Gina, Lady Gaga shouldn't get on your nerves ;) But right now? Worries, arguments.

24. Most visited webpage? It's all moving towards 2.0 and I can see it. This one! ha.

This is random how it just starts re-numbering here; but oh well... (indeed it is)

1. What's your name? gina grace magnesia cilantro zwicky. ( I like your name.! Mine's Elizabeth Anne Peek. very borin)

4. Zodiac sign? Sag with a vag

5. Male or female or transgendered? I used the answer to #4 to make that clear

6. Elementary? glen ave k-3/north salisbury magnet 4-6

7. Middle School? wicomico middle

8. High school? WIHI

10. Hair color? NOT GINGER (Gina, Gingers are awesome)

11. Long or short? mediano.

16. Height? 5'11 Eh meh. Giant lady. used to it by now. Tall ladies of the world: you can still attract men. Have for ages

17. Do you have a crush on someone? Without emotions. without feelings. life is just a clock.. ticking (but seriously, not at the moment)

18: What do you like about yourself? I look at other people and think I'm not so awful.

19. Piercings? Two standard

20. Tattoos? Blanque

21. Righty or Lefty?

FIRSTS :

22. First surgery? not going to talk about that here

23. First piercing? ears- 7. they made one of the holes too low. :p

24. First friends? What the hell kind of question is this??

26. First sport you joined? tennis? Lots of rollerblading..

27. First pet? Praying mantis in a jar

28. First vacation? fraaaance!

29. First concert? BB King with my mom

30. First crush? Christopher Henry in 1st grade. The fact that I remember his name is frightening

RIGHT NOW:

49. Eating? pickle chips (lol what else is new)

50. Drinking? nada.

52. I'm about to? Stay awake all day, go to craft store, finish organizing music @_@

53. Listening to? not my brother's hardstyle anymore, WHY WONT HE LISTEN TO ANYTHING ELSE?

55. Waiting for? the next step

YOUR FUTURE :

58. Want kids? uh, most likely NOT.

59. Want to get married? YES

60. Careers in mind? nature tv show host! (i'm thinking, like, the female version of bear grylls) XD

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?

68. Lips or eyes? eyes

69. Hugs or kisses? kisses

70. Shorter or taller? either

71. Older or Younger?

72. Romantic or spontaneous? I think they're the same thing.

73. Nice stomach or nice arms? arms?? muscles don't matter to me.

74. Sensitive or loud? WHO SAID SENSITIVE WAS THE OPPOSITE OF LOUD

75. Hook-up or relationship? I think I'm done with hook-ups

HAVE YOU EVER :

78. Kissed a stranger? within talking to them the first time the same day.

80. Lost glasses/contacts? in all senses of the word, including contacts actually ejecting themselves from my eyes!

81. Cried during a movie? Amelie, without fail. several others.

82. Broken someone's heart? been told I have... ask me this when I was Gina's age and I'd say it was impossible for me to.

83. Had your own heart broken? That's like asking me if I'm alive

85. Been arrested? can't say I have been, or want to be.

86. Turned someone down? Yeah. One actually took it well! I don't want to believe in ladder theory.

87. Cried when someone died? of course.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:.

89. Yourself? I want to.

90. Miracles? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBBzrHXu1Fg&feature=related

:D

91. Love at first sight? Never happened to me. Maybe for others. Love requires interaction, not just seeing.

92. Heaven? no. I think I know why people believe in it though (as a concept, not judeo-christian)

93. Santa Claus? I miss people actually SLEEPING on Christmas eve. I believe in the Santa ritual even if gifts are not exchanged in the morning. No gaming all night for one night a year :p

95. Kiss on the first date? depends. *thinks back to how many times it was a mandatory-or-never thing* Let's debate, kids.

96. Angels? They have cool names Ariel, Gardriel, Sharmiel. but no.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

97. Is there one person you want to be with right now?

Definitely. Daily. Wish he knew it. Made a very bad move lately. Feel sick.

98. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? Nevah. I almost combusted from guilt when I went on casual dates with two different guys in the same week once.

[futurebicon]

Carolina

Marine Biologist AU that no one asked for but I wrote because I miss my second home. Probably two parts.

Very brief mention of a family members death

"Hi welcome to-" Leo stopped his normal speech when he was met with the two most gorgeous men he had ever laid eyes on. "Welcome to the Fort Fisher aquarium. I'm your tour guide Leo and this is Regulus." He somehow managed to snap out of his shock even though the greeting was all muscle memory.

“Two guides. Must be special." The red haired one laughed a laugh that made doves fly. "I'm Finn." He shook their hands.

"That and both of us wanted a break from sticky children trying to swim with the sharks and gators." Reg smiled.

"Sharks? Like ocean sharks? And ocean alligators?" The shorter one asked in shock and a lot more than a sprinkle of fear.

'Fuck he's adorable' Leo swore internally. "Alligators are typically fresh water reptiles but if you are asking if they are real sharks and alligators, than no. They're they’re hyperealalistic mechanical sculptures." He kept a straight face.

"Cute and funny." Finn flashed him a smile after another angelic laugh.

Leo had to remind himself to not die right then and there.

“Don't worry, Logan" Finn told the other one. "I'll protect you from the scary teeth, baby."

Now Leo was sad.

“Oh yeah, right after you stop ogling over our hot tour guide."

Now Leo was slightly less sad and confused.

“Actually." Regulus pulled out his phone. "Our manager just texted and said he needs someone in the gift shop. Have fun." He left with a pat on Leos back.

Leo glared as he walked away, they didn't get texts from anyone for any assignment. Hence the walkie talkies on their belt loops.

“So, follow me and we can start the tour." +++

“This is our 235,000 gallon tank." Leo stood over top of the two story tall tank. In here we have our eagle rays, round stingrays, whiptail stingrays, hammerhead sharks, sandbar sharks, sand tiger sharks, hammerhead sharks. We also have two moray eels and an abundance of fish including shanks and groupers. And a personal favorite, Sheldon the green sea turtle.” Leo stood on the rusted grate with ease as if he didn’t care about the hammerhead only a few feet away from his toes.

“Um, this is great and all but can we not stand on the edge without a railing?” Logan stayed as far away as he could an the 2 feet wide walkway.

“You’re completely safe don’t worry.” Leo flashed a reassuring smile.

“Okay yeah but-”

“Stop being a baby, Lo.” Finn poked his side.

“I’m sorry I’m scared of falling into a 23 foot deep death cylinder filled with sharks.” Logan defended himself.

“Alright we can go officially start the tour.” Leo laughed. “But we do have to walk across the tank.”

“We what?” Logan asked.

“It’s okay. Just don’t look down.” He decided to risk a wink.

“Listen to the hot guide, babe.” Finn kissed Logan’s cheek. “I’ll hold your hand.”

“I love you, Harzy. But I do not trust you enough to not try and scare me.”

“I promi- no I don’t. Fine.” Finn whined when his plans were spoiled.

“Alright, let’s go.” Leo laughed.

They got across the walkway with only a few exaggerated wobbles to scare Logan. And a very grumpy Logan when Leo told him there was another way around the tank.

+++

“So here we have our bald eagle Maverick.” Leo walked up to the opened enclosure. “He’s five years old and has been here since he was two. He was found on the side of the road nearly starved after being hit by a car. If you look at his left wing you can see it juts out a little. That is due to the bones fusing together incorrectly and it makes him unable to ever fly again.” He recited the well known script.

“Poor baby” Finn stuck his bottom lip out.

Leo blinked away the urge to kiss the sad look off his face.

“If we walk up here you can see the aquariums prized possession.” Leo smiled. “Luna the albino Alligator.”

“Oh my god.” Finn hurried over to the glass.

“She looks like you, lover. Pale as fuck.” Logan teased.

“Luna is one of just 100 recorded albino alligators world wide.”

“World wide?” Logan asked in shock.

“Yeah. It’s an extremely rare genetic mutation and due to the inability to hide from predators they’re numbers are next to zero. Very soon they’ll be no more albino gators.”

“What happened to that alligators toes?” Logan pointed at the dark green alligator.

“That’s Gantur. He still hasn’t learn that Luna’s the leader.”

“She bit them off?” Logan’s eyes went wide.

“Don’t underestimate her. Ready to continue?”

+++

“This is my favorite exhibit.” Leo’s face lit up as they walked up to the touch pool.

“Touch anything as long as you use two fingers and don’t pick anything up.”

“Are those stingrays?” Finn pointed towards the end of the touch pool.

“Yeah. They’re still babies and their stingers have been trimmed. Their barbs are like thumbnails and can be clipped monthly without any harm.”

“What are those?”

Leo’s face lit up impossibly more.

“These are horseshoe crabs.” He held onto one of the dark greenish brown banjo shaped creature.

“They are also called living fossils due to the fact that they haven’t evolved at all since the dinosaurs, around 450 million years. It’s mostly due to the fact that they didn’t need anything added or taken away for survival. They were made perfectly. Now their tails.” He pointed to the long stick like end as it moved around with the help of what looked like scaley gills. “Most people look at it and think it will hurt. But it won’t hurt at all. They are extremely, extremely clumsy and use the long tail to flip themselves back over.”

“Sounds like you.” Finn kissed Logan.

“Rude.” Logan scoffed.

“Horseshoe crabs aren’t actually crabs at all. They’re actually more closely related to scorpions and spiders. Watch.” Leo smirked and flipped it over.

There were five pairs of claws moving around as the gills moved up and down like abs, causing the tail to move with it.

“Here-” Leo grabbed Logan’s hand, he tried hard to ignore the way his skin burned. “Touch it.”

“Oh no I’m okay to just look.”

“Come on, just touch it.” Leo begged. “Please just touch it.” He pouted.

“Oh my fuck you’re adorable.” Logan voiced Leo’s exact same thoughts from before.

“Here” he blushed and bit his lib to contain the smile. “Touch it.” He guided Logan’s hand down to the center of the legs, desperately trying to not think about how close they were. Logan’s t-shirt touching his blue polo shirt with his name stitched in the side. The way he could feel Logan’s breathing against his side, the way his leg was pressed between Logans le- stop it.

“Eww that feels weird” Logan’s laughed raised goosebumps on his arm.

“You’re touch his mouth.”

“Ew ew ew ew” Logan pulled his hand away quickly as Finn cackled.

“You asshole” Logan laughed as he pushed Leo lightly.

“Sorry, but it’s funny.” Leo laughed.

“You are now my second favorite person on earth.” Finn put a hand on Leo’s shoulder. “Oh my god I’m crying.” He wiped his eyes.

“Wouldn’t mind if he stayed our favorite.” Logan smiled.

Leo blushed and moved onto the regular view of the huge tank.

+++

“So how’d you get a job here?” Logan asked Leo as they walked around.

“I’ve lived on the island my whole life and started volunteering here when I was 13.” He explained. “I’m going to UNCW for marine biology. Are you two just here for vacation? Even though it’s April.”

“No. We’re actually moving down here. My grandparents owned the arcade on the boardwalk and left it to me once they passed.” Finn told him.

“Oh. I’m sorry about their passing.”

“It’s okay. Didn’t really know them at all.”

“Well I’ll hopefully see you around.”

“Maybe you don’t have to hope.”

Leo tilted his head in confusion.

“We were just wondering if you would want to show us around the island.” Logan told him. “We’ve only been here for a few days and this is the first place we’ve been to. Not even the beach.”

“Oh that’s nearly a sin.” Leo teased. “I’d love to show you guys around. I get off in an hour.”

“Perfect.” Finn said happily. “Do you want to drive over to our house and then switch cars or do you need to change?”

“That’ll work. There’s a locker room and since there’s next to no one here considering the time of year Evan will probably let me leave early.” Leo couldn’t hide his smile as they walked into the brightly lit gift shop.

Logan let out a loud gasp and ran over to the 6 foot long jellyfish stuffie. “I want it.”

“It’s tentacles are going to strangle you, love.” Finn shook his head.

“Kinky” Logan wiggled his eyebrows.

Finn scoffed as three other people in the quiet store laughed.

“Oh hi again Regulus.” Logan smiled at the black haired man who was sitting on the countertop beside the register tossing a brightly colored foam ball with turtles on it between his hands.

“Hey” He smiled back.

“What’d they need help with down here?” Finn looked around the empty room cluelessly.

“He didn’t help me?” The girl beside him raised an eyebrow. “Hi, Rue by the way.” She waved before going back to glaring at Regulus. “Did Evan tell you to help me?”

“No.” Reg smirked. “Just wanted to leave Leo alone with his crushes.”

“Reg” Leo pushed him.

“It’s mutual.” Finn said and Logan nodded.

“Okay. I’m gonna go ask Evan if I can get off early so I can show you a tour of the island and then get changed and I’ll be back down.” Leo changed the subject quickly.

“They’ll show you a tour of their bedroom and then get you off early.” Rue said quietly but not quiet enough. Leo shoved her hard as Logan, Finn, and Reg cackled.

+++

“So are we ready?” Leo walked back down in shorts and a UNCW t-shirt.

A cropped UNCW t-shirt.

“Uh- yeah. Yeah. Um, yeah.” Finn stuttered failing to make it look like he wasn’t staring at Leo’s tan abs.

Finn on the other hand had no shame. His eyes raked his entire body as his mouth went dry.

“Alright. I’ll follow you guys?”

“Huh? Oh yeah.” Logan nodded.

“Get it Knut.” Reg cupped his hands over his mouth and shouted as they left the gift shop and headed outside to the 100 degree weather.

@lumosinlove

[red-mister]

I posted 1 142 times in 2021

89 posts created (8%)

1053 posts reblogged (92%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 11.8 posts.

I added 300 tags in 2021

#ask - 73 posts

#ask me - 71 posts

#anon - 36 posts

#thank you - 29 posts

#tagged - 27 posts

#xd - 27 posts

#tag game - 15 posts

#lukaria - 11 posts

#picrew - 6 posts

#poem - 5 posts

Longest Tag: 55 characters

#rather than if we were forcing it just to stay in touch

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

being on tumblr for 6 years feels very weird. You are scrolling through your dashboard and half of the posts, despite that you dont recognize them, you already liked them years ago.

But you still unlike them and like them again just to let people you follow know that you care and appreciate their posts :3

14 notes • Posted 2021-06-23 23:02:38 GMT

#4

Where are you from?

Hell.

(pretty banal and obvious, isn't it?)

18 notes • Posted 2021-09-03 10:49:50 GMT

#3

You are...

you are so annoying,

messing up my thoughts

you always want know more

you are endlessly curious

you are the sweetest soul

and you are the most evil

you are one who knows me most

one that would never listen

you are one I always care about

one that I never liked at all

you are so annoying

believing that I am yours

you are most wonderful piece of art

passion flows with your every word

you are making me wondering

why are you so stubborn

you are making my cheeks hurt

never failing to make me smile

you makes my heart beats so fast

but I don't know if in hate or love

you changed my life

and I changed yours

you are my scary girl

you are my fragile boy

30 notes • Posted 2021-09-07 15:47:05 GMT

#2

Small Cuts

what even is a knife play

pleasure or pain?

it feels like both

with my throat

against your blade

it feels like both

with my lips

against your neck

30 notes • Posted 2021-09-25 23:06:32 GMT

#1

Dance of Lustful Blades

a demon and an angel

united within you into one

i found love and power

at the tip of your dagger

stabbing into my hands

my blood stains your dress

i found hate and anger

at the tip of your dagger

yet completely quiet i remain

despite eyes filled with pain

I found passion in danger

at the tip of your dagger

you kissed my wounds

treating them with care

new life fills my body

only your stained dress

reminds me of your fury

found at the tip of your dagger

50 notes • Posted 2021-09-06 10:15:22 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[dontshootmespence]

Through It All

Part 23

Summary: Now married, Spencer & Y/N navigate the D/s lifestyle. How will their relationship change?

Words: 1,203

Warnings: Basically nothing, mostly fluffy family stuff.

A/N: Hint of kink at the end!

Never had punching a phone number into a keypad been so vomit-inducing. Your finger trembles above the waiting digits, but when Spencer rests his hand on your shoulder, you take a deep breath and dial the number for Cradle of Hope.

“Hello, this is Cradle of Hope Adoption Agency, this is Marcie speaking. How can I help you?”

With more authority than you felt, you reply. “My name is Y/N Reid. My husband and I are looking to adopt and were wondering if we could come visit and speak with an adoption agent?”

Minutes later, you have an appointment. “When is it?” Spencer asks.

“Saturday. You ready for this?”

Spencer smiles, eyes looking off into the distance, as if imagining what the future holds. “Absolutely. I mean, I’m also petrified because this is unknown and I hate unknown, but I’ll get over it,” he laughs.

If that ain’t the truth.

---

Over the next few work days, both you and Spencer try to come up with any and all questions you might possibly have about this whole process. Questions are simple, but the unknown path ahead is what shakes you both. Just because you get chosen by a birth mother, it doesn’t necessarily guarantee that the deal is done. In an open adoption, she can change her mind at any time. And that’s scary as hell.

“You sure about the open adoption?” You ask, biting your lip as Spencer drives through the sleepy suburb to the agency. “I mean, I am. But I’m also terrified.”

Spencer’s hand floats from the steering wheel and onto your lap, where he entwines his fingers with yours. “I want to at least try it first. I love the idea of having the birth parents involved to some extent, but if we end up getting chosen and then the birth parents change their minds a number of times, I would look at a closed adoption.”

That had always been your train of thought, and hearing Spencer mirror it puts your mind at ease as you pull into the agency’s parking lot. “Ready?” You ask softly.

After opening the passenger side door for you, he takes your hand and leads you inside in reply.

---

For some reason, you’d imagined this place like a hospital, sterile and unwelcoming, but it looks a lot like someone’s home, and Marcie, who you’d spoken to earlier in the week, greets you at the door with a warm smile. “If you’ll both wait right here, I’ll get Minnie for you.”

A few minutes later, an older woman with kind eyes, round-rimmed glasses and graying hair makes your acquaintance. “Well, don’t you two look precious,” she says without making eye contact as she leads you back to her office. “Tell me a little bit about yourselves.”

Nerves make you seize up, but Spencer is in his element and begins rambling away about how he’d never imagined meeting the love of his life in a bar and yet here you were, happily married for a little less than 2.5 years with a beautiful baby girl to boot. You contribute to the conversation by pulling out your phone and showing Minnie the plethora of pictures of Charlie you have on your phone. Nearly 20 minutes pass as she coos over your hazel-haired little cherub. “So you have this beautiful little girl. What makes you want to adopt this time around?”

Spencer looks to you and allows you to reply, considering the reasoning is mainly yours. “Well, as much as I loved being pregnant, it was very difficult on my body. I’ve also always wanted to adopt, so considering we have one ‘naturally,’ we both liked the idea of adopting for number two.”

Over the next hour or so, Minnie asks a million different questions - some you’d expected and some you hadn’t. What does adoption mean to you? How often do you still frequent bars? In the event that something happens to you, who’ll raise your children? Are you aware of the pitfalls of an open adoption? It never seems to end until she finally pauses a moment, takes a breath and replies. “I think you two would do well with us,” she says softly, rummaging around in her desk for what is undoubtedly the first of a thousand pieces of paperwork. “Anyone adopting with us is required to complete ten hours of what we call adoption education, which for our agency we use Adoption STAR. The first class goes over talking about adoption with family and friends, as well as when to approach the topic of adoption with your child given their developmental and social levels. Class two goes over children with special needs. Class three addresses open versus closed adoption in great detail-”

She sees the wide eyed looks on your faces and places a hand on both of yours. “It’s a lot, but you look like you’ll be able to handle it,” she says genuinely before continuing. “Class four goes into talking points when it comes to the kinds of identity issues some adoptees can face, as well as how those talking points are affected by the child’s race. Five discusses adoption law, and then there are some post adoption classes as well, though not as many.”

While she continues talking about the policies of the agency, she beckons you to follow her around as she gathers paperwork. You were aware of the fees going in, but thankfully your finances allow for an adoption credit, so those worries sit on the back burner for a while.

Once she’s gathered the mountain of paperwork, she sits you in a room near her office where people can fill things out. “When it comes to your profile, be open and honest. Don’t try and make yourself appeal to everyone. Use specifics. Not everyone will love your profile, but the ones that do will feel more connected to you if you go into the specifics of your life and your parenting journey. Good luck,” she sing-songs with a smile. “You’ll do great.”

When the door closes with a thud, Spencer’s eyes scan the hill of paper. “Ready to tackle this?”

“For a baby? Hell yea.”

---

Hours pass with nothing but hand cramps, pens gliding over paper and soft touches from across the table, but finally you finish your paperwork with enough time to grab dinner on the way home. After dropping the papers off with Minnie, you both bid her goodnight and slip out the doors of the agency into a sky that had been bright and blue when you’d walked in earlier. “Now all we can do is wait.” You lean into him, his warmth comforting in the chill that’s settled into the air.

“And take classes!” He says excitedly.

You giggle at how excited he is about new knowledge of any kind. His nervousness seemingly fades away with something to focus on. “And take classes,” you laugh, walking toward the passenger side door. Your brain is racing with information and possibilities.  

“Wait,” he says, eyes gleaming mischievously. He knows you need focus. “You drive, I have an idea. Think you can handle the wheel?”

“For you, Sir?” You ask, falling effortlessly into that familiar headspace. “Yes.”

@heycasbutt @ultrarebelheart @katherineisagubler @proud-slytherin-ghost @randomwriter23 @fandom-queen67 @sixx-sic-sixx @xqueenofthecraziesx @aofay02 @groovyreid @criesinreid @jdougl-love @xreider @cringeemospntrashassbutt @prettyboyeffect @prettyboyreid @themanip @spencerreidsthings @augustgraceful @whollytaciturn @prisonreid @factualfic @jasmine-negron @snitchthewitch @ellabobella051419 @crazyforsstuff @kaatelyyynn​ @jane-dough @dreatine @bitter-post-millennial @adlerorzel-blog @hallieedrew @psychedelephantt @krisymccall996 @4ueijos @mclaujac @ray-likes-starwars @nurseemilyblog @slightlyvicked @she4567 @guesswhosback129 @princessdolan @happycreatorfangirl @fallwhisper @nyemadowell @sammy-jo1977 @sin-bin-and-tragedies @imsuperawkward @ahhahahaheehee @crispygiantsaladgarden @reputay-swift @pizzarollsfordayz @andiebeaword @timey-wimey-lovi @garbagecanfics @friedparadisetale @dereksbetaa @idontevenknow2 @holyfishloverfarm @nohemi2500 @typeshitbih @sadgirlhan @kmc217 @bigbuttsowhatuniverse @charmedfandomgal @im--blushing @dangerouspersonllamabagel @fichoe21 @yes-sir-hotchner @thefandomallrounder @mrsenos08 @walkerchick007 @letsdisneythings @winchesterqueenie @specialagentleigh @spn-wheresthepie @haileymew @bitchyoulied @geniusgub @urdicksmol @6lack6erry @slutlanna976 @downondilaudid​ @baileysb1tch @la-vie-en-amour1​ @letsdoit-tomorrow @eideticprettyboydrreid​ @lazynoodledragon​ @shybaby231 @aimzonicles97​ @grace-superpowers​ @softestlavender​ @ssa-dr-ladylock​ @drprettyboy​ @patricks-fabulous-face​ @tearosaria​ @shxdowofdarkness​ @marvels-gurl​ 

[sdottkrames]

Doors That Were Previously Closed (Bros)

@comfortember Prompt 23: Exhaustion

Summary:

Bruce was starting to freak out. Was Peter sick? Had something happened on patrol- some injury he was hiding or some poison he’d been exposed to? It wouldn’t be the first time.

Tony’s gonna kill me! he thought

Bruce knew how much Peter meant to Tony and he was pretty sure not even the hulk would be able to keep him safe if something happened to the boy. He was /this close/ to forcing Peter in the med bay for some tests when he suddenly let out a loud snore.

Notes: Finally caught up a little bit, so I’ll be posting one a day again! Only 4 more left after this, which is insane!!! Thanks for all your love and support, as always.

Read on AO3: Here

 Peter looked at his schedule for the week and groaned.

He had a million projects or exams due, and on the day that he didn’t have Academic Decathalon after school to train for their upcoming meet, he was scheduled for his internship with Tony. And that wasn’t even counting Spider-Man duties.

“Tony, I’m going to actually die this week. Can I, like, fake my death and then come back in a week and a half with everything done?” Peter said after complaining to his mentor about his busy week.

Tony just chuckled. “I’d much prefer you alive, even if the death is fake.” His tone was light, but Peter knew Tony’d had a hard time during the five years he was gone, and could hear the strain behind the words. “How about during internship time, we just take it easy. I gotta finish up a prototype for SI, but it’s almost done, anyway, and shouldn’t take us working together more than a half hour. We’ll finish that and then how about I quiz you for that decathlon meet, or work with you on one of those millions of projects.”

Peter sighed, gratefully. “Yeah, that’d be great.” Gratitude for his mentor filled Peter and gave him the strength to believe he could make it through the week. “Thanks, Tony, you’re the best! I love you.”

“I love you, too, kiddo.” Tony’s voice was soft and mushy, and Peter secretly loved that he got to hear it like that. He grinned to himself as he hung up, then took a deep breath, turned on his “focus” playlist, and got to work.

***

TS: Hey kid, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I’m gonna have to rain check on lab day this week. SI meeting that I absolutely can’t get out of, “even for Peter.”

Peter stared at his phone, disappointment on his face. He’d worked so hard that week, and had been looking forward to a relaxing day with Tony, and having some help studying. He really needed to go over his notes to be ready for the meet- AcaDeca had taken a back burner for Spider-Man, and he’d been wanting to put forth a more concentrated effort to help his team.

Now he wasn’t so sure he could do that. But before he could wallow too long in his thoughts, his phone pinged with a text from Tony.

TS:  But before you get all mopey, Underoos, Bruce agreed to take my place and study with you tonight. And I’ll get out of my meeting before you know it! 

TS: And don’t forget to breathe. I know he’s “Bruce BANNER!” But he’s still just a guy. Don’t freak out. You’ll do great.

TS: love ya kid

Peter was left staring at his phone again, this time not in disappointment but in disbelief for two reasons. 1. It was scary how well Tony knew him. He probably should be used to it by now (they’d both reached the point of handing each other tools without needing to ask for them) but it still surprised and touched him whenever it happened. And 2. BRUCE BANNER?!

He took Tony’s advice and just breathed. Tonight was going to be awesome.

***

“Hey Dr. Banner!” Peter said as he bounced into Bruce’s lab in the compound. “Thanks again for helping me with my chemistry notes. Tony said he was forced to go to a meeting with Pepper, so I really appreciate you agreeing to help me!”

Bruce looked up, an easy smile on his face. “Of course, Peter. I’m glad I could help.”

Bruce had met many, many people in the course of his work as both a scientist and an avenger, but none of them ever really made him smile like Peter Parker did. The boy was just always happy. He talked a mile a minute, but Bruce found it more endearing than stressful, unlike other people. And the hero worship in the kid’s eyes did wonders for his self esteem. Especially since Peter looked at Bruce that way, not The Hulk.

“So, it’s just for academic decathlon. We have a meet coming up soon and I need to review the chemistry questions,” Peter said.

“Not a problem. I need to finish this first, though, if you don’t mind.”

Peter nodded and began pulling stuff out of his backpack, sitting in the chair Bruce had pulled over for the kid. 

Once Bruce finished his project, he looked over at the young boy who had been patiently waiting for him. But Peter wasn’t looking through flash cards like Bruce had expected. The kid was staring at the wall.

Is this normal for him? Some sort of spider thing? He thought. Peter snapped out of it as soon as Bruce called his name, so he didn’t bring it up.

Bruce took the cards and began quizzing Peter. The kid was smart, and Bruce was very impressed. His lightning answers were almost always correct, and though Bruce had to explain a few things for some questions, Peter absorbed it quickly.

About an hour in, Bruce began to notice more things that were off about Peter. His words began to slur a little, he would need Bruce to reask the question, or forget something that he very clearly knew.

Bruce was starting to freak out. Was Peter sick? Had something happened on patrol- some injury he was hiding or some poison he’d been exposed to? It wouldn’t be the first time. 

Tony’s gonna kill me!

Bruce knew how much Peter meant to Tony and he was pretty sure not even the hulk would be able to keep him safe if something happened to the boy. He was this close to forcing Peter in the med bay for some tests when he suddenly let out a loud snore.

Bruce looked up in shock. He’d evidently been zoning out in panic, staring at the cards, and suddenly all of Peter’s symptoms made sense. Bruce mentally kicked himself for not putting two and two together. The kid had had a rough week, after all, of course he‘d be exhausted.

Some doctor! He thought ruefully, but ultimately decided to consider it a side affect of the superhero life

He packed up Peter’s cards and then stared at the sleeping boy, unsure what to do. Peter didn’t look comfortable, his neck leaned forward at an awkward angle, his legs crossed and sure to fall asleep. 

Sighing to himself, he gently slide his arms under Peter’s and lifted him up. Peter was incredibly light thanks to his spider DNA, and Bruce had no trouble carrying him thanks to the gamma radiation in his DNA. As he lifted the sleeping boy off the chair, Peter whimpered slightly, and then wrapped his legs around Bruce’s middle, nuzzling into Bruce’s neck. 

“Okay, then, kiddo,” he murmured. “This is fine.”

He carried his precious cargo to the elevator and up to the common area, deciding to let Peter nap while he made a snack and watched a movie. However, it quickly became apparent that Peter had other plans.

As Bruce tried to put Peter down on the couch, his shirt was very nearly ripped off his body by Peter’s sticky fingers.

“Pete, you gotta let me go, kid.” There was no apparent change. “C’mon. Let go. Give me back my shirt.” After a few more murmured pleas with no luck, Bruce accepted his fate and laid down on the couch, clingy Spider and all.

But for all his discomfort, Bruce had to admit that he really did love Peter, and he didn’t mind the innocent physical affection, which was fairly rare for him. That door had been closed for years by his big green alter ego to ensure everyone's safety. He found himself relaxing under Peter’s weight, the kid’s steady breathing making it easier for him to breathe, too. He found himself more relaxed than he’d been in months. (It’s honestly amazing what some physical touch can do when you’re touch starved).

Bruce was very nearly asleep when the door opened and caused him to nearly jump off the couch. Luckily, he didn’t, and Peter continued sleeping peacefully.

“Hey,” Tony called from where he was kicking off his shoes by the front door. “Is he asleep?” Before Bruce could answer, Tony walked over, and a knowing grin spread across face when he saw Bruce’s current predicament. “Kid get sticky on ya?”

Bruce nodded, patting said kid’s back gently.

“Yeah, he does that.”

Bruce could tell Tony wasn't just talking about the sticky super powers. Peter had a way of working his way into everyone’s heart. 

“Yeah, he does,” he whispered.

Tony put a blanket over the cuddly spider and his unfortunate victim, and then the two adults settled in to finish the movie, Peter still firmly attacked to Bruce’s shirt. But Bruce didn’t mind.

[khangowrites]

Is it a Complaint Essay or is the Workplace Unsuitable?

Ah, what am I writing today? Oh, well I suppose it’s almost 12am. Seems like a good a time as any. I wanted to just jot down a few re-occurring experiences I’ve had in the workplace and sometimes in other social spaces, and attempt to analyze them.

CW: mild mentions of abuse and bodily ailments.

A bit of forward: I tend to mask myself heavily whenever I am in any social situation; whether it be at work, at home, with friends or online (although I’m getting better at being myself on Discord at least. I owe a lot to my friends who accept me and whom I care so much about.) What this means is I often plan out what I’m needed to say in advance of a situation. I have an arsenal of about 5 minutes of small talk before I tank and several small greetings/placations I can cycle through on any given day if I’m not overloaded. I also limit my natural inclination to movement.

It’s called unprofessional/unsightly to sit with your legs folded under you, or to sway and shake your arms and legs back and forth in time to music in your head. But it’s okay if you tap your pencil. Everyone does that.

I have to wonder how noticeable my ‘masked’ self is. How real or fake it appears.

There have been a few trends I’ve seen with the way people treat me as an employee in the time I’ve been in the workforce. For clarity, I am a 23 year old 5’1” AFAB person with a face that looks like it stopped aging when I was 12. I’m non-binary, but I’ve seen that many have a hard time using a different pronoun for me because I look ‘so feminine’. I had one old man repeatedly tell me that my body was too pretty and that I shouldn’t hide it and ‘pretend’ to be something else. I was and still am quite unsettled and disgusted by that comment.

I haven’t used my full preferred pronouns at work simply based in fear of being fired or discriminated against further. Same thing at home- I haven’t told all my family out of fear. I may look back on this at some future date where I fully respect myself and I’m confident. I look forward to that day.

Oh, and I’m autistic.

Perhaps it is one of these things or all of them that cause people to treat me certain ways. I’d like to find out.

I worked outdoors at an Orchard for a season. They called me Cinderella because of the way I looked when I cleaned. They gave employees gloves and heaters. Only not me. When I asked, I was given a broken one and told to fix it. A coworker who had intellectual disabilities and poor eyesight was not offered a heater at all. I did not renew for the next season. Kim and I stayed in touch though.

I worked next at a gift shop at a historical site. I loved the history and the old buildings, but the cashier work was admittedly difficult. Most of the employees were kind, retired old ladies who treated me gently, like a child. Sometimes too much like a child. The assistant manager seemed wary of me, and she often avoided me. I don’t know why. I’m not good with eye contact, and I always fear that people will mistake my zoning out as being creepy or disrespectful; maybe it was that. She never brought her kids with her on days I worked.

The head manager was courteous, but always called me Special. We had an older man work in the last 2 years I was there who had a strong inclination to associate with the children at the shop, and in turn, me as well. He would always want a hug or pat me on the back, but ignored the other workers. I told the managers my uncomfortable feelings about him, but it went mostly unnoticed.

When it was found that I was decent with computers, I was tasked with entering jewelry into the system and creating labels with number associations. I enjoyed it, and they promised me a decent raise. My pay was raised a dollar several weeks later, and I found myself being tasked with more and more computer work, to the point of becoming an office manager myself, earning a grand total of 9 dollars an hour while my counterpart who started a year earlier owned a home on the same work.

I left that job after 4 years to be the music director at a local church. I love music and was excited. Maybe too excited. I developed acid re-flux and was hospitalized the week before my start day due to a panic attack. I realize now it was from stress. I also had an ovarian cyst removed a year later- it took up my entire pelvis and its formation was also attributed to stress. I’ve since been diagnosed with generalized anxiety, and I continue to have ever changing digestive issues, muscle problems and panic attacks.

After realizing I was autistic and also non-binary, so much of the stress of life started to make sense. The past few months I have been making life changes, and working towards finding a workplace that is accommodating and safe for me. My stress has lessened.

I worked at the church for 2 years. My last day is actually at the end of this month. As is the trend, I was not treated with respect when it came to my job. My pastor started choosing the hymns over me, and would make comments about me during services. His favorite was to say that my music made him fall asleep, and wait for laughter from the congregation. He had no musical knowledge, and forced me to play every song as fast as I possibly could. He didn’t believe I could do my job. Any attempts at mutual work failed to manifest. I unfortunately was groomed by a member of the hiring committee there as well, a type of abuse I didn’t even realize I had fallen into until several months after it was too late.

I currently work at a high school as a choir accompanist. I use she/they pronouns there, but no one uses they and I’m too worried to be fully they like I am outside of work. I am wary of soiling my relationship with the director further. She’s quite religious in the ‘gays don’t have rights’ way, so I have my fears.

The director is kind, but sees me as this innocent child that happens to have natural piano abilities, and the mutual respect that I’ve come to dream of just isn’t there again.

The director has the key to the doors and lets students in without fail, but conveniently forgets to let me in almost every day. At one time, I was in physical therapy and had a hard time standing and walking for any period of time. I almost went home because she didn’t answer any communication, class started 20 minutes previously, and it was 90 degrees outside and I needed to sit down because my legs were cramping. She plans the music weeks in advance, but doesn’t give them to me until the day the students get it, despite my repeated asking for time to prepare.

One day I was on zoom and she and the student teacher greeted me and then ignored my presence and played the piano herself for class. She struggled with the parts and commented to the choir that, “wow, Ms. Khango is actually pretty dang good at this- that little girl can play!”, but didn’t listen to me when I offered to play. I left the zoom after an hour.

The online students seemed to share my surprise at least, and I am grateful to them. They kept me grounded and reminded me that I matter and should have the same respect as everyone else in the room, zoom or not. They talk to me about not being heard and their chats not being read during class. It bothered me, too. The next week I brought it up to her in the form of making sure the zoom students were heard and she quickly dismissed it, like it was a puff of smoke. The students online now ask me questions directly and I relay them. It’s met with annoyance by the director.

They have voices too.

One of the scariest moments of my life was last week- I wore my ‘disability rights are human rights’ shirt to school. (Okay, maybe not scary to some, but it very much was for me.) After class, one of the students came to me and asked if I could help him find a way for his grandfather to get a seat at the concert, as he was disabled and he didn’t know how to proceed.

It filled me with joy to help him, and it filled me with rage when the teachers asked if his grandpa could just get out of the wheelchair instead.

My overall conclusion to all of these things is that people simply don’t understand, or don’t want to because it makes their lives harder.

Is discrimination and ignorance really easier than respecting people?

I’m not sure if this is all just one big complaint essay. I guess it is. What I needed to do was write it all out. All the things that make me uneasy or feel like lesser of a person. And I wanted to know why.

I note that at every job I am perceived as a child, or as someone naïve. I am not treated the same as another adult employee. I was ostracized for my way of moving and talking. Taken advantage of. My needs were not accommodated.

Even now, I feel guilt for writing this, like I’m just playing the victim for attention or something.

I want to be strong enough to stand up to it and ask to be treated with respect and have it follow through.

I want to unmask myself more and let myself move and talk naturally, and use my real pronouns.

My respect for myself and for others must become a powerful force.

My friends on discord- my real, genuine friends, have become monumental in my life. Most of my life I did not have true friends. Without them and their unconditional love and support, I would not be where I am right now. We are all equals. I want to embody that strong respect and bring it to others.

It’s getting late. 1 a.m. now. Well, I have tomorrow. Plenty of time for Star Trek.

[thirsty-x1]

Teach Me How | Kim Yohan

Request:

Hello! Can I request for a yohan smut where he is a virgin and the reader is the more experienced one so he will come up to you bc he wants to lose his v card

↬ Pairing: Yohan x Reader

↬ Genre: Fluff, Smut

↬ Warnings: explicit language, masturbation, fingering, oral sex, protected sex, too much fluff that can melt your heart.

↬ Word Count: 4.7k

You were laying upside down in bed reading a book whilst Yohan was sitting down in front of your desk, the sound of his pencil scribbling on the paper filling the room. You both had regular studying meetings, it was a little habit you had developed after being friends for many years and recently neighbors as well, although they consisted more in just being next to each other and not talking. Besides, both being Music Majors, it was easier to talk about academic stuff and all that. 

“Hey, question 5, the one about the style of the movements and who composed it, which answer did you pick?”

“Uh... I think Arcangelo Corelli.” He nodded and wrote it down immediately.

Another half an hour passed until he finally grabbed his stuff, a proud smile on his face. He always got so happy to finish all the homework... You simply felt exhausted. His body got up, stretched and threw himself on the bed next to you.

“What are you reading now?” His head sliding under your arms, the book you were holding almost slipping.

“A horror story.”

“Is it good?”

“Well, the writing is bad enough to call it scary.” He whispered a soft ‘meanie’ before laughing. 

“Hey, y/n... Can I ask you something?”

“You are going to ask even if I say no.”

“Yeah, but still.” You nodded and he went on, his eyes seeming a little nervous. “You... Are you still seeing that last guy? The one from the party?”

“Hangyul? Uh, not really... Things weren’t going well. Why you ask?” Yohan rarely asked about your love life.

“Ah, you see... You know...” It seemed he was having a hard time trying to come up with whatever he was trying to say. “I’m a virgin.”

You stared at him for a few seconds before bursting out laughing. He got all serious to say that? The panicked look on his face was priceless.

“Yeah, I know that.”

“What? How?!”

“How could I not? You are my best friend since forever, you would have told me if you had sex sometime.” His cheeks blushed when you talked explicitly. “And also this! You get so shy when it comes to talk about anything that is sex related! Biology was a nightmare for you.”

“Ok, fine, I got the point, thank you. The thing is... I was wondering if... You could teach me?” He scratched his head and looked at anything else except you.

“You know that there is porn and articles on this, right? You can learn from there.” Why was he even asking you something like that? With technology it was pretty easy to access anywhere.

“No... First of all, I have watched porn and it’s awfully fake, second of all, I have already read articles. What I mean is... If you can teach me the real thing... You know, physically.”

Oh.

Oh.

“Oh.” Had you ever been able to think of Yohan in a sexual way? Obviously not because if so, he wouldn’t be sitting on your bed fully dressed as of now. He was your best friend, the one that always helped you out with university, the one that got excited whenever he saw you in the crowd during his taekwondo matches, the one that giggled in a silly way whenever you two watched a drama.

“You don’t have to answer now! I just, wanted to know if you would be up for it... I don’t know why I said it, just forget it, ok? I, uh... Will be going now.” He got up and left in a flash.

You simply sat there, still analyzing the situation. Yohan, your very virgin friend, asked you take his v card. Did he mean it all the way? Like fucking and all or just a few things? You weren’t sure but the rest of the day you started seeing him from a different perspective. Sure, he was Friend Yohan™ but he could also be manly. You remembered his facial expressions when he was writing music, his body movements in taekwondo tournaments, the way he looked with a suit on...He was attractive as well and had a few relationships but often ended up being dumped because the girls just got bored, or that’s what he told you. Maybe... it was because of this?

As hours passed, you couldn’t take Yohan out of your mind. Small details seemed to appear that you never noticed consciously. His plump lips, broad shoulders, toned body. Soon you started to think about how he would look when he was close to cumming, how would his fingers feel inside of you, how his cock looked and what would he taste like, if he would moan or grunt or whimper or be quiet, your temperature rising each second that passed.

Still, fucking with friends... That isn’t something that turns out well. At least most of the times. It was risky, but you two had been friends for so long that maybe it wasn’t going to happen to you two. Of course not, besides it was just sex, just helping him out to understand how it worked and what to do, that’s it! You would be helping a friend and that is what best friends do, right? They help each other and that was what you were going to do.

y/n:

23: 46. I accept. I’ll help you out.

Ten minutes later, there was a soft knock on your door. You opened it, Yohan standing in front of you, staring straight to the floor, his fingers fidgeting.

“D-Did you really mean it?” Your heart warmed up at his soft voice.

“Yeah... You could have just answered the phone, you know?”

“Thought it was better in person. So... What do we do now?” His question surprised you, quite straightforward considering how nervous he looked.

“We could... Talk, first? And tomorrow uh... Are you free tomorrow?” It was your turn to get shy. It’s not like you had something prepared or knew where to start at all, plus the fact that this was your best friend made things a little bit different.

“Oh, yes, I’m free. Can I come in?” Eye contact was made and almost immediately both of your faces became red. You stepped aside, he came in, you both sat on the sofa, and silence filled the room. Yohan had a reason to be like that at least, but you... You were the experienced one, you should be guiding him, not acting as if it was your first time too. Decided, you changed your posture.

“Sex.” His eyes shoot out and stared at you, like a deer in headlights. “It’s important, it feels good, it’s relaxing, but if you do it the right way. You shouldn’t rush things just because you want to cum, not recommended to do weird things on the first time, communication is key...”

“Weird things? Like what?” Was he playing with you or did he really not know?

“Well, they aren’t weird things, but like, kinks. For example, uh, tying up someone or playing with wax, spanking or more extreme things, if you have no experience with that it can be a little dangerous for both parties.” You could almost see steam coming out of his ears.

“Ah, I see...”

Both of you continued to talk about the basics: hygiene, erogenous zones, myths and truths, orgasms, protection. He relaxed the more you talked and even made some questions that he had thought about: some you answered, some you googled together. It went smoother than what you expected. He listened and took everything seriously, a few times giggling over your expressions and stories.

“... That’s the number one reason why you should turn each other on previously. The whole experience can be awful if one of you isn’t in the mood for it. Don’t force it.”

“How do you do that?” Now he was asking for your experience.

“Ah... Making out is a good start. A hand over here, a hand over there, maybe some dry humping and foreplay, oral sex and such. Other things like time and place can have effects on the turn on too, like semi-public or things that make you feel some kind of adrenaline.” You explained calmly to which he nodded, his mouth opening a little and your eyes fixed on his lips. He seemed to notice, licking them quickly.

“Can we try? Making out, I mean. I haven’t done much of it so I might be pretty bad, but...” Again, he scratched his head as if to hide his embarrassment.

“Sure.” The reply came out without you really thinking about it. You got closer to him, caressing his left cheek. “Let’s go slow at first, just to try and then we move on, does that sound right?” He swallowed hard and nodded. So adorable.

His eyes closed slowly, waiting for you to make the first move. You had to hold back your smile before placing your lips on top of his, leaving a short peck before repeating the action, this time for a longer time, your lips molding to his perfectly. You got away, your heartbeat racing. He opened his eyes, a slightly dazed look on them, only to lean in and kiss you again, one of his hands going at your nape and pulling you closer. Your lips opened lightly, licking his and he panicked.

“I’m not good with tongue kisses...” His breathing was already a little irregular.

“I’m here to teach you, I’m not expecting you to be amazing at your first try, yes? Just open your mouth a tiny bit and we simply lick each others’ tongues, if it makes some kind of sense.” 

He did what you said but also rushed forward, his teeth clacking against yours, making both of you laugh although he seemed frustrated. You tried again, taking the lead as your tongue slipped carefully past his lips until finding his, the warmth making both of you shudder. The kiss lasted longer, both knowing when to take breaks, he easing in and tasting you more, becoming more confident in his actions, but still looked uncomfortable.

“Is there anything wrong? Too fast?”

“It’s not that... The position is a little off, don’t you think?” He was right, your waist was hurting a little from stretching and turning to align to his body. You nodded and stood up before sitting on top of him, his eyes going wide again and freezing on the spot.

“This is a regular position, don’t get so surprised. Give me your hands.” You positioned them right above your hips and proceeded to put yours on his shoulders, your butt resting comfortably on his thighs but not on his crotch since you thought it might make him feel vulnerable at some given point.

The kissing went on and he seemed to enjoy it a lot more, his movements didn’t need your guidance as much as before, he took the initiative and even bit your lower lip playfully before asking with the sweetest smile if he did it right, to which you nodded before giving him a soft peck and shifting your body a little, a short gasp leaving his lips when you brushed against his hard on.

“I’m sorry, really, I just–!” His words went silent as you rolled your hips again, this time being more conscious about his reaction. You took in his facial expression: his eyes shut down, his swollen lips parting to let out heavy sighs come through, his cheeks painting a shade of dark red.

“Does it feel good?” There was no hesitation in his response, his strong hands gripping your hips as he raised his own. The touch was so desperate, so needy that it turned you on. You stopped him, the curiosity was too great for you to hold back. “Let me touch you.”

“Wha– Like seeing it?”

“I can do it without seeing ‘it’ if you feel more comfortable. I just don’t want you to cum in your pants this time.” He agreed before whimpering at your words.

“Why are you so raw to talk about that...” It didn’t sound like a complaint, but more like a plea. You smirked, undoing the restrictions on his pants, and spit a little on your hand before sliding it down until you hold his member, the temptation to get a sneak peek getting bigger but you tried to push it away to respect his wishes... But only feeling him was enough for you to imagine. His pre-cum made it easier, but also messier, and the moment he felt your fingers around him, he bucked his hips. You stroked him slowly, his moans muffled by his own hands covering his face.

“Look at me.” Your whisper was low and he shook his head. “Please, Yohan, let me see your face.” The walls were destroyed as he uncovered his expression, teary eyed and hazy, a pleased sigh leaving your lips this time.

“S-Stop...” Heavy breathing, strained voice, sweat dripping down his neck. He was about to finish, the view was glorious and you had a first row seat to admire it. Your thumb slid a few times over his tip before feeling a hot spurt cover your hand. “I warned you.”

You took off your hand and saw the consistent white fluid. You gave it a lick and Yohan almost fainted. It was somewhere in between bitter and sweet, not weird, pretty much like any other, and slightly sticky. Not disgusting but not quite a dessert.

“Does it taste awful?” You laughed at his expression, staring at it as if it were some kind of inhuman thing.

“Not really. It tastes sweet, like ice cream. Did you eat anything like that for the last few days?.” Maybe you could prank him a bit.

“What? That’s not what I’ve heard it tastes like...” Now there was interest instead of repulsion.

“Have some. C’mon, it’s not that big of a deal.” He looked at you, then back at your fingers and so on until he closed his lips around them, his tongue against your fingertips making you feel some kind of way. The moment his taste buds felt the savor, he got away and acted as if he was going to vomit.

“It’s awful! How could you do that to me.”

“It came out of you, it’s not that weird.” You got up to clean your hand whilst he complained about the stickiness and buttoned his pants again.

“Yeah well there are many things that come out of my body but I don’t go around putting them in my mouth.”

“Stop complaining, now think about it twice if you want to make someone swallow that.” When you came back, he was covering his crotch and seemed anxious to go back to his apartment. “Go and clean yourself, we will meet tomorrow and see what we can make.”

“But I didn’t do anything to you.” You let out a small ‘huh?’ before understanding, but listening to him was more entertaining. “Y-You know, I didn’t make you c... that.”

“Cum.” He sighed and flipped their hands around before they went back to their original position. “It’s fine, maybe tomorrow.”

“T-Tomorrow?”

“Unless you don’t want to try anything else which would be totally fine, don’t be nervous.”

“I don’t– d-don’t get nervous.” An embarrassed giggle came out of his lips realizing his failure. “Fine. Tomorrow.” 

And he left, walking funnily. And you couldn’t help but to touch yourself afterwards, the whole experience replaying in your memory being way more stimulating than what it really was.

‘Tomorrow’ sure came fast enough, with you already on Yohan’s lap making out, this time on his sofa. There was not nearly as much hesitation as the day before: his hands went to your hips instinctively, sometimes they would shakily move down before changing their mind and going back to the first position. It was cute. You grabbed his hands and slid them underneath your shirt until they reached your breasts, his breathing hitching up as he softly squeezed them, feeling them fully before getting away and ask you with pleading eyes to let him remove the clothing between. You nodded and he did, stare fixed on the lacy bra before you unhooked it and showed them to him, the way he examined them making you feel almost shy despite being the experienced one. Again, trembling hands massaged them, the cold contact making your nipples erect, and soon you could feel him getting hard, a smile on your lips as you pulled away, kneeling between his legs.

“W-Wait...”

“Has anyone ever sucked you off?” He panicked even more, blushed cheeks and you were lost as to which of all the previous events provoked it.

“No... But what if, you know...”

“What?”

“What if...” He looked away, trying to hide his facial expression. “What if you don’t like it?”

“First, it’s simply a cock.” You started speaking as you were undoing his belt, unzipping his pants. “And second, all I want is to make you feel good.”

He seemed to relax to your words and didn’t put as much resistance as before but still wouldn’t look. You asked him to stand up and he obeyed, covering his face as you pulled both his pants and underwear together, his dick springing out. Maybe you weren’t fully ready to see your best friend’s lower part, but there was no way you could complain. It simply looked like it had the perfect measurement for everything: slightly thicker than most of the ones you had seen, quite longer than the average, his pinkish tip licking pre-cum, soft veins running alongside his shaft. The only word that came to your mind was cute, but that would probably hurt his pride, it often did to most of guys even if it was a compliment.

You decided to not say anything and simply started touching him before sliding you tongue on his length, his lips parting open slightly. Saliva quickly spreading, your hand working on the base as you took him inside your mouth, starting to bob your head and take him deeper, seeing his reactions to try and guess what feels better for him. Each time you ran your tongue on his tip, his hips slightly bucked up, not hard to guess then. You kept doing it, your hands paying attention to the rest of his length, and then you felt his on your head. Was he going to take control? You prepared your throat just in case, trying to control your muscles but nothing happened besides him just stroking your hair, as if patting your head for doing a good job, melting you completely.

“Can you cum for me, Yohan?” The mention of his name caught him off guard, a small whimper escaping his lips as he looked down to you, the view becoming too much, a quick nod giving you confidence as you felt his hardness pulsating against your tongue, but he pulled out and simply covered himself as he came untouched on his hand, taking you by surprise.

“It tastes awful, I’m not going to make you go through that again.” Your heart fluttered at his pureness. Even if he was too lost in his own pleasure, you still remained as his top priority. He stared at you, his eyes wandering until he saw that you still had your breasts out, his ears flushing as if he remembered what was happening just a few minutes ago and passed you your shirt, forgetting the liquid it was on his hand. “Oh god, sorry, wait, I’ll bring you something.”

You tried to tell him it wasn’t necessary, that you could simply get one from your apartment but he was gone quick, pulling up his clothes whilst becoming embarrassed again. You couldn’t help but to laugh as you picked your bra and put it on, waiting for him to come back, which happened just a few seconds later with your favorite hoodie of his. He threw it to you, his perfume hitting you all at once and put it on while mumbling a small ‘thank you’. You got up to leave but he grabbed your wrist.

“Are you going already? I want to try something.”

“Oh? Ah, I thought you were going to be tired since you just...” He cut you off before you could continue.

“Not on me, but on you.” Was he filled with surprises today? “You made me c-cum twice now... I should at least to pay back, right? Teach me how to... well... that...” Seeing your confused expression, he tried to be clearer. “O-Oral...”

He took your hand and took you to his room: there were a few candles, giving off a warm scent and light, and sheets you had never seen on his bed before. Everything looked so different but still made you feel comfortable and as if it were your own place.

“You prepared all this?”

“Yeah, I remembered you saying that it’s better if everything is in a comfortable place, so...” He grabbed you by your waist and his puppy eyes seemed so hopeful. You sighed and took off your lower clothes but kept his hoodie on.

“Come here.” You laid back on his bed and he also did, right next to you. “Remember I told you that both should feel on the same mood? Always keep that in mind.”

His hands slid up and down your legs, the soft brush of his fingertips on your skin making you shiver. You wondered if he was listening to you, seeming so enhanced in playing with your thighs as you kept talking, suddenly shutting up as he brushed your core, a sly smirk on his lips for the first time.

“You are already wet.” Where did that confidence even came from? His fingers applying more pressure, rubbing you through your underwear, damping it within seconds. His head turned to you, his lips on yours without any warning as he slithered his hands under your panties, a gasp coming out of both of you when he made direct contact with your wetness. Long and slow motions were traced, your body becoming more and more sensitive to his touch.

He went down, stopping his motions only to remove the piece of clothing in-between and spread your legs wide before admiring you whole. The turn of events and roles having you as the shy one. His inexperienced fingers explored your insides as he slipped one inside of you, adding a second one when he felt it right.

“Does that feel good?” Your head was spinning, the slow movements making you feel dizzy. “Please, tell me.”

“Yes... You can press against the upper part or make them go in and out.” Right, you had to teach him, but his eagerness made it hard for you to focus. 

You gave him a few instructions and corrected him if he went too rough or awkward, although there wasn’t much that you had to work on, just details. He mumbled out something before slipping out his fingers and try licking a stripe along your folds that made you want to arch your back. You suggested him to focus on your clit to which he complied but instead of licking it like you had expected, he closed his lips around it and slightly sucked in. His tongue explored every centimeter, every small part as his fingers came back to be inside of you, everything feeling stronger each time to the point where you let pass small things involuntarily because they were replaced with greater pleasure, until you locked your fingers in his hair, coming with small spasms and he finally stopped.

“Did I do well?” He looked so anxious, licking his lips over and over as he stared up to you.

“You are... really good at this...” Proud smile on his face as he got up.

“I investigated quite a lot on this particular part.” A soft giggle was heard around the room as he took off his shirt, muttering how sweaty he felt. Maybe it was because of seeing his body, noticing the new tent on his pants or because of your recent orgasm, but the words blurted out, making Yohan turn around quickly. “W-What?”

“Fuck me.”

He froze on the spot. Sure, you two had talked about taking things slow and experiencing one thing at the time, but now you just needed to feel him, even if it was just for a few minutes.

“But I-I might not last long...”

“I just... Please, I need it.” 

What could he do if you were begging to him like that, wearing his clothes, your look gazing him and your legs completely spread while being on his bed? Nervousness ran through his veins but the desire was too much. He opened one of his drawers on the bedside table and pulled out a condom, undressing and rolling it on his member before hovering over you, hands slightly trembling. You guide his hardness until it slips inside of you, his eyes closing at the feeling, your arms hugging him as he filled you.

“How does it feel?” Your whisper on his ear sends shivers down his spine, his muscles tensing and relaxing as if he is trying to hold back.

“Good... Too good...” 

His forehead touched yours, and you got to admire each one of his facial features. One of your hands softly caressing his cheek, making him lean against your touch before kissing you, tasting yourself on his lips, his hips starting to move. He was a little clumsy, not being able to find his own rhythm, being too close too many times but he was thankful it was you the one he gave his first time to. He knew it wasn’t such a big thing, but he still felt like right there was where he belonged.

Not too long after, he simply couldn’t hold back, his thrusts becoming erratic as he enjoyed the sensation of you clenching on him and your legs hugging him to push him deeper, one of his hands rubbing your clit, the over sensitivity pushing you over the edge as you moaned his name, his second orgasm hitting him and his weight dropping slightly on top of you. He stayed like that for a while, your hands playing with his hair and his head resting on your chest, your breathing uneven.

“Thank you.” Astonishment crossed his face when he listened those words coming from you.

“Shouldn’t I be the one saying that?” His soft giggling making you smile.

“What I meant is that you did really well, you treated me in a way that I just wanted to thank you for.” Puppy eyes yet again, you could almost picture a wagging tail behind him.

“I still have a lot to improve. Will you keep teaching me?” The innocent tone in his voice made your whole face acquire a red shade.

“S-Shut up...” He just laughed and pulled out of you, throwing the used condom. “Can I have a shower here?” Yohan nodded as he handed you a towel.

Under the steam you thought for a long time about everything that had happened that night. Maybe nothing would change, at least in the best scenario. Just a minute ago it seemed like there was no awkwardness, so maybe, just maybe, it could work out. A smile spread on your face remembering his giggles and each one of his groans. When you got out of the shower, wearing his hoodie again and a pair of boxers he had left next to the towel, you saw him sitting on his bed with the TV on.

“Want to re-watch this drama?”

As you cuddled next to him and both laughed at the scenes displaying, you thought everything was fine, and you could definitely keep teaching each other, at least for a bit longer.

I loved writing this so much,,, Yohan being a shy baby is what I live for. Maybe this was too soft *sobs*

~Nani

unedited

[let-it-raines]

Catch Me If You Can (23/?)

298 days. That’s how long Killian Jones was away from a baseball field. It’s less than a year, only part of a season for him, but it might as well have lasted a decade as he alternated between physical therapy and spending an excessive amount of time sitting on his couch.

But then he came back and won the World Series.

It’s something no one saw coming, and it’s certainly not something anyone who knows about his arm would predict. Now it’s a new season with new possibilities, and anything could happen. On-field reporter Emma Swan will be there to cover it all even if she is not his biggest fan right now.

Asking her out live on-air will do that.

Rating: Mature

a/n: I wrote this entire story in some kind of pregnancy-fueled Mexican-food-craving haze, and I didn’t realize just how much time was between some certain big plot points until I was proof-reading this. That said, I’m not changing any of that and am literally impatient to share all of the upcoming chapters with you wonderful people! @resident-of-storybrooke​ has assured me that they’re actually good. lol. Not entirely sure that I trust her 😉

Found on AO3: Beginning | Current

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Tag list:  @eala-captian @galaxyzxstark @xellewoods @mariakov81 @ultraluckycatnd @royalswan @shey-starsfury​ @superchocovian​ @sals86 @iam2307 @ashley-knightingale @karenfrommisthaven @scientificapricot @captswanis4vr @ultimiflos @jamif @idristardis @nikkiemms @resident-of-storybrooke @tiganasummertree @bmbbcs4evr @onceuponaprincessworld @jennjenn615 @mayquita @captainsjedi @teamhook @notoriouscs @kmomof4 @ekr032-blog-blog@cs-forlife @andiirivera @jonirobinson64 @qualitycoffeethings​ 

-/-

I need your post-series comparison report by nine this morning.

You were late with it last time, and that made me late with my report. This is why you should probably stick to on-air reporting instead of continuing to write articles when we have people for that.

W.O.

“Asshole,” Emma mutters to herself after reading that blatantly condescending email from Walsh.

She’s been in the office for approximately fifteen minutes, most likely a little less than that, and the first thing that Emma saw after logging into her computer was an email from Walsh about her report on the difference between playing at home and away, specifically when it comes to playing the Red Sox. Two weeks ago, the Yankees lost every single game they played in Boston, especially that epic game where they lost 3-17 the night Killian was the starting pitcher, and then over the last four days, they’ve won every game while in New York.

Home team advantage taking on a whole new meaning because it is seriously in play this year.

And Emma doesn’t want to get too excited, doesn’t want to get too ahead of herself because anything can happen for the rest of the season, but only a month and a half of the regular season is left and there’s no way the Yankees aren’t making the playoffs. Once they get there, who knows if they’ll make it to the Series?

There’s a chance, though, and that’s all that matters.

As a fan, she’s excited. As Killian’s girlfriend and a reporter for the team, she’s over the freaking moon. It would be insane for them to back it up, but she’s got to slow her roll.

Slow her roll and send Walsh this report so that she doesn’t have to deal with him anymore today. Working with her ex is fine since it’s not an everyday thing, only an office day thing, but the man has got to get the stick out of his ass. He cheated on her, belittled her out of jealousy for her success in her job, and yet he acts like it’s an inconvenience for them to have to spend a miniscule amount of time together. He’s probably sitting at his desk thinking of ways to torture her while drinking a giant bottle of Mountain Dew. She always hated that he did that. He could have at least had the diet version instead of consuming all of that extra sugar.

But whatever. It doesn’t matter. None of it does.

Ruth: Do you think you’d like to come to Portland in October? Or maybe sometime before Thanksgiving? I was thinking you could bring your boyfriend so that I can meet him.

Emma reads the text, but she doesn’t answer it quite yet. She needs time to look at her calendar and have time to ask Killian if he wants to go. Hell, she needs time to figure out if that’s what she even wants because, wow, bringing a boyfriend home is not something she’s ever done. Neal literally never wanted to come home with her, never wanted to go to David’s, never wanted to do anything that wasn’t in his control, and Walsh was just…

Shit. She needs to email him now and stop letting her mind go down this path.

Today is a good day. Nothing is going to ruin it. If she repeats that enough times it’s sure to come true.

“Oh my God,” Ruby groans as she steps into Emma’s office, barely able to squeeze in past the chair that’s keeping the door open before sitting in it, “I am ready for this season to be over. Why is it always so jam-packed? Do people really need to watch this much baseball? There are so many damn games.”

“Nope. They really don’t.”

“I feel like you should not be able to say that because of your job and the fact that your boyfriend is a freaking baseball player.”

“Rubes,” Emma hisses, twisting in her chair and looking out the small glass window in her office, “shut up.”

Ruby’s eyes widen, her hands immediately going to cover her mouth, and that might be the fastest Ruby has ever stopped talking in the entirety of her life.

“Sorry, sorry,” she apologizes before getting up from the chair and moving it so that she can shut the door behind her. Damn this small office. “I didn’t even think about it.”

“It’s fine. It’s not like you have a giant poster saying that I’m dating him. There are just a lot of people constantly walking by this door, so we can’t really talk about it with the door open.”

“My lips are sealed. Also, are you ever going to get a bigger office?”

“I don’t even know why I have an office. Like, honestly. I keep waiting for them to realize that I don’t need it and to give it away to someone who works here more than once a week. Then I could do all of this stuff from home.”

“That is the life. Though, I think you would probably never put on real pants again.”

“Yoga pants are real pants, and that’s a hill I’m willing to die on.”

“Whatever,” Ruby yawns, covering her mouth with her hands. “I’m ready to go home already. Do you think we have time to go home before the game?”

“Considering we have to get out to the stadium in less than an hour and I still have to finish this report for Walsh, I’m thinking not.”

“Ugh,” Ruby groans, propping her feet up against the walls like she owns the place, “why does he continue to exist? Can’t he go work in another department or something?”

“I imagine,” Emma sighs, twisting back in her chair to actually get work done on the report, “that he stays simply to annoy me, but I tend not to think about him too much.”

“Yeah, well, that’s because you’re getting fucked much better now.”

Emma huffs. “Why are you the way that you are?”

“You know, I think it comes from being raised by my grandmother instead of my mother, and I –”

“Rhetorical question,” Emma hums, pulling up her file with her notes from the last few games up so that she can fill the last bit of information in while they talk. “So, Ruth has asked me if I want to bring Killian to Portland.”

“I thought you just said that we couldn’t say his name.”

“We can’t yell it with the door open. We can say it quietly in here.”

“Gotcha, gotcha,” Ruby sighs as Emma keeps working. “How do you feel about the boyfriend going home to meet Ruth? That’s kind of a big step. I mean, he’s already met David and Mary Margaret, but that’s different. They’re more like friends than anything else.”

“Yeah, I’m aware of that.”

“This is, like, ‘I see a future with you and want everyone I love to love you’ kind of stuff.”

“Are you trying to freak me out?”

“Only a little. I could have brought up marriage and babies, but I figured that would have you jumping through the ceiling to escape the conversation.”

Emma’s heart kind of feels like it’s going to jump through the ceiling of this conversation. Why did she even bring this up? Probably because she does actually want to talk about it, and Ruby will be the most honest with her because she doesn’t seem to have any kind of filter in that wonderful brain of hers.

‘Yeah, let’s avoid the marriage and babies stuff.”

“Okay, so barring those things,” Ruby sighs, getting up from the chair to perch herself on the edge of Emma’s desk so Emma can actually see her while talking, “how do you feel about this? I know you love Killian because you guys are ridiculously adorable together, which makes me happy for you even if I sometimes find it disgusting, but I also know that you like to freak out about relationship stuff.”

“I’m…” Emma rolls back in her chair and tilts her head up to look at Ruby while she tugs her bottom lip with her teeth. “I don’t think it’s that big of a deal, really, because Killian has met everyone else and we do travel pretty often together. But that’s for work, you know? This is…this is moving forward in a way.”

“That’s a good thing, hon. People in good relationships move forward. Graham and I dated for awhile, then moved in together, even if you do live with us because rent is ridiculous, and then one day we’re going to get married. When you love someonesomeone,who is good to you, that’s what you do, even if every relationship roadmap is different with different destinations. It’s scary as hell, but sometimes you’ve got to do scary shit.”

Sometimes you’ve got to do scary shit.

“You sounded really philosophical until you got to the end there.”

“Eh,” she scoffs, flipping her hair over her shoulders, “I think all great philosophers should talk like me. It’s real. Good advice doesn’t have to be poetic. It’s just got to be good.”

Emma hums in response, crossing her legs over each other and readjusting her position while she thinks over everything that Ruby has just said. “So, you think I should talk to Killian about it and then text Ruth back?”

“That’s exactly what you should do. And then you should finish this damn report, send it to your asshole ex with a picture of a middle finger attached, and then we should get something to eat on the way to the stadium.”

-/-

The Yankees win an easy game against the Orioles that afternoon, as they usually do, and it’s a smooth day at the office for all involved. Killian is particularly cheeky in his post-game interview, he and Will bantering off each other, and Emma has to bite her tongue to keep herself from telling Killian that she loves him live on-air.

Talk about a disaster waiting to happen there.

-/-

“Darling, can you get me a napkin?”

“Get it yourself, Jones.”

“Emma is literally standing in the kitchen.”

“You are a big boy. You can get your napkin yourself.”

“You just asked her to bring you a glass of water.”

“That is different.”

Emma rolls her eyes at Ruby and Killian bickering with each other. It’s honestly how they talk. Emma doesn’t think that they’re capable of speaking in normal terms, and as obnoxious as it can be, it’s kind of hilarious. Those two are pretty much a friendship made in heaven because of their wit and ability to make anything a dirty joke, but it results in a hell of a lot of bantering.

Or bickering.

Emma’s not sure which one, but if the look on Graham’s face is any indication, it’s a combination of both.

“We’re going to have to stop allowing them to spend time with each other, aren’t we?” Graham asks as he reaches over her to grab a napkin that the restaurant provided them with when they ordered take-out. “I think they might kill each other.”

“Eh, it might just be the natural progression of things.”

“True. Might as well just let it happen.”

“I can hear the two of you,” Ruby huffs, leaning over from the couch so that she can get a handful of chips out of the bowl before standing and walking to the kitchen, “and it’s totally not cool that you’d just let the two of us die. You are supposed to love us.”

“To be fair, I just met Killian, so I’m not sure that we love each other quite yet,” Graham teases.

Killian winks, the biggest smirk stretching across his lips, and it makes Emma’s stomach flutter. “Give it time. I’m irresistible. Ask Emma.”

“He’s not,” Emma sighs, taking the napkins out of Graham’s hands and walking them the few feet over to Killian before sitting down next to him on the couch, plucking a chip from his plate instead of the bowl. “He pretty much had to beg me to get me to date him.”

“Um, no, you definitely asked me out, Swan.”

“Only because you wouldn’t ask me out.”

“We have talked about this,” Killian breathes, scooping up a forkful of his rice. “And besides, it’s a moot point now.”

“Maybe. Are you going to eat the rest of your queso?”

Killian hands her his bowl in answer. Him watching his eating habits more carefully is quite possibly the best thing that’s ever happened to her even if she has to cut down on the pop-tarts in the morning. That’s probably for the best. She’d rather waste her calories on things like queso and grilled cheese. Killian has learned to make a really good grilled cheese sandwich, and that may be the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for her.

Obviously she has some really high (low) standards, but it’s the little things.

Cheese is the way to a woman’s heart. At least to hers. There are some crazy people out there who don’t like cheese.

Crazy.

“Why didn’t we get margaritas with our food again?” Ruby asks as she and Graham both settle back into the living room. They barely have enough room for the three people who live here, let alone four. “I really want a margarita.”

“We’ve got an eleven o’clock game tomorrow.”

“You two do. I don’t.”

Emma reaches to the side to slap Killian’s shoulder, nearly spilling her queso dip, and what a tragedy that would be. “You have training.”

“Not at eleven in the morning.”

“Poor people having to wake up and be at work before nine in the morning to start work at eleven. However do all of you live?”

Everyone’s eyes move toward Graham, evil stares likely there, and instead of backing away, he shrugs his shoulders and takes a bite of his taco, completely unbothered.

“Shut up and eat your tacos, babe.”

He holds up the taco he just took a bite out of. “Don’t mind if I do.”

Killian chuckles beside her, lifting his arm over Emma’s shoulder so that she can lean into him and into his warmth. “And you say Ruby and I bicker.”

“I’m starting to think maybe it’s Ruby that’s the problem.”

“I,” Ruby scoffs, reaching forward to grab the remote to turn the TV on, “am picking the movie we watch tonight because all of you are assholes, and I deserve this.”

They watch Pride and Prejudice because it’s the first thing Ruby finds on TV, something that Emma definitely isn’t going to complain about. She’s usually not one for period romances, most of them a little too damsel in distress with no backbone for her, but this is one that she can appreciate. Plus, Keira Knightly is pretty much the greatest at being in movies that aren’t modern. The woman wouldn’t know how to act in a movie where cell phones exists.

(Okay, maybe she would, but that’s entirely beside the point.)

Ruby and Graham go to bed before the movie is even over, Ruby falling asleep on the couch with chip crumbs on her shirt, and Graham has to coax her into getting up, telling her that she’s not going to be able to move her neck in the morning if she doesn’t move. Ruby pretty much tells him to fuck off in that charming way that she has, but she does get up, slowly wandering back down the hallway to their bedroom until the door shuts behind her.

She and Killian manage to make it until the end, and even though she’s been up since early this morning and spent so much time outside, Emma’s not tired. She’s not tired as she and Killian move to clean up their food, wrapping up the leftovers and putting them in the fridge, before moving back to her own bedroom so that they can go through their routines to get ready for bed. Emma kind of feels like they’ve been spending most of their nights together even though she knows that it’s not true. It’s been two or three times a week, mostly depending on her schedule or Killian’s game schedule, and it’s not something they ever really plan.

But she likes having him here or likes being over at his place, even though she isn’t the best at sharing the comforter or not sprawling out in the middle of the bed, and it’s a nice thing to get to have someone to spend time with like this.

Today has been a good day.

Killian is in bed before her, the white of her comforter pulled up over his lap to cover his sweatpants, and instead of getting under the covers herself, Emma moves to straddle his lap, placing her knees on either side of his thighs while her hand plays with the chain around his neck, moving the cool metal back and forth in her palm.

Killian arches his right brow at her, that side of his lips tugging up to, and it makes her laugh before she places her hands on his bare shoulders all the while Killian reaches up to tuck her loose strands of hair behind her ear, thumb running across her cheekbone in a gentle motion.

His eyes could not possibly be more blue.

“What is it that you think you’re doing, Swan?”

“What do you mean?”

A low hum comes from Killian as the hand that’s not caressing her cheek moves to her waist, snaking up underneath her t-shirt to rest against the bare skin of her stomach.

“This position isn’t exactly indicative of us going to bed.”

“Is it not?” Emma teases, dipping her head down to press her lips to the tip of his nose. “Because I’m very comfortable right now.”

She does a pointed roll of her hips and revels in the way that Killian’s eyes shut at the movement.

“I think the queso is getting to that head of yours.”

Emma shrugs. “Maybe.”

“Definitely.”

And then Killian is tugging her closer and moving his lips over hers, soft and slow and completely and utterly thorough while his hand tangles into her hair, fingers pulling at the strands, and her hands move from his shoulders to his neck, holding him steady. He tastes like her toothpaste, far too minty, and his skin smells like the soap she keeps next to her sink that definitely should not be used for skincare. It’s weirdly refreshing for him to smell like her things, if not a little overwhelming. Last week she used Killian’s bodywash when she was at his place because she didn’t have any of her own, and while she used to be entirely attracted to the smell, carrying it around on her all day was far too overwhelming.

How do men live smelling that strongly of some kind of Irish spring or mountain brook?

That’s not how either of those things smell either. Or, at least, she thinks.

But that’s entirely beside the point when shivers are spreading across her body at the feeling of Killian’s tongue moving inside her mouth. It’s warm and wet against hers, the feeling that same high that she always seems to be chasing with him, and her fingers inch up his neck to curl into the thick strands of his hair while she groans.

“Bloody hell do I love that sound.”

Heat immediately rises to her cheeks, but it’s also curling between her thighs at the heady sound of Killian’s voice and the demanding pressure of his kiss as his legs shift beneath them to move the two of them until Emma’s back is pressed against the mattress and Killian is hovering over her, his lips trailing across the expanse of skin at her neck that has the simmering heat between them continuing all the while Emma tries to catch her breath.

Every time she thinks she’s got it back, though, Killian nips at her collarbone or nibbles on her ear, and it all evaporates into thin air.

“Oh fuck,” Killian grunts, and Emma takes it as an invitation to trace her nails along his back, pressing her hips up to his to get a little more friction. “No, love, fuck.”

Her eyes snap to him at the more pained exasperation in his voice, and it’s then that Emma realizes that he’s stopped kissing her neck and has his forehead pressed there instead, his body not moving over hers.

“Hey, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“My,” he grits, his voice dark but not in the way that she wants it to be, “leg is fucking cramping.”

Emma doesn’t mean to, not really, but the laugh bubbles from deep within her belly until it’s passing through her lips and she can’t contain herself. It’s not really even funny. Cramps and weird noises and all of that jazz are as normal as can be during sex – don’t even get her started on lock jaw – but it’s usually not when they’ve only been making out for five minutes. This is some kind of new record.

“I’m glad you’re so amused by my pain, love.”

“No, no,” she laughs, wishing that she hadn’t but still not able to stop herself, “I promise you I’m not.”

“Then what the bloody hell are you laughing at?”

“Your pain.”

Killian groans before rolling off of her, the loss of his body heat immediate, and she watches as his arm reaches up to pinch the bridge of his nose, his eyes still shut so tightly that those little crinkles have shown up around his skin. It’s adorable even if he’d probably like to chop his leg off right now.

“I hate you.”

“That is entirely untrue,” Emma sighs, leaning down to brush her lips over his cheek before moving across the mattress so that she can grab onto Killian’s leg and rest his calf on her lap, fingers digging into the flesh to start to massage it. “I have it on good authority that you love me in spite of all of the weird things about me like the fact that I laugh at your cramps.”

Killian’s hand moves from his face until his arm is flopping against the mattress in what has to be the most dramatic fashion in the world. “That’s probably the least weird thing about you.”

“Oh yeah? What’s the weirdest?”

Killian props himself up on his elbows, his eyes obviously taking her in as he thinks, and she squeezes his calf a little bit too hard in response. “You put too much creamer in your coffee.”

“That’s a cop out answer.”

“Nope. It’s my honest to God answer, love. That is the weirdest thing about you.”

“The weirdest thing about you is the fact that you organize your t-shirts by year that you got them instead of color or putting your favorites up front.”

“I don’t believe I asked for your opinion on that.”

“No,” Emma shrugs, squeezing his calf where she can see the muscles twitching, “you didn’t, but I thought I’d give you my opinion anyways since you’re not being honest with me about what you find weird about me.”

Killian rolls his eyes before falling back down to the mattress, strands of hair falling over his forehead. “You have too many blankets. It’s not…I mean, you do a million little things that are different or quirky, but I don’t find any of them weird. Not really. But you collect a hell of a lot of blankets. You’ve probably spent thousands of dollars on them. I swear, you’ve brought a different blanket on every road trip we’ve had this year.”

“That is not weird.”

“Neither is my t-shirt thing.”

“Agree to disagree,” she sighs, pulling a pillow behind her back so that she’s not hunching over. “And you have never complained about having use of one of my blankets before.”

“Nor you my t-shirts.”

“This is true.” Emma keeps working at Killian’s calf, feeling the muscled skin under her fingertips, and she figures now might be the time to talk to him about Ruth. It’s not like he can run away. Well, he could, but she could probably run faster than him now. “So, I wanted to talk to you about something.”

Killian’s body stiffens. “And you saved it for when I can’t run away?”

Great minds think alike.

“Yes, because I knew you were going to cramp while we were making out.”

She rolls her eyes but still smiles at the way Killian’s forehead is wrinkled with the raise of his brows. His face can hold so many different expressions – from soft to broody and from sexy to amused – and she likes that he often gives away what’s going on in his mind through them, even if he doesn’t always.

“You are evil like that.”

“I know,” Emma shrugs before putting a little more pressure on Killian’s calf so that he groans. Definitely a different groan than what was happening before. “So, Ruth texting me today and asked if when I wanted to come visit. She’s been on me about it for a few months now even with her coming here, but I probably should go home when the season is over. And I was wondering if you wanted to come with me.”

They’re simple words, but the weight behind them makes Emma feel like she’s just been run over by a truck.

She’s absolutely great at being an adult.

The best.

Her heart is probably going to implode.

“Well,” Killian sighs, propping himself up on his elbows again, “I’d have to check my calendar. You know, I am a very popular man, and many women ask me to go home with them to meet their mothers. I have to make sure that I’m not scheduled to do that with someone else.”

“Asshole,” Emma huffs as she slaps Killian’s leg and pushes it off of her lap so that she can get off the bed. “You’re an asshole.”

“I’m feeling a little bit of de ja vu with you calling me that.”

“You deserve it.”

“Hey,” he sighs, stretching across the bed to grab at the bottom of her t-shirt until he pulls her back down onto the bed with him so that she roughly lands on the mattress and against Killian’s knee. It’s not exactly comfortable, but Killian shifts and caresses her cheeks with his hands, pushing her hair back while he looks at her. “I’m kidding. I would love to get to go to Portland with you to meet Ruth. I really do have to check my schedule, especially with how we do in the post-season, but I’m more than happy to go with you and get to hear all kinds of stories about you as a teenager.”

“Yeah, you’re not allowed to ask for any stories when we go.”

“I’m one hundred percent asking for stories.”

“No. You can’t do that because – ”

Killian doesn’t let her finish her protest, pulling her forward to press his lips into hers, a soft yet insistent thing that has her forgetting her argument. He’s good at that. Probably too good, but that’s definitely something she’ll address at another time.

A time when he’s not doing that thing with his tongue and his teeth that she likes so much.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Emma stops, possibly against her better judgement, and Killian pulls back only to bury his face in her shoulder.

“W-what?”

“My leg is cramping.”

Killian groans into her neck before wrapping his arms around Emma’s waist and pulling her down alongside him so that they’re a tangle of limbs that very well may never be unwrapped. She wouldn’t mind that either, not if she can stay in the dim light of her bedroom with Killian holding onto her and looking at her like she put the stars in the sky and tells them to glow every night.

No one has ever looked at her that way before.

Ever.

She’s really damn happy.

“I love you,” Killian breathes out, and her heart metaphorically skips a beat while she reaches for his chain between them so that she can run the metal between her fingers. “More than anything, I think.”

Well damn. Who knew three little words added to those big three words could completely change the meaning of it all? Or, at least, amplify them.

“I love you too, twenty-nine.”

Killian shifts again, pressing his back into her and pulling her closer, as if that was possible, and she can feel the scruff on the underside of his chin pressing into her temple while he intertwines their fingers and moves their joined hands to rest between her breasts.

“I’m serious, Emma. I know…” Killian takes a deep breath, one that she can feel in her own bones, and she has to swallow down the emotion that she feels at just the gravely sound of his voice. “Thank you for trusting me enough to take this shot with me. I haven’t been this happy in a long time, and I kind of thought that I’d reached the pinnacle of happiness last year when we won.”

“I mean, you did win the World Series,” she says, trying to play off some of the emotions she’s feeling. “What could be better than that?”

“Don’t you know, Emma?” Killian speaks into her hair, pressing a kiss there that has her lashes fluttering closed against her cheeks. “It’s you.”

[beautifulletdownfics]

‘someday, someday’ :: tumblr edition, #23

“Home grown Rock to the rhythm, and bop to the beat of the radio You ain't got the slang but you got the face to play the role You can play with me And all the bros Try for the courage and try for charity's tight clothes She got a hat and all he has is his asshole She'll be a' boppin to me”

Harry had the radio up almost obnoxiously loud as we made our way down the M6 toward London.

He held the steering wheel steady with one hand as he sang along to the Kings of Leon song. I was thinking about all the moments Georgie and I were told off for playing this song too loud in my living room when we were in high school. Harry knew the lyrics much better than I was able to recall and I found myself barely able to keep up with him.

He looked happy and relaxed, he’d given his mum a long hug before we left her house and she was coming down to London to see her children at the end of January. Anne gave me a hug as well and told me not to let her son eat all the gingerbread in the car on the way home.

The song changed and I sat up further in my seat, “Yes!”

Harry’s eyes left the road to momentarily look at me with an easy smile, “You know, I would have bet my life on you being a Lily Allen fan.”

“What self respecting young English person isn’t?”

“You are incredibly musically compatible with my sister, it’s a little scary,” His eyes went back to the road but Harry’s smile remained.

“I remember being like ten or eleven when this song came out,” I told him, “And I was meant to be learning Mahler’s 5 and instead I was trying to play the horn and sax parts in this song one after the other.”

“As in, at the same time?” “Playing a phrase and then swapping to the other instrument to play the other, yes,” I laughed, “It’s not really possible, not it you want to keep up with the song at least.”

“What’s Mahler’s 5?” Harry asked, “Sorry, I have no idea about … He’s a composer, right? I want to learn this stuff.”

“Harry,” I said quietly, feeling my tummy drop with feeling at him wanting to learn about music that mattered to me but knowing that it wasn’t particularly cool, “You don’t need to … It’s not everyone’s thing—”

“—I want to learn about your thing,” He interrupted quickly, “I want to be able to enjoy it too and talk about it with you. Can you play it?” “Play it?”

Harry passed me his phone, “It’ll be on Spotify right? Or Youtube? I want to hear what you were learning when you were … ten.”

He said my age like it was something he couldn’t quite believe, and adulthood had also given me an understanding of how strange it was for a ten year-old to be learning an orchestra suite. But it hadn’t felt strange to me at the time.

“Gustav Mahler,” I started slowly, thumbing through Spotify to find what I was looking for, “He was a German composer in the 19th and 20th centuries. He’s a touchy one sometimes because people don’t like that he took certain liberties and … borrowed themes and techniques from other composers but really I think he was just inspired by the giants around him.”

Harry listened quietly, “And ‘5’ I’m guessing is a symphony?”

“It is,” I replied, having found what I was looking for I waited for a moment before pressing play, “Are you sure you want to listen to this? Your music was much more fun.”

“I want to hear it,” He insisted firmly.

“Okay,” I let out a deep breath, “So, Symphony No. 5 was written 1901/1902 and it’s beautiful. He was recovering from a haemorrhage of some sort … I can’t remember what,” I trailed off nervously, unsure why I was feeling so scattered by the thought of doing this with Harry, he reached over and ran the palm of his hand down the back of my head and held it at the base of my neck for a moment in a calming motion, “He used to do this thing … He would have the key of the movement be ambiguous and flow from something ridiculous like C# Major to a D Major by the finale, it’s called ‘progressive tonality’ and in his day people hated him for it … Now it’s used by nearly everyone, especially in pop music.”

“You mean in the 19th Century people didn’t like key changes?” “They hated them,” I confirmed. Harry’s understanding was simplistic, but he’d cottoned on to the main gist of it.

“I’m putting a key change in every single song I write from now on, Mahler’s my man.”

I laughed, “People thought it was a messy deviation,” I explained further, “They wanted the movement to close neatly in the same key so they felt like the suite was resolved. A change of key felt like leaving something behind or … Unfinished business.”

“So they were all very Type A,” Harry joked.

“Composers are all about control, which is a beautiful juxtaposition to musicians who are all rebels and want to put their own flare on things,” I grinned, “If everyone played straight music wouldn’t make you feel anything.”

Harry pulled his hand away from me and pointed to the phone, he wriggled back in his seat like he was getting comfortable, “I’m ready. Play me a symphony.”

“The whole thing?” “Of course,” He reached forward and made a few adjustments to the sound system.

The first movement started and by the tenth note from the first trumpet I dropped my head back and closed my eyes. It was one of my favourite openings to a symphony, which was definitely biased to my love for the sound of a trumpet leading an orchestra. I knew what it felt like to have the power of all those instruments behind you, knowing they were waiting on and listening in on you to know their queue. To feel the orchestra push up under me was when I felt strongest, happiest and most alive.

At the end of the first suite I opened my eyes and looked over to Harry. I couldn’t read the expression on his face.

“Are you bored?” I asked, “We can change it.”

His arm came out to touch my shoulder, “No, I’m listening. Don’t touch it.”

I watched him for a second longer, before settling back into my spot, not quite believing Harry could be as interested in what I loved as he was. It felt oddly wonderful to be sharing it with him.

For the next hour we sat with the symphony playing, I liked the fact that Harry let it play, he didn’t talk over it or think of it as background music as classical was so often reduced to. By the time the fifth and final movement came to a close and the car was filled with silence I was picking at my nails nervously waiting for Harry to say something.

“Wow,” He cleared his throat when his voice had been a croak, “It … It really makes you feel things, doesn’t it?”

My shoulders relaxed instantly at hearing the deliberative tone of his voice, “Tolstoy said ‘Music is the shorthand of emotion.’”

Harry’s eyebrows raised slightly, “He got that right. There’s so much power to it, I feel like I’ve been missing out. I felt like I was going to cry for about three quarters of it. It’s so … strong … It’s powerful.”

“Someone else said something about how classical music is the best, cheapest, mind-altering drug in the world,”  I added.

“See if they marketed it like that …” Harry trailed off with a a laugh. “That was beautiful though. Play me another.”

I thought for a moment about where to take him next, “You’re going to need tissues for this one.”

++

When I started recognising the area in London where Harry lived he surprised me by turning down a different street and eventually pulling up at a line of shops. It had just turned 6pm and there were a number of restaurants with people going in and out periodically.

Harry picked up his phone and was searching for something on it which he eventually found and showed me.

“Let’s get some takeaway, I don’t have anything at home. Here’s the menu, it’s my favourite pizza in London,” He dropped the phone into my hand and waited while I had a look through.

“I’ll eat anything,” I eventually told him, “Just pick your favourites and we’ll share.”

Harry nodded and took the phone back, scrolling around for a moment before holding it up to his ear as he called in the order. I had expected that we would go in to order, but as soon as Harry was greeting whoever answered his call it clicked into place that he was avoiding the extended time in a public place. I didn’t like to think it had anything to do with my being with him and as though he could read where my head was at as soon as Harry hung up he reassured me.

“They’re lovely,” He said, “I order from them all the time. They’re just … A bit much to wait in front of for twenty minutes. You’ll see when we go in.”

Harry spend the wait time quizzing me on what my New York wishlist was for our trip. We hadn’t spoken about it really since we had exchanged gifts the evening before. I still felt quite daft for the coffee table book I’d given him and the thirty pound, token M&S voucher.

He was sprouting off names of places and all the best things to do with such excitement I couldn’t help but think that the trip was as much for Harry as for me. He was practically buzzing beside me, the joy at thinking about how to share one of his favourite places with me was evident. I tried not to think about the expense involved, or the fact that we hadn’t put any labels on our relationship yet. Everything pointed to that happening soon though.

When twenty-five minutes had passed Harry cracked open his door and told me to follow him.

He started walking up the street a few steps ahead of me and I laughed as I took in his gait in a new way.

“What?” Harry turned back to look at what I was laughing at.

“You walk like a pigeon,” I told him and poked his arm accusingly.

“Your mind is a crazy place, Nina Lawrence,” Harry told me with a happily doubtful look on his face. “Tell me, how am I like a pigeon?”

I laughed again, “You know how ducks and ... Well, all birds I think. When they walk they like, move their head forward a bit,” I demonstrated but put a stupid pout on my face while I did to make him laugh.

He did.

“What?” Harry shook his head as he looked down at me.

“Yeah,” I nodded, feeling more comfortable, “They can’t take a step without their head moving forward too. You walk like this,” I rocked my head up and down while taking the biggest steps I could muster. “But like, in fast forward,” I waved my hands to show him how much faster it was when he did it.

“I don’t walk anything like that!” He defended himself quickly, crossing his arms over his chest and frowning at me.

“Ah,” I drew out playfully, “Yes, you do.”

“You’re just grumpy ‘cause you have the leg­span of a toddler!” He accused.

“I’m just saying,” I jabbed his side before pressing my whole body against his side, he draped his arm over my shoulder and dragged me back towards him.

“So sensitive about walking,”  Harry shook his head fondly and kept me against his side as we started walking again at a painstakingly slow pace.

One might say a little too leisurely. When I looked at him though I quickly realised his snail pace was deliberate.

“Harry,” I laughed.

“What?” he feigned ignorance. He was swaying us back and forth across the mostly empty footpath, we were getting nowhere but something about the streetlights on my face, Harry’s scent all around me and his arm across my shoulder had me letting him hold me there instead of pulling away like I might normally have done.

Eventually he evened us out and we walked at a comfortable speed, but Harry kept his arm lazily around me, “These guys try to marry me off to their granddaughter nearly every time I go in so … And maybe tonight after that little performance from you I might finally oblige them.”

He dropped my shoulder as we got to the door of the Italian Bistro, Harry opened the door and held it there for me to walk though. Inside was small and a touch dark, but it smelled delicious and there was a comfortable crackle of people talking and laughing at their tables.

The large, open wood-fire pizza oven was at the front of the restaurant, making the whole area toasty and warm. Harry walked around me to the counter, holding up a hand to an older man towards the back of the room.

“Alright, Sam?” He said to him, then turning to the young guy manning the oven, “Hiya, I’ve got a pickup.”

“Mr Harry,” Sam had limped his way up to us, “It’s a beautiful night for the greatest pizza in the world!”

“It sure is,” Harry agreed, shaking his hand and then pulling out his wallet to pay, “I’ve brought you a new customer.”

Sam’s attention turned to me, standing a step behind Harry, “Hello,” I said.

Harry turned back to me and put a hand on my back, “This is Nina, Sam. Neens, Sam makes the best pizza in London.” “The world!” Sam corrected, taking my hand and holding it out in front of me, “You’ve brought your lovely lady to me … Now, tell me, you’re a film star?”

“Me?” I cried in shock, shaking me head quickly, “No. No … I’m … I’m not, I’m nobody … I—”

—Nina’s a musician,” Harry told him slowly but held a hand up to his own chest straight after, “Not like me though. She plays in an orchestra. She’s a virtuoso.”

Sam’s eyes lit up, “Virtuoso! Bella! Italia’s greatest Maestro Giuseppe Verdi was born in my home town, Le Roncole. Do you know of him?”

“I do,” I confirmed with a smile, “His operas are magnificent.”

“Ah!” Sam closed his eyes for a moment in wistful happiness, “Listen to Verdi and forget time has passed.”

Harry was looking delighted at the exchange, three pizza boxes were balanced in the palm of one of his hands while his other was still resting comfortably on my back. I felt him grab at the material of my jumper and tug it gently.

“We’ll be back again soon, Sam,” Harry said, “Thank you for dinner.”

“Ah,” Sam waved, “Next time you bring your lady in, sit down at a table like a proper date!”

“I’ve got a table at home,” Harry grinned.

“But no Sam!” Sam yelled back happily, making a few heads at tables turn our way.

Harry was laughing and shaking his head as we approached his car outside.

“I can see what you mean about waiting for the order inside.”

“He’s a character,” Harry agreed.

It took less than five minutes to get back to Harry’s house, which was dark from him having been away for the week. He led me through the front door, flicking on a few sets of lights and then moving through to the kitchen. He put the pizza boxes on the bench and moved around to fix a few things up like move a plant out of the sink of water he’d left it in and crack the window for some fresh air.

I slid up onto one of the stools and started flipping open the pizza boxes in front of me.

“I’m hungry,” I said, “And this smells delicious. Do all that later, come eat, Harry.”

He turned to face me from the pantry doorway, just as he was about to say whatever was on his tongue he paused and looked at me for a few seconds.

“What?” I asked, tugging my jumper and sitting up a little taller at his inspection.

“I quite like you sitting in my kitchen being bossy,” was all he said.

“Oh,” I replied dumbly, my confidence hitching for a second but then Harry moved over and pulled himself up next to me. “Well, you’re lucky I haven’t made a comment about how presumptuous of you it was to just assume I was going to stay here tonight.”

“Stay here? Who said anything about you staying here?” Harry took a comically large bite of pizza and looked at me down his nose, his eyebrows high but eyes dancing with mirth. “I’m driving you home after this. There was no presumption here, just being a nice guy and feeding you.”

I picked up my own piece and kicked his foot with mine.

“If anyone’s been presumptuous here it’s you, Miss Lawrence,” Harry continued gleefully.

“I hate you sometimes,” I told him, reaching down to feel for the floor before slipping out behind him, “Would you like a drink?”

“Help yourself, by all means,” Harry waved his hand across the kitchen with a huge smirk on his face, a smudge of tomato paste across the top of his lip he pulled away with his thumb.

As I filled two glasses with water at the tap I tried my best to give him a menacing glare. Harry pretended not to notice and continued to feed himself without saying anything further.

Just before I was able to get back up into my seat, Harry swivelled around and trapped me between his thighs. When he kissed me it was slow, but powerful in the way it seemed to overwhelm me in the moment. His arms were all the way around my waist and hooked into my sides snuggly, my hands moved up and around his shoulders. I found myself sinking into the feeling of our chests pressed together, and the pressure that came from Harry holding us as one piece. After a few moments, one of Harry’s hands came up to my face to hold me closer, but he had obviously forgotten about the apple Laykn threw. I winced and pulled back from him sharply when his fingers got a little too close to my bruised cheek.

“Shit, Nina,” Harry reached for me to come back towards him immediately, his lips smacked together, “I’m sorry. I didn’t think. Let me see it, sorry. I won’t touch it.”

My eyes were watering from the tender flesh having been interfered with, but I swallowed most of it back, “It’s alright. Shocked me is all.”

“Are you sure it’s okay?” He murmured, his eyes inspecting it with a guilty shimmer, “Do you have a headache at all? Dizzy?”

“It’s okay,” I ghosted my fingers across the skin below where the low, throbbing pain ran through my cheek. “I think it’ll hurt for a few days yet.”

“I’m sorry,” He said again.

“Don’t be, I was enjoying that kiss,” I leant back against his chest and waited for Harry to lower his lips back to mine.

He hummed against me for the first moment, then carefully took me back into the same position as before. Our mouths dancing as our bodies sank together. Harry’s hands sank lower down my body, rounding the curve of my arse and holding it after a lovely, encouraging squeeze. I could feel him growing hard between us through his trousers, which was a snag my brain kept getting ensnared on as I told myself to focus on the moment.

“Neens,” As though Harry could sense my head was elsewhere, he pulled back for a moment to inspect my face, “Do you trust me?” He asked, breathless and switching his eyes between my eyes and my lips.

I nodded at him quickly, not really thinking about what he could’ve meant until the three seconds after my response, when Harry’s eyes hooded and he swallowed thickly. He came back to me and captured my lips in his hotly, swirling his tongue with the perfect amount of pressure over mine.

“Trust me still?” He hurried out, giving the hip he had a grip on a squeeze, his other hand pressed over my collarbone just below my shoulder.

I nodded again and felt my chest expand with an involuntary breath as his hand started down my body, curving neatly around the side of my breast instead of traveling straight down over it like I immediately wished he had.

“You’re so beautiful,” He told me quietly.

I nodded again. Sure my words wouldn’t work, it felt like everything inside me was churning. Harry leant down and kissed me, slow and careful, as though he was trying to sort something out in his head. When he pulled away, there were two frown lines between his eyebrows as both his hands rested where my hip bones sat.

“What are you thinking?” Harry asked.

“The food,” I thought of the pizza getting cold.

He smiled, “Pizza is really good reheated. Everyone says so.”

“I’m not thinking anything else,” I managed to get out clumsily, eliciting a small laugh from Harry.

He steadied himself with a rough cough and a second of diverting his gaze away from mine, “I think that’s a good thing for you, Nina.” His fingers delicately came up to trace the outside of my face, “You get so caught up in this brilliant mind of yours you back yourself out of what’s happening in front of you. I wanna help you to not think so much and feel this with me … Can I? I promise it will be amazing,” Harry’s lips pressed to the shell of my ear and I stumbled closer to him from the sheer intimacy of it.

“What do you want, Harry?” I asked.

“You,” He replied urgently, though his voice was low and quiet. “I want you.”

“You’ve got me, Harry.” I smiled, somewhat bravely, latching my hands around the base of his neck gently.

His breath hitched, “I swear to God, Nina, tell me we should stop and I’ll go back to being the perfect gentleman,”

“I don’t want to stop,” I slipped my hands underneath the material at Harry’s neck, sprawling my fingers out across his back. I pulled him down into another kiss, pressing myself closer to his chest.

“Your hands are shaking, Neens,” He grabbed at my wrist and pulled it down, holding my own hand out in front of my face. My eyes focused in on my trembling fingers. “Why are you scared?”

“I’m nervous,” I corrected, “Not scared. Like, good nervous, you know?”

“Good nervous,” Harry repeated slowly.

“I don’t want to fuck this up,” I continued faintly.

He let out a quick breath, “You’re not gonna fuck anything up, Nina.”

“Well, what are you stuttering about then?”

Harry smiled fondly and shook his head, if anything looking embarrassed, “I don’t want to do anything you’re not ready for. But I don’t want you to be too shy to ask for what you want.”

“I want you,” I waited for a beat before scrunching up my nose at him.

“Yeah?” He kissed me firmly.

“Yes,” I mumbled when our lips broke apart from my single nod in confirmation.

Harry watched me, but only for a second before his hands found my sides and his lips descended on mine again. I felt his warm palms move up underneath my shirt and slowly move up, keeping his grip firm in a comforting way. I moved my hands back to behind his neck, liking the way it forced his chest to press on mine and his thighs to tighten around my hips.

“You’re so beautiful, Nina,” He murmured against the skin on my neck, “So. Damn. Beautiful.” He kissed further down with each word.

“Harry,” I breathed, if only to get him know I liked him being where he was.

“Fuck, babe … Slow, yeah?”

I tightened my arms around his neck, and sucked in a breath when one of Harry’s hands smoothed further up my chest than it ever had before. I almost thought he was going to hesitate for a minute, but he pushed his fingers up and traced the skin along the underside of my breast, underneath my bralette, running his knuckles back along it each time.

I pulled his chin back up to mine, and directed our mouths together, letting Harry steer us into an unhurried open mouth kiss that stirred warmth through me just as he moved his hand to cover me fully. I couldn’t help the way my body seemed to move my chest against him even more, but our lips tore apart when I moved my hips up and against him, feeling the outline of him completely.

“Upstairs,” He mumbled, his hand slipping out from my shirt, “We’re not doing this in my kitchen.”

“Lead the way,” I told him softly, taking a step back only to have Harry immediately jump down, press up against me and kiss me hard again. After a moment he took one of my hands and started skipping his way up stairs, dragging me along behind him.

He marched us right up to the door to his bedroom and by the time I walked in ahead of him I was struggling to keep my laughter at Harry’s urgency in. It wasn’t until I turned back to watch him follow me in that I was unable to contain the giggles.

“What?” He demanded gruffly, yanking his jumper and shirt up together all the way up over his chest before his head disappeared and he nearly crashed into me. His tattoos were right in front of me then, and I trailed my eyes over them, smiling at the Give Way sign; Harry’s reminder in humility, to let others in first. It was then I also noticed the texture of his skin, and the hairs on his chest, the small roll of skin at his lower belly and the way his stomach was indented slightly just next to each of his hip bones. They were all signs that he was in shape, but there was a bigger element of what I saw that recognised it was just Harry. All these beautiful markings on his skin and intricacies to his body that were now only mine to see.

“In a hurry?” I managed to blurt out when Harry’s fingers reached for both my hands and intertwined our fingers.

“Yes,” He replied simply, but I then saw him think better of it, “But also no, not at all.”

I laughed again which had Harry squeezing my hands and then pulling me up against him again. His bare collar bones were at eye height for me and I placed a kiss on each one before looking back up at him. He brought our hands slowly around my back and when I didn’t announce any discomfort at the move Harry placed his forehead carefully against the undamaged side of mine.

“You’re something else,” Harry said under his breath.

He dropped my hands at the same time he captured my lips in another kiss, and as the kiss progressed and Harry’s hands found their way back up and under my shirt my own traced the toned panes of his back, feeling where his muscles moved as he explored me. Just as my hands were making their way around to the front of his belt, Harry’s lifted together and he broke our mouths apart long enough to tell me to put my arms up.

My jumper and shirt were peeled off expertly and I sucked in a breath at the feeling of my tummy meeting Harry’s bare skin. He was looking down at my chest, his chest rising and falling in shallow, quick breaths.

“No, let me,” He said, reaching for where my own hands had gone behind my back to pull apart the clasps holding my bra together. Harry lent down to place a delicate kiss against the lace of the cup on my left breast, “It’s pretty, but I’m gonna need it to bugger off.”

“Chivalry is not dead,” I said dryly, jumping when I felt his fingers snapping the material free, he pulled the garment off to the side without breaking eye contact with me.

“Don’t get mouthy with me,” He returned with a smile, still not looking down at me as he nudged my knees and walked forward into me, my legs didn’t understand what he was doing though, and Harry ended up nearly toppling over me. His arm wound strong around my back and pulled me against his chest as he walked towards the bed. I could feel the skin of my chest meet his, all the softness of me meeting his firm body. “Get up,” Harry said simply, finally looking down at my naked chest as I shuffled up onto the bed in front of him.

“Stop staring,” I told him, watching his face and waiting for his eyes to meet mine again.

When they did his smile was sultry and made my insides coil, he crawled up next to me and when he reached my eye level he stopped and looked back down at me greedily, “I absolutely will not do that.”

I raised my left hand and ran the knuckles across his stomach, over his belly button and to the other hip. It sucked in under my touch and I found myself unable to stop watching it happen. After my third swipe across he leant away for a moment to stop my movements with a wide palm, he held both our hands against his skin.

“You really can’t keep doing that, I’ll embarrass myself,” Harry said into my ear, his skin was warm, and his eyelashes scrapped lightly against my cheek as his breaths came out in ragged puffs, not staying in any rhythm I could learn. The pads of his fingers started moving over my chest and felt though they were made to be there, slow and skilled. Nothing felt rushed, or like it was a means to an end.

Harry sunk back onto his elbows, propping them up somewhere just below where my shoulders were and with the movement came a deepening of the warm fizzing running through me. He pulled back and frowned, like I might’ve been pulling him away, instead of just in a different direction. I moved my fingers down his wrists, feeling the veins on the backs of his hands and slipping my fingers through his; all while slipping his palms down to my hips again.

Harry paused there, and I felt him hook his fingers around the top of my jeans, his eyes holding mine unwavering, "Neens."

Harry's thumbs traced up passed my belly button, instead of replying I pushed my hips up off the mattress, giving him permission to undo the button and zip. He grunted his way through pulling the jeans down and over my hips.

"Sit up for me," His voice cracked slightly, moving up off me and sitting back on his thighs.

I could feel my chest moving up and down when I sat up in front of him, Harry slowly leaning forward and peeling my jeans all the way down my legs. I set my eyes on the beaks of the swallows on his chest, holding my breath when he threw them to the side and then lightly traced his hands back up the length of my legs. I let out all my air slowly once Harry's palms squeezed on the top of my thighs, my body almost completely bare to him.

"This isn't a very flattering position," I said, still avoiding Harry's eye and thinking there was no way he would be able to deny noticing the bad angles; my tummy bunched, back curved and breasts falling free against my chest.

Before I could look up, Harry leant forward and pressed his forehead to mine, trapping my body between his arms when he rested his palms flat on the bed behind me, “Nina, there is literally nothing about you that’s unflattering right now.”

“Not even my bruisey face?” I mumbled quietly, transfixed by the look in Harry’s eyes, the one that was full of a desire made my nerve endings stand on end.

He shook his head and his hair fell over his forehead, “Not even your beautiful, bruised face.”

I almost had time to smile before his lips were on mine, slow and careful but just the right amount of urgency. Just a moment later our bodies were entwined again, pressed together with tangled limbs and breathing out of sync. I fumbled for a few moments, regaining a sense of where my hands should go and what they should be doing to keep Harry moving against me like he was, and to keep eliciting the little noises of encouragement from him.

And that’s what he was, encouraging. Harry took his time, directing my hands in the right directions, moulding our bodies together in the right ways. His breath whispered against my cheek, my breasts, my stomach; “You’re beautiful. Fuck, yes, keep doing that. Neens, you ‘kay?” Then, there were the giggles, the ticklish spots and the logistics that didn’t work out. Harry’s teeth flashed my way and he said, “Let’s try that again.”

But it was Harry, and it was me, and nothing felt forced or overwhelmingly awkward. Our growing confidence with each other’s bodies was a tangible thing between us, with my movements becoming increasingly teasing as Harry took his time making every part of me feel good. My hands kept playing at the waistband of his jeans, fingers exploring the skin just below it, blushing at the way he forced his hips closer to mine with each touch from me.

I rang my fingers lower again, feeling the rougher hairs below and after a series of other little questions that came in the form of lingering gazes and fumbled, hesitant touches, Harry stopped and sat back with his hands covering the skin of my inner thighs, “Lie back.” I did as I was told without thinking very much, Harry pushed up on his arms and then stood at the base of the bed. Clumsily,  he pushed down his jeans and stepped out of them. I watched him quietly, taking in the rest of Harry’s body as it was revealed to me, he stood in just his dark underwear. Strong thighs and long, slim legs took a step closer to the bed and I released Harry was trying to get me to look up at him.

“Hi,” He smiled brilliantly, “How are you doing there?”

“Good,” I spoke under my breath but Harry heard me.

“Are you okay if I take these off, or would you prefer I …” He trailed off  with his fingers stuck just beneath the elastic waistline when I was more than a little taken aback by Harry being so forward in his questions, “I’ll leave it for now,” He decided, not missing a beat as he crawled back up the bed to me.

He kissed my nose lightly before pressing his lips firmly against mine. His hands ran up and down the length of my sides while he slowly started putting the weight of his body back against me now that the barrier of his jeans was gone. Feeling him firm beneath the fabric of his pants sent a rush down my body that settled and twisted at the base of my stomach.

I broke out kiss and trailed my lips over the skin of his collarbones again, opening my lips wider and smiling against his warmth when I felt Harry shudder through his next breath.

“Neens ...”

“Harry,” My lips moved almost up to his ear when I felt his hands round over my bum, squeezing a little tighter with each kiss I placed on him. His palms moved around to the inside of my thighs and gently started moving them apart, “Harry,” I repeated his name slowly.

He looked up at me from under his lashes and raised his eyebrows at me as he kissed his way down my tummy, his fingers lingering at my nipples. I closed my eyes involuntarily, trying to breathe through the moment.

Harry’s voice called me as he hooked his index fingers around the material at the seam of my underwear, “Nina? Can I?”

I struggled through a nod as I watched him, bringing my fingers down to hold his hair back off his face and tracing them along the redness flushing his cheekbones.

“Words,” He said urgently, “Nina, words, please.”

I tried to bring my legs together where his chest was lightly pressed against me, but it was in anticipation not shyness, “Yes. Harry.”

“We can stop, we don’t have to do everything all at once, it’s okay,” He was being serious, but I could feel him everywhere and I wanted to feel him even more.

“No,” I shook my head softly, “No. Harry, I want this now. Please,” It was my turn to say.

His movements were quick then, he tugged the garment down over my legs with little regard for where it ended up on his floor. I watched in awe as Harry settled his elbows on either side of my hips and pressed a kiss to my bikini line, just at the top of my leg.

“You smell amazing,” He said, not giving me a chance to reply before his mouth covered me.

Harry was slow in his movements at first, letting me settle into the realisation this wasn’t going to be a rushed job on his behalf. He seemed to be confident with a general idea for what felt good, I murmured to him, my hands reaching for the parts of him I could touch. With my hands latched around his wrists he built and took away pressure with annoyingly good technique.

“Harry,” I lifted my shoulders off the bed to reach for his head, pushing the hair off his forehead and holding his cheeks in my hands when he lifted his chin to meet my eye, “I’ll come if you keep going.” He grinned, a small laugh falling from his lips and I felt it where his chin rested against me, “Good. That’s the idea.”

“I ... I mean.”

“Nina, relax, yeah? This isn’t a race,” Harry said slowly, smiling to himself when I jumped at the feeling of his fingers running over where his mouth had been. “Does it feel good?”

“Yes,” I breathed, my hips jumping with the new sensation.

Harry kept a hand between my legs but rose up with the other, siding up to me and burying his head in my neck. He rose it to watch my reaction has he slowly slid a finger into me, curling it up as he brought it out again. My breath was laboured and he caught my mouth in a hot kiss, grinning against my lips when I broke away to let out a quiet moan.

“Shut up,” I huffed.

“You are so incredibly sexy,” He told me, sinking his finger back into me and finally working the hood of my clit again. His pressure was perfect and he wound a leg across my hips to keep me still. “Let me have it, Nina,” he kissed me again and worked all his movements a little quicker, encouraging me to give in to the feeling swirling through me.

I let out a cry as I gripped Harry’s triceps, surrendering to the dizzying rush and feeling the pleasant explosion through my core. Harry kissed at the corner of my mouth, gently continuing to work his fingers before bringing them slowly up my sides.

I lay still for a moment, watching Harry wordlessly watch me. He looked flushed as well, his eyes low but clear as he peppered kisses over my face. I locked my arms around his neck and pulled Harry down for a long kiss, loving the feeling of my breasts pressed against his chest. When I moved my legs to lock around his waist Harry took a shallow breath in between his teeth but I didn’t let him pull himself away from me.

Lost in the kiss again, the feeling of Harry’s hands moving back to my hips, his hand slipping between my legs to gently swirl again.

“Harry,” I tried to close my thighs, feeling sensitive as my body reacted to him again, the slow build rising again. “Harry, stop teasing.”

“I’m not teasing,” He smiled against my cheek, “I want to feel you.”

“Take your bloody pants off then,” I breathed hastily, hesitating as my hands ran down his chest and stopped at the waistband.

Harry laughed and rested his forehead against mine, “Fuck.”

For the second time he left me alone on the bed, I let out a quick puff of breath as he skirted across and ducked into his ensuite. He returned with two condoms, the square packets resting between his lips as he walked back and quicker than I had time to register, dropped his pants and stood back to smile at me.

“Two?” I asked.

“Can you imagine if there was something wrong with the first one?”

That made me laugh, because there wasn’t an ounce of insincerity in Harry’s voice.

“Happy?” He put condoms to the side where he would be able to reach them and then joined me on the bed again.

“Endlessly,” I replied, tilting my head up for a kiss. I reached down for him and pressed my lips against his chest when my fingers wrapping around him made Harry tense everywhere. I don’t think he had expected me to be so forward.

He held himself above me, resting his head on my shoulder while I slowly pumped him, paying attention to what made his breath hitch and where was sensitive for him. Harry’s hands bunched in the duvet and he swore under his breath, lowering his hips to meet mine and press our naked bodies together for the first time.

“Are you good?” He asked sweetly, his words barely separated from each other.

“Are you?”

“You’re literally killing me,” Harry replied, lazily rocking against me, “You didn’t answer my question though.”

“I’m great.”

Harry laughed at my chirpy response, “You’re a shit.”

“Harry,” I said, feeling his slightly damp forehead press to mine, his grey green eyes watching me with a fire behind them, “I want you,” I reached up and pulled a condom back between us.

He waited only a second before pulling back and sitting up on his knees, not noticing how my eyes flirted all over his body. His strong shoulders hunched over as he peeled the condom over himself, his chest taught and moving up and down more urgently than normal. When I felt him look back at me I couldn’t tear my eyes from his hands, holding this hard length and squeezing it once.

“Now who’s staring,” Harry whispered, kissing my stomach on his way back to my head, “If you ever look at me like that in public I swear to god …”

I kissed him, loving that he had one hundred percent delivered on his promise to get me out of my head and make me feel good. I felt fearless with him, lust the drug that my mind needed to leg go of the hangups and overthinking my brain was conditioned to fall into.

As Harry settled between my legs and ran his mouth along the shell of my ear and down my neck he said my name over and over, and I could hear myself saying his back. I felt him press his head against my chest so he could look down between us as he lined up to slowly push forward and slip into me.

I took in a long breath at the feeling, holding it where an unpleasant stretching rose through me. Harry held still, urging me to breathe out, telling me he wasn’t going to move.

“Tell me when,” He said, “Tell me.”

I held onto his chest tightly for a moment, waiting for Harry being inside me to feel comfortable. His fingers found my nipples, distracting my mind from one part of my body with pleasure at another. It worked, and slowly a rushed throbbing started where I felt him, the need for Harry to move pulling up and causing me to sigh deeply into his touch.

“Harry, go, move.”

Harry bit his lip firmly and kept his eyes on me as he started slowly swivelling his hips, watching for tells on my face that one angle felt better than another. It felt fantastic and I didn’t know where to settle my hands, so they reverted to the tracks they had been trailing earlier. His breaths came out in short, full puffs and I was pleased Harry was keeping us in missionary for our first time together; learning and feeling a body was best this way.

“Nina,” He murmured after a few minutes of being lost in each other’s bodies, “I’m not … You feel so good. I can’t …”

“Don’t hold it,” I told him, hating there was any trace of doubt in him. He felt where I was bringing my hand down between us and overtook it with his own, circling around my clit and looking at my face to see my reaction. “Fuck, you feel so good. Come for me again, Neens. ”

His name fell out of my mouth unintentionally when Harry changed the rhythm of his hips and his fingers at the same time, and orgasm came over me quickly when the feeling mixed with hearing Harry’s own pleasure and having his slick body move with mine.

He swore through his own orgasm and I shut my eyes at the sensation, the hand that wasn’t between us coming up to hold the hair at the back of my mouth. Harry easily directed my mouth to his and into a languid kiss, pulling out of me slowly but keeping the full body contact.

I could feel my own heartbeat in my ears as he pulled away, a content look on his face as he watched me for a second. I pulled my hair away from my face and shoulders to try to get some cooler air on them feeling none of the sleepiness I knew I should be. Harry’s watch had me feeling invigorated and bulletproof.

“Shower?” He asked slowly, licking his puffed lips and drawing a circle on my hip bone as he waited for a response.

I nodded and sat up onto my elbows, “And then pizza.”

“Oi,” Harry called to me as he rolled off the bed and stood, reaching for a few tissues and removing the condom, “No food talk so soon after me being inside you please, there has to be a grace period! Surely.”

That made me laugh, and as I darted passed him into the shower he made a swipe for me but missed.

++

The straps of Harry’s singlet was all tangled around my neck when I woke up.

The front was twisted over my shoulder leaving my chest cold and exposed to the cool air where the duvet had slipped down. I rolled over onto my back and tried to fix it all, shimming down to try to get myself further into the warmth. My thighs and arse ached pleasantly but there was a muted panic somewhere inside me, however small.

“Mmm, Nina,” Harry’s previously still form beside me rumbled to life, albeit slow and delayed in his movements. When he turned to face me, his eyes were closed and puffy from sleep. He wore a wide smile though, and a strangled hum gurgled from his throat, “Hi, g’mornin’”

“Hello,” I managed, sounding embarrassingly polite. I tucked my hands across my chest and underneath my arms, trying to cover myself adequately.

Under the covers Harry’s palm found the back of my thigh, he pulled it towards his body and forced it over his hip, “Don’t be so far away. It’s too early for that.”

“Yes, hello. Good morning,” I laughed nervously, suddenly every bit awake.

I was acutely aware that Harry had slept in nothing but a pair of thin, cotton pants. Last night’s boldness that had allowed me to be like this with Harry felt frail, the light of a new day had me trying to shimmy away from him.

I needed a moment to breathe.

“Nope,” His grip tightened and he pushed his chin into my neck when I pulled back more convincingly, “You’re not going anywhere. You’ve got nothing today. Nobody is expecting you anywhere.”

“I have to pee,” I thought on my feet, fingers sprawling out on his bare chest in a feeble attempt at creating some distance between us.

Harry hummed against my skin, “Okay ... But I’m gonna peek at your bum as you go.”

“Rude,” I choked out.

I felt the turning up of his lips over my collarbone and the fingers of the hand that rested dangerously close to my bottom fanned out as wide as they could, the tips of three of them pushing between my legs dangerously close to my core. My breathing hitched.

“Go on then,” Harry huffed out dramatically, rolling on his back and covering his face with a heavily draped forearm, “Leave me, see if I care.”

I shuffled myself away as quickly as possible, bracing myself for the coolness outside the duvet but hurried by the promise of a closed door and some space in Harry’s bathroom.

The tiles were heated, and had I been in a different mind frame I might have appreciated it, or rolled my eyes at the silly extravagance to some of Harry’s house. But right now I shut the door and sat down, leaning my back against the sink and vanity unit. My arms were cold, and my feet as well, but I was less concerned about that and more concerned about there being only so long before Harry started wondering what on earth I was doing in here.

I tilted my head back and stared at the bathroom lights above me, trying to pull all the pieces of my thudding heart, my racing head and my awkward body back together into one person.

One functioning human being.

I hadn’t heard the door open, “Who’s a functioning human being?” I jumped at his voice, almost going to stand up but realising quickly there was no way to pretend I’d actually come in here for any real purpose.

“Why are we on the floor?” Harry sat down directly in front of me, his face neutral and looking every bit like my sitting on his bathroom floor could be completely reasonable, if only I could supply him with the answer.

“Hi,” I gently nudged his leg with the heel of my foot.

“I’m pretty happy I was right about you running away, and I didn’t just open the door to you on the loo,” He smiled gingerly. “Would’ve been awkward.”

“I didn’t run away,” I tried weakly, not believing it myself so hardly expecting Harry to dignify it with anything close to belief.

“Do you like my heated floor? My mum thinks it’s completely unnecessary,” He flashed my his dimples and pulled my leg up over his knee, “Something else that’s completely unnecessary is you freaking out about last night.”

I felt myself go bright red and I looked back up to Harry’s light fittings, “I’m so …"

“So what? So ... Hungry? Cold? Beautiful? In need of a cuddle? What?” His voice was gentle, and I knew Harry was slowly talking me away from any self loathing thoughts I was entertaining.

“Mortified,” I settled with finally. “Why can’t I be a cool, aloof girl who’s just ... Cool? Not bothered by anything and not going over sex with a guy she’s really into to pinpoint all the times she probably did something embarrassing or—”

“Stop,” Harry let out one quick, breathy laugh, “You’re stunning, Nina. Last night was incredible and I can’t bare the thought of you worrying over it,” he pulled his hair back over his head roughly, “I’ve been thinking about what last night would be like for months.”

I blushed and shrugged one shoulder.

Harry frowned at me, “Nina, I thought you were beautiful within ten seconds of seeing you. My attraction to you hasn’t been progressive, I mean, it has, now that I know you better I feel like I’m gonna burst half the time. But that initial spark was instantaneous for me. I’m a twenty­-seven year-­old male, Neens, it doesn’t take much.”

I felt a burst of humour fill my chest, “Doesn’t take much?” I repeated, my voice slightly raised, “Thanks a lot, Harry!"

“No!” He cried through a laugh of his own, leaning forward and grabbing at my waist, his forehead fell to my shoulder and his fingers ghosted up my bare arms, “No, that’s not what I meant! I ...”

He was laughing so hard he couldn’t get the words out and in an instant he had filled me with a silly joy that thirty seconds ago I would never have known how to get to. I settled into his touch that felt just as comfortable and wonderful as the night before.  

“You’re such an idiot,” I chastised playfully, planting my palm on the tile floor next to us and raising myself up only to plant myself down straddling his lap.

“I’m not!” He insisted loudly, “I’m a man besotted!" Harry wrapped his arms around my middle and swayed me into a warm hug, “Have I distracted you from your self doubt enough to score a few more hours in bed?”

“Probably,” I pressed a kiss his cheek, “Yeah.”

“Excellent,” Harry declared, and I had no idea how but suddenly he had planted his feet and was pushing up into a squat with me still attached to his hips. Harry grabbed the backs of my thighs and then turned around and started back into the bedroom.

“Harry! Oh my god,” I yelled, wrapping my arms around his neck and struggling to find any part of him to hold onto. “Put me down!”

“The more you wiggle the greater the chance that I’ll drop you,” He laughed, gripping onto my thighs tighter.

By the time he dumped me on the bed my sides hurt from laughing and also trying to keep myself from falling. Harry landed on his back beside me, clutching his lower stomach and working at catching his breath.

Eventually, I started getting cold, and crawled my way back up to the pillows to slip in under the covers again. My eyes closed almost immediately and I felt my heart rate slow down as my body relaxed; sleep was close.

“‘Morning Cuddles’, Rule Number One," Harry's lips pressed against my ear, "No sleeping until cuddle position is assumed.”

“Hmm,” I hummed, keeping my eyes closed but letting Harry move my limbs around so I was tucked under his arms with my legs woven through his. Our chests were pressed flush against each other and I tried not to think about the feeling of Harry’s bare skin against my exposed shoulders.

“You’re not really going to sleep, are you?” His breath moved a few loose hairs around my face and I squirmed through the tickle.

“Harry,” I warned sleepily, “You just said I could sleep once we were in the cuddle position.”

“Yeah,” He nodded, slipping his warm hand up under my shirt at the same time, his finger spread out across my lower back, “But Rule Number One of ‘Sleeping In’ is that if there’s a really handsome guy in bed with you, you don’t get to sleep, you have to tell him a secret.”

“You just made that up,” I accused. “Are you always this chatty in the morning?”

“Yes,” Harry answered proudly, “Now, tell me a secret.”

“Harry.”

“Nina,” He tightened his hold on me, lightly digging his fingertips into the flesh of my sides.

“Fine,” I huffed, twisting around so I was on my back and opening my eyes to think. Harry adjusted to my movement fluidly, moving his hand from my back onto my stomach, I sucked in a breath and let it out slowly, “When I was sixteen I deliberately missed a flight home from a performance in Munich so I could make our with one of the cello players.”

“You played international hooky at sixteen?” Harry pretended to be horrified.

“Badass, I know.”

He practically rolled his eyes at me, “I’m calling your parents to tell them right now.”

“What’s your secret then?” I whispered against his lips after I’d pressed a kiss to them. He ducked his head back in to catch my mouth again, humming happily when I pulled on the hair at the back of his neck. “Tell me a secret, Harry.”

He pulled back then, roughly pushing his hair off his face to down at me curiously, “A secret? Hmmm,” His lips pressed back against mine, “You’re pretty.”

“No,” I moved my face to one side so his next kiss landed on my cheek, “I told you a proper secret!”

Harry groaned and leant his forehead down on my chin for a second, when he pulled back after thinking his eyes were softer, and less playful, “I’ve never felt like this about someone before.”

It felt like everything inside me stopped, and I couldn’t move my eyes away from his unfaltering gaze, “I ... I ... What?”

He smiled, “It’s true. It’s not … It’s not been like this before for me. I’ve never ... Felt so much for another person before.” His words were whispered like if they leaked to anyone else before I heard them a code might be broken, “I wish I’d known it could feel like this.”

I wriggled my toes for something to do, not entirely sure how far Harry’s train of thought was going to go, and if it was my turn to say something back. Even if it was my turn, I wasn’t entirely sure what I should say. Harry’s face was contorted in thought though, and he didn’t seem bothered by my keeping quiet.

“Nina,” He called softly, I must’ve been further into my thoughts that I’d realised, “Neens.”

“Sorry,” I mumbled, kissing his nose quickly to show I was back. I watched as his neck contorted with a heavy swallow, and his eyes blinked shut just a touch slower than normal; he was nervous. I pulled my fingers through his fringe slowly.

I was startled by the sound of my phone going off behind me.

"Turn it off," Harry groaned.

I flopped over to reach for where my phone had ended up on the floor, "It's Ryan," I said to the room as I read the name of my section lead in the orchestra. I had no idea why he would be calling me in the middle of our two weeks break for Christmas and New Year.

"Take it," Harry said behind me, "He wouldn't be calling if it wasn't important."

"Ryan, hi," I cradled the phone up to my ear, a flurry of worry spinning through me.

"Hiya Nina," He responded, "How's your break going?"

"It's good," I replied, "Aren't you meant to be in Toronto with your family?"

"I am," Ryan responded, "It's pretty early here ... I got an email from the marketing team about you and I thought I should call at chat it out with you."

"Okay ..." I said, Harry's foot pressed into my lower back, reminding me he was there. I leant back and hooked my arm around his leg, settling on my elbow. I chanced him a look and he gave me a questioning smile.

"They've been approached by the BBC Classical Music magazine with a request to do a profile on you. The admin board have approved it, and they think it would be great for you to do it."

"The BBC ... Why would they ..." Ryan laughed, "Because you're an ace player who has an interesting story. The request has come from Angela Hastings who I know quite well, she'd do a good job of it. It would be great for your career at this point."

Harry waved his hand in my peripheral to get my attention, he had a deep frown and a worried expression on his face, 'What's this about?' he mouthed at me.

"If you said yes she could come and meet you our first week back," Ryan continued filling in my silence, "They've got a tight turn around because something's fallen through. The orchestra would like it out before the summer season program is announced, in time for when sales start."

"Can I think about it?" I replied finally, watching Harry try to decipher what the conversation had been.  

"Of course," Ryan said without hesitation, "I'll forward you the email so you can have a look. Read a few of their past profiles and let me know what you think."

"Okay, thanks Ryan," I said, listening to him say goodbye and then hang up.

"What was that about?" Harry asked me quickly, sitting up in front of my with a mighty worried look on his face.

"The BBC's classical music magazine wants to do an artist profile on me."

He appeared to be calculating something in his head for a moment, "Well, that's a good thing, right? What did Ryan say?"

"He seemed to think I should do it," I told Harry who still looked concerned, "I kind of want to ask my dad about it ... What do you think?"

Harry thought about his response for a moment, running a hand across his bare chest, "I mean, I had a panic when I heard you say the BBC ... I assumed somehow something about us had led media to your job and shit had hit the fan."

"Oh, Harry," I shook my head at him, "No ..."

He smiled at me suddenly pulling on my elbow until I collapsed onto the sheets beside him, "Well, this is cool! Google the magazine, let's have a look at it."

Harry shuffled so he was lying on his tummy mirroring my position next to me, his shoulder pressed against mine and his neck craned over so he could watch my phone screen over my hands. We read the email Ryan had just sent through first, following a link through to the staff writer's page.

The page was taking a little while to fully load and Harry pressed a warm kiss to my earlobe while we waited, "Are you hungry? I'll make you breakfast after this."

"I want the pizza," I said, turning my face towards his and shutting my eyes when Harry captured my mouth with his and kissed me softly.

“Can we be properly exclusive?” He asked suddenly.              

I frowned, but Harry leaned in and sucked my bottom lip between his, deepening the kiss quickly and smoothly. The arm closest to me slid across my back and down to my opposite hip, squeezing it in a torturously comforting rhythm.

“Harry,” I leant back my head when Harry's lips started working around the skin below my ear. “I thought from last night you were all about me answering things.”

“I am,” He breathed, hiding his face in my neck and staying still, “But I didn’t mean to just blurt that out and you frowned and we were in the middle of something else.”

“I was surprised! We were in the middle of something else, ” I told him, “And I … I figured we sort of already were.”

“Yeah, I suppose.”

"You suppose?" He didn’t move or say anything for a painful amount of time, “Harry?”

“Hmm?”

“You’re hiding.”

“I am.”

“I wish you wouldn’t.”

"Sorry," He breathed unevenly against my neck, and when his head came back up his lips curved up into an unstable smile. “I’m worried about this conversation.”

"Why?"

"Because I want to lock this down but it's ... It's complicated," He fell onto his back away from me and let out a dramatic breath, seemingly annoyed at himself.

"Can we specify what you're referring to when you say ‘lock this down’?" I asked, frowning when I thought about what he had said more, “And ‘it’s complicated’.”

“My life,” Harry said vaguely, watching his ceiling vacantly, “It’s not just a matter of me being like ‘hey I’d like you to be my girlfriend’ … That wouldn’t be fair to you because there’s a whole underbelly to my life that’s completely abnormal and ends up hurting everyone in my life in someway. Life changes for the people in my world once they’re in it.”

I wasn’t sure what to say to him, but watching the way Harry had seemingly disappeared right in front of my eyes was heartbreaking. He wasn’t engaging with me at all, and he ran through what he was saying like they were lines he’d memorised after rehearsing them dozens of times over. I wasn’t used to seeing Harry doubt himself around me like this and I took a deep breath, knowing what he needed from me was strength, not my own softly spoke doubts back. We’d ruin each other like that.

“It’s not what it used to be, right?” I asked.

“No,” He replied but there was no optimism in his tone, “But at any moment it could go back to it. It’s the Catch 22, if what I’m putting out there reaches more people that’s good for my career but destroys my personal life.”

“Why do you think that is?” Harry sighed, “Nothing every has a good enough foundation. My family are different, obviously they’re not going anywhere, but that isn’t to say it hasn’t been and isn’t still tough for them. But new relationships don’t last because they haven’t had the chance to mature at all. They’re not established enough to weather press and speculation and the lifestyle.”

“From what you’ve told me you’ve deliberately avoided having new people in you life who fall into that category.”

“I have.”

“Well,” I started, “I”m here … So … I guess you’ve messed that bit up.”

Harry turned his head and looked up at me, “You’re here.”

I nodded, and shrugged, “I’d really hate to not be here.”

“It really can all turn to shit, Nina.” “So can anyone’s life, Harry. People’s lives turn to shit everywhere, all the time.”

He watched me blankly for a moment, “Who are you and what have you done with Nina.”

I smiled and plucked his hand off his chest to hold it up to my mouth, “Some guy called Harry came along and convinced me he thought I was pretty awesome … At some point I suppose I’ve started believing him. Harry,” I paused for a moment, “Real life isn’t up on stage … That’s a fantasy world, it’s constructed and you can’t always trust what happens up there. Sometimes you get really good and so well rehearsed at being the version of yourself that got you there—to the top—that you forget about who you were before life became a show. It’s the world you exist in off the stage that matters the most, you’ve got to make that guy the one you want to do life with because eventually he’s all you’ll have. I’m sure you know this but sometimes—”

“—We need reminding,” He finished for me. “Nina, if I’d had half the sense you have when I was twenty-one, who knows what I could have spared myself over the last six years.”

“Just wait until I’m old like you, imagine how wise I’ll be,” I grinned at him, happy to see a little light back behind his eyes.

“I hope I won’t have to imagine,” Harry replied, hitching himself up on an elbow, “I’d like to see it for myself. I’d really like us to be a thing … I want this to be a proper relationship. Can we do that?”

I placed my hands on either of his cheeks, holding his face just far enough away from mine so that my eyes could focus on his comfortably, “Yes, we can.”

++

Hello Dear Reader,

It would be wonderful if you could drop me a line about what you thought of what you’ve just read! Check out my Someday Someday tag for all things Hina & lots of silly little extra bits xx katey

[theolddarkmachine]

Imaginary- Chapter One

Midoriya Izuku’s life was turned upside by fate.

Eri’s life was turned upside down by circumstance.

And Bakugou Katsuki is about to learn that even imaginary friends need to grow up.

Also on AO3

A/N: Whoo buddy, why is it so scary posting something for a new fandom? Maybe it’s because I’ve been suffering severe writing burnout for the past handful of months, or maybe it’s because I didn’t even realize I was going to write anything for this pairing until the idea struck me. Whatever it is, I guess welcome to my first ever BakuDeku fic lol please be gentle with me Gonna go big or go home with this bad boy, so I hope you guys like it enough to stick around for the long haul with me. Anyway, this is the If You Could See Me Now AU I always wanted to write, but never had a pairing that I thought fit it the way I wanted it to be.

***********************************

Imaginary friends are meant to help those who have forgotten how to smile.                                                                                            -Yagi Toshinori

***

Staring down into the brown depths of his coffee, Midoriya Izuku wills the caffeine to enter his bloodstream through instantaneous osmosis. It’s all in vain, he knows, but he’d do just about anything to combat the fatigue that has turned his brain into mush.

The tired that he feels is a different kind of tired than what he was used to.

Before, the black bags under his eyes were somewhat of a badge of honor, only proving how much work he was putting into his latest case.

Before, while he would feel the quiet ache of his sleep deprivation like a second coat around his shoulders, it had never felt suffocating or as if it was sucking the very life out of him.

Of course, before, he had been working his way through the ranks of the Tokyo police department, married to his job and returning to a quiet and empty home at night with his only care in the world being how he would tackle his next day of work.

The sound of the chair beside him grating across the linoleum as it’s pulled out drags him forcefully from the depths of his mug as he looks over to the 4-year-old girl who has joined him.

Eri had been the result of his greatest work accomplishment.

The department had been working on trying to land a blow on the Shie Hassaikai since before Izuku had shown up as their newest recruit, bright eyed and bushy tailed, and wholly unaware of the fact that in just five years time he’d have a hand in the biggest bust of a criminal organization in Tokyo’s modern history.

Years of planning, and stakeouts, and undercover had led his team to the front door of a warehouse. Tucked in a corner of an unassuming commercial dock, they had burst through the front door with gas and guns, and managed to capture the group’s tactical mastermind, Chisaki Kai.

After putting the biggest names of Shie Hassaikai into the backs of several police cruisers, they’d searched the docks only to find a shipping container filled with kids. Ranging in age from 4 to 14, they had cowered instinctively against the opening of the doors, shrinking back into the shadows and looking at the policemen in a way that had made Izuku’s stomach turn.

It had taken time to get them all out of there, and then to find the homes that they had been torn from. Reunion after reunion had come until finally there was one left.

Eri, the youngest of the group, had been the slowest to open up to them and even when she had, it had only been to Izuku. She had clung to him by the end of the first week, only taking food and drink from him, and very quietly whispering answers to his questions.

That was how he had found that of the 23 children they had rescued that night, Eri was the only one whose parents wouldn’t be coming to pick her up. The couple had found themselves on the receiving end of Shie Hassaikai’s anger. Their ending had been somewhat of an easy out in comparison to the future they had unknowingly subscribed their daughter to.

The department had told Izuku what the next steps were to be. Eri would be placed in foster care where she would hopefully find a new home before she turned 18 years old and found herself out on the street.

There was no secret as to what happened to most kids in the system, and as far as he had seen it, Eri was going from one horrible situation to another, and all because of the folly of adults. No one deserved that.

She didn’t deserve that.

So, he did the only thing he could think of.

He adopted her.

And even now, three months later in a new home in an old town and temporarily jobless, he doesn’t regret.

That being said, he is fucking tired.

Who knew raising a 4 year old alone would sap the very life out of you?

Well, besides most parents, and now, Izuku.

In hindsight, he supposes it only been a matter of time. He had been running on fumes and caffeine before he even brought Eri into his life. There was only so long that he could have viably maintained properly caring for the girl, getting her to daycare every morning, working a ten hour shift, picking her up, feeding her, getting her to bed, going over what needed to be done for his latest case before passing out for a few hours of sleep, and then waking up bright and early to do it all again.

At the end of it all, he’s sure the only one who was surprised by his collapse at work had been himself.

You’re working yourself to the bone, his best friend and coworker Shinsou had said. Something has to give, Izuku.

The truth of it was that he had known that.

Had known it since the first couple of days when the gentle embrace of general fatigue had evolved into a sharp ache that he couldn’t shake. He’d made it two months, 6 days and 13 hours before it had finally caught up with him so that had to count for something.

Shinsou was right, and that’s how Izuku found himself sitting at a brand new table, in a brand new house, in the small town that he had run from all those years ago.

Moving back home had been the next logical step in the grand scheme of things. His mom could help with Eri, the price of living was significantly cheaper, and their police department was a branch off the main department in Tokyo which only made transferring all too easy.

After a couple of phone calls, a significant dip into his savings, and a seven and a half hour drive later, Izuku had officially started a new life.

About a month had passed since then, and while he hadn’t expected to have everything to be miraculously better, he had at least hoped he’d feel rested enough before starting work in a week’s time.

That, it seemed, had been a fruitless hope.

Because god damn, he was tired.

And judging from Eri’s wide yawn, she was too.

“Good morning,” he says, trying to ignore how his own voice is thick with sleep as he pushes a plastic container of chocolate donuts towards her.

“Morning Daddy Izuku,” Eri says sleepily, grabbing one of the small donuts with her small hands. As she munched on her donut, with her eyes locked on the table, Izuku looked over her. Her long, silvery blonde hair was knotted with wild bedhead that he was sure would take them quite a bit of time to tame, and lots of treat blackmail on his part to ensure she sat still for.

Slightly hunched and with her legs swinging as she continued to eat, and with her bright pink pajamas still slightly too big for her frame, she looked even smaller than she already was. She’d come such a far way from how Izuku had found her, but it still twisted his gut when he thought about how the sweet girl had seen more in her life than most adults.

Deep down, he knows it wasn’t his job to make up for the wrong the world had done to her, but he feels he owes it to her anyway.

If not his job, then whose, he wonders as he takes a sip of his coffee to swallow down the grit of sleep clinging to his throat.

“Want some milk?” He asks after resurfacing, getting up at the first sign of her small nod. Gently putting his mug on the mahogany table, he turns toward the kitchen.

With his back to Eri, he misses the way her eyes shift quickly to the chair next to her, and the wide grin her mouth pulls into as she reaches her hand into the plastic container for another donut.

Placing it on the table, she nods before stuffing the rest of her own donut in her mouth.

When Izuku returns, Eri’s own small pink mug in his hand, the donut beside her is gone.

***

There was something comforting, yet altogether depressing about the fact that his mother’s home hadn’t changed at all in the 26 years that Izuku had been alive. Just walking through the front door had transported him back to a time that had been altogether easier.

At the time, he had taken the ease for granted, instead focusing on how he had always felt like something had been missing.

Not that Izuku had ever thought anything as grand as being meant for so much more, but he had always had dreams that at least amounted to so much more than the town of Noto and its population of almost 18,000.

And now he was back and he’d be lying if he said it didn’t make him feel small.

It didn’t help being surrounded by photos documenting his life, most notably the large graduation photo on the mantle, taken just after he’d received his badge from the academy.

“Izuku,” his mom’s voice was gentle as it prodded him straight out of his thoughts and back onto the grey couch in which he sat. Her eyes conveyed the same gentleness, encapsulated in a green that was a little less like the hard emerald of his own, and more like a calm sea.

They seemed to see through him as he made a questioning sound in his throat.

“I asked how Eri was liking that daycare! They had wonderful reviews, and while I’m sure they aren’t as good as Mrs. Tanoshi was, I guess we don’t have much of a choice since that poor woman is almost 80 now,” she says, her voice comforting as it rambled just slightly about Izuku’s old caretaker.

He bites back on a comment about how he had thought she had already been closer to ancient, even back then.

“She seems to like it,” Izuku says instead, shifting his gaze over his mother’s shoulder and toward the patio door where he can see Eri smiling and playing by herself in the yard. “She’s been happier at least, especially the last couple of days.”

Outside, he sees Eri run as if she’s chasing something, her mouth split wide around a laugh he can’t hear. His heart squeezes with a feeling he’s starting to realize is a mix of pride and something like adoration.

“That’s so good, Izuku,” his mom says warmly, her eyes still cutting through him as he turns his gaze back to her. Lips pulled up gently in the corners, she’s looking at him with that all knowing mom look.

“What?” He finds himself asking, fully indignant like the teen the house made him feel like again.

In his peripheral, he sees a ball fly high as it arced across the yard.

“Nothing, honey,” she says, gently grabbing his knee as she leans in. It’s a soothing sort of touch before she continues, “I’m just so proud of you, is all.”

Heat rises up and over his neck, racing to his cheeks and turning his skin what he’s certain is a terrible shade caught between sunburn and tomato.

Admittedly, he and his mom had always had a good relationship.

If anyone had asked her, she’d tell them Izuku had been a wonderful child, filled with imagination and idealism and dreams. If anyone asked Izuku, he’d tell them his mom had been a sweet mother who had taught him with a stern but loving hand, and who had always supported him in his dreams even when she was worried.

She’d always said she was proud of him, but something about the way she said it now, her eyes sparkling with something unknown to him, made his eyes burn.

“I know you always wanted to be a hero, Izuku,” she says, squeezing his knee, “and now you are one.”

The acknowledgement buries itself deep in the center of his chest as he tries to swallow down the lump that’s forming in his throat.

“I know it’s hard, trust me. Parenting isn’t easy, honey. But you have to know that you’re that little girl’s hero,” she concludes before smiling wider at him. Letting go of her hold, she pats his leg before pushing herself off the couch and turning to look out the patio doors.

Keeping his gaze on his mother’s back, Izuku clears his throat and quickly passes the back of his hand across his eyes to catch the moisture that has collected at their edges.

“We should probably get going,” he manages to get out as he stands up beside her. Izuku stands taller than her by a head, yet he still feels small as he looks out towards the yard and the girl sitting in the middle of it. With one hand, she’s steadying it on top of a finger on her other hand, face twisted in concentration before she gives it a spin. For just a moment it looks as if it may actually balance there before it falls down to the side.

There’s a breath where she watches it roll away before she laughs.

“Mom?” Izuku says, keeping his eyes trained on the four year old.

“Yes, sweetie?” She hums, not bothering to turn back toward him.

“Thank you.”

Her answering chuckle is low as she moves around her coffee table and in the direction of her kitchen.

“I’ll pack you both up some cookies,” she says before disappearing to make good on her word.

Left alone in the living room, Izuku takes a steadying breath before pushing his way out into his mom’s backyard. Eri is standing now, having gotten up to chase after the ball that had rolled towards his mom’s herb garden in the corner. With her back to him, she seems to be looking at the plants with the ball hugged to her chest.

Moving in her direction, he’s a couple feet away when he hears her small voice.

“— Grandma Inko is a really good planter,” he hears her say almost conspiratorially. There’s a heartbeat of silence before she giggles and shakes her head.

“It’s not boring! They started as seeds and now they’re plants!” Eri exclaims, turning her face as if looking at something. Izuku watches as her smile grows before she shakes her head again.

“You’re silly, not everyone can make plants. Daddy Izuku says he once killed a plastic plant and those aren’t even real.”

Then, her mouth forms a look of surprise as she fully turns to face him.

“Hey Daddy Izuku!” She says happily, closing the small distance between them with a slight bounce. Clutching the ball to her tummy still, she looks up to him with her smile still wide. Warmth spreads through his chest as he drops down to her height and reaches out to pull a piece of grass from her hair.

“Hey Eri,” he smiles back as he flicks the offending piece of plant life away. “Who are you talking to?”

The question is out of his mouth before he can think to swallow it. It earns him a confused look before Eri turns to look to her side for a barely there moment before giving a small nod and turning her attention back to him.

Pulling a hand away from her ball, she waves it to her side as if showcasing something.

Izuku isn’t sure how it happens, but her smile seems to get brighter as she says, “This is Kacchan!”

***

Izuku’s room is too dark and too quiet as he stares up at the ceiling from where he lays in his bed. His sheets are pooled at his waist and his arms are folded across his chest as he imagines he can see paint shapes in the shadows across the white above him.

It was already usually pretty hard for him to get to sleep here. He’d grown used to the sound of the city, and hadn’t realized it had been its own sort of lullaby until he had moved. Tonight, however, the issue is less the lack of noise and light, and more the interesting new development that seemed to have landed in his lap.

Kacchan, he thinks as he breathes heavily out his nose. Eri’s new imaginary friend.

After she’d introduced him, it seemed that whatever wall she had constructed around the imaginary fellow had collapsed, and she had chattered with this Kacchan for the rest of the evening.

In the back of the car, at the dinner table— where she’d even asked for Kacchan to have his own place setting— and even at bedtime when she’d told the specter goodnight. It was, in a word, odd.

Yet she had looked so genuinely happy that Izuku had bit his tongue as he just nodded along, acting as if he could see this pretend friend of hers and even setting down a plate for him next to Eri. Even though it was a small amount, he still lamented the wasted curry. It was one of the few meals he actually knew how to cook well, and though he knows all the books say to encourage the imagination, it still stung a bit knowing he would end up throwing away the food at the end of the night.

At least, so he had thought. He isn’t sure how she had managed it, but at some point he must have looked away because when it was time to clean up, the plate had been cleared of its food.

It wasn’t the only weird thing that had happened in relation to this Kacchan, either. When Eri had first introduced the friend, Izuku could have bet a heavy sum that he had actually heard someone there. The soft sound, something like a haughty scoff, had caused a chill to run down his spine and momentarily consider the possibility that maybe Eri was actually being haunted. He’d quickly chalked it up to his own lack of sleep playing tricks on him, but that didn’t stop him from feeling as if he was being watched for the rest of the day.

Shaking the phantom feeling and bewildering thought, Izuku squeezes his eyes shut before opening them again to the darkness of his ceiling.

There was absolutely nothing wrong with having an imaginary friend, he knows. Hell, he had had one as a kid.

All Might had been his name. Izuku remembers him vividly. He was the reason he’d wanted so desperately to become a hero before he grew enough to know that imaginary friends were only that, and that it was severely frowned down upon to run around in spandex and a cape.

All Might had been his best friend though, helping him right after his father had walked out on him and his mom. He supposes after everything she’s been through, it only made sense that she would come up with an imaginary friend. In fact, with that in mind, he could probably say it’s a bit weird that it took so long for it to happen.

Eyes burning and vision blurring, Izuku’s eyelids start to fight against his insomnia.

He’ll have to keep an eye on it all the same, he thinks as his blinks start to grow longer. Izuku still remembers the pain he had felt when his own had disappeared.

It isn’t too much longer until sleep finally pulls him into its inky embrace.

************************************

[anarchist-caravan]

(My) TOP Discovered Albums of the year 2019 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Here again, for the fourth year in a row! Ready to go through the list of discovered music that I have found this year. It has been quite a long year. The thing that is different from the other years is that I have felt a little bit more stressed about the list. I don’ t know why. Just is. And that is a good judgement of what my year has been about. Stress. Angst. Hardships. Fatigue. And Surprises.

I always think I won’t be able to find any new music each year. But I am always mistaken. Thousands of albums down the road. And ain’t that the best thing. Amidst the times. 

And thus, a lot of the music I found this year, that has been put on this list is of the more chill side. Not anything too harsh. Just.... a stream of consciousness.

As Usual, Albums I have encountered throughout the year are listed below -with only the last five in a true top order:

40.

Mad Doctor X - Picnic with the Greys (1997)

A picnic we should all attend, -don’t forget the Oui’d!

39.

Tomb Mold ‎– Planetary Clairvoyance (2019)

Dang, that’s death metal done well.

38.

Moor Mother - Analog Fluids Of Sonic Black Holes (2019)

Self-explanatory. 

37.

Darzamat - In the Opium of Black Veil (1999)

Good AF black metal. 

36.

karl sanders - saurian meditation (2004)

Darker than you think. Hypnosis.

35.

The Dolphin Brothers - Catch the Fall (1987)

Richard Barbieri and Steve Jansen plays wonderous synth-pop akin to something... I cannot remember right now. But they are good nonetheless. 

34.

Reiko Kudo - Rice Field Silently Riping In The Night (2019) 

(Dis)harmonious multi-instrumental live-recording’easque music with singing and (soft) noise. 

33.

Michael Stearns - M'Ocean

Michael Stearns makes the most chill music in the universe. Except for maybe that one U.F.O. trip album that can be chill in the scary cold sense. 

32.

Henryk Górecki - Kleines Requiem-Lerchenmusik

Classical album of the year. Górecki always delivers. 

31.

VOIGHT KAMPFF - MORE HUMAN THAN HUMAN (2012)

Fast techno-trash metal band. 

30.

Sopor Aeternus & The Ensemble Of Shadows - Death And Flamingos (2019)

Sopor Aeternus & The Ensemble Of Shadows is a band that will always have a special space in my heart. Their music got me through the most part of high school. The dark ambivalent songs. Yet, never forgetting the ironic twinkle in the eye. 

29.

Earl Slick - Zig Zag (2003)

That edge of the seat feel of rock; next stage to come, just: SLICK.

28.

Kooba Tercu - Kharrub (2019)

You will be grateful I rec’d this jammin’ piece of fast jumping action of absurdity and happiness. :)

27. 

Red Snapper - Making Bones (1998) 

Trip Hop Album of The year. Seeing to what trip-hop releases there were around the time of this album’s release, I am so fucking surprised I had never heard of these before. They are just as brilliant as the all too famous Portishead, if not with an upper edge in a lot of cases. 

26.

Supercar - Three Out Changes!! (1998)

Shoegaze of the year. Lovely. CHILL. Summer evening breathe’

25.

Anna Domino - East & West (1984)

Timeless synth-pop with rich textures of dreamy lyrics that ensnares you into a downtempo that.... goes up.

24.

Troy Gregory - XAVIERA (2018) 

Monumental Prog.

23.

shit & shine - bad vibes (2018)

It is What it Says. Yeah I am on Acid’

22.

Datarock ‎- Face The Brutality (2018) 

Norwegian indie masters. I love Datarock very, very much. I’ve listened to them since the 2007 release Red and I don’t know a band with as much coercive pop in each track. This album was a surprise find, since I was convinced they were out of the loop.

21.

HIZAKI grace project  - Curse Of Virgo (2008)   

Symphonic Metal. Hizaki is a master of the guitar. Such Riffs. If you need to drain your brain to metal and feel energized but still mesmerized, this is it. 

20.

Institut Für Feinmotorik ‎- Abgegriffen (2011)

Coolest Experimental Band of the year. Go check them out on youtube. The making of the music here is truly an Experience.

19.

Deafkids ‎- Metaprogramação (2019)

D-beat, Raw Punk, Downtempo ... band from Volta Redonda, Rio De Janeiro - Brazil. NOISE.

18.

 WipEout Omega Collection OST (2017)

The wipeout games are and will forever be my favorite way of anti-gravity racing. The music to Wipeout Omega Collection is as stellar as ever, a great list of electro and techno musicians. 

17.

Hammer Bros. - Police Story (1997) 

Imagine being at an underground hardcore noise rave party in 1997. Imagine the beat blasts. The speed. The energy. Just the grinding shouts, the beat, and you. Ready to dive. BURN. WATER. REPEAT.

16.

AFCGT ‎– Square Microphone Tapes 

Noise rock galore. Glory. Wonderful. Gnarly. Intelligent. Different. Moody.

15.

Future Of The Left ‎– Human Death (2013)

Great leftist lyrics. Another one of RIk’s rec’s. Just Awesome. Good Music. Hate on capitalism and its endless bringer of deaths. 

14.

Molchat Doma* ‎– Etazhi (2018)

Youtube rec of the year. Darkwave energies en masse!

13.

3.2 - The Rules Have Changed  (2018)

The follow up to the infamous To The Power Of Three album from 1986 by Emerson, Lake and Berry. The first record was hated on by many, but I love it. And this very late follow up is a huge accomplishment and honoring to the late people involved. A record my dad would have liked. I just love prog music. Sigh. 

12.

Saori Kobayashi - Terra Magica (2016)

Ethereal Game Music is not easy to make. Yet somehow, Saori manages it. No wonder really. She was behind Panzer Dragoon. Masterpiece album for what a tribute it is.

“Terra Magica is a love letter from Saori Kobayashi to her fans. Featuring the same rich, melodic tones that defined the iconic soundtracks of Panzer Dragoon Saga and Panzer Dragoon Orta, Kobayashi invites listeners to enter the world she has created, while encouraging them to create their very own story to match the progression of the music.“

11.

ENTROPY CREATED CONSCIOUSNESS - Impressions of the Morning Star (2018)

Symphonic Doom Metal of the year

10.

Sleaford Mods - Divide and Exit (2014)

Rec of the year by @planetsedge​ - Rik has served several discs on this list this year.

9.

Mobile Suit Z Gundam BGM Collection (Vol.1 - Vol.3)  (1985)

The title track to this animé, sung by Mami Ayukawa, and its subsequent soundtrack is probably one of the best I have heard. 80′s animé has the best soundtracks, mostly. 

8.

K2 - Iron Kulture 7' (1996)

Noise artist of the year.

7.

Klaus Dinger + Japandorf (2013)

Surprise find of the year in the sense of knowing the artist in other bands (NEU! and Kraftwerk) but totally missing this somehow. Late late find. Total love. Electronic mists will seep into your ears listening to this. 

6.

Beak - >>>

Pop-like krautrock. Laid back, but with thought behind it. Allé Sauvage is my fave track. Just the perfect amount of mystery and rhythm and synths. First list find of the year. 

5.

The Muffs - Alert Today Alive Tomorrow

20 years ago The Muffs released this album, and I wish... the years had been kinder. This album helped me a lot though when I found it. A lot of nostalgia will arise listening to this. 

Damned if you feel alright ~

4.

BIG STICK - LP (2019)

EARWORM OF THE YEAR!!! Calamari Co Co Butter Calamari Co Co Butter Calamari Co Co Butter Calamari Co Co Butter Calamari Co Co Butter Calamari Co Co Butter Calamari Co Co Butter Calamari Co Co Butter Calamari Co Co Butter Calamari Co Co Butter Calamari Co Co Butter Calamari Co Co ButterCalamari Co Co Butttttttttttttttteeeeerrrrr. 

In the bodega. 

3.

Jesca Hoop - Stonechild (2019)

Indie folk niceties. Chill, interesting blend of rock and singing elements. Not mystical, but still with mysteries. Got third place because I kept remembering it so much. It penetrated my skull. 

2. 

Doji Morita - A Boy (1977) 

This album was an early find and should be my album of the year. Morita’s voice is amongst the softest and kindest I have ever heard. And she has all the wonderful aesthetics to boot! Acoustics with accompanying strings and pianos in most of the tracks. It isn’t, because the N’1 is such an explosion of a surprise. 

The third track, ふるえているネ (One who is trembling) is my favorite. I do tremble at the very thoughts expressed in this track. The bird wings at the end... yeah. Every track on this album is a masterpiece. 

Music as pulling one’ s strings of the heart. That is what this album is about. 

I will keep it at that with the words. No more has to be said. Just listen, you will understand. 

1.

Kagami - Star Arts (2002)

Explosive, Happy, Creative, Constantly Changing Originality.

 Techno. Disco. TeSco.

Toshiyasu Kagami was a genius in his genre. I’ve heard a lot of techno mixes and textures in my life, but not anything like this before. 

Each track slaps you in the head and forces you to the rhythm, only for you to go.... HMMMMMMMMmmmMmmMmMMmmMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMM when the flow enters its synergies of musical delight. What else is there to say when your ears are filled with such pleasant sounds. Just when you think it won’t change up, it will change up. Impossible to predict. Dancefloor killer. Intelligent Mixes. 

No philosophical analysis, only my body moving to the most energetic beat EVER.

Concrete Masterpiece. My album of the year in 2019. 

[monsters-demons-and-ai-oh-my]

What We Lost and What We Have

Chapter 8:   Selfies, subterfuge and the koolaid man

In which Cas needs a shower, Jack plays mind games with himself mostly, and the brothers question their choices.

TW’s for this chapter: Self-blame?

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

AU somewhat inspired by Episode 2x20 - What Is and What Should Never Be, and the season 14 storyline concerning Jack’s illness.

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

AO3 Link

Previous Chapter

First Chapter

Complete Tumblr Chapter List

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April 23, 2017

-

“You wanna run that by me again?” Dean's voice was muffled over the phone, like he was talking at it on speaker from a few feet away.

The last few hours after Jack woke up had been a whirlwind.

It had taken two of those hours for Castiel to remember he promised to call Dean’s younger brother Sam and another hour yet for him to steel himself to call Dean.

Jack’s ever-present cough was still there, (his lungs showing their displeasure at being filled with something besides air) but besides that…

He seemed... okay.

Castiel held the word shakily at the back of his throat not letting himself even think it too loudly. He wouldn’t even say it except in the form of a question.

The boy still seemed fairly exhausted by the entire ordeal but there wasn’t the same scary distant look in his eyes that felt like he was slipping somewhere far away.

And wonders of all wonders he’d actually eaten most of the sandwich the nurse brought him at mealtime. Castiel could just see Jack picking at the last of the crust when he glanced over his shoulder.

“The doctor is planning to keep Jack at Lawrence Memorial for a while longer, I just thought you should know…”

“No no, the other bit… The part where you said, ‘Jack’s doing alright so they’re waiting to transfer him,’ what does that mean?”

Castiel bit back his defensive instinct.

-

“Do you even care?”

-

“It means he’s feeling a little better today, so Doctor Hannah felt safe waiting to transfer him.”

Dean made a nonplussed noise on the other end of the line, “I mean, it’s just…” he fell quiet for a moment, “last night you made it sound like he was dying or something…”

Castiel opened his mouth to protest and then closed it face heated, he’d been panicked but he hadn’t been that extreme, “Well I’m sorry for disrupting your sleep Dean,” Castiel said a little more terse than he intended.

“Seriously?” Dean sounded annoyed.

-

Perhaps that was a little too rude.

-

Castiel quickly continued before Dean could really get pissed. “Look… I really don’t know anything yet other than Jack hasn’t gotten any worse, and he’s eating today.”

“...And that’s good right?” Dean said slowly.

-

‘Possibly...’

‘Probably…”

-

“They’ll know more when more tests get back this afternoon…” Castiel said cagily.

Dean grunted, “Makes sense, did you need something else? I mean… what did you call to see…”

“I just thought you should know,” Castiel said quickly.

Dean gave a soft huff of a laugh, “yeah no that’s uh… that’s good…” he was quiet for a moment voice sounding a little unsure when he spoke again, “Just… let me know if the kid’s okay… I guess?”

Castiel hesitated trying to sort through his own haze of emotions. The wall of defensiveness and frustration that he had built up starting to crack. Some small unfair part of him a little disappointed not to have a righteous external threat to be irritated with and hide his anxiety (which had been mounting for days) behind.

He couldn’t read Dean, the man seemed to yoyo between aloof stranger, antagonistic asshole and concerned family member at least three times in any given conversation and Castiel was too tired to sort through his own thoughts much less Dean’s.

“Cas?” Jack’s voice was a welcome distraction away from the increasingly awkward conversation.

“I have to go now Dean…” Castiel said quickly.

“What?”

“I will let you know how things go, sorry for bothering you…” he quickly hung up.

Jack tilted his head watching sheepishly as his uncle swiftly tucked away his phone in his trench coat pocket.

“Y-you didn’t have to hang up…” Jack coughed into the back of his hand.

“We were done talking,” Castiel said simply quickly waving the conversation away and turning his attention back to Jack, “What do you need?”

Jack blinked at him for a moment looking unconvinced before asking slowly, “I just… Is there anymore water?”

'water, yes, he could get water…

Castiel fumbled to pick up the small hospital pitcher from the dresser beside Jack's bed and found it empty, "I'll just… find an orderly…"

Castiel smiled shakily at Jack and got a small concerned smile back.

"Was Dean being an as-” Jack trailed off the second “s” catching himself before swearing in front of his uncle, “-butt again? Do you want to tell me about it ?"

Castiel's mouth twitched a little into a more honest smile, it was the same phrase he'd repeated a hundred times, whenever Jack got upset.

-

'you should be asking him that… '

-

"I'm alright…" Castiel patted Jack’s hand a little awkwardly. "You just focus on feeling better…"

-

' whatever that meant… '

-

Castiel tapped the top of the water pitcher and headed for the door before the anxiety of the thought could melt the smile off his face.

"I am Cas…" Jack piped up, giving the most reassuring smile he could with his eyebrows still furrowed in concern.

"I am feeling much better than yesterday…"

The doctors were weaning Jack off the pain and nausea drugs as his symptoms seemed to mysteriously fade. But for every piece of good news Cas' uneasiness didn't waver. Perhaps it was his just his own paranoia but…

-

'they still didn't know what had happened… '

-

Castiel gave the best smile he could muster on short notice, “I know Jack… and I’m glad I just… want you to take things slow.”

Every time he looked at Jack’s face his eyes were drawn to the purple bruise decorating it from cheek to temple.

-

‘He saw Jack convulsing on the floor…’

-

Castiel blinked away the image, muttered, “I...I’ll be right back...water…” and ducked quickly out of the room.

He breathed a shaky sigh still so in his head he almost ran into the wall that was Sam Winchester.

Castiel jumped back glad the water picture was empty or else he would have dumped half of it over himself and the younger Winchester.

“Sorry,” Sam gave an awkward smile, taking in Cas’s shaken demeanor, “is… everything okay?” Sam paused and said carefully, “Is Jack okay?”

Castiel took a moment to answer running a hand over his face, “No… he’s… Jack’s fine… I’m fine… we’re all…”  Cas sighed, “fine…”

“Do you… need a moment? To take a break… grab some food?” Sam said hesitantly like he was trying to calm a small feral animal.

-

‘Food… it sounded good…”

-

Castiel had been living off vending machine coffee and little packets of peanut butter crackers for the last twenty-four hours…

“I just… I promised to bring Jack some more water so…”

Sam nodded looking pensive.

Castiel knew by now the man meant well but his track record for being present in times of trouble wasn’t exactly stellar, and the idea of continuing to rely on Sam, of owing him and letting him become a familiar presence in their life felt like taking advantage of temporary guilt.

-

‘And he didn’t want Jack to trust this man again only to be let down...again…’

-

“I could bring him the water and sit with him for a bit if you want?” Sam said carefully.

Castiel held the pitcher a little closer to his chest incredulous, but was hesitant to directly reject the offer.

“Look um... “ Sam dug around in his jeans pocket for his wallet and for one wild affronted moment Castiel thought he was planning on offering him money.

“What are you…?”

Sam held up his hands placatingly and revealed what he’d actually been searching for, a hotel keycard.

“Look… I heard you had to check out of your old hotel room yesterday and you’ve been here with Jack for the last two days… If you wanted to…I don’t know shower, change clothes…” Sam said carefully.

Castiel fell silent, the mild burn of shame rising in his face, he knew he probably looked like a mess with his rumpled clothes and slightly wild hair.

-

‘He’d promised himself a long time ago that he wasn’t ever going to ask the Winchester’s for help, that he was never going to seek out the company of people who for years couldn’t be bothered to so much as call. ’

-

“Samuel… I can’t possibly…”

Sam cut in, “Really it wouldn’t… it’s not any problem I brought my own stuff so the bathroom is still stocked with soap and those little shampoos and you said… you said Jack’s doing okay right now, maybe it’s a good time to…” Sam sighed fidgeting with the card in his hands and finally just holding it out looking just as unsure as Castiel.

Castiel didn’t want to leave Jack behind, he felt like if he looked away for a second the other shoe would drop and he would regret it. He also knew how ridiculous that was, knew he couldn’t just live out of Jack’s hospital room until some yet unknown release date.

-

‘His scalp was starting to itch. ’

-

And the look on Sam’s face… Owing the man, was the last thing he wanted, but he knew that look…

Sam looked desperate. Desperate to do something, to help in some way. Castiel didn’t know how much of that was out of real concern for Jack and how much of it was guilt.

-

‘Somehow he doubted even Sam himself could answer that question.’  

-

But he knew how it felt to not be able to do anything, part of him argued he’d be doing Sam the favor by giving him something helpful to do.

Jack said he felt okay, tried to reassure his uncle that things would be okay. Part of Cas was afraid that all his fear and anxious mollycoddling was what was hurting Jack the most in this moment...

-

‘Even without the probable pneumonia, Jack didn’t have a moment to breathe without worrying about or feeding off of his uncle’s emotions.’

-

Castiel let out a soft resigned sigh.

“Thank you… Sam.”

-

‘Please don’t hurt Jack again…’

-

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

Cas stopped back by Jack’s room to drop off the promised water and let him know about a hundred times that he’d try to be back within the hour. He made Sam promise to call if anything went wrong.

And he did mean anything , by the end of his speech Jack felt like if he looked at Sam the wrong way Castiel would come running.

But eventually Castiel did leave, and Jack and Sam were left to sit awkwardly in the hospital room Jack slowly sipping at his water in a foam cup and eyeing Sam sheepishly.

Jack felt his face burn remembering practically breaking into tears when Castiel left the day before.

He felt… foolish.

When Jack woke up this… early afternoon, he'd still been bone-tired and congested in his chest like he had a bad cold. But unlike the day before his head was clear and didn't hurt and the horrible pain that had taken over his core was back to being dull and far away.

And he'd been hungry. He hadn't had an appetite for days...

Even the doctor had looked a little confused when he'd asked sheepishly if it was too late for breakfast.

He'd been relieved at first but now? Now he was just… embarrassed.

Had he overreacted the day before? Had all his crying and fear misled the doctors and Cas?

No that couldn't be it, he remembered the stabbing pain in his stomach remembered doctor Hannah waking him up in the middle of the night for more tests the terrifying grimness with which she delivered her news.

-

‘The fear in his uncle's eyes.’

-

But everything he felt the day before was blurred and hazy, like a bad nightmare. Like a hit and run where the only marks left behind were the bruises on his face and the worry lines on his uncle's.

'And the bone… no soul-deep tiredness…'

Jack didn’t want to think about it.

He wanted to distance himself as far as possible from the tears and terrifying feeling of the night before…

-

"You don't know what's wrong with me?"

-

Jack swallowed the lump in his throat.

-

‘Maybe it’s over now…’

-

He was nearly grown, he wasn't going to fall apart in front of Sam again. If he was going to be fine there was no reason for him to be childish, internally begging for his uncle and outwardly crying, not again.

He didn’t want Sam to think about him that way, like a little kid he felt sorry for.

-

‘In the end no one really wanted kids around.’

-

He had practically clung to Sam the day before when the doctor came for the LP.

It was so embarrassing just thinking about it made Jack want to cry again so he blinked hard and tried to find a course of action that wasn’t making a fool of himself.

Sitting in a hospital got boring very quickly when you weren’t in a drug and pain haze.

Jack cleared his throat sitting up as straight as he could in bed, “H-hey Sam?”

“Hmm?” Sam looked up pensive from his ever-present work laptop, "Do you need something? More water?"

Jack felt his determination to act as adult as possible waver as soon as the older man's attention was directed at him. He mouthed wordlessly for a moment before gathering the nerve to continue.

"No… thank you," he said sheepishly, "it's uh… I was just wondering if I could have my phone back?"

Sam blinked like a deer in the headlights, "Your...phone?"

Jack quickly cut in, "Yeah, I think it's still in one of Cas's jacket's pockets?"

-

'Cas had left the coat hanging over the back of his chair to stand vigil while he was gone. '

-

Sam glanced between the coat and Jack unsure.

"Aren't you grounded?"

Jack opened his mouth to speak paused to cough then cleared his throat and did his best to sound authoritative.

"I was, but only until Monday… this Monday… which it now is, so…"

Jack conveniently left out the fact he knew he'd probably be grounded for the next month for admitting to the whole… weed thing.

Sam still looked unconvinced.

"Please," Jack couldn't keep the desperation out of his voice, "I just… I’ve been here all weekend, and… and…"

-

'I hate it here, I want to go home…'

-

"... I haven't been at school, exams are coming up I… I need to talk to someone about notes and… and homework and stuff?"

Sam began to teeter.

-

'I just want to talk to someone, anyone not here, to know things are okay out there… to know I'll be okay…'

-

"Please S-sam," Jack's voice broke around a fit of coughing that was enough to make his eyes water.

"None of my friends now I'm here,” Jack choked breathily regaining his air, "I… they’re probably worried…"

-

'if they even care…'

-

"I just… want them to know I'm okay…" he finished lamely looking down and picking at the tape of his IV line.

He heard Sam sigh and the slight squeak of one of his chair being pulled across the floor.

"Alright… alright… but if you're ur uncle gets mad at me I'm telling him you tricked me…”

Jack looked up to see Sam had pulled the chair with the jacket within reach and was patting down the pockets for his phone.

He felt a wave of relief when he saw the familiar black and a yellow of his Star Wars phone case.

"Th-thank you…" Jack said quickly bashful taking the phone from Sam, praying it was still charged when he pressed the power button.

Thankfully it was still at seventy-five percent and Jack felt a second wave of relief seeing there were seven missed texts.

-

'way to be needy Jack…'

-

The first one was from Maggie, a simple…

M: 'Hey Jack you weren't at school today, is everything okay?'

The rest… were from Clarke.

C: 'Dude…'

C: 'Hey… d U d E'

C: 'where you @ Maggie is freaking out thinking you got suspended 'cause you weren't in first period.'

C: 'Wait did you get suspended for that BS in Mr. Shirley's class?'

C: 'Dude there was a sub in your dad-uncle's class during third? The hell is going on???'

C: 'did you get expelled? cause I'll fight mr. Shit-ly if you did…'

Jack rolled his eyes but his mouth twitched in a warm smile.

Clark was usually aloof and more interested in goofing off than actually accomplishing… literally anything. But he was always down to clown when someone actually needed something. Especially when it involved “sticking it to the man…”

“Your mom’s the Sheriff doesn’t that make her ‘the man’?” Jack pointed out one day.

“Shut up it’s not that deep…”

Jack bit his lip, not sure where to even start explaining the mess of the last few days.

J: ‘Hey.’ Jack texted sheepishly.

For a long moment, there was no response, then there were about five pings in rapid succession.

C: 'Wtf!'

C: 'Dude we thought you'd died or something?'

C: 'Is your uncle still bogarting your phone or something?'

C: 'did you really get expelled?"

C: 'wherr are you?'

Jack paused again.

J:'Kansas? What’s bogarting?'

Clark seemed even more confused.

C: 'Kansas?'

C: 'Oh right! The thing with your weird cousins or something right? You guys are still there? Did your car uncle’s car break down or something?'

Jack hesitated. There was the question.

J: 'Half brothers not cousins and no…’

J: ‘I'm in the hospital.'

There was a good five minutes where the 'Clark is typing' dots danced across the bottom of the screen.

C: 'Wtf not funny man…’

Jack sighed.

J: ‘I'm being serious.'

More furious typing ensued...

C: 'What the hell? Did you guys get in a wreck or something?’

J: ‘I just said the car’s fine I…’

Jack started typing trying to explain but his injured arm was beginning to ache. He looked around nervously and seeing Sam was sufficiently distracted by his laptop he lifted his phone up and (between deep purple bruise, dark circles and decorative nasal cannula) took probably one of the second or third worst selfies he'd ever taken.

C: 'Dude wtf, your face!'

Jack gingerly flexed the fingers on his injured side.

J: 'I know…'

C: 'You look like you tried to kool-aid man through a brick wall.'

Jack was mildly offended, he didn't think he looked as bad as all that...

J: 'I know…' he typed a little begrudgingly.

C: 'The hell? Did you get in a fight or something? Wait wait did one of your brothers do that?'

Jack quickly refuted that

J: 'No! I just… lost a fight with a sink…'

Clark replied with about a dozen question marks.

C: '????? Tf does that mean? What's with the twenty questions man, your freaking me out. Did something happen? Cause I know you’re like terminally clumsy sometimes but that’s a lot.'

Jack fiddled with his pulse-ox for a moment, considering, he didn't need any more pity, he wished people would realize it just freaked him out when they treated him like a dead man walking.

Then again that really wasn't Clark...

J: 'I passed out on Saturday night, and apparently had a seizure, and I was pretty sick, so… Now I'm stuck here.'

Clark replied almost immediately

C: 'Did you piss yourself?'

There was the Clark Jack knew.

J: '???'

Clark sent a shrugging emoji.

C: ‘What? My mom watches a lot of Grey’s Anatomy. I heard it can happen.’

Jack rolled his eyes,

J: 'I don't remember and I'm definitely not gonna ask.'

Jack blushed a little.

C: 'I got it sorry for asking'

C: 'what was wrong though? You okay?'

Jack felt his chest tighten and coughed, trying to clear the anxiousness built up there.

C: 'Dude? You still, there? You can’t suddenly stop talking after dropping that bombshell you're freaking my out man…'

Jack shook himself.

J: 'They're still doing tests, I've been poked like 16 times, they even stuck a needle in my back because they wanted to make sure I don't have meningitis… Which I don’t btw.'

Clark showed the utmost sympathy.

C: 'RIP Jack.'

C: 'You are okay though right?'

'I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.'

J: 'I'm feeling a lot better today at least...'

It was the truth, but every fiber of his body was calling him a liar, reminding him he knew nothing.

C: 'Any idea when they'll let you out?'

'Not a clue…'

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

Hey guys sorry it's taken so long for me to get back it's been a crazy month and I've been having a rough time getting back into my old writing habit.

Also this is weird in-between chapter...

[thesevillereport]

In Focus: Wall St. Vs. Main St.

It is getting spooky out here. Whether you're an investor or not, you've likely felt it, the divide between Main Street and Wall Street. Without a doubt the two are on two different plains, analyzing and assessing the situation through two different sets of glasses, and that's a bit scary to me, and it should be to you no matter what side of this you find yourself on.

Since hitting its coronavirus low on March 23, 2020 the Dow has increased by 30%. A 30% increased based on very little good news. The major investors are celebrating, but I'm not exactly sure what we're celebrating.

There is still no cure for COVID-19, and the closest thing we have for a treatment is Gilead Sciences (GILD) drug remdesivir, which has been approved for emergency use in the U.S.  But with no cure and a treatment still in the works, states have begun to reopen. Wall Street has taken the states reopening as an all-clear sign to jump back into the markets. The rising markets could be another financial disaster waiting to happen.

As I expected places like New York have stabilized, while middle America is starting to get hit with rising coronavirus cases. Georgia has seen an increase in COVID-19 cases since reopening. North Carolina saw 639 new cases on May 6, 2020, the most ever, but the state is still reopening. Sadly, it appears states have locked themselves into a reopening schedule, with no regard for new information medical or otherwise.  

But why did I expect this? In New York City, there are a large number of people who were not born and raised in New York City. The city is filled with transplants, some of middle America's best and brightest minds, who all converge on the city to chase the dollar. But in a time of crisis, and a city going into lock down, I expected those bright minds who had exposure to the virus to flee the city and head back to middle America, exposing a new set of people to the virus. But now I wonder, when New York reopens, and those people head back to the city that has stabilized, do we see a new rise in cases in NYC?

Don't Miss The RallySome have suggested FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) as the reason behind the recent market rally. Investors are putting money into the markets because they are fearful of missing out on the rally back to all time highs. There was a lot of money lost by money managers and others that took their cues from the U.S. administration, and played the coronavirus like a flu. Those firms lost a lot of money, very quickly, and they are eager to make it back.

Also, the everyday investors, especially those that read this column, understand that the seeds of fortune are planted during a crisis. With that philosophy it's best to buy when everyone is fearful. I'll admit, I've been nibbling here and there, buying stocks on the way down and on the way up, but this rally has really thrown me for a loop.

Let's examine one of my largest positions, Apple (AAPL), and what has happened to that stock over the past 6 month. The stock rallied in late 2019 and into 2020, making a pre-coronavirus all-time high of $327 per share. The reason behind the rally was 5G in iPhones. I've stated several times before that it was a weak investment theory, and didn't warrant a $327 stock price. As travel bans and shelter-in-place orders hit, Apple's stock traded down to $224 per share on March 23, 2020. On May 8, 2020 the stock closed at $310 per share, which is mind blowing.

The country is experiencing high levels of unemployment. 20 million Americans lost their jobs in April. Food banks are finding it harder to secure food. The U.S. meat industry is facing a major disruption. Businesses big and small are about to go under, some of the names we've known for as long as we've been alive may go under for good, and investors think people are going to make buying the next iPhone a priority? What am I missing?

I've been told that I'm missing the changing economic data. That gasoline demand bottomed the week ending April 10, and since then has been climbing back up. That passenger screenings at airports are now double what they were during the lows in April, and that mortgage purchase applications have increased 40% since mid-March.

While I've seen the data, I've been surprised by most of it, except the demand in gasoline rising. People have a need to move, I assumed that with the slightest lift of restrictions people would go everywhere they could. But a rise in mortgage applications is surprising. To see the data that so many American's feel confident enough in their jobs and ability to earn that they are back to buying houses definitely caught me off guard. The same with airline travel. While I did expect airlines were going to provide great deals to fly, to see that people are ready to sit next to strangers in a metal tube of recycled air as we still battle the coronavirus nationally and internationally, again caught me off guard.

I've had to ask myself was I caught off guard because of the rapidly rising markets or because the market didn't double bottom when I expected them to? I'd have to say I'm more caught off guard by the rapidly rising markets. If the markets never retested the lows of March, but were up single digits or even10% from March 23, I could find some, but not a lot to justify those types of gains. I can't find any justification for a 30% gain in the Dow.

There is the belief that the Fed will save everything, which is likely what's driving the positive changes in some economic data, but will the Fed's moves provide the average 9-to-5er with enough confidence in the economy to buy the next iPhone or that big screen TV on Black Friday? I don't think so. I still remember when I received my stimulus check from the Bush Administration, I clung to it for dear life. At the rate I had witnessed people close to me lose their jobs I tried to hold onto every dollar coming in, I even started drinking well gin, ugh.

What is scary about this current situation is this current administration, which has used the stock market as its report card. Pre-coronavirus crisis, and during a time of 50 year lows in unemployment, and the stock market reaching all-time highs, the administration pressured the Fed to lower rates in order to keep the stock market rolling, not because it was in the best interest of the average American.  

With the stock market skyrocketing off those March lows, the current administration may mistake the stock market being good for the country being good, and that could be a disaster for us all, investors and non-investors alike.

There is still some bad $h!t coming. Over a month ago I discussed the change in commercial real estate that would occur if working at home turned out to be efficient for companies (same level of productivity while not in the office), and big companies decided to not renew leases of large work spaces. From the news this week, I was onto something. Every day of the past week I read or watched a report about the big hit that could hit commercial real estate as more companies move to at-home work forces. If commercial real estate takes a hit, how many other industries feel the pain?

What Should Investors Do?

Investors should continue to nibble at the markets, buying good companies at value prices when they can. Investors should avoid going all in on any one name. If you're sitting on $5,000, going all in on Disney because it's down isn't the wisest move. Break that investment up, buy some Disney now and some later. Investors should also have an exit strategy. Because we're in what feels like a silly season, we're seeing stock prices rise to levels that their fundamentals do not warrant, take advantage of this and be prepared to sell and get out while the getting is good.

What Should Non-Investors Do?

Non-investors should do everything the investors were instructed to do. The country isn't out of the woods, but the stock market is rising. The president and his administration puts the stock market over almost everything. The investor is in favor, so become one as soon as possible and reap the rewards of taxpayer bailouts, dividend payments, and share buybacks that increase your ownership stake.

Stay safe, invest with your head and not over it.

[lovehaswonangelnumbers]

New Post has been published on https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/saturn-pluto-controlled-collapse-or-police-state-or-civil-war-or-regeneration/

Saturn/Pluto: Controlled collapse? Or Police State? Or Civil War? Or REGENERATION

Saturn/Pluto: Controlled collapse? Or Police State? Or Civil War? Or REGENERATION

By Ann Kreilkamp

I sit here wondering whether we’re headed into a controlled collapse (this seems to be Trump’s preference) or an even more massive, intrusive, and controlling federal government — or both. The big question for now: Is the second necessary in order to achieve the first?And if both, which comes first?

Because the other obvious alternative is, of course, collapse, chaos, pure and simple, and prolonged, and with it, civil war. To be avoided.

Of course my preference is the fourth, lesser known alternative: regeneration, likely following a controlled collapse, and I will add, through permaculture practiced everywhere, horizontally networked, rural, suburban and urban, cooperatively, by individuals, families, neighbors, small connected groups, all linked locally and exchanging energy with small, locally owned businesses, and all of us learning from and growing with Nature herself.

All these future alternatives loom as powerful reverberations from mid-January’s once-every-35 year Saturn/Pluto conjunction, this one in Saturn’s ruling sign Capricorn, ratchet through the interstices of human civilization.

The last time we had a run on the stock market and near-collapse of the fiat money system was in early 2008, just as Pluto had entered Capricorn. Pluto doesn’t leave Capricorn for Aquarius until 2025. Still plenty of time for Pluto to further demolish and/or radically reorganize long-standing, top-down, hierarchical Capricornian structures.

Meanwhile, Saturn enters radical, innovative, group-minded, airy Aquarius on March 23, for a test run through late June 2020. Let us welcome three months of experimentation with new Saturnine forms for the Plutonian life force to flow through. I’ll get back to that, but first:

Bottom Line: What this virus psy-op scare has done is force humanity to disgorge all the F.E.A.R. (False Evidence Appearing Real) that has been building/seething/germinating/rotting in the collective unconscious since the birth of this nation in 1776!

It’s purgation time, folks, and hopefully we will at some point be able to look back and recognize this astonishing trauma, when whatever we took for granted suddenly blinks out — as our prolonged collective healingprocess, during which we as a species released enough pent-up fear to let go and allow in LOVE, the only other real emotion.

(Anger, remember, is but denied, projected fear.)

Fear contracts, controls. Love expands, allows. Fear perceives scarcity, distrustful. Love knows abundance, trusts in the benevolence of the universe. The choice between fear and love is truly ours, each of us individually, and it must be made moment by moment, with every breath. When enough of us are intentionally and consciously letting go of fear to allow in love, the frequency field of Love, which both fills and fuels the universe, can build, stabilize, flourish, pump its naturally healing energy throughout our sad, addled, restless, medicated, exhausted society.

How the U.S. especially works with the Saturn/Pluto conjunction is key. Because ours is the world’s largest economy, and our current president, Donald J. Trump, is the one other national leaders look to to provide the model for destroying long-planned globalism and returning to nationalism, where every country “makes itself great again.”

(That would be a good start. And let’s go further: decentralize down to first, our sovereign selves, and then to our sovereign localities, horizontally networked into sovereign bioregions, circling the world through our small permaculture farms.)

Over the next five years Pluto is returning to its natal place, at 27° Capricorn in the U.S. chart, for the very first time, after 248 years.The first return of any planet to its natal place in the lifetime of, in this case, a nation, is a period of time when that planet’s meaning finally becomes evident. And what is the meaning of Pluto? Pluto equals Power. The primal power of the life force which can be used creatively ((as “power from within”) abused (as “power over another”) and/or refused (cf. the toxic internal energy build-up of those who feel victimized rather than celebrate their sovereign selves.)

Pluto can be used to control through force or to encourage and empower. Which shall it be? Clearly, our nation has been on a war-mongering rampagesince its inception, however disguised as “good” and “heroic” — and our military industrial complex dominates our own economy while plundering, occupying and enslaving much of the rest of the world. The U.S. has historically acted like a testosterone-driven teenager; other nations, especially those older and wiser than ours, know that you don’t use Pluto that way without its power blowing back at you. In short, during this first Pluto return the U.S. government will either learn from its past, clean out the corruption and dismantle much of its fattened bureaucracy or, likely, die off, in order for this land and its peoples to begin again.

But meanwhile, we can be glad that, thanks to Pluto, the nasty fear-based gunk that has been stored in the collective unconscious has finally surfaced. And, as I mentioned in another post, we can be glad that the very successful media operation to spread fear and panic has finally united the entire world! Too bad it took fear of a virus to do it. Not even “climate change” was enough to galvanize the public into changing behavior. Heck, end of the world in ten years? No worries! Party on! But make that fear one directed towards our own bodies, and does so now, right now, in the present moment, when so many bodies have been either ignored or turned into machines at the gym; right now, when so many bodies have been stuffed  with junk food, fast food, processed food, sugary and alcoholic drinks and legal (pharmaceutical) and other drugs (not to mention chem trailed air, fluoridated water, denatured or chemicalized soil used for growing GMO “food”)) for decades, well then, no wonder the Fear builds, takes over the mind.

Scene at one grocery store yesterday: besides no toilet paper, all the frozen pizzas gone. All the meat, gone. Canned goods, gone. But the produce section? Especially the organic produce section? No problem, fully stocked.

Meanwhile, we in Green Acres Villageare preparing for planting as usual, carefully placing seeds in soil blocks and glad there are “no more than ten people” grouped to live here in these three houses. I wonder: will they enforce a “lock-down” to the extent that we aren’t even supposed to venture outside? Not even into our own yards? If so, how can we plant our seedlings?

Every person on this planet where the “corona virus” has infected the collective mind has been affected in some way. For me, it’s economic concerns: Our Air B&B is currently down, given that IU is down as well as all restaurants and bars and cultural events and most of our paying guests come here because of our proximity to the university and all that it offers. And it’s concern about whether enough rents will come in next month to pay all the expenses, given that some podmates in the gig economy have been thrown out of work. For housemate Dan, it’s realizing he can’t get his car back from the high school class where they were going to fix it, since they suddenly and unexpectedly closed down for the entire semester! For Charisse, it’s switching from delivering people where they want to go to delivering take-out for them. For Andreas, one of the lucky ones who is on contract for his work, it’s trying very hard not to worry about the scary virus. On and on.

I do notice that those of us who, as elders, have lived through other extremely strong events (like JFK assasination and 911) are more likely to be able to weather this latest unfolding Plutonian collective trauma that appears to be easily unraveling whatever fragile cultural/political/economic structures remained.

Today, notice that Mars is within two degrees of Jupiter, making everything that happens bigger, more sweeping. Jupiter itself is now at 22°, only two degrees from Pluto. So the three planets are in a tight four-degree conjunction. Boom!

Meanwhile, Capricorn Moon creeps up to cross the stellium, moving at a rate of one degree every two hours, TODAY and TONIGHT..

In his presser today and yesterday, Trump assumed that this virus scare will begin to fade in two weeks, IF we all cooperate in keeping our social distance and staying home. Astrologically, it looks like his timing is about right. And it looks like this virus scare scam is actually uniting Americans, and not just through F.E.A.R.: we are all changing our behavior for at least these two weeks, no matter how polarized our silly external “identities” or internal “perspectives.” Bingo!

What’s next? Well, let’s just fast-forward to December 21, when Jupiter finally enters Aquarius and Saturn follows, close behind, to meet up at 0° Aquarius on December 21, Winter Solstice, 2020! Can you believe the timing? Astonishing.

And fascinating, to note that this date will also be the three year delta for Trump’s first EO, the one that threw down the gauntlet on the horrific hidden corruption of human trafficking that has been secretly poisoning society.

And that, folks, that time when Saturn and Jupiter meet up with each other in their own Great Conjunction (every 20 years) now in Aquarius, is when the experimentation with brand new and more equitable ways of doing everything, of learning how to cooperate as equals, will really begin, and grow, and later be joined by Pluto in 2025 to deepen and penetrate into the newly fertilized soil of a regenerated humanity.

This all assumes, however, that the current apocalyptic thinking has subsided enough to be able to think creatively again. Something us old peace warrior apocalyptic thinkers have been doing for many years: we’ve known that the world could not continue to grow technologically and economically by consume infinite resources on a finite planet. Knowing the “collapse” was coming, we’ve been creating little lotus pads, like our little Green Acres Village;our little experiments in “community from the ground up” have been sprouting from the detritus of the old spoiled civilization; we are now the wayshowers for what will become a larger movement, to live in a loving, more cooperative manner that acknowledges and integrates the shadow wherever it is found, rather than burying it so that it surfaces again and again as F.E.A.R. — of our own inner lives, of our own bodies, of each other, of the Earth.

P.S. Check out Martin Geddes latest newsletter. Sent to my inbox today. Love it.

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[daytodaymusings]

23 things that have led me to where I am now... (24)

It’s crazy to think that I turned 24 yesterday ... this past year has been one heck of a rollercoaster (and no I am not trying to make a Jonas brother pun here). I’ve had so many experiences on both a small and big scale all of which I’ll take with me in year twenty four and more. But here’s a breakdown of the twenty three BIG ones.

1. I attended a Jonas Brothers Concert ... and it was by far THE BEST present I’ve ever given myself. After years of pining over them *looks over at life size poster in the living room* and screaming their lyrics on the top of my lungs with my best friends I finally got the chance to see THE Jonas Brothers LIVE. IN CONCERT. Not to mention, I got to touch Nick and possibly Joe? (I don’t know the night was a blur from the excitement and disbelief). Such a massive moment in my friendship with S too! 

2. I lost my Grandmother ... who I had just spoken to the night before on the phone. who I adore more than anything in the world. who got me started on soap operas and washing my hands after I touch everything. who broke her arm trying to keep me from falling out of the bed when I was younger and made fun of me for putting on make up when I was older. & who made me laugh because she was so cute and lively and had such a personality. It hurts that I was worlds away when it happened and it hurts knowing that I don’t have someone to go back to anymore, in what used to be my favorite place in the world. Hold on tight to the ones you love, kids. You never know when you’ll be saying your last “I love you”. (You love me)

3. I celebrated my other Grandmother’s birthday with a surprise trip ... we went on a cruise with the majority of the family and I had such a great time celebrating and laughing with her. May have also developed asthma from all the smoke inhalation because someone just HAD to get all the BINGO letters for the $100 prize at the casinos... *spoiler alert: we didn’t get it* But we did make it away with a bag of chocolates stolen from a secret birthday event for her and others. Grandma drunk on laughter = the best kind of drunk. 

4. I started nursing school ... because I finally realized what makes my heart skip a beat. It isn’t just having the ability to care for another human being. I love watching sick babies recover and finally get to go home, seeing the faces of first time parents and grandparents when they hold their newborn. I love the coo-ing noises the babies make when they are happy in your arms or in a bathtub. And I love how at work I am inspired by all the people and stories around me. (Low key hate myself for not realizing all of this sooner though... could’ve saved some $$$). 

5. I traveled to Australia ... an unexpected but much needed trip I decided to tag along with my parents and Grandma (and a few others), who had been planning it for awhile. I hadn’t traveled anywhere new in awhile and Australia was beyond my wildest dreams. In total in the whole week (9 days?) I was there I ate 5 meals and averaged 3 hours of sleep a night. Was it healthy though? Yes, cause I learned about a whole new culture and saw spectacular views of a lifetime. 

6. I wrote a song ... and it was SO. MUCH. FUN. I took this analogy that I had been thinking of for so long and just put it into words. It honestly came to me when I was at the casino on the cruise and looked over at the LOML and suddenly I spilled feelings that I had been hiding for a long time onto a page and added a melody that reminded me of the moment and the feelings... and I showed it to a few people who said it sounded like my idol, #TaylorSwift. AHHH!

7. And then another one ... came to fruition. Suddenly I had two songs and a whole new hobby I enjoyed that allows me to put beautiful, heartbreaking, magical, angry moments into frames filled with words. 

8. I cleaned this guy’s house ... and thought maybe for one second he’d maybe just maaayyyybeeee like me back. A part of me also did it for closure, which I got by leaving a 2 paged letter on how I felt about him and how I finally realized I had to let go, because as much as I loved him he would never see me that way...ever. Even after everything we had put each other through. And in case you were wondering, by clean, I mean I spent 4+ hours on all fours wiping up vomit and beer off the floor and washing his dishes because why stop with the floor, right? 

9. Made a couple new friends ... E.C & C.J you guys know who you are. Thank you for being the only two people who understand me and being up for drinking a margarita with me any time, any day. #PrayForOurLivers But also, I love our friendship and how I know I always have my back no matter what. 

10. Cut off some “friends” ... which was a long time coming. I hurt. Especially the moment that I realized I was depending on people who were no longer there. Who only needed me when they needed me and would tell me I owed them or they owed me. That’s just not what friendship is and not the kind of relationships I want in life. I don’t want to wake up wondering if I was used by someone I care for and wondering why we only hang out once in a blue moon when convenient for them.

11. Hosted 5 girls from Spain ... who I bonded with and learned a lot from in regards to our nursing educations. We went to DC and the beach and there was one awesome night of drunken craziness that brought back memories of when I was in Spain. #TQESPAÑA I also learned to step out of my comfort zone and make new friends even if I might not feel comfortable right away because they seem 3387420974923 times cooler. But the truth is.. (and I think I need to reread this line over and over on the bad days).... people will accept you for your generosity and hospitality. Your looks and how “cool” you are don’t matter on a large scale. It’s how you are willing to go out for people even if you don’t know them that really sticks out and makes you friend and human material. And who knows, you might even make new friends in new places. 

12. Went on a Spontaneous Busch Gardens Trip ... screamed. and shout(ed). and let it all out. It was a much needed time and a crazy ass trip. We got to ride The Gryffin, aka MY FAVORITE RIDE EVER, 5 times before we left the park. And even with the rain, we still had an amazing time together. Big lesson here? You have to make the best of every moment and create your own sunshine. You deserve it. 

13. Took a 2 hour break at work ... I NEVER take breaks. And if I do it is maybe 30 minutes total in my 12 hour day. It is something I get yelled at for but I can’t sit around knowing people need help. But one day, E and I got lunch cause we were both working and then celebrated with milkshakes later in the afternoon, totaling to 2 hours of recovered time from the year and a half I have not been taking breaks. Regrets? None. My body and mind needed it so very much. 

14. Had one awesome night playing basketball ... gosh I don’t even remember how it happened but I remember having the respect of every guy in the room. Being the only girl that plays with them can suck, especially cause testosterone runs high and boys can be rude and such ball hoggers. What’s so big about winning? NOTHING. But I definitely won that night and showed ‘em I’m just as capable if not more. *cue the song “Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better”*

15. Completed my fourth Spartan Race ... the BEAST, which sucked due to the cold. (Thanks, Winter). But it was so so so so AWESOME seeing what I had been capable of accomplishing. of what my body is able to do. Even more so it was just all such a fun experience and the first time I set my mind to something and just committed and stuck it out, even though my body would ache and it was tiring driving a whole day in the car to get to places, sleep 2 hours, and race. 

16. Told what I thought was a white lie ... but even white lies can turn a rainbow dark. I felt that I was doing the right thing, and later learned how wrong I was. Especially as time passed on and I kept up with the lie. The truth can be a very scary thing to admit to, but it’s important that you tell it because it sets you free. Even if it is the biggest mistake of your life and you know that once you say it aloud it makes it will make a deafening mark on your life, you have to. There just isn’t a way around it. 

17. Finished an essay months before it was due ... I’ve never been a procrastinator and I am so thankful for it. But also for those who are... let me just say... going into a semester knowing you’ve finished the biggest project that is going to be assigned = BEST. FEELING. IN. THE. WORLD. Right next to, Nick Jonas’s soft ass hands. 

18. Learned how to play the guitar ... which made songwriting possible. I always wanted to learn it because I love hearing acoustic versions of songs and also Taylor Swift. It’s amazing what you can accomplish with the help of youtube, 4 chords, and hella determination. 

19. Finally realized that people aren’t capable of change ... and it’s ok. Sometimes we don’t need people to change who they are, we have to change ourselves and our perspectives. The world isn’t black and white. We all have the ability to see it however we want to. But most importantly, when we do decide to make a change, we need to make sure we’re doing it all for the right reasons. We shouldn’t do it for someone to want us. We shouldn’t do it because we saw someone else do it. We do it because it’s the right thing for us ... and stick to it because one change can make a hell of a difference. 

20. Finished 6 ice cream bars in one sitting ... and then went to cycle bar. 0/10 recommend. 

21. Stopped responding right away ... because NO ONE should ever spend every single second of their life glued to a small screen. There is so much life around us and it’s become such a bad habit for us to forget that and to lose ourselves in social media. 

22. Started Travel Pig’s instagram ... @itstravelpig for those who want to add her. (YES, MY FRIENDS, I’VE DECIDED IT IS A HER/SHE/GIRL.) I thought it could build some cultural awareness or atleast be a platform to share cool story about new places. But i’ve been slacking on it... oops. But traveling and learning about new cultures have been a huge part of my growing up and I wanted to share it and try to help people realize that even with all the differences in skin tone we’re all just amazing human beings capable of so much beauty. 

23. Blew out the candles on my melting cake ... without making a wish. It was there, in that moment, that I realized I am truly happy again. I have found a good group of people to surround myself with, passion, a new hobby, but most importantly MYSELF. I don’t think it all would have been possible without all the hurt and confusion that I have felt in the past two years, so I’m thankful that people took me for granted and left me out on the side of the street. But... 

a very important honorable mention is needed now. I have to say, I wouldn’t be this type of happy if it were not for a special someone, who has stayed by my side through it all. Even in the worst times, you stayed and held onto me, making sure I knew I still had a home even though I was wandering around...lost. I love you. You know who you are. 

Those who were there in the passing, those who got away, thank you for teaching me to appreciate life and the moments. Those who left without a backwards glance, you all will never be forgotten and will instead serve as gentle reminders that I am better because of them. stronger too. Those who stayed, well, let me just say, I can’t wait to see what 24 has in store. 

Cheers to one hell of a ride and the start of 24.