#2023 was not a sad year

[pugsarecool]

it's december now, time to reflect (:

turning 23 this yr was like a shock to my system almost. this year consisted of a ton of growth & reflection.

21-22 yr old me vs 23 yr old me are vastly different kind of.

i'm no longer interested in most of the stuff i would constantly chase after or would indulge in alot. for instance, i've stopped giving people or situations my attention, energy, reaction, etc. because i just genuinely don't see the point in a lot of things, so i shrug it off and pretend like as if it never happened.

i've stopped drinking / smoking as much, i never enjoyed either one of those activities; but felt like i had to bc i would be the odd one out. but i've had many nights so far of going out with friends and not feeling the need to partake in that, i can have fun w/o it lol.

i haven't been engaging in meaningless relations w anyone so far. sure i've had my few hookups this year but it was mostly for all the wrong reasons. whether it was bc i wanted the ego boost of knowing i could get w a hot girl or because i just wanted the temporary companionship from a girl even if it was just for one night. the temptation is still there bc i'm still in college and its not hard to get sex even from girls, but i think about it before even entertaining the idea. i think to myself if it'll even be worth it after its all said and done; usually no. so i've just been keeping myself away from all of that and just enjoying my solitude as i normally do bc i know that if i go back to that phase of life where i was just hooking up w girls constantly and then dealing w the repercussions of it all, i won't know how to get out of that bc i genuinely lost myself in all of that and i don't want to lose myself again.

+ i haven't been genuinely interested in anyone either, i've just been so used to trying to better myself and prioritize myself so much that i just don't have the energy to care for dating, relationships, etc. there are times where i crave romance and intimacy with someone, but that's usually at 3am when i can't sleep and overthinking lol, once i wake up in the morning i just dont care. i've had two-ish talking stages this year, and i ruined both of them bc i refuse to prioritize anyone but myself lately. i just physically cannot commit to anything but me. the idea of a relationship sounds nice, but i'm just not willing to put in the time or effort

my career interests have constantly changed, and i was able to finally rationalize and be honest with myself as to where i want to be in life and where my ambitions are best put to use. i was working in tech this summer in seattle, it was great but i knew i had higher ambitions for myself. i was constantly debating whether to work in tech or finance, and i narrowed it down to finance and was thankfully able to land a banking job. my plan is to work in california for about two years to be able to build my professional network even further, save up $$$ and eventually live in nyc for a bit before coming back to california to hopefully settle down lol.

i started to appreciate my family and loved ones a whole lot more. i cherish every single one of them. i even visited my parents' home country and got to meet one of my grandmas for the very first time. as well as, being exposed to a very different part of the world that made me realize how much of a sheltered / comfortable life i live. i was crying a bit when the plane took off from El Salvador back home bc i felt like i was leaving behind family members and how i wished i could take them out of their current living situations that made my heart heavy. all it took was that one trip for me to get a grip on myself and realize how blessed i truly am and to always appreciate the moments i have with my family members.

[wardingshout]

Zelda goes mushroom girl

[kidovna]

🤝🏻 part 1 (next)

[evercelle]

How do you do anatomy? And when you get artblock, what are you doing?

anatomy: make stuff up use references, observe bodies in art + media + ur everyday life, look at anatomy notes! i got taco1704's book (it's in KR and EN) but they also posted a lot of it online; simodasketch and kawaiisensei also have a lot of excellent diagrams. and sometimes i really do just make stuff up

artblock: that's harder to answer :') i got pretty burned out and couldn't draw anything good for what felt like months, even though i tried every day... if you get stuck, i think it's probably better to take a break and go consume instead of create for awhile. i played a bunch dawntrail/fields of mistria and started reading orv until the worms came back home haha. recharge ur battery and look for new inspiration...!

[voidedjuice]

Alyssa

[royalarchivist]

Fit: Where are you, Pac? I got you, I got you, I gotchu!

Pac: I'm in- I'm in- I'm in heaven, Fit! I'm in heaven...

Fit: No, you're not in heaven yet! You're not going to heaven, no no no–

Pac: I'm gonna go for... I'm going- I'm going to the light, I'm going to the light...

Fit: Stay with me, stay with me! Stay with me.

Pac: I'm going for the light– [Sighs in relief as he's revived] I'm here.

Fit: You're good, you're good.

[Full Transcript ↓ ]

—

Tina: Wow, the radius for that is huge.

Pac: [Steps on a mine and gets blown up] Whoa!

Fit: Oh, those are all mines, arent' they? Those are all mines, you bastard.

Aypierre: Let- let- let me fix this road... [He starts placing blocks]

Foolish: See? This is why mines need to be allowed, they're too fun.

Fit: [Laughs]

Pac: Yeah, actually.

Aypierre: Look, look– it's perfect, it's perfect.

Pac: [Steps on one of the blocks Aypierre placed, which was a mine, and immediately blows up]

Fit: Pac! No, Pac���! NOOO!!!

Pac: [Laughs and then shouts at Aypierre]

Aypierre: Where are you, Pac?

[Time skip]

Foolish: Did you get your stuff, Tina?

Tina: I will... I'll find a way... [She steps on a mine and blows up] AAAAAAAAA–

[Fit and Pac laugh]

Tina: PLEASE!

Fit: Those are all mines!

Tina: No, please! My stuff! I gotta go– [She gets lit on fire and screams again] PLEASE!

Pac: God damnnit!

Tina: Please, I just want my stuff back!

[They all laugh]

Fit: Jesus.

Tina: I'm gonna go get it! I'm gonna get it! Aghhhh–

Foolish: [Jumping in after Tina] Wait, there could be another landmine!

Tina: I want my things, Foolish!!!

Pac: [Jumps in too and steps on a landmmine, which immediately downs him] AAAAA!!!

Fit: Sht– Where are you, Pac? I got you, I got you, I gotchu!

Pac: [Overlapping with Fit] I'm in- I'm in- I'm in heaven, Fit! I'm in heaven...

Fit: No, you're not in heaven yet! You're not going to heaven, no no no–

Pac: I'm gonna go for... I'm going- I'm going to the light, I'm going to the light...

Fit: Stay with me, stay with me! Stay with me.

Pac: I'm going for the light– [Sighs in relief as he's revived] I'm here.

Fit: You're good, you're good.

Tina: Oh god... I'm scared, I'm scared!

Foolish: You did it!

[diathadevil]

Day 7 - Scatter

His biggest fear.

(Bonus doodle underneath because I felt bad for Fakir so I ended up making this into a dream sequence comic :'] )

[aturnoftheearth]

THE MUTUALS. THEY’RE FLOODING BACK TO THE DESTIEL TRENCHES OH MY GOD

[drev-the-procrastinator]

Like. ok

ok 15 12s from the juries and zero (0!!!!!) 12s from the public taking the win from 2 12s from the juries and 18 12s from the public. ok. ok. sure

[charmac]

Mac (2009) and Dennis (2023) Break Up

[lukadarkwater]

Best Action-Adventure Game 2023: The Legend of Zelda Tears of the Kingdom

[raceweek]

alexs comedy corner: qatar press conference edition

[goodoldfashionednerd]

Elias Mannix is such a tragic character, when you think about it. He was doomed from the start. Either he accepts to go with the time loop and

a) has a shitty childhood (shitty to the point of not thinking anyone ever loved him and to the point of accepting to sacrifice hundreds of thousands of lives to feel that love he was promised)

b) has to go through with the killing of hundreds of thousands of people! And I know future!Elias doesn't really show any remorse about it, but it has to fuck up a person. Especially when his decision was made pretty spontaneously in the moment, without really thinking about the consequences (I personally think that he wouldn't have done it if he had taken the time to breath, calm down and think about it). And especially knowing most of these people didn't just die at the time of the explosion, but had to suffer a slow and painful death, that Elias probably heard about/saw pictures of on TV. We don't see him as a young adult, but those years must have been tough.

c) has to make sure his childhood is shitty so that he can keep existing, and become his own abuser!!

His only other option is to not do any of that, choose to not make the bomb explode, to do the right thing, and what does he get for that? Nothing! He stops existing!! And it's not just as if he dies, he will never have existed, no one will know he ever existed, no one will remember him! Can you imagine that??

His own life is dependant on a cycle of abuse and death he created himself and it's SO. SAD.

[chemical-processes]

I think the description of Benson and Randy's relationship as "parasocial" is quite apt. Benson says "I've been watching you, and I know for a fact..." He posits that Randy is not like anyone else in their small shitty town, that there's something uniquely 'fixable' about him. It's something that Benson stakes most of his motivation on throughout the movie 'it was the only thing I believed' and in some ways this is reflected in Randy as truth, but sometimes the character traits Benson projects onto Randy just fall short of reality. Randy says that his mom held him back a grade and Benson paints the picture of a domineering authority figure that Randy must rebel against, And clearly believes this is the case based on the tenacity with which he listens to--and disapproves of-- Randy's conversation with his mother on the phone. However listening to the conversation is just dull. His mom does come across as over bearing, pointing out the number of rings it took him to pick up, but she's otherwise normal compared to the image Benson seems to have of her. Same with Lisa. Benson strolled into the mall with Randy as though a great revelation was to be made, like Lisa was this monumental event in Randy's life, but Randy and Lisa's relationship was underwhelming. They were briefly dating in highschool and they broke it off rather amicably because Randy was not an emotionally fulfilling partner to Lisa. Randy claims not to know why Lisa broke up with him, and to Benson this is an injustice, but in reality it's just Randy being a little obtuse and naive about Lisa's emotional needs. Lisa could've been more transparent about why the relationship ended but they were kids, and she took the path of little resistance, likely in an attempt to spare Randy's feelings. There's nothing unique or life-altering about Lisa and Randy. Benson seems to project this false narrative onto Randy--and the rest of the world, tbh-- that is further highlighted by Marsha's character, who is another NPC that Benson decides to codify within his world view. Marsha once again deviates from the role Benson believes she fits in, standing up to him and rebelling against the notion that all other people in this town are aimless and complacent. Part of me wondered, after they went to Beard's house, why Randy's 'transformation' felt flat for me, and part of it is because the journey Randy takes is somewhat belied by the fact that Benson did not do any of that for Randy. Not any real version of Randy, anyway. Benson did it for a made up version of Randy in his head and he went along with it because there was a gun at his back.

[a-dumb-sarcastic-bisexual]

I'm tired so y'all get angsty Nimona headcanons

So apparently since I’m a masochist I was thinking about how Nimona would react to the boys dying 

Specifically the order cause I feel like that would contribute to how they would react 

If Bal died first he would be crushed and kind of just shut down and close himself off

After a while he would start taking longer trips and meeting new people and the hurt would lessen year after year 

After a while they kind of notice that they left Ambrosius alone

They didn’t mean to it was never their intention to recede into themself 

But that’s what happened and when they rejoined his life he didn’t miss a beat 

He just acted like they never left and that hurt ten times worse 

Especially when she realized that Ambrosius never fully dealt with his death 

At least not in a proper way

Ambrosius passing soon after they reconnected was just another gut punch 

It was like she finally started to recover just to be thrown back down

And a small part of her just a teeny tiny part of her was bitter about it 

And she fucking hated it

If Ambrosius died first I think she would still be angry 

She wouldn’t shut down like Bal she would lash out 

She would act like his passing away was just another betrayal by someone she trusted 

And again it would take a very long time for her to stop viewing it as that

They would never lash out at Bal though

They saw the effects and noticed how deep the sadness ran so they would always hold their tongue around him

One day Nimona made an offhanded joke about how Bal’s eyes should be studied cause they should be able to get even bigger with age 

And Bal just starts laughing 

And he doesn’t stop

Even as he’s bent over sobbing there are still laughs sprinkled in

He asks Bal what was wrong and he says “oh nothing starlight” he keeps pestering him until he finally says 

“You know I don’t think I ever had a chance to miss him because I see him every day when I look at you” 

And they just sit on the couch and seemingly go through every stage of grief 24-hour period 

When Bal dies a couple of years later it’s still like a gut punch

And he wants more than anything to dig himself into a hole and never come back out 

But he doesn’t 

It takes a long time for him to start letting people in again

So I don’t know if the boys were living together or if they were still living in the dorms before the knighting ceremony 

But there in either situation there is something so utterly heartbreaking about the idea of Ambrosius having to rummage through the destruction of people barely knighted  

Desperately trying to pick out the undamaged bits of Bal and clinging to them

I can also just imagine him searching through his phone frantically looking for old photos videos and voicemails 

Trying to figure out if he was genuine or if he was talking with a mask for a decade 

He goes back and forth between knowing those are his genuine smiles and laughs and that’s really love in his eyes 

But then he also has moments when he remembers that he might not know what his real smile looks like or what his real laugh sounds like 

And how can he know what love looks like when he might have been faking it this whole time 

He stops looking through his phone for a while

[royalarchivist]

Pac: I'm- I'm worried about it! Oh, I don't want to be locked up again! I don't want to be kidnapped again, you know? I don't want to be in prison! [He starts hyperventilating] I just want to do what they told me to do!

Tubbo: [Overlapping] No one will know you did that! No one will know.

Fit: Yeah, that's not gonna happen! It's not gonna happen, it's ok.

Pac: It might happen! It might happen! It happened with my friend! It happened with my son! Why wouldn't it happen with me? [Sighs]

Tubbo: There's gotta be someone left to hold down the fort!

Fit: That's right, you gotta stay strong!

Pac: I'm the weakest of all, you know? I'm the weakest of all the Favela.

Fit: You're not the weakest Pac, don't say that.

Pac: –I am! I am. I am.

[Full Transcript ↓ ]

—

Tubbo: C'mon, just point me in the general direction, and it'll be fine! And–

Pac: I'm scared, I'm scared to say! I'm scared to say–

Tubbo: No, no! Just say it, just say it! Like–

Pac: I'm- I'm worried about it! Oh, I don't want to be locked up again!

Fit: Pac– it's ok!

Pac: I don't want to be kidnapped again, you know? I don't want to be in prison! [He starts hyperventilating] I just want to do what they told me to do!

Tubbo: [Overlapping] No one will know you did that! No one will know.

Fit: Yeah, that's not gonna happen! It's not gonna happen, it's ok. Wait, Pac– when–

Pac: It might happen! It might happen! It happened with my friend! It happened with my son! Why wouldn't it happen with me? [Sighs]

Tubbo: There's gotta be someone left to hold down the fort!

Fit: That's right, you gotta stay strong!

Pac: I'm the weakest of all, you know? I'm the weakest of all the Favela.

Fit: You're not the weakest Pac, don't say that.

Tubbo: Yeah, so why would they take you?

Pac: –I am! I am. I am.

Fit: No no no no– you're strong Pac, you're strong.

Tubbo: [Overlapping] You're not the weakest Pac, you're not the weakest!

Pac: [Overlapping] I don't want to be that guy, I don't want to be the weakest and like, the saddest of all. I wanna be happy! [Sighs] That's why I took the pills also...

Tubbo: You seemed– when–

Pac: I wasn't happy.

Tubbo: I mean, you were happy when we were chatting before about about the railway? Maybe- maybe there's other- other places to find joy, other than a briefcase full of very... unlabeled pills?