#2. making me feel guilty for expressing any normal human emotion

[golemgardener]

Remembering that my dad would literally tell me he seriously believed I was "possessed" as a teenager just cuz I was idk fucking gay and suffering from mental and physical illness all the time due to being neglected lmao wtf

[stolz-und-aufrecht]

Some of my (core) beliefs about myself & the world

Some of my (core) beliefs about myself and the world caused by my upbringing in a toxic family system. I work on changing the negative ones; but it’s hard.

Raise your hand if some of these resonate with you.

Trigger warning (death, suicide)

I believe that every person, regardless of their actions, deserves love in some capacity.

I am not allowed to be angry. Anger as an emotion does not exist for me. I never get angry at anything at all. I don’t feel it. I have the patience of a saint and then some.

I feel like I don’t belong here and the privileges of humankind do not extend to me. Because I don’t belong and I’m inherently flawed, I feel like I do not have the same fundamental rights as others. I, in contrast to others, have to work for them. I am, as a person, not good enough to receive them. They have to be granted to me by someone else.

Seemingly obvious facts (for example, “I am worthy.”, “I deserve to have boundaries.”, “I am allowed to disagree with someone.”, “Anger is normal.”) do not resonate with me. They feel wrong, like they don’t apply to me. Incorporating them into my personality and daily life makes me feel guilty; like I’m doing something I’m not supposed to do. I feel like an imposter trying to take things away from people if I asserts my so-called rights. I truly feel like I have none and do not deserve them.

Expressing my anger or disagreeing with someone would reveal to them that I’m, in fact, no human being, but three racoons in a trench coat pretending to be one.

One should have empathy for every living being, even for truly horrible people. No person is completely evil. There are reasons why they act this way. Because I’m quite good at sensing where their negative traits come from, I have compassion for them. Sometimes, too much.

One should treat every person with kindness, even, if one doesn’t agree with their opinions and life choices.

I feel like I was born to serve. That’s my only purpose. I was born to serve every person I come upon, regardless of what they want from me. They have a right to it. They have a right to me.

No one else is truly evil, but I am. If people were to see this dark, deep abyss inside of me, where I have hidden all my anger and frustrations, they would come to the same conclusion.

Going to extra mile for people is the norm for me. Even if they don’t deserve my care or help. It’s an automatic feature God created me with. One time I forgot to do something at work for a colleague and although she said that it was no big deal, I could do it tomorrow, I still ran 2 miles back to work to finish it. I commute an hour by bus from and to work and hoped out as soon as I got off the phone with her. On my sprint back to work I got shit on by a bird. Talk about signs.

Others are always right. I’m always wrong.

I can’t stand someone being angry with me.

I know nothing. I know too much. I never know quite enough to even qualify to speak up during a conversation.

If I disagree with someone, state my boundaries, or express my anger in any way, shape or form, I will surely lose control of myself and either start to cry, have a full-blown panic attack or destroy the person I’m talking to by releasing all my supressed anger on them. I can never let that happen. I would embarrass myself and give away that I about three seconds from going completely mental, and not the carefully constructed personality that they know. That woman who always smiles, is super kind to everyone, easy to get along with and has definitely not a tragic past with family members that are either dead or in jail.

I am not allowed to be myself. I can’t make friends or form genuine connections. I must lie because no one really wants to know me. They say they do but will judge me a minute later.

I can’t tell them about my real hobbies because they are unconventional. I can’t tell them about my past, even if I have known these people for several years. They say they want to deepen our friendship, but I have experienced that they don’t want to hear about my true past:

I wanted to die when I was 5.

My father, an alcoholic, tried to kill my mother several times, chasing her with a knife around the apartment.

I can’t tell them that my mother was a hoarder.

I can’t tell them that I was depressed from age 12 to 23.

I have tried and failed several times. So I lie and keep things surface level.

I wish a had a best friend.

[husbandohunter]

Boys over flowers [Genshin Impact/Various x Reader] Part 2

Not everything had to be about fighting. Ahem Childe.

Genre: fluff, angst(?)

Characters: Zhongli, Childe, Albedo, Xiao

{Zhongli}

Out of all the bountiful possessions in the land he carved with his very own hands, the glaze lily had always been his favourite.

This flower was a nostalgia stained with time. As much as he loved them, the love he felt was more of a bittersweet sadness if anything. The loss of a friend, his mentor, someone he cherished so deeply, all of it was held into a single glaze lily.

Once as Morax, now as ordinary Zhongli, in those 6000 years he had seen it all. Even his grief for Guizhong faded into a memory.

Sometimes Zhongli felt like he was reading from a story book. Detatched while staring through an omniscient standpoint. It seems that his infinite years brought both experience and lonliness along the way.

"Zhongli? What are you staring at?"

But not when he was with you.

The glaze lily went on many journeys when he met you

He remembers the first encounter on a sunset night just as the petals  were about to bloom. You were there, crouched down, staring into his golden eyes.

“This is for you! Not many can be fully matured like this so make sure to take good care of it,” You held it out to him and he takes the stem out of your hold.

“A parting gift, I appreciate your thoughtfulness,” Zhongli sees it as a sign of a new contract, “It seems you possess a good eye when you were selecting them.”

He remembers the bouquet you presented during his birthday, the garland you placed on his head when he was reading, the vase by his desk always filled to the brim whenever you’d pay a visit to his parlour.

He remembers how the blue petals scattered across the floor the day you two married, everywhere he went so did this flower. Everytime he saw this flower, he thought of you.

Was it okay to feel like this? No one can ever replace Guizhong, was it okay to love again even when this being was much more perishable than she was? Zhongli was use to the experience of tragedy and loss as it was part of life.

Ah, so this must be what it feels like to live like a mortal.

To cherish every passing moment knowing that it won’t last forever. He will embrace it to the end. 

Old memories that were once dust rose from the soil, now reborn into a new beginning. Your curious gaze leans closer to his profile, sitting side-by-side under the blankets of your shared bed, the corners of his lips lift into a small smile.

“I’m only reminiscing, my dear. You don’t need to worry for me.” He kisses your forehead and tucked you to bed. The candle now blown out as his arms wrapped around your waist while spooning from behind.

Zhongli closed his eyes, knowing if he dreamt of a garden full of glaze lilies, there will be no sadness behind it.

{Childe}

Mother fucker would try to turn this into a sparring session.

This is why you NEVER invite Childe. If the valley were the air nomads, Childe was the fire nation. He’d stomp his muddy shoes in front of you just to get your attention simply because he knows it will piss you off.

An angry s/o means a potential fight. Win win situation.

Thus, no one blamed you for giving him a cold shoulder after that.

“Aha, looks like I went a little too far, didn’t I? Alright alright, I’ll stop trampling on your flowers from now on, you have my word. So talk to me, okay? Please?”

Alas you spare him a glance, “Make that a pinky promise.”

He didn’t know you were so serious about gardening. The Feiyun commerce guild took greate pride in cultivating the finest silk flowers in all of Teyvat and you being from that guild held up that legacy. Even if Childe tries to buy back the ones he stepped on, nothing could match the quality of your work.

Needless to say, your little hobby became a normal thing, Childe was very chaotic in nature so something more calm was nice to mediate that attitude. You taught him how to water plants, place the fertilizer and knowing which ones to pick.

But let’s be real, florist Childe isn’t that far-fetched because he is 10/10 waifu material.

Then Teucer comes in and tags along. He wanted to take some silk flowers back to Tonia until Childe informed him they’ll wilt on their way to Snezhnaya. 

“Aww, that’s too bad,” he would say while pouting, “Then I’ll give them to you big sister (Y/n)!”

“How sweet, you’ll be quite the charmer when you’re all grown up, Teucer. Maybe even better than your big brother.”

“Come on now, babe. You know that’s impossible.”

You twirled the silk flower right under your nose, the playful tone never leaving your voice, “Oh really? You and Teucer both share the same genes so yes, it is a possibility.”

An amusing glint dances in the ocean of his gaze as he gleefully remarks, “Well if you put it that way, I think Teucer would be at a very big disadvantage.”

“What do you-”

Before you could finish, Childe covers Teucer’s eyes and leans over to steal a sinful kiss, sliding his tongue inside. He purposely brushed his lips over yours after parting, completely satisfied by your flustered expression.

I love this bastard

{Xiao}

Hip hip hooray for having both Qiqi and Xiao in your party. Must be fun collecting their ascension materials.

“Adeptus Xiao!”

Your dumbass fell off the high cliff while obtaining the violet grass, Xiao yeets in from nowhere and caught you from death’s clutches.

Shall I mention that this had happened TWICE already?

Xiao carries you to safety and gently settles you down to your feet. He shot you the sharpest and most deadpan look he could muster because actions speak louder that words, he was trying to make a point.

You gave him a weary smile as the violetgrass batch limps in your hands along with the qingxins.

“I can hardly fathom how utterly stupid and moronic you can actually be. What did you think would happen when you tried to pull off that stunt? That you’d suddenly grow wings and be able to fly?”

His harsh words put you back into your place like a scolded child, “I’m sorry...I just wanted to help...”

Mah man does not watch what he says and always end up guilty. Your kicked puppy look is really going to be the death of him. He means well, just harsh when it comes to your well-being.

“Fine, give me those. I’ll take care of it.” He wouldn’t allow you to retort, he just took them from your hands and left without a word.

Let’s just say that Xiao isn’t the best when it comes to handling flowers as he would handle monesters, his touch isn’t the most delicate either and would prefer to get the job done fast. 

Sometimes he’d pull the roots our along with it, dirt and mud dripping from the bottom of the stem. Or the opposite. He pulls too hard and the stem just SNAPS and you’re left with just the blossom. 

“Does it matter? They’re only ingredients as you’ve said.”

That gave you a perfect excuse to teach him the ways of gardening and just be more delicate overall. 

At first he didn’t understand why humans were so meticulous about these things but when he saw a man present a bouquet to his wife, Xiao began to reconsider his methods. He doesn’t undersand mortal traditions as much and sticks to something simple and classy.

Don’t be surprised when you find a bunch on your desk for your birthday <3

{Albedo}

The sheer cold of dragon spine could naturally kill any botanical organisms aside from mints. The only flowers Albedo usually sees are the ones he artificially makes.

But being the genius he was, Albedo knew every variety of flowers to exist in the book. In this case, HE was the expert.

To him, the flower was the symbol of life. Albedo only knew the scientific facts of plant life and their natural functions, you on the otherhand were more familiar with the flower languages in a deeper meaning.

Today was a rare day where Albedo figured he’d step out of that freezing lab and conduct his research somewhere warmer, specifically Windrise where it’s quiet and away from the city.

“Dandelions may not be flowers but thei’re the main specialty of Mondstadt carrying the meaning of ‘freedom’! That’s probably how the Acting Grandmaster got her title.”

“Freedom...” He ponders, “I guess you cold say that.”

Albedo can’t understand why people would choose to associate meaning with plants. Where do their ideas come from? And why? Frankly, he can’t see the point in any of it. 

But at the same time, it made him happy to see you so enthusiastic about his research even if it wasn’t quite near the target. Albedo had always been so engrossed in his work and you’d just silently keep him company of the side, not many times where you both fot to nerd out on the same topic.

Emotions were still a mystery to him. It seems that even upon the most boring subjects, they don’t seem boring anymore when talking to his significant other. Soon enough, Albedo found himself putting his research aside and just listening to you talk. 

“And the Rose expresses romance and love. It’s common for lovers to give it to another during Valentines day.”

He hums cheekily, “Are you telling me that just to hint me to give one to you?”

“W-Well, I didn’t say that.”

He got nothing done. Perhaps his research can wait for another day, right now, he was more curious on what other meanings can a flower hold.

[mona-stay]

Secrets part 2 - Peter Hale

Pairing reader x Peter Hale

Warnings, violence, jealously, angst, slow burn, flitty Peter

You take a long breath, thinking that question yourself. After today, Theo’s attitude all you wanted to do was get your stuff and leave. But where would you go. “honestly I’m not sure. I’m gonna see coach use my hand to get out of work. While Theo still here get my stuff and go. The rest I’ll work out later” you say hopeful.

 

“you know you can always come to me if your stuck, we’re still your friends y/n just because Theo was your boyfriend didn’t mean anything changed with us. Yes Stiles was upset but he got over it” she laughed. Giving you a hug. You’d forgotten how forgiving the Mc'Call pack was.

 

Once your hand was strapped up, you both left. “If your free later where all going to Derek’s your more than welcome to come” she offers. You tell her you’ll think about it before going back to work.

 

Coach Finstock took one look at your hand rolling his eyes. “what happened?” he asked.

 

“fight with my ex”  you say watching him laugh. “look any chance I can rest if the day off, we don’t have any practices today and with this hand I won’t be as useful as normal” you ask. To your surprise he agrees and tells you to be in early tomorrow.

 

You got your bag and started walking to the home you shared with Theo. Feeling dread as you turned the key in the door, taking a deep breath you push the door open to get it over with. You try and ignore the memories you both made in this house.

 

Walking in the living room you let the tears fall looking at a photo of you both together. You flip the picture down laying face down. It was over, now you had to do what you came to do, pack up and leave.

 

You started grabbing your stuff from the room, jumping when you hear a voice behind you. “come crawling back” Tracey said with disgust.

 

“No, but after the way Theo begged me to come back today I could if I wanted to” you sass back wanting to know what she was doing here. You had told in a laugh at the look of hate on her face and the stutter nothing.

 

You walk past her to get some of your other things. She turns watching you, you can tell she’s trying to think of a way to get to you. “If he’s so into you, why was he with ME , chose to come to ME have ME bouncing on his cock and not you!” she said smug, each time she said the word me she took a step closer, trying to look intimating.

 

This time you let your held laugh. “oh really, I saw the way he throw you off him. Let me guess the second he walked back after chasing me, he told you to get dressed and get out. Your here now because he’s avoided you and hoping to try and worm your way back in” you tell her.

 

She looks at you with a blank open mouth expression. The realisation hit you “oh my god I’m right, aren’t I.” You laugh.

 

“no” she tries to lie but it’s too late you both know Theo dropped her like she meant nothing.

 

You don’t what came over you, maybe months of feeling the chimera trying to be better than you, pushing you. “what do you think would happen if Theo came home now I told him I was willing to forgive him if he kicks you out if his pack, who do you think he’ll chose, the quick shag he pushed away, or the girlfriend he ran after, cried and begged to take him back?” you couldn’t hide the joy in your face “I think we both know who he would pick”

 

Tracy looked at you for a second, you tried to read the look in her eyes but they were blank. That was until she launched at you. Groaning in pain as the both of you crashed though the coffee table. She held you pinned under her body, and punches you in the face. Dazed and sore everything was a fast blur, you grab the nearest thing a fallen lamp hitting her in the head with it. The rest of the fight was a mix of you both kicking and hitting each other.

 

It was Theo and Cory running through the door that stopped you both. They drag you apart Theo’s voice streaming stop and what’s going on. “ask your little slut, she attacked me”  you yell, holding your face where it hurt.

 

“y/n please, she meant nothing to me” he says moving closer to you. Tracey growling from the corner Cory had her pinned in.

 

You looked at Theo ready to test his loyalty, “really if she means nothing, get rid of her!” you say. A small pause made you fold your arms waiting for his answer.

 

“baby please, she’s nothing just a pack member, I need all the numbers I can get” he tired to plead with you.

 

“I can’t look at you both together without seeing you together so make a choice Theo or I’ll make it for you!” you demand. When he didn’t answer, just mumbles a baby please don’t, you look at him heartbroken “fine!” you say walking upstairs to pack your bag.

 

When you come down Tracy and Cory had gone but you could still see them outside. “y/n don’t go, please you can’t ask me to choose between my pack and you” he pleads. You look trying to find any real emotion in his eyes.

 

“I loved you Theo, I gave up moving abroad with my sister, my friends here. All for you and you can’t give up one pack member for me, you’d never give up your power for me. I know that now, you say you love me but you’ll always love power more. Goodbye Theo, I hope you find what your looking for” you say holding in your tears as you place a final goodbye kiss on his check, walking out with your suitcase before he can stop you.

You drove to the edge of beacon hills preserve, parking the car sitting on the bonnet, finally letting all the held in emotions out. Lost in your own thoughts, was leaving a good idea, should you have given him a second chance or where do you go next. You wasn’t sure how long you’d sat there for, it wasn’t until you notice it was starting to go dark and cold you moved.

 

You thought about Lydia knowing Derek’s wasn’t far away, turning on your engine you decide to go. Outside you looked up at the windows debating whether to go in or call first. Lydia my have invited you but what about the others. Before you had a chance to call, a know on the window spooked you.

 

Peter stood there smiling at you, motioning for you to unlock the door. “well isn’t this a nice surprise seeing you here, I heard you may show up if you left Theo for good”  he says happily getting in the car. You didn’t say anything, when he looks at you his eyes scans your face. “he didn’t that to you did he?” he asks.

 

You shake your head no, “Tracy is responsible for the face n ribs, Theo is only guilty of having a hard head” you say holding up your strapped up wrist.

 

Peter laughed “I heard you gave him one hell of a punch, stiles seems to think if Theo were human you’d of knocked him out” he says with a tone of awe.

 

“thanks I think” you laugh “it felt great at the time, if I’m gonna be honest. Now though part of me regrets it, my hand is killing” you joke.

 

“so you coming up?” he asks about to get out. Your hesitant not sure if your willing to go or not.

 

“I’m not sure, I don’t know if anyone really wants me there, I was really hoping to catch Lydia, she offered me a place to stay, maybe I can till I sort out where I’m gonna go” you say low

 

“I’m hurt sweetheart” he says, placing his hands on his chest “you already have my guest room, I guess you really don’t wanna stay with me” he adds with a fake pout. “just joking but my offer is always there, now come on up, I want you there too maybe you can what ever Si-Fi movie Stiles chooses more bearable” you can’t tell if he’s joking or not at the last part.

 

“okay” you agree, taking one last look in the mirror wiping any make up lines from crying. Peter opened your door, holding out his hand for you. Taking it you step out the car locking it and head to the loft.

 

Inside everyone seemed happy to see you, even Derek gave you a hug saying he’d missed you. You smile catching the small snarl from Peter. Even Stiles wasn’t harsh with you the most sarcastic thing he said was “glad to see you’ve now seen him for what he is”

 

You spent the next hour chilling with the group, stiles put star wars on party annoyed when someone would start talking. Your eyes often drifting to Peter, each time you did his would already be on you. He would pull a face or roll his eyes in a way for just you to see.

 

“y/n, I probably shouldn’t bring this up like this but, have you got somewhere to go tonight or do you wanna stay with me” Lydia asked.

 

You flash a quick look to Peter who’s now paying attention waiting to hear your answer. Wishing your would go home with him.  You smile at Lydia “thanks your too kind but a friend has offered me their guest room for a bit” you say. Not missing the dark and sexy smile Peter gives.

 

After another hour, the movie ended. Scott and Derek were talking about training both not paying attention it had finished. Stiles asks Malia on her opinion of the film, Lydia and Peter both laughing when she asks what it was about still not understanding why he likes it. You noticed Mason and Liam had switched off, trying to talk quite but every now and then you hear Cory and Theo’s names mentioned. Peter comes and stands behind you whispering into your ear “I’m ready to go, you can stay longer if you want”

 

You smile up at him saying to give you a few minutes you’d be ready, you had one thing you needed to do first. Peter nods and heads out the flat. While you walk over to Mason and Liam.

 

“look I know this isn’t my place and I couldn’t help overhearing you before about Cory” you start. Masons shoulders sink as Liam looks defensive by the name. “yes Cory is in Theo’s pack but anything he feels for you is real. And you can trust anything you do or say around him won’t be told.”

 

Liam doesn’t agree “we caught him sneaking around, working for Theo” his smirk begging you for an excuse.

 

You shake your head, “no actually, Theo threatened Cory into spying but when Cory refused to say anything useful he was ordered to do it again but by this point I think Cory had feeling for Mason and told Theo he wouldn’t use Mason for information. It was the first and only time that boy stood up to Theo and that was for him.” You tell Liam.

 

Looking at Mason “it’s up to you but if you like him, go for it. It’s only fear keeping Cory with Theo, remember that” you tell him. Saying bye to the rest of the group you walk out the door catching up with Peter.

 

You follow Peter the short drive to his penthouse, parking next to his Shelby. Peter took your bag carrying it for you. Once inside he let you get settled as he started to cook. Maybe staying here wouldn’t be so bad you thought.

 

It had been two weeks since you moved in and Peter was struggling getting to the stage he couldn’t cope any more. It wasn’t that you were a bat house guest, in fact you were the opposite, you helped cook clean and even picked up shopping. His problem was his own feelings.

 

He couldn’t deal with the way you would walk around in shorts and a vest tops, showing off your legs and cleavage. The easy flirting you both shared, looks smiles winks. The way you would say something suggestive making him ask if you meant it or not. The late night drinks where your fall asleep on his lap and he’d carry you to bed. Most of all he hated putting you in a different bed from his. It wouldn’t have been so bad to just watch you keep telling himself it would never happen but after that kiss last week it’s all he wanted now and had it in his grasp. He hated being a good guy.

 

This morning was no different, Peter walked out of the bathroom wearing just his sweatpants towel drying his damp hair. Something that started driving you crazy, it was hard to tare your eyes from his toned abs.

 

Peter watches as you dance around the kitchen making breakfast. His eyes trail your body loving and hating the coaches outfit you wore. Something about your knee high socks and shorts set his imagination wild. “morning” he says making you turn to look at him. He could help but smirk when he see you eye him up biting your lips as your eyes trail down his chest.

 

“hey” you say “Pancakes?” you offer as you sliding the one you just cooked onto a pile of others. Peter nods coming over to sit by you.  “Are you coming to the game today?” you ask him. It was the first game of the lacrosse session and your first as assistant coach.

 

Peter looked amused “really you think I’d go to a high school sports game, it’s not even basketball. Its much better” he jokes. You knew it was a long shot but maybe with it being a big game for you he might of came. “however maybe I could be persuaded” he adds, with that smirk that makes you weak.

 

Smiling you slide off your stool, coming behind him wrapping your arms around his neck. Letting your fingers brush his chest hair. Moving closer your lips almost touching his ear “well if you do come, maybe I can find a way to show my thanks later” you try to sound seductive.

 

The small growl from Peters chest makes you laugh, you wanted to tease him as much as he did to you. Moving back you let your nose lightly brush against his ear. Once back in your seat “maybe you can tell me your favourite meal ill make it for you” you laughed.

 

Peter was going insane, was she doing this on purpose or if she even knew what she was doing. He shook his head, “such a tease, y/n, I should punish you” he said. Unlike y/n Peter knew what his words did to her and if you want to play games he could too. “do you need to be punished sweetheart”  he asked.

 

You bit your lip hoping he was going to come over and spank your ass, do something to end this unspoken game you both played. You keep eye contact with him as he comes closer, arching an eyebrow waiting for an answer. “you wouldn’t punish me Peter, no matter how naughty I am” you say dragging out punish and naughty.

 

Peter leaned down hovering his lips over yours, his eyes flicked from your eyes to lips and back again. You felt yourself shift in your seat about to move forward to kiss him. Peters smirk changed, his arm reaches around you stealing the last piece of bacon from your plate, putting in his mouth. Giving a laugh as he eat it. Just like Peter you hated the game but wouldn’t play it any other way.

 Seeing as Peter finished your breakfast you get ready for work, saying bye to Peter hoping to him at the game.

You were the first one at the school unlocking the doors hoping the team had improved enough to win. Once coach turned up your day was nonstop, he’d made you pull out the bleachers, check equipment,, direct the away team to their dressing room and now had you listening to one of his locker room speeches.

 

You couldn’t take anymore of his independence day nonsense, leaving the room you headed out to the field. You seen Mason and Cory both making their way out to watch. You smiled seeing them holding hands “hi” you shout jogging to catch up with them.

 

“well you two look happy”  you say. They both give each other shy glances but both beamed a smile at you.

 

“I guess we should thank you” Mason said, Cory looked confused. “y/n told me how you stood up to Theo for me. She said I should give you a chance” Mason filled Cory in.

 

You were about to say your welcome until a dreaded voice filled your ears. Tracy came around the corner making you groan. Since living with Peter you’d put Theo out of your head and being busy with the game you didn’t think about them turning up today.

 

“so you leave and still meddle with our pack, Cory how will Theo feel when he finds out your a turncoat” She said as she stalks towards you. Cory pushes Mason away, warning him with his eyes to find help, not sure what was going to happen.

 

You looked at her wanting to scream and shout but you couldn’t. “Tracy if your here for the game then go find a seat, if not then leave students can’t be wandering the halls” you say as professional as possible. Cory smiles a thanks walking off your follow him hoping your teacher like warning was enough. It wasn’t, Tracy steps in front of you her claws out ready to attack.

 

Mason finds Scott and the others panicking telling him to come quick. Theo watches hearing your name he follows. When Cory runs to them and they all run off, Theo brakes into a run too. When he catches up he sees y/n on the floor, Tracy over her with a bloody nose about to claw at her with Kanima venom. “Tracey! Stop!”  Theo roars making his beta jump of his ex girlfriend.

 

Theo grabs her by the throat holding her against the wall as Scott and Cory help you up off the ground. You wasn’t hurt, well not bad maybe some brushing not that was all. You wanted to go and run at Tracy and Theo not sure who you wanted to hit first.

 

Lucky for you Coach Finstock was in the hall too “what the hell is going on?” he demanded looking at you all. Scott looked at you and everyone else looked at him. You say his name but he stops you “actually don’t want to know, now everyone asses on the field.”

 

Theo pushed Tracey away ordering her to move, Scott ran to the field as the others headed to their seats. You looked at coach about to explain but all he did was tell you to get back to work.

 

The first half of the game went smoothly, BHH were leading but not by much, or at least not enough for coach to be happy. You felt annoyed too, after what happened with Tracy you worried about your job and Peter still hadn’t turned up from what you’d seen, the empty chair next to Malia never filled.

 

To make matters worse, Theo was walking towards you. You turn away hoping he’d just go away, walk past you and not look your way. Luck really wasn’t on your side today, “y/n can we talk I wanna say sorry about Tracy” he says.

 

You sigh “you didn’t tell her to attack me, but you can keep her on a leash and away from me” you say about to walk away, find some excuse to look busy.

 

Theo’s body language changes as you feel an arm come around your shoulder. “hello sweetheart, sorry I’m late” Peter say, not taking his eyes from Theo. You smile, nervous at what he’s doing. “is he bothering you, y/n” Peter asks, pulling you in closer to him.

 

Theo takes a step forward, huffing out his chest trying to look harder. “were working a few things out, can you leave and get your filthy hand off my girl” Theo says.

 

Peter couldn’t help himself. He wasn’t about to let Theo worm his way back in and he couldn’t resist a bit of fun. “What is it with you teenagers? You think that you’re so special? You think you can tell me what to do?” Peter said, leaning in to place a small kiss on your cheek. Really getting under Theo’s skin and yours. You feel the heat rise in your cheeks confused by the whole situation. Peters casual flirting, Theo looking like he’s about to blow.

 

Theo grabbed your wrist dragging you out of Peters gentle hold. “she’s mine” he yelled trying to drag behind him as he squared up to Peter. “go near her and watch” he started to threaten.

 

 “get off me Theo! What the hell are you doing” you scream trying to free yourself. You look at Peter his amused smirk waiting to see what Theo would do next, more importantly what you would do. Once free from his hold “Theo this has to stop, we’re not working anything out we’re over and for good. So just leave me alone”

 

Theo didn’t move at first. His eyes flicking from you to Peter trying to work out what was going on. “so you and him” Theo says in disgust. “this who you’ve been with!”

 

“it’s not like that” you say low. You wasn’t lying but you wish he was right, you wanted a you and Peter. You look at Peter unable to read his poker face. “but even if there was it’s none of your business anymore”

 

Peter played fake hurt “sweetheart you wound me, I thought we had something special” he jokes, making Theo growl his eyes flashing gold.

 

“Peter shut up your not helping” you say seeing Theo’s anger building.

 

“now, now y/n, that’s no way to speak to your alpha now is it” Peter practically purrs.

 

This set Theo off. You imagine it was the word alpha that pushed Theo over the edge. He’d always had a hidden alpha kink the one title he craved. Without warning Theo charged at Peter claws out ripping his V-neck. “your no alpha” and “she’ll never be yours” he shouted.

 

Peter let the young, stupid chimera land his first two or three hits before flashing his own eyes red. Theo looked stunned for a minute letting Peter swipe his claws at the teen. Both of them now had blood on them and if you did do someone one of them most likely Theo would die.

 

You scream for them to stop about 5 times but each one fallen on deaf ears. Your only option was to try and stop them yourself. You wasn’t sure which one of them clawed you, but your cry of pain made them both stop.

 

Theo ran to you asking if you were okay and said sorry over an over. Peter looked down is eyes scanning your injuries, feeling easier when he saw they wasn’t deep. Standing up you look at Theo “No, now just go” was call you could say. Not wanting to argue he did, walking of towards the main gate leaving the school. Vowing to Peter it wasn’t over

 

You look at Peter who’s eyes were back blue. Part of you wanted to ask him what that was all about, why goat Theo into a fight. What was he trying to prove but didn’t have the energy to. You never got a chance the buzzer sounded letting you know the game had restarted. “shit, I gotta go” you tell him running back to work. You would be surprised if you still had a job come Monday.

 

The rest of the game had been trying, both team scoring making the leader bored jumping  back and forth. One of your players taking an injury masking Stiles come on instead. You hated this, five minutes left and both teams drawing. Biting your nail you watch the tean make their play.

 

You jump when you feel a hand come around the back of your waist. He rests his chin on your shoulder his other hand finds your hip. “so do you think the wolfs can pull this off” he said not taking his eyes if the game.

 

You laughed “since when did you care how they play, wasn’t sure you were even gonna come” you say leaning back into his chest.

 

“since you asked me, if I’m going do something I give it my full my attention” he answers in his flirty tone.

 

“you know people will start talking, think somethings going on, if you keep holding me like this”  you say but not wanting him to move. You look around to see if anyone was watching, Hayden was, in fact she was stirring and talking on her phone, no doubt filling Theo in.  “or are you doing this to piss Theo off more”  you laugh.

 

“I couldn’t care less about Theo he’s not worth any more of our time, now he knows ‘who’ I am I doubt he’ll be showing his face again. Also would it be so bad if there was something going on between us?” he asked.

 

You bit your lip, feeling your heart race. Your about to tell him no until the winning goal was scored seconds before the final buzzer sounds. For once your team won, Bobby was shouting you over making you jump out of Peters arms, “hold that thought” you say running off to your boss. Peter watches you frustrated wishing you’d look at him how you had in his living the night he took you home.

 

The stands started to empty, everyone happy with the result. Some of the dumping their sticks to run off and celebrate. Coach ordering you to pack up. “okay” you call back start gathering up equipment to put away.  Peter walks over picking up the lacrosse stick, handing it to you. “guess you still have work to do, I’ll see you later” he says but this he seems off. You couldn’t help but smile he’d actually came to say bye.

 

“your going? I’ll see you at Derek’s right?” you question.

 

Peter nodded, “you seem busy so I’ll leave you too it, I’ll see you after” he says

 

“how about you leave your car at yours we can take mine home. No point both of us driving” you say.

 

Peter smirks “wouldn’t people think something going on of we did” he mocked your words from earlier.

 

You look up “would it be so bad if they did” you say back seeing Peters smile change to a more happier one as he goes to turn. “see you later” you say running the sticks into the locker room telling the team to hurry up and get changed. It took you and Bobby Finstock around two hours to fully kick everyone out and lock up the school.

Theo stood in the car park, leaning against your car. You roll your eyes, after today you couldn’t take anymore of his shit. “so your really choosing him over me” he asked, his arms folded.

 

“I’m not choosing him over you, Theo. I’m choosing not to be with you.” You say honestly.

 

“but he doesn’t love you, I do” he said back hoping you would belive him. “he’s going to use you, hurt you it’s who he is” stepping closer, now starting to scare you a little, you take a breath trying not to let him intimidate you

 

“you don’t know what love is Theo. You might be right, Peter might hurt me, he might not but at the end of the day Theo you already HAVE hurt me. Not just by cheating on me but letting power and your pack be more important than me.” You say trying to open your car door.

 

Theo grabs your throat, pinning you to the car “so you really think I’d just let you leave like that” he roars. You start to panic seeing the crazed look in his eye. “your not gonna walk away and betray me, I’d rather kill you first”. He was now squeezing so hard you couldn’t breath, you vision going burly. “If that doesn’t show love, I don’t know what will” he said. You grabbed his wrists, struggling against his power, kicking your your feet at his shins. The panic was real, you thought you were going to die by Theo's hands. His words drowned out by the ringing of your car alarm. Your vision now completely black, lungs stinging for air, all you wished for was Peter.

 

It was the voice of coach, that made Theo get go. You fell to the floor, gasping for breath. When your vision came back into focus, you saw Bobby pinning Theo against your car.  He asked if you were okay and that Stilinski was on his way, you must have blacked out, not hearing him call for anyone. You nod your okay after getting your breath back and calming down, still refusing to go to the hospital even though Bobby insisted you do. Once the sheriff took Theo away, Bobby asked if you wanted driving home, you kindly refuse getting in your car. Looking at the marks Theo left wondering what your gonna say to the others and how Peter will react.

Read part 1 here

Read part 3 here

[the-bjd-community-confess]

Many Divaz/Z3st confos

Mod: Not all the ones in the inbox, but a batch of them to peruse at your leisure.

1. Z3st got told by a mod on the BJD Discord to stop with his drama-mongering. He argued with the mod. In b4 he whines here about the BJD Discord.

~Anonymous

2. @A certain someone: DOA mods warning you to stop making drama or else ban is not an attack on you. BJD Discord mod warning you to stop making drama or ban is not an attack on you. They're just doing their jobs. To stop finding yourself in situations where you feel attacked, don't make drama. Seriously it's getting super tiresome seeing your crap all over the place esp since you're acting like someone shot your dog or smth. You're doing this to yourself and blaming others for your own actions.

~Anonymous

3. My friend got messaged on FB by Z3st because they posted in support of Divaz. Z3st called them names and tried to prove his "innocence". Apparently my friend wasn't the only person Z3st did this to, I wouldn't be surprised if he did it to everyone who commented in support of Divaz. Z3st is crying about being the victim but all I see is him being the aggressor. Who the fuck messages people they don't know to harass them like that?

~Anonymous 

4.@al3xcessive... you can't blame someone for "doxxing" you when you put your information out there first. Also, that's not what "doxxing" is, they've literally only showed your name AFTER YOU SHOWED IT YOURSELF PUBLICLY. All of your other information was hidden. I searched for your name on FB and wouldn't have ever found you if you hadn't gone and shown yourself by spamming comments on the post.

~Anonymous

5.lol al3xcess claiming he'd been "harassed" when he DMs random people to call them bootlickers and they tell him to fuck off xD

~Anonymous

6.If the customer is batshit terrible to work with, you refund them and ban them. Don’t feed trolls and all. Seems simple? But Div4s just gonna dox somebody like that?  Even their most hardcore fans ought to be sayin “hol up” instead of cheering.

~Anonymous

7.Lol @ Z3st calling Divaz "insidiously hostile" when he himself is this way and he even admitted it: "i had been nothing but nice, and ABSURDLY patient, and understanding and looking back now the gushing tone in which i took makes me sick" - Looking at HIS OWN receipts, his "absurdly nice" is just normal decency. It really says a lot about him that he considers it absurd and that it makes him sick. Divas aren't the ones being insidious, Z3st, you admitted you were deceptive from the getgo.

~Anonymous

8.I'm done with r_s who defend BJDivaz on DoA. I had to wait MONTHS for any sign of life from them, they NEVER answer their emails, and they've mishandled ALL of my orders. They won't be an adult about this! If you're ordering from them, you're pretty much supporting them. Stop.

~Anonymous

9.Neutral to Divaz but seeing them did a call out to a troublesome customer is a bit uncomfortable. I believe they should have kept the person's name as anon, never mention their irl or username. I understand that they are upset that their business reputation is damaged by the customer's words but still a business shouldn't blast their customer's personal info on public platform. A business should be a business. Personal feelings should be handled off the business page.

Again I fully understand Divaz is human too and they can feel upset by exaggerated rumours but a business shouldn't be so sensitive to any provocation. I'm sure other dealers also get a lot of negative comments but we seldom hear them talk about it publicly. Really not my place to say, I think Divaz should try to keep personal emotions off their business page. Occasional bad press will naturally go away on its own if they can maintain good and satisfied customers on a long run. I feel like them fighting back against angry (ex) customers and seeking comfort from others is not the best move as a business. It is fine that they express their frustration to their family and friends but definitely not on a public business page. It just feels unprofessional. It's my 2 cents.

Sorry Divaz, I know you don't want to hear this but please do try to keep personal feelings aside when running a business. It will really help you on a long run. Haters will only use this against you because they know you will react to their provocation. This will never end and only damge your reputation further. Hope for the best.

~Anonymous

10. Cheeesus, that long Divaz post on that DoA user is too much. With all the precise time-stamps details and quotations, it's like a lawyer presenting a courtcase like "the evidence here shows that at 'hour;minute' you said this XXX. Is it true?" And we, the witnesses/audience, are all called to participate in the judgment. lol

~Anonymous 

11. ne1 else get msged by Z3st on fb cuz he wants to bitch u out for posting on divaz? 

~Anonymous

12. Divaz doxxes and stalks people, talks shit about customers on their FB, forgets to place orders, hands out tons of excuses for why they can't reply... among other things. Why the fuck are you all still dealing with them? Cl0ver singing, Alice's and a bunch of other companies are ten times better. Stop👏 validating👏 shitty 👏companies 👏

~Anonymous

13.There are certain people who always jump to the defense of BjDivaz and get mad when other people have legitimate issues with them. Get a life. Some of us have real problems and bad experiences ordering from them.

~Anonymous

14. I know everyone has a different situation and state their opinion with what they have already experienced, but I'm not gonna lie that I felt bad when I read someone saying that bjdivaz long layaways aren't even neccesary and they should just remove it. While I do agree bjdivaz could improve in how they manage some stuff, at the same time they are the only ones that let me "join" the hobby and don't feel bad because I can't pay in full or put down big payments as other hobbyists. I know it's not neccesary and I can save, but from someone who comes from a place of poverty I already feel guilty enough spending in a hobby and having big amounts of money always end up in paying emergencies and starting from 0 again. So these "really long and unnecessary layaways" give me the opportunity to not feel as guilty and enjoy something like the rest without spending too much every month to the point that it could affect my daily life.

~Anonymous

15. Z3st/Alex is legitimately evil for what he's doing, trying to put a company out of business that, per the emails that he himself posted, has never been anything but helpful to him (and many others). I'd bet he's the main source of all the BJDivaz hate going on here, and the miserable people around here were more than happy to grab their pitchforks and join his mob. Stop it.

~Anonymous

[ga-yuu]

~Kurama~Main Story Chapter 23~

Chapter 22

*

*

*

-------Part 1-------

Akihito: “I want to apologize to you. You can hate me all you want. One more curse on me now won’t make much difference.”

(What are you going to me....?)

A gently outstretched hand touches my hair as gently as if he was guilty....and then quickly moves away.

Akihito-sama stood up and his smile was already gone.

Akihito: "-----Yasuchika. Give her the treatment as planned."

Yasuchika: "....As you wish."

.....................

Yoritomo: "Kagetoki, have you received any new information?"

Kagetoki: "Just now."

During the march of the main body of the Shogunate, Kagetoki, who was talking to a messenger soldier, lined up next to Yoritomo's horse.

Kagetoki: "It is not good news. The advance party, which has reached its destination, has begun to fight the Rebels ahead of us."

After a moment's silence, Yoritomo processes the information without expressing any emotion.

Yoritomo: "Is Yoshino safe?"

Kagetoki: "Tamamo intervened, but she was taken away by the enemy demon and Yasuchika-dono. He and Kurama, who was also at the scene of the battle, will join us."

Yoritomo: "-----Kurama. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing."

Kagetoki: "At least, the Imperial Court seems to have planned to kill Kurama on the spot. By making Tamamo the forerunner, we were able to throw a wrench in their calculations. Let us widen the gap little by little, and completely destroy the intentions of the Court."

Yoritomo: "I get it. Kagetoki, you're in your element. When we get to the battlefield, you'll be in charge of finding out what's going on and controlling the troops."

Kagetoki: "Understood. What about Yoritomo-sama?"

Yoritomo: "It's obvious. I take every trick."

..............

At the same time----The Rebels were also hurrying their horses towards the battlefield.

Benkei: "You don't look good, Yoshitsune-sama."

Yoshitsune: "....Benkei."

Benkei, who had come running up, was the first to sense that something was wrong with Yoshitsune.

Benkei: "Are you worried about Kurama?"

Yoshitsune: "I can't hide anything from you."

Giving up on hiding, Yoshitsune shrugs his shoulder.

Yoshitsune: "The one incident in which the envoy with Yoshino and the advance party was attacked by the Shogunate was a trap set by the Imperial Court. I know Kurama's life is safe because our deal is not broken....I can't help but have a bad feeling about all of this."

Benkei cajoles, at Yoshitsune's muttering.

Benkei: "We will always help Kurama no matter what. He's one of us."

Yoshitsune: ".....Yeah, thank you Benkei."

Benkei: "Kurama is lucky to be thought of so highly by Yoshitsune-sama."

Yoshitsune smiles faintly at Benkei's sorrowful words.

Yoshitsune: "I'm sure I'm the one who's getting lucky. Kurama taught me how to fight when I was just a child. He gave me strength. That also led me to a path where I met you guys."

Benkei: "....Yoshitsune-sama."

On the back of his horse, Yoshitsune looked quietly into the distance.

Yoshitsune: "I owe Kurama too much. I'm always trying to figure out how to pay it back."

....................

(...Nnn....it hurts...what..is happening to me now?)

I struggled to keep my head above water.

(Yasuchika-san...did some kind of....magic spell...on me after that....)

Ibuki: "You'd better take it easy, Yoshino."

--------Part 2-------

Ibuki: "You'd better take it easy, Yoshino. Your body is not normal right now.”

Ibuki was looking down at me as I lay in the tent.

Yoshino: “Yasuchika..san..and  Akihito..san...”

Ibuki: “Yasuchika is no longer useful for the time being because of the large amount of spell applied on you and Akihito is busy planning and preparing his own traps. If you need someone to talk to, you’ll be glad to know that I’m available.”

When I looked down at the body, I saw a mysterious purple thread of light wrapped around it.

It bites and creaks when I move.

Yoshino: “What did they do to me?”

Ibuki: “Curious? You’re going to be our puppet?”

Ibuki wipes the sweat from my forehead with a hand towel.

Ibuki: “Yasuchika’s spells seem to be slowly getting used to your body, I think. Soon your powers will be out of control.”

(Out of control!?)

Ibuki: “You can’t normally handle a demonic power past human capacity. Do you know about that?”

Wanting a bit of information, I answered his question.

Yoshino: “....If I draw out too much magic power, my own body will be destroyed.”

(That’s why I can’t use foxfire or Kotodama. All I can do is ‘take away another demon’s powers.’)

I repeated the same words Tamamo taught me, in my head.

Then, an unpleasant premonition ran cold on my spine.

Ibuki: “Yasuchika’s power breaks the circuits of your power and at the same time stops your body from disintegrating. In return, you’ll surrender control of your body to us.”

Yoshino: “So that’s your puppet....?”

Ibuki: “Doesn’t that sound fun...? You’ll also be able to try out different fox powers lavishly.”

(....No, it isn’t.)

Yoshino: “You’ll also make me attack my allies, won’t you?”

Ibuki: “Not just your allies, but the Rebels too. The Imperial Court wants the Shogunate and the Rebels to fall together. You are a pawn in the process.”

(...... I can’t allow that to happen.)

But the fact is that all I can do is lay here and I can’t even lift a finger.

I could feel the purple light slowly seeping into my body, like despair.

(I know intuitively. When this light is extinguished, the process is complete and my demonic powers will be out of control.)

(Is there any way to escape?)

Ibuki: “Want some help?”

Yoshino: “Eh?”

Ibuki: “If you make a deal with me, I’ll release you from this pain.”

A sweet whisper strikes my ear as if my thoughts were read.

Yoshino: “What’s its......the deal?”

Ibuki: “We’ll lure Yoritomo and Yoshitsune out first and kill them. Even though you’re yet to be our puppet, your abilities are more accurate and powerful when they are in your agreement. If you crush the heads of both armies, the limbs will stop. The rest of the army will be spared.”

(Kill Yoritomo and Yoshitsune to save many others....?)

Ibuki: “What do you say? It’s easy to kill two people than to kill two whole armies, right? The others will surely understand. You will be the hero who saves the worst.”

I purse my lips and think of all the possibilities.

And----

Yoshino: “I’m not in the deal.”

Ibuki: “......Ohh. Can I ask why?”

--------Part 3--------

Yoshino: “I’m not in the deal.”

Ibuki: “......Ohh. Can I ask why?”

Yoshino: “Kurama told me once that you have a habit of taking pleasure in corrupting people.”

(From what I could see,...Ibuki took pleasure in hurting Kurama.)

Yoshino: “You Ibuki...you can’t be trusted.”

Ibuki’s eyes narrowed bewitchingly as he tests me.

Ibuki: “Are you really going to believe the Rebels and Kurama? Who is a demon like me? I suppose he’s a bit like me when it comes to natural inclinations. He has also been toying with you.”

(I can’t deny that. But still.)

Yoshino: “....Kurama never lies. Not to others and not to himself. Kurama, who was eager to challenge Tamamo, left you. I think it proves that Ibuki has done something very wrong to Kurama.”

When I have finally finished, I exhaled long enough to relieve the physical pain.

Yoshino: “Even if Yoritomo and Yoshitsune die, this war will not stop. Ibuki knew that and tried to deceive me, right?”

Ibuki: “-----I’m listening. Go on.”

Ibuki’s eyes turned to me for the first time, as if he was seriously intrigued.

Yoshino: “Because the two of them have such a great influence....If they die, the army will run wild with sorrow and anger, and this war will burn until everyone is ashes.”

(In the Shogunate and even in the Rebels....I’ve seen with my own eyes how many people adore the two of them.)

Ibuki: “So that’s it. Apparently, you’re not as ordinary as you look. Ordinary people lose their cool in the face of confusion and despair if they are induced by sweet talk.”

Yoshino: “What...are you up to...now?”

I glared at Ibuki.

Ibuki: “You must be in a lot of pain, but you’re strong. I like you. I can’t wait to see your face when you cry.”

(....He looks so serious.)

His eyes remind me of Kurama, though they don’t look much alike.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. Remember Kurama’s face.

2. Remember Kurama’s voice.

3. Remember Kurama’s strength.(+4/+4)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(------Kurama.)

When I call your name in my heart, I feel strangely courageous.

(-----Kurama does not give in to anyone.)

(As long as the longing I had that day lives on in my heart, my heart will not die either.)

Ibuki: “What happened? Why are you suddenly so quiet?”

Yoshino: “I....will never despair in your presence.”

Ibuki: “What?”

(I’m really trying hard to hold on to my frustration.)

I feel like I’m going crazy like my body is being transformed even as I’m doing this.

(At least I want to have my heart as my own.)

Yoshino: “I will prove to you the strength of humans that I believe in.”

(The man I love, my enemy-----to live a life without shame for Kurama.)

I looked at Ibuki as if to challenge him while feeling the pain running through my body.

Ibuki: “.................. Interesting. Then let’s play that game.”

A mysterious heat lights up behind Ibuki’s eyes.

The usual sarcastic smile had disappeared.

Ibuki: “Show me what you’re really made of.”

--------Part 4-------

Ibuki: “Show me what you’re really made of.”

(Is this your true face...Ibuki?)

I couldn’t help but notice the serious expression on the demon’s face who loves to play with humans.

......................................

Ibuki: “Do you know what you’re gonna do here?”

Sometime later I was carried out of the tent and onto the battlefield.

Yoshino: “Let...go...”

Ibuki: “You should enjoy your limited freedom while you can. Be grateful that I’m helping you.”

It’s frustrating, but my body can’t stand up on its own anymore.

(....If I had been on the battlefield, I would have been irretrievably injured....)

Ibuki: “Oh look, aren’t they Shogunate soldiers. Let’s kill them first.”

Yoshino: “.....!”

Shogunate soldier 1: “Yoshino-san!?”

The other side recognized me and rushes towards me.

Yoshino: “No! DON’T COME CLOSER!!

Ibuki puts his palm on my back as I scream.

(I feel...hot....)

I could see an intricate pattern glowing on my chest.

Ibuki: “Attack!”

(I won’t....)

Shogunate soldier 1: “Yoshino-san, what are you...?”

Yoshino: “RUN AWAY! NOW!!”

With a sensation of weakness in the whole body, a blue flame appeared in the air.

It lights up everyone’s face with spitefulness.

(Foxfire-----)

Shogunate soldier: “What the hell!?”

Yoshino: “DON’T COME...CLOSER...”

Shaking my head, I could see the silvery hair swaying from the corner of my eye.

(I hate this. I hate this. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I hate this!)

The bones scream when I remind myself to dam up the overflowing spell.

The trajectory of the exploding foxfire just barely deflected and gouged the ground beneath the soldiers’ feet.

Ibuki: “....Did you deflect it on your own?”

(It worked this time...)

(But even I can make foxfire. That’s crazy----)

(If I hit any one of them, they’ll die.)

I realized the horrors of Yasuchika-san’s spell.

Through the still rising cloud of dust, we could see the soldiers running away.

(....! Some are limping. Even though they escaped a direct hit.)

When I got that far into the situation, I reached the limit of being uptight and fell to my knees.

Ibuki pulled me up and holds my body.

Ibuki: “Are you using your willpower to overthrow the spell?”

Yoshino: “Ibuki said...the accuracy and power of the spell...will be greater if the intentions are the same. So...I’ll keep resisting...”

Ibuki: “Yasuchika’s spell is solid. No matter how hard you fight, one day you will be defeated. If you resist, the spell will put you in place and your body will collapse.”

(I’m scared...when I think I’d die...)

Yoshino: “.....But it’s better than giving up.”

Ibuki: “......You’re too stubborn for your own good.”

Ibuki frowns as if he was been caught off guard.

Ibuki: “Who are you? Where in this body do you get this energy?”

Yoshino: “I’m just a human. So I’ll always do the best I can.”

My hair, wet with cold sweat, sticks to my cheeks, which is depressing.

Ibuki: “-----We’re moving.”

The frustration of being held like a real doll, unable to move, was overwhelming.

Ibuki puts me on a horse and we rode through the battlefield......

.....................

Ibuki: “I think you’ve reached your limit.”

Yoshino: “Haa......ah......”

(What...was I doing...?)

(Fight...no, attack everyone..)

(How long...has..passed..?)

We met both the Shogunate and the Rebel soldiers on the way, and each time I attacked them with foxfire just barely managing to deflect it.

It’s strange that I was able to keep conscious.

Yoshino: “I haven’t killed....anyone...yet, right?”

Ibuki: “You don’t even know what you’re doing anymore, do you?”

I clenched my teeth and glared at Ibuki.

Yoshino: “Answer me!”

Ibuki: “....you didn’t.”

(Thank god...)

(I can still be me.)

Ibuki: “You’re a strange woman.”

Yoshino: “I’ve heard that before....from someone....else....”

Ibuki: “Huh?”

I muttered, floating in the heat.

(Oh, I see.)

Yoshino: “....Kurama.”

Ibuki: “.......do you like him that much?”

--------Part 5--------

Ibuki: “Do you like him that much?”

Yoshino: “I don’t like him...”

Ibuki: “Don’t lie.”

(Because words like that don’t do it justice.)

Yoshino: “I love him.”

Ibuki: “....................”

I heard Ibuki gasp faintly.

Ibuki: “You’re so----”

(Ibuki?)

As if hesitating, Ibuki’s hand reached out to touch my cheek and then-----

Yoshino: “Nn....ah....”

Ibuki: “----Time’s up.”

A burning heat spread from my chest.

Ibuki: “The spell is complete. And look, the main body of the Shogunate is also approaching.”

As I look out, I see a large group of people on horseback down the cliff.

(Stop! Stop! Please---)

Ibuki: “Our game is over. Get comfortable, Yoshino.”

His voice sounded even gentler.

(.....I can’t control it anymore.)

Yoshino: “Don’t come...”

The foxfire scorches the sky and falls down the cliff.

(Is that all I can do?)

(Don’t give up yet. I don’t want to end my life in disgrace.)

These thoughts were like a flashback to my time in the Rebel mansion.

Yes, that was when I was almost killed by soldiers who had a grudge against the Shogunate-----

I was about to give up everything when I was met with the cold fury of Kurama.

------FLASHBACK------

Yoshino: “Help! Kurama—-”

Kurama: “That’s right. Beg me from the bottom if your heart.”

-----FLASHBACK ENDS-----

(Help me!)

Before I could think, I inhaled and shouted in a dry voice.

Yoshino: “Help, Kurama!”

A moment later----a gust of wind forces the foxfires away.

Ibuki: “....! No way.”

(This wind----)

Even the remnants of the foxfire that exploded in mid-air were blown sky-high.

Black feathers fluttered with the wind that rose from the bottom of the cliff.

Kurama: “-----You wished well, Yoshino.”

Yoshino: “Ah....”

(Is it for real....?)

I struggled to see through my blurred vision, hoping that the fever and pain cause me to have an illusion.

Ibuki: “....Are you out of your mind? You’re injured.”

Kurama: “Don’t touch her.”

As he lands on the cliff, Kurama made his way, while opening his fan.

Kurama: “If you touch her, I’ll kill you. Even if you don’t touch her, I’ll kill you.”

The wind turned into a deadly blade and attacked Ibuki all at once.

Ibuki: “It’s too good to come at this moment. This is reality, Kurama!”

Ibuki’s greatsword tears through the wind blade. One of the blades barely cuts through Ibuki’s cheek.

Ibuki: “Alas, the curtain has fallen. Yoshino, you take care of Kurama.”

Ibuki pushed my back as I fall forward.

Yoshino: “Nn....”

Kurama: “Yoshino!”

(I can’t...control my powers...)

Golden balls of light rise over the vastest area ever seen.

It became a huge vortex, forcibly sucking the power out of Kurama.

(No...stop!!)

Ibuki: “It’s a reaction to all you’ve endured. I’m afraid you’re going to get yourself into trouble.”

Kurama: “Where are you going?”

Ibuki: “Just know, that I won’t be there to see you die.”

Ibuki slipped through the smokescreen of dust.

As if to support this, a foxfire blazes up in front of Kurama on its own.

The blue foxfire spreads out on the ground, quickly burning through the grass and closing in on Kurama’s feet.

Kurama: “Yoshino.”

Yoshino: “Ku..ra..ma...’

With his wind blades, Kurama pushes the foxfire away.

But in the meantime, a golden vortex swept relentlessly around Kurama, stealing his power.

(Ah)

Kurama closes the distance, forcing his way through the vortex that clings to his body.

He grabbed me tightly by the wrist and my cheek brushed against his solid chest.

Kurama: “I know what you’re going through. Be patient.”

Yoshino: “.....nn...mnn....”

(Eh?)

I felt a popping pain in my body and my spell was suddenly broken.

Yoshino: “What are you...?”

Kurama: “From the restraint of Yasuchika, I temporarily bound your soul with my magical power. It won’t last long, and it won’t alleviate the pain or fever, but it should stop the outburst for now.”

Yoshino: “Really...?”

Kurama: “Yeah.”

The languidness that had taken over my whole body was still there, but I moved my fingertips fearfully and a little freedom returned.

(Ah, thank god....then for once, I don’t have to hurt Kurama.)

My body was also burning from inside out because I sucked out Kurama’s power.

Kurama’s low voice was the only thing I could hear clearly through the rain and the ringing in my ears.

Kurama: “Is it painful?’

It’s a question without any embellishment, which is why I couldn’t disguise my true feelings at the moment.

Yoshino: “It is..”

(I can’t help it anymore...)

(It’s hot...I can’t think anymore...)

Kurama: “I see.”

(Why does Kurama have a painful expression?)

Kurama’s hand was placed gently on my throat and his sharp nails brushed against my skin.

Kurama: “Tell me what you want.”

Chapter 24

[jaskierrrrrr]

As someone who hasn't read the books nor played the games, I personally thought the second season was quite good (especially in comparison to the first one). So now I looked up the reactions on tumblr and some peoply are massively unhappy with it, if not bitter to the core. I get that some points aren't held consistent (e. g. Kaer Morhen being hard to access) and some aspects deserved more focus (e. g. Jaskier's emotional state) but isn't it normal that tv adaptions are never going to cover everyone's expectations? Everyone familiar with the universe beforehand is going to have explicit ideas of what they want to see, and it's never going to be that way. I think Henry Cavill summarised it quite well in a short interview bit discussing a similar issue.

Basically, I don't really know what to do now. Stay away from the negative reactions to simply keep enjoying something that makes me happy bc its just a tv show after all? Read more into the criticism and possibly get into an even worse mood because of those (but simultaneously feel less like a fake fan?). Read the books to gather my own impressions? Maybe you or others have a good idea how to handle this inner conflict.

(also i love ur blog, thanks and bye)

Hey this is a really great ask and a very important question. Obviously spoilers for the Witcher series 2 below.

I think several factors are involved in the particularly strong reactions to S2.

1. Many fans (like myself) had not read the books before S1, and even those that had would probably agree that S1 did a pretty good job of matching the books.

2. We had a LONG wait before S2, where many people had the chance to read the books if they hadn't already done so. But because we'd been given these (new) versions of the characters, we spent two years producing and consuming mainly fan produced media (incredible fan fiction, amazing art, spectacular GIFs etc)

3.Blood of Elves seems (in my opinion) like one of the harder books to adapt for the screen. The Last Wish lent itself to the 8 episode system quite nicely, where each episode felt distinct, whereas S2 needed to tell a more cohesive narrative rather than one off adventures.

So I think people's expectations were definitely higher for S2 than S1. And as you rightly say, any adaptation will never please 100% of the audience. And I can completely understand why some fans are disappointed! And people are allowed to be! But some people not liking S2 does not make S2 objectively "bad," in the same way liking something does not make it "good."

Having different opinions is what makes us human. And just as I wouldn't make you feel bad about liking coconut because I hate it, the fans who are expressing dislike for S2 are not doing so in order to say "anyone who likes it is WRONG," they're doing it because they're expressing their thoughts and opinions. And you have as much right to not engage with those opinions as others do to express them in the first place.

At the end of the day, a TV show is fundamentally designed to entertain. And if you do so, you do not have to feel guilty about enjoying it! Personally I'm interested in hearing all the different opinions (although I do think there is some excessive negativity, and anyone sending hate to the actors/ creators can kindly piss off), but you are under no obligation to do so, particularly if reading it is making you feel sad or upset.

Maybe think what would happen if you did engage with the criticism? If you did engage with it, would anything about the show change? Obviously not, so if the only outcome is that you won’t be happy, then there is absolutely no need to!

And I do think the strong reactions will die down after a while. It's inevitable that people's initial reactions are going to be WTF (be it positive or negative). But I made this blog about a month after S1 dropped, and the amount of incredible fan creations I still go back to is astounding. Regardless of opinion, this fandom is one of the most creative and passionate I've ever had the pleasure of being in, but I do tailor my experience so I can get the most enjoyment out of it for myself. (For example, I don't really enjoy NSFW content, so I just block the tag! ) And at the end of the day, enjoyment is the most important part!

[punkpanda16]

Mistakes and Miracles ch. 16

Yoongi x Reader

Word count: 3.2k+

Summary: We never know what to expect in life . Just like you never expected to be a single mother at a young age, much less come to find the father of said child is no other than you idol Min Yoongi from the worldwide hit sensation BTS. What will happen to your somewhat “normal”  life when he comes in and turns it upside down? Will you be able to raise a child with your extremely attractive bias?

Warnings: use of bad language

Type: Fluff, angst

Your POV

Leaving behind someone you love is not easy. It is even harder when your son spends hours crying because he misses his dad.

Being a parent has taught you life is an internal battle of decision making. A part of you really needed to do this for yourself. No matter how much you loved Yoongi or Little Min, you still wanted to do some things for yourself. To some this may seem selfish but, you knew dating someone or even becoming a mother should not take away from your identity. Your family, your friends, and your life back home are a large part of that.

You loved Yoongi but, from now on things were not going to be simple. You choose your son and Yoongi. And at the same time Yoongi’s life chose you.

No matter how hard it would be with the media, fans, and his career, you did not want this new life to completely destroy you. You had seen many devastating examples of what this life of fame could do to idols or to those around them who were simply rumored to be close them.

When you arrived home and began to settle into your old life, you realized how much you missed it. It was those little things we tend to forget about and take for granted. Things like simply going out to dinner without feeling like you have to be on guard the entire time. Things like seeing your friends or taking Alexander for walks without being covered up or followed by security.

Moments like today. A wave of guilt and sadness hits you as you push Alexander on the swings. His giggles fill the air as you make faces at him every time he swings back to you. You see his little eyes light up as he goes up and down. These beautiful moments you wish you could enjoy more often.

Yoongi did everything in his power to keep those around him happy and safe, especially his son. However, the constant fear of someone hurting Alexander can make it hard for him to enjoy moments like this in peace. This is where the guilt and sadness stems from.

He does everything he can to ensure a bright future for his son but in doing so he gives up doing everyday things with his family and friends.

This brought back a memory of the first time he began to open up to you.

~Flashback~

You sat in the studio lulling Alexander to sleep as you listened to Yoongi work. A soft melody fills the air making you sleepy as well. When your head begin to drop you felt it was best to move Alexander to the crib Yoongi had installed in the studio for him.

He had it custom built to look like a piano with the keys painted on the side as well as, a mobile with hanging music notes. When you turned it on it would play piano versions of their songs like "I Need You" and "Butterfly. " He even moved some of his equipment to fit it right next to his desk.

Sometimes you couldn't help but think how lucky this baby was to have a father like Min Yoongi.

“You can go home and get some rest. I’ll be here a few more hours but I’ll take him home as soon as I am done. That way you won’t have to worry about moving him or him waking you later.” He said softly, making sure he doesn't wake your sleeping baby.

“I’m his mother. Even if he’s sleeping right next to me, I worry. I mean before I had your guys' help I spent every moment I could with him and look at what happened.” You say with a sad smile as you remember all those nights you saw your son in the hospital. How small and vulnerable he looked connected to all those machines. No matter how many months pass it still scared you how close you were to losing him.

There were a few moments of silence before he spoke again. “I am worried and afraid all the time.” He says as he looks longing at his little boy.

“Rapper Man is afraid?” You tease with a smile. The sweet smile he shows you in return makes your heart swoon.

“Yes, I am afraid. I also feel sad and guilty and mad… You know like normal human beings.” He jokes back.

“I know but you always look like you keep it together.” You say softly.

“Well in this world there is nothing else I can do to not break down.” He says sadly.

You sit back down as you face him. You watch his soft features as he keeps his eyes on his sleeping baby.

“You know..” he says as he turns his attention to you. “You are one of luckiest people I know.”

“Really?” You say a surprised. “Well I guess it is not everyday you not only meet your idol, but raise a kid with them. This life of luxury with you guys is what I’m sure many ARMY would kill to experience even if it is just for a day.” You say with a small smile.

“No. T-that’s not what I mean.” He says with a frown. “I’m not talking about the luck of us meeting or the luck of being brought into this “idol life” with me.” He says as he watches you with his catlike eyes. The sadness in them makes your smile drop.

“O-oh I’m sorry I didn’t mean it to sound like I was using you for money or fame or anything. I’m meant as in-" You begin to panic a little.

You never wanted to make him or any of the boys feel used. They were genuinely your family. It never mattered if they were idols or not. You loved them for who they were outside of the spotlight.

“Hey it’s okay I know what you mean.” He reassures you with a smile. “You're not like that. Despite how I treated you when we first met, I know you now. You would never do that to me or the rest of the guys or our son.” Every time he said our son it made butterflies dance in your stomach. It felt like love, adoration, and home all wrapped up in one.

“I mean you are lucky to be you. You, as in a normal person. Some one who doesn’t feel the weight of all this on your shoulders.” He says as he gestures to the things in his room.

“You could leave right now. You could pack up everything including our son and leave. And I couldn’t stop you.” He says sadly.

“Yoongi, please. One, I would never take him from you and two, I know first hand, you would fight anything or anyone who tries to take that sweet little man from you.” You reassured him.

“I would never fight you.” He says as he looks into your eyes.

“Don’t be silly, you know you would do anything for him.” You say with a smile. You try to keep up a happy expression in order to keep the conversation light, but you have a feeling this is going somewhere deeper and emotional.

“That’s why I wouldn’t fight you if you decided to leave me and take him with you.” He says in a serious tone, one you've only ever heard him use with the boys. Mainly, with Jungkook when he gets into trouble.

“What?” Your face is now matching his.

“You heard me. If you left and took him, I would let you. I wouldn’t gather a legal team. I wouldn’t let the boys contact you. I wouldn’t even contact you. I would just make sure you both are financially secure.” He explains.

“Are you- what? Are you okay? Where is this coming from? This isn't like you.” You asked with worry in your voices.

He lets out a small chuckle. “This is totally like me. You said yourself I would do anything for him. And I would do anything for you. If never seeing me again is what keeps both of you safe and happy, then I would do it in a heartbeat. You- you don’t know what it’s like to be here.” He said as he pointed to himself.

“Well I’ve lived with you and the boys for a few months. I think I can get some sort of idea.” You try to reason.

“No. Well yes, maybe you know some of it. But it’s the inner pain and frustration. You had some time to live a somewhat normal life in your teens and early adulthood. Granted being a mother young, especially the way it happened to you, isn’t what many go through. But even then, that time before you met me, you had a life. You had friends you could go to dinner with and you had your family whenever you needed them. You could make mistakes and learn from them without having thousands of eyes watching and judging you.” He stops to take a breath before continuing.

“I want him to have that. I want him to grow up like we did. No flashing lights or interviews or scandals. I want him to have real friends. I want him to feel safe enough to run in a park. I want him to just be a kid.” He says. “I don’t want the world to be on his shoulders too.”

You sit there processing his words for a moment. “You know I am very lucky. I did get to have all of those things. And yes, you have a point, I will never be in your place and feel all the hurt you feel. But, in certain ways I can understand. I mean going out with friends and living a “normal life” was me at one point. Now, I look back and that feels like a whole other lifetime. Ever since that little one came into my life… his whole world has been on my shoulders. No matter how hard I try it never feels like enough.” You say with a frown.

“But, you know what is enough.” You say as you look him in the eyes. “You. Us. This family that we build for him. That kid is going to have the best chance at happiness because you are his dad. And he has uncles that will be there to guide him as well. It’s different and definitially not easy but if anyone can raise him... it’s you. Honestly, you don’t even need me, you're the best dad in the world.” You say with a small laugh.

“Haha. Don’t say that. I... We need you.” He says with a shy smile.

~Present~

You’re brought back to reality by a ding from your phone.

From Yoongi (2:23 pm) : Hey beautiful. I just wanted to check in. I know we talked like an hour ago but I miss you and Little Min. Give him a kiss from me please. I also send you kisses, don’t think I forgot.

From Yoongi (2:25pm) : Also, there’s something we need to talk about. Don't worry too much about it. It’s just something we need to talk about as soon as possible.

You don’t know why but his message made your stomach turn. Yoongi is typically a very direct person. He doesn’t bring important things up through messages like this. He will always just call or say it face to face.

You felt it best to just get home and put Alexander down for a nap before you call him back.

“Alright my little man. Let’s get go-"

Your words die in your throat and the world seems to go into slow motion as you see someone you thought you’d never see again approaching.

If your stomach was upset before you could definitely throw up at this moment.

“Hi. Can we talk?”

Yoongi’s POV

He knew sending that message was going to have you thinking about every possible negative scenario for the rest of the day. He didn’t want to worry you but he also didn’t want to blindside you the next time you talked over the phone.

It all started when you two hung up earlier. You had mentioned that you were taking the baby on a walk after lunch. He felt it was a great idea seeing as his son didn’t get to go out in public as often now that the media knew of his existence.

He had obviously offered to send security with you but you wanted to just be alone with your family. The less attention you drew to yourself the better. That he understood, but he still worried. He trusted you and knew you would never put Alexander at risk on purpose. Plus, if anything were to happen he could always make some calls and get you security right away.

As he went back to work after your call ended he heard a knock on his door.

“Hold on, it's locked. I’ll open it.” He closed the file he was working on and went to open the door.

On the other side he found Namjoon, Jimin, and Teahyung standing there. Their faces held small signs of worry. He didn’t think too much of it. The comebacks always had all of them on edge. They were probably just tired and missing their nephew.

“Come in.” he says as he opens the door for them. They all file in as he goes back to the computer.

“Good thing you guys are here. I have this beat and I just can’t-" he tries to explain until he’s cut off.

“Hyung…. umm we need to talk about something. Look, don't worry we already talked to the mangers and they-" Jimin starts to ramble nervously until Namjoon put his hand on his shoulder to stop him.

“What’s going on?” Yoongi asks as he finally faces them.

“We got some news about Alexander’s birth mom. And we need to talk to you first before we get the team together.” Namjoon says sadly with tears pooling in his eyes. Now that he looks at his friends more clearly he notices Taehyung and Jimin both have red eyes too, a clear indication that they’ve been crying.

“Y-you. What? No! No that’s not possible. She is gone. Why? What does she want?” Yoongi says as he stands. He is practically yelling at his point as his blood beings to boil.

“Is it money? Does she she want fucking money?!! Just give it to her. I don’t care what she asks for, give it to her!” He can feel the fear and anger create a knot in back of his throat.

“Hyung, let’s sit down and talk for a second, okay.” Taehyung suggested. They all move to couch where Yoongi tries to calm his breathing.

This can’t be happening. After everything this can’t be how he loses his son.

“So what does she want? Tell me. I’ll give her anything’s so she can just get out of our fucking lives for good.” He says angrily. The boys all look at each other unsure what to say next.

“The problem is we don’t know.” Namjoon says as he looks away as if he ashamed of his answer.

“Y-you don’t know?!! How could you not know?! This is my son… MY SON, your nephew need I remind you, we are talking about and you don’t even know what that bic- what that woman wants to leave us the fuck alone!” He yells out of frustration.

“Hyung, you need to calm down. She didn’t ask for anything, all she said was she wanted to meet you and Y/N to have a talk. She wants you to bring the baby too.” Jimin explained nervously.

“She must be fucking crazy to think I'd let her anywhere near them.” He responds as he stands up and begins to pace around the room. At this point he just wants to break everything. All the work on controlling his anger seems to be forgotten at this very moment

“You have to.” Namjoon says with anger in his voice. He stands up and walks toward Yoongi.

“I don’t have to do shit. Alexander is my son and Y/N is my girlfriend. I will do what I think is necessary to protect them. And that woman has brought nothing but pain to both of them.” He spits with venom in his voice.

“We don’t have a choice!” Namjoon yells back. They are practically face to face now. Taehyung and Jimin get ready to intervene if necessary.

“What do you mean we don’t have a choice? Of course we do. Tell her to go fuck herself. She gave up the right to see my son the moment she walked out on him.” Yoongi continues to yells but steps away from his friend in order to break some of the tension they were creating.

“She said she’ll sue us and go public if you don’t meet with her.” Namjoon responds. That was enough to shut him up immediately.

The public had come to not only accept Little Min, but absolutely adore him. Obviously, rumors and questions about how he came to be circulated, but the company made sure to keep most of that story private. It was never to lie to fans, rather to keep Alexander safe and away from scandal. If the media were to find out now about everything it would not just be the end of just Yoongi’s career but the end of BTS. A scandal like that they could not recover from.

“I c-can’t do it to my son, but I especially can’t do it to Y/N. I know she has told me not to hate that woman but I know deep down if she saw her again it would hurt her.” He said sadly.

“Hyung, you know we love Y/N like family. But, we have to think about everyone. We would never put either of you or Little Min in a position where you would be hurt. If you say yes to this meeting, we will focus on setting everything up. Everything will be on your terms.” Jimin explained.

“If you say yes, then we will make sure it happens when and where you want it, Hyung.” Taehyung says as he hugs his friend tightly.

“And if I say no?” He asks in a broken voice.

“Then...we have to talk about our options.” Namjoon says seriously.

“Can I have sometime to think about it? It’s not just my decision to make. I need to talk to Y/N.” He says as tears finally roll down his cheeks.

“We can give you a few hours. But we need to act fast. Try talking to Y/N as soon as possible.” Namjoon says as he leads the other boys out the door.

“We love you hyung. No matter what. We are here for you.” Jimin says as they leave.

He wanted to call you right away but you were probably still at the park. He didn’t want to ruin that time you were spending with Alexander so he decided to just message you. He decided it would be best to just call you once he gathered his thoughts.

[whenisitenoughtrees]

to be honest, capable (of holding you) (part 3/3)

He walks forward, crouching over the snake, and when it doesn’t stir at all, he works up his courage and pokes it, just a little. Its scales are warm and smooth under his fingertip, and he resists the urge to stroke them. He doubts he could get away with that.

“Janus?” he asks, trying to keep the somewhat hysterical laughter from his voice. “That you?”

Thomas didn’t know that Janus could turn into an actual snake, but he’s glad to hang out with him regardless. More than glad; ecstatic, even, because he’s been trying to figure out how to befriend him for ages, and this seems like a good first step. What he can’t figure out is why human-Janus is being so weird about it.

(Alternatively: Janus doesn’t trust easily. He wishes he could stop trusting Thomas— it would be so much less terrifying.)

Chapter Warnings: swearing

Chapter Word Count: 6,292

Pairing: platonic Thomceit

(part 1) (part 2)

(masterpost w/ ao3 links)

They still don’t talk about it. Thomas is beginning to suspect that this is causing a lot more problems than it solves. And by now, enough time has passed that it almost feels wrong to address it, any of it, feels like it’s too late, like he’s let the opportunity slip through his fingers.

So, he decides to try a different approach.

“Really?” Logan asks, raising an eyebrow. He appears entirely unimpressed, like a teacher about to explain for the millionth time that he’s not going to give out the answers to the homework.

“Yes, really,” Thomas says. “I just can’t figure him out, and I thought maybe you could help me with that.”

Logan sighs, taking a seat across from him at the dining table. He clasps his hands in front of him, folding his fingers delicately. “Very well,” he says, “if only because the matter will continue to distract you if you don’t resolve it sufficiently. Where would you like to begin?”

He frowns, tilting his chair back until the two front legs lift off the floor. “I don’t really know,” he says. “I guess I just want to know why he acts the way he does. ‘Cause he seems to have no problem approaching me as a snake, but he’s so standoffish as a human, and I can never figure out exactly what he wants from me, like, ever. He’s just… confusing, and I don’t know what to do about it, or how to talk to him.”

Logan inclines his head. “In that case, it may be prudent to reflect on how this conundrum began in the first place,” he prompts, and Thomas thinks on it, casts his mind back to that day, and the snake in the sunshine.

“That’s the first question,” he agrees. “He started coming up here for the sun, right? To be warm?”

“It is rather fascinating that he possesses so many traits of a creature that is truly cold-blooded,” Logan says. He leans forward. “It does seem to me that acquiring warmth was a primary motivation for him, at least at first. However, there is another question to be considered, which is that of why he felt the need to do so here, rather than anywhere in the mindscape. Though it is true that there are some circumstances in which it is difficult to find a simulation of sunlight, such as when the twins insist on rainy weather in the Imagination, it is by no means impossible, and he should have the capability to summon a heat source for himself. A heat lamp, for instance.”

“But instead he came up here,” he says slowly. “So, you’re saying he wanted to be here. That he wanted to be… what, near me?” The idea sounds preposterous, though all the evidence points to it being the correct conclusion. Because if Janus didn’t want to, he wouldn’t. It’s that simple.

Logan nods. “Remember, the first time he was faced with a lack of warmth both inside the mindscape and out, he immediately accepted your offer of sharing body heat. Somehow, I find it difficult to believe that he would have behaved in such a manner if no part of his motivation involved being close to you, in some way.”

“Okay, maybe,” he says. “But I still don’t get why he’s doing it like this. He always seems so embarrassed when I try to bring it up to him, like he doesn’t want to talk about it at all.”

“Oh, come on, Thomas,” Virgil says. “You can’t possibly be that oblivious.”

Thomas starts violently, a yelp escaping his throat. He nearly overbalances, nearly sends himself and the chair crashing to the floor, but he corrects himself in time, clutching at his chest as he wrests his heart rate back down to something approaching normal levels.

“Holy smokes, Virge,” he says. “A little warning, next time?”

From where he is perched on the chair between them, Virgil shrugs, looking vaguely apologetic.

“Ah, Virgil,” Logan says. “I was wondering when you were going to arrive.”

Virgil rolls his eyes. “Sorry I’m late,” he snipes, not sounding sorry at all. “I was just making sure that, you know, Janus wasn’t listening to you guys talking about him behind his back. You can’t honestly think he’d be happy that you guys are having this conversation, can you?” Thomas blinks, and Virgil must sense his sudden increase in nerves, because he shakes his head. “He’s busy with Remus right now, so you don’t actually have to worry about it yet, but a little bit of caution wouldn’t kill you.”

He sounds annoyed, but not overly angry, so Thomas relaxes a bit. “Right,” he says, “sorry, Virgil. Wasn’t really thinking about that.” He pauses. “I have been wondering where you’ve been, actually. I really thought that you’d, uh, have a little bit more to say about the whole letting-Janus-basically-cuddle-with-me thing. But you’ve been kinda quiet.”

Virgil exchanges a glance with Logan, shifting in place. “Yeah, uh, you’ve got Logan to thank for that,” he says. “Look, I don’t like the guy. I probably never will. But—” He pauses, hunching his shoulders— “even I’ve got to admit that he’s not gonna hurt you, so honestly? I have a lot more problems with the things he says and tries to get you to do than the, uh. Whatever the hell this has been.”

He gestures broadly, leaning back. Despite his typical disaffected tone, there is an odd gravity to his words, and Thomas knows that there’s something he isn’t saying. But he won’t press the issue; not yet anyway. Virgil is entitled to his secrets, and though he has long speculated on what, exactly, his relationship to Janus is and was, he is content to leave it alone for now.

“Fair enough,” he says. “So, what do you mean about me being oblivious?”

Virgil raises an eyebrow. “Really? You can’t figure it out?” he asks. “Janus is the embodiment of lies and deceit, Thomas. He’s the opposite of trustworthiness.” Thomas opens his mouth to interject, since he really doesn’t see how this is relevant, or even remotely helpful, but Virgil holds up a finger, forestalling him. “And I’m not just saying that in the context of him not being trustworthy. Which he’s not, by the way, just to make that clear.”

“Yeah, no, I know exactly where you stand on this,” he mutters, and Virgil glares at him. “Sorry, sorry, please continue.”

“All I’m trying to say is that he’s got some fucking trust issues, alright?” Virgil snaps. “He’s—” He breaks off, looking away and reddening slightly. He seems to struggle with himself briefly, his face twisting into some undefinable expression: a heavy reluctance, mixed with something Thomas can’t put a name to. “He’s kinda like me, in that way. You remember how long it took me to believe you when you started telling me you actually wanted me around?”

Guilt floods him, then, the memories of how he used to treat Virgil rushing back. These past couple of years have been good, so much so that he rarely thinks back on where they started. He knows Virgil so well that it is easy to forget that he feared him, once, pushed him down and tried to ignore him rather than working with him or trying to help him.

“Virgil—”

“No, listen.” His words come insistently, once again verging on frustration, so Thomas shuts up. “I’m not saying that to make you feel guilty, or whatever. We’re past that now. We’re good. And god knows I fucking hate comparing myself to him in literally any way. But what I’m trying to say is that being a, a ‘dark side’ or whatever you want to call them, it’s not exactly conducive to believing that you care, or that you value our opinions. So even though you’ve accepted him, and you’ve started actively listening to his contributions, he probably doesn’t trust you not to, like, reverse positions, or some shit like that.”

“But Thomas hasn’t shown any desire to do so,” Logan interjects, “nor any indication that his stance will change in the future.”

“Maybe,” Virgil returns, “but Janus is self-preservation, not logic. He likes to pretend that he’s all cool and confident and rational, but he’s not. So he’s gonna act out of self-defense, no matter how stupid a move that might be.”

“You’re saying he thinks I might hurt him,” Thomas says. A strange sort of horrified numbness settles into his chest at the very thought, because that is the last thing he wants. It has always been the last thing he wants. And now, so much time has passed, and they haven’t addressed it at all, and maybe it really is too late. Because Virgil is right; it only makes sense that Deceit himself would be hesitant to trust, and he’s not sure there’s anything he can say or do to convince him otherwise. If he doesn’t trust him at this point, who’s to say he’ll ever trust him at all?

Would he be right not to?

“I’m saying he’s scared you might hurt him,” Virgil says bluntly, breaking him from his thoughts, and that’s even worse. He finds it hard to picture Janus being scared, but Janus lies as easily as breathing. What’s one more emotion to mask?

He doesn’t want Janus to be scared of him.

“I’m not sure how much sense that makes,” Logan says. “If Janus truly has the trust issues that you are describing, it wouldn’t be rational for him to seek out Thomas as much as he has. If he fears being hurt, it would be more logical to stay away, rather than actively searching for his company.”

Virgil shrugs. “Exactly.”

There is a beat of silence. Thomas looks at Logan, and has the gratification of seeing that he appears as confused as he feels.

“What?” Logan asks.

“Oh my god,” Virgil says. “Do I have to be the one to spell this out? Janus has trust issues, yeah? He’s afraid of getting close to you, because he thinks you might hurt him. But he’s been spending time with you anyway. What does that tell you?”

He furrows his brow, trying to sort through the words. There is something there, a conclusion that Virgil is attempting to lead him, to, but it’s not quite—

Oh. Wait.

“That doesn’t follow,” Logan says. “You’re saying he doesn’t trust Thomas, but now you’re trying to imply that he does?”

Virgil shrugs again, this time looking remarkably self-satisfied, a smug smile forming on his lips. “I guess,” he says. “I’m not saying it has to make sense. Trust… isn’t always based on logic. Sometimes it’s just emotions, or even just a gut feeling. Intuition. And like I said, Janus pretends not to be emotional, but at heart, he’s just as much of a dramatic theater kid as Roman is, if that tells you anything. He’ll be snarky and prickly and dickish all day long, but just because he pushes you away doesn’t mean that’s actually what he wants.”

His voice lowers at the end, becoming something soft and bitter and laced with experience. Thomas exchanges another glance with Logan, but once again decides not to force the issue. Virgil will come to him when he’s ready and not a moment before.

“So, you think that he does trust me, on some level at least,” he says, working through the information as he goes. “But not enough to approach me openly, or to talk to me about it, so maybe he doesn’t trust me not to take advantage of that trust? Or maybe he doesn’t trust me to trust him, or maybe he doesn’t trust me not to reject his trust.” He pauses, considering. “Hey, do you ever say a word so many times that it starts to lose its meaning? Trust. Trust, trust, trust. Truuuust. See? Gibberish.”

Logan exhales through his nose, sharp and pointed. “Focus, Thomas,” he says wearily, and Thomas forcibly brings his head back down to earth. “Have you come to a conclusion as to what your next step should be?”

Thomas looks at him, and then looks at Virgil. They are both staring at him, twin expressions of expectation on their faces, and his heart warms to see them like this, working together so easily, united in their purposes. Logic and Anxiety, Logan and Virgil. They really do make a good team. He doesn’t know where he would be without them.

He hopes they know that.

“Yeah, I have,” he says, and laughs. “I guess I should’ve been doing it all along. I need to talk to him.”

Logan’s face relaxes, and he nods. “There you have it,” he says. “Working through this with us is fine and good, but you’ll never be satisfied until you can figuratively ‘clear the air’ with him.” He unfolds his hands, bracing them against the table as he stands, his chair scraping against the floor as he pushes it back. “If that is all you need from me, I believe I will be on my way.”

Thomas smiles at him, helpless to do anything but. He really does love his sides. “Sure thing,” he says. “Thanks a lot, Logan.”

Logan sinks out, but Thomas is sure that a matching smile plays about his lips.

And then, he looks to Virgil, still crouched in the other chair, shoulders hunched and fingers fiddling with the sleeves of his hoodie. His brow is creased, his eyes narrow, and it is a far cry from the open posture of moments before.

“You good?” he asks, and then stops to reconsider. Virgil is rarely completely good, so to speak, and clearly, there is something else on his mind now. “With all of this, I mean,” he clarifies. “I know you said that you were okay with me and Janus hanging out, but I know that there’s some kind of past between the two of you, and I. Uh. I mean, I want all of you to be happy, and that includes Janus, but that includes you, too. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable if there’s anything I can do to help with that.”

Virgil sighs, gaze shifting to meet his eyes. He looks tired all of a sudden, drained.

“I’ve been thinking about this a lot, lately,” he admits. “And yeah, when he first showed up and started doing this? I was freaked. I’m sure you felt that. Logan’s had to talk me down a lot. But I—” He hesitates, sucking in a deep breath. “I’ve realized something recently, and that’s the fact that a lot of my problems with Janus are pretty personal. Not all of them, but more than I really thought. And I don’t think it’s fair to you to push my view of him onto you when really, I’ve just been projecting my own feelings.” He shakes his head ruefully. “My private issues with him don’t necessarily mean that he never makes any good points. Maybe if I hadn’t been so against hearing him out in the first place, we could’ve avoided a lot of bullshit. So, I’m sorry. From here on out, I’m gonna try to be better about that.”

Thomas blinks. And then blinks again. He feels as though a weight has been lifted from his chest, a weight that he didn’t know was there at all. It’s only now that it’s gone that he realizes how worried he has been about this, about Virgil and Janus and the relationship between them and how he is supposed to keep them both close when their enmity is so strong.

“Oh,” he says. “Oh, wow, uh. That’s really good to hear.” His words stumble over each other, but the smile that softens his tone is completely genuine, and he hopes that Virgil picks up on that. “I’m proud of you.”

Virgil jerks, his eyes widening. Under his foundation, his cheeks flush red.

“Cool,” he says. “Um, thanks. Whatever.” He salutes, his typical two-fingered motion landing just shy of casual, and he sinks out from the chair, leaving Thomas alone at the table.

Well. Not truly alone. When is he ever? Just because he can’t see them doesn’t mean they aren’t present, doesn’t make them any less a part of him.

He breathes deeply, in and out, and feels more balanced than he has for a long time.

-------------

He gives it a day. A day to rest, a day to formulate a vague plan of how to go about this, of what to say. Though he now feels secure in this course of action, knows that this conversation needs to happen, he is still nervous about stepping wrongly. Janus has a temper, and more defenses than a temple from Indiana Jones, and if this meeting goes off the rails, he isn’t sure how to salvage it. Better to try to keep it running smoothly from the very beginning.

He wishes he were more confident in his ability to do that.

He sits on the couch, tries to get comfortable. His heart is beating quickly, though just as much from anticipation as from nervousness. He inhales deeply, and then stretches out his arm, motioning like he’s trying to raise someone from the floor.

“Janus?” he calls out, and stops to wait.

And then, he is there, stepping smoothly from the shadows. It’s totally unlike the way the others rise up, but it’s not like how Virgil does it, either. Virgil appears suddenly, like every jump scare in every horror movie, quick and forceful and undeniable. But Janus strides forward as if he was there all along, and something in Thomas’ mind insists that he was, that he has been there this whole time, even though he knows very well that he only just arrived.

“Thomas,” he says, voice level and collected. Looking at him now, it is difficult to believe that he was ever injured, that Thomas has seen him bleeding and shaking, that Thomas has felt him cling to him in his sleep. He appears nothing less than completely put together, gloves immaculate and hat perfectly balanced, and just for a moment, Thomas loses his nerve.

But just for a moment, and that is all.

“Hey, Janus,” he says, projecting as much confidence as he can muster. “Do you have a minute?”

Janus lifts an eyebrow, and the set of his eyes shifts, just slightly. He wouldn’t have noticed if he weren’t watching, but there is a flash of— something. Dread, perhaps, though he can’t be sure, and whatever it is, it doesn’t show in his voice.

“I suppose,” he says, somehow managing to sound both agreeable and incredibly put upon, “though I am terribly busy, you know. I can’t imagine why you would assume I’d make time for you.”

As always, it takes mental gymnastics to figure out which parts he means and which parts are sarcasm, but Thomas tries not to dwell too much. He pats the couch next to him, gesturing for him to sit, and after a second of hesitation, Janus does, sinking into the cushion with a fluid, graceful motion, crossing one leg over the other. For all the world, he appears completely at ease, but Thomas isn’t convinced that’s the case. There is something in the tilt of his head, the tension in his hands, that suggests discomfort.

He hopes it’s just discomfort, and not anything stronger than that.

“Okay, well,” he says. “I’m glad you could.” He pauses, trying to figure out if there’s a delicate way to start this, but he thinks that Janus would see right through any attempt at prevarication on his part. So he soldiers ahead, bracing for the fallout, whatever that may be. “I’d like to talk to you about the snake thing that you do.”

Janus blinks, lifting his chin slightly, and Thomas can’t help but wonder if it’s a conscious decision for him. Blinking, that is. Snakes don’t blink, after all, so does that translate to his human form? Does he choose to blink? Does he have to think about it?

“I’m afraid you’ll have to be a bit more specific than that,” Janus says coolly. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m at least partially a snake at all times, so you’ll have to tell me which ‘snake thing,’ exactly, you’re referring to.”

He sighs. “I think you know,” he says.

Janus’ shoulders stiffen minutely.

“And what about it?” he asks. “I don’t see what there is to discuss. Unless this is you asking me to stop.”

He sounds defensive, far more so than Thomas would like him to be so early in the conversation, and he struggles to quash his alarm.

“No, I’m not asking you to stop. Definitely not,” he says, meeting Janus’ eyes squarely. “I’m happy to spend time with you, Janus. And if you’re a snake during that time, then that’s completely fine. But I wanted to ask you why, I guess.” He hesitates, but Janus doesn’t interrupt, just continues to study him with wary eyes. “I mean, at first I just thought you wanted to get warm. And that’s cool! I’m one hundred percent cool with that! But the thing is, I’m pretty sure that there are other ways you could do that, if you wanted. So, I wanted to see if maybe there was another reason.”

Janus looks away at that, a scowl twisting his lips.

“Snakes are cold-blooded,” he says, his words short and clipped. “You’re a convenient source of heat, that’s all.”

Thomas has never been so sure that Janus is lying in all his life.

“Okay,” he says. “I’m not gonna push you to tell me. Not if you don’t want to. But if you do want to, you can. I really would like to know.”

And because the moment seems to call for it, he gently reaches out and places a hand on Janus’ arm. Janus’ eyes widen, and he tenses, but makes no move to pull away, so after a moment of indecision, wondering whether this touch is welcome or not, Thomas maintains the contact. After a second or two, Janus turns his head toward him again, eyes flitting back and forth between his hand and his face, and his expression is unreadable, but Thomas is fairly sure that some kind of emotion is trying to make itself known, though he can’t be sure exactly what it is. Shock, perhaps, but he doesn’t think he’s said anything too shocking, unless—

He remembers that day, Janus bleeding all over his bathroom sink, and the fading look of surprise on his face when Thomas told him that he wanted to take care of him.

And he wonders: does Janus know he can have this?

He tries to recall whether he’s ever touched Janus as a human. Besides that one incident, he doesn’t think he has. Even when he placed Janus in his own bed and sat next to him, he put distance between them, a gap that was only closed after they both fell asleep. And in the morning, Janus was gone, almost as if he was fleeing the scene, and Thomas thought it was because he was embarrassed, but what if that’s not all of it?

What if he was worried about how Thomas would react?

“Janus,” he says slowly, “you do know that I enjoy your company, right? And not just when you’re a snake. When you’re human-shaped, too.”

“Of course,” Janus says, but it’s too quick, too shaky for Thomas to even begin to believe him.

“I’m serious,” he presses. “Is that… is that why you only hang out with me when you’re a snake? Did you think I wouldn’t want to otherwise?”

Janus glances away again. “Right, because you’d definitely understand,” he mutters, and Thomas makes a negating gesture with his free hand.

“Then why don’t you help me understand?” he asks, somewhat desperately.

Janus stays quiet for a long minute, and as the silence stretches on, he fears that he’s messed it all up, somehow, that he had this one chance to connect and he blew it, made a mistake somewhere without realizing, and Janus is about to reject him and sink out and he will never have this opportunity again—

“You do realize what you’re asking of me?” Janus says softly. He still doesn’t look at Thomas. Thomas wishes he would. “An honest conversation isn’t exactly my strong suit.”

“That’s okay,” Thomas says, and Janus closes his eyes and nods. Once, sharply, almost as if to himself.

“It is about warmth,” he says. “At least partially. I’m not sure why your mind decided to assign me scientifically accurate snake traits, but—” He shrugs— “I’m more than used to it by now. I… never really needed to come up here, though. I have heating lamps of my own, and if that doesn’t suit, I can usually find a warm spot in the Imagination. But, that first day, the mindscape seemed so crowded, like I couldn’t find a moment’s peace. So I decided to try up here instead. I told myself that if you spotted me, I would leave.”

“But I did,” Thomas says. “And you didn’t.”

“I was dozing. You caught me off guard, and then… to be frank, I didn’t expect you to let me stay,” Janus admits, and Thomas feels a pang at the confirmation. “But then you did, so I kept doing it, and it became a routine.”

He nods. So far, there have been no surprises. He remembers all of this very well.

“And then there was that rainy day,” he prompts, and Janus winces slightly, his eyes sliding back open, staring out into the living room, unfocused.

“Yes,” he agrees, whisper-soft, and Thomas leans forward to hear him better. “I knew it was foolish of me to stay here when I could have just as easily gone to my room and been warm there. But I didn’t want to.”

The last sentence carries the weight of a confession.

“Why is that?” Thomas asks. He barely dares to let the words pass his lips. Even now, when Janus is clearly trying to open up to him, he is still scared of saying the wrong thing, of making him clam up again, pull away.

Slowly, Janus uncrosses his legs, letting his hands splay out against his legs. For a moment, Thomas’ eyes are drawn to the contrast, yellow on black.

“I—” Janus pauses, his expression pinched. He shakes his head. “In the mindscape, it’s somewhat difficult to ensure a moment of solitude. It’s quieter up here, and even besides, that, I—” He cuts off suddenly, a violent shiver running through him, so intense that it almost seems like a convulsion.

“You?” Thomas prompts, trying not to show his worry. But Janus refuses to reply, and as Thomas watches, he slowly brings a hand up to cover his own mouth, an unsettling parody of when he silenced the others. And something in Thomas’ heart breaks to see it, to see this, to see the way Janus retreats into himself, the way he presses his hand against his face as if trying to hold back a flood.

The posture reminds him of something. The posture reminds him of Virgil. Of Virgil, anxious and afraid of judgment, and Thomas never really expected that from Janus, but he remembers thinking, way back when this first started, about how Janus and Virgil are alike. And that thought gives him the courage to continue, because he knows how to get through to Virgil when he gets lost in his head, so maybe he can get through to Janus, too.

So, he reaches out. One hand still rests on Janus’ arm, but he gently curls the other around Janus’ wrist, though he doesn’t try to pull his hand from his face, not yet.

“You don’t need to do that,” he says. “You can tell me. I swear, I won’t betray your trust.”

Janus’ face spasms, and gently, Thomas guides the hand down from his jaw. The skin around his mouth is red from the force of his grip, except for where the scales glitter, and his lips are drawn into a thin line, pressed together tightly. But there is something shining in his eyes, something that Thomas can’t interpret.

“Won’t you?” Janus asks. It should be a challenge, but it isn’t, not quite, because it’s not nearly aggressive enough for that, not nearly as aggressive as it was probably intended to be. There is a quietness in the words, a sort of defeat, and all of that is mixed with an odd desperation, like Janus thinks he knows the answer but wants to hear it anyway. “You hardly have a reason not to.”

Thomas is beginning to wonder if they’re having the same conversation here.

“No,” he says. “I know this isn’t easy for you. But I do have a reason not to, and that reason is that I care about you.” He wants to scrub a hand down his face, to let a bit of his frustration show, but doing so would mean letting go of Janus, either his arm or his hand, and he doesn’t want to do that yet. “Look, I get that trust is hard. And I’m not asking for anything that I haven’t earned. But what I do earn, I’m not going to abuse. I promise you, Janus.”

Janus shudders at the sound of his name.

“Can you promise that?” he asks.

And Thomas does the only thing he can think to do and draws him in for a hug.

“Yes,” he says, resting his chin on Janus’ shoulder. “Yes, I can promise that.”

Janus freezes up, and for a moment, it’s like hugging a stone statue. But Thomas holds him close, so close that he can feel his heartbeat beneath all his layers, beating rabbit-quick and scared, and he doesn’t let him go, and incrementally slowly, Janus melts into his embrace, inch by inch, as if he’s fighting it, fighting himself.

“It’s about safety,” he murmurs, and Thomas has to strain to hear him. “I feel safe, with you.”

“I’m glad,” he replies, and hopes that Janus can hear just how much he means it. “I’m really glad. But why do you feel like you have to hide that?”

Janus doesn’t answer, but Thomas thinks he can guess. Virgil’s voice still rings in his ears, reminding him of how long he’s pushed the dark sides away, how long it has taken for him to acknowledge them as parts of him at all, much less important parts, parts deserving of respect in their own right. Really, what reason does Janus have to assume that Thomas won’t hurt him, won’t shove him to the side, back down into the dark? Why would Janus discard his caution in favor of trust when it has taken so very long for Thomas to be receptive to him at all?

Janus conceals so much, all the time. It’s a part of his function. So how can Thomas possibly expect him to admit what he truly wants?

“It frightens me,” Janus whispers suddenly, and Thomas pulls his attention back to the present, startled. “I never allow myself to trust anyone, and yet… I want to be close to you. I always have, I suppose, but I never really expected it to be possible. I never expected it to be a problem—”

“Whoa, hey, no,” Thomas says, because he definitely needs to cut off that line of thinking right away. He pulls away from Janus, gripping him by both shoulders and holding him in front of him so he can make eye contact. “Your feelings aren’t a problem. You feeling safe isn’t a problem, and it never will be, you hear? The only thing that’s a problem is that I refused to accept you for so long, and I’m trying to fix that now. But that’s not your fault.”

He takes a deep breath, gathering his thoughts. When he speaks again, he keeps his voice low and measured and as sincere as possible, and he doesn’t take his eyes off of Janus’ face.

“I know we don’t know each other that well,” he says. “I know there’s a lot about you that I don’t understand. But I’ve really liked spending time with you these past couple months, and not because you’re a snake. You don’t need to be a snake to spend time with me. You’re not intruding, or, or bothering me, or whatever. I want to hang out with you, no matter what shape you’re in.” He smiles wryly. “Really, the only reason I didn’t say so sooner was because I wasn’t sure what was going on, or if maybe you actually didn’t want to be around when you’re, uh, human-shaped. But, Janus, I really mean it. I want to get to know you better. I want to be friends. There’s no conditions attached to that.”

He pauses.

“You’re always welcome to be close to me,” he says. “Always.”

They stay like that for a moment, like time has frozen around them, frozen this moment, and Thomas scarcely dares to breathe. Either this was the right thing to say, or it wasn’t, and he can only hope for the former and not the latter, because there is no taking it back. He’s spoken his mind and his heart with nothing less than complete sincerity, and he couldn’t renege on that even if he wanted to.

Janus makes a choked noise, and then, with one gloved hand, reaches out and snags Thomas’ shirt. And he pulls himself close, tucking himself against Thomas’ chest, burying his face into his shirt. His hat slides off his head and to the ground, but he doesn’t seem to notice, or care if he does. His shoulders are shaking, and Thomas can feel the growing dampness of the fabric against his skin, but he doesn’t say anything, because he’s said all that needs to be said. He knows it, and he thinks that Janus knows it, and he hopes that now, Janus will finally, finally be able to believe him.

So Thomas just wraps his arms around him, and holds him steady.

------------

It’s movie night. It’s movie night, and Thomas is feeling good, great, even, because there are no pressing deadlines or moral crises, and he’s making popcorn in the kitchen, a soft blanket draped over his shoulders while he listens to everyone affably bicker in the living room. And that’s what it is: bickering, not arguing, not fighting. Roman is advocating for Disney, surprise surprise, while Virgil is groaning about how “that’s literally all you ever want to watch,” and Patton is chiming in with a desire to watch something with animals, anything really, he’s not all that picky, and Thomas can’t help but smile as he walks in to join them.

Logan is the only one not particularly invested in the conversation, and he greets him with a nod. Thomas hands him the popcorn bowl, trusting him not to make a mess of it, and settles against his side. The others pile in in short order, Patton on the floor and leaning against his legs, Virgil tucked into his other side, and Roman dramatically splaying himself out along the rest of the couch and putting his head in Virgil’s lap.

Remus is here too, behind the couch. Thomas has told him that he’s free to join in if he puts some clothes on, and though Remus swiftly turned him down, there was an odd gleam in his eye that told Thomas to expect a change in the future.

“Was Janus going to join us?” Logan asks, voice barely audible over the sound of the others’ discussion, which has continued uninterrupted, entirely too intense for something as simple as picking a movie to watch.

Thomas grins at him, and lifts the blanket so he can see Janus, draped across his shoulders. Janus lifts his head and flickers his tongue out at Logan, but makes no move to leave or hide. Virgil glances over briefly and frowns, but doesn’t comment, giving Thomas a short nod.

“The Lion King it is!” Roman bursts out, and Thomas settles in.

They watch The Lion King, and when that’s done, Virgil insists on Hocus Pocus, and it’s getting late after that, but Patton quietly asks for Princess and the Frog, and even though Thomas can tell that everyone is close to nodding off, he puts the disk in and lets it play. His own eyelids are drooping before Tiana even meets Naveen, and he is close to falling asleep before Janus begins to shift in place, rousing him a bit.

And suddenly, Janus is in his lap, human-shaped, snuggling up against his chest with a sigh of contentment. Thomas adjusts automatically, shuffling so that everyone can stay comfortable. Virgil mutters something along the lines of, “Get your damn snaky elbow out of my face,” but his sleepiness undercuts any venom the words might have.

“You good, buddy?” Thomas murmurs, too tired to say much of anything else.

Janus hums, taking off his hat and casting it to the ground before tucking his head under Thomas’ chin.

“Shhhhut up and go to ssssleep,” he slurs, and Thomas smiles.

Besides the movie still playing on-screen, the living room is dark. But before Thomas closes his eyes, he thinks he sees Remus staring at him, thinks he inclines his head in… what, approval? And then he is gone, and Thomas doesn’t think too much more about it.

Because he has Janus, and he has all the rest of his sides here, gathered around him, at peace, and all is well with the world.

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[ihavelovednone]

Miguel’s grieving process

I saw a comment somewhere in the Mayans MC-tag where a few users called Miguel a cry baby and I just ... it got me thinking because I don’t feel like he is one. So this is a bit of a rambly, incoherent text about my view of Miguel’s grieving process. Also, long one.

The risk of stereotyping At the start of season 3 I thought that Elgin James just presented a stereotype, the rich businessman cheating on his little housewife. However, I think it goes deeper than that if you really stare it down, pick it apart. Miguel is an emotional human being, you can see it in the way he worries for his kidnapped son in season 1, in the way he worries about Emily slipping away from him in season 2. He was probably taught that crying is a weakness and men aren’t weak. They’re calm and collected, strong, resilient - and if someone wrongs you, you kill ‘em. He’s never learnt how to cope with sadness, loss, anger, or any other emotion that isn’t associated with positivity, that’s clear as day to me. He’s killing people left, right and center and has since season 1. 

Coping mechanisms I don’t think Miguel cheats ‘cause he loves Emily any less, or that’s she’s somehow done something to warrant cheating. No woman deserves to be cheated on. For Miguel, I think it’s a form of escapism, like how people that are depressed or riddled with anxiety sometimes turn to something that gives them comfort or release, something that takes their mind of it for just a second. And yeah, it’s not really a great comparison because it sounds like I’m condoning his behavior - and I’m not - but it’s the only one I got - and the outcome is the same. Escape. Forget. 

I also think one of Miguel’s coping mechanisms is distance, and I have a theory of it being related to anger and guilt. He feels guilty that he’s not broken down like Emily is and angry at his mother for leaving him like that and not reaching out to him - which makes him feel more guilty. Look at the way he distances himself from Emily. He comes home, barely says a word to her, demeans her, and then goes to have a shower and leaves again. He’s pushing her away. I know from my experiences, that sometimes when a person you love dies, you feel guilty after laughing, after feeling joy, love, comfort, whatever.

I also have another theory, and this might seem crazy. But because of the bond Miguel and his mother had, and I’ve touched on this in a different post - here - I think Miguel feels like he should have dibs on the grieving. I think there might be some jealousy there. He’s jealous that Emily’s grieving the way society tells us we should. Sometimes I think Miguel cheats because he can’t stand to see Emily be more broken down than him. 

The grieving process Grieving looks different for all of us. Some of us cry, some of us don’t. And sometimes it differs depending on how the person we’re grieving came to not be in our lives anymore. Dita’s death was traumatic to say the least. It wasn’t like she was just laying there, they’d burned her to a fucking crisp. It’s okay that it takes time. Emily’s somewhere between totally broken down - considering she’s on anti-anxiety medication to get the images of Dita’s body erased from her mind - and ready to get back to normal. She’s sick of the grieving. Probably because she’s gone through the process. 

Miguel copes by escaping to another woman. He wallows in pain and simultaneously puts the grieving process on hold. Every time he feels sad he goes to Palomo, he pushes the feelings of sadness out of the way. He’s not even returning the medical examiner’s calls because he’s so afraid that his mother’s cause of death is what he believes - that she committed suicide. 

Conclusion Some questions have come up whilst writing this piece. Why are we seeing Miguel as a cry baby? I don’t think his cheating ways warrant us to say he’s a cry baby. You gotta see behind the actions to understand that grief is complex. There’s nothing okay with cheating, but for someone like Miguel who’s clearly never learnt to cope with emotions it’s a plausible coping mechanism. Second question, doesn’t it say alot about us when we see a man in this state and automatically want him to get over himself? The stigma around grief is around us all the time. When it comes to Miguel that stigma is, to say the least, loudly expressed. No one’s telling Filipe to get over himself, no one’s telling Bishop to do it either. Also, something else to ponder over - I’ve never seen anyone saying the same about women grieving, why is that?

[sailordiavolo]

I'm curious, how do you think nero would react to meeting Alice, if she is his mom?

(very long post)

well, i may have to take a few liberties in answering this, so i shall establish some assumptions. 1) we assume alice is his mom (obvi) 2) we assume she is alive 3) we assume that she left him in fortuna as a way to protect him and 4) we assume that alice became a devil hunter. oh and 5) they meet post-canon, aka after the events of dmc5.

also, conclusions i draw from this will be somewhat based on how i would react, if put in these circumstances, i.e. if i were in nero’s shoes. i don’t know if that might make it strange or not, because sometimes i think i have abnormal reactions to emotional things happening.

another thing i would like to point out, is that as someone who hasn’t actually read the manga, my understanding of alice comes from second-hand accounts, and information i could glean from the wiki, and of a few panels i’ve seen. that being said, let’s get into this, shall we?

before covering nero’s reaction, i’ll touch on how i think alice might be as a person, or at least her feelings towards being a mother, and possibly towards nero himself. i’ll also talk about nero’s thoughts towards what he thinks his mother might be like, prior to finding out.

alice

from what little i know about alice, she was a little girl who was used by arkham as a tool to lure out the sons of sparda. (i think if lady/mary hadn’t turned against him, that role would’ve went to her tbh). i think it’s safe to say she was groomed by arkham, who probably also put her up to seducing dante (and vergil too). it just gets worse the more you think about it, really. i think she was forced to (or made to feel like she needed to) grow up prematurely. the powers she has were probably given to her via some weird demonic ritual, (assuming she’s human). what i’m getting at here, is that she definitely has a lot of trauma from all this, all of which would affect how she’d react to having a baby.

i won’t go so far as to diagnose her, but some things i thought she might struggle with include intense self-hatred and very low self esteem, very quickly going from feelings of independence to codependency, intense trust issues especially with authority figures, nightmares or night terrors, vivid daydreaming as a coping mechanism, being prone to delusion, going from feeling emotionless to having too much emotions, and not wanting to be perceived versus wanting to be the centre of attention.

that’s a lot actually, but basically i imagine alice as an adult to be someone who has a lot of trauma to sift through and unpack, and not really knowing how to handle it most of the time, especially since she’s doing it all on her own. barely keeping it together, but powering through it simply because she has just enough reasons to keep living.

alice as a mother

i don’t think there’s any question that alice, had she been nero’s mother, would’ve loved him dearly. in fact, i think he would remain a strong reason for her to keep going. however, she keeps herself away from him. this is because she wants him to have something better, something safer than what she can give him. she doesn’t know how to be a mother really, especially given how young she was when she had him.

i think alice would actually feel unworthy of being in nero’s life, feeling guilty for abandoning him, despite these reasons. she has considered many times going to see him, especially when she’s older and a little more stable, but she can’t bring herself to do it. and then she mulls over all the things she struggles to do for herself, and uses that as a reason to justify in her mind why she shouldn’t be seeing him. it continues like that for a long time.

nero

nero, on the other hand, has always longed for a mother. i don’t think this is any secret. when he was being bullied or was suffering as a child, he would fantasise about his mother, and how she would come to whisk him away. although it never happened, nero probably has a set image that he hopes his mother would be like. this may have been more specific when he was a child, but by the time he’s a more well-rounded adult with foster children of his own, he gains more perspective. i think the most important thing to him is that he had a mother who had loved him. a mother who would’ve taken him home, had she the resources. the idea of his mother discarding him really wounds him deep down, and i still don’t think he’s over it, even up to dmc5. that’s why the deadweight comment hit him so hard.

meeting each other

the first thing nero is going to be is overwhelmed, feeling all-too many emotions at once. if he ever met her, it would take him a long time to process it all completely. and it would be somewhat odd and awkward, too. alice doesn’t strike me as the most socially eloquent person. that and, alice doesn’t really come off as a mother. she certainly doesn’t dress like one. she doesn’t even seem that much older than nero, or so nero thinks. he just expected her to be older than that.

the first thing alice would feel the need to do is apologise. of course, she feels very emotionally raw & vulnerable in this situation, but she feels like she owes nero that much.

nero would start crying actually. like a baby. they both might. it would be very emotional for both of them and anyone else present. he would definitely warm up to alice a lot quicker than he did vergil.

nero of course, has so many questions for alice, who is at a point where she’s ready to answer them, i’d think. nero would ask all sorts of questions, like how she’s been living, etc. but he’d really wanna know about how she met vergil and how the hell that happened. alice sits with nero and tells him her story, maybe the first time she’s ever told it aloud to anyone in full. she asks about nero as well, sitting and catching up on all the years lost between them. being a foster father, nero is able to empathise with alice more as he listens.

i think they would bond very quickly after that. alice had been terrified that nero would spurn her, but he didn’t. alice has difficulty expressing emotions normally, and probably has her own way of expressing affection. but after meeting nero, she tries hard to make time to visit him.

if she were to become a devil hunter based in fortuna or something, i think she’d be very proud of nero, and nero would be totally amazed by alice’s strange powers.

also, i think nero wouldn’t know whether to call her mom or not. alice doesn’t know which she prefers either, but if nero does decide to call her mom, it secretly makes her happy.

[urlocalnctstan]

The Beauty And The Beast

Epoch 1

Autumn was here. The surroundings that were once green were now adorned in hues of orange and brown. Jaehyun flipped through the book he was currently reading, who's title went by 'Summerhill', subconsciously reminding himself to read it again as he finished it again for the hundredth time, to be precise, 113th. He sipped on his black tea as his eyes drifted towards the wooden window, observing the new change in nature. Neither seasons nor weather mattered to him, at the end of the day it would only be him all alone after all. His eyes lingered for a moment on the orange leaves until he felt the need to get up, debating silently on what library he should visit next, preferably somewhere desolate.

He despised human interaction; the hunger at times just kicks in when he can hardly control himself to stay composed. Things were not supposed to be this way, his whole family, his brothers would have been here if it were not for that dreadful malicious night. He passed through his library, the vintage touch of the best designers very prominent. The walls were transformed into wooden shelves, stained and burnished in textures of a brown oak tree. It was no surprise the whole library was filled with books, the shelves divided into 10 for all the brothers. Jaehyun did not reside on a specific genre, he loved to surf around all the categories, whilst the interests of others ranged from fantasies to science fiction. He liked the smell of the library, the odd scent of paper and wood subtly brought him comfort, for it would stage an illusion for him, making him feel that he was not the only one here. Living all alone for over 50 years has indeed made him more anti-social, his demeanor a big contrast to the one he had before all the tragedy occurred.

You on the other hand stayed still, cursing yourself for not arranging the books, and it was only seconds before the lady would recognize your negligence. You prayed, desperately clutched your hands, and silently kept praying, it was your only job and you cannot afford to lose it. As if in a response to your prayers, a man, probably in his mid-twenties entered the worn-out shabby premises, catching you off guard because literally, no one visits this rotten library. However, as he came closer, you felt your breath hitch as you took a nervous gulp; that man was breathtaking. His brown coat accentuated his broad build, the black hat perfectly resting on his black hair.

"I came to return this book," he scrunched his nose, it was enough for you to understand his distaste, slightly feeling embarrassed since you were the one who suggested it. Your manager lady similarly caught on the young man's comprehensible expression, shooting me a warning look that it could be my last chance to save my job. For a shitty library, it surprisingly paid you well.

"I am extremely sorry for my negligence sir, how about this, I'll bring you the newest and most popular books every week?" You anxiously fidgeted as you brought out the library logbook, scribbling down the return.

"I-uh...that would be very courteous of you. Thank you..." he eyes trailed on your tag, "Ms.Y/N."

"Thank you thank you thank you so much, young man, you're a lifesaver." You grabbed his hands, shaking them furiously in gratitude. His hands were oddly cold, too cold actually.

Jaehyun felt weird, it had been years since he had faced any human interaction. He quickly withdrew his hands, his now pink ears hidden by his black. Nonetheless, he was kind of grateful he would not have to face 2 hours long entourage to the library.

"I was about to lose my only regular customer, all because of your stupid choice," the lady scoffed, scrutinizing your every movement whilst you were cleaning the shelves. He was a regular but I never met him. "I shouldn't have fired the other one listening to you." She flashed you one last alarming look before storming out of the place. You let out all breathe that you had been holding while she was here, thanking heavens for not screwing up your life. While you held the book that read 'Summerhill', you could not help but let your mind wander to the only encounter you had today, apart from your manager lady's wrath. Why is it that I had failed to meet this Greek God in the past three months I’ve been working? You thought to yourself, organizing the suggestion shelf, the culprit which caused the book to land upon the hands of the Greek God, namely Jaehyun. With a loud audible huff, you decided it would be better to just organize the whole suggestion shelf, quietly reminding yourself to not be so biased on the books you chose just because the author was your favorite.

It was almost evenfall when Jaehyun reached back abode, the dilapidated exterior did no justice to its actual architectural essence, and the touches of the Victorian designs camouflaged by the overgrown bushes, the oak trees stood menacingly in the rear. At a glance, anyone would have thought it was a creepily haunted house, home to all the demonic supernatural things that could come to one’s mind. Jaehyun internally cringed for a brief moment, even after all these years, his laziness in keeping his home neat was still something he had to work on. Jaehyun felt shivers running down his spine as he thought how badly Taeyong would have reacted if he were to sight this view.

He felt his still heart tug, the probable scenarios of his brothers painting themselves in the back of his mind, how ecstatic and chaotically pleasant it would have been with them by his side, one and united again. For the first time that year, he went to the forbidden chamber in the mansion.

The room resided in the right west wing on the second floor of the villa. The long corridor that leads to the room barely had any light, the large velvet curtains were draped against the huge windows. With heavy steps he climbed up the wooden stairs, only the sounds of the woods creaking and his heavy breathing being audible. He wanted to retreat as he stood in front of the door, the wood had become too worn-out, the insects starting to make it their forever habitat. Jaehyun was unsure of the overwhelming emotions he was facing; he was hurt, scared but most importantly guilty. The fact that his brothers were in this state, all because of him, this guilt eats him up every day. He pulled the handle, the bronze material felt cold against his already cold pale skin. As he stepped inside, he was welcomed by all his brothers, standing still and lifeless. Jaehyun was cursed with loneliness for 51 years, all because he was too prideful and selfish to think of anyone else but himself. His brothers might have been the only exception; he treasured all of them with all of his heart. But he remained cold to the others, as he would call them 'outsiders'. At times when he would go out with his brothers, he would cross people suffering in cold or starvation, but never once did he have the heart to aid them with their trivial surviving necessities. Clouded in his superiority, he never claimed any of the girls he had been with, treated them as either one-night-stands or a way of passing his boring time.

One winter night, the heavens decided to test his limits of such obnoxious egoistic nature. A highly respected priestess roaming around the jungle seemed to have lost her way back, and thus decided she might just rest the night. She was always in her house, training to be more and more powerful until she became one. Completely inexperienced of human nature, her curiosity lead her to explore what it was like to live normally for a day, eventually leading to an aristocratic family's residence, the NEO Residence. They were the most powerful families of the 1800s, their fame and wealth being no new news to anyone. But she still decided to see if their wealth and fame were equivalent to their kindness. The priestess disguised herself in the clothing of a pregnant woman, her dress completely soiled and ragged; making her seem pitiful and powerless. She chanted something eerily magical, instantly transforming the calm snowfall into a vicious snowstorm.

Back at the NEO residents, the young men seemed to get baffled at the sudden change of demeanor of the weather. Johnny was the first to notice, keeping aside the book he was previously reading as he went over to the large windows of their house, the wood felt cold and beads of ice were already starting to form on the contrary side of the window glass.

“Taeil, Taeyong, what just happened?” He motioned the other two towards the window he stood in front, both failing to grasp the situation.

“Maybe it’s just an unprecedented snowstorm; don’t worry brother it’ll die soon.” He said despite feeling a bit uneasy for some reason. Neither Taeil nor Johnny could avoid their anxiousness; they felt something but could not quite comprehend the reason behind it. Similarly, the others started to take notice of the situation as well; Doyoung sprinting off to get Mark and Haechan from their rooms whilst Yuta stayed beside Jungwoo in case if he had a panic attack. But one seems to remain just as unbothered and lofty prideful as usual, Jaehyun. Winwin ushered Taeyong where Jaehyun was sitting, annoyed by his way too relaxed composure. Taeyong just nodded, as if he was telling Winwin that he would talk to Jaehyun for being like this yet again; at that point, it had become something very common for him.

“I don’t feel good about this,” Yuta sighed, rubbing the temples of his forehead.

“Neither do we brother,” Taeil said as he looked at Johnny, their worried glances meeting each other before the latter went over towards the window again.

“It is showing no signs of stopping anytime soon.” Johnny inspected before pulling over the curtains; an attempt to calm themselves down by concealing the ruckus occurring outside.

“Aren’t you all tiring out yourselves a bit too much?” Jaehyun got up from his seat, swirling the red wine gracefully in the expensive sherry glass he was holding. “Come on, brothers, it is just a snowstorm. Nothing can ever happen to us.”

“Jaehyun, can you for once stop being so obnoxious and think rationally? Do you really think it’s just a normal storm going on out there?” Winwin exclaimed, his face filled with rage.

“Not my problem, ya’ll go ahead tire yourselves out.” Jaehyun pursed his lips before returning to his seat, filling up his empty glass yet again.

Just then, they heard soft knocks coming from the main door of their house, followed by pleas for help. Taeyong rushed to the door, quickly opening as he was welcomed by the whirl of the snowstorm and a young poor pregnant lady. He quickly brought her inside before calling over Johnny and Yuta to shut the door, the force of the storm was a bit too much.

“I can’t find my way back to my house, please, let me stay for just one night.” the lady pleaded, barely holding herself up.

“Sure, no problem. We’ll ma-”

“No.” Jaehyun abruptly cut off Taeyong, staring at his intently at the lady. “You don’t have the right to, look at yourself,” Jaehyun scoffed as he stood up. “Do you really think you’re worth enough to stay here? Really?”

“Jaehyun stop it! Enough already!” Taeyong shouted, his loud voice echoing throughout the whole house. “For fuck’s sake, she’s pregnant, stop it.”

“Don’t try voicing out your opinions on me Taeyong.” Jaehyun now shifted his gaze towards his older brother, who was clearly outraged by his imprudence “Pregnant? It makes me not let her stay, even more, at least she’ll give birth to a normal human, unlike us.” He scoffed. “Or she is just gonna leave her child alone, just like our mother did.

“Stop it Jaehyun, you’re crossing it,” Taeil said calmly, contrasting his fuming self.

“Why big brother? Finally, feeling sorry for your girlfriend? Should have thought before he fed on her.”

“ENOUGH!” the lady yelled, her voice changing to her original. “My, my. My instincts were indeed right about you.” She chuckled as she looked directly towards Jaehyun, her green eyes glowing menacingly. The storm outside seemed to have shifted inside now, a tornado of green wind and sparkling dust surrounding the lady, the middle glowing with such tremendous light that the men had to cover their eyes in fear that they will go blind. As the tornado stopped, their faces went pale, they knew who she was.

“High Priestess Valery..” Haechan’s eyes widened in realization. The priestess smiled, clearly knowing the effect of authority she had on them

“Jaehyun it is huh?” She walked further towards him, whilst he still stood high despite the unsettling feeling he was then starting to feel in his half functioning heart. “You really think of yourself this high? No wonder even the headquarters nicknamed you imbecile.”

“We apologize for his gaffe, high priestess.” Taeyong knelt, the others following him.

Jaehyun felt his throat form a lump, he could not voice out an apology as he knelt for forgiveness. Disrespecting, that too the high priestess of the clan was a great omission; an act equivalent to committing high treason. Jaehyun knew he was doomed, he felt sicker and sicker as he thought about what could possibly happen next.

“I was actually looking forward to you know, rectify your spoiled little brother, but it seems to me that it is quite a handful of work.” She remarked, her bracelet with various initials glowing.

“We promise, we’ll discipline him more, high priestess.” Taeil pleaded. But Valery seemed to ignore all of their pleas.

“He needs to learn it by himself,” She said. “But you all are not quite the innocents as well.” Valery did something with her hands, fumes of lilac, and blue clouding around her fingers. A loud sound erupted as the gaseous colors spread throughout the hall, flashes of various images appearing. “Look carefully you foolish beings, look what you have been doing because of your monstrous selves.” “It wasn’t our fault, we were completely clueless as to what we were doing, and we knew nothing about our kinds,” Haechan exclaimed sorrowfully. “You kill innocents to satiate your beastly taste buds and still dare to say you’re not at fault?” Valery bellowed. “A death caused by accident or impulse is still nonetheless death to me, a murder.”

“As for you,” Valery said while pointing her forefinger towards Jaehyun. “You have shown me that not only you’re a beast outside, but also inside. I condemn you to eternal loneliness; your only family turning into lifeless statues, they can’t converse, eat, and sleep, a curse that shall remain for a lifetime if not broken within a span of 51 years, a curse that shall be broken only if a maiden chooses to fall for you despite your beastly nature.” And in a blink of an eye, she disappeared.

Jaehyun felt numb, his limbs paralyzing as he propped to the ground, seeing his brothers’ bodies turning into stones. Taeyong’s eyes glistened with tears, as it rolled down his cheeks, Jaehyun wondered if he would ever be able to free them from the wrath that befell them only because of him.   

[another-emotional-wreck]

My Only Sunshine-- chapter 2

Warnings: Language

Word count: 3k

Authors note: Sorry this one took so long yall, I'll try to have the next chapter out a little sooner. This past week was a lot and I wanted to make sure this chapter was done right. Thanks so much to everyone who's reading it and invested in the story. Yall mean so much to me <33 (If there's ever any confusion, don't be afraid to ask about it! ((and I promise you'll see Peter soon))

1 | 2 |

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“Jean?” Ororo rapped on the door with her knuckles while her head poked through the doorway.

A girl with hair like fire was adjusting her clothing and didn’t bother to turn from the mirror. “Yes?”

“Are you busy?

“I was actually about to go and meet up with Scott.” Jean turned to face Ororo. “Why, what’s the matter?”

In response, I was reluctantly dragged from the hallway into Jean’s room and gave an awkward wave in return. “Hi.”

“Hello,” Jean responded. Her facial expression didn’t change.

Ororo looked expectantly between the two of us before the uncomfortable silence became unbearable. “Alright since the both of you obviously can’t interact as normal human people do, I’ll help out a little.”

“Nyah,” Ororo turned to me dramatically. “Would you be alright with Jean helping you out?”

Jean interjected. “I don’t mind helping out, but I would like to know exactly what I’m helping with.” Jean turned to me. “Last time I went along with something I ended up in detention with you and Peter for a month.”

Ororo chuckled at the memory. “The Professor smelled like potatoes for a week.” while I stood there clueless, but a death glare from Jean wiped the smile from the silver-haired girl in a heartbeat.

“Right,” she cleared her throat. “Well, Nyah’s a little confused on what her mutation is, exactly. I, ever the genius, came up with the idea of doing what the Professor usually does and replicating the emotions she was feeling when her mutation arose.”

Jean stared at Ororo for a moment before sighing heavily and pinching the bridge of her nose. “And did it ever occur to you that maybe there’s a reason why only the Professor uses that method?”

“... okay, yes, but--”

“Jeez, Ororo!” Jean exclaimed.

“Please!” She pleaded, gesturing to me. “I wanna help her out. I know you know how terrifying it is not understanding who and what you are. If we have the chance to save someone from that, why not take it?”

I could see Jean fighting with herself on whether or not to agree. “Why not go and ask the Professor? I’m still not entirely sure what I can do and he has the skill and the actual authority to do it. Why not ask him?”

“You know why.” Ororo huffed.

“Um… I don’t.” I said.

The two girls seemed to forget that I was in the room as they both looked mildly surprised at the sound of my voice.

Jean smiled slightly, trying to calm her nerves. “The only time the Professor uses that method is when nothing else works.”

“Why not use it more often?” I asked.

“Well,” she sounded hesitant. “It’s mostly because it puts the mind in a fragile state and he doesn’t want anyone getting hurt--”

“Plus some kid went too far a couple of years back and the Professor is afraid of it happening again.”

“Oh,” my gaze dropped to the floor. “Alright then.”

I mean, did I really need to know what my powers were?

Ororo’s gaze softened. “Hey, look, you don’t have to go through with this if you’re not sure, I’m here to help either way.”

The gazes of both girls seemed to bore into me and after a moment of silence, I nodded slowly.

“Alright.” Jean rubbed her hands together. “Let’s just get this over with. I’m supposed to be meeting Scott in half an hour.”

*********

“So uh, what exactly do I have to do?”

Two chairs were placed directly across from each other, Jean and I sat in them while Ororo rested on her bed.

“Just uh-- just breathe.” She wiped her palms on her jeans and tried her best to keep her breath steady. After a couple of deep breaths, she closed her eyes and tried again. “I can go as far into your mind as I need to, but it would be better for the both of us if you did your best to keep that memory at the forefront of your thoughts.”

I furrowed my brow. “But why not just search for it? It feels like that would be easier, especially since I don’t remember every detail.”

“No,” Ororo shook her head frantically. “Definitely not.”

I figured she was joking, but my smile faded at Jean’s serious expression.

“Wait, what? Why?”

“Because,” she sighed. “I can only control my powers so well. Not even the Professor knows the extent of what I can do.” Jean glared pointedly at Ororo. “Which is exactly why it would have been a lot smarter to either wait to get help from the Professor, or just wait for your powers to manifest themselves.”

I hadn’t felt all that great about the idea of someone poking around my thoughts, but if it was risking everyone’s safety, was it really all that worth it?

It wasn’t hard for the two of them to tell that I felt guilty. Jean interjected at the exact moment I opened my mouth. “Look, I know that we’re making it sound like it’s the end of the world, but at the most, I’ll be a little tired. I swear, it’s not as bad as you’re thinking.”

“And you’re sure you’ll only be looking for one memory?” Sure I felt bad, but I also really, really didn’t like the idea of a stranger going through private thoughts and memories.

Then again, the fact that I was letting her in my head in the first place might have invalidated any desire I had for privacy.

“Just the one memory,” Jean repeated.

I could see Ororo clutching Jean’s pillow in my peripheral. “Okay,” I muttered. “Let’s get this started before I chicken out.”

Jean nodded and the door closed and my heart skipped a beat before I remembered that Jean was, in fact, telekinetic. She grabbed my hands and a small part of me wondered if that was necessary. Her eyelids grew heavy and her head dipped a little-- but I wasn’t feeling anything. How could I not feel someone going through my head?

Apparently, I had spoken too soon. A sharp pain shot right behind my eyes and I knew that she had entered, but it didn’t feel like expected it to. Had I not expecting it, I probably wouldn’t have felt the almost imperceptible change in weight-- not physically, of course. After the initial sharp pain, everything just felt dull and clouded.

There was a tug in the back of my mind-- as if someone was trying to drag something out of a corner. I resisted the urge to fight it and heard a quiet gasp from in front of me. Whatever Jean had been trying to drag out had grown into something that I couldn’t avoid.

The memories of that day played like a slideshow in my head and I could feel the emotions rising up with each frame that was presented.

Jackson going too far and my teacher following me through the hallways after I had stormed out of the classroom.

Me not knowing how I got from the hall to the bathroom when I never walked through the door, and eventually being hunched over the sink.

The teacher grabbing my arm only to end up across the room and unconscious in the blink of an eye.

Me suddenly appearing back in my classroom while the entire school sat in darkness.

I could feel every ounce of fear and anger and frustration bubbling inside of me, the strongest one being fear. How was I supposed to deal with this? I didn’t want any of it, I didn’t need any of it. Why me?

As my pain and frustration grew, the light in the room seemed to fade despite the fact that it couldn’t have been later than 4 pm. I risked peeking my eyes open to see the light in the room being pulled away-- like some sort of vacuum was sucking it all in.

“Umm...” came a voice from my right. I turned to see Ororo sitting stiffly in the corner, her eyes were wide and frantic. Her gaze landed back on me and I could have sworn she was on the verge of fainting.

I was too preoccupied with everything I was feeling to notice what was happening. Something in me screamed to get away.

“I gotta--” My head hurt and the room was swaying. I staggered to the bed and, as I fell, I could see that the pitch-black tendrils were all coming from me.

*********

“Ugh, fuck.”

Everything was bright-- too bright. My head was throbbing and the sound of my heartbeat thundering in my ears was unbearable and someone had moved me from the chair to a bed at some point.

The light in the room was overpowering and I covered my face with my hands, wishing that the light would go away.

Wait a minute--

I squeezed my eyes tighter and kept my hands over my face as I focused every thought into taking the light out of the room.

The space grew dimmer and I let out an audible sigh at the same time a man with an accent spoke up.

“Well, if this is how you’d prefer it, I suppose I don’t mind.”

My eyes shot open and I turned towards the voice to see none other than the Professor himself. I didn’t do much other than stare at him for a little while, which prompted him to speak once again.

“Well,” I could see him blinking harder than usual in an attempt to adjust to the unnatural darkness. “You surely caused quite the ruckus earlier.”

I was drawing a blank before my throbbing head reminded me why it was throbbing in the first place.

“Oh God,” I pinched the bridge of my nose as if that would get rid of the thundering in my head. “Are Jean and Ororo alright?”

“She’s alright. Ororo ran out of the room for help pretty quickly after you fell over.”

I turned so that I was facing the professor entirely. “Is everyone alright?”

“No one was hurt Nyah,” Charles’s voice was calm and soothing. My head grew quieter the longer he spoke.

“Did the backup generator work well?”

He looked genuinely confused. “Backup generator?”

“Well, yeah,” I muttered. “How else is the power back on in the rest of the school?”

“Ah, I see.” The Professor chuckled at my confusion. “Nyah, you don’t control electricity, you control darkness. When Jean entered your mind, whatever you felt was powerful enough to push any trace of light from the building.”

There’s a chance he was able to sense my guilt. “If it’s any consolation, once you went unconscious everything returned to normal.”

“Oh.” it was silent for a little while before I thought of something else. “What about Jean?”

“She’ll be alright,” he sighed. “What she did earlier took a little more out of her than she likely expected. Jean is powerful, but she has much to learn.”

The Professor quirked his eyebrow and rested his chin on his fist. “What I would like to know, however, is why none of you thought to come to me.”

Sitting through this conversation I felt like a little kid being reprimanded, except this time I couldn’t think of an excuse-- at least not without somehow blaming Ororo for the entire thing.

“I, uh-- well. Ororo just wanted to help--” the Professor snorted at that. “She brought me to Jean and told me about the method we used earlier. I figured it was a good enough idea because I had no clue when I’d be able to figure out what was wrong with me.”

His eyes softened. “Well, your first problem was thinking that there was something wrong with you in the first place.”

Anyone could guess where this conversation was going, but I really didn’t feel like having it right now. “Right. Sorry, I mean what my mutation was.” My brain latched onto another thing that Ororo had said. “Ororo also mentioned that part of why you never use that method is because something… happened a few years ago?”

The Professors’ change in attitude was instant. His eyes grew heavier and he looked at least a decade older than he had just moments before. The two of us bot sat quietly in the darkness, and I noticed that, although the room we were in was pitch black, the halls were perfectly lit.

“What happened with that student was a mistake-- one that I refuse to make again.” It seemed as if he was reliving the moment in his head. He was paler than usual and his eyes seemed glazed over.

It took a moment for him to continue. I don’t think he knew that I could see him as clear as day since he tried to act as if nothing had happened. “No. I refuse to make that mistake again.” His face brightened and he looked in my direction. “All I ask is that you come to me if you ever need help with your powers, Nyah. We are here to help you..”

“Of course,” I nodded.

“Now,” the Professor said. “I do believe that dinner will be served sometime soon. Would you be interested in joining the rest of the students?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Excellent. The cafeteria is--” he turned to see a kid walking past. “Emanuel, would you mind showing our newest student to the cafeteria?”

After a moment of confusion, the kid smiled, his teeth practically shining bright enough to illuminate the pitch-black room. “Of course, Professor.”

“Lovely.” The Professor turned his chair towards the door and left, but paused just before.

*********

The walk was awkwardly silent and I struggled to keep up with the kid in front of me.

“Hey,” I huffed. “Would you-- uh-- would you mind slowing, down a little bit?”

“Hmm?”

“I said: could you slow down?”

Yeah, sorry.

The hallway to the cafeteria seemed farther than it needed to be. Was this even the right way?

In yet another attempt to lighten the atmosphere, I spoke up again. “Jeez, it feels like we’ve been walking forever.”

“Not forever. About fifteen minutes, maybe.”

Oh, alright then. “How far away is the cafeteria from my room?”

“About two minutes tops.” His voice was calm and unwavering in the most condescending way possible.

“Are we going the right way?”

“Of course,” he said matter-of-factly.

“Are we taking some sort of detour?”

“The quickest way is always the best, so no.”

“So how has it taken us fifteen minutes to walk what would usually take two?” My confusion seemed to do nothing more than amuse him.

He adjusted the coil of stark-white curls atop his head with a small smirk. “Because I want it to.”

I hadn’t realized that, at that point, we had arrived at the bustling cafeteria, yet it seemed as though people were just beginning to get their food. I turned towards where I thought Emanuel was standing, only to see that he had vanished.

“Alright then,” I mumbled to myself.

I took one step and it felt like the first day of school all over again-- probably because it was. It was loud and everything was moving. I could hardly see where the lunchline began and the constant sound and movement wasn’t helping.

Everything felt smaller than it should have. I could feel each footstep and hear each conversation. I felt a threateningly familiar pit in my stomach and I was too afraid to risk what might have happened if I didn’t find something to help.

I reached towards my belt loop to feel that what should’ve been there wasn’t. I looked down and realized that I had left it in my dorm.

Shit.

Hoping I’d be able to make it there and back with enough time to get my food, I took a look at the slowly growing line, sighed, and raced back towards my dorm.

By the time I arrived all of the light had returned to normal and my duffle was squished between my bed and the wall. I reached for it and found my Walkman and headphones, securing everything before walking back towards the cafeteria.

Like Emanuel had said, the walk was only about two minutes and I couldn’t help but wonder how he’d managed to stretch it out as long as he had. Maybe he was just screwing with me?

I looked at the line, which was far too long to stand through for whatever they might have been serving, which left me with just finding a table until dinner was over.

As I scanned the room I felt a pair of eyes boring into me, which turned out to be none other than Emanuel’s. His gaze made my spine feel weird, so I looked away, eventually deciding to just spend the rest of the hour in my room.

*********

Her face brightened the moment she saw me which, to be honest, wasn’t an unwelcome reaction.

“Jesus, Nyah.” her arms were wrapped around me before I could register what was really happening. “Where were you?”

“Uhm, unconscious,” I joked, and Ororo pulled away to frown at my humor. “How’s Jean doing?”

Her face fell ever so slightly. “She’s alright, but still exhausted. Hank said not to let her out of bed for another day or two.”

The guilt was heavy in my chest as I nodded.

Ororo took note and had an idea. “Come on, you haven’t seen my room yet.”

I was half led, half dragged down a series of hallways until we reached another dorm that looked like it had been occupied for quite some time.

The walls were covered in posters of various bands and movie characters, all over walls painted and electric blue.

“Dude,” my jaw was close to the floor. “Your room’s amazing.”

“I know.” She winked as she grabbed a snowglobe from her shelf and shook it.

“Hey,” I said to Ororo. “Do you know anything about Emanuel?”

She plopped herself onto her bed. “Who?”

“Emanuel Nelson,” I repeated. “Pretty tall, white hair, kind of an asshole.”

Ororo snorted. “Yeah. Everyone knows him.”

“What’s his deal?”

“I’ll tell you later tonight.”

“And what’s tonight?” I sighed, already having a pretty good idea.

“You’ll see.”

Although it was meant to be a secret, her grin told me everything I needed to know.

[divinelydeanna]

The Shadow

Time and time again, we may find ourselves turning down a dark road of emptiness, and self sabatoge.

 All experience /shadow work, suffering, addictions, is to make the unconscious conscious, and guide us to dive deep into new somatic territory, open new neurological pathways, to create new circuitry of self love and to experience deep intimacy.. 
 
Awareness and proper framing of what's going on is crucial.
The 'Psychic Winds of Change' blow through our Minds can be crazy fast and volatile , and at any moment may not be showing any signs of slowing down just yet. 

Exploring Unchartered territory , spiritual healing modalities, can open new neurological pathways , create new circuitry of self love and to experience deep intimacy if we are willing to do the work. Otherwise it is spiritual bypassing. 


We all have demons inside us. Every day, we fight against them – sometimes we lose, sometimes we win.

These demons haunting us can be seen either in small glimpses or in full chaos. And because of our guilt and shame, we tend to ignore and bury them.

We think that they should stay hidden because they cannot and should not exist in our conscious self. The society tells us to focus on the good things like love and light, but never the darkness or shadow.

However, when we focus only on the “light”, it doesn’t reach to the depths of our being. It just feels like superficially hanging on a warm and fuzzy thing.

“Positive thinking is simply the philosophy of hypocrisy – to give it the right name. When you are feeling like crying, it teaches you to sing. You can manage if you try, but those repressed tears will come out at some point, in some situation. There is a limitation to repression. And the song that you were singing was absolutely meaningless; you were not feeling it, it was not born out of your heart.” – Osho

Inside every one of us are darker problems that exist. In order to touch the very depths of our being, we must be ready to explore our buried self through shadow work.

Here are the basic things you need to know about shadow work:

Beneath the social mask we wear every day, we have a hidden shadow side: an impulsive, wounded, sad, or isolated part that we generally try to ignore. The Shadow can be a source of emotional richness and vitality, and acknowledging it can be a pathway to healing and an authentic life. – Steve Wolf

First, we must define what is a “shadow”.

In the field of psychology, a shadow is a term used to refer to the parts within us that we may try to hide or deny. The name was originally coined and explored by Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, Carl Jung.

It comprises of the aspects of our personality that we tend to deem shameful, unacceptable, ugly. It can be envy, jealousy, rage, lust, desire for power or the wounds incurred in childhood – all of those we keep hidden. Jung believes that when the human Shadow is shunned, it tends to sabotage our lives. Repressing or suppressing one’s shadow can result in addictions, low self-esteem, mental illness, chronic illnesses, and various neuroses.

“Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.”– Carl Jung

You can learn to identify and work with your shadow self so that you can reach your goals and live your best life.

For many people, denying their inner self is the path they usually choose, but as you’ll see here, we are big fans of accepting who you really are and working with that, while choosing strategic thoughts and emotions in order to continue to move forward. Transformation, which so many of us are looking for, does not come from a place of denial. It comes from a place of acceptance. While you might not think it is possible to find your way to the “dark side” and come out a better person, we are here to tell you, it is.

“Man needs difficulties; they are necessary for health.” – Carl Jung

Here are 8 ways to practice shadow work:

1. Believe you are worthy and that things will get better

The first step in overcoming your shadow self and taking back your life is to acknowledge that you are worthy of good things.

When we are feeling low it is easy to continue to feel that way. Humans have an uncanny ability to feel sorry for themselves, and sometimes that is all we want to do and it serves its purpose.

But sometimes, that self-pity takes hold of us and makes it very difficult for us to get out of the rut and get back to our normal routines, or even better, our best self.

The key is learning to love yourself.

However, in this day and age practicing self love is hard.

Why?

Because society conditions us to find ourselves through our relationships with others. That the true path to happiness and fulfillment is to find love with someone else

I recently came to understand that this is an extremely unhelpful standard.

People living regular lives

What I discovered is that the relationship I have with myself is mirrored in my relationship with others. Therefore, it was very important for me to develop a better relationship with myself.

“If you do not respect your whole, you cannot expect to be respected as well. Don’t let your partner love a lie, an expectation. Trust yourself. Bet on yourself. If you do this, you will be opening yourself to be really loved. It’s the only way to find real, solid love in your life.”

2. Pay attention to the emotions you feel

No emotions are bad.

Our negative emotions are portals into the shadow. They help us determine our wounds and fears.

When you feel an emotion, take a minute to examine it. Ask yourself the following questions:

What am I feeling?

Why am I feeling this?

Wait for answers.

Don’t be frustrated if the answers do not come right away. Sometimes, the answers need time to be found and you’ll know it.

Never force answers and jump into conclusion because they might be the wrong ones. Shadow work is considered soul work and it happens on its own timeline. Just be patient and know that in time, the answers will come.

This steps simply means to accept what comes up for you, when it comes up, and acknowledge that you are an emotional being that may, from time to time, find it difficult to manage your emotions.

If you are working to tame your shadow self, then you’ll be paying attention to these moments so that you can stay with them, rather than try to run from them.

So many people simply want to feel better in the moments where we feel the greatest amount of discomfort, but if we can stay with our emotions, name them and be grateful for them, we can overcome them and move on to better things.

The better life is not created by not experiencing those emotions, but by experiencing all of them with gratitude.

RELATED: I was deeply unhappy…then I discovered this one Buddhist teaching

3. Identify the shadow

Our shadows are located in our subconscious. We buried them there that’s why it’s tricky to identify it.

n order to perform shadow work, we need to identify the shadow. The first step is to become aware of the recurrent feelings that you always feel. Identifying these patterns will help highlight the shadow.

Some common shadow beliefs are:

I am not good enough.

I am unloveable.

I am flawed.

My feelings are not valid.

I must take care of everyone around me.

Why can’t I just be normal just like others?

4. Investigate your feelings objectively and with compassion

t’s hard to do shadow work objectively and with compassion. It’s easier to investigate and blame other people why you end up that way.

On the other hand, understanding why the people who hurt you acted in a particular way is hard to accept. But in order to heal ourselves, we must forgive those who hurt us in order to move on.

Try to navigate that they did the best they could do at that time or were simply acting from their own wounds.

It’s also easy to feel bad about yourself for having these negative feelings. But there’s no reason to feel bad. We all experience negative emotions. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t.

It’s important to accept our negative emotions and be okay with them.

According to philosopher Alan Watts, Carl Jung was the kind of man who could feel something negative and not be ashamed about it:

“[Jung] was the sort of man who could feel anxious and afraid and guilty without being ashamed of feeling this way. In other words, he understood that an integrated person is not a person who has simply eliminated the sense of guilt or the sense of anxiety from his life – who is fearless and wooden and kind of sage of stone. He is a person who feels all these things, but has no recriminations against himself for feeling them.” – Alan Watts

5. Focusing on your breathing

How much attention do you pay to the way you breathe?

If you’re like most people, then probably not a lot. We usually just let our body do the job and completely forget about it.

I think this is one of our biggest mistakes.

Because when you breathe, you produce energy for your body and psyche. This has a direct connection to your sleep, digestion, heart, muscles, nervous system, brain and mood.

But the quality of your breathing doesn’t depend only on the quality of the air — it depends much more on how you breathe.

That’s why many spiritual traditions pay so much attention to breath. And focusing on your breathing is a key technique they use to help people explore, and ultimately conquer, their shadow self.

6. Explore the shadow

Psychologists use art therapy as a way to help patients explore their inner selves. It is because art is a great way to allow your Shadow to manifest itself. Here are some ways to express the shadow:

Journaling

When you write, it allows you to feel emotions and empty your head of the thoughts rumbling around. It’s like magic – even when you write thoughts that have no sense. Just write whatever comes to mind because you can’t do it wrong.

Write a letter

Write a letter to yourself or to those who hurt you. You don’t have to actually send the letter, just let all your feelings out.

Tell the person in mind what you feel and why you feel it. Writing a letter will validate yourself and your emotions. You can burn the letter after you write it as a symbolic release.

Meditate

In meditation, we gain insights about why we feel certain ways. It helps us understand and objectively delve deeper about our emotions, then allow ourselves to heal.

One example is forgiveness meditation. You can picture a person who hurt you in your mind and say, “May you be happy, may you be at peace, may you be free of suffering.”

Recommended reading: A spiritual master explains why you can’t meditate properly (and what to do instead)

Feel

You will never heal unless you allow yourself to face the emotion you’re scared of. So explore them, write about them and make art out of them.

To experience yourself as a whole, loved, and lovable, you need to own up to your emotions.

Dreams

Our thoughts and deepest emotions can come out in dreams, according to Jung. When you experience a dream, write down what occurred immediately so you don’t forget.

By understanding your dreams, you might understand more about yourself.

“The dream is the small hidden door in the deepest and most intimate sanctum of the soul, which opens to that primeval cosmic night that was soul long before there was conscious ego and will be soul far beyond what a conscious ego could ever reach.” – Carl Jung

However, Jung says that it’s important to understand that one dream by itself might not mean much, but patterns from multiple dreams might:

“An obscure dream, taken by itself, can rarely be interpreted with any certainty, so that I attach little importance to the interpretation of single dreams. With a series of dreams we can have more confidence in our interpretations, for the later dreams correct the mistakes we have made in handling those that went before. We are also better able, in a dream series, to recognize the important contents and basic themes.” – Carl Jung

Remember that the shadow thrives in secret but they are part of who you are. Bring the hidden parts of yourself to light and bathe them in self-love and acceptance.

Sometimes, the process hurts but it will make you a better person. Keep in mind: When it comes down to getting what you want, you have to not only confront your inner darkness but embrace it.

Rather than try to turn it off when you feel the shadow self-rearing its ugly head, allow yourself to feel it and be curious about it.

In some cases, you might find that it serves you, especially when you are trying to protect yourself from things that might otherwise threaten your higher self.

When you tap into your shadow self properly, it can be a powerful alter ego that can help you manage trying situations.

It’s when you let it rule your life, or pretend you don’t have a shadow self that problems persist.

7. Nurture your inner child

Our childhood traumas can be caused by the way we were parented or other people who hurt us. It can result in deep wounds that can create behavioral and emotional patterns that create our personality.

Most of the time, our childhood wounds are the most painful. They haunt us and tell us we’re not worthy of love, or that our feelings are wrong, or that we have to take care of everything because nobody was around to take care of us.

Nurturing your inner child involves traveling back in time to when you were hurt and give yourself love. You can do this by:

Go back to the time in your life when you felt most vulnerable.

It can be a scene where you got hurt or a time in your life when you felt vulnerable. Hold that image of yourself in your mind. Stay aware, taking in any messages that arise during that time.

Give the younger you compassion

While reliving the moment, give love to your younger self. Tell yourself, “I love you and I’m here for you. It will be okay, it’s not your fault and you did nothing to deserve this.” You can also give a hug to your younger self.

One thing is for sure when doing shadow work, it is uncomfortable, to say the least. Who would enjoy owning up to their flaws, weaknesses, selfishness, hate, and all the negative emotions they feel? Nobody.

But while focusing on our positive side is enjoyable and boosts our confidence, shadow work can help us grow and develop into a better version of ourselves.

Jung writes in the book Psychology and Alchemy, “There is no light without shadow and no psychic wholeness without imperfection.”

With shadow work, we become whole to live a more authentic and fulfilling life.

Recommended reading:

7 steps to heal your inner child.

Recommended Therepy : inner child Hypnotherapy, Family Constillations, Sound Healing, Earth magnetism Nature, Fasting, Mirroring, EFT, Resurecction Therepy, Heart Coherence Frequency, Deep tissue manipulation, infrared saunas, fasting, 1stSun. Kundalini Meditation , Mantras, ecstatic dance, Qi gong, vibrational machines, resurrection therepy.

Written by:DeannaCook and is free under the Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 License
(http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/) you may freely copy, distribute, blog, or post it anywhere, so long as the work is attributed to "deannalcook", and the text is unaltered.

[pi-cat000]

MSA: Take Two (part 12)

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11

Part 13: here?

..

Lewis clears his throat and Arthur glances away, searching the room for inspiration. Nothing comes to mind and they both shuffle about in awkward silence.

“Well,” Vivi starts, drawing out the word to break the stiff atmosphere, “This is nice. We’re all getting along and no one is mad at anyone.”

Lewis coughs, appearing somewhat guilty, “Yeah…ah… sorry about freaking you out back in the van. It must have been strange…to see me.” They’d definitely figured out that his alternate-version-Lewis had died in that cave. That was fine. As long as they never found out how Arthur had died then it was all fine. The only one to ever know would be Mystery and, going off experience, he knows Mystery can keep a secret.

“Not your fault,” Arthur is quick to reassure, “It was just… a shock.”

A spark of electricity emphasises the statement and Lewis blinks, surprised at the joke. It does help to lighten the mood somewhat.

Vivi lets out a snort, “Nice.”

“What can I say, there’s a whole field of electricity-related jokes.”

“Stop that,” She teases. Lewis's mouth twitches into a smile. Vivi seems to take that as a queue to elbow Lewis forward a few more steps so they are no longer standing in the doorway. As they inch their way into the room Arthur realises he has inadvertently drifted back into the far corner again.

“…I’m surprised my counterpart didn’t beat me to it,” he comments both to distract himself from his nerves and because he’s curious.  Vivi has already mentioned the other Arthur and, seeing as Lewis is very alive and acting normal, he wants to know how the younger Arthur is handling everything. Surely, if his younger self is alive and well, then he would have tested out a range of jokes by now, being stuck in the hospital and bored out of his brain.

The troubled expression on Lewis’s face and Vivi’s sigh has him thinking it might not be all sunshine and roses. What if the other him was sick and dying of an infection… or something worse! What if the reason this Lewis cared so much was because the other Arthur wasn’t long for this world and he needed a convenient Arthur replacement!

“He’s okay right?” He asks anxiously, trying not let the sudden paranoia overwhelm him. The other Arthur can’t die! If he did, then everything was for nothing.

“Oh, he’s doing fine, physically at least. He’s being discharged from hospital in a few days.”

He slumps with relief. “That’s good to hear.”

In his timeline he had spent almost a month in the hospital, fluctuating between catatonic and various states of panic. Then there had been another month of visiting every few days for therapy. He could see how, with the support of both Vivi and Lewis, this Arthur would be better equipped to bounce back from the horror that had been the cave. And yet…

“He’s been quieter…” Lewis mutters, scanning him, making Arthur twitch, “You know what’s bothering him?”

Damn. He had forgotten how perceptive Lewis was. He scans the other man, searching for the rage he knows isn’t there. All he sees is concern. Arthur frowns, turning his thoughts inward, trying to ignore Lewis’s presence. If his hazy memories from before the cave were accurate then this current Arthur was going through his weird ‘Vivi and Lewis don’t actually like me’ phase. All overdramatic nonsense in hindsight because it was pretty obvious, going off the affection in Lewis and Vivi’s voices, that they cared for their Arthur immensely. But, his younger, idiot self wouldn’t be picking up on that. He would probably notice if Lewis and Vivi starting keeping secrets.

“You told him what happened right?”

“…” The uncomfortable expressions worn by both Lewis and Vivi sits like a led stone in his non-existent stomach,

“…About what happened with the possession, mind control stuff? You told him about it right?” He continues, agitated.

“Ah. No. Not yet. He didn’t remember any of it when he woke up.”

“We thought it was better to let him recover a bit more,” Vivi finishes, before continuing cautiously, “Does he remember?”

“No. I mean, I didn’t…not at first. But trust me when I say that whatever conclusion he comes to won’t be good. He’s probably thinking it’s his fault or something. Don’t wait. Tell him. Tell him as soon as possible. It will help. ”

“We will,” Vivi placates, worried, “We wouldn’t lie about something like this.”

“Good,” Arthur nods, happy he can save them- and his younger counterpart- this small amount of heartbreak.

Lewis, who has lapsed into contemplative silence gives an upset exhale. “It’s not your fault.”

Arthur freezes.

“Lewis…” Vivi tries to intersect but Lewis continues.

“You said Arthur would blame himself…Well, it’s not your fault either. Whatever happened before, in that other time, I’m sure I didn’t blame you.”

Crack. The electricity around him buzzes, sizzling, agitated. It feels like his whole head is filling with cotton, muffling his thoughts. Slowly, he processes the words, staring at Lewis. At his concerned expression. At his sympathy.

The regret, which had been sitting at the back of his mind in a haze of static, ramps up, drowning out Lewis’s confused follow-up question

“Arthur?” Vivi also questions, noticing him freeze.

“Stay back,” he snaps, more for his benefit than worry for her safety. That intense emotional pressure is back and growing steadily stronger. Lightning flashes and his whole form flickers. The desk lamp sparks then explodes like the ceiling light. The air crackles angrily.

There is a flash of red and the sound of books and furniture being knocked over as Mystery’s kitsune form fills up the room, forcing Vivi and Lewis away. Next comes the unpleasant sensation of having his heart-thing yanked and sudden loss of his solid human-like form.

“Mystery! What are you doing?”

/Apologies. I will return shortly./

“Where are you go….”

Arthur becomes vaguely aware of space moving around him. Vivi’s frustrated voice is lost in the quick movement as Arthur is whisked away through the window. Houses, pavement and streets flash by. A second later, they stop. Mystery plonks him down and Arthur reforms so he is floating outside amidst low growing shrub and patches of cactus. The horizon is empty and flat plain in all directions.

It happens almost too fast to process and Arthur spends a second staring at it in confusion before the pressure becomes too much and he explodes. The sudden release of compressed energy ripples around him in a shockwave. Now he is no longer in Vivi’s room he doesn’t have to worry about breaking things. Crack. Long lines of jagged yellow lightning tear the earth up in long groves.

Why?

Whywhywhywhywhy.

Why did it end up like this!

Under him, the ground glows, superheated where the lightning strikes it. Several potions of dirt and sand solidify into a glass-like substance.

Why couldn’t this be his! WHY! Why is he still here!?

Bright white and yellow electricity arcs up into the sky like a lightning bolt in reverse, exploding into a shower of sparks. Arthur doesn’t even bother trying to real the power in, letting it run wild until he’s floating in the middle of a blackened circle. Serrated, upturned earth and shards of that glass-like substance surround him, leaving Arthur feeling hollowed out and increasingly tired.  Eventually, he runs out of juice and the electricity splutters out. A familiar heavy sensation descends upon him and he finds himself lying on his back staring up at a pale, slowly darkening sky. 

“I’m a hazard,” he mumbles. All that work Vivi did in proving that he was safe to be around and he went and did that. Honestly, he shouldn't be surprised that he messed up. 

/If it is any consolation, I believe it went quite well. Better than expected./ And Arthur thought his expectations were low.

“Lewis and Vivi probably hate me now.”

/I very much doubt that./ Mystery’s elongated fox snout appears above him to block out the sky, head cocked to the side. Arthur twitches in unease, leaning away.  

Mystery shakes his head, taking is Arthurs discomfort with a concerned frown and backing up. /How do you feel?/

“Terrible. All I had to do was keep it together for one measly conversation.” He wants to go to sleep and never wake up. The air shimmers as Mystery transforms back into his dog form.

/The fact that you seem instinctually disinclined to injure Vivi and Lewis is significant. I have never personally witnessed a ghost with that level of control./

“Nice to know I’m clearing the lowest of bars,” he mutters, struggling against the unnatural weight to sit up.  Mystery watches, maintaining a respectful distance. Arthur examines his soundings to avoid eye contact, moodily poking a piece of solidified ground. Maybe it’s the sudden exhaustion, but all that pain and grief seems barely noticeable. Now he’s not around Lewis all that turbulent emotion has settled back into a familiar buzz of regret.

“So…what now?” What were they going to do now? Go back to Vivi’s house? Apologise for almost destroying her room? She was probably worried. He glances up at Mystery, uncertain. 

A long exhale follows, /It has come to my attention that I may have been overly presumptuous in our first meeting and caused some unneeded stress. I have since been informed on the importance of ‘bedside manners’ and ‘taking things slow’ in aiding a human’s mental recovery./

Was it him or did Mystery look a whole lot more unsure than was normal?

“Yeah, well, better safe than sorry,” he responds, unsure where the sudden admission has sprung from. It kind of sounds like an apology, maybe? Not that he thinks Mystery has much to be sorry about. Sure, Arthur’s not thrilled with some of Mystery’s poking and prodding but it is to protect Vivi and that’s a pretty good justification.

/True...However, I believe I could have been less…/ The dog pauses as if searching for a word, /pushy…/

Arthur would be frowning, you know, if he had a face. “Don’t worry about it?”

Mystery gives a curt nod like they’ve just settled some sort of disagreement. Arthur goes back to examining the destruction around him.

“I don’t want to explode again. Is this going to happen every time to feel any sort of strong emotion?” Gosh, that would suck.  Unsteadily, Arthur struggles back into a standing position.

/All part of the learning curb I am afraid. There is a lot of hard work ahead before you attain any sort of stability./

Arthur sighs, “Yeah I figured. But I‘ll get better right?” 

Mystery hums, scanning him up and down, /I believe so. Of course, it is always hard to be certain, but your chances are.../ A pause /optimistic./

Arthur lets himself feel a small amount of relief.

/For now we shall return. Both Lewis and Vivi will most likely be worried and have a few choice words to say about me running off in such a hurry./

“Do you think I can go back into the heart thing…I’m beat and that grabbing thing you did was…really uncomfortable.” He reaches up to cover his heart again, eyeing Mystery for any sudden movements.  A few hours or ‘recharging’ sounds pretty good. This isn’t running away! He’ll apologise to Vivi and Lewis later when he has more energy. Now he knows that Vivi - and maybe Lewis- does care about his wellbeing, dissipating back into the void doesn’t feel like he’s completely giving up. The change is subtle but no less important.

Mystery apparently thinks so too, because he easily offers the information without any further warnings, /Simply envision yourself sleeping or resting. The process should be instinctual./

“Right…” That sounded simple enough. Arthur thinks of his van back home in his own timeline. He thinks of curing up in the back with Vivi, sleeping bags next to each other, isolated on a stretch of unnamed highway in the middle of nowhere. A safe place, away from everything. He must be more tired than he thought because the world around him disintegrates into comforting darkness.

.

NOTE: I’m not dead, just super busy. 

[pretend-writer]

Moments (Supernatural x Teen Wolf)

Crossover; Requested

Summary: After living a hunter life all these years with her parents, Y/N decided to settle down and take on the normal life. Things change when she gets one phone call from an old friend. 

Pairing: Stiles Stilinski x reader, Dean Winchester x reader

Title Reference: Moments x One Direction

Word Count: 1436 words

Warning: swearing, angst

Note: there will be a part 2 :)

✤  ·  ✤  ·  ✤  ·  ✤  ·  ✤

The three years that I’ve spent with Stiles was the best years of my life. Growing up in a family full of hunters, I never had the childhood I wanted. Stiles was the one person that showed me that life can be defined how you wanted it to be.

The first encounter with Stiles was in college, when we happened to have the same classes together. Even though I was good with academics, I always had a hard time fitting in since all I ever did as a child was move from place to place.

Stiles however was the important person in my life that changed all of that. After losing both my parents in a hunting accident couple of years back, I wasn’t the same anymore. He was the one that brought back my humanity again and made me believe that I can start over and have a new life in California with him.

Everything changed a week ago when I got a call from an old friend, Sam Winchester. He contacted me saying that his father was missing, who happened to be a hunter who took good care of me when I was a little girl.

John Winchester always treated me as if I was his own daughter. Even if I haven’t seen him since I was a preteen, I needed to find and help him from whatever trouble he got into. Hearing what I heard from Sam, it sounded like he was in serious trouble.

‘You’re leaving in the middle of the semester?’ Stiles asked as we sat on my bed, worried about me. 'We can ask Scott to help us, that would work.’

'I can’t ask your friend for help and besides I have to go on my own. He was like a father to me and I need to find out what’s going on.’

He looked down and started tracing his fingers through the blanket, 'When are you coming back?’

Biting my lips, I tried so hard not to cry. This was the question I dreaded being asked for a whole week. The truth of the matter was: I didn’t know when I was coming back. John can be anywhere in the country with any supernatural being. This definitely wasn’t going to be a weekend trip.

'Actually, I thought about for a week and I-’

'Wait. You knew for a week and didn’t tell me?’ Stiles raised his voice, 'I thought we were a team.’

'This was a big decision I had to make for myself. If I would’ve told you, I would’ve listened to you even if it wasn’t the right thing to choose.’

'So what’s the right decision you made then?’

We stared at each other nervously, it was hard to take the words out of my mouth. Taking a deep breath, I finally spoke. 'I’m leaving for good to go find John.’

Stiles nodded, 'I kind of figured, honestly. You always do what’s best for others and never take care of yourself.’

'John took care of me when I was little and all I’m doing is returning the favor.’ He seemed as though he needed to say more but he was holding back. 'What’s on your mind?’

He was silent, figuring out if he really should say something or not. After a while he broke the silence, 'Why aren’t you asking me to come with you?’

'Are you insane? You can get yourself killed Stiles. I’ll never put you in that position, ever.’ Even though Stiles had experience with his friend with the supernatural life, I would never bring him to hunt with me.

'Babe, I can’t let you go all on your own. What am I supposed to do, wait until you get back?’ His voice cracked, trying to convince me to take him with me.

'I can’t let you wait for me.’ I mumbled. It wasn’t fair for me to leave for who knows how long? It can be months or even years until I can come back.

Stiles’ expression changed, 'So what are you saying? You’re breaking up with me?’

This was a tough decision I made but it was the best for the both of us. I wasn’t going to let Stiles wait for me until we meet again, if we ever meet again. 'I’m sorry, Stiles.’

'Seems like you already had your mind made up before we even had this talk.’ He shook his head, slightly pissed. 'Well, it was more you talking. I can’t even share my opinion on this.’

'I get why you’re mad but I thought you’d at least understand.’

'What am I supposed to understand?’ Stiles raised his voice as he stood up from the bed. 'You made your decision without me and I don’t agree with it at all.’

Grabbing on to his hand, I tried to comfort him. 'I need to find him and you can’t go with me because I’m protecting you.’

'You don’t have to protect me, I’m supposed to protect you!’ Stiles swiped his hand away from my grip. 'You won’t even give me a chance to fight for our relationship, Y/N. Instead you’re all set up on leaving me for a mission where you can possibly die.’

'John needs my help and I need to go. What part of that do you not understand?’ I couldn’t stress enough of how important this was for me. 'I love you but this is something I have to do.’

'If you love me, you would try to make this work. Don’t make this bullshit excuse about me waiting years for you to come back when you didn’t ask at all.’ Stiles cried, 'I would wait for you because our relationship is worth it. I would risk everything for you and go on the hunt because that’s how much I love you.’

Throughout my whole thought process this past week, I never thought that this situation would’ve happened. I simply thought it would be easy letting Stiles go but he was making it harder than I wanted it to be.

'It’s not bullshit! How can you say that?’ I sniffled, wiping my tears away from my eyes. 'If I die, no one would know and you’ll be waiting for years. If we go on a hunt together and you end up getting hurt, I’ll feel guilty as fuck for putting you in that position. I don’t want to cause you any pain so we need to break up. I have to let you go for our own good.’

'Well guess what? You already caused pain so congratulations, Y/N! Your plan to not hurt me work so well.’ Stiles yelled and stormed towards the door.

'Stiles, wait-’

'Why? This conversation isn’t going anywhere and we’re clearly not agreeing with each other. What more can we say?’

I approached him, 'I don’t want us to end in bad terms. Please, can we at least have a proper goodbye?’

Stiles clenched his fist as his red, watery eyes stared at me. He breathed then nodded, 'You’re right.’

'I’m sorry it turned out this way. I tried to think of possible ways for both of us to be happy but I couldn’t. I’m so sorry.’ All the tears bursted out as I cried loudly.

'Don’t be, I believe you tried and there’s nothing we can do about it. I’m sorry there isn’t anything I can do to help you.’ Stiles held my hand and smiled lightly.

'It’s so selfish of me to do this, I know. But If I don’t, I know that I would wonder for the rest of my life about whether or not I could’ve helped John.’

'That’s why I love you. You would risk everything and throw your life away to help other people.’ He hugged me tightly, 'Even if I hate how we ended up, I’m proud of you for doing this.’

Embracing him and feeling his warmth, I reminisced all of the good times we had together. I muttered by his ear, 'Thank you for everything you’ve done for me.’

'If you do ever come back to California, visit me okay? I would love to see you.’ Stiles pulled away and smiled, trying to make the goodbye less emotional.

'Of course I will. Hope to see you soon.’ As I flashed a tearless smile, he kissed me on the forehead.

Stiles walked towards the door and waved at me before he left my room. As his footsteps slowly faded away, I fell down on the floor and cried historically.

At that moment, I knew that this was last time I would ever see him again.